#i really want to buy an actually good laptop so i can make an amnesia as vines compilation

[warrenwaskilledbyadeer]

I literally can't draw to save my life, and more than that I hate drawing with a passion, yet I've always had very clear images for pieces of fanart in my head and always thought it was too bad I couldn't make them. But with Amnesia? Oh gosh with Amnesia. This fandom has made me create fanart in my head like no other, and for the first time in my entire life I wish I could draw, I wish I could draw so badly because I want to add to this incredible little world, I want to create and contribute!! I doubt a 22-year-old who can barely even draw a stick figure would be able to do it though; at the very least I wouldn't be able to for like bare minimum 3 years and it just makes me sad

[honestlyhappyharry]

Chapter 11

Changes

Chapter 10

Sunday mornings were something you were accustomed to spending alone for many years. But now Harry lay next to you and it was the best feeling in the world.

The sun streamed through the shutters and dusted over his face. The early morning rays highlighting those sharp cheekbones people obsessed over. You noticed how his jawline slightly bulged as he clenched his teeth in his sleep. The warmth of the house left him in only boxers, showing off his tan, toned, inked chest which had stayed so similar all this time.

His skin looked flawless and you mindlessly found yourself tracing the inked shapes while he was asleep. His long, black eyelashes rested heavily under his eyes while his perfect curls sat on his forehead, looking blonder in the morning light.

As you continued to admire Harry he stirred and wriggled around so you ducked your head so he wouldn't wake up to your eyes staring at him.

"Knew you were looking at me, ya know?" His rough morning voice came from next to you and made you blush. Even through closed eyes, you could see the smirk on his perfectly pink lips. It was something he did whether you were nervous or embarrassed.

"Was not." You mumbled, voice also rough from the hours you hadn't talked for.

"You were totally checking me out." Harry teased in a sing-song tone, making your cheeks redder.

To cover yourself from the embarrassment you put your hands over your cheeks and eyes.

"S'not my fault you look so gorgeous in the morning sun." You mumbled. knowing if you said it louder his ego would inflate bigger than you were willing to let it be.

Harry placed his hand to your hands and peeled them away from your eyes. "You're not allowed to compliment me until I tell you how beautiful you look." He told you as he held your face.

His face was so close that you were sure if he had a single flaw you'd be able to see it. Still, there was no evidence of that.

"You're still beautiful." You replied before painfully slowly closing the gap and letting your lips fall onto his, slowly.

"Can we have a serious talk about something?" Harry asked after you had spent a few minutes kissing and cuddling.

Your initial reaction was to gulp and pray that he wouldn't be giving you bad news. As you nodded you felt your heart speed up and your breathing fall out of sync. There were a few silent breaths taken to calm yourself down before Harry started talking.

"I know we haven't already gone the right way but I really like where we are now and I just want to be a part of your and Lily's lives every day. You just both mean so much to me. So there are two things I want to say." You felt your nerves rising once he said that. "I don't even know what order to do this in or how to say this." He sighed and you giggled at his adorable nature. He raised a finger to his lips to think. It was honestly so cute when he did that.

"Say it, Haz, it's just me." You weren't sure how much more you could take.

"Iloveyouandwillyoumoveinwithme." He blurted out and your eyes widened but you can feel your lips pulling up into a smile.

"Harry." You say as you place your hands on his cheeks. "I love you so so much and I would love to move in with you." He just smashed his lips onto yours and pulled away while you're both in a grin.

"I'm not sure where we'll move, I only have a bachelor pad but I'll find us the best home money can buy." He promised.

One of his words stopped you. "Hey, you're not a bachelor!" You squealed and rolled his eyes, still grinning. "But I don't need to have the most expensive house, I just want somewhere we can wake up in the morning and cook chocolate chip pancakes together. Somewhere I can get annoyed at you for taking too long in the bathroom and somewhere I'm excited to come home to." You gushed, excited by how exciting the idea of moving in with Harry was.

He just laughed before his jaw dropped. "Wait, we can't move in together. I haven't even met your parents." Harry suddenly said and you had to stifle a giggle.

"Do you have amnesia? Because you have met them before." You joked remembering when you had this conversation with Harry before Lily met his parents. Once again, Harry rolled his eyes.

"Haha, you'd be very sad if I actually had amnesia." He sarcastically laughed and you nodded, in agreement. "What I meant was I haven't seen them in so long and when we saw your mum last she was asking if we'd come to visit them."

You nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure Lily would love to see them again." The last time she had seen them was a while ago. Although your mum said you should all catch up but Harry wasn't there. "Oh, I'll text her." You told Harry and reached for your phone before pulling up your mum's contact number and typing a quick message.

"Let's look for houses!" Harry yelled excitedly before quickly getting out of bed, putting on a pair of pants and going to get his charging laptop downstairs.

Now that your personal heater was gone, you got up and pulled a hoodie over your frame before you followed Harry downstairs.

He had apparently already found a perfect house. "Look at this one!" He said as he pulled up a picture of a massive white house with 9 bedrooms and 14 bathrooms.

It was insanely big and definitely a bit over the top. "Harry, that house is worth 28 million dollars." You said wearily.

"So? I want a nice house and I've got enough money. I just want where we live to be nice." He told you, sincerely and you nodded.

"Alright, but seriously price limit of 15 million." You told him and he nodded slowly, although you were pretty sure he wasn't agreeing. His efforts to find the best house were appreciated but it didn't matter. Any house you got to live in together would be perfect.

Harry continued his search while you sat beside him and checked your emails. Ding. Your text message notification sounded and Harry glanced over at you, unsure of who you could be texting at 8 in the morning.

"It's my mum." You told him and he nodded, swivelling on the kitchen island stool to face you. You briefly read the message before relaying it to Harry. "They're in Hawaii until next weekend." You sighed.

Harry looked a little defeated until his head perked up. "Best idea ever!" He announced, it made you giggle. "We could decide on a house, take a private jet to Hawaii and see them then come back and by the time we're back here they can have everything moved from here to our new house." His suggestion made you laugh. "I'm serious." Your heart dropped at how rushed out it sounded. Clearly, he wasn't used to the lifestyle you were.

Of course, you wanted to move in with Harry but it would be much more convenient if it didn't happen until Lily was on summer break.

"Harry..." How would you phrase this? "If it were just us then I would jump at the idea but we've got Lily and I can't rip her away from school and her life here." You tried to explain. Lily hadn't even been told of this yet.

"I'll drive her over to pre-K every morning." He promised. "And any time she wants to have play dates, I'll bring her." Another promise.

"That's sweet of you, H. But it's so rushed finding a house and getting moved so quickly. Can't we wait until the holidays?" You stuck to your point, maybe because you were stubborn but maybe because you thought it was stronger.

"The holidays are in 4 weeks, that's a whole month. I can have us a house by tomorrow so why wait?" He whined. "What if Lily takes the remaining 4 weeks off pre-K and then we spend some time in Hawaii, or anywhere you like." He bargained.

"I don't know, Haz." You honestly told him. "What about we look for a house and try to get moved in as soon as possible. We'll wait till my parents go home through LA and they can stay in the new place and have dinner." You told him in a tone that he knew meant it was the final plan.

It caused him to pout. "But, baby, I wanted to go on a family holiday." He continued to whine.

"Okay, let's go to Europe in the break then." You suggested and a grin quickly appeared on his face.

"Can I show Lily my hometown?" He cheered and you nodded. "I can't wait to show her where I used to live, the school I used to go to, the park that I used to play in and that one tree I used to snog all the girls under." He said as if it was his glory days.

You scrunched your nose at him. "Maybe skip the tree bit." You suggested and he nodded. "Plus, I don't want to think about you kissing other girls." You knew he had, obviously, you just didn't want to think about it.

"There was really only one girl." His smile widened and you felt bitter jealousy fill you from head to toe.

"Yuck." You rolled your eyes and you knew he could tell it was getting under your skin. "I bet she was like 20 years older than you with kids." You made your own snide comment at him, knowing his type.

"She does have a kid but I'm a little older than her." You felt sick as you talked about it but Harry looked like he was having a lot of fun.

"You kissed someone with a kid?" You asked, you wanted to guess who it was and considering you knew a lot of Harry's friends you thought you had a good chance.

"Well she didn't have one back then, she does now though." He explained and you nodded, your mind still racing as to who it could be.

"Was she with the father when you kissed her?" You asked, this had almost turned into an interrogation.

All he did was grin and the air in the room changed. "Yes."

"So she was cheating on him?"

"Nope."

A bad feeling set into your stomach, twisting it uncomfortably. "So you fathered a child?" All you could feel was shock and you couldn't even breathe.

"Do you have amnesia? Because we have a kid." He started laughing once he could see your panic and mimicked your words from earlier that morning.

Finally, you were able to get a breath back in. "Fuck, Harry. Don't freak me out like that." You managed to get out in between the breaths as it all clicked together. Harry was still cracking himself up and there was no way you could be mad at him after hearing that sound.

"You're too easy to freak out, baby." He told you before going back to his house search.

Harry didn't do anything lightly, by the time Lily was downstairs he had already been on the phone with his real estate agent and had booked some houses to see today while you made breakfast for everyone.

"Morning, Lils." You smiled as you picked her up and hugged her. Once you put her back down she went over to her breakfast stool, next to Harry.

"Hey, where's my hug?" He whined as she smiled at him before sleepily falling back into his arms.

"There." She told him once she sat up again, ready to eat.

"Lily, we have something we wanted to talk to you about." You told her and she nodded, still eating. Harry was paying more attention to her now, desperate for her reaction. "How would you feel about moving into a different house with Harry?"

Her face turned sour and she glared up at you. "No, no, no! I want to live here!" She screamed at you which confused you.

"Lily, don't yell." You warned but she was far past caring about the rules.

"I am not moving house! I like this house and I want to live here forever!" She yelled, loudly as she got out of her chair. "I do not want to move!" That was the last thing she yelled before she got off the stool and stomped away,

Only a minute later you heard a loud door slam. Wow, her teenage years were going to be fun if this is what she was like at 5

"She got your drama queen temper." You joked to Harry, but he was wearing a serious face.

"Y/n, she doesn't want to move. What are we going to do? You can't move her if she doesn't want to." He told you and you shrugged.

"She'll be fine. She's just adjusting, it happened when I asked if she wanted a big girl bed. She had a big tantrum and then begged me to get her one the next hour." You explained and he nodded but still looked concerned.

It had been a good 20 minutes of the two of you eating breakfast and looking at houses until Harry asked about Lily. "Can I go talk to her? And you come?" He asked one question quickly followed by the next. It was cute he wanted you to be there.

"If you want." You shrugged as you got up to go up the stairs. Harry followed but overtook you to get to Lily's room first.

Knock, knock. He gently tapped on the door. "Lily, can we have an adult talk?" He asked. You could tell he was anxious by his clammy hands that were shaking.

"Yes." She sighed and he breathed out before he opened the door.

Once you walked into her room she sat there, on the bed with her arms crossed. Harry sat down at the end of her bed while you hovered in the doorframe.

Harry stalled as he tried to start the conversation, twisting the rings on his fingers. "What's wrong with moving?" He asked her.

"I like this house and I liked my room and I like my school and I like my friends and I like the beach." She listed, briefly looking up at him.

"Okay, what do you like about this house?" He asked and she took a little longer to think of an answer.

She was kicking her legs back and forward. "It's got a pool, a tv, my room and it's where I have always lived." You did understand that it was hard to ask her to move from the only house she knew.

"What if I promised you a pool, tv and new bedroom in a new house?" He asked and she waited while she thought about it. "I know that you only remember this house but I really want us to all live together in a nice, big house. I promise we can make lots of new memories." He promised again but Lily still hadn't answered. "I'll even invite your grandma around." He told her and she immediately looked up.

"And grandpa?" Lily asked hopefully.

"And grandpa." He confirmed. "Maybe we can see some of these houses and then if you hate them so much that you never want to live in them, I'll find a better house for us."

"Yes, please, I want to see them." She agreed and you could feel Harry's smile radiating around the room.

"Thank you." He pulled her in for a hug and you walked over to join them.

"Wanna hear something else cool, Lils?" You asked and she nodded, looking up to break the hug. "We're going to visit your Nana and Pop in the place Harry grew up." You told her and she started grinning widely.

"Oh my gosh! Can I see Auntie Gemma!? Will we go on a plane!?" Her questions came at a million miles an hour as she jumped around on her bed. "Wait." She stopped and sat down. "Where did you grow up?" She asked him.

He stood and walked over to the world map on her wall. "This place right here called Holmes Chapel in England." He told her as he looked at the map and her face turned into a frown as she got up to see the map herself.

"Is England is this one?" She asked as she pointed to Russia.

"Look to your left and it's the islands in the sea." You told her and she ran her finger along until she ended up at England.

Lily looked very curious. "It's tiny. How will we get there?" She was very concerned.

"By plane." You told her before Harry jumped in.

"Private plane."

"We didn't discuss that." You warned but he just shrugged and you glared at him.

"What's a private plane?" She asked and you snapped out of your glaring.

"It's when it's only you and the drivers and the seats are massive and you can play around as much as you want," Harry told her and she grinned. She'd only been on a few planes and it was never in first class.

"Yes, please, can we do that, Mumma?" She asked eagerly. She started to give you the puppy eyes as Harry caught on and copied her actions.

It freaked you out how alike they looked. "Fine." It was all they needed to confirm their victory and hi-five.

The houses you were going to see that afternoon with Harry were more than beautiful. They reminded you of the types of house you and Harry used to party at together all those years ago.

"Lil, we're here." You said as you leant into the back seat to unclip her sear belt so she could get out.

Harry had already raced around to open your door, in his usual gentleman fashion. Every time you looked at him it was like you felt love bursting out of you. His basketball shorts and tank top looked anything but basic on him.

After you got out of the car he opened Lily's door for her and she hopped out, quickly gawking at the massive house in front of her.

"You like it?" Harry asked her.

Her face was quick to change from shock to absolute euphoria. "Is this the house we're moving to?!" She squealed as she ran in circles around his legs. It made both of your giggle and Harry reached his hand out to give you a hi-five.

"Maybe, depends it's right." You told her and she nodded before leading the way inside. You followed with Harry a step ahead, going to the real estate agent to shake hands.

They talked about the houses advanced features while you took Lily to look at the front garden. The real estate agent took a phone call, leaving you three to go explore the house.

Harry led you upstairs to look at the bedroom. "Lily, this could be yours." He said as he opened the door to a massive room that she would struggle to fill if you brought her everything she'd ever wanted.

"Wow!" She cheers as she walked over to the window and looked at the LA skyline. It was a nice view but you knew the master bedroom would have an even nicer one.

"I can see that pretty brain working overtime, what are you thinking?" Harry said into your ear as he snaked his arms around your waist and rest his head on your shoulder. The two of you stood there, by the doorframe, watching your daughter.

You twisted your head so you could smile up at him. "It's really nice." There was a slight pause. "Lily loves it but I think she's going to love any house so that's not really a concern. I'm excited to see what other houses we're going to see. What about you?" You told him honestly.

"I love the kitchen and lounge but I think we need more bedrooms. And the pool isn't that big." He remarked and you looked at him with raise eyebrows.

"6 bedrooms isn't enough?" You questioned and he shook his head. "Lily, you and I only need 2, plus one for visitors. So that's 3, maybe 4." You explained.

He shook his head again. "What about when we have more kids?" He asked and your mouth fell open.

The two of you had never spoken about this before, but you hadn't even spoken about having Lily. At least 5 years ago he had said he wanted a few. As soon as Harry realised what he said he shut his mouth and you could see him thinking about what to say next.

To make it better or to take it away.

Finally, you had to pluck up the courage. "You want more?" Harry was now blushing furiously as he tried to think of something to say.

"Honestly, yes. I want to be there to raise them with you." He admitted. He had spun you around now so he could look into your eyes and have an honest conversation. "But it's not a deal-breaker." He quickly clarified.

It was the best answer you could have heard. "Harry, that's exactly what I want." You watched the huge smile appear on his face and he struggled to not wrap you in his arms.

"So, what are your thoughts?" The real estate agent asked as he walked up the stairs. Lily rushed out of the hidden room she had found with a huge smile on her face.

"I love it." She told him, which made him chuckle.

"It's nice, can we give you a call later once we've seen some others and decided?" Harry asked and the real estate agent nodded before you all left the house.

The rest of the day consisted of looking at 4 other, just as grand, homes, getting lunch and Harry subtly driving past one of the top private schools in the whole country in an attempt to get Lily to see it. Luckily for you she didn't, only because there had been no prior discussion between you and Harry about where she would go.

"So, team. what house do we think?" Harry asked around the dinner table later in the evening, ready for an inaugural family meeting.

"Second one!" Lily quickly yelled. The second house was built with two wings of bedrooms and a kitchen/lounge area in the middle. It was Lily's favourite because in the kid's wing there was a massive rock climbing wall.

"But would you like to be that far away from us every night?" You asked, knowing what problem was going to occur later.

She shook her head reluctantly. "No." She confirmed and Harry crossed that one off his list.

One down, four to go.

"So that means no to the 4th one."

Two down, three to do.

"Okay, now we're going to decide what is most important for us." You said, taking charge and reading over the features of the remaining 3 houses. "Do we want a spa?" You asked and Harry nodded quickly. A bit too quickly. "Not going to ask why." You said as you sent Harry a wink.

That decision crossed another house off. Three down, two to go.

"Okay, so 8 bedrooms and 3 lounges or 7 bedrooms and 4 lounges?" You asked Harry and Lily who looked at you like they were watching an intense sports match.

"7 and 4." They both said at the same time. Four down, one winner.

[bottlecaprabbitgames]

Fellow switch owners... what’s the games you would, like, tell other people to buy? I want to make a list for things to try out and get when I can, as my laptop can’t really handle a lot of games! I’ll add a list of my recs of things I prefer on Switch and I’ll add on for what you guys tell me!

Sally Face (it plays WAY better on Switch in my honest opinion! It’s also my second favorite indie game, right behind Stardew Valley. The only reason it’s not #1 is because I’ve supported SDV since before its launch and still actively do! But Sally Face is a VERY close second and it’s all done by ONE guy!!! Mr. Steve Gabry!!!!)

Stardew Valley. I honestly will continue to buy Stardew Valley on EVERY platform I can (I own it on PC, mobile, AND Switch) because it’s a phenomenal game and I want to support Mr. ConcernedApe as much as possible. It plays really nicely on Switch in my opinion, I really suggest trying it out on Switch if you enjoy the game on PC or mobile, if nothing else but to have it as a backup and support the creator, he’s a super nice dude who deserves it!!

LEGO Harry Potter. Yes, yes ok I play it. If you’ve played it on DS or PC... you’ll find the Switch edition is incredibly different! A WHOLE buttload of stuff was changed, Faye and I barely recognize it but it’s actually a lot more fun!

Eyes, the horror game. I’ve played this one a long time, since it was available on mobile YEARS ago, and it’s gotten better over the years! It’s only like $3-4 and it’s pretty fun! I stopped after 3 tries tho because I kept getting jumpscared, LMAO

TWD series. I find it kind of easier to play the games on Switch versus mobile? But to be fair, you can pirate this one for free on PC, I’m just putting it up there for people without a PC/a PC that can run it.

Earthworms. It’s an interesting narrative story, though the puzzles are INCREDIBLY difficult, and there’s not a good guide out there that’s not video based; this is not a game for someone who is easily frustrated with puzzles like me, as I full on rage quit multiple times.

I also have Darkwood, Amnesia Collection, Cuphead, and Ghost Files: Memory of a Crime, all of which I enjoy so! The only game I DON’T recommend is Bad Dream: Fever, as it has a game-breaking bug that’s never been fixed in the switch edition!

Yalls Suggestions:

Oxenfree - horror game based around a group of friends, has a very stylized art style.

Animal Crossing - I share this recommendation given I also want this one bc I love the old games, but it IS expensive!

Someone also recommended some VNs! Piofiore, Collar x Malice, n a couple others.

Choices That Matter - someone recommended both of these games and I believe theyre a type of IF!

Werewolf Heart Of the Forest - Don't know much about this one, but I think it's either an IF or visual novel!

Little Nightmares - I also recommend this alongside a commenter! It's a super cool game, one of my fav platformers, I just don't know if it runs well on switch as I don't own it yet.

Neverending Nightmares

Omensight

AER: Memories of Old

Spiritfarer

Another Sight

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #496

“just like a tidal wave, you make me brave”

Do you have mean comments that replay in your head and haunt you? Yes, a few. Did you go Black Friday shopping this past Black Friday? Hell no. I'm not drowning in impatient, greedy, violent crowds just for "deals" on products that are just lower quality. Especially during a PANDEMIC. ^If so, what was the best deal you got? N/A Have you ever seen a spirit? I think I have. Are you happy that the year is coming to an end? I don't care. There's no magic switch that will make January 1st, 2022, anything special and different. Time is just a construct, man. Have you ever bought a designer purse? Nooooo. What color was your senior prom dress? It was a beautiful black dress. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I've considered it. Have you ever purchased a YouTuber's merch? If so, what did you buy? I have a Cloak shirt, which is Markiplier and jacksepticeye's brand. It's my favorite shirt I have, having a skull on it with a kinda retro design and the quote "equal in our bones" on it. I really want more. Are you better at spelling or writing? Writing. My spelling has actually worsened as I've aged. If someone signed you up for karate lessons, would you take them? Probably no, if I'm being realistic. What was the last movie you watched? Would you recommend it to people? I caught a good bit of Home Alone at Ash's house a few weeks back. Loved it since I was a kid, and now as an adult, the ending made me tear up, haha... Ah, the meanings you overlook as a child. I'd recommend it to anyone, of course. Do you update your Facebook relationship status when it changes? Yeah. Do you want your own house someday? It'd be nice, yeah. Are you superstitious? No. When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke. Have you ever thought about your wedding? Yeah. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? Neither, really, but if I had to choose, Carrie is the easy answer. She has a beautiful voice and a good number of songs that I think are at least okay. Growing up, did you see your cousins often? Definitely not. My closest cousins live(d) at least ten hours away by car. Where was your first job at? GameStop. Ever seen your parents make out? EW EW EW EW NO NO NO NO they are VERY divorced. What’s your dream height and weight? I'm fine with my height, but I'd really like to be anywhere between 120-140 lbs. What do you do when your house loses power? I might read or play Amnesia until the laptop dies. I may also grab the GameBoy or DS, all while just talking to Mom. What piercing do you hate? I'm really not a fan of cheek dimple piercings. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes. Do your parents get mad when your on the computer for hours? Dad never had much of an opinion, but growing up, Mom would. As I reached my later teenage years and young adulthood, though, she kinda just had to relent. Now it's just an accepted thing that I'm like... always on it. You've got to give her credit for trying very hard, though. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thank fuck. Even if my s/o asked that, for some reason I can't quite pin down, I think it'd piss me off. What’s your favorite thing about your crush/bf/gf? He's as loyal as humanly possible. What’s the worst thing? The only thing that immediately came to mind was that he's misused the term "retarded" before in my presence, which I REALLY do not like. This was only a one-time thing, though, so it's not like it's a true thing with him that he does regularly or something. There's not much about him that bothers me, being completely honest. What song can bring you down? "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White still just makes me hurt. It sucks because it's a beautiful song and I've actually wanted to listen to it for a long time, but I just can't. It does way more harm than good. What would you do if your parent hit you? If Dad hit me, because of how terrified I am of men, I'd probably sob and try to get far, far away, as well as cut all ties with him. If it was Mom, I'd also probably cry and be like "what the fuck?" or, depending on the situation, hit her back if I was angry enough. Ever see yourself going to jail? I very, very much doubt this would happen, but I've sometimes feared what my impulsiveness could lead to. Last song you sang? "The Unforgiven II" by Metallica. Has the last person you kissed slept with more then 3 girls? I don't know. We're not at a point where we really need to know one another's sexual histories yet. Ever been tested for any STDs? Not that I know of. Do you think it's weird when girls change in front of their bf/gf? No...???? Get a new camera or new phone? A new phone, please. I'm happy with my camera, but a new phone would be great. Last person that saw you naked (can’t be yourself): My mom. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Yeah. Is being sweaty nasty? I fucking hate it. As a side effect of multiple meds I'm on, I experience severe hyperhidrosis, so I sweat like a goddamn pig and I cannot stand it. Are your parents embarrassing? My dad is capable of being so. Do you prefer dating a virgin? Or a guy who's been around? I don't want a promiscuous partner, but I really don't care if they're a virgin or not. I barely even know if I'm one so like, I can't judge for shit. This is so unimportant to me. Are you blond? No. Do you like bacon? Yeah. Do you have an annoying dog? She annoys me. I just don't want to have a dog, I think. The only dog I've ever truly connected with was Teddy. What was the first comic book you ever had an obsession over? I've never been into comic books. What is your favorite thing to do on your phone? Play Pokemon GO. What color was your first phone? Blue. Was your first phone a flip phone? No, it slid upward. If you're a girl, have you ever had an embarrassing period story? No, thankfully. What was your worst experience in high school? Severe depression all throughout. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I have no idea, but I know it wasn't a whole lot. What dreams have stuck with you since childhood? I've always just wanted to be successful. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? A few. Did you ever take your dog to school? I did once in elementary school (yes, I had permission)! I can't quite remember why I brought him, but EVERYONE loved little Teddy. If you had had a baby in high school, what would you have named him or her? I think my favorite names at that time was Amani and Severin. If you had a baby now, what would you name him or her? Alessandra or Damien. Have you ever seen someone throw up on a plane? EW NO. Do you get motion sickness? No. Has God ever healed you of anything? If so, what? God hasn't helped me with shit. What is the most boring church you have ever attended? I grew up going to a Roman Catholic church, and it was BEYOND a drag. What is the most lively church you have ever attended? I don't remember. MAYBE one I went to with Colleen, but I don't have a strong memory of a specific church. Do you find church fun or boring? It's bored me to death since I was a kid. What do you hate the most about summer? The fucking heat and humidity. Which part of your body is the most muscular? Ha, nowhere. Did you ever take Latin in school? I did for one semester my freshman year. It was WAY too difficult, and I quickly changed to German. Which major holiday is closest to your birthday? Valentine's Day. What is your favorite Japanese name? Oh man, I like a lot of them that I hear. Have you ever ran a cash register? Yes. Did you collect Bratz dolls when you were younger? I didn't collect them, no, but I know I had at least one. Do you think your mom is attractive? She's beautiful with a smile of pure, unmatched gold. What was the last thing that disappointed you? I actually just weighed myself today after quite a while and my weight has stagnated again. I REALLY thought after quitting soda, the numbers would just keep going down and down. I lost a few pounds, likely from the shock to my body, but it's been at the same for a while now. :/ Do you like the feeling in your stomach on a big drop on a roller coaster? NONONONONONONONONO NOT ON ANY RIDE Skeletons or scarecrows? skelly boiz Do you own pumpkin earrings? No, but I wish! That'd be so cute. What computer game did you used to play all the time? I played lots as a kid, including Amazon Trail 3 (or something like that), Oregon Trail games, Odell Down Under, as well as Putt Putt and Freddy the Fish games. When was the last time you read a book? I haven't read in months. :/ Would you allow your children to date prior to 16? (assuming you want any) If I wanted any, yes. What was the last restaurant you made a reservation at? I have no idea. Which app on your phone do you tend to get the most notifications from? Instagram. What is something you gave up on after many failed attempts? College. Do you watch political shows? No. Do you play any fantasy/roleplaying games? What? Yeah; World of Warcraft is an MMORPG, and then I forum roleplay meerkats. Do you like salami? I love salami. When was the last time you ate meat? Literally for lunch. I had a chicken sandwich. What was the last hot drink you drank? I had hot chocolate two nights ago. Have your parents met your boyfriend/exes? Yes. How about your boyfriend’s parents? Met them? Neither my mom or dad have met Girt's mom, and his father passed away a long time ago, so they definitely didn't meet him. Do you know how to say I love you in at least 4 languages? Just English and German, I think. Do you find the sound of a cat's purr relaxing? Yeah! Do you know your mum’s first pet's name? No, actually. Would you ever want to be famous? If so, for what? I'd love to be a wildlife photographer that at least has ONE pretty beloved, well-known photograph. I'm not really comfortable with more "fame" than that. Would you ever get a heart tattoo or your back? No. What fruit can’t you stand? Cherries. Do you know anyone autistic? Yes. How about someone bipolar? I am, as well as my half-sister. What do you consider private to you? I don't like talking about my sex life/history with absolutely anyone. That's my business. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: MY. MOTHER. Her entire life has thrown total bullshit at her. She deserves such a stress-free, happy life. Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: Painting, apparently. Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Drawing realistically. Name somebody who has tried to help you and ended up hurting you: Jason. Name a date that has a lot of significance to you: It's stupid, January 15th is a date that just sticks in my head and is a date I always dread. It was Jason's and my anniversary. [TW: SUICIDE] Name something in your life that was a blessing in disguise: This is gonna sound MEGA weird, but my suicide attempt. It led to me getting the help I desperately needed. I found my current psychiatrist, who has kept my meds straight ever since. I also got the intense therapy that I needed to consistently hear. There are MUUUUUCH better ways to get competent help, that's just how my story ended up working out. Name something that you’ve done that would be considered rebellious: Illegally downloading shit. I don't recommend doing it, it's just so ingrained in me as "normal" by now. Name something you wish you had enough money to do: Buy my mom a car that isn't barely surviving.

[familyvisionis2020]

Day 6 - The Drive Home

Today was the last day of tour. I wake up in the morning feeling guilty because I have a groggy memory of waking up around 8 to go to the bathroom, Paul was waiting to go, but when the person came out I just fronted him (a word I just now remember from elementary school, cut in line, but southern), used the bathroom and went back to bed. Rude. I am wiping the cold from my eye, taking in the undecorated walls of the apartment, and Jeremy comes from down the hall and says ‘Did you get the memo? Louisville cancelled. Tour’s over.” I said ‘fuck’ and processed it. I feel sad for Jeremy and John and Kabir because I know they wanted to play this last show in Kentucky. It’s not that I didn’t, but also for the last three months and for especially the last month I have been feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about this tour, about feeling out-of-control, about being away from loved ones at home, about being available to show up for people in my life, about completing regular routines of hygiene and spirituality and task completion that make me feel boring and comfortable, both. Touring stirs up dredges of the tea leaves that I had let settle into a fine filmy sediment at the bottom of me. I manufactured a jello mold two years ago and poured myself into it: regular 9-5 in the legal field as a means and precursor to law school, then diligent study for 3 years, then a professional career, abandoning the party life, abandoning trespassing in abandoned buildings, abondoning the luxury of resentment and unproductive time, trying to cool and firm into something reliable, serviceable, dependable, available, a resource people could draw from for once, rather than a leech or slug. And when I go on tour I take that jello mold out of the fridge and it holds its shape but also it warms and the longer I’m out the more liquidy it gets and sloshes over the sides and so forth. So I’m ambivalent because I like what I have to offer to this band, I like the physical process of drumming and expressing myself in the context of music and being a member of a band, but also I feel like I’ve kind of chilled enough and it’s time to settle down. And I’m at a way different point in my life than the other guys in the band it seems like, for the most part. So anyways all this to contextualize the fact that the news of tour ending even earlier than early honestly makes me feel relieved, if not happy, and so then I work to temper that boosted mood for the sake of grim decorum befitting a tour taken before its time. 

All our stuff is locked in the venue from last night and we learn we won’t be able to pick it up until 1pm and so we have about 4 hours to kill in the apartment. Phillip puts on a pot of coffee that will turn out to be some of the wateriest on record, but still, a super kind gesture, and then he also puts on The Wire on HBO Go and we just settle in on the couch and watch for awhile. Some of the scenes are familiar, there’s something seductive about this show, and it brings me back to the precise moment of Summer of 2013 right before I moved to Philadelphia right after I got evicted from the squat/music venue I had been living in that winter and spring, I watched all episodes of The Wire on DVD on Matt Martin’s couch at 3 Pomroy and felt deeply depressed. It ranks up there with when I watched all released episodes of The Office in bed in the winter of 2009 after my girlfriend broke up with me, in terms of memorably devestating life phases offset by the amniotic fluid of full-series of TV. So we watch The Wire and I find myself not too inclined to sit and watch and I want to write so I sit at my laptop on the table nearby and write an email to a female (sorry) but I actually do and its purpose is to make her smile and bring some levity and play and purple prose to a moment in her life that, from how she tells it to me, is just so heavy, nightmares and waking horror and a future that feels like it hangs by a thread. so I’m glad to spend time showing up for her in this small way rather than watching The Wire, and also I write yesterday’s blog post, another activity that feels sort of like a pittance but also like: doing-writing is something I have been putting off, in phases and seasons, for my entire adult life, because to me nothing ever matters enough to write about, or if it does my perspective is deficient, or my research inadequate, or my skill incommensurate with the subject matter, or it won’t properly reflect my feelings, or any number of self-sabotaging excuses to not do this thing I so love doing, and love sharing. So for me, writing this blog is a very meaningful and special act of reclamation of a personal mode of expression that constitutes a break in my winter’s depression and what feels like a new phase of happiness, of believing-i-have-a-future, of feeling more authoratative and qualified to know and describe my own experience in a lifetime marred and dampened by dissociation, oblivion, amnesia, and fugue. So it feels like nourishment to get some paragraphs done and to move slow through my days, get them onto the page.

The Wire grows tiresome at some point and Jeremy fires up the PS4 and then the PS3 looking for games but none are multiplayer and so eventually he settles on Skyrim and starts from a new file. Me personally I love watching let’s plays and this is as good as TV. There was a moment last tour when we were in this strange small town in Connecticut called Torrington (the town all touring bands are required to go to, we also joked), in this town Jeremy was describing the sort of surrealness he experienced there and he said he felt like the townspeople in Torrington were like NPCs in a FPS RPG like Skyrim wherein you would go up to people and press A to talk, say ‘What news?” and that I thought was really funny then, I like his sense of humor. Really Kabir and Jeremy and Royal represent this sort of humor that is to me equal parts razor wit, cleverness, timing, accents, absurdity, and broad conceptual placticity, all for the most part very clean too, never or at least rarely blue (you’re gonna inevitably make a D’s nuts joke and that’s just that). And during happy times I am so grateful to be nearby this humor and during less happy times I get self conscious about how great their humor is and how I sometimes feel like I don’t measure up. But that feeling doesn’t weigh for long. Skyrim is fun to watch, it kills some time, we all take turns trying to kill wolves with swords before Jeremy finally does it, there’s a dragon, we loot corpses, discuss Bloodborne and Dark Souls and comparable games. A lot of the main media activity in this group is discussing how a given media relates to another media, Kabir and Jeremy and John know it seems like everything between the three of them when it comes to record labels, band narratives, artist’s hometowns, etc. So we play Skyrim for awhile, and then eventually it’s time to go to the venue and we drive back to The Salty Nut, load in all our gear, do a final sweep, and say our goodbyes and thankyous to Phillip. We return to the Bandido place one last time for one last round of free local Taco Bell which we absolutely scarf and are very vocally grateful to the people for giving it to us for free again, it’s clear they really put effort into being hospitable to touring bands here, at least through Phillip. His band, Thomas Function, was signed on Fat Possum Records, which also had bigger indie acts like Jay Reatard (who Phillip tells a story about him demanding $50,000 in cash for a show fee to feed his coke and heroin habit, Reatard died at age 29 from cocaine toxicity with alcohol also), The Black Keys, Andrew Bird, Wavves and Soccer Mommy, but which Kabir postulates has most of its success due to having signed octogenarian southern blues legends like R.L. Burnside and King Ernest and raking in royalties from what Kabir speculates is due to poor management of the estates of these dead leagends who each had more than a dozen children. It’s truly fascinating for me to hear how deep and complex the analysis of music these guys have is. When I feel insecure, which is often, I tend to veneer these sorts of expertises and shibboleths among music-heads as snobby, elitist, exclusionary, petty and asinine. But I think most of that comes from a fear that I lack the insight, cognitive absorbency, and passionate research skills to collate and catalog data about artists in the way these people do, the way my bandmates do. I feel inspired to take time to dig deeper into the musicans I love, to make them real to me, to get a sense of their story, their lived experience, for the sake of corroding the mediation between us somewhat, or at least polishing the media membrane. 

I volunteer to drive for the first half of what will end up being about a 10-hour drive back from Huntsville to Chapel Hill. We go to a Whole Foods in Huntsville upon Kabir’s insistence where I purchase a nootropic snakeoil energy affair in beverage form, Kabir gets hot coffee and a La Colombe Draft can of latte, Jeremy gets a kombucha made from yerba mate (“best of both worlds” he says), John black coffee as per, and Kabir also buys a slice of Tres Leches cake in a clear plastic to-go clamshell: “they can take away my tour, but they can’t take away my tres leches.” Later he’s eating it in the van and he accidentally spills some on himself and he says “shit…spilled some on myself. oh good, it was only one leche” which to me is so funny and perfect humor and just like kind of a paragon of the kind of joke I so treasure from this friend group. Another is when Jeremy and Kabir are recalling a favorite running joke from two tours ago, wherein they were in Philly, home to the famous Schuykill River (pronounced skoo-kill, at least when i lived there, at least around the non-indigenous people i knew), and while there they would affect this blaring Brooklyn accent, deployed heavily on this trip as well for basically any purpose, but back then they would say “UGH MY SKOYKL IS KILLING ME” like Schuykill was lombago or sciatica and also would say “YEAH LET ME GET A KWATA POUND OF SKOYKL ON RYE” like it was a deli meat, and they laughed and laughed. Also they liked doing rhyming jokes like last night there was a chair nearby the combo amp Tired Frontier was going to use for their set and Kabir goes ‘amp on the chair, tone everywhere’ and then I say ‘amp on the ground, makes a bad sound’ and then I tell Jeremy later how Kabir would put me in good spirits whenever I was describing to someone how my LSAT score is very competitive but my checkered past makes the acceptance process a little less than straightforward, and Kabir would see I was getting kinda down and anxious, and he would say ‘You gotta break the law before you make the law,’ and we all laugh and I love that, the function of humor as balm, salve. I want to wield my humor like that.

The drive back is fine, some sprinkles, nothing major, clear traffic for the most part, I feel like I have a good command of the van, keep it around 75 for most of the trip, feel smoth and confident switching lanes, passing, etc. We do another two NYT Wednesday classic crosswords together, Kabir is getting probably 40% of the clues, me maybe 30% Jeremy and John the other 30%, Kabir will just to YEAHHHHHHHH after getting a clue and I start doing that too after Jeremy says “X down, ‘on the table’ 15 letters,” and I say UPFORDISCUSSION after only a couple seconds and it fits and is correct and I feel like a damn genius and we’re all laughing and kind of praising each other half-jokingly for being strong beautiful geniuses who also we know songs. This is a great passtime and the drive flies by and before I know it we’re in Western NC just outside of Asheville and we make a stop to refuel the tank and get dinner. We decide on a Waffle House across the street, not wanting to venture too deep into Asheville for something healthier and better because of the time and money it would likely eat up, Kabir says that FEMA uses the closing of Waffle Houses as a bellweather to indicate the severity of a given natural disaster. We go inside, the waitress says ‘ya’ll aren’t from around here are you?’ in a way that I take to be hostile and I suggest that to the guys and they seem like maybe slightly offput but not very much and we decide not to abort and I later feel foolish because I think I am doing this thing where I become excessively vigilant or sensitive to a perceived slight to a friend who is brown for the putative purpose of interceding on their behalf against racism but what’s actually happening is if someone was racist to them they could just stand up for themselves and make their own call regarding their own comfort or lack thereof and I would do better to act less motivated by white guilt when avoidable. That passes, it’s fine, we eat hash browns and waffles and eggs and grits and toast and cover everything in tobasco and tip well and get back on the road, John takes over for the final stretch. 

I return a call from Marty and catch him up about tour being cancelled and we discuss our fears and hysteria and cancellations and reaction and so forth. Marty remarks that he is a gravedigger during the plague, which is the best possible job to have. It’s not a joke because he actually drives a backhoe working for a cemetary and digs actual graves, super weird and eminently punk/goth and kind of a curiosity but really perfect for the lead singer of one of the South’s premiere punk bands, especially after his being fired from the swish cafe he worked at in Richmond before that. I love Marty and catching up and it feels good to hear his voice. After I get off the phone it sort of becomes campfire spooky story time in the van with everyone proffering their take on the panic, market failure, the likelihood of Capitalism as a superstructure to require perpetual growth even at the peril or death of its working class, the superior response to covid that South Korea and Norway seem to have mounted, a lot of fear of financial insecurity. Eventually this digresses to talk of touring, and the guys discuss all manner of various routes throught the South, Midwest, Northeast, plains states, PNW, Mexico City, Jeremy says ‘I can get us a show in Colombia’ which he can, Argentina or Venezuela through a mutual friend, then Europe so long as the label foots the bill for the plane ticket, then Japan, setting up camp on Honshu would make it easy to hit TOkyo, Kyoto, Osaka and Nagoya no problem, except where exactly are people playing shows? there’s gotta be somewhere all these Japanese Noise and Hardcore bands are getting gigs, and then from there of course it’s not hard to get to Australia, John knows a band there, and they go all around the world and this is stressing me out a little bit, only because I wonder about how much they think I would be involved or want to go on such a theoretical tour, and the answer is I don’t 100% know. Part of me wants to say this is my last tour, lean all the way in to law school and leave behind this chapter. Part of me feels like it’s better not to make a hard and fast statement like that because what if the economy collapses and for some reason school is a no-go but being in the band becomes the most plausible source of income or something. I get anxious and psych myself out and quiet down and feel foolish and wish to be home. I fantasize about my future life of stability, but I second guess myself because I just don’t know for sure how my life will be, and want to be careful to work toward the goals I think will be the most fulfilling, self-actualizing, spiritually nourishing, healthy for me; I also want to not forsake the friendships and bonds I’ve forged in these weird intimate moments in the van with the guys. I have the wherewithal to know that nobody is requiring me to make a decision right this second, and that as time passes it’s likely that the best course of action will be revealed one way or another if I can keep from panicking. So I watch videos of the 2019 Classic Tetris World Championships on my phone, eat two candy bars, watch videos of a streamer named Wumbotize play the latest Tetris game, Tetris Effect (2018, PS4, PC), and am pleasantly awed by how crazily far the skill curve of that game has shot up. I have some time ahead of me that is completely free, which is so nice. Before I know it I’m back home in my clean apartment which is tidy like a tetris field at the beginning of a new game and I get into my bed and lay down flat and if my bed is the well than the line of me clears and the well is clean, smooth, primed, for whatever falls tomorrow. 

[flightlessangelwings]

Lost Souls, Kindred Spirits: Chapter 2

Bucky x Reader

Chapter summary: A friendly lunch date where Bucky and reader get to know each other.

“How’s your burger?” you asked Bucky.

“It’s good,” he replied.

You threw him a sympathetic smile, “I know it’s not the greatest place, but I’ve been coming here for awhile so it’s comforting. Plus, it’s cheap.”

He softened his expression, trying to not be offensive, “No really, it’s fine. Thank you again for this.”

“No problem! I guess it doesn’t totally make us even, but it’s the least I can do.”

You both continued to pick at the plates of food in front of you in silence for a few minutes. Normally you hate sitting in silence around someone new, but this felt comfortable for some reason. It was later in the afternoon, so past the lunch rush, which meant the diner was a little quieter than usual.

“So,” you started, “What brings you to New York?”

Bucky dropped his gaze down to the table as he tried to think of an answer. “I…” he started in a whispered voice, “I grew up here.”

“Oh, so you’re from here? Coming back home, yeah?” You weren’t sure why, but you had a feeling like this man across from you had quite a story to tell, and curiosity started to get a hold of you.

“Something like that,” Bucky looked back up at you.

“Well, if you need directions or anything, I can try and help you out. I’m not from here but I’ve been around the city since I was a teenager. What neighborhood you looking for?”

He paused for a minute. He knew there was a word that stuck out in his mind, he just needed to remember what it was…. “Brooklyn.”

“I’m not as familiar with that area, but I can do my best,” you said with a smile.

“Oh no, no you don’t have to do that. I’ve put you out enough already,” Bucky objected.

“You haven’t put me out at all,” you retorted, “Buying you one meal won’t break my bank account.” You took a sip of you water before adding, “Besides, it’s nice to have someone to talk to.”

Bucky looked surprised at that. “You on your own?”

You sighed, “Yep. Both my parents are gone, and living in this city ain’t cheap, so I spend a lot of time at work just to survive. I don’t really spend much social time outside of the girls I work with. Besides, I’m usually really beat after work, I don’t have the energy to go out a lot.”

At your confession, Bucky found himself just as curious about you as you were about him. How could someone so beautiful be all alone? “What happened? With your parents I mean?” The question came out before he even thought about it.

It was your turn to look down, and Bucky could see the pain in your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he raised his hands up in a surrendering motion, “I didn’t mean…”

“It’s ok,” You looked back at him, “I don’t mind talking about it. It’s been years.”

Bucky shot you a sympathetic look. He never meant to cause you any pain, even in the smallest amount.

“Really,” you reassured him as you reached across the table to put you hand on top of his, “That’s how conversations work, right? You share something, then I share something, and we go ‘round and ‘round.”

A thought popped into his head as he met your eyes: were you two becoming friends? He knew it was dangerous to let anyone in; there were things he could remember and none of it was good. But at the same time, he had to admit to himself that a friend in this world was a very nice thought. He said nothing to that, only nodded to let you continue.

“My parents came to this country in search of a better life. I was just a little kid when we came over. We ended up in Florida, but my dad always talked about how much he wanted to see New York. I know its super cliché, but he truly thought that this was the place where dreams came true. Where you’re supposed to live your best life, or something like that,” you smiled to yourself as you thought about your father. You continued, “He got a job in a factory. He worked his ass off trying to save enough money to move. But…” You trailed off.

Bucky watched you tell your story with a sympathetic gaze. Instinctively, he reached his right hand out to you much like how you did for him. You raised your eyes to meet his and took in a deep breath before you continued.

“There was an accident one day and…” you didn’t have it in you to finish the sentence out loud.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky whispered as he stroked his thumb across the top of your hand to soothe you.

“It was a long time ago,” you sighed as you wiped away a tear with your free hand. The memory never really healed, but it became easier to handle over time. You weren’t sure why you were getting so emotional about it again. Maybe you felt safe enough in front of this man to let your feelings flow freely.

Bucky could tell that you were putting up a strong front, only to hide a lot of pain. It was a feeling he knew all too well. “So, you came here to honor your father then?” He hoped his assumption wouldn’t upset you more.

But you understood the meaning behind what Bucky said to you. In his way, he was sympathizing and trying to connect with you. “Yeah,” you exhaled, “Mom moved us here and found work where she could. Once I was old enough, I worked odd jobs too.”

Bucky leaned in as he listened to your story.

“Mom and I weren’t as close, but she was still family. She was all I had when we moved here,” your voice trailed off as you lost yourself in thought.

“Was?” Bucky asked, his voice low.

You sighed heavily, “Yeah,” you looked down at the table, tracing imaginary shapes in your mind to try and keep yourself calm, “I lost her too. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time late at night and…”

“I’m so sorry,” the look in Bucky’s face was genuine as he squeezed your hand tighter.

You looked up to meet his eyes and instantly felt comforted by the sincerity you found there, “It’s New York, what can you say?” You tried to brush it off so you wouldn’t linger on the thought, “I was 17 then. I’ve been on my own since. I made my own way, been able to get by in the city on my own.”

Your story sounded almost familiar: alone in New York, both parents gone, making your own way at a young age. Then it clicked in his head. You reminded him of Steven Rogers so much. Maybe that is what draw him to you, at least partly. Figures in this huge city he’d run into a person who reminded him of his best friend back in the day. The familiarity felt nice to Bucky.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky repeated, “I didn’t mean to make you talk about something like that. I know it must be hard for you.”

You wiped another tear from your eye and took a deep breath, “It’s fine. It actually kind of felt good to talk about again, oddly enough,” you chucked at the thought, “It’s been awhile since I talked about my parents or my past, it’s like I’m keeping them alive through memory by talking about them again. That sounds weird doesn’t it?”

“I’ve heard weirder,” Bucky smiled. And what a beautiful smile it was. This was the first time you saw a true smile from him, and once you saw it, you wanted to see it more.

“Indulge me then?” you set your elbow on the table and rested your head in your hand, ready to listen to this beautiful, mysterious man talk about absolutely anything.

Bucky did not want to get your involved in his mess, but he couldn’t deny your request. He chose his next words carefully, “I… I lost most of my memories,” he confessed.

Your expression changed, “What?”

“I don’t remember much,” he replied shyly, unsure how you would react.

“So that’s why you came to New York,” you put the pieces together, “You came home, back to what you know to try and jog your memory.”

Your unjudgmental understand took him off guard. He wasn’t used to any form of kindness, let alone from a beautiful woman like you. “Yeah,” he breathed out.

“Well,” you straightened your posture, “You need my help more than I needed yours then!” you said enthusiastically.

He shot you a quizzical look.

“Oh, come on, how would I not help you now?” you rubbed your hands together like you were getting ready for something to happen, “Besides you need someone who knows how the streets of New York are now. I don’t know how long you’ve been gone, but this city changed a lot lately. Come on, let me help you,” you pleaded.

Bucky was taken aback by your unquestioning urge to help him. But one look at your eyes told him you weren’t taking no for an answer, not that he could say no to you at this point anyway. He leveled his expression as he exhaled sharply, “Ok.”

You two spent the next few hours talking about trivial things. You caught him up on pop culture and news from the past few years, not knowing how far back his amnesia went. You told him about your favorite trends, important events, new music, pretty much anything you could think of. He listened to you with all his attention, taking in everything you were telling him. If he was honest with himself, he couldn’t care less about your words, he just wanted to hear you talk with that brightness in your eyes. He studied your features and picked up on your facial cues as you continued to talk. He took the time to memorize every feature and detail of your faces, from the subtle dimples in your cheek to the way you fiddle with your fingers when you get nervous.

Time seemed to fly by, and the sun started to go down as you continued to talk in your diner booth. You glanced over at the time with a scowl.

“Dammit, I gotta go. Work,” you said as you started to gather yourself.

Bucky frowned. He found himself not wanting to let you go.

You grabbed some cash from your bag and set it on the table, leaving an extra tip for the waitress for staying so long. You scoot your way to the end of the booth, your legs sore from sitting still for so long. As you stood, you turned to Bucky who was also getting up. “You free tomorrow around noon? There’s a great place in central park with a little pond and lots of hills. I go there when I need some quiet time away from the noise of the city. I can bring my laptop and help you figure things out.”

Bucky stood up and smiled down at you, “Sounds great.”

You extended your hand and he took it. “It’s a deal then,” you said with a smile. “See you tomorrow!”

Bucky watched you leave and eagerly looked forward to seeing you again.

Notes: Thanks everyone for reading so far! I’m gonna try to update every Friday evening. And I’ll work on a masterlist this week too.

[tearasshouse]

Mostly vidya ramblings pt 3C

Previous post here.

Right, software time. A cursory glance at my PSN Profile will show that I’ve met my personal quota of getting the platinum in at least 10 PlayStation titles over the year, with a few PC titles sprinkled in for good measure since hey, I have access to a Windows machine again (though it’s not exactly a games machine, unless your definition of a “gaming rig” is something with a 15W Core i3 and modest laptop Radeon graphics). While I didn’t start out meaning to rank these games, I find I have a tendency to do so anyway and while I’m certainly not saying these games are outright bad, they were absolutely lower on the rung, so I’ve dubbed this part “C” (again, no disrespect to the devs or any who rate these games higher than I do; these are just my personal assessments). These are OK games.

The Darkness 2 (Steam)

Enjoyable, somewhat! I put this down like, ages ago when I picked it up for a song on PC, feeling it was too basic and uh “console shootery” at the time. Often times, having restrictions placed upon something can net great results, and hamstrung as I am by my less-capable hardware, I’ve only been picking up Steam games that could run on lower end hardware, or anything released prior to say, 2015. Surprisingly this runs at something stupid like 200 FPS on my machine with V-Sync off and all settings on High at 1080p, so go figure. Anyway, it’s a short and enjoyable shooter. I don’t know anything about the comics upon which the game(s) are based, but Jackie is a likeable character, the Darkness powers are fun enough, the locations are varied, the supporting cast surprisingly interesting and the plot was actually pretty cool too, with a major sequel hook that we’ll probably never get. 

Ori & The Blind Forest (Steam)

It sorta hovers a bit below 60fps while running at 1080p, but it’s all just a bit reductive when one spends more time looking at the framerate counter than playing a game, no? The blessing and curse of PC gaming I suppose. Anyway, as a Metroidvania the game is a bit annoying. As a piece of interactive fiction, it’s too saccharine and feels like a B-tier Dreamworks production for children which, I suppose shouldn’t be a knock against the game but I have to say --  wasn’t my cup of tea. Reminds me a bit of Child of Light by Ubisoft -- gorgeous to look at, benign if not frustrating to play (those escape sequences can piss off), and young gamers would probably find more to like in the...emotional tidbits than most adults.

Crysis 2 (Steam)

So apparently this got delisted off Steam but now it’s back up or something with EA deciding to put their back catalog on the platform or something? Anyway, like this list implies, Crysis 2 is an okay game, nothing more and nothing less. The nanosuit energy depletes a bit too quick for my liking, and you’re really made to feel like a badass only some of the times, in quick and short bursts, not unlike BJ in the new Wolfenstein games by MachineGames (any more prolonged exposure to hitscan weapons and other bullshit will quickly send you to the loading screen). Thing is, I don’t want to feel like a badass only some of the time? I mean, you put a ripped supersoldier type doing the Badass Looking Back At the Viewer Pose on the cover and I expect to be able to do certain things without stopping for a breather every 20 seconds, ya know? If you’re going to give me the power fantasy, commit to it. Or, find ways to keep the flow up and reward mastery to make players earn said fantasy (something the new DOOMs  have done and why those have been so successful). I certainly don’t envy game devs for having to balance this shit, but id Software showed you one way of how you might do that while the Crysis games and those of their ilk just feel slow and unrewarding. 

Quantum Break (Steam)

Really surprised I was able to get this running on my PC but hey, it runs on the Xbox One so how hard could it be? I dearly love Remedy’s games, even if they’re a bit straightforward at times and you get the feeling they’d rather be in the business of non-interactive fiction than games making at times. Well here is a TV show hybrid! Made exclusively in partnership with Microsoft as part of their TV & STREAMING, TV & STREAMING, SPORTS & STREAMING strategy of the 2010s. I didn’t care for the plot, nor the endless email / audiobook / loredumps scattered around, nor the characters, any of it. I will say the final stage with the super high tech offices was a delight (boy wouldn’t I love to live the corpo life in such beautiful, clean office environs). Lance Reddick was a treat as always. Peter “Littlefinger” Baelish shows up to do a thing. Yeah, it’s a Remedy joint through and through. 2019′s Control was such a highlight for me that I’ll take any kind of prototype-y take on it (and QB certainly feels like a rougher, worse version of Control, at least mechanically).

Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs / Dear Esther: Landmark Edition (Steam)

These titles were certainly...things that I installed onto my PC and sat through... Yes. Look, I’m not one to dog on walking simulators, and I know the devs have faced tough times recently but I still feel these are acquired tastes and could be appreciably improved in too many ways to name. Of the two, Dear Esther is the one I’d rec because at least that one was quite pleasant to meander around in while Amnesia left me disappointed that I’d wasted my time, physically sick with its subpar performance and muddy graphics, flaccid with its stodgy plot and left absolutely disappointed that I’d wasted my time on such a bizarre and confusing payoff towards the end. Chinese Room, I mean this in the most constructive way possible: maybe try a different type of game next time.

Return to Castle Wolfenstein (GOG)

I remember putting in some decent time into the DEMO version of RtCW’s MP mode, being amazed at the time by the particle effects, with child-me just running around the D-Day map with the flamethrower out. Anyway, years later and I finally played the SP campaign. It’s maybe better than Allied Assault’s? It feels more consistently entertaining anyway. Hell I think I like these boomer shooters better than MachineGames’ recent efforts (which isn’t saying a whole lot because I find those games just merely okay). I promise you I’m not just being a crotchety old fart.

Ys: Memories of Celceta (PS Vita)

I’d been playing through this over the spring on my Vita TV, before it bit the dust eventually and I’ve been meaning to go back and wrap up the cheevos. I was a bit lukewarm with Oath in Felghana (my first Ys), but could definitely see the appeal in the series, as boss rush games aren’t really my cup of tea (ie. it’s the journey and not the destination of say, a Souls game that is the meat for me). Definitely a game that would benefit from a 60fps refresh and cleaner graphics than what the Vita can provide. I’ve already got a copy of Ys 8 in shrink wrap and have my eyes set on emulating Ys Seven or grabbing the GOG version. A game where action is king and story or character development is secondary; I would prefer more of the latter to make this more of a JRPG and less of a “predominantly Japanese action game with superficial RPG elements”.

Catherine: Full Body (PS4)

I paid $70 for this on day one and I’ve gotta say... should’ve waited for the price drop. I’m a somewhat lapsed Atlus mark, and I still hold the original Persona 5 as my no. 1 in the PS4′s lineup (with Dragon Quest XI possibly being a tie), yet I bought this knowing it wouldn’t really be for me. Why? High difficulty in a genre I don’t play, like at all, a relatively short clear time (in itself not an issue and frankly welcome these days HOWEVER...), and a somewhat unsatisfying payoff despite being a supernatural romance thriller. I bought this as seed money for Atlus’s P.Studio/Studio Zero, in the hopes that Project Re: Fantasy will knock my socks off just like the latter day Persona games have. Because in spite of the contents not really appealing to me, it’s still supremely well made, and it’s not everyday that games like these get made, so there you go. Look, if I could go back in time and put this money towards 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim, I probably would, but then the Catherine steelbook is ever so pretty... 

Tearaway Unfolded (PS4)

The OG game is one of the most charming little 3D platformer/collect-a-thons out there, and as far as children’s games (or er, “games that also appeal to children”) go, more of these and less of those please (your Child of Lights and Oris). I’d go as far as to say the OG version is better than the PS4 version, though the PS4 version is also quite good. Really, if I wasn’t going for that stupid Misplaced Gopher trophy, this would probably be an easy shoe-in for the B-tier list, but I place this demotion firmly at Media.Molecule’s feet. That cheevo is cursed.

The Missing: JJ Macfield and the Island of Memories (PS4)

I’d almost forgotten about this! If that doesn’t qualify for making the C-tier list then I don’t know what else does. I only know of Swery65′s qualities through osmosis, having watched the 2BF’s legendary LP of Deadly Premonition and the gone-too-soon D4: Dark Dreams Don’t Die. He’s an interesting person with interesting ideas but crucially, as a game dev, his output is just... kinda mediocre? If not outright bad? Case in point with this game. It looks and runs like garbo; it plays like garbo; the character designs are cute; the dialogue is pretty good; there is a wonderful and gradual “twist” to the main character that was super spoiled for me when people were discussing and promoting it (like, that is my bad, but also internet discourse on any kind of entertainment media is just *fucked*); there’s a lot of semi-colons in this sentence so I’ll stop here. 

And the balls to charge like, what, $40+ for the game on PSN?? I’d gotten it for way less on a sale but in a day and age when $1 could buy you 3 months of Xbox Game Pass Ultimate and MS might also throw in a curio like this in there just to fill in the gaps, it makes you wonder if these kinds of games can ever turn a profit, especially when the end product is this jank. And these are commercial goods, make no mistake, any aspirations to being an art piece or social critique notwithstanding, so that also brings to the fore the whole aspect of pricing games, relative value, production and marketing costs, blah blah.

IF you like something different, can appreciate games made on a shoestring budget with arguably bad gameplay and technical deficiencies, but has...heart? Then look no further to the output of this man. The most C-worthy of all the titles listed here. 

[xthexrevenantx]

👻🎮☕🥂🐯🎨

No! How dare you too! *Squishes face* I will now just… go lay here and die okay for I cannot handle.

Mun vs Muse Meme || Send A Symbol.

👻 ~ What is the scariest thing to ever happen to the mun and muse?

Mun:Needles.. I still shudder at my childhood shots. I’m just so unbelievably glad they are over. Furthermore.. Getting tattooed and pierced.. Especially my lip piercing. I have a pain tolerance that is non-existent so practically every little harmful thing gets to me. Every day I’m like touch my lip piercing cuz I can’t believe I got it.

Tho, my tattoo experience was so traumatizing that I simply won’t get tattooed anymore because the guy was just such a jerk to me I am actually terrified of tattoo artists in general. I still want to get more but it’s nearly impossible to go up and make an appointment. The studio I go to now are very laid back however and won’t judge you if you want to use numbing cream. I’m just… quite messed up from my first and only experience for so far.Also being in enclosed spaces with bugs that sting. Or getting into contact with bugs that sting. Basically any moment in my life ever that has the potential of turning out painfully. Also being in a position to be blackmailed as this has happened to me for several ongoing years so if I’m put in a position where I feel like I’m almost forced to open up about that it’s absolutely terrifying. Cuz my fault, ya know?Also enemies in video games because I am that much of a pussy™?I know it said to pick the most scariest moment, but, all of the times I’ve been scared ever come close to each other very much so it’s really hard to pick one that stands out on top. ————————————————————————————————— Muse:“I have no fear so I should say this question doesn’t apply to me as I have no answer.” He pondered a bit, as the given sentence was short on reply.

“Maybe I should add, the most thrilling thing which ever happened to me was having my lights knocked out by Obelisk The Tormentor. But I suppose that is very much the opposite thing of what you were asking for.” He elaborated.

🎮 ~ What genre of video games do the mun and muse like best? What are their favorite systems and video games? 

Mun:I love Doom, because I love Doom, and that is why I love Doom. And do you also love Doom? Because I love Doom. Also Doom, and Doom, because…

Also infamous seems really cool. Assassin’s Creed I, II, Brotherhood, bloodlines and Revelations. But I will always be resentful over the fact that Altaïr wasn’t given much. But i also love -

The Sims 3, Age of empires 3, 

Zoo tycoon, GTA: Vice City.

 Duke Nukkem, Jazz Jack Rabbit, 

Street raccer for the SNES.

I can generally like all genres of video games as long as I get a lot of freedom what I want to do in the game and not being stuck all the time with mission, after mission, after mission.

The SNES is my all time favorite game console, btw. I’m never going to be over the fact that that area has passed. I think the PS2 is a close second and then the laptop together with the PS3 is a shared third. Because for some games it really does take a while to get used to the controls. 

I think actually, the PSP needs a shared second place with the PS2..————————————————————————————————— 

 Look! *Points at Marik* It’s a Revenant! 8O

“…”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Muse:He lets out a heavy sigh as he glares at Mun from the corner of his eyes before getting around to answering the question. “I must say, Infamous really seemed appealing to me as well, I need to ensure I bring up enough devotion and get around to actually buying it.” He replied. 

“The older versions of Tomb Raider seem very playable to me as well. Amnesia sounds like my game.” Rubbing the back of his head momentarily as he searched for more options, he continued, “Honestly, I don’t really know many of the video games that are out there, but I like gory stuff and many things involving strategy.”Would you care for a shadow game?”

Marik! No! *Sells his deck on E-bay and throws his rod into the ocean.* There! Now come play Doom with me.

☕ ~ What drinks do the mun and muse like best? Do they prefer cold or hot drinks?

Mun:I don’t drink a lot or very often, but I like Iced Tea Green straight from the drinking package. At room temperature, does that still count as cold? I also still really love Lemonade, the kind I had as a kid very rarely. But since I next to never hardly drink I simply don’t bother to buy it. Tho I wouldn’t actually even know if they still sell it. 

Also I like Cola, but it kind of depends.. It tastes differently everywhere I go.. So it’s either really good or really bad. I also drink Nescafé Coffee, Original 3-in-1 at least two times a day, I think more out of boredom rather than addiction.

“Don’t tell me you view that fake ass shit you drink as actual coffee.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP :D I will poison you!

I actually prefer alcoholic drinks.. Are those allowed to be mentioned for cold drinks too? Although I don’t drink alcohol, I’ve only ever had long island iced tea and Sambuca and the last one wasn’t something I could finish before I had to go. But it’s funny stuff. 

Pure Tequila is the most horrible drink I’ve ever tasted.—————————————————————————————————Muse:“I prefer my coffee all black with no soul, but I also enjoy a casual beer once in a while.” He summarized his favorites, “I mostly prefer cold drinks unless it is coffee.” He added.

”For alcoholic drinks, I usually prefer the stronger, the better. I’m no lightweight in the slightest.” He remarked. “But my coffee is best.” He admitted to the point.

🥂 ~  What sort of things do the mun and muse usually shop for? what is the last thing either of them bought?

Mun:More Pets. You mean like.. Gift shopping or just what I generally buy? 

I don’t go into stores very often since the things I want are not something you can buy. And I prefer all the more to buy shit for people rather than myself. If I end up buying something for myself it’s usually Bun-bun related, or turtle-related. Such as pillows, plushies, pictures… Anything you can name that has those animals on it.

Or if I see cute notebooks, or pencils or many drawing-related things I buy them. Despite that I don’t draw but it’s an unwritten rule that cute books to write and draw in must be bought. I am one of those people who wishes to draw but I won’t put in the effort of learning because I’m extremely skeptic about it being something I could achieve. 

And otherwise, I generally buy groceries such as dinner, my trusty ‘fake ass coffee’ or pet-related groceries. And I do that almost weekly because I have 8471359 pets. Also Marik included *Mun is murdered now*.

The last thing I bought was a tiny sack heart-shaped small candies for my rabbits. Cuz my dog got a hold of, and ate their strawberry drop treats D————————————————————————————————— Muse: “I commonly buy supplies to clean up any blood stains from knifes and sometimes parts of the floor..” He spoke the words as if it was the most normal every day event to go about such business like it happened on every corner of the street.

“I don’t find myself so much spending money every day, all I practically need is food and to pay next months of rent and taxes. The only other times I spend money is for drugs, or take outs, or supplies stated before.”

“Once in a blue moon I buy films, or a book.. As murder isn’t the only hobby I have, but it is the one that needs maintenance most. Closely followed by my use of drugs and sometimes alcohol.” He rounded up.

🐯 ~ What animals would best be associated with the mun and muse? 

Mun:Mice. Because I’m smoll and fragile.. Wait, no. Actually I am not smol. But I am fragile. And I go by unnoticed, and I avoid crowds and people in general. But I may leave behind evidence that someone has been at the place.. Tho it is not poop. And even in a crowd I usually go by unnoticed and people don’t hear half, or more when I speak.————————————————————————————————— Muse:“A lion, because I’m fierce and territorial and I generally rule over all other beings living on this earth.” He said and took a quite self-assured stance. “The manner in which their predatory manifests resonates a lot with mine.”

🎨  ~ Do either the mun or muse have artistic talents? What are they?

Mun: Nein. I have none TT__TT *Silence and crickets* …Oh wait, but I can somewhat crochet, does that count? TwT————————————————————————————————— Muse:“I kill people? ..Would that be considered a form of art? Does the way I make them scream and beg and suffer count as any sort of art? It does to me.”

You sick fuck what is wrong with you?

(I think he would be an amazing writer, and an actor, however.)(I hope I got the right box question, there were four questions with a box >.

[justtextmeoppa]

❝ It’s nice that smile ❞

Plot: You’re Yoongi’s girlfriend but you’re scarier than him, more cold and distant but a little marshmallow inside. One day BTS see you crying because your grandma, who was suffering of amnesia, finally remembered you. 

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader x BTS

Words count: 2,9k+

Warning: None 

For anon, I hope you like it cutie! - M.  P.S. I hope you’re fine now. ♥

gifs aren’t mine, credits to the owner! 

"Darling, can you bring this to grandma?"  

The sweet voice of your mother forced you to lift your gaze, biting the inside of your cheek for keeping you from sending her to the devil.  

Not that you hated your mother, she was the most important woman in your life, but she knew how much your grandmother's condition would hurt you. You were tied to the old woman by a bond that couldn't be explained and every time her blank gaze was resting on you, you could feel the pain hit you repeatedly and tears constantly pinching your orbs.  

"All right." You murmured, taking the dish that she was giving you.  

Your brother gave you a little smile of encouragement and with a slow pace, you headed to the room where your grandmother was resting, feeling your heart beating more and more violently and the dish shaking in your hands.  

You weren't sure you could do it, now that condition was leading you to exhaustion and even the failure to really talk to someone, the fail to express to the best of your emotions, provoked further concern and pain to your heart already too bent and broken.  

Quietly you opened the door and on tiptoe, you approached the king sized bed that filled almost completely the room. She was asleep and you didn't want to wake her up because selfish you wanted to be able to lay the pot on the nightstand and run away.  

But her eyes opened and rested on you, so you stuck near the nightstand and watched her remain silent. The doctors explained that abrupt and sudden movements could cause further problems for people in those conditions.  

"Hello dear."  

A knot at the throat prevented you from saying something, but your eyes opened wide as the woman in front of you gave you a little smile. Maybe that was the day? Your heart began to beat even more violently than a few moments earlier, while hope began to flow into you rising to monstrous levels.  

"Who are you? What's your name, darling? "  

Your little bubble of hope exploded, an explosion so strong as to take your breath away and the tears began spontaneously to slip on your cheeks, falling on your mouth and letting you grind your nose to the brackish taste that they left on your soft lips.  

"I-I am... I brought you something to eat, you have to feed yourself, mh? " You couldn't stutter, while your lips bent into a small and fake smile.  

Your eyes were filled with disappointment and especially a sense of abandonment. Your grandmother hadn't recognized you for the umpteenth time and your world had collapsed a little more.  

~ ~

"Taehyung leaves immediately Jungkook, you're choking him." Seokjin was furious, obviously, he was just pretending to be, while trying to separate the two boys who continued undeterred to do wrestling in the living room.  

You were sitting on Yoongi's bed, with the door open and a beautiful view on the show that the eldest was trying to stop, while at your side your boyfriend quickly beat his fingers on the keyboard of his laptop completely immersed in his world.  

Your expression was flat, like every time you showed yourself outside the house walls. Only Yoongi was able, now much more than before, to penetrate that armor that you used as protection. You were similar, similar fears, similar thoughts, similar problems. And similar behaviors so understand what you felt and how you were actually had never been difficult for him.  

With a lazy move you get up from the bed and out of the room, you noticed Jimin's gaze on you and inside you giggled just because he looked like a frightened puppy. You were aware of what the other six thought about you, how they always avoided staying in the same room with you alone, how they avoided arguing with you.  

You were the Yoongi's female version, just a thousand times worse.  

"Taehyung, I didn't know you had some inclination." You teased him, noticing the position of Taehyung on a now breathless Jungkook, winking at him and slipping undisturbed towards the kitchen.  

The two immediately sat on the couch, red in their face and Seokjin lifted his arms to heaven shouting a "Halleluja" for now the resolved "fight" between the two youngest of "home".  

"Hello y/n!!!" You were greeted by an enthusiastically Hoseok, the only one who really tried in every way to approach you; "Today you look more beautiful than usual! Changed hairstyle? Makeup? Did you buy new clothes? "  

"If I answer you yes to your every question, you'll disappear?"  

"Obvious!"  

You pinched the base of your nose with the fingertips of the thumb and forefinger, melting inside for the sweetness and tenacity with which that little sunshine always tried to make you open. But your gaze, when you finally lifted it out of the bottle you were squeezing, was still flat and devoid of expression.  

Cold and aloof, but not even that enough to turn off Hoseok's huge and warm smile.  

"Yes, Hobi." You whispered, avoiding to smile.  

"You are beautiful!"  

He hugged you, albeit a quick and reckless hug, reaching than the rest of the group in the living room. A little smile stroked your lips, but immediately you return to bend your lips in a straight line without emotion.  

"Y/N!!!! WILL YOU STOP FOR DINNER??"  

A little mochi leaned his chin on your shoulder, he could afford it because you were lower than him and he was very happy, catching you by surprise.  

Jimin had never even tried to hug you or shake your hand, that sudden closeness will totally shake you. You just turned your face towards him, noticing the small dimples on his cheeks and the sweetness that leaked from those big dark eyes lightly covered by too long bangs.  

"Who gave you permission to rest your chin on my shoulder?"  

"Yoongi Hyung!"  

"What the heck is with you guys today? You seem happier than normal and.. Expansive. "  

"C'mon Y/N! I just want to be your friend! I don't know practically anything about you and I've known you for a year and a half! " He snorted like a five-year-old boy, pouting his cheeks without moving an inch from his position. "Even if you're cold, I'm sure underneath you're a marshmallow!"  

It was hard to say no to that expression. It was hard to say no to Jimin, in fact, it was practically impossible. But you couldn't break down those walls that your personality had built over the years. You were afraid to show who you were practically since forever.  

"Don't you think it's because I don't want you to know me?" You whispered coldly and a pinch of disappointment flashed in his eyes, as he nodded just and walked away from you. "I don't like to share Jimin, don't make it a personal matter."  

"But you know all about me.."  

"Because, you, without noticing, are really talkative.. And I don't know how good it's for you. " You emphasize, even more coldly than just before, even though your subconscious continues to yell at you to apologize.  

"At least Yoongi Hyung is kind with me, I don't understand why you must be so cold, Y/N."  

And with those words just whispered he turned, giving his shoulders and you cursed yourself immediately for hurting such a good and sweet person as Jimin.  

You gripped his wrist, stopping him and back hugging him for a matter of seconds. You felt him froze into your arms, holding his breath and this made you smile slightly. You weren't good with words, but Jimin was so caring that hurting him was the last thing you wanted.  

You loosened the hug after a few moments, running away from the kitchen with a fast peace without having caught the delicate smile that Jimin's soft lips had given you at that moment.  

"I thought you had disappeared in the kitchen."  

"Well back in the world of the living.." You whispered once you entered the room, throwing yourself on the bed next to him and resting your head against his chest staring at the ceiling.  

The episode of the day before came back forcefully to visit you and immediately a knot formed in your throat, which although with various attempts couldn't dissolve. Sighing you closed your eyes and you'd better settle against his chest, feeling his arm surround your shoulders and his fingers start stroking your neck and playing with a lock of your hair.  

"Still nothing..?" He asked you, tearing you off from your thoughts.  

With a small nod of denial, you smiled at him, albeit a sad smile; "She will come back sooner or later, the doctors are hopeful.. And so do I. "  

~ ~

"I'm home!"  

Your scream echoed in the walls of your house, but it wasn't greeted by anyone. Checking the wrist watch you understood that everyone was absent because at work or at school. And this annoyed you because no one was left with grandma. Resting your purse on the hanger you walked down the hall to his room and you didn't even bother to knock,  you were sure that she was doing her usual afternoon nap at that time.  

But once you get into the room, you'd find that she was awake so you stuck on the door watching her quietly.  

"Sorry.. I-I thought you were sleeping.. "  

"Why?"  

"You u-usually sleep at this hour.."  

"Why don't you call me grandma?" She inquired and you didn't immediately get the meaning of her words.  

"Because you still don't recog-- W-what did you say..?"  

Your heart made a flip and then began a violent race, so strong as to be on the verge of exploding, while with uncertain steps you began to approach the bed. And for the first time, you voluntarily laid your gaze on her, letting your eyes meet.  

The tears had, like two days before, started to flow quickly along your face and you didn't even bother to wipe them, it wasn't the time. You wanted to make sure you heard well, that you really understood. You wanted to make sure it wasn't just a dream.  

"From what I remember, miss, I'm still your grandmother." She mumbled with gruff tone, her gruff tone. What actually hid an infinite sweetness, exactly like you.  

"G-Grandma.."  

"Yes my darling and you are my beautiful Y/N."  

"G-G-grandma.."  

Without worrying about hurting her, you threw yourself on the bed and into her arms. You hid your face against her neck, crying like a little girl and letting the hiccups shake you from head to toe. Her arms, immediately, surrounded around your shoulders and wrapped you in that kind of hugs that could always make you feel safe.  

"Y-You.. A-are you..s-sorry.. "  

"You've the right to cry my sweetie, sorry if I took so long."  

"Y-You come back.. I o-only care about this. "  

 ~ ~

You had to run away from home. You needed fresh air, to make sure that what had just happened wasn't just a dream. You waited patiently for your parents to come home, hugging them vehemently as soon as they had stepped into the old woman's room.  

You hadn't stopped for a second to cry, and your red and swallow eyes were the glaring evidence.  

The time passed so fast that the darkness of the evening now surrounded you and without realizing you had found yourself in front of the boys' dorm. But they weren't there, everything was too quiet and the lights completely turned off. But you had no strength to move another step, so quietly you let yourself slip against the wall and hide your face in your arms, starting to cry quietly.  

Those tears were the accumulation of those months, months spent to keep a flat face but to suffer inside. And you came to a limit that was practically impossible to ignore. Even the bystanders' glazes, some even stopped to ask you if you were hurt, prevented you from stopping the irrepressible crying that accompanied you for hours.  

"What the heck..?" The manager's voice traveled the vehicle, reaching the ears of all seven, who immediately tried to understand why he had just cursed, albeit not too heavily.  

Yoongi slightly lowered the darkened window, trying to grasp what had caught the attention of his manager and a seated figure on the ground, curved on itself and clearly trembling leaped into his eyes.  

And the person on the ground wore his own shirt, which was always wide on her, which made he immediately understand who she was.  

"Fuck, Stop the van. Stop it! " He screamed by making jump all present, without even waiting for the vehicle to stop completely. He jumped down and despite his usual laziness, he ran to the seated figure that now even the others could see.  

"But it's Y/N."  Jimin murmured, running immediately behind his own hyung followed by all the others.  

The panic had seized Yoongi as soon as he realized that that trembling figure was you and threw on his knees next to you, trying to lift your face but without any results.  

Your muffled moans tore his heart, making him think of the worst scenario.  

"Y/N.. Tell me, what the heck is going on? " He asked frightened, while the figures of the other six surrounded you without letting you feel suffocated. You ignored the gentle protests of your boyfriend's hands on your arms, continuing to keep your face hidden against forearms and letting your broken and whiny voice be the only thing they could hear.  

"Fuck Y/N, tell me something.."  

"But is it really her..?" A curious Jungkook asked, observing before Seokjin and then Namjoon, completely taken aback by that desperate weeping.  

Taehyung said nothing, too shocked by that scene, but simply knelt and began to caress your hair gently. Although he had always been intimidated by your presence, seeing you in those conditions literally broke his heart.  

"Y/N If you don't tell me what happened I swear I'm going to throw it out with strength." Yoongi hissed between his teeth, more worried than really angry, grasping you wrists albeit gently and trying for the umpteenth time to dissolve that grip of yours and raise your face.  

Even Jimin knelt next to Taehyung, but starting to caress your forearm or better what he could touch since your face was pressed against it, murmuring sweet words that made you cry even more softly.  

"So also the coldest and detached person--"  

"Shut up Namjoon.. She isn't as you think."  

"I know Hyung, was what I was trying to say." The leader hummed with sweetness, resting a hand on his shoulder trying to reassure him because he seldom saw his hyung so worried.  

"I-I.. S-sorry.. " You stuttered, for the first time you felt how your voice was hoarse, trying at least to hold the hiccups into your throat.  

Lifting your face, immediately Yoongi squeezed it between his venous hands and with the fingertips of the thumbs wiped that mess the tears had left on your cheeks. The fear leaked from every stretch of his face and you felt guilty for provoking her because you imagined what he was thinking at that moment.  

Then your gaze rested on the other six, Taehyung and Jimin still kneeling that pampered you as if it were the most normal thing in the world while those still standing there kept smiling, feeling much less intimidated now. The one who they always believed as a colder person than ice actually had feelings like even other humans in the world.  

"Can you explain what the hell is going on?" Your boyfriend asked in a sweet tone, capturing your attention again.  

"G-Grandma.." You said without being able to formulate anything else, your throat too dry from crying continuously.  

"What...? She's fine, isn't she? "  

"Is your grandmother sick?" Taehyung inquired, caring even more and feeling closer to you, at least it was what you noticed observing his gaze.  

"Y/N say something, damn it!" Yoongi screamed, immediately receiving a slap behind his nape from Seokjin that ordered quietly to remain calm.  

In silence, still shaken by the weeping just interrupted, you approached your boyfriend and surrounded his hips with your arms, braiding your hands against his back. He didn't wait a single moment to tie you in his embrace, rocking you slowly and gently.  

Those arms were capable, always, to relieve any pain and even the delicate touch of the other two had been able to comfort you at a similar time.  

"Y/N.. If you feel uncomfortable talking because we're here, we can go away. " Both Seokjin and Hoseok murmured that phrase with sweetness, without wanting to be too pushy.  

But you lifted your gaze, looking them and after a year and a half your face brightened, showing a radiant smile even though covered by the little tears that still resided on your lips.  

They were shocked, shocked by such a sweetness in the gaze of that person they always saw so cold and distant.  

"No guys.. You are like a second family, even if I suck to prove it. And my grandmother was sick.. But now it's all gone, she's fine." Your faint voice reached their ears, almost a soft sound for all seven, while Yoongi increased the grip on you and kept lulling you with a delicacy that reserved only for you.  

"It's nice that smile, Y/N." Jimin pointed out, making the other five nodding; "You should wear it more often."  

"I will do Jimin, promised."

[sulfurousdreamscapes]

Everything the microphone recorded, the speaker forgot. It took me a while to discover this, but since then, I’ve been extra cautious with what I say when the microphone is turned on. Thankfully, I’ve always been stingy with when I turn the microphone on, so I haven’t forgotten much myself.

I was out of a microphone and I found a stupidly good deal on Amazon. The seller was really obscure, and located on the other side of the country. There was only one item left in stock, so after five minutes of careful, laboured consideration, I hit the buy button. The product was delivered in only a couple days.

Now this is where things get murky. I recall turning it on, but I cannot for the life of me remember what I said. I used it to Skype with a friend, and I remember that my friend and I talked about cats, and then her travels, and then clothes, and I don’t recall a word of what I said to her. I didn’t notice it right away, but within a few days, I made the connection. The microphone was sucking in everything I said.

I took it to an interview. I set up the laptop, and the microphone. I had the questions before me. Simple, basic questions for an artist. What are your inspirations? What time do you work? When did you start doing art? The usual questions. We talked for an hour, and had a great time, and every time I said something, I was reminded of the fact that I was going to forget it soon.

After the interview was done, I disconnected the microphone.

“It’s all in the file now, but I just wanted to clarify,” I said, “Did you cite Pixar as an inspiration?”

They frowned. “I…” they began, and then I felt a perverse glee inside me as I watched them struggle. “I’m not sure,” they said, smiling nervously. “In fact, I’m not sure if I have any inspirations at all.”

I nodded, and then played the file back, the exact part where they cited Pixar as an influence.

“What?” was their first reaction. I could relate. “I said that? I’m not sure if that’s… but I think Pixar makes sense,” they touched their head.

I laughed it off and suggested they get some rest. Of course, there was a lot more to it than that, but I couldn’t risk telling them. I couldn’t risk telling anyone until I’d figured out the exact level of hijinks I could inflict with this microphone.

I looked up the seller on Amazon. They were gone. No trace whatsoever. The item still showed in my purchase history, but the seller URL went to a dead end.

While I sat at home, I played back the interview file. Everything the artist had said, I remembered. But listening to myself talk was like listening to someone else with a voice uncannily similar to mine.

I connected the microphone again and recorded a file, in which I explained to a future version of myself everything that I knew about the microphone. Then I disconnected, and I forgot. Then I played the file back, and stared at the microphone in amazement.

I could hardly believe myself.

Inside the folder, there are about two dozen audio files of various sizes. Each one is neatly labelled, complete with a date. They list my fears, my bad memories, trauma, broken relationships, cringeworthy moments, all of which I’d spoken at length about, as if I were in therapy. At least, that’s what I think is in those files, judging by their names.

The microphone that steals memories had become the ultimate medication for me. If I can’t remember anything bad about myself, it wouldn’t exist, right? And yet, that’s not how it worked. Rather than cleanly removing the bad memory, I was left with a dark, seeping hole in my memory. Somehow, I could tell that a memory existed there, and that it was gone. I didn’t know if the memory was good or bad—that had been replaced with a suspense. The suspense of not knowing whether that was a memory I shouldn’t have forgotten.

Sometimes I’d listen to a file if it really, really intrigued me. Most of the time, I’d just sink my head into my hands and wonder to myself why I’d let myself regain that memory. It was not worth it. So I’d delete the file, and record the memory again. Once done, I’d take a deep breath and try to remember it. It was gone. I couldn’t remember what I’d said.

A new hobby. I’d keep the mic connected and walk about town, recording the city. Me, I wouldn’t say a word during these excursions. But the people around me did. Once I was back home, I’d play the file back to me as I did my chores and browsed the internet. Everything that was said had been forgotten. The woman talking about how living in London is like. The boy discussing autism. The girl asking for an Oscar Wilde book at the book shop.

I was cleaning out everyone’s memories. Was it fair? Was I doing them a service?

I forgot.

I took the mic with me to press conferences, and talked to sportsmen, actors, directors, politicians, city officials, painters, writers, musicians. I asked them questions, and I asked them bare it all. All the deepest, darkest things they could think of. Of course, they never did talk about their deepest secrets. But what they did, they forgot.

And surprisingly, it hit the news. ‘An outbreak of amnesia’, the headline said. I couldn’t publish my interviews, I’d realised a long time ago. But this growing epidemic of amnesia was something I wasn’t sure how to handle. Do I continue recording the world, filling up their minds into my hard drive?

My head hurt. For some people, headaches are very common, but they’re actually quite rare for me. I took it as my body voting for the 'no’ camp. And to be fair, the mind was a part of the body. I’d been abusing my body, I realised.

And I’d been abusing every single person in this town.

I listened to the audio files every moment I got that I wasn't recording. The microphone was a weapon, and it gave me a power—a power I didn't know what to do with. They say that knowledge is power, so I hoarded it. I took notes, but the notes poured over themselves. I can't hold the city's secrets to myself. I can't hold the secrets of all the famous people I'd interviewed. I wasn't worthy of keeping them with me. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't worthy of this microphone.

I considered breaking it. Of course, going public with it would only invite ridicule. No one would believe me. I had to break it, I thought. To make sure no one can use it again. I wasn't sure who had given me this unusual device or why, but I knew that it was a curse. A burden I couldn't possibly take on.

I cried.

I couldn't do it. It didn't help that a part of me was conjuring bizarre fantasies of unleashing technological curses that might spread every which way if I were to destroy the mic. What if it is some ancient mummy's curse? Wouldn't want to risk it.

So instead, I watched the city destroy itself. The situation got worse by the day. I'd stopped recording, but the damage was done. So much had been forgotten that the entire infrastructure had stopped functioning.

I'd wounded people, I realised. Wounded them without their knowledge. It wasn't unlike shooting them down, or exploding a bomb in their faces—the victims wouldn't know what hit them. And that's how it was: my victims didn't know what hit them. They were living angry, distraught, frustrated lives as they struggled to remember memories that had been stolen from them.

Memories that were about to be deleted if I chose to hit the OK button on the format dialog box.

I paced around. I had lunch. I watched a dumb comedy show on TV. I checked my mail obsessively, which was full of confused messages from people asking if I knew what they'd talked about during their interview.

Finally, I hit OK.

Everything on the drive disappeared.

All the memories of the city, everything people knew, about themselves, about others, about the things that mattered and the things that didn't.

It was a fresh start. A new beginning.

Maybe this was the power that I had been granted, after all. The power to start things anew.

Even as the city descended into chaos—deep, psychic chaos, I was the only person who knew. I put the microphone in a wooden box and drove out into the desert outside the city. I drove for a couple of hours, and then buried the box in the sand, somewhere far away from civilisation.

I wasn't stupid. I knew someone would find it.

Thankfully, all I had to do was talk about what I'd seen the next time I saw the microphone, and then it would stop mattering.

Today’s throwback story is inspired by the excellent Zen and the Art of Transhumanism.

[citycfangels]

text: raquel ⇄ charlie

Raquel: knock knock.

Raquel: nevermind forget knock knock almost jokes. Did you forget about the starving really hot girl in your apartment?

Raquel: is this is a hint for me to leave?

Raquel: maybe it isn't but I hope everything is okay. I'm worried.

Charlie: everything is okay, babe. i just ran to someone and i had to say hello

Charlie: i wouldn't forget about my almost naked, hot, starving girl.

Raquel: okay, just making sure. I wasn't thinking up crazy scenarios or anything. Nope.

Raquel: well I hope you wouldn't forget about me. Not even if you get amnesia or something. You're supposed to remember me forever.

Charlie: i wouldn't do that ever, babe.

Charlie: can i ask you something hypothetical, babe?

Raquel: well you're still away but you sure are making up for it by being cute. 😘

Raquel: ... what's the hypothetical????

Charlie: my face and my body makes it up for it, babe

Charlie: okay, i don't know how to say this so

Charlie: imagine a couple in which A and B are 'dating' but B is with C too

Charlie: what if A sees C cheating on them?

Raquel: this is a weird hypothetical. I just want you to know that.

Raquel: what are you trying to say?

Charlie: yeah, it sounds weirder that it did in my head

Charlie: i saw Nathan with another girl a moment ago. i don't know if he saw me but

Raquel: babe, nathan isn't even in town.

Raquel: I am with you and I know that I'm the bad guy in that relationship. I know you think he isn't right for me and that I should be with you, and I already said I would but you don't have to tell me he is cheating on me when he isn't even in town. He wouldn't do that to me.

Raquel: are you sure it was Nathan?

Raquel: i know how my last texts sounded and I don't want to call you a liar and I'm not it's just I was okay knowing that I was cheating on him. I was okay with being a bad person and not giving our relationship a shot. I was fine with being in love with you and not with him even when I knew I should be with him. And I know it's wrong that I might be a bit upset if that was him. I just didn't think someone would actually cheat on me. Maybe flirt with other girls or whatever but I don't know.

Raquel: shouldn't you be happy about this?

Charlie: then he lied to you.

Charlie: i know it sounds crazy but it was really him, with one of the girls that came to his promotion party. it may sound like something i'd say so you can finally break up with him, but it's not.

Charlie: no, it's not, i guess. i've never been in your position but i would have probably be upset too.

Charlie: as for me, i don't know. a part of me is because i always thought he was going to do something sooner or later to fuck things up between you two, but the other part of me doesn't want to see you upset.

Charlie: i'm sorry i'm the one breaking it to you.

Charlie: wait, did you just say you're in love with me?????

Raquel: no, if anyone had to tell me he was cheating on me I'd rather it be you.

Raquel: I'm sorry that you have to tell me and that I'm being this weird. I shouldn't care.

Raquel: I guess I'm not upset. I just I don't know. It just means our relationship went longer than it should have if we both weren't in it. It's just I was fine with being the bad person in this. It's just shocking to know that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Raquel: of course I'm in love with you.

Charlie: no, i think it's something normal. you were in a relationship with him, even if you weren't as invested as you are in ours. still, i'm okay with you being weird about it.

Charlie: besides, i can't tell you how to feel about it. i had a feeling about him, but i hoped he was a good man. it was shocking to see him with his tongue down someone else's throat.

Charlie: damn. now i'm here smiling while looking at my phone like an idiot in the middle of the street.

Raquel: maybe I should just be happy for him. Maybe he found someone to be with just like how I'm with you.

Raquel: he is a good guy. Unless Im saying cheating makes you a bad person. I don't know because ifit does then I'm worse, right?

Raquel: then maybe you should get out of the middle of the street crazy person.

Charlie: if you tell me he is, i believe you. you're not a bad person for cheating, but there's people who won't see it the same way.

Charlie: who are you calling crazy now???

Raquel: maybe other people don't matter. At least not when it comes to this.

Raquel: I'm still calling you crazy. You're completely crazy. I'm the sane one in this relationship.

Charlie: you're right, they don't

Charlie: what did i do to deserve this attack?

Raquel: at least they don't matter when it comes to this and honestly the only person whose opinion really matters is yours

Raquel: you can't call it an attack if it's the truth.

Charlie: that's it, you just lost the privilege of seeing me cooking while naked, just wearing an apron.

Raquel: what?

Raquel: don't be a tyrannical dictator you cant just start taking things away from me. I can do that too you know. Or I can just go home.

Charlie: in that case i'm open to negotiate as soon as i'm home in a couple of minutes

Charlie: although i could do that without a problem because we're at my place, remember?

Raquel: which is exactly why I can go home if you want to start taking away reasons for me being here. There's no negotiation.

Charlie: oh, so you're there because of the nudity?

Charlie: i think i will cook with nothing under the apron then... if you're also naked.

Raquel: obviously. Nudity and the coffee and maybe the comfortable bed but that's it.

Raquel: do I really have to be naked? I was thinking of wearing a full on nun outfit for a change.

Charlie: and you're not there to see me read and look smart and sexy while i'm at it? now i'm hurt

Charlie: yes, you have. i'm not going to be the only one naked, right?

Raquel: eh maybe I am but that's just a bonus.

Raquel: depends... what are you going to do to convince me?

Charlie: for starters i'm going to cook you a decent meal instead of ordering food, whatever you want me to make with everything i bought. naked, of course, only wearing an apron

Charlie: then we'll see what happens. i haven't thought about it yet

Raquel: sounds like the beginning of a good plan.

Raquel: maybe you shouldn't overthink this. From the sounds of it food, maybe wine and you is a pretty solid plan.

Charlie: a good plan that will likely end up in sex

Charlie: i haven't bought wine but i'm sure i have something in there, you can look for it before i arrive

Raquel: Is that all you think about with me?

Raquel: I'll start the scavenger hunt now. hOpefully I find something good.

Charlie: not always, but it's what happens when i've been in my apartment with you for myself for two days in a row

Charlie: good luck, i'll be there in a few minutes

Raquel: really? So it's only because I've been here and it's not just because your mind just automatically goes to the gutter?

Raquel: So there's no weird stuff I shouldn't find? Nothing you want to hide from me?

Charlie: maaaaaybe yes, maybe not

Charlie: i have nothing to hide, what would i hide?

Raquel: I think that just means definitely yes.

Raquel: I don't know. Stuff. There could be a lot of things you can hide at your place. A collection of weird dolls, drugs, other girl's panties. The list is endless.

Charlie: busted

Charlie: i don't do drugs, i haven't fucked any other girl since we started being somewhat serious and i don't have creepy dolls. and the porn is on my laptop, so you won't find any porn either

Raquel: big time.

Raquel: Okay. I believe you. Not like you would find anything at my place if you did want to go snooping. i don't have anything from you

Charlie: i thought you'd have at least one t shirt at this point

Raquel: If I did I wouldn't be hiding it. Your t shirts are only yours while you wear them. Once they go on me they're mine.

Charlie: oh? then i'm never get them back?

Raquel: nope. They're mine now.

Charlie: well, keep them. i don't really mind you having them to be honest

Raquel: so should I take that as code for "sure babe, you can have all my shirts"?

Charlie: yes, you can have them. i can always buy new ones anyways and you look good in them

Raquel: you do know that that just means that you'll just always be buying shirts.

Charlie: i only ask you to not steal too many of them, or else i'll have none to wear

Raquel: you not wearing a shirt wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Charlie: in private, but me not wearing one in public and attracting too many girls at work? you're sure you want that?

Raquel: .... maybe I don't. You did say that you weren't seeing other girls so if we are going back to being exclusive, exclusive then they can look but they can't touch.

Charlie: i wasn't seeing other girls, so yeah, i can do that. i have no intentions of having anything with someone else if that's what you're asking

Raquel: it's not exactly what I was asking but it sorta is.

Raquel: there's just me for you and I know that now. I just wasn't sure if we were on the same page or not.

Raquel instagram post: https://78.media.tumblr.com/30e75391e84d85e259bea50f5133086d/tumblr_or6lnecFwu1w7ltgxo1_500.jpg Quellersmal When you’re completely okay with the thought of never wearing pants again. #mymanisnttheonlyonewithabs #nopantsforme #noshirtsforhim

Charlie: we are in the same page and you can have my shirts

Charlie: and by the picture you just posted, it seems like you're going pantless

Raquel: yessss I get a new part of my wardrobe.

Raquel: any objections?

Charlie: nope, no objections. you know i like your ass so much, so you won't hear a complaint from me

Charlie: it may distract me, but i won't whine about it, babe

Raquel: well distracting you is what I'm best at even if I do want you to get through your books.

Charlie: you're the best at it. your ass is distracting, especially when you're not wearing pants

Charlie: what if i don't read today and we do stuff together? watching a movie, for example

Raquel: sure we could do whatever you want. I think us taking a break from sex will actually be just what your neighbor wants. Either she is just not a nice person or she is just sick of hearing us. I went out and saw her and let's just say I didn't get a warm welcome. Hopefully for neighborly sake she is nicer to you.

Charlie: which one of them? is she the blonde one?

Raquel: yeah, I think she said her name was Candice or something.

Charlie: oh

Charlie: she's a bitch, don't pay attention to her. she's probably jealous.

Raquel: jealous? Why would she be jealous? She's a knock out and if I were completely single and in a world where you didn't exist maybe I would try to hook up with her

Charlie: i don't know, it was a guess

Charlie: i know, she's hot, but i find you hotter, babe

Raquel: I don't think I'm someone pther people would be jealous of. Even if I am pretty lucky and I have you.

Raquel: you are winning a lot of boyfriend points. But since when is leggy beautiful blonde not your type?

Charlie: yesh, you're lucky bc you're with me, but you're hot and smart, so that's hitting the jackpot

Charlie: i'll be honest with you: i hooked up with her once, she became clingy and i don't do clingy

Charlie: don't worry about her, okay? she may be jealous and bitchy but i'm with you, babe

Raquel: when did you hook up with her?

Raquel: was it when we were together?

Charlie: no

Charlie: it happened at some point in those four months after we broke up. i can't recall when, but we weren't together at that point, that's for sure

Charlie: she's the only girl i regret hooking up with, and that says a lot coming from me

Raquel: right, because you have hooked up with so many girls.

Raquel: it's not that I don't appreciate your honesty. I do. I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel knowing that some girl you hooked up with a) lives so close and b) still acts like she has some sort of claim over you.

Raquel: I guess I was okay with not knowing who you hooked up with but now it's like I can picture it. You with her and I hate it because I know I shouldn't worry. I know I should just be fine with it but right now I don't know.

Raquel: I'm not upset but maybe I should go home (unsent)

Charlie: she's pretty much aware of me not wanting anyone but you at this point, so she won't make a move. or at least i hope she doesn't pull off any shit.

Charlie: the only girl i want is you, babe. isn't that enough? she may live next door, but i wouldn't go to her ever, not even if things get rough between us.

Raquel: are you 100% sure? I don't want you to wake up one day and realize that you want her and just go next door because I am in this. There is no one else for me. What happened with Nathan and us breaking up was a mistake. I know that now and I know you're saying I'm the only girl you want now, but I don't want those to be just words. You gave me time to figure things out and if you need the same then I can give you time. I just don't want you making a decision you might regret later. She isn't the only one that can be clingy or obsessive.

Charlie: babe, why are you insecure?

Charlie: sure, she's hot, she has the legs and the body and she looks like a damn model, but that means nothing to me if she's ugly inside. you're beautiful outside too, but what makes you different from her is that i fucking like you for who you are. you're beautiful inside.

Charlie: i would never go to her, i'm 100% sure of that. i don't even need time to think about it.

Raquel: I'm insecure because the fact that you're with me still baffles me. You could be with any girl in the world.

Raquel: can you just come home please?

Charlie: i could, but i chose you

Charlie: let me take the elevator and i'll be there

Raquel: i guess I choose you too. And I'm going to keep choosing you until you get sick of me.

Raquel: chop chop.