#i really think these are just normal mental issues. like i guess slightly low self-esteem and prob mild depression or whatever. but normal

[finalgirlgretchen]

i can't even tell if i FEEL bad or if i'm just going through the motions of someone who feels bad in order to convince myself that i do

[becomingbts]

Time heals (sometimes) - Teaser 1

Summary: 6 years ago, (Y/N) thought that she was finally taking her life into her hands, leaving behind a toxic and abusive relationship with a man who taught her she’d never be worthy of love. However, it became hard to ignore his words when she met her seven soulmates who rejected her without even giving her a chance to prove herself. It took (Y/N) 3 years to realize that it wouldn’t be her end. She would live on to prove them all wrong; she would become what they all thought she wasn’t: someone worthy of love. And as she stands proudly on the stage, under the burning spotlights and the applause and the cries of the delirious crowd, she feels alive. Alive, just like the bond she believed to be broken.

Pairings: Y/N x OT7

GENRE: Soulmate AU!, Idol Y/NAU!, semi social-media AU!, ANGST (mainly), fluff, romance, maybe smut in the series.

Ask or comment to be tagged!

Warnings: The series is going to be heavy with a lot of personal experiences mixed into the fiction, so this is going to be kind of therapeutic for me. Please, consider not reading the series if you are not comfortable with: abandonment issues, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm (not descriptive and only part of MC’s past), suicide thoughts (in the past), toxic behavior, toxic and abusive relationship (in the past), depreciating self-talk and low self-esteem, a lot of curse, physical and mental pain, near death experience situation (in the past), and maybe smut scenes (happy ending though, but it will probably be quite the ride).

NOTE: I was thinking of “Moonchild” and for some reasons, some memories I’d prefer to have forgotten came back to my mind and instead of making a full-blown panic attack like I used to, I thought that it would make a great plot if I mingled that with a soulmate and idol verse and that’s how I started going into it. This is going to be loaded with personal experiences, even if they’ll probably be a bit differently explained compared to what I experienced. Despite the heavy themes and many warnings, I hope you guys will like it. I think I really needed to write it. It will be a semisocial media AU!, because I like the idea of being to write some of their conversations through texts. However, I do plan on fully writing most of it. Though, you’ll have some updates about their social medias as I will update their profiles soon after you see this. I will probably mix a lot of different media for this story such as songs written and produced by myself. I’ll upload for real MC’s EP. So expect a lot for this story. Please take well care, feedback is always very warmly welcomed, it helps me to write for real. If you need to talk to someone, my dms are always opened and if you really don’t feel well, please call urgency numbers.

Thank you for reading,

-Dolly

"And we will close our night show with the most awaited segment! The audience jumped during the commercial break, it's amazing how many people just joined us! Welcome to our interview segment and especially, welcome and thank you so much for being with us Moon!”

"Of course, thank you for having me on your radio show." 

"Thank you for coming! I have to mention that this is your very first interview with another media than your usual personal platforms like Vlive, YouTube, or Instagram, so we are honored to be the first ones to greet you! Do you plan on making more activities outside your personal schedule for the promotion of your new album?" 

"If I may be honest, not really. I'm the most comfortable in my own safe zone and I tend to try not to get out of it too often. It might close some doors to me but I'm comfortable with my fans that way. However, I often listen to this radio show and a lot of my fans were enthusiastic about that so I thought: why not."

"Ah, thank you so much, it means a lot! Your fans are indeed a strong community and they support you whether you go to TV shows or not. Besides, you've been a very active artist on social media and your whole career started on YouTube and SoundCloud before you signed to your current agency. We have to congratulate you on your journey! It's barely been two years but here you are, with your second EP 'People'! Congratulations on the release!" 

"Thank you very much."

“For our listeners who might not know who Moon is, I’m going to introduce her to you: Moon, your real name is (Y/N), you were born on August 4th, 1998, Incheon and your mother was American so you pursued your studies in America. You have been taking online classes since the start of your career at the HULT, university of Florida, and even recently got your Business Bachelor, now aiming for a Ph.D. You started your journey on Youtube, uploading covers and vlogs until you finally started producing your own songs, releasing them on Soundcloud. You started gaining a lot of followers; thus, you started on other social media such as Twitter or Instagram. One year ago, you release your first EP called ‘BALANCE’  which is the reason why the music label BigHit reached to you and asked you if you wanted to sign with them. Did I get everything right?”

“You are. It feels like you know my life better than I do.”

"Ah not at all, but thank you, I am glad that I didn’t say something wrong! Would you mind sharing the concept of this EP? Many of your fans probably already know but maybe some of our daily listeners might not!" 

"Of course. As you said, 'People' is my second EP, yet the first to be studio recorded. Signing with BigHit is a big step in my career and it created a lot of changes, hence I decided to focus on the people I have met, stayed with, became close to, or detached myself from… This is dedicated to the people who changed my life, whether they intended to or not. It could be interpreted as my social life diary in a way." 

"I see, many of your fans have said that the album held a very distinct duality, with a bright and a much darker side that made quite the storm on social media. ‘Y/N our Moon’ and ‘MOONISBACK’ trended for a few nights on Twitter. Do you have anything you'd like to say about that?" 

"I guess it was a surprise because this mini-album is really raw and uncensored. I didn't try to sugarcoat it nor to romanticize my experiences. I hope it brings comfort to people who haven't been feeling well. Because I think that it’s always easy to say that it's going to be okay to someone who’s not feeling well. Everything doesn’t suddenly become okay. And it's fine to be hurting, you can learn to live with this pain and move on while still hoping for better days. There is no end to hopes, and this is why my EP has a brighter side to it. Not everything is always a vast cold ocean. Sometimes, there are small or big waves that come crashing into our universe and they form something that we couldn't have imagined. They bring a little piece of sunshine in life and it helps to move on. So I hope that people who are struggling know that, despite how insignificant I might be, there is a person that understands and can relate to their struggles. I hope it can comfort them, even just slightly, to know that they are not alone." 

"That's a beautiful way to put it."

"Ah, thank you." 

"I have to ask because I'm really curious and I’m definitely not the only one: a lot of your fans have been theorizing about who could your title track ‘TIME’ be about? I have to ask you on the behalf of everyone. Is it okay for me to break the mystery?" 

"Time is a track that shouldn’t have made it to the EP. It’s a bit like a fit of personal anger that I didn’t know I needed to let out.”

“Your anger was definitely heard and understood. People have been curious about the addressee of the song especially because of the line ‘maybe it’s time I finally let go of you’. So can you tell us who is it about?” 

“Uh...Time was written for my seven soulmates who rejected me years ago." 

"Seven!?"

"Yeah, it's a lot I know.”

“Is that why you have covered your soul mark with this tattoo on your arm? Netizens talked about it a lot; normally idols tend to cover their arm from the public eyes to avoid for their soulmates’ names to be known, but instead, you were proudly showing your tattooed arm, fully covering what might be under the ink. Many people assumed that it meant that you didn’t have a soulmate at all.” 

“Well, I decided to cover the mark because there was no reason for me to keep it without hurting myself. I decided that I have been hurt enough to let myself take a rest. I didn’t see the point in hiding my arm either, I’m proud of my tattoo, I mean; it’s really a beautiful piece in my opinion. But to answer the assumptions, I don’t consider that I have soulmates anymore, hence why the tattoo as well." 

"This is really a heartbreaking story, it must have been extremely hard. Breaking a soul bond is immensely dangerous, my link with my husband already itches when I spend the day away from him, so seven soul bonds? It must have been terrible." 

"It was, but the most important is where I am now. I'm not lingering on that anymore because they made their choices and I thus made mine. I just hope that they all are healthy and happy where they are." 

"I have to say I'm really impressed (Y/N)-shi, you really have a delicate and caring soul. I probably wouldn't be able to have such soft words about your soulmates had I been in your shoes."

"I think living the actual experience made me reflect on myself a lot. I'm comfortable where I am now, I'm able to do music and make what I love. I have nothing to complain about, I'm surrounded by lovely and supportive fans, I have the best manager I could have ever hoped for and a warm and healthy family. I don't need more on my side." 

"I'm glad you are happy then. Many of your fans have pointed out it's really hard to make you smile and some wonder if you are happy, especially after the release of ‘TIME’, I don’t blame some of your fans for being worried." 

"Ahhh, is smiling the only way to prove that we are happy? I believe my words are usually a bit more impactful than my facial expressions. I have to admit that I don't often smile, it's not a bad thing, at least I don't think so, but I just don't feel the need to smile when I don’t feel like it. Besides, I get shy easily when I expose my emotions too much." 

"It's hard to imagine you being shy but at the same time now that I have you in front of me, our listeners cannot see you, but I definitely feel that you have a very shy and reserved aura despite the energy you give off when you are on stage. It’s not unfriendly either, but you’re just very soft-spoken and quiet in everything you do. Like when you came in, I barely heard you entering at all; you’re just silently making your way without a fuss, it’s really endearing, to be honest."

"Ah... I’ve been told that my stage persona and the ‘me’ in real life were two different entities but I don’t really think it’s true. I'm extremely introverted and it doesn't really mix well with the stage. So I just put it on the side for the people who came to see me and deserve to see more than a 24 years old woman who has troubles speaking without stuttering in front of other people." 

"You stutter when you have to speak in front of other people?" 

"Sometimes it happens when I’m nervous, and I’m very often nervous. Like right now, I’m extremely nervous. But it's something I'm working on." 

"Well it's definitely paying off because I couldn't sense that you were nervous at all, just very calm and soft, but I wouldn’t be able to imagine you being nervous enough to stutter."

"A lot of artists actually have stage fright, most of them just don't want to admit it because it doesn't sound sexy when you tell your fans you're actually shaking before going up there for the show." 

"This is very true, but it's refreshing to hear it from someone who actually lives through that rather than fan theories." 

"That's understandable." 

"Our time is coming to the end, do you have anything you would like to add before we sadly get our mics taken away?" 

"Oh uhm, everyone, my new mini-album 'People' came out very recently and yet it already received a lot of love so I want to thank you for that. This EP was a very personal project and I was worried about how it would be welcomed but you all made me realize that I have nothing to fear because we'll always find someone who can relate to our stories. As long as I can help even one person with my songs, then it's enough for me. Thank you for listening to me and my voice. I hope we'll be able to meet soon. Love you my fans and non-fans as well, please take well care of yourselves in those times. Be careful and stay safe. Wear your mask!" 

“Thank you so much Moon for being with us tonight. Our time was short but I really enjoyed it, I hope our listeners were able to feel that very warm presence of yours through the mic. ‘Give Me A Song’ of Moon’s EP ‘People’ will now be playing and we will see each other tomorrow night with IU for the release of her new album LILAC. Take care!”

Comments or Ask to be tagged!

Uploaded : 08/04/2021

[an-emovision]

Someone to you - Izuku Midoriya

--------------------------------------------------------- A/N: Highkey cringed a little when i was editing this but like its fine i guess, hope you enjoy!  Trigger warning(s): self esteem issues, low self worth(?)(if you’re feeling these things please know you are wonderful and beautiful just the way you are and someone out there loves you and if no one does then i will >:)) --------------------------------------------------------- "Hey! Good morning Y/N!" You looked up from your phone to find Izuku Midoriyas bright smile. as he made his way towards your figure on the couch you returned his smile with your own tired one. "Good morning Izu" You replied, letting out a yawn and stretching your arms out above you. His brilliant green eyes seemed to follow your every movement as he made note of your current appearance. Given that you were still in what seemed to be your pajamas which consisted of an over-sized white shirt and black shorts, not only that but your hair was all askew. He came to the conclusion that you had just woken up which was correct, so his smile softened as he sat next to you, the couch dipping from his sudden weight on the cream colored cushions.  You crossed your legs as you watched him take a seat next to you in the common room of the UA dorms. A sweeter smile gracing your heavenly features as he sat, well at least Izuku thought they were heavenly as he watched your face contort into the smile. His favorite thing about you had always been your smile.  The day ahead seemed easy, It was a beautiful Saturday morning. The sky was clear, not a cloud to be seen. Mina even offered you to come shopping with her, Uraraka, and Tsu which you gladly accepted. So why did you feel so...Sad? Nothing necessarily bad had happened that day, nothing more then the usual. It was the weekend which meant no class, but that didn't mean most of your classmates weren't working to better themselves still. Bakugo was picking fights with Todoroki and Midoriya while Ida tried to break it up as usual. Kirishima having to drag Bakugo away so he could cool off. No one really knew what set him off, no one usually does. So the class simply assumed it was Midoriyas existence (which was correct)  and went about their day. So why did your figure feel especially heavy today? Why did you feel so upset?  "...y/n?....Helloooo Y/N? You okay?" you were snapped out of your thoughts by Mina who had placed a hand on your shoulder and was looking at you with slight worry in her features. Your eyes darted to her golden orbs and gave her a quick nod and a half-assed smile "Yeah! yeah im good!" you let out an embarrassed chuckle as your eyes left Minas and settled on Uraraka and Tsu who were also look at you with slight concern etched into their features. The girls looked at each other for a moment before Mina nodded and continued about her rant about some clothing brand that sold a jacket she really really wanted. The group continued to walk about the mall checking out shops and buying some snacks for your roommates along the way. You still didn't know what was wrong with you, still curious as to why your social stamina wasn't quite up to par today. You were having fun, at least that's what you were telling yourself but in actuality all you wanted was to go home, change into some pajamas and lay in bed for a while. Maybe get lost in your own thoughts while mindlessly scrolling through your social medias.  A soft sigh and relief left you as Tsu suggested that they go back home as it was getting pretty late. You, Uraraka, and Mina nodded in agreement then headed for the UA dorms. On the way there you yet again got lost in your own thoughts as the three girls stopped bothering to try and include you into the conversation. Not in a rude way, they could just tell after a while you weren't really up to the task of participating in any conversation. That didn't stop them from asking if you where okay every once in a while. After stepping into the dorms you all went your separate ways. You headed straight for your bedroom after passing out the snacks you had gotten for your friends, these friends being Midoriya, yaomomo, and Kaminari. Your eyes took in the details your familiar dorm room as you closed the door behind you and set your shopping bags by the door. As promised by yourself you collected your pajamas of choice and changed into them before hopping into bed and cuddling into your warm blankets with a gentle content sigh. You sat up and took your phone from your bedside table, then laid back down and continued to scroll through Instagram. Seeing model after model made you feel a little uneasy, almost self conscious. Well 'almost' it did make you feel self conscious, then seeing all of your beautiful friends pictures. Even Bakugos looked awesome. You felt inferior, like maybe you didnt deserve to be friends with such beautiful and talented people. Each and every one of them had something it didnt matter if it was brains or strength but they all had something. and what did you have? You didnt know. In your eyes everything that's happened to you so far was pure luck.  You felt tears begin to well up in your eyes as you questioned your own self worth. This wasn't the first time you would lay in your bed and sob, questioning what you did to deserve all of the things that you've been blessed with. There were people out there with no homes, no family, no food and here you where living in a fancy dorm, trying to become a hero and graduate from UA. What did you do to deserve anything you had? why not someone who really really needed it. You didn't see how hard you worked to get where you are, you didn't acknowledge that you worked just as hard as anyone else in Class 1-A. It was easy for someone like Midoriya to recognize, he worked his ass off to control his quirk and get into UA. He always admired your problem solving ability and your quirk. Oh man did he love your quirk, hes made multiple pages of notes on your quirk alone, not even counting your hero suits awesomeness. However, he hated that you brushed off all of your accomplishments as someone else's doing, or gave the credit to luck. Some days all he wanted to do was hug you and tell you every amazing detail about yourself. He wishes he could be as cool as you, really he does. It took him a long time to realize that he didn't just admire you, he had fallen in love with you. He was constantly trying to up his game to impress you and cherished the moments where you praised him no matter how often it was. he truly just wanted to be somebody to you. Midoriya had informed Ida of his feelings for you then proceeded to ask for advice, like Ida knew anything about relationships. Midoriya didn't know about your self esteem issues and you'd rather he didn't as not to worry him, but as you laid on your bed, sobbing and hating yourself for being so weak and crying you couldn't think of anyone better to consult. So you picked your phone up again and scrolled through your contacts, rubbing your now puffy and red eyes as you clicked the call button under his name "Broccoli🥦💚" "Hello?" the corner of your lips tugged into a small smile as you heard his sweet voice. then you cleared your throat before speaking. your voice was a bit hoarse from crying. "U-Uh, hi Izu" You could hear his smile as he greeted you. "Hey Y/N!" he greeted, almost as if he hadn’t read the contact name before picking up the phone "Whats up?" "Are you in your room right now?" It felt a bit awkward to ask and to him it seemed like a slightly odd question to ask but nevertheless he answered. "Uh Yeah, why whats up?" You silently thanked whatever god was out there that he didn't notice your voice sounded as messed up as it did. "uh nothing, I just- Uh can i come over?" He nodded even though you couldn't see him then gave you the okay to come over. You hung up after telling him you'll be over in 5 and slid off your bed, slipping on your slippers before making your way towards your bedroom door. Izuku was panicking a little. Had he done something wrong? you two hadn't really spoken that day so he didn't think that was the case necessarily. Maybe Ida told you about him liking you. Multiple scenes of him telling you of Dekus crush and you looking disgusted after played in his head. Dammit Ida he cursed mentally, not really knowing if Ida had told you or not. He practically jumped out of his own skin when he heard a knock at his door, already knowing it was you he strode over and opened it. Expecting to find you smiling as always however, his "Hey!" got cut short and his grin fell when his brilliant green orbs landed on your damp cheeks and your red and puffy eyes. All fear of you knowing about his crush on you left him, it was replaced with worry and it was clear as day on his face. Upon seeing him, the one that picked you up when you fell down, your first friend at UA, the one that made your cheeks heat up and your stomach to do back flips tears began to stream down your cheeks again. You fell into his arms and without hesitation he embraced you tightly, gently shushing you and running his fingers through your hair in an attempt to calm you down. You let out a gentle hiccup as he hooked his arm under the back of your knees and carried you further into his room after gently closing the door with his foot. Placing you on the edge of his bed and sitting next to you his hand rubbed your back up and down as he gently took you into his embrace again. You loved this man, you really really loved him and it wan't until you were burying your face into his shoulder that you realized it. After your sobs died down and your breathing became normal he gingerly pulled away from you before giving you a soft smile and gently brushing a few strands of hair from your face, still rubbing your back at a gentle pace before eventually stopping and resting on your lower back. "Do you wanna tell me whats wrong now?" He let out in a whisper his eyes never leaving yours. "I-I just-" you where cut off by your own sniffle "I don't know what i did to deserve any of this. I don't deserve to be at UA, hell i don't even deserve my quirk." your voice was small, barely a mumble but he was still able to hear it. That doesn't mean he wanted to hear you talk down on yourself, he couldn't believe what he was hearing really. your eyes left his and landed on your lap as you let out your feelings "I dont-...I dont deserve you" "I can't believe you" Midoriya sounded genuinely upset, your eyes found his again only to be met with a disappointed expression. It wasn't at all what you where expecting but...maybe you deserved it.   "How could you say you don't deserve being here when you're one of the most hard working people i've ever met?" Your eyes widened a little, you where going to say how even Mineta works harder then you do but he cut you off before you could "You're absolutely amazing Y/N, having you as a classmate hell even having you as a friend is inspiring. The advice you give to others is amazing, your quirk is awesome, your hero suit is the best one i've ever seen, you could get us out of any situation and-" He was cut off by a pair of soft lips against his. His eyes were saucers and he was stunned, looking at you like a deer in the headlights when you pulled away. Worry settled in your stomach upon seeing his reaction. "I-Im sorry, I shouldn't have done that i just couldn't stop mys-mmph" Now it was his turn to cut you off, with his lips of course. Your eyes where wide for a moment before they gently fluttered closed and you kissed him back. He let out a pleased hum before pulling away to your dismay. The two of you stared at each other for a moment, admiring each others features. His freckle dotted cheeks where now dusted with crimson and so where yours. "I-I didnt know you..." he let out, trailing off at the end of his sentence, you nodded shyly "Y-Yeah I just didnt realize it until a little bit ago." you gave him a sheepish grin as he let out a soft chuckle and nodded. "Yeah i didnt realize it either." then his features became serious and you noticed it, waiting for him to say whatever he was going to say "Seriously, you're amazing. I hate seeing you like this, it breaks my heart" his words left his lips in a mumble as he brought his hand up to caress your cheek. "I know i can't just tell you to stop feeling this way because that's not how feelings work but...I will do my absolute best to help you" he didn't say it out loud, but he was promising this to you. You smiled and nodded, moving to bury your face into his shoulder. He hugged you as he placed his chin on your shoulder, taking in your sweet sent before smiling at the words you let out. "Thank you Izu” 

[no-te-lo-voy-a-dar]

Sibling Jealousy - Chapter 5

Fic’s Summary: Reader has known the Winchesters for a long time, almost two years before Cas entered their lives. After that, since Reader was the only one actually teaching the angel about humanity customs and stuff like that, properly, they developed a closer relationship, on the parent-kid way. But it was never verbally acknowledged. Now, with Lucifer’s child on the way, life stabs some sense and realizations onto Reader, but there’s no time for feelings in this house.

Author’s Note: This is mainly a fic with the purpose of developing a family relationship with the characters, of mutual support, and I don’t plan on adding romance for Reader, because that’s not my final goal.

Pairings: Castiel/Reader (Platonic), Jack Kline/Reader (Platonic), Dean and Sam Winchester/Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Usual canon violence and conflicts, as well as injuries and blood mentions, emotional struggles such as feeling unloved, like an outcast, low self-esteem issues and if you think something else should be mentioned let me know.

<<Last Chapter - Next Chapter>>

Chapter’s Author’s Note: Yes so, a long time has passed, and well, I still am halfway through the next chapter, and I’m still kind of stuck on the same episode from season 13...not having a supportive team for school work sucks u all, don’t be like that. Hope you enjoy this, and remember, comments are highly appreciated, and if you see a typo let me know, it helps me improve ^^

Chapter Five: Therapy and Emptiness

Word Count: 3,170

It’s been almost a week since the discussion on the map room took place, and Dean had been really silent the whole time, while Sam had made small talk to you and Jack, borrowing him a computer he didn’t use all the time.

Jack was spending most of his days on his bedroom, the first two with you teaching him to make his bed, how to work the computer and a few lessons on how to heal people when you bumped against some equipment on the makeshift gym, where you were spending up to three hours divided along the days, a coping mechanism that allowed you to let steam and anger out and left your body tired enough to almost black out at night after touching your bed.

So far he’s been able of healing (yet not every time) from paper cuts to small scraps you had made on your hands while sharpening swords, blades and knives with a sharpening rock - because you also found the process soothing and kind of relaxing, but your mind still wandered making you lost focus, ending on said cuts.

Yet, you told Jack to not tell Sam and Dean about the healing, and when he asked why you were going to lie, you told him the truth...mainly because he still didn’t have a concept of morals good enough to just know why.

“If we tell them you are able of healing injuries, they are not even gonna listen to the fact they are small ones, much less to how exhausted it makes you. They are probably going to expect you to heal their deep cuts, and claw marks and everything they get from hunts. And one, you are not ready yet, second they haven’t earned a right to be healed by you after all what they’ve made you gone through. Maybe Sam, but he’s on thin ice.”

“Ice? But, the floor here is not thin, is it?” Ah, another thing you’ve been up to has been teaching Jack the meaning of some words and expressions, like right there.

---

The moment Sam told you to get ready because you were going hunting, you immediately asked who was going to stay with Jack.

“No one. He’s coming with us.” He seemed unbothered by his idea, proud even.

“Come again? Jack is going with us to a hunt? Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“He could use some fresh air, and being coped up in here is not going to help him (Y/N). We all need to go out a little.” He almost sounded like he was both asking for permission and just announcing the facts…

“Have you talked to Jack already? What does he thinks about this? Does he wants to tag along?” Even if his answer was a yes, you would be having a talk with Sam to tell him how not just because Jack looked old enough to be on hunt meant he was mentally prepared to be on them.

“Yes, I went to him after talking Dean into letting him come along. And he wants to be good, and with hunting we save people.” He shrugged as if it was the most normal and obvious thing.

“Fine. But we have to make sure Dean doesn’t throw him into the fire line.” You rolled your eyes at the idea, but you were also frowning, so Sam just gave you a grateful smile before going out of your room and telling you how you were leaving in 30 minutes.

You still were going to have to talk to Jack after this, letting him know how things could go wrong. Just, warn the kid.

---

As usual you were riding on the back of Baby, but Jack was with you this time. You weren’t surprised he wasn’t in a suit, since he barely had clothes (Dean didn’t allow you to take him into town just to get some for him, so you had to go out and get a few things in hopes they would fit and he would like them), but when Dean slammed the car’s door closed you flinched. You could almost touch his despise for Jack.

The first lady’s information didn’t really help, and after finding out Jack had gotten out of the car, you quickly went to close it before getting inside the crime scene, where they were staring at a blood stain, and talking about going to the grave of the wife to salt and burn what seemed to be a ghost issue, or a revenant.

You weren’t so sure it was either of those options, and you told them that, but you were ignored. Well, Jack did pay attention, but he didn’t know a lot about monsters so he couldn’t back you up or give his own opinion...not like Dean would let him anyway.

As night fell, you went to the graveyard, and took the shovels out of the Impala’s truck.

After explaining to Jack why seeing the inside of the grave was of relevance in this case, Dean put him to dig, and went to grab a beer from the car.

Sam went after him, telling him how he was transforming into their dad. You shivered at the memories of John, for both your experiences with him and the stuff the brothers told you about...mainly Sam, but you could see the aftermath of said stuff on Dean almost every day.

You decided to keep Jack company and actually help him, since neither of the brothers seemed like they were going to help after screaming at each other.

---

Well, the grave did had a body, which left the two main options to just a vengeful spirit.

Sam helped Jack out of the hole and Dean helped you after he saw you were kind of struggling. The soil wasn’t as compacted as you might think okay? I kept crumbling beneath you.

“My mom could be a ghost?” You weren’t sure if what you heard on Jack’s voice was fear or hope.

“No, we burned the bodies. And what burns, stays dead.” At least Dean was kind of talking to Jack…

A quick glance at the green eyed brother told you he meant Castiel. You burned Castiel’s body. And that was his way of accepting Cas wasn’t coming back.

You had to swallow the lump on your throat, and went back to look at the flames consuming the body inside the giant hole.

---

Turns out, it wasn’t a ghost nor a revenant, as you suspected.

Another person ended up dead, and you had to go to the police station to get more information, finding out all the victims had the same therapist, and deciding that giving her a visit had to be the next step.

The only issue was, how to see her and get to talk to her and see if you could gather more information, more clues about the case and what you were up against.

The solution? Going in as a family and pretend you wanted the family group program.

What could go wrong, right? Right.

Everything could go bad.

First, Jack almost blew your cover at saying he had lost his mom when you all were asked who you’ve lost, issue Sam fixed by saying you all where siblings. Then, after said incident, Dean ordered Jack to not speak unless he told him to, at which you pushed Dean off of Jack.

Inside the room, Sam and Dean took the couch closer to the therapist, while you and Jack took the one across them, yet slightly more afar from Mia, and you could feel how rigid Jack was, and you weren’t even sure if he was paying attention to what was being told on the room.

...But maybe that was for the best.

The therapist quickly wanted to address how Dean handled things, and without warning, Sam and Dean started almost shouting at each other, about how Sam didn’t want to accept Mary was dead, and then about how Dean at least had a relationship with her and how Sam just wanted to hold onto the hope of having the same if Mary was alive.

Welp, that went great.

Sam stormed out of the living room like place, closing the doors behind him, leaving a very awkward silence behind him, which was quickly filled by Dean drinking from his whiskey wine pot bottle, earning a glance and scoff from Mia.

“What? Got a problem?” Please don’t anger her, please don’t anger her...

She first scolded him about his anger issues, and how it wasn’t her business if he wanted to fix that up or not, but she told him about how he directed his anger at everyone around him.

“Jack? The poor kid can even look at you. Look at him he’s terrified of you.” You glanced at him, and saw how indeed he tensed even more at being mentioned in the conversation yet not asked anything directly.

“And (Y/N)? I can see you probably boss them around, if you even acknowledge them to begin with. They don’t feel comfortable here with you, yet stands you because of...I’m going to guess because of Sam and Jack.” Ok, what?

You sent her a confused and undignified look, because well yes, you were bossed around, and got along better with Sam, and now that Jack had joined you did felt like drifting more apart from Dean but you...well, Dean didn’t really spent time with you before if Cas wasn’t around, or if you weren’t watching a movie, because that didn’t involve a lot of talking.

...You didn’t like to think about not really fitting with the Winchesters the latest years and now this woman has brought up all of your doubts to the surface again. Thanks.

“Jack? Pff, we are just peachy, right kid?” Dean’s voice did scare you, like he would snap at any moment.

“Just peachy.” Jack’s reply was a copy of what Dean said and sounded almost robotic.

“And (Y/N) is just fine, if they didn’t like us they would have run away a long time ago. Sam sure did for a while.” Dean didn’t even look at you, at neither of you, and took another swing of the alcohol.

Actually you’ve wanted to leave the brothers since a while ago and go with Cas, but since he always went back to them, to Dean, it wasn’t really an option. And even after all these years you really thought you’ll end up being part of their family again. After all, before Sam left for college you felt like family.

The sound of doors slamming open cut your thoughts and sent you standing up and pulling Jack with you, instincts ticking in.

“Careful! She’s a shifter!!” Screamed Sam while pointing a gun at Mia.

Now you put Jack behind both Sam and you, taking your own gun out. That one didn’t have silver bullets, but they would slow her down enough for you to pull your silver knife from your belt.

Turns out a creature read you all so easily. Well, that couldn’t be good.

---

After deciding Mia might be telling the truth about wanting to help people, Dean and Jack went to check if it was true she was somewhere else when the first murder took place, while you and Sam stayed behind, checking the footage to see the eyes of everyone who came in and out.

You didn’t really wanted to leave Jack with Dean, but Sam reassured you it was fine.

Since your computer was slower than Sam’s, you decided to go get some water and stretch your legs, and when you came back Sam was gone, Mia informing you that Buddy, her ex, was acting as one of her patiences and Sam went to the address in hopes of finding him and killing the shifter.

Great, he left without a word.

Your face must have shown your hurt, because the therapist answered your unspoken question.

“He told me to let you know he was gonna be fine, and needed you here for whenever your brothers were back...but, the four of you...you are not really siblings, are you?” You let a dry chuckle leave your mouth.

“Nah, just Dean and Sam. Neither Jack nor I are blood related. Dean and Sam, we used to be closer before, as if we were actual family, but, at some point, a distance started forming, and even when it gets slim at moments between one of them and me, there’s always this, feeling, of how if they had to choose they would save each other, leaving me to perish.” It had happened before, that one time they left you in a vampire’s nest. They proclaimed they didn’t know you were held hostage, but Sam was there with you before you were taken.

Talk about trust issues. Castiel was the only one who made sure the three of you were safe and healthy most of the time, taking special attention to you.

“You lost someone too. If their mother isn’t yours, then who did you lose?” When you blinked, you saw how your vision got blurry with unshed tears.

“Uh, a friend of them? Us? He’s older than me, and, well, might as well say it out loud now. I saw him as a father figure. Castiel, he uh, sacrificed himself to save us all, including Jack, and I did get to say bye, but not like I wanted. And I haven’t been able of mourning him, we haven’t had time to rest since…” You stopped talking as soon as you hard the Impala engine outside, and went to wash your face.

You heard Dean being told by Mia about Sam going out, but you didn’t heard Jack requesting Mia to have a chat.

When you got out of the bathroom, you heard shushed voices from behind a door. Recognizing Jack’s you walk closer, and hear him talking to...Kelly? But, she was dead and...oh.

Mia took Jack’s mom form and he was not talking with her. At least what Mia was telling him was good, actual advice and good words.

You left a sigh of relief out, realizing how bad Jack’s been doing, and well, at least he was getting help.

You started to get up, after you heard Jack thanking Mia, but you were soon yeeted threw against and through the door, crashing against a lamp and a small table, and finally landing hard against the floor, bleeding cuts covering your left arm.

When you lifted your head, you saw Dean knocking Jack out, and then he came to do the same to you.

---

You woke up at the sound of Jack screaming, your blurry vision seeing Buddy flying by that energy Jack created, and Sam on the room’s door.

You were just starting to notice your hands were tied when everything was already over: Mia refused to kill you, Sam had shoot Buddy, the room was all bloody and destroyed and you saw Jack was not very conscious.

After being released, you stepped as far from Dean as you could without looking like a scared, kicked street dog, and went to check on Jack, who was already getting better.

Mia insisted on the four of you to get out, that she would take care of everything (meaning the body and the room), but Sam and you weren’t so sure. It was Dean the one convincing you to leave, and the first one to walk out of the room, Sam following close behind but stopping when he didn’t heard steps behind him.

You saw Mia talking to Jack, and the later giving her a hug. Unconsciously, you hugged yourself, trying to find some comfort. Jack looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, meaning the conversation he had with Mia-Kelly did worked.

You were just left feeling emptier than before.

After Jack let her go, he went to walk past you, standing besides Sam.

You looked at Mia, who had a raised eyebrow, making you realize you were still hugging yourself.

“I’m just a little cold, the blood loose dropped my temperature a little.” You made a dismissive gesture with your hand, but you could see you weren’t fooling her. Maybe she was prepared to be a therapist after all.

“Talk to them, you are not alone.” You barely heard her, and nodded to let her know you did.

As if that was easy.

---

When you got back to the Bunker, you went straight to the sink on the kitchen to clean your arm again, since it was closer than the bathroom.

You were redoing the bandages when Jack came in to get a glass of water, but as soon as he got in, Dean came in too. The tension on the air raised tenfold immediately.

Jack and Dean exchanged little ‘hey’s, but neither was looking at each other.

“Listen kid, you saved Sam back there, I’m grateful...you did good back there, okay? Good job.” You saw the exchange, and noticed how Dean was really trying to look ad Jack, and the almost newborn Nephilim gave him a little smile, nodding.

You now knew the one knocking Jack and yourself out was the shifter, but it triggered the fear you had against Dean from his demon and Mark of Cain days, so when he walked past you, patting your shoulder, you couldn’t help but flinch.

Dean noticed, but didn’t say anything, just murmured a soft ‘sorry’ before leaving the kitchen, probably to find Sam.

Jack, on the other side, went to sit in front of you, and asked with a calm and quiet voice tone.

“Uh, (Y/N)? Are you alright? Does your shoulder hurts?” he was really concerned for you, so maybe you should be honest. After all, he still needs to learn about lies and you didn’t want to be the one teaching him that.

“My shoulder is a little sore, but that’s not why I flinched. Part of my mind thinks Dean will throw or hit me again. I know a few hours ago it was the shifter the one that knocked us up, but my instincts haven’t caught up with that yet.” Okay, you weren’t lying, just leaving certain info out. He didn’t need to know that. Not yet anyway.

He hummed and nodded, understanding what you meant, stood up to pick another glass and filled it with water. You were about to tell him he could use the same glass when he offered it to you.

“Drinking water is vital after losing blood, right?” 

“Water is important in general, but yes. Thank you, Jack.” You washed both glasses after finishing yours and then called for Jack.

“Let’s use the fact I’m already covered in cuts to keep practicing your healing skills, shall we?” the kid glowed at the idea of practicing not hurting people, and catch up with you on the alley.

Maybe not thinking about Cas, but focusing on good things might help you…

.

.

Sibling’s Tag List:

@carryon-doctor-lock @theferretkids @sapphysaph(idk why i can’t tag u m8) @hazelle-uvu @tiggytaylor​ @a-door-into-my-mind @crazy-obssesed-fangirl @ladymarvelite

(If you wanna be added, please say so in the comment’s section of THIS post)

[gilbirda]

Just realized I didn’t finish porting this to tumblr lol

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Chapter 4: Secrets

She looked back up to him, her eyes watery as if she were about to cry but holding it behind an angry scowl. “He didn’t love me, and I see it now, because back then he only wanted me for what I had more than for who I was. He just wanted me to be a pretty face attached to his fucktoy.”

Bog gulped. This was bad. Worse than bad. Marianne must have been fifteen when all of this happened. She was a just child!

“But it didn’t stop there,” she kept talking, the first tears going down her cheeks, but he didn’t make any comment about it. “People started talking and spreading more and more rumours about what really happened between us. They said that I was incapable of satisfying any man, that I was a frigid, frozen Empress. Everything you can think of, they said about me.”

“But you were fifteen! How could they expect you to do that?” Marianne snorted, unamused.

“You tell me! Every girl in school was more than ready to drop her panties for him, I was the defective one!” her voice broke. The girl rubbed her eyes with her long sleeved black t-shirt, trying to stop the stream of tears going down her face. “You’ll have to excuse me, I’m not usually a crier. That’s my sister’s job.”

“Don’t worry,” Bog thought about putting a hand on her shoulder, but he talked himself out of doing it. Maybe it would do worse than good in that moment.

“I had to…,” she continued, “I had to endure this, you know? My sister only knows what everyone else does, and she can’t know the truth.”

“Why not? Why didn’t you tell an adult then? Or the Director?”

“You don’t understand. Roland is the big promise, the poster child of this school. No one would believe me,” she sniffed, the tears finally stopping as she looked at him in the eyes. “And the Director is my father. He adores Roland like the son he never had.”

Bog blinked once, twice. The plot thickens, he thought.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, “for having to suffer that alone.”

“I guess so. But at least now someone knows,” she smiled softly and then sighed again. “I’m a mess.” Marianne looked down to the smudges of makeup on her sleeves.

“Nah, it’s just paint. Here,” he offered her a handkerchief to clean her face.

“I’m sorry,” the girl murmured, her voice muffled by the cloth, “I’m ruining your stuff.”

“Don’t worry about it. I have tons. My mother usually gives me those for Christmas.” He breathed when she finally smiled, feeling a weird clench on his heart.

They settled into a comfortable silence as the sun started to set somewhere on the horizon, the light coming through the windows going more orange by the minute. Marianne finished cleaning her face of the make-up but didn’t immediately give back the handkerchief to its proper owner. As she thought of cleaning it on her house and return it the next day, she dwelled on the fact that she had just told her deepest secrets to a person she barely knew; a secret that she didn’t dare to tell anyone. Maybe that’s why she felt comfortable sharing her suffering - he was a complete stranger to the situation, after all. He didn’t know Roland so he didn’t idolize him, and he didn’t know her before the whole incident so he wasn’t taken aback by the sudden transformation of her personality. She felt like she could be herself around this not-quite-stranger-anymore.

“The worst part is,” she continued after clearing her throat, her eyes looking down to the piece of cloth on her hands, “I really liked him. He was so good looking, you know?” Marianne let out a dry laugh. “How stupid of me.”

“You were young. Don’t beat yourself up because of that,” the teenager looked up to the man still standing a few steps in front of her, the fading light of the sun bouncing on his angular face making shadows that made difficult the task of reading his expression. For a moment she thought that he sounded a bit sad.

“Not that young,” she sighed in defeat.

Another moment of silence fell on the Library, but this time there was a certain kind of tension radiating from Bog. She knew that there was something that he wanted to say and wondered what it would be about. He had tried to comfort her, but what was his real opinion about this? Was he going to treat her differently from now on? She hoped that he didn’t.

“It’s getting late,” he finally said, but something told her that it wasn’t what he had in mind. Marianne blinked as she realized that the light was almost completely gone and she couldn’t see what was in front of her.

“Yeah, I should be going home or Dawn is going to get worried.”

“I could give you a ride home,” Bog offered quickly, and if she could see his face she knew he would be slightly blushing. He wasn’t the type to initiate a socializing situation. “If you want to.” He added like in an afterthought.

“That… that would be great. Thanks.”

They both managed their way out of the Library and the forgotten books to be catalogued tomorrow. She waited in silence as he closed the door with his keys and followed him into the parking in equal silence. He still looked like he was thinking about something serious, and she could almost see the thoughts going back and forth behind his blue eyes framed by his small glasses. Curiosity burned the tip of her tongue, but she knew she was in no place to demand anything. She had opened her soul today but that didn’t mean that he had to do the same and share every thought and secret with her.

It was indeed a childish thought, so she did her best to shove it way back into her mind and focus on her reflection on the car window as she waited for him to unlock the car doors. Man, her face was a puffy red mess. She didn’t know how she was going to hide this from Dawn once she got home.

“Where to?” Bog asked once she seated beside him on shotgun and had fastened her seatbelt.

“It’s not far from here. Take me to Willow’s Park and I can walk.”

“I’m not going to make you walk alone at night,” he frowned without looking at her.

“Well…,” Marianne tried not to dwell on that fact that he wouldn’t look at her, “if you insist…”

She told him her address and he finally started the car, leaving the almost empty parking behind.

The ride wasn’t as quiet as the Library was, the soft murmur of the car engine and low music coming from the old stereo filling in for the conversation that wasn’t happening. Bog still looked like he wanted to tell her something, but so far no luck. She sighed when the familiar buildings of her street surrounded them.

“I…,” his voice startled her. Bog turned his eyes in her direction (finally!) and then looked back to the road even if they were going so slow that a man walking his dog was faster than them. “I…”

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, Bog,” Marianne dropped her nickname. “Really.”

He sighed.

“I know. But still you deserve a bit of sincerity. I guess?” it was almost cute seeing a grown man as nervous as Dawn the day of the Spring Ball.

“I appreciate the thought,” the car stopped in front of her house and the librarian killed the engine before leaning back on his seat and sighing deeply.

“I want to tell you before you find out by other people,” she smirked when he gave her an apologetic smile. Marianne shuffled on her seat and turned her body in his direction, silently telling him that she was listening. “I was told that I was too hideous to love. By a girl I loved. On my last year of high school.”

Marianne blinked in surprise at the, well, normal secret. She didn’t know what she was expecting but it wasn’t definitely this. A heartbreak? She could deal with that. But it was clear that this went further than that for him.

“What?” she deadpanned. “Tell me you didn’t believe her.”

“Well…. She didn’t actually had to say the words. I kind of understood it by the context.” he started to fidget with his fingers, not really looking at her.

Marianne snorted.

“Then maybe you should have stayed to hear what she really wanted to say. You are not hideous, Bog.”

It was his time to snort.

“Tell that to my “dear” classmates back in high school,” he grumbled and fixed his eyes in some point outside of the car. Marianne sighed. This was just the tip of the iceberg, she was sure of it. This man oozed low self-esteem and image issues. But she couldn’t do more than hear him when he needed someone to talk to.

“Teenagers are cruel and stupid and full of crap. Believe me, I’m one of those,” she put her left hand on his right one, which was now clenched in a fist on his leg. “Don’t believe any word they say because they usually are driven by a strong need to belong, like sheeps in a herd. If someone decided to target you, everyone would follow even if they don’t agree with it.”

“Suddenly I feel like you are the adult in this car,” Bog snickered.

“Nah, I just had to suffer herd mentality the last few years. Rationalizing it helps me when I don’t want to go to school.”

“Aren’t you a brave little thing?” he smiled when she blushed at his comment.

“I’m not going to comfort you anymore, idiot,” she huffed and looked elsewhere, provoking a laugh on the man by her side. She finally caved in and joined him in the laughing, the mood between them finally easing into something more of the usual.

A car honking brought them out of their little bubble, making them realize that she should really go home and he should move the car before someone called the police for blocking the road. At this hour there weren’t many cars but better safe than sorry.

It was then when both realized that Marianne still had one hand on him. The girl blinked and withdrew it so fast that it became a blur, her heart going at full speed. She hoped that he wouldn’t think anything bad about her, like she was some kind of creep. Marianne didn’t risk it and turned to open the door as fast as she could, blurting out a goodbye and a thanks before rushing to the door of her house, disappearing behind it when she managed to open it.

If she had turned and looked inside the car she would have seen a blushing Bog looking at his right hand, his bony cheeks painted a soft shade of pink.

***

That night, sleep evaded the librarian. He kept thinking back to the events of the day, from discovering the general opinion of the girl he was working with, to the impromptu heart to heart and the way that they easily swung back into their happy routine.

Bog couldn’t believe that he had told Marianne about what happened so many years ago. He hadn’t told anyone, not even his mother. But with Marianne, trusting her and confiding in her came easily. She was that kind of person, he guessed, people that radiated charisma and were reliable and capable of guarding a secret.

He wondered how she was like before all the stuff that happened to her. She didn’t seem to like her old self much and by what other teachers told him, she was a completely different person back then. Bog was sure that a experience like that changed anyone, no matter how strong you were.

He turned in his bed, restless as his thoughts went to darker places. He couldn’t imagine what she would have felt like when she discovered that the person she loved only wanted her body, and openly went to other women in places where people could see them. And then have all the whole school ganging up on her on a daily basis.

He scoffed. Marianne was right, teenagers were mindless sheep fighting for approval, eager to agree with the general opinion no matter how absurd it was. He was bullied for being too ugly, Marianne for being too pretty. Because they couldn’t pick on her appearance they made up stories about her, but that was the only difference to his situation.

None of them deserved her, he was sure of that. She was so brave and strong, capable of enduring all the rumours and the sideway glances with determination; she was passionate about the things she loved, like her sister and her music, and she was not scared to admit it out loud; she didn’t hesitate to make her opinion known even if it made anyone angry with her.

Bog looked once again at his hand, feeling the ghost of her touch where her fingers laid against his skin. Marianne didn’t hesitate today when she touched him or when she told him that it was stupid to think that he was too hideous to love. Even if it was a white lie, her golden eyes shone with the usual determination and stubbornness that drove her, and he appreciated it.

But still, he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve her.

[dalilaswork]

HELLDREAMERS Pt. I || Connor x Reader

Author: Dalila Ship: Connor Murphy x Reader Word count: 3.271 Trigger Warnings: destuctive thought, mentions of self harm, half-attempted suicide, low self-esteem, anger management problems, shitty writing.

YOU

So, first day of school, huh? Senior year... Yeah, that really sucks. Especially after moving in from a whole another town. But it happens. You just got to deal with it. Like you deal with every other shit that happens in your life.

I picked out the jeans and the t-shirt I left at the chair the day before and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

God, I looked so ugly.

I couldn't help but see how my nose was too big, how my eyes were too small, how uneven my skin colour was. Those were minorities that most people just ignored, but I saw them everytime I looked at myself . And no matter how many compliments I heard, it just wouldn't go away.

I got dressed and looked at my reflection once more: something was missing. Sure - a hoodie. No one needs to see my scars. At least not yet.

Downstairs, my mother was already filling up some papers, I could hear that. But before I went down I looked out the window: luckily my brother's car wasn't there. It was safe.

Malcolm wasn't just a regular annoying older brother. He was a drug addict with serious mental issues. My parents tried their best to help him, but Malcolm could never admit something was wrong with him. From his point of view, we were the psychos.

After grabbing the bag, I ran down the stairs and quickly got to the door. I wanted to escape, but my mother wouldn't just let me go. She looked up from the documents just as you I began to tie my shoelaces.

"Why are you leaving without breakfast? You should eat something."

You should eat more, you're unhealthy. You should eat less, you're gaining weight.

"I'm not hungry yet. I'll grab something before classes start." I said quickly before running out the door, so my mother wouldn't drag me into a much worse conversation.

Quickly I searched the pockets of my jeans for the earbuds. I needed to numb myself . After picking my favourite song to play, I began looking around the new neighbourhood.

Almost all houses looked the same; same neat lawns, same driveways, same roofs. I was sick of it. I missed my old house, far from the noises of the town, with a forest nearby. It was my home.

I finally reached the school. Nothing too worrying. From the outside everything looks normal. It's the inside that hides the horrors.

After settling the usual stuff like a small tour and a visit to the headmaster's office, I was left alone in the corridor. However, I didn't get to enjoy the loneliness for long, as someone pulled at my sleeve. I turned around to see a smiling girl with a book in her hand and glasses on her nose.

"Hi, I'm Alana. Are you new here? I don't think I've seen you before." she smiled even wider. For some reason I found the smile simply fake. After all, who in their right minds just goes up to a new kid with a smile so wide?

"Do you know every kid around that you're so surprised? It's a big school." I lifted an eyebrow at her, wondering how she might react.

Her smile got thinner at my words, she must have not expected that. "I-I mean, I try to remember everyone, and I really d-didn't see you here before, so..." she began rushing the words.

"Nice," I cut her short. "I rarely remember faces." I didn't really feel like talking to her. She did seem like that kid, who wanted to be friendly towards everyone everytime. "See ya." I hated that sort of people.

"Wait, I didn't catch your name," stubborn, I thought.

"(Y/N)"

"Will I see you at lunch?" she asked, going back to that unsettling smile.

"Dunno, maybe." I quickly turned my back and headed forward. I had no idea which direction I was going for, I just wanted to get rid of that Alana girl.

I hated people who were always so nice to everyone. Mostly because, from my previous experience, it always turns out to be just an act. A facade created to look cool. Not once had I heard that someone was there for me if I wanted to talk, but when I really wanted to talk, they'd always be busy. But I got used to it.

I got used to a lot of things.

I looked down at the schedule I was holding. Of course, trying to get away from Alana I ended up going in the wrong direction. Luckily, the school was planned quite easily, so I had no problem knowing which way to go.

I just needed to go through a small corridor to get to the other building. The corridor was significantly smaller, actually. I could only see one person there. A tall boy with shoulder-length brown hair. I walked past him, but I stopped when I heard someone speak.

"Hey, Connor. I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

I turned around to see that another kid walked in. So the tall one was Connor. School shooter, maybe they were friends. Friends sometimes have weird sense of humour with each other.

All I could see was Connor's back and the other guy's face. He had short, light brown hair and glasses. From his expression I could tell that they weren't friends. He was just being an asshole.

"I was kididng, it was a joke." he said, rolling his eyes. Yet another type of person I couldn't stand. I immediately recalled how people at my old school used to laugh that way at me.

"Yeah," Connor's voice seemed so... Emotionless. "No, it was funny. I'm..."

"Your jokes are even worse than your style." I stepped towards the kid. For a moment standing beside Connor.

"What's your problem?" the kid stepped back. For me it was an encouragement to go further.

"You. You're my fucking problem. You think you're funny? My dead grandmother was funnier at her funeral!" I told him as I kept walking towards him. The kid must have got scared a little, because he raised his hands in defeat.

"Jeeez, calm your tits, dude. " he said and walked off. Only now I noticed there was another guy, with a cast on his left arm. Just when I laid my eyes on him, he followed the jerk out of the corridor.

"Sorry for that. I get a little carried away when I hear douchebags like that." I said as I turned back to Connor. He was pale, and I think his eyes were slightly red. "So... I guess you're Connor, right?" I looked up at him and tried to smile.

He narrowed his eyes at me and took a step back. "Why would you care?" as I looked at him; he somehow resembled of a cornered bunny.

"I don't know," I didn't want to push him. "I don't like jerks. You don't seem like one." I shrugged and looked down at my watch. I was short on time. Well, I could easily blame it on getting lost. "I'm (Y/N)... if you care." I said and moved past him to find my class. First English. Then Art. Then Math. We'll see how it goes.

...

It was weird.

Either I was brilliant at math, or this whole school was so backwards. During the lesson I got a little carried away with my thoughts, and instead of listening to the teacher I just began drawing doodles in my notebook.

"(Y/N) (L/N)..."

"Yes?" I got my head up as I heard my name.

The teacher must have noticed that I didn't pay any attention. "I understand the struggles of being a new student, but that isn't an excuse. You should be paying attention."

You should pay attention, you should do this, you should do that, you should...

"Do you even have an idea what to do with this problem?" the teacher gestured to the blackboard and crossed his arms on his chest.

Luckily, I remembered that problem. My previous teacher was pretty strict, so the entire class was always ahead of the schedule. I told him how to solve it. He seemed pretty impressed.

I didn't pay much attention to it, though. I went back to my doodles, occasionally looking up at the teacher.

But it only got weirder as the doorbell rang.

"H-Hey" a kid walked up to me as I was gathering my stuff from the desk.

"Hey" I replied, looking up at him. I noticed the cast on his left arm. "What's up?" I asked, only now remembering that this kid was also in the corridor with the douche, Connor, and me.

"Well, I-I thought... I mean, I'm not that good at math..." he seemed anxious. He didn't even look at me as he spoke.

"I can help." I said quickly. I felt bad when he was stuttering like that. "When?"

"Oh, really?" his eyes opened widely. "What time... Uh, is Wednesday okay with you? If not, then..."

"Wednesday it is then." I smiled at him, wanting to reassure him. I wondered, was he always like this or was it because of the morning incident? "By the way, I'm (Y/N). And, uhm... I'm sorry I yelled at your friend. But he was being a jerk."

"I'm Evan. And Jared... He's not my friend... I mean, he's a family friend. It's different, apparently." We walked out of the classroom together. "Uhm, do you... Have a minute?" he asked, running a hand through his hair.

"I have, why?"

"I need to go to the computer lab for a second, but... Maybe we could eat lunch together?"

"Sure. I can go with you to the lab."

"Oh, but I-I meant the lunch, not the lab" he began stuttering again.

"I know. I just didn't want to sit there by myself." I lied. I would be totally fine with it. But to be honest, I felt a bit protective over Evan.

"Oh, OK." he only said and rushed to the computer lab. I followed slightly behind, picking at my (f/c) nail polish. His phone started ringing, so I got even more behind, to avoid eavesdropping. He seemed a bit upset. Once we were finally there, he began writing something on the computer and I sat on one of the chairs nearby . I took a moment to look closely at the kid.

As he sat on the chair, probably unaware of me looking at him, he looked pretty normal. Just another teenager with blue striped polo shirt and short honey blonde hair. He was quietly tapping on the keyboard. There was a bit of a contrast between that kid and the one who approached me after math. "What're writing?" I asked, looking down so he wouldn't know I was staring.

"Oh that's just a stupid, it's a paper I have to write for a, uhm, for an assignment..."

"For school?

"Actually, no... Ahm, my therapist... I don't know..."

"If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, it's fine." I told him. And then we fell into an uncomfortable silence, that was broken only by the sound of the printer from the other side of the room. I got up and headed towards the door. Evan didn't get up, though. He just sat there. I stopped, one foot in the lab, one already outside

"So." I turned around when I heard a familiar voice. "What happened to your arm?" Connor stood in front of Evan, nervously hiding his hand in his pocket. In his other hand he held a paper. Was he there all along?

Evan looked a little startled. "Oh, I uhm, I fell out of a tree actually."

"You fell out of a tree?" I saw how Connor smiled before letting out a chuckle. "That is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my God... " to my surprise, Evan also began to smile. He seemed a bit less scared. That was good. Connor shook his hand before moving closer to Evan.

"I know.." Evan chuckled as well, getting up from his chair.

"No one's signed your cast."

Evan's smile got thinner at the words. "No, I know." only now I noticed that the cast was indeed empty.

"I'll sign it. " I smiled at Connor's words. It was nice of him. I moved towards them, scanning through my bag.

"Me too. " I said before Evan could get any weak protest out of his mouth and handed Connor a sharpie. He looked at me in disbelief.

"I thought you left." Connor narrowed his eyes at me. He raised his hand to take the sharpie, but hesitated.

"Well, I didn't. " I smiled at him and tilted my head a little.

"You're like, a fucking phantom girl. " he shook his head and took the sharpie. Also, I think I may have seen a shadow of a smile playing on his lips. He signed Evan's cast first, then I took out another sharpie to do the same, but with smaller letters, slightly above the huge CONNOR.

"So, now we can all pretend we have friends, right?" Connor said, with this tired smile growing on his lips.

"Why pretend?" I asked, looking at the two boys in front of me. When I first saw Evan, I thought he was Jared's friend. Another douche. But he was just an anxious boy, in need of a friend. Just like me. And Connor...

Connor looked at me for a while. I had no idea why. Then he offered me a slight smile as he looked down. "Maybe... Uhm, I think it's yours? I... I heard you talking about the assignment, so I grabbed it for you." he awkwardly held the paper for Evan to get.

"Oh, uhm... Thanks..." Evan reached out and took the paper from Connor. His cheeks were blushing. Was he ashamed that Connor heard us?

"I hope it's not a habit of yours to eavesdrop on people." I joked and put the sharpie in my bag. I looked back up with a smile.

But Connor wasn't smiling. His face went pale, even more than before and I could see how his hands were shaking a little. "You think I wanted to hear that?" I think his breathing got a bit heavier. "What, you think I'm this kind of freak that goes around and spies on everyone?" his voice raised and I stepped back, slightly taken aback. "Is that what you think?!"

"N-No..." I stuttered as I saw him raging. It was just a joke, I didn't mean to hurt him in any way.

"Fuck you!" he yelled, throwing the sharpie my way and storming off. I didn't even have time to react, so the sharpie just bounced off my head. I simply stood there, bewildered. Evan looked at me and then at the door. He started picking at the hem of his shirt nervously.

"Is he always like this?" I asked, before finally realising something. I looked down at my watch. "God, my class starts now. " I didn't even notice the time passing as we sat in the lab. I took out an empty paper out of the printer and scribbled my name and phone number. "If you need anything, just call or text me. Bye, Evan!" I waved before running out of the lab. I checked the schedule. French. Just around the corner. Perfect.

But as I glanced to the window, I noticed a tall figure running towards the park. A familiar figure, with long hair. I wondered if I should go follow him...

No.

He clearly wanted to be alone.

And we weren't friends. Not really. I still didn't understand why he stormed off like that. Was it really because of what I said?

No, I wasn't rude. I was just trying to be friendly and make a joke. What was his problem?

Maybe there was something I didn't know...

"Hey Zoe, isn't that your brother running off to the park?" I heard someone say. I turned around to see who it was. A guy in some band's shirt and short black hair was talking to a brown haired girl. When it came to style, she couldn't be more different than Connor. But when I looked at her face I could find a few similarities.

Leave it (Y/N). It's not your problem. He's not even your friend. Why would you care?

Maybe because someone has to...

I came up to the girl. "Are you, uhm..." that was the second time today that I randomly walked up to someone just because I heard something that wasn't even meant for me. Why am I doing this? You don't even know him. "I'm sorry, this must seem weird as hell but... Are you Connor's sister?" I asked, biting on my lower lip. Great job (Y/N), now she probably thinks you're crazy...

I watched the expressions on Zoe's face change from confusion, to irritation, to concern. "Did he do something?" she asked quietly, so only I could hear. The boy took a few steps back to give us some privacy, but I noticed how he looked at me. As if I said something strange. "He's a freak, so if he'd done anything..."

"No, he didn't. I was just wondering... Could you send him a message from me?"

She furrowed her brow at me, but eventually nodded. "What is it?"

"Just... Tell him that I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Please, just text him..."

"... Okay."

CONNOR

The world is just a mess. A fucking mistake. And why should I be a part of this misery?

I sat in the park near the school. It was quiet here, at least for now. Mostly because all the annoying jerks were still at school. It was better this way. No one to see me break down.

The world's a fucking mess. The school's a fucking mess. I'm a fucking mess.

Why did I storm off  like that? The girl was actually pretty nice. It could be just a joke. Was it really? She didn't look like a typical bully. They never look like this. She said we could really be friends...

She was just trying to mock you, idiot.

She's new. She doesn't know me, probably never even heard of me. Which is for the best, actually.

Please, who the fuck would want you as a friend? You're a freak. You're the freak.

She defended me.

She pitied you.

I dug my fingers in my head, trying to get the voices to go away. I was tired of it all, why can't it just go away?

It could go away.

It will go away...

This morning I took a bottle of pills from the bathroom. It could be the end of this. End of this misery. I mean, no one would care, right?

*BEEP*

For fuck's sake.

I had tears in my eyes as I looked at the phone. It was lying on the ground next to my leg. I wanted to ignore it. There was Zoe's name after all. I just wanted to throw the phone away.

But then I saw the message. It was short, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.

From: ZOE (Y/N) says she's sorry.

I held the phone in my hand. It was shaking. I was shaking. Why was I shaking?

It's been so long since anyone apologised to me. Sincerely...

I don't really know why, but instead of throwing my phone, like I previously planned, I ended up throwing the bottle of pills away...

A/N

There are three other parts (for now) on wattpad, if you want to read the whole thing and leave feedback, you can search the title HELLDREAMERS on wattpad and it should show up.

[asynca]

Hey asy I've had anxiety and depression for a few years now and was wondering if you had any thoughts on serotonin inhibitors? I want to try taking medication but my family wants me to look for other solutions since they think I'm still too young for medication (I'm 17). I've been taking cbd oil but it doesn't do anything for me.

I actually wrote a really long reply to this, and then my computer crashed before I posted it and I got frustrated and left it for a few days. Apologies about the delay!

EDIT: MY COMPUTER CRASHED AGAIN WHILE I WAS WRITING IT AGAIN UUUGGGHHH

OKAY. Okay, I’m good. Let’s go. 

From personal experience. anti-depressants (specifically selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) have changed my life. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, and so periodically throughout my life I’ve taken them when things have been really tough for me. They always get me through that period and keep me functional so I can stay at work etc. 

From professional experience, as I work with a lot of people who have depression and other mental illness (gambling is very frequently associated with some level of depression), I see many, many clients do really well on them. 

SSRIs are not a ‘miracle cure’ for depression. You don’t pop them on Tuesday and then live life to the full on Wedneday. It takes 4-12 weeks for you to get the full affect of them usually and it’s a slow, gentle slide upwards from ‘I hate life’ to ‘I guess things are okay’. You don’t usually wake up in the morning and suddenly realise you’re deliriously happy. Instead, over time, the misery slowly fades. You don’t cry as much. You don’t get angry and frustrated as much. You realise things have been easier to manage lately and you’re kind of feeling better. You realise you feel less like a total failure and less lonely. 

Anti-depressants prep you for dealing with what’s triggered your depression in the first place. Do you feel trapped by your parents? Are you unhappy in your relationship? Do you have poor self-esteem because of how people treated you? Do you have past trauma you haven’t dealt with? On ADs, it’s easier to engage properly with therapy and address these issues. I don’t recommend ditching therapy just because you feel better - the issues are still there, you’ll do better in the long term by addressing them. 

In terms of cautions about anti-depressants, they do give young people the energy and motivation to suicide BEFORE their anti-depressant affect has kicked in properly, so if you’re suicidal, make sure you have someone aware of you and helping you during the 4-12 week period you start taking them. 

Furthermore, the 2-4 weeks you’re getting used to them, you feel weird. You might feel nauseous and tired, your head my spin. Your  mouth might be dry and you might yawn a lot. This is completely normal, and for most people does not persist. It goes away. 

Likewise, when you stop taking them, you get that head-spinning nausea again sometimes, and ‘brain zaps’ which are a weird sensation (not painful) where it feels like someone is running a buzzing electrical current through your brain occasionally. You can minimise these by tapering off the drug slowly. 

Sometimes, the first anti-depressant you take doesn’t work as well as it should. Or, the side-effects are not tolerable for you (for example, low libido or problems orgasming is a common long term issue on some SSRIs, or maybe you’ve lost or gained too much weight on a particular med). You may need to switch to another SSRI. 

It’s a process, being medicated for depression. Your drugs may be revised from time to time. You may switch drugs from time to time. You may have drugs added or removed to your regime (I’m on two meds at the moment, for example). You will probably go on and off them for your entire life - and that’s absolutely fine. I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and it’s ensured I remain as healthy as is reasonable for me to expect to be and functional.

Serotonergic anti-depressants appear to be very safe - the first one hit the market in 1987 - 30 years ago - and all we’ve come up with so far is ‘may slightly increase the chance of type 2 diabetes’. There has been some evidence that they may shorten synapses in brain neurons, but it’s not particularly strong. 

Millions upon millions of people take anti-depressants daily. Aside from drugs like tylenol or aspirin, there’s hardly a more tested drug. The safety profile is pretty damn good, even if we don’t really know why they work. 

Look, I don’t know why my car works either, but it does, so I’m pretty happy to drive around in it :3

If you’re considering taking serotonergic antidepressants, speak with your doctor. They’re a good, typically safe and reliable starting point for managing depression. 

[semi-sketchy]

Sassy I'm a bit curious but feel free not to answer this question if you don't want too. Why do you think the webkinz fandom is so bad lately. I've probably had my head in the ground the whole time because I haven't seen anything that bad recently. I have seen bad things before on kinztube and kinztagram but what part of it recently is so bad. I'm only asking this to get a new perspective not to tell you you're wrong. you've known this community longer than I have.

Don’t worry, I understand what you’re saying. Curiosity and wanting to learn is a great thing and I’m always happy to help, so hopefully I can explain this well.

The Webkinz fandom isn’t just bad lately; it’s been for awhile. I touched on it slightly here, but I’ll go more in depth below.

I guess the simple TL;DR is that I have never seen a community more willing to put someone under the chopping block to “spread awareness” or simply to engage in callout culture. (I’ve reblogged a few things on callout culture if you wanna read them.) Now for the actual part that’s long.

WAIT. I said I understood and I didn’t. I thought you were asking just what’s wrong with the community and not just recent drama. I’ve already spent over an hour typing all this and only caught that proofreading it. It still stands for today, but recently, since I’ve basically said “bye not dealing with you” to everyone, I haven’t really seen any drama. I don’t watch KinzTube anymore, I don’t follow members of the community, so I’m not really the best one for this. It’s really past experiences that set my opinions, although from what I’ve heard, it hasn’t gotten better. Alright, back to the post, carry on.

Being on KinzTube 8 years, I’ve seen a lot of things. Trends, secrets, scandals, but I took it as normal. I figured “every fandom is this bad. This is normal” until I saw it wasn’t.

I’ve seen people go on about Starrystar33 saying how she was a mean person and no one should have looked up to her, their main point being that she said “please don’t use my name” even though that’s just the thing nearly everyone said back in 2010. People used to get very defensive and angry back in 2007 and 2008 when someone wanted to be queen or king of a Webkinz (for real though, people stopped caring in ‘09 and this isn’t a thing anymore. Everyone making rants like it’s still a thing…no. No one has cared about it in a decade.) I used to see videos saying “block this person!!” although now it’s gotten a lot dirtier.

See, the Webkinz community has stepped aside from yelling “Billy hurt me!!” and has turned instead to “I wish I could give you my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt you, but to make you understand how much you hurt me~ ♥” And people praise them. Praise them for posting an “inspirational quote” and “keeping drama out of this” when really, the person is going to read it. Their friends will show them. It will hurt like the dickens. And because the original poster is so highly praised, they’ll keep doing it. The fallout is public and everyone knows who the post is about, but because there’s no names mentioned, it’s taken as acceptable and keeping things “drama free” when really it’s just a dirty trick to hurt people. It gets even worse when someone asks “what’s this about?” and they answer “I’ll message you” and the talking behind others backs happen. It spreads from person to person in private as it travels through friend groups. Everyone slowly gets turned against the other party because it’s a lot easier to trust gossip from a friend and have it taint your views.

To someone on the outside that’s not tuned in, it looks harmless, but pay attention to the subtle details and you’ll begin to notice a pattern. To eat my own words a bit here, there was a video made about me awhile ago. I think it’s been taken down, but the user and I had a spat. My friend sent me the video saying “look what they did.” It was a video where a Webkinz that represented them pushed through the crowds, above all the haters, but took special time aside to push down and diminish a Signature Siamese Cat; a Webkinz I use to represent me. To others, it was about standing tall, to my friends and me, it was about them going out of their way to say “fuck you.”

Through the addiction to gossip, hatred is born. Unbeknownst to a user, an entire community can be turned against them. The amount of back-handed exchanges and how people thrive off of it is sickening. And it’s happened to me.

This isn’t even the end of it. One of the reasons I had to disable comments on my channel was because of Webkinz users overall being salty. When I got my third Signature Siberian Husky, Karma, the comment section was a bloodbath. About 4 people sounded genuine saying she was cute, the rest were passive aggressive “I want one” and “oh yay good for you I don’t have one” along with flat out “you’re so spoiled lord you already have two huskies and you had to buy a third and keep someone else from buying it!” I kind of wonder if that video is what sparked the KinzTube trend of making rants on getting doubles.

I was prepared for the messages and when I got Timber, my second Signature Timber Wolf, so I went on the offense. Flat out spewing what I had learned and seen. I made a full on rant that I still stand by. Webkinz fans are salty. If they didn’t have something and they deemed someone had something they wanted, that person was a devil and needed to be put in their place. If they disagree to give/sell it to you, they’re even worse. I was surprised when rather than getting hate messages, I actually got a few people praising me for speaking up. I’m far from the only one affected by this issue.

As I said in the video, I believe this is due to the general age range for Webkinz fans being 11 - 16, a tough time in life where they’re learning social skills. Hormones are raging and I believe this is the time when people are most self-conscious. Low self esteem paired with a community that has hate and gossip knocking on every door leads to a pack mentality, or how I see it, a mob mentality. A confusing and hard time when you’re so angry, anything can set you off. That rage is often directed at whoever is the most recent target, whoever your friends have told you about, who hurt someone you follow.

Not everyone will be like this, I’m speaking mainly from my own experience and what I’ve seen, not any studies or anything. I don’t fully blame them, I was in that exact spot a few years back, but it’s toxic and shouldn’t be normalized.

The worst part of this being normalized and just “something everyone does” is that some don’t grow out of it. I hate to be this way, but you need the punch in the face to realize and learn. No one can tell you social skills and you acquire them like moves in a video game; you have to learn through life the hard way.

I understand I’m highly biased here, but this has been my experience.Has there been good in the community? Of course. There’s also the “village idiot has the loudest voice” thing, so the bad are always more vocal than the good. You just gotta pick your battles and push through, that’s the only way you’ll make it in this community.

-Sassy

[anoverloadofmusings]

To Make Some Sense Of This Year

I’ve lived two very different lives, like many of my generation. I have the presence everyone can see. My social media feeds. The version of my experiences that I get to shape in the retelling. I travel the world, confident and charming. Then there’s the other side, the confusion, the struggles. The loves and the losses. I find this disconnect between the two difficult to handle sometimes. This year, often. It is hard to pretend to be one or the other. Maybe that’s why I’ve finally decided to put this all down. To connect the dots and accept the contradictions, and be comfortable with the multifaceted person I am. It’s cathartic, in a world where it’s a virtue to not find catharsis in a public, online outing. But I want a release from the dualism I’ve been carrying with me and hope this will help with that. I’m sorry if it seems intense, but sometimes life just is.

I hope also, that whoever decides to read this can give me the benefit of the doubt, and believe me when I say that I understand my life in comparison to others. I know where I have benefited where others have not, just where I have struggled where others have not. I do not blame a single person in my life for my struggles this year. I have no bitterness, just feel a hell lot of regret, and a hell lot of love. I am constantly growing, constantly making mistakes. My experiences might have contributed, but I am full, rounded person, and I could’ve done a lot of things a hell lot differently. Feel free to criticise me and my actions, just know that I have often done the same.

The most appropriate place to begin this I guess, is admitting that I’ve been on autopilot for much of the last ten years. After my Dad died in 2010, my Mum married again and moved back to France within three years. That relationship never really healed, after clear, incomparable differences between my stepdad and I, where he insisted through his actions that my Mum would have to choose between us. I let it go though, and got through University, lived abroad for a while, built up an impressive portfolio of photography and filmmaking, before moving back to London in 2017, and I felt generally happy with the way I had restructured my life. I was generally well liked, had interesting travel stories to entertain people with and assumed like everyone else I would fall into journalism.

I was 26 by this point, and was carrying with me an awkward truth I was extremely ashamed of. Not only was I a virgin but I had never even kissed a woman, never been intimate beyond a few chosen words and glances. What might seem trivial to many now at the time was a heavy weight. That summer that finally changed, and though it was a lovely experience with a fantastic woman, I did question why I had put so much emphasis on this for so long. It was intimate yes. But it was fun. Light. There was no earth-shattering sensation. If there was something behind that heavy weight - it wasn’t sex.

A couple years passed, and I did well in my masters, my subsequent job, along with a few dating and hookup experiences along the way. I guess by this point I felt like I had cracked the right autopilot switch. I had given up trying to understand what that heavy weight had been to me for so long, as I had enough fulfilment in my life, enough goals to keep me focused. I just kept busy, barely remembering to count the days as they passed.

Then, in early winter, I started seeing a girl. I then - miraculously - mended the incredibly complex relationship with my stepdad, after years of fighting. In early spring, I left my job and tried somewhere new - in the city. By the end of March all these things had crashed down around me. All the support I had gotten used to, it vanished. I fell into a place where I am only now beginning to recover from. Some words used for this have been depression, deteriorating mental health, emotional immaturity, quarter life crisis etc. Whatever it is, it triggered something extremely deep lying in me. Now I have had anxiety issues - like many people - for a long time, but these were all under my control by this point and I had worked myself into a healthy place to deal with them. This breakdown ruined it all. I lost all control of those anxieties, lost all motivation in my job and the two following jobs. My relationship with my family broke and has not yet recovered. I became so, unhealthy dependent on this girl for my validation that after she left, I felt so inadequate, and all those anxieties from my past swarmed back, infesting into all the corners of the structure of the strong life I thought I had built up, and multiplying like a disease. I do not want to burden any reader with the technicalities of this mental state, as I do not want to indulge them anymore, but for those who can’t identify - you lose interest and passion in everything, so nearly all of those photos and smiles you’ve seen me pull since then have been some of the hardest and forced I’ve ever had. I never hated myself as much as I did then.

I let those issues wreak havoc over my entire life. I dragged friends through months of apathy. Of speaking to them about the same, limited topics. Colleagues had to sit and watch me struggle knowing I could not reach the potential I showed in my interview and they would have to let me go. I saw myself weigh heavily on this girl, even suffocating her and draining her energy. But for so long, when family and work left, she stayed and she cared. When she finally decided to take her happiness into her own hands and make up with her ex, I realised what had happened that I had never experienced before. I had fallen in love. Not the way I imagined I would have, and honestly not how I would’ve wanted to. Not when I was like this, completely unable to show anyone my best self. And not a healthy love either, not a love built around my dependency.

I think I can rationalise the impact people can have on our lives if you consider we are all built up of experiences. Some of them are fleeting, they happen and we forget them with ease. Other experiences, days or people leave a mark. Sometimes that mark hurts, which we then try to hide or run from. It can ache to remember it, so we burry it. Other people can awaken those hidden away experiences. This girl, she wasn’t perfect, but she did not leave a hurtful mark. I can still barely think of a time she insulted me or deliberately tried to hurt me. I still find it so easy to reflect positively on my time with her. What she did - unknowingly to herself and to me - was give me a certain affection I had never experienced, throughout all those years since my dad died, and perhaps before. I think it was so normal for her to give, it’s probably normal for most people come to think of it. But it was quite profound to me. I’ve been fortunate with my friendships - some of them are deep and will last a lifetime, but I did not realise I had lacked what she gave me. It was given even more significance for happening at the same time as the relationship with my family - seemingly the rock that our strength and love is meant to be built on - diminished in the form of multiple emails from my stepdad labeling me a leech and a failure. In the face of that, her affection was an intense reminder of what I did not have from my family. It was a short relationship, and its significance will probably fade in time, but while she was in my life I was endlessly confused. And just because I had no idea how to manage feeling appreciated like that.

It’s easy now to understand why I’ve fallen so far back this year. Without sounding unbelievably cheesy, I’m really not sure what the fuck I was doing before this year began. I was a functioning member of society but I rarely had a moment of pure happiness or fulfilment, satisfied with just feeling good. And that’s not to say a relationship is fundamental to happiness, it’s just, to me, I just felt like a passerby until then. Realising now, that the lack of a constant family figure showing me love in my life - especially in the last ten years - has meant that I just stopped expecting it, if I ever expected it to begin with. And for so long since March I have felt the same, perpetually trying to find the same level of purpose in my life without a lover’s validation. This core understanding about the necessity of self validation takes everyone their own timelines to figure out. And even then, once you realise you need it, it’s another thing finding it. Initially I dated a bit and found myself transferring all that affection and need for validation onto other women so quickly, despite knowing how unhelpful and wrong that was. I’m sorry for the women who had to experience that. I’m sorry for the friends who saw me suffer and said all the right things but knew they would just have to watch me suffer a bit longer before I worked it out for myself. My purpose was gone, and I couldn’t find it anywhere, as I didn’t have a clue where to start. Then I started to indulge it, I started to ‘like’ being so low with no self esteem. It felt familiar, more familiar than confidence or success. Sympathy from others brought out similar feelings of comfort that she had given me. It became like a cruel addiction, as if I wanted to see how far I could dislike myself and drive off the rails. I failed probation after probation, not able to feel even slightly present behind a desk. I somehow kept getting jobs but continuously found faults in them, and indulged them too. I saw issues with managers which were not issues. I lost myself and argued when I didn’t actually care about my point, I just wanted to feel anger. I gave up so easily, so quickly, and forgot all the things I loved, hobbies, friendships.

But this isn’t a sad recollection. At least that’s the paradox I find myself in sometimes. Perhaps another reason why I indulged this negativity for so long was because it felt good to feel. I had never felt as good as I had felt over that winter, with her, in my job, with my family, and never felt as low as I did in the months following. Even in the miserable moments there was a part of me which loved feeling so emotional. It just felt good to realise I wasn't just a passerby anymore. I’ve always been sensitive but I had never felt that level of emotion. And it was a different level at times, both the highs and lows. I still remember a tear falling down her face as we said goodbye and the force of emotion which hit me like a hurricane. I indulged it all. I let the vulnerability which I had once tried to champion completely define me.

There’s a lot of things that could’ve happened differently. I could have gone to therapy years ago, and not dismissed my anxieties so easily. I could’ve acknowledged the emotional impact my Dad dying and my Mum leaving would end up having on me in the future. If I had done that I could’ve taken sick days at work this year and breathed, reflected, then gone into work the next day. I could’ve made better decisions, chosen better places to move to, better jobs to apply for. I could’ve done a lot. If I had tackled this all before, things might have turned out differently. Then again, maybe they would’ve happened just the same. I know now though, that things happened the way they did because I was unaware what I had been missing for most of my life, and when it came I was overwhelmed. But it had to happen at some point. It’s really because of that that I just can’t hate this girl. She was not perfect. Somebody else with different baggage maybe could’ve maybe helped me get through this. They could’ve loved me back. Her preference of talking through social media was tough to deal with at times. But what she did do was help me realise what I had denied, while on autopilot for all those years. In a way, that was her saving me. And she did it with kindness, and a warm heart. If there’s anything I’ve held onto throughout all of this, it’s that I will not let anything that happens after make me forget the countless phone calls to make sure I was alright, the encouragement when I was at my worst. She deserves her happiness now and I’m proud of myself that I can focus on that, when I could’ve hated her for leaving. That gratefulness helps me sleep at night. She is a good person. As traumatic as it all turned out, I am grateful she was my first love.

And people do get better. Sometimes it takes going through an experience like this to give you all the tools you need to get better. And it doesn’t just switch back on like a light. I am building my life up again now, but instead of rushing to the top I’m taking my time firming up the foundations. Bit by bit. I recently dated someone for nearly two months and though things could’ve developed, I found myself controlling my feelings while I was seeing her. I managed to get to know someone while not making them my emotional dumping ground. I kept that in check. That might seem small, but to me that's a success. It’s one small victory on the way to being the Jeremy I know I’m want to be. I know I considering other people's mental space better now. Therapy is helping. Learning how to move on from people who don’t understand your value, even when I want to help them find theirs, is helping. Slowing everything down, is helping. It’s still a terrifying idea, to be out in the world - standing tall and pushing through a challenge again. But it is achievable, and it is achievable because I know so much more about myself now. I don’t quite love myself yet, not to the extent I know I should. But I like my voice. I like my mind. I like how I empathise with people. I like how I earn peoples’ trust.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. I hope you can sense what I’ve felt through writing this. I don’t really want any sympathy anymore for what I’ve been through. I just don’t want to carry this around, in a lengthy, confused state of mind anymore. I want this out there, written down, where I can see the words whenever I lose focus and remember everything happened the way it did for the best. People entered and left when they needed to. I let experiences drag me right down and almost wreck my entire life, and I need to remind myself, and anybody who reads this who doubts me, that no matter how trivial this experience might sound, that pulling myself back up - with the help of a few, extraordinary people - is a sign that I am not broken.

Fuck knows I’ve made mistakes. Fuck knows we all have. I’m sorry for those I’ve hurt during all this. I hope you can forgive me, and understand I will become better because of it, and will reward you for your belief in me if you wish to give me the opportunity to do so.

And finally, though this is purely cathartic, and I am speaking more to myself than to anyone else, I hope if anyone reading can relate to any of this, to reach out like I did. To friends, family, therapy, whichever. You’ll be endlessly amazed about the capacity that people have to love and to help. There are some people I haven’t named here but they know who they are. Perhaps not appreciating that in the people around you, and expecting it purely in the arms of a lover is where I got it all wrong. But I got plenty else wrong too. And now I have a lot of time to make up, and do it all better this time.