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neiptune · 2 years

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ok so, sry for answering in the comments and continuing the conversation here, but the character limits in the comment section had me walking in circles (also sorry for the long text ahead, talking about books always has me rambling)

admittedly i had to google who ferrante is, but now that will definitely be a name i'll look out for the next time i'll go the library- do you have any recommendations? :))

i started regularly reading classics only about three (?) years ago bcs the ones that were written in english i wanted to read in their original language and it took me some time to grow confident enough in my english level to attempt to get through them (as you probably noticed english is not my native language😂) so I have a lot to catch up on!

what i read from dostoevsky i rlly liked (made the mistake to read anna karenina as my first russian novel when i was fifteen - took me some time to get back to russian literature after that)

as cliché as it is, i actually really enjoyed what i read of austen's novels as of now, i just started reading my first murakami so i'm excited to see what that will be like. not (exclusively) but in general i also really enjoy oscar wilde and ocean vuong's works, i have to read a lot for university so during the semester i started reading more short stories and poetry or just light romance or sometimes fantasy novels that don't need my full concentration. or i just reread some of my favourite novels when i was like 15/16 as comfort- what are your comfort books?

sorry againf for the loong text, i hope you have/ had a good day! :)

Please never ever apologize, I love getting messages in my inbox <3 Bonus points if related to books, I've been so excited to reply to this!!!

Yes I absolutely do have one suggestion: please read the my brilliant friend series. I know they're 4 books but after you finish the first one you're not gonna be able to stop: the writing is phenomenal and they have pretty much changed my life. The books tackle female friendship, childhood, competition, adulthood, the post-war stultifying culture of naples, class struggle and so much more in a way that will leave you gasping for air. If you decide to give them a go please let me know, I'd be so happy to hear your opinions! (not going into more detail otherwise this post is going to be 5 pages long lol)

I 100% couldn't tell you're not a native!!! Found myself being a lil jealous of how well spoken you are instead (obviously not a native either here haha) and I must say, I've always read a lot of classics, mostly english literature and mostly bc of school assignments! Lately I've been slacking, there are so many books I bought bc I wanted to enjoy them in their original language but eh, never really touched them again :( I miss being an avid reader and I hope to get back on track this year! I looooove murakami like I know he's problematic but his books have changed my life, especially norwegian wood! I must admit I only read pride and prejudice by austen and didn't like it, also never watched the movie, but I'm willing to give her another go through sense and sensibility eventually :) I'm also trying to step out of my comfort zone and read more fantasy, I really liked the priory of the orange tree and the ninth house! Anddd I also love horror so I should really explore it more, I absolutely love shirley jackson! NOW ONTO COMFORT BOOKS. I'm so sorry but harry potter will always bring comfort to me. JKR can absolutely get fucked but those books shall be held close to my heart forever, they just feel like home. I also non ironically loved the twilight books lmao I'd be absolutely willing to reread! I'm gonna add a few more to the list: little women, the pollyanna series, the hunger games, wuthering heights, the secret history, alice in wonderland, the secret garden and literally any goosebump!!! My turn to apologize for the long ass reply but books are a topic I love too much so I can hardly shut up 🥰

#💌.#moots <3

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thebrokenbean · 1 year

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For Your Lives - Chapter 1

So it begins!

I've been working on this story since November, I believe?

The writer's course I've been taking this past semester is what finally booted me into the actual chapter-by-chapter writing process, and for that I'm incredibly grateful! Finally I've got chapter 1 complete and ready to share with everyone! Chapter 2 is being drafted, and Chapter 3 is a little further along than even that. I can't promise I'll have a consistent schedule but considering how the assignment due date is in a couple days, I imagine the next two will be out incredibly soon, lol.

In any case, here it is! The AU that's been rotting my brain for the past six months! Here's hoping I did my favourite psychopath justice XD

AO3 link, if that's preferred:

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Sparklings!"

Megatron freezes.

"There are kids here, Megs. Two of 'em. I can't leave them here."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

When Whirl is dropped into yet another life-or-death situation (he seems to keep finding those), he doesn’t really care all that much. In fact, it's even a little amusing. Besides, he'll get out. He always does. And if he doesn’t? Oh well. He’ll go out guns blazing, but… he’s had a good enough run.

Then two bundles of energy barrel their way into his life, and he finds himself caring a lot more than he probably should.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Whirl wakes up in a transport. At least, he thinks so.

He tries to look around but it’s too dark to see anything, even with the dim light from his optic.

The space feels small though – not quite small enough that his limbs feel awkwardly arranged, but not exactly big enough for him to stretch either.

He takes a second to think - because yes he may be Whirl, but he can be smart when he wants to be, thank you!

His memory's all fuzzy but he sorta remembers the Lost Light setting down on some populated planet he hadn't paid attention to the name of. He had gotten bored and run off to scare the locals stretch his legs in the primitive city.

The memories after that are even more blurry but he clearly remembers some glitch-head grabbing him from behind and zapping him.

Tch. Fragger. Who did they think they were, grabbing him like that?

At least the memory files confirm where he is.

He tries once again to look around him, switching to infrared this time, but he can't see any details. The box he's in must be lined with something protective. He can't hear anything going on outside, either, which is weird because he can feel the vibration from the transport's engine. He should be able to hear it.

Hm. A transport that blocks sound and thermal imaging?

Whoever nabbed him, they certainly came prepared.

Which probably means the metal around him is too tough to bust his way out of. Shame. He’d reaaaaallly like to try.

But whoever’s outside probably still thinks he’s in stasis. A mech who hasn’t had experience being zapped with an energon prod a hundred times by now certainly would be.

Great. Now there's a strategic decision to make. He hates strategic decisions!

Option 1: Sit tight and wait till the transport stops moving, then bust out when his captors try to open the box he's in. Maximum shock factor, sounds like fun. Except that he has to wait and utilize his rusty impulse control.

Option 2: Bust his way out now – which he’d love - before he gets to whatever secondary location these glitches want him at (he's heard that's a bad thing. Something about survival chances dropping), and risk doing nothing more than being loud and alerting his captors that he's awake. Because as much as he can't hear anything going on outside the box, he's pretty slagging certain anyone outside would notice him trying to break out.

It's annoyingly obvious which option is the better one.

Gah, but Option 2 could be so much more fun!

... Eh. He's done stealth missions before, this should be no biggie.

He shifts himself as much as he can within the cramped space. There's no telling which side of the box is going to be opened when the transport stops moving, so he tries to prepare for any possible angle.

Cool. Now that's settled. Or rather, he is.

All that's left is to wait.

If Whirl had a mouth, he’d have such a huge smirk right now… these fraggers’ll have no idea what hit ‘em.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Bored.

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.

Whirl is. So done with waiting.

He didn't look at his chronometer earlier so he has no idea how long it's been, but it feels like hours.

Aside from the inaudible rumbling of the transport's engine, the occasional bump in the road underneath him, and the sound of his own venting, he's been in near-complete sensory deprivation for the past who-knows-how-long.

He feels jittery.

He is this close to saying 'frag it' and busting out of the transport with his claws.

...

…

Frag it, he's busting out of the transport with his claws.

He feels around the box for a moment - just a moment - then in the split second before he lashes out at the wall, the transport beneath him jolts to an apparent stop.

Whirl doesn't consider himself a dignified mech. But if anyone ever asks about this moment in the future, he will not admit to the squawk that leaves his vocalizer when he’s thrown against one of the box’s walls.

It seems there’s a surge of commotion outside because his box feels like it’s being put in a blender set to ‘scramble’. There isn’t much for flailing-room but somehow his limbs manage to pretzel themselves more.

Then there's a thud, and the side of the box he's leaning against falls open.

He spills out onto the ground with an oof. He scrambles to his feet instinctually, but it takes him a second to find his balance and get his bearings. When he finally looks around, he's met with a dozen gun barrels aimed straight at him.

"Arrival #14-M, you are ordered to raise your hands and surrender," says the armed alien directly in front of him.

Whirl blinks. “...The frag?”

He ignores the guns for a second - he's had countless pointed at him before, they're not exactly scary - and glances around. He's standing in some kind of warehouse (underground, if the concrete walls and lack of windows mean anything), beside the transport he must've been shipped in on, with his shipping-crate-box only a few metres away, and surrounded by a group of heavily-armoured aliens that are roughly his size.

Whirl gives a mental shrug. Eh, he's been in far weirder situations before.

The organic being in front of him impatiently steps forward in an attempt to be intimidating. "Arrival #14-M, raise your hands and surrender or we will take you by force."

Whirl laughs. If he had eyebrows, he would raise one of them. “First of all, buddy, I don’t have hands. Second…” He narrows his optic in the approximation of a smirk. “I don’t surrender.”

With a yell he launches himself at the organic, digging his claws into their chest armour and throwing them at another being who had been rushing forward.

Gunfire peppers his plating as he tears his way out of the ring the guards had formed and darts across the room to put some space between himself and them.

Now that he has the elbow room he didn’t have in the box, Whirl checks his subspace for the guns he usually keeps there. Scrap, empty. His captors must've found a way to confiscate his belongings while he was unconscious.

Ah well. Hand-to-claw combat it is!

Unfortunately his opponents have a different idea. One of them fires a kind of bola out of a fancy-looking gun. Whirl manages to dance out of the way, but the second shot - from someone positioned on the sidelines - manages to hit. It tangles around his spindly legs and sends him crashing to the ground.

The beings waste no time swarming him, pinning him down as they wrestle his arms behind his back. His wrist shape isn't exactly handcuff-friendly, but they seem to find a way to manage because suddenly his arms aren't going anywhere.

"Hey, frag off!" he snarls, struggling under their shared grip. Once they're done, one of the organics grabs him by the shoulder pauldron and roughly yanks him to his feet. He stumbles a little but manages to rid his ankles of the now-loose bola with a kick. He wrenches out of the being's grip and backs away, his optic narrow.

"What the frag do you think you're doing? Is this some kinda arrest? I swear I didn't do anything wrong this time! I didn't even start any fights!"

"Quiet," one of the beings orders, and two others step forward to grip his upper arms. He thrashes as they start moving and try to drag him along with them.

"Oh, I don't think so! You ain't takin' me anywhere!" Whirl raises his voice, indignant. But they manage to haul him across the warehouse and through one of the many garage-style doors into a smaller room.

The room is wide and very tall, but only a fraction of the main warehouse's size. There's another garage-style door against the far wall to the right, and yet another on the left wall. Crates are stacked in the corners of the room, along with structures that look suspiciously like cages.

But what truly catches his attention are the other handcuffed aliens - big and small, organics, mechanoids, and everything in-between - that huddle in the center of the room. He's shoved forward to join them, and he almost trips in his effort not to squash some of the smaller organic prisoners.

"Oi, watch it!" Whirl growls at the guard (because that's definitely what these guys are, whatever their overall intent). The guard just turns and takes up a position by the door.

As a few more prisoners are brought in, Whirl takes stock of the odds. There are at least two dozen armed guards in the room now, double the number that he just fought. That's only a few more guards than there are prisoners. But seeing as all of said prisoners are handcuffed and most seem considerably frightened, they don't stand much of a chance.

Well scrap.

Guess he's stuck playing the waiting game... again.

It seems the guards have the same idea, because it's a long time before anything else happens.

Whirl tries to make conversation.

“Hey, stupid!”

The guard he’s directing the comment at ignores him.

“Any of you lot gonna explain what’s going on here, or are we supposed to sit here with our claws up our afterburners?”

All the guards are unresponsive.

Whirl rolls his optic. “Not ones for talking, got it.”

He plops on the ground, arranging himself into something somewhat cross-legged (being careful not to crush one of the smaller prisoners of course) and shrugs. “Eh, fine by me. Leaves more room for me to ramble. I tend to prefer action over words, but hey! Rambling’s saved my aft before. Once there was some dude who made me spill my life story, just so he’d spare some scrawny little therapist. ‘Course, that didn’t really do much since the lil guy got his head blown open anyway-”

“Enough!” One of the guards finally seems to break, barely able to keep the groan out of his voice.

Whirl gives a slag-eating grin. “Aw, am I talkin’ too much? Should’ve thought of that sooner. You sure you’re not gonna explain what we’re waiting for, here?”

Nothing. The guards seem to be trying the silent treatment, again. Ha. Like that’ll do anything.

Naturally, Whirl responds to their silence by talking more.

Unfortunately it doesn't last, since he runs out of things to say and ask (he’s not nearly as good at this as Swerve is), but he feels accomplished when he sees the exasperated expressions on the guards' faces.

Eventually, one of the guards steps away from the wall he was leaning on. He approaches the group and aims his weapon at them. "Line up. Backs against the wall." he says curtly, and gestures towards the back wall of the room.

The group shuffles in place, hesitant, but eventually they comply. Whirl grumbles as he follows them. He hates this, but he's been a prisoner before. He knows how this stuff works. Best thing to do for now is play along until he can finally figure out what these guys' deal is.

The guards take up their positions again, and through the door that's now on Whirl's right comes a tall organic alien. He's at least a mechanometre taller than Whirl, and equally thin. Whirl doesn't exactly know much about the whole galaxy-wide 'clothing' thing, but the robe that hangs off this being's slightly hunched form does not look cheap. The stiff posture and down-his-nose look he's giving the prisoners certainly helps sell the 'Wealthy Ventwipe’ impression.

He is accompanied by a mechanoid assistant that's only half his height and carrying a datapad. The pair begins going down the line of prisoners. They speak casually as they seem to inspect each being, talking about weight, strength, species, and giving each one some kind of rating. Whirl shifts. He's not sure he wants to know what they're rating them on.

When the pair stops in front of Whirl, the tall male's four eyes widen. He turns to his assistant. "This one is a Cybertronian, is it not?"

Whirl narrows his optic. "It has a name."

The tall male seems amused. The mechanoid chitters something in a language Whirl doesn't understand, and the male's eyes glint dangerously. "Is that so?" He looks Whirl up and down. "I'll take this one too."

The two attempt to move on to the next person in line, but Whirl jerks forward aggressively. "Take? The frag are you talking about, 'take'?"

The lanky male looks back at him with a raised eyeridge. "Mouthy," he observes.

"Yeah," Whirl growls, "I'm told I get snarky when stuck-up glitches start talking about me like an object."

The male's expression hardens, and his lip curls. One of the guards moves forward, but halts when the male raises his hand. "He is new." He levels a narrow gaze at Whirl. "He will learn."

Whirl snorts. "Like the pit, I will." He steps forward and brings his face close to the male's. "You better explain exactly what's going on. Or even better, let me go! I promise I might not even kill anyone on the way out."

The tall male doesn't flinch. Instead he tilts his head to address the guards, without breaking eye contact with the mech in front of him. "Have this one put in holding while we wrap this up. I'd rather inspect the rest of the stock without pointless banter and useless threats following after me."

"Stock?"

Two guards approach - derailing the incredulous thought - and Whirl crouches a little, defensively. He flexes his claws behind his back. It'd be reaaaally nice to have use of his arms, right about now.

Still, he resists as much as he can when the guards attempt to yank him away from the wall. It's a fruitless effort, on his part, because they manage to nab him eventually - but it makes him feel a little better. That's always a plus.

They mech-handle him through the door that the alien and his assistant had come through. The ceiling of the wide hallway is much lower, and the space is slightly better-lit. Doors line each wall. Big ones, like the doors of a human garage, except more heavy duty. One of the guards punches something into a keypad beside one of the closest doors, and it retracts into the ceiling.

"In," one of the guards orders him.

Whirl twists in their grip. "Yeah no, I'm good thanks." He'd rather not go into another cell. He's been in plenty of those in his millions of years and he's pretty sure he's had more than his fair share. "How about we try something else? I know a game! It's called 'Let's Let Whirl Go’. To win, you guys let me go, and I-"

"Quiet." The guards shove him harshly, and he could swear something catches his foot because he stumbles and lands flat on his face - or rather, his chin, ‘cause… well.

He hurries to get back on his feet and turns around with a scowl, but the door has already closed.

Great.

"Tripping me? Really?" He asks the closed door with a narrow optic. "That was stupid, childish... and incredibly effective. I should remember to try that sometime."

He glances around the room. It's small, but definitely not enough to be cramped. The ceiling, like all the other rooms, seems to be made of a large sheet of dark metal. The concrete floor and walls are two different shades of grey.

The walls are gouged and cracked in places, probably from whoever or whatever was in this cell before him. Hm. He tilts his head a little. "Wonder if I can break through that..."

He gives the back wall an appraising look, before winding up and lashing out with his foot.

The resulting noise is relatively loud and dust rains from the corner where the wall meets the ceiling, but his foot has left hardly more than a dent.

Well. That was underwhelming. Whoever built this room clearly intended it for someone a lot stronger than him.

He throws a few more kicks at the walls, especially the places that are visibly weaker, but the damage is all pretty minimal. Guess he's not getting out of here that easily - which is probably just as well, considering he's pretty certain he's underground anyway.

Cool.

... Now what?

#transformers #maccadam #idw #mtmte #whirl #for your lives #brokenbean writes #my fanfic #fanfic #tw kidnapping #if i need to add more tw tags please let me know

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inkofamethyst · 2 years

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January 28, 2023

K so I’m back from the interview weekend and I’ll write a bit more about it tomorrow, I think (I need to write up things I learned + my own thoughts first tonight (most of the bits in this “entry” are mini blurbs I wrote over the past couple weeks lol)) but FIRST OF ALL on the morning that I was flying out for this past weekend’s event, I literally received an email from a faculty member at my “top” choice saying that they were starting interviews and I was invited to one with him!!! Don’t know if it’s going to be a panel or an individual one but GAH that’s CRAZY. I’m literally so happy. Kinda funny how my first interviews are with two of the top schools in the US but that’s just how the cookie’s crumblin. It does mean that I’m going to be talking to people from institutions other than my own (three in total) every single day next week. Five out of seven responses in a month.

Anyway, one thing I’ll say about this weekend’s event is that all of the prospective students were just so lovely and wonderful. There were few enough of us that we all managed to get to know one another pretty well and I’m really looking forward to seeing where they end up!!!

I put all my assignments into a new Notion Page (I’ve been using the same basic template I made two years ago though and might try to find a cuter one), and it’s crazy how little I have to do (as written on the syllabi) compared to last semester. Partly because last semester had required/suggested readings for literally every class and I put my bio readings into Notion even though I almost never do STEM readings. It should be such a lovely little mental rest.

I think I need another mini sugar detox. Not entirely sure if I’ve become dependent on sweet things to get me through the day, but I think I need to majorly cut back.

I wonder if journaling so consistently for four years has had any impact on my academic writing. I mean I’m certainly as verbose as I was in high school (perhaps a bit more so, now). But it’s hard for me to say whether writing almost daily has made me any better at it because I’ve got such a terrible habit of doing things last minute. I dunno.

I watched the first episode of Accused with my dad when it aired and while I really really loved the episode (no spoilers ahead I promise), I think watching it the day after a similar event occurred once again in the US was... a lot. Heartbreaking in the most awful of ways. Reminded me of Black Mirror in more ways than just the fact that it’s an anthology. Everything from the music, the suspense, the cultural conversation that’s perhaps a bit exaggerated in the way that fiction should be sometimes to get us talking.

Incredibly thankful that the question is no longer “if” I will get into a PhD program but rather “where” I will attend (yes, yes, I know I’m fixating on this one topic to be happy about but I gotta grab the Happy Feelings by the throat and wring them for all they can give sometimes). For months, I’ve been feeling guilty when thinking about what the future could bring. I’ve been feeling guilty when I thought about decorating an apartment or buying kitchenware or taking bioanth classes or even exploring a new place because I couldn’t be sure that I would even have the opportunity to do any of that (and I fully recognize that it was an unhealthy mindset but uhhh.. yea). But now I know with relative certainty that it’s at least within the cards.

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cyberstudious · 2 months

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👻, 📁, 🌟!

👻: share an academic horror story! (bad group projects, missed an exam, etc)

instead of a bachelor's thesis, my computer science program has everyone do a capstone project where they put you in teams and pair you with a local company or a lab at the university and they have you do a programming project that lasts a semester or two. it's supposedly a great resume builder, but the problem is that a CS degree doesn't actually teach you how to write code for companies - that's something that you gotta learn on your own time & a lot of people don't do that. classic bad group project shenanigans ensued lol. a few of my team members were fantastic, some tried their best, and one dude literally did like zero work the entire semester and it made me So Angry. the rest of the group members were very confused about his skills and determined that he like definitely faked all the achievements on his LinkedIn page which was funny but also frustrating lol.

💻: a subject/field you wish you could get into if you could?

I would loveeee to get into malware analysis/reverse engineering as a subfield of cybersecurity. that stuff is so fun but also so difficult and I have a lot to learn.

🌟: share one of your academic “core memories”!

One time I made a breakthrough on a really difficult programming assignment while I was doing the dishes and just letting my mind wander, and instead of "wow I should take breaks more often" I decided "drinking coffee at 6pm makes brain go brr " was the strategy that I was going to follow for the rest of the semester 😂

ask game here:

#asks

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moth--knight · 5 months

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if you don't mind sharing, how exactly did you find out you had adhd? and how did you get through college w it?

hi anon!! not a question I expected haha, but sure, I can answer (but I rambled sorry, so putting it below the cut)

I didn't realize I had it until I got to college, mostly due to interacting with peers who also had ADHD and whose experiences mirrored mine in startling ways. I had always been a good student in terms of like, grades? But I struggled with getting ANYTHING in on time. It was like there was a mental block preventing me from doing even the most basic of things. Sitting down to focus on a simple 200 word response felt like pulling teeth despite the fact that I was objectively a good and fast writer, and pretty much every assignment I have done since middle school onward I have done at the VERY LAST MINUTE. I nearly flunked out of my first semester of college because despite having As in all my classes, I could not for the life of me get myself to write the final papers for three of my classes. My professors were kind enough to give me extensions of a full two months - and yet every single one of those papers I wrote the night before the final deadline, crying on the floor of my dorm room until 7am. I didn't understand WHY I couldn't just fucking sit down and do it. It did not help that I could focus on shit like video games for HOURS without moving. I would forget to eat, forget to sleep, forget to use the bathroom - I always felt very fucking useless and lazy, because I *could* focus, but never on the right thing. Not to mention that I could not form habits to save my life. Even now at 25, remembering to brush my teeth twice a day is like, nigh on impossible. Lol.

In college I met some friends who were diagnosed with ADHD, and all of them were pretty much like "hey your issues with hyperfixations and an inability to focus on simple necessary tasks and an inability to keep habits and so forth all are very ADHD coded my friend" and I was like "NAHHHHHHHHH. NO WAY. I'M FINE." <- words of a guy who was NOT fine

Even worse, my partner at the time had a therapist who just from stories of me was like "btw maybe you should tell your bf they probably have ADHD it could help them" which is like. Deeply fucking funny kdfsgfhdkjsal Anyway. My own therapist eventually also was like "99.9% sure you have ADHD" and I was like "sick what do I do then" and she was like "well you could get tested and get on meds" and I was like "ahahahahahahaha well I cannot afford that so nah"

I had no insurance in college and every dime I made I spent on HRT or sent it home to my family. So. I basically ignored the problem. Which. Was not helpful. Lol. Quite frankly looking back I am not sure how I managed to graduate at all. I was under severe and constant stress because of the way ADHD was ruining my life as a student. It was not fun.

I didn't really *accept* that I had ADHD though until after college, and I still have never gotten a formal diagnosis 1) because I don't have that kind of money to throw around tbh and 2) I don't need a doctor to tell me what I already know.

BUT. YOU ASKED HOW I GOT THROUGH. SO HERE ARE MY TRIED AND TRUE STRATEGIES

Whenever possible, I tried to set up parallel working sessions. I often sat with a large group of friends/peers in our library and we would work together. Having other people with me helped keep me on track, and even when I spent half the time talking, the other half I worked. Working alone I often got NOTHING done. Parallel play saved my ass on many nights and for many assignments. My junior/senior year when we had to go remote because of COVID I swapped out in person for video calls with multiple people. Same sort of vibe. Now as an adult if I want to get something done, I still hop on a video call with my friends. It helps me focus to have other people there, and the background noise of conversations is soothing almost. I don't know why, but it works.

If you can, have some sort of schedule imposed by outside forces. I really fucking suck at habit forming, and so making lists and just saying "I am going to do this then" does not work for me. But having set times I would go to class and go to work helped me manage my time better, and carve out blocks that FORCED me to work on what I needed to get done. I color coded my schedule and made sure that my class hours and work hours were regular; it made my 'free time' also more structured around those mandated times, which helped a little. It also caused me a lot of stress though. There are tradeoffs for everything I suppose.

Walking and pacing!!! This sounds nuts but like. I luv maladaptive daydreaming and have since I was a kid, so I kind of adapted that to help me with school work. If I had an essay or something I would put on some music and go for a walk or pace in my dorm room and just think about the assignment. It helped me generate ideas so when it came time to sit and focus, I had something to work with rather than staring at a blank page. I really suck at sitting still and thinking, so moving around helped me a lot.

Speaking of, I took a LOT of breaks. Which seems counterintuitive I guess, but allowing myself to get up, go get a snack, go chat with someone, etc, made it easier to come back and sit down and work rather than trying to just sit and focus and fail to focus for hours on end. I took lots of breaks but also got small pieces done in between every break, so it all added up in the end.

Anyway, sorry, this is a lot. the TLDR is I spent my schooling years either unaware or in denial of having ADHD, and it destroyed me. I wish I had accepted it sooner, and I wish I had more adults in my life that could have saw the signs and helped me.....but alas.

Even so, I developed ways to cope that I still use now. It helped me a lot to start talking to other people who also have ADHD because it made me feel less alone. I've also tried very hard to reframe my thinking of myself as lazy/useless because like, I am not either of those things! I just have a disorder that makes shit hard! GRAH!

I have no idea if any of this is helpful anon, but I hope ??? it can be. I don't want to presume anything BUT if you too are in college and struggling I am wishing you the absolute best and I hope you can find a good support system. (And if you ever want to chat, my dms are open <3)

#asks

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ladylethal · 5 months

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Dear diary,

Lol.

Maybe it’s constructive to keep journaling. I still feel out of control.

I can’t believe i passed the semester.

I’m probably so desperately embarrassing when it comes to the opposite sex. LMAO.

I should stop with my facial expressions.

I just always look enamoured with everyone.

Always spacing out.

Lol.

Fuck.

I should just act cool 😂

The dispensary guy probably knows I like him lmao I can’t go back there ever again.

💀

D guaranteed knows I’m obsessed

BUTTTTTTTT honestly

At least I don’t obsessively like his social media posts. Hahahahaha idk and I never message him really

I thought the best way to move on was removing him as a friend on fb lol and then i kinda felt bad?

Bc it’s been 7 years , am i trying to assign meaning to something that doesn’t really exist 🤣

I just more than anything wanted him to know we were cool

You know?

Like also considering the age difference, didn’t want him to get the wrong idea.

Cause everything was consensual and obviously i’m 32 yrs old???? Hahahaha. Idk. He gets all weird sometimes and wont choke me rly hard and asks if he can cum in me lol such a gentleman jk. Clearly someone had a talk or he educated himself on this topic but truly i don’t care either way.

Plus we had hungout since i deleted him so obviously it made sense to re-add

If he hadn’t reached out then i definitely wouldnt have either lol

I also apologized

It’s kind of embarrassing tbh like that younger girl oggling an older dude

Kinda unflattering for him maybe

Either way. I have nothing else going on romantically or what have you.

So i must exhaust this topic

Every fucking time i write that i “probably wont hear from him again “ and then i do like WHO CARES BRO

Clearly i cant flirt otherwise but also im super shy

Goddamn tho

Hahaahahh

I LOVE HIM HOW POINTLESS

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passingdaysthings · 5 months

Text

04.14.2024 - New Quarter

Today is Sunday.

I am writing this as I take a short break from catching up on lecture. I am about to enter the 3rd week of this quarter, and I needed to catch up on lecture. I didn't listen to the first 2 weeks for both classes. Well, the first week of lecture for Data Science tools was actually just a refresher on data science in general. I am feeling kind of numb, ig. It's the same old thing I have been doing since Sept 2022, and I am chugging along. For me, that is a good thing because it had made thing easier to handle, and I rarely have breakdowns about my assignments or grades. I am currently taking Data Science tools I and Deep Learning which seem to be classes that will require me to use what I have learned in my previous classes, so it should be simple in terms of not having to learn new material. I will just need to refresh and delve more in-depth on the all the materials I have already learned. Thank god that this semester's workload is similar to the last. I have more assignments and things to do for Data Science Tool than Deep Learning. The only things I need to do for Deep Learning are my midterm project and my final group project. I have female partners for both, so that a nice small bonus. Ofc, I had no issues with my last partners who were male, but they were a little harder to get along with in terms of friendship.

Goals for this quarter:

Get B's on both classes (I got a C+ and B last quarter)

Do well on my projects and assignments. I want to put in some more effort this quarter.

That's really it LOL. I just want to do well, and put in more effort than I did compared to last quarter. Especially because I have projects for both classes.

I am currently okay. I am getting a raise at work, but I am also looking for a new job since I will be finishing up my M.S degree soon. There are a few jobs here that I am kind of interested in, but I haven't looked into them that deeply. I need to actually sit and make my Github to do all my applying. I also want to clean up my pass assignments and projects to upload into Github.

No real Taylor updates, tbh. I said we will see what happens in March/April last post, but nothing new.

-P

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harryfeatgaga · 2 years

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okay so I need advice but honestly mostly this is just me ranting bc i don't think there's much I can do in this situation 😭 basically last year i took chemistry and that class fucking sucked it was so hard and confusing and there was this girl in my class that i kind of knew, but I wasn't like friends with her or anything i just vaguely knew her from other classes. but she sat across from me in the lab so we talked sometimes and did the worksheets together bc they were confusing. then she started texting me after class and asking me if I had finished the worksheet and if I could show her one of my answers. I said yes a few times bc I felt bad for her since she had been sick at the beginning of the semester and missed a few classes and stuff so i just sent her a picture of that answer.

then she would ask me to send her the homework answers or the pre lab quizzes answers and i ignored her as much as possible but she would just text me over and over and I didn't want to be super mean bc I had to work with her every time we had a lab! so I sent her stuff sometimes but then she started asking me to like write down all the answers on the exam and send it to her and that was when i was like "um absolutely not" bc that teacher was fucking insane with her lockdown browsers and webcams and i wasn't trying to get in trouble 😭

but then the class was over and I was like oh well I'll never have to deal with her again. then a few days ago she texted me saying "omg we have microbiology together do you want to be lab partners???" and i couldnt rlly say no bc I don't know anyone else in the class and it's a group of like 10 people so i couldn't rlly hide from her or anything lol. so I said yes and now she's doing the same thing 😭 she texted me asking if I had done the assignment that was due that night and i ignored her but then she asked if there was anything else due that night (like why would i know, look it up yourself?) and I felt like i should answer so I said yes I had and literally offered to look at one of the questions with her if she was confused but she said "no that's fine can you just send me a picture of yours?" and I said i wasn't comfortable doing that, but she did not take no for an answer and she was like "please it's due really soon" and I again offered to help if there was one she was confused on but she just kept asking for a picture of my work 😭 then I lied and said I was so scared to get in trouble for cheating bc I had a friend who got in huge trouble for doing that last semester and she said "oh don't worry it won't be similar to yours I'll change my answers" and i was like no???? literally just no??????? and she was basically begging me and i just kept saying no it was so horrible and embarrassing 😭

and like I don't even think i should feel bad bc this class is literally so easy. like it sounds like it would be hard but the teacher is absolutely amazing and she's so helpful like literally if you email her saying "I understand this but I'm a little confused here" she'll just give you the answers 😭 and it's not my problem that this girl procrastinated for 3 days so she didn't have time to ask the teacher for help! like get it together bestie... anyways idk what to do here bc I think she's just going to keep asking 😭 and I don't want to report her bc I'm not trying to like ruin her life or get her kicked out of college, and also i did give her answers last year so she could definitely snitch and get me in trouble if i told the teacher but like idk how to deal with this 😭 and I can't just block her and ignore her bc we have to work together two days a week in the lab and i don't want her to be like hostile lol I'm just very stressed and hate this very much

Can I just say I had no idea asks could be this long 😭😭😭 FJDKSKSKS but ummm yeah that’s a very tricky situation I’m sorry I would just be straight up with her like hey you need to do work too and learn it I can’t be giving you every answer it’s not gonna help you in the long run I’ll help you if you miss class etc but y’all are partners it’s a group effort

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wetthamm · 2 years

Text

January 5, 2023

I haven’t actually posted anything for awhile. Honestly I treat this app like Pinterest where I just repost and scroll through pretty poems and paintings.

I wanted to write about my art goals this year! These are not organized (they are for me lol)

- be more ambitious: in terms of the scale I work with, the content/ subject, just think of a way to add a complexity that complements the viewing experience— as well as my concept.

- be content: I don’t have to be satisfied. Not every artwork I make will satisfy me or be “good”.

- build a body of work or a collection: I want to expand my portfolio and show a bit of specialization.

- show work on social media: I should post my work on multiple platforms. But I hate being perceived. But also it’s not that serious.

- think of selling some work: I could make prints or make Linocut prints. Sell mugs too from ceramics class.

- be passionate: look ahead (uh-oh) and just absorb as much as I can. Look for things that inspire me.

- make more art friends: I feel mentally ill slobbering all over my keyboard trying to write every thought down. I can just have a discussion with a friend THAT UNDERSTANDS.

- compile and organize references and resources. Look into art magazines, art history, etc.

- make lots of stuff: honestly it’s a win if I make something (at the end of the day) because I gained experience… right? Be ambitious like that

- painting: I want to paint on linen and use more oil paints. Given my school and given the space I have to work with, I don’t think this will happen.

Also with painting… be more thoughtful about what I’m making. Spontaneity doesn’t really work for me. I need a vision, a purpose, and meaning. This would mean doing more design work and research about the art I’m making.

I’m interested in making art about the Dreamscape, about longing and yearning. About life, biological systems, the micro-cosmos, love, queerness, magic, the figure, transcendental painting group, Impressionism, environmental art practices, imperceptible worlds, philosophy, femininity, softness, yeah that’s it’s for now. Im thinking of ways how to engage in the contemporary art world. Metamodernism. What is that, like internet memes or something?

Also… I want to learn about criticism and art theory. I’ll read essays and try to understand it. I could become that pretentious art nerd… also it would be good to have some knowledge in my field of study. I’m also interested in installation as well!

Ceramics: I want to get good at wheelthrowing and make vessels. Sculptural vessels! Also want to learn more about glazing and what kind of stuff I can do with that. Im interested in how I can utilize the glaze like paint. In ceramics I primarily want to mix the functional and the decorative, to create an object where there is some level of interactivity.

Drawing: I am taking a drawing class this semester so hmm… I’m mainly interested in lines… I love linework. Swirly, organic forms that are dreamy. There is a surrealism assignment so I’m pretty excited. In drawing I want to focus on bringing some kind of painterly, interesting mark making elements to it— Like build my work around that. In drawing I just want to show off and make cool stuff. Just excited for drawing class tbh.

General art goals:

- paint during summer. Oh my god it is a time to be productive and I really hope I paint. I AM A PAINTER AFTER ALL?

- be financially stable :)

I hope for another good year in art. This year will be especially special because it’s my first year fully starting it (without any doubts (questionable))

#art #journal #new year #thoughts #art thoughts

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myawesomebeautifullife · 2 years

Text

The adventures of 2022

I can’t not begin to explain about all the events that have taken place since March. Although I will because that is the point of this post LOL. Where do begin?

Let’s start with the fun stuff like the many other concerts I attended. I went to LA pride were I finally saw Christina Aguilera!!!! Who brought up Kim Petras, and Paris Hilton on stage! Let’s just say that it was well money spent. I also saw Avril Lavigne!!! I can’t believe it that I finally was able to see my child hood idles!

My birthday was so amazing! Sami and I went to big bear, rented a cabin, and just was in nature. It was so great to get out of the city and just be in nature and away from life. I hate the idea of being 32 but I feel like 31 was such a great year filled with a lot of great memories. I really wanted 31 to be a great year and I feel like I accomplished that.

I can’ t believe I am about to write about school but in a positive way! That spring semester I was taking history class and I had to write all these essays and it was terrible but I did it! I got a B in the class. In the summer I had taken an art film class. Basically I had to watch two films every week. I had to write two essays which was terrifying BUT I was successful at it. I ended up getting an A in the course AND was like legit mad that the course was over. I really did enjoy that course a lot. I wish a lot of my other classes were set up the same way.

This semester I am taking an English class but in person and I am taking a math class but that one is online. I am actually enjoying myself this semester. It definitely has its challenging and I am of course procrastinating assignments but I am working on my self to now do that as much or as hard.

Although great things have been happened. I almost lost Salem. He had urinary blockage and required medical treatment that cost what feels like a million dollars but he is better now and doing better. I’ve been feeding him his special foods and I’ve only been giving him filtered water.

I was to finish this year out strong. This year is the year of self. Self-care, Self-love, Self-Respect, and Self-reliant. I’ve done vast improvements in how I view myself, my surroundings, and what I have aligned for myself in the future.

Goals that I was to success to finish out 2022. I want to have a morning, getting home, and night routine! I don’t have any. I’ve been struggling. I want to work even better at planning things. I feel like when it comes to work and school I have no problem showing up but when it comes to anything else I take like 5 million years to show up and I think that really says alot about myself. I want to start something that helps my soul and my peace of mind and I should up like how I do for school and work.

2023, I want it to be the year of adventure. To take the learnings that I’ve gain, take the things that I’ve manifested for and life them out in 2023. Something that I’ve notice I’ve been lacking. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I’ve been doing these great things but something keeps pulling to think back to times like when I was younger and surround by friends and trips and back to when I used to do Make Up videos. I miss the creative, go getting self I used to be. I feel like I’ve been working on myself and manifest things that it’s time that I start to feel again and go live again. idk. it’s weird and hard for me to explain but my future self who reads this will understand and hopefully isn’t having this problem.

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berryunho · 2 years

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woah wtf how do credits work at your uni cause i only need 20 to graduate. the discrepancy between majors is REAL lmao my friend is in history and partying every weekend and im here crying over amino acids. pls.

that's so fun omg!! do you know any korean rn? i was thinking abt a neuro minor myself but i feel like having a minor in stats is more useful for our program :///

YES IT WORKED HAHAHA omg i am SO happy like ATEEZ IM COMING 😭😭 i would like to thank u for the idea and my sister for having her wedding on that date 😭

i can't imagine it being that hot late sept. do your buildings at least have AC? and was it a nice day today?? cause i swear i was freezing when i woke up and now it's 23/73... that sound so aesthetic!!! mb i'd acc get work done if i went there.......

i think we're doing all 3 but today was IR day and i swear the info just goes in one ear and out the other. like there's polling questions as my prof goes thru the lecture but the info hasn't sunken in yet to fully answer them and i'm like am i dumb or am i dumb???

you, me and 🍓 anon best pen pals indeed!! i can't believe we're all travelling that far the dedication is real 😭 i hope you have fun on your mini vacation <3

its hump day!! 2 more days to go we can do this :D

-mightychondria

UM ... wow i even googled it before posting that and google said canadian universities work the same as american ones w credits LKJFD:SLJFS but apparently not 😭

but so ummm so basically each class is assigned a credit number based on how many hours a week you're expected to devote to the class (outside of lecture) TIMES TWO so like my chem lecture is 4 credits so that means i should expect to spend 8 hours a week studying chem on my own ... if that makes sense 😭 its basically correlated to the workload of the course and anyhow you need 120 total credits to graduate,,, with a designated number of those credits being within your major FGDKSLJF:LDJS so everyone needs at least 120 to graduate but the amount of classes you have to take WITHIN your major definitely depends on your major ... like i said i have 74 credits in my major which is essentially like... 20ish classes that I MUST TAKE to graduate w my major but im free to use the other 46 credits however i want 😎 so if you do the math 120 credits/8 semesters = 15 credits a semester which is considered a "normal" workload (im taking 18 LKFJS:LDJF)

but anyways sorry that was long winded af LKFJ:LSJDK lol hopefully that makes sense?? how does your system work though im curious now !!?

LKJFS:DJFK:LSDJK as for me knowing korean ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i never speak on this bc im terrified of embarrassing myself but this is how i broke it down to my prof LOL i can understand about 50% of what i hear and 75% of what i read w vocab being my only issue and ... i can get my point across in writing or speaking but im definitely not conversational LOL ANYWAYSHLKFSDLFJ if i go to korea ill (probably) be able to test out of the rest of the korean classes at my uni and get credit for them thus giving me enough credits for the minor without actually having to use any of my limited credits/time toward completing it KFKLDSJLKFJ

but 😭😭😭 yeah you're right stats is really reaaaallly useful in our area 😭 im being forced to take a bio statistics research class rn and like. wtf. BUT TBH you gotta do what you want to do. like not to be cheesy but really you gotta do things for yourself so if you want to do neuro you should do neuro !!!

BUT OMG YAAAAYYYY!!!!! im so glad it worked out omg that makes me sooooo happy KJFLSD:JFJKKL its gonna be so fun AAAAAAA

honestly the AC on my campus is so dodgy bc like... there are buildings from the mid 1800s that havent been touched once and there are buildings from last year and buildings all in between 😭😭 id say most of the buildings that i frequent definitely do thankfully !! but omg yes it was so nice today i woke up and it was 60/15 and i was in such a good mood all day LOL

no fr in chem whenever my prof asks the class something i just sit there in silence. like i never know whats going on in lecture until i read the textbook or attempt problems and essentially teach myself everything 😭 i wouldnt stress about it too much chem is hard !!

hehehe honestly the motivation of dedicated atinys like name something stronger KJSLDKFJSDL hehehe

wow this response got so long LKJFALKDFJ:AD anyways. you're so right! 2 more days! lets go!!!

#mightychondria anon #answered

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marooosa · 2 years

Text

Hate You, Want You

A/N: I wrote this super impulsively and did Not proofread it, so please disregard spelling and grammatical errors. Enjoy!

Prompt: college! Austin and Y/N can’t stand each other, especially when they are paired together for a music composition project.

Warnings: Smut, being a Music Major lol

It was nearly midnight. You were exhausted from the day’s classes and your late shift at work. You loved your job, the tips and pay were incredible for what you do, but it’s hard to not feel worn out when three of your coworker’s called in sick and your manager spent the evening working on the “schedule” in his office, leaving you alone on the floor.

Checking your course pages, you find an announcement in your Theory class:

Hello all,

Sorry to bother so late, I just finished grading last weeks’ work! Tomorrow’s class we will begin our Partner Composition project. Please take a look at the requirements in the Syllabus, but we will also review my expectations and I will be happy to answer your questions in class tomorrow. I’ve already assigned partners, so please take a look at the list below!

P.S. I’ve also attached your phone numbers so you can easily contact one another, because who actually checks their email?

See you tomorrow!

You keep reading, scrolling further down the page to search for your name. You had a few friends in your class, so you hoped to be paired with one of them. The class was engaging and fun, but you dreaded going each week because of-

Austin Butler and Y/N Y/L/N

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” you groan, hands covering your face. You’re a friendly person, you enjoy helping people out and love to be friendly with nearly everyone, but that friendliness dies with Austin fucking Butler.

It started when he transferred into your program during your third year. Being punctual, you were the first person sitting in your class. It was a normal day, you were responding to emails when, quite literally, the most beautiful man you have ever seen strolled in through the door. He was dressed casually, but something about those dirty blonde curls paired with piercing blue eyes and a strong jaw had your mouth gaping, and that combination was simply too much to handle at 9:03 AM on a Tuesday.

You didn’t even realize how long you had stared at the time until he cleared his throat, “You know, you should take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

You didn’t even respond, feeling too embarrassed that he had caught you staring. Your cheeks had burned red for the rest of that class, and your embarrassment swelled each time you both caught each other’s eye.

Since that first moment, it seemed like he does everything in his power to make a fool out of you. Always correcting your answers when you participate, disagreeing with literally every discussion board you post and making sure to let you know that you’re an idiot, and staring at you so intensely during last semester’s recital that you could feel his eyes burning into you, causing you to shake like a leaf (even though you had performed countless times in the past and weren’t even performing challenging repertoire) and almost miss a beat.

He just bothered you, he’s too pretty to be that much of an asshole. But God, he is pretty. It’s frustrating really, to waste such a perfect face and a gorgeous body on such an insufferable person.

You slump even further into your hands, truly considering transferring because of a two-week project. Your phone chimes, jolting you up for you to see a text from an unknown number:

+1 *** *** ****

Hey partner, aren’t you so excited for tomorrow?

Checking the page, you see that the number is attached to the man you can’t stand. Although your mind tells you not to, you find yourself writing him back,

Oh yeah, I really can’t Wait to be forced around you for 2 weeks,

Thinking you should add something else to get under his skin, you continue:

why’d you ask? can’t stop thinking about me?

You decide to get dressed for bed while you wait for his reply, washing off the day’s makeup and changing into pajamas. While brushing your teeth your phone lights up:

Mhm. You know I can’t, maybe I’ll even dream of you tonight.

‘He’s such a dick’, you think, cheeks warm for no reason. Leaving him on open, you slide into your bed, reaching to grab your charger when he double-texts:

I think you’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Face much hotter now and heart beating far too fast to just be curled up in bed, you respond boldly for the final time before turning your phone off for the night,

maybe I would

why don’t you find out?

Closing your eyes and exhaling deeply, you find yourself drifting off to sleep, trying and ultimately failing to keep your mind off of Austin…

His left hand is splayed across your hips, pinning you down to the bed, your bed. Meanwhile his right hand is keeping your legs open, head buried between your thighs. Your fingers are buried in his hair, effectively holding him down.

He’s making these sinful noises, lips attached to your clit, tongue lapping at it in circles.

“H-Holy fuck, Austin, oh my god,” you whine, hips trying to move from the overwhelming sensation.

You’ve come once already, but Austin is determined to get you off again, his tongue slides down your slit, pushing inside of you so perfectly. He moves up and down for a moment before finding home back on your most sensitive part, two fingers sliding into you to replace his tongue.

His fingers are moving at lightning speed, curling into the way he knows will make you fall apart. The sounds in the room are obscene, your whining, his low moans, the squelch of his fingers..

His lips pull off of you for a moment, “You taste so goddamn good, can’t get enough of you,”

You’re close, that ball in your stomach growing bigger and bigger,

“Could stay here forever, make you cum all day if you’d let me. Get you off however you want.. with my tongue, my fingers, my cock,” He flicks his tongue quickly around your clit now, fingers pumping in and out of you. You’re so close, nearing the edge, not being able to hold back any longer,

“Come on, baby, want this pussy to cum all over my face,”

And with that, you’re coming so hard you can’t even see, can’t even hear, and everything turns white….

You wake up suddenly, the sun too high in the sky for your liking.

‘Shit shit shit’ you think, ‘I’m late!’

Pt. 2? Thank you for reading!

#austin butler x reader #austin butler smut #elvis 2022 #smut #college au #this is filthy at the end

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