#i really loves how my chest was i was happy w my reduction but now im considering getting them completely removed idk if i can cope with it

[strawbrains]

Pissed off I should've never gone on birth control

[massivelycreepypineapple]

A Long Hard Look In The Mirror

Summary: The reader has made a decision and Dean is trying to wrap his mind around it.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

A/N: This story is a bit personal. I was going through some things that reminded me of my teenage years and I decided to make a fic on it to cope with some bad memories (Dean makes everything better, doesn’t he?). Everything said here is my opinion, thoughts and views. You can feel free to disagree with me but please be nice about it hehe. That’s all I ask. 

Warning: Slightly angsty, mentions of nudity but no smut.

Word Count:1389

❅ ❅ ❅

After a lovely hot shower, you stood in front of the long mirror in yours and Dean’s room, naked as the day you were born. A frown marred your face as you cupped your breasts. They had always been on the bigger side, and it bugged you to no end. It didn’t help that you were quite short. Dean always told you how much he loved them, but you just never could get onboard with the monstrosity. You were always teased in unfavourable ways as a teenager. The things some of the boys would say really appalled you and you were too shy and scared to stand up for yourself. 13 was already such an awkward age for a kid, add being sexualised to that, you got yourself a whole lot of fucked up. Thanks to that experience, your relationship with your breasts only grew worse.

The size of them always prevented you from wearing certain types of clothes in fear of not pulling it off. You hated that you always had to buy a size bigger to make sure you looked half decent and not to mention, as a hunter you had a lot of running and fighting to do and it didn’t help when the sons of bitches always got in the way. So after great thought and planning for several months, you decided you were finally going to do it. You were finally going to get breast reduction surgery.

Dean knew about your issues with your breasts. He knew how much you hated them and in spite of everything he did to show you they were perfect, you were adamant. What could you do? You just wanted them gone.

“That’s not the right expression when you’re naked, baby.” Dean smirked leaning against the doorframe.

His voice startled you and your instinct was to cover yourself. He chuckled slightly and came close to you, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling your back to his chest. You were more than a head shorter than him and he loved it.

He kissed the top of your head and grinned, “You’re so sexy, Y/N. You should be naked more often.”

You laughed at him, “How convenient for you, Dean.”

“You should really learn to accept them, Y/N.” He said softly after a few beats of silence. “They’re a part of you, and that itself makes them so perfect, honey.”

“I’m going to get them reduced.” You blurted out without thinking. You clasped your hand to your mouth and stared at him through the mirror in shock.

His expression mirrored yours and his arms immediately fell away from you. “W-what?”

You sighed at him and walked to your wardrobe, pulling out your favourite sweat pants and dean’s baggy sweater. “I thought about it, Dean. And I want to do it.” You said getting dressed, trying to do anything but look at him. “I’ve been thinking about this for the past few months now and I feel so good about this decision.” You continued.

Dean didn’t say anything. He just stood there staring at you in shock. You finally got dressed and got enough courage to look at him.

“Dean, say something.” You whispered, looking down at your fingers.

He finally snapped out of it and a light scowl took over, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m telling you now.” You said

“After you made all the decisions by yourself!”

“It’s my body, Dean!” You glared at him.

He scoffed at you, making you even more angry. You didn’t understand why he was making such a big deal out of this. What say did he have over your body?

“Right, your body. Then why bother even telling me now, Y/N?!” He shouted

“Why are you getting angry?!” You shouted back.

“I don’t know!”

“Okay!”

You were both breathing heavily from the yelling. You didn’t know what was happening or why you two were fighting.

“I’ve told you how I feel about your boobs. I told you how much I love them. Do my words really mean nothing?” He asked hurt gleaming in his eyes.

“Dean…” You said taking a step closer to him. You wrapped two fingers around his. “It’s not about you.”

“Well, that’s nice.” He smiled sarcastically.

“No! Not what I meant, Dean. I’ve told you how much I want them gone. How much they bother me. Do my words mean nothing to you?”

Dean sighed at that. He held both your hands and looked you in the eye, “I love you just the way you are Y/N. I don’t want you to change. Do you hear yourself? It’s fucking surgery! What it goes wrong? What if you don’t like the new look?”

“I’ve thought about it Dean. I know it’s surgery, but it’s not a major one. I’ll be able to come home the next day. And I found a great guy, we’ve been talking-“

“Woah! Woah! You’ve been talking to some guy about your breasts?!” He looked at you wide eyed.

You chuckled at that. Of course he’d go there. “Not some guy. A surgeon. He’s one of the best and he was recommended by a friend. You can come meet him. I want you to.”

“Y/N…”

“Dean, I’m doing this whether you like it or not. But I want you to be on board, baby. Please? Caz it’s too scary and too much for me.” Your voice cracked at the end.

You didn’t realise you were about to cry. You didn’t realise the amount of pressure this whole thing held on you. Telling Dean broke the dam, easing some of it.

“I know you like them Dean, but won’t you love me just the same with smaller boobs? Are they the reason you’re still with me? Just like all those guys who ask me out because of the size of my boobs?”

“Baby, you know that’s not true at all.”

“Then what’s the issue here, Dean?”

“The issue, Y/N, is you’re succumbing to them! You’re letting them get to you!”

“Things get a little fucked up when you’re 13 and you hear your own classmates who you considered best friends say shit like ‘Hey Y/N can I play with your boobs?’. Or the things they whisper behind your back. Or when they push you against the wall and pretend they are doing stuff. Maybe me doing this will make me feel safer! I just want to feel safe in my own skin!”

You didn’t know what to do anymore. Tears were falling steadily down your face.

“I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing. Maybe I am letting them get to me. But Dammit Dean, I don’t have to love the body I was born with! I can change it to make me comfortable! It’s mine to do what I please!” You were crying by then .

Dean didn’t know what to say. He had no argument to that. You were right, it was your body and you could do what you wanted to be comfortable in it.

“It warms my heart that you like my body, Dean. But I have to live with myself and I really don’t like it.”

You rubbed your nose with the sleeve. After spending so long holding it all in, you couldn’t stop sobbing now.

Dean hugged you tightly, holding your head against his chest. “Okay, it’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere no matter what you choose to do. I may not understand 100% but I promised you I’d be here for the long haul and I ain’t leaving.” He whispered. “I’ll do my best to understand.”

“Thank you.” You whimpered in his hold.

People change the colour, length or style of their hair. They get their ears, nose or any body part pierced. They paint their nails, they grow it or cut it. They wax their body hair or let it grow. They put on make up, they wear clothes. Hell they even change their personalities. People throughout their lives make decisions about their body to feel comfortable in their own skin, even if it means making big changes.

Maybe at the end all that matters is you die knowing you were happy with yourself. And you get to be happy on your own terms.

❅ ❅ ❅

Tags Below

@hobby27 @akshi8278 @svmwinchesterr

[tonicandjins]

theater rehearsal

pairing: lee chan/reader (high school au)

genre: fluff��

words: 1950

(a request by @flawless-sins! i got super excited for my first request and just wrote what i got on top of my head. i hope you like this one!)

Seungkwan didn’t know exactly why Lee Chan wanted so badly to tag along with him for his theater rehearsal.

The younger boy had never shown affinity to theater until today. He claimed that he wanted to see what Seungkwan could do with his amazing singing and acting skills and wanted to support him as a friend. Seungkwan calls it bullshit, because the boy had never taken interest in his voice and always wanted him to shut up whenever he’s warming up before a performance. That is, until today.

“Channie, if you need something from me, you can tell me,” Seungkwan told the boy as they walked towards the rehearsal room. “You don’t have to follow me around, because you are seriously so weird today. You don’t like theater. Just tell me what you need.”

“I’m serious, hyung,” the younger one replied. “I really want to see what happens in theater rehearsals. Because you know, we only see the finished product. I want to see the process.”

“You’re being weird again!” Seungkwan hollered, stopping his tracks and holding Chan’s arm before they could even enter the room. “You don’t even watch my musical plays! You slept through the entire play last spring!”

“Ah, hyung,” Chan whined. “Just let me watch, okay? I won’t be a burden.”

Although Seungkwan was still a little suspicious, he let out a sigh and opened the door, letting himself and the younger boy in.

“Good morning, everyone,” Seungkwan politely greeted. “My friend, Chan, is here with me today. I hope it’s all right. Let’s work hard today!”

The members of the theater club, who were scattered around the room preparing for the rehearsals, responded with a series of hums and good mornings. Chan bowed and greeted them as well. Seungkwan watched him closely; there must be something that Chan wants here because he was really the last person who would be interested in plays.

“Lee Chan?” a voice called out. “Chan! I didn’t expect to see you here!”

Seungkwan followed the voice and realized it was from you, a junior and a recently added member of the club. He looked at Chan over his shoulders, and the kid was already frozen on his spot with a way-too-enthusiastic smile plastered on his face. Seungkwan has got it all figured out.

Jesus Christ, okay! Chan’s admitting that he may have a teeny, tiny, little, so-small-that-it’s-barely-there crush on you. Seungkwan has got to stop sending him playful smiles and winks whenever he interacted with you because he was blowing the younger one’s cover.

Chan liked you a little, but he has a lot of reasons why. You’re a junior student, just like him, and you had just transferred from your hometown’s high school. He knew a little about you, but the little information he had was more than enough for him to like you. You and him shared the same classes including Chemistry, the one where Lee Chan excels at the most. Everyone in the class knew Chan was the best student in Chemistry. He was the master of balancing oxidation-reduction reactions, the lesson that made your head hurt. You were assigned to sit in front of him, so it wasn’t rocket science to figure out a few things about you.

You told the class on the first day that you transferred because your father got promoted and had to be relocated, which meant that he had to take his entire family from the suburban village to the capital city. All right, you’re pretty to begin with. Who wouldn’t want to look at your face? Setting aside the fact that Chan has been seeing the exact same group of people for the past three years, you were pleasant to look at—like a breath of fresh air. But Chan could only wish that the only thing he really liked about you were your physical appearance. You were more than that.

You were struggling a lot with Chemistry, but Chan knew you slay in English and Literature. The Literature professor was very much pleased when she learned that not only were you great in classic Korean literature but also in world literature. Chan has never seen someone so enthusiastic while they talked about the analysis of The Happy Prince and Other Stories by Oscar Wilde—voice so smooth, tone so wholehearted, eyes so bright. Your eyes light up differently during your English and Lit class; Chan knew that because he sat on the left corner in front and the professor liked to walk around when she discusses something, so he had a reason to look behind and steal a glimpse of you. Lee Chan loved Chemistry class the most, but this school year might be different.

He learned that you’re a member of the theater club during lunch, when he saw Seungkwan walk with you and the rest of the members inside the cafeteria. Seungkwan waved you goodbye before he sat on their table, the one he shared with Chan and Hansol. Chan wanted to ask Seungkwan about you, but that would cost him an entire year of teasing and never-ending obvious hints when you’re around. So he decided that he’d just observe you from afar (in the least creepy way) to get to know you better. He wasn’t really good with getting to know people. He knew how to blend in, but that’s about all he could do when it comes to socializing.

So coming to the club’s rehearsal was probably not the wisest thing he came up with.

“How’s your theater club experience so far?” Seungkwan teased when he sat beside Chan. They were given five minutes to rest before they continued. “Ah, Lee Chan, I should’ve known it was a girl that could make you come watch my rehearsals.”

“I didn’t come here for her!” the younger one hissed. “And shut up, hyung, she’s going to hear you.”

“You call me ‘hyung’ while telling me to shut up?” the other snickered. “You like our Y/N? Is she your first crush?”

“No, she’s not!” Chan denied. “I-I mean… no, I don’t like her like that. I told you, hyung, I came to watch you.”

“Okay, then,” Seungkwan said. “Recite the first line of the last song I just sang.”

“Hyung!” the other whined.

Seungkwan just laughed and turned his head to look at you. You were standing in front of the director, asking if you could move your hands differently in a certain song.

“Y/N!” Seungkwan called once you were done talking with your director.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” Chan whispered.

“Calm down, Chan,” he replied. “I’m helping you out.”

The way you walked towards them, God, Chan’s heart is already beating so fast.

Sure, you weren’t his first crush, but you were definitely the first one who got him so hung up like this. He tagged along with Seungkwan to his rehearsals. He never showed interest in theater and arts, even when one of his best friends has such a great passion for it. Of course, he watched every show and chipped in when Hansol bought flowers for their immensely talented friend, but he’s not really that entertained with musicals and all. If it weren’t for Seungkwan being a part of the theater club, Chan wouldn’t watch a single show. He had never been distracted in Chemistry class. Science was his passion, as nerdy as that sounds, and it’s always been the only thing he could focus on without fail. But since you entered the class with your bright eyes and smooth hair, all he could think about was how he wanted to sit beside you and help you with the lessons. You were an eye candy—that’s for sure—but you were nice and profound and your voice sounded so good in his ears, he could listen to you for an eternity and not complain about it. You could probably read aloud his mother’s grocery list and he’d still be engrossed and would want more.

But now, he just saw you in a different light. This was your first official role, and Chan didn’t know you could sing and act like that. It was like you were made for the stage and the lights, even though you only performed in the rehearsal room where the stage was small and the lights were ugly. (He reminded himself to beg Seungkwan to take him to the stage and dress rehearsal the week after this one.) Your eyes were brighter (if that was even possible) and your voice sounded like honey (if voice could sound like something as sweet).

But, God, you were coming closer. His heart’s going to combust.

“Oppa,” you whined with a pout. (Lee Chan was found dead in a ditch.) “The director doesn’t want me to change the way my arms move. It feels awkward!”

Seungkwan let out a laugh. “He’s always been like that. It seems like he doesn’t listen to what we want, but he really just wants what’s best. The key here is to trust the director.”

“But it’s so awkward!” you continued. “Oh, hey, Chan. How are you?”

Seungkwan looked at Chan, trying to hold back the laughter that’s threatening to burst from his chest.

“A-ah,” Chan stuttered, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m g-good. It’s fun watching you… watching all of you rehearse.”

“Seungkwan told me you didn’t like theater that much,” you joked. “Do you like it now?”

“W-what? Hyung, why did you tell her that? No, no. I like theater. I’ve watched every show where hyung had a role in,” he quickly explained.

You laughed, and oh my God, please help Chan. He thought he might have just lost his ability to breathe.

“I’m just kidding, Chan,” you said. “So I’m hoping I’d see you on the 24th?”

“Huh?” Chan asked, a little confused.

“The play will be presented on the 24th, silly,” you answered.

Seungkwan let out a small laugh before silencing himself.

“Oh, right…” Chan replied. “Of course, I’ll be there.”

“Great! I’ll find you in the audience, then!” you exclaimed. “Seungkwan oppa, five minutes is almost over, do you think you could sing the bridge part for me? I haven’t mastered the high note.”

And with that, Chan watched as Seungkwan sent him another playful wink before leading you towards the other side of the room, but not without you waving goodbye to him and saying you’ll talk to him again later.

Chan took a deep breath and patted the left side of his chest, as if to ask it to calm down because it’s been beating so hard, like it wants him to rip his chest open for more space to thump onto. But how could his heart calm down when he could still hear your faint voice along with Seungkwan’s despite his heart beating so loudly.

Chan never not liked high school. It’s probably because he’s in between. He wasn’t as popular as Hansol, who was every girl in his school’s dream, nor was he an active student like Seungkwan. He was just your regular student excelling in nothing except his science class, but at the same time being average in the rest of his subjects. You could say his high school is one that’s normal; he still has curfews and he walks from school to his home with his best friends. Girls never ran after him and the teachers didn’t consider him as their favorite (except for his fellow nerds, aka the science teachers). He has always been in the middle and had no sort of excitement besides solving problems involving heat flow and temperature changes.

But now that you’re here, he might start liking high school more than he should.

He does.

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... GLOW (S01E09) The Liberal Chokehold Airdate: June 23, 2017 Ratings: @Netflix Original // Privatized Ratings Score: 7.5/10 // GIVEAWAY CONTEST WITHIN!!! TVTime/FB/Twitter/Tumblr/Path/Pin: @SpotlightSaga **********SPOILERS BELOW********** 'GLOW just released two of the best episodes of 2017 w/E7 'Live Studio Audience' and E8 'Maybe Its All the Disco', and by no means was 'The Liberal Chokehold' anything but a great episode, but it didn't quite achieve the greatness that the two that preceded it did. Bash (Chris Lowell) finally returns for his & Sam's big pitch to the Network Executives. Apparently he'd been on a big bender for 2-Weeks, explaining his sudden absence. Not surprising considering his sudden money issues that he's really only shared with Carmen during her freakout at their first show. Bash is a good guy, he really wants to realize this dream, not just for him but for everyone involved. At this point he's let people down and he's feeling the pressure... But his rich, trust fund life, and card carrying privilege coming to a sudden halt, led to the one thing he knows how to do best... Self destruction. Arriving at the meeting late, sweaty, and tweaked out of his mind... He sure as hell fits the part. Talk about a mess, this guy looked like me after a bender at on tweak at the age of 19... Not exactly picture ready, if you know what I mean. When Sam Sylvia (Marc Marlon) is embarrassed and shocked at your mess, you're beyond a simple jittery 2-Day, drug spree. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I hammer this quote home like a fn' Anti-Anti NA Slogan, a 'Harm Reduction' specialists mantra to live by, 'If you're going to be a mess, at least be an organized mess. And if you can't do that, then don't be a mess at all.' All out, bender babies like Bash are always the ones that almost achieve something great and then flush it down the toilet at the last second. Luckily for Bash (and Sam too), he has some of the most determined women to stand by his side. These women have worked hard to get where they are and they will be damned if 9 Grand & a comes out rich bitch is what takes it all away from them. They hold a car wash, but that's a bust. $287 is a long way from a near 10k goal. Bash's Mom, Birdie (Elizabeth Perkins) is the shining bitch of the episode. With all the love and camaraderie brewing & bubbling within the ranks of the women of GLOW, it was definitely time to introduce a villain of sorts. Then again, Birdie really isn't a villain in the truest sense of the word... She's more like a bitchy, Reagan-worshiping, LA socialite, who's stuck in the past with a stick up her ass. However, she's got money and she's got friends... And she's throwing one helluva fundraising soirée. Hell or high water, Bash and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are going to find a way to take advantage of Birdies high end, West Coast, check book challenge! Creators Liz Flahive & Carly Mensch take over the writers room and create some excellent comedy through Birdie's hilariously transparent 'mission' to end the 'crack epidemic' amongst the 'poor, unfortunate minorities' (as if no one else was affected)... And Lynn Shelton, one of my favorite tv directors as of late (popping up heavily on shows like Netflix's 'Love', NBC's 'The Good Place', & Hulu's 'Casual') makes sure the episode flows into a cascade of crazy. Bash sneaks in all the GLOW Girls to the Gala by convincing the door man (who he clearly knows very well & vice versa), that the women are part of a fictional group called 'W.A.D.' (Wrestlers Against Drugs - specifically Crack, you know, to fit the theme). He has each of them take center stage, talking about their completely fabricated experiences with Crack-Cocaine & how the worlds greatest Sports Entertainment acronym & pro-wrestling saved their lives, before introducing his increasingly impatient mother, Birdie. All the women give it a great go, but it's Jenny aka Fortune Cookie (Ellen Wong) who delivers her entire speech in the rare language of 'Khmer', except for the word 'Crack', that's used at just the right times to ring the great vibrating gong of comedy. For a good juxtaposition, Ruth Wilder (Alison Brie) goes last and delivers a speech straight from the heart. She's really talking about her recent transgressions with Debbie (Betty Gilpin) and Debbie's husband, Mark (Rich Sommer). Clearly it's something she's been needing to get off her chest. And even though she replaces key words with 'Crack', Debbie hears the message loud and clear and the speech kills at Birdie's Right-Wing, Reagan-inspired, Anti-Crack Rally. The whole thing has Liz Flahive's fingerprints all over it, and that's a good thing. It's signature feel may not take 'GLOW' to the great heights the previous episode did, but it really assists in defining the show... Cementing its core identity as a tv series. Bash's takeover is successful, but Birdie isn't having it. She takes back all the checks that the crew earned for W.A.D, but gives Bash a much better gift... A venue... 'Annnd you can't beat that!' Btw, WWE fans, I've been using that quote for several GLOW reviews and no one has caught it yet. I'm shocked really. Take out 'beat' and replace it with 'teach'... And what's that spell... S...A...W...F...T... SAAAAAAWWWWWFT! Meh, fahget about it. Though, for the first person who gives us the correct answer on TVTime in the comments section and then likes our Facebook page @SpotlightSaga, giving us the correct answer as to where that quote comes from *on both pages* (so I know you're listening), I'll send you a lil' something, something in the mail. Facebook fans, same goes for you, if you beat TVTime'rs and post the correct answer on @SpotlightSaga's FB page in the comment section on this article, then join TVTime and give us the correct answer in the comment section for this episode via @SpotlightSaga on TVTime.com ... Then you get the goods! Consider it our first Spotlight Saga giveaway, and yes it will be wrestling related! Before we get all 'giveaway happy', which I'm totally excited and eager to do, we've got one massive story arc that blindsided a whole lot of Glow Netflix fans. Spoiler Alert, though we should be far past those by now... As these are simply companion pieces. Justine (Britt Baron) is not in love or infatuated with Sam, despite what Sam's inflated ego led him, and tricked most of us, into believing! Justine walked in on Sam's 'One-Man Pity Party' and decided it was time to drop the truth bomb. Justine is Sam's daughter and now suddenly all the 'jealousy' and 'weird obsessions' with Justine attempting to get close to Sam make total sense. Not only is Sam terribly embarrassed over what just went down with Justine, but he's also under the impression that GLOW was all for nothing, and his film 'Mothers and Lovers' was already made... A PG version called 'Back to the Future', and double spoiler alert for Sam; there's 2 sequels, making three total films & a cartoon series in the same vein of what he thought was an original idea! Well, it either wasn't original or someone jacked his time traveling brainchild, and took out all the John Waters inspired smut. And really, that's totally possible considering he'd been trying to make the film for an entire decade. Gotta be careful throwing around ideas in Hollywood! But that's not the real problem is it? You got a heartbroken daughter and a deadbeat dad. Well isn't that just the story of all of our lives?

[ghostofcitrus]

more gender crisis bc i need somewhere to document this shit and also if u wanna read and say smth that’s cool too 🥺 fair warning it’s kinda longgg. but there’s a tl;dr and i tried to make the paragraphs short so it’s easy to read and i sorted the thoughts by paragraphs

ok so when i see a girl or group of girls or smth i, for the most part, am like yeah same. i have the same lived experience and like yeah u look cool and i relate in a lot of ways.

but like i also feel the same w non-binary ppl. i see agender ppl and i’m like oh nice that sounds like how i want to live MY life!! i get jelous. i saw a gender ambiguous person the other day and i thouvht i was going to lose my mind i was like AKSJSHJSJSNS Y O U. I WANT TO BE YOU. i talked to them i was like 😭😭i love your hair😭😭 and it was so compelling just seeing them i got my hair cut later that week. i like it.

and i cut my hair and i’m like y e s. and i’ve always wanted a very small/flat chest and have planned on getting a breast reduction (meaning i want basically no tits. i’m like a DDD rn. and i’m short and have a baby face so that’s like. very noticeable. pain.) ASAP. but i like dress and being seen as a girl? but i also want to be non binary, but it feels like something im striving for. i don’t feel like i’m there. i feel like i WANT to be there but i just keep hitting roadblocks.

when i think about OTHER girls, i’m like yeah. i relate to that. but when i think about myself. fully isolated. i want to present like a feminine agender person. i am connected to my girlhood. girl, sister, girlfriend, daughter... all of them accurately describe me. but i also like person, sibling, partner, child.

i like femininity. i like being seen like that. and being seen as a girl is cool and fine. but i don’t feel like it accurately describes all of me. but i’m like scared??

i want to be a “girl” in the way that when u look at me ur like ... is that a girl? my face i like lmao. it’s round and feminine. cool lol. my body.... i wish with like all my heart i woke up one day w/o titties or major curves. but i’ve literally work so hard to accept and like myself in my body. YEARS of forcing myself to look in the mirror and compliment myself. deconstructing fatphobia was a big part of it. but in my head. with no mirrors around. i think of myself as less curvy. a small fame, but not really curvy. much more neutral features. i forget what i actually look like. but when i do look in the mirror now i’m like she’s pretty. i like how she looks. nice. but it doesn’t really feel like me. but i feel cool. it’s like nice makeup that’s someone else chose for u and never comes off. like yes. that’s nice. but... it’s not like “me”. i feel like that about most of my features. but i’ve grown up in them. i don’t hate them. i think they look pretty and i feel confident enough like this. and after all the work i’ve done to get to this mindset... it’s just not what i want.

i think part of what’s messing with me is i’m automatically more comfortable with other girls/afabs, like we just share experiences and i can generally understand how they socialize. guys like,.. not so much. but most of my actual friends have ended up being guys. but im naturally wary of guys. and most around me end up being fucking republicans anyways. and another part of what’s getting to me is when i’m going about my life, i enjoy being stereotypically feminine. like i like to be taken care of, feel small , that bs. maybe it’s internalized misogyny that i feel like the only way i can be that is as a girl.

i also think i just have no idea what it would really feel like to go about the world non-binary. like i just want to keep blending into the background. i don’t want to be that noticeably different, i’m already autistic.

i think it’s also weird bc since middle school have been having periodic gender crisises but they always end in me just getting embarrassed, finding transmeds on the internet and also getting embarresed, not wanting to stop being feminine, or deciding it’s just not worth it.

and i think another thing is, i’ve always felt more connected to girls, but always on the outskirts of that, but that might just be because i’m autistic. but like i’m feminine in the sense that i like dresses. and being taken care of that and that shit. girls tend to really fucking irk me a lot of the times. i don’t really feel “connected” to them, more like “stuck” with them but making the best of it. some are pretty cool :) tbh it’s mostly just other autistic or queer girls i vibe with. other than that.. i struggle a lot to feel connected.

speaking of being autistic.... i’m realizing a lot of what i’m feeling is similar to how i felt when i first started to consider that i was autistic. when i was alone or in a space i was totally comfy in, i felt very confident that i was autistic. but when i was around people, i was like no i’m definitely not. and even now. i know i mask whenever i’m not alone. but i’m literally so fucking used to it it’s not hard at all. it hardly feels like a mask. just a different version of me. not the most authentic, but it’s how i operate around others. so whatever. not what i like per say. but in most cases, i can deal with it and still be perfectly happy (ish). this is exactly how i feel about all of this gender shit.

but i think part of my hesitancy to identify like this is i’ve never met ppl irl who identify as non-binary. that wouldn’t be a group for me to find and relate to and be comfortable with, i’d just be the different one. and i’m already different. and people don’t really get neopronouns and that shit.

ok and i’m anxious about my boyfriend as well. he’s a straight guy, idk how he’d feel about me being non binary. but i don’t want to sacrifice our relationship, so it’d be fine, because i also like my name and pronouns now. i like the shortened version of my name better tbh but i think my name sounds cool. mostly because saying it is a vocal stim for me, same with my partners name fore some reason. i just think they’re good names. they feel good to hear and say. and i’ve always been described that way and i’m like yeah that’s me.

i like dresses. feminine clothes? yes pleaseee. i like how girl are generally the ones who get taken care of. i like feeling small and dainty. i like being silly and cute. but like ... silly and cute arent like “girl things”?? but idk.

but i like “girl”. not “ladies” or “woman”. that feels too much like “female” and the only time i feel like i relate to that at all is in very specific situations. i’m feminine. i like that. i wish i could be feminine in an androgynous way tho????????

TL;DR: closing thoughts. if i were the only person on earth and i could do whatever i wanted like magically. i would change my appearance to look like my picrew... but like for an ex think Crona from Soul Eater of Ed from Cowboy Bebop. both of them are androgynous but when i see both of them i’m like they’re kinda feminine too! like that’s what i want to look like. i’d probably go by Citrus and neopronouns and maybe she/her (they’re fine but i feel like i’m lying about being non binary when i use them). ya know. how i want to be. but in reality. i am scared of that. it sounds like a lot of work and a big change that i could probably never really achieve. i also hate change. and constantly explaining shit.

also do cis people PINE over this shit the way i am? i’ve done this multiple times for years. not consistently bc tbh i have other shit i need to spend energy on but when i’m not pouring energy into somewhere else i tend to circle back to this. maybe that’s a sign that i’m right.