#i really like her i cant quite articulate why

[cent-scratchnsniff]

binah and the line that wouldnt leave my mind for some reason

[ms-all-sunday]

please give us your Nami thoughts, I love your takes on her. It can be about anything you're currently thinking about but if I could pick then could you talk in depth about what you think about the Nami & Ussop dynamic ? Like yeah it doesn't need explanation about why they're my favorite duo among the strawhats but some of the things you've said about Nami and Ussop individually were not things I had thoughts about before so I want to know what you think of Usopp & Nami

i love nami forever thank you anon this is so sweet and i feel so appreciated. i hope i dont let you down. i'll do both!

i think i havent talked formally on this blog about how nami is written in most fanfiction to other people, but i try to emphasize in my fanfiction the fact she's an abuse victim since I feel that's one of her most apparent traits. the way that she deals with trauma is very reliant on exclusively herself, something i don't think is talked about a lot is that her expectation of what she is told is true is not only reflective of how pirates are known to the god fearing public (indicative of propaganda) but that she exclusively sees herself as the exception to a lot of rules, there's this inherent close-mindedness she has but won't ever really get rid of, that naunce and the room for things to go positively can't fit within her self perception.

this is because she believes she is the only thing in life she can control, and it's a necessary self-perception to maintain the inner worldview she has.

this of course is a survival instinct inherited from her childhood. but what it speaks to i think is that in real life and one piece the anime, that abuse victims (children and teens especially) can come out with a cynical view of the world and externalize that onto others (advocating for the current dysfunctional societal systems for example like nami does in repeating wg propaganda) simply because of how much we alienate them and how that continues to give no hope to people looking for community and understanding.

i like usopp and nami. theyre my favourite dynamic as well! i think something nami is able to do with usopp and nobody else (even with women) is give him the benefit of the doubt. i think this is because she relates to him

(i think she has bpd as well but i cant decide whether thats my legitmate reading of the text or me projecting. i write her like she has bpd. you decide.)

if we look at water 7 i think she's the most sympathetic of the usopp apologists because she was very obviously coming at it from a place of understanding from usopps emotional perspective (because she relates to him and loves him) in a way that nobody else really was articulating. because she's been in that situation where she's successfully alienated herself from everybody she loves in a way nobody else on that crew related to usopp (and by extension robin) on that crew during water 7.

nami doesnt just have a relationship to usopp she could have with no other man she has a relationship to usopp she couldn't have with anybody. i think. usopp is the only one who can cross the invisible boundary of the fact she expects you to be a kiss ass towards her lest you get consequences but usopp isnt a kiss ass to her and there are no consequences. (in fact usopp is quite snarky/mean to her, which is how he is when he isn't masking and completely confident in himself: see end of enies lobby) she apologizes to him when he's snarky to her in thriller bark.

since this is a nami themed post i won't talk about usopp as much. but have you noticed? usopp is mean when he's comfortable with people. he has this attitude at the end of enies lobby as they're escaping on the merry, i think i registered it subconsciously but i only did register it consciously a few weeks ago, but if usopp is truly comfortable he's not a kiss-ass whatsoever. and he's never a kiss ass with nami.

we don't really think about it like this because people are so prone to dismiss usopp is one of those characters that have a facade of palatability when he feels he's not on the same level as someone, coming from his insecurity, but in regards to his genuine attitude we see in enies lobby and with nami that admiration is not the true breath of how he thinks about zoro or sanji or luffy. he thinks they're fucking stupid as well. and he's right. (this exact thing is another reason nami is able to emphasize with him. she thinks similarly)

this ties into both nami and usopps implementation as shonen characters. they're smart and witty and have big personalities to differentiate them from the more powerful characters, i feel this juxtaposition with more traditional shonen characters has made oda feel like he has to justify both usopp and namis existences in the story in a way he doesn't with the other characters. i think it's this element that makes them the most consistently well written throughout every arc they appear in as opposed to the other 7.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Alright, today yesterday I read chapters 17-21 and I sure have a lot of thoughts about Rhysand now. can you guess if theyre positive or negative? I'll give you a hint, its not the one that starts with a p

But before we get into that, can I just say, why the hell is everything happening so goddamn quickly YOURE ALL IMMORTAL. like, heres a rough timeline of acomaf so far: three months of Feyre being miserable in Spring post-UTM, then Rhysand takes her for one week, then Feyre's back in Spring for three weeks, then Rhysand takes her again for one week, then its less than three weeks of Feyre being back in Spring before Tamlin locks her in the manor and Rhysand and Mor take her back to the Night Court. Its been barely half a year! The reason Im bringing that up is first of all, it very much seems like Feyre is already beginning to warm up Rhysand at this point when that is absolutely not enough time for that after what he did to her. And second of all, theyre already demanding so much of her when everyone except for Rhys hasnt even spent 24 hours with her in total. And she just agrees to everything?? Right off the bat, basically the only way this makes any sense is if Rhysand is mind controlling her

Also, this is only semi-related, but i swear I remember Mor wearing a red dress to their first get-together at the HoW and Feyre not reacting to it at all ?? Also, Cassian siphons, they were specifically like a fire-y red what the hell. Now, was that just a mistake or did Rhysand use his mind powers to turn off the part of Feyre's brain that gets triggered at the sight of the color red so she wouldnt ruin his family reunion? You decide.

Alright, now lets talk about Feyre. Ive had some trouble properly analysing her the past few chapters because I was really focused on trying to figure out what exactly made her so unhappy at the spring court vs why she likes the night court so much when they seem very similar. It seemed like her motivation was flip-flopping all over the place, similar to chapters 1-3, but she already came across as far less traumatized somehow, so it felt weird that she would still have so much trouble really articulating what she wants, even to herself. But then I realized, its not that shes flip-flopping, her motivations are just contradictory; she wants to be an important political player who gets to Do Stuff but she doesnt want anyone to pay any attention to her, which is why having an empty title and no actual power staying in a city full of people who dont care if their high lord is just walkin around right beside them is so appealing

And its really frustrating because its another instance of her just getting what she wants right away instead of having to go through any character development. Shes bad at communicating and instead of even attempting to work on that, she just gets a mindreader for a soulmate, and she cant do smalltalk with nobles in order to earn their respect as Lady of Spring and instead of learning to adapt or putting her foot down and refusing to deal with the courtly bullshit at the cost of her political power, she just gets a leadership position that was quite literally made for her.

Somewhat related to Feyre being bad at politicking, they keep bringing up the fact that Tamlin just wanted her to throw parties and wear pretty dresses and maybe pop out some sons at the spring court and its just so annoying. Of course, much has already been said about how ironic it is when you consider how she ends up in ACOSF so Im not gonna go into detail on that but I did want to mention it. Also, parties and other social gatherings were a pretty important way for (noble) women who were kept out of politics to still participate in them in the past, and even if we take out the misogyny that just suddenly materialized in this book, Feyre cant read, doesnt know this land and barely knows what its like being the daughter of a rich guy, much less an actual noblewoman, of course she cant do much but sit around and reassure people that everything is gonna be alright by virtue of her presence

Speaking of the weird misogyny, its so baffling to me the reason shes being objectified and dehumanized (no pun intended) is that shes a woman whos seen as only good for child-rearing, when it really should be her being objectified and being dehumanized by being put on a pedestal for being the Saviour Of Prythian. It seems so obvious like, Ive been rotating some ideas for an ACOMAF-rewrite AU type thing in my head since before I even started reading this book, and one of the first things I decided was that everyone was gonna call feyre The Cursebreaker and nothing else and she would feel really weird and bad about it. I literally dont think anything wouldve changed if her being objectified was a more personal issue rather than something resulting from systemic misogyny, other than the fact that Rhysand couldnt be a feminist in-universe if that was the case

Now, before I move on to the next thing I wanted to talk about, I wanna quickly explain what I mean by "the misogyny just materialized in the second book" because some people might say "oh, but the first book had misogyny as well" and it definitely did but not to the same extent. ACOTAR was kinda weird because it seems to be a pretty egalitarian world, Feyre doesnt think its weird that a woman is a mercenary and while considering that the Spring Court might have a High Lady instead of a High Lord, she doesnt say anything about how it would unusual to have a woman be a leader, but it has this coating of "period-typical misogyny" over it, seemingly just because its what you expect from these kinds of pseudo-medieval european-inspired fantasy settings

So you still get all women being expected to wear dresses and Feyre being an exception for not wanting to wear one and when Feyre daydreams about getting rid of her sisters, she daydreams about marrying them off rather than daydream about them getting jobs or something. But even with that, while Feyre is considered a bit strange for not wanting to wear a dress at the Spring Court, she still ultimately gets to just wear pants without it being a big deal. And then we get to ACOMAF and suddenly theres FGM thats completely normalized, domestic abuse, women being expected to do child rearing and "continue the bloodline" by default even though children were supposed to be super rare and fae should absolutely not structure their lives around them and Feyre being absolutely baffled at the idea of a political leader having a second-in-command thats a woman. And again, it very much seems like the only reason for that is that it makes Rhysand look better if hes recuing women in general from systemic inequality, rather than just rescuing a single woman from her personal problems

And with that, lets finally talk about my most detested, Rhysand Nolastname. He fucking sucks man. In a past post I made a point about comparing specifically ACOTAR!Tamlin with specifically ACOMAF!Rhys because it thought it made sense to compare Tamlin when hes written as a love interest to Rhys being written as a love interest, but honestly, theres so little difference between Tamlin being written as an antagonist in ACOMAF and Rhys being written as a love interest that it feels kinda pointless now. Like, Feyre is upset that Tamlin wont tell her anything about the politics happening, but is inexplicably fine with Rhysand not telling her what he wants from the summer court, she hates meeting with Tamlins associates and having meaningless smalltalk with them but likes meeting Rhysand's, she doesnt like Tamlin flaunting his wealth but is fine with all of Rhysand's expensive bullshit, literally the only difference between them is that Feyre likes one and and hates the other, again, for no real reason because they are the same. Well, the same in their treatment of Feyre, Rhysand is arguably a worse person who has done and is still doing a lot more harm on a larger scale but Im posting this in the anti-rhys tag so you already knew that

Anyway, thats it for now, this got kinda long but I hope you enjoyed it

[syrupspinner]

i am obsessed with roman sands re:build

so now im gonna talk about it for a looooooong time. you can hit j to skip posts

roman sands re:build is an upcoming game developed by arbitrary metric (paratropic) and published by serenity forge (ddlc+, lisa definitive edition, slay the princess pristine, basically if it has text boxes and is an updated release it was these guys). notably, it is a remake of a visual novel just called roman sands, but ive deliberately avoided learning anything about the older release because I don't want spoilers

it's hard to pin it to one genre. you could call it an adventure game? you take first-person control of someone... interchangeable. nobody cares about your name, and people seem to use whatever pronouns is most convenient for their perception of you in any given moment. anyway, it's your job to be the busybody at this resort. fulfill requests until the day ends, which takes four room transitions. you start in the morning when you first enter the main doors, then it goes to noon, then afternoon, then evening, then you quit

then it's the next day. you're in a time loop... probably. this is also just what working in retail is like, I've been told. every day has you do the same thing for the same people. oh, speaking of,

everybody hates you. there are four hotel guests: Betty, who will yell about hoe youre awful at your job and you should be ashamed; her husband Harold, who is scatterbrained and weak-willed but at least knows how to say thanks: Sylvia, a high-class lady who condescends at you; and... bunk

I mentioned your perception is inconsistent. Betty sees you as maliciously incompetent, Sylvia is equally insulting but in a way that's more concerned with emphasizing her own superiority, and I'm not sure if Harold even knows you work here. but bunk can flip-flop in the moment. sometimes, he sees you as one of the guys that he can talk with about the good old days where you could complement women on their bodies without them calling hr. sometimes he sees you as one of those women. he doesn't care about who you are in the slightest, you're just a means of gratifying whatever whims he has. well, the others are like that too, but bunk is the most obviously carnal.

the main gameplay loop sees you routing the most efficient way to maximize your XP gain. since entering a door advances time, and the tasks reset every loop, you can do stuff like... getting Betty's pills before she asks for them, and going through the side door so you can fetch Harold a chair before he asks for it. cutting down on backtracking means you can do as much work as possible in as short amount of time as possible, just like a real overworked minimum wage service worker!

the games design and atmosphere does a great job at distilling this sense of frantic pace-keeping. I could never play stuff like diner Dash cuz I always got overwhelmed by having to keep all the orders straight and worrying about customers getting even a little unhappy. RSr:B fixes both of those problems, the former by making everything predictable enough to plan around and account for with previous attempts explicitly not mattering. the later is addressed by making everyone a stupid jerk.

also, just because i dont realy dwell on it, the aesthetic is amazing for non-thematic reasons. i love the use of cool colours despite the tropical setting, it emphasizes the tranquility that is intended by the location, and heavily contrasts with the presence of the sun as a threat to the narrative, which emphasizes the threat's dismissal. wait shit thats a thematic reason again, fuck. i love pretty dreamcast beaches and shiny y2k ui elements and the stupid stretchy noodle people. it just looks so cool man. im and english student not an art studen so i cant really articulate why i think that without just saying its pretty and i like looking at it.

anyway, there are so many minor mechanical things that are built to goad you into hurrying the fuck up. you start each day with two minutes on the clock, and if that clock runs out, you... miss out on a little xp boost. if you walk on an arrow path to whatever task is closest, you go way faster, encouraging you to move straight from one request to the other without breathing. and you cant select responses by scrolling through a menu, you have to select it from the number row. its like in a shooter, if you couldnt use a weapon wheel and always had to quick-select, which of course encourages you to be quick

there's enough that encourages you not to get too stagnant with your loops too. first, there's a sense of mutual exclusivity. there is only one drink, and two people want it. second, there's unlockable items! this is the main use of leveling up. for example, you can get a mop to clean bunks puke (don't actually you'll softlock and the demo doesn't save) or get that checkbook Silvia wants you to sign. or a simple toolbox

ooo, another thing is the tutorial. just when youre about to enter the doors, you get a pop-up of a girl telling you stuff lie "keep your head down" and "hurry up" that dont actually tutorialize much of the gameplay itself. i think this is another deliberate satire of capitalism. the most important part about getting and maintaining a job isnt your skillset, its who you know and how well you adhere to the culture. it doesnt matter how well you do the skills if you dont know your place

also, the game is really good about teaching you things naturalistically. betty asks you for a marg (with the pop-up lady redundantly telling you to get her the marg, but this would be really helpful to the players that were very understandably overwhelmed/disoriented by being yelled at by three people at once). bring it to her and she immediately barks another order at you, which tells the player that you talk to people to get requests. then, you go outside and get her pills like she asked, and you learn about the mechanic where time pass when you go to a different area.

the main goal of the demo, the main thing you're working towards, is fixing the elevator. well youre in luck, because the thing that you get from being level 3 (which you can get in your first day if you know what youre doing) is a toolbox. its not robust enough to fix the boiler in the basement, but... actually no it cant do anything about the elevator because its too sulfur-y. from here im going to spoil the central puzzle to completing the demo, so if anything ive said sounds interesting, leave now and play it

so! if you take some time to look around, youll notice the orrery. yes thats its name, yes thats a real word, yes i also misread it as ossuary and got super concerned for a minute. the orrery it has a large yellow chunk in the middle, and a planet missing from the display. theres a solar system display in the main lobby. so take the planet thats logically missing from both displays (or just take em all and just see which one fits - its mercury btw) and put it into place. now just... rotate the display until the planets align and beam the sun from the left into into the yellow chunk and... it retracts, showing you the idea of sulfur. you can use that to fix the elevator, and then the demo ends! nothing noteworthy or worth mentioning happens after that point. nope, not even [withheld]. look i know too many people that ignore spoiler warning but i still wanna leave something for them to discover when they play the demo, because you are going to play the demo

now, with everything (audible wink) established about what this game is, lets talk about why it is that way. i know i usually jump right into the analysis assuming that the reader already knows about the game, but like, there are three people who have posted about this on tumblr. two of them are developers and im the other one.

so first and foremost, ripping the bandaid off, this game is anticapitalist as fuck. you play as a service worker that has their humanity brushed aside at best for the sake of fulfilling menial tasks. your paycheck is sporatic, and they only things you can spend it on are consumerist trash that literally does not matter. at the end of the work day you vanish into the sea, crawling right back out when the next day starts, as a metaphor for how the people being serviced by these workers see them as their job and nothing else, dehumanizing them to the point that nobody in the game realizes that youre a human being first and a worker second. your opinions and feelings dont matter, just your labour. and i dont have to tell you that the time loop represents the banal repetition of the 9-to-5.

also, its getting hotter. every day is one tick off the countdown where the sun fucks the big one and... maybe youll die, maybe youll just be in hell. this is also anticapitalist, because this is pretty obviously... fuck i dont even wanna call it a metaphor because it just kind of is climate anxiety. its mentioned once as something too far in the future to care about, if its even a problem at all, and youre expected to go about your day without thinking about it. but at the end of every day you still see it. n days until the sun dies. just ignore it, you cant do anything about it

the aesthetic plays into this too. you know im a sucker for paradise-like locals, and my favorite thing you can do in them is explore what goes on behind the curtain to make them paradise. like, in Paradise Killer, a lot of ink is spilled over human "workers" sacrificing their lives to build something that will just be scrapped for some trivial imperfection. here, you essentially play as one of the humans trying to upkeep the illusion of perfection. its supposed to be incongruent to your gameplay experience because youre just a worker, your experience doesnt matter, this is all for the guests sake. your frantic gameplay is deliberately contrasted with the serene locale and calming music

oh! the calming music! theres one track in the game that isnt a chill beat, and its... the level up music. the first thing i thought of when i saw it? a slot machine. did you know theyre often designed to have flashy and appealing scenes play out both when you win and when you lose? its to subconsciously trick your brain into thinking youre doing a better job than you are, that youre winning in some way just by continuing to pour your money away. i dont think thats a coincidence. first, slot machines are a great symbol of the evils of capitalism, a machine that only offers the "service" of a slim chance of receiving money that, realistically speaking, is dwarfed by what youve already lost. the purpose of a system is what it does, and gambling as a systemic part of life is successful in bankrupting as many vulnerable people as possible.

how does that play into roman sands re:build? well, like a slot machine, the extravagance of the music and the visuals exists to play up what youre getting. on one hand, this is just a reasonable way to design a game, emphasize gameplay rewards with something flashy so players have an increased sense of accomplishment. on the other, this is meant to convince the player that slow incremental progress towards finally earning the right to use a mop bucket is something worth celebrating. it reminds me of how often employers try to trick their employees into being satisfied with stuff like pizza parties instead of, like, raises. this may sound like a stretch to you but id like to take a moment to remind you that this game includes a gacha system for literal useless trash for no other reason than to satirize how consumerism encourages you to spend money on things that cost as little as possible, valuing consumption for consumption's sake rather than the actual value of what youre consuming. why wouldnt they extend this to also satirize how capitalism undervalues workers by withholding basic amenities and minimal compensation as a reward for doing as much as you can as fast as you can? keep working, motherfucker, maybe youll get that better toolbox soon

wage theft is one of the most common forms of abuse done to the working class. it follows, then, that it is one of the most normalized. it takes many forms, like unpaid overtime and withholding benefits. perhaps the most notable are forcing employees to purchase mandatory equipment out of pocket (a central game mechanic as discussed earlier) and asking employees to do things outside of the scope of their position. of course, this is how the gameplay works on a fundamental level. you are asked to do the work of a receptionist, a janitor, a bartender, and even a masseuse. notably, this is done by the customers and not the administration. I'll get into the lack of a distinct employer figure later, so for now I'll go into how the layman's complacency in abusive systems seems to be a major theme of the game

yknow what im gonna talk more about harold. the other guests are actively disrespectful and directly abusive to you, so Harold definitely stands out. he requests things from you politely, and shows you sincere gratitude. here's the thing though, he's TOO accepting. Betty arguably treats you the worst out of the four guests, and Harold is never seen even attempting to oppose her. he's on to something when he hears the vmmmmm vmmmm noise from the basement, because there's a giant ominous machine if unknown purpose, but Betty yells at him until he stops caring. his abuse towards you, the working class, is not through shouting insults at your capability or sexual assault or insulting your personhood directly. it's through witnessing you be mistreated, and embracing it as the status quo, making the most requests to you out of everybody. at least when the others dehumanize you they're blunt about it, but Harold being the nicest person while still only seeing you as a worker to be commanded stings in a special way. being treated this way is normal, it's the best you can hope for

not only does Harold serve an important role in showing how complacency in an abusive system helps perpetuate it just the same as active participation, but he also more specifically connects to the climate change metaphor. just as all the guests mistreat you in a unique way, they all dismiss the growing heat in unique ways. bunk notices it, but is too caught in his vices and self-loathing to really care that much about the realistic consequences inplied by the fucking su dying. betty says that shes fine with an awful thing happening to everyone because itll probably hurt the people she hates, meaning she definitely votes conservative. and Harold, having heard all this, questions it but soon blissfully dismisses his concerns, a toxic positivity urging him that things always turn out for the best. the other viewpoints are selfish in self-explanatory ways, with Harold representing the climate deniers who see the topic as too confusing and complicated to hold a proper opinion on. Harold I'm shoving a microphone in your face how do you feel about the conflict in the middle east

did you notice i didnt mention sylvia? she doesnt comment. she takes the moment to passively insult those shes around. between you and me, i think she knows more than she lets on, it seems too much like shes deliberately dodging the topic. also, from the way she talks about couture later, specifically upholding it as something godly and unfit for mere cattle (the player) it kinda feels like she has to be in some higher position. or being on the same level as the lower-class that she demonstrably hates is really starting to get to her, and she feels the need to distance herself from the likes of us.

let's get back to the lack of an employer figure. depending on how you interpret [withheld] it can be theorized that kara (yes thats her name no you didnt miss anything) holds this role, especially since it seems to be her in the tutorial pop-ups. I disagree with this for more wide-scope reasons, I think you sincerely washed up in shore one day. the doyalist explanation is that it is how all workers are seen to operate. the working class is not envisioned by those they serve as having lives outside of their job. how often have you considered what your cashier's hobbies might be? their family, their weekend plans, their politics? youre probably just waiting for the card reader to let you scan and go home, all you're worried about is the service provided by their labour. I'm using "you" but I do this exact shit all the time too, to be clear. anyway, it further emphasizes the guests dehumanization of you in their perception. they can imagine that when a human works at a job, they answer to a boss. but when presented with a service, a worker just becomes a means to that end, and their humanity is replaced by their labour.

even if you didn't disappear into the sea, it wouldn't make any difference to them, they only think about you to acknowledge when you're not performing with proper efficiency, just like how you don't think about your clothes until they stop fitting, or you don't comment on roads without potholes, because there's nothing remarkable about meeting expectations.

so. what's up with that anyway. I've yapped about metaphors and figurative representation for a while now, but what's the lore? well, fuck if I know, it's a demo. but I've got some theories

theory one, it's a simulation. that would make sense with what is presented to us in the [withheld] segment, and also explain the time loop succinctly. the vmmmmmm machine could be some sort of core of the simulation? the lobby is full of larger-than-life paintings and sculptures, which may be foreshadowing that the entire world you're in is also man made (also, since i dont bring it up anywhere, i like how youre surrounded by art by never encouraged to interact with it, highlighting how capitalist obligation prevents us from truly appreciating the artistic). it is all but told to you that you're an interchangeable replacement for a previous employee, whatever happened to them, and some sort of matrix-style disposable humanity schema would fit right in to that. for the rest I can just say "it's like that one visual novel" and I think most of you will get it

theory two, it's the afterlife. it would make sense considering the location is called paradise in marketing. sulfur as an element is heavily associated with demons, so perhaps there's meant to be some symbolism that's made more solid in later parts of the game? here i can say its interesting that you obtain it by stepping outside of your role and not adhering to commands, which can parallel an angel disobeying the will of god. and using it to actively solve the problem could represent breaking traditional thought with new ways of thinking outside of doctrine? i dunno, it's hard to really say what it represents in the grand scheme before I've like, played the whole thing. also, that could mean [withheld] is a flashback to before you were conscripted into servitude (read: died), especially since the store page specifies that its post-apocalyptic. the cow imagery gains a double meaning here as well: they're seen as livestock meant to be literally churned into product, but hinduism sees them as sacred. something something essential worker, most see the proletariat as a disposable beast of meat, the animal itself just a means to an end of what they produce, but a select enlightened subsect of the world understand their importance to upkeeping society. which i guess are marxists in this metaphor? again ive only played the demo so this is 70% extrapolation

oh, speaking of cows, you can find a cow that has suffocated from neglect. I think this can connect to the whole worker dehumanization theme, but my intuition tells me it'll be more relevant to the [withheld] parts, in a way that is complimentary but still stands alone. god that part is so interesting, kara just could not wait to talk about dying. the voice actress nailed that shit

okay one last thing. the release was originally planned for summer 2023. its almost 2025 and the steam page still says "coming soon". completely sincerely: good shit. it would be hilariously pathetic to overwork for an arbitrary metric deadline when the entire game is like, about how shit that specific practice is. I love to see devs taking their time to make things the best they can.

if you can't tell I'm. kind of excited for this game. i dont usually go this in-depth but the thought of this thing instills the innate autistic urge to yap deep within my soul. but like i said earlier i dont really have the capacity to talk about stuff like how it looks and how it plays without just blindly gushing. did you know in the gameplay reveal trailer on serenity forge's youtube channel, your character nudges forward a little bit whenever they pick something up? this doesnt seem to still be the case, as interacting with objects now gives a full-screen prompt with the option to pick it up or examine it. also you dont seem to be any further forward when the prompt goes away.

okay. im gonna try and be less biased and come up with a critique. um, the demo could benefit from a save system, since its pretty easy for players who are taking their time and taking in the atmosphere to spend over an hour on this. you could argue that since the game is about going fast and being efficient through time loops that its not that big of a deal, and i agree! if a player quits the demo halfway through they can get back to where they were pretty quickly. but the demo does have a few glitches, like moments where it softlocked on a selection menu and it forced me to alt+f4. i know this'll be fixed in the full game anyway though so who cares.

uhhh i can see people being thrown off my having to click the mouse to advance dialogue but not being able to click menu options? i explained earlier how i think thats thematically resonant, but themes or no themes its still an inconvenience that players might have a problem with. the game has the colours and animations so built-in to how it works im not sure how robust the accessibility options are gonna be but that remains to be seen. but players are already complaining that the demo made em motion sick so i hope people sensitive to that kinda thing still have a chance to enjoy this. theres also how it isnt very obvious that you can select other planets in the lobby solar system but the dev said theyd improve that for the full release so im not gonna make a redundant suggestion.

um. there are probably. other things? accessibility/approachability is pretty important, but im just trying to be considerate of other potential players. if youre asking about what i, personally, think needs to be improved i can think of much. maybe if you play you can find a flaw, cuz i sure didnt. when you play the demo, let me know if i missed anything! i feel like i discover something new to talk about every time i launch this thing, which... is too often i think

this post is 4000 words. its almost 4 am. play the demo for roman sands re:build and add it to your steam wishlist.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

I just finished season 4 and unlike with the others I didnt have a whole lot to say as a was watching, mainly because I was actually enjoying myself and thought the season was mostly really good ? absolutely wild. Nevertheless I have some thoughts

I LOVE Alya and Marinette working together, its a delight. When I talk about "man can you imagine if MLB did like a magical girl show and focused on female friendships instead of catfighting" THIS is what Im talking about!! And Idgaf about how this affects the Love Square at this point, this is all Ive wanted! Also, I feel like Alya and Nino knowing each others identities cheapens the Love Square conflict more than anything but I cant fully articulate why so I'll just leave it at that

The Love Square is in a very strange place where, when the identity reveal finally does happen, its simultaneously going to feel like its too little too late (a la the destiel confession bc this fucking show is just straight queerbaiting) and rushed because like. what kind of development is there between these two. They barely focused on romance this season (which is definitely part of why I think its better lol) but I dont mean that in the sense that we had less catfights and Marinette making a fool of herself for no reason, I mean that in the sense that it barely felt like they interacted at all, atleast to me so thats kinda odd

In the past Ive complained about how the civillian plotline usually feels very disconnected from the superhero/akuma plotline and I think theyve done a much better job, my favorite episode of the season is probably Qilin both for tying the akuma into the civillian plot and for having a somewhat unique conflict resolution. In general, I liked that we had people rejecting akumas as well as preventative measures in form of the charms, although I do think it sucks that a few episodes afterwards Shadowmoth just figures out a way to circumvent them and then its back to business as usual. I feel like a better workaround would be that the charms can only protect you from one akumatization each, so like, the charm Ladybug gave her grandfather in Simpleman can only protect him from becoming Simpleman again, but if he turns into Bakerix, she needs to give him a different charm. But I do find the charms cute

The new heroes all suck tbh, the only design I liked was Purple Tigress and Pigella came close to looking kinda good but then they made it this intensely unflattering shade of pink, which I find impressive because Rose is already wearing an completely different intensely unflattering shade of pink in her civillian form. One thing that I appreciated about whatever Mylenes superhero form is called, Pigella and Purple Tigress is that they had more justifiable reasons for Ladybug to pick them than most of the heroes in the last season, who were mostly just picked because They Were There ig. And then Penealteam rolled around and we were back to doing exactls that kind of bullshit. great.

Also, Ive already talked about this in a seperate post, but if they absolutely insisted on looking for a replacement for the Bee, it shouldve been Sabrina and they shouldntve invented a whole new character for it

Adrien got a little more focus this season and we actually got some insight into his character when hes not either The Object Of Marinettes Idolization or Ladybugs Punny Sidekick Thats Slowly Becoming Obsolete which I enjoyed because he has a lot of potential from a dramatic standpoint what with being Hawkmoths son and all, but hes usually so bland that I dont really care too much so this was pretty nice. And it only took us 4 seasons for him to get some focus, yknow, the other superhero in the title? Well better late than never I guess

Speaking of Adrien, Ive made quite a few posts where I said that this season would be ruined for me the second the Sentiadrien reveal happens but it never did, we're getting that in season 5 and I am not looking forward it especially considering the small taste Ive already gotten of it with Adrien being very obviously controlled by that ring. Like, I'll probably talk about it in more detail when it gets fleshed out in the show but for now I'll just say it doesnt make the stakes higher like the writers seem to think, it make the story wayyyy less interesting and it feels like its supposed to be an explanation for Adriens behaviour towards his father when we absolutely do not need one beyond "hes being abused"

I know I said that I thought this season was really good and now Im just just complaining mostly like I always do but idk, Im not as good at formulating my positive thoughts as my negative ones. The last thing I'll say is that I loved Scarabella and I loved her design and I loved the whole episode she was in, as well as the entirety of Sentibubbler, Alya really served this season

Thats it, thanks for reading :D

[gayspock]

ok some thoughts

ok i do have complicated feelings on nat's death. firstly like air this one out rq: real fucking fuming that some ppl serioussllyyyyy are attacking freaking juliette for it, like? ok.... so your response to "its really fucked up that they killed nat who had finally found peace and was starting to overcome her addiction etc." was to attack the actress who has every right to leave a job if she wants to. i guess in other news 1+1=4.

but anyways sigh i have mixed feelings like.... i think theres a Part of me that kind of. ok. super unpopular opinion bc i know this ME & my own cyncism and "issues" or whatever & kinda shy to say this both bc it makes me look edgy as fuck but also like.... idk as someone whos had mental health problems, lets say, and has sort of resigned to this idea of like. oh i died a long time ago & theres a point in my life where i just think i stayed , and i dont think theres any way of going back, something something about living on borrowed time and it feeling meaningless . or whatever. stares at you pretend i didnt say all that. my point is i dont know i kind of- its bc i dont wannaaaa say ppl cant recover, that natalie was too far gone, this that and the other, bc i dont think you can make those judgements abt others (fictional or not) only yourself but... idk my point is. i fuckin get it when shes on the plane like that, as shes dying or just dying when she felt like she should have bc ever since its just been fucking horrible and well okay. sorry man i do kinda feel it even though i acknowledge its a shitty message.

i dont think it helps either that her "recovery arc" wadnt my favourite not bc i like. AGAIN im not saying this bc i dont think you can recover or get better its more like.. i was never a fan of the execution of it. i felt like it happened a bit too fast, and i would have preferred more scenes with natalie and lottie rather than natalie and lisa and natalie and the rest of the cult and i feel like that would have been more powerful to me bc the cult themselves feel kind of just... underdeveloped, and very much functional as a means for lottie and whats going on with her . i fully expect them to never be mentioned again after some point and to be completely ignored with the way this show has been going

and like i dont mind lisa that much but i dont now im kinda uninterested in characters that just get introduced and we immediately get SO much focus on them when theres, as i said , other more interesting and efficient ways to explore similar things (natalie and lottie a better dynamic for example) AND other stuff thats getting ignored big time.

like as an aside. i dont mind lisa as much BUT one example is also fucking walter and i dont like how theyre using him to kinda reduce misty to a bit of a joke AND cheap out on her own development (i think she can carry fine on her fucking own without him) but also bc he takes up so much runtime with his goofy little bits that just dont do it for me when again we're missing other shit from, like, FUCKING SIMONE FOR EXAMPLE whos barely been mentioned which is crazy. actually crazy. that she has barely been mentioned and tai's whole storyline has been ignored like that

but anyway even with lisa, i dont know- the whole thing with going to se her family, ugh... call me a jaded asshole, but like it just felt so. unsubtle. with the waythat whole scene was kinda executed. is that a cunt thing to say. but i dont know theres also other parts of the cult i just cant fuckin vibe with- i just feel like its so... clumsily done at times, and i cant quite articulate why i think that.

anyways . i get why a lot of ppl dont like natalies death in the end bc yeah it is kinda... a shitty message to send, even if i do kinda feel like well yeah damn yeah you know. but like also i do think theres the other obvious issue of like... with the way this show is, and as good as it is, i feel like theres gonna be more problems that develop and exacerbate over time. i really feel like they needed to introduce more characters earlier on and/or reveal less in present day bc whilst i dont think the tension is everything , and i dont think the shock value of ppl being hunted/dying in the past timeline is everything i do think its gonna have effects on the present time line and them trying to compensate. nd anyway now theyre just gonna do shit like try to tragically kill the women in the present vis a vis nat for like kinda no reason imo bc i do think it was . ultimately such a weird fucking way for her to die and to end even if i did resonate with her dying scene

and i do think there IS some bite that kinda being lost and its a bit weird when they write themselves into holes and have to try and flesh out new characters in the past that we know are just gonna straight up die so soon. a

its why i also didnt really like the idea of krystal. fuck i dont like the idea of krystal and walter being introduced to have a rapport with misty and i think thats just bc i LIKED her being alone . i liked no one fucking liking her. maybe its bc i projected too hard, but also its just like... i dont know it feels so fucking WEIRD that misty has had 0 friends and then she incidentally only just realises that some girl on the soccer team shes been orbitting for forever is like her type of weird and whatever whatever bah bah bah LIKE... theyre clearly trying to spin stuff for her to do, the same with the inclusion of walter, and its like. i dont know again in MY opinion and maybe its my fault for both projecting and setting an expectation but... i think a much more interesting thing to explore would be ownership of herself and her own fucking weirdness and being able to do that alone without needing the validAation of the others . am i crazy. like again i keep thinking abt her in the future and her and walt and ugh how much more i would love it if it was her fighting by herself to try and get natalie out of there. YES its harder to execute in a tv show but i do think it owuld be so much more interesting than taking the . in my opinion lazier route of just sticking in other characters to use to give her storylines

anyway what else was i gonna say fuck this was meant to be about natalie yeah like. thats also what im kinda mad at and why i dont like the inclusion of the extras like walter and lisa, like... i thinkits so much stronger when its just focussing on the dynamics of the girls (and their established ties, from the beginning of s1, i.e callie or simone, etc.) and i think mistys arc this season would have been better if it was a focus on her and nat, even if it was totally onesided rather than fucking walter and

ok im done can i also say. cant wait for shauna to ascend to antler queen in the current timeline. let her go fucking insane i say

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

11/3/2024

MY SCHOOL KEEPS HAVING EVENTS TO GO TO THE AQUARIUM BUT IT’S ALWAYS EVERY SINGLE TIME AT THE EXACT SAME AQUARIUM THAT IS 3 HOURS AWAY, I WANNA GOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!1!!1! PICK A DIFFERENT ONE THAT IS CLOSER TO ME FOR ONCE, THERE ARE A DOZEN AQUARIUMS IN OUR STATE. GOSH. I CANNOT DRIVE SIX HOURS FOR A SINGLE DAY ONE EVENT TRIP!!!!!! let me see the FISHIES !!!!!!

but anyway, as a recap:

The friend I said blocked me because I scared him away had actually done so because he got with an abusive girl who forced him to block literally everyone, including MY MOM. MY MOTHER. After he broke up with her he unblocked me and explained the situation and now we’re back to being #besties forever again. I got in a QPR with the friend who’s play I went to and then we “broke up” (I said I wasn’t comfortable with dating anymore and expressed that I didn’t want it to change our relationship, which they said it wouldn’t. Real SHOCKER that didn’t happen. Though I don’t believe they are “in the wrong” for this, they can’t control their feelings.) and now we aren’t talking much anymore. BUT I’ve been texting this SUPER cool person I met a year ago and got to speak to again at their joint birthday party. They’re so awesome and I wanna be bestest friends but it’s difficult cause they live so far awayyyy. ):

And now currently:

I’m tired. I’ve gotten better, I’ve improved in the past few months. I’ve improved significantly even from the days when I was talking about how I’ve gotten so much better. I am constantly consistently improving whether or not I’m able to notice it at the time. I know this logically. But right now I’m in a depression. I had a manic episode a minute ago and now I am quite depressed. My sleep is whack, my eating is just as bad, my hygiene is getting worse. There was a point a little bit ago where I was consistently sleeping well and brushing my teeth daily, which was insane bcus I didn’t even think that was possible. But because I always let my bipolar get the best of me and refuse to medicate I’m back to the habits I’ve always had.

To show how I’ve felt, because I’m too tired to articulate it all over again, here’s a copy-paste of some messages I sent to my best friend on 10/22, 13 days ago:

“this morning mama made me come into her room to work on my schoolwork while i was tired and annoyed, cause i have two late assignments, and it made me wanna get worse to like “punish” her or something. (edgy.) like oh im not doing good enough? im not doing as well as i was earlier in the year? im doing everything wrong and you need to supervise me to make sure im actually working when i want to sleep because im tired and dont want to be alive? well what if i starved and starting hurting myself again fucking god just let me sleep i dont want to exist but i have to get up and get on my stupid eye bleeding computer because mama isnt “doing this with me anymore” and says i cant sleep all day and stay up all night and i need to get all of my schoolwork done every day. which i logically understand is because she cares about me and wants me to listen to her and doesnt want me to spiral and get in a terrible place but i feel like what is even the point.”

“why do i do anything whats the point of being alive i hate doing anything and everything except being with my friends and thats barely something i get to do. i just want to sleep forever nothing makes me really actually happy or content anymore. why am i even alive. im really depressed right now if you csnt tell i think im habing an episode”

“manic goes straight to depression sigh”

“i hate being bipolar im gonna fucking kill myself” (/nsrs)

I was improving about this mentally, feeling better again. But me and my mom had another chat about my parents possibly getting divorced, which is something we’ve had discussions about for a while. Just me and her. And I have known in my heart, that despite what she says; My father will most likely not get better or improve and she will divorce him one day, I just don’t know when that day is. And I’ve been content with that because I know if it did happen a lot would change but it would be for the best, and all I want is for my parents to be the happiest they can be, living the best lives they can. If my mother were to make that decision it’d be because it was the only choice to protect her safety health and wellbeing, she would never do something like that lightly. But when we were talking she said if they got divorced they’d have to sell the house and we’d most likely move into an apartment, which made me start crying because I wasn’t aware of that. I’d never thought of that. That they wouldn’t be able to afford it anymore.

And now because of that, I’m currently feeling like. What’s the point of anything. Why do I even exist. Why do I do the things that make me happy if I’m just going to lose it all tomorrow. What will I even have by then. I’m going to lose everything, I’m going to lose my parents marriage and my house and my entire livelihood. There’ll be no chance for me at that point, the only reason I’ve been improving is because I’ve been here in a safe comfortable place. The whole ordeal is going to ruin me. And it’s going to be all my fault because everything is always my fault.

I’m so tired. I just want. To sleep. It’s 1:03 AM. So I will.

[cowes]

Ordeal By Innocence anon again, for real, I love to hear your thoughts: It does seem like every time Rachel does something she instantly has a lot of regret, with Hester, with confessing Kirsten's secret to Jack, she immediately regrets it, but the damage is still done you know. And yet she hates what she's done in the name of image, but she just can't quite let it go. And also, if Hester is 18 when the show starts... jesus christ that's so much to deal with at that age. And not to word vomit, but 4 episodes was not enough to sit with these guys. Like we see that Mickey has issues with self harm from such a young age. How did that start and where does that impulse come from. Like where did each of them come from, what are their backgrounds. I don't even know how to articulate everything. But you're right, Ella's performance is really sweet, but not exactly innocent, like that moment with the constable? I think in episode 2 where she smiles and acts friendly with him and then sends that look to Tina. And she's the one that is the most outwardly guilty, but also understanding? Like she understands why someone would snap, maybe better than any of them, for the depths of what Rachel did to her. And Mary digs at that and she's the one to get physical first in response. But then Mary is the one holding her when Rachel is murdered. And then her hiding the liquor in the bathroom, like is she a teenager, early twenty year old just hiding booze from her parents or did she develop a problem after everything that happened. And also that scene after Philip assaults her like smoking under the tree and physically trying to erase what happened... man I could go on and on

hey bestieee. (laughing at 'ordeal by innocence anon' as if i have any other anon) as usual u have it so right, this time about rachel. what a fascinating character. she loves kirsten so much that its actually a bit confusing that she just spills her deepest darkest secret in a moment of spite. and then begs for her forgiveness, scared and confused, when she's been hit on the head and is dying. (in a way that's very reminiscent of her panic attacks in the prepper bunker). also the existence of the prepper bunker is so interesting. jack said this:

You're such a gutless fraud, Mother. Smiling like there's nothing wrong. But you built a nuclear bunker in the cellar in case the bombs start falling, so I know you're terrified, I know you're a mess. Just admit it. Stop smiling. Stop pretending. And, in return, I'll stop.

and he has her completely right. i suspect that was the writers using jack as a mouthpiece.

as for the children's backgrounds. i remember this. mary was adopted first, quite young, but unknown background. jack was second, born from kirsten and leo. hester was third, unknown background. tina and mickey were adopted last, at the same time - seems like it was during ww2 bc of the gas mask boxes. mickey seems like he has a london accent (?) and its possible that they were just billeted at first but later adopted - but that's my speculation.

um - i hate to break this but this interview with ella says that she was 18 in the main timeline (c. summer 1956) but younger in flashbacks. (im pretty sure flashbacks begin summer 1953 and end with the murder on christmas eve 1954, which would make hester 15 - 16ish years old). it's all pretty yikes. personally i imagine her as older. because my brain cant handle all that. so "early twenty year old" - once again, u r sooooo right.

mickey is very quiet, but he has a lot of personality ur so right. and the self-harm thing i think i only really picked up on in rewatches. cut himself during childhood lessons with rachel, had to eat with a spoon at dinner because not trusted with a knife, cigarrette burns, has MULTIPLE knife tattoos?? bruh. theres a lot going on there, so much, but he isnt going to talk about it. i think he struggles a lot with self-image. the fact that he's kept his accent. the fact that mary suggests he try to seduce gwenda to stop the marriage.... it all suggests a certain image that certain members of the family (rachel, leo, mary) have of him that he possibly leans into for protection. but the self harm is.... yeah, lot to think about.

mary. oh mary. i love you mary. so cruel and insecure and tragic and petty. horrible husband. horrible life that she isnt happy with. i truly think that after the events of the story she could have been the most well off. rid of the terrible people in her life, new relationships with siblings, new sense of purpose. of course all that would come with crushing anxieties and trauma but we stay positive in this house!!!!

lastly, i just want to say that i never read the books and from what i gather from r/agathachristie is that they dont like this adaption. its okay. all of this extra, dark stuff is added by sarah phelps. ultimately i enjoy it but if we're speculating on why it exists in the story when none of it gets really properly examined, i think that it was added for edginess. that said, i think it was really really effective. i love worldbuilding, i love hints at deeper characters, i love using my imagination. the demons got me on this one.

[blogblogbloggittyblog]

may 11-14, 2022

im gonna try to write about my feelings again because maybe thatll make me feel less like shit all the fucking time. i dont even understand why im so upset about this. like. i think its cuz i romanticized the shit out of him and let myself believe that he liked me and i kinda allowed myself to be vulnerable around him and that he was there when me and noah broke up so he like kinda helped me a lot that night and idk he is rly nice and maybe i was literally in love with him or still am. and maybe the problem is that i realized how shitty that i am that he couldn’t even wanna be friends with me. maybe im such a selfish manipulative bitch that even he couldnt handle it. and i thought that he liked me and maybe that made me feel good about myself. but also i felt like shit because i fucking cheated on noah basically. and he told me i deserved better and i thought he would be the better one but he had a girlfriend and that already made me feel like shit and that time we kissed it was the most pathetic thing ive ever done because it was bad. it was bad and he thinks im pathetic and idk how to stop it i think the root issue is that i think that he thinks im a pathetic stupid idiot bitch liar. and maybe i am. god i hate him but i have no right to because all ive heard is good things about him. god. what the fuck. i need to move on from this but i quite literally dont know how to do that without getting some sort of closure but also THATS SO FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE U DIDNT DO ANYTHING AND HE DOESNT OWE U ANYTHING god.

-----

think the main issue is that im not a good person and i hate people who are better than me and i guess that makes me even worse. like i hate cameron because she’s quite literally perfect. and it makes me fucking hate myself. shes so pretty and confident and smart and articulate and talented and she has all that i want rly. i saw her and thomas adams today and it literally made me wanna die. im never gonna have that. no matter how much i delude myself into thinking that im this nice hot smart person. no one has ever wanted me for more than a year. if that. i hate myself. i genuinely can’t think of one thing i like about myself. because im not good at school. im not good at art, i havent made a single decent thing in like half a year, i dont do anything outside of school, im ugly, and not skinny, and a liar and im not a good daughter. i hate myself. i think i like being in relationships because then the person can fall in love with some weird fake version of me and i can believe that maybe im half-decent. harry is just another example of how i cant maintain relationships that i care abt. i dont even think i have any genuine friends. im pretty sure they all dislike me severely. god. i. suck.

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im literally in love w him or smth because he’s so nice and i want him to fucking like me too i wish he did how do i get him to like me but also i want noah back because it was so much easier and i could just love him and he loved me and it wasn’t turbulent and weird. and dustin is nice but that’s abt it. i like him but that’s all there is to it and i feel bad for like asking him on a date cuz fuck. but harry is different because he doesn’t even like me lnao and i want him to like me so bad i want him to be in love with me and go out w me and be my fucking bf and it’s so stupid and pathetic but i like him sm

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impermanence of life it’s funny how i really thought we were gonna be together for a long time and how i thought i’d love him for so long not just him but seb too like i thkught she was it like that was the end and it’s so scary how blinding and deceiving and deluding it is to be in love or at least think that u are. even when i tried to be so so so overly pessimistic and realistic with noah i still rly thkught we’d be together for at least a couple years i mean im glad we didn’t cuz like then it’d be even fucking harder to get over it but yeah and i loved him i loved him so much and he made me light up and he loved me too and he also wanted to be with me and that somehow makes it even worse the fact that it’s a mutual temporary affliction jt sucks

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and like it’s so fuckinf scary how in love i was even with noah like so blindly in love or maybe it was good and i just don’t remember i wonder if there’s another universe where we’re still together . i don’t wanna be in it because i know we could both find someone who fits with us better but god it sucks when someone loves you so much and makes you feel so good but then they slip away even if they don’t want to

[ithisatanytime]

DRESDEN ER

 whats a fate worse than death to you, for most women being raped is probably up there, but imagine you were the only one who felt that way and your girlfriends struck an attitude much like males do about it and were like “Awesome free sex” and they pressured you to let go of your hang ups and just get raped, its the nineties becky quit being a prude, so you go along with it and of course you hate it, you feel like you want to be erased from the... what? there really is no word for it, you could say grief, pain, sorrow, shame, and there all close but a million miles away, you dont have the words, you cant explain JUST how that makes you feel but more importantly you cant even begin to articulate why only that it makes you feel like this and this but not why not in a way your peers will understand anyway. now imagine this, you get numb to it, though you still despise it, there is a new girl and now you are pressuring her to quite being such a prude allong with your friends while inwardly feeling revolted but outwardly you are acting just like them, and maybe it dawns on you that your peers might all hate it, but like you are caught up in systems larger than yourself that you cant begin to understand. this is my nightmare, this invisible apocalypse and its real. for men its cuckoldery and i literally was pressured into accepting it, dont be so jealous dont be so insecure, i mean i was pressured but i wasnt having it, i was INCAPABLE of having it and i refused to believe for a moment the pain of modernity is natural, but i saw it for what it was though i did not understand it at the time, i will always default to my god given instincts when i can, because they were here before any of the rest of you fuckers, there from the beginning with the breath of life. by saying what i say, im not just attempting to learn you some things, but create freedom for you, if you were at an awkward dinner party and no one had said a word in minutes because we all dont know each other outside of work and dont trust one another and are therefore on edge, say suddenly i should fart very loudly on accident, very embarrassing for me, but suddenly everyone is talking a little freer, because well if you say something embarrassing at least you didnt shit your pants like i did. youre welcome

[wu-tvng]

trauma and ptsd.

i don't really like how jarring the font size is for 'title' in the tumblr post so i will put it as a header in the description.

tee-hee:)

this morning or afternoon. i forgot. i mention how i have a lot to say, but seem to have no space or bandwidth to articulate it (it's tiring to introspect and unpack emotional luggage) but i was reading hot literati and i love how captivating short, simple, but intelligent her writing is. i aspire to write as crispy, fun, and me though as her.

i am learning to be gentle with thyself and i am kind of proud with how fast i learn through copying others and extracting only traits i find attractive and enticing into my own character/asrsenal loll. it kind of reminds me of that guy in food wars who copies ppl to the tee and then + his own cherry on top in the finale. kind of making it his, but not really bc 99 vs 1%

my problem is that i lack life experience and i isolate myself too much that im out of touch with reality. hence y im 24 sitting in front of my mac at almost 1am typing this, unemployed, and still acting like i am shi. im extremely delusional for this, but somehow i have a feeling things will sort itself out and ill be ok like i always wanted.

but the quote of being able to enjoy the moment and finding content and happiness in the daily or mundane keeps cycling back to me in this era. i think the universe is trying to tell me some.

i think i am content. and i am grateful. and i am ok, but not happy. i am v happy that i am ok bc for a long time this year i was not ok. i was actually extremely depressed and bed-ridden for months with occasional hangouts with eric that has secretly save me and directed me for the better. bc human interaction is important no matter how easy it is to be a hermit in the digital age and lock oneself in their corner of the internet (me, currently doing that rn (im a hypocrispy) :())

i no im a different person than before, maybe more lost, maybe more unhinged, def more fat. but i really dont know how much i have changed. howev, this year since i move back home has metamorphiszed me, and im not sure if its for the better bc i was undergoing one of the few intense depressive periods in life. i honestly cant say that it was my most depressing but all the hard ones always happen at home lol. its like a recurring epilepsy i have here. i have many intense depressive episodes that it seems that each new adversity i go thru that triggers this turbulence is easier than the past one. lol its actually crazy and it might explain why im ok even though i think most ppl might be wrecked by the frequent turmoil i have to navigate thou it often times is self-imposed i guess. but also this one was def a butterfly effect influence by years of adversion in treating mental health and not learning to deal with stress and responsiblities and pressure well. but i guess thats y im 24 and alive dealing, feeling, and not quitting:)

[magpie-lu-aside]

I'm still adding some of the songs on this post, but here's the link (hehe)

Ive been slowly adding songs from all these replies (and again thank y'all I've been enjoying watching people interact with this post, its been so fun!)

Here's the list of songs that I personally added:

Obsolete - Regina Spektor - Four

Bleeding Heart - Regina Spektor - Four, but I imagine its Sky being the singer for reasons (has a fic planned with this song as a base)

The Party - Regina Spektor - Wild

The Trial - Pink Floyd - Warriors

Goodness Gracious - FEiN - Warriors (set in HW, mostly him @ Mask and Wind. It fits with the chain but that's what I mostly think about)

Who You Are - Tally Hall - Sky

Hero - Regina Spektor - all of them really

Monster - dodie - Shadow and Four

Friends With You - The Scary Jokes - Wild

This Will End - The Oh Hellos - Time

Time Burns - Orchestral Manoeurvres in the Dark - Time lol

Welly Boots & The Calling- both The Amazing Devil - they both give the whole chain

There's 5 other songs I've added and there the ones I have opinions on. It got very long, I apologize

I Let The Music Speak - ABBA - Sky! The last verse (Let it be the joy of each new sunrise, Or the moment when a day dies, I surrender without reservation, No explanation, no questions why, I take it to me and let it flow through me, I let the music speak) is very Sky to me because how I interpreted Skyward Sword is it being about new beginnings ,and I always associate Fi's chimes with music.

Maps- The Front Bottoms - this is a Four song to me and I'm 100% admitting its all my personal HCs on him. The thing about Four in LU is that he keeps... A certain distance from himself from the others. He's close to Twilight, yeah, but in the way that the whole chain seems close to Twilight. This song is just very exemplary in exploring what I personally HC hes emotions on that fact in a way that will take me forever to fully explain.

Tornadoland - Regina Spektor - another Four, the song I mentioned in my original tags. "The mind runs fast, your thoughts are louder than your words" + "and all the monsters in your mind just wanna be nice they wanna be kind, the wanna play nice, the wanna be softer than the storms around" reeks of Four imo. I also love that its a tornado, a wind storm that drowns him completely out and I think that's a neat tie in with Vaati.

Older and Taller - Regina Spektor - Hi Time! The first verse (I remembered you older and taller, But you're younger and smaller, So who's gonna call her and say, That you're back again?) is just big OOT energy to me. There's also "You're around 'til you're not around, And that's all I need to know, Every time you decide to stay, Then the world will make you go, And that's all you need to know" which is more LU specific because I can certainly imagine that Time wasn't. The happiest to be on another adventure after his life has finally started to settle.

A Mannequin Adrif - The Scary Jokes - Legend. The lyrics "its so hard to function, I feel like my body has died with my soul trapped inside. This cold death rattle in my chest feels just like pennies in a tin can" screams him and I cant quite say why because I still struggle to articulate my thoughts on this dude. The last verse feels like its being spoken by Marin to him.

Those are the songs I have like super strong opinions on, there's a few others but I felt bad going on this long for. 5 songs. I'd genuinely be here all day if I talked about it all haha

What are some songs that you guys associate with the chain/specific LU characters? I want to expand mine (cuz it's mostly Four and Time) for when I write fics, but I'm also just genuinely curious.....

[spinaroos-47]

can u send a picture of the character in the sea beast that had an antisemitism design? n maybe explain why is anti semetic?

I cant for the life of me remember her name. But i am going to rewatch the movie today so ill add the pictures later when i get her name

Its the lady crow makes a deal with. Just...its pretty much a pirate-like classic witch appearance, which witches in that classic green skin hooked nose look are a pretty common antisemitic design. There is other characters in the sea beast, including Jacob, that have a hooked nose, yes, but the way that was done on her really doesnt sit well with me and quite some other people.

Its not just the nose, though it is a big part of the problem.

I don't fully know how to articulate it, some people might have done that already and better than me, so ill look for those.

[wizisbored]

oki so talk to me about snake oil things. not thinking anything specific but craving your Thoughts

I've mentioned this a couple times without really going into it, but basil doesnt talk much. im not really sure where that idea came from, i was just drawing her with her black eyes and there was something about her face that made me think shes quiet. she can talk, and she does when she needs to, but not much past that. i hesitate to call it selective mutism, since from what i can tell thats classed as a childhood anxiety disorder, and this is a trauma thing. but its for sure more of a mental block than a concious choice. i need to develop the exact source of it a bit more, but its something like this:

her death struck her speechless, understandably. what do you say in response to that? she didnt have the answer to any questions or a response to anything said. she couldnt find the words to articulate her anger, but it didnt matter, because beetlejuice already knew why she was mad, and the wordless yelling suficed. and then the maitlands were asking what she wanted to do with her body, and she didnt know. and then when she did know, she was certain of it, and she didnt want to hear any input because her mind was made up. she didnt feel the need to explain, because she was doing it only for herself. she only briefly told the maitlands she was leaving, because she didnt want them to ask her to stay, she didnt want to let them pick apart her reasoning. i guess it all sort of boils down to the idea that shes out on her own, alone, and shes determined to fend for herself now, and if she doesnt let anyone know where shes going or what shes doing or why they cant argue.

and on the topic of why basil is the way she is, i said when i talked about her needing to be more Creature that i could go into the why, and so i will now. in short: she is very visible now.

i dont think her ghost emerged looking quite as demonic as she does by the time she meets skye. the black eyes i think will be from the start, but her nails arent really claws yet, and she only has like maybe little nubs of horns and a stub of a tail. maybe not even that. they grow though, because she wants to be seen, and she wants to be seen for what she is. she wants beetlejuice to see what he did to her, what he turned her into, and she wants ghosts she encounters to know that shes dangerous and should be taken seriously. her original form, a sickly kid with valves in her arms, is very obviously a dead bleed breather. and depending on who she encounters that gets her either disrespected or pittied. she doesnt want either of those. im not saying she makes a concious effort to look more demonic, but her form shifts to line up with how she wants to be seen. most ghosts cant do that, aside from some distortion abilities they stay how they die, but as a demon shes more changeable.

[chanaihimaa]

FFXIV Write #8 - Adroit

Chanai drifted away and parked himself against a wall somewhere tucked away from the crowd, a sense of feeling flighty and cantankerous plucking at his seams like a delicately stringed lyre. The meeting of a man with more weight than the mass he carried on his person was in order this night – someone worth striking a deal with – and, damn it all, now he’d gone and let Jace out of his sight. The cogs of his imagination was unkind, painting visions of someone skewering the man in the back with a knife. There was no dignity about it – none at all. But some would feel Jace didn’t deserve it and now… No. No, no-one was going to stab Jace in the back. Not here. But that didn’t stop Chanai from chewing through his cheek and his attempts to cease the sweat accumulating in his palms. Gods damnit, what had gotten into him? As adroit as he was at working these things before, he knew this game like the back of his hand. So what the Hells was wrong with him?

“Are you Chanai?”

His train of thought abruptly stuttered. Chanai glanced once, gave a double-take, and furrowed his brow under a heavy frown at the woman as if he had been outright insulted, his jaw setting. “Feck off,” he bristled bluntly before a far more articulate thought could come to mind. A suitably mortified gasp fueled the woman’s departure without so much as another word. …That was cruel, he regrettably thought, a momentary twist in the low of his belly quicker than the belated urge to wring his fingers. Surely she didn’t mean any harm by it, did she? That woman didn’t deserve being snapped at, even if she probably was no better than the people she surrounded herself with. These kind of people… They didn’t think they’re selfish, but they are. Some might even convince themselves that they, to a vast degree, were good. They may hold charitable events under questionable circumstances with no show for where exactly the gil went other than plump their already fatten gil purses and feel partly moved to spare their leftovers to those in and outside the walls for the sake of making themselves feel better. Just enough to say they’ve done ‘their part’ to help them sleep at night and carry on with their life. It disgusted him, viscerally. Playing this part, being around them longer than he necessarily had to b– “You wouldn’t mind if I stand here, do you?” Fuck me sideways. Chanai barely acknowledged the older man that approached him. “Ain’t no stoppin’ you,” he muttered distractdely, searching the crowd for Jace’s figure. Jace was tall enough that one really just needed to be on the look-out for someone that fit the ‘silver fox’ description. He spied Dina, caught up in conversation with some other halfwit, but Jace was gone. Godsdamn. Probably schmoozing, but– “Cigarette?” The man attempted to offer him. “Not from you,” Chanai automatically quipped. He had more things on his plate to worry about. “Ahhh~ I get it. Not one for things like this, I take it.” the man mused. It was then Chanai felt obliged to at least spare a look, if only to understand why he hadn’t taken the hint yet. He was probably the same age as Jace; blonde, a little shorter with a forgettable face. The man sniffed on a rather dry curl of a soft smirk as he fiddled to light his own cigarette. “Are you sure? You look like you could use a cigarette,” he tried. Chanai’s eyes subtly narrowed. “I’a don’t do small-talk,” he said, shortly. Jace, he thought, almost a little frantically, as he turned his eyes to scan the crowd once more, why’d you have to fucking bring me here?

“I know,” the man murmured, exhaling a small flume of smoke. “I was watching you. You’re quite unfriendly, you know,” he noted absently, letting cigarette ash drop onto the marble floor at his feet. “I like that.” Oh, Gods, a melter. Not now. Chanai resisted the urge to bolt for the nearest exit. “Sounds like a right problem for you t’work through on your own, aye?” He didn’t mean it to be funny. He never meant for it to sound funny in any way, but the man laughed all the same. “I guess it is,” the man chuckled, taking it as an invitation. “You’re the new addition making a muck of things, aren’t you?  The one who sold information over for…” A twinkle of intrigue illuminated caramel brown eyes. An annoyed click of his tongue. “M’sorry, and you are?” Chanai asked, irritated despite himself. “Arnor,” the man introduced himself without falter as he turned his body slightly to rest his leaning shoulder against the wall, his sandy hair sweeping along his shoulders. Tobacco smoke curled Chanai’s face with a quiet reverence, tainted and sour. “Arnor Coldren, son of the friend of a friend. I’m afraid asking who is out of the question.” A snort. “Will I, yeah?” “The point is, I’m a wealthier lay than you, without a doubt, will ever have,” the stranger’s head canted softly on a smokey exhale. “What do you think?” For the first time that evening, Chanai felt the soothing wave of calm he’s felt all night wash over him as he stared up at Arnor and straight into his eyes. “O’what? A right-bollix with a face that could drive rats from a barn? Come now, lad. If nothin’ else, ‘ve got standards. Don’t insult me.”

-----

@roguestly for the mention of her oc, Jace!

[raystie]

my dude im sorry i didnt see this earlier lmfao !!! this is mostly what i posted to twitter although i've changed some things here and there. its also quite long so i had to put it under the read more cut

this is rlly long and yet not every single thought i have about the game so apologies in advance. this is also gonna be super messy because i cant articulate shit well because my brain is fried but anyway. definitely some major pacing issues and some segments felt like a DRAG, lot of plot moments that felt as ridiculous as y4 (incredibly cheesy or stupid plot twist that makes no sense, especially at the end ...), but overall i still immensely enjoyed the game and the experience. one of my top titles in the mainline for sure now. they tried a lot of new things and a lot were misses but it still had a lot of hits and its so cool to see how they took most of the good stuff to put into y0 that made that title a fan favorite

the best thing about this game is shinada actually. he is truly my favorite character of the whole game, i was gonna write more but it would take too long and i can't really describe everything he makes me feel but i found him to be the most compelling and emotional character. to me he had a rlly fresh/unique backstory where as a non yakuza protag he had NO criminal ties (unlike akiyama and tanimura), and bcos of this i consider him the bravest protag because he does not live a life of danger but threw himself into it anyway. ppl like akiyama and tanimura have the liberty of having resources (money and connections) and proper training and preparation for being involved with criminal activity but shinada don't know a damn thing and had multiple attempts on his life and STILL chose to pursue the truth and i just love him so much for that. i found him really touching at times, like the unwavering trust he had in the townspeople, and he has some of the RAWEST scenes in the whole game, such as the one on the rooftop with milky and the one near the end where he cries twice sitting alone at the balcony. explaining why is gonna take too long (and make me wanna cry) so if you get it you get it. also while he is one of the biggest babygirls ever i don't even want to call him that because that would just feel like a disservice to how much he actually means to me. hes more than that <3 i can go on but i will stop that for now

majima was actually, imo, the WORST character of the game. he's so incredibly OOC that i kinda refuse to believe this is canon. i have 2 main gripes with him, the first being how badly written his relationship with park is. there's so many unanswered questions that could have been used to explore his character even more especially considering its such a big plot point but instead opted to him just literally not even ACKNOWLEDING the relationship from his own goddamn mouth. u could tell me them putting majima's name on the letter was fake and he never sent that and i would believe u. and why the fuck did they write park to make him sound literally abusive like he would NOT do that. sorry. he just wouldnt. rgg was too focused on trying to make her backstory sad and traumatic that they butchered majima along the way. the second gripe is the way he quite literally betrayed saejima when ... he wouldn't ?? like you're telling me because he thought saejima was "weak" (vague and lazy reason) so he made a choice for saejima to be expelled from the clan? doesn't this just show majima's lack of trust in saejima, and breaking their kyodai bond? and its just sadder that saejima had complete faith in majima, that if majima died that is his own responsibility. majima basically chickened out and went oh but you're weak 🥺 i'm going to impose my own weakness onto you and make a choice for you that you would never do yourself LIKE BITCH THIS IS NOT IN YOUR HEART just communicate better or something!!!!! he made me so mad lmfao his only redeeming quality here is being cute as usual

this isn't a y5 post if i dont talk about kiryu and haruka obv. there's a lot of obvious things to be said about kiryu being miserable without his family so i won't get too much into it but i loved that you can really see the build up to it (y1 when adopting haruka is the only thing keeping him going in life after losing everyone else, y3 when running the orphanage is him being the happiest and also struggling to hold onto it as long as he can, conversation with saejima where they talk about how family was the only thing for them to look forward to). haruka's motivations are unclear throughout most of the game as i couldn't quite tell if she REALLY wanted to be an idol or not, but i think that's more reflective on the fact that haruka herself wasn't sure either. but regardless, the end rlly broke me. there's a cool (and by that i mean devastating) parallel of how there are so many eyes on haruka as the gives her performance but at the end of it all she only had eyes for her father 💔

i feel like i wanna talk about her just because shes so polarizing but i DON'T hate park. i think shes a more morally grey and complex character but regardless whether she did the actual "correct" thing or not i think she genuinely believed she was giving haruka a better life. shes a civilian who is going to believe pulling a teenaged civilian girl away from the yakuza is the right thing to do, and losing her baby many years ago probably helped in her treating haruka like a daughter. and yes she did live her idol dream through haruka vicariously but i also don't believe she "forced" haruka to be an idol. she's not THAT powerful, if haruka fully objected to it she wouldn't go in the first place. i also find her realistic in her own way so i found myself liking her as a character. but as i briefly mentioned in the majima rambling above they wrote her so badly majima's character got caught in the crossfire. hate them for that

the ending gave me a lot of mixed feelings because of the ambiguity and things not explained. like why did no one go to rescue him but also how the fuck did haruka know he was there. but the way hes literally dying crawling on the ground and the only thing keeping him going is the thought that everyone depending on him was waiting for him... ok rgg i see how it is u want me to die by a broken heart. and ofc they have to end the game with "yume" again but i forgive them for that one since it wasn't forced like the previous gazillion times it was mentioned. the way it's just the two of them makes the moment feel lonely, but also like as if nothing else really mattered except that they're reunited again, which is why i am ok with it being ambiguous. maybe the true y5 plot was the goal of reuniting along the way /hj

gonna be honest i don't really have much thoughts on akiyama and saejima. i like saejima in it a lot better and his dynamic with baba is also really emotional and his scene at the end .... chefs kiss ... but i've run out of brain juice to think about that too much. akiyama is kind of just there to be convenient to the plot. don't really care that he didnt get his own side story actually, i already spent way too long on this game.

watase and katsuya are gay for each other

that's it really thanks if anyone actually read all that

I finished yakuza 5 some time ago. shinada is mine now