#i really like her i cant quite articulate why

[cent-scratchnsniff]

binah and the line that wouldnt leave my mind for some reason

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Alright, today yesterday I read chapters 17-21 and I sure have a lot of thoughts about Rhysand now. can you guess if theyre positive or negative? I'll give you a hint, its not the one that starts with a p

But before we get into that, can I just say, why the hell is everything happening so goddamn quickly YOURE ALL IMMORTAL. like, heres a rough timeline of acomaf so far: three months of Feyre being miserable in Spring post-UTM, then Rhysand takes her for one week, then Feyre's back in Spring for three weeks, then Rhysand takes her again for one week, then its less than three weeks of Feyre being back in Spring before Tamlin locks her in the manor and Rhysand and Mor take her back to the Night Court. Its been barely half a year! The reason Im bringing that up is first of all, it very much seems like Feyre is already beginning to warm up Rhysand at this point when that is absolutely not enough time for that after what he did to her. And second of all, theyre already demanding so much of her when everyone except for Rhys hasnt even spent 24 hours with her in total. And she just agrees to everything?? Right off the bat, basically the only way this makes any sense is if Rhysand is mind controlling her

Also, this is only semi-related, but i swear I remember Mor wearing a red dress to their first get-together at the HoW and Feyre not reacting to it at all ?? Also, Cassian siphons, they were specifically like a fire-y red what the hell. Now, was that just a mistake or did Rhysand use his mind powers to turn off the part of Feyre's brain that gets triggered at the sight of the color red so she wouldnt ruin his family reunion? You decide.

Alright, now lets talk about Feyre. Ive had some trouble properly analysing her the past few chapters because I was really focused on trying to figure out what exactly made her so unhappy at the spring court vs why she likes the night court so much when they seem very similar. It seemed like her motivation was flip-flopping all over the place, similar to chapters 1-3, but she already came across as far less traumatized somehow, so it felt weird that she would still have so much trouble really articulating what she wants, even to herself. But then I realized, its not that shes flip-flopping, her motivations are just contradictory; she wants to be an important political player who gets to Do Stuff but she doesnt want anyone to pay any attention to her, which is why having an empty title and no actual power staying in a city full of people who dont care if their high lord is just walkin around right beside them is so appealing

And its really frustrating because its another instance of her just getting what she wants right away instead of having to go through any character development. Shes bad at communicating and instead of even attempting to work on that, she just gets a mindreader for a soulmate, and she cant do smalltalk with nobles in order to earn their respect as Lady of Spring and instead of learning to adapt or putting her foot down and refusing to deal with the courtly bullshit at the cost of her political power, she just gets a leadership position that was quite literally made for her.

Somewhat related to Feyre being bad at politicking, they keep bringing up the fact that Tamlin just wanted her to throw parties and wear pretty dresses and maybe pop out some sons at the spring court and its just so annoying. Of course, much has already been said about how ironic it is when you consider how she ends up in ACOSF so Im not gonna go into detail on that but I did want to mention it. Also, parties and other social gatherings were a pretty important way for (noble) women who were kept out of politics to still participate in them in the past, and even if we take out the misogyny that just suddenly materialized in this book, Feyre cant read, doesnt know this land and barely knows what its like being the daughter of a rich guy, much less an actual noblewoman, of course she cant do much but sit around and reassure people that everything is gonna be alright by virtue of her presence

Speaking of the weird misogyny, its so baffling to me the reason shes being objectified and dehumanized (no pun intended) is that shes a woman whos seen as only good for child-rearing, when it really should be her being objectified and being dehumanized by being put on a pedestal for being the Saviour Of Prythian. It seems so obvious like, Ive been rotating some ideas for an ACOMAF-rewrite AU type thing in my head since before I even started reading this book, and one of the first things I decided was that everyone was gonna call feyre The Cursebreaker and nothing else and she would feel really weird and bad about it. I literally dont think anything wouldve changed if her being objectified was a more personal issue rather than something resulting from systemic misogyny, other than the fact that Rhysand couldnt be a feminist in-universe if that was the case

Now, before I move on to the next thing I wanted to talk about, I wanna quickly explain what I mean by "the misogyny just materialized in the second book" because some people might say "oh, but the first book had misogyny as well" and it definitely did but not to the same extent. ACOTAR was kinda weird because it seems to be a pretty egalitarian world, Feyre doesnt think its weird that a woman is a mercenary and while considering that the Spring Court might have a High Lady instead of a High Lord, she doesnt say anything about how it would unusual to have a woman be a leader, but it has this coating of "period-typical misogyny" over it, seemingly just because its what you expect from these kinds of pseudo-medieval european-inspired fantasy settings

So you still get all women being expected to wear dresses and Feyre being an exception for not wanting to wear one and when Feyre daydreams about getting rid of her sisters, she daydreams about marrying them off rather than daydream about them getting jobs or something. But even with that, while Feyre is considered a bit strange for not wanting to wear a dress at the Spring Court, she still ultimately gets to just wear pants without it being a big deal. And then we get to ACOMAF and suddenly theres FGM thats completely normalized, domestic abuse, women being expected to do child rearing and "continue the bloodline" by default even though children were supposed to be super rare and fae should absolutely not structure their lives around them and Feyre being absolutely baffled at the idea of a political leader having a second-in-command thats a woman. And again, it very much seems like the only reason for that is that it makes Rhysand look better if hes recuing women in general from systemic inequality, rather than just rescuing a single woman from her personal problems

And with that, lets finally talk about my most detested, Rhysand Nolastname. He fucking sucks man. In a past post I made a point about comparing specifically ACOTAR!Tamlin with specifically ACOMAF!Rhys because it thought it made sense to compare Tamlin when hes written as a love interest to Rhys being written as a love interest, but honestly, theres so little difference between Tamlin being written as an antagonist in ACOMAF and Rhys being written as a love interest that it feels kinda pointless now. Like, Feyre is upset that Tamlin wont tell her anything about the politics happening, but is inexplicably fine with Rhysand not telling her what he wants from the summer court, she hates meeting with Tamlins associates and having meaningless smalltalk with them but likes meeting Rhysand's, she doesnt like Tamlin flaunting his wealth but is fine with all of Rhysand's expensive bullshit, literally the only difference between them is that Feyre likes one and and hates the other, again, for no real reason because they are the same. Well, the same in their treatment of Feyre, Rhysand is arguably a worse person who has done and is still doing a lot more harm on a larger scale but Im posting this in the anti-rhys tag so you already knew that

Anyway, thats it for now, this got kinda long but I hope you enjoyed it

[lunatic-fandom-space]

I just finished season 4 and unlike with the others I didnt have a whole lot to say as a was watching, mainly because I was actually enjoying myself and thought the season was mostly really good ? absolutely wild. Nevertheless I have some thoughts

I LOVE Alya and Marinette working together, its a delight. When I talk about "man can you imagine if MLB did like a magical girl show and focused on female friendships instead of catfighting" THIS is what Im talking about!! And Idgaf about how this affects the Love Square at this point, this is all Ive wanted! Also, I feel like Alya and Nino knowing each others identities cheapens the Love Square conflict more than anything but I cant fully articulate why so I'll just leave it at that

The Love Square is in a very strange place where, when the identity reveal finally does happen, its simultaneously going to feel like its too little too late (a la the destiel confession bc this fucking show is just straight queerbaiting) and rushed because like. what kind of development is there between these two. They barely focused on romance this season (which is definitely part of why I think its better lol) but I dont mean that in the sense that we had less catfights and Marinette making a fool of herself for no reason, I mean that in the sense that it barely felt like they interacted at all, atleast to me so thats kinda odd

In the past Ive complained about how the civillian plotline usually feels very disconnected from the superhero/akuma plotline and I think theyve done a much better job, my favorite episode of the season is probably Qilin both for tying the akuma into the civillian plot and for having a somewhat unique conflict resolution. In general, I liked that we had people rejecting akumas as well as preventative measures in form of the charms, although I do think it sucks that a few episodes afterwards Shadowmoth just figures out a way to circumvent them and then its back to business as usual. I feel like a better workaround would be that the charms can only protect you from one akumatization each, so like, the charm Ladybug gave her grandfather in Simpleman can only protect him from becoming Simpleman again, but if he turns into Bakerix, she needs to give him a different charm. But I do find the charms cute

The new heroes all suck tbh, the only design I liked was Purple Tigress and Pigella came close to looking kinda good but then they made it this intensely unflattering shade of pink, which I find impressive because Rose is already wearing an completely different intensely unflattering shade of pink in her civillian form. One thing that I appreciated about whatever Mylenes superhero form is called, Pigella and Purple Tigress is that they had more justifiable reasons for Ladybug to pick them than most of the heroes in the last season, who were mostly just picked because They Were There ig. And then Penealteam rolled around and we were back to doing exactls that kind of bullshit. great.

Also, Ive already talked about this in a seperate post, but if they absolutely insisted on looking for a replacement for the Bee, it shouldve been Sabrina and they shouldntve invented a whole new character for it

Adrien got a little more focus this season and we actually got some insight into his character when hes not either The Object Of Marinettes Idolization or Ladybugs Punny Sidekick Thats Slowly Becoming Obsolete which I enjoyed because he has a lot of potential from a dramatic standpoint what with being Hawkmoths son and all, but hes usually so bland that I dont really care too much so this was pretty nice. And it only took us 4 seasons for him to get some focus, yknow, the other superhero in the title? Well better late than never I guess

Speaking of Adrien, Ive made quite a few posts where I said that this season would be ruined for me the second the Sentiadrien reveal happens but it never did, we're getting that in season 5 and I am not looking forward it especially considering the small taste Ive already gotten of it with Adrien being very obviously controlled by that ring. Like, I'll probably talk about it in more detail when it gets fleshed out in the show but for now I'll just say it doesnt make the stakes higher like the writers seem to think, it make the story wayyyy less interesting and it feels like its supposed to be an explanation for Adriens behaviour towards his father when we absolutely do not need one beyond "hes being abused"

I know I said that I thought this season was really good and now Im just just complaining mostly like I always do but idk, Im not as good at formulating my positive thoughts as my negative ones. The last thing I'll say is that I loved Scarabella and I loved her design and I loved the whole episode she was in, as well as the entirety of Sentibubbler, Alya really served this season

Thats it, thanks for reading :D

[legendarybelmont]

The whole CV3 gang for the character bingo :> and Trevor/Alucard for the ship bingo lol

oh youre so kind to me lmao, thanks cause i have an absolutely killer headache right now and its easy to speak of the blorbos

first of all, we have the main character ever, the peak of the peaks, bitchfuck mcsluttyboots, trevor! he is very funky and i want to throw him into a ravine, affectionately! most of these are probably self explanatory, but:

- i dont trust the fandom mostly in a netflix way, of course, because netflix!trevor is not my fucking boy

- theyre me fr because i project on him terminally and also our hair is the same. its the same hair

hes my favouritest ever and i have so many thoughts about him but sadly theyre harder to articulate :( maybe BECAUSE hes my favouritest ever

next up, grant! konami did him so dirty, but honestly im glad netflix didnt get the chance to destroy him, and i like the ambiguity of his character; leaves room for interpretation. that said...

- flanderisation disease... a lot of what i see of him tends to focus very deeply on his 'pirate' nature as a sleazy(?), stereotypical personality, even tho i cant word it well, which is a shame, because theres a lot more to him and also because hes not even a pirate lmao. could just be looking in the wrong places though. this ties into not trusting the fandom

- i will rescue you from konami i promise

sypha! the first girlie! hello queen!! i dont rotate her as hard as some of the others but shes literally so cool. i love her i love how she set a foundation for magicky type characters i love how she canonically looked at trevor c belmont and decided to put a ring on That... not much to explain for her but shes awesome

and alucard! the tragic prince himself. i didnt tick 'not trusting the fandom' but now that im thinking about it just pretend i did because i actually dont. much to explain with this one but just know my thoughts about him would get me STAKED. much like trevor i wager

- fandom bicycle... in general yeah but for me nah. i only ship him with the cviii cast, putting him with anyone else feels kinda weird to me unless its pure shitposting. i see him as a certified cviii character instead of a part of the rondo era crew or the sorrow crew, at his core, so maybe thats why?

- god complex. I Have AUs And I Have Corruption Arcs. that is all

- cant even take care of a plant... headcanon time! i think that as a child, his favourite place in the castle was the underground gardens from the saturn version of symphony. he liked to hang out with the mad gardener... anyway, he picked up some things, but ah. you know. monster demon castle. so basically give him a plant and he'll somehow manage to consistently raise it into a monster. any plant at all. he will do it

and finally, the ship meme! alucard/trevor! i think alucard is the kinda guy who just will not move on, sadly, even after centuries... he does continue to assist the belmonts, after all, for many reasons i suppose. and trevor. well. hes trevor. may i remind you of the alucard route ending screen? "trevor realised this as he stood there thinking about alucard". bisexual disaster. probably quite the codependent one, depending

- "only when i write them" mostly refers to netflixvania being awful and bad. i know its a popular ship for the netflixers, but noooo... same for blocking the shippers

- nothing else to explain in depth really im just insane about them. HOWEVER i am also insane for every other cviii gang ship, even the rarer ones (sypha/alucard i can manage it) especially all of them together. theyre so special...

[gayspock]

ok some thoughts

ok i do have complicated feelings on nat's death. firstly like air this one out rq: real fucking fuming that some ppl serioussllyyyyy are attacking freaking juliette for it, like? ok.... so your response to "its really fucked up that they killed nat who had finally found peace and was starting to overcome her addiction etc." was to attack the actress who has every right to leave a job if she wants to. i guess in other news 1+1=4.

but anyways sigh i have mixed feelings like.... i think theres a Part of me that kind of. ok. super unpopular opinion bc i know this ME & my own cyncism and "issues" or whatever & kinda shy to say this both bc it makes me look edgy as fuck but also like.... idk as someone whos had mental health problems, lets say, and has sort of resigned to this idea of like. oh i died a long time ago & theres a point in my life where i just think i stayed , and i dont think theres any way of going back, something something about living on borrowed time and it feeling meaningless . or whatever. stares at you pretend i didnt say all that. my point is i dont know i kind of- its bc i dont wannaaaa say ppl cant recover, that natalie was too far gone, this that and the other, bc i dont think you can make those judgements abt others (fictional or not) only yourself but... idk my point is. i fuckin get it when shes on the plane like that, as shes dying or just dying when she felt like she should have bc ever since its just been fucking horrible and well okay. sorry man i do kinda feel it even though i acknowledge its a shitty message.

i dont think it helps either that her "recovery arc" wadnt my favourite not bc i like. AGAIN im not saying this bc i dont think you can recover or get better its more like.. i was never a fan of the execution of it. i felt like it happened a bit too fast, and i would have preferred more scenes with natalie and lottie rather than natalie and lisa and natalie and the rest of the cult and i feel like that would have been more powerful to me bc the cult themselves feel kind of just... underdeveloped, and very much functional as a means for lottie and whats going on with her . i fully expect them to never be mentioned again after some point and to be completely ignored with the way this show has been going

and like i dont mind lisa that much but i dont now im kinda uninterested in characters that just get introduced and we immediately get SO much focus on them when theres, as i said , other more interesting and efficient ways to explore similar things (natalie and lottie a better dynamic for example) AND other stuff thats getting ignored big time.

like as an aside. i dont mind lisa as much BUT one example is also fucking walter and i dont like how theyre using him to kinda reduce misty to a bit of a joke AND cheap out on her own development (i think she can carry fine on her fucking own without him) but also bc he takes up so much runtime with his goofy little bits that just dont do it for me when again we're missing other shit from, like, FUCKING SIMONE FOR EXAMPLE whos barely been mentioned which is crazy. actually crazy. that she has barely been mentioned and tai's whole storyline has been ignored like that

but anyway even with lisa, i dont know- the whole thing with going to se her family, ugh... call me a jaded asshole, but like it just felt so. unsubtle. with the waythat whole scene was kinda executed. is that a cunt thing to say. but i dont know theres also other parts of the cult i just cant fuckin vibe with- i just feel like its so... clumsily done at times, and i cant quite articulate why i think that.

anyways . i get why a lot of ppl dont like natalies death in the end bc yeah it is kinda... a shitty message to send, even if i do kinda feel like well yeah damn yeah you know. but like also i do think theres the other obvious issue of like... with the way this show is, and as good as it is, i feel like theres gonna be more problems that develop and exacerbate over time. i really feel like they needed to introduce more characters earlier on and/or reveal less in present day bc whilst i dont think the tension is everything , and i dont think the shock value of ppl being hunted/dying in the past timeline is everything i do think its gonna have effects on the present time line and them trying to compensate. nd anyway now theyre just gonna do shit like try to tragically kill the women in the present vis a vis nat for like kinda no reason imo bc i do think it was . ultimately such a weird fucking way for her to die and to end even if i did resonate with her dying scene

and i do think there IS some bite that kinda being lost and its a bit weird when they write themselves into holes and have to try and flesh out new characters in the past that we know are just gonna straight up die so soon. a

its why i also didnt really like the idea of krystal. fuck i dont like the idea of krystal and walter being introduced to have a rapport with misty and i think thats just bc i LIKED her being alone . i liked no one fucking liking her. maybe its bc i projected too hard, but also its just like... i dont know it feels so fucking WEIRD that misty has had 0 friends and then she incidentally only just realises that some girl on the soccer team shes been orbitting for forever is like her type of weird and whatever whatever bah bah bah LIKE... theyre clearly trying to spin stuff for her to do, the same with the inclusion of walter, and its like. i dont know again in MY opinion and maybe its my fault for both projecting and setting an expectation but... i think a much more interesting thing to explore would be ownership of herself and her own fucking weirdness and being able to do that alone without needing the validAation of the others . am i crazy. like again i keep thinking abt her in the future and her and walt and ugh how much more i would love it if it was her fighting by herself to try and get natalie out of there. YES its harder to execute in a tv show but i do think it owuld be so much more interesting than taking the . in my opinion lazier route of just sticking in other characters to use to give her storylines

anyway what else was i gonna say fuck this was meant to be about natalie yeah like. thats also what im kinda mad at and why i dont like the inclusion of the extras like walter and lisa, like... i thinkits so much stronger when its just focussing on the dynamics of the girls (and their established ties, from the beginning of s1, i.e callie or simone, etc.) and i think mistys arc this season would have been better if it was a focus on her and nat, even if it was totally onesided rather than fucking walter and

ok im done can i also say. cant wait for shauna to ascend to antler queen in the current timeline. let her go fucking insane i say

[cowes]

Ordeal By Innocence anon again, for real, I love to hear your thoughts: It does seem like every time Rachel does something she instantly has a lot of regret, with Hester, with confessing Kirsten's secret to Jack, she immediately regrets it, but the damage is still done you know. And yet she hates what she's done in the name of image, but she just can't quite let it go. And also, if Hester is 18 when the show starts... jesus christ that's so much to deal with at that age. And not to word vomit, but 4 episodes was not enough to sit with these guys. Like we see that Mickey has issues with self harm from such a young age. How did that start and where does that impulse come from. Like where did each of them come from, what are their backgrounds. I don't even know how to articulate everything. But you're right, Ella's performance is really sweet, but not exactly innocent, like that moment with the constable? I think in episode 2 where she smiles and acts friendly with him and then sends that look to Tina. And she's the one that is the most outwardly guilty, but also understanding? Like she understands why someone would snap, maybe better than any of them, for the depths of what Rachel did to her. And Mary digs at that and she's the one to get physical first in response. But then Mary is the one holding her when Rachel is murdered. And then her hiding the liquor in the bathroom, like is she a teenager, early twenty year old just hiding booze from her parents or did she develop a problem after everything that happened. And also that scene after Philip assaults her like smoking under the tree and physically trying to erase what happened... man I could go on and on

hey bestieee. (laughing at 'ordeal by innocence anon' as if i have any other anon) as usual u have it so right, this time about rachel. what a fascinating character. she loves kirsten so much that its actually a bit confusing that she just spills her deepest darkest secret in a moment of spite. and then begs for her forgiveness, scared and confused, when she's been hit on the head and is dying. (in a way that's very reminiscent of her panic attacks in the prepper bunker). also the existence of the prepper bunker is so interesting. jack said this:

You're such a gutless fraud, Mother. Smiling like there's nothing wrong. But you built a nuclear bunker in the cellar in case the bombs start falling, so I know you're terrified, I know you're a mess. Just admit it. Stop smiling. Stop pretending. And, in return, I'll stop.

and he has her completely right. i suspect that was the writers using jack as a mouthpiece.

as for the children's backgrounds. i remember this. mary was adopted first, quite young, but unknown background. jack was second, born from kirsten and leo. hester was third, unknown background. tina and mickey were adopted last, at the same time - seems like it was during ww2 bc of the gas mask boxes. mickey seems like he has a london accent (?) and its possible that they were just billeted at first but later adopted - but that's my speculation.

um - i hate to break this but this interview with ella says that she was 18 in the main timeline (c. summer 1956) but younger in flashbacks. (im pretty sure flashbacks begin summer 1953 and end with the murder on christmas eve 1954, which would make hester 15 - 16ish years old). it's all pretty yikes. personally i imagine her as older. because my brain cant handle all that. so "early twenty year old" - once again, u r sooooo right.

mickey is very quiet, but he has a lot of personality ur so right. and the self-harm thing i think i only really picked up on in rewatches. cut himself during childhood lessons with rachel, had to eat with a spoon at dinner because not trusted with a knife, cigarrette burns, has MULTIPLE knife tattoos?? bruh. theres a lot going on there, so much, but he isnt going to talk about it. i think he struggles a lot with self-image. the fact that he's kept his accent. the fact that mary suggests he try to seduce gwenda to stop the marriage.... it all suggests a certain image that certain members of the family (rachel, leo, mary) have of him that he possibly leans into for protection. but the self harm is.... yeah, lot to think about.

mary. oh mary. i love you mary. so cruel and insecure and tragic and petty. horrible husband. horrible life that she isnt happy with. i truly think that after the events of the story she could have been the most well off. rid of the terrible people in her life, new relationships with siblings, new sense of purpose. of course all that would come with crushing anxieties and trauma but we stay positive in this house!!!!

lastly, i just want to say that i never read the books and from what i gather from r/agathachristie is that they dont like this adaption. its okay. all of this extra, dark stuff is added by sarah phelps. ultimately i enjoy it but if we're speculating on why it exists in the story when none of it gets really properly examined, i think that it was added for edginess. that said, i think it was really really effective. i love worldbuilding, i love hints at deeper characters, i love using my imagination. the demons got me on this one.

[blogblogbloggittyblog]

may 11-14, 2022

im gonna try to write about my feelings again because maybe thatll make me feel less like shit all the fucking time. i dont even understand why im so upset about this. like. i think its cuz i romanticized the shit out of him and let myself believe that he liked me and i kinda allowed myself to be vulnerable around him and that he was there when me and noah broke up so he like kinda helped me a lot that night and idk he is rly nice and maybe i was literally in love with him or still am. and maybe the problem is that i realized how shitty that i am that he couldn’t even wanna be friends with me. maybe im such a selfish manipulative bitch that even he couldnt handle it. and i thought that he liked me and maybe that made me feel good about myself. but also i felt like shit because i fucking cheated on noah basically. and he told me i deserved better and i thought he would be the better one but he had a girlfriend and that already made me feel like shit and that time we kissed it was the most pathetic thing ive ever done because it was bad. it was bad and he thinks im pathetic and idk how to stop it i think the root issue is that i think that he thinks im a pathetic stupid idiot bitch liar. and maybe i am. god i hate him but i have no right to because all ive heard is good things about him. god. what the fuck. i need to move on from this but i quite literally dont know how to do that without getting some sort of closure but also THATS SO FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE U DIDNT DO ANYTHING AND HE DOESNT OWE U ANYTHING god.

-----

think the main issue is that im not a good person and i hate people who are better than me and i guess that makes me even worse. like i hate cameron because she’s quite literally perfect. and it makes me fucking hate myself. shes so pretty and confident and smart and articulate and talented and she has all that i want rly. i saw her and thomas adams today and it literally made me wanna die. im never gonna have that. no matter how much i delude myself into thinking that im this nice hot smart person. no one has ever wanted me for more than a year. if that. i hate myself. i genuinely can’t think of one thing i like about myself. because im not good at school. im not good at art, i havent made a single decent thing in like half a year, i dont do anything outside of school, im ugly, and not skinny, and a liar and im not a good daughter. i hate myself. i think i like being in relationships because then the person can fall in love with some weird fake version of me and i can believe that maybe im half-decent. harry is just another example of how i cant maintain relationships that i care abt. i dont even think i have any genuine friends. im pretty sure they all dislike me severely. god. i. suck.

-----

im literally in love w him or smth because he’s so nice and i want him to fucking like me too i wish he did how do i get him to like me but also i want noah back because it was so much easier and i could just love him and he loved me and it wasn’t turbulent and weird. and dustin is nice but that’s abt it. i like him but that’s all there is to it and i feel bad for like asking him on a date cuz fuck. but harry is different because he doesn’t even like me lnao and i want him to like me so bad i want him to be in love with me and go out w me and be my fucking bf and it’s so stupid and pathetic but i like him sm

-----

impermanence of life it’s funny how i really thought we were gonna be together for a long time and how i thought i’d love him for so long not just him but seb too like i thkught she was it like that was the end and it’s so scary how blinding and deceiving and deluding it is to be in love or at least think that u are. even when i tried to be so so so overly pessimistic and realistic with noah i still rly thkught we’d be together for at least a couple years i mean im glad we didn’t cuz like then it’d be even fucking harder to get over it but yeah and i loved him i loved him so much and he made me light up and he loved me too and he also wanted to be with me and that somehow makes it even worse the fact that it’s a mutual temporary affliction jt sucks

-----

and like it’s so fuckinf scary how in love i was even with noah like so blindly in love or maybe it was good and i just don’t remember i wonder if there’s another universe where we’re still together . i don’t wanna be in it because i know we could both find someone who fits with us better but god it sucks when someone loves you so much and makes you feel so good but then they slip away even if they don’t want to

[ithisatanytime]

DRESDEN ER

 whats a fate worse than death to you, for most women being raped is probably up there, but imagine you were the only one who felt that way and your girlfriends struck an attitude much like males do about it and were like “Awesome free sex” and they pressured you to let go of your hang ups and just get raped, its the nineties becky quit being a prude, so you go along with it and of course you hate it, you feel like you want to be erased from the... what? there really is no word for it, you could say grief, pain, sorrow, shame, and there all close but a million miles away, you dont have the words, you cant explain JUST how that makes you feel but more importantly you cant even begin to articulate why only that it makes you feel like this and this but not why not in a way your peers will understand anyway. now imagine this, you get numb to it, though you still despise it, there is a new girl and now you are pressuring her to quite being such a prude allong with your friends while inwardly feeling revolted but outwardly you are acting just like them, and maybe it dawns on you that your peers might all hate it, but like you are caught up in systems larger than yourself that you cant begin to understand. this is my nightmare, this invisible apocalypse and its real. for men its cuckoldery and i literally was pressured into accepting it, dont be so jealous dont be so insecure, i mean i was pressured but i wasnt having it, i was INCAPABLE of having it and i refused to believe for a moment the pain of modernity is natural, but i saw it for what it was though i did not understand it at the time, i will always default to my god given instincts when i can, because they were here before any of the rest of you fuckers, there from the beginning with the breath of life. by saying what i say, im not just attempting to learn you some things, but create freedom for you, if you were at an awkward dinner party and no one had said a word in minutes because we all dont know each other outside of work and dont trust one another and are therefore on edge, say suddenly i should fart very loudly on accident, very embarrassing for me, but suddenly everyone is talking a little freer, because well if you say something embarrassing at least you didnt shit your pants like i did. youre welcome

[wu-tvng]

trauma and ptsd.

i don't really like how jarring the font size is for 'title' in the tumblr post so i will put it as a header in the description.

tee-hee:)

this morning or afternoon. i forgot. i mention how i have a lot to say, but seem to have no space or bandwidth to articulate it (it's tiring to introspect and unpack emotional luggage) but i was reading hot literati and i love how captivating short, simple, but intelligent her writing is. i aspire to write as crispy, fun, and me though as her.

i am learning to be gentle with thyself and i am kind of proud with how fast i learn through copying others and extracting only traits i find attractive and enticing into my own character/asrsenal loll. it kind of reminds me of that guy in food wars who copies ppl to the tee and then + his own cherry on top in the finale. kind of making it his, but not really bc 99 vs 1%

my problem is that i lack life experience and i isolate myself too much that im out of touch with reality. hence y im 24 sitting in front of my mac at almost 1am typing this, unemployed, and still acting like i am shi. im extremely delusional for this, but somehow i have a feeling things will sort itself out and ill be ok like i always wanted.

but the quote of being able to enjoy the moment and finding content and happiness in the daily or mundane keeps cycling back to me in this era. i think the universe is trying to tell me some.

i think i am content. and i am grateful. and i am ok, but not happy. i am v happy that i am ok bc for a long time this year i was not ok. i was actually extremely depressed and bed-ridden for months with occasional hangouts with eric that has secretly save me and directed me for the better. bc human interaction is important no matter how easy it is to be a hermit in the digital age and lock oneself in their corner of the internet (me, currently doing that rn (im a hypocrispy) :())

i no im a different person than before, maybe more lost, maybe more unhinged, def more fat. but i really dont know how much i have changed. howev, this year since i move back home has metamorphiszed me, and im not sure if its for the better bc i was undergoing one of the few intense depressive periods in life. i honestly cant say that it was my most depressing but all the hard ones always happen at home lol. its like a recurring epilepsy i have here. i have many intense depressive episodes that it seems that each new adversity i go thru that triggers this turbulence is easier than the past one. lol its actually crazy and it might explain why im ok even though i think most ppl might be wrecked by the frequent turmoil i have to navigate thou it often times is self-imposed i guess. but also this one was def a butterfly effect influence by years of adversion in treating mental health and not learning to deal with stress and responsiblities and pressure well. but i guess thats y im 24 and alive dealing, feeling, and not quitting:)

[ohtobeascruntycat]

Psycholonials was pretty good

A wild ride to be sure, but Z/Zhen is a good grey character and I liked her. Hussies strong suit is definitely in writing interesting characters

Also the zabby made me cry

[spinaroos-47]

can u send a picture of the character in the sea beast that had an antisemitism design? n maybe explain why is anti semetic?

I cant for the life of me remember her name. But i am going to rewatch the movie today so ill add the pictures later when i get her name

Its the lady crow makes a deal with. Just...its pretty much a pirate-like classic witch appearance, which witches in that classic green skin hooked nose look are a pretty common antisemitic design. There is other characters in the sea beast, including Jacob, that have a hooked nose, yes, but the way that was done on her really doesnt sit well with me and quite some other people.

Its not just the nose, though it is a big part of the problem.

I don't fully know how to articulate it, some people might have done that already and better than me, so ill look for those.

[nextstopparis]

What about some merlin questions are you up for that?

I'd like to know what your favorite episode or story arc is and also if you could write a canon compliant alternate universe fic that would come true which episode or moment would that be?

OHHHHHHH OKAY omg idk if this will be long but. if it is im sorry

my favourite episode has changed over time. it used to be the eye of the phoenix episode (bc of gwaine, ofc, but also bc competent/smart arthur is nice to see every now and again etc), but i think now its 2.08 (which im sure no one saw coming😫) however special shoutout to 1.09, 2.12, 3.07, and 5.13 bc 🫶🫶🫶🫶 (i also want to give SOME props to the troll eps because while they do make me uncomfortable and i think theyre ehhh… i also think some of the best writing for arthurs characterization came from them so. sigh. you win some u lose some i guess)

my answer for everything else sort of branches off from 2.08 being my favourite. i love the history between nimueh and uther and ygraine and i looovveeeee all the complications and twists and implications that come with arthur being born of magic. that the thing uther has raised him to hate and fight and whatever is directly responsible for his birth and so very inherent to him as a person—not just bc of his destiny but because its literally responsible for his existence. like we always talk about how big of a hypocrite uther obviously is but i dont think ive ever seen anyone talk about how deeply fucked up it is that uther has such a deep rooted hatred for the thing that—sure, may have killed his wife (though thats his own fault) but also—made the birth of his SON possible. and then made his son hate it and fear it as well. (and just the fact that it never quite stuck, anyway.)

i really like the story arc of 2.08 and how arthur proves himself noble and worthy to morgause just by virtue of being himself and sticking to his ideals. i love the interaction he has with ygraine (and the fact that it could be ygraine or it could be not ygraine or it could be mostly ygraine but not fully). i love that the first thing he says to her is sorry. i love love love getting a glimpse into how arthur thinks of his mom and the relationship he has with her and her ghost and so on. just everything about that interaction (from the hug to the reveal to the sudden loss to the lighting to the fact tHAT HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE HER to her saying she loves him shes proud of him uthers betrayal doesnt matter she wouldve given her life willingly anyway) is so so so good to me.

i also like the confrontation with uther. i cant tell you which one i like more because the idea of arthur having such vulnerable and significant interactions with BOTH his parents maybe a day apart is overwhelming even for me but. theyre both excellent in different ways. i love how cold he is at first when confronting uther and i love how he figures uthers hypocrisy out in 2 seconds flat and i love how he progressively loses the cold control and becomes so betrayed and angry and HURT and sksbsksnksjsks just. 2.08 is honestly one of the best episodes ever. i could go on about arthur in the scene with uther but like i dont even know how to articulate it. “you speak of honour and nobility. you’re nothing but a hypocrite and a liar.” really just speaks for itself. (ALSO THE FIGHT SCENE WHERE HES LITERALLY FOCUSED AND ASSESSING HIS FATHER LIKE AN ENEMY AND UTHER FUCKING AIMS TO TAKE HIS HEAD OFF EVEN THOUGH THAT MOVE IS NOT NECESSARY IN ORDER TO PROTECT HIMSELF? LIKE HE LITERALLY GOES FOR A KILL AIM AT HIS OWN SON TWICE DESPITE SAYING I DONT WANT TO FIGHT YOU AND IM UNARMED AND BLAH BLAH BLAH) (like this episode is great for arthur and thats the main reason why i like it so much, but its also a very telling episode for uthers character. LIKE HE HAS A CHANCE TO COME CLEAN AND JUST FUCKING LIES ANYWAY AND ACTS LIKE THE VICTIM OHHHHHHH IM sorry im getting angry. love the ep but the anger i feel because of how they chose to end it will keep me rolling in my grave).

that being said, if i COULD write a canon compliant fic (i mean u can find two here) i would change the ending to that episode. i dont care if merlins there and just doesnt lie or if merlin somehow is absent, all i would change is that arthur would not be lied to again. i would make it so that he knows the truth. thats it. i dont care if he kills uther (to be honest i dont think he wouldve anyway but maybe thats just me) i dont care about literally anything else id just. id let him have the truth he’s entitled to. and id let him have that memory of his mother.

[wizisbored]

oki so talk to me about snake oil things. not thinking anything specific but craving your Thoughts

I've mentioned this a couple times without really going into it, but basil doesnt talk much. im not really sure where that idea came from, i was just drawing her with her black eyes and there was something about her face that made me think shes quiet. she can talk, and she does when she needs to, but not much past that. i hesitate to call it selective mutism, since from what i can tell thats classed as a childhood anxiety disorder, and this is a trauma thing. but its for sure more of a mental block than a concious choice. i need to develop the exact source of it a bit more, but its something like this:

her death struck her speechless, understandably. what do you say in response to that? she didnt have the answer to any questions or a response to anything said. she couldnt find the words to articulate her anger, but it didnt matter, because beetlejuice already knew why she was mad, and the wordless yelling suficed. and then the maitlands were asking what she wanted to do with her body, and she didnt know. and then when she did know, she was certain of it, and she didnt want to hear any input because her mind was made up. she didnt feel the need to explain, because she was doing it only for herself. she only briefly told the maitlands she was leaving, because she didnt want them to ask her to stay, she didnt want to let them pick apart her reasoning. i guess it all sort of boils down to the idea that shes out on her own, alone, and shes determined to fend for herself now, and if she doesnt let anyone know where shes going or what shes doing or why they cant argue.

and on the topic of why basil is the way she is, i said when i talked about her needing to be more Creature that i could go into the why, and so i will now. in short: she is very visible now.

i dont think her ghost emerged looking quite as demonic as she does by the time she meets skye. the black eyes i think will be from the start, but her nails arent really claws yet, and she only has like maybe little nubs of horns and a stub of a tail. maybe not even that. they grow though, because she wants to be seen, and she wants to be seen for what she is. she wants beetlejuice to see what he did to her, what he turned her into, and she wants ghosts she encounters to know that shes dangerous and should be taken seriously. her original form, a sickly kid with valves in her arms, is very obviously a dead bleed breather. and depending on who she encounters that gets her either disrespected or pittied. she doesnt want either of those. im not saying she makes a concious effort to look more demonic, but her form shifts to line up with how she wants to be seen. most ghosts cant do that, aside from some distortion abilities they stay how they die, but as a demon shes more changeable.

[chanaihimaa]

FFXIV Write #8 - Adroit

Chanai drifted away and parked himself against a wall somewhere tucked away from the crowd, a sense of feeling flighty and cantankerous plucking at his seams like a delicately stringed lyre. The meeting of a man with more weight than the mass he carried on his person was in order this night – someone worth striking a deal with – and, damn it all, now he’d gone and let Jace out of his sight. The cogs of his imagination was unkind, painting visions of someone skewering the man in the back with a knife. There was no dignity about it – none at all. But some would feel Jace didn’t deserve it and now… No. No, no-one was going to stab Jace in the back. Not here. But that didn’t stop Chanai from chewing through his cheek and his attempts to cease the sweat accumulating in his palms. Gods damnit, what had gotten into him? As adroit as he was at working these things before, he knew this game like the back of his hand. So what the Hells was wrong with him?

“Are you Chanai?”

His train of thought abruptly stuttered. Chanai glanced once, gave a double-take, and furrowed his brow under a heavy frown at the woman as if he had been outright insulted, his jaw setting. “Feck off,” he bristled bluntly before a far more articulate thought could come to mind. A suitably mortified gasp fueled the woman’s departure without so much as another word. …That was cruel, he regrettably thought, a momentary twist in the low of his belly quicker than the belated urge to wring his fingers. Surely she didn’t mean any harm by it, did she? That woman didn’t deserve being snapped at, even if she probably was no better than the people she surrounded herself with. These kind of people… They didn’t think they’re selfish, but they are. Some might even convince themselves that they, to a vast degree, were good. They may hold charitable events under questionable circumstances with no show for where exactly the gil went other than plump their already fatten gil purses and feel partly moved to spare their leftovers to those in and outside the walls for the sake of making themselves feel better. Just enough to say they’ve done ‘their part’ to help them sleep at night and carry on with their life. It disgusted him, viscerally. Playing this part, being around them longer than he necessarily had to b– “You wouldn’t mind if I stand here, do you?” Fuck me sideways. Chanai barely acknowledged the older man that approached him. “Ain’t no stoppin’ you,” he muttered distractdely, searching the crowd for Jace’s figure. Jace was tall enough that one really just needed to be on the look-out for someone that fit the ‘silver fox’ description. He spied Dina, caught up in conversation with some other halfwit, but Jace was gone. Godsdamn. Probably schmoozing, but– “Cigarette?” The man attempted to offer him. “Not from you,” Chanai automatically quipped. He had more things on his plate to worry about. “Ahhh~ I get it. Not one for things like this, I take it.” the man mused. It was then Chanai felt obliged to at least spare a look, if only to understand why he hadn’t taken the hint yet. He was probably the same age as Jace; blonde, a little shorter with a forgettable face. The man sniffed on a rather dry curl of a soft smirk as he fiddled to light his own cigarette. “Are you sure? You look like you could use a cigarette,” he tried. Chanai’s eyes subtly narrowed. “I’a don’t do small-talk,” he said, shortly. Jace, he thought, almost a little frantically, as he turned his eyes to scan the crowd once more, why’d you have to fucking bring me here?

“I know,” the man murmured, exhaling a small flume of smoke. “I was watching you. You’re quite unfriendly, you know,” he noted absently, letting cigarette ash drop onto the marble floor at his feet. “I like that.” Oh, Gods, a melter. Not now. Chanai resisted the urge to bolt for the nearest exit. “Sounds like a right problem for you t’work through on your own, aye?” He didn’t mean it to be funny. He never meant for it to sound funny in any way, but the man laughed all the same. “I guess it is,” the man chuckled, taking it as an invitation. “You’re the new addition making a muck of things, aren’t you?  The one who sold information over for…” A twinkle of intrigue illuminated caramel brown eyes. An annoyed click of his tongue. “M’sorry, and you are?” Chanai asked, irritated despite himself. “Arnor,” the man introduced himself without falter as he turned his body slightly to rest his leaning shoulder against the wall, his sandy hair sweeping along his shoulders. Tobacco smoke curled Chanai’s face with a quiet reverence, tainted and sour. “Arnor Coldren, son of the friend of a friend. I’m afraid asking who is out of the question.” A snort. “Will I, yeah?” “The point is, I’m a wealthier lay than you, without a doubt, will ever have,” the stranger’s head canted softly on a smokey exhale. “What do you think?” For the first time that evening, Chanai felt the soothing wave of calm he’s felt all night wash over him as he stared up at Arnor and straight into his eyes. “O’what? A right-bollix with a face that could drive rats from a barn? Come now, lad. If nothin’ else, ‘ve got standards. Don’t insult me.”

-----

@roguestly for the mention of her oc, Jace!

[oikawasass]

IM A BAKUHOE CAN U PLS DO 74 OR 76 WITH BLASTY ASS 🥺🥺🥺 - midoriya anon

hi I did both cause they were cute.

also new posting format baby lets goooo 😎

its also like almost 3am and this is half-ass edited so forgive me but I hope its alright

prompt 74 : “You’ve shown me what love can feel like.”

prompt 76 : “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

reassurance.

‣ pairing : bakugo x fem reader.

‣ oneshot.

‣ synopsis : bakugo finally confronts his girlfriend on why she’s been so distant.

‣ wordcount : 2.1k

‣ warnings : swearing, angst if you squint.

a series of heavy knocks could be heard on the other side of her door, immediately alerting her of who exactly it was. there was only one boy in the u.a dorms who could knock like he was about to punch straight through the wooden panel, and that was, of course, bakugo katsuki.

(name) shut off her phone and pulled her pillow over her head, dreading the conversation she knew would come about if she let him inside. so naturally, she ignored the knocks in hopes that the blonde who was about to start throwing down with her door would go away.

but we all know katsuki is far too stubborn for that.

another series of much louder knocks erupted from the doorway, as bakugo grew more and more impatient from the lack of response.

“oi, open up already dumbass, I know you’re in there.”

truth is, (name) had found herself in a bit of a rut, and had been feeling rather insecure for the past few weeks. the first little while she’d been begun feeling that way, she was able to bite the bullet and keep going about her life, pushing most of her negative thoughts aside as best she could. but now, for the past 5 or so days she’s been completely cut off.

talking to her boyfriend about things wasn’t hard for her. she trusted him and didn’t find it too difficult to open up when something was bothering her, but this was different.

insecurity was something bakugo typically didn’t acknowledge and quite frankly, looked down on most of the time. (name) didn’t wanna find herself bothering him with something she knew he most likely would think is annoying, hence the multiple weeks she had kept quiet about it, hoping it would go away on its own or she’d be able to figure it out herself.

unfortunately for her, things didn’t go quite according to plan when she continued to spiral downwards.

she’d been quiet in her classes, noticeably dodging bakugo and her friends, not sticking around for lunch or after training like she normally would, and everyone noticed she was off. everyone including katsuki.

he wanted to give her space to ‘sort her shit out’ before he began pestering and questioning her, as normally he’d want the same thing, but now it was coming up on a week and they’d hardly spoken. a few mutters of (name) saying “cant, homework.” or “sorry, I’m tired.” was all that had been said that week.

so naturally, bakugo got tired of all the silence and went to do what he did best. confront her. he wanted to know what the hell was going on, he was tired of pulling his hair out trying to figure out what he did wrong.

(name) didn’t answer the door once more. she knew she had fucked up pretty bad by ignoring him, but she didn’t know what else to do. and now she had to confront whatever problem she may have caused, which only made her want to curl up and hide more.

alas, when she heard a much softer, much quieter,

“please?”

coming from the hallway, she broke.

standing up with a heavy sigh, the (colour) haired girl stood up from her bed, rubbing her eyes and walking over to unlock the door, immediately going and flopping down into her mattress afterwards.

katsuki walked inside, shutting the door behind him and shoving his hands into the pockets of his black sweats. scanning over her figure, he took note of her tired eye bags, messy thrown up hair, and these fuzzy black penguin patterned pyjama pants which he knew she only wore when she was upset. paired with one of his hoodies she had stolen, of course.

“you look like shit.” bakugo grumbled, going and sitting down on the end of her bed, sinking into the soft (colour) duvet on top.

“good to see you too, babe.” (name) replied sarcastically, turning and shoving her face into a pile of her pillows.

there was an uncomfortable silence hanging over the room for a moment as katsuki figured out what he wanted to say, and it was obvious that (name) wasn’t gonna say anything first. with a heavy sigh, the blonde ran a hand through his thick, spiky hair and spoke up.

“did I- did I do something or whatever the fuck?” he asked, his words a bit harsh but his much quieter tone helping to deliver them much easier.

(name) bit the inside of her cheek gently, keeping her face hidden in the pile of sheets and freshly washed pillows.

“what makes you think that?” her response was mumbled by the fabric practically eating her face.

“don’t play dumb, shithead. you’ve been dodging me all week. you’re normally all- all clingy and shit and you never cancel plans.”

clingy. that one stung a bit.

“so if I did something to piss you off just- just fucking tell me already cause I’m getting really damn tired of-“

“you didn’t do anything, alright? chill out.” (name) cut him off, rolling onto her back so now the couple was making eye contact once more.

bakugo tsked, throwing his hands in the air a bit and letting them fall onto his lap.

“so then why the hell have you been blowing me off all week, huh?”

(name) sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes and sliding her hands down her face as she struggled with how exactly to articulate that she’d been feeling incredibly insecure and didn’t wanna be a nuisance to him without sounding like an absolute moron.

“I just- I’ve just been feeling shitty lately and I didn’t wanna bug you with it while I sort things out, okay?” she explained vaguely, nervously fidgeting with her fingers while she avoided his gaze.

when she mentioned she hadn’t been feeling well, bakugo softened up a little bit. he knew sometimes she got like this, having periods of time where she just wasn’t herself, but normally she came to him herself and told him what was up. so he couldn’t quite understand why this time was different.

bakugo sighed and stood up to go lay beside her, propping himself up on his elbow while resting his cheek in the palm of his hand.

“well why did you just say that in the first place, dumbass?”

he wasn’t a great advice giver, and he wasn’t great at comforting, but when it came to things like this he was a pretty good listener, so he always offered up his ears when (name) was feeling down.

“what’s got you down, huh? talk to me already.”

the girl beside him continued to fidget and play with her fingers, debating on whether she actually wanted to explain to him her feelings, or just shrug him off and do her best to convince the blonde it was something else.

she was ping-ponging back and forth. lie and most likely not get away with it but still not sound stupid, or tell the truth and have your boyfriend think you’re an idiot. a wide variety of lovely choices she had to choose from.

yet, in the end, she decided it would be best to be honest with him. oftentimes, nothing good came out of lying in these types of scenarios, and she surely didn’t want to fuck up more than she already might have. sure, katsuki wasn’t mad for the time being, but that boy’s temper can switch on and off like a light sometimes. so she still approached the situation cautiously.

“I feel just- annoying and like I’m a bother to you with this shit all the time so I didn’t wanna throw all my problems or whatever into you again, alright?

you’re practically this idol student who’s so damn cocky and confident in himself, so when….”

she sighed, trying to find the words once more.

“when I start feeling gross and insecure, or when I’m starting to completely flop in some of my classes, I just- i feel like I just become this huge weight on your back and..” she swallowed, slowing herself down as she felt herself begin to rant.

“…and it’s embarrassing! you shouldn’t have to deal with me feeling like an idiot, you have enough on your plate as it is and- and I should be able to deal with this kind of shit on my own, not immediately run to you whenever I feel-”

(name’s) midoriya-muttering speed ranting was cut off when a familiar pair of plush lips were pressed up against her own, immediately shoving all her worries into the back of her mind. she hadn’t realized how much she missed something as simple as a kiss from her boyfriend in the week she’d been distancing herself from him.

after a moment or so, when bakugo was sure she would be shut up enough for him to speak, he pulled away.

rolling onto his back, bakugo waved her over to him, using his other hand to prop up his head from behind.

“come here, just be quiet and listen for a sec will ya?”

(name) was not hesitant to cuddle right up into his side, tangling her legs in with his and resting her head atop his toned chest. after wrapping an arm tightly around her shoulders, rubbing her back slowly, the boy began to speak.

“it’s my job to be here for you, okay idiot? as sappy as it sounds, when you’re upset, I’m upset too. I don’t like seeing you down, it makes me feel like a shitty boyfriend for not bein’ able to help.” he leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

“you shouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me shit, doesn’t matter how stupid you think it is.

nobody’s perfect, alright? get that through your head.” bakugo said, flicking her forehead gently. (name) chuckled quietly.

“even you?”

“only sometimes, but that doesn’t leave this room.” bakugo answered, smirking to himself.

“listen, I know you’re a badass, and you can get through shit on your own. you’re strong as hell.

but that doesn’t mean you can’t take it. speaking from experience, sometimes it’s better to just bite your tongue and accept the help from people that care about you.”

(name) listened to every word that he said very carefully, letting them sink in as she processed them. it was rare that bakugo got like this, but when he did, it was rather impressive how easy he was able to make her feel better. his advice sucked half the time, sure, considering “blasting the fuckers to hell” isn’t always an option, but this kind of advice was something she’d keep with her always.

“you’re damn special, you know that? you’ve done somethin’ even better than getting a decent grade on your stupid chemistry test.”

bakugo stated, leaning his head back so his gaze was fixated on the ceiling, closing his eyes with a sigh. (name) furrowed her eyebrows together slightly, tilting her head up to look at her boyfriend.

“wait, but what did I do exactly?” she asked, curiosity lacing her tone. bakugo placed a hand on top of her head, ruffling her hair a bit.

“you’ve shown me what love can feel like. somethin’ I thought i’d never know or go through. so to do that, you’ve gotta be pretty fuckin’ incredible.”

(name) smiled up at him and leaned up a bit more to kiss his jaw, returning to her comfy spot on his chest right after.

“I’m sorry that I get like this. I’ll work on it, ‘kay?” (name) said quietly, still feeling a bit bad that bakugo had to go and tell her all this, though she can’t deny that it made her extremely happy to hear.

“shut up with that already, will you? you know I wouldn’t change a damn thing about you.”

and that was enough to reassure (name) almost completely, that her negative feelings and emotions weren’t as bad as she had been painting them out to be.

with a soft smile, and a slow close of her eyes, (name) nuzzled closer up into bakugo, her cheek squished up against his chest.

“I love you, you big softie.”

“yeah yeah, whatever. I love you too.”

[sadbarcarolle]

28.12.21*

it’s been years since i last used this tumblr... it’s crazy how much has changed since then and why am i back? so, i actually plan on turning this into some sort of digital public journal i’m too lazy to write instead of typing and my physical journal is almost full and i can’t really bother or afford to buy a new one so i wanted to do something digital instead and i have a private twitter account but for some reason it doesn’t feel enough/ i don’t feel comfortable to fully express myself there i kinda don’t want anyone to read this but i also don’t wanna have to actively hide it so that’s why i thought this tumblr was the best option since no one follows me here but it’s not exactly a private platform, you know? so yeah today it’s the 27th of december of 2021 and it’s currently 8:43am and i have been up since 9pm because my sleep schedule is this messy, yeah i sleep when i should be awake and vice versa i really wanna fix this because it’s kinda depressing ngl so i kinda wanna try to stay up all day so i can sleep when it’s nighttime but i don’t know if i can do it bc not only do i get really tired but also really disoriented when i stay up for too long but hopefully i’ll succeed i have a few house chores to do and i know that if i skip them once again my mom is gonna kill me (okay she won’t but she’s gonna be insufferable) she usually pisses me off but today i felt overwhelmingly fond of her for some reason so i wanna please her i also have an assignment and the deadline is on the 2nd of january so i really wanna get rid of it soon but i have to read a lot of shit in order to do it and i can’t help but keep putting it off cause i feel like i cant concentrate well enough because i’m always too tired or overwhelmed ? but hopefully i’ll manage to do it soon anyways something that i wanted to write about was... loneliness? i feel like loneliness has been this big theme in my life ever since i turned 16... i’m 22 now it’s not as big or as bad as it was back then but well it’s still here i have the most amazing friends, i really do i consider myself so lucky to have grown up alongside the group of people that i did because they’re such amazing people, really but sometimes i can’t help but feel distant reaching out feels so... idek it feels so out of the question for some reason i can’t help but feel like i’d be bothering them and that might not be true but even when i do reach out i feel like the response that i get isn’t the response that i need or... it just doesn’t satisfy me? i always feel like something gets lost in translation somehow and i just want to be seen i want to be seen so bad, i want someone to understand me and to hold space for me i can’t help but feel like all i do is hide there is so much bottled up inside of me and i feel so suffocated that’s one of the reasons why i’m doing this too, getting all of this out so i can make sense of these abstract thoughts and feelings i just wish i had someone who i could share this with i wish someone wanted to share something significant with me too i miss having that kind of exchange without feeling like i failed to get my point across or end up feeling misunderstood regardless of how many times i try to articulate something better i was gonna say that i also miss being told how someone’s day went but i feel like that’s something i can’t hold against anyone bc it’s something i don’t have to offer either as all my days have been pretty much the same and it’s so uneventful and boring that i’d feel embarrassed to have to tell someone about them but yeah i do miss that ... so another thing i should mention is that my family’s financial situation at the moment is quite... well it’s not good i don’t wanna say it’s bad because there’s a roof over my head and food on our table and i’m very grateful for that but yeah my mom’s business is not doing well and there are so many expenses we can’t afford rn :/ it’s very stressing it makes me feel quite anxious and it’s interesting that i became familiar with maslow’s hierarchy of needs just the other day which helped me understand better why this affects me this much ofc i already knew that it’s very reasonable to feel this way about this situation but now i know why it disturbs me so much? bc it really does i feel like it interferes with so many other areas in my life anyways i think this is enough for now idk if i’ll come back later today or when i’ll come back bc i don’t like to force myself to write like ever, i’ll only do it if i feel like it so yeah, till next time