#i really fucking doubt it

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

[plain-text version of this post can be found under the cut]

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

Plain-text version:

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

P.S. Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[essektheylyss]

It is WILD to me how many people just loudly broadcast their intention to scab, as if that isn't the fastest way to brand yourself as someone who will throw anyone else to the wolves in an industry that runs on collaboration, so every writer say it with me

[benevolenterrancy]

May your hardened heart be woken By the soft and distant song Of all you left here unspoken All the shards we keep stepping on - Take this body home Take this body home Call the wind, and let her know Take this life outgrown Take this broken soul Call the stars, call them all And take it high, take it far, take it home

[vaguely-concerned]

the mourn watch background gives you such a GIFT in having other characters notice and call out on-screen that rook code switches like a motherfucker. the whiplash of hearing my snarky 'heeey I'm just a little guy! :>' funnyman rook speak the heightened ritualized phrases of the mourn watch with perfect seriousness and gravity completely naturally and/or break into an academic tone that can keep up with emmrich at the drop of a hat never stops giving me such endless delight. truly their real mind is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside some hideous mourn watch casual wear

[nyaacatboy]

i'm having thoughts about amatonormativity and why it sucks and they're long-winded and hard to properly express bc it's late at night but i wanted to share them so i summarized them with a meme

this realization brought to you by the realization that a lot of people who say acephobic shit without actively denying asexuality exists just mentally swapped "virgin" for "asexual" and carried on with their lives. this best evidenced by people being "accepting" of asexual women but ignoring/erasing asexual men.

[fazgoo-connoiseur-1987]

genuinely so so so so happy about Ralph's apparent semi-close friendship with totally not William Afton you don't get it. That's so funny. They've gotten dinner together enough times for Ralph to note how Dave never pays. How he's good at bowling. How he has the tendancy to answer his own questions and be a bit snarky. They have BANTER. Ralph has BANTER with this serial killer in hiding and it's fucking amazing.

[fascinationstreetmp3]

there are sooo many problems in armand and daniel's relationship, but this exchange highlights a big one imo: no matter what daniel says, thinks, or tells him, armand rarely believes daniel is telling the truth. armand spent years assuming daniel thought he was lying when he confessed he's never made another vampire, when daniel has believed him the whole time.

armand is told and shown one thing by daniel, but believes another.

he thinks daniel resents him for turning him into a killer, when daniel gets a rush from killing. even if he has trouble disposing of bodies afterwards, he enjoys the act of taking human life, and he wants to stay with armand and keep doing it forever.

armand thinks daniel has never understood or wanted to understand what being a vampire really means, when that's all daniel has ever wanted; he falls in love with the monstrous part of armand, it gives him a thrill to imagine what he does to sate his hunger, he loves knowing that he's killed someone recently, and he asks armand if he can watch him hunt— which armand refuses.

it's why i think when armand says sybelle is the first mortal to ever tell him "i love you", it might not entirely be true...

... or at least, even if he's never said it aloud, daniel must've thought "i love you" over and over during their years together. except armand never believed daniel really loved him, he only loved his blood and his power and wanted it for himself. maybe he believed daniel simply thought he loved him, because he had nothing else. maybe daniel only ever really told him he loved him when he was given the blood, and that confirmed what armand believed. whatever it was, any love that daniel felt was not real in armand's eyes, especially as it began to be eclipsed by a form of hatred, which was partly borne from daniel's frustration at being treated like nothing but a toy and doubting that he meant anything to armand at all.

armand felt he was never truly honest with daniel and his love was possessive and complicated, so he couldn't understand that daniel's obsession with immortality had long ago evolved into wanting immortality specifically by armand's side.

daniel wanted to live forever with armand because he really truly did love him, to the point that it ruined him. but armand could never believe it. and riddled with guilt after turning him, he believed there was no chance daniel would ever really love him now.

[dendroaspis-viridis]

I'm begging you, BioWare... Learn from the mistakes of Baldur's Gates past...

[martyreddie]

kept seeing this stunning and heartbreaking gifset on my dash, found myself staring at that second gif every time i scrolled past, realised i haven't done a quick study piece in god knows how long, decided to fix that.

a bit scratchy and messy, but all in all i'm pretty happy with it :)

[theswedishpajas]

Based on my favorite gif lately

[jakeperalta]

every day we inch closer to the inevitable release of taylor's "all the haters are throwing shade at my relationship but I don't care" music about matty and for that reason I live in fear

[harukapologist]

posting it here bc im cringe uuh i sketched some of my comfort characters playing uno

[chuuzmii]

Omg nobody is saying eddie is queer because he had a few bad relationships with women like can we sit here and be honest with ourselves and say that HIS RELATIONSHIPS (excluding marisol bro rlly fucked that one up) WERENT EVEN BAD!! But there have been sooo many reasons over the years to think Eddie is queer? "I don't like dating it feels like performing." Cut to Hen giving him an odd look. "Ive never seen a man turn off a woman with so much skill." "It's a gift." "They weren't my type." Like we could really keep going because the amount of tthings he says that just come off as glaringly queer is abundant. But then we can look to his past AND SEE THINGS THEREEE!!! Eddie didnt marry Shannon out of love but out of duty. Do you know how many queer men get married to women because they feel like its what they should do? Eddie isn't hanging on to Shannon out of love but because she was christophers mother. Everytime he talks about her its NEVER ABOUT HER! He never goes oh she was kind she was soft she was sweet she was literally anything a man would say about a woman they loved and lost. He just says she was Christophers mother. That doesn't sound like a man who truly romantically loved his wife.

Then moving on to Ana. She was quite literally the perfect woman. Like she stood by and helped him after he got shot and they had barely even rlly been dating when that happened. You cannot tell me that him having panic attacks every time he thinks of going any further with her isn't indication of queerness. Dude is struggling to make a family with women but is relaxed and happy making one with a man? QUEERRRRR. But once again this relationship was less about Eddie and more about Christopher. "My son loves her?" "Is that enough?" Like Buck was right it WASNT enough because he didnt even like her enough to introduce her as his gf to ravi (this was truly evil).

And okay maybe ur like "Ana was his first gf after Shannon ofc he was having panic attacks!" But then look at what happened with Marisol.. he tried to go a step further with her then immediately regretted it and asked her to leave right after. He struggles in all of his relationships because he cannot bring himself to feel what he's supposed to feel for them. I also truly believe the Kim thing was partially him self sabotaging his relationship.

I could honestly keep going and talk about the military and toxic masculinity, i could bring up him having to be the "man" of his house, hell i could bring up marisol being a nun. This MAN IS QUEER TO MEEEEEEE

[mamawasatesttube]

i think at this point kon fans who dont give a shit about bernard dowd deserve financial compensation

[imliterallyjustsittinghere]

Who would you be in a horror movie?

Create your own look here!

Find out who you are in a horror movie here!

I was tagged by @nburkhardt

Tagging: @i-less-than-three-you @afewproblems @scarcrossdlvrs @mcneen @absurdityaddiction and everyone who wants to do it.