#i really do hate buying from online stores so i dont have a sense for them

[thatneoncrisis]

would it be any more sustainable for you to run a small merch store? you could stock prints and stickers and maybe pins or whatever but wouldn't have to pay travel to art shows. plus it doesnt technically have to constantly be in stock, it could be made to order whatever. i know this is also pretty difficult to do as someone who wants to do so myself but!! idk just wanted to suggest it on the off chance u hadnt thought of it

that Does seem like an interesting idea i just wouldnt have the faintest idea of where to start

[elrielbaby]

What do you think of the Gwynriels being too confident in their ship? Are you sure Az has feelings for Gwyn and is always looking for her and stuff? And what are they matte?

I have tried, really really tried, to see where they’re coming from. I’ve re read the books multiple times to ensure I’m not missing any context, I’ve looked at it through every angle possible and I still cannot fathom why they are so confident.

I have a couple of theories as to why they’re so confident and I’m feeling a little spicy today, so I’ll share. I could go in to heavy detail, but I’ll try keep it brief anon.

1. They hate Elain and so are looking for any other option. Literally anyone. G*yn happens to be in the bonus chapter and so they go with that, without really thinking about it* (I will circle back to this).

2. They blindly follow the word of one or two people online.They don’t like Elain, or they love L*cien (and they totally miss all the clues that say L*cien doesn’t actually want Elain but that’s a whole other can of worms) and so they accept other people’s interpretations - which those people very intentionally present as fact, and use them as a jumping off point, so when they go back to the books they have that other persons narrative in their head that far better suits their ideals and so they’re looking, twisting, turning any and all of the narrative to fit that. They are gaslighting themselves, basically.

3. They don’t re read the books and they don’t open themselves up to any other possibility. I can say for myself that before I started posting online about elriel, I had heard about G*riel after reading the books and re read them to be sure. I’m nearly positive a lot of them don’t do that, and either never re read or re read as per the second point.

As to the second part of this question, I don’t believe he’s got feelings for G*yn, nor do I think he’s always looking for her - so, I’m very sure of that. If you meant Elain, it’s pretty obviously laid out in the text, without SJM having Azriel and Elain say ‘I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM/HER AND I DONT CARE WHO KNOWS IT’ - because how does that make any sense when they haven’t had their book? If they had, I’d be less sure of their endgame.

As for the last part, I’m going to assume you’re asking if I think either G*yn or Elain are mated to Azriel. I do not believe G*yn is Azriels mate. At all. There are a few signs that Az & Elain could be, but it truly doesn’t matter to me if they are or not. I think SJM has been metaphorically winking at us with some of the things she’s said about them but it could go a number of ways, in terms of wether they’re mates or not.

One things for certain though - they’re endgame ❤️

* to circle back to them not really thinking about it, as I didn’t want to bog down the main text with this, they don’t seem to consider a number of different things.

They don’t consider that it’s a limited bonus chapter that was only available for one specific book store. It is not available in the copies of ACOSF you can buy now, nor was it available in a huge number of copies you could buy at its initial release.

They don’t seem to consider that if you remove the bonus chapter, we still have four books that include build up for them. It literally makes no odds as to wether the bonus matters or not. For them though? Most of their argument relies on that bonus chapter.

They don’t seem to consider any other reason as to why G would be in that bonus chapter. None whatsoever. The Elain part was explicitly romantic and if you look at G’s part there is no romanticism in sight. The ‘spark’ happened after a conversation with Clotho, not even when G was present. Almost like G didn’t actually have anything to do with it at all. If you connect the dots to the main text, at least for my interpretation, you have Elain & Az, who very clearly have feelings for one another. You have G, who has a powerful affect on Nesta, and Clotho who also has, to a smaller extent, a powerful affect on Nesta.

And those are just the few things off the top of my head that I have the bandwidth to come up with right now. ❤️

[astrobiche]

Astro notes 6 ~ callout edition~ 🗣️

Yall already know the drill : take what resonates as this is a generalization and the whole chart matters. If you can't take a roasting, pls scroll away 🧚

My sag mercury virgo mars won't hold back so it could sting 🐝

• Aries placements, what's with you and making plans to hang out when you know damn well you'll never follow through with them? also can you SLOW DOWN? You wanna get 289283 things done when you dont even know how to begin anything properly yet, so impatient you try to give everyone else a headache when you already got one, deal with that first then get on with making plans and shit 🤨

• taurus placements, the world isn't gonna be out to get you if you share personal information or your aspirations. Also, stop complaining about homework and daydreamig about marrying rich as a coping mechanism for when you're behind on all the stuff you gotta do 🤨

• gemini placements, we know you're smart, you don't need to argue with the teacher about that theorem to prove you can outsmart them. I know you got all the tea on everyone but you don't like it when people got tea on you? 🤨 also when will you finally realize you talk too much? And you know you wont die if you dont flirt for fun right? Right?

• cancer placements, for the love of god, use another word besides "i feel like/i feel that/ feeling" for when you want to express yourself. Also can you stick to something and not wake up the next day hating that hobby you claimed you loved the day before? And in case you're wondering, yes it is manipulation if you're playing with their feelings and being "nice" just to get them to do something for you. Also get ur ass out of bed jeez. 🤨

• leo placements, you can't just adopt all the cats in the world. I know its hard but you gotta practice some restraint. Also, nobody needs to reply to your text right away? They're not necessarily disrespecting you. You can say you don't like attention all you want but we all know you secretly enjoy it, and flash news : not everyone is jealous of you, the world doesn't revolve around you 🤨

• virgo placements, baby calm down it will be just fine i know you worry all the time, i know every time you see a situation/person you try to fix them but you REALLY don't have to. And can you not be so condescending? The way you talk as if you know everything better than everyone ain't it chief 🤨 and i know you dream about becoming a CEO or get a high position job so bad because you believe you have the power to make the best decisions and you'll get a paid for criticizing everything and everyone hmm

• libra placements, that bag is SO cute but if you keep buying every pretty thing you see in the store, you'll go broke in no time. Also, can you slow down on watching all those makeup tutorials and dreaming about ~the perfect relationship~? And why do you wanna be a scorpio so bad? You also get so irritated when someone copies you as if you didnt base your entire personality off of that one classy character from that netflix show? Make it make sense 🤨

• scorpio placements (dominants especially), you don't have to hide all the time and push people away when they're trying to get you to open up, it's healthy to talk about your problems. And black isn't the only color that exists y'know? You wanna be mysterious so bad like pack it up water sign we know you're spilling all your cherished secrets to a stranger online at 2am 🤨

• sag placements, you love challenges right? I have the perfect one for you : *drumroll* #make up your mind challenge! See it through and you win a trip to europe. And have you ever considered maybe just maybe there's probably no deep meaning to that little trip to the grocery store? And for the love of god, pay attention to your surroundings and stop knocking over every object you walk past. i know sagittarius rules thighs so what do you do? You use them to run away from your problems 🏇 they're gonna be waiting for you no matter how far you're travelling buddy 🤨

• cap placements can YOU STOP TAKING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY? jeez also its fine to ask for help, its not humiliating i promise. you pack everything down and lock it up until all the pent up emotions just explode out of nowhere, it's honestly scary 😟 you claim to be all professional but deep down you wish someone would just give you a hug and baby you so cut the act 😐 also you can be so rigid?! It's fine if you switch things up a little from time to time. And sorry not sorry, you don't get enough shit for being two faced 🤨

• aquarius placements, i know you keep talking about how leos seek attention 24/7 as if you dont crave the same thing?? You'll die if your friends dont listen to your advice or check up on you, also you probably didnt know this but listening to mainstream songs wont make you lose cool points 🤨 and here's a new concept for you when you get mad : ~communicate~ instead of giving people the cold shoulder, leaving them wondering what they did wrong. You've been having that song on loop for the past 5 days i think your ears are about to sue you bruh 😟 also we gotta work on that god complex and inferiority complex? Like damn pick a struggle 🤨

• pisces placements, you weren't born to save them okay? Know when to walk away. And it's not good for you to indulge in every new little thing you stumble upon. And for once can you admit you're wrong 🤨 you always act like you're a victim and everyone else is ~evil~ 👹 here consider this : maybe it's your fault? Also you're mad scary when you get mad like damn the fact nobody sees it coming is what makes it so chilling 😟 i know you wanna keep living in lalaland and use any means to get there *wink* but bruh you gotta come back to earth and learn to distinguish fantasy from reality, stop trying to drown pain in liquor and go to therapy if needed 🤨

[supervillanelle]

I WANT U TO ANSWER QUESTIONS 14 THROUGH 50 FOR THAT ASK THING, OR IF THATS TOO INSANE A NUMBER JUST PICK SOME RANDOM ONES, IDK BUT I LIKE READING YOUR ANSWERS SO IF U DID ALL OF THEM I'D THINK THAT WAS GREAT anyway idk why im yelling now get 2 work

ALLISON WTF?????????????????? THATS 37 QUESTIONS IM LAUGHING SO FICKING HARD FGKSHSDUDUFUDUFIFKGIGIFIFUCUAGSGDHFJFIFJDJSJSUSJIVJCIHXHOXHCHXIGXYSYYDJFLKFDKFAKFAKGZZG IM GONNA DO IT HANG ON

(It was supposed to be 37 questions but i skipped the ones i had already answered, okay?)

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

Not at all 😩 i have no talents, babe

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a leo, and i dont believe in astrology, but sometimes i can relate to my sign

19. Favorite old film?

Old films are really not my thing BUT i really like scary movie 1 and 2, and the exorcist (those were the only old movies i could think of im sorry shakshskshsj)

20. What’s your hairstyle?

ugh okay its curly and brown and very short and it needs to be stopped

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

I really like when its sunny with clear skies but like, its not awfully hot, its just, nice

22. What upsets you most about the world?

Lots of things upset me, but two things upset me the most: how much prejudice there is, and how unfair the world is!!!

Like, sexism, homophobia, racism, thats so fucked up and some people actually agree with it??? lik what the fuck? how can you hate someone just for being different than you? and sexism is just so bad bc we’re so used to it that we accept all kinds of stuff bc its just normalized to us, you know? We accept men acting like shit and we agree with them and support their behaviour bc we learn that way, that men can be shitty and they dont have to try to be better people, but we’re so quick to judge women for literally anything they do, and it just keeps being normal to us!! we need to fucking change the way we act!!!

And with how unfair the world is, like, some people have so much while some have so little! its so fucked up!!!! and believe me, i know its not my place to say this bc im fucking privileged but its just so fucked up!!!!!! people like me who were born in a family with money just go through life so easily, we dont know shit anything and we still have the nerve to think we’re bettee than others, its so fucked up!!! And there are people who were born with no money, with no decent family, and just bc of that its allowed for them to live like shit? to not have any kind of support in life? if they need food, housing, medical care, they just have to deal with it and be strong and get through it, or start working as a fucking child?????? its just so fucked up but its never gonna change bc the people who really have money just dont wanna give up a tiny bit of their huge privilege to make it fair for everyone else, and everyone just have to be ok with all that???

23. Are you in love right now?

God no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

I have a lot of crushes GSKSBSKSBSKSBSK i have online crushes, i have real life crushes, i have crushes that mean nothing to me and i just like them so im not bored shakshjs BUT theres this girl, shes kinda bi? (that what she says), shes my friends sister and fuck i just wanna make out with her for 3 days nonstop, shes just so fucking pretty, and funny and hot and nice and smart and fuckkkkkkk im lonely

26. Do you have a lucky number?

Not lucky numbers but like, just numbers that i like, 5, 7, 12 and 15

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

On a fallen eyelash yes but its not something i do all the time lol

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

What the fuck are emoji spells?

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

Dude shakshskssh no!!!!!

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

I dont know dude, i think freedom is pretty beautiful to me, having the freedom to do what you want, loving who you want, being loved, being happy with yourself without any pressure idk if that makes sense

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

I love both!!!!!!! Literally my thing

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

I love saxophone and violin!!

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

Wind not so much, its kinda scary tbh, but the sound of rain is just great!!!

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

Ok so i have like, two different thoughts, i either live in a small apartment, in a big city, im not good with living with other people but i hope this changes, so eithwr alone or with a roomate is fine by me, with a cat and/or a dog, and im happy with my life! Or, if i end up being super rich, i live in a big house, again by muself ot with roomates is fine, and i have way more than just a dog and/or a cat, and a big pool, and im happy with my life (tbh just picture jenna marbles’ life and its that!!

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup?

only when i go to some party or bar and i wanna make out with someone, otherwise i never use it, and i dont even have make up, i use my sister’s or my mom’s

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

I do!!! I cant really explain but like, its above the knee, no sleeves but like a thin strap? and its dark blue with little green zebras all over it

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

Romantically or in a friendship? Yes for both. I just stay sad forever, but it just gets less shitty with time

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

In real life its this girl from college but rn shes actually mad at me so idk if shes still close to me lol but shes so nice and funny

41. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert that becomes too much and bery annoying after you get to know

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

I have NO IDEA what mbti is

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, a or an angel?

I think id be a vampire

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

ive been thinking about this for a while now and i cant remember the last time someone showed me a song

45. Parlez-vous français?

No (thats no in french btw)

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

London and nyc are fucking amazing

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

When im home alone in silence ugh amazing

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is goreous!

Not really? Im good but thanks?

49. Favorite shoe you own?

All my flipflops, my converse and thats it

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

I can and i actually love wearing heels i think my legs look great on them

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[stabbingandorbeingstabbed]

IT TOLD ME "BAD REQUEST" WHEN I TRIED TO SEND THIS LAST TIME SO IM GONNA TRY AGAIN ANYWAY I LOVE THESE 9, 11, 19, 21, 23, 29, 43, 44, 64, 76, 89, 92, 98

HALLIE BLESS YOU for never giving up i LOVE doing these god ALRIGHTY

9. favorite smell in the summer?

honestly probably like. sunscreen and chlorine?? even tho i havent gone swimming in like the better part of a decade it just smells like Childhood u know??? simpler times lmao

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

well on an average day i wake up in the morning just long enough to take bean dip out and feed her breakfast and then Immediately shuffle back to bed until i have to go into work at like 2pm so usually i have like a Tiny glass of orange juice and a 6 hour nap for breakfast tbh

19. sleeping position?

on my stomach sprawled out but also contorted around my tiny dog who somehow manages to sleep in the Dead Center of my queen sized bed Every Night Without Fail

21. obsession from childhood?

okay as a kid i was kind of obsessed with titanic around the time the movie came out so i was about 5?? but like i wasnt Allowed to see the movie so i just tirelessly researched the disaster itself which kind of alarmed the adult figures in my life?? i was also obsessed with mummies but i feel like thats a bit more acceptable lmao

23. strange habits?

i dont really know how Strange it is but i end up at the nearest 24 hr grocery store almost every night bc im genuinely nocturnal and i get Restless at around like 12-3 am and just want something to Do so i’ll just. go to meijer and peruse the cosmetics aisle for like a suspiciously long time and always end up buying something bc i already LOOK like a teenage delinquent and i dont want them to think im coming in to steal lipstick like i did when i actually WAS a teenage delinquent 

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about mcr like literally this is the reason me and my long distance bff are still So Close bc he can put up with my Rambling about The Boys and i listen when he calls me from his apartment in scenic ryan ross’ upper digestive tract like its all about having shared or adjacent interests babey!!!! lmao

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

i definitely wear my denim jacket with the patches the most but i wouldnt be a true jacket slut if i didnt give honorable mention to both my leather jackets and my Stupidly Large bomber jacket id be nothing without them

44. favorite scent for soap?

ooh this is gonna be Controversial but i worked at lush for the holiday season like a few years back and fell in LOVE with their karma soap which is literally just like Straight Up Patchouli with a LITTLE hint of sweet orange and like id bathe in that shit and follow it up with karma lotion and for like a year everyone was like “you smell like you work at a head shop” which was fair but whatever dude i think it smells Lovely lmao

64. favorite website from your childhood?

i did spend a Stupid amount of time on the mcr flash site playing that flying nun game and watching their music videos during my middle school computer class but my first like online Community was actually the fall out boy rocks message boards id spend HOURS lurking there AND its where i saw my first dick bc i was ON THERE when petes sidekick got hacked lmao like i. wouldnt be the person i am today if i hadnt spent so much time on the fobr boards tbh for better or worse

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

oh man if we’re going basic im saying fries but specifically fries from rallys/checkers and if we’re going Cultured im gonna say samosas filled with spiced potatoes bc i had them exactly one (1) time and never forgot and have been craving them like a motherfuck for the past week 

89. who would you put before everyone else?

the easy answer is my mom bc like, even tho we dont see eye to eye on almost anything at all shes put up with a fair amount of shit from me and is still willing to put me up while i try to get my life together and like be an actual adult so i kinda owe her lmao but if she doesnt count then definitely gerard way and there are no runners up

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights and lamps all the way idc if its like 2013 tumblr aesthetic i Hate overhead lighting its too Harsh!!!!

98. favorite historical era?

honestly im not really sure what else was going on in the world during this time bc history in a broad sense never really caught my interest but i’d LOVE to go back to when the spiritualist movement was in full swing and you could just like. go to a seance for fun on the weekend like that sounds like my idea of a good time

[surveysonfleek]

1635.

Who was the last baby you held? ryder. such a cutie pie. Would you ever dye your hair blue? id never do my whole head, thats for sure. How many people do you know that have a great sense of fashion? i think about two particular people straight away. no shade but no one in my immediate circle of friends have a distinct style. What age did you start feeling grown up? haha maybe 27. time really does fly Do you get annoyed easily? i hate repetitiveness and rudeness. if either or both of those things are involved id get annoyed easily

Yellow or green? green, ive been liking green lately Have you ever been on a cruise? yes, it was super fun! id love to go again (maybe for my honeymoon) Are cats one of your favorite animals? nope. i didnt grow up around cats so im a bit apprehensive around them How much sleep do you normally get each night? 6-8 hours Do you listen to heavy metal music? haha back in 2008, not anymore What’s your favorite song that has come out here recently? ive succumbed to damn jack harlow! first class is so catchy If you were to get a piercing, which would you like? What piercings do you already have? probably more piercings in my ear How many pictures do you have in your camera roll? thousands. i added back all my photos from my past iphones so i have the entire history now haha Have you ever done an internet challenge? i dont think i have Why did you last leave the house? groceries What is the last thing you purchased online? something from amazon, i was half asleep buying shit at 3am in the morning When did you last get a hair cut? a couple months ago Do you have layers in your hair? nope Do you have any half siblings? no What has recently annoyed you? not being able to sleep last night. im running on 4hrs sleep :( Do you get along with your exes? - How many pairs of jeans do you own? i rotate through the same 5 lol. i need more! What all have you done today? my day just started. i woke up, went to do groceries and now im back home When did you last go to a theater? last year i believe, i watched hamilton Who did you last compliment? idk hahaha Have you ever been pulled over by the police? yes, yearsssss ago when i got a speeding ticket Have you ever been banned from anywhere? nope When did you last purchase a balloon? What was the occasion? i bought it years ago, a big pack for work so we could decorate coworker’s desks on their bdays What is your typical weekend like? food, friends, staying in.  Do you ever use self checkout in stores or do you prefer waiting in line for an employee? i always do self service unless i have a really big trolleys of things What is the last fruit you consumed? does coconut water count? Are you a jealous person? not really. i always feel a pang of jealousy but its very short term, like a 5 minute thing haha How do you unwind after a stressful day? laying down What was your first kiss like? just awkward Have you ever done one of those inflatable obstacle courses? nope How old will you be next year? welp.  Have you ever had a buzzcut? no How long can you stand being in a car before you get bored? well my fiance and i just did an 8hr roadtrip 9 (each way) on the weekend. i didnt think i could do it but it honestly wasnt that bad, especially when we took turns driving.  What’s the last frozen thing you consumed? coconut water What’s your favorite bird? toucans!

[bastardrobocop]

on fallout 76

so, because im a fool i pre ordered fallout 76. frankly, i was going to buy it on release anyway because im starved for anything fallout and new california was a complete bust. 

anyway, this means i have had access to the “B.E.T.A.”, which isn’t really a beta. it’s just server stress tests. i’ve done every pc round so far and i feel like i can say pretty conclusively that it’s just not very good.

sorry, this is going to be a long meandering post

i dont know if its something they can fix in the like, week before they launch the game, but the delay/latency/feel is so fucking whack it’s unbelievable. the multiplayer fallout new vegas mod feels like it has better netcode. in addition, it is dreadfully optimized. i play on a laptop, so maybe take my perspective with a grain of salt, but i’m not the only one who has pointed this out. i use an nvidia 970m, which runs fallout 4 at around 50/60 frames per second. fallout 76 tops out at around 10-30 on average. just wandering the world, the framerate is atrocious. performance is best in small interior cells and in wide open spaces with nothing in it. in more dense and enemy populated areas, the game stutters hard. more than once ive had the game freeze for several seconds during a firefight. its honestly inexcusably bad most of the time. with poor latency and framerate chugging, the gameplay experience is trying. it makes literally everything painful, including just inventory management and crafting. 

the gameplay itself isnt too awful in that its just fallout 4 again but without the pretense of minimal rpg elements. performance problems can make some engagements suck, but most common enemies aren’t too hard. however, the real nasty ones that are higher level than you can be nigh on impossible to take down solo, which sucks because my friends arent always available and dealing with online randos is always bad. but it’s also the only way to get like, good weapons. but anyway, the core gameplay loop is almost the same. i say almost because the ‘workshop’ storage is your only storage. and it has a 400lb limit. which takes into account anything you put in it. this should seem like an obvious issue; you basically cant afford to store things if you gather valuable resources. im currently stuck carrying this big fucking rocket launcher which is useless right now because i dont have any inventory space for missiles, which weigh a ton. also, ammo has weight now. and you can’t scrap ammo for ammo parts like gunpowder or lead. and you can’t sell ammo either. so instead you just have to like, dump hundreds of rounds just on the ground since you can’t store them in the workshop because you need space for steel and adhesive and that M2 Browning that you can’t use yet but want to hold onto because it looks bitchin. however, you can bulk scrap with plastic, which reduces weight by about half. however, therein lies another problem; plastic becomes a precious resource because you can’t make a bulk pile of wood without it for some reason. plastic is currently more precious than literal gold. still, you get stuck holding a bunch of valuable scrap in your inventory which you can’t put into your stash because it’s full and you can’t go out and find more plastic because then you’ll be over-encumbered and you cant afford to drop this circuit board and you can’t build any more things in your camp because the budget is painfully low and even when you DO get enough plastic to bulk things the bulked stuff goes into your inventory and wont necessarily fit back into the stash and i’m still carrying this fucking missile launcher please god let me put down this missile launcher please oh please god

the ui is a disaster. it’s like they turned 4′s console/gamepad control scheme and doubled down on it; on pc, random keys are bound to multiple things and then also bound to a separate key, and you can’t re-bind things individually. so that means middle mouse is both ‘open favorite item wheel’ and ‘enter third person’ and ‘enter build mode’ when there’s also V which is also ‘enter third person’. you cannot change this. there will always be one button for this. there is still no separate binding for bash and grenade throw, of course. if you press escape, it opens the map. if you press m, it opens the map. to open the pause menu with things like ‘options’ and ‘microtransaction store’ and ‘quit the game’, you have to open the map with either escape or M and then press Z. there is no direct button to take you to the pause menu, as far as i can tell. when you go up to a workbench, there are three options; E to craft, R to scrap, Space to repair and modify. from this menu, if you want to scrap an item, you must mouse over it, and then select it. however, DO NOT MOVE THE MOUSE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. even if the prompt is open and asking if you want to scrap, say, a pump action shotgun, if you mouse over and the highlight moves over to your only power armor chest piece, it will scrap the power armor chest piece. even though it was asking if you wanted to scrap the shotgun. its potentially one of the most hostile interfaces ive ever seen. the bindings for ‘scrap mode’ and ‘scrap item’ in different menus also change. if i’m in the repair menu, G scraps an item. if i’m in scrap mode, spacebar does. the only good thing ive seen so far is the favorite wheel and also you can set it so you can see through your pip boy background while browsing it. 

the world feels desolate and boring. the lack of human npc interaction has been replaced with finding some dead persons holotape. there are robots. there is at least one AI. but all the questgivers are pieces of paper, holotapes, or voices on a radio. sometimes it’s a robot. you don’t actually interact though. there’s no interaction beyond listening and being told what to do. while im bitching about how the world feels, lets talk about factions. bethesda has kind of casually hyped up factions as being some kind of meaningful, cool choice. they’re literally nothing. there is no indication to other players what faction you are in. you can join every faction and reach top rank in every faction. you cant see if anyone is a member of your faction unless theyre in your faction specific base. there is no inter-faction conflict, there are very few faction quests aside from random events, and once you’re done with the main faction quest, you’re basically done for good except for repeatable ones. i honestly expected factions to be a meaningful choice, which was probably my mistake. i was hoping it would force you to commit to your current faction once you joined it, or would prompt you to abandon another faction in order to join a new one. but there’s just nothing. i was expecting something like, i dunno, destinys faction thing. like joining new monarchy. and maybe butting heads with members of other factions, like i figured the Brotherhood faction would be my enemy if i joined the enclave. but it’s just nothing. the world is nothing, the quests are nothing, everything just feels pointless. 

this is also a personal gripe, but there are like no energy weapon alternatives to small guns aside from the errant laser pistol, but ammo is extremely rare. the only new energy weapon i’ve seen so far is the plasma gatling, which is a big gun. otherwise, it’s just the crappy pistol/rifle converting laser and plasma rifle. no plasma pistol, just a pistol conversion. no laser pistol, just a pistol conversion. i’ve always loved energy weapons and just like. not getting any variety while guns and melee weapons get tons of variety is grating. there are many new ballistic weapons that look neat. the 10mm smg is back, and i am admittedly fond of it. however, 10mm ammo is painfully rare. i spend basically all my lead making more ammo for it. i can kind of get by with my laser pistol and my shotgun always makes up however much ammo i lose because a lot of enemies use shotguns, but my 10mm just goes up in smoke and there’s none to be found elsewhere. there’s a shocking amount of .308 because almost every early/mid enemy uses a hunting rifle, but i guess it makes sense because the big MG-32 thing takes .308 so they want you to be able to use it when the time comes. still, i’d rather be using an energy weapon. i want like. a recharger pistol. or the plasma rifle with all the tubes. or a pulse gun. just like. anything other than the ugly aer9 pistol conversion. i think the folks down at bethesda just dont like energy weapons very much; theyre leaps and bounds less viable than small guns. 

the enemies look okay. instead of raiders, you have the Scorched. they’re Marked Men, but weaker and also a cult formed by radioactive bats. there are super mutants, because bethesda cant be bothered to go outside of the comfort zone of Things People Recognize and also they hate lore i guess. the wild animals are kind of fun. theres a big toad that looks cute, and frogs that have MASSIVE arms that they run on, which looks funny. theyre small though. things like the mothman and snallygaster look neat. the flatwoods monster is okay. the grafton bastard is big and kind of easy to cheese out. there is a monster named after a flawed and racist interpretation of indigenous beliefs. theres a big sloth, who i love. the mole men (called mole miners) are intimidating and ANNOYINGLY precise with shotguns. they’re later game enemies and very aggressive. they drop a neat looking unarmed weapon that ive been using, called a mole miner gauntlet. it’s like a power fist with big claws. there’s a big bee called a honeybeast. ive basically covered all of the new monsters, though. everything else is from fallout 4 and dlcs. this includes things like anglers, which had obviously evolved on far harbor along with the lure plant so it doesnt make sense for them to be there, and gulpers which are big salamanders so i guess that’s more okay. there are swarms of bees that are just he same repeated png of a bee, spinning around. oh yeah, there are a couple new insect types; ticks and fireflies. both use the animations of the radroach and bloatfly, respectively.

solo play can be kind of boring and difficult. most randos you meet will either ignore you or call you a slur and run away. ive only had one guy break into my house and i murdered him. however, even though he had a bounty on his head, he was still allowed to get ‘revenge’ on me which meant he could spawn right next to me and this time he had a power armor suit, so he killed me a couple times before logging out to avoid my wrath. coward. if you’re out there dude, i’ll kick your ass. also, quick note about the bounty system; its kinda rough around the edges. i tried to save someones garden by shooting a ghoul that was stomping their flowers in the back. however, my shot somehow curved around him at point blank and broke a blackberry bush. from then on, i had a 20 cap bounty on my head. i had to hide from people in my secret enclave bunker and get my friend to kill me so i could perceive other people on the map again and also not live in fear of every tom dick and larry with a power armor frame and a bad attitude. 

i feel like i should wrap up. fallout 76 is not very good, but if they can work out performance and latency it wouldnt be too bad for just dicking around with friends. in terms of being like, a fallout game, it’s worse than 4. i haven’t gotten into story spoilers, but its not great. and it feels remarkably desolate for a game thats advertised as being a cool time with your buds. maybe itll be better when there are more people playing. i dunno. its just not very good. i dont recommend it.

[gb-patch]

the other night after getting baes field trip scene i ended up googling cute pyjamas (dont ask why) and found the inspo for that outfit and talking about it with a friend got me wondering: what the inspo was for the rest of the cast? are pran's outfits actually haute couture? if i wanted to take a leaf out of everetts book and dress like a 2011 hot topic dumpster fire where should i look? so many questions

Haha, it’s really neat that you stumbled on that! I’m afraid I don’t know actual stores well enough to make any real-world comparisons, but here’s an overall explanation of each guys’ sense of style~

Everett: He only shops at stores that cater exclusively to hip young kids. Everett gets the most unusual of his pieces from online shops, though he also gets some stuff from teen stores in the area. His general sense of style is a mix of actual fashion, hipster fashion, and ‘this looks cool in a picture but the world would be better off if no one wore it in public’ fashion.

Nate: Nate gets nearly all his clothes shopping done in the nearest big department store. He hates shopping so only having to go to one place is a relief. Occasionally he’ll go to a sporting goods store for more high quality exercise shoes/outfits. His look ranges from being nerdy to athletic and places in between. Either way, his clothes are always flexible/durable enough for a lot of physical activity in case something ever comes up.

Shiloh: He likes shopping at the mall, but will often go various disconnected stores around town. Shiloh likes going to as many different stores as possible in search of new hats to add to his collection. He aims to look generally pleasant rather than trying to match a certain type of style.

Bae: He does all his shopping online. Bae likes high-end, often imported, and often tailored to fit clothing. Bae usually gets his outfit ideas from local men’s fashion magazines and Korean fashion articles he finds on the web. When it comes to pajamas, he just looks for whatever is cute.

Jeremy: His parents do all the clothes shopping. They tend to stop by any store that happens to be in the mall and pick out stuff they think would look good on him. Because of that Jeremy’s wardrobe is a little dorky and very practical. The type of stuff a grownup would say makes you look ‘sharp’. And all in dark colors or at least muted colors because Jeremy would refuse to wear anything especially bright/colorful.

Pran: He buys everything at second hand shops in the area. Pran has a preference for flow-y and/or loose fitting clothes. He normally doesn’t wear thick layers or long sleeved stuff. With those specifications in mind, he usually picks up whatever stands out. Not surprisingly, it’s a lot of weird stuff that tend to give that impression.

Thank you for the question :D!

[artistictrance]

lgbt+ meme?

what is your sexual orientation? - demisexual :3c what is your romantic orientation? - demiromantic, so a full demi lol side note: demiromantic/demisexual is a person are ppl part of the ace community, they prefer to build a strong bond before even entering a relationship [and yes, im aware that most ppl are like this, but with demis its a bit more harder to feel attraction towards someone else without building a friendship first. of course nothing wrong with not finding anyone attractive, and no, it doesnt mean youre "picky"] what is your gender? - a female demigoddess cause why not B) [female] what is your sex? - like i said above, a female demigoddess [female] what pronouns do you use? - she/her/they/them how long have you been in the lgbtqa+ community for? - i have no clue tbh, i didnt realize i was demi till like...what?...2-3 yrs ago??? but then again, looking back during my middle/high school yrs ive always been demi and never noticed cause i thought i was straight [tho thats still kind of true, if that makes sense??? idk im still figuring it out] have you ever dated anyone in the lgbtqa+ community? if yes, explain what they identify as - ive been a single pringle so far my whole life how did you find out about the lgbtqa+ community? - tbh i didnt know much about the lgbt+ [besides gay/bi] till like college when i joined tumblr, so mostly from tumblr then some from school too (: do you have any friends in the lgbtqa+ community? -its funny cause my irl friends are mostly straight [minus 1 who is bi-curious], while the majority of my online friends are either gay, ace or both [with a few exceptional straight friends]. theyre all pretty great :3c have you ever been at a pride event? - no, but from the pictures ive seen it looks super fun! on a scale 0-10, how confident are you with your sexuality? - hmmm i guess 10? but i do remember when i first figured it out i was self-conscious about it cause i thought i was one of /those/ ppl who just picked a random sexuality to look "cool" till after some hard thinking/teaching, ive realized im ace af and proud B) on a scale 0-10 how confident are you with your gender? - idk, i dont really think much about it??? not sure how to explain it, but even if i identify as a girl, i dont really see myself as one? [maybe thats just my mind being mean to me and separating myself from all the other girls and yadda yadda. long explanation] are you out to anyone yet? - my mom and brother know, and all my friends do too but i guess most ppl just forget/dont remember what demi is do your parents know about your gender/sexuality? - yeah my mom knows, tho she has a bit of trouble understanding it, but i do my best to remind her and teach her again, and again do you ever get misgendered? -tbh i dont even know :/ i remember one time some guy in hs called me a guy cause of how i was dressed? [school hoodie and some jeans] but then again, he was a pretty annoying and stupid person so i dont really count it plus i wasnt the only girl wearing something like that on a cold day have you gotten any hate for your gender/sexuality? - not gender, but ive had close ppl tell me that "ppl shouldnt label themselves like this, it doesnt make sense" so obviously that hurt ;v; in all honesty, do you think that theres a sexuality that might not be valid? - no, all sexuality is valid. tho those toxic/nasty ones, i dont label them as "sexualities," i label them as "ppl who shouldn't talk to me, or my dogs, ever" do you own any pride merch? - nope, im not sure where to find some cool ace merch. [there was this kickass sweater my friend showed me and i love it to bits, but there was no link to buy it, i cri T v T] plus even if i did, idk when or where would be a good time to wear them ;v; do you think that theres a possibility that you might change your mind about your orientations/gender in the future? - i know im pretty confident in being demi. as for gender, idk, i just have to see : P what are your thoughts on people that identify as cis? - cis? you mean that store "cause it's spring"? [i kid you not, thats an actual store name, ive seen it with my own eyes] lol jk, i identify as cis [???], but besides me, they good folk (: [of course those who bully peeps who dont see themselves as cis are just bullies and i dont want you near me or my dogs 8) ] what are your thoughts on people that identify as straight? - nothing wrong with it, if youre cis, youre cis just remember my cis folk, dont judge or be mean to those who are trans, bi-gendered, etc. theyre ppl like you if someone saw you on the street, would they realize that you are in the lgbtqa+ community? if yes, why? - honeslty idk, i dont think aro/ace ppl really have a "look" to them? [ive tried looking it up and nothing much comes up other than pride clothing] other than we're hella good lookin' folk, be aware of us plus most of the creepy guys that hit on me think im allo. so i just feel like a cleverly disguised spy lol [alloromantic/allosexual or "allo" for short = basically means that ppl who are not aromantic and/or asexual ] on a scale 0-10 how familiar are your friends and family with the lgbtqa+ community? - since i teach my mom and brother stuff about this whenever i get the chance, theyre pretty ok [tho my mom has a hard time remembering the ones outside the "basic" ones like lesbian/gay, bi, pan. it mostly has to do that spanish is her 1st language so english can be confusing for her] as for irl friends, idk. i hardly talk to them about this, i doubt they even remember/know im demi but for my online friends, im pretty sure they know, lol This tag is almost over, did you enjoy it? - it was fun, i hope more ppl are aware of the aro/ace community and possible learn a few things about it :3c i want more ppl to know more about the aro/ace communities cause even if our population is kind of small, we're still here...eating all the food at the parties...petting all the cute animals > v > do you love yourself for who you are? - of course, sure it was kind of hard to get to where i am, and at times i still dont really feel part of the lgbt+ community, but i try to at least accept myself (: shout out to my sweet friend @dirtydaggy for suggesting i do this, it was fun thanks again friendo cX also check out their journal! [they did the same meme too!!!]

also im gonna tag:

@lunarprinc3 @thatsweaterdude

if i miss anyone [friends/mutuals] or you would like/not like to be tagged in the future, let me know c:

[datingadviceonreddit]

I will try to keep this short because I am aware that this is a super complicated issue.I'll start with the basics.I struggle with loneliness and had struggled with it for a very long time.I also struggle with mental issues but I luckily have a psychology degree and go through therapy and I have pretty much whatever strategy I can think of and the determination to keep myself afloat even though it is not easy.I do admit that I am not very adept when it comes to social skills, mostly because of poor upbringing and trauma. But I have been learning on the know-how bit by bit and most of the time, I had to learn them the hard way - heartbreaks, rejections, ghosting, you name it.At first, I thought that the fault was me because I had been rejected, neglected and bullied and abused all my life that the only reasoning that I could think of is that I am the problem.Truth to be told, there is some truth to that because I know that I am not always sure how to approach another person, let alone not knowing the millions of ways that the person might react.But I kept on pushing through and realised that the problem was not me but the other person because they do not have the stomach to be open or geniune.And sometimes, I end up continuously ruminating and wondering if I did something wrong or whether I did something to push them away, or whether they a actually hated me to cut me off like that.Yet, I persist and persist and persist.But .... it hurts. A lot.I feel that people have no gratitude or dignity at all and I feel that the social media that we rely on today makes this bullying too easy.Funny how we are supposed to feel connected with the technology of today but in reality, it pushes us away and alienates us and pick and toy with each other like toys or stuff we buy in a store room based on what we see on a profile and throw it away when we do not need it anymore.Too many times, I have tried and tried and tried again to approach other people on social media, sometimes with shitty results or in ways that in hindsight, I later realised that it was not a good idea/method.I use Instagram to post photos (i like photography) and approach others whenever i see a good photo and 80% of the time, they give only a seen or simply a like and a gentle thank you which I know that it means that they do not want to talk.I keep recalling the years of me making mistakes of me approaching others but I later realised that I might done it incorrectly because the people involved maybe thought of me as a creep or a weirdo (but never really had the stomach to say it out right and so I still end up in a stage where I am guessing whether I actually am a creep or not)I have used dating apps (mostly Tinder) and no matter what approach I use, whether the genuine hello or the creative approach, 70% of the time we get no reply at all.Or the worst part is when you think you are going so well, the communication feels genuine and real and all of a sudden ... the other person disappears.(I admit that I jumped the shark too quickly before or took it too fast, sometimes out of desperation to avoid letting my loneliness get to me. Sometimes, I thought things were going well but I might have acted the wrong way in the eyes of others. Honestly, in hindsight, I can never know for sure what happened and why)It hurts so bad when that happens and it makes me paranoid and scared of what to say next. And the worst part is that this has been happening a lot for the past few years and it makes me wonder if I am actually the problem all along.Sometimes I ended up double texting just to see if everything is ok.Sometimes I simply gave an honest message (yes, I am that kind of person. I refuse to simply walk away from something without being deserved an explanation or at least speaking from the heart about how I feel or to genuinely ask if everything is all right). This is the part where I mostly get blocked or still get a seen and no reply.Sometimes I ended up cancelling my Tinder account but ended up restarting it, hoping for another try. And again, again and again.This perpetual cycle of me trying to best that I can to have a decent human connection is tiring and has a lot of effect on my entire soul, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.Too many times I felt less than human because of this when I try to approach myself in the most genuine way possible and treat the other person as an equal.It is like a really twisted game of chess. Interacting with another human being has become the same as walking on eggshells where you are worried or continuously overthinking about every move you make because you do not want to risk a bad outcomeMost days, when I feel continuously alone, depressed and hopeless, as much as I have my own strategies to counter these, I feel tempted to look on my phone, aimlessly scrolling or waiting, hoping to get a notification or something. Sometimes even continuously look at others' profiles online as though seeing their faces gives me a sense of hope.Too many times I feel like I am being the instigator of a conversation and not the other way around.I do the best I can to not appear needy or desperate or creepy yet in these situations where things feel so bad, that I have every compulsion to be needy and desperate which I know pushes people away.So this is where I stand most of the time.In many cases, it feels like I am going around in circles or stuck in a complicated maze where every path is an elaborate puzzle that needs to be solved.If I approach myself in a non-genuine way, I might risk being rejected for itIf I approach myself as honest and genuine (which is the approach that I use), people can still potentially reject me because not everyone has the courage to do the same.Be funny. Be genuine. Be open-minded. Be whatever ... you still get rejected, ghosted or blocked for whatever reason that the other person can think of but never have the stomach to tell you why.It feels a lot like I am being bullied yet I keep coming back, hoping to try again and hoping to achieve a decent and genuine human connection.It is a tricky situation really. You want to be friendly but you do not want to be portrayed as a creep.Yet whatever you do, you can easily skip from one side and the other.Same thing with other dichotomies of social media.You want to be honest but not some asshole.You want to be welcoming but not pretentious.You want to be exciting but not overbearing.You want to be geniune but not weird.Too many times it feels like you are walking on a rope and you try to avoid falling off.Again, I am aware that my skills in social interaction is not that adept but I learn the best that I can.It just really sucks that social interaction these days have become more like an overly elaborate puzzle where one tiny mistake can have serious repercussionsIt is exhausting really.It is laughable too on how we are in this position and we are the ones who put ourselves in this situation.I keep doing my best to avoid doing the same thing or fall the same trap. I don't want to ghost others if I do not feel a connection but I aim to walk away or walk our own paths in good terms. I aim to be honest, genuine and sincere. Still, for some reason, people can reject you for it.It makes you feel petty, little, embarrassed, voiceless and really frustrated but you do not know why to whom you want to be frustrated to.It is a heavy burden to carry and a big toll for the sake of genuinely wanting a decent human connection, whether friendship or possibly a relationship of whatever kind.I can potentially talk about a hundred of other things that I had to endure over the years all because I do not want to feel invisible (and yes, I am aware that loneliness is also in my head. I try to keep that in mind).I feel that most people are not appreciative of how much effort it takes to just feel like you are treated like a human being, no matter how geniune you try to be.It feels like you are being treated like a toy or a device that a person can simply manipulate and use and throw away when you dont need it anymore instead of a thing that actually has a soul.I know that chances are that I could be doing the same to others and probably am not aware of it but I try to keep an open mind to avoid doing the same even though the rest of the world probably does this a lot.Shame that people complain how distant we are and I do what I can to cross that bridge or have the courage to take that leap of faith when other people walk away when they are given the chance via /r/dating_advice

[soarinsora-blog]

My fallout 76 beta thoughts

I played through the B.E.T.A for fallout 76 and enjoyed it greatly, that said I had my fears when I preorded the game. When I first got it I was thinking about how much I enjoyed the previous fallout games and wanted to get the game in the hopes of getting some preorder gift, my wishes for these gifts were forgotten when I learned that those who preorded the game would be able to participate in the beta for the game a few weeks before release, this made me super excited for the rest of the week, for the rest of the time I made sure to skip all of the ingame spoilers that i could, luckily I did not come across much aside from the rare snippet whilst I did not search for it, I did however plan out a build, in this planning stage I ended up with an agility/strength build, my original plan was to have a pistol wielding gunslinger but my plans quickly changed to a one handed melee build. I wanted to have a fists only build but the lack of my awareness of fisting weapons prevented me from traveling down that route, that was until I found a pair of knuckles off the dead bodies inside of a lighthouse, still I continued on investing in my current melee build keeping my fisting ideas in store.

How I traveled:

Wielding only a combat knife and a 10mm I explored the wasteland, I traveled off the beaten path my fellow vault dwellers traveled, there I found workshops and even a suit of power armor hiding within a barn, without any real use for the power armor I took its fusion core and traveled on, in total I found three workshops in the north, east and west directions from the vault, each workshop costed only 25 caps to control.

My experience with others:

In general my experiences with other players has been enjoyable, though I did notice a lack of other players using mics. Throughout my travels I was only interacted by one player, he shot at me while I was cutting down the scorched with a combat knife, I had thought he was shooting at the scorched trying to help me but missed them and hit me instead so I finished off the scorched and noticed that even after the scorched were slain he was still shooting at me with a little pipe gun. Accepting his challenge I ran at him and stabbed him, in response he took out his shotgun, he could not get a single round off before I stabbed him to death.

In total my complaints are:

1. The server crashed on me occasionally.

2. I would randomly get hit by an invisible spirit both inside and outside of combat, most commonly right after combat.

3. Melee builds seem very op.

4. I felt the small limit of players per server limits the enjoyment that could be had from how large the map is.

5. I felt the game forced the player to go at a slow pace to really enjoy the games environment, this is especially bad for the multiplayer aspect of the game where you have a group of people each doin their own thing and rushing everywhere.

6. There needs to be some sort of way to travel, not necessarily fast travel but because the map is so big some way to get from one side to the other would be nice, it would however promote faster gameplay and may be best utilized if there were factions or players fighting each other from bases.

7. As I just mentioned about factions, player owned factions or main game factions that effects the map in some way, think of it like fo4's factions where at the end the factions you chose controls the commonwealth.

8. The wasteland feels lonely, while I did not play with others I wanted to enjoy the world instead. What I'm hoping to see is some sort of companion, I'm hoping to see a return to the automatron DLC from fo4 where we can build our companions or gain a robotic friend that seem to be an abundance as remnants with nothing else do to but stand over a corpse telling it how much it hates camping.

9. I felt the game was too easy at times, the enemies didn't give me much sense of urgency to not get hit by them and I constantly came across supplies I needed to survive. Now this may just be my wish for a difficult experience like when I mod fo4 to extreme realism but even playing alone I didn't feel the need to even use a stimpak very often which ended up with me being loaded with them.

10. Someone teach the scorched how to shoot. I constantly found myself inside of a building with scorched outside shooting at the building rather than at me. As for a graphical glitch that was throughout my playthrough but i have yet to see it in other peoples plays are the scorched inability to actually hold their guns, too many times I've noticed their guns bugged in their hands with their fingers sticking through the gun itself.

Conclusion.

In total I truly do believe that the game still likes a solo playthrough, groups can be fun but will ultimately prove a hazard for other players. But do not let that disway anyone hoping to enjoy a nice fallout game where you can enjoy the wasteland, in fact it may even prove beneficial for the play if you think of other players like the mercenaries from Assassins Creed Odyssey but with more interaction and even more possible outcomes. From a role players perspective I see this as a great opportunity since you will have a more varied audience, the lack of npc's however may prove annoying for any rp not including other players, unless you want to play a survival playthrough where you travel through the wasteland trying to survive off the land and living from your camp. I do feel the game is a little easy and that the enemies dont exactly give me this sense of urgancy that the previous games gave me. I loved playing the beta and I want to play more but at the moment the game will get repetitive without long term goals or a reason to come back to a location that wont get repetitive due to events. I am happy to say that my fear may not last long since the developers are constantly listening to the fanbase and trying to make improvements, as evidence listen to the people that played both at the greenbriar and the beta, many of whom are saying the game is running much more smoothly and I predict that after each beta the game will get more smooth and cleaner and way more playable, within a year of release it may not even look like the beta anymore, just like elder scrolls online the game may get updated until it doesnt even feel like the same game. I remain hopeful of the games future and wishing to continue playing.

Should you buy it?

When the game releases the bugs seen during the beta will be in the past, however the main game itself will not have changed very much. That said it will likely be changed after a few months of release, so should you buy it as soon as possible? No, the game is too early in development and playing it on day one may easily burn you out and prevent you from playing the game when it gets to the height of possibility.

[vdbstore-blog]

New Post has been published on Vintage Designer Handbags Online | Vintage Preowned Chanel Luxury Designer Brands Bags & Accessories

New Post has been published on http://vintagedesignerhandbagsonline.com/dont-pack-light-pack-clever-what-a-fashion-editor-puts-in-her-suitcase-fashion/

Don’t pack light, pack clever – what a fashion editor puts in her suitcase | Fashion

In the art of packing, as so often in life, you learn through your mistakes. And I have made a few. My career to date has been an extended, fully immersive practical and rigorous examination in the art of the suitcase. I’m talking high-stakes, PhD-level packing. The kind of packing that will see you right when New York fashion week outfits need to contend with blizzards (par for the course in February) or hurricanes (commonplace in September). The kind that won’t let you down when you get an unexpected call in your Milan hotel room to say that Donatella Versace is hosting Jennifer Lopez’s wedding, and do you want to come to Lake Como, like, now? In the course of a decade and a half in fashion, the two practical life skills I have notched up are, first, being able to assemble a filling and balanced meal representative of all the major food groups from a tray of canapes, even while that tray is moving; second, how to pack.

Rule 1: forget about packing light

I don’t trust people who pack light. They are smug gits, and selfish with it. Those hand luggage-only types, who look on patronisingly while you check in your case, only to get through security and insist on spending the time that you had earmarked for cava looking for sandals in Accessorize when it occurs to them that they might actually be hot in trainers after all. Then, once you have arrived at your destination, they realise they have forgotten to charge their Kindle, and swipe your new Arundhati Roy. However, this is not carte blanche to stuff a suitcase. I consider my packing a failure if, on returning home, I unpack anything that I didn’t wear (except the in-case-of-bad-weather waterproof). I am hardcore about this, mainly because I hate ironing with an absolute passion, so clothes that haven’t been worn but need ironing again fill me with horror. Don’t pack light – pack clever.

Rule 2: the most important part of your holiday wardrobe is your suitcase

Away suitcase with built-in charger port

Let’s face it: most luggage is inexplicably ugly. Pulling your suitcase out from under the bed is as potent a moment in the holiday ritual as putting your out of office on, so I don’t get why the aesthetic ambition of most would make a chest freezer look streamlined. The new Away brand is not as glam as Goyard (sometimes I walk past the label’s Mount Street store and contemplate giving it my house in part exchange for a suitcase), but it is chic and streamlined. And at £225 for a case, it’s about a hundredth of the price. Plus, the built-in battery and USB cable for charging your phone is actual genius, allowing you to hit the ground Instagramming.

Rule 3: pack two days in advance

Although I have no intention of ceding the moral high ground to the toothbrush-and-sarong brigade, I acknowledge the ignominy – not to mention the expense – of a case that gets slapped with the HEAVY sticker at check-in. As a recovering over-packer, I have found that the best preventative technique is a cool-down period. Instead of packing the night before you leave, let the edit percolate, revisit it after 24 hours and you will realise that the bandeau dress you bought in a sale the year before last but have never worn needs to go to the charity shop, not the beach.

Rule 4: wire hangers and dry-cleaner bags are your friend

We ironing-phobes are expert at transporting clothes uncreased. Jeans, sweatshirts, running leggings can be folded. T-shirts, knitwear can be rolled. Anything in danger of creasing up – dresses, shirts – goes on wire hangers. Pull one of those plastic bags from the dry cleaners over the top of the bundle. Do not pack this the night before. Leave it hanging up somewhere you definitely won’t forget it – I go with behind the front door – until you are ready to leave. Then fold in half or in three as necessary for the size of the case, and pack. Take it out the minute you arrive, shake and hang up.

Rule 5: think about what you will want to wear

Sounds obvious, but this is where many people go wrong. We have a drawer of “holiday clothes”, which are there because they are colours that work with a tan, or because there is no other opportunity to wear that mini kaftan with the pom-pom trim. Forget that drawer. Instead, think about waking up on holiday, and what you will most want to wear, and pack that. So if you are going on a villa holiday with friends and you have small children who get up early, it might be that you need nice pyjama bottoms and T-shirts for the dawn shift, swimwear and denim cutoffs for the beach, and then a couple of really nice maxi dresses that make you feel glamorous and protect your ankles from unglamorous mosquito bites, for the post-tea bath/bed bit. So pack four of each of those outfits.

Rule 6: don’t be too sensible

There is no such thing as overdressed on holiday. Who says you can’t wear a party dress as a beach cover up if you want to? Take your absolute favourite clothes, the ones that bring you maximum happiness – whether that’s beaten-up old shorts or sequinned finery.

Rule 7: avoid the high-heel trap

Packing gets really boring, what with finding the right adaptors and debating whether to take the hairdryer and counting out knickers and remembering to screw the top on the shampoo bottle properly. So at some point you start lobbing in any old tat, telling yourself that you can always dress it up with a pair of shoes. Do not do this. One pair of mid-height block or wedge heels – three inches max – is all you should take. If an outfit won’t look great with these shoes, it’s not coming on holiday. Add one pair of flat sandals and one pair of loafers or trainers.

Rule 8: ignore other people’s packing rules

For instance: every “my suitcase” feature I have ever read talks about packing scented candles. What is with that? It baffles me. Why would you sit inside sniffing a candle when you could be outside with the scent of barbecue? Other people’s rules make no sense. Make your own.

My five suitcase essentials

A black kaftan

Seafolly kaftan, £38, Selfridges

Black looks great on holiday. The pull-on-over-your-bikini garment is crucial. It should cover your shoulders, and not be too short. Mine is ancient and the brand I bought it from doesn’t seem to exist any more. If I were to lose it, I would buy this one from Seafolly.

H by Hudson Arianna white loafers, £87.50 in the sale

White loafers

I have worn these shoes at least three days a week since I got them in the spring. They go with everything and are the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn. I will be wearing them to the airport.

The perfect swimsuit

Violetta swimsuit, £210, by Three Graces

Expensive, yes. But I actually think this swimsuit, ideally worn with a pair of large diamond stud earrings, might be the most elegant outfit it would be possible to wear.

Earrings, £16.50, Topshop

Holiday earrings

2017 is a vintage year for the holiday earring. A swishy, gelato-coloured silky chandelier is the only elevator-item your suitcase needs.

Mosquito-proof eveningwear

Seaside trousers, £83, J Crew

On holiday, my after-dark dress code revolves around my ankles not becoming an all-you-can-eat buffet for the local mosquitoes. These trousers have a “Gwyneth Paltrow at a clam bake” thing going on, which adds an aspirational gloss to what is effectively an insect repellent.

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