#i really didn't expect to get into describing why even try so intensely but yet here we are

[majinbangus]

"Got crumbs on your face."

"Huh?" Cheeks puffed up and round much like a chipmunks, you do a small doubletake, a little too distracted with stuffing your face full of ube pandesal, consequently not even bothering with manners and struggle to speak through your full mouth. "Wah?"

"Fuckin'... Swallow your food before you choke, Tweety."

Holding up a finger to indicate a moment to do just that, you force the half chewed chunks of bread to go down your throat. It's actually impressive you didn't choke like last time you attempted swallowing chunks of barely bitten food.

You turn to him again, looking at the man next to you, but sideeye the half-eaten food on his plate. Usually he's finished by now. Hm. Maybe he'll let you have some.

You clear your throat. "What?"

"Crumbs." He taps his cheek to mirror where it's on yours. "Right 'ere."

Oh. Is that all?

Your tongue darts out to lick it off the way you usually take care of stray food particles on your face. Stretching your tongue as much as you can, you think you get it, tasting a ghost of the ube. Giving yourself a few more licks in that same area, you hold in a hum at the lingering taste and bring your tongue back in your mouth. Yummy.

His fist clenches, but you don't take note of the way his pupils dilate or the clink of his teeth gnashing together, nor do you notice how he sits up so straight he could only be described as rigid, and neither do you see his eyes following the tease of your tongue. You should have. Alas, you're a bit of an oblivious fool.

You raise your eyebrows expectantly at him. "That all of it?"

He heaves, and you're not sure why he sounds so exasperated.

"Bloody hell, Tweety..."

"What? Did I not get it?"

"No, fuck, lemme just- "

He trails off, taking the liberty to pinch your chin between his index finger and thumb, tilting your head to the side so he has a better angle. You don't flinch away, though, letting him puppet you this way and that.

It happens at a normal speed, yet somehow time feels slow. Or maybe that's just your reaction time. Perhaps both.

Instead of picking up a napkin like you expect, he closes in on you as if you're the prey that just gave him an opening to strike. In fact, you almost expect to feel a bite encapsulate your throat, for teeth to sink into tender skin, so you close your eyes in preparation for- something.

Really, you should have seen it coming.

Your eyes shoot open at the wet glide of his tongue laving over your cheek. It's not a small kitten lick either, it's a messy one, similar to a dog with no sense of boundaries. You try to pull away for a brief moment- more out of shock and less out of disgust- but he doesn't let you go, pinching your chin harder and jerking you closer. You're barely able to stifle the whine that claws up your throat but concede to letting him leave a trail of slobber over your cheek and dangerously close to the corner of your mouth.

You're tempted to lick back with each swipe to the edge of your lips, but you hold yourself back. Unlike him, you have some decency. Well. You like to think so, even if you're nearly panting like a dog in heat in the middle of the mess hall. At least no one is here. You think. Hope. You really, really hope no one's here to call out the public indecency you're both displaying.

Shakily, you reach up to tap his wrist, the one that's attached to the hand that's going to bruise your chin if he doesn't let go. Not that you'd mind. But still. You try to pull away.

"Uh, I think you got it-"

You're cut off with a yelp and a jerk, whole body nearly toppling over his from how hard he yanks you back. He glares at you when you steady yourself, hand on his knee and eyes blown wide from the intense look he gives you.

Chest rumbling, he growls- an honest to God, literal growl that shouldn't make your stomach flutter like it does- and shakes your head a little as if to admonish you.

"Wasn't done tasting yet."

"But you-"

"C'mon."

He stands from the table and forcefully manhandles you up with him, leaving your trays on the table as he pulls you along by the wrist, long strides almost bordering as a jog. Fuck, it's like he's impatient or something.

"Wait-" you look back at the unfinished food, free hand half-heartedly groping back at it as you stumble along. "What about our food? We haven't- I'm still- who's gonna clean it?"

Shooting you an irritated look over his shoulder as if to say shut up, he tightens his grip and yanks you along in the direction of his room.

"Not my problem. There's something else I'd rather eat instead."

•••

Wanted it to be Soap, but was picturing Ghost, could be any of the 141, though. I like to think Tweety's shared by all of them. Not quite in a barrack's bunny kinda way, but yeah, also in that way, although I picture Tweety to be oblivious and encounters like this frequently sometimes borders on dubcon.

[knightyoomyoui]

Jihyo x M/F Reader - "Just A Feeling"

This book makes a return today! For this oneshot, I'm sorry if this one may be complicated to read since I didn't make any outline for it and kind of... weird to read too, especially for female readers out there. This one is actually intended to be only for male readers because I think the plot of this suits them better since the story came from my perspective as a guy and from a real-life experience I'm currently going through. Don't worry though, I still tried my best to make this applicable to everybody since I made some changes to make it gender neutral, plus there's opinions from some various featured female K-Pop idols as my characters that portray my real-life classmates here, which female readers might relate to. So yeah, basically what you're about to read here is based on a true story (except starting from the climax until the end, which I just made up from my imagination since I haven't confessed yet lol.) about my huge crush with this one genuine girl from our class. And oh, I've said it already that it's not gonna be a fluff right? It's not gonna be a tearjerker though but for the softies there, this might hurt. Don't worry though, I'm going to write a one-shot special on weekend that relies more on fluff. Finally saw something that inspired me to write, that's why. Heh.

I was eating in our cafeteria along with my circle of friends in our room, talking about—well, guess what—sex education. We were trying our best to remain open-minded about the topic. Honestly, I don’t even have any idea why we would insert this topic to arrange a conversation in the middle of the public.

I know that these things should be taken seriously because they provide knowledge on how to establish a healthy sexual life in the future, but I just couldn’t help but feel a bit ashamed. Well, I wouldn’t be if only these girls would just lower their mouths whenever they'd ask or mention a term, especially when it’s too silly to hear.

I was afraid that others might hear us and lose appetite because of what we were discussing. I already made my move, providing a question pertaining to my curiosity and thankfully they answered me with the expected answer I wanted to know. That’s why I moved my head and roamed my eyes around to distract myself away from them since I don’t really find their current discussion interesting to me.

Looking around, there are many students along with us doing their own business mindfully. Eating together or alone in their respective spots and typing on the computer or writing notes as they review for their subject while on a break. Each was from different courses and grade levels, and of course we wouldn’t be the exception.

Some of our classmates too were on the another table, with them being formed together into their own circle they belong in. That is, until my eyes landed on her again as I check upon them. The girl with sharp jawline, boyish wild haircut, adorable with a touch of chic aura in her visual, and those big eyes I couldn’t avoid but to get sucked in whenever I get to be in contact with those shimmering pairs of hers.

The name of the girl I’m describing with much creativity and detail is Park Jihyo. She’s currently one of our brightest students in our class. If I’ll compare myself to her, well my intelligence is pretty below average and subpar to her attributes.

Whenever I glanced at her, I couldn’t help but pause and take a short time to admire what my sight was displaying for me. Just like today, she has that serious expression that I find both intimidating and… hot? Yeah, yeah, fine, you got me. I do think of her sometimes as a dominant or possessive girlfriend who loves to claim and tease, and I do get a bit intense and aroused just by thinking about it, especially when it fits her a lot along with her lean figure.

Damn it, you wouldn’t blame me. She literally is the embodiment of a girl crush that others would kneel on their knees for her. I may have not saw somebody like that, but oh I can’t just deny those words I’ve heard from the girls and guys on my room simping for her.

Setting aside to those qualities, I’ll make it plain and simple that she’s that beautiful in my eyes. I don’t care if I’m falling in love to a boisterous and fiery tomboy like Jihyo. Deep inside of that cool and boyish appearance of hers, I couldn’t count how many times I’ve encountered that soft girly demeanor she was hiding. That time when she squealed and raised both her fists in the air while looking appalled as the volleyball almost hit her face during our class in physical education would be my favorite.

She smiled again and laughed at whatever they were talking about, which is effectively contagious. She has that much effect on me already. Whenever her mood is, will be the same as mine. Guess I could say that’s how I could tell that I’m highly attached on her now.

I was so busy complimenting and being in awe of her that I almost responded too late when I saw Jihyo start to move her eyes around, and she went in the direction I was in. Just a little angle she shifted, and she would’ve caught my eyes staring at her, looking like it was attempting to hallucinate and connect to mine too.

But I was too weak for that, as always. I’m always weak for her. I pretend I didn’t just went to their side and busy admiring her as I returned to my friend’s discussion while my peripheral vision has unknown whether she felt like someone was stalking at her or as usual, nothing.

2 days later, we were waiting for the Calculus class to end because our professor has left us for some numerous problems to solve on the board and use it as an advantage to increase our points in recitation. He definitely might’ve went again to the mall and go eat samgyupsal again with his officemates at the faculty room that’s why we know we already have the freedom to be noisy and indulge on those differential equation as much as we want.

Our professor is busy grilling meat and stuffing wagyu meat in his mouth while us as his students were busy grilling our minds and stuffing numbers across the board.

While I was confidently sitting on my chair just watching my classmates go berserk on dribbling equations of their own since I already had my turn to have a recitation point, my female classmate named Miyeon invited me for a chat with her because mainly she’s bored.

We did chatter for any laughable random topics for like 10 minutes until I heard her enter a question that had me locked in on my seat.

“Say, YN. I noticed that you had shared so many sad posts about romance these days on Facebook. Are you heartbroken?” She asked me.

“Uhh… that? W-well, I just like those kind of posts. Nothing much.” I smiled fakely at her.

“You sure?” She stared at me. I just nodded and awkwardly removed my gaze at her as I act like I was trying to keep myself busy on my notes.

“You have a crush on someone, don’t you?”

I slowly turned around and my stupid self chose to rose my brows making myself shocked rather than meeting itself and show some confusion. Now I’m busted.

“H-how can you say so?”

“Wouldn’t most of the people around social media does that whenever they admire somebody and they just left to be… unwanted back?” She shared. “I’ve been through that, that’s why I know.”

I remained silent as I sighed. I glanced at Jihyo again, she was being recorded now by one of our close friends in the room as she explains the solution she wrote on the board. That’s what our professor instructed us to do so that he can acknowledge our points, is to sent him our video that we’re tackling about the equation we answered.

“There is, huh.” She confirmed. I was being too obvious already so with defeat, I just let her expose me more. “She’s in our class isn’t it?”

My eyes widened. My body trembled as she already made another guess but a more accurate one this time. Miyeon seems to be an observative type of person, and more untrained and horrible attempts of pretending that I contradict her guesses would just make me look dumber in front of her.

I sighed and chuckled at myself from getting caught. “Yeah. She is.”

“Woah!” She exclaimed. “So YN here also has a crush of his/her own here huh!” She teased me as she referred to me being another addition to those established “couples” in our room. Most of them were now officially together and others, well I don’t know but mostly I’ve learned these days that they already confessed and sadly, they were rejected but still remains to be a tough lover for them.

“Who’s your crush then?” I shushed her with my gesture, as there’s our classmates still sitting in front of us and they might hear us. I don’t want tk get humiliated more just by being put into a hot seat getting confronted who’s the girl i’m into these days.

“D-do you want me to give you a clue?” I asked, I wanted to play a game with her first she already caught me easily, now I want to test her this time.

“Oh sure, what is it?”

“Okay, hmm….” I hummed but I didn’t think that much because i already knew what I would give to her. “She’s a person.”

“Luh.” She reacted and whined. “Cmon, be serious!”

I just laughed at her befuddled response and think again, with all seriousness this time. “Okay, fine. She’s a social butterfly.”

“Ooohhh social butterfly…” Miyeon started to think. “There’s so many classmates of ours that are giddy to get close with others. Is it Jiyeon?”

“Nope. 19 left.” I said, crossing out one from the list of number of girls in our room.

“Aaaahhhh!” She screamed but jokingly, already panicking at just one guess. “Whooo?”

“Try more!”

“Aish, is it Julie?”

“Nope.”

“Ehhh?” She scratched her nape. “Next clue!”

“Okay fine, I’ll give you just three okay?” She nodded and readjusted her posture on her seat, she seemed very invested on knowing who my crush is. “The second one is… she’s smart.”

“Smart…” she began thinking again. “But most of us here are very good at anything.”

I smirked, feeling satisfied that I gave a mysterious clue for her more. “Is it Mina?”

“Nah.” I shook my head, but I admit in my thoughts that i almost fell for Mina once like back when we were freshman.

“Danielle?!” Miyeon’s eyes brightened as she thought she finally achieved the right answer. I shook my head and gave her an apologetic look, which shuts off the spark in her eyes instantly.

Miyeon pouted and lets out an even struggling look at me. “I’m starting to run out of ideas!”

“Miyeon you’ve only told me like… 5 of our classmates so far.”

“Fire the last clue!”

“Okay. The last one is that… you probably won’t expect her to be my crush.”

Her eyebrows lifted and hummed fascinatingly at me. “That just made things interesting. Won’t expect to be your crush? So it means it’s not actually your type but you just seem to get a liking on that person?”

“Hmm maybe?”

“Wait…” she paused that lasted a little bit longer than just few seconds. Her head raised and I wondered why her eyes softened as she slowly looked at me and pushed her head closer.

“What? You got the answer now?”

“YN… is it me?” Miyeon asked. She was staring at me with pure seriousness and jaw hanging slightly in surprise. I gasped as I was shocked at her answer. I know that she’s one of the girls around who is also pretty but still I didn’t expect that it really came out of her mouth, that she also considered herself too.

“N-no! It’s not you and Miyeon, you already have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” She agreed, understandably took my reason well. “But… it’s just a crush though, so…”

“Still no. I don’t fall in love to women who are already taken. I respect relationships and I don’t want to create conflicts for other people. Although, I admit that you’re beautiful.” I smiled at her. She returned the same and pushed my shoulder. “Wow, just like that huh?”

“I don’t know, you sound like you were urging me to say something nice to you atleast.”

“I wasn’t! B-but that doesn’t mean I won’t take your compliment at me.” She giggled. “Anyways, I pass. Cmon tell me who it is!”

I exhaled. To be fair, I wasn’t really up for sharing this with anybody. It’s not that I don’t want anybody to know because I don’t trust them, but I’m doing this rather to avoid the possibility that she may learn more about what I really feel for her from other people. I just want to be a complete secret admirer of her.

However, since I was already cornered by Miyeon, it seems like my plans have to undergo some changes. I feel a bit of pity for this girl because she has shared some of her stories with me, and I listened and kept them all to myself, just like she wanted to. Thatimplies that she views me as someone she can trust.

That’s why I felt obligated that I had to treat her in the same manner. I mean, Miyeon is one of the girls in our class that I find really pure and mature and who knows how to blend well when having fun with other people.

“Fine. You know I never really intended to tell this to others because for some reasons, I don’t want anybody to tease me, accidentally become obvious, or make others bother with what I’m facing at right now… but I do trust you Miyeon, you know that. And please let’s keep it to ourselves okay?”

“Oh don’t worry about me.” Miyeon then bounced on her seat with a large grin. “I’m so excited to know!”

“W-well… the girl that I’m-”

“What are you two up to?” My other classmate interrupted our conversation, looking at us as she twirled her body on the chair to go back and forth at us. I was surprised that we’re like able to be caught despite our distances being one vacant row from each other. Our voices aren’t even that loud.

Miyeon and I exchanged glances and she was controlling her laughter as she saw me looking nervous. “W-we’re just playing a game! He’s trying to make me identify who is-”

“Aahhhh wait, I think I know what you two are talking about.” Her eyes then shrinked and it went towards me who is blushing. She smirked and find my current state hilarious. “I’ve been seeing something about this one eh. I think I know who may that be.”

Both Miyeon and I were eager to know, especially me who is heavily related to the one she was talking about. About our conversation with Miyeon, she finally learn who that is and she was amused to know that she agrees at the clues I gave to her. She really didn’t expected that I’ll be admiring somebody like Jihyo and commented that it wasn’t visible to me all these time. She couldn’t blame me though for having a crush with Jihyo, as she revealed that she’s bisexual and she once had a crush on her too before she met her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, about our other classmate who is holding a thought that shares my secret. I wanted to know about it. Thankfully, both of us were walking home together since Nako which is her name, lives almost close to our neighborhood.

We were riding on a bus and we talked about what she said earlier. I had no choice but to reveal to her since I already did it to Miyeon and it’s going to be unfair if I don’t do it for her too. She might feel offended that I rather not to disclose it to her.

She learned and she laughed so hard that she was actually right which had me speechless. She found it interesting too just like Miyeon that I got to be in love with someone like Jihyo. Me on the other hand, has a huge “How?” question displayed on my head.

She only replied that it’s her guts that is telling her and even her didn’t expected that she would got it correct. What she said though did had me find it difficult to maintain my smile. “But really, for me I don’t see Jihyo being attracted to a guy/girl. It’s more possible that she’s rather into girls because of her looks, but she did told me one time what does she think of her gender and she only told me that it’s complicated. Will it still going to be okay for you knowing that your rivals when it comes to her were all female/male?”

She shared to me her observation and I got it immediately what her basis for that. I suddenly had Jihyo on my mind along with her tomboy look that can make girls crazy and gay for her. “I don’t know, I don’t mind it that much. They can all admire her for whatever they want. What matters to me more is Jihyo. Only her.” I just said nonchalantly to her, which she find a bit suspicious why I care less about it.

Whether by coincidence or not, more and more days have passed, and my other classmates that I’m close with are all girls. Have I mentioned that I’m comfortable and easy to befriend with girls rather than guys? I never had a sister in my life; that’s why I view them as my sister-like figures, but still, I know how to set my boundaries with them due to society’s common stereotype of seeing two opposite genders together.

They all also began to know my adoration for Jihyo, and they are either secretive or teaseful about it, and I find myself on the brink of danger whenever they do that on occasions that me and Jihyo would have an interaction together. Some examples I can give are when I, along with Nako and her, were discussing our anticipation of attending the concert of our favorite K-pop group this coming week.

I was expressing my loneliness to them rather because I wasn’t entirely sure if my parents would allow me to attend such a huge event like that and for me also to travel to a place that is very far away from our city. I was about to give up my hopes until a certain person simply boosted my faith again and not wanting to let me go that easily.

“You should go to that concert, YN! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you should not waste it!”

Jihyo spoke to me and she gave me that hopefulness and positivity. She knew I might need it for her and if that so then she’s damn right. I couldn’t ask for anything more than to hear a support and concern than from her.

And later that night, I tried to ask my parents about it, and shockingly, they allowed me to, as long as I had someone with me. Nako joined me, while Jihyo went with her sister. I got a little excited, thinking I was going to be with her too, but that’s just fine. At least, I still got some heart-bursting interaction with her on social media when we both exchanged heart reactions on our posts about our experience at the concert.

Another time I could give that one of the best things I would want to just happen forever in my life was when I got unexpectedly sick in the school, and what’s even more suck about the timing is that we were rehearsing for our roleplay performance in just 3 days.

Our director set me aside for now and gave me a time to recover but ofcourse the worry of me not being able to make it to the deadline struck a fear on him. I just lay down on one of the benches with all of my classmate’s bags around me. I tried to sleep but the pain in my head just won’t let me go in peace.

I was about to go to the clinic with no other option in mind because I didn’t actually want to go there because, um, yeah, call me a scaredy cat, but I’ve heard many times from some of the students, including my classmates, that our school nurse is a terror. She’s so strict that there’s no doubt that once she finds me, my temperature will be high. Since the pandemic happened, these medical professionals have been very careful for the past few years.

One positive detection and surely I’m gone for today. I just sighed defeatedly because I wanted to practice today and to see her ofcourse. I sat up and gave myself time to prepare myself as I might feel dizzy standing up, but then I heard some footsteps and felt arms wrapped around me.

“J-jihyo?” I exclaimed weakly. She must’ve felt my body trembled in shock as I found her beside me. She just looked at me and tightlipped.

“You’re going to the clinic now?”

“Yeah. I have to.”

“You can’t do it by yourself. Look how weak you look. Cmon, I’ll join you on your way there.”

“Y-you sure? B-but they might look for you and-

“I just finished rehearsing my part. My next one is three acts after, so they wouldn’t mind.” Jihyo said. “But it’s up to you, can you do it by yourself?”

“Actually, I really didn’t want to go home yet.” I said with sincerity of sadness on my voice.

“I know, but you have to.” Jihyo said to me. “Let’s go.”

We started walking, and I gave one last look at my classmates. I caught Miyeon, who saw me with Jihyo smiling at us, and I knew what that meant. We went together to the clinic, and I feel embarrassed that I had to make a girl wait for me outside, even though she didn’t mind me that much. The nurse wasn’t even that scary; she was rather strict, but in the sense that she’s doing it because she cares for the students’ health.

She found my fever weird because… hmm how can I say this, well it’s like my temperature risen due to hunger, dehydration and possibly some changes of temperature also to the places I’ve been at since she discovered that I don’t actually feel dizzy or aching on my head.

That’s why due to my determination to remain here, she dared me to atleast decrease my temperature by having a meal and lots of water on the canteen or else she’ll have to excuse me to my instructor.

I went out of the clinic, accepting the challenge and Jihyo was just there sitting and using her cellphone. She felt my presence reappeared and she greeted me. “How’s there?”

I repeated what the nurse told me. “Come on, let’s eat at the canteen first if that so.”

“Yeah.”

“My treat.”

“Wait, what?”

We stopped walking. “Why? What’s the problem?”

“N-nothing, I just… didn’t expect it.”

“Just don’t do anything for now. Since I accompanied you, let me just be like that today before we get back there.”

In my surprise, Jihyo wrapped her arm around my shoulders, giving me that bro-cuddle. I felt super shy and almost going to melt because of the skinship she’s doing to me. It’s ironic how her touch can beat the warm temperature running across my body.

She was the one who bought our food and drinks together and she returned to our place with it. We just took our meal quietly then short talks about our interests again, but it was still enough for me. I give some sneak glances at Jihyo on my side, observing her sipping that iced coffee while she busily scrolls down on her phone.

My body suddenly felt lighter and numb, I think my sickness didn’t even exist to worry myself as I was just busy admiring her all over again. Not gonna lie, this just had me spawning another idea to imagine being with her more. A date with her is something I’d definitely would love to have someday with her.

But again, I knew I have no chance.

The deadline came and we were going back to the clinic, but just then Jihyo offered me something. It’s a medicine on the palm of her hand.

“Take this, it’ll help more.”

“Jihyo, you might need it once you-”

“But I don’t have one and you are, that’s why you need it more than me.” Jihyo rejected. “Just take it.”

I didn’t object anymore and took it at ease from her. “Thanks, Jihyo.”

“No prob, now get in there and hopefully you’re fine now. I mean, you’re kinda sweating now too so yeah maybe you really needed some rest.” She said as she poked at my arm.

I nodded and I entered with confidence, I know that Jihyo helped me a lot today. Fortunately, we were right. My temperature returned to normal still very close on reaching that low fever. I exit and immediately thanked Jihyo again which she returned with her gummy smile that I always loved seeing from her.

It was our classmates’ break too from the rehearsal and they saw us together rejoining them. As usual, Nako and Miyeon were the ones leading the group of people who knows my crush for Jihyo and they teased me about it.

And speaking of group of people who knows about my love secret, a new one has been added. It happened through our chat in Instagram when somebody replied in my story featuring a movie quote about loving someone but being aware of the consequences which makes you rather think twice on pushing yourself to chase for her feelings.

That person is the guy Jihyo is mostly close with in our classroom. They are both smart, but this one is smarter and they get along easily because they share the same humor. He replied to me saying “Who is that girl huh?”

I didn’t tell him yet. We went for some few talks until I recalled our time on the mall earlier with our other classmates. “Hey, I hope you don’t mind joining your circle like earlier. Maybe you guys might find having me uncomfortable, I just wanted to keep my closeness with you guys as my classmates.”

“We’re cool, YN. Actually I like it even more that you’re trying.” He said. “However, I do seem it doesn’t apply for somebody.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think out of everyone we were with at the mall earlier, I didn’t even saw you like interact or go near at Jihyo.” He said. I almost dropped my phone in disbelief. He did noticed me being shy around Jihyo. Sensing that he’ll end up as one of them who is about to find out soon, I didn’t wait for it anymore and after some few hesitation, I made up my mind to do what I have to do. “Did you two had a fight or something?”

“Ahh, that?” I said. “Well actually there’s another reason why you guys might find me sticking along to your circle more.”

He reacted a wow emoji on my message. My heartbeat racing as I typed the letters of her name on the keyboard. After i sent it, I waited for his reaction and what had me was his long laughter.

“Ahhhh so that’s why!” I can hear his annoying laugh behind the phone. My head just bent in shame and laughed poorly at my idiotic self. I don’t know if revealing my crush for Jihyo is even a good or a bad idea to do it with this guy.

“So yeah, I said it to you now. And I did it because I trust you so please, don’t let her know. She doesn’t need to.” I pleaded to him.

“Faggot, don’t.” He then continued with another laughter. Now I just want to rub my face on the table. “Good luck tomorrow, I’m going to tease you a lot from now on.”

I knew it would happen. I gulped nervously and chuckled again imagining what would I expect starting tomorrow if things will go in a chaotic change for me now that people are starting to recognize me because of being an admirer to our fellow classmate.

I prepared myself before going to the campus. As I arrived there, Sehun, which is his name, immediately laughed at me as I approach them who are waiting for our professor to arrive since the classroom is still locked. I just laughed back and whined at him to stop doing it frequently or else Jihyo might find it suspicious and it may attract her attention.

Thankfully, he did listened. He was just like doing it in a manner that he tries his best to insert a joke referring to me but Jihyo and the rest won’t notice. Before we went home as our classes for today ended, he gave me a short advice that began to repeat for the few days to come or whenever we get to talk together.

“Make a move already.” He said. “Do it. She’s easy to get along with. Don’t be nervous.”

I know to myself that I’m trying, but I’m not doing that to impress myself. I stand at my reason still why I don’t have any plans to make an action on how to make her mine. He did say it with the same idea I was thinking for the past few months since I started to develop an attraction to Jihyo, so I just listened to him while keeping my feelings behind me.

But again, being the dorky admirer that I am, I find it difficult to do whenever my feet would bring me closer to me or when I’m standing next to her. I couldn’t acknowledge her presence in ease. It was stressful, and it raises my belief that I am indeed a hopeless romantic.

It continued for few months that my classmates would also ran out of energy to disturb me with their playful gestures on leading me to Jihyo. They slowly didn’t cared at all and it was kind of relieving at least that’s going back to normal now that I can just move around without anybody noticing me. That didn’t last long though when I was walking home with my classmates and two of my other female classmates named Jeewon and Karina asked me randomly when Jihyo got mentioned in our topic.

“You still have feelings for her?” Jeewon asked me.

“Yeah.” I admitted.

“How long do you have a crush on her?”

I remembered the date today and that exact date when I proclaimed myself that I am indeed catching feelings for Jihyo. “Almost a year now.”

Both of them woah-ed. Karina took the turn to ask me. “Why aren’t you doing anything yet? You’re almost reaching a year, that’s long enough already.”

I sighed and slumped my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I believe its better if she must not know. I don’t want her to end up with me anyway.” I said weakly as my mind replayed that time when I talked with my other classmate named Lia who lives at the direction where my home leads at, stating that she learned that Jihyo doesn’t have any interest on this love thingie and she prioritize her studies first. She didn’t deny the part though that she already had an experience of being in love with somebody. Based on her report, they almost became a couple back when they were in senior high school but sadly, it didn’t happened for unknown reason.

Jeewon and Karina aww-ed in pity for me being a fallen soldier who still remains loyal fo a girl who will never be aware of my feelings and be mine. They just expressed their opinion that a year or more might just be wasted and more painful to see somebody I’m loyal with get to be rather with someone else. That’s why they still wanted to push me to try atleast.

I just kept it in mind but I haven’t considered it yet. I did have another reason with me that i didn’t shared to them which added to my reasons why I should remain on the shadows. I recalled from my chat with Lia that she has speculations to her ex-boyfriend, which is Sehun that he is interested with Jihyo too.

She even enumerated to me her evidences she observed which became a reminiscence to the things Sehun once did for her when he was courting her.

“First, you see how he always places himself next to Jihyo. Second, he was frequently escorting her with his motorcycle, to take her home or go to somewhere else. He did that to me once, and that’s when he found out where I live in and now for sure he knows where Jihyo’s home too. Lastly, he can just easily get access on her things without a permission. He even carries her bag for himself!

Don’t you think those were still nothing for him? I’m telling you, he’s chasing for Jihyo’s feelings just like how he did to me and what makes me afraid is that he might also waste her heart just like how I ended up into. He’s a player!” She said with all frustrations and I calmed her down. It threw me back to my conversations with Sehun and that advice he gave me which he always say in repeat that I should “Make a move already”.

At first it was just a simple encouragement to me but now after hearing what Lia said, I felt like it was rather a challenge sent to me. That I should do something now or else he’ll be the one who’s gonna win in the end.

Well, for my response? I don’t even care. Let him have her if he wants. If there’s some sort a miracle that it happens, I swear to God that I hope he won’t hurt Jihyo or else,I may reconsider and I’ll be there in no time.

Speaking or miracle, the reason I said it like that is because Lia and I share the same idea: “Pfft he wouldn’t have a chance with her.” Lia said in a mocking tone. “Jihyo doesn’t want to get involved with such guys like him. He may be great at words but internally? He’s immature, way apart to Jihyo.”

“Hmmm so that’s why I’m getting a weird feeling whenever I see them together” I revealed that I actually do get jealous whenever I see them close. At the bench where they review together with their circle, At the canteen where they eat and laugh together. And… yeah when he instructed Jihyo to hug him when they were riding on his motorcycle.

I just tried to hide my face contorting as my heart swells in pain seeing them like that. I was gaslighting myself that maybe it was nothing and they’re close friends that’s why. Jihyo met Sehun early when we became freshman that’s why them being close isn’t surprising anymore.

Until Lia came to dispose those lies I’ve been saying to myself. “See! Even you can see it from them. Trust me, YN. Sehun is making a move on Jihyo. I was his ex, I know him better when he acts for love.”

A month later, those all allegations and rumors we have for Sehun along with my other friend and former classmate who shifted to another course named Arin who also told me that she caught Sehun with another girl eating together and drive away on his motorcycle near at their neighorhood. Arin was living near to Sehun’s house that’s why. Arin even added that when her eyes met against Sehun’s it looked like he caught in the act and just quickly greeted at her back before they left.

Unfortunately, Arin didn’t recognize the girl but she did told me that she was wearing a uniform that is not from our campus, planting a seed that the girl is from another campus that he is also close with.

Going back to what I was saying, those all rumors were ended and disposed away when one day, me and Sehun are sitting next to each other at our subject about Psychology since our surnames’ initials are right next to each other, with mine before his.

While we wait for our instructor, he pulls out his phone and typed something before he poked me and made me look at it. I looked at the message he sent, I read it and it says:

“You’re in danger, YN.”

I furrowed my brows at him. “Danger? For what?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Boss is starting to speculate you.”

My eyes widened and my chest felt heavy immediately. His laugh got a bit louder but he stopped and typed again on his phone.

“Seriously? I-I mean, I’m not shocked since I knew it’s gonna happen. Secrets are meant to be unveiled-” I was just spitting nonsense now at this point, while I am heavily confused that she finally does began to notice me.

He presented his phone again. This time it says:

“Make a move already. Sungbin is almost at the end.” My brows deepened. Who the hell is Sungbin? I then asked it to him along with the question how did Jihyo suspected me, but instead he just said he will say about it more later.

That son of a bitch though left me hanging and getting eaten alive with all my curiosities for an entire day until I had enough waiting and I chatted him repeatedly about it while clearing up any misunderstandings that I’m not even expecting a lot or whatever. He finally responded and this is what he replied to me.

“Yup she shared it to me like, out of nowhere- she just asked. This is not what happened specifically, huh. This is just too long to read.

For her sake and yours. I don’t want to become your “middle man” even though you both are very distant to each other, got it?

After she approached me, she asked who do you like then ofcourse since you said before that you don’t want me to say it plus it’s not really my business so I just didn’t answered her.

But it looks like she didn’t really wanted to ask it then, I guess she got tired of waiting (just like you right now.) She then asked me directly if “Am I the one that YN likes?” and there, still with respect for you… I didn’t answered her. Not my story to tell.

But overall, just chill. No need to approach her about it anyway. Plus I don’t want to get involved if ever like “Sehun was the one who said it to you, doesn’t he?” Pass. I don’t want to get in trouble. There, make your move or don’t. It’s up to you. She's not thinking about it like actively, don’t worry. Maybe it just crossed her mind that time. So yeah, that’s your too long to read. Ciao.”

I thanked him and felt touched that he really did listen after all this time, and he became a man of his word for it. It’s still unknown though if he also harbored a crush on Jihyo, but during that time I did kind of notice that he wasn’t getting that much into contact with her that I might find jealous of. Maybe he gave up shortly and is now focusing on somebody else.

I learned afterwards that this is not the time that Jihyo starts to investigate her possible secret admirer, aka me. I confirmed from some of my classmates that Jihyo also asked them about it, and they also lied about it. I also feel like Jihyo is now also hiding a secret from me, as I found her following me whenever I take a spot somewhere else around the campus, yet still minus the talking.

I got nervous at the idea that maybe she’s testing or examining my antics if she can consider it that yeah I am getting shy around her because she’s my crush afterall. Realizing that she must have known now, I’m stuck if i really have to do it as there’s no more sense anymore if I have to continue being like this way.

I then hold on for few days until the time has come. I don’t know if this is such a huge coincidence or my classmates are pulling a prank on me. I did contacted them to confirm the location of our group study and the time which I quickly prepped up to head there.

But as I arrived there, I found Jihyo who is sitting alone and using her cellphone. It’s early in the morning and there’s not much students scattered around. It’s very quiet and peaceful but deep inside of me I feel like my emotions are going into war not knowing what I should do.

There’s no way out for me as I cannot leave anymore and Jihyo immediately saw me after she looked away at her phone. I had no choice but to come near at her while I try my best to compose myself. “Good morning.” She greeted me and I did the same.

“They’re still not here? I thought I’m already late that’s why I quickly went here.” I said, acting nonchalant and a bit confused.

“Same too. But since we’re here, let’s just wait for them.” I nodded and I instantly grabbed my things and took them out. From my peripheral vision, my senses are telling me that Jihyo is still observing me.

I don’t want to be weird so I silently plead that she stop, but as longer as we continue to be like this, I then realized that it was actually Jihyo who is becoming awkward between us. My patience couldn’t hold anymore as I see her blank face, I closed my notes and sighed heavily before I spoke the words I’ve never wanted to say.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” I said. Jihyo didn’t moved and stared at me, wondering what I’m talking about, so I proceeded with my words. “Making you uncomfortable and unhappy being around me, and it scares me. That’s what I’m being so hesitant for.”

I lowered my head, avoiding her gaze at me. What she said after made me lift up and put my attention to her as this is now something both she and I must discuss sincerely.

“So it’s me.” She finally comprehended what I’m trying the say.

“Always has been, Jihyo.” I confirmed, officially marking my confession to her and shattering my more than a year-length of being her secret admirer.

“And I just want to tell you right ahead that i’m very sorry.” I continued my heartfelt speech, wanting to make every thing clear for Jihyo. “We both know we ain’t that close or I don’t know, even be called as friends to have a normal conversation like this, and it’s my fault. It’s because of this deep infatuation- no screw that, I know for myself that this is indeed love I’ve been having on you that makes me act very awkward around you and trust me, I’m trying very very hard but I just cannot help it.”

“I do notice that I’m like the only one that you don’t get to interact with in the class.” Jihyo said. “Hearing that from you more, it did kind of hurt a litlle bit, you know. Seeing our classmates happy and comfortable talking with you, but I can’t have it the same as them. It did made me worried if I even did something bad to you. W-why does it have to be different when it comes to me?”

I frowned and took all of her rants with guilt. “I thought it was like that, but now I would just found out that’s all because you just… love me that much that you had to act like I’m non-existent?”

“I’m really sorry, Jihyo.” I muttered. “I have my reasons but it’s too many to say.”

“Then atleast enlighten me why do you have to set yourself away?”

“My fears and insecurities are not allowing me to, Jihyo.” My breathing is starting to get heavy as I sense the rising intensity of our confrontation. Jihyo was staring at me, puzzled. “It’s hard to escape. I’m scared that if you once knew, you will just ignore me because of it. That’s why I think not being close with you is much better because atleast I… I have nothing to lose more from you.”

Jihyo gulped and her expression turned into concern. She was about to move towards me but she hold on as I soon followed up what did she got taken aback from. My eyes swelled and a thin cold path started to drew from my cheek, and that’s when I touched it, a teardrop had escaped to present how much I’m struggling with this feeling.

“W-why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you need to hurt yourself more because of me?” Jihyo adjusted herself closer to me. Our eyes still ain’t leaving our staredown at each other. It deeply feels like i’m under interrogation right now that I have to defend and tell my side with all honesty.

“It’s just a feeling that I have.” I shrugged. “That i’m not the example of an ideal guy you would like to be with. I’ll just ruin whoever you are and we’ll end up being torn. Now you know why I didn’t want to confess to you because I’m not desperate for you to answer me back and tell me that you love me too. Maybe it’s better if you don’t.”

I was about to wipe my tears with my spare cloth but I was prevented by Jihyo herself who touched my hand and grabbed the cloth instead. Astounded, she damped it around my face and wiped my tears away.

“YN, please you don’t have to be harsh at yourself.” Jihyo sharpened her voice. I shook my head and tried to remove her hand.

“Don’t worry, it’ll end soon, when the time comes that my heart decides to stop.”

“AND IF I TELL YOU NOT TO?!” Jihyo suddenly yelled in front of me, slamming her fist at my shoulder. My eyes widened at her outburst. I went speechless, oblivious at the fact that I’ve been pushing her buttons further the more she hears me blabbering poisonous words at myself.

Her question rather, sounded suspicious. She returned her glare at me and she reached for my hand laying on my lap.

“I’ve had enough of hearing you hate yourself this much, you may not be fit on some of the qualities I want to the type of person I dream to be together with but I didn’t find everything about you horrible!” Jihyo complained. “And I am willing to get to know more about your capabilities, my standards weren’t even that high to be reach. I feel like it’s not right for me to be like that. If you hate yourself, then what about me? I don’t even think that anybody would fall for me who doesn’t even act accordingly to the gender norms this society has dictated upon.”

“Then I’m not one of them.” I said with confidence. “Initially, I never wanted to be in love again. But then I saw you and more time has passed, I couldn’t determine at first what my heart find you qualified to make me fall for you.

One year ago, I began as your secret admirer observing you from a far, and that’s where I started picking it all up. Many will find you rather handsome or a less attractive because of your boyish cut, tough posture, and antics that doesn’t suit you. But to me, I see different.

You’re uniquely beautiful and cute on your own that I couldn’t stand not to glance at your face for a second. I see this smart and mature woman that you would respect and willing to listen to every words she says attentively. God, you don’t how many times I imagine having you near me all the time just doing every ideas I could think to make you know how I’m deeply in love with everything about you. Just to make you feel special.

Jihyo, I love you because of how your authenticity shines through.”

After I enumerated all the signs that I find captivating from Jihyo and from how she shifted her gloomy mood into an uplifted state, smiling at the compliments I showered over her. She bit her lip and sighed as she looked away, thinking of something else for a while.

Jihyo then brought back her gaze and roamed it all around the sight of myself in front of her. “I really appreciated it a lot, YN. It did sounded sincere.” She nodded in which I mirrorred her. “We really can be friends, but this silly crush is pulling both you and I from each other.”

“S-so, you don’t-”

“No, wait it’s not like that!” Jihyo stopped me as she probably noticed that I misintepreted her. “I mean… you’re a cool guy and can you please stop ignoring me anymore? I-It really hurts when you only do that to me among the rest.” She begged with her softened dismayed tone as she pouted at me. I couldn’t care less anymore if I look like a tomato at how red my cheeks or face would appear from her cuteness.

“I won’t, I promise.” I assured her.

She sighed in relief. “Finally.”

Both sides became silent for a second before Jihyo proceeded again. “About your confession, I won’t reject you for now, YN.”

My hopes and dreams reignited and altered again with that single sentence that she said. I gasped and became overwhelmed at her response that I always thought after all these time that she would just nevermind and won’t take it seriously. “Please understand that my focus for now are on our studies, and you should be as well. I would also like to advice you to take care of yourself and use all of these time I will give for you to improve yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. I don’t want to see you being like this anymore, okay?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I nodded at her as I listened attentively to her favor.

“Can you wait for me? I mean… if you can’t, w-well… if your heart gets tired of me, y-you can find someone new-”

“And what if I won’t?”

Jihyo considered my interruption and added a new suggestion. “Then how about I’ll wait for you to come back and you must do the same for me?”

“Deal.” We shook hands to seal it. As we slowed down the pace, I let out my gratitude for her. “Thank you for hearing my confession to you, Jihyo. You don’t know how light I feel now after I finally lift off this huge baggage I’m carrying inside of me for spending the entirety of the year admiring you which I thought that would be impossible.”

Jihyo slapped my arm and grinned. “Tss, it’s nothing. I want to also say thank you for speaking up to me about what you really feel for me and I appreciate it a lot, YN. All you had to do is to open up. Sometimes you just have to face your fears.”

We both smiled at each other and then burst out laughing afterwards to avoid getting ourselves trapped again in awkwardness. “There they are on the gate, we should start reviewing now.”

Jihyo began pulling out her things out of her bag and we opened our notes and papers. At this moment, we officially had a mutual understanding to remain being friends for now while we wait for the future to bring what we will end up to be.

3 YEARS LATER

Me and Jihyo were still friends until our last year level… while we couldn’t deny that the signs are still there in present. Today is our graduation day and we both received our certificates, declaring our successfully conclusion of almost becoming an engineer one step away.

As everyone were finally got called on the stage, awarded, and delivered their speeches, we were all commanded to throw our hats to the air and celebrate for ourselves of reaching this far for the best of our careers.

I went to my family and welcomed their greetings to me. I couldn’t help but to be emotional seeing them enveloping me into their embrace. I owe it all to their hardwork and dedication. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here where they want me to be, and now me as well too. I’ll bring them with me as my start to build my life to its improvement.

After having my moment with them, now I went to search after to the only person that matters more to me than everybody else out there. I reached the center of the auditorium, it was empty, and my feet decelerated as I finally saw who I am looking for.

Jihyo was there, now in her new bobbed haircut, looking even more fantastic in her graduation gown. She was holding her award as mine and we faced each other from the distance in the middle of such crowded place. She smiled at me and I did the same for her.

I started walking to approach her and so did she. We stood face to face and we exchanged chuckles at one another.

“We did it.”

“Yeah. Can’t believe it as well.”

We stared at each other. I saw her smile slowly shrink from being proud to affectionate.

“YN… d-did you wait for me?”

“I… I did.” I nodded and smiled, although it’s hard as I knew what we’re about to discuss about.

“I’m sorry.” Jihyo said me and she couldn’t help but to cry for me. “I’m sorry if I couldn’t do the same.” I heaved out a long sigh as I try to mask my devastation.

“But you helped me in other way possible.” I comforted her, not wanting to see her drag herself down just because she failed to last long in the deal we made years ago. “You changed me for the better, Jihyo. Even though that I do admit that my heart is… shattered into pieces right now but that’s what doesn’t matter here.”

“I also give credit on you for what I am now today. I became the best version of myself just like you wanted me to be.” I smiled at him, despite my lips twitching in bittersweet. “I would’ve like it much to apply it on showing how I love you so much, that after all these years I remained loyal for you, I never gave up, Jihyo. I thought we’re gonna be something more in the end but… I was right all along.”

“The likes of us weren’t meant to be together. I have finally accepted that.” I nodded which urged my tears to fall more. “Despite in the way from our darkest days when you often refuse to run away just for the love you tried to save, that’s how it is. Some things cannot be saved when its destined to die.”

I looked at Jihyo and I swayed some of the hair blocking her mesmerizing beauty even with the ruined mascaras and smeared eyeliner.

“You probably even came to see me and hear me say I did too.” She said while she hiccuped on her sobs.

“No, I just came up to meet you to tell you how lovely you are today and…” I paused as I reached for the medal that is hanging around my neck. “W-will you please tell me this too for the last time? Have I made you proud too as well?” I asked her as I remember all of the times she makes me proud seeing her achieving all of those accomplishments she’s receiving because of her academic performance. That’s what motivated me to do better on my studies so that someday, I can make her be proud of me too.

“I know for sure I cheered the loudest I can get when I watch you grab that award, YN.” She nodded and smiled at me while sniffing her tears.

I feel contented at her answer. She immediately pulled me closer to her, my first and the warmest hug I ever shared with her. She cried aloud on my shoulder and I just hummed ay her as I try to comfort her as much as I can.

“Forgive me, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, YN. I wish I didn’t loved you for me to hurt you this badly.”

“I can’t hate you, Jihyo. You just discovered where your heart truly settles.” I said to her. “Don’t blame yourself now, please let’s just be happy for ourselves. Can you do it for me?”

“Y-yes…” I felt her head move around my hold. I knew she can hear my heart still beating loud for her. How I wish she still the same, but when I looked into her eyes, she’s not even there anymore.

I smiled at her, not minding what’s going on around us. I focused on Jihyo only, she’s the most important of them all as usual. It’s no denying that I gave her all I had and for sure I’m willing to repeat it.

“So this is what it feels like.” I lastly said before I broke the hug between us and exchanged congratulations for our success. I watched her return back to her place, to where she belongs. She reunited with her new boyfriend while I left as I finally lose control of my emotions. I cried out loud, defeated and disoriented.

I can’t believe that its over for the both of us.

[pikapitou]

⛈️ for buddie!!! wee <3

I got... a little carried away. enjoy 1k of thunderstorms and - since it's october - coming back wrong yayyy

As a kid, Eddie loved thunderstorms. The heavy layer of ozone, dark clouds rolling in the distance, the way the wind picked up and made him feel like something stagnant inside of him was finally moving. He used to sit on the front step out of the rain and count the seconds; always wishing it was closer, right on top of him.

That's probably why what happened happened.

The thunder rumbles so loud Eddie almost misses the pounding on the door. It's the first thunderstorm since—well, but for some reason he's still surprised to find Buck on his doorstep, not-yet drenched. 

"Hey—" Eddie starts, but Buck steps right across the threshold and crashes into him hard enough to send them both stumbling back, Eddie's hand flying out to catch their balance against the wall. Buck is a long line of cool heat against him, his wet clothes soaking into Eddie's sleep-shirt as he pants in huge hot breaths against Eddie's neck. Crisis response is muscle memory; Eddie gets his bearings right away and runs a hand down Buck's shivering back, firm but gentle pressure.

"Hey," he says again, quieter. "I'm here. What's going on?" When he tries to shift back to get a look at him, Buck squeezes him hard enough for it to hurt. 

"Eddie," he whines into Eddie's shoulder, the most wounded sound Eddie's ever heard, wiping all the thoughts clean from his head other than Jesus fucking Christ.

Since what happened, Buck's been—weird isn't the right word. Off? Sometimes over-overexcited, sometimes drawing into himself in a way he never has before. Eddie can recognise it as him trying to be a version of himself that atrophied over the course of three minutes and seventeen seconds, and maybe this is what Buck's been hiding, this raw, aching nerve desperate for—something. 

"Alright," Eddie says. "Alright." He shifts so he can kick the front door closed, the downpour muffling into white noise. He takes a step backwards, careful to keep up contact as he leads them to the couch. Buck follows easier than he expected, or maybe just easy. 

He settles down and Buck immediately clambers into his lap, which—they've never done that before. But they're not—this isn't—that's not what's happening here. It's the first thunderstorm, of course Buck is freaking out. 

"Eddie, I—" Buck starts, still tucked into Eddie's neck, his fingers digging into Eddie's arms. He's actually talking, which is good. "I think something's really wrong," his voice shakes, pitching with fear. Outside another crack of thunder. 

"What is it?" Eddie asks gently, and Buck just shakes his head and shivers against him. "I can help you, alright? Just," he smooths a hand through Buck's curls, tugging so gently, "Can you look at me?"

For all his protests earlier Buck listens right away, pulling back so their eyes meet. Buck's eyes are, fuck, have they always been this blue? Even in the dark Eddie can see the colour. Buck is staring at him like—Eddie can't even describe it. A tingle goes up his spine, like getting shocked from faulty wiring. 

Eddie swallows that down, keeps his voice steady, "What do you need—" 

And Buck is kissing him. Desperate, immediately intense, wet in a way that makes Eddie forget where they are and what led up to this and why he should probably, definitely stop this. He makes a sound in pure surprise and Buck takes advantage, licking into Eddie's mouth and across his tongue and the points of his teeth; distantly Eddie is aware he can taste blood. 

"Buck—" he manages, but Buck shuts him up, kissing him like mouth-to-mouth, like CPR, like he can't breathe air that didn't go through Eddie's lungs first. He's gasping in a way that makes Eddie worried, although Eddie is plenty fucking worried already. Eddie pulls Buck back rougher this time, ignoring the heart-wrenching pang when Buck whimpers pitifully and tries to grab for him again. He takes that hand and plasters it over his chest instead, taking a deliberate, slow breath despite his own panting. "Breathe, Buck." 

Buck takes a huge, heaving inhale and—stops. Just like that, staring at his palm on Eddie's chest. He shifts his fingers to the left until they're splayed over Eddie's racing heart. Buck's next exhale takes all the desperation out of his expression, leaving behind only this air of—awe. Like he's entranced. That's... good, Eddie tries to tell himself, though he can't really believe it. He's calm. At least he's calm.

Then Buck looks up at him, and his eyes are so intense that the feeling comes back, tingling in all of Eddie's nerves as he fights not to look away. "You restarted my heart," Buck says breathlessly, "You brought me back."

Eddie's heart clenches, and Buck's fingers twitch in his shirt like he felt it. Eddie doesn't—think about that. The wet slide of his hands across Buck's still chest, the rain beating down his back, the storm right over top of him as Eddie prayed without praying—Please. Please. Please. Oh, God. Please.

He exhales slowly, and Buck sways forward before he catches himself, blinking hard. 

"Yeah," Eddie says. "I did." 

Desperation lights in Buck's eyes again, gleaming with sudden tears, his words all stumbling together as he grabs at Eddie with shaking hands—"So—so—so that means you want me, right? 'Cause if you didn't, you would've—but you didn't, so you have to—you have to want me, Eddie, 'cause I can't even, Eddie, I can't even fucking breathe without you anymore—"

Lightning flashes through the windows, bright and blinding; one frozen second where Eddie thinks, oh, something is definitely wrong.

Then thunder crashes as he pulls Buck back into a kiss. 

[lycandrophile]

i totally understand why some people have read my posts about my recovery experience and been a bit freaked out by it if they haven't gotten top surgery themselves yet, and i also totally understand other people who have had top surgery wanting to reassure those people so they don't get scared out of having top surgery.

what i don't love is when, in an attempt to be reassuring, other people who have had top surgery say "well, my experience was much easier than this and yours might be too. don't be scared of having this kind of recovery, because you might not!"

if you had a super smooth top surgery recovery, i'm so happy for you and i'll be the first to admit that i envy you. i'm genuinely glad you got lucky! but i also know that, when i was preparing for top surgery, i wanted to know how to prepare for if i did have a rougher time and need more support, because being pleasantly surprised by a better time than you expected is much easier than being unpleasantly surprised by difficulties no one prepared you for. trying to find out how to prepare and being met with varying degrees of "don't worry, that didn't happen to me" was infuriating. the chorus of "that didn't happen to me" didn't do anything for me when one day post-op it took three people to figure out how to lift me into a sitting position without hurting me, and i never want anyone to find themselves in a situation like that totally unprepared. i worked really hard to get ready because i'm disabled and knew my body never has a chill reaction to anything, and i want other people to be able to prepare themselves too, whether they have a specific reason to or not.

not to mention, nothing in my experiences so far has been some worst case scenario that you should pray never happens to you. none of the things i've described in my posts have been complications; it's all just natural parts of recovering. every single time my surgeon has seen me, she's assured my that i'm healing perfectly so far. so yeah, things have been rough, but this isn't a horror story that i'm telling. it's not a warning or a cautionary tale. it's all totally normal and expected, even if it is more intense than some people's experiences. it just doesn't feel great to have my experience treated as something awful when it's all just part of the process.

the confidence that comes with knowing what could happen and feeling ready to face it is such a powerful thing, and i want people to be able to have that going into their surgery. i want them to be able to trust in their knowledge of what could happen and feel equipped to handle whatever comes their way. i want them to know that it'll be worth it in the end, even if it's hard for a while. i want them to know that top surgery is a wonderful thing and is worth doing, even if it's a rough experience, and that they can have a hard time and still come out the other side thrilled with the outcome. i want them to be able to look that fear in the face and say "yeah, maybe it'll suck for a few weeks, but then i'll be so much happier for the entire rest of my life, so fuck it, let's do it."

if i've learned anything over the past week, it's that top surgery is scary but it's also so worth it. if it would make your life better, go for it. i promise, the fear will be worth it. and honestly? a lot of the scary shit isn't nearly as scary once you've experienced it and learned how to work with it.

[fucklove-4-life]

Billie Bossa Nova

warnings -> smut (mdi), potentially bad spelling

It had just come out of apparently nowhere, and just caught you off guard.

Your breath hitched, and you blinked, pulling back slightly to meet Billie's gaze. Her lips were still swollen from kissing, her eyes dilated and you could see something more intense below them. You aren't sure how to respond immediately.

She's just such a horny fuck.

"Wait, what?" you asked voice shaking a little, heart thudding in your chest.

Billie smiled wryly, pushing a strand of hair out of your face; the tips of her fingers lingered on your cheek. "You heard me," she said in that low, husky tone of voice-a tone that was playful but low. "It could be a lot of fun."

A wave of heat coursed over you, and in the split second, you were divided between that high from the moment and the surprise of her audacious proposal. Your mind went into overdrive-is this really happening?

You swallowed hard as your heart quickened, the weight of the situation setting upon you. Billie's fingers danced softly along your jawline, sending shivers down your spine. The idea had scared you, but it also stirred something deeply within-a curiosity, an excitement that you hadn't expected. You couldn't deny the heat between you, the electric charge that seemed to always spark whenever you were together. But this. this was different.

Billie…," you whispered her name, as if to say it would somehow make the image she had just described make sense. Your eyes searched hers, trying to gauge how serious she was, or if this was a momentary whim.

She didn't flinch. Her gaze held steady-Playful but sincere. "What, baby?" she asked softly, the warmth of her breath touching your lips as she leans in closer. "We don't have to. But… Her fingers curl into the back of your neck, tugging you in gently. "if we did, it would just be for us. No one else would ever know. You know how I get on away games."

Again, such a horny fuck.

Her voice was a mix of teasing and promise, and the look that she gave you-looked only at you, as if you were the only person in the world that mattered-made it hard to think straight. The space between them was almost non-existent now; their foreheads were almost touching while her lips were hovering so dangerously close again to yours. The temptation was just too much.

Your heart was racing in your chest, mixed up in a concoction of anxiety and anticipation. "You. you are serious?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, not knowing if he wanted her to confirm or dismiss that notion.

Billie's lips had curled into a half-smile, her head cocked just a bit to the side, her eyes sparkling with that mischievous glint that always managed to buckle your knees. "Why wouldn't I be?" she whispered, her lips brushing against yours in a feather-light kiss that left you wanting more. "Think about it-something just for us. A secret just between us."

A secret.

That word set a ripple of excitement through you despite the nervous flutter in your stomach. The thought of something that was just yours and hers, shared in the privacy of this moment, was undeniably thrilling. You'd never done anything like that before-never even considered it, really-but with Billie, everything was different. She had a way of making you feel like you could step outside your comfort zone and still be utterly safe with her.

Your fingers unconsciously tightened on her waist, pulling her closer; your body was betraying the uncertainty that still clung in your mind. Billie noticed it, her smile growing wider as she took the opportunity to press her lips against yours again, this time deeper. Her kiss was demanding yet patient, giving you the time to melt into it, letting the hesitation slip away second after second.

As she drew back, her eyes searched yours for the slightest doubt, but you were lost in hers, your head reeling with all the things that could and might happen. "Got my phone right here," she purred, low and sultry, her hand slipping down to the pocket of her basketball shorts. She drew it out incrementally, held it between you like some offering ofseduction.

Your breath caught in your throat as you stared at the device in her hand, your mind racing. It would have been so easy to have said yes-to give into the moment, to let one's self be swept up in the rush of it all. Billie's thumb hovered over the screen as an expression perfected a mix of teasing and serious.

But the gravity of it wasn't lost on you; there was such intimacy and a personal level to it that you couldn't just take back once done. It was a moment where you thought about what it actually meant or how this particular moment tied you both together in a way that was beyond anything else you had shared.

"Bills," you started again, softer this time, sure of yourself. "I… I don't know. What if something happens? What if—"

She cut off gently, her hand coming up to cradle your cheek, grounding you with the warmth of her touch. "Nothing will happen," she said. "I would never let anything bad happen. Not to you. Not to us." Her eyes softened; the playful edge fell away into something more serious, more real. "It's just for us, I promise."

You searched her face, feeling the sincerity behind her words. Billie had always been good at making you feel safe, like no matter what you did or how crazy things got with the media, she'd always be there to catch you if you fell. And right now, looking into her eyes, you wanted to believe that more than anything.

Still, part of you held back. You're not quite sure if it was because of the fear of the unknown or just the intensity of this very moment. "I trust you," you whispered, letting your forehead fall against hers while feeling the steady rise and fall of her breath against your chest. "But this is… new.

Billie's lips pressed a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth, her voice tender when she spoke again. "It is new. But that's what makes it fun, right?" She pulled back just enough to look you in the eyes, her thumb brushing your bottom lip gently. "We can stop at any time. If you're not comfortable, we won't do it. I can always delete it.

That's what you needed to hear-reassurance that she wasn't pushing you, that this was completely your choice. And in that moment, with Billie so close, so open, so trusting, you felt the last bit of your doubt melt away.

"Okay," you breathed, the word escaping before you could overthink it. Billie's eyes lit up immediately, and you couldn't help but smile at her excitement. "But only if-

"Only if it's just for us, make a movie with you that we'd have to hide" she finished for you, her lips crashing against yours once more before any further words could escape your lips. The kiss was deeper now, more urgent, as though the dams had burst and all tension finally spilling over between you.

Her hands roamed over your body, tugging you closer until there was no space left separating your bodies anymore. The fast beating of her heart pressed to your chest echoed the rhythms in your chest as her phone clattered to the floor beside you, forgotten in this heat of the moment.

She slowly leaned back, searching your expression for any remnants of hesitation. Satisfied when all was well and truly gone, she sat back and pulled out her phone. Now or never.

───

"Just like that, pretty girl," she muttered, releasing a low moan as her hand clamped down into your hair and you looked up at her iPhone lens facing you. You hummed at the sight of it, your tongue escaping to taste more of her.

You were on your knees as Billie lay upon the couch, her legs spread as you ate her slowly out, just how she liked. Her hands were in your head as you controlled each movement of yours. Every time you glanced up at the camera it was a new level of motivation-the idea of being recorded was exhilarating, and the thought of Billie rewatching the tape when she was alone.

God, the thought alone made your pussy wetter.

You moaned as you looked up at the camera again, a small smile on your lips as you leaned away. At that, billie let out a chuckle. "Dirty fucking girl," she shook her head in mock displeasure.

Your chin was covered with her juices, you were glimmering under the flash of the camera. Billie's free hand leaned in, wiping all over your face before pushing your head back in.

You closed your eyes at the taste, humming once again. God, she tasted heavenly. You started moving your tongue quicker across her wetness, the sound echoing throughout the room as Billie let out another groan.

"Oh fuck, yeah. Keep going just like that, just like that." She complimented, her head falling back on to the couch in pleasure. Her grip on your hair tightens, pressing you farther onto her pussy, another moan leaving her lips.

Your tongue had started flicking her clit fast, her moans and your sloppy sounds echoed in the empty house. A couple of seconds later, she stilled, coming, and the film became shaky before her phone fell onto her stomach.

Billie leaned down and hit you with a kiss, moaning slightly at the taste of her on your tongue. "Was so good, baby," she mumbled against your lips before cuddling up to you and falling asleep.

[ramblingtomcat]

Serious TW: self-harm, (adhd) meltdown

It's now several hours ago and yet I really need to get this out of my system. In my life I have had phases I have self-harmed. I had a mother who self-harmed when I was very little. Anyway. I both understood and did not understood why people self-harmed and I'm also trying to grasp why I do it.

I have had thoughts about self-harm since I was young. But it often scared me, so I didn't conciously do it. Yet I always had difficulties with emotional regulation, which is kind of typical for adhders I guess. Interestingly enough I'm not sure if I've mentioned it when I got diagnosed. Anyway. Mostly I would cope with overwhelm by shutting down, freezing, sometimes turning non-verbal. Or I would break down in tears and hit pillows in private. I think that's probably the most healthy way so far. But as I grew older, expectations for myself to "control my emotions" was also growing. I probably am really good at controlling myself for an adhder... or am I?

Fast-forward to me as an adult. Having unprocessed trauma and actively burning myself out. Burning myself out soothed some of my adhd symptoms, but also made some stronger. And I became really, really depressed. Did I go to therapy then? No. So I self-harmed through cutting myself. It gave me some sort of relief, and yet it wasn't that satisfactory for me, because I just still felt numb and because I also was in a limbo of wanting somebody to point out that I am clearly unwell, but also wanting to hide it so bad.

I told my partner and I stopped. And the line between my depression and my then undiagnosed adhd really blurred. Me being horrible at really voicing my needs and even recognizing that I have needs, I lose my temper more often than before. Maybe it was because I was having more stress than before. Probably even. And that also the earlier phases of my now-long-term relationship were a little challenging with us being two undiagnosed probably neurodivergent people having very contrary needs. (my partner isn't diagnosed, but has some autistic traits and a difficult upbringing, soo... yeah we both bring some intense trauma on the table)

Anyway. With the increasing external and internal stress I went through the last 10 years, it became more and more apparent, that I am really unwell. Even when I stopped cutting myself, I really struggled with emotional regulation. With translating my feelings into words and actions people would actually understand. And now I'm kinda good at it.

The thing is... I still feel overwhelm and overstimulation occaisonally. Which is a shocker, I know. /s

When I'm going into shutdown mode, it's normally "not that bad". I mean... it also sucks immensely, especially when I'm not alone while those moments. BUT I at least don't hurt myself.

Today I think I experienced a meltdown. And not really liking to use terms lightly, even though I am 90% sure that I'm using the terms I use accurately, it felt like one. Or at least how people describe them.

I woke up a bit late today. Which was okay. I was hungry. I made myself a sunny-side-up egg on toast. It was still a bit liquid, which I really enjoy. But I spilled it a little on the bed, which caused huge distress for no fucking reason. Like... it can be cleaned up and everything.

But i just couldn't help but scream and freak out. Which triggered my partner and distressed them. We were both distressed and both had our outbursts. While I think, they have recovered from it after, I just still feel this heaviness on my chest.

And I hit the wall. Like a solid stone wall. I also hit myself, but I guess the most damage came from hitting the wall. In that moment I just wanted to hurt so much. My impulsivity screamed at me wanting to beat me up physically. I stopped myself from doing worse. But now my right hand hurts. It's not THAT bad, because hey. I didn't bleed, I am likely a bit bruised and shouldn't really use my right hand that much. Especially the middle and the ring finger. The knuckles hit the wall and yeah. A part of me is concerned, another part kind of embraces it, liking that I was being destructive.

No, I do not plan on doing that all over again. It was not pleasant and I did sob after it. It's just that... it all was just pressure that released. Because who would cry over spilled egg yolks? Me, obviously. But on any other day, I would be like: "welp, hold on, I'll need to clean it" and move on. And today I punched myself in the face and hit a brick wall! Like woah, wayyy to go (ugh).

I don't know who to talk about it, because I don't know how to cope either. I have explained my situation with my partner earlier and they also explained their situation and it's fine. I just feel like I want to talk about it with somebody else who probably knows what I'm talkng about? On friday I have a therapy appointment, so that will be at least something.

I have heard about self-harm-skills before, since I have some close friends who have self-harmed before. The thing is just, that I normally don't self-harm. Meltdowns like this don't happen on the regular. Even when I'm overwhelmed or overstimulated, I normally manage to take a moment to calm down a little, before it gets worse. Also my medication also helps me most of the time one way or another. Today I was hungry and unmedicated, when I had my meltdown. That combined with a lot really small details that kept adding up, made me have a meltdown.

And I kind of want to joke about it. I kind of want to point out to SOMEONE. ANYONE that I was hitting the wall, being a big dummy, because I was overstimulated. But I don't want anyone to be concerned, because I know that I am not addicted to self-harm.

It's still scary though. Growing up as a person who never was able to express their feelings. Growing up as a person who always HAD to have control overtheir feelings. And then being in such a rage they can't control. Or well... rarely control.

I'm pretty sure I would never hurt anyone else than me. But... I really want to bring it up to my therapist this week because I kind of am afraid of myself. Not because I was able to harm myelf. It's more the uncertainty of it. People who self-harm regularly at least can be prepared. I don't fucking know when I would spill my coffee and spontaneously break my hand.

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 6 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

Fanner woke up the next morning and on balance he wished he hadn't.

He was still weak and in pain and in the middle of the woods with a stranger.

But at least the stranger was offering him cheese.

Fanner accepted it.

Yore instructed him to change his bandage again, so he did so.

His wound hadn't healed nearly as much as he'd expected but maybe that was a good thing.

All mages healed faster and more completely than humans and were at a far lower risk of things like infection but Fanner's body took that to a whole other level.

Though it seemed that it struggled far more right after he'd lost half his blood.

"Do you think you can walk?" Yore asked.

"Yes, sir," Fanner murmured.

He had decided he would respond verbally where he could.

Yore hadn't actually seemed the least bit offended by his silence but it felt rude to ignore him or to respond by nodding or shaking his head.

"We'll give it a shot then, I guess but I don't want you to hurt yourself more. You shouldn't be moving around at all for at least a few days, but we don't have that luxury."

They finished eating and Fanner carefully got to his feet.

Somehow his side actually seemed to hurt more than it had last night.

His body was doing its best to heal itself despite the trying circumstances and it did not appreciate the disruption.

After just a few steps, Yore stopped and just watched him.

"Yeah, this clearly isn't going to work. I'm going to have to carry you."

Fanner hugged himself.

He remembered grabbing Whelan's arm and ripping the energy from his body without ever even deciding to do it.

He'd killed a man so quickly and so, so easily.

What if something in him decided he was struggling too much and he needed more energy?

Fanner didn't yet know what kind of person Yore was or what his intentions were but he didn't want to kill him.

He didn't want to kill anyone.

"Can I pick you up?" Yore asked.

Fanner hugged himself tighter and stared intently at the ground.

What was he supposed to say?

No?

Yore sighed.

"Look, I get that you don't like to be touched but it seems like that's our only option. If there's a really good reason for it you're going to have to tell me so we can figure this out but if you're just scared because you've been hurt you might just have to be brave and deal with it."

Fanner hesitated.

"Can I... can I touch your hand, sir?"

"Why?" Yore asked but he held his hand out to Fanner without waiting for an answer.

Fanner reached his finger out and tapped it against the back of Yore's hand, ready to pull back if anything in him tried to force him to do more.

Nothing happened.

He brushed the back of Yore's hand with his fingertips.

Nothing.

"Is this an energy thing?" Yore asked.

Fanner looked up at him, wide eyed and startled.

How did he...?

"I know a mage who can feel energy," Yore explained. "There are some people he doesn't like to touch because their energy feels bad or too intense for him. Is that what's going on with you? Is that why you're reluctant to touch me?"

"Feel energy...?" Fanner asked. "No, sir. I'm a Companion. We can't do that."

"Ah, right. Being different is a flaw and you're not allowed to have flaws, right?"

"Well, some types of differences are allowed, though disapproved of but differences like that, differences in our magic, could actually be dangerous. That can't be tolerated."

"Ah," Yore said. "If you had a difference in your magic it couldn't be tolerated, so you definitely don't and that's not why you're being weird."

"I don't," Fanner murmured but he was fairly sure Yore no longer believed that.

"Of course not," Yore said. "So, did I pass your touch test that definitely has nothing to do with magic at all because you can't feel energy?"

Fanner nodded meekly.

If Yore wanted to believe he could feel energy, that was fine.

He couldn't, at least not in the sense that Yore seemed to be describing but being able to feel it sounded harmless enough.

At least in comparison to being able to kill people by tearing it from their bodies.

Yore knelt on one knee and put the bag he'd been carrying down on the ground.

"Come on. I'll carry you."

Fanner moved behind Yore and carefully climbed onto his back.

"Sorry," Yore said as he started to stand and Fanner took a sharp breath in. "Let me know if I'm hurting you."

"I'm fine, sir," Fanner assured him. "Will you be okay with carrying me? You seem..."

"I have bad joints," Yore explained as he slung the bag over his shoulder. "Everything hurts all the time, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot but it's an old injury. I just ignore it and get on with things."

Fanner could feel it, this close to him.

Scar tissue but in a way he'd never felt it before.

It was everywhere, like fat marbled through a good steak.

He had no idea what could cause something like that.

"What happened, sir?"

"What happened to you?" Yore countered.

"I'm sorry, sir," Fanner said. "I didn't realise it was a sensitive topic. I won't ask about it again."

"Can I ask where you're taking me, sir?"

"You can ask whatever you like but I might not answer," Yore said. "That... I can't answer. Not yet. If I could I would have told you already."

"You're not taking me back, though."

"No, you're right about that."

"Can you tell me what you want from me, sir?" Fanner asked. "If you tell me what you want I can do it. Maybe. I just, I don't really know..."

"You're already doing everything I need you to. No need to worry."

Not worrying. That was an impossibility.

Each time they would stop to rest, Yore would stretch out his arms and his back, obviously experiencing some level of discomfort but then he would pick Fanner back up and he'd walk in stoic silence for another hour or more without complaint.

The state of Fanner's injuries was... disconcerting.

Over the last year or so he had gotten used to pain and being hurt but there was a whole new sense of horror that came with such a nasty, lingering injury.

At the end of the day, when they finally stopped for the night, Fanner felt incredibly guilty for how tired and sore he felt.

Yore had done all the work.

All he had done was be carried.

He tried to help Yore collect sticks for the fire but Yore insisted he sit down and eat instead.

Yore was a nice man or at least he seemed like one.

But, of course, Fanner ought to know that what you seemed like didn't mean much at all.

For most of his life Fanner had seemed like nothing more than a Companion who was struggling to find a buyer because he couldn't stand still for two minutes.

He'd hidden anything that would have marked him as anything else out of fear.

And then one of the younger boys had been kicked in the head by a horse and he had been forced to make a choice.

It had been an easy one.

He hadn't seen any kind of future for himself but the boy would at least have a chance of finding some kind of happiness.

They had been alone.

Nobody had seen the horse kick the boy or Fanner heal him afterwards.

Fanner had begged him not to tell and the boy had agreed but he had anyway.

He was well trained.

Fanner hadn't been surprised but it had still hurt.

He had been right to trust nobody.

After that, after he had saved someone's life, he had been shut in a storage closet while Mr Burrows was contacted and then Mr Burrows had come and taken Fanner with him and Fanner had found out that his quirks were no accident.

Well, the quirks of his magic, anyway.

His lack of focus and other behavioural issues had not happened by design.

That was also when he had found out that Danya was his half brother, over a year after they had received word of his death.

They shared a mother.

It shouldn't have mattered, shouldn't have made any difference to anything but it really, really did.

Milaine House had a limited number of breeding stock so they all knew that some of them were likely related in some way but those details were kept from them.

They weren't allowed to have family.

Danya had always been like an older brother to him.

Finding out that they actually had been brothers had been monumental.

And then he'd been sent to live with Whelan, buried deep in the countryside where nobody would question what was going on and that was what had ultimately led him here.

[sunshineofyourlove1967]

1 4 12 14 38 and 50 !

hellooooo thank you so much!!! im so glad you’re back, i’ve missed you so much!!!!

1. name your top three favourite songs: oh jeez alright so i think it’s…… in no particular order because i’m too weak to —- them lmao - ….why even try by hippo campus  - i don’t know why is this song so incredibly important to me, i discovered it like, i think a month ago or so? or maybe longer. but i wasn’t at like, the brightest place in my life and i was drawing while listening to it on repeat and kept listening to it for like, four days straight basically without getting tired of it, and it calmed me down so incredibly much, then i listened to it on the bus on my way to exams and back while reading, and i still listen to it every few days and feel so peaceful and transparent and understood, like the lyrics are fairly depressing but i’d found incredible comfort in them,  ‘on and on, the feelings burst and then they fall - till later on we won’t get back to patch things up’ like??? and the whole lyrics, what it speaks about, it’s so definitive, conclusive, irreversibly fatal, like there’s no going back but also no need to worry about things anymore, nothing will be the same as it used to be, but somehow the song was what made me cope with the fact and helped me find perhaps a more optimistic approach to it all, even if at the time it was more of a medium which i explored the lost, wandering, searching kind of sadness through. it’s not just the lyrics though, it’s the feel of the whole song, the guitar and bass and the tempo and all those little unique elements (the instrumental part before the bridge!!!!!!) and even if i won’t be listening to it in a month, a year, ten years, i think it’ll always remain special and unique to me and will always speak the same language as the part of my heart that had needed it so desperately at the time!!

god, how do i name my other top favourite songs after this dksfjhkdf

probably star treatment by arctic monkeys - we’d waited so long for the album even though we made peace with the fact that am was the last thing we’ll ever hear, and i lost my shit when i found out about the news that there was indeed another album coming!!! and then the tiny tbhc snippet on youtube aaaah i remember learning the guitar riff to it immediately and playing it over and over!!! and then we listened to it in my room when it came out and i was stunned the second i heard the opening piano and the backing vocals, and then the ‘as we gaze skyward, ain’t it dark early?’ part towards the end RUINED me and i still cry my eyes out every time i listen to it…. so yeah. am still do really own my ass sddfdf

and the third one……… hhhhhh how am i supposed to choose. probably something off everything you’ve come to expect by tlsp. the entire album is Packed with absolute total fucking bangers and it collectively destroyed us (also the whole tour…………..) probably pattern or element of surprise!!!! or aviation or the title track or used to be my girl or the bourne identity ( oof ) or hhhhhh i really can’t choose, let’s just say that the entire album shares the 3rd position lmao 

4. favourite album cover: oh i like this ask a lot!!! i rly love the cover of revolver by the beatles, it’s so iconic and i adore the style of it, the cover of tranquility base hotel + casino by am bcs,.. c’mon. (i actually made my own version of the model alex made sdkfjhf it was so fun!!! but my hands almost died) andddd is this it obviously, definitely maybe by oasis, and the cover of cullah the wild by cullah is so cool!! (he’s a practically unknown 28yo artist and he has such cool and creative songs!! it’s a mixture between like, alternative blues and alternative hip hop and something uniquely weird and experimental lmao and he releases an album on his birthday every year for free and i love him so much!! he definitely deserves more recognition)

this is what the cover looks like!! (and ‘where you do belong’ off the album is my absolute all time favourite)

12. what’s your favourite era of music: gotta be 50′s, 80′s, 90′s and 00′s, esp the alternative and garage rock scene

14. do you play any instruments? i do!! i play guitar, (acoustic only but god i want to get an electric one so bad) bass guitar, ukulele and i used to play soprano flute in elementary school lmao 

38. what’s a song that has inspired you: i usually pick songs that inspire me, give me certain imagery or provoke certain mood in me and just put them on repeat while i’m writing, so it’s gotta be…………………….. why even try by hippo campus (god this is getting embarrassing how many times am i gonna mention this song sdfdfsdfkdfjf but it’s SO AMAZING and so important to me), to bring you my love by pj harvey!!!! set your arms down, heads up and so good by warpaint, packt like sardines in a crushed tin box, life in a glasshouse, you and whose army?, i might be wrong by radiohead, the entirety of carrie & lowell by sufjan stevens, esp blue bucket of gold and john my beloved recently, and the cmbyn soundtrack by him: mystery of love, visions of gideon and futile devices!!

50 - put all of your songs on shuffle and list the first ten! - alright! so - 

daydreaming - radiohead

heavy storm - first aid kit 

underneath the sky - oasis

la parisienne - zaz

she came in through the bathroom window - the beatles

we no who y r - nick cave & the bad seeds

blue bucket of gold - sufjan stevens (oh hello!!)

the orange monkey - pj harvey

je hais les dimanches - édith piaf

a place i know - cullah (hmmm)

thank you so much for the ask!!!!! it Really kept me entertained for a while lmao thank you!!! 

[vivalavi-daa]

Favorite 2021 K-Dramas

1. Beyond Evil

About: Two detectives who try to figure out who’s responsible for a series of murders in a quiet town.

I've had my days where I experienced k-drama slump last year, and Beyond Evil was the one that brought me back. As I've said before in another post, it is filled with solid performances, brilliant writing, and unique atmosphere–the kind that makes me feel caught up in a small town called Manyang and the people in it. What made the stories even more complex and interesting is how all the character stand out with their own secrets that leads to the story's twist and turn. The two main characters (detectives) have enigmatic and contrast personalities which Shin Ha Kyun & Yeo Jin Goo succeed in conveying their range of emotions impressively. Both characters make an intriguing scenes when they eventually work on a case together and these are why Beyond Evil is in my top tier psychological thriller k-dramas <3

2. Happiness

About: The spread of a new deadly virus in a city, particularly in an apartment in which the residents are treated based on their social classes.

Told in a proper fast pace, Happiness describes a situation during a spread of a new virus in a city. As if the chaotic situation during a zombie-like virus spread isn't enough, this drama also adds crime case in it. No, I didn't think I'd be fond of this k-drama when I've had enough of the pandemic situation irl. However, I was immediately drawn to the relatable scenes wherein people behave differently during critical times. Throughout watching, it felt like I was being dragged in a stressful, crazy ride due to frustrating neighbors' behaviors and the continuous spread of virus, yet there wasn't a single moment that makes me want to quit watching. Totally, I was gripped by the faintest hope that the title "happiness" really means something for them after all.

To add, I found it so easy to fall in love with both the refreshing strong lead woman and the righteous lead guy. They're like a combination of bad cop-good cop couple (where the woman insists on taking the role of the bad one ♡). Together they steal every scene with their performances, making them the perfect powerful couple I never knew I needed.

3. Hospital Playlist 2

About: the daily lives of people in Yulje Hospital

Here it is, my one highly anticipated k-drama, Hospital Playlist. The wait for the season 2 was really worth the wait, although not all of my expectations are met. Like the previous season, Hospital Playlist 2 didn't need a big, complicated plot or conflicts to be most enjoyable or entertaining. The fact that it only portrayed daily lives of people in a regular hospital was already its charms. I love the season 2 the way I loved the season 1: how it continues to stressed on human compassion, heartwarming friendships, and families. It inspires us to be a better person every day by displaying the professors and their admirable traits. If the first season introduces viewers to the characters, their relations, and the 99ers' friendship in depth, the second season expand the focus on changes in relationships & even the positions in the hospital. Since the casts often hang out together irl (band practices, variety shows, etc.), I can see that it increases their chemistry in the drama and I was all for it.

4. Law School

About: a murder case of a prestigious law school's professor that involve other professors & the students as the suspects

I came for the casts' friendship irl, but I stayed for the plot. Nothing like the ambience of the photo above, Law School is rather dark & intense. The flow of the story is confusing at first, due to continuous timeline switch with nothing to help us differentiate between each timeline. But it gets better eventually, and I gradually become so invested in the story. Every character is not without a flaw & most have their own concealed sides/history, which makes them all the more interesting. For instance, it's hard to forget the character "Yangcrates", the blunt and righteous professor who's hard on his students but always ready to help them when they're in need.

Although the nature of the genre is to suspect each character's motives, I can't help but like when the students are collaborating in studying or solving cases. Their friendship with each other & with their reliable professors are majorly what carried the show. Their spirits and the energy they give off were so encouraging & makes me miss them so every now and then. Not to mention the platonic relationship between Sol A & Joon Hwi as a sweet addition. It makes me hoping we would get spin off drama that displays just the characters' regular lives lol 🤡

5. Move to Heaven

About: A young man with Asperger syndrome and his uncle work as trauma cleaners, clearing out the possessions of dead people, uncovering the stories they left behind and telling them to loved ones.

It shouldn't be a surprise that Move to Heaven is considered one of the highest rated k-dramas out there, along with Hospital Playlist and more. Move to Heaven presents stories that are rich of social commentary, served with great performances. It makes us reflect a lot about the presented issues, life, and death. I value this k-drama for subtlety saying we should respect both the living and the dead. Through hardships, the characters experience self growth that's really satisfying and heartening to watch. You could judge from the warm ambience in the poster, Move to Heaven is indeed one tear jerking k-drama that feels like a warm hug at the same time.

6. Yumi's Cells

About: Stories told from the perspective of the brain cells of Yumi, a 30 year old woman who experiences growth in herself, love life, and her career.

If there's one thing I highly appreciate about this k-drama is how it portrays an ordinary woman's daily life with her regular job. Nothing is more refreshing than seeing a realistic story that is easy to relate to. The story is like a fresh of breath air, presented with some chilling soundtracks. I love how this k-drama shows that things don't always happen as we expected and we have to learn to accept and keep on going. Through these situations, Yumi shows her growth throughout the drama until she eventually realize that "there's no main lead in her life but her" and I cherish that so much. Not only refreshing to watch, it was also fun to see the cute & lively animations of her cells! More or less, the cells give us insight about how our minds work, and how we are the one who are in control of our thoughts and behaviors.

7. Youth of May

About: a love story in the midst of a whirlpool of the history in May 1980

Two people from different background (the impoverished & the rich), both find each other in the worst timing and situation. Despite their unsupportive surrounding, they continue to display adorable interaction & profess their devotion to each other, making it hard not to root for them. The mellow atmosphere and the characters were what enthralled me. Displaying a glimpse of a possible sad ending right from the very first eps had only drawn my interest even more. Knowing that the context is based on the tragic history in South Korea, it magnifies the level of sympathy I have for the characters & the real life people in history.

8. The Silent Sea

About: A group of people on a mission to retrieve samples from an abandoned research building in the moon.

Just like in Happiness, water is an important element of this show's story. It depicted the dystopian world that, as Bae Doona once said, makes us reflect about the future. Despite the sci-fi genre, the story isn't hard to follow. The mystery was captivating and the cinematography was really stunning. It took years to prepare for the show & it showed. Although I won't say it's the best sci-fi show out there, but it was indeed one compelling show to watch. In an interview, Gong Yoo said so himself that it wasn't a flawless k-drama. Still, it opened the door for potential development for Korean space sci-fi k-drama, thus this show itself already made a meaningful step. What's even more fascinating is that The Silent Sea is a star-studded show. Needless to say, all the reputable actors & actresses deliver amazing performances. While I'm at it, I also want to properly highlight that Bae Doona really is a stunner <3.

9. Squid Game

About: a strange invitation to play children's games with tempting prize, but with deadly stakes.

Despite some of its disturbing scenes that led to the death of all my fav characters, I was happy to find a new gem in k-drama that is Jung Ho Yeon <3. I don't think I have to say much about this show since I assume most people already know or watched the show. Gaining insane popularity, I just hope that people won't make this show a benchmark for comparison, making it look like other k-dramas are trying to be the next squid game (because unfortunately I've seen a few articles did so).

K-drama recs: 6/?

[writerloz]

As I Say

pairings: haitani ran, fem reader

warnings: 18+, smut, oral sex, light bondage, praise kink, baton insert

repost from my ao3

You check yourself one last time in the full length mirror at Bonten headquarters. Mini skirt, platform boots, and red lips; Ran's favourite look on you.

Tonight, you decided you were the one in charge. That didn't happen often, matter of fact it literally never happened. Ran is dominant in all aspects of life, so naturally that continued in the bedroom.

You had a plan though, and you were going to see it through. Handcuffs in one hand, you stroll out of Bonten's bathroom and into Ran's office with a sultry smirk on your face.

Ran was sat on the couch, legs spread, with a glass of whiskey in his hand. He looked up as you entered, and a small smile played on his lips.

"Ya look beautiful."

You smile back a 'thank you.'

You're walking over to Ran with a purpose, and he knows it.

Reaching him, you gently take the whiskey from his hand, placing it on the table. You push him back onto the couch and throw your leg over, straddling him, taking both of his wrists with you.

"Hmm, what's this baby?"

Just his voice is enough to make you weak in the knees, but you have to see this through.

You lean up slightly, manoeuvring his arms backwards to cuff him to the back of the couch.

Once Ran realises you're about to restrict him, he tenses up. You lock eyes for what feels like forever, a million thoughts rushing through Ran's head.

'Why is she tying me up?'

'I won't be able to defend myself'

'What if it's a set up?'

You understood that look, and while it pained you slightly, you knew Ran's hesitance was most likely based on previous experiences. After a minute of silent questioning, Ran reluctantly loosened up, allowing you to lock the cuffs. He gave you one last long look, letting you know that he trusted you.

All negative thoughts out the window, you lean in to kiss Ran gently on the lips. Those gentle kisses turning more and more feral each time he kisses you back.

Pulling back for air, you look into his lilac eyes. He seems nervous yet surprised, and he's hiding it well. After all, you never get a chance to be in control like this, so he doesn't quite know how to react.

You run your hand along Ran's suit shirt, deciding it's time for that to come off. Once unbuttoned, you run your manicured nails over his skin, raising goosebumps. Your index finger grazes his nipple, and for the first time tonight Ran loses a tiny bit of composure.

He shoots you a serious look, almost like he hates what you're doing to him but he doesn't want you to stop. And you won't stop, because you're having way too much fun.

Leaning closer, you start kissing your way up Ran's jaw, making your way to his neck. Biting gently, Ran stiffens, moving his head to the side. You grab his jaw with your hand and pull his head back to it's original position. You lick the spot you just bit, and then suck hard.

"Y/N! No marks."

You chuckle slightly, knowing how much Ran hates you leaving little love bites, even though your body is littered in his.

"I thought I was in charge?" you whisper back.

And that you were. You suck the same spot over and over again, making sure to leave your mark on him.

Ran suddenly leans forward, making you jump.

"Wait 'til I get out these cuffs."

You try and hold back your smile, honestly you couldn't wait until those cuffs came off because you knew exactly what Ran would do to you.

You slowly lean back, looking straight at Ran. Leaning in to kiss him, you half expect him not to kiss you back in response to the marks you left on him, but you soon feel his tongue slip into your mouth, and him moaning into the kiss.

Leaning back further, you move from your straddled position and kiss your way down Ran's exposed body until you're in between his legs. You tap his hips, silently asking him to lift up so you can take off his suit pants.

Once his pants are down enough, you lean in and kiss his clothed cock, earning a sharp inhale. You look up at Ran, and see that his eyes are laser focused on your lips.

'Good', you think to yourself. You hook your fingers into his boxers and pull them down, Ran's hard dick springing out. You take him into your hand. His tip is bright red, dick pulsating every now and then. Slowly, you start to stroke him, loving the way Ran closes his eyes and throws his head back.

You move your hand some more, and then you wrap your lips around the tip of Ran's cock, and he lets out a long deep moan. You suck the tip hard, then take all of him in your mouth, moving down slowly until your throat constricts and you gag on his cock.

Ran looks down at you, mouth open in awe at how well you take him.

You bob your head up and down, nose tickled by his pubic hair, and each time Ran is looking at you with a look of pure lust on his face. Coming up for air, you detach your mouth with a 'pop', and a string of saliva still attached.

"Hah- fuck. Keep that up and I'm gonna cum, baby."

Ran coming is exactly what you wanted, but ending this so early was not an option.

You can feel your panties, cold and wet from your juices. You need some sort of release and you need it now.

Making your way back up, you get back into your straddling position, now feeling Ran's unclothed cock pressing against your clothed pussy. The feeling of him against you but not inside you is almost too much. You start to grind on Ran's cock, moaning into his neck.

"Untie me."

"No."

"Y/N, untie me."

Part of you really wanted to, but you're not done yet. And you don't appreciate his demanding tone when you're the one in charge.

You lean back into Ran's neck, still grinding down on him, and roughly suck another love bite onto him.

Ran jerks forward out of frustration, turning his head and biting down onto the side of your neck. Hard.

You yelp in response, not expecting Ran to be so rough with you considering you had him tied up. You quickly remembered to never underestimate your lover.

Staring into Ran's eyes, a mixture of shock and pleasure running through you. Ran is staring back at you, serious and needy.

"Baby, please."

You slide off of Ran, and lean your elbows onto the glass table behind you. Your skirt rides up, and you let it. Ran is watching your every move, but you can tell he's unsure of what you're going to do next. Keeping your eyes locked, you slowly spread your legs, Ran's eyes averting to your visibly soaked pussy. Your fingers creep over to your panties, pulling them to the side. Then, making sure Ran is focused on you, you insert your middle finger.

Your head lulls back, your pussy finally feeling some sort of friction. You can feel Ran's eyes on you; you know he's watching, so you put on a show.

You pull your middle finger out, watching it glisten in the dimly lit room, then you push it back in, along with your ring finger. You start slowly, but you can feel the pressure build up inside you, and you can't deny yourself release any longer. Your movements gain speed. Looking back up, you see Ran with his mouth open, eyes laser focused on your pussy. His dick is throbbing at this point, both of you needing to come soon.

Your fingers slow, and you pull them out, placing them into your open mouth and sucking.

"Oh my fucking god." Ran says, breath hitching, becoming visibly more and more impatient.

Reaching over, your hand grazes over Ran's baton.

Shock is the best way to describe Ran's reaction. His eyes are on you. If you do what he thinks you're going to do with his baton, he might just explode.

Grabbing the weapon, you run it down your body, grazing over your pussy lips slightly.

"Keep your eyes on me." you tell Ran, his thoughts confirmed as you slowly insert his baton into you.

It's thick and cold, not nearly as good as Ran's cock, but you're so needy just about anything will do at this point. The friction inside you feels so good, baton pumping inside you at an increased pace. Your hand moves quickly, and you feel your favourite type of relief approaching. A few more pumps of Ran's baton and you're squirting all over the glass table, strings of your sticky juices reaching Ran.

"Baby, hah-- get up here and untie me right now."

Your thoughts are blurred, the release you just felt was amazing, but you've never needed Ran's cock inside of you more than you do at this moment.

You quickly get up, legs still shaking and slightly dazed as you fumble over Ran's constraints.

"Come on baby, please."

He's rushing you, and you're trying but your hands are shaking with anticipation. Finally, you hear the click of the cuffs and Ran lunges forward, grabbing you by your thighs and leading you to the bigger couch. He throws you down harshly, your body still coming to terms with your very recent orgasm. Before you know it, your legs are thrown over his shoulders and his dick is plunged deep inside you.

You moan loudly. You've fucked Ran plenty of times but this time was on another level.

He pulls out slowly, then pushes back inside. His hand around your neck, squeezing every so often, making sure you're looking at him.

"Look at me. Look at what you've done." he pants out in between thrusts. "I can't stop, baby. I can't fucking stop."

Your head goes fuzzy, the lack of oxygen getting to your brain is intense, but the feeling of your orgasm building is stronger.

"You gonna squirt again?"

You can't respond. He knows that, he just likes teasing you.

"My little pet gonna squirt for me? Come on, get me all messy."

You can't take it anymore, Ran's teasing tone and the way he's pounding into you is enough to make you do as he says. You squirt one more time, covering both your bodies in your juices.

Ran's pace continues, you try and push him away, the aftermath becoming too much for you.

"Ran, please. I can't-- anymore."

"You can take it." Ran says as he leans down, covering you in sloppy kisses. He holds you by your jaw, making you keep your mouth open while he spits into it.

He's turning you on so much, and after all the pleasure you've received, you realise that Ran hasn't come yet. He's not done with you.

Suddenly, Ran flips you over onto your front, placing a pillow underneath you to raise your ass slightly.

"I'm gonna fuck you some more, and you're gonna take it."

You're so aroused at this point, Ran could suggest literally anything and you'd be up for it. He grabs your hips, pulling you back into him. You feel the tip of his cock against your dripping pussy, slowly entering you.

You gasp. You're fucked out but for some reason you don't want to stop either. Ran starts roughly ploughing into you, showing your pussy no mercy. He runs his hands over your ass and spreads your cheeks. You feel a wet drip going straight down your ass, and soon after Ran's thumb circling your back entrance.

You tense up, now it's you that has no idea what Ran is going to do next.

His thumb dips into your ass and you cry out in pleasure, both your holes being pumped by Ran. Soon after, Ran's thumb leaves your ass and in replacement you feel a cold, metal stick.

"Ran!"

"Shush, baby. Just relax."

You do as your told. A few seconds later, Ran's baton enters your ass. It feels much bigger than it did in your pussy, and you're senses are so overwhelmed that you don't know how to react.

Ran sets the pace of the baton in his hand, and when he's happy, he fucks into your pussy with relentless speed.

"That's my good girl. I knew you could take it, baby."

You cry out one last time, fingers gripping the couch underneath you as you come on Ran's dick. The feeling of Ran's hot seed being pumped into you only increases your pleasure.

All you can hear is both yours and Ran's heavy breathing, coming down from that whole experience. Ran slowly removes the baton from your ass, in love with the way your hole restricts around nothing. Just as he's about to pull out, you reach behind you, holding him in place.

He eyes you up, slightly confused at what you're implying.

"We're not done yet."

Ran's eyes light up, a sadistic smirk crossing his face as he slowly begins pumping back into you.

[darktangledwhispers]

There is collected horrors upon me. (Kurapika X Reader) N-S-F-W

𝕿𝖂: 𝕮𝖔𝖓𝖙𝖆𝖎𝖓𝖘 𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖊𝖑𝖋-𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖒, 𝖇𝖑𝖔𝖔𝖉....

I am randomly here now. Don't mind. Just read why don't you?

☂ Collecting your thoughts, racing through your head, you hated this horrid nightmare that kept replaying over and over. He always managed to be one step ahead of you, in everything. His color-changing eyes delved with the witness of torture beyond no imagination, blonde and never-ending soft hair that practically glided through his fingers every time he was stressed. That's what lured you in and now he is right there. In your reach. But managing to look so far away. The pain in his eyes was like no other. How could you manage to fall for someone that's barely there in their own mind?

He looked up at you, his attention not set on the wet cement anymore, but on your apprehensive figure. His lips were parted, you seemed to be staring at them for too long because once he spoke, the movement had startled you.

"Did I interest you that much?" His slick voice escapes his mouth, sounding deeper than before. "I was worried you would stop following me." He stood up, managing to almost tower over you.

You scoffed, feigning disinterest before turning your head back to him. "Why would I ever stop? You're my only lead." You look at him with desperation almost, hoping he won't run this time. Although that was a silly thought. He rarely stayed long enough for you to collect yourself. He always left you breathless. The scent of him caught in your throat as he leaned forward, his eyes flickered down to your lips before looking back up. Kurapika had never once smelt anything around bad. He always smelled like the fresh crisp smell of honey drizzled all over redwood, a sweet but harsh scent, it always made you picture a beautiful forest that had the best dark secrets.

"Why haven't you tried to make me tell you anything yet then?" You didn't expect to hear those words come from him. It left you a little shocked. How hasn't he disappeared yet? It used to be so easy for him too. Now he hit the nail on the head... And so unexpected.

"Why haven't you told me anything if you knew?" You managed to come back with a witty response, a raindrop hitting your nose but you never let your gaze move away from him, afraid that if you even blinked, he would be gone. A smile appeared on his face, only for a split second before he went back to his usual deadpan expression. It tugged at your heartstrings, your knees feeling a little heavier than usual.

"You're right. But what if I liked seeing your skill (F/N)?" Once your name left his lips a shiver ran down your spine.

"How do you know my name?" Your voice wavered now, a little frightened at how he managed to find out. It would've taken a lot for someone to find your name, if not years. You barely told anyone your name.

More raindrops found their way onto your burgundy coat and on Kurapika's reddish-pink nose. It looked like he was really cold from the flush on his cheeks. He looked down, not giving an answer.

Thinking that he would escape now, you sighed and your shoulders dejected, looking at the grey bricked sidewalk. You turned. "You've seen my skill enough then. We weren't supposed to get close like this. I have an objective. So do you." Before you knew it, cold harsh words left your lips. Kurapika's eyes showed a tinge of discomfort to them, the curiosity leaving and replaced with what could only be described as worry. His newfound interest, leaving him? Oh, that wasn't a good thought at all for him. But you didn't know your effect. You thought it was just your silly mind... Playing tricks...

Your dark cerulean boots hit the scattered puddles on the ground, leaving the traumatized blonde on his own, his mouth agape slightly. Was he the one being left behind now? No. That couldn't happen. That wasn't happening. He tensed up as he chased after your disappearing figure, a new feeling taking over him, desperation.

His black dress pants were getting wet on the edges and his shoes becoming littered with water droplets. Your confused (E/C) eyes entered his sight as soon as he came to a halt, only three feet away from you. The boy was confused, it was jumbled all onto his face. Why was he following you? He did have one objective. He needed to focus but you were the only thing on his mind lately. That's why he led you here... Right?

"You can't leave. I haven't said-"

"Yet you can when it's me the one talking." You interrupted him, a glare sent his way. He looked down and then back up, his breathing rigid, his brown eyes flickering to a scarlet which made you stop everything altogether.

"I was afraid." The truth practically dripped from his lips from that moment. His eyes showed all the vulnerability. Why was he opening up to you like this now? Why is he trying to mess with you? You gritted your teeth, shaking your head. "Please leave."

"Why?" He asked, stepping closer to you, realizing he's managing to get through to you. He knew it was wrong to slowly force you to open yourself to the idea of letting him talk but he needed to speak his mind. You were giving in to his little trap.

"You're making a mistake Kurapika. You're making me make a mistake." You shook your head and backed away, trying your best to understand what he needed to say so badly but there were no clues. "You're giving me the wrong idea..." You muttered, your heavy breathing could be seen in the cold air, letting off a fog.

He slowly walked to you until he was only a couple centimeters apart, his scarlet eyes staring deep into yours. You were getting lost in them, your breath hitching. His face... So close... It reminded you of when you first saw him, standing on the rooftop, peering down at the auction house. It was only until later on, you had realized that he had become the Mafia leader. You knew then he could help you but you didn't realize that he was going to try to help in multiple ways. Especially like this.

"Who told you it was the wrong idea?" He had no idea what he was saying, he just followed what his heartbeat was telling him and it was pointing to you in over a million different ways and languages in his head. His lips were slowly coming closer to yours, the rain had picked up but both of you were too distracted to notice. His nose touched yours, the excitement erupted in your stomach as the Kurta pushed you against a wall of one of the buildings. Good thing he picked this time... The city had no one wandering around at this time.

"Back away Kurapika..." Your voice gave it all away, how unsure you were, how much you wanted this boy's lips on yours. It expressed everything to Kurapika at that moment and he took it as a sign to move forward, his lips crashing onto yours.

They were soft, the slight taste of liquor was on them but not enough to cringe at. You made a note of that. 'Guess he likes to indulge in his own regrets...' You gripped onto the lapels of his suit, a groan muttering out his mouth and into yours. You could feel the wetness of his hair against you from the rain, the raindrops mixing in with the kiss before you pulled away. There was a relief of some tension as you looked into his eyes. But they were still burning red.

It was obvious. He didn't just want one simple kiss...

He wanted more.

Everything from then on was a blur, from the trip to his place, to how your clothes slowly littered his marble living room floor, to where you were getting observed by him... Underneath him... His intense gaze never left you, every little inch he observed of your skin, littering kisses, a little lovebite. You'll never get the feeling of his teeth lightly grazing and latching onto your skin ever out of your mind. Never. He was intoxicating. Everything about him was intoxicating you.

"Keep looking at me like that... So I can keep it in my head forever..." He whispers, his lips pressing against your neck now as his hands explore the sides of your body. Rough and still soft... It made you shiver as you looked at the white ceiling. His bed was huge and it made you wonder how he even slept in it lonely but that thought quickly got suppressed in your mind as he found your sweet spot. A moan left your lips unexpectedly, his grip tightening on the bedsheets once he heard what he'd been waiting for. He continued to abuse that spot, his teeth pressing in now, the taste of your skin messing him up slowly. You groaned.

He stopped once he knew left quite the mark on you, his kisses becoming rougher and his hands clearly impatient as they started to travel more. Sounds kept slipping out of you, driving him to slowly lose it. He couldn't take it anymore.

He gripped onto your wrists tightly, marks were going to be on them later, a foreign feeling pushing into you and before you know it you were screaming because of him. He changed his rhythm every time he knew you got comfortable, his own expression twisted in pleasure. There was a little blood surrounding his mouth. You knew he didn't mean to... He couldn't help it.... He just used his canines too much... And you didn't care.

"Kurapika..." You muttered against his collarbone, your nails pressed against his back. He sucked in a breath through his teeth as he tried his best to not hurt you again. He was afraid he would go too rough.

"I... love you..." Kurapika looked into your eyes, both of you shared your feelings through a kiss, his grip tightening fully as he couldn't hold back anymore, using all his strength until he made you tremble underneath him... Until you made his back bleed with scratches... Until he knew you wouldn't be able to speak that clearly the next day... He wanted those little reminders of this night to stay with you for a little longer and to stay with him too. He never wanted to forget this.

As soon as your second time flooded through your body, that's when he let go himself, letting everything out inside of you. The feeling making you shake before he collapsed next to you.

Both of you panting. You looked at him, his hair was sticking to his forehead and his eyes back to that beautiful hue of brown. Not that his scarlet wasn't just as beautiful.

"You d-didn't let me say it back..." You huffed, pulling yourself closer to him, trying your best to recover, and like he predicted, your voice was raspy.

"Your face was saying it for you." His laugh danced through your ears like a sweet melody as he moved some of your hair behind your ear before kissing you on the forehead and getting up. "Let me get you cleaned up." His arms were felt under you before you were lifted into his hold, his smile staying on his features longer than before.

You couldn't say anymore, your vocal cords were already strained enough and he understood. He didn't even question why you didn't speak while he cleaned your body. He kept a sincere gaze, washing every single spot, not missing anything. That was until he came across your old scars, a finger tracing them before a concerned gaze met with you.

"You hurt yourself?" Kurapika's voice held a hurt but gentle tone, of course, there were multiple scars on him but he could automatically tell when it was self-harm. He couldn't just leave that.

A sad face decorated yours, looking away, and he decided to bring it up another time. "You're still beautiful." He reassured you. "I won't think anything less of you. Just informing you." He looked up at you with a warm smile and you looked at him in awe, tears brimming your eyes at the sweet words. It was like he read your mind. With that, he pulled you into a hug, soon dressing you, making sure you're comfortable and then laying with you. And as you started to fall asleep, he comforted you on the way there.

"Your secrets are safe with me... (F/N)..."

[animeyanderelover]

Requested from @girliesanjose123

Request: Can I have prompt 68 with Indra Otsutsuki in a soulmate AU?

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, harsh behavior, controlling behavior, kidnapping, violence, abuse

Prompt 68: “You’re all I think about. I always think about holding you, kissing you, touching you, making love to you, breeding you...”

"Don't even think about it." You flinched when you heard his cold and voice ringing through the cold air of the night, a wonderful addition to his icy tone. Just as quickly as your eyes had wandered to the forest and the idea of trying to make a run for it as soon as he was asleep, the idea left you again. Instead you just turned around, staring with a scared look in your eyes at the dancing bonfire. "I'm sorry. I won't think about it again.", you muttered quickly out, a habit you had formed due to past experiences with him.

You heard something akin to a dismissing hum from him before ot became silent between you two, the only thing that made this all not too suffocating or awkward were the random noises of the night, the crackling sounds of the fire and the swooshing created by the wind. It wasn't the first time that you two just sat there like this, not speaking to each other. You because you were too intimidated and had no idea on about what you could possibly talk about with him and him because he wasn't the very talkative type. And forcing him into a conversation wasn't very wise either, he got quickly annoyed with you.

Up until this day you had troubles believing that he was really the one you had been born to be with, your soulmate. And yet his name had been engraved on your wrist since your thirteenth year of life, written down in black letters without a chance to ever erase it again. Just like your name was written down on his wrist, he had never told you since when. The most detailed answer you had gotten from him had been that he had the mark on him since quite the long time.

Soulmates were totally romanticized in your opinion even though you understood to a very small degree why people wished to have a soulmate as well. The idea of having someone who was born to be with you and would experience something that could only be described with love at first sight was tempting to imagine. But sadly the dark side of having a soulmate was overshadowed, pushed away since people only wanted to see and hear what added up to the dream relationship in their mind.

There was no other choice than this one person who was your other half, not even if you fell for someone who seemed to fit you much more perfect. This was one of the most common misunderstandings people had about soulmates. They thought they were perfect for each other and loved each other conditionally. It was a lie. You had informed yourself, read a lot of reports and letters about it, even from people who had themselves a soulmate. And in more than a few people had described that their soulmate had been nothing near perfect, they had been lazy, selfish, mean and so much more. Some had even described how their soulmate had cheated even after they had met each other which had ended in a terrible heartbreak for both parts.

Having a soulmate didn't have to mean that they loved you as well, but once this happened, it ended in a terrible pain and depression for both parties and some had even said to die because of a broken heart. What a ridiculous thing to exist. Why would have a innocent who had done nothing wrong suffer because their soulmate had to be a dick without knowing each other even that well except the sudden attraction to each other and the knowledge that they were your soulmate?

So you had never been exactly happy when receiving that mark of yours, but everyone else around you had seemed to make a huge fuss about it. Friends and classmates had envied you for it and your neighbors had started almost gushing about the name written down on your wrist, starting to talk to you about how happy you must be to have one and how cute you would look together with them. You hadn't, but with that opinion you had been sadly alone. Even your parents had sugarcoated it, maybe because they were scared what might happen to you and this Indra if you would reject them.

But you had been completely right and you could bet that everyone in the village had sobered by now up from their delusions. If he would have kidnapped you silently, they would have assumed that you might have gone with him. But you hadn't. Instead you had tried to run away from him after only a few hours of knowing him. And you still remembered how the protests and comments to try to calm you down had died down the moment Indra had started demolishing everything in his way to catch you.

You didn't know until this day what had become of all the people in the village and if some of them were even alive. You hadn't seen much, but the short glances on the place that had used to be your home once had been enough to horrify you before you had passed out after looking in red eyes with three dots spinning inside of them.

You had by now given up asking to see your family again, every begging and pleading had been harshly and coldly shut down by him that by now you had pretty much lost all hopes. You had also given up on cursing whoever had decided to set you two up, there was nothing you could do and you had sadly no one to blame for this either, leading you to wallowing in self-pity.

The most frustrating was that you knew so little about him. He had never told you much and you had long ago lost the guts to ask him. You knew he was from far away, had left due to family issues and was planning to prove something. That was about all you knew about him next to his name and that he was insanely powerful. He could be a mass murder and you wouldn't kno. He on the other hand had wanted to know about everything about you and had forced it out of you. Well, maybe he would become more open over time. He wasn't someone who seemed to warm up quickly to a stranger.

That was probably why he was so distant and cold to you most of the time next to being very strict and controlling. He striked you as someone who viewed love and attraction as a weakness, but still seemed to be sane enough to know what would happen if he would have left you behind back then when he had met you for the first time. You had read that soulmates had gone crazy for their other half after meeting them and having to endure a longer time not touching them.

He was smart enough to fulfill those needs of his which sadly also fulfilled your needs. He hadn't engaged in anything too sexual so far, but even those forced touches of his had been enough to make you feel repulsed and yet also had pulled you closer to him. You blamed the soulmate bond for it. You knew too well that you would most likely not be able to stay like this forever, being already sometimes torn apart between your huge dislike for him and the always remaining attaction for him, the butterflies you felt whenever he seemed to become more nice and softer with you.

It was frustrating enough to make you feel like crying sometimes, you hadn't want any of this, but life had to be a bitch and decide to make him from all people in this world your soulmate. You just wished you had never been born with a soulmate or at the very least never met him. You hated how you always felt a painful stinging in your chest when he ignored you or hissed angrily at you.

You knew he had to feel the same, he had to suffer when avoiding you as well. But he was far more better in handling and hiding it than you were which was another rather hurting and harsh slap in your face. Didn't he care at all? You really just thought he was, the only reason he kept you around was because he didn't want to endure the full package of pain that came with just leaving your soulmate alone. He was just too hard to read.

And yet there were those moments where you almost got the feeling he was seeking for your touches and some sort of affirmation of you, only to push you moments later away from him and look like he had no idea what he had just done either. Such moments confused you greatly and seemed to irritate him just as much. So at the very least he seemed to slowly get pulled to you as well. Was this actually a thing to be glad or terrified over?

"Are you sulking again over the fact that we're soulmates?" His voice brought you out of your thoughtful gaze, noticing with a slight shiver that he was staring at you. You guessed you had stared too long at the mark on your wrist. You didn't know how to answer this, feeling scared that the wrong answer might lead to him getting angry again. You had learned to be careful around him, you felt most of the times like you were walking on eggshells whenever with him.

You opened your mouth shortly, only to close it again after not finding the strength to do as much as uttering a single word out. You had nothing to say if you were honest with yourself. "You're not going to answer me?"

Indra had shifted slightly closer to you, eyes drilling themselves into you with a piercing intensity. He hadn't activated them yet so that meant you were still in a green zone with him, he always activated them when he was pissed off because of something. A short glance at him made you almost believe that he seemed to display genuine curiosity right now.

You hesitated for a bit, not knowing whether to be honest with him or not. Lying was always an option, but a rather stupid one, he noticed always when you lied to him and he disliked it when you lied. "Yes, I am.", you answered for a few seconds of thick silence passing by, observing cautiously his reaction.

You had expected him to either not care or just becoming mad with you, but instead you always imagined for a second something akin to exhaustion flashing over his face. But it was so quickly gone that you weren't even sure if it had been there in the first place. But it had awakened some sort of interest in him, judging from the way his attention was now hooked on you. It made you tense up, playing with your fingers awkwardly.

"You know, I never asked you this before...But what do you think of me? Be honest." This question always made you choke on your own spit, gaping dumbfounded and majorly confused at him. His face gave no emotion away he could possibly feel right now. But from the way he was looking at you, you knew that he expeted an answer, a honest one, from you.

"You're not...what I expected." It was the only true yet subtle enough statement you could think off without saying anything that could offend him too openly.

It didn't seem to satisfy him though, he furrowed his eyebrows slightly at this very vague answer of yours. "Be more specific. I want to know."

If you would tell him, he would be angry with you, you were almost certain about it. Shouldn't it have been obvious from the way you were acting around him that you didn't like him? He couldn't be that oblivious. So if he already knew, why asking? Did he perhaps want to hear it from you personally?

"You're kind of...distant..." It sounded more like a question and you said it extremely slowly, unsureness dripping from every word. You kept by now an eye on Indra so you could react when he seemed to get offended by what you said. But at the moment he appeared to be calm, just listening and watching. "Continue."

"Well, if I'm being honest I feel a bit neglected from you. You're hard to read and I can't seem to understand what you sometimes even want from me. There are those moments where you treat me like I'm just air or some sort of dog you have to punish for bad behavior. And in other moments you are suddenly being all nice and friendly with me and almost act like you care before you snap out of it again and lash out on me. You're a bit confusing to be with and I just feel like you can't stand me at all since I make you acting like this. So emotionally."

There were quite a lot of unspoken things you could have added, but that would have taken a while and were far more offendingly than what you had put in words as politely as possible and told him just now.

He didn’t say anything which you just counted as a good thing, it meant he wasn’t mad at you...At least yet. Who knew with him and his temper. “So I take it that you don’t like me, do you?”

You quirked yourself eyebrow a few millimeters upon hearing the undertone in his voice, scanning his face. He was not angry, you could tell. It was something else right now for which you needed a few moments to look at before you suddenly understood. Was he...Was he poking fun at you?!

This made you stop thinking for a moment, you had in those past few weeks never seen him displaying many emotions except anger, impatience and from time to time those nearly desperate acts of affection. But never, never had you seen him being amused, you had thought that he had been annoyed by all of this. But now he looked like he was almost about to grin which irritated you. Why was he being entertained all of a sudden? You felt a flicker of annoyance and slight anger shooting through you, making you frown a bit.

“No, of course I like you. Why wouldn’t I like my soulmate who kidnapped me, ruined my village and life and treats me like I’m a piece of shit? I’m happy to be ignored and neglected from my soulmate who seems to not like me at all.” You could not help the sarcasm dripping from your voice whilst watching him through narrowed eyes. The last sentence from you was half the truth and half a lie. You were content with him not acknowledging your presence, it saved you from his outbursts or forced affections. On the other hand it also led you to feeling a often a tingling pain of abandonment in your chest which you didn’t like at all. You could only curse at the connection you shared with Indra. You loathed it.

You heard him scoffing, his expression telling you that he was surprised, luckily not too negatively, by your sudden attitude. “You feel neglected?”, he asked you, giving you a somewhat mischievous look which made you even more irritated. “So you want me to give you more affection? Is that it?”

You didn’t like how close he had shifted to you, it made you uncomfortable and you refused to acknowledge the happy and warm tingling this sudden closeness seemed to cause in your body. “Tell me,”, he asked in a deeper voice,”do you think I hate you and you me?”

Against your will you felt your face heating up and your heartbeat increasing, staring almost hypnotized in those deep and black orbs of his in which you, for the first time since he had abducted you, saw the sparkles of emotions. Had they always been there? Granted, it was your first time looking him so directly in his eyes.

“I-I-umm...” That was about how you sounded right now, slapping yourself mentally out of embarrassment. Why were you all of a sudden so bashful? No, you refused to let him win this. You took a deep and shaky breath to come back to your senses. “Give me a reason to not think you would hate me despite those short moments where you fulfill the basic needs every soulmate feels when with his other half. And why wouldn’t I hate you?! You dragged me in this whole mess and because of you I-“

You were forcefully silenced in a way that made your heart nearly jump out of your chest. He kissed you, surprisingly warm lips moving in a firm way against yours. And you really should have done something against it. But the moment you felt his lips against yours for the first time since you had seen him, it was like a bomb exploded in your head and all of a sudden everything inside of you seemed to slow wonderfully down, no numb stinging, no unnecessary thoughts, only you and him.

Just for a short moment you seemed to forget what he had done, letting the overwhelming feelings of the special bond between you two get the better of you. And all of a sudden you found your arms around his neck, your body screaming to be closer to him. This didn’t go unnoticed by him and you felt something that would have been a smirk if your lips wouldn’t have affectionate-starved moved against his own. At the very least he seemed to share the same hunger for touches from you like the other way around because you felt his arms suddenly sliding around you and lifting you with surprisingly much carefulness yet also eagerness closer to him, chest pressed against chest so that you two could feel each other’s heartbeat beating in sync. It was such a blissful experience for you, suddenly having so much intimacy with the man who had refused to give you what you had always wanted despite refusing to admit so.

You almost whined when he suddenly pulled away, probably because he had realized that you were running short on air which you hadn’t even realized until you panted quickly for air, body still refusing to leave his sudden embrace.

“Are you sure that you hate me? Your actions just right now seemed to tell the opposite.” He himself seemed to be out of air, you hearing his slight panting, warm air hitting your neck and causing goosebumps to rise on your skin.

You felt shame washing over you the moment you heard his questions, refusing to look him into his eyes. Your lips had pressed into an angry line, the feeling of his mouth on yours still lingering and you cussed yourself when catching yourself wishing to just slam your lips against his once again.

“What was that for right now? Did you want to torture me by showing me how pathetic this rebellious act of mine really is?” Your voice was a hushed hissing, but the bitterness laced in it was clearly audible.

“That was one of the reasons, though not the main one.” You gnashed your teeth when hearing the smugness in his voice, obviously content with what he had just seen and felt. But you also found yourself being once again confused. Not the main one? What was that supposed to mean?

You didn’t even have to ask this, he answered it without you even having to question him. “I don’t hate you. Much more on the contrary. You’re all I think about. I always think about holding you, kissing you, touching you, making love to you, breeding you...”

You felt a disturbing feeling starting to make it’s way up your throat, forming a lump on which you almost choked. By now his eyes seemed to blaze with a sudden storm of emotion which could be put together in a few simple yet terrifying words. Twisted and sick obsession.

“You will love me. You have no choice, but to do so. You can try to neglect your feelings for as long as you want, I can guarantee you that I’ll make sure that you’ll melt in my touches. We’re soulmates (y/n). You’ll come around sooner or later.”

[skzvibes]

When you're his best friend

pairing: han jisung x gn!reader

genre: fluff, best friends to lovers

warnings: none that I can think of, soft make out maybe (very short)

word count: ~1.2K

description: jisung has been your best friend for years now. what he doesn't know is that you've developed the biggest crush on him... and you didn't want him to find out. however, things don't always go like we expect them to go.

a/n: I just like friends to lovers au's a lot, it's basically 90% of what I write lol. Also, I'm not into video games so... I tried to describe it, bear with me 😂

Just like every Friday night, you were with the boys at the dorm, playing video games and enjoying some pizza you ordered because all of you were too lazy to cook anything. Felix, Seungmin, and Minho were having fun playing video games, while Chan, Jisung, and Changbin talked about some tracks they had to finish, and Hyunjin, Jeongin, and you talked about how bad you wanted to go shopping soon.

Friday was your favorite day of the week because you could spend time with them. They usually had a pretty tight schedule and didn't have a lot of time to relax. But of course, you had another reason. Even though you loved all the members a lot, you had a soft spot for your best friend Han Jisung. You had been best friends for years, and you knew and understood each other perfectly. At first, you only saw him as your best friend, but at some point, you started to fall for his goofiness, his pretty smile, his talent for writing beautiful lyrics... you never told him tough.

Jeongin and Hyunjin kept talking about the rings they wanted to buy, but you could barely hear their conversation even if they were next to you. You were too busy looking at the dark-haired boy sitting between Chan and Changbin. He dyed his hair blond the last few months, but now he had dark hair again, and you honestly loved it. You couldn't hear what the producers were talking about, but you probably wouldn't have understood anything either. You sighed. How could he look so good when he's just there breathing? How unfair.

"Y/n!" Minho called you, interrupting your thoughts. You looked at him. "I bet you can't win against me," Minho said, pointing to the TV, where you could see that car racing game they were playing. Of course, you knew you would probably lose, since you weren't into video games. However, you were pretty competitive, and you didn't want to admit it.

"Of course I can." You said. Everyone started to pay attention to you both.

"Since you're so confident, what do you want if you win?" Minho asked, smirking. There wasn't anything in particular that you wanted, but you came up with something.

"Next time we order food you'll invite me." He agreed and patted the floor next to him. You walked towards him and walked there.

"But if I win," he talked again while he gave you the controller, "I want you to kiss me." He said, and you immediately turned your head to look at him with wide eyes.

"W-what?" You asked, confused, but he didn't give you time to complain.

"Good luck!" Minho said as he pressed the start button. Of course, even if you were confused, you tried to focus as soon as the game started. However, you didn't see the other guys' reactions to your bet with Minho.

Some of them were just as confused as you, and others like Seungmin guessed what he was trying to do. Meanwhile, Jisung was startled the most. Since when did Minho want to kiss you, his best friend? If someone had to kiss you, that should be him, right? Why did you even agree? Did you like Minho? All of those questions occupied his mind, making him unable to pay attention to the game.

"I won," he heard Minho say. He was smiling, looking at you.

You put down the controller, not knowing what to do. You liked Jisung. You've liked him for a long time. That's why you thought you shouldn't kiss Minho now. On the other hand, you weren't dating Jisung, and he didn't like you back, so you weren't doing anything wrong.

You hadn't decided yet when you felt Minho's hand on your chin, turning your head carefully, so you were looking at him. At that moment, you noticed that he was closer than you thought. Your lips were basically a few centimeters away. And he was getting even closer. You really thought he was going to kiss you, but suddenly someone stopped Minho by placing a hand on his shoulder and pushing him away. You immediately looked up, and you saw Jisung. His cheeks were red, just like when he was embarrassed or upset.

He didn't even let you say anything because he held your hand, making you stand up and follow him to his room. Once you were there, he let go of your hand to close the door. You stood in the middle of the room, waiting for him to say something, but he stayed oddly quiet, facing the door.

"Jisung, what-" you decided to ask, but he interrupted you, turning around.

"You can't kiss him." He stated once he was looking at you. You frowned.

"Why not?" You decided to ask. He was your best friend, but that didn't mean he had the right to tell you what to do.

"Why not?" He repeated. "The question is, why would you? Do you like him?" He asked. The question made you uncomfortable.

"Well... no, it's not like that, I just-" You were trying to explain the situation, but you didn't know that you already said everything he wanted to hear. Your voice faded away when he got significantly closer, your noses almost touching.

"Great, because it would be awkward if my crush liked my bandmate." He said softly before holding your waist and closed the gap between your lips. At first, you were surprised, but then you closed your eyes and kissed him back. You placed your arms around his neck and ran your fingers through his hair. He seemed to like that because he held your waist tighter. As the intensity of the kiss grew, it became rougher. You decided to take the next step and bit his lip, and he let out a soft sigh. Then, the kiss became softer until you pulled away. Your lips stopped touching, but he kept hugging you, and your arms were still around his neck. You opened your eyes and saw him looking at you. He just smiled.

"That was..." Jisung started and sighed when he couldn't find the right words to describe it. You giggled and nodded, smiling. "I like you, Y/n," he confessed, his eyes sparkling as he looked at you.

"I like you too." You replied, and he smiled brightly.

After a few minutes, you decided to go out again, and everyone started freaking out when they saw you two holding hands.

"Dude," Minho started, "I can't believe you almost let me kiss her. I thought you'd react sooner. However, I'm glad that my plan worked." You instantly understood his goal with the whole bet thing.

"I would hit you," Jisung started, "but it did work, so I won't," he said and then kissed your cheek. That was received by a lot of "ugh" and "gross" from the members. You just laughed and hugged Jisung. What started as one of your usual Friday nights turned out to be one of the most important nights of your life, and you couldn't be happier about it.

[datleggy]

Totally random thought I had right as I am going to bed but ya know that show "I didn't know I was pregnant"? Buck would be on that show lol the boy is oblivious when it comes to his own body, so like I can perfectly picture him collapsing on the job one day wracked with pain, and then Hen is poking around his stomach where it hurts, her, Buck and Eddie packed into the back of the ambulance as Chim and Bobby drive to the hospital, and she gets out the stethoscope to try and listen for internal bleeding or anything but instead finds an infant heartrate and she's like "Buck, you're pregnant?" And he's like "uh, no? What the hell?" And then his water breaks and he tries to convince hen and Eddie that he had an accident bc even that would be a better alternative to suddenly figuring out he's about to have a baby???? What the fuck???? But Eddie holds his hand all the way through it and by the time they get to the hospital, Buck has a healthy newborn cradled against his chest, Eddie knelt beside him and alternating between kissing buck and the baby on the head, and observing the baby in disbelief. I can also picture Buck like, sobbing his sorry's to Eddie the entire time he's pushing, like "Eddie I swear I had no idea, if I had known, I would have told you!" And Eddie is just reassuring him the entire time like "don't worry about that now, Buck, just concentrate. No one is mad, okay? But you gotta focus on the- on the baby" and buck just sobs and nods and focuses on the delivery again. But for a good while Buck is in denial that any of this is happening and it takes a lot of convincing and encouragement from both hen and Eddie for him to start actively participating in his baby's birth. Anyways, random half asleep thought is finished sorry for the long ask hdshsjjsjdbsjsj

WELL SHIT ok so i actually love that show and i could see buck doing this lmao so i wrote a thing. also ignore all medical inaccuracies, this is my distraction from monday lmao let me have this wildly inept fic pls. 

also just in case, it’s pretty brief, i think, but TW for talk of weight and weight gain

It's nearing the end of their shift now and Buck can almost hear his feet howling at him in pain. Today hadn't even really been all that busy, he thinks, annoyed at his own body's betrayal. He's not even thirty yet, but in the last couple of months he's felt as though he's aged about ten years.

He's put on a few pounds, which isn't too uncommon, sometimes Buck goes through stretches of time where he eats more carbs than he needs and works out less than he'd like and so a little tummy fat is to be expected.

It normally doesn't bother him, except that in the last maybe three months he hasn't felt like exercising much outside of work but he's eaten nearly everything in sight every night. He's up about fifteen pounds, which he wouldn't have even noticed, seeing that he does fluctuate at times anywhere between five to eight pounds over or under what he usually weighs, if it hadn't been for Chimney teasing him about putting down his third Krispy Kreme donut of the day and picking up a barbell earlier this morning.

Chim and Buck poke fun at each other all the time--it's a staple in their friendship and brother ship, in fact--and Buck had flipped him the bird, nothing new there. What had been new was the fact that he'd excused himself to the bathroom right after that and locked himself in a stall and bawled his eyes out as quietly as humanly possible.

Buck grimaces, embarrassed still, by the outburst, even if no one had been there to witness it. He still has no idea what the hell that had been about this morning.

Eddie notices the sour mood and pulls him in close. "Hey, you ok?"

Buck nods. "Yeah, just tired. Ready to go home--shit." Buck feels a shooting pain so intense his knees buckle and Eddie has to hold him upright to keep him from hitting the floor. 

“Woah!” Eddie calls Bobby over, who’s closest, for help, “Buck? Buck, you with me? What’s wrong? What hurts?” 

Buck just shakes his head and grits his teeth, the pain so debilitating he can hardly breathe much less speak. 

The Captain is on his other side in an instant and together Eddie and Bobby help Buck towards the couch, where he collapses in a heap, throwing his head back and letting out an agonized whine. “What’s going on? Did he get hurt during one of the calls?” Bobby asks Eddie, frantic to help put a stop to this. 

Eddie’s helpless, “Bobby I don’t know, one second we were talking about going home and the next he practically fell to the floor in pain.” he turns to face his husband, “Baby, I’m here, look at me, what’s the matter? What hurts?” 

Buck’s face scrunches up and he finally exhales sharply, his grip on the couch cushions loosening, and he opens his eyes, wide like saucers, and says, “What the fuck was that?” 

At this point Hen and Chim, as well as half the crew, have gathered around and Hen is quick to put on her doctors hat and try to sus out the problem. She makes Bobby step aside and Chimney hands her a stethoscope. “Buck, is it your stomach?” she asks, noticing the stiff way he’s holding himself around his midriff. 

“I don’t--kinda? I don’t know. It was just like, this crazy wave of pain, almost like a cramp, but way worse.” he struggles to describe the feeling now that it’s more or less passed for the time being.  

Hen had seen Buck wince when he’d been in the harness on the last call of the day, but he hadn’t said anything and she hadn’t thought too much about it until now. “Did you hurt yourself in the harness earlier? Maybe pulled something when we reeled you back up?” she asks, palpitating his stomach with her fingers, watching him almost retract from her touch. 

“Maybe?” Buck shrugs uncomfortably, wincing when she hits a particularly sore spot. 

Something about this feels familiar and strangely obvious, but Hen doesn’t understand why until she puts her stethoscope up to his belly to check for lack of bowel sounds, indicating maybe some internal bleeding or sorts. 

Hen gasps out loud and sits up like she’s been smacked. 

Eddie frowns. “What? What’s wrong? Is he gonna be ok?” He almost wants to snatch the damn stethoscope out of her ears and check for himself, his eyes darting between Hen and Buck nervously. 

“Buck, you’re pregnant. And in labor, by the sounds of it.” Hen blurts out in disbelief. 

“What.” Buck blinks at her, waiting for the other shoe to drop. This has to be a joke. 

“I heard a heartbeat in there...” Hen informs them, still awed. “Buck, that was a contraction you just experienced.” 

Eddie gapes at Hen and then at Buck. “You’re pregnant?” 

Buck gapes right back at him. “No!” he denies, shaking his head incredulously. “That’s insane, I can’t be pregn--ah--” Buck leans forward in pain as another contraction begins. “Fuck.” 

“Jesus, yeah, no you’re definitely pregnant,” Chim announces, “Your water just broke all over my favorite couch, bud. I’m getting the ambulance ready asap.” he says, before running to do just that, head reeling. He thinks about Maddie and when she gave birth to their daughter and how scared out of his mind he’d been and he sympathizes for Buck and Eddie, who up until now apparently hadn’t even realizes they were expecting... 

Back at the lounge Buck continues to deny any of this is even happening. He whines into Eddie’s chest, “That’s pee, it has to be, because I’m not pregnant. There’s no way.” he lets out a pitiful whimper as another contraction begins and buries his face against his husband to hide the tears springing up in his eyes. 

“Buck, son, we gotta get you to a hospital right now.” Bobby tries, running a soothing hand over the top of his head. 

But Buck shakes his head no, shuddering out a sob. “M’not going.” 

Eddie, overwhelmed, looks to Hen and Bobby for help. 

“Buck, ambulance is ready to go, we need to move unless you wanna have this kid at the firehouse.” Hen grimaces. “I know you’re in pain and I know you’re confused and hurting, but we need to get you into that ambulance and now.” 

Buck cries out when another contraction hits him and Hen gulps. “Your contractions are getting way too close together, we need to move.” she nods at her Captain and Eddie to help get Buck up and together the three of them manage to get Buck onto a gurney and into the waiting ambulance.

Bobby rides up front with Chimney, leaving Hen and Eddie to work in the back with Buck. 

“Buck, you need to start getting ready to push, this baby’s coming.” Hen warns him, but Buck refuses. 

“I can’t.” he sobs. “I didn’t--” he throws his head back, the pain lighting his nerves on fire. “I swear Eddie, I didn’t know. You gotta believe me.”

Eddie takes Bucks hand into his and brings it up to his lips. “I know baby, I know, you don’t have to worry about that. I promise. Nobody is mad at you, ok? I’m not. But right now you need to focus on pushing, you need to listen to Hen, ok? We’re ok, and you’re gonna be ok, but I need you to push, baby. I love you so much, you know that, right?” 

Buck lets Eddie wipe away his tears, leans into the comforting touch, and nods shakily, exhaling. “O-ok, I’m--I’m ready.” 

.

.

.

**************

.

.

.

The baby is so very tiny in Eddie’s arms. 

Olive Buckley-Diaz is born weighing exactly six pounds and two ounces. 

Christopher, who’s curled up against Bucks side on the hospital bed after a very exhausting day, looks up at his Buck, his little brow still knitted in confusion. “So she was a surprise baby? And that’s how come you guys didn’t tell me about her?” 

Buck tries not to laugh. “Yeah bud, it was a huge surprise to us, too.” 

Eddie nods along, smiling fondly down at the bundle he’s holding. Her blotchy red face is slack in sleep and there’s already tufts of brown hair sticking up funnily on her head under her hat. “I still can’t believe you only gained like fifteen pounds during the whole pregnancy.” Eddie chuckles, “Or that you worked through the nine months, God Buck, when I think of the stunts you pulled during calls in the last few months alone I’m--” he shudders. “Actually I’d rather not think about it.” he sighs, “I’m just happy you’re both healthy at the end of the day.” 

Really, it’s a miracle. The doctor had said as much after the delivery. 

“To be fair I never got any of the other symptoms,” Buck shrugs. “I wasn’t nauseous, my feet never swelled, I don’t remember any weird cravings? And you said it yourself, I didn’t really gain all that much weight.” 

Eddie leans down to kiss Buck’s forehead. “You should be on that show.” he grins. 

Buck tilts his head. 

“You know the one, the one Hen made us watch when work was slow that one time. ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’.” he teases. 

Buck groans. “I regret all the jokes I made at the time. I totally get those people now. Pregnancy is weird.” 

Christopher rests his head more comfortably against Bucks chest and smiles softly. “Yeah, but now our family’s even bigger.” 

.

[crazy-loca-blog]

Casey Valentine: About Her Present

A/N: Did the inspiration suddenly hit me after I had no idea what to do about this because I had never thought about it before? It did. Set somewhere between the end of Book 3 and right after it just because otherwise I wouldn't have had things to say about Casey's future. Part of the @openheartfanfics "Meet My MC" event.

Meet My MC || About Her Past

If Casey had to describe her three-year residency at Edenbrook, she'd say it's been intense, life-changing and unexpected. Time went by so fast and so many things happened in so little time, that quite often she still thinks all of this is just a dream.

Sometimes she still doesn't believe that she survived a betrayal, a trial, and an assasination attempt. She could even write a book about it, but keeping some of these stories to herself and the people around her seems wiser.

She passed her boards with flying colors and now she's ready to face a new challenge: becoming the new head of the Diagnostics Team. Ethan offered her the job after he was offered the Chief of Medicine position by Naveen, and even though at first she didn't know what to answer, she knew that Ethan would have never offered her the position if he considered her incapable of excelling at it.

And you can tell she already has a lot of plans for the team, even though none of them implies filling the spot that she'll leave. The work dynamic with Harper and Tobias is amazing, and they all think they don't need another member at the moment.

She's also glad that her salary will allow her to get rid of her med school debt sooner than she expected, even though she knows what she'll do with part of her first payment: she'll get Esme a ticket to visit her parents in El Salvador. This is something she's been thinking about since she knew her story. She knows how it feels growing up without parents, so if she can make a difference on the life of her intern, she will.

The only condition for her to accept her new position as head of the team was to be able to set some time apart to work in the free clinic. This is one of the most rewardings experiences for her and it reminds her why she decided to become a doctor in the first place, so she doesn't want to lose that.

When Casey first arrived in Boston, it was all about the medicine. She wanted to learn from the best. Little did she know that the same guy she admired as a doctor would become the love of her life.

Everything began as a mentor and mentee relationship, but after a few months it became something else. And it's been that way for the last three years.

Their relationship has been... interesting, to say the least. They both had different reasons to fight their feelings for each other (Ethan's morals on one side, and Casey's previous heartbreaks on the other side), but apparently when two people are meant to be, things are just inevitable. And they seem to be inevitable.

After the longest time and many highs and lows, they made things official a few weeks ago. And they're over the moon about this. Casey doesn't remember being this happy before.

However, she wants to do things right this time. She has always felt her previous relationships failed because she made too many impulsive and bad decisions, and she really wants things to work this time... mostly because she has recently discovered admitted to herself that this is the first time that she is completely and utterly in love.

Yeah, she thought she had been in love before... but after meeting Ethan and understanding her feelings towards him, she just knew she had been so wrong in the past! She never felt like this about anyone before.

Do people talk about them? All the time. Does she care? Not at all. She felt uncomfortable about rumors at first, but Casey knows that people have been talking about them for the last three years, and she doesn't care anymore. She's just too busy trying to be happy to care about what people say about them.

However, to avoid any potential conflicts at work, they both have decided to keep their relationship as private as possible. And so far it's working.

If Casey learned something about friendship during her residency, is that you never know when someone may betray you. Luckily, she has few friends, but they're the best.

Luckily, they all happen to be brilliant in their areas of expertise, so they all are geting great job offers to stay in Boston. And none of them is planning to leave.

This is awesome for several reasons, but mainly because they don't need to find a new place to live or a new roomie, which is a relief for everyone, and because they won't need to schedule annual reunions to catch up on their lives... they can keep having their daily or weekly ones.

She is also lucky to keep working with people she admires a lot: Tobias and Harper. She still can't consider them her friends, but they're certainly on their way to become more than colleagues.

Outside Edenbrook, Casey also keeps in touch with her med school besties: Tracy and Lauren. They both are doing their residencies at Mayo Clinic, so the chances they visit each other any time soon are very low. However, Facetime helps them to keep in touch at least once a week... and Tracy is getting married very soon in New York, so Casey is counting the days to see her girls after all this time (maybe she should tell them that now she might be taking a plus one with her?).

Even though the original plan was that Oliver would be going to Boston with Casey, things changed after grandma Marie passed away and Oliver decided to stay back home.

The twins had never been apart, so this has been a whole new experience for them. Not only it has helped them to become their own person, but now their relationship is stronger than ever.

They keep in touch on a daily basis. They don't talk on the phone often, but they are constantly messaging each other during the day.

Oliver also visits her every two or three months. And Casey's heart feels so full of love when his brother has the chance to share with her extended family, just because they all get along really well. In fact, they've already set a tradition: every time that Oliver is in town, they make plans to spend a day at Martha's Vineyard.

Casey goes back to Virginia every summer; however, the end of her her residency might mean that this is the last time in a while that she'll be able to spend more than two weeks at home. But that's okay... as long as she has a few days to recharge her energy by being in touch with nature and with her roots, she'll survive.

Of course, she's dying to take her friends there. Ethan has already visited and he won't admit it yet, but he's become a fan of that place. He completely gets why Casey loves it so much.

The idea of returning home after the end of her residency was tempting, Casey actually considered it at some point, but she'd be lying to herself if she says her heart is not in Boston.

Going from Virginia to Massachussets was a 180 degree change in Casey's life. She traded the mountains, the lakes and the river for skyscrapers, Seaport and Boston Common. Of course, this also meant making some life adjustments and discovering new hobbies.

She finally managed to balance work and life (something that had been impossible at med school). And even though Donahue's is the place to go after the long shifts, brunch on weekends with the gang are definitely her favorites.

Bryce, Rafael, and Ethan introduced her to the gym life at Edenbrook. At first, she only trained with the guys, but now she goes a lot by herself too, especially when she feels too stressed or when she needs to disconnect from the world. However, when it comes to release anger, boxing with Jackie is most definitely the option at the top of her list.

Sienna has taught her the art of vision boards to achieve her goals, but she's far from mastering it. in fact, any person who sees her vision boards would think they were made by a 5 year old kid. At least she tries (and she may even have reached a goal or two).

She also volunteers with Rafael once a week at his community center, even though she still can't learn how to dance samba. Sometimes, they also recruit interns, residents and attendings to perform some routine health checks to whoever wants them. These events are a hit... handsy Henrietta can't deal with so many hot doctors at the same time!

Life has taught her a lot since she arrived in Boston. Third-year resident Casey is a completely different person than the girl who assisted a thoracotomy on her first day at Edenbrook.

Luckily she hasn't stopped being her best self; however, after the incident, she felt that life was giving her a second chance. And she's been making the most of it since then.

She has everything to be happy: a dream job, the best brother in the world, a group of friends that became her extended family, and a "new" boyfriend who has been with her through thick and thin during the last three years.

She still deals with some PTSD, but a good therapy and understanding that this is perfectly normal while trying to learn to deal with it helps a lot.

Now she's ready to make a real difference in health care, the one that she dreamed about making in her intern year.

Tags: @adiehardfan @izzyourresidentlawyer

[khaleesiofalicante]

Ok imma be honest, this chapter moved me to tears and not the sad sobbing but the more inspiring kind. This chapter means the world.

She had told them her dreams were about ducks – since there were the only equally horrible thing she could think of.

Uncle Magnus had given her an odd look then, as if he knew she was bullshitting them. But he hadn’t said anything.

DUCKS AREN'T THAT BAD! HAVE Y'ALL EVER BEEN CHASED BY A GOAT?? I WAS CONVINCED I WAS GONNA DIE

Lexi would be royally pissed if this turned out to be some stupid pointless dream.

YUP

Even though she was only 7 minutes older than Lexi, Selena always acted like she was 7 years older.

That's so cute though

People looked at her pastel-coloured aesthetic immediately assumed she was the soft and sweet Fairchild twin. People saw Selena in her red leather jacket and thigh high boots and assumed she was in the infamous troublesome Herondale twin.

SMH THE DAMN STEREOTYPES

Why Selena hadn’t killed her in her sleep yet, Lexi doesn’t know.

BYE THAT'S EVERY SIBLING RELATIONSHIP EVER

The meals at the Academy were to die for – quite literally. Last week two students from the warlock fraction had almost killed each other over a blueberry muffin.

Oh how times change...they will never know the dreaded soup

NO ANJALI HAS BEEN GONE FOR OVER A YEAR???

IS JAIME OK?? PLEASE BE OK! HE CAN LIVE WITH TREATMENT SO I REALLY HOPE HE'S OK

Selena’s was Idris of course. She was kind of obsessed with it.

Max loved the shadow markets. Lexi thought they were very cool too.

Rafael loved his father’s office – which was weird. There was nothing to do in that room other than ponder about shadow world problems. Besides, the place still weirdly smelled like the tangerine perfume Anjali wore, even though the girl had left New York almost a year ago.

David loved the New York Institute – especially the library.

Gigi of course loved the dining halls.

Dining halls, kitchens, food trucks, vending machines - if a place had food with it, Gigi loved it.

It's so amazing how they all have their favorite places...(same David same)

“You’re supposed to pour the syrup on the pancakes not into your mouth,” Lexi chuckled as she sat down next to her.

“It ends up in my mouth anyway,” Gigi shrugged.

True enough.

AWW ROMAN MAKING GIGI PLAYLISTS!!

Someone make me a playlist.

“His parents fell in love in Rome when they were in Rome,” Gigi pointed out even though Lexi already knew. “I think it’s actually romantic.”

I had forgotten that-

Roman was nice. But not nice enough for Georgia. Lexi didn’t think there was anyone good enough for her parabatai – who was the most perfect person in the world.

Me @ anyone who tries to make a move at my best friend.

AWW GEORGIA LIKES HIM TOO!!

When's the wedding?

(you're telling me you didn't believe you were gonna marry your childhood crush? Liar)

“I like being his friend,” Georgia said. “I like spending time with him and all of that. But I don’t know if I like him…in that way. I feel like I need more time.”

Demiromantic??? YES GIVE US THE REP

Lexi sometimes thought life would be so much simpler if the world was full of women and everyone was a lesbian.

Ikr?? Life would be so much easier.

Lexi says Roman is too-nice-sus

Well well well

The kind of love that cheated death.

The kind of love that sustained memory spells put by princes of hell.

The kind of love that changed the world.

Trust me all of our standards are very high

Lexi successfully survived the class without falling asleep.

Me during English.

Ok who's the blond?

Lexi I thought we weren't gonna fall this soon-

Oh the girl's straight...sigh we've all been there.

which meant they had to hold hands. Kinda.

Lexi was a little scared of that.

Me.

Goddamnit, Alexandra. Get your gay together!

THAT'S SO RELATABLE LIKE?? YES

OH MY GOD IT'S EMMA AND JULIAN'S DAUGHTER GEIDIDHDOHDJSKSJSKGXJDHSODHKDGDDGDJHDJDGDJDGJDHD

Lexi knew Olivia liked boys. She hadn’t dated anyone officially of course. All the boys were kind of terrified of her father.

She could be bi or pan or omni. WE GOTTA HAVE HOPE

vegetable loaf... David I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Lexi then decided not to do any of her homework over the weekend because she was not coming back to the academy. She was not going to survive the sleepover and whatever else Olivia had in mind.

Bestie...why is this me when I make eye contact with my crush.

“Good stuff?” Max snorted. “Rafe literally ran away from home cause shit got too intense.”

“I didn’t run away!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Stop telling people that!”

“But you have rumours and shadowhunters getting thrown into silent city and cohort drama and all that exciting stuff!” Liv pointed out.

I-

Liv-

True though.

“Wasn’t there a serial killer when your parents were young?” David asked.

“And didn’t your uncle do necromancy?” Max said biting into a chicken wing.

True and true

“Sorry, Chouchou!” Lexi winced. “I, uh, sensed a mosquitoe on your leg.”

“Girl, your angel powers are weird as fuck,” Max laughed.

MAX LANGUAGE

“I don’t know,” the girl shrugged and threw her a wink. “I wouldn’t put anything past Lexi.”

Lexi looked at Gigi. She was one more compliment away from screaming.

But Gigi of course knew her struggle and therefore quickly stuffed a bread roll into Lexi’s mouth.

I need someone to stuff bread into my mouth when things get like this

There were rumours about David – and how Daddy had an affair. Lexi was yet to find those asshats and shove a witch light down their throats.

When you find them lemme know too.

“Or maybe it’s because you don’t need rumours be interesting,” David pointed out.

Max turned around, looking surprised at that. His cheeks turned purple. Lexi didn’t know why he was surprised. David only ever spoke fondly of Max.

JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY OH MY GOD

“Oh. Oh! I did hear something a long time ago!” Gigi said suddenly. “Olly, is it true you were conceived at the beach?”

“Georgia, you can’t just ask people where they were conceived!” David sounded horrified.

That is very much possible.

“I heard you were conceived in hell?”

“Oh my god,” Selena looked horrified. “That’s not true! It must have been about Max!”

“Y’all I am adopted!” Max was shaking with laughter and then stopped. “Although our dads could have definitely had sex in hell. I wouldn’t put it past them.”

Oh yes. Both clace and malec.

Then they had of course continued to discuss that cursed topic until Rafael had threatened to tell the Consul about it.

LMAO

Lexi turned around and saw Liv waiting for her. Nope. She wasn’t going to talk a walk – a fucking stroll! – with Olivia all on her own.

“You are coming back to the institute with me or I will un-parabatai you.”

You know there being an un-parabatai ceremony would solve a lot of shit

What if their hands accidentally grazed or something? That shit was lethal.

RIGHT????

She is just trying to be nice. That’s what friends do. They are nice. And they give each other pretty dresses and say they would like to see them in it.

Honey that's gay.

EVERYONE ASKING HER OUT IM DEAD

Selena: Ugh boys

Selena: When I win back Idris, we are leaving all the men behind.

Lexi: Except Magnus? Lol.

Selena: Obviously.

Is that even a question Lexi? Duh.

ALEC LIGHTWOOD THOUGHT SHE WAS STRAIGHT? THE SHAME!

OH MY GOD IM CACKLING

Not everyone can kiss their partner in the Accords Hall. Some people didn’t have access to the Accords Hall.

And most important, some people didn’t have partners!

We're getting a lexi and Alec talk someone hold me

“I’m going to tell you something,” Uncle Alec said. “It might sound simple. It might sound ridiculous. But it’s the truth. So, you must believe me. Can you do that?”

Lexi gave him a small nod.

“It doesn’t matter what other people think,” Uncle Alec said. “Not when it comes to your future. Not when it comes to your identity. They don’t get to have a say in who you are and why you are the way you are.”

Lexi bit her lip.

“Alexandra, people will always tell what to do. But you shouldn’t let them. Never let anyone tell you what to do with your heart or your body. Neither belongs them. It only belongs to you.”

THIS RIGHT HERE MADE ME START CRYING BECAUSE DAMN YES!

“Yep,” she groaned and then hesitated for a moment. “Uncle Alec…Can I ask you something stupid?”

“Can I say no?”

“No.”

“Then go ahead.”

I love her so much

“I feel…I feel it’s something we have to bear, Alexandra. The fear of rejection. It’s something we have to accept as an inevitable part of our lives. Because no matter how much love we have around us, we will always be afraid of people not loving us – simply because of who we are.”

Yeah...

“Besides, they named you after me,” he pointed out. “I don’t know what else they expected.”

EXACTLY! Did they really expect a straight child after naming them after Alec?

“I do like shouting,” Lexi wondered out loud. “That’s good advice.”

“I didn’t mean it literally!” Uncle Alec looked alarmed.

“No, it makes total sense!” Lexi grinned. “Some of these people can be tone deaf. Gotta shout it out. Loud and clear. Awesome advice! Thanks, Uncle Alec!”

DO IT

“Hey, Lexi. I was wonderin-”

“MOVE, I’M GAY!” she yelled as she shoved him aside and kept on running.

ABSOLUTELY ICONIC

“I prefer she/her,” Lexi answered. "But sometimes I prefer she/they. But you can use she/her because some of y'all already shit at grammar."

That's exactly what I tell people when they ask for my pronouns. Istg people are shit at grammar.

alright girl im here to give you a lecture on how someone's dressing doesn't describe their sexuality

OH MY MY GOD THERE WAS A GENDER AND SEXUALITY CLASS IN THE ACADEMY ARE THEY RECRUITING???

One of the boys who had complimented cleared his throat. “So, uh, you don’t like boys?”

“That’s literally what I said,” Lexi rolled her eyes. “I’m gay. I’m very gay. I’m gayer than the Consul. Okay fine, that’s not true. No one gayer than the Consul. But I’m still pretty gay.”

Does the boy have hearing problems?

ALSO YES NO ONE'S GAYER THAN THE CONSUL

“Sexual orientation and gender expression are two different things,” she explained now, remember what Uncle Magnus had taught them. “Sexual orientation refers to who I am sexually and romantically attracted to. Gender expression is how I want to express my gender identity. Those two are not connected. Just because a woman wears feminine clothes it doesn’t mean she is straight. Just because a man embraces femininity, it doesn’t make him gay either. Does that make sense?”

“Ohhh,” the girl nodded. “Yes, it does. Thank you!”

“What I wear does not reflect who I like. It reflects who I am and what I like to wear,” Lexi explained. “And regardless of my sexuality, I like pretty things.”

Exactly.

“This doesn’t change anything. I hope you know that,” he told her. “I mean I have to change the pronouns in my shovel talk. But that’s not a big deal.”

Awwww

Also – my good friend Raziel told me that homophobia is a sin.”

“You mean homosexuality is a sin?” an older man asked.

“No, homophobia is a sin,” Lexi repeated. “That’s what Raziel said.”

“But that’s not-”

Someone cleared their throat. When he spoke, it was in the Consul Voice.

“Are you saying know better than Raziel?” the Consul asked.

Listen to Raziel you dumb shit

“Sure. Let me just call the Lesbian Alliance,” Lexi rolled her eyes.

Ugh I wish

OH NO NO NO NOT THE FAKE DATING. JUST CONFESS AND DATE FOR REAL

“Alexandra, I have a fucking undercut and I have pink highlights and I cuff my jeans and I literally walk around with a sword and I can quote Lady Gaga to perfection! Why would you ever think I was straight??”

Lexi your gaydar is broken bestie.

Don't do this omg this is gonna be a mess

Gigi: THIS IS A BAD IDEA. ABORT! ABORT!

Lexi: Relaaaax. It’s going to be fine!

Gigi: I’ve read enough fanfiction to know the fake dating trope never ends well!

Lexi: I’ve told you to include the ‘angst with happy ending’ tag!

LMAO

Also Gigi which fanfiction do you read?

Jace omg...

That's so him though.

“How about my peeps? It sounds very hip.”

“It does not,” Lexi replied. “Please don’t refer to us as your peeps under any circumstance."

IM SCREAMING ASHSKHSIDBSHSHDH

Her father chuckled at that. “Sweetheart, you’re a Herondale. Being problematic is what we do.”

EXACTLY

Daddy opened the notebook again. “I need names.”

Grabs flamethrower names

“Besides, the Lightwoods and Blackthorns have been hogging the gay genes for too long. Now it’s our turn. I say you gay it up.”

“Gay it up?” Lexi laughed.

“Yeah,” he grinned. “Go for the highest possible level of gay.”

DO IT

He blinked for a second and then it hit him. “OH MY GOD YES! DOES EMMA KNOW??”

Lexi laughed. Yeah, he can never find out it was a fake dating situation.

Hopefully he won't have to because it won't be fake :D

“To love is a privilege and to be loved is a blessing.”

THE GROWTH OH MY GOD

This chapter literally means so much to me. I don't even know what to say. I hope I too can one day have the courage to shout it in front of everyone and not be scared. See ya on Tuesday!

It means so much to me that this chapter meant a lot to you. I hope you find all the courage, strength and support you need. You are amazing.

And here. I made you a playlist.

You can find it here on YouTube. I hope you like it :)