#i realized i dont have to care so much about minor mistakes because this isnt my damn job its smth for fun

[buwheal]

Hey Spam, not to sound rude or anything, but i think something is stuck in your hair to your left. IDK what it is, but it looks like kinda spiky so please be careful!

[kdramachitchat]

Hometown Cha Cha Cha episode 2 recap: Hye-jin tries to be more sincere to her new neighbors. Her clinic ended up being a success, thanks to Dusik. Looks like they met before in the past too.

The episode begins with a surrounding view of the ocean closing to night time. Then the morning comes with Hwa-Jung being busy with what looks like accounting matters. She then opens a folded paper that states her divorce mutual consent with her husband. Those are some of the moments she said that she regrets.

Another Gongjin resident Oh Chunjae is also going through his recorded tapes. Seems that he used to be a recording artist back at the 90s as he was reminiscing with his 2nd album casset demo. I wonder how he never made it. We were then shown with Dusik getting something out of closet, a black suit and he's looking at it pensively with a sigh. Minah finally opens her clinic but ended up sighing. Goes to show no matter what decisions you decided to take, you can never turn back the clock.

We go back to 2 weeks ago, Dusik enters the Chongho Scuba Diving shop with Hyejin in toe. They were checking out the possible office spaces. Dusik showed her a office space that has a nice view of the ocean. Hyejin though is not satisfied as she has requirements for her office, not just for a nice view. Despite not being satisfied she is running out of options. Dusik showed her a better option with a bigger space but the style is old fashion as its more ecofriendly. The interior isnt style. She wants a more antique european style. I dont think you could find that in Gongjin. Dusik offered her offwhite wallpaper isntead that is the simplest thing he could offer trhat's close to her taste. Hyejin is worried though in hoping that Dusik and Hwajung may end up scamming her because she's not from the countryside. Hwajung reassures her by saying that everyone knows the both of them. They could never scam anyone. She revealed her card and states that she's a zone chief. They show more proof and the office space that she just saw is the unit that Hwajung planned to save if ever she opens up her 2nd restaurant. Although, with the goodness of her heart she offered it to Hyejin because she thinks that the whole town needs a dental clinic and its much more valuable. Dusik tried to leave but Hyejin stops him by stepping on his foot.  They officially signed the contract as landlady and tenant. Hwajung then pays Dusik for 4 hours worth of work. Dusik ended up following her back. She owes him 17k won worth. Dusik offers services for renovating and shows her all his certified liscences. Hyejin ended up in shock and thinks he's weird. She's back in Seoul packing her things and showing her friend where she's moving.

Hyejin finally travels back to Gongjin looking content and satisfied while driving. The locals are curious as to who is moving in. Someone is moving into Ms Seo's house. The locals thought its a joke that she's a dentist although she really is one. She finally settles in and calls her parents updating them about her moving status. She even puts up her family portrtait. Dusik then visits her late at night to verify her registration. Dusik tells her the neighborhood rules and things she should know. Since Dusik was the one who set up the house, he sets up the door lock code too which ended up being his birthday. We now know that he's a year older than her and she accidentally calls him 'oppa' she instantly feels weird about it after Dusik asking if its a hint of affection. He says that he doesnt want any of it. She then asked him where the nearest coffee place is. In order to work she needs coffee to start her day and the only one nearby is the 4000won coffee stop, HAHAHA. She feels traumatized already and refuses to come back there. Dusik says let bygones be bygones as they're her new neighbors now, she has to get used to them despite the wrong introductories. She said she doesnt mind but the coffee is awful. The word has spread of a new dentist in town, the elderly talks about going for a visit. While running, Dusik finally renovated her dentist office and Hyejin complimented his work on a job well done. The villagers saw her running with the joggings but since they live in the village so long they do not know that its workout gear in the modern era. they ended up in shock. Hwajung stops by at Hyejin's to check up on her and is impressed by the renovation.

She then invites her to a party for the elderly the next day. Hyejin looks uncomfortable and tells her that she'll check her schedule, although Hwajung tells her to stop by even if she's busy. Its a way to introduce herself as a neighbor and to promote her clinic. Hyejin then sits with the elderly ladies, Gamri offers her bread wrapped with kimchi by the hand but Hyejin declines it, that's a wrong impression right away for someone who wants to promote her clinic. It comes off as rude. Hwajung comes to her aid and tells her if she needs any help to let her know because she rented 2 of her properties. Hyejin starts complaining about the minor details of her office space and Hwajung looks at her with a stunned expression. The rest of the village people started introducing themselves and offers help. They all stood up and she's left alone with the cafe owner Chunjae. He continues to promote his failed 1993 song to her as well as his life story on how he ended up in Gongjin. She starts to get annoyed and lose appetite and left. She starts complaining on how they're eating out in the open and its unsanitary. Being a dentist makes her become OC with the cleanliness but she doesn't have to be rude about the food either. The village people were trying to be nice to her. Dusik tells her she's fussy and picky. Tells her why cant she see the good things around her. Good point. Dusik trying to show her the good things about Gyongjin but she isnt listening to him.

The speaker ended up with a sound issue and Chunjae stopped singing. Hyejin was ended up exposed on loud speaker complaining that she should've stayed in Seoul. Uh oh. This is so embarassing. The mic at the office she's in is open. I'd be so embarassed to show my face infront of them after badmouthing them behind their backs. They may be annoying but dont be rude. Hyejin realized what happened quickly and Dusik was the most disappointed person in the room. Dusik defends her that she's just doing is ignorant blabbing, tells Chunjae not to take it seriously. She then decides to open applications for new employee recruitment for her clinci. She then receives a delivery from Dusik. Tells him that he does everything for the village. Dusik tells her that she thinks she knows everything just because she got good grades and has a good paying job. Just because she was able to get through the small bumbs she decides to act bigger than everybody else. Just because she freely judges the village people's lives but when its her life she's offended especially when she's being assessed. Dusik stating facts, life isnt fair for everybody. Dont judge on people's shortcomings just because you passed yours. Someone ran the doorbell and her best friend Miseon surprisingly visits her. It was revealed that her partner ended up cheating on her. Miseon tells her to take down the classified ad and offers herself to work for Hyejin. Her first day at the dentist finally started and nobody has visited. They're bored out of their minds, went out and tried to think of ways to promote the dentist. The village ended up ignoring her whenever she's trying to greet them. She deserves this and Miseon notices that everyone else is ignoring her.  Dusik observes her from afar looking worried and she finally tells Miseon what happened. Her friend immediately tells her to move out to avoid the red expenses and not to end up like her dad. Dusik then sees her jogging at night. Dusik advices her to at least meet with the village's expectations halfway. Be part of them. She needs to get acustomed and Dusik tells her that people make mistakes. She didnt know that the mic was turned on. He tells her not to worry as they all badmouth other people once in a while. He also tells her that since both sides are even she can move forward from this incident and start fresh. She then offers the rice cakes to the neighborhood as a way of apology. Not every delivery ended up smoothly. She ended up meeting the 2 kids from the last time. They asked for a favor to take care of their pet as they couldnt but Hyejin declined politely. She recommended Chief Hong but even Hong declined. She thought why would he ignore a child's request if he's acting high and mighty. The word has spread around even to children, they talk about how she's a cold-hearted person and this hurt Hyejin. She has no choice but to take care of the pet.

Dusik visits Chunjae and sees that he threw away his 2nd album demo casset. Dusik pays Hyejin a visit. Tells her off thinking that handing out rice cakes is enough for the village to forget about what she's done. She has to do more and be more sincere. Dusik offers his help and doesnt want her business to tank. She cant avoid them forever and Dusik invites her to a neighbor meeting. Hyejin tells him that they're all strangers and asks for support but Dusik sends her off and for her to do it alone with courage. Theyre still offended that Hyejin's standards are not met and they're surprised that she even attended. Dusik saves her by bringing snacks which were made by her. Dusik makes an excuse for her that she was edgy on moving and wants to apologize by preparing some food. The meeting is about a cleaning project they have to do and thanked Hyejin for her snacks. After the meeting Hyejin thanked him and is surprised that he ended up caring so much. Dusik gives her the bill with the snacks he bought and tells her to wire him the money. Hwajung shows up to her home and tells her to attend the weekly cleanup, she says that she just moved and as an excuse it was satisfying. But then Dusik ended up bothering her by his constant door knocking and bell ringing. She even faked her sickness but Dusik is not having it. He's acting like a strict father and forces her to join the cleaning.

A first visitor finally visited the clinic and its Euncheol. Then more visitors started coming in. Looks like a new leaf has turned. Euncheol reported back to Dusik about her treatment and the cost saying that its reasonable. Dusik visits Chunjae and tells him that his song has been imported digitally. Chunjae tells him that he shouldnt focus on the past anymore and move forward to the future. Chunjae asks for a favor from Dusik to teach him how to properly make coffee. We then see that the clinic is becoming more busy and it looks like its gearing towards sucess. They ended up with a satisfying and exhausting day. Although they suddenly thought how overnight their dentist clinic became a success and for sure Hyejin believes it's all thanks to Dusik. Hyejin bumps into Chunjae and tells him that the title track isnt her favorite but favors another and apologizes with his story. She asked where Chief Hong is and looks like his mood suddenly cheered up with her truthful compliment. Chunjae went back and listened to the track Hyejin liked. Hyejin gave him the confidence. She then finally has found Dusik sitting at the top of a small hill nearby the water.

Hyejin thanks Dusik for the many patients she received today. The ep ended up with her climbing the small rock hill but ended slipping and Dusik saved her from falling. A flashback of Dusik spending time with his grandfather. They spot a family and the father asked a favor to take a picture of them. Dusik tries to cheer up Hyejin and she ended up smiling for the photo. Is this why Dusik likes spending time with the elderly? Its because of the memories he has with his grandfather? They met before.

Du Sik is really Chief Hong. While everyone was shunning Hyejin and talking behind her back, he was the only one who became a leader and guide for her. He pointed out her mistake and encouraged her to do better, be more sincere to others.

[deddie-eddie]

Hypocrisy in fandom.

TW // suicide, suicide baiting, harassment

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Yesterday, I nearly killed myself.

I was in the midst of a breakdown, I was shaking so hard I couldnt breathe, and if I wasn't I likely would have been able to open the pill bottle and I likely would have gone through with it.

I had to be talked down via phone call while I was on a camping trip with my family.

But why?

Two days ago, I did something awful. I found a "pedo struggling" account, run by an anti, who was posting screenshots of me and my friends, and called them out.

Little did I know, this would be the start of something horrible.

It started out fine. I made a couple jokes, laughed along at other proshippers in the comments, and it was all fine.

Then, the account posted a vague tweet. "They won't stop." I thought this was funny, so I poked more fun at them. Watched them squirm as they replied to my friends in shaky, broken English. I called it crytyping. I mocked them for it. I assumed I knew what I was talking about and instead of realizing that they were having a breakdown, I assumed that they were being performative and made some horrid accusations in a long callout thread about them. I posted screenshots of them as they replied with, what I thought was, performative nonsense. I privately mocked them. To summarize, I did something entirely, unarguably, factually awful. I made assumptions I had no right to make and acted on them in the worst way.

Then I went to bed.

When I woke up, I had hundreds of notifications. Spammed messages of "deactivate," "how could you do something like this," and a barrage of fancams.

It had come out that the person I was mocking was having a genuine panic attack, and that I had mocked them in a time of immense struggle and pain. I had no right to mock them in the first place, but now that it was genuine, my actions were amplified.

I finally took more than two seconds to think about what I'd done, and realized I was a huge, giant, absolutely massive asshole. I deleted the thread, released a long apology, and tried to take every comment and all my criticism in stride. I was still getting a lot of hate. That was understandable. I knew I didnt deserve to be forgiven yet. I let it be. I didnt tweet anything else for fear of it seeming like I wasnt taking this horrible situation seriously. I sincerely, honestly replied to people asking me why, how, and what I thought I was doing. They had every right to know. Still, the cries of "deactivate" rolled in. I knew I deserved them.

Then, it got worse.

I got a comment. I checked it.

"I dont usually say this but ummm... you should kys."

My heart raced. It had been a while since someone had told me to kill myself. I knew I had fucked up but I didnt realize just how hard, if people were really telling me to kill myself. But i brushed it off. It was one comment. I deserved it.

But it kept. Coming.

More people. "Deactivate," "kill yourself," "you're a freak." All day. Every minute I'd have a new notif, and every moment a new threat. "You'll be alone forever." "I hope you rot alone." I knew I had to take it because I had inadvertently sent people to harass that person. I didnt deserve to be forgiven. I still dont.

People watched my follower count drop. So did I. I lost mutuals I had interacted with for months. I lost people who said that they would always be there for me. I lost people who used to call me their best friend.

I had no one ask me for my side. No one that i was close to, anyway. None of the tens of people who told me that they cared about me, that they loved me, that theyd always be there for me. Not a single one of them was there to ask me. They all read the same callout post, and came to the same conclusion. That I was a horrible, unforgivable person. And I dont blame them for that. Sometimes I think I am too.

Then they kept going even more. More hate. More callout posts, except now people were making things up. They were lying and I couldnt do anything about it because I was in the wrong and not to be redeemed. Old friends took the sides of people who genuinely suggested that I die or kill myself, and people who said they loved me were handing over screenshots to these people in hopes that they wouldnt get thrown under the bus.

They took old things that I said and did and exaggerated them, posted old DMs out of context, and when they couldnt manipulate my words they just didnt provide evidence at all. They had that power. They had the power to lie about me and I had given it to them.

More people joined in. There was a hashtag spread of me. #staymadeddie on twitter. Look it up if you think I'm lying. People tried to get this trending.

After over a day and a half of NOTHING but constant harassment, I started to think I should take their advice. If I was dead, I'd finally be quiet, and theyd get what they wanted. If I was dead, they wouldnt yell at me anymore. They wouldnt harass me. I would be free.

They managed to make me feel like this in a day and a half.

I had a public breakdown. I screamed over the internet, phone held in shaking hands as I tried not to sob in earshot of my family. I frantically pleaded to what little I had left that they stop. I begged to know what they wanted from me. I asked if they really wanted me to die. I begged them to leave me alone. I threw my phone at my bed, ran to the med cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. If I hadn't been shaking so hard, I'd have opened it. If I had opened it, I dont like to think about what I might have done. I was flooded with comments telling me to get help. Close friends begged me not to do what I wanted so badly to. They dmed me left and right, but i ignored it. I felt numb. Everything had been hurting so much that when presented with death felt almost better. Obviously that was a ludicrous thought. It was a day and a half. I was being rash. But I didnt care. I couldnt take it anymore. I'm 15, I have severe anxiety and depression. When overwhelmed, my impulsive thoughts and actions take over.

A friend called me and had to talk me down over phone call while I was camping with my family. It was successful, of course, but the rest of the day I was plagued with a deep depression that left me feeling hollow and worthless. I still cant keep my thoughts away from it. I think about all the people I've lost. All the people who, in their eyes, I'm dead to. All the people who swore they'd be with me, but when push came to shove they couldnt even spare me a glance.

My crime was harassing a minor. I made assumptions I had no right to make and publicly blasted someone for having a panic attack. In no way was that okay and in no way am I entitled to be forgiven. However, I deleted the post. I released an apology. I took criticism as best I could, without blaming my actions on anything or anyone but myself. I did what they always tell you to do when you fuck up.

But it didnt work.

I *was* genuinely sorry.

I *did* recognize my mistake

I *tried* to make amends.

I *didn't* pass blame.

I fucked up. Hard. But no matter what I did no one would stop. I lost close friends. I lost a best friend. It almost seemed like I'd made it worse.

There is no moral. Because real life isnt black and white. I did an awful thing. These people did awful things too. There is more than one victim here. In people's quest to gain justice for me harassing a minor, they harassed a minor into near suicide and laughed at it.

Dont forget that behind EVERY account there is a real person. Be they adult or child, everyone will fuck up and even though in general we need to think before we post, like I clearly didnt, it is possible to learn from our actions and one negative one doesn't define a person.

I'll say this again.

To some people, people I trusted, people who said they cared about me, i am dead. They hate my guts. I'll never be redeemed. But I'm expected to improve myself with this knowledge. I'm supposed to take all the hate and never speak about the hate coming my way for fear of trying to victimize myself.

No. Fuck you.

I AM a victim. I was harassed as much as they were, and even though I threw the first stone, I never told anyone to die. I never lied about anyone. I didnt cancel them. I learned my mistake and apologized, but I KNOW that NO ONE will EVER be expected to apologize for what they did to me.

What I did was horrible. I am not entitled to forgiveness. I will repeat that a hundred times. But to beat me down until I'm nearly dead, to call me a freak and a pedo and a disgusting person, to tell me to kill myself, then laugh when I call myself a victim, is disgusting.

I DON'T deserve this, and I'm tired of having to pretend like I do.

By all means. Criticize me. Make jokes. Be harsh. But do NOT tell me to kill myself over a lack of forethought, and then have the guts to call yourself a "protector of kids." You're not.

You're only out to protect your friends, and the people who agree with you, other people's lives be damned. I dont matter to you. And you'll never admit that you hurt me.

[voracious-pumpkira-starr]

VORE COMMUNITY PSA

False information was spread about me with very little truth. While some is truth, others are either taken from untrustworthy sources or were said by people whom are enemies i made in the past to make me more hated. I dont know if all of you know the post im refering to, i wont link it here but it has been causing me a lot if stress

Now I’m not going to deny some parts of the post because they are factual. But other parts are false. I havent blackmailed people for roleplay, and I dont charge back payments. The charging back of commissioned artwork is only from the artists point of view. And even then its heavily exxagerated. What happened was I spent too much money on porn commissions using a family members credit card on my own paypal, i paid this family member to do this of course bit they didnt know what i was buying. After i spent over $1000 CAD they realized I was spending it on porn and called paypal to charge it back. Paypal charged it back. I tried and tried to get paypal to send the money back but they locked me out of the account and the family member refused to let me send the money to them. Since then I was only able to pay back one artist of many, its not just artists. Paypal took back all payments and I even lost some of my art programs such as Clip studio EX because of this. Ive also lost many mobile apps and more. This caused me a lot of stress and I wasn’t allowed to use a credit card for a long time. Now, You know who. A certain artist who made these claims. Yes I admit I tried to roleplay with them but I will be honest. This is a honest statement from my own mouth. There is many many people in the community who KNOW I’m sumlur and are of age who roleplay with me and I wont name them to keep them same from harassment. Im not innocent but neither are the people like YOU who spread this information. And I will send you this post privately. Yes it is not my place to be in the vore community but because I have it helped with my depression and I learned many things that made me better as a person. I know my mistakes and I understand even when 2021 comes I will be hated in the community or even not let back in at all. But all I’m going to say. Is that yes I was immature and regret a lot of my decisions. But i stopped ban evading and all that long ago. It is now 3 years since this ekas portal drama has started with me, I, because of outdated or false information spread by you and many others have been Doxxed and had my info leaked on 8chan by a user named cloud runner teeny on 12/24/2018. Its been over a year since i was doxxed and I have been struggiling with depression and at multiple times even was suicidal. I nearly killed myself on lean (purple drank). Im not asking for pity because we both know I did aome messed up shit but making a PSA about me and spreading things from your point of view is only half the story. Many people have harassed my social media because of this or even turned me into a laughing stock. So here, if it makes you happy Cham. I’ll make a statement right here right now publically for all to see. If i lose friends for this then whatever it is what it is. It took me a lot of guts and a long time to say this but the stress has gotten to much for me. for the sake of peace I’ll admit to everything Chammy was correct about me ane everything that was false along with some misconceptions about me: so firstly Chammy is right about my age. My birthday is 01/30/2003. I am nearly 17 years old. Chammy is also correct about me asking him for roleplay stuff. However many adults i know who know my age are fine roleplaying with me and I will make this very clear for all of tumblr and the world. Yes I know the underage law and why you think you would be at risk of becoming a sex offender. But hear me out, I’ve actually talked to online lawyers about this and there was never a statement in US Federal law about roleplaying with minors being wrong. The only thing that is bad is if your doing it with malicious intent or send real nudes. As for the age of consent, that is 16 and as far as I know you can legally have sex with anyone within 5 years apart from you as long as its not recorded at that age. So I would assume roleplay would be legal unless its recorded or screenshotted just the same. So yes although it might be risky there is almost a 100% gaurentee your not at risk unless you go bragging about it or the minors parents

Report you. And I don’t have parents, my birth parents abandoned me for a life of crime and my grandparents had custody over me since i was 2 years old. My grandparents know about my vore fetish and although they think its weird they are fine with it to some extent. I can assure you for a fact they won’t report you unless your asking me for literal nudes, which I’d never even give away. Secondly I wanted to bring up the fact I did NOT try to sneak into Cham’s server I was asking if somebody could vouch to let me in so at 18 my friend Andy (WHO KNOWS MY AGE) could vouch for me since he/you closed all invites because of people insulting male predators.

Nextly I want to say this, Chameleonette is not a bad person. They aren’t spreading lies about me on purpose they are only saying what they were told which was spread around by many people who hate me such as aljenserp, AlluringPredation, Reffles, Cloudrunnerteeny, and artists who think i charged back on purpose. Now I also want to bring up the accusations of blackmailing adults who roleplayed with me. This is false, the only adults i ever blackmailed where ones who knew my age and asked for nudes, or were ACTUAL MINORS pretending to be adults which i know for fact.

Now I will admit I exposed some of these friends as minors out of anger and lost friends for this. I regret this so i wont say which ones, But I blackmailed them about exposing their age for some fights in the past.

But I will also admit again I did some stupid shit in the past and I understand the hate I have but its been causing me lots of stress and Harassment on social media. Look cham, if you actually take the time to read this I’m sorry for everything ive done to you and the vore community but I want to say that the adults arent entirely innocent either. I caused these problems by lying about my age, joining ekas, ban evading, manipulating people, and buying art when I shouldnt have. All of it has come back to bite me in the ass. Combined with the stress from real life I couldn’t take things anymore and essentially ruined my life. As of now I dropped out of highschool because the stress was too much and couldn’t work anymore. Now I’m educationless and most likely won’t get a job. For those who are curious in one year and 29 days is when I will be 18. And if any of my friends whom dont know my age read this I want to say I’m sorry for lying. I strongly have issues and am really clingy to people I like so I end up lying to make friends. And i know many people are going to block me for this so in turn I will end up more stressed but its the most mature thing i could think to do. I would love it if nobody blocked me and we just talked like friends and save the vore stuff for when I’m 18, which I do with many of my friends already. As stated before the whole reason i joined ekas in the first place was to join a community i felt like i fit in with after getting depression from losing a friend i really cared about named anatoily

Many times in the past i used anatoily as an excuse for my actions but thats not what im doing. Anatoily if you see this i want to know im sorry for using your name as an excuse for my wrong actions. I originally joined Ekas for that purpose and used that as an excuse, on there i made many friends some of which i have even today. At one point i planned on leaving ekas but then I found somebody who reminded me of anatoily. I had an obsession with them and it led me to well ruin that friendship. Around this time i was exposed underage by Reffles on a minecraft server who had a incorectly dated birth date from a Enjin server about me claiming i was 14 when i was 15 which now i am 16 turning 17 and that link would display 15 turning 16. To explain this I want to say when I made this enjin account I mistyped the age and never bothered fixing it because I rarely used Enjin. I just used it to apply for minecraft admin positions.

I regret many of the things ive done and cant stress this enough that I’m sorry but in all honesty this is the true story of what happened with me and the vore community

In 2017 I joined ekas because my mind didn’t care about the consequences I was upset about anatoily, which isnt an excuse for my actions. I lied about my age and all was fine i was getting away with it. I met the person who reminded me of anatoily in February of 2018 whom helped me grow as an artist. I started working as a artist practicing for when I’m 18. When reffles found me out i was upset and was banned from ekas and the discord Work to Feed. I was upset for many reasons, one even being that i just got the first person ever to commission me and even today was never able to do the art or send it to them making me feel like a thief

So a lot of ban evading and ruined friendships later some problems happened with me and a friend named Aljenserp who like me was a minor. I was watching one of Silent_E’s streams and got banned because Tyrion13 recognized me. I betrayed Aljenserp like an asshole saying he was underage (i dont think he is underage anymore but he was at the time this happened) because he was a staff nobody believed me and i was banned from the stream and lost all trust aljenserp had in me. He became my enemy. Now after this a lot of people started hating me more and more, there was some drama on 8chan about me which i posted on being some idiot as i was younger and didnt know what i was doing.

This caused many people to not even feel any pity for me thinking i was stupid and deserved what i got. This was shortly before the problem happened with paypal. After that i was hated immensely more and many people startee saying some stupid rumors about me

One really dumb one was from the ekas user ExplosiveWaifu who has a Dragon OC named Lydia. Goes by DragonWaifu on discord. In one instance i was talking to Lydia about how one of my friends was a Maoist communist and his beliefs and how i support him because he is my friend. She believed because he had communist beliefs and i supported him that i was a terrorist and ceased all Communication with me for this. Another false rumor about me was spreaded by a friend of Explosivewaifu who i cant name as they are always changing their name. she is a trans woman, me and her used to talk a lot and whenever she got drunk she would well... be really irl lewd with me so i started calling her a pedophille (which is where the blackmail stuff ties in partially though i didnt blackmail her it was somebody else)

Many times this friend while sober would claim that i act to mature and that I couldnt be a minor, thus a rumor spread around that inwas a adult pretending to be a minor to get kicked out of the community for purposfully causing drama to make people think im a believable minor so i could easily prey on minors like a pedophille... honestly this is a really dumb rumor and dunno why it was believed by anybody at all

Next I want to talk about the ID theft accusations. Mettra Tonic gave me a health band from the hospital which in July of 2018 i tried to use as a ID to get me unbanned and it failed, this led to trust issues with Mettra who also spread false information about me which is mostly well known for the accusations of blackmail against her friends who were minors. There was another ID issue with a man named worthylightning and Kobayashi whom I tried to. Let them both help me get unbanned because friendship. It didnt work and i felt bad.

Lastly the only true case of ID theft is the one with reffles. Reffles gave somebody her ID who gave me the ID and I cropped out the age part of her ID and tried to use it. I since regret this action but i wouldnt concider the age part alone to be ID theft.

There was also accusations that I steal artwork which i dont own which is false. All artwork of Pumpkira is owned by me, either drawn by me, won in a raffle, requested, or given to me as a gift.

Moving on later in the year CloudRunnerTeeny doxxed me and made a group on discord called the Sumlur eradication squad where he blackmailed me and threatened to leak my info (which he did on christmas onto 8chan before it was taken down for breaking ToS) me and my friend tried to mislead him do he wouldnt Dox me and dox a fake person but this failed, made things worse infact. After that me and teeny came to a truce to leave eachother alone if i stay away from him and his friends. A promise I Semi-kept to today.

I already explained the whole issue with the art charged back, false rumors, and blackmail.

But I want to say this. Please stop sending information that is outdated or just speculation about me. Hear both sides of the story.

And yes when I turn 18 in 2021 I know I’ll still be hated and I have come to terms and accept that is my punishment for my mistakes. But please stop sending drama my way as I am very tempted to just delete all my social media at this point. Its gotten really stressful and I just cant...

Also Chammy again you aren’t a bad person i dont blame you for my hate as Its deserved. Although some of your claims were wrong or from your point of view, others were true and It is good you made a statement about me. But please tell people not to harass me and just block me. I’m going to make this post Private for a while before making it public. I want you to read this before it goes public on my Tumblr.

Lastly I heard you were feeling sick and hope you get better.

From artist to artist I have been improving my art and stories which like you one thing i hope for when im 18 is to be a successful artist or writer. Im already planning a large scale SFW webcomic as many people know. Though I feel like it is going to have a negative impact because Pumpkira is the protagonist and i gaurentee at least one person from the vore community would expost past me to everyone who reads future me’s work

Anyways thats all.

Update 2020: now 17

Update: 2021 now 18 as of January 30th 2021

[someguy1023]

Nobody’s gonna care about this, but maybe someone will

i think it’ll help convey why im so stuck on this, and why i seem to be focusing more on Holly and, according to messages i kept getting, “white knighting” for her. I’m not gonna justify Holly’s behavior. thats not what this is about. I just want this off my chest.

(im gonna regret this)

also, just to preemptively defend myself, i know how cheesy all this is gonna sound. But its the truth.

so. i guess i should preface this by explaining when I first heard about Holly. Maybe it’ll help this make sense in context. Maybe not. I don’t know but it doesnt hurt to try.

I didn’t actually learn about Holly through the internet like i assume most others did. I actually first found her through TV. More specifically, through that Heroes of Cosplay show SciFi has produced a few years back. I enjoyed it, but found myself mainly enjoying the work Holly and Jessica did while on the show. They were my favorite team, and I always tried to watch whenever they were in an episode. After a while though, I, like a lot of others apparently, got bored and moved on, and eventually forgot about Holly.

It was a few years later that I would find her again. This time, like many others, through Grumps. More specifically, through Ross and Steam Train. I was surprised when it turns out that one of my favorite members of GG was also married to one of my favorite people on HoC. Small world. I stayed a more casual fan, watching the occasional playthrough or crafting episode on her channel. I was more of a fan of GG and Ross, so I tended to watch more of his stuff than hers, but I still made sure to keep watching her stuff. It wasn’t anything major, she just made me smile.

A few years later, it meant something more to me.

In 2016, my father died. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a big deal for something like this. It was everything leading up to his death that was the problem. I always had a very “problematic” relationship with my father. He was abusive towards me when I was younger, lashing out at me for really minor problems. (for example, one time he had lifted me up in the air by my throat and began strangling me when I was ~6. Why? Because I had used some money our neighbor gave me for cleaning up his lawn to buy a popsicle from an ice cream truck, ate half of it, then put the other half in the fridge. He found it, got mad at me, and then began to yell at me. I had a nervous tic when I was younger where I giggled uncontrollably when I was scared. Sure enough, I began to giggle and could stop it, and then he, enraged, lifted me up. I realize years later he was probably drunk, considering he smelled really weird. It isnt a good memory.) He eventually left my mom and I when I was almost 7, moving down to Alabama with this lady he met in a bar, and proceeded to do pretty much every major drug imaginable. I didn’t see/hear from him again until a few years later at his mother’s funeral. He seemed remorseful for what he did to me, and a year or two later, moved in with his cousin back in the state I was living in at the time. I began visiting him when I was 13, and he seemed to be better. He apologized to me for what he did, he tried to be a good dad, and I believed him. That was my first mistake.

Flash forward to January 3rd, 2016. I was visiting him for the weekend after staying at my cousin’s, and was sorting through my things to make sure i didnt forget anything. We had visited one of his friends to get something he borrowed (according to him) then got back to his house. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I thought he fell asleep. I noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth he was going to light before he passed out, so I went over to put it aside. I figured out he wasn’t sleeping. It turns out, he was overdosing, and what I thought was snoring was his throat closed shut and the air escaping his lungs. He was dying. I told his wife (at the time) what what happening, she called 911, and I went upstairs to hide in my bedroom. A lil while later, the ambulance came by, and the paramedics gave him whatever that stuff is they give addicts who OD. (At the time, I didnt know what was going on. He had really bad lungs, and I thought they were shutting down or something. I was told it was from him overdosing later that night.) He woke up, and they drove him to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I went back to my moms house, and stayed there. That was the last time I saw him alive

As it turns out, my dad had been using me for over 2 or 3 years. He was not only stealing money from me under the pretense of helping him with driving for over an hour to pick up/drop me off from my moms place to visit, but had also been heavily manipulating me for years in order to control me. He had tried to turn me against my mother and her side of the family, claiming she had used me to verbally abuse and control him when they were married, telling me lies in order to keep me under his thumb. (like how she threatened to abort me if he didnt marry her after knocking her up, or how she had him steal from his sister during her wedding, etc.) I began to despise my mother, arguing with her constantly, and, on his insistence, never told her anything about what he was doing or what he told me. It wasnt until after that day that I learned it was all lies.

I was devastated. I felt hurt, used, and betrayed. (I realize now...its because I actually was.) I was a wreck. It didnt help that 4 months later...he died. Needless to say, it was a very, very tough grieving period. I locked myself away in my room, unable to summon the energy to even get up in the morning. I had suffered from mild depression prior to this, but it was much worse. I couldn’t find a way to get through this, suffering for months, and eventually, began to think about suicide.

Thats where Holly came back in.

Besided the playthroughs helping cheer me up a lil whenever I put them on, it was her advice that really began my path to healing. Her kind words and support to others began to help me sort through the baggage I had been dealing with about my dad. I began to follow her advice on how to deal with my depression, and began to slowly ull myself back from the edge, and, over time, began to pull myself back up. Eventually, with her help, I began to attend regular therapy sessions, and managed to fully come to terms with what my father had done to me, as well as properly manage both my depression and anxiety problems. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Holly. She helped keep me going when I really needed it. She, for lack of a better expression, helped save my life. I’ll always be grateful to her for that...despite all of this. Ever since then, whenever I felt my depression weighing me down, or felt my anxiety creep back up on me, I could rely on her to help keep me grounded.

When all this happened, I couldnt help but notice I felt the same way as I did all those years ago. Despite the fact that its just some random lady on the internet, and shouldnt have mattered as much as it did...it still hurt on a personal level. The worst part of this whole thing? I can’t go back to the thing that helped me out whenever I felt this way. Not without being reminded everywhere I go of how everyone thinks of her.

So...maybe thats why I’m doing all this. Not just to stop people from spreading hate and rumors based on speculation...but because part of me cant/doesnt want to believe one of the people I relied on and put trust in could be the bad guy. Because part of me just refuses to let go or lose someone who meant so much to me. Because part of me wants to believe that things will get better...even if I know they wont.

If you read through this, thank you. Maybe someone out there feels the same way I do. Maybe, if they dont, someone can understand. Its been a rough month for me. I just hope things will look up somehow. I dont know if I’m gonna come back to this. Im realizing it probably isnt healthy. The only thing I have left to say, then, if I dont come back; please, try to spread good. I know this is the internet, and even worse, tumblr...but i think people need some light nowadays. and constantly spreading hate and cruelty...that wont help anyone. I know nothing i say matters, that nothing i’ve done has changed any minds. but even if you cant trust Holly anymore, or dont believe anything she says...at least believe in one of her beliefs. That kindness is the greatest thing to spread to others, and the world can sure use a lot more of it.

Good night.

[candyclan]

My HONEST opinion of Kalvin Garrah

Kalvin talks about how the reaction videos he does are purely based off his opinions and they aren’t meant to actually hurt people. While I feel like yes, that may not be his intent, he takes information from what he thinks he knows about them from what they say and draws wrongful conclusions. He applies the logic “well if you were really trans, you’d do XYZ” which is honestly not okay. Just because he feels like “he’s protecting the trans community” doesn’t give him the right to invalidate people he’s never even seen or talked to irl. That being said, I do think he is correct that there are people who do not experience dysphoria and therefore do not have a legitimate reason to transition (physically) who do, and realize it’s a mistake (that’s why there’s detransition videos out there). This is tragic, and honestly, could very well reflect badly on our community because of how conservatives may take it.

Kalvin promotes the idea that seeing a psychologist is SO important before physically transitioning and altering your body in PERMANENT ways. He also promotes that before settling on “Yup I’m trans” you should rule out every other possible explanation for issues with your body: like body dysmorphia or an eating disorder etc. I feel as if he has contempt for people who are identifying as transgender and don’t actively try to alleviate their dysphoria. I agree with a lot of people who are fairly neutral on this topic that there isn’t a really clear cut defined definition of what dysphoria feels like other than “discomfort” toward gendered aspects of what you were assigned at birth. For Kalvin because his dysphoria is so strong, he uses it as an identifier of his trans identity and an UN-identifier for others. Just because he experiences an extreme does not mean every trans person experiences that extreme as well, and it could be a manageable discomfort, almost like a paper cut (while still uncomfortable, and totally legitimate) compared to a bullet wound in his case.

Because dysphoria is so subjective, it isn’t fair to label someone as a “transtrender” just entirely and solely on how someone looks on the outside. They may have a higher sense of self-esteem than Kalvin did because of how heavily his dysphoria affects him. This may mean that while they identify genuinely as being trans and probably do actually experience dysphoria (even minor) they choose their preferred gender expression over the idea of “passing”. I understand this because I actually have some really stereotypical “feminine clothes” that actually cause me dysphoria to wear but I wear them anyway cause fuck people. The reason I have such a soft heart towards him is because he and I have a shit ton of things in common and also I watched him cry on his YouTube channel. Legit sob. I see his human in all of this. I see his flawed thinking, and his less than perfect expectations of “gender presentation” as a reflection of his own internal monologue “well I can’t wear this because it makes me look girly”

While I have those thoughts too, a LOT, I never project them on to people the way he does in the videos he makes of the “transtrenders” <—- the reason I put this in quotes is because I hate that word (and he admits he hates it too) there should be a nicer way of politely saying you used to identify as trans or thought you were, but actually aren’t. “Transtrenders” has such a negative base to it because it implies the individuals gender identity is illegitimate and perhaps a phase. While I actually do think there are people who may be confused and do mistakenly identify as being transgender, we should never imply another person is this because that’s FUCKED UP. ESPECIALLY IF YOU DONT PERSONALLY KNOW THAT PERSON TO A HEAVY EXTENT. Claiming, like Kalvin does, to have the “criteria to know if someone else is trans” is fucking bullshit. He makes a good point about it being in our brains and there ARE actually studies that prove that is a legitimate thing, he pushes so hard for it to be seen as a mental health issue so “Real Trans People™️” can be provided healthcare. He has correlated it to a mental health issue, and while I personally think: “Idgaf what it’s called just let me have it covered through insurance.” The fact that you would never in a million years tell someone they aren’t depressed/have anxiety because their symptoms aren’t as bad as yours or they don’t experience it the same way, that’s literally what he’s doing to trans people AND IT is FUCKED.

All of that aside, I didn’t know what being a transmed really was until I saw his videos. I didn’t have any real idea how little sense it made that if you don’t have dysphoria...how can you be trans? I hate how there’s such a stigma on the internet about how dysphoria is rooted in EXTREME MEGA DISCOMFORT when in reality, I can safely say in complete confidence that I didn’t have that huge issue like he did. I have top dysphoria but not so much bottom (unless I’m on shark week and then wellllll....death 0.0) ITS okay to not “hate” what you were given, and be in a better mind space about it than other people because WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT and experience dysphoria in different ways and we are all valid as fuck. I feel as if because so many people can experience body dysphoria and social dysphoria in so many ways literally in as many ways as there are people, in order for it to be considered a mental health issue and be covered by insurance there’s this push to try to come up with what dysphoria ISNT instead of the variety of experiences that is gender dysphoria.

So, in general, my thing is, only the individual can really tell (just like in depression and anxiety) whether or not they’re dysphoric based off their own feelings they have toward their AGAB and how it affects them. It’s almost as if he’s just like every other asshole out there that thinks their opinion matters because they’ve gone through SO MANY STEPS to be trans. His transtrender videos really are demonetized, and he claims to not do it for clickbait or shock factor to get people to watch it and that it’s his raw, unfiltered opinion about an issue he actually genuinely does care about a lot. I personally think the videos need to be taken down because it makes him look so much worse than he really is, and honestly what if the person that he’s talking about in those videos actually was trans and they killed themselves because of the hate his supporters dished. Showing their channel and saying that they don’t have dysphoria (in Kalvin’s eyes) labels them a target to abuse from the people that support Kalvin, whether or not that is his intent. I understand why this could upset someone. This upsets me. I feel a personal connection to someone that is using legitimate facts and points to validate his conclusion that some are worthy (that fit his personal idea of what being trans is) and some aren’t (those that don’t) this being said: That is not all that he is, I promise you. I believe “transtrender” is a thing dear god I’m highly uncomfortable with that word but there isn’t another one to use. I would never LABEL someone a transtrender under any circumstances because to do so would be honestly disrespectful to that persons identity and honestly denying their right to explore who they are. So what if you think you’re trans and then realize later that you weren’t??? As long as you didn’t medically transition, you literally didn’t do anything but explore who you are. It is never okay in my mind to label someone as that, especially if you don’t personally believe in how the person chooses to identify because like I said there’s as many ways to experience dysphoria and a disconnect towards your AGAB as there are people. It comes in different severities and different people prioritize change towards specific parts moreso than others.

That being said if you know you are 1000000% comfortable with your assigned gender at birth (not just learned to tolerate certain things/choose to accept the hand you’re dealt or live with it like me and my vag- how some trans people can), why would identify as being transgender? It’s when this “choice to go with the hand your dealt thing” really gets to Kalvin because he can’t imagine is transition being without the whole kitten kaboodle. Is perception of his gender honestly is a huge reason he can’t see why non-binary AFAB people could ever learn to embrace/tolerate certain aspects of their body. I don’t think he fully understands that binary gender roles that may moreso apply to TRANSGUYS don’t apply to non-binary people.

Non-binary people literally do not identify with one gender binary over another, so Kalvin has a hard time understanding them. It is important to note however, he still respects people even if he doesn’t understand. If he didn’t respect non-binary people as a whole, he would be preaching about how “non-binary isn’t even a thing” because he tends to NEED to think in logical terms with facts and data like the similar brain thing (mtf brains=more like cis female ftm=more like cis males) it becomes hard for him to understand the struggles of non-binary people. Non-binary people don’t fit his “mold” so to speak. Perhaps it’s because he once was a “non-binary SJW” in the past and then pulled a 180 and turned into this literal person that tells other people they aren’t trans even though he’s never met them irl and knows next to nothing about them. It’s funny how he claims that detransitioners turn into TERFS when his transition, which was supposed to help his mental state (perhaps it did idk), had him go from non-binary to low key for all intents and purposes a gatekeeper. He from his perspective claims to know it all because he’s trans. Consider this analogy: being transgender is like trauma. People can be united in that they suffer from it or that it affects them, but everyone’s situation is unique amongst all others so everyone has different “triggers”. I’m sorry if this analogy offended you it’s just I was trying to make sense of it the best I could in my mind

@kalvingarrah

[valerepoet]

That reblog's got me thinking. I work with The Kid, who's 18. Like, he is a kid to me. And he's had such a rough fucking life man i really feel a lot of compassion and respect for him. Despite the shit he's been through, he still holds onto a sensitivity towards others and i'm so proud of him.

He was in the foster care system for a good portion of his life, and what little he has told me, his time with his actual parents was worse. He's very crass and doesn't understand certain boundaries and signals very well - but he's sooo open to learning. He's got an edge to him that is very offputting to most people. I understand his intention, becaude lo and behold, i have too much experience with crass and difficult people. I can see in him that he's just plain old not understanding how he is coming across, because he would otherwise not to be that way. As soon as he realizes that he's hurt someone's feelings or made someone uncomfortable, he apologizes and acknowledges that he now understands what he said was wrong. He's sensitive to other people. Sometimes, despite some of his lack of social understanding, too much so. I think he may have learned quick that if he didnt want to get hurt he should apologize and deprecate himself as quickly as possible. Almost contradictory, but i find that trauma tends to inspire such a nature in people.

There's a lot of things about him that im starting to understand.

Ultimately he is a good kid and he does mean well. He does seem genuine and he can be very sweet. He's open minded and he pays attention when he's learning a new social cue, especially about boundaries. He's 18, so he's right at the age where i, and several other mentally fucked up people i knew, really started to understand the concept of boundaries. So i understand a bit what his processes are. I hope so at least. He's a young adult, formally acknowledged as a legal adult in some ways, and its a very, very formative time, mentally. Its a huge period of transition for him, of course. So boundaries very quickly become an important thing your brain realizes it needs to fully understand.

I remember how i was. I made a few minor mistakes and i learned from them, did research and actively pursued an understanding in boundaries. Its something i still struggle with due to my issue with understanding implicit cues. And ite still something i put work into, so its not an experience that is just in my past and im now disconnected with. Some of the way i react and learn, i can see in The Kid. So i think i can understand him a bit.

He's very smart. Obviously, he doesnt think so. Its a shame, cause he's very perceptive, even with his struggle with social cues. He's also not used to someone expressing genuine appreciation, interest, and pride in him and his well being. And that hurts my heart. While i was training him, i made sure to vocalize that i was indeed proud of him and how he was doing and he was soo uncomfortable with that at first. He just wasn't used to it at all, it seemed. I did feel like it was an important thing to stick to, cause he deserved to be shown that sorta respect and acknowledgement. He's definitely acclimated to it and he feels comfortable enough to come to me with his concerns about work.

And sometimes i just want to smother him in hugs, the way i do for my brother. My brother lived with my dad for several years, and had almost no physical contact with him during that time. Once he moved back in with us, he struggled to acclimate back to the constant physical affection that me, my mom and my sister show. After all these years now though, my brother cant get enough of it. So my brother will just lay in his bed, upset at something and i just get the terrible urge to lay on him and give him a bear hug, which i then proceed to do. I really dont feel that urge for anyone else. Im otherwise not fond of touching people outside of my family.

But i just want to give The Kid i work with all these bear hugs and goddammit i just wanna make sure he's okay. But i obviously dont, cause Boundaries are important, and its probably not something he could cope with right now. But its made me realize that he's really made an impression on me and i just want to show him that there are some people willing to be there for him.

He struggles with understanding boundaries, but he has his own very hardset boundaries, and i can recognize it in his physical expression. And im proud of him. He isnt aggressive, but he is sure in his boundaries and i am so damn proud of him for that.

So, im respecting his boundaries and he's slowly letting me in. He's comfortable with back pats now and im glad he trusts me thet much.

----

Time break up above. Holy shit. The Kid was closing tonight, and he called me multiple times and his last call he sounded frantic it was obvious he needed help. So, without telling him, i booked my ass to the store and i calmed him down and helped him close the store. Im so fucking sore and tired, but im glad he's okay. He is so hard on himself goddamit. When he starts talking about the shit he missed and how much trouble he'll be in, he wont listen to anyone trying to tell him to stop and that its okay. He just gets scared of getting in trouble.

Kid has had a rough life man. And man, im sorry he's had that.

He expressed gratitude this time when i helped him. Before, he expressed embarrasment and disappointment in himself, but this time he didnt. He told me 'thank you' with a pretty relieved smile. Im glad he trusts me enough to express that.

My mom teases me that im practically trying to adopt him as my little brother, and i am amused by it, but also somewhat uneasy. I have issues. Serious issues. I'm self aware of what my mental issues consist of, but i still struggle with being aware of how to catch when it is happening. I really dont think im the best role model, or the best person to give literally anyone on this earth any level of stability. I can barely take care of myself. So im uneasy with how my compassion for The Kid is becoming.

He's really touched my heart to be honest, and i hope, from the bottom of my heart, that things get better for him and he starts to experience and maintain stability.

But i know from past experience, that im the Wrong Person to come to for that. I can be a good co-worker, that is an absolute certainty. Beyond that? I honestly cant trust myself. But i just want the best for the kid, and i do want to help him and develop a positive friendship with him. I just am not sure how much i can do really. I worry about that. My mental functionality is pretty much fucked in a lot of ways and getting worse overtime, when it comes to taking care of myself.

Maybe im overthinking it. I probably am. But i have a hard time not doing so, with all my past experiences with people. Im unfortunately one of those people who used to give all of themselves to take care of others mental state. And it really, really fucked me up. I cant say im nice anymore. I dont make deep friendships anymore because i know how ive been in every past one. I give too much of myself. And it becomes a mess.

I dont think the Kid is one to take advantage of people. I think he may be similar to me in that aspect, to be honest, but im not sure. Idk, this Kid has just really, really made an impression on me and i genuinely want the best for him. I just worry about being a bad role model and being unable to moderate my issues enough. This kid is going through so much and i dont want to be an added messy figure in his life.

Its hard caring about other people.

Sorry about the long rambly post, i just have a lot of thoughts and feelings. Im not used to someone making such a quick impression on me.

[celestialallstars]

Episode #9: “Beggars can't be choosers and I'm already on my knees” - Jack

Ok well never mind Drew just got booted which NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT??? Like if Matt had gone it'd have been one thing because I would've heard at least the name of the person who actually went, people might've been honest for once. But noooooooo let's create this Drew concoction and once again leave Jack out of a vote! I mean, would I have voted Drew out? I don't know, probably not. But still it's the principle. Was I kept safe? Yes, but another ally and former Cyrena left. My numbers keep dwindling and I am scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

So this round I want Mitch gone. I don't trust him too much, as I know he isn't as close to Bryce as I am. Which scares me cause Bryce is my ally right now. I know me and Mitch are in this 8 person alliance, but that shit means NOTHING to me. As I never said i wanted to be in it. So Ya FUCK THAT. Time for me to push mitch this round.

Drew is out but I decided to be honest about it with Michael. Ill talk with Chloe today and try and do some chatting with Jack too but beside that I usve hope for a few tribals wooo! Or maybe its time to die, we'll see ha

I’m already over this game and it’s final fucking 12. I shouldn’t have played I should’ve just hosted this is all my worst orgs on fucking steroids because everyone’s too busy fetishizing this anti-Cyrena agenda. I don’t care if it’s not a thing, there’s no reason to target Matt and I and leave us out of votes when we have 0 agency and are literally 2 votes up for grabs. But nobody gives a flying fuck about logical gameplay and like fine, be a moron, and have fun getting blindsided at 9th when all the easy votes are gone and you were too busy standing around with your dick in your hand to put yourself in a better position. Fuck this season and fuck this cast

Today's to do list:

Call Jared Yell at Jared Tell Jared he's not beating his Wakea placement Hang up Win immunity Cry myself to sleep

________________________________________________________________

"yikes, you’ve been shot!" is a common theme for me this season

Watching the immunity was pretty telling I'd say, as random as it was. Having it said, it's been down to Loris, Zach, and Bryce for hours now. THE smart thing is to give Bryce immunity and up his threat level, but alas we gotta get a  show out of it lol.

So uh.... forget everything I said about Jared I guess because he wants to work with me? Lmao. Idk man like, can I really trust anyone besides Michael and Matt at this point? Not really, but Jared is the ONLY other person to legitimately give me a lifeline here (I don't count Mitch/Chris or any of the BS Zach/Bryce are giving me) so I have to take it, find some footing, figure out if I can actually get through this early merge here. I'm keeping my head down unlike my past games and I'm letting the game come to me. Beggars can't be choosers and I'm already on my knees

I FOUND AN IDOL!! I cant say I thought this would happen but I am so happy that it did! I just hope I can do right by this immunity idol! I got help out of Stephen so I am just so thankful for that!!

________________________________________________________________

So I have this feeling things are not going to go the way I wish so. Rhys is gathering troops to get Mitch out and he's already gone to Bryce who told me and Zach, and Jared. How does he have numbers? BECAUSE HE HAS FLIPPED. We might as well should've had Kori in the chats because both have said the same thing as far as contributions go

________________________________________________________________

Now I am in a pickle, not knowing if Jared/Bryce/Zach all want to flip after they wnet on a call together. Its a little concerning not gonna lie. What makes this worse is that like we are putting ourselves in a position where we HAVE to do play certain way. I dont want to be 6-5 I want to have cushion and Rhys is doing exactly what I figured he would be doing just early. I need to figure out exactly how willing the others are for this before its too late

So last tribal was a little bit of a rough one and the day after wasn’t too great either I just felt drained the entire day but I didn’t sign up for all stars to lose after being blindsided I came to win and I need to do whatever I can to get that fighting spirit back. I’m not out of this yet and hopefully the relationships I’ve built plus the killshot results mean that we can get a nice little blindside going.

What’s the German word for when people ask you if you’ve heard anything about the vote knowing full well you haven’t been privy to any information all merge?

________________________________________________________________

Bryce telling me Mitch’s name??? 8.5 hours before tribal??? You really do love to see it. Michael told me Jared told him Mitch as well, so I’ll probably hear from Jared soon. This is beautiful stuff I could give less of a fuck about Mitch going. Everything’s coming up Millhouse!

These bitches are conspiring against me.

So, Rhys has been feeling antsy and decided he wants to flip on our 8. Tbh it's probably a smart move for him since he's the least incorporated of the 8 and would likely get 8th if my understanding of the situation is anything to go by. Soooo I can't exactly blame him, but, that's not all.

Bryce is ALSO wanting to flip. It seems so early for a well-connected member of the alliance to want to do something like that, so I imagine it's because he wants to play the middle between this group and the 4 outside of it. Rhys and Bryce may have leaked the alliance already, and, if they did that, then they also probably leaked how everyone was pretending Matt was the target at the last vote.

This group seems to be planning to vote Mitch out tonight, which isssssss bad. Very bad. Especially bad for me since he is one of my closest allies.

Chris found an idol, though, and I'm really hoping we can save it for late-game. There's still a chance this vote can turn around though. That's what I'm hoping for.

IM BEING DUMB IDK WHAT TO DO UGH I WANT MITCH OUT HTIS ISNT SMART THIS ISNT LIKE ITS NOT I KNOW THAT BUT IM DOING IT ANYWAY THIS IS A MISTAKE I KNOW IT IS JFAKDHK BUT IDK HOW TO PLAY THIS GAME BC I THINK PPL SAY IM A THREAT AND I CAN ONLY PLAY UTR SNAKE NOT THIS WHOLE KUMBAYAH THING PPL GOT GOING ON

hi. so . after I almost win immunity after it was given to bryce when hes  already won immunity in another social challenge, now bryce  wants to vote mitch because ‘he Doesn’t like him’. I don’t know who the votes going to be and I rlly like Mitch so like I’m gonna pray and try to make sure it’s not him :( Fuck bryce

Okay... so. This round has been quite a lot, and I am going to try to explain it piece by piece because I have probably played more game in this round than I have the rest of the game combined.

Rhys told me that he wants to flip, and then Bryce told me that Zach also wants to flip (along with himself) against Mitch. I did not want to deal so I went to sleep.

I called Zach the same night and tried to gauge how much trust he has in me by admitting that Rhys wants to flip, and seeing how he would react towards me. He played very coy which is very... Zach.

Bryce told me that he went to Chris about flipping and that Chris shut it down, so I quickly went and leaked to Chris and showed my disinterest in flipping. I made a plan to call Zach and Bryce and try to convince them that this was the wrong move. (Keep in mind this was all the same night, after the immunity results.) I thought I made up some ground and pointed them in the direction of targeting Michael, but I would soon realize that they were just placating me. The call ended with Zach saying that he wanted to get Stephen's thoughts in the morning.

Come the morning, I hatch this crackhead plan to get Mitch the merge idol. According to Stephen from the night before, we were only 11 steps away from the end of the bridge. At 9 AM Bryce quickly searches and says "IT APPEARS WHATEVER WAS ONCE HERE IS GONE AHHH" (I was using my 3 person alliance to get myself or Bryce the idol, not knowing that I would regret doing that.) Being that Bryce said the exact line as if something were missing, I thought there were a couple possible scenarios: 1. He straight up lied. 2. Stephen actually got to the end of the bridge the night before. 3. The night before after everyone had guessed, Bryce took the numbers to a 3rd party (Zach) so they could get the idol.

So that plan was dead. I then considered, "what if I give Mitch my idol?" I quickly realized I would probably regret that in a few rounds.

I spent the rest of today formulating a plan to position myself in everyone's good graces no matter what the outcome of the vote is. I told Rhys I would help him recruit the minority to vote Mitch. I messaged all of them about the vote, and then I came clean with Chloe on call saying that "even though the vote is Mitch, we should be aware that it aligns with Bryce and Zach's agenda and they threw your name." I then communicated to Chris, Loris, and Stephen what Rhys said and my distaste for flipping.

You may wonder where the sudden distrust for Bryce came from. Well, Chris told me that Loris said "Bryce had this planned before immunity (voting for Mitch)." I'm thinking Bryce probably just used me to get to Zach but still wants us to be the F3. My interests don't seem to be aligning with theirs.

With that being said I will likely be voting for Mitch tonight. RIP to the brodie, you deserved better. I will try my best to put off using my challenge advantage and my idol for as long as possible, and I will be trying to play both sides between the Zach/Bryce duo and Chris.

So I’m finally in danger of going (love that). I’m praying someone doesn’t have an idol because I feel like the rehidden one has been found. It’s between me and matt but if I stay which I think is likely, I have to do a better job communicating. I think that’s what got me in this position in the first place. If this is my last confessional I really hope jared Stephen or Chris wins. They are all playing solid games and I will be cheering them on from the sideline

jared thinks hes so funny calling zach but not me like. all i demand from allies is complete loyalty and that they talk to no one else. is that asking too much???

________________________________________________________________

Mitch is voted out 6-5-1. He becomes the 1st member of our jury!

Watch his exit interview below:

[thecameldances-blog]

Why Katlyn Nicole Davis "Suicide" with forced variables Is the saddest moment in U.S. History? This country has came a long way from when it was founded from its 13 colonies to its great 50 states and in only 2 centuries and a half to not only become a superpower but the number one superpower compared to other superpowers being older than a millennium. As I look back the reason why is George Washington's vision for America was the greatest thing to happen to human civilization since the Renaissance because now people were open to express themselves and share ideas and issues human had together George washington said why the hell now that man is civilized do we have to listen to this King who just takes our daily breads and sends his Dukes who basically can pillage or rape any woman they chose so after 250 years of being here and every human on earth dreams of everyday where rights are not granted but are guranteed and the little voicet is always heard whether it be a minority group or a single human being there voice is heard and this is the reason U.S. has became what it is today. Ok over this time this country hasnt been perfect us as human beings always make mistakes whether siding with the wrong country or abusing power over their own citizens due to economic panic and stress. This country went to war 20 years after it was founded due to not renewing a bank contract but came out with minor damages but still stride on.U.S. learned that although the Bank plays a major role in the economy they must be kept an eye on due to some of the bankers will choose greed of dignity  Then there was the Mexican American war where General Zachary Taylor freed Mexicans from tyranny people oppose this today but they didnt know that the Mexicans living in California through Utah were begging U.S. to aide then for decades on end to help them from unjust treatment and General Zachary Taylor decided it was finally time becsuse he couldnt bear another cry for help from them. U.s. learned from this that people living under tyranny are in need of aide just as much as the american citizen. Civil war where hundreds of thousands were killed but still this country survived also realizing all races deserve George Washington's vision for america. See man just became civilized 15000 years ago and its a learning process but if man isnt expose to the issues then he wont even bother thinking their issues to begin with. Then there was world war 1 which u.s. fought someone elses war and lost hundreds of thousands lives but u.s. realized that me and my brother will fight the opressing forces but if our cousins are being opressed is just as bad as if we are.  Then came the great depression when business took greed over self dignity and caused havoc on the economy u.s. learned we were just transcending from Colonials days 100 years prior and it wasnt about going out in the wild to hunt or gather wood it was the start of the modern world then world war 2 and korean and vietnam and Iraq wars which U.S. has fought and one I always admired about U.S. Wartime Generals they always proved that they actually took Self dignity over greed especially my favorite General in history General Mcarthur because his love for this country the way he went about the war and the fact he had a chance to ransack Japan for Billions if he wanted when they surrendered but he took Dignity of Self greed and honored the true American tradition and what it meant to him if that wasnt the case thrn General Mcarthur grandson wouldve still been the Emperor of Japan. All these wars hundreds of thousands of lives were lost as General Swharkopf put it 1 life loss is 1 to many and not to mention each life loss strikes tragedy in their families and burdens on their communities.  Then came 9/11 which effect every American but aftwerwards the United States reformed its U.S. Policy and reminded us that we are not invincible although we are strong willed. So why is it that Katlyn Nicole Davis tops all these as the saddest moment in U.S. History. The first is the story itself a 12 year old American girl commits suicide that alone will strike at any mans heart.:( Then everyone wants to know why Katlyn why did she do it. The media states she did it because her moma was a child abuser thats why she did it:(:(  before any real investigation could be inducted the news and media were coming out with stories on how the family had problems at home amd her being abused at home was a key factor to her suicide and she wasnt healthy. Katlyn for a 12 year appeared alright to me Her mom. Fed her clothed her and held her in her stomach for 9 months to my judgement katlyns mon took care if her dsughter better than most out there. Then bloggers all over the internet added insult to injury stating she did it because her moma was a child abuser and a whore.:(:(:(  The fact no one really takes bloggers as credible source but it wasnt just one it was a lot of them pointing at her mom saying it was because she was a whore. then add in the fact it was all recorded with her applogizing to god for her selfishness and even worst when she said i just dont deserve this I dont deserve to live immediately whrn i heard her say This i said aloud then none of us do Katlyn and after she commited suicide 10 minutes in you hear her moma in panic stricken voice yelling for her daughter to come home calling all her friends all in the background sound  and also the one that felt like my heart just was hit when Katlyns 5 year old brother AJ was heard  yelling for Ms. Katlyn to come home while her lifeless body was hanging from that tree. All you here is a little boys voice yelling KAaaTTLYYYYN See Katlyn was a victim of internet stalking and voice 2 skull which caused her to commit suicide it wasnt her moma. In between her saying Im sorry Everyone Im sorry everyone. You can hear a ssssss sound now in slow motion you can hear the elf noise of a older woman saying Soorrrey what i think happened is the fact you need 2 things for v2k to work elf wave sound and white noise. The elf wave is 1 to 40 and the white noise is the background noise which is important for the elf wave to catch onto the the white noise can be anything from car engine to fan or thunder or wind.but if the wave doesnt catch onto the white noise properly the wave sound will be louder than the white noise and thats what happened with the sorrrrey part in her video. She was a 10th generation 12 year old American girl needless to say she shouldve been on the U.S. top priority for defense. Again she was a 10th generation 12 year old american girl wouldn't you think that is what every u.s. citizen considers must be top of the defense list and with 52% of the u.s. budget spent on defense every year it should be a gurantee Katlyn would live her entire life forced suicide or not forced with 52% spent on defense their is plenty of money to protect her civil rights yet no one says a word on this and they ruled a 12 year old girl commited suicide due to negligence at home. Now put yourself in her moma shoes now I mean Katlyn looked healthy to me her moma took care of her but your daughter just commited suicide and everyone in the nation calling you a whore and a child abuser.This is the turning point of the United States downfall I gurantee it this is the moment I can really say after 250 years standing strong this country is going to shits. Katlyn Nicole Davis 10th generation 12 year old american girl your definition of Innocent and your definition of American pie taken advantage of by people with to much control and technology and no one seems to care.I shall mourn you until I die Katlyn you become my Virgin Mary of Phycological Warfare I will never forget you I promise in due time I will go to your hometown 20 miles west of Atlanta (Cedartown) find your moma and say my condolences for your daughter you were a good mom you took care of her may i put these flowers under her tree in the backyard and if she lets me i will go back their look up at that tree and say this Katlyn Nicole Davis O' Great blessed Virgin Mother of God protect me from my demons forgive those who have sinned Attract health abundance love and prosperity O' great blessed Virgin Amen put the flowers under your tree and leave Now I aint no christian or anything but thats what Katlyn believed in and I respect that all in thanks to George Washingtons vision for America. Maybe it started out in the Colonial days fueds between the Protestants and the Quakers but the his concept is the most beautiful concept now this is a fact every man for himself its a dog eat dog world out there and this country has a tendency to turn the other cheeck but i said to my self if you get played for your money or your honey then like Thomas Edison said quote "Its American Humor" needless to say some people go to far but on the end the its mostly the fools fault but that one piece paper brought man to common sense is George Washingtons Vision for America which is the Checks and balance that has been bestowed in the hearts of Men since 1776. Ok he just lost his house and his wife but in respect to the constitution let him attain his self pride and whatever self esteem he has left not in his namesake I aint worried about him but the in giving props to George Washington. See Colin Kapernick is a idiot not standing for pledge of allegiance no one cares Kapernick your a atheist a Quaker its not for that purpose in the nation of freedom of religion you can pray to anything you want but the pledge of allegiance is not about giving respect to god although god in my eyes is most important but pledge of allegiance is about giving props to George Washington for the greatest idea since the renaissance.To mankind: Katlyn Nicole Davis (Itzdolly) I never met you and oddly enough were exact opposite in the demographic scale of every demographic scale living on opposites  sides of the united states but I mourn your death everyday I miss you everyday and I love you I truly believe George Washington hung himself with Katlyn Nicole Davis This poor girls rights were completely violated and after it all no justice was served and injustice was added to the victims family:(:(:(:(:(  RIP Itzdolly Ms. Katlyn Nicole Davis the saddest moment in American history its not just her stalkers fault but its also my fault and and all 350 000 0000 Americans in this country Katlyns blood is on all our hands and we will all be punished from our greater power for this. It is if like everything Benjamin Franklin George Washington Andrew Jackson worked so hard for and stride on for 250 year of trial and error went down the drain sfter what had happen to Katlyn Nicole Davis, Why my dad struggled so hard in Fall of 1969 to get over with only $10 in his pocket. He had that immigrant hope of a better future for him and his family only deemed possible in the United States. My father who worked for Union Pacific for 23 years fathered 6 children and will add to the American roots. My name is Mohamed Saleh and I am a 2nd generation Arab American from California. I know the world is not perfect and Man struggles to survive everyday but the fact Katlyn had double coverage and yet she was taken advantage of the fact she was protected by the Constitution and the Unwritten rule in the hearts of men should've guaranteed her to live her life. I have 2 sons now and I hope 10 generations down the road I have a grand daughter here in United States that will have the free spirit and love that Katlyn Nicole Davis had. Katlyn Nicole Davis was a 10th generation 12 year old American girl your definition of innocent your definition of American pie. R.I.P. Itzdolly Feb. 20th 2006-Dec.30th 2016 Mohamed Asker Saleh