#i quit real hard a couple months ago tho bc it started Really getting into my brain lmao

[keeps-ache]

sigh. alright

[tiffgeorgina]

alright trailer thoughts

watch it here slutties: https://twitter.com/SHOBlackMonday/status/1216778009044291585

1) HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT’S HERE THIS FEELS SURREAL

2) HOLYYY SHITTTT

3) but actually let’s get it. this song bangs showtime stays on their excellent editing.

4) trying to analyze showtime’s trailers is like trying to grab smoke so this is going to be extremely barebones for a while. 

5) somebody drives off with the busted up limbo, but we can’t tell who it is yet bc their face never comes into view. they’re wearing a gray suit tho, so it may become more obvious who it is once the episode itself is out.

6) mo is being dramatic asf which as of 1x10 is perfectly in character lmfao

7) bro what the FUCK did you do to your hair i gotta ask fuck the 80s. also there’s this character on IMDb tagged “Vanessa (hair like mo)” so that makes more sense now maybe?

8) establishing shots that almost make me think mo is hiding out in california. since we know his orphanage story is bullshit, maybe he’s visiting family? maybe this is where that marcus wainright iii character comes in? since i dont think he’s in the trailer?

9) keith is living. almost has out-of-the-closet energy. i bet that scene of him roller skating is either after a) he comes out to his wife and divorces her or b) he gets a call from mo and flies straight out to cali to meet up with him.

10) the editing is so good you guys holy shit they jsut never quit over there do they?

11) a shot of mo in some suburb. could be a family member or a friend’s house? which again leads me to think he’s in california.

12) there’s this TV show called “America’s Most Unsolved Crimes” that mo shows up on bc he’s being solely blamed for the crash. how dawn and blair managed to avoid any blame whatsoever is beyond me, but mo is an excellent scapegoat since he confessed on record. no idea who the guy sitting on the desk talking about him is tho, since he wasn’t announced as one of the new guest stars. probably just a one off. maybe this is where “reenactment dawn” comes in from the IMDb page?

13) mo is bringing back the 70s and i do not like it. when i said the 80s were cool bc nobody knew how to dress themselves This Is Not What I Meant.

14) he wouldn’t just casually play basketball with some random kids, these are probably either his cousins or his nephews or the kids of a friend. again leads me to believe he’s in california, possibly visiting marcus? it would make sense. either that or we finally get some real concrete background on mo that isn’t total bullshit.

15) keith is in contact with mo. it’s hard to tell if keith went to cali to see mo or if mo came to NY seeing as both are extremely suspicious. assuming mo is in cali that is. keith is definitely going to get mo back in the game. speaking of mo, this entire first 30 seconds is Mo-centric, so i bet mo’s arc is going to be plottier than blair or dawn’s in 1“A” (showtime doesn’t really have A and B arcs for this show bc there’s no midseason hiatus i just like the terminology)

16) throwback thursday lmfao

17) no idea who this guy shooting/probably fake shooting is?? like no idea. could be nothing of importance and just a transition filler/tone setting moment.

18) the heat is on motherfucker! let’s get this cat and mouse shit im ready for it!

19) here we go here’s dawn. back at the jammer group. back at DAWN AS THE PRESIDENT HIRING A BUNCH OF WOMEN???????? BIIIIIITTTTCCCCHHHH I LOVE TO SEE IT. INCLUDING DEANNA CHENG (she’s friends with casey which means she’s friends with half the cast we should’ve known she wasn’t going anywhere) AKA THE SALES CLERK WHO HARASSED DAWN IN 1X02????? YES BITHC

20) then wayne and yassir fucking it up (nice facial hair wayne it’s hideous kjsfkjdhg) and the women throwing paper at him??? LKJRHGKLJSERH????

21) blair and tiff dressed up??? guys. they’re going to some rich people gala thing. this is what i was talkinf about. im almost certain this is how blair and harris meet. their wives are gonna see each other after not having spoken in years bc of whatever but they used to be friends so they go to talk and the husbands and dragged along and *closet case to closet case communication sounds*

22) ok now BLAIR’S on the exercise craze? i thought that was just gonna be dawn like in s1 also how long is this exercise montage in the show bc there are some things a god fearing lesbian shouldn’t have to see. this weird mirror talking shit feels like voyeurism from this perspective i feel like i shouldn’t be seeing this.

23) she’s still topping him??? after all that??? aight yk it’s part of the dynamic

24) tiff is wearing the same dress in “you do, hunk” as she is in the bit where they get out of the limo and deal with the paparazzi so i presume that workout scene is immediately before that gala thing im establishing a #timeline

25) the skants reveal??? we call that PLOT DEVELOPMENT i love a good callback to the first season

26) the shocked gasp i can’t tell if it’s good or bad. also does this mean tiff’s starting her own company? since georgina is liquid?

27) larry telling dawn that mo’s on his way back for revenge? spliced with mo staring at the wall like he so frequently does while smoking? mayhaps this editing went off also i never thought i’d say this but the brotherfucker has a point mo is gonna pop off when he sees yall again

28) FBI wyd........ that’s a lot

29) that falling out last season bit: blair’s definitely talking about tiff’s parents, and im almost certain andrew flubbed right there and improvised over it by saying “autumn.” well im appreciative of that bc a) it’s funny and b) it indicates when this is going on a bit. it’s not like we’re two years in the future or anything. this is probably gonna start a couple of months after the crash and that’s it.

30) no idea who blair is talking to tho since i can’t see the woman’s face. could be one of tiff’s friends? idk. also nice hair tiff

31) that ball spinning around like a gumball in a machine? weird transition but aight. also immediately after, dawn is in the lehman office, again no idea why. probably the same scene as larry telling her that mo is plotting his revenge but idk why she’s there.

32) that shot of a plane coming into JFK? now im near certain that mo is in cali it would make so much sense please showtime just MAKE SENSE. 

33) confetti and mo’s entrance? you know what it’s what i should’ve expected tbh it’s all so delightfully in character EDIT: THE CONFETTI IS NOT BEFORE MO’S ENTRANCE. YOU CAN SEE DAWN’S CLOTHES CHANGE COLOR, IT WAS JUST AN EDITING TRICK.

34) mo’s just gonna pull up, zero fucks, in the middle of the day. much different than how i thought this scene would go, with a lot of betrayal and drama involved instead of this bitch just pulling up. now idek if dawn and mo are in contact before this, when before i was almost certain they would be.

35) what blair says here is definitely not the first thing he says when mo walks in, i can tell from the editing. also im near certain that blair doesn’t say “bro.” it sounds edited in/done in post (his voice pitches up a lot there when that’s usually a beat when your voice would fall), so i wouldn’t be surprised if blair curses a lot there and they just had to edit it to stay in the green band. 

36) ol polluted waterfall lookin ass jshgkjfdhg mo quit lying that hairstyle is not popular fuck off

37) im loving this tagging order tbh. paul scheer getting tagged in the trailer is just. what he deserves. do we consider keith a protagonist now? he’s in all the promo material by name and face now.

38) regina and andrew look so good god yes also the editing is so GOOD fuck

39) keith (hand holding emoji) blair

        getting hit by random vehicles

40) NO THE LIMBO FUCK SHIT THESE CARS WERE NOT MEANT TO LAST almost looks deliberate :eyes emoji:

41) what’s keith doing with this barbershop quartet wtf

42) almost certain that’s tiff singing? based on 1x09 this oughta be good lmao

43) THE HEEL CLICKING IS TAKING ME OUT HGKJDHFGKJFD. could this be mo and marcus? who knows?

44) look at all the cash wtf what’s all that cash for? ah shit here we go again

45) tiff entering another dimension followed by dawn doing what is certainly a mountain of coke? kind of poetic cinema ok

46) ok dawn’s wearing that green suit again from my icon so??? what does it mean what does it all mean

47) who is mo squaring up with tf? is this marcus? i can’t tell in this lighting maybe it’s fake shooting guy idk also where the fuck are they? some party? but not a rich ppl thing just a thing? idk

48) guys. we have it. the fucking airdate. i have been stanning since the first fucking episode almost a year ago today and finally we have an airdate. respect to the new stans but yall dont know what seven and a half months of network radio silence in regards to your current obsession feels like. @hatimbinaba msged me and said we had a date and the shot of adrenaline i felt was like nothing else. serotonin is currently stored in the black monday and now the serotonin is stored in the ME. Sunday, March 15, 2020, 10 pm motherfuckers. put that shit on the calendar. also looks like we have a slightly earlier timeslot which is nice.

49) and to top (ahah) it all off we have blair just straight up gay panicking at the end. that’s definitely tuc and june and if yall have been following yall would know that tuc is playing blair’s love interest and june is playing tuc’s wife so this is all very jghsrkjghs im rly excited for this scene. no way of knowing if this is before or after blair and harris get together but it’s still kshgkdjhgdkj. rich people golfing? more like rich people existing lmao. also where’s that onion video i need to find the onion video fuck this is just like the onion said would happen. i will post it and make memes later. 

50) then blair just gets hit??? by the golfcart?? and there’s this scream that is definitely not the scream of andrew, tuc or june so??? whose scream was that??? did they add that shit in post??? tf???? also tuc and june barely flinching is really decapitating me kjshkrjdg

51) there’s no way of knowing if tiff is also at the golf course, but if she isn’t? then it’s just blair and his canon love interest and canon love interest’s wife???? which is so funny “hey come play golf with me” “oh is anyone else coming?” “ya my wife” “you’re so stupid i have to question how you’re even still alive”

52) WHEEWWWW AND THAT’S IT YALL!!! BUT A COUPLE MORE THINGS. some distinct absences: no known shot of marcus (which is wack yall would think they would want to plug the hell out of dulé hill) and very few shots of harris and corky. why. promote your newcomers some more tf.

anyways that’s all on this long ass post. @ mutuals expect more freakouts xx love yall this is unedited just raw emotion

[prydon]

a ( VERY LONG) long island geek rundown

aka me just rambling on about paul for paragraphs upon paragraphs, complete with pictures.

so i went to the con with the lovely @haiileyrutledge aka maggie who drove me all the way there from the philly bus station (god bless), it was our first time meeting in person and i still can’t really believe we did this just a few months after we were just kinda joking about going together on twitter when we hardly knew each other

literally the first second we walked into the con, before we’d even gotten our badges, paul mcgann was sitting RIGHT THERE at his autograph table and i may or may not have started aggressively hitting maggie in the shoulder and freaking out and hissing “he’s there, HE’S THERE” and she had to drag me past him so we could get our badges

then we sat in on the panel before his to make sure we got good seats for his. it was a panel with wendy padbury and frazer hines and they were adorable!! by the end of their panel we were literally buzzing tho bc we knew what was next

when paul came in the first thing he did was squint up at the ceiling and complain about the brightness of the lights, like “oh this is quite harsh isn’t it” so they turned them down for him, much to maggie’s chagrin bc she’s a photographer and it made it very hard to take nice photos (look forward to her uploading her photos btw, she got some GREAT shots regardless of lighting)

then we all sang happy birthday to paul, per the interviewer’s instructions! it was v cute. someone uploaded a video of it on youtube. (i took one too, but it was much worse quality)

first question the interviewer asked was what the secret to paul’s eternal youth was, which paul took a SUSPICIOUSLY long time thinking about before finally just claiming it was his insomnia. how not sleeping is supposed to make you look better i have no idea, but it’s clearly not hurting paul’s appearance, despite him “not having slept since the nineties” (his words)

and so on went the panel. it was quite fun, and though i’d heard almost all the anecdotes paul told before, they weren’t ones he’d told a million times and the interviewer asked interesting questions about his brothers and some of his earlier roles.

he also asked him about holby- the most recent episode, even- which i was not expecting lol. he asked paul if gaskell was really dead, and paul was just like “lol it’s a soap, who knows what could happen” and joked about another soap character whose death had turned out to be a dream. 

also of note is that paul never called gaskell by name once and exclusively referred to him as “doctor death” lmaooo. i actually know why this is- he mentioned on a radio show a week or so ago that a holby city fan yelled “doctor death!” at him in the street once- but he didn’t....explain this background to the panel audience, so i’m sure many were baffled by it :”D the interviewer was like “so your most recent role, professor john gaskell-” and paul was literally like “ah, yes. doctor death!” asoifjsaij what a dork

^ this pic is actually from the sunday panel but god, actual dork with a heart of gold paul mcgann being juxtaposed next to menacing shots of “doctor death” was never not hilarious 

speaking of holby, I GOT TO ASK HIM A QUESTION DURING THE Q & A, and i asked him what it was like working with guy henry! he said working with old friends is tough bc they know all your acting tricks lol. he went on gently roast guy and say he’s looked like he was 40 since they were at rada and that one of their professors told guy that he was the kind of person who wouldn’t find real success until he WAS like 40 bc he just had one of those faces, and lo and behold, that was case. notably, paul said all of this while holding eye contact with me since it was my question, and i was literally trembling by the end of his response bc i can barely hold eye contact with my family members let along PAUL JOHN MCGANN

he also said “fuck” at one point. at another he pulled the cap off his water bottle with his teeth and maggie and i were both like...*sweating*

after that we got our photo ops! then managed to get some food in us, and then i went to get paul’s autograph and give him his bday gift, which i already detailed here [x] so i won’t get into that. notably he also called maggie photogenic and said their photo op looked like a housewarming photo of a couple just moving in. we were both dying afterwards.

theeeen that evening i attended a dinner party for fans with vip passes that the stars also attended! the food was v yummy. there was ice cream too.

unfortunately i didn’t end up at paul’s table, but i was at the table next to him so i may have eavesdropped. my table had jon davey, who plays cybermen and daleks and ood etc, and who was very funny and decidedly attractive, and who at one point pulled out his phone and showed me this video while nearly dying of laughter over it

paul was actually late to the dinner because he crashed a painting panel!!

^ here’s him painting his tardis picture with his dorky ass reading glasses on. what an old man. i love him

he did show up eventually, and ended up drinking a decent amount of red wine and i’m pretty sure got tipsy and at one point misheard the person next to him as saying “penis hands” and was like “penis hands???? PENIS HANDS???”

all my table ended up leaving early but paul’s all stayed hanging on his every word bc that’s the effect he has on people :’)) so i ended up scooting over there just to listen. at one point his assistant came over and whispered to me that paul HAD gotten the letter i gave him with his gift and he WOULD read it tonight and i was like “omg no it’s ok, i didn’t need him to reply asap or anything, i just wanted him to have it!!”

i left the dinner when paul left- his table were the last ones out- and maggie was outside the dinner waiting for me and may have collapsed into a fit of giggles when she saw paul. then we went to our airbnb and fuckin CRASHED because we were so damn exhausted

on to SUNDAY

i started placing bets on what paul would be wearing that day on sunday morning, since i know he only has like three different con outfits that he wears. lo and behold we get to the con and he’s wearing THE EXACT SAME CLOTHES AS SATURDAY. like, down to the scarf and shoes. they were 100% the same.

idk why he was, but he must have washed them, or he must be an ethereal being incapable of sweating because he was just as nice and fresh as the previous day [shrug]

we wandered around the dealer’s room for a bit, maggie bought a vinyl from a charity sale booth and i bought a couple dwms with bb eight on them bc why not

my lovely internet friends and fellow paul superfans @savageinkspillage and @paulmcgannlesbian both paid me to buy them autographs, and i was happy to oblige because it meant i got to talk to paul again

i went up to his booth and he said “good to see you again!!” and told me he was so touched by the birthday card :”0 and thanked me again for the drawing!

i told him what names to sign to for the autographs and there was an incredible moment where i told him to address one to “brittany” and his brain like. short-circuited and he tried to spell it out to me except he spelled it some ridiculous white mom way like “B-R-I-T-N-I-Y” or something and i just stared at him for a moment not sure if he was fucking with me before being like “.....no?”

once i told him “two t’s” he got it and said “like the place!!” and asked me if i knew where brittany was in a stern teacher voice and i was p sure it was france but not 100% so i was just like “d-don’t quiz me”

he also let me take pictures of him holding the autographs that i could send to my friends, which was very sweet!! here’s him with @savageinkspillage‘s.

he was very determined that we let them dry before taking them because he didn’t want them to be smudged, and blew gently on them himself like a dork.

before we could go, he also fully just was like “give me a hug” and got up and hugged me AGAIN. THREE PAUL MCGANN HUGS IN ONE WEEKEND. T H R E E.

then after he hugged me he noticed the bowie vinyl that maggie had just bought in the dealer’s room and was like “!!!!!! is that a vinyl!!!! can i see!!!”

maggie was like “of course” and handed it over and he was FAWNING over the thing and promptly informed us that it was definitely an original print bc it was made of a special sort of material only used to make records in the 70s, and that it had never been played. maggie said she got it for $10 and he was like “TEN BUCKS??”

he also sniffed it because apparently “that’s what you did with vinyls” and took it out of its sleeve (with maggie’s permission) and freakin’ messed with it to show us how bendy the materal was before giving it back to maggie and emphatically telling her to “treasure that”.

he asked us where we got it and i said it was at a table in the dealer’s room, next to where they were keeping his painting from the night before. upon hearing about the painting he was immediately like “noooo don’t remind me of that!! i’m so ashamed!!” and i was like “WTH PAUL NO IT WAS SO GOOD”

here’s paul’s painting!! it’s lovely!!

also at one point maggie’s hoop earring fell out and full on, like, made a break for paul mcgann and rolled behind his chair. she was embarrassed but he just picked it up and messed with it, feigning putting it on his ear and saying he wished he was a girl so he could wear earrings like that and i was like “you should get your ears pierced!” because he SHOULD. he just laughed.

we literally had a whole, like, probably 10 minute conversation with him and he was just so lovely and funny and warm and thanked me one last time for the drawing before we walked away soasifjsaoifj 

THEN it was time for his sunday panel!! it was a great change of pace from usual panels, it was called “doctor’s orders” and run by a podcaster who’d based it on advice columns- basically, he asks paul a bunch of questions looking for advice that he’d gathered from fans and paul had to impart his wisdom.

here are just a few choice tidbits from the panel:

q: what do i do if my boyfriend never puts the toilet seat down? paul: get rid of him

q: there are beehives in my house, what do i do?? paul: don’t kill them!! bees are our friends. move out. let the bees have the house instead

q: boxers or briefs? paul: briefs. *pointed look at audience* some of us need the support.

he was asked the trolley problem and said without hesitation that he would move the trolley to kill the one instead of the five. he also endorsed stealing from businesses to feed the hungry (unsurprising because *cough* he’s a socialist). he revealed that he shoplifted all the time as a kid as a right of passage in working class liverpool and asked the audience to raise their hands if they’d ever shoplifted. when a decent amount did, he called it a sign of a healthy society. he doted on his sons quite a bit which was adorable, and said he was the “soft touch” when they were growing up while mum was bad cop.

at one point he said if liverpool won the premiere league he’d “sit naked here in front of you” and then immediately was like “...i don’t know why i said that.” the audience was roaring with laughter the entire time. it was legitimately the funnest panel i’ve ever been too :’0 and we had front row seats!!

at the end, the host opened the panel up to the audience to ask their advice questions, and maggie asked one about how to survive while studying abroad in london next year. paul gently ribbed her at first being like “well, remember to sleep and eat” but then reassured her “you’ll be fine” and i could physically feel her melting beside me.

after the panel he chatted a bit with the women next to us, who i know to be old guards of paul mcgann fandom. i didn’t hear much but i did hear paul refer to “that brexit shit” lol.

the last time maggie and i saw paul, he seemed to be leaving the con and nearly tripped over a remote control cybermat on the way out, which was cute.

all in all...i really don’t have words for how amazing this was. i couldn’t have asked for a better environment to meet my favorite actor in, and i have gained so many wonderful memories that i can’t even keep track of them all, and i can’t wait to do it again.

[misformarvel]

Not too late

June 18th part 2

Summary: after five years without seeing each other, unsolved feelings between Tom and y/n still being there.

A/N: first of all, massive thanks to every one of you that read, liked, reblogged June 18th and ask me for a part 2. My life pretty much sucks at the moment and writing keeps me afloat. Your support is 100% appreciated and makes my day to day more bearable. I didn’t mean to make a part 2 of June 18th when I conceived it in my mind, but some complications in my routine made me cut it in a very frustrating way. I re-evaluate the end I wanted for the story, I hope you all like it, you’re 70% creators of this, I’m just putting it in words. 

Warnings: 

shitty use of the english language (probably more than ever bc I’m really lazy to edit this, if a mistake it’s tooo gruesome please correct me in the comments so I could change it). 

Fluff, angst (as always bc i’ve only two moods), probably mentions of sex. 

The stellar appearance of the one and only Jacob Batalon. 

W.A approx 1900 words -my longest yet-

If you’re reading this, I love you.

xx. Mel.

- “Happy New Year!”.

Everybody screamed and laughed. They turned to kiss the person they wanted to spent the year with. Everyone, except you, along with your champagne glass contemplating the city that delivered the person you’ve become. You don’t have someone to kiss, he wasn’t there. To be honest, if he’d be there you probably slap him instead of kissing. 

You’ve spent five years away from London and you made a new life. New friends, new job, new hobbies and habits. Tom was replaced as your best friend and as your love interest. Your love life was cancelled and is not like you haven’t slept with anyone in five years but they were just hookups. Dating doesn’t fit you, Jacob always says. Jacob. Your roommate and new best friend in the world. You couldn’t make it in this city without him, you just couldn’t. He’s so far the smartest, sassiest and most kind-hearted person you’ve ever met. Dating does fit him, except for his relative commitment issues. He and Lea have made it now for three years.

- Y/N is watching the fireworks, let’s join her! -. Lea had a champagne bottle in one of her hands and two cups in the other, her bright black eyes smiled at you with complicity. You guys met at the metro, while she was performing cello. You were the only person that stopped to hear her play and cheer her at the end of her performance. She started to cry because she had a dreadful day and you invite her to your flat, the building was right above the station. You didn’t know she was the mysterious girl your roommate has had a crush over for months. You became friends with Lea, and one thing leads to another, you set them together and were so proud of playing cupid with two of the most fantastic people you’ve ever met.  

You receive the text you were waiting for: “take it away baby” Jacob said and you instantly did your job. Suddenly, your best mate appeared with his ukelele, singing a beautiful traditional Hawaiian song, his voice shaking and tears filling his eyes. Tears of happiness. You smiled at the scene. Lea was standing there, looking at his boo with heart-eyes, leaving the bottle and cups over the little table you have on your balcony. 

- Turn around baby, our neighbours got something to tell you. 

Your job was send a text to the neighbours from the building across the street. You and Jacob planned this for months, actually, it was his idea but you were in charge of the “logistics”. So you knock at every door with a fruit basket trying to bribe you neighbours and get them to participate in Jacob’s proposal. There was no need, as soon as they’ve heard it was all about the “cello girl” and that nice guy from the flowers shop. 

“Marry me Lea, J”- The building across the street enlighted with the message of love. Lea fall in her knees, crying and laughing. Jacob sat beside her and gave her the ring. You were crying as a baby at this point, you even had snots and gave a gruesome spectacle. Your job was done, you leave the lovebirds alone and came back to the party, utterly happy for the future, optimistic as you’ve never been. 

Hey, hi. I’m Tom. y/n’s mum gave me your number. I’m an old friend from school and I’m in the city, so I was thinking of surprising her. HMU if you’re down to help me. 

Jacob knew the whole story about you and Tom. It was hard to understand but he did, and always had your back when you went backwards in your attempt at getting over Tom. It was hard for you but you seemed to be ok now, you didn’t need all that drama. And there it was a nice guy working in the store beside his flowers shop who he really liked and was into you. This text he received from Tom could fuck up so many things, but Jacob couldn’t lie to you. You needed to know. 

- “Boo, there’s something you need to know about y/n and her trip to London for her sister’s wedding”. Lea agreed with Jacob that you needed to know about Tom being in your city and wanting to meet you. The night of your sister and Sam’s wedding you and Tom kissed, and he “kinda” revealed his feelings for you, in a very poor way, according to Lea’s point of view. But when you came back to your city, running away from your feelings once more, you couldn’t just show up in your apartment, you couldn’t tell Jacob what happened. You went to Lea’s and spent two or three days until it was normal to you to come back after your family event. 

- “Why’d you hide me this y/n? We’re besties, we’re supposed to trust in each other. And not to mention you (Lea) knew it and shut about it till now. Perfect. Betrayed by my best friend and my future wife. This is too much”. 

-” Jacob don’t be mad at me. I didn’t know how to handle it. After all I did to stop having feelings for him”.

-”Poor Nick, he was so enthusiast about your date,” Jacob said about the guy from the store beside his. Yeah, homeboy already set you a blind date with him.

-”Who’s Nick!?” You replied, even tho Jacob talked about this fella a thousand times since they met. “Listen, Jake, I’m not gonna see him anyways, I told him I can’t do this”. 

- “Shut your face, is so obvious you’re still in love with him. But of course you’re not gonna see him, not until I meet him and say a couple of things” Jacob said, his index pointing at you, overprotective brother mode on. 

- “Guys there’s still a party out there in your living room, dontcha want to wait for them to go to have this screamy fight?” Lea said softly, lookin’ even smaller than she already was. 

- “She’s right. We’re gonna have a proper talk tomorrow”. You left the room, rolling eyes at Jacob that looked at you with disappointment. In four years living together, you’ve never fought over anything. 

You lit your cigarette. The night was cold and it puts you in the mood. You promised your mum you were going to quit it, but you couldn’t help yourself on nights like this. There was a park a couple of blocks apart from your building, it reminded you of Richmond Park in Kingston, near your home. Every time you went for a walk you remembered your mornings and afternoons with the Hollands at the park, walking your dog and their staffy Tessa. God, you missed it. And you hated you didn’t have time and a proper place to have a dog of your own. Anyways, the park is a great place to think and lit your occasional cigarettes in the cold nights of your city. 

You were walking by, thinking about how much you’ve fucked it up with Jacob and Lea on their engagement night (and New Year’s Eve). You remembered you haven’t called your sister or Sam to explain them why’d you left their party without saying goodbye. You only received a text from Harry calling you a coward, and other from Harrison, saying he was upset you haven’t met on your time in London. Nothing from Tom. Not a single word. And now he was asking Jacob to participate in “a surprise” he wanted to give you. Your blood boiled, contrasting with the snowy weather.   

-“He does know you, he’s indeed your best mate now”. That voice you’d recognize anywhere, anytime. It gave you goosebumps. 

- “What are you doing here?”, you told him without looking at him and dragging the rest of your cigarette furiously. 

- “I should’ve taken a cab that night and follow your car to the airport. I should’ve stopped you there, kissed you again, hold you in my arms and never let you escape from me again. But I didn’t, because I’m a pussy y/n, I don’t have the guts”. Tom came closer, his face centimetres apart from yours. “I want you y/n, so bad”. 

Everything was shaking inside you. He’s nothing but what you’ve always wanted. You’ve never loved someone because you were so busy being his. He mumbled something in your ear, your bodies real close, fingers intertwined, synchronized heartbeats.

“I’m freezing Tom,” you interrupted the kiss that was imminent. “Let’s go to my hotel” he replied, and a few minutes later you were making out inside the elevator on your way to his hotel room. Your mind was occupied with so many things you couldn’t enjoy the moment you’ve been waiting since you were, like, fourteen years old. He leads you across the hall, never breaking the kiss, his hands everywhere, his lips always pressed to yours. 

- “are you sure?” he asked when it was pretty obvious you were more than down to do it. You didn’t reply, just kissed and wrapped your legs around his waist, pulling him closer, where you needed him the most. 

“Seven years ago, I was looking for a new place, and you know how hard it is in this goddamn city. -People laughed at Jacob first words- I found the perfect place, but there was a problem, this cute babe from London was interested in it too. She was way more practical than me so she proposed to share the apartment. And that’s the story of how I met the bride. Now, I’ll talk about the groom. Ah that motherfucker… Two years ago, the cute babe from London who became my best friend leave me for a couple of days, she was attending to her sister’s wedding. Before she left, she helped me to plan the way I’d propose to my lovely wife here present -Jacob turned to see Lea at his side, with a heavy baby bump and a big shiny smile on her lips-. My poor best friend spent five years away from her family in England because she was heartbroken. What she didn’t know was the cause of the deplorable state of her sentimental life was as miserable as she was. This, my fellow guests, is what I call a story of misunderstood. How people can get hurt because they can’t express their feelings. How much we could hurt others because we don’t understand our own feelings. That’s how I met the groom, helping him to express he understood, finally, that he couldn’t live without her by his side. This is how I helped him to demonstrate is never too late. Is not too late for love, never. So, my speech may have been long and incoherent, but I’m at my best friends wedding, I’m about to become a dad and I’m a little bit tipsy. Here's to y/n and Tom, the bride and the groom”. 

Tom took your hand and kissed your knuckles while you gave him a heart-eyes look. Then he placed his hand on your incipient baby bump and looking straight at your eyes repeat Jacob’s words:  “Is not too late for love, never”. 

I’ll tag the ones asking for a part 2, thank you guys, I hope you like this! @clairesrainbow @littlemisscaligirl @johnmurphys-sass

[therapybabbie]

January 28, 2021

First day of DBT was yesterday. I did not like it. It was like class and not personal and we couldn’t respond to the other patients, only the counselor could, which I hated. I will stick it out tho bc it is the only IOP thats not during my work schedule.

Also, I texted michael a couple nights ago and was like “I dont care what i said before, you and i are NOT cool!!!!! i only get madder and madder at you every day and you traumatized me!!!” or something to that effect, after which he was like “yeah i figured you wouldn’t wanna speak to me anymore after you unfollowed me on instagram. i’m so sorry i lied and cheated and i want to fix it, but you said nothing can fix it so idk what you want me to do.” 

so then the next afternoon i sent him like four paragraphs about the anger and humiliation he caused me and by 11:00 pm the next day he still hadnt responded and i was so mad i couldnt sleep so i texted him “I hate you so much. All that shit and all you cared about is that I unfollowed you on instagram.” and then he responded saying he’d been fucked up and crying all day and he didn’t know what to say and he’s “insanely sorry.” 

then this morning i obviously apologized for saying i hate him bc that is obviously not true, which i also said. I then was like “I’m just dealing with this anger that has nowhere to go and its so heavy blah blah” but in FOUR PARAGRAPHS (why did I do this). Then he was like “I’m really sorry you’re hurting because of me but there’s nothing I can do about it right now to help either of us.” THEN I just said I just want EMPATHY bc I feel like he NEVER tried to imagine being me during the worst things he did to me. and i want him to feel exactly what i felt and know he caused it.

then he said “i have felt that. i felt guilt and shame for so long and still am. i knew what i was doing was wrong and i was paranoid the whole time. i don’t know how to empathize well though, i’ve told you my struggles with that. I know I caused you pain and I want to make you feel better. But I’m also not going to be told I don’t feel anything”

then I explained that’s not what i was saying and i know he feels things, i just never FELT empathy from him regarding what he did to me over the past year. if he was empathetic, he wasnt expressing it in a way i recognize. it didn’t even seem like he was TRYING to be empathetic

and he said “I agree, I didn’t try at all. I was only focused on myself and getting fucked up. I’m an addict. That’s what I’m trying to fix right now. I’m struggling with processing everything and it’s hard. Some days I don’t feel like shit but other days like yesterday when you texted me I was crying about everything I’ve ever done. IDK how this shit works. I literally don’t have answers for you rn. I’m so new to trying to help myself that I don’t know where to start. Maybe in time I’ll have some answers for you but right now I’m just feeling shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do”

Then I said I’m happy he’s focusing on his addiction bc from what I know of him, the more he recovers in that area, the more other things will fall into place, which i hope happens for him

And he said “Thanks but I relapsed last night so not feeling great lol.” then i think he immediately realized he was veering into codependent territory and said “That’s not your problem, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go. I’ve got a lot of things to take care of on my day off. Hope you’re well.”

But I was still responding to his PREVIOUS message so I said I understand he can’t have answers right now, I hope he’s ok too, I’m sorry that me texting him all that probably contributed to his horrible day yesterday and that’s why I said we should stop talking in the first place, “but I’m going through hell right now too, so yeah I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

Then to prevent myself from texting him again some other time, I said “I don’t wanna set you back by texting you some shit like that again while you’re working on recovery, but I’m worried I might. Do you think I should just delete your number, that way it’ll be up to you if you wanna talk again?”

And he said, which i don’t rly understand completely what this means but whatever, “its ok, i understand. it might be for the best that we do that yeah” Like?? why did he say we??? I didn’t say we both delete each others numbers and never speak for the rest of our lives, I said I delete his so he can contact me when he feels like it....but whatever its just texting semantics it doesnt necessarily mean anything

so i said “Ok cool, I promise not to contact you again. You let me know if you wanna talk again sometime later though”

and he said “Ok thanks” which I thought SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you coulda just been like “Ok, I will” or something nicer. It seemed like he was annoyed that I was deleting his number even though i made it clear it was so that HE could contact me at his leisure and not have ME bother him when hes trying to quit drugs!!!!! but whatever......BPD crazy ass disease....this was probably some form of perceived abandonment (real or imagined)

I hope he talks to me again but not for like 3-4 months. I’m glad I set up this boundary for myself though bc now I can never text him first or it’d be too embarrassing. 

Oh, also, after that first round of texts I sent him the first night, he made his instagram private, which he NEVER has before so i guess he really was salty i unfollowed him. this is for the best tho cause now i cant stalk him, which i was only doing sometimes ok.....ok i did it for like 5 days over the period of time surrounding the anniversary of his mothers death to make sure he was okay. Which i think was fine and not creepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think hes more just like “you locked me out of yours, well now you don’t get to see any of mine!” childish but i’d do the same thing

In general, I want this man to have a happy life in the near future. But not right now, not right after treating me like shit for so long. I’m glad he cried all day over something I said, it is only fair. And he will never grow if he never feels bad about this stuff. So it was nice to hear that he at least still cares, even if it meant him feeling like shit for a whole day. 

[youngsoldiers]

❧ yeah, THAT’S A NO — we’re NOT leaving anybody BEHIND ❧

BRYNMOR ISLINGTON really is the spitting image of JACOB ARTIST, right? For someone only TWENTY-FIVE years old, BRYN has been forced to endure so much. Yeah, that MUGGLE has been scraping by at the sanctuary for FOUR MONTHS now, working as a COMBAT-MEDIC & MECHANIC in the DIVISION OF HEALING. HE/EY identifies as A DEMIGUY and is known to be WILFUL and IMPULSIVE but also RESOURCEFUL and TRUSTWORTHY. Best of luck surviving through this. ⊰ JANE, TWENTY, NZT, SHE/HER ⊱

his pinterest ( it’s p new so there’s not much in it yet tho )

ABOUT A BROTHER.

bryn’s got like a thousand siblings ( okay, six, but, like. it’s close ) and while he only partially identifies as male, he fully identifies as a brother. in general, he doesn’t like gendered nouns ( he prefers child over son, for example ), but brother is something so intrinsic to him that it’s always been a word he’s felt fits him, that he can identify with, even though he doesn’t feel fully engaged with the concept of malehood. he was pretty young when he learned what it meant to be a brother, and it’s a word that took root in him, and he’s known meant him for longer than sibling did. brother means love, and having your siblings’ backs when they need it, and teasing them, sure, but brother has also meant bryn for literally as long as he can remember, and for him, it means more bryn than brother

not that he thinks brothers are exclusively the protective ones — his younger half-sister claudia is sixteen and absolutely the most fucking fierce and tough person he’s ever met ever and she’s the most protective person he knows — but it’s just those are things the word has always meant for him and he’s just always associated with it

ok about his mess of siblings

SO

his fam situation’s a bit of a Time

he is the child of two aggressively welsh best friends who ended up in bed together bc everyone loves a good bfwb story ( actually that’s basically only a molly mood, lexi’s like ??? me ??? sleep with someone i value ??? sounds Exhausting, and bryn’s just like “those are my parents you’re talking about” ) and siân ended up pregnant w bryn and she and dylan were like ok you know what we’re gonna keep him and live together bc yolo

anyway they did and it was good but the experience also like... very much made it clear that, while they loved each other absolutely & were both attractive people, they were really not... in love with each other ?? but they were still best friends and eventually they figured out that they were happy living and raising bryn together but they didn’t want to be together together

it was a bit messy at first to figure out the logistics but eventually they started seeing other people while living together and watching over bryn

it was a bit hard to find people who were cool with the exact situation bryn and his parents had going on, but siân figured that was fine, because as far as she was concerned, the living situation wasn’t about to change so they had to either front up or ship out

eventually, after a few romantic mishaps of their own, dylan and siân settled down into relationships with partners that were long-term enough to move in

by the time bryn was fourteen, he had five siblings, all of whom escaped names as welsh as his, to his vague outrage: thomas (braxtonby*), eleven, siân’s son; robbie (islington), son to dylan and his partner cath, nine; briarley (rogers), daughter to siân and her partner oli, nine; max (islington), son to dylan and cath, seven; and claudia (rogers), daughter to siân and oli, five.

at first, when siblings had started popping up, he’d been like, aight, time to be a bro

but then they like ??? never stopped ??? so he adopted a more chill approach. he’s still very much a force of protection and he’ll be there when needed in a heartbeat but honestly there were five of them running around for most of his life, six now, and like... he can’t keep an active eye on all of them, so instead he just made sure they always knew he was there when needed

also when he was like twenty, dylan and cath had a surprise kid (wren (islington), currently aged five) and bryn was like ??? I THOUGHT I WAS IN THE CLEAR

in all seriousness though, as exasperated as bryn sometimes can get with how many siblings he has to be aware of, he wouldn’t trade his family for the WORLD. he loves them. looooves them. he also considers oli and cath an integral part of his family ?? he’s really lucky, in his opinion, because he sorta ended up with four parents. he has no idea how the rest of them feel about it. thomas is the only one who only has one biological parent in the house but his dad’s kind of a dick so bryn doesn’t tend to give it much thought ( which is ?? bryn just bc his dad’s a dick doesn’t mean he might not have conflicting feelings there — who knows? not you, bc you never thought about it )

i’m going to stop talking about his family now

bryn honestly just feels like he’s had a pretty reasonable life. he’s well-aware that his family isn’t quite a nuclear standard, but he’s always had a good life, as far as he’s concerned. played rugby in high school, had a few laughs, did all right in his exams — enough to be accepted into university, which he attended after a gap year. he studied film and media, and worked part time as a mechanic to earn some money

when the zombies situation happened he was ??? honestly in disbelief. he studies films, where people spend tons of money to bring these stories to life as a form of escapism from the real world — now the screen escaped into their real world

his whole family ended up scattered. his parents (as in, all four) had decided to go on a family holiday to ireland for some reason, but it was a staggered operation. they were all going to drive to the coast and ferry across. cath and dylan had decided to ferry from liverpool with max (18) and wren (5) and were first driving to nottingham to visit cath’s mum and stay there for a couple of days before heading to liverpool, where they were going to meet siân, oli and claudia (16), who were heading to liverpool from london, where claudia had been staying for two weeks to audition for dance schools. bryn (25), thomas (22), briarley (20) and robbie (20) were meant to make their way to ireland by themselves, all having opted out of road trips with either branch of the family. robbie and briarley, always as thick as thieves, had been in brighton for some reason ( probably just general troublemaking, bryn reckons ) and were talking about flying to dublin, last bryn heard, and he had no idea where thomas was. nobody really ever does. he’s a natural born wanderer.

so when the zombies escaped and the world went to shit, bryn was alone in wales and had no clue where his family was. nobody was answering their phones — he suspected networks were down, or phones were dead, because briarley was always using her phone to incite rebellion amongst her instagram followers & send him snapchats with those awful filters that put your face on dancing bodies — and he had no real clue how far along anyone was on their road trip, whether briarley & robbie had ended up on a plane or not, or whether thomas was even on the same land mass as him. he knew nothing.

oli was a nurse and had taught all of the islington-braxtonby-rogers kids some basics, and bryn had soaked up a lot of it, though he’d never realised quite how much until there was a situation such as this to require it

he managed to survive on his own for quite a while, helping people where he could find them but always trying to continue, to see if he could find any of his family or friends — just anyone he knew

eventually, he met ailyn yaxley, and they ended up aiming for hogwarts. when he found out there was a safehouse, a sanctuary, he knew he had to try get there, because the adults would absolutely have tried to get the kids there if they knew

when he finally got there, he found cath, max and wren, to his utmost relief, as well as claudia. he found out that dylan had sent cath and the boys to the castle and had stayed out there, trying to find all of the rest of them. siân and oli hadn’t gotten to london by the time everything went to shit, and claudia had been incredibly lucky to be helped out of the edge of london by a group of wixen, along with one of her dancing friend

bryn signed up to be a combat medic, deciding he wanted to help in any way he could and having improved his skills greatly by virtue of doing it for months out in the real world before he made it to the sanctuary. he’s unafraid of a fight, but more people are brave than able to help patch people up, so he’s utilising his skills where he best can. + he worked as a mechanic for several years so he’s always down to help in that way too

ok i just rewatched the last ep of the tomorrow people ( !!! my hard drive is working y’all!!! i downloaded it from my shitty laptop to there and watched it on my macbook I FEEL ALIVE ) and there’s this one scene where a tomorrow person, russell, is like “yeah we have this plan but it’s for like a dozen peeps not just three” bc there are only three people in the room w powers and the other two ( john and astrid, the loves of my life ) don’t have them SO IT WORKS WELL FOR A WIXEN/MUGGLE ANALOGY IN THIS SITUATION and john’s just like “uh?? three??” and astrid’s like “what, you think bc we don’t have powers, we can’t fight???” and that’s basically bryn lmao he’s like... ok y’all can teleport whatever but i’m ??? still gonna fight lmao it’s my fight too @ zombies fight me

siân and oli arrived about a week ago and bryn is !!! thrilled. dylan’s still out there and he’s worried, sure, but he tries not to think about it. his dad’ll be okay, he thinks. he promised cath he’d come by before nine months from the outbreak was up, so bryn’s pretty confident he’ll be seeing his dad arrive some time in the next month. ( thomas (22), briarley (20) & robbie (20) are still tbc )

fun facts/personality info ( that’s a lotta history up there i’m sorry )

he’s pretty fast tbh, which is useful, bc he doesn’t have magic so all he has are quick wits and moving fast

he’s still a bit like ??? at magic. both that it exists but also some of the choices that have been made with it. like, moving staircases? the fuck? also, quidditch. he’s been around long enough that he’s heard of it, but i don’t think he’s entirely convinced it’s not a joke. he’s never seen it, after all

highkey rugby fan and highkey wales supporter like owen farrell whomst ?? his first crush was on rhys webb when he was thirteen

pansexual / panromantic

wrt his pronouns, he tends to use he/him pronouns but sometimes is more comfortable with ey/em/eir. def prefers to avoid gendered nouns though ( other than the aforementioned ‘brother’ )

probably would have been a gryffindor if he’d been a wizard but no, this is a Proud Muggle for ya

i’m getting astrid finch af vibes from him, i really gotta rewatch ttp

allergic to cherries

he’s really trustworthy/reliable. not always with making good choices bc sometimes he’s impulsive and just does something ( if he’s not dead, it’s a win ) but like — he’s not down to leave anyone behind, and he’ll come back for you. he doesn’t let people go in alone. he grew up with so many people having his back that it’s just intrinsic to him now

[ drugs tw ] // really wishes he brought some weed // [ end drugs tw ]

was working on a zombie movie for his postgrad film project before the world went to shit. both rly well-versed in muggle zombie lore & kinda like... damn this is ruined for me now lol

speaks welsh bc siân and dylan were so fucking extra about it. uses it with the rest of the siblings to converse in front of other people. it’s pretty useful, actually.

wilful af which is like... noble ig when he’s being stubborn about not leaving people behind but probably annoying af when he’s not being pragmatic and is like that whole ‘hoe don’t do it’ meme bc he’s definitely gonna do it unless someone like physically stops him lmao

often sarcastic / irreverent / teasing but sometimes just... honest ahaha

generally chill & fun but with certain people, gets a different sort of chill, like he’s actually earnestly thinking about everything going on in their lives ( probably people he’s lived through life-threatening situations with, like ailyn )

[briteboy]

yelling @ santi, i’m evil again (what else is new), SOME REALLY REALLY OLD ASKS, one GoT spoiler at the very bottom (beware)

*angrily slaps santi* GET YOUR SELF TOGETHER YAH POOP HEAD

Lou and Fiona deserve happiness pls let it happen ty

they do ;-; it will happen, don’t worry, no one suffers forever <3 i’ve actually been planning out lou’s story and i’m excited to actualize it hehe

I just read all of Santis story. Dear god, it is amazing. I cannot begin to describe how much I love it. I have been really sick lately and have such a hard time concentrating on anything for more than one second but I have not been able to look away from this story, not even when I re-read it for the third time. You are an amazing writer and I have fallen in love with every charachter you have introduced. I teared up so many times and my heart began beating fast, it was really an experience.

OH MY GOD ;___________; YOU READ IT THREE TIMES WHAATDOSOIGODFSKL holy shit thank you so much, i don’t even know what to say right now lmao ;-; i’m just kinda in awe that i was able to grab your attention like that and that you enjoyed it so much and just askjdjfsd THANK YOU i can’t say anything else but just thank you, people like you make this all worth it <3 

A case of the novembers is the kinda story you read and you just know its going to stick with you for awhile. Like ones day, you'll be long gone in the future, doing something totally different, older wiser, all that bullshit, and you'll just randomly remember what a bittersweet story it was.

OMFG ;___; holy heck asjdjnfkdkjs this really got me right in the heart lmao. that’s the kind of story it’s always been for me and seeing other people interpret it that way as well is just mind boggling, thank you <3 

You are evil. My poor heart hurts. ;______________;

you've ruined my life

Life hack: listen to the entire Hamilton soundtrack whilst working out at the gym. By the end of it, you'll have lost half your body weight due to sweating and crying at the same time (pls help this was such a bad decision)

OMG that’s me with grimes’ art angels lmao i go hord to kill v maim and venus fly

hamilton fans also go hord i respect it. learn more about history get swole killing two birds with one stone

Okay this is so fucking random but a while ago you did a post where you talked about perfect bby gianni saying that he spent a lot of time in introspection and like Thank you 'cause now I have a word to put on this thing I do when I try to figure why I feel certain things or what my relationship with people/random shit is and why and yeah I kind of understand myself a little better now so thx a lot!!! 😘😘😘 Also, you're great.

i think i was actually talking about santi (’cause that’s where we’re at right now, in that period of introspection for him heheh) but YES omg that makes me so happy ;-; it’s a good word lmao and i do the same thing, in fact i’m always trying to figure out my relationships with everything in order to understand myself more. that’s kinda why i’m so into astrology haha. i’m glad you finally got to pin down that feeling for yourself, it’s the best when that happens <3 YOU’RE GREAT TOO 💫

NOOOOOOOO MY FAVS THIS CAN'T... LOU.... SANTI PLS... THIS IS A RIOT 😭😭

let’s start protesting santi in the streets

Hi!! Umm I'm guessing you do but just in case, did you know there was a tear accessory? I think it's an eyeliner (cause you mentioned having to draw them yourself)

yeah i do! i mentioned the ones by s-club, i’ve used those a couple times. but i like drawing them myself because i feel like it’s weird to have the same single teardrop every time one of my characters cries (and we all know they’ve been crying a lot lately lmfao) if they didn’t cry often i probably wouldn’t feel compelled to draw the tears. but i don’t mind drawing them honestly, it’s kinda fun lmao. thanks for your consideration <3 

so im sitting here thinkin....... what if santi goes on this trip and coms back and lou is in a relationship!?!?!

👏santi👏get👏it👏together👏

HE’S TRYIN

i want to die

AAAH SOLE DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN CUTE DEVIL CHILD AND I ALMOST DIED TWICE TATOO MAN YES

I HAD TO READ THIS LIKE THREE TIMES TO UNDERSTAND IT LMFAOSDOJDKF BUT YES their relationship kills me the most ;__;

wait santi tried to kys :'(

WHERE U BEEN he did  :{

what font do u use in your histories?

arial!

hi u have a really pretty blog and I hope you have a good day

THIS IS SO SWEET I DON’T DESERVE IT ;-; I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY TOO HONEYBEE 🌻

nyooooooom

I WENT M.I.A FOR A LITTLE AND I COME BACK TO READ UP ON THE STORY AND HOW DARE YOU ASHDDJFKL

@teishajenaie on instagram looks like Rooney to me, idk if you'd agree but ??

i see it!! definitely in the eyes and nose. also sorry i answered this literally like 3 months later lmao

gooey by glass animals gives me santi vibes :) ive been listening to it on repeat (bc im tht bitch) and it was making me think of you and his story! c: i hope you dont mind me over here lmao anyway, im excited to see where it goes and real excited for a back story for lou!! <3 lots of love

omg haha that’s actually funny because i used it in that one scene of him tripping, although it’s like completely a gianni song to me (at least personality-wise, it’s even on his playlist on my character page) and noooo i don’t mind, i love that song and i love when people recommend me songs!! i have a whole bunch of recommendations in my inbox that i need to acknowledge omg. anyway I’M EXCITED THAT YOU’RE EXCITED, especially for lou’s story, it’s coming up reeeeeal soon <333

i feel so late to the party but i Just started reading your story like five minutes ago and im absolutely entranced by it already and i cant wait to catch up and finally understand what to heck is going on

this was sent literally forever ago when santi and molly were out there being wild in the desert lmao so i hope you caught up and everything. “entranced” omg that’s such a wonderful word i’m honored

i didnt think i could love you more but the fact that you watch arrested development makes me so happy. i cry. my boyfriend has a mr manager, bluths frozen bananas shirt thats literally my favorite thing ever.

OMGGG YES i watched it once forever ago and i need to re-watch it asap lmao. I’M PRETTY SURE I BOUGHT THAT SAME EXACT SHIRT FOR MY BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS ONE YEAR

Just a biiig prank. Huge

this one is from so long ago i don’t remember the context but i laughed at loud when i read it. huge

i was playing with uncharted for the first time today and they said Navarro in it and i was like THATS MY BOI SANTIII

santi infiltrating everyone’s lives my bf played uncharted tho!! it looked cool. like indiana jones. i liked the marketplace part. a monkey stole his apple

Hi sunny! I really am in love with your story (even if it's tearing me apart at the moment) and just wanted to say you're cool Stay strong ma dude

HI THANK YOU <333 you’re also cool my dude and i’m sorry for tearing you apart (if it makes you feel any better this story tears me apart on a daily basis)

what packs and expansions do u have for ur game?

ummmmmm all of them except vintage glamour and fitness stuff. i wish i didn’t buy some of the stuff packs lmao but what can ya do i actually didn’t even get vampires or bowling or parenthood until like a month ago lmao i’m late to the party

Oh shit she's been dead hasn't she. Like this is all a drug or alcohol infused bender of mollys memory, she's probably never left. They're probably still at the hospital. I hope I fucking wrong but shit I also hope not. Poor santi

we’re so far past this but i just wanted to publish this anyway lmao it was a good theory! and this person was so sure of it it kinda made me wish it was true lol. sorry if that disappointed you but i’ll always remember this one in my sad sad heart 💔

how long did it take for you to make friends here? I started a simblr because I really like storytelling with my sims & I thought it'd be fun to meet people who enjoy that, too, especially since I don't have many friends irl...but I've been here for quite a few months now and it seems like no one even cares that I'm here....everyone I try to interact with pretty much ignores me after a message or two....I'm just feeling really discouraged about my presence here :/

I’M REALLY SORRY I DIDN’T ANSWER THIS SOONER ASKJDKJFSDKA (i’m sure it didn’t help the fact that you feel ignored, i really really hope you see this) but okay uhhhhhhh i only had acquaintances from 2015 up until like this year? then i started really becoming close with people. so it took a while lol, but i think everyone starts off slow because it’s mostly about the actual game we’re playing at first and then making friends just happens through that. don’t get discouraged, like i said it took a while for me. you really just need to reach out to the people you’d like to become friends with, reply to their posts, give your genuine thoughts, say something that’ll make their day...people notice that no matter what they have going on, i promise. i hope you’re still here and hanging in there. don’t get caught up in who’s talking to you or not talking to you, just do your thing, enjoy what you do, and people will notice you. <3

3. Hi so I just wanted to say that I love your story, I'm here for every update. I'm an s3 player I play s4 every once in awhile but s3 has my soul. I love Santi and I know he will be happy in the end, whether it's with Lou or not(hopefully it is tho) I only want him to be happy. I go through so many emotions in one post, like this is a tv drama and I can’t wait for the next episode. This is the end of my cut and paste. Have a nice day.❤️

HI HELLO <3 this is so sweet and i can’t believe you actually care about my story lmao thank you i’m glad you have faith in his happy ending, i don’t want anyone to think i genuinely like making my characters suffer lmao. i only do it to make the happy ending more satisfying. asjdfjksd comparing my stuff to film or tv always makes me so giddy so THANK YOU ily <333

"Suicide before you see this tear fall down my eyes" (Beyonce) reminds me of Molly's situation soooo muchhhh aaaahhhhh

OMG YES what a good connection. good song good connection yaeeahhh better call molly with the good hair

Ummmm... hello! I just read through your whole story with Santi and I'm like... holy fuck. Not only is your story wonderful, your editing is so good. I'm surprised I didn't shove my eyes up against my computer screen. Please continue making wonderful things and being great. Signing off 12:31 in the morning, I hope you have as much fun as you want to

“as much fun as you want to” omfgasdkngjd why did that make me laugh so much. don’t have too much fun, have the responsible amount of fun anyway HELLO thank you soooooO much ;-; pls don’t shove ur eyes up against the screen i’m almost positive that’s not good for them. but i appreciate this so much thank YOU for being great <3 signing off at 2:18 in the morning after ignoring this message for months now (i’m sorryyyyyyy) but um ily

HELLO??? I JUST READ A SERIOUS CASE OF NOVEMBER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND I'M LIKE CRYING???? y u do dis to me I hate you and love you at the same time

(I need to rant I'm sorry) My uncle is really positive towards the army and war and stuff like that and all day he's been going on about how it should be mandatory to serve in the military, especially for "little brat girls" like me? And it's stressing me out so much I want to cry :( The army and war is something that genuinely scares me and I don't want anything to do with it, but he's just going on and on! What should I do?

this is literally sooooooooo late and i feel so bad i’m sorry, i hope this still helps you out and i hope you see it tho okay. i’m pretty sure this was even before the trans military ban like whew idek what your uncle must think about that. tbh just ignore him, like i know it’s hurtful but like...what is his point in telling you this? i would’ve literally been like (sarcastically) “ok then sign me up” but i’m also a lil shit so that’s probably not the best thing to say. but really like the only thing he’s trying to do is feel powerful by means of expressing his militaristic (no pun intended) opinions to someone far younger than him. it’s so that he feels bigger and better than you (especially by calling you a brat). he’s a sad man and anyone who relies on the military, of all things, to shape a person probably doesn’t have a strong sense of self anyway. i love you okay, just ignore him, don’t let him stress you out <3

I'm a little high and it's late but I have a lot of courage now so I've been following you for a while and I just want to tell you how much I love your story! I have come across other places on tumblr who do this but none have captured me as this one did! You are amazing and I am in love with this story! Thanks fo being you! :)

ONMG YOU HAD TO BE HIGH TO SEND THIS LMAO that was me this weekend anyway thank you so much, it floors me every time anyone says these kinds of things to me and it never gets old ;-; you are so amazing ok <333

you can't possibly be offended by a homophobic joke in game of thrones, it's set in medieval times. they had several lgbt characters in it, it's not the show that's homophobic, it's the characters, which is accurate for that time period.

o i can and i will lmao i mean i get where you’re coming from but with that logic you could say it’s only accurate to put homophobic jokes in today’s media just because people are still homophobic in the time live in. i know it’s the characters, but you do understand that someone writes those characters, right? it’s bad writing. it’s lazy and pandering and because of that it’s offensive. idk if you know the exact dialogue i was referring to but it was so completely unnecessary lmfao. they could’ve made a million other jokes. regardless of how it offended me it was just BAD lmao

SPOILER BELOW OK DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YA

@ I wanna watch GoT anon: don't. It's just so fucking bad. The definition of overhyped tbh (and btw, sunny, PLS HELP HE SCREWED HIS FUCKING AUNT WTH)

LMAO SOMEONE ACTUALLY AGREES WITH ME? wow bless u. it is definitely overhyped, like it was good at first but it’s been riding that hype through these past couple of seasons to disguise the bad writing. i understand being entertained by it, but i’m always surprised when people think it’s actually well written at this point...it’s so cringey and now thanks to the season finale this fanbase will be justifying incest. great!

OK MOVE ALONG NOW

[cnisms]

wanted plots & established connections !

ok cool... this rlly aint shit but ! i’ve come up with some ideas (or alex reminded me of a bunch of connections i wrote for an rp that never opened) that i’d be down for. they’re not in order or anything bc there’s a few that could work for a couple different muses so i’ll just list those details after each one. if u see smth u would be down for just ... lmk :P here is my muse list for quick reference. updated w more !!

01.  a box of friendship bracelets and low quality selfies from 2009 tucked away in a closet is all that survived a dynamic friendship that fizzled into nothing. as roommates, a & b shared everything – a set of first times included. then, interests they once shared began to change and both felt as if the other was leaving them behind. neither wanted to be seen chasing desperately after someone that wasn’t interested, so they both pretend they stopped caring long ago. (ex best friends, possibly romantic, misery !) paris, aja, arabella or angel for either muse a or b.

02. a & b were in an extremely close relationship for over a year, though their friends often debated the seriousness of it as they seemed to spend every second weekend broken up. heated arguments from friday were always completely forgotten by monday, much to everyone else’s frustration. it all came to an end when a particularly nasty argument forced a to take an abrupt vacation, coming back to find b already dating someone else. (ex romantic, drama n tension. that someone else could be an npc or another muse.) angel as muse a, percy as muse a, tomas as muse a or b, rosie as muse b, or luma as muse b.

03. though they had known one another for months before, a & b didn’t really clique until their first argument. ever since then, the two have held tight to their friendship and even more to their weekly debates. they fight about anything and everything, no matter how irrelevant or ridiculous. occasionally, things will get personal and they’ll go days without talking, but they always end up back on the same couch, ranting over wine and netflix. (close frenemies.) angel, alanis, rosie or zach as either muse.

04.  everyone was well aware that a & b had always been partners in crime, many people joking to watch out for the troublesome two. just like siblings, the best friends were often bickering about something, but the frequent fights about a’s selfishness or b’s envy always came to a fast close with a playful punch. of course, there had to be a tipping point. when a heard that b had hooked up with a’s recent ex in their absence, they quickly came to the conclusion that their friendship was done for good. the two haven’t exchanged a single kind word since. (friends turned enemies. same w #2, the ex could be another muse or just an npc.) wes, elizabeth or angel as a. tomas, alanis or luma as b.

05. though they’d never been particularly close friends, a & b knew to turn to each other when seeking something they couldn’t get from those closest to them. just sex, no strings attached. it was the perfect arrangement, until it became clear that a didn’t really care about b’s personal life. b remains desperate to keep the affair secret, while a grows tired of playing it so safe. (oops . cheating plot . muse b would have to be in some kind of relationship w someone else, they could be npc tho.) luma, cici or percy as muse a. elizabeth or rosie as muse b.

06.  intoxicated beyond reason when it was made, it’s no surprise that a & b regret a lot of the things on their bucket list. though they can back out whenever they want with no real consequence, neither are willing to be the first to stand down. with some of their tasks being embarrassing and most dangerous, everyone knows to watch out when these two get together to cross another challenge off the list. (dumbass friends always risking their lives for dares) percy, luma, constance or gia as either muse.

07. a & b spend more time together than apart, using expensive wine and room service to fill in the silence between giggles and gossip that should be used to address the elephant in the room: the mutual affection isn’t as platonic as they like to pretend.  with their own experiences of romantic feelings destroying important friendships, despite the fact they both feel they are ready to get serious, they can’t help but stress the risk in their minds and wait for the other to make the first move. (romantic !!) natalya, helena, gia or arabella as either xx.

08. few people are lucky enough to find that one person they can count on for anything and everything, that’s why a has grown to resent the other people in b’s life. unaware of the jealousy, b has grown tired of the series of petty arguments that a has been attempting to start with them more recently. of course, the issue being left unaddressed has only added fuel to the fire. a has moved on to underhandedly interfering with b’s relationship in an effort to get their best friend back. (toxic bffship. one can’t handle the other having outside relationships (whether theyre romantic or platonic idk) so they scheme n make issues) luma, elizabeth or angel as muse a. luke or zach as muse b.

09. though they had always been friends, a & b grew especially close at the beginning of last year, often ditching their friendship group to go on their own adventures. on one of their messier summer nights, they slept together. the affair continued for months before they finally agreed to end it, though they only really stayed away from each other due to the fight that followed the conversation. despite their ruined friendship, a & b are forced to work together to keep the secret buried as their group grows more and more suspicious of them. (two people within a squad who went from being friends to lovers to enememes. they cheated on their s/os at the time. even tho they’re mad at each other, they’re still friends with both the exes (or current partners if any of them are still together) so they’re trying to keep their drama secret. the friendship group/partners could be other muses but also npc ? so much easier) luma, zach, paris, helena, ajay or gia as either muse.

10. committed to enmity, a & b have never let their mutual friends get in the way of their hatred for each other. there are very few events they consider important enough to save the argument for later, no strangers to bickering over brunches and formal dinners. though both refuse to give any real reasoning for their beef, everyone has their own idea. a & b grew tired of waiting for the other to apologize for the drama, deciding they’re beyond ever becoming friends. (enemies that are always being forced together by their mutual friends, detailed backstory could be developed) luma, mari, tomas, zach, ajay, helena, angel or anyone rlly as either.

11. always swearing the other was the love of their life, everyone was shocked at the demise of a & b’s very public relationship. though a appeared to deal with this much better than b, moving on to a string of hookups soon after the breakup, neither made any attempt at trying to play civil for the sake of the group. it wasn’t until just recently, when they were forced to be alone together for the first time in over a year, that they began to talk. a warm friendship quickly blossomed, though awkward moments are neither few nor fleeting as unresolved heartbreak hangs in the air. (lovers finally turned friends w a nice touch of angst) luma or zach as muse a. aja, helena or luke as muse b.

12. though a & b often claim that their beef is simply due to conflicting personalities, it’s quite clear that their separate histories with the same people play a huge part in their inability to get along. the extremity of this differs day to day, sometimes acting as frenemies exchanging snide remarks, to full blown screaming matches that secretly entertain those around them. everyone else has come to accept the fact that the two have no interest in forming a genuine friendship. (2 ppl who hate eachother bc of a mutual ex. could be an npc or another muse) tomas, percy, rosie or alanis as either.

13. a & b were quick to become best friends and have never been anything else since the day they met. for them, it’s nice knowing that someone always has their back no matter what goes on in their lives, but the rest of their friends aren’t so fond of them together. others often complain that they’re tired of the two always getting involved and fighting each other’s battles. as life forces them apart more and more often, they’ve begun to wake up to the codependent nature of their friendship. (codependent bffs that need to cool it but just love each other so dang much it ain’t easy) aja, zach or elizabeth as either.

14. a & b were always a ‘will they, won’t they’ situation to those around them, one always being interested in the other at the wrong time. they often joke about all the missed opportunities and behave as if they’re fine just being friends, but with the mutual crush returning stronger than ever before, they know it’s only a matter of time before they have to sacrifice either their friendship or their other relationships. (right there . a will they/wont they kinda relationship. one or both would have to have a lil smth going on w/ another muse or npc for the drama) constance, rosie, arabella or ajay as either.

15. after the demise of a long relationship, a began hooking up with b. the agreement was that they’d be friends with benefits and nothing else, b even writing up a list of rules for a to abide by. unsurprisingly, it didn’t last long before a was falling hard for b. no real interest in a relationship with the other, b cut a off completely. a had no choice but to attempt to move on. since then, a has never attempted to play nice with b, who so coldly broke their heart. (fwb turned enemies !!) wes, arabella, luke or beck as muse a. alanis, tomas or luma as muse b.

16. when a felt as though all their relationships were falling apart, b was there to comfort them. what was intended to be just a shoulder to cry on grew into a pure and satisfying friendship that exceeds all expectations. people often pressure the two to date and they won’t deny they’ve each had a desire to do so at different times, but they’ve dismissed these feelings as passing crushes. (platonic, fleetingly romantic) wes, aja, paris or zach as either.

17. a & b are about as different as two people can be, proving that opposites do not always attract. a makes no effort to hide the fact that they think lowly of b, while b isn’t afraid to put a in their place. there are a few, rare moments between arguments where they’ll feel bad for what was said and maybe even share a laugh, but this never lasts long before they’re bickering about something else. (negative) rosie, elizabeth, tomas, mari, helena, arabella or percy as a. wes, zach, paris or gia as b.

18. once a realized people always want what they can’t have, they quickly covered up their long-term crush on b and began giving them the cold shoulder. not much time went by before b took the bait, discovering a new interest in a. they’ve been playing this game of cat and mouse for quite some time, though neither are willing to throw in the towel. despite pretending otherwise, a enjoys the attention, but they’re looking for commitment, and they’re well aware that b is just looking for fun. (romantic (kinda)) aja, arabella or helena as a. rosie, percy or luma as b.

19. ‘ride or dies’ is the term most would use to describe a & b. together, they’ve been through more than most people can imagine. surely, you would think, there has to be a line you’d draw, even when it comes to your best friend. a & b, however, are dangerously committed to each other. it doesn’t matter what one says or does, the other will always have their back without a second thought of the consequences. (another pair of dumbass bffs) angel, zach, paris, gia or luma as either.

20. a & b never really got along, always failing to understand what their friends saw in the other. unlike other people within their group, they were always good at remaining civil for everyone else’s sake, but it’s grown increasingly difficult. following a recent blow up, a & b have realized that what they share may no longer be disinterest, both secretly blaming the argument on sexual tension. (enemies that wanna [ b vc ] smex it) rosie, natalya, ajay or alanis as either.

21. it was just luck that a & b ended up at the same resort on vacation years ago, agreeing to make the most of it. somewhere between sneaking out at night and away from their families during the day, the two fell in love. it seemed perfect and a couldn’t imagine anything better, which is why they were so shocked when they got home and b acted as if nothing happened between them and began dating someone else. while a never cried over b, they had an extremely difficult time getting over b. (exes) mari, bobbie, gia or paris as either tbh. cici as b.

22. just because a & b can’t say exactly when and how they wound up in an exclusive relationship, doesn’t mean it’s not important to them. what was meant to be just another fling escalated into something serious quite naturally, though there are some shared moments where they feel as if they’re back to being nothing more than friends. too distracted by their own outside interests to commit to solving these currently minuscule problems, the two risk destroying their relationship. (ppl who are dating but sometimes it seems like they’re nothin more than friends. could be poly!!) zach, luke, paris or aja as either.

23. a & b are always getting accused of being frenemies by those around them, and they’re unlikely to reject that idea, even when they’re together. for as long as anyone can remember, the two have traded petty insults and pressured one another into terrible ideas. still, no matter how bad things get, they continue to spend every other day attached at the hip, trying to get the other into trouble. (another frenemy plot just w more headassary) gia, percy or luma as either.

24. both strong personalities on their own, a & b together are a force to be reckoned with. the two had a strong friendship, always supporting each other, until they both admitted their deepest secrets. when they sobered up, they decided they’d made a mistake, but weren’t willing to talk about it. now burdened with another secret that could hurt others, as well as knowing the other could ruin their own relationships at any moment, the pair have no idea how to act around each other. (basically friends who arent on the best terms rn after finding out each others deepest n darkest secrets which would have to be worked out obviously) tomas, natalya or mari as either.

25. much to their disgust, people are always asking a & b if they are related due to their constant bickering. after dating for years, the two felt they grew to know each other too well, ending the romantic relationship to just be friends. staying true to their word, they have remained incredibly close. whenever one has an embarrassing question or a disgusting story to share, it’s the other they text. they figure there’s no harm done as they’ve already seen each other at their worst. (romantic turned platonic) gia, bobbie, zach or beck.

26. a year ago, a would have done anything for b, believing they had the perfect, fairy-tale romance going on. truthfully, it was almost perfect, which is exactly why b felt the need to screw it up before they got too deep. in the long run, the carefully considered decision to cheat on a ended up hurting b just as much. now that a has moved on and is comfortable in b’s company again, they’ve begin to regret the loss. despite their previous fears, b has become determined to win a’s affection back. (romantic. angsty . whom knows) arabella, bobbie or luke as a. rosie or tomas as be.

27. a & b are described as being a package deal. you get both or you get none, one rarely being seen without the other. the best friends are known to take spontaneous trips without notifying anyone else, sometimes putting them at odds with the rest of their friends, who the two often accuse of being jealous of their friendship. because of their commitment to one another, a’s social life suffers due to b’s preference for staying in and hanging out one on one. while a tries to be understanding of b’s situation they can’t help the feeling of resentment that grows every time they turn down another invitation to stay at home with b. (best friends who have conflicting ideas of fun) bella, alanis, paris, percy or luma as a. wes, zach, natalya or helena as b.

28. a & b have become known for club hopping all night and drinking too much when together, often forcing them to cancel plans with their other friends the day after. because of this, everyone else has grown to dislike the pair’s friendship, but that only forces them closer together. it’s true that all they really do together is encourage each other’s bad habits, but they’re too busy having fun to notice. (again. pals who need to sort their priorities out but will they ? probably not.) luma, elizabeth, percy, cici or constance as either.

29.  for years, a & b have been confusing others with their constantly changing relationship status. they will spend a few months in an exclusive relationship, a few months in an open relationship, then a few months apart, only to go back and start all over again. currently on their third month of being together, everyone is watching and waiting for the cracks to show before walking away from the relationship yet again. (break up..make up.. total ..waste of.. time) zach, paris, mindy or gia as either.

30. often labeled as high school sweethearts, a & b have been serious for years. for a long time, the two shared an extremely conventional relationship, both very happy with their situation. however, with their lives changing in recent years, changes to the relationship were unavoidable. both feel neglected by the other more often than not, but whenever an issue is brought up, it only leads to an argument. while everyone else expects the two to get engaged any day now, a & b often question if they still really want to be together. (they dont actually have 2 be high school sweethearts just a couple thats been together ... for a long while n things are getting rough.) arabella, ajay, beck, zach or aja as either. alternatively could be an exes plot n a few yrs after the breakup n i can offer rosie, helena, natalya & luke on top of the others.

31. once close friends, a & b drifted apart when other relationships got in the way. even though they saw a lot of each other following, things between the two have been tense for years. after sharing a kiss in a silly game at a recent party, a & b were able to have a laugh together for the first time in forever. since then, their friendship has been on the mend, but this may not be a good thing. with both noticing some romantic feelings growing them, they suspect that their relationship may come to an uglier end this time. (ex pals turned crushes who truly are not compatible) bobbie, beck, zach or rosie as either.

32. a & b’s relationship is only a few months old, and the two are still very much in the honeymoon phase of things. flashing their pet names and exciting dates on instagram, they’ve convinced themselves that things are perfect. however, a appears to have taken the agreement that things between them should remain as relaxed as possible a little more seriously than b would have liked. a often fails to invite b to certain events and outings, assuming they would prefer not to go anyway. this grates on b’s nerves, who is beginning to feel that a doesn’t spend enough time with them. (a new relationship struggling between being casual n legit) paris, aja, ajay or gia as a. arabella, zach or beck as b.

33. despite already knowing each other, a & b weren’t all that close before hooking up. their friends with benefits arrangement lasted for months before they began seeing other people more seriously. since calling it off, the two have remained incredibly close, leading others to believe that their relationship is more than platonic. (fwb turned just friends but like ... there is potential) wes, angel, bobbie, ajay, zach or rosie as either.

[essentiallychaotic]

85 statements R U L E S : you must answer these eighty five statements and tag twenty people I was tagged by the always wonderful @acynicandanidealist​ ^-^ (also sorry if this has been tagged for a bit, my tumblr didn’t tell me so if I’m doing this weirdly late whoops :/ ) I would like to tag: @skittles-pixie​, @pacificjim​, @khanleesi​, @keepingkaya​, @astreana​, @elfiethewicked​, @bleustocking​, @cuemypulse​, @wingleader​, @lokidiabolus​, @scribbly-wibbly-stuff​, @stenchy-wench​, @universalhouseplant​, @shalanos​, @nancysinatras​, @dragonsdawn​, @hungry-angry-lyingdown​, @horaetio​, @inktaire​, @pntmrcys​, aanndd anyone else who wants to do it!

Also sorry if the formatting is wonky, I’m on mobile. Part 1: the last: drink: Water, I have this like quart mason jar with a drink lid, cause I’m one of those people I guess :P phone call: I talked to my Dad this afternoon text message: Uummm… I had to go check haha, it was Cece song you listened to: Probably something by David Bowie this morning (followed by me wandering around the house just singing his name, just repeated dramatic “Bowie!” My dogs loved it) Ooo unless movies count, then whatever is the credits song for the new Ghostbusters :D time you cried: I cried cutting up shallots tonight… other than that idk… I cried during Wonder Woman, seeing my childhood hero portrayed so perfectly was emotional Part 2: Ever: dated someone twice: Like gone on two dates? Yes. I think I’ve gone on two dates (technically three) with two different people. I don’t really date much tho, it takes so much time and college is a lot of work kissed someone and regretted it: Nah, I’ve learned something about how people are every time, hard to regret useful life lessons been cheated on: That involves a relationship so no lost someone special: No one that has passed away, but last fall I had to realise that a friendship had turned really toxic and was impacting my stress and health, which was really hard because she was very important to me, and losing that friendship has been a point of pain this year been depressed: Yes, I’ve just gotten to the point in the last two years where I am able to manage it and not let my depression or anxiety impact my life. I’m really lucky that I don’t have to take meds for it, mainly because I’m super forgetful and never remember to take any pills I’ve ever had gotten drunk and thrown up: Yes and I don’t recommend it. It’s very not fun Part 3: Favourite colours: Green, blue, brown, gold, and red Part 4: In the last year have you: made new friends: I have, and they are all wonderful people fallen out of love: Nope laughed until you cried: I think I have, but even if I haven’t actually cried I’ve gotten close, I’m blessed with wonderfully funny people and pets in my life ^-^ found out someone was talking about you: Yeah my professors, apparently it was nice things but it still freaks me out when they casually are just like “oh that reminds me, we were talking about you at the meeting the other day…” met someone who changed you: Maybe more of met people who affirmed my belief that people can be good and kind and caring, and that I should keep working to be present in the kind and caring parts of myself (cause boy did I used to be bitter and grumpy) found out who your friends are: I feel like this is that “when times get tough you’ll find who your REAL friends are” kinda thing… which I don’t really put a lot of stock in because I think awareness of who people are and where they are at is important in respecting them as individuals… I did lose a couple of friends in the whole big ending toxic friendship thing, but I kinda saw those coming and there’s no hard feelings kissed someone on your facebook list: Nope Part 5: General: how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: I have met them all in real life but one. He and his friends were drunk and at the same hostel as my friend when she was on the phone with me and he asked her if he could talk to her friend and it was hilarious and he added me on facebook do you have any pets: Two puppies do you want to change your name: Nah, my name means born of fire, and I kinda like that… plus it also is connected to my mom’s name in a weird, circuitous way and I like that too what did you do for your last birthday: I had class and work, and then planned on meeting up with friends for our usual pub-and-board-games night and they surprised me with cheesecake and those candles that relight themselves… it was a fun night :) what time did you wake up: 9am-ish what were you doing at midnight last night: Playing with my phone I think… reading something on Ao3 name something you can’t wait for: I start grad school in Belfast this fall, so I’m really excited and also crazy nervous about that when was the last time you saw your mom: A couple of hours ago when we were watching Ghostbusters (I love that movie, Melissa McCarthy is my hero) what are you listening to right now: Silence. Also my dog licking her paws. Everyone here is asleep. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah, remember that one random friend on facebook? His name was Tom… there are probably other from college but I’m drawing a blank something that is getting on your nerves: Just… just so much of the social inequality and how badly our social system fails people who need support… and the fact that their voices aren’t respected and sought out when it comes to telling their stories, like what is that??? most visited website: Ummm… tumblr, gmail, facebook, and my grad school’s website are probs all really close rn hair colour: Natural is a mediumish darker brown colour… currently it’s a brownish/purple colour bc I dyed it months ago and just let it fade long or short hair: Shoulder length, so longish? It makes it easier to control my curls and make them feel fun do you have a crush on someone: Nope what do you like about yourself: Aahhh…. I like to think I’m fun to hang out with I guess… I’m that person whose like “let’s go on an adventure!” And then drags friends to walmart at midnight before walking around campus piercings: I have my ears pierced, and my nose. I used to have my septum pierced too but I took it out. blood type: B positive nickname: Mack or Kenzi relationship status: Happily single, dating takes work and always feels like I’m trying to present this nice and shiny version of myself…. anyone else feel that? zodiac: Aries pronouns: She/Her favourite tv show: Gilmore Girls gets my soul, but Stargate Atlantis is right there too tattoos: Tribalesque (i don’t know any other way to describe it) Celtic woman on one shoulder blade, Celtic tree of life on the other, I have the words “hope is a thing with feathers” (Emily Dickinson) on my left forearm, two black bands around my right forearm, three dots on my right hand ring finger, and this three dots, three lines celtic symbol on my left ring finger (those last two were done in my dorm room last year by friends). I’m also about to get a rose on my right forearm and my bro and I are going to get small sibling tattoos right or left handed: Right, but I can kinda write with my left bc in elementary school this kid in my class broke their dominant arm and it freaked me out bc if that happened to me I wouldn’t be able to do my schoolwork so I practised writing with my left hand. (I can also write so it’s perfectly backwards like a mirrored image bc I used to get bored in class sometimes) piercing: Yup. sport: I watch soccer and baseball, but I don’t play anything (Sleep break and also tired of fighting with mobile yaaayyy) vacation: Oooohhh anyplace with marvellous culture and history really. But I’d love to go to Paris or Rome. pair of trainers: Do converse count? Part 6: more general : eating: All food is wonderful but I love my dad’s bigos stew. drinking: Water with lemon in it. Or coffee and tea I’m about to: Finish watching Ladies in Lavender then go to bed. 

waiting for: Grad school to start this fall. (See: also slightly nervous about starting) want: To see the David Bowie exhibit in Seattle. get married: If I find the right person. I want something lowkey and fun tho, like a party that happens to have a wedding at it haha. career: I dunno, I’m looking at college professor/author right now. Or just switching gears and pursuing musical theatre haha. hugs or kisses: I like hugs more, but not when people just surprise me with them. lips or eyes: Always eyes. shorter or taller: I’m 5'9" so I guess taller…? older or younger: I am 24 sooo I feel older but really that’s quite young in the grand scheme of things. nice arms or nice stomach: I gotta be real I love nice biceps. hook up or relationship: Relationship. troublemaker or hesitant: Depends on my mood and the situation. kissed a stranger: Yup. drank hard liquor: Yeppers, quite a bit actually. lost glasses or contact lenses: I misplace my glasses around the house all of the time but not actually lost them yet thank goodness. turned someone down: Yes. sex on the first date: Not my scene. broken someone’s heart: I really hope I haven’t, but I feel like I might have. had your heart broken: Only platonically by friendships that went south been arrested: Nope, and I hope to keep it that way haha. cried when someone died: I’ve yet to have someone I know personally die, and I hope it’s a long way off still. fallen for a friend: I have friends that I was attracted to at the start of our friendship, but never really fallen for them no. Part 7: do you believe in: yourself: I do now, but it took several years. miracles: I do, but I also think they’re not quite what we describe for them in our cultural narratives . love at first sight: No, love involves seeing people clearly and unconditionally caring for them. I think we can have connection at first sight but not love really. Santa Claus: I believe that Santa Clause is the spirit of Christmas and a wonderful way to see good in the world. kiss on the first date: Depends. But normally no. I did have a first date that ended in a firm handshake. That was interesting. He was also the one who on our second date listened to me explain the beowulf text narrative arc for St Christopher and was genuinely interested so… angels: I am definitely open to the possibility. Part 8: Other: current best friend’s name: Cece is my bae. eye colour: Green. Favourite movie: Reality Bites or Pride and Prejudice

[kmackenz]

I’m ab to blog the fuck out of my feelings bc it’s not like I know anyone who follows this shit anyways. And I heard blogging can help so... A year ago on February 12th I started seeing a girl. The first girl i’d ever tried to carry out a relationship with. I knew nothing ab my sexuality I was confused as fuck so for me, it started off somewhat experimental. But within like a week of talking to this girl, I couldn’t put my freakin phone down. I thought about her all the time, I was so excited. We met when I went to ATL for a concert, I had my location for tinder on so I was able to pick her up from Athens, GA. This girl was crazy for me because she was so opposite. She loved country music and had loving protective parents, she grew up in a traditional Christian home. I didn’t have any of that, I liked rap and pretty much all music except country(surprise was that I grew up with a country ass daddy and loved country music but when he died I didn’t like it as much), I had parents who chose drugs over me and God was not on my radar. That’s a whole different story though.

I loved everything ab her tho. Even her name.... I thought Rachel was the most beautiful name. She was so gorgeous and I couldn’t ever believe she actually went for me. We had such a fire connection it was crazy. We would stay up all night because we didn’t wanna stop talking. We had so much to catch eachother up on yet it felt like we had known eachother forever. What we shared was literally the definition of soulmate. I drove out to see her as much as I could, almost every weekend. Every time I saw her it was like a child seeing their favorite Disney character or something I mean I was so fucking excited dude it was crazy, I would be jittery the whole drive there and when I’d get in the car it was like I hadn’t been home in years and I was finally home. Don’t even get me started on the chemistry dude we were so turned on by eachother lol it was like all the freakin time. I had never really had a crazy sex drive before but with her it was so natural. Touching her felt so right and I know she felt the same. We were crazy about eachother. We got serious real fast and I was dying to tell her how much I loved her so I decided not to wait. We caved for eachother. I dropped my guard completely because she was so safe, so sweet, so protective. I knew she would never hurt me.

Nearly 3 months later I just couldn’t wait. I needed my girl and she needed me so I jumped and I found a place in Athens and I quit my job and found a new one and like that, I was there. Life with Rachel was beautiful but I was sort of sad because I had moved there for her and we still only got to see eachother fr once or twice a week starting off. We fought ab that... I wish we hadn’t. She would spend more time with her family and we fought ab that too.... again, I freaking hate myself. Why was I so jealous that she had family? Deep down I was happy for her but I behaved selfishly and wanted to be her family. It’s hard not having anyone ever choose you man it’s not supposed to be that way. I couldn’t help but want her to choose me but I don’t blame her for being hesitant. I should have been more hesitant. Things continued to be strong tho and we knew the other was far worth it.

I remember when I started going on grand openings for chickfila it just broke her little heart to watch me leave and it just wrecked me. But I needed the money so bad my new job just wasn’t adequate and I wanted the opportunity to travel, I never wanted to see her hurting or missing me, I never wanted her to go through that man I hated it for her I hated it too but I won’t lie, I wasn’t nearly as attached as she was either by this point. But it wasn’t because I wasn’t in love with her, it wasn’t because she loved me more, it was because I thought we were in it forever. I thought she wasn’t going anywhere and I thought I wasn’t either. I felt safe in knowing we could get through anything and come out of it still holding hands. Time was just time to me at that point....

Around August my friend logan moved down to be my roommate and she started school. This is when things got too tough. This is when I fucked up everything. Logan got there and I hadn’t had anyone except Rachel in a couple months. I was so excited to have my friend again but he had changed and that really hurt me... at the time I thought his changing was my fault. I thought he was mad at me for leaving earlier or for choosing Rachel instead of our initial plan in ATL. I felt like I needed to make it up to him, like I needed to earn his friendship back and for whatever reason he stopped supporting me and Rachel. I was so desperate for him to be my friend and I don’t even know why man. I don’t know what fucked my brain and made me think Rachel was not enough for me. I mean it’s probably true that she never could have met every single one of my needs it’s just not humanly possible, that’s more of a God thing I think. But I didn’t need logan, I needed Rachel. She was my girl, my soulmate, my lover, she was the one who was gonna walk with me forever.

I kept trying to take space so I could make my own friends, I was sick of being criticized for smoking too much weed, I was tired of having to cater to all of her feelings. I thought that meant I wasn’t right for her. I started to worry i would hurt her. That was the last thing I wanted so I kept trying to push her away. When I was alone and by myself I would think about marrying the freakin girl. I would think about our wedding and our home and our dogs and kids. But when I spoke to friends from home I would get so insecure. So fucking insecure. I felt ashamed and judged and I don’t know why. I still don’t know why I felt that way.

All I know is I kept putting both of us through unnecessary hell. I loved that girl so fucking much and I still love her that much. My heart has never stopped skipping beats for her, my brain has never stopped thinking about her, my heart has never stopped longing for her. I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t stop loving her. I can’t forgive myself for letting this happen. I can’t breathe or sleep or even eat. Food has no taste, I throw up what I do eat usually. I’m so lonely but I have all these friends.... I really got what I asked for man....

I want my baby back. I want my sweetheart, my “soup”, my stinky. I miss all those stupid little nicknames. I miss the way your body fit perfectly next to mine. I miss the way we would both snuggle with puppy. Of course I couldn’t let you know I was snuggling with him too bc I just had to come off as some tough chick even though I’m just as sappy and sensitive as you are. I just had to make sure everyone thought I hated country music, I didn’t actually believe in god, that I thought you were wimpy. Because I’m insecure. I put those insecurities off on you. I’ll never make that mistake again. I’m better than that now. I understand the consequences now. I’m so fucking sorry baby. We are the same but I was ashamed. You are so beautiful for being so confident in yourself.

I miss our trips we would take and staying in Air BNBs I miss our breakfast dates and waking up to you every morning. I miss cooking spaghetti for you. I miss coming home from work to your sweet little face. I miss saying soup with you and coming up with our funny words. I miss all of our laughs. Baby I miss you so much if you could only feel my heart bleeding for you. I’ve never been like this. I thought I was fucked up my whole life but now I realize that I’m fucking broken. How can I fix this? I can’t... you’ve met someone else. You’re moving on. And I’m stuck back here begging you not to go. I threw my forever away.... I didn’t know it would turn into this.... I just want to cry out to something to take away this pain but I don’t even know what anymore. I can’t ask god to bring you back because apparently god doesn’t approve of same sex love. I’m so hurt.... this pain is so unbearable. I just keep waiting for my love to come home and she never does....... she never will

I love you so much Rachel I always will. Please come home one day..... you are my forever baby

[erlangs]

kpop recs

okaaay so i was bored and wanted to procrastinate so i thought why not??? keep in mind that this list isn’t exhaustive and there are probably more recs out there but here are just some of my favorites + why i would rec them!! a lot of the recs are on the popular side of things too but i also tried putting in groups that not everyone know of / listen to already ( i put the more popular groups down the bottom btw ).

day6: day6!!!! day6!!! i got into them like over a year after their debut lmao so i was a lil late but damn am i glad that i started listening to them?? they’re more krock than kpop probably but honestly....pls listen to day6.... a lot of people have been saying that some of their songs feel like anime intros too and i would agree?? like some of their songs would fit v v well into shonen anime intros tbh esp probs like sports anime? ANYWAY, they have a variety of songs like they have different sounds for some of their things but i think they still have a v distinctive day6 feel it’s just a matter of preference which sort of sound you like better? honestly, i would rec all their songs but i think for the purpose of this list my rec for them would be letting go (놓아 놓아 놓아). even without context the music video feels so Raw and Deep too imo but...with context lmao they left a keyboard untouched whenever there are scenes of them playing as a band and that’s bc one of their members left and that always makes me emotional. also, congratulations was their debut and you were beautiful is a continuation of that mv wise which i think is cool af. personal rec though? both tracks from the every day6 march ( how can i say is the title track for that one ). 

dreamcatcher: ok so as i write this they’ve only debuted like a couple of months ago but goddamn i love their concept. here’s a fun fact: they debuted on friday the 13th with a song and mv bearing a horror concept which is??? sick af??? their debut mv chase me basically is about the girls as ghosts haunting this place and it is SO COOL. ofc tho, trigger warning for horror!! i believe that the mv is part of the trilogy, and here is the second part of it called good night. the chase me mv i think is the BEST but i really really love good night as a song too. also !! they have rock sounds which is really cool!! ( also, pls listen to yoohyeon, sua and siyeon covering winner’s really really. )

laboum: MY GIRLS WHO DESERVE SO MUCH. i....honestly don’t even know what to rec for this list just bc i like everything they’ve done?? some i do like more than others though, but i think it also kind of depends on your taste and what you like?? if you like kinda like that cute concept then i would def recommend shooting love?? honestly, i myself am kind of like...picky about cute ish concepts just bc a lot of them seem to blur together but i really like shooting love?? it’s such a fun mv and is such a bop. if you’re here for something slower, though, give fresh adventure a listen. and pls support their latest mv ( as i write this ) hwi hwi which is such a catchy song i’m crying.

loona: they’re doing this thing where they’re releasing info about a member every month this year and they’re letting their members come up with a debut song and mv one by one until all their members are out to public. i think it’s a really cool concept too and they seem really really promising. i would recommend watching each of their individual debut mvs ( hyunjin’s around you is my favorite, but watch them all tbh ) and i still can’t get over how much i love their mv ( not featuring all their members tho as not everyone is “released” yet ) love & live.

pentagon: i....love them??? HONESTLY i have no idea what it is about them that makes me love them so much?? sometimes i’m like pls @ them but i really love them and i think their debut was really Solid too?? it’s an mv called gorilla and it just....really impressed me for a debut mv?? their second title track is called can you feel it and they also they have a super cute mv called pretty pretty lmaooo. in their second ep though ( five senses, with can you feel it as title track ) i really like the song engine!! if you like slower and chiller songs, give beautiful a listen too. the mv isn’t like a Spectacular concept or anything but i just love these boys and how much of cute losers they are.

kard: as i’m writing this they have currently not yet debuted but !! they released three project singles that are all such BOPS HONESTLY. kard is a coed kpop group with some really cool sounds. i’m just gonna list all three project singles here because i def think you should listen to all of them esp bc they’re kind of a trilogy song wise?? their first one is oh nana, followed by don’t recall ( a personal fave ) and their most recent one is called rumor. there are v interesting fan theories about the mvs too, especially for don’t recall.

triple h: they’re a project unit featuring hyuna and pentagon’s hui & e’dawn and their debut is!! really something!! their debut mv is called 365 fresh and holy fuuuck. trigger warning for blood, bruises, violence, murder and suicide, though, so please keep that in mind if you plan on watching. if not, the song in itself is such a Fresh song. i love the entire vibe of their entire 199x ep too.

vixx: kings of dance and vocals, ngl. i swear that they just get better and better and better and every time they have a comeback ever since like chained up they just get even fucking better somehow??? fantasy i really really love too and for the longest time it was my favorite song of theirs but then they recently dropped shangri la which is honestly....quite Something Else. i have admittedly not listened to many of their non title tracks either but i really like black out!!

f(x): i’ll be honest and say that i haven’t really listened to much of f(x) other than their 4 walls era but i love that era?? i love the mv to 4 walls too and i would 10/10 rec it. though honestly pls give the entire album a listen and personally, my favorite song from the album is deja vu.

blackpink: goddamn these girls got popular real quick. honestly one of my fave girl groups though I LOVE THEM SO MUCH and though boombayah i think is officially their debut mv whistle is honestly such a bop and also has a bomb ass music video?? their other two mvs playing with fire and stay are also sick af i just really love them. they got the #aesthetic.

seventeen: i’m just gonna keep this short bc i don’t think i know nearly enough about svt just yet but mansae is suuuch a fun mv imo as a whole group that’s their best mv just because it was really fun?? the song is super catchy too. but give their hip hop unit’s check in a listen too bc it’s Iconic tbh.

bts: they honestly deserve the hype they get?? so much?? you’ve most likely already heard about them but if you’re not into them yet or have yet to listen to a song and don’t know where to start my number one rec is blood, sweat and tears — which is also what got me into them — ( and here’s the japanese ver but keep in mind there are triggers for blood, murder & allusions to drugs, i like to think that the japanese ver is an alternate universe/continuation of the korean one and there are lots of theories on this that you can read up ). althouuugh bst especially the mv would set your standards very high i think?? but honestly....that’s a Must Watch if ur getting into bts. i know that it’s already v popular but it really really deserves the attention it gets imo. BUT the entire wings era is worth listening to and also pls listen to all their solos in the wings album ( my personal favorite is rap monster’s reflection ).

red velvet: probably another name that pops up a lot too and they have a really interesting concept tbh?? they have like this duality where red is like a more playful and fun concept and velvet is more classy and elegant in a way?? dumb dumb is a really fun example of the red concept and be natural for velvet!! russian roulette seems like a hit or miss for people too but i think the song is really cute!!

exo: again, who hasn’t heard of them?? monster was a Hit and deservingly so too. i honestly really really love the entire lotto / ex’act album too and i especially really like can’t bring me down from the album. but honestly, as much as how big of a hit monster ( and some of their other mvs like overdose and call me baby, amongst many others are huge hits too ) was, i think my favorite mv they did was sing for you. boy that made me feel things?? many fans speculate that the mv was kind of a tribute to kris, luhan and tao ( three members who left ) too and that made me even more !!! about it. ALSO ALSO they have a sub unit called exo cbx and i just rec everything cbx does tbh but before they became an official sub unit they did this song as an ost for a kdrama and i LOVE it so much it’s called for you.

got7: another really popular group so imma try not talk too much about them but honestly...i think just right is p much an insight into got7′s personality LMAO aka adorable losers. everyone loves all three of their flight log trilogy eras too but my favorite is the flight log: turbulence era. hard carry is a masterpiece that i keep on coming back to and skyway is my other favorite song on the album, followed by boom x3.

bigbang: i’m not even gonna get into this one because chances are you’ve heard fantastic baby or bang bang bang. listen to anything in their made album, basically. but i’m just gonna leave last dance here it was a Masterpiece.

2ne1: a disbanded group, which is really sad lmao. you’ve probably heard i am the best too but i just wanna rec come back home and falling in love. 2ne1 was what got me into kpop in the first place too and i love them.

soloists: i’m too lazy to link all the mvs and all but look into seo inguk, kim chungha, lim kim, ailee, lee hi, park jimin ( of 15& ), amber liu, kisum, dean, heize and i’m probably missing a lot of people.

[arcadelesbians]

Story time So I had a crush on this one guy from afternoon class, right? (yes, another one, not just J) back in February, when I last saw him regarding school stuff, he looked so damn nice, so damn handsome. I spent weeks thinking about him after a school trip we all had. After that he stopped assisting school, the reason why was unknown for me back then. Until two weeks ago. That's when I decided to add him on Facebook (thing I spent literally months avoiding bc anxiety and awkwardness). He accepted my request and surprisingly, took the initiative to talk to me sending me a message. It was all very strange since he basically started talking about 'his depression', thing I took quite serious at the time, only for him to start making uncomfortable and quite uncommon suggestions to me (e. he asked me if I'd kiss him). I mean i would lol but i was just getting to know him tf calm down buddy. This made me thought "maybe he just wants kisses like me??? hell yea that's what ive been wanting for moths, why not try?" Anyway, we chatted and chatted two days, and in those two days I realized he wasn't really the person i thought he would be. Wasn't sure how to feel about him anymore. I even started to think that he may be just another one of the infamous Fuckboys™. But I wanted to prove myself wrong. Anyway, he proposed we had a date. I thought "maybe if we see each other and talk in person, maybe he won't be that weird" but oh boy, trust me he was. We talked for a few hours and laughed and I was really enjoying spending time with him. Then we walked looking for ice cream. Never found one because we stopped at a corner, talking some more. Until he insisted if I was going to kiss him. I told him I wouldn't and he insisted some more with a 'don't lie, you want to' aaaand, maybe he wasn't wrong. Maybe I wanted to kiss him. Maybe I did. But right after that he started getting creepy again asking when we would hook up. I mean, the fuck? I stopped him right there and told him that it was wrong and was making me feel really uncomfortable. I told him things aren't like that. Then he felt bad and got apparently sad and started making comments on how that was the way people always ditched him. Thinking he was too desperate and a loser and all that. I thought, 'maybe that's his depression talking', so I tried to cheer him up, so I told him some things I thought could help him stop being like that (maybe I kissed him some more, blegh). Anyway, the date ended, we got home and basically never stopped chatting. The day after, while messaging with him, he decided, for some reason I still can't understand, to send me a mother fucking picture of himself, naked (thankfully I didn't see the D but still, wtf). It was so fucking uncomfortable and grossed​ out and I just felt terrible. It had never happened to me. I told him how wrong that was and that I didn't want to see something like that ever again. Basically it was all like a NO for me and I thought I would never see or talk to him ever again. I felt sad, because I had this idea of him and he totally murdered it. After that he sent me another message telling me that "that was him and he would not ever change for me or for anyone. That if I wanted him like that, I gave up to him without doubt it" I was so fucking shocked. It was literally the fuckboy revelation. I shut him straight up telling him his condition wasn't an excuse to act like such a creepy, desperate douchebag. He basically ignored that and told me good bye. I was shocked and angry and disappointed about all this. I didn't much care. But then a few hours later he sent me an apology message, telling me how bad he felt after all that, asking me for a second chance. Telling me he now acts like this because people always treated him wrong and never valuated his good intentions before. I was so unsure... But somehow we talked it out and agreed on meeting a second time a couple of days later to have a real talk about all this. So I met him, and he kind of acted like nothing happened and also he just wanted to kiss me but I didn't let him until I stopped him straight up, telling him that I didn't want to get any more serious with him. I didn't want to have any kind of boyfriend-girlfriend thing with him. That I was cool with just kissing, without the ugly and uncomfortable moments like his nude picture. Then he used the 'oh, I'm sappy again' thing and felt so bad and said that maybe it wasn't a good idea for him because he couldn't stop having feelings for me when he was around me (lmao, remember we have only 'seen' each other like this, two times and have only talked for less than a week so ????) so I thought, "well okay, I'm not going to force you, maybe I should go" but then he didn't want me to go and said that 'he would take the risk' and kissed me. I thought, 'well that's cleared up, maybe enjoy it', so the chatting continued and I thought, 'we get along nicely despite the odds', but sometimes, he seemed to forget what I told him and said things as if we were something. As if we would ever be something. I explained things to him at least two more times. He assured he got it, but that it was hard for him not to grow feelings for me. He told me he wished he could be more like me and don't feel anything round him (that one hurt, I sounded like a cold hearted bitch, maybe he ain't wrong tho). Aaaaanyway, I could tell he would keep doing that, ignoring what I told him and keep making himself too comfortable with me. It started making me anxious and uncomfortable again. Also I couldn't really forget that first impression he gave me. It was terrible, y'all would agree. I probably shouldn't have gave him that second chance. So I started to doubt and decided to tell him I wasn't okay with the thing between us and we needed to stop seeing each other. He didn't take it very well, obviously, but I really felt like things wouldn't end well if I continued seeing him. So it ended, like that. Like.. 3 days ago. He doesn't talk to me, obviously. Yesterday he deleted me from his friends on Facebook. I still have his number for WhatsApp, but I'm pretty sure he has blocked me by now. All this experience, I feel, could have been better. Maybe. Maybe if he wouldn't had send me that message. Maybe if I wouldn't had agreed on meeting him and much less kissing him that early. Maybe I shouldn't have had this idea of him being nice and shy and such a good guy. Maybe if he wouldn't have had a mental breakdown a few months ago. Maybe yeah, I'm a cold hearted bitch now. After all, the moment I met him after been messaging him for two days and getting to know him more, the butterflies I felt back in February weren't there. Maybe he stopped being my crush the moment I kissed him.

[breakingjen]

life update

long time coming eh? stuff has been going on since the last time, which is why i’ve been very sporadic with my blogging because lack of not only physical but mental energy. being an empathetic, emotional, bipolar person is fun (note the sarcasm). without further ado, stuff can be read under the cut.

last time i left off with not knowing what would happen after august 31st, well they prolonged my vocational rehabilitation til october 2nd - which would make it a year in the same workplace. however, my anxiety didn’t really go away because i still didn’t know what would happen or if i’d manage to increase my work hours. about 5 weeks ago a different person than my person from the spes called my ‘boss’ telling him i would need to try increasing my work hours from 4h/day to 6h/day before the meeting scheduled 3 weeks later. so that same day i went from 4h/day to 5h/day and for the rest of that week and the next it kinda worked pretty well, although i was tired as hell and barely managed to do anything after work. now, the week after that (the week prior to the meeting) i had to start trying 6h/day which did not work at all. that wednesday i broke down 3 times at work due to exhaustion and the fact that i was pretty much heading towards depression and the next day after the first breakdown of the day i told my ‘boss’ and my supervisor that it wasn’t working (i was unable to do house chores and other stuff besides work plus my work took longer to do as well - not good signs). so that same day i was told to immediately go back to 5h/day, which i did and then the meeting was the wednesday after that. during that meeting this new person from the spes informed me and my ‘boss’ and my other ‘boss’ (and ceo of the company) about this subsidiary they would get in the event that they decided to employ me and it was decided that that was what was going to happen. the ceo/my boss’ boss and i had our own meeting after in which we went over my employment (incl my pay). so basically after that day it was a done deal, even tho no contract had been signed - that happened two days later. on friday the 29th me and my boss (no apostrophe needed anymore bc he is my boss now) signed my contract and as of tuesday october 3rd i am an employee with actual pay. it feels kinda weird because i haven’t had actual employment in 4 years but i’m so freaking happy that they wanted to keep me at the company and decided to employ me and give me a pretty good pay (after living on subsistence level for so many years my new pay is a huge relief - i don’t have to struggle to pay bills&debts every month now). so happiness is a real feeling i’m having.

now on to something else that’s kept me away from regular blogging...

other than the rollercoaster described above i’ve been extremely worried and upset about my mom. my mother hasn’t been feeling too good for quite a while now, some of her problems i’ve been aware of for months, but others she's been having i didn’t know about until until a couple of weeks ago. three weeks ago she finally went to the doctor because her lymph nodes were swollen, and several places on her hands were as well plus she had pain in most of her body, her thyroid gland was swollen, as well as some other stuff. they drew her blood and stuff and sent a referral for ultrasound of the throat/thyroid gland. the next week she was back at the doctor’s office for reasons i can’t really remember atm, but i know she’d written down a list of all her problems (or symptoms) that she gave to him. and she also told him that her daughters (mostly me, seeing as we’re neighbors and i see her more frequently than my sisters do plus i’d told her that if the doctor didn’t believe her she could call me and i’d talk to him) say that this isn’t her. which is true, she’s not one to complain about her ailments or physical problems (for example, she was having intestinal problems like a decade ago and she very rarely complained about it even tho she later has said that she was in pain everyday during that time) - she’s the kind of person who goes to work even if she’s sick, so this is out of character for her. she got an appointment for the ultrasound, which was tuesday this past week. she called me once it was done and told me that it had revealed a 2cm (that’s centimeter, i have no idea what that would be in inches or whatever) large lump next to the thyroid gland. we don’t know what that lump is yet but to say that we’re not scared/worried right now would be a lie. babysis even broke down in tears when mom told her and she immediately started researching thyroid cancer, sis sent mom a flower delivery for strength (she lives several hours away by car) and is of the opinion that there’s no need to worry really until we know what it is or isn’t, my 3rd sister apparently instantly asked “so you have cancer?” and myself? well, i cried after the call and have researched both thyroid cancer as well as throat cancer and two nights ago i had an honest to god breakdown about the possibility that my mom might have cancer (oh god i really freaking hope not). BUT as i said, we don’t know what it is until they’ve done a biopsy on the lump - which is being done this coming tuesday (oct 10th). although idk how long it’ll take to analyze the sample once they’ve got it. but until then, let’s hope for the best. you’re the first i’ve told about this, i haven’t spoken to anyone else other than mom and my sisters about it and i think it’s beginning to take a toll on me.

one last thing, which is another reason i don’t come on as often/regularly as usual.. i’m feeling pretty low in general this time of year and my doctor took blood samples from me to check the lithium levels (in case we’d need to increase the dose i take every day) and vitamin d levels in my blood - apparently i’m low on vitamin d, so that’s something i’ve gotta start taking on the regular now. 

..and the world is a horrible place and it hits me hard to read about it sometimes, especially during what i’ve been telling you about above, so i tend to step away from it for the sake of my own mental health - me being depressed and unable to get out of bed would do no one any good. so sometimes self care in the form of staying away from possible news sources is something i need to do. especially now that i have the responsibility of a job, with people who depend on me to do said job.

/jen xo

ps. sometimes i’ve been online without blogging but instead liked 97.8% of my dash (my likes currently amount to 25.8k posts), so a queue will be set up sometime in the hopefully near future so there’s regular content on this blog even if i’m not here.

[survivorbermuda-blog]

OWEN’S RITES OF PASSAGE

30th: Constance - ummmm crackt legend????? You were someone I was so shook to see playing these games again. Not really sure what happened or why u had to leave again. But hope you’re doing well!!! Unless you’re actually racist, then I don’t! Xo <3

29th: Mark Wilson - I do not know u but you rlly lucked out of escaping a 70 day season so soon huh

28th: Nick Nox - Thank god you left early bc one Nick was trouble enough for me kdjhjfjsdkfhjd

27th: Joey Palumbo - AHHHH I’m sorry we never got to play together! I was looking forward to talking more. Maybe next time

26th: Elliot Adams - you have a cool name we never were on a tribe together tho rip

25th: Dom Rou - LITERALLY YOU’RE A STUPID HOE?????? You asked me to apply to this game with you, YOU GOT ME INTO THIS MESS, and then you QUIT on me. The beginning of this game was 1000% different with all the talks we had, and I wonder how things would’ve changed if you hadn’t walked when you did. I prob wouldn’t be in f4 lmao so i guess thanks for dragging me into this and then peacing out ily

24th: Lily Lim - LOL Lily <3 You seemed like a really sweet person, even though your timezone made it a little hard to talk. I’m sorry you were the easiest target at that first tribal we went to as a swapped tribe, but the beef between you and Saxon made it the right choice. Hope you’re doin well!

23rd: Madison - ANOTHER QUEEN GOOOOOOOOOOD????? Robbed too soon????? I was so excited to play with you and Dom and then y’all got screwed over by the swap :( I’m sure we’ll play again someday tho

22nd: Julian - Julian!!! Your vote seems so so long ago, I wonder when these will start feeling like things I remember. Unfortunately the tribal divides between us pit us against each other a bit, but I’m glad we got to talk at least a little.

21st: Asya - KJDHJKHFKJSDHFK OK IM SORRY WE DID YOU SO DIRTY??? Dom had so many good things to say about you and I was excited to finally get to meet you and play with you even though he was gone. My wig went flyin real far when you came and snappt at me about telling AJ his name was going around….oops. After that I felt like there wasn’t enough trust left between us :( but now that I am hostin you I hope you forgive me

20th: Saxon - crackt legend????? First idol play of the game??????? Im shaking. You were someone else that I had known before the game started. I know you really really care about the games you’re in and you’re someone who fights as hard as possible, so it was sad to see you go so soon.

19th: Ryan - WOWOOWOW! When we met back on Paget I really thought you were someone who was going to go far with me in this game! I had so much fun talking to you and it was great to finally meet someone new right from the start after playing so many games with people I’d already met. You’re a smart player and a really social guy, and I’m more sad that you didn’t make it than I was about D*M!!!!!! I hope you get another shot at TS and I hope the math is alright lmao

18th: Dylan - idk who this is

17th: Haley - crossroads queen…...I was excited to actually know someone on the Tengaged tribe, even if it didnt help me out very much in the long run lol. Love u!

16th: Blake - We were never on a tribe together some how??? Through all those swaps omg. I’m sorry Maksym snatcht your record tho.

15th: Tee - Queen of Ponderosa…. I hope you’re still doing okay in there, hope they been feedin u well. I was excited to play together, and I really wish it would’ve worked out, but our agendas just ended up on entirely different pages during that first merge vote :( I don’t really know what the problem between you and Matt was, but unfortunately I had to side with someone I had been more loyal to from the start. You’re a queen though!!!! And I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing the game through a juror’s lens this past month!

14th: Sean - Hey Sean!!! You were one of the few Tengaged people I felt I didn’t connect with too much, mostly because the premerge time we spent together we never really went to tribal. I know you were one of the first casualties in a long line of people who left when I wanted it to be Nick… But I liked that you were always there for the tribals, and I feel bad that you went out that way after Nick used his exile :( Hope you’re doin okay!!

13th: AJ - AJ LEGEND!!! I really did love the group we had with Kage, even though my votes over this merge have probably said otherwise. I found myself in a weird position between wanting to work with you, but not wanting to vote out any of the names you gave me, and unfortunately it got to the point where I couldn’t keep protecting as many people as I would’ve liked, especially with Nick immune. I love you though buddy, and I hope we can talk again after this is all over.

12th: Kage - I don’t even know where to start omg. All I can think of is you wearing all of those shirts…. Probably the best thing I have ever seen at a tribal council. At the very start of this game, I never expected you to be someone I worked closely with. When you went around asking everyone where they idol searched, I was initially sketched out by you - but as time went on, I really appreciated having you as someone I could put trust in as the numbers got smaller. I don’t think here is the right place to go over all of the details of why I did what I did the round you left, but I respect everything you tried to do in this game and you’re one of the funniest people I’ve gotten to know from it. Can’t wait to see what shit ur gonna pull at FTC fkjshdfk

11th: Matt - Matthew Summers!!!! It was refreshing to actually get to work together from the start of a game this time, even through the rocky swaps pre-merge. I think of everything, your vote-off is the only one I was truly blindsided by, and I wish it could’ve been another way because talking to you about video games and thirsting over RJ was a refreshing break from all the stress lol. I love you!

10th: Nick - HOLY SHIT NICK!!! The man with nine lives in this game!!! I don’t really know why or how, but at some point I decided you had become my mortal enemy in the game. I think it’s because when we first met, you seemed to be trying to pull the strings a little bit on an alliance between me and some other TG people. Plus your scary poker skills… I immediately saw you as a dominant force, and it scared me to think of having you in the game for as long as you were. You had so many tricks up your sleeve, and you always had me on my toes - you were a huge reason that the merge portion of this game didn’t get stale or boring, and even though I’m happy to have finally conquered my enemy, I hope you’re proud of how well you did!

9th: Maksym - I’m not sure when we decided to work together, but you were someone I had 10000% trust in after those first couple merge votes. Especially when I was getting nervous about something (usually about Tim targeting me), you were at least there to listen. I know the timezone difference made it a little rough, but I’m glad we got to meet here and play together a bit :) I’m sorry you were ROBBED

8th: Rodrigo - I saved this one for last because you are probably the person I have the most to say to, even though I’m not quite sure how to say it. I don’t want to make this public forum into a place for us to hash out our own personal conflict, but I do want you to know that I meant all of the things I said to you out of friendship. You were a close friend to me in this game, and I appreciated that we kept each other safe as long as we could. I know you don’t want to hear it, but when I was given the choice between voting RJ or voting you, I had to side with the person who was willing to vote with me. I so so wish we could’ve made a vote work together that round, and I apologize for not giving you the same honesty in return about me writing your name down - though in hindsight, your idol could’ve done some serious damage that night. I hope you will forgive me for writing your name, because it was 10000% the best game decision for me that night, and it doesn’t reflect at all the way I feel about you outside of this game. And even more than all this game stuff I value your friendship to me. Even when we didn’t vote together, you were a friend, and that meant a lot to me. I love you a lot, and I hope you aren’t too mad at me by now.

7th: RJ - The love of my life….. Wow. When I saw the cast for this, I was SO BLESSED to have someone so hot and so straight on my tribe from the get-go. I love how your laid-back attitude mixes so well with your passion for this game. Even when we were bouncing the craziest ideas off each other, you were never afraid to try anything, and I’m glad we made it as far as we did together. I didn’t expect to ever use that idol on anybody but myself, but the thought of losing you too soon made me do something impulsive and I wouldn’t have done it any other way :) Talk to you soon <3

6th: Jake - I’m really thankful we got to talk in the couples days before you were gone. I know I could’ve done more to approached you on a personal level even after our games didnt quite align, and it was my bad that it took me so long to do so. I hope your Glee rewatch is keeping up, and maybe we’ll get to have a tiny Bermuda reunion if I visit in the fall since we are both gonna be future teachers :)

5th: Lily - It’s so weird to think that the first time we met was all the way back in Malibu. From the blindside in that game, to meeting IRL, to beasting it out in this one together, we’ve come a long way!! You were a phenomenal player this time around - a beast in the challenges, always staying loyal, and still somehow never managing to piss anybody off. I’m sorry that it was you and not me last night, but I know one day you’re gonna come back and snatch the win you deserve!!!

[aibrechts]

(1 of a lot probably) aaAAAAAND I'm back! This time only at 2am tho haha, and as for why, you see, I met this wonderful, talented young man a few weeks ago and I wouldn't miss talking to him for the world. In any case, on the confidentiality thing, please don't worry meu amigo bonito. I trust your judgement, and either way, I /am/ still masked behind anon y'know hahaha. It's all good

I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE A DAY AND IM SO SORRY everything is happening all at once All The Time sighs honestly i wish i could just lay back and bask in ur sunny conversation, even if just for one day;;;

that’s true, that’s true, i think i have an idea of who you are (or rather, which blog you run) but it almost seems a shame to figure out... that being said, if you are who i think you are then your writing is absolutely breathtaking, and as golden as your heart

(onto #2!) Chester seems plenty lovable btw haha. And I gotta agree that it'd be nigh impossible to find a better home for him. What he has with you? That's the genuine article, and you take /extremely/ good care of him and the others to boot. I'm sure even a famous boy like him gets awestruck sometimes by how lucky and loved he is. Poor Wisdom though! Like /damn/ hahaha. Tough break, kiddo. Tough break hahaha. That's what he gets for trashing the joint tho. {~J}

chester is the perfect man, it’s true, and wisdom is an absolute brat but he has his moments lol. he’s growing on me, similar to that fungal infection thats growing all over his poor handsome face :( i gave him a special bath for it yesterday, and he LOVED it, he loves being pampered. fifteen minutes of me scrubbing at all his itchy spots and spraying water in his mouth to keep him happy when i have to hose his face, and he looks so lovely clean now!!!!!

i know, i know, its sounds gross lol but it’s really not so bad. we caught it very early and he gets those baths twice a week, so it’s cleared up really well!!! 

it’s simply the time of year, i think. hot and humid, ponies sweating under their rugs, too many of them with stupid injuries - fudge had surgery on two of his legs a few months ago, and he’s about to start rehab; lulu got a.... skin cancer??? cut out of her stomach, and that’s been delightfully gross to maintain; rudi’s vice is flies - he’s very sensitive on his legs, and kicks so hard that he cuts his own ankles, poor boy; nikki went lame somehow and no one knows how or why but she seems fine now???????; and we were SO WORRIED that chester had an abscess in his hoof bc a big chunk went missing out of it, but the farrier came for him today and everything was fine, the hole trimmed out clean and simple. 

BIG SIGH THEY’RE....... SO DIFFICULT. so much to maintain, and rumple is as sick as ever but he’s old so that hardly counts. the only ones who are really maintaining themselves are wyn and louie, and i honestly don’t know how louie does it with how he runs around like a maniac all day. BUT ANYWAY!!!!

3 never did end up coming through lol so i’ll move right on

(and then there were 4) What can I say? Your silvered light dazzles even the sun, and inspires the moon and stars with its iridescent brilliance. It'd be a crime to put someone so amazing on hold hahaha.

i dont know much lol but i know im a saggittarius. i seem to be surrounded by scorpios at this point in my life, and i can hardly find a thing to complain about. you’re all absolutely wonderful, and i always seem to be quite taken with your crew’s company ahahaha. 

rather, im surrounded by water signs in general LOL. my siblings are each pisces, cancer and scorpio, i met a bartender last night who was a scorpio, and kimmy is one too lmao yall are everywhere and im Loving it

(#5 comin in hOt) You were also right on the water-affinity thing though haha. I actually knew how to swim before I knew how to walk, believe it or not. Anyway, that picture is absolute /gold/. It really is. And the prophesy was fulfilled so completely that even Voldysmoldy was blown away. You look dashing, by the way! 120/10 best wrapping paper boob stuffer. On the subject of talking though, /holy hell/ don't tempt me I would /gladly/ talk with you all day without hesitation hahaha

LAUGHS thank you i certainly try my best. my brother’s a good sport, and i somehow feel like a strong mix between him and the sister im now living with (the cancer, if you’re curious ahaha). every day we’ll find ourselves saying the same thing at the same time, and every now and then she’ll give me a strange look and say i sound just like leo, or even that i look like him for a moment ahahaha. 

it’s interesting, it’s strange. i’ve always looked up to them so much (being the youngest and all), so it feels oddly like a compliment, whenever these things happen. 

(#6)(just think, two more of those and you get one of me hahaha). Onto the sleeve tho! The circle maze sounds /fantastic/, and I bet it looks really cool right now, though I'm sure the finished product will be absolutely astronomical. The design you have in mind sounds /epic/! (for real though tatts are so expensive I feel your pain there hahaha)(may the Force be with you I believe in you)(you got this)(you SO got this)(you're gonna kick this resolution's ass). {~J}

lmaoo thank you thank you, i intend to bust so much money on it this year. i still have my lower forearm to design, but i’ve thoroughly plotted out the rest of my arm; the maze is given to inception, the next installment will be vaguely reminiscent of kingdom hearts, and pokemon will take up the space from halfway up my forearm before turning into cc beyond my elbow. so it’s just that part on the back of my forearm that is a bit of a blank canvas rn ahahaha

(holy hell I might need more than 7) I regretfully inform you though that I can't and I shan't cease to flatter you, because you deserve to know the truth of how talented and wonderful you are. And I definitely agree on the balance thing. The devil is in the details and complexity is key, so all the more reason to be proud of how amazing your works are! And /20k/? /Damn/ that's impressive! (and even tho I prefer halloween, I for one will gladly plunge back into the tinsel for you hahaha) {~J}

it’s officially 22k but i haven’t had time to work on it the past couple of dayssssss BUT I FIGURED OUT THE LAST SCENE so it’s only a matter of spare time lololol

(#8 because what's second christmas without snowmen? lol) I'm glad to hear you've got a pretty solid sleep schedule by the way! (and it definitely /was/ worth the discomfort)(still slept like a rock the followin night tho hahaha). I'm really happy that Alma appears to be defying the odds by the way! True to their namesake, and all thanks to their wonderful father. Sheesh. I knew you were dynamically skilled, but this just proves you're magical haha. In your care? I know they'll flourish. {~J}

LOL i am LOVING these message starters btw. yesss tho my family has always been keen on growing things lol. mum had a magnificent herb garden, and i’ve never seen oregano as big as what’s growing in my garden rn. we just planted dahlias where the sunflowers used to be and i wasn’t sure they’d be alright, but they really seem to be flourishing!! im so glad!!!!

(9/9 for the new record hahaha) I'm so proud of both you and them! Not to be punny, but I'm a sap anyway when it comes to plants. or, well, all of nature really haha, and Alma looks really great from the pic I saw! Anyway, speaking of hocus-pocusing, I hope today has been absolutely magical for you, as you deserve no less than the wondrous and the fantastic. Talk to you soon, meu amigo bonito! {~J}

lmfaooo i love that. and yes, their leaves are so cute!!!! so small!!!!! thank u so much tho, the past couple of days have been pretty great. I’m wondering if i can worm a morning off out of my sister, considering she’ll have a day off on sunday and i’ll be working at the cafe from 7 lol;;;; i desperately want to finish starboy, but time really is my enemy right now ahahahaa

thank you so much for all this, i adore you and i hope you managed to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight!!!! sleep well, i’ll see you soon