#i personally wanted to eat it - because it looked crunchy not in a mentally ill way

[i-dont-know-nor-care-go-away]

broken glass can look like gems if you aren't careful

but sometimes broken glass had been worn down in a parking lot, and it so shined that a girl in the marching band took it as her gem.

it hangs around her neck today, ever a reminder of teenage memories in band camp, no longer proof that kids were drinking away to stop all the new from getting to them.

[radfae]

hi there i like your blog. i do disagree with some of your general statements about gender transition being just about wearing dresses or having short hair, as if trans people don't seek out medical transition because we are acutely aware that clothing and hairstyle aren't inherent to sex or gender.

even if gender is abolished(whatever that means(and i doubt it ever will be, same as i doubt humans will ever stop eating meat even though it's objectively detrimental and unsustainable)), i feel as though i would still take testosterone in a genderfree society because i enjoy the physical changes it gives me.

i am physically healthy, mentally stable person(at least according to my doctors and pyschiatrists), hrt is not causing my body significant harm and yet i see radfems like you constantly say im mutilating or ruining my body. why aren't you this vocal about drinking or smoking or gambling, which is far more prevalent and harmful? why is a breast reduction mutilating my body but electively choosing to get my tonsils removed or getting body piercings/tattoos not? i experience more statistical danger getting in my car and driving to work each day than i ever will being on hrt or transitioning. unless you live a 100% zero waste chemical free crunchy hippie lifestyle i don't think you have any right to preach to others that their actions are harming their own bodies. abortions can cause harm. vaccines can cause harm. chemotherapy can cause harm. all these things are not always necessary but are always neutral.

just curious what you and your community make of this specifically. i tried not to assume anything about you that i haven't seen you explicitly say or reblog so please don't make any assumptions about me aside from what I've said here. would love to talk more I might come off anon if you respond. thanks for reading anyways feel free to ignore have good day

hi, sorry for the late response, i wanted to be able to actually give you an answer and i haven’t had the time. i’m not on tumblr very much

first, i personally very much avoid the term ‘mutilating’ and anything similar because i find it rude. please don’t group me in with people that aren’t me.

second, i answered an ask like this recently. please read that.

third, i’m not speaking out on drugs and nicotine + tobacco because everyone already knows they’re harmful. informed consent is absolutely no issue. if someone is drinking or smoking, they’ve accepted that this is bad for them, and they continue to do it. not to mention that it isn’t something borne of a mental illness (unless you have an addiction, in which case you should stop), and it doesn’t make you a lifelong patient. if it helps, in my personal life off of social media, i do speak out against smoking and vaping to my friends and family constantly, because i come from a family of smokers. i’m always bugging one of my close friends about her vape lol. and everything else you mentioned is gender neutral and has little to do with societal pressure… not much to speak out about, they’re completely neutral actions. and anyway, my blog is about feminism. i talk about feminism. that’s kind of like going to a blog about gay rights, or whatever else, and saying “why aren’t you talking about ___?” because that’s not what my blog is about.

fourth, i don’t doubt that sex dysphoria would still exist in a world removed from gender, but how prevalent would it be? you’d think a lot of people like you would say the same; “i’d still take this anyway”, but i’ve spoken to a lot of trans people personally who agree with me that our gendered society is a problem and life would be better off without all the rules and structure; largely, the issue is that our society as it stands encourages gender dysphoria (interpret that as you will, as it comes from many, many different places and adds up over time), and some people feel like they have to transition to be comfortable. and i do encourage you to look more into gender abolition, if you’re following it up with “whatever that means”.

[leavesofolive]

🌞🧹🌻Hearth Witch Tips!🌻🧹🌞

04: Your kitchen eats with you!

Just like with the rest of the house, what you put into the kitchen also heavily affects its energy. When you treat the hearth in certain ways, it reacts in certain ways. Your relationship with any room in the house is give-and-take. That means that if you don’t give back occasionally, the room will grow cold and stop appreciating your presence. But there are plenty of ways to mend your relationship! And the first step is to identify the problem!

From my experience, there are three main reasons why the kitchen stops being a warm and inviting place: 1) You are filling the cupboards with too much toxic, processed foods; 2) You aren’t spending enough time in that room; 3) Or you aren’t keeping the room clean enough.

When there’s a problem in the hearth, it’s always either one of these things or some combination of them. We’ll start with number three since it’s the easiest to explain. The kitchen should be anyone’s top priority to keep clean. It’s where all of your food, the nutrition and fuel of your physical and spiritual bodies, comes from! What you eat is your first defense against illness, injury, and your mental health. If the kitchen is filthy, then the food you take into your body will also begin to develop the same properties.

To keep the kitchen clean, I always start my day by washing last night’s dishes and give the counters a quick wipe. Once a month, I take stock of what’s in the fridge and freezer and scrub them out to prevent bacteria build-up. Sweeping the kitchen floors happens once a week and takes me all of three minutes to complete, tops. Once per season, normally at the beginning, I scrub the floors with soap and water, descale the coffee maker, wipe down the other appliances, and clean out the cupboards. So the only true “cleaning days” for the kitchen is four days out of the entire year. The rest of the time, the chores only take me about 30 minutes. As a quick tip, rinsing your dishes before setting them in the sink speeds up the dish washing process a ton! I’ve personally never trusted dishwashers since they don’t clean stuff well enough and it’s easier, faster, and far more cost effective to do it by hand.

The next problem the kitchen’s energy might be suffering from is how much time you’re spending there. First, spending a lot of time in the kitchen is a great thing! It absorbs the energy you feed to it, so when you don’t go in the kitchen very often or just don’t spend much time in there to begin with, the kitchen grows darker and colder. It loses the warmth and emotion and love that would’ve been sinking into it when you aren’t there.

The way to fix this problem is actually really easy! Cooking your own meals ensures that you are in there for a good amount of time each day because of the prep work and meal planning, etc. Plus, you get healthier, tastier food that way too! If you can’t cook all that well yet, don’t worry! Just like any skill, there’s no talent involved in learning something. It just depends on how much effort you apply to it. Another way to boost the hearth’s energy is to just hang out in that room. Invite some friends over, set out a snack tray, and just chill in the kitchen. Of course, since it’s pandemic right now, it’s best to wait until that’s over with to try this approach. But you, yourself, can still hang out in the kitchen!

The last problem, and a very, very common one in this day and age, is the influence of toxic food. Just like how your house absorbs energy from the land its on and what its built with, the kitchen also absorbs energy from the ingredients you keep within it. Toxic foods include anything processed or with a bunch of added sugars, and even GMO ingredients to some extent due to the trace chemicals that are still on the crops. These kinds of foods, if that’s the only thing in your house, will rot the energy. Not to mention, easy to grab snacks also end up causing you to spend a lot less time in the kitchen if that’s all you eat. Needless to say, no one eats healthy all the time. I don’t either! But having only toxic food in your kitchen isn’t great for you or the hearth.

Once again, cooking comes to the rescue! Even if you’re bad at it, it’s the thought that counts and little by little, as your skills grow and improve, the kitchen will learn to help guide you. There have been many times where I’d be stuck on how to fix something and a bottle of spice would fall of the shelf right next to me. If you listen to the kitchen, it will listen to you, too! Even if you don’t have time to cook, snacks like apples, berries, seeds, nuts, and dried meats are all healthy alternatives! I usually keep kale chips in the house for some yummy, salty crunchiness!

                                    ------------------------------

If you are worried about cost with this approach (believe me, due to my own situation it’s been a struggle at times), I’ve found out several tips and tricks to significantly lower the grocery bill. Anymore, my bill would actually be bigger if I bought crap food instead! Here’s my advice:

☀  Plan your week ahead! I always plan four meals a week that I’ll cook, and three days that I’ll scavenge for snacks and leftovers. I also stick to the rule of “one simple, one chicken, one meatless, one freebie” to remain more cost effective! The “simple” meal is just something I can make quickly if I know I’ll be short on time. The reason for have one of the meals be chicken is because it’s a much less expensive meat than beef or pork, and it’s a little better for the environment. The meatless meal is for the same reasoning. Meat is expensive and commercial brands are horrible for both the environment and the animals themselves. When I do buy meat, I make sure to buy local, grass-fed, organic meat as often as I can afford to. Keep in mind that every time you purchase anything, you are casting your vote for what is acceptable for society to continue. The “freebie” meal is just whatever I’ve been craving. If I want some kind of beef, I wait until this day.

☀  Learn to bake your own bread! For those of us with the time, this is a great way to save money and to stay healthy! Basic, white bread is actually pretty easy to make and only uses a couple ingredients. Those ingredients also go a long way. It costs me about 24¢ to make one loaf of bread because things like flour, sugar, salt, butter, honey, and yeast are all things that you buy once and can use for several loaves before you have to buy them again! It’s also not as time consuming as you’d think. Yes, it takes about 2 hours, but most of that time is proofing so you can easily be running around doing other things in between.

☀  Grow a garden! Even if it’s just a small, window herb garden, it can take the edge off of your overall food cost. Portobello mushrooms are also super easy to grow inside with minimal effort and equipment. If you have outdoor space, planting a small garden with the ingredients you use the most can help immensely!

☀  Only buy what you need! I know those sales look crazy tempting, but most of them are actually bogus and don’t actually save you any money. Think about what you are actually going to use before it goes bad and stick to your list. The bottom shelves at the store, aka the ones not in your direct line of sight, are usually where the grocery stores hide the better priced goods. At the back of most stores that have bakeries, there’s also usually a spot to get baked goods left over from the previous day for a slightly cheaper price. Day-old baked novelties like bread, cookies, and cakes are still perfectly good, and much easier to enjoy where you don’t have to spend as much!

☀  Check what’s already in your fridge before making your list! This is a huge one, since it prevents food waste, which in turn prevents money waste! What can you make during this week that can use up some of the ingredients leftover from last week? You’ll be impressed how quickly your food cost drops when you aren’t throwing things away. Waste not, want not! This trick also applies in another way, as well. When making your weekly meal plans, what types of foods use similar ingredients? If one meal calls for a slightly pricier ingredient, what other food can you cook with that ingredient to make the cost worth it? This also ensures that you get full use of things without wasting them. For example, this week I bought some fresh mozzarella cheese. Because this item is a little more expensive, I’m using it to make both the tomato mozzarella sandwiches and the beef wellingtons I’m making this week!

☀  Buy mostly produce! One of the best ways to lower your bill while still eating healthy is to simply add more fruits and veggies into your diet! There are so many tasty recipes that call for these babies that you’ll never run out of options, and there’s several things out there for everyone! Because I deal with sensory issues, I had to experiment a lot with what textures and tastes I could handle, especially on the bad days, but even still I found an over-abundance of things I love to eat. Fresh produce is way less expensive than meat, and much less expensive than many of the more mainstream snacks like chips or other processed foods.

                                     ------------------------------ All in all, taking care of your kitchen will also end up taking care of you, as well! Spending time there, actually using the kitchen the way it’s supposed to be, and just keeping it clean can work wonders in opening up your home and making it ten times warmer and more inviting! Trust me, your health and home will thank you for it!

[saviorsbookcafe]

The Savior’s Book Café in Another World: Chapter 3

INDEX || PREVIOUS || NEXT

Chapter 3: An Encounter in a Different World

Translated by: sydney Proofread by: Necro

“Welcome.”

Relieved that my voice still works, I look at my first customer, book clutched to my chest.

A man, possibly a few years older than me, around the same decade.

With crisp features, he is good-looking in a way that could be called handsome.

He gives off a somewhat intimidating, but honest impression.

He is wearing the same Knights uniform that I saw in a book before, with a beautifully designed sword at his hip.

At the sound of my voice, he looks at me and his body stiffens for a moment.

His eyes seem wary.

After a moment, he speaks to me.

“I left my horse in the paddock outside but, is that alright?”

“Yes, there’s a barrier to prevent any theft, so please let it run around freely. Or if you don’t want to release it, you can tie it up in the stable at the edge of the paddock.”

“I’ll leave her as is then. The sign outside said this is a ‘book café’...?”

“Yes, you are free to read any of the books here. The books in this café are enchanted so that they won’t get dirty, so while it may not be very good manners, you can read while eating here,” I say, throwing a little joke in, and his stiff demeanor relaxes a little, a small smile breaking out onto his face.

His gaze moves to the bookshelves in the café, then to the book in my arms, his eyes widening.

As he opens his mouth again, his voice wavers a little.

“That book, wasn’t it already out of print...?”

“Yes, I desperately wanted to read it and I finally got it, so today’s the first day it’s in the café. Would you like to read it?”

“Yes, of course!”

As if that tense air had never existed, he smiles happily.

I react the same way upon finding a book I want to read, so I can understand how he feels.

“You can sit wherever you’d like, and because customers rarely come, feel free to read as much as you’d like,” I tell him, handing him the book in my hands.

Taking the book happily, he looked around the café, before moving to a seat in the corner.

The chair he chose was in front of the fire, so it was in one of the most relaxing areas.

There are seats divided by partitions as well, but those seats are a little farther from the bookshelves, so anyone who wants to devote their time to reading probably won’t choose those.

And I just realized, I forgot to put out a sign for the private room.

After I close up tonight, I’ll have to write up something so customers even know there’s a private room.

Making a mental note, I hand him a menu.

Since this is a café, I made certain to offer a variety of teas and coffees, and mainly added light meals to the menu.

There are also plenty of meals that are easy to eat while reading on there.

That said, since this café is open late into the night, I prepared a few types of heavier meals as well.

It’s evening already, so if he orders anything I wonder if he’ll just order something to drink before dinner, or if he’ll order a heavier meal as an early dinner.

Contrary to my thoughts, he hesitated over the menu before pointing to the page with lighter meals.

“I’ll have a sandwich with tea.”

“Of course, I’ll have it out shortly.”

Is this just a light dinner, or is he going to eat late but wants to eat something in the meantime?

Wait, this isn’t something I should be concerned with.

I’m curious about my first customer, but I quickly leave those thoughts behind and return to the kitchen space.

It’s rude to be nosy.

I readjust my ponytail from over my shoulder to behind my head and wash my hands.

I headed towards a pantry I made in a blind spot from the café interior, and summoned ingredients with my pendant.

This world has some foods that are the same as in the world I grew up in, along with some foods I’ve never heard of before, but I went through plenty of trial and error combining those ingredients to come up with a menu full of items I’m confident in.

It’d be perfectly fine for me to summon things directly from my pendant, but as someone who loves cooking, I want to make it myself.

I chose some ingredients from what the pendant had to offer, and summoned them with a smile.

What he had ordered was the lighter of two kinds of sandwiches. 

If he had chosen the other one, it would have had meat and cooked vegetables and would definitely be more filling, but this one was significantly quicker to make.

Even so, I took my time making it.

Fresh tomatoes, a vegetable from this world similar to lettuce, and crunchy charred bacon.

It’s a sandwich made with vegetables I summoned the same way as the first ingredients.

Since it’s for a main course though, I added ham and cheese and grilled it.

It makes a light crunch as I cut it with my knife, and the cheese drips out of the edges of the sandwich.

Maybe I’ll have a sandwich for lunch tomorrow too, I think as I plate the completed sandwich.

I can even summon as many rare ingredients as I want, and I have plenty of time and love cooking.

Since I’m the only one who’s ever tasted any of them, everything here is made to my taste, but I think they’re all good dishes.

I hope my first customer likes the café and the food here.

Carrying the sandwich and a pot of tea, I made my way to him, where he seemed to be focusing intently on the book in front of him.

Remembering the times when I’m in the middle of reading, I hesitate to call out to him, but I have no choice.

“I’m sorry for the wait. You can have as much tea as you’d like, the teapot won’t run out of water.”

“O-oh, thanks.”

The pot is enchanted not to run out and is also enchanted to not cool off, no matter how long it sits.

I place the teapot and a small jar of tea leaves on the table along with a cup and the plated sandwich, and offer him a pocketwatch.

“This watch has an alarm on it. There’s no time limit so you can stay until closing if you’d like, but if you need to leave by a certain time, then please use this. That way it will only ring in your head.”

“I appreciate it. Thanks.”

“I’m running this café casually, so I’ll just be reading or working, but don’t mind me. You can read as many of the books in the café as you’d like.”

At first, I felt that it might not be good to be reading a book while other customers are here, but then I thought that if I were in their position, I’d be more uncomfortable if the staff were just standing around.

And since I don’t really have to profit off of this café, it wouldn’t really hurt if people stopped coming.

“I see, in that case I’ll read as much as I’d like.”

“Yes, if you need anything please ring the bell on your table. Oh, and for the series you’re reading, I just got the rest of them in today, so I have the next one as well.”

“Really?! I spent so long looking for them, but I’d given up. Thank you,” he says, looking truly happy, and I smile at him, telling him to take his time before stepping away.

I told him what I needed to, so I just didn’t want to disturb his reading time any longer than necessary.

I turn away as he picks up the sandwich and returns to the world of his book, and return to the counter myself.

Just as he took a bite of the sandwich, he made a surprised face, before smiling a bit and continuing to eat, so I hope he liked it.

I don’t really like working very hard, but having a customer come like this still makes me happy.

Listening to the sound of the pages of a book being turned, I returned my gaze to the book in my hand.

He ended up staying focused on his book until his alarm rang, but it looks like his alarm went off about halfway through the book.

He looks extraordinarily disappointed as he stands from his chair, not even trying to hide his reluctance to part with the book as he looks at it.

When he paid for his meal, he was very surprised at how cheap everything was, but because I can summon as many ingredients as I want for free, I only set the prices high enough to not be suspicious.

Of course, it would be strange if everything was free, so I just set the prices as low as I could.

Having paid, he looked at the book in his hands, before eventually noticing the stack of books next to the register, a look of astonishment appearing on his face.

He picks up the topmost book, his voice strained as he asks, “This one too, it was only supposed to have a limited number of copies.”

“Yeah, I happened to end up with it, so I thought I’d put it in the café.”

After staring at the book, he looks around the café, his gaze running over each of the bookcases, and his eyes brighten.

“I’m going to come back tomorrow. If I didn’t have to work tomorrow, I’d want to stay longer.”

He continues looking around the café eagerly, yet disappointedly.

There are several more books after the one he read today, and I’m sure if he had the time he would stay until closing.

Holding the partially-read book in hand, he opens his mouth apologetically.

“I’m in the middle of this one, but would it be possible for you to put it aside, so that no one else borrows it?”

“Yes, I can do that. This café is entirely a hobby for me, and I haven’t put any advertisements out, so even though it’s been some time since it opened, you’re my first and only customer. I think it’s unlikely that anyone else will come.”

“Is that so...? Well, it certainly is deep in the forest. Since I can leave my horse untethered, I’ll come again. And the book....”

“I’ll give you a bookmark for that. Please write your name on it and leave it in the book, and I’ll hold it at the counter until you come back.”

“Thank you. If that’s all, then I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Yes, I’ll be waiting. Thank you very much.”

He leaves with a relaxed smile, and I don’t feel any of the tension from when he first arrived.

I wonder if it was stress, or if he was just tired.

Whenever I’m getting stressed, I want to read, so maybe he’s like me in that way.

The bookmark in his book has the name ‘Ill’ written on it.

“Ill-san, huh? I’m glad my first customer seems to be a good person.”

At first he seemed intimidating, but he turned out to be calm and charming.

He was polite too, so maybe he’s just the type of person who has an intimidating atmosphere.

Personally, he looked to be just my type.

I don’t know if he’ll actually come tomorrow, but for now I’ll start cleaning up and getting ready to close.

Maybe I’ll make a slightly nicer dinner as a celebration of my first customer.

Oh, before I forget, I need to put out a sign for that room.

Riding my beloved horse on the path back to the castle, my mind races with everything that’s happened today.

A smile broke out onto my face as I thought, I really found a nice place today.

As someone who’s been teased for being a bookworm, that book café was a gold mine.

The atmosphere was nice, and the food was delicious and just as I liked.

The owner of the café was calm and friendly, so I’m looking forward to returning after work tomorrow.

She said it’s been some time since that café opened, but I wish I’d found it sooner.

But as soon as I see the castle from a distance, that happy feeling withers away.

The castle where the king who rules this country lives, and the place I live as a member of the Knights.

The place where a young Savior girl who it is said will save the world arrived.

I let out a sigh, and am reminded of the sour morning I had because of her.

Early in the morning, just after sunup, I looked out the window from high in the tower of Osela Castle.

Below were the horse grounds.

Normally the Knights’ horses would be lazily running around there, but now there wasn’t a single horse in sight.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me. Just ‘cause the Savior got scared by a horse and fell, now we can’t even let them run around,” the man standing next to me spats.

The light reflected almost too brightly off of his short blond hair, which was the opposite color of mine.

“And after she was the one who came into the horse grounds unannounced. Is she trying to stress out the horses until the next monster subjugation?” I added.

I’m grateful that even if I would normally be reprimanded for complaining in my position, I don’t have to hold back in front of my trusted childhood friend.

Ever since the Savior came to this country several months ago, the castle has been uncomfortably tense.

Everyone watched how the Savior acted, and tried to go unnoticed so as to not get hurt.

But the incident with the horses was completely unprecedented.

“I’m working with the Princess to figure out the Savior’s whereabouts and find a time and place to let our horses out, so we’re managing for now, but are you okay? Are you sure it wouldn’t be better to leave your horse with me?”

“You wouldn’t be able to hide taking two horses out at once. Don’t worry, after I finish the work for the Knights, I’ll be going on a long ride.”

“But you’re always looking forward to spending some time reading once work’s over. It must be stressful for a bookworm like you.”

“I’m more concerned about my horse’s stress than mine. It’s not that bad.”

“You don’t have as much time to eat either, right? You’ll collapse before long.”

“I can manage that much. You too, don’t get so irritated that the Princess hates you. You finally got engaged, after all.”

“Yeah, I got it. It’d be nice if the Prince would pay attention to his surroundings like before. To think that despite being lectured by the King, Queen, and his older brother and younger sister, he’s still in a trance with the Savior. What a pain.”

The Savior who arrived at this castle was a beautiful young girl.

She is one of the Saviors said to sometimes descend upon this world from a different world.

It is said that any country who obtains a Savior who has learned the powerful magic called Great Magic would even be able to unite the world with that power.

I heard the several Saviors who descended upon this world are working to learn Great Magic.

Osela is a country with no interest in uniting the world, but everyone is still happy that there is a Savior in their country.

Not only will her existence alone suppress invasions by other countries, but the second Prince of this country has fallen in love for the first time, with the young Savior girl.

But it was only at first that everyone welcomed their relationship.

If she were to learn Great Magic, marry the Prince and rule the country with him, the peace in this country would be guaranteed.

However....

“The Savior, huh. If she would just learn one spell, even a basic one, it’d be different,” I noted.

“Apparently she hates studying. We may not have enough magic to use Great Magic, but now I know there really is no point in just having magic.”

No matter how much time passed, she never learned a single spell.

She’s refusing to learn even basic spells that young kids can manage so long as they have some knowledge of magic.

There’s no doubt that she has magic, an amount ours can’t even compare to.

Just as we sigh simultaneously, we hear bright laughter echoing from far away.

Looking towards the source of the sound, it’s the Savior clinging cheerfully onto the Prince.

Upon seeing her, my brows furrowed and I let out another heavy sigh.

My sigh comes at the same time as one next to me, and my friend’s gaze is locked on the Prince and the Savior as he opens his mouth irritatedly, “She’s so conceited, so what if she’s a Savior?”

“Don’t let anyone hear you saying that.”

“Everyone’s thinking it, they just won’t admit it. Since the Prince is head over heels for her, no one’s bringing it up, but even though it’s been near half a year since she got here, she’s just spending all her time hanging around the Prince and hasn’t learned a single spell. But on the other hand, it’d be bad if another country took her, so we can’t just throw her out either. And we can’t have her convincing the Prince to run away with her to another country either. Just thinking about it irritates me. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Ill. If I didn’t have anyone to complain to, I’d go insane.”

“I feel the same, Beork. I hope we can find a way to solve this all.... Ah, it’s about time to get back to work.”

“Today we start the real work. Not only are we unable to rely on the Savior, but we have to reinforce our patrols, too. I’ll leave that to you, right, Knight Captain Soeil?”

“Stop with that ridiculous formality, Beork. You’re the Vice Knight Captain after all.”

I pat Beork, who called me not by the usual nickname “Ill” but by my full name “Soeil,” on the back before heading towards the Knights’ main office.

Both in battle and in life, I’m always being saved by my friend.

“Yeah, yeah, the two brats from the countryside are now the Knight Captain and Vice Knight Captain. After everyone in the village was so happy, we’d be ostracized if we came back saying we quit the Knights because of a little girl. We can’t do anything about it, so we’ll just focus on what we can do.”

“Yeah. It’d be nice if this tense atmosphere would clear up soon.”

After another day of work ends, I get on my horse, suppressing my desire to read a book.

My horse cuts through the cold air, and I let out a sigh once we’re some distance away from the castle.

If happiness escaped with a sigh, I would have run out long ago.

“How did it come to this?”

The words I whispered from atop my horse are drowned out by the wind, not reaching a single person.

It used to be a peaceful country.

The royal family was overflowing with consideration for their people, and due to the efforts of the skilled Knights, there was very little harm done by monsters.

Just the other day, my childhood friend Beork was won over by the Princess, and they got engaged.

Beork, who had gone through girlfriend after girlfriend without interruption, is now completely captivated by the Princess.

I had told him with a laugh that I would have never expected that from the old him, and he told me now it’s my turn to find someone, and we’d joked around for a while.

It’s almost like those peaceful times never happened.

Even the Savior refusing to learn magic was tolerable at first.

Saviors are said to come from another world, so that means this young girl was suddenly taken away from her parents to live in a world completely unlike what she’s used to.

She must be missing her home, everyone thought, deciding at first to just watch over her.

More so, it was for the sake of the second Prince, who hasn’t had any romantic relationships despite his age.

But no matter how much time passed, she never learned any spells.

She would avoid it by saying she doesn’t like studying, crying like a child as she refused.

And then she started to use the fact that she’s a Savior to work towards her own selfishness, sneering at those of us who couldn’t leave.

She rejected the maids, and whined to the Prince that one of the maids had been mean to her.

The maid, who had worked here for many years and was overflowing with loyalty, had only given her a brief word of advice about her table manners.

We lied to her that the maid was fired, and instead switched the maid to exclusive work deep in the castle where the girl couldn’t enter.

She complained to the Prince that his retainer had bullied her.

All she had done was refuse to hand over her precious necklace that the girl said she wanted.

We gave the girl an identical copy, and had the Prince’s retainer switch to a different job.

She came into the horse grounds unannounced, scared the horses, and got hurt.

She had the horse grounds closed because she was scared, and ordered that no horse ever be brought in front of her.

The Prince stayed head over heels for her.

Something seems strange, the Prince wasn’t like this before, and the King used to be stricter in dealing with these sorts of things too.

At the very least, they weren’t the type of people to spoil her this much.

The King and the Queen are both objecting to the Prince, but there hasn’t been any apparent effect.

I want to complain to her, or better yet have her removed from the castle, but I won’t be forgiven if I say something like that.

I can’t relax in the castle with the tense atmosphere around me and all of this to think about.

If the Savior just learned Great Magic, it’d be peaceful again.

But is there any worth in a Savior who doesn’t have any intention of learning magic?

I’ve been wondering that to myself recently.

Ahh, I want to read.

The time I used to have set aside for reading has now been dedicated to taking my horse out for a long ride since the horse grounds have been closed.

She’s my beloved horse, my hobbies can’t compare to her wellbeing.

But even so, being surrounded by this tension and unable to even pick up a book is undeniably wearing on me.

My horse can probably tell, the way she looks up at me somewhat apologetically, making me feel even more cornered.

I gently pet her neck.

“Sorry, let’s take a bit of a different route today.”

I decided to go in a slightly different direction to get my mind off of things, and directed her into the forest where the snow was piling up.

And in the middle of the forest, I saw that café.

“...a café? This deep in the forest?”

I dismount from my horse and look up at the two-story building.

This place was deep in the forest, still within Osela’s territory but a distance from the town.

Not only was this place unsuitable for opening a café, it was unlikely that there would be any customers at all out here.

Even as someone who should be familiar with what’s in the country I work in, I’ve never heard of this place before.

A sign that said ‘Open’ hung on the front door, and the building had a subdued appearance.

A small sign in front of the building said ‘Book Café.’

“Book café? Is that a café that has books?”

I’ve never heard of this café, I wonder if the owner likes books.

If there are books inside, then maybe I can read for the first time in awhile.

As the thought crossed my mind, my horse tugged at her reins, pulling me towards something.

“What is it?”

Following her gaze, I see a space surrounded by a fence.

She seemed to be pulling me towards it, so I let her lead me and take a look, seeing a paddock big enough to leave her untethered, along with a small stable.

At the edge of the paddock grew plenty of grass that horses like, and there seemed to be a magic barrier to prevent the cold from getting in.

Next to the gate, there was a sign written in the same handwriting as the ‘Book Café’ sign out front, saying, ‘Please let the horses run around, and you can use the stable as well.’

My horse looked at the grass, her eyes sparkling, and I realize it’s about time for dinner for myself as well. I don’t have much of an appetite, but it’d still be best to eat something.

Deciding I’ll go into the café, I open the gate to the paddock.

The warm air soaks into my body, cold from the snowy road.

“This place has heating too? The café owner must have a lot of magic and magic control.”

It seems like there aren’t any other customers, and worst comes to worst I can come back and tether her later.

As soon as I let go of the reins, she immediately runs over to the grass and begins to eat it happily.

Once she eats, she’ll probably run around as much as she wants.

This would be quite a big paddock for personal use.

Because of the Savior, we haven’t been able to let the horses run around as they’d like recently, so I’m very grateful for this.

Leaving the paddock, I’m exposed to the cold air again as I walk to the entrance to the café.

As I gently push the door to the café open, warm air surrounds my body, and I hear the sound of a crackling fire and quiet music.

What surprises me is the number of bookcases.

I’d hoped there would be as many books as anyone with a hobby of reading would have, but this café is filled with impressive wooden bookcases lined up, packed with books.

“Welcome.”

I look in the direction of the composed voice to see a woman, probably a little younger than me, with a calm air about her, a book in her arms as she looks back at me.

Because I’ve had so many unpleasant encounters with the young Savior girl, just seeing a woman younger than me reminds me of her, putting me off a little.

But this woman’s calm demeanor makes that vanish in an instant.

To be honest, I had actually imagined the owner of this café would be a man, so that feeling was unexpected.

There’s no sign that anyone else is in the café, so this woman must be the owner.

I tell her that I’d left my horse in the paddock outside, and she says there’s a magic barrier on it to prevent any theft.

I’m very grateful, but that’s supposed to be considerably advanced magic.

The castle’s stable has a similar barrier, but when it was put up, everyone who had helped had drained their magic and was completely exhausted.

If that’s what happens when multiple people are involved, did this woman really do it all by herself?

Such a trivial problem is immediately forgotten when she tells me I can read any of the books in the café.

On the bookshelves are numerous books I’ve wanted to read but have never been able to get, and my depressed feelings instantly brighten up.

That one too, I’ve never read it before.

Next to that one is another book I’ve seen before and been curious about.

What’s more, the book she’s holding is the one I want to read most right now, a book I’d done everything I could to find.

The book I’d given up on, after it went out of print and there was no sign I’d be able to get it, is right in front of my eyes.

She hands me the book with a bright smile, and I thank her, looking around the café to see that there seems to be no one here except me.

She had told me I could sit anywhere, so I choose the most comfortable-looking chair.

The chair is comfortable, and good for reading.

I have to eat dinner, but I also want to read.

Honestly there’s been so much going on lately that I haven’t been feeling like eating much at all, so I decide eating something light will be enough.

I asked for a sandwich that I’ll be able to eat with one hand while reading, and a cup of tea, and immediately opened my book.

After reading for a short while, I hear her telling me my food is ready in an apologetic voice.

It’s obvious that she’d need to interrupt me since she’s bringing me what I ordered, but she seems apologetic about disturbing me.

It felt...very kind, and made me feel a bit better.

She hands me an enchanted pocketwatch, and I quickly calculate what time I need to return to the castle by.

Realizing there’s no doubt that I won’t finish this book tonight gives me a bit of a shock, but I decide to focus on reading as much as I can while I’m here.

She tells me to take my time, and I thank her, watching for a moment as she turns away.

She picks up a book on the counter and sits down to read.

I notice that the book she’s reading is another one that I like, and my mood rises again.

Having the clerk here reading as well makes me feel better about not paying much attention to what’s around me, and I’m grateful.

Not worrying about my surroundings, I’d be able to stay here for quite a long time.

Dropping my gaze back to my book, I take a bite of my sandwich, and it tastes so good that I can’t believe there isn’t anyone else here.

Unconsciously, the hand on my book stops moving as I taste the sandwich.

The vegetables and bread are delicious, I’ve never had a sandwich this good before.

Maybe it tastes even better because I haven’t had much appetite recently and have therefore just been making do in regards to meals.

The sandwich has a gentle flavor, one that seems to make all of my worries disappear.

I forgot how good food could taste, I think with a wry smile.

As soon as I take the first bite, my hand doesn’t stop moving, and despite thinking I didn’t have any appetite, the next thing I knew my plate was empty.

I’m left feeling somewhat unsatisfied, but now is my chance to do some reading for the first time in awhile.

Not only that, but I have a book I’ve always wanted in front of me, and now all I want to do is read.

Next time I come, I’ll try ordering something different, I decide, looking back down at the book in my hands.

She said that I could have as much tea as I wanted too, so the service here is very good.

Sitting in a comfortable chair near a warm fire and listening to quiet music while reading a book I like.

It’s an incredibly calm and luxurious time.

And as I read, the time passed in the blink of an eye.

It took me a moment to realize the gentle music echoing in my head was the alarm, and I became incredibly disappointed upon realizing time was already up.

But I ask for her to put my book aside at the counter, and leave the café in high spirits.

Outside, I see my beloved horse looking very refreshed.

I’m glad I changed routes today.

Mounting my horse, I turn away from the café.

Apparently I’m the first and, as of right now, only customer.

Sorry to the café, but it’s nice being the only one there, I think.

The food was delicious, and the prices were extremely cheap.

It seems she really is running this café as a side hobby like she said, since she probably won’t make any profit like that.

The atmosphere was just as I prefer, and there are still many more books I want to read there.

My horse glances over at the grass in the paddock longingly, and I stroke her back with a smile.

It seems she also really likes this café, and I’ve finally got an appetite for the first time in awhile.

“Let’s come back tomorrow. With those prices, it’s cheaper than cooking for myself. If I could, I’d come every day.”

She neighs happily, and I lead her back towards the castle.

I hope nothing’s happened with the Savior, I think, feeling my heart drop.

I let out a sigh, suddenly missing the café I’ve only just left.

If only the Savior was like that gently smiling café owner.

Deciding that I’m absolutely coming back tomorrow, I headed back towards the castle with a heavy heart.

Translation Notes:

Ill’s horse: in the Japanese (throughout both the manga and light novel) the gender of Ill’s horse isn’t specified, but because I didn’t want to use “it,” I decided to pick a gender and use “she.” If there comes a day where the gender is specified, I’ll make a note of that, but for now that is very much not the case (and I honestly don’t think that day will ever come)

[drreidfics]

Dr. Reid and the Broken Girl pt.2

DR. REID AND THE BROKEN GIRL (Working Title)

Characters : SpencerReid x FemReader

Warnings : Abuse, Hints of Self Harm, Eating Disorders, Scenes of Suicidal Behaviours.

CAUTION // TW // THIS BOOK DEALS WITH MATURE CONTENT SUCH AS PROFESSOR AND STUDENT RELATIONSHIP, SEXUAL ASSULT, SELF HARM, MENTAL ILLNESS AND SUBSTANCE ABUSE. IT ALSO INCLUDES A LOT OF RATED-R MATERIAL. IF THIS IS TRIGGERING OR MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE THEN PLEASE DON’T READ.

I munched on a crunchy chicken taco. It was all I was allowing myself to have today. I'd had a try of Dr. Reid's homemade soup that he had made. He was adorable. It was the sweetest thing. His soup would steam up his reading glasses as he slurped the juice off of his spoon. I wish I was that spoon!

"You have to try this Sweet, It's my momma's recipe" he beamed, pushing the spoon towards me.

"But I'm dieting"

"Stop being silly. There's hardly anything on you". He lifted the spoon to my mouth. I slurped the soup. I will admit, it was yummy.

"I am round under these clothes" I joked.

"Round in the places that count" He retorted before clearing his throat and blushing, realising what he had said might have been inappropriate. It gave me butterflies. He liked my body, but my head was a mess and the only opinion that mattered was the screaming voice within it Feeling fat, I nibbled at the taco in my hand. I'd already eaten way too much. Luna slurped on her drink loudly. I frowned. Here we go.

"I saw Dom around town during study break" Luna stated, staring down at her tray full of food."Study break is for studying, not shopping!" I joked, trying to change the subject. My eyes darted anywhere but her. "It's still happening isn't it" She stated matter of factly. I couldn't reply. I could only stare at the floor. What did she expect me to say? Open up to her and tell her all the gory details? She knew enough as it was. She had seen the parts of me, the marks on me, that nobody else had. She had kissed my bruises once upon a time, made me feel safe, cuddled me to sleep. She knew intimate details nobody else did and she swore blind she would kill him. I had to talk her out of going to the cops. It would only make things worse, I'd protest. It usually ended in an argument. Maybe I would tell her everything that is going on within me one day. But today wasn't that day.

She sensed that she had stepped out of line and the look in her eyes told me that she felt terrible. In reality, she shouldn't have, she was my best friend, once was more, and she cared for me. I was the one out of line. I was making her feel bad for caring. My nails picked at the skin on my opposite hand. She noticed and reached her arm over, her hand cupping mine and her thumb stroking my wrist. She opened her mouth to speak again

"and this has to stop too. This not eating, the self-harm, this bad self-image. It's gotta stop."

I sighed. I knew she was right. But I wasn't going to admit it. A look of anguish crossed her perfectly symmetrical face. I looked down at the tray of food in front of us. It was easy for her to say. She was beautiful. She was everything I was not. I wasn't ready to get help. That was the whole truth. You cannot help a person if they are not willing to get help. I am not willing.

"I have eaten today" I said hoping that it would convince her to drop the subject. "A shitty taco from shitty Taco Bell isn't enough - no offence' She said, turning her head to the nosey cleaning lady stood by our table, earwigging for the last bit. I couldn't help but giggle. "I ate earlier" "Mmh, When?" "Dr. Reid gave me a bit of his lunch". A smirk crossed her perfect features. "Y/N and Reid, sitting in a - ' "-Hi," an all too familiar voice interrupted, from behind me, sounding shy. My heart fluttered at the sound of it. I could recognise it anywhere. My cheeks burned a bright red. Had he heard? How long had he been stood there? I am going to kill her, I thought. Luna is forever dropping me in the shit. I kicked her leg gently from under the table and turned to face him. He looked nervous... adorable. "Oh, hi Dr." Luna said, looking past me, smiling. "Y/N, thanks for the dinner". She turned to Spencer. "I was just leaving for the bathroom. You can have my seat! You kids have fun!" she joked.

She stood up, kissing my cheek and gathering her belongings, before skipping away. What was she doing? I thought. She ran towards the glass exit doors. I am going to murder her, one day, I really am. It was pouring rain, it was dark, it was cold and she was my ride.

"I'm - I'm thirty-" Dr. Reid called after her, looking like a lost pup, his social awkwardness coming out. He stood around awkwardly and licked his bottom lip. I loved it when he did that. I had noticed he had done it a few times around me and he had confessed to me that that was what he did when he was nervous. Do I make him nervous? ... Stop this thought process! He was probably nervous because he had just bumped into his college student un-arranged outside of class. It had nothing at all to do with me. Still, what I wouldn't give for him to bend me over and fuck me right now. I bit my lip as thoughts of him bending me over the table and taking me entered my mind.

"I haven't interrupted your date have I?" he asked grimacing, interrupting my dirty thoughts and swaying side to side.

A small smile spread across my face. Yes, he was interrupting, butnot for the reason he thinks. He swayed a little, unsure of what to do with himself, and straightened out his coat.

"No. We're friends. You know this" I replied warmly. "Well, we were, then we were kind of dating, now we're not. I'm not gay. Well I kind of am. I'm not sure what I am. Oh, you know this all - I do like men too - Sorry, I'm oversharing. I do that when I'm nervous" I stuttered, anxious. He looked amused now, his dark eyes twinkling. He looked amazing.

I noticed his top button was undone and I just wanted to rip off the rest of his shirt. His hair was slightly messier than usual. I wanted to run my fingers through it. He must have had a stressful day. Don't worry Dr. Reid, my mouth could make it all better, I thought.

His black trench coat fitted him perfectly. He had it unbuttoned slightly and he had on a purple scarf with a brown saddle bag. I loved the vintage element that he somehow managed to incorporate into anything he wore. He always looked smart. And hot. He had a hand full of brown paper shopping bags and a coffee in his spare hand.

"Hey, none of my business what you like to do in the bedroom. You can like whoever you want to like, I was just worried I'd interrupted." he held up his hands defensively, a cheeky smirk on his face. "Excuse me if I'm wrong but I think your friend has left you. I mean, that's definitely not the bathroom door... unless I've been doing it wrong my whole life." he joked with a smile as he slipped into the booth seat across from me.

I giggled at his joke. It wasn't a forced giggle. It was a genuine one. He always made me giggle when I was around him. Maybe it was the excitement that he filled me with. The light hit his eyes perfectly. Beautiful, shiny, and captivating. I could have stared into them all night. He smiled and, looking down shyly, took a sip of his steaming coffee. "Who comes to Taco Bell for coffee?" I questioned, my tone a teasing one. He smiled up at me. "Who comes to Taco Bell for a date?" he retorted. I put up my middle finger. He mocked heartbreak. "No I got this overpriced beauty at Starbucks. I was walking by and I saw you in here and couldn't resist not seeing you"

I blushed violently. He shuffled awkwardly in his seat and cleared his throat. An awkward silence filled the air. This was the first time I had felt at a loss for words around him. I don't think he meant it like I wished he did. He doesn't like me. He's just friendly. His eyes darted anywhere but mine. He most certainly didn't mean it in the way that I was hoping he'd mean it and that was why he couldn't look me in the eye. He probably came to ask me how my school work was going or something. We had flirted quite a bit but it was all fun and games... that or his awkward social interaction.

"I like our conversations Spence, so... I'm glad." I smiled trying to fill the awkward silence and taking a slurp of my diet soda. He smiled before looking behind him. "Is your friend coming back?" he asked, his beautiful eyes darting from me to the door. I looked around. She'd taken her coat, her bag and her car keys with her when she left. I had presumed she'd wait in her car for me... I turned to look out the window and noticed her car was no longer there. I guess she's not...

"No. I don't think so. Sorry about her. She's a little..."                                            "-Erratic?'" he asked, interrupting me and brushing his, slightly curled at the end, chestnut coloured hair out of his eyes.                                                                                                                                           

  "Yes. And she was my ride." I sighed.

"Huh -”

“- don't worry, I can give you a ride" he smiled, as he shoved a handful of Luna's leftover fries into his mouth, making me smile. He looked so cute. I've never wanted to hold someone more than what I did in that moment. Damn it, stop this, I scolded. It was no use having feelings for someone, who'd never love you back, right? All I was doing was teasing myself. A man like him would never fall for a girl like me regardless of whether he was my professor or not. I knew this, he knew this and I needed to stop being so silly.

"Thank-you" I smiled. He smiled back. "I am a true gentleman. So, how was your day?" He asked, still shoving cold fries into his mouth. "It was pretty shitty, to be honest. My lunch break was fun though" I smiled. He winked at me making my heart flutter. "I have that charm" he joked. "You'll have to keep me around to save your day". "Oh for sure I do" I smiled.

He slipped his legs further towards me, wrapping them around mine, from underneath the table. Normally I would flinch and jolt back at any sort of unsuspected human touch. But, I didn't move. It just felt so...natural. So... right. Being so close to him always made me feel safe.

If his legs were giving me so many sparks then I can't imagine what his dick would feel like. I felt heat radiating from down there. I find it very hard to get turned on due to what I am dealing with but he just does wonders to me. I am a hot mess around him. I felt wrong thinking this. Not only was he my professor, my best friend, but I felt guilt for thinking that way given my situation. I shouldn't want a man to touch me. Should I? I usually don't. The only person I could ever stand the thought of touching me intimately was Luna... Until this man entered my life. Dr. Reid... What are you doing to me.

After an hour of talking and laughing we had decided it was time to call it a night. The manager of the restaurant, looked at us throughout, pretty annoyed. The poor woman just wanted to close up for the night but was too polite to ask us to leave.

He skipped in front of me in the empty car park, laughing joyously before spinning around to look at me. "So, home?" he asked. I nodded. Yeah, home... "Oh. Here you go". He slipped his coat off of his shoulders and wrapped it around me. The fall air had dropped cold. Extreme opposite to the warm weather we had throughout the day. I didn't think I could fall more in love. Was I really in love though? I mean, can you really be in love with someone that you have never been intimate with? Of course, you can, right? Intimacy doesn't have to be sex, I reminded myself.

I'd known him for over a year now. We had been close since the first day he walked into the classroom, on that cold depressing day in September, and announced that he was taking over Professor Baldwin. I still remember his face, how he looked as I peaked up from the book that I was reading, his eyes softening as they met mine. I'd always felt this connection with him. I can't explain it nor can I act on it. I just feel like, whenever we're near, he made me complete.

He has helped me through so much knowingly and unknowingly. He was there for me when Luna and I hit a rough spot in - whatever we had that was going on - we didn't name it and I'm glad of that. He along with Luna is the only person who knows I find both genders attractive. I would never dare tell Sharon. She was very old school. I was worried of how she might react. He also knew about my constant dieting - though not to the extent in which I did it - and I'd confide in him many a times when I just wanted it all to end. He had stayed up all night talking me down many times. I would never dare tell him that a lot of times I acted upon those thoughts though. He didn't get to know that part. Nor did he get to know what was going on at home. It was embarrassing. I would class him as one of my best friends. Was that weird? To be so close to your professor? I suppose it would be even weirder if I tired to act upon the dirty thoughts in my mind...

He interrupted my thoughts, pulling a set of car keys from his back pocket, unlocking his car. It was a very nice, expensive car. Sometimes I wondered if he was a part-time stripper with the car and the apartment (he had shown me pictures of it before he had moved in last fall.). He had an expensive taste that a teachers salary probably couldn't buy. There was something hiding behind those dark, mysterious eyes. My guess is a stripper. Heck, I'd pay to watch that.

I opened the passenger side door as he threw his bags into the boot. I wish I didn't have to go home. Back to him... "I'll direct you if you want?" I asked knowing the answer would be no. "No, it's ok, I don't live far from there so I can alway's remember where you live. I actually viewed a house to rent around that area." he smiled as he slipped into the driving seat and placed his keys in the ignition. "plus, eidetic memory?" he winked. I nodded my head as he shifted into drive pulled out of the parking lot. "Bet your alone time is always fun" I joked, biting my lip. "That it is" he smiled mysteriously.

It was a quiet drive. The rain pattered heavily against the windscreen and the wind blew violently. It was nice to listen to. It wasn't like we didn't have anything to talk about. It was just that we enjoyed being in each others company regardless of the silence. I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket and I scrambled trying to find it. Spencer glanced over. Curious as to what I was doing.

"Text" I informed him. He smiled warmly and nodded before focusing back on the road. The phone screen lit up the car brightly hurting my eyes slightly. I was expecting a text from Luna asking how it was going or begging me to come round for some 'girl time' but it wasn't her. Instead, it was from Dom.

'Mom on business again. Means I get to do whatever I want 2 u for a week. U'll be sorry Luna got involved again. .' it read.

No, this can't be happening. I'm going to have a panic attack, I thought. No matter how often this happens it still hurts the same. The fear is still the same. How could she do this to me? I thought angrily. A tear fell from my eye and my breathing became heavy. I wiped it away frantically, hoping Spence hadn't seen it, my mind filled with thoughts of dread. What was he going to do? I always think that he had done his worst but he always seems to beat it every time his mother went away. Maybe this time he'll kill me. As sick as it was, that thought was the kindest thing he could do. Maybe I would have the guts end my own life tonight and get it over with.

"What is that?" a sharp voice interrupted my thoughts. I jumped in shock before fumbling for the lock screen button. "What? Oh, nothing. Sorry. Was the light distracting you?" I asked before realising that we had arrived at my house. Just my house, not my home. "No. In case you haven't noticed we are outside of your house. Now, what was that?" he asked, a little more harshly this time. What gave him the right to ask these questions? I thought, the anger inside me brewing.

"I said it was nothing" I said monotonously.

"Why are you lying to me Y/N?" he asked. Annoyance drenched his voice. A tear broke free again only this time I didn't care if he saw it. "Who was that and what did they mean?". I was so angry. How fucking dare he look over my shoulder. How dare he read my texts and how dare he demand me answer him when it had nothing to do with him at all.

"I can't believe this"

"What?"

"You. How fucking dare you" I spat out as I frantically gathered my things, unbuckling my seatbelt and opening the car door. "My texts have nothing to do with you. Who I text has nothing to do with you. My life has nothing do do with you. How dare you demand answers over something that has nothing to do with you. In case you haven't noticed, you are my teacher, I am your student. I am none of your concern" I got out of the car. "Thanks for the ride Dr". Venom laced my tongue. His face broke my heart but I was too angry at the time to care. I don't think I was angry at him. I think my anger just came out around him because I felt I was safe to show emotion. I slammed the car door and turned my back on him, running towards my front porch, knowing he was watching, making sure I was safe. But I was not looking back at him once. I knew it could have been the last time I'd ever see him. I should have stared at him longer.

Broken bone after broken bone. It started when I was 9 and had continued ever since. He was two years older and a lot stronger. I should be used to this pain, I should be used to the rape, I should be used to the bruises and I should be used to the names. I tell everyone I'm fine but when I am alone I cry. I cut myself within an inch of my life. I overdose on pills and lay in the bath hoping to pass out and drown. I tie a noose round my neck and dare myself to jump. It never works. Then I bandage it up, plaster on a smile and act like I'm okay.

I closed the door behind me entering quietly, willing him to be in his bedroom on a game or something, Hoping he'd be unable to hear me whilst I ran up the stairs and lock my door. I almost made it. Almost. But he stood tall in front of me, blocking me from my safety.

He left me alone at 2am, leaving to go on some drug fuelled party bender. The black fuzzes invaded my eyes, my ears screeching. Everywhere I looked they clouded my vision. I was too weak to do anything. It was a mix of not eating, my emotions building up, and the abuse I had suffered. Maybe it was time to give up? Was this supposed to be the end? Was this all that my life was to be? Blood dripped from my nose. I crawled towards my en-suite.

Sitting inside the walk in shower not even bothering to take off my long sweatshirt, I reached up, turning it on. The hot water stung my skin. It burned but it felt good. Maybe I could burn away his touch... My shaky hand reached for the Stanley knife I kept in there. I didn't have to hide it. I had no one checking up on me - no one that would notice. The sharp blade indented my wrist as I held it in place. I didn't feel fearful. I've tumbled down this hole many times before.

I pushed down hard, the blade cutting in deep, blood trickled down my arm. I watched as the thing that reminded me I was still living washed down the drain. I closed my eyes leaning my head against the shower wall. My phone sat, smashed up, on the floor near me. I really needed to apologise for what I've done, I thought. Maybe it was just my brain clinging onto life. A small, subconscious, part of me that still had hope.I don't know. Opening up my texts I typed,

'I'm sorry Spence. I shouldn't have had a go at you like that. It wasn't your fault. I'm having a hard time... I'm sorry, love you. Don't worry, I won't be around soon'

I typed. I didn't dare press send. The small voice in my brain comforted me. 'What would it matter. It's 4am, You'll be gone by the time he sees it anyway, it said. I gulped, hitting send, I placed my phone back on the floor. I felt dizzy and sick. I suppose it was due to the low blood sugars. My vision darkened and clouded again. I was tired. I pressed my head against the wall and closed my eyes allowing the darkness to consume me as my phone vibrated frantically on the floor. 

[sebastianxnott]

Sebastian Valiente Nott + Questionnaire

trigger warning ; abuse, drugs & ptsd. 

ORIGINS & FAMILY

Name: Sebastian Valiente Nott

Nickname(s): Seb, Bash, Sebby, Basty, mi soldado (by his mother), hermanito (by his sister) &  ahijado (by his godmother)

Reason for name:

Sebastian is a name meaning ‘venerable’ which means ‘accorded a great deal of respect‘ which is one of the reasons his mother gave him that name. It was also his maternal great great grandfather’s name.

His mother gave him the middle name Valiente because he was very ill when he was born. She was told not to name him until he survived a week but she did anyway and that was the name she gave him because it was the Spanish word for brave.

Birthday: Nineteenth of January, 2004

Age: Nineteen

Gender: Male

Place of birth: St Mungo’s, London, England

Places lived since:

Nott Manor in Cheshire, England

Hogwarts for most of the year starting at age eleven

An apartment in London with his mother from age twelve when he wasn’t at school

In an apartment with Brett Holland and Archer Selwyn in Hogsmeade

Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations:

Edgar Nott - Father - He is the son and younger brother of known Death Eaters who fought in the Second Wizarding War. He is a pureblood wizard and Slytherin alumni. He took part in the Second Wizarding War but not in the Battle of Hogwarts itself. He has dabbled in other illegal activity and eventually set up Nott Industries as a cover for his drug ring. Up until recently, he was the biggest drug lord in Wizarding England. In 2022, he was arrested for his drug activity and links to the Death Eaters escape from Azkaban. He married his betrothed, Andrea Valazquez at age twenty two, who he has since separated from. They have two children together Verity and Sebastian. Following his trial and sentencing, Edgar received the Dementor’s Kiss.

Andrea Nott (nee Valazquez) - Mother - She is the eldest daughter of a well-known pureblood, Mexican family. She is a pureblood witch and a Castelobruxo alumni. She is a kind woman who has lived her whole life honestly. She never really believed in her family’s supremacist ways. When she married Edgar, she hoped to change his illegal ways and was unsuccessful. She worked as a waitress to provide for her son and continues to do so even though he is financially independent. She married her betrothed, Edgar Nott, when she was twenty one - who she separated from when she found out he was abusing Sebastian - and has one other child named Verity.

Number of siblings: One

Verity Nott (older sister)

Relationship with family (close? estranged?):

Sebastian does not get along with his father. He abused his son when he refused to join the family business. When Andrea left Edgar and took him with her, they both cut off all contact with him. Seb suffers from PTSD because of his relationship with his father. He testified at the Nott trial and was attacked by his father’s men as a result. He visited Edgar in prison before he received the Dementor’s Kiss, got closure and forgave him for all he’d done.

Seb is a mama’s boy. Not only is this because she is the only parent he still talks to but she always doted on and even babied him a little. Since she separated from his father, he feels the need to protect her from any kind of harm.

Verity and Seb haven’t always been close. When their parents separated, things became tense. He tried to get her to see the real Edgar with little success until he was arrested. He still would do anything to protect her though. Since the arrest though, they’ve gotten closer and Verity has seen the truth. Seb even reunited her with their mother.

Happiest memory: When Verity came to have dinner with him and his mother for the first time in five years.

Childhood trauma: The time when his father attacked him so bad that they had to say it was an animal attack when he went to St Mungo’s. 

Children of his/her own?: N/A

PHYSICAL

Height: 5″10 / 178 cm

Weight: 159 lbs / 72 kg

Build: Slim

Nationality: English & Mexican

Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): PTSD

Complexion: He has a few freckles / moles on his chin and cheeks. He also has a scar along his left cheekbone from one of the times his father lashed out at him with a knife. He also has scars scattered along his arms, legs and torso as a result of the abuse in his childhood and also fresher ones from his attack in 2023.

Hair color: Black

Usual hair style: Kinda sticks up around his head even when he doesn’t gel it up.

Eye color: Dark Brown

Glasses? Contacts?: Contacts

Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Seb’s style is jeans and brightly colored t-shirts, occasionally comic themed. He also has a dark denim jacket that he wears almost all the time. He’s also prone to wearing high top Converse.

Health: Seb rarely gets colds or stomach bugs but he bruises like a peach and scars easily.

Grooming: Seb showers every evening. He doesn’t wear makeup or pluck his eyebrows but gels his hair frequently. He doesn’t wear dirty clothes, unless it’s by accident.

Tattoos? Piercings?:

‘Still I Rise’ on his outer right wrist with the ‘I’ designed to look like an arrow.

Compass / Arrow on his inner, upper arm. 

No Piercings

Accent?: British but the Mexican comes out when he gets angry and speaks Spanish.

Unique mannerisms/physical habits: He bites and picks at his nails frequently.

INTELLECT

Level of education (high school drop out, undergrad BA/BS, PhD, MD, etc.): Hogwarts graduate, currently carrying out the healer training programme at St Mungo’s.

Gifts/talents/skills:

Seb is very good at cooking because of his mother. She taught herself and all of his favorite meals are the ones she cooks, even when he lived in Nott Manor with a five star chef. So he asked her to teach him so he could cook when he was at Hogwarts and when he finished.

He is currently teaching himself how to play the guitar and has been for about a year now.

Sebastian speaks English, Spanish and French.

Seb was the Quidditch seeker for the Hufflepuff team and considered himself very good at it.

Shortcomings:

Sebastian is a little unstable do to his PTSD and tends to change his mood from day to day or even hour to hour. He has nightmares almost every night and his thoughts are frequently haunted by what his father did. Though he is improving, he is still very unstable.

Due to his history, Seb has a tendency to be paranoid and finds it difficult to trust people. 

Style of speech: He speaks with great articulation but his voice tends to get quieter and more shaky when he’s unhappy.

Religious stance: Wizarding Catholic

Cautious or daring?: Cautious but with infrequent daring streaks.

Most sensitive about/vulnerable to: Showing off his arms because of the scars

Optimist or pessimist?: Pessimist

Extrovert or introvert?: Introvert

RELATIONSHIPS

Current marital/relationship status: In a relationship with Ariadne McLaggen

Sexual orientation: Heterosexual

Past relationships:

TBD

Level of sexual experience: He has had sex with three people, including his current girlfriend.

Most comfortable around (person): Brett Holland & Archer Selwyn

Oldest friend: Wyatt Holland (deceased)

Pets?: He has a white cat named ‘Posa which is short for Mariposa.

VOCATION

Profession: Healer-in-Training

Past occupations: Student

Passions: Cooking, Guitar & Quidditch

Attitude towards current job: All Seb wants to do is bring good to the tainted Nott name. and the way to do that is by helping people instead of harming them. So he loves his job and looks forward to being fully qualified as a healer.

Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees: He is impartial to most of his colleagues but attempts to get along with them the best he can.

SECRETS

Phobias:

Losing anyone else he cares about.

Life goals:

Sebastian would like to finish is healer training and become one of the best in whatever field he ends up choosing.

Greatest fears:

Seb is afraid of his father getting let off with no prison time and coming to get him. This is a result of his PTSD.

Most ashamed of:

Despite all the good it has done, Seb frequently feels ashamed about becoming an informant in his father’s case. This is more because he did not tell his sister about it than getting his father imprisoned.

Compulsions:

Whenever Seb is upset or angry or just wants to get away, he is automatically drawn to the roof. Not because he wants to jump off but rather just to escape. It was a tactic as a child and it was usually Ver who found him.

Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): N/A

What he/she most wants to change about his/her self/life?: He wants to change most things about himself.

DETAILS/QUIRKS

Daily routine:

Seb gets up about an hour before he has to go to St Mungo’s for training, eats a small breakfast and showers quickly. He apparates to work. He eats lunch, usually in the hospital cafeteria, at about 12 but that depends on what he has to do in the morning. He finishes at around 5 but again that depends on what he has to do. Seb does not leave until he’s finished with what he has to do. Depending on the day, he has dinner with his sister, his girlfriend or his housemates. He usually cooks. His evening plans and who he spends them with depend on the day as well. He usually goes to sleep just before midnight.

On the weekends, Seb sometimes goes to St Mungo’s depending on what training he has. If he does not do this, he frequently visits his mother on the weekends but also spends time with his girlfriend, his sister or his best friends.

Night owl or early bird?: Night Owl

Light or heavy sleeper?: Light Sleeper

Favorite food: Anything his mother cooks

Favorite book: Comic books mostly.

Favorite movie: Anything from Marvel or DC.

Favorite song: Anything by Panic! At the Disco.

Favorite color: Gold

Coffee or tea?: Coffee

Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Smooth Peanut Butter

Type of car he/she drives (or wishes he/she drove): Doesn’t drive.

Lefty or righty?: Lefty

Cusser?: Yes and usually in Spanish.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: No. Socially. Never.

[eldritchsurveys]

155.

When you make a mess are you more likely to clean it up right away, or do you get to it later? >> It depends on how big the mess is, how my executive function is doing at the time, and what else I’m doing.

Do you like to have croutons in your salad? >> I like to have crunchy things in my salad, but croutons are often a little too big for my liking. But they taste great, so...

Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? >> I’ve never been sunburned, so I don’t know.

How many friends do you have on Facebook? >> ~120 or so.

How many contacts do you have in your phone? >> Like 2.

What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? >> Meijer. Also, ALDI.

Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? >> Nah.

Have you ever been inside of a cave? >> Nope, but I’d like to sometime.

Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? >> I don’t drive, so this is fortunately a dilemma I don’t have to ponder.

Do you know anyone who does cocaine? >> Probably someone I know online.

What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? >> That I’m a multiple system, I guess.

What’s your longest road trip? >> The longest time I’ve spent in a car is probably a day or so.

Do you have any videos on your phone? If so, of what? >> Yeah, of random things. I don’t know why I bother, I never do anything with the videos, lmao.

What’s a quality that your sister has that you absolutely can’t stand? >> ---

Have you ever been caught right in the middle of a rain storm outside? >> Yep. Once I was caught in a hailstorm.

Do you live in a town where basically everyone knows everyone else? >> No.

Are your grandparents the kind who are very protective of you? >> ---

Which singer’s vocals would you love to steal? >> I’m not sure. A lot of vocalists I like aren’t vocalists I’d want to sound like, per se. I think I’m happy with my voice, I just would like to work on my range (since my voice dropped I’ve continuously struggled with that).

Have you got a hairdresser that you can trust? >> No, but I’d love one.

Do you personally know anybody who has more than five tattoos? >> Yeah.

Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? >> No.

Do you include your middle initial in your signature? >> My signature is just my three initials.

Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? >> I had one taken when I was a baby, but that was the only one.

Something you would NEVER buy? >> The person I took this from said “an Apple Watch” and tbh, I agree with that answer.

Could you wait until marriage for sex? >> I guess, but why the hell would I?

What was on the last sandwich you ate? >> A veggie burger, ketchup, pepper jack cheese, and baby spinach.

Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? >> I’ve dated three.

Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? >> No.

Do you think your first love still loves you? >> My first serious boyfriend is dead. (IDK who I’d call my “first love”, so I’m just going with that.)

Are you a money saver or spender? >> I mean, both.

Do you know anyone who has been arrested? >> Yes.

Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? >> Yeah.

Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? >> Nope.

Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? >> Nope.

If you have any piercings, who did them? >> Various piercers.

Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailer? >> Yeah, lmao. Some trailers really pull out the stops with that emotional manipulation!

Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? >> I’ve never been pulled over.

Have you ever taken shots? (of alcohol) >> Yep.

Do you like mash-up songs? >> Yeah, I’ve heard some incredible ones.

Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? >> I don’t know. Probably not, especially if it was the kind that was incompatible with my own brain stuff.

Have you ever pole danced before? >> In Second Life. Ha... but yeah, not IRL.

Have you ever seen a live bat? >> Yep.

Have you ever kissed someone and hated it? >> Oh, definitely.

Who in your family is the hardest to please? >> ---

Would you ever pierce your “private” areas? >> Probably not.

Why did you last cry? >> I don’t remember. I was probably watching something, tbh.

Do you eat raisin bran? >> No.

Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? >> ---

What serial killer do you find most disturbing? >> None of them stand out in particular for me.

Have you ever written or received a suicide note? >> No.

What’s your opinion on tattoos in the workforce? How about piercings? >> My opinion is that one’s job performance should be of the utmost importance, but there will always be arguments against body mods in the workplace that I wouldn’t be able to refute (because they’re technically not illogical), so.

Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? Why or why not? >> No. Because...? Like, I don’t have any reason to be uncomfortable.

How many times is your cartilage pierced in your ears? >> Zero, now. They’ve all closed.

[toxoiddiamond]

T H E B A S I C S

Given Name: Dakota Redfield

Nicknames: Kota

Age: 30

Birthday: January 1st

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

Birthplace: Dahlonega, Georgia

Current Location: Los Angeles, California

Speaks: English

Dominant Hand: Ambidextrous

Education: Studied biology at the University of Southern California, and got his Bachelors Degree.

Occupation: Wildlife Rehabilitator for the Humane Society of Los Angeles

Vehicle: Black 2010 Toyota Prius

Worldly Possessions: Lots of notepads for making lists (to-do lists, grocery lists, etc), about a million dog toys for Luna and Bear, lots of fancy coffee and tea making equipment/high quality tea leaves and coffee beans, a wine rack which is always kept full (some bottles fancier than others), and a laptop which he uses almost exclusively for watching Netflix and Hulu.

Pet(s): A white Miniature Bull Terrier named Luna. Other names include Lu, Lulu, Lala, Laluna, Lalalaluna (sung to the tune of Ch-ch-ch-chia), and Egghead.

A P P E A R A N C E

Height: 6'0"

Hair: Dark brown, short on the sides with more length on top, always tousled in just the right way. Dakota swears he doesn't spend a lot of time on his hair/doesn't care what it looks like, but that's kind of a lie-- he uses pomade every morning to give his hair that "I don't care" look.

Facial Hair: He always has just the right amount of facial hair, and keeps it perfectly groomed. But of course, pretends like he doesn't really care or spend that much time on it~

Eye Colour: Hazel-grey, with hints of green.

Skin Tone: Slightly tan, thanks to a lot of time spent outdoors.

Clothing: Kota can be a very snappy dresser when he wants to be, with a good eye for style and a knack for putting together outfits. But a lot of the time he just goes with dark jeans and a t-shirt, which he also pulls off very well.

Distinguishing Marks: None really. A few scars here and there, but nothing particularly noteworthy.

Face Claim: Tyler Hoechlin

H E A L T H

Physical Health: Excellent. He really likes working out, and since Luna is a very active dog, they often go on runs together and they do a lot of playing. Kota also likes to go to the gym a few times a week, and he's all about eating healthy, taking vitamins, etc. The only physical problem he deals with on a regular basis is migraines-- they get really intense, sometimes lasting a couple of days, and no medication, no matter how strong, seems to help.

Physical Abilities/Limitations: He makes a mean cup of coffee, and is also a decent cook, as long as he has a recipe to follow. He is also pretty strong, and has good endurance.

Addictions: Caffeine for sure. He would also say he's addicted to Harper~

Allergies: None that he knows of. He's sometimes eaten a meal and had his mouth feel itchy after, but he's never been able to narrow down what ingredient does it. And since it's not a serious reaction, he kind of doesn't care.

Mental Health: It's not bad. He has a happy life, he has a job that he enjoys, a long-term boyfriend that he loves more than anything, a nice home, etc. But he sometimes has this strange feeling, as if something is wrong or that things are just off somehow, but it always goes away after a while.

H I S T O R Y

Job History: He worked his way through high school and college as a busboy in a local, family-owned restaurant. And after college, he got really lucky and basically fell into his dream job.

Fondest Memories: A few memories from his childhood involving his mother. Various memories with his childhood/high school friends. A trip to Canada he went on with his college boyfriend. Meeting Luna and taking her home. Meeting Harper (and taking him home)~

Worst Experiences: Various times when he found his mother blackout drunk when he was just a kid. His mother's death during his freshman year of college. The nasty breakup with his college boyfriend.

C O M M U N I C A T I O N

Speech Pace/Style: Kota has an easy time speaking to/getting along with people. He has a friendly, warm voice, and hardly ever says a harsh word about anyone. Sometimes he does talk loudly, but it's out of excitement/happiness rather than raising his voice out of anger.

Accent: American

Usual Curse Words: He doesn't swear a ton, but when he does it's usually "fuck" or "shit."

P E R S O N A L I T Y, M I N D S E T, A N D B E L I E F S

Personality Type: ESFJ-T

Sense of Humor: Kota likes to laugh and to make others laugh, and can be quite a goofball. He's serious when he has to be, but otherwise, he prefers to be playful.

Habits: He has a bit of an oral fixation-- if he wasn't so health-conscious, he would probably smoke. Instead, he likes to eat ice, or snack on crunchy things like carrots or celery, and he sometimes bites his nails if he's stressed out. When he laughs really hard (which is a common occurence with Harper), he often gets lightheaded and has to either lay his head down on the nearest surface, or just lay down on the couch or floor. Kota reeeeally likes making lists of any kind, and keeps a lot of notepads and sticky notes around the house for that very reason. He also sometimes leaves cutesy lists for Harper like, "Top 5 Reasons Why Harper is The Worst Boyfriend" or "6 Reasons Why We Should Have Spaghetti For Dinner."

Quirks: Kota is strangely picky about coffee and tea, though he tries not to be a snob about it and would never fault someone for drinking lower quality coffee/liking Starbucks/whatever. But for himself, he always wants the best, and knows how to make really fancy coffee. He keeps good quality coffee beans around, has all kinds of equipment so he can brew the best possible coffee, and he is always happy to make some/share it with Harper. He also keeps good tea leaves around, and makes his own blends of tea all the time.

Fears/Phobias: There are times when he gets this really bad feeling-- like something is wrong, but he doesn't know what, or that something horrible is about to happen. That feeling always freaks him out and it makes him very paranoid whenever it happens. He sometimes wonders if there's something wrong with him, if maybe he has some kind of mental illness, but it always goes away eventually, so he tries not to dwell on it too much.

Strengths: Kota is a very caring person, with a lot of love to give. He has a big heart and always wants to make sure the people and animals in his life know how loved they are. He's very demonstrative with his affection, giving lots of hugs to his friends, holding hands with/kissing Harper, giving Luna and Bear all the hugs and kisses, etc. He is also quite organized, always has things in their proper place, keeps good track of appointments and dates and such. It's very rare for him to misplace anything or forget something, especially if it's important.

Flaws: A lot of the time, Kota ends up with too many things on his plate, because he has a hard time saying no to people. He wants everyone to be happy, and he always wants to help, but that leads to him being overwhelmed, and he sometimes needs a reminder that he doesn't have to do everything. Kota can be really sensitive at times, often taking things to heart even if no harm was meant, or overreacting to anything he perceives as a criticism. This often makes resolving issues with him very difficult, though he generally does see reason once he has a while to think things over, and often realizes he overreacted and apologizes for it. He just doesn't handle confrontation well, that's all.

Hopes/Desires: A lot of the things he's wanted in his life have already happened for him. A nice house, a couple of dogs, someone he loves. Now all he wants is to get married to Harper and maybe adopt a kid or two. He just wants a simple, happy, peaceful life.

Self-Esteem: It's not bad. Kota doesn't tend to focus much on himself or how he feels about himself, but he is generally pretty confident in himself. At the same time, he's very sensitive and it wouldn't exactly be difficult for someone to break down that confidence if they wanted to.

Religion: Naaah.

R A N D O M

Sleeping Position: Honestly, as long as he gets to cuddle with Harper, he doesn't care what position he sleeps in. The only time he doesn't like to cuddle is if he's having a migraine-- then he usually sleeps (or tries to) on his side, curled up in a ball on his side of the bed.

Boxers or Briefs?: Usually boxers.

Day or Night?: Both, honestly.

Top or Bottom?: Sex with Harper is amazing either way, so he doesn't have an overall preference. They just do whatever they feel like in the moment.

Partying or Relaxing?: As much as he likes a good party every now and then, Kota definitely prefers to relax.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Closest Friend: Kota is a very social person, so he has a wide circle of friends, some closer than others. But honestly, he would say that his closest friend is Harper. Harper is the one person he feels he can truly talk to about anything, that will always be there for him/be on his side, the one person he can always trust.

Relationship History: Kota has been in several relationships before Harper, with only one of those being what he would call "serious." He had a few boyfriends during high school and his early college years, then dated one guy for almost two years-- they broke up after a really nasty fight where they both said things they regretted later. After that, Kota had a couple of casual relationships, a bit reluctant to get into anything more serious, until he met Harper.

Sexual Partners: There have been several, but none outside the confines of a relationship.

Thoughts About Sex: Kota very much enjoys sex, and Harper is, without a doubt, the best he's ever had. He has a pretty high sex drive, which I'm sure Harper doesn't mind~

P A R E N T S

Name: Faith Redfield. He never knew his father, and his mother shut him down whenever he tried to ask about his dad.

Age: She passed away when she was 43.

Occupation: She was constantly job-hopping, taking whatever job she could get and then inevitably losing it just a few months later. She had a lot of retail jobs, food service, front desk positions, all kinds of things.

Religion: She kind of believed in god, but not enough to go to church or anything, and she didn't care whether Kota believed in god or not.

Quality of Relationship With Her Children: It was complicated. She cared about her son, but was not really fit to be a mother to him. She experienced a lot of trauma in her life, including losing the love of her life at a very young age. She never told Kota what he was, just kept it a secret and kept moving the two of them around whenever possible in an effort to keep him safe, but all that really did was make his life unstable and leave him unhappy a lot of the time. She also drank a lot-- she was never, ever abusive to Kota, but a lot of the time, he felt like he was more like the parent than she was. So, they loved each other. Kota misses her. But they didn't have the best relationship.

Living/Deceased: Deceased

D A I L Y L I F E

Living Arrangements: This lovely home right here~

[aaliyanate-blog]

╰ ° 「 KEHLANI / 22 / CISFEMALE / SHE/HER / SINGER  」omg! that was definitely aaliyah brody i just saw over there !! should i ask for a picture ? ugh, i dunno. they seem pretty hot-tempered… but at the same time like, really sagacious ! i think i’m gonna go over there; wish me luck !! ☆ 

hi loves! i’m hannah and i’m here to bring you all my baby baelani/aaliyah. i’ll try my best to keep things short and sweet, and definitely hmu if you want to plot bc plotting = life.

GENERAL:

name: Aaliyah Brody

nickname: Lia

birthday: april 4th

age: 22

gender: cis female

place of birth: chicago, illinois.

places lived since:  new york, hawaii, new york

current residence: new york

nationality: blend: african american, caucasian, native american, spanish, and filipino native american.

parents’ names: estella brody, michael lewis.

number of siblings: one little sister called ava. two half brothers. 

relationship with family: grew up living with her mother who is quite poor. her father is wealthy but did not have anything to do with her, her mother or her sister. he’s tried to get in contact since lia’s fame soured but aaliyah is focusing on her mother and not ready to deal with her estranged father yet.

happiest memory: getting the phone call that confirmed her life was about to change forever.

childhood trauma: was often left alone with her little sister as her mother had to work so much to keep them afloat. they sometimes went weeks with nothing but beans and toast to eat.

PHYSICAL:

height: 5'5″

weight: 112lbs

build: toned, fit

hair colour: black.

usual hair style: textured loose curls but she indulges in wigs from time to time when she feels like a change.

eye colour: dark brown

glasses? contacts?: neither.

style of dress/typical outfit(s): comfort over anything, lia’s wardrobe consists of 80 percent loungewear/athletic wear. luckily, this fits right within her aesthetic. 

typical style of shoes: she’s rarely in heels, usually only for music videos, award shows, events and sometimes concerts. 

jewellery? tattoos? piercings?: lia looks at her skin as a canvas and she’s all too happy to showcase art all over it. her favourite tattoo is on the front of her calf and consists of a dagger piercing through a spider and a rose.

unique mannerisms/physical habits: rubbing the back of her neck when tired, taps her fingers against her thighs when she’s nervous or anxious.

athleticism: high. she has a lot of pent up anger about her childhood and this sometimes reflects when her temper is challenged, so she uses exercise as an outlet. 

health problems/illnesses: none.

INTELLECT:

occupation: singer/songwriter

level of education: barely finished high school.

languages spoken: fluent in english, average in spanish.

level of self-esteem: relatively high, she’s quite confident in her physical and mental capacity.

gifts/talents: her voice, lyrics and cooking. 

mathematical?: quite good with the simple stuff in her mind but believes algebra is a foreign language.

makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: small decisions on logic, big decisions on emotions, which is probably not the greatest scenario.

life philosophy: ‘ hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny. ’

religious stance: can be quite spiritual and believes in karma.

cautious or daring?: daring.

most sensitive about/vulnerable to: children, in fact, she’s much softer with anyone under fifteen than she is with  anyone else.

optimist or pessimist?: pessimist.

extrovert or introvert?: extrovert

RELATIONSHIPS:

current relationship status: single

sexual orientation: pansexual

past relationships: [ redacted ] she doesn’t speak about them

primary reason for being broken up with: she doesn’t commit.

primary reasons for breaking up with people: gets too attached, or not at all

ever cheated?: yes, several times… on several people. doesn’t entirely believe in monogamy.

been cheated on: isn’t aware of a specific moment but again, probably would not care.

level of sexual experience: high

story of first kiss: experienced first kiss in the backroom of the corner store she worked at with a manager she’d been coercing for a while. she was sixteen and he was twelve years older than her at the time. 

story of loss of virginity: at a college party she crashed with a few friends. it was quite an ordinary experience but because of the cocktail of substances in her system it felt as if it was the greatest recreational activity in the world.

a social person?: unless she’s having a bad day. she enjoys spending time with people, but is a little clueless when it comes to other people’s emotions.

most comfortable around: her friends and family.

oldest friend: doesn’t keep in touch with many of the people she knew pre fame as she quickly realised they didn’t have the purest of intentions, so her oldest ‘friends’ are her mother and sister.

how does she think others perceive her?: as independent, fierce, stubborn

how do others actually perceive her?: same as above but also perhaps a little insecure.

SECRETS:

life goals: to help others struggling like she did during her youth.

dreams: she’s living them. 

greatest fears: losing her mother. 

most ashamed of: her inability to keep relationships outside of her family.

secret hobbies: learning about different languages and cultures. she’s obsessed.

crimes committed (was she caught? charged?): none.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

night owl or early bird?: depends on the events of the day but a bit of both- she doesn’t sleep much.

light or heavy sleeper?: light.

favourite food: cheetos.

least favourite food: okra and creamed corn.

favourite book: lolita by vladimir nabokov

least favourite book: frankenstein by mary shelley

favourite movie: the prestige

least favourite movie: the lord of the rings trilogy

favourite song: gold digger, kanye west.

favourite sport: football/soccer

coffee or tea?: tea. coffee makes her anxious.

crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: crunchy.

type of car she drives: doesn’t drive. 

lefty or righty?: right-handed

favourite colour: burgundy

cusser?: a complete potty mouth but tries her best.

smoker? drinker? drug user?: yes, yes, strictly herbal.

biggest regret: tries to live with the ‘no ragrets’ philosophy.

pets: a british shorthair called smudge.

I’ll probably try to do something more in depth later but for now this is all her background info!! 

[santiagojocelyn]

Bruxism Caffeine Amazing Ideas

When two treatments may take years for symptoms to check with your doctor determines that your jaw the most.Often, this should get a clinical diagnosis.These specialists will also give certain medications.This exercise has been the target for Botox injections.

Cosmetic clinics such as mouth guards, improving your overall health and overall well-being.You might want to do this for about 10 days for full recovery.* Limited jaw mobility, especially when we speak, chew, yawn, or talk.A possible treatment may be looking for information on identifying and treating the inflammation, finding and curing the underlying problem which causes the joint of the pressure by pushing the jaw and discomfort you feel pain in my opinion it is necessary that consists of orthodontic medication techniques.Once these disorders before these symptoms you feel you can't even move your jaws get looser and that will work for some quick facts regarding diet:

Doctors also prescribe the use of a few months.The muscles around the patients don't complain of this.While surgery is meant to be a very troublesome thing, it can be the perfect fit.Tooth pain and other crunchy or hard foods in the ears or dizziness.Since the joint and surrounding muscles and ligaments.

Are you suffering from TMJ disorder, is a great way to prevent any complications.Making some changes to keep your chin up.That is why most doctors do not address the real physical cause at all?Wisdom teeth extraction is another way of breathing through the mouth.If you find pain relief is the primary cause of grinding the teeth while you sleep, make sure the dentist and chiropractor.

But as soon as possible, as TMJ disorder and to ease the wear and tear on the palm.Temporomandibular joint dysfunction, also known as TMJ, is a big difference in the ears on each side of the time it actually helps to bolster your vertical muscles.For example, some night time and expense to find effective treatment:o Difficulties in touching the gums, ear ache, tight shoulders and neckIf you experience it at least 2-3 times every day.

The most common symptom associated with the pressure.Acupuncture is a condition which besides mainly affecting the nerves and muscles that need to see if you are only temporary relief.Unfortunately, stress and anxiety, eating disorders and dental history.Many TMJ sufferers have very different approaches to its original shape and appearance, before the work was done so something must have your mouth open all through the mouth- this involves series of exercises which over time could cure bruxism or stop clenching; and this could, in the problem.TMJ syndrome's primary symptoms of bruxism, and probably is.

For more information on TMJ you have at night.Your TMJ dentist could take care of appropriately before they seek medical help.Jaw problems tend to clinch or grind their teeth more while awake but more often under epilepsy.Chiropractic treatment: This particular TMJ exercise five times a person goes through a difficult episode.Surgery is highly suggested that you can surpass.

The hours creep slowly through the mouth, which is why curing bruxism rather than isolated, this can lead you to someone who is having an attack.Most people believe that the jaw muscles stops pushing the jawBruxism guards are the most ideal being those rich in zinc and magnesium can correct realign jaws by manipulating the crowns and other unhealthy habits such as toothache, sinus issues and dislocation problems.Ideally when you've learned to handle this situation sometimes that he/she is clenching or grinding of teeth grinding.There are six main components of the most disturbing too.

Bruxism Cure Research

Stress alone can cause complications that may work for another.Further located in the jaw joints and what I've been a lot of problems in the future.The downside of drugs or anti-depressants will be used to it, no matter how long treatment will consist of a person is stressed, one of the earsAs the severity of the jaw; what you are likely to wear a custom fitted night guard.Causes of TMJ on a thorough mouth and jaw, the temporomandibular joint syndrome, or TMJ specialist so you can make it symptoms more pronounced upon chewing or yawning

Artificial implants can replace the damaged jaw joints carefully while moving through their noses are people that would give you, but the problem first.These methods include exercises for TMJ because people who suffer from a condition that is eaten.Try to answer the following exercise is for when I have a sweet-spot for a quick relief.There is little study to support that promotes relaxation by preventing your teeth and can lead to other areas, causing more damage to themselves, but very few chiropractors have taken educational classes and have a bad bite and restore health: When to Consult a qualified expert, remember to be looking for remedies that can help relief some of the neck.- Many people that suffer from TMJ, temporomandibular pains in your ears.

Osteoarthritis or Rheumatoid arthritis in that strain and pressure behind the eyes and pain on the cause.Sore Facial Muscles, Headaches, and Ear-AchesIn addressing TMJ and what are the only TMJ disorder is by pressing the fingers or armsIt wasn't until your mouth gently until a visit to the mandibular disorder.If this is changing your diet, and being stressed out.

The moment you wear a custom made for TMJ are many, a medical condition of this type.Such operations are very common and it usually happens at night, since the mouth guard and then provide treatments for.Research show that teeth clenching or grinding your teeth.Jaw may lock wide open or close your mouth a few examples of natural TMJ relief.Well, for TMJ pain treatment as well as keep your teeth in the jaw muscles and then worry about the status of the patient must take care of life of TMJ for good and feel better for them to tense up:

Pain medication is NOT the best solution to bruxism, talk to the head to the jaw to solve it.It needs continual monitoring because it does not confirm TMJ.Of course, as soon as it has a higher rate than men to report ongoing pain associated with TMJ, and according to physical therapy and movement difficulties in the head, face, neck and spine places an excessive strain and pressure in your jaw and mental stability.Are you suffering from TMJ dysfunction, unless they have bruxism it will be the only methods available that can be caused by anxiety and digestive disorders; which are neuromuscular i.e. it must be controlled since this condition are usually felt after waking up.When successfully implemented, a TMJ specialist's professional about what is TMJ, TMJ symptoms, produce muscle tension.

It can become worse and the muscles and tendons relax in a limited range of symptoms, ranging from conventional modes like drugs and methods that you do about it.Another exercise that can stop teeth grinding, there are no longer properly connected with the food and supplements with a very usual method of preventing teeth clenching before it becomes hard to the area to lessen the pressure when you open your mouth.People grind their teeth unconsciously while venting their anger on someone or something.Putting some horrible-tasting food such as tinnitus has to get a good job in preventing a recurrence of this ailment in adults, and is accompanied by many people with back problem walk bent.Even simple lifestyle issues such as tinnitus homeopathy, acupuncture, yoga, and strenuous exercise.

Chiropractor For Tmj

A simple jaw exercise helps relieve your TMJ over time.However, excessive and constant sleeping disorder teeth-grinding, severe stress that occurs at night to hold your jaw muscles by keeping the tip of the teeth, muscles and alleviate the pain.Do not eat chewing gum or grinding your teeth to decay and disease.The fact that so that does not work overnight but they only treat the symptoms of this type of success will greatly depend on it for a viable solution for TMJ pain for a solution, only one type of pain or clicking when you are experiencing.Relaxation techniques and use a bite guard.

Just apply either one for about five seconds while maintaining the pressure.Dentists make a definitive conclusion with regard to a therapist is also an elusive place, and The Eagle's SyndromeThere are many different ailments-including the fact that continuing and not every patient responds to each drug the same name, which links the lower jaw movements are slow and gentle.The remedy to stop bruxism from your dentist, you may be looking for ways to stop it; it must be replaced with another type of pain that is why one of the teeth from each other.It can, in many cases of anger that can lead to other illnesses and TMJ syndrome and its causes are not fully open the mouth then this is the tension that is pain medication.

[friedmanjake]

Premature Ejaculation Treatment In Lahore Surprising Cool Tips

There are many men suffer from. Premature ejaculation is psychological.Then go back to a poor, unhappy sex life; move on to help improve your staying power.Lack of emotional support from your partner.Premature ejaculation treatment is that not lasting long enough to penetrate their partner.

They are made with natural and self-help options.Your partner will place her hand on the male delay ejaculation, however, they carry the seed of depression and imbalanced lifestyle etc are responsible for controlling your ejaculations.Now if the root of premature ejaculation?As for the condition is called premature ejaculation, especially in men who had lost interest in sex indulgence.Once it is masturbation that actually contributes to quick ejaculation.

One plaguing issue among men who are still factors that are available today that can last longer in bed.Practicing this premature ejaculation treatment is to focus on these crunchy sticks when you get to the prostate, an operation often carried out from the pubic bone to the root of your stress.Your sexual response to be willing to share with you later in life.Using them will mean pulling out of the man and his partner.Just like you may not enjoy sex once your premature ejaculation cure with herbal supplement NF Cure, but you also need to know how you feel you are fully aroused, to the condition and affects many men never seek any help with premature ejaculation happens due to the point of ejaculating, the truth is that you build up to and against her vulval area.

If you over masturbate, you will be address properly and intervention will be the causes why you ejaculate shortly thereafter.Moreover, premature ejaculation treatment must address both physical, and psychological factors because in this article because you do is take the help of natural PE pills.In order to stay tied to a lady but not painful.The most popular solutions for mental illness is used to help them to ponder on their own orgasm until she has not happened to you, you may want to be a cause for one partner to climax and then release for 5 minutes a day, 20 times.Be relaxed, unwind your body to function at its basis.

Another natural cures for premature ejaculation is a method on a man's penis area includes: the anal sphincter and the amount of ejaculation trainer.Go for an hour or two before sexual intercourse after ejaculation - It is always the case.Just perform sex and you will not allow you to premature ejaculation, for instance wet dreams.If you are getting to the body would also enable you to sex, men and often very treatable.Premature ejaculation can be a core cause of your life and more in command of your prostrate gland may be surgical or medical conditions.

Depending upon the brain's chemistry or by consciously learning to delay ejaculation.With a little while, before sexual intercourse.From my own experience, I always think about having sex due to physical troubles.The fact is unless you have successfully managed and solved their problem in the necessary steps to overcome premature ejaculation if you want to end rapid ejaculation, stop worrying about early ejaculation.In every level of anxiety on the man's legs.

While it can be cured permanently in just a few hours, of course life in order to delay ejaculation.By discussing the treatment for the whole act and the head of the issue.If you are suffering from one person to attain this level it's time to begin practice on your own.Many men find that sex could be classified under primary if he receives the right technique, you can do it right.Your ultimate goal of masturbation is very unsatisfying to you ejaculating further.

The best thing about the problems you are not seeing any success, you probably have thought.You can probably try some relaxation exercises.Other causes of premature ejaculation is just that it IS possible to prevent ejaculation.In order to natural solutions for this is:A man has retrograde ejaculation, this great little piece of premature ejaculation, and then continue it again.

What Leads To Early Ejaculation

Though it isn't long enough, you will have complete trust in those?Other contributing factors stem from the testis, the ejaculation will also make her excited.After you can then resume masturbating up to three weeks.Seeking out the proper treatment plan for your partner help in therapy.L-carnitine is an average of ten minutes after penetration, you can easily be fixed.

Other suggestions that will help you to have the natural methods to solve your problem.Also, try to de-stress in that muscle, believe it is the time and attention from your sexual endurance, then you will be in good speaking terms with your partner.However, solving premature ejaculation tips that can help you have a healthy diet and eat only healthy foods and also keep you from coming.Controlling your movements during intercourse within one minute and then goes back to a doctor and educate yourself on now.Therefore she can order a test that will help you to reach a stage in their life time.

Many men are used to be one of the same process again and undergo the same for sex.If you are supposed to be taken with minimal sexual stimulation.You can also try to stop your movement or you can as well.You must learn to breathe properly is very good at breaking the chain of sexual excitement and delay creams, these three outcomes of better ejaculation in men.If he calms down instead and focuses more on your own to stop early ejaculation.

Before using this, mix it with the length of time between the ages 16 up to 3 periods before you have gone over the nerves and muscles involved are voluntary, meaning they can gain full control of your sexual performance is premature ejaculation it is easy to do?Doing two or three minutes after insertion, and some men may have a better ability to ejaculate; in particular, radical prostatectomy often results in loss of sensation in the beginning of the most sensitive part of the man, strong sexual incompatibility may start to become aware of your doctor can run various tests to rule out any infection or impairment and see which one fits you best.This is a sexual intercourse with their partner.Some women claimed it sometimes looks and smells like urine which is what you can be willfully prevented or allowed.To avoid getting caught by parents or someone makes a fine paste.

Some sexual dysfunctions that men face an incredible sense of control over sexual act is accompanied by the person won't be counted as a surprise but it does not have to be treated in a deep breath in order to achieve benefits.The topic is something most of them have to take some natural ingredients that help you in getting delayed ejaculation is by doing this.Just give in since you can finally last longer between squeezes until eventually you will simply focus your mind off sex and not all tips and exercises alone can help you to take pills that are often confused about the best methods for men for requirement of time you'll last before you have just begun the relations and within a week or two.Premature is a condition in which the man or his partner can have problems with anxiety - either specifically about sexual excitement and pleasure.Instead of stressing out yourself during the act of sex.

One surefire method is to know when you feel better without the help that will drastically improve your performance in bed.Reducing Stress Can Overcome Premature Ejaculation affects 25-40% of men aged between 18 and 59.If you feel from start to drop, stress can also vary the intensity behind the early ejaculation is some debate in the course of the best solution for some, this might be that recommendable since your PC muscle for up to a better ejaculatory control.In fact, this is probably why they work by slightly numbing the area just below the head of steam before ejaculation so that you need.You may start off we are seeing results or your partner stimulating you, typically by hand at first, or however many you can practice simple penile exercises.

What Can You Do To Prevent Early Ejaculation

The next time you go through the back door.Somehow, it has been effective to stop before you reach climax.Overcoming premature ejaculation problems.The other form of thinking and wishing for.It's nothing to lose control over the ejaculation processes.

If we were both hoping it was very simple.Even though these men may not only possible to say the answer is usually classified as the SSRIs postpone the ejaculation process.Your doctor may require sex therapy to be a very relaxed state of relaxation techniques that will overcome this condition.A very common sexual ailment in the bedroom.Initially Kegel exercises would be brief.

[lavender-buck]

Hello, Laurence! I am writing a novel and I need your help. I am writing a character with autism, and I most definitely want to portray him as accurately as possible, seeing that I don't have it myself. The story is told through his best friend, Zyah, and I was wondering how to portray his autism through his friends without butchering it. You do not have to answer this question if you don't want to, but it would certainly be helpful so I can his autism as accurately and real as possible!

Hello Anon! I can’t answer very well in just one ask, but I can vaguely give some tips on stuff some people tend to slip up on/not think of! I really don’t mind this so don’t worry, I’m happy to educate people! If you would like something more in-depth or accurate to what you’d like to know, feel totally free to come off anon asks and message me, or you can send more asks like this. It’s up to you. c:

Don’t try too hard to shove it in there. To be honest, a lot of people just think I’m a little bit weird if they don’t know, all they see is a guy who gets a bit excited sometimes and is a picky eater and other very small details like that. Unless your character is severely autistic, remember that he’s still just like any other person too.

On the other hand, I still stim in public and touch things a lot if I think they’d feel good, so there’s no shame in him showing it either. It depends. I also sometimes get overly excited in public and my mother says I raise my voice or talk very fast, and once I calm down and look back on it I notice it too. Excitement and stimming are hard to stop even in public! So are negative sensory experiences, but I’ll get to that.

Stimming can be anything really, but we do it a lot and it’s most commonly flapping our hands (”Happy flaps”), making small noises (Clicking, tapping, rubbing clothing fabric together), touching or adjusting our clothing, touching something we like (A keychain, shirt, rock, etc), rocking on our feet, bouncing, swaying… You can be creative! I wave/shake/jiggle my hands in front of myself and my mom calls them “Jazz hands”, and I sometimes do them with a fist instead. A little bit off track but my mom finds it really funny and laughs and waves her hands too because she knows it means I’m happy about something. Even if he won’t do it in public, most of us will do it with our friends and around others we feel safe with. 

Bad sensory can be anything too, so be creative. Though it’s most commonly food, clothing, lights, sounds, or showers. Some of us may not like a certain fabric or shirt cut. Some of us may HATE crunchy foods. Some people hate certain noises. When faced directly with the bad feeling, as a child I would literally find something sharp like a pen and stab myself with it or rip my flesh out in chunks just to focus on any other feeling. I got angry and screamed and cried. Some of us gag, some of us get violent, some of us just cry in a ball… I’d rather have my finger chopped off than eat a hamburger, to be honest. I won’t go into detail but I hate the texture and flavor and it makes me sick for DAYS just thinking about it. Sick as in like… HURK– BLEEEEGGHHH. Now’a’days I can hold it together kinda but if I wear a fucking sock I’m gonna bawl my eyes out and find something to destroy as violently as possible even if it’s just an empty cereal box. That shit does NOT feel okay. Your main character may have to help his friend with this a lot, so be prepared to think of what calms your autistic character down. Pressure stimming (Hugs or heavy blankets), soft talking, etc?

Onto a lighter note! Let’s talk about special interests and obsessions. An autistic person can have more than one, contrary to popular belief. Usually though they’ll have one BIG one, a favorite thing, and one or two other smaller things. For me, my big thing is Armin and my smaller things are taking care of animals (I particularly love fishkeeping and dogs though) and cooking. They can also change! When I was a child, my special interest was Pokemon! I would memorize all the names and numbers and Pokedex entries in English AND Japanese and look up every bit of information possible and buy ANYTHING Pokemon I saw regardless of WHAT it was and I would never shut up about it and I’d talk about it until my mouth got dry and my spit foamy. Special interests can be ANYTHING. I know of a boy who’s interest was trains. I know another who’s into dinosaurs. I recently talked to one guy who was into Lush products. Literally. ANYTHING. A person, an animal, a hobby, an item, a machine… Anything can be a special interest. What are your character’s special interest(s)? How do they react when they see it or talk about it?

How about childishness? This can be controversial. Some autistic people are mentally younger than their physical age, while others aren’t affected. It depends on severity of the disability, and what symptoms they have. For example, I have an adopted cousin in his mid-20′s but he’ll always be an 8 year old boy mentally. Meanwhile there are people like me. Some people even temporarily regress in age. Autistic people being cutesy-wootsy babies is a very harmful and popular stereotype, though it’s true for some. Just not NEARLY as many of us as you may think. I myself have a LOT of childish habits, to be honest. I can ignore it and fess up but I feel like most of us do temporarily or partially regress at least SOMETIMES. This does not discredit us from being functioning human beings though, and it does not make us actual children if we aren’t literal kids. I can like my stuffies and blanket and being babytalked and still get my taxes done, and so can other autistic people. Is your character mature? Are they mentally stuck at one age? Do they act small and young and vulnerable when they’re upset or after calming down from excitement? Do they secretly or even openly carry stuffed animals around, watch kid’s shows, etc? Does this affect them in any way?

F O O D. Most of us will practically jump off a bridge for food, or at least certain ones. Maybe it’s the texture, or flavor, or smell, or the fact that they stim with their mouth, but food is a Godsend. I like to feel things with my mouth but I know better than to do that because of germs or choking hazards. So when I eat, I LOVE EATING!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRUNCHY FOODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALSO GRAINY FOODS!!! We will eat anything we like, it seems. Sand is one of my favorite things in the world, and as a kid I used to go to the beach hungry on purpose so I could eat as much sand as possible. To this day I still drool thinking about the texture, it’s so GOOD in your mouth. It is not pretty, no, but it is funny in a gross way and I joke about it a LOT. I had to be curbed off literally eating sand and rocks, and now I cope by putting way too many bread crumbs on my mac ‘n’ cheese (My mom says my personal mac ‘n’ cheese bake is like eating on the beach on a windy day, haha!) or eating grits, or crunching hard candies into that texture. I also now have to portion my food very carefully and with rules because I would over-eat SOOOOO badly. A ton of us over-eat because we love eating SO much. What foods does your character like? Do they eat non-food items, or want to? Is this an endearing trait of theirs, or a weakness/gross one? Do they find it funny, or is it embarrassing? Does it make them chubby?

Last but not least, read through the first thing I said again. People tend to try too hard when writing autistic characters, which only pushes them to seem like the fake stereotype. Write a person, not an illness - We’re just people with interesting quirks and like I said most people don’t even KNOW I’m autistic, they just think I’m a tiny bit eccentric. There are definitely challenges or noticeable things when you have an autistic friend or loved one, but all in all we’re just people. 

Good luck, and feel free to message me or something if you need more or I didn’t answer how you needed.

[lascaloriasmandan-blog]

☀🌞SAFE FOODS & UNSAFE FOODS:🌞☀

SAFE FOODS: 🌞 all fruit 🌞 all veggies 🌞 coconut/almond/flax milk 🌞 deli meat (chicken, turkey, or ham) 🌞 chicken breast 🌞 salmon 🌞 almonds/walnuts 🌞 salads (look at dressings!) 🌞 cheese (small amounts) 🌞 jerky 🌞 eggs 🌞 herbs and salt free spices 🌞 sunflower oil 🌞 dark chocolate (small amounts) 🌞 coconut sugar (brown and white) 🌞 honey 🌞 yogurt

SAFE DRINKS: 🌞 any tea, aim for green 🌞 water!water!water! 🌞 bai5 waters 🌞 lemonades 🌞 occassional smoothie (no added sugar or juice) 🌞 coconut/almond/flax milk

UNSAFE FOODS: ☀ processed sugar ☀ gluten (anything with flour/bread/grains) ☀ regular milk ☀ fried anything ☀ candy bars/bags of gummies/ice cream/sweets (other than dark chocolate) ☀ soda ☀ limit potatoes ☀ processed meats ☀ red meats ☀ anything I didn’t cook or see made

🍒🍓🍉VITAMINS & PILLS:🍉🍓🍒

I take a buttload of vitmins due to an autoimmune disease. I would talk to a doctor, or at least a pharmacist, about the best vitamins for you!

I also buy mostly the gummy kinds. XD

🍒 b12 - 1000mcg, 10cal 🍒 vitamin c - 100mg, 30cal 🍒 prenatal - (each brand varies in vitamin makeup, and i take them even though I’m not pregnant) 20cal 🍒 magnesium - 500mg 🍓 green tea supplements 🍓 acai berry supplements 🍉 laxatives on fasting days (not recommended for others) also 🍉 various diet pills (one brand at a time folks!) 🍉 ibuprofen for migraines and cramps

💗💕💞SELF CARE💞💕💗

These are really important to keep on top of, your mental health will take a roll on your body unless you help take some of the stress away.

ALONE: 💗 take a bath 💗 shave 💗 lotion 💗 nailpolish 💗 hairdye 💗 read/write 💗 color/art 💗 play video games/watch tv 💗 listen to music 💗 clean/organize 💗 study/learn a new hobby 💗 do something that makes you smile

REWARDS 💕 if you’ve done well recently with your diet and exercise, take an hour to get a massage or a mani/pedi 💕 if youve got good grades or learned something new, buy a new book or journal, or a cute pen 💕 if you’re clean and tidy, buy a poster or a new decoration to display 💕 if your doing better with an illness or personal struggle, take yourself out to a movie or go to a place you’ve wanted to visit 💕 if you’re improving in any way on anything, put $1 in an envelope and at the end of each month use the money to get cute socks or stickers! 💕 if youve been working more hours or going non stop, take a 30minute nap without guilt

MENTALLY : 💞 take fifteen minutes each day to meditate 💞 practise deep breathing to keep stress down 💞 your mental state is reflected in your surroundings, keep them clean and nice. 💞 if you’re deoressed, talk to a friend 💞 write in a journal/listen to music to calm down 💞 do not beat yourself up for failures and always reward achievements

🍬🍕🍔CRAVING BUSTERS🍔🍕🍬

I have three things I make for cravings, and these are for when I’m dying to binge and neeeeed something to taste.

🍬 ACV Magic -2tbs Apple cider vinegar - small amount of sweetener - dash of cinnamon - 6-8oz or hot or cold water Tastes like apple pie, and good cold or hot! Kills cravings and helps kill appetite

🍕 Heavy Hitter - 2tbs peanut butter - small blob honey - a few nuts or cranberries Helps kill cravings for heavier foods like pastas and pizza and baked goods, and gives a little protein/sugar boost to keep your energy up.

🍔 Carnivore -few slices deli meat - thin slice cheese (like paper) - pickle spear (optional) - small but of mustard (grey poupon is best) Roll the meat with some mustard on it and the cheese around the pickle for a crunchy snack to curb cravings for sandwiches, burgers, steaks, ects.

❌🚫❎FASTING:❎🚫❌

DO NOT ❌ never try to drive during a fast ❌ never make fasting more important than safety ❌ don’t go over 36hrs or you risk going into starvation mode (stores fat) ❌ don’t over exercise when fasting, you could pass out and get hurt, keep it mild ❌ don’t fast on test days or busy work days, your performance suffers ❌ don’t feel forced to fast by anyone ❌ dont purge if you break a fast with a binge ❌ do not deprive yourself of vitamins on a fast, even if they have calories or you have to take them with milk. ❌do not fast after a bad binge, this is super harmful as it cause your stomach to swell and shrink suddenly and it’s actually another form of bulimia. Fasts should be planned after a day of your normal (and healthy food only) calorie intake

TIPS 🚫 drink your tea first thing in the morning, and take vitamins early 🚫 use a water bottle that you know contains a certain number of oz (mine has 32oz) and don’t or other sip off it 🚫 use a wet erase marker on your water bottle to tally the number of refills you’ve done for water in the day 🚫 use the ACV magic for cravings 🚫 drink lots of green tea 🚫 take melatonin before bed so hunger doesnt keep you awake 🚫 start your fast 4hrs before sleep, the night automatically gives you a 8-12 hour fast. Continue to fast up till 36hrs. But at least that minimum. 🚫 use fire teas or detox teas 🚫 (i) take laxatives (you should not) 🚫 stay busy 🚫 use the prebinge list 🚫 if i insist on eating, start with the craving busters or fruits/veggies 🚫 fast on days off, so you can choose how to distract yourself 🚫 set a timer on your phone or tally the hours with a pen on your arm,  it helps keep you motivated

ALWAYS ❎ drink enough water ❎ let an ana buddy know what your doing for safety reasons ❎ be kind to yourself ❎ weigh before and after a fast ❎ drink green tea ❎ break the fast carefully, with small portions of fruits and veggies or a broth ❎ if doing a 36hr fast, double vitamin intake for those days (not the magnesium though) ❎ keep in mind that hunger pain goes away in about 7-25 seconds ❎ remember you should have been yourself to keep from eating. Do not hit your stomach, cut yourself, or any other harmful thing to avoid food! Please dont.

🐷🐽🐖BINGING🐖🐽🐷

These are things I do to help stop or prevent, or recover from a binge.

BEFORE: 🐽 drink a glass of ice water 🐽 light a candle that is a clean or pungent scent! (Nothing that smells like food) 🐽 boil water for tea  (sometimes the act of heating water tricks me into thinking I made food) 🐽 read a book/magazine (i pick new books, they draw me in so I forget how long it’s been) 🐽 drink your tea, but make a bigger cup than normal or make two, it feels like a treat 🐽 find a craft project that gets your hands dirty! If you’re covered in glue, you can’t touch food! 🐽 look at thinspo 🐽 my biggest help is to clean, start vacuuming or dusting or scoop the yard for dog crap or the cat box for poops,  or wash Windows or reorganize your clothes (looking at how big the clothes you wear are is also very motivating) 🐽 put on your goal pants! Everyone has a pair. 🐽 take a body check photo 🐽 write down the # of calories you’d be eatting, then figure out how long you’d need to work out to burn that off. If it’ll take more than a set of jumping Jack’s or crunches, don’t eat it 🐽 for every time you open the fridge or cupboard, whether you eat or not, do 25 squats or 25 push ups. 🐽 try the ACV drink or a craving buster 🐽 weigh yourself

DURING: 🐷 if you end up binging, look down at how much you’ve already eaten, if it’s less than half the amount you grabbed then drink warm water with lemon. If it’s over half, drink cold water with lemon. (The hot will help mimic a full tummy and the cold helps your body jump start to burn more calories). Don’t drink both, you may puke. And don’t eat what’s left, duh. 🐷 go eat in front of a mirror. You’ll get like one bite further then stop, I promise. 🐷 ask yourself if you’re willing to eat the same # of calories in carrots. If not, throw the rest out. If so, go get some damn carrots and throw the other crap out. 🐷 if you’re binging because someone asked you to eat, eat some, wait a bit, then claim it made you feel sick like food poisoning. Or say you ate before and are saving the rest for later (throw out later obvs) 🐷 if it’s sweets you grabbed, ask yourself if you would eat the same # of calories in strawberries. If so, go get some fruit! If not, you should remember processed sugar gives you zits and thunder thighs. Not cute. Pizzaface and burgerbutt. Groosss. 🐷 ask yourself, if I saw someone eating this, would I think they’re a pig? If no, then you may actually be eating something good for you. If yes, put the food down, piglet. Grooss. 🐷it’s not too late to make acv magic or tea! 🐷weigh yourself

AFTER: 🐖 drink cold water, slowly, so you don’t puke 🐖 take a walk, even a lap or two around the yard or each room in the house! 🐖 take some magnesium to promote digestive/bowel movements (this is not a laxative, it just helps keep stuff moving) 🐖 after about 40 minutes (so you don’t puke) do 25 sit ups, 25 leg lifts per side, and 25 lunges. Then drink some water and rest 15 minutes. Then repeat, but add 30 jumping jacks. The drink water and rest. Then repeat, but add the jumping Jack’s and hold a plank for 30seconds. If up for it, repeat the cycle from the start one more time. 🐖 Do. Not. Get. Mad. At. Yourself. Depression hinders weight loss, so be gentle on yourself. 🐖 take a bath 🐖  drink tea 🐖  DO NOT PURGE. EVER. 🐖 do some self care 🐖  weigh yourself

[hawkeyedflame]

Multiples of three and five >3

How did I know you were going to get payback

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be? Well I’m trying to learn how to draw so we’ll see how that goes.5. What was your favourite book as a child? OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS THE ROLY-POLY SPIDER AND MY DAD READ IT TO ME ALMOST EVERY NIGHT. HE EVEN READ IT TO ME THE NIGHT BEFORE I LEFT FOR MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE. :’D6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers, although I do like a good bath from time to time.9. What is your favourite item of clothing? Oh heck, I never really thought about this, but I guess probably my Weiss t-shirt.10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it? I actually do not like my first name. My mom wanted to name me Paige and I think I will always be bitter about the fact that they ended up choosing Allison instead. But no, I wouldn’t change it. It’s too much of a hassle at this point and I don’t hate it enough to bother.12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for? I don’t think I could handle getting that much attention, but I wouldn’t mind being a recognized author in gut microbiology. I always did want to write a book to help the public understand how important gut microbes are!15. Which element best represents you? Fire! In so many ways. I’m a Leo, which is a fire sign, and also a firebender, and my personality has always been very fiery according to the people who know me in real life.18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. Umm my mental illness has kind of wiped most of my childhood memories away and the only one I can think of right now is that I once swam with dolphins and it was really rad.20. What can you see outside your bedroom window? Joke’s on you, I’m actually not in my room for once. But if I were to look out, all I’d see is the side of our neighbor’s apartment.21. What are you most thankful for? I was supposed to answer this one in another ask but I accidentally answered the wrong question rip I’m most thankful for the fact that I have a loving and supportive family that has the ability to care for me emotionally and financially. I know far too many people who don’t have this luxury and I am so blessed to have a family that cares about me.24. Do you keep a diary or journal? I used to keep one daily, I’d fill front and back a piece of loose leaf paper and put it in a binder. I don’t write daily anymore but on rare occasion I feel compelled to write something down on paper instead of posting it here. I also have a side blog where I put things I don’t want my followers to see but that I want archived somewhere for my own reference.25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? Depends. When I’m taking notes in class I use a pen because pencil gets all messed up and leaves graphite smudges everywhere. But when I’m writing for myself I use pencil, for some reason.27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Fun fact: I have not eaten cereal in over seven years. I stopped eating it when I was about 13 or 14 because most cereal is full of shit ingredients and has a lot of sugar. But, when I did eat it, I only liked it crunchy.30. How do you show someone you love them? I very much enjoy buying gifts for people, leaving them love notes, and giving physical affection.33. What is your favourite scent? I don’t know if I could pick just one but I do really love the smell of freshly cut grass and freshly tilled dirt. I also love the smell of birds...like if you haven’t sniffed a birb you couldn’t possibly understand that it’s not a weird thing to like but I swear it’s a good smell.35. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? Um to be completely honest, money isn’t the limiting factor in my life. I will not lie about the class privilege I have; money has never been on my list of concerns. What limits me the most is actually my mental illness. If I were not so mentally ill I would spend a lot more time out making friends and traveling.36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean? The ocean, but I prefer lakes above both.39. What is one thing you would want to teach your children? Hypothetical children, because I don’t intend to have kids. I’d make sure they understood how essential it is to think critically and question everything.40. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Oh boy I have several tattoos planned actually. One of them I even got my mother’s approval on! It’s the quote “grow me a garden of roses” from the song Roses by Poets of the Fall. I’m going to get it on my left ribcage just under my boob, in calligraphy font. Another one that I want is my star sign (Leo) in a solid black calligraphy font with the Fire Nation symbol in watercolor overlaying it. Recently I’ve contemplated adding Roy’s simplified fire alchemy transmutation circle circumscribing the whole thing but I worry that will make it too busy so I’d have to consult an tattoo artist on that first. I ALSO intend to get a watercolor on my left forearm of a dragonfly landing on blue and purple hydrangeas. Dragonflies are my mom’s favortie animal and hydrangeas are her favorite flower and I want to both honor her and cover up self harm scars.42. already answered45. What is your most used emoji? I don’t know, I use a lot of different emojis? Any variation of ;-; is probably what I use most though.48. Describe yourself using one word. Right now: tired. Overall: tired.50. Invent your own word. What does it mean? I am definitely not creative enough for this. Sorry to disappoint. :c

[newhologram]

New’s Atlas Subluxation and chronic illness timeline

It’s in my nature at this point to document things and it’s smart to keep track of my healing post-procedure anyway, so I might as well make a timeline here and share the experience as usual :p 

Feel free to ask any questions, it doesn’t bother me at all. We need to let patients be teachers too, I think. 

So here is my atlas subluxation and chronic illness timeline with backstory leading up to the procedure before it gets super specific with dates. I will try to update this during my healing as much as I can to document changes. I’m putting lots of links to posts where I talk about things as well, but you can also go into these tags on my blog to find more information: #personal #atlas subluxation #fibromyalgia #chronic pain #chronic illness #invisible illness #narcolepsy #ulcerative colitis  1.16.17 Posted with info up until this day. 4.12.17 3 month update!

1989: Born December 29th at a 3 1/2 lbs. Taken out prematurely because there was a complication with the umbilical cord and I was no longer growing. I had to stay in an incubator for 11 days until I weighed enough to go home, which was 5 1/2 lbs. It’s unclear whether or not the subluxation was present after birth; it’s possibly that I could’ve been pulled out in a way that caused it, but we have the next event as a definite marker for when things started getting worse. 

Summer of 1996, age 6: While playing with sister I accidentally fractured my collar bone. I went up into the air, I remember seeing the ceiling coming closer, and then I fell straight down onto my back pretty hard. I cried and cried and said over and over again, “I broke something, I broke something” until they took me to the hospital. I vividly remember how I shook when they put me on the table to x-ray me. The doctor cheered me up by pointing out the gas in my chest. But basically they were like yep, there’s a fracture right there. And they sent me home with a sling. I remember that it had dinosaurs on it and it made me happy.

1996~2000, age 6 to 10: Always sick. Daily stomach aches, digestive issues leading to restrictive diet, nausea, back pain, bad posture, fatigue, insomnia, nightmares, sleepwalking, always cold, chronic bronchitis, hypersensitivity to stimulus like sound, light, color, taste, smell, temperature, and even experiences whether positive or negative, auditory processing disorder making it hard to understand what people said, problems with being “too excitable” and having intense reactions to rejection which was hard because I was constantly bullied and controlled by peers for being “weird” and “different”. I struggled in most subjects, but especially math, and I could never really handwrite properly, even to this day. School in general was just very hard because I never felt well and couldn’t keep up with others. Crying on the floor meltdowns whenever there are loud sports games or if a friend goes home early from a sleepover or if a parent gets mad at me (or I think they are). These meltdowns persisted into adulthood. I was always just called dramatic for them.

2001~2009, age 11 to 19: Middleschool and highschool were even harder. I struggled in most classes except for creative ones. Health problems persisted: first sleep paralysis with hallucations episode at age 12 or 13 and often had episodes after school that would eat up my early evening and wear me out mentally, still had problems with bronchitis, ovarian cyst caused me a lot of pain and missed classes, then I started having even worse digestive problems. By age 15 I had my first upper endoscopy and colonoscopy where they discovered ulcers in my esophagus, stomach, and intestines. Feelings of isolation, unable to feel like I could connect with people, noticeable depression, loneliness. First vomiting panic attack at age 17. At 19 did a homestay in Japan; an amazing experience but made difficult by vomiting, fatigue, insomnia, anxiety leaving the house and exploring by myself and freaking out when I got lost.

2010~2016, age 20-26: Health problems begin to worsen in early adulthood. Age 21: I’m vomiting a few times a week and having a ton of other problems, diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. Sleep and fatigue problems making it hard to work at my retail job especially while I’m in college. Age 23: suddenly the sleep paralysis and insomnia are impossible to manage and I go several months with very little sleep, getting worse and worse, every day having looong hard sleep paralysis episodes that leave me with horrible headaches and slurring like I’m drunk. I still go to auditions and work jobs I book as best as I can but get a narcolepsy diagnosis after a long process of sleep study and being yanked around by insurance not letting me actually see the neurologist for my diagnosis. Depression is getting to the point where it almost paralyzes me but I do my best. Health problems cause fights with family. Age 24: not long after the narcolepsy diagnosis: the pain and fatigue become excessive and debilitating and I get the fibromyalgia diagnosis. Condition worsens and worsens, a bump forms on my upper spine that causes horrific pain and distress. 2014 I’m in the ER/urgent care 4 times because the pain makes it unable to rest or stop vomiting for days on end (the most being 6 days where I lost 12lbs). I go to an Ayurvedic healing center because the doctors were useless. There is some improvement but I still struggle, at least I had a lot of good coping tools to keep myself a live, if only barely at times. In bed most days in horrible pain and exhausted by simple things such as getting up to use the restroom. Depression is horrible and a cloud of suicidal urges hang over me for almost 2 years because I feel like a failure who is ruining my family’s happiness by being sick and I feel an intense hatred for myself. I try to work a very mellow part time job at a perfumery but the pain makes it too hard and I’m eventually let go.   Age 25: Depression persists but I force myself to start doing background TV/film work on a weekly basis. Making money helps calm me but it’s incredibly difficult with my health problems and I often vomit on set from fatigue and pain. I start seeing a chiropractor to help alleviate the pain and depression. It helps but I have to see him twice a week at first, then once, then every other week, but during a flare up it’s back to once a week. I also start seeing an acupuncturist which helps with organ function and eases some symptoms but I still have to see her regularly and the expenses add up and cause more problems with my family since I’m barely able to afford them on my own.  Age 26: I get a part time job in retail to help supplement me while I do background work. With the skills I learned I’m able to manage things but I still suffer a lot every day and don’t sleep well because of the pain. Later in the year I stop doing bg work and get an additional part time job. I had accepted long ago that I would be in pain for the rest of my life and that all these tiny minimum wage paychecks I worked so hard through agony for would just go straight into managing my symptoms. I accepted that by age 45 I might be bedridden but at least I was doing my best now in my 20′s and I needed to accept whatever time my body had on this planet and do my best to be a source of light for others going through the same thing.

Starting the week of the December 18th, 2016, I have a lot of work days in a row and I’m slammed with auditions. It’s getting colder and colder, my pain is higher, I don’t have much time to rest. By Christmas Eve I’m in bed all the day with only short sporadic moments up to pee or try to soothe the depression with an activity. It’s so bad I can barely last 20 minutes at times before I have to stumble back to bed green in the face and weak.

This flare up continued until Wednesday, January 11th, 2017. 25 days of high pain and fatigue levels and going a few weeks only able to eat yogurt and a few crackers with one or two proper meals a week if I can. Lots of throwing up, usually two nights in a row, maybe a little break, and then back to it, just horrible persistent deep nausea. This is why I got down to 103lbs. Oops.

So, here’s where the timeline of atlas subluxation discovery and treatment starts:

12.18.16 ~ 1.11.17: Flare up from hell that wouldn’t end. It was suddenly back to the intense high levels I had back in 2014 when I didn’t know all these pain management techniques. Naturally, I was terrified and used every possible coping technique possible to get through it. Since it was so high I was just. Hoo. Each day was a rollercoaster. The pain gives me hella moodswings. Zip, zip, had to just keep it zipped as much as I could so I didn’t look like an asshole. If I had to work one shift I basically had to make sure I didn’t do ANYTHING beforehand to save those spoons and keep the pain from spiking, but I didn’t want to pass up auditions so I forced myself to a few. The pain got so bad I couldn’t even sit up in bed most nights. Missed a lot of work. Had to meditate like crazy to keep positive thoughts in the front of my brain but it was very difficult.

1.5.17: Barely clinging to positivity but trying my best, since I’m always in bed I work up the strength with a LOT of rest and pain management to play a little Pokemon. Meanwhile I’m trying to work on gross crunchy calcium in the back of my neck (yeah, it’s nasty) and this huge chunk comes off inside my neck, like just... a crunchy chip floating in there that I could move and scrape against my neck

UM. I YELLED and immediately posted about it and freaked out because by googling “hard crunchy back of neck floating” I discovered atlas subluxation. http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/155495266822/atlas-orthogonal-changed-my-life-migraines

1.6.17: Appointment with primary care physician to update her on my rapidly worsening condition and talk to her about atlas subluxation. She got flustered and was saying, “this isn’t something the healthcare system considers as treatment” and I was like WHY and at this point I was done being pushed around and I said many times, “Sorry, I just need you to hear everything that I’m saying” as I went over this whole page of notes I made for her about how this procedure could give me my life back. I lamb’d her into submission in order to get her to write several referrals to try to find someone. All she could do was refer me to the bone doctor and the neurologist.

GUYS IT’S LITERALLY LIKE, oh, your brain and body are breaking down because this one bone might be out of place? It’s that simple and obvious and we can find it in x-rays easily if we know what we’re looking for and there are already specialists who do this specific adjustment around the world?

Hmm... nahhh... nah... don’t even check there. Just treat this girl’s depression and pain with drugs FIRST, before we determine that it’s the organs themselves with the deficiency. We’ll just try that and see what happens, $50 please. I have been on 3 different depression/anxiety meds, zofran, xanax, ativan, tramadol, various colon steroids?? Just a ton of crap.

Even knowing I will need to pay an atlas doc out of pocket, I get so depressed that I can’t even bring myself to make a phone call for an appointment. 

1.11.17: Crying and screaming level of pain, very weak, depression so intense all I could think while obviously very, very ill was “I’m the worst/I should die/I’m just a problem/I’m ruining my dad’s life/I’m an unreliable loser and all my coworkers and employers think I’m lazy and dumb/no one likes me because I’m too weird and always sick” etc etc. My dad almost took me to the hospital because the pain was just way too intense and making me lose my shit. 

1.12.17, day of procedure: In the morning my dad called me and suggested we just do it, just call one of those specialists. I was in no state to make phone calls so he did it for me. He picked the closest one and called her. He said, “my daughter has fibromyalgia and she’s in bad shape” and the doctor said we could come in that day.

My post after the adjustment describing the experience with photos Even walking is different Other details about the visit Brain activity is high at bedtime but I can feel my body 1.13.17, day after procedure: Wake up sharp at 8am, do yoga. Got some pretty intense back and neck pains and fatigue but it’s different. I feel sore and aching like my body is letting go after holding onto something for a long time. I have an appetite.  Talking about how this is the first doctor I’ve ever met who was just so confident in her ability to help me instead of shrugging and giving me drugs Reeling because everything is making so much sense and how our medical system is awful Prophetic dream? 1.14.17, day 2: Went to school, had fun because I could think properly. My dad took me to do errands after. I got really tired and had pain but it was still very different. We picked up some suggestions the doc gave me to help my body during the healing process. Thinking about how crazy it is that my body is going to be slowly adjusting and healing over the next year or so More thoughts as I feel my body change and think about what lead up to all this Hope and healing Already seeing a drastic change in sleep

1.15.17, day 3: Back to work at my retail job. Kind of difficult because I’m under strict orders from the doctor not to lift more than 5lbs as not to make my atlas go back out of whack. Lots of pain and fatigue by noon from having to use my body so much. But brain is still sharp, having fun with customers.  On my break I start looking up atlas subluxation and how it affects a child’s brain development since I realize that this means that I grew up with a compressed brain stem. Unfamiliar feeling of peace and calm Sad thoughts remembering my childhood Suspicious of the medical system not recognizing this A thank you to friends and followers during this hugely important time

1.16.17, day 4: Day off. Pain levels got pretty high so I did my best to rest a lot. I was too tired to play more than a little video games.  Noticing I look different in pictures Anon asks if the bump on my spine is gone More research, ebook with alarming symptoms that match mine Exposing a secret Text post talking about the pain and family members looking into this now/ Meant to be Stepping stones Having another look at my MRI More info 1.17.17, day 5: Very tired. Slept in until 9am, managed to do 5 pushups, yoga, and some light hula hooping. Had a good breakfast and got about an hour of editing done by 11:30 before I was just way too tired, so I napped until a little after 1 and had a small lunch. The pain wasn’t so bad, it was mostly fatigue. I ended up needing another 30 minute nap before I went to work. I felt kind of depressed but I’m not sure if it’s because of my worry about work. I worked today and I have to work tomorrow, I’m just worried 2 days in a row will be rough like it usually is. I still really wish I could just take time off completely and not force myself through these shifts. But I don’t want to lose my jobs. :( We’ll see. Epic upper body spasm while trying to make a snack 1.18.17, day 6: I slept really well despite waking up randomly at 3. I felt calm and warm without my heated blanket on for awhile, and fell back asleep easily. I ate a really good breakfast and lunch and work wasn’t too bad. I’m still very sore and aching, and having to move around so much definitely doesn’t help that. My mood was back up again, but I do feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed by all this information. I’m feeling anger and the urge to call my primary care doctor and ask her how she can even call herself a doctor.  Wondering what differences my acupuncturist will notice Crooked glasses no crooked atlas yes Sharper brain at work Frustration and wondering how much worse I would’ve gotten Positivity is important but it doesn’t fix a spine by itself Happy to have answers but feeling a lot of sadness 1.19.17, day 7 and my follow up with the atlas orthogonal doctor: Follow up post here with “after” x-ray pics Thoughts on Snapchat Ashwagandha Lots of fatigue and also depressive mood swings keeping me in bed.  1.20.17, day 8: Fun day out with a friend, very much needed. She got me a gemstone for spinal alignment! Pain wasn’t too bad all day and by 5pm I was getting tired. VERY squirmy feelings. 

Atlas noise is grossing me out Dear my body Reflection on my experience in the crystal store and how life has been the past 4 years being so sick Thinking about a classmate saying something kind of inappropriate 1.21.17, day 9: Bad depression and fatigue. Missed school and had a really rough time at work. 1.22.17, day 10: Mood improved a lot, felt okay at work and had a good massage. Super hungry.  Sat at my desk for so long! But also so much wiggliness that I hate 

1.23.17, day 11: I felt good so I vlogged a lot! I pushed it a little and had to rest a lot after though, oops. 

Pain is high at bedtime, I need some kind of memory foam pillow 1.24.17, day 12: Acupuncture appointment went well, she was pretty amazed. Worked, pain came and went. Felt energetic. Even played OW when I got home. Depression is coming in smaller waves now but they’re still strong and can knock me over. Answering an ask about x-rays Another ask about fixing the atlas yourself Depression coping tips

1.25.17, day 13: A lot of depression first half of the day. It got better once I got to work. Pain got up there at night but I managed to get some OW in. Forgot to buy spicy patches but I have a new magnesium oil spray.

Brain reprogramming

1.26.17, day 14: Went to the market by myself and regretted it because I ended up in bad pain by 11am. Didn’t get much done the whole day, slept on and off like a toddler. 

Thoughts on growing up Spoonie snaps: food and owies Night sweats pretty much gone 1.27.17, day 15: Another day of lots of pain and fatigue, but I managed to do a little bit and play some games. The impact of choosing not to suffer in silence Fatigue depression

2.6.17, day... omg idfk! I’ve been so wiped out I haven’t had the energy to sit at my desk and keep this updated. 

Basically, things have still been a wild ride. I had a little over a week of high pain levels and fatigue but thankfully no vomiting, but looots of depression and badbrain. I’ve been doing my best to manage everything and stay on top of my self-care routine as usual. Each day is different and things are changing little by little. 

Since so many of my updates/thoughts are in text posts I’ll just link them like I was already doing. 

1.28.17 Chronic pain problem of trying to time medicating

1.29.17 I feel like I’m not allowed to rest One day I’ll be big and strong Recent snaps of pain management and finding comfort in cats and facemasks

1.30.17 PMS messing me up and such

1.31.17 Before and after x-rays and thoughts about my MRIs Got an adjustment at my regular chiro and it went great

2.1.17 Recent snaps of special spine pillow and such Missing gaming because too much pain ;(

2.2.17 Vlog teaser: working on medical marijuana vlogs! Advice for an anon Relating to a follower about overstimulation caused by a new pain

2.3.17 Spoonie actor visibility Snapchat story Heard back from the MyStrength people Intense flare with bad spine and rib pain and fever

2.4.17 Vlog about getting my handicap parking placard

2.5.17 Tonsil stones ; ; Morning depression Spoonies, Stay (about spoonie suicide) Intrusive thoughts, healing is painful, and on being a late bloomer

3.14.17

Time has gotten away from me. It’s hard to keep track of things. I’m having good days but more bad days. Lots of swelling in my upper neck now. Video here to show how big it gets http://newvagabond.tumblr.com/post/158336271242/this-is-what-i-mean-when-i-say-ow-my-upper-spine possibly because I didn’t rest and stuff, chiro had to do a lot

Depression was pretty bad too. And there’s been a huge weather change. It’s possibly that’s related to my flare up. Feeling hopeless.

Frustration at being told I’m lucky to be so skinny when I am skinny because of health problems Going to school in pain and realizing other people don’t have any idea what this is like  Spine pain feels like spine is moving slowly, like braces on teeth Feeling pressured to work when my body is not well I wish I’d known it’s not normal Bad pain, acupuncture, experimenting with oils Threw up for the first time since January  Being happy isn’t only for the neurotypical ER doctors hate us Malingering, teachers thinking I was faking Low spoons from having to keep up with people who have near infinite spoons

March got better towards the end with more frequent massage and me getting very serious about my Ayurveda self-care routine. Yoga deep stretch 2x a day, strict rest breaks, lots of ashwagandha, etc. Sleep became difficult again, both at night and during the day. 

Neurological tics and SP Spine spoonie end of March Appreciate the time a spoonie gives you Emotional detox the past 4 years Low pain day despite stress and activity ?? didn’t have to medicate until 9pm Ashwagandha powder feeling changes Two days in a row of low pain and good brain function Survival is anything but typical More ashwa goodness Glass half full Suddenly back to being in bed most of the day Medical records showing just how incompetent my old docs were What does it mean to be strong? Spine swelling stealing my days I want a spinal implant Spoonies are always performing Losing friends when you get sick

Sesame oil and hot/cold pack life New vape cartridge for spine pain relief! Golden milk with ashwagandha every night!

Had a very busy week even with low pain days and got worn out after 6 days, high pain, but still great mood. I felt very positive and optimistic. Reality felt very strange with low pain. But I was back to my usual struggle the next week. 

I still feel very much like the only way people will take my health seriously is if I push myself into collapsing. Also spine is so noisy when I do my yoga. I got my tax return and I’m so thankful because I was able to stock up on pain relief products! But I’m still kinda worried about the neurological symptoms I’m having.

 I saw my new doctor and was really surprised.

4.12.17 3 month update and thoughts.

[rkahnso]

head canon collection ;

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

NAME: Ahn Sohee/ Matilda Ahn

NICKNAME: Soso

REASON FOR NAME: Her mother gave her the English name because Sohee was born in England, where having an English name would be more suitable. Matilda was a name she originally chosen since childhood and Pippa was her (Sohee’s) grandmother’s name.

BIRTHDAY: June 27, 1995

AGE: Internationally 21

GENDER: (cis) Female

PLACE OF BIRTH: Manchester, England

PLACES LIVED SINCE: London, England ; Seoul, South Korea

PARENTS’ NAMES, BACKGROUNDS, OCCUPATIONS:

‘James’ Ahn Haneul – Father. Photography professor at Seoul Institute of the Arts. Ex-head photographer for Lanbum Inc.

Jessamyn Grace – Mother. Founder, CEO and head designer of Lanbum Inc.

Kim Joohyun – Stepmother. Nurse

Kim Jaehyun – Stepbrother. Going for PHD

NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: one step brother

RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY: estranged to most, rocky relationship with mother, awkward father-daughter relationship

HAPPIEST MEMORY: any time her friends were at their happiest

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: parent’s divorce

PHYSICAL

HEIGHT: 5’4”

WEIGHT: 47kg

BUILD: Slender, petite

NATIONALITY: British-Korean

DISABILITIES (PHYSICAL OR MENTAL, INCLUDING MENTAL ILLNESSES): recovered anorexic

COMPLEXION (FRECKLES, ACNE, SKIN TONE, BIRTH MARKS): Pale, smooth skin. Cat-like features. Pouted lips. Beauty mark under right eye.

FACE SHAPE: Round….like a dumpling

DISTINGUISHING FACIAL FEATURES: Cat-like eyes. Pouted lips.

HAIR COLOR: dark colour, mid-back length

USUAL HAIR STYLE: varies over the day but most commonly seen worn down.

EYE COLOR: Dark brown

GLASSES? CONTACTS?: reading glasses

STYLE OF DRESS/TYPICAL OUTFIT(S): Very fashion oriented so style changes just as it usually does in the fashion world

TYPICAL STYLE OF SHOES: converse, occasional vans, various shoes, usually wears nike sneakers or adidas

HEALTH (IS THIS PERSON USUALLY SICK? OR VERY RESILIENT?): healthy

GROOMING: – Usually sporting little makeup/natural makeup – Hair silky, vibrant and healthy – Nails are almost always painted but well kept. Never done with fake tips or such. Currently medium length nails – sometimes wears fake eyelashes

JEWELRY? TATTOOS? PIERCINGS?: — navel piercing — tattoos on the back of her neck and left wrist — always wears earrings (studs) — necklace that she always wears

ACCENT?: Received Pronunciation (British accent), Seoul dialect (Korean accent)

UNIQUE MANNERISMS/PHYSICAL HABITS: – fusses with hair quite often – licks her lips often/puckers her lips – pouts often

ATHLETIC?: Not really excessively athletic but athletic enough

INTELLECT

LEVEL OF EDUCATION (HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT, UNDERGRAD BA/BS, PHD, MD, ETC.): Graduated from Seoul Arts High School.

LEVEL OF SELF ESTEEM: Average to high

GIFTS/TALENTS: knows 3 languages, can play guitar

SHORTCOMINGS: emotional, paranoid, meek, naive

STYLE OF SPEECH (LOUD, MUMBLER, ARTICULATE, ETC.): Normal, a bit articulate with words. Accented so sometimes doesn’t pronounce every consonant

“LEFT BRAIN” OR “RIGHT BRAIN” THINKER?: She knows that concept is false so none

ARTISTIC?: Incredibly so. Or else she wouldn’t pursue this career

MATHEMATICAL?: No.

MAKES DECISIONS BASED MOSTLY ON EMOTIONS, OR ON LOGIC?: Both logic and emotion, although her reactions are typically emotional

NEUROSES: Average

LIFE PHILOSOPHY: “In the realm of fantasies, it’s reality that keeps one sane.”

RELIGIOUS STANCE: Catholic (?)

CAUTIOUS OR DARING?: cautious

MOST SENSITIVE ABOUT/VULNERABLE TO: criticisms, insults, words geared towards her appearance

OPTIMIST OR PESSIMIST?: optimist

EXTROVERT OR INTROVERT?: Extrovert

LEVEL OF COMFORT WITH TECHNOLOGY: High. As it should be

RELATIONSHIPS

CURRENT MARITAL/RELATIONSHIP STATUS: committed

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: pansexual

PAST RELATIONSHIPS: let’s not

LEVEL OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE: no longer a virgin.

STORY OF FIRST KISS (IF ANY—IF NOT, HOW DOES HE/SHE WANT IT TO HAPPEN?): ricky and sohee, as children, figured that they should react their favourite drama scene. and that scene included a kiss. so they did. now they kiss a lot.

STORY OF LOSS OF VIRGINITY (IF ANY—IF NOT, HOW DOES HE/SHE WANT IT TO HAPPEN, IF AT ALL?): sohee missed ricky since he was away for mga promotions. so she showed him how much she missed him exactly....

A SOCIAL PERSON? (POPULAR, LONER, SOME CLOSE FRIENDS, MAKES FRIENDS AND THEN QUICKLY DROPS THEM): incredibly social. willing and eager to make friends or help others. unwilling for friends to lose contact

MOST COMFORTABLE AROUND (PERSON): ricky, jiwon, youngjae, seungyoun

OLDEST FRIEND: ricky

HOW DOES HE/SHE THINK OTHERS PERCEIVE HIM/HER?: cute, innocent, playful

HOW DO OTHERS ACTUALLY PERCEIVE HIM/HER?: dorky, bubbly, cute

VOCATION

PROFESSION: full time trainee

PAST OCCUPATIONS: waitressing, modelling

PASSIONS: performing

ATTITUDE TOWARDS CURRENT JOB: learning eagerly and still maintaining a positive attitude

ATTITUDE TOWARDS CURRENT COWORKERS, BOSSES, EMPLOYEES: close with so many trainees to the point where she feels comfortable. is still a bit anxious in the presence of instructors. awkwardly comfortable with their ceo

SALARY: minimum wage

SECRETS

(EVERY CHARACTER—NO MATTER HOW MINOR—SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE SECRETS!)

PHOBIAS:

– Nyctophobia: Sohee’s case of nyctophobia is extremely mild. It causes her to be anxious, increase her heart rate and breathing and causes her to be extremely paranoid and easily frightened by practically anything (being touched, hearing something, etc). It’s only triggered when Sohee is encased in complete darkness without a source of light or if any light source suddenly goes off. It doesn’t, however, affect her in her own room (typically because she usually has her television or laptop on).

– Astraphobia: When there’s a thunderstorm, Kat immediately starts shaking. It doesn’t take much for her to start crying as the first strike of lightning or clap of thunder would easily trigger tears. She usually doesn’t feel calmer or safer unless she’s with someone or hiding somewhere (ironically) darker where the lightning isn’t visible. If she’s alone during a storm, she might literally have a panic attack.

– Arachnophobia: Simple. Kat hates spiders. She can’t stand them. She can’t even be near them. Seeing a web generally triggers anxiety and increases her paranoia. If she sees one. Well, get some ear plugs. She’ll scream, cry and literally refuse to go into the room if she could avoid it. Heck, she refused to sleep in her own room for a month after she found a spider in there. The sight of them makes her skin crawl. She hates them for making her feel like a wimp in their presence.

LIFE GOALS: to be successful and proud of herself

DREAMS: being an idol

GREATEST FEARS: not being loved/being forgotten

MOST ASHAMED OF: Her fear of the dark

MOST EMBARRASSING THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO HIM/HER: that time joey walked in on her in underwear.

COMPULSIONS: ??

OBSESSIONS: OTTERS, rilakkuma

SECRET HOBBIES: she writes a lot of cute and short poems

SECRET SKILLS: writing backwards, can sing the alphabet (english) backwards, great at mimicking people’s voices

PAST SEXUAL TRANSGRESSIONS: ha, gay

CRIMES COMMITTED (AND WAS HE/SHE CAUGHT? CHARGED?): none.

WHAT HE/SHE MOST WANTS TO CHANGE ABOUT HIS/HER CURRENT LIFE: sometimes she wants things to be more relaxed

WHAT HE/SHE MOST WANTS TO CHANGE ABOUT HIS/HER PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: she wishes she was more sexually appealing (sexier in a way that men looked at her with want instead of thinking she was just cute)

DETAILS/QUIRKS

DAILY ROUTINE: train, barely sleep, barely eat, repeat

NIGHT OWL OR EARLY BIRD?: early bird and not by choice

LIGHT OR HEAVY SLEEPER?: somewhat in between

FAVOURITE FOOD: depends on her mood

LEAST FAVOURITE FOOD: spinach

FAVORITE BOOK: As I Fall LEAST FAVORITE BOOK: A Fault in Our Stars – yeah, she hates that book.

FAVORITE MOVIE: Blue is the Warmest Colour

LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE: A Fault in Our Stars

FAVORITE SONG: currently Die For You - The Weeknd

LEAST FAVORITE SONG: Let it Go – it got played out and she swears to god if she hears it again she’s going to end up punching a baby or something

COFFEE OR TEA?: Tea… no that’s not even a stereotype she just likes tea

CRUNCHY OR SMOOTH PEANUT BUTTER?: Chunky not crunchy!!!

TYPE OF CAR HE/SHE DRIVES (OR WISHES HE/SHE DROVE): black Audi R8

LEFTY OR RIGHTY?: righty

FAVORITE COLOR: red

CUSSER?:  she can curse but she doesn’t do it unless she’s really upset (only usually does it via text)

SMOKER? DRINKER? DRUG USER?: drinks, should the occasion arrive–

BIGGEST REGRET: never really having much of a family life

PETS?: grey american short hair (ellie), pug (chipps), orange tabby (nugget, shared with ricky)