#i personally know how debilitating headaches and migraines can get

[corgiplays]

I died (I was feeling a little burnt out and decided to take care of myself, but ended up getting swamped with life)

But I'm back :)

This little thought will be incorporated into the next chapter of One Day You Will Soar, but in general I can see Chloe being a glass child.

While pregnant with Chad I do think Ella would become a germaphobe. She would be afraid that she would get sick like her mom and that her child would live the life she did. Finding out Chad was a boy helped alleviate that stress, but not by much. Because of Ella's obsession with health and cleanliness she would inadvertently lower her and Chad's immune systems leading to Chad growing up with limited social interactions while young since he would get sick to often. This lead to Chad growing up spoiled, a true mama's boy since Ella would coddle him. He was her first child and as was determined to give him the best life.

When Ella got pregnant with Chloe it was a surprise, she never really wanted two kids (trauma of having step siblings). Because of her own unresolved issues Ella slightly neglected Chloe in her younger years. There's an eight year age gap between Chad and Chloe and by the time she came along the Charming family (Ella and Chad) were set in their ways.

Ella's pregnancy with Chloe was also very traumatic and complicated which left Ella with Postpartum Depression. It made bonding, taking care of, and just existing around Chloe very difficult for her which left Henry (Idk what Charming's name is so his name is Henry in my hc) do raise his daughter almost completely by himself. This did put a strain on Ella's and Henry's relationship which has gotten better, but not perfect. Chad's and Chloe's relationship also suffered as Chad already hated the fact that he had to share his mom with someone else which led to him being almost possessive and aggressive towards Chloe.

Chloe grew up knowing that only her dad and the staff truly cared for her. Ella wasn't a bad mom, she just had issues that she didn't realize where actual problems until she was called to Chloe's school because they couldn't reach Henry and she realized she didn't know anything about her daughter. Once Chloe grew up a bit more to the age of twelve or thirteen, Ella started interacting with her more, but it was a challenge. After years of unintentional neglect it was hard for Ella to form a relationship with Chloe who took after her father mostly. Another thing Ella didn't know about Chloe was that she developed chronic migraines from around the age of ten to eleven (I'm projecting a bit).

And with the time travel and helping Red be more open emotionally, mentally, and physically Chloe has severely neglected her own wellbeing and has plunged herself into a migraine episode. Of course Chloe who hasn't really have motherly care while dealing with her migraines and Red who never really had a mother, but a ruler, is trying her best to help. Chloe doesn't like feeling weak, feeling as though she has to be strong and toughen up for Red because she's the more damaged one, but when Red gets all soft and keeps the lights off, blacks out their curtains, stays quite except for the soft humming, and cradles Chloe's head, softly carding her fingers through blue curls maybe letting Red see this less than perfect side of her is okay.

I honestly was thinking to myself that Chloe most likely would neglect her own well being for Red in that mindset that her own problems are nothing in comparison to Red's. And I've always thought Chloe would be a glass child born realistically and also for the pun. Chad was probably a more hands on kid, never leaving his parents eyes while Chloe was an independent child who didn't need as much attention, always being told she's mature for her age (wow, I'm projecting hard) and letting her parents spend more time with her brother.

I do think Red would be like Chloe's anchor, a person who sees her and nows that she also need attention, not in a bad way, but in a "I see you and care for you and your interests" way.

They're both broken in their own ways and help one another heal and I love it.

[scientia-rex]

Hello, I appreciate your medical posts very much and having seen a post the other day where you said migraine was in your areas of special interest, I'd love to ask a related question. You talk about bodies and medicine and patient experience etc in a way that makes a lot of sense to me and I'd trust your take.

I have chronic migraine. I'm currently at 100% pain days, with varying severity. Very hard to pin down what is prodrome, the main event, and postdrome as it's all blurred into one. My migraine team want me to reduce painkiller usage (currently dihydrocodeine and paracetamol daily, and ibuprofen maybe every other day on top) due to rebound headache. I want to cut down because they're fucking expensive and I'm scared for my liver and kidneys. But I literally can't cope with life without them. I went off them for four months a few years ago and the pain was so severe and so debilitating I was the most suicidal I've been in my life. Without painkillers I can't get to the toilet unaided, rarely leave bed, even more rare to leave the house. It's hell. And that's not even considering the effects on everyone around me who has to pick up to care for me.

So what do I do? The way I see things, I need something to help the pain improve before I can use less painkillers, but the longer I go on trying to find something that works and not getting there, the more I think maybe I'm wrong in that. I know a bit about how codeine based painkillers can reduce your pain tolerance / pain baseline. I don't think it's an addiction issue because I've been at the same (over the counter) dosages for 4 years now. I just want to do all that I can to be better, but I also need to be alive to be better. I am stuck.

TL;DR - If you have any thoughts on the relationship between chronic migraine, painkiller use, preserving quality of life while finding a treatment, and increasing the chances of a treatment working, and where on earth the balance between all that lies, I'd really like to hear them.

Again, I absolutely appreciate if you can't answer this, don't want to etc. Giving advice online is notoriously tricky and all that. But a big thank you for your time in reading, and all your weight and exercise posts especially which make me feel so much better about my body. Wishing you all good things! 💖

I won't speak to your case directly, since I'm not your doctor, but here is my personal algorithm for escalating treatments for migraine (note that "abortives" in this case means something you take after a migraine starts to try to end it, while "prophylactic" means a daily treatment you take to reduce likelihood of developing a migraine):

-OTC combination of magnesium, feverfew, and butterbur, taken daily

-Triptans (insurance will usually demand patients fail at least 3 to cover a more expensive treatment)

-High-dose NSAIDs (as abortive treatment given risk of rebound headaches if used daily)

-Daily topiramate (insurance will always demand this is either failed or there's a clear contraindication)

-Daily calcium channel blockers

-Daily beta blockers (higher dose than used for anxiety or low-grade arrhythmias)

-Daily anti-epileptic medications (such as Lamictal)

-Monthly anti-CGRP monoclonal antibody injections (Aimovig or Ajovy; expensive so insurance will demand you've failed some or all of the previous meds)

-Abortive anti-CGRP orals (Nurtec or Ubrelvy)

-Abortive ergotamine, usually Migranal, a nasal spray (very expensive and must be repeated 15 minutes after initial dose regardless of whether symptoms are improving or not)

-Prophylactic Botox (I believe this is every 3 months, must be done in the office of a trained and licensed professional, usually but not always a Neurology provider)

-Sphenopalatine ganglion blocks (done by dripping lidocaine far back into the sinuses to reach the sphenopalatine ganglion, again in the office of a trained and licensed professional)

-Cephaly (transcranial magnetic stimulation at-home device), expensive so insurance hates covering it

Now, one of my newer tools, and my current personal favorite, is a greater occipital nerve block--easy and fast, low risk, and I've had about 90% success with my patients in aborting current headaches. Effects seem to last 3-4 weeks in most cases and since it's straight lidocaine (you don't have to include steroids, though you can) you can do it as often as needed. I generally do this in my office, but I did train one patient's spouse to do it at home given how frequent their headaches. The pharmacy lost their fucking mind about letting an outpatient have lidocaine. I don't know why.

I currently manage my pretty awful chronic migraines with a combination of monthly Aimovig, as-needed Excedrin (the combination of caffeine, Tylenol aka paracetamol, and aspirin is effective for many people but is a real risk for causing medication overuse headaches, the more official term for bounce-back), as-needed Ubrelvy (I can sleep after taking Ubrelvy but not Excedrin so it's a good option), and roughly monthly greater occipital nerve blocks (I teach my trainees to do it using myself as a subject). I wouldn't mind trying the Botox but it's a PITA to get in to see our only local Neurology provider and since my migraines are relatively well-controlled (probably 1-2 headache days a week right now) I don't think it's worth the effort.

I also really got a lot out of this lecture, so give it a try.

[thrashkink-coven]

Lucifer has been such an incredible presence in my life when it comes to addiction.

I am disabled and suffer from chronic nerve pain and debilitating migraines that cause paralysis and other not so fun things. Most days weed is the only thing that can bring me relief. The painkilling drugs have helped a bit, but weed is the only substance I’ve found that can actually ease the pain almost instantly. Because of that I have become heavily addicted to weed. There’s really no way for me to function without it. Or maybe there is, I wouldn’t know because I have an active addition. I don’t want to stop smoking weed, and unless it’s posing an immediate threat to my health, I probably never will.

I can be completely aware of how heavily I rely on my addiction whilst still being addicted. Weed is medicine for me, but I also know that sometimes I smoke just because, not because I’m in pain or anything, but because I’m just bored. I know that I don’t need to constantly be using weed as medicine to be allowed to just enjoy it, and others in my same situation may not consider it an addiction, but I do and I’m at peace with that. I can confidently say I am addicted to weed.

Lucifer helped me come to terms with the reality of my situation. Everyone is addicted to something, using some kind of substance or drug to cope with this sick fuck of a world we live in. Being addicted is not a moral dilemma, it doesn’t make you a bad person, and being sober doesn’t make you a good person. The problem is not with the reality of needing something, the problem is with letting that indulgence get to the point of causing me real harm.

There have been times when I’ve been being so hard on myself, actively trying to cut back or quit, putting myself through unnecessary nerve pain, and migraines because I feel “bad” about giving into that urge. It makes me feel weak, like I’m not in control of myself, and Lucifer has come to me and been like

“Bro… lmao you’re fine. Smoke a joint and chill out, you deserve it today. This isn’t causing you harm right now, it’s okay. You’re not doing anything bad. Im here to tell you that this is okay.”

And, at the very same time, there have been days when I’ve smoked 5 or 7 a day, scraping the last scraps of weed together to smoke a pathetic bowl from a dirty ass pipe, and Lucifer has come to me and been like

“Bro, it’s time to take a break. Your tongue is caked white from the constant cotton mouth. Your throat is sore and inflamed. You’re dizzy, your eyes are glazed over. You feel dumb. You can’t think. Your smoking is actively giving you an even worse headache. You’re not even getting high any more. It’s time to stop.”

and … I’m so fucking grateful for that. There’s a very human tendency to either be super strict with myself to the point of borderline self harm or not give a fuck and let myself indulge to the point of hurting myself. Lucifer has always been the one to keep me in line respectfully, to say “you can do this thing if it makes you feel good, but I will not let you do it to the point of making you feel bad.”

I love how understanding he is of the human condition. He doesn’t pressure me to be perfect or scold me when I’m doing bad. He just presents the facts the way it is, without judgement or disappointment. Hey, you’re slipping, we need to get it back together. Hey, you’re doing fine, allow yourself to relax for a bit. Life is a balancing act. If we keep in check with ourselves and we’ll be just fine.

Thank you infinitely, Lucifer. I know Im in good hands when Im with you.

[intertexts]

ROSXSSSSSSSSS can u talk abt muse. pls. muse is the part of nhw that drivrs me the most crazy insane. makes me feel GENUINELY ILL i was reading one of ur most recent muse posts earlier and was like. Oh. ohhhhhhhhh oucwch. ouchiees. had 2 put my phone down and just stare at my desk at work for a minute or so. oh my god. tell me abt nhw ashe a lil bit!!!! his brief lucid moments as muse. does he ever snap out of it while using his powers???? how horrifuying is that. what is he like when hes finally not under the trickster's control and is completely free??? whats it like when hes back with the wards???? im going 2 throw something ougbghh nhw ashe i love u

GODDDDDDD. HIIII WHISKEY HI <333 insane person questions 2 ask because thats literally exactly what i've been thinking about for hours. holy shit. ok. yeah. u get insane 1130pm thought trains!!!! <3333

>it is VERY RARE for him to snap out of it while he's actively in his breaker state [non-lucid state regardless of whether he's being controlled, he's just. going on autopilot & instinct + thats also the terrifying reality melting one that the trickster Likes and chose him for. so.] just bcos he's fucked up regardless-- it happens a couple times!! during a couple fights that mark & tide + the wards are there for!! mackerel also had some thoughts on this i need 2 fucking pick his brain more tomorrow....

>when the trickster is finally Gone (via mal). um. things are. i will be real with you!!!!!!! they are Not Great!!!! they are-- better!!! still fucking Bad!! first of all wibby & virion & dakota are. horrifically traumatized by seeing muse disembowel and tear apart william while still keeping him alive and with all his senses & pain receptors intact. like, he survives, mal puts him back together, but it is-- not. something that any of them easily come back from, especially wibby. they all have involuntary trauma responses towards just. seeing ashe, really-- it's been long enough that their first thought when they see him isn't "oh our awesome best friend ashe :]" it's "oh god oh fuck how did the trickster get here." which everyone hates!!!

ashe specifically... god. he is in a fucking horrific headspace immediately post-muse. the physical and mental strain of being forcibly kept in his breaker state (something that, like, historically, had triggered maybe.. twice. three times. in ten years or so.) as long and as often as he was took a fucking toll. being kept under almost 24/7 mind control for almost a year straight kind of put his head in the blender. for the first... god, whoever knows how long after that, he gets, like, almost daily pulsing headaches & migraines with the aura and confusion and nausea & shit. has a whole host of fucking brain issues-- debilitating anxiety & paranoia over being followed & watched, delusions related to. well. being fucking lobotomized by an insane sadistic superpowered murderer who controlled you and kept you as his favorite toy and had you commit horrific acts for over a year. frequently is terrified or convinced he's still being controlled. shit like that. severe derealization & disconnection frm his own body & such.

also ^ yeag. <3 he is. god. simultaneously insanely touch-repulsed & touch-starved because. the only person really touching him for a year was the trickster!!! yeah!!! his wires r so fucking crossed & he freaks the fuck out whenever anybody makes to touch him and he also misses it so badly, just wants a fucking hug from his dad but for a while he can't even do that without flashbacks and nausea and terror. the same except ten times worse for anyone touching his hair. freaks out when anybody tries to do Anything fucking... caretaking or comforting, really. which sucks because he also is in a ton of physical pain & damage from the insane amount of physical stress-- nothing permanent in a debilitating way, but. y'know. even after he's healed he aches and his joints hurt and he can't stand for too long without it being Bad and it takes a very long time for him to get his coordination and fine motor skills back-- anyway, it's a nasty feedback loop because he very much Cannot do some things on his own but anyone helping him almost always brings back trickster shit. can't help him into the shower can't drape a blanket over him or move him somewhere more comfy if he falls asleep on the couch can't hug him etc!!! & all this while the rest of the gang is also. incredibly fucked up & they're all accidentally hitting each other where they're already hurt and unintentionally triggering each other and like-- it's better!! god!! it's so much better! but it's still. u know. he has to have the worst most miserable excruciating long recovery arc. OH. YEAH. he also straight up fucking refuses to use his powers. is just. incredibly horrified and guilty and full of self-loathing and revulsion at everything that was done using him as a tool. is unspeakably terrified of it happening again, of him accidentally hurting anyone. etc. anyway. it gets better!!!!!!!!!! it gets worse before it gets better though. yeag. yeah.

[snowdrrops]

MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING

FEAT; march 7th/danheng WC; 1k SUMMARY; march and danheng wake up in the dark together after being poisoned contains spoilers for hsr!! you've been warned

also on ao3!

Polar opposites they are. While he yearns for moments of comfortable, tranquil silence, all she wanted was to go on yet another adventure that had a fifty-fifty chance of turning into an ambush. 

Danheng silently thanks whoever has been watching over him. Ever since the arrival of their new travelling companion, March has visibly been holding herself back a lot more. He still sees the way her eyes sparkle upon catching a glimpse of a place of interest when they roam the streets of Jarilo-IV, but that spark would be snuffed out the moment she took into account Stelle’s presence.

He knows it is because she is concerned for Stelle’s safety, and doesn't want to bring her to places that might pose a threat to her well-being. 

Sometimes, March will catch Danheng’s silent, observing gaze and something will pass between them. She regains that little spark of light that never stops clinging onto her, while he just nods. He doesn't know what to call these short, seemingly insignificant moments of understanding between them. Friendship?

Danfeng doesn't get the opportunity to speak to her privately the moment they set foot into Jarilo, until a certain blue-haired man poisons them with gas.

March wakes up with a migraine that makes her feel as though her head is in the process of being ripped apart from the insides. Memories from the night before come rushing back like a tidal wave. A vivid image of being surrounded by Bronya and the Silvermane Guards flashes into her mind, followed by the distinct dark blue of Sampo’s dark blue hair as she lost consciousness.

And now, here she is.

“What the hell was in that gas, seriously?” 

Slowly, March turns her head towards Danheng, who happens to be laying right beside her. She does not think about the very few inches between their bodies. 

March laughs. Or at least, she tries to. What comes out of her mouth sounds more like a strangled gasp. She feels her face heat from embarrassment. 

“...Are you alright?” Danheng tilted his head to get a better look at her, his eyes filled with concern. 

“Of course,” she replies, keeping the worsening pain of the migraine out of her voice. March doesn’t want to think about the embarrassment of Danheng finding out about the suffering she’s enduring. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He hesitates. “It’s just that you sound as if someone took your camera away.”

Alarmed, she pats her sides to find the camera still on her person. A soft sigh of relief escapes her. 

A snort can be heard from beside her, and March almost shifts to hit Danheng’s shoulder before her head starts to throb even more painfully. She hardly holds back her wince.

Danheng sits up on his elbows, looking down at her in obvious worry now. “March, what’s wrong?”

She averts her gaze and wills her attention away from the pain and towards his voice. “Nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

“It’s just a minor headache, jeez.” she snaps and regret hits her instantly. “...I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

To her surprise, Danheng gets up and rummages through his pockets before handing her a blister pack, half of the bubbles already empty. “I always carry these with me in case I get a migraine. I know how debilitating it can be, take one.” he explains.

She blinks, not knowing what to say to him. March has never seen him suffer through a migraine before, which should’ve happened at least once since they have been travelling companions for so long. Why is she only finding out now?

“Thank you.” March accepts it and swallows one, scrunching her face up at the bitter aftertaste. 

Silence ensues. 

She wonders how many other things she doesn’t know about Danheng, and the number that she ends up with turns out to be a lot. She’s always been curious about him, but also knows that he’s not always down for chit-chat or retellings of life stories. 

March has never pried much and only listens when he’s willing to share, which happens to be on rare occasions. It occurred mostly5 during the aftermath of dangerous missions, where they would be in an infirmary in the dark of night and he would bring up some detail about his childhood in a moment of vulnerability. There was an unspoken vow to never talk about it the next day, but March would find herself looking at him differently in the week that followed.

She is looking at him differently now, as well.

“Do you miss adventuring?”

The sudden question throws her off guard, and she jerks her head towards him just a little too quickly. “Everyday is an adventure.”

He raises an eyebrow at March, calling bullshit on her.

“It’s not as fun as it used to be, but I’m still liking it a lot,” she says, deciding on a half-truth. 

A smirk plays on his lips, and March frowns at him. “What?”

“Liar,” he replies, almost teasingly. “I know you better than you might think, March.”

She huffs out a breath. “I’m not lying.”

His smirk only grows. “Your hands fidget a lot when you lie.”

Looking down at her fingers, she scoffs and stills them. “So what if I’m lying?”

Danheng shrugs. “You don’t have a reason to lie. I won’t tell Stelle and cause unnecessary worry.”

March almost chokes on her own saliva. “Y-you won’t?”

“I don’t have a reason to…”

Determined, she sits up and faces him. “Swear on it.”

He stares at her outstretched pinky with incredulity, like he can’t believe what she’s saying. “Are you five years old?”

March rolls her eyes at him but stands her ground. “C’mon.”

Resigned, he holds out his pinky and intertwines it with hers. The warmth of Danheng’s pinky alone takes her by surprise, feeling her heart leap in her chest.

“Happy now?” he asks, disconnecting their hands while laughing. 

March nods, feeling a little light-headed, and it wasn’t from just the migraine. 

[revenant-coining]

(i dont think i have migraines, nor am i trying to claim i have migraines, i just have constant minor headaches and want to know what it's like for those who experience migraines) <- i have no idea why i wrote this long thing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I was wondering if you could explain some differences in migraines and headaches (+other symptoms?) cuz i struggle with reading the definitions when they seem pretty broad

ok so, migraines are a type of headache ! what most people think of when you say headache is a tension headache or stress headache, but headache is just a broad umbrella term for head pain !

so ig the difference between a headache and migraine would be the pain severity, pain location, how long the pain lasts, and other additional symptoms.

migraines are typically intense and debilitating pain, are often localized on one half of the face, that can last from ( 2-3 ? ) hours to days, and can include symptoms like affects on vision, nausea, migraine aura, and pounding and throbbing pain.

while ( tension ) headaches are distracting pain, can last from half an hour to days, and include symptoms like dull tightness and nausea

they very much so overlap so it can def be hard 2 tell them apart '^^

my personal way of telling them apart ( cause i get. all kinds of headaches / migraines ) is where they fall on the pain scale in regards to my pain tolerance ! i consider 0-4 headaches and 7-9 migraines. 5-6 is a grey area so i rely on other symptoms 2 tell the difference, and 10 would be unconscious so :p

this post is kinda all over the place cause they're so Much information between the differences and overlapping-ness but i do hope this helps !

[cazort]

It seems a really basic fact of life that different people have different physical tolerances to different stimuli.

Someone with a severe peanut or shellfish allergy may be sent into life-threatening anaphylactic shock through exposure to one of these allergens. A few other allergic people might break out in hives and/or experience stomach upset. Most people will experience nothing at all and enjoy eating these foods in quantities.

Certain visual stimuli like rapidly flashing lights might send epileptic people into seizures. A few other people might respond to such stimuli with something ranging from a debilitating migraine to a minor headache. Most people will experience nothing at all.

This is normal and we accept this. At least most of us do. (I do sometimes see people not accepting or arguing about potentially life-threatening conditions like severe allergies or epilepsy, and this is really shitty and it really pisses me off, but it does seem these things are more widely "accepted" than the sorts of stressors autistic people face.)

So why is it so hard for some people to accept that for some people, certain sounds, smells, or textures can be debilitating? Why do we need an officially-sanctioned diagnosis in order to actually listen to people and respect their needs? Why is it not enough for a person to say: "I cannot focus or function / I will be likely to have a mental breakdown / I will be in great discomfort / I cannot complete that task ... with that sound going / that smell present / the lighting the way it is / having to feel that texture against my body."

Why is it that people can observe a person trying hard and having repeated meltdowns in the same situation, and trying to express their boundaries verbally, and yet people still won't believe the person? The person can have a medical diagnosis of autism or some other named disorder and people will still won't acknowledge what they're saying?

There are plenty of people in my life who do respect these boundaries too, showing it's not at all hard to accommodate people. For example in elementary school, I would often feel severely uncomfortable to the point of being unable to concentrate, if made to sit in a chair with an acrylic plastic seat. I was fine with wooden chairs, and ceramic chairs were my favorite. Some teachers would allow me to switch out an acrylic plastic chair for a ceramic chair, and I would move it myself (no work for anyone but me) and it would hugely improve my experience in class, I would be more relaxed and would focus more in class and be less disruptive.

It cost nothing for the teachers to do this. The few teachers who refused? What did they get? Me feeling like crap and then acting out and disrupting class. All for what? No one gained anything and everyone lost, now there was a cranky Alex who was disrupting class and not in a pleasant way that made other people laugh, just in a way that pissed off the teacher, pissed off my peers, and made me feel like crap. Lose-lose.

Just listen to people and trust them and accommodate them. It's that simple. Most of the time we know how to fix our issues ourselves, we just need to be allowed to do it.

P.S. as a corollary to this I would like us to teach elementary-age kids to express and articulate their needs earlier. So much energy is put into telling them to shut up and submit to authority and so little is spent teaching them how to express themselves, I think changing this up would also solve a lot of these problems. More articulate autistic and neurodivergent people might also be able to get their points across more easily and partly solve this problem. But again, we need a will from the people in charge to advocate for, or at least accept, these sorts of changes.

one of the things that makes autism a disability (and why some of us choose to label it as such rather than an “alternate neurotype”) is the stress. 

part of autism is just being incredibly stressed. overstimulation? stress. holding a conversation? stress. something happening to our schedule? stress. people talk about how often autism is recognized and diagnosed via our stress responses (like meltdowns) because it is just so common to see autistic people stressed because of lack of accommodations to how our brains work.

and this matters because stress kills. stress causes a lot of health issues, or it can trigger pre-existing ones by making certain chronic conditions flare up. i once had a psychiatrist very unhelpfully tell me i “just need to manage my stress” when the stress i was describing was things i could not avoid in neurotypical society and can’t “just get over”. i can do “self care” all i like but i cannot at the very base level change the way my brain inputs information and reacts accordingly.

[healthremedyhub]

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If you suffer from migraines, you know just how debilitating they can be, right? 😩 The pounding headache, the nausea, the sensitivity to light and sound - it's enough to bring even the strongest person to their knees. And for so many of us, the only way to find relief is by reaching for strong painkillers.

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Magnesium is an essential mineral that plays a critical role in over 300 vital bodily processes, including regulating our nerve and muscle function. For migraine sufferers, it's especially important because it helps calm the hyperactive brain activity and blood vessel constriction that trigger those debilitating attacks.

Studies show that people who experience frequent migraines often have lower levels of magnesium compared to those who don't. And when you supplement with magnesium, it can actually help restore that balance, preventing the neurological and vascular changes that lead to migraines in the first place. 🧠

In fact, the research is really clear on this - magnesium supplements can reduce the frequency, duration, and severity of migraines by up to an incredible 42%! 🤯 And unlike prescription migraine meds, magnesium is completely natural and non-habit forming. It's a total game-changer.

To get the maximum migraine-fighting benefits, I take a high-quality magnesium supplement with at least 400mg per day. I started taking it daily, even when I wasn't experiencing a migraine, and it's helped prevent those debilitating attacks before they could even start. 💪

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[cantarella-if]

I’m sorry to report that Cantarella’s demo release has to be pushed back until early 2022.  This was not an easy decision to make, but at this point, I don’t think I will be able to have time to write, code, and deal with my personal life all at once and I don’t want to sacrifice quality for quantity with this project or any others.

As some of you who follow me on AgonyDearest may know, I suffer from debilitating migraine headaches, and recently found out what was causing them.  It’s nothing life-threatening, but I have decided to go through with the sinus surgery that will hopefully improve my breathing and get rid of the pain for good.  In fact, the surgery is scheduled for the day after my birthday in about three weeks and I’m a bundle of nerves.  I won’t be able to write any updates for the week after because I will be hurting while my nose heals. and I don’t want that to influence the storyline or how well I code this game for all of you.

As I said, I agonized over this decision for a long time and it was not a choice I made lightly by any means.  I would gladly take my time and do things right for my followers and project then risk being in intense pain like I have been for months, and I hope you can all respect my decision.

This does not mean I will be silent while recovering, however.  Not by a long shot.  I will sill be on here reading messages and interacting with you all; it makes me so happy to hear from all of you and get to know my readers and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.  I just won’t be able to do anything strenuous for up to two weeks following the surgery.  

I’ve currently planned the character creation portion of the demo and outlined the murder scene and have one third of the prologue drawn up in a rough draft (I know, I write slow, I’m sorry!) so I’m confident that the latest I will have it published for you all will be by either the end of January or start of February 2022.  I know it’s a long way away, and I want to thank everyone for their patience as I deal with preparing for the procedure and focus on recovering as quickly as possible.

In the meantime, I’m also considering creating a Patreon, but that will be decided at a later date if I surpass 400 followers by the holidays.  It’s in my mind, and for now it will stay there.

i know this isn’t the update you all wanted to see, but I want you all to know I’ve grateful for your support and you patience at this time.  We’re almost there!

Love, Nik

[captainisabelaswann]

You can also get *occular* migraines! The vision in one eye tends to go for an hour or so, and while it's usually associated with headaches, you *can* get them without the pain. I personally usually get a blank spot in my eye, which is how I know I've gotten both an occular migraine and probably a regular one, it's just not with the usual debilitating pain that comes with a normal one.

While I have a migraine on Christmas Eve let’s talk about other aspects of migraines besides the pain that comes in waves because for me and many others the pain isn’t the worst symptom of migraines.

Migraines may include:

Feeling tired

Your brain feeling like mush

Getting a stuffy/runny nose (why many people think they get sinus headaches when really they are getting migraines)

Before a migraine, hallucinating smells

Nausea

Vomiting

Feeling tired and full of brain fog the next day

Muscle pain in your neck and back

Dull uncomfortable pressure rather than pain

Distorted vision/general sensitivity to light

Sensitivity to sound

Irritability

Scalp tenderness

Lightheadedness/dizziness

And more!

[pinkfruitgender]

ive seen a lot of posts on my dash lately about questioning physical disability, and i wanted to talk about my experiences with it.

my brain tumour has caused me a variety of physical symptoms for my entire life. im legally blind, i often cant keep my balance while standing, i suffer from intense, debilitating migraines every single day, im constantly fatigued and dehydrated - thats just a fraction of the physical symptoms that come with my condition. ive had my tumour for my entire life and i still have it.

ive heard people say that the base pain level for able-bodied people is 0, and i dont think thats correct. its normal for someone to have pain even if they arent disabled. if you sleep on a crummy bed, youre going to have a sore back. if you dont drink enough water, youre going to have headaches. there are a lot of ways that an able-bodied person can be in pain. thats why its important to review your symptoms and look for any possible explanation for them that isnt disability. when youve done that and it still doesnt make sense, or if something about your body is just feeling/acting seriously wrong, thats when its time to look into diagnosis.

i dont live in america, so my advice wont be as helpful to those without free healthcare, but my advice is this: see a doctor. see as many doctors as it takes for you to get help. if the first seven doctors cant help you, go to an eighth. if your doctor gives you treatment that isnt working, talk to them. there are doctors that care about you and care about helping you, and finding them is incredibly valuable.

when my symptoms were dismissed, i went to a doctor that cared about me. she sent me for scans. she did blood tests. she found out what was causing my suffering and she referred me to people who could help. you need to find a doctor who can do that for you. i know it can be intimidating to go to a doctor about a problem that you dont fully understand - i thought i might have just been imagining things right up until they told me i had a brain tumour. but you need to do it, because when you get that help, it changes your life. its freeing. i can do so many things now that i thought i would never be able to do before i found doctors who could treat me with care.

take care of your body. nobody knows your symptoms better than you, but there are plenty of people who know how to treat your symptoms better than you could know and better than you could do. you just need to find them.

if anyone has any questions about this, let me know. disability is something im very passionate about and i love to help.

[nightwingmyboi]

Is it okay to ask for a short summary of the Ric Grayson arc? I want to read the comics but I don't really want to risk my temper and mental health. I just want to see which parts I can read without exploding.

Yeah, I feel that. It’s a bit of a frustrating read. Basically: 

Dick is shot in the head, wakes up with amnesia due to drugs given to him by Dr. Haas. 

Dr. Haas’ conditioning and manipulation, along with his family’s pushy behavior, make Dick hesitant about his family. Bruce showing Dick a video of him being shot in the head is the final nail in the coffin. Dick freaks out, and no longer wants anything to do with Nightwing or the family. 

Dr. Haas suggests moving to Bludhaven. Dick does so, burning his old Nightwing hideout upon arrival. 

Dick is homeless on the streets, and takes a job as a cab driver to get some cash. He often goes to Bea Bennett’s bar, and the two begin to form a relationship. Meanwhile, a cop finds Dick’s suits, and decides to form a squad of Nightwings. 

Dick has violent, reoccurring nightmares, and goes to therapy sessions with the Scarecrow. 

Dick helps the Nightwings beat Scarecrow, and reluctantly is let into the group. 

Dick helps the Nightwings beat other crooks, including Duela Dent. As his relationship with Bea continues to develop, Dick tells her everything--about Robin, Nightwing, the amnesia, and his work with the Nightwings. 

Eventually Cobb attacks, and Dick gets put into memory-altering googles that give him a new set of memories--life growing up as a Talon. 

He is briefly a Talon, and is freed by a lucky hit to the googles. 

Dick has debilitating migraines because of the two sets of memories, and goes to Dr. Haas for help, only to discover her connection to the Court. Dick tracks her down and retrieves a memory crystal--an important tool in controlling him. 

The Joker gets the crystal, and implants Dick with a third set of memories, this one including his parents beating him and him becoming the Joker’s son. 

Dick attacks Jason and then Barbara with Punchline’s help. Eventually, people are able to get the crystal away from the Joker, and Bea gives it to Dick so that he can free himself. He does so. 

The family gives Dick a pat on the back, and the Nightwing suit. 

Dick’s really been through the wringer. I wonder when the last time he’s eaten or slept is...on top of all the brainwashing that’s messing with his head, how is he even functioning. Give this boy a granola bar, aspirin, and a nap please DC. 

If you want a more thorough breakdown, or to pick and choose comics to read, I figured it might be easier if I summarized by issue? Under the readmore. 

Batman #55: Dick is shot in the head. The bullet makes a pfffft sound effect for whatever reason. The suffering begins. 

Warning!! Get ready to be told over and over again in Dick’s internal narration that: a) Dick has amnesia b) he does NOT go by DICK c) he definitely doesn’t want to be Nightwing or be part of his family and d) he is a sad hobo man now. Onward. 

Nightwing Annual #1: Dick talks to his doctor about how his recovery is going. In flashbacks, we are shown the aftermath of the shooting and Dick’s recovery in the hospital. There is a particularly stirring scene with Damian in Dick’s hospital room...but from there the family’s handling of the situation is poor. This is the issue where the family shows Dick the video of him getting his brains blown out to jog his memory. Dick freaks out, and leaves the manor in a panic, determined to have nothing more to do with his family or Nightwing. 

Nightwing #50: Flashbacks to Dick’s time as Robin, fighting the Scarecrow. In the present, Dick tries to acclimate to his new life. We are given details of Dick’s condition, including his blackouts and his homeless status. Barbara tries to talk Ric into returning to the manor, and he refuses. The family concludes that there is nothing they can do. Dick burns down his Nightwing hideout. 

Nightwing #51: A touching scene with Alfred, checking on Dick. A cop stumbles upon the burned Nightwing suits, and decides to become Nightwing himself. Dick continues to try and sort himself out. He is almost mugged, and accidentally breaks out some Nightwing moves, seriously injuring the mugger. 

Nightwing #52-55: A group of cops decides to become Nightwing. Scarecrow continues to cause havoc in Bludhaven. Once again, Dick’s doctor is a supervillain--he goes to a therapy sessions with the Scarecrow. Bea and Dick’s relationship begins to take off; they are actually fairly sweet and have a fun dynamic, definitely a bright spot in these comics (that you’ll want to hold onto). 

Nightwing #56: A bit of a turning point. Dick sees one of the Nightwing squad get hurt, and feels the need to step in--he doesn’t want anyone dying in his place. He helps the group beat Scarecrow. 

Nightwing #57: Duela Dent comes to town. Barbara talks with Bea. The Nightwing’s give Dick permission to work with them, ironically :/ Dick helps them take down Duela Dent. Barbara meets up with Dick and apologizes to him for some of her behavior, then leaves. 

Nightwing #58-61: The Nightwings “train” Dick (lol). They continue to question whether he is capable and can be trusted, oscillating between “wow he’s impressive!” to “I don’t know if the newbie’s ready for this” to “you’re no Nightwing.” Backstory time for the Nightwings, Dick’s relationship with Bea continues to grow (she gets him a phone, which he didn’t have before RIP) and the gang fights a living fire. 

Nightwing #62-63: Dick continues to help the Nightwings. He lets Bea in on everything--the fact that he was Robin and Nightwing, that he was shot in the head and lost his memory, and that he is going out into the city to help the Nightwings when needed. She doesn’t like how he puts himself at risk, but supports him, saying that he can’t help but be a good person. The Court of Owls begins to close in, attacking one of the Nightwings. 

Nightwing #64-67: Cobb attacks Bea, leading to a fight between Dick and Talon. Talon overpowers Dick, and forces him to wear memory-altering googles that implant a second life in his head--a life as a Talon. He briefly becomes a Talon, attacks the Nightwings, and is freed due to a lucky hit to the googles. 

Nightwing #68: Cool Travis Moore art at the beginning of this one, detailing some of Dick’s true memories. Satisfying to see Dick beat Cobb up a little, and tell him that no one can define him but him. And despite all the crazy crap that just went down, Bea reaffirms that she’s willing to stick it out. 

Nightwing #69-71: Memories of his two lives war in Dick’s head, causing debilitating headaches. Bea and Dick discover Dr. Haas is responsible for Dick’s memory loss, and Dick tracks her down. He manages to take a memory crystal from Haas--a key tool in controlling him--but it falls into the Joker’s hands shortly after. Joker uses it to implant new memories--memories of Dick by the Joker’s side as his son. 

Red Hood and the Outlaws #48: A masked Dick Grayson attacks Jason. With Punchline’s help, Jason is knocked out. 

Nightwing #72-73: Bea calls Barbara for help. Barbara tracks Dick down, only to be defeated by him and Punchline. Barbara wonders how Dick could do this to her (because he’s been brainwashed Barb) and is forced to fight Dick in a cage match. Dick’s internal narration has devolved into nonsensical sentence fragments :( He remembers his parents beating him, which is a heartbreaking thought. In the end, Barbara runs away to save a hospital. Dick runs into Jason and Tim.  

Nightwing #74: Dick fights Jason and Tim. Barbara arrives and attacks the Joker, causing him to drop the crystal. Bea (ran from Bludhaven to try to help Dick) gives the crystal to Dick so that he can free himself. He does so. Batman arrives to say that “he’s ours again” and acts like Dick hadn’t just spent the last several comics being treated as an object to be passed around. The family barely reacts to Dick’s return. Bea runs back to Bludhaven, thinking that Ric no longer needs her. Overall, underwhelming and frustrating stuff here. 

Batman #99: Batman hands Dick a Nightwing costume. Back to work. 

[discussdnd]

Migraines

Some of you may have guessed that today’s topic is not going to be about DnD. This one is going to be a little bit more personal. I have been diagnosed with migraines 3 years ago, but have had them for a while. Not exactly sure how long, but longer than 3 years. In this blog entry, I would like to share my experiences and basic knowledge with you.

Now, I am sure some of you have already heard the term “migraine”. But what is it exactly? Migraine is a genetic condition of recurring moderate to severe headaches, that come with throbbing pain, usually lasting from four hours up to three days. It typically begins on one side of the head, but it may spread to both sides, and is usually accompanied by nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to light, sounds, and smells. It is also often preceded by an aura. In a shorter description, migraine is a debilitating condition and has no cure as far as I know.

What is an “aura” you might ask? Well, when it comes to migraine terms, having an aura means, that you can experience visual disturbances (such as seeing colored spots or lines, zig-zag patterns), and/or numbness, and/or tingling sensation in different parts of your body, sometimes muscle weakness as well, and/or feeling dizzy and off-balance. However, it doesn’t always come with or before migraines. It is possible to not have them, yet still, have migraines.

Another term you might come across in this topic is “triggers”. These are the things that can and most probably will bring on migraines. Now, this one is just as unique as it can be. Each migraine sufferer has different triggers. These can be foods, drinks, noises, smells, weather, anything you can think of. For example, my main trigger is the changes in weather, especially drastic ones. Other things that bring on my migraines are extreme amounts of stress and alcohol. At least, these are that I know of.

What I think gets the least recognition with this condition is the emotional part. I know that I have been struggling ever since my migraines started becoming more and more aggressive and frequent. Not only does it drain me physically, but emotionally as well. Each time I am crippled with pain, reduced to a trembling, nauseous heap on the couch, I feel like a failure. I often catch myself hating myself for this, and often feel like I am just overreacting. But I am not, and have to remind myself of that quite often. Given that this is an “invisible illness”, there is a great chance that people will not believe you, and that can be quite frustrating on its own. Or when people do not understand the seriousness of this condition and tell you that this is “just a bad headache” and that you should stop being so dramatic. IT. IS NOT. JUST. A. BAD. HEADACHE.

If you happen to make friends with someone who has migraines, the best thing you can do is educate yourself about this (for example read up on the topic, ask your friend that has this condition about it, or talk to a neurologist friend if you have one). You feel bad for them is not going to help, just make the whole situation even worse. How people affected by this condition deal with their migraine attacks varies. What you can do to help is ask them first about such. Maybe help them to a quiet and dark room, and just be considerate. Patience is really important too, as these people have a harder time doing everyday tasks (walking, speaking, focusing, etc.) during a migraine episode.

Now, I know this seems a lot at first glance, but in reality, it is not much you need to remember if you are not affected by this condition. All you need to know is to be considerate and patient, as these people cannot help being in pain, it is not under their control. NEVER say to these people, that this is just a bad headache because it is not.

This blog entry is based on my experience.

[chronicmigrainetime]

Hey, so this is a bit of a vent but also an ask for help. Either way, feel free to ignore if you need.

I suffer from chronic migraines. I know they wont ever go away, but I need them to be manageable. Every time the weather changes, I get anything but 12 hours of sleep (which even then I'm still exhausted), I eat a new type of food (or something other than like, the same 5 meals), reading, going outside, when I get excited, stressed, bored, literally anything, I get a migraine. This leaves me walking on eggshells and unable to keep up with schoolwork because I'm in bed with a migraine and/or brain fog has caused me to forget the past few months. My neurologist has sent me away every time saying I need more therapy and to talk to a psychiatrist because I have anxiety. This has been happening for years and while admittedly anxiety can cause a couple migraines, being able to manage my anxiety doesnt make any improvement. Also, I cant just turn off my emotions. Like I said, any emotion or thought process, with good or bad associations, makes my head hurt. I've also literally been told to take less medicine, which is not an option for me. I just need a bit of advice on how to get my doctors to listen, because I'm already struggling with being sick all the time and another disability I'm still trying to get them to listen about.

So, I guess my questions to you and to anybody else that struggles with this are: What's the best way to approach my doctor and communicate to her that I need something else than doing yoga or more therapy? How do I push for more ways of management rather than ibuprofen and not having to resort to holistic medicine being my main course of action because I don't have any other option? How do I know when to walk away because I'm not getting the treatment I need? Lastly, how do I keep up with life and what my neurologist is telling me to do when I struggle with brain fog and my parents (the only ones able to attend my appointments with me) aren't a reliable source of said information?

I guess, it'd also just be nice to know that people are or have been in the same boat as me. That this isnt just me being overdramatic and that it's not all in my head.

Again, sorry for the long, rant-y ask.

Hi six-video-game-peaches!

Firstly wow, I’m kind of honoured to get an ask! I’m glad I seem like someone who maybe knows some things 😛

I can really relate to a lot of what you’ve said here, you’re definitely not alone in this and you’re certainly not overreacting. Migraines are terrible and trying to get through to doctors about them can be very difficult. Personally, I also get migraines that seem to be triggered by Everything, I’ve also had difficulties with work because of migraines, and I’ve also had treatment refused until I’ve had more therapy first. I’m sure others have had similar experiences too.

Don’t worry at all about this being long and ranty! (As long as you don’t mind a long and rambly answer!) These are all very valid frustrations and important questions. That said I am going to break this down a bit and answer each question individually:

What's the best way to approach my doctor and communicate to her that I need something else than doing yoga or more therapy?

In my experience when doctors are dealing with migraines they like to see:

a headache diary (more info on that here)

an indication of how many days a month you have migraines and how many of those days are debilitating (e.g. for me it’s 30/30 and 28/30)

a list of things you’ve already tried

Doctors seem to be reluctant to prescribe treatments until other things have been ruled out. Some of these things make sense (for example I was checked for anaemia, and had an MRI to check for brain cancer), but a lot of them are just attempts to dismiss you, which is very annoying. Blaming anxiety often seems to be one of the latter. Migraines and anxiety can be related but if managing your anxiety makes no improvement on your migraines (as is the case for me too) I think it’s safe to say anxiety is not the cause.

I would recommend being firm about what you have tried — and how it has (or hasn’t) affected your migraines — , what you can’t try*, and what you want to try. Sometimes writing a physical list and giving it to them to read can help if being firm out loud is too daunting

*The reason your doctor will have asked you to try coming off medications is to try and rule out medication overuse headache, but if coming off medications is not an option your doctor should be focused on trying to help you manage your migraines within those constraints

How do I push for more ways of management rather than ibuprofen and not having to resort to holistic medicine being my main course of action because I don't have any other option?

I think a good first step is figuring out what you want to try next, because doctors often don’t know what treatments are available. I’m not sure where you’re based so this might be too UK centric but this website is a very good resource for the kinds of treatments that are available. (It's also just a very good resource on migraines in general, I hightly recommend it)

Personally, when I initially started trying to push for more treatments, I was able to compromise with my doctor on trying a migraine medication that is also an antidepressant (amitriptyline) because he wanted to put me on antidepressants anyway

(Since then I have also tried pizotifen, propranolol, nortriptyline, sumatriptan, topiramate, some non-medication treatments like physio, and I’m currently awaiting a referral for botox, which is to say there are many treatments available so don’t be disheartened if the first thing you try doesn’t work)

How do I know when to walk away because I'm not getting the treatment I need?

I’m no expert in this (not that I am in any of the rest of this either), but in general a good doctor will listen and believe you, and provide options for your treatment but let you decide what is best for you. Doctors who are like this are sadly hard to find but they do exist!

I don’t know your situation, but at the end of the day doctors work for you, so if they’re not meeting your needs it might be time to move on

how do I keep up with life and what my neurologist is telling me to do when I struggle with brain fog and my parents (the only ones able to attend my appointments with me) aren't a reliable source of said information?

I’m not sure entirely what you’re asking here but my general keeping-up-with-life-with-migraines advice would be:

rest when you need to rest

get accommodations as soon as you need them (which could include asking your neurologist to provide the information they’re giving you in a way that is better for you, or talking to your school about accommodations that can be made there)

you are more important than whatever work it is you’re doing, don’t push yourself to breaking over it

 I don’t know if I entirely answered your questions but hopefully something in this will be useful. I hope you are able to find some relief from your migraines and I sincerely wish you all the best 💕

 I am also very aware that this is only the thoughts and experience of one person, so any followers who wish to contribute please feel free to do so!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #331

my head hurts way too badly to think up some intro lyrics, so just g’night.

Have you ever become good friends with someone you never met in person? Oh yeah, I've had best friends over the Internet. Hell, I'm closer to many online friends than I am most irl ones. They know "the real me" more. What do you consider your default mood to be? Stressed, probably. Discontent. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive for? Not long. Proper goldfish husbandry is a very neglected topic, and I sure as hell never knew how to set up its tank adequately. Have you ever been paintballing? No, don't plan to. It looks like it hurts like a bitch. Do you want a large wedding? No. Did you ever collect any sort of cards? I had a very small collection of Pokemon cards. I didn't collect them avidly. What’re the best and worst books you ever had to read for a class? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton was the best. The worst was some book we had to read in the 6th grade about a kid during some war that moved around a lot... I don't remember the name or who wrote it, but it sucked. What’s the best meal you had at an amusement park, or If you haven’t been to one, how about a good meal at another place like a zoo, aquarium or museum? I don't know. I haven't been to many. Who, whether a person or company, emails you the most? My PHP therapist emails me a check-in sheet and Zoom link every day there's a therapy session. What kind of sound or noise freaks you out the most and why do you think it scares you? Let's seeeee... I don't know if there's a sound that actually freaks me out. There are some I don't like, but none that like, frighten me. At least that I can think of. What’s the strangest art piece you’ve come across? Biiiitch there's a painting in Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs I'm not gonna go into, but shit fuckin wild. What’s the most clever or unique name you’ve come across for a business? I've definitely heard some cool ones, but I don't know about one that really stands out to answer this. If you had to name one of your hypothetical future children after a song, which song would you pick? Maybe like... okay, I'm blanking. Good thing I'm not having kids to name then, right? What’s the last song you heard? "Down in the Park" by Marilyn Manson is on atm. What is your favorite line from a TV show? *shrug* Any current family issues? No. How many hours do you spend online a day? How do you feel about that? I'm doing something on the computer pretty much... always. I hate it, and I hate it a lot. I don't want my life to be tied solely to the digital plane. I want to do more than bounce back and forth from website to website. Do you think that people have the power to make their own lives better? Absolutely, but there are some things they simply cannot change. It's about perspective and how you play the deck you're dealt. What is the biggest problem in your life right now? Right now, the most limiting thing is my physical health, probably. Just walking being torture affects my ability to exercise, and my body is a major reason - if not the biggest, at this current time - for my depression. This also plays a massive role in jobs I can handle. Not to sound like my emo self writing middle school poetry, but my body feels like a prison. Do you feel that you are loved? I know I am by some people, though I have a hard time understanding why a lot. What is the one thing you want most from life? Life satisfaction. Pride in what I've accomplished. A regular state of being content. Birthplace? I'm just gonna say in eastern NC. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, merely infatuation. Love is much too deep for that. Do you think dreams eventually come true? Some can, but usually only if you put effort into making that so. Favorite fictional character? like ummmmmmmm have you heard of this sassy bastard called Darkiplier- Go to the movies or rent? Before Covid, I loved going to the theater. It was something to do, plus a giant screen is nice. McDonalds or Burger King? McD's. I'm not a big BK fan. I only really went there during my vegetarian phase for the veggie burger. Current annoyance? This motherfucking headache. Last thing you ate? I have a meal replacement shake with me right now, if you consider that "eating." I didn't have a proper dinner. The last solid food I had though was some cookies and cream Greek yogurt. Last thing you bought? With my own money, I think I bought Mom and I some cheap McDonald's order semi-recently? Or maybe paying my $100 deposit for my tattoo was most recent, idk. Soonest thing you are looking forward to? For Mom to get her CT scan and find out what's going on in there. What did you do today? It was a pretty average day. I woke up way too early, though. The only thing even semi-unique about today was I played World of Warcraft for a few hours again; I've been quite unattached to it lately, but I went through an episode today of actually having fun playing. Oh, and I've been battling a migraine. It's more of a severe headache now, at least, but it still sucks big time. Do you like to see it snowing outside? Oh yes, absolutely! When you were in high school did you ever have bomb threats? I believe once we did from a very volatile student that honestly caused quite a lot of trouble. He's dead now. Who knows ALL of your secrets? Nobody. Did you have a job before you were in college? No. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to have a baby right now? That's a terrifying thought, no. Are you on birth control? Yeah, but just because it tames my menstrual cramps. Without it, they could be debilitating some days. Who is your last sent text to? My best fren. Have you ever eaten at Chipotle before? Possibly? Idr. Do you swear often? Excessively. I had a dirty mouth prior, but my swearing got really bad when I started staying at Jason's house a lot. He and especially his mother swear like mad. Do you own any shirts with a peace symbol on it? No. Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? Not at this house, no. Would you ever go to Japan? Oh, yes. I would love to. It's... very morbid, but I would really like to walk the (public) paths of Aokigahara Forest, nicknamed "Suicide Forest" for the horrible amount of, well, suicides that happen there via hanging. Like, you might just casually run into a dead body. I want to just... feel it there, walk in silence and empathize with people who didn't know what else to do and hope so deeply that those departed know they were never alone in their pain. I know with absolute certainty I'd probably be teary-eyed the whole time and cry a whoooole lot, but it's just an experience I want to have. What was the last thing you went to Walmart for? Some basic groceries. What should you be doing right now? Sleeping, given this headache... I just don't want to yet. Are you afraid of getting your heart broken? I'm fucking terrified of that ever happening again, far more than words can properly express. Have you ever been in a choir? Yes, actually; when I was a Catholic kid, my sisters and I were in the church choir for a year or so, idr. Do you have a Twitter? Yes, but only to like Mark's tweets, haha. Oh, and very rarely enter giveaways I'm interested in. Describe your retainers to me, if you have them, that is. I have a permanent metal one behind my front row of bottom teeth to keep those straight. My upper teeth had one of those normal retainers you take in and out, but I didn't wear it enough, so now it doesn't even fit. Would you like for someone to call you right now? No. I'm tired, my head hurts, and I'm enjoying the song I'm bingeing. It's so weird, I rarely ever go on music hunting trips (no real reason, I just... don't), but I've found great shit lately. Do you like to brush your teeth? No; it's a chore. I only do it because I don't want my teeth decaying, falling out, or getting too yellow, and the taste in your mouth and gritty texture on your teeth isn't exactly great when you don't brush. Have you ever had a surgery? Two. Give out your phone number over the internet? I have over private messages. Do you look older or younger than you actually are? Given my wardrobe (like graphic tees and band shirts), I probably look younger in the eyes of especially older people. I personally say I look my age, though. When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? I never plan to be again. What is the last show that you watched a full episode of? Some cooking show with Mom. Nailed It!, I think? Do you know anyone who lives in Utah? No. I love Utah, though; it's actually a place I'd be willing to live in with just how pretty it is and not super populated. Do you get your feelings hurt easily? VERY. I'm probably one of the most sensitive people you can meet. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? Yeah. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Ugh, yes. What kind of vitamins did you take as a kid? First we took those nasty, chalky Flintstones kinds, but as time passed, Mom moved onto giving us gummy bear vitamins that were perfectly fine. Did you get any compliments today? No. Are you friends with your neighbors? Not "friends," no. What towns have you lived in? Three different ones. That's all you're getting. Have you ever thrown up from drinking? No. Done any illegal drugs? No. I mean I've had some alcohol underage, but I've never done anything remotely hardcore. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been on an airplane without changing flights? Idk. Who have you texted today? My mom and best friend. What time did you wake up this morning? Ugh, like five in the fucking morning. I couldn't go back to sleep. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Making shitty eye contact, and I'm one of those people who "talks with [their] hands." I also lose my train of thought a whoooole lot. Have you ever layed in a hammock? Yeah; we had one growing up. Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? Well yeah, I've had lots of pets, so thus lost some in particularly painful ways. The most scarring loss of a pet though is as follows: Teddy, my dog, picked up one of our cat's very young, wandering kittens in his jaws in a manner that looked as if he was trying to carry it like Aphrodite (the mother cat) does when she would bring them back behind the couch, where she gave birth/had her little "nest." I absolutely freaked and had to pry the kitten from his mouth, and it slowly died in my hands. I think Teddy accidentally crushed its ribs. I. Was. A. Mess. Then, there was Aphrodite herself. I've told the story before of our former neighbors calling animal control because our cats would wander through their yard, and all of our cats were taken away while I was unaware at school. Came home, and they were all gone. Aphrodite was my baby, so I was devastated. Screaming, sobbing, cursing on the porch for like 20 minutes... It was awful. What type of curtains do you like? I don't... know? I don't know the actual names of any types... What type of quality is a must-have in a friend? I absolutely cannot be friends with someone who thinks they're above everyone else. Are you any good at reading someone's body language? I think I am. What goes good with a nice cold glass of milk? Cookies! Especially Oreos. Dip it in there for around five seconds, and it's perfection. What fruit is too sweet to you? Grapefruit came to mind first. How did you feel after your first kiss? I had butterflies galore and was so giddy and smiley. After the first, I just wanted to kiss him a billion more times. What’s your favorite constellation and why? I don't have one. Shower curtain or door? Curtain. The glass doors are too revealing. Have you ever thought to yourself that you’re the luckiest person in the world? Most deeeeefinitely not. What time of day do you most enjoy looking at the sky? Sunset if there are clouds present, but sunrise if the sky is pretty clear.

[kaiunkaiku]

Sickdays 6, May 21st: Noisy

Fandom: MCU

Summary: "He considers trying to find his phone and calling Bruce because really, even if he’s no stranger to debilitating aches this is getting too much even for him. But that would mean talking, or looking at a screen, and both concepts are awful."

Warnings: Tony sucks at taking care of himself, mentions of needles, the whole thing is just a migraine fic

IT’S STILL THE 21ST IN AMERICA SO I’M TECHNICALLY NOT LATE

For @taylortut

Ao3

The world is so goddamn loud. 

It’s really not, he knows, but his ears have lost that memo somewhere, buried under the mountains of work littering the surfaces in the lab. Tony presses his hands harder on his ears as the soft, mechanical whirring of automated processes in his lab slices into his brain. He’s already resigned himself to painkillers, but that was hours ago and his head is still splitting in two, every noise and every glinting light making it exponentially worse. 

He doesn’t know what time it is; he doesn’t even know what day it is. He muted JARVIS when everything was starting to get too much so he can’t ask him, because unmuting him sounds like a world of pain. He has no idea how long it’s been. He feels like he’s been in pain forever. 

(He has been in pain forever, but this specific pain has probably lasted significantly less than that.)

He’s tired as hell. He can’t sleep because his head hurts like hell. He would probably feel better if he could fall asleep. 

He considers trying to find his phone and calling Bruce because really, even if he’s no stranger to debilitating aches this is getting too much even for him. But that would mean talking, or looking at a screen, and both concepts are awful. He found out some time ago that even his own voice grates at his ears. Hours ago? Maybe? Days? How long has it been? 

His thought process isn’t what it should be. It’s halting every few steps, sometimes crumbling altogether, and he can’t string two coherent thoughts together even when he can make them separately. Sleep deprivation, probably. Maybe dehydration. Definitely a migraine. He’s gonna throw up if he tries to put anything in his mouth, water included. 

Turns out, he doesn’t have to venture away from his ratty couch in search for his phone after all, even if the idea is sounding increasingly tempting while also sounding absolutely dreadful, because at some point of Tony wallowing in his misery the door to his lab opens and someone walks in. The footsteps sound like bombs going off in his head.

“Tony?” Bruce’s voice is low, not quite a whisper but almost, but Tony can’t suppress the groan he makes at the stab the word takes at his brain anyway. 

“There you are. Talk to me.” Tony cracks one eye open and comes face to face with Bruce hovering over him. A warm hand is placed on his forehead; it feels both comforting and painful, the act itself welcome but the contact burning on his hypersensitive skin. 

“Hi there, Brucie,” Tony breathes out, letting his eye fall back shut. “Nothing to talk about. Jus’ a headache.” He tries to give Bruce a crooked smile, but he’s fairly sure it comes out as a grimace. 

“Tony, nobody has seen you in three days. You muted JARVIS sixteen hours ago. He’s been freaking out a bit.” That long? Huh. “That’s not just a headache. Have you taken anything for it? When’s the last time you drank water?” 

Tony presses the heels of his palms to his eyes and takes a deep breath. Exhales slowly through his mouth. Bruce’s hand on his forehead shifts, moves closer to his hairline and travels into his hair. It’s probably greasy and disgusting as hell. If he’s been in his lab for three days he probably hasn’t showered in at least four. 

Right. Bruce asked him something. 

“Dunno,” he mumbles. Was there something else? Yeah, the painkillers. “Uh, took a few pills at some point. Didn’t help. Time’s all,” he makes a wavy gesture with one hand that bumps into Bruce’s arm,” screwy.”

“I bet,” Bruce huffs. Tony gets the feeling he’s smiling a little. “You should be in medical, but the place is a nightmare.” The hand disappears from his hair. Tony is inclined to agree – he avoids doctors other than Bruce whenever he can already, and SHIELD medical is its own kind of hell. The lights are always too bright, there are people bustling around, and he’s had several anxiety attacks there. So. Not a fan. Especially now.

“So how about my lab instead?” Bruce asks. Places his hand on Tony’s shoulder so that he can rest his fingers at his throat and feel his pulse. “I think we need to get some stronger painkillers in you.” Tony can picture Bruce’s expressions in his head. It’s nice to have something to focus on, besides the pain, even if it is exhausting. 

Bruce takes his hand and pinches his skin lightly. “And water. You’re dehydrated.” 

“I will throw up anything you put into my mouth and I will pass out if I stand up,” Tony says. His voice is hoarse; scratchy. If it were anyone else he would be vehemently denying everything and anything, but Bruce is… Bruce. Bruce has been an exception for a while, now. There’s something soothing about having an exception. And the possibility of feeling better sounds awesome. 

“You know that means an IV,” Bruce warns gently. 

“I know,” Tony says. He contemplates his next words for a moment, waits through the surge of anxiety it brings to say them sincerely, to really mean them. “I trust you.” It’s difficult. It makes him hold his breath for a tad longer than he needs to in order to keep the pain in check. 

(Nothing’s keeping the pain in check, really. But deep, controlled breaths do a little.)

Bruce takes his hand and squeezes. 

It’s quickly determined that he, in fact, cannot stand at all – can’t even sit up. The attempt leaves him shaky, makes his blood roar in his ears (why does even his own body have be so goddamn loud, please, make it stop–), and requires Bruce to think about an alternative solution. 

He suggests moving the equipment down to Tony’s lab. 

“Clint’s hanging around, I can have him help me carry the equipment,” he says. “Thor and Steve are also here, and I think Sam is, too.”

“No Rhodey?”  Tony asks. 

“No Rhodey,” Bruce confirms. “Sorry.”

Rhodey would be his first choice for everything, always. He’s the one person that has stuck with Tony all these years, more family to him than anyone else. But Rhodey has his own life that doesn’t revolve around Tony, so he can’t always be there. Barton is the least horrible choice out of the rest of the Avengers, having seen him running on caffeine fumes with a migraine before. He doesn’t need Thor’s booming voice, and he especially doesn’t need Rogers and his condescending hovering.

“Barton it is, then. Can you turn off the lights?” 

Bruce squeezes his hand again, and turns off the lights as he exits. 

With Bruce gone, Tony is left alone with his blinding, brain-splitting headache. His fingers crack as he presses them to his eyes, and it’s like fireworks right by his ears. There’s a clock, somewhere. Why does he have a clock that ticks? Why would he ever get an analog clock? Pepper’s doing? Is the god-awful ticking even a clock? 

He has no idea how long Bruce is gone, but this time the door opens and there are two sets of steps walking in, accompanied by the clinking of medical equipment. Tony squeezes his eyes shut and moves his hands to cover his ears. Bruce starts setting up what he needs, giving quiet instructions to Barton who quietly does what he’s told. The lights are on again, but Tony finds that far less of an issue than the steps and the clinking and the talking and the ticking and the whirring echoing in his ears. 

Then Bruce turns to Tony. He takes his wrist and gets him ready so he can stick a needle into him, and calmly talks through the entire thing. He explains what he’s doing step by step, pausing for a while to give Tony a moment to calm down when everything gets too much for a second. Bruce lists the chemicals he’s going to be injecting into him, and finally picks up a woven blanket from the backrest of the couch and settles it on Tony. 

It doesn’t take long for the painkillers to kick in. Bruce dismisses Barton, who shuts the lights off as he leaves, and picks up a StarkPad from a nearby table as he settles on a chair. Tony can feel the the pain first shifting, and then starting to dissipate – it’s like it drains away and reveals a slightly soggy but mostly functional train of thought. 

He’s exhausted. He knew that already, of course, but the absence of pain leaves him with a chance to actually fall asleep. 

So he does.