#i only made it 3 days last year so i'm feeling pretty proud of myself right now

[spaghett-onaplate]

depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed

[elllisaaa]

KINKTOBER 2024

welcome to eli's kinktober masterlist !

-> author's note : i'm so so happy to be able to present you this ! i originally wanted to participate last year, but i've got caught up with the no nut november serie and i didn't have the time to do both. it was hard to choose which members from which groups to write, and i tried to keep it even in terms of how many times i write each group. i'm very proud of myself for getting through this and i hope you'll like it as much as i enjoyed writting this <3 take care !

-> reblogs and feebacks are appreciated !

-> english is not my first language, sorry for any mistake

-> 18+ content below, minors DNI

______________________________________________________________

_ DAY 01 | BIG DICK + SMOKING W. ROCKSTAR!GUNIL

you were a groupie, and you weren't afraid of admitting it. and you didn't mind that you probably were just one of the girls, that gunil had surely fucked hundreds of fans at this same exact spot. because it felt good, and you didn't want him to stop.

-> ONE OF THE GIRLS

______________________________________________________________

_ DAY 02 | VOICE KINK W. IDOL!YEOSANG x MANAGER!READER

going through your ovulation week when you were a manager for ateez was hard enough to not have to deal with yeosang deep voice too. it did things to you, and you weren't sure if you were going to be able to keep all of this professional.

-> MAKE IT BOUNCY

_ DAY 03 | VOYEURISM W. BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER!HUENING KAI

yeonjun had always made it clear to you that his friends were off limits for you, it was his only rule. and it never bothered you until kai started to come over. he was exactaly your type, but you didn't want to break the promise you made to your brother. however, is it really your fault if your door is left ajar as you're touching yourself at night ? and is it really your fault if kai walks by your room at the same time ?

-> EYES ON ME

_ DAY 04 | PRAISE KINK + MARKING W. TEACHER!JAY

after you did a successful presentation for jay's class, he feels the need to reward his favourite student in a very inapropriate way.

-> EARNED IT

_ DAY 05 | BREEDING W. SUGAR DADDY!CHAN

you've been nothing but a good girl to him lately, even watching over his niece when his sister visited him by surprise. and it awakened an urge in him. maybe your relationship is more than what chan pretends it is.

-> CONNECTED

_ DAY 06 | BUKKAKE W. XDH x STYLIST!READER

the dirty secret you've been hiding for a few months now is suddenly harder to keep for yourself when the other members catch you sucking off seungmin backstage. and after having discussed it, they decide that they have to get back at you for fucking each one of them sneakily.

-> HER

_ DAY 07 | ORAL FIXATION W. FRIEND!JIHOON

one of the first thing jihoon noticed about you was that you always needed to have something in your mouth - be that candies, cigarettes or joints, lollipops... he just didn't think that your obsession extended to him and his fingers too.

-> SUGARCOAT

_ DAY 08 | EDGING + HANDCUFFS W. JEALOUS FUCK BUDDY!SEUNGMIN

when seungmin catches you flirting with another guy at a bar, he gets possessive even if he has no right to be. you deserve to be punished for making him feel like that.

-> OBSESSION

_ DAY 09 | PREMATURE EJACULATION + FEET W. ASSISTANT!JAKE x CEO!READER

jake is the best assistant you've ever had, and to top it all, he's really cute. you know he has a crush on you, everyone knows it, and that makes him even more adorable. so when you have to leave for an important conference with him and that the hotel room only has one bed, you take it upon yourself to give him what he wants.

-> DANGEROUS WOMAN

_ DAY 10 | LINGERIE + HAIR PULLING W. BARISTA!SAN

you kinda like the barista who's always serving you, but you wish he would notice that you're flirting with him sometimes. so maybe that flashing him your pretty lingerie would help ?

-> FREAK

_ DAY 11 | HATE SEX W. ACADEMIC RIVAL!BEOMGYU

surely, everyone on campus knows how much you and beomgyu hate each other. but being locked in the library one evening because you both stayed too late studying forces you to communicate, for the better or for the worse.

-> ARE YOU DUMB, DUMB, DUMB ?

_ DAY 12 | BONDAGE + MIRRORS W. PHOTOGRAPHER!WONWOO

you wanted to be more confident about your body and having a boudoir photoshoot seemed to be a good option. you just didn't plan that having the photographer tying you up would excite you that much.

-> FOCUS ON ME

_ DAY 13 | CREAMPIE W. BF!JISEOK

jiseok thinks you're really cute when you're desperate for his attention, so he lets you sit on his cock even if all his friends are right there. he simply forgot that you were never the first one to back down.

-> IN FOR A RIDE

_ DAY 14 | AGE DIFFERENCE W. POLICE OFFICER!SEUNGCHEOL

"everybody knows that i'm a good girl, officer" is what you said to him when you got arrested for selling drugs. and despite seungcheol having a wife and kids, he can't help stumbling over his words when you ask to suck his cock in exchange for letting you go.

-> MR. POLICEMAN

_ DAY 15 | MULTIPLE ORGASMS + FEMDOM W. LOSER!HAN JISUNG

you always liked your men weak and pathetic, so no one was shocked to hear that you had a crush on han jisung - the nerdy boy of your physics class. being paired up with him for a project was the perfect opportunity to have him all for you. except that finding a collection of dairies filled with all the fantasises he has about you wasn't part of your plan.

-> SECRET SECRET

_ DAY 16 | PAIN PLAY W. BRATTY!WOOYOUNG x PRODUCER!READER

you need to work on the new track you're helping hongjoong produce for ateez, but wooyoung can't seem to be able to concentrate. though, you slowly notice that he loves it a little too much when you're mean to him.

-> USE ME

_ DAY 17 | ROUGH + LOUD SEX W. SOOBIN

it has not been long since you started dating soobin, and every intimate moment you had until then has been cut short. frustration starts to grow on the two of you and when he finally has the opportunity to have you all to himself, soobin doesn't hold back.

-> BE YOUR LOVE

_ DAY 18 | DACRYPHILIA + SPANKING W. RICH!SUNGHOON x BOOKWORM!READER

sunghoon is gentle enough to indulge in your book addiction. what he cannot bear is when you're ignoring him to read and fawn over some guy who doesn't even exist. he spoils you so it's only fair he takes what he wants from your body as a reward for being such a good boyfriend.

-> CRY FOR ME

_ DAY 19 | OMORASHI + SPIT W. LEE CHAN

after having taken you out a on a bunch of dates, you got comfortable enough to invite chan to come have a last drink at your apartment after a night out. chan really needs to go to the bathroom, but he doesn't want to cut off the conversation flowding fludily between the two of you, especially not when he had been meaning to ask you out for ages. so he stays here and tries to not think about his growing need to pee, even if it might lead to an accident.

-> NOT EASY FOR YOU

_ DAY 20 | COLLAR/LEASH + JEALOUSY W. BF!OH SEUNGMIN

despite you wearing the collar seungmin bought you, some guy still had the nerves to try and hit on you. your boyfriend had to do something, and to remind you that no one could ever treat you as good as he could.

-> HANDS ON YOUR KNEES [TBD]

_ DAY 21 | QUIROPHILIA W. SURGEON!YUNHO x SURGEON!READER

working with yunho was both a blessing and a curse. a blessing because he was incredibly talented and smart. a curse because you had to look at his pretty hands all day long and it was very, very distracting. so when you spend the night trying to come up with a diagnostic for a patient, doing exams in the labo all night with him, you cannot hide your attraction anymore.

-> UNDER THE INFLUENCE [TBD]

_ DAY 22 | APHRODISIACS + GROUP SEX W. ENHA HYUNG LINE

to celebrate the release of the new album of your friends, you decided to make them some cocktails. exept that they don't taste like they usually do, and when the fifth of you start to feel hot and bothered, you definitely understand that someone put something in your drinks.

-> FEELING GOOD [TBD]

_ DAY 23 | SEXTING W. BFF!YEONJUN

when your best friend receives a nude from you on a random tuesday, he feels the need to seek some clarification, and maybe that it is his chance to finally fuck you like he's been wanting to for years.

-> OOPS [TBD]

_ DAY 24 | MUTUAL MASTURBATION W. BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER!JEONGIN

you always had a soft spot for your best friend's little brother, maybe a little crush if you were honest. however, learning that he was still a virgin despite being this hot, you take it into your own hands to show him how it should be done.

-> SHAMELESS [TBD]

_ DAY 25 | OVERSTIMULATION + SEX WORK W. RICH!HEESEUNG x STRIPPER!READER

when a client offers a generous amount of bills to get a private show from you, you have no other choice but to say yes. after all, you need that money and the guy is handsome, you couldn't ask for more.

-> BROUGHT THE HEAT BACK [TBD]

_ DAY 26 | THREESOME + BATHING W. BFF!SEOKMIN & HOSHI

your parents are away all summer, and you take it upon yourself to invite your two best friends to spend it with you in their big villa. however, seeing you walking around in skimpy bikinis is starting to feel frustrating for soonyoung, and when he shares his misery to seokmin, they decide to act on it. the jacuzzi seems like a perfect excuse to finally get you all for themselves.

-> SOAKED [TBD]

_ DAY 27 | BITING W. IDOL!SEONGHWA

you never knew about your boyfriend biting kink until wooyoung revealed it in one of their videos. quickly, an idea emerges in your mind and you decide to make his fantasy come true.

-> SUPER FREAKY BOY [TBD]

_ DAY 28 | FREE USE W. MINHO FT. HYUNJIN

you really liked it when hyunjin came over to spend some time with your boyfriend, but today wasn't the good time because minho was needy. but luckily for him, you only want to satisfy him, no matter if hyunjin is still here.

-> SUCH A WHORE [TBD]

_ DAY 29 | CHOKING + HUMILIATION W. GYM TRAINER!TAEHYUN

today, you don't seem to be able to focus and your trainer is not having it, at all. but the effect his harsh words have on you are not what he imagined. but is it really a crime when you look this good in your gym clothes.

-> MASK OFF [TBD]

_ DAY 30 | SCENT KINK W. PERVY ROOMMATE!JUNHAN

you only see junhan as your roommate, and he knows it. you made it very clear by fucking with some guy when he's next door. but still, junhan cannot help his attraction to you, he cannot help sniffing your dirty panties and too bad that he didn't hid very well the last pair he stole, still covered in his cum. maybe that he picked your interest in the end.

-> I'LL MAKE YOU LOVE ME [TBD]

_ DAY 31 | SIZE KINK W. PIRATE!YUNHO & MINGI

being the captain of a boat with only men on board is sometimes tiring, but luckily, your two wingman are always willing to help, in more ways than one.

-> BIG BOY [TBD]

[bruhstation]

hello tumbled er

greetings and salutation. it is I, senja heterocaine, speaking to you through your favorite home screens. now you might be wondering: where on earth has senja heterocaine disappeared to these past 5 months? well the answer is as simple as it gets

I focused on my studies.

well yes that is the main reason. but that's like the nerd "obvious" answer. there’s other reasons too. some of which includes me getting into new interests, revisiting my old, hibernating interests, getting involved in university organizations and events, getting more involved in big family stuff since I'm the oldest and the only of-age grandchild of grandma from mom's side.... lots of stuff

so I just finished the third semester of premed school right. honestly speaking, with how I was losing motivation on drawing, the art block post-art fight, and lack of time, I decided to well, take a break. and it’s pretty convenient too since it was early on in the third semester. during the entirety of it I was feeling pretty proud of myself like "oh I've been studying a lot. I've taken a break from drawing and blog stuff. surely things will get better" and it did! not immensely but it's significant enough that for once I don't feel an indescribable sense of terror after the semester ends. the focus of this semester was about reproduction systems and growth and development which is pretty fun? we get to use models and medical phantoms hands-on and poke them with needles and other rube goldberg contraptions. I did miss breeding bacterias in petri dishes and seeing my friends burn the microbiology lab’s ceiling like last semester though. my grades are also improving… slowly but surely

(aftermath not pictured: me lounging on the couch scrolling through quora to see if there are people currently in college wanting to drop out)

maybe I was aiming too high. at least my grades are better than the previous two semesters and my social life is much better than it was back in high school. speaking of exams -- I went through my first osce exam around a week ago (practical exam to see if you can actually perform the skills labs lessons from the entire semester like you're a real physician). it was the most terrifying day of the month. my dentist said I have a big tongue and that’s why I can’t speak properly if I’m being too fast. ntm I WAS NERVOUS!!! MY FIRST OSCE!!! with how I memorized everything I needed, I was pretty confident that I'd pass, though. I didn't and retook the exam the next day. the prelude was the worst crash out ever

ah ptooey. I'll just take it like a champ. my tutor who's 3 years older than me and currently in the anesthetic rotation of co-ass told me that things will get easier but that's very subjective. he's a medical olympiad student after all. my parents are pretty happy though with how my academic life is becoming better so that's that

LETS MOVE ON TO SOMETHING LIGHTER. section B: what I've been getting into ever since bruhstation was put on cryostasis

you know Transformers One (2024)? the transformers movie directed by josh cooley? based on the Transformers(tm) franchise by Takara Tomy and Hasbro? most tragic break up movie of the decade? I watched it twice, squealed once, and left me broken and inconsolable for weeks on end. it made me revisit my dormant transformers interest after 5 years. I've reread the idw comics (mtmte, LL, taao, main transformers comic), and is currently checking out more (reading the wreckers saga right now). god it made me miss rodimus and friends' zany space opera adventures. I've always envisioned casa tidmouth to have the same tone as mtmte... the oftentimes dark humor, fridge horror stuff, weird magic/science, the roller coaster of emotions, confronting the past... its crazy good.

stories where misfits and knuckleheads band together in a confined space while having crazy doctor who-like adventures am I right. like I want casa tidmouth to be like that. remind me to thank 14 year old me for this trip down memory lane. and as usual, I tend to make self-indulgent crossovers of any interest I'm thinking about at the moment with casa tidmouth

a terrifying sneak peak on what's to come.

I've been working on my oc projects too. you may have seen some of them on artfight (graciela, saudade, altair, etc) but I've been focusing the most on graciela and saudade's universe, children's heterotopia. it has the largest amount of characters in any story I've created (not counting casa tidmouth), the most effort put into planning the stories and weaving in its themes about capitalism, patriarchy, period-typical bigotry, etc. there's human experimentation and they're given powers that range from punching super hard to time and space displacement. I also inserted whatever I wanted into the story. sure, yes, there's a lesbians-only organization of which its members are named off the knights of the round table, theres a mafia that focuses more on the family drama and attempted parricide from all angles, and tragic assassin maids of which their names are wuthering heights references. also if you've been following my main tumblr hajimedics for a while, you might've seen my three fairly oddparents ocs. well I've given them the tezuka star system treatment and inserted them into children's heterotopia as well.

I've also gotten into UTAU production! I've made a number of UTAU covers but haven't uploaded them to youtube. only shared them around with my friends on priv twitter. a good friend of mine assisted in the creation of my own UTAU voicebank! their name is TORKA (like "torque"), their voice bank has a slight accent when singing in japanese (because I'm their voice lol) and CV-only, their in-universe lore is that they're an intergalactic train conductor picking up wayfarers and outcasts trying to find a place in the vast universe, and I love them dearly

moving on! this is a thomas the engine and company blog THIS IS A LIFE UPDATE POST

I'd rather not discuss about how I'm doing mentally in deep detail BUT what I'll say is that I can't confidently say "I'm doing better" or "I'm doing worse" because it always depends on the days. things are okay-ish nowadays. some days are scary. some days are boring. I still experience delusions, (ironically) worried about my anhedonia, and believe that certain bouts of confidence will trigger a jinx, but I think I've been controlling myself well? at least? I keep internalizing the belief that I'm an adult. 20 years old. I have to act accordingly and my life in real life is ten times more important than the internet. things are going to change more and more once I graduate premed and began the co-ass program. I have to think 10 steps into the future. building successful connections before you turn 30. sigma grindset and all that. sorry that was my father using my body as a spirit medium

AND ALSO. ALSO. BACK TO THE BLOG DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME I PROMISED TO MAKE A COMIC BASED ON THE RESULTS OF THE 1000 FOLLOWERS POLL AND NEVER DID UNTIL NOW. I'm terribly sorry. I promise I will get into it I SWEAR procrastination is kicking my ass. I have to plan the dialogue and script and stuff AND DRAW BUT

BUT HERE’S THE FUNNY THING

THE BLOG REACHED 2000+ FOLLOWERS A FEW MONTHS AGO

NOW WHAT DO I DO TO CELEBRATE?

I don’t know honestly. I haven’t done the 1000+ followers celebratory comic, and NOW I HAVE 2000+ FOLLOWERS. THERES 2000+ OF YOU NOW!!!!! THAT’S CRAZY (IN A GOOD WAY)!!!! I thank you all for sticking with bruhstation through thick and thin for around 2 and a half years. I’m glad for all your support, fanarts, asks, and such truly. like wow. 2k. in such a short time too! thanks guys. admittedly, I feel kind of guilty to leave everyone hanging for months with nothing to give, especially with such a high follower number. and realistically? I don’t think I’ll be able to draw as much as I used to. like I’ve said earlier, I’ve been busy with my personal life and oc projects. it’s not like I’m abandoning this blog any time soon? I’m just speaking from a logical perspective, given my status as a student and (possibly, hopefully) future doctor too. I don't want to burn myself out posting like thrice a week, answering asks daily, I want to take things slow. at my own pace. maybe I'll focus on designing side characters as well and thinking about their roles in the story! but that's for another day. I’m just glad everyone’s still sticking around and enjoying my silly stuff

I do want to draw more for this blog! I want to put thomas and co. in more situations. make them dance for all our entertainments. but when you’re an adult, you realize that you have your own priorities. you can’t always do the things you wanna do. you can’t just drop something you don’t like out of the blue. sometimes you have to sigh, scratch the back of your neck, and brave it while saying “I sure am getting old”

oh and also I'm a butch lesbian now. still he/they (heavy preference on he/him), still preferring masculine terms like "mr", "sir", "guy", still as crazy as ever. still aroace too and not interested in dating, something that's been a constant in my identity ever since I'm in early high school. little have changed I can assure you this. I am still senja. senja heterocaine from the net.

and thus concludes senja’s life update post! what will the next post after this be about? something gordon-centric again? serious colored art? old men yaoi? silent hill UK localization? place your bets. everyone loves a good laugh

[thedawningofthehour]

didn't you say you were making Draxum's house in the sims? Did you ever finish? :(

So I whined about this on my main blog, but I'm having issues with my computer. The power port, and I've noticed this for a while, gets extremely hot whenever I try to run anything more intensive than Powerwash Simulator, and the past few months it's become harder and harder to get it to charge. (I'm not overclocking or anything-I bought this computer for gaming and made sure it had the specs to run shit like my heavily modded Skyrim and Fallout, it should be able to run Sims) I contacted Acer about a repair and they quoted me over eight hundred dollars. The actual computer was about 1200-1300, for comparison. There's other issues with it as well-there's a chip on the screen that's really obvious on a white background, and they advertised that it would support a second hard drive, but it's never recognized the one I bought. The power port is the most grievous though, and power ports on laptops are notoriously hard to repair.

And this computer isn't old. I bought it last spring. Less than a year and a half-and I've barely been gaming on it because I've been writing this, so I spent over a thousand dollars on a turtles fanfiction machine essentially. (there's been other reasons, depression funk caused a complete disinterest in gaming and after so many mass shootings I've started feeling guilty whenever playing games with guns, but writing is mostly what I've been using this expensive gaming PC for) I only had the one-year warranty that came with the computer, but honestly I can't find it in myself to regret that too much because I have never once had a company actually honor a warranty. It's like safety deposits on apartments or insurance claims-they'll do everything they can to weasel out of doing what they're supposed to.

So back to your question-I currently don't trust my computer to run the Sims. Or anything else. And I can afford to buy another gaming PC right now, but it would be financially pretty irresponsible. I returned the tablet I bought to draw with, and I think I'm going to get one of those two-in-one laptop/tablets so I can use it for drawing and writing. Maybe I'll be able to run the Sims 4 on that-it doesn't have to run great, I use it mostly as a building simulator. Kind of sucks though, Crusader Kings 3 came out with another expansion pack and the new Cities Skylines is coming out this fall, plus I've been getting a hankering to play Skyrim again.

But enough about my computer woes, I do think I have some screenshots I could show...

First floor, I apparently took these during the first round of building because I made a lot of changes. The lab is way bigger now, and I have the rest of the house shell done. The blank space in the back right is where I was going to put in the multi-story room where the turtles find the weapons-which is probably the least completed part of the entire house because holy hell the building controls do not want to work with me.

But in the back left you can see Cass and Gale's rooms! :)

I do like how the main hallway turned out. I know it was mostly destroyed on Creation Day, but let's just say Draxum redid it in the same style. The middle picture, that's the little storage room that hides the door to the part of the house where Gale's room is. If you know the Sims you can tell where the secret door is.

And yes, I know the half-walls under the stairs look ridiculous, I've fixed it since then. I couldn't just extend the half-wall all the way back because it would delete the upper staircase, for some reason.

I'm pretty proud of how the living room is turning out. Could be a little bigger, but the symmetry of the bookshelves are just too perfect. (also the curved walls get fussy, FUCK CURVED WALLS) Needs some clutter on the mantle though.

The kitchen no longer looks like this, I moved around a lot of the pictures and added another layer of cabinets, because Draxum probably has like six sets of fine china he's received as gifts throughout the years and refuses to part with. I added more retro-looking décor, because the last time he remodeled this room was in the sixties and I wanted it to look a little old-fashioned. I also imagine he refuses to get an electric stove, saying his mystic wood-burning stove works just fine. I tried to work a pantry in, but it didn't really pan out. (lol) And the more I think about it, he probably has a legit larder somewhere in the basement, since Draxum is from a time before refrigeration and would have grown up storing food in underground cellars. (and he deffo has like several years worth of food stored away, he's pretty much a doomsday prepper)

This is also incidentally the layout of the kitchen at my old house, hence the weird octagon dining area. Except we had windows. With no curtains. In the woods. It was unsettling to cook at night.

Draxum's study is bigger now, and I think I added a fireplace? He absolutely has eight bazillion degrees and awards and he puts them ALL on his wall. He earned that shit, dammit.

His bedroom's nothing to write home about. It's comfortable, not luxurious. There's no electric lights because he prefers candlelight.

Just imagine that white bathroom counter stained with pink splotches from Draxum's hair dye.

I had BARELY done anything with the pool, but as you can see it is indeed a tank. Draxum was planning to keep a mutant or something in there.

I was actually in the process of redoing the entire greenery lol, but I think I did an okay job on 1.0. Not the mason jar lamps though, I'm not sure what I was thinking there.

Some pictures of Lab 1.0. The ooze-vine-thing looks terrible; I straight up haven't even started to recreate it in 2.0. I pushed back Draxum's alchemy area and gave him an actual medical bay in the back, which is where The Table would have been located.

That's mostly Gale's area on the left, I think it still broadly looks this way? I didn't put in stuff like the robotics table because it just looked silly-and besides, we're not actually playing this build. We know Galois only needs two hands and a welder to make a robot.

I will leave you off with a slightly more clutterfied Gale's room! Oh, but also, I GOT PURPLE CC CURTAINS FOR HIM. :D After I took this picture, but just know he has them now. He has no reason to have them because he does not have a window, but I'm happy for him.

[revanchistsuperstar]

holy hell, have I just had the throwback of a lifetime. dude, way on back when I was a confused unhappy little early-pubescent grub (11-14), I was obsessed with cosplay (still am) and would spend time religiously trawling deviantart and tumblr for crossplay advice, ways to bind and masculinize my face and walk and talk and comport myself more masculinely. I kept saying it was for character accuracy, but of course, there was more to it than that.

to shorten it all up, this tutorial of yours https://www.tumblr.com/revanchistsuperstar/70647041474/new-and-improved-ftm-crossplay-tutorial-if-you?source=share came up on my pinterest earlier and threw me back, after not seeing it for years now. I didn't even remember you were from middle tennessee! I googled the title of the tutorial to see if I could find the OG post, and was so glad to see you're still active on this account so many years later.

I just wanted to tell you that that tutorial was very impactful for me as a fellow southern queer kid. while I never did figure out how to make it work on my chubby, puffy little child face at the time (have gotten a bit better at makeup lately, still no pro but certainly better,) it was something to aspire to, and it was something that got me through a lot of waiting and confusion and self-discovery, knowing I *could* look like a man eventually, whatever that meant for me.

thank you for posting your tutorials online. I'm sure I'm not the only queer kid you've helped simply by being out and proud, but I wanted to tell you personally about how much you helped me survive puberty, the aspirations of passing, or at least being happy in myself regardless. I finally fully accepted myself at the end of last year, and came out to my parents early this year. It's been a lot to cope with, but life feels more promising now that I'm not hiding, and that I can seek medical transition knowing myself.

again, thank you so much for posting your tutorials. your pride has positively impacted me, and no doubt many others. I truly hope you've been well this past decade, and may the future remain bright for you. <3

Holy shit! Well way to go, and best of luck!

That tutorial is over 10 years old, that’s wild.

Believe it or not, I had my gender in no way figured out whatsoever when I was posting those, took me forever to realize what I had going on. I’ve been out as trans of some sort since 2011, but I only came out as a gay trans man and started medically transitioning a little over a year and a half ago.

But yeah I’ve been doing drag now for about 13 years! Vastly improved since the DeviantArt days lol. I now work professionally as a hair and makeup artist for stage and occasionally screen, so that’s what over a decade of plugging away at something can get you.

Glad the tutorial was helpful for you, being that it was one of the only masculinizing makeup tutorials out there on the internet at the time that I made it, its had pretty far reaching effects. Recently I’d been settling in to realizing that even though I’m only in my 30s, because I started drag in my teens I’m now becoming an elder of the drag king art form and as my co-producer from my drag troupe put it, I’m the Velvet Underground of drag kings. 🤣 But I’m glad it helped with your gender feels too!

Keep on keeping on!

[torrtimandi]

1, 3, 10, 16, 24, 26, and 30 for the fic asks

Ps. I hope you’re having a good day/night :)

Oh, that's quite many questions! Alright, let's do this...

1. the last sentence you wrote

"Want simply dissipated from his skin, and need grabbed his soul."

3. how you feel about your current WIP

I'm pretty satisfied so far and excited about the ideas I've just come up with! It's one shot and maybe a bit different from what I usually write but that's exactly what I enjoy these days, trying something new. I hope I finish it soon :D

10. what is the longest amount of time you've let a draft rest before you finished it?

Probably 2 years or so. I only let myself finish the 2nd chapter of The Hitchhiker after I'd finished the whole of Love Emergency...

16. Favorite place to write

Just my room at my big desk with the window open. I've a nice view with lots of trees from there. Peace and nature inspire me like nothing else.

24. How do you recharge when you're not feeling creative?

Oh, sometimes I'm not even sure! But I just try to rest, walk a lot and clear my mind this way. Listening lots of music and reading helps as well.

26. are you able to write with other people around?

Totally! I wrote countless of words in public places, ha.

30. share a fic you're especially proud of

I'll always answer this question the same, Love Emergency forever... It's my longest story but it isn't even what matters to me the most. It's just the story that made me grow massively as a writer, but also as a person. The amount of thinking and soul searching I did while writing it... You have no idea. It's just priceless to me. I really let my heart sincerely speak there and I wouldn't change anything about this story at all. No regrets. I really just loved writing it.

Thank you so much!! Those were great questions. I hope you're having a great night/day as well :D

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #1207: Trained to (Try and) Impress (King of Fighters X Art of Fighting)

3:21 p.m. Southtown's Fitness Gym..........

Yuri: (Sat Herself Down on a Bench While Panting) Okay!......That's......enough sparring.....for one day.....

Marco: (Takes Out a White Towel From his Bag and Wraps ir Around the Back of His Neck Before Using It to Wipe Off the Sweat Falling Down on his Cheeks) You sure you wanna call it quits? You seemed a lot more fired up than ever before, especially in the last few rounds we had.

Yuri: ('Sighs Heavily') Yeah, I'm sure......That was like....what? Best 6 out of 7 so far? (Looks Up at the Ceiling) A girl can handle so much before she throws in the towel........(Takes Her Bottle of Water Right Next to Her and Drinks Out of It Before She Sees Marco Handing Over her Pink Towel) Thanks. (Uses her Towel to Wipe all the Sweat Off her Forehead and Face)

Marco: (Sits Down Next to Yuri) You know, I'm impressed with the amount of progress we've made so far today, more so yours in particular.

Yuri: (Turns to Marco) You think so? I feel like I need more work in my more newer techniques if anything.

Marco: There's always room for improvement to be sure. (Smiles Softly at Yuri) But I think you did pretty good out there so far if you ask me.

Yuri: (Smiles Back at her Friend) Thanks, Marco. (Places her Hands onto Both her Cheeks While Pouting a Bit) It's about time someone recognized my efforts in this dumb Karate Team......

Marco: I take it you had another squabble with that "dumb" brother of yours recently?

Yuri: (Sighs While Rolling her Eyes) Nah. I had more of a one-sided arguement with my dumb dad involving that said dumb brother of mines if anything. After me and Ryo spent all mornong helping him out with getting the restaurant ready for today, he kept going on and on about how proud of him he is of him restoring the Kyoukgen Arts' name to it's original glory and that I should either be more like those two or quit learning how to fight all together.

Marco: (Eyes Widened in Genuine Surprise) Wait, he seriously told you that?

Yuri: Yeah. I mean, it's not the first time he ever told me to call it quits, but it's doesn't make it any less annoying and frustrating considering I had to constantly prove myself just how strong and capable of a fighter I really am to those two on every ring I stepped into. And even all of THAT still doesn't convinced them otherwise!

Marco: Maybe they wanted to keep you safe. You are the youngest the Sakazaki family after all.

Yuri: I am, yeah. But I've also participated in the KOF tournament with Mai and King since day number one! We never won a single entry since then, but neither did their team! And the only reason I started taking up karate in the first place was so I could protect myself from getting kidnapped again.

Macro: (Eyes Widened Again) You were kidnapped once!? By who!?

Yuri: This chrome dome of a crimelord named Mr. Big. Him and Geese used to work together years ago. (Places her Finger onto her Chin) Or did he worked Geese?.....('Sigh') Doesn't matter. The bottom line is that he was slimey creep and I hate him! He even blackmailed our dad into leaving us alone in our home when we were younger to go work for them as Mr Karate until Ryo managed beat the snot out of him years later! Which.....(Brings her Ponytail In Front of Her Before Combong it Down with her Hands While Frowning) that in it of itself is another can of worms I don't really feel like opening up right now.......

Marco: (Nodded in Understanding) And you have every right to not do so if you wish. (Frowns a Bit) I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

Yuri: (Smiles a Bit) Thanks. I'm not over the whole thing completely, but I'm still getting hmthere at least. (Starts Rubbing The Back of her Head Back and Forth in a More Shyly Manner) Really, if anyone should be sorry here is me for bumming you out with my problems and trauma.....

Marco: (Simply Shrugs) You needed it to get it all out if your chest, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. In fact, I think I can relate to that problem of yours.

Yuri: Really? You have siblings of your own this whole time, Marco?

Marco: Nope. But you see, when I was a lot young, let's say around: 8 or 9, my father, bless his soul, used to be famous martial artist back in my hometown. He has a good amount star students older than me who were practically sons to him. Me, being the naive, bratty kid that I was, got jealous of all the attention he was giving to them overtime, so I signed up for their classes shortly after.

Marco shows Yuri a picture of younger, kid self, standing in the middle of a group photo with the other more older students of his father's dojo, on his phone.

Yuri: ('GASPS') Oh my gosh!~ (Happily Points at Kid Marco on Screen) Is that really you over there?

Macro: (Sighs While Rolling his Eyes) Yeah, yeah, I was a cute kid back then.

Yuri: More than that!~ (Starts Up Sizing the Pucture and Starts Twisting Onto Little Marco's Cheeks on Screen) You were the most adorable, squishly looking little guy ever, yes you were~

Marco: (Groans While Facepalming Himself) I swear to heaven and earth, you're starting to become as bad as my mother right now. Always going around bragging about how cute and handsome I was to every old and new faces she meets.....

Yuri: (Giggles Softly) Well, she's not wrong, you know? You're still quite the looker these days. Which reminds me~

Marco: Oh no.

Yuri: How come you still don't got yourself girl and/or boyfriend yet?

Marco: (Groans Again) Again with this?

Yuri: (Starts Pouting Again) Yes, again with this! You're sweet, handsome like your momma says you are, and very hardworking, to the extreme sometimes. The fact that no one has thrown their arms around you yet is a travesty in it of itself!

Marco: Look, we can PLEASE go back to the Topic at hand? I'm trying to help you out here!

Yuri: ('Sighs in Defeat') Fiiiiiine. But we're setting you up for a date the next time we go out clubbing with Robert one of these nights! (Crosses her Arms) No ifs, ands, or buts about it, mister.

Marco: (Rolls his Eyes Again) I'm filled to the brim with excitement already. (Shows Off Pictures of his Upbringings as a Fighter With Each Swipe From his Finger Tip) And so was kid me when I was first enrolled to the class. It was an challenging experience and my drive to prove my worth towards my father and everyone else would end up getting me in trouble in a few areas.

Marco's phone then shows a picture him in his preteens, smiling at the camera with his late father while carrying a medium size trophy.

Marco: But it was only until I won my very first Junior's Martial Arts Champion League that I stopped worrying about what others think of me and start focusing more on myself, the improvements, and accomplishments I've made so far, that I'll continue to make going forward. Hell, that win even got me more invested in the excitement and rich history of this magnificent sport!- (Quickly Stops Himself From Geeking Out Before Clearing his Throat) But I digress.

Yuri: (Snickers a Bit) Nerd~

Marco: Hush up. ('Sigh') Look, the point I'm trying to make here is that I've seen the way you fought your opponents in the past through present. And now thanks to the sparring matches we had today, I, for one think, you're already doing a great enough job holding your own out there, putting your only unique spin to Kyoukgen Style the best you could. Like that time you created a electrified Haoh Shokou Ken. That was the most ingenious take on the move yet!

Yuri: (Giggles Softly While Blushing a Bit) Awww~ You really think so? I was only able to perform it cause my gloves were generating static from my old gi I was wearing at the time. But I figured it was doing more harm to my body the more I keep charging my ki up like that, so I just ended up no doing it anymore, you know?

Marco: (Simply Nodded) Make sense. The human body is fragile. But my point still stands. (Place his Hand Onto Yuri's Shoulder) You're a great fighter, Yuri, and I know that you have what it takes continue to strive in becoming more stronger than you ever were beforehand, not for the approval from your father, your brother, not even from Robert abd myself, but for yourself.

Yuri: (Stares at Marco For a Brief Second Before Nodding in Agreement Before a Determined Smile Starts Creeping Up on her Face) Yeah.....You're right. So what if my style of fighting isn't as traditional or completely by the books as everyone else in our Dojo? It worked out for me a lot in the past and I'll be damned if I sit here and it lot all go to waste now- (Gets Up From her Seat and Points Fowards) For my name isn't Yuri Sa-FREAKING-Kazaki! (Felt a Btt of Cramp in the Vack of her Knee) Ow.

Marco: (Let's Out a Light Chuckle) Atta girl. Keep doing your thing. I'll root for ya all the way.

Yuri: (Winces a Bit While Sitting Back Down and Smiling Back at her Fellow Kyoukgen Karate Fighter) Thanks, Marco. I'll root for you getting a date one days~

Marco: (Gives Yuri Deadpinned Look Again) You're not gonna get off my back with that, are you?

Yuri: (Places her Arm Around Marco's Shoulder) Not as your now appointed Wingwoman I'm not!~

Marco: Pretty sure that isn't a thing.

Yuri: Oh it is. I've been in the love-matching game for some time and now while my previous attempts with King and Ryo has long been a complete bust, I'm more than certain that my guidance this time around will help you reach to greater heights in the romance game.

Marco: What about Robert's guidance?

Yuri: (Shrugs) Pretty sure his would more in line how good you should look if anything. Either way, we got your back 100%, big guy. Trust us!~

Marco: I will once you stop giving me the puppy dog eyes.

Yuri: Carry me back home and I will~ (Rapidly Blinks her Eyes at Marco with a Cutesy Looking Smile on her Face)

Marco: ('Sigh') Deal.

@thelexhex

@tampire

@helsic

@sakazaki23

[chacusha]

I skipped and selected a ton of questions from the writer meme for you:

2, 3, 7, 12, 13, 14, 16/17, 25

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

My additional tags are kind of a mess:

#1: Fanart <- not a fic tag #2: Fluff <- I thought this tag was overrepresented by my Fluff Bingo but actually, nope, it's accurate #3: Community: westerosorting <- just a tag I use to mark stuff I made for this community #4: Drabble <- dominated by old Disney works I archived last year #4: Missing Scene <- accurate tagging but boring

Tied for 6th are Meta (<- not a fic tag) and Character Study. I guess this is accurate (including that I am still more of an artist than a writer!). It's also interesting to me how many of these tags lean gen. Pining didn't even make it?!

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

I kind of discussed this already but giving myself/the characters some closure on a very messy unresolved relationship in canon is pretty common. Other features of my fic include pining/getting together fic; punchy (abrupt?) endings; characters who have identity issues working out who they are (this is actually a special case of the first thing, where the "messy unresolved relationship" is between the character and themself).

Not sure about details. I do a lot of introspective fic, so my fic is pretty heavy on characters' attitudes and inner monologues/feelings.

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

To be honest, I am terrible at worldbuilding and only do it when not doing it would leave a glaring hole in the story.

Probably the most worldbuilding I've had to do is in my Ambassador of Love and Peace fic, and the main thing I'm proud of is my headcanons of what life as a temple acolyte is like, plus various details I've filled in about the political situation in Eisenberg and Harena.

For Star Trek, the worldbuilding I'm most proud of is my Mirrorverse Ferengi headcanons, but I haven't published anything with that yet.

12. Are there any tropes you used to dislike but have grown on you?

I was having a lot of trouble with this question and the next one, but I thought of something: Slap-Slap-Kiss ("I hate you!" "Well, I hate you!" *characters passionately kiss*). I used to HATE this trope -- it was my least favorite 90s rom-com feature, easily in my top 3 worst tropes more generally, and I would include it in my Do Not Want (DNW) lists in exchanges. But ever since getting into Quodo, obviously I can't put it in my DNW list anymore because it's so core to Quodo, but I wonder if I have just mellowed out on the trope more generally?

The reason I used to hate it was because it was such lazy writing, where often people would collapse "I am attracted to you but there are these good reasons why I hate you and that makes things complicated" (which is a very legit source of tension and drama in a romance) into "ho ho these characters are sniping at each other from day 1 -- ~love at first sight~". Which is very WTF and also plays into all these misogynistic depictions of women where they need to be won over and no means yes and spitfire women are just asking to be tamed, etc. etc. Also, I just prefer ships where two people just really enjoy each other's company rather than are bickering all the time -- like, why would I want to watch people be in a relationship where they never have an unambiguously pleasant moment together? It's so depressing!

But Slap-Slap-Kiss works so well for Quodo (they are every 90s rom-com trope…), I think because their dynamic is meant to be comedic and it fits so well into their established characterization -- they're just kind of ridiculous enough to go from yelling at each other to kissing and not see anything weird about that -- and because they obviously enjoy the bickering and provocation aspects of the relationship too. It's possible I now can appreciate a bit more when sexual tension manifests itself as annoyance and yelling rather than just being baffled that anyone could get aroused when they're annoyed.

A similar thing happened with the tsundere character type. I used to just not get the appeal at all; tsundere characters were always my least favorite in media; etc. But I think my affection for Odo (who is a very pure tsundere type, at least when it comes to Quark) has kind of rubbed off on other tsunderes in fiction. I'm not sure -- results still inconclusive.

13. Are there any tropes you used to like but don’t anymore?

This one I still can't think of anything for. I think a lot of my tastes have stayed stable over time. I am very easy to please and like all sorts of trope-y fiction. Give me all the high school AUs and crack fic and There Was Only One Bed and identity porn and...

14. Are there any tropes you would only read if written by a trusted friend or writer?

Not really because I live dangerously. :P By that I mean for the most part, I will give any trope a try. And for tropes I'm not super into, I'm not sure it's the kind of situation where there are certain people I trust to handle it -- they're just not things I enjoy no matter how well-written or who's doing the writing.

That said, I am in theory interested in (for example) reading fic that delves into Odo and Mora's complicated relationship, but I have kind of learned the hard way to just ignore Odo+Mora-centric fic in the wild because so much of it contains Mora-bashing either in the summary/author notes or in the fic itself and I'm not really interested in that kind of story (in general, I don't like reading character- or ship-bashing stories). So that would be an example of a topic I would only check out if written by someone whose writing I trusted (for example, I would probably trust people who write in DW/AO3-based exchanges to handle it in a way I find interesting more than a person in the wild). So yeah, probably more generally, bashing fic or something adjacent to that isn't something I'd seek out, but would be willing to read if I knew that the writer really liked the characters they were writing about, even if the characters are flawed.

16. What’s an AU you would love to read (or have read and loved)?

This is hard because I love AUs so much and will gobble up anything. For Quodo... Read and loved: Soulmates AU, Fantasy AU. Would love to read: Hunger Games AU.

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it?

I don't have a highly specific one, but I have an angel and demon AU for Quodo and a superhero AU for Altdea/Rindea that I'd love someone else to write (I don't have the ideas and/or time).

25. What other websites or resources do you use most often when you write?

Probably a bit boring but in terms of websites, it's probably an online word counter when doing writing sprints (because the text editor I use most often doesn't come with one) and a thesaurus (because sometimes I struggle to find the word I'm thinking of, like, "What's the word that means X but has somewhat of a Y connotation," or whatever -- I'll look a nearby word up in the thesaurus until I find what I'm looking for). Wikipedia as a place to start for basic research. Fan wikis and Chakoteya.net for quick canon review.

Thanks for the ask! 😄

a collection of questions i, as a writer, would love to be asked !!!

[pbandjesse]

It's the last day of the year! Honestly the worst holiday but also. It is nice to reflect. To get a little excited about what comes next. This year was a lot. And next year will be even more. And I'm excited for that.

Today was chill though. I slept okay. But I had nothing I needed to do so when I woke up I just stayed in bed. I stayed in bed until 1030. When I finally pulled myself up and made the bed. I went and washed my hair. I felt a little better.

Because it was later in the morning I felt better about eating Mac and cheese as a first meal.

I decided to try doing my eyeliner different. Which did not go well at first. I only had wooden pencil eyeliner. Which hurts my waterline. Later I would go to Walgreens to get a crayon kind and it went so much better and I feel very pretty. It is fun to try a new look.

I would feel very winded today. I was very congested and my ears were all closed up. I felt fine beyond that but it was frustrating how quickly I would lose steam today.

I would get some stuff done though. I would decide I should start making progress on getting rid of some stuff. This is very tough. Which makes me annoyed because I sued to be so good at it! But everything feels tied up in emotions and memories and gifts and people. So it feels next to impossible. But I was determined to at least try.

So I pulled out my trunk that I thought had extra knickknacks stored in. Turns out it was almost all just empty cigar boxes. Well then I would start to utilize those. And started pulling small objects off the shelves and putting them away. I chose some stuff to get rid of. And was not getting rid of a ton but I was making progress and that felt good.

I would take a break and lay down and watched videos. I did a little vacuuming but it was very half hearted. Eventually I would change the kitty litter and clean up a little.

I had soup for lunch. And then decided I would start going through the kitchen. Let's go through mugs.

We have so many mug. Just an unreasonable amount of glassware. But because everything is tied up with James's things I decided that the best way to handle my emotions with this would be to just straight up take out anything in the cabinet that I use all the time. I made some hard calls. But I ended up pulling out 7 mugs and 5 cups. This is wildly extream because we have so many. But I was proud of myself. And now James can pick the ones they want to keep and we can feel okay with getting rid of the rest.

So there was no confusion I moved all my chosen vessels to the cubby shelf. Which lead to me deciding to pull out all my water bottles and travel cups. Also from storage. This was way harder to purge. I use so many of them!! Often! I got rid of so many bottles already last year. But I am keeping most of them. I ended up getting rid of 3 cups and 3 bottles. I still have so many but I don't feel as bad because I have reasons for these ones. Plus I have some I leave at camp. I have so many beverage containers it's so silly.

I would go through our reusable straws next. I don't like the metal ones as much and some are weirdly thin and others have bad mouth feeling. I was proud of myself getting rid of so much.

Once I was done I was texting with James about how we should make lucky lemon pigs for new years. I had seen them online and thought it was so cute. So I decided I would go get us some lemons and pick up the eyeliner I wanted.

And it was beautiful out. I put on some music and enjoyed my walk to the store. I was in a good mood. And after I got what I needed I headed back home. I made a stop over to look at the free stuff from yesterday. There was still some neat gardening stuff. And I was able to get a brand new in the package garlic plate grater and some plant flags. Amazing. James will enjoy those.

I would spend the rest of the afternoon just chilling. Waiting for James. And when James got home I was so happy to see them.

They said I did so good with my purging. And it was decided we would go to dinner to celebrate before we went to spend a little time at the Chang's before we had our first footing for the year.

So that is what we did. We walked to brass tap and talked and had a really chill little dinner. The Chang's would have Chinese food so James just got a pretzel. I got a sandwich and we shared fries. It is always so loud in there but the food was good. The walk there was really nice. The walk back was a little tough on me because it's slightly uphill. I got very overheated. But I enjoyed the evening sir and James company and I just love them so much.

They kept telling me how pretty I was. They liked my new eyeliner. And they liked my very sparkly dress. I am their little disco ball. I felt really good.

When we got back home after dinner we had some stuff to do before we headed out again. We had some stuff to bring over there. And I was excited to see them. But my congestion was getting worse and I felt like my head was underwater.

When we got there George gave me some decongestant and that has helped a lot. But I was mostly just excited to see everyone. Katie was upset when she realized there wasn't any real vegetarian stuff for me. But I kept telling her I just ate dinner it's okay!! I would eat two spring rolls. Which were probably vegetarian. I couldn't find any meats in there. I kept telling her it was okay! I was just happy to be there.

I would also just love talking about art with George. We have a lot of the same favorite contemporary artists and I was telling him about the stuff I saw and researched in grad school and it is always just such a gratifying and intellectually stimulating conversation.

I also spoke to Julien and David. We got to talk about the house. David and Grace just bought a house too and it was fun to hear what they are doing with their projects. And they are engaged too so I'm excited to lend a hand and help them however we can.

It was fun but I was losing steam. My ears were opening up but my allergies were starting to bother me. So we hugged everyone and went home.

James has left there phone at home by accident and that has stressed me out. So I was glad when they found it right away. We opened some little gifts we got from James's cousins that was passed along to us from the Fulwilers. And James finished up the dishes.

I was hanging out here in bed texting my mom when I remembered the pigs!! So me and James would go and make our little lucky pigs. James is cuter. I made mine's to far apart and the ears were wrong. I moved the eyes but the ears could be better. Ah well. Still super cute and I'm glad we did this. I put them in the first footing basket. I picked a larger basket this year which I think looks a little empty. But I have all the things! So hopefully we have lots of good luck for next year.

There is an hour to New Year's. I made a TikTok and fed the fish and am just thinking back to all the things we did this year. The places we went and the stuff we saw. The things I accomplished! The art I made! It was full of ups and downs and joy and heartbreak and wins and loses. The only resource you can't get back is time, and I am grateful for every day. And I hope this new year will bring more joy. A new home. More family. More art. I am starting another temperature blanket. And I have so many plans. I hope that you all have a great New Years. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[raviosprovidence]

I'm sure this is a struggle many writers can relate to so im just here to get my feelings out

So for background, I want to be a screenwriter. I've always been fascinated by stories blah blah blah you know the drill. When I was about 15/16, I created my own urban fantasy universe that i now dub the MTU (mythic telivised universe). Over the years, many stories within this universe came and went, and as of right now, I have 3 *solid, defined shows that are very fleshed out*. One story has been around for almost 7 years, one has been around for almost 5 years, and one has been around coming up on a year. Two of them have at least one spin offs that are developed as well.

Around the time of last year, I was wanting to do more. I realized i did not want to be beholden to this universe as my only way to tell stories. I needed more. Thus, started my journey to try and make something new.

My first attempt was a rewrite of hades/persephone, but in my own lore and actually making it make sense. I got pretty far into development, actually making a world and developing a fair few of plotlines. In the end, due to a lot of different things going on in my life, i ended up dropping it. After that, i created the last of my MTU main series, and sort of forgot about making something else.

Throughout the next few months, I cycled through many, many different universes outside the MTU. A story re-imagining hyrule. A pirates story. A story about 7 different chosen ones that was about finding yourself and your family. A story about mermaids (which some of y'all know as Current) that was gonna be about working together and rebuilding. A monster collector story critiquing the genre. A story about bird people trying to find peace in their land. There were probably many, many more nuggets that were dropped.

I eventually realized i had a problem. I had so many ideas that *could* be true fleshed out stories. But I couldn't commit no matter how hard I tried. And it was especially infuriating (and I'm sure funny) to my irl friends who i rambled to about these stories. I was so desperate to show I wasn't a one trick pony and that I absolutely could make something different, that I never sat down and actually, well, thought about the idea beyond a few weeks. It's incredibly frustrating to be known as a creative and be "too creative for your own good." Never settling on anything because you're always chasing after the high of starting something new. I was comparing myself to...well, myself. The past me who was in high school/college and had way more patience to actually sit down and develop something. For some reason, I felt like i was running out of time. As of right now, I am about to enter the last year of my educational career. And chances are, I probably won't go back to just Going To School ever again (if i do, i'll probably be working too). And yeah, maybe I do feel like i have something to prove. It's scary, going into the creative world up against so many other talented people. Against a career field that is failing its employees. Against literal robots who are trying to steal my job.

But i realize...I can't do anything about that. one day, I'll get some of my work out there. I'll just keep on creative and writing and excitedly telling my friends about my work. And as of right now, I actually made something outside the MTU that has a coherent storyline! And I'm proud of it!

If you guys want to ask me anything about my projects, past of pressent, or want to vent about creation. Go ahead. My asks are open. I'm here for y'all

[mochamoonstone]

୨୧ Diary Enterary 3- 28.11.2024 ୨୧

I am so tired. Just fed up, really. I had a meeting for today, but didn't get sent the zoom link for the actual meet. I forgot to buy myself more milk and dark chocolate . Pwheee, I found law and order on soap 2 day yesterday. Also, Chat GBT told me that my summative was a 2:1, which I'm proud of I guess. I wanna get to a 2:2 soon, or maybe even a first if I can afford it by year 3.

Tomorrow i have 3 house viewings, something I typically feel nervous about. I hope it goes well and that I can choose somewhere nice to live by the end of it. I'm lonely here, and i'd love to live with my friends too. I hope this all will go okay and they'll still want to be with me next year. I'm so scared they won't want me anymore after a year. I just want a friendship I can make last, where I don't cut people off because I can't talk to them because they remind me of something horrible they did. Where I can't be emotionally available and I do not feel disgusting after they compliment me. Sometimes, my friends will tell me I'm gorgeous, and then I'll feel bad for even believing them for a second. It's funny- the only time I feel good about myself is when I ovulate, and that's the time when my body's telling me to have sex. It's like my brain only values the suit it inhabits because of what it wants it to do, rather than what it is. I want to cry in front of them, but my brain has been screaming at me to not let them see that side of me. I know that they'd not want me if I did. I'm not pathetic, I'm a strong person. I've gone through horrible shit, like the bullying and the sexual harassment all from when I was about 12 to 18. All from different people who said they were my friends or my peers in schools. Or how my teachers in secondary used to look at me- they were disgusted because I was mentally unhappy. They didn't bother hiding it. It was like I was invisible to them. I felt so much shame because of how they made me feel. Sure I've had some great teachers- but that level of disgust hurt. It was like they didn't want me any more. I tried telling my counsellor about it, but she pretty much told me I was being silly so I tried to ignore it, but you can't just forget those things. I always feel sad about it, that I lost so much of my childhood. But to them it was a regular Tuesday and they couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. Maybe I'll delve more onto it here later. But just. I don't wanna give too much of myself away

Love from, Mocha

[deertaz]

I'm Back

This account was something I made when I was 14 and in a very bleak time of my life. I have deleted most of my old posts, not only because I wish to forget that time, but also because as an adult, I now understand how venting towards a public space can validate and enable the self-harmful behaviours of other people.

Luckily this account got nothing more that a few notes, with a handful of people looking at what I posted. But, I would like to apologise to anybody who saw my posts and were triggered by it.

I never participated in any group chats or messages encouraging my or the EDs of others. Even then, I saw the danger of such things. However, through sharing my experiences and harmful thoughts in visceral detail, I may have contributed to the validation of others as mentally damaged as I was at the time. Again, I am lucky that next to nobody saw this account.

So, take this as a reintroduction of myself;

Hi, I'm 'Taz', I'm 19. I'm in Uni right now with a freelance job. I love dressing in alternative 'gothic' styles, listening to emo, metal, goth and alternative music. I've experienced a lot since I've been gone, and have been incredibly lucky over the past 3-4 years since my departure.

I have gained lifelong friends who truly value me for the person I am. I graduated high school at 16 and, since then, have found a confidence in myself that I never knew I had. I am capable, thriving and happy with myself and the things I have accomplished so far. I spoke in front of a crowd of 200 last year, and realised how the only thing holding me back is myself.

I no longer feel ashamed about my interests, nor my appearance. I don't hide my love for childish and nerdy things. I'm just a bit odd, but standing out both appearance-wise and personality-wise have turned out to be an asset. It has drawn the most remarkable and kind people to me. I met my platonic soulmate, who has been my best friend for 3 years.

And yes, I have not been friends with that girl I ranted about in 2019 for over 4 years (left the post up since I believe it isn't harmful). What she said and did to me wasn't okay, I'm proud of myself for finally being able to cut her out of my life. I was a very insecure lonely person, who didn't understand how friends should treat you. I never had friends as a child, since I was considered weird. So joining high school (I was 11, UK) made me try to change myself, I was quiet and agreeable. When she offered me friendship I was very happy, but did not have the self confidence nor the wisdom to realise that she was treating me horribly. I understand now, and am quite a lot better with setting boundaries.

I have had two partners, and one on and off situationship thing (lol). I'm not a lesbian, I'm Bi with a preference for women. My parents know. I have a 17 year old brother who I love to pieces, every day I am taken a-back by how much I get on with him. I value our closeness and am very grateful that he's in my life.

My relationship with my mother has been rocky at times, especially from 10-16. But I no longer live at home, so my interactions with her have improved a lot. I love her, she is a kind person, though very temperamental. She is also no longer bedridden!

I am now 19, I am older. I am much better at handling her outbursts. I stand up for myself without shouting back. I realised the best way to respond to her is either by removing myself, or by asking her questions, 'did you take your meds today?', 'why do you think you are angry?', 'Does this warrant shouting?'.

My favourite thing to say is, 'I love you mum, but I hate how you are acting right now.'

It shows to her that I love her, what I'm saying isn't an attack on her character, but on her current actions. It's a pretty good way of letting her know (I think).

Anyways, rant over (for now). For anybody still struggling with an ED, please seek comfort in others. Tell somebody. It's a slow recovery, and you might relapse a few times before it gets better. But it does get better. For anybody still in those awful teen years, it's a shitty waiting game but the end post is in sight, and it's a path to something far brighter.

-Taz

[brothersonahotelbed]

tagged by jay @lessonsdrowning to answer these 20 questions for fic writers, thank you <3 <3 <3

how many works do you have on ao3? 3 😭 i never used ao3 much for posting fic until last year, unforch. it was either wattpad, tumblr, or google drive for me mostly.

what's your total ao3 word count? 20,115

what fandoms do you write for? supernatural, house md, good omens, and hannibal are what i'm best at writing rn but there are more :]

what are your top 5 fics by kudos? well, since i have only 3 posted it's heaven is a place, this is a place, angel in my pocket, and leave it in my dreams.

do you respond to comments? YES. ALWAYS.

what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i don't usually like to leave my fics off with angsty endings so... i'm not really sure! i like to incorporate at least a little bit of happiness even if bleak situations when i'm writing.

do you get hate on fics? oh lord,. i used to. when i was publishing fics on wattpad back in 2017-2018 i got all kinds of rude/nasty comments on my writing. sad! ohwell

do you write smut? oh absolutely. back in 2021 smut was actually all i was capable of writing for a while. >:) i posted it on a tumblr writing blog i had back in that time but i since deleted the whole blog and backed up those fics to a personal drive. leave it in my dreams is fairly smutty though, if you consider masturbation smut ?

have you ever had a fic stolen? not to my knowledge!

have you ever had a fic translated? yeah, several times, actually! it's really cool

have you ever co-written a fic before? no and while it sounds like it could be fun, i feel like it'd also be pretty stressful but maybe that's just me lol

what's your all-time favorite ship? god, what a question. if i said jedidiah and octavius from night at the museum...

what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i have a harry potter/stranger things crossover fic from when i was 14 still sitting in my google drive but since i'm not involved in those fandoms anymore and probably never will be again, i'm gonna go ahead and say it's not ever getting finished.

what are your writing strengths? i think i'm getting better at pacing! and introspection has always been a strong suit of mine. i think, also, since i've got a lot of experience writing poetry, my writing comes out sounding nice & lyrical sometimes which is pretty cool, especially for emotional scenes.

what are your writing weaknesses? i just never know when to make characters speak. i could write an entire fic or novel without any of the characters talking at all cause writing dialogue just doesn't come naturally to me. also sometimes i use metaphors/comparisons that don't make sense to anyone except myself so when other people read it they sometimes get confused. also, sometimes i start the story in the wrong place and struggle for days before realizing...wait , if i started the story earlier or later in the sequence of its events , it'll be a lot stronger.

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? a super cool power and useful tool that i have not yet mastered. maybe one day...

first fandom you wrote for? percy jackson when i was ... 11 i think? i had finished the blood of olympus for the first time and wrote a whole fic about the events of percy and annabeth's life afterward. i think i made them get married actually?

favorite fic you've written? the writer's curse is that i hate everything i've written in the past, but i am quite proud of leave it in my dreams despite it all.

thank you for the tag again <3 !

[michinmari]

Job hunting past 40

This is the first time I've ever been without a job since I joined the workforce when I was 21. I've always just resigned, but did the responsible thing by already having a job lined up BEFORE tendering my resignation.

So imagine my surprise (sort of, but I could already see the writing on the wall) when I got called in for a quick meeting BEFORE my shift started and was told that due to the restructuring that the company was doing, my position has now been made redundant.

Was I angry? No. Like I said, writing on the wall and all that. Was I resentful? Not at all.

And you know what made me not feel all of that? Certainly not because I'm an emotionally mature person. Because while I may have been a legal adult for now much longer than I was a child, emotionally maturity was never my forte. But that's a different topic for a different post.

Going back: It was because immediately after they told me I was going to lose my job, they also told me just how much I was going to receive for my severance pay.

Typically, at least in the Philippines, a severance pay consists of a month's pay for every year of service. If, at the time of your leaving your job through reasons that entitle you to a severance, you've been in service for 1 year and 6 months, then they'll count your service as 2 years therefore you are entitled to 2 months of severance pay.

I was with the company for 9 years and 2 months, so I should have received 9 months' worth of my salary. However, my company decided to give me my entire year's salary. And since the separation was through no fault of my own and was beyond my control, it's non-taxable. They also gave me what would have been my bonus for next year. I expected it to be pro-rated since I'd only worked until July 7, but they paid me the full bonus for the entire year, as well as my 13th month pay -- that was pro-rated.

They also gave me the cash amount of the medical insurance that they had already paid for me. And as the cherry on top of the icing, I was told that my last day would be June 7, the Friday of the week I was told. However, my official termination date was on July 7. And that I would still be paid for the entire month -- that I did not work. A month's vacation -- paid!

I'm not saying all of that to brag. I'm saying that to maybe underscore why I'm not upset that I'm jobless for the first time at 41.

But I'm also low-level terrified. I'm not good with changes. And this is a BIG change. A lot of things have... well, CHANGED since that last time I went job hunting. A lot of the jobs I'm seeing now are social media related. I don't know how to do that -- for other people. My social media activity over the last 3 years consists of lurking on TikTok while saving videos I like. I understand the words "analytics" but have never used it in practice.

So now I'm job hunting. The only saving grace I have is that I'm not on panic mode because A) I have money -- I have not gone insane with the spending and I'm quite proud of myself that I didn't blow through the entire thing -- and B) I've moved back home with my mom. Rent's pretty low here in Dumaguete and she told me I don't have to pay for anything but myself. So I pay my own bills and indulgences, and sometimes I pay for groceries. I've only been here less than two months, but I think our set up is working.

That's the other thing I was kind of apprehensive about -- living with my mother full time. You see, I went to university in Manila and only came home for the holidays. Sometimes I would stay in Manila for summer to either take summer classes or just go on vacation with my friends -- with parents' blessing and a bit of pocket money. So that meant that from age 17 to up until September 2023, I essentially lived alone.

Also, I'm an only child. I'm used to being alone. I LOVE being alone. I used to say that I have no gene for loneliness. I honestly don't know what being lonely feels like.

So now it's going to be a bit of an adjustment. But for now, it's all good.

Going back to what this is supposed to be about: job hunting at 41. It's been... challenging. Mostly because I no longer want to go back to an office set up. And through luck, my ability to really shine during interviews (it's a superpower) and a bit of smarts, I have reached a certain salary band that isn't exactly welcomed by employers here in the Philippines.

Before you say "Then find remote jobs based in the States!" You mean freelancing? Nothing against it, but I want the trappings of insurance, tax payments and all that other stuff to be done by another department. I don't want to have to DIY it. I can do it with arts & crafts, but not when it comes to money.

So here I am, pecking away at my keyboard, still job hunting and possibly lowering my salary expectations. I've been jobless for more than two months now, and I'm getting antsy. So antsy that I may have overextended myself by signing up for 3 language classes back to back on a Saturday and 2 graduate-level classes -- all online.

And that's where I currently am.

Or was. I started this post last year and after I put this draft away, I got a job — two months after I applied for it. The pay is HALF of what I used to receive, but I'm okay with that. It's enough for my bills (and the ones I volunteered to pay at my mom's house: electricity, water, internet and grocery twice a month) and my occasional online shopping.

It's also the kind of job I thought I would be good at and would never stress about: writing.

You see, my undergraduate degree was in Comparative Literature. I know, I know. Not a job that guarantees employment, but I knew I wouldn't be miserable. In fact, it was the one thing I knew I'd excel at: reading and writing about what I read.

You'd think this job would be a no-brainer for me. And most days, it is. Until you consider the fact that I write for an audience. This was never something I had to factor in when I used to write in school. I didn't even factor in what my thesis advisor thought.

But in the age of social media, the audience is key. And I don't think I'm getting through. I'm not very good with click-baity headlines — which I know are necessary to hook some readers' attention.

And I'm struggling. Not drowning, but just struggling.

This is a new feeling for me. I was in a management position for 9 years. The only thing I struggled with were people and meetings with people. But I quickly developed a work-around. And it was easy because I was the manager. All I needed to do was make sure people understood the expectations of the job, that we were all on the same page, they had the training to do the job and then get out of their way. I made sure they knew they could come to me if they had any questions.

Luckily, I hired very competent people. They only really asked for meetings when it comes to PTOs (paid time off). And as for meetings? There are also ways around that. If you ever worked a corporate job and had to attend meetings that really should have been emails, you know what those work-arounds are.

And I was paid really well. I had health insurance — which, luckily I never used for myself. My parents, though? My mother had two back-to-back surgeries that would have cost her about PhP1 million. Her out-of-pocket expenses? Almost zero, thanks to my insurance.

Now, that's gone. This is the first time I get nervous whenever I hear my mother complain about an ailment. Because I know I can't help much.

But we're straying way too far when it comes to the point that I originally was trying to make: job hunting in your 40s.

It's hard. There. That's it.

It's hard because you have the experience, but the positions and the salaries just don't match your expectations.

If you REALLY want a job, it's not a problem if you just get one that you know how to do just so you can have something to do and an income.

That's what I did. I didn't want a huge gap between the day I left my company and a new job.

Even though I have an okay-paying job now, I still applied on job portals every day. I mean that: every single day.

I've had a handful of interviews. Some have ghosted me — my first ever experience of that. Some have gotten back to me with such a low offer that it wasn't even worth pursuing any more.

Anyway, I'm just writing here with advice — if you want it.

First, try not to fall into a pit of despair. It won't be easy because as my friend Luis pointed out to me, I had made my job and my position (and my salary) a big part of my identity. It's hard not to do that since I had all that for 9 years.

Second, start dusting off your resume and log back in to all the job portals you can find.

Third, start searching. Then start applying.

Fourth, companies take their time now. Even if they do say "urgent hiring," there's still a lot of steps. Learn how to be patient.

Fifth, decide whether you want a job — any job just to tide you over — or a job you want. If you're lucky, like I was, you have a financial buffer. If you don't, then you have to decide whether the one being offered is worth it (financially or otherwise) or if you think you can wait for a better one to come.

I'm sorry if that's not helpful. But it's a difficult job market. If you're like me: in your 40s and stayed so long in one company and one position, and never bothered to learn new things like social media marketing (which is all the rage now), it's going to be even more difficult.

The job market has changed so drastically now, especially after the pandemic. Some companies seem to want you to audition now — complete with a video introducing yourself and why you want the job you're applying for.

At first that appealed to the delusional wanna-be celebrity in me. After, it was just exhausting. Before I left my previous job, I'd been working from home and never really wore make up and dressed up any more.

Now I had to make sure the lighting was right and that my script wasn't too formal nor too informal. It's like creating a YouTube video — which I tried, but only for personal stuff.

You'll need to learn how to do all these new things now. And don't get me started on AI. That's a whole 'nother topic.

BUT... there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. You WILL find a job. You WILL get a job.

Like I said, it's a matter of choice. Do you want a job? Any job that pays the bills? Or do you want a job you want?

The second one's trickier because you'll need to be financially secure because that's going to be quite a wait.

Right now, I'm still at my writing job. I enjoy it most days — especially if I don't think about the audience. Or my now-frequent use of the word 'bonkers.'

But I'm still applying. I get interviews once every two weeks. None have panned out yet. But I'm still hopeful.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

2023

The year that kept on giving and giving.

While not everything was great, I can confidently say that this year was overall positive for me, and thank god, since the last few months of 2022 left me so depressed and exhausted that I was legit pessimistic about recovering from it.

And I did.

Despite some lingering feelings, I'm happy to say that I'm mostly over it. I've chosen not to dwell on it anymore, and I accepted that I can't influence the thoughts of other people I have no control over. All I can do is...improve.....and I have. I've improved a lot this year. Which....actually, that WAS my new year's resolution for 2023, wasn't it? Just to get better? In that regard....can I be proud of myself....? I know it isn't much, but...

I have a lot to thank for making this a good year for me. My interests were VERY kind to me, from Eurovision being great this year, Helluva Boss releasing a LOTTA episodes including three that I absolutely adored, getting to fight on Team Shiver in Splatoon 3 and winning, ushering in the Era Of Shiver, and finally.....CRK continuing to not only be my comfort game all year, but then not only topping itself, but BLOWING MY MIND with releasing Golden Cheese and me reacting SO STRONGLY to her that I'm STILL r-reeling from it....o/////o

Not only that, but....I'm still writing. I can be proud of that, too.

I know things will never quite be the same as they were, but....that's fine. I'm still in a pretty good place.

Three characters that made my life better in 2023 (if you're reading this, did you have any?):

As for 2024....I have two goals for this year, but technically, one isn't all up to me right now, and it's more personal, so I'll save it for (hopefully) later when I'm ready to share.

And the other one is pretty simple, and that's just Finish The Damn Fic.

---You can stop reading here if you don't care about this topic---

Seriously, this thing has been an undertaking, and working on it DAILY since October has been both tiring and fun at the same time. At this point, even if no one reads it, it's gonna feel SO GOOD when it's all done. SOOOOO GOOD! >.< Like I said before: I don't think this'll be my fav fic I've written (Naivete is just so special to me), but it'll be the biggest project I've EVER put my name on. I don't wanna rush any part of it.......I wanna get it as good as I can.

Cuz....H-Her Radiance, she....d-deserves it....

Regarding the fic, for those who care, I have two bits of good news! One is that, according to the outline of the chapters I have yet to write and the number of scenes in each one.....I think- I THINK- I'm near the halfway point of the story. That, or I JUUUUUST reached it. I'm working on the longest chapter. Once I finish chapter 3, I have three more full chapters, and I think 4 and 5 are gonna be shorter chapters than 3, with 6 being definitely the shortest.

Which leads me to the other point: I'm coming up on a good stopping point for chapter 3. It isn't the ending I WANTED, but the chapter is just so big that I'm gonna have to stuff all my leftover ideas into chapter 4.

This means that, yes....in the next few days, you guys are getting the next chapters.

P-part of me is nervous about this, since....again, it isn't the ending I wanted....b-but I don't wanna wait to post until I finish the WHOLE NEW CHAPTER 4 I didn't plan for. I dunno how long that's gonna take, and....

Well, something I'm looking forward to is coming in a couple weeks, and I wanna enjoy that thing and give it my attention without stressing about the fic too much. I wanna post on AO3 sometime in January, then release the rest of the chapters as I finish them.

It's looking like 2024's gonna be starting out on a good note....I'm nervous, but excited at the same time.....>__<

I really hope that I'm ready for this.....

[ssouledout]

oct 24 2023

i think this thought pretty frequently:

"i wonder how life will be a year from now"

..knowing that life usually changes drastically within a year. at least it's been this way for the past 5 years. i feel like i've lived so many lives and i'm only 27 lol. about to be 28 soon though.. what is life!!!

i'm definitely in a brand new season. last year, i shifted internally and spiritually. it was an intense, expedited healing session that needed to happen (thank you Jesus). i've always lived my life with Jesus on the sidelines lowkey, but i'm fr a woman of God now. i made God my very first priority and she's different.. and it's noticeable lol. an external thing now. i'm so proud of myself because i've come a LONG WAYYYYY. monte don't even know man.. this version of me needed to arrive before meeting him though. oh yeah, i met my husband. we're not married yet, but i'm pretty sure this is the man God's been preparing me for and vise versa. (and if he's not the one, Lord take him away asap bc i can't go through that again pls). not sure if i've mentioned him in a previous post (it's been so long). the story of how we met is pretty amazing, a story only God can put together honestly. it's been almost 7 months, but it feels like 2-3 years. in the best way. we're in a bit of a rough reason right now but I'm trusting God and his plans.. some things weren't what i expected, it's been a test of my faith honestly. but monte is amazing. he's an answered prayer. on so many levels. he's the glue to my family and i prophesied that within a couple weeks of dating. we grow closer each day and i'm just really excited to do life with him.

i'm in therapy rn and it's going great. i felt ready to look inwards to improve the relationship i have with my parents. tomorrow will be my 4th session. it's been progressive so far. learning a lot about myself.. and my dad.

been doing youtube for over a year now and we're still growing. currently at 776 subscribers. how? idek bruh. but i'm going to keep going, even though idk what i'm doing more than half the time. i will say: my confidence has gone up a ton though. my fcks to give about what people think don't really exist anymore. that's HUGE. if that was the purpose of it all, praise God fr. elaine's friend manages content creators and she's setting up a content plan for me.. so we'll see how that goes. i started doing lashes. but kinda stopped. we'll see on that too. i'm working part time as an exam proctor (proctor.. ba dum tss). it's funny because i applied before maxim, but didn't get my first shift until i quit care partners. God's timing lol. i'm actually at work right now.

and here i am wondering how life will be like next year.. i feel like God's going to blow my mind. as he always does.. (he blew my brains out with monte lol). i know our circumstances are going to change soon though. all glory to God. God's behind the wheel and i'm cruisingggg wheeeeeeeeee