#i only dream when i sleep less than an hour at a hotel and theyr fucking weird

[thehivemindever]

help i just had?? the weirdest span of like 5 dreams?? during a 45 minute period i was asleep. dont even remember them but they were weird as hell. im just absolutely fucking like. that hit me like a truck. im a changed man

[glitchbirds]

currently on day 4 post-top surgery

pain was bad first couple days but has mellowed out to the point where im mostly just uncomfortable, finally. i was a bit in a rush to stop taking the prescribed percocet/oxycodone because i didnt like the side effects, and tried to switch to plain acetaminophen the same day as surgery- horrendous mistake. dont do that. in some ways i felt worse on the first day post-op than i did the day of surgery, because of that. i switched do acetaminophen yesterday afternoon and that was a much better time for it, it definitely doesnt dull the pain As well as percocet but it works well enough

the drains make me deeply paranoid and i haaate that i have to wear them two extra days because my surgeon rescheduled my post-op a week before surgery. theyve consistently only drained small amounts (and less each day) and i keep freaking out over the idea that theyre either clogged somewhere where i cant see/reach, Or that ive accidentally pulled them partially out of place when stripping them as directed

surgical binder is arguably even more annoying to me than the drains- starting on day 3 it started hiking up my chest constantly and putting unnecessary excess pressure on wherever it folded onto. and every time i readjusted it it would just slip back into the wrong place the next time i stood up or sat down. i was finally able to readjust it today in a way that it hasnt gotten messed up again, so thats a relief

for the first couple nights sleeping or even just lying down was fucking horrible. oxycodone would make me drowsy under an hour after taking it, but lying down or sitting back up from a lying down position would cause a sharp pulling feeling in my right side. i used wedge pillows and stacked more pillows on top of that, which sometimes helped but usually just made me sleep fitfully because i was on top of an uneven lumpy pile (oxycodone made that worse- i would get vivid, half-dream half-hallucination visions and sensations and drift in and out of sleep every 5-10 minutes until it wore off). the day after surgery, the first time i tried to sleep in my own bed, i woke up a few hours later to take my next dose of pain meds and the pain from prying myself out of bed was So excruciating that i spent a full half hour sitting on the edge of my bed trying to will myself to lay back down again. i eventually limped my way to the living room couch and fell asleep sitting up with my back leaning on some pillows. i still woke up once or twice an hour that night but had no pain from getting up or lying down. the next night i slept better- woke up even less-, and last night i braved my own bed again and it was nowhere near as painful as that first time… thank god for that

in general i seem to have been more awake/lucid/active than most ppl at this stage of top surgery? esp the first couple days, i spent a lot of time restlessly pacing around the hotel room (and later the apartment). obviously still doing my best to limit upper body movements and not get complacent with my slowly improving range of motion and overextend myself. at least walking around has been good for me in terms of minimizing blood clots in my legs…? and hopefully me being bad at falling asleep hasnt caused any notable issues with the healing process. hopefully.

scotty has been a little angel of a cat, he already is very gentle and avoids stepping on people (and if he does you can barely feel it). binx on the other hand, historically, loves clambering on top of my chest and he has no concept of his own weight and it hurts like hell, so ive been rebuffing his affection a lot the past few days and having to stop him from putting his paws on my chest and climbing on. which he is heartbroken about. absolutely mournful yowling in the halls

oh also my surgeon sent me a bunch of documents with instructions around what to do but the document says that i was given “nipple sparing double incision mastectomy” and the document occasionally mentions nipple care, and i assume this is just like, a generic form and they dont have a specific version of this document for ppl who opt to have nipples removed entirely, but im just gonna say rn if they left nipples on me after the surgeon and multiple other doctors+ nurses asked me directly half an hour before surgery to confirm that i did not want nipples, im going to go fucking crazy. i cant tell through the bandages if i have them or not- i don’t think i feel anything but im reluctant to poke around there too much

[entamewitchlulu]

oh my god there was only one bed for pendulumshipping? maybe theyre staying at a hotel and there was a miscommunication and yuya's too nice to let reiji say that its a miscommunication because the staff are already way too overworked and do not deserve to have to deal with that

i need you to know that i owe you my life

kiss meme open! | writing requests open!

“I’m so, so sorry, Mr. Akaba,” the harried receptionist said, actually getting up and bowing to him several times.  “I cannot imagine what could have gone wrong.  Please don’t worry, I’ll make sure this is fixed, right away.”

“It’s fine,” Reiji said.  “Please take your time.”

It actually wasn’t fine — Reiji was dead on his feet from no less than three meetings and two press conferences in a single day, not including his exhibition duel with Yuya just a few hours ago.  All he had wanted was to get into a hotel room, fall face first onto the bed, and stay unconscious until at least noon tomorrow.

Unfortunately, it appeared that there was some bug in the system, and his reservation had mysteriously disappeared — while the hotel was all but full of the dueltainment convention attendees.  At this point, Reiji would have taken a cot in the hallway if it could get him off of his feet and into blessed unconsciousness.

He shifted back onto one foot, leaning on the handle of his rolling suitcase.  The receptionist’s furiously clacking keys were just annoying enough to keep him awake, and on edge.  The last thing he wanted was to blame the poor receptionist for this mix up, but he was draining his patience quickly.  Were there any hotels near here that he might book instead?

“Oh, Reiji!  I didn’t know you were at this hotel too!”

Reiji blinked from the edge of passing out, turning his head towards the voice.  It was Yuya, of course — he’d recognized his voice immediately.  Yuya hurried over to him, and immediately paused, looking him up and down.

“You look like someone beat you up,” he said, rather bluntly.

It was enough to draw a small, tired laugh from Reiji’s throat.

“Perhaps someone did,” he said.  “You booked a room here?  I thought you’d go straight home.”

“I thought I would too, but I got caught up with some of the other duelists after the exhibition matches, knew I’d miss the trains.  Managed to snag a room here.”

He glanced at the pale faced, furiously typing receptionist, and then at Reiji’s tired face.  He frowned.

“Something wrong?”

“No, no,” Reiji said, waving a hand.  “There was, perhaps, a miscommunication of some kind...or a bug in the system.  At any rate, it seems my reservation may have not gone through.”

He blinked a few times to try to keep himself awake, steeling himself for another walk to see if another hotel might have a spot — at this point, he was only causing a stir.

“I suppose I may have to see if anywhere else has an opening for the night — I don’t want to cause any further distress here.”

“What?  Looking like that?” Yuya said, looking him up and down again.  “You’ll pass out before you take one step out the door.”

“There are few options,” Reiji started, but Yuya had already wrapped an arm about his elbow and turned towards the receptionist.

“Can you just add him to my room?  It’s 304.  I’ve got the key and my ID here if you need to check it.”

Reiji attempted to protest — or at least, he thought he did, but what came out may have been little more than a mumble, as even in his exhaustion he was suddenly hyper aware of Yuya’s arm hooked into his.  The receptionist looked uncertain, glancing between the two of them, and asked Reiji something that he didn’t process.

“It’s fine!  We’re friends — you probably saw the duel, right?  Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

Reiji tried to stir himself, but he found himself accepting the second room key from the receptionist, and nodding vaguely when he bowed again and insisted that Reiji would get a refund or some form of compensation for this inconvenience, and then Yuya was taking Reiji’s suitcase with one hand and steering him towards the elevator with the other.

“Yuya,” Reiji said.  “You don’t...”

“Oh, hush,” Yuya said, keying in for floor three.  “Look at you — you’re going to keel over.  You need to sleep.”

Reiji was tired.  Tired enough that it wasn’t until Yuya unlocked the room and led them inside that it occurred to him that Yuya had planned on staying at this hotel alone.  And that he had just invited Reiji into a room that had only one bed.

Yuya steered him straight towards the single bed, turning him around and making him sit down.

“You need some serious shut eye,” he said.

“Yuya,” Reiji said.  “I cannot take your bed.”

Yuya blinked at him.  They hadn’t turned the lights on, so Reiji couldn’t be sure, but...was Yuya blushing?  Reiji wasn’t so tired that his mind wasn’t starting to work overtime about the entire situation — being so close to him — being in the same room as him — thoughts about him that Reiji had spent months upon months trying to suppress, trying to hide.  

Yuya would never think of me like that, he’d always told himself.  It will not do to strain our professional relationship with unnecessary feelings.

But Yuya’s hands were still on his shoulders, and they were warm, and they were both staring at each other in the dark of a hotel room with only one bed.

Yuya cleared his throat.

“It’s fine,” he said.  “I think I could fit on the couch.  You clearly look like you need the rest more than me.”

Reiji’s shoulders slumped ever so slightly — had some part of him hoped...? No, no, but that was foolish.  He had to remember to keep his thoughts in check, even if he was tired.  But...

“That ‘couch’ is a loveseat,” Reiji argued.  “You’d have to curl up to fit.”

“It’s okay!”

“No, it’s not.”

“Well if I can’t fit on the couch, you definitely can’t.”

“Then I will sleep on the floor.  Or request a cot.”

“I’m not gonna let you sleep on the floor!  If you’re gonna be like this, then we’ll just both use bed!”

The words hung for a moment between them.  Even in the dark, it was obvious that Yuya’s cheeks burned — and if the heat in Reiji’s face was any indication, so were his.  For what felt like minutes, but was perhaps only seconds, they only sat in the echoing words.  Reiji didn’t know where to direct his thoughts or where to try to suppress them anymore.  The bed was certainly large enough for both of them but...but they would be very close...

Yuya coughed, clearing his throat.

“Fine,” he said.  “That settles it.”

He turned on his heel and headed into the bathroom.  Reiji watched him disappear.  After a few moments, still thinking about it — wondering if Yuya was simply trying to get him to pass out before crunching on the couch — he couldn’t last any longer.  He didn’t even change out of his clothes, slipping off his shoes and dropping his scarf to the floor before sliding beneath the covers.

He was nearly asleep when he heard the door open again.  Yuya stepped softly across the carpet, and Reiji was about ready to try to call him out on sneaking over to the couch when he got the sensation that Yuya was standing very near him.  He heard Yuya’s soft breaths above him, heard the carpet squish beneath his feet.  Then Reiji heard him walking around the bed, felt the covers shift as Yuya carefully slid himself into bed next to him.  The mattress sunk slightly under his weight, close enough that Reiji felt his body lean towards him ever so slightly.

Reiji was starting to regret having gotten into bed facing away from the bathroom — if he opened his eyes, he’d be looking right at Yuya.  Was Yuya facing away from him, laying as close to the edge of the bed as possible?  If he managed to crack open his exhausted eyes, would he see Yuya’s face instead?  Reiji wasn’t sure which he hoped for.

He was so tired.   Too tired to think about it.  He felt himself drifting down, down, down.

At the very, very edge of sleep, he felt something touch his hand.  Not enough to wake him — almost...tentative.  He felt a hand, fingers, gently touching the back of his.  Yuya’s fingers were cool, and nervous, shying back when Reiji sighed a little too heavily.  Reiji tried to slow his breathing.

He was nearly asleep again when he felt Yuya gently touch his hand again — this time, Reiji was certain of it.  

He knew that if he opened his eyes, Yuya would be facing him.  Perhaps in the morning, this would seem like nothing more than a dream.  Maybe it was.  Maybe they would both never speak of it again.  

But for one night.  Just one night...Reiji let his hand relax, and when Yuya’s fingers slid gently between his, he gently squeezed his own fingers back.  For one night, at least, he could believe that maybe...just maybe...he’d never needed to be worried at all.

[neon-sparrows]

Please. Jam bed sharing where theyre both pining and dont know the others feelings

and there was only one bed! oh my god, there was only one bed.always taking requests/suggestions!

"I thought you said two beds."

"I did."

"This is a one bed."

"It's... not too small, at least?"

Jay and Tim exchange an uncomfortable glance.

It's two in the morning and they came to the hotel particularly late, having called ahead to make sure that they a) had a room and b) would essentially be able to crash as soon as the door was unlocked. Circumstances seem to have changed, though, and the door opened to a one-bed room, what appears to be the sort of bed intended for either a couple or one person depending on the level of desperation involved.

Tim rubs his face exasperatedly and drops his backpack by the door as it clicks shut behind them.

"We're only here for a night." He grunts. "Might as well just get over it."

He's exhausted. He's been driving for more than ten hours and the pulsing headache behind his eyes is something that he'd like to try to sleep off. Jay shifts his weight from foot to foot behind him and makes a few noises, like he's trying to say something, but it cuts off before he gets anywhere. His thoughts are moving faster than his mouth, Tim knows, and he's not about to rush Jay on figuring anything out right now. Not when he can barely think straight on his own.

He kicks his boots off and kicks them to one side of the bed, collapsing onto it with an audible exhale. It feels good just to be lying flat, truthfully, as he presses his face into the pillow.

"You sure this is okay?" Jay's voice is slightly muffled. Tim tilts his head towards him and cracks one eye open.

"Jay, it's two in the morning and we're only here for the night. This is fine."

Jay doesn't move. He keeps standing there, threading his fingers together in front of himself, staring at Tim and the bed with an expression that could almost be a grimace, and Tim is torn between wanting to tell him to just suck it up and go to bed and wanting to ask about the problem.

Jay sits down on the edge of the bed after another moment of hesitation, pulling his hat off and then peeling his hoodie off to dump it on the floor next to his soon discarded shoes. His bag is set down delicately on the floor next to the nightstand, and Tim knows on reflex that's because he brought his laptop, and probably plans on editing or uploading something else in mind. The camera that had been in his other hand is set on the bedside table, pointed towards the two of them.

There's another pause as Tim pushes his face back into the pillow, feeling the bed shift as Jay moves. They don't have any other conversation, and Tim doesn't think anything else of it, collapsing into sleep quickly--

and waking with a sudden start to the sensation of something digging into his side.

His eyes open and his hand goes to the spot reflexively, to feel-- fingers, curling into his shirt.

Jay's grabbed onto him.

Tim shifts as carefully as he dares, not wanting to wake his companion as he props himself up to look in Jay's direction. The other is asleep, and heavily so by the looks of it, lips parted and head pressed into the pillow. He's drooling into the pillow as Tim keeps his hand over top of Jay's, and he breathes in slowly as he lays down again, adjusting enough so he can look at Jay instead of facing the wall without waking him up.

This is a new feeling. Something heavy and long-forgotten stirs in his chest as he listens to the steady sound of Jay's inhale and exhale. The other's bony fingers cling to his shirt a little bit tighter, digging into his side gently, and Tim is-- less bothered than he would've thought he'd be. This is a new feeling. This is a good feeling.

He can only guess why Jay latched on. Seeking comfort, maybe, or support, or else having a bad dream and needing to feel something under his hand. Tim can't blame him that, after enough time spent with nightmares. Maybe it was just a reflex; maybe Jay was used to stuffed animals or sleeping bunched up with something, and Tim being close enough meant that he would hold on, or--

or.Or maybe he intended to?

That's wishful thinking. Tim bites his tongue to keep himself from laughing as the thought crosses his mind. No. Regardless of what he thinks of Jay, regardless of how much he cares about him (because he does, despite himself), that's a dangerous line of thinking. After all, the last person to show him affection was Brian, and that hadn't ended well in the slightest.

Still. Jay's hand under his is warm, and comfortable, and despite the tight grip, Tim isn't bothered.

He hesitates.

He shouldn't want to. He shouldn't allow this. He should pry Jay off of him as gently as possible and let him go back to sleep, roll over with his back to him and rest so they can pick up and keep driving tomorrow. But--

Tim holds his breath and shuts his eyes.

How long has it been since someone touched him, anyway?

He breathes out slowly.

Tim is as gentle as he can be as he threads his fingers through Jay's. He doesn't know if he'll be getting any more sleep tonight, so why not try to get what he can? So long as he pulls himself away before Jay wakes up, what's the harm? His thumb presses softly into the back of his hand and he nestles his face back into the pillow, feeling Jay breathe a little bit deeper.

What's the harm of one night of pretending?

[reesewestonarchive]

chapter four / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

Music pulses through Nakoa’s legs, and Jenna’s body sways against Nakoa’s, pressed against him as close as she can go. She smells like mangoes, like sweat.

Nakoa inhales against her neck, licks a long line up to her jaw, sucks against it. She shudders underneath him, and Nakoa grins as she takes his hand, presses it beneath her jeans. She turns her head, pupils blown wide, and she says, “Wanna go back to mine?”

Yes. Absolutely. Nakoa feels a buzz in his veins he hasn’t in a while at the prospect, and—”Yeah. You bet.”

He’s not sure where Rem is, but he’s been gone all day. left that morning, didn’t come back, even though the car still sits in the parking lot at the motel. At least, it did, before Nakoa took to the streets to find something to take his mind of it, off of wondering where Rem was.

Probably wasted in the back alley of some bar, still downing a bottle of whiskey he’d pilfered off of some unsuspecting bartender.

Or—maybe he’s doing exactly what Nakoa’s doing now, finding somebody to bury his dick into, get off without the mountain of complications.

It’s been three days, and between sightseeing and sleep, they’re only just west of Denver, in some shitty small town that reminds Nakoa of Withervale just a little too much, but the girls are attractive, and the guys look like they could punch Nakoa out if he stared a little too long, and Rem’s been in a bad mood since Baldie.

Nakoa’ll take his chances, he thinks, with Jenna. He asks, “Are you far?” and grins when she shudders as he touches her.

He goes home with Jenna, and tries not to think of Rem when he comes.

Jenna offers to give him a ride back to the motel, but in the aftermath Nakoa really just wants a fucking shower, to wash what feels like a layer of filth off of him, and some awkward fifteen minute drive across town isn’t going to make him feel any better.

And it’s not cold out, anyway. “I’m good,” he says, as he tugs on jeans. Jean covers herself with her sheet, cocks her head to the side.

“You okay?” Her tone is just this side of concerned; she’s being polite, but Nakoa can tell she’s not really interested in the answer.

“Yeah,” he says, then, for a reason he doesn’t know, he says, “just complicated.”

“Aw,” Jenna says, sitting at the end of her bed. “I know complicated.” She gives him a glance, then says, “You a cool guy?”

Nakoa’s a loser. Unemployed and homeless and traveling across the country without any kind of a fucking plan, in search of a better life he’s not sure he’s ever going to find. Mediocrity feels less like a shadow hunting him and more like the prize at the end of the race.

Is he running away from it, or running towards it?

“I guess.” She can’t be talking about that.

“My girlfriend and I are kind of on a break.” She shrugs. “And it’s so stupid.”

“Relationships are complicated,” Nakoa says. He pulls his shirt over his head. “My…” but the word doesn’t come. What is Rem? His best friend? It’s not untrue, but he’s reasonably sure most best friends don’t fuck.

Most.

Is there a word for something in the middle, between romantic and friendly?

As she watches him, Jenna seems to pick up what’s going through his head. “Oh,” she says, pointing a finger at him. “You got it bad.”

“I do not.”

“And I thought me and my girl were complicated.”

For some reason, that pisses Nakoa off more. “There’s no girl.”

It’s the first time he’s even come close to saying the word out loud. Nakoa knows there’s a word for who he is, but it still feels wrong when he says it, when he thinks it. Not the attraction—there’s merit in sleeping with all kinds of people—but the word. The way people see it and think disgusting. Heathen.

“Oh.” Jenna’s voice is soft, and she stands. “So. Same boat.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

She shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

They kiss before Nakoa leaves, just because Jenna enjoys it, just because she asks, and Nakoa agrees because she showed him a good time, and it’s the least he can do. He wishes her good luck with her girlfriend and stomps back to the hotel room.

Where Rem sits, outside of it, empty fifth clutched between his knees. He doesn’t hear Nakoa approach, but he does react when Nakoa touches his shoulder, jerks away like Nakoa’s burned him.

“About fucking time,” he says, and his voice is like a river, watery and rushing, tripping over itself in his eagerness to speak. “I’ve been waiting for hours.”

“Sorry,” Nakoa says. Doesn’t point out that Rem has a key, too. He unlocks the door. He tugs on Rem’s arm, and the whiskey bottle falls to the sidewalk, crashes and breaks. Nakoa leaves it. “Did you drink all of that?”

“It’s—” He hiccups. “Bottom shelf, don’t get hissy.”

Nakoa took… something, at the club, earlier, before he went home with Jenna. He’s awfully fucking hypocritical if he tells Rem that he can’t do this. At least he came back. At least they got away from Baldie. From Withervale.

Drunk and alive is better than the alternative.

He draws Rem into the shower, starts taking off his clothes, and Rem says, “Ooh, am I gonna fuck you over the counter?”

“Keep dreaming,” Nakoa says, as he pulls off Rem’s jeans. He’s cold, so Nakoa warms the water and shoves him under the stream. Rem yelps, but relaxes into the hot, if lacking pressure, water. His entire body goes slack as it cascades over him.

Nakoa turns away, doesn’t watch, as tempting as it is. “You get back okay?”

Rem laughs. “Please. Liquor store’s not that far away. Where’d you get off to?”

“Girl I met at the club.” Nakoa pitches his voice higher, to be heard over the water. “You have a good time?”

“Better when you’re there.”

But he didn’t ask. He’d blazed through cities, the last forty eight hours, taking small roads instead of highways, getting lost and debating over the map with Nakoa multiple times, and.

“Missed you,” Rem says, his voice quiet. Nakoa wonders if he even said it at all. If maybe he imagined it. He’s been wanting to hear Rem say it for so long. Hoping for some kind of sign.

But no.

The water shuts off, and Nakoa makes his way back out into the room, digs in Rem’s bag until he finds something suitable for bed for him. The idiot’ll pass out on the bed, if he doesn’t, and Nakoa’ll end up with none of the blanket instead.

Rem stands in the threshold to the bathroom, though, and Nakoa glances up at him, just once, before turning back to the task at hand.

“I mean it,” Rem says.

Means what? “Sure.” T-shirt, underwear. It’ll work. Someday, when Nakoa’s not counting every penny, he’ll buy Rem some new clothes, fi him back in with the style.

Nakoa, though. He needs a job, first. Something simple, something under the table. A stable place in LA, or somewhere else, because he and Rem are living off of gas station snacks and Nakoa’s stomach is protesting bite of food he eats.

But every mile between him and Withervale feels a little more like flying

He gives Rem his clothes, and before he can turn away, Rem’s fingers reach out, wrap around his wrist. His voice is soft, unlike him, when he says, “Nakoa,” and Nakoa looks up, studies the lines in Rem’s face, the curve of his cheekbones, the arch of his eyebrows.

He doesn’t know what to say, so he lifts a shoulder in a shrug and holds uncertainty deep in his chest like an old friend. Rem strokes his thumb down Nakoa’s wrist, and there’s a short glimpse of a smile before he lifts one hand, the one holding his towel, and pulls Nakoa in, forehead to forehead, whiskey strong on his breath.

Nakoa breathes it in, lets his eyes fall close as the towel unravels at Rem’s feet, as Rem closes the distance between them.

Rem tastes like whiskey, like freedom, like betrayal, but Nakoa can’t complain if he tastes like someone else. He accepts the kiss for whatever it is, and pulls back. Taps his fingers against Rem’s chest and says, “I’m pretty tired, man.”

It’s not a denial, but Rem’s different, shitfaced, whiskey heavy on his lips and in his limbs, and Nakoa likes him normal, likes him sober, likes the way he lingers. Often, Nakoa wonders if he imagines the lingering.

He doesn’t question it. But the stark difference between sober and drunk feels like night and day, and Nakoa would rather not.

If Rem asks, the answer is yes. But Nakoa prefers not giving him the opportunity to ask. It’s easier to deny him.

Sometime in the night, Rem wakes and vomits over the side of the bed. Nakoa m, eyes heavy with sleep, says nothing. Presses himself against Rem’s back when he’s done, wracking his brain for a song. Settles in on “Friday I’m in Love” after he decides The Clash might be too fast.

His forehead is sweaty against Rem’s shoulder blades. But he doesn’t pull away, keeps humming for Rem well after the song is through, continuing with Modern English and Simple Minds.

“You don't have to do this.”

Nakoa doesn’t falter in his humming, just drops a hand over Rem’s waist and tugs him in.

He pressed his mouth against Rem’s skin, not like a kiss, bur as much like one as he dares. He hums, holds Rem’s denial behind his teeth, doesn’t answer.

-

“Clutch,” Rem says, pressing on Nakoa’s left knee. “Middle is brake. Right’s gas.” He taps the gear shift. “So, driving. Ease off the gas a bit, onto the clutch, shift, off the clutch, onto the gas.”

Nakoa blinks. His heart beats, strong and steady in his chest. “And to move?”

Rem’s voice holds its tone when he speaks, walks Nakoa through the steps. The car stalls under Nakoa’s guidance the first three times, but Rem pushes him forward, encouragement heavy in his words, and Nakoa’s chest swells with pride when he can finally drive his way across the parking lot.

They traded in the junker for this piece of shit, more torn up than the last. It smells like weed and vomit and pine trees, but it gets better mileage, and the speakers aren't blown out, and Rem won fifteen hundred in a bet on the game two nights ago.

The Earth feels less like Jello beneath Nakoa's feet.

Rem grips his thigh when Nakoa turns through the parking lot, pleased as he lets out a yell, and—oh.

Nakoa kills the engine, and the car comes to a slow stop. “Fuck.”

But Rem waves it away. “It’s great! Shit, I burnt out Billi’s clutch the first time I tried—” But at the mention of his mother, Rem’s expression falls. He shoves open the door, says, “Enough for today.”

They’re in Utah. Have been for a few days, after replacing the windshield in Colorado, after Jenna.

Yesterday, Nakoa got inexplicably homesick, stared at a payphone for five minutes, and convinced himself not to call.

Barely.

They settle into each other’s seats. The beauty of this van, Nakoa realizes, is that it isn’t; an old, clunker of a beast, with the back seats torn out and a sunroof modded in. Except for showers, they don’t need motels anymore.

Their trip got a hell of a lot cheaper. And, heading into LA, Nakoa’s not sure how far their money will go.

Relieved to be out of the driver’s seat, back under Rem’s practiced hand, Nakoa reaches for the cigarettes and lights up.

His voice echoes. “Think we can find a mattress?”

“One that isn’t covered in shit or blood?” Rem shrugs. “Guess we’ll find out.”

They do; kind of. They definitely find the mattress. An old, stained old thing from an old woman in the city, who’s upgrading for her and her husband. She takes one look at the van, one look at Nakoa and Rem, and pats Rem’s hand with a twinkle in her eye. “I expect you boys will get plenty of use out of it.”

She winks at Nakoa, and Nakoa offers her an uncertain smile. Rem looks like his head is going to blow off if she doesn’t let go of it.

The manhandle the mattress into the back of the van after Nakoa hands over the twenty. The mattress isn’t stained, isn’t old, but it’s floral and weak and smells of mothballs, and when Nakoa shuts the door to the passenger seat, it already reeks of old perfume in the van.

Rem sits next to him, quiet and pensive. Doesn’t start the van.

Nakoa waits, but ten minutes and he’s still sitting there. “What?”

“What’d she mean by that?”

By… what? “Who?”

“Getting use out of it. That’s not fucked up to you?”

For the— “Rem, she probably meant with girls.”

“…Right.”

“You’re really worried about what some random old woman has to say about shit?” Nakoa’s not exactly out and proud, but this isn’t under his skin. Rem picks at what’s left of the polish on his nails, his body tense and unforgiving. “Rem.”

“Never mind.”

He’s ashamed, then; that’s what that means. His mothers, he has mothers, and he still feels shame. Nakoa’s own family makes jokes at the expense of people like them, has told him that if one of their children was queer they’d set them straight, and Rem’s the one sitting here worried about what this old woman thinks of them.

But it’s not anger that courses through Nakoa’s veins, thinking that. Instead, confusion muddles his brain. He tries to think of something, anything, to make him feel better, but there’s nothing. Not words, anyway. Nakoa licks his lips, he’s about to suggest that they go to a park, or an abandoned parking garage or something and they can christen the new mattress, but Rem puts the van gear and drives off.

They hit up a department store for the sheets, and Nakoa spends twenty minutes glaring at on-sale camping gear trying to find sleeping bags that don’t look like shit while Rem searches for pillows, and Nakoa feels the weight of his remaining money in his pocket like a brick.

He’s not sure how much is left. Between the van, the motels, food, Nakoa’s sure it’s dwindling. Rem says nothing, just brings home dinner, whiskey, less and less every day.

 Nakoa buys the blankets. What else are they supposed to do—go back home?

They find a place on an empty road, far from the city, that night, coyotes howling in the distance, a small campfire built out of the back end of the van. Rem hangs his legs off the van, stares up at the sky. A bottle of whiskey sits between his legs. Bowie plays softly in the background.

Nakoa’s not sure of the last time he’d been this happy. In Utah, of all places, so far from home that Withervale feels like a separate fucking planet.

In the clear night, the glow of the crackling fire, Nakoa wonders if Rem would agree. If he seems happy, or if he is happy. Rem never fucking talks to him, tells him to fuck off if Nakoa gets too close. If he missteps. He’s a jackass.

Nakoa’s afraid of how much he likes him anyway. If, once they get to LA, if Rem will enjoy it. If he’ll enjoy it too much.

He reaches for the whiskey, pleased by the noise Rem makes as he goes for it. “Don’t get your hopes up.”

Rem’s laugh comes stark and surprising, echoes across the empty space, and Nakoa wants to kiss him until he feels that warmth through his entire body. “Probably the only thing I can get up right now.”

Snorting, Nakoa lifts the whiskey to his lips, savors the taste, the taste, and heat that pools in his stomach. “This is,” he says, but doesn’t know what he wants to say. Captivated by the stars, by the scenery. But Rem’s quiet, comforting presence beside him—

Nakoa wants to kiss him. Press him into the flowery, old mattress behind them and undress him, kiss down his chest and blow him, press into him until Nakoa’s name rests on his lips soft and tense. Until Rem clenches his teeth and his groan comes from his chest and.

Fuck. He wants, so much, to make Rem feel so good that he forgets what the world has done to him. 

“I’ve thought about living off the land before. Away from the city. Own a little farm or something.” An orchard. Some goats. Chickens, the modern dinosaurs they are, and Nakoa presses his finger against the ankylosaurus tattoo on his side. Thinks back to the artist that did it for him, briefly, and what he’s doing.

If he remembers Nakoa at all.

“Get the fuck away from people,” Rem says. He sounds tired, now, drunk. He hops from the van and kicks dirt over the fire. It’s dark enough that Nakoa can’t make out Rem’s features without direct light.

“Yeah.” But not Rem. “Dunno. Don’t wanna get kicked in the head, either.” Doesn’t want to give Rem up. He holds that deep inside his chest, though, locked away where he hopes Rem won’t find it, where Nakoa himself won’t be tempted to look.

When Rem says nothing, Nakoa crawls up the mattress, knees scraping the cool metal of the floor of the van. He tugs one of the sleeping bags over his body, presses his face into his pillow and sighs.

He’s not sure when Rem shuts the door and joins him, but Rem lies there, on his back, until Nakoa’s loopy with exhaustion and alcohol, and on the verge of sleep. Nakoa hears him say, “I—”

And then Nakoa passes out.

[carriefisherscokenail]

as payback you gotta do aLL ONE HUNDRED UNUSUAL ASKS

>:0000

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?Spotify. always

is your room messy or clean?clean !!!! i cleaned yesterday

what color are your eyes?green to me but some ppl say hazel but i think theyre green

do you like your name? why?sometimes as a kid i always HATED my name because i think its ugly and i still do but now i just care less

what is your relationship status?i have a real cute gf

describe your personality in 3 words or lessbad jokes

what color hair do you have?red/orange depends who u ask

what kind of car do you drive? color?2004 Nissan Pathfinder in maroon shes old but shes a trooper

where do you shop?like everywhere

how would you describe your style?my ideal style is 1970′s wannabe but ive been through so many phases its all just a hodgepodge of vintage-esque, hippy, jeans and t-shirt, lace and who the fuck knows what else. 

favorite social media account/this hellsite

what size bed do you have? i have a twin bed but fun fact i used to have a full but because i dont move while sleeping i got a twin bed and i still only use half of it

any siblings?one sis

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?sitges, spain, in an old apartment with only necessary renovations. i love sitges. 

favorite snapchat filter?hmmmmm idk 

favorite makeup brand(s)i really like smashbox?

how many times a week do you shower?usually 4 or 5

favorite tv show?parks and rec or ahs

shoe size?7 or 7.5 

how tall are you?5′ 2″ :/ 

sandals or sneakers? well i love my adidas so sneakers

do you go to the gym? no

describe your dream datei dont kno 

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?a crisp $20

what color socks are you wearing? none 

how many pillows do you sleep with?one or none like beneath my head but i actually have like nine

do you have a job? what do you do? i dont have a job :(

how many friends do you have? i dont know 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? i cut some of my sisters finger off on accident  

whats your favorite candle scent? hmmmmm i really like vanilla candles but i didn’t used to until i bought this woodburning in like december and now i have three but i also love lavender

3 favorite boy namesmario, luigi, bowser

3 favorite girl namesmario, luigi, bowser

favorite actor? chris pratt probably boy do i love that man

favorite actress? hmm i love carrie fisher but i also love sarah paulson

who is your celebrity crush?sarah paulson 

favorite movie? fried green tomatoes, but im a cheerleader, and vacation

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i dont but my fave book is fried green tomatoes

money or brains? what is this even asking? like, which would i rather have or which do i look for in a person or what? keep me posted

do you have a nickname? what is it? i have ten billion reesie, reese a roni, reese-otto, deace, reeses pieces (which i do not condone)

how many times have you been to the hospital?the one time i was born

top 10 favorite songsSHIT okay. 1. your protector by fleet foxes2. talking in code by margot and the nuclear so and sos3. on a freezing chicago street by margot and the nuclear so and sos4. the chain by fleetwood mac5. storms by fleetwood mac6. peacekeeper by fleetwood mac7. tusk by fleetwood mac8. otherside by rhcp9. narc by interpol 10. nara by alt-j 

do you take any medications daily? not anymore

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)dry i think ? idk i moisturize now so

what is your biggest fear? well, if we’re not going too deep here, the ocean. if we are, rejection

how many kids do you want? ZERO 

whats your go to hair style?curled and parted down the middle 

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) its big i think 

who is your role model? tbh i dont know

what was the last compliment you received?my gf said i’m cute

what was the last text you sent?“omggg” god im so dull

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?like nine

what is your dream car? one that has good gas mileage and isn’t too low to the ground

opinion on smoking?tbh my parents smoke and my whole family does too so i find it strangely comforting even tho i dont do it myself and i like the smell

do you go to college? not yet

what is your dream job? journalist or something involved with film (costume casting etc)

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? ive lived in rural areas almost my whole life and i miss it so that but id live in the city over everything 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? i don’t but my mom does

do you have freckles? yeah a fucken million of em

do you smile for pictures?yes i do

how many pictures do you have on your phone?over 1000 

have you ever peed in the woods? yes i have 

do you still watch cartoons? i watched sponebob this morning

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?i think mcdonalds

Favorite dipping sauce? i don’t dip that much 

what do you wear to bed? usually a sweatshirt and no pants

have you ever won a spelling bee?ive never even been in one

what are your hobbies?tbh i dont have any

can you draw? i CAN draw just not well

do you play an instrument?i play the guitar and i can still remember hot cross buns on recorder

what was the last concert you saw? imagine dragons in 2014

tea or coffee?recently its been tea but i go back and fourth

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?ive never been to dunkin donuts

do you want to get married?im 17 i dont know

what is your crush’s first and last initial?RC (this question makes me uncomfortable and i dont even know why)

are you going to change your last name when you get married? im literlaly 17

what color looks best on you? blue probaby?

do you miss anyone right now? yeha a lot of ppl

do you sleep with your door open or closed?closed

do you believe in ghosts?of course i do

what is your biggest pet peeve? i have so many i really hate it when my sister takes my clothes though 

last person you called`my gf

favorite ice cream flavor? cookie dough

regular oreos or golden oreos?i like em both

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow is this even a question

what shirt are you wearing?a sweatshirt from my old high school

what is your phone background?scary terry

are you outgoing or shy?i think i can be both it depends on the person

do you like it when people play with your hair?it depends on the person usually yes

do you like your neighbors? yes !

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?i wash it in the morning usually sometimes at night

have you ever been high?yes

have you ever been drunk? yes

last thing you ate? some weird bar my neighbor made

favorite lyrics right nowthis entire song tbh

On a freezing Chicago street we shook Your hands were trembling from all those pills you took And we got drunk on cheap red wine in a paper cup And I was barely awake when you got home And climbed yourself into bed wearing cheap perfume And Sarah screamed your every breath is a gift If you weren't so selfish than you might want to live So if your lover should leave don't get too sad And don't compose epic poems to win her back Cause when your bird has flown, she'll never return home Though all your life you'll wait she never will return

summer or winter?summer!!

day or night? night!!!

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk!!

favorite month? october. my birthday and fall and halloween

what is your zodiac signlibra !

who was the last person you cried in front of? i dont kno holy fuck that took an hour 

[lookwhatilost]

there’s an ask meme i see on my dash rn and since nobody will send me anything if i reblog it here, ill jst answer the questions and put them under the cut

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? i dnt use any of them lmfao

is your room messy or clean? messy!!!!! what color are your eyes? dark brown do you like your name? why? i’ve never liked my actual name! i’ve jst always found it to be ugly. whenever someone gives me a nickname, i glom onto it bc i’d rather be called pretty much anything else what is your relationship status? im not dating anyone and im not talking to anyone and tbqh i could not care less describe your personality in 3 words or less superficial space cadet what color hair do you have? brown what kind of car do you drive? color? blue 2010 honda civic. she’s great. where do you shop? forever 21 mostly how would you describe your style? cute but inconsistent favorite social media account as of right now, probably peach. i love my peach ring! and the lack of centralized feed makes it ideal for shitposting what size bed do you have? double any siblings? one brother. he dznt say or do much if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? somewhere cold and far away. i jst want to be somewhere else favorite snapchat filter? i love the dog filter bc they change it up every holiday & i love the milk carton filter bc it’s the best worst thing ive ever seen favorite makeup brand(s) the beauty industry is evil how many times a week do you shower? usually 7 but that’s assuming im not having a severe depression bout favorite tv show? bojack horseman! shoe size? 8.5 or 9, depending on the shoe how tall are you? 5′7″ sandals or sneakers? sneakers! do you go to the gym? only if its too cold to run outside describe your dream date i dnt rly care abt date activities themselves as long as im having a good time w the other person. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? $54 what color socks are you wearing? none! im wearing slippers and theyre brown how many pillows do you sleep with? 4 do you have a job? what do you do? yes. i do hair and i dnt like it how many friends do you have? 2 close ones whats the worst thing you have ever done? omg... like 3 years ago i let this girl use facebook on my phone bc she had her internet access taken from her for some reason. she didn’t log out so i jst kind of kept it logged in bc she was friends with evil nate/this guy who was actively trying to ruin my life (long story) & i kind of wanted to keep an eye on him. anyway she used to meet these weird random guys on a website called myyearbook or something, and while my friend riley and i were lurking, one of them started messaging her all this weird stuff like “i wanna like… fuck your boobs” and we couldn’t like ignore it bc clearly he saw we were online. so we jst kept sending him back things like “that’s nice” hoping he would go away. he kept at it anyway and started pestering her/us for nudes and like… clearly we couldn’t send him any. so we decided to tell him like “sorry i can’t rn” and he got rlly rlly angry and flipped out and told her/us to never speak to him again. he seriously blocked her over it omg it was ridiculous! so we deleted the messages that we had sent behind her back & logged out to keep things from getting any worse. the next time i saw her she was like “yeah i think nick deactivated his fb isn’t that weird?” and i had to pretend like this was new information and not something i was undoubtedly responsible for whats your favorite candle scent? the golden sands yankee candle is my go-to! 3 favorite boy names / 3 favorite girl names i can’t think of any off the top of my head!

favorite actor? favorite actress? who is your celebrity crush? these were 3 separate questions, but i have no personal investment in celebrity culture, so im jst going to answer them all w that. favorite movie? it’s hard to say but i’ve been watching black swan a lot lately do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i dnt read as often as i’d like to. my favorite book is pet sematary!  money or brains? brains.. duh do you have a nickname? what is it? i’ve had a lot of nicknames and i always sort of latched onto them bc the name on my birth certificate is Fuckin ugly. ppl called me kitty in middle school and janice when i was a freshman in high school. for the life of me i cant remember where either of those originated from how many times have you been to the hospital? idk how many times ive been to the ER or whatever but i’ve had to stay there 3 times top 10 favorite songs i can never think of favorite anythings and they change constantly anyway do you take any medications daily? yeah what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) oily -_- what is your biggest fear? abandonment 😵 how many kids do you want? none whats your go to hair style? i always go back to a blonde bob that’s like, an inch or two longer than my chin what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) jst an average size single family home? who is your role model? dnt have one what was the last compliment you received? i cant remember but it was probably something affirming ian said to me what was the last text you sent? ”#iansrevenge” to ian, obviously how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? fairly young. i dnt remember being too invested in that stuff either way what is your dream car? i drove my dream car for like 3 years and it was nothing but a hassle, so now i no longer have goals or ambitions opinion on smoking? there are worse things. the tobacco industry, on the other hand... do you go to college? lol what is your dream job? LOL would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? rural area. there’s no privacy in the suburbs do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? always do you have freckles? yes do you smile for pictures? sometimes! how many pictures do you have on your phone? 800 have you ever peed in the woods? i’ve been camping many times before so probably

do you still watch cartoons? sometimes but i’m not invested in any do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? i would never cheat on wendy Favorite dipping sauce? buffalo sauce! what do you wear to bed? fleece pants and a t shirt. nothing exciting have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never even competed in one what are your hobbies? when you work 40 hours a week you literally dnt have time for hobbies can you draw? i used to all the time but yknow... shit happens do you play an instrument? again, used to. mental illness is a real bitch sometimes what was the last concert you saw? elton john! tea or coffee? tea Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? starbucks!! do you want to get married? no what is your crush’s first and last initial? PASS are you going to change your last name when you get married? i can’t ever see myself getting married but if i do i won’t change my last name unless i like theirs a lot what color looks best on you? white do you miss anyone right now? i miss my friends! do you sleep with your door open or closed? open, usually do you believe in ghosts? yes what is your biggest pet peeve? total strangers standing too close to me in public last person you called` michael favorite ice cream flavor? mint chocolate 😋 regular oreos or golden oreos? regular chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow 💜 what shirt are you wearing? one of my work shirts what is your phone background? the lacey street theater in fairbanks are you outgoing or shy? definitely on the shy side do you like it when people play with your hair? im indifferent to it do you like your neighbors? i dnt talk to them do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? both! have you ever been high? yes binch have you ever been drunk? im drunk... often last thing you ate? a banana favorite lyrics right now nothing is resonating strongly with me at the moment. my personality has been out on lunch for abt 2 months now and im not sure when theyre coming back. summer or winter? winter day or night? night dark, milk, or white chocolate? white favorite month? october! what is your zodiac sign gemini who was the last person you cried in front of? probably my mom. who knows