#i once again loathe big pharma

[thedragonflycluster]

Birth control has made me feel like I'm going Actually Insane (I can't emotionally regulate), makes me feel disgusted with my& body/dysmorphia and I crave junk food so bad I get stomach aches after compulsively eating a shit ton at once.

Yeah I don't think I can keep up w it anymore. I'd rather find some other option than deal with this mini hell. ☘️

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #18- Rung Psychologically Tortures a Man with Poor Snack Management

So, Swerve’s having a less than stellar day, and for once it isn’t linked to his deep-rooted sense of self-loathing.

Good thing he already emptied those stills, otherwise this would be just the hugest mess.

Thanks to some off-panel Whirl shenanigans that took place prior to this storyline, Swerve had Brainstorm put in a few security measures. Of course, Brainstorm being Brainstorm, never does weaponry in any half-measures.

Still, it isn’t quite enough. Looks like Swerve’s going to have to break out the big guns for this guy.

There’s a lot going on here, so let’s break it down.

On the character side of things, it would appear that Swerve is a merciful god of robot booze, as he’s not yet banned anyone from his small business, even when he probably ought to- Fort Max I get, and Whirl has the whole “is also an Autobot” thing going on, but Cyclonus has actively attempted to murder Swerve in the past, and also is the closest thing to a Decepticon they’ve got on the ship at any given time.

On the weaponry side of things, it would seem that Swerve having blown his face clean off his skull back in issue #12 got back to Brainstorm, who- because he’s married to his career and loves a project- immediately got to work on a gun that Swerve could actually handle with his funky little cartoon-man hands. Of course, that doesn’t mean Swerve’s going to get away with his dignity intact, oh heavens no! This thing has a literal smiley face slapped on the front of it. Well, you know what they say: it’s Nerf or Nothing.

Swerve blasts a hole in the Legislator with his silly, silly gun, and the bar is saved from further destruction.

I like to imagine that Brainstorm recorded that victory line himself, because he wants to support his friends, in his own, bizarre way.

Things are looking rough for the rest of the Lost Light, as the Legislators have completely flooded the ship with their forces, as the crew do their best to fight them off. Blaster’s had his titty compartment blasted open. Huffer is screaming. The medics have taken to violence. Skids has broken out the brass knuckles and is making god-awful math puns. The Legislators are still coming, without any end in sight. It’s a real shitshow.

Over on Luna 1, it would appear that Ratchet immediately passed out after seeing Pharma, which is a fair response to seeing someone who’s supposed to be very much dead, I think. Pharma calls Lockdown, they have a bit of banter, and then the scene moves on to whatever Cyclonus and Whirl are doing.

Because these two are the only ones on the away team who can actually fly, they’ve broken off from the rest. Whirl’s getting antsy, and decides he’s gonna fight something. Cyclonus, though he does mention that Rodimus told them not to do exactly what Whirl is suggesting, seems to agree with this line of thought.

Speaking of Rodimus, him and the rest of the gang are zipping around on those M.A.R.B.s, though it appears as if some of the passengers have switched drivers. Rung’s over with Chromedome now, holding on to him for dear life. Maybe they’re having an impromptu grief counseling session as they run from danger. Tailgate’s with Rodimus, and he’s just pointed out that Ratchet got left behind. Rodimus can’t deal with that right now, though, and decides that they need to get away from all these gotdang Decepticons and then figure out their next step.

Then he’s distracted by the literal lineup of dead Titans just hanging out on the moon.

Luna 1’s kinda fucked up.

Cutting back to our framing device- nope, still haven’t gotten caught up with the present yet- Ambus asks what Rodimus did next. Well, a lot happened. A lot. Chromedome jumped out of his therapy session with Rung and transforms into his alt, which I want to say is the only time he’ll do it in MTMTE. Whirl and Cyclonus are faffing about in the sky, more or less toying with the Decepticons following them. Rodimus wants to pull another Fantastic Voyage, much to Tailgate’s horror.

Rodimus zooms into the first crack he sees, but doesn’t manage to lose his attackers. Tailgate provides commentary, as Rodimus wraps the little guy around his neck like a cape, leaps from the M.A.R.B., and does some super sick gymnastics, hanging from a pipe jutting out of the ceiling as the guys who were chasing them run into… well, I assume each other, but it’s not terribly clear.

Crisis avoided, Rodimus drops down, transforming as he does. Tailgate goes with him, because gravity is still a thing on the moon, and we get a reminder that he’s only got a couple days left to live. Unfortunately, it would appear he’ll be spending his final days rotting in a prison cell, as Lockdown shows up with everyone else in handcuffs, forcing Rodimus to come quietly. Everyone seems very put out by this whole situation, especially Brainstorm. He’s downright furious, probably because he got captured by the guy with a fish butt on his head.

Oh, the indignity of it all!

Then again, maybe he’s just focused on working up the cajones to ask just what the hell is going on on this super weird moon. Lockdown obviously isn’t a bad enough dude to be running this operation- we saw what happened the last time he went against someone who actually had the time to plan something out- so our away team has deduced that there’s someone higher up on the food chain here. Also, there’s the whole issue of money clearly being a major factor in all this.

That sort of tech doesn’t just fall out of the sky.

As they’re being walked down this corridor of tension building, Chromedome spies Ultra Magnus in an adjoining hallway. He calls to him, but is very solidly ignored. But there’s no time to worry about Magnus being a rude shit, because it’s time for character reveals!

There’s an interesting little detail about Tyrest’s character, which is a little hard to see given the layout of the art for this page, but here it is, on the end of his staff:

Now, I know that the Autobot badge was appropriated from a symbol meant to represent Primus, but that was millions of years ago. So much for being a neutral party, huh Tyrest?

Rodimus is real peeved about being chased, shot at, arrested, and held against his will, and fully intends to give Tyrest a piece of his mind. Tyrest isn’t interested, however, telling him to shove a sock in it, or be “held in contempt.” While this is happening, Perceptor and Brainstorm have noticed the positively humongous and positively ancient space bridge that Tyrest just has lying around in this room.

Oh no, this is about the baby field from last issue, isn’t it? Brainstorm’s going to jail for infant arson.

Rodimus greatly dislikes this whole situation, and expresses himself through the art of verbal abuse. Smash cut to them back in the cell, Ambus not seeming terribly impressed with how Rodimus handled himself with Tyrest.

The tale is finished, we know where we were. Now how to move forward?

Chromedome asks for a bit more information on our new friend, because the whole “Ambus” thing is throwing him off, and with good reason: how do you tell your late husband’s ex that you had to blow up your mutual partner to keep him from being eaten by a lippy bastard? But this isn’t the illustrious Dominus Ambus- this is MINIMUS Ambus, the lesser known brother. Chromedome/Dominus isn’t completely taken off the table, however, as Minimus uses some awkward phrases that seems to tell me Dominus isn’t confirmed dead.

Rung wants to know what Minimus’ whole deal is, seeing as he’s also in prison with the lot of them. Minimus explains that he’d been moving a shipment of energon derivatives, when Tyrest had arrested him for having traces of space cocaine in his goods.

Was taking his eye really necessary, Tyrest?

Minimus was placed into custody years ago, and has been awaiting trial this whole time. Not exactly sure why, seeing as this moon isn’t exactly off the chain populated. Maybe Tyrest’s just been busy doing things that are absolutely NOT nefarious in any form or fashion whatsoever.

Minimus mentions that he’s lost his Autobot badge, and Rung offers to let him borrow his own- which we’ve never seen him wear because it’s apparently too big for him- but Minimus would rather he wear it himself.

Tailgate doesn’t take to this bit of information about the appeals system very well, seeing as he’s not got years to wait around. He’s beginning to panic, not trusting Cyclonus and Whirl to break them out, and starts needling the others to do something. Brainstorm reveals that his briefcase, which he’s had this entire time, as he always does, has an attention deflector built into it, making it effectively invisible to Tyrest and his goons. Rung feels a certain kinship with the briefcase in that moment.

Imagine walking up to a widower and saying “Hey there, honeybunches, how about submitting to that crippling addiction your late spouse begged you to quit so we can bust out of prison?”

Of course, Tailgate’s only told Cyclonus about his condition, so no one’s exactly raring to go busting out, since they’ve assumed everyone present is effectively immortal.

Over on another part of the moon, Ratchet’s finally waking up from his stress-induced nap to find Pharma channeling his inner Jigsaw. Ratchet gives him some constructive criticism on his new hands, but Pharma’s kind of over listening to whatever Ratchet thinks.

Oh, I hope it’s one of those gag gifts where you open it and get hit in the face with a pie. Those are always a laugh.

Back on the Lost Light, Swerve is looking for his very best friend in the whole wide world. I really hope the feeling is mutual, because there’s no way Swerve would survive that sort of rejection.

The doors to the oil reservoir open, looking like the elevator scene from The Shining, and we see what’s become of our dear, dear Skidsy.

Skids is pretty sure all this Legislator nonsense is because of him, and he’s not about to let people die for his sorry butt today, no siree. He’s gonna save the day.

Then again, this is about where Star Saber pops into existence behind him and stabs him through the spine, so maybe not.

Behold, a bastard!

Star Saber in the IDW run is well-known as being a witch-hunting zealot who can and will commit acts of violence over any perceived slight against Primus he identifies in any given living creature. This is a stark removal from his original character, who is so pure-hearted, kind, and generous, he literally adopted an orphan to raise as his own son. So, what exactly happened here?

TMUK happened.

Back in the days before Roberts was a professional scriptwriter, back before IDW had the license for Transformers, the members of the TMUK fan group decided that Victory’s Star Saber was going to be evil. Why isn’t exactly clear, only that it was a decision that was made not by Roberts on his lonesome, but more as a collaborative effort. Of course, this Star Saber isn’t a one-to-one copy of the TMUK Star Saber- that guy was much more conniving and, uh, Hitler-y, than what we have here.

Getting back to the story, Swerve tries to save/avenge Skids, firing with his custom gun, only to miss every single shot.

Looks like there’s going to need to be a rework on the My First Blaster.

Swerve gets beaned over the head with the butt of Star Saber’s sword for his troubles, his visor shattering in the process. Damn, sure hope he’s got a reading prescription, and not anything he’ll actually need to see.

Back over on the moon, Ratchet’s pretty uninterested in playing Pharma’s little game. It’s just as well though, because, as it turns out, Pharma’s an impatient guy. Must be an absolute nightmare during the holiday season and birthdays. He throws open the box, revealing what’s inside.

THAT IS NOT PIE.

But we saw Ratchet’s face over on the other side of the room. How can he be in two places at once? Well, here’s the thing about Transformers…

They’re pretty darn hard to kill.

Back in the cell, Rung’s doing his part as a member of the away team by passing out snacks. Tailgate reveals his awful garbage disposal mouth. We get the down-low on Tyrest.

Once upon a time, Tyrest was an engineer. Then the war happened, shit got crazy, and suddenly he was organizing exoduses and peace talks with genocidal maniacs, and got appointed Chief Justice by the space pope himself.

Rodimus comes over to get in on the little snack party Rung and Tailgate are having, mentioning the Aequitas Trials- the very ones that were recorded onto Ironfist’s brain back in Last Stand of the Wreckers. Minimus comes over, warning Rodimus to keep hush-hush about those, since they’re top secret and all. Kind of a weird thing for you to do, Minimus. Hell, why do YOU know about these super secret trials, Mr. Nobody Trader Guy? Those were after Dominus disappeared, so it’s not like you had an in through your cool older brother.

Rodimus gives everyone the skinny on the trials, despite Minimus being weird about the whole thing.

Perceptor knows all this already, but I suppose it’s possible Rodimus is the only son of a gun who isn’t subscribed to Wreckers: Declassified and isn’t aware of Perceptor’s whole deal.

Minimus moves the topic over to the crew of the Lost Light, latching on to Skids specifically the moment he’s mentioned. Rung does his due diligence and offers Minimus a ride on the snack train. Minimus declines, Rung insists, and the box of space pocky is dropped on the floor.

Minimus goes to help Rung pick up the snacks, as Rung actively hinders the clean up effort.

Minimus is two seconds from snapping Rung’s scrawny little wrist like a toothpick if he doesn’t quit it. Luckily Rodimus is there to break up this positively bizarre situation. And then things get really weird.

Rung’s been watching Minimus since they got here, noticing things that were very familiar- speech patterns, mannerisms, tone, inflection, OCD behaviors, things like that. Once he developed enough of a hunch, Rung started intentionally antagonizing him by making a mess and putting his Autobot badge on in a way that isn’t up to standards. Why would he do this? Why would he want to cause an outburst in someone he just met?

Well, the thing is, he hasn’t just met Minimus Ambus. He’s actually been serving under him for the last year.

That’s a rather dark use of your doctorate, Rung, forcing a man to reveal his true identity by poking at his mental health until he was about to snap your neck over some candy. You did it so well, too.

Maybe you were on Kimia for more than just psych evals. What was your career officially called again? Psyops specialist is what they have listed on the Wiki. Truth be told, I don’t even know what that entails. Let’s look it up, shall we?

...I guess therapy is his side gig?

So either Roberts meant something else entirely, or Rung is actually super fucking scary.

[govtplates]

Suicide Note

Mirror: paste.ee/p/iClXD

Please rehost on zeronet and substratum when they publish their hosting platform

Early Saturday morning, I killed myself with toxic gas. The last two years of my life have been a slow motion death sentence, and I’ve finally chosen to complete it on my own terms. I started planning this more than a month ago when I first realized that my last chance for survival had failed me. I’m mentally disabled, very ill and I was illegally fired from my last job as a dishwasher because of it six months ago. Since then, I’ve been fighting a discrimination case against the company through the Seattle Office for Civil Rights. A settlement from the result of that became my only chance to escape what’s destroyed my life, but SOCR failed me. It was agonizingly difficult and straining to get an investigator on my case, and then he quit a few weeks after opening it in February. Since then every employee I’ve dealt with from top to bottom has been dishonest and deceitful to me, after realizing that no one in the only organization with the ability to help me had any interest of actually helping me, I lost any hope of getting a new investigator in a time frame that’ll save me. I only got a new investigator last week, and by then it was far too late. If this got started when it should have, it would be wrapped up this month at the very latest.

Then, some days later I go notice that my rent is going up next month, which sealed my fate. For the last year I’ve had to depend on my parents, Ken and Jodi for bills after an unsuccessful job hunt after being laid off. They have abused me my entire life, always mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically. They’re delusional, sadistic, childishly vindictive, dangerously stupid, and terrifyingly negligent. In January they forced me into an agreement that conditioned their continued payment of my bills on me taking pharmaceutical medication from a psychiatrist. This is in virtue of their delusion that my mental illnesses are genetic and innate, not brought up from my environment and what’s done to me. I’ve had all of my DNA sequenced, which disproved any disposition to neural conditions early in life. This agreement wasn’t arrived at through discourse or negotiation, but out of nowhere they exploited my worst fears against me at my most vulnerable moment in order to renege on past agreements and strong arm me into lying about agreeing to their condition. A few psychiatrist meetings and a pharmacy visit later, it was relatively harmless but insanely stressful because of how impulsively aggressive my parents are. So my current fears aren’t precisely that their current condition is unachievable, it doesn’t hurt me to fill my cabinet with wasted pill bottles, despite the wasted money handed to big pharma that could go to help cover my basic needs. But they are absurdly dishonest people, they will never for even a second stay faithful to any agreement or negotiation. They hold the fact that they cover my bills over me to try to leverage me into more and more of their impulsive demands, they talk to me like I’m a pet dog and to this day it’s never stopped even though I’m 20. I’d need the settlement money to cover my life expenses until I could get back on my feet alone, given that relying on my parents is untenable and could be revoke any month now on their whim. They’ve always prospered from their privilege, idolized the rich and loathed the poor which is why they just don’t understand at all the poverty that they forced me into.

In late 2016, I moved back in with them after having to drop out of university and they promised to support me in moving back out to a new college somewhere to do whatever program I wanted. Then within days they did a reversal and said they’d only pay for me to get a Bachelor’s, claiming that it’s necessary for a job which is bullshit since nearly all degrees are useless, connections are all that matter. Then again just days later, another reversal and they said they wouldn’t support me living anywhere doing anything, not even staying at their home, with the cannabis that I needed for medical purposes. They were very clearly freestyling their parenting methods, with zero regard for my wellbeing and the pathetic notion that they could squeeze aspects of me that they disapproved of out with force, and I’ll eventually submit to their every whim after their force me through enough misery and suffering. It was at that point that I was forced out of their place, and living out of a suitcase I couch hopped until landing at this current house in December.

The cannabis has been medicinal since that summer two years ago for PTSD, I had been illegally detained (essentially kidnapped) and psychologically tortured at a mental institution for more than two weeks. I was the victim of multiple felonies committed by government officials and medical professionals, including perjury and malpractice to justify my detainment in what was basically a jail. It was aided and encouraged by my parents, my mom said the first night she had slept well in a while was after hearing that I had gotten locked up. The corporation that owns the Fairfax institution, United Health Services, has been under investigation by multiple federal agencies for years for longterm and widespread national fraud and abuse, scheming insurance to lock people up on false pretenses and abuse them under state sanctioned involuntary detainment. This has been covered by Rosalind Adams extensively in Buzzfeed, and it’s exactly what happened to me. I had excessive hubris and had ordered what I thought was acid from an onion market, it turned out to be 25i-NBOMe which is a very dangerous and toxic synthetic compound. I mistakenly tried some without testing and had a jarring trip, ending with inescapable paranoia and hallucinations that I had copped from a honeypot and the feds would be at my door in the morning, I panicked and thought suicide was my only way out so I chugged some rum and put back a handful of prozac, then promptly puked it all up. Clearly not premeditated and I quickly called 911, telling police everything because I couldn’t hide anything and I realized I needed help. Any young person that takes a FULL serotonin agonist without preparation absolutely needs gentle and attentive care to help them calm down and move on from the trip, because that shit throttles your neuron pathways and fucks with your chemical balances way more easily than most drugs. It is an absolute crime against my humanity that no one would be there to give me that, all it did was make me a perfect target for the UHS involuntary detainment insurance scam, basically farming the vulnerable and mentally ill to harvest money from while being tortured and held in a pseudo jail without any consent or due process. That arguably makes it worse than jail since aside from the massive corruption and inequality at the roots of the criminal justice system, there’s still the intention and supposition of fair and due process. The cops decided not to charge me with possession and I went to the ER while still super drunk and out of it. The staff at the hospital there didn’t wait at all to question me which I’m pretty certain was illegal, if they waited a few hours until I sobered up I would have told them succinctly the foolish mistakes I made and wouldn’t make again, and that I wasn’t in any danger to anyone. Instead the responses they got from me were drunken mumbling and incoherent partial words, which they used to justify me needing to be shipped off to an institution the next day. Once there I petitioned to be released as soon as possible but I was obstructed everywhere and I was diagnosed with “cannabis use disorder,” normally diagnosed with daily smokers for a decade but I had only been for six months, and they intended to treat it through psychological torture and abuse. It was insanely traumatic and I went on a hunger strike the whole time, only eating some very small snacks and drinking more than ten cups of tea a day. I had bought tickets to fly out and protest at the Democratic National Convention for Bernie, but I was locked up over that whole time and couldn’t follow what happened at all. Since I got out I’ve needed cannabis to cope with the PTSD from then. If I lived in a socialist country then these institutions would actually exist to help people and treat them, and I would have gotten help with the judgment issues that led to the drug mishap. Instead these institutions betrayed me and threw my life into a tailspin, all for some company’s profit.

And at the very least my parents should have stood up for me and done anything to help me from the predatory hospitals but they were completely on their side and took pleasure in my suffering. They have never let up this behavior pattern since, kicking me out on the street a few months later and then six months ago they trigged the incident which led to my former employer turning on me. Then in January they tried to have me murdered by bring cops banging down my door because they exaggerated and trumped up the risk that I was violent which was nonsense and something that I went out of my way to try to tell them. It is the police’s job to exterminate the mentally ill, and having someone lie that you’re a violent threat exponentiates the risk of being gunned down. I kept them from coming inside but they made a huge disturbance for more than an hour on a Saturday afternoon. If I wasn’t white, there would be no question they would have broken the door down and executed me. All of this was done under my parent’s greedy impulses and attempts to force me to become subservient, submissive and forget my long history of being abused by them. They should be given no condolences or extended any sympathy, they need to be criminally investigated and prosecuted for driving my life to its end.

After many traumas all at once last spring (being laid off, losing my partner and all of my friends, people encouraging me to kill myself, friendship with my landlord was ruined, returning to dependence on parents), compounded with my PTSD led me to develop more serious cognitive disabilities, what I suspect is brain damage from hypersecretion of glucocorticoids in the limbic system. I lost my ability to function in public, every friend I had lost patience with me and I was completely isolated while being squeezed all around into deeper poverty and despair. I started to improve in the fall and getting the dishwasher job gave me hope, since they promised to quickly promote me to higher kitchen positions and I expected to soon be able to cover rent again, finally becoming independent. But after the incident which is completely covered in my SOCR file, that did a complete 180 and my hope vanished, sending me back into unending despair and misery.

Dear Filippo Fiori: You had been the first person ever in my entire life to make me feel appreciated and valued. I worked my ass off cleaning every corner of that kitchen because you promised to promote and teach me so fast. Then you committed multiple crimes that set my death in motion, and tried to frame me as having always been incompetent to avoid blame which is far beyond unforgivable. Had I seen the investigation through its end, my plan was to demand at least twenty grand or bankrupt your restaurant, whichever came first. That would be the bare minimum punishment you deserve for your initial crimes, but now it’s up to someone else. I hope it was worth it to you, killing someone in the most vulnerable position because they’re mentally disabled. I did everything I could to warn and explain this all to you but you did what you did and here we are, you made the last six months of my short life miserable and agonizing all to defend a full grown middle aged man with only one year of managing experience.

Lawyers Nancy Chupp and Liza Burke both have my blood on their hands too, they both went out of their way to deliberately lie to me, waste my time and cause me serious damage that I wouldn’t even let them pay me to do. Every lawyer I’ve ever dealt with everywhere has been obstructive and malicious, I think it’s beyond vile how prevalent contempt against the most vulnerable and needing of help is.

To law enforcement: My linux machine is fully encrypted with a very long password, and even if you crack that, all that’s left is my book and media collection. I erased and sfill’d anything interesting so good luck trying to recover shit. If you crack my old laptop password, the only interesting things left on there are my unfinished film and media projects, as that’s all I’ve used it for in many years.

I’m not scared of dying because I’ve already met god, and I’ve discovered the deep truths of this existence. The universe is a hologram, at a subatomic level every single point in space contains a portal to the “implicate order,” or the universal consciousness. The explicate order we reside in is manifested by the ebb and flow of this united energy, at a frequency of planck time each electron enfolds and unfolds, perpetuating alternated spin states that present the illusion of movement and time progression we perceive. All of consciousness and our external reality are the same energy waves manifested and concentrated in different forms, the simulation is like a giant 4D film with a frame rate at the 44th degree of magnitude. We think that our external environment and its objects have physical permanence, while our thoughts in our head are imaginary neurochemical processes, but consciousness is a form of matter ultimately inseparable from anything “physical.” When a 30fps video is slowed down frame by frame, that’s sinking down one order in magnitude of playback speed. If we could do that with the linear time we exist in 44 times, we would reach the plane of existence from which everything that’s ever been and ever will be is conjured from.

To quote David Bohm, who pioneered this theory - “At the present, our whole thought process is telling us that we have to keep our attention here. You can’t cross the street, for example, if you don’t. But consciousness is always in the unlimited depth which is beyond space and time, in the subtler levels of the implicate order. Therefore, if you went deeply enough into the actual present, then maybe there’s no difference between this moment and the next. The idea would be that in the death experience you would get into that. Contact with eternity is in the present moment, but it is mediated by thought. It is a matter of attention.” This four-dimensional universe with linear temporality traps our minds from experiencing the full potential that can be harnessed through tapping into the universal energy, but throughout history those boundaries cosmically foisted upon us have been challenged through shamanism, entheogens, and spirituality in general. To quote Michael Talbot’s book Holographic Universe, “we are so thoroughly conditioned to believe that perceiving the future is not possible, our natural precognitive abilities have gone dormant. Like the superhuman strengths individuals display during life-threatening emergencies, they only spill over into our conscious minds during times of crisis – when someone near to us is about to die; when our children or some other loved one is in danger, and so on. That our “sophisticated” understanding of reality is responsible for our inability to both grasp and utilize the true nature of our relationship with time is evident in the fact that primitive cultures nearly always score better on ESP tests than so-called civilized cultures. Further evidence that we have relegated our innate precognitive abilities to the hinterlands of the unconscious can be found in the close association between premonitions and dreams. Studies show that from 60 to 68 percent of all precognitions occur during dreaming. We may have banished our ability to see the future from our conscious minds, but it is still very active in the deeper strata of our psyches.” (209)

Now we think of those in past eras as just stupid and bored from their lack of modern technology, and they only hallucinated and wrote religious tales to replace the forms of innovation valued post-industrialization. I posit this could not be less true, it is the rise and spread of modern education that has taught us to rid ourselves of our innate connection to the implicate order and awareness of the fluidity of reality.

I never really dream, either that or I’m never consciously aware of it. I suspect it’s from always having so many cannabinoids flowing through my brain putting me in too deep sleep to allow my conscious to travel to another reality. If there would have been precognitions in them, maybe it’s also because of my fear of the future and being too occupied with messes in the present to wonder what will come after. Instead I push my conscious to travel outside of this realm through entheogens, which is how I met god during a McKenna heroic dose of fungus. I traveled into a realm completely filled with moving and spiraling fractalized columns of light and waves of energy. I was taken on a tour throughout time and space, traveling between discombobulated and disjointed morphing spatiotemporal environments. Later I realized that I had been taken to the implicated realm from which all of this universe’s particles unfold out of, and some force was spinning me around and through this cosmic soup. I had been researching and studying all of this closely for many months beforehand but when I had everything that I supposed to be accurate about reality through holographic theory absolutely proven and validated just by eating a handful of things that had grown out of the ground in nature in my city, I became 100% certain of the validity in all of this. The amount of unfathomably unpredictable evidence that would be needed to safely and thoroughly disprove holographic theory makes it a practical impossibility, there’s so much otherwise unexplained that is resolved perfectly this way.

This also proves exactly why America has engaged in global psyops since Nixon to plant disinformation at the basis of societies about fabricated dangers of psychedelics and discourage its use through criminalization. The government has never actually been concerned about stopping people from taking drugs since everyone knows that is impossible to accomplish. The CIA has always been a fan of using acid when it can brainwash people and torture prisoners in more sadistic ways, and using cocaine when they can flood the streets of black communities with it, and creating cartels or black market trafficking ops when they achieve geopolitical results desired by the imperialist capitalist hegemony agenda.

Can you imagine what it would do to society if any adult could go to a mushroom dispensary and experience the same kind of reality-shattering and consciousness-expanding experience as I did whenever they wanted? I’ve read a lot of psilocybin trip reports and the majority of them include very similar things to what I experienced. They do not describe these phenomena holographically like I do, but I’m absolutely certain that it’s a universal experience that the same fungi allow anyone to travel to. It’s so tragic to me that most describe these as hallucinations, and the drugs as hallucinogens which of course restrains it as being unreal. But these alternate planes are much more real than our reality, and calling it a trip could not be more accurate as it is essentially traveling towards home, as in the origin of all of us and everything else. One’s consciousness, being energy waves in a different form than whats around it, exists in a spectrum between entirely localized in the brain and expanding radiating outwards to rejoin the cosmic energy. When low/mild doses of entheogens give one visuals that fill, surround and saturate the visual field, it is their consciousness beginning to expand outwards and begin moving towards the other end of the energy spectrum. Taking a large dose is more like god reaching a hand out of the sky and plucking their soul out of their body and tossing it out of this simulation. By god I don’t mean a singular or cohesive entity, but of the powerful forces manifested by the collective universal consciousness. We are subject to the supreme power of supernatural forces, but instead of a higher being it is the energy of all of us, all of us that have ever been and ever will. That’s why I use a lowercase g.

If these kind of spiritual awakenings happened on a massive scale, it would cause unheard of social unrest. Everything that holds up the capitalist order and necessitates global neoliberal capitalism would dissolve, so many people would become entirely different people, giving up hollow norms and starting to question the real purpose and meaning in what this life is. The rising of class consciousness and awareness of the cruelty manifested by capitalism, which only persists when it’s not questioned, will spell its certain demise. Nearly everything all of us are taught about how the world works is falsified and perpetuated by the minimally satisfactory life circumstances capitalism provides for most. When people are fed lies from birth, taught to be satisfied with a substandard life with the false hope that anyone can “succeed” in a free market (which is another fabrication), and discouraged from ever questioning why things are this way, that’s what allows cruelty to persist.

That’s why the most important thing for people to do is just QUESTION. Especially at a time when daring to ever question what our government says gets you immediately smeared as a puppet or useful idiot of some boogeyman. For most of my life I thought, as we’re all raised to, that communists are evil authoritarians and that it’s not something anyone takes seriously. But up until I shed my last trace of liberalism and beyond, I kept questioning everything and being skeptical, which led me on a path eventually ending at becoming a devout communist. Like many others I started being inspired about political change and social justice from Bernie’s campaign. During his speech at Safeco Field my volunteer job was to run up and down the line waiting outside before helping people, and the lines stretched block after block after block after block in every direction. And everyone was excited or cheering, that kind of mass enthusiasm about something so progressive made me genuinely optimistic about a radically improved future. Then I watched all of the rigging, interference and corruption by the democratic party and corporate media. I knew what was happening behind the scenes all along, but the wikileaks podesta emails of course proved it all. It was soon after that that my political involvement and aspirations were demolished when I was kidnapped during the DNC convention. For better or for worse I was not at all tuned into all the fuckery and media nonsense happening around late summer that year since obviously no internet in there. So after that I just kinda gave up on Bernie, started to move on and voted for Jill Stein. If only I had known I’d fallen victim to a disinformation campaign led by Putin to sow discord in the stable and perfectly equal American democracy!

I think I was one of the only people that was not at all surprised and completely indifferent on election night, going into it I knew there was a 50/50 chance and it could go either way dependent on a million unpredictable things. At least it was hilarious seeing the delusional liberal establishment having their hopes and fantasies of a continued neoliberal slow descent into corporate neofeudalism shattered. I honestly thought Trump was gonna get assassinated either before or soon after taking office, largely driven by my throwing up my hands and saying fuck it to any sense of an illusion of social stability. Yet at that point I suppose I didn’t fully understand the size, power and pervasiveness of the elites and the extent of their resources to which they protect their own and maintain control over what tragedies or shocking events are allowed to happen or unfold in different ways.

The very next day was the first time I ever heard the phrase fake news, and I immediately thought it was just something made up out of nowhere by the democrats to avoid blaming themselves for the loss. I was half right, it was a deliberate attempt by the clinton campaign to avert blame and feed into Russiagate, but what I also didn’t fully understand yet then was the pervasiveness of literal actual fake news in the entire news and media establishment. I mean Operation Mockingbird is real history and it never ended, the CIA has always controlled the media and had a hand in making everything pro-America and advantageous for the government’s agenda. Now there’s so many former intelligence directors as news “contributors” or “analysts” it’s never been more obvious. But since Russiagate has been such a successful psyop, liberals have revealed themselves as ultimately only wanting to serve the intelligence community and uphold capitalism. And such a huge portion of ex-intelligence spooks are running as democrats in the midterms this year, it’s absolutely insane! Talk about a slow coup of the supposed “left” in this country.

There is of course no actual leftist representation in the federal government as they’re diametrically opposed to each other. The actual political spectrum is between socialism/communism on the left and capitalism on the right, with social democrats in the center. Bernie is extremely radical compared to all of his peers but he is still a centrist, it’s just that this country has been constantly shifting rightward faster and faster pretty much throughout most of it’s history, so it allows liberals to pretend to be opposed to conservatives while actually not moving far enough to the left to actually be on a different side, this of course requires abandonment of any hope and admiration for capitalism which is something always taught to us as being of the utmost importance. Democrat president terms do not do anything to oppose this never ending move rightward, Carter, Clinton and Obama all did a ton to service and build up the military industrial complex, surveillance state, NATO aggression, and the tentacles of the secret mafia police known as the CIA. We’re now at the point of our society not being able to reach a consensus of opposition to Bloody Gina becoming its director, which would never be happening now if Obama ever bothered to do a single thing to punish the Bush torture regime. Does anyone even realize that since last February she’s been the fucking deputy director, the position right below, which Trump appointed her to without any need for confirmation, and no one in the media ever said a damn thing about it? Being the deputy director of an intelligence agency is clearly an important position, as McCabe was able to grift all these shitlibs out of more than half a million dollars over a lie about him being fired for being a liar. And even if Haspel had been kept away from any job with any amount of power this whole time, does anyone honestly think the CIA would avoid black ops torture programs without her? Yeah she is one of the biggest torture lovers around there, but would an agency that never hesitates to send out right wing extremist death squads to rape and pillage entire countries just as punishment for striving for independence from capitalist hegemony, ever hesitate to commit unthinkable atrocities if it’s even possibly remotely helpful for America, regardless of who’s directing the agency? The state of public discourse is so so so far behind anything remotely substantive and real that it’s hard to be anything but hopeless for the future, and that is absolutely a consequence of the neoliberal order which has dominated globally and continued to expand ever since the cold war.

The only hope for revolution, besides legalization of psychedelics, is capitalism’s built in self destruction. Anything always expanding, growing without regulation or concern for sustainability, zero concern for accountability and the wellbeing of the common man, will always be unsustainable and eventually crumble upon itself. As Lenin wrote in ‘Left-Wing’ Communism: An Infantile Disorder, “the fundamental law of revolution, which has been confirmed by all revolutions and especially by all three Russian revolutions in the twentieth century, is as follows: for a revolution to take place it is not enough for the exploited and oppressed masses to realise the impossibility of living in the old way, and demand changes; for a revolution to take place it is essential that the exploiters should not be able to live and rule in the old way. It is only when the ‘lower classes’ do not want to live in the wold way and the ‘upper classes’ cannot carry on in the old way that the revolution can triumph. Revolution is impossible without a nation-wide crisis (affecting both the exploited and exploiters). It follows that, for a revolution to take place, it is essential, first, that a majority of the workers (or at least a majority of the class-conscious, thinking and politically active workers) should fully realise that revolution is necessary, and that they should be prepared to die for it; second, that the ruling classes should be going through a government crisis, which draws even the most backward masses into politics, weakens the government, and makes it possible for the revolutionaries to rapidly overthrow it.”

I am gracious to have lived in the only area of the country, from what I understand, to have a socialist representing in local government – it is good that DSA members have been getting elected different places but I’m not counting them. But there’s still such massive problems facing Seattle brought by Amazon, such as hordes of rich liberals and neo nazis (less of a difference than most think) displacing so many families and making the prices of everything skyrocket, while stripping away the beautiful generations-old history of the city for lifeless, cold machinations of the corporate stranglehold smothering us all. And then when someone dares to request that that megacorp sucking the life out of everything around us pay some taxes so that the people that aren’t rich or white enough for a plush tech career might have a chance to find affordable housing, they all cry and moan about stifling the business community. It’s so toxic how the unending and unquestioned obsession with infinite growth is willingly upheld by capitalists, it’s absolutely untethered from the basic principles of reality. Not even talking about holograms and other realms, but how the laws of nature that we all know physically work on this planet. The “market” as an entity with agency is the biggest delusion of all within economics, stories like it’s invisible hand or that it always corrects itself are such obvious infantile fantasies. This unfortunately only becomes obvious when you lose motivation or ability to climb the ladders within capitalist structures, namely the poor and underprivileged and disadvantaged. These are things I only realized after being forced into long-term serious poverty and suffering from serious mental illnesses with zero support system or anyone anywhere with the ability or desire to actually help me. How could someone in my situation, having been through what I have, still be delusional enough to think that there’s hope for everyone and oppression is easily escapable? Having been exposed to the deep depths of cruelty life can throw you in, it freed me from having to make excuses for all of the suffering around the world. That’s one of the main cognitive dissonances ingrained into liberalism, awareness of how many people around the world are starving, in serious poverty, in a war torn country or exposed to natural disasters without aid, or victim of genocide or political violence, but all of that is so complicated and messy it’s easier to just focus on what affects you directly and pretend that all those people will find help eventually. The lie we’re all fed is that capitalism provides people with opportunity, but the reality is that on a large scale it robs people of opportunity, and whenever people try alternative systems aimed at providing for the common man, the CIA (Capitalist Insurgency Assholes) stops at nothing sabotage and suppress socialist movements through false flags, psyops, puppet dictators, agitprop, death squads and militias.

And of course business partner and close friend of the CIA being Bezos, who is undoubtedly feeding live audio streams of everyone with an IoT’s household conversations to Langley and/or Fort Meade. He has the fucking balls to say that the only responsible thing he can think to do with his billions upon billions in hoarded wealth grifted from the national taxpayer base is to burn it on fancy space fantasies for the ultra rich, but then halts expansion of new offices (as if destroying entire neighborhoods isn’t already enough) in order to feed the boot lickers eager to attack any taxes on businesses or the rich. They moan about taxes from the massive tax-cheating megacorp already crushing the city in order to support poor people is the worst thing ever, but how many of them know how many billions of taxpayer dollars the Pentagon has wasted and tossed away? How many people know that the money taken out of their paychecks goes to funding the worst genocide since WW2 in Yemen, the indiscriminate slaughter of Arabs in Gaza, and towards numerous Jihadist terrorist groups in Syria? I mean there’s been points in recent history where Pentagon-backed extremist militants were fighting CIA-backed extremist militants in Syria, money is being stolen from all of us without consent to fund the majority of the worst atrocities on the globe, we’re paying for Islamic terrorists to shoot each other with our guns. But how dare the evil socialists suggest that megacorporations that already evade all its taxes pay something to help the poor! And if anyone dares to say anything about this in public, then they must be a Putin puppet or Assad apologist.

So many people around here are so eager to brown-nose Bezos, who clearly has zero concern for the wellbeing of any of his workers or the communities he burns to the ground, I fear that in the coming decades, everyone will be mandated to live in cookie cutter Amazon micro-apartment buildings with mandated subcutaneous surveillance trackers. The tech workers and elites get the Prime luxury apartments, while the poor have to fight each other to the death for squatting rights in the dwindling number of tiny run down studios, and those are the only two classes. AI, AR, VR and robots will of course be taking over the vast majority of jobs in the near future, and as long as the means of production remain in the control of the elite, these new tech advancements will never ever even be considered to be put to use for solving mass poverty or ending wars or radical climate action or redistributing wealth, every hedge fund and investor will jump at the first opportunity to kick out all vulnerable and low wage workers and make shiny expensive fancy toys for corporate welfare queens. Because that’s the very purpose of capitalism, always make as much profit as possible and strive to eventually concentrate the entirety of global wealth in the hands of a few people. It’s not nearly enough to tax corporations like Amazon, there needs to be heads rolling in the street. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk need to be executed for their crimes against humanity along with the rest of their ilk, and all these corporate structures need to be forcefully dissolved entirely. There will never be hope of reversing how fast we’re spiraling into unfathomably unsustainable inequality, mass human rights violations and inescapable oppression, unless the bastards leading us down that road feel the pain that they inflict on millions and millions of innocent people. I hope that the Seattle Times cartoonist is a clairvoyant instead of just a whiny dipshit, most of the absurd right-wing cartoons fear-mongering about democrats and libs being communists that are taking radical action could not be less accurate now but I hope are prophetic of the future.

Some things I can’t publish while living without being slandered as a Russian troll – In the same way that Iran Contra, MK Ultra and the JFK assassination have gone down in history as the intelligence operations of a past era, this era will have Russiagate, White Helmets and false flag gas attacks, Skripal, and the assassinations of BLM leaders as the intelligence ops of the time. This is all obvious to anyone that reads the news closely without corporate filters and can see the patterns of how the CIA and FBI have always covertly operated domestically and globally since their inception, in collaboration with MI6 and the Mossad. The state of Israel needs to be destroyed entirely, it was a mistake in the first place, has always enforced worse apartheid than in South Africa, and is an inspiring ethnostate. And their state-sponsored troll farms and disinformation campaigns along with the most advanced intelligence capabilities aimed with the only purpose of destabilizing the middle east and maintaining perpetual chaos. People are fucking stupid enough to think that some non-government affiliated click farm in St Petersburg posting puppy memes on facebook actually damaged our “democracy” but are completely blind to how nearly everyone in our government begs and grovels for the opportunity to pander to Israel, who’s covertly influencing so many internet and media narratives. It’s not an anti-semetic thing, Bibi loves anti-semites and to enable them because that’s what serves the Israeli geopolitical agenda. And there’s no proof at all to that Russian influence and sowing discord bullshit, literally every single story is hollow with nothing to back it up. It’s easy to believe what’s shoved down your throat by mainstream media, but when you actually look at it, it’s clear that Guccifer 2.0 is a multi-level fraud, a fictional identity created by the Crowdstrike CEOs as the solution for the Clinton campaign panicking about wikileaks teasing email dumps. Unintentionally meta, it’s like a matroyshka doll. On the outside, he’s a lone wolf somewhere in Europe. Then you look at the first layer of planted metadata and forensic info which points towards Russia, and everyone in the media immediately jumps to it having to be a Putin agent who very poorly tried to appear as a lone wolf. But every single piece of evidence tying Guccifer 2 to Russia was so shoddily tacked on to the documents, while genuine data indicating that the data had to have been locally transferred and was modified on the American east coast, plus the public timeline of relevant events makes it obvious that it was impossible to have come from a foreign “hack” and someone on the east coast is very obviously trying to frame this as someone in Russia who’s poorly trying to appear as a lone wolf. As far as I can tell, the recent story about Guccifer having logged “real” Russian IPs in social media sites has no technical hard evidence to support that. So the FBI and the CIA should put their cards on the table and reveal precisely where and what these Russian IP logs are. That’s the start of a long road of allegations and fake news stories that need to be revisited and given real, no bullshit evidence to support.

Many years ago, in late middle and early high school I was in a band that played mostly Muse covers, they were my favorite back then but I haven’t listened to any rock at all for years until very recently. I’ve been revisiting Muse’s catalog and remembered a song titled “Thoughts of a Dying Atheist.” That moment struck me as Jungian given the circumstances, hearing it for the first time a couple weeks ago since long before ever becoming suicidal, in a period when I loved it only for the music. The chorus goes “it scares the hell out of me, and the end is all I can see.” I have always been an atheist being it’s how I was raised, even though I’ve long abandoned nihilism and the foolish idea that there’s no form of genuine spirituality. Back when I was a Muse fan, even though I was no where near needing to fear death I would have agreed with the words by and large, as death is not something we’re raised to appreciate or assess in this society. Yet now in revisiting I feel rather proud since I’m not scared of death at all. Through spiritual awakenings mostly since last summer I’ve completely made peace with transitioning out of this plane. Having found a method and time frame where I can pass immediately without pain all on my own time and terms, I’ve taken care of every concern on this end of the journey. I can’t know what it will be like on the other side, but I am absolutely certain that the energy of my conscious will be returned to the universal order. Thus, the thoughts of this dying atheist are that even though the end is all I can see, it excites the hell out of me. It is only a transformation, all that will end is the torture and agony that has been foisted upon me in this existence.

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” - Macbeth (5.5.19-28)

Recently I’ve gone to the beach, ridden ferries and sought out large pools often because there’s nothing more calming to me than the meditation of staring off into the water. As Mandelbrot and fractal patterns are found throughout math, science and much of nature, I see the waves in large bodies of water as fractal-like too. No matter how closely you focus your gaze or how far you stare out into the horizon, the patterns of the waves appear to repeat inside and outside of each other at all magnitudes of size along the surface. And I feel an incredible energy from it, how the waves can appear calm and tranquil on the surface but you know deeper down, the entire moving masses of water carry enormous weight and power. The waves exponentially repeat themselves in all directions with simultaneous grace and massive force, reconciling contradictions and entire spectrums, what could be more emblematic of the beauty of the laws of nature? When I ask myself where I go after I die, I say that’s where, the water. I doubt I would and wouldn’t want to be reincarnated as water, but as my brain shuts off and my soul becomes non-localized and free, its essence will return into the entirety of nature, and I have never been more certain of that than anything in my life. Pharrell got it right, no one ever really dies because energy is never created or destroyed, and whats in all of our minds are just localized variants of the same energy that makes everything else around us.

My final work can be found at scribd.com/document/378259892 or anonfile.com/86C0raeeb1, I’m pulling a Kafka and leaving it unfinished

Did I truly live life, or simply ride the sands as they tumbled through the hour glass? Holding on the fine moments is like grasping water – always there, yet always slipping away. Lusting for more than we need, leading to the greed of acquisition and the gluttony of position. A future that feels far but all too close. One that could be sublime if we didn’t fall behind in the times from our refinement of the mind, the state of my people is altered but my faith is completely unfaltered. I’m reaching up and reaching out, to go where no one’s been. Spiral out, keep going

[evolutionsvoid]

I honestly never imagined I would work for a private company, especially with my background. For the longest time I felt certain and secure in my position with the university, so sure that petty things like funding and grants would never dry up. Then one day they tell you that there is no room in the budget for you and that is that. After all those years of research and work, you are just kicked to the curb with nothing but a big fancy science degree that no one really cares about. Yes, having a PhD in genetics sounds wonderful in the world of academia, but out in the real world it just translates to "big know-it-all who costs more than some undergrad." I tried to get into other programs and universities, but their ships were already full. All the other smart science folk clinging to whatever life rafts they have, knowing that once that program sinks, they will drown just like me. What you get is just pity and half-hearted assurances of "well, if something opens up, we will let you know." It is either that, or some bozo telling you to go after a smaller position, that demanding things like health insurance and higher pay is foolish. "Just start small and work yourself back up," they say. "You can't expect someone to just take you in as some lab manager right off the bat. You got to work for that." If I was fresh out of college, yeah that may have been good advice, but when you have things like insurance, taxes and a mortgage, you can't exactly be accepting minimum wage.    So there I was, trying to find any form of work when I was contacted by this company called Gen-Core. I had heard about them before, but had never really put any thought into going into that line of work. They were a huge company that worked with genetics and technology that took advantage of that field. While they did produce some high-class equipment, they also had always seemed shady to me. They did good work, but their methods and morals always seemed questionable and profit-based. Working for them felt like the equivalent of working for Monsanto, just selling your soul to do some nasty CEO's bidding. But when you are faced with a mountain of bills and a quickly fading future, a devil's deal didn't seem so bad. So when they called me up that day, I listened. They wanted me to come in and work on a huge project of theirs. It was top secret, so they didn't give much in sakes of details, but they did list a nice fat number when it came to a salary. While the money was enough to make me drool, the mystery of the project also piqued my curiosity. The work would be done in a remote location, with housing provided at the lab itself. I would be flown in with a team of other scientists to work non-stop on this top-secret project. If all went well, we would be going home rich and famous. It honestly sounded like a line you would feed to a washed up actor, but I took the bait. Things were not going well for me here, so why not take the risk and give it a shot? If it turned out to be some cult or an organ-harvesting scam, then at least I wouldn't have to worry about bills again. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    While being brought into Gen-Core and this top-secret project seemed shady at first, I started to get excited as the process went along. Though there were many meetings and a forest's worth of paperwork, the mystery and secrecy started to make me feel like I was some kind of secret agent. Going through all these trainings and the constant talk of confidentiality made me fantasize that I was being brought in to study aliens and other science fiction nonsense. It seems silly to feel that way, but it was doing wonders for me. Only weeks before I had been depressed and wondering where everything went wrong, and now here I was being brought into some high-paying company for a tantalizingly mysterious project. When they told me that the facility was in South America, I should have been worried. Instead, I was further intrigued and even more determined to learn what was going on. If I backed out now, I would forever be wondering what they were doing there. So in the end, despite all the secrecy and forms, I shook hands with Gen-Core and prepared for my trip down south. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   When you do research in academia, you are constantly pinching pennies and keeping a close watch over your budget. So many corners are cut and so many projects are cored out to compensate for such things. In that line of work you sneer and turn your nose up at the scientists who sell themselves out to big Pharma and other money-grabbing companies. You talk about how they are contorting science to just make money, and you shake your head in shame when you see them flinging millions of dollars around like it was worthless confetti. When you start working for one of these rich, "corrupt" companies, though, your view changes quite a bit. Sitting in their company jet on a cozy flight to South America will make you start wishing such treatment never stopped. It certainly made me loath the idea of ever flying coach again! In a few hours, I would be touching down somewhere in Brazil, where I would meet with a driver who would take me to the facility. It would be a long drive to out in the middle of nowhere, and that would be the place I would call home for the next few months. That would also be where I finally meet the rest of the team, as they were being brought in from all over the world. Either this would be an amazing opportunity to work on some world-changing project, or I was going to wind up being one of those hostage scientists for a James Bond villain. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    When I finally got to see the facility, I was blown away. It looked almost exactly like one of those secret labs you would see in some spy movie or science fiction film. Tall barbed wire fences separating the facility from wild jungle and layers of gates and checkpoints that seemed to stop you every five feet. The building itself was a slab of concrete and metal, so armored and bulky that I was positive it was built to withstand a bunker buster. Unfortunately my brain compared it to a high-security prison, which you never wanted to think about when you called such a structure home. Right here was most definitely the point of no return. You couldn't exactly call it quits after seeing a place like this. I am sure I would probably get executed and my carcass thrown to the ants in the jungle. Not exactly happy thoughts to be having on your first day, but I was the one who got me wound up in this. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    At last I finally got to meet the team, and I have to say my spirits are up after seeing them. Though they were complete strangers, their interest in science and their devotion to their fields brought a lot of familiarity to the table. It's like meeting someone who has the same hobby as you, you may not know them, but you already have a lot to talk about and bond over. The rest of the team is: Dr. Kambel, who works primarily with gene sequencing; Dr. Haymond, who is a wiz when it comes to genetic engineering; Dr. Oswall, who focuses more on heredity and and the likes; and at last Dr. Taylor, whose work with genetics is mixed with the field of ornithology. Getting to talk with them was wonderful, as we all hit it off quite well. As we talked about our previous work, I recognized a lot of their projects and ideas from my academia days. Sharing stories about our research brought back a lot of good memories, and my worries from before seemed to fade. If these were the people I would be working with for the next couple of months, things were going to be just fine. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    This fantasy of being surrounded by best friends and helpful colleagues was unfortunately tainted when we met with the head of the facility. Jerry Conwel was the big boss of this place, and I could tell from the very start that he was going to be a major pain. First thing was the fact that he was clearly a business man, some CEO from Gen-Core who was brought down to run the show. Just to listen to him ramble about our backgrounds in genetics and whatnot made it painfully obvious that he knew next to nothing about the field. The way he talked about us and what we would be doing made him sound like a manager of a baseball team who never played the sport. Right off the bat I knew he would be the type of boss who would complain about the lack of progress despite having no clue how genetic engineering works.        We all received an earful from Jerry as he went over the history of Gen-Core and hyped up his own company for what seemed hours. Slide after slide of fancy looking buildings and cliche scientists holding colorful beakers, it was a joke. Everyone else was rolling their eyes or almost falling asleep. All of us had PhDs and papers published under our names, and Jerry felt the need to treat us like school children. At last, he got to the project we would be working on and we all sat up in our seats. He made a lot of hubbub about how we would be changing the world and making breakthroughs that would go down in history. At last, with great pride, he told us we would be bringing dinosaurs back to life. The room went silent, as we tried to figure out if he was joking or not. Dr. Haymond started laughing, as she was sure this was some kind of prank. Dr. Oswall wasn't too pleased with the news, as he thought this was some kind of insult to his work. To be dragged all the way here for some childish idea was ridiculous. It took a lot for Jerry to calm us down, and he tried to explain things to us. Gen-Core had recently obtained samples of dinosaur DNA and wanted to use it to bring them back to life. Such an achievement would bring world fame, as well as a boatload of money. Jerry went on about how people would go crazy for the chance to see real life dinosaurs, and such a thing would bring in an endless revenue that would finance future projects. Though he tried to make it sound noble and sciencey, I couldn't help but imagine that we were going to be making tourists traps. If we were even successful, what would come out would probably wind up at some zoo for kids to ogle and point at. Not exactly a noble goal. Regardless, we were being paid a generous amount of money to do this, and we were also kind of shackled to this project. The amount of paperwork we signed prior to getting here made it practically impossible to bail out now. If I quit and went home, they could probably arrest me the next time I farted under the claim that I had taken company resources from the cafeteria and tried to disseminate it amongst the public. So in the end, we all agreed to go forward, no matter how stupid it all sounded. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Jerry took us on a tour to show us the facility, and I think it helped win some of us over. The labs here are crammed packed with the best equipment and technology the world has to offer. I can't imagine any of us had the luxury to even have access to some of this stuff, let alone have full reign over it. There were so many labs and rooms that I am sure we could get lost in them for days. Amongst them were pens and rooms designed to hold animals and specimens, further showing how confident they were that we were going to be successful. Kambel had noticed that they had colonies of rabbits on hand, which he asked Jerry about. Jerry looked to us with a smile and told us that they were food for the raptors. So now we were bringing raptors back to life. Of course we were. We asked "why raptors" and he told us that "people don't care about things that eat grass."  The kids love raptors, which made it even more obvious that we were working to make exhibits for a zoo. So much for furthering science.    At the end of the day, Jerry laid out the plan for us. The five of us would be using this DNA to recreate raptors for the company. We had free use of the facility and anything we asked for would be given to us. Jerry would over see the whole project, keeping an eye on our progress and approving any and all decisions. That was unfortunately the one thing he made sure to beat into our heads. He was the boss, what he said was law. What made it infuriating was the fact that he still tried to act buddy-buddy with us. Going on like he was going to be a cool, laid back boss, despite the fact we all knew he was some corporate pawn. No doubt being placed as the head of such a project was going to give him a god complex. At least I have the others to talk to and rely on. Be it success or failure, I am still receiving a paycheck and surrounded by some brilliant minds. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Work on this crazy project just started, and already Jerry is being a pain in the neck. We have hardly had a chance to even glance at the samples and he is asking for a timetable. "How long will this take? When can I tell them to expect results?" He is acting like we are building a house, and he doesn't even know how to read the blueprints! We keep telling him it will take time and we will let him know, but I still catch glimpses of him haunting the halls and doorways. Thank goodness I have the others to talk to. Just one month alone with him would drive me crazy. It is probably a good thing for him that there is armed security around here, as it would keep me from strangling him. On that note, it is kind of unsettling that we have armed guards around here. Thankfully they are not hauling machine guns around, but still. It makes you wonder what they are worried about. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------     We succeeded in getting a good look at this raptor DNA sample and I have to say it is quite...odd. The strands are clearly degraded in certain parts and there is a whole slurry mixed in with it. Now, obviously, we should expect for centuries old DNA to be a little worn, but that isn't what is strange to us. There seems to be parts of the DNA and genetics that appear to have been tampered with. I know it isn't the right way to word it, but there are chunks that almost seem new. For what we thought was a raw sample, it doesn't quite fit. It is like hauling the chassis of an old car out of a scrapyard to find that it has brand new headlights. Did someone work on this before? Are we not the first ones who have been assigned to this project? If we are the second team, then what happened to the others? I am probably getting paranoid, but it is worrying. Those guards with guns seem even more frightening now. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Jerry is at it again, complaining about lack of results and progress. He keeps saying that we need to work faster and that we "should have had an egg by now." It blows my mind how ignorant and annoying he is. He acts like you can put dinosaur DNA into a chicken and have it pop out baby raptors like it was a vending machine. It's absurd. We are working as hard as we can, trying to reconstruct this sample with what we have and he is still ticked off. Like I predicted, this buddy-buddy thing is wearing off fast. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Parts of this sample don't make much sense, and we are hitting a roadblock because of it. Something about how it was preserved has added odd parts to the mix and we aren't sure how to proceed. Of course this gave Jerry a conniption and he demanded that we charge onward regardless. He keeps saying he wants a dinosaur, not excuses. We keep telling him it is delicate and slow work, but he won't hear of it. I am starting to wonder if this mysterious first team didn't just throw themselves off the top of the roof. Maybe that is why this building has so many shutters and locks. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Still doing our best to scrap together a viable sample and Jerry is throwing an ultimatum down. He wants us to attempt genome insertion within the month so that we have eggs to show to the corporate heads. Apparently the big wigs are getting restless and he wants something to impress them with. It is ridiculous. There is no way we can guarantee such a thing, but he is adamant about it. We told him that there is a huge chance something will go wrong and it will be a failure, but he doesn't care. He says he approves all shortcuts and work arounds, and that he will take the blame if something goes wrong. Yeah right.   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    We have worked nonstop for the last couple days, and we may have a chance of pulling this off. We looked at the tampered parts of the genome and got some ideas from it. Whoever had worked on this before had made some breakthroughs, and we have been able to patch some things together by observing their handiwork. Maybe this crazy scheme will work. Maybe. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    The samples have been injected and added, and now all we have to do is wait. Maybe an egg will come out of it, but most likely not. I know all of us are worried about what will happen when Jerry finds out that this test failed. Most people would take it in stride and say try again, but I know he won't. That jerk is so obsessed with pleasing his bosses and making a name for himself that he won't take any form of failure. Clearly this guy never worked in science before. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    I can't believe it. It worked. Four eggs survived the process and we have four honest-to-goodness eggs sitting in the incubators now. Everyone is thrilled, especially Jerry. He is already calling up people about our success, even though they haven't hatched yet. Haymond has tried to tell him to not get his hopes up, as the embryos could fail to develop but he can't be stopped. At least he is happy for now, maybe this will buy us some more time. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    They hatched. I can't believe they hatched. After all the crap we pulled, all the corners we cut and we still managed to birth four raptors. Everyone is so surprised, we hardly know what to do now. Never have I expected to pull something like this off. All of us are flabbergasted, except for Jerry. He has been talking pictures and videos non stop, sending it all to his higher ups. He has been boasting our success as loud as he can and I overheard him talking about "turning up production" like this is some kind of assembly line. Right now, I don't care. I just made a freaking dinosaur. I am going to need some time to recover from that.    One odd note is that the raptors came out featherless. I wonder if the original tampered DNA had anything to do with that. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    They are only a few weeks old and Jerry is already talking about making more. He wants us cranking out samples and pumping out eggs as fast as we can, even though we haven't had any time to test and observe the young ones. For all we know, they could drop dead tomorrow. Or they could have some defects or health issues, we have no clue! For Jerry, though, he doesn't care. They aren't animals, they are products. He has already mentioned starting to work on making T-Rexes, because of course that is the next step. I am already worried about how we are going to care for four previously-extinct carnivores and he wants to keep churning them out like Furbies.          The raptors seem to be itching themselves a lot. I wonder if something is wrong with the humidity or environment of their holding pens. We should check that out. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    The raptors have been growing quite rapidly, which we can't tell is normal or not. Its not like we can waltz down to a pet store and pick up a "How-to-Raise Raptors" book. The one thing we do know is that they seem to be sick. They are making wet coughing sounds and they have been leaking from all orifices. I sure hope we didn't bring these poor things to life just so they could die from the flu. Taylor has been asking Jerry if we could contact someone or bring someone in to check on these poor creatures but he refuses. This project is not only top secret, but it is his baby. He refuses to let anyone come in and spoil it. He just keeps telling us to fix them. It makes me sick. Taylor is pretty torn up about it. He hates seeing those things suffer.    They are still scratching themselves a lot. They have started to make themselves bleed from all the itching. It is probably from the disease. I hope we can find a way to cure them soon. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Something is horribly wrong. The raptors' growth has taken an abysmal turn, and we are not sure how or why. Their scales are falling off and their bodies are forming these terrible growths. I don't think it is a sickness anymore, there is something very wrong with their bodies. We must have screwed something up with the genome, we had to have. All those shortcuts must have overlooked some issue or failure, and now these poor things are suffering because of it. They are in constant pain and they make the most horrible screeching sound. Jerry's bragging and boastfulness is gone, and he is now in "blame everyone" mode. He keeps saying we screwed something up and that he thought we were the best in our field. We just yell back that he was the one who demanded things be done in a rush, but he won't hear of it. I wonder if his higher ups are tearing into him for this failure. Haymond has seen him pacing around on the observation deck, looking at the horrible things that are suffering because of him. The phone calls he takes are a lot less happy sounding and confident. He doesn't say much about it, but I think things are going to be changing around here. Maybe they will send someone competent, but that is probably a fool's dream. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    The mutation and growths have reached a horrible level. I can't even understand what is happening to them. Malformed limbs, warped mouths and disgusting hairy growths.  The entire time these things screech and hiss as their bodies bend and twist. None of us can stand to look at them anymore. It hurts just to hear them suffer. We made the mistake of asking Jerry if we could put them down and he lost his mind. Started screaming and yelling about how this was our fault and that we ruined everything. He refuses to terminate them, saying they are the one thing we have left. He has pretty much stripped us of all clearances and authority. We can't go near their pens anymore, as he is afraid we will kill them without his permission. "Sabotage" he calls it. The raptors are locked down by his command and we are only allowed in our labs so we can continue to try to fix our errors. Jerry stays in his office all day. I haven't even seen him eat or do anything else but mope at his desk. Every phone call he has to answer seems to drain him more and more. I would feel sorry for him if it wasn't for the four tortured creatures he forced us to make. If he ever gets the heart to put them out of their misery, than maybe I could find some sympathy for him. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Something has happened, but Jerry won't tell us what. He just came storming into our lab today and demanded we destroy the samples. All of them. We were floored by the demand. He refused to tell us why, he just started yelling at us to pretty much torch everything. The samples, our work, our data, all of it. Delete it, trash it or destroy it. He wants all of it gone. Taylor asked if that meant that the raptors would be put down but Jerry didn't even look at him. I feel sorry for Taylor, as he cares so much for those poor things. We can still hear their pained cries, and I know it is tearing him up every time he hears them. Jerry just walked away, leaving us to do his bidding. We have no clue what is going on. We are all worried about what is happening. If we are purging all this stuff, then what will happen to us? If we have nothing to work on, what use are we to these twisted company?   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Kambel figured it out, and now I know why Jerry is so freaked out. Kambel was going through the news today and found out that Gen-Core has just been pulled into this massive lawsuit. Some other company called InGen claims that Gen-Core has stolen research and materials from them, and from the sounds of it they have a very strong case. Tons of research and samples were apparently taken from their labs, and Gen-Core was the ones behind it. No doubt all this has been used to further their own research and projects. It makes me wonder how many "breakthroughs" and products that Gen-Core has boasted about are actually based on stolen research. All of us are terrified now, as this explains why Jerry was so adamant about destroying the samples. We were eliminating evidence. Those "tampered" DNA samples weren't from some previous team Gen-Core employed, they were stolen straight from InGen. If that is the case, then this whole place is coming down. Stealing something that valuable and rare from the company will no doubt guarantee that they come at us with everything they got. Haymond claims that we shouldn't be held responsible since we didn't know, but I am worried that one scrap of paperwork out of all the crap we signed will dump all the blame on us. Even if we are scot-free, are reputations are ruined. We will always be associated with this corrupt, thieving corporation. I never should have signed on for this, never. I got greedy and now I am stuck on this sinking ship with the rest of them. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    A helicopter just landed on the facility's grounds and that spells our doom. We heard from Jerry that an investigating team from InGen was coming to scour our facilities and prove the company's theft. I don't know what they will find after we destroyed everything, but I am sure they will come up with something. I have heard these folk are ruthless, and rightfully so. Gen-Core stole something incredibly valuable, so they are going to make sure we all burn for it. Jerry has practically barricaded himself in his office, terrified to face them. He has practically lost his mind these last couple of days. I think he finally realized that the company is not planning on saving him anytime soon. He was so sure that we would take all the blame that he didn't even think of the possibility of Gen-Core throwing him to the wolves. Poor sap. The rest of us have agreed to give these guys anything they ask for, hoping that they go easy on us. It is clear that Gen-Core has abandoned us, so why should we stick our necks out for them? If these guys tell us to strip down and do the hokey-pokey, I will do it in a heart beat. I will be as helpful as I can and do everything to show them that I am on their side. This wasn't my fault. I was just a scientist down on his luck. I didn't steal those samples, none of us did. We were tricked and we are more than happy to turn on Gen-Core and pay them back for this treachery. The investigating team just walked in, and I am ready to greet them with open arms. They don't look to happy, but then again, why should they? Jerry sure is going to get it no-    The alarms just went off and the building is going into lockdown. We have no clue what happened, but the security systems are on full blast. The shutters just came down and sealed all the doors and windows. It doesn't make any sense. What is going on? Did the InGen folk accidentally trip the alarm when walking in? It couldn't be, not with this level of lockdown. Only Jerry can control that sort of thing. Now that I think of it, he could do that from his office! But why? Was this some last ditch effort to delay the inevitable? If he was hoping to lock out the investigative team, he screwed up. They are locked in here with us! He has clearly lost his mind! Pulling a stunt like this is only going to make things worse for-    There was a gunshot, we all dropped to the floor. Everyone is hiding and ducking behind furniture, trying to figure out where the shooter is. I don't see anyone, not even the guards. Now that I have a moment to think, the gunshot didn't come from the lobby. It sounded muffled, and from down one of the halls. Like the hall where Jerry's office is. There hasn't been any other shooting, so I am starting to think the worst. Something is terribly wrong. I don't hear any more gunshots, just us cowering in our hiding spots. Wait, I do hear something. Something else in the halls. It's like a wet hissing sound, and the clicking of something on tile. Is it Jerry? Is it someone who got hit by the bullet? I have to see- no. Oh god no. No no no no no no no no. Oh god help us. Oh god no.   No No ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This has always been one of the scenarios I wish was played with Jurassic Park. I know it is far fetched and scientifically stupid, but I think it is a fun idea. I know I probably screwed up some of the science bits, but there is no way I am doing enough research to make this silly premise logically sound. I mean the serious, scientific parts of those movies have been thrown away long ago, so why not make some crazy fun out of it? They were already thinking of doing dino-human soldiers, so why not?  

[ryan-heart]

Addiction Connection.

For those out there suffering from addiction and attachment. What you're suffering from is not addiction or attachment issues. Looking in this direction will not treat your addiction yet it will keep the drug dealers - big pharma and corrupt governments - rich. What's the opposite of attachment??? The million dollar answer is disconnection. People poison themselves because they have become disconnected. And disconnection occurs from a reaction to trauma. Trauma when not released from the body will form an emotional blockage that will disconnect a person from their ability to feel their natural flow. This blockage will become toxic to their system, and cause them to seek other external ways of connecting to their emotions by using chemicals to produce a feel that mimics a good feeling in order to bypass the reality of the trauma that is killing them internally. The search for external "fixes" to the internal blockage will perpetuate and increase as the pressure builds up through their lives. Further on down the road of toxic behaviour such toxicity is labeled addiction and attachment. This is false and only further pressurises the person into self loathing. The answer is to let go of the trauma and allow the inner connections to reconnect so that the person can once again flow. AKA, heal. And to be completely open, I know this deeply as I have been a drug addict and an alcoholic and I am now completely healed from addiction and attachment. I have healed from addictions to: Cigarettes. Alcohol. Amphetamines-mainly speed. Marijuana. Caffeine. Sugar. And love. All of which were blocking my inner access to who I truly am and the gifts I have to share. I truly pray that this helps you to heal.