#i neglected to really bond with friends because i knew i can't handle to many people being close so i just foucused on her but now im

[infinitetrainss]

i guess it's good i had started to re-gain my zest for life and enjoying my life in my body before this happened lol

[cherieye]

So I'm writing this out to organize my thoughts. So limerence, a type of trauma bond that can be with anyone. It's Often with someone unavailable and where there is some kind of uncertainty within the relationship. With my last one it was with an online friend I had for years. What triggered it was that he contacted me responding to a story where I was talking about being sexually arrested by an Uber driver. He wanted me to stand up for myself and report.... And to majority of people, this might not sound like much, but my bar was so low...the simple fact that a guy cared for my safety caused my mind develope an attachment.

This friend often watched my insta stories, sometimes they would be the first person to see them...and I started to depend on it unknowingly for validation. I remember reaching out of the blue when I returned back to my parents and was in the midst of having a psychotic break, he was kind and allowed me to rant and the fact he stayed my friend after that...just made me put him on a pedestal and I was terrified of losing them. His insta handle underneath my stories felt like he was looking out for me in a way, or was a sense comfort that soon turned into an addiction. If I didn't see his handle underneath my stories, it felt exactly like withdrawals and my mood would drop into horrendous depression. I knew there was something wrong with me, I kept telling myself to stop valuing this person and putting my worth according to him noticing me and if he saw my stories or not...but unfortunately with addictions, you can't reason with chemicals.

It wasn't until last year I finally out of blue told him I was fond of him for many years and wasn't sure if I needed to cut contact or not.

He responded very kindly, but he was in a relationship and that for me was a sign I need to cut contact. It was very abrupt and I came off very self deprecating, mostly because I was in so much pain trying to face the reality that I was addicted to a human being and felt a lot of Shame for it.

I couldn't handle even having an Instagram anymore so I deactivated

I am finally feeling the detachment over many years, mostly because I gave myself closer coming back, tried reaching out and apologizing to him. I didn't receive a response, but I didn't need one, it was clear I had no place in this person's life anymore. This is the truth I honestly needed for the bond to finally start to fade. Facing the reality that I am not really anything to this person.

I want to be open about this, cuz it's hell. But attachments like this develop because of neglect and it's no one's fault. And choosing recovery is possible, it just takes discipline and putting yourself first.