#i needed a mental health day and slept alot

[cure-the-plague]

Day 16 - torture

@chaocardboard (totally not what happens to dark pit in the comic... totally)

[ctheathy]

hey! Could I request a Reader x secret history tails who fall asleep alot they could be sitting on the bench in a park and reader just falls asleep or at his work table and tails just hears a tiny bang on the table and he turns around and readers just asleep with drool on the table😭

Secret History Tails w/ sleepy!Darling

Secret History Tails x Reader

Fluff Headcanons

Short Concept

Author’s note : Hello, Nonnie//Anon!! Of course you may, thankies for requesting =} Once again, my apologies in case it’s somewhat shorter than the average post. I’m just kind of lacking creativity on what to say, but I tried making it as long as possible. Hope you enjoy💞🌷

SH Tails from TSAA was chosen again aswell, as I do believe people have gotten mostly attached to the more recent behaviour of his.

The two of you are already implied to be in a relationship to begin with <3

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

Insomnia mention • Pills offering

You already have to go through quite the draining sh1t by just dating this absolute menace of society. It’s always something new, hopping from one dimension to another, travelling through the multiverse itself, needing to blend in in some other universe’s reality; It’s ... Quite much for one single creature to handle to say the least, if not even too much. If anything, I can totally see the two tailed fox himself being rather restless when needing to go to bed for the night, and sometimes even failing to do so at all due to the paranoia getting to him. Because of this, your little habits of tiredness didn’t really surprise the mobian much, but this absolutely did not stop the fox from mentally freaking out over both your actual health and much less the idea of him being the cause behind all of it.

When the two of you are in a committed relationship, he becomes a fairly overprotective and worried lover over you and your wellbeing. He’s constantly checking up on you, questioning whenever you’re taking good care of yourself and making very well sure you keep up with your basic common needs for a healthy lifestyle. So when the thoughts drop in about him being the main cause behind your worn out presence, he is kind of an emotional wreck. He is literally close to ripping the fur from his Tails in a moment of unrestrained anxiety. It’s only when you gently hold his hands after preventing them from hurting himself in the pressure and quickly let him know that you just feel somewhat sleepy on a regular basis and just cannot help it at times that the tension has lessened slightly. He’s still worried about you feeling as tired as you do, however, the question whenever you’ve slept well the night beforehand always wiggling its way into the conversation or if it would perhaps be a better idea if you’d go right back to bed for the day instead.

He’d likely offer you pills for the night in his worry, confusing your state with something serious and damaging to you. You’re his precious beloved, he genuinely cares for your health and wants you to be okay on a daily basis, not just let it be ruined due to some poor sleeping habits. Though if you tell him you’re just fine laying on that--that hard and dirty table, he insists you use his tails as your own personal pillows, he can work just fine without them-!! If anything, the whole working thing may as well go to complete waste when it’s about you. He’ll pick you over his inventing each and every single time, just cancelling his plans for the day in order to sit down with your head in his lap, almost wrapping himself around your form completely and stroking your locks with love and care. Don’t even make me mention anybody who came by uninvited along those personal moments; he’s literally glaring daggers at them and sometimes even flipping them off outside of their view, the thought of them waking you up lingering in the back of his mind.

I can definitely picture him putting his work to the side to take daily naps with you aswell. He has quite the bad sleeping schedule for his own case, yet those have usually just fallen on dear ears. To himself, atleast. Please drag this little hypocrite to bed along with you. He’s one to literally force you to bed when the sleeping habits are shown enough of times, and although he’d refuse at first hand, I believe with a little bit of pushing you’d easily get him to lay right next to you. It’s not like the decision was that regrettable for his own self after a little while, anyways. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying himself in the spooning position, and the look of utter peace on his expressions honestly made it even a hundred times much more endearing than beforehand.

After a little while he calms down and starts to try accepting this demeanour as nothing more than normality. He tries letting out nothing more than a singular chuckle when he notices that you have fallen asleep in your chair once again. He does however, still tend to show concerns for your neck and any seeming uncomfortable positions in the process, but those again would easily be minimised by the softness of his tails laying right underneath you. And if anything, he’s honestly started to grow rather comforted by your sleepy nature, it giving him a sense of trust between the relationship and it seemingly having quite the positive effect on his own improved slumber rythm aswell; may that be through his calmed mindset when hugging you close when laying in his lap, or you simply just dragging him to bed right with you. Perhaps it’s not even all that bad to begin with after all,

Cause atleast now he has the capability of holding that lovely and soothing sleeping form of yours into his own arms

[zestyaahbutler]

So how would Amulya and Walter cuddle?

TW- mental health struggles, questionable dynamics

It depends on the time in their relationship. Their boundaries when it comes to what Walter sees/touches disappears after she has Integra. It's mostly due to her needing more help. He gets to experience the good but also the very bad.

I would say when they are servant/lady of the house it varies on whatever they're doing.

When Walter and Amulya are gardening together, by the end they're both fairly tired from all that they've done so they do take a brief momment of rest. There is a nook in the garden with a bench that's relatively covered and hidden. Amulya and Arthur have actually had numerous lunches there and it was one of the areas she felt most comfortable holding Integra in. The garden itself brought her alot of peace and helped keep her grounded. But her and Walter will rest there after getting their work done. She'll sit beside him and lean to rest her head on his shoulder.

I mentioned in another post that she does spend time with him in his office, especially before she had integra, she would go in there to sit near him. It was so she could be by someone and Walter was talkative even when working. He could multitask and when he wasn't able to, she was fine with sitting in silence. She did pull him to take more breaks throughout his day, they had tea together and even nap with one another. They cuddled on the couch in his office when this happened. Amulya laying on the couch with her back up against the channel back. Walter would lay in front of her. Her face would be stuffed in his chest or the crook of his neck. He'd be tortured by feeling her soft breaths brush up against his bare skin. It only reminded him of how close he was and yet so very far.

When Arthur was away at work during the late nights and Amulya was going through post partum, she would ask Walter to keep her company and he obliged regardless of how much work he had. This typically was him simply sitting by her while holding her hand as she slept. This meant he would take atleast a few short naps from giving into being so exhausted from his workday.

Speaking of, she had Walter or any nannies help hold Integra when she wasn't able to. This meant she would lean on Walter when interacting with Integra. She would occasionally joke that Teggy is going to call him dad before Arthur because of how much she sees him. Walter would simply become a little red at this but try and brush it off. He did think it was a little humorous but it would make him sad if it ever did happen like that.

In that one au I have where she lives long enough to see Arthur pass, her and Walter's relationship turns romantic. While they can't be completely open about it, he does get to sleep in the same bed as her. He wasn't able to do that really before and while is very pleased to do so, Ammy turns quite a bit in her sleep. He'd get kicked occasionally, blankets stolen, and or is woken up by her rolling around. She even has bits of sleep walking or talking when she is especially stressed.

Other pics that reminded me of them:

[90363462]

Megan Thee Stallion Gives A Teary-Eyed Performance Of ‘Anxiety’ During Her SNL Debut

Shannon Dawson

Source: Araya Doheny / Getty

Megan Thee Stallion performed double duties on Oct. 15 during her long awaited Saturday Night Live debut. To kick things off, the Grammy-award-winning rapper opened up with a funny monologue where she talked about her passion for acting and some of the challenges she endured juggling her busy rap career with school.

“Finishing college while pursuing a rap career is not easy, and I did that while putting out song after song and going on a world tour,” Megan told the audience, before she joked, “So now I can go by another name: Megan Thee Bitch That Needs Some Sleep.”

The 27-year-old star also promoted her mental health resource website, “Bad Bitches Have Bad Days Too,” which she launched last month. The comprehensive site features a list of free therapy organizations as well as links to the national crisis hotline and the suicide and crisis lifeline.

Megan tears up during her performance of “Anxiety”

After dominating a few skits on the show, things got a little emotional for Meg during her performance of “Anxiety.” As she began to rap the second verse of the moving song, the Houston femcee held back tears when she referenced the loss of her mother, Holly Thomas, who passed away in 2019 after a difficult battle with brain cancer.

When the teary performance ended, fans on Twitter showered the star with praise for standing tall in the face of adversity.

“Megan Thee Stallion holding back tears performing “Anxiety” on #SNL when the lyrics about her mom hit. Yes I’m crying,” wrote music writer Kate Killet.

While another stan wrote:

“Watching @theestallion trying to hold it together during her SNL performance of “anxiety” made me want to cry too. I know she’s going thru alot and I totally feel her to the core of my soul. We love you Megan thee stallion!!”

Megan Thee Stallion’s home was broken into days before her SNL debut

Sadly, Meg’s highly anticipated SNLappearance came just days after her home was broken into. According to TMZ, the suspects, who are still at large, made off with more than $300,000 worth of jewelry and personal items of the rapper’s. After the incident made headlines, Megan took to Twitter to let fans know that she was “safe.”

In a separate post, the rapper also tweeted that she would be taking a “break” after her SNL appearance.

“I’m so tired, physically and emotionally.”

MADAMENOIRE is rooting for Meg during this difficult time.

RELATED CONTENT: The Hotties Slam DaBaby After He Alleges He Slept With Megan Thee Stallion On New Song ‘Boogeyman”

[anemcia]

Can I talk to you? Can I at least ask why you never bothered to talk to me when everything went down? I was under the impression you two didn't even like each other. How long was that stuff even going on behind the scenes before she decided to do her public backstabbing or execution or whatever you want to call it? I deserve answers and Kona has always been too cowardly to ever answer unless she received some manner of benefit from it. Frankly I don't want to hear from her either. I just want to know what happened for myself. What happened on my end as far as I knew it was I told her ahead of time I needed her on a certain day but she was mad I told her I was hanging out with someone other than her for once during that week or so, so on the day I needed her she made sure she wasent available and laughed at me on the phone so I cussed her out. And then she got tilted and I apologized because I thought she was genuinely hurt but that wasent the case. She knows my greatest fear is being ignored. My fiance of 4 years left me that way. He just ghosted me. so that's what she did. Kona invaded every part of my life at this point and I thought we were best friends. I had no idea it was all just some kind of game to her or something. 14 days she left me in silence and anything I tried to do to appease including keeping distance meant nothing so for my own mental health I told her I was going to be done with her because I couldn't. Then like 20 minutes later she added me on my phone or discord or whatever and talked to me like nothing happened. And then I told her she owed me a call after literally torturing me for two weeks. And we talked and she gaslit me the whole time saying I was permitted to be in her life but I wasent a priority because she already replaced me. Which broke my heart so I told her we need to do it later because I was crying on the phone and she was Patrick batemaning me. And then I tried to talk on discord and she just said nothing forever and I've known her for a long while I know her routines she was on for hours. My mental health couldn't take it so I blocked herm since she can do it so can I right? Then she pulled that Tumblr thing which I guess was what she wanted all along because she fucking broke me and gave me a mental breakdown and I was hospitalized for a couple days. You don't get over betrayal like that very easy obviously. I still don't know what she means by provides since she told me she basically just waits for me to call her every day or talk to her because she had no one else. 90 percent of my day was dedicated to calling her which was a hassle and then it went from it being something she wanted from me to being our normal thing to something she held over my head. There were worse things than that I don't know I should talk about right now but I'd say the whole end game was one of the worst experiences of my life. I slept in a closet. I didn't eat. I didn't shower or work. I was force fed. All I did was cry every day. And she just laughed at me. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I can't imagine what kinds of things that monster said about me. I feel kind of betrayed by you too because I thought we were friends. I thought you didn't even like her. She openly told me she didn't even like you several times. And then that it's was just. Alot. It's still alot. I don't understand why none bothered to talk to me. Why you didn't.

Whew, that was a lot to take in. Clearly this was written in one single take, but I’ll break this down in hopes you and everyone else can better understand what was just sent to me. After all, you’ve probably told a lot of people the same spiel. Let’s pick this apart, starting with the very first thing I noticed.

“I was under the impression you two didn't even like each other.” and at the end “She openly told me she didn’t even like you.”

Not sure where you could have gotten the impression that neither of us liked each other, because that was never the case. Even if you did, there is a major difference between having petty grievances versus actually disliking one another. If she or I had mentioned something offhand to you, the venting was minor and more of an annoyance we shared. It wasn’t deep enough to afflict our relationship. Especially not after a little over a year since something like that happened. To me, this just comes off as a weak attempt to stir the pot with my own situation. As if I would begin to badger her (or anyone) over why they don’t like me personally. In my experience on this hellsite, I’ve learned not to care about people and will drop contact for significantly lesser reasons.

I make it no secret that I’m here to RP for my own amusement and actively avoid making friendships deeper than surface level fandom bullshit. For the rare few like Kona, I made that exception with time and effort. You and I, however, never had anything outside of writing Honeydew or Zamasu gore/torture porn. Arguably, you used ME as a vessel for those threads and saved any would-be aftercare shipping with her, but that's small potatoes by comparison. I admit I indulged you in it too, but at the very least I always left that door open for any other thread opportunities. I stopped caring the second I realised you were only ever interested in writing with Kona. She even did it to me too and I wasn’t going to waste my breath chasing you both down.

So If you’re wondering why I dropped you with no fanfare, it’s because we didn’t have much to speak about and I’m too old for schoolyard arguments. I’m married and I have a 3 month old son. I take no pride in what I have to do today, but I’m doing this to clear the air. Speaking of which.

You’ve been awfully busy spinning that narrative for the last few months, haven’t you? With the occasional nasty message left in Kona’s inbox to be painfully digested. So convinced that she was, in fact, the master manipulator of your whole personal situation. I fully admit that I cannot confirm or deny what has happened between y'all between IRL closed doors, but I will say with full confidence that Kona is not the monster you continually paint her as. I’ve known her as long as I’ve been part of the DBRPC, had hours long conversations and have listened to her interact with others. If anything, she is guilty of caring TOO MUCH about people. I have more than enough witnesses to confirm this as fact. Patrick fucking Bateman? Get OUT of here with that.

The way you’re pointing the finger, “She knows my greatest fear is being ignored”, while turning around and suggesting she couldn’t leave you alone? All you did was beg for her time when she gave you everything she had. Kona has a big heart and she poured all her compassion into taking you into her home and talked to you. Actually, all she ever did was talk to you, Danna. She did it because she cared about your wellbeing. You took advantage of her kindness by demanding her time to the point where she HAD to place that barrier between yourselves.

No one, not even Kona, owes you a single second of their time. She doesn’t owe you anything and neither do I. We’ve all played nice, have given and received gifts, but that means absolutely nothing in the end. You have proven yourself to be a pathological liar on multiple occasions and this post alone leaves many holes in your story. You can’t claim to both absolutely demand her time and want to push her away for being too clingy, not for the crime you’ve been pinning on her. I was there when all of this was going down and I know when something doesn’t add up.

Let’s be honest: At one point, you two were close. You did everything together. To those who were there, we all saw this. Eventually, things went from good to bad to turbulent. Neither of you are completely innocent in this, I’m certain of that. Sure. We’re not perfect. But between the two of you, Danna? You absolutely took things too far. What should have been a closed book was constantly re-opened to fester your anger and regrets, pouring them into long-winded rants. I’ve been down this road, I know how it is when friendships end. It’s frustrating and it leaves you without closure. Yet, you cannot keep returning to send these messages like it will change anything. All you’ve done is make a fool of yourself.

You’re not going to stop her from RPing in this community, you’re not going to stop me. Neither of us are going to stop you. By all means, continue to keep your presence here and play with whomever you choose. However, I will suggest in good faith that you should seek a therapist. I was angry at first, but now I fully realize that you are your own worst enemy. What you’ve done to yourself isn’t healthy nor is it right to ignore. Instead of hounding us for our time, make things right with your own heart and heal peacefully. This is the last time I’ll be answering any messages from you, Danna. Even if you are thirsty for more, I won’t entertain it. I want this post to serve as the wake-up call you need to stop your self destructive aggressive behaviour.

Get better soon. I mean this with the upmost sincerity.

[no-no-no-ahhhh]

Today's studyblr

So the day before yesterday I woke up at 3 and did school work, then I had essay that night due in the morning so I stayed up all night and slept in I manage to do all my classes other then math. Hopefully I will be able to do alot of math work tomorrow. Bc I'm really behind

I also had bad mental health during all this so go to sleep pls

Also I promise if I wake up at 3 again I will drink tea and go back to sleep so don't be too worried about my health

Anyways does anyone else have to have something cute on the desk while studying bc I can't do this shit without my desk looking cute or having a brevage. I need something to sooth my need to punch all my work lol.

[confessions-of-a-blogger]

Karma, or bollocks?

I wanted to write what's happened in my life for a while, well, my adult life. I find writing very therapeutic and something I have enjoyed doing since I was 13, so 16 years now.

I haven't found the need too, but now, I do.

It's going to paint myself in a bad light, or a good light, you can judge I am fine with that, I have lived with these choices for a long time, some more recently fair to say.

In the words of Nickelback 'Something's gotta go wrong cos I'm feeling way too damn good'

I always say out of every negative, and there can be alot, there is a least one positive. I hope by the end of this, I find that positive.

So the beginning, kind of. October 2012.

I was with a girl, but went to America for a month with my best friend at the time. He used to live there and I came into a bit of money, always wanted to go to the states, and had the most wonderful month.

About 2 weeks in I got a scent that something was happening between my partner and someone else, and I was right. I snooped on her Facebook inboxes, and found she had been talking to a girl, more than talking really, flirting, saying she wish she could be with her, the usual jazz. Which, I had done myself previously, and I deserved it to happen to me. I jumped from relationship to relationship for years, my therapist said it was because I didn't feel loved by my mum after years of abuse, I always went from woman to woman to find the love, and I agreed.

When I came back, I was expecting to break up with her, but I was about to look after my friends dog in his flat for an unknown period of time, and she had told her mum this, so her mum kicked her out.

With nowhere to live, I felt like it was now my responsibility, so we spoke and worked on things.

A few months down the line, she fell pregnant, and I was over the moon. I always wanted the family life, even after the red flag, but unfortunately she miscarried.

Then things changed slightly. Controlling behaviour, both our heads in the wrong places, still trying to hold a relationship together, and of course still sleeping together, and she fell pregnant, again.

This time I was at fault, I didn't wanna be with her, and I figured she was going through my phone, so I left her things to find so we could break up.

Then I felt horrible. I left my pregnant partner. Regardless of if I wanted to be with them, I should not of done that, at that time, so we got back together, and she miscarried, again.

2 back to back nearly killed us both off. So I made it clear I didn't want to try again and she went onto the pill.

Which she then stopped taking, and on her highest ovulation day she got me drunk, we fucked, and she fell pregnant a third time.

Not wanting to make the same mistake, I stayed. For a while. The thought that someone just went behind my back to get pregnant after I made it clear I couldn't cope with another miscarriage brewed. I had already struggled with mental health from the years of abuse by my mum, I didn't want to go through a third and come out alot worse.

We got to 12 weeks, and everything was okay with baby, but I knew I needed out. It was a massive betrayal of trust, and I could no longer trust her.

Her birthday came up, then Christmas and New year, so I didn't act on this, I didn't want to cause more stress and miscarry again.

In Jan 2014, after a month of just basically both of us talking to other people, I ended it, and a month later I was with someone else. Needless to say, it wasnt a good thing. I felt like I was being blackmailed by my ex to do all these things just so I could see my unborn. I always wanted children, and said I would do anything to see them as often as possible.

In May that child was born, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The blackmail continued and in August it all came out that I had been essentially having an affair, not that I wanted it, and that caused strain on my relationship at the time. I was wrong, very very wrong to do what I did, and should of stood my ground, but maybe the rest of this story will show you how hard that would of been.

Things were hard, I was being stopped from seeing my child as often as I liked, and it was a case of 'can you have her tomorrow' always at short notice, and always having to juggle work around that. When I couldn't change shifts at short notice, things got worse. Arguing on her side, emotional abuse, the works. Child as a weapon.

After a few months, I would say February 2015, contact turned very very minimal.

In March, my partner cheated on me twice, with the same person, but I loved her and accepted that as she accepted my actions the year before. And we moved passed it, even if it was on the anniversary of my mum's death.

A few more months down the line, the contact with my child stopped completely, and over the years no matter how hard I tried, for a while, I got nowhere.

My partner cheated on me a further 3 times, and in 2016 she left me for someone else. 7 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.

She told me she hadn't slept with the guy the first 2 weeks but she was 7 weeks pregnant. So we got back together. I was dating someone, someone I wanted to date for a while, but felt this was the right thing to do. If I had one chance to make it work I had to take it. I didn't miss an appointment, and I only just missed the birth. Then we did the DNA, and in the best Jeremey Kyle moment of all time, she told me she wanted a family with me regardless of the result, we would be a family and a day later, the DNA test showed that I was not the father.

I was okay for a few weeks, but I couldn't live with looking at a child that should be mine all the time whilst not being alllowed to see my own, once I said that, she left.

Then out of nowhere, my ex rings me, and I see my eldest for a while, a month or 2, before she got back with her fella and the contact stopped, again.

Then I lost my job, and had nothing. Time to rebuild, whilst being off sick for 3 years.

In that time I met someone, they were super nice and we had good times, but truthfully, I was still hung up on my ex for 2 years, and then I chose to settle. I hadn't had nice before, things were good. I thought I would finally grow to love her, and I did to some aspect, but I never fell in love.

Then one day, in February 2020, I walk into a shop and there she was. The person all these soppy love quotes are about, the person I dreamed of meeting since I was teenager, stood before my very eyes. At that point I knew I had to break up with my partner. If you look at someone else then you should not stay with the person you are with. I went in a further 3 times and every time all I could think was wow.

Then lockdown happened, and well, signs were there that my partner was pregnant. When lockdown ended in the summer, she came to mine, and low and behold, she was. 23 weeks pregnant.

We had one week to decide and we booked everything for an abortion, but, I was born at 24 weeks, so we both opted against it.

In September, I applied for a job at where the girl I always wanted to be with/find, and got it. At the same time, my partner gave birth.

I pushed my feelings to one side. They only grow when I think someone might be interested and that certainly wasn't the case. I now had a family to provide for, and that family life I always wanted with a nice, lovely, good looking girl, plus, the girl I liked and her bf both worked there, and I got on with both of them, so my feelings kind of disappeared to the back of my mind.

Then the job was made permanent, at a time when my relationship was failing, and over the course of a few months, things creeped in that made me unhappy, and I was so pissed off with myself that I just settled knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Stupid me, everything I wanted and got turned to dust, I thought being with someone nice meant that I would get the happy ending and a family life, but life doesn't work out like that.

But fate has its way sometimes. I had found my dream girl, I got the job, it was permanent, and out of all the people I worked with it was her I went to for advice, and it appeared we had similar thoughts, but also, we were both unhappy in our relationships to some extent, and I just got contact with my eldest again, for a while at least.

Then something amazing happened. She flirted. I couldn't believe it either, and then we became good friends, that helped each other out.

I spoke to my partner, told her I was unhappy, and we tried to work on it, but it got worse and my mind was made up. So I pretty much made it clear to the girl I worked with I liked her. I told her she was my type, and she seemed interested if i was gonna break up with my partner, and I was. Then I reacted to some pictures of her on her insta story, where she looked absolutely out of this world, and then suddenly we knew we had to break up with our partners.

She wanted to call a break but fate had its way again and they actually called things off, and so did I. Not to get with each other, but because we knew we were unhappy whilst being made happy by someone else. We had both checked out our relationship a while back, I guess we just forced each others hand.

Its not been a month, and I am crazy in love, but we aren't together, as much as I want that. We are taking things slow in terms of commitment and I am okay with that. I never thought I'd get this far. I only imagined we would go out on a works Christmas do or something and I might slide it in there how I feel, so the fact this all happened has been crazy.

Talking everyday, seeing each other often, and our first proper date coming up, and I am really living the dream.

But now, I haven't seen my eldest in months, and when I asked, she is 'too busy,' imagine if I said that.

Now I just get ignored often by both, and whilst I have had the month of my life, the bad is happening.

I'm now worrying its going to be 2 children I don't see, and that really would be karma for all the hurt I caused.

But at least I have you, my light in the dark times, you really really make me happy, and I have never felt like this before. Thank you for being there, and making me feel on top of the world.

Just to be shot back down by 2 people, ignoring, and making life difficult.

So is this karma, or is it bollocks.

[sacredslaycdd]

So apparently this needs to be said; so let this be a note to anyone who is waiting for replies and anyone who’s followed me and i have not yet interacted with.

As per my pinned post, I am currently staying with a friend and revising for exams next week. My stress levels and anxiety levels are at an all time high and i’m pretty sure I stated I was mostly going to be interacting with mutuals whom I write with back and forth frequently because that is where my comfort levels are at? Honestly i’ve been here more than I probably should or planned to be because my concentration span is shit and also because i’ve been so physically drained some days i slept in until like 2pm and was still falling asleep while trying to do revision so i’ve been trying to allow myself to spend time doing things I enjoy so when I do revision it’s not such a chore. (  I’ve also been making a solid effort to try and contact people who have followed me even if i drop off the face of the earth in inbox at times for a while  )

My muse has also been wildly up and down and I don’t always have the mental capacity to talk to new people; let alone plot. I haven’t plotted with anyone new since I made that pinnned post because 90% of my energy has been spent on revising and trying to pass my exams.I don’t think it’s asking alot for people to have a little patience. It’s not like everyone hasn’t been kept in the loop. I’m very open about my mental health, i’ve been very open about the fact I have exams coming up and if you think i’m bad NOW, wait until I start placement in april and i’m going from zoom lectures at home to working roughly 40 hour weeks. See how much i’m around then. 

ANYWAY this was a whole ass rant and I apologise I just- cannot believe people feel so entitled to other people’s time they block or bitch when they don’t get it, like???? dude, this is supposed to be a hobby and be fun?? But THANKYOU to those of you who are actually patient and you all know that the same courtesy is extended to you, you can take as long as you need to reply, be it messages, replies or starters. I am NOT entitled to your time, just like you’re not entitled to mine. 

[mctherofdragons]

i am posting this so others know they’re not alone - and that LIFE GETS BETTER. i want to be more open about my story because it might inspire others and i also want to be open with you all about how the next month or so, my writing might be sporadic as i navigate my emotions (probably not though, tumblr has been great for my mental health thus far honestly). but i’m putting it under a read more so no one will be subject to being triggered by the content. 

tw: suicide, cutting, inpatient hospitalization, mental health

as many of you know, about a week ago i posted about how this time of year is difficult for me. that’s because 4 years ago, coming up here in about a week, i tried to end my life via overdose. thankfully, my friend who found me took me to the emergency room immediately.  i signed away my rights for a minimum of 72 hours, was strapped down into an ambulance, and transported to a behavioral hospital. i  was completely separated from my family and friends. i had no access to my phone or the internet; i wasn’t allowed to use a razor without two nurses standing by me at all times; when my food would be taken up to my room, i could only eat with a spoon because my tray was labeled “self harm risk”. i had been suffering silently for 8 years with mental illness and self harm. no one knew. i was the “life of the party”/perfect sorority girl. 

i slept alot, and i cried every night. i stayed longer than 72 hours (6 days) because i kept indicating i would follow through on my plans. the days all sort of blend together as i look back, probably due to my meds. 

but now it’s 4 years later, and i have a master’s degree and by the way, i’m a therapist myself now. i’m good about taking my meds, i regularly attend my own therapy, i absolutely ADORE life and i am grateful that i didn’t die that night. i’m thankful for the friends who stuck around after my hospitalization, too. 

but there are some days the depression, anxiety, and guilt seep into my mind. and you know what, it’s ok to not me 100% all the time. 

here’s why i’m sharing this: it’s okay to not be okay. it’s okay to be sad. it’s even okay to need to go to the hospital until you’re better. it’s okay to take medication. it’s okay to cry. it’s okay to feel like you’re fucked up. it’s okay to have a persistent and serious mental illness. 

YOU ARE VALUABLE AND LOVED AND PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE. 

I WANT YOU TO BE ALIVE? Do you get that? YOU ARE NEEDED HERE. 

if i had succeeded, i wouldn’t be helping others now. i wouldn’t have made some cool friends on here. i wouldn’t be writing stories and sharing them with you all. i wouldn’t have the most adorable adopted cat and the coolest roommate. 

my advice? go to therapy, talk to your friends, eat your veggies, drink lots of water, get lots of sleep, change into clean clothes, call a hotline/text a hotline, watch your favorite film, set firm boundaries (’no’ is a complete sentence), use trigger warnings if you need to on tumblr, block certain tags, shut off the news. 

i love you. i really do, and you are going to be alright. 

signed, 

the girl who lived :,) 

[pinktatertots99]

...so...is it too late for me to re-make the almost entirety of candy into my own self indulgent bullshit? dont try to make sense of some these pics some are either old ideas or me bullshitting cause my mind runs a bajillion miles per hour and made an alt idea: tootsie-verse where shit might make slightly more sense and i get to have fun with ideas i didnt get to see be possible.

so far plot so far ala everything:

-once the gang ended up at the 5-000+ yrs of earth c the original method WV had established had changed during that long time, with kingdoms being a revived concept, allie-ships between them broken or re-mad, laws of a firm unfairness and a seat for mayoresident of the earth kingdom needing a new canidate

-after dropping there catav had taken the currently refridgerated gamzee to the woods to help sober him up after everything, handing the corpse’s that were still in there to kanaya after she’d found the newly hatched mothergrub was low on material needed to activate it as the troll kingdom was on a rather firm law on how much to give making it difficult to get a full load.

-six years later -23 for everyone- things were in motion with everyone having some form of jobs as jane elected to work on becoming the new mayoresident of the human kingdom and fix these tightass laws, while conflicting with her past trauma, hiding it and trying not to show how fearful she has been lately over the highbloods -mostly the seadwellers-

-during this time the newest clutches of grubs were born, a handful being clones of past troll friends and allies as many came to celebrate with june -at the time not knowing her identity yet- finding the clone of vriska and casually wanting to adopt her, wanting her to live the human life she wanted before. of course the only way around this was adopting her via the consort kingdom's laws being much looser for trolls.

-also during this time a strange occurance involving another world’s meteor and child had crash landed in the marylonde backyard of their human kingdom two story vacation home, a child of both their genetics but more human dominant was there. both deciding it safe to adopt him but keeping the troll portions hidden once getting him schooled later on as the school’s there were the education they wanted him to have. having roxy help them with their aliby, using their carapacion ruler power to write up a fake adoption paper for him.

-also also during this time gamzee had made his return as catav’s new moirail and three sweeps sober, of course not everyone had a big ‘hoorah’ party for him, but it gained jane’s attention whose mental health was still going downhill aswell as what she’s heard of her other alt selves in the dream bubbles, and how well his jape’s and pranks were, causing a one sided kismesis.

-a year later-24 yr old- jane had become the new mayoresident of the earth kingdom, making new laws for human, consort and carapacion kingdoms...the trolls kingdom...she said was taking a while. during this time she, jake and dirk had talked over and compromised of letting her and jake be shared parents for an ecto-bio child due to jane’s wanting to be a mother, with shared custody for both parties.

-a year -25 yr period-after that the troll kingdoms rulers were getting impatient as jane had put them aside to continue her work, making up explanations for putting off getting their laws worked out. during this time ecto-bio-lab leader and work partner for skaianet labs jade harley had decided once ready all three pitched in their DNA, using her boss status to use the ecto-bio machinery to create their daughter. unfortunately she wasnt sneaky enough, being confronted by both english and crocker over this earth kingdom rule breaking, in the end forcing the three to keep their daughter’s existance to a minimal and for jade to be fired.

-during this time jane’s one sided kismesis became equal after a visit that involved catav and jake hanging out jane had left some soporifics around the clown, causing him to fall off the wagon hard after that. during the couple months back on his addiction catav was semi-convinced by kar to distance himself from their quadrant as it was draining him physically and mentally -which was semi right, but also was just cause kar was beyond pissed at gamz as no one at the time knew it was jane’s doing...except one-

-once falling the pieces together dirk had interrogated his friend for how she’s been acting the past eight years, things turning more heated then they should’ve as they sparred, ending in a slashed neck and an anxietic crocker unable to revive him out of fear of he and all her friends leaving her sneakily sewing up the slashed portion and sneaking to the furthest portion of his archeological bro’s forest trees with a rope wrapped around his neck.

-after a month a search party was made to find him lead by said cool archeological bro, only to be found a month later decomposed and munched on by outdoor critters. a funeral was set the next day. 

-the day after as caliope slept her alt-iope self had brought her and another universe version of her to her circle for help as her other version’s universe’s english was alive, traveling through space destroying everything in his path. aradia had busily made a small meteor team to help but alt needed a host body to warn the others and to join the meteor team, as the one version was used as a mouthpiece for her world’s gang, tootsie-calie and her wings were used to fly to space to join the others leaving a mourning roxy to fall off the wagon at two lost friends.

-a week later english fell off his first wagon, ushering jane to have full custody of their ecto-son, giving up his reign of the consort kingdom to june who stepped down as human kingdom’s ruler to take the consort kingdom job very seriously. after roxy had also dropped her crown to live with jane who offered to help her, despite how unfortunately unable she’d be at it keeping soporifics for gamzee. leaving the carapacion kingdom with the marylonde’s working overtime to keep it in check.

-ten years later the troll kingdom’s rulers have finally become impatient, interrogating crocker to confirm to them and herself her castest views on the highbloods, linking them as the reason she gave the troll kingdom no progress growth wise. this caused them to declare rebellion against her. despite the carapacios leaders being on their side, their kingdom’s people were anything but on their side due to past conflicts in the 5-000+ yr gap, leading the two to leave the kingdom to find new rulers to help the rebellion, while the consort kingdom left itself to be neutral in the situation for now.

-a day before harisn’s thirteenth birthday his mothers left the carapacion kingdom, moving to the human kingdom so he could still attend it’s school, despite the glares kan still gets.

-a week after tifney’s twelfth birthday, the vantas home was bombed as a warning to stop the rebellion, leaving only the third story burnt and their side to declare war.

-afterwards a now life ring wearing meenah and the leftover of the dancestors had fallen out of a mysterious black time portal hole, recruited to join the rebellion, making meenah the leader of the ghost train, the ghostly crew used to spy in the crockercorps’s buildings and make secret attacks on them, living in the marylonde’s basement of their new house. catav and aquisprites were recruited, given robotic bodies to help as the co-leaders if the ghost train and tech departments respectively.

-on vrasey’s thirteenth birthday at the troll kingdom’s sign-high an attack was made, causing many trolls above jade color attacked by locker bombs, swords and the declaration from the human kingdom’s ruler that any blood above jade was their target, causing many of the lowerbloods to rally against them into hiding and vrasey to be schooled in the consort kingdom. the sea of the troll’s beach bombed with a poison taking out most of its seadweller neighbors and fish.

-after this a highblooded rebellion was created underground, ran by teals as the rulers of it to achieve the goal of winning this war, taking out both sides who betrayed them. the elderly leader of the coming rebellion took in another teal, training her during this time and inserting her some bias he had at the time of the higherbloods’s status’s. 

-a month after travos’s sixteenth birthday he had involved himself in another kismesis scuffle as gamjane’s relationship was becoming more and more unhealthy, anger filled, only to end with a gash from a club to his head and after waking up covered in his dead blood. freaking out he drove off in his newly given airportable car as jane ushered a drunk roxy to make the corpse disappear, which she did, and having it reappear in harisn’s sylladex at school.

the kids:

harisn maryam lalonde -16-: harisn is a musical lover, extending to an orchestratal lover along with his mothers as he picked up the interest of persuing the cello in his music class. he lives an easy breezy life as his moms limited him to stay out of the rebellion when it started and he at the time was thirteen. he has a sweet tooth and interests in sewing for school musical attires and occasionally being a step in actor for certain events, making sure his outfits warn on the other actors though are outstanding enough to be remembered.

vrasey serket harlenglker eggbert -16-: vrasey never had alot of friends, even before moving to the consort’s firedile high and going to troll kingdom’s sign-high she was much too ambitious with hard pranks and thrill for action for many. she’s a fan of action movies with a hint of comedy and romance, sparring with her mom and recently recovering uncle who lives with them now, and having a bit of a fashionista side of re-creating her hand-me-downs. is mostly kind to her relatives but will snip in some cases.

travos english crocker -15-16-: growing up in a soporific filled household with no father figure thats present enough and an unhealthy kismesis couple travos had grown to be soft, quiet and anxietic at the smallest of actions and tones, closing himself in his room being homeschooled for most of his life. he’s perceptive of others emotions surprisingly able to know mostly how someone feels. he’s also known for having alot of knowledge on carapacions history, traditions and a dozen of their words in their language, but shut in enough to only ever tell this to his summer school going semi-relative harisn, until his mothers left the royalty and ultimately the kingdom but both stay in touch.

tifney vantas strider harley -15-: the star soccer player of troll kingdom’s sign-high tifney is protective and not approachable, not due to how mean she is she’s nice, but mostly due to how intimidating she looks. ever since the beginning of the war she has since tried to know all she could secretly from her parents despite their best efforts not to get her involved. she gained kar’s love of romance’s but also soap opera’s and napoleon ice cream.

claret pyrope -16-17-: the recent ruler of the underground highblood rebellion ‘high-revive’. born and raised in dolorosa’s cavern for orphaned wigglers she lived an introverted life as her rebellious, childish and slightly aggressive way of playing pretend led to many not staying for long. being in the system however she was still authorized to go to school, until the attack happened, causing her to end up with a horn and eye slashed, taken in by the newly formed high-revive’s leader, to become its newer leader. she takes her job overly seriously, giving more benefit to trolls then humans. she’s stubborn and believes the law and method she’s making to be the only way to gain a winning in the rebellion. she looks up to past teals in the history specifically the pyropes and redglare, basing all she’s doing off the knowledge of them thanks to schoolfeed.

reeffi peixes -16-: after the waters of her and her moirail’s home were poisoned both escaped thanks to her heightened smell, being found by claret at 15 and taken into the high-revive. reeffi was trained to become the new heiress of the rebellion after learning her blood color’s status in the past, wanting to do so to make things peaceful for everyone even if violence had to happen. she’s protective of her rail and considers herself to be the one to defend everyone from danger. she’s snarky, and has a thing for causing mischief and simple but stylish fashion.

marche ampora -16-: just like his moirail both share the common knowledge of not knowing their ancestors, born and raised with his rail in the seadweller side kingdom, made after the troll kingdom rulers had returned and made a compromise. marche is naive of his highblood status not grasping what it’s worth is. he’s timid, shy, outwardly vunerable and coddled slightly by his rail but also easy to annoy but keeps it quiet. is also very protective of his rail but keeps that also quiet despite his annoyance for being protected so much he’s been deemed not qualified to fight with anything. later on he grows an interest for expensive and rich looking fashion and not wanting too much responsibility that isnt his own things.

[thejeksburyguy]

Warning: discussion of mental health and dark topics

I know I joke about my mental health and sleep deprivation on here. Alot. I reblog a lot of nihilistic humour and put 'lol same' or 'm e' in the tags. But in all honesty, my mental and physical health as of late is... not.. the best...

I haven't slept a full eight hours in weeks. I haven't slept for more than four hours in a few days now, and it just keeps getting worse. Recently I went four days in a row without sleeping at all, and I'm fairly certain I started hallucinating a bit before my body just hit the emergency brakes, and even then I only slept for two hours, maybe three. I might be starting to hallucinate again, actually, but I'm choosing to ignore that.

My depression has made a violent comeback, and my appetite is starting to go as well. If it weren't for someone very close to me (who I'm just going to refer to as Hyde from now on), I probably wouldn't be eating, but he pushes me to take care of myself and won't take 'I'm not hungry' for an answer. I haven't weighed myself (I'm actively avoiding looking or even touching a scale, I do NOT need to trigger my ED into waking up, I have enough on my plate (haha w o o p s) as it is), but I've probably started losing weight again.

Thoughts of self-harm and suicide are returning. It's getting harder everyday to ignore them. I have so much work to do, from school, from my parents, I haven't even had holiday breaks off because one of my teachers keeps assigning work over the holidays. Everyday more work gets added to the pile, and I'm struggling to keep up, but reaching out for help is pointless; half of my teachers treat me like I'm a burden on their life, and the other half I don't want to bother because my own mental illnesses prevent me from seeking help.

It's one of those 'it feels easier to just swim down' situations. I just want to hit the bottom and breathe out and drown. It really doesn't help that my mother completely ignored the doctor's orders and warnings and has not only made me aware of where my pills are, but has given me full access to them and trusts me to take them myself. It's tempting to overdose. It really is. And I'm scared, because I don't know how much longer I can hold out before my brain wins. Hyde helps alot, but he can only do so much.

I guess I'm writing this to clear my mind? Or maybe it's because, if I do go through with it one day, I don't want you all to wonder where I am. I don't intend this as a suicide note, not at all, and for now I'm not giving in, but it's hard. I'm honestly not sure if I'll survive finals week, heh heh. I know I've had public mental breakdowns in the past on here, but I haven't been 100% honest about how bad it is.

I have had 3 suicide attempts, only one of which my parents know about, and even then believe it was just me 'thinking about it'.

I have thoughts of killing myself and self-harming everyday, without fail.

I have high-functioning depression. Most of the people I interact with either have no idea I'm depressed, or don't know just how bad it is.

I have a lot of undiagnosed problems, things I believe are serious and need to be addressed, but as a teenager I can't do that myself.

It's 3:17 am right now. I should really go to sleep. I can't. My body won't let me, and the few times I do I have horrific night terrors. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. I know I make alot of connections between myself and TGS Jekyll, but I'm not trying to be memey or clever when I say I am genuinely terrified of being locked up in an insane asylum. My mother has already threatened to send me to one, not because of my mental health, but as a punishment or to 'scare me straight' due to a fight we had. I feel like I can't be honest with any of the adults in my personal life or I'll be strapped in a straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell. I'm probably wrong, but this is genuinely what I think of when I think 'insane asylum':

I know I probably should be in one. I'm a danger to myself, and most likely to others as well. I have a lot of tendencies and urges I suppress (alongside with my queerness; I'm openly queer on here and with friends at school, but most of it is either forced flamboyance or, when around other people, suppressing it and pretending to be cishet), most of which I know for a fact are a one way ticket to the loving embrace of medical torture. But I can't get into detail about it or ask for help or I'll be seen as attention seeking, faking it, or trying to be Edgy.

My therapist is incredibly sweet, but I'm not honest with her. I keep a lot from her. I feel like I'm burdening her, or she'll judge me. She won't, she's made it clear she cares about me, truly, but my brain won't let me progress and get the help I need. This meme I made pretty much sums up my life in one image:

I don't know why I'm even making this post anymore. I feel so manipulative, like I'm begging for pity and attention. I don't want that; I'd almost prefer getting anons telling me to shut up and kill myself, heh heh! At least then I wouldn't feel like I'm emotionally damaging people who care about me.

I sincerely hate myself for making this post now, actually. I want to delete it all, but I've spent so much time on it, it'd be wasted if I didn't post it. I can't afford to waste time, my brain might actually short circuit if it realizes I wasted time I could have been using to work. What is relaxing or free time, heh heh heh.

...I think I'm going to go cry to Hyde now.

[nobody-washere]

If im up before noon its always a rough day.

Its noon now and so im going back to bed, ive been up since 9 and only slept 4 hours last night. Had nightmares about financial issues and housing problems. Two things which are very prevalent in my life the past few years.

I woke up to a message saying the hotel im staying in has overcharged me (glitch in the system) and the payment went through 3 times, totaling out around 1700$ apposed to the 690$ it should have been.

So now im short money and dont know where ill be going after saturday.

And theres been a very strange change of things. My mother wants to get an apartment with me, we dont know when we will be able to get one-but im struggling to process the idea of it.

I became homeless 3 years ago when i moved into a transitional youth home. I had moved out due to my mother constantly threatening to kick me for not going to college as well as her general toxicity.

The past few years our relationship has changed alot. Its less like a parent/child dynamic and she now is being more understanding to my mental health problems as well as the fact that im trans.

Theres a lot going on right now in the world, and theres a lot going on in my bubble of the world. Theres so much to process my brain has stopped processing things and i feel so disconnected from myself and have found ive been more dissociative recently.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far, theres no real meaning to this post, i just needed to write somethings down to try and help my brain along.

Love yourself and each other, thats the only way were getting out of here.

[crps-chronicpain-ptsd]

I hate the question. “So what do you do with your time ?”

I never know what to say I go blank and I don’t know why......... I need to have an automated answer in my head ........... ➰ I Suffer! ➰I deal with pain every minute of every day. ➰sometimes I sleep ALOT ➰I have medical appointments and as soon as I come home I’m gone, I pass out for hours just getting ready takes a lot of spoons 🥄 🥄 🥄 let alone the travel to the appointment. ➰ support groups again I come home I haven’t even walked thru the door and I’m already sleeping practically. ➰ physical therapy be it desensitisation which brings your pain up a couple notches 🔸GMI Therapy 🔸 smart goals 🔸hydrotherapy 🔸stretches 🔸excercises Again as soon as I come home / finish I’m done , I pass out and wake up hours later. ➰If it’s a flare day my appointments or support groups get cancelled and it’s a recharge/ recovery day where I stay in bed ; finally I listen to my body it’s taken me years to get to this place of acceptance and to listen to my body. Sometimes this can be just a day or two or three can even be a week. ➰having a shower usually takes a lot of spoons 🥄 🥄 🥄 🥄 and I often fall asleep in just my towel before I can even get help to get dressed/ getting my hair washed by my hairdresser saves myself a lot time spoons and pain ➰if it’s a warm enough day I go in the pool this is me time and last summer I found this both beneficial physically and mentally. ➰my cleaner comes when I can afford it we aim for fortnightly so I use my Tabata app to try control my ocd to pace I try set myself a goal for the day but this day I’m usually lying down before she has even gone or and as soon as She’s gone, I pass out for hours yet again. •Trying to remember what else I do I know it’s sad and boring but this is what progress looks like when you’re living in constant pain it’s better than before when all I did was stay in my bedroom and just leave for my doctor appointments which i cancelled often. 🔸🔸🔸 People that ask you this question have NO IDEA the pain levels we have to deal with on a daily basis 🔸 🔸let alone how tired and chronically exhausted we are pain is draining mentally and physically it drains all your energy 🔸My sleep is all over the place I either can’t sleep or I sleep for hours on end, like today new record I slept till almost 4pm and no matter how much sleep I get I never feel replenished it’s hard to function with chronic exhaustion 🔸 they don’t understand how hard it is to get out of bed 🔸get up and to get ready to leave the house -you haven’t even left the house and most you’re spoons are gone saying this out loud makes me realise no wonder why as soon as I come home I’m gone, and I pass out for hours!!! ➰ I try to delegate jobs to my children this can be a process that can use all my spoons In a minute. ➰when I need help or something done and have no supports to help I get depressed which never ends well for me mentally ➰I spend time reflecting on life sometimes on things unhelpful to my mental health. ➰ I blog on here either public private or drafts takes me a while to get this out but it’s helped with my mental health I’m glad I listened to my Pyscholigist’s suggestions even if it did take me a while get here ➰Epsom bath when restless less syndrome or the burning is really bad

[rawratinyrawr]

Last Summer, Chocolate ice cream, & breastfeeding...

June 8, 2019

Micah turned 11 months on the 3rd. It feels like the day I got pregnant, I blinked, then BOOM he's here and he's almost a year old!

With Micah turning 1 soon I've had a terrible case of baby fever. I know he's only 11 months, so he is technically still a baby...

But it all went by so fast! All of it! My pregnancy. His birth. The last 11 months. I miss my baby bump, I miss being pregnant.

I even miss those hazy first few weeks when he was in the every 2 hours phase. You know, that-every two hours baby wakes, eats, pees/poops(usually both), gets changed, stays awake (sometimes) for a few minutes so you can gaze into their open eyes and blubber at how cute they are and how it's all worth it, and then they fall asleep again (that is, if they stayed awake when you fed them), -phase.🤣😭😂

I've been talking to my wife about the last few weeks before having him, the day I went into labor, and giving birth. Talking about and looking at pictures and videos of those hazy first 6 weeks as mombies.

Yesterday morning I pulled out the ice cream to eat a few spoonfuls after reading that it's national chocolate ice cream day. Then I spent the rest of the day thinking about last summer, the chocolate ice cream I ate just hours after giving birth, breastfeeding, and my breastfeeding cravings that led to a temporary chocolate ice cream addiction.😂 I obsessed all day all because I ate a few bites of ice cream. 🙄

When I eat ice cream now (especially chocolate ice cream) I can't help but think about last summer and the little cup of chocolate ice cream I ate just hours after Micah was born.

The hospital kept lactation snacks for breastfeeding moms in the fridge and freezer of a little kitchenette down the hall from my room in the mother/baby ward. Little brown bags full of yogurt, granola, and fruit cups, cheese & pepperoni cups, milk, juice, and in the freezer-little cups of chocolate ice cream! You know the kind with a wooden spoon. My wife made many trips to that fridge for me in the middle of the night those two nights after having him.

I didn't crave chocolate when I was pregnant. But when my wife brought me that first little cup after giving birth I devoured it. It tasted like the best ice cream I'd ever had. (Probably not really, but I had just given birth and hadn't had food yet lol)

Nobody told me that breastfeeding would make you want to snack like it's your job (and I pretty much did in the beginning). And nobody told me that it would feel alot like pregnancy cravings. And that's what the chocolate ice cream, while breastfeeding, ended up feeling like.

My milk came in the day we left the hospital. Within hours that day I went from kinda swollen boobies to my chest blowing up and having to hand pump to relieve the pressure. I hurt SO BAD and to top it off Micah and I were struggling with breastfeeding.

One of the first things my wife did for me when we got home from the hospital was put together and hook up my electric pump. I was drinking a ton of water and was seriously craving the kind of snacks I had eaten while in the hospital.

So my wife kept us stocked up on oatmeal, yogurt, granola, fresh fruits, fruit cups, cheese, pepperoni, nuts, black bean salad, milk, juice. And then, of course, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM! My wife would make me little snack plates every 2 hours or so.

And the ice cream...well, at first it was just a serving here and there. Then it was 3 qts.(2 tubs) a week. My wife would have some as well. But not like me. There were whole tubs gone sometimes before she had even a bite. Lol. I craved it SO BAD! I craved other things too while breastfeeding. Fortunately the other cravings were things that were better for me. Oatmeal, cheese, nuts, and such.

When he was about 6 weeks old our breastfeeding journey unfortunately came to an end.

From the beginning there had been issues preventing a good latch and I spent a great deal of time sad and frustrated while pumping instead of breastfeeding to keep up my milk supply. I had wanted to breastfeed for as long as possible so badly when I was pregnant and had him. So I felt extremely frustrated, stressed out, and guilty when it wasn't going according to plan.

I had started to let the breastfeeding problems get to me. I felt like it was my fault. That my body, my breasts, my nipples, were failing me and my baby.

I felt so jealous of all those women in the happy breastfeeding pictures I'd seen who appeared so carefree while their little one suckled.

For us, breastfeeding was...

Me feeling like a failure every time he couldn't get a good latch.

It was him screaming because he is hungry and me crying because I was so engorged my nipple wouldn't cooperate for him to latch.

It was choosing to pump over going to sleep knowing he was going to wake up again in 2 hours and would need to eat again.

It was me trying to stay positive and determined because he latched earlier, no problem, but this time we can't get a latch. So I end up crying again when I have to give him pumped milk in a bottle instead.

It was both of us crying in the middle of the night because I couldn't get my nipple shield to stick long enough for him to latch. And I'm just so tired. And he's so hungry.

It was pumping, pumping, pumping!

Always pumping.

It was packing a hand pump every time I left the house, even if it was for just an hour.

It was packing and toting an extra bag with my electric pump, parts, bottles, nipple shields, on top of everything else we had to take with us, to visit my parents for the day.

It was spending x amount of time pumping while visiting.

It was crying while choosing to pump over peeing or eating or resting while he slept because I hadn't had a chance to pump while he was awake and I was starting to leak every time I moved.

It was everything but what I had imagined it being.

The act of breastfeeding was something that I thought should be beautiful, easy and natural, and I wanted it to be so badly.

But by week 3 it was, instead, causing severe anxiety.

After many shed tears and a discussion with my wife we decided that we needed to end our breastfeeding journey for my mental health. It was such a hard decision and I missed it so much for awhile. I even thought once or twice about trying to start again, but would then remember how consumed and overwhelmed it made me feel and decided not to.

When I stopped breastfeeding/pumping I felt less and less cravings and after a while didn't snack as much, and my ice cream addiction just...went away.

But I still crave chocolate ice cream once in a while.

And now, every time I eat it, I think about last summer, eating ice cream hours after giving birth, our struggle with breastfeeding, and how it all seems like it was just yesterday.

And I sigh a little, wishing I could go back and do it all again, struggles and all. Because it all just went by so fast!

And now, in the blink of eye, this little baby that cried with me in the middle of the night, will be 1 and calls me Mama!🥰

[most-likely-to-runaway-with-u]

In a reflective mood and just wanted to write what Taylor Swift's Albums mean to me, where I was at the time, and what songs influenced me the most. (I'm gonna go in order that I discovered her music.)

Love Story: 2008/9 was babysitting with my best friend we were 14 talking about her crush at school, with the music channel playing. Looked over at the TV and just heard the bridge, both me and my friend had chills, asked her to rewind and we kept rewatching all night until we new all the words. Thought how beautiful Taylor was and said we need to write her name and YouTube and Google her later see if she has any other music.

Debut: 2008/9 we got back to my friends house I was sleeping over and we spent the whole night listening to the debut album, loving picture to burn and Tim McGraw, and I'm only me when I'm with you. Then we research a bunch of unreleased music cause we saw she had a new album coming but was kinda impatient and wanted more amazing songs. Was so happy in life at this moment in time.

Fearless: This album was just literally everything to me and my best friend. She still had a massive crush, and then ended up asking him out (the fearless speech made her feel bold enough, just imagine her 4ft10 ass striding up and addmiting her crush -- cutest thing ever. Then they broke up and he was with this other girl and literally I didn't know what to do cause I'd never had my heart broken, but Taylor's music was the perfect solution, so we listened to white horse and teardrops on my guitar and 15 for months. Until she was okay again. I didn't get to go to the fearless tour because I didn't have anymore and was too shy to ask but my friend went and she made me promise we'd see her together next time. I was so scared because she's from the US and not many people who I liked came over to UK Midlands. This time in my life was happy, free and honestly I did feel on top of the world.

Speak Now: The first album I brought on its release day. This is where her song writing really dug me deep, and where I became invested as a fan to her.

"Mine" felt like it was a message about my own insecurities about dating, I had a rough childhood however I had a very romantic mindset but I had this plague in my head, saying it was a trick or mind games. But this song was amazing for my imagination, although I still wasn't ready to date even though I felt like a freak because I was 16/17 and had never had date because of my anxiety. I used to joke it was because I was tall and guys were intimated. 😂

"Never Grow Up" at the time when I first heard it I thought this is a cute song and sweet message. However, now I understand it as an adult, 'someday everything i have is gonna be gone' is the truth.. gone were the days of protection and laughter. It breaks my heart everytime I hear it.

"Long live" my first concert and with my best friend. One of those conflicting feelings because it's one of my favourite memories but also I'll never get that night back again and now she lives away and it just makes me think of our friendship and our connection to Taylor.

"Haunted" - I was going through bad mental health, I was having panic attacks, crying on public transport and I literally became a recluse for about 3 months because I couldn't handle social interaction, even with my own family, I'd wait til they went to sleep at night to eat. I didn't speak online or anything. I just read, slept and occasionally watched a film if I could concentrate long enough. This song literally feels like I'm standing in a mirror at night watching myself age away. Like I thought I knew myself and knew what I wanted, but suddenly everything was pulled from under me and I was wishing I could go back to having that confidence and being that happy.

RED: I was 19, I still had never fell in love or dated, all my friends had gone to university, I had no job and I felt like a loser. I literally felt like so lonely and lost. Occasionally I'd be dragged out by old school friends to go clubbing, and predrinks we'd play 22 and WANEGBT. It was glimpse of happiness. Those songs as bubble gum pop they hold a special place. And 'I knew you were trouble' holds a special place in my heart.

1989: I had recently started dating someone and we fell in love pretty quick and pretty hard, he soon learnt of my love for TS, and most nights we'd play her music. I'd gotten a job where I felt I had purpose and I made new friends and was social again. It was a much happier era and time although it wasn't without its sad times.

Wildest Dreams: First time I had romantically danced with anyone even if it was in my nan and grandad kitchen, it was butterflies in the stomach, silly and nice. Plus, my bf would always sing the song as if it was written about him which always made me smile.

Clean: I had just lost my grandad to cancer after caring for him for a few months, he raised me and my siblings and I felt like I'd lost my parents all over again. Me and my friend had planned to see 1989 in Hyde Park. And I was considering not going cause it was so soon after the funeral, and I felt I'd be too sad. But the whole tour helped me escape home life for a night, the clean speech really hit a nerve and what Taylor said that night was exactly what I needed to hear..you can bet I sobbed. I still listen to the speech on my phone when I'm feeling really bad. That song will forever shine in my mind.

Rep: okay. Deep Breath. This was a highly stressful time, I was working full time and over hours at the hospital, I had just lost my grandad, and was caring for my grandmother whos still suffering with dementia, and trying to help the police with finding my brother who was in trouble for fraud, theft and drug possession. I'd get calls in the middle of the day saying my nan was shouting at the staff in the store for her money thinking it was the bank. I was pulled in half. I had a very difficult and selfish uncle who did nothing but pass judgements and make snide comments and I snapped. I left home that day. I never spoke to him again. I also cut my brother off. I went on holiday. Came back crashed at my bfs house and we moved into a apartment together 2 weeks later (rented) I went back to see my nan ofc, and things got messed up for her/ and the house which always make me sad but it only proved how much I actually did and how underappreciated I was. I stepped in when needed but whatever. It was a stressful time and I was pretty mad. So "DSB" & "LWYMMD" really helped that anger and turned it into empowerment. I also cut alot of toxic people out of my life and just never spoke to or off them again. Also her poems from that, 'why she disappeared' and 'if you're anything like me' they just hit hard... Again sometime I feel like Taylor's in my head. Also that tour! Beautiful evening!

"Don't blame me" - in love, in our own place, traveling Europe, some say it's become my whole life and like I've let everything go and become focused on all that. But I think after 5 years if love still doesn't drive you crazy then why are you still there.

Me! -- okay this song might not be as popular in the fandom but you know, I actually think it's great when you're in a long term relationship you feel frustrated, we all have our faults and this song is a happy way to talk about that, yes I'm troubled and I have issues, but you won't find somebody who loves you and as crazy and passionate as me! Hehehe. ;)

YNTCD - haha, literally every BBQ or house party or if It comes on the radio at work. It's blasted every body dances and it's a moment to be happy.

Archer - I didn't cry like many people have claimed to. I think I have hardened over the years so maybe it's that. But yeah I felt those words, about treachery, anxiety, insecurity and wanting people to stay through it all. Life is not without its ups and downs, I feel grateful that I have friends and a boyfriend of 5 years who have witnessed, my broken down, dark and angry side and really let me express myself and allow me to not suffer alone. I've had people judge me, and alot of belittlement, and undermining what I've been through. But those who actually care do stay. And that's beautiful and that's why this song is a masterpiece.

I can't wait to hear lover. But I'm also interested to see how I connect to it and incorporate it into my daily life.

💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙💜💙💜

[cartoonaesthetic99]

Huge story about a cat of mine. When my mom and I were about to move to Hildale, we decided to let our cat stay on the house for a bit more and we gave him a bunch of cat food for her to eat. The reason we went to move through there is because my sister in law, Briell Decker wanted us go in there to live nearby. We kind of stayed on the room where they usually lived over for like, four days, but then we’re kind of forced to rent a house that we cannot afford so-  We moved to a different city that’s nearby it and we check our cat after every week. My poor cat ran up to us and cuddled our legs, always happy to be with us when we’re there. After we finally got ourselves a house for the three of us, she even almost lost her voice because of the meowing. She really missed us alot and my fucking hell! When we slept the first time on our finally rented apartment, she slept between my mom and me! She is a very loveable cat. Months after, at the end of October 2018, she left us, lost somewhere else. I don’t know if she was robbed or not but I still knew that she’d still missed us by now even if she’s gone... After her disappearance, I worry about her mental and physical health. Here’s  what she looks like in case if you want to find her https://cartoonaesthetic99.tumblr.com/post/173308054664/need-a-bit-of-help I feel like there won’t be much hope since it’s been very long..

They are indeed wonderful pets. Gah I miss my floofy family member ;w;

     “Cats are cold, detached & unloving.”

     “Cats are not loyal.”

     “A cat will not greet you at the door.”

     “You can not train a cat”

     “Cats aren’t that smart.”

     “Cats aren’t that good with children.”

     “Cats don’t miss you when you’re gone.”

     “Cats don’t comfort you when you’re feeling down.”

What a load of crap !!!  One thing for certain… cats don’t give a rat’s ass what B.S. you tell about them. They refuse to care less, either about what you think of them, or about the people they love.