#i need you to understand the dream i had with them was so fucking dramatic and intense that i was like inconsolable all day

[pronounrespector]

Can I say something

[damiansgoodgirll]

OK OK OK I have a request go with me here. What about Damian/Rhea (It’s up to you who)with an insecure reader but she’s plus size she’s insecure about like sitting Damian/Rhea lap (and face 😗) so maybe like a fluffy smut or something idk I just haven’t been feeling to good about my body these days. You 100% don’t have to do this. Ok love you bye!!!!😘

i absolutely loved this request, just to let remind you , you’re beautiful the way you are and if you ever need to talk, i’m here ❤️

rhea ripley x reader

likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated!!

‼️insecure reader, self conscious reader, smut, fluff, dom!rhea, soft!rhea

too dramatic

“i wanna taste you baby…” rhea softly moaned against your naked chest. those moments were rare, where you could be at home, relaxing on the couch while a movie was playing on background. you missed having rhea at home, she was travelling constantly, hopping from city to city.

“okay…” your voice was barely a whisper. rhea left soft kisses on your chest as her hands squeezed your ass, making slightly jump onto her hips.

you moved to lay down on the couch but rhea stopped you “let me lay down love” rhea smiled at you.

you were confused. why was she laying down?

“i want you to sit on my face” she said sternly, almost as an order.

you never sat on anybody’s face. too scared that you would hurt them or worse - crush them.

rhea asked you multiple times to sit on her face but you always refused, giving her false excuses and now she was tired of it. she was dying to be between your thighs and she wanted to be on her for so long but she couldn’t understand why you always refused to do so.

“no rhea…i’m not doing that…” you looked away, fearing that you would break down if rhea delved deeper into the topic.

“hey…” she sat back normally, looking at you “why do you always say no? and don’t give me those lame excuses you always do…i wanna know the real reason” her tone was calm and yet strong.

“i wouldn’t feel comfortable…” you tried to avoid her eyes but you were fucked the moment her fingers lifted your chin up so you could meet her staring look.

“what? why? is it me? did i do something?” rhea panicked a little. her eyes grew, trying to find an answer. she knew that there were times when she was rough with you, times where she fully took control of the situation and for that reason she feared she might have overstepped.

you smiled softly “no, it’s not you rhea, you’re perfect…it’s me, i’m the problem” you wanted to look away but her hand stopped you from doing so.

“what you mean baby? you’re absolutely perfect” rhea had no idea where those words were coming from. she loved you. she loved every part of you. your body, your personality, your kindness, your heart. you were everything she ever dreamed of and sometimes she thought that you deserved better.

“but i’m not rhea…and if i sit on your i’m gonna hurt you…” you huffed “i’m bigger than you, i’m heavier than you, i could probably crush you if i do that…”

she wasn’t expecting that answer from you. those flaws you just pointed out were irrelevant to her. she never thought about the possibility of you crushing her - in fact, she couldn’t wait to be between your legs.

her face softened “i love you y/n…i love all of you and i promise you baby, you’re perfect for me, you’re everything i ever wanted” she saw the little smile forming on your lips “and if i want to be crushed by your thighs, you’re gonna do as i say” she whispered with that little smirk that you found irresistible “now i’m gonna lay down on the couch and your gonna bring your pretty pussy over my lips…you’re gonna sit and you’re gonna let me make you feel good okay?”

you nodded, feeling heat in your cheeks “okay…”

she smiled, knowing that she was gonna destroy you. once she was comfortable enough, she grabbed you by the hips and moved your body towards her. slowly you brought your naked core over her face, wondering if she was right or if you had time to back off. before you could think of an excuse she moved your hips down, making you slightly jump from the feeling of her lips over your thighs.

“fuck…this is what i wanted” her voice vibrating over your skin.

soft kisses and gentle licks were left on your skin as rhea was teasing you. she was giving you time to adjust to this new position, understanding your fear and trying to ease it down for you.

she wasn’t rough this time. she was taking her sweet time with you. her tongue gently teasing your clit, sending shivers down your spine. her hands still on your hips, preventing you from moving too much or to sit away. when she felt your body relaxing into her touch, she moved deeper. going from kisses to bites, she was playing with your clit, going from sucking it to licking it.

that new position was making you feel things you’ve never felt before. trying to close your thighs, your heard rhea moan against your core.

“mh..fuck” you whimpered, feeling her tongue moving harshly against your clit “like that rhea…”

“yeah?” she groaned as she kept eating you out. one of her hands moved from your hips to your breast. teasing a nipple between her fingers, your brought your hand over hers. rhea understood. she knew how much you loved physical touch during this moments so she didn’t waste any time and intertwined her fingers with yours.

“i’m so close baby…rhea please” you didn’t mean to grind over face but the stimulation was hard and you couldn’t stay still any longer.

“i want you to come in my mouth…i wanna taste you so bad…” her words against your leaking core were enough to make your legs shake and cum in her mouth.

sending shivers of pleasure all over your body, you cried out her name, squeezing her hand as she kept kissing over your swollen clit “rhea…fuck”

“let me clean you baby” she teased you, savouring every single drop leaking out of you. once your breath slowed down, she left some kisses over your thighs before you moved from her face and sat back on the couch.

sitting up with you, rhea took a deep look into your eyes. you were still lost in pleasure and she couldn’t keep the smile forming on her lips “you good?” she gently laughed bringing a blanket to cover your naked body.

“yeah…are you okay? did i hurt you?” your voice asked in a whisper.

rhea laughed “being buried in your thighs is the best thing that could ever happen to me…i’m okay” she said before helping you sitting comfortably between her legs “sometimes you can be too dramatic you know?” she whispered in your ear making you laugh.

“i’ve been told” you chucked as she kissed your cheek.

laying over her chest, wrapped in a comfy blanket, maybe she was right - you were too dramatic.

[scatterpatter]

These two came to me in a dream and I haven't been normal since

Who wants to see my cursed megaman crackship

[beauty-and-passion]

TBOB PART 3: OF BILL'S SOLITUDE AND BILLFORD (1/3)

What can I say? I’ve always loved the canon ship in almost every fandom I was in.

Welcome, everyone. Welcome to the third part of my endless rambling about Bill Cipher, The Book of Bill and Gravity Falls in general. Now it’s time for the ship, so sit back and relax, because there is a lot to talk about here.

Yes, I was one of the people who shipped these two eight years ago. And I shipped them as soon as I finished watching the series, because… well, there was more than enough proof that something was going on between them.

Unfortunately, the mentality at the time was “Bill tries to kill Dipper as soon as he has the chance? True love. One trillion proofs that Ford and Bill have something going on? How dare you think that, you are a Bad Person™”.

And yes, I know I could’ve written one post years ago and tried to explain Billford back then but… it would’ve been so, so tiresome. Especially considering that pedophilia was a-okay, but Billford shippers were terrible people Because Yes.

But hey, times change, people change and TBOB gives us enough proofs even a blind person can see them. So. it’s finally time to extensively talk about this ship - this time, from Bill’s point of view.

(For the disclaimer and everything else, refer to the first post. And read the previous ones too, if you like! They will help you understand some things I take for granted here.)

<- Previoust post - Masterlist

_______________________________

Billford has always been canon

The thing is: now as then, Billford has never been a ship about “and they ended up happily ever after”. There was never an intent to glorify abuse or to say that Bill and Ford had the healthiest relationship and everyone should have the same.

What was so captivating of this ship was the tragedy of it. The clearly evident infatuation. The obsession these two had for each other.

This is what pushed people (me included) to ship them: because it’s interesting. The dramatic possibilities, the angst, how deeply an obsession can go to the point you lose yourself to your partner… and yes, of course also the interesting images that can come up by imagining such different beings having something physical (if you’re not a coward and give Bill a human form). It’s not the typical fluff with a couple being lovey-dovey 24/7: it’s a lot more. There is a lot that can be explored. It’s wonderfully challenging, both on the writing plane and purely mentally.

… and yes, it's funny for crack and parodies. These two being cringe and pathetic or married and divorced at the same time is always funny.

Sure, at first we had just the show to support this ship. But oh boy, if there weren’t enough proofs already:

Ford’s house was filled to the brim with images, pictures and stuff of Bill. His goddamn windows are triangular-shaped. Not even the Vatican is filled with so many images of God - and I can assure you the windows are not Jesus-shaped.

Ford made a deal with Bill to be together “from now until the end of time”. Until the end of time. That’s basically a marriage, only even more extreme, because fuck death, we will be together until the last supernova evaporates. And before you ask: yes, it takes such a stupidly long amount of time, it’s bonkers. That’s real infatuation.

Ford consensually gave his body to Bill for possession. Just imagine the sheer trust you need to surrender your whole self to someone else. Not even a married couple can reach this level of trust. And definitely not “just friends”. Maybe BDSM couples can come a bit closer to what these two had.

As soon as Ford returned home after 30 years, Bill greeted him in a dream, called him “his old pal” and was all nice and friendly. No hard feelings, no reprimands, nothing but flattery and threats because, as we learned from TBOB, these two things go together in his head.

Bill asked Ford to join him 200 times more or less.

Bill gave Ford 200 nicknames more or less.

During Weirdmageddon, right after Ford tried to kill him with one of the things that could’ve destroyed him (the quantum destabilizer), Bill welcomed him with a smile, offered him a place among his freaks for the umpteenth time and, when Ford refused again, he turned him into his literal golden trophy wife and carried him around.

By comparison, when Preston Northwest offered his help, Bill shuffled the function of every hole in his face and ignored him completely right after.

Also: Ford tries to shoot me and fails by sheer luck? Please please please, be one of my freaks. Dipper tries to throw me a punch that will literally do nothing? Death. Bill doesn’t have double standards, nope nope.

To convince Ford to give him the equation, Bill’s first thought is to bring Ford into a private suite, serenade him and ask him to join him for… what? The 220th time?

When Ford refuses, Bill puts chains on him in the kinkiest possible way known to mankind, with an iconic image that screams of BDSM.

Somehow, all of this wasn’t enough. And so, we had Journal 3, in which:

Ford called Bill “his Muse”. Oh, my mistake: he called Bill “his blessed Muse”.

Literally lavishes Bill with compliments. So. Many. Compliments.

Says Bill will “seduce” you with never-ending flattery. Interesting verb choice here, Ford, are you sure there’s nothing else you want to tell us?

Ford named a constellation after his Muse.

Once he went through the portal, instead of hiding away forever and good luck finding him, Ford held a 30-years-old grudge and decided HE would’ve killed Bill, no one else. That’s not a simple obsession between friends.

But after all of this, something was still missing.

Until now, it was quite certain that Ford had a COLOSSAL obsession about Bill. The religious fervor, the sheer trust, the depth of his grudge all made it very clear that Bill carved a deeply rooted place in his heart and mind - a place he kept for most of Ford’s life.

But what about Bill? Did he even care about Ford?

We had no idea. Sure, he showed some kind of care: he gave Ford special treatment during Weirdmageddon and seemed to value him enough to offer him a place among his freaks multiple times.

But when did this care start? Was it just because he needed Ford? What about their pre-betrayal relationship? Did Bill even care before?

The most plausible explanation at the time was that pre-betrayal Bill was simply flattered by Ford’s lavish adoration. Maybe he liked the guy a bit (otherwise, why waste time with him?) and humored him in his fervor, but nothing more than that.

But then the betrayal happened and Ford switched from adoring him to opposing him. He actively ran away, found ways to keep Bill away from his mind and came back with the sole intention of killing him.

At the time, I thought this was the moment when Bill started to be truly interested in Ford. Before Ford was just an adoring pet. Now he was more. Now he was interesting. Now he was worthy.

And that opened the door to even more angst possibilities! If Billford was just a “one-sided relationship” before, now it could’ve been the story of two beings who loved/cared about each other, but at different moments in time: Ford in the past, when Bill didn’t love him yet. And Bill in the present, when Ford wasn’t in love with him anymore. The perfect tragedy, ton of angst, love that.

But now, with TBOB and thisisnotawebsitedotcom, the tragedy that is Billford gets a new, angst layer. A beautiful, angst layer.

Because it’s not that Bill never cared about Ford or cared at the wrong moment in time: Bill cared right from the start.

_______________________________

Deeply alone

One detail about TBOB that people aren’t talking too much about is the sense of solitude that permeates it. There are parts in which you can literally feel Bill’s loneliness.

One example? The Bill Tells All section. I know it’s supposed to be a funny parody, but it’s also a perfect image of how alone he is. He’s so alone, he has to be host, interviewee and audience at the same time, because no one else is willing to listen or talk to him.

And in light of the information we got about his past, I think this is an extremely important part of Bill’s character and personality.

Let’s come back to Euclydia: the anthem/poem on the website emphasizes how close people are (“LOVED ONES WILL BE EVER NEAR”), so it’s very possible Bill grew up surrounded by his loved ones.

And then, one single event and everyone disappeared. All the people who surrounded him one second ago, were gone the second after. “There was no one left but me, covered in blood, alone in the universe.”: if this line means solitude for us, just imagine how much, much stronger that same solitude would be for someone who, until that moment, has always been surrounded by others and knew no other reality than that.

That’s another level of solitude: it’s a black void of emptiness, something all-encompassing and all-consuming. It’s a hole carved inside you that nothing will fill ever again. And it was you, the one who carved it.

Of course Bill became insane. Of course he chose to find a justification for his action, by saying that he liberated his dimension and that his people were holding him back. I don’t know what he would’ve done, if he hadn’t. Probably, he wouldn’t have found a way to survive.

But he survived. He repressed his trauma, justified it and kept going towards the stars he was aiming for.

Still, that void was inside him - and we know he tried to fill it. He tried by dating a literal void, for god’s sake. And he tried by surrounding himself with people.

That’s probably why he became who he is: a flashy, flamboyant figure, someone who loves to be the center of attention, because that means having people around. It means people listening to him and being with him and surrounding him again. It means not being alone again.

I mean, just look at this book: every page has something new and interesting, every page is a different attempt to keep you involved, to keep you around and listen.

But an audience can always leave. An audience can stop being around. And that’s probably why Bill searched for someone closer, someone who wouldn’t leave him so soon.

He searched for new loved ones.

_______________________________

Love and hate

Bill’s love advice put a real smile on my face, because sure, they’re funny, but at their foundation, they all share the same goal: to show to your potential partner your qualities and how you would be able to carry/provide for them and your offspring.

Why is it so funny? Because that’s exactly what every single living being does to attract a potential mate: showing off your colorful feathers, singing louder than others, fighting other rivals, showing how clever you are, using pheromones and special smells. And, for humans, something like, idk, showing how wide your hips were as proof that you would carry healthy babies. Or showing off how wealthy you are, to prove you can take care of your partner and your offspring.

Bill himself follows this mentality, considering advices like “have two of everything to show your wealth” or “show how much calcium you have (aka how healthy you are)”. Heck, he even has a seduction hat which is basically one huge phallic shape!

And, again, this makes me smile, not just because it’s a clear parody of those men who keep showing off their huge, large vehicles. But also because he usually wears a tall top hat. And how funny it would be, if a tall top hat was indeed a way to win a partner in Euclydia? What if that’s how his father got his mother? Please, I want a fanfic or Mr. Cipher entering a place with a top hat big and wide enough to win Mrs. Cipher’s heart (while not accidentally piercing through another shape). I bet it would be hilarious.

Funny love advice aside, I would also point out these two things Bill says:

Love and fear are right next to each other in the brain and, like most humans, Bill also can’t tell the difference (he doesn’t even think there is a difference)

“love is the pupa stage for hate”

The fact Bill mixes love and fear explains why he is like that in general - and with Ford too. If love and fear are the same thing, then there is no difference between flattering someone and threatening them. There is no difference between partying with his friends and scaring the shit out of them. There’s no difference between helping Ford and hurting him. And there’s no difference between allowing him to see Fordtramarine and “joking” about someone coming to steal his eyes.

Also: if “love is the pupa stage for hate”, then Ford coming back after 30 years hating him was completely normal for Bill. It was just how things were supposed to go: first he loved him, now he hates him. Still, same thing. Still worth a place among his freaks. Still worth flirting. For Bill, nothing has changed - just evolved in a natural way.

And yes, this is uber duper fucked up and great material for toxic Billford. But it also makes me think: how did Bill get this mentality? How did he manage to mix love and fear so much? When did it happen?

Inevitably, I think about Euclydia. And inevitably, I think that “the incident” is when Bill mixed the two things.

When he still lived in Euclydia, Bill clearly experienced both love and hate: his mother at least seemed to love him, the other kids didn’t. Bill doesn’t like his optometrist either and we have no clue about his feelings towards his father. Later in his life, Bill recognizes his family and his world tried to blind him/”snuff out his potential” - so, again, something more similar to hate than love.

Then, Bill destroyed his place. He had to deal with a trauma so huge (i.e. experiencing solitude for the first time in his existence), it left a void inside him. A void he decided to suffocate with lies - lies that, in the end, are just half-truths. His place was bad and his family was holding him back! But that was also the place that showed him love for the first time. His people were flat minds in a flat world with flat dreams! But among them, there was also the one who loved him right from the start.

I believe this is when the two feelings got mixed in his brain. In his attempt to justify and cope with his mixed feelings regarding the universe he just destroyed, Bill ended up mixing love and fear together and believing that love is just one stage of hate. Unable to deal with the vastity of solitude, Bill put together justifications for his actions and messed up his own perception of feelings.

The result is someone who is deeply, deeply alone and who desperately keeps searching for love to fill that void… but is unable to do that, because he cannot distinguish between love and hate anymore.

That’s why he has a lot of exes. And that’s why they’re all exes.

But hey, at least there are friends, right? Right?

_______________________________

Bill’s friends are full of potential (especially one of them)

The perfect friend for Bill should be:

alone, outcasted, rejected by society, possibly an orphan looking for a purpose in life (so exactly like him)

completely devoted to him

Which you can see by yourself that this isn’t exactly how a friendship should work. The friend exactly like you can still work, but the friend completely devoted to you who should do everything you want… well, that’s not a friend. That’s not even a pet, because even pets do not follow you around with such lavish adoration.

But somehow, in the vastity of the Multiverse, Bill managed to find some friends. And oh boy, what friends:

Pyronica is a beauty queen AND she has a twin sister AND she dated Hectorgon. Cool, but not enough. I need details. But, like, a lot. Her entire story would suffice (maybe).

Amorphous Shape is invisible to most of the Henchmaniacs. How? Why? Who is she, really? Where is she from? Where is her backstory? Why isn’t it here? I need it here.

Hectorgon was a goddamn sheriff and Bill just throws it like that?! I want his backstory too! I want to know everything about him!

Keyhole hates Pyronica? Why? What happened? Where is all the juicy gossip, Bill? We need the gossip!

And most importantly: a certain someone was part of Bill’s gang. Someone with a photo that has been covered, but it’s still partially visible. And as soon as I saw it, I jumped up on my bed and asked: “Wait… is this Jheselbraum?!”

The answer is yes and thisisnotawebsite confirmed it: she was one of Bill’s Henchmaniacs. And now the right question is: how much do you want The Book of Jheselbraum, from 1 to 10?

I mean:

In the partially crossed-out part about her in TBOB, Bill says she figured something related to dimensions

In the shaman page (TBOB) there is a code: WHICH HENCHMANIAC RATTED ME OUT

In Journal 3, Ford has been saved by her, who sucked him out of the 2D world of Exwhylia

Jheselbraum told Ford that Bill’s “thirst for power caused him to destroy his home dimension - including his parents and everyone else he’d ever known” (Journal 3)

Still in Journal 3, Ford says she spoke of Bill “without anger, but with a calm, steely, clinical resolve to see his reign of terror end”.

In addition to that, let me add this part from thisisnotawebsitedotcom under the code TANTRUM:

I KNOW YOUR CRIMES, CIPHER. TAKING A NEW HOME WILL NOT MAKE UP FOR THE ONE YOU’VE LOST. WHAT YOU DID TO THE COUNTLESS SOULS OF EUCLYDIA- Cipher stopped in his tracks. YOU CHOOSE YOUR WORDS VERY. CAREFULLY. Ciphers henchmen murmured amongst each other, confused. They seemed to have heard conflicting stories about Bill’s past. “You said you liberated the people of your dimension-” LIBERATED THEM FROM THEIR BODIES! DONT LISTEN TO HIM! HE’S A BABY!

Can you see how HUGE the potential is?

What I believe for now is that:

Jheselbraum figured out what Bill really did to his home dimension (i.e. destroying everything and not “liberating” it, as he said to his Henchmaniacs)

She started to actively find ways to stop him from doing the same thing again

She “ratted him out” with Bill’s new potential puppets on Earth

Bill found out she didn’t just rat him out, but found out the truth about Euclydia too and that’s what led to her escaping

She settled closer to a 2D world - maybe to learn more about Bill, maybe because she knew Ford would’ve appeared there

And speaking of that, we have the message on thisisnotawebsitedotcom under the code SEVENEYES:

This is something someone else wrote to her. Someone who told her to escape to a crossed-out Dimension (who guesses that the crossed-out thing was the number 52?). Someone who told her it was against the rules, but it was also the only way to escape him (aka Bill).

And from her code, you can find out the other criminals found new homes as well.

In other words, we have a hidden spy story, in which someone helped Jheselbraum escape from Bill and, in turn, she helped all others escape Bill.

If you don’t want a book about her, about her story as Bill’s henchmaniac and about this whole thing, you are a huge. Fucking. Liar.

_______________________________

And with that, let’s close part 1 of this umpteenth endless analysis. The next one will come soon and it will be all about Billford.

Yes, I know I already talked about Billford here, but we still haven’t talked about the details in TBOB and Bill’s perspective on it. Also, it’s always nice to talk about Billford.

See you soon~

-> Next post

(How about a coffee? ☕)

_______________________________

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[pocket-jack]

Hey, guys! I decided to torture myself before sleep beacause... Why not? So, here's KidKiller's rough sheets with some headcanons I have for the guys (probably with a lot off mistakes cus my browser refuses to fix them for me)

Kid time, baby

I draw him differently now. I know his face looks more... diamond shaped in anime, but I can't get rid of his square coded energy, so... Heart-shaped it is!

When he recieved his eye scar he didn't lose the ability to see, but now it get's dry really fast and if he won't do something about it it'll gonna ache.

He had multiple piercings on his ear, but his powers just kept pulling them and one day almost ripped his ear of, so he (with a manly tears) decided to take them off.

I headcanon him wearing a corset, because he's a little chubby and he can't get rid of this extra fat (not with his appetites). Also everytime when he takes it off, not only he's forced to look at his hanging stomach, but he's also has to fight off Killer. Killer's only dream was for Kid to be well fed and happy.

Nor his, nor Killer's sexuality is defined by them, but actually based out of other's observations. Kid is pansexual because he's kinda gender blind. For him it's confusing that you're weak just because you have tits and extra hole between your legs. He's also demiromantic. Both of those preference he acquired during Kutsukku (where you couldn't trust anyone, even your lover. And where the gender norms were the least of your concerns)

He also have undiagnosed ADHD which mostly give him extra impulsivity and also now the metal can speak (thank ye, neurodivergency!). Sometimes it's stresses him the hell off, especially during Kutsukku. He could not sleep because of all of this buzzing he kept hearing from EVERYWHERE. Now he can control it, but sometimes it returnd and he has to suffer.

Metal also responds to his hidden emotions. It may float when he thinks, reflects or remembering something. It may rumble when he's angry, concerned, scared. Or it may form something if he's happy, in love or something like that.

He's hard rock kinda guy, we all know this, but I headcanon him as a music lover in general (so whatever makes his brain go bzzt, mostly rock). I find Thrown a couple of month ago and it's sounds like something Kid would like (probably even kin, esp Backfire). MSI is a basic thing for him to have (every punk need at least one song in their playlist). I guess not every person will understand it, but Пшлнхй is such a Kid coded song (Every Russian proverb, but one part is just sending you to fuck yourself is something that Kid would do irl. The chorus is just... mmm)

Killer, my beloved!!!!

I love headcanoning him as androgenous. He has a feminine features: oval shaped face, eyes with big eyelashes, even his lips is a little softer than the average male lips. That is the main reason why he hid his face, because everyone would bully him fot it when he was young. Killer was confused with a girl a lot during his time on Kutsukku.

During timeskip he strained a lot of muscles just to get stronger. He was neglecting himself most of the time, because he had a mission: to become stronger so he'll never fail to protect Kid ever again. They also been really distant during their training. Only when Killer hurted his arm they bounded again. Kid was surprisingly a good mentor for his healing. Probably because their trauma was almost the same

When he's wearing a mask he usually get's his hair out of the way so it wouldn't mess with his vision

Pre timeskip he wanted to work on his style, feeling obliged to do so, cus his crew was dressing up in colorful styles. He choose to fit into more West Bluish kinda style (cowboy boots and pants). But then anxiety hitted him and suddenly he felt too vissible and everyone was looking at him and... Let's just say it wasn't a pleasant expirience for him. He just wanted to show that he was a part of the crew too, but now he feels himself too overreacting and dramatic and stuff. It took a lot of time for everyone to convince him that it wasn't about the look, but more about the comfort. With their support Killer started wearing something he likes more, and it felt fantastic. He actually started to like himself in the mirror a bit more after timeskip and then Wano happened

Killer is asexual beacuse of the amount of trauma he suffered during his childhood. I hc him having a low libido too. He's still feels romantic attraction (only for Kid), and if he asks, Killer will have sex with him without hesitation. But it's only for Kid, OR for his sake

It is so logical for him to have OCD. Just him casualy living and then the dread that if he won't do something usefull his crew will see how fucking usless and worthless he actually is and live him behind the same his parents did just suddenly hits him. Oh hey! Anxiety! Abandonment issues! This man will explode, please, give him a hug.

It got worse after Wano. He's doing bad things with his face and no one knows. Even Kid. (I love making them suffer for the sake of Hurt\Comfort)

I am 100% sure Killer is a Queen guy. It just gives me Killer vibes... The same with Elton John. And also... To fit in his pre timeskip cowboy vibes into the oven,,, He's actually like country rock alongside with glam rock. Barns Courtney is his favorate

So... How do you like my silly little headcanons? Maybe I post something about Heat and Wire too. Welp, I'm fainting out of exaustion, bye!

[m00ngbin]

can i PLEASE get a dramatic retelling of this prophetic dream. i absolutely need to know how mr. al dies

Why yes of course. I don't remember the majority of the dream, BUT I do remember the parts leading up to and right after he dies

Two of my friends, billymayslesbian and I were walking to downtown [city I live by] and when we get there we head down the main road because I'm hungry and in the dream there's a Thai restaurant that I really like. Otw to the restaurant we turn a corner and lo and behold: weird al and his 80s version doppelganger are hanging out with this crowd of screaming people. My friends go to talk to them but I hang back for a minute and so does billymayslesbian. Billymays starts getting like visibly enraged by the 80s Weird Al and they turn to me and theyre like. I have to fucking kill this guy. He has to go. You don't understand HE HAS TO GO. And I'm super freaked out and they're still explaining to me what they're going to do and I don't remember exactly what they said or the reasons for it

Wait first let me preface this with telling you that up until this point in the dream they were just some person. Normal human being. But to kill 80s doppelganger weird al they HAD to turn into the purple mob psycho alien. No way around it. There was a really really good reason for that but I can't remember why, I just know it was a good reason/sounded like one. Idk if it was like shifting blame after it happened or weird symbolism or what but it was so important that they were the purple alien when they did it

Anyways they start turning into the mob psycho alien and when they're done they don't seem angry anymore and they're VISIBLY more calm, they just have the blank :3 face, but then 80s weird al gets on (I remember this so vividly) a light blue bike that looked just like this and starts to ride away and suddenly alien billymayslesbian turns on a dime and shoots him dead in the street. In cold blood. The gun materialized out of nowhere and then disappeared immediately after. Anyways billymays stares at the corpse for a minute and then turns back into a human and walks over to talk to modern weird al like nothing happened and they didnt just kill his doppelganger. AND NOBODY AROUND US GIVES A SHIT THAT THEY JUST KILLED THAT GUY RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. And then what I remember of the dream ends as I'm walking over to modern weird al as well

80s doppelganger weird al looked like this btw

[lucky-clover-gazette]

prince's gambit highlights & annotations

chapter 19 and a half

(quoted BY HAND from the PAPER BOOK)

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Damen was happy.

i love that it starts like this. for the first time in the entire series, it really is that simple

He felt the warm, wonderful, impossible fact of the situation. Bed slave.

interesting subversion here. i love how it hovers over discomfort for the reader, like we get why damen is pleased by this, but we can't 100% be on board with the sentiment. demonstrates damen's tendency to look away from the unpleasant in favor of the pleasant, even when those things overlap

'Come back to bed,' said Damen. 'I, said Laurent, and stopped.

ooooh he got the laurent speechless "i" with that one. laurent's probably feeling some shame and disbelief and maybe some dissociation? which makes the fact that damen takes his hand after this even better. it helps to ground him

'I—thought to towel you down.' The sweetness of it was startling. He realised with a little pulse of his heart that Laurent meant it. He was used to the ministrations of slaves, but it was an indulgence beyond any dream of decadence to have Laurent do this.

i think laurent's need to be clean after sex is a trauma/shame thing, so him offering the same to damen is almost a weird kind of protectiveness? like "it makes me feel better and safe after this overwhelming thing, and i want you to feel that way too." it's sweet in a different way from damen's understanding, or i guess just a deeper one.

Laurent had indeed taken care of matters, and had removed any evidence of their activities from his appearance. He did not look like someone who had just been fucked. Laurent's post-coital instincts were remarkably self-denying.

see comment above

'I lack," said Laurent, "the easy mannerisms that are usually shared with,' you could see him pushing the words out, 'a lover.' 'You lack the easy mannerisms that are usually shared with anyone,' said Damen.

i am so sad that this exchange isn't in the original book, because it's one of my favorites in the entire series. it pulls together so many thematic and character beats at one, with the book's consistent poignancy and humor. it's a great example of pacat's subtle dramatic irony and damen's corresponding lovestruck distraction from the truth. damen isn't being neglectful by misunderstanding laurent, he's accidentally manifesting a safe place for them both to be silly and strange and loving despite all the things he doesn't understand. which is what laurent really needs, to see that he can be loved and trusted, even if he's realizing this while actively caught up in his own lie.

also i'm a sucker for affectionate teasing.

'You thought of it?' 'You kissed me,' said Laurent. 'On the battlements. I thought of it.'

the contrast of damen looking at laurent in book 1 chapter 1 and thinking immediately "he'd be a very expensive sex slave" and laurent only starting to consciously think about damen in a sexual way after they kissed in the end of book 2...

Laurent was silent, as he fought an internal battle. Damen felt the quality of his stillness, the moment when he pushed himself to speak. 'You were different,' said Laurent. It was all he said. The words seemed to come from a deep place in Laurent, eked out from some core of truthfulness.

different from [redacted?] i sure hope so

'You can call me by my given name,' said Laurent. 'If you like.' 'Laurent,' he said.

LET'S GOOOOOO

gonna be a while until we get a 'damen' from laurent, but that's okay, i like the fact that i thiiiiink it comes after the reveal? and kind of a synthesis of the disconnected damen and damianos currently in laurent's head

'I'm not afraid of sex,' said Laurent. 'Then you can do as you like.' And that was the crux of the matter, it was suddenly clear from the look in Laurent's eyes. It was Damen's turn to hold himself still. Laurent was looking at him as he had since he had returned to the bed, dark-eyed and on the cusp. Laurent said, 'Don't touch me.' He was expecting... he wasn't sure what he was expecting. The first hesitant brush of Laurent's fingers against his skin was a shock. There was an odd sense of inexperience in Laurent, as though the role was as new to him as it was to Damen. As though all of this was new to him, which made no sense. The touch on his biceps was tentative, exploratory, as though it was something new to be marked out, the span of it, the shape of the curved muscle. Laurent's gaze was traveling over his body, and he was looked in the same way that he touched, as if Damen was new territory, unexplored, that he couldn't quite believe was under his command.

at the risk of exposing too much about myself, i will just say... real. and to see an approach like this depicted as endearing rather than unattractively strange is nice. some of this analysis gets a little too close to personal stuff that i'm not going to share, but i know why a lot of it hits and why it's helpful to me as a writer and a person to analyze.

also, just beautiful writing here. so little dialogue says so much, and the stream-of-consciousnesses from damen is perfect.

'He hadn't given himself over to sensation, he'd caught it up in an internal struggle.'

yeah.

Dark-eyed, as though touch was to him an extreme act.

from damen's perspective, it simply isn't. but to laurent, and a reader like me... man.

Laurent said, 'I didn't think anyone was good enough to get past your guard.' 'One person,' said Damen.

okay i get that damen was aiming for a double meaning here about laurent, but i do also want to make an almost certainly incomplete list of people who we know, at some point in this series, have gotten past damen's emotional and/or physical guard (whether to hurt him, seduce him, connect emotionally with him, or all of the above):

kastor

jokaste

the regent

laurent

nicaise

ancel

aimeric

kashel

erasmus

Then Laurent's gaze lifted—not to his own, but to the collar. His fingers lifted to touch the yellow metal, his thumb pressing into the nick. 'I haven't forgotten my promise. That I'd take off the collar.'

i think this is the exact moment where laurent's cognitive dissonance starts to irreversibly crumble. irreversibly, because he can't bring himself to keep reinforcing it. he knows who damen is, and what he did, and he still wishes to show him honor. i think he wishes for a lot more than that, but doesn't believe it's something he deserves. he still doesn't plan to tell the truth, probably for damen's sake more than his own, which is a kindness within itself. but i think laurent is accepting that damianos is damen, and in this moment at least, he feels at peace about it.

of course then nicaise happens and damen sticks around and laurent gets tortured and then they have to co-parent an army and shit just gets REALLY complicated in general, and then laurent does not feel peaceful about it at all. but right now, in the simplicity of damen's inevitable departure, i do think laurent feels a saddened kind of peace and acceptance of who damen really is: damianos the prince-killer, and damen, his lover. who he will love in return by setting him free.

'In the morning, you said.' 'In the morning. You can think of it as baring your neck to the knife.' Their eyes met. Damen's heartbeats were behaving oddly. 'I'm still wearing it now.' 'I know that.'

i'm intrigued by what they're really saying here. i'm mostly stuck on "you can think of it as baring your neck to the knife." laurent's comment could be a reference to previous dialogue, damen saying that he's only let his guard down for one person. as in, laurent's saying that he knows he's that person, and damen can think of laurent freeing him as removing the guard that laurent has both managed to reinforce and get past (the collar was literally a guard, in the case of the battle where it saved his life, and figuratively in many instances where his station as slave protected him). without the collar, and laurent's figurative protection, damen will find himself significantly more vulnerable than before—baring his neck to the knife of... life.

meanwhile, i think damen just wants another round while he can still have it. so he reminds laurent that he doesn't need to worry about that shit until the morning

(also: OH MY GOD. "BARING YOUR NECK TO THE KNIFE." NICAISE.)

His touch, once there, made its inevitable discovery. 'Overconfidence?' said Laurent. 'It's not—to a purpose.' 'I seem to recall otherwise.' Damen was halfway to being pushed down onto his back, with Laurent kneeling in his lap. 'All that self-restraint,' said Laurent.

hooray for another round of "sam tries to figure out what the fuck the dialogue has to do with the actual sex!" here's what i came up with:

l: (finds that damen is physically keen) (in the context of telling damen he's not allowed to touch, allowing laurent to do whatever he wants) you think i'm going to do anything about that for you?

d: it's there, but it doesn't mean that i want/need you to do anything you don't want to do

l: (choosing to take the literal meaning, instead of what damen actually meant, to deflect from his own discomfort) there have been plenty of times where you've clearly wanted to get off adjacent to me before (makes intent to fuck known) you must be restraining yourself so much

As Laurent leaned in, Damen unthinkingly lifted a hand to his hip to help balance him. And then realised what he had done. He felt Laurent's awareness of it. His hand was singing with tension. On the boundary of what was permitted. Damen could feel the shallowness of Laurent's breathing. But Laurent didn't pull away, instead, he inclined his head. Damen leaned in slowly, and, when Laurent didn't draw back, he pressed a single soft kiss to column of Laurent's neck. And then another.

He wanted to slide his hands up over Laurent's body. He wanted to see what would happen if this gentle attention was lavished on all of him, one part at a time, to see if he'd relax for even one, if he'd slowly begin to come apart, giving himself over to pleasure, the way he hadn't quite allowed himself to do at any moment except the climax, coming with flushed cheeks under Damen's thrusts. He didn't dare move his hand. His entire world seemed to have slowed, to the delicate shuddering of breath, the skitter of Laurent's pulse, the flush of Laurent's face and throat. 'That—feels good," said Laurent.

Laurent had forgotten himself enough to start moving against him. There was not even anything practiced about it, just a closed-eye seeking after pleasure. It was a shock to realise in the slight tremors, the flickering of breath, that Laurent was close, and how close he was, that he could come from being kissed, and this slow back-and-forth.

Maybe Laurent had always been this sensitive to tenderness.

it would make sense that the mindfucker supreme would also be supremely mindfucked, if he actually allowed someone to affect him in that way :)

That's it, Damen wanted to coax, and did not know if the words would be condescending.

a good call not saying it. praise kink would drive laurent insane, but probably not in a good way given his specific trauma. too close to past stuff, and hard to distinguish earnest sweetness from condescension

still hot though, which is probably part of why pacat included it in thought form

His own body was growing closer than he would have believed possible, from the feel of Laurent against him.

sex god fucking-since-he-was-thirteen damen discovering new orgasm strats from the traumatized not-quite-a-virgin-but-close laurent

Damen was smiling helplessly. 'That was adequate.' 'You've been waiting to say that.'

it wasn't even cleverly placed he just wanted to be a part of the bit 😭 and laurent is so fucked out that he can only half-heartedly mock him for the poor execution

'Let me.' Rolling him over and towelling him down, softly.

this sex scene literally has an arc. at the start: laurent doesn't even ask, just helps himself clean up, and offers the same to damen. is dissociated and unsure about what they've done. at the end: damen cleans laurent and laurent lets him, after giving himself to damen sexually and genuinely experiencing pleasure in his body.

'You can,' said Laurent, after a moment, meaning something else entirely. 'You're half-asleep.' 'Not quite.'

laurent assuming that he owes damen sex is so sad, but it also makes sense. and the fact that he doesn't take damen's respect of his consent and sleepiness seriously, because he's never been led to consider his own consent an important factor in whether or not he gets fucked. it's incredibly sweet to have this deeply erotic and gratifying moment for laurent where he doesn't actually have sex, because he doesn't need to, and that's respected and okay and portrayed just as lovingly and passionately as the actual sex.

Order me to stay, he wanted to say, and couldn't. Laurent was twenty years old, and the prince of a rival country, and even if their nations had been friends, it would have been impossible.

okay, but you just thought a few chapters ago that you could have totally courted him in those conditions. don't convince yourself you can't have this, that's what laurent literally just learned not to do in bed (very clever juxtaposition, by the way). i hope that someday these dumbasses can both manage to be honest with themselves at the same time, but today is not that day

'Until morning,' said Laurent. After a moment he felt Laurent's fingers come to rest on his arm, curling there slightly.

i think it's really unfortunate that this scene is not included in all versions of the book, although i do recall sex scenes in book 3 covering similar arcs/character development territory. but still. beautiful scene and i love them very much, and it also makes the nicaise stuff coming up feel even worse, and laurent's subsequent regression even more sad :(

[sarahvincere]

I quite like using Tumblr because there's not a lot of people here to judge or hurt me.

I can scream into the void without fear of repercussion or someone dramatically changing my words.

well today I almost got cancelled.

but like on a niche... fanartist scale. y'all know what HSR is right? so I did a drawing on my alt on TWITTER (my first mistake) with 5 followers. FIVE! i didn't think anything would happen. then it blew up. hello?? like??

anyways since it was just a quick, warmup study to my 5 followers I didn't think anything would happen, and forgot to credit the artist who's work I studied.

and so they dmed me asking for credit and for me to change my pfp a couple days ago, but I legitimately just didn't see their dm. I didn't get a notification for the dm request or anything.

then they threatened to go public with it. but again, I just hadnt seen their dm yet. and they're a big artist, okay, and this is fucking honkai star rail you KNOW the community is toxic. and it's on twitter. so it's like twice as bad.

and I keep thinking, what if I had never accidentally clicked on the dm tab? what if I hadnt seen the message on time?

I've been having a panic attack. bad, this time. just within a month or so I started getting them almost everyday. and it was exactly when I started trying to grow my twitter.

the last time I had a panic attack before this was over 5 years ago. I was a very laid back and chill person before all this. now I'm just paranoid.

and I'm so fucking scared of getting cancelled. I'm way too fucking sensitive for this shit. I'm not cut out for fame or having any eyes on me. I'm not made for this shit. I can take hate comments or insults or criticism. I don't care about any of that.

but getting cancelled fucks up me getting into a good college! and it potentially fucks up my life!! what if I get doxxed? then it's not just me but my whole FAMILY that's in danger.

another funny story is that I'm not allowed to have any social media for that exact reason. I'm not allowed to even have a fucking phone and I'm SIXTEEN. when I was younger, this used to really tick me off. but I get it now.

if I could, I would chase my dreams of being an artist without social media. I hate how much I rely on it.

I'm so tired of the internet as a whole, really. I shouldn't be fucking scared to ruin the rest of my life just because I did a study. a 20 minute warmup sketch before I started painting.

no shade to the artist that dm'd me, I get it. it's rough out here, and you need to fight for your work to be seen and appreciated. I'm not mad or anything. I understand completely.

I'm just tired of how social media makes me feel. I don't even fucking use it other than to post once a day. even THAT drains me.

[dealingdreams]

The Acolyte s01e01 : Lost/Found

I'm going to put all my thoughts as I go into this one post, and at the end summarize some of my thoughts over the whole episode.

Also before you get any further just an fyi obviously there will be spoilers for this episode but I have already watched the whole season so I'll be referencing things later revealed so proceed with caution.

Notes while watching:

Mae's outfit is so fucking cool. I love the subtle pattern on her cloak.

She does crack me up...she's so dramatic 'attack me with all your strength'

I love this when Indara says 'the Jedi do not attack the unarmed' and Mae's response is 'yes, you do' what an efficient way of peeking interest into what this conflict is about.

I also idk. I don't know how to explain this well but...I don't like when shows make their characters unnaturally gifted. Like Indara has been doing this for a long time so her fight skill would have been better than Mae's so I like that it indeed was yaknow. Mae however, doesn't fight fair which also love.

Osha waking up and putting her hand over her heart...right where Indara was stabbed. I think this was the first real sign that Osha might feel like she hasn't been accessing the force she still is very connected to it.

Little hints at what to come there with the trade federation needing shields prepared. Love to see it.

Osha is so snarky.

Osha is doing an illegal job btw

She does seem genuinely happy to see Yord. It kinda what makes him reaching for his saber even more upsetting.

Sol's quote 'close your eyes, your eyes deceive you' really fucks me up when you think about how that's exactly what Sol's eyes did. He saw something he didn't completely understand, he had good intentions but ultimately he let it blind him.

I like the texture they did to Vernestra's makeup

I do like that Sol immediately was in Osha's corner.

I think Osha's kindness is so sweet. she immediately was concerned for that prisoners wellbeing and saved his life when she could have just left him.

Amandla's scream is so good.

Sol saying let me take accountability is interesting. I think he always was caught between genuinely believing he did the right thing and knowing he was in the wrong. I don't think you need to justify your actions if you genuinely think you were right yaknow.

Yord steaming his cloak cracks me up.

'as above sits the stars, and below lies the sea. I give you you, and you give me me' very as above so below vibes. I feel like the twins might be destined to remain on opposite sides.

I don't think Sol remotely thought Mae was dead when Jecki asked him.

Yord is that know it all in your intro to sociology class.

I think Osha slipping was more to show us her disconnection with the force.

"the Jedi live in a dream. A dream they believe everyone shares. If you attack a Jedi with a weapon you will fail. Steel or laser are not threat to them. But an Acolyte an Acolyte kills without a weapon. An acolyte kills a the dream."

See, I think everything The Stranger says is layered. He's talking about killing without a weapon but also that it's more than the physical death of the Jedi...but the dream as well. This idea of the Jedi supremacy, that they are so powerful. That only the Jedi can access the force. Anyone Killing a Jedi without the use of a weapon would ultimately show that there are others that are capable of using the force.

Anyways so thoughts:

I think this episode was immediately engaging. I really enjoyed how the set up the characters...layed some hints on what is to come. Overall I think it is a solid pilot episode.

Also I think it's heartbreaking that Osha has so much faith in the Jedi but aside from Sol they all were very much convinced of her guilt from the jump. Sure her having a twin wasn't in her file but they had her convicted before they even really investigated it.

Amandla carried herself just a bit different for Mae than with Osha and I adore that. She is so amazing.

Anyways love it...I also think this is the type of show that gets better with every rewatch it's so rich.

[top-pleng]

here's my pitch for the next FayeYoko series inspired by Faye saying she wants to play a "bad boy" and Yoko saying she wants her next character to be a bit more mature (not a high school/college student).

Yoko isn't exactly a mean girl in Reverse 4 You since it seems like a case of gossip and rumors blowing things out of proportion, but I thought she did good at coming across as intimidating! in that bitchy, college clique sort of way. And after how sweet Aneung was ... I think it'd be cool if Yoko's next character was maybe an Ice Queen type character.

The classic trope of a rich, stuck-up, and snobby woman who takes work too seriously and looks down on everyone around her? Maybe sort of like Sam from GAP, but even more so, and because Yoko is a bit younger I don't think she could be a CEO but maybe the daughter of CEO who has high aspirations of taking over the company. If I were to compare her to a character, the closest I can think of to what I am imagining is Yoon Se-ri from the kdrama Crash Landing on You. I just love it when female romance leads are kind of assholes but when you learn more about them... you understand why they are that way!!! Anyway, Yoko's character is a bit "bitchy," serious, cold, snobbish, and highly ambitious. But she does have a sensitive side that she keeps well hidden. She's also absolutely not about that romance life, there's no room in her heart for love until she completes her mission!, so when she falls for Faye's character she ends up being a bit of a tsundere. :P

Anyway, Faye's character is going to be some form of gangster. She's grown up on the streets and she's lived a life of hardened crime. She has scars and tattoos and she's the leader of some gang/mafia type organization. She's similar to Yoko's character in that she's also rather cold and comes across as "mean" and "threatening," but both of them are hiding sensitive sides to themselves. She's a lot more rough compared to Yoko's "primness" and she has an edgy, cruel sense of humor.

Anyway, how do these two very different characters meet? I'm glad you asked :)

Yoko's character's father died under mysterious circumstances when she was young and her uncle took over the company. As she tries to reclaim her father's company, it leads to a chain of events that can only be described as a complete shit show as it turns out that her uncle had her father killed and was the company has since been used for nefarious purposes with this mob group. Faye's character is dealing with complicated gang street warfare conflicts as she doesn't know who she can trust within her own organization. A rival gang is trying to have her killed, but she isn't sure if she can trust the people within her own gang. Faye's character also has a tragic backstory related to Yoko's character's company which will be revealed midway through the series for a dramatic cliffhanger.

but anyway, both Faye and Yoko's characters end up crossing into each other's orbit because of corporate espionage and gang conflict and they need to learn to rely and trust one another in order to achieve their goals... and along the way... they fall in love :)

is this tropey as fuck? yes. is the plot hanging by a thread that isn't quite tied yet? also yes. but would it be hot as fuck and be the perfect series for me? also yes!

Anyway, that's my dream GL series for them. pls I want my lesbian gangster mafia drama 😭😭😭

[thesungod]

Hello I would like your opinion and all possible spoilers for will nico book pls I don’t want to read it but I wanna catch up 🙏

hello anon! prepare yourself for my unadulterated, raw opinion and be warned: it’s not pretty.

BIG SPOILERS AND HARSH HARSH NEGATIVITY UNDER THE CUT please don’t read if you don’t enjoy hating and being mean let yourself have fun if you liked the book <33

So.

Let’s start with this: I had the BEST INTENTIONS about this book. Yeah, I bullied the preview like anyone else, but I had really been intrigued by Nico’s dream sequence and I do love, despite everything I say, Solangelo. Nico has been one of my favourite characters for my entire life and I have wanted a book about him ever since I was 12.

You see how much was at stake for me to enjoy this book?

And I didn’t.

I didn’t, because this book SUCKS.

First of all 1) This shit was boring. Like, I’m sorry. Believe me, it breaks my heart to say something like that because Nico?? BORING??

But yeah. I dare anyone to tell me something actually meaningful that happens in the first half of the book. Will getting coffee on his shirt? The Percabeth pep talk? (And I’m quoting). The infinite, repetitive dream sequences that did nothing for me because they were, you know, infinite and repetitive?

There was also constant reiteration of things that had already happened in previous books, both in the form of dreams and flashbacks, both because the authors never let anything be implied or understood by the reader on their own. Every single thought and feeling and past experience of Nico is shouted at us ad nauseam because god forbid we forget loneliness is part of him and he could never be loved and his sister died and and and.

It’s almost like Mark and Rick browsed the online pjo fandom, took a look at all the things we like about Nico and said “hey, what if we constantly make him think and say exactly those things with an off-putting self awareness and a dramatic tone? I’m sure people will love that!”

I finally thought we were going somewhere with them getting caught stealing by Persephone (yeah that happens) but it transformed into yet another tirade about love and friendship and how important they are. Which brings me to the second point.

2) Someone put tape in the mouth of every single character in this book. I’m so serious.

How many endless, therapy-talk, this-is-an-adult-speaking-not-a-weird-teenager conversations did we get? I don’t know. A million?

I’m reading a fantasy book. Do I need to be reminded about the importance of healthy boundaries and communication every time I turn the page?

I know, I know. The book is for kids and kids need to learn that friendship is magic and whatever.

But, yk, PJO and HoO and ToA are for kids too and while they have their flaws, I never felt like they were giving me a lecture.

This book was downright insufferable. I didn’t have pure, unadulterated fun for a single moment and it wasn’t because I had outgrown the target, which would have been a much more understandable reason, but because it was so slow and didactic and moralistic and lacked any humor except a couple of forced meta jokes. It was fucking sad.

And that serves me point 3 right on a silver platter.

3) Will and Nico have 0 chemistry and I wanted to beat the shit out of them

Seriously when did these two start hating each other. When did they start giving “why are we together” energy. I don’t get it. What happened.

They were so great in the Tower of Nero. They were fun, and colourful, and dynamic, and different, and teenagers, but also you could see that they were two people going through a lot. It didn’t feel as if Nico’s trauma was cheapened just because he occasionally enjoyed spending time with his boyfriend.

In this book… I mean, we get told they are in love. We get told approximately a million of times.

But what we are shown is two people constantly on the brink of beating each other with sticks. We didn’t get one big explosive stress fight, or the resurfacing of a couple of buried issues, as I expected. What we got was an exhausting death by a thousand cuts where Nico was angry at Will for breathing (seriously, count how many times the words annoyed or irritated are said about Nico in regards to his boyfriend) and Will apparently doesn’t understand Nico at all after a year of dating.

Basically, Nico is constantly mad at Will because Will doesn’t like the Underworld and never fails to make it known, while the Underworld is Nico’s home, and that could have been a kind of potentially interesting point of conflict if it hadn’t become draining at page 20. Was it realistic? I mean, I guess!! But that doesn’t mean I wanted to see that shit the entire time.

This was an urban fantasy book for middle schoolers!!! I wanted to have fun!! I didn’t have fun!!!

How could anyone ever have fun with a 400 page long account of two idiot teenagers getting on each other’s nerve with the occasional therapy communication-kiss-therapy communication-kiss interlude? NOT ME.

If that’s you, good for you, truly. But how is this Percy Jackson? Percy Jackson built an empire on being funny and cheeky in an effortless way and ToA followed suit, no matter what personal gripe one may have against the series. HoO is a bit of a wild card, but it was never close to being this flat and depressing. Not. Even. Close.

And as if two protagonists who I used to love being a giant pain in my ass wasn’t enough, the meager plot one can occasionally find between a dream sequence and a flashback and a stupid argument and a conversation about how humanity is love or whatever isn’t even compelling or engaging.

4) And are the interesting new characters in the room with us, Rick?

The only bad guy of the book is Nyx. Nyx is bad because she’s Darkness. She was born Bad and will die Bad and she’s Baddy McBad.

But don’t worry if the villain underwhelms you, because we will meet new interesting characters too!

… yeah, no.

We won’t.

Again. This is a kids’ book.

But. Have we forgotten Percy Jackson is for middle to high schoolers? Like, I know of people enjoying it well into their 20s because it’s nice fun. When did it become for 2 year olds?

Let’s leave aside the fact that Nyx’s motive makes little sense (no worries anon, we will be talking about this later) because there’s no way she cares this much about Nico Di Angelo. Not even I care this much about Nico Di Angelo and he’s been my entire personality ever since I was eleven. Be fucking for real. You’re not that guy, pal.

Any other character who’s not Nyx that is shown is sweet and kind and is changing and is in love and has been to therapy and loves other people. I could have vaguely accepted this (honestly, ToA often worked on a very similar premise), if it hadn’t meant making every single person or monster or whatever Will and Nico meet painfully boring. Literally fucking blank states.

I spent the whole book begging for Apollo to show up just so that someone could admit to drowning his ex in a bathtub and make a sex joke immediately after, because no one else was doing anything remotely cool whatsoever.

Even Persephone and Hades became Disney characters and wistfully raved about the power of love. What. The. Fuck.

It’s so wrong because ToA did the whole “love is everywhere, humans (and creatures) are cool” thing so much better while its characters still managed to have a personality, or were at the very least funny, and some were even villains.

This was all so blah.

Okay, now. Prepare yourself anon. Get a seat. Get a drink.

5) The finale.

Super short summary: Nyx wants Nico Di Angelo to live in Tartarus with her because Nico is special and unique and no one is like him. She makes babies out of his worst nightmares and traumas (because she can… do that, I guess?) and tries to guilt him into staying.

Yeah I know that this is weird as fuck but stay with me.

Nico Di Angelo is special and unique and has the power of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on his side, so he tells her to fuck off AND keeps the trauma babies, without any sacrifice required at all. If you’re asking yourself what role Will has in this, it’s zero. Zilch. He was literally useless for the actual plot, but we’ll get to that later.

After escaping Tartarus with Bob, Small Bob, Will and trauma babies, Nico finds out this entire thing has been plotted by Hades, who faked a whole prophecy to send his own son back to Tartarus and save Bob, because he knew Nico could do it and he loves Bob or whatever. Hades also hugs Nico and tells him he’s proud of him because he’s special and unique, and for some incomprehensible reason that I’m still attempting to concoct Nico doesn’t kick his ass for it.

He re-traumatised Nico just to get Bob out of Tartarus (because his voice was bothering him or whatever) but… I guess that’s okayyy?

I’m not going to comment any further on Nyx and trauma babies because frankly it’s just plain weird. Like I don’t even know what to say, except that it seems kind of far-fetched for a primordial goddess to do all that for Some Guy. I do have something to say against the Some Guy, though.

6) Someone sucker punch Nico, please.

Never have I ever seen a character act like such a dumb asshole for the entire run of a book while somehow being worshipped for being the Best Person Ever.

You know what was great about Nico? The fact that the books weren’t constantly yelling at you that HE IS GOOD HE IS GOOD HE IS GOOD HE IS GOOD LOOK AT HIM BEING GOOD DOING A THANKLESS JOB BECAUSE HE’S GOOD. You just kinda had to put 2 and 2 together. He acted like he wanted nobody and cared for nobody but we, the readers, called bullshit because everything he did went against that narrative. And when he was outed in HoH, we all said “oooooh”. Him loving Percy made so much more sense than him hating Percy, because his actions spoke louder than his words.

He was a kid, and he was going through it, but he was never completely won over by the bad side because he cared too much about people, even when they didn’t care about him. To quote myself, Nico has never won the idgaf war.

Well, in this book he won the idgaf war. He treated Will like shit, which we’ll attribute to nerves. His thoughts about dead people desperately looking for redemption or release were disturbingly unsympathetic, and he just did things without ever thinking of the consequences for others.

To be fair, this wasn’t a total 180 for him: Nico was previously shown to be touchy and defensive (hence the being mean to Will, who occasionally makes the grave mistake of expressing a thought that isn’t overwhelmingly positive on the literal worst place on the planet), cold (him killing Bryce and Octavian etc) and impulsive. Character flaws, we love them!!

Except that the final moral of the book is that Nico is The Best Person Ever Who Never Asked For Anything In Return For His Whole Complete Goodness And Now Gets An Army Of Little Trauma Babies Who Worship Him.

Ummm… Nico canonically commited murder? Hello?

Sure, he was never Bad, and Love Was In His Heart and all, but the entire point of his character arc was deciding that love was enough. Nico has, again and again, flirted with the bad guys, and been sketchy. He’s not PJO’s Jesus, and this last minute treatment of him was so weird.

We all wanted Nico to have a Win™️ , but it could have been anything less on the nose (NICO IS SO GREAT GUYS OMG) and it still would have been fine.

Also just… idk there’s something that rubs me the wrong way about pretending that pre-tsats Nico was trauma trauma trauma pain pain pain. Life is complex. Nico was a character that happened to go through things, not a character that things happened to with nothing else going for him.

What about Will, though? Well…

7) Will, get behind me.

Is he dumb? Yes.

Does he understand Nico perfectly? No.

Do I like him? The jury is out.

But he did not deserve this slander. Like, omg. He spent the book getting bullied and being useless in battles because he’s not a fighter and Tartarus makes Apollo’s kids weak (wow who would have thought!).

Nico made him cry, for fucks’ sake. A full on sob cry. Admittedly he had acted foolishly but damn.

He’s just a silly little guy, your honor😭

He also, inexplicably, didn’t expeditiously call his father or his mother or the firefighters or someone to kidnap Hades and flog him, despite the fact that Hades tortured his boyfriend for months and sent them both to Tartarus on a fake prophecy.

On a bright note, his pov was actually pretty okay.

So yeah, anon. This book is a pile of genuinely weird, kinda mean spirited and annoyingly moralistic garbage that created PJO Jesus, gave said PJO Jesus babies (?) shoved a couple of gay jokes in the middle of it as if I wouldn’t notice the rest, unwatered my crops, uncleared my skin, single-handedly managed to kill my PJO fixation that has been going on since middle school in six hours and kicked my dog on top of it.

Thanks for reading.

[0tenshi]

🌻Uncertainty, doubt, and Doing It Anyway

(This post is about my song Glass Pen.)

I am Kain Angel, and I write music a lot. I also write words a lot. I think having a blog like this might do me some good.

See, I'm a very positive person and I mostly stick to doing things that cause me the least amount of distress. The amount of time I can spend on these happier, calmer things tends to vary, but in general, I consider myself to be a hard worker. Personal struggles aside, I pride myself in my outward demeanor, I have joy in my vulnerability, and I enjoy making connections. For years, though, I had no real outlet for my need to befriend and to bring-joy-to. (This is a long way around saying I didn't have any friends.) Around November of 2019, I joined Twitter for the first time. After several attempts to form friendships during the pandemic, I gave up. I withdrew from the social side of the vocal synth scene in around 2022.

Ah, for every one positive descriptor I could ascribe to myself, I think I could name six or seven Human Connection Deterrents. Though I won't bore you with the self down-talking, one quality that I've tried to understand to no avail is my ability to become a being of pure paranoia shoved into a body of flesh given the right circumstances at the drop of a dime. It's a little bit funny how I tend to hinge so much of what I know to be true about myself on the thoughts of people I know that they may not even be thinking.

"Coursing through me’s an emergent urgent sense of dread

I can’t keep thinking ‘bout the thoughts inside a million heads"

Maybe it was quiet, and maybe it was a little lonely being so far from everyone I wished I could be like in a scene I had dreamed of being a part of for so long-- but, oh, nobody had the chance to have an opinion on me, positive or negative. As long as I was quiet, I could avoid the burden of Reputation, and whether I realized it or not, I had avoided the burden of Perception.

And then, oh...

OH...OH...........

WHAT THE FUCK

So anyways, have you heard of Machina Mori? It's my BABY. MY BEAUTIFUL ADACHI REI COLLABORATION ALBUM THAT IS COMING OUT IN FEBRUARY BTW... It's the thing that brought me to my friends, the thing that got me to where I am today, the thing that allowed me to gain confidence in myself as not only a person, but a leader as well!

(And, Uhm, I also almost shut it down a month in.)

Ah, this is probably surprising information to most of you, yes? I hadn't intended on telling this information to anybody but my close family and friends, but I figured, in my explanation of Glass Pen, I must discuss the feelings that caused me to write it in the first place.

"I can’t keep moving with this shrouding doubt I try to fight

But it consumes my waking thoughts and stalks me every night

It’s always telling me to run from something lovely, I

don’t think it’s like me to try"

Kain Experiences Being Percieved For The First Time (shocking)

I am a very scared and shaky person. I have also never been a leader before Machina Mori, being seventeen and also a rather passive person in general. Therefore, in never having tried before, I had also never failed. And I truly almost did. (This was a selfish thought.) After experiencing a deep-set mental health crisis at the very wrong time, I felt like I was doing everything the totally wrong way and felt the eyes of all of my peers still looking to me for the next move. I had drafted a six-seven paragraph letter to my team describing how I had effectively failed them and that I was shutting down the project. Obviously, three months later, MM still stands and is thriving more than ever before both internally and externally, but I was close. Damn, I was way too close. The letter in it's entirety is far too shameful to share, but hey, I can laugh about it now. I can be a little bit dramatic.

"Please call me credible so I can explain

with words falling empty in every space"

So, yeah, Glass Pen is about the time I almost shut down Machina Mori. Or, rather, it's about the crisis surrounding it. The crisis of perception; the crisis of newfound paranoia, of the fear of the words of those with me that I'll never read, and the knowledge that the emerging urgent sense of dread I had felt would eventually subside. Because, in gaining perception, I had gained love as well.

So, yeah, anyways, Machina Mori is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and nothing bad like what I had almost done is going to happen again, I guarantee. I recovered, I found strength in myself and my community, and I learned to face what I didn't know, what I couldn't control. (The thoughts of others.)

Of course, I still want you to love me (even though I know not everyone will). Of course, I still doubt myself. Of course, I'm still a scared, eccentric kid. But I feel better now. Yes.

~12/9/24

Thank You: Spade, Mage, Olay, and Tomi.

[onecentwriter]

Today is the first day of December and I’m thinking about the new year. I’m thinking about what I want to change about myself and I don’t want to sound pessimistic but if I wrote all this down I think I’d run out of paper. So I’ll just say it out loud and no one will ever have to think about this or me ever again. I realized it’s weird because I don’t know how to love anyone. My sister doesn’t call anymore because I never pick up and I guess I feel a little sad about that. But sometimes I remember being twelve years old and I’m tired and I’m scared and there’s a childproof bottle of ibuprofen on my bedside table that I can open in the dark and my sister is knocking at my door asking to play stuffies. We are only two and a half years apart but I am unimaginably older and it makes my heart cave in on itself.

I remember staying up for hours into the night because it was the only thing that gave me any sense of freedom. I was tired all the time and hungry and I ate too much and I had too much fat around my middle and my parents told me I needed to fix my diet. I have nice eyes and nice legs and nice hair sometimes and I guess that’s it. My friend had the perfect stomach and she used to do planks in my room while we watched TV. I don’t think she meant to be mean but I still think about it. She was the same friend I thought about kissing sometimes. She wasn’t my gay awakening but she was probably the first person I ever loved. We had every class together in high school. At sleepovers we would sprawl on her bed and pour our souls out. Souls are a lot heavier when you’re holding someone else’s and you always feel like you have to put it away before you do something stupid like stab it through the middle. Her eyes were the most terrible shade of blue because they were the same shade of blue as the sky. I look up and I can still smell her hair and her skin and I can still feel her heartbeat next to my ears. We said we’d go to college together and I haven’t spoken with her in six years.

I remember a lot of things now. I remember being a teenager curled around my phone reading fanfiction at two in the morning because maybe I can escape this world if I just try hard enough. Maybe it can all fade away. Maybe I can revolve my entire life around media so I don’t revolve it around myself because that’s selfish and I don’t want to think about myself anyways. I remember standing outside the door of my high school’s therapist with my hand against the wood and I remember walking away because I didn’t have the fucking time in my life to go the therapy. I remember being fourteen and failing my first test and thinking of ending it all. Do you think I am dramatic. Do you think it was not a big deal. What nobody will ever know is that my entire sense of self worth is balanced precariously on a pile of textbooks I have never opened. My whole life I’ve been smart enough to get by and god knows when the day comes I don’t know the answer to the question is the day I bury myself alive. Because what am I if not the smartest person in the room? The funniest? It’s awkward when nobody is laughing and when it gets awkward everyone can look at me a little closer. They can crawl under my skin and pick apart my bones and really, really understand me and that can’t happen. Because once I am seen nobody will actually love me anymore. They’ll see that I don’t know how to love. That I’m pretending. I tried to fake it till I made it but I haven’t made it yet and my head hurts. I still haven’t made it. It’s December and my dogs are getting older and my grades keep getting worse and there is less and less sun each day. It’s December and we’re going to Europe this Christmas and I can’t find it within myself to be excited and I think my mom knows and she definitely thinks I’m ungrateful. It’s December and I’m in six discord servers full of people I don’t know and I still dream of meeting my idols and having them tell me they’re proud of me and did you know parasocial sounds like parasitical and both of those words are tattooed on my skin by now. It’s December and I’ve realized I don’t really have a single friend who knows me. It’s December and I still haven’t made it. I still haven’t made it.

[bunnyanqel]

Playing Along (1)

[1] [2] [3] [4]

Summary: When Eddie comes to Maggie with that kicked-puppy look and sheepish boyish grin, she can't say no to helping him keep up the ruse he's been peddling out to some weed dealer. And, well, she just plain can't say no to those big brown eyes anyway.

Warnings: NSFW, smut, dirty talk, slight power imbalances, accidental voyeurism, public sex, exhibitionism, car sex, safe sex

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 also on AO3 ! 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

The only decent about Maggie’s job was Eddie Munson, aka the boss’s kid. While he technically was Wayne’s nephew, that didn’t make the taboo thrill any less. Something something power imbalances and all that nastiness.

Except there was nothing nasty about Eddie. Not at all. Bigger than life, theatrical, adorable—he was everything she wanted. And couldn’t have. Fuck.

Not for the first time, Maggie cursed this job. Sure, it paid the bills and made sure Hannibal, her ancient long-haired Persian, got fed but damn did it ruin her chances of shooting her shot with the star of her dreams, and wasn’t that a damn shame? Still, there were some merits, mainly the ease of her gig and the fact that, while she couldn’t ask him out, she could ogle a sweaty, grime-covered Eddie.

She couldn’t understand the way the Hawkins girls had turned up their prissy noses at an authentic, compassionate guy like Eddie but she supposed it was the dream of a white picket fence, bragging rights over her husband being a football player or something of the sort, and eight kids she never wanted.

If she were being honest, applying for the job had been a last-ditch effort to supplement her income when the bookstore she’d worked at went under. She’d been desperate but not desperate enough to allow some incompetent, half-brained white men to walk all over her like she was supposed to smile and be grateful that they deigned to allow her in their space. As luck had it, Munson Mechanics needed a receptionist, she needed a job, and the rest was history.

“Maggie! Maggie Mae! Light of my life, apple of my eye, goddess of dessert!”

The sound of Eddie’s voice cut through the cacophony of the mechanics working and it also made Maggie look up from her magazine. He approached with quick, buoyant steps and sprawled across the desk dramatically.

She’d have rolled her eyes if her heart wasn’t ready to pound out of her chest and if her pussy wasn’t clamping at his closeness. Somehow her lusty-filled crush had only bloomed bigger, and she could even decipher his footsteps. Like a fucking dog.

Christ.

She focused on Eddie’s theatrics. “What can I do for you, sugar?” she asked, watching as he twisted to his stomach and half-laid across the desk. So close she could smell his shampoo and feel the heat of his bare arms next to her fingers. Her stomach summersaulted.

Focus, you horny bitch. You can use your vibrator when you get home, she told her brain, even as she focused on his pretty, pink mouth and the way his nose crinkled when he scrunched it. To be truthful, she was surprised she could even form coherent when he looked at her with those big, brown eyes.

He straightened up from his reclined positioned and fixed her with an apologetic smile and fiddled with the paperweights and knick-knacks she had on the counter. It took every ounce of willpower not to drool over his nimble, dexterous fingers and even more to not beg him to put them inside of her.

“So, you know The Hideout, right?”

She nodded.

“My band—”

“Corroded Coffin.” She flashed him a smile when he faltered, looking more than a little surprised, and it made her want to suck him off. Right here. She ignored her pussy’s bitchy demands.

“I—uh, wow. You remembered.” Pink crept up his gaunt cheeks. “Anyway.” He cleared his throat. “One of the guy’s that’s there has been giving me shit, saying I couldn’t—couldn’t, uh—” He stopped and looked away, his brows furrowed over his eyes, that pretty pink flush darkening to a delicious burgundy-like color.

She wanted to kiss it and see how far down it went. “Couldn’t what, sugar?” she asked gently, and his throat bobbed as he swallowed, chewing the question. Rolling the words to explain. “Do I need to cut someone? I know southern hospitality and all that shit, but us southern gals know a thing or two about broken kneecaps.” She gave him a syrupy sweet smile.

“No, no!” He yanked at his hair before he whipped around to face her fully, his eyes wild and more than a little embarrassed, sheepish. Boyish. It was hard to remember he was still a young man and even someone as suave and debonair as him were liable to make mistakes. “I—I fucked up. I might’ve—maybe—sort of told him I have a smokin’ hot babe of a girlfriend.”

That didn’t explain why he was telling her. Don’t get her wrong, she knew she was attractive, but why would Eddie be telling her about his lie? “So you—I’m sorry, sugar, I really am, but I’m afraid I’m not following you’re line of thinking.”

“I was hoping—I was thinking that maybe, uh, you could—if you want to, I mean—” He fought to get the words out before he growled to himself and backed away for a second, scrubbing at his face.

That growl went straight to her swollen clit and right into the little folder labeled ‘Noises Eddie Makes That I’ll Masturbate To Later,’ which located next to her abundant memories of Eddie’s multitude of orgasm-causing expressions. It was largely those puppy dog eyes.

“I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend, Mags.”

Oh, that nickname melted her bones and made her heart skitter in her ribcage. And his request, earnest and a little unhinged with desperation, made her shift her hips slightly, grinding the seam of her arousal-wet panties into her clit to try to get even the smallest amount of relief. She knew as soon as she got home she was whipping out her vibrator and going to town because she knew she was going to agree.

Not because he was looking at her with those big, big brown eyes so beseechingly and wetly but because Eddie almost never asked for help. But also because she was flattered to high hell that she was the first—

“Why don’t you ask one of your little female friends? The older girls. Uh, Karen Wheeler’s girl and that Buckley girl.”

“Buckley’s…not available and neither is Nancy. Besides you’re the first person that came to mind when I think ‘smoking hot babe who’s willing to put up with me and my big mouth.’” He gave her a smile that creased his eyes and made his dimples come out, and yup, she was a sucker, a goner for this man.

She looked at him, taking in the long hands, the well-defined biceps, the lopsided smile, and gestured for him to come closer. He obeyed without hesitation, and she took his hand in one of hers, feeling the ridge of his fingers, the close-trimmed nails, the callouses from guitar playing. She wanted to put her mouth on his fingers, sucking and toying with him, but that was simply impossible.

He was asking her for a favor.

That was it.

She ran her thumb over one of his bare knuckles.

“You don’t have to, of course, if you really don’t—” He was babbling, chewing his bottom lip, anxious and sweet, and damn if she wasn’t determined to masturbate when she got home, well, now it was a given.

“I will. Don’t worry, sugar. I’ll treat you good. Pinkie promise,” she said, and because she was more than a little riled up, she licked her lips. Tasted her lip balm and saw how his eyes tracked the movement hungrily.

When he left, she almost laughed at the sight of his quick, please-don’t-notice-my-erection walk and stopped laughing immediately when she realized he’d been standing here, talking to her, with a goddamn erection.

Maybe tonight would be harder than she thought.

Maggie smoothed her sisterlocks back and examined her outfit with a critical eye, wondering if her outfit was sexy enough. A midriff-bearing halter top, low-rise leather pants that hugged her ass, and motorcycle boots. Her lipstick and nails matched—blood-red. Fuck, she felt like a vampiress, a vixen.

Frowning, she examined her breasts and readjusted her left one. While she usually avoided black, preferring lighter colors against her light-brown complexion, she looked like she belonged in the Underworld movies and damn did she look good.

It was just one night of acting, of playing Eddie’s besotted girlfriend. She could do that without ruining everything, right?

Catching sight of the time, she grabbed her car keys, turned her volume loud as fuck so she could ignore her nerves, and screamed along with the likes of Alesana, Hollywood Undead and Silverstein. Each song had her head banging—responsibly and safely of course—and slapping her steering wheel, and it wasn’t long before the turn to The Hideout came into view.

Shit was her first thought. Showtime was the second because she’d caught sight of Eddie’s familiar clunker of a van and the band members around him—Jeff, a Black boy with close-cropped hair; Gareth, a curly-haired white boy; and Sawyer, a behemoth, bearded white boy.

A chorus of greetings filled the air when she pulled into a parking spot and climbed out.

“Babe! You made it!” Eddie bounded over not unlike a Labrador and swept her into a bone-crushing hug, hands precariously close to her ass. “How’re you not cold?”

“Nerves,” she whispered low enough only he heard. When he set her back on her feet, she felt some strength leave her knees at the soft, melty look in his puppy-dog eyes. Pathetic—truly, she was pathetic with a capital P.

“I’m gonna be touching you all night,” he murmured close to her lips as his hands bracketed either side of her face, palms and fingers cold on her hot face, quiet enough that only she heard. “Is that okay? Like, hands on your ass and shit.”

“Yeah.” The idea of Eddie touching her, putting his hands all over her, shot through her like a gasoline fire, blazing and burning. Her lust-soaked brain conjured the most tantalizing images: his lips wrapped around her dark nipple, his fingers toying with her pussy, his cock inside of her and him braced above her. Shit. She needed to get a hold of herself.

He pulled back a fraction, his dark eyes serious, unsmiling, and she liked serious Eddie as much as she did dramatic Eddie. A shudder worked its way through her, all white-hot arousal. “You sure? Cause I don’t—” he started.

“Yup. One hundred percent certain.” She gave him a smile and watched as he stepped back, his familiar ever-smiling mask slipping back into place. She was still watching him when he turned to finish loading equipment into the bar, and caught sight of the low-hanging jeans, bearing too much of his boxers.

Tonight was going to be a testament to her will power when it came to Eddie. That much was a certain.

[cookies-over-yonder]

Taylor thoughts you say?👁👁

hiiii......👀👀👀👀

i'm putting a readmore

ummm these tags were a hit LMAO so i'm dropping them here too

yeah i. taylor has been my favourite character since the start and i have been determined to ANGST him HEIAEOUA9EJAS

when @llumimoon told me about taylor he instantly became my fave and i was like i need taylor angst and they told me he had the least angst so i was like THIS IS A JOB FOR ME and i think i'm living up to it HEOAOEIAIEOW

i find taylor interesting because i do think he is the most mentally sound of all the teens and i think his upbeat nature is completely real and natural and not a sort of "i'm masking my emotions 😍😍😍" kind of thing. like, i think taylor does fall victim to emotional repression but almost entirely unintentionally.

like taylor has a special interest in anime and all of this epic saving the universe stuff is totally up his alley because it's as if those plotlines have turned real and he's living through them. he's doing cool shit like slicing pizza people HEIAOEUA9EHQO4. and i think that to an extent what's happening around him hasn't really settled in as this is fucking real shit going down like i guess you could say he's got rose-coloured glasses on and the only stuff he's really acknowledging is the epic shit as opposed to the really fucked up shit.

this is also why i think so much about when nicky got sliced in half and taylor actually broke down for once and it kind of exposed the fact that everything that's happening is actually real. that's also why i wrote a fic about him having nightmares of exactly that here.

i think that everything hits taylor subconsciously first, because when he's awake and alert he's got those rose glasses on! in my writing i also really want to explore more of taylor experiencing ptsd symptoms and not knowing why.

like not just nightmares—in my tags above i mentioned hypervigilance. (i have ptsd myself but i always do research on the things that i write about as well.) taylor is a ranger and he's a survivalist and he's always got his weapons and his defense ane he's always prepared for anything ALREADY, so once shit gets even realer and it starts to sink in for him i think he would especially become victim to hypervigilance. i had started writing something about that as well.

i also think that it would be difficult for taylor to come to terms with how everything affects him mentally because of how absorbed he is in the anime protagonist dream he's living. i have some other writing ideas too and just the general thoughts of taylor starting to experience these side effects of trauma and not knowing why and also thinking it's strange because he's so absorbed in the fantasy and in the action anime he watches there isn't typically a heavy focus on the psychological affects of all the action and blood and death (this is not me saying all action anime is like that btw. im just saying that its not like action and battles have information about the psychological damage and trauma of it sprinkled in between all the time—it's mostly for dramatic effect or to move the plot) so he doesn't understand why those things are happening to him at all especially since he'd been totally fine hfujdjffuuf

anyways yeah ummm i will psychoanalyze taylor forever and i love getting asks about it so thanks ♡

[madame-fear]

long rant about some feelings i had lately because i need to say it somewhere. i should post it on my sideblog but honestly i lack the will to sign out from this and log into the other account. Feel free to ignore.

Quite honestly seeing all the endearing messages you guys send me truly encourages me to keep me going, and in a way, it comforts me. But these days for some reason I’ve had some recurring grim feelings that burden me, and make me feel empty.

I have a loving family I adore, sweet mutuals and friends i also appreciate with all my life, and i’m studying a career i always wanted to study – but i feel disappointed with myself. I feel like I have no clue where to go in life, like I cant rrally achieve anything too important. I feel useless, and weak.

Everyone in my real life remarks how shy and quiet i often am, and my parents say that im a sensible soul but even if they say it in a good way i feel stupid and fragile. I feel like everyone can run past over me because they know im not capable of saying anything against it. I feel worthless, and like i constantly need to be guided to do even the slightest thing. I panic at the most minor of inconveniences because i have no idea how to react and i overly stress, and needless to say the tremors i have worsen and it just makes me feel like shit.

I never find the right time to say what i feel, nor the right situation. And even if i do and express myself in any dumb way i can find at that moment, i just get called an attention seeker and they blame me as a victim that always has everything served and is spoiled, and even if im grateful for all the things i have in my life, i just keep feeling like a heavy weight on the people surrounding me. I feel like nothing i ever do is right, i never know what to say, i feel stupid. Sincerely.

I dont care what anyone says about me, especially if its someone i dont know. But i know some friends and people in real life that made fun of me when talking about my interests, how fragile i seem at everything and reserved i am, i even heard some classmates snickering behind of me when i was explaining specifically what i studied and im tired of not having the will to stand up. I truly despise myself to the point i can barely find the right words, if there is any.

Everyday i feel like im dragging myself through life and i would muh rather keep sleeping and stay in my dreams than have to keep being understanding at stupid people, and the disrespect. Im always embarrassed of expressing how i feel but its even more heavy to carry all my self-worth issues without being able to freely talk about it. You guys have no idea how many fucking times i had the impulse of jumping in front of a car, throwing myself out of the balcony, hanging myself and end myself because i cant STAND not knowing how to guide my life, where to go, and feeling insecure and i dont say this to be dramatic. i cant do anything by myself.

If it werent because even if i sometimes fight with them i know i have a family that cares for me and sweet friends, i wouldnt be here in some time. I feel like an attention whore and a victim but i hate having to keep it all for myself and know no one will do anything, or think im satisfied with how i am. My parents tell me i should be proud of who i am and all the things i earned by myself, but truth is, i wish i werent so fucking useless. I can never remember anything properly, and im too anxious most of the time. I despise myself and i really hope this feeling washes away soon, because i cant tolerate not managing to do anything because i would much rather lay in bed and do nothing due to my own insecurities.