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0nlythrowharrybeaux · 2 years ago

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Wonderful World - Part 8

I think you guys are really gonna like this part for a lot of reasons 😇

Series Masterlist

Warnings: mentions of homophobia, internalized homophobia, coming out, oral (male receiving), fingering, sex.

WC: 12.6K

Harry had spent a lot of his life alone. He was an only child and well, his parents had started an intensive, out-patient mental health facility when he was just a kid, so he did spend a lot of time without them for several years - not that they weren’t supportive and loving, they truly were, but quality time with their parents is just something that kids need. They had moved away from their hometown and into London when he was about 6 to do this, so he was removed from the 2 cousins he had and well, this kind of perpetuated his ability to be alone. And as things took off with his parents’ clinic they were able to open another location, and they now owned 5 of them across the whole of England. Even now as an adult, he’s quite isolated even from the few friends he has, but that doesn’t bother him. He had just never really noticed just how far removed he was until Rebecca came into his life.

At the time he was just finishing his residency and he had a plan to allow himself to adopt a sort of hedonist approach to life for a bit, to make up for lost time essentially. During med school everyone is kind of a loner, you really get together to study or cry and rant about how grueling everything is, but socializing is not really something they’d do so he had kind of forgot about it. So when he met her, someone so gorgeous and smart and just as invested and obsessed with her career, he took his opportunity to just be with her. Truly, they had a lot in common, too much in common if that’s even possible, so he thought that maybe this would mean that their relationship would naturally flourish into a lot more. But the longer they were together the more it worried him that not even his feelings for her were flourishing as he expected. Harry had dated one person seriously before Rebecca and that was when he was 19 years old. He was head over heels with this girl, he attributed it to being young and naive and told himself that adult relationships just didn’t feel that way so that he could continue investing in what he and Rebecca had or were trying to have. He forgot about what attraction and interest in others felt until Diana came into his life. It really happened within 5 seconds of seeing her that a part of his brain that he had forgotten could be so powerful kicked in at full force.

There were so many thoughts and daydreams and feelings that were floating around in his head or pricking his stomach with butterflies whenever she was near. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. He felt like a hormonal teenager who could hardly figure out which way was up. It was a “vie en rose” phenomenon; suddenly he was romanticizing everything and he was optimistic and subconsciously doing a little more to take care of himself, he was plagued with thoughts about her and hoping that she thought of him too. He was happy though, he liked feeling this way and it spurred things on even more knowing that she too felt something for him. Maybe it wasn’t as intense as what he felt for her, but there was hope because when he kissed her she had kissed back, ardently. And he knew that there were complications, but there was hope and it kept him going. But when he woke up this morning, annoyingly 3 minutes before his alarm went off, there was no hope. The rose-colored filter in which he had been viewing the world through was gone - as if it had never even existed.

“…if this situation isn’t evidence enough that we can’t-”

“I know. Maybe in another life…”

Those were the words playing over and over in his head like a damaged CD, he was stuck on that, in a loop and it hurt. It hurt to know that the person who had made him feel so happy was unattainable to him. He knew that life wasn’t fair, he knew that you can’t always get what you want, he could rationalize the issues that would come with pursuing her, but he didn’t want to be selfish and hurt Celeste in the process.

When his alarm finally went off he groaned and shut it off before he sat up and rubbed at his eyes. He stretched a bit and got up to have a shower, he would normally do a little yoga session, but he was in absolutely no mood for that at the moment. He also skipped breakfast, which he rarely ever did, and just decided to run an errand that had been on his mind for about a month now. When Harry pulled up to the animal shelter he didn’t want to be too optimistic that the cat he had dropped off a while back might still be there.

“Morning!” The young guy at the front desk smiled happily as Harry walked in.

“Good morning.” Harry responded with a smile.

“How can I help you?” He asked and Harry rested his hands on the counter top before sighed.

“So a few weeks back I dropped off a cat, she was all gray and had these big green eyes-”

“Like you?” The guy said with a smile and Harry smiled bashfully and glanced away for a second.

“Yeah, I suppose so.” He said before looking back at the guy with a chuckle, “I was just wondering if the owner was found? Or if she had been adopted already?” He asked.

“Did she have a collar?”

“Ummm no, but she was chipped. I know if they’ve been to a pound or shelter before you guys chip them too though. So maybe she’s just a stray.” He said and the guy nodded.

“That’s right…” he said as he started typing something into his computer, presumably looking through the catalog, “Do you happen to know the breed?”

“I have no idea.” Harry sighed through a chuckle.

“No worries, we’ve got a few gray cats in at the moment so I just want to narrow it down. What was she like?”

“Mmmm, she was friendly and cuddly. Kind of clingy,” he chuckled.

“Maybe a Russian Blue…” the guy said and then smiled, “We only have two of those at the moment and one if a kitten so I’d assume it’s the other one.” He explained, “Did you want to see her?”

“Yeah, if possible. And adopt her too I guess.” He said.

“Oh, right on.” He smiled, “Yeah, let’s go on back.” He said and Harry followed him down a hall and then another door that led to the cat enclosures, “Do you have other pets?”

“Ummm no, this would be the only one.” He said and the guy nodded, “Well, after you brought her in we had her spayed a few days later, so that’s all taken care of. She’s up to date on her vaccinations as well.” He said and Harry nodded, “Is it this one?” He asked stopped at one of the kennels and Harry smiled when he saw her curled up atop of the little tower in the corner of the enclosure. The little name card said “Misty”, it’s what he was calling her after Celeste mentioned that name.

“Yep, that’s her.” Harry said and the guy smiled.

“Great. So typically for adoptions we do want to socialize the cats with the owners first, make sure they’re going to a good person and all that. So if you’d like to hang out with her for a bit today and then put in your application before you go she can be going home with you whenever you’re ready for her next week.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Harry smiled.

“Alright, let me open this up for you.” He said and Harry moved aside, “Do you want to go to another room?”

“This is fine, I want her to feel comfortable with me first.” Harry assured and then just sat down at the entrance of the little kennel. Misty’s attention was fixed on him. She was looking up at him with a bit of caution.

“I’ll come back in about 10-15 minutes, yeah?”

“That’s perfect, thank you.” Harry said, slightly glancing back before turning back to the cat. “Hi.” He said quietly and extended his hand out in invitation for her to get closer. He smiled when he saw her tail started to wag in interest. He continued making eye-contact with her until she raised her hind legs and stretched a bit before she started to stalk over slowly. She sniffled at his hand before she approached, walking up to him between his legs and he smiled as she looked up at him and her eyes closed as he started to stroke her back and she almost immediately started purring.

“Do you remember me?” He asked quietly as she started to lower herself and he chuckled. Overall she was as sweet and clingy as he remembered, she was a beautiful cat. He preferred dogs much more as he had grown up with dogs at his grandparents’ house, but he didn’t have as much time for a dog. If this cat was a needier breed he didn’t even want to think about how much more needy a dog would be. Cats could certainly be on their own if they had stimulation around them and well, if he kept her at his practice then she’d get plenty of attention from people, he was certain of it. The time just flew by and before he knew the guy who had been helping him was coming back.

“So, has this sealed the deal?”

“Definitely.”

“Cool, I started on the paperwork.” He said and Harry smiled.

“See you soon, Misty.” He said petting her once more before he stood. As soon as the door to her kennel was closed she mewed loudly in protest and it just about broke his heart and he frowned, “Don’t worry, I promise I’ll be back for you soon.” He said to the cat and struggled to walk away. He felt a lump in his throat as he followed the guy back up front.

“She’s really attached.”

“Yeah, one of my patients saw her out on the fire escape of my practice a few weeks ago. It was raining, who knows how long she was out there. I had to take her home with me since it was already late.”

“She knows you’re a good person.” Harry smiled as the guy said this.

“Well, I hope I am.” He said as the guy printed out the forms he needed to sign.

“What kind of practice do you have?”

“I’m a psychiatrist.” He said and he hummed.

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” He chuckled lowly.

“I mean, a lot of people need help so it is cool that you can help them.” He rephrased and Harry nodded.

“Well you’re right about that. How’d you get into this?” He asked.

“Oh, this I my shelter actually.” He explained and Harry’s eyes went wide.

“Oh, that’s sick.” Harry said with a smile and the guy nodded, “Sorry, I didn’t even get your name.” He said.

“It’s Cam.” He said extending his hand to Harry and he shook it firmly.

“I’m Harry.” He introduced himself before they let go, “Hey, I know that some people need emotional support animals, maybe we could look into collaborating or something in the future.” He said and Cam smiled.

“Yeah, that’d be great actually. We need to find these little guys homes. After COVID we’ve had so many animals surrendered. Especially dogs, tons of people got bored and got quarantine puppies.”

“Oh yeah.” Harry nodded.

“Yeah, the animals are also really codependent and have depression and anxiety and attachment issues when they come here and it’s also really hard for them, you know?” He asked and Harry frowned as he nodded.

“I can imagine. So are you a vet?”

“Not yet.” He explained, “I’m on my third year, so almost done.” He said and Harry hummed.

“Well keep it up.” He encouraged the man who nodded and smiled. He soon brought over the forms he needed to fill out and once he had those all taken care of Cam explained the process the application would go through and soon Harry was off to work. He was looking forward to the weekend, he had the escape room with Henry and Grace tomorrow night, Saturday he would find himself at the farmer’s market, and then Sunday he’d be relaxing at home - his week had been mentally and emotionally draining and he needed to distract himself.

*********

Geri and Ozzy had been flocking Celeste ever since she’d come back to school because they could tell the Megan was trying to talk to her and they didn’t want to give her a chance. Of course she wanted to apologize to her, in Celeste’s mind Megan was willing to do just about anything to not get expelled, it made sense. But she wanted her to be expelled, she deserved it after everything that she had done. She didn’t want to talk to her or even look at her until the school board was telling her that she was expelled. She just had to hang out two more weeks and then everything would be resolved. Megan deserved everything that would happen to her, Celeste had just recently been able to get back to playing guitar how she could before! Getting expelled was not as worse as what had been put through, it’s not like she wouldn’t get into another school. She was pretty and popular from the start so Celeste was sure Megan would have no issue making friends wherever she was off to next.

“Hey guys, I’m just gonna go the bathroom and then meet you in the band room, OK?” She said to Ozzy and Geri who both nodded. They had a spring concert next week and they are rehearsing a lot. As soon as Celeste sat on the toilet she was filled with fear when she heard the lock on the main door latch quietly, almost as if she wasn’t supposed to hear it. Her body was covered in goosebumps and her breathing started to become short and shallow as fear of what would happen started to flood her mind. She cleaned herself up with shaky hands and tried to take deep breaths as she stepped out of the stall, but she didn’t see anyone. Maybe she had imagined it. She was washing her hands when the furthers stall creaked open and Megan emerged. Celeste’s eyes were wide in fear as she backed into the paper towel dispenser.

“Megan, please don’t do anything to me.” She said shakily, bringing her hands out before her to minimize the potential contact and Megan frowned as she saw the fear coming off of Celeste. She was barely breathing and she could feel how nervous she was.

“I’m not going to do anything to you, Celeste. I just want to talk to you. To explained what…what’s going on.” She said and Celeste frowned.

“I don’t care, Megan. I just want you gone.” She said and Megan frowned.

“Look, after everything I did to you I get it. But look, I just, I need you to read this, OK?” She said as she swung her backpack to the front to pull out the letter she had written.

“I don’t want your forced apology.”

“It’s not forced! I mean it and I just owe you an explanation.” She said, extending the folded up papers to Celeste, “Please just read it. Obviously, I don’t want to get expelled and if this help great, but if not, I get it.” She said quietly. Celeste looked between her eyes and papers she was extending a few times before she reached up and grabbed them from her.

“I’ll read this, but don’t expect me to forgive you.” She said and Megan nodded.

“I know.” She said and Celeste refused to turn her back on Megan as she hurried to unlock the door and rush out of the bathroom. She got through band well enough and Ozzy’s mom gave her and Geri rides home and as soon as she was in the safety of her home she had a thought to look at the letter, but decided not to. And she put it off like this with other things, like homework, putting away the dishes on the rack, putting her clothes in the wash…when her mom got home they had dinner and just before Diana got to washing Celeste looked over at her.

“Mom?”

“Yes, mamita?” She asked with a smile and Celeste sighed.

“Megan approached me in the bathroom today.” She said and Diana frowned.

“Did she do something to you?” She asked immediately and Celeste shook her head.

“She just wanted to give me the letter, she said she owed me an explanation.”

“OK, and what’s bugging you about it? Isn’t this what you wanted from her? To know why she was doing all of this?” She asked and immediately she thought of Dr. Styles, he would probably ask her the exact same question.

“Yeah, I guess…but I’m scared of what it’s gonna say.” She confessed and her mom grabbed her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Yeah, it is scary.” She agreed, and well Diana knew that it was more likely that the truth would make Celeste more angry than sad, “You don’t have to read it yet, you know? You can think about it for a few days. Or even wait to read it with Dr. Styles, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind being there with you for it.” She said, knowing that Harry was kind of her comfort person right now. She didn’t have an urgency to know what was written, she had a good idea of what it would say.

“You don’t want to know too?”

“Of course I do, but I also remember what we talked about and that sometimes you’d like to process before sharing with me.” Celeste smiled upon hearing this. It was hard for Diana to not be the first person she came to for everything, realistically she knew that would be the case the older Celeste got, but she was 14, she was still a child. But she had also told Harry that she trusted him with Celeste and with helping her, so she would let them work together before she demanded to know more. She might know the reason for why Megan did what she did, but she still wanted to know if she had mentioned that in her letter.

“OK.”

“Just take it at your own pace, OK?”

“I will.” Celeste assured. After helping clean up a bit she went up to her bedroom and got ready for bed and once in it she stared at her backpack forever until she just got out and felt around for the papers and brought them back to her bed. She took a deep breathe and unfolded them.

“Dear Celeste,

I know that by now you must hate me for everything I’ve done to you and I don’t blame you. I know you must think I’m this evil person and bully but I’m really not. I’m just confused a little bit right now. I’ confused about a lot of things and it’s scary. Scary enough that it pushed me to do things to you when you didn’t deserve it. I’ve been working with Miss Jones a lot and she’s helping me be less confused about the things I feel and I know you must think that I’, just writing this to not get expelled from school, but it’s not. Of course, I don’t want to be expelled, who does? But that’s besides the point. I am writing this because I was wrong for hurting you, emotionally and physically. I know that a piece of paper does nothing to fix that and I can’t take it back even though I wish I could. I am so sorry Celeste. Miss Jones said I didn’t have to share what I am about to with you, but I want to so that we’re even.”

Celeste frowned as she set the first page down and then went on to the next page.

“I know that you don’t owe anything to me and that you don’t have to keep my secret but I know that you’re a good person and that you’ll do what you think is best. I know I deserve to pay back what I did to you in some way and if that means getting this out then fine. The reason why I’ve been so mean to you is because I’m jealous of you. Or was…I don’t know, I still might be a little bit. I’m jealous of you and Geri.”

Celeste’s mouth dropped open in shock as she read the next part.

“I think I like-like Geri. Or well, I do like her. I hope you’re not weirded out by that. But I just thought that maybe you guys liked each other and I was jealous. I tried to kiss her once and she rejected me and when I saw you guys together I got mad because I thought she thought I maybe wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for her. I made her promise not to tell anyone or I would do something bad to her, so don’t be mad at her for keeping my secret. And well, after talking to Miss Jones about that last week I realized that it’s not that I was mad at you, I guess I’m more mad at myself for feeling that way about Geri. And I don’t want to blame this on my parents, but they’ve always told me that feeling that way is wrong. And so I was made to feel bad for feeling that way about Geri. That’s why I’m a little confused right now because I can’t help what I feel, but I also don’t want to feel bad all the time and it’s a mess. It has nothing to do with you and I just made it about you. I’m so sorry.”

Celeste frowned as she read that and went to the final page.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me any time soon for what I did to you, but I at least hope that now you can understand what is going on. One of my friends heard you telling Geri that you go to therapy and if that’s my fault I’m sorry. But now I’m doing that too with Miss Jones and she’s helping me a lot. I promise that I won’t be mean to you any more and that I will stay away from your friend group. I’m also really sorry for the instagram page that was so messed up, I didn’t think about it until your mom was screaming in mine and my mom’s face at the principal’s office. I wasn’t thinking at all about how bad that could’ve been. Your mom is really nice by the way, I did deserve to get yelled at like that, but she was still nice after she found out, which helped a lot because my mom yelled at me all the way home after that. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say and I hope that one day you’re not mad at me any more. - Megan Freeman”

Celeste was somehow more angry as she read that last bit, how could she not be mad at her? She literally took all her problems out on her and that was so unfair. She was also madam her mom because she knew and never said anything to her! She went back to the second page and set it on her bed before grabbing her phone and opening up her instagram. She went to her stories camera and snapped a picture of Megan’s confession about liking girls and her finger hovered over the “your story” button as she exhaled shakily. “…I know that you’re a good person and that you’ll do what you think is best…”, here eyes were drawn to that line on the screen and she groaned before she deleted it and fell back onto her bed. She was angry but as she thought about what she said about her parents she felt bad for her and now she was confused too. How could she feel angry and bad about someone at the same time. Then she thought about Geri and also got annoyed because she knew why she was getting bullied and she never told her anything about it. How would Megan have known if Geri said something? She regretted opening up that letter because now she was just in a state of frustration.

The next morning when she got to school and saw Megan in the hallway she looked extremely nervous and expectant and Celeste just glared at her before continuing to her locker. She was just gathering her things when Geri came up to her.

“Hey!”

“Hi.” She said burly before slamming her locker shut.

“Geez! Are you OK?”

“I’m fine. Is there something that you want to tell me?”

“Umm no? About?”

“Megan?” Celeste said and Geri looked at her with confusion.

“Not really, why? Did she do something else to you?”

“No, just…forget it.” She mumbled and walked off, forcing Geri to hurry off and catch up to her. All day she gave Geri the cold shoulder and she was so angry that she just wasn’t catching on to why she could possibly be upset at her. Even at the end of the day she hugged her stiffly before getting into the car with her mom.

“Hey cariño, how was your day?” She asked happily.

“It was fine…” Celeste mumbled as she buckled up.

“Are you hungry?”

“A little bit.” She said and Diana nodded. When she didn’t choose a place Diana just chose something and as soon as they got home she trudged up to her bedroom and Diana sighed, she had definitely read that letter and whatever it said definitely made her upset. She was eager to help her process everything, but she knew that if she needed her help she would ask, hopefully.

*********

Harry was still very distracted and the evidence to that was them not finishing up the escape room on time. This was the first time he had ever been so out of the loop that he couldn’t even get his brain to focus for an hour.

“Well shit.” Henry sighed as the last 3 seconds passed and the timer went to zero.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Harry mumbled.

“It’s alright, there’s a first for everything.” Henry assured and Grace nodded in agreement. The door was unlocked and then the staff member came in and showed them the final two steps they needed to get out.

“Next time, guys! But don’t beat yourselves up, this is one of our hardest rooms.” The woman consoled them but Harry just rolled his eyes as he walked out first. He had an IQ of 130, hardly anything was really challenging for his intellect. He was just more in shambles over Diana because of how hung up he was on her. Almost like he couldn’t believe he was feeling this way over someone again. As the three of them reconvened outside Henry asked what the plan was and Harry looked between him and Grace.

“I ummm, am kind of feeling like I need to go put in some ground work.” He said glancing back to Henry who just nodded.

“Yeah, alright man. Should we eat first?”

“Yeah, we can split up from there.” Harry smiled. They went and had some dim sum place that Grace had been eager to try and soon they were saying their goodbye’s outside of the restaurant.

“Oh, Harry can I ask you something?” Grace asked and Harry nodded, “I’ll meet you in the car!” She called to Henry who had already baked away a bit. He shot her a thumbs up and gave Harry one last wave before he headed off to the car. He wondered if this had anything to do with Diana or maybe it was something else about Henry?

“What’s up?” He asked with a smile.

“Well, it’s more things than just one.” She said and he smiled.

“No worries, shoot.” He said and she exhaled nervously.

“Am I like…getting in the way of your friendship with Henry?” She asked and Harry furrowed his eyebrows as he heard this, “Because I feel like I am in a way, like I know you guys never lose at these things and you did today and the only difference was that I was here now sans Rebecca. And you did’t want to go out for drinks after and if it’s an issue I don’t have to come to these things.” She said to him with some worry and Harry shook his head.

“No, you’re not coming between us at all!” He assured and she looked into his eyes more sternly, “I swear it! And well, any time a friend introduces a partner things are bound to change in some way, that’s normal! But I promise you I really like you, Henry hasn’t really had a lot of official girlfriends, I’m sure he’s told you that he’s casually dated frequently,” she nodded, “but maybe I’ve met 3 people he’s been dating in total and you actually got asked to be his girlfriend, so…” Harry said and she smiled, “I like you, Grace. I’ve just had a bit of a week and I’m not up to our usual plans is all, I’ve been a bit off my game. Nothing to do with you, I promise.” Harry assured and she nodded.

“Are you doing OK, though? After Rebecca?” She asked carefully and he nodded.

“Yeah, I think it was the best thing for both of us. I think the fact that neither of us are bummed about it says a lot.” He chuckled and she did as well with a little shrug.

“Yeah, that’s probably true.” She agreed, “Ummm next thing I wanted to talk to you about was ummm…Diana.” She explained and he hummed. Mentally screaming at the sound of her name.

“I didn’t know that you were working with Celeste and I know that it’s best to keep some distance for objectivity and all that-” Well it was too late for that now. Harry thought to himself, “kind of stuff. So I’m sorry if I made you feel weird at any point, I know she was a little worried about that and made a point to not join for the most part until you’ve finished treating Celeste. I just wanted to tell you because you guys seemed to get along really, really well and I was hopeful that maybe she’d at least find another friend in you.” She explained and despite the pang of hurt in his heart upon hearing that he nodded.

“Yeah, don’t worry she told me as well afterwards. I planned on waiting to talk to her when she came in next after that weekend but she beat me to it.” He chuckled and Grace shook her head.

“Yeah, she’s on top of it all.” Grace said with a smile and he nodded, “Ummm, I’m asking you this because you’re not her therapist, but is she doing OK with everything going on with Celeste?” She asked and Harry sighed.

“Yes and no.” he said, “Like she knows what’s within her abilities to help with and what’s not, so that’s always a good thing and she’s great at respecting those boundaries. But I can also see that it’s kind of hard for her to do that, you know? I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for her right now. Especially after that instagram page.”

“Oh my god, yeah.” Grace agreed, “I just wanted to see how you see her because she does share and talk to me about it, but I just feel like there’s something else going on that is eating away at her and she’s just not telling me, you know? But you’re right, they’re going through a lot at the moment and I’m sure that’s just weird for her to navigate.”

“Yeah. And you know, in my experience Diana really appreciates the open and direct communication, even if she might not particularly love what you have to say…” Grace giggled and nodded, “So maybe just ask if there’s anything else, you know?”

“Yeah, thank you, Harry.” Grace said with a smile, “And you know, I really like you too. You’re really great, I like how relaxed Henry gets around you.”

“We both do that for each other, which is pretty cool.” He smiled, “Any other questions?” He asked and she smiled.

“I think that’s about it for the moment. Thank you for making life better for the closest people to me in my life.” She said and he chuckled and looked away bashfully.

“I definitely think you make Henry far happier than I ever could, so give yourself a bit more credit. Between us, I think that you’re kind of everything he’s ever wanted.” Grace was now blushing as Harry’s words soaked in.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well can I tell you something?”

“Of course.” He said and she bit her lip.

“I ummm, I’d sworn off of committed relationships after my dad cheated on my mom. I was just constantly so afraid of investing so much time in someone and then it going to shit over someone’s stupidity and selfishness. But I mean, with Henry I just…I don’t know sometimes I do feel stupid for letting my guard down and doing everything I said I never would, you know? But ummm, in my gut I just know that he’d never be like that but…I guess, sometimes I’m just waiting for the bubble to burst, you know? And I’m so close to being all in, I want to be all in! I just…don’t know how to get over this fear I have.” She explained and he hummed.

“Well let me tell you one thing, your gut feeling will never be wrong. It’s the one part of us that is still so primal and instinctual, and whatever you’re feeling there will never lead you astray. In this case, rationalizing will only lead you to leaning in favor of keeping that distance, because everything you’ve been through has conditioned you to feel that way and to think that way. I might be a little bias, but Henry is a really great guy and he would never do something like that to you or to anyone for that matter. Like I said before, he’s been so cautious about who he brings in and who he shares these parts of his life with. So just know that him involving you is pretty big for him, just as much as you being a girlfriend is big for you.” He said and she smiled, “So trust your gut if you want to see where this could go, because if you leave it up to your mind you will definitely find a bajillion reasons to back out of it if you want to.” She nodded and exhaled.

“Yeah, that’s true. Well, thank you Harry. We’re all lucky to have you.” She said before they hugged, “Good luck putting in some groundwork tonight! Hope you get laid.” She said shooting him a wink before she turned and started walking and he laughed.

“Hey, tell Henry that just because he has a girlfriend now, it doesn’t mean all of codewords and previous shenanigans aren’t sacred anymore!” He called after her and she laughed loudly and shot him a thumbs up before getting to the car.

With that Harry headed to his own car and sat for a bit figuring out with bar to go to. Should he go home and get changed or just go somewhere casual in what he was already wearing? He decided to go home and freshen up and hit one of the higher end bars closer to home, he figured that if he went to a fancier place there’d be less chances of running into a student than if he went to something more casual and well, being closer to home meant being able to get someone there easier. He figured that he did need a good fuck to break out of whatever weird daze he was stuck in after Diana. Maybe if things went really well he could get a fuck buddy out of this, which he needed. He hadn’t had a wank to Diana, but he thought about it a lot. He knew that if he let himself get off to her that there’d be no way he’d put her out of his mind for a good long while.

Once at the bar it wasn’t hard for him to settle in and draw some attention. Harry was aware that he was handsome and that if in the proper mood he could charm the daylights out of anyone he well pleased, but it took a lot of his energy to get into that headspace and he hardly ever did it. This was an act of desperation; he so desperately needed a distraction from everything else going on in his head and he needed to take care of this tonight. He had maybe been sitting at the bar for 15 minutes before a woman came planted herself beside him. The bar tender immediately came over and she ordered a gin martini, after she ordered she spared him a glance and he looked back and offered her a polite smile and short nod in greeting and she did the same before she faced forward again. She was beautiful though and she wasn’t shy when her drink came. As they chatted he discovered that she had come with some friends and they had encouraged her to come “shoot her shot” as she had said. This was a clear indication that she was definitely younger than him but he didn’t care right now. So after a few more drinks and lots of intense eye contact and flirting she was scurrying off to grab her coat from her friends’ table and was wiggling her fingers to them in a dainty goodbye as they made their way out of the bar.

This girl was eager to please. As soon as they got into his car she went for the kiss and he allowed it because this was the whole reason he was out tonight. She was intense and forceful with her tongue as she pressed herself up against the center console. He didn’t hate her desperation, because he was feeling a bit desperate too, but he kept thinking about how Diana and him kissed. The only mouth he wanted on his was hers and even having this gorgeous and eager woman here with him wasn’t changing that for him.

“Mmm, wait, wait, wait.” He said as he broke the kiss, “First off, are you sure about this?” He asked and she nodded, her eyes locked on his, “You’re not drunk right?”

“No.” She assured with a smile and he smiled back.

“Good. Would you mind going back to mine or would you rather spend the night somewhere?” He asked and she bit her lip pensively.

“Do you live far?”

“No, maybe 10 minutes away at most.” He said and she nodded.

“OK, then.” She said and he smiled before he got the car started. On the whole way over she was palming at his crotch, feeling him growing and growing in his dress pants. He loved the friction and feeling of someone else touching him other than himself, he hadn’t tried to have sex with anyone in a while and quite frankly, this was long overdue in his opinion. As soon as they pulled into his driveway and smiled. “Oh, a house?”

“Yeah, I am an adult.” He said with a grin and she bit her lip to suppress her smile.

“So you’re pretty loaded.” She said as she turned to him as he shut off the engine and he glanced over to her.

“In what way?” He asked and she laughed.

“I mean… to own a house in the LA area. I kind of already have a good idea about the other thing.” She said more quietly towards the end of her sentence and he smirked.

“I’m alright.” He said humbly and she hummed at his mysterious response. Soon they were making their way inside and she wanted a tour, so he showed her around.

“You have really excellent taste.” She finished as they stopped at the dining room and then she pulled the curtains covering the large glass back door aside and peered out, “Is that a hot tub?”

“Oh yeah.” He chuckled, “S’been raining a lot though, so it’s not guest ready at the moment though.” He explained and she pouted as she turned to him.

“Bummer.” She said and he smiled apologetically.

“Sorry. I can show you the bedrooms though.” He said and she giggled at his not smooth transition.

“Yeah, show me.” She said regardless and he pulled her along down the hallway that led to the guest bedroom, as much as he needed a lay, he didn’t necessarily want her in his personal, private space. As soon as they made it inside he slid up the light dimmer so that she’d be able to see the room. He did sometimes sleep in here on those random occasions when his bed felt foreign. It had an ensuite as well, and a lot of his books and music were in here as well. “You’re so neat.”

“Thank you.” He said and she smiled as she continued looking around before she sat on the edge of the bed, she then crossed her leg and stretched a bit to get her high heel unstrapped and was quick to bend down and help her.

“Thanks.” She smiled as he unwrapped the strings from around her ankle, then he moved to the next one and he hummed as her fingers carded in his hair and he kissed at her knees and then up her thighs before she stopped him, “I ummm, have this thing about strangers not going down on me. Like I’ll still go down on you, but for me that just feels really intimate.” She explained and he nodded.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Whatever you’re comfortable with.” He said and she smiled.

She pulled him up so that they were kissing again and she was now pushing him to sit on the bed beside her as she rushed to get his shirt off. Her fingers were quick and soon her lips where trailing down his jaw and his chest. Harry was warding off mental images of Diana as this girl kissed and licked down his abs now as he helped her with his belt. When he was able to get his pants down enough to spring his cock free she moaned and immediately wrapped her hand around it making him shudder.

“You’re so big.” She hummed delightfully before she glanced up at him and licked at his tip, which made his jaw clench in anticipation. She continued stroking the rest of his shaft as she started to use her mouth on the head of his penis. The suckles and strokes of her tongue to his slit had his thighs tensing up as he felt his orgasm was soon approaching. He tried to focus on something else to deescalate this a bit so that he could at least fuck her, but that immediately led to thoughts of what Diana had said and how upset Celeste had been at even the possibility of them two being together, and that was getting him too relaxed as he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for sex. He felt bad though because he had brought this girl over here for just that.

“D-do you want to have sex?” He asked and she popped off of him and she glanced up at him.

“I mean, yeah, but you don’t at least want to come like this first so that you can go a bit longer? I was kind of hoping I could get off too.” She said and he leaned down and kissed her ardently, forcing away any thoughts of the woman who he wanted to be with at this very second.

“I’m perfectly capable of making you come.” He said with slight offense and a confident smile on his face and she grinned into his kiss.

“I’m sure you will, it takes me a bit.” She said and he took that as a challenge.

“If you don’t come at least twice I didn’t do my job right.” He said and she grinned.

He helped undress her and as she threw the decorative pillows off the bed he grabbed a condom and dimmed the lights per her request. He climbed over her and touched and kissed and licked at her breasts and down her navel, respecting her boundary of not wanting him to go down on her. She seemed to enjoy his dirty talk, so he worked her up that way and bit the time he was getting his hands down to her folds she was soaking wet for him, which he made sure to milk. When he finally got to her clit she was whimpering for more. And for some reason the soft sounds of her whimpers reminded him of the sounds Diana made when he had kissed her. He kind of let his mind take over and he sunk his fingers into the girl, feeling up her walls and curling his fingers forward when he reached the dip inside of her and she literally gasped.

“Found it.” He hummed haughtily and she moaned as he started to prod into that spot faster until her legs were buckling and she was easily coming undone as she clutched the sheets.

Harry worked her through it until she was begging for him to get inside and so he quickly got the condom on and rubbed himself into her sticky folds, working himself up a bit more before he pushed inside of her with a soft sigh of relief. She was warm and tight and as he buried his face in her neck he immediately frowned when that delicious scent of cherries wasn’t present. He groaned as he pulled his hips back and then slammed them forward again, but the more he thrust into her the more his mind went back to Diana. He thought about her hand in his, about their lips smearing together urgently, about getting stoned with her and looking into her beautiful eyes until she seemed to good to be true. He thought about just how much more of her wonderful self there was to explore. He thought about how bad he wanted her body, so he started to just pretend it was. His style morphed into one with more intention, he was going slower but deeper, making the girl under him whine and gasp. She was sucking on his neck hard and her nails were digging hard into his shoulders as she got closer and closer to her orgasm. He could feel her right on the edge so he ensured to line up with her properly to stimulate her clit as he continued to thrust into her. Mentally he was somewhere else and he didn’t mind it, especially as the girl beneath him came undone once again.

“Oh, baby. Oh fuck, Diana. I’m gonna come!” He panted and the girl under him froze.

“What?” She asked and upon hearing another voice he pushed himself away from her neck and realize what he had just done.

“J-just ignore me, m’sorry.” He said as he continued to thrust into her and she scoffed.

“No fucking way, you just called me by another woman’s name! Get off of me!” She spat angrily and Harry sighed but did as she requested. He was so embarrassed, this had never happened to him before and he grabbed a pillow to cover up his groin while he clambered off the bed to get to his briefs.

“Look I’m really sorry. Do you need me to give you a ride somewhere?” He asked and she scoffed as she picked up her clothes.

“It’s fine, just get me an uber or something.” She said quietly, still very offended at what he’d done, but he understood. She gave him her destination and then he gave her some privacy as she wanted to freshen up a bit. He ordered her car and then went to his bedroom to get on some clothes. She still wasn’t out of the room so he grabbed her a water bottle from the kitchen and waited around in the living room monitoring the incoming uber. He was beating himself up over this and he had hurt someone’s feelings all because his own feelings weren’t in check and he felt like an idiot, like a moron! He had no idea if anything he did would make up for it. Well, at least he’d kept his promise and made her come twice…when she came in she was still visibly upset and he handed her the water bottle which she took.

“Again, I’m really sorry for that. That’s never happened to me before-”

“Do you even remember my name?” She asked and he bit on his lip and shook his head shamefully. He supposed she had said it when they got to talking but he didn’t really pay any mind to it. “You’re kind of a douche, Harry.” She said flatly and he sighed.

“I know. I’m really, really sorry.”

“You shouldn’t have sex with other people when you’re hung up on someone else! It’s not fair.” She scolded and he nodded.

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right.” He said and she sighed and shook her head. It was kind of annoying that he didn’t get defensive or try to change her mind or offer to make up for this - he wasn’t a douche at all. That’s what made it more hurtful, that he was genuinely a great guy from what she could tell. They stood in silence for a few moments and she sighed.

“You’re not a douche, and whoever this Diana is, hopefully she gets it together and takes you back or sees you in the same way you see her or whatever.” The girl said, she just never repeated her name and Harry felt so bad because he wanted to at least remember and send her off properly.

“Thanks.” He said quietly.

“Maybe if she sees that there, it’ll make her jealous.” She said as she glanced down to his neck, “Sorry, I don’t usually leave hickeys.”

“It’s alright.” He assured and then his phone pinged, “Your Uber’s here.”

“Great. Umm, well thanks for at least making me finish.” She said as he opened up the door and he chuckled in some embarrassment.

“Yeah, of course. Ummm, what’s your name again, I’m sorry.” He apologized again, as if this could be any more humiliating.

“Don’t think it really matters anymore.” She said softly, “Night.” She said and hurried across the little walkway and into the uber and just like that she was gone and he had even failed at a one night stand.

Harry was embarrassed and ashamed and he felt so fucking lonely now. He was shutting off the lights as he made his way to his bedroom, he’d clean the guest room tomorrow. And as he laid in his bed he just sighed as he stopped avoiding the thoughts of Diana that were invading his mind. He didn’t know what it was about her that made him feel so out of control, but he loved it. And well, he felt kind of dumb because he was certain that as much as she probably had a crush on him, she didn’t share the same affinity for him as he did for her; or at least he had no evidence of that and well, a kiss doesn’t really mean much in reality. He was in deep and he felt kind of dumb for pining after someone who barely even felt the same as he did. But even more than that, for someone that was off limits to him. It saddened him because he craved getting to know her, every part of her.

*********

Once again, Celeste was upset about something that she wasn’t ready to talk to Diana about. Diana was certain that it had to do with something that Megan had written in her note, she wasn’t sure why she would mention her in it, but it was very possible and she was working on the assumption that it was that. As much as she was impatient to just get to the bottom of it, it was Sunday, meaning Celeste had therapy tomorrow so she was sure that she’d have plenty to talk about after she met with Harry. For now she would just jog because she needed some space from Celeste’s brooding and the lovely things Grace had to say about Harry after they hung out on Friday. She pretty much zoned out as she focused on her music and her thoughts and when she broke away from her metal prison she realized she had made it to the park the was about two blocks away from her house. She sighed as she slowed down and just let herself wander over to the swing set on the edge of the playground. It was only 7am, so there were no children here, just two other runners all the way across the park, they were barely starting to loop back in her direction. She started to create momentum to swing a bit more, just enough that she could feel a bit of wind on her face.

She not only had the things with Celeste on her mind, her brother, Damian, would also be coming along to the board meeting to be an extra support for Celeste. He had been in Spain for the last six months and so his usually constant communication with Celeste had been lacking a bit, which she understood, but he wanted her to know that he was there for her and that she mattered to him. That would be great, but if he made a trip here she knew that inevitably, her mother would also make an effort to drop by, which was the last thing she needed with everything going on.

“Hey, thought that was you.” She heard and glanced to her left to see none other than Harry in his running clothes and a cap on his head. He looked glorious with the early morning sun shining behind him. And he was littered in tattoos. Sure, she’d seen the cross on his hand, but she’d never seen his arms fully and well his chest, and knees were inked too. It was surprising. And well, he was wearing a tank top and running shorts and she could see just how muscular he actually was and it was making her mind grow foggy.

“Oh wow!” Diana said with a smile and he looked at her confused, “Never seen you in all your glory before.” She signaled at him with her hands and he chuckled as he realized what she was trying to say. He wondered if she was good shocked or bad shocked by his tattoos. He started when he got to med school and well, he did go into a bit of a frenzy, but he didn’t really regret any of them. He hoped that this didn’t make her less attracted to him as she continued to look him over as he stopped in front of her. He was getting nervous so he changed the subject.

“I’ve never seen you around here. Do you run here often?” He asked and she looked into his eyes now and shook her head.

“No, never. I just kind of zoned out a bit and went a bit further than I normally do.” She explained and he hummed.

“Must have a lot on your mind.” He said and she nodded. They suddenly heard a car horn honk loudly and turned to the sound and when she saw it was nothing she focused back on him and well she felt a pinch in her heart when she saw a hickey at the base of his neck. It started to grow in her chest and spread out to her arms and it reached all the way down to her fingertips. The steady prickling feeling of disappointment and hurt was never a nice feeling and she looked down at her shoes instead as she talked herself out of feeling upset over this. When he finally turned back to her Harry noticed that she looked a bit bummed out, “So are you OK?”

“Oh yeah.” She said and glanced up to him, but she couldn’t help and steal a glance at the love bite again and it was hard for him to miss her looking it over too. He felt satisfied, but also crappy because of how it all happened.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just Celeste is mad at me again. I suspect it’s about the apology letter Megan wrote her.”

“She’s not talking to you?”

“Yeah, just not about that. I’m sure she’ll bring it up to you tomorrow in session.” She said and he nodded, “I just…I’m really impatient to know when people have a problem with me. Because I’m a fixer, I want to fix things I did wrong you know?” She explained and he nodded, “I also hate to be the one that brings said things up…” she chuckled and shook her head at the irony.

“Confrontation is hard.” He said simply and she nodded with a smile.

“That’s for sure. Ummm…my brother is gonna come for the board meeting.”

“Oh, that’s good!”

“Yeah, it’s great that she’ll have more support. It’s just…when my brother comes into town my mother tends to descend upon me as well and…” she felt a knot forming in her throat and he frowned as he stepped closer to her; one of his hands was on the chain of the swing and the other on her shoulder. She had her bottom lip bitten hard between her teeth and her eyes were all glossed over, she was fighting from crying and it made him upset to see her that way, “I’m sorry.” She said quietly and Harry shook his head.

“No, love. S’alright.” He assured and she glanced up to him at the term of endearment he let slip, “S-sorry, it just came out.” He said and she shook her head.

“It’s OK.” She said as their eyes met. How she wanted to tell him that she liked it, she liked it when it felt like they were just two people with endless possibilities before them. She had been keeping her distance emotionally, she already liked him, but she didn’t want to like him anymore than she did at this time. It was mostly surface level at this point, there were parts of him that she knew and that she liked, but they were basic things, really. Nothing like he had said of her the other night. She wanted to speak of him that way, but that would require a lot of sacrifice that would just end in hurt and she didn’t want to hurt anymore. She felt that she had hurt enough for her entire lifetime and still, it kept coming as if she hadn’t had enough.

“What is it?” He asked quietly and she swallowed thickly.

“I just…was thinking how this must feel really one-sided to you. How you’re always helping me and listening to me and learning about me and that…must suck.” She said and he smiled softly.

“It doesn’t suck.” He said to her, “I really don’t mind it.” He assured and she smiled.

“It’s not that I don’t want to reciprocate, I just…can’t.”

“I know. With Celeste and everything-”

“It’s nothing to do with Celeste, it’s just me.” She confessed, “I don’t want to get hurt anymore. And I know you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose, but just our situation would and…I also don’t want to hurt you. And if these run in’s leave you feeling sad or something, we don’t have to.”

“I’d rather talk to you for five seconds than not talk to you at all.” He admitted and she swallowed thickly as she looked into his eyes, “It’s worth it for me. To get to know you and understand you. Maybe it is…self-destructive and pointless, but it makes me happy. Even if it’s just for right now.” He said and she sighed, “Doesn’t it make you happy? When we see each other and get to be like this?” He asked as his hand slid down over hers and she nodded.

“It does.” She agreed quietly as she enjoyed the warmth of his hand over hers, “But it’s also sad because I know it’ll be over too soon.” She said and he smiled at her.

“Then don’t think about that, love. Just be here with me, right now. Who cares about everything that comes after.” He said quietly and she smiled.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sit with me then, we can see who swings higher.” She said with a playful smile and he smirked.

“Oh, you’re going down.” He said confidently as he let her go and got into the swing next to her. She was going higher, considering that she was smaller and lighter than he was, but he was getting up there. They were laughing as the wind rushed through their hair and they just allowed for the fun of the moment to exist without a concern for what came next.“And now we have to jump off!” Harry shouted.

“Are you crazy!? No way!” She laughed.

“C’mon! Live a little!” He encouraged and she groaned. “Watch!” He said and just propelled himself off of the swing and he did land on his feet despite stumbling a little, “See! C’mon. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He assured and she groaned in anxiety because she wanted to do it, she did but she was so scared. She decreased her height and speed a bit to something that seemed doable and just before she could chicken out she propelled herself off of the swing and sure enough, it was scary but exhilarating as she flew through the air a couple feet and landed on her feet in the sand, she was about to stumble but soon Harry’s hands were on her waist, steadying her and she placed her hands against his chest as she laughed and he did as well, “Told you I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.” He said with a grin and she smiled up at him.

“Do you ever get tired of being right?” She asked through a smile and he smirked.

“Would you?” He asked and she laughed quietly.

“Definitely not.” She said and he chuckled.

“Exactly.” He said lowly.

She hadn’t pulled her hands away from his body and he was still holding her around her waist. Her body was buzzing in his touch, as it always did. His eye contact did things to her, it made her feel like he could see everything in her mind and in her heart and it was scary, but also quite relieving. She wanted to be able to do that to him too, to just understand him. To learn what each of his looks meant, the gestures he made, the things he said. She wanted to be intimate with him because it just felt like it happened so naturally and because in her eyes, every force in the universe was pushing them closer together and it was getting harder and harder to resist. Before she could talk herself out of it she tiptoed and slid her hands around his neck and he didn’t even hesitate to dip head down so that their lips collided delicately and beautifully. He wrapped his whole arms around her waist to pull her even closer and it just felt right to be in his hold. Her heart was fluttering and her breathing was bated as their lips moved together, kiss after kiss, and it just didn’t feel like enough. His lips were so smooth and he had been chewing some fruity gum that made him taste so good and she couldn’t help it as she opened her mouth up a bit for him to slip his tongue inside. She hummed in satisfaction as he swirled his tongue at the opening of her mouth before he deepened the kiss to slide it along hers.

Harry moaned into their kiss when her fingers tangled into the bottom of his hair and tugged it a bit. They were in public, so he was trying to keep his arousal at bay, but it was getting so hard do so. Their mouths moved together without urgency, their kiss was slow, but deep and full of every emotion they were feeling towards each other. It was just them right now in this moment. Sure, there was this nagging little voice in the back of her head telling her it was wrong and that they needed to stop, but she didn’t care, she was just happy to be kissing him again. She smiled against his lips when he nipped at her bottom lip playfully and it kind of interrupted the kiss, but he just started to smooch around her mouth and her chin and the corner of her mouth before their lips met once again in a slow kiss which seemed like the last one, they opened their eyes and looked at each other for a few seconds with the biggest, dopiest smiles on their faces.

“Sorry for just springing that on you.” She said a bit bashfully and he shook his head.

“It’s OK.” He smiled, his dimple was carving deep into his cheek and she melted at how cute he was, “Do you want to sit down for a little bit?” He asked and she nodded. She was sad to feel his hands leave her body, but soon he was extending his hand out towards hers and he pulled her along to a bench that was some feet away under the shade of a large tree. They sat close, with their intertwined fingers resting on his thigh. She lifted their hands as she saw the bottom of another tattoo under his running shorts. They were the high-cut kind so they did ride up a bit more now that he was sitting.

“Another one?” She asked before glancing up to him and he smiled.

“Yeah. I’ve got a lot.” He said with a smile and she hummed.

“What is it?” She asked.

“A tiger. Wanna see?” He asked and she nodded. They let go of each other for a little bit so that he could show her the full thing. She looked impressed, rather than put off and then started looking at the ones on his arm, pointing out the ones she really liked.

“That’s cool. I’ve always wanted one, I just think it’d hurt a lot and I’d wuss out.” She confessed as she rejoined their hands, a detail which did not escape his mind.

“They don’t hurt that bad.” He said to her with a little smile, “It’s more of a stinging sensation, I’d say. Like when you get scratched or burned a little and it just stings.”

“Oh…interesting. That’s not at all what I would have imagined.” She said pensively and he smiled.

“Yeah, it’s alright. It’s just when you have big ones it can get painful or tiresome. None of mine are really that big to be honest. Just my thigh one really…Oh and I have some laurels right along my pelvis, those hurt.” He recalled, “Oh and my stomach one too, that was probably the most painful one.” He said.

“Stomach one?!” She asked and he chuckled.

“Yeah, it’s a butterfly.” He said to her and she smiled.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled, “Wanna see?” He asked and she nodded. He lifted his tank top and maybe flexed just a little bit as she reached out and touched it as she shook her head in disbelief.

“That’s really gorgeous actually, but you’re insane for this.” She giggled and he chuckled.

“Just a tiny bit.” He agreed as she pulled her hand away and he let his tank top fall back down. She had a mental image of scratching down his toned chest and torso while she rode him and immediately her cheeks went pink and he grinned, “What?”

“What?” She asked as she glanced up to him.

“You’ve gone all red in the face.” He pointed out and she cleared her throat.

“Nothing, I just…didn’t really think about touching you there and I guess the realization didn’t strike until afterwards.” She fibbed. He wanted to believe her, but her eyes had this kind of dark look in them that he knew was an indicator of something much more lewd.

“Oh…right.” He teased and she looked away with a nervous smile, “Hey, nothing to be shy about.” He said and she shook her head.

“I’m a little shy.” She said and he smiled.

“It’s OK, me too.” He assured and she scoffed in disbelief, “I really am!” He defended and she smiled.

“I’m just giving you a hard time, Harry.” She assured and he chuckled and looked down to where her hand was resting and he interlaced their fingers again and just looked at them together. His hand was swallowing hers, but he liked how dainty and small it looked in comparison to his own. But despite the size different he liked how they fit and she seemed to like it too as her head rested on his shoulder and he smiled. “I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel about everything.” She sighed and he hummed.

“That’s sweet of you. Maybe you will someday.” He said and she hummed.

“Yeah, whatever you need I’ll be there.” She stated assuredly and he smiled.

“Thanks, love.” He responded quietly. He did trust her and he knew that at some point she’d come through for him as well.

“I have a question for you.” She said.

“What is it?”

“Where’d you get that hickey?” She giggled and he laughed as well and shook his head.

“A failed hookup from last night.” He confessed and then glanced down at her and she was smiling, he wasn’t sure if she was just amused with his response or happy that he said it was a failed hookup.

“Last night, huh?”

“I was sad and lonely, OK? And…I thought that might help.”

“That never helps.” She pointed out and he chuckled.

“You’re right, but sometimes it’s worth a try, OK?” He defended his actions and she hummed.

“Yeah…I suppose. Why did it fail?” She asked and now he was red in the face as the memory resurfaced, “If you don’t mind me asking.” She added and he bit his lip as he thought about being honest with her or not. And well, considering how they were right now he felt that maybe this would kind of be laying it all out on the line.

“Ummm…I…kind of said someone else’s name during.” He said quietly and she started to laugh and leaned further into his hold through her fit of giggles and he chuckled as well, hugging around her as she laughed, “You’re laughing but that’s never happened to me! I almost cried from how bad I felt. But I genuinely didn’t even remember her name. I wasn’t even drunk!” He chuckled and she just continued laughing before she glanced up at him as she shook her head.

“I can imagine. I have secondhand embarrassment just from hearing that.” She giggled and he shook his head in shame again and she giggled, “S’alright though, s’always a bit weird when you first hook up after a breakup.” She assured comfortingly as she looked into his eyes and he bit his lip before he leaned down to kiss her again. A small ‘mph’ sounded between them as she wasn’t expecting a kiss then, but she easily gave in to him as his hands grabbed her face gently. His nose rubbed along hers as he pulled back a bit.

“It wasn’t Rebecca’s name that I let slip.” He whispered his confession against her lips and his eyes fluttered open at the same time as hers.

“Oh.” She whispered.

“Yeah.” He responded and he was nervous now as this fact settled between them. Diana felt that her entire body was suddenly burning from the inside out. Her tummy was flipping and turning with excitement and it was satisfying to confirm that just as she’d thought of him a few times now, it was the same for him. But even still, she wasn’t sure whether she should just run away to avoid acting on every impulse in her body or stay put to assure him that she didn’t mind. There was only one right thing to do because it was the feeling that was coming from her gut. She leaned up and connected their lips again, this kiss was far more sensual and slow, but the tension between them was palpable; they were in public, they had to show some restraint even when their bodies were begging them not to. It was a bit hard for her to want sexual intimacy with someone, but something about Harry made her feel like he was the one for her. The one that would change everything. They were startled apart by a dog that was barking nearby, but then he just pecked her lips with quick kisses a few more times, which made her smile, as they actually made some more distance.

“Sorry, got carried away.” She said as she caught her breath and he chuckled.

“It’s fine. Perfectly fine. Wonderful even.” He smirked and she playfully rolled her eyes.

“Ummm, I should probably head back, I’ve been gone way longer than usual.” Diana said with some disappointment.

“I literally live around the corner. Right over there.” He said pointing to the neighborhood behind the far end of the park, “I can drive you.” He offered and she smiled.

“As lovely as that would be, if Celeste saw the next time you’d see me I’d probably be in a body bag.” She joked as she stood from the bench and he did as well.

“Are you trying to tell me that she has violent and homicidal tendencies, because I can totally work on that with her in session.” He said with a playful smile and she shook her head.

“Don’t ruin the joke, Harry.” She groaned and he smiled and pulled her in by her arm.

“I’m not, it’s more funny actually because that’s totally within my skillset!” He defended as he pulled her into his chest and she hugged around his waist as he hugged around her shoulders. She sighed and then stayed silent as she listened to the steady thumping of his heart for a few moments.

“What are we gonna do?” She asked with some sadness laced in her voice. “This is getting more and more difficult, Harry.”

“I don’t know, love.” He sighed, “I literally don’t know.”

---- Tag List ----

suspended ATM until shadowbanning is lifted! PM my primary blog if you want me to message you when I update!

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gryphis-eyes · 3 years ago

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Hello!! I hope you’re doing well!! Congrats on your milestone :>> This game honestly seems like soo much fun 😭 i hope its not yet closed :’) my initials are cd 💫 i wanted to ask for my vibe and i wanted to know what my main guide is like :)) Thank you soo much!!

For the exchange for you, i wanted to do what you need to know right now, so its more on the general side :)) pls tell me if it resonates or not:

I heard continue working hard/ work hard. I saw someone carrying something on their shoulders as well. Also someone taking pictures. Okay for me this kinda means like, continue doing what you’re doing or even start doing that thing you’ve been thinking of, and even when it may seem hard i guess capture the moments that make the work worth it for you. Romanticize it a little bit more and see the bigger picture of these things you are working toward. I feel like there are many people really rooting for you, so don’t worry, you’re spirit team has got your back. I pulled some cards for you too, they’re ace of cups, the world, the fool in rx. Back of the deck is 4 of wands. I have a feeling this has a similar message to what i have said earlier, you’re giving your all to something and working toward that fulfillment, but it won’t be as much fun if you don’t have fun along with it. Don’t forget how the simple things may make things all the more better :)) i just heard haha this line from business proposal, the kdrama it is “fighting girl” good luck!!

For the kind of reading i’d like to see:

I’m honestly not very sure 😭

In addition to pacs, what can you do?

I honestly think you can do like information posts about what you said in your post like witchcraft and deity work! I would definitely read it :> you can also do journal type stuff if your into that and share your experinces with deities or just spirituality in general! i love those!

The vibes you give me

You give me a lot of like dark retro style (also very retro punk rock[?])idk why but yeah :>> there’s like the absence of more diverse colors

Hello 🌹 thank you for the reading it really help i’m in that work hard period but I struggle to be more optimistic/care free but at least I love what I do even if it’s not easy :') that Aesthetic remind me of ghost in the shell that’s very cool ! I do use journal but I don’t really follow stuff I just use it to calm my mind lol

Your vibes

◇ Seshat, Khonshu, Sphinx

You seem to be the master of yourself wow, those 3 deities are about introspection and wisdom ! I don’t know if you’re a book worm but you’re definitly into writing haha I understand when you asked for journal stuff because those 3 togheter remind me of those journal prompt about discovering yourself etc. The night doesn’t scare you and you probably gone through it many time with all of this introspection, that’s amazing ! You often question yourself before acting, you probably tamed your ”inner beast” Your vibe are so comforting damn you’re really made of gold ! I got introverted vibe but at the same time you don’t mind people’s presence ? I saw someone sitting under a tree while reading a book on a spring afternoon I think this image truly match your vibe. You hold a lot of wisdom and people might come to you to ask for advice while you’re in your comfy corner. This picture really match your vibe :

Your main guide

◇ Neith and Sobek

Only 2 cards seemed to be enough to describe your guide but honestly since it’s two very powerful deities that’s enough. The word ”berserk” came to my mind and I think it describe them very well, Neith is a goddess of war hunting and wisdom while Sobek’s card talks about the inner beast. Ok it’s just a fun fact but since Sobek is a crocodile sometimes egyptian would take a crocodile from the Nil and worship him like if it was Sobek’s incarnation i think it’s very cool. But back to the reading there might be an animal that your guide use to represent themselves and it might be a good idea to keep representation of that animal around you in order to feel more close to your guide. I really got the image of a very calm and kind person and behind them there is a big intimidating shadow (that looked a bit like an armor) your guide really remind me of Guts’s armor. You can mind your business at peace because if someone ever try to mess with you they will have to face the wrath of your guide, what a great ally to have here.

#ask game #the difference between you and your guide i love it haha

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thejustmaiden · 4 years ago

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Why do you think Sunrise did that event in with Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs mirroring InuKag? They have already done that CD Drama, do you think they did that to give hope to the shippers? What if after so many hints, if they reveal in the anime that Sessrin isn't canon, aren't the shippers gonna be disapointed? This may be a dumb question and your answers are always smart and well-articulated, but i seriously don't understand their marketing strategy, do you care to explain for me?

Oh, hey there! I appreciate all the love you've been leaving on my blogs lately. I really hope I'm able to give you an answer you're satisfied with. Sorry it took some time to get back to you. I hope this makes up for it. 🙏

I'm not gonna lie, I'm up and down about how I feel about that livestream and what it means for the future of this ship. My brain has been on roller coaster mode since basically the moment the sequel was announced. We're in the home stretch now, and we better get the answers WE WANT the second that sequel comes out. Since it's evidently not going to happen anytime sooner- welp!

Before the livestream aired, I really thought us fans were on the verge of discovering the mom and that it was going to be Rin. We still had hope she wasn't, but at the same time most of us antis were "bracing for impact." lol

Then nothing happened.

We were pretty shocked but obviously relieved. The days before it came out, I was telling others (as well as myself lol) that just because Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs had a livestream together doesn't confirm anything. Besides, why does that have to automatically mean that both pairings need to be romantic? We all know how integral these characters are/were to each other's storylines, so these pairings make the most logical sense, wouldn't you say?

In the previous livestream with the voice actors who play Inuyasha and Kagome, they discuss the new character Moroha and introduce her as Inuyasha AND Kagome's daughter. Now let's compare that to the other livestream with Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs. When they described Towa and Setsuna, they did so as Sesshomaru's daughters NOT Sesshomaru and Rin's daughters. That to me is the most telling piece of evidence.

Like how could they not use that prime opportunity to tell us Rin's the mom when her voice actor was literally sitting right there??! We were all expecting it and they still insisted on giving us nothing! What this tells me is that it's possible this mom is a new character, and it even appears she is quite pivotal to the new series. I keep changing my opinion on that part though to be honest with you, because sometimes I think she won't be important at all in the grand scheme of things. (See what I mean about being up and down? lol) Idk about you, but it seems to me like we haven't even met her character. If it was Rin, why keep it a mystery? It's not like Sessrin's popularity is exactly a secret in this fandom. Why wait until the big reveal if it's "so obvious" in the first place? How does Sunrise benefit from hiding this information?

If it does end up being Rin, it would've been better to just come out and say it. If this ain't just pure fanbait like some of us still hope it is, why hold back? Give 'em what they want already and let us antis be at peace. If they hope to think that I'll change my mind and give this sequel a go just because I've waited this long so might as well, they're sorely mistaken. If anything, I'm going to be pissed they kept us in the dark this long when they could've just saved us all the trouble. I imagine that goes for a lot of us, shippers and antis alike. Whatever way you look at it, I won't be invested in this sequel if Sessrin goes canon- period. I cannot and will not be on board with a series that promotes such a harmful and insulting dynamic.

Which brings us to Sunrise's marketing strategy. Well, I definitely think they have been catering to the fans of this ship for quite some time now. Because, ya know, money. Whether that's because they plan to make this ship canon or not remains to be seen. "Show meee the moneeeeyyyy!" *yells in Jerry Maguire*

There was first the drama cd and more recently that calendar which included art of adult!Rin with Sesshomaru, but neither of those are canon first off. Also, does anyone know if it was actually confirmed to be pro-Sessrin fan art? I mean, I know it doesn't look very good when the artist who made it is a Sessrin shipper and certain fans are fawning over their OTP, but that doesn't necessarily mean the calender automatically is either last I checked. I wonder why it can't simply be Rin as an adult visiting with Sesshomaru. I believe in one picture she's seen giving him a flower, much like little Rin would've done, or just as any child does for a loved one. So if Rin is still bringing him flowers as an adult, I would assume that means their relationship dynamic hasn't changed at all. That's what's supposed to happen, too! If an adult's relationship was established with another person while they were just a child, then that adult will always view them as a child no matter what and vice versa. Even when those children become grown-ups, that won't change. That's just how things are, or how they're supposed to be rather. In other words, a normal healthy adult-child bond does not resemble one like Sessrin.

Both Sessrin fans and antis agree there haven't been any romantic implications between Sesshomaru and Rin in the original series. That's why I can't understand for the life of me why we're even having this discussion. Alas, here we are. This is what happens when society has conditioned us to believe that the only proper (aka "best") way an adult male and a young female's closeness can evolve is with romance. So maybe it's not obvious at first (because that would be illegal), but we should EXPECT their relationship to shift in that direction. Why, you ask? Well, simply because sexualizing young girls is the norm so why not, right? No clues or foreshadowing required! Because like I just said, that would be illegal. Fiction has loopholes for this kinda stuff, so problem solved?

Nope! Aging her up counts too, folks! When you look at a girl character and the first thing you think is, "I can't wait till she grows up so she can f*ck" then, yeah, you're a part of the problem. You may not realize it, but you are. That's not to say you're a bad person or that it's even your fault, just saying that there are times in all of our lives where we start to question some of our beliefs. If you not only support but desire the idea of a romance eventually forming between a grown man- yes, 19 is an adult- and a young girl, then you should probably ask yourself why that may be and re-evaluate. Please stop using cultural differences and history that dates back almost a thousand years to justify this so-called tradition.

"You all shouldn't think too deeply about this, it's just fiction! Ugh, you're ruining the fun! Antis should all just shut up! Only we can have problems, but when you do it's just complaining!"

Right....

And by the way, most of us are not even complaining. We're being critical of the content we're watching. Criticism isn't always pretty unfortunately.

If Sunrise and Rumiko do decide to go through with this, then I will disappointed, sure, but not surprised. Romanticizing these sexualized images of young or pre-pubescent girls has been happening for far too long, after all. We've become desensitized to it sadly enough, especially when the media continues to glorify it. I wish we'd realize how many young girls- or minors in general- we're putting in danger by sending messages such as this.

To you young teenage girls and even boys reading this, you may not fully understand right now, but it's never okay for anyone to tell you that your body being sexualized is a natural and beautiful thing. It's going through through a lot changes at your age, yes, but they should never use your curiosity to satisfy their sexual needs. Don't allow some of these stories to be an example of what is acceptable to occur in your own life if you were ever to encounter a similar situation, especially if fiction is all that you have to compare it to. It is not in any way, shape, or form okay for an adult to say or do sexual/romantic things to you. Even a conversation that may seem harmless at first could have dire consequences. No, not even if you trust them and they're one of your favorite people in this world are these things ever appropriate. What they're asking from you or showing you is dangerous, and even if it doesn't seem like it they are very likely taking advantage of you. If you're ever unsure about something, don't hesitate to come to me. Or maybe you have a loved one that you can go to, that works too. 😊

Idk if I even gave you a definite answer, but perhaps it's because I'm still figuring it out myself. If I ever do, ha! I hope by allowing you to get inside my head for a little bit you got a better idea. Or maybe not, and I just made it more confusing for you. Oops! lol Feel free to hit me up again, dear, and have a nice day/night!! 👋

#inuyasha #hanyo no yashahime #anti sessrin #asks #answered ask

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pastryseungs · 5 years ago

Text

Happy Old Year (2019)

Dir. Nawapol Thamrongrattanarit

SPOILERS !!

Minimalism: an art movement that began in post–World War II Western art, most strongly with American visual arts in the 1960s and early 1970s

KonMari Method: encourages tidying by category – not by location – beginning with clothes, then moving on to books, papers, komono (miscellaneous items), and, finally, sentimental items. Keep only those things that speak to the heart, and discard items that no longer spark joy. (source: https://shop.konmari.com/pages/about)

“we have to choose what’s really best for ourselves.”

Happy Old Year is a movie about Jean (Aokbab Chutimon) and her plans to declutter her home and make the house minimalistic after returning home from Sweden. after her friend, Pink (Patcha Kitchaicharoen) stumbled upon an old CD that she gave Jean back then as a gift, Jean returns all the stuff that her friends from college gave her as gifts or simply lended her. Jean then stumbles upon an ex-boyfriend’s belongings, and starts reminiscing about the past again. the movie ends with a new home for Jean, her brother Jay (Thirawat Ngosawang), and her mother (Apasiri Chantrasmi).

this movie gives me nostalgia and i don’t know why? like, it reminds me of all the memories of the people and the fun times we had back then and how i took all of that for granted. should’ve enjoyed and made the most of it, maybe i’ll feel a little better when i think about it. but eh, these memories make us learn and help us try and improve ourselves

i honestly thought that Jean and Aim (Sunny Suwanmethanont) were going to get back together again after they meet. sadly, it isn’t really that easy for adults to do so, given the circumstances. Jean was just.. emotionally off? i don’t know how its specifically called but she puts up this strong, not-easy-to-break-down front in front of her old friends. it was honestly so sad when she “explained” to Pink why she had to throw the gift away.

of course, its normal that we have to declutter at some point and throw away our things when they’re not functional anymore. but come on, did she have to do that to her friend? if someone were to throw away a gift i gave them, i’d be so offended and sad too. but then again, we’re not really entirely responsible for someone’s feelings. BUT ALSO, its somehow an unwritten rule that we keep that gift and use it.. until its not usable/functional anymore. i don’t know where i’m going with this but let’s show the people who gave us gifts that we’re thankful and content with what they’ve given us.

moving on, its so sad how Jean’s mother hasn’t moved on from their father. it was so sad how the piano was the last memory she had of him- he’s not dead, just divorced, and Jean just sold it off to an antique collector. honestly, she could’ve continued using it and still make it look minimalistic. but also, it could be her way to make her brother and her mother move on, since it looks like there were a lot of problems caused by him, which caused a lot of emotional distress on Jean.

personally, its fitting that we get rid of the things that hurt us and that we stray away and cut ties from the people that cause us distress. what Jean did to Aim was just so sad though. like she was literally using the KonMari method on her life also, which was frustrating !! during the movie, i was semi-frustrated because i was wondering why she just let it all go so easily. i’d like to do the same, but i’m such a memory hoarder that it’ll be hard for me. clearly, Aim still loved Jean, and decided that maybe getting rid of all his memories of Jean would also help him move on, sadly, it feels like Jean still has feelings for him too, but decides not to act on it since.. KonMari method?

anyways, other than the nostalgic feel this film has. its actually so sad how much we change as we get older. from what i’ve watched, it seems like as we get older, we lose this sense of seeking for fun and enjoyment, to try and experience new things and instead just accept he fact that we’re indeed getting older and its something that we can’t really control. personally, it would be best if we kept enjoying life and romanticize it a little, kind of like a coming of age film.

i used to want to be like Jean, to get rid of the things i don’t need, to cut ties with the people that have hurt me in the past, but doing so is just so hard. because we still have good memories of this person or this object, which leads us to thinking, “it looks okay, this still might be useful in the future.” or “things might get better, i’ll keep this for now.” and end up keeping it, only to stumble upon it a few months later and realize that it doesn’t really have any use anymore.

in conclusion, i really liked this one! we may make bad decisions sometimes and it’ll take a long time before we even realize it, but it teaches us a lesson to do better next time. i think this movie also teaches us to let go of the things that hurt us but also keep the things that we love and cherish.

also, look! a list! its the one in the film heheh

How to Dump:

Step 1: Set your goals and find inspiration.

Step 2: Don’t reminisce the past.

Step 3: Don’t feel too much.

Step 4: Don’t waver. Be heartless.

Step 5: Don’t add more things.

Step 6: Don’t look back.

thanks for reading !! :)

#netflix #must watch #asian series #thai #thailand #thai show #thai series #thai movie #aokbab chutimon #happy old year #konmari method #minimalism #nostalgia #film review #movie #film

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dopescotlandwarrior · 5 years ago

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West Bound

Claire Beauchamp is leaving Boston and moving her surgical practice and horses to Arizona. Jamie Fraser is a world-class champion who leads Claire back to a passion she gave up when the wrong man said I love you. Trouble finds Claire in the cut-throat, competitive sport of the equestrian but she has Jamie, Angus, and Rupert behind her.

AO3

Ch-2 Ch-3 Ch-4 Ch-5 Ch-6 Ch-7 Ch-8

Chapter One

Driving across the country alone can be daunting, especially if you are a young woman alone, pulling two horses. When Claire decided to escape Boston and move out west she planned meticulously, analyzed her vehicle and trailer options, and found the most suitable barn once she arrived. She sold her brownstone fully furnished. The only possessions going with her were her clothes, tack, and horses. She also purchased a new cowboy hat and a new pair of sexy sunglasses. She looked at her tight jeans and western shirt, put her hat and glasses on, and decided by the time she reached Arizona they would feel like a second skin. She still had trouble walking in anything less than a three-inch heel but that would come with practice.

Yesterday she turned the keys of her surgical practice over to the new owners without a second thought. Same with closing on her home last week for a cool 1.8 million cash. There was no sentimental pull or sadness. She felt utterly detached from her home of twenty-five years. Whatever made her feel so cold inside she hoped would be cured in Arizona. The last item on her list was to load the horses and get on the road. It was four o’clock in the morning.

Claire carried her grooming and wrapping bucket into the first stall and was greeted with a horse hug from Fred. She paused and hugged him coo’ing about their adventure. Fifteen minutes later she got the same hug from Ginger and got busy brushing, braiding, and wrapping tail and legs. “Don’t you two look fancy!” She led Fred to the trailer and walked him up the ramp and snapped him in. He was overjoyed at the heap of hay in the feeder and started eating. Next came Ginger up the ramp, a little more nervous but Claire was gentle and reassuring. With everything stowed Claire pulled out of the stables for the last time.

She loved this truck, a full-sized Ram with a matching trailer. The luxury interior package included ergonomic seats, blue tooth in the steering wheel, navigation, rear video, interior trailer video, and a bunch of stuff she had not found yet. All on voice command. “Change to interior video.” Claire watched Fred and Ginger munch on their breakfast. “You guys look happy. Here we go.”

She would drive for twelve hours stopping for 30 minutes to let the horses out at mid-day. She had reservations for each night at a B&B that also rented stalls and came recommended by her equestrian association for safety. Fred and Ginger were very special horses that were trained for therapy. Chosen for their docile and loving nature they were among the first group of horses trained at the equestrian therapeutics Institute. “And I’m taking them to Arizona,” she said with a giggle.

Claire had romanticized the first sunrise of her new life seeing the light coming up on a sleeping city as she barreled down the freeway. Reality is sometimes disappointing as commuters swarmed her on all four sides making her head whip between her mirrors and the video trying to negotiate each lane change. She saw her exit coming up fast and had two death-defying lanes to cross and no friendly commuters to allow her to move over. She was covered in sweat but made the exit and took a deep calming breath. “Holy shit.”

The drive became much easier once she was out of commuter traffic. She set the cruise control, popped in a CD and opened her window. “interior video,” all she saw was horse teeth as Ginger was tasting the little camera above her head. “What a goofball.”

Claire gripped the steering wheel when she pulled into the B&B. She was so tired she almost fell out of the truck when the door opened. She hurried to register and get the horses out of the trailer. It was a beautiful property with ample outdoor lighting. The owners offered her use of the arena and Claire was grateful. Once both were inside she closed the gate and clapped her hands sending them both speeding, bucking, and snorting around the large arena. Claire laughed at the high tails and swinging heads, pure horse happiness after a long stressful day. Ginger loped up to her and spread frothy goobers down her face. “Ew, Jesus Ginger!”

Once Fred and Ginger were safe in their stalls with food and water Claire got to her room, grabbed a robe and towel and headed for a hot shower. The soap smelled heavenly, the water was soft and Claire started to relax. Then the lights went out and the water turned ice cold. She shrieked trying to find the faucets in the dark to turn the water off. Groping for the towel, then her robe, then the door handle. She saw little emergency lights along the hall. Thank God she thought as she shivered down the hall looking for her room. She bumped into the manager in the hall and he used a flashlight to help her find her room. He pointed to a battery-operated light on the desk and she had enough light to find the bed. Fatigue pulled her to a blissfully dreamless sleep. At three o’clock in the morning, the power came back on and her room lit up with multiple lamps. She turned them off quickly and jumped back in bed squeezing her eyes shut and waiting. “Damn it! I really need a few more hours,” she whined.

The safety locks snapped down on the trailer doors, horses were brushed and re-wrapped and the Dodge roared to life. Claire was tired but anxious to put another two states behind her. She had one hour of unimpeded travel before the swarms of commuters came from all directions. Traffic slowed to a crawl for ten miles and finally opened up for normal speeds. She set the cruise, turned up the music, opened her window and felt the first pang of…what? Loneliness, sadness, loss, yearning? She couldn’t decide so she turned the music up louder, checked the video, and pushed the petal. Why not? She never had a speeding ticket in her twenty-five years. She was due. She set the cruise at 75 and sang to the music. She felt absolutely wicked speeding down the highway and hadn’t noticed the speed limit postings were 75 MPH.

Another B&B, another early rise to load the horses and another long highway stretched before her. She saw the signs to Phoenix on the fourth day and let out a whoop! Followed by Fred kicking the trailer sides in protest. She turned the interior video on and blew kisses to her favorite couple. “We are almost home you guys!”

Mid-afternoon she followed the exit to Mesa and headed East. Traffic was light and she looked at the buildings along the highway. She wondered if she would travel this highway a lot in the future. She flew through Mesa and finally saw her exit to Ironwood Drive. Her navigation turned her North for seven miles. She was so ready to put the horses up in their new home and then find a hotel for the night. This was the only night she didn’t prebook because she could easily find lodging for herself. She decided to find something with a huge bathtub and a full room service menu. She couldn’t wait.

She drove into the foothills and gasped at the sight in the rearview mirror. The valley floor spread out beneath her and she wondered what that must look like at night. There was desert all around her, exotic and beautiful. Tall Saguaro cactus loomed above her showing two and three arms raised in greeting she thought. Her heart was pounding as she turned into Fraser Equestrian. The place took her breath away and she stopped to just look at the multiple paddocks and pastures, deep green against the desert brown. New foals were sticking close to their mothers, and horses in the adjoining pen straining to see and smell. She pulled up the long drive and pulled next to the main barn. It was white with forest green trim and she counted twenty stall doors along one side with horses peering out half doors to look at her. It was glorious and a fitting home for Fred and Ginger.

“Good afternoon!” Claire turned to see two men walking toward her. They offered their hand to her and she shook them smiling.

“I am Claire Beauchamp, I have rented two stalls for my guys here.” They looked at the two rumps in the trailer and smiled.

“I’m Rupert and this is Angus. C’mon lets see where Jaime has put ya.” Claire followed. She spoke to Jaime Fraser on the phone from Boston and thought him friendly but a bit aloof. The bur from these two men sounded like him, so they were probably from the same area of Scotland. They walked the length of the barn without finding Jaime. The large board near the office had her name on two stalls where she was escorted.

“No, this is not what we agreed to! I rented two stalls that had doors to the outside, not interior stalls, and they have to be together.” Claire was overtired and getting upset. She wanted to be friendly but she just didn’t have it in her. Rupert suggested putting the horses up for the night and Jaime would figure it out tomorrow. Claire was too tired to argue and went to fetch Fred and Ginger from the trailer. Rupert watched her walk away with interest. He whistled low, appreciating the tight jeans, long legs, and champion ass.

“Can I help ye lass?” Claire gratefully accepted Rupert’s offer to lead Ginger to her stall.

“We can feed them tonight, what do they get?” Claire eased Fred down the ramp.

“They both get two flakes and a scoop of grain” she called. Rupert walked in a zigzag and noticed Ginger’s nose stayed three inches from his right shoulder. “Yer a good lassie, aye?”

When Claire walked Fred into his stall there was already grain and hay waiting for him. She leaned against him and dropped her head on his back. He moved into her and waited like he would with a child or challenged adult.

“I love you, Fred.”

Claire pulled out of the equestrian center and asked Siri for the closest hotel. The fourth motel Siri directed her to was as run down and frightening as the first three. Her fatigue was mounting and she did not know what to do. It was late and she just couldn’t drive anymore. She headed back to the center and curled up in the corner of Fred’s stall with a blanket. The wood chips smelled new and she was out in seconds. She dreamed of dancing with him in his shiny shoes and impeccable suit. He expertly twirled her around the dance floor. She felt graceful and adored, with her skirt flowed up her legs as he spun her.

“Hey!”

Claire’s head snapped up and she saw Fred startle at the loud noise. She tried to focus at the man coming into Fred’s stall.

“C’mon lass, this is no place to sleep, for a human anyway. Are ye doctor Beauchamp?”

Claire shook her head and blinked hard. Too many nights with little sleep made her groggy and weak. She stood up holding her blanket in front of her. She looked like a scared little girl and her first step pitched her forward landing in strong warm arms. She looked up at the face attached to those arms. “Wow,” came as a whisper followed by her hand clamped tight against her mouth.

“I, I’m sorry, yes I’m Dr. Beauchamp and this is Fred who is my horse and I couldn’t find a suitable hotel and Fred said I could bunk with him tonight.” Her last sentence was an effort to speak and she looked back at the corner she slept in and started moving toward it. Those annoying arms stopped her and she looked at him sharply.

“Alright lass, ye sleepin on my couch tonight.” He pulled her along and closed the stall taking her blanket. He stopped to make a note on the board and Claire sunk into a corner and closed her eyes. She was asleep before he turned around.

“Wait just a second lass, ye canna sleep there either.” He pulled Claire to her feet among strong protests and guided her out of the barn and into his golf cart.

“I’ll have ye wrapped and snug in two minutes Dr. Beauchamp.” He drove toward the house and felt her head come down on his shoulder. She was unconscious and Jaime chuckled.

“You musta left Boston with the devil chasin ye lass.” The house was set away from the center on a beautiful lawn of green grass with lights along the tiered walkway. He lifted Claire against his chest and carried her into the house. He pulled the blanket up to her chin and she snuggled down into it. “Thank you, mister, um, mister.” Jaime smiled at her. Noticing her long black hair tangled into her fingers he pulled her hand away and gently pulled the hair out.

“Well then, you’re a beautiful girl doctor Beauchamp, alone in the Arizona desert. What has someone done to make ye run so far?” Jaime estimated her sleep deprivation would keep her down at least until he woke up with the dawn. He climbed the wide circular staircase pulling off his shirt as he walked into his bathroom. He stripped the rest of the way and turned the knobs that shot warm water out of three heads. He stood still and let the hot water release his muscles and back. He thought about that beautiful face asleep on his couch. A doctor from Boston. He was very intrigued. He slipped into sweats and a t-shirt and stood at the railing of his upstairs loft looking down at her. He eventually dropped his body into his king-sized bed and barely threw the quilt up before he passed out.

Claire’s eyes popped open at five o’clock in the morning. Her surroundings confused her at first and then she remembered the owner catching her asleep in Fred’s stall. “I am an idiot,” she said quietly. She folded the extra blanket and pulled out a note pad from her purse to say thank you. Then she crept quietly to the door to slip out but the open door tripped the alarm bells which were loud enough to wake the dead, and Fraser, who flew down the stairs and punched in the code for quiet.

“Jesus H Roosevelt Christ! I am so sorry Mr. Fraser, I didn’t think, I didn’t want, …” Claire hoped she would evaporate in her misery but she was still there. She just looked down and shook her head.

Jaime took the opportunity to notice her long legs, long arms, and long hair, then looked up to her eyes as she lifted her head. He was stuck and staring at the most gorgeous eyes he had ever seen. They were the color of good whiskey and rimmed with dark brown making them look beautiful and exotic. He recovered quickly and tried to make Claire feel better.

“Tis fine lass had to get up now anyway. Would you like some coffee before you leave?” Take the coffee, please, he thought. I like lookin at ye and yer too rattled to drive.

“Another time perhaps, I’m sorry about the alarm and thank you for the rescue last night. Goodbye, Mr. Fraser.”

Jaime chuckled, at the slamming door. He watched her run for the barn and admired the backside of her not seen before. Her application to rent two stalls described her horses as therapeutic and gave impressive training credentials. It would be a pleasant change to have a nice lady doctor with docile horses for a change. He was sick of the cut-throat competition equestrians inspired, including his girlfriend. He picked up his cell phone. “Laoghaire my darlin where ye been? Ye have a show this weekend and ye horse needs some work. Call me.” He dropped the phone thinking about his blonde lass with cherry cheeks and a body to stop a mack truck. Put her in a tight riding jacket and the judges soon forget why they were there. It’s a good thing, she hasn’t been able to ride out of a paper bag lately.

#outlander fanfic outlander fanfiction Jamie and Claire

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smokedstorybara · 5 years ago

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writing romance without relying on kisses

earlier I reblogged this post about writing romance and how you shouldn’t rely on a kiss to show that there’s something there

I went through the notes hoping that someone had added advice on how to write good romance - without being completely things that could also apply to friendships or family - so I could add it to my queue

I couldn’t find any that passed my personal requirements - the closest was a list of ways the commenter interacts with their spouse, and while it was a lovely glimpse into married life it was also entirely things I and people I know have done with friends and/or family and so it would be very easy for people to claim a written relationship based on that list isn’t actually romantic - especially if the characters are the same gender and/or at least one of them is a person of color and/or disabled

so I’ve decided to make my own post(despite having very little experience giving writing advice), accompanied by a few example excerpts from my own writing

setting the stage:

characters a & b have just recently met or the story has recently started and they haven’t been fully established yet, what are some ways to slip in that they’re meant to be love interests? (these can be used continually throughout the story as well, not just at the beginning, but they are what you should try to start with)

character a loses their train of thought or forgets they’re doing or holding something, generally as a result of distraction caused by character b’s voice, appearance, mannerisms, proximity, etc.

character a finds themself unable to get character b - or a specific detail of, or moment with, them - out of their head

character a explicitly describes character b as attractive, using phrases like “a cute guy” in thoughts or when talking to others about them

branching from that: romanticized descriptions, words like glowing, shining, “like a dream/angel”, etc.

cliche ice-breaker questions - this would also work for new friends, so don’t only use this one - have them ask about each other’s likes, dislikes, hopes and fears, it shows that they’re getting to know one another and can help establish familiarity down the line

desire to impress and keep from feeling bad: character a wants character b to think well of them and berates themself mentally if they think they’ve messed that up, and character a will find themself jumping to reassure character b at signs of self-consciousness or confidence issues

hyper-awareness of proximity and/or contact

getting to know you:

your characters have been established, character a and character b are familiar with each other, possibly even friends - what now?

the characters find each other easy to talk to, find themselves sharing things they might not usually - being more honest - have a desire to share places, things, memories, etc. with each other

character a starts adjusting their schedule for express purpose of spending more time with character b

casual compliments, slipping things like “you’re adorable” into conversation or calling the other beautiful in a casual way

hand-holding

comfortable silence

enjoying listening to each other ramble, especially on subjects they’re passionate about

besties:

ok, now they’re definitely close, possibly best friends, we need to make their feelings for each other a little clearer, it needs to evolve from a potential into a “so this is gonna happen right?”

character a keeps small things character b gave them, like a leaf, flower, pretty rock, seashell, etc.

on a similar vein: gifts! food/candy, movies/cds, clothes/blankets, pets, random things that made character a think of character b

anxious, paranoid, or traumatized character feels unusually safe with other character - possibly even to the degree of falling asleep easier than usual/sleeping better around them

remarkable depth of understanding each other

important and deep promises - generally along the vein of “you won’t drive me away”

defending each other without hesitation - more impactful from nervous/anxious character

casual affection - leaning on each other, cuddling, arms around shoulders, draping all over each other, laying with heads in laps, etc.

good-natured “arguing”, jokes about marriage/divorce, etc.

cute nicknames

character a rambling to family or other friends about character b

unquestionable:

you’re somewhere in the latter end of your story, now you need to set up and execute the characters getting together, how do you do it in a way that cannot be denied but doesn’t rely on The Kiss to carry the weight?

getting better for each other - not relying on each other for mental health, but actively seeking out help from councilors, therapists, family to avoid risk of hurting each other

freudian slips, character a calls character b handsome/beautiful/gorgeous instead of their name, calls them cute without thinking, things like that

thoughts of kissing and almost kisses

almost confessions, derailed, interrupted, chickened out of

actual confessions with full on “I’m in love with you”s

explicit labels like boyfriend/girlfriend/datemate, date, lovers/partners/significant others, etc

#writing advice #romance

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livingasaghost · 5 years ago

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buckle up bitches we’re reflecting on high school tonight!

recently i’ve been dwelling a lot on ~the past~ mainly high school and it’s been really interesting because i feel like i can look back on everything more clearly now than i used to. like i’ve finally gotten enough space and perspective that it feels...distant. but also if i think too hard i can physically remember it all.

like part of what made high school such a TIME was that i had just started exploring other parts of the internet - obviously i got a tumblr, but i spent a majority of my time reading random blogs and stalking flickr profiles (this was pre-instagram my dudes) and watching youtube videos. and all of that resulted in me creating this version of myself that i thought didn’t exist. the one who read a bunch of cool books and wore rings and cute clothes, who ran a successful blog and took photos on her film camera all the time and wrote songs and posted them on the internet. who made playlists and mix cds and drove around in a janky mini-van (except it was ~cool~ ya know?) and went to bonfires with her friends and stayed up late watching movies at sleepovers....and it all felt like this dream i could never achieve. i just kept seeing it happen to other people and i pretended i was living their lives while i just sat on my couch after school eating cereal and watching reruns of what i like about you. and in truth, i do recall feeling very stuck. i was bored, didn’t have access to a car most of the time, and i also just like...didn’t WANT to go out into the world. i was really depressed and scared and i wanted everything to stay the same forever. (and plus i had a SHITTON of homework to do every night.) but in truth, looking back, i...had that life. that romantic life i wanted. maybe not to the extent that i expected, maybe not in a way that was truly as aesthetically pleasing as i wanted, but it was there. i did all those things. i had a stereotypical high school life. and hell i even did all that PRE-smart phone!!! which was actually great.

it’s just kind of shitty that for YEARS i convinced myself that my life wasn’t enough. like i spent all those months sitting on my parents’ couch on my laptop going “OH WOE IS ME I WISH MY LIFE WERE LIKE THIS PERSON’S!” but like.....did i not notice my parents making me dinner every night? did i not see all the stupid film i developed like a pretentious asshole? did i not notice all the cool books i was reading or the music i was listening to? it just sucks that i was romanticizing a life i already had and i COULDN’T RECOGNIZE THAT!!! so then, as i was considering all this, i wondered if maybe i was doing that now. if i have a life now that is what i actually want it to be but i’m so blinded by all the things i want to change that i can’t recognize it for the beautiful thing it is. like true the last 3 years have been hell and they’ve been weird and they changed me as a person, but goddammit they have been SPECTACULAR! and i don’t appreciate this time enough! i was in my early twenties and doing so many cool things - my job was so WEIRD! so unique! so interesting! - and yet at the end of the day i was still kinda depressed and upset with where i was at in life. i didn’t appreciate a damn thing.

growing old is interesting because you do get a chance to reassess your life every few years and you start seeing patterns and unhealthy ways of thinking, and yet you’re still you. like if 2010 jenna showed up we could talk for hours bc genuinely i still love 80% of the stuff she did. but i’d also have a stern talking to her about stuff like her political beliefs and the career she wants to pursue and the way she handles procrastination and her diet and her self-talk and so many things. because i recognize now all the weird stuff that was going on back then. i realize now that A BITCH SHOULD’VE GONE TO THERAPY BC SHE WAS DEPRESSED! but i couldn’t recognize it then. i didn’t realize a lot of things bc i was just young. and i’m sure in 10 years i’ll think “oh god remember when you were 24 and you thought you had it all figured out?” which is also pretty cool. because if i’m confident in who i am as a person right now, if i’m happy with myself and my life and my work, then that must mean that after ten more iterations of this “self” i will be somewhere INFINITELY better than where i am now. more than that, if it keeps happening, by the time i’m 40, 50, 60, 70, i will be....INCREDIBLE.

humans just love romanticizing things and i find it fascinating that we romanticize the past and the future but rarely the present. like right now i am sitting in my freezing cold room, on my full-sized white-sheeted bed with a fluffy blanket around my legs (i can’t feel my feet they’re so cold) and my hair’s up in a near-perfect messy bun. my room is....incredibly cluttered - i have boxes to my right that i need to pack things in, a suitcase ahead of me that’s overflowing with clothes, my space heater is ON, there’s chickfila on my desk from dinner, and i feel....so content. like it’s a mess, i’m ready to move, but this room has supported me for nearly four years now. i feel at home, happy, blessed. and i know in a few years i’ll be thinking back on this room, on this time, going “oh my god but that gallery wall i had! the lights were so cute! that room had so many bookshelves!!! it was eclectic but damn it was so nice and homey.” and i’ll forget the bugs i had to kill or the fact that i use like 2.5 bathrooms regularly or that the kitchen was gross or that it’s always freezing in the winter or that the hardwood floors were covered in hair...but there’s something romantic about that too isn’t there?

i guess i just miss ten years ago. even though i’d NEVER ever go back to who i was or what i had to do back then (2011-2012 was a bitch and i fucking hate her)...that was the first time i really felt like myself. like when i first found this website i really felt changed as a person. it was a place i felt seen, understood, where i could fully express myself even if no one heard me. and the life i lived back then was just...straight out of a stupid ya novel. with difficult classes and my friends inviting me to the occasional sleep over. i miss the stupid honors students who would always be so pretentious. i miss my german teacher who was annoying and loud but who always decorated her room with christmas lights during the winter months. i miss watching what i like about you reruns, honestly. and i miss flickr!!!! a lot! (i know it’s still around but it isn’t the same.) it’s just you never notice when you’re in something until you’re out of it. and then it’s over and all you can do is reflect on it and reminisce and wish you could go back. and even if history repeats itself, it never does so in the same way. like i can reread all my favorite books from ten years ago, but it doesn’t change the fact that i’m in a different stage of life, that i can never go back to who i was the first time i experienced all that.

life is just so goddamn long.

i really do wonder what my life will be like looking back on this time in ten years. i wonder where i’ll be then thinking about where i am now. who i’ll be. who i am.

#personal

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fiendfriend · 5 years ago

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CW: mentions of trauma + abuse aftermath and illness. Nothing in detail and all extremely generalized. I’m yelling in circles about the idea of using Problematic Content To Cope.

The thing about using “problematic content to cope” is that so much of the time it’s taking advantage of the good faith of other people and actively causing harm to yourself and others. If you are truly writing or drawing or engaging in something Problematic to Cope, what purpose is there in making it public, or monetizing it, or branding it, or making it your entire personality, if not for the online validation or attention or for sexual purposes, or anything like that?

This is explicitly about romanticisation. I don’t know if that’s a real word, but that’s what I’m talking about for the most part. This is not about people speaking or writing or creating art or engaging with music/literature/movies/etc relating to their personal situation as a way of opening up, starting a conversation, or processing what happened to them. That’s called “coping”. Like, real, actual coping, which most therapists and other professionals might encourage you to do.

All people need spaces to work through their emotions without being shamed for it, yes, and everybody deals with the lingering effects of their own situations in different ways, yes, but coping is not the same thing as “it feels good” “it’s fun” “it’s sexy” “it’s interesting”.

Coping is something that helps you make sense of your situation and helps you function better in daily life. Stop retraumatizing yourself. Stop exposing yourself to the events or subject matter that got you here in the first place. Do you think that’ll really help you? Not for the time being, not for tomorrow, but in the long term. The ultimate goal should, ideally, be to eventually stop. You can’t stay in that hole forever. You’ll get eaten alive.

Do you know how insulting and hurtful and alienating it is to see other people around you find pleasure in something that caused and most likely still causes you pain? Do you have any idea how fucking humiliating that is?

There’s also the issue of co-opting the struggles of others for your own benefit (or detriment, whatever). I don’t mean how some posts will have a list of symptoms or behaviors with a flag on it that says ONLY INTERACT IF YOU HAVE X DISORDER. There are rarely ever clean cut borders when it comes to things like illness, ability, trauma, upbringing, class, all that fun shit. Overlap! Obviously I can’t speak for everybody. I don’t necessarily want clean cut borders. Does it hurt me to see stereotypes of my illness being treated as a fun quirky character flaw or trope to write porn about? Does it hurt me when I see people “exploring” scenarios that mirror my own illnesses or traumatic experiences? Of course it fucking hurts! It isn’t fair that some people get to explore something and then walk away. And most of it is done badly, anyway.

This is also not an issue of “don’t like, don’t look!” “do not interact if...!”

Everybody knows how unrealistic and naive that is. You can block every tag, every series, every user and writer and artist, and still encounter something that’ll fuck your whole entire day up. Does this mean no one is ever allowed to depict scary or upsetting or uncomfortable things? Nah. Does that mean doing so automatically makes you a bad and irredeemable person? Also nah. But you have to do it responsibly.

I can empathize with people who turn to something harmful -- to an extent. I’ve done it. I still do it. I have so many godawful slasher movies and true crime books and painful to listen to CDs about abuse on my shelf right now. I talk about the gross and paranoia inducing parts of forensics and criminology classes, or the upsetting parts about my personal life, but only with people who I know for a fact are okay with hearing or seeing or knowing about it. Like my therapist, or my dad, or other people with an interest in forensics and criminology, or my close personal friends. Mostly my therapist, because he’s the one who went to school for handling that sort of information.

I can empathize with people who turn to something harmful, but I cannot and refuse to empathize with anyone who knowingly puts vulnerable people at risk of trauma or victimization, or in positions of extreme discomfort.

If one is going to Cope using (for lack of a better term) ideologically harmful content, it needs to be done with extreme scrutiny and FUCKING HOPEFULLY a therapist. (Most of the time there is no therapist. I can dream.) By extreme scrutiny, I don’t mean tacking on a cute little “I don’t endorse this :) Don’t do it irl!“. I mean really looking deep inside yourself and analyzing what about it is pivotal to what you are trying to accomplish. And I also don’t mean looking at people who use this kind of thing as a coping mechanism for something terrible that happened to them and going “die, you freak.” Traumatized people or ill people or people in general who feel the urge to romanticize their past for any reason need compassion and support. Burying an emotion or urge without dealing with it is also not “coping”. Support and critical engagement is crucial when it comes to processing and letting go of harmful behaviors.

Anyway, I’m going to post this and forget about it, or else I’ll keep coming back saying “AND ANOTHER THING” for twelve hours. The short of it is, if you feel like you absolute need to write about how hot violent acts of abuse are or how fun it is to draw disturbing porn or what the fuck ever, like if you reeeeeally need to do that or else you can’t function... don’t post about it, dude. Try talking to somebody who is equipped to handle it, without making it sexual or edgy or funny for once.

Also, don’t reblog this, ya jerks! I’m not in the mood for randos coming at me with their bad opinions.

#this is very choppy but i am tired and i am no academic

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amysubmits · 2 years ago

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Last night I was denied an orgasm just a few minutes after being allowed to orgasm. I hadn’t realized it until he said ‘no’, but I was expecting him to say ‘yes’ seems how he let me have the first one. It’s not common for him to allow me an orgasm to then turn around and deny me the next one.

Despite being surprised at his response - and him teasing me about it some (”You thought you were going to get to cum, didn’t you?”) I took it well. I quickly transitioned from surprised, physically frustrated and somewhat emotionally frustrated - to really feeling the power exchange and enjoying the submission within it.

----------

In a dream D/s world, that would be as “bad” of a reaction as I’d ever have to denial, whether orgasm denial or my dom denying anything else that I wanted but didn’t need. At least, to part of my brain - that sounds like the dream. The other part of my brain realizes that’s just super goofy.

The reality is that I react to being denied what I want in tons of different ways depending on the circumstances. There are times where I do sort of want something, but I want to be denied even more than I want the thing! For example, sometimes being denied an orgasm excites me more than getting to orgasm - and sometimes similar things are true with non-sexual denial, too. Sometimes I ask permission for something and most of me wants him to say no. Those types of denial scenarios are by far the easiest to cope with - because despite being denied in a certain context, I’m also not really being denied what I want because what I want is denial - or to be told no, to feel a boundary, etc.

Other times are more like I described when starting this post...where my top preference would be to hear a ‘yes’ rather than a ‘no’ - but where it’s pretty easy to accept, and I can enjoy the feeling of submission that comes from having my desire denied.

But sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it makes me cranky. Sometimes I really strongly want what I want. Sometimes my desire for the thing I want is so strong that I really have to pause and consider if this is a need or a want based on how we define want and need. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the difference. At least a couple times over the years, I’ve just came to CD and admitted to him that I was really struggling with wanting something or really struggling with being denied something and how it wasn’t sure if it had crossed over into a need or not. Sometimes we have to try to figure it out together. It can be a gray area with D/s sometimes.

Anyway. Sometimes even when it is clear that this is just a want, I will just want it really bad, and struggle with being told no. I think it’s easy to romanticize being told no within D/s. Memes and other things in BDSM and D/s circles romanticize it. So I think all I wanted to really say on this one was...I can really enjoy being told ‘no’ sometimes. And sometimes it’s complicated in that it frustrates me, but fulfills something in me at the same time. And other times it can pretty much just be frustrating. Sometimes we have to talk about needs and wants and feelings to strike he right balance. It’s more complicated than BDSM memes make it out to be.

Also, I have occasionally come across the idea that a ‘true’ sub would be okay with having their wishes ignored all the time - that they’d only ever raise a concern if a literal survival need (Food, water, sleep, etc) was unmet. I think that type of mindset is deeply harmful - truly objectifying, truly degrading, etc - not in the kink sense. I think it’s super important to know where kink starts and the serious beliefs within your dynamic begin. If it turns you on to think things like ‘only my doms pleasure matters’ or similar, I totally get that kink. But in reality? Subs are people. People have wishes, some of them small, some of them big - I think all people need to have their wishes fulfilled sometimes in order to feel good or cared for or prioritized, etc. Exactly how often may vary from person to person - but the idea that only literal needs should matter to a ‘true’ sub is BS in my opinion.

@sccwriting

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toyahinterviews · 3 years ago

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TOYAH ON RADIO BORDERS WITH HUGH BROWN 8.10.2009

HUGH: What did a young Toyah Willcox want to do when she left school? TOYAH: The young Toyah Willcox wanted to dominate the world and be like Julie Andrews and then punk came along and I very happily became a punk rocker. I always wanted to act and sing but I never wanted to do them together. I wasn’t interested in stage musicals, even though I have ended up doing those. I wanted to keep them separate, I wanted two very solid but diverse careers and I've managed to have about five diverse careers. But I did want world domination. But the glory about growing older as you get more experienced, you become more enriched as an artist and you get little more realistic about your ambitions. HUGH: Tell us how you came into the punk mode then? How did you fall into punk music? Was it was a band at school or …?

TOYAH: No, I left school when I was 17 and I moved to London to be the youngest member of the Royal Theatre Company when I was about 18. And that happened because I got spotted on the streets of Birmingham and I ended up in a BBC2 play with another actor called Phil Daniels, who about four years later I made “Quadrophenia” with. Punk kind of embraced me, I was an oddball from Birmingham. I didn’t really fit into any of the compartments women were supposed to fit into. I wasn't very ladylike, I was very tomboyish. I was small, dumpy, I just didn't fit the Farrah Fawcett-Majors kind of mould. And punk came along and made way for women like me and it also embraced women like me who are articulate but not necessarily academic. So I was very, very grateful for punk rock. And then I ended up in Derek Jarman's movie “Jubilee”, which was a punk rock movie. Ian Charleson, the actor from "Chariots Of Fire" introduced me to Derek Jarman and Derek was very, very open about his casting technique. He threw me script over a cup of tea and said “choose whichever part you want” and that's how I got the role. And Derek kind of fell in love with me for a bit and cast me as Miranda in “The Tempest” (below) which was an award winning film of Shakespeare's “The Tempest” and that was really it for me. That kind of set me off around the world.

HUGH: We'll talk about the musical you're touring with in a moment, “Vampire’s Rock” but in that you've got a lot of heavy stage make-up. The punk era was like that as well. In fact, I have to tell you as a teenager I found you scary . . . TOYAH: I'm glad you found me scary! I've always wanted to be sightly provocative. Not a hate figure, but definitely provocative and definitely questioning that whole thing of see the person, not the age, not the gender. It's always been incredibly important to me and I've always been provocative of that issue. HUGH: And the whole punk thing obviously had a limited life span and it would come to a natural end - TOYAH: Noooo … HUGH: Is it coming back again?

TOYAH: I played, about five years ago, Wasted Festival (below), which is a punk festival that plays around the world. 20,000 punk rockers of all age groups. What I'd say is that I've moved on with my natural age. I've never stayed a punk rocker. I've always moved on with each decade, but there's plenty of punks out there and there's plenty of people out there that want their punk music. HUGH: Do you think women in music are treated any better or worse than men in music? Because if you think again of the punk era - that was very male dominated ...

TOYAH: Ooh no no … I've got to tell it from my point of view. It's a very good question, a really superb question. Thank you. When I came into the music business, as a punk rocker, it was male dominated. The music industry now thanks to punk rock, new wave and New Romanticism is probably today run by 80% women. The executives are women and that is thanks to punk rock. But when I started, yeah, it was male dominated but it allowed women like me who were very voicy and very opinionated to come into the business and to change it. And I think music now is still 80% about women, but you have still got sexism and you still got ageism. And I think again it's down to people like me who have been around for 32 years or longer to say, well, actually we're still creative. We still got something to say. We're still pushing out the boundaries and we're not going to go away. And that's how we fight our revolution. HUGH: You mentioned “Quadrophenia”. It's an iconic film, still very highly regarded even all these years later. Was that a turning point for you and your career? Do you look back on that and think I'm glad I did that?

TOYAH: (I'm) Very glad I did “Quadrophenia”, but when it came out it was critically panned. And I don't know why it was panned because as far as I can see it was always great movie. I don't think it was released too early or too late. It was released at the right time but people really attacked Franc Roddam (the director), they attacked The Who, they attacked the script writer, they attacked the cast and it was really odd. I don't know why. And then the audience voted with its feet. Which is the best way to have a hit. And every generation has rediscovered that film and made it their own. So I'm more than glad I did that movie and yes, it has done very well for me. Probably not as well as having hit singles in the 80’s and being part of the 80’s musical genre, but I'm certainly very, very proud of having done it. HUGH: Can we look for a second at your music because thinking of your 13 Top 40 singles and umpteen albums, songs like “It’s A Mystery”. They were unique. It was so different I think even at that time, which was, as we've mentioned, dominated a lot by punk rock, although I think towards the end of the 70’s almost anything went and we look at the Top 40, it was so eclectic -

TOYAH: It was a revolution, we needed revolution. The young people of the late 1970’s had to find a voice. We were politically in quite a bad place. There was a lot of unemployment. There was a lot of the "Winter of Discontent" going on. There were riots and England breeds phenomenal people - let me resay that - the UK breeds phenomenal people. With great history, great culture, great attitudes, fantastic ideas and there was no outlet in the late 70’s and punk came along and let the stop valve go. We let off steam but also we recreated the culture of the youth because nothing had been happening since the 1960’s. And I think you know this is what young people do, and they do it so well, they create their own islands by which to stand on and go na na na to the rest of the world. And thank goodness it happened. HUGH: The big breakthrough single is “It's A Mystery.” Tell us about it?

TOYAH: Well, “It's A Mystery.” written by Keith Hale and it was mainly an instrumental for a band called Blood Donor and it was written in about 1979. An my record company heard it and asked if I’d buy demo it so myself and (producer) Nick Tauber rearranged it and I wrote the second verse and we made it into a song. So we demoed it. I wasn't particularly fond of it because I felt it was too feminine for what I wanted to stand for. I was very bombastic and wanted my music to be very kind very out there and very powerful. Ironically Girl Power about 20 years before Girl Power came along. But “It's A Mystery” … was massive. Absolutely massive. It sold 75,000 units a week, I think even a day on some days, it was selling that many. I remember the vinyl printing factories had to stay open 24 hours a day to reach demand, which was incredible when you think some people get to n:o1 today, in the present climate, selling 2000 units a week. So “It's A Mystery” sold and sold and sold.

HUGH: I was in a very well known record shop in the High Street the other day, and Cliff and The Shadows are back together and made an album and there was the CD single and a 7 inch vinyl single - TOYAH: Yeah. Vinyl is coming back. I think that's good news. People want for their money, they want something they can have a relationship with, something in their hand. It's a collectors piece. And I think what people forget about vinyl is people collected it. It wasn't just about the quality of the song, the quality of the album cover and the artist, it was actually about having a collection. And I think vinyl will come back. HUGH: The 80’s, is funny how things, you know, what "goes around comes around" because you yourself have been involved in some some 80’s revival tours and things with other artists, and they seem to be huge. The Rick Astley's, Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, they’re all back and back in fashion again. Do you think that's because music just goes in circles and comes back again?

TOYAH: I think there's an element of we’re still alive, and I say that with respect, because I do think that because of the way media is at the moment, when someone passes away, there is incredible media about it and I've noticed since Michael Jackson's passed away that people of far nicer to me than they ever have been. (whispers) Thank you Michael! There is that element there, that Spndau are still alive and to put that into perspective about the size of audiences were getting ... The week Oasis disbanded in Paris, on that night they were playing to 30,000 people. I opened the Rewind festival ... 30,000 people. We're getting the same amount of people as the current acts, and that never gets featured. No one ever puts their hand up and say "OK, you’re old rockers, but actually you're drawing bigger crowds than the younger people and we are". Its phenomenally popular.

HUGH: And I think it's interesting because my daughter is just coming up on 8 and I've introduced her to late 70’s and 80’s music and although she likes the current stuff too, it's amazing - she just loves that kind of stuff and I think it is probably a lot of sons and daughters of those who came first time round -

TOYAH: Oh yeah! For me I love Cream in The Yard Birds. Early Stones, I mean magnificent songs that resonate in the part of me that had no worries and had no insecurities. Therefore when I hear those songs, I remember a time which was a really happy time. I would have been about 8 or 9 so I imagine with a lot of the 80’s stuff they allow people to kind of forget the present. And experience the fantasy of being truly truly happy, because I do think we live in phenomenally difficult times for everyone. Difficult times for the family, difficult times for teenagers thinking about the future, and I think because of that music has so much more power.

HUGH: I want to ask you about one of your recent roles, about “The Secret Diary Of A Call Girl”, working with Billie Piper (below). That must have been pretty special, I would think?

TOYAH: I love that. I mean, I've done very few days filming on it, but I love the fact that they cast me, a singer, as Billie Piper's mother. I think it's so clever because Billie, she's had a singing career. She might revisit it. But I just thought that was great. Really great. She's a tall girl. She spent most of the time kissing me on top of the head, but I'm very very fond of her. She's a very brilliant and talented actress.

HUGH: Let's talk about your tour now and tell us a bit about about the musical. What it actually involves and what the storyline is? TOYAH: “Vampires Rock” (below) is a cult musical. It's been going for about five years and I joined it last year. Has little elements of the Rocky Horror Picture Show about it, but it's not as scripted. And basically it takes the genre of classic rock. If you look at songs by Bon Jovi, AC/DC Alice Cooper, Billy Idol, they're all featured in the show and the lyrics of these songs are used very loosely to tell the story of a nightclub owner in 2020 in New York who wants to get rid of his 2000 year old vampire wife and everyone on stage are vampires. Beautiful band on stage called The Lost Boys, they are stunningly beautiful and the girls scream after them every night. Fabulous musicians, beautiful dancers, and then you got quirky characters like me playing the Devil Queen. So it's basically a rock show that has an incredibly strong sense of theatre about it. A little bit Bowie-esque, Mott The Hoople and Alice Cooper in its visualisation. And a lot of comedy as well, but it rocks. It's really, really good. HUGH: Sort of bouncing in the aisles?

TOYAH: Yeah! Screaming in the aisles, rioting in the aisles. It’s great! HUGH: And you’re touring with that in fact through to next year? TOYAH: Yeah, I'm touring with that until mid-February of next year and then I join it again in September and we tour right through again

HUGH: I'm not trying to write your obituary in anyway, but what's left for Toyah Willcox to do? I mean, you've done so much and we've only been able to touch on a fraction of it in this interview. What else would you like to do? TOYAH: Well, I’ve got my band The Humans, which is incredibly important to me, which is myself, the drummer from REM Bill Riefling. My husband Robert Fripp is guesting with us at the moment and we start touring in February. I created The Humans for the President of Estonia, who invited my husband to play in Estonia, but he couldn't make it so I said "well, I'll come over. I'll put band together and we will write songs in Estonia for Estonia". This took off and the only way I can explain it's like European film noir. It's two electric basses and my voice and a lot of very weird loops and we deconstruct the pop song. So we've got a single out out at the moment called “These Boots Are Made For Walking” and all I can say is it's very New York - Seattle because it slightly deconstructed

HUGH: It’s the old Nancy Sinatra song - TOYAH: Yes, the old Nancy Sinatra song, which is a brilliant classic song. But we've brought the darkness of that song into this millennium. So I'll be working on that band for most of next year. HUGH: I think that's quite brave because it's one of those songs that you wouldn't really expect anyone to cover. Its one of those you think you'd leave well alone? TOYAH: But it's got so many connotations to it. It's a woman singing about the infidelities of a man. The song was written well before the AIDS scare. It was written well before the culture of sadomasochism, yet when you perform it in this day and age it really has quite a dark undertone to it, which is what The Humans is about. The Humans is about the face we wear behind our heads, it's about the dark nature of the human race, so it's perfect for us. HUGH: Tell us what this movie is then?

TOYAH: Yeah, I’ve just starred in a very low budget British movie called “Three To Tango”. And at the moment they're having their press showings and audience showings, which means they get test audience in and the audience kind of write reports. So it might become “Power Of Three” (below). There's two titles at the moment, and it's going to all the festivals next year and I star in it. And it's a British comedy made for £80,000 which is an absolute feat. But the reason I'm telling you about it, the press are saying it's one of the best movies of next year. Apparently it looks as though it has £100 million budget, which is very very clever because it was filmed on high definition around Belsize Park in London. And they've used all the music off an album I wrote with my partner, Simon Darlow, called “In The Court Of The Crimson Queen”, which was out last year, went to number 6 in the iTunes Rock chart. And this is due for release next year and apparently it's wonderful HUGH: We look forward to seeing it. Will it be on general release do you think?

TOYAH: I think it’ll get a limited general release. It’s definitely written for the “Sex An The City” generation and the kind of 50 year olds upwards. It's a very pro film about women in their 50’s reinventing their lives and becoming business women . It's very, very kind of “go girl! You go out and get the life you want. It's never too late”! So I think we'll have a limited release in the cinemas. Then it'll have a TV distribution and then to DVD. But hey, who cares? You know. These films kind of like “Quadrophenia” build and build and build. HUGH: You know, I interviewed Lulu a few years ago, and you remind me a lot of her in that you are looking fantastic! If I may say so -

TOYAH: Oh, thank you! HUGH: You’re looking absolutely brilliant! TOYAH: Thank you! HUGH: How do you keep yourself looking so well? TOYAH:Well, I don't party very much and people get very cross with me because I don't drink and I'm with a team of people at the moment who do nothing but drink (they both laugh) I only allow water and green tea to pass my lips and people can’t handle that at all! And very boringly 1500 calories a day. That's it. It's so important if you want to kind of keep in show business, you just have to live that really boring routine. It’s is not rock’n’roll at all. HUGH: You mentioned about calories ... As you can see, I don't worry about them at all but … (they both burst out laughing) TOYAH: I would like to wake up in the morning and eat a bar of chocolate and then I'd like to go out and have a fried Mars Bar and then I'd like to go out and have fish and chips and then I'd like a bottle of Bourbon and then stay up all night. I mean, if I did that for one night I would not make the show the next day.

So that gives my age away. I really live a military regime when it comes to my health, it's ridiculousbecause when I walk on stage is the Devil Queen. Spitting at the audience. If they knew I have to be in bed by 11 o'clock with a carrot stick and hummus dip and lots of water … I mean they be so disappointed. HUGH: Well, it certainly works. Toyah, been lovely to speak to you. Wish you well with the single, the album and indeed the tour as well TOYAH: Thank you very much

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