#i need to present only my best and most useful side and keep everything else under wraps

[creatingblackcharacters]

“On Human Dignity.”  Blackness, Gender & Sexuality

Two things:

As usual, there’s historical and social context that I need explain! This lesson is not what sexuality is, or ‘how to write being gay while Black’. That’s… not that different from you. What this lesson is, is context on how Blackness plays a role in our presentation and understanding of gender and sexuality (as well as your perception of it), and how that’s something you should consider in your characterization, writing, and character design.

I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING! The reason this took so long was because I read multiple books and wallowed in my remaining lack of understanding. I cannot join The Tumblr Discourse so do not ask. I tried to be as inclusive as I could, but I learn something new on this app every day, so if I miss something- and I’m bound to- I apologize in advance. Please have grace with me.

TW: Sexual assault mention, homophobia, misogynoir, cannibalism, misgendering

“That’s that White People Shit"

I’m putting the hardest part first; walk with me, you’ll be fine!

I will be honest: this section here, while I do think you should know, I don’t really expect nonblack people to incorporate it in depth. Not because it cannot be done, but because it is a sensitive topic that we ourselves are still struggling with. If you have struggled with anything else while writing Black characters up to this point, this one certainly isn’t for you to touch. Just keep in mind!

There’s an idea I’ve heard before on both sides that Black people are more likely to be homophobic, that queerness itself is white. That is a ridiculous belief, but the root of it ends up right back where you think it would: slavery! I’m sure that you saw me post while I was reading The Delectable Negro by gay Black author Vincent Woodard. I shared those increasingly uncomfortable quotes on purpose! If you have a desire to understand Black culture and Black thought, that means being willing to acknowledge Black pain. How can you avoid stereotypes if you avoid learning their source?  

While I will be using quotes from the entire book, the specific chapter of “Eating Nat Turner” is a succinct explanation of why admitting to the presence of homosexuality, gender fluidity, and queer identity within the Black community is so difficult for my people. While I highly, HIGHLY recommend reading this chapter yourself, it essentially comes down to how admitting to such a potential vulnerability in the armor of Blackness, in gender identity and particularly Black masculinity, would allow white supremacy to destroy us as a people, to do validate doing even more cruel things to us when in a position of power over us. It’s a defensive reaction based in trauma that disregards and discards the queer members of our own community as a threat, a liability when it comes to fighting against the ubiquitous presence of white supremacy.

“Intuitively, Black gay men understood the issue of homosexuality during slavery as a complex phenomenon shaped by a number of factors, including the nation’s unresolved relationship to the legacy of slavery, Black liberatory ideology dating back to slavery, and, most importantly, the maintenance of traditional notions of family and community that originated in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. The legacy and memory of slavery had a powerful effect that left many Black gay men feeling isolated from and rendered invisible within Black communities.

Joseph Beam said it first and best: “I cannot go home as who I am. . . . When I speak of home, I mean not only the familial constellation from which I grew, but the entire Black community: the Black press, the Black church, Black academicians, the Black literati, and the Black left… I am most often rendered invisible, perceived as a threat to the family, or am tolerated if I am silent and inconspicuous.” … As Philip Brian Harper has noted, the Black homosexual functioned in the twentieth century as an index for Black masculine anxieties. These ranged from the very personal and painful anxieties of lynching, castration, and the denial of civil rights to a larger set of anxieties rooted in historical erasure and cultural genocide.”

“Sex and gender they also conflated with homosexuality, made out to equal effeminacy. Many Blacks linked homosexuality to castration and the recent history of Black men who had been lynched and Black women who had been raped in the Jim Crow South and in the North. Homosexuality, in its metaphoric power, had an exhaustive function: It is equated with the absence of family, hatred of Black people, estrangement from one’s kin and culture, and all of those horrific aspects of Black experience about which Black people would rather not speak.”

An example of why nonblack people should consider the depth of such a topic- and their place to do so- before incorporating it into their story comes in the form of Styron’s Confessions of Nat Turner, and the backlash he faced from the Black community for such a sensationalized story from a white author.

“The ten Black male contributors [who wrote Ten Black Writers Respond] coupled cannibalism (overtly and covertly) with homoeroticism and effeminacy. For these Black men, homoeroticism became a way of circumventing and projecting their experiences and pain onto certain “effeminate” Black men: the consumed Black man these Black men equated with the homosexual man. Homosexuality served as a means of containing certain unwieldy and historically difficult topics pertaining to Black masculinity, such as the need for intimacy, gender variance, sexual and emotional vulnerability, and violation. It was as if, in this very powerful and discursive moment, threads that had been all along winding through history wove together in a manner that illuminated the past as much as they clouded and blocked full access to its complicated meaning.”

“On the surface, at least, I do not disagree with these Black men and women. I think their analysis regarding historicity and the diminishment of Black communal ties was mostly correct. Styron’s novel was historically inaccurate, depicting Turner as raised by whites rather than the Black parents and grandmother Turner spoke about in his original “Confessions.” Styron depicts aspects of Turner’s sexual life that are not validated in any documentation coming from the time period, and Styron’s exhaustive probing into the racial hatred and self-hatred of Turner clearly reflected something in his own psyche and white identity that he felt compelled to project onto Turner. Black men were put on the defensive by both the novel and by the institutions (literary production, the media) and individuals who supported Styron as an authentic interpreter of Black historical experience. Many Black men, like Bennett, felt that Styron was waging a literary war that paralleled the contemporary political and police state war against Black men…”

The problem with this mindset and approach within the community is that, while it attempts to protect our community, it silences both the prosperity and the pain of an entire section of it, as well as shutting down important conversation that needs to be had even by nonqueer members. And it’s doing it all to fight against a force- white supremacy- that is going to commit violence against us regardless! Respectability politics forces many Black people to stay silent, to not speak up on things that may rock the boat- but the boat needs to be rocked! Blaming fellow victims of racism is not going to save us!

“That was the irony of this moment. Black people invoked the cannibal discourse that could have freed up and complicated Black male perspectives on everything from social consumption to homoeroticism only to defend Black masculinity and Black culture. Black men were not interested in, nor capable of dealing with, the complex legacy of cannibalism and homoeroticism that so powerfully shaped their responses to Styron’s novel.”

But that does NOT mean that it’s a nonblack person’s place to make that argument! While I cannot stop you, I do want you to keep in mind that- as always with sensitive topics- you may have to face Black people who may rightfully be offended by your depiction if not done with care. Styron studied James Baldwin himself- who faced backlash on his end for saying that it was time for the Black community to face such a conversation- and even then, he still projected his white pathology and opinions onto the story of such a prolific hero in our history. Tread lightly!

“Well they don’t seem gay to me.”- A Eurocentric Standard of Passing

How many times have you heard this about a Black character? And if you’re Black and LGBTQ, how often have you heard it about people (or maybe even yourself?) How do we ‘not seem gay’? What is gay supposed to be? There’s this denial, almost, of Black LGBTQ folks, based in a complete disconnect of understanding of our own forms of gender expression and sexuality.

It’s extremely bizarre, because so much of pop gay culture as we know it is from Black LGBTQs (please refer to my infamous AAVE lesson), but… when we imagine an LGBTQ person, they're white.

If you’re Black and queer, you have to be this stereotypical, flamboyant RuPaul-esque figure. Can’t be regular degular. If you’re gay, you gotta be Uber Gay™. If you’re trans, you better pass with Complete Gender and Pizzazz. If you’re nonbinary, you’re not ‘androgynous’ enough. If you’re intersex or asexual, you’re practically not real. If you don’t fill this (white, western) mold, you must not be right. When all you have to be in order to be gay… Is be gay.

I shouldn’t have to put on extra performance to qualify as queer in your eyes! Do you know what looks are considered “androgynous” in my community? What behaviors are deemed “masculine” versus ��feminine”? Do you know anything about my queer culture, or are you subconsciously comparing it to your own?

I want you to recognize that whatever image of queerness you have in your mind for your favorite or original characters, if Black people of all shapes and sizes aren’t included, there’s a problem! Because what are you seeing in others, that you’re not seeing in us? Is that, perhaps, a you problem? And why are we not worth the added effort of queer layering that others are?

THAT SAID!

“Oh I know what that’s like, I’m gay-”

This one mostly- if not always- comes from white queer folk. I’ve linked The Last Interview with James Baldwin. It’s so short. PLEASE take the time to read it. I’ve always adored how James Baldwin expresses himself, and while I could never stand so close, I have studied how he conveys his thoughts. But there’s almost nothing I could say that he doesn’t say better.

“A Black gay person who is a sexual conundrum to society is already, long before the question of sexuality comes into it, menaced and marked because he’s Black or she’s Black. The sexual question comes after the question of color; it’s simply one more aspect of the danger in which all Black people live. I think white gay people feel cheated because they were born, in principle, into a society in which they were supposed to be safe. The anomaly of their sexuality puts them in danger, unexpectedly. Their reaction seems to me in direct proportion to the sense of feeling cheated of the advantages which accrue to white people in a white society.”

The idea that “I know what it’s like to experience this oppression as a Black person because I’m gay” is not true. It’s like saying “oh look at my tan, I’m as Black as you now”. Stop it. Think back to that first section on history we discussed- no, you and I are not the same. We can discuss our existing connections, our intersection and have sympathy and empathy with one another on human dignity. We don’t have to act like we’re the same to do that! So don’t go headstrong into your writing (or life) saying “oh I get that completely, it’s because I’m queer”. There are more tactful ways to express your intent of solidarity.

'Queer' vs 'The N Word'

We’re gonna nip this one in the bud, because we’re leaving that argument in 2024. You know the one- “saying queer is like using the N-word- as a reclamation/slur!” What this argument reveals, used by EITHER SIDE, is how y’all don’t actually have community with Black people.

It implies that either “we don’t like it” or “we do”. Yet another binary that does not exist! There are plenty of Black people that despise that word, regardless of context. That think it brings us down. And then there are those that use it as a reclamation of an identity that was used to demean and dehumanize. Either way, one party is not going to walk up to a stranger and force it on them- that would cause an actual fight! It’s not improving your argument. As a whole, I would say stop using Black politics in general to improve your arguments when you are unaware of the overlap, or maybe the lack thereof, between Blackness and queerness in your argument. It shows. I’m not your tool; I’m not your Negro!

I’m not here to tell anyone whether queer is a slur or not. I don’t use it as one, but I recognize when people are uncomfortable, when it is being used as one, and I will use different language when I am speaking directly to someone who says “I do not like that word, describe me as __”. I am just here to say that we’re leaving that argument behind.

Black =/= Gender

Blackness and the concept of Gender have a fraught, confusing history. Not human enough to have rights, but human just enough to fail to meet Eurocentric standards of gender.

One example of this is the term “stud”. Studs are an example of Black women traversing gender presentation, the origin of which is because Black people are perceived as having “lesser sexual dimorphism”- i.e. you can’t tell who’s a woman or not. It’s an in-community joke that doesn’t make sense spoken outside of its historical context (thus, no, your white butch is NOT a stud within this context).

Another example: Megan Thee Stallion is one of the most stunning, feminine women I have ever seen… And her entire career, people have called her a man. Because she’s brown-skinned, Black, confident, loud, and openly sexual, she’s deemed manly. I can’t stand it. Plus her height- and mind you, Taylor Swift, of the same height and probably a higher number of bodies over the years, has never once been called a man or lost any of her “feminine” charm despite it. Why is that? If one of her men had shot in the foot, trying to kill her, there would be an uproar. Why is that?

There is an internal contradiction that being a Black woman is being inherently “gender nonconforming”. The first reason is that I will never be allowed to truly be a “woman” because to be a woman is to be white while doing it. White Tears, Brown Scars by Ruby Hamad is an excellent book on this dynamic in all women of color, and Black activists like Angela Davis and Kimberle Crenshaw have written and discussed the topic as well.

The second reason is I have to play the role of whatever ‘gender’ is expected to get me through this life. I have to be more ‘masculine’; strong, assertive, and proactive, a hard worker willing to sacrifice it all every day, in order to protect my family and myself in a world where a lack of resilience might kill me. I cannot allow weakness to stop me from taking care of my community, because Black women are supposed to show up and save the day. Find a Black woman! they say. She’ll fix it! And odds are, I do know how to fix it because I’ve probably had to address it before.

But then I’m acting ‘out of a woman’s place’ by being so ‘hard’ and expecting people to listen to my authority. So in order to play a Black woman’s place, I have to balance that with… Somehow not intimidating people by being more ‘feminine’, submissive, vulnerable, sweet and motherly (because if I’m not a good breeder and mother, I am a bad woman). I scare people if I don’t. If I don’t do that, then I’m not a good Black woman. But if I don’t harden myself and be strong and assertive to protect everyone, and tough through everyone’s problems with infinite sacrifice, then I’m not a good Black woman… You see how the cycle gets confusing! (The Delectable Negro and Black on Both Sides also speak on this, and how this is rooted in the creation of the Mammy!)

I spoke about it earlier, but that same inability to be defined as a human, defined as white, haunts many Black men in their goals to be seen as ‘equal’ to white men and receive equal treatment. By seeking to fit a standard of whiteness, they are never going to attain it (and often, that comes back home in not-so-good way)! E.g.: this is the original issue that Louis had in AMCs' IWTV- Louis never actually wanted to be a vampire, Louis wanted to be treated like an equivalent human- and that was unattainable to him not because he wasn’t a human being, but because he wasn’t a white one!

The Racist Counterproductivity of TERFs

Sigh. If you are of this belief, but here to better your writing, I feel like I should say this to you. I want you to listen to me. (TBH, I’m going to delete anything asking me for opinions on this because I don’t want to potentially entertain even a singular troll). Besides, my argument is pretty simple and resolute.

The gender binary is rooted in bioessentialism, and bioessentialism is rooted in white supremacy. You know what else benefits from white supremacy? The white patriarchy.

How are we gonna escape from the patriarchy and white supremacy… if the ideology you believe in… is rooted in white supremacy and patriarchy?

And it’s not just the TERFs- look within yourselves as well! How are we going to make the world safer for trans people, including white ones, if you aren’t willing to confront your own racist biases? If you are unwilling to release the shackles of gender essentialism and the benefits of whiteness, none of us are getting out of here. You are reinforcing the very walls you wish to dismantle!

To offer another side of the conversation, Black On Both Sides by C Riley Snorton has been an interesting read! Essentially, the conversation is on how Blackness and transness intersect, how being Black in and of itself can be and is a transitional, gender fluid experience. It, along with The Mismeasure of Man by Stephen Jay Gould and Medical Apartheid by Harriet A Washington, goes into the history of how the Black body was seen as a different species altogether, and how phrenology, biological essentialism, and examples of sexual dimorphism were treated as an example on how we are an inferior group. Yet, this lack of understanding of our bodies (despite the constant access to it) allowed for us to maneuver within such a system.

An example, of how Blackness has an effect on our perception of gender:

"Cobb suggests that this blackening may have been an anticipatory gesture; when James Norcom (Jacobs’s enslaver) published a description of her in the 1835 issue of the American Beacon, he presumed that she would be “seeking whiteness and dressing as a free woman, not accentuating her Blackness” and finding a “cross-dressing” and ungendered mode for escape. Although the description of sartorial arrangements seems to conform to passing’s logic of movement for protection or privilege, Jacobs’s use of charcoal to darken her complexion tropes—by inverse logic—on more commonly held beliefs (and fears) about racial passing.

As “passing” became a term to describe performing something one is not, it trafficked a way of thinking about identity not only in terms of real versus artificial but also, and perhaps always, as proximal and performative. Like a vertical line with arrows on either end, passing is figuratively represented by moving up or down hierarchized identificatory formations. This articulation of vertical identity also coordinates with forms of binary thinking, typified, for example, by the language of “the opposite” sex. …Brent/Jacobs’s blackened blackness gives expression to her condition as fungible within the logic of U.S. slavery, in which the system of colorism, as Nicole Fleetwood has argued, “produces a performing subject whose function is to enact difference . . . an act that is fundamentally about assigning value.”

As it relates to the scene of Jacobs’s brushing past Sands, her status as “it” also indicates how blackness-as-fungible engenders forms of nonrecognition, as Jacobs’s performance elucidates how blackness and going blacker become an embrace of the conditions that might allow one to pass one’s friends and lovers undetected. In this encounter, fungibility sets the stage for gendered maneuvers on a terrain constituted by modes of viewing blackness, in which Jacobs’s blackness and going blacker color her gender as well as her face."

The Black Trans/Nonbinary/Genderqueer Experience

Rather than try to summarize opinions on something I had not lived, I wanted to platform some Black trans, intersex, and genderqueer opinions for you all to consider! I asked three questions, and I’ve typed out the responses and placed them as their own post for the sake of space. I don’t care if it’s long- read them! You want to write these characters; you should hear the perspectives of the people you wish to write about!

The Black Intersex Experience

Nothing I could say that someone that is actually Black and intersex couldn’t say better!

Here is a page on Tumblr that compiles resources on the intersex community and its history that I found; while it’s not Black-specific, I have seen the page post topics related to.

The Black Aspec Experience

An interesting thing about identifying as asexual or aromantic while Black is that from all angles, people will simply not believe you because Blackness itself has been sexualized. I talked about this in my lessons on stereotypes, but one of the ways that the sexual assault and violation of Black bodies was dismissed, was to emphasize that not only were we incapable of being r*ped, but that we were naturally inclined to being hypersexual beings and that if we weren’t controlled, we would bring it onto ourselves. Black women were jezebels; Black men were mandigos, vicious savages that would assault pure white women if not chained like beasts.

Here is a page for Black people (!!!) with these identities to gather. Again, BLACK PEOPLE with these identities. Here's another!

The Bit You Actually Showed Up For

So! Given all that historical and social context: really, it’s just about application! You have to ask yourself certain things to catch when you’re about to dip into a bias or stereotype while you’re writing.

Black Queer Joy- A Conclusion

I know I’ve shared a lot of history here, and it’s not been the happiest stuff. THAT BEING SAID!

I must personally say- I am honored to be Black and bisexual. There’s nothing else I’d rather be. I am so happy to be who I am. It’s hard as hell living at the intersection, but the intersection is lit! There’s so much love, history, culture, creation, and so much power here; I’m standing on the shoulders of cultural GIANTS and my chest is full, my chin is high with pride. I love it here!

Being Black and queer itself is not a miserable experience! Your characters should feel joy, because we feel joy! There’s so much that we have to offer the world, it’s practically blossoming from us. I don’t want anyone to walk away from this going “let me go pity the next one I see and tell them how hard their life is”. We don’t need you to feel sorry, we need you to have solidarity! Either show up and do the work, or leave us alone. You can’t join the party at the intersection and then flee when it’s time to fight for it!

Listen to Black queer people in your spaces- dear god, it never fails how conversations of queerness and gender and feminism will leave Blackness completely out, and then be shocked when none of us want to show up. Like I said before- you will never dismantle the walls barring you from your own freedom until you address ours.

Support Black queer creatives, content, perspectives, and people- when you tag on that “support Black trans women” bit at the end of your posts, don’t just speak lightly- understand what that means, and stand on it! Because it’s the thought that counts, but the action that delivers!

[queenofsaltinesss]

Expect the unexpected pt. 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female reader

Summary: part two of Expect the unexpected

Warning: none that stand out. mentions of Bucky's repressed emotions

A/N: part one of this actually got some attention which made me so excited i wrote a part two. Thank you to @sebastianstan0813 for actually asking for this. It made my night.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bucky hadn't expected to feel like this ever again.

For 70 years Bucky had not felt anything at all, hints of confusion, frustration and anger maybe. But not this. Not once.

Therapy had opened up for a lot of emotions.

At first he had been ordered to show up 4 times a week, it was intensive and painfully awkward but they wanted to make sure he was James Buchanan Barnes and not the soldier.

He had dutifully answered each of their questions, with a measured distance to whatever feelings came up with the recounts of various actions.

As the weeks rolled by, they allowed him to see his passive aggressive therapist less each week. Now he is down to twice a week, but he still has these little tasks on the days he dont see her.

His therapist wants Bucky, a 108 year old man, to keep a diary.

Its a journal. She told him.

Bucky had rolled his eyes at that, journal or diary, he was not writing his emotions down in a little book.

It was a plain notebook, the kind you can get from the supermarket with about 100 pages, and a generic pen. They were tucked away in the drawer of his nightstand.

He hadn't used it a single time, only cracked the pages open to stare at the light blue lines and then smacked it together and tossed it in the drawer.

He talked to Steve a lot, and Sam a little bit.

Steve was adamant on getting his best friend back, and Bucky wasn´t going to reject him on that, so they spent a lot of nights together.

Steve would show Bucky the new restaurants he had discovered around town, they would listen to music in Steve´s apartment, and they talked.

Steve didn´t live in the compound so it was nice to get out for a bit, it made it a little easier for Bucky to try and put words to his emotions. Key word here is try.

Bucky hadn´t actually existed in the world for decades upon decades. His brain consistently felt fuzzy, like he had woken up from an afternoon nap and it was suddenly dark outside.

Voicing his thoughts and feelings were confusing, he hadn´t even acknowledged these things for so long that trying to find meaning in them felt like doing a puzzle with the picture side facing the table.

It was exhausting.

But Steve was patient, and Bucky had missed him greatly. Not consciously so of course, but deep down.

Steve had been there when they finally let Bucky move into the compound, until then he had actually lived in some form of cell. It should have upset him more, but Bucky was patient in a way other people would never achieve in a single lifetime.

And Steve had brought, a little friend.

And Bucky's heart had suddenly presented him with a new emotion he had no clue how to place.

He had shook your hand and you had reached for the flesh one. You had smiled, and it had been genuine. It had reached your eyes and pulled the delicate lines around them.

You had kept your eyes on him, but he hadn't felt like you were doing it to control him. For the first time in a long time, someone else's eyes on him wasn't weighing him down.

He had seen you a few times throughout that day, had heard your voice when you asked Steve if they needed help moving him in.

Bucky barely had any personal items, he had the backpack he carried in Romania, an old leather wallet with some cash and very little clothes.

But Sam and Steve had helped him, showed him around the compound. Steve decided to stay and they ordered some pizza for the team.

Bucky had eaten pizza twice before. The amount of flavors that everything had nowadays could be overwhelming but most of the time it was interesting.

The new but small experiences helped him feel more comfortable in this world. They were a safe way to explore and evolve without too much changing.

It was nice, to sit outside on the balcony with the others. They didn´t make him talk, or ask him too many questions. They just allowed him to sit comfortably and observe.

He had caught brief glances of you as you went through the kitchen and back out.

He continued to watch you like that, stolen glances and silent observations when he got the chance to.

You were extremely well liked, it was hard not to notice how people reacted to your company. You easily charmed those you talked to, making them smile like it was second nature.

It was two weeks before the two of you actually interacted. He had spent the last week of the two trying to figure out what to say to you.

He wasn't sure what he wanted out of it. But something about you made him feel safe, your energy was one of a kind.

He hadn't expected for your first interaction to be so soon. But you had arrived back from a mission a day earlier than he thought and suddenly he was alone with you in the kitchen.

You had your back to him and didn´t look like you were going to turn around anytime soon so he allowed himself a moment to look at you.

You were usually dressed in work clothes, tactical gear and the deepest shades of black. Now you were dressed in your pyjamas, and Bucky felt that same flutter again.

You were in these oversized pj pants with little cat heads, Hello Kitty actually, but Bucky wouldn´t know. You had paired the pink pants with a soft cream colored sweater. The neck of your sweater was stretched large and rested on only one of your shoulders, revealing your soft skin.

God why was he staring at your shoulder. What was this? the 1800s?

Despite it being the middle of the night, it looked like you were still working. You had a case file between your hands, flipping through the pages and making little notes with your pink pen. Of course you had a pink pen.

You were waiting for your ice cream to melt a little more and he was surprised to see it was vegan. The concepts of purposefully keeping select items out of your diet seemed so odd to him.

Before he and Steve had been recruited, people had eaten whatever they could get their hands on.

The ice cream container was orange and had little items of chocolate on it.

He tore his eyes away from you, the way your frame was leaned over the counter, the way the subtle muscle moved in your back.

He looked through the fridge, he kept forgetting to go grocery shopping. The shops were all overstimulating, bright lights and music an so many colors.

He picked out a large tub of greek yogurt. Yogurt he knows, yogurt he likes. Theres no post it on it and he knows it means its free for all. He knows the system.

But he sees his opportunity to say something to you and he takes it without hesitating.

He looks at you again for a second, the back of your neck was exposed now that your hair was pulled up in a clip.

“do you know whose this is? its not labeled” he´s surprised at how leveled his voice is.

You turn around, and it takes effort not to gulp as your eyes land on his.

You shrug, and the neckline of your sweater drops further to reveal the smooth skin of your collarbone, Bucky's eyes drop and he prays to god you dont see it.

“i guess if its not labeled its free for all” you tell him, confirming his own conclusion.

He doesn't even think twice to continue the conversation, “you sure? dont want Sam to complain about it for the next week or two”. And you laugh. You actually laughed at something that he had said and his heart swells even further, threatening to melt out of his body.

“well if he didn't label it then too bad”

Bucky looks back at the fridge, needing a break from staring into your eyes.

“besides, i wont tell anyone”

You smile in a way that swells more than his heart and adjust yourself against the counter.

“thanks”

“yeah, no problem”

You move to finish making your bowl of ice cream and his heart almost stops when you graze him to put the ice cream back in the freezer.

He´s lost in though for the rest of the week, replaying the moment over and over again. And then you leave for another mission with Wanda. And he doesn´t see you for another 10 days.

That´s when he pulls out the journal.

[casanovawrites]

random sentence prompts  ━ from various tv shows, part 14

you’re still speaking in the present tense.

you barely know us.

i’m your best friend? you’ve known me for like four weeks.  

i was seeing someone and i fucked it up. i fucked it up because i’m fucked up.

you’re a fucking creep, i’m a fucking catch.

i’m charming as shit.

all i want is for people to like me, but i just keep hurting people instead.

that’s just what we do. we look out for each other.

my nightmares don’t usually serve breakfast.

you’re pretty much a pain in my ass. and most days, you suck.

delusions make me happy.

we can’t play defense forever.

i think i like you better than anyone i know.

nothing that i’ve been through is possible. i feel like my mind is breaking.

i know it’s dangerous here.

i’m sorry, are you invested in the happiness of someone else?

things change. here, it’s usually bad.

i hesitate to tell you this, because you’re pathologically overconfident, but you’re cute.

you’re a good person with all your bad qualities.

hope is what makes you willing to suffer.

i want to feel that full-blown compliment.

buddy, fuck off, okay?

fuck you, you really hurt my feelings, and i hope an air conditioner falls on you.

my heart’s belonged to you since the moment i met you.

when the fuck are we not at risk?

hot. you’re hot.

i don’t want to be like this. it’s terrifying.

you’re not fucked up. you’re like the most together person i know. 

all i am is a dumb motherfucker who keeps getting people killed.

my mom adores you.

great, you’re yelling at me again.

i think the only way you can be happy is if you’re yourself.

is it just physically impossible for you not to be an asshole for longer than 10 minutes?

i like you a lot better when you’re not yelling at me.

it’s real, and i’m fucking terrified.

i have done things i can’t undo.

i just feel like all i’ve been doing lately is hurting people.

you do not just get to come in here, dump a load of shit like that, and then walk away.

i don’t want to let this place decide when we get to be happy.

i promise i won’t cry on you if you sit next to me.

you are my home, and i would really like to be yours.

you look how i feel.

i don’t give a shit about your word.

i know their type. everything’s a personal attack, a goddamn battle.

you know it’s okay to tell people to fuck off every once in a while, including your friends.

she looked good. i mean, hateful. but good.

it’s poor form to blame the dead.

i’m bothered by people who don’t know how good they have it.

you’re trapped with me. in a fun way.

this place is haunted. everywhere i look, i see somewhere you lied to me.

i don’t feel better off. i just feel left.

i made my choices. so did you.

broken people don’t survive here.

i am exiting our one-sided relationship.

one failed marriage, who hasn’t been there?

i just need to know you’ve got your shit together.

i don’t need a pep talk. i just need to know that you’re back.

mostly everybody here’s depressed.

rule number one: never trust the love interest.

now i know how to take care of my problems.

i can’t uproot my life just to make you happy.

i was never rooting for you to be unhappy. i just wanted you to have more.

stop saying that everything’s going to be okay.

you are not some hopeless screw up.

no one listens to me. no one.

i’m not a problem for you. i’ve never been a problem for you.

there are no mistakes. just choices. and you chose what was right for you.

if someone came up to you right now and said, ‘do this one bad thing and everyone gets to go home,’ would you do it?

i don’t want to know the answer.

when we’re together, i feel a lot. and mostly, it’s good.

we don’t have time to be delicate.

actually, you might be the best thing in my life.

i don’t know what to do, and that really freaks me out.

i’m not gonna stand here and pretend it was a good day.

there are always gonna be monsters in the world. it doesn’t matter where you are. but i promised myself i would never let them scare the life out of me.

i don’t give a shit what you are.

i’m doing this for you. i’m doing it for all of us.

if this shit goes sideways, you have to be ready to step up.

i need you to do me a favor. cut yourself some slack.

you trust me to decide the rest of your life?

you have a sense of direction. 

when did life become this big monster we have to just constantly feed?

we don’t have to live like the sky is always falling.

i’m not afraid of the dark.

you think i’m a monster?

what’s happening to us?

what part of this is okay?

that was death, and it’s coming… right now.

[nishitanis-left-nut]

im not crying YOU are

also ichiban shouldve been a little younger in this game. i get the Themes him being 42 with no life prospects touch on and also how spending 18 years in the joint affected his character, but kiryu himself was 27 in kiwami. i know the point is that ichiban lost half of his life and never really got to properly mature into a “normal” adult (as normal as one can be living as a yakuza)

but he was just 23 when they arrested him i really feel like that first chapter shouldve been focused on the "present" him more instead of almost 20 minutes or so of backstory that didnt need to be animated and random side characters that stopped pretending to be relevant the moment their conversations with ichi were done?

i dont wanna ignore the enormous shadow kiryu casts upon the entire franchise either but just comparing how the games treat him and ichiban it feels really "unfair"?

ive only played two hours of Judgement and right off the gate Yagami felt like his own fleshed out person and even thought the game takes place in kamurocho it did just enough for it to separate itself from the kiryu saga while still feeling like a Yakuza game...? even in yakuza 4 and 5 the games did a good enough job of making all the main guys feel like "the protagonist" and kiryu didnt necessarily overshadow most of them. even just comparing akiyamas run to ichiban it feels like night and day

im not even sure where im going with all this, it just feels like the game doesnt actually take ichiban seriously and its really weird. like sure we can spend 10 minutes on a fully animated cutscene for arakawas childhood but when he gets shot they only give ichiban a half assed five seconds of a cutscene for his reaction to it that ends in him getting overpowered by like two cops its WEIRD I DONT-

tangent back to ichis age, his short fuse and stubbornness wouldve also made more sense if he was a bit younger. KIRYUS stubbornness and compulsion to do everything himself are character traits that were built from years of tragedy after tragedy and bad decision after worse decision after wrong decision and we get to understand and BE with him through all of it- but ichiban doesnt get any of that. and its not like he NEEDS to get all of that but it feels like he gets nothing at all...???

saejima was 45 in y4 but they made him work as a protagonist extremely well, we didnt get to see him drop out of school to work and pay for yasukos treatment, we didnt get to see him swear his oath to his patriarch and only got a glimpse of how things were for him before the ueno seiwa hit, they made us care for the version of him that got out of prison (his relationship with majima did most of the work too im not gonna pretend like thats not the case- but akiyama was like 35 and shinada was 37 and neither of them had any link to other characters in the franchise [i forgot about daigo and shinada knowing each other but my point still stands since they were never really part of each others lives at any point], so we've seen that they CAN properly establish protagonists that arent in their 20s and that can stand on their own)

shinada specifically is what has me confused about why ichibans integration as a protagonist feels so weird. shinada also had no real prospects in life, and was doing his best to keep himself afloat and wanted community despite how other people made him feel and what he'd been through. comparing him to ichi isnt really fair since he was a civilian that was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and went back to a normal life on his own terms after everything was said and done, but i think that actually makes it worse? the fact they could establish this random nobody as a protagonist and take his weird story seriously and make it work but ichiban just feels like hes a stand-in for someone else (cough cough kiryu cough cough) has my flabbers ghasted

kiryu through all the games keeps getting pulled in all sorts of directions by people and problems he doesnt want to have to deal with anymore, things that keep him from what he actually WANTS in his life, but his loyalty to the tojo and to his past friends and colleagues wont allow him to even entertain the fact that, realistically, he can just refuse to get involved. since, you know, for all intents and purposes hes been a civilian for the majority of the franchise and doesnt have to answer to anyone anymore

i think him doing his best to "put his foot down" in yakuza 5 even after hearing about daigo going missing and only letting himself get "officially" dragged back in after he heard majima had been killed... yea like theres something there that relates to what i was talking about but i got distracted and now i dont know how to specifically link the two, something something lines being crossed something something so many things piling on top of each other and majima being what broke the camels back and made it clear he couldnt keep running from it anymore. and im not even taking the entirety of y6 into account in any of this. something something.

but ichiban... just feels like hes being pulled around because hes got nothing else going on. because thats essentially it? even at the start of the game, what did ichiban want?? the parallels between kiryu and kazama and ichi and arakawa are there but kiryu had the goal of paying kazama back for "everything" ingrained in his bones even in y0, and he was getting places, he was climbing up the latter with nishiki and had milestones to cross before kiwami happened and haruka got thrown into the mix, kazama got shot and nishiki did what he did. ichibans relationships and "family" are really interesting plot-wise and its actually stressing me out how the game makes ichibans character feel "undercooked"?? i guess????

even with all the characters in this game Ichibans the only protagonist, so why does it feel like theyre just rushing all of ichis character progression and like they dont have time to linger on him and his feelings when thats never been this big of a problem before even in games with several protagonists????

ough

[lyramundana]

Hey, Mate. How are u? I've just seen your yandere Chan and changbin headcanons and I really like it! Can you please do a yandere skz reaction where their crush likes someone else?

Have a beautiful day! 💛

Thank you, mi amor!💖

YANDERE! STRAY KIDS REACTION: THEIR DARLING LIKES SOMEONE ELSE

CHRISTOPHER BANG

Oh well, we start hard already

We've already established previously that, out of the group, he's the most likely to turn yandere in real life. The divine @whatudowhennooneseesyou explained it in her blog before, and if she says it it must be be true, so

forgetting my short fangirl moment there . He got close to his Darling by showing her only his good sides and presenting himself like a friendly, reliable guy that she could count on for everything. He introduced himself into her life smoothly, carving his place in her routine while discreetly removing the "obstacles" that annoyed him. He won her trust quickly enough by forcing situations where his Darling got to see him as her knight in shining armour and felt compelled to rely on him, slowly but surely growing more dependant of him.

If there's a virtue Christopher has in quantity, it's patience. He's ready to wait as long as needed until he gets what he wants, and he's also the type to plan things in advance. So yeah, he's a fucking challenge to get away from.

He though he was doing great, that things were progressing like he planned, so imagine his utter shock when he learns his Darling has a crush on somebody else. She makes the mistake to tell him herself, asking for advice from a "good friend".

Once he gets over the initial loss of words, he's pissed. Very pissed. He's so fucking mad that, in the moment, he accidentally lets his nice guy act drop and loses control of his emotions in front of her. He starts an argument about it, claiming that person is not good enough and they're only going to hurt her, even if he barely knows them. Because who else could be worthy of Darling but himself? This mishap scares her and she ends up arguing back, running away from him in the end. He chastises himself for losing his cool like that later, furious that he ruined all of hard work into shaping a perfect image of him in her eyes. He can't stand the though of losing her, so he recomposes himself and already makes a plan to fix things.

First he gets in touch with her to apologize and make up for his behaviour. He's not sorry for the way he reacted, but he knows it scared her off and he knows that could prompt her to create distance, which he can't allow. Once again, he plays his charming and loving role to convince her, blaiming it on the stress of work and his desire to protect her, since most men are just pigs that would break her beautiful heart only he can do that. When she gets her to believe him, he grabs her hands in his and smiles, promising he'll help her the best way he can.

As soon as he's done recovering her trust, he's investigating that worthless piece of trash that has apparently stolen her affection. He has his contacts, so it doesn't take too long to get what he wants. He memorizes every single detail that he deems useful, just like he did with Darling, but this time is with entirely different purposes.

He's the type of "keep his enemies closer", so he'll befriend that person first and gain their trust, luring them into a false sense of security that it's more like a spider web, trapping them to be devoured without resistance. He gets that person to share secrets with him, things they regret, and Chris promises he won't ever tell a soul.

Some promises are meant to be broken.

He'll hold what he knows over their head to threaten them into staying away, or he'll straight up twist their words so his Darling can misinterpret them and feel betrayed/heartbroken. Obviously, he doesn't waste time into playing his role of brilliant hero and becomes her shoulder to cry on. This kind of validation is like oxygen for him, he can't get enough.

If the person proves to be persistant, he'll take more drastic measures and get rid of them permanently from Darling's life.

"It's okay, doll. It's not your fault. How could you've known they were so terrible? I never fully trusted them, but you seemed so happy and convinced. This is why you should listen to me. I only want the best for you.

LEE KNOW

We've also discussed him a bit in previous posts, but we'll profundize more here.

He's a passive yandere. The type to observe and "care" for his Darling from afar, unnoticed. Never intervening directly unless he absolutely has to. He'll be infatuated for years before gathering the courage to talk to you. But once he finally does, he'll win over his Darling quickly because he just seems to be so sync with her.

Truth is that, during all the time he's spent pining for her from the shadows, he has recopiled every bit of information about her he could get his hands on. Stalking, hacking, stealing personal belongings to treat as "treasures", you know it. While he didn't feel capable of havin a face to face interaction with her, he found comfort in observing her on her daily tasks. He knows her favourite food, color, animal, names of her friends and relatives, the perfume she uses, the places she frecuents and her special events.

His aproach would be slow at first, probably reaching out to her through social media (he has follows her in all of them and has a hacked all her accounts at some point) to chat about common interests, and after he feels they're both on friendly enough terms, he'll arrange a meeting in real life in one of her favourite places.

And because he's so in touch with everything that happens with her, he finds out about her crush before she even tells him. He goes through various phases, like sadness, heartbreak, rage. He just can't fit his head around such concept. Hasn't he proven himself enough to her? He has gone such lenghts to protect her, to get to know her, shaping himself to become the man of her dreams. Did he fail somewhere? What else he should do?

Then it dawns to him. It's not fault. Of course he followed all steps, did everything perfectly. By all accounts, his Darling should've fallen for him already. But maybe he chose the wrong aproach.

Maybe he needs to be more clear about his intentions.

He doesn't have Chris' discretion or long-game. He doesn't want to sit around and wait, he's done that enough for years.

He can't fake friendliness even if he tries, so his solution is kidnapping the person and threaten them to stay away from his Darling's life. If that doesn't work, he'll simply keep them hidden until their existence begins to be forgotten. He could also use them as a boxing bag to let out his frustations, who knows.

@whatsk-poppinhomies has the perfect description of yandere Minho, as I mentioned in another post. Go check it out!

SEO CHANGBIN

He's the egocentric type, to that makes him dangerous and scary but also predictable.

He lives off the praise and admiration from others. He's constantly showing off, fishing out all kind of validation to feed his ego. He also takes great care of his appareance and everything involved in the way he presents himself to the people.

Imagine the stereotypical jock of american movies that's popular and always being the centre of attention. That's him. He needs to feel eyes on him and be admired or else he'll get slightly insecure.

He'll try to catch his Darling's attention by doing exactly what he does to the rest: Showing off. He'll spoil the shit out her and do anything in his power to prove that he's the ideal partner. That no one is gonna treat her better than he does.

He'll become his Darling's slave, her biggest simp. He'll run up to her if he sees her in the same place as him and trail behind her back like an eager puppy, ready to bend himself backwards for her wishes.

Darling might feel overwhelmed by the constant attention and expensive gestures, but he has no plans on stopping, even if she asks him. Then he'll try to tune it down for her sake, but he's uncapable of stopping. He feels the urge to worship the ground she walks on.

He invades every space of her life with his boaming presence and craves himself into her routine, making sure he's the first and last face she sees everyday. If someone seems to "steal" the time that's rigthfully his, he'll drop that bubbly attitude quickly and become very intimidating. He's short but those muscles don't lie and he knows how to use them.

He has a high self-steem, so he's not jealous per se. However, he enjoys marking what's his and let other people know. He's prideful and has a similar disposition to Chris, in terms that they act more like dogs by how much they remind their partners and everyone else who they belong to.

He'll very, very angry if he finds out his Darling has a crush on someone that's not him. He feels his efforts weren't enough. He feels his ego is being questioned.

Unlike the previous two, he lacks self-control over emotions and he's rather impulsive, so he'll probably get into a fight with his rival or/and his Darling too.

He's a lot more direct about this matter. He'll use his position to berate Darling's crush until their reputation shatters or they decide to run away from the harassment. Changbin would be merciless.

Humiliations, fake rumours, pranks that leave injuries too serious to be just that. He'll be a manual bully, and a terrible one because no one dares to fight back. He's stronger than most, intimidating when he wants to, and has no problem sending someone to an hospital if they piss him off enough.

Eventually he'll drive his rival far from his Darling so he doesn't return, but if that doesn't work, well...he's ready to take permanent measures.

HWANG HYUNJIN

oh fuck here we go

Another dangerous one if he falls to the yandere side. He's as bad as Christopher, the kind of yandere that you can't escape alone and most likely you never will.

He's highly narcissistic and self-centered, but unlike Changbin, you won't ever see him coming. And while Chris' red flags can be more noticeable, Hyunjin's are invisible until it's too late.

He's a great actor, a manual manipulator and the perfect wattpad boyfriend. And by this I mean that every breath he takes is pure 🚩🚩🚩.

Seriously, if I had to pick, I'll run to Christopher Bang with no second though, because he's at least somewhat nice and truly feels like he cares.

Hyunjin doesn't. He believes he does, but that's not it.

He doesn't necessarily want to have a fairytale romance with his Darling. He simply wants to own her. Be the centre of her life and have her at his beck and call. Like I said, narcissistic.

He'll be drawn to someone that doesn't pay attention to him at first. He's used to have people worshipping the ground he walks on and surrounded by admirers, so seeing someone that treats him differently inmediatly picks his interest. And so he goes after her doing everything in his power to impress her and get her to look at him the same way most people do. He can't stand not having everyone infatuated by him.

He'll be the classic love interest that never takes no for an answer, ignores boundaries and takes the protagonist for granted. He thinks being allowed to be with him is an honor. He doesn't really care if the girl is comfortable with the situation, he's set on "fixing the anomaly".

As he begins to develop feelings for his Darling that go beyond winning this game of "hard to get", he starts to idealize her to unsane levels and even gives her traits that she doesn't actually have, just to fit his perfect narrative. If she doesn't have them, then he'll just have to make her, right?

He's charming and has a way with words, but his ego might cost him vision. He uses his image of "dream prince" to his advantage and plays the role for his Darling. He intends to turn her into his muse, a doll crafted by and for himself. He'll smoothly move her to change some aspects of herself to his preference.

His ego, eventually, confirms to be a burden. He's confident on his own perfection and he sees himself as the best option out of everyone and everything, so discovering his Darling apparently has a crush on someone is a mindfuck for him.

But he recovers quickly. As soon as the shock is over, it gets replaced with rage. For the first time in his life, he feels surpassed by someone. And he hates losing.

He'll sabotage every possible relationship Darling could have with anyone. If he can't have her, no one will. Simple. Until she realizes her only viable option is to be with him.

He's the type to ruin his Darling's life too and break her, so he can pick up the pieces and put them back how he wishes. Make her undesirable for other people so she thinks he's the only one that would ever love her.

HAN JISUNG

A nightmare for your emotional health. Dating him on a regular setting would be already a roller coaster, but as a yandere? You'll need fucking therapy and lots of patience, if you ever get out of it of course.

He relies heavily on emotional reactions and playing the victim card. He might actually believe he's a victim. He's impulsive too, but not like Changbin. He's another subtle manipulator, but unlike Hyunjin and Chris who use mental games, he hits you where it hurts.

He's prone to breakdowns and his mental health isn't the most stable at times, so he'll probably fall for his Darling when she helped him through one of his episodes and comforted them. As soon as he felt her warm hands and kind smile, boom. The path to obsession began.

He can be very insecure and distrusting, so he'll get jealous even when they're not even together yet. He thinks everyone that gets close to her has romantic interests and fears they'll take her away. He reflects his own feelings and thoughts unto other people.

Due to his insecurities, he believes everyone is better than him and so, if he lets Darling see other people than him, she'll surely reject him.

He's moody, so he'll go through periods where he's extremely clingy and others where he isolates himself. In both cases, however, he needs to know she's near or else he'll fall in a pit of panic. It reassures him.

He's very attached to his Darling, probably the most out of all. His dependency is completely toxic and it moves him to push people of her life so he can have her entirely for himself. He hates having to share her time and attention, so what's the solution?

Make sure he's the only person she has to talk to.

I think it's important to note that Jisung, while being emotional, is far from stupid. He's in fact one of the smartest in the group, so don't let the shy, soft persona fool you.

He's quick to pick on details, and that includes weaknesses. If he realizes his Darling can't stand seeing him sad or angry, you bet he'll use to his full benefit. He'll throw tantrums and randomly stop talking to her so she has to go after him to know what's wrong and "fix it". Seeing her give him so much attention comforts him.

If he catches on the fact that Darling has feelings for someone else, boy he'll go insane. You think his moodiness and bipolarity were bad before? Be prepared to see it ten times worse.

He wont' stand it, and he'll make that very clear. Another one that'll sabotage any type of relationships she has, but unlike Hyunjin, he'll never go as far as to hurt her or ruin her, because he adores her too much. No, all the damage is directed against those who try to steal her from him.

He'll play the victim card and pretend they were the ones who started the conflict, lying that they made fun of him or they're all speaking ill of her behind her back. He'll paint them as villains and his tears would do the rest.

If that doesn't work, he has no problem locking her up in his house. After all, this would allow him to have her everyday by his side like he wants.

He's highly dependant, very clingy and very sneaky. He's emotionally unstable, so she might see the danger before entering a relationship with him.

LEE FELIX

I really can't see this heaven-sent human as a yandere, but I'll try

He's very similar to Jisung, so it's easy to assume they'll follow similar aproaches. Not for nothing they're called Sunshine twins.

He's also very driven by emotions but he's less impulsive than Han. He prefers to think a bit more before acting, since he wants to look the best at all times for his Darling. That means keeping up appareances with other people too, even if he doesn't like them or can't stand their closeness to her. He wants to earn her through her friends first.

He basically charms everyone around him with his sunshine persona, offering home-made brownies and overall being a cute perfect boy. No one dislikes him and she has only heard great things about him, so she's at ease with him.

She doesn't that he eliminates anyone that suspects his dark side or speaks badly about him. That's why he's seemingly flawless in her eyes.

Because there's literally no one that talks bad about him.

He falls for his Darling due to the simplest things. Maybe a casual warm smile she directed at him once or her complimenting his baker skills. Simple gestures that are plain friendliness and politeness but his deranged mind interprets them in another sense.

He's delusional. A lot, really. If all his interactions with his Darling feel positive and she doesn't reject his advances, that's enough to make him believe his feelings are returned and she feels exactly the same for him.

He'll get close to her by befriending her first, obviously. He wants to take it slow, go step by step in fear he ruins it. He earns her trust and enphasizes his good traits for her. Of course, he uses his deep voice too (because he knows that's one of his best assets)

He's so gentle and kind and understanding, such a good listener. He provides for her and spoils her to the brim. It's only natural she trusts him with her secrets and confides in him.

Including to ask advice regarding her new crush...that's not him.

He doesn't let his inner turmoil be shown. He smiles softly and plays the sweetheart act until she leaves. Once she's out of sight, he finally loses the composure and unleashes the dark emotions he's been hiding for so long.

He doesn't understand. He has done everything perfectly. He's been nothing but charming to her, nothing but a good boy and flawless. He has made her laugh like nobody else, cared for her like a dutiful boyfriend. He's been basically a dream guy. Where did it go wrong?

But he refuses to lose like this. She's only confused, that's it. He shouldn't been so tolerant of the people she hang out with, should've watched better her surroundings. If he does it right, he'll open her eyes and move her back to the right path.

He knows there's no one better than him for his Darling. No one but him deserves her. No one can love her like he does, take care of her like he does.

So he does the only reasonable thing, the same he's done previously with other pests: Remove the obstacle permanently from his life.

KIM SEUNGMIN

Another master manipulator here.

No but for real, he's also relies on his intelligence, and these are the most dangerous and hard to escape out of all.

He plans every move he makes beforehands. He knows what he's doing at all times and, if not, he always has a plan B. He hates the idea of failing.

He's too cool to admit his feelings, so he tries his best to ignore/supress them. Last thing he wants is appear weak and/or vulnerable.

Obviously, he eventually embraces his obsession love and starts to formule a plan. He's another one that's more than willing to play the long game. .

He's only the right amount of polite when he's with his Darling and never more. He purposedly plays hard to get so she'll become interested in him and aproaches him first.

He'll be kind and friendly one day, and the other behave coldly and indifferent. He confuses her constantly in hopes she's drawn to his mysterious side and pays more attention to him.

They won't become friends per se, and he'll become more like a passive yandere like Minho. Watching her from afar and controlling what happens in her life without her knowledge. He'll collect her belongings too, although he won't make a fucking shrine like Minho would. He sees them as trinklets, memories from her. And also as material to learn more about her.

He's highly observant and discreet. Chances of him getting caught are very slim, and there's no way anyone could suspect of his tendencies. He's specially careful around his Darling, so unless her friends have all keen eyes, he could spend an entire life doing this.

He has her entire profile and routines memorized. Her adress, her relatives and friends, the teachers she's had and the places she likes to go. He uses all that information to create interactions where they're "casually" on the same place at the same time or he "accidentally" meets with some of the people she knows who in return talk to her about him.

Step by step, he makes his way through his Darling's life, with zero suspicions.

Unlike Minho, he'll actually aproach her when he follows her somewhere. He doesn't remain hidden, since he wants her to think they both frecuent the same places to see how much in common they have.

He figures out her crush before she has the time to say it. Since they're not close yet (much to his suffering), he finds out from other sources.

He's calm about the whole deal. Well, he still gets angry and has murderous thoughts, but he's an strategist. He has an entire journal with everything there is to know about her. He's good at gathering info.

So he does the same with his rival...but with entirely different purposes.

However, he doesn't simply expose his darkest secrets and removes him from his Darling's path quickly. Oh no. He has a sadist vein. He manipulates everything from the sidelines so his Darling ends up rejecting this person by herself, twisting their image in her eyes so she grows disgusted or uncomfortable with them.

And absolutely no one suspects him.

Once that pest is out of the way after a delicious and humiliating rejection, he moves back to his routine. This event may push him to accelerate the plan and strenghten his bond with Darling.

YANG JEONGIN

Another emotionally unstable one. Lord have mercy.

He's actually more mature that people give him credit for, but he has a certain brattiness, product of usually getting what he wants.

He's impulsive and prideful. The type to resort to the silent treatment if gets angry at someone. He refuses to give in first.

People often see just his cute, maknae persona and get fooled by how coddled he is, but everyone has dark sides, and his particularly can be very intimidating.

Have you seen his angry face? Yeah, I'll burst out crying if someone looked at me like that.

Moving on

He struggles to express his feelings openly, but he also expects his Darling to simply guess them and gets offended if she doesn't act accordingly. He expects her to read his mind.

His Darling would be either an old friend or a co-worker. He likes to remain in his circle, so he feels a bit more in control.

He'll admire her from afar and then aproach her by using his soft, cute maknae act to get attention and care, like he wants. He's used to be the centre of attention because of his cuteness, and let's be honest, she wouldn't resist it either.

He'll make sure her eyes are always fully on him, at all times. If she's paying attention to someone else, he's quick to snatch her with excuses like "i need help with this" "i don't know how to do this" "i'm nervous, can you be with me'" etc.

Another manipulator too. Of course, he learns from the bests of the category.

Meaning he knows how to pretend and act to get his way. He's not as innocent as he lets on.

He gets jealous and he doesn't hide it. He has two moods: He throws a tantrum and pouts (in front of his Darling), and he glares and mocks at the other person (when Darling is away).

Speaking of this, he'll bully anyone that shows interest in her. Like, literally bullying.

I mean intimidation, harassment, bad pranks. All behind her back, of course. He'll eventually convince people to not get close to her, and he'll be fucking happy about it.

Now there's no way she cannot notice him.

At least that's what he thinks, until he hears that his Darling has set her eyes on someone. And it's not him.

Out of all of them, he's the most likely to be caught by her, since he has a hard time hiding his anger.

He'll be resolved to kick that person out of Darling's life one way or another. Oh, and he'll also refuse to speak to her altogether, feeling "betrayed". Again, emotionally unstable and bratty.

Seriously, that person would go through hell. It'll be a mix of Changbin and Jisung. He'll try to play the victim and paint the other as the abuser.

However, he's so deep in with his rage that he gets sloppy. His Darling might caught wind of his harassment to others. She'll probably catch him mid-fight or provoking someone, making fun of them.

When she asks and tries to intervene, he doesn't answer. He doesn't want ignore her forever, but she hurt his pride by liking some other asshole, so he remains in the silent treatment.

He wants her to feel guilty, that it's her fault somehow. Emotional manipulation it's his weapon.

If he plays his cards right, he might get inside her mind and do what he wants with her. If not, she'll believe what she sees and cross him as a bully, avoiding him for good.

Regardless, his rival would be gone. That he'll make sure o

[a-d-nox]

it is my birthday tomorrow: so let's review the predictions i made last year based on my solar return chart

about a year ago, i made a predictions post for my year ahead and now here i am updating y'all with what actually happened as i previously suggested that i would! so let's jump into it - i pasted all my previous predictions in to this post for your reading ease!

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1H IN LIBRA AT 12° (contains: scorpio sun and narcissus (37117))

prediction: there is likely to be a relational focus this year and with venus (the house ruler) in the 12h it is likely to be with myself (what us my relationship with my self? how can i better treat myself? etc). my diplomacy skills are likely not going to be the best as i look at the 10h/11h, what is sitting in those houses, and that pisces degree on my 1h... with my scorpio sun present in the house, it is likely that it will be obvious that i trust no one this year (people may suspect that i only trust myself - they could feel as though i look down on them or think little of them). my sun is opposite my moon so i might feel a bit disconnected from myself... with my sun in the 1h, i will likely have a super intense vibe (not that i don't already) but in a way that seems like magnetism because it is a libra 1h? like drawing others in? i do feel like this year is going to be the sort where i am discovering who i am and who i want to be (i just have to make sure it doesn't get out of hand with the sun and narcissus (especially with his conjunction to my sun, mercury, and mars) present).

reality: i still do need to make my relationship with myself better. but it has become very apparent that i need to do so this year. i have been prioritizing things that i don't really care about more than those things i do care about. like money. the focus on money this year is really starting to annoy me can't wait to move on to something else... making money and job related stuff has taken priority over my health, my friends, my family, etc. and making a hobby into a business / job / side hustle has really annoyed me this year because i use to really enjoy doing this but i am starting to really hate it. and it truly is taking up a lot of my time. i work a full time job - i am there 45 hours a week only to come home write posts or readings for another 10 hours a week - that might sound like nothing but its really not in the grand scheme because i am starting to get older and realize that everything is a trade off. that's 10 hours i didn't exercise, i didn't see family, i didn't see friends, etc. and part of that is because i don't appreciate myself the way i should. your 20s are really precious - you are your healthiest, most free, etc. and i am spending it on fleeting things. it is possible one day i could wake up and everything i have done here won't matter - it's immaterial it could just fade into cyberspace. just like my job one day i could wake up and unknowingly it will be my last - the world of technology is ever changing. things are moving faster than ever before and i find myself cling to things locking in while everything around me goes miles a minute. change is happening and i am not letting myself go with it. i want to be my best self - which is a practice i preach to everyone but myself. that being things might evolve here as well as i try my best to live and do so authentically in the coming year.

2H IN SCORPIO AT 9° (contains: scorpio mercury, mars, and kassandra (114) AND sagittarius educatio (2440) and pythia (432))

prediction: what an interesting mix of stuff i have here... money makes the world go round this year i guess. my mercury is at 9° and my mars is at 11° - can i just cry a little...? bro wtf is bitcoin and why do i feel like i am gonna get into the world of online investing...? the coupling of these two planets (especially mars as the 2h ruler) makes me feel as though i will be making money and spending it or moving it relatively quick so that i can't use it? i say "i can't use it" because my mars opposes jupiter which makes me think of compounding interest like a CD... anywho, i am a money wizard? i have kassandra and pythia here, so i feel like i will probably make investments and use my money in unexpected ways (kassandra makes me think of emergency funds OR bad financial contracts though). i also have educatio here so at least i will be learning more about financial literacy plus i do think with mercury i will be extremely interested in learning more about finances. and with mars... it might just become a new passion of mine... aside from money, while i am likely to continue a lot of giving and receiving of knowledge this next year on social media (mercury things), there is a danger to the realm of social media... ESPECIALLY with mars present and both mercury and mars conjunct my sun then all three opposing jupiter... my self worth could take a hit which i do not look forward to.

reality: thank god i didn't touch bitcoin that can stay far far away from me. but yep investing has never been so hard core this year i am walking out of this cycle with a 401k (that has a company match), a new CD, a credit card, and a quarterly bonus type of job. i corporate girlied hard. and on top of that i have done over 100 paid readings this year. i think learning about money is very important in today's world with inflation, social politics, etc the way it is. i will continue to learn about it but i am going to stop pressuring myself as much to make a set amount here especially. also i am going to be VERY careful what influencers (idk any 23 year olds making 6 figures in real life but social media appears to be full of them) i watch because some of them are extremists and not at all realistic... some of the content is good be some of it can be very delulu - my boss told me that a person from my generation came in fresh from college asking for more than even she makes... we have to be for real while also playing the game. i have had a 51.16% increase in income in comparison to where i was at when wrote my predictions last year at this time. so trust me when i say slow and steady wins the race when the job market is the way it is.

3H IN SAGITTARIUS AT 10° (contains: sagittarius ambrosia (193), asclepius (4581), cupido (763), jormungandr (471926) rx, lev tolstoj (2810), and zeus (5731) AND capricorn aphrodite (1388) and chekhov (2369))

prediction: sagittarius and 10° for the 3h is giving "it's all fun and games until someone says/mentions ____". i have to be mindful of my mouth because while i am likely to make people feel alive with my words given ambrosia and asclepius in this house, i also have chekhov (where you want simplicity but receive drama), aphrodite, and jormungandr (where people try to end you - aka getting socially outcasted/cancelled) in the 3h... but lev tolstoj is here too so whatever i am saying that offends others or makes them mad is facts even though there is drama/gossip involved when i do say these things... the dangers of social media part 2? i feel like it may be romantic drama because zeus (i am not a zeus person because there are no aspects to the sun or asc - only a square is made from this asteroid to my venus), cupido, and aphrodite (and for aphrodite there are no aspects made to my inner planets this solar return - so it is definitely not me doing something sus like cheating) are here in the house too. i do have my suspicions as to what is happening already... and oh shiiii will it hurt because 10° is always a bit painful in my opinion. especially with the house ruler in the 8h... it just looks like emotional damage...

reality: when i tell you things that i have said were often misinterpreted or took negatively - i am not joking. i was messing with my boss and i was saying how no one has been using the form and i joked that we should make a new motto "no form, no fulfillment" and she snapped at me "thats a shitty way to do business". i didnt think i said it in a serious manner or anything but its been little things like that all year. me and my big mouth need to learn the power of silence again. and yes there was some romantic drama like the boy from last year calling me out of the blue to tell me he is planning to break up with his girlfriend... like okay? why are you calling me now after basically a year of not communicating with me? also don't bother me when you are with someone, boy. that's what he is too - a boy - because no man would play this type of game. like grow tf up. but alas of course it hurt my feelings because it sort of was flirty and it seemed like he was vetting me out for a potential hookup... it hurt me to hear how little he values me and how little he valued what he started with me to think that a hook up was all that i would be worth and desire.

4H IN CAPRICORN AT 14° (contains: capricorn pluto, balder (4059), and bellerophon (1808)

prediction: a lot of my astro friends who see this chart are like "oh are you moving?" and i am like ABSOLUTELY NOT. like i literally just moved so no. unfortunately (i hate to be this person) i do believe a beloved family member (4h balder conjunct pluto and square moon) will be passing this year. even more unfortunate - i do not think it will be an easy death with bellerophon present because he was thrown from pegasus... and not to be super disgusting, but i do believe i will inherit something expensive and very material given the earthy grand trine formed by pluto, venus, and uranus. that being said i feel like i might neglect my mental health because pluto squares my moon - i might stopping going to therapy (currently i see a therapist regarding my childhood ptsd). i might regress into people pleasing behaviors because it is all that i will be able to control if someone in my family passes... which is not the healthiest for me.

reality: i didn't move! yay thank god cause who has the energy! but the family dog did die this february... i picked her out and everything. so it was sad but she was 15 - she lived a very good life. my grandfather is still heartbroken... its very depressing. my mom had to go to the vet to put her down... but i know she was loved and now she is no longer in pain her last months she couldn't get on the couch, she struggled with having energy, wore a doggie diaper, etc. it was her time. switching gears. i have been neglecting and ignoring my mental health a lot lately just because i don't really have the energy or "time" to take care of it...

5H IN AQUARIUS AT 17° (contains: pisces saturn, amor (1221) rx, and karma (3811))

prediction: this seems like a good mix for me achieving something big with writing/blogging. especially because saturn is the traditional ruler of aquarius and capricorn (which is home - the work i do from home, a side hustle). my outlook for romance is not too good with amor in retrograde in this house nor with freedom loving aquarius ruling this house. not to mention i feel like the world will be showing me something that will cause me to have a grudge against love (saturn) and karma will be dished out. this could also be a sign that my childhood trauma could be triggered again with saturn in the 5h too (great).

reality: my goal was to reach 3k and at this point in time we are almost at 5k here. so goal reached! also unexpected but related i have a project i have been working on for over a year and it complete! which definitely is a 5h pisces saturn moment. but yes i was single the whole damn year. i think the grudge i have about love has a lot to do with my situation reappearing after a year of no conversation despite him saying we are just friends only to tell me he is going to break up with his girlfriend... but he really loves her. if you love her why are you talking to me and why are you calling me basically plotting the break up - it was icky to me... and honestly turned my stomach about love.

project: sunset cross stitch.

6H IN PISCES AT 17° (contains: pisces neptune rx, AND aries heracles (5143) rx and salacia (120347) rx)

prediction: i appreciate the that neptune is retrograde in this pisces house... last thing i wanted was for my health, routine, or hygiene to be confusing/frustrating, avoided, or to constantly be behind / running late / neglected. so this is fine by me. i might be obsessive with scheduling, health, and hygiene because jupiter (this house's other ruler) is in the 8h. it seems like the job hunt is at a standstill with heracles in retrograde - instead, i might get one great option that i take and stick to with given salacia in retrograde.

reality: i actually revamped my google calendar at the beginning of my 23rd year. i am now taking vitamins out of a pill box of all things like an old woman. and i am focusing on my hair health! i sleep with a bonnet on because i am a hard sleeper and its changing the fact that use to have tension breakage. i also am getting into hair oiling! and i did find a job in marketing after not having a lot of luck. so it only takes one person to say yes is very real.

7H IN ARIES AT 12° (contains: aries nn, chiron rx, part of fortune, pandora (55) rx, and signe (459) rx AND taurus moon and vertex)

prediction: it's a toss up as to what all this could mean. i could find myself in a very emotionally charged connection (this is the eclipse moon after all) - with chiron rx it could be the healing of past wounds. the combination of vertex, part of fortune, and north node dictates that any relationship/partnership i find myself in could be extremely significant. with pandora here i feel like it might be unexpected where this relationship will come from. WITH SIGNE HERE i feel like some people may look down on who this person is...

reality: i can officially say i am over my situationship i couldn't say that a year ago - i was too shocked that he cut me off cold turkey and started dating someone knew after telling me many time he didn't want to date anyone. but unexpectedly i did mean some really cool friends who i really get along with so that was very good this year.

8H IN TAURUS AT 9° (contains: taurus jupiter rx and uranus rx)

prediction: oof not my 8h ruler in the 12h - what's that screaming i hear lol? maybe i will be afraid of change - i mean that because of the 12h venus and jupiter retrograde... the combination doesn't really express embracing change and the unknown, you know? the uranus retrograde makes me think i will be moving away from shared finances and working on managing my own money. i definitely believe it is for the best that i keep my opportunities to myself... i don't get the sense people will be supportive of my wins - i more so sense the envy of others from this house. i don't think i will be shocked by my successes, but i feel like others will not see it coming...

reality: i really wrote that and this year can to understand its true - i fear change and i live small because of it and i 100% make my own obstacles. i am really working on ripping my own path with money. and i am learning to share a whole lot less with people because they don't always wish you well... i'm shocked i changed jobs twice. i'm even more shocked that i am changing my mind about my next move educationally and even more shocked to see i am exploring things i would have thought best to leaving in the past.

9H IN GEMINI AT 10° (contains: gemini midas (1981) AND cancer arachne (407) and odysseus (1143))

prediction: mmmm the contemplation to go back to school is real this coming year. it's weird because it might not be for my MFA? like the 9h midas sextile chiron is giving paralegal? nursing? idk but it's not feeling literary oriented... especially with cancer arachne present, i feel like that is nursing/medical-esque... alternatively, midas can be extreme change then add in odysseus, the traveler - i could be going on a trip that changes my life entirely.

reality: i did do a lot of contemplation and it really surprised me to think i should get a certification of some sort - marketing, editing, paralegal, etc. and no i didn't travel at all this year to somewhere long distance. but i did go on some road trips that are opening me up to the world around me.

10H IN CANCER AT 14° (contains: cancer ajax (1404), hannibal (2152), and loke (4862) AND leo agamemnon (911) and arthur (2597))

prediction: it's a REAL toss up how this house will manifest. i feel like sometimes people will love me and find my presence comforting and other times they will hate me and be annoyed by me. this is thanks to the moon ruler in the 7h... and ajax (who squares my chiron)... and agamemnon (who squares my moon)... i say ajax because i think of my 3h this year - i am falling on my own sword in that regard for sure because not everyone will like what i have to say especially when it is likely to be true (3h sag is starting to remind me of a verbal burn). while people are likely to look up to me (10h arthur AND hannibal) or be forced to - because of my status, they are likely to despise me for what i say/said (7h moon AND mercury and jupiter (3h ruler) square arthur). meanwhile, it might not even be me who is the problem i just look like the bad guy for making it more apparent like loki (10h loke).

reality: i am still someone who is tricky to get along with... i annoy my coworkers because i really do think too much at times... and i'm stubborn and cautious... when i was working at the hotel we got snowed in one night and everyone was like happy to be staying over but i was like i don't want to be here i wanna go tf home... but other times when people are being annoying and i am like "you're giving me a headache" my coworkers are like she said what she said and we were all thinking it...

11H IN LEO AT 17° (contains: leo charybdis (388), helena (101), and hestia (46) AND virgo beowulf (38086), juno (3), lacrimosa (208), and silentium (2710))

prediction: i feel like my popularity is going to be a thing / where i am on the social status food chain (high up). but i don't believe i can trust anyone this year... i feel like i am likely to reach big social media milestones with beowulf in this house (and this house being in leo at 17°) - social media might even take over my life a little bit (11h charybis). i do feel like friendships will be very love hate with juno and hestia here - i am likely to be a moderator of sorts but with helena here i feel like someone is going to accuse me of being disloyal because of how i am likely to moderate without bias. i might find myself truly alone again this year because of it (11h lacrimosa and silentium).

reality: i made quite a few new friends this year a lot of people came to enjoy my presence but there was one snake in the garden for sure. i am glad i didn't trust her she was complaining to my boss about me trying to get me fired... i also ran into an ex-friend which caused me a lot of stress and anxiety... but i just hard core avoided her and played cool. it was at my best friend's engagement party (juno here?). but on another note, i do feel more on the outside of friendships than ever before this year.

12H IN VIRGO AT 17° (contains: virgo venus)

prediction: greatttt i thought we were passed this but i guess not.... looks like i still need to work on my self esteem... intuitively, i don't sense social media is going to be kind to me, and i really hope that doesn't mean here. like i am okay if it is instagram (that app is dying anyway) but like here and tiktok are my favorite apps to be in. when bullying is involved though and it is consistent, there is a limitation to that favoritism in which it becomes apprehension to stay for something like a social media in comparison to showing up for myself. there could also be delusions in romance with this set up - i could experience over thinking in a romantic connections with that 12h virgo venus too. karmic relationships are highly probable with this placement too. OR it could be an ex becoming an enemy too (unknown enemies my a$$)...

reality: i didn't face bullying online i found out my bully was in my mind though... i was really not the kindest to myself this past year. i prioritized work and money over my mental, emotional, social, and physical health... and then i had the audacity to get mad i gained 8-10lbs. like no shit girl you have an office job now. so fitness is not just regularly mixed in to my schedule. or not having a boyfriend, seeing friends or family - no shit you spend all your weekends majorly on the couch at home working on your blog or paid readings... maybe i type slow but it takes a lot of time. time i am choosing to spend on making money instead of myself.

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[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - May 4

outlet anon, syllabus anon, elton john anon (new), maths project anon (new), not straight anon (new)

outlet anon

Hey Cas, Outlet anon here. I have (perhaps unfortunately) not Ascended, but that's probably for the best. (Btw I don't drink coffee very often, it's usually only when I've already pulled an all-nighter or two and need another one, (Yay finals :/) but I'll keep what you said in mind and stick to non-dangerous levels next time)

Okie doke...

First off, I ended up not talking to Doll about it until Wednesday (sending this Thursday morning) in part bc I wanted your opinion first, but mostly because I forgot. When I did, it was basically just You're important, I care about you, You're allowed to ask me for help, You're allowed to be selfish and take things for yourself, Okay?. Her response was something like 'Okay, it's just going to take me a while' and then she sent me a pin on pinterest later that day that pretty much 'I love you', so I think Success.

Next up, Probably Bad Decision #1,143,764: Doing Doll's work. Everything ended up being fine, but this had the potential to fuck me over astronomically. So she had done I think three assignments the whole semester, meaning I needed to do around thirty or forty to get her grade up. It took me three days (Friday-Sunday) and three all-nighters and I had to push back my own work. I don't even remember anything that happened on Monday, and the only part of the weekend I'm 100% sure happened is Sunday night. I passed out for a couple hours Monday night then dragged myself out of bed around 3am because I had a presentation due Tuesday afternoon that I had neglected in favor of Doll's work. BUT I got all the stuff done that needed to be done + a couple assignments due at the end of the week.

I want to talk about the reason I did it. Yes, she's my friend and I love her, but in all honesty... I did it because I'm not worth anything if I'm not useful, and if I'm not useful then Doll wouldn't want me around. I saved her ass, so now she's in my debt and would feel bad if she got rid of me. I know that's not true and whatever, but I was (unintentionally) raised to equate love to usefulness; I only got attention when I was in trouble (I still have breakdowns when someone raises their voice at me) or being helpful, otherwise I was ignored. I don't believe anyone can love me just for me. I do things and put effort into them, even when I don't have to, to make up for the fact that it's me. To apologize for the fact that I'm the one that did it.

I love silently for the most part and don't voice it very often. You'd think that means I can be loved silently, too, but I really can't. It doesn't even cross my mind that someone might care about me if they don't say it, and even then I need constant reassurance. But I don't get reassurance. The people I love are also people who love silently. So it ends up being I don't think they care about me. And. Like. I'm fine with that, though. In a twisted, messed up way. I'm okay with not being wanted as long as I'm needed, because if I'm needed then someone has a reason to care about me. I still would've done Doll's work regardless of if she ever looked in my direction again.

But I'm a walking contradiction. I need to be needed and don't care about being wanted, but at the same time I'm so terrified of getting left behind that as soon as I sense I've outgrown my use, I pull away. When I was younger, I got my heart shattered because My Person (like, if soulmates are real, they were mine) pulled away and left me bleeding out on the side of the road (metaphorically). They were the last person I ever believed loved me without needing something from me.

When I love someone, I can't just love them a little bit. I'm like James Potter in that way, because I give my entire soul to everyone I care about, and then I become Too Much Too Fast because it's not that deep for anyone else. But I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to just care a little bit. My friends become my entire world, and each and every one of them takes a little piece of my heart when they inevitably leave. I don't know how much I have left to give.

Anyway. Sorry for how long that is. Other than getting no sleep, nothing much has happened in my life, I'm just really looking forward to the end of the semester.

Cheers <3

Hi <3

Honestly you seem to have a very good understanding of yourself. but the thing is, you DESERVE to be loved for who you are, not just for what you do. And I think that goes along with like...being able to set boundaries, and take care of yourself, and put yourself and your heath (and sleep) first. Do you have access to mental heath care? A therapist can be really helpful when learning how to set boundaries, you know?

___

syllabus anon

Hey, syllabus anon here! Yeah, the trip went well and all, he was very nice to me and it was very cute. But now it's back to normal. I think I am the sort of person that cannot, like, keep texting for hours and stuff like that. Because almost all the time there's nothing to talk about. And for the past few days it's just me trying to drag a conversation as long as it'd last.

So yesterday I asked him what was wrong (like I'd always been doing), and he told me that he'd had this on his mind since right after our trip — that he felt as if I never gave him any consideration. As if he was just boyfriend by name. I was shocked. I had never meant to make him feel thaat way, and the fact that he'd just kept it to himself made me very upset. I tried to talk to him, to tell him what was going on with me. I think I have told you before, that this is both of ours' first relationship, and I'm particularly shy about such things, and since we meet in person for so less often, it takes time for me to open up and all. But I try my best. I told him that. I told him everything I wanted to tell him.

Then he just closed back up again. He said that he wished he'd never told me, like he wished he'd never started this conversation. That we had not started talking about this. I asked what use is that, because if we don't talk about things like this from the beginning, how are we supposed to move forward well? Keeping things like this to ourselves just hurts each other more. Whenever he goes all closed off and moody suddenly on me, I just get so upset. Because it makes me feel as if I did something wrong, and he wouldn't tell me. I told him that too.

And he told me to forget about it, and the conversation, and that we could just go back to normal. And he also immediately went back to normal. We didn't talk much after that, but that "just boyfriend by name" thing hurt me so bad. I have no idea how we're going to move forward from this. Because next year is busy academically for me, busier than the last one had been. It's very important for my future career and all, and I need to work hard. So if he already feels like he doesn't get any consideration from me, what will he do next year? I feel like a bad person sometimes, thinking about all this. I don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing. There are moments I wish this relationship had never started at all. I should have just remained single.

Hi!

"I asked what use is that, because if we don't talk about things like this from the beginning, how are we supposed to move forward well? Keeping things like this to ourselves just hurts each other more."

THIS. SO MUCH THIS. And the thing is, that means there's not much you CAN do. Because like....you can't force someone to talk. So you kind of have to decide what YOU need. Do you want to keep trying, or is this something that is hurting you too much? I think based on how much you've tried, and what he's said, it's clear this isn't on you.

If you want to do more, I think the only other thing you can do is out-andout say 'hey, if we don't fix this, I'm done' because he has to get his head out of his ass and communicate. But if you don't want to do that, if that's not your style, you're well within your rights to leave. Sometimes relationships are meant to teach us something, and it might be that you've learned what you needed from this one and it's time to go.

___

elton john anon

I would like to tell you a story

In 2016 my family and I went to an Elton John concert. He was playing his newest album at the time, Wonderful Crazy Night. Which pretty much sums up how the night went. It was incredible.

At the end of the concert, my sister (who is 4 years older than me) bought a t-shirt. I loved that t-shirt and I was so jealous I didn’t get one, but life went on.

Last year we were going through some boxes of our old stuff and I found the t-shirt. I don’t know why but when I saw it I got so emotional. I was crying over a t-shirt that wasn’t even mine. Since it had been 8 years since my sister bought that shirt it (unsurprisingly) didn’t fit her. It did, however, fit me. So I begged my sister if I could have it, and because she is the best person in the world, she gave it to me. To this day it is still my favourite thing to wear. Every time I see it it brings back memories of a night I don’t remember that clearly. Listening to that album and wearing the shirt so many years later just feels like I’m going back in time to a place I wasn’t so stressed all the time. It’s my favourite feeling

Elton John will forever be my favourite artist; his music reminds me of my childhood and singing in the car with my dad and my sister. My mum was never a huge fan, although I think she likes him more now.

I don’t know why I wanted to tell you this, I think I just wanted to share this story with somebody because all of it means a lot to me

aww this is such a nice story! I feel like most people have a singer or band like this...one that just stays with them. I'm so glad your sister gave you the shirt <3

___

maths project anon

Caaaaaas help meeeeeee

So I took maths this year and had two absolutely horrific teachers (great as people, horrible at teahing)

We had a really big project that was worth around 30% of my overall grade and the teacher that was handling that side of the course barely helped me even though ive done nothing like this before. I can count on one hand the amount of times he's helped me.

Hed say he'd go around the whole class but never get to me (most of the time getting to helping the two girls next to me but almost never me.)

Every time I would put my hand up to ask for his help he'd always be busy with someone else

He also said he'd print me out a template I could use (and spoiler alert: he never did)

This ended up with me only getting my introduction done and I didn't even bother sending it away to the people that mark it.

Now my other teacher handled the finance side of things and just could not explain basically anything in a way that made sense to me even after multiple attempts

He was supposed to teach us how to use excel (and he did try) but nothing he said ever made sense

Anyway this has all ended up in me being cornered by the head of the math department at my school after finishing another exam and being told I'm not gonna pass and they can remove my name from the exam if I want and if I dont respond by Wednesday (the 7th) they'll assume I don't want to do the exam

But the thing is I don't know how to tell my parents

I wasn't going to go to the exam anyway but I just can't decide if I should tell them, not tell them and attempt the exam or say I'm going and just kind of hang about the school until it would be done

But I've already been kicked out of classes like this for the last two years

I can't disappoint them again

I already know how my mum will take it, she'll be really mad at the teachers and not me

But I'm scared my stepdad will blame me and say its my fault

Because I think it might be my fault or it might be the teachers fault or it might be a mix of both I can't really tell

maybe I could've studied more and atleast I could've known the theory? I could've tried harder to get help for my project?

My mum was literally saying today that one thing about me that really annoys her is the fact that I'm a "defeatist" and I "give up so easily" and I don't know how to tell her that I practically gave up again

The only upside to this is I already have a basic qualification in maths and a place in college

But I heavily fear my stepdad will think I've wasted an entire year instead of getting a job (which he has been practically harassing me to do since I turned 18, but that's a rant for another day)

Sorry this is so long and sorry this is all being dumped on you but I had no idea who else to turn to

Thanks Cas

Hi!

Okay so I'm a bit confused on the requirements for the exam, the course, the project, etc, BUT

Looking at this from a teacher POV, I'd say that both you and the teacher hold blame. The teacher could have done a lot better about giving you the help you need, and that's not your fault at all. It sounds like they're not a very good teacher. But also, I wonder if you might have had opportunities to talk to the teacher after class, or during office hours/extra help hours?

I think before you tell your parents or decide on the exam, you should talk to the head math teacher about getting more time on the project. Explain that there wasn't a lot of time to get help in class, and hope for the best. If they say yes, then you need to ask for help. Contact the teachers who can help you, schedule time to meet and go over the things you don't understand. I know it's daunting, but it's necessary sometimes. If they say no, ask what they suggest for you to get as much credit as possible for the class, and do that. That way you have something to show your parents, you know? But yeah, don't tell your parents until you have a set plan.

Whatever you're doing, try to break it into small, less-scary parts. It's easy to give up when you have a big scary thing to do, but little things can sometimes make you feel better.

Wishing you luck!

____

not straight anon

Hey Cas. I think I might be not straight.

I’m a little scared. Some of my family is really homophobic (thankfully not so much my parents or siblings that I live with) so the idea that I might like girls is like. Really scary. Like, if one day I got a girlfriend I could not bring her to my grandparents’ house and I’d probably have to cut ties with my grandmother. I don’t know who to talk about it with, really. I have one friend, but she’s straight and it’s still scary and new. I know my mom would be loving, but I don’t know how seriously she would take it, y’know? I kind of don’t want to bring it up until I’m more certain. I’m also ace, and its really hard for me to distinguish between romantic and aesthetic attraction for people, which is Not Helping. And I’m Catholic, which adds a whole other layer of guilt and anxiety to the whole thing, despite finding a bunch of other queer people who are secure in their faith. I think I’ve been lowkey traumatized by my grandmother and her views, and find it hard to believe that most people don’t think like her. But girls are just,,, so pretty sometimes? Help?

Sorry for the rant, this has been brewing in my head for like a month and I wanted to just get it out. You’re the first person I’ve told, so thank you so much for being a safe space for so many people.

Love ya and hope you have a great day :)

Hi <3

I'm so honored you chose to tell me. I completely understand why you're scared. Coming out, or considering coming out, is scary for everyone, but especially someone like you who might not be supported by everyone.

I think what you're doing is exactly right--looking for people to be in your support system. You said you found queer people who are secure in their faith. Can you continue to seek out queer people in your life that could be safe for you? Does your school have a GSA, maybe, or something similar? Building a support system is always important, but I think it'll make you feel safer, and help you decide what to do.

Sending love!

[chevelleneech]

Y’all be sounding so well thought out with some of y’all’s analyses of Jimin and Jungkook’s actions and words, that I be nodding along and ready to click reblog, but then y’all swan dive off into the most biased and ridiculous takes.

Thinking any of us can sus out when JM and JK have hurt each other on any level deeper than what we see, especially moments where they are only seen laughing and smiling on screen, is crazy talk. I have said this before too, about the idea that they suffer from serious jealousy at times.

We do not know that and have no reason to think that if they’re together, jealousy plays any part in their relationship. It is a natural reaction and I’m sure has made appearances, but a lot of y’all think they get jealous over other members, and assert it as a fact. A lot of y’all think they are hurt when the other does this or that with their other friends, and assert it as a fact.

Crazy.

Giving your opinion on surface level stuff, and then saying, “Maybe” something else might be going on is fine. But the way y’all be like “I do think he was hurt for (insert reason), and that’s why he did (insert thing).” doesn’t make any sense to me, because the only reason you think he was hurt, is because you yourself need to make up a reason for why he did a thing you either don't agree with or don’t understand, and that’s not what an unbiased opinion is.

We cannot decide Jimin and Jungkook’s feelings for them, and then present them as proof of a relationship. We can only interpret what we see and hear, and discuss why it appears to point toward or against a relationship.

So I can say: “Jungkook seemingly being more annoyed at Jimin for not agreeing the pink sausage was indeed pink sausage and not ham, leads me to think he felt playfully vindicated that Jimin got it wrong instead of trusting his taste buds given how often they imply JK cooks for him. Whereas, he didn’t really acknowledge Tae being wrong, because he wasn’t as shocked Tae didn’t believe him, since it’s likely Tae simply isn’t aware of how good JK’s sense of taste is.” — Saying that keeps my thoughts separate from what actually happened, because I can’t say for certain JK felt any of those emotions nor had any of those thoughts. It just appears that way given the context.

What I can’t say: “Jungkook flinched at Jimin for not agreeing the pink sausage was pink sausage, because he cared more about what Jimin thought than Tae, and Jimin not trusting/believing him hurt him a little. So he expressed himself by flinching at him, because his instinct was to rub it in his face.” That is completely subjective, and assigns both emotions and thoughts we have no way of knowing he had or felt.

It is perfectly okay to try your best to be objective, because no one should be having completely subjective opinions on what’s going on between JM and JK, because we don’t know them on a personal level.

This is also why Tkkrs will never get me to see their side clearly. They do not operate with an as objective view point as possible. Everything on their end is subjective, because their interpretations are often based on their wants and not the reality of what is being shared with us. So it’s odd to me to see so many Jikookers veering down that route lately. You guys are wanting situations to be this or that, instead of interpreting what the situation is or appears to be.

[anonomouswriter-blr]

Housenapped: Tanner Grayton X OC - Chapter 1: Suspicious Activity

I am a casual writer, meaning I don't upload consistently. Please don't get attached to any "series" I write (as it may only be one part released). Either way, I hope you enjoy.

Word Count: 1299

I wake up the next morning with sun rays shining through the sides of my curtains. I have these thick, velvet curtains to keep my room dark, good for warding off unwelcome nighttime visitors, but at this time of day, visible streaks of light appear on the wall.

My days are typically filled with something to do, but not entirely busy. I work from home so everything I do is through the computer. I’m a graphic designer. I create visual concepts, mostly for housing layouts and home decoration, and send them to marketers and developers who make it a reality. I also send them to clients who are looking to change things up in the home. When I’m not doing that, I host online auctions for charity or I sell items I don't want any more to make a little extra cash. Those three practices combined; I make quite a bit of money overall. Then, when the sun begins to set, my neighborhood watch duties begin. I make my rounds, get back home by nightfall, and in my free time I watch television.

Back when I was in public school, I used to envy the people who got to wake up to the natural sunlight. I would get up at four o'clock in the morning just to get ready for classes. Now I get to wake up in the afternoon. I pull myself out of bed, do my morning routine, and decide to go to the store. Now that I think about it, the store is really the only reason I leave the house. Even my clothes I order online. Sometimes I consider going out more, but every time I try, a sense of dread overcomes me and I back out. I can barely stand getting groceries. Going to my kitchen, I check to see what I may need.

Everything.

I need everything.

My fridge is bare bones. There's only water, expired plant milk, cabbage I will never touch and a well-used bottle of ketchup. And a box of tampons? So I did have tampons! I bought a new box for nothing? I really need some sleep if I’m so I’m putting sanitary products in the fridge. I should get rid of them all together and switch to those new period panty things. I leave the kitchen and grab my bag.

It’s freeing owning a car now. I used to only take Ubers and Lifts, but Luna convinced me to stop being afraid and get my own car. So I finally bit the bullet and got one. It’s a humble little used car, but it works all the same and gets me to my destination. It’s a weekday so the stores aren’t too crowded. I should have pre-planned my meals before I came to narrow down my grocery list, but I guess I’ll work on staple items and intuition. Rice, potatoes, cheese, veggies and whatever else comes to mind. I quite enjoy grocery shopping when it’s not busy.

I end up returning home with far too many bags. That darn Costco and their love for bulk items. I take the food out of the bags, putting them in their respective places in my kitchen. The purchase I’m most excited for I place proudly on my dining table: the huge triple chocolate cake with delicious chocolate icing presented on the crystal cake stand my mom got me. I'll do my best to cherish it, but it’s so good it may just be gone by the end of the week. Realising I didn’t have breakfast before I left, I make myself two raspberry toaster strudels and head to my home office. 

Every day, before I start work, I check my email for any upcoming projects or job opportunities. I read each assignment to myself under my breath. “Faith Gallagher’s thinking of rearranging her sunroom... Maddox of ‘A Hat’s Home’ wants me to design a mini house for Nathan Sharp... wants to surprise his wife- that's a good commission. Cory Davis and… hmm?”

I click on a message sent from Youngman, Luna. I wasn’t expecting to hear from her. It was an email letting me know I was on my own for Nightwatch tonight. Apparently, the scheduled member is too sick to take the shift with me. I emailed her back, letting her know I don’t mind covering the route by myself, then returned to my other emails.

I’m halfway through my work and hungry again. I know I should consider eating a sandwich or salad, but that cake has been calling my name since I picked it up. Shamelessly, I grab a big piece of the heavenly treat, and as the hours go by, I have my second piece, then my third, then my fourth. Needless to say, half the cake was gone by the time work ended. So long cherishing it. Before I know it, I’m getting ready to do my rounds. Like every night, this one is uneventful. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if someone did come across a criminal. What would they do? I have a registered gun and fight training, courtesy of the many instructors I've paid, but my neighbors might not. The police here have a slow response time and no one in this neighborhood seems to have any sense of self-defense. You’d think living in a neighborhood with recent suspicious activity would at least give someone the sense to invest in security.

It’s good that I joined though. At least I know what to look out for. In addition to the self-defense classes, I took quite a few crime-based classes in college. Did I waste my life? I'm nowhere near old, but considering all the college classes I took and all the degrees I have, shouldn't I be doing something more than designing rooms and cowering in my house? No. This is smart. This is safe.

I’m finally home, so ready to binge watch come TV. But of course, before I start my marathon I get some food. I microwave a bag of theater popcorn and start making my dinner. Once I’m finished with all that, I put them on some TV-trays and head back to the kitchen to get some more cake, but I pause. I keep promising myself I’ll start living healthy. I just got it and already half is gone. Tomorrow. I think to myself, and take a piece of cake. But something’s… off. I could have sworn I only ate half the cake. It looked like another piece had been taken. I should probably check the house to see if someone is here, but come on. What kind of professional criminal takes a slice of their victims' cake?

I shrug it off and take a big slice, then return to my living room TV. I start the marathon, but not even ten minutes in I’m distracted by a feeling. I have all my lights on, but I still want to be certain. I quickly get to my laptop and check my outside cameras. Everything seems okay, but what is that? I swear I saw a glimpse of white in the corner. What in the world?

Not wanting to get myself worked up, I settle on it being a cat or a bag or something. But just to be sure I look around the house. My bathroom light is on. I never keep it on. I must have forgotten to this morning before leaving. I don’t find anyone in the house and the outside looks fine from the windows, so I sit back down in the living room, lay a blanket over my lap, and start eating. I’m up until early morning watching, but the whole time I can’t help but think:

What was that white movement in my camera?

Uploaded: 20.Fri.Dec.2024

[leatherbookmark]

Sometimes I think about omegaverse too much because like

There are some settings where it's common for the pack alpha to be the one responsible for punishments, usually spanking. So whenever a member of the pack does something wrong, they talk it out, but even after they admit to everything, apologize and say they won't do it again, the head alpha still administers spanking. Everyone understands and acknowledges that This Is The Best Way. Even when a pack member is so upset and defiant that they actively resist/fight the idea of being spanked, it happens to them in the end nonetheless.

And like... the impies... are fascinating.

BECAUSE: what does it mean in the context of children?

(I feel like omegaverse in general, despite all this "omegas get pregnant regardless of the primary gender" stuff, rarely thinks about children/teenagers as people. Merely concepts. I've read a fic where one's secondary gender presentation occurred in their very late teens, if not somewhere around university, and I just... this is similar to people only seeing in color once they meet their soulmate -- in their teens if they're lucky, even later if they're not. Like. Author I love that you're having fun but you did not spend five SECONDS considering this idea beyond "ooo it would be cool".)

Do people just... think spanking is good and works? Or the opposite: do they raise their children in a non-violent way, while spanking their partners? No, that makes no sense, the children would see that and wonder what's up. Is spanking only a thing in childless packs? Is spanking only a thing in packs that specifically are into that? But I haven't really seen any fics that would make it clear enough; it's usually a person going from a violently abusive pack to one that's "better" because it only uses spanking according to the packs rules. It's always "what, no, oh my god, we're not LIKE THAT... our violence is wholesome"

And I mean, I'm not saying spanking done by adults to adults is hashtag always bad abusive etc etc, it's just that I wish there was something more done with it? Another fic I've read (that I currently can't remember literally ANYTHING ELSE about, rip) had a character that, even after talking everything out in detail, including the proportion of whose fault it was, explanation for why the sides acted like they did etc, and forgiveness, still felt incredibly anxious and understimulated, and needed physical punishment to feel like "something" has occurred to make things okay again. It was a result of trauma, and I really liked it because usually you'd see authors making this part of the character magically healed by a gentle and loving partner who refuses to even think of violence -- but here, instead, the character's partner understood that this was the way their mind worked, and did their best to accomodate that in a safe and consensual way.

But most fics I've read don't really... do that. It's like, oh hi Steve, welcome to our pack, we're all really niceys to each other but if you are very mean to someone we are going to spank you on your bare ass. Well, and if you do something really bad, we're going to spank you until your ass is glowing like a stop light and you yourself are crying your eyes out! And everyone nods along like yes, this is normal and understandable, of course alpha, proceed alpha.

This is 100% because I simply am not the target for omegaverse stories (I don't like mpreg, I don't like tradwifey fuckhole omegas and dominant possessive alphas, and also it pisses me off when everyone smells like an explosion in a perfume store and it's supposed to be a good thing) and keep on reading them despite that, but the most interesting thing in omegaverse (or any "what if the world had catboys"-adjacent alternate universes) TO ME is the worldbuilding and it kind of :( that authors just ehhhh whatever it away so often.

[metatiki]

In Memoriam of Stories Untold

Or, Musings on the Benefit of The Three Choices of Veilguard

(To make it clear, I know this whole affair is a place of high emotion and disappointment to many. I simply wish to present a different side. My side. Also I get wordy - which is nothing new, I know. Thank you to anyone who chooses to read my maudlin musings.)

This is Kethry Aeducan, not my Canon Warden, but still one of my Warden babies:

Kethry dealt with the Blight with the same straightforward practicality as she did with everything else: on point and with a certain amount of brusqueness. She lacked the subterfuge and ambition of her brother Bhelen, who took advantage in a way that changed the course of her life forever and catapulted her ultimately into the role of Hero of Ferelden and Paragon of her people. However, along the way she found friends she never would have encountered as a noble dwarf in Orzammar, most importantly among them the woman who became the love of her life: Leiliana.

After I finished her story in DAO & DAA, I spent a little time crafting their retirement. Kethry trained up another Grey Warden to replace her as Warden-Commander, and she and Leliana traveled Thedas with a leisure they could never have experienced during the Blight. They sought out the most ridiculous shoes they could for Leliana, and an equally silly collection of hair ribbons for Leliana to weave into Kethry's hair for their nightly ritual of conversation and relaxation while Leliana's fingers danced through her lover's hair. It wasn't an exciting life (aside from the occasional bear) but it was the perfect life for someone who know she would never have the pleasure of dying of old age in her lover's arms.

And then DA2 came out.

Suddenly their quiet life wasn't so quiet because apparently Leliana had been busy out on a search with Cassandra for Hawke. All right. I made adjustments and delayed their retirement a little bit longer, but assumed that at some point she and Kethry would still get their time together.

And then DAI came out, and Kethry basically lost Leliana to Divine Justinia. No retirement. No traveling together. No spending their time idling in camp while Leliana wove braids into Kethry's hair. Instead, Leliana had been the Left Hand of the Divine, the sinister hand, all along, squeezing in time with Kethry as best as she could but putting off their already shortened happily ever after by ten full years. So I mourned the loss of the world state I'd built them as I reconstructed it, moved ten years of their time into headcanon, and updated her world state in the Keep.

But it was not the story I had originally chosen for Kethry.

~~~

This is Kamila Hawke, who is my Canon Hawke:

Kamila's life in Kirkwall broke them slowly over time. Torn between the need to provide for their family and their mother's lingering bitterness around Carver's death, Kamila tried their best to navigate the streets of Kirkwall while also trying to find their way from 'daughter' to 'son' but getting stuck in uncertainty somewhere along the way. Their friends did what they could, but by the time the Arishok had been dealt with and Meredith became a statue of angry red corruption on the flagstones of Kirkwall, the spark of anger which had driven Kamila for years finally sputtered and dimmed. They kept in contact with Varric the longest, but eventually even that trickle of messages stopped. One day Varric received Kamila's heavy sword from a traveling dwarf merchant, accompanied only by the short message: I'm sorry, Varric. Keep Bethany safe. Varric mourned the loss, comforted Bethany on the loss of her last sibling, and made sure that Hawke's story would never be forgotten in the only way he knew how.

And then DAI came out. Yes, I could have left Kamila's story well enough alone, but they were still my Canon Hawke, and I had a Canon world state I wanted to use. So, once again, I shifted a world state from 'canon' to 'headcanon', brought Kamila back from the Void, and gave them a new ending, one where they defiantly stood against a Nightmare to give someone else a chance to finish what they could not.

But it still wasn't the story I had chosen for them.

~~~

This is Martin Trevelyan, my Canon Inquisitor, with the man he loves more than any other:

(art by xla-hainex)

This is, of course, years after the tumultuous events of the Inquisition. Martin and Dorian have settled into a comfortable relationship of loving understanding, Dorian of Martin's constant need to be on the move and Martin of Dorian's duties and responsibilities as a Magister and one of the leaders of a movement to improve the Imperium from within. But it is still a life full of love and nightly conversation, whether in person over a glass of wine or via a small device that hums with magic.

The experience with Kethry and Kamila (among other Wardens and Hawkes whose stories I had to change) have made me hesitant to imagine too many details for him, particularly knowing that the Inquisitor was more than likely going to show up in the next Dragon Age game. I felt bold imagining them as they are above, older and happy and enjoying life together, but it felt like a place they would come to, even if they did so later rather than sooner. Ever since they confirmed the Inquisitor would be in the new game and started giving more details, I have been bracing myself, wondering how I would have to change Martin's story and what I would lose.

And then came the whole '3 Choices' Debate. And...I'm happy.

Oh, Martin's story isn't out of the woods yet, of course. Dorian might be in Veilguard, after all, and Martin will be. Evil gods are stalking the North and shenanigans will, indeed, ensue, and right now I have no idea what, ultimately, will happen. But from what we have learned, with the narrow focus of what past decisions will be considered to appear in Veilguard, I feel that I can hope that, for once, I may be able to keep the story I chose for my Trevelyan.

And I admit, I appreciate that freedom. I know there are many who are mourning the loss of what could have been, but I, for once, am able to hope for what should be, and not worry that Martin's story will be untold.

[bladeandspell]

I need to just ramble about Ishura and Holstatt because ohhh man, they're always on my mind. Trust me when I say this is peak, ideal ship material. Listen... forbidden friends to lovers to enemies to tense allies...

They are so diametrically opposed. Ishura primarily uses fire, and Holstatt primarily uses ice. Ishura follows Pelgia, and Holstatt follows Jibricia. Ishura works tirelessly to climb his way to the top, while Holstatt is naturally brilliant. But what they have in common is that they are both so full of love and passion that they can barely stand it-- for their home, for their people, and of course, for each other.

Ultimately, despite the gravity of everything Holstatt has to do to keep what he loves safe, he never wavers. That's because he finds it easier to focus on the problem in front of him than to think about what it costs. Understanding what's at stake helps motivate him, and that knowledge can see him through the most difficult trials. He will give his life without hesitation to save the ones he loves, and that's the least of it.

But the moment anyone so much as mentions Holstatt's name, Ishura falters. He loses conviction. He withdraws into himself. The uncertainty, the lack of control-- they're shackles to him. For all that he presents himself as disciplined and as strict on himself as he is on others, he is a deeply sentimental and emotional person who struggles to reconcile grief with duty. He would chase Holstatt to the ends of the earth, his pursuit never losing steam, he could hold his blade directly to Holstatt's throat... and never, ever be able to strike the decisive blow.

But they really are both each other's biggest weakness. For Holstatt, Ishura was the only person who ever saw him for who he was. The only person who ever gave him a real chance to be something more than a prodigy of rune magic. Others certainly tolerated him, but that's all it was-- he's under no illusion that it was ever anything more than humouring Ishura's (and Arazaad's) idealistic whims.

And for Ishura, well... Holstatt is the only person he's ever been able to express himself properly with. They speak the same language, in a way-- Holstatt easily pierces through Ishura's solemn demeanor to make sense of the ocean of feelings buried beneath it, and Ishura understands the true meaning behind Holstatt's incredibly abrasive mannerisms. Neither of them are pressured to be something they aren't in order to communicate; they can simply be, with their guards down.

It's incredibly meaningful that when Ishura wakes up after having been possessed, the first thing he sees is Holstatt, and he understands that Holstatt, despite everything that had happened, was instrumental to saving him. And he simply can't keep his emotions in check anymore. He just isn't strong enough to completely hold himself together. Still recovering from his coma, struggling to piece together reality after the mess of fake memories and visions he'd seen while possessed, he just can't also contend with being face to face with his estranged best friend, someone he'd imagined would always be by his side, who had (from his perspective) burned everything they'd ever worked for to the ground.

He starts yelling, which is something he rarely does. He's just that shaken. And maybe that's the reason why, when Holstatt tells everyone else present that he'll submit to punishment if they let him talk to Ishura first, Ishura decides to hear him out. And why, once he finally, finally learns the truth of what happened on that horrible day, no matter how strongly he wants to deny it, he just... can't. He believes what he hears. He's had his suspicions all along, but he has never been able to trust that it isn't simply his traitorous, desperate heart feeding him thoughts he wishes were true.

And here, now, is Holstatt, reaching out with the friendship they'd both given up for lost, offering a reality in which he was forced to do all those horrible things that had catalyzed everything.

So, although this is the best possible outcome for him, although it's everything he'd dared not hope for, he just can't look Holstatt in the eyes. Even though he doesn't have the authority to do so, he tells Holstatt to go. And the one who DOES have that authority doesn't say a word; everyone in that room reached the same conclusion.

The fact that Holstatt believed in Ishura so much that he was willing, after EVERYTHING he'd sacrificed, to throw it away on the chance he could get Ishura to believe his pretty far fetched story is just so powerful. It wasn't always like that, but it was because of the possession that things changed and he took that chance.

No matter what they do, no matter where they go, they are always, always on each other's mind. Idk I just think they're neat.

[courtofmatchups]

You're out here doing the lords work, and I need to thank you for scratching the itch in my brain lol. Good fortune for you and your loved ones, may the lines you encounter always be short, and may you have endless creativity. Hell yeah, brother.

Could I ask for a Tokyo Debunker matchup? I'm willing to do a trade, too, if you're interested! I've only written for a few characters between Obey Me and tkdb, but I'd def love to repay the kindness.

So, hi. I'm Birds, or Birdy. She/her, bisexual/maybe ace? gray-ace? one of those, at least.

Appearance: 5'9, pale, super wavy dark blonde/light brown hair, and hazel eyes. I have a deceptively cute round face and big glasses. i've been told that I give off a naturally sweet and impish impression because of that. I'm also fairly slim, but there's definitely a layer of chicken nugget insulation for warmth and comfort.

MBTI/Zodiac: INFP and Gemini

About me: I tend to spend most of my time in my head, and I can easily come off as ditzy or standoffish. I have inattentive ADHD and I'm really introverted, so typically I try not to speak up unless I have something worth saying. I keep a few close friends and tend to unload all of my thoughts from the day on them (and as quiet as I am, I talk a mile a minute when I'm excited or explaining something interesting.) Multiple people have told me (to my face c':) that they were shocked by how intelligent I actually am. And yeah, maybe math and spelling aren't my thing, but for the most part, my silly goose hat is a choice. I have trouble speaking my thoughts out loud, so I'm a big fan of burying my negative emotions as deep as possible until i'm a walking shell of a person, self-sabotaging, and using swear words or memes to express myself. But what I lack in, like, everything else, I make up for by being as good of a friend as possible. I love making the people I care about laugh just as much as I love messing with them and I'm willing to make myself look like a fool to make them smile.

Hobbies: Writing, reading, sewing, and then whatever little hobbies I pick up and then forget about in a week. A fun fact about me is that I once spent over 8 hours on the phone my best friend doing nothing but discussing our oc's.

Likes: spooky/whimsical things, fairy lights, making my loved ones laugh and/or roll their eyes, small, comfortable nooks to hide in, music (any genre, it's just gotta match the vibes), dating sims, fandom history (putting together a legit presentation on the history of zines in fan studies rn), and holding hands c:

Dislikes: Loud places, bright lights, speaking to people without being able to prepare myself, not having headphones somewhere on me, people who go out of their way to be mean, objectively dumb opinions being said confidently, and any perceived wrong done to my loved ones

Qualities I look for: Patience and physical affection. I'm a forgetful mess and I'm mean enough to myself without someone else getting frustrated with me, and casual affection like hugs and hand holding give me something to ground myself with. They'd need to see me as a partner and best friend rather than Conventionally Attractive Girl, too. My Manic Pixie has been Dream Girl'ed more than enough.

Thank you again!

It seems to me you've captured the heart of...

Haku Kusanagi!

I could see a few others being potential matches, Like Alan or Haru, but I feel like Haku would be the best match for you. Hear me out: I feel like he'd be initially drawn in by your silly and whimsical nature. Haku likes being around sharp and witty people. He's pretty easygoing and will tease you, but he doesn't go out of his way to be mean. He does tease you about being in the clouds at times, but he does like that dreamy side of you. He's not too picky about appearances when it comes to partners, so even more reason he's a great match for you.

As for your tendency to yap about anything that interests you, you can bet that he would like to see you get so animated about the things you like, but you might need to slow it down so he could understand what you're talking about. He will tell you though.

Haku doesn't really have a set preference for hobbies, he just enjoys making memories with his partner, so any hobby either of you choose to do would be a fun and stimulating experience.

Haku is also pretty emotionally intelligent, so he'll be able to help walk you through the emotions you're feeling. He's a patient man, and will understand if you mess up for one reason or another. He'll also help if that happens. And don't worry about physical affection, he will shower you with that in the event you're feeling down and cannot articulate your feelings in a way other than "I need a hug right now."

All in all, I see a happy relationship between the two of you

[dangermousie]

Farscape rewatch: 2x11 Look at the Princess Part 1

This three-parter is one of my fave eps and I think classic Farscape: taking the usual scifi trope and remaking it into something unique. On the surface, the set-up is something that has been done before, not just in scifi but in adventure lit of Victorian era: our brave Earthling (or Big Game Hunter, or Aristocratic Englishman) ends up having to pretend/be the groom of local royalty. Because he is so awesomely superior and attractive, of course. See Prisoner of Zenda and 8 million other titles. But this is Farscape, so this is not the case at all. When John is being chased, it’s never anything good  (I keep thinking of the fact that when Farscape finally decided to do the good old ‘hero must have more than one woman’ thing, they had Crichton raped by Grayza. In general, Crichton’s uniqueness brings him nothing but misery.) Here, the ‘other culture’ is far superior to the Earth one in its advancement, it’s powerful and needs no favors from anyone. Moreover, there is no ‘love’ or ‘he is so attractive’ on the part of the ‘natives.’ The reason Crichton works is, precisely, because in this world he is the genetic screw-up so he works as a mate for Katralla whose DNA has been messed with.

Nor is John someone who falls for the exotic Princess, or heroically rushes to the rescue of the kingdom out of noblesse oblige. He fights being married tooth and nail and then ‘unheroically’ surrenders to it when faced with threat of being turned over to Scorpius, and then saves everything only out of desperation and at the end, he is confronted with loss: his inability to kill Scorpius, the fact that he will never see his future child.

You know, I’ve forgotten how sharp the dialogue in Farscape is and how easily is can alternate between heart-breaking and completely funny. I keep thinking of the scene with John and D’Argo where John talks to D’Argo about hope and how “I have hope or I have nothing” and it’s an utterly heartbreaking scene:

(D’Argo pointing out his alternative is brain dissection by Scorpius is so very on brand - there is never an easy out or a good choice and a bad choice, just a bunch of bad choices.)

But anyway, it’s heartbreaking...

But it segues right into the bit of cultural misunderstanding about what ‘best man’ means and it’s now funny.

(Side note - will always love that D’s objection to what he thinks is John is propositioning him is “I am in a relationship already” and not anything else.)

D is a really good friend to John in this. They’ve come a long way since s1. Only a good friend would tolerate being constantly interrupted in his activities with Chiana (I love that John is so freaked by his future he merely registers her there and continues talking). John needs a friend badly at LATP. He doesn’t know it, but his insanity breakdown has began for real (he tells Aeryn he hears Scorpy in his head and she shrugs it off as paranoia. It must be pretty awful for John to have the one person you fear and hate the most always present). It’s a shudder-inducing scene in retrospect as it would be bad enough if it were PTSD but as is (Aeryn’s asking if 80 years as a statue is better than Scorpius here shows how much she does not yet get just how damaged John got by all of this; she will by the end of s2 but the price will be horrific.)

He is trapped by the Empress (whom I am not a fan of. I understand the necessity, but people who have no problems using other people as pawns are not a fave. And the whole setup is seriously proof as to why monarchy is a bad form of government - they are one bad ruler away from disaster). And then there is Scorpy. I love that John’s reaction to Scorpy is purely visceral, unreasoning. He is terrified and the way he uncontrollably flashbacks to his torture is evident on his face, and he tries to jest and put bravado but it all falls hollow.

He cannot control himself. I don’t think anyone else, not even Crais or Grayza, comes close to eliciting such a reaction out of him. Crais did a number on him physically, Grayza raped his body, and both hunted him assiduously, but Scorpius raped his mind and that’s his most important faculty in the mad world he’s thrust into. (But I love that even with all of that, he still asks Katralla what she wants not just as a last ditch hope of escape but because he does not believe in forcing people.) And now, I want to discuss my favorite stuff: John and Aeryn. I find myself both very frustrated with Aeryn through these eps (until the end of ep 3) and understanding completely where she comes from. She might deny that her wanting this marriage off is jealousy but Chiana can see it. I think in a way Crichton can too, but he needs her to give him something, anything to indicate reciprocity, that she would one day want to have something with him. The worst is when she says she won’t come to the wedding. She pushes a lot and wants a lot but tries to give nothing in return and yes that is very unfair but she is terrified, being with John would be the first real relationship she would have and she cannot handle the exposure, not yet. She can deal with the sex but she cannot deal with feelings. Her ambivalence is totally encapsulated in the first scene: she scents her hair so John would notice and tells him so later but when he does, she freaks and pulls away. He leans in for a kiss and she kisses him back but then breaks off. No wonder John is going insane.  I always die a little of swoon when they discuss the hair oil and she says that she will tell Zhaan he found her oils pleasing and he responds, both frustrated and trying to convince her desperately: ‘It’s you I find pleasing. Oh boy. She desperately needs to make it all about sex (something she is used to and familiar with). Crichton only wants her for sex, he is a walking horndog on legs etc etc, because she wants to deny any of her own feelings and any of his.

After having seen the entirety of Farscape, I melt a little when she sees Crichton interact with the simulacrum of his child and she realizes that he would want a child, that children are important to him. But also - as I mentioned, this is one child Crichton will never meet and he just has to live with it, there are no clean victories (side note, I loved that John was the one who wanted the emotions and the marriage and the baby and Aeryn had to think long and hard; such delicious reversal.)

P.S. Rygel/Aeryn kiss will never cease being funny. But also extra hilarious in light of his becoming her baby’s surrogate later, heeee.

PPS Ain’t it the truth

[boobeees]

Little intro to my tdbk oc’s 🩷

The main oc I use for stuff is Boo which funnily enough is drawn the worst on these little intro image oops,, I tried to put them all in different houses since well it’s fun to have variety!! Lil basic descriptions in coming..

Boo;

Mortkraken student and ghoul, their stigma allows them to transform pain into strength, so for example the more you hit them, the stronger they become. They’re painfully in love with Yuri isami, kinda obsessed with him till the point they start to tweak if he’s away for too long.. besides that they’re friendly!! Just a little weird. Their wish was used to get their cannibalistic misandrist serial killer brother out of jail, not the smartest move but they were desperate.

King;

The cannibalistic brother in question, he is great socially but due to his reputation of him killing only men (not counting his mother), most guys stay away from him. Most of the guys he killed were rapists, abusers, etc though, so braver girls who allowed themselves to get to know him love being friends with him. He’s a guy but he’s also a girls girl. He loves his little sibling to death and would do anything for them including murder both of their parents. He absolutely despises Jiro because he thinks he’s trying to take away his title of best big brother.. Jiro thinks he might be into him

Himotaro;

When he was born he was given away to a facility that was basically training anomaly like child soldiers since the country he was born in had been at was for years. After making a deal with a demon he could escape though with a bunch of the other kids, sadly enough a side affect of this made him able to see and hear the ghosts of everyone who he killed in the escape progress (he burned down the building, so it was a lot, including his twin brother and some crazy clown running it) so yeah he’s busy going crazy most of the time and screaming at things that ‘aren’t there’

Nuto;

Perfectionist and need to be the best at everything constantly Sinostra student, he usually appears calm and collected but gets annoyed rather quickly.. they’re personality wise kinda similar to Romeo, just a little nicer to you as long as Nuto views you as someone underneath him so not someone to worry about. He’s in a queer platonic relationship with Himotaro and is great at dealing with the others freakouts

Motomo;

Orphan that grew up with Kashime and is madly in love with him, he’s the definition of maybe he didn’t fall first but he certainly fell harder. He’s not a ghoul but he’s still rather strong, or at least he likes to tell people.. he’s actually a rather pathetic softie who absolutely adores cute fuzzy cats and his ‘tough guy’ act dissapeared just like that when he’s presented with one. He thinks his top surgery scars makes him look badass so now he refuses to wear a shirt.

Kashime;

Calm and collected, least pathetic person out of all of them. As a kid he basically ruled the orphanage they lived in with an iron fist. He loves playing the piano and keeping to himself most of the time, well apart from Motomo. When they were kids he really liked the other, but after a traumatic romance with someone else he isn’t ready for dating yet, luckily enough Motomo is willing to wait till he feels ready again, and in the meanwhile they can just have some flirty banter

[purplesurveys]

1956 - Happy holidays!

Is it wicked hard for you to sleep when its hot in your room? So much. It's miserable how 'hot' is pretty much our default in the Philippines, but at least we have something to manage it - the magical aircon, lmao. I don't get to have it on 24/7 though because it would swell up the electricity bill to hell and back...so what usually happens is that I sleep comfortably with the aircon on timer, then wake up with usually sweat on my back already. It's miserable.

What is your favorite thing to do with your best friend? Talk about anything and everything under the moon, well beyond midnight someplace intimate and outdoors - usually, either my rooftop or her patio. That's usually how we hang out now because we're turning into old motherfuckers lol + malls and anywhere else are super hectic and crowded.

Are you easily offended? I'm very sensitive when it comes to personal stuff, like if someone takes a shot at the work I do (believe it or not your older Filipino relatives can and will do that!) or people I love. But in exchange, I also tend to have an unhesitantly big mouth so I can bite back if my sensitivity is triggered.

Have you ever acted as tour guide for friends/relatives from out of town? No. I once volunteered to be my cousins' and their fiances' tour guide when they flew in here to Manila from the US but I suddenly got a work sched so I wasn't able to do it. :(

Do you feel bored with your life? It's barely boring but I do feel unfulfilled because my life has been revolving around work for the longest time. Without a direct superior, I've been doing double the tasks so my priority has kind of just organically shifted toward my career than paying attention to my personal life and my ~self-fulfillment needs~

What's the most weight you've ever gained from a medication? I've never been on regular medication.

How old were you the first time you encountered God? On a very literal and technical sense, I guess when I was like 2 months old and got baptized? Haha. I haven't been a practicing Catholic in like a decade, though.

Are you married? Nope.

What was the best date you've ever been on? I have one in mind but I don't feel like taking stuff out from that particular memory box.

Do you feel free to post how you feel on Facebook? Sure. Not through me directly because I never yap on there unless it's about BTS lol, but I'll repost stuff that I agree with.

Which stereotype do you fit the most? Overcompensating eldest Asian daughter trying to find her place in the world and doing her best to break generational traumas. It's hilarious how shared our experiences are.

Who were your favorite celebrities as a child? As a child, my life was consumed by High School Musical so, like, their entire cast I guess lol. I was also into wrestling early on - my faves were Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, and unfortunately so Chris Benoit until he did the thing he did.

Did you go to prom? I had to. It was required to - Filipino Catholic school things.

If you could rewind time ten years, would you? No. I only look at the present and what's ahead.

What is the last song you played on repeat? The8 Side by Side is so good. Seventeen's solo singles are generally underrated.

Do you own a CD player? Nope. I mean I have one in my car haha but nothing here in my room.

Do you think you could handle a job in the medical field? Why or why not? Well, no. I have close to zero background in science so I would fail almost immediately.

Would you rather edit photos on your phone or computer? I don't edit photos and am not good at it either so I'd rather do it on my phone where you'd already have apps that would make the job so much more simplified.

What is one electronic device you own that you have not used in a long time? I'm pretty sure we're still keeping the PS2 around but we haven't brought that out in over 15 years.

When was the last time you wore a dress or a skirt? Last time I wore a dress must have been sometime last week. I wear black dresses to work a lot.

What is your favorite thing about Instagram? Unless you're a celebrity/influencer, it's generally the most drama-free social media since people are just out there living their lives. If you don't give a crap about curating your feed or keeping up a certain aesthetic, it's very freeing to use.

What is the first thing you think of when you see the rainbow emoji? 🌈? Happiness.

Do you prefer to play chess or checkers? Checkers because I at least have some faint idea of how it's played. I've never understood chess, even with my cousin trying to teach me for decades hah.

If you had to go an entire week without using any technology, what do you think you would spend most of your time doing instead? How lovely. I'd book a hotel room somewhere to be isolated and just spend the days going out for walks, trying out new restaurants, people watching etc.

Would you rather travel to Asia or France? Asia. I've been around Southeast and East Asia but would still love to explore the rest!

Did you have a New Year’s kiss? No.

Are there any words that you cannot pronounce or that you pronounce incorrectly? My Filipino tongue finds 'beautiful' hard to pronounce.

Have you recently accomplished anything that you are proud of yourself for? Giving away my entire work bonus to my parents. It's 6 figures, and the only reason it was so easy to let the whole cheque go was because the company gave it to me while we were still in talks about my resignation back in October.

They positioned it as 'a way to say thank you for all the hard work [I] did this year' but it honestly came off as a bribe and a guilt trip all-in-one. Knowing I won't be able to give it back without causing drama, I decided to just give it to people who can benefit from it.

Are you still friends with any of your exes? Do you still communicate with any of them at all? No.

What is your opinion on people who shop at Sephora for makeup as opposed to buying makeup from the drugstore? I have never given this a single solitary thought.

Do you live on your own or with your parents/a roommate? Do you think you’d like to live alone? I live with my family because where I'm from, it is damn near impossible for middle class folk like myself to live on their own without saving up for 10-15 years. I would like to live on my own at some point but I am still in the process of building up my savings for that level of commitment.

How often would you say you use Microsoft Word? Never. Microsoft anything is the bane of my existence lol I'd much rather use the Google counterparts!

After doing your laundry do you leave it in your basket for a couple days, then put it away? Leave them out to dry for a day then I fold them immediately after.

When you do a puzzle do you find all the edges first? Yeah, usually.

When you’re in the car and you eat something with a wrapper, do you throw the wrapper out of the window? Never. It's not hard to put trash in your pocket first.

List 5 things that have happened in the last 7 days. (They can be anything at all, anything that’s happened involving you, or your family, friends, partner.)

I had two strangers approach me at H&M asking if the pieces they've picked out would be good gifts. 100% they were last-minute Christmas shopping lol. I've never been talked to especially by strangers for fashion advice but I was happy to help! Haha

Gotten 1 hour into the first LOTR movie like I said I'd do over the holidays. I just stopped because I had to do something else, but I actually really liked the film and plan to continue the rest of the trilogy.

Ate a near-illegal amount of lumpia at my dad's side when we visited for Christmas.

Helped Angela pick out some potential wedding gown pegs, since she'll start her fitting next year.

Bought kwek-kwek and a day-old chick off the side of the road when we were en route to Bulacan. My mom would've never allowed me otherwise but we were told that the Airbnb we were headed toward has no nearby restaurants AT ALL so she made an exception, hah. I'm pretty sure we were ripped off, too, for obviously looking like we were from the city because that kwek-kwek was stupid expensive lmfao

If you found out your ex had a new partner, would you be upset? Not at all but I would also rather not hear any updates about the person whatsoever.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yeah...I'm not proud of it lol but it's happened.

Have you ever had sex on your bedroom floor? How about your living room floor? Yes and yes.

When you kiss someone, do you like to play with their hair? Sure.

Why did you hug the last person you hugged? They're family and I was saying goodbye to them.

Do you regret sleeping with anyone? No.

Did anyone comfort you the last time you cried? What was your reason for crying? No, I usually cry alone. The last time I cried...I think I was just thinking about certain memories from the past. It was tears of both bittersweetness and happiness.

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? A bit disoriented but I got up to speed quickly since I knew I had to start preparing - we needed to leave around 10ish to visit family.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? I say it to my dad but only through text haha we're not a showy family.

Random fact about the person you love/like? error 404 not found