#i need to finish this project so bad but i cant bring myself to write the script for this video
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having to reread all these descriptions of enjolras for research got me drawing fanart again
#les mis#les miserables#enjolras#les mis fanart#my art#the use of red/blue pen was purely coincidental but can you all pretend i did it on purpose#executive dysfunction beating my ass#i need to finish this project so bad but i cant bring myself to write the script for this video#i could never be a youtuber actually
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How much time do you spend planning some of your visual novels? At least going by some of them being jam submissions, it feels like you go from pre-production to a finished build very quickly, and it's amazing how you can manage that while still having an awesome story and so many assets.
Also, what is like, the process of planning a story out for you, if there's any vague or concrete similarities that you've noticed?
i think the important context here is that if i get bored/have nothing to do i jhust immediately get really suicidal its like ridiculous how bad it gets(ITS FINE DONT WORRY ABOUT IT IVE HAD 5 YEARS OF THERAPY). so i hate being bored and want to occupy my time wit something fun whatever that is. if i have a project to focus on but especially if I'm working for a game jam i have a deadline and i just decide to myself okay i will release a game now.
because ive made a decent amount of games i roughly have an idea on my capabilities, i can estimate how long it takes for me to write a story so and so long and how long it takes for me to draw stuff i need and how long it takes for me to throw stuff in renpy. these are estimates like as in I'm not accurate with it but still enough that i generally know where to start cutting ideas since the most important part is just having something to submit. i also know to plan around my brain wanting to slam my head into a wall an my hands suddenly giving up on being able to draw.
i think thats the beauty of game jams it forces you to just go for it and release something. releasing a 'bad' game is better than no game at all. experience only comes over time and i think just going for it is the best approach there is. like its literally 2 weeks 1 month whatever of your life. if you have the time and motivation go for it. make it work or fuck it up it wont matter in the grand scheme of things
im not sure what is the motivation behind the question but i do want to point out that this is just my method (if you can even call it a method) and the only way to figure out what works for you is to just try until you find something that actually works for you
idk not everyone will find it doable/fun to plan around spending two weeks gamedev 10 hours a day just cause i wanted to fit in 100 cgs for a jam game but apparently i can do that when i cheat my stupid adhd brain into hyperfocus with adhd meds
READMORE BECAUSE I CANT STOP RAMBLING
as for planning tho i think ideas on their own are worthless and its always about execution in the end. a great idea or a meh idea are the same for me but i do still enjoy the planning process so i keep notes
like i see a great tumblr post or i see some art or visual novel has some scene that inspires me: i save that shit for myself
having a big collection of random floating ideas like that helps me easily pick from especially during a jam type duration. right now i have like 4-5 half-baked project skeletons, some are literally like 3 pictures and some like naomida are a hundred hours worth of me writing world building about how the toilets work in a city with no plumbing cause its -30celcius(i love bringing this up)=
i dont normally plan that much, i tend to just wing it. like for malmaid i seriously just had some rough ideas and just went along as i wrote
same thing for dddeviance i had a handful of scenes that i really wanted to make and knew what kind of start and end it was meant to have and just figured out how to fill the in between. a lot of plot points changed vastly like halfway through i realised my devil + angel combination was stupid and i should just go for fallen angel + angel.
i think there really is no simple answer tho (as evident from the long as hell post) i don't really have a 'process' because every single game has been worked on has come with different type of planning since I'm always trying new stuff to try and distract me from boredom. like I've been using obsidian for naomida while previously I've just used a empty discord serve as my notes app for malmaid and dddeviance
and tbh with naomida I'm running to a new problem where I'm definitely planning too much. like I'm spending too much time fidgeting with details in chapter 4 even when i haven't finished writing chapter 1 just cause its so easy to get in the loop of "oh ill just change this one line" and boom 20 mins spent playing with my notes that didn't really progress my game since by the time i reach this point the whole scene might have shifted to something else
.
but if i had to squeeze an answer itd be something like everything related to my art or writing or games is just like "oooooo that seems fun i should remember this for later" and then i just string 10-100 of those into a story
i tend to write my stories in a format of
character A does this and that
this happens here
puppy play ryona piss orgasm
new day and then this happens here
sad thing happens
more piss orgasm
the end
and just like start filling in more details and working on my story in a nonlinear fashion until i feel like i have a strong enough skeleton that i can start writing my scenes. i hop around a lot, often preferring to write the fun scenes first like ero stuff or the ones I'm the most interested in and then the rest is just filling the blanks and stringing the cool scenes together
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Trending
Corpse Husband x Animator!Reader (Gender Neutral)
Warnings: None :)
Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)
Summary: When a character in Y/N’s new animated video looks a lot like Corpse’s avatar, people are starting to suspect whether it’s a pure coincidence or sneakily intentional. Corpse is quick to put an end to the debate though.
Requested by Anon. Thank you so much for your request hun! Really sorry for the long wait for the fic to be posted but I still hope you come across it and give it a read and if you do so I hope you enjoy it! Love, Vy ❤
“Hi everyone!“, Rae, aka the creator of today’s lobby, greets us all as we pile in one by one, excited to start the stream.
I am especially excited however because I haven’t participated in a stream in quite a while seeing as how I’ve been very busy with my original content - animations. I made an animation talking about my vacation to Canada over the winter about two years ago. In my defense, it was a long video and I hadn’t posted in so long that I wanted to make it a special comeback - sort of - and something to repay my audience for their patience. I got too carried away in the gaming world and forgot my main field which is animation.
“Hi guys! Missed ya!“ I greet them for myself too, genuinely happy to be back seeing as how it’s been so long since I’ve talked to them or played Among Us with them. Maybe that’s another reason why the animation took so long to be finished: I lose motivation when I’m not social and since I don’t leave my house a lot when I’m working on a project, these guys are usually my only social interaction and without them I turned into a literal bum. “How have you all been? How’s it going?”
“It was barely going, to be honest.“ Corpse says with a huff of laughter.
“Yeah, it was super boring without you! Glad you’re back!“ Poki interferes too, her statement widening my smile.
“Aww thanks guys! I’m glad to be back too, feels like it’s been forever since I last was in this Discord server or in an Among Us lobby.“ I say, throwing a quick glance at my chat to see the excited comments left there by my viewers.
“Oh, and congrats on making it on Trending! I was overjoyed when I saw your video on the Trending tab, you don’t even know.“ Rae gushes, bringing a slight blush to my cheeks - yeah I know, I suck at receiving compliments about my work, I’m working on it though!
To be perfectly honest, that video didn’t deserve to make it to Trending. Hell, the chances of it making there were nonexistent considering my channel’s rather small and has a tight-knit community of about two hundred thousand people only. And I don’t mean that as though it’s a bad thing, I’m just using it to set the scene of how impossible it seemed to me that a video of mine would make it to Trending.
“Um yeah, thank you so much, Rae. Honestly, I need to thank Corpse for that.“ I say, my blush deepening as my cheeks grow even redder. “People thought the character in the animation was him so they had to investigate.“
Yeah, apparently a fan of mine who watched the video recognized the character of my boyfriend as Corpse and immediately took to Twitter to let people know what they’d found and man did it blow up. Anything involving Corpse blows up nowadays but I still owe him a ‘thank you’. One I bet he won’t accept. I know him too well at this point - I know he won’t take any credit for it whatsoever but oh whatever.
“My phone got blown up the day it was posted, holy crap.“ Corpse laughs, “I was so taken aback, in all honesty. I was like: yeah, no shit, Sherlock. - Thought everyone already knew we were dating. Like, the confusion really caught me off guard. I thought we were being obvious.“
Well....I guess that’s one way to reveal a relationship you’ve been keeping secret for months now.
“Thanks, babe. Couldn’t have done that any more originally, I guarantee.“ I sigh, tangling my fingers in the roots of my hair as I feel laughter bubbling up from my stomach to my chest, begging for me to let it out.
“Wait...“, Rae is, unsurprisingly, the one to break the silence that commences on our friends’ part, “WHAT?!“
“Yeah, I second that...“ Poki is quick to follow, “WHAT!?“
Oh here we go....
@maat-the-prescriptive @simonsbluee @save-the-sky @itsminniekat @hacker-ghost @bi-andready-tocry @imtiredaffff @jazzkaurtheglorious @hereforbeebo @fandomgirl17 @chrysanthykios @maehemscorpyus @loraleiix @letsloveimagines @annshit @i-cant-choose-a-username-help @enigmaticmaze @divine-artemis @waterlilypat @idontknowwhatthisisfam @evi-ka @classyandfabulous00 @redperson58 @lilysdaydreams @solowheein @mythicalamphitrite @axen-gers @luckygirl144 @nj01 @buddyemily @the-albino-lioness @stardream14 @gdhdkfnn @nomadicgypsyy @preciousskye @fluffysuicideunicornsworld @o-kaelin @manacharlotte @awkward-youtube-trash @lolalee24 @bonky-beerns @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian @strawbrinkofdeath @teenloves @tams0527 @browneyespinkhair @starstruckllamapuppy @daisychains012 @y0ulooked @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life @jula-pauline @melodykitty @just-that-bi-girl @crazybutconfidentaf @lowellshade @alphakees @bellero @weallneednamjesus @starryhanji @boiled-onionrings @husherstan @fockingwhore @melaningoddessthings @prettypastelpetals @haleypearce @godwhyamiawkward @y-napotat @daisychainyoonmin @little-miss-rebel3 @free-wheelin-bi-sexual @redmoon261 @darkacademic2 @wiseflamingoqueen @into-the-end @namikhai-i @nastiablr @thelittleplantlover @mirktuan @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny @vintagegothlover @easygoingtheatre @itsrandombooklover @miiaivi @emmybaybee @befourgolden @jjk-is-my-shit @eternalteaaars @spacebadgerx @princesslunalight @acequinn14 @samm48 @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa @fo-love @marishimomura-blog @therealglenncoco @cinnamonbun332 @killtherandomness @sanshinexxxsan @fee-btheweeb @press-lay @cathleenpotgieter16 @jazzydoesstuff @moonlxghtbay @forestrain2000 @hyunjinhugs @blood-of-fandoms @lovellylies @ukiyolixx @simpforhpcharacters @chrisdylan17 @parkerjisung @pedernille @theodonyous @wineandionysus @malfoystilinskii05 @morbid-x @coryisagee @jessewa26 @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365 @raeanneinwonderland @indecisive-empanada @gluttonypalace @loriane2503 @btsiguess-kpop @khaoticbunny @lucidlycactus @smiithys @rottenroyalebooks @kpopgirlbtssvt @fangirl-tc27 @fr0z3n-1 @notmesimpingfortechno @shotarosleftpinky @kunoi-chan @idk-whats-wrong-with-me @yikeroonie @goldenstarofthunderclan @poetry-and-tea @ama-do-writing-stuff @wishbonewolf @emeraldxhope @t0xick1tty @kusuinko @speakyourselfloveyourself @sophia902103 @lo-manburg @classsykittykat @dmgama @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee @btsiguess-kpop @akaashi-baby @gun-jong-simp @geschichtenfee @yerapotato-wp @browneyedgirl365 @thysagclub @sparklycloudnight @helloatomicshadow @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal @lucy-bunny17 @aaliyahh0 @katluckybear @boyleanti @straybids @franchesca-791 @cosmicstorm19 @averyisbackinthetrashcan @aomi-nabi @xlanawriter @allensimpsforcorpse @sunnyrae-cessh @ladykxxx08 @meowiemari @renupf @booklover76 @sra-verissimo @beatrhizn @blueberrystigma @beatrhizn @chicken-taco-burrito
#corpse husband#corpse#corpse fluff#corpse fanfic#corpse fic#corpse fanfiction#corpse fandom#corpse x y/n#corpse x you#corpse x reader#corpse husband fanficiton#corpse husband x y/n#corpse husband x reader#corpse husband fanfic#corpse headcanons#corpse imagines#corpse imagine#corpse headcanon#corpse husband imagine#fic#fanfic#fanfiction#fandom#request#x reader#reader
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heyyyy, quick question
how long does it usually take for you to write and how do you stay motivated? i have a pretty good series but i only have two chapters up.
people are really excited to read but i cant bring myself to write and i feel like i’m disappointing them. it usually takes me two days to get 5k words cooked up but lately i just CANT WRITE.
i’m such a bad content creator, i admire people like you who can post everyday dnaknsns
heyyy!!!
okay so first thing, i do NOT post everyday LMAO, as a matter of fact recently i haven’t been posting much— i was lucky enough to get an armin fic out yesterday but before that it had been a couple weeks since i posted anything!
it really varies tbh— how long it takes me to write. it could be anywhere from 1 day (high off fo you i believe), to 1 1/2 months (blame it on the whiskey)
it just depends, and usually it’ll take me longer when i get to a block or notice an ick in my writing, then i’ll just drop the project for a while cause i’m not feeling it and i’ll hop into it when i want to. when i’m more motivated on a project i’ll get to it faster, and when everything is flowing how i want it to i don’t wanna disrupt the flow and finish it throughout a day.
to stay motivated? you won’t stay motivated ALL the time, so get that out of your head lol, what can help you be motivated though?
i like to surround myself with things that remind me of my project, for example, karma was about fuckboy!eren x reader, and it was a f2l, slowww, passionate type of thing
so hypothetically speaking i would listen to songs that remind me of karma, karma by summer walker on repeat, songs that might remind of a fboy eren, read fboy eren fics, spend time just thinking about the plot/cute scenes i want to write in
indulging in your story eventually gives you this itch to bring it to life, at least for me— its kind of like, damn i wanna write this and the only way for me to write it IS to write it, so i end up doing just that, that’s what motivates me
doing writing warms up helps too, write a 500 word drabble, then 800, just get your hands working and back in the groove, and work on other projects while your other one is baking!!! (thats what im doing rn), don’t let one uncompleted project stop you from writing others
you’re not a bad content creator for not getting stuff done, we all have our days and we all work at different paces— sometimes i look at my moot mika and wonder how she gets shit done every 2 business days, and then theres people like my moot miek who posts every 3 years, it all varies, you’re writing to have fun not for other people! if they enjoy your work they’ll stick around until you post it, so you take a break if you need it, work on some other shit, and hop back in it when you will :)
i’m pretty eager to write my fic karma, and knowing me when i do release the first chapter, i’ll release chapters in close proximity for the first week then it’ll take me a week or two to release chapters because that’s simply me. don’t set your stakes too high and work how you want to, writing is a hobby not a chore.
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i dont know how to explain what i feel or think , when i try to put it in to words i just feel empty , my mind goes blank. lets see how long it takes me to figure out a way to describe my mind , body and soul.
1:27pm it feels like theres a hole in me. maybe its in my heart or maybe in my head or maybe in my soul. im not sure but its there. and no matter how much i try to fill it with the things i love , its like
1:43pm its like when you try to use a paper towel to clean up a water spill. the paper towel will cover the mistake but the mistake will eventually soak up the paper towel and the paper towel will fall apart. then you have to throw it away.
2:07pm i
3:22pm i feel drained , too. and theres no reason for it , i havent done anything to tire me out. but it makes me feel lazy , boring ,
3:59pm then even more tired because feeling drains even more out of me but fuck i couldnt even tell you why i was drained in the first place
5:01pm i wish i was drained of blood instead. i cant remember a single day in the past 6 years that i havent been suicidal. nothing is enough to make me want to stay alive and grow older and do things with my life
6:00pm sometimes thinking about things id like to do in the future gets me excited and i talk about it with a few people and it makes me feel a little better but then it crashes. eventually it crashes. it always crashes. i cant feel hopeful because it never lasts. i want to feel hopeful but where are the endorphins when u need them
9pm i fell asleep on accident and i feel more tired and sad than before. i hate sleeping because i always wake up feeling the same ; like i dont want to get out of bed , like theres an elephant sat on my shoulders that just refuses to let me get up. it hurts. every part of my mind, body and soul wants me to stay where i am and not do anything ever again. but i just
9:06pm i want to be a normal, happy person that has goals for the future that they actually work hard on achieving.
11:45pm i have to let my teachers know tomorrow why i havent finished filming my last couple of scenes for our project. why? cause i dont feel like getting up and doing it. the thought of having to record myself makes me cry and that isnt an exaggeration. i think about every single imperfection , gender dysphoria , mistake , any and everything i’ll dislike about the recording and myself in general and i cant bring myself to do it and i hope my teachers understand. its not like when i use snapchat or any other social media to take photos or videos because now i cant pick all my best angles and filters and edit them. they have to be raw, from all sorts of angles that make me hate myself more than ever. i hate it and i was meant to finish recording on Thursday and it’s now Sunday.
2:28am i have been crying for who knows how long and i want to cry so much more but im empty of tears and i think im gonna start writing every thing i do that may be a sign of certain mental health diagnosis because im convinced i have so much and thats so ridiculous but it might be the anxiety that i probably have but havent been diagnosed with because i havent seen a professional because im too scared to and i hate talking about my feelings
4:01am i have an online college call in 5 hours so do i sleep? do i play something on my phone to keep me up? do i
7:32am we know which option i went for but im gonna take a nap which im actually scared to take cause im gonna wake up bad again but a woman crawling on all fours might jump out at me if i look at my bedroom floor any longer.
#sad#tired#feelings#thoughts#sad quotes#mind#body#soul#mindbodysoul#relate#depressed#depressing post#depressing shit
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Today was a pretty excellent day. Busy but excellent. I feel pretty good right now. Just feeling nice.
I had trouble falling asleep last night again. Not surprised. I wish I had gotten more sleep. But even though I was tired this morning I was in a good mood. I liked my outfit. I felt good. I still want to figure out different things to do with my hair, because wearing it down just feels bad. But whatever.
I gave James hugs before I headed out for the day. I listened to music and had a nice ride into work. I had a good time today. I didnt nap but I did listen to a really good podcast and I got some set up done. I also spent like an hour and a half lesson planning in my brand new notebook. I am really going to try to actually work in this notebook. It makes me feel good to write things down and draw things and I think losing that has made me feel worse.
And the kids did good art today. I had one of the groups from yesterday come back, and I had the horse camp come down to make art too. I got to have some funny conversations about that. About Dnd and youtube music. We listened to some comedy songs. And it was just fun. I had some funny moments picking up the smallest campers and putting them in the hammocks. Lots of giggles.
I need to do more cleaning. Tomorrow I really hope they dont put me with a group because the art building is a little bit of a mess. like its organized but every shelf is a disaster. So at least its localized?
But I have a feeling Im going to be thrown in with a group. I may have to tell them I cant. At leat for the afternoon. Like I can chill with them in the morning if I can have my one class and clean and prep in the afternoon. Well see. I want to stand up for myself but I also want to be helpful. So gotta figure out compromise.
I had a nice day though. I enjoyed my lunch. I felt cute. Cj brought the mini horses over for me to pet. I thought about swimming but instead I read my book for a while. It was a nice break.
We had lots of conversations about covid and college. Because a lot of the counselors are going to start moving into dorms soon. Which is wild!!! They have to get tested before they can move in so we were all talking about that. I just want them to be safe. Its so scary. Esspecially like the ones who are going across the country? All I can think is someones going to get it, its going to close the school, and dorm kids will have to fly home, probably bringing it with them, which will cause more spikes and its just going to be a mess.
We finished up the day. I talked to Heather about plans for projects. And the ideas I think would be a good time. I want to do something with the Cottingley Fairies and instax film. I think they would have a fun time doing that and getting a picture out of it.
But the day was done and I was ready to head out. I went and grabbed the mail that came in for me and I drove home. I found a mirror in the trash. And I made nachos for dinner.
I did a little sewing. I cleaned for a bit. I played animal crossing. And now I am going to take a shower and hopefully get some rest.
I hope you all sleep well and easy tonight. Take care of eachother. Goodnight.
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Responding to the Alt-Right playbook, part 1
Disclaimer: I wrote this after seeing the first four minutes of the video. While watching the rest I noticed a few things I bring up are addressed later, though in such a way as to lead to even more questions. Still, I think most of it stands, and it’s still useful as a kind of stream of consciousness response, so I’ll leave it untouched.
Sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when I just finished reading my newspaper, I will enjoy myself with a few infuriating youtube videos. Lately I’ve been quite disillusioned by the part of youtube calling itself liberal spouting nationalist propaganda at my beloved European project, so I’ve switched to some corners of the website which are friendlier to my blood pressure. That’s how I came across a video called "The Alt-Right Playbook: The Card Says Moops��� by Innuendo Studios. Apparently he is somewhat of a big deal with his 150k plus subscribers, though I never heard of him. Just two minutes into the video though I knew I was going to write this response. While it didn’t make me angry the way I might have been in the past, there’s just so much wrong here, I cant bottle this up any longer.
Say, for the sake of argument, you’re online blogging about a black journalists’ commentary on marketing trends in video games, movies and comic books and you’re saying how the vitriol in response to her fairly benign opinions reveals the deep seated racism and misogyny in a number of fan communities, most especially those that lean right,...
Quite an unlikely scenario since I’m not in the business of assuming ones leanings on race, gender or politics based on their opinions on movies, games or comic books, but let’s roll with it I guess.
...When a right leaning commenter pops in to say: “Or maybe they just actually disagree with her about marketing trends! For Christs sake, there’s no mystery here. People aren’t speaking in coded language. They are telling you wat they believe. She had a bad opinion. Why do you have to make it bigger than that? Why can’t you ever take people at their word?”
Here’s where I feel validated in making this response, because while I don’t consider myself right leaning, as hard as that might be to believe for some, this is exactly the kind of response I might have given. So props to Innuendo Studios for accurately portraying an argument of one of his opponents. Unfortunately he then continues:
You pause and ponder this for a moment. Hmmm. Uh heck with it! You’re in a discoursing mood. Let’s do this! Mister conservative, in order for me to take you at your word your words would have to show some consistency. Let me just lightning-round a few questions about the reactionary web’s positions on marketing trends.
The first major problem should be obvious to anyone right about now. How is anyone supposed to answer for the “reactionary web”? Hell, I don’t even know what that’s supposed to be. The caricature in the video wears a 4chan logo on its chest, so maybe he’s referring to the /pol/ imageboard. Well, I don’t hang out there, and I’m pretty sure most of the people who would have been critical of that opinion piece don’t either. Therefore I feel justified in ignoring that particular remark and just give my own answers to these questions. After all: the people on /pol/ are clearly not the only ones he’s talking to at this point.
Do you believe that having the option to romance same sex characters in an rpg turns the game into queer propaganda...
No. On a side note though: the video at this point shows an image of the game Mass Effect. I remember when that game came out there was some controversy over the game showing sex scenes between the characters. Remember that this was but a few years sine the GTA hot coffee mod upheaval, so people where a bit more sensitive about such things. But never have I heard anyone complain about the same sex romance options. I can imagine there were a few disapproving voices but I never came across them, even though I followed the launch very closely at the time.
...or do you believe that killing strippers in an action game can’t be sexist because no one’s making you do it?
I believe it can be sexist, but I never seen an example of it actually being sexist. Not because no one makes you do it, though. It’s because the amount of strippers killed in video games pales in comparison to the amount of other people killed. I’m willing to bet that video games depict more men being killed by women than the other way around, with the vast majority being male on male killings. The fact that there’s one or two games where a man has the option to kill some female sex workers hardly seems significant in that light.
Do you believe that the pervasiveness of sexualised young women in pop culture is just there because it sells and that’s capitalism and we all need to deal with it...
Yes, for the most part. I guess one can add a few nuances here and there, but that about covers the gist of it.
...or do yo believe that a franchise has an obligation to cater to its core audience even if diversifying beyond that audience is more profitable?
Ooh boy, where do I start? Okay, first of all: those two are not mutually exclusive. I know there is this pervasive idea in some parts of western culture that people can only identify with others of the same sex, race and/or cultural background, but that’s just not true. As such it’s perfectly possible to be both diverse and give your core audience what they want. Criticism of a failure to do the second does not automatically translate to criticism of succeeding at the first. Where the two usually meet is when creators use the first as an excuse to take away from the second, either because of their own incompetence or their disinterest in the franchise they are working on.
Which brings us to our second point: while diversity does not have to hurt a franchise, too often creators are too lazy to put effort in making sure it doesn’t because they haven’t got their priorities straight. They think that covering their bases in terms of diversity is the most important thing and everything else is an afterthought. The movie Star Wars: The Last Jedi, who’s cast is partly depicted in the video at this point, is actually a perfect example of this. No one thought Finn and Rose were such interesting characters that audiences wanted to see an entire subplot devoted exclusively to them. They were clearly there just to tick some boxes, not because of a creative spark that led an artist to lovingly craft these characters. The result was perhaps the most universally despised part of the movie, at least among hardcore fans. And yeah, they do deserve a bit more consideration than any other demographic, don’t you think? They are the ones who made this into a franchise to begin with. Without them this movie wouldn’t even have been made.
Lastly: there is a reason the saying “get woke, go broke” exists. If Rose was just there to appeal to Asian markets that would be one thing. I do think there’s something to the idea that putting characters of the same race as the target audience in your movie makes them easier to market. The thing is though: it didn’t work! The movie bombed in China, and I think that’s also because of the messages the creators were trying to send. To take a timeless hero’s journey narrative like Star Wars and try to insert current events and political messages in it just can’t end well. Yet, the creators persisted, and this is reflective of a lot of the culture behind those narratives. When a political message becomes the driving force behind the creative process it’s almost certain to produce sub par results. A creator has to be extremely talented to pull this off, and lets face it: most aren’t up to the task. Instead the art devolves into soulless political propaganda, and this is what stings people who love the franchise so much. Me personally, I am a big fan of making the political personal when you want to convey a political message. We can identify with personal struggles much more than with abstract political ideas. So characters should always be the focus, even if you want to make a statement.
Do you think words are inherently harmless and only oversensitive snowflakes would care about racialised language...
Words? Yes. The ideas expressed by those words? No. That’s why intention is so important to me, and the “oversensitive snowflakes” who focus on just the words are so not helping the debate in my opinion.
...or do you think it’s racist if someone calls you mayonaise boy?
Probably, yes. Though I can’t think of any reason why someone would call me that, other than to insult me by way of my race. On the other hand, I do really like mayonaise...
And as long as I’ve got your ear: are you the party that believes in the right to keep and bear arms because you’re distrustful of all authority and what if we need to overthrow the government some day...
No, no and no. I am not a party, nor am I affiliated with any party that espouses those kinds of opinions on the possession of arms. I personally do not believe in the right to bear arms, though I’m not especially passionate about it one way or the other. I guess being Dutch means I'm not really caught up in any debate surrounding arms, since it’s a bit of a non-issue here. Also: while I think authority should always be scrutinised, I wouldn’t characterise this as distrust.
...or do you believe that cops are civil servants and we should trust their account of events whenever they shoot a black man for looking like he might have a gun.
Well, aren’t cops civil servants? I seem to remember so. Anyway, I don’t think “looking like they might have a gun” is ever a good excuse to shoot anyone, so there you have it. Do keep in mind that we send cops out on the street partly to use force in neutralising dangerous individuals, so we shouldn’t be surprised when that gets out of hand sometimes. But honestly, I am not well informed enough on this topic to know how much trust to put in any side of this issue. I think looking at this on a case by case basis is the only thing we can do.
Does optional content reveal a game’s ideology, or doesn’t it?
Not necessarily, no
Is capitalism a defence for decisions you don’t agree with, or isn’t it?
That’s a rather broad statement. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. It depends on what you are trying to defend.
Is language harmful, or not?
If you use it to promote harmful ideas, then yes.
Do you hate authority, or love cops and the troops?
Neither, really. I don’t hate authority just for being authority, and if anything soldiers and cops invoke pity in me. I guess that comes from growing up with a PTSD ridden veteran for a father.
Well, that’s the end of the questions. One might think I wasted a lot of time going through that, because shortly afterwards he goes on to say:
Now, I know the right is not a monolith and maybe these arguments are contradictory because they’re coming from different people.
Gee, you think? However, what then follows is an excuse to lump al these people together anyway.
We’ll call them Engelbert and Charlemagne. Maybe Engelbert’s the one who thinks any institution funded by tax money is socialist and therefore bad, and Charlemagne’s the one who says we should dump even more tax money into the military and thinking otherwise is unamerican.
I happen to hold neither of those opinions. Yes, it is actually possible to completely stand behind the hypothetical statement you made in the beginning of the video, and not subscribe to typical right wing convictions like that. But I know that there are people who do, so let’s see where his is going.
But here’s the thing: y’all have have very fundamentally different beliefs and you’re so passionate bout them that you’re entering search terms into twitter to find people you don’t even follow and aggressively disagree with them...
That’s quite a lot of assumptions there mate. I don’t think this is even a remotely fair representation of your opposition. Certainly not true for me. I don’t even have a twitter account (no, I wasn’t kicked off. I never had an account there to begin with), let alone do I ever browse that website. Putting that aside though, how do you know if there’s anyone who actually does this? People can retweet things after all; maybe that’s how they find the contentious twitter users. I found your video because youtube recommended it, and I clicked on it because the title intrigued me. I didn’t set out to look for things to disagree with, despite my quips at the beginning of this piece.
...and yet you’re always yelling at me, and never yelling at each other.
Certainly not true either. I've had quite a few online arguments with alt-righters, who in my opinion differ from actual Nazi’s in only slight and insignificant ways, and fervent nationalists. Of course that’s never going to garner the kind of attention as when Sargon of Akkad sends a mean tweet to a female politician. Speaking of Carl, his vicious disagreement with the alt-right is well documented, and their hatred for him caused quite a few equally vicious attacks against him and his family. But I don’t blame you for not knowing that. The majority of both of their vitriol is still directed at the extreme left, and why shouldn’t it? I don’t think there is an extremist position so pervasive in the western media these days. Again: there is no alt-right equivalent of Star Wars: the Last Jedi, because none of those people work in Hollywood, or anywhere else of note (with the possible and unfortunate exception of the white house).
...and I can’t say how often it happens, but I know if I let Engelbert go on long enough he sometimes makes a Charlemagne argument and vise versa.
Either you’re saying that both of them contradict themselves while framing it in quite an unnecessarily suggestive way, or you’re displaying a rather tribalist mindset in which worldviews can never overlap. Either way, I don’t think the following statement is justified...
See, I don’t take you at your word because I cannot form a coherent worldview out of the things you say.
The fault might lie with you in this case I’m afraid. The reason I went over those questions in the beginning is to show that it is perfectly possible to have consistent views on all of those issues and still be counted among those who would oppose you on this one. I don’t think you really know who it is that you’re projecting all this on. You think my worldview has to have inconsistencies if I disagree with you on the nature of the discourse surrounding popular media, but you’ve yet to correctly identify any. I think the saying “truth resists simplicity” is one you should tale to heart a lot more. Case in point:
Why are you so capable of respecting disagreement between each other yet so incapable of respecting me, or, for that matter, a black woman.
While that may seem like a coherent statement at a first glance, it actually betrays an incredibly simplistic way of looking at things. You see, you’re comparing three entirely different things one can respect: the fact of genuine disagreement between two parties, you, an individual person, and any given black woman, that is: a demographic. The first has to be respected, otherwise discourse is impossible. Though it must be said that me and the alt-right probably have very little respect for each others motivations, but unlike you the alt-right doesn’t ever really ask for my respect. The second deserves respect only when earned, and the third deserves neither respect nor disparagement, because it’s an incredibly varied group of people, some of whom deserve respect and some of whom don’t.
It kinda seems like you’re playing games and I’m the opposing team, and anyone who’s against me is your ally...
That entirely depends on what we’re talking about, doesn’t it? If we’re talking about diversity in media and the issues surrounding it, I will find myself on one side of the board surrounded by people I would usually disagree with, and you would find yourself on the other side, presumably only surrounded by people who agree with you one hundred percent of the time. It seems you think it a bad thing that people can temporarily overcome their differences when faced with a common problem. That’s why some call you radical: you cannot ally with anyone who isn’t in complete lockstep with you, because they are not pure enough in their conviction. But that’s what fracturing societies are made of, so if you don’t mind I’ll stick to my methods. If that leaves you outnumbered on your side of the board it’s because you chose to champion a very unpopular opinion, and I can’t help that.
...and you’re not really taking a position, but claiming to believe in whatever would need to be true in order to score points against me.
If I did that then why even bother engaging with me? Clearly I don’t actually believe anything I say, so there’s no need to convince me otherwise. Are you sure it’s me who is supposed to have contradictory opinions? But in all seriousness, I don’t see why I would ever adopt such a strategy unless I’m either just a troll or addicted to arguments, and hey: there are people like that, but they don’t represent your entire political opposition. Get a grip.
After that we get the title drop, which, I have to admit, was really clever and amusing. I never watched Seinfeld, but maybe I should. Anyway, my free Saturday is passing me by like a speeding train, so I will continue this later.... maybe.
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for the writer asks: 4, 22-26!
holy SHIT i COMPLETELY forgot about those but thank you so much!!
4. Do you have writing habits or rituals?
my thing is that generally i don’t start writing until 6pm for warm-up/roleplay stuff and until 1am for book stuff. sometimes i dabble a lil bit beforehand but it’s like a loose schedule i have to really dedicate my attention on something
i also always have tumblr open haha my process is literally: [refreshes dash][types a paragraph][refreshes dash][writes two sentences of dialogue][refreshes dash][getsREALLYINTOITANDFINISHESSCENE][refreshes dash and scrolls through as a reward]
i also just have a lot of rly specific orders of doing things when it comes to writing for my rp group like i tend to cycle through my characters in a certain order because that keeps me focused and organized and the more organized i am the more productive i can actually be with my work ehe
22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?
when it comes to books UMMM two... i spend a lot of time on the first draft so i can’t imagine even needing or wanting a second, really. the second draft is more to edit evreything and refine things but, again, since i (unfortunately) do that a lot during the first draft, it’s not much! but that’s what makes it so fun hehe
my scripts tho, ah.. i have one finished and the other nearly finished so, judging on the process it took to do those, generally at least three. and that’s because the first draft is literally me just vomiting out dialogue without any sort of prose, no narration, little to no stage directions, nothing. the second draft is when i make it all fancy, and any other drafts after are just part of that process in making it fancy
(like the completely finished script had 4 drafts and the third and fourth draft only differ because one is written in a more, uh... tumblr? way? and the other is in a more ‘proper’ script format)
23. Single or multi POV, and why?
depends on the story! out of my three main books rn i have two that are single and one that is multi and that’s all based on the cast of characters. the multi one has about 5 characters that i rly wanna focus on (maybe more!) while the single ones have two protags and one’s point of view is dedicated to describing the second. they’re both equally fun for me... (multi is RLY exciting tho)
24. Poetry or prose, and why?
proseproseproseproseprose.
i mean, i get told a lot that my prose is VERY poetic and that’s nice so there’s that. um i can’t get into poetry, i feel like there’s this structure behind poetry that is ENTIRELY imagined, like, i dont think it applies to anybody else but me, but i can’t make myself fit into whatever box i assume you need to make to make a poem a POEM so it’s not a comfy fit for me. the closest thing to poetry i write is just lil snippets for my suggestion blogs and even then that’s literally me taking one line or a few lines of my prose and handing it out
25. Linear or non-linear, and why?
I LOVE NON-LINEAR... it is very VERY hard for me to make a story that doesn’t, at some point, devolve into some sort of non-linear fashion because... it’s more fun... i rly like that quote about emotional logic i saw before. to me, there’s a very specific journey i want the character and the reader to go on and sometimes you can’t get there by going from beginning to end
i think it also just reflects the psych far more than a linear story does. human beings are CONSTANTLY ruminating over the past, learning from their mistakes, recovering from what’s happened to them... a lot of my stories are very heavily based on what trauma has happened to so-and-so character and how they cope with it so to me it’s necessary to literally go back and show what happened, because, to the character, it’s still happening and they’re still processing it and you don’t get that effect if i just start from the bad thing and go on. i think it’s far more immersive if the character exists as they are, acts as they would, and suddenly you’re brought back to know why, and by the time you’re in the present again, you understand about the character, and the character (the way i do it) has finally passed a hurdle that will put them ahead, and bring the reader with them into the future...!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa i love writing
26. Standalone or series, and why?
STANDALONE... i love that fuzzy-headed feeling when you finish one (1) good book and you put it down and it’s final. DONE. not to say that a series doesn’t have that same effect (um my poor ruined ass after reading the series i’ve read this past year) but i just love the idea of having something so compact and so precise and so confined in its one lil area of existing.
it’s also just... that a series requires a LOT of content!!!! i don’t like writing fluff haha i struggle with it a lot, i am VERY to the point so sometimes i just don’t even have enough material to make it to a series.
actually, a lot of it is because my characters are VERY focused on what’s happening to them, like. i tend to write emotional-driven stories, so maybe??? four MAJOR things happen, that’s four chapters, but then each chapter has like ten of the emotional fall out, the relationships and the way they break or form, the reactions to everything that’s happening. my one series has plot point after plot point happening but i still GOTTA write that reaction so... that’d either make for a VERY long book or i had to make it a series lol
also i just. this is more for me with movies but i don’t like sequels lol i have one story to tell and once that story is told it’s done. sometimes i entertain the thought of having a sequel to tsg but. i cant imagine ever writing it. my characters start at point A, they end at point B, there will never ever be a point C that will be as important for them to start another journey because that was IT. IT’S DONE.
I REFUSE TO SCROLL UP TO READ MORE SORRY FOR THE TEXT WALL BUT THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS
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DD2000 - Research blog for a path into industry
Portfolios and their importance
Now before we even get to the building up to our chosen job and how we get there we have to talk about arguably the first and most important step when going into any industry, a good portfolio.
A portfolio in definition is according to many sources such as google, the oxford dictionaries and the free dictionary
a set of pieces of creative work intended to demonstrate a person's ability to a potential employer.
Example: "she had a portfolio of crayon portraits"
now reading the definition you should get an idea as to why a portfolio is quite the important tool in any industry but allow me to elaborate, a portfolio usually contains all of your best and well presented work that you wish to show off to a future employer in the hopes that it will impress them enough to consider you for the role available and hire you into it.
Even if that doesnt happen they are important tools for ensuring people dont soon forget you, if its good enough your employer might talk to his co-workers about it and the work that was in it, might recommend you to other companies and give you an easy-ish way into the industry, not only that but if its up online somewhere it can allow none industry people to view it and get invested in the work you do, get invested in your ideas and anything to do with them and begin to support you and want more of your work which is hard to ignore from people in the industry.
But an important part of a portfolio is to make sure it fits the job role, its nice that its all neatly presented and stunning work but if your going for a modelling job and bring in cool doodles of swords instead they will more than likely enjoy them but dont cross your fingers for the job or even being well remembered in a good way.
Now lets take that Modeling job as an example, if your looking into that job there are some things that would work well in your Porfolio
What to include generally
Some well constructed and unique models to show your skill, talent and creativity. Make sure to have beauty shots (Three angles) a Uv render (Shows off the uv maps of the models showing you do know how to Map and texture) and a wireframe
some more bland models that everyone has but it shows you can model things of this type, guns, corridors things like that
all of the work should be finished and if not it should be a w.i.p showing of how the model developed or something you are working on recently and wish to say “this is my latest project”
Portfolio : About myself
Every portfolio for every job must be different and suited for the job role your looking to invest into. Now my portfolio will have me looking into narrative design so there are some things i do need to include when constructing mine and things i need to look out for
What i should include
Well written stories of varying length and style as well as on different matters and subjects to give a quick look at the range i can write at and my ability with different styles and topics
Character development if possible, Original character, fan characters and things like that, let people in the industry see the work and love put into them and how you created them from the ground up, even include the most trivial detail if needed it will show how i think about even the smallest things for characters and bring them to life
Same applies for world building, show worlds you crated and the living breathing atmosphere they have, show off head canons and theories about already made worlds if you wish
Show dialogue and scripts made, this includes roleplaying and back and forth between characters of your own and friends
Work done that is not narrative directly but does still link to it
Any writing done for games, this includes small projects and twine games
Now what have i done to go towards this portfolio as of writing this?
I have written many short stories and poems some better than others i cannot lie however i tend to struggle sometimes with motivation in writing longer tales if they are not split into parts either via working time or as part 1, part 2 etc, 3 twine games which could be improved but stand at a decent enough quality and i do intend to create more, have an entire blog built for role playing (character creation and building, dialogue, world building) this is where i let alot of my ideas roam free as well as some of my more out there character traits, this character has spawned off into his own story and world view from a character that had nothing to start with, he has spawned countless side characters and alternate realities surrounding him and all of them have their own stories and worlds not to mention many pieces of college work.
All of these very important in the portfolio especially for the job role im looking to enter.
General Examples of both good and bad portfolio's
Networking
Networking is in short terms the connections you make with people be them big or small, it forms a web coming from you of connections you made. If you meet David and David knows Susan but you dont know Susan, she is still now in your web of networking due to knowing David.
Networking is important to the industry at it is a key way to get into the industry and get yourself known to people, without the links to people it would be almost impossible to get a way into the industry without directly going up to someone and asking for a job or applying yourself.
Networking can also offer unexpected help from people inside the industry through simply talking to them.
But how can networking help my career path into a narrative games career?
More importantly what kinds of networking could help my cause?
Well the obvious one to start off in narrative would be social media, its a great place to store and write small stories or tales and build character/worlds. It is also perfect for getting your small tales out to a large audience of people very quickly.
Take tumblr for example, its blogging allows for quick short stories or grand giant multi-post tales to be re-blogged , twitter is also a good example here as many industry insiders use twitter and could be a great way to share your narrative ideas and work with them to get feedback and make yourself known to them
It is also a prime location to show off portfolio w.i.p work and gain interest in what else is inside your portfolio both from regular people and industry insiders which could lead to job offers or simply having you in mind when a place does come up
Another prime example would be Game conventions, they allow for examination of upcoming games as well as series of games with over arching stories as well as the idea of communication with industry insiders as well as games media about games and your general idea. It could also provide you with skills and much needed tips if your willing to buy some people a beer. Game designers are just people like you and me so most of them have no issue sitting down to talking.
There are a few that take place here in the UK :
EGX - EGX is a British made Gaming Convention sponsored by Virgin media and s currently set to take place in the Birmingham NEC arena on the 21st -24th of September
Play Expo - Play Expo is a British games convention set in Manchester England at event city.
There is one that comes to mind and does take place in the US
Ludem Dare - Ludem Dare is a game jam hosted this year in San Francisco that gives people a theme and 24/48 hours to create a game, this allows people in the industry to see how people work under a tight deadline and the quality of games they can create with minimal information. It also allows for the people involved to brush up on their skills or develop new ones.
Well i say one but you cant talk US and game gatherings without mentioning
E3 - E3 is a yearly multi company convention in which the biggest games are shown and revealed and many of the gaming industries top professionals visit to give their games that needed star power, a place like this is perfect to ask questions, build connections and show off work you had done in hopes of making an impression
One important thing to know about networking overall however is that you should never be afraid to talk to someone or ask questions to them, they are not some untouchable idol who will simply scoff at you, they are infact just as human as you are and i imagine they they have trouble talking to a person from time to time. Plus there is only things to gain instead of things to lose
The Ideal Work Place/Key Companies In My Field
When it comes to an ideal work place that generally comes down to preference, some might want to work for Bethesda, maybe you want to work for EA but this is in general terms which company would be the best suited for the field i would like to enter
The first company that instantly jumps put for narrative focused games would be tell tale who have generally been known to create heavily emotional narrative focused point and click/episodic games based on existing IP’s such as The walking dead, borderlands and game of thrones
https://telltale.com/ - 4000 Civic Center Dr, San Rafael, CA 94903, USA
https://telltale.com/jobs/
As of this moment in time they are only looking for a senior writer in the job field i wish however that doesnt mean i cant apply for another job they are in need of to work my way into a writing position for example they are always looking for q/a testers so using that i can wiggle into a narrative design or writer role by suggesting things that could improve the story experience or helping with the writing of scripts and dialogue.
An issue with telltale however is it is hard to single out a game from their library as more narrative focused or important than any other, walking dead offers a dark saddening take on the world where every option and choice you make will have an impact later. This is in stark contrast to say tales from the borderlands which yes does have a similar choices matter mentality however the story in that game is less serious and grim and more light hearted and lovely.
With tell-tale they cover so much ground in their narrative focused games its hard to single one of them out alone
Not a company that comes to mind when thinking of narrative but one that i would enjoy a job at would be gearbox, they are mainly known for creating the borderlands franchise and as of now are in the process of making the third game . Their narratives tend to be somewhat serious but have a lighthearted tone to them with alot of dirty humor.
Borderlands and its sequels probably are the most notable games they have created and do narrative in an inventive way in that it is both serious yet not at all serious at the same time i mean....the planet your on is in grave danger from a tyrant hell bent on wiping life as you know it off the planet with an alien doom weapon, but at the same time the villian mocks you with such childish insults and sarcastic nonsense its hard to take it seriously, even more so with some of the side missions like “shot this guy in the faace” which is exactly as it sounds.
http://www.gearboxsoftware.com/ - 5757 Main St, Frisco, TX 75034, USA
http://www.gearboxsoftware.com/careers/
Gearbox software have an odd internship program that allows people of all skill levels to join and it is called the cogs program, in their own words the cogs program is
“The COGS program at Gearbox Software is designed for future game developers to get a chance to start their careers by becoming embedded with the veteran, professional developers at our world-class video game development studio and actually contribute to a commercial video game project. It’s the real deal. This is the foot in the door. This is the chance to prove yourself.
The COGS program differs from a traditional internship because Gearbox Software will actually pay you during your time at the studio. What?! Did you read that right?! Yes, we’re going to pay you to prove yourself. We must be nuts.But forget about us being nuts for a minute – the COGS program is as real as Clap Trap’s malfunctioning artificial personality.
COGS stands for Contractors of Gearbox Software – you will get a contract and it will say that you have become an actual, official, paid professional inside the studio that is home of Borderlands, Duke Nukem, Brothers in Arms, Homeworld, Battleborn, and Randy Pitchford’s flamboyant shirts. The contract terms can be for as little as three months or as long as a year, depending on the timing and the role. During that time you’ll get free soda. Also during that time you’ll contribute to a real commercial product at our AAA development studio earning valuable experience and credit that will not merely be rewarding and insanely gratifying, but will also set-you-up to be very valuable and sought after by the industry. And there’s free snacks to wash down with the soda. Did I already mention the soda? It’s a cool deal.”
quote directly from here
This is all to simply prove if you deserve a job or not
Key people in my field
http://www.evanskolnick.com/games
His portfolio is rather well put together and lists all of his skills and accomplishments as well as any and all of the projects he has worked on it also seems to show his wide range of work as he has taken part in narrative roles on project such as mafia 3 which is full of gore and racial angles and tension to the kid friendly hi-jinks filled over the hedge game and movie.
This is a portfolio i should keep an eye on and learn from
https://twitter.com/evanskolnick?lang=en
Evan Skolnick is an american born writer who has previous worked on marvel comics as a lead writer and now has jumped into narrative video game design, his most recent project/job being the walking dead : a new frontier by telltale which makes him a key player not only in my field but a company based solely around the field i wish to work in
has a book out called : video game story telling, what every developer needs to know about narrative techniques
the description of the book and what it may offer
“With increasingly sophisticated video games being consumed by an enthusiastic and expanding audience, the pressure is on game developers like never before to deliver exciting stories and engaging characters. With Video Game Storytelling, game writer and producer Evan Skolnick provides a comprehensive yet easy-to-follow guide to storytelling basics and how they can be applied at every stage of the development process—by all members of the team. This clear, concise reference pairs relevant examples from top games and other media with a breakdown of the key roles in game development, showing how a team’s shared understanding and application of core storytelling principles can deepen the player experience. Understanding story and why it matters is no longer just for writers or narrative designers. From team leadership to game design and beyond, Skolnick reveals how each member of the development team can do his or her part to help produce gripping, truly memorable narratives that will enhance gameplay and bring today’s savvy gamers back time and time again.“
Edwin McRae isnt noteworthy due to the work he has done, though he has worked on many smaller titles and mobile games as a narrative designer and world builder. He is more notable due to his constant advice and tutorials on how to become a better narrative designer and how to build a living breathing world from scratch
He too like Evan has a book or two to be purchased and read which can be found here : https://www.edmcrae.com/books-and-comics.cfm
Another good narrative designer to take a look at would be Daniel Dick, he describes himself as follows
“ I'm a Narrative Director & Writer with over 15 years of industry experience creating, building, and implementing successful narratives (including multiple AAA titles). I also recently designed a narrative design and game writing course for the University of British Columbia's Creative Writing Program.”
Some notable projects he has worked on include
★ DEUS EX: MANKIND DIVIDED Narrative Director Eidos Montreal ★ HOMEWORLD: DESERTS OF KHARAK Narrative Director BBI / Gearbox ★ SPEC-OPS Lead Narrative Designer & Writer Rockstar Vancouver ★ BULLY Narrative Designer & Writer Rockstar Vancouver ★ SOCOM: TACTICAL STRIKE Lead Writer & Narrative Designer Slant Six / Sony ★ SOCOM: FIRETEAM BRAVO 3 Lead Writer & Narrative Designer Slant Six / Sony ★ NEED FOR SPEED & SSX Story Consultant & Contract Writer Electronic Arts ★ TREASURE PLANET Game Designer & Writer Barking Dog / Disney ★ THE DAMASCUS LETTER: A Spy Novel Author Finalist for the AMAZON BREAKTHROUGH NOVEL AWARD in 2011.
His portfolio on Linkden is also very well put together and will have to keep an eye on this one as well
https://www.linkedin.com/in/danieldick/
The skills i need
When it comes to narrative design in general there are certain skills you will need when entering the field.
Atleast basic knowledge on pacing and tone to a story, you cant have characters fighting an epic war then suddenly 2 seconds later have a clown filled tea party only to mourn their friends for a solid hour or two after that, it kills both the tone your going for and pacing. Keep it balanced and consistent
Understand character and world building, it good to create a world or character but if they are blank slates of boring with a side of boring pie then no one will care.
To create a breathing living world you must think about every detail and bit of history, what does this town do for the world, why is this ruin here, where do these enemies live etc. However be careful as you cannot make a game with backstory and word building alone and people do not want to have to sit through hours of lore.
Characters are harder to build, they can have preset fears and goals and motivations and even backstories however alot of the time they need to grow alongside the player and inside the events of your narrative. If a character loses something precious to them show it, if they are tried from a long battle show it, if they have been beaten badly and took a massive hit to their pride again show it to the player and in the character.
Script/dialogue writing skills and understanding what goes into creating them. Make sure every bit of dialogue fits who it is meant for perfectly and try to avoid repetition if possible. Ensure scripts are clear to read for the voice actors
Ability to take critique and improve from it, maybe someone thinks a certain aspect of your narrative is a bit off and wants to give feedback, it would be your job to take that feedback in and maybe change the narrative a bit to fit it.
Interpersonal skills, do you really think your going to be working alone....yeah no it doesnt work like that as you will be with a team of writers more than likely who will be throwing in ideas into this world or character and trying to make them perfect. Listen to what they have to say and work with them. Plus you will be working with other departments, maybe the environment designer needs specific dialogue for a fire area and you need to take a look at the area to gauge what kind of dialogue to fit into it, Maybe the character designer needs help figuring out how this character might speak and what they could even say
You have to have the ability to understand the genre of what it is your writing, cant have a kid friendly platformer suddenly have sexual jokes and decapitations now can we?
Organization in your writing is a good skill to possess as well as good motivation skills and time management
My work and evaluating it/General Evaluation
Now that i have mentioned the skills needed and the work i have done it is time to evaluate it bit by bit and see if i meet the standards set above and if not how can i achieve them from where i am now
My work
Short stories and poems tend to come to me in the moment and usually come from my already made characters, existing characters from movies/tv/games or from some random idea i had in my mind. However as mention before they tend to be a one time thing and rarely branch out and become longer, any longer story usually gets forgotten about due to motivational or memory issues even if broken into parts (For example i got 5 parts into a dark souls 3 story before forgetting it and never really going back to continue it). If i wish to get into narrative i need to work on long stories
The few twine games i have made so far are at a time where i have minimal knowledge of twine and one of them i cannot add to my porfolio due to content inside it. They are not nearly to the standard they could or should be and i should spend time completing and working on them to put them at the level i believe they could be.
The blog is personally my proudest bit of writing, i started the blog with a charcter based on an ingame mario enemy that had no backstory or anything, no personifcation or even personality. I took this enemy and gave it life and a soul, gave it wants and needs and fears and a personality, it has goals and a past now and as said has spawned countless Alternate worlds and ideas from it due to the story i have told with him. However alot of the writing tends to be very informal and dailouge based and the blog also has some informal and silly content to go through, will need to isolate the writing from this blog to show on the portfolio
As said he has spawned countless characters off of himself, from a sweet gentle shy king, to an evil dominating tyrant, a lonely yet wise last of his kind hunter, a sickening horrific yet lovable spider hybrid creature, a shy 1 limbed mechanic looking into necromancy to power his robotics to be honest this is stuff to include in the portfolio however it mention it here as no matter how many characters i do have i should continue to add more to the mix and develop them every chance i get to do so.
Skills and myself overall
In terms of skills i would like to atleast believe i own some of the needed skills for my job role, a basic understanding of pacing and tone, world and character building experience as well as interpersonal skills and abilities. Perhaps i do struggle a small amount with critique as sometimes it dont learn or go back to redo what is told of me.
Out side of skills to myself in general im a generally approachable and creative guy who could keep tensions low and ensure that everyone in the company is keeping themselves happy and destressed, i would also like to believe im willing to advance and learn even if it is painful.
But to evaluate you have to speak of the bad too, which is sometimes i can be very unmotivated and avoid/put off work for as long as possible even if i understand and know i have work. I can also get frustrated easilly with things that i cannot do or do not understand, if i wish to advance in my industry i willl need to put these under lock and key
My path into industry due to what i have found here
Due to the information i have found here there are a few paths into industry i can take
i can look for a indie or triple A developer looking for a q/a tester and work into the company from there offering the skills i do have to help construct the game and help any struggling member of the team during my none working hours, this iwll show them my previously obtained skills and allow them to remember me above all the other Q/A testers thus getting a foot in the door
I could also use my Voice acting talent and get in through that, voice a character and offer changes and help to the script as well as developing the character which again gives me a foot into the door.
another option is to wiggle into games journalism, this way i can write about and meet many developers as well as play some of the hottest games before anyone else and offer my opinion on them and what could be changed.
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tbh im kinda frustrated with my experimental prof rn... like im super stuck on how were supposed to analyze the data and i dont know if anything we put was right or how to interpret the results and she just. hasnt been helpful at all. shes been explaining stuff but its never what i need her to explain and at this point im like just!! tell me what tests to do and what numbers to write down!!! and she made us edit a bunch of shit in our presentation and then we did the practice run and got freakin annihilated by the class so we have to edit all our graphs and like... if she had just told us how to do it in the first place we wouldnt have to rush to finish everything within the week!! plus my groupmates are never here bc theyre both athletes so i did all the data analyses myself and its like. im so done with it lmao PLUS theres still whole chunks of our data missing for certain sections??? that our prof said shed put in but she didnt. so ok lmao
at this point im not even gonna bring up the missing data bc we ran the tests anyways and it was fine but like. i know shes super frazzled bc shes having what sounds like an emergency surgery the day after classes end and its like... i feel rly rly bad for her. but also if you cant help us out with the project then pls dont expect us to do the same level of work as you were expecting?? also just fucking dont give us a final exam wtf is she doing that for shes not gonna be here for it??? and none of us know what were doing bc shes never able to help us??? im just so frustrated lmao
#shut up narge#college junk#im just. so confused abt everything with this project#and its not like i have three other final projects to do.... no way....#also i wanted to take a shower tonight but my roommates in a bad mood and i dont wanna ask her if i can move her bra lmao
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The System
Introduction
For far too long I’ve not cared about organizing my life. I just went with the flow. It was an easier time. After all, if I just didn’t think about it, I wouldn’t have to worry about it. But that’s not any way of living life. At least for me. I’m by nature someone who likes to have things in control, have things figured out before the going gets tough. It’s surprising then, how I’ve never bothered sorting things out in my life. And as I write this I feel a pang of pain, that I had let things arrive to this state.
About a few months ago, I started caring due to some personal reasons. I looked back on where things stood in my life and all I saw were ruins. This was due to years of not caring, not having the courage to see things for what they were. Life went on and I went on. Not caring.
It all started with me reading a book – The Productivity Project by Chris Bailey. The book really hit me hard, made me look at my life and assess it objectively. The first step, which is probably the hardest step of all, is to accept that there’s a problem. If not, you never actually begin to see the problem. Acceptance and recognition are really powerful. And also very scary when it’s something negative. That’s probably the reason why most people don’t engage in it. But life can be healthier if you have the courage to figure out what’s wrong, work towards making it right and coming out the other side a winner. Sure it’s gonna be a hard journey but is it even worth it if it wasn’t hard to get there? Embrace it and beat it.
Since then I’ve read quite a bit about organization, productivity and most of all cared to think about how it all relates to my life. I’ve set up a system, which I call “The System” for lack of a better name, to get a grip on my life. Not everyone needs something like this. But I do and so here we are.
Now “The System” isn’t complete and it probably never will be. I will change as a person and my circumstances will change. And that will bring about changes to my system as well. I will however, keep working on improving it and all I can hope for is that one day, it will become stable.
So why write all this down? Honestly it’s for me. It’s so I have a written record of how “The System” started. This is day 0. Also, this will help me work out some of the problems my system has, as it stands today.
Core Idea
‘The System’ is based on a really simple idea, which David Allen talks about in his book “Getting things done”. Write down whatever’s on your head that you CANT get to at the moment. Want to check out a new video game, need to order some equipment, have an interesting idea to explore? These are called open loops because we don’t act on them instantly but they still take up some of the CPU processing of our brain. It doesn’t affect our attention and focus when the number of such open loops are small but as I’ve come to increasingly realize, there’s a lot of these going through our mind. The combined effect of them becoming open loops and taking up our attention subconsciously can seriously impact the work we are trying to get done in the present. Ever had that feeling when you are trying to focus on something and your mind keeps wandering to other things? Those are the open loops your brain is trying to process. And it’s good at doing just that but unfortunately it doesn’t really know when to focus on which task. That is our job.
Recording open loops is one aspect of “The System”. It’s equally important to ensure that we record these open loops in a place our brain trusts to check back, so that they can be acted upon later. If not, our brain goes right back to processing these tasks even though it’s now been recorded. And so the problem persists.
To summarize, here are the two important things about “The System”:
1. Record open loops
2. Record them in a place your brain trusts
Other additions to The System
Along with improving focus, writing down things is better than simply holding it in your head, it also helps you to have a better perspective of all the things going on in your head and by extension your life. Being able to read it again is very useful. Often you realize you’re putting too much emphasis on the wrong things.
If you are working on a relatively big project, always take the time to break it down into small chunks that you can handle. I call them “actionable items”. Doing so transforms the big project from being a mass of vagueness, that we resist working on, to small tasks which we definitely know can be acted upon. Completing these tasks moves the pin forward and drives momentum. Remember, don’t just jump into a big project, as tempting as that may seem to be. A little planning and organizing can save a lot of time later on. That said, don’t get too caught up on the planning phase to the extent that you’re procrastinating on starting the actual project. Do enough to have some actionable items to boot with. This list will need constant review and updates as you work your way through the project.
Make a habit to constantly review “The System”. It’s like a machine and needs constant maintenance. Each month go through your lists, adding, removing and updating it. If you realize, that certain aspects of your system don’t work for you, don’t hesitate to remove or make changes to it. Your system needs to be flexible and should be allowed to constantly change.
On taking breaks
I have come to realize that I’m really bad at taking breaks. I end up pushing past my limit and my concentration suffers. I used to put in an entire day of work at the cost of engaging in my hobbies like playing games or watching a movie and still felt like I hadn’t accomplished much. That’s a sign of bad time management.
Pomodoro has been really helpful to combat this problem. I follow 15 – 5 work schedule.
It’s still a system I’m exploring and not everything has been worked out. For example, I often don’t stop after a 15 min work slot. This isn’t how Pomodoro is meant to be used. And while I do realize that I don’t have to stick to it absolutely, I think this needs more thought.
Also I’ve been trying to figure out what to do when taking those 5 min breaks. Getting up and walking helps but there’s only so many times you can do that. The break needs to involve an activity that can pull me away from the 15 min work mode but not be too stimulating that I keep thinking about it once the 5 min break ends.
Physical or Digital
I use only digital, involving apps and websites to record the open loops and keep my system running. This just works for me. Even so, I constantly make sure to retrospect and assess whether these apps are right for me. What works for others, or even for most people may not work for you. So make sure to keep looking and trying out new technologies until you find what works for you.
Some apps/websites I use
This one is specific to way I use it. I have come to this workflow after many iterations and failures.
I maintain a master list of all the projects I’m working on and categorize them into 3 levels of priority in ToDoist. Individually these projects may live in other places like Trello, Obsidian etc, where I break them down into small manageable tasks. I then ask myself what projects I need to be working on referring to the master list in ToDoist and then pick tasks related to those which get added into my tasks to do right now. I maintain this list in Any,do. As I finish tasks I cross them off of Any.do and every few breaks I repeat the above process to refill my task list in Any.do.
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I used to have a major problem watching videos online. Let’s say I’m watching a video on YT and I stop for the day or I want to move to a different one. I used to feel guilty dropping the video and so I would push myself to watch it all the way, even when then’s perhaps not the best time to do so. Now, I just track which videos I’m watching and the timestamp of where I’m at in the video in Google Keep (YT’s feature to get a URL of the video at the current time is a life saver). Now I can just pick back up from where I left off when I revisit the video. It’s one less thing I need to worry about.
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I use Raindrop.io to collect all my bookmarks. This also needs more work. I constantly accrue duplicate bookmarks. I need a better system to decide what goes where.
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I track new books or shows to watch in Google Keep. This way if I come across a new book or show I want to check out, I don’t have to act upon it instantly and can have my attention not fragmented.
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I take notes on tutorials/ tech books I’m reading / projects I’m working on in Obsidian/One Note/Evernote. For the longest time, I never really took notes. I understood the topic at the time, which gave me a false sense of security that I would remember this stuff a week from now. Inevitably I would forget and have to do the work all over again. It’s always better to take notes as you are learning. Our brain isn’t good at remembering facts, its good at processing information. When we learn from a tutorial, the objective is to take good notes that we can use to recall that information later on. Customize the note taking process and structure to suit you.
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I use Google Calendar to track things that need to be completed in the future. Or for events I’m looking forward to.
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Recently I have started using a code snippet manager to track snippets of code I find useful.
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Also now, when I read an interesting article online, technical or not, I take notes in Evernote and Penultimate. This is really useful because not only are you going to have a written note of what you’re reading, which you can refer back late on, it also makes the process of reading more engaging thereby helping you understand better.
Miscellaneous stuff
I have come to appreciate how powerful doing a little everyday can be in the long term. I finished reading a 600+ page book by reading just 5 pages every day. Took me 6 months and I missed some days but I finished it. That’s better than not finishing. It wasn’t a particularly engaging book but I still wanted to read it because I had bought it and liked the author. Now that I finished it, I can tell the book wasn’t for me rather than doing so after dropping it because I couldn’t keep a long attention span and gave up.
Conclusion
Finally, this hasn’t captured the entirety of “The System”, partly cause it’s not yet complete and also because what exists of it as of today isn’t quite so clear in my head. I plan to keep tweaking it, improving it and will create a new edition of this document again.
These documents will be a way for me to look back and assess how “The System” came to be.
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kinda lost blog
I just wish to feel genuine joy in my life. I'm so afraid of chasing my goals cos what if I get to where I need to be and it's not exactly what I want. nevermind trying to reach for my goals cos I've been doing that..working every day..trying to bring myself closer to my goals but fail...struggling to sit down and just write music...i can't get myself to do it... I can't get myself to create anything.. I procrastinate the things I'm supposed to do with irrelevant big tasks..trying to distract myself constantly... I just feel empty inside...
what makes my hallow chest even deeper is the fact that all my relationships remind me of the bad decisions I've made..and theyre, not even bad decisions..its just meh...average..nothing worthwhile noting really..combined with abunch of negative outcomes...like he fact that i know a shit ton of people but i have zero real friends...i once had a friend who knew me for more than 7 years but he never exactly knew his boundaries...he’d show up to my house unannounced...id never get space...but at least i still had a friend..id do countless favors for him and never ask him anything in return but giving me space...one time i tried distancing myself from him and when i started to notice, he got so offended...after this happened, we never spoke to months...probs the longest time apart since we’ve been friends...then we kinda rekindled things...and he decided to plan a guys trip to bring us closer together...trip was okay...but ended really bad...he blocked me off everything..games, facebook, whatsapp...everything...he lives up the road from me...but ive never seen him since....idk if its a blessing or a curse...i hope things are okay with him...he wasnt the smartest but he was smart enough to comprehend certain sitautions ive been going through...good enough for me to vent to and console me...thats kinda all i need sometimes...but no more of that...he was kinda my bridge to a group of other friends we had...and after the boys trip it was like i lost everyone..social life took a hard knock...im sorry..just wish you trusted me more...
i tried filling the void by making my gf do things i did with my friends...never went down well...she just seems like someone who never knows how to have fun anymore..we used to have interesting chats..i was so inlove with her, I never saw her flaws...and she taught me this word “resentment”...well its not tht i never saw her flaws...i just chose to ignore them..and told myself that things will get better, and she’ll grow..and change...but i feel like shes been making me more like her since we’ve been dating...i swear i did so much things before her...but we’ve been together so long, i dont even know who that person is anymore...i bet, even if i left her, i wouldnt be able to bounce back...and the odd thing is that, when we started dating almost 5 years ago, i made it our philosphy that we are individuals in a relationship, we are not the relationship but it seems like she wasnt even herself back then and started being me...and now its like, shes nothing without me and my whole life has grown so much onto her, i kinda feel the same in return...just less attached to her since i felt like i was feeding her nucleas...might be exaggerating but homegirl cant initiate anything without me. nevermind choosing a meal when we go out, she cant even make a plan without needing 90% input from my side...and thats how most things are between us...if shes upset, ill fix it...risk my life and beyond to fix it...physically have done this many times before...walked from my house to hers at 2am in the morning, through the ghettos, more than a kilometer away..even been gun pointed and got things stolen from me, just to make her feel better when she was upset in the middle of the night...im not expecting that in return but she lits does the bare minimum in return...id be sad, then she be like...awww...im sad you’re sad...done..thats it...she’d lits be like...what can i do to fix things....again wanting my input...i might as well be dating myself...idk why im with this girl anymore...i hurt inside everytime i tell her i love her...cos i just dont anymore...and its been like this for a while...i wish she found this post and decided to leave me..cos i cant leave her...ive broken her heart so many times and told her i wanted to leave but i just end up coming back to her cos im sucha fucking pussy seeking some sort of social acceptence or friendship and i feel like shes all i have rn...not much of a gf hey...but its not like im worth anything either...idk...im so paranoid shes cheated on me in the past cos shes lied to me in the past and told me 3 years later about those lies...you know when someone lies to you and then when you find out about the lies and you ask why’d you do it and shes like...idk...i just feel like its lies ontop of lies...really cant trust her....i wish i had it in me to cheat on her...but i just dont like most females...id be infatuated with someone but would be put off so easily by the slightest thign...things would make so much sense if i was secretly gay but im not...the longer i seem to be in this place, the deeper im digging my grave...i feel like the time with my almost 5 year relationship feels like its getting harder to leave the longer i stay in it....i really dont know what to do...but i feel like i fuck up most of my relationships...not just my romantic one...
my relationship with my parents are just a nightmare...same goes for my other family members...and you know what...i do so much for people...countless favors...countless volunteer jobs...extra miles for people who wont even move an inch for me...but just let me mention this to anyone, then im in the wrong...i just feel like i cant voice any shortcomings to anyone and im made out to be the bad guy for doing this....whether its my parents or my sisters...id do everything for them, and i do everything for them, even things they dont ask me for...but let me raise an opinion that doesnt resonate with them, and it turns into an argument and if i decide to step out before things get sour, im still made out to be the bad guy cos how dare i do something so rude....i just feel like no1 wants to listen to me at all...for my last birthday i tried staying away from my family and decided to work on a few movies with my friends and i had fun, we arent the closes friends but, campus friends...theyre actually in a whole other faculty..so we just barely know eachother but we’ve worked on movies before and thats kinda our history together as friends....so its my birthday and i agreed to work with them on this day...all day..from like 7am until almost 10pm..and my family, not communicating with me, decides to go out for supper for my birthday...and just expects me to leave this project im working on for them...so they invite people to join them for this birthday supper...without having me there...anyways after i finished my day shooting, i was pretty smug about working instead of spending the day with my family...and on the last few moments of my birthday my sister makes a shitty comment, wanting me to shut the fuck up cos she doesnt have the energy to listen to my voice..it really broken my heart, how my whole birthday was spoilt in moments....wish she couldve just waited a tiny bit longer...i wouldve been happy with that..but naa...no1 wants to listen to anything i have to say, let alone have me around in their presence....i just feel like starting a new life somewhere else...and thats kinda what i had planned...
really thought i was going to leave south africa and immigrate to australia to go sound study there...filled in all the paper work...spoke back-and-forth with the uni over there and they extended the communication so long, i thought things were set...seemed like i was so close to getting the big change ive been seeking for so long...but they sent me this stinky ‘ol email with extra modules id have to do and the tuition fees went from $11,000 to $35,000 which is ridiculous as my countries currency isnt australian dollars and is 10 units weaker than theirs...never in my life have i ever felt like money defined my life...lits had my life in limbo cos i was waiting for responses from this people...and when i finally got a response it was too late to apply at the local college...idk what im doing this year...i tried looking for work online, but no response...made ads for work on fiverr...tried upwork, tried quickengig...even rev...all these sites people advertise as quick ways to make money....a bunch of lies...i made $0, 3 weeks going now. nothing. i even invested in making a business logo, wrote descriptions...adjusted my ads multiple times...still...blue ticks from the online work field...i applied for jobs ive seen on indeed and on gumtree and jobfinder....but no response...nothing...blue ticked...ima say luckily im working part-time for this events company and its kinda an opportunity to network with the sound industry but the live sound industry is filled with racist pricks who patronize you when you’ve done the time to learn the work they know...so no work online freelancing, no work applying for work..no work physically meeting people...really makes me feel like this isnt a viable option for me...cant even study locally or internationally anymore...
im just so lost...alone..hurt..wish someone would save me the way ive saved others before..
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Nightmares
I had a terrible nightmare last night. It was so bad that im still thinking about it today....so vivid in my memory as if it actually happened to me. Thats the thing about dreams, you actually feel all the emotions when you dream. And when you have a bad dream, you feel it as though it was real.
I dreamt I was in a school bus filled with school children and we all got into a major accident. We crashed into the river..but it wasn’t a river..it was a river filled with oil. You cant swim in it. (gila climate change dream)
I survived. The bus driver managed to haul me out. The children died. I cried so much. The bus driver told me that we should leave the area immediately and act like nothing happened so no one would find out. I was appalled at his suggestion but I was too much in shock to be able to process his suggestion. Then suddenly im back at home trying to tell an ex of mine what happened to me with the accident and all. And he just ignored me.
Then I woke up.
How many layers of trauma can you point out in this very dream? So many! I dreamt abt dying chlidren!!
I have a bajillion things to do at work today and all I can think about is
1- The children died. I can hear their cries. 2- wtf is wrong with the bus driver 3- wtf is my ex boyfriend of 10 years ago doing in my dream ignoring me? Seriously wtf. dah dah la tu.
Obviously whatever thats going on in your dreams is a reflection of your reality. Howver, my reality is not so bad now though. Work is work. I should feel pretty excited about whats to come for work stuff (murals and new projects and shit) but I think at this point of my life i cant derive happiness from work anymore. In the beginning I could because everything was new and exciting and now everything is just work...blerghhh..
You know what I need to get? A life. Thats what I need to get. I spent the whole of 2018,2019 focusing all my energy and time on work and figuring out the business....but its already the end of 2019...and im legit dying for something new. I also think I need to start dating again. You know, be a normal 31 year old single woman.
I just dont know how to anymore. All the things I used to like a few years ago...before I left for London in 2016...going to bars, clubbing, partying...im just not into anymore. Whenever I am invited to go, or think about going, my head immediately feels heavy...like my entire body refuses to do all these things...
So i’ve been trying out new activities...like THRIFTING. I am a natural thrifter. It gives me so much satisfaction if I find something I love for RM2. I went last weekend with some friends and we found a RM2 MARIMEKKO PLATE WHAT WHATTTTTT. If thats not a steal I dunno what is. I used to sell these plates at Janine and they’re like RM50.
I said in my last post that i’ve been getting back into my music.....which is really playing the guitar again..playing my ukelele....writing music..singing to myself. Why did I even stop doing this? I loveeeee music. But for the longest time, ive had the weirdest most complicated relationship with all the music I love. (to cut the story short, a lot of bands trigger my PTSD LOL) I’ve been trying to deal with all these triggers and FORCE myself to listen to the songs and create new memories attached to it.
I notice this abt myself. When I go through a bad experience in life... when im out of it... I avoid everything to do with that time of my life like THE PLAGUE. Even when the experience also had good stuff in it, I still avoid. I don’t think this is a good way fo navigating life.
For example, last night I went to watch Last Christmas with my mom and my sister (#romcomnight) and the movie was shot in London. I legit had so many WEIRD flashbacks of my time in London. It was non stop. Good and bad memories. mostly bittersweet. I couldn’t bring myself to really get into the movie because THE ENTIRE MOVIE TRIGGERED ME. I need to deal with this. I WONT allow just a shitty time in London make me hate an entire city that I used to love. Ahh.. London...what a weird time of my life. Thats the moment I realize you can get what you want in life, but still be unhappy about other shit. It never stops. More on that later.
You know another city that triggers me? Singapore. Oh my god. Now I have 2 freaking countries that make me have the hibbyjibbies when I go there.
Anyway, this year, I plan to stop getting triggered with crap that doesn’t even directly affect my day to day life. Like music, movies and entire cities that i’ve been completely avoiding because it triggers me so much. As you can obviously guess by now, relationship memories trigger me. I now know that it isn’t the relationship per se that triggers me, it isn’t even the person im seeing. It is just me being overly sentimental and having all these childhood traumas that come back to haunt me when I date people.
And it only comes out when I start getting intimate with people. All my emotional baggage from being abandoned and neglected as a child comes back tenfolds with any guy I date. He could be the nicest guy in the world and I would still have to deal with my baggage. I know my nightmare last night is probably a reflection of all these experiences i’ve had as a child.
It took me a looooongggg ass time to accept and forgive all the people who had hurt me as a child. If you dont know yet, childhood trauma is one of the main reasons why people behave / do / believe in what they do / have unhealthy coping mechanisms...and it can REALLY affect relationships and how you are in a relationship if one does not deal with these traumas properly. It also affects how you deal with stress and stressful situations. It affects everything really. For me it affects EVERY SINGLE THING abt my life, except work related stuff .People always assume I have my shit together because when its work related im almost always on the good side of things. My personal life is the opposite of my work life. It used to be a disaster area. Literally a hurricane went through it and nobody rebuilt it. It was just left there in shambles...Theres a rave happening in the middle of it.....Not really a happy rave...more like a rave happening out of desperation, like “fuck we live in a hell hole. LET’s RAVE!!!” Instead of cleaning up the mess, I chose to rave. Omg. Thats totally me and my life haha. Anyway, that was back then. Currently my personal life is a beautiful garden straight out of a Monet painting..theres a beautiful cottage right by the river.....flowers are blooming everywhere...Its pretty scenic...fantabulous...level boleh masuk Architectural Digest (welcome to my crib)...... The only problem is that its completely EMPTY.... More on that later.
Back to childhood traumas, I am not the only one in the world with childhood traumas. EVERYONE has childhood traumas in one way or another. EVERYONE has baggage. You reading my blog here. You have traumas. It’s only a matter of being AWARE of ones trauma or not. Thats your own journey to find out. Some people are lucky to have been born into mentally healthy and happy families, GOOD FOR YOU BRO.
Im not special at all. I hear stories front left and centre about relationships falling apart because of they haven’t properly dealt with all their mommy and daddy issues...and issues regarding the self....
Anyway I dont even know why im talking about this right now..I guess the dream last night made me realize that ive totally been avoiding dating or having relationships (or even meeting new people) and using work as an excuse to not have to deal.
Then again, its not like TINDER has the best quality of men in the world Lol so I know im not missing out on much. But I know I must.
For the sake of my “art” and creativity. I’ve never been a full time artist AND be in a relationship at the same time. I always wondered all these artists and their “muses” - being inspired by another person to create your art....I find it fascinating.
If you read about Frida Kahlo’s life and her artist boyfriend...whoa..thats like ART TELENOVELA....Artists are so passionate when it comes to love. I scare myself when I think about it. Artists have no chill honestly. When they feel, THEY TRULY FEEL. Im sure many artists are able to properly regulate their emotions and are just normal ass people...but the artists I know are all super mad in some way....
Which is why, I believe this is the best profession for me. There was no way I could work in an office and be a robot...churn out report after report and new marketing strategies when there is so much ABOUT LIFE out there to get inspired by...I guess this is a topic for another time which I really wanna talk about. Basically how I came into “myself” when I made the change to do what I really want in life. I changed my hair and dressing too.....I suddenly realized “Why am I wearing all this 9-5 bullshit? Why TF am I wearing an A line skirt” I can wear whatever the hell I want I dont have a boss or have to be “professional” and I can get away with wearing a plastic bag on my head if I wanted to. And here I thought I was a “non-conformist” There was so much more I was subconsciously “conforming” to and didn’t realize. Dressing and hair are just surface level stuff....Theres a whole lotta “lifestyle” choices that ive been re-thinking too....Also the sacrifices i’ve made to do the business...I had to do a whole entire LIFESTYLE rehaul for me to be able to afford doing my business......(this is something that I REALLY want to share. Cause chasing your dreams ain’t easy. People only see the glamorous parts of it)
Thats a post for another time. For now, I really gotta go back to work and FINISH UP SOME REALLY EXCITING PROJECTS....
(I tried to do this in caps lock to hype myself, but it didn’t work. im dreading work today....oh well) Im human. some days we get nightmares and it fucks up our entire day.
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Reflection
hey journal,
i really need to get better at writing these again, haha. especially bc ive been spiraling a lot lately. after i type this, im going to post a reflection that ive been meaning to finish last sunday.
so, hey. im not doing so great. and i cant tell if it’s me overreacting or me not being in control of my own mind or something else entirely but im not in a mentally stable place. i thought i was doing better. i thought i had grown more confident and felt more in control of everything. i thought my family had gotten closer on a deeper level. but i was wrong. im not okay. im really not. and i can try and deny it all i want but im not doing so great. im usually that friend that people go to for advice, especially when concerning others but i cant even manage my own friends and family. a part of me knows that ive cried a lot this past year and honestly, i feel really ashamed of it. i have a bad habit of bottling everything up and then just letting the waterworks flow one after the other during the next session. but im here now and i want to harden myself up again so people dont see how weak i am again. and i know deep in my heart that thats actually not what i want. bc i dont want to be an apathetic robot again thats just all about do do do and nothing else. i feel like a machine whenever i shut people out and i get the job done but at what cost? if i could have it my way, i would be surrounded by a community that unconditionally loves me and i dont have to think or try to do or pretend to be someone or something else. i can just be me and be accepted in their arms. but thats not the case. i do want to open myself up and i do want it to be a place where everyone feels free to share. but honestly, im scared. im scared bc im afraid that people dont actually care about me. and they never did. whenever i do share, it’s just awkward, and heavy, and silent, and no one knows how to respond or wants to pray for me. And it sucks. Honestly, I’m really sad that Shar wont be returning to Columbia next year because she was with me during my hardest and most trying times. And yeah, we got busy. But i didn’t blame her at all. She had her own things to deal with and I respect that. It’s just gonna be a lot harder without her. I’m honestly so afraid to go back home. I am so scared out of my wits that I’m gonna go home and it’ll be like nothing ever changed. It’ll be like high school all over again. Where I’m just so miserable and nothing I ever do will ever be enough for anyone. I have worked so hard and for so long to get to where I’m at now and there are still so many problems. What’s wrong with me. I don’t trust Jason, and PJ, and Angela, and Grace, and Christine, and Rachel, and everyone else enough to share all of this. All I know is that I’ve been burned and hurt so badly in the past and it’s scarred me for life. I’m so afraid that I won’t actually ever find someone to fall in love with. But I still have so much baggage that I need to solve before I can even begin looking or hope to find anyone. I just want to drown everything out in media so that I don’t and can’t actually think for myself anymore but I also know that I won’t get anything done or solved that way. This is something that I need to take the time to pray and meditate on.
And honestly, it’s kind of lonely and exhausting at my internship right now. I’m the only graphic designer and everyone keeps expecting me to do so much and I’m really into it. If there was a graphic design team and we all had all these tasks to do, I don’t think I would mind. If it was at least one other person that I could talk and communicate with, that’d be nice. Preferably another intern but even the only graphic design employee would be great too. But it does feel pretty overwhelming to be expected to take on so many tasks and to do so many things for all these different clients when im only getting a stipend. and i know they tell me i shouldnt feel pressured to stay after 5 but i do so that i can get these things done. i was highkey kinda salty the other day when jon said that im not doing things like mockups for clients yet but will once july hits but i already am? sigh. idk. i think im just feeling kinda overwhelmed bc it’s so many different projects to work on with so many different clients at once. is this how it always is? i knew i would have to work with clients but not to this level. they told me that didnt want to just throw me in with the sharks from the beginning but it feels like they did. and yeah, im still swimming but im getting tired. i definitely think i should bring this up to them. but at the same time, i am afraid of bringing it up bc i dont want them to just revoke so much at once. like i can still be productive. i dont want just one project to do a day. like trust me to do more. but not this much. i guess if it was just projects coming from jeremy and jon or if i knew the process or where it was going, i would feel a little better. i just think it’s been a lot of big projects that ive been working on for the company? if it was just a bunch of client work, i dont think i would mind as much. but bc the speed of all these new projects is so fast and i already have to worry about designing numerous spreads/pages on top of that? it’s a lot to take in. but bc im pretty much done with the internal stuff, or as far as i am concerned, i do think it should calm down from here.
i think i thought approaching and confronting specific incidents in my life would solve my mental trauma but it’s not just that. it’s been years of yelling and verbal abuse that have shaped me to believe the things that i believe today. and i do really thank andrew for bringing up that i think the way that i do bc i was conditioned to think that way and i am afraid to reread what i originally messaged him about. but i think he is right and it’s gotten me to start really thinking about how much my family has impacted my life in more ways than one. i get overwhelmed easily. my senses cant handle a lot coming into it. that’s just not how my brain functions or works. i thought i was over my asperger’s but i dont think that i am yet. but i still remember my mom yelling in my face, “what’s wrong with you? how can anyone be that stupid?” i always thought it was just my dad that was always strict with me and my sister but it’s always been my mom too. shes the one that spanked me. shes the one that said the most verbal abuse against us. i think my dad just doesnt understand how we work and is actually the more caring and understanding parent. but he has strict rules that he abides by and is really logical so that “loving” family figure has always been absent. My mom has tried to be the peacemaker in the past but doesnt change the fact that shes been just as hard on us as my dad has been.
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I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
"I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
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I am looking to get insured on a peugeot 106 quicksilver for under 3,000 its only a 1.4 but all the company's i look at want up to 11 grand.""
What if i cancel my auto insurance and get back after six months?
I canceled my auto insurance before six months. now I got another car and I got accident before I purchased insurance for this car with the same company. then I purchased the auto insurance.so, my question is does my insurance company has to cover for this.""
Is there a group health insurance I can join?
My husband left his job and we lost our health insurance. Are there organizations I can join to become part of their group health insurance? Who are they? I know I can buy health insurance any time but I can generally get it cheaper as a group insurance.
How Can a 17 Year old Teen Afford Car Insurance?
I am a 17 year old guy working on getting my first car. I was thinking possibly a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire, or a 2006 Saturn Ion. I had looked up a few quotes from Progressive and Esurance, and noticed that the semi-annual price was VERY high, way beyond anything my family could afford. I was wondering If anyone knew of a way that I could possibly afford this. Many of the quotes totaled at $800-$1000 per six months. This is outrageously high, and that was just insurance for an adult I had quoted. Adding a teen onto the insurance would be much more expensive. If anyone has any ideas on what I can do to cheat the system per say, or just find a nice and cheap affordable, reliable insurance company I'd be extremely grateful.""
Teen Car Insurance + Accidents Clarification?
I'm a 16 year old girl who just got her license in March. A week after I got my license, I rear ended another car while driving my mom's new car that is insured. We got it fixed and only had to pay the 500 dollar deductible. I do not have my own car. My sister, who is 19, has her own car that is not covered for collision. My dad's car is not covered for collision either. My sister just got into an accident, rear ending someone as well. I really need to get a car next year for work and such but my parents said my insurance would be high enough already with both of me and my sister's accidents. Couldn't I just buy a car on my own and not get collision coverage on it like my dad and sister's cars? Would that be cheaper? I really don't know how car insurance works at all, i only know what my parents tell me, so any help would be appreciated :) Oh, and if it matters, I went to traffic school after my accident to remove the points against my driving record (I think that's what it did) My sister had already gone to traffic school recently for a speeding ticket so she can't go again for her accident.""
Car insurance ? add another car?
my wife got a 1995 i already got full coverage how much will it be to add her car?
Car insurance company question?
State farm gave me a car insurance quote 6 months ago. I agreed to it and they set up an account. They told me that we would have automatic payments made to them every month and that my coverage would stay the same. My husband and I never checked to make sure they were still automatically withdrawing the payments until today, 6 months later. I tried to call my insurance agent and she quit! I have not been covered since after the first month, and no one ever called to let me know I was no longer insured. HAD SOMETHING HAPPENED, ME AND SOME OTHER DRIVER WOULD'VE BEEN SCREWED. Who do I talk to about this? BTW I switched insurance companies since then and am now covered. I just was wondering who I can complain to about this.""
My own insurance if i file independent?
Im 18, if no one claims me as a dependent on their taxes (so i claim independent), will I be taken off my parents insurance? and if so, is it health or life insurance or both? and what are the best insurance options for me if i have to get my own?""
Cost of med insurance for a college student living on their own?
How much does individual health insurance cost for a college student out on their own? I realize its different for each person. Lets say the person is male and 18. No health related problems, no history of any either. How much? On average.""
Certificate of liability insurance?
what is a certificate of liability insurance and an additional insured mean>
What kind of insurance will cover rhinoplasty pertaining to broken nose?
My nose broke and now I have what the doctor told is called Saddle Nose. He said there is no rush, but I have some difficulty breathing and it is somewhat deformed. I have University of California health insurance, will this help? How should I get this procedure done for the most inexpensive cost? Any insurance experts?""
Monthly car insurance?
Hi I own a 2004 Saab in New Jersey. I am returning to NJ next month and would like to drive it. I own the car, but I need a car insurance plan for one month. I am 18...Is this possible to do? Or is there a rental car option for 18 year olds?""
Is an international student considered a 'resident' (for car insurance purposes in the UK)?
Every car insurance comparison website and company seems to insist that I be a UK resident in order to obtain a car insurance quote. What does 'resident' in this context mean? As far as I know I've never applied for residency. I am a foreign student in the UK, studying in a UK university on a student visa which expires at the end of my course. is that considered a resident? if not how does a non-resident get their car insured? I'd really appreciate any helpful answers""
Car depreciation/insurance question?
Let's say for the sake of argument that my car is valued at 2000.00 at the beginning of this year and my full coverage insurance on this vehicle is 500.00 a year. Now at the end of this year my car has depreciated to 1500.00. Shouldn't my full coverage insurance rate be adjusted to reflect the book value of the car and lowered appropriately and be dropped to say 400.00 a year? It's a hypothetical question and I understand that insurance companies won't automatically cut you a break if they don't have to. It makes me wonder if one needs to manually re-adjust their insurance rate every year to stay accurate and not pay more than necessary.
Why won`t insurance companies insure Nuclear power plants?
Why don`t insurance companies insure some drivers?
Is it possible for me to get an insurance quote below 2000 for any possible car?
im 22..i've tried old and new cars for quotes... cars valued from 500 to 35,000... but the minimum possible quotes i get is around 2100.. and been given a quote of 7000 for a 2.0l bmw 3 series worth around 5000 itself... I know its not going to be 30 a month for such a young in experienced driver.. but 400 a month for a tiny car??!!... i have no one to help me ... how do i find out if car insurance is just a joke or is it possible to get some sensible quotes? how do normal people get sensible car insurance for the first time? or are they just born with 10 years of NCB ?""
How much would car insurance be for my 16 year old son?
I bought him a 2011 corvette zo6 its fully paid for.He works at a fast food restaurant as assistant manager.So what car insurance should I get for him and how much would it cost
I'm tired of being an agent assistant. What other jobs can i find in the insurance industry?
I have a bachelor in marketing and i've been working as a licensed assistant to an insurance agent. I plan on working here at least another year, but I am interested in learning about other jobs in the industry since our corporate office is nearby. What are some other jobs i can look into? Just looking for ideas, thanks.""
How much will my car insurance be?
I live in Dallas Texas, I'm 18 years old, I've had defensive driving school, which I've been told gives you at the most 10% off your rate...i own a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, in REALLY good condition, car alarm...all the gadgets...but since I'm 18 who would be the best to go with...also I'm seeking FULL Coverage for the first 6 months of driving in Dallas, because people do not know how to drive and I want to make sure I'm covered...any help or advice??? THANX""
Important question regarding auto insurance while renting a vehicle?
Does anyone have any idea about how much a person is liable for if they rent a car from a place such as Avis, Hertz or Thrifty without paying for the insurance coverage they offer? A friend of mine doesn't have her own car so therefore she doesn't have any insurance. She is renting a car for the weekend and wasn't sure about her liability with or without purchasing the insurance coverage thru the rental agency. Any answers would be great as we all know that those rental insurance programs offered by car rental agencies can be quite expensive:-)""
Average Motorcycle insurance?
thinking about getting one. best route take as far as insurance, bikers course, type of bike. its my first bike.""
I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
Finding Cheap Car Insurance?
I am 17 years old and wanting to find the cheapest car insurance, i want my own insurance policy on a 1.0L Vaxhall Cora, but the problem is it is going to be around 2500 does anybody know any cheaper sites?""
What zip code in the U.S. has the cheapest auto insurance?
I want to know what area of the country recieves the cheapest auto insurance?
Car Insurance?
What is the best car insurance for someone who is 18 a good insurance that dosent cost that much
How much do you pay for insurance?
what car do u have and how much do you pay, also what insurance sompany do u have ? just want to know""
What Insurance is the cheapest for teenagers in texas?
What Insurance is the cheapest for teenagers in texas?
How to fight a California Medi-Cal Health Insurance denial?
I received a letter saying they would not cover my hospital stay because it was a non-emergent admission to a nonparticipating provider and there is no prior authorization. I was led to believe by the professionals that it would be covered. The situation was an emergency as even the doctors said. I did not know it was not a non participating provider and this was the closest hospital at the time during this emergency! Is there a way to fight this and win? I received a state hearing form but no other Information on what makes a winning or loosing case. Any advice?
How much does auto insurance cost for small dump truck in ga?
I am writing a business plan to start a residential preservation company for foreclosed and private properties and I need to know about how much it will cost me per year to have insurance on a small dump truck.
1 Day Car Insurance?
Any way I can get car insurance for my car for only 1 day? I NEED to take it somewhere for a couple of hours and it NEEDS to be insured. Thanks.
Old insurance vs new insurance?
if you start a new insurance policy at a different company on the same day you are suppose to start the old company do you still have to pay them or just let go
How much on average is insurance on a 2005 chevy silverado 2500 or ford F-250?
Looking to buy one of these vehicles and wanted to see how much on average it is. Thanks!
Adding body kit or alloy wheels increase insurance on 17 year old?
I will be 17 in January and was wondering whether adding a body kit or alloy wheels to something like a fiat seicento would increase the insurance... because it may be more desirable to steal? Please give me legit answers...
When you first get your drivers permit do you have to have car insurance to drive with adults?
When you first get your drivers permit do you have to have car insurance to drive with adults? Or are you automatically covered by theirs?
Life insurance for young couples...?
I've been searching online for a very cheap life insurance For me and my husband.. But no luck.. We live in NY. Can any send me a link Are just tell me about any u may know?.. Thanks a lot. Am 28yrs and he is 37yrs. Thanks in advance..
""If someone gets in an auto accident with someone else's car, whose insurance is notified?
Mother and daughter have auto insurance together. Daughter lets her boyfriend drive and he rear ends a car and does very little damage (broken tail light) to other car. He has his own insurance for his vehicle. Which insurance do you call? No accident report was done by police.
Different ways to lower insurance cost. could i have my boyfriend insure my car for me?
Please, if you're not 100% sure don't answer,, it's confusing. Anyways, i recently financed a vehicle, 06 Taurus, and the insurance is killing, nearly higher than the car note! ($314 a month). & now that I'm pregnant i need to save $. My boyfriend doesn't have a car or license, but is there any way he could get insurance under his name & then add my car? Or any other work a rounds? Btw, I'm willing to fix his license if that's an issue. I'm 23, He's 29. I live in what's considered to be more dangerous city than he does. Also, he has less moving violations than me. So a policy for him maybe be anywhere from 40-60% cheaper than mines.""
What is the typical cost of condo insurance in new jersey?
What is the typical cost of condo insurance in new jersey?
Where can i find the cheapest insurance??
im 19. i live in california. ive never been in an accident and ive never gotten a ticket. i drive a 2004 suzuki forenza and i pay almost 200 dollars a month for insurance!!! i have to have full coverage because im still paying off my car, but come on i think thats a little ridiculous.. its more than my car payment. Any idea where i can get it cheaper and if so, how do i go about changing it?? any help is greatly appreciated!""
California Temporary Driver's License?
I'm 20 years old and have a valid UK driver's lisence. As I am now living in California, I was given a 'California Temporary Driver's License'. This expired yesterday but I have my behind the wheel test on Monday (12/7/09). Is this expiration going to be an issue? I did mention it at the DMV office, but the woman just ignored my question as if it was stupid and continued to book my test. Surely it means I am not licensed to drive a vehicle on my test date? Also, the car I will be driving is fully insured by someone I live with, and it is her name that is on the insurance documents. The policy insures anybody with a valid license- can I use this for the test providing it passes all their other requirements referred to on their website? Thank you in advance for any help. I have searched through all DMV related sites but this issue is never addressed.""
How much will my insurance go up after dui in ny?
OK so i recently was caught for a DUI in NY state , i am under my sister's insurance (geico) and the car is in my name....i want to know how much will the insurance go up even though my sister never had a claim and i am under her...""
Car insurance help needed?
How do I get insurance for every 6 months? Like do I pay a small amount every month? Is it better to call local insurances from yellow pages or the other like State Farm, progressive etc""
Car Insurance In Virginia?
I'm 19, First time driver, 1 Child, Car paid in full, Live in the 22031 area (fairfax), Had a seatbelt ticket before I obtained my license, Female. I want to know which insurance would be best suited for me, I dont need the quotes, I just want advice (from expierience) on where to get quotes from first. I have my permit, and will have my license in 25 days. I'm looking into cars right now, and should have one chosen in the next 2 weeks. I know the car will change what the insurance is, but I have not chosen it. I know I want an automatic 4 door sedan Used. Not sure on mileage yet. Leaning towards Nissan Altima. Any advice???""
What are your opinions about the different car insurance companies? Which one is the best?
I currantly have Geico for our auto insurance. They are cheap but i am seeing why. thier customer service SUCKS. i would really like some opinions on different car insurace companies. Thanks!!
17 pregnant wirh no health insurance.?
I am 17 I turn 18 in June. I found out yesterday that I am 8 weeks pregnant.. I have no health insurance and am wondering what to do?! Is there a way I can get health insurance so I can go to the doctor for me and the baby? Please help.
Cheapest car insurance in Massachusetts for a new driver?
I'm buying a car soon and will need insurance too.
Does my husband need car insurance?
When I signed up for car insurance my broker told me that when my husband receives his driver's license he has to be put on the insurance. My husband got his license now, but he never drives. I drive, and have insurance. He rides his bike or the bus when he needs to get around. He tells me there's no need to have insurance for him since he doesn't drive anyway. My question is: by law, do we have to purchase car insurance for my husband even if he doesn't own a car and doesn't drive mine? Or was the broker just saying that for business purposes? I just want to be informed and do the right thing, whatever it may be. Thanks in advance.""
I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-much-insurance-cost-16-year-old-kid-licence-caridade-ma"
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Text
29/05/2017
Somewhere outside Namibia
The past few days seemed to have passed so quickly, yet at the same time going through it, it felt like it would take forever to go by. We arrived at our first port, Walvis Bay – Namibia, on the 26th of May morning, only to be told to go to anchorage because reasons. So we basically anchored off at Anchorage number 3 or whatever it was called, because there wasnt anyone there save for this one other multi purpose who seemed to have only 4 containers loaded. 1 on each corner of the upper deck/ hatch covers (2 forward, port and starboard and 2 in front of accomodation, also port and starboard). Anyway, we spent the rest of the day resting up after dropping anchor (9 on deck) because once we berthed it was all hands on deck. For the AB and OS at least anyway. I was relegated to gangway watch from 1730 to 2330, and conversely 0530 to 1130. But prior to my first gangway watch, i was stuck in the ship office with chief answering to the beck and call of the various parties boarding the ship. Immigrations, customs, port inspectors, police, health inspectors etc etc. Sometimes it feels like we are at their mercy. They can just call for you like calling some waiter or waitress at a restuarant.
“You, come here. I want a copy of your ship particulars, NIL list, stores decleration, crew list, vaccination list.” and barely a few minutes later after having to sort through what seemed like a million pieces of paper locating all these documents he calls again and asks where are the papers. All this while i have to serve him with a smile water and soft drinks. I guess thats the price we must pay for doing what we do.
Also, i had my first taste of the 'compliments' system. The immigration officers (if i remember correctly) asked chief about certain 'presents'. With a sheepish look he replied to hold on for a moment while he checked if there was anything. Eventually we handed over a carton of cigarettes to them. That was the only instance i saw at this port because i had to go start my duty at the gangway.
The stevedores are another group of people entirely. This port didnt seem too bad, but there was this one guy that kept trying to get things from me/us. Water, some form of drinks, cigarettes. Hell he even wanted my boiler suit and jacket. Also quite surprising some other guy asked me for our ship's pass holder, which is to say the plastic holder and lanyard. He said it was good to hold his port pass. Well, i had more in the ship office, but they were spares for us and in the pass box i didnt have any so i just said thats all we have and sorry.
What i dont understand throughout this first stay, and for sure all the future stays in ports is, that why do people want to take things from the ships when they, rightfully (or not) should be giving us things because we are out at sea with no chance of resupply till we get to a port. I was told stories that inspectors would come on board and take cartons of juices, yes cartons, because they never had it before or they like the taste or whatever clown reasons they have. I mean, is it really fair to people on the ship? You take our provisions and other things and what are we left with when we leave port? Especially when we are not resupplying at that port. We go out to sea with reduced food and drink for ourselves? If we had to go back to Singapore from Walvis Bay, lets say (because thats the journey i know, since i just did it) its 22 days or so out in the open sea. And we run out of food? Drinks? Then again thats just my thinking. Who am i anyway? Im just a cadet on a ship for the first time.
Anyway enough of that. The 3 days we spent at port was both long and short, as i have mentioned. It feels short now that we've set sail again (and that i finally feel a bit more rested to sit down and spend time writing these things out), but standing at the gangway doing duty for 6 hours straight felt like an eternity. And thats all there was for my port stay. 6 hours on duty, 6 hours rest. Which usually meant sleeping, no matter what was the time. I didnt get to go out on shore because no one from my 'shift' wanted to go. So i can safely say that the furthest ive been in Namibia was the 4th step on my gangway from my ship.
Also, whoever said that Africa is hot, should actually go to africa. At least the southern part. It was so cold my goodness. It was below 15 degrees everyday we were there, and dropped to anything from 12 to 14 degrees at night. Which isnt so bad actually, except for the fact that the wind will absolutely kill you if you dont dress warmly. Which for us meant long johns, boiler suit and thick jackets. The first night, where i did not have my jacket was the absolute worst night of them all. The wind was relentless in its battering and i had to resort to hiding in the space between the watertight door and inner door to the ships accomodation area. It wasnt that bad in the day, with the sun warming up the air a bit. But i still wore the jacket anyway, simply for the fact that i can hide from the winds this way. Also, it was really foggy/misty, like everyday. Usually clears around noon-ish or so, then picks up again at night. I would delve into meteorology but ill spare everyone and myself included for trying to think about the causes.
For the port itself, it was quite a small port i think. I mean, you cant compare it to Singapore/Shanghai/any top 5 ports you want to put here, but still it feels smaller than what i would have expected it to be. There were maybe like 20 berths in total? And even the cranes are general purpose, none of them were specially fitted for containers. So that meant that if you were unloading containers first, they would attach this special fixture onto the chain block of the crane and when in position, the stevedores would make sure that the container was firmly attached before lifting it off the ship and onto the jetty. Even then, it didnt look anything like what was happening in Singapore (ive been into pasir panjang thrice now. Basically there would be the trailer waiting to pick up the container straight off the crane and drive off, with the next one waiting behind). Instead the container was lifted off the ship and onto the jetty straight away, and just before placing it on the jetty, the stevedores would again remove the twist locks from the bottom section of the containers (twist locks are for holding the container in place while at sea. Its basically a locking mechanism that makes sure that the container stays in place). Then after they check the container number and stuff, they would get another vehicle, like a special forklift cum crane thing that would pick it up and place it onto a trailer that basically just arrived from wherever. In singapore, this process would be maybe 5 minutes start to finish. Here its essentially double the time at least. Then once all the containers that are supposed to be unloaded are unloaded, the crane brings the chain block down to the jetty level, and the stevedores remove the attachment and replaces it with a suitable replacement as to what cargo would be picked up next, i.e. Slings, chain slings, hooks etc etc for picking up the bulk/general cargo. We unloaded quite a bit of cargo here. We unloaded all of the containers on number 4 hatch, and i think some from number 2 hatch as well, and basically emptied out hold 4. We also did some sketchy balls to the walls discharging from hatch 2. Because there was cargo on the deck/hatch cover, on the tween deck and also in the lower hold of number 2. Luckily they were all on the forward part. So we opened up hatch 2 forward part after discharging the cargo on the deck, then discharged the cargo on the tween deck forward in number 2, then removed the pontoon, and then discharged the cargo from the lower hold forward section also. It was pretty risky as there were trucks and some transformers in the hold, to be precise it was 16 trucks. Dont ask me about number of transformers, i dont know. Anyway from the cargo we are carrying, it seems a lot of it is being used to build a power plant and also for construction (trucks w/ trailers). I am quite happy to be a part of this industry for this reason.
We may not be directly involved, but we somewhat enable countries to grow because they are able to get the goods that they need to progress. It may seem somewhat abstract, like what has a shipping company, whose interest is making the most money out of every space they can find on the ship, got to do with the growth of a country?
Chief said this to me before, and i had somewhat similar thoughts about it before (its probably not exactly what he said, since this was like one or two weeks ago and it was about cargo damage or something);
If the cargo doesnt get to its destination on time or in working order, we are affecting someone's livelihood directly or indirectly. We are part of a long chain of a process, and no matter how small it may seem that it is, what happens to the cargo when we are transporting it affects what will happen when we deliver it to the cargo owner.
If the cargo owner is shipping a single transformer that is critical for the project, and it gets damaged because of loading/unloading/sea spray/water leaking into cargo hold or literally anything else that can damage it, it would directly affect its ability to carry out the job. If this transformer was all thats left to power up a whole town or something (dont hang me on this i actually am not sure what a transformer's purpose is), and because it was damaged, it means that the town would not get the power that it needs.
So yeah. Thats one of the reasons why I wanted to do this as well. As small and abstract a part as it may seem, I can take solace to the fact that I am part of a global industry that connects and enables people from different countries to work together.
At least on this multipurpose vessel. Im not too sure about containers yet.
Anyway when we were in port, 2nd officer went out on shore leave and i think at the request of the captain, purchased sim cards enough for 16 people or something like that. The cards gave us 1gb of data and like 500mb or something for dedicated whatsapp messages. And smses, but who uses sms nowadays right /shrug.
So we were able to actually contact people at home and stuff. Which was nice. It helped a lot during the ungodly long hours of duty. I spent most of my data i think downloading my spotify playlists and using instagram, telegram, facebook and stuff. I still had like 300mb of whatsapp data but i dont really use whatsapp that much. I spent a lot of the data sending some pictures and videos that i had that werent already transferred to my laptop.
And that's that. My 3 days in my first ever port in this new journey. Hopefully the time would pass a bit faster now that we are getting into the swing of things.
Im in the process of deciding a new tumblr url, for the purposes of this journal or whatever you would call it.
Now that im back in the open sea with no data, i cant translate properly into german since my german is absolutely shit for all, but i was thinking of salty sea dog, which i guess would translate to something like saltzliches see hund. Oh well. Or i could just go with Deutsche See Hund. Im still deciding.
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