#i need to be so clear that this isnt a joke im being so truthful rn

[midnight-surgery]

phobias are so weird i just saw a photo of a boat propeller underwater and got so scared that i gagged LMAO

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

but also the way the doctor’s warped view of themself and like, life? idk, shows itself so beautifully in that beach scene

“it’s what my life is”

no bestie youre mentally Unwell asdhfjhgjg

im joking but like thats what it is. thats what the doctor made. thats what the doctor is because the person underneath made it so

with 12 it was like, it’s the immortality that does this right? thats what it seemed like it was. everyone else dying. you cant keep your loved ones. same with drama king 10 burden of a timelord and all that. and sure theres some truth to that but it’s like river said. it just means time.

loss is inevitable but it’s not the doctor’s only, or even Main, issue. or maybe it is, maybe it has been, maybe it’s just with 13 that this has changed, or maybe loss has been a nice heavy blanket over All The Other Stuff

the doctor in new who has been grieving since we met them. it took 4 regenerations to process the time war. the doctor Knows what loss is, the doctor knows what grief feels like. the doctor in general i dont think has a particularly good idea of whats going on in their head. they act on feelings that they cant quite identify, or cant track the source of, or identify too late. theyre scared of their anger and theyre scared of their love because both make them act before they can think (rip torvic)

ive said before but i still believe that both the doctor and the master are intensely emotion-driven but the master knows this about themself. the master either leans in (simm) or tries to contain (missy) or is being torn between the two (dhawan). when the master is acting out they Know. whether they can stop or steer themself probably varies case by case but they are Aware.

the master Knows what hes doing in spyfall and i think he despises it because it demonstrates such a great amount of control that the doctor holds over them without the doctor even being entirely aware of that control? i think?

i dont think the doctor realises that emotional control they inadvertedly have over the master, because i dont think the doctor is as aware of how either they or the master are driven by their emotions. the master is aware. of both of them.

point is, the doctor knows grief. they can identify grief, they can make nice monologues about it. but thats sort of it? i dont think they have as clear a view on any other complex emotional states they experience.

with 13 it’s like she came into the world with this blanket of grief ripped off. like of course shes grieving, she lost everyone, she loses grace, but that big clear visible and comprehensible blanket of Time War Grief has been removed.

i think maybe before, any other underlying complex emotions the doctor had would be filtered through the time war grief blanket. guilt, shame, anger, all could be tied to I Killed Them All. Im The Last One (”bill, this is missy, the Other Last Of The Time Lords”). 13 doesnt have that. thats gone. “new can be very scary”

shes dealing with all of the emotions that shes previously had but theres no framework at all. one singular lense for understanding all your emotions isnt necessarily ideal (that much fucking shows in 9-12) but at least it gives you the feeling that youve got a grip on something. you have a way to understand even if it doesnt make you understand right. it gives you a feeling of control even when you draw wrong conclusions. 13 doesnt have that. it’s just all noise. it’s just all noise and theres no way to make sense of it.

and it makes it very clear the things that are going on underneath, that have been there always but were filtered through Time War. the “they’ll get it all wrong without me”, the “well i have to be, because you guys need help”, the Doctor.

the doctor is a title and a function it’s not a name. titles are earned and functions are performed. what are you when you dont live up to your title and you fail at performing your function? well not the doctor thats for sure

I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name, because I won't be the Doctor any more.

DOCTOR: I help where I can. I will not fight. OHILA: Because you are the good man, as you call yourself? DOCTOR: I call myself the Doctor. OHILA: It's the same thing in your mind. DOCTOR: I'd like to think so. OHILA: In that case, Doctor, attend your patient. (Cass is brought in and laid on the altar stone. The Doctor scans her with his screwdriver.) OHILA: You're wasting your time. She is beyond even our help. DOCTOR: She wanted to see the universe. OHILA: She didn't miss much. It's very nearly over. DOCTOR: I could have saved her. I could have got her off, but she wouldn't listen. OHILA: Then she was wiser than you. She understood there was no escaping the Time War. You are a part of this, Doctor, whether you like it or not. DOCTOR: I would rather die. OHILA: You're dead already. How many more will you let join you? If she could speak, what would she say? DOCTOR: To me? Nothing. I'm a Time Lord. Everything she despised. OHILA: She would beg your help, as we beg your help now. The universe stands on the brink. Will you let it fall? Fast or strong, wise or angry. What do you need now? (The Doctor fingers Cass' baldric.) DOCTOR: Warrior. OHILA: Warrior? DOCTOR: I don't suppose there's a need for a doctor any more. Make me a warrior now.

a man is the sum of his memories, a time lord even more so. but memory is fallible, and very subject to change. i think more important than the memories is the narrative that is made from them. and what that narrative is titled – doctor, master. thats that what defines your continuity. whether you can turn the page and keep writing the same book.

theres something about the doctor being this Idea right? a spirit of hope and friendship that can spreads,,,, like a virus. right? like cybermen. it’s the idea of the doctor that makes them continue, replicate.

but that also makes the doctor not unique. and i guess none of us is really unique but also most of us dont have a name thats a title and a job and we dont spread our reason of being everywhere we go.

and i think it makes the doctor stronger, in a way, when they inspire people to act like they would. except, circling back, the doctor cant see themself that well. not as well as other people can. when people close to them start copying, they dont usually copy the bits the doctor would like to see copied. they copy the parts that they cant see very well because it doesnt fit The Story, it doesnt fit in the book titled The Doctor. it goes in books titled Oncoming Storm, and Butcher of Skull Moon, and War Doctor. it goes in books titled The Master, even, sometimes.

where was i going with this-

oh yeah. “i cant fix myself to anything, anywhere, or anyone”

theres a person under there somewhere who got so hurt that they had to construct,,, like a diving suit, or a spacesuit more apt, an orange one probably, to be able to stay in the world at all. a protective layer through which they can affect, but never be directly touched, or seen, beyond their general shape, and their face. and through the suit they are Helpful. because if theyre not here to make things better for other people who are hurt, if they cant help, if they cant cure, if they cant fix things, then whats the point in being here at all?

you know how coping mechanisms can turn counterproductive or harmful when youre removed from the situation in which they developed?

im broken, she says, i cant touch anything. i cant touch anything and i dont know how to make it better and making things better is what i do. it’s what i am. it’s all i am. because i made it so.

“it’s what my life is”

it betrays such a lack of control. It Is What It Is. my life is like this. i am like this. the doctor is this. and the doctor is the cage ive built around myself.

and that “because i might” feels to me like “mostly....angry”. like, a tiny revelation. not enough to put even a tiny dent in like the black box of lack of self-knowledge but you have to start somewhere. you have to start with ‘i dont think i want this anymore’ before you can figure out how to get to what you do want

[gretagerwigsmuse]

ok i think my thoughts are coherent enough to discuss part 2

there something about bradley never wanting smart aleck to feel embarrassed or forced to put on a fake smile, or just generally uncomfortable with his work, which leads him to accidentally making her feel all those things and more that is like. very poetic. in a sad way. and it started with him just wanting to be bradley and nothing else, and wanting to have a clear separation between work and life, since what he does for work can so easily become all consuming. and so he just creates this divide, never really thinking about what it looks like from the outside, and by the time he does realize that what hes doing maybe isnt healthy or just good for a partnership, its too late and he doesnt know how to address it. and they both care about each other so so so much that they are willing to hurt themselves for the other, willing to stay at home as too not embarrass their partner, willing to spend hours at an event alone so as to not embarrass their partner, all while what they really want to do is be there for each other no matter what.

i kinda get the feeling that smart aleck is the first serious relationship bradley has had, especially in regards to him knowing he wants it to go somewhere? like im sure hes had a few longer relationships but he was probably never like "yeah im gonna marry them" and it was more of a "see where it goes kinda thing". so he probably has to work a bit more at the communication. i do think however that they fit so well together and so much can go unspoken but totally understood between them that sometimes bradley forgets they cant actually read each others minds and understand each other 100% of the time.

but anyway enough of the sappy shit. actually no i lied the idea of them being domestic and not living together but grocery shopping together cause they are going to be eating all thee food together is so sweet. they dont live together but they do. its just a matter of which place they are at. i feel like bradley would be the type to ask her to move in even if it seemed like it would traditionally be "too soon".

ok now im done with the sappy shit. THAT SHOWER SEX SCENE?!?!?! HOLY FUCK. his love of the soapy titties, thinking about how he needs ask for soapy titty pics on his next deployment.. yes king live your truth. also i must say i loved him teasing her about being his sugar mommy. i just know he makes that joke more and more in their relationship and at first shes like "Bradley dont you dare" but then one night she kinda leans into the sugar mommy thing and is like "oh wait yeah actually i do want to spoil my bubs". anyway i cant wait for the actual gala

AHHHHHH this was so much and so sweet!! thank you tiernan!!!

yes smart aleck is definitely bradley's most serious relationship! he's had two partners in the past that he was with longer term, but like you said, not on the oh i'm going to marry them level? i feel like before mav came back and bradley kind of gets his own new found-family, he kind of accepted the idea that it just wasn't in the cards for him to get married or to have a family of his own? because he had the navy and he had friends and he just got comfortable with it? and so when he's presented with this opportunity to have this life where he can just be bradley - you're my bradley, i weep - and just be himself and his own person - when he hasn't really had that opportunity since before his mom died - his brain short circuits a little and he's like shit i still have to keep these separate?

so yeah, there is something very sad, yet poetic in that - for both of them, really! i also feel like not seeing his parents together and in love during his formative years also shaped him in not really knowing what an adult relationship looks like? tbh his only example was probably maverick and i doubt that was entirely...helpful

the only real reason she still has her apartment is because of the pool and that her peloton is still there lol. when they finally move in together and eventually get engaged, she makes bradley put a plunge pool in the backyard and there's a whole issue with getting the permit and she 'takes care of it' since bradley is too nice. i just love the idea of shared routines with couples and shared domesticity? so yes i will always throw in something like them going grocery shopping or just talking about work or something because that's the stuff that really makes up a relationship - not that showerhead sex and soapy titty pics aren't important buuuuuut yeah live your truth bubs!!

anywhooooo thank you again for such a lovely comment/ask! 🥰🥰

[okamixxiii]

Elijah 01

Being on tumblr makes me wanna feel more homely and less professional and then I suddenly remember I can just like,, lore dump anytime I want and post out of a time schedule just like back in 2014. Anyways someone on Deviant Art asked about Elijah! So ill be chatting about him in this moment. Cant say today because LMAO Ill probably be back on here later talking about another oc.

I dont really talk about him as much as I should and I have very few content of him in it. Truth is I purposely dont really expand on him as much as to try and bend/taint his character that I fleshed out for him to be. Its something that happens quite often when I try to dive too deep and I find that by a fault a lot of my characters end up feeling the same-- to me at least. So its a preventative measure.  Here IS what i have about him though: Elijah Alan Spence, Agent Spence, Code name Black Rabbit, or for some: Eli!  He’s an elite agent that has worked his way up through T.K.E.A ranks (ill make a t.k.e.a thing later just check lore tag or somn before I actually decide to learn how to structure my text posts). Although he’s an elite agent dont think that his views align with what T.K.E.A is doing. Hes mostly a ‘good’ guy wrapped up in bad things type deal since I love doing that for some reason.  The initial belief was that he could work his way up and change it that way but its clear that because of him being brought into the agency as only an agent that there was a dead end when it comes to working yourself up to more ceo levels. The highest you can go would be what he is; an elite.  When he realized that was also when he realized that T.K.E.A basically silences any defective agents so there was no way to change things without getting himself murdered. So he was put in a space where he had to continue his job while figuring out how to fix things undercover.  Unfortunately until Chris (when T.K.E.A really started fucking up) there wasnt anything that was really pushing him to just make the jump without thinking.    Now I know that sounds weak ended on his part but let me explain something:  Elijah was very very inspired by tah-dah! 

BBC Sherlock! *1# on all time favorite and comfort shows to watch and HAS seen it 10 times in total. No, Im not joking.*

So if you picked up on this, congratulations! Here's a cookie. Now that means in this he has a very similar qualities as Sherlock Holmes that he cannot operate without thinking things through. Not until a time really calls for it. I am NOT saying that Christian Edens is his John, gods no. In fact his “john” actually was his partner (in the work sense) died at a job.  Its just more or so the situation with Chris was a final straw, one that really made Elijah say ‘enough is enough!’. He may seem brief and brutally honest on the outside that often makes him come across as an asshole but on the inside he truly does have a heart for those in need and a drive to stride for something better for everyone. Its just he will be doing it in his own way and gods forbid if anyone tried to change his direction he laid out for himself. Hes very stubborn. 

Elijah took the cards he was dealt with and made the absolute most of them of what he could. It just, wasnt enough at the time.

Hes highly intelligent, though bit rough around the edges when it comes to socialization. Like Sherlock again as his inspiration, he can make quick deductions but has a hard time keeping his mouth shut when he makes those deductions. Not everyone enjoys his honesty and way of ‘no bullshitting’.  Just because he has a heart doesnt mean he isnt a bit egotistical at times either. Its just not all the time. its like “hey look at how smart I am!”.  Other things to note is wow! Hes a rabbit shifter! His pronouns are he/him strictly and hes *sighs* straight. One of the very f e w ocs I have that are cishet. Though sometimes I do make some interesting hcs about him at least trying things. >_> Idk if ill put those here though. They are sexual in nature. LOL

[voidselfshipp]

Party gone...not so wrong

Cw: mentions of wine. (To describe dion.ysus)

Only mutuals okay to reblog. Ask to tag.

Summary: Nova isnt feeling too good on her party, dionysus decides its his chance to talk to them.

Pairing: Nova X Dionysus (ha.des)

Taglist: @tex-treasures

A/n: Recomended to listen to "The cult of dionysus by the orion experience"

Nova sighed looking down at her feet,they werent fond of parties, specially not with this Many people.

Only thing that made It barely worth it was in dionysus. Yep. They had it bad for the god of wine.

He was charming, and funny, and they would not have enough courage to talk to him. Slay monsters? Yeah, hunt Giant beasts? Absolutely. But talking to a cute guy? Nope. Not happening.

"This music is way too loud..." they thought, walking away from the hulking crowd "this was supposed to be my party. To celebrate I was becoming a huntress of artemis...I kinda feel bad for not enjoying myself".

Unbeknownst to the hunter, dionysus was watching them, he was itching to get to know Artemis' New huntress, he had heard amazing things from the goddess of the hunt.

He saw them scurry away to a quiter space, sitting down on a nearby bench and just...sulk.

So, trying to Keep as much people off of him as he could, the god of wine made his way towards Nova,who, inmediatly after noticing him approaching, straightened their back.

--Why, hello there, Nova I suppose?-- He asked.

--Yes, I am Nova, nice meeting you, Lord Dionysus-- they answered quite nervous.

--Oh no need for formalities, its a pleasure to meet you too, if I May ask,however, why is it that youre here, sulking by yourself? This is your party after all

--well-- They started-- parties arent much my style. But the townspeople decided to throw a party anyway... though id rather be somewhere quieter

Dionysus nodded-- I admitt the folk here are a bit too much, May I be so bold as to ask if youd like to run away somewhere else?

Nova seemed stunned-- I uh-uhm...yes,please? --he offered his hand and they took it sneakily slipping off towards the forest, seeing this, they couldnt help but ask-- Dionysus? Where are we going?

--You said you wanted to be somewhere quiet, and I know from good faith that you like forests and nature! So thats where we are going!

Soon they got to a quiet clearing,the moon was shining down on them, lighting up the treeless spot.

--ah, much better dont you think?-- said dionysus, sitting down on the Grass, patting the spot besides him.

--Yeah, much better-- Nova agreed sitting down with him-- its...peaceful

Now that it was only the two of them , the god took a moment to observe his companion, who was quietly growing a beautiful vine of blossomed grape vine flowers, tying it with sunflowers and roses.

"What a gentle soul..." he pondered "how quiet they are...".

--Dionysus? This is for you-- Nova commented, snapping him out of his trance.

He let them put the flower crown on his hair, and smiled-- thank you it is beautifully crafted

--heh,I appreciate that-- then the both of them looked at the Sky. In silence.

It wasnt unconfortable, just neither of them know what to speak about.

--Congratulations on being named a hunter of artemis, by the way-- the god of wine was the first one to break the quiet-- you must have worked very hard for that

--i did indeed, Many years of training-- the hunter responded-- thank you for taking me here, its better...-- Nova looked up at the stars-- artemis always jokes im a star, thats were my name comes from...

-- Nova Also means new, so New star...Also very fitting-- the god followed up-- you sure are like a batch of fresh air, and you shine like a star, I can tell by only looking at you, youre a good person, yknow?

His companion smiled, looking away from the night Sky-- I appreciate that

-- If you dont mind, once this night is over, could I ask you out?...on a date? Truth is ive been meaning to meet you sooner, never got the chance to, until now, that is-- the god proposed, scratching the back of his neck.

--Why of course, ive been meaning to talk to you, but I didnt have enough courage to pull it off, as you said though, until now

Dionysus Turned to them and smiled-- how about I take you out on a stroll, we can take a basket, fill it with food and take a blanket...we could have lunch in this very clearing tomorrow

--That sounds nice, why not-- after telling him the place where their hut was placed, they added-- I also wanted to dance tonight, guess thats the only bad thing of leaving the party, huh?

--not at all! We can dance togheter, right here-- with a snap of his fingers, a band of musicians appeared, they were made of purple light, And the song they played was slow and romantic.

They held eachother closely as they danced, smiling through it all in silence.

Then, when the night was over, Nova invited the god to stay at their hut, Dionysus didnt complain and now they were cuddled up in bed, with the god caressing the hunters hair.

They were half asleep, holding for dear life on their companion, who only looked at them as if they hung the moon and stars.

"Such a gentle soul"he thought, pulling the human for a quick kiss, and though half asleep, they kissed back to the best of their abilities.

--good night, my star-- the god muttered closing his eyes and Relaxing, planning on what to take to their first date.

[thisdreamplace]

wanted to post some of my successes today, because the law is always working.

be playful guys. this is something i am constantly reminding myself of. life isnt meant to be so heavy, and even as i write that, my heart feels a little reluctant. but its true, it really is.

some manifestations today:

- extra shifts! this was more bittersweet HAHA. i work 2 jobs, but i hadnt been at one in weeks. the department i work in is low on hours for part timers and i prefer my other job anyway. but i knew i should go in, so i thought about going in on tuesday and thursday. well, monday night i got offered to come in on tuesday, so that was easy!! i wasnt going to work there again. but then wednesday came around and they really needed help thursday morning, so i reluctantly took the shift haha. definitely was able to trace this back to my thoughts even though it wasnt exactly desirable. at moments like this i like to laugh and be light hearted about it.

- my friend called me today, after i was feeling kind of down about this area of my life. he playfully hung up on me over a joke i made and we’re both kind of stubborn so i didnt call him back. i just decided he’d call me back. decided it was done. i took a nap, and woke up and he still hadnt called. after acknowledging this i just reminded myself its done then like 10 mins later he called just to show me this funny video hahaha clearly he could have just texted it, but im god of my reality and i wanted a call and so therefore thats what i got :)

some words if wisdom i’d like to share with you all:

🌹last night as i read through various success stories for motivation, i stumbled across some much needed words. one of these was that reacting simply means attaching a story to an emotion. this was probably the most clear way i have ever seen this explained! it really opened my eyes and allowed me feel some compassion for myself, as i’d just spent hours crying.

this is a reminder that, when you are facing difficult emotions you dont have to attach a story to them anymore. crying doesnt mean your sp isnt coming. getting angry doesnt mean you arent getting your dreams car. these are just emotions that our god selves decided they wanted to feel through our human experience. but emotions dont indicate anything about your manifestations. lets work towards eliminating this belief, together. 💖

🌹they also said, when your desires come isnt measured by whether or not you are still being triggered by your circumstances. what really matters more, is faith dominating your fears.

reading this comforted me so much. i have often found myself measuring my success through how much i react. deep down, i have felt, finally! i am starting to not react as much. i have EARNED my desire. after feeling this way, i have been faced with something that makes me react big time, which then leads me to feeling disappointed in myself, which then leads to hours of tears. haha

but no, you dont have to stop emotionally reacting and your desire will still come.

the whole point of these little notes is to remind you, and myself, that our desires are coming regardless of anything. stepping into that knowing, relaxing into that truth is what we are meant to do. just relaxing and enjoying life. crying when we need to. its truly so simple, it almost seems wrong. but no, this is the way to effortless manifesting. we are gods of our realities, even when we dont feel like it.

lots of love 💖

[goldenlionimagines]

Hi!! Could you please do “don’t stand up yet” with Claude?? Thank you so much for your hard work and sharing your writing with us all :)

okok listen this isnt angst but it was what came to my head im sorry

also it gets a lil steamy but not NSFW -Mod Bunny

 Prompt: “Don’t Stand Up Yet”

 Word Count: 2,582

  Claude struggled to get to his feet. Where was he? Where were his allies? His friends?

 “Don’t stand up yet. You’re still hurt, seeing as that injury on your leg got infected.” He turned himself towards her, seeing what looked to be a bandit. She had an axe leaning against the wall, and hanging from it was… Failnaught? “Your bow and the clothes you were wearing were pretty fancy. What’s your name?”

 Shit. He needed a good lie, one that wouldn’t make him desirable to the Empire. “Lorenz Hellman Glouscter.” He stated. His friend from school had become allies with Edelgard. He watched her pick up her axe from the ground, leaving Failnaught where it had been.

 “Oh, the Glouscters are allied with Edelgard, right? Then, I can probably sell you to Duke Reigan of the Alliance at high price once you’re healed up. I wanna make an ally of that man.” She began shining her axe, checking the blade.

 “Hmm? Why’s that?” Claude pried. 

 She laughed. “It’s stupid… But I’m from the Alliance. With this war going on, I want a chance to fight in the war for my homeland. Plus, some of our allies in the territory have said the new Duke is pretty attractive, and that’s a sight I’d like to see.” She joked.

 Claude had to stop a blush from rushing to his cheeks. Of course, the girl he was talking to wasn’t exactly unattractive. “I wouldn’t say you’re not too pretty yourself. What do you think of me? Think I could stand against what you’ve heard about Duke Reigan?” 

 She laughed a bit. “Well, I’m sure I’ve seen more of you then I’ll ever see of Duke Reigan from when I put your bandages on. But, from what I have seen,,, I’m sure you could give him a pretty good run for his money.” She smiled. “Anyway, I’m gonna go get a drink before I go to sleep. Want one?”

 “No thanks. I don’t drink.”

-

 Funnily enough, Claude and Y/N became pretty good friends. Sometimes, they would make each other laugh and laugh (Usually, more so when Y/N would drink). She was pretty good at treating his wounds, as well as cooking as he came to find. 

 One night, Claude was having trouble with his back. Maybe it was from the lack of walking, or  being forced to sleep on such a hard surface. He saw Y/N come into their tent and told her, “Hey, I’m in a good amount of pain. Don’t suppose you have anything to help me with that?” He asked.

 She laughed. “You’re getting brave asking me for extra pain management. I really shouldn’t give it to you.” She went over to her bag, which was in a separate corner from the weapons she was keeping. “This is a bit that I keep for myself, but I figure I can share just this once.” She pulled out a glass bottle, which seemed to contain a viscous, clear liquid.

He sat up, watching her walk behind him. She removed his shirt. “Thank you for this. Is that oil?” He asked her. He pulled one leg closer to him, but kept his infected leg stretched out. He heard the clink of the glass bottle opening, and then heard her rubbing her hands together. 

 “It is. We got them while stealing from some Noble’s place. He had a whole assortment of them.” She placed her hands on his shoulders, beginning to massage his shoulders and neck. She felt his breath becoming slow and heated, obviously enjoying the sensation. “Now tell me, how is that leg of yours doing?”

 “It’s getting better, I’m sure all thanks to you. The attention you’ve been giving me has been nothing short of spectacular. You’re even better than most of the nurses back home, even if you aren’t a nurse.” He expressed. He felt her hands travel down his back, and could feel her use more oil whenever she needed, but only ever removing one hand.

 “Thank you for the praise, even if I’m not sure it’s deserved. How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?” She asked.

 “It’s incredible, thank you.” He couldn’t help but moan a bit in pleasure as she hit a certain spot on his back. She smirked, sitting forward so that her head was hovering just next to his ear, and rubbing the spot a bit harder.

 “Does it really feel that good? You should give higher praise if you’re going to moan like that in front of a lady. Oh, and that reminds me.” She began to whisper. “I heard a little rumor from some Northern Tribes, who do trade with a few Northern Pirates from Almyra.”

 He could hear the little noises he was making, not even really paying attention to what she was saying. “Oh, well what did you hear?” He whispered back. What was in that oil?

 “I heard that Claude Von Riegan… Looks quite a bit like Crown Prince Khalid from Almyra. But, you wouldn’t know anything about that… Would you?” She moved herself to his front, straddling his waist and beginning to rub his abs and chest, meanwhile making eye contact. “You, with such lovely tanned skin and brown hair. Your eyes are like jewels as well. And that white Wyvern we found while someone was delivering messages to us this morning…” 

 She pieced it together. She, who had only known him for 2 weeks. She had his wyvern? “I don’t know anything about Claude in that sense, but I doubt he’s from Almyra.” He stated, trying to stay calm as she hung her looseley arms around his neck.

 “I’m no fool, Khalid, as much as I’m sure you wish I were by now.” She watched his smile fade. “Don’t worry, I have no reason to out you, and I have no plans to either. Although, I wish you hadn’t lied by calling yourself the name of some Imperial Dog. If I hadn’t known who you were, I would have killed you for being Lorenz, even if we are in Imperial territory.”

 “It’s been a long time since I’ve been called that name…” He trailed. “Why are you so close to me? I know I’m attractive, but usually pretty girls don’t sit in my lap after giving me massages.” He winked at her, causing her to blush and laugh a little. 

 “I just told you that I know some pretty serious information for you to be teasing me like that.” She looked off. “Do you ever miss your home?”

 “Tons. I know I’ll return someday, but I really do miss it seemingly more every minute. I was taken to Fodlan one day, and forced into a Lord role I’m not quite sure I was really meant for. Now I can’t seem to go home until this war is over.” He explained. “Dimitri and Edelgard, even despite their questionable sanity, are much more cut out for leadership than me.”

 “Okay Master Tactician, then tell me,” She stood up, and Claude almost missed her warmth as she did. “Why did Hilda and her crew send me a correspondence saying they would pay any amount to have you back? They even detailed that even if it may take several weeks, they’ll get as much money as necessary together for them to be allowed to get you back.”

 His eyes widened. “They said that? They wanted me back that much?” He asked.

 “Believe it. Of course, I didn’t charge them a thing. Sent a message today for them to send a team ASAP to get you back to the Alliance free of charge.” She smiled at him, as his mouth hung open a bit. “Don’t be dramatic, I just wanna go back to having my own tent. Maybe if you’re lucky they’ll be here in a week. Maybe.”

 “Thank you…” He said quietly. She seemed to be telling the truth, even if he didn’t expect her to do something like that. She was someone he couldn’t read, and certainly didn’t understand. Was she actually out for herself?  Or was there another motive to everything she did?

 She sat down behind him again, and he heard the clink of her glass bottle once more. “You’re going to keep going?” He asked quietly.

 “Do you want me to stop?” 

 “No.”

-

A week later, his leg was basically fine. He could walk, and even run. He found out Y/N had been the one caring for his wyvern when he couldn’t, and it had taken quite a liking to her. She could scratch his neck and he would flip over for her to be able to rub his belly. This was a trick he had only really done for Claude in the past. 

 He had been caring for his wyvern alone when she came to him. “One of my patrols spotted a pink hair girl with a group headed this way. Is that your crew, or should I get worried?” He stood up to face her. “Those are my people, yeah. I guess it’s time to go then, unless you wanna keep me a little longer?”

 She shook her head, laughing. “Nah, I can’t. Besides, you’re too pretty to be in my business. I wouldn’t feel right keeping you here.” She stated, starting to walk away. He pulled her back, holding her close to him firmly.

 “You really think I’m weaker than you just because I’m pretty? Because if so, you’ve underestimated me.” He held her arms behind her back firmly. Their faces were so close… it was a strange feeling. They seemed to get this close almost too often now, as though it were a habit. Khalid’s natural flirtatiousness always made her wonder whether he was messing with her or not, which bothered her to a great extent.

  “Fine, you’re stronger, can you please let me go now?” She asked. In less than an hour, he’d be gone, and she wouldn’t need to worry about him anymore. Why was she worried to begin with? He was just… Claude Von Riegan. Not Khalid. Not extremely attractive, secretly Almyran, Khalid. He was just a Lord from the Alliance.

 He moved his face closer. She could feel his breath on her mouth. “No.” He stated. Why was he doing this? What was his game? Was it just teasing her? 

“Do you want me to kiss you?” He asked after a considerably long pause.

“...”

“You’re not saying no.” His voice was low, and his grip was strong. She couldn’t think enough to say anything in the moment. There weren’t words that were coming to her in the moment. She could feel herself blushing brightly as she closed her eyes.

 His lips were so soft.

  “Claude!” Someone else called. He quickly disconnected from her, letting her go, but still standing next to her. They saw a girl with green hair, and a boy with green hair run towards Claude. “Claude!!” She exclaimed again, jumping up and hugging him. 

 “Hilda was really worried, and so was I.” Green hair explained. “We spent a while searching the area, but figured something had happened when we couldn’t. We kept sending out scouts, and just when we were about to give up, someone found their leader with your Wyvern. He sent us back a message, and judging by how nice he was, I guess we really lucked out.”

 Hilda looked over at Y/N. “And who are you?” She asked.

 “I’m the person who found Claude’s Wyvern. I’m sure if you’ve been running the alliance, I’m sure you can do the math.” She crossed her arms. This was not the first time people had been expecting a man there to greet them.

 “Oh, apologies. I’m Ignatz, and this is Hilda. Thank you for keeping Claude safe, it’s a debt we may never be able to repay.” He bowed, a bit embarrassed to have misinterpreted her gender right in front of her. She couldn’t make them pay for Claude now, right?

 “Wow, you’re really pretty!” Hilda said, walking up to Y/N. “How did you end up here, anyway? Do I know you from someplace?”

 “You’re Goneril, right? That’s where I grew up. My dad was from there, my mom did this her whole life. Mom dies and tells these folk I exist, and I get a once in a lifetime opportunity to travel and do as I please. That means with or without the law to guide me.” Y/N explained. “Maybe I went to school with you at some point.”

Hilda nodded. “Ever think you’ll return home?” She asked. “You could come back with us. Fight for the Alliance some? It could be a great thing to, y’know, have another pretty girl around to pick up some of my slack.”

  Y/N smiled, looking at Claude. “No. I think I’ll stay here. Keep the fun going, though, Hilda. There needs to be more pretty girls like us to show these men how to operate.” She gave Hilda a pat on the shoulder, before walking away.

-

 There was no one but him. Not now. He had asked his friends to go with Dimitri once he had given him the Alliance. The next part of the battle was his own to bear, not theirs. 

 It had been so long since he had this quiet. Not good all the time, but he had to admit, his mind kept drifting back to her and her tent. What had she wanted? It wasn’t actually to return home, or she would have. What had he wanted? Why had he gotten so close to her?

 He heard the front door open, and the tap of shoes against the empty floor. Who was there? He turned around, being greeted by a familiar face. “You sure bet a lot on his royal Highness. I can’t imagine myself doing that, but I guess that’s what makes you the master Tactician.”

“Y/N, what are you doing here?” He asked. He ran up in front of her. “Everything has been a mess since you left, but it seems to be clearing up now. Dimitri and Teach will make good leaders, and I-”

 “You get to go back to Almyra. Is that your big plan?” She asked.  

 “You guessed it. I’m going home to start struggling all over again. Nader is going to meet me there to help me. I want to make things better for my people, just like I’m sure Dimitri will do here.”  He smiled as she hung her arms around his neck.

 “Well, I heard that a final battle was happening for Derdriu. I thought I’d make sure you were okay, and it seems like you turned out alright. Of course, now you wanna leave alone…”

 “But?”

 “You think there’s a but?”

 “Am I too hopeful?” He asked, placing his hands on her hips. 

 “No.” She said. “The but is that I’m coming with you. I’m ready for a new adventure, and I always like to say I’ve been everywhere but Almyra. Besides, someone pretty great is going to start something there, and I’d like to see that vision come to pass. Whatever that vision is, anyway.”

 He sighed. “You’re from Fodlan, and I’m not 100% sure that’s gonna fly.” He said. She gave him a look, and he knew she wasn’t taking ‘No’ for an answer. “But, I guess I’ll figure something out.” He got close to her face again, smirking. “Now, about that kiss in the woods…” 

[harryseyebrows]

so here’s my peace on the article, not that anyone asked. and im sure i’ll get shouted at BUT, here goes. 

i think the very nature of fandom is to direct a lot of time, energy, emotions into a single entity, whether that be a person, group, book, show, etc. i think its safe to assume that in most cases, we enjoy that particular entity because it appeals to us, and perhaps on some level, an element of it/them rings true with a part of ourselves. i joke and say that we didnt pick harry and instead he chose US, harry potter sorting hat style. but what i think is that it speaks (potentially) to something deeper: that there’s an unspoken feeling, instinct, etc that drew us to him, and has kept us here this long. 

when you put that type of energy into someone (someone who feels larger than life a lot of the time, but we must remember that he’s a real human person with a life and feelings and sides of himself that we might never be privy to), i think it’s only natural to have some unrealistic expectations and wants regarding aspects of that person. what’s unique (or not that unique, i dont know as i dont follow anyone else as closely as i do him) about a sizable chunk of harry’s fan is that a lot of us are lgbt. and with that comes a whole slew of very complicated feelings. a lot of us know better than anyone what its like to totally hate the idea of someone prying into your personal life. the uncomfortableness that comes with someone asking you a question where you know the answer you give is going to affect how they see you. we know what it’s like to desperately want some type of representation; the sheer joy of finding out that someone you admire is like you in some way. and grappling with feelings that are seemingly on opposite ends of a spectrum of happiness and anger isnt easy. at our cores, i would like to hope that we’re all decent people (and while im here, being lgbt does not make you exempt from criticism or being shitty, despite what some might like to think) who have a firm grasp of understanding on how invasive and unnecessary it is for people to be picked apart about their sexuality/gender; that a person should be allowed to exercise autonomy and say ‘im not obligated to explain myself or how i feel’. however, i do think that a part of human nature, from the time we learn to speak and pester people with questions of ‘why’ and ‘how’, that we’re often insatiably curious. we like definitive answers. we like having something tangible to hold onto. throw in the undeniably confusing phenomena that seems to surround the concept of celebrity, where once a person becomes famous, their whole life and self should be available for public consumption at all times, and you have a cocktail for some weirdness. 

i have found myself guilty of being frustrated by harrys...aloofness. his desire for ambiguity. ‘why doesnt he just say SOMETHING’ or ‘i would like a more clear answer’ pop up frequently, usually when quotes and interviews like these arise and stir up feelings that are usually more dormant and placid. but, then i take a step back. and remember that im not entitled to anything. none of us are. we’re very luck he shares with us the things he does. ive come to realize that there is nothing more authentic than his palpable trepidation whenever the subject of sexuality is brought up. how would i feel, in his shoes? probably not very good. i wouldn’t want to be needled and questioned. i haven’t even told my parents about how i identify, never mind the whole world. ive also been guilty of questioning the vague nature of his quotes. text is a funny medium--tone can be interpreted many ways when youre not hearing the person speak, when youre not able to see their expressions. ive thought ‘maybe im projecting too much. maybe he actually means this’ re: ‘ive never felt the need to label myself’. and, as much as anyone doesnt want to hear it, there’s still the possibility that we could be reading it wrong, and thats okay too. but harry asking ‘why’ regarding the reason behind being asked in the first place, saying that its not a case of sitting on an answer to keep it from people, saying ‘who cares?’ needs to be taken for what it is. 

i understand, selfishly, where the interviewer was coming from with ‘unless the person behind it happens to be a straight dude, sprinkling lgbtq crumbs that lead to nowhere.’ it perhaps could’ve been handled more delicately, and i think its definitely a tad aggressive when harry seemed done with the question already, but i get the sentiment. and that just brings me back to my original point: that we know what the boundaries are, we have the understanding that harry doesnt owe us any explanations, but we’re still curious. ive seen a lot of people upset that the question was even asked, people upset that they didn’t get the answers they might have been after, and people asserting that they know the real truths behind harry’s words/thoughts/actions. there’s hope for 2 of those 3 groups. for the first, i try to remind myself that harry has a good head on his shoulders. he knows how to stand up for himself (this interview proved what we already knew). his words alone have filled me with a sense of confidence that he simply does not give a fuck about what other people think or say. for the second group, if youre feeling a little stung, i want you to think about why. why is it so important to you that he say one thing or another; your priority should be yourself. stop putting so much stock into the identity of others. wanting to connect and share a thread with another person is totally natural, but you have to remember that harry is a real person who isn’t existing to support you or be a performance of your hopes and desires re: what you want from him. step back and reflect. sometimes its not the initial thoughts, but how you change and learn. as for the third group, if youre not harry styles or have not been informed via harry styles himself about anything regarding his identity, you dont know shit. you can interpret things any way you want, but don’t make sweeping statements and pretend to be enlightened when youre no better than the people who assume he’s straight, no matter how you justify it to yourself under the guise of support and understanding. and that’s all i have to say

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

[soybeantree]

blossom 

pairing: mark x reader  genre/warning: singleparent!reader, teacher!mark; some soft shit word count: 7k description: soft mark as your son’s teacher. a/n:  buckle in buttercups

“Do you ever feel like your life is spiraling down a black hole headed nowhere?” “No. Is that an adult thing?”

 The young boy sitting across the table from you asks, pausing in his breakfast consumption. Sighing, you put down your spoon and shake your head. “No, I think it’s a me thing. Your mom is a mess. Have I apologized to you lately that you ended up with me as a mom?” The young boy chuckles and shakes his head. “You’re a great mom and a beautiful mess.” He says as he stands up and clears his dishes, heading for the sink. “I’m a blessed mess.” You call over your shoulder as you stand up. “It’s the only way I could end up with a kid like you.” You add as you follow your son’s example and place your dishes in the sink. As you start to rinse them off, you catch sight of the clock. “Oh, shhh-It’s time to go!” You save yourself, shooting your son a smile. The kid shakes his head. “Swear jar.” “I didn’t say it.” “Swear jar.” His arms cross his chest, and his feet stand firm. Your cause is lost. “Fine. Go grab your jacket and backpack. And hurry about it!” You call as he disappears into his room. Heading towards the annoyingly large glass jar which sits in the far corner of your living, you dump all of your change into it. The jar is nearly full, and the sight makes you cringe. The past few weeks at work have been stressful, leading to your statement at breakfast and the full jar. While you hope the trend won’t continue, reality leads you to believe otherwise. You do need to find a better outlet for your stress though, or you’re going to end up broke. “Mom!” “Coming.” You rush to the entryway, slipping on shoes before dashing out the door your son is so kindly holding open. His school is close by, the reason you chose the apartment. He insists that being ten he is old enough to walk to school by himself. You insist that being twenty-eight you are not old enough for him to walk to school on his own. You plan on living a long and healthy life, and if something happens to him, you’ll either end up dead from grief or in jail for vengeance. So the two of you walk to school together. These couple minutes are sacred to you. With all the stress and demands of work, time with your son is scarce, so you take advantage of every minute you have. “Alright, what do I need to know about this coming week?” You ask as you head down the street. Your son walks silently beside you, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. “What is it?” You ask at his hesitation. “We are currently in a full honesty, no judgment zone. Didn’t you see the sign we just passed?” You gesture over your shoulder to the non-existent sign behind you. He cracks a smile and shakes his head. “There was no sign mom.” “Okay, but my point still stands.” Taking a deep breath, he starts. “I want to make a deal with you.” His eyes dart to yours, and you nod urging him to continue. “If you say yes, you can take back all the money in the swear jar.” The money in the swear jar is designated for charity. You two had come up with this deal when he was in first grade and was sent to the principle’s office for swearing in class. You had been mortified but were even more mortified when you realized it was your fault. That day you had told him that swearing in school was not okay and promised that you would stop swearing, and that ff he caught you swearing, then you would put all the change in your wallet into the swear jar. Once it was full, you would take all the money and donate it to the charity of his choice. While you hadn’t been able to keep your promise as diligently as you would have liked, you two had donated quite a bit to charities. “Kid, that money-” He holds up his hand though, and you zip your lips. It’s his time to talk. “At the end of the month, we’re going to have a choir concert.” Everything within you plummets as your mind follows the path he’s laying out. “Minnie’s mom was supposed to help with the costumes and the set, but she broke her arm and can’t. Mr. Mark can’t do it all by himself, and he asked if any other parent’s might be able to help. I know you’re busy with work, but no other parent’s can help and if Mr. Mark doesn’t get any help then we can’t do the concert and-and…” His shoulders heave, and his eyes start to glisten, and you stare back at him helpless. Ever since that first day when the doctor placed this tiny bundle in your arms, you’ve been helpless whenever you look in those eyes. “Okay.” “Okay? You’ll do it!” He bounces on his feet, smiling up at you so brightly, and you know if you could you would give this kid the world. “Yes, yes, I’ll do it.” “Mr. Mark will be so happy.” He beams as he starts to skip down the street. “Mhm.” You nod as you follow him at a more moderate pace. Mr. Mark. Mark Tuan was your son’s first grade teacher, the one who had sent him to the office for swearing. He was there when you came to pick him up. Your son had been in tears. He hadn’t realized what he said was a bad word. Mommy said it all the time. He didn’t want to be a bad kid. Mark had sat beside him, telling him that just because he said a bad word didn’t mean that he was a bad kid. People made mistakes. He just needed to learn from his mistake, so that way he didn’t make them again. Standing down the hall watching the interaction, your mind was a war of emotions, the chief being mortification. You were mortified that you were teaching your son to cuss; that because of you, he felt this way about himself; and that Mark witnessed it all. The second emotion was gratitude. You were grateful that Mark was the one who witnessed it, that he would sit with your son and comfort him, and that he had somehow found a way back into your life. Fate is funny, you think as you give your son a kiss and send him off to school. While the goodbye embarrasses him as it would any ten year old boy, he lets you do it every morning. Because, as he has told you so many times, his love for you is greater than any embarrassment. You hope it’s something he learned from you. That cussing isn’t the only thing you’ve taught him.  Your love for him is greater than any embarrassment. You wish it was the same for your family. Heading towards the nearby bus stop, your mind wanders through old memories. You were young when you had your son. Fresh out of high school, you found out you were pregnant. You were unwed and unemployed with only your family to lean on, except you couldn’t. They wouldn’t let you. Coming back from another unsuccessful job hunt, you had found a suitcase on your parent’s doorstep with all your clothes in it. Your father wasn’t pleased with what had happened you could tell that by his stony silence and your mother was always looking away when you entered a room, but they were your parents. They should love you more than any embarrassment. You had stood on their doorstep, pounding on the door and screeching until night fell. But the door never opened. They probably weren’t even home. They had kicked you out and fled. You collapsed against the door, staring at the sliver of moon which hung in the sky. That’s when Mark came. You had known Mark your whole life. He lived down the street from you and was by far the coolest kid on the street. All the boys wanted to be his friend and all the girls wanted to be his girl-friend. He was your first crush and your first love. Being two years older than you, he had already gone off to college. So when he came and crouched down in front of you, you were shocked to see him. He had undoubtedly heard you screaming, the whole neighborhood had, but he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t ask about it or offer any false words of hope. Instead, he held out a hand and asked if you wanted to grab something to eat. As you board the bus, you smile at the memory. His face had shone with kindness, but all you wanted was to tell him to fuck off and leave you alone and stop trying to be nice. With him there, you couldn’t curl up in a little ball and cease existing. But you said none of that. You couldn’t. While the thing inside you was probably no bigger than a grain of rice, it needed you. Without you, it couldn’t survive, and you refused to abandon it. Your love for it would be greater than any embarrassment. So you took Mark’s hand and let him pull you up. He grabbed your suitcase and, with his hand still wrapped around yours, started walking down the street. He did all the talking which was shocking because he never talked. Mark was always the quiet, mysterious type, but tonight he was a fountain of words. He told you about how he was studying to be a teacher and about his roommate Jinyoung who was also pursuing education. The two of you headed to a local restaurant, and over a steaming bowl of soup, he continued to speak. Eventually, you started talking too and joking. He never asked about the pregnancy or made any comments about it. For one night, you were able to just be you. After dinner, he offered you his sister’s room for the night. Being older than him, she had already moved out. Hesitant, you declined, but he assured you his parents wouldn’t mind. Having no other options, you relented and agreed. His parents didn’t mind. They welcomed you in with open arms, showing you the spare room. A towel lay folded neatly on the bed with little bottles of shampoo and soap. After a warm shower, you laid down and fell asleep instantly. The next morning, you woke before any of them. During your shower the night before, you had accepted the truth. The life you had lived before came to an end when the second pink line appeared. Your parents made it very clear you no longer had a place here, and you couldn’t live of the Tuan’s kindness forever. Before they could wake and talk you out of your decision, you left with only a note to thank them for their kindness. Life was hell after that. Working, raising a kid, and putting yourself through college, you wonder how you did it. There were lots of tears and sleepless nights, but you survived. After all your hard work, you were able to land a good job and send your son to a good school. He loved his school, especially his teacher Mr. Mark. It wasn’t until that first parent-teacher conference that you realized Mr. Mark was your Mark. That had been a fun night, followed by more fun nights. Over the school year at different functions, you and Mark had filled each other in on those years since you left. He regaled you with the tales of him and his friends, and you allowed him a glimpse of your hell. Feelings you had thought long dead floated to the surface. They weren’t the same though. The infatuation of a young girl had matured into respect and appreciation and desire. For a time, you entertained your childhood fantasies. Then your son swore. Standing there watching Mark comfort him, you were thrown back to that day on your parents doorstep. After all those years and all that hell, you were still the same girl who needed Mark to step in and help her up. You couldn’t face him after that. The feelings which had surfaced, you forced back down. Your son graduated to second grade and your interactions with Mark dwindled until your son decided to join the school choir. For years, the school choir had been run by a kind old man who had lost his hearing at some point during his tenure. No one had the heart to tell him though. But, before your son’s third grade, the old man announced that that year would be his last. Mark, a music minor, was unanimously elected as his successor, and your son was one of the first kids to sign up the next year. Now, you see Mark on a weekly basis. Thus far you have successfully limited your interactions to polite greetings and small talk. Stepping off the bus, you acknowledge that moving forward this will no longer be the case. The two of you will be working closely until the concert. The feelings you sunk, stir at the prospect, but you force them to still. Mark has always been a pleasant fantasy, but you live in the real world and have dealt with too much shit to indulge in fantasies.

Later that week, you sit hunched over a sewing machine as you curse under your breath. The damn bobbin keeps messing up, and if you have to re-thread the needle one more time, you’re likely to shove the whole thing off the table. Believing the school would have adequate equipment for the task at hand, you left your beautifully functioning sewing machine at home. The mistake would not be repeated again. Next time, you would bring it. 

Needle re-threaded, you run the cloth through the machine, only to hear the whir and feel the tell-tale tug. Before the machine can meet the floor, long hands pull it out of your reach. Glancing up, you find Mark standing above you. A smile tugs at his lips, but he forces them to still. He wants to appear serious. “Would you be able to help me with the set pieces? I’ve finished cutting them out. I just need someone a little more artistic to paint them.” Sewing had offered you the opportunity to distance yourself from Mark, but if you spend any more time with that machine, you’ll end up owing the school a new machine. Maybe that’s what you should do with the swear jar money this time around. You muse, chuckling to yourself. “What?” Mark’s eyes catch yours. “Nothing, I was just- it’s nothing. I’ll just get started on those set pieces.” You stand heading over to the cut-outs. The less talking you do the easier all of this will be. You grab a nearby paint brush and bucket and begin outlining the branches. Mark settles next to a fence as an uncomfortable silence falls. “Do you mind if I put on some music?” Mark’s voice breaks the silence. Your brush streaks across the tree leaving an ugly stain. You hadn’t expected him to speak. Determined to escape the awkwardness, you had filled your mind with everything you had to do for work. “No, I don’t mind.” You clear your throat. “It’s fine.” Music starts as you try to fix your mistake. The two of you continue to work, as the music pushes the silence back. However, the awkwardness remains and grows worse as the night drags on. You continually check your phone, hoping hours have ticked by. But only minutes have passed. “Mom!” Your sons voice enters the room, and you glance up from the bush you’re working on. A relieved smiled slips on your face. Today’s torture is coming to an end. “Hey, sweetie. How was studying at Minnie’s?” You ask as you start to gather up the brushes and paint. Not able to physically help with the concert, Minnie’s mom had offered to watch your son while you worked. “I finished all my homework.” He beams. “You did? Good job, kiddo.” “Yes…” A glint appears in his eyes. Pushing off the floor, you cross your arms and nod for him to continue. “Since I finished all my homework, I was wondering if we could go and get some ice cream.” He fixes you with those eyes, and you tell yourself that he earned a treat. You’re not being a pushover. “Okay,” He fist bumps the air before you can finish, “We can get ice cream.” You chuckle as he proceeds to do the dorky victory dance he learned from you. “But first, help me clean up. We don’t want to leave this mess for Mr. Mark.” “Oh, Mr. Mark,” he turns to his teacher, “do you want to get ice cream with us?” The invitation should have been obvious. You should have waited to agree until after you left. Now the invitation hangs in the air, and you can’t face Mark. You can barely face your son for fear he will read too much in your expression. Smoothing your face, you turn to Mark with a simple smile. “You’re more than welcome to come with us.” “Sure, I can always eat ice cream.” He returns the smile. Drawing on a strength you didn’t even know you possessed, you manage to keep the smile on your face and nod. With the three of you working together, you finish the clean up in minutes. Down the street from the school is a local ice cream shop which has been run by the same family for generations. Here you three head for the promised treat. Your son is quick to order chocolate fudge, requesting a second scoop when he thinks you’re not paying attention. He receives one scoop with sprinkles. You request the more moderate vanilla. Mark completes the trio with cookies ‘n cream. Outside the shop, benches and tables sit clustered around a little wishing well. Your son plops onto a chair, and you settle on the bench across from him, failing to realize your mistake until Mark exits the shop with his cone in hand. The cluster your son has chosen only has the chair he occupies and the bench under you, leaving the only available seat beside you. Glancing at your son, you find that glint in his eye as he slowly licks away at his ice cream. “Do you mind?” Mark asks gesturing to the accursed spot. You shake your head scooting over until the arm rest bites into your side. Mark lowers himself, careful to keep an arms width of distance between you two. “Mr. Mark?” Your son asks. Mark motions for him to continue. “Did you really know my mom when she was little?” Sputtering turns to coughing as you choke on your ice cream. Mark pats you gently on the back, but you wave him off. “Sorry.” You cough. “Wrong pipe.” “Ummm…” Mark glances at you, but you wave him off again as you regain your breath. “Uh, yes. We grew up in the same neighborhood.” He turns his attention to your son. “What was mom like when she was little?” “We didn’t know-” “She was very independent,” He cuts you off, “like she is now.” “Really? How so?” “There’s one thing I remember from when we were really young. She would wander away from her house all the time, and the whole neighborhood would know when it happened because her mom would rush out of the house screaming. Everyone would start looking for her, and she would be somewhere different every time. When she finally returned home, her mom would rage at her.” “Mom!” Your son accuses. “And you won’t even let me walk to school by myself.” “Do as I say not as I do. Have you ever heard that expression?” You defend your protectiveness. “I was lucky that nothing happened to me.” Mark clears his throat before taking another bite of ice cream. You eye him. “What?” “You weren’t always lucky.” He mumbles, but you still hear him. At your bewildered expression, Mark continues more clearly. “There was one time I saw you wandering, and there was this guy. He made me feel uneasy, so I went and got my dad. And he reported the man to the police.” The knowledge sends a chill racing down your spine, and you stare at him horrified. “After that, I would always keep an eye on your door, and if you ever went wandering I would follow behind.” “You did?” Clearing his throat, he nods, but he doesn’t meet your eyes. “So you were my mom’s guardian angel?” Mark chuckles. “I wouldn’t say that. I was just worried something might happen.” His focus goes to his ice cream as he continues to chip away at it. You stare at him and then a crack in the sidewalk until your ice cream drips onto your hand. Cursing in your head, you lick up the mess and make quick work of the frozen treat and cone. Your son works more slowly, that glint in his eye ever present, so you hurry him along and excuse yourself from the situation. You need to get home before any other secrets come to light.

At work the next week, you sit through yet another meeting. This one thankfully marks the end of the project you’ve been slaving over for the past month. You wish your boss would show his gratitude for your teams hard work, by not having a meeting. Glancing at your co-workers, you can tell they are of the same mind set. Your boss does end the meeting earlier than usual though which everyone applauds. 

As you gather your things and prepare to return to your desk, you hear your name called. Your boss stands on the other side of the room a smile on his face. That smile sends your stomach plummeting. It means more work for you. With this project completed, you had hoped you would receive a reprieve from your overloaded schedule, but you seem to be luckless.

“I’m sorry sir, could you repeat that?” He chuckles at your bewilderment. “I want you to head our new office.” “If I’m not mistaken, that office is in a different country.” He nods. “Of course the promotion comes with a move, but the company would assist with your relocation, and you would be allotted a housing stipend.” The offer is an honor, recognition for all the work you’ve put in. Everyone knew about the new office opening, and the office gossip had all been supposition about who would helm it. You had never given consideration to the idea that it would be you. While work can be exhausting, you are content where you are, and you believed the company was content to keep you where you are. “This is a big change, sir. Could I have some time to think about it?” “Of course, we don’t have to announce anything for another two weeks. Take your time think it over, but I’m sure you’ll find the benefits outweigh any minor inconveniences you face now.” His smile broadens as you nod. Exiting his office, you find your co-workers packing up and saying their farewells. A glance at the clock confirms that the workday has come to an end. You breath a sigh of relief. After that bombshell, you wouldn’t have been able to focus on anything. Grabbing your own bag, you head out of the building to your bus stop. The bus ride home is spent in silence. You watch the world pass by, but notice nothing as your mind weighs the benefits against the “minor inconveniences”. While your boss saw them as minor, you did not see them the same way. Moving meant leaving the apartment you had worked for years to be able to afford. It meant tearing your son from his school and his friends. It meant uprooting the life you had worked so hard to achieve. Did the benefits really outweigh what you would have to give up? You would have a new apartment, probably better than the one you had now, but it wouldn’t be the apartment that you had walked by every day for three years, promising yourself that one day you would live there. Your son would make new friends. The new city would have a good school, maybe a better one than he went to now, but Mark wouldn’t be there. That last thought stills you, and you almost miss your stop. Hoping off the buss, you start towards the school, but the familiar path is a blur as you try to rid Mark from your mind. He doesn’t fit into any of your plans and isn’t one of the “minor inconveniences”. Your relationship with Mark ends at the school gate. As you approach that gate, you find your son standing there talking with Minnie and a few of his other friends. When he notices you, he says his goodbyes and heads towards you. “How about a hug today, kiddo?” You hold your arms open wide, and after a moments hesitation, he walks into them. Squeezing him tight, you breath deeply. “You know I’m the only kid my age whose mom still hugs him?” He mumbles into your shoulder. “That’s either because they don’t want to be hugged or because their moms don’t love them as much as I love you.” You reply, releasing him. He gives you a look, causing you to chuckle. “I was thinking BBQ for dinner tonight. What do you think?” “Really? Yes! Let’s go!” He starts off down the street before you can change your mind.

Sitting at the table waiting for the waitress to bring your drinks, you prepare yourself for the coming conversation. This move will affect him just as much as it affects you. He has a right to know what’s coming and to add his input. 

“Mom, what is it?” His question startles you and draws your attention to him. “What?” “You keep staring at nothing and sighing, and you said we could have BBQ tonight. Something is going on.” Your poker face never was the greatest. Nodding, you begin. “I’ve got some good news, but it could also be bad news.” He nods for you to continue. “My boss called me into his office today to offer me a promotion.” His eyes go wide, and he beams at you. “That’s awesome, mom! You’re the best worker at the company. You deserve a promotion. Why is that bad news?” “The promotion means we have to move.” “Where?” “Another country.” Silence. He stares at you, the joy from moments before washed away by this revelation. “Sweetie-” “Mom, we can’t move to another country. What about my friends and my school and our apartment, and everyone here. We can’t leave all of that.” His voice is a squeak, evidencing the boy he still is. He stares at you with those eyes, and you feel your inside crumble. “I know we would have to give up a lot, and I know that would be hard. But, there are a lot of good things that would come with the new job and the move. We would find you a new school, and you can make new friends. I would be making more money which means that we would be able to do more fun things like go on vacations and adventures.” “Would you be working as much?” You’d be working more. The answer shows on you face. He snorts, crossing his arms. “We won’t be going on any adventures. You’ll be too busy working, and I’ll be home alone with no friends.” “Kiddo, you’ll make-” His glare cuts you off. He’s angry, and he has every right to be. “I think we should both give this some serious thought, and then we can talk about it again.” His response is a huff.

Working with your sewing machine is a relief. If you had to struggle with the demon school machine, you would have gone on a rampage. The promotion has been dominating your thoughts, robbing you of sleep and leaving you peevish. You’ve weighed the pros and cons a thousand times and come to no satisfactory conclusion. Your son is firm in his resolution to stay and refusing to speak to you which irritates your aggravated state. You’re a toe stub away from a full melt down. 

A knock, knock on your work table draws your eyes to Mark who is standing above you with a two steaming mugs in his hand. “Tea?” He offers. While you should say “no” and return to your work because being around Mark isn’t helping your situation, you straighten, stretching the muscles in your back, and reach for the mug. The warmth spreads through your aching fingers, and you sigh as you breath in the tea’s earthy smell. The steam caresses your face, relaxing the muscles. “Thank you.” You mumble as you bring the mug to your lips. “You know even Okoye needed the help of the Dora Milaje when she took on Killmonger.” He states as he perches on the edge of the table. You snort, nearly spilling tea down your front. “What?” “Okoye is the greatest warrior Wakanda has, but she was still able to accept the help of her fellow warriors.” He says, taking a sip from his own mug. “I’m sorry. Are you using a Black Panther analogy to tell me that it’s okay to accept help?” You raise an eyebrow at Mark as you lean back in your chair. Mark smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “It got you to smile didn’t it?” The smile, he referenced, thins to a line, but you can’t keep the edges from tugging upward. “So it at least accomplished one of it’s tasks.” “And the other was to get me to accept help?” “To let you know that you can.” His eyes hold yours, and you feel yourself falling back through time to that day on your parent’s doorstep. The last day you had accepted anyone’s help. “Are you offering again?” Your eyes fall from him as you set the mug on the table, your fingers fiddling with it’s handle. “I’ve never stopped.” His voice is light, and you can hear the smile in it. But the words lay heavy on your shoulders. “Mark-” But you don’t know what to say after that. Does he want you to apologize? Do you want to accept his help? You don’t even know what you want?   “I hear congratulations are in order.” He says sparing you from your unfinished thought. “What?” “Your son told me that you’ve been offered a promotion.” Mark explains. The action shouldn’t surprise you. Your son has been attached to Mark since his first day of school. He’s the first solid male figure in his life. “What else did he say?” Mark pauses, his eyes drifting to a corner of the room. “You said it was okay to accept your help, Mark.” You don’t look at him as you speak, and the words burn on the way out. But you say them in the hopes of alleviating your ever mounting stress. “He won’t talk to me. I’d like to know how he’s feeling.” “He doesn’t want to move. He’s afraid he’ll be alone because he won’t have any friends and you’ll be too busy to spend time with him.” Your son is shy. A truth which you have buried as you’ve contemplated your decision. His fear is well-founded, and it rips at your chest. “You don’t think I should take it.” The irritation that’s been gnawing at you bleeds into your words, turning them from a question to an accusation. Mark holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender, and with a simple smile says, “I think you should do what you think is right.” He relaxes his arms, folding his hands on his lap. His smile and demeanor fit his words, supporting them, but his eyes don’t. His smile doesn’t reach them and an emotion resides in them which sets your heart racing. The emotions which you have been suppressing for years burst forth, and you find yourself asking, “How do you feel about this, Mark?” The question encompasses more than this moment and this decision. The question goes back years to when you were kids growing up in the same neighborhood. You ask him how he feels, but really you want to know why he followed you all those days, why he offered you a hand and a place to stay, why he was with your son at the principle’s office, and why he keeps showing up in your life. “I don’t want you to go.” The answer is simple and soft. No loud declaration or demand. “What?” “I’ve never wanted you to go, but I understand that just because I want you to stay doesn’t mean you should.” He smiles, shattering everything inside of you. “Why?” The question is pointless and self-serving, but you have to know, want to hear him say it. “Because I love you. I have since that first day I followed you on your wanderings.” Tears leak from your eyes, evidence of your wreckage within. “I-I...” You stutter as your brain shifts through the rubble for a response. “I have to go.” You stand up, grab your bag, and run like you did back then like you always do.

“It’s time to go.” Your son informs you. They’re the only words he’s spoken to you in the last week.

You catch his eyes in the bathroom mirror and give him a smile as you nod. “I’ll be ready in just a minute.” His lips remain a thin line as he turns and heads for the door. A sigh forces the air from your chest and slumps your shoulders. After a final check of your make-up, you head out of the bathroom and towards the front door where your son is waiting. He fixes his eyes on  the door as he waits for you to slip on your shoes, and he is out the door the second they are on. He keeps two steps ahead of you the whole way to the school. “How much longer do you plan to keep this up? If we move, are you never going to speak to me again?” “You’re going to take the job.” He whirls around to face you with tears welling in his eyes. Clearing your throat, you respond, “I didn’t say that. I just wanted to know.” “If I say ‘yes’, can we stay here?” Hope has replaced the tears, and you find it wrenches your heart more. “We should hurry. I don’t want you to be late.” You start to walk again, and your son plods along behind you.

The concert is beautiful. The costumes, the set, the singing. Everything turned out perfectly. But you notice none of it. Your attention is split between your son who whispers and giggles with his friends during each song break and Mark who directs the boys with a patient smile. 

Since the night he confessed, you have kept your distance from him, not even helping with the final set up for the concert. Mark never texted or called about your absence. He allowed you your space like he always does. Staring at the most important person in your life and the person who has always been beside you, you make your decision. The weight which has rested on your shoulders since your boss offered you the promotion lifts instantly. You exhale all the stress and smile as you sit back and enjoy the rest of the concert. When the last song is sung and the children take their bows, you stand up and applaud with the rest of the parents. Your son finds you in the crowd. His smile pushes his cheeks into his eyes, and he practically glows with pride. But all too soon, memory returns, and he whips his attention from you. You continue to applaud though until the children take their final bow and exit the stage. Leaving your seat, you head back stage to share your decision with your son. Before you can reach him though, you run into Mark. He freezes when he sees you, and you mirror the behavior. Clearing his throat, he nods to you and continues on his way. “Mark.” He stops. “Can I talk to you?” He turns his eyes finding yours. The way he looks at you stills your heart and stops your breath. He’s searching, and you wonder what he sees. Whatever he saw causes him to nod again as he walks towards you. He leads you to a small alcove which allows you both a modicum of privacy. Standing a few feet apart, Mark starts talking, “If this is about what I said the other night, I want to-” You hold up a hand stopping him. “I’m sorry.” You apologize, staring him straight in the eyes though your mind screams in protest. “I’m sorry I ran then and that I ran all those years ago. I tell myself that I’m strong and independent but most of the time I’m just scared. And I act out of fear. Even as I say all of this to you, I’m scared,” you release a shuddering breath but continue, ��but I’m tired of letting my fear control me. I love you too, Mark. I’ve loved you since before I can remember.” The truth flies from your lips leaving you with only fear as you study Mark’s face. He smiles, not big and bright but small and sad. Watching him, your heart plummets. “What I said that night is the truth. I love you, but I know that just because I love you doesn’t mean I can stop you from doing what is best for you.” You blink as your mind works to unravel the meaning behind his words. His response was unexpected and unwanted. Searching his eyes, realization strikes. “The job. You’re talking about the job.” You chuckle to yourself which furrows Mark’s brow. “I’m not taking the job, Mark.” “If it’s because of me…” You both know the end of the sentence. You smile up at him, and yours is big and bright. “It’s not because of you. Well, it’s not fully because of you.” Your smile eases as sensibility asserts itself. “I would be lying if I said you didn’t play into my decision. “The truth is it really is an incredible job. It comes with more money and more opportunities. And for those reasons, I’d be a fool not to take it. But it also comes with more hours and more traveling which means less time I get to spend with my son. You pause, your eyes becoming unfocused as your mind travels back to your early years. “When he was little, and I was putting myself through that hell; I told myself it’ll be worth it. If I work hard now and put in the hours, when he’s older I won’t have to. I can have time with my son.” Glancing back up at Mark, you continue, “If I take this job, I’ll have lied to myself all those years. I only have so much time before my son goes off to live his own life. I want to spend all the time I can with him until that day. “After that day,” you shrug your shoulder, “I’ll take a job with money and opportunities and hours and traveling. So I guess, I’m not saying no. I’m saying not now.” “Not now.” Mark nods with a true smile. “Not now.” You repeat returning his smile. “So what happens now then?” “I wouldn’t be opposed to dinner.” You cock a brow. “I also like movies. Video games occasionally. They’re really good stress relievers.” Mark snorts and nods. “I’m free for dinner most nights. And I also like movies and video games.” “Do I get to go to dinner and the movies and play video games too?” Both of your heads turn to face your son who stands in front of the alcove, smiling up at you two with his hands clasped behind his back, a familiar glint in his eye. “How long have you been there?” You ask. “Long enough to know that you two love each other and we’re not moving.” He smiles up at you. You’re caught between wanting to scold him and wanting to laugh. “And you didn’t think you should announce your presence?” “No.” Mark laughs, and you glare at him, but he continues. Shaking your head, you rub your eyes. “I’m hungry. Are you both hungry?” Glancing between the two, you find them both agreeing. “Good. Then let’s go to dinner, and we can talk about all of this there.” Your son smiles wide and heads for the door. As you start to follow him, you feel a hand slip into yours. Mark meets your eyes and offers you a simple smile. You return the smile and fall into step with him as you two head after your son.

[the-settingsun]

We're all gonna die - Edward Nygma x reader. Songfic

Please listen to the song as you read.

Quick songfic about my dear Eddie. Because he needs to be protected. My precisious baby boy. Feel free to request and give feedback I'd appreciate it. Also I dont proofread so point out any mistakes to me.

Gif credit to the owner.

Warnings : Blood, mentions of abuse, injuries.

The evil it spread like a fever ahead

,,What can be lost but never found?" Your boyfriend yelled at you while he took another bottle of alcohol and drank it in one go. The thunder encouraged him to put down the bottle on the small wooden table beside the window. He slowly started approaching you, you were expecting him to insult you again and his words schocked you. He wiped his nose with his hand and smirked ,,Do you like riddles?" He fake frowned ,,Or just the riddle man?". You froze, he found out about Eddie. Only man who treat you right. The GCPD was a pretty small after all. You knew what was this man infront of you capable of. ,,Please dont hurt him" you whispered looking down at your bare legs. ,,Honey, you know its for your own good" he purred into your ear. ,, Please stop" you said as quietly as possible. There was no point in fighting him, he always got what he wanted.

It was night when you died, my firefly.

After he was done with you he left like always. Broken glass, broken furniture and broken bones.

You didnt feel anything, your body wasnt yours anymore, your mind was black. But oh the floor the cold floor that make your skin crawl. Was is the floor or the blood? No one can tell. Cold, as the raging storm outside. The thunders couldnt be heard anymore but the lightning helped you see, always for a split second.

What could I have said to raise you from the dead?

Oh could I be the sky on the Fourth of July?

As you watched the same picture appear before you for hours you gave up. The pain was not worth it. It was time to move on, past the small ligh provided by your eyes that got already used to the dark. You were ready to see the light. It was silence, you cried softly as you slowly pulled your hand from the wound caused by the glass shards.With the very last strenght you had you managed to reach broken table, with one leg missing. Your whole body weight was now relying on it. The crimson shined for a brief moment, another lightning. You fell again getting tiny pieces of wood stuck in your already bloody arm. The pain kicked in as you tried to reach the phone. Every step you took was followed by lightning, displaying the silluettes of broken window on the floor beneath your feet. You reached the phone and pushed yourself against the wall. Looking at your wound and bloody hands putting pressure on it. You sensed you had last few moment infrotn of you. And so you dialed the number

Edward Nygma

1234567891011

Call

Text

Well you do enough talk

The moment you heard the dial tone you broke down. There was so much you didnt do in life, you wanted to

tell Edward everything, have amazing dates, help your daughter with her boyfriends, cry during your son's wedding. But now it was all gone in the clouds. ,, Hello this is Ed.Im sorry I cant currently talk leave a message" you put the phone down on the ground anf sighted.

My little hawk, why do you cry?

,

,Ed? Are you th-there?" Your lips slowly moved ,, (Y/N) is that you? Whats wrong? Where are you? Are you hurt" Ed spoke quickly through the screen. ,,Im home, I dont have much time, I-I-I think I-I'll die Ed. Im afraid" you heard him curse quietly,the some rumbling and door opening. Meanwhile you tried to adjust your position but your hand couldnt support you. So you sat there against cabinet slowly bleeding, looking at the ceiling above, clutching your stomach. You couldnt make out anything from the call except : Jim, help and Ed's panicking voice ,,(Y/N) talk to me please)"

Tell me what did you learn from the Tillamook burn?

Or the Fourth of July?

You glanced at the clock, it was past midnight. ,,Ed can you believe it? I made it to another day" you chuckled and hissed in pain right after. ,,(Y/N) please hang on, Im coming, the ambulance is coming, you are gonna make it" This time it wasnt his typical panic voice. Ed was crying. You blinked and more tears fell down on you sleeves.

,,Ed, Im sorry"

We're all gonna die

You heard him sight,,No, (Y/N) there is nothing to be sorry for. Its all my fault" he said and his voice broke ,,I should have seen it, I should have protected you" he let out a sob and began crying and sobbin more. ,,Eddie? I-I, you're right I should have told someone. But please dont blame yourself. Dont" you whined and put your hand over your mouth. You focused so much on your sobs you couldnt hear Ed. ,,-I cant lose you (Y/N), you are the only one that ever accepted me" he went silent. Or was it you?

Sitting at the bed with the halo at your head

Was it all a disguise, like Junior High

Where everything was fiction, future, and prediction

Now, where am I?

My fading supply

It was all too much, everything too fast and too slow at the same time.

Your cries overpowered the sound of now returned thunders as you heard cars going by below your window. ,,It hurts" you screamed in pain as you moved your arn away to overlook the injury again. ,,We're almost there (Y/N) just hold on."

,,Did you actually mean it?" Once again you asked but now with smile on your face. ,,Or is it just faded memory?" Remembering events of last weekend when you two attended police ball, he pretended to be your ,,scary" boyfriend infront of bunch of arrogant officers. Ed cleared his throath and gulped

,, The ball?" there was silence. You knew you couldnt stand up so you carefully started sliding yourself closer to the floor. ,,I did, you (Y/N) are the most beautiful, trustworthy and inteligent person I know" you stopped, only youd neck was now againt the cabinet. ,,Funny I thought you were just bluffing"

Did you get enough love, my little dove

Why do you cry?

,,What happened (Y/N) I thought you two were happy" you went silent letting the thunder be answer. You used your free habd to push yourself away from the cabinet. Now you were just laying there ,,I thought so too Ed. I loved him I did. I told myself" he kept silent you presumed he was close. Despite thunders you heard a train on the other line. The train station. He wasn't gonna make it. There wasnt enough time for him to hold you in his arms. ,,I love you Ed" you whispered loud enough for it to be heard. He took a deep breath. You messed up, but he deserves to know.

,,I love you so much (Y/N), now you cant leave here alone. I-I cant make it withouth you"

And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best

Though it never felt right

My little Versailles

,,Isnt it funny? I was always too scred to tell you and now" you coughed and gasped for air ,,we cant be together anyways. Maybe we could be another tragic pair of lovers like in the books" you softly laughted before you strated coughing again. It was blood, but at your state there wasnt place around there wasnt blood. ,,(Y/N) It was me who bought you the flowers not officer-" you stopped him ,,I always knew, the wws this little voice in my head that i-i-it was y-you." You winced as breathed. Last minutes.

The hospital asked should the body be cast

Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky

Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth

Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?

,, Eddie, we both know how is it going to end. I just do-do-ont want you to blame yourse-lf" you both inhales sharply. You because speaking makes you weaker and Ed because he was having a war with himself right now.,,No" you were silent. ,,No, there will not be anything I'd have to regret!" He yelled and cried at the same time. Poor Eddie, you knew how vulnerable he was. ,,If I die" I dont want you to visit me. ,, I wouldnt want you to dwell on the past. I'll be a dead end. Literally" you giggled a little before Ed screamed through the phone ,,FOR GODS SAKE (Y/N) YOU ARE DYING. STOP JOKING ABOUT IT."

,,Sorry, sorry. I am serious. Do-Do not attend my funereal, dont bring me flowers, dont get involved in the case." whispering you wiped your tears for the first time.

,,Why (Y/N)? So am I supposed to forget about you? If you are telling truth and you do love which I certainly hope you do. You are the love of my life (Y/N)." Once again the muffled cried from the other side of the phone were drown out by the now stronger storm. ,,Because I would break you"

Shall we look at the moon, my little loon

Why do you cry?

,,Tell me a-a-a ridd-d-riddle Edd-Eddi-Ed" you sighted as you felt your breath slowing down every minute. ,,What are the three words that are said too much, but not enough"

,,I love you"

,,So do I"

Silence.

Make the most of your life, while it is rife

,,H-H-El-Hell-Hello?" You coughed so hard your head raised from the ground only to fall back there.

,, Im here (Y/N), Jim is here. You are here. Im not losing you now."

He hanged up.

While it is light

The front door opened and the lights turned off. It shocked your body and you gasped. A figure was kneeling next to you. It was Edward Nygma. The one you loved.

Well you do enough talk

,,I wanted to grow old with you

(Y/N). I still want to. Dont.leave.me" Ed held you tighter and put his hand on your cheek and as he slowly sobbed. Hie glasses were wet from his tears and rain. He was a shaking mess. You looked into his eyes. And smiled.

My little hawk, why do you cry?

Tell me what did you learn from the Tillamook burn?

Or the Fourth of July?

We're all gonna die

You lifted up the hanf that was on your wound. Ed quickly put it back, applying the pressuee back. Being confused and still pouring his soul out through tears. You sturggled and released yourself from his grip. You hand was now cupping his cheek. With every little strenght you had you barely leaned forward and pecked edwards lips he was just starring at you, knowing its the end. With that, he pressed you towards him harder and frantically held you thinking you could disappear in every second. With that the ambulance arrived and...

We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die

We're all gonna die

Name : (Y/N) (L/N)

Date of death : 4th of july

[jack-andthestalk]

Stuck on you, Flatmates, Chapter 4.

Rupert was hovering over me as I lay on the couch flicking through stations, “Rupert either spit it out or sit the fuck down”, I said sighing, “you’re making me dizzy”

“I have to tell Jamie ye live with me” he spat out, eyes slightly wide in anticipation of my answer. He was rubbing the back of his neck profusely, a stressed look on his face.

I just glared at him, so he continued “I ken ye are cross I dinna tell ye he was moving here but I couldna and it wouldna change the outcome anywhoo….But I canna go on avoiding him calling here and…” my eyes were narrowing now, my mouth forming a pout, “he is my kinsman Claire.”

"don’t start that Scottish bullshit with me Rupert Mc Kenzie, he is your bloody cousin not your kinsman and you didn’t worry about living with me before now, I presume he was your kinsman then? Hmmm?”

“Aye but then he was safely tucked away in Edinburgh and I dinna think he would have cause to be visiting me here!” Rupert said pleadingly.

 “Claire I am begging ye…my nerves are shot …he is only living down the bloody street…I canna hide it!”

 “Rupert,” I said rolling my eyes “the way you are going on you swear we were having an illicit affair!”

 “Claire,” Rupert answered warningly, through gritted teeth “When Jamie finds out ye are my flatmate for well on nearly two years, we may as well have been having an illicit affair, aye?”

 “don’t be ridiculous” I said sternly “Jamie doesn’t care who I live with.”

 Rupert’s tone was verging on exasperation “Aye he does and given that he has pestered Jenny about yer whereabouts and wellbeing since ye left Edinburgh and I dinna speak up, I would imagine he will see it as a bit of a betrayal, aye?” his voice became softer then “Claire I ken we agreed, we would nay speak of him but he is hard to ignore the man when he is on yer doorstep, hmm?

 “Rupert this is my home, I really don’t feel comfortable having him call here?” my voice was honest now, suddenly a pain ripped across my chest, I had gone from promising myself not to see Jamie again, to now working with him and now it appeared I would be needing to allow him admittance into my home, the place that had, along with Rupert’s friendship provided salvation, when Jamie had broken me.

 “Rupert maybe we will have to rethink this living together thing…I don’t want to put you in an awkward situation but I really don’t feel comfortable…”

 Rupert sighed and sat on the couch putting his big soft hand over mine. “Claire please dinna start that talk, yer not moving and I’m not moving…we have a good thing here me and you…aye?”

 I nodded. I could feel a lump forming in my throat. “Ye said ye have moved on aye? Ya have Cathal? He said softly, “There should be no reason to avoid him…if that is the truth of it Claire?.... but is it the truth?”

 He had me, checkmate. If I pursued with banning Jamie from the apartment then it would look like I was living in the past, harboring a deep grudge, which I absolutely was but I was damned if I would show it.”

 “Fine” I said crossing my arms. But give me warning if he is coming over right?”

 “Oh aye off course” Rupert sat up, relief washing over his face. He rubbed his round tummy, “thank fuck for that, I havna been able to eat a thing all morning, stressing” rolling his R’s dramatically. He wriggled his eyebrows “I will make us some lunch aye and ye can tell me what shirt I need to wear if I am gonna pull tonight” with that he clapped his hands, rubbing them together gleefully and fled for the direction of the kitchen.

     As it turned out it was over a week before Jamie deemed it appropriate to cross my threshold, Rupert was running late from a date that turned into a sleepover and had asked Jamie to meet him at our apartment before they headed to the gym.

 Rupert the little weasel had failed on his promise to pre warn me and I answered the door in my pyjama shorts and vest stop, thinking it was Rupert forgetting his key yet again and waking me while I was trying to sleep off a night shift. I all but growled “I’m going to fucking kill you” when I opened the door to see Jamie’s astonished face looking back at me. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, eventually settling on

  “Christ Claire I dinna mean to wake ye…Rupert told me to meet him…” he looked absolutely terrified, I couldn’t help but feel sorry.

 “no im …I mean I thought you were Rupert, its ok…” We stood there in the doorway for a minute, I don’t know what Jamie was thinking but I was stood stock still trying to work how Jamie had become such a stranger to me, yet when I opened the door and saw him my heart all but leapt from my chest.

 I realised we had stood looking at each other for way to long so I opened the door slightly and said “you had better come in?”

  He hesitantly took a step forward but once inside I could see his eyes roam the apartment probably looking for evidence of how Rupert and I welded our very different lives together.

 “Im really sorry again Claire…I could kill Rupert…he …well to tell ye the truth I think he was afraid of us first meeting like this so…it looks like he is knowingly running late”

 I grinned without thinking, “he has been a tad nervous about telling you” I agreed giggling.

  He looked heavenward “Nervous!” he repeated incredulously “I canna believe the bastard kept it from me for near on two years…normally he canna hold his own pish” he snorted.

 I bit my bottom lip trying to still the laughter building, remembering Rupert’s nervous dance broaching the subject. “Well he was fairly afraid; he likened it to an illicit affair”

 Jamie just roared laughing and said “he should be so lucky”

 The words were out before he realised and we sobered quickly, silence overcoming us again, “Do you want a coffee…I mean while you wait?”

 “aye that would be great” Jamie replied smiling.

 I busied myself in the kitchen with my percolator coffee pot, the aroma of coffee billowed through the apartment and I eventually carried two mugs and the pot out to Jamie, he was standing on our veranda.

 “oh god arnt you freezing?” I asked, placing down the mugs and coffee pot.

 “I dinna feel the cold much” , he raked his hand through his hair, he looked like he wanted to crawl out of his own skin, clearly he was finding being in my home as difficult as I was having him there. I handed him a mug and leaned up against the balcony railings letting the breeze take my hair away from my face.

 I looked up to find Jamie studying me carefully, “yer hair got so long” he blurted out.

 I reached self consciously to it, a blush spreading across my face. “Oh ya…I cut it for Bosnia” (he knew that, he had raked his fingers through it when I came home with it cut into a short bob ‘mo nighean donn ye look so different” then while nibbling my ear whispered “I must take ye to bed immediately to make sure I ken this strange woman” I could still recall feeling his smile against my neck, as he bit down softly on the delicate skin there. Calling it to mind caused my stomach to tighten in pleasure, suddenly aware that I was biting my bottom lip at the memory, I cleared my throat and said “so after you know I just let it grow”

He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat and whispered “its bonnie Claire”

 My eyes shifted to the side, to avoid his gaze, persistent and intense, “What made you move to London?” I blurted out regretting it instantly, his mouth opened but no words came out, when he spoke again it wasn’t to answer my question “Claire I ken ye dinna really want to see me…”

 “Jamie” I interrupted but he raised a finger to indicate he wanted to finish, “Even when I met ye in the tube ye couldna wait to get away…so I ken this isna easy”

 Isnt easy doesn’t come close, I thought.

 “Jamie” I said exasperatedly “look its not that I don’t want to see you…but I didn’t see the point really?”

 I nibbled my bottom lip, trying to conjure up words so that he needn’t flatter himself thinking he had the power to hurt me. “When I left Edinburgh I had no intention of maintaining a friendship with you…so why would I meet you for coffee…to talk about old times? Or to find out what were both up to now? Because that’s what old friends do…” I trailed off.

 His eyes were like a lie detector watching me as my fingers curled around a loose strand of hair. “That isna what I meant Claire…I just met if by me coming here I have upset ye or…”

 “Oh for gods sake” all graciousness gone from my voice, I rolled my eyes “Jamie please don’t flatter yourself any further, I have moved on with my life…just because I don’t want to see you doesn’t mean I am still in love with you” I spat out.

 He looked like I visibly struck him and I lamented in my head for being so brutal,   lying to save honor. He had degraded me enough by his betrayal with her, I was not going to allow him to do that again, ever.

 He looked at the ground and when he looked up again, his eyes shone with moisture, I wasn’t sure if it was from the cold air or something else.

 “I would never assume such a privilege Claire” he said softly.

 He moved forward suddenly bridging the gap between, his hand rose slowly, and for a minute I flinched, tilting my head back slightly, he ghosted his hand over my cheek following down the line of my jaw.

“I was stupid enough to take yer love for granted once before, I would never make that mistake again” his hand dropped suddenly and he backed away.

I opened my mouth to speak but the bang of the front door echoed through the apartment along with Rupert’s voice shouting “Claire bear where are ye, yer ex is calling by and...” Jamie took one step back, before he could finish his sentence he spotted Jamie with me on the veranda, stiffness obvious between the two of us. “Oh right well this is vera civilised” Rupert’s attempt at a joke fell flat, Jamie placed his mug down on the patio table and said gruffly “thanks for the coffee Claire, C’mon” motioning his head at Rupert.

[blackfen]

Split

(inspired by both @cockybusiness and @sheithpocalypse)

-

To say he was getting frustrated was the understatement of the century.

Curled up on his side, staring at the wall, a white hot fire burning in his belly, the smoke traveling up to his lungs and heart, where it settled into the delicate membranes as a sharp, steady ache, Keith tried to make his eyes close, tried to force his body to take that one crucial step towards actually being able to sleep but every time he left himself be engulfed in darkness, Shiro’s baffled expression – one with a hint of agitation around the edges, not enough that someone unfamiliar with him would be able to see but for Keith, it was as clear as daylight – floated up from the dredges of his mind, and he found himself, once again, infuriated to the point that he felt sick.

Behind him, the comm suddenly lit up, emitting a soft squeak that made him flinch. He glanced over at the clock. Right on fucking time. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back to glance over at it. When he saw the familiar name float up onto the screen, he immediately rolled back over, staunchly determined to ignore it. A couple squeaks later, and the thing went quiet. He was thrown into silence again, the only sound being the blood rushing in his ear. What was this? No, seriously, what the fuck was this? Was Shiro messing with him? Was that what this was? Some kind of sick joke? Keith forced himself to take a deep breath. No, no, he knew that wasn’t the case. Shiro would never do something like that…

He was just tired. There’d been a lot of stuff going on, and with this…bizarreness thrown into the mix, he’d been knocked all out of sorts. Right now, he just needed to get some sleep so that tomorrow he would be well rested, and thus would have an easier time just putting all of this out of his thoughts. Tomorrow, he would forget about all the strange calls, he’d forgot about Shiro’s annoyance and exasperation at something that Keith knew was happening but couldn’t explain or understand – he’d forget about all of it.

The comm lit up again, the same familiar squeak. Once again, Keith rolled over, took one look at the screen, and rolled back. Not tonight. He’d answered it every night that this had happened for the past month but not tonight. Whatever joke this was, whoever was playing this cruel trick on him, he’d had enough. No more. The comm went silent. Keith let out a long, heavy breath. Just as he was about to inhale, it lit up again.

And again.

And again, and again, and again.

By the sixth time, red was burning around the corners of his vision. Every muscle in his body was so tense that he was shocked his spine didn’t snap in half. Hurling himself up off the bed, he stomped over to the comm, slammed his hand down onto the answer button and snarled, “What?!”

“There you are.” Shiro’s soft, smooth voice, full of gentle warmth and happiness floated up from the speaker. On screen, his face was clearly visible. The same face he’d seen earlier in the day, looking at him with increasing annoyance, carefully hidden behind a mask of surprise, peered at him through the screen. Only this time, the gaze looking at him was disarmingly sweet. A slight smile tugged at the corners of full lips. There was a comfortable, open, honest look to the Shiro on the screen.

“Shiro, this isn’t funny.” Keith said coldly.

Thick eyebrows rose in surprise. Shiro cocked his head, and asked, “What’s not funny?”

“This!” Keith exploded, jabbing a finger at the screen.

“Keith, I don’t understand. Tell me what’s wrong.” Shiro said soothingly, “Did something happen?”

Scrubbing one hand over his face, Keith snapped, “Why did you lie to me?”

“Lied to you? When?” Shiro responded, sounding confused.

“You said earlier that we haven’t spoken in months!”

“When did I say that?”

“Earlier! When I called you, and asked why you always called me so late, you said we haven’t talked in months! Why did you lie to me? Why did you say that we haven’t talked when you’ve clearly been contacting me?”

Shiro stared at him for a moment, thick brows knit together over a concerned gaze. Speaking slowly, he said, “Keith, this is the first time I’ve contacted you today.”

“Stop-!” Raising up one fist to bring it down hard onto the comm station, Keith stopped short just before impact. Sucking in a deep, shaky breath, swallowing hard against the bile rising in his throat, his stomach a whirling mass of just nausea, Keith set both hands down onto the cool surface of the comm surface, focusing every ounce of his attention on that sensation, of the cold bite of the metal against his skin. He could feel his heart beating. There was a rush of noise in his ears as blood thundered through his veins. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this enraged. It must’ve been years ago, when Voltron was still actually a thing.

“Keith-“ Shiro began to say, obvious concerned laced through his soft voice.

“Don’t.” He coughed out, “Just don’t.”

Sitting down heavily in the nearby chair, covering his face with his hands, he waited until he felt like he could actually breathe again before asking, “Why did you lie to me?”

“Keith, I’m telling the truth. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the first time we’ve spoken since yesterday.”

“I talked to you earlier!” Keith exclaimed hotly, “You told me that we-“

“Keith.” Shiro said, “Baby, listen, you need to-“

Whatever he said next was lost to a barrage of cacophonous confusion. ‘Baby’…Shiro had…Shiro had just called him…’baby’. Why…why had Shiro called him ‘baby’? Shiro didn’t call him ‘baby’, Shiro called him Keith, why had Shiro called him ‘baby’?

…who the fuck was he talking to?

The thought had crossed his mind that this might be a huge, elaborate prank or some kind of enemy somewhere trying to trick him but he’d never given a whole lot of credence to the thought…until now that is. Sitting straight up, his anger cooling in response to what might be new found information that could explain this bizarre situation, Keith asked, “Are you really Shiro?”

“As far as I know.” Shiro chuckled, but the smile was quick to fade when Keith didn’t smile back. “Keith, what’s-?”

“Why’d you call me ‘baby’?”

“What?”

“Just a few moments ago, why’d you call me ‘baby’?”

Looking thoroughly confused by that point, Shiro glanced off to the side, almost as though he didn’t understand the question then looked back, and said slowly, “Because you’re my boyfriend?”

“…..huh?”

“Keith, what’s going on? Are you okay? Listen, maybe you should come home-“

“What the fuck are you talking about? Shiro, you’re married! You’ve been married for six years now!”

And now there was concern added into the obvious confusion, “Keith, we’ve been together for two years. We haven’t even broached the topic of getting married yet. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to-“

“Not to me! To Curtis!”

“Who? Keith, baby, is your Mom there? Can you go get her?”

If he got out of that chair, he was going to fall flat on his face. His head wasn’t just whirling, it was caught up in a goddamn tornado. Gawking, not even sure what to think at that point – if this was someone trying to trick him, they were doing a sorry fucking job of it. Boyfriend? They hadn’t seen each other in person in six years! They’d barely spoken in those six years! Shiro was married, not to him but Curtis, a man Shiro had only met once, and it was one the first fucking day of his life. The question stood be answer again, even though he didn’t have any information that could fucking answer it: what was this?! Who was this? Why did he look exactly like Shiro, talk like Shiro but ultimately, obviously, wasn’t fucking Shiro?

“Keith-“

“Just, stop. I can’t-“ Keith pushed his fingers through his mussed hair. It had to be a trick but if it was a trick, why would they use such an obviously fake story? Who in their right mind would actually think he’d fall for this? It was stupid, beyond asinine! This couldn’t be Shiro!

“Baby, please, look at me.”

“Stop calling me that!” Keith shouted, his head shouting up. Tears slipped out of the corners of his eyes. The reaction from Shiro was immediate. Eyes widening in shock and alarm, he jumped up from his seat, one large hand resting on the corner of the screen, staring up with a look that clearly said that he wanted to be there with him, to be right beside him…but there was millions of light years between them.

“Baby, baby, look at me, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s-“

Suddenly, Shiro’s voice stopped. The transmission was still ongoing but he went still, his expression suddenly slack, eyes completely blank. Letting out a sharp, hard breath, Keith leaned forward, his thoughts racing – was he finally going to see who was behind all this? Was the master mind behind this cruel, unfair prank going to be revealed, giving him a glimpse of whose face he was going to crush underneath the heel of his boot? -  then Shiro seemed to jerk back to life. Giving his head a hard shake, he pinched the bridge of his nose, blinked rapidly several times then slowly looked up.

“Keith?” He said groggily, “What are you? What’s going on?”

“Why’d you call me?” Keith asked softly.

“Call you? Keith, are you still on that? I told you, I haven’t called you.”

“You called me just now.” Keith snapped, suddenly angry all over again. “That’s why we’re talking. Shiro-“

“Keith,” Shiro sighed with obvious irritation, “I don’t have time for this. Curtis and I have a lot of stuff we need to get done tomorrow. I don’t know what’s going on but I’m telling you the truth: I have not called you.”

“Then why are we talking?”

“I don’t know, Keith.” Shiro replied tersely, then seemed to realize how harshly he was speaking. Sighing heavily, his shoulders slumping, Shiro brushed a hand through his short hair, and for the first time, Keith noticed how exhausted he looked, “I’ll talk to you later, Keith. Good night.”

With that, Shiro disconnected the transmission, leaving Keith staring at a blank screen. Sitting back in his chair, angry, confused and exhausted himself, the realization that this wasn’t a prank or a trick crept up from somewhere deep inside his mind. For one, the logistics of it just didn’t work. Two, he couldn’t fathom any reason to do this, other than to cause him torment and this was a little excessive, even for a lot of the enemies he’d made along the way. Three…well, instinct, something he learned to trust a long time ago. Anger, sadness and confusion had caused him to jump to a knee jerk assumption, one that was meant to hurriedly explain something incomprehensible. Now that the source of all those emotions had been removed, leaving him with a smoldering fire deep within the pits of his belly, he couldn’t think…semi clearly.

And it was obvious. That was Shiro…both of them. One was married to Curtis, and didn’t remember calling him during the middle of the night to talk like they’d use to before…before Allura sacrificed herself. The other…Keith’s heart twisted in agony…boyfriend, the other thought they were boyfriends and he was the one who called him. Two Shiros…existing in the same body. It felt like a huge jump to just assume that was the case but…what other explanation was there? None, as far as he could see. He’d even saw the switch, right in front of his very eyes! Shiro probably didn’t even realize it – that’s why he didn’t know he’d been making calls to him in the middle of the night.

“Two Shiros.” Keith mumbled, slowly standing up, the world tilting dangerously. Stumbling back over to his bed, he dropped down heavily, rolled back over onto his side, and curled up into a tight ball. This…this was information he never wanted. There was a Shiro who he used to be close to, who he watched get further and further and further away as their lives became radically different. There was a Shiro he watched walk down the aisle, into the arms of a man who wasn’t him. There was a Shiro who he could barely just talk to anymore – the awkwardness between them was so immense that, at times, he felt as though he was talking to a total stranger. That alone had almost been too much for him to bear, driving him to put even more distance between them so he wouldn’t have to deal with the agony of being an acquaintance after he had once laid bare everything, only to have it forgotten and left to fall into the white abyss of an unknown planet but now…

There was a Shiro who loved him, who called him ‘baby’, who said he was his boyfriend, and they’d been together for years. Yet, there was no relief, no sweetness, no joy to be found in that because this Shiro, an amalgamation of the real one, was hidden deep within the subconscious of a man he loved so much that the night he got married, Keith had spent the night bent over a toilet, vomiting up wave after wave of stomach acid until his throat bled. That…was beyond cruel. It didn’t matter who that Shiro was, what caused such a dramatic split between the two personalities or why this Shiro was in love with him while the other had married someone else, none of it mattered. All that mattered, in that one single solitary moment, was that for the second time, Keith had been given a glimpse of what it felt like to be loved by that man, only to have it ripped away, leaving him gasping for breath, halfway wishing he had never met him in the first place.

[sixcastappreciation]

sixcago gave me my gay rights

alternative title: review of the evening sixcago show on july third

this is like almost 4k and its mostly just rambling but i need to express how much i love sixcago

like at least half of this is just me being gay so i bolded some of the things that i found really interesting and isnt just me like, freaking out

so to start off: holy shit. the energy of the entire show was amazing, it was really funny and fun and the acting/dancing/singing was on point like i cant think of a single complaint on the part of any of them.

so to get into the actual show

ex wives

when the curtain came up and the smoke started pouring out i actually felt my soul leave my body it was such a good moment

less than thirty seconds in brittney mack made eye contact with me and i swear to god my heart stopped and i honestly had trouble focusing on the rest of the song

i am not exaggerating that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth

shes............. literally so good im still shaking as i write this like three hours later

the third repetition of the rhyme where they all sound kinda pissed off? they nailed that

adrianna was so cute when she said “you wont try that again”

andrea holy shit. thats really a wrap on that

abby got that like, kinda head in the clouds thing that i feel like is janes Brand during this part

when he saw my portrait he was like JaaAAaaa

i love brittney mack

courtney knew what she was doing with that prick line. get it girl

anna has the most angelic voice i swear to god

the six of them work really well together on stage???? like i know its all choreo and stuff but you could Feel the energy that they had together it was good

oh man the choreo for the end. im so gay

intro thingy:

adrianna with that riff!!!!! we stan

annas face after “herstory” was iconic. she knew what she had done wrong

you couldnt hear the intro for maggie bc people were cheering so loud

the way adrianna says maria made me gay

abby also knows what she had to say. she knows how cursed janes sense of humor is and she was really playing it up

protestent............ protestant

“we’ll tell you what you want what you really really want” this made me laugh so hard i dont rly remember the next like thirty seconds because i was dying

“the biggest.... the firmest......... the fullest..............” im. i cant

no way

“maria” AGAIN adrianna please. please i cant handle it

“OH muy bien aHHah” not to be Lesbian On Main but fuck this was so cute

her emotion during the monologue was SO funny

it was peak, it was so good

she really gets it. i dont totally know what it is but this aragon monologue gets it

when she said “really trying” she did like, a motion. i cant go into more detail but Fuck

so after “move me into a convent” everyone like, gathered around aragon and adrianna did a

well idk what youd call it but a like

her entire torso swung around in a huge circle right before “i dont think i’d look that good in a wimple”

and idk what it was but that part just made me Lose It

adrianna had this way of making it all a little funnier?

like catherine is usually pretty Serious, i think but it felt like adrianna knew she was playing a character who was Like That, if you will, and was kinda leaning into breaking the fourth wall a little

i can probably elaborate if that doesnt make sense

you say its a pity cos quoting leviticus ill end up kiddiless all my life

she said that with such conviction goddamn

oh, he doesnt remember

this was so good

the “sh-”s were really funny

the fucking. i dont know what it is but the *ting*

holy shit

i cant put into words

how much i loved that part

the pause after “i’ll go” was............ expansive

i just checked it was 10 whole seconds

that doesnt sound long but it felt like forever

she went high on “end of my life” and thank u for mine adrianna hicks

the amount of no’s was impressive and im heart eyes for it

adrianna just had really good stage presence

like i caught myself looking at her during the dance breaks of all the songs when i wasnt looking at brittney

it was just so fun to watch her go!

dluh

during the intro of like “yeah, you know, the really important one” andrea was doing some Dumb Shit in the background

like i dont know exactly what it was but she was just like

idk like noodling around in the back

and i caught her eye and she like, smiled a little

the gasps the rest of them did were....... cute

then andrea busted out a full on fucking witches cackle

then she stuck her tongue out and looked like she was taking a selfie and it was so cute

like, her tongue was OUT

“not my thing” had the BIGGEST uwu energy of anything ive ever heard

i thought people were kidding when they said andrea boleyn had uwu energy

they were not

pret a manger barely came across as a real line it was more like, an experience

the sorry not sorry choreo. its so funny and cute and simultaneously cursed

the way andrea delivered her lines here was just

it was like, cutesy and fun but also kind of cursed

uwu

when she said “are you blind” andrea like, gestured to herself, in a like “look how hot i am” kinda way

which might be the standard? either way it made me laugh a lot

don’t be bitter/cos im fitter was the only line in the entire production said with a british accent and it fucking slayed me on sight one hit ko

i actually like that they changed “mate, what was i meant to do” to “wait, what was i meant to do” because

it implies that anne had no other train of thought than the one she was on and thats very funny to me

i think it fits w andreas portrayal too

everyone was like, fake crying when anne fake walked down the aisle and it was really funny imo

and as soon as she got to the end anne like, turned, yk?

bro just shut up

the entire audience gasped after that

andrea had actual like, panic on her face

then she led into “i guess he just really liked my head”

and there was a beat after that, where everyone laughed

it was long enough that everyone got the joke

then she mimed the blow job

her riff on “hell”? iconic

“wait, didnt you actually die” no jane she was beheaded but she was fine

abby seymour said dumbass rights she has the Dumbest Bitch energy god

“catherine of aragon had tragically died” catch adrianna looking like, yeah it was so sad for me, how terrible, right?

then boleyn goes off

the. fury, passion, anger, zest, contained in andreas “MASSIVE-”

“over my dead body” andrea gave her this look like, youre damn right it will be

heart of stone

oof

okay so the monologue

oof

“i was lucky. okay, i was really lucky” o o f

“edwina” is still cursed tho

i dont know what it was about this. i dont know if it was abby, or the dialogue, or just it being live but

this made it clear that jane had been Through It

like, this monologue came across (to me at least) as unquestionably a “woman who was abused trying to justify it to herself” kind of situation

“and that’s not because i was scared,” she said, wearing an absolutely terrified expression

this is where she started tearing up i think

okay i gotta take a moment here because

abby was fully crying before the song even started

like somewhere about halfway through her monologue she started tearing up

i was looking for it specifically

i wrote this before the last part so see above

so by the first fucking like of hos you could hear her voice breaking

holy shit ms meuller what the fuck

im not kidding who gave her the right

at the stagedoor she said that after this she was like, “well thats it for my makeup” when someone complimented her song

she is crying. the first chorus and she is actively crying. in the breaks between her lyrics you can hear her crying

abby went high on a couple of notes in here

she riffed on “truthfully” and it was, wow

she didnt go for the whistle tones which was, honestly? the most relatable thing in this entire show

but a couple of the other notes she went high on and they were so killer

there was a second or two of pause after the end where everyone just, absorbed things before the applause

i have some questions for abby about this actually because i dont know if its just because the monologue was different than im used to but

i just want to know if abby meant to have everything come off like That but god

the mental gymnastics jane is doing here are so intense

this performance genuinely changed how i listen to hos forever

i dont think i can ever peacefully listen to this song again

this song gave me so many layered emotions thank u abby mueller

haus of holbein

hans................................. *holbein*

the chaos

i honestly barely remember most of it it was

i had no idea who to be looking at

but i remember it being beautiful

i dont have the words to express how

fucking funny it was

the accents were hilarious

like they werent great german accents, but that made it far better

they were leaning into the ridiculousness of it all

the way abby said “but we cannot guarantee that you’ll still walk at forty” had me on the ground

ive spent the last 24 hrs trying to figure out exactly why it was so funny and i think i got it

she dropped the german accent

and she straight up sounded like she was reading off the side effects of a pharmaceutical ad on tv

the freeze frame? legendary

anna and courtney (im pretty sure?) managed to look so genuinely offended that henry swiped left on them

your highness your highness your highness

god adrianna please

actually every h sound that came out of their mouths

but adrianna Got It

get down

oh god i gotta talk about “didnt live up to his expectations”

brittney like, half took off her jacket and gestured to her body and like, body rolled a bit and honestly? i was fucking dead

the sarcasm really jumped out here. brittney went off in the best way possible

she was fully fake sobbing right before “tragic”

fucking legend

brING me some pheasant!

the woof line is always a good moment but their facial expressions really made it work here

this song has the most outwardly complex choreo (ofc i cant speak to its actual difficulty) and every single one of them crushed it

brittney made eye contact w me again on “looking cute” and im deceased

oh god after “take my fur” she whispered “thank you. honestly” and gestured to herself again and like, i was dying

iirc brittney was like, skipping across the stage or something on “i look more rad” and snapped into position for “lutheranism”

we gotta take a moment to appreciate the operatic talent of that one “get down you dirty rascal” instead of the slo mo

like, ofc the slo mo is a good moment but

brittney went full opera and it was,

wow

shes got a voice on her holy shit

so much talent in such a tiny body

aCHYEAH

she picked the person sitting next to me to dance w her and

they did their cute little dance thing and then brittney gestured like, go sit down, and the person did, then stood back up and started dancing again

not like, in a bad way i dont think

it was super fuckin funny and after the song brittney was like “oh that was cute you think youre funny”

but i heard them talking at the stagedoor and like, brittney was chill it wasnt like a violation of anything

im not explaining it very well but it was really funny in person

everything about her on stage was just, so enrapturing

i dont have too many specific notes about this song because it would probably turn into just, me being gay, which is enough of this already

anyway! get down was good brittney mack is a stellar cleves

her fake crying is next level tho

the confrontation

boleyn, unprompted: i lost my head!

the beheaded cousins high fived after “nice neck” and like, stuck out their necks a bit it was so funny

seymours “i died”

we all know abby is gonna kill her line delivery

but GOD

and then after, she like, realized what she had said and struck a pose like, shit please still think im regal

the line itself was actually pretty, uhhhh, sad

theres something about boleyn roasting khoward in andreas voice

courtney with that “and your songs” had perfect timing

also “when will justice be SERVED” had such good punch to it

after she did that she like

rubbed her hand on janes face

and abby looked SO offended

theres something so, sincere about courtneys delivery of her roasts that i hadnt been getting and its SO much funnier to me

i forget exactly where but at some point boleyn aragon and howard were arguing

and in the background it really looked like seymour and cleves were having a normal conversation and i lost it like. they were just chattin

there were a couple moments of like, cleves and seymour interacting and it was interesting

aywd

courtney! mack! took! no! prisoners!

jesus christ

okay so i dont know if other howards do this or if it was just because i was seeing it live and up close and that made the difference but

for me the most compelling part of this howard was the fear

like yes there was the sadness/anger/etc like there was good emotion but

from the “he says we have a connection” re: henry, and then on, everything about courtneys body language just screamed that she was afraid

idk i might expand on this in a separate post because its a darker topic but yeah. holy shit that was emotional

not a single person clapped after the last line. they all waited until after “yeah, and then i was beheaded” before clapping

like the theater was dead silent. DEAD silent

it was like, so haunting because it was just courtney on stage at that point, with just the white spotlight on her, it was a Moment

im not sure i have the heart right now to get too deep into this

if it would be particularly interesting to anyone feel free to ask, im happy to get more into it but idk its just Emotional

actually this is already so long ima go for it

so on each “we have a connection” it was uhhhh parr and aragon (i think) who each put a hand on like, her clavicle

and for the first two verses she grabbed one of the hands and was like, flirty? ig

but on the one about henry seymour also put a hand around her waist and she like

she freaked out

and listening back to the audio i can

unpopular opinion perhaps but the actual emotion of her on stage didnt come thru in the audio

because it was so physical

like you could see how scared she was

which made it more relateable to me honestly

like she looked so so scared

it was heartbreaking

the confrontation part ii

oh BOOH OO MISTERESSES

“okay catherine, babes” is CUTE fight me

anna looked like, progressively more concerned as that beat went on, and then she just kinda like, deflated? it was really funny tbh

idk her parr feels Different than the parr im used to

during “oh im catherine parr i draw the line in arbitrary places” courtney was playing with her hair it was hashtag cute

BACKING VOCALS RIP CATHY PARR

idnyl

a cute little b flat major 7

yeah anna parr seems

hmm

she seems like she’s just, over henry

like from the start she just has no time for him

idk im Conceptualizing

anna uzele is

her voice is next level

she put survived in the “got married to the king became the one who survived” in air quotes which i think is an interesting note

anna got really physically into the “remember that...” bit of it and everyone in the back was also having a good time with it it was Good

andrea. she stuck her pointer finger between two of her other fingers on her other hand for the “my sixth finger” line and it was SO funny

khoward keeping aragon in line was

not the hot take i was expecting but nevertheless the one we deserved

both for “dissolution of the monasteries” and “well actually”

idk it was a cute character moment

one of *unsure, disgusted, vaguely annoyed* siiiIIIiix

abby was right in front of me and she looked SO uncomf

yeah, i read

iconique

andrea like, threw her head back for this line

the pause after “theres not much we can do about it now” is

painfully long and so so so funny

i was only really looking at brittney but she was like, arms down head up no body language it was SO funny

also her “yeah?” ended my life

she raised the mic up to her mouth while not moving an inch of the rest of her body

the part where they get all meta. has me dead

it was about halfway through this second part that i realized cleves had her coat back. i dont know when that happened. if anyone else knows when exactly anna of cleves gets her coat back after it gets taken off in get down please tell me. i genuinely want to know

this actually distracted me

i got vibes that they genuinely hated henry during this part

first off, mood

secondly, good

annas riffing. god.

she is so talented

dsfjksdf they all straight up left

six

the opening moment is really sweet and kinda funny

abby again killing it with janes cursed lines

courtney howard is actually so cute

when shes not being heartbreakingly sad that is

like her “bye!” was so cute

theyre all so supportive of each other its very cute

megasix

adrianna and abby both looked into my camera and like, i died

at the end anna and brittney were doing some dumb shit as they walked off stage and it was SO cute

after the show

i went to the stagedoor and it was a really fun experience! ive never done that before

it seemed like everyone was being pretty respectful and stuff, thank u six fans for being sane

i got four signatures on my program dklfjsldfjds

abby was such a sweetheart, we actually talked a tiny bit

i told her i loved her line delivery (because uhhhhhh i do) and she said that she tries to get in that comedic timing when she has Those Lines and like yeah

she was seriously the nicest

the ladies in waiting came out as well and everyone cheered for them and lets be real they DESERVE it

lemme sidebar here actually and talk about the ladies in waiting because

they killed it

bessie on the bass was living her best life at literally all times

brittney was also super sweet! i told her she had good energy (because uhhhhhh she does) and she was very nice about it!!!

i didnt really talk to anna or andrea but i got their signatures!

also speaking of my program im still losing my mind over “remembered for: headlessness” and “remembered for: staying alive”

thank u sixcago program

in conclusion! this was such a great+special experience!!! all of the actors were incredible, it was so wonderful

im also not claiming any of this stuff was unique to this performance or to sixcago in general this was just the stuff i noticed as i was watching it. if you clown on this post ill end u

[voidselfshipp]

The Devil Wears A Suit And Tie

Chapter 1

♤|Chapter 2: Smoke And Mirrors|♤

Wordcount: 1,220

<♤|♡|♤>

You know how they say everything reflects ourselves?from the way we talk,to the way we walk,how we move and how we phrase things.

Sometimes its like a clear mirror ,other times its covered by smoke.

And yet jerico managed to be both.

It was beyond errons comprehension how she managed such duality.

In duty she was professional,lethal and efficient,she was snarky and salty all the way,but outside work she was quite the opposite, humble and charming,helping and funny,reckless even,and to this point he wasnt sure what part of her was true.

So he decided to ask her one evening,as both relax in a bar after a Long day of killing people and doing terrible things.

--So sugar..-the Man asks taking a swig of his whiskey-- tell me now, whats the deal with this civilian façade?

She sighs with a soft smile,hitting her nails against the glass of her irish whiskey, looking up at erron with those green eyes he started to love so much --Truth is this is who I am really, work for me is one thing,and I dont like to fake stuff,but you aint gonna ask your target how they feel about becoming shredded cheese I mean...--the texan gives her a soft nodd,listening carefully-- look erron,I shouldnt be saying this,but I have siblings,family out on the world who need money, I myself need it,because as much as I love doing art,it aint gonna pay my sibs schools loans and food,plus other expenses Like medical bills or clothes,so here is big sister jerico helping them...-she looks away back to her drink-- my siblings are the most important thing to me, and I can and Will kill for them,I mean,thats where the money comes from anyway

Both share a soft chuckle.

--y'know sugar, I do appreciatte you openin' up to me, in this bussines is rare to find noble people

--As noble as a hitwoman can get...

--Dont go saying that now, what you do its not for greed, look I May have not had the best upbringin' but I do know someone noble when I see one

Erron takes her hand,their glances meet and both lean in.

--You smell of death

--You aint far behind darling

--come over to my place and I can help you with it

--That a date?

--is this?

Erron shakes his head breathing a chuckle,both back off and enjoy the night softly talking about anything.

The bar slowly emptied and less and less people were coming in.

--Look I know you can take care of yourself erron,but my place isnt so far, come over

--Is this part of your civilian mask?

--for the last time erron-- this is me talking,jerico, ugh look I dont need to explain this again

--Easy sugar,I was just joking With ya,of course...

He folds his arm and she takes it,both walk in silence.

Erron would ocassionally take a peek at her and what she was doing,she seemed deep in thought.

--You planning my murder there sweetheart?

--huh?-jeri lets out a giggle when she realizes what he said- no no,i was trying to remember if I had food in my fridge,I probably do, you Picky with what you eat?

--Not at all darling,though dont think ill let you do it yourself

--Erron please--

--You invite me to spend the night at your place plus giving me a Plate of warm food?like hell im gonna let you Cook, you sit back and ill manage

--I thought we were trying to kill eachother

The cowboy shakes his head--to this point darling...do I need to drop on my knees for you to realize?

--no no...I do get it completly, I really do, but if you want to,I dont mind,You seem like a good Man erron,uh work aside that is --She lets out a small laugh as he opens the door for her--quite the gentleman you are

--after you

Both go upstairs to jericos appartment,third floor far behind on a corridor.

--This place gives me the chills,this corridor looks like its part of a damn horror movie,sheesh

Erron didnt imagine her place to be so...her,an earthy green colour painted on the walls,paintings And trinkets hung on the wall, fairy lights.

--Ill go change,the kitchens right there

She pointed at a door and went into what the Man thought was her room.

Two big dogs and a cat sleep on the dark brown sofá.

He smiles and softly kneels to pet them.

The black feline purrs sleepily.

He spend a couple of minutes until he hears someone talk.

--So,what do you think?

He stands up to look at jerico,her hair down with q big light Gray hoodie on.

The Man takes some steps towards her and holds her hands leaning down to kiss her-- ravishing sugar...

--Thank you cowboy

Both stare into eachother eyes for a while,before closing them and leaning in for another kiss.

Long and soft it was,holding eachother close.

When they pull apart both press their heads togheter.

--Food?

--Food

And so the house was soon filled with the smell of food, wich awakened the pets,who sat infront of erron.

--the husky is Luisa,the Manchester terrier is missy,and the black cat is calcifer, and dont give them food,they are well fed

--They are looking at me with puppy dog eyes

--If you feed them then youll have to kiss me right--

He doesnt take long,and so he yanks her to him,kissing her and deepening it,making her moan in the process.

Jerico sighs in defeat-- Fine, feed them,you smooth bastard

The Man chuckles proudly and quickly cuts pieces to feed the animals.

Its pretty late after dinner.

--Here, I got these comfy pants for you to use,they are loose enough

--Mind if change here sugar~ ?

Jeri snorts--Hmph sure, eye candy for me

She lays on the matrimonial bed and lets her back face erron,who quickly sneaks into bed too, wrapping himself around her.

Its silent as a graveyard, and for maybe half an hour it stays like that.

--Hey cowboy,you wake?

--Yes sugar,whats up?

--Respecting what we talked about today on our way here,about Us being togheter ,I really want to y'know?, for me youre...for me youre perfect erron,and I swear to god I mean it you, you make me happy,and I want to be happy with you...

So...what do you say?

The Man pulls her closer to his chest,and he kisses the top of her head-- I would love to sweetheart...

Jerico turns around hugging him tightly, he returns the gesture and both start to laugh softly.

--So no more killing eachother now?

He said.

--im gonna kill you with love!lost of love!

She made him lay on his back,on top of him,hiding her face on the crook of his neck, kissing it and then aligning her face with his.

Even though it was dark,he could easily see her eyes,those he could get lost into.

--I swear I could get lost in your eyes sugar..

--Thats corny

--oh shut it,you love it

--Hmm youre right,but you know what I love more?

--what?

--You, you dork

She kisses him,chupping his cheeks.

Erron smiles and yanks her back besides him,hugging her tightly as he does so.

--Its late now jerico,tired yet?

--Very,the confession was keeping me up

The texan hears her sigh,and press her lips to his.

--night sugar. . .

--night cowboy

[cosmichoneyedblossoms]

White Sands

MERMAN Shownu X Reader

Genre: Fluffy

Word Count: 2,894

A/N: Okay, so, not gunna lie, this one was hard to write, but also fun! Thank you @xkpopobsessedx for helping me create ideas for this cutie! Anyway, I hope y’all enjoy!

Day One: 8:00 PM

“It’s been so long since we’ve been on a vacation together. What’s it been like, five years?”

“Mmm...” I hummed, scrolling through my phone. My mother tapped my leg, my eyes dragging up to see her face, “What?”

“Put your phone away. We’re going on this trip to get you out of your funk since that stupid boy broke your heart.”

“Can we not talk about Dean, please...” I asked, turning my head to look out the window.

“This four day get away at the beach should help you.”

“Yeah, because the ocean and sand can help me get rid of my depression...” 

“Don’t be like that, Y/N...” She whispered and I tuned her voice out as I watched the trees turn into beaches, tan sands fading almost to white due to the season change. The water soaking in the still warm air and bright sun, resting upon the shore line waiting to cover someone’s feet; I bet it’s starting to get cold, not like we’ll probably swim anyway. 

“We’re here.” We pulled up to a house that sat on the beach. The siding of the house colored a cerulean blue, fashioned with dark wood steps leading up to the door; even though the house was weathered, it still held some beauty. We stepped out of the car, pulling our luggage from the trunk, and then made our way up to the door. My mother opened the deep red door and we were greeted by the squeals of my older sisters, Anessa and Samantha.

“So glad you guys could finally make it.” Anessa took our mother’s luggage from her, sliding it over to the side of the couch.

“I’m sorry, girls. There was so much traffic on the highway.”

“No surprise there.” Sam grunted from the couch.

“Sorry to interrupt, but will you show me to my room, please?” I asked, Anessa skimmed over me, placing her hands on her hips.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I think the last time I saw you was at Christmas dinner with De—”

“All right, all right, let’s not pester, Y/N. She’s had a long week. Sam, honey, show her to her room, please.”

“Ah, okay, mom.” Sam replied, getting up from the couch. I followed her down the hall to the last room on the left and she opened the door, “Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Mmm...” I nodded and walked into the blinding room. Pale blue painted walls, dark wood flooring, driftwood colored furniture, white bedding, and a window seat facing the ocean.

Cute...

I opened my bag, unpacked my clothes into the dresser, then closed the curtains over the windows, and finally laid down on the bed, resting my eyes.

Day Two: 4:00 AM

I opened my eyes to a dark bedroom, the sound of the ocean waves seeping into the room.

How long have I been out?

I pulled my phone from under the pillow, the screen lighting up to show 4:02 on the clock. I laid my phone down, turning on the lamp on the side table, then getting up to pull a sweater from the dresser. I tugged it on, slipping on my shoes, and stepping out of the bedroom into the dim hallway. I padded my way across the floor into the dining room, sliding the glass balcony door open, letting the sea salt tainted air kiss my face. I closed the door behind me and walked down the balcony stairs, down into the sand. The sound of the waves crashing soothed my numb mind, my body being pulled closer to the shore; I sat down close to the water, watching it roll in and drift back out, when something moving through the water caught my eye.

A person swimming at this time of night?

I watched the body move closer and closer until I could make out his features in the moonlight— shaggy dark brown hair, soft cheek bones, but killer jaw line, thick lips, and sharp eyes.

Wow, he’s gorgeous...

He came closer until his body rested on the shore, everything but his head still under the water, “Hey...”

Is he talking to me?

I looked around, searching for someone else he could be talking to when he spoke again, “Who are you looking for?”

“I was making sure you were actually talking to me.” I confessed, tugging at the sleeves of my sweater. His eyes wrinkled as a beaming smile appeared on his lips.

“What is a beautiful girl like you doing out here in the middle of the night?”

“I could ask you the same thing. Isn’t the water cold?” I asked, moving closer to him, the water starting to touch my feet.

“Not really. I live in the water so it doesn’t really effect me.”

“Ah, you mean you’re always coming out to swim—”

“No...” The water splashed behind him and I leaned to the side, the dark red color coming into focus, “I’m a merman.” I got up to my feet, traipsing into the water, the iciness making me hiss, but I needed to make sure he wasn’t playing around with me, I needed to see if he was telling the truth.

“I thought mermaids and mermen were just old sailors tales, not real life...?” I questioned as he turned over, sitting on the ocean floor, his waist submerged under the water.

“We stay hidden for our safety.” He lifted his tail, the deep red iridescent scales glittering under the moonlight.

“What a shame, you’re a beautiful creature...” I ran my hand over his scales, his tail twitching at my touch. I flicked my eyes up to his face, his cheeks ruddied and his bottom lip caught between his teeth, “I’m sorry, I touched you without even asking,”

“No, no, that’s okay. I was just shocked you actually came out into the cold ocean to touch me.” He teased, his wet locks fell onto his forehead as he lifted his hand, “I haven’t introduced myself yet, I’m Hyunwoo, but you can call me Shownu.”

“Oh,” I took his hand into my own, shaking it, “I’m Y/N.”

“A beautiful name for someone like you.” My cheeks burned at his statement, his chestnut eyes stared into mine, his hand pulling me close, “Y/N...” My name bubbled from his lips, his voice hypnotizing me, “I’m sorry, but the sun is starting to come up, so I must take my leave.”

“Oh...” I turned towards the horizon, hints of pinks starting to tint the sky, “Has it really been that long?”

He grunted to my question, “Can I see you tomorrow night, well I should say tonight?”

“Of course you can, if you want to.” A smile spread over his lips, his teeth peeking through his lips.

“Lovely. Meet here at midnight?”

I nodded, biting my lip.

“I’ll see you tonight, Y/N.” Shownu swam out into the ocean, soon diving down and disappearing.

Day Three: 12:00 am

“You came, Y/N.” Shownu laid against the shore, just as he did the night before.

“Did you think I wouldn’t?”

Shownu pondered my question then shrugged, “I wasn’t sure, but I’m glad you did.”

“I actually came prepared this time, too.”

“What do you mean by that?” He asked as I pulled off my sweater, Shownu clearing his throat, “Y/N, what’re you doing?”

“Taking off my clothes, so I can get in the water in my bathing suit and keep my street clothes clean and dry.” I laughed, seeing his cheeks flush.

“I thought you were—”

“Oh, I know what you thought.” I teased, tossing my shorts with my sweater away from the shore and stepping into the water, taking a seat next to him. He cleared his throat once more, scooting closer to me, peering into my face.

“Y/N?” 

“Yes?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes? Especially in the moonlight?”

I laughed a bit, nudging him, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re such a flirt?” Shownu let out a chuckle leaning into me, sighing comfortably, “I do have a question for you, Shownu.”

“And I have an answer for you... probably.”

“If staying hidden was to keep you safe, why did you show yourself to me?”

“Hmm... that’s a good question...” He flicked his tail up, sucking his teeth, “Since I was a child, I could always tell when someone needed something. May it be an ear or someone to lean on, I could just feel it in my bones and seeing you last night, I could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t need to ask since it’s none of my business...” He paused for a moment, his hand ghosting over my fingers, “I’m here for you, whatever you need, Y/N.” I looked at him, his eyes catching mine.

“Shownu...” I felt a blush start to prickle at my cheeks and I looked down at my lap, soon his warm wet fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear, “Tomorrow is my last night here so, I wouldn’t get too attached to me.”

“I’m not going to worry about that right now. I’ll make the moments you spend with me memorable, to where you won’t forget me or want to leave me.”

“Not like I could forget meeting a merman.” I breathed, moving out into the water.

“Oh, would you like me to leave then?” He huffed, moving out into the water with me.

“No!” I exclaimed and Shownu snorted, trying to stifle a laugh, “Don’t be mean.” I splashed water at him and he chuckled.

“Oh, now it’s on.” He hissed, playfully pulling me to him, his fingers poking at my sides making me squirm and giggle under his touch. I struggled to get away from him, but his hands ceased their attack and held me close to him, his warmth spreading through my back.

“Is this where you kill me?” I joked, a laugh leaving him. 

“If I wanted to kill you, I would’ve already.” I rested my head against his chest, watching the moon ripple on the water. 

“The more time I spend out here in the water, the more I feel myself wanting to stay. For a change of scenery, to get away from my home, away from the memories that linger in that town...” I ran my fingers over Shownu’s arm, his grip tightening.

“Then why don’t you stay?”

“There’s just things I have to return to... work, school... life in general. I rather spend my time here, with you, soaking up the moonlight and avoiding stress.”

“Stress? Why are you so stressed?”

“It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got three more hours until daylight, so we’ve got time.” 

“Well...” I went into deep detail of my life for the past few months since my break up with my ex and about how I’ve been dealing with it. Every once in a while Shownu would ask a question and then fall silent again; once I finished my life story, Shownu rested his head in the nook of my neck.

“I wish you never had to go through that, Y/N... You’re such a sweet girl. If I were human, I would keep you by my side forever.” He whispered, placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.

“You’re too kind, Shownu... We just met and I feel like I’ve known you for forever.” I relaxed into him, sighing a bit, noticing the break of daylight leaking out onto the water, “Time to go, Shownu...”

“Just a few more minutes, please.” Shownu tightened his grip on me, burying his face into my damp hair.

“Just a few, I don’t want you getting caught.” Shownu lifted his head, turning it in close to my cheek, his lips grazing against my skin.

“Alright.” Shownu held me close for a few more moments, short silent moments, before he let me go and placed a soft kiss against my cheek, “Midnight, my dear.”

“Deal.” I smiled, watching him dive down, and disappear.

Day Four: 12:00am

I sat down on the cold sand in jeans and a thick sweater, the sea salt breeze starting to get colder every night. I watched the water ripple, waiting for Shownu to appear. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I rested my head on them, my eyes getting heavy. I dug my phone from my pocket, looking at the clock that read 12:10.

Maybe he got caught up with something... He knows it’s our last night...

I hugged my legs, burying my face into my sweater to fight off the cold breeze, closing my eyes.

“Y/N...” A gentle voice called out, rousing me from my sleep. I pulled my head up for the bright sunlight to blind me.

It’s morning?

I rubbed my eyes, blinking them a few times before trying to focus on anything around me.

He didn’t show...

Warmth spread over the top of my head, causing me to look up, a shadow looming over me, “I’m sorry it took me so long, Y/N, but I’m here now...” Shownu’s voice met my ears and I smiled.

“That’s funny... you sound like—” The shadow crouched down, my eyes focusing on the voice’s face, Shownu’s features coming into focus.

“It is me, dork.” He whispered and I looked him up and down, no tail, but human legs covered by the blanket I brought out.

���Shownu?!” I squealed, jumping from the sand to face him, “H-How is this possible?” I studdered, trying to take in his body. He stood, a little wobbly on his feet.

“When my father passed, he knew I was not meant for the sea, he gave me an elixir saying that it could make one sprout legs to walk the earth. I thought it was all a joke so I didn’t mess with it, but then I met you and I needed to at least try to see if it was real... and now...” He chuckled, “I’m here, in front of you, naked...”

“Oh shit, Shownu, let’s get you inside.” I took his hand, tugging him up to the balcony, “When did you get here? How long did you let me sleep?” I walked up the stairs and then I pushed open the sliding door to be met by my mother’s and my sister’s stares.

“Y/N? Who is the naked—”

“No time to explain, mom. Anessa, do you still have some of your husbands old clothes that don’t fit him anymore?” They stared at me then skimmed over Shownu, him shyly lifting his hand, waving— them not moving, “Y’all!” I yelled, Anessa rushing to her room.

“Let me go draw a bath for him, you must be freezing, dear.” My mother looked over him once more before going to the bathroom. Sam just sat there, ogling him, her mouth slightly ajar.

“Sam, go do something with yourself...” I growled, pulling Shownu over to the bathroom, my mother sliding out to let us through. I closed the door behind us and I sighed leaning against the counter, “They’re going to be the death of me...”

“They seem nice.”

“They can be, until they see a gorgeous man walk through the door.” Shownu chuckled at my words, “Alright, merman, get into the bath.” He looked at me and then at the bathtub.

“The what?”

“The bath...” I pointed at the tub and he shrugged his shoulders, starting to get into the bathtub with the blanket wrapped around his waist, “Oh, hold on...” I took the blanket into my hands, closing my eyes, pulling it from his body.

“Can I not get that wet?”

“I mean you could, but the bath is to wash you.”

“Wash me?” I opened my eyes to be met with his confused gaze.

“Yes, wash you. Now sit.” He sat down at my words.

“It’s hot.”

“Yup, that’s how it’s supposed to be.” I took the cup that was on the side of the tub and dipped it into the water, then pouring it over his hair. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and he cocked his head to the side.

“What’s that?”

“Shampoo, it’s to wash your hair.” I opened the cap and squirted the thick liquid into my hand and rubbed it into his hair, creating a thick lather, and then pouring the water through his hair once more to rise it out. I grabbed another bottle and handed it to him, “Okay so this is body wash, you take this...” I grabbed a washcloth from the rack over the toilet and handed it to him, “Soak that in the water and add some of the body wash to the cloth and clean your body. I’m going to go get the clothes from Anessa.”

“Mmm.” He nodded his head and I left the bathroom, Anessa, Sam, and my mother looking at me.

“What?”

“Who is that man?” Sam crossed her arms, huffing.

I laughed a little, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, just think of him as my new companion... Anessa, those clothes?”

“Ah.” She handed me a stack of clothes and I smiled, “When we get home, I’ll send these back.”

“Just keep them. They’re too big for him anyway.”

“Thanks.” I turned back and walked into the bathroom to see Shownu standing outside of the tub, a towel wrapped around his waist, “Oh, you’re done?”

“I think so.” 

“Well, c’mon, let’s go get you dressed.” I opened the door once again, starting to walk out when Shownu’s hand gripped onto the fabric of my sweater, following closely behind me.

Shownu sat on my bed, clothed in a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt, his eyes roaming the bedroom. I dug in one of the dresser drawers, pulling out another towel and I walked over in front of him, “Your hair is still wet, you’re going to get a cold, goofy.” I gently rubbed his hair, drying the dripping ends, his hands wrapping around my waist.

“Is this what it would be like everyday with you?” He nuzzled his face into my chest, my cheeks burning at the feeling of his warmth radiating through my body.

“Shownu, why did you change?”

Not missing a beat, he spoke, “Because I found someone I couldn’t live in the water with, so I changed...” He gazed up at me, his unwavering chestnut eyes looking into my soul, “So I could be with you.”