#like the good old days when i made incompherensible meta

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

but also the way the doctor’s warped view of themself and like, life? idk, shows itself so beautifully in that beach scene

“it’s what my life is”

no bestie youre mentally Unwell asdhfjhgjg

im joking but like thats what it is. thats what the doctor made. thats what the doctor is because the person underneath made it so

with 12 it was like, it’s the immortality that does this right? thats what it seemed like it was. everyone else dying. you cant keep your loved ones. same with drama king 10 burden of a timelord and all that. and sure theres some truth to that but it’s like river said. it just means time.

loss is inevitable but it’s not the doctor’s only, or even Main, issue. or maybe it is, maybe it has been, maybe it’s just with 13 that this has changed, or maybe loss has been a nice heavy blanket over All The Other Stuff

the doctor in new who has been grieving since we met them. it took 4 regenerations to process the time war. the doctor Knows what loss is, the doctor knows what grief feels like. the doctor in general i dont think has a particularly good idea of whats going on in their head. they act on feelings that they cant quite identify, or cant track the source of, or identify too late. theyre scared of their anger and theyre scared of their love because both make them act before they can think (rip torvic)

ive said before but i still believe that both the doctor and the master are intensely emotion-driven but the master knows this about themself. the master either leans in (simm) or tries to contain (missy) or is being torn between the two (dhawan). when the master is acting out they Know. whether they can stop or steer themself probably varies case by case but they are Aware.

the master Knows what hes doing in spyfall and i think he despises it because it demonstrates such a great amount of control that the doctor holds over them without the doctor even being entirely aware of that control? i think?

i dont think the doctor realises that emotional control they inadvertedly have over the master, because i dont think the doctor is as aware of how either they or the master are driven by their emotions. the master is aware. of both of them.

point is, the doctor knows grief. they can identify grief, they can make nice monologues about it. but thats sort of it? i dont think they have as clear a view on any other complex emotional states they experience.

with 13 it’s like she came into the world with this blanket of grief ripped off. like of course shes grieving, she lost everyone, she loses grace, but that big clear visible and comprehensible blanket of Time War Grief has been removed.

i think maybe before, any other underlying complex emotions the doctor had would be filtered through the time war grief blanket. guilt, shame, anger, all could be tied to I Killed Them All. Im The Last One (”bill, this is missy, the Other Last Of The Time Lords”). 13 doesnt have that. thats gone. “new can be very scary”

shes dealing with all of the emotions that shes previously had but theres no framework at all. one singular lense for understanding all your emotions isnt necessarily ideal (that much fucking shows in 9-12) but at least it gives you the feeling that youve got a grip on something. you have a way to understand even if it doesnt make you understand right. it gives you a feeling of control even when you draw wrong conclusions. 13 doesnt have that. it’s just all noise. it’s just all noise and theres no way to make sense of it.

and it makes it very clear the things that are going on underneath, that have been there always but were filtered through Time War. the “they’ll get it all wrong without me”, the “well i have to be, because you guys need help”, the Doctor.

the doctor is a title and a function it’s not a name. titles are earned and functions are performed. what are you when you dont live up to your title and you fail at performing your function? well not the doctor thats for sure

I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name, because I won't be the Doctor any more.

DOCTOR: I help where I can. I will not fight. OHILA: Because you are the good man, as you call yourself? DOCTOR: I call myself the Doctor. OHILA: It's the same thing in your mind. DOCTOR: I'd like to think so. OHILA: In that case, Doctor, attend your patient. (Cass is brought in and laid on the altar stone. The Doctor scans her with his screwdriver.) OHILA: You're wasting your time. She is beyond even our help. DOCTOR: She wanted to see the universe. OHILA: She didn't miss much. It's very nearly over. DOCTOR: I could have saved her. I could have got her off, but she wouldn't listen. OHILA: Then she was wiser than you. She understood there was no escaping the Time War. You are a part of this, Doctor, whether you like it or not. DOCTOR: I would rather die. OHILA: You're dead already. How many more will you let join you? If she could speak, what would she say? DOCTOR: To me? Nothing. I'm a Time Lord. Everything she despised. OHILA: She would beg your help, as we beg your help now. The universe stands on the brink. Will you let it fall? Fast or strong, wise or angry. What do you need now? (The Doctor fingers Cass' baldric.) DOCTOR: Warrior. OHILA: Warrior? DOCTOR: I don't suppose there's a need for a doctor any more. Make me a warrior now.

a man is the sum of his memories, a time lord even more so. but memory is fallible, and very subject to change. i think more important than the memories is the narrative that is made from them. and what that narrative is titled – doctor, master. thats that what defines your continuity. whether you can turn the page and keep writing the same book.

theres something about the doctor being this Idea right? a spirit of hope and friendship that can spreads,,,, like a virus. right? like cybermen. it’s the idea of the doctor that makes them continue, replicate.

but that also makes the doctor not unique. and i guess none of us is really unique but also most of us dont have a name thats a title and a job and we dont spread our reason of being everywhere we go.

and i think it makes the doctor stronger, in a way, when they inspire people to act like they would. except, circling back, the doctor cant see themself that well. not as well as other people can. when people close to them start copying, they dont usually copy the bits the doctor would like to see copied. they copy the parts that they cant see very well because it doesnt fit The Story, it doesnt fit in the book titled The Doctor. it goes in books titled Oncoming Storm, and Butcher of Skull Moon, and War Doctor. it goes in books titled The Master, even, sometimes.

where was i going with this-

oh yeah. “i cant fix myself to anything, anywhere, or anyone”

theres a person under there somewhere who got so hurt that they had to construct,,, like a diving suit, or a spacesuit more apt, an orange one probably, to be able to stay in the world at all. a protective layer through which they can affect, but never be directly touched, or seen, beyond their general shape, and their face. and through the suit they are Helpful. because if theyre not here to make things better for other people who are hurt, if they cant help, if they cant cure, if they cant fix things, then whats the point in being here at all?

you know how coping mechanisms can turn counterproductive or harmful when youre removed from the situation in which they developed?

im broken, she says, i cant touch anything. i cant touch anything and i dont know how to make it better and making things better is what i do. it’s what i am. it’s all i am. because i made it so.

“it’s what my life is”

it betrays such a lack of control. It Is What It Is. my life is like this. i am like this. the doctor is this. and the doctor is the cage ive built around myself.

and that “because i might” feels to me like “mostly....angry”. like, a tiny revelation. not enough to put even a tiny dent in like the black box of lack of self-knowledge but you have to start somewhere. you have to start with ‘i dont think i want this anymore’ before you can figure out how to get to what you do want