#i need people to know about the terrible and heavy burden that is the akashi heart

[geometricalien]

Between Akashi & Furihata, if one of them died, who do you think is more likely to heal from the pain of loss sooner & moves on with his life?

When has Akashi Seijuurou gotten over anything in his fucking life? This rhetorical jest is an oversimplification of one of Akashi's character flaws which is his need for control. This is all to say, simply based on that, Furihata is the more emotionally intelligent of the two, the one more open and accepting to change. I think they both would require years to fully heal but I think Furihata would be the one to move on sooner.

I've tried to keep it short and direct above for those without brainrot but I AM going to go apeshit below the cut

Oh my god oh my god oh my GOD I'm so glad someone wants to hear me talk about THIS, THIS EXACT CONCEPT- ACCEPTING THE LOVE OF THEIR LIVES DEATH FASCINATES ME ENDLESSLY FUCK

Okay for reference there has been 2 fanfics involving this concept that I read when I first got into akafuri and they have HEAVILY influenced my perception of this question:

- The Truth About Reality; which is literally about Furihata not accepting Akashi's death and through mysticism goes to 4/5 different parallel realities to get him back. It's a favorite of mine and I read it once a year. It has themes of sacrifice and second chances which make it so crucial to the thematic elements of akafuri. Read it please

- Through the Air by Maiokoe; I love the first chapter, literally Kuroko Kagami Takao and Midorima come to Akashi while he is at work and inform him that Furihata's flight just crashed. It is so so so good. The way it plays out, Akashi's mounting fear, his resistance, the way his fear turns to anger then to despair- sometimes I cry when I reread it. And the last lines of the chapter---

What was a world without his lover? What was this life without his easy nature and smiles? What was this life without his affection? What was this world without Furihata Kouki? What did this world mean to him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What was Akashi Seijuuro without him? He didn’t want to find out.

Those lines have colored my opinion of what Akashi would be like if his husband died so fucking much that it really was eventual that I started my Greek fic where Akashi is Achilles and Furihata is Patroclus. So if you know the Iliad then you know how my fic will play out and exactly where I take a stance on Akashi’s terrible all consuming love.

To talk about the dissolution of happily in love akafuri by the cruel hands of death is to examine how their relationship evolved them and what being torn from their other half would do to them. To be haunted by their after image, to look at their favorite mug, to wear their favorite sweater- who would wear grief better. Who would welcome it, accept its presence. Who would repress it.

Please do not mistake what I'm saying to mean Furihata would move on quickly. Where Furihata is Akashi's light, Akashi is his gravity. He would be adrift and untethered without Akashi. The world would turn upside down. He would feel the expanse of their house, the emptiness of their bed. Furihata would be lost. It would take years to come down back to earth by himself.

Furihata would eventually move out of that house/apartment too full of memories, at the prodding of well meaning friends he would download dating apps, eventually he would go on dates and try his best to not compare them to his late husband because how could a man compare to a god. And then years and years down the line, when his heart only half aches when he sees a hair of red, when he only wears that old ratty sweater on the occasion bad day, he can look up into the sky and smile, thankful for the memories. I think he could even fall in love again, begin a new chapter.

A large chunk of Furihata is lost the day Akashi dies but he grows around the pain and walks on. Accepting the scars, accepting the love and pain, accepting it all.

As I said though, Furihata is Akashi's light. His metric on good and bad. The saving grace that redeemed him and inspired him to become worthy of such love.

Imagine if the sun was stolen from the sky and we were pitched into utter darkness. Until our eyes adjust and we can make out some shapes, you are surrounded in black black. Complete emptiness. Alone more than ever before and for a moment you think it will consume you. That is how Akashi feels for the first year until his eyes adjust to the darkness. He would continue in this shadow life indefinitely, watching everyone else patch themselves together and move on, while he.is.stuck. And he won't admit it and only those brave enough would say it to his face, but he is absolutely wallowing, sulking, in this darkness as self-punishment. that in some twisted sense, this is what he deserves. he digs his feet in, refusing to move. And if out of the corner of his eye a flicker of light dances, he would refuse to follow it. The dark is where he belongs.

He would bury himself in work. He would refuse to move out of their house. Refusing to touch any of the things that Kouki last left them, his toothbrush bone dry in the holder, the book he was reading on his bedside table.

And when his friends compare him to his father- he becomes furious, alight with indignation. He is not cold and cruel like his father had been. "No... you're empty."

It would take him so so long to accept that Furihata would want him to be happy even if its not with him. That he deserves to be happy. Only then would he take tiny half steps out of the cave he buried himself in, the cave that he would have made his grave.

As a side note, I mentioned Furihata falling in love with someone else afterwards... my personal interpretation is that Akashi could not. He would try if only just because he knows Furihata wants him to be happy and knew that Akashi is the most happy when he is in love- but The Akashi heart is a fearsome terrible all consuming thing.

Akashi Seijuurou, is a man who celebrated the anniversary of each milestone of their relationship. Akashi Seijuurou, is a man who is head over heels in love and worships the ground his beloved walks on. Akashi Seijuurou, is a man who calls their partner love- because they are the manifestation of their love. Akashi Seijuurou, is a man who would go to the far corners of the world to see if there was some way to still communicate with their partner if said partner was turned into a worm and would build a terrarium of utmost luxury for said partner and talk to the worm as if it was them, take the worm to see the sun meet the ocean, because they have to hope that their partner still has some consciousness. And if not, then he needs to do that for himself. To fool himself. And once that worm passes, he would be extra compassionate to earthworms because they remind him of them.

The Akashi heart is a blessing to the receiver for there is nothing stronger or purer. The Akashi heart is a curse to the creator if only because they have that one single heart and they are physically unable to take it back.

[amerain-k]

[fanmix] the fast train to kyoto

“Is this place even real? I feel like we’re in a story or something.”

“I feel much the same… I wonder what sort of story it is.”

Akashi Seijuurou is tired of people keeping him at a distance. One day on a train platform, he encounters a certain panicky point guard from Seirin. And he gets an idea. A terrible, awful, foolish idea… Naturally, he has to go through with it. The question is, will Furihata accept his invitation?

a fanmix for the beautiful akafuri fic “the fast train to kyoto”, written by @courtingstars​. key lyrics under the cut.

01. this train | 02. midnight coward | 03. make up words | 04. can i call you tonight | 05. sakurabito (cherry blossom viewer) | 06. my time with you | 07. all i wanted | 08. attraction | 09. in my little mind | 10. i wish i was the moon | 11. when it rains | 12. birdcage religion | 13. oozora de dakishimete (hold me, in the vast sky) | 14. au tabi suki ni natte (i fall in love every time we meet)

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1. this train - madeline

[akashi, furihata]

This train’s a moving forward I’m gonna catch a ride O, this train’s a moving forward I’m gonna catch a ride Scared if I don’t board it, it’d be bound to pass me by

Hacksaw, my one hand darling, how do you do now? O, Hacksaw, my one hand darling, how do you do now? I’d gladly lift your burdens, I’m afraid I don’t know how

O it’s a, Strange and Heavy, Strange and Heavy load. O when your, quick to catch it, slow to let it go

2. midnight coward - stars

[furihata]

What can’t be decided? In the morning it will bring itself to you I can’t see what’s coming but I’m not saying it

What’s your middle name? How do you play the game? I’ll be the first to leave

When did I grow up? I don’t want to say too much I’ll be the first to leave

What can’t be decided? In the morning it will bring itself to you What can’t be decided?

Before you enter thinking maybe it will choose But I can’t see what’s coming, I can’t see what’s coming I can’t see what’s coming but I’m not saying it

3. make up words - bedside

[akashi]

pick up

waste your time make up words because I don’t know what to say speak up it’s such a blur tell me how to leave cause you never want to stay

oh how the silence leaves a bitter taste my mouth is moving just to fill the space

I know it’s hard to see but I can’t forget what you have given me

pick up share your mind make up words when there’s just nothing left to say wait up we still have time spare a moment more before you drift away

4. can i call you tonight? - dayglow

[furihata]

I feel close Well maybe I’m not, heaven knows It’s a spotlight stuck on the ceiling Why are these the things that I’m feeling? There’s so much time For me to speak up, but I keep quiet I’ll complicate the most of the mantra The power is out and I can’t turn the fan on

So can I call you tonight? I’m trying to make up my mind Just how I feel Could you tell me what’s real? I hear your voice on the phone Now I’m no longer alone Just how I feel Could you tell me what’s real anymore? Cause I wouldn’t know

5. sakurabito - every little thing

[akashi]

translation: jpopasia and otenkiame

Ahh I was tired of waiting for the spring

I’m wishing to see you When I thought of you today too The wind suddenly enveloped me And dyed me in a cherry blossom color

[…]

There’s not one single thing That is the same as another Embracing the precious memories Of the single petal in my hand I entrusted it to the sky I’ll go with you

6. my time with you (너와 나의 시간은) -  vanilla acoustic (바닐라 아쿠스틱)

[furihata]

translation: sleeplessaliana

I still haven’t told you When I looked at you I pretended nothing was wrong As if I didn’t care

Actually, I’m someone Who spent so much time wanting you Your passing look, your cold smile Sometimes, they make me run out of breath We keep missing each other You and I, our time You’re like the sun inside of me That I hope will rise in the night sky

Actually, I’m someone Who spent so much time wanting you Your passing look, your cold smile Sometimes, they make me run out of breath

These small tremblings, this heart fluttering They are like gifts to me, they make me see you again It’s just feelings that I can’t throw away But my whole world is filled with you

Actually, I’m someone Who spent so much time wanting you Your passing look, your cold smile They stop me from going to you

7. all i wanted - daughter

[akashi]

All that I wanted wasn’t unwanted Oh and I wonder why I’m not wanted All that I wanted was not there But I dared Be wanted

08.  attraction (이끌림) -  tearliner (티어라이너) ft. kim go eun (김고은) [furihata]

translation: sleeplessaliana

I look at my side that suddenly feels strange I’m next to you and you’re caring for me Just like our hearts that we’re becoming more used to I can’t seem to draw it out

Because you held onto me, who shakes with the littlest words You treated me warmly when I was clumsy with everything You held me when I was being foolish because it was my first time

I drawing a blank again Dust is settling Dust is building up again

No one is in my heart Dust is settling

Days when I only looked forward and ran You held onto me, who resembled you

My heart was able to rest because I was next to you I smiled when you smiled

On the way to you, there was excitement On the way back, there was emptiness Loneliness

I want to see you longer Slowly, slowly I wanna hug even your long shadow I wanna embrace you I wanna hug you

09. in my little mind - hodge

[furihata]

Hello, how have you been luv? I hope everything is well with you (Hmm) Don’t mind the little things I feel They sound just a little lame to me (Hmm) Maybe we could be a little bit More honest oh, With me with you, with us Maybe we could go our ways And let it go.

I know that you have given your all Just stayin’ beside me And this is all I’m thinking My thoughts are broken Inside my little mind

10. i wish i was the moon - neko case

[akashi]

Chimney falls and lovers blaze Thought that I was young Now I’ve freezing hands And bloodless veins As numb as I’ve become. I’m so tired. I wish I was the moon tonight.

Last night I dreamt I’d forgotten my name ‘Cause I sold my soul But I woke just the same. I’m so lonely. I wish I was the moon tonight.

God blessed me, I’m a free man, With no place free to go. Paralyzed and collared-tight, No pills for what I fear. This is crazy, I wish I was the moon tonight.

[…]

How will you know if you’ve found me at last? 'Cause I’ll be the one be the one be the one With my heart in my lap I’m so tired I’m so tired And I wish I was the moon tonight.

11. when it rains - paramore [furihata]

And when it rains Will you always find an escape? Just running away from all of the ones who love you From everything

You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole) You’ll sleep till May and you’ll say that you don’t wanna see the sun anymore.

And Oh oh how could you do it? Oh I - I never saw it coming Oh oh I need an ending So why can’t you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time Take my time Take these chances to turn it around And take these chances and make it somehow Take these chances to turn it around Just turn it around.. […] You can take your time Take my time.

12. birdcage religion- sleeping at last

[akashi]

So slowly I’m losing Who I’ve sworn to be. A promise in pencil That years have made so hard to read. I’ve spent my life building walls Brick by brick and bruise by bruise… A birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep.

But time is spinning silk That coils ruthlessly; With the devil’s patience, It binds my hands so quietly That soon it becomes a part of me.

So soften these edges and straighten out my tie

And help me remember

The hope that I have compromised.

Please be a broken record for me.

13. oozora de dakishimete - utada hikaru

[furihata]

translation: lyrical nonsense

On a clear Sunday, the station’s ticket gates Are beginning to fill with color from the cheeks of those waiting for another

Today, I feel like going someplace far away Somewhere I can see the sky

If we could go flying among the clouds Then just hold me, in the vast sky I wonder if you’re still mad with me… But we just can’t help but be stubborn

[…]

So innocent and pure, you’ll misunderstand me So shut my blabbering mouth We’ve both been hurt So just embrace me and don’t complain about it

If it happens that we can meet again someday Then come trouble me once more If perhaps we can only meet again in our dreams Then just hold me until morning

I get it, I get that I’m being greedy But just kiss me, without saying it’s our last If perhaps we can only meet again in our dreams Then, oh stars soaring through the heavens, don’t go out

14. au tabi suki ni natte (i fall in love every time we meet) - BRIGHT

[akashi]

translation: carlenne

Every time we meet, I fall in love and my heart aches yet I can’t help wanting to be with you always even though I ought to have been fine on my own I don’t want to say goodbye

The more I know you, the less I can stop it but I don’t want you to hate me If you called out to me in a gentle voice I’d surely be able to tell you how I feel

If the thread of fate that I’d been about to give up on is the miracle that drew me towards you Even though I just want you to hold me tighter

Every time we meet I fall in love and my heart aches

The restless nights continue on and on I just want you to gaze at me but afraid, so I bite down on my lip

The more I know you, the less I can stop it I wonder what kind of mail to send you I’ll get closer to you in just a moment, so don’t turn away because I’ll softly hold out my hand to you