#i need more chairs in my life…and on this acct | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kaedthoughts · 2 years ago

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About this user!

MY FREE and PAID patreon for all my good writing and lots of shibari/nudes and MORE: patreon.com/KaedenWritesitAll

First of all, THIS IS A NSFT BLOG: DNI-

Minors, anti trans and everything that goes with that! This is a very gay blog and I'm here to have a good time. DNI IF YOU DO NOT KNOW ABOUT CONSENT OR IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF TRULY GIVING IT.

If followed by @kaedenwrites it me! Can only follow there

discord bc i want homies: hunshwaygo0921

my bunny: @funkyswitchboy

About!

Started T as of July 12th, 2023

Hai! My name is Kaeden, you can call me Kaed, pup, mutt, rlly any pet names to be honest. 21, very gay, intersex transmasc, primary mlm and mlnb but women are hot too so, not at all against having fem identifying followers! domestically single, ldr poly, very very cautiously looking, please don't fuck with my life, and my limits are absolutely non negotiable.

I'm a solid switch, soft dom most times but have a lil sadistic streak and utter angel sub and most often fall into service power bottom

I have various permanent brain and bodily injuries that limit my movement variably. Some days I can build a horse fence, others, I'm mostly chair and bed bound. Open to chatting about disabilities! I am also autistic, and struggle with a speech impediment so audios will be uh, fun

Asks, anons, requests, and DMs open!

Please feel free to reach out and whatnot, I love the attention and need friends!

Kinks/favorites:

Petplay! Favorite is pup, but I'm also a catboy at heart. Overstimulation, breeding (pregnancy not included), teratophilia- namely werewolves and anything with tentacles, dumbification, bondage, forced orgasms, intoxication/420 HEAVY thx to chronic illness, hierophilia/blasphemy, medical in the right mood and context, free use, muzzles/collars, many more- I know I get it I am a degenerate, but you're here so what does that say about you, huh? Perv.. (jk, bullying too maybe lol)

LIMITS.

intentional genuine manipulation, temperature play if extreme, outside induced denial- it's genuinely not safe for my body, spitting.

Other blogs:

Kaeden's Korner/ kaedenwrites- my main smut and story blog that's empty atm, but probably the account u were followed by since all of the blogs i have are based under that acct.

TAGS since I have them now and need to go thru and edit:

#kaedthoughts - general reblogs and posts

#kaedthoughts.leaf - posts I make while high

#kaedthoughts.pup - posts i make while generally in subspace

#kaedthoughts.foxy - switch oriented top leaning posts

#kaedthoughts.wolfy - for when i'm in a heavy top mood

#kaedthoughts.audio - nsft audios, I do voice acting so requests are okay!

#kaedthoughts.txt - very long posts, imagines

#kaedthoughts.ask - asks!

#kaedthoughts.fluff - posts that are pure sap

#kaedthoughts.png - my spicy pics!

[last updated September 2nd, 2023]

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sinditia · 2 years ago

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For the drabble thing 37 for Starker if you can make it fit?

thank you for the prompt!

37 - "Will you say something or just keep staring at me?"

StarkerFestivals Summer Bingo 2022 - Chair Sex

Summary: A training mishap at the Avengers compound between Iron Man and Spider-man has the spidey-suit ripped at a very... unfortunate and intimate part. Tony can't help but make use of the sudden accessibility he has to certain part of Peter's anatomy.

Based on the insanely talented @anonoite 's nsfw art found here (private acct)

Word count: 2.6k

“Can’t I just change?”

“Hang on, Peter, I’ll just take a second.”

Tony does not just take a second. It’s excruciating, prolonged minutes of Peter seated on a counter in Tony’s lab at the Avengers compound with the older man himself on a chair in front of him in between Peter’s spread knees, face uncomfortably close and attention laser-focused onto the younger man’s crotch area.

It’s so embarrassing. It didn’t even happen in an actual combat situation. He was in the middle of sparring with Iron Man out on the compound’s training field, having a grand old time, totally not being distracted by how insanely hot Iron Man looks flying around in the suit. Then one of his webs got seared off by a repulsor blast and Peter hits the ground hard, skidding on the gravel, taking off a good chunk of his brand-new spidey-suit in a very unfortunate part.

A massive tear, starting from just under his balls all the way up to where his ass crack begins on his lower back. Most of the hole is concealed from view with Peter sitting on the counter. But the hole reaches forward just enough that there is a bared sliver of skin high up on his inner thigh, the visibility – and current proximity – of which to a certain inventor-engineer Peter is very hyperaware.

Tony pokes and prods at the edges of the ripped fabric, examining the nature of the tear with scientific inquisition. “I get the concept of having multiple suits. My basement will tell you that. But I already made you the nanotech one. Upgrades are supposed to go up, kid. It’s in the name. What was the point of making this suit?”

Peter huffs. “It was an emergency situation. I was in Europe. I didn’t have the nanosuit handy and all I had to make a new suit was an airplane lab. Your airplane lab, based on materials you designed. So if anything, it’s kind of your fault that I’m-”

Tony looks up at him, eyebrow raised.

Peter’s gut warms at the older man’s expression. It takes all his willpower to stop his cock from twitching right under Tony’s chin. “Nope, yeah. My fault. It’s all my fault,” Peter says weakly, turning his gaze up to the ceiling to avoid combusting alive under that eye-contact. Fuck, why did he make his suit so skin-tight that any kind of… swelling would be immediately noticeable? And why did he decide to wear this suit instead of the nanosuit today? Fuck his life.

Tony sighs, putting his hands on Peter’s knees. The man must have inched even closer to Peter’s spread open legs because he can feel the rush of warm breath on the skin bared from the suit’s rip. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” he says, “I’m just concerned. Good thing this happened during training and we can fix it. If this had happened in a real battle…”

Peter shrugs. “I’d probably be fine. Super-healing, remember? I don’t need a suit to protect me.”

Tony chuckles. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that not-so-subtle jab at me.” Peter was about to quickly insist that’s not what he meant, but Tony continues, “but I was more talking about how I don’t want any supervillains seeing you like this, ass out all on display. Them or any of the other Avengers who’d happen to be there. Or anyone, really. I’d gouge all their eyes out.”

Peter’s heart thuds and he chances a glance down at Tony. The older man still seems to be closely inspecting the rips in his suit. And he said that last bit so casually, like the idea of someone else’s eyes on Peter’s… intimate parts was a violently punishable crime. Peter doesn’t know why it makes it feel so hot under the neckline of his suit, but he likes how possessive Tony sounds.

Because there’s eyes on him right now. Dark eyes that seem to be focused on the tear in the suit, but could just as easily be fixated on the bare skin the tear is revealing.

“You’re seeing me like this,” Peter points out quietly.

Those dark-brown eyes flick up to meet his. “Only ‘cause you’re letting me.” Tony’s hands on Peter’s knees increase in pressure. “You could easily overpower me. Why don’t you?”

“I-” Peter feels himself yield readily, legs opening further under Tony’s touch. The man is right. Peter has held up the weight of a collapsed warehouse on his shoulders but he can’t resist the gentle pressure of Tony’s hands. Peter has jumped, swung, free-fallen at unimaginable heights but he’s never been as breathless as he is now, with Tony so close, looking up at him, unmistakeable desire in his eyes.

“Will you say something or just keep staring at me?” Tony smiles, thumbs rubbing circles on Peter’s knees. “What are you thinking?”

“I want you to see me like this. I want-” his breath hitches and Tony finally moves his fingers to touch his skin directly, “-want only you to see me like this.”

Tony’s smile widens. “Good boy.”

Peter gasps when he feels Tony’s mouth on him through the thin fabric of the spidey-suit, kissing softly, gently. That mouth Peter’s been obsessed with for so long, so full of snark and genius, now stokes his obsession even more as it makes its way up his legs, as clever and unstoppable as the man’s incredible brain, until-

“Unh, Mr. Stark…” Peter gasps, squirming on the counter as soft lips and prickly facial hair finally touch directly onto the bare skin revealed by the suit’s tear.

Tony tilts his face to look up at him, head turned just so that its resting on Peter’s thighs. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No! I… I just-” Peter’s heart stutters at the sight of Tony’s eyes from this angle, wide and framed with thick lashes. How can a man look so sexy and so endearing at the same time? Peter is fully, achingly hard now, unmistakeable at this proximity. “I want it. I want you. You can do whatever you want to me.”

If possible, Tony’s eyes darken even further. “I’ll hold you to that,” he murmurs before descending right between Peter’s legs, mouthing, kissing, licking at where his balls meet his perineum.

Peter shudders with a gasp, the sudden onslaught of pleasure on his sensitive skin taking hold of his body. His cock twitches helplessly where it’s still flimsily covered by the ripped edge of his suit. As Tony slips his fingers under the torn fabric, tugging it upwards, his mouth follows the course. And when a warm tongue swirls a wet path up Peter’s shaft, the younger man comes with a surprised cry.

Tony pulls away as Peter sits there panting. They both glance at the wet spot growing on the spidey-suit.

“Whoops,” Peter chuckles weakly, embarrassed.

Tony grins. “And just when I thought you couldn’t ruin this suit any further.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” Peter grumbles. He hops off the counter and climbs onto Tony’s lap, straddling him. Their lips meet in a hungry kiss. Peter can feel the older man’s hard-on beneath him and he instinctively rolls his hips, grinding against it, taking satisfaction in the way Tony groans at the stimulation.

Tony kneads Peter’s ass, his kiss growing hungrier. His hands grip the frayed edges of the suit’s tear over Peter’s backside and pulls, widening the rips with the sound of rending fabric.

“Oh fuck,” Peter moans, exceedingly aroused at the strength of Tony’s desire for him. It’s the most powerful he’s ever felt, knowing that he’s making someone like Tony Stark feel this way.

“Can’t wait anymore, baby,” Tony growls. “Come on, get that ass on me.”

Peter sits up on his knees, both hands on the older man’s broad shoulders. Face flushed warm, he watches Tony lift his hips just enough to yank the bottom half of his under-armour suit down his legs. The movement makes Tony’s triceps flex attractively under the skin-tight fabric of his shirt and Peter, with no small amount of arousal, admires just how powerfully built Tony is. Peter wants to see all of him. All that skin over that all that chest, the scars where the arc reactor used to sit, the trail of hair that leads down to-

Peter lets out an involuntary whimper at the sight of Tony’s cock, hard and ready for him. He reaches for it on instinct, giving it a few gentle strokes.

“Oh fuck, kid, you’re killing me here,” Tony groans. “Need to feel you.” He starts looking around, a little frantic.

“What is it?” Peter asks, placing nipping kisses on Tony’s jaw as he continues to jack him off slowly.

“Need lube. I have some in my bag but it’s-”

Peter spots Tony’s duffle bag at the far corner of the lab and activates the web-shooter on his free hand, pulling the bag towards them by the web’s strand until it skids to a stop at their feet.

“God, you’re amazing,” Tony laughs, kissing Peter once more.

They grind together as they make out, with Peter’s hand still moving on Tony’s cock. There’s a bit of rummaging, then thick, slicked up fingers find Peter’s ass, sliding in with delicious ease.

“Oh God, Mr. Stark,” Peter breathes heavily, feeling himself clench and unclench at the intrusion.

Tony hums, fingering him. “You have no idea what you calling me that does to me. Lots of people call me ‘Mr. Stark’, but when you do it…,” Tony crooks his fingers against a spot that makes Peter moan, “it drives me fucking crazy. Makes me think things I’m not supposed to. We’d be in an Avengers meeting and you’d call me that in front of everyone and all I’m thinking is how gorgeous you’d sound calling me that in bed.” Another finger finds its way into Peter’s hole, stretching him out even further.

“Mmm, Mr. Stark…”

“Yeah, like that. Exactly like that.”

Peter grips the back of Tony’s neck, staring straight into the man’s eyes. “Mr. Stark,” he says breathily, loving the way Tony’s pupils visibly dilate at that. “I want you to fuck me.”

An animalistic growl reverberates from deep in Tony’s chest and he slips his fingers out of Peter’s hole, batting the younger man’s hand off his cock so he can direct it right up against Peter’s sloppy wet rim.

Peter gasps his way through that first push, feeling stretched so open then full, so full. His eyes almost roll back with it, the way Tony turns him out so good.

“You alright?” Tony asks, sounding almost as breathless as Peter feels.

“Yeah,” Peter pants, closing his eyes, forehead pressed to Tony’s. He rolls his hips experimentally, seating himself more comfortably on that stretch.

“You take me so well,” Tony murmurs, hands caressing down the younger man’s back to massage the globes of his ass. “Always knew you would.

Overcome with desire, Peter starts bouncing desperately on Tony’s cock, moaning, wanting it closer, deeper, but the older man grips his waist and stills the movements.

“Slow down, baby, let me enjoy this snug little ass.”

Peter lets out a breathless whine. “Please, Mr. Stark, I can’t- let me-”

Tony makes soft shushing noises, spreading Peter’s ass cheeks, grinding himself deeper between them. “Take pity on an old man, baby. Ride me nice and slow.”

“You’re not old,” Peter scowls, but he tries to do as the man says, lifting himself up slowly, feeling that infuriating slick drag Tony’s girth leaves on his sensitive insides before sliding back down.

Riding Tony’s cock is definitely Peter’s number one favourite activity now. He quickly sinks into a nice rhythm, mind growing blissfully fuzzy as his body instinctively takes over like it knows what to do, like it’s always known how to take pleasure from riding Tony Stark’s cock.

Tony grips Peter’s hips and adjusts his angle slightly, so that his cock grinds right up against his prostate with every thrust.

“Feel that? That’s good, right?”

“Yeah,” Peter moans, rolling his hips just there, right there. One hand on Tony’s chest and the other gripping the back of his neck, Peter nuzzles into the older man’s cheek, wanting closeness, wanting to kiss though he’s too breathless to do so.

Tony makes low, grunting, pleased noises. “That’s it. You’re doing great, kid. Just like that.”

Peter can hear the smirk in Tony’s voice and he moves his hips faster, harder, as hungry for his mentor’s approval as he is for the white-hot pleasure he gets from his mentor’s cock buried deep inside him.

Both Tony’s hands are on Peter’s ass, guiding his movements, digging himself deeper each time he pulls Peter down on him. Peter can’t help the small moans and high-pitched whimpers leaving his body, but each sound seems to spur Tony on even more.

“Love the little noises you make with my cock inside you, baby. Like a needy little slut.” Tony grunts at the clench Peter gives him from being called that. “Hmm, You like being a slut, baby? You gotta know the way you look running around in this suit. This thing perks your ass up like you wouldn’t believe. Bet everyone who looks at you has the same dirty thoughts as I do. Bet they all want a piece of this sweet ass,” Tony squeezes his cheeks, slamming inside hard, “get all the way up in you the way I am right now.”

Peter shakes his head with a desperate whine, so horny at the thought that anyone else would find him desirable, but- “I only want you,” he pleads. “Want only you, Mr. Stark. Only ever wanted you. Ever since I-“ he whimpers at a particularly hard thrust. “I had pictures of you. Had my first orgasm thinking of you.”

“Fuck, kid,” Tony throws his head back with a loud groan. “Ruined you long before I even met you, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Peter pants, pulling Tony back so they can kiss as he rides him faster. “God, Mr. Stark, it’s so good. Want this all the time.”

“Maybe I should update the nanosuit’s program, huh?” Tony murmurs between kisses. “Make it retract a nice, accessible hole so I can take you whenever I want.”

“Yeah,” Peter moans, lost in lust, dizzy at the thought of being Tony Stark’s little fucktoy. “Yeah…” He cries out when Tony slips a hand between them to stroke Peter’s aching cock.

“God, you’re such a good boy for me,” Tony growls in his ear and Peter is gone.

“Ohh, Mr. Stark-,” No orgasm Peter’s had before ever felt as good as the one he’s having wrapped around Tony’s cock, the pressure in him intensifying every twitch and clench of his pleasure-wracked hole.

“Oh, fuck-” Tony grunts at the tightness around him, climax finding him quickly. The man looks so handsome when he comes, eyes dark and jaws clenched in pleasure. He grinds Peter on him roughly, spilling inside, shoving his load as deep as it can go.

The tension leaves Tony’s body with a rush of breath and the man slumps with his back against the chair, eyes closed, breathing heavily as he comes down.

“Shit, that was incredible,” Peter sighs, resting his head on Tony’s shoulder. “When can we do that again?” he giggles, the endorphins rushing through his veins makes him feel high and giddy. He pokes Tony’s stomach to get his attention.

Through lidded eyes, Tony watches, transfixed, as Peter uses a finger to scoop up some of the cum seeping out past the older man’s softening cock still buried inside him, then sticks it in his mouth.

“Well?” Peter grins, “Will you say something or just keep staring at me?”

@starkerfestivals

#starker #marsha writes #nff #starkerfestivalsevents #SFSummerBingo22 #chair sex #mouth kisses to the mods for extending the bingo so i can squeeze this out #also to the amazing anon for their amazing inspiring art

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junko-and-riri-domain · 3 years ago

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jayla’s cafe | sjy

↬ series: cameras & caffeine | chapter one ↬ overall pairing: cafe owner!jake x ceo!reader (all members will be featured at some point throughout the series, some are in it more than others !!) ↬ overall series genres: fluff, slight angst, jake also bakes, reader is a single mom, we fell in love when we were kids but life happened so we broke up and now we’re reconnecting because we’re adults and i don’t think i ever truly got over you au, love triangle if you squint really really hard ↬ navi: next | series masterlist ↬ warnings: none ↬ word count: 1.3k

[ series synopsis ]

↱ You were young when you fell in love with Sim Jake. How could you not when he had a smile that could light up the darkest of nights, eyes that seemed to look deep into your soul, and a bubble of happiness around him that you wanted to be a part of? He was young when he fell in love with you. How could he not when you had a warmth that could never be replicated, a spark in your eyes that he loved to see, and your own special way of calming him down? But life had other plans for you two. After high school, he wanted to move back to Australia and start a new life with you but you wanted to stay in the country and continue the life already established for you. Things changed, your views no longer aligned, and before either of you two had broken up.

Now, a few years have passed and due to medical issues, your father has decided to temporarily step down from his position as Hybe Entertainment’s CEO, leaving the position to you. Despite all the eyes watching and waiting for you to fall since you’re so young and a single mother, you’re determined to prove them all wrong. You’ve been doing fine so far, working in such a high position and stressful environment while simultaneously being able to take the time and effort to take care of your son, Heeseung. But when you get news of your ex, Jake coming back to the country and opening up a cafe you decide to pay a visit. One visit turns to two which turns to three and before you know it, Jayla’s Cafe suddenly becomes a part of your regular routine. Jake meets Heeseung, the two instantly taking a liking to each other but unbeknownst to any of you, cameras lurk in the bushes and flash when you’re unaware. What happens when photos are revealed to the public and connections are made? Connections… that might not just be baseless rumors after all. ↲

You let out a sigh as your eyes stay settled on your laptop screen in front of you, too focused on work to be able to glance at the time and too busy to hear your office door opening. It’s only when you feel a presence next to you, a slight tug at your hand, and the sound of your son’s voice that you’re finally brought back to reality and out of the trance that work had put you in. You smile as you smoothen out Heeseung’s hair, move the chair back a little to allow him to settle on your lap. You look up at Sunghoon and smile,

“Thanks for taking care of Hee today,” you say gratefully. Of all the billions of people in the world, you couldn’t be more thankful to have Sunghoon as your best friend. He was there for you when you were pregnant, a constant source of comfort when you needed it, and now was one of the closest things that Heeseung had as a father.

“Mhm,” is all Sunghoon replies as he takes your coat for you. While the three of you head into the elevator

“Hoonie?” you say. Sunghoon stays quiet at the nickname, simply looking at you and you continue, “I’m thankful for all that you’ve done for me but you really don’t have to any of this. After all, you’re the co-CEO of Park Enterprises with Jay and you have your own life. Maybe you should go on a few dates here and there instead of always being with me and Hee, I can set you up,” you offered. Sunghoon was hurt at your implication that there were better places to be than with you but didn’t show it. Instead,

“I don’t have time to go on dates, you know this.”

“But you have time to take care of a kid for half a day?” you countered. In all the years that you’ve known Sunghoon and have been best friends, you never could really get a read on him. You wondered what he was thinking about and the thoughts running through his mind but when the elevator finally reaches the parking lot below your building,

“It’s different because you and Heeseung are actually worth spending my time on,” he replied as you got into your car. The car ride to your house was spent in silence, a normal occurrence with Sunghoon but it felt normal and was a type of silence that didn’t need to be filled. Spending time with Sunghoon was something that you did so often that it was almost a part of your routine. Like tonight, there were times when Sunghoon would pick up Heeseung and bring him to your office and the three of you would then have dinner together. Other times, you picked up Heeseung and headed to Sunghoon’s office for dinner. Occasionally, Sunghoon’s half-brother and co-CEO of Park Enterprises, Jay would eat out with you guys too. Growing up, you were all a group of five who were stuck together like glue, Jay, Sunghoon, Yeji, you, and Jake. The Park Brothers ran the family business together while Yeji chose to travel the world, much like Jake did. You hear your name being called, causing you to look at Sunghoon next to you,

“Huh?”

“You ok? You looked so deep in thought.” You glanced behind you, looking at Heeseung now asleep in the backseat,

“Just thinking about some things is all.”

When you got to your house and started eating dinner, you couldn’t help yourself from glancing at Sunghoon every so often. You couldn’t deny that it felt nice to have a constant source of stability and comfort through him, but it wasn’t fair to him since he was spending so much time and taking so much effort to help you out given that you were a single mother and he had grown to become your best friend. The two of you were on your living room couch since he was spending the night and were watching a movie while Heeseung was asleep in his room. Suddenly, Sunghoon brought up a topic that you weren’t quite expecting him to but you weren’t surprised about it earlier.

“Jake’s back from Australia.” You set your cup of hot chocolate on the table and wrap the blanket tighter around you and lean your head on Sunghoon’s shoulder,

“I know.” It comes out mumbled as you keep your eyes on the screen, not quite wanting to talk about it but you knowing that you were going to have to face it eventually, nervousness now filled you.

“He opened up a cafe downtown, Jayla’s Cafe.”

“I know.”

“I’m going with Jay tomorrow.”

“Jake invited me too but I said I couldn’t go because of work.” It was a lie since tomorrow was your day off but Jake didn’t need to know that. Honestly, you weren’t ready to face Jake and you didn’t think you’d ever be. When you and Jake were younger, you fell in love but after high school, life happened and Jake chose to go to Australia while you decided to stay since you were learning how to take over Hybe Industries.

“You gotta tell him.”

“It’s not like I keep it a secret, like, people know I have a kid.” It was a dumb response and you knew it. Sunghoon called you out on it by saying,

“You don’t keep it a secret but you don’t actively acknowledge it either.” Sighing,

“Can we not talk about this today?” Or ever, you wanted to say.

“I know it’s not my place to tell you what to do. But he’s back now.”

The opening day of Jayla’s Cafe went way better than Jake expected if he was being honest with himself. Whether it was due to good marketing, pure luck, or Layla’s presence in the cafe that drew in so many customers, he wasn’t going to complain about it. He was more nervous now than he was in the morning because Jay and Sunghoon would be dropping by in a few minutes. It had been years since he had seen his old friends or been a part of “high society” as most would call it due to the status and wealth you all grew up with. He missed you the most and kind of hoped that you would’ve dropped by today. But things were different now, he knew. You two weren’t the little kids who fell in love and acted on that love in your teens. You were no longer the girl who’d yell at Jake for teasing you over something dumb, you were now the CEO of Hybe Entertainment and someone that young kids could look up to and aspire to be like. He was no longer the guy who’d hold your hand or give you a hug when you cried because you didn’t need that-- him anymore.

“I was the one who decided to head back to Australia,” Jake muttered to himself in an effort to somewhat justify the years that he hadn’t seen you or anyone else except for the few times Jay would come to Australia. The bell chiming signals to Jake that someone had walked in, confirmed at the sight of Jay and Sunghoon entering inside the cafe. While you had already told him that you wouldn’t be coming, his heart still sank a little at the lack of your presence here. Greeting the guys and setting out some pastries and drinks, the three talked and caught up on things. Somewhere down the line,

“Jake, can you connect my phone to the Wi-Fi real quick?” Sunghoon asked, handing Jake his phone,

“Yeah, sure man.” Taking Sunghoon’s phone, the phone screen was still open, a mistake Sunghoon was unaware he had made. Looking at the phone screen, Jake saw a photo of you and Sunghoon which wasn’t something that was surprising to him. What did surprise him was the sight of a little boy in between you and Sunghoon, Sunghoon’s smile the brightest he’s ever seen it before. As Jake hands Sunghoon his phone back after connecting it to the Wi-Fi, he couldn’t help but wonder what the hell had happened in the years he’d been gone. But throughout the night and as the conversation went on… he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

↬ a/n:

now that tatts & cupcakes is over, meet cameras & caffeine !!

❦ written by riri ( @enhykkul ) | main blog masterlist | blog navi

taglist status: open -- send an ask or comment !! ( if you comment, i respond under my main acct )

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zibizuba · 6 years ago

Link

Today we present: Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates. You can chose your best one and also update your facebook status to funny.

List with Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates!!

I know the world isn’t going to end in 2015 cuz my yogurt expires in 2016!

I like to name my iPod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.

Hello, everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like

Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “

Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.

decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

Most Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

sometimes, not remembering may be the better.

X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

X is color blind and trying to solve a Rubiks cube… This could take a while.

X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.

What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..

slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.

X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe I’m moving in circles.

More funny articles on Homepage

I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?

X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!

Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

what has two ears and can’t hear? —————–.> GRANDPA

I’m not a racer….But I can fly.

press the star below and watch it glow

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I think my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.

Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course, I like my own comments. I’m awesome.

Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.

X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

pense lol funny facebook status

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t realize you were giving me a dirty look…I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!

wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.

X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.

I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.

too cool for school.

trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

–^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.

definitely not watching what not to wear.

forcing my dog to learn how to google.

kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.

Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

X is Loading ████████████ 99%

Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to Life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish can’t Drown.

X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.

I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.

In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”

X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

a day late and a dollar short.

Insert coin to view my status message.

If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.

We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.

happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.

seen pictures of you naked on the internet.

remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

> $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.

20/20 hearing!

Short funny joke

Boy: So, sex at my place? Girl: Yah! Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder. Girl: OK? ~Later~ …Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE! Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!

why do we need school??? music~we have YouTube for that. Spanish ~I watch Dora. English ~everything is shortened anyway (brb,idk,lol). geography~i will buy a globe. history~they are all dead anyway. math~that is why we have the calculator. spelling~we have spell check on the computer.

People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?

NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

“how do you spell gay?” “g.a.y?” “noooo! j.u.s.t.i.n b.i.e.b.e.r!” (;

what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;

Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD

Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.

Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich !

Me and my mom were shopping for new Cd’s and she asked me.. Mom: honey, Who’s your favorite artist? Me: Eminem Mom: The candy? Me: no the rapper Mom: What’s so special good about Candy Wrappers?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?

status: I can’t log into facebook

A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser

*BLOND GOES TO THE DOCTOR TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS PREGNANT* Doctor: your pregnant Blond: *smiles* Doctor: your having twins Blond: *crys* Doctor: is’ant that good? Blond: i dont know who the father is for the other baby Doctor: LUCKY IM A BRUNETTE !!!!!!!

Did you know in Japan girls keep their phones on vibrate and put them down their crotch? Don’t feel bad if they don’t answer. It means they’re busy All i want to know is, where can i get a number?

Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!

My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”

Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.

i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling

Guy: Did It Hurt? Chick: Did What Hurt? Guy: When you fell from… Chick: Heaven Awww :’) Guy: No, when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down!! Chick: ………. Guy: Hahaha BITCH!!

Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.

honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.

Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….

I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.

I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me.

I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”

A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me, he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.

I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…

Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.

A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!

Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!

One day a chicken crossed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!

Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!

I’d rather Cry over cuts & stitches. not sluts & bitches !

Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself.

Check also Tree Puns Funny Memes, Birch Please

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bpdmisadventuresandme-blog · 6 years ago

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Prison Pt 2

continued from previous blog.....<3

Soooo now you've all got over the whole prison ‘thing’ lets discuss what 5 weeks inside a prison did for me.

I Slept that first night . I have no doubt that was pure exhaustion. I heard an alarm going off at around 5am and was aware something was ‘kicking off’ further down the corridor. That morning having not really been told what to do the night before and only having tv shows for guidance , up to this point, I was aware that I should prob be up and dressed by time breakfast was called .....whatever time that may be ?! I literally had no idea. Needless to say I didn't need to worry at 7am a prison guard walked around the wing , unlocking the doors and saying good morning to each prisoner. it was all rather dignified and polite to be fair. I asked him what I had to do and he said don't worry we would get called for breakfast and then we would be on lock down till 11am. I learnt from another prisoner that lockdown was locked in our cells.

It was a good wing to start off on to be honest as that morning a couple of other first timers arrived and some regulars too. It was scary but also a type of community began to form. We all talked and formed bonds that, well, for me defiantly, took. me through my time in jail. All ages, all offences and each wing had one long timer on who helped us all learn the basics, the what to do’s and what not to do’s. There was an element of “who not to talk too going on “ which I took with a pinch of salt.... I wasn't niece enough to know politics/grudges were not rife in prison.

That first day I cried in my cell. I made lifelong friends, I ate the worst food imaginable and I laughed. Yep I actually laughed .... a group of 6 of us were sat around the eating area and something was said and we all laughed then looked at each other as though no-one was quite sure if that was allowed or right (new timers ) ....even the officer on duty shouted across the room. “This is prison you shouldn't be laughing” it was only when he started laughing that we realised he was laughing with us.

In the 5 weeks I remained in jail for breaking my bail, so until I had my next court hearing, I moved wings 3 times. Due to being on a mental health ACCT I was in single cells each time. I personally preferred that as I needed to hide at times from the noise and “life in jail” atmosphere. Others much preferred to have cellmates and each to their own.

When people ask me how was jail I normally answer with “Well it was ok , it wasn't shocking bad”. and this is generally correct. I wasn't attacked or bullied, I wasn't treated like shit by staff. We ate well if we choose too eat full on stooge everyday lol. The other parts that I don't talk so much about..... well that I think until this point ive shared with a handful of people , is the overwhelming loneliness, the lack of suitable medication available (due to concerns regarding trading meds, so some meds were completely banned) just so happened these were two of my main meds so I suffered.My daughters birthday happened whilst I was in jail and this was incredibly hard to deal with as her father refused to let them visit, me being in jail was the ultimate control he could have ever wanted. The first 10 days I had to wait for my calling numbers to be approved and this meant I couldn't call people although my mental health team did arrange that I got my best friends number approved and £2 credit put on my Canteen - (the jail credit system) as my money hadn't arrived from the outside. Ninety nine percent of staff were friendly, approachable and non judgemental but like anywhere the other one percent let staffing down. I was on lockdown for 72 hrs twice. first time was because I had a sickness bug so rightly so your put on cell lockdown so its not passed around prison.2nd time I was wrongly put on lockdown and despite telling the guard who did it I shouldn't be as I hadn't been unwell in 2 weeks it was only till my mental health team paid me a unannounced visit that staff realised they had put the wrong person on lockdown. This may not seem like much but when your in jail and the highlight of any day is the unlocked door ....30 plus hrs on wrongly assigned lockdown turned me slightly unstable and it was during this point they also moved me from the “welcome wing” and into a new wing. This wing I can only describe as a submarine in disrepair. I was in a tiny single cell with no shower or closed off toilet. Inmates who were assigned this cell had to use a communal shower which was inhabitable, and yes I went days without a shower. My toilet was behind a small two foot wall and I was clearly in line sight of anyone walking past the door, closed or not, as my eye hole (as I called in) wouldn't close. THIS was most defiantly an old, un updated part of the prison. It was exactly how a innocent me believed prison would be like! My mental health went dramatically downhill and it was in this cell that I first tried to take my life. I made and used a ligature and despite being on 8 min watch, I managed to ligature myself against the desk chair. A member of staff was called by another prisoner who had walked past and seen me through the eye hole. I heard alarms and felt the ligature being cut off . That evening I was on 3 min watch and as such they might as well have just not moved all night. My mental health care coordinator visited and declared me at risk of myself. No change then. I discussed how depressed I had been feeling since the change of cell and that things like my lack of a shower or a working phone meant I could self soothe by calling my best friend or children. This was seemingly took into consideration and the next day I was moved to my final cell. This was more like the welcome wing although twice the size (the wing not my cell).

Sadly the last couple of weeks got harder for me in many ways, I seemed to have rubbed up a repeat visitor who took offence to my ‘posh voice’ and this became a very touchy issue. I can only describe it in the manner that she took an instant dislike to me and let me know about it. I was lucky that I had made ‘close’ friends from the start and a few of those followed me onto my final wing and during unlocked points I stayed close to them and didn't feel scared, more trepidatious as to why me. Lock up she went through a few days of screaming about killing the posh bitch which not gunner lie made me kinda glad the guards locked the bloody doors!! During this time I also couldn't contact my children as unbeknown to me their dad had told the prison system to ban my children phone numbers from my calling list. This broke me. I can't come close to being able to explain how this made me feel. What was the point ? what did I have to live for now ? I had made sure my chilren had been aware that I was in jail because id done something wrong but they were also of an age where they knew why I had done what I had done. They had been brought up to believe people in jail were there because they were nasty or dangerous and I then had to explain how its not always that simple.... it was hard to maintain those values and morals that id brought my children up with too explaining why I was in the situation I was in.

That night I waited till I had been checked on and I ligatured myself and placed a carrier bag over my head which I tied tight with the 2nd ligature. I blacked out. I came round to a room full of prison officers and medics and vomited on a medics shoes. I was told by a guard they had called code blue, which means prisoner suspected not to be breathing.

I was put on constant watch from that point for the next 48 hrs. I could feel myself giving up on everything. I needed to call my best friend at least twice a day and he became my lifeline. I realised that out of everyone in my life he actually cared. He even arranged a visit. he was the only person who did. He was down as my next of kin and presumed he had been informed regarding the incident but it was only upon leaving jail that I realised he hadn't been informed at all. Jail life was just that ... jail life. it wasn't nice. it was scary, it was lonely and it was demoralising. I was in jail for breaking my bail NOT for my actual sentence so I had to worry about what I was going to get in court for my actual sentence. I had to prepare myself that it could have been up to 7 years for the offence I was charged. I had to hear from other offenders who had been sent down for similar and In jail everyone is a professional when it comes to ‘what you might get’ sentence wise !! I started to prepare myself that if I got up to 2 yrs , possibly 3 id cope somehow. If I got more id end my life in jail.

Cut to court. I received a community sentence of a tag and curfew and probation and victim surcharge for my crime. I remember driving to court on my sentencing date in the prison van doing all these weird obsessive things which meant good luck to me. so for example , if I looked at the sun rising once I had to do it 4 times then not again, if I caught sight of it again...the pattern repeated itself. If I itched my nose once I had to do it 4 times, when I arrived at court and was in the holding cell I had to have an even amount of cups of coffee and visits to the toilet otherwise it was bad luck. It was emotionally and physically draining. My solicitor came to see me in the holding cell and with my barrister told me I was facing a higher charge than before, of intent , instead of reckless behaviour. My barrister at this point told me I was looking at 7 years. As it turned out the judge wanted to know more about the offence that had preceded mine and the background reasons for my offence and postponed sentencing. my solicitor asked for bail not believing for one min I would get it but the judge awarded it with a curfew and tagging system. I was allowed to leave the court. This was absolutely not what anyone was expecting and I don't think it hit me until my friend was driving me back to his after court. The thing is you don't just leave jail and that's it.... your head stays in jail for a long time even once home. I thought id sleep like an angel but alas this was not the case. I still have occasional nightmares of doors slamming and being locked up even 6 months down the line from leaving jail.

Court date passed and as I stated I received probation.

Then the almost harder part started. Coming to terms with what id gone through. rebuilding bridges, admitting where I had been as I just disappeared and only wrote to a handful of people when inside, I refused to hide it, I shared it along with the mental health issues id always been open and honest about. This blog is only the 2nd time ive voiced everything that happened in jail. once to my best friend , now partner, and on this blog.

I will take this experience like I did the mental health struggles , and share and use in a productive manner. I will take this knowledge and I will share with others to help and support individuals who may need it.

Im not proud of my conviction.

But there were reasons that led up to my breakdown and subsequent offence.

The hardest part....undoubtably the earthquake that shattered a perfect relationship with my children which I'm still rebuilding and repairing and will be for a while.

Am I glad I didn't die in jail. Yes now. Ill use it to educate and support others.

#no judgement #mental heath support #mentalhealthmatters #jail #prison #womeninprison #bpd #bpdmisadventures #futurefocused #education #criminology career #teenagers #sex crimes #rape #friends #supportive #lifeafterjail

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subjectsilver · 7 years ago

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Title, if you want one

last night i sat with this dutch girl for like 2 hours talking about relationships and our pasts and shit and it was nice. kind of relaxing to get it all out there to someone. it was also interesting because shes from a different country so her experiences were just super out of the ordinary. i was trying to hook her up with my dude mike but tbh shes nice and im not trynna get her played ive been playing a lot of soccer lately starting every game and playing a decent amount of minutes... cant be too dissatisfied with that aspect of life school blows bc i have like nothing to do right now but i know itll all just come crashing at one time and ill hate it. i got to see my little siblings last weekend and it made my night, some havent changed a bit and some have changed a lot eden is standing and walking now so cute khais personality is even brighter breydyn is still clapping back at me and hannah is still chubby and cute and smiling im sitting in a chair waiting to get my hair cut about time to take all this blonde off i have a game tomorrow but i think im going to pregame homecoming tonight even tho im not going ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i have juul pods sitting in my wake mailbox right now thati have to give to some kid just remembered ive seen some interesting tweets lately ive heard some interesting things around campus ive had some interesting conversations ive laughed ive been angry ive been sad its life xxxtentacion look at me video is insane i want the song inthe middle cus its hard as fuck i havent heard a lot of good music lately tbh idk y but music is kind of unappealing ive been binge watching Hunter x Hunter its a reallly good anime im so hungry rn ive had nothing to eat today becauaae i popped adderall to study for a spanish test i really want some chipotle but i have team meal at 6 soooo do i eat now or later i need calories tho so ill probably force feed myself both ayeeee i bought a book called "to give a boy a gun" and i read it all in like 2 hours it was like 200 pages it was interesting i read it along time ago in like 5th grade and remembered it being good today is andre keels birthday happy b day bruv u earned it i canceled my wow acct today...wasnt playing it enough for the price imma stixk to league for a little bit getting chipotle now actually lets gooooo! i have more things to talk about but timing is very strategic these days

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zibizuba · 6 years ago

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100+ Best Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates