#i need an appointment only i can't do any tests the doctor can just look at me externally. sorry'' ???

[theophagie-remade]

I can't believe I can't find any information on how to do this thing that not many people need to do. smh

[paper-mario-wiki]

hey, can I ask you for some advice? sorry if this is uncalled for or you just can't answer this, I understand if so

how did you work up the courage to actually get to HRT so fast? I've found out I was a trans woman around when I was 15 and im about to have my 23rd birthday, and due to my financial/working/academic/housing (I live w my fairly conservative parents) situation it does not look like it's in the cards for me any time soon. but also I feel like I should just try to find a way and try to start out ASAP, for the sake of my own happiness. but also im afraid of whatll happen if things go Topsy turvy and I need housing from a family that thinks I'm a freak. how did you do it? again, apologies if this ask feels unwarranted or to big to ask to "Funny lady play tf2 dot blog", but I'm fine if this doesn't see an answer

First of all, I don't have insurance, so keep in mind that I did it out of pocket (note: I am broke).

I used Zocdoc (America only, sorry) to find a hormone therapy consultation, went to that appointment, and they referred me to an endocrinologist. After I got some blood tests done, I got prescribed a 30 day supply of sublingual Estradiol for about $16, again, without insurance. Now, this is of course in Biden's Seattle so it might not be as easy where you are. But at least for me, the process from booking the first appointment, all the way to taking the first pill was about half a month, because I got lucky finding a doctor. During covid, according to my endocrinologist, there was a HUGE explosion of people wanting to medically transition, so a very common thing I've heard is that a lot of doctors are booked out for months. I was lucky enough to get this appointment on Sep 1st, because the next person available in my area wouldnt have gotten me in until November.

Critically, here's my main piece of advice: You can't start until you take the first real action towards accomplishing it outside of your head. You can think, and plan, and crystalize how great it would be if it happened, but you have to actually make the first step and google "HRT doctors in my area", and schedule an appointment. To do it, you must first do it. This goes for many things in life. Simply starting the processes instead of keeping them in my head had me accomplishing many things I never thought I actually would, like starting HRT, going to university in Japan, and moving to Seattle.

Many people like me, including maybe you, are really good at getting in your own head and thinking of every possible way something could go wrong, or could be denied to you. And you get so tied up in the reasoning that you forget about the Doing. To the best of your ability, try to stop thinking, and just start doing. Anything. Choose to do something that you have wanted to for a while. Just one thing. Doesn't have to be buying a plane ticket to France, or confessing a huge secret, maybe start with that thought you had the other day of "ya know I bet pottery on those big goofy wheels is fun" and google 'pottery wheels near me' and see where it takes you. It's easier than you'd think to try. And who knows, at the end of this process maybe you'll have a beautiful vase. Or, even better, a vase with a personality, flaws, and a new hobby that you're excited to get better at.

[lynnbanks]

Ooh! Maybe a Luke x reader where it’s an unexpected pregnancy? She holds off telling him cause she’s afraid of his reaction, and accidentally tells Jack first.

She had no idea she was with child until her latest doctor's appointment where they made her take a test before she could be prescribed her new medication. One second she is worry-free and excited to get lunch with her boyfriend after her appointment and all of a sudden the thought of doing anything makes her sick.

“We know from your blood work you are pregnant but unfortunately you will have to go up to the 7th floor to make an appointment with an ob-gyn.” and y/n is still very much in shock and just shakes her head yes. Walking out of the doctor's hands shaking “What the fuck am I going to do.”

I can't tell Luke I'm pregnant, what if he leaves, what if this tears us apart, what if we are bad parents, what if I am ruining his career? All these what-ifs with nobody to pull her out of it.

She makes it to the spot where they agreed to meet for lunch “Hi baby how are you feeling?” Luke asked, taking in her pale face and shaking frame “Did everything go okay? You don't look too good.”

Pulling herself from her thoughts “Yeah um I-they had to take some blood so I'm a little shaky that's all.”

“Well, we should probably eat then!” He says it with a big smile, happy to see his girlfriend after just a few hours apart. and she couldn't be the one to wipe the smile off of his face so she decided to not bring up what the doctor had just told her.

3 weeks later y/n is now 11 weeks pregnant and has just about all of the early stage symptoms. Her first appointment with her ob-gyn is next week and she is terrified. Luke is starting to notice some changes in her too. She is more distant, and emotional this morning. He caught her throwing up after breakfast and when she was done she acted as if she had been caught doing something bad.

“Let's get you to bed sweet girl, you need some rest.” y/n can't tell if it is the fear, the guilt or the baby growing inside of her but she feels like she is about to throw up the very little food she has been able to keep down. “ you must have caught what jack had last week,” Luke says covering her up

And it is that exact reason Jack was home early from practice 3 days later to find his brother's girlfriend passed out on the floor in the middle of the apartment. And is sitting with her in the emergency room till Luke can switch with him. All is fine until the doctor walks into her room “Hi my name is doctor brown this is Emma she will be taking notes for me while we talk”

pulling out her stethoscope to do a plus measurement test “So what are we in here for today?” before y/n can say anything Jack says it for her “She was passed out on the floor of our apartment.” the doctor nodes her head “In your charts, it says you are in the early stages of pregnancy. Do you know how far along you are?”

the room goes dead silent “The reason I say that is because it is normal to be dizzy during the first few weeks but if it is causing you to faint we definitely want to check in with your OB to make sure mom and baby are doing ok.” y/n can feel the tears fill her eyes this was not happening right now

“ I'm assuming you are Dad?” the doctor says to Jack who looks just as pale as she did when she found out “Um n-no no that would be my brother” he says looking at y/n who looks like she might have a mental breakdown at any second

“Oh I'm sorry um well from what I am seeing everything looks good but we still want to do an ultrasound just to cover all our bases. We will have someone come in just a few minutes to get that done for you,” she says, pumping some hand sanitizer into her hands “My only suggestions would be lots of rest and to drink lots of water and if everything is all good with the ultrasound you should be out of here pretty soon.” be for leaving me to fix this mess alone.

“ Did you know?” Jack asked and all y/n could manage to do was sob into her hands and shake her head yes “Does he know?” she shook her head no “Oh y/n” he said as if she was a lost puppy coming up to hug her tight while she let it all go “I don't want him to leave me.”

She was full-on sobbing “What, why would you think that?” “ I am ruining his life!” Jack pulled away to get a good look at the girl he saw as a little sister breaking down in his arms “Hey it takes two to tango and it's not fair to him for you to say that when he doesn't even know.” y/n hadn't thought about how unfair it was to judge Luke for a reaction she didn't know he was going to have

“ I'm scared; every woman in my life has done it alone. I know what it looks like and I can't do it.”

Jack is rubbing her back trying to soothe her as best as he can. “Luke is nothing like those guys ok and if he did ever turn out to be one of those guys you know me and Quinn would be right by your side as you kick his ass.” y/n laughed a little at that “ but you keeping this from him is going to break his heart.

Let me know if y'all want Luke's reaction if I keep writing right now it is only going to get worse. I also love doing y'all requests. And again grammar spelling and all of the above don't exist here.💋💋

[nightmaretour]

I hate to do this, and it's a long shot I know, but things are getting desperate and it seems like I'm going to be waiting WAY longer than I should be for something that's fairly urgent.

I'm a disabled trans man living in the UK. Recently I was found to have severe anemia, and came up with my FIT test (gastrointestinal cancer screening) a few months ago, and was referred for a colonoscopy to find out the cause, since it looks like I'm having a slow but constant bleed through my GI tract. However, my referral has been awaiting review for over three months now. I'm not even on the waiting list, I'm waiting for someone to decide if I need to be on the waiting list. Since then I've started having GI symptoms such as pain, intermittent loss of appetite, etc. as well as my anemia worsening significantly.

This is of course pretty urgent, but it looks like I'll be waiting months longer once I finally get on the waiting list too. I really have no choice but to get it done through a private hospital, because of the time sensitive nature of, you know, potentially having cancer. I managed to put some money away out of the backpay I got from PIP, but it's not enough.

[ID: A screenshot of an email that's says:

Dear Mr (name blocked out in red),

Thank you for your website inquiry. For your information, the cost of an initial consultation with one of our consultant gastroenterologists is £280."

It then lists the names of 3 doctors as links, all blocked out in red. The email continues,

"The guide price for a colonoscopy is £2,339. For further information, including appointment availability, please don't hesitate to contact the medical secretaries (followed by three names redacted in red) directly on (phone number redacted in red) or call the private patient team on (phone number redacted in red). End ID]

Currently I have around £1,400 stashed away from PIP backpay I got after they royally fucked things up (however I may need to dip into this at points if I find myself struggling). Together the consultation plus the colonoscopy will cost £2,619, which leaves me about £1220 behind. I know I'm most likely not going to get that much from this, but I honestly have no choice but to try my luck here. I really don't know what else I can do.

I really don't like asking for money from people for nothing, but I have a Ko-fi store where I sell handmade screen printed patches, and I'll be adding more designs to it over the coming weeks when I have the time and energy to make new screens. I'm also offering commissions for custom band patches! (Due to Kofi's TOS I can't officially offer patches for bands without their permission.). Below are a few examples of my work:

[ID: 5 images of patches printed in white on black fabric, all sewn onto a worn looking black denim jacket. All are sewn on roughly in red floss, aside from the last one. The first says "only dates I want are tour dates". The words "dates" and "tour dates" are larger than the other text. All of the letter As are replaced with spade symbols. The second is the logo of the band Cop/Out, which is the band name with rough, jagged edges. The third is the logo for The Prodigy, which is the band name in sharp. Zig-zagging letters. The fourth is the logo for the band Subhumans, a stylised skull shouting into a microphone. The fourth is the horizontal silhouette of a crutch. With the words "Talk shit" above it and "get hit" below it. Unlike the rest it is sewn on in black, and the edge of an embroidered back patch is visible just above it. End ID]

I know a lot of people aren't doing well financially right now, and that there are people in far, far more dire situations who probably need your help far more than I do, but I would appreciate any purchases of patches or help you can offer so, so much. Even just sharing the post would be enormously appreciated.

Current progress:

£115/£1220

And of course as pet tax, here's Cynder :)

[ID: A photo of a female wild type leopard gecko laying spread out on a smooth rounded rock in a glass fronted tank. Her head is sideways and raised, looking at the camera with one eye. She looks relaxed and curious. Behind her a large piece of thick tree bark and a plastic cave can be seen. End ID]

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- part 8

Masterlist

Part of me was hoping that the hate would slow down a bit but of course it didn't. Every time I checked any form of social media all I saw was people posting about how much they didn't like me and assuming that I'm only friends with Pablo to gain something. I thought I'd be able to handle the comments but I just can't there has been so many more than I thought there would be and people have said such hurtful things about my appearance and my character. Pablo keeps apologising and asking if I'm ok and I just keep telling him I'm fine which is a bit of a lie but I can tell he already feels bad enough I don't want to make him feel worse by telling him how I really feel. The worst part about it is that everyone seems to be drawing attention to the things I was already insecure about which hasn't helped my mental state at all.

Today though I have a chance to cheer myself up a bit as I have a big check up with my doctor to see how my recovery is progressing. I think it's going pretty good so hopefully he agrees and says something positive as that would really lift my spirits. I've been nervous about the appointment today as well which has really made the last few days even more challenging on my mental health but I'm trying to stay positive as I know wallowing in sadness and anxiety won't do me any good. 

Alonso came to pick me up a bit before my appointment; when I got in the car I expected him to tease me about everything that happened with the game this weekend but he didn't instead he asked if I was ok. I was going to lie to him too but because he's my brother he knows exactly when I'm lying so I had to tell him the truth. It was kind of nice to get all of my feelings off my chest and Alonso was really supportive and gave me some good advice. He's been through things like this before with getting hate for his performances out on track so he told me to just delete the apps off my phone for a bit that way I'm not tempted to look at what people are saying. In fact he stole my phone and did it for me as I think he knew I probably wouldn't do it myself. 

Once I had my phone back I went into the hospital on my own leaving Alonso to wait in the car for me. The wait for my appointment wasn't long at all and then I went in and was immediately taken for some new scans to see how everything was healing. After scans I was subjected to a load of tests on my range of movement, how much weight I could put on my leg and how much pain I was in. The testing was rigorous and honestly quite exhausting as it's been a long time since I've done this much movement with my knee but for the most part it felt good. After I had done everything the doctor left for a while to review it all and look at my scans which left me just staring at the wall hoping to hear good news. Just as I was daydreaming the door opened again and the doctor came back in, his expression was impossible to read which for some reason filled me with a few more nerves.

"Ok Lola things aren't progressing as we would like them too internally you aren't healing as quick as we thought you would and your movement isn't at the range we would expect it to be" he said 

"What does that mean?" I asked holding back tears 

"For now it doesn't mean too much this can happen as we can't always accurately predict how quickly people will recover but we will set another one of these appointments in a few weeks and if we aren't seeing improvement you may need a second surgery so that we can see what's going on" the doctor explained 

"Ok" was all I could manage to say 

"I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but don't let it discourage you if you keep working hard you won't need the surgery" he said 

We scheduled my next appointment and that was as long as I could hold it together. All of my emotions that I'd been holding onto for the last few days came out all at once, as soon as I left the hospital doors I burst into tears and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I made my way back to where Alonso parked but before I could get into the car Alonso had got out and wrapped me in his arms. He tried to get me to stop crying and tell him what was wrong but I just couldn't he tried everything to help me all of which had worked before but today nothing could stop me. Eventually he gave up and let me get in the car so we could go home because right now all I want is to just go home and get to grips with my emotions as I clearly have a lot to process. 

As much as my eyes were filled with tears I could tell that Alonso didn't take the turn to take me back to my place which meant he was going to take me somewhere in hopes of cheering me up. I really didn't want to go wherever it was he was planning to go but I was sobbing too much to tell him to take me home. We went a bit further before the car stopped and I looked round a bit as at first I didn't recognise where we were but then I saw Pablo's house and realised we were just down the street. I should've known Alonso was going to bring me here but this is the last place I want to be I don't want Pablo to see me like this. I knew we said we would help each other out but I know for a fact Pablo is doing better and I know he's in a better place mentally and I don't want to ruin that by projecting my problems onto him that wouldn't be fair. 

Alonso had to practically drag me out of the car and down the road which was rather easy for him as I'm not strong enough to put up too much of a fight. We walked down the street to Pablo's house where Alonso left me to ring the doorbell, part of me was hoping that he wouldn't be in even though he said he had no plans today. Of course after just a few seconds the door opened and I locked eyes with Pablo who straight away rushed over as quick as he could and wrapped me up in his arms. I wanted to stop crying but for some reason I only cried more once I was in Pablo's arms it was like he made me feel safe enough to truly let all of my feelings out. Pablo said a few words to my brother before taking me inside and allowing him to leave. 

Pablo took me to the sofa and allowed me to settle into his embrace with my head buried in his chest so he couldn't see my tear stained and probably red and puffy face. His hand was gently stroking my back trying to calm me down while he whispered comforting words in my ears. It wasn't anything special what he was doing but hearing his words and feeling his hands on me did wonders in helping calm my emotions which I didn't have any control over. As my tears began to slow down Pablo kept rubbing my back and he even wiped some of the tears from my face that he could reach as I was still hiding most of my face. I never would've thought he would be so good at comforting me I mean he's always so hyper and full of energy I never imagined that he'd be any good at keeping calm and radiating that onto others but clearly he is. Once I had completely stopped crying and my breathing was getting back to normal Pablo put a hand under my chin and got me to look at him.

"Can you tell me what's wrong I hate seeing you so upset and I want to help" he said 

"The doctor said my knee isn't healing properly and I might need another surgery if things don't get better" I said still sniffling slightly 

"I'm sorry that sounds awful but that's not the only thing on your mind is it" he probed further 

"No that's it" I lied 

"Don't lie to me please just tell me what's wrong I'll do whatever I can to help and I won't judge you you know that" he said 

Damn why doesn't he have to be able to read me like a book.

"Ok I've been getting a lot of hate since we were seen together at the game and it's been getting to me a bit I thought I could handle it as I'm used to criticism but I can't some people are just so mean" I admitted letting a few more tears fall 

"I knew it was getting to you people on social media are assholes because they don't feel the consequences of what they say but none of what they say is true" he said 

"But they keep talking about how I must be using you or how I don't deserve to even be friends with you which that part is kind of true" I rambled 

"No it's not true I can't even imagine what my life would be like without you I love spending time with you just because you aren't famous doesn't mean you don't deserve to be friends with me and despite what they say I know you aren't using me I know you would never do that" he said 

"And before you say anything all of the things they say about your appearance aren't true either you are beautiful inside and out and they are just jealous" he added 

Hearing him say that put a smile on my face. Pablo has never really complimented me before he's told me my outfit was cool a few times but he's never called me beautiful so hearing it made me feel a lot better about myself. He must've noticed that I was finally smiling again as he told me I looked pretty when I smiled which only made my cheeks heat up but luckily my face was already red from crying so Pablo probably wouldn't have noticed. Although I kind of wish he knew how he made me feel because as time goes on it's getting harder and harder to hide my true feelings from him. 

Pablo's POV

The pain in her eyes just shattered my heart. She's been my rock throughout every step of the way so far so to see her breakdown right in front of me really hurt. This whole time she's been the strong one never letting anything get to her but finally it's caught up with her and part of it's my fault because we got seen together at the game and now people are tearing her apart and one person can only handle so much. I feel so awful that I'm part of the reason she's so upset but knowing that I can be there for her and calm her down makes me feel a bit better. When she arrived she was hysterical and her brother told me he couldn't get a word out of her so he wanted me to try so that's what I did. I'm not very good at keeping myself calm at times let alone other people but I tried my best and after a while of just rubbing her back and whispering to her she calmed down. It felt good to be the one to help her because she's done so much for me that anything I can do to even remotely repay that I'll do in a heartbeat.

Hearing the way she criticised herself as well it pained me. She's the most beautiful and kind person I've ever met so to hear her say that she thought she didn't deserve to be friends with me hurt but what hurt more was to see that those horrible people got to her and made her feel insecure in herself. Throughout the time we've known each other I've always wanted to tell her just how beautiful she is but I've refrained as I know once I open the flood gates there's no going back. Once I start complimenting her I'm scared that I'll let my feelings show but today she needed it so I knew I had to take the risk. Seeing the smile that my compliments gave her made the risk feel worth it though as I'd do anything to keep her smiling 24/7.

Looking into her eyes as she smiled and blushed at my words made me feel some type of way. I've felt something for her since we first met and I've kept those feelings repressed until now but I don't know if I can do it any longer. She's just the most perfect girl I've ever met and I don't want to lose her whether that be to another guy or to the fear of what us being friends might mean for her. I have to tell her how I feel in hopes that as long as she feels the same way it gives her a reason to stick around even when things are tough like they are right now. As scary as it is I have to take the risk. 

[no-saints-around-here]

i just read your little blurbs with panties and kokonoi, and who do you think it would be 👁👁 do you think he would ever let redacted join them either in or after a livestream 👁👁

Recommended Readings: Panty Sniffing HCs; Koko Panties Ask

Masterlist

‎‎‎

tw: nsfw, afab reader, forced exhibitionism, oral, panty soiling, panty sniffing, dead dove do not eat

Intentionally left that as a mystery so that yall can daydream a little about whoever your favourite Bonten exec is! buuuttt if you ask me-

In my head, that little sneaker would be Kakucho hands down.

Well known around the syndicate that Koko doesn't trust any of the other executives as far as he can throw them, especially not with your safety. He knows they know what the two of you get up to in the confines of the lush, opulent bedroom, what with his obsession with you; the white-haired man can't shut up about how adorable you looked in just your panties and thigh highs with a scrunched up nose and a touch of tears at the corner of your eyes. Not to say the sheer number of times the circle of Bonten managers had to hear again and again during actual official meetings about the long string of 0s that your used underwear fetches in auctions online, and how yummy he thought your round butt looked when he finally got to fuck you after the camera was off (the absolute simp) until Mikey finally tells him to shut the fuck up. Maybe Mikey would be the sole exception given he simply has no interest in anything or anyone else, but his mental stability around someone as soft and delicate as you would be what Koko calls into question. So in conclusion, it would be a cold day in hell before he lets you venture out of your luxurious shared room when any of them are out and about and allow them to even lay their eyes on you.

But as a working executive himself and the extremely busy treasurer of an organization as large and sophisticated as Bonten, there are definitely extended periods where work gets in the way of you and him, but your needs that require you to venture out remain despite Koko trying his best to have as many facilities built ensuite for you. You still had your weekly private doctor appointments to attend and clothes fittings to go to (absolutely no one was allowed in your room if you were in and he was not). Because how could he not buy you the best money can afford? You were his whole life, his only reason to keep living and trudging foward. So the one reluctant exception to his rule would be Kakucho; stoic, distant and an all-round good-hearted guy deep down. An unlucky soul much like himself that unfortunately somehow found his way into the underworld life, Koko felt that Bonten’s third in command would be the one that he could trust to look after you when he wasn’t free to and more importantly, keep his hands off of you no matter how delectable and snackable you looked much unlike those disgusting Haitani twins, even if both Ran and Rindo vehemently deny all and every allegation.

And stoic Kakucho was from the first day he came to pick you up from your room for a usual appointment for a high fashion fitting - you had let a surprised exclamation slip out when you opened your door to him. Barely speaking to you except when he absolutely needed to to give you instructions, keeping a respectable distance away from you and declining to touch you in any way or form, escorting you straight to the secured location and then back to your room (where Koko was already hiding and eagerly awaiting your return), making sure you locked the door behind him. A quick rub and sniff of your panties found it to be completely unwet, and the black-haired man passed the unspoken test run. Kakucho was a perfect fit for the occasional job, living up to his loyal name, and Koko was sure to reward the man handsomely for the trouble, not blinking an eye even when the money came from his own pocket for anything that Kakucho might desire.

Yet unknown to Bonten’s finance guru, even if Kakucho have said less than a handful of words to you, you were still happy to chatter away with a new face, something you hadn’t had the privilege to do for god only knows how long. Koko despises it when your attention wavers from him for even a second without a very good reason, and the last thing you wanted was to get anyone into trouble; but your clingy partner never seem to find out when you talk to Kakucho in the privacy of the armoured vehicle you two ride. And so you talk, starting with the mundane stuff like what you read in the few magazines and books you were allowed when Koko was too busy to whine for your affection, to what you were looking forward to eating and trying, venturing to even mentioning about the few times you’ve seen others walk by your room through the peephole, which you were explicitly forbidden from doing. Interestingly enough, you never once had anything bad to say about Koko or the panty auctions that you certainly weren’t a willing participant in.

And despite everything that you had been put through, the gleam in your doe eyes never faded, and you enjoyed the rare minutes that you were allowed to peer out of the car window at the city around you whizzing by, fascinated at even the simplest things - a convenient store that you fondly remember, a playground, a school. You would become the sole light of Kakucho’s life, the last remnants of innocence that Kakucho grasps on to as if a lifeline in the turbulent, harsh sea that was Bonten. Upbeat, positive and truly naive, Kakucho finally understood what was it that Koko saw in you: an escape from what reality was. An escape to what could have been. Definitely started looking forward to hearing about you during those meetings, almost disappointed when Koko was forced to stop so that they could continue discussing more dreary topics. And then the smell of you on your used panties when he finally caved and begged the website from Mikey in return for a favour. There wasn’t words that could describe what your juices smelt like; sweet, heavenly, divine, all words that paled to what he could take in. And then the disgusting, depraved thoughts that ran through his head of what he would do to you when Kakucho wrapped the thin cloth around his dick, the dark seed of utter desire and envy planted as a few pumps is all it took for him to cum, though the Bonten executive was quick to pull your underwear away to avoid getting it dirty. He paid too many zeros for this to be a one-time use.

One way or another, anything and everything that goes on within the syndicate finds its way back to Koko, and no surprise that it does. He did fill the bags and control the purse strings after all, and no one under Mikey dared deny this white-haired man the information he wanted. No doubt he learns about Kakucho’s self-funded purchase of your used panties not once but multiple times, complete with alias and covering his tracks best as he can, and Koko’s first reaction would be betrayal. This was the man he trusted to take care of you when he wasn’t looking? What else was he telling you, doing to you when there were no eyes? And an agitated Koko is not someone you liked to deal with, instantly turning on you with jealousy and possessiveness burning behind his eyes, tight slap to your face leaving you reeling before strong hands closed over your throat as he pinned you to the bed, questioning you again and again about Kakucho even as you thrashed in a bid to breathe. Were you lying to him too? Were you trying to escape from him with Kakucho?

His next feeling would be smugness and greed. Of course Kakucho would fall for you like he did; you were his little perfect angel. Would Koko ever let Kakucho fuck you? Absolutely fucking not, even once this boy has rung every last bit of information from you and is finally satisfied of your loyalty to him. You were his and only his, and no matter how secure Koko felt about you, he wasn't going to share.

‎

But would he let Kakucho have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to taste you on a livestream? Yes. Big yes. The former Black Dragon is a master at playing the game and understanding what makes someone tick, and leveraging you against someone as infatuated with you as Kakucho as a fellow executive and having that to hold over his head for bascially nothing was a no-brainer. The black-haired man wouldn’t realize that Koko already knew about his secretive buying habits when he is invited over to Koko’s room, thinking it’ll just be another escort job. It would be gut-wrenching for Kakucho to walk in and see you already trussed up, on all fours with your limbs in spreader bars and eyes blindfolded, your skin very clearly covered in whip marks and raised welts; and that was precisely when it set in that Koko knew. But despite this guilt at you having taken the punishment for something he did, Koko’s offer instantly had the other second guessing himself.

One favour, and he could touch and smell and taste you as long as he wanted, even keep your panties afterwards - with the conditions that there would be no penetration with fingers or dicks, that Koko would be present and watching from the corner of the room, and that it was all on livestream. Your thighs already trembling at the effort to keep you up as Kakucho approached, eagerly crawling towards you even as you hoarsely repeated his name, telling him that you didn’t want this. He knew this was wrong, he knew he shouldn’t, but your tantalisingly wet pussy glistening with your juice was too big a temptation. One press of his face in between your legs and there was nothing more Kakucho could think about in the moment, sucking and licking and tongue-fucking you, his big hands wrapped around your thighs and keeping you up as your lovely voice moaned his name and your body shook at the exertion as you came again and again and again.

And the livestream instantly explodes into outrage, much to Koko’s delight exactly as he had predicted. Who was this stranger who had the sheer privilege of being there with you, tasting your milk as you cum around his tongue? Was this some sort of hidden tier they had yet to unlock with their bid amounts? How much did he pay for this opportunity? But all answers went unanswered, and the bidders could only put forth their best guess. Of course Koko would never disclose that something like this was priceless, given all the doors that could be unlocked with a single favour from Kakucho, and the many future opportunities for business given Kakucho would never stop craving you - but he allowed the masses to stew and bemoan and hypothesise, the already outrageous numbers that your panties garner on the auction growing to even more ludicrous numbers as your wealthy fans try their best.

I’m kinda curious who your redacted-kuns are and how you think Koko would react hehehehe

[gabessquishytum]

Fun fact about growing up in a large family is that sometimes, siblings feel left out and there is only so much parent to go around. Cue Nepo CEO Dream not wanting to have a big family. He just has too much work and doesn't want to put any of his future children through that. He will always love all of his children and he wants them to know and feel that! Three is more than enough.

Hob is fine with this, he didn't have too many siblings, but just being around Dream's family has shown him how big of a headache large families can be. They have one child and Dream happily takes the time to properly lavish his baby with attention while also figuring out how to balance his work and home life. He has baby #2 two years after his first and then baby three comes two years after that.

At first, he was overjoyed. Hob has really stepped up to care for his monstrously large children and is the best dad. Better than his own by a long shot. The company is doing great and he finds himself comfortable with where his life is. But there's a problem. After he gave birth to baby #3, Dream wanted a hysterectomy. He set the appointment and tried to listen to his doctor carefully. No sex for a month before surgery and since he was advised not to restart his birth control until 6 weeks after the birth, it works out. It's only four weeks, they've gone longer than that.

But with the new baby and a shift into work from home, he's spent a lot more private time with Hob than he ever has before. I don't think I need to be the one to tell you how sexy Hob looks domesticated. How alluring he looks while his daughter puts fake makeup and glitter on his face and ties his hair into pigtails. Or when he holds their son to his chest and sings him a lullaby late at night.

Baby #4 comes at the checkup prior to surgery. He gets a stern talking to by the doctor and a lot of sly looks from Hob, but whatever. Four babies is a lot, but it's not too bad. He manage!

He can't. Babies #5 and #6 come just ten months shy of their older sibling. What can he say? He didn't expect twins! And the kids were all asleep and really when were they ever gonna get the opportunity to have sex again?

After that, he bites the bullet and just accepts his large family, and goes back on the implant. Who knew six children could be such a handful? Dream, Dream knew but he wouldn't change it for anything

- 🤜 Anon

NEPO CEO PREGNANT DREAM AU!!! YAY!!

Oh Dream. He's trying his best out there. He should have taken Hob up on the offer of getting a vasectomy buuuut. He didn't.

Honestly he feels like he and Hob are probably equally to blame, it's not even like he can lay all the blame on his husband. As soon as his babies get out of the newborn phase, Dream feels himself getting broody all over again. It's like he manages to sabotage his best efforts at safe sex - oh no, the condoms got old and expired, oops he gripped Hob so hard around the hips that he couldn't pull out, oops... Hob's stupid wonder-sperm and great genetics just kinda sealed the deal every time. And it's not like he complains when Dream comes stomping out of the bathroom with another fistful of positive pregnancy tests.

The twins were perhaps inevitable, since they run in Dream’s family, and poor Dream really does decide that this is his final pregnancy. TWO of Hob’s big bouncy 90th percentile babies inside him at once really is the limit of what he can handle, and Hob agrees. As sexy as it was seeing Dream get absolutely massive, he was also too exhausted to get off the couch for 3 months, and Hob doesn't want to see his darling like that again.

And Dream wants to enjoy his house-husband in all his glory. When he gets horny about Hob looking all sleepy with spitup on his jumper, Dream firmly smacks himself on the wrist and consoles himself with kissing Hob and running off to the bathroom.

Then again, in 10 years time, Dream will still be fertile. Maybe they'll have time and energy for one more baby (and Dream’s ankles might finally have become un-swollen).

[thescrumblingmidwife]

Hi! I know other people have sent similar asks before but I thought I'd send my own just to be sure. I can't fit more than a finger... up there. And even then its a tight fit. That's enough for me but I'm worried about if I go for a pap smear (I think that's what its called, I have a bad memory): something has to go up there right? Will it fit? What happens if it doesn't? Is it going to be a hassle to request a woman? How much do I need to "clean up"? No pressure to respond right away, I get that you're busy. I just wanna know what to expect. Thank you! 😊❤

Hi Anon!

How old are you? You don't need a pap smear until 21, and you don't need a pelvic exam at all before then unless you've got some kind of complaint or you want to get fitted for an IUD. If you are 21+ and have had zero sexual contact, you can discuss a modified schedule with your provider.

PELVIC EXAMS

Reminder - pelvic exam is when the doctor/midwife examines your pelvic area and vagina. This can include the use of a speculum or not, and be done for a number of reasons. Pap smear is a screening test where we take a cell sample (like a cheek swab) from your cervix to check for HPV/precancerous lesions. A pap smear is usually conducted in conjunction with a pelvic exam, but not all pelvic exams include a pap smear, as you don't usually need one every year.

Let's go through your questions one by one. But first I want to start by saying that medical consent is the same as regular consent - you have a right to refuse or defer any procedure or examination, or to stop one at any time. You have the right to fully understand everything you're consenting to, and ask as many questions as you need to feel comfortable. If you make an initial appointment with an OBGYN or midwife, and she doesn't pass the vibe check, you are not obligated to go through with the exam. It can be scary to stand up to someone who seems like they're in a position of power, but you should know that you can.

"Something has to go up there, right?"

At your first GYN appointment, nothing has to go anywhere. You'll meet with a provider, she'll take your full medical history, your menstrual and sexual history, your family history, ask if there are any concerns you want to discuss. At this point, you should talk to her about your issues with insertion and your anxiety about it. She may want to have a look (literally just eyeballs) to ensure there's nothing going on, but she will ask permission before doing any touching, and explain everything she's doing. If she thinks it's worth attempting a pelvic exam, she would start very slowly and only with your full buy-in. It may be necessary to try to figure out if you've got an underlying problem.

When a pelvic exam is warranted (like when you need a pap), the provider may first insert fingers while pressing on your belly (called a bimanual exam) to assess your anatomy, and then use a device called a speculum, which allows us to actually see the inside of the vagina (speculum exam). The speculum will be lubricated, and the provider will coach you through the insertion process. You can also ask about inserting it yourself. Usually, you lie back and put your legs up in stirrups, and are coached to let your knees fall out and give a deep breath out, so as to relax your pelvic floor muscles, while the speculum is inserted down and back (towards your tailbone) in a smooth motion. You'll then feel a bit of pressure as the blades of the speculum are slowly opened so the provider can peek through. It shouldn't hurt, but it can be uncomfortable. I don't know anyone who actively enjoys speculum exams, but most people would say they're not too bad. The whole thing is over in a matter of seconds.

"Will it fit?"

Speculums come in a wide range of sizes, in plastic or metal (if metal, it will be warmed). You can ask for the smallest speculum they have (they make pediatric-sized speculums, so there are definitely small ones - see middle device in the image below, about the size of a finger). The provider will use one that should fit based on your history, anxiety/preferences, and her visual inspection of you - but don't be afraid to speak up.

"What happens if it doesn't?"

If you have an anatomical variation that means even a pediatric speculum could not fit, the provider will likely catch this before you get to the speculum stage. If you've got something going on like vaginismus, this will help her diagnose you. The most likely scenario is that you just need a competent and compassionate provider you trust and some good coaching. But what will NOT happen is the provider trying to jam something into you that doesn't fit!

"Is it going to be a hassle to request a woman?"

Absolutely not. It's very normal to have gender preferences with medical providers, especially for something so sensitive. Just ask for a female provider when you're requesting your appointment. You can also ask to see a midwife -- we're something like 96-99% female-identified, with most of the rest being AFAB trans/GNC/NB. (There ARE a few male midwives, but they're really rare).

"How much do I need to 'clean up'?"

If you've got time and it would make you feel better, take a shower before you come, wash with soap and water like normal. But if you can only get in on your lunch break or something, that's fine. Otherwise, you don't need to do anything! I promise your pubic hair is not so forest-like that we will not be able to examine you. Don't douche, or use any fragrances or lotions unless you would like some patient education about how you should not use "feminine products."

Okay Anon, that's an initial GYN visit in a nutshell!

[pom-seedss]

Okay. So.

I am 99.999~% sure it is my neck. Whether it is a weird nerve pinch or a blood vessel or what idk, but after more testing of various things at home it is almost certainly the culprit for the temperature disregulation. TL;DR at the end.

I finally got my doctor's office to take it seriously by writing a letter mentioning that I have at many points wanted to die and did not want to get *actively* suicidal again after over five years without having been actively suicidal. Since it it in writing that their patient was potentially going to become suicidal about them not doing anything.... they decided it was appropriate to actually do something. What I found out is despite my doctor's office being a multi-doctor clinic who supposedly works together, my primary doctor didn't even confer with her colleagues about the situation before going with the "I can't think of anything" and leaving it with me.

Because the on-call doctor decided to actually *listen* to what I was saying and is sending me for a neck xray with possibility of going for further testing (ex: MRI) if things turn out normal there. He is also sending me for some endocrine testing, cortisol testing and some kind of 24 our urine analysis test as a just in case it's these weird things measure. He literally just took the few things that were on the top of his head from maybe 20 minutes looking in to my situation, so I am still pretty mad at my primary doctor for the negligent attitude she'd taken towards this.

And yes, they are probably only acting to cover their asses because I mentioned not wanting to be actively suicidal about all of this again. But that wasn't an idle threat, I was starting to teeter towards that feeling and even Bean was worried and if there was literally no end to this we actually discussed MAiD at one point - not as an immediate thing, but as a vague possibility because of how fucking awful it was and the prospect of living with that forever was *that* fucking daunting.

My doctor was trying to pass it off as 'a weird stress response' despite the only major stressor in my life at that point being...the hot cold bullshit itself. And yes, stress made it worse, but that's true of *any* condition under the sun.

I finally got to go back in to my old chiropractor of 12+ years who knows how to take care of my body and almost instantly she made me go from feral gremlin with a boiling head to human being again. It just sucks because it is taxing on my body to travel 1.5hrs to get that treatment.

Granted, one appointment isn't going to solve this problem and what I really need is long-term stability, which is what I am going to go back to physiotherapy for as soon as I am cleared by my gallbladder surgeon to be able to do more active things.

Along with going back to massage therapy, whenever I can actually book that *rolls eyes at everyone under the sun having no availability*, I hope that I can get this at least under control. TL;DR 1. Doctor's office finally decided to check some basic things out, like a neck xray, after I mentioned I was on the edge of becoming suicidal about being left to my own devices about this. 2. It is almost certainly my neck causing the issue. 3. I am trying to get back in to regular treatment in various places to help heal and stabilize the neck. 4. I am not well yet, the worst of it can come back at any time, but I am more hopeful for the future. Holy fuck this has been scary and exhausting and it will take awhile for me to be okay with things but damn.... it's...something. Maybe this will just be a very bad blip in my life after all.

[cookiesandbiscuits]

Crunchy as a Celery

Genre: Crack (no pun intended) with a little bit of fluff

Pairing: Mammon x GN! Reader

Summary: You went to the chiropractor with Mammon to fix your bad back. He discovers something during the appointment.

A/N: Just a random thought while watching chiropractic ASMR videos.

MASTERLIST

"How is that any different from a massage?" Mammon scratches his head in confusion as you explain the difference between chiropractic treatment and massage.

The two of you are in the human world today because of your stiff lower back. To fix this, you made an appointment for a chiropractic treatment after a friend of yours recommended it to you.

Mammon insisted that he go with you. And after a few nudges here and there, Lucifer finally yielded and gave Mammon permission to go with you (on the condition that he passes the long test that will be conducted that week). Fortunately for Mammon, he did pass the test, although barely.

And now here he is, sitting on a chair while waiting for your appointment to be done.

"Mx. MC?"

You looked up from the magazine you were reading. "Oh, that's me. I'm here."

The receptionist led the two of you to a room. A woman was waiting inside.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Heather Martinez. You can call me Dr. Heather. I'll be your chiropractor for today." The woman introduced herself.

"So, can you please tell me what brought you here today?"

"I've been having trouble with my back lately. It's been quite stiff, and it's getting hard to move around. There is also an issue with my neck and shoulders, but it's not as bad as my back," you explained.

"Okay," the doctor nods. "And how has this been affecting your life as of now?"

"Well, like I had said before, it's hard moving around with this back. I'm also having a hard time sleeping because sometimes the pain gets really bad. I also can't stand that long anymore. My body will ache if I do."

"Okay, Mx. MC, we're going to do some checks so that we can see what else we need to adjust other than those areas you have mentioned. I want you to turn to your left..."

.

.

.

Mammon watched on as Dr. Heather did some checkups on you. As you lay on your stomach, he was convinced that this treatment doesn't really differ from massages.

"Okay, Mx. MC, take a deep breath for me. Relax your shoulders. Okay, good. Now, take another deep breath and..."

CRACK!!

Okay, now that sound isn't something you should hear during massages.

"Oh my god, that felt nice," you groaned.

"O-oi, are ya okay?" Worry began bubbling up from inside Mammon.

You gave him a thumbs up.

"Really? You are?" He is now panicking.

"Shut it, Mammon. I'm trying to savor the sensation."

He turned to Dr. Heather. "Okay, explain to me. What was that sound?"

But Dr. Heather only giggled at his response. "Don't worry, sir. Your friend here is all right. The sound you heard just now was just the tension on their body being released."

"Are you sure that's not their bones breaking?"

"Doc, I'm ready for more now." You said.

Mammon just stared at you, dumbfounded. How can you say that after what happened? Are you not worried? Because he, for one, is very much so. He just heard your bones crack! And he's pretty sure that humans aren't supposed to sound like that. Or maybe they do?

He just kept watching as more cracking sounds were heard.

...

"That... was the best experience in my life! How could I not know this before? Look, I can perfectly bend down again!" Your voice was filled with glee after the session.

"I'm glad I could be of help to you," Dr. Heather says.

"Doc, thank you very much. Really, I'm very grateful for you."

You turned to your companion.

"Mammon! You should try this sometimes!"

He shook his head. "No thanks."

You can only watch as Mammon flees the scene.

"Oh dear," Dr. Heather smiled sheepishly. "I think this session may have spooked him a bit."

"That's... very likely. I should go follow him now."

You thanked the doctor again before following Mammon outside.

.

.

.

"Mammon! Wait up!"

The demon halted when he heard your voice calling.

"Thank goodness you stopped... Mammon?"

...

"Helloooo? Earth to Mammon?"

...

"Mam— H-Hey! What are you? Wait!! Ahahaha stop!"

Mammon's hands stopped moving when you said the word "stop".

"Why...are you...being so touchy...all of a sudden?" You asked while catching your breath.

"I was checking for broken bones." Mammon looks at you with worry.

"Broken bones? You're not talking about the cracks you heard earlier, right?"

...

"Oh. Oh, Mammon. I'm sorry for worrying you. But I really am okay. Besides, I wouldn't be making this appointment in the first place if I knew it would cause me harm."

...

"Are ya sure you're okay? You're not in any pain?"

You shook your head.

Only then did Mammon release the breath he was holding.

"But seriously, Mammon. That treatment was amazing. You should definitely try it out!"

"No."

[yandere-mha-blog]

Part 12

Words:2033

You give yourself a peace of mind when going to the doctors

It had been four weeks since Dabis's little “visit” to your apartment, ever since Keigo told you he had roughed him up a bit, you had learned to relax a bit more, but there really was no sign of Dabi, still, there was that small molecule of stress int he back of your mind that kept nagging at you that he must have been planning something.

But something else was bothering you, specifically mother nature hasn't visited you. At first, you were so dressed with starting a new school and the fact your Ex stalked you down that the fact aunt flow hasn't visited you in over five weeks.

You thought back “Okay let's see, I got my period, then three days later we did it, then two days after we broke up, so it should be here by now., there is no way I could be, I mean we used protection so, I should be good right.” you hoped as you clutched your stomach “I need to get a test.”

You hustled to the convenience store near campus and grabbed a test, and some chocolate and checked out, and ran back to your apartment.

“Okay so i have to pee in the cut and put it on the test, I can't just pee on the stick…tv lied to me.” you thought as you sat the test down and waited. And waiting for these ten minutes felt like hell as you looked at the test, it was negative, thank god.

You looked a the back of the box

“Pregnancy tests are not 100%, too soon of a test may result in a false negative.”

“Oh come on!” you shouted as you tossed the test in the trash and grabbed your phone, you gulped and called the only other women you knew.

Your mom.

She picked up almost instantly 

“Hi honey how are you doing?’ she asked “Have you made any friends.”

“Hi Mom, I'm doing okay, and yes I have made a nice friend, but I needed to ask you something real quick.”

“Well out with it,” she said

“My period..it's late,” you said 

“.....I'm sorry what?” she asked

“Mom my period is late.”

“You have been at college for a month!” she said 

“Mom I haven't slept with anyone here!” you yelled back

“Oh no don't tell me you-”

“Yes Mom we did, now look can you just help, I took a test and it said it was negative but i’m still scared….what should I do?”

She let out a sigh “Set up a doctor's appointment for blood work to test for pregnancy, (name) I have to ask did you use protection?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Okay good…did you always use protection?” “Yes Mom!” you said “But Mom what if im-”

“Ah, no no you will cross that bridge if you get there, now set up an appointment,” she said 

“Alright, thanks ma, love you, ill call you soon.”

“You better, and tell me about your new friend.”

“I will later Mom,” you said and hung up and let out a long breath, you called the doctor's office and set up an appointment, lucicily they could squeeze you in tomorrow.

So when you were in the waiting room the next day instead of in class you got a text from Keigo

“Hey, where are you?”

“I'm at a doctor's appointment :P”

“Ohhhhh for what, or is it tmi?”

“Blood work, getting some stuff checked out”

“Well have fun with the poking and prodigy, the teacher is giving me the stink eye, want me to come pick you up after?”

“I’ll be fine thanks tho, don't skip class mister.”

“I won’t :P”

You were called into the doctor's office and sat on the table and waited, you were a bit nervous as you clutched your lower stomach.

“Hello (name), I'm dr sato, and what bring you in today?” she asked in an open voice as she sat down on the chair

“My period is late, and I think there is a slight chance I could be pregnant, I took a test but I hear taking them too early can result in a false negative,” you said as you fiddle with your sleeve

“Okay I see, when was your last sexual encounter?” she asked

“About five weeks, it was three days after my period, we used protection, but my period is like to weeks late.” you said

“Alright ill draw some blood and get it into the lab.” She said, “Was contraction used.”

“Yes,” you said

“What kind?” she asked

“Condoms,” you answered

“Alright and would you like to do an std screen today?” she asked

“Uhh, no thanks just the blood work, please,” you said

“Alright.” she said and continued to type down on her computer “i will go grab the supplies and be back soon, but from the sound of it, it sounds like a later period, have you been under a lot of stress suddenly?”

“I…I guess I have.” you explained “I moved into a new dorm away from home, after breaking up with a not-so-good guy, and he has been bugging me a lot.”

“Ah well as your doctor I will run the blood work, but to me, it sounds like the sudden change and stress in your life has affected your cycle.” she said “We will do the test just to make sure.”

“Thank you,” you said and she left, returning with a needle, you looked away as the blood was drawn out, the bandaid placed on your arm and you were sent home, they said the results would be done by tomorrow.

On the walk home, you felt a sense of shame. Thinking back on those nights, and how you now felt about him, at the time you just felt so infatuated with him, it felt right, but the situation, looking back on it, made you feel like an idiot.

“Oh (name)~” Keigo chimed in as you were walking past the fountain to your next class.

“Hey Keigo,” you said and greeted him with a smile

“I see you got a booboo on your arm.” he said pointing to the bandaid, they took your blood away to clone you.”

“Haha, no no, just some blood work,” you said

“Ah routine check-up?” he asked

“Something like that.” you said avoiding the question, you looked up at him “Hey Keigo are you feeling okay?”

“Huh, me?” he asked and pointed to himself “Never better.”

“... those eye bags say otherwise.” you said, “have you been getting enough sleep?”

“Yup sure have.” He lied

“....well maybe you should add a couple more hours of sleep,” you suggested 

“...hmm perhaps I do require a nap,” Keigo said

“Also could you come over tonight to review what I missed,” you said

“I would love to, however, I have work.” he said dejected “I can give you my notes though.”

“That would be a great help,” you said as he handed you his red notebook. “I shall return it to you tomorrow in class.”

“You better.” he said and ruffled your head “Oops sorry I forgot you don't like that-”

“It's fine, it's growing on me,” you said with a smile and waved him off

“She is so cute.” he thought before slapping his face causing a couple of passersby to look at him as crazy. “No, we are not developing a crush on our best friend, who still needs to get over her psycho ex.”

The next day in class you and Keigo sat next to each other as you handed him back his notebook.

“Thanks again,” you whispered as the teacher droned on about the assignment you already finished, you liked to think ahead.

“No probs, did the notes make sense?” he asked

“Perfectly the chicken doodles in the corner really helped.” you quickly nudged him

“My draws do add a bit of a flair to my notes,” he said, you continued to check your phone waiting for the doctors to call, low and behold they finally did, and you excused yourself from the class using the back door.

“Hello, miss (last name)? dr sato here about your test results.” She said

“Yes that's me,” you said

“Well your test came back negative, however, you are low on vitamin D, I would suggest a supplement,” she said

“Oh thank goodness, thank you, doctor,” you said as you put a relived hand on your chest

“Of course call us back if you have any questions or concerns,” she said 

“Thank you I will if any pop-up,” you said and hung up

“What was that?” Keigo asked, you jumped and nearly smacked him

“Jeez Keigo you scared the crap out of me!” you exclaimed as he put his hands up defectively

“I'm sorry I'm sorry you left in such a rush I thought something was wrong,” he said, you looked relieved now though.

“Ugh I am,” you said slumping against the wall 

“Man it must have been something kinda serious then, have you been having faint spells or something?” he asked

“No nothing like that, just some personal issues that have been taken care of.” you said “and that is where this discussion ends.”

“Alightly, also did you know the teacher made it so if you leave his class you can’t get back in,” Keigo said

“...are you kidding me right now?” you asked as you felt your eye twitch

“Nope…wanna grab a snack?” he asked

“Might as well, I want something cold, it's hot,” you said

“Swee, I know this great ice cream shop a couple of blocks..that way.” he pointed down the street

“Well we can't go back to class, so let’s go,” you said and the two of you walked out of the building and to the ice cream shop, you just got a vanilla soft serve ice cone, while Keigo got the works.

“Keigo how do you know all the best spots for food?” you asked

“I just do.” he said “Also can I ask a question.”

“As long as it's not about the doctor's appointment, shoot,” you replied

“It's not.” Keigo said, “I was just wondering if you have seen your ex anywhere.”

“Surprisingly no,” you said

“Good, sometimes I wonder why you dated the human equivalent of a headache,” he said and you gabbed his side

“Owch!” he said

“Dabi was a headache looking back on it, but he had a charming way of weaseling his way in,” you explained

“Sorry sorry didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming you,” he said, he messed up.

“It's fine, I know what you mean, but you sure do like to comment on my previous love life, when I know nothing about yours,” you said

“What there to say,” he said

“Well I've heard rumors that you are well…a playboy,” you said

“What me?” Kiego said “Probs because of how I dress and my laid-back attitude.”

You two were laughing a bit 

“But I have had three girlfriends, one was in elementary school and she broke up with me after one hour because another boy gave her a cookie.”

“Heartbreaking.” you joined in

“Second one was in middle school and we broke up after three weeks because turns out her friends made a bet.” Keigo continued

“Geez that sucks,” you said

“My last and final relationship was in my 20s but we wanted different things and ended it after a year and a half.” he finished his story

“Different things?” you said

“Yup…like I wanted a change to my lifestyle and she wanted the same lifestyle so we kinda just split off, I mean nothing against her it wasn't like messy or anything,” he explained

“Lucky you, sometimes I wish I could go back and warn younger me.” you said “But at least know I have an actual friend.”

“Same here.” Keigo said as he looked at his watch “Unfornuinttily I have to get to my next class, so I shall see you later.”

“Later Keigo I’m gonna run as well,” you said and headed off to your next class and scarfed down your ice cream. Little did you know a certain someone was watching your every move. 

[nurgletwh]

*pokes head up*

*sees the world still exists*

Huh. Look at that.

On a more serious note, having essentially dropped off the face of the earth from the perspective of almost everyone who's following me here or my works on AO3, I am alive. This was not in any great danger of changing any more than the normal (one can always get hit by a bus, for example), but it turns out I haven't been well.

My first clues probably should have been long before I found myself sleeping eighteen hours a day for 'no damn good reason,' but since there were also some extremely difficult and terrifying weeks at work and the stress that goes with it, it crept up on me.

Unlike previous times I've disappeared, it wasn't related to my mental health this time. Not that it's any better, really, because it turns out that my diabetes was creeping out of control. I wasn't monitoring the way I should have been, and I missed a doctor's appointment without rescheduling (which is terrible when you have ADHD, because fucking remembering to call someone to reschedule is damn near impossible).

Anyhow.

It turns out that chronic high blood sugar makes a person feel all sorts of crappy in vague and indistinct ways that, in and of themselves, don't really trigger a sense of 'something is wrong, I should see a doctor.' It just leaves me feeling 'bleah' and 'ugh' and unable to do anything but sleep when I stop moving.

I am so far behind on anything and everything fun. I owe everyone who has a pending comment on my works a deep and heartfelt apology. I didn't mean to disappear. I know several of you have been worried, and it turns out at least semi-rightfully so. Not that there was much any of you could do about it, which really just makes it feel worse. I apologize for any stress and worry this may have caused. I can't promise to never do it again, unfortunately, because I am:

a) human b) a human with ADHD, and c) a human who is horrible at keeping up with communication the way she should.

I want to do better; I will try to do better. I have actually managed to continue writing, albeit at an exceptionally reduced rate. That's picked up markedly in the last week or so now that my meds have been adjusted. Hopefully, it continues to pick up. However, I don't think things are quite where they need to be based on my personal blood sugar testing, but it's a strong improvement. I still don't have much energy, but when I get home after work and sit down, I only sleep for forty-five minutes to an hour, not four followed by crawling into bed for the night and still not feeling rested in the morning.

I hope to start working my way through my inbox on AO3. If you're following me here and see this before I get to your comment, hi! ♥ Know that I have read them all and they give me sparks of joy to think about, but I have been very emphatically squashing any guilt at my non-response for now. Feeling guilty is a potent anti-motivator for someone with ADHD. It makes a growing mountain that I can run away from like an Olympic sprinter, which means that the only way I will successfully get back on track is to not feel guilty or compelled, which is the opposite of how it works for many folk.

I also seem to have gotten into some fucked-up screwy mindset where my brain is telling me I have to have something ready to post (or nearly so) before I can answer comments now. Which is just... wrong. So very, very wrong. I'm working on that, too. Blood sugar fixing first, however.

Take care, everyone. I've definitely been thinking about all of you and have seriously missed having the conversations and speculations that go with successfully generating writing but also require successfully responding to comments. It's been a seriously sucky couple of months; here's hoping things improve.

♥

[lastoneout]

So my nerve pain that I was in the ER for the other day was improving but now seems to just be like, plateauing? and not really getting any better, and like when I called my shitty neurologist about it she basically just told me to take ibuprofen, and the last time I talked to her about what to do re: my opccipital nerve pain she told me to talk to my pain specialist, so like yeah calling her again seems kinda beyond pointless even if I didn't hate her.

But today I do have an appointment I forgot to cancel with my shitty pain specialist who put me in the ER back in March, and like I do NOT want to see him again AT ALL, but I also am starting to get really freaked out by this nerve pain not getting better and nothing really helping, and I know this is outside my primary's wheelhouse, and idk if the ER or urgent care are going to really be able to do much outside of make sure I'm not dying(which they already did last time I was there, they ran a bunch of tests and did a CT scan and legit said it's just my opccipital nurlasia flaring up) so I'm like....do I go and just see if there's anything he can do? Cuz like I don't trust him but I feel like I basically have no other option here and I can't keep being in pain like this forever, I have stuff to do, and the only meds that help fuck with my other meds and make me too high to function so like....

The only downside is this office is like, WAY on the other side of town, and we're broke rn and my fiance is too busy at work to take time off to give me a ride, so I just barely have enough money to get me up to the appointment, not enough to get back so I'd have to just hang out until my fiance gets off and can come get me, and I don't know that anyone can give me a ride this short notice. But this also kinda feels like my only chance to talk to a doctor about this outside of the ER and tbh I really just don't want to go to the ER again anyway....

Eugh on top of it all I think something I ate last night was a little off bcs my stomach has been bothering me all night and I feel super nauseous. I just have no idea what to do, I don't know who can help me or what's wrong or if I need to be worried, and my only option is someone who put me in the Fucking ER with his incompetence. God I feel so hopeless rn, everything was looking up for a while there and now it's falling apart and I feel so alone and confused and scared. I don't know what to do. There aren't good options.

[deadmomjokes]

oh wow I am so sorry to hear about your daughter having EOE - that sounds really rough. How do you navigate that?

At this point, with a lot of flailing.

It took 3.5 years to even get her properly diagnosed, not through lack of trying-- it's just a hard thing to differentiate, and the specialists that can actually do the test are dealing with a huge number of patients so they're always backed up. We're lucky: we live only an hour from the state children's hospital where they can do the diagnostic procedures, and it has a dedicated EOE specialty clinic that's one of the best in the country. It still takes 2 months to get an appointment as an established patient, and it took even longer to get her in on the initial referral. We're also lucky that she was able to explain to us what she was experiencing in a way that a doctor could take seriously and act on, and we're lucky that her primary care doctor did so.

But generally speaking, things suck spectacularly for pediatric EOE and GERD patients right now, at least in the US. The best medicine for treating it is omeprazole (prilosec), and there was exactly one manufacturer that made it in a suspension that small children could take. Well, that manufacturer decided it wasn't profitable enough, so they quit making it altogether. So now the next best, lansoprazole (prevacid), is on national back order for months because every child that was on the other one is now needing to switch.

So my daughter is currently on the next next best thing, because it was that or nothing, and it's just not working great for her. It keeps her from the worst of the pain, but she's back to not wanting to eat anything but bagels, one specific brand of cereal, and string cheese.

Back when she was officially diagnosed, her doctor gave us the option of going on a super dose of PPI meds, jumping straight to the steroids, or doing a full elimination diet with a nutritionist. For a kid, none of those options are great.

The PPIs reduce absorption of nutrients, which are already few and far between for a growing person with only a few tolerated foods. The steroids may have effects on a growing liver and kidneys, and also make you more prone to fungal infections and upper respiratory illnesses. Both have to be routinely dose-adjusted because the child is growing constantly, but you have to get an official weight/height check at the specialist to do so, which is always backed up. Then the elimination diet is...well, it's hard, to put it mildly, and it takes a really long time because of how delayed the reactions can be. Plus when you already don't like eating and only have a few 'safe foods', it's hard to cut back. Most people with EOE also have more than one trigger, so you have to eliminate a ton of things and hope you get them all, and you can't be on any medication while you're doing it because you have to be able to identify the point at which symptoms get better and then return.

In short, all the options suck.

We eventually decided on trying to get it under control enough with the meds to hopefully expand the foods she was willing to eat, in preparation for doing the elimination diet. It was working. Then the forced medication switch blew that all up. So we're just gonna grit our teeth and go with the elimination diet unless her specialist has another option for us.

But aside from that, it's been a lot of phone tag and appointment waiting, and a lot of readjusting the way we look at food and eating.

For her, whatever she will eat is a win. We've taken pressure off her to try new things. We still offer it, but we don't press if she's not feeling up to it. Reducing stress around the concept of trying new foods is super important, because she's already up against the stress of wondering whether it'll 'get stuck' or feel yucky or make 'the fires' worse.

We've also had to make sure we don't fall into the trap of trying to dictate how much she eats and when. Unless a meal is coming within the half hour, we let her have a snack when she's hungry-- wait too long, and she's in pain. Plus we want her to kind of train herself to respond to those hunger cues because her appetite can get so drastically reduced at times, every instance of her listening to an 'I'm hungry' is a win.

We also had to abandon the idea of the 'perfectly' balanced diet. Proteins are a struggle for her. Leafy greens are a struggle. So are other calcium containing foods like dairy and dairy alternatives. She really only likes carbs, mostly bread and fruit. But it's not like she can help it. Nobody purposefully restricts their diet just to be difficult-- a "picky eater" is someone who is struggling and needs accommodation, not judgement.

So we let her eat what she will eat, and work to find options that can get her the stuff she needs. Protein bars are a big hit with her right now, for example. A better texture than meat, they come in 'treat' flavors, and there are options that don't have all the added sugar that's gonna trigger the acid flareup. We make sure we get enriched flour and bread products so she gets at least some iron. We pick varieties that have added protein and calcium. We get juice with added vitamins and minerals. We stock the pantry with things that cater to her capabilities and needs wherever the two overlap. The goal is nutrition, whatever form that takes and whatever it looks like right now. Getting it "right" will come later. For now, we just need her to be comfortable with food and to learn how to work with her body.

This has also meant teaching her about nutrition, so we can help her take charge of her body's needs and help us think of ways to meet them. That's hard for a 3 year old, but there's a show called Storybots on Netflix, and they have a great episode on nutrition called "Why can't I eat dessert all the time?" Super accessible for kids, and has a catchy song describing macronutrient categories and why we need lots of different kinds of food, not just one kind. It was a perfect starting point, and we just kept at the explanations. Like when we would eat an apple with breakfast, we'd talk about how it has Vitamin C to help her cells be strong, fiber to help her tummy and intestines work well, and carbohydrates to help her have energy. Every time we try a new food, we talk about what's in it to help her body. That includes things like chips and cake--we're big on the concept of "all food has value, it's just some has more than others, so we eat the most of those."

So now, when she's had a "just bread" day we remind her that her body needs more than just carbs, and we can't get all our protein, fats, vitamins, and minerals from bread, so we should probably have something else too. 9 times out of 10, she'll add something to her request, like some blueberries or carrots. She might not eat a ton of it, but she tries, and that's what counts.

I know this is a mile long and probably way more than you were asking, but it's just one of those things that I have a lot to say about. I could talk all day about accessible eating and nutrition, as well as Going Off on our current medical system in the US, so if anyone has further questions, feel free to reach out.

[wild-moss-art]

hi moss! I hope you are having a good day!! I was wondering if you were willing to share how you convinced a doctor to yeet the uterus :O are you scared about having a major surgery? (I am, as always, having The Thoughts.)

<3 I hope you're having a good day too! It is a long story and kind of personal but I'm happy to share bc I know that it's really difficult to find info on, and if anyone has questions you can feel free to dm or send an ask. Gonna put the story under the cut.

First of all, I live in america and this will all sound very american lol.

In the interest of not burying the lede, my working theory is that I have endometriosis or adenomyosis; these are notoriously difficult to diagnose. Endometriosis is only diagnosable through a laparoscopic surgery and adenomyosis is literally only diagnosable through getting a hysterectomy and having the tissue biopsied. If you don't want a hysterectomy, you can't get an official diagnosis.

Now to the backstory. I think my medical history and experience advocating for myself medically had the most impact on being approved for this procedure.

I have been on hormonal birth control since I was about 13 or 14 practically as soon as I hit puberty I had debilitating periods. I was missing a lot of school and obviously this didn't look good for my parents, so I was put on the pill, and later when I was older I switched to IUDs. The birth control basically put a bandaid on the problem, and the IUD eliminated my period altogether.

Near the beginning of this year, I started to have a lot of pelvic pain that I initially thought was a UTI. I went to the doctor who kept telling me I didn't have the bacteria for a UTI, and basically sent me home with some antibiotics anyway, which didn't help. They did not test for any other problems. I ended up switching doctors due to insurance purposes, but was also put off by the care I'd received.

When I went to the next doctor, they were actually willing to run tests. This doctor and every other doctor I've seen since initially insisted I must have an STD. A panel was run, and I was fully clean for STDs. I was referred to a urogynecology specialist, as my main symptoms at this point were pain(which they do not care about- didnt even put it in my file) and difficulty urinating(this symptom I believe is the only reason I was able to get a referral to a specialist).

While I was waiting for my urogynecology appointment(they were pretty booked out), the pain got worse, like a lot worse. I was also having more and more hormonal symptoms like heavy acne. I was able to move my appointment up but ended up going to the ER. At the ER, I posted about my experience which I can link if you'd like but I'll include the relevant info. The doctor hadn't looked at my age on the file and initially DENIED testing because I was "too young". He came back later and approved it, because he actually looked at my fucking file. From this point on I've been livid and ready to fistfight every doctor Ive seen.

I was at the ER for like 10 hours and got a CT scan, which showed all the inflammation in my uterus and little in my bladder, which was when I began to realize that the bladder issue was just a symptom and not the problem. The original doctor was off duty toward the end of my visit, and the new doctor came in for briefing when she mentioned they needed to run an STD panel. I told her I'd had one about a week ago that was fully negative. She said "I need to go talk to my supervisor."

Ultimately, I was released from the ER with a prescription for extra strength ibuprofen and a referral to a gynecologist. They said my IUD was stabbing me internally, and needed to come out. They did not take it out at the ER.

At this point, it was time for my urogynecology appointment. At the appointment, I told them about my ER visit and asked if they could take my IUD out. They said they didn't really do that there, but after I showed them my CT scan results, they did it anyway. I felt a lot better, immediately. They were helpful and awesome, but said that they mostly treat bladder problems, which was clearly not what I had.

I didnt feel fully better though, because hormonal birth control keeps endometriosis and adenomyosis symptoms and pain at bay. The pain has gotten gradually worse, but it's not longer quite as sharp and stabbing. I've been doing a lot of research about these conditions thanks to a helpful tumblr mutual, and I believe I have adenomysis. I'm not sure whether I have endometriosis.

I followed up on the gynecology referral from the er; I am really happy with this clinic so far. They are the ones that offered the hysterectomy. In my initial appointment, I mentioned that I was not on birth control and wanted to be sterilized. They asked if I wanted birth control in the meantime. I said no(I believe this helped).

(as an aside. Another reason I believe I was offered what I was is that I am married. When I listed my partner as an emergency contact, they specifically mentioned that I did not take his last name. I believe this says something about our relationship to doctors. I know often they will ask for the husband's permission in this scenario; however, they did not even bring him up beyond the last name thing.)

When I met with the doctor for a tubal ligation consult, we talked a bit about the procedure and what other symptoms I was having. I also got an ultrasound that showed inflammation in my uterus(as well as a medium sized cyst on my ovary. lmao). He said the tubal ligation would not help my other symptoms. When I mentioned my CT scan, he actually left to go look at it, returned and immediately asked if I wanted kids. When I said no, he told me he could give me a hysterectomy.

We went over some details; just a hysterectomy is a pretty non invasive procedure and doesn't even require an incision. He mentioned that it may or may not fix the whole problem(it would fix adenomyosis which only affects the uterus, not endometriosis which affects other organs) but that it's pretty complicated to remove the ovaries because it's a more invasive procedure and basically I'd have to be on hormones to simulate menopause for a really long time(I'm only 27). So that is an option, but it's better to just see if the hysterectomy fixes my problems.

The surgery is in 10 days from now and I have my intake consult on tuesday. I plan to update cause again, I know not a lot of people talk about these experiences and it would have really helped me to have known more going in. I really cant wait, I've basically been bedridden, cant exercise, can't stand for long periods of time, not much at all. I'm lucky my livelihood is sitting on my couch drawing.

Finally, I believe that it is possible that they wanted to sterilize me due to my mental health history. I am in ongoing treatment for my mental health, and have particular diagnoses that I do not disclose publicly. You can message me if you'd like to know this information.

[insipid-drivel]

This is your free heads-up that, hey, if you get deja vu sometimes, it's usually completely normal and not at all harmful.

If you get deja vu on a near-daily or very chronic basis? Please talk to your doctor. Temporal lobe seizures in particular are known to give the sensation of deja vu, and a person doesn't have to lose time/consciousness and visibly have their body seize to experience a seizure.

This PSA also includes anyone who may shrug off regular bouts of "staring into space" with no sense of the passage of time or memory of what may have been going on around you. If this happens to you regularly and goes on for longer than a couple of minutes at a time, you may be having absence seizures instead of "zoning out". Absence seizures can be especially dangerous if you're working or driving, because you aren't conscious to what's going on around you during that block of time, and so you're also not doing things like controlling a large vehicle properly. Sometimes people mistake these seizures for symptoms of ADHD, which is why it's critical to have it looked into.

"I get deja vu all the time and I'm worried about what kinds of tests would be done." You'll be alright. I actually used to get deja vu as a symptom. The readmore in this post will tell you what being tested for epilepsy is like. I had juvenile epilepsy and had to get it checked on repeatedly until I got lucky and grew out of it:

I've had my brain looked at quite a bit, having had childhood epilepsy as well as DID. If you're scared of invasive testing, the vast majority of tests for epilepsy and other neurological conditions are extremely non-invasive.

You may have to have some blood work done if you haven't in the past year already. This is a normal and very common request on the part of your doctor. If you are required to get one, that's about as uncomfortable as the testing process gets. Some metabolic, autoimmune, and nutrient deficiencies can cause seizures.

Most of the time, seizures are caused by epilepsy. People can go most of their lives without knowing they're epileptic, as certain forms of epilepsy and seizures are only detectable by you in the form of phenomena. Even hearing voices or hallucinating can be typical of epilepsy, as well as feelings of euphoria, with some people even describing their seizures as feeling like being in the presence of something divine. For others, the symptoms can be more alarming, as epilepsy can present in different areas of the brain, and therefore cause different symptoms from person to person. Epilepsy can also be caused by things like brain injuries, including a concussion.

The first thing a regular doctor is going to do is ask you questions about how you've been feeling. Is your appetite normal? Are you experiencing any unusual sensations or experiences, like feeling foggy-headed or even bouts of pain. They'll examine things like your reflexes (ye olde knee-bonk-bounce test with the little rubber hammer), balance, coordination, and general awareness of things like the passage of time, and some simple memory games like repeating as many individual words the doctor says to you as you can remember.

If there are any red flags there, your doctor will refer you to a neurologist. If you live in the US, you can't just make an appointment with a neurologist most of the time unless another doctor has referred you to them. General doctors are responsible for identifying the specialty you need, while the specialists themselves tend to be so specialized that they lack a lot of the important general knowledge your regular doctor has.

The first Big Test a neurologist may subject you to is... hand-holding.

Yes, literally, hand-holding (the doctor will have gloves on). Basically, among the many simple tests for neurological issues, checking whether or not your grip-strength in both hands is relatively equal is one of them. To do it, you're just asked to hold your neurologist's hands and squeeze as tight as you can with both hands at the same time.

Then, you extend your arms with your fingers outstretched, and your neurologist will ask you to try your best to keep your arms level as they slowly push down on each of your hands until your arms begin to lower. Again, this is to check if your coordination and strength are balanced normally.

Then, you touch your nose. It kinda feels like a sobriety test, which isn't too far off from the truth. An untreated epileptic brain can sometimes result in similar nervous depression as what you experience when you drink alcohol.

Your neurologist may have flash cards with different colorful pictures on them, like a tree, a house, a moon, and the sun. They'll show you all of the cards, give you a minute or two to try to memorize them, and then take them away and ask you to tell them which cards you can remember. Be honest. There is no such thing as a wrong answer with these tests; it is impossible to fail them. If you can only remember one card or can't remember any at all, that's vital information your doctor needs.

Depending on your situation, you may also be asked to take a set of very, very simple drawings of, say, a child assembling and flying a kite. The neurologist will then shuffle those drawings out-of-order and ask you to organize them chronologically to tell a story. This is another common cognitive test that seems childish, but can be vital (and is also meant so that children can comprehend them, because kids and non-verbal autistics sometimes need to get tested, too!)

The Big Test? Is called an EEG. An EEG is such an easy test that you're required to do it in your sleep. However, you may want to invest in stuff that's good at removing stuff like hair cement.

To begin with, you'll be called into a room that will have a big, noisy ventilation system set up in it. You may want to bring earbuds with you in order to block out the noise. This is also the lengthiest (and tedious) part.

See, in order to detect erratic brain activity (including seizures, night terrors, and sometimes sleep paralysis), a neurologist has to use a body-safe, long-lasting, ultra-tough glue to adhere small electrodes to your scalp. If you wear a weave, you're going to have to spend at least 24 hours without it. Depending on the style you wear, protective hairstyles like box braids may have to be undone, as the electrodes need to be able to touch your scalp with as little hair in the way as possible. Your neurologist will tell you if you need to do anything special with your hair before it's electrode-time.

The electrode-gluing process takes a while. For me, it took anywhere between 30-45 minutes or more depending upon the neurologist. The noisy ventilation system that will likely be in the room with you (mine looked like there was a jet turbine by my head) will come in handy in spite of the noise because the glue they use stinks to high hell - kind of like a mix between acetone and hair bleach. The vent will keep you and the doctor from gagging. Once the glue is dry, it's completely odorless.

The sensation is usually just like cold drops of hair gel on your scalp. There is absolutely no pain, and you get to sit back in a recliner or lie down entirely for the duration. You're asked to relax and occasionally turn your head so the doctor can see where they're gluing. There will be wires running down from the electrodes, so be careful not to yank on them (mostly because it hurts if you catch a wire and it yanks on the glue; it's very tough stuff). The wires attach to a receiver that will be attached to your clothes, like the waist your pants.

If you happen to accidentally drop an electrode or pull one out, write down the time and date that it happened and call your neurologist. It's not always necessary to go in and re-attach a single loose electrode, but it is crucial to note when it came loose so it doesn't mess with your test results and the person analyzing the data knows the lost electrode wasn't something weird happening in your brain.

Then you go home and have a regular day and go to bed. The data the doctor needs literally collects itself. After a day or two depending on the doctor's orders, you'll have your electrodes (but not the glue) removed and hear back. For me, it was about 2 weeks of waiting for results.

If you are stuck with the Glue of Doom, don't be an idiot like me and try to just get it out with determination, a comb, and regular conditioner. Treat it like bubblegum and apply oil like baby oil, olive oil, or coconut oil to the glue-spots. Massage the oil in and let it sit for a while, and then gently pick at the glue with a comb or toothbrush until it starts to come free. It can take a ridiculously long time to take out. I recommend running yourself a bath and bringing something like a laptop in with you so you can watch a movie while you clean your scalp up.

You may be asked for an MRI or CAT scan. An MRI is completely painless and non-invasive, and a lot of labs have special headphones you can wear while the test is going on so you can listen to music, as well as listen to the technicians if they have instructions or questions for you. A CT/CAT scan can be done with or without contrast dye. The version with dye does mean you'll need an IV, but allergic reactions are very rare to contrast dye and technicians are always prepared to stop a reaction in its tracks. As for the dye itself:

You will be able to smell/taste it. To me, it smelled and tasted like the smell of an old-fashioned pencil sharpener, which wasn't gross. It was just vaguely woody and metallic. The sensation goes away after an hour or two.*

*If you are AFAB and have a vulva, the dye can make you feel anywhere from strangely turned on and relaxed, to feeling like you've abruptly started to pee your pants without actually doing it. No, the technicians have no idea why people with vaginas feel the dye that way, aside from guessing that the amount of mucous membranes down there may make you more sensitive to the presence of the dye in your bloodstream. It feels very warm, and to my experience and those of everyone I've met that's had a contrast CT, doesn't feel at all unpleasant. For example, my mother will ask any neurologist she happens to encounter for a free hit of contrast dye just because she likes how it feels. Even when the appointments were for me.

A contrast CT isn't likely to be necessary, however, as they're mostly used for body scans. You're more likely to get a CT scan in order to test for signs of stuff like making sure any internal sutures you may have been given after surgery are holding strong.

Aside from the dye, the most annoying thing about a CT scan is having to periodically hold your breath for a few seconds at a time so the picture comes out clear. Sometimes you may have to hold your arms upward in the air and out of the way of the scanner. That's about it.

"What if I'm diagnosed with epilepsy?" Please, please, please don't hide from treatment after diagnosis. Epilepsy and epileptic seizures destroy your brain and can kill. There are a wide variety of medications that stop seizures and double as anxiety meds, and so your neurologist can seriously help dial-in the right medication that suits you without causing you discomfort or negative side-effects.

Then, consider reaching out to someone like a therapist. Sometimes a diagnosis like epilepsy and adapting to the medications that treat it can be hard to fully reckon with, and there are a variety of therapists out there that specifically specialize in helping you cope with stuff like a major diagnosis. Additionally, communicating with a therapist and your neurologist can help identify what can agitate your epilepsy. Some people can't look at flashing lights, while others can have sensitivities to things like sound, or even how hot it is. My half-sister is also epileptic, and was diagnosed after she collapsed and seized because she'd been sweating outside on a very hot summer day on a family vacation.