#i need a therapist for this and my childhood rooted abandonment issues

[birdsofash]

Look, I adore spy x family and love watching it and would highly recommend it

but it is it's own brand of heartbreakingly painful to watch if you've recently admitted to yourself that although you desperately love and want kids, there's very little chance you will (or should) ever have them and are learning to live with that

[compassionatereminders]

So, earlier I got into a fight with my sister. The details aren't important, but it was pretty bad.

Later, after we had both stormed off, she sends me a very, very long text. Talking about how much I hurt her. But also, she was making really, really cruel remarks comparing me to our abusive parents. I did fuck up and was an asshole during the argument, but I felt really really hurt that she thought I was as bad as them.

After I made my most genuine apology, because I did actually cause a genuine c-ptsd induced panic attack. I felt like absolute shit and still do. But I did hold onto some of the anger from her making those cruel remarks.

She rejected my apology, and sent another text talking about how she thought I was the only person she could trust, and that I had just completely shattered her perception of me and now she knows "[I'm] just like everyone else".

This is when I started to think: Hm. This doesn't feel like typical c-ptsd, I would know since we both had the same shit childhood.

I remember reading about BPD, so I look into it. I was already aware that "personality disorder = inherently abusive" is incredibly ableist and untrue, so I clicked away from anything that presented that narrative.

As for the rest? Oof, that sounds exactly like my sister. And then I remember my aunt has BPD.

I'm not one to armchair diagnose someone, even if it is the person I've practically been stuck to the hip with since her birth, and the only person she shares everything with, including confiding in me her intense fear of abandonment and other things that don't necessarily confirm BPD in a vacuum but are potentially indicative of it.

My point is: Although I think it's extremely likely I won't decide to prematurely label her as that until I have a long heart to heart with her about my concern and gently suggest she bring it up with her therapist (who has been good for her so far, thankfully!).

The other point I want to make is that... regardless of if she has it or not, I'm going to stick by her no matter what. She's been so deeply depressed and miserable for the last 6+ years and I felt like I had exhausted all ways I had previously learned about mental illnesses to support her. Medication, therapy, lots of loving support from friends and family... nothing changed. And I began to suspect there's a root issue that we simply haven't uncovered.

If it is what I suspect it is, then I can learn how to properly support her. If it's not, I'll help her in her search for the root issue. I refuse to leave her side in this no matter what involuntarily cruel things she says, because I know it's not something she can control.

I don't want to become like my mom and aunt, who like my sister and I, once upon a time were best friends but now don't talk to each other because my aunt has... well, many of the exact same problems as my sister, and never managed to manage it, plus my mom not understanding her sister, now they're middle aged and are no contact.

I don't want to even think about a world where that happens to me and my sister. Things have been tense with us recently, more than usual. It scares me. She's my best friend. The person I trust most. I love her and want to see her happy.

Sorry this is so long. It's been an emotional night and I'm kinda stoned and I'm very tired which makes me rambly. What's the point of this all? IDK, I just had a lot of thoughts and needed an outlet in what I feel is a safe space to let out my thoughts. But, advice is also completely welcome

This is of course a nuanced and complicated situation where both of you are deeply traumatized regardless of exact diagnosis, which always makes relationships harder than they should be. And while it is great that you are mature enough to step back and apologize when you mess up in some capacity, this does not make it okay for her to throw endless accusations and blame in your direction. Because healing from trauma together is a two-way street, and if only one part is able to apologize and recognize mistakes, it won't work out. And it shouldn't honestly, because one thing is conflict, fuck ups and incidents, but a recurrent pattern of zero accountability is a whole other beast. Wanting to stick by her and figure this out with her even though it's a struggle is a valuable and very compassionate choice, and I really hope it works out - it just shouldn't come with zero conditions indefinitely. You get to expect growth and accountability too.

[soulsilv]

CRINGE RANT ALERT‼️TURN BACK NOW‼️

What I love so much about these characters (pokemon btw) is just how many iterations of them there can be between different people. When I say “iterations” I mean in the sense that, at least when it comes to protagonists, practically every person has their own distinct take on them as a character and their relation to the story and other characters. Like for example I HC Lyra being the champion of Johto, and another person (the majority of ppl probably) HC Ethan as the champion. I know that Lyra and Kris being related was a popular HC at one point (a HC that I also share). It goes on and on.

Anyways I wanted to make this post because I really wanted to ramble about the made up nuances and headcanons that I gave to Lyra and Silver in my head lol. I also can’t help but view them more as “muses” of inspiration—I find myself creating or thinking of stories generally unrelated to pokemon entirely when it comes to them at this point. It’s more about wanting to tell the story about them and what their interactions spark and what other interesting messages can be explored through them in different contexts—like they’re the channel for me to explore stories creatively in that way.

I think most Silver fans are aware of his issues so I won’t go into detail on him (no promises), which is why I wanted to talk more about Lyra, and interesting aspects of her character (that I made up lol).

I think with Silver being the way he is, it’s interesting to have someone close to him practically be a foil of him. I picture Lyra having perhaps “clingy�� tendencies—not often but it’s there. This contrasts Silver’s flighty tendencies. Lyra is bubbly, (usually) self assured, while Silver is standoffish, and deep down has quite poor self esteem (pokemas practically confirms this). Lyra has a savior complex, and Silver has abandonment issues (these aren’t necessarily foils in this case, but I view these aspects of their characters to be their biggest social/psychological obstacles for their growth).

I remember when I was first thinking more deeply about these characters (years ago at this point) and their characterization, I pictured Lyra as constantly being emotionally aware of herself and others. But there is nothing human about that. That also falls into the “therapist partner” trope to me, where it’s just Lyra fixing all of Silver’s problems which 1) is kind of boring if Silver doesn’t help himself through that and 2) unrealistic and borderline unhealthy for both of them lol

Anyways, that’s where the exploration of Lyra having a savior complex stems from. She isn’t emotionally aware of everyone constantly, let alone herself. She doesn’t understand why she needs to feel needed in some way in order to matter to people or herself. She maybe doesn’t even interpret herself as having a savior complex until it’s explicitly pointed out to her by Ethan maybe or if she says/thinks something that was previously so deeply rooted in her psyche that she just can’t even deny it at that point.

I think what keeps her savior complex from bubbling up and making itself explicitly known to her for so long is due to the fact that she is such a successful trainer (in the pokemon universe in this case). She is constantly praised for the truly hard workload she’s been bearing since childhood—she is adored by the public.

It’s Silver that triggers it to the breaking point.

Silver is such an enigma to Lyra for a multitude of reasons—they’re so completely different, and she has no idea where he came from or… why he is the way that he is.

It’s her desire to know him and understand him that I think ultimately brings them closer—as rivals, then friends. But it isn’t all one-way; I feel that Silver wouldn’t exactly let on, but there are things about Lyra that he questions or wonders greatly about as well. What is it that motivates her?

Anyways, despite knowing each other for years, there’s a certain barrier in him that Lyra is just unable to crack. And I think the biggest problem is Silver’s fear of vulnerability and his abandonment issues. If he doesn’t let anyone in then it can’t hurt when they leave (but that’s total bunk, even though he refuses to acknowledge it). This push and pull is what drives Lyra even further towards being The One™️ to get through to him—because in some twisted sense she would feel useful or necessary to Silver if he finally opened up to her about himself. She would feel warranted.

And I think it would culminate into a big moment between the two of them—a tipping point.

Anyways rant over I’m tired lol

[sonofnjobu]

Have Mercy

Description: Mercy Hodges is the daughter of an international con man and the ex-girlfriend of Black Ops Soldier Erik “Killmonger” Stevens. Tangled up with people like that, things were bound to go wrong. 

CW: Abduction and violence

Mercy is a Black woman. If you enjoy my writing, please comment and reblog.

--

Part 1: 

“So what I’m hearing is that once you no longer need your father’s financial support, you’ll cut contact with him. Is that right?” the woman on the screen asked. 

Mercy Hodges took a deep breath and searched her mind for the most honest answer. She struggled to find it, as half of her mind was distracted by trying not to cry. There was something even more embarrassing about crying during an online therapy session than an in person one. 

“I think,” Mercy began, hoping that if she just started talking that the answer would just come out on its own. “Yeah… I think so. Every interaction I have with him is more stress than it’s worth. The man owes me half a million in child support, but all I want is for him to help me pay for three years of grad school. Once I’m on my feet, I could easily never talk to him again.”

Mercy felt her cheeks get hot and tears threaten the edges of her vision. Her relationship with her father was tense to put it lightly. He’d never truly been around, and she hadn’t seen him in person in at least eight years. Despite a lifetime of disappointment, she still held on to some childhood hope that her father actually cared and would deliver on his promises. Her mother had told her not to hold her breath and to keep hustling. 

“I’m not even money motivated!” Mercy proclaimed. “I never have been. I just don’t want to be drowning in student debt while he and his other family live in a marble lined McMansion and travel all over the world. You’d think he’d back the winning team at least... I’m going to one of the best law schools in the country! What the fuck?”

Mercy glanced back at the screen and was met with the ever understanding face of her therapist, a honey skinned, loc having, tattooed Black woman named Layla. Sometimes Mercy struggled to remember that Layla was her therapist and not her friend. Mercy stopped talking abruptly, suddenly feeling like she’d said too much.

“Unfortunately, Mercy, we’re out of time,” Layla informed her. “But I want to revisit this next week. You’re making great progress.”

Mercy thanked her with an awkward smile and logged out of the platform as quickly as possible. It was embarrassing to still have “daddy issues” at twenty six years old. She had wanted to talk about something normal, like her coursework, or her recent breakup with her ex Erik, but Layla was an expert at digging deep to the root of what she was hiding, even when Mercy wasn’t expecting it.

“Ugh, god!” Mercy groaned leaning back in her chair and staring at the ceiling. Stirring up all of her abandonment issues always left her feeling at a loss for what to do. The old wound her absent father left had recently been ripped open when her boyfriend Erik Stevens dumped her out of nowhere. 

Here she was, thinking she was about to be elevated from girlfriend to fiancée, when Erik suddenly packed up his things, said his job made it unsafe for him to have her in his life, and left without another word. 

The excuse was new, but the feeling of being left behind was familiar. She deserved her chance to express how she felt, but Erik’s phone went straight to voicemail. So Mercy found herself aiming her anger at her father, calling him up and trying to appeal to him to help her pay for graduate school, or contribute to her life at all. Unsurprisingly, he refused. 

And such was the cycle. 

“Men aint shit,” she grumbled. “Why am I even surprised?”

She jumped when she felt a ghosting of fur against her leg, and looked down to find her nineteen year old cat Rumplestiltskin lightly tapping her thigh with his paw. Mercy hoisted him up, careful to support his old body and clutched him to her chest. 

“Not you, Rumple. You’re the only man I need, huh?” she cooed before kissing his forehead. He began to purr and flexed his toes, digging his claws into Mercy a bit. They sat there like that for a few minutes before she stood, carrying Rumplestiltskin with her.

“Well, shall we make this stereotype a trifecta?” she proposed. “Jaded, single twenty six year old with daddy issues and a cat. Let’s add some ice cream in which to drown our sorrows.”

Mercy padded to the kitchen, gingerly placing the cat on the living room couch on the way. At the fridge, she clicked on her phone to google “can cats have ice cream?” but found herself on Erik’s instagram profile instead. She bit her lip and tapped her foot absentmindedly, searching for any sign of activity since their breakup. But his profile was quiet. No stories, no posts for the last two weeks. She hadn’t been blocked anywhere, but it seemed like he’d just gone off the grid.

She knew Erik’s job with the government was dangerous but he rarely shared details with her. At times, he’d be gone for months at a time, and spoke nothing of it when he returned. Every now and then, however, he’d teach her how to get out of different restraints or how to profile a bad guy.

“Or maybe I’m the bad guy,” he’d say and pounce on her, peppering her with kisses.  

Maybe he was telling her the truth when he said he was leaving her to protect her. But that didn’t hurt any less.

Mercy suddenly realized she had been standing in front of the open freezer the entire time and shut the door, Ben and Jerry’s in hand. She skipped getting a bowl. She fully planned on eating the entire pint. 

“Sorry, buddy,” she lamented as Rumplestiltskin’s nose began to twitch in interest. “Turns out kitties shouldn’t eat ice cream. It’s not good for you. And before you say anything, yes, I know it’s not good for me either.”

The tabby stared back at her with lamp like eyes. 

“Fuck it. You’re an old man. You’ve earned it. Live your best life.” Mercy carefully carved out a single spoonful of vanilla ice cream and placed it on a saucer. She really had the most patient and docile cat in the world. Rumplestilskin lapped happily at the treat as Mercy sunk into her side of the couch.

Well… what used to be her side of the couch. The loveseat seemed suddenly much larger now that Erik wasn’t on the other side, smiling at her… Rumple purring contentedly between them. 

She missed him. Mercy often caught herself going to tell him something exciting or text him a meme she found funny, forgetting that he was no longer there. At least she could pass off those few slip ups of talking to someone who wasn’t there as talking to the cat. 

Mercy tried to focus on the episode of Queer Eye she was watching, but her eyes kept drifting back to her phone. She kept refreshing Erik’s pages like something new would appear.

“This is embarrassing,” she said under her breath. “Stop it.” 

Rumplestiltskin had fallen asleep, his salt and pepper paws twitching as he dreamt. He had the right idea. It was best to just pack it in and go to bed rather than torture herself all night.

Mercy unfolded her legs slowly, taking care not to disturb the sleeping feline next to her and made her way to bed. She wrapped her hair in silk, threw on an oversized t-shirt and panties, and slipped in between her sheets. She spread out across the mattress. One of the few good things about being single was that she now had free reign over the entire bed. She also didn’t have to wear earplugs anymore because no one was snoring next to her, save for the small rumble from Rumple who seemed to have teleported from the couch to the bed and went right back to dreaming. 

Mercy closed her eyes and drifted off easily. It wasn’t all bad.

--

A few hours later, Mercy awoke with a start. Her room was pitch black, save for the alarm clock shining “3:23 AM” on the nightstand. She had awoken with the distinct feeling that someone was in her apartment, but all she could hear was her heart beat thundering. She didn’t move, but took a few deep breaths to deliberately slow her heart. It was probably a nightmare, but if she wanted to be sure, she needed to be as quiet as possible and listen intently. When the blood rushing in her ears slowed, she heard an unfamiliar sound that shot her heart rate right back up.

Rumplestiltskin was growling. 

He didn’t growl. He’d never made a mean sound in his life. 

The noise was syncopated with hisses. Mercy searched for him with her eyes in the darkness, still not daring to move. It sounded as though he was just outside of the bedroom. It was only when Rumple escalated to a distressed yowl that Mercy jumped up. She had no plan, but her first thought was to defend her cat.

She ran out of the bedroom and multiple hands grabbed her. Mercy screamed and a hand came across her mouth to stifle her. She bit down on a stray finger.

“Ah! Bitch!” 

Something hit her on the back of the head, hard. The dark room was suddenly bright white with black spots as her brain tried to process the blow. She flailed and stumbled as a bag was placed over her head and she was forced towards the front door.

Suddenly, a voice, clear as day said in her ear, “Fight like hell.”

It was Erik’s voice. 

Mercy didn’t question it. She gathered all of her strength and kicked out of one person’s grasp. She heard them fall back into an end table, sending a lamp careening to the floor. Mercy took her free hand and clawed at another’s face.

“Get DNA under your fingernails,” Erik instructed again. “Resist. Scream.”

“SOMEONE HELP ME!” Mercy screamed, hoping her neighbors in the apartment building would hear her. “HELP!”

The person she clawed released her as blood poured down their face. Mercy reached to rip the bag from her head, but someone grabbed her from behind. She bent at the waist and threw all of her weight forward, sending that assailant tipping over her back and into the couch. She stumbled too, one knee touching the floor. 

She finally got the bag off and looked up to see her attackers when another heavy blow struck her in the head and she passed out. 

 __

[Part 2]

[Masterlist]

[danganronpa-21]

No relationship is perfect, even fictional ones (no matter how much we want that to be untrue). What are the worst fights each of your couples have gotten into? For Byakuya and Aoi, what was the worst parent-child fight?

Your question pains me, but I shall answer.

ALSO, TW:  Parental Abuse Mentions in Naegiri’s and Kuzupeko’s . Please don’t subject yourself to this if you think it will trigger bad memories or harmful feelings. It is absolutely the last thing I would want for you. Stay safe, and remember to reach out if you find yourself in a position with harmful thoughts or feelings. You don’t deserve to go through anything alone, and you shouldn’t.

NAEGIRI: 

**Note: This one in particular is based a lot in headcanon. If you feel differently, that’s totally okay.

These two are a complicated situation. They are deeply in love, but one of their worst fights was actually a series of fights. They all just pertained to one big issue: their engagement to one another. 

See, Makoto asked Kyoko to marry him and she very enthusiastically said yes, but they failed to consider another party who felt that they had to be consulted on it. And that third party is Kyoko’s grandfather, Fuhito. Now, there was no way that he was letting this slide — He had kept Kyoko from having any meaningful relationships outside of her work for the most part, and he’d met Makoto. He thought that Makoto was the one putting all of these ideas in Kyoko’s head that Fuhito himself didn’t agree with. He had actually told Kyoko a few times to break it off with Makoto for the sake of her legacy and career, but she had stubbornly refused. So when Kyoko announced her intent to marry him… well, Fuhito was furious. To the point where he actually disowned Kyoko in the middle of her engagement party.

Now, considering that in my personal headcanon, Kyoko has abandonment issues (stemming from the fact that Jin, her mother, her godfather/uncle, and most likely Yui all ‘abandoned’ her in one way or another), this affected her very deeply. Since Fuhito was the one who cared for ever since she was young, and the only stable figure in her life that stayed around for awhile… She actually wanted him to take her back, but wanted to do so without giving up Makoto. As this was occurring and Kyoko was venting out her frustrations, Makoto slowly grew to realize that Fuhito was... not a good parent. She told him tales of being forced to fight for his affection, of being shamed when she failed, of being disallowed privacy and relationships, of being shown conditional love, and of being used to get back at her father. Even Fuhito’s policies on Kyoko’s emotions struck him as totally off. He grew concerned that she’d been groomed into thinking that he was the person who had cared for her before anyone else, and so she revered him.

This is what made the two of them start fighting. Kyoko was trying to get Fuhito back, and he just wasn’t budging. Meanwhile, Makoto was trying to convince her that she shouldn’t be going back to him at all. The differing opinions led to quite a spat between them, as Makoto didn’t want to force her to do anything but didn’t want her to go back to someone who was clearly bad for her. Kyoko, on the other hand, understood Makoto’s side of things but still found herself rooted in her emotions. She spent a lot of time fighting with herself, knowing that Fuhito was bad for her, but still feeling like she should go back to her relationship with him. This ended up manifesting her relationship with Makoto, and it got so bad that she actually called off their engagement once or twice as she tried to figure things out. Thankfully, they did get back together, but they remember it as a pretty harsh time in their relationship.

KUZUPEKO:

If the fight started with someone, just putting it out there: it probably started with Fuyuhiko. He’s the more confrontational of the two, more prone to stirring up trouble if he’s not careful. And he wasn’t. Their biggest argument probably started a couple months into the two of them sort of having a flirtationship. If you can recall, the two of them originally agreed to not officially start dating until Peko could get herself into a position where she wasn’t so reliant on this idea that she was Fuyuhiko’s tool and nothing else. I think her struggle to abandon this idea was why the two of them started fighting in the first place. They were probably taking a walk together, having a pleasant conversation, when Peko brings it up without thinking. At this point it’s almost like reflex to her, saying she’s happy to walk with Fuyuhiko if it’s “what her master needs from her”. This probably isn’t the first time it’s happened in their little walks, and I think that’s what sets Fuyuhiko off.

Has Peko been getting better with this kind of thing? Of course. He’s impressed with the progress she’s made so far. But so often, she still keeps regressing to treating him like her master, and it’s begun to get under his skin in ways he can’t describe. In this particular moment he feels himself losing a bit of patience with her, and without thinking about the repercussions of having done so, he snaps at her. It takes Peko entirely by surprise, and for a moment, she’s not sure how she’s going to react... but then the hurt comes bubbling up before she can stop it.

All of these words come tumbling out of her mouth before she can stop them, reminding Fuyuhiko that it was for him that she became a tool, and that it was his parents that pushed her to be that way. She asks how he can dare shout at her for not doing a good enough to job to fix the problem that his parents caused. I’ll let anyone reading this decide whether or not she starts to tear up at the mere suggestion that this is somehow her fault.

And while Fuyuhiko cannot stand to see Peko so upset, there’s a part of him that’s hurt, too. How could Peko suggest that he would ever want that for her? The hurt from her words comes flaring up before he can stop it, and he asks her whether she’s felt this way their whole lives. Peko narrowly avoids the question, and to Fuyuhiko, that’s the only answer he needs. He leaves without another word — well, almost without another word. When Peko asks where he’s going, he promptly tells her to leave him alone from there on out.

And that’s where they leave it that night. From then on, it’s a series of horrible silences between the two of them whenever they’re together. Their friends repeatedly try to repair their relationship as Peko’s search for her own identity goes on, but they are unable to get the two to reconcile for at least a week. Peko wishes to reconcile with Fuyuhiko but feels like she doesn’t know how to, so she enlists a team of friends to help her out. Her little team consists of Mahiru, Ibuki, and Sonia — the girls who are usually most gung ho about helping her out with the whole identity thing. They devise a proper way for Peko to disclose her feelings and explain herself, without hurting Fuyuhiko’s feelings further. Meanwhile, Fuyuhiko is interested in fixing things too, but... he’s a little too stuck in his own feelings to figure out how he’s going to do it.

So to help him figure things out, Hajime puts on his therapist hat and sits Fuyuhiko down to talk about his feelings. They spend hours detailing his childhood with Peko and how their relationship came to be what it is. Hajime helps him work through his side of things, and then, when he’s calm enough, they work through Peko’s side — and Fuyuhiko is reminded why she might feel the way that she does. Extra care is taken to explain to him why she might feel like that, and slowly but surely, Fuyuhiko relaxes and realizes that he made a mistake. After calming down and coming up with apologies, the two are able to talk it out and end up feeling a lot better... but it’s still the most that they’ve ever hurt each other.

SONDAM:

Honestly, I don’t think Sonia and Gundham are big fighters. Like I know every couple fights and it’s totally natural, but I don’t think that they probably fight all that much. When they do fight, though, I imagine that it gets heavy. They can both be skilled at shouting and make everything awkward for everyone else by doing that.

The subject of their biggest argument, though, would probably be the whole “can we get together” argument that’s born mostly of caution and sadness, rather than actual anger. Per someone’s writing request, I did write about this (https://danganronpa-21.tumblr.com/post/613213832365670400/if-i-may-intrude-upon-this-event-could-i-have-a), but a short explanation would be that the two of them get into an argument over whether they can actually be together. They are mutually in love with each other, but due to Gundham’s perception of his demon blood, he refuses to put Sonia in that kind of danger.

And in spite of me having written it, I imagine the argument spans beyond the written one. Sonia likely was not ready to let things end the way they did, and attempted to persist with the relationship talks. Gundham, on the other hand, was persistent in his attempt at resisting. Several times they tried to sit down and have a discussion about each other’s side of things, but it always ended up being very emotional with both of them insisting upon their respective sides. Sonia would end up teary-eyed, promising Gundham that she didn’t care about what dangers it could present, and that she wanted him to at least try to be with her. On Gundham’s side, he’s adamant that she silence her feelings for him because no matter what, he’s convinced that he will hurt her. He’s convinced a close relationship with her will only put her through intense pain. He cares too much for her to risk it.

And that’s where their friends come in. After watching them have their heartbreaking back and forth, they try to devise a plan to convince Gundham that the relationship is safe to pursue. After all, they both want to be together. It’s just that Gundham’s demon blood makes him worry that he simply can’t be with Sonia. So what do they do? Put Mikan on the case. She’s a nurse, and thus has a convincing understanding of anatomy. If they can show her how to act convincingly enough, they know they’d be able to persuade Gundham to give a relationship with Sonia a chance.

So that’s exactly what they do. Since Mikan had already done blood tests on all of them in the past to get their results (in case of a need for it) and to ensure that they were all healthy after being Remnants, all she had to do was open up Gundham’s files and try to convince him with some technical jargon. Which is what she ended up doing, claiming that she had done some advanced tests on his blood which did equate them to being half demon and half angel, but that they had come back with a muddled result -- one that indicated that Gundham might have some semblance of control over who would be able to touch him. She claimed that should he wish it, it would be possible for him to safely come in contact with Sonia and any of his other friends, so long as he trusted them enough. 

And that big fight? It was over from there. As soon as Mikan had them both convinced, that was where it ended.

YASUKANON:

I think the really big thing that Yasuhiro and Kanon ever get into a fight about is when Kanon gets pregnant with their first child, Leon. While her announcing her pregnancy and their engagement were a happy moment that coincided with all kinds of glee, actually preparing for marriage and family life is something entirely different for them. Though they do have Hiroko around to guide them and help them avoid the same mistakes she and her ex made... It’s still really, really hard for them.

I think what they get into a fight about is each other’s behaviours. While the pair love each other very much, I imagine going into marriage and motherhood, Kanon starts to get concerned with Yasuhiro’s more... childish approaches to life. She worries about whether or not they rushed into this, and whether or not they’re ready to have a child together. The more she looks at their life together, she starts to notice that maybe they’re not, and greatly questions what they are getting themselves into. Yasuhiro, on the other hand, doesn’t see any of what they currently have going as a problem. He’s under the impression that everything is in place, and that they’ve set themselves up to have a perfect life. I imagine this is probably a product of their conflicting upbringings. Kanon’s family was wealthy and her parents were able to cater to her in many different ways, so her home with Yasuhiro and her being in college at the time didn’t seem like much. Not including Hiroko’s income, they only have what Yasuhiro gets from his job at Hope’s Peak — at this point, Kanon would be doing post-Tragedy college, so most of her energy would be focused on school. The two of them really hadn’t even been together that long when Yasuhiro proposed, either, versus what Kanon knew love to be growing up. It’s a constrast to what she knows, but similar to what Yasuhiro grew up with — maybe even better! So he doesn’t see why it’s a big deal.

Unfortunately, this comes across to Kanon as “not taking their situation seriously”. And while she’s not so insecure in her relationship with Yasuhiro as to accuse him of actually not caring, she is deeply worried that he doesn’t realize the gravity of their situation. That general anxiety manifests into a sort of accusatory behaviour, which starts the fight with Yasuhiro. When she starts throwing out the idea that he doesn’t care about their situation in the way that he should, his feelings are pretty hurt. He loves Kanon, and he already loves their baby, so he doesn’t understand why she would ever think that he doesn’t care. So the two of them end up in an argument about Yasuhiro not caring and Kanon not understanding that this is just how he cares.

It eventually ends when the two decide to break off the argument and take some time alone. Hiroko ends up sitting down to talk with Kanon and explain things. Sort of telling her tales of what life was like when her son was growing up, and why he might not think their current status is such a big deal. Furthermore, she pledges her support to the couple and ensures her that she, too, wants to help take care of her grandchild.

“I’ll teach you two to be independent, but I don’t mind helping you out a little bit so you can stay on your feet while you’re learning.”

After that conversation, Kanon would eventually go apologize to Yasuhiro for the way she acted. She’d assure him that she didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, and that she was really just scared because she’d never been in this position before. Yasuhiro would accept the apology, and apologize too for making her think that he’s unreliable. They promise to be as reliable as possible to each other from there on out, and foster a good home life for their future child.

AOI AND SAKURA:

Coming up with something for Aoi and Sakura to fight about is... hard. They’re both kind and cheerful people, and they really do get along well. I think the subject of their worst argument was absolutely someone that Aoi was dating.

Now, Sakura’s not usually rude about the people Aoi dates. She just wants her mother to be happy, and as long as the person treats her well, she doesn’t mind.

However, this would be one of the situations in which Sakura finds that this person isn’t treating her mother properly. And unfortunately, it’s in a way that isn’t noticeable to Aoi. This partner is a guy I’m just going to call Kenzou, for the sake of giving a name. In Aoi’s presence, I’d think he comes across as a charming guy. He claims to think that Aoi’s a real catch, but doesn’t treat her as such. He’s such a smooth talker that a lot of the shadier stuff he does tends to go right over other people’s heads, but it never goes over Sakura’s.

Kenzou absolutely plays mind games with Aoi. Pushing her to spend less time with her friends and her daughter and more time with him, breaking up with her over little things and then rushing to get back together with her the next day, and probably even bringing other women around to make her jealous. She ends up so convinced by the good times the two of them end up having together that she doesn’t consider the bad to be that big of a deal. Thus, she ends up getting kind of defensive when Sakura suggests that Kenzou might not be the right guy.

Aoi wonders why her daughter would tell her something like this, assuming that maybe she’s just not comfortable with the idea of her mother dating someone so seriously. Rather than being upset with her initially, she sits her daughter down and has a discussion with her about Kenzou. She tries to calmly talk to her about how she feels, but Sakura only ends up more upset. She ends up insisting that her mother doesn’t get it, for she’s actually upset about the way Kenzou treats her. Sakura gives her best attempt at explaining why she thinks Kenzou is a bad fit, but Aoi ends up hurt and they argue briefly.

The only reason why it’s a brief argument is because Sakura chooses to just shut it down, resulting in a tense evening between the two of them with limited words and interactions. Before bed that night, Aoi attempts to reconcile with her daughter, but Sakura is unwilling to hear it. It’s unusual for her to be so stubborn on something, so honestly, it does make her mother worry. Aoi sleeps really poorly that night; she can’t stop thinking about what Sakura told her. Come the morning, she calls up Kenzou to meet him for coffee, and dumps him.

When she returns home to tell Sakura what happened, Sakura is initially rather apologetic about “making her break up with her significant other”. Aoi immediately dismisses the thought, giving her daughter a big hug and thanking her for looking out for her. She then apologizes for not listening initially, promising to take her concerns about her partners seriously from there on out.

BYAKUYA AND JUNICHI:

Their biggest fight is definitely an identity fight. About who Byakuya thinks Junichi should be, versus who Junichi wants to be. The fight doesn’t end up going exceptionally far because Junichi still finds himself bound by Byakuya’s expectations, but also because he’s only nine. He’s unfortunately pushed through the expectations and demands of his father as he isn’t old enough to “know better”.

It starts with Junichi doing poorly on a task Byakuya assigned him as apart of his son’s “personal studies”. And when I say doing poorly, I mean totally screwing up. Like little Junichi just bombs it. Can anybody really blame him? He’s nine years old. He’s not prepared for this kind of thing yet. Of course, Byakuya doesn’t see it that way. He has high expectations for his only son.

This leads them to start arguing about whether or not Junichi is trying hard enough with his studies and if he’s fit to be the Togami heir since he apparently “doesn’t care about his studies”. Naturally, Junichi is angered by his father’s suggestion that he doesn’t care. After all, his whole life he’s tried to do everything he can to please his father, including throwing away or hiding certain parts of himself that he might want to embrace. He’s done all of that in favour of being the perfect heir that his father wants; only for Byakuya to suggest that he doesn’t really care and doesn’t want it that bad. The mere idea is so infuriating for Junichi that he just up and refuses to speak to Byakuya for three days. 

It’s a frustrating three days for the two of them for sure. Byakuya continues to try and lecture his son about taking his responsibility seriously, about not acting so childish, and about not respecting his elders... yet to no one’s surprise, the speeches don’t sink in. Junichi keeps right on ignoring his father for what he accused him of, and furthermore actively refusing to do any of the things his father expects of him. All expectations are thrown out the window, and god it kills Byakuya. Here he is, with his one and only shot at having an heir, and he’s beginning to realize that he’s completely ruining it -- not only just from a Conglomerate standpoint, but from a fatherly standpoint. At the rate he’s going, he’s certain that the boy is going to grow up to hate him. He knows he’s going to have to do something.

And honestly? Given that this is a reoccurring issue with the two of them, I’ll admit that I don’t think that they ever solved it entirely. But I absolutely believe Byakuya was able to stop Junichi and apologize for accusing him of not caring, and explaining that he was putting pressure on him because that’s how he was raised. Given that he had to try and beat his other siblings, Byakuya had the responsibility to try and be the best all the time. In his head, he thought that he should raise Junichi the same way, but the problem became that Junichi had no competition. Shaming him into wanting the title wasn’t going to make him want it anymore. So he insisted that they try to work together more from there on out, to fix things as best they could... It’s tough to say whether it worked, but it at least got Junichi to start talking to him again.

[identityonfilm]

Character analysis - Lucifer Morningstar

Staying true to my chosen topic, identity and the importance of representation on cinema and TV, I decided to analyse one of my favorite, most complex characters from TV. I went through this based on watching the episodes of the show, watching and reading interviews from the creators and the cast of the show, theories and also talking and debating with friends who have watched the show and can relate to him and his experiences, putting in evidence the importance of representation.

Being such a complex character that represents and normalizes a lot of stigma, he allows me to explore trauma, coping mechanisms, sexuality, mental illness and above all, identity.

Lucifer Morningstar is a character from the Lucifer TV show (originally from FOX and found a new family on Netflix after being canceled in 2018) based on the DC comics by the same name.

Lucifer is, quite obviously, the Devil. We’ve since our childhood been taught to think he’s terrible and to fear him, but that’s practically impossible with this fictional satan. If anything, he shows us the biggest, hardest path to redemption humanity could ever witness and that if he can, so can we.

Even though this Lucifer isn’t completely based of the Bible, his origins are. Lucifer Morningstar, born Samael, is the son of God and Goddess, the favorite son, the Poison of God, the Lightbringer. His task was to light up the stars. He and his siblings were neglected from a young age, since Dad was too busy with humanity and his only contact with his children was to command them. Our hero got enough of the neglect and, fascinated by the free will humanity possessed and angels lacked, started a rebellion against his own Father. In result, he got thrown out of Heaven and into Hell as his sentence, becoming its ruler. In the Underworld he created his own identity: Satan, the Devil, detaching himself from his angelic nature. From there, he commanded demons and gave out punishment to the most rotten, guilty souls that got into his realm. There, the demon Mazikeen became his friend and protector, until both of them left to Earth for a “vacation”.

Lucifers backstory is tragic and clearly traumatizing. The Lightbringer went from being the purest angel, God’s favorite son, to being the Devil, owning up to his original name’s meaning, the Poison of God. Lucifer became violent, impulsive, frustrated and, under his carefully crafted layers of confidence, a very insecure creature, full of self hatred. He’s an immensely relatable character to a lot of viewers, for a multitude of reasons. Along this post i will explore these topics.

 Daddy issues: The root of all of Morningstar’s issues is undoubtedly, God Himself. His own father, who’s supposed to love and protect His son, failed, abandoned and vilified him. Throughout the series Lucifer vents and rants about the pain He caused, His injustice and unfairness. His family is the root of all his trauma and the abandonment from a parental figure is something a lot of children and teens unfortunately go through and seeing this strong, seemingly indestructible character breaking at the thought of his Dad, just like they do, is extremely important.

 Trust issues: Alongside the daddy issues blooms his trust issues. He was wronged by his family, everyone he’s ever met and even has been vilified by all of humanity. In the 13 billions of years he’s been alive, he has learned how to build his walls up and close himself off from possible friendships and even relationships. He doesn’t completely trust anyone, not even himself, but we see his walls crumbling down throughout the seasons, especially with Chloe Decker, his partner and eventually, his lover, and Linda Martin, his therapist.

 Interpersonal difficulties: As mentioned before, Lucifer has his walls way up, which doesn’t allow him to have healthy relationships. Most of his relationships are rocky and unstable, big part of that due to difficulty in communication. While his most toxic friendship is with his oldest friend Maze, his rockiest is possibly with co-worker Dan, all the way through his growing relationship with his only present brother, Amenadiel, sweetest sibling-like relationship with Ella, a very awkward friendship with the detective’s “spawn”, Trixie, to the most focused on relationship of the show - “Deckerstar”- his relationship with Chloe Decker, his co-worker becomes friend becomes best friend becomes lover. Chloe is Lucifer’s soulmate, the one who makes him emotionally and physically vulnerable, the true love of his life. The key to his path to redemption. But his most important friendship is, without a shadow of a doubt, his therapist, Doctor Linda Martin. The normalization of therapy is such an important point of this show. Lucifer starts therapy in the beginning of season 1 and continues throughout the show, where she helps him breakthrough most of his issue and teaches him how to deal with his emotions and himself. His character is full of denial. He refuses to be seen as weak, fragile, “human”. He sees emotions as a flaw and weakness. His sessions with Linda help him open his eyes to a new reality and to connect with and embrace his vulnerable side.

 Self-destructive behavior/unhealthy coping mechanisms: Lucifer often falls into unhealthy behavior when something somewhat tragic happens. That unhealthy behavior ranges from excessive use of drugs, abuse of alcohol, sex, self-harm, cutting his wings off often because they’re a symbol of divinity that represent his loyalty to his Father), all the way to being completely reckless and attempting to get himself killed. His complete disregard for his own life and well-being is a constant in the series, going as far as dying to protect/save someone, but in these moments of despair, it goes from a place of protectiveness for the ones he loves to suicidal behavior rooted on his self-hatred and guilt.

 Hypersexuality: As mentioned above, one of Lucifer’s coping mechanisms is engaging in sexual activity. This is often linked to childhood trauma, either by abuse where victims need to reclaim the power over their own bodies or by neglect and lack of physical affection in formative years. He chooses to numb his pain and emotions with pleasure.

“They are addicted to the neurochemical and dissociative high produced by their intense sexual fantasy life and ritualistic behavior.” by Robert Weiss on Psych Central

 Isolation: Due to depression, trauma and spending years alone in Hell, Morningstar tends to isolate himself when things get rough. While he craves love, friendship and affection, he denies that to himself, he doesn’t understand that he can be loved, fully, for who he is, both angel and devil, without it being a manipulation from his Father.

 Sexuality: Lucifer Morningstar is a canon bisexual character, and the best part about it, is that it’s normalized. There isn’t a big storyline about his sexuality or homophobia, he just openly talks about and is shown with both women and men. And it’s normal. Actually, most of the characters on the show are canon LGBTQ+, which is one of the reasons the show is so loved by many. Representation is so important and seeing ourselves and our experiences represented on TV is immensely important in helping us feel more normal and seen. As of 2020, the actor Tom Ellis has won two bisexual representation awards for playing Lucifer. (x)

 Upon this analysis, we can confirm that his trauma, behavior issues and his identity as we see on the show is widely shaped by his childhood and his background story, mainly by his Dad, Mum and siblings. According to the NSPCC, some effects of neglect are:

 l “taking risks, like running away from home, using drugs and alcohol or breaking the law.

l getting into dangerous relationships

l difficulty with relationships later in life, including with their own children

l a higher chance of having mental health problems, including depression.”

 However tragic it may be, his story and his path to redemption and happiness is extremely inspiring and shows the audience that no matter where you came from, your past does not define you. No matter what you’re going through, it gets better. It’s a message of hope, love and identity.

 References:

 Weiss, Robert. (2018). Hypersexuality: Symptoms of Sexual Addiction. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/hypersexuality-symptoms-of-sexual-addiction/#:~:text=Sexual%20addiction%20or%20hypersexuality%20is,of%20at%20least%20six%20months.

NSPCC. Effects of neglect. Retrieved from https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/neglect/

Feser, Madison. (2019). The Doctor Is In: Therapy Is The Medicine Of Choice In Fox’s ‘Lucifer’. Retrieved from https://studybreaks.com/tvfilm/lucifer-fox-therapy-mental-health/

https://lucifer.fandom.com/wiki/Lucifer_Morningstar

[tatianazmaslany]

the relationship i’ve built with my therapist has been such a healing experience. coming from a childhood / adolescence that lacked so much nurturing /maternal affection & then being able to work through so much of my abandonment issues through not only just the experience of therapy but with someone who has grown to care about me so deeply and who’s become such a prominent role model in my life has just been...life changing. she knows me so well...more than anyone ever has. she’s picked up on so many subtle things about me, it’s like a breath of fresh air knowing that i can be so deeply understood and have someone who just wants to help me grow and heal and who roots for me every single week on my journey towards loving myself and working through trauma. my heart always feels so light and warm after our sessions!! i’m just...so lucky to have her, it’s everything i ever needed, anywhomst!

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !

[mooneec]

Fatherless Daughters: How Growing up Without a Dad Affects Women

Growing Up Without a Dad Shapes Who You Are

It took six decades, but I can finally utter a huge truth that caused me tremendous shame and sadness: My father didn't love me. I never spoke that deep, dark secret, but it was always festering inside of me. It manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with a food obsession, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.

Whether a dad was present but rejecting like mine or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence leaves an indelible mark on a daughter's psyche as she grows into adulthood. What does the research say about woman who grew up with fathers who didn't love them—daughters who were never daddy's little girl?

Below, you'll find six ways a daughter may be affected by an uninvolved dad.

Fathers provide their daughters with a masculine example. They teach their children about respect and boundaries and help put daughters at ease with other men throughout their lives. [...] So if she didn't grow up with a proper example, she will have less insight and she'll be more likely to go for a man that will replicate the abandonment of her father.

— Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist in Oakland, CA

1. Fatherless Daughters Have Self-Esteem Issues

According to Deborah Moskovitch, an author and divorce consultant, kids often blame themselves when dad leaves the home and becomes less involved in their lives. When they aren't given an explanation about why dad left, they make up their own scenario and jump to the conclusion that it's their fault and that they're unlovable.

This is especially true for daughters. Countless studies have shown that fatherlessness has an extremely negative impact on daughters' self esteem. Her confidence in her own abilities and value as a human being can be greatly diminished if her father isn't there. Academically, personally, professionally, physically, socially, and romantically, a woman's self esteem is diminished in every setting if she did not form a healthy relationship with her father.

As a child, I watched television shows like The Brady Bunch and Happy Days in which the fathers showered their daughters with tremendous amounts of attention and affection. Because I never got that from my dad, I convinced myself it was because I wasn't cute enough. I thought if I had blond hair and talked with a lisp like Cindy Brady I would then have my dad's devotion. I hated the way I looked because I thought it caused my father's disinterest in me. As I got older, my self-esteem plummeted and I was sure no man would ever find me attractive.

2. Daughters With Absent Fathers Struggle to Build and Maintain Relationships

According to Pamela Thomas, author of Fatherless Daughters (a book that examines how women cope with the loss of a father via death or divorce), women who grew up with absent dads find it difficult to form lasting relationships. Because they were scarred by their dad's rejection of them, they don't want to risk getting hurt again. Consciously or unconsciously, they avoid getting close to people. They may form superficial relationships in which they reveal little of themselves and put very little effort into getting to know others. They may become promiscuous as a way of getting male attention without becoming too emotionally involved.

Ever since childhood, I've built walls around myself. I didn't open up to people. I didn't ask questions about their families, jobs, or hobbies. I kept my life private, and I remained socially isolated. These were all self-protective measures so I wouldn't experience rejection like I did with my dad. Knowing this intellectually did nothing to help me change my behavior because my fear of rejection was more powerful than my desire to make connections.

3. Women With Absent Fathers Are More Likely to Have Eating Disorders

In their book The Parent's Guide to Eating Disorders, the authors Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto write eloquently about the fact that girls with physically or emotionally absent fathers are at greater risk of developing eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge-eating, body dysmorphia, unhealthy preoccupations with food or body weight, and other eating disorders are all more likely if a girl does not have a father figure as she's growing up. Daughters without dads are also twice as likely to be obese. Because her longing to have a close relationship with her dad is denied, she may develop what Margo Maine (author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, & Food) calls “father hunger,” a deep emptiness and a profound insecurity. Daughters are left wondering: What's so wrong with me that my own father doesn't love me? If I looked different—if I was thin—would I earn daddy's love?

I've struggled with "father hunger" throughout my life—stuffing my face to fill the void, dieting to get model-thin, and always obsessing about food. My days have been filled with thoughts of eating—either doing it or struggling mightily not to. When I accepted that my dad didn't love me and that he was an unhappy man with deep-rooted problems, I finally started eating normally and began maintaining a healthy weight. I began treating myself in a loving way by exercising, gardening, reading, walking in the woods, and spending time with family. For the first time in my life, I only thought about food when I was truly hungry. This freed me to enjoy my life in so many wonderful ways.

4. Daughters of Absent Fathers Are More Prone to Depression

Not surprisingly, girls who grew up with dads who were emotionally or physically absent are more likely to struggle with depression as adults. Because they fear abandonment and rejection, these women often isolate themselves emotionally. They avoid healthy romantic relationships because they don't feel deserving and fear getting hurt, but they might jump into unhealthy relationships that ultimately lead to heartbreak. In either scenario, the women are in emotional peril and frequently become depressed. If they don't deal with the cause of their sadness—an absent dad—they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men.

To top it all off, data suggests that children without fathers are more than twice as likely to commit suicide.

According to Denna Babul and Karin Louise, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, it's helpful to simply realize that we're not alone. In fact, one in three women see themselves as fatherless and struggle with feelings of abandonment. Knowing this fact helps us see that there's a whole sisterhood out there who share a common pain and a need to connect. When we open up and share our journey, we help both ourselves and each other. Whether we feel the loss of a dad through death, divorce, drug addiction, estrangement, or emotional neglect, we must grieve in order to move forward. Read Five Steps to Heal Her Pain: How a Fatherless Daughter Can Move On From Her Dad's Rejection for ideas on how to avoid falling into depression. A gifted therapist can be key to helping us do just that and becoming happier people.

5. Dadless Daughters Are More Likely to Become Sexually Active Earlier

Studies have shown the many benefits that come from a strong father-daughter bond. Most notably, girls who are close to their dads are less likely to get pregnant as teens. They delay engaging in sexual relationships, wait longer to get married and have children, and when they do find a husband, their marriages are more emotionally satisfying, stable, and long-lasting.

Countless studies also show that women who have unstable or absent paternal relationships are more likely to start having sex earlier and engage risky sexual behaviors. Daughters are four times more likely to get pregnant as a teen if dad isn't in the picture. Studies show that more than 70% of unplanned teenage pregnancies occur in homes where there is no father.

My older sister (who, like me, did not have a relationship with our father) met her future husband when she was just 18 and married him when she turned 22, straight out of college. He was the only guy she ever dated. Without a doubt, she was looking for the love and validation she never got from our dad. She was looking for an alternative to a man who never said "I love you" or "you're pretty" and never gave the unconditional acceptance one craves from a parent. Although she is still married, her union has been a difficult one, and she discourages her own daughters from marrying young.

6. Abandoned Daughters Are Susceptible to Addiction

As with depression, eating disorders, and low self esteem, the absence of a father can trap a daughter in a negative repetitive pattern she can't easily break out of and turn to drugs to self-medicate and help numb the pain. She is more likely to find herself trapped in a cycle of substance abuse, for example. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Not only are kids in father-absent households about four times more likely to be poor (which can trigger many negative cycles), fatherless adolescents were found to be 69% more likely to use drugs and 76% more likely to commit crimes.

Can a Daughter Survive Without a Father?

Try as I might, I was never been able to get any traction, always making a mess of this or that and never able to form long-lasting friendships. I rejected happiness because I never felt worthy of it. I did so much to sabotage my life and make myself miserable.

Then last year my older sister revealed to me that she, too, had felt unloved by him. I immediately felt enormous relief and then great euphoria. I realized it had never been about me—that I was bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving. It had always been about him—his unhappy childhood, his cold mother, his negative nature, and his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. It had never been about me...never.

I could finally shout: “You were a piece of crap and now I'm done with you! I'm not your prisoner any more!"

According to Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist, to recover from a father's abandonment, a woman "must learn how to father herself, hold herself, and receive the type of love a father provides. It is a lifelong process, but with the proper support, tools, and patience, it is totally possible. That being said, the grief and pain never goes away, it just changes."

A daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn't her, it's him. This is the first step toward healing.

[themarriageplace321]

PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA RECOVERY

Childhood experiences can impact our current daily life and our ability to have healthy functioning interpersonal relationships. They can also distort our perception of ourselves and others.

When I am working with a couple, sometimes it is clear there are dynamics in the relationship stemming from experiences that predate the relationship. These pre-existing conditions often go unnoticed as a contributing source to the couple’s struggles – until, of course, they are pointed out by a therapist trained to recognize and address them.

Our Formative Years

We are all shaped into the adults we are today by our experiences during our formative years (birth to 18). Not only are our bodies physically morphing during this time, we are emotionally and developmentally morphing as well.

When a child experiences trauma, it can stunt – or even halt – emotional development. So while our bodies continue to grow and we begin to look like adults, there can be components of our emotional development that are underdeveloped or still childlike.

What is Trauma?

Research has shown that any experience that is less than nurturing during our formative years can create trauma wounds that, left untreated, are capable of hindering or preventing our ability to maintain healthy functional relationships as adults.

''Any experience that is less than nurturing can create trauma wounds that hinder our ability to maintain healthy functional relationships as adults''

CLICK TO TWEET

Read that last sentence again. Any experience that is less than nurturing.

Some trauma is blatant and easily recognizable. Sexual and physical abuse are examples and we all know the horrible devastation they cause.

Other trauma however, isn’t so obvious. This ‘relational trauma’ can be very subtle and even unintentional. It can look like unintentional neglect or subtle manipulation. It can also look like a “lack of” – a lack of affection, or comfort, or attention, or appropriate limits. Though not blatant or intentional, it still can have a significant impact on our abilities to love ourselves and others.

The Effects of Relational Trauma

In short, it fuels self-defeating behaviors.

Issues like anger and rage. Or depression and anxiety.

It can cause persistent feelings of rejection, loneliness or inferiority.

Addictions. Fears of abandonment. Low self-esteem.

It can put you in a pattern of choosing people who are not good for you.

It can cause problems with emotional connection and intimacy in relationships.

Just to name a few.

Often, these self-defeating behaviors need to be addressed before couples counseling can be fully effective – and lasting.

Treating Trauma

Studies have shown that, to be effective, trauma must be treated experientially rather than just cognitively (learned with our brain), so it was important to me to have a program available here at The Marriage Place to help our clients do this important work.

We call it our Breaking Free Workshop. ''“Trauma must be treated experientially rather than just cognitively in order to be effective.''CLICK TO TWEET

The 3-Day Breaking Free Workshop

Based on the pioneering research of Pia Mellody, Senior Fellow at The Meadows and author of Facing Codependence (a great book by the way!), each 3-Day Breaking Free Workshop is limited to a small group – usually 3 or 4 – and facilitated by one of my most experienced therapists. The workshop provides a safe environment for participants to:

Explore the origins of their relational trauma;

Identify and recognize their adaptive survival mechanisms;

Learn how to release negative emotions rooted in painful experiences;

Re-parent the parts of themselves that have been shamed, neglected or abandoned; and

Reclaim their intrinsic worth

What to expect

I’m often asked what to expect from a Breaking Free Workshop. Well, in the words of our clients, it’s transformational, life-changing and healing.

Those are big words with lofty expectations and I’m always a little hesitant to use them because 1) I think – in general – they get overused and 2) every client’s experience is different.

But I’ve seen it time and again and still sometimes find myself amazed at the difference I see in clients after they’ve gone through a Breaking Free Workshop.

I had a client whose anger and rage were so explosive his wife and kids were scared to get close. When I saw him for the first time afterward, I noticed he even carried himself differently. He told me he learned he can feel hurt and express himself without yelling and screaming now.

It was certainly transformational. And life-changing – not only for him but for his family and for his marriage.

''When we’re afraid to bring up difficult topics with our spouses, we’re letting fear control the quality of our relationships.''

CLICK TO TWEET

What you can do now

None of us had perfect upbringings. None. Some of us know this all too well.

Some of us had parents that meant well but were carrying baggage of their own and didn’t realize we needed something more. Or parents who, due to circumstances beyond their control, weren’t always able to give us what we needed.

Some of us got what we needed from our families but experienced trauma at the hands of another caregiver. Or neighbor. Or (fill in the blank).

Some of us don’t even realize yet that we didn’t get what we needed during our formative years.

But if you are dealing with symptoms of relational trauma – like the self-defeating behaviors I listed earlier – I hope you’ll consider reaching out and letting us help you address the source. There are coaches and counselors here at The Marriage Place that can help you find the answers.

[glorifiedgpjfic]

Glorified G- Chapter 20

A/N please let me know if you are enjoying this, and feel free to send me asks about anything- myself, the story, or the characters and I’ll try to answer them as quick as I can :)

After the reconciliation with Eddie, the two made their way back to the bonfire. Joanne was the first to leave as she had an early start and she was exhausted,

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” She yelled over her shoulder as she unlocked her car,

“What’s tomorrow?” Stone called after her,

“I dunno!” She replied, she pretty much saw the guys every day there was rarely needed to be a reason, that's what she loved about them they were pretty easy going and you could always chat to them whether it be serious or not.

The following morning Joanne woke up an hour earlier, she had decided to get help. There was a therapist who worked for the FBI for the agents, it was a free service and it was at work so Joanne wouldn’t have a long journey to therapy before or after work. She had never really explored the office and when she was trying to find the therapist’s room she found herself getting lost in the labyrinth, as she was walking she tried to read the signs on the doors- she was so distracted by this that she didn’t see the tall, dark-haired agent walking her way, by the time she spotted the agent it was almost too late, she took a step to the left at the same time as the other agent they ended up walking into each other,

“Shit I’m sorry.” Joanne couldn’t help but laugh,

“No biggie, I’m Barry- I work in admin.” He offered his hand to shake, she took it his grip was firm and strong,

“Joanne, behavioural analysis.” He raised an eyebrow,

“You aren’t from round here are you?”

“Nope. I’m from London, but I’m adjusting to the rain- I thought England was bad for shitty weather.” Barry let out a laugh,

“You'll get used to it don’t worry. Sorry to cut this short but I’ve gotta dash. I’ll see you around?” He asked Joanne nodded,

“Yeah, I’ll see you.”

After aimlessly walking along the corridor she finally found the door that said, ‘Dr Isles, Therapy’ with a sigh of relief she knocked on the door,

“Come in.” A warm voice called, slowly Joanne opened the door, “Good morning, I’m Dr Isles, but you can call me Jane.” Joanne introduced herself, “So what brings you here?” Joanne paused for a moment,

“My best friend is worried about me because I have nightmares and he is trying to get me to get help, but honestly I think I just need sleeping pills then I’ll be too asleep to have nightmares.” Joanne’s logic made next to no sense and she knew that she just hated the thought of therapy,

“I’m afraid sleeping pills won’t cure this, you need to get to the root of it all- we can schedule your sessions around your work schedule if you see me once a week for a month we can see how if it works. I can see you’re sceptical about being here, I get that, but it won’t hurt to try will it?” Joanne nodded, “I an hour free now if you’d like to have a session?” Jane offered,

“Yeah okay.” Joanne reluctantly agreed to the session and almost instantly Jane began scribbling down notes. Joanne explained her childhood and the nightmares, Jane had written two pages of notes by the time Joanne was finished-  which filled her with anxiety, the session flew by really and Joanne couldn’t tell whether reliving her past was good or bad.

“So Joanne, from what you’ve shared today, I’d say you have some abandonment issues, first your parents leaving, and then your fiance and grandma- I’d like to schedule you in for this time next week and we can see what we can do to help you.”

‘Abandonment issues’ Joanne thought, ‘fan-fucking-tastic.’

She made her way back to the bullpen and she was actually just on time, there was a brown case file sat on her desk, she took a seat and opened the file. Three Hispanic teenage girls had been shot, execution style. The three girls had similar appearances, the same black hair, same age, same school, same neighbourhood. Eleanor appeared over Joanne’s shoulder,

“What do you think?” She asked,

“I think that these three are surrogates, for the real target of the unsub’s rage. I mean there is a clear ‘type’.” The question that Joanne was asking herself was ‘why?’ What had made the unsub begin killing now?

Joanne and Eleanor brainstormed the case on the large whiteboard, their day consisted of visiting the school and neighbourhood of the victims and asking around about the girls, they had turned up very few leads - but chased them nonetheless, they followed up each lead before heading back to the office to add the leads to their work. By the time they had finished they were calling it a night, the murders had at least a month in between so this killer wasn’t going to devolve.

After leaving work Joanne drove home and called Eddie over, she changed out of her work clothes into some black jeans and an old Bon Jovi t-shirt she had bought a few bottles of wine on the way home, so she grabbed the largest wine glass she owned and poured herself some, she sat on the sofa in a state of confusion- fucking abandonment issues, what the fuckety fuck - she was dragged back to reality by the sound of a knock on the door, she quickly opened it and let Eddie in she offered him some wine which he declined, she led him to the sofa and sat down,

“So I went to therapy today-” She started and Eddie grinned at her,

“And?” He prompted her to continue,

“I have ‘abandonment issues’” She said making air quotes with her hands, she found it quite hilarious really, “One fucking hour with me and she’s telling me I have abandonment issues.” Joanne tried to stifle a laugh and failed, Eddie, however, was taking it all very seriously, “Please tell me you can see that this is funny because I have been laughing at myself all fucking day-” Eddie frowned at her,

“Jo, at least it’s a step in the right direction, I know you probably didn’t want to hear that, but it means you are a little bit closer to getting help. And for what it’s worth I’m proud of you, I thought I’d have to push you more to go.” She took a sip of her wine,

“I just don’t want to rely on a bloody shrink.” She fired back, “I love that you give a shit, but is making me sit in a room and relive every shitty that has happened going to make me all better? I had one session and it made me distracted, I wasn’t thinking about the case I’m working I was thinking about how maybe if my grandma didn’t die or if my fiance didn’t leave me then I’d be fine and dandy.” It was true her head wasn’t in the game at all today,

“Look, Jo, I just want what is best for you- maybe it’s therapy, maybe it isn’t but you won’t know what works until you’ve tried.” Joanne smiled slightly at his words, nobody had ever cared for her this much since her grandma, yet she couldn’t help but want to fight him on it- maybe therapy will make things worse, sure it could get better- she knew what was coming from therapy, she knew what Jane would say and she just didn’t want to hear it because hearing it would make her had to deal with it.

“Why should I try? I can deal with my issues, I just have to stop sleeping in front of people.” She knew she needed to stop being so fucking stubborn, she let out a sigh, “I’m sorry Ed.” He nodded at her and offered her a hug, she rolled across the sofa to him which made him let out a quiet chuckle as he scooped her into his arms- she rested her head on his chest and felt overwhelmed with a cocktail of emotions, she was grateful that he cared, thankful he was there for her, and happy to be able to confide in him.

The two sat for a while in each other’s arms, Eddie twiddled Joanne’s hair and she traced patterns on his arm, once Joanne began to feel uncomfortable in the silence she pulled out of the hug and asked him what the guys were doing, he had told her they were going to the pub- so she’d suggested that they go and meet them. They walked to the pub relatively fast, Joanne only planned on staying for a quick drink but ended up having three, as she finished her final drink she decided to make her way home, she said her goodbyes. Eddie insisted on walking her home, as they walked Eddie draped an arm over Joanne’s shoulder and gently tugged her closer to him, she didn’t resist- instead she wrapped an arm around his waist, the height made it quite difficult and Joanne found herself kind of crouching so her shoulders were lower for Eddie, when he noticed he took one look at her and burst out laughing, which caused Jo to laugh, they ended up switching so Joanne had her arm over Eddie’s shoulder and he had his arm around her waist- it worked much easier for the final few minutes walking back.

They arrived at Joanne’s apartment and Joanne kind of wanted to invite Eddie in, but she didn’t want to come across as being needy,

“Well then, we made it all the way back- in one piece too!” She smirked, “so, goodnight- I guess.” Eddie smiled at her, in a way that was different to before she couldn’t quite tell what it was, his eyes seemed brighter and his smile seemed wider, which of course showed off his adorable dimples which Jo was so fond of- not that she could say anything about it without coming off as a creep.

“Yeah goodnight, Jo.” Eddie whispered before quickly pulling Jo into a bone-crushing hug when they had first met Jo didn’t peg him as the cuddly, affectionate type- but here he was hugging her at any chance he got. She’d changed too, she hated showing affection or whatever and would pull away from Theo when he hugged her or if he tried to hold her hand when they were walking- any display of affection was brutally rejected, yet with Eddie she was comfortable and his affection made her feel safe.

[lilydodge]

the trauma epidemic & the crisis at the border: what you can - no, NEED - to do

Immediate places to donate/volunteer

RAICES

Border Angels

Texas Civil Rights Project

South Texas Pro Bono Asylum Representation Project

Lutheran Immigration & Refugee Services

The Young Center

The Florence Project

Our country is currently in the business of traumatizing children and families at an alarming rate. What can we as individuals do about it?

GET TRAUMA INFORMED.

People often say that when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail - but after 2 years of training, studying, and living this reality, I’m pretty confident in saying that addressing trauma can go far toward addressing a whole host of other problems that we often see as discrete.

Some facts about trauma

First: we need to take trauma seriously. Trauma is an experience outside the scope of normal brain development. Too often, we dismiss survivors by saying that what they experienced was not that bad, or that other people have it worse, or that “bad stuff happens to everyone.”

At the same time, trauma is everywhere. I must confess that when I first entered this world, I would hear stories and think they must be outliers. Sure, stuff like that happened, but incredibly rarely. How many people are really living through some kind of Lifetime movie hellhole as kids? The answer is far too many. So while trauma is “not normal” based on healthy brain development, it is all too normal based on our existing culture. It’s not just the handful of people writing memoirs about lurid abuse or on the news being rescued from torture - it’s people you know. Lots of homes, childhoods, and adults hide incredibly damaging trauma.

So when I say “trauma” in this piece, please know that I mean both intense experiences of fear, pain, humiliation, etc. that do lasting damage AND very common experiences that many people - more than you might guess, if you’re not one of them - endure.

Second: trauma changes the brain. Trauma does lasting neurological damage and can impact someone’s functioning long after the trauma takes place. And this impact is incredibly wide-ranging. Just a sampling of things trauma can leads to: difficulty in relationships, trouble focusing in school, substance abuse, trouble sleeping, disordered eating, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, depression, dissociation, identity disturbance.

Specific discussions of childhood trauma relevant to this crisis:

Nazis separated me from my parents as a child - it caused permanent damage

A pediatric doctor on the trauma caused by this administration’s policies

The toxic stressed caused by family separation

Kids can suffer permanent damage from border separations

Third: Trauma begets trauma. The symptoms of trauma put individuals with trauma at risk for more trauma.

Consider the young man who is sexually abused as a child. The trauma sets his brain into fight-or-flight mode so constantly that he simply cannot focus in school. His shame at not knowing what’s going on around him in the classroom causes him to act out. He gets in trouble at school, which stacks onto the previous trauma, making him feel that no adults and no situations are ever safe. He acts out because he feels ashamed and afraid, and the consequences are that he is made to feel more ashamed and more afraid, so the problem is never solved. He ends up in a classroom with other students who act out, and frequent violent behavior from his classmates stacks more trauma. He drops out of school. Police approach him for loitering, and since he is so triggered by aggressive authoritarian figures and never learned healthy impulse control, he lashes out and is violently arrested and charged with assaulting an officer. Another trauma. He ends up incarcerated, which is an environment seemingly designed to do nothing but deepen existing traumas and cause more trauma.

Consider the young woman who is raised by a mother with untreated mental illness and her own traula. Her mother is distant and neglectful. When she as a young child cries for her mother, no comfort comes. Sometimes mom is playful and attentive; sometimes she is entirely absent. Adults are unstable and frightening. Her brain learns early on that she’s on her own and that others cannot be trusted. As a young woman, she acts “manipulative” and “codependent” - survival mechanisms learned by her trauma. Adults at school and in her family shame and scold her for this, and she has volatile relationships with peers and adults. She seeks sexual attention from older men, since this seems like a way to gain security and a stable relationship. Some of these men are abusive - more trauma. She gets pregnant at a young age. Because of her trauma behaviors and fear of abandonment, she and the child’s father fight loudly and sometimes violently. This traumatizes the child, who becomes whiny and “difficult”. She, never having learned how to parent in a healthy way, grows distant from the child. And the cycle continues.

Fourth: trauma can be healed, but it takes time and effort. None of what I described above is a life sentence. It does not make people unable to function, or impossible to have a healthy relationship. But it does not heal on its own. It takes therapeutic expertise and an environment that can re-teach the brain how to feel safe.

Right now, there are not enough institutions and individuals that are trauma-informed. Schools, rehab centers, jails, prisons, courts, libraries, churches, hospitals, families - we all need to get our act together and work to understand, treat, and prevent trauma. Because I truly believe that trauma is at the root of most of our social ills, from failing schools to addiction epidemics to police brutality. And if we can get all hands on deck to prevent and treat trauma, we can stop the cycle for an entire generation.

ACTIONABLE STEPS YOU CAN TAKE:

Take trauma seriously. If you joke about “triggers” or “daddy issues;” if you think people need to “just get over it” or “be less sensitive;” if you don’t believe survivors, you are part of the problem. If you “refuse to accept excuses” when someone’s behavior is difficult or troubling, because they are struggling to control feelings or impulses due to trauma, you are part of the problem.

Get informed. Read The Body Keeps The Score, The Connected Child, The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, and anything else you can get your hands on about how trauma works and how it can be addressed. Lots of trauma survivors keep blogs where you can read about their daily struggles and what helps and doesn’t.

Work on your own trauma. You can make sure the cycle ends with you. If you have the resources, see a trauma-informed therapist. Check out workbooks, online communities, and any other resources that can help.

Vote in people who take this seriously. Police violence, prison abuses, under-funded social programs - these all contribute to the epidemic of trauma we’re facing. Trauma is a political issue. Vote.

Be a village parent. If your cousin is spanking their kids, say something. If your spouse teases your son for crying, put a stop to it. If you’re not teaching your children healthy ways of handling their emotions and relationships, start doing that. Now. If you don’t know how, learn. Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is a great place to start.

Advocate and educate. Do you have kids? Is their school or daycare trauma-informed? Advocate for a classroom management and discipline solution that is trauma informed. Is your workplace trauma-informed? Your church? Your local library? Set up panels and workshops in your community where people can learn about trauma. If one book particularly helped you, order extra copies and hand them out.

Get your boots on the ground. The world needs more trauma-informed people who put their skills into action. Volunteer with young people who are at-risk. Become a classroom teacher. Or a foster parent. Or a lawyer. Go into jails, group homes, shelters, rehabs.

Get. Your. Boots. On. The. Ground.

I’m dead serious about this. The constant cycle of trauma in our world is an absolute crisis. A crisis that is calling out to us to upend our careers, our homes, and our lives. A woman fleeing a domestic violence situation needs somewhere to stay where the people around her are trauma-informed and can help her heal instead of stacking the trauma. A man with an addiction problem that’s numbing years of untreated trauma needs a trauma-informed recovery environment. A 6 year old with violent symptoms of abuse needs a trauma-informed foster family, not a situation where adults attempt to control and discipline him out of the behaviors. Can you provide any of those? Can you support people who are trying to provide those?

The world needs more trauma-informed, therapeutic environments. Learn how to provide one, then do it. Open your home. Open your life. Open your budget. Open your career. It will be messy and difficult and inconvenient. Do it anyway.

Ask yourself: what’s really stopping me from using my time and skills to heal cycles of trauma? And how can I get around that obstacle? Self-work? Therapy? Training and workshops? Changing how you spend your free time? Budgeting? A career change? This is critical. Find a way to get involved.

This is true regardless, but since we as a nation are now causing this sort of trauma to thousands more children at an alarming rate, it’s more pressing than ever. Counseling services, therapeutic families, and other programs intended to help kids with trauma are already under-funded and over-taxed. While it’s critical to stop traumatizing kids at the border ASAP, the fact remains that at the time of this writing, we already have over 2,000 children who are going to grow up needing trauma-informed schools, communities, churches, doctors, families, police, teachers and courts. This problem is only growing and it’s critical that we all start working to shrink it. Now. 

[paganchristian]

A picture I took out the window, a peaceful ride in the country, the rolling hills, the cows, the clouds, the blurry images streaming by like a tape, a childhood feeling, memories of gazing at the sun or the moon out the window and the ribbons of powerlines dancing, how beautiful they felt to me then, how full of happiness they seemed to be, dancing in such lovely curves, in rhythm with the music on the radio. 

 It reminds me of something simpler, more innocent, and more joyful, and more hidden, from the world, untouched, unseen, unfound, but wholly at home, loved and belonging, not alone, just almost yet unborn, living in a cocoon where the smaller and more simple the world, the better it is, and if the only other creatures who know me best are my other friends who are children.  And we all inhabit a secret world where innocence is everything and nothing but innocence exists. My sisters, though, weren’t that innocent and kind in all ways, to me.  And disturbing things had already taken root in me, in religious obsessive confusion, at that young age, and a feeling of numbness was starting to settle in, and a repression of my natural personality had already begun to work its way into my life.  It’s visible in home videos where my behavior began to change, and though no one says they knew why, I recall that a teacher was an influence upon me, to stifle my joy and exuberance, and as submissive as I had been taught at home too to be, I willingly shrank into a tiny shell.  But if I just vaguely let my memory rewind itself into the territory of faulty memories and feelings that tell more than facts, I can tap into a sense of pure innocence that I think is actually a mixture of reality, and fiction, and wishes and present tense life that has let me regain a feeling of childhood again, and paradise regained.  

I think that my relative is reachable, if only I reach them in such a delicate way, and I found and really saw and wanted to read again, this book I’d gotten, about mental health issues, certain mental health conditions they have.  It’s been sitting there but something just suddenly made me want to read it again, so eventually I may, though I’m having some difficulty with it, because I feel depressed by the subject matter.  I feel unsure that it will really help me.  Their particular manifestation of this condition is not typical and I don’t know if the book addresses this variation.  But maybe I can find other books or good websites that address that particular variation of the condition.  And really that condition might be a secret locked door that will let me reach them much better, if I can find the key to open things, because it is well known to have tremendous impacts on relationships of all kinds.  Whether it extends to our family relationship, they seem to have the idea that it doesn’t but after all I’ve read, and sensed and they have seemed to hint, I wonder if it does.  I wonder if I could help them much better with their problems if I understand all this, and yet, this condition is notoriously hard to treat so maybe it is more of a matter of accepting what is.  Sometimes it’s treatable but often it seems to be very resistant to treatment, unless the person with the condition t is very willing to cooperate.  

And I’m not a therapist of course and they’re not coming to me for psychological treatment, yet sometimes loved ones can help far more than therapy, as was the case for me, with my bipolar and anxiety, and yet my case was different, by far, than average.  And the loved ones and friends helped a while, but then I changed myself over decades of struggle and isolation and being totally alone and unable to voice my feelings to those who didn't’ care any longer (and therapy and drugs didn’t help either, but I was never treated for bipolar type 2/cyclothmia, only depression, so not sure about that aspect of the drugs).  Sometimes family and friends and loved ones can help, other times not.  Then the ones who helped me eventually turned their backs on me, but maybe it was too much, maybe it’s more of a burden than most can stand after a while.  

Even therapists are often depressed and they have one of the highest suicide rates of the occupations, I think I read.  It makes sense, if you think of the burdens they are feeling if they can’t help but feel overwhelmed by all they hear from others and then not being able to help them, as often people don’t respond well to treatment, and then therapist likely was attracted to that occupation because of relating and sympathizing with those suffering, which means they are more likely to be depressed or vulnerable to depression or mental illness, you would think, than the average population.  It’s not uncommon for therapist to have their own therapists too.  

But anyway, if I just have to accept my relative’s issues rather than help them, because their mental condition is often not responsive to treatments, well, ok.  And that makes me think, about the idea that maybe sometimes we can’t even stand to see our flaws, and it will destabilize us if we do, and not only that, but we need to be validated in our wrong ideas, so that we feel like we have a sense of purpose and worth, and it’s really strange to think of that.  Usually people don't think that way and yet I have lived that out myself and it really feels, looking back, that I did need that.  As long as it doesn’t do any kind of harm to anyone and it’s the best you can do, then maybe sometimes people are so trapped in their delusions in certain ways for the time being that they might need that. 

I think that I don’t have to worry so much about upsetting the fragile balance of my family member, if I just don’t go too in depth or say too many things that seem too challenging, too judgmental, or whatever, about their issues.  Not that I’d say it as criticism or advice or even suggestions directly aimed at them anyway, but just like I said, if I made a blog or wrote letters or made a website or whatever like that and shared it with them, this is my life, my interests, and instead of expecting you to be interested I will just give this to you to do as you so choose, to read it, or not, to respond or not.  It’s not directed at you, just a depiction of my life, my life story, my interests, my passions, the things I’d share if I felt I could share, but since I don’t want it to be a burden or an obligation, since I feel like maybe I’m too far out on a limb for anyone to relate to all that much, I will just share it in this distant, kind of detached way.  

If you really want to talk and enjoy responding to what I say, maybe we can find new things to talk about but if not we already talk a lot, every once in a blue moon, which is enough for me.  This is just throwing this out there, just in case we can be even closer than we are (We are now already close in this rarely talking but I trust and love you so much kind of way, even if we don’t need to talk much, maybe couldn’t find anything to talk about in common.  But we’re there if things fall apart, or if we just have to vent to someone.  That kind of “close-ish” family relationship type of thing).  

And I know that if I did that my views, my values will be confrontational and challenging to them, because they have expressed such extreme sensitivity and offense and misunderstandings over other people that I know they would see my views in the same way and they have told me they stew in rage and self-loathing and bitterness and feeling abandoned over the littlest of things.  I know it’s fragile and yet I feel like if I just keep things very low-key, simple and only  occasionally hint little bits of what might be considered “too positive”, or “too simple”, or “too spiritual” or too cool and aloof, too detached, or too whatever it is, too judgmental, that they might read and distort and misinterpret me to mean...  

Then I think I can write these things.  I just have to carefully weigh each word, even when I’m putting it in this detached, distant space that is not directed at them, but just my own thoughts.  My relative needs someone to help them somehow, and they are not willing to reach out or look for help in many places at all, so I’m one of the very very extreme few people (or maybe the only person) who is in a position to help them.  The only other person they are very open to is just as stuck in the same mental condition they also have and so I don’t have any real hopes for them to help.  

I don’t feel the best qualified to help myself.  I’m not always the most optimistic or the most encouraging or the most good at compliments and cheering people up and framing things in this really friendly, kind, gentle, uplifting way.  I try m y best but it seems that it just flies by me and I’m oblivious.  I see others responding in much more helpful ways but I don’t even understand how they do it or what they’re doing but I just see that it’s much more uplifting and encouraging and validating and enthusiastic and whatever.  More insightful, clear and well-articulated, more helpful, and so many different things I see many do much better than me, when it comes to cheering up people or helping people who are down and troubled.  

 My main strength, I think, is that I don’t judge and expect too much, and I’m actually not overly optimistic, not unrealistically, so, and not overly simplistic, because I’ve been there myself.  Yet because I’ve overcome things in this really weird and difficult way, sometimes what I say sounds too simple and easy, but it’s not.  It’s just so simple it’s hard to trust and be willing to try (and others may need other things but my case was not and is not minor and if it worked for me, it can work for some of the worst cases of depression, which mine was one of the worst my former psychiatrist, an expert in the region, said he’d seen, in his many years of treating people.  He expected I might be depressed all my life).  It’s not that I needed only simple things to help, because what helps me is elaborate and complex, many-layered, immense, and even still, fragile, and only healing but not curing me,...  But parts of what have helped me the most are very simple and sound dismissive to some people, but it’s not.  

Anyway, maybe I can learn how to be more helpful and encouraging in ways I see others doing so much better than me.   But it’s just one more thing for me to try to figure out, when life feels like too much.  And when I can’t just wait before I act to figure it all out, because they need my help and care right now.  Though sometimes things change much more quickly than you would ever expect, once you have the right information and take the right actions to grow, improve and change yourself.  So I am hopeful.  And I ask God for help, as ever.  Yet when I wrote all this about my relative on this blog, things seemed to change, and I noticed and felt like reading that book though before I’d had it on the shelf for months and it felt hopeless, worthless, but suddenly I saw it differently.  Something about blogging, what is it, it changes my feelings.  Maybe it’s some mysterious energy of people reading or maybe it’s something else, like my own consciousness reacting in new ways to the focused sort of social atmosphere and the endorphins of that or maybe it’s something else.  I wonder what it is.  

[vocalstudies]

12:41am

I should probably take an anti anxiety pill before bed to help me sleep. My mind is racing and I can’t seem to shut off my thoughts

I want to make this very clear: am I in no way romanticizing self harm, suidical ideations or self medicating your trauma. The reason I happen to write about these subjects in particular is because it’s currently what I’m struggling with in my life.

I am not a role model and definitely not someone to idolize. I have deeply rooted issues with my sense of self worth and value. A lot of my codependency habits stemmed from childhood neglect, lack of love and abandonment. I’ve experienced emotional, physical and sexual abuse from people closest to me and had trust issues throughout adulthood....on top of being gay, femme and a woc. Like jeez I need to choose a struggle lmao.

Anyway forreal on a serious note:

I felt I needed to write a disclaimer because I don’t want anonymous people to get the wrong idea. As shitty a hand I’ve been dealt with in life, I’m trying to overcome my fears and issues of the past/present. Yes, this blog is an extension of me but it’s only a mere fraction of my life. This is a safe space where I can truly feel comfortable expressing my raw unfiltered thoughts, worries, happiness, sadness, heartbreaks, rants all in one. I let all my “word vomit” out without feeling the pressures of judgement by mutuals, family, friends...including my two therapists and psychiatrist. Mental health is wild like that, idk ew that sounds weird :s

But now YKTFV...

[codyrichards91]

Reiki Portland Dumbfounding Cool Tips

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Reiki Yin Yoga

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Reiki Healing Sacramento

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[sinsiriuslyemo]

Can you do an one-shot where the reader is one of Chilton's patients and she always has a sketchbook with her and one day she forgets it in his office and he can't help his curiosity and opens it to find drawings of him. When the reader finds out she's forgotten the sketchbook she's too embarrassed to continue going to her appointments so after a week he pays her a home visit because he's grown concerned for her and feelings are revealed? Or something like that. Sorry if this sounds stupid.

Dearest anon (and most loyal readers),

I am so sorry that this request has taken me so long, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued patience :) I also wanted to let you know that I do have several more requests in the works, some of which are almost finished, and hopefully I will be able to complete those as soon as possible and get them posted for you!

A little disclaimer: this particular imagine may or may not end the way you think, or perhaps even want. I spent a lot of time, research and walked a fine, fine line while writing this, not only because I wanted to stay true to Chilton’s character, but also I wanted needed to do right by you, the readers. I hope I accomplished that.

Also, I still have a number of requests, but the number is getting smaller and smaller, so hopefully I will be able to open up requests again soon (but not yet. Just not yet lol). Again thank you so much for your continued patience and readership!

Sinceriously,

Hero

He watched you walk into his office for your weekly session with that damned sketchpad clutched against your chest. It had been nearly two months since you’d started seeing him and you always carried that book with you. Two weeks into your therapy, he began secretly hoping you would show him what was inside, but you never did, as though it were a closely guarded secret that he could never penetrate despite the fact that he was your therapist. Should one share everything with their therapist? Wasn’t that sort of an unwritten rule? Regardless, he thought you’d made some progress in dealing with your deeply-rooted issues, though you were still a ways away from not needing therapy any longer.

As the session progressed, he began to feel good about the work being done in the hour the two of you had together, and, he could tell, so did you. You had finally let the sketch pad lay on the coffee table between you, settling back in your chair as you revealed more of your past to him, namely how you’d felt when, at the age of five, your parents got divorced. Frederick could feel that you were beginning to grow more comfortable with sharing such personal accounts, and that you genuinely wanted his council in hopes of feeling better overall about your life. Making sure to listen carefully, he tried to give perspective and insight as to how your childhood experiences affected you now as an adult.

As always, the hour seemed to go by entirely too quickly, but you stood feeling satisfied with the headway you were making. Before you left you actually smiled at him; it was a small gesture, and it didn’t quite reach your eyes, but he could tell it was genuine, it was progress, and he smirked to himself in satisfaction, chest puffing out slightly as he mentally patted himself on the back.

He was getting ready to greet his next patient when he saw it, the black, leather bound sketch pad left abandoned on the coffee table. Moving towards it, he picked it up, trying to ignore his curiosity as he searched for a place to store it until your next session. He was almost to his bookshelf when his intrigued peaked and he found himself slowly opening the book. What he found inside was unexpected to say the least. Yes, he was a well-respected psychiatrist, and some may have even called him likeable to some extent, but not so that would warrant he be sketched. Certainly not handsome nor deserving enough of the intricate detail you had included, or the warmth you had penciled and colored in his eyes.

Upon flipping to the next sketch, he found yet another of him, this time with a hint of a soft smirk on his countenance, every strand of hair delicately and meticulously placed. Had he not known otherwise, he may have considered himself photogenic, even with the circular scar on his left cheek. He was flattered, and a little perplexed all at once; you were his patient, but even he could admit that you were a beautiful woman. If it weren’t unethical, he may have attempted to woo you, perhaps take you to dinner or to see a show.

“Dr. Chilton?”

His secretary’s voice pulled him from his thoughts and he turned his head in her direction to meet her eyes.

“Your eleven o’clock is here,” she said with a polite smile.

“Thank you, show him in.”

You wanted to die of embarrassment; How could you have forgotten your sketch pad?! For months, you had never let it leave your sight, had never let go of it even, but you’d finally grown comfortable with sharing intimate details of your past with Dr. Chilton after months of keeping him at a distance. Comfortable enough to let go of your metaphorical security blanket.

You just had to put the damn sketch pad down, didn’t you? you thought to yourself as you gnawed at your fingernail.

There was no way he hadn’t been curious, there was three months down the toilet, and after making such an advancement in your therapy. What a waste. Even if he hadn’t been nosy enough to peek inside, the fact that he’d touched the one place you had expressed your feelings for him was enough to make you want to crawl into a hole and never resurface. There was simply no way you would ever see him or your sketchbook again.

It wasn’t until two weeks later that you did in fact see both the good doctor and your beloved sketchbook, this time however, one was holding the other. Your heart began to hammer in your chest, your palms became sweaty as Dr. Chilton offered a nervous yet polite smile.

“Y/N! I’m so sorry to show up unannounced like this, but you um…” He held out your abandoned collected of drawings. “...You left this in my office after our last session. I planned on returning it to you at our next appointment, but you um, didn’t show.”

You stayed silent, unsure as to not only what to say, but whether you should reach for the sketchbook he held in front of you. Your fingers itched to feel the smooth leather and your eyes remained trained on the book in his big hands.

“Y/N?”

His voice made you jump slightly as your eyes flickered up to meet his.

“Did…” Your throat was dry and you swallowed to relieve it. “Did you look inside?” you asked.

He noted the fear and embarrassment in your gaze when he subtly nodded and watched as you bit your bottom lip anxiously.

“I didn’t mean to pry, I just--”

He was hesitant with his wording, never having thought a situation like this would ever arise with any of his patients. Not only because he prided himself on being professional (psychic driving past notwithstanding) but also because he could never imagine anyone, male or female, ever being interested in someone like him, much less romantically interested.

“You have a lot of sketches of me,” he said. “Why is that?”

“Because I think you’re interesting, and kind…”

Kind. There was a word not often used by others when describing Frederick Chilton.

“...and handsome,” you mumbled under your breath.

He looked up with surprise, his eyes wide at the admission. Clearing his throat, he nervously held the sketchpad in both hands, staring down at it before he looked back up.

“Well, I um…” What could he say to you? “Thank you, I’m...very flattered,” he offered, wincing a little when he saw how mortified you looked. “I wish it wasn’t this way, but it would be unethical for us to...have any sort of...relationship beyond that of a patient and therapist.”

You nodded.

“I understand,” you whispered. “I’m so sorry for putting you in this position.”

“No apologies are necessary, really,” he replied with a soft smile. “However, for the sake of your recovery, I think it would be best if you began seeing a different therapist. A colleague of mine is excellent, and she’s more than happy to take you on as a client,” he added, pausing a moment as he took a deep breath. “May I keep this?” he asked, gesturing subtly to your sketchbook.

Biting your bottom lip, you shifted your weight from one foot to the other.

“Yes,” you whispered.

“Thank you,” he mumbled, beginning to leave when he turned to face you again. “And just for the record...if we had met under different circumstances, I would’ve mustered up every ounce of courage I had to ask you to dinner. You’re beautiful, inside and out, and I truly wish you nothing but the best. I’m happy to have spent time with you.”

Then he left, leaving you at your doorstep with the urge to run after him and profess your undying love just for a few more moments with him, but you just stood there. A strange, peaceful calm came over you, and you found yourself smiling as you realized that by letting you go, he had admitted his feelings for you as well. You closed the door, leaning back against it and closing your eyes as you thought about how he loved you so much as to not risk your mental health and wellbeing.

It gave you hope that you would one day find that sort of love again.