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quaalussy · 5 years ago

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Dreamboy Episode 7: The Rally

Hi I’m back with another Dreamboy transcript, this is a great episode! Sorry for any mistakes I might have made. Also: if you’re looking to hire a transcriptionist for your podcast or anything else please feel free to shoot me a message, I’m always looking for work!

LITTLE KIDS [sung]

She won’t be able to run in the grass

She won’t be able to lay in the sun

She won’t say hi to the people who pass

She won’t see hi to anyone

She won’t be able to love or dream or anything else that we said

Cause zebras can’t do anything after they are dead

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA

Thank you! Thank you! Keep it going for Ms. Hernandez’s second-grade class from Pepper Heights Elementary, with the shockingly accurate little ditty that they wrote! Wow! Thank you, kiddies. Now don’t let your energies flag, kids. Everyone, I know it’s getting late, I know we’re tired and scared and wondering whether this is all gonna lead up to anything useful, but it is. We’re gonna stay here and we’re gonna.. we’re gonna keep our feet planted on the ground until our demands are met. I, Diana Greasefire, am determined to have our voices heard. I will stay here with my zebra striped sleeping bag and my zebra striped mask, and I will sleep here until I get answers. Alright come on how’re we, how’re we doing out there?

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA Good?

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA Oh, I can’t hear you.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING LOUDER]

DIANA Yeah? What do we say?

CROWD

SAVE ZOE!

DIANA What do we say?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA WHAT DO WE SAY?

CROWD

SAVE ZOE!

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

DIANA That’s right. Now, we have a long night of rallying ahead so have some coffee. It’s free over at that table, donated by the lovely folks down at Settler’s Coffee.

[SMALL GROUP CHEERS]

DIANA

I tell you this little sexy zebra print number has served me well the last few weeks down at The Hussy, but if I’m honest, now that I'm outside in this cooler October night air, I just wish there were a little bit more of it. But then again, how else am I gonna get Mr. Kritch to come out and talk to us?

[CROWD BOOS]

DIANA We know you’re in there, Kritchy! We know you ain’t leaving anytime soon, cause your car is currently surrounded by morbid second-graders.

DIANA [to child]

Go on sweetie, yeah you can stand on the car, jump up and down.

DIANA [to crowd]

Okay. so, I'm gonna bring up my co-host, you may know her from other animal activism activities. She is currently working to educate uhhh people about uhh, hang on I have to read this part. “The effect of deforestation on the delicate symbiotic evolutionary relationship between the Madagascar Honey Orchid and the Madagascar Honey Wasp, its only known pollinator.” Well, that’s a mouthful. Anyway, please welcome to the stage Carol Buxtrom!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

CAROL

Thanks, Diana. Uh, you look really good. [clears throat] Whoa, okay. All of you out there you all are really rad to show up for a cause like this. When I think about this issue, I just get so worked up and angry, and I didn't trust myself to not get all emotional up here, so I wrote it down. So I’m just gonna read this and try to, you know, stay calm and Carol on. Okay, here goes. [clears throat] Last summer on August 29th, just after one A.M., a scared and defenseless wild animal had its space violated by an intruder, and in a split second reaction of fear, defended itself to the best of its ability. The intruder was a boy named Ian Harris, and he was killed. Our hearts go out to his family, but that wild animal is a zebra named Zoe that has spent nearly sixteen years interacting with the publics here at Pepper Heights with no incidents. Tomorrow morning, Judge Elizabeth Gardner [sobs] is set to. Sorry. [sobs]

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL

Is set to announce her decision about the euthanization of Zoe the zebra. She could very well decide to end Zoe’s life based on incidents that were not at all her fault, but we still have tonight to let her know how Pepper Heights really feels, so let’s be a loud voice in her ear. Everybody:

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL

Get out your phones and tweet: #SaveZoe at Judge Elizabeth Gardner. Go ahead, everybody, do it now. Or you could email too, [email protected].

DIANA

Hotmail? Oh my god. Can I hear some of her songs on Myspace? [laughs]

CAROL

While you guys do that, I wanted to read some uhh zebra facts to you that you might not know. Uhhh, okay. Zoe the zebra’s latin name is Equus quagga.

[CROWD CHEERS]

CAROL When zebras stay in groups, their stripes confuse the eyes of would-be predators, making it hard to single out an individual. The stripes of each zebra are unique, like...

DANE [to listener]

The all-night rally. I totally forgot it was tonight. It’s fucking going strong now too in the parking lot. Jesus, like everybody from Pepper Heights is here. I’m just wandering through the crowd, everybody all around me in their zebra shirts with their “SAVE ZOE” signs, and my head is killing me because I haven’t eaten like anything all day, and I just got escorted out of my work place by Sheila fucking Panzarelli and then told to wait here by a fucking twelve year old. Which, I was so out of it that I actually did for a minute before I was like “what the fuck am I doing?” Also, why the fuck is Sheila doing security sweeps? [sighs]. I should probably just go home. Hey, I know that guy from the coffee shop. Wait, maybe they have free food here. The crowd is starting to get very bored of the wasp lady’s zebra facts.

CAROL Zebras are not horses, people.

DANE I see Luke looking down at his phone on the side of the crowd. He looks up, and for some reason I do that thing where I act like I don’t see him, and I think I’ll just look back in a couple of seconds and casually see him, but when I look back he’s walking away, like maybe he didn’t see me the first time? So I start to thread through the crowd to follow him, but I keep losing sight of him, and the boring science channel stuff on stage apparently signaled bathroom and coffee break to everyone, so they’re all moving around. And all of them are wearing zebra stripes so they all blend together, like, my eyes hurt. Where the fuck did he go? I think- there, there. No. there! No. I literally feel like a starving lion trying to pick a meal out of the black and white swirl. Jesus, this really works, good job nature. So I start moving quicker through the crowd, and I think I'm turned around, I'm going to the middle again? People are really starting to jostle me now. The murmurs have turned into full on talking, like no one’s even pretending to pay attention to the stage, which is somewhere behind me at this point. There! I see him again. He’s just fifteen feet from me, facing the other way.

DANE [to crowd]

Excuse me, excuse me, sorry, sorry.

DANE [to listener]

I bump into some teenage boys, I pass a family, almost tripping over a stroller. Finally I get up to him, and I reach up and tap his shoulder.

DANE [to boy]

Luke.

DANE [to listener]

He turns around, but it’s not Luke. it’s just another boy.

DANE [to boy]

Oh, s-sorry. No I just… I thought you were someone else.

DANE [to listener]

I turn back towards the stage. It’s just a sea of writhing zebra stripes. Then someone taps my arm. I turn around quick, but I don't see anyone. Wait, it’s a kid. Like, seven years old maybe? Standing there and looking up at me.

DANE [to kid]

Hey. Do you need help?

DANE [to listener]

He hands me a flier. I take it and look at it, but it’s not a “SAVE ZOE” flier. It just says “#WHATABOUTIAN” in big, bold type. I look back up at him, but he’s already running back out of the crowd. And then he disappears into a smaller crowd at the side of the rally that I hadn't noticed before. They’re counter-protestors. Some of them have signs that say the same thing: “#WHATABOUTIAN”, and others have signs that have two pictures side by side on them. The first picture is Ian as a little kid, smiling and playing in the grass, but the second picture is the police photo of when they found his dead body. Wow, it’s intense.

CAROL

A group of zebras is referred to as a herd, dazzle, or a zeal. Ha! which is totally neat. Of course, Zoe is a single zebra which is, you know, just called a zebra. Umm-

DIANA

Ok, Carol, thank you.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

DIANA

Let’s do more facts later.

CAROL Oh, Okay. Anyone who has questions can talk to me later.

DIANA Okay! [sighs] Okay Kritchy, you coward! I am standing here in my zebra striped dress with my zebra striped sleeping bag, in case this goes long, and my thermos of hot toddies and my zebra slippers, and I am waiting for you to get up the courage to come out here and look me in my face. What do we say, everyone?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA What do we say?

CROWD SAVE ZOE!

DIANA

That’s right!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

DIANA

I think we should try to enchant Mr. Kritch out to talk to us with a little song.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR CHORD]

DIANA What do you say, everybody? You wanna sing together with me? Come on, you ready? Here.

[BEGINS TO PLAY GUITAR]

DIANA I’ll start us off.

[GUITAR INTRO]

DIANA [sung]

We shall overcome

We shall overcome someday

PERSON IN CROWD I love you Diana!!

[CROWD CHEERS AND CLAPS]

DIANA [sung]

Deep in my heart

I do believe

We shall overcome someday

DIANA

We’ll walk hand in hand!

CROWD [sung]

We’ll walk hand in hand

We’ll walk hand in hand someday

[SONG CONTINUES UNDER THE FOLLOWING]

DANE [to listener] I swear I just heard Luke’s voice. Like, close by. I look around, but I don't see him. Then, a huge zebra striped balloon floats by, and I look. I watch it pass, and then Luke is right there, just ten feet from me. He sees me too. He doesn’t seem surprised, though. I walk up to him slowly, and he puts his phone in his pocket and straightens up. As I get closer I can see his face. It’s sort of a mix of shy and embarrassed and glad and pouty all at the same time.

LUKE Hey.

DANE Hey.

LUKE

What’s up?

DANE Nothing, what’s up with you?

LUKE Nothing.

DANE AND LUKE

[unintelligible]

[BOTH LAUGH]

LUKE Yeah, so look, I just um, you know-

JENNIFER

There you are, jesus! Why didn’t you stay over there?

DANE

Fuck, Jennifer! Because I'm not your poodle. Like, for being an anti-fascist you really are-

JENNIFER We don’t have time for this.

DANE [to listener]

The twins, Merryl and Sherryl, walk up behind her. Jennifer looks anxious. She looks down at her watch and then scans the crowd. Luke looks at all of us with a wrinkled expression.

LUKE

What are you guys doing?

DANE We are doing nothing. I don’t know what she’s doing

DANE [to listener]

For once, Jennifer doesn’t look angry or mean or smug, she almost looks like a kid. She gets closer to me, looks right at me.

JENNIFER

They are keeping an animal I love in the dark alone in there, and it’s killing her. Tonight, I’m gonna go get her out of that dark.

DANE That’s, like, literally what happens at any zoo.

JENNIFER Exactly! They’re all animal jails.

LUKE So you wanna jailbreak Zoe? You’re a little badass.

JENNIFER Yes, but...

DANE [to listener]

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, then lets it out and opens them and looks at me JENNIFER

I need your help.

DANE [to Jennifer] What are you talking about, you’re crazy. Like, you’re twelve years old, what the fuck are you planning on doing?

JENNIFER First, I’m almost thirteen. Second, growing up is a myth. And third-

DANE [to listener]

She looks back at the twins, standing on either side of her, and then back to me with a weird smile

JENNIFER We have a plan.

DANE [to listener]

Then she sees something to her left behind me, and her eyes go wide and her face gets serious

JENNIFER Oh no. He’s early.

DANE [to listener]

I turn around and follow her stare. On the back edge of the parking lot, far from the crowd, there’s a utility truck parked under a light pole, and a man in a bucket on a crane coming up from the truck, and the bucket is rising. It gets to the top and then stops.

JENNIFER Okay, okay, it’s go time. Merryl, Sherryl, stay on the time markers no matter what? Got it?

TWIN 1

Got it.

TWIN 2

Uh, okay.

DANE [to JENNIFER]

What is going on?

JENNIFER No more time.

DANE [to listener]

She looks at me and Luke.

JENNIFER

You in or out?

DANE I don’t… I don’t even know what you’re talking about, like in what?

DANE [to listener]

Her face looks strange.

JENNIFER Please.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Please what?!

DANE [to listener]

The power goes out, the lights on the stage and everything. The crowd stops singing and everyone starts shuffling and murmuring, slowly starting to panic. People start yelling for their kids. The only light is from the billboard for the exhibit way at the other end of the parking lot. Luke steps forward and looks at Jennifer.

LUKE We’re in.

DANE [to listener]

I look at Luke. he won’t even look back at me.

JENNIFER Great. Follow us.

DANE [to listener]

She takes off through the crowd, the twins just behind her. I keep looking at Luke, but he just takes off after them.

[SILENCE]

Jennifer, the twins, and Luke are all standing in front of a hole dug under the fence in front of the zoo. Right as I walk up, Jennifer kneels down and starts to go under the fence. I look around, but nobody sees her, everyone's just scrambling in the dark and paying no attention. The power going out was a classic diversion. Did she plan all this? Like, what organization are they a part of, the CIA for kids? Jennifer goes through the hole, then the twins, and then Luke. [sighs] I look around one more time. Fuck. [sighs] I follow them through. [panting] I get up and brush myself off, and then I go over to where they’re at, in the shadows against the souvenir stands and ticket booths.

[DREAMBOY SONG PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]

DANE [to group]

Guys! Am I the only one worried about getting caught? Like, what about the security guards? Or Kritch, Sheila.

JENNIFER Kritch is watching the livestream of the rally in his office, I bet you fifty bucks, and the security guards follow the same routine every single night. Three guards, three booths, they rotate between the three booths every thirty minutes.

DANE [to listener]

She looks down at her watch.

JENNIFER We have another twenty-five minutes before the next rotation.

DANE [to Jennifer] What about Sheila? Like, she’s the scariest one.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer considers the question.

JENNIFER

She is sort of a wild card. But it’s a risk we will have to take. The good news is, she’s not exactly good at being covert. Everybody just look out for a wheezy, cussing thing with a lightsaber flashlight.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Look, this isn’t just about getting banned from the zoo or me getting fired, like we could all get arrested. On serious charges! Which is a big deal if you’re not a little kid.

DANE [to listener]

Luke still isn’t looking at me.

LUKE

It’s weird they leave the music on all night.

TWIN

It’s for the animals.

JENNIFER

Okay, let’s go.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer runs off into the shadows, weaving between food stands, pausing whenever she can, looking at her watch. God, it’s like she was made for this. Her legs flick in and out of the dim light, and the twins are in lock step right behind her, and Luke is right behind them, his legs almost as quick, and I'm following with legs… legs of a person that doesn’t wanna get arrested.

[CICADA NOISES]

DANE [to listener]

[sighs] The twins are whispering things to us like little tour guides

TWIN 1 Over there’s the rides.

TWIN 2

And the Candy Clown

LUKE

[sighs] I used to hate the Candy Clown.

JENNIFER

Come on!

DANE [to listener] Jennifer’s moving like a little Navy SEAL, doing that thing where she points at her eyes then points ahead.

TWIN 1

There’s the swan.

DANE [to listener]

The other twin points to a single white swan next to the pond. It looks blue in the night, its head is hidden in its wings. I stop. There’s an information kiosk in front of us, but there’s a movement inside.

DANE [to group]

Guys, wait. There’s someone inside that booth.

DANE [to listener]

The twins both look back and smile.

TWIN 1 Lost and found.

TWIN 2

All the phones.

DANE [to twins] Oh, jesus. Okay.

DANE [to listener]

I look in the window as we pass it. There’s a cardboard box full of phones. A lot of them are dead, but some are flickering with messages. “Where are you?” “Are you mad at me?” “Hey.”

JENNIFER Come on!

DANE [to listener]

We round another food stand, walk along this low wall for a few seconds, and then I see it.

TWIN

The animal gate.

DANE [to listener]

There’s this tall, decorative iron gate set into a high stone wall that separates the animal exhibits from the rides and food and stuff. It’s this overwhelming, intricate scene of animals all sculpted with wrought iron, their bodies all twisting around each other and their faces all looking up. It’s like a gothic mural but with metal animals, but I’ve never actually really looked at it cause it’s swung open when the zoo is open. Now that I see it, it’s really beautiful. Luke slowly walks forward and looks up at the gate.

LUKE Oh my god. I remember when I was a kid, getting here early enough to see them open the animal gate was like the most magical thing, and then once we got inside my mom and I would always do the same exact thing every time: chocolate ice cream cone with a hard dipped shell and then visit Zoe. I remember her being almost close enough to touch, it’s like so weird to think that-

[JENNIFER GRUNTING]

DANE [to listener]

I look over off to the side of the gate. Jennifer’s trying to unlatch the huge metal bar attached to the stone wall.

[JENNIFER GRUNTING LOUDER]

DANE [to Jennifer]

Mmm, need help? DANE [to listener]

Then the latch comes loose and the gate swings free with a loud deep groan.

[GATE CREAKING, JENNIFER PANTING]

DANE [to group]

Wow, lotta good that does keeping people out.

DANE [to listener] Jennifer steps back onto the path and brushes her clothes off, a little out of breath.

JENNIFER

It’s not meant to keep us out, it’s meant to keep them in.

DANE [to listener]

Then she walks through the gate; the twins follow. Luke goes through behind them but stops when he sees I'm not following. He turns around and looks at me, for the first time since the parking lot.

LUKE You coming?

DANE

[sighs] I don’t know. What if I say no?

DANE [to listener]

He walks up to me. His face is really soft and sweet, and he doesn’t look mad at all, like does he not know he didn’t text me all day long and like left me hanging? Like, what the fuck is he thinking?

LUKE

Are you really gonna say no?

DANE [to listener]

He reaches out and grabs my hand. My body twitches like an electromagnet.

[TWINKLY MUSIC]

DANE [to listener]

The animal section of the zoo is dark except for a few random bluish-white lights that make everything look dead and icy. Luke is still holding my hand.

LUKE These lights are weird. Also, isn’t the power out? Like-

JENNIFER Those are emergency lights. Backup generator, only essential systems.

DANE [to listener] She keeps her eyes ahead as she talks. And all three of them, the not girl scouts, are walking in front of me and Luke at that specific speed of children that want you to know that they know where they’re going and that they’re not afraid. And Jennifer starts whispering things too and pointing. It’s like all three of them have the whole history of this place memorized, but I can’t quite pay attention because all I can think about is Luke’s hand.

JENNIFER

That’s the creepy-crawlies building. My dad says that it’s just an old shed they like infested with bugs, and it’s a crime that they make people pay to see it. TWIN

That’s the parrot William something. He’s old. He talks but he just says numbers.

JENNIFER

There’s the lion and tigers and bears exhibit. A lion, a tiger, and bear that used to be movie animals. The tiger’s been dead for years, though.

TWIN

So now it’s just a lion and a bear.

DANE [to listener]

I’m trying not to look at Luke, but there’s this feeling between our arms. It’s like a buzzing.

TWIN There’s the new exhibit. They’ve been digging holes over there for months now.

DANE [to listener]

There’s a low wooden barricade in front of the new exhibit with a sign that says “coming soon” on it and another sign that’s half ripped down that says “Forgotten Sea”. The buzzing feeling surges. We both yank our hands away.

TWIN That’s a bathroom.

DANE [to listener]

I hear a tarp snapping in the wind somewhere over in the dark of the new exhibit. Something in my body turns over. Then I hear music. Opera.

[OPERA PLAYING FAINTLY]

JENNIFER That’s Madam Beauregard’s radio. She has to listen to music when she sleeps or she has nightmares. She used to be a NASA flight test chimp, and she went to space once, but she came back crazy. Then she lived in the swampy part of Florida where some man made her do this sideshow act on the side of the road.

TWIN

Made her wear a nightgown and read a paper and drink coffee

JENNIFER Yeah, but he actually gave her real coffee, so she got addicted. Now she has to have coffee right when she wakes up or she goes insane.

LUKE Wow. How did I not know any of this stuff?

DANE [to listener]

We come around a curve where the main path sort of narrows and then ends at this long iron fence. Just darkness beyond. Jennifer walks up to the fence and stops.

JENNIFER Zoe’s exhibit. Or, used to be.

DANE [to Jennifer]

I mean they still let her outside a little bit, way far back there so people at least can still see her.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer looks at me with a pathetic look. Then she hops up and starts to climb the fence.

DANE [to Jennifer]

What the fuck are you doing?

DANE [to listener] In no time she’s over and standing in the artificial savannah, looking back at us.

JENNIFER Come on.

DANE [to listener]

The twins go over. Then Luke. I'm starting to sense a pattern here, so I put my foot on the fence, but it immediately slips, and I hit my knee hard, and I fall a little bit, and I do that thing where it hurts so bad that you just hold it and rock back and forth while everyone waits. [grunts, breathes deeply, sighs] I try again. I really don’t know if I can do this. Jennifer’s trying to coach me, but it’s just annoying.

JENNIFER

Ughh, just put your foot on the wall.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Yeah. JENNIFER Put your other foot on the fence. Now grab the- No no no.

DANE [to Jennifer[

What?

JENNIFER

Hold on with both hands and kind of swing your hip, yeah. Swing your hips. Okay, no, like that but do it better.

DANE [to Jennifer]

I’m trying.

JENNIFER

Just swing your hips, yeah, now pull- pull yourself, now pull yourself, okay.

[DANE GRUNTING]

JENNIFER

Okay, there it is.

DANE

Goddamn.

DANE [to listener]

I finally make it over and land with a grunt in the dirt. [groans]

TWIN

This is the spot where the Harris boy climbed in.

DANE [to listener]

The twin is looking right at me, then she points to a spot on the ground by the wall.

TWIN

And that’s where he died.

DANE

Whoa.

DANE [to listener]

I look at the spot. I think about the picture I saw on those signs in the parking lot.

JENNIFER

He wouldn’t have died if it weren’t for toxic masculine peer pressure.

DANE

What? TWIN

It’s a tradition for high school boys to break in here at night and touch Zoe.

DANE

But he was like eleven.

JENNIFER

Exactly. He heard about his older brothers doing it and wanted to be cool like them. Stupid boy stuff.

DANE Exactly. Stupid. And here we are doing the exact same thing, like-

JENNIFER Trust me, I have a plan.

DANE [to listener]

I look down at the spot on the ground again. I think I can still see blood stains, but it’s so dark I can't be sure.

JENNIFER

Now, let's go!

DANE [to listener]

We tip-toe through Zoe’s artificial environment. It’s made to resemble a rocky outcrop in an African savannah, so what look like rocks from the front are actually just plastic and hollow in the back. But, I mean, I guess this savannah wasn’t made for Zoe anyway.

JENNIFER

[breathes deeply] Okay. This is it. Where’s your keys?

DANE [to listener]

There’s a door. It’s made to look like stone.

DANE [to Jennifer]

That’s the help you needed? My keys? I told you I only have keys to the ride building and the broom closet, that’s it, those two. So looks like we’re all just gonna go home, good plan.

LUKE

Wait, we’re not actually gonna go inside-inside are we?

DANE

No we’re not, not without keys.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer walks up and looks at me and slams her brow down over her eyes.

JENNIFER

Listen: come in or not, I don’t care, but I’ve been planning tonight for months, and all I need is to get through that door, and then you can go. After that door is open, I don't care where you go.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Yeah right, and let you just get killed by a murderous zebra? They’d put me in jail for letting you in, stupid.

JENNIFER

I told you already, Zoe died months ago. Give me the keys and I'll show you.

LUKE Wait, what?

DANE

These keys?

DANE [to listener]

I take my keys from my pocket, and I throw them at her feet.

DANE [to Jennifer]

Go ahead, try them. I told you they don’t fucking go to these doors, so have at it.

DANE [to listener]

Jennifer grabs the keys from the ground, walks over to the door, and sticks them in. The broom closet one immediately works. The door swings open. She yanks my keys from the knob and throws them back at my feet. Then she snears at me and disappears into the dark. The twins follow. [sighs] I don’t understand. Like… I don’t understand.

LUKE

Zoe’s dead?

DANE [to listener]

I’m still looking at the dark of the doorway where Jennifer and the twins disappeared. Almost talking to myself.

DANE [to Luke]

I... who knows? I don’t know. She could be, I guess.

LUKE

Zoe’s dead.

DANE [to listener] I hear something edging in Luke’s voice. I look over at him. He’s looking down. His eyes are distant.

DANE Well, we don’t know that yet.

DANE

He kneels down quickly and starts to pick up pieces of gravel just to have something to do with his hands, it looks like. The whole time, he’s looking off in the distance. I walk up to him slowly and kneel down beside him. His lip is trembling. He can’t look at me. I wait a few seconds, unsure of what to do, and then I reach out and put my hand on his shoulder.

DANE [to Luke]

Hey…

DANE [to listener]

But as soon as I touch him, he just start sobbing like he can’t hold it back anymore

[LUKE SOBBING]

DANE

And he falls into me, and he wraps his arms around my torso and cries onto my neck. I feel the wetness on my skin. It feels weirdly good that he’s crying on me, and then I feel weird that it feels good.

DANE [to Luke]

Hey buddy, you’re okay, you’re okay.

[LUKE BREATHING DEEPLY]

DANE [to listener]

After a bit, his rhythm slowly evens out, and his fingers unclench from my shirt in the back, and he buries his face in my neck and just breathes. I breathe too. Our breathing is lining up.

[DANE AND LUKE BREATHE]

DANE

We both pull away, and get to our feet. We don’t really look at each other. Instead, our eyes fall on the open doorway.

LUKE

We have to go in there. We have to make sure they don’t get hurt.

DANE

[groans]

LUKE [sighs] Yeah, I know.

DANE

The darkness in the doorway seems to be looking back at us like a giant eye socket. I don’t wanna go in there. But I know whatever’s going on with this zoo and this zebra is weird. I mean, everything about this place is weird, but I just feel like the answer’s... the answer’s through that door.

[DISTANT SCREAM]

[DREAMBOY THEME PLAYS]

ELLIE HAYMEN

Dreamboy is co-created by Dane Terry and Ellie Haymen. Developed and directed by Ellie Haymen. Written, composed, and performed by Dane Terry, featuring Michael Cavadias, Dito Van Reigersberg, Renata Friedman, Morgan Meadows, Avery Draut, Gianna Masi, Alice Tolan-Mee, Somerset Thompson, and Jake Sellers Sound Designed, Engineered, Mixed and Mastered by Chris Weingarten at Bananappeal Studio. Edited by Alexander Charles Adams. Creative Producer and Assistant Director: Ashlin Hatch. Associate producer: Adam Cecil. Executive Producer: Christy Gressman. A very special thanks to Night Vale Presents. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram @dreamboypodcast. For more info and for merch check out dreamboypodcast.com.

#do i have to put a disclaimer? idk how these things work. this isn't my podcast i'm just a fan #dreamboy #dreamboy podcast #night vale presents

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daqtranscripts · 7 years ago

Text

Ep. 3 Transcript

Ep. 3 Transcript: Alpine Escape — Chapter 3

Begin:

Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...

[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]

Sophie: It’s a frigid night in the mountains, and we see a group of assorted humanoids — humans, elves, dwarves and other, less common races — huddled together for warmth inside dome cages made of sturdy wood.

Kenway: Thanks for your stories. What’s your name?

Ellywick: My name is Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous.

Kenway: My name is Kenway.

Lazza: Are you good at a fight?

Defiance: Is this to be some sort of a jailbreak, then?

Lazza: Hey, if we live through this… I’m Lazza.

Defiance: It is a pleasure to meet you, Lazza. I’m Defiance.

Sophie: Okay, you all quickly make your escape and head down the dark, wooded path, and before you catch up with the rest of the villagers, you see a familiar fresh face in Kenway as he smiles at you and says…

Kenway: I knew you all wouldn’t let us down!

[END RECAP]

Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everybody, and welcome to “Dungeons and Queers,” where the “Whose Line…?” references are made up and the rolls don’t matter! I’m not even trying anymore and it’s, like, the fourth episode.

Credence: [GROANS] Where the introductions should be re-recorded…

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: ...and… [BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING[]

Mara: ...Where Sophie should put some thought into a pun before it’s time to record the pun.

Sophie: Yeah. Well.

[COUGHS]

Mara: I hope this isn’t, like, indicative of the rest of this arc. [LAUGHING]

Sophie: Does anybody have a pencil? No, I have a pencil.

Credence: [IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT] I brought my supplies!~

Sophie: I was prepared!

Credence: [CONTINUING SOUTHERN ACCENT] I’m ready for school!~

Sophie: Okay, um, so! [SIGHS] Basically, I have a little bit of reading to do, which I thought was a good place to start this off, and then I’m going to introduce a new mechanic to you all! Which you are not going to appreciate!

Mara: [WEAK CRY]

Credence: [RETURNING TO NORMAL VOICE] I had a feeling… You didn’t have to… You didn’t have to do that.

[LAUGHING]

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] For me? You shouldn’t have.

Sophie: Yeah, well.

[CROSSTALK OF CREDENCE AND MARA BEING SARCASTIC TO SOPHIE]

Sophie: I wish you would not have. Yes, yes. Anyways… Before we get started, I want to let the fans know that — I wanna remind everybody, I guess — that this is a d/Deaf-accessible podcast! We do have transcripts, and if you are looking to help make that happen, in return, I am willing to give you early access to these episodes! So if you’re craving, wondering what is gonna happen, get in contact with me via email or Twitter or something like that, and we will talk and, basically, there’s a Google Drive folder with some files in it that I can share with you, and basically you can listen to the episode early with the understanding that you are going to contribute to the transcription. Which basically just means you type what you hear! And the format of it is pretty clear if you’re on there, so if you’re interested in helping out with that… I know that our d/Deaf fans would really appreciate that, and, you know, there’s even some non-d/Deaf folks that would probably appreciate it too. I mean, whenever I watch a movie, I always have the subtitles on, you know.

Credence: Yeah!

Sophie: And there’ll be times when I’m listening to podcasts where they’re audio dramas and there was so much sound going on, and they had, like, people talking through a crackly speaker, and I was sitting there like, “I need to look up the fuckin’ transcript because I can’t tell what this garbled audio is supposed to sound like, is supposed to be saying, and it was plot-relevant.”

Credence: Yeah! I mean, I… I have sensory processing disorder, and that can… Podcasts are actually one of the few things that helps with that for me, because it’s mostly visual stimulus that makes it very difficult for me, but I know for other folks, like, being able to just focus on something without any kind of visual component is incredibly difficult. So there are so many reasons why it’s nice to have these, and I’m really glad that we are committed to making this accessible, and folks who are willing to help are fuckin’ radical! And...also you get to listen to the episode early, but if you leak ANYTHING… [LAZZA VOICE] Lazza will find you.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: And honestly, sometimes we’re just garbage podcasters and the crosstalk is unbearable, so, you know.

[VARIOUS AGREEMENTS]

Credence: Oh, GOD, yeah. We’re doing pretty good…

Sophie: Yeah, we’re doing okay! It’s a little hard, because three of us are talking into one mic, so there’s not much I can do when some of us start crosstalking. I can…

Mara: Build a crosstalk spray bottle. “NO! BAD!”

Sophie: Yeah, if the problem is Credence, then I can just silence Credence’s audio. I think that only happened just once, where, like, Joe was making a really funny joke and Credence was laughing too loud, and it was like, “I’m just gonna ~tweak~ this out.” But typically, the problem isn’t just Credence. But we’re actually looking into…

Credence: Thank you! I appreciate it!

Mara: We’ll just get a little spray bottle and you can spritz Joe or I if we’re being naughty.

Sophie: But anyways, we’re actually looking at getting involved with a local artist co-op that has a podcasting studio in it, so if our sound quality suddenly improves at some point, you’ll know that we’re involved with them, ‘cause they have really, really incredible setups there. But anyways!

Joe: It’s a marvel what people can do when they actually pool resources and get together and help one another.

Mara: WHOOOOOAAAA…

Sophie: Yeah, well, I mean, I’m an anarcho-communist, so…

Joe: Same.

Sophie: I’m all about this artist co-op, like…

Mara: [SARCASTICALLY] Nah, co-ops aren’t good.

Credence: It’s fuckin’ radical. I’m super jelly of the setup that you guys are gonna be able to check out.

Sophie: Yeah, the only downside is that it’s mostly volunteer work, which means the wheels turn slowly, so they built this wonderful space because people are very motivated when it comes to building things and buying things with grants, but they haven’t put an online signup sheet to use it yet, to like, use the space, so like… I can’t use it yet even though it’s there and it’s just sitting, empty, and I keep emailing the guy but he hasn’t emailed me back, so we’re just waiting for the wheels of unmotivated artists to turn there.

Credence: Before we get started, should we talk about ways to get in contact with us?

Sophie: It’s all on the cover art of the podcast.

Credence: Like, I don’t know, do you folks wanna share your personal Twitters?

Sophie: Oh yeah! We should go around and say our name and pronouns and reintroduce our characters and stuff like that and, you know, who we’re playing, our characters’ pronouns, and then if you wanna be like, “And my personal Twitter is @this,” or whatever, we can do that. So, my name is Sophie Lastnameredacted, I am the DM, so I’m playing a whole bunch of characters, although only one that’s been introduced right now, his name is Kenway. And basically, you might know me from the “PolyAM Radio” podcast, where we talk about polyamory and unconventional, young, queer, trans relationship styles and stuff like that — it’s a blast, you should come check it out if you haven’t — and my pronouns are she/her/hers!

Mara: Uh…! I’m Mara Sunshine, I use they/them pronouns, I am @marasunshine2 on Twitter, and I am playing — and I have to break out this full name, it’s never gonna get used, ‘cause it’s unwieldy, but I’m a gnome — Ellywick Faelover Wandfidget the Ambiguous. More names to come, I’m sure. They are a bardic gnome or a gnomic...bard…? I don’t know. And they also use they/them pronouns.

Sophie: Joe.

Joe: I am Joe Alias, my pronouns are they/them/she/hers. And I play Defiance, who...same pronouns, they/them/she/hers. Defiance is a tiefling war cleric. I don’t have a Twitter as of yet, but if I eventually set one up, I will let y’all know.

Sophie: I will say that the Twitter app is actually excellent at managing multiple accounts. Like, it’s not like Tumblr, where it’s like, you have to completely sign out, and…

Joe: Boo!

Credence: Tumblr’s the worst, that blue hellscape.

Joe: Ain’t that the truth.

Sophie: Credence?

Credence: Yoooo! Okay! My name is Credence It-Has-Nothing-to-Do-With-Clearwater-Revival. My pronouns are he/him and I play the character of Lazza the half-orc barbarian. Lazza’s pronouns are she/hers and if you wanted to reach out to me on Twitter, my handle is @aliensatemybaby.

Joe: Nice!

Sophie: Of course it is.

Credence: Yup. [LAUGHS] Gotta stay on-brand.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah! Okay…

Mara: Real quick — is that supposed to be like “dingoes ate my baby?”

Credence: Oh, you bet.

Mara: BLESS.

Sophie: Okay! Um… So… Now that we’re ten minutes into this recording…

Credence: Ah!

Sophie: Let’s actually play some fucking D&D!

[ALL SAY “HELL YEAH” IN VARYING FUNNY VOICES]

Sophie: Okay, so, where we left off, the villagers had gone — had been rescued and had gone down that path and you were going down the same path to follow them. Kenway had waited back behind for you—

Mara: What a good boy.

Sophie: Yeah, what a good boy. He is the Resident Good Boy™, like three baby golden retrievers stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

Joe: What!

Mara: Bless!

Credence: Lazza does not trust him.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Just so everyone knows.

Sophie: To be clear, is that because Lazza has a thing about dogs, or just because…?

Credence: He is a CHILD! You did talk about how he is a HUMANOID CHILD, so I don’t know why this has anything to do with DOGS—

Sophie: Just ‘cause I described him as a puppy-dog of a person.

Credence: No, just kids.

Sophie: Oh, okay.

Mara: See, and Ellywick is just, like, “YES.”

Sophie: “Yes. Good.”

Mara: “YES. GOOD. My people, but not.”

Credence: “I can look you in the eye.”

Mara: Yeah, right?

Sophie: Yeah!

Mara: “You have a lot more whimsy than the average human. Cool. We’re good here.”

Sophie: But anyways, the four of you kinda run ahead, and Kenway leads you to where this group of people is sitting, huddled and cold, in the forest, and you all make way for — basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven, and it’s famed as kind of a frontier-style town, but very...it has a long history of being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving. So it’s the kind of place that if you were to bring an orc horde to their doorstep, they wouldn’t necessarily bawk, just in case you all are pursued. So these villagers follow their shepherds, you three, on this cold night, as beings do when they correctly identify their only hope for survival. With little protective outerwear, these prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains.

You now face a terrible choice — allow the group to stop and find shelter for the night and risk losing the head start you achieved by killing the orc guards and making the orcs think they were under seige and close up and bar their doors, or you can continue on and risk the deaths of some of the older and younger villagers due to exposure and cold. Make your choice and inform their fate — drive them on or find shelter?

So basically, this is a new mechanic that I told you about that you all will not appreciate. These villagers are relying on you, but at the same time, you are all trying to make your escape as well, and you have to decide, basically — if you stop for the night, you will take a long rest, you will gain all your health and your spell slots (not that you all have taken much damage) but I can also...if any villagers die will be based on the survival checks that you all make, and there will be a much better chance that no one will die, versus if you continue on, you will lose some of the villagers, but you will maintain the head start that you’ve gotten, which means that you’ll probably...orcs probably won’t find you.

[GROANING AND MUTTERING]

Credence: I’m really glad that I got a proficiency in survival now.

Mara: See I know how Mara the person wants to play this, but I think Ellywick could go, really, either way with this, which kinda sucks. Perks of being chaotic neutral, I guess. So I think… I guess, question one, how are the villagers looking?

Sophie: As I said, they’re not really dressed for this. This wasn’t really an expedition that they were prepared to make, and a lot of them had had their outerwear stripped of them. So they’re looking kind of bad off. Most of them look like they could keep going, although they’d be very miserable, there are some older and some younger folks who don’t look like they’re doing so well, but basically, they’re all looking to you for instruction.

Credence: Okay, should we be… I almost think that, like… Mara, what you said, like, you wanna do versus what Ellywick would do is kind of...there’s some discrepancy there, so I almost feel like it would be better to talk about this in-character…?

Sophie: Yeah, absolutely, I think this is a conversation that needs to happen between characters.

Mara: Ye.

Sophie: Especially because, like I said, your alignment should inform your decisions, but it shouldn’t ever — in my mind — totally restrict your decisions. Because I mentioned in the intro episode, I think, there was literally a Star Wars expanded universe novel where Darth Vader stopped Emperor Palpatine from killing a Twi’lek orphan, and he’s a classic lawful evil character, so like, going against authority and stopping the slaughter of an innocent isn’t really Vader’s MO. And he went on to do more really gruesome things after that, but his gut reaction was still “no.” And there are reasons for that — there are character reasons, because Vader is a very conflicted character. I’m not even gonna say he’s an overly-compelling character, but he is a conflicted character.

[SOFT CHORUS OF AGREEMENTS]

Sophie: So, you know, this decision could be informed… To use Lazza as an example, Lazza’s not a “good” character, Lazza’s a neutral character. Lawful neutral. But if part of Lazza’s code of honor is you’d never leave anyone behind or something like that, then that could inform this. So I want you all to think creatively outside of your alignments, like, “Oh, I don’t know, I’m neutral, ‘cause an evil character would just leave them behind and a good character would maybe stay with them.” You know, a good character in this case might also leave them behind just because, it’s like, “Well, we have to protect as many people as possible, and we have the orcs behind us, and if we stay, we might not survive.” ‘Cause I will say, in the morning, they are gonna notice you’re gone and they’re gonna send people after you. That’s not me as a DM giving you hints or anything, that’s a conclusion your characters have probably made. So I think this is absolutely an in-character discussion, and I am super excited to step back and listen to it!

[CHUCKLING]

Sophie: Sorry about the sniffling, by the way, everyone. We all have colds.

[LAUGHTER AND CONFIRMATIONS]

Ellywick: So… What do we do, guys?

Lazza: Ah… Shit. Well, Ellywick, how many of ‘em are getting too slow to keep up a decent pace?

Ellywick: I… I don’t know…

Lazza: You’re a cleric, right?

Defiance: Um, that would be me, actually.

Lazza: Sorry. Sorry! I just met you guys.

Mara: All magic users look the same to you! [LAUGHING]

Lazza: [EMBARRASSED SPLUTTERING]

Credence: [VERY QUICKLY] #NotAllMagicUsers!

Lazza: Okay, Defiance. How many of these folks can’t keep up a good pace?

Credence: [STAGE WHISPER] Can we do, like, a medicine check or something, DM?

Mara: God, are you there?!

Joe: Yeah, why not? Do you think medicine or perception?

Sophie: I think perception, ‘cause medicine is your ability to heal them.

Joe: True. [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

Mara: Ooh!

Credence: Did you throw a rock?!

Sophie and Mara: You might as well have!

Sophie: It’s a critical miss.

Joe: Wow.

Credence: It’s because you threw a rock.

Ellywick: Um…

Lazza: Okay, so, fuck! At least they’ve got heads!

Defiance: Yeah, I don’t know! They’ve got heads!

Sophie: They seem cold to you, that’s what you got.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE VIOLENTLY]

[PAINED LAUGHTER]

Credence: Did you also roll a critical miss just now?

Mara: I did!

Joe: Holy cow!

Credence: You cannot rely on Lazza here!

Sophie: It’s kind of dark and hard for you to tell.

Mara: Naughty corner!

Credence: Dice shame! Okay, Lazza’s gonna roll perception here. [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Okay, sloppy dice.

[INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLED CROSSTALK]

Joe: You already said we’d kinda notice the fact that people are stumbling.

Sophie: Yeah, but you wanted to know how many are gonna fall behind and stuff like that.

Joe: Oh!

Credence: [ROLLS DICE GENTLY]

Sophie: What’d you get?

Credence: Agh! I’m sorry, I keep getting sloppy dice! [ROLLS DICE GENTLY] Well, I got an 8, which is better than fuckin’ everybody else!

Sophie: It seems to you like there are about maybe a fourth of the people who are so young or so old that they’re having trouble keeping up. That is not to say that you will lose a fourth of them tonight, or something like that, that is just saying that, you know… It is a considerable number of people that are going to be hurting bad if you do it, if you continue on. And I’ll tell you, I’m factoring in — I’ve got, basically, in my head, kind of, with this — factored in the fact that you have a cleric and stuff like that and the cleric, aside from burning actual spell slots, is going to be trying to use cantrips to heal and stuff like that to keep people going. If you want to use spell slots on them, that’s a choice that you have to verbalize to me, and that might change something or whatever, but you will also lose those spell slots. So… I’ve got some of those things that y’all are talking about factored in already.

Lazza: Okay. So it looks like a fourth of them are really struggling.

Ellywick: You know, I don’t think it makes much sense to free all of them from those cages just to let them die out here.

Lazza: Oh, I don’t—! Look… It’s… The path to Northpass Haven is treacherous on its own. We don’t have any supplies. We don’t… We’re gonna lose people. So if we make sure we, I don’t know, get as many people…

Credence: So Lazza’s kind of like, conflicted right now. But she keeps playing with this pouch around her neck where she keeps these stones…

Sophie: Yeah, sure, sure.

Credence: And she’s just kind of… She pauses for a second, and then…

Lazza: What about this — we send the people who are doing the best up ahead. Y’know, the path is hard, but it’s easily marked. They’ll be able to make it. They won’t have to worry too much about tracking it. But what if we send the folks who are doing the best up ahead and we stay back with the folks who are struggling and try to get them on their feet a little bit better, and then, if we get some ~visitors,~ maybe we can get some supplies out of them.

Defiance: [SURPRISED] I don’t think that’s a bad idea, actually! Especially if there’s some way…

Joe: I guess I’m a little bit curious. Since we did free that group of elves, too, do any of them have any knowledge or ability to either track or help us to better hide?

Credence: Or heal?

Sophie: So basically, what I had envisioned for this is that, kind of all of these — even the elves — are civilian elves, basically.

[CROSSTALK]

Joe: Not particularly woodsy?

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. They’re not like… One of them is a barrel maker, and one of them is a potter, and one of them is a carpenter, one is a candlestick maker, yeah, sure. You know, innocuous, everyday jobs that, even in the forest, groups need.

Credence: Okay, well, that aside…

Lazza: So what do you guys think? Ellywick, what do you think? We stay back with the folks, we try to work on getting them on their feet a little bit better, heck, we could even try to backtrack and ambush some of the orcs as they’re coming and trying to look for us. We could get some supplies out of ‘em. I mean...I dunno.

Ellywick: I, ah…

Defiance: Do you know if it’s typical for them to all come at once or to send, first, a scout or two?

Lazza: Well, I mean, each...everybody had their own smaller raiding party. So, you know, there’d be...four to six people.

Credence: Sophie, I’m trying to base this off of what I thought I remember you telling me last time?

Sophie: Yep! Yep!

Credence: But, um, okay…

Lazza: So it’s — and especially with terrain like this, it’s easier to travel quickly in small numbers… As we know here, this isn’t going exactly great. They’ll probably be sending out parties of… I wouldn’t say more than six or seven. Which, if we can get the drop on them, we might be able to get some stuff so we can at least clothe the folks who are struggling the most and give a head start to the folks up the path.

Ellywick: But what happens if the orcs go after some of these people?

Lazza: I mean…

Ellywick: Then they’re even worse off.

Lazza: Well, no shit, Sherlock! But like...being dead sucks!

[SOFT SNICKERING]

Defiance: The general idea, if I understand you correctly, Lazza — either way, if the orcs went toward the healthier people, they’ll find us first, and they’d have to get past us.

Lazza: Exactly. [STAMMERING] We give, we give ‘em a jump start and we can focus on hiding these folks who are struggling, try and get ‘em a bit better, and-and hopefully, by-by-by ambushing these guys, we can, you know, we can get some clothes, at least, for ‘em.

Ellywick: Alright. We can try it.

Defiance: If we can at least give the weaker amongst them a bit more rest, perhaps I can try to heal some of them, or at least give them some sort of medical attention… Mayhaps they’ll become just strong enough to eventually catch up with everyone else.

Ellywick: I can help a little with the healing too.

Defiance: [PLEASANTLY] Oh! That’d be much appreciated.

Lazza: [ENTHUSIASTICALLY] And I can carry at least, like, two kids! So, like…!

[LAUGHTER]

Ellywick: You do that!

[INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Hello everyone! Welcome to the middle of the show! My name is Sophie Lastnameredacted and I am here with...the ads! Sorry.

So we don’t have anyone who’s taken out an ad on the show yet, which is totally fine, but I just wanted to remind everyone that we are offering ad slots starting at just $5/episode. These are some great opportunities to get your book or online shop or podcast or whatever you want immortalized.

I also want to talk to you all about our Patreon. The link is on your cover art, and we have reward levels starting at just $1/month, and it would really help us out if you could donate, because, actually, we are considering going weekly with our episodes! And it would really help to have a little bit of financial assistance in doing that. That’s a really big undertaking, and it’s gonna take a lot of work from the people doing the transcripts and the person editing the audio — me — and that would be a huge help if you would consider supporting us! I’ve mentioned in previous episodes what the rewards are, and I’m sure I’ll talk about it again eventually, but right now, I just want to keep it brief as I can for this episode, ‘cause there’s some cool stuff coming up that I really want y’all to get to!

I wanted to take a moment to thank Acqua Toffana, our current only Patron, thank you so much! I also wanted to remind everyone that if you Tweet about the show using the hashtag #DungeonsAndQueers, you might get an NPC named after you. We’ve got some NPCs, not so much in this episode, but coming up in the upcoming episodes, that are named after some people who Tweeted about the show that are probably gonna become pretty big parts of the campaign! As long as the characters don’t go murder-hobo on them. We really appreciate your support, we would appreciate it if you could tell at least one friend about us this week, because we did not have the money to advertise, so if this is gonna take of, it’s gonna be by word of mouth.

I also wanted to mention real quick — I mentioned transcripts earlier, and if you’re interested in helping us continue to make this podcast d/Deaf-accessible, then join us and become part of our transcription program! You’ll get access to early episodes and a bunch of other cool stuff — well, I shouldn’t say “a bunch of other cool stuff” — you’ll get access to early episodes, and you’ll get my eternal gratitude and you’ll be part of our little group that’s working on it. It’ll be really cool and fun, and you’ll be part of, you know, making media for people who communicate a little bit differently, which is always an excellent thing.

I also want to give a shout-out to kenwaylights, who is transcribing this audio right now. I am eternally grateful for you, you are absolutely the best, and I just want everyone to know how amazing you are.

I think that’s everything that I wanted to get through! Next episode might be up next week, depending on how quick we can get through ‘em. We’re gonna do a little bit of experimenting and try going weekly with our episodes for a little bit and see if that works, see if it’s doable for us. If we do decide to do that, there may come weeks where we occasionally skip uploading an episode, and I’ll try to let y’all know on Twitter when that happens. It’ll generally be around things like exams and stuff like that. But right now, we have a pretty big back-catalogue. As I’m editing this audio and everything, we’re actually already into the second arc of the show, which is really exciting! But I want to get these episodes out there so people can listen to them, and hopefully support our show!

So, yeah! Just thanks a million, and I hope you’re enjoying this content… Ooh! And one more thing that I wanted to mention — so, generally speaking, in Dungeons & Dragons, when adventurers go adventuring, they’re not necessarily fleeing captors, they are going into dungeons and finding loot and things like that. And, you know, certainly we’ve had an unconventional start to this podcast, and I’m not gonna necessarily say that the rest of the podcast is gonna be totally conventional, but I will say that there are gonna be times where I want loot for them to be able to find! And I think that having them find 100 gold pieces or whatever is useful in utility, but I don’t think it’s as interesting from a storytelling standpoint. So that’ll certainly happen, but I also wanna lay down really cool magic items and artifacts for them to come across at various points in time.

So if you’ve got a favorite magical item in D&D, whether or not it’s a homebrewed item, send it to us by email or on Twitter or whatever! Just email or Tweet at us! And it might very well end up in the show! I’ve got an interesting mechanic that I think is gonna be, maybe, introduced at the end of the second arc, maybe? In between the second and third arc as far as a way for the players to pick some of their own magic items and stuff that they wanna buy, because I don’t wanna make it too accessible within the story where it doesn’t make sense, but I think that part of the fun of D&D is having really cool, useful, and sometimes a little bit broken, items that enrich the story. So if you could help us out with that, please please please, it would mean so much. We’ve already gotten a few suggestions on Twitter, but if you’ve got more, please send them to us.

So thanks a lot for listening, next episode will hopefully be up next week and...don’t date your best friend’s dad and don’t date your dad’s best friend? No, that’s the wrong podcast! I will talk to y’all later! Bye!

[END INTERMISSION — INTERLUDING THEME MUSIC]

Sophie: Okay, so explain to me, in a sentence, what you all are doing.

Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back for a long rest with the people who are not doing quite as well.

Sophie: Oookay! Take a long rest. Cool.

Mara: Can you give me back my pencil that you absconded with?

Sophie: This was from my backpack…

Mara: Oh! Someone absconded with my pencil! Hmm. Oh! Never mind.

Credence: I feel like Lazza is looking kind of pleased with herself at this point. ‘Cause, like, last time her plan wasn’t great, and it seems like this plan was a little bit better?

Sophie: Yeah, she completely sidestepped my moral quandary, so.

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: That’s what you do when you’re Lawful Neutral!

Sophie: Yeah, well.

Credence: Um, uh… I was gonna ask something, and now it’s just gone. Never mind. Oh, actually, yeah! How are the villagers reacting to Lazza at this point?

Sophie: I think they’re… I think that a good deal of them are trying to keep a healthy distance, but a lot of them are probably looking at you with more confusion than with outright fear. I… You know, more confusion than outright fear, and they’re not like...it’s kinda like Defiance’s situation, where they’re not thrilled about you, but in this instance, they’re glad you’re here. Do you know what I’m saying? Does that make sense?

Credence: Mhmm.

Sophie: Like, you’ve kind of proven yourself to them.

Credence: So, do we need to roll, like, survival stuff to see if we can keep— Well, okay, first of all… Mara, Joe, do you think it’s better for us to have them...like, should we find a place just off the path a little bit where we can hide them?

Joe: Yeah, I think so.

Credence: And then we can rest and kind of patrol the path.

Mara: Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

Credence: Okay, I’m gonna roll — hold on. Would investigation or survival…?

Sophie: I think, um… Survival, we’ll say.

Credence: To, like, find a good spot and see how many survived, or do we do separate rolls?

Sophie: Um...no, I think just one is fine.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: ‘Cause your survival is going to be, in this case, dependent on your ability to find a place.

Credence: Right. [ROLLS DICE] Uh… Well, that’s gonna be a 16. It’s not terrible.

Sophie: Okay! Yeah, you are able to find a...it’s not super well-hidden or anything, so it’s not really a place you can stay, but you’re able to find a cave, and hole up in there for the night. And I think with a 16, you said?

Credence: Yes.

Sophie: I think with a 16, I’m gonna say none of the villagers die that night, but they’re not magically energized in the morning or whatever. Like, this did them well, and you didn’t lose anyone, but a good night’s rest wasn’t exactly had by all, and even if it had it wouldn’t have been...these people probably need days to recover.

Joe: Does it aid at all if I use a medicine check?

Sophie: I was kind of factoring in that you would make a medicine check, but if you want to make a medicine check, that’s fine.

Credence: Well, and like, I mean, they’ve got better rolling for that than just me doing one survival check.

Joe: [ROLLS DICE] I got a 24.

Credence: HOLY SHIT.

Joe: [FUNNY VOICE] I rolled good!

Sophie: I think with a 24, you… Again, with a roll that good, they’re better off in the morning than they were, but again, this is putting a Band-Aid on a pretty big cut in this metaphor.

Joe: Before the long rest, would it be possible that maybe I can make an assessment and see who’s the worst off and use cure wounds?

Sophie: Again, I think with these people, part of the problem is they’re young and old, and that’s not really a condition that you can alleviate.

Joe: Gotcha. Okay.

Credence: It’s exposure, like, there’s no wounds. It’s just…

Sophie: Yeah, exactly. Mmkay, actually, so… You’ve got about 30 of the villagers go on, and about 10 of them stay with you, including Kenway. And… [HUMS TO SELF IN THOUGHT] Yeah! So now you all are taking a long rest; you regain any spell slots you spent, everybody’s up to full health, and we are gonna take some time to have some conversations. Is there any conversation that y’all wanna have with each other, or…? If you say no, that’s fine, I’m not expecting you to say certain things or whatever, it’s just that this is an opportunity to get to know each other if that’s what you think your characters would attempt to do.

Mara: I think Ellywick probably wants to try and figure out Lazza, at least a little bit, ‘cause like...it doesn’t really make sense, you know?

Ellywick: So, not to be rude here, but um...you seemed like you were pretty good buddies with those orcs back at the keep, there… Why are you running away?

Credence: So I’m picturing them, they’re kinda sitting around the fire, and Lazza was maybe kinda sitting off by herself before Ellywick came to join her.

Mara: Probably, yeah.

Credence: And she’s got the stones that were in her little pouch, she’s got them out in her hand now and is rubbing them together.

Lazza: Look, the point is, I got you out of that mess. What more is there to it?

Ellywick: Well, I’m a sucker for a good story, and that seems like a pretty interesting story. If you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s fine, but...I dunno, we’re sitting here, so you might as well tell me.

Mara: Should I roll, like, a persuasion or something?

Sophie: Ah, if Credence thinks you need to.

Credence: Uh… You know what? Yeah, I think you do.

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Oh no, you’re gonna let the bard roll persuasion.

Credence: Well, what am I— Would this be a contest, DM, against my…?

Sophie: Yeah… We’ll say it’s a persuasion versus a wisdom check. Not a saving throw, just a check.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: [ROLLS DICE, PAUSES, BURSTS INTO RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Joe: Ooohh…

Credence: Oh no. What?

Mara: Nat 20, so…

Credence: Yeah, that’s not going anywhere!

Mara: 25 when you add in my modifier, so…

Credence: Yeah, no, no. I get it.

Lazza: Well, I was born in a cabin, and…

[EVERYONE BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]

Credence: No, no.

Joe: Entirety of my life story.

Mara: Right?

Lazza: Well, I’m glad you asked. So…

Mara: Breaks out into a big musical number. Ellywick’s, like, entranced.

Credence: [SINGING A TUNE] No. I think Lazza just is staring into her hand for a second.

Lazza: Look, I know it’s easy to think that all orcs just act like that, but I just… I couldn’t do it anymore.

Ellywick: Well, why’d you do it in the first place?

Lazza: I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

Ellywick: I can understand that. Well, uh… I’m glad you made the right choice, Lazza.

Lazza: Yeah. Well, we’ll see. We might get killed in a lot worse ways. I think… I think I’m glad I made the choice, too.

Mara: I think Ellywick kinda takes out their sword and leans on it, and is like, “Well, I’ve got this bad boy over here, so, ah…” [CLICKS TONGUE RHYTHMICALLY]

Lazza: Yeah, you also have the ability to make somebody fall over in hysterical laughter, which, by the way, that was fucking terrifying! And I think I should let you know, I don��t really trust you! So…!

Ellywick: [NONCHALANTLY] Eh, don’t worry about it! I won’t use it on you unless you piss me off!

Mara: And they kinda grin up at you.

Sophie: I don’t think Lazza’s comforted by that…

[LAUGHTER]

Mara: Probably not!

Credence: Lazza just kind of closes her fist around those stones and puts it back into the little po— the little satchel, and, like, very, very intentionally walks across to the other side of the fire…

Mara: I think…

Credence: ...and lies down very far away.

Mara: I think Ellywick knows about the “gnomes will steal your teeth in your sleep” or the “gnomes will steal your teeth” superstition, and they kinda call after Lazza—

Ellywick: Be sure to watch your teeth tonight!

Mara: And they don’t mean it at all, they’re just fuckin’ with Lazza at this point. Just a little mischievous shit.

Sophie: Just an awful person.

Joe: Christ…

Credence: Lazza, like, doesn’t say anything, but she...purposefully pulls her axe closer to her, like she’s holding it like a stuffed animal…

[ERUPTION OF LAUGHTER]

Mara: Great. Yes. Good.

Joe: I sorta think that, like, if this were a video game, a little thing would pop up in one of the upper corners saying, like, “Lazza will remember that.”

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: Lazza will not forget that. Um, thank you, that was a wonderful interaction.

Mara: Oh, yeah, yeah. [GIGGLING]

Credence: I don’t know, is there anything… I think… It’s not because I don’t want our characters to get to know each other, it’s just like, Lazza’s not...particularly, after having just done this escape thing, and like, now being responsible for her ex-captives’ safety, I think she’s just kind of… She’s not in a sharing mood.

Joe: Right. I think for their part, Defiance is...pretty busy with trying to tend to all of the people. It’s not so much that they’re ignoring anybody, they’re kind of making themselves busy.

Mara: I, um… I think Ellywick can kinda tell that — and after that conversation with Lazza — I think they can kinda tell that, like, Defiance is obviously busy and doesn’t wanna talk, and Lazza really doesn’t wanna talk, and Ellywick’s okay with that. But I think they kinda just take out their pan flute that they were able to conceal on them, and they sigh sadly, and they go…

Ellywick: Well, it’s not Tania’s lute, but I’ll go back for that someday.

Mara: And they kinda glance off into the distance and they have this little murderous glint in their eye because it’s their goddamn favorite lute. But they take out their pan flute and just start playing some songs.

Sophie: Yeah! Um, before you start playing, you hear a voice from behind you meekly say…

Kenway: What’s a lute?

Ellywick: You don’t know what a lute is?

Kenway: No. I’ve never seen one before.

Ellywick: It’s a, uh…

Credence: Who’s talking?! I’m sorry.

Sophie: Kenway.

Credence: Okay.

Mara: I think Ellywick… I have to stop saying “I think” before every goddamn sentence! Ellywick takes out a stick and kinda draws in the dirt the outline of a lute and then the strings and everything and goes…

Ellywick: It’s a musical instrument, and this one was pretty special. It was given to me by a fae queen who I spent some time with.

Sophie: Yeah, I think Kenway kinda sits down next to you, and says…

Kenway: Well, I know what it’s like to have things you don’t want to lose.

Ellywick: Oh yeah? Why’s that?

Kenway: Well, I… I’m not an adventurer, and I’m just a kid, but you’re a bard, and your lute helps you do magic and stuff like that and it protects you, and you protect it. And I’ve got something similar.

Ellywick: What is it?

Sophie: He kinda looks around and then, kinda satisfied that no one else is really paying attention or around, he pulls out this large gold coin that doesn’t really have the mark of any currency you’ve ever seen on it; it’s not just a gold piece, it’s...akin to how you might look at a silver dollar now, where...you could probably get something for that, but nobody really uses it as money.

Mara: Mm.

Sophie: You know what I mean? And he says…

Kenway: Well, this was my dad’s, and he gave it to me before he died. He told me that as long as I have it, it would keep me safe. And things haven’t been perfect, but...when I look at what’s happened here, I have to believe that this thing is keeping me safe and got me rescued and got y’all not to leave me behind.

Mara: Ellywick kinda smiles and puts their arm around Kenway’s shoulders and is like…

Ellywick: Well, I’m glad you have that coin there.

Sophie: So I think Lazza actually sleeps uneasy, just because she was hoping to have some sort of contact with her ancestors by having this big, important thing.

Credence: Right. Also I think we’re taking turns doing the watch and stuff.

Sophie: Yeah, yeah. And as Ellywick is by the fire, gently playing the pan flute, Lazza kind of drifts off to sleep, and…

Mara: Joke’s on her, Ellywick’s bewitching them! No. [GIGGLES]

Sophie: So as Ellywick is playing the lute—

Mara: [FAKE-ANGRILY] PAN FLUTE.

Sophie: Pan flute, pardon me…

Mara: They don’t HAVE their lute!

Sophie: No they don’t.

Mara: Wonder who did that.

Sophie: Yeah, well… Probably God. So, Ellywick is playing their pan flute and Lazza is drifting off to sleep, and actually, in your restless dreams that night, Lazza, you hear the pan flute in your dreams, which is probably unsettling. But actually, at one point, and I think probably Lazza doesn’t know her musical instruments very well, but at some point, it changes.

[GENTLE HARP MUSIC]

Sophie: Instead of the light, airy sound of a pan flute, it turns into this beautiful, melodic strumming noise, and it sounds like strings being plucked. And it’s harp music. And the dream suddenly becomes very vivid. You don’t really see much of anything, it’s mostly colors and shapes and feelings, and you hear this harp music, and in the midst of this vision, you hear voices whispering… This cacophony of different voices, which, normally, I think when you hear your ancestors, it’s maybe two or three voices intermixed, very few, but this is all your ancestors are all reaching out to you at once with one phrase, three words.

“Trust the harper.”

Credence: This is really cool…!

[LAUGHTER]

Credence: But wouldn’t it be “harpist”…?

Sophie: Nope.

Credence: Okay.

Sophie: “Trust the harper.” The voices swell a little bit, and maybe you hear one voice in particular that’s like, [VICIOUSLY] “Trust the harper!” And you wake up with a start.

Lazza: Ah!

Sophie: And Ellywick is still playing the pan flute, and I think…

Mara: I think they kind of look over, though, like…

Sophie: Yeah, like, Ellywick stopped playing the pan flute and is like, “You okay?”

[LAUGHTER]

Lazza: What the hell is a “harper”?!

Ellywick: You know, I’m not too familiar with harps. That’s not my bag. But I think a harper is someone who makes the harps.

Lazza: [GROGGILY] Okay… I’m gonna go scout for a little bit.

Credence: I think Lazza wants to get away from this music as quickly as she can, ‘cause she’s a little disconcerted that something that felt like it was involving her ancestors got mixed up in the music of a bard. ‘Cause now she’s not sure if she was bewitched or not, I guess.

Sophie: Okay! Sure.

Ellywick: Have a good patrol!

Lazza: [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER]

[OUTRO — THEME MUSIC]

#DnD #dnd 5e

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maxwellmmeyers · 7 years ago

Text

You Can Spend It All

Wow.

I don't know why it surprises me when I see articles on how people can't manage to survive on $100k income or more.

I've been writing on this issue for years so you would think I'd be numb to it by now.

But every time they come around, I shake my head like it was the first time I've ever heard stories like these.

And they always seem to come in bunches -- so I have a few to share today.

We'll begin with this couple who makes $100k and says they don't ever expect to retire:

Theresa Sahhar and her husband make a combined $100,000, which is nearly double the median annual income in the United States.

They live in Olathe, Kansas, where the cost of living is "pretty reasonable," Sahhar told NPR's Lulu Garcia-Navarro during a segment on living on $100,000 a year. Still, they're "struggling to make enough money to do all the things that we normally do."

I don't need to go any farther into the article to know that these people are spending way too much.

I've been to Olathe, Kansas several times and it's not that expensive -- 5% above the average US location according to Best Places.

At the same time, as mentioned, $100k is twice the average income.

If you make twice what most people make and live in an average cost-of-living city, you have some BIG expense outflows in some area.

But we'll get to that in a minute. For now, let's move on to later in that article where it says:

They aren't the only residents earning six figures and struggling to set aside money for retirement, college and other major expenses. Some living in the area who earn $100,000 "are living paycheck to paycheck," the Post reports, and even families earning up to $250,000 "don't consider themselves to be high-earners."

My goodness. Not higher earners at $250k?

On to the next article. Here's a couple making $180k per year who don't feel like they are doing well:

On the income distribution charts at the center of tax overhaul plans, Courtney Mishoe knows she’s doing well. She works as a tax manager at a firm in the Atlanta suburbs. Her husband is a police officer. Together, they make more than $180,000 a year. They are solidly in the upper middle class. But they have a mortgage and three kids, including one in day care and another in high school with plans to go to college. It all adds up. They depend on tax deductions to make their budget work.

“I don’t feel wealthy,” Mishoe said. “I don’t have a bunch of money stashed away anywhere.”

They depend on tax deductions to make their budget work? Really?

Things are that tight on earnings of $180k?

And yet it gets worse.

If you think you can stomach it you can watch this on YouTube.

It's a boo-hoo interview with a writer who talks about how hard it is to make things work financially.

He admits that he's made some bad financial decisions including:

Choosing to be a writer (low income)

Choosing to live in NYC (in the Hamptons -- high cost-of-living)

Choosing to have two children and send them to expensive colleges (expensive colleges can kill!)

Uh, yeah. Those things do impact your finances!

But then he doesn't really take responsibility saying, "But those choices are what I call life."

No, they are not simply "life". It isn't life to live in a resort area, high tax state, and send your kids to Harvard and Stanford.

BTW, he never gives his income but I don't think he's a starving writer. My guess is that he "only" makes $100k or so.

Towards the end of the piece he quotes USA Today as saying that a "middle class existence would cost $130,000 a year."

He then goes on to say that most people make $50k, so there's the problem.

But that's not what USA Today said. (I can't believe he as a writer or PBS as the interviewer didn't fact check this.)

They said the cost of the "American Dream" is $130k:

In fact, three-quarters of Americans polled by the Brookings Institution in 2008 said the dream was harder to attain.

They're right to worry. An analysis by USA TODAY shows that living the American dream would cost the average family of four about $130,000 a year. Only 16 million U.S. households — around 1 in 8 — earned that much in 2013, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

They basically make a bunch of over-priced assumptions (more than I've ever paid in almost every category) to "prove" that it takes $130k to make the American Dream work.

I'm thinking there's an agenda here...but we move on.

The video above is an interview with the writer who is covered in this Atlantic piece.

If you read far into that article you'll find this:

Lusardi, Tufano, and Schneider found that nearly one-quarter of households making $100,000 to $150,000 a year claim not to be able to raise $2,000 in a month.

It also states this -- which I can agree with 100%:

Basically, a good many Americans are “financially illiterate,” and this illiteracy correlates highly with financial distress. A 2011 study she and a colleague conducted measuring knowledge of fundamental financial principles (compound interest, risk diversification, and the effects of inflation) found that 65 percent of Americans ages 25 to 65 were financial illiterates.

Then there's this piece from NPR about what it's like to live on $100k. A summary:

NPR's Lulu Garcia-Navarro spoke to a variety of people in different cities about what their lives look like on $100,000 a year. On paper, that kind of salary is considered well-off. But as we heard from many, it often takes just one major expense for that to not feel like enough: student loans, health care, childcare or housing costs.

They try to make a good story but when you read between the lines you see "credit card debt" and high cost-of-living cities.

But hold on to your hats. We're about to take this to a whole new level!

Check out this post:

Vanamee consulted experts to estimate the "happiness number" for a hypothetical, wealthy, non-working couple in their 40s with two teenage kids in an expensive private school in New York City. They live in a parkside Fifth Avenue apartment, buy art, take private jets, donate to charity, and have a household staff — a chef, a driver, and a housekeeper — plus two vacation homes. They're also setting aside $25 million for each child to inherit.

An analyst from US Trust cited in the Town & Country report estimated the hypothetical couple would need to have a net worth of $190 million to sustain this lifestyle.

Of course! I know I certainly wouldn't be able to be "happy" on anything less than $190 million!

Are these people real???!!!

As you might imagine, I have a lot to say about these stories:

No matter how much you make, you can spend it all. We've seen athletes, musicians, actors, and others who have made multiple millions go bankrupt, so there's no amount where you can't spend it all.

The main problem: no financial discipline. And discipline, discipline, discipline, discipline is vital to financial success.

Living in a high cost-of-living city is a killer. If you make a given income, it's so much better to live in a place where costs are 20% to 50% lower, right?

Many will say that incomes are higher in higher-cost areas. Some incomes are higher, but if you look at the numbers you'll see that the higher incomes don't offset the higher costs http://www.freemoneyfinance.com/2006/09/move_save_money.html.

If you really want to become wealthy, the best bet is to earn a high salary in a low cost-of-living market. This has been talked about in detail by financial bloggers at ESI Money and Physician on Fire.

In the end, the fact that someone can't make it on $100k, $180k, or $190 million isn't an earning problem, but a spending problem.

I want to close with a quote from a podcast interview I heard recently with Jonathan Clements, a personal finance journalist and writer for the Wall Street Journal, and one of the few financial writers who IMO actually knows what he's talking about.

In the interview he's asked, "What’s the most important thing that you’ve learned since you’ve started writing about personal finance?"

His reply:

It sounds ridiculously simple, but the one lesson that’s been driven home to me year after year, is the importance of being a good saver, everything else is secondary. Over the years, both when I was at the Wall Street Journal, when I was at Citigroup and even now, I’ve spoken to thousands of every day investors who have accumulated seven figure portfolios. Many of them have modest incomes, most of them were mediocre investors but almost all of them shared one attribute in common, they were extremely frugal, otherwise known as cheap.

The way they achieved financial success was living way beneath their means and saving great gobs of money every month. If you wanna be financially successful, it is indeed as simple as that, everything else is gravy. If you have great savings habits, you could afford to buy advantage funds. I wouldn’t suggest you do it but you could take that risk and end up with market lagging returns. You can pay too much to a financial advisor and you’ll still be fine. If you have great savings habits, good things are gonna happen, everything else is gravy.

So true. Because the fact is that without saving, you can simply spend all you make -- even if you make a fortune.

from Money 101 http://www.freemoneyfinance.com/2018/03/you-can-spend-it-all.html via http://www.rssmix.com/

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