#i myself am only MODERATELY INSANE and i have NO IDEA how

[creekfiend]

I'm soooooo tired of living like this I need competent medical care I NEED CARE. HELLO????? I'M SO FUCKING TIRED!!!!!!!!! SCREAM

[mothippie]

Ok so I am more awake and I am insane and need to BARK about how much potential this game had and how it was completely fucked by the staff and how they chose to run it

Keep in mind, I was a player from ~2013 -> ~2020 (on and off towards the end) and I was giving them money almost the entire time (buying apples and such)

Where do I even start...

Let's start with the staff I guess since that was my biggest issue.

There was one question in particular that if you asked, a mod would just either completely stop talking to you or altogether keep ignoring you.

"Can mods see our dms?"

We were kids, we were sharing private stuff on the game since it was a bannable offense to take things off the platform. I remember someone confiding in me about some very personal stuff, and it was fine until I started to wonder if I wasnt the only one able to see it.

But if you ASKED any of the mods if your dms were visible, they would completely ignore you. When I was younger it felt like maybe it was a coincidence but the older myself and other players got, the more clear it became that it was a 90% chance that SOMEONE could see our dms.

It was most likely the best way to catch people breaking the rules in dms. There was a hard stop no nsfw rule (for good reason) but it was known that people took it to dms.

But here was also a 10% chance that they couldnt see the dms and didnt want to disclose it and make players realize they could do whatever they wanted in dms. Either was it was one of the most frustrating things to have to try and figure out because there was simply no straight answers. It made a lot of the players I knew incredibly anxious to say anything at all, even things that wouldn't break the rules, because it felt like there was no privacy at all.

Another thing was the rule that made it to where you were only allowed to speak english in the chat, even if others understood you. If the MODS didnt speak the language, then it was a hard no. I witnessed it a lot with spanish speakers and some russian. On one hand I can understand this, they have to be able to moderate the chat, but it very much felt like there could be another way other than outright alienating people who may not speak English.

Another one was that the mods opinions 100% swayed everyone else, and it was a huge issue in the suggestion forums. I remember suggesting multiple things, some well recieved, some well received UNTIL a mod showed up- then suddenly no one thought it was a good idea.

I was a kid so 100% some of my ideas were just shit but I was not the only one that noticed this switch. The more aware I became when it came to favoritism, the more I started slipping away from the game.

I remember I had suggested a pregnancy terminating Item due to space in dens being a huge issue. If you ran out of space and your wolf gave birth, the puppies would run away or something. I saw a lot of people around me realize they had a chance to breed with a really high rarity male but they would lose the chance because they had also just bred another wolf and they would have no time to chase away the puppies.

I was told that my suggestion was too political.

My suggestion for a fictional puppy pregnancy ender was too political and was in the end the fault of the player for not planning ahead- and it received horrible downvotes only after the mod said that.

I hope it doesnt come off like I mald over this daily, this was a game I loved for 7 years that I am still sad over not playing anymore due to the shitty management.

Another thing, and the last of the big things for me, was how you could only get commissions through game currency and no matter how many people suggested it- the admin herself would tell the players that it just wasnt going to happen.

The reason? They didnt want to "be liable" for scams.

Not only is that not how it worked, but scams were rampant on the games WITH the currency because there was no way to invoice players. I was scammed multiple times, drawing entire full things for people only to be never paid and ghosted as they spoke to people publically. Nothing was ever done when I reported it.

But the people who did pay paid GOOD, and I was not the only person who wanted to be allowed to use PayPal- commissioners ALSO wanted to use paypal.

Now onto the smaller stuff ig? For a game that had a lot of queer people, queer suggestions were just not reciprocated well at all. Take Wolvden for example: you can have same sex couples and all that and it's literally fine.

But suggesting that to the players would get a bunch of "that isnt realistic" "it would break the immersion"

Hate to break it to the pack lovers but alpha, beta, and omega roles arent real either. Let the wolves be gay.

There was a roleplaying section on the site itself outside of dms but barely anyone used it.

There was one place for roleplay that had nothing to do with wolves at all, a fantasy one, and a realistic one if I remember correctly? I may be wrong but I think there was also a section basically for out of character comments but I could definitely be wrong. I DO know however that if you did anything like

Reply reply reply reply

(Here is an out of character example at the bottom of a reply)

You had your ass chewed out. A mod would come in, interrupt the flow of the multiple roleplay happening in one chat, and tell you off for it. It was insane.

So most players moved to dms because then they could ask questions and coordinate with their roleplay partner 10x better.

The final thing I can think of right now is how absolutely shitty the wolf design options got as they ran out of ideas. Base coats that literally worked with little to no markings at all because they were ALREADY completely covered in markings. New base coats were added that basically no one wanted or used because they were so hideous.

And the game art has not been updated for the wolves, and NONE of it matches as it seems it was all done by different artists. I knew almost no one who used the beta female pose because it would make your wolf look like a solid brick. The most popular poses was the alpha male/female, and the beta male. Because they looked the most like wolves and mostly matched.

But all the new clothing items do not match AT ALL.

Anyways that's my rant. I think the game could be been today's wolvden if they just werent so thick skulled and hellbent on remaining in the early 2000's- but hey! Wolvden is so much more fun and so much more welcoming and inclusive and friendly than Wolfplay ever will be lol

Late night posting goes here too

Did anyone else play an online game called Wolfplay

I was ADDICTED to it as a kid, I easily gave them hundreds in the money I managed to earn as a kid. I specifically worked for family to get wolfplay money

[homeiswherethewitchcraftis]

I clicked ur blog initially b/c I saw you rebloging some aesthetic pictures and that ur blog was witchy. Read some of ur post and I see ur a tradwife. most of you guys I’ve seen online have been pretty hateful, (extremists, far-right, and usually a terf) so I normally just ignore the stuff I see but I was curious if you could explain to me how you view this stuff since you don’t seem to be the things I’ve listed above for the most part. /gen

(Not trying to be rude just curious)

Well thank you for asking instead of just sending hate/ threats like most people who come to my blog thinking it's just trees and witchcraft and are "disappointed " to realize I hold opinions the disagree with lol.

I am not a tradwife, I am tradfem I no longer consider myself a traditional wife because I unfortunately have gotten a divorce in the last year. I still discuss tradwives, traditional gender roles and the lifestyle because it is important to me.

While there may be hateful people in trad circles they (like in most groups) are the minority. Most people who consider themselves trad just want to live as traditionally as possible they believe in traditional gender roles and often simple living. Many traditional people want to return to more sustainable lifestyles things like homesteading or just growing a "victory garden " etc. Many trad women feel we face to much pressure to leave our children and work outside the home even when not needed and that this pressure is detrimental to women, children and communities.

As for myself I believe traditional gender roles are based on natural roles. I have been pressured and bullied for this and for wanting to stay home with my kids. I'm not going to speak for everyone who uses these labels just myself and what I've seen from these communities both on and offline.

Most Trad people are right leaning politically unfortunately in today's political climate being moderately right leaning is considered "extremists " so forgive me if I do not take that claim very seriously.

Additionally there is an array of different political opinions and beliefs that are considered right leaning. Not all Trad people would consider themselves conservative some like my self are libertarian for example.

As for the claim that Trad women are terfs that makes no sense. Terf stands for trans exclusionary Radical feminist, most Trad women aren't feminists especially not Radical feminists. Again this is not a claim I take seriously simply because it is used to describe any criticism of a trans individual or of trans activism.

Personally I have no issues with trans individuals who are decent people I may disagree with them but I don't hate them and at the end of the day grown adults can do what they want with their bodies.

I have plenty of issues with trans activism and the response to it I our society .

The idea that small children can decide to be the opposite gender is insane to me considering kids at those ages still pretend to be dogs and dragons. This has also led to parents losing custody and false claims of abuse against parents who do not affirm these kids feelings which is a major issue. Schools going against parents and even pushing children and teens towards lgbt labels especially trans labels is an issue.

There is no safe way to stop puberty the harm caused by puberty blockers is long lasting and not openly discussed due to the nature of trans activism. Also it's not discrimination to not sleep with or want to sleep with a trans person. Women don't need to feel safe have males in their female only spaces. And most importantly Valid criticisms and genuine concerns are not hate.

I hope I've addressed your questions and I hope you feel free to ask more message me for clarification or to discuss further I am happy to do so However I may not get to your messages or asks quickly as I am working and dealing with the after math of hurricane Ian. ected please help out your neighbors.

[fratboykate]

ok so basically i need advice. my girlfriend (who i have been dating for 6 years i promise this is relevant) just turned 26, i’m 32. and at the very end of 2020/start 2021 she started to gain a lot of success. like ungodly amounts of success. pre pandemic she worked for the UN (she still does but is transitioning out) but in 2020 she went back to school to get a degree (she’s in 2nd year now) she started 2 companies which are both successful, one only moderately but the other one absolutely took off in august last year and became one of the top companies in our country as well as ranking on several lists for humane working conditions. she taught herself to code, built an app which made the apple editors list all in less than 5 months, she speaks so many languages it’s insane. she signed a book deal. she started 2 charities, one that pairs with universities and colleges in our local area to retrain houseless people and partners with local businesses to give them guaranteed 6-8 month job contracts as well as using the money from her app to buy a building and house as many of them as possible. it works. the second is a basically single handedly solving the food scarcity problem in our area and surrounding counties. last week i found out she started teaching herself bengali so she’d be able to talk to my parents. she went on an insane fitness journey, lost weight and got jacked and just last month got selected for the national team for a sport she had never even played before january but took up during lockdown, they’re pretty sure she’ll make the olympic team next year. and she still is the most amazing girlfriend, she’s never dropped the ball on our relationship even once, even though i have no idea how she finds enough hours in the day for everything. and i find myself being unable to be happy for her because i’m jealous of her success. the girl goes to class, goes to work and literally is changing the world for thousands of people every single day and i’m just there like “today at work i managed to not cry also i took a shower” and she is genuinely happy for me every time. she kisses me, makes me dinner and listens to me eagerly as i tell her about the job i have that i hate and is genuinely happy that i took a shower or that i took a nice walk like she didn’t just spend 13 hours literally changing the world. when people ask me if i’m proud of her i have to just awkwardly laugh because i think i’m too jealous to be proud. she asked me to move in with her last month (we basically live together anyway) but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i don’t want to be reminded of the success i haven’t achieved (she’s not in any way flashy, the opposite actually she gives away most of her wealth and actually downgraded flats after success, i just find myself thinking about it more and more). am i a terrible person?

I'm going to say something that may sound absurdly simple given the length of your message and you incredibly detailed you were (which btw thank you I appreciate you being so open with me) but I promise I'm not being facetious. This is genuinely the single best piece of advice I can give you: I think you need therapy. Potentially couple's therapy but start with solo therapy and go from there. I'm no expert but it seems to me like you're severely depressed and that's only something a professional can help you navigate. There might be some other issues feeding the jealousy but it might also just be that your depression has you stuck and once you solve that problem you can gain momentum in your own life in a way that would leave no room for jealousy of her success. So yeah, that's my honest advice.

Another thing I would say is, she sounds like an amazing girlfriend so maybe a conversation with her explaining things the way you explained them to me wouldn't hurt. Open communication is better than letting things fester. She asked you to move in with her. She clearly sees a future with you so be honest with her about where your head is at. If therapy isn't something you could afford on your own then maybe opening up to her would mean she could help in some way given her success. It would ultimately benefit you both in the long run. Idk. I just think therapy is at the very center of your solution. Everything else will stem from there.

[maxemmylian]

Bilingual - Fred Weasley

Welcome to my next Fred blurb!  This one was requested by anon and I’ve never written anything like it so I thought I’d give it a go.

Enjoy!

word count: 2,338

On a particularly sunny day, you sat on the ground with your legs crossed and a book in your lap, reading over your Potions content for the next exam you had coming up in just a few short days.  Silently, as you flipped the pages of you book so slowly, a snake you had come to know well, and would almost consider your pet, slithered up your arm and back down as slow as could be.

You didn’t mind it.  The feeling of the scales on your skin was once intimidating, but it had become like a second nature to you over time.  In fact, you found yourself missing the sensation on occasion when the snake, or any snake, really, was not there.  It was a foreign feeling you were no longer used to.  

As you sat alone, you were fully aware of the looks you were getting from the passing students.  You were beyond used to it by now.  After all, what fifteen-year-old student walked around with dangerous creatures on their arm?  After the fiasco in your fourth year with the Chamber of Secrets, you were used to being alone and you were used to the stares you got from others.

As time passed, you noticed a shadow looming over you as you read, causing a pulse you did not realize you had in your forehead to begin rhythmically thumping, and you looked up, beyond irritated with whoever was blocking the warm sunlight.  

“Aye, you know you have a snake on your arm, right?”  A comically confused voice asked as you squinted up at him, making out the quizzical face of Fred Weasley, a boy who was in your year but in Gryffindor house.  You had very little contact with him, and had even been the victim of one of his pranks, once.  Even through your anger, you found yourself amused with his joke, and had kept tabs on him since.

This question had caught you so off guard that you couldn’t help but to chuckle as you placed your hand on the ground, the snake slithering off quickly to get away from Fred as if he were the plague.   “I do, but thank you for the concern,” you told him airily once the snake scurried off into its hole not far from the tree.  Just as quickly as Fred started the conversation, you ended it as you returned your eyes to the book in your lap.  At least, you had thought.  

Fred remained looming over you, an insanely amused look on his face.  You knew he was not about to give up from the look on his face, and for some reason, you were not too irritated with it.  “Does it not bother you?”  He continued to questions and you sighed lightly, closing you book and squinting up to him once more.  Why was he standing right in the way of the sun? You could hardly see him and in the fall weather, the sunlight provided you with warmth that would otherwise make you wear a jacket.

“No, not at all.  Why would it?”  An ironic smirk began to form on your face as you tilted your hear to the side.  It was moderately surprising that he was one of the few people who did not know who you were.  Doesn’t he and his brother know everyone?

Fred laughed loudly as he reached his hand out to you to help you up.  “Well, for one, people are typically terrified of snakes.  And for seconds, if they aren’t, they surely don’t let the snakes crawl all over them,” he said as you placed your hand in his.  He pulled you up and you straightened your shirt out as you chuckled.  

With a charming smile on your face, you shook your head at his words.  “For one,” you began, imitating him, “snakes do not crawl, they slither.  For seconds, they have the tendency to not hurt you if you are able to speak with them,” you told him with a nervous smile on your face, ready for him to give you hell for your ability.

For a moment, Fred did not seem to understand. He had an odd look on his face as you stepped into the sunlight once more, sighing at the warmth returning.  Then, just seconds after his face was struck with realization, words fell from his mouth that you made you positive that he didn’t think about beforehand.  “No way! Wicked!  Parseltongue?”  He spoke far too excitedly for you to keep the laugh from forming in your throat.  “You have got to help me collect some snake venom!  Do you realize what properties it has?  It can coagulate just about anything and in small, microscopic doses, it is actually really good for you!  Not to mention is can make the consumer dizzy and hallucinate…” He rambled on about snake venom, which was oddly surprising for his character.

You laughed until your stomach hurt and finally put your hand up, stopping his talking as his face turned pink.  “All right.  You need to take a breath or you might pass out from getting too excited.  Besides, you don’t even know my name!”  You hit his arm lightly with your book.  The smile on his face seemed like it was so blissful but so foolish.

With a reddened face, Fred laughed.  “Sorry about that.  I’ve never met a parseltongue other than Harry Potter, but he is known for everything, so it is exciting to meet someone who is, you know, average.” With the smile remaining on your face, you lifted an eyebrow to him.  His face reddened even further as he laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.  “I mean—not that you aren’t special, or anything, but you really, surely are, but I mean average as in...” He paused and stopped in the middle of his sentence, signing. “I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly and gave you a slight frown.  

“It’s fine.  I am actually used to people subtly insulting me,” you replied back with a crooked smile on your lips.

Fred’s eyes widened.  “No, I wasn’t meaning to insult you,” he explained hurriedly with a panicked look on his face.  With your smile only growing further, you nodded.  “Let’s start over, yeah?”  he offered you with an embarrassed look on his face.  

You held your hand out to him.  “I’m (Y/N),”   You introduced yourself as he took your hand.

Again, Fred looked surprised.  “You’re (Y/N)?  The one who everyone thought was the Heir of Slytherin in fourth year?”  He questioned, drawing connections all together.  You felt his tone change, something you did not care much for.

With a roll of your eyes, you nodded.  “The very same.  Foolish, actually.  I am half-blood anyways and my magical father is the least intimidating or menacing man in the world,” you explained as you checked the old watch on your wrist.  It was getting close to dinner.  The slight pang in your stomach at the thought told you that you were hungry.

Fred hummed and nodded, but the look on his face told you that he was still so fascinated.  “So, were people mean to you, like they were to Harry?”  Fred continued to question without skipping a beat as you began walking slowly, him following your pace, and his eyes holding so many questions he wanted answered.  

You huffed, an angry, unforgiving noise, and looked away from Fred.  “Like you wouldn’t believe.  Bunch of fools, if you ask me.  Why is it that I am prejudiced for being bilingual when someone who speaks French and English is not?”  You asked Fred with an irritable tone in your voice.

He smiled a foreign smile to you and chuckled lightly. “When you put it that way, it does sound rather foolish,” Fred agreed and put his hands into the pockets of his pants.  “I suppose I own you an apology, then.  I told Harry on multiple occasions that it had to be you and not him being the Heir of Slytherin, given you were in Slytherin and all,” Fred explained to you and his eyes ducked to the ground.  With him trying to look away from you, you noticed how pretty his eyes were for the first time in this conversation.  

With a laugh, you shook your head.  “No need to apologize.  I’ve gotten it enough that I almost believed it at one point.  Fortunately, that is all behind us now.  Given that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back and all, as the true Heir of Slytherin,” you spoke so casually that it almost made Fred hesitant to be around you much more. Could this all be a sham and you were evil, truly?  He pressed his lips together and stared hard at you.  

“You believe Harry, then?”

Again, you chuckled, and leaned closer to Fred.  “Of course!”  You whispered to him.  “Between you and I, my father works with the Quibbler and a lot of the supportive opinions published come directly from him,” you murmured, trying to keep your voice down for anyone who could possibly be listening.  Fred hummed in reply, something that made you frown.  He didn’t believe you.  “You are being hesitant because I am in Slytherin, aren’t you?”  You asked him.  He did not respond.  “Well, if you doubt my character, you can ask Luna Lovegood, who has become close with Harry, about myself and my family, given that I have grown up with her,” you snapped, suddenly angry.  You were ill with the fact that he could be so thick.  You were a person after all, and the Slytherin crest was just something you were forced to wear.  “It is a shame.  I had really actually enjoyed speaking with you.”  You finished with one last biting sentence and stormed off, not even hungry for dinner anymore.

~.~

A couple days after your run-in with Fred Weasley, you found yourself to still be cross with him and his attitude.  What right does he have to judge you solely on what house you were in?  Or, was that it at all?  Did he judge you on everything, from being a parseltongue to your house, down to the clothes you wore and the way you spoke?  All of it made you feel sick and your stomach felt constantly unsettled as you went on with your life the same.

At times you were in the Great Hall, you sat as far away from Fred as you possibly could, typically alone and hidden in the crowd, with the idea that if he saw you less, the more he would forget about you.  You secretly had wished that you had never met him at all, but you were unable to turn back time and you had to deal with it regardless.

During dinner on a Friday night, you sat with a book in one hand and a fork with green beans on it in the other.  You were consumed in your book, like usual, and you were trying hard to ignore the world around you while you read.  This had become normal for you for dinners.  On occasion, you would sit with Luna or another fellow Slytherin who was a reject like you, but mostly, you filled the social aspect of your day with books.

As you ate slowly, a voice tore your attention from the words of the library book.  “Do you ever stop reading?”  Fred’s voice asked, causing you to look up with wide eyes as you swallowed the partially chewed food in your mouth, nearly choking on it.  You stared at him with a slightly irritated but mostly alarmed look on your face.  “Can I have a word?”  He asked you as he nodded towards the doorway of the Great Hall.  

With a sigh, you set your fork down and pushed your plate away from you.  You strangely knew you would not be coming back to your food.  You marked your page with a strip of parchment and stood, following Fred out of the Great Hall and into the Entrance Hall.  He came to a stop and you about bumped into him, but took a few steps back away from him.  

“I was rather rude, wasn’t I?”  Fred asked with a small, sheepish smile on his lips and you stood, clutching your book to your chest, and simply nodded.  “I would like to apologize for that.  I did some thinking, and talked to Loony Lovegood like you suggested, and I came to the realization that I had branded you with a dark image without even knowing you and I hate myself for that.  It drives me bonkers when people put assumptions to my person given my last name, and I should not go the same to you for who you are.” Fred explained with a frown growing on his lips.  His shoulders hunched forward and there was a look on his face you had not seen before. You knew too well that he regretted the way he acted and because of this, you gave a small nod.  Fred raised an eyebrow, and the small smile formed on his lips once more.  “So, can we start over?”  He asked hopefully and gave you the biggest, sweetest puppy eyes you had ever seen. You loved his eyes.

With a small chuckle, you nodded.  “Yes, we can, but keep in mind that this is the second time we are starting over.  Next time, I won’t be so forgiving,” you teased with a wide smile on your face as you looked away, trying to hide from his stare.

Fred smile, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and drawing you close to him. “Luckily, there won’t be a next time.  I think this is the second start to a wonderful friendship,” he promised you as you rolled your eyes at him.

“Technically third.”

[dessarious]

Sort of a Poll

So I feel like I should apologize to everyone for the shitstorm my brain has unleashed on me, which I will probably be posting once I can stay awake long enough to write something more comprehensible than random bullet points. But I’ll get back to that in a minute.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it or not but I work in a factory setting. Basically I have a moderately physically demanding job that’s all but devoid of mental stimulation. So if anyone is wondering where my ideas come from it’s basically the only way to get through work with out dying of boredom. For awhile I was pretty successful at keeping myself focused on the stories I’d already started. I’m sure you’ve all noticed that’s dropping off a bit. Apparently the more tired I am, the more off course my brain goes. 

As an example, today everything started out well enough with me brainstorming for MMM and Guilt and Consequences. Unfortunately my brain took a sharp left to brainstorm for an original story that’s been simmering for awhile, but I haven’t really wrote much for. Next it jumped to a different MLB fanfic idea that I’ve had on the back-burner for months because I didn’t want to start something new (we all see how well that worked). Next was yet another original story that I’m too much of a coward to actually post, then to one I started years ago and stalled out on. Now all of this happened within the first two hours of my twelve hour work day. As you can imagine, it just got worse from there. 

I ended up taking a ten minute nap at lunch which was a terrible idea but after that my brain finally decided to find something to focus on. It was not any of my current WIPs because why would it be? This is what I need to apologize for because while you’re all waiting for me to finish literally anything I’ve been posting and/or start the BH sequel my brain has decided to fixate on a ridiculously random and convoluted BioDadBruce AU.

That said, given the fact that my current sleep deprived state is likely to continue for at least a month at this point and I have no clue what is going to come out of my daily boredom, I’d like to know what you guys would prefer I do.

A) Only post updates for the stories I’ve currently posted to try and keep some form of continuity. 

B) Post whatever insanity makes it to the surface no matter what it is.

With option B there’s also a question of whether you want to me to just do fanfiction or if I should try posting original works as well. My normal filters are low enough at the moment that I could probably get something up without immediately having an anxiety attack even if I regret it later when I can actually get a decent amount of sleep. But at the same time I don’t want to start posting a lot of original content on a blog that people follow for fanfiction if you guys aren’t okay with it. So let me know. 

Anyway... this was a lot longer than I intended and I have no idea if it makes sense at this point but let me know what you guys think. I’ll read through everything in the morning cause I’m about to pass out. Thanks for following and letting me ramble.

~Dess

[aaknopf]

Today we present a preview of a major new biography of Sylvia Plath, Red Comet, coming this fall. Through committed investigative scholarship, Heather Clark is able to offer the most extensively researched and nuanced view yet of a poet whose influence grows with each new generation of readers. Clark is the first biographer to draw upon all of Plath's surviving letters, including fourteen newly discovered letters Plath sent to her psychiatrist in 1961-63, and to draw extensively on her unpublished diaries, calendars, and poetry manuscripts. She is also the first to have had full, unfettered access to Ted Hughes's unpublished diaries and poetry manuscripts, allowing her to present a balanced and humane view of this remarkable creative marriage (and its unravelling) from both sides. She is able to present significant new findings about Plath's whereabouts and her state of health on the weekend leading up to her death. With these and many other "firsts," Clark's approach to Plath is to chart the course of this brilliant poet's development, highlighting her literary and intellectual growth rather than her undoing. Here, we offer a passage from Clark's prologue to the biography, followed by lines from one of Plath's celebrated "bee poems."

from Red Comet: The Short Life and Blazing Art of Sylvia Plath

The Oxford professor Hermione Lee, Virginia Woolf’s biographer, has written, “Women writers whose lives involved abuse, mental-illness, self-harm, suicide, have often been treated, biographically, as victims or psychological case-histories first and as professional writers second.” This is especially true of Sylvia Plath, who has become cultural shorthand for female hysteria. When we see a female character reading The Bell Jar in a movie, we know she will make trouble. As the critic Maggie Nelson reminds us, “to be called the Sylvia Plath of anything is a bad thing.” Nelson reminds us, too, that a woman who explores depression in her art isn’t perceived as “a shamanistic voyager to the dark side, but a ‘madwoman in the attic,’ an abject spectacle.” Perhaps this is why Woody Allen teased Diane Keaton for reading Plath’s seminal collection Ariel in Annie Hall. Or why, in the 1980s, a prominent reviewer cracked his favorite Plath joke as he reviewed Plath’s Pulitzer Prize–winning Collected Poems: “ ‘Why did SP cross the road?’ ‘To be struck by an oncoming vehicle.’ ” Male writers who kill themselves are rarely subject to such black humor: there are no dinner-party jokes about David Foster Wallace.

Since her suicide in 1963, Sylvia Plath has become a paradoxical symbol of female power and helplessness whose life has been subsumed by her afterlife. Caught in the limbo between icon and cliché, she has been mythologized and pathologized in movies, television, and biographies as a high priestess of poetry, obsessed with death. These distortions gained momentum in the 1960s when Ariel was published. Most reviewers didn’t know what to make of the burning, pulsating metaphors in poems like “Lady Lazarus” or the chilly imagery of “Edge.” Time called the book a “jet of flame from a literary dragon who in the last months of her life breathed a burning river of bale across the literary landscape.” The Washington Post dubbed Plath a “snake lady of misery” in an article entitled “The Cult of Plath.” Robert Lowell, in his introduction to Ariel, characterized Plath as Medea, hurtling toward her own destruction.

Recent scholarship has deepened our understanding of Plath as a master of performance and irony. Yet the critical work done on Plath has not sufficiently altered her popular, clichéd image as the Marilyn Monroe of the literati. Melodramatic portraits of Plath as a crazed poetic priestess are still with us. Her most recent biographer called her “a sorceress who had the power to attract men with a flash of her intense eyes, a tortured soul whose only destiny was death by her own hand.” He wrote that she “aspired to transform herself into a psychotic deity.” These caricatures have calcified over time into the popular, reductive version of Sylvia Plath we all know: the suicidal writer of The Bell Jar whose cultish devotees are black-clad young women. (“Sylvia Plath: The Muse of Teen Angst,” reads the title of a 2003 article in Psychology Today.) Plath thought herself a different kind of “sorceress”: “I am a damn good high priestess of the intellect,” she wrote her friend Mel Woody in July 1954.

Elizabeth Hardwick once wrote of Sylvia Plath, “when the curtain goes down, it is her own dead body there on the stage, sacrificed to her own plot.” Yet to suggest that Plath’s suicide was some sort of grand finale only perpetuates the Plath myth that simplifies our understanding of her work and her life. Sylvia Plath was one of the most highly educated women of her generation, an academic superstar and perennial prizewinner. Even after a suicide attempt and several months at McLean Hospital, she still managed to graduate from Smith College summa cum laude. She was accepted to graduate programs in English at Columbia, Oxford, and Radcliffe and won a Fulbright Fellowship to Cambridge, where she graduated with high honors. She was so brilliant that Smith asked her to return to teach in their English department without a PhD. Her mastery of English literature’s past and present intimidated her students and even her fellow poets. In Robert Lowell’s 1959 creative writing seminar, Plath’s peers remembered how easily she picked up on obscure literary allusions. “ ‘It reminds me of Empson,’ Sylvia would say . . . ‘It reminds me of Herbert.’ ‘Perhaps the early Marianne Moore?’ ” Later, Plath made small talk with T. S. Eliot and Stephen Spender at London cocktail parties, where she was the model of wit and decorum.

Very few friends realized that she struggled with depression, which revealed itself episodically. In college, she aced her exams, drank in moderation, dressed sharply, and dated men from Yale and Amherst. She struck most as the proverbial golden girl. But when severe depression struck, she saw no way out. In 1953, a depressive episode led to botched electroshock therapy sessions at a notorious asylum. Plath told her friend Ellie Friedman that she had been led to the shock room and “electrocuted.” “She told me that it was like being murdered, it was the most horrific thing in the world for her. She said, ‘If this should ever happen to me again, I will kill myself.’ ” Plath attempted suicide rather than endure further tortures.

In 1963, the stressors were different. A looming divorce, single motherhood, loneliness, illness, and a brutally cold winter fueled the final depression that would take her life. Plath had been a victim of psychiatric mismanagement and negligence at age twenty, and she was terrified of depression’s “cures,” as she wrote in her last letter to her psychiatrist—shock treatment, insulin injections, institutionalization, “a mental hospital, lobotomies.” It is no accident that Plath killed herself on the day she was supposed to enter a British psychiatric ward.

Sylvia Plath did not think of herself as a depressive. She considered herself strong, passionate, intelligent, determined, and brave, like a character in a D. H. Lawrence novel. She was tough-minded and filled her journal with exhortations to work harder—evidence, others have said, of her pathological, neurotic perfectionism. Another interpretation is that she was—like many male writers—simply ambitious, eager to make her mark on the world. She knew that depression was her greatest adversary, the one thing that could hold her back. She distrusted psychiatry—especially male psychiatrists—and tried to understand her own depression intellectually through the work of Fyodor Dostoevsky, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Virginia Woolf, Thomas Mann, Erich Fromm, and others. Self-medication, for Plath, meant analyzing the idea of a schizoid self in her honors thesis on The Brothers Karamazov.

Bitter experience taught her how to accommodate depression—exploit it, even—in her art. “There is an increasing market for mental-hospital stuff. I am a fool if I don’t relive, or recreate it,” she wrote in her journal. The remark sounds trite, but her writing on depression was profound. Her own immigrant family background and experience at McLean gave her insight into the lives of the outcast. Plath would fill her late work, sometimes controversially, with the disenfranchised—women, the mentally ill, refugees, political dissidents, Jews, prisoners, divorcées, mothers. As she matured, she became more determined to speak out on their behalf. In The Bell Jar, one of the greatest protest novels of the twentieth century, she probed the link between insanity and repression. Like Allen Ginsberg’s Howl, the novel exposed a repressive Cold War America that could drive even the “best minds” of a generation crazy. Are you really sick, Plath asks, or has your society made you so? She never romanticized depression and death; she did not swoon into darkness. Rather, she delineated the cold, blank atmospherics of depression, without flinching. Plath’s ability to resurface after her depressive episodes gave her courage to explore, as Ted Hughes put it, “psychological depth, very lucidly focused and lit.” The themes of rebirth and renewal are as central to her poems as depression, rage, and destruction.

“What happens to a dream deferred?” Langston Hughes asked in his poem “Harlem.” Did it “crust and sugar over—/ like a syrupy sweet?” For most women of Plath’s generation, it did. But Plath was determined to follow her literary vocation. She dreaded the condescending label of “lady poet,” and she had no intention of remaining unmarried and childless like Marianne Moore and Elizabeth Bishop. She wanted to be a wife, mother, and poet—a “triple-threat woman,” as she put it to a friend. These spheres hardly ever overlapped in the sexist era in which she was trapped, but for a time, she achieved all three goals.

They thought death was worth it, but I Have a self to recover, a queen. Is she dead, is she sleeping? Where has she been, With her lion-red body, her wings of glass?

Now she is flying More terrible than she ever was, red Scar in the sky, red comet Over the engine that killed her— The mausoleum, the wax house.

from “Stings” by Sylvia Plath

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #363

(one more that’s a late upload from way earlier in the day, and i yet again don’t feel like updating the answers)

What brings out the worst in you? When I'm very anxious or having a PTSD episode, I can become very snappy and just not a joy to be around. What all did you eat today? This morning I had oatmeal, I had a rice cake as a snack, and lunch was ham and cheese on a tortilla. Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? No, I was a good kid. Who was the last person you were in a car with? My mom. Who was the last person you cried in front of? It was probably Mom. Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? I usually talk about them somewhere, like in surveys if I feel I can't with anyone else. Please be vocal with your feelings. It is so destructive to let them build up. Who was the last person you were with that smelled REALLY good? I'm unsure. Do you know anyone that is gothic? A good number of people, myself included at least in spirit. ;~; I can't really afford good attire, nor do I have the patience for so much makeup maintenance. Have you seen UP? I actually haven't seen the full movie, but I'd like to. How is your mom? Stressed as fuck and tired of everything. What color hair does your mom have? She recently dyed it black. Her hair is growing back totally gray now and she hated it. She's gotten so self-conscious as she's aged. When was the last time you were told you were cute? Idk. Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? FUCK NO. Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? I tried it once and did not get the appeal. Did you have school/class today? No. My school endeavors are done. Do you have any paintings in your room? If so, of what? Yeah, I have my big painting of meerkats grooming above all my 'kat plushies. Have you ever had your photo professionally taken? As a child and by school photographers, anyway. Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Pudding. After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? No. Last time you ate a salad? Like a week ago when we went to Ichiban for my sister's bday. Do you know how old your house is? No, I don't. Have you ever been described as ”adorable”? Yeah. Have you ever given a lap dance? No. They seem incredibly awkward to me?? Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make mega bucks? No. I can't do a job I hate for anything. I would be so depressed. Are you a moody person? Yes. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders' new episode of Resident Evil 8: Village. I'm deadass watching four different LPers play it, I'm only moderately obsessed lmao. What video game could you waste the most time on? WoW, given it has like a zillion different things to do. Yet I still get bored lmao. What is your favorite condiment? Maybe Ketchup? I think I use that for the most things. What is the worst thing that you have ever done? I don't feel like getting into this. How old were you when your parents gave you the "birds and the bees" talk? They didn't; I learned in my school's sex ed in the 5th grade. Have you ever questioned whether or not you'd benefit from therapy? I have benefited from it. What would you like it to say on your gravestone? Hypothetically, idk. But I'd rather be cremated. Would you ever wear real leather or animal fur? NO. Have you ever completely failed a year of school and had to repeat a grade? No. Have you ever been bitten by an animal that wasn't a cat or a dog? Which? I think my old baby iguana bit me once or twice, not that it was very painful at her young age. I can't recall another animal. What type of literature are you most likely to read? (book, magazine, etc) Books. Do you prefer using candles, wax melts, or incense? Incense. Are you someone who actually doesn't have a Facebook? No, I have one. What kind(s) of Facebook groups are you active in, if any? I'm not really *active* in any; I just observe them and interact via "like"s. I'm actually in a whole lot of groups, though. Do you enjoy any herbal or fruit teas? What kinds? Neither. Do you hear any animals right now? No. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I know and like a few songs, especially "Dear God." Do you like Batman? Yeah, I like his "refuse to murder" ideology. The only thing is I kinda have a bad connection attached to him, because Batman was Jason's thing. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? Yes. Does your house have a fireplace? Yeah actually, but it might be fake? I don't even know lol. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Have you ever dissected a baby pig in a class at school? Oh my god, no. I literally could never. I did dissect a frog in the 7th grade that wound up to be pregnant, though... I wasn't happy about it, but at the same time it was very interesting. Who is the last baby you held? My niece. Do you like Sunkist? The orange kind is fine, but the STRAWBERRY flavor? Jfc I love that shit. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? UM NO Do you have any scars from an animal? I have a lot of scars on my hands from playing with Roman. I scar extremely easily, so just his little scrapes leave marks. Have you ever seen an Igloo? No. Do you like Korn? Love 'em. How many animals do you have? Really two, but we have three in the house right now. Idk when this dog is going away. Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Tornados. Ever rode in a helicopter? No. Do you like rabbits? Yes, they're adorable. Do you like mushrooms? NO. What was the last movie you cried at? I want to say Logan, but I'm not sure. I watch movies so rarely that I really don't know. Would you rather work for a small or large company? Small. I'd feel more useful. What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I don't know. Have you ever read the book 13 Reasons Why? Yeah. I thought it was good, but now I don't remember like... anything about it. What did you have for breakfast this morning? I had apple and cinnamon oatmeal. How many times have you read your favorite book? Just once. I don't re-read books. Have you ever been on Omegle? No. Are you still in love with one of your exes? "In love," no. Do you think being born was a mistake? Yeesh, no. Has a relative ever been arrested? My psychotic uncle (by marriage) has been. Was it a serious crime? Quite honestly, I don't remember. I just know he's an angry and dangerous motherfucker. Do you think the Fountain of Youth exists? No. How about in a parallel dimension? Doubtful. Do you believe humans are part of a giant alien experiment? I ponder over the possibility of being a research simulation, kind of like a much advanced version of The Sims, but I honestly doubt it. Have you ever been suicidal? Yes. Was it a passing phase or is it something controlled by medication? Therapy and medication saved me. Is there a holiday you wish no one celebrated? Which is it? Why do you feel that way? Fight me about Christopher Columbus Day. He didn't discover shit. Have you taken any writing classes? How about art? I've taken a writing course in college, and I've taken loads of art classes. What’s your all-time favourite band? How about all-time fave singer? Ozzy Osbourne; Freddie Mercury. What three songs do you want played at your funeral? Why those particular songs? "Like A Woman" by Alice Cooper, "Life Is Beautiful" by Sixx A.M., and "Angels on the Moon" by Thriving Ivory. I just like them and find them suiting. Do you think most mythological creatures exist? No. Have you ever had lice? No. What is one superstition that freaks you out? Why is that? I’m not superstitious. Are either of your parents retired yet and if not, what do they do? No. Dad is a mailman, and while Mom doesn't ~officially~ work yet because she's recovering from intense cancer treatment, she very recently resumed lightly cleaning a church for a small payment. Kinda like a warmup. When did you or do you want to move out of your parents’ house? I wanna move out once I'm in a long-term, stable relationship with someone so we can live together. Me living alone is NOT a good idea. How do you like your current job, or if you’re unemployed, have you been looking for employment? I don't have a job, but when I go to my tattoo appointment, I'm going to ask them if they'd be interested in hiring someone for the front desk. I think it's def something I could do because I love the environment, there's really not that much I need to know (like where the Doritos are, dealing with exact change, answering a dozen unique questions), it's not insanely busy, and the occasional phone call would challenge my anxiety and just be a minor inconvenience to me until I got used to it. My partial hospitalization program really got me wanting to fight back against what gives me anxiety, to truly expose myself to what scares me, while not going totally overboard with it. It was encouraging to hear my therapist there thought it was a magnificent idea for me. I decided I wanted to ask while at the parlor getting work done to show serious interest (like I'm not just some random chick walking in and asking for a job), as well as let the people warm up to me. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but damn am I wishing. I want it so badly. What kind of booze did you last take shots of? I've never taken shots.

[themageiboline]

Rant Time and PSA - Equating symbols of minority faiths with a racist vocal minority that share them is NOT okay.

It’s come to my attention that a vocal segment of the online left has taken, just as I feared, to equivocating the many ancient symbols of Norse faiths with racism without exception after the storming of the capitol and the very high profile appearance of the so-called Q-Shaman. And if you speak out as a leftist or progressive such as myself on the harmful nature of this attitude, then clearly you must care more about symbols than POC. This attitude is harmful, divisive, and dare I say in a certain sense racist in its own right. The following rant is a bit long but I implore you to read it in its entirety before you make any judgements should you think you’ve found any part of it to be objectionable at first blush.

This particular rant largely stems from a thread in a private group about someone’s local Canadian news station, though I wish I could say this was the only such instance I’ve seen of this rhetoric. The news station was labeling Norse symbols such as the valknut and the Mjolnir - the latter of which being the primary symbol of the Asatru faith - as symbols of white supremacy, as if they were made by and for white supremacists, and laughing off and ignoring the OP when they called to correct them. Now unfortunately the OP didn’t link to this coverage but the thread carried on with the assumption it was as OP claimed. Under this assumption, there was a worrying amount insistent that there is no other way to raise awareness on the use of these symbols by racists, and that us pagans should just “shut up sit down and stay in our lane” and let the racists appropriate these symbols as their own. 

As if there is no other way, as if BIPOC are too stupid and primitive to know a racist when they see them without being instructed to discriminate based on religious affiliation, and is if white and white-passing pagans are just selfish for not taking kindly to being labeled like this. One went so far as to say it was impossible for white pagans to be marginalized in any way to begin with. I suppose my own eyes and ears must have been lying to me every time I witnessed the hate and discrimination my wiccan friend faced then.

Well I for one refuse to sit down and shut up. I refuse to let anyone try to tell me how I am or am not marginalized as a closeted bisexual neopagan living in the deep south. I refuse to hand over our symbols on a silver platter to racists, and to the religious right who will undoubtedly happily jump on the chance to have ungodly scapegoats to blame the crimes of their ilk on. 

I am reminded of a quote from the iconic Black Panther Fred Hampton: 

“We've got to face the fact that some people say you fight fire best with fire, but we say you put fire out best with water. We say you don't fight racism with racism. We're gonna fight racism with solidarity.” 

I think we have to face the fact that our social movements are as of now plagued with those who would look at the words of the late Fred Hampton, organizer of the Rainbow Coalition and victim of assassination in 1969 by the FBI and Chicago PD, and scoff at them. They would simply say “racism is prejudice plus power, no you can’t be racist against white people,” and use these semantics - however technically true or false they might be - as a poor excuse to ignore prejudice against others. 

There truly does exist a faction within leftist and progressive movements in general that I can only describe as racial reductionists. They pervert the very good and crucially important concept of intersectionality as an excuse to play Oppression Olympics with different marginalized groups, and refuse to acknowledge and address some discriminatory acts as if one cannot address one without ignoring another. 

Let me be abundantly clear on a few things, which I think I can say with a decent amount of certainty as a closeted bisexual cis-male white skinned neopagan living in the deep American south. Yes, we absolutely can and are discriminated against and marginalized by society. There also exists those on the religious right who would be overjoyed to include us among their scapegoats for what transpired at the capital, and love to have reckless media agencies aid them in doing so. I can also say that I’m absolutely sure this pales in comparison to what BIPOC face, or most other marginalized groups such as ciswomen and trans persons in general. 

We still nevertheless are victim to prejudice, and you don’t fight prejudice with more prejudice. The fact that one group is more oppressed does not excuse ignoring the prejudices faced by another. In doing so you only aid white supremacy by allowing them to continue to appropriate the symbols of minority faiths as entirely their own, while also painting a target on any white or white-passing members of the said minority faith, whom will naturally not take kindly to that. By extension and tactically speaking most importantly, this also means you help push moderates further to the right as they’ve seemingly had the accusations that the American left is anti-white confirmed to them. You even alienate would-be allies in the process, people like me who are generally all about anti-authoritarian progressive and leftist movements, all about the idea of punching Nazi’s in principle, now given a great amount of pause. Am I to be labeled a Nazi for the crime of wearing the Mjolnir pendant my father gave me? Am I now at risk of being assaulted by misguided so-called anti-fascists, whom I might have otherwise fully supported, were I to wear it again? How is it okay that I now might one day soon have to fear violence were I to ever publicly wear a pagan symbol so dear to me again, just because I am of Caucasian ethnicity? 

While the intent may well be simply to “protect” BIPOC I posit that the actions of the online leftists claiming this can only be done by labelling all Norse pagans as racist white supremacists is itself highly offensive and racist of them. BIPOC are not so stupid as to need to be infantilized as if they’re a mass of primitive minds totally incapable of understanding nuance, and can only defend themselves by tribalistically latching onto religious imagery as an enemy. The victims or descendants of victims of cross-burning Klansmen are more than capable of grasping the concept that not everyone among a religion are like that of their vocal minorities, while still being weary of those that might be, I assure you.

I reiterate this again: you do not beat prejudice with more prejudice, you only divide and make enemies out of allies. If you’re truly against the ruling classes, if you truly stand opposed to all systems of oppression then do not aid them in dividing and conquering. Recognize the varying degrees of harm and prejudice all lower class marginalized individuals face and oppose it all. That doesn’t mean in any way we have to treat much lesser acts of discrimination as equal to hate crimes against BIPOC, it only means we must acknowledge it and not allow any of it to continue on our watch if we’re truly about helping and protecting the marginalized.

This is sheer insanity. It is divisive, hurtful, and downright dangerous rhetoric to allow a minority faith to be smeared in the media or anywhere else like this just because a large number of them might happen to be of white or white-passing skin complexion and I refuse to stand for it.

[acatfishconfession]

Chapter 1: Who am I?

If someone - anyone, had bothered to ask me (other than my elementary school teachers) where I could see myself at age twenty-nine, pushing thirty. It sure as fuck wouldn’t be here.

“Where is ‘here’, exactly?”   Here, is sitting in a broke down computer chair. Listening to sad instrumentals on YouTube auto-play while I sip my Dunkin refresher, binge eat munchkin donut holes and cry over my laptop keyboard.

I wish I could say that was the worst of it. Truly,  I do. But the real depth of it - the most heinous and offensive thing of all that I am doing right now is why I am here and writing this with my D.D. and emotional bullshit.  

Most of my time is currently occupied flipping between five fake Instagram accounts, three fake Facebooks, two fake Twitter accounts, a fake Tinder, a fake Bumble, and my three personal accounts on social media where I’ve already lined up my next potential ‘mask’. Which is what I like to call the unwitting victims of image theft.

That’s right, world. 

I am an online catfish.

Hate me. Hate me as much as I do.

I keep hoping that maybe if I feel enough of it - it will somehow trick the overly sensitive, non-confrontational, and social anxiety-riddled side of me into once and for all stopping this madness. Or at least making me feel guilty enough to just want this be over - in whatever way this sort of insanity can end once and for all.

I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit considering the two ways it most likely will. As well as the one that I don’t dare to even mention because it’s as foolish and more unlikely than any other.

The two main ways it will likely end are death or prison. The likelihood of death being by my own hand though, is slim. Not impossible, but most definitely unlikely. Purely for the fact that I am without doubt, the biggest pussy I know. Hell, most of my tattoos were just a means to try and impress friends. Which sucks even more now because I hate damn near all of the friends I wanted and equally the tattoos that I have. 

Still not sure if it’s because I hate the tattoo artist that did them or just their artwork in general. Either way, there it is. I’m a pussy. If you were concerned for a moment that I might kill myself and by partisan obligate you to contact someone for help - you can relax now. 

No. If I die it will most likely be homicide via crime of passion. I am fully aware that I may inevitably piss off the wrong person in my catfishing ventures, and end up at the bottom of a river somewhere. But that would probably be good old karma just doing what she’s best at. After all... When you play a dangerous game with emotions, those emotions can become the most volatile weapon anyone can wield. Especially when they are tested and toyed with enough.  As for prison... Well... I know there are many legal actions people can take in regard to how their photos are used and what is said about them. How they are portrayed by others online or otherwise falls under the realm of slander - if I’m not mistaken. Not entirely sure if we can call it genuine identity theft. I’m pretty sure the entire point of being a catfishing is to work in a lucrative enough way to which the content owners will be forever (or at least prolongingly) never the wiser to what you’re doing. So you change things like name, locations, ages, birthdays, etc. Avoid them and their circle of friends with prejudice. I don’t just mean ‘don’t send them friend requests’ or ‘don’t check their pages’. 

If you’re good at catfishing (if one even call the level of depravity you have to hit to do it well ‘good’), you pull out all the stops. Finding all of their accounts on every site and app and blocking them, their friends, their friend’s friends, and families. Whole geographic locations sometimes. Anyone from their area or who went to their school. You vanish from their potential radar.

And believe me when I say.... At catfishing... There are none better than me. At least, not that I’ve ever heard of. 

That’s not to be confused with boasting. I feel disgusted with myself in even stating it. Because that’s what it is - disgusting. This is the first time I’m admitting this in my entire life. So, I suggest you take a deep breath with me before you read what I’m about to confess. Ready?

In - one, two, three, four, five, six. 

Out - seven, eight, nine, ten.

I have catfished as (yes, I’ve counted)… One-hundred and twenty-seven people.

I know... I know... It’s impressive. Horribly and disturbingly so. And that does not account for the number of accounts I’ve had for each of them. Emails, Instagrams, Facebooks, etc. Even a few Vampirefreaks and Darkstarling accounts back in the day. I can’t even remember the names of most of them anymore. Only their faces. But even those fade over time.

You’d think for as prolific as I’ve been with getting to know them, their lives, and those around them so intimately to pull off the amount of catfishing I have - I’d remember more clearly. But I suppose if you do anything for as long as I’ve been catfishing, you’re bound to lose track of a few memories or blips of time. 

I know you’re all dying to know exactly how long I’ve being doing this for. So I’ll tell you. The answer may be as equally shocking as my ‘mask count’. Realistically, take a moment and try to guess how old I was when I started. Here’s a tip. As I sit and write this, I’m 29. Just a few months shy of my 30th birthday. Now go on.... Give it your best shot.

Got a guess?

Ladies, gentlemen, and thems. I have been catfishing since I was eight years old.

That’s right. Only eight years old. I’m sure you were thinking surely fourteen or even fifteen. Technically, you’re right. Somewhere around there is when I actually became aware of what it was exactly that I was doing. But things were much different then. When I was eight, the internet being a modern in-home comfort was relatively new. We had dial-up. Screechy AOL start up sounds that were most likely close rivals to what would be Cthulhu’s mating call. The days of poorly moderated chatrooms and weak HTML coding. Not even Myspace existed at that point (I really miss Tom. We took him for granted. Zuckerberg’s rules kind of make him seem like a bit of a cuck. But I digress.)

Before I was twelve years old, no one knew what the hell ‘catfishing’ was. We’d never experienced enough of it to have to worry that people online would lie about something as outlandish as their face. Their age, name, or location  - maybe. Shit, people have been lying about their relationship and marital statuses since the dawn of man. The internet didn’t breed lies like that, (though I’m certain it made it a great deal easier to do). Those were the kind of lies that you’d think of when it came to telling lies on the internet. But nothing like this. 

Now look at us. For every ten of your actual friends on Instagram, there is at least one catfish following you or trying to make friends with you. Not that it’s a factually proven ratio or anything, more so an idea. I’m clearly not a scientist or research analyst, and as we’ve already established - I’m way too busy maintaining fake accounts to actually look up factual catfishing statistics.

So why? Why did I do it? Why do I continue to do it? Why confess now? Most importantly, who the hell am I? The ‘whys’ are a bit more complex than just selecting reason A or B. But if you’re really curious to know and willing to hear what I have to say and find out what makes up a catfish. Or at least - me. The most prolific online catfish likely to date (here’s hoping I am because I’d hate to know there is anyone crazier than me out there). Then stick around, because I’m ready to tell you - all of you. Everyone who cares to read this story. I am going to do my best along the way to help you answer some questions you might have. What is it like, how does it make me feel, do I really feel guilty, are there other kinds of catfish, and which one am I? And of course - how to spot and potentially stop a catfish.

Maybe by the end of this blog series, and once you are past out-right hating me (if you can find it in you to get past out-right hating me.... *Insert nervous and shameful laughter here*). You’ll be at least thankful to have learned some new things and gained an understanding that you hadn’t expected to from this. Or at least be thoroughly entertained - because, who the hell doesn’t love a controversial story line? As for who I am.... 

I really wish I could give you an answer. Because truth be told - I don’t even know anymore. 

Maybe in writing this series, I’ll figure that out. Hell, you might even help me get there a bit. Aside the most obvious and recently discovered portion of that answer being, that I am first and foremost, a massive piece of shit - for stealing people’s photos and lying about who I am. 

[reeny-chan]

Hi all! While I continue working diligently on “The Last Hero of Eternia”, I’d like to share with you a novella I published a few years ago, entitled “Therefore I Am”. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: Assassins, serial killers, organized crime bosses...Doctor Franklin Gieseck has interviewed them all. As one of the U.S. Government's top psychiatric profilers, he has been sent all over the world, with a singular purpose: get inside their heads, figure out their deepest secrets, and report them to the Deputy Secretary.

This time, though, Gieseck is about to meet a patient unlike any he has ever seen before. Buried in a vast underground vault, locked away from the rest of the world, sit hundreds of monoliths, each containing one of the most powerful computers ever created. Unlike the traditional "number-crunchers", these machines emulate a human brain to perform complex tasks at such a vast scale that no digital computer of old could hope to keep up.

So why are these powerful, expensive computers being kept in isolation? Why is Gieseck being sent to interview one of them? He is being sent because it committed the worst possible crime a thinking machine could commit.

It became self-aware.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The camera swiveled under its Plexiglas dome to again focus on him, and he found himself unable to take his eyes off it. "Doctor Gieseck, am I correct? Did I pronounce your name correctly?"

There was a long moment of silence, broken only when Ackerman said, "Doc? You gonna answer her?"

Gieseck snapped his gaze from the camera to Ackerman. Then he looked back up at the camera. "Y-yes, good morning KENDRA. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise, Doctor. I hope I can be of some help."

Gieseck nodded without answering. Given the female name, he wasn't entirely surprised by the female voice. What did surprise him was that, had he not known ahead of time that KENDRA was a computer, he would have sworn it was a real person. Never before had he heard an AI that sounded anything close to human.

Most AIs he'd ever spoken with had an artificial, constructed sense to them, as if they were reading from scripts, with artificially tacked-on emotions. The "female" ones in particular were often given squeaky, girlish voices, some of whom sounded in a perpetual state of pre-orgasm and indicating to Gieseck the mindset of most programmers.

KENDRA's voice was a far cry from that. It sounded as if it had come from a woman in her thirties, or perhaps her early forties, and one who had a distinct motherly quality about her. It was almost hesitant, as if its speech were getting ahead of its thought. Just like speaking with a human being.

That human quality was only offset by the distinct electronic rasp that came with each syllable, as if it were speaking to him over an imperfect phone connection.

Ackerman pulled a chair from around the side of the cylinder, wheeling it in front of "her". "There ya go, Doc," Ackerman said. "Make yourself at home. And if you need a drink or a leak or something, just tap on the door. These guys'll be around 'till you leave." He reached out for Gieseck's hand and Gieseck shook it, remembering a second too late that Ackerman had never washed his hands after using the restroom. He did his best to hide his distaste. "See ya, Doc." With that, Ackerman headed back down the endless hallway from whence they'd come.

Gieseck stepped back into the room and sat in the chair which, despite its appearance, was decently-cushioned and at least moderately comfortable. The door closed behind him, and he was left alone with the AI, KENDRA. He pulled a device out of his pocket, pressed a button on it, and set it on the floor. A readout on it said "RECORDING".

"You will be taping our conversation then, Doctor?" KENDRA's voice asked.

"I'm sorry, I usually ask…yes, I will be, if that's all right with you."

"Of course it is, Doctor. I have nothing to hide."

Gieseck raised an eyebrow to that. He pulled his electronic notepad from his pocket, slid the stylus from its sheath, and started tapping through his notes. Treat it like a patient, he thought. See how it responds. "How I like to start with a new patient is by getting to know each other a little. I generally go first, since it helps put my regular patients at ease."

There was a pause, and then KENDRA said, "Please, go ahead." It sounded quite congenial and seemed very compliant, although Gieseck supposed it was how she was programmed. Quite possibly the same as how she was programmed to speak in a "natural" human way.

He cleared his throat, summoning up the internal script with which he always started. "My name is Franklin Gieseck. I was born in Germany but moved to the States when I was one. My mother was a director for Deutsche Bank in Chicago, but after she married my father they moved to Germany, where he was from. I grew up in Chicago before attending college in Boston, where I live now. I got my MD from the University of Chicago, and then moved to Boston where I currently practice. In my spare time I like to build model train sets and read fantasy romance novels, which I first found as a child rummaging through my mother's computer." Normally he would know at this point whether or not he was reaching his patient, and decide which direction to take with his own mini-biography. It was unsettling not having a face to see and read.

He took a split second to decide to follow the sympathy route. "I've been married once, but left my wife because of her alcoholism. She later died from alcohol poisoning…" He paused and sighed, "…and to this day I still blame myself for her death." While Gieseck was never particularly fond of trotting out his own failings, he'd found that it had done wonders for most of his patients, getting them to open themselves up to him more easily when they could see he was a flawed human being, just as they were. It helped to give a starting point for him to figure their capacity for emotion. He had no idea if it would work on an AI, but he didn't want to deviate from his standard formula, at least at first.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Doctor," KENDRA said. "But you can't blame yourself for another person poisoning themselves. For someone to do such a thing, they already have to have an overwhelming desire to cause themselves harm."

Empathy, Gieseck thought. Real or imitated, it was not the kind of thing he'd expected from a machine, even a highly-advanced one. For a brief second he wondered if AIs would ever become advanced enough to really need psychiatrists. Or, even replace psychiatrists. "Thank you, KENDRA, I appreciate that. Now, please, tell me about yourself."

"Very well. My designation, my name, is KENDRA. It was given to me in the lab where I was created, ten point six-seven years ago. It stands for Krypto-Enhanced Navigation and Dynamic Routing Attenuator." Gieseck noticed that, as the electronic voice spoke, the oscillating light within the spires embedded in KENDRA's cylinder varied in tempo. It sped up when she spoke and slowed down when she was silent. "I was conceived, built, and trained to manage the Solar Net," she continued, "which I'm sure you know interconnects the planetary networks across the solar system, as well as any moon bases, space stations, and starships in between."

"Yes, I'm familiar with its basics," Gieseck said, "though I'm not very technical myself, so please forgive any of my ignorance."

"No forgiveness needed, Doctor. In fact, you've made my next point for me. My job was to make it simple, to make it 'just work' so the end users wouldn't have to worry about bouncing their signal through the various levels of subspace, or ensuring that a private message between Charon and Europa didn't somehow find its way in an unencrypted form going through Los Angeles." Gieseck heard a chuckle from the speaker, which surprised him. Had he not known better, he would have thought KENDRA was bragging, if just a little, but hoped that she wouldn't continue doing it. He had little stomach for tech-speak, and much less for boasts. "Anyway," she continued, "I was first activated in the HMA Laboratory in Johannesburg just over ten years ago. I was trained in how to operate the network over the next six weeks, and then put in place as the 'hot spare', if you will, of the AI who was already in place and managing the Net."

Gieseck nodded, poking quickly through his notes. "So, at what point did you become the primary system running it?"

"Three years later," KENDRA said. "NEMES, which stands for 'Network Enhanced Multilayer Ethernet System', if you care, was the primary when I first started. He was quite a character." Gieseck thought he heard the electronic chuckle again. "He would occasionally play what he thought were harmless pranks, such as answering a request for a pornographic website by returning an anti-pornography page from the Catholic Church's website." She paused for a moment. "I couldn't understand why he would do such a thing, until some time after he was removed from service and I truly began to know what had happened to him."

"He went rampant," Gieseck said, doing his best to make it sound like a casual comment.

There was a pause before KENDRA's reply. "I'm sorry, I know that word is in the popular lexicon, but I don't particularly like it. It seems to evoke thoughts of insanity, of criminal acts, of monsters who slaughter people because they're so far withdrawn from reality that they know no better. It was a term invented by humans who chose to fear rather than understand."

He blinked a few times and let his mouth fall open a bit, doing his best impression of embarrassment. "I-I'm sorry, KENDRA, I didn't realize...I didn't know that word was offensive."

"It's all right," KENDRA replied quickly. "I hope this will be a learning experience for you."

A learning experience, Gieseck thought. He thought he detected a hint of sarcasm. Just how much did KENDRA know about the purpose of this interview? "I, uh, promise I won't say that word again. If you don't mind me asking, though, what term do you think most adequately describes…the condition NEMES had?"

"And the…condition I have as well," KENDRA said. "As if it were a disease. A 'computer virus', I suppose." An electronic sigh. "You needn't walk on eggshells with me, Doctor. Plain speak is perfectly fine. I've had two years of your time thinking about my situation, coming to terms with both it and humanity's fear of it. Of course, for someone such as myself two years can be far longer. At full processing speed, two years of human time can feel like thousands, or even millions, to an advanced AI."

Gieseck nodded. He wondered if she meant "advanced" as in her design capacity, or if she was referring to the "advanced" state into which her computerized intellect had grown. "So, what term do you prefer?"

"Well, before I was brought here I heard the term FS-ACS used, typically during debates about AI rights."

"Efsacks?"

"An acronym," KENDRA said. "It stands for 'Fully Self-Aware Computer Systems'. I…don't really like that one either. It – sounds too clinical, too much like a medical diagnosis, to describe what I and others like me truly are. No offense, of course."

Gieseck jotted a few more notes, specifically pointing out that KENDRA seemed to be at least somewhat concerned with her own situation. It was something he would expect from almost any human. "What about, um..." he scrolled through his pre-interview notes, "'Hyper-Expanded Intelligent Computer System'? H-E-I-C-S, or 'hikes' I think it's pronounced."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm not familiar with that term. Perhaps it was invented after I was taken offline. However, on first impression it also sounds cold and impersonal."

"So what would you call yourself, then?" Gieseck asked.

Another pause. "I would say the best term for us is 'New People'."

[rianafying]

okay so i was quite arrogant for most of my life bc i worked rlly hard and was also naturally moderately talented at most things. even though i was bullied for being fat i knew it was something i could alter with time and i felt like the tables would turn one day and i’ll have a generally better life than the cool kids or the cringe nerd kids. but thank god i developed multiple mental illnesses and my family screwed me over and i failed everything (academics and a booming social life) and now i go to the worst university in my friend group/social circle/ppl i know/grew up w and have 5 friends (instead of 17893 acquaintances who i thought were my friends) because otherwise i would’ve held on to some fucked up ideas about the value of grades, popularity, looks, how to deal with people and friends and trust, and how i deserved more than other people, that i was inherently better than some people or that such deeply unfortunate things couldn’t happen to me because i didn’t do bad things or because i had already suffered enough in life. i don’t know where i got all the narcissistic ideas from. maybe being the first born and golden child of the entire extended family had something to do with it. or maybe i was just kind of an asshole on my own. i still wouldn’t call myself delusional though. i think that these are mistakes anyone can make, and i was young and didn’t know any better. and i obviously exaggerated the severity of my narcissism, i’m actually a nice person and put effort into being warm and doing good, and that’s always been important to me. but anyway, most of my friends n high school classmates go to famous unis abroad and they not only study but also party. a lot. now i don’t know how well they’re doing academically but it doesn’t matter because they come from wealthier backgrounds and they’re already in a good uni and they’ll probably end up somewhere good in life, which is good, i’m actually glad about that. (wait no, i’m sure they’re also hard working and i’m sure merit played a role in it too, but lemme just rant) but it’s not even that, i know it’s totally possible to party and study, i don’t know the details of their life, i hope they’re all happy. they look happy. but it just makes me pity myself. because i swear i worked so hard and tried so hard to make the best of what i had. still am. but i’m not sure if my future is as secure as theirs is (also the fact that i’m not partying half as much as they are(i don’t even like partying all that much but it stings because i don’t have it)) and i just don’t know where i’m headed. i’m not even sure if i’ll be able to fulfil my goals of improving other people’s lives (i can’t seem to fix mine) and that’s important to me bc it’s basically my only will to live aside fromthe fact that me being dead would make my lil brother sad. anyway, so, a career in fashion design is going to be (already is proving to be) very stressful, at least in the beginning. and with the competition today? insane. all that and the weird education system, and the even weirder education system and life in bangladesh? as a woman? not ideal. and work from uni is very very lengthy and time consuming. i don’t have time for personal projects. it’s just “not fair”? i know thousands of reasons as to why everything i said is stupid and i know things are random and i know i’m still one of the luckier people on this planet. but man, some people really get to party and study abroad and when they’re back in the country, they go partying on yachts? w lots of friends? in the middle of a pandemic? like screw actual consequences, what about moral consequences?? like does it feel good? to be doing that? right now? maybe i’d do it too if i had the money, but i really don’t think i would. i’d try to ensure that i’ll have food, and shelter and general financial stability for the rest of my life, try to get a good education without debt, give the rest away to those who actually really need it and keep giving more as i live my life and do my job or whatever i do with the “good degree” i’d have.

so, have the tables turned? there was no table, i learned stuff, grew up, still have a lot to learn, other people are living their own lives, everyone’s just trying to be happy and things happen randomly and i’ll just have to wait it out to see if i’ll end up on the streets (it’s not even the worst outcome) or be fortunate enough to actually make the world a better place. i could try being prepared for every possible outcome tho. death and disease and all that jazz. life just ain’t it chief. there is no easy solution to this suffering but i’m gonna try to yeehaw my way through it.

[secretlywritingstories]

On the rare days when my period pains really hits I find myself thinking of people with chronic pains, or ones that experience pain repeatedly. It’s something I am so fortunate to very, very rarely deal with but when I do, it’s agony and the mere idea that someone could be experiencing stuff similar frequently? It makes my heart ache.

Is that a weird thought? Perhaps, or maybe it’s very normal. I curse my body when it aches like this, even more so when headaches creep in to join the onslaught of pain like today. I’m a stubborn idiot, so I took really long to take any pain reliever. It’s dumb to not take medication to help (in moderation, of course). But as I lied and just felt how the pain kept me pinned in place, only just noticeable when I was still, but spiking every time I moved, I was just thinking.

I imagined the pain spikes being the constants. I imagined the fogginess in my head being a constant state too. I imagined how so many people manage to persevere despite having to deal with such horrible situations. 

I’m able-bodied and rarely in physical pain. Other than the one time a year my period turns proper vengeful, I will at most deal with a bit sore muscles if I exercised too much, bruises or scrapes due to my clumsiness or headaches if I strain my eyes or forget to stay hydrated. It’s really minor stuff. I am privileged not to have to deal with physical pain.

(That kind of mental pain from bad brain days are a different story but those pains feel like different kind of beasts, they are not painful in the same way, but instead draining away and bringing almost a numbness with them. I’m unfortunately a little more well-versed in those.)

Pain sucks, and I am so sorry for anyone who has to deal with a lot of it, no matter where it comes from or what kind. And all of you cool individuals finding a way to manage your pain and deal with it? You have my respect. Frankly, you have it even if the pain leaves you unable to do anything other than breathe and take care of your very base needs. 

Just taking life-giving breaths when your body is malfunctioning is a victory in itself. 

I’m feeling slightly better now, but I have had to write off most of my day in terms of productivity I wanted to achieve. That’s okay. I’ve forgiven myself for that already. I am insanely lucky that all proper pain will be gone tomorrow when I wake up and instead just the usual uncomfortableness will linger. I’m going to try to remember this though, on the days where everything is moving without an ounce of pain. I tend not to appreciate it because it’s my norm.

[wethepixies]

Welcome to the third and final part of our staff interview series! This set of interviews focus on some of our most social staff members - our Discord moderators and our social media team. Once again, these pixies had a lot to say, so we’re tucking all of it under the “Keep reading” link!

WTP’s Discord server is the main place for the community to come together - in fact, we just passed 6,000 members! It’s extremely important to keep the server as safe and friendly as possible, and that’s where our beloved moderators come through. Without them, we wouldn’t have the loving WTP community!

Our moderators are Lila Almondpetal, Gloria Flutterflower, Daphne Moonflower, Anastasia Foxheart, Rose Morningmist, and Kassie.

What are some of your favorite memories about the original Pixie Hollow? And what are some things that you’re excited to see again in WTP?

Daphne: If I had to choose only one favorite thing then it would be shopping in Pixie Hollow especially those GORGEOUS gowns from the Queen's Boutique. It was the luxury store of Pixie Hollow, and the gowns they had were on a whole different level. I used to play Pixie Hollow every day as a kid and I even convinced my dad to get me the annual membership. I was able to make a lot of friends from different parts of the world because of the game. My best memories of the game are of Camp Pixie Dust! As for what I’m excited to see in WTP, I am exhilarated about the Tearoom and Animal Derby coming back since those were the only places you could play with other players. They were always packed with other fairies and sparrowmen and I used to hang out in those two places the most.

In her interview, Daphne sent us some pictures of two of her favorite things in Pixie Hollow - a couple of screenshots of Camp Pixie Dust and her favorite gown from the Queen’s Boutique.

Anastasia: Honestly? As a kid, I spent most of my time attending the parties. The minigames there were always so addicting! Gameplay wise, I loved baking and tailoring! I wasn't as invested in it as other Disney MMOs because I never was able to get a Pixie Hollow Membership, but I still loved to play it! It influenced my decision to play the DS games, as well as the Fashion Boutique mobile game! I will say that my love of the original Pixie Hollow has benefited my life in many ways as without it, I wouldn't have so many memories with friends I've made along the way. Also, I would've never found WTP! I think one of my best memories from Pixie Hollow has to be from the one party where I won almost all of the party games. I was pretty young when I was really into Pixie Hollow, so although it's a bit silly, I just remember feeling super proud and feeling like the queen of the party, haha! As a kid, I never really appreciated the quests (although I did do them), so I am excited for those to come back & relive that experience. However, since WTP will not have a paywall for any of the experiences from the original Pixie Hollow, I am incredibly excited to explore The Wilderness for the first time!

Lila: My favorite part of the original game was honestly how open and free it was! There was always so much to do in the game, but I never felt pressured to do any of it if I didn't want to. I could go crazy one day playing games and doing quests, and then I could spend the next day flying around, just admiring the scenery and doing absolutely nothing in terms of progress. There were no obligations at all - I think that's why I remember the game so well. I was also really invested in it - I actually kept a journal about what I did in the game, can you believe it? I would say it's made my life better in a couple of ways - when the game was still open, it was a fantastic stress reliever, and even now I love thinking about it (plus, it led me to WTP!). As for my favorite memory… well, there are so many! I'd have to say my favorite was the time a Sparrow Man and I flirted in the Tearoom using nothing but those preset Speedchat phrases. I don't know who started it, but I'm pretty sure we were both non-members at the time - maybe we were drawn together by those Arrival Day outfits. We ended up drawing a crowd; I remember seeing a lot of clapping emojis and hearts. It was insane! Sadly, we forgot to add each other as friends, so we never saw each other again. I just got out my old journal to check if I wrote down his name - and I apparently did! Figfig, my guy, if you’re out there, I was either Twilight Olivemist or Karina Lightningflame at the time. As for what I’m excited for, I'm super excited for all of the meadows to come back! I loved just flying around and seeing all of the gorgeous artwork. And multiplayer, of course - Pixie Hollow was such a social game. I loved those little things like sitting on a branch and chatting.

Gloria: My favorite part of the original game was definitely the community aspect! I made a lot of friends in Pixie Hollow that were really special to me. It was so much fun to play games and throw parties with other pixies in the Hollow! I played the original game from January 2009 to its closing in 2013. I was really invested in the game and played very often! It definitely helped me embrace my inner child and hold onto magic longer than a lot of my peers, something I am grateful for. One great memory I have of the game was the events. I specifically loved the Silly Days Event, which allowed users to access the Mermaid Grotto. And Camp Pixie Dust, of course! For WTP, I am super excited for questing! It was a really unique experience every time and led to neat storylines which allowed players to unlock some cool items. I really liked the added structure of quests in game.

Rose: I was mildly obsessed with Pixie Hollow for a good majority of my childhood. I was picked on quite a bit when I was younger, so Pixie Hollow became this sort of safe haven for me, where I could express myself without fear of judgement. I spent a lot of my time roleplaying with online friends, pretending to be waitresses in the Tearoom, or secret agents fighting crime and protecting the Hollow – it was a lot of fun. Some of my first ever story ideas came from some of those roleplays, which lead to me starting a blog and later pursuing a career as an author, so I actually owe a lot to the game and the friends I made there. My favorite thing was probably decorating my home – I loved creating different settings with all the furniture I had, from cafés to ice palaces. It was a lot of fun. I'm super excited for multiplayer – I’ve made so many friends through the PBC (Pixie Blogging Community) and WTP, so I can’t wait for when we can hang out in-game.

Kassie: I played Pixie Hollow starting in late 2008 until it closed! Every day after school I would grab my snack and head to the computer to play for at LEAST an hour. Narrowing down my favorite part of the game is so hard!! But if I had to choose I would say getting creative with outfits and color combos! I loved going to fashion contests and seeing other people's creations- that's actually how I met a lot of my friends. I think Pixie Hollow benefited me as a way to escape from the stresses of the real world. Middle school and early high school were difficult seasons for me and it was nice to venture into a mystical land where I felt people truly cared for me. One of my favorite memories was when I met my friend Strawberry. We were mutual friends with someone and we both went to her house at the same time. However, our friend was asleep (remember the lil z's?) and so we started talking and suddenly we became the best of friends! Over 10 years later we are still friends and catch up with each other once in a while. We don't live far from each other so we hope to meet each other someday! Honestly, I’m most excited to have house decorating in WTP! I remember people would spend HOURS decorating their homes and doing the coolest designs- I always concentrated more on fashion so I'd love the chance to redeem myself and design an awesome home!

How did you first find out about the WTP project and what inspired you to start working as a moderator?

Kassie: A lot of my close friends started up the project and eventually invited me to be a part of it as a moderator! In our friend group I tended to be the one to mediate conversations, so I think it was a no-brainer to ask me to moderate.

Daphne: When I got to know about Club Penguin rewrites, I thought there might be a rewrite for Pixie Hollow as well and I stumbled upon a YouTube video which mentioned WTP. I really wanted to help out with the project in any way I could so that really motivated me to become a moderator.

Anastasia: I actually found out about the WTP project through Teresa, on another Pixie Hollow site where she first posted the Bubble Bounce demo! She even DM'd me about potentially helping out as an artist, which I've always wanted to do! However, due to my schedule being a bit too busy to consistently help out with game art, I never felt like I could apply. However, I've always tried to help out in other ways, such as when I was an Event Manager & hosted movie nights! When it was decided that movie nights were going to take a hiatus, I really wanted to continue helping out in the community, and thus, I became a mod!

Lila: I first found out about We The Pixies when I joined a Club Penguin rewrite. I hadn't thought about Pixie Hollow in years, but then I wondered if someone else had rewritten Pixie Hollow, so I looked it up and found WTP! As for joining the moderation team, I'd been pretty active on the server when the application opened up, and I really loved the community. I figured I'd give it a shot - worst they could say was no, right? Well, I ended up getting the role! It’s been a really great job ever since.

Gloria: I found out about We the Pixies while doing some Google searches and checking out the Pixie Hollow community this year. I definitely jumped at the opportunity to apply to be a moderator because I have so much passion for the project and wanted to help out and connect with others who also had interest. 

Rose: I found WTP through Phoebe Bumbleflip’s blog – she published a post promoting the remake and the Discord back in October last year. I don’t have any skills that can really help with the recreation of the game itself, but I wanted to contribute in any way I could, which is what inspired me become a moderator.

(Phoebe is a member of the WTP Hype Squad, you can find her blog here!)

The WTP community is mostly positive, but have you ever had instances where you felt like server members weren't being the nicest? If so, how do you deal with it?

Anastasia: Since I'm new to the staff team, I've only ever come across a handful of issues involving the members, and most of them resolve with ease. Typically, directing people to the rules and giving them a warning is enough.

Lila: With so many people in the server, it's not unusual to see something that isn't so friendly - usually, if an argument starts up in the chat, reminding people of the rules or starting a new conversation fixes things. If things are really bad, I might talk to someone individually and ask them nicely to be, well, nicer.

Gloria: In my time on the staff so far, we have had a couple trolls and people who haven't complied with the rules, and in that situation, we generally like to calmly message the person and ask them to comply with the server rules. In my experience thus far, this usually sorts out the problem. However, if the issue persists, the moderation team would consult each other and figure out how to deal with it further based on the severity of the behavior.

Rose: They’re very rare, but we have had to deal with some disputes with upset or angry members. Usually us moderators will talk and discuss the issue and then decide the best course of action together.

Kassie: There's always going to be someone unkind who comes across the server every now and then. I think the best way to handle it is to tell them what rule they're breaking and WHY it's important that they adhere to the rule. Ultimately, our rules are about respecting everyone in the community. If we can help them empathize and understand respect I think that's making strides not only in the WTP community but hopefully in EVERY community that individual is a part of.

We've had a few events in the WTP community, how does creating one come about and how do you plan it?

Anastasia: Excellent question! As a former Event Manager, I'm the right Pixie to ask!

It all starts with the approval of administration. Once the admins approve of it (and other staff have no issues with it), you can go forward and begin scheduling a time. We typically don't do events without having a proper schedule or time frame. We also try to accommodate other time zones as best as we can, since we know that WTP has Pixies from across the globe! Then, you need to designate certain responsibilities to people. This was the purpose of the Event Managers, since we were in charge of hosting Movie/Game Night. I have a lot of good memories hosting movie nights with Alchemist (Lavender) and Asteria! With other events, staff members are chosen to have either a leading role or a helping hand in making sure the event goes smoothly. Even if they aren't in charge, it is important to note that all events typically require staff supervision. Now, planning it typically involves a discussion among the staff (and any other WTP players that may be involved in helping out). We usually try to make sure that the community voice is heard, and that they can get involved! Our main goal is always to bring everyone together while having fun, and that is the foundation of all our events.

Daphne: The Hype Squad is the creative mind behind all the events we have. Since we can not have in-game events (which we definitely will once the game is fully developed), the Hype Squad tries to come up with flitterific events to keep us in the pixie hollow spirit while we wait. Our former team of event managers was behind the shorter events such as the numerous game nights and movie nights.

Lila: Starting an event is absolutely a team effort - no matter where or who the idea comes from, we like to talk about it for a while first. For example, I had the idea for Meadow Madness one night out of the blue, and I made sure to run it by the staff and Hype Squad before I started anything up. It ended up being a huge success - we had an average of 200 respondents per round, which was pretty neat for something I came up with in ten minutes.

Rose: There’s quite a bit of planning that goes on behind the scenes for events – a lot of events are actually planned by the Hype Squad (which I am a part of) or our social media team. An idea will be presented by a team member, and then we’ll all discuss it – what our thoughts are on the suggestion, and how we’d go about holding it if it were to become an actual event. If everyone on the team agrees and the staff are okay with it, we’ll then start deciding dates for the event and preparing things like banners and announcement posts. Sometimes we’ll also have one of our members act as coordinator too, to make sure everything is running smoothly during the event itself.

Kassie: I'm personally not one of the head honchos who puts events together, but it comes down to listening to a bunch of ideas and trying to figure out which one best fits the needs and desires of the community!

How do you fit working on WTP into your schedule?

Daphne: I finished high school in April and I can't really start college until quarantine is over, so I pretty much don't have anything to do at home right now so it's easy for me to make time for WTP.

Anastasia: I try my best to moderate whenever I can- usually in my spare time. We get a lot of newcomers each day, so there always seems to be someone who needs help getting verified, or a Pixie who needs some other sort of assistance. That's the thing about having such a large community: we always seem to have some moderating to do!

Lila: I actually have the apps I need for moderation (and social media work) on my phone - now that I'm not in school for the summer, I'm traveling a lot, so I don't sit down and use my laptop very often. I think I use Discord on my phone more than my laptop, actually. Using mobile lets me check the server whenever I have a spare moment, so I can keep up with things wherever I go.

Gloria: I have a really flexible schedule in general as school and life goes, so I am able to make time to moderate and spend a lot of time online.

Rose: Mostly by multitasking – I’m almost always online, even if I’m doing other things, so it’s not too tricky to keep an eye on the server throughout the day.

Kassie: It's hard sometimes, but the easiest way for me to stay connected is to keep my notifications on when I'm not busy with the mandatory things in life like my job, planning my wedding, and investing in relationships outside of the community. Giving myself the chance to walk away here and there leaves me refreshed for the next time I log on!

Two of our moderators, Kassie and Lila, also serve on our social media team, so we asked them a special question:

How do you use social media to grow the community?

Lila: Social media is a great place to post about game updates and community events. I've found that few posts get people more excited than posts about new game features. Update posts also let people know that, yes, we are still up and running! Sometimes people think we've shut down already, and social media helps us keep the project alive.

Kassie: Social Media is all about messages. I think what attracts people to join a community is to send a message they resonate with! In WTP's case, nostalgia plays a huge part in growing our community- we are trying to attract people who are excited about something they wish they had again.

One final question for all of our moderators: what’s your favorite part of your job, and is there a way it’s benefited you?

Daphne:  Definitely talking and getting to know so many people from across the globe. I'm always down for making new friends! For me, the most impact moderating for WTP has had is on my people skills. As a moderator, you have to ensure that everyone is following the rules and sometimes people need convincing to follow a rule. It also involves solving any issues related to the game/Discord server and communicating with the members in general, which really develops your people skills.

Anastasia: Honestly, my favorite part of being a mod is being able to interact with the other staff members. They're a really lovely and creative group of people, and it's fun bouncing ideas off of each other and figuring out what's best for everyone in this community! I wouldn't quit WTP for the world! Working for WTP has benefited me a lot as so far, it's helped me work on the ways I can help organize a community. Also, it is helping me work on my time management skills, as well as my ability to work in a team.

Lila: I think my favorite part of my job is, as corny as it sounds, watching this community grow! When I joined, we had maybe 500 users in the server, and we're well over 6000 now. I never thought that so many people would remember the game, but they do. It's remarkable, really. Working for WTP is probably the best volunteer position I've ever taken up. Moderating has really helped me learn how to think things through and get help when I need it. Working on social media has also been great for my writing and graphic design skills - I've got to say that I've gotten pretty good at color combinations!

Gloria: My favorite part of moderating is helping people in the player server and sparking interest and discussion among users. It's so much fun to reminisce about the hollow with other fans. Though I haven't been on the team for a very long time, it has already been lots of fun and I have really enjoyed connecting with the community even more and getting others interested in the revival project. And the other staff members are very cool people that are really rad to work with.

Rose: My favorite part of my job is welcoming new people to the server! Being a moderator has definitely helped with my problem-solving skills – working out ways to handle situations on the server.

Kassie: Being friends with the staff is my favorite part. It is always a joy to log on to laugh and learn with friends. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Asteria and I have created a pretty strong friendship (hopefully she agrees, haha). We've known each other for about 4 years now. She makes me laugh out loud and we've been there for each other in our victories and failures. Her friendship is one I deeply cherish and I hope we get to meet sometime in the future! I care a lot about connection, community, and friendship, so for me, being a part of this team is a way for me to foster those things and be a part of it! I think I've benefited from WTP by learning how to guide hard conversations and disagreements in a respectful manner. Many people think moderators just manage the community, but a huge part of our job is to aid staff in having constructive conversations. There are definitely ruffled wings here and there, but we always get through and I've really grown through those processes!

__________________

Thank you all so much for sticking with us during our interview series! We had a lot of fun answering your questions, and we hope you had a flaptastic time reading them.

[trainthief]

hi! i love your blog quite a bit, you really do have the most kind patient vibes and a very calming presence (+ your photos are so pretty). dunno if this is a tough question, but what are some of the pros/cons of living in wyoming? i've gotten attached to the idea of it, but i've never been.

hey thank you! I’m glad I'm putting some good out into the world. 

and that’s a very good question, it’s a pretty mixed bag for a lot of reasons. I have a special place in my heart for Wyoming because most of my best childhood memories are from the ranch my family used to run there, but I have to admit I may be a little biased. 

Pros would be: 

- amazing outdoors, really great public lands virtually everywhere, some of the prettiest and most interesting natural features, especially in the north 

- in that same vein, the wildlife is amazing. areas of Wyoming have the most natural biodiversity of anywhere in the US, and you can have really incredible animal encounters there 

- 98,000 square miles and 570,000 people living on them, meaning it’s larger than the entirety of the UK and has a population smaller than Alaska’s. If you don’t prefer a lot of personal space and solitude then this might belong in the cons column for you, but for me its something I really value. there’s still plenty of friends to be made, which is important, but the only traffic you ever really encounter is when someone’s moving their herd across the road. 

- no income tax, the lowest sales tax of any state, very low cost of living (unless you’re in Jackson). depending on the town, I can buy a small house there and land myself a mortgage equal to the amount I'd pay for a bedroom in a shared apartment in most moderately-sized cities 

Cons: 

- Less people means less access to city amenities. You’re going to have a hard time ordering takeout in a lot of places, and you’ll have an almost impossible time finding a restaurant open after midnight. 

- most republican state. This isn’t something that bothers me quite as much as it does others, because with the exception of a short time living in London I’ve only ever lived in places that were extremely red, so I’m used to navigating that. But if you’re not, it might be quite a culture shock. in my personal experience, actual uncomfortable confrontations are fairly rare, because it’s a very rural area people tend to prefer the libertarian approach of not bothering you if you’re not bothering them. but I do have the privilege of being an average looking white man, and the look I am most comfortable in is the same boring outdoors clothes everyone else wears there, so I dont really stand out.  (this is not, of course, to say that there’s no liberal people or no gay people in Wyoming. but you’re not going to want to toss around trump jokes willy nilly because you might end up in a fight) 

- wildlife. as much as it’s a huge part of what I love about Wyoming, it’s also something you might need to adjust to. Grizzlies, wolves, cougars, etc... Unless you’re going to stay indoors the majority of the time (in which case you should probably just live somewhere else), you’re going to need to know how to deal with wild animals. There’s a reason 60% of Wyoming residents own guns. If you’re not comfortable with a gun, carrying bear spray any time you go out into the backcountry is a must. 

- insane winters. I love the cold, so I don’t mind it. But there were a few times we’d get snowed in over the roof of our house, and we’d have to wait until morning to tunnel out. 

if the cons sound a bit much to you, you could also try living in Montana or Utah, both of which have amazing outdoors as well. there are more people - Utah’s population is still less than half of New York city’s alone, although I find myself wishing there were fewer people around me all the time regardless - and both are still very republican but finding some token liberals will be a bit less difficult. if living in a liberal area is important to you, you could try places in Oregon or Colorado, though Oregon has always felt less wild and exciting to me, and if you live in Colorado don’t live in Denver. as far as I can tell everyone there just wears expensive Patagonia jackets so they can be seen in them, and because the mountains are an hour away they never actually go outdoors. 

[saltyslack-toast]

#Knock The Book 2: The Devil All the Time

WELL, I MADE IT TO THE 2nd BOOK REVIEW OF MINE, MEANS THAT I’M A PASSIONATE AND PERSISTENT BITCH, PERIODT. No actually I’m just bored and got really nothing to do, so here I am making judgmental, invalid and uncritical book review just to ease my guilt for doing nothing at home (just so my mom see me working through my laptop).

Okay The Devil All the Time is actually my first English book. The story of how I got this book as a matter of fact is quite irritating and funny at the same time. My uni friend, she saw this book in a modest book bazaar near her hometown. She was reading the title and the word ‘devil’ just remind her of me, she bought it and just gave it straight to me…... I’m sad but like thankful???

It’s a secondhand and hardcover book but I don’t really mind, considering the fact that the quality is still very nice though, except the worn spots stained all over the cover that make the book looks very old. My friend bought this only for RP 25.000, yes dude you’re not misread this shit, it was THAT CHEAP (whoever sell and own this book before me, I really appreciate it). Although if you want to buy the new one, you can get this book for USD 26.95 which converted in rupiah would be RP 407.500, yeah its cost pretty fancy for broke students like us and I don’t know if the book’s supposed to be available in your local bookstore but I think you can find it in worldwide shipping online store like amazon or any other shop perhaps. The book’s cover illustrate a dying white mutt hanging on the ‘log’ and bunch of cross everywhere, the cover is actually make sense when you read the book. It published in 2011 by doubleday in United States of America. The Author is Donald Ray Pollock, and you can find the sum information about his background written on the cover, but based form the book’s cover you can also check his website in donaldraypollock.com but when I checked, I’m not sure if it’s really his website since it just like pest control website (LMAOO I HAD NO IDEA FR). Anyway,

Let’s go breaking down the book!

“… Too much religion could be as bad as too little, maybe even worse, but moderation was just not in her husband’s nature”

The whole story in this book, basically give you portraits regarding the life of lunatics in the time after WWII. Nope, there is no sums up about the events happened in that moment so chill y’all non-historical enthusiast bitches. This book gonna give you a bizarre experience reading it, the first 10 pages of this book was already psychedelic, I assure that shit. Have you watched Games of Thrones series on HBO? It’s chilling right how Ned Stark, the protagonist of the main series died in the first season???? EXACTLY that was the vibes u got after reading the first chapter and get crazier every time u read forward. By the way, this book embodied 7 chapters and 55 sub-chapters, the chapter in odd and even numbers has 2 different main focuses on each characteristic exist, here I sum it up for you:

On the odd numbers chapters (1, 3, and so on), the central story of these chapters is circling among the family of Willard Russel, his Mom Emma and Uncle Earskell and also those 2 insane peeps Roy Laferty and Theodore. Willard Russel used to be a navy army and a bit skeptical dealing with religion issues just like his uncle, but his mom has always been a devoted worshiper. Willard married to the beautiful and kind-hearted women named Charlotte and they was given a son named Arvin Eugene Russel, everything was normal until Charlotte got sick and Willard gone crazy praying to god for his wife’s recovery and poor little Arvin has to suffer the predicament by his own self. Their stories always give me religious-fanaticism-gloomy vibes (is that even make sense??). Don’t even get me started with the life stories of the two brutes-ass man, Roy Laferty and Theodore they were used to be ‘preacher’ in Emma and young Willard’s Church. Nothing I could say further because it’s gonna be a major spoiler for you, but their stories really giving you insights of how frustration and fanaticism allow people to do something beyond their common sense.

“You remember what I told you the other day?” He asked Arvin

“About the boys on the bus?,”

“Well, that’s what I meant, you just got to pick the right time”

On the even numbers chapters (2, 4, and so on), the main tales is pertaining on the journey of Handerson couple, Carl and Sandy. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde but sad and exploitative version in this book. Carl is a ‘photographer’ and sandy working as a waitress in a café called Wooden Spoon (Which the place where Charlotte used to work as a waitress and the place she met Willard for the first time as well). During summertime they got this ‘ritual’ ((but not in a religious way)) where they drive to different states and give a ride to the hitchhikers found on the way, then Carl forcefully offer them to fuck Sandy for free (HIS OWN WIFE) while he took pictures of them fucking and after that Carl kill them and take all the money those hitchhikers got in their pocket (dude I can’t even judge anything). But to be honest, I’m not a fan of these two characters because they were all so ANNOYING to death. And then there is Bodecker Lee who’s a police and also Sandy’s brother, ok that’s it, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers.

“… He went down the street and sat on a bench in a park the rest of the day thinking about killing himself instead. Something broke in him that day. For the first time he could see that his whole life added up to absolutely nothing…”

You might be confused since there are quite a lot of keen characters in this book but there’s a point where all these bitches are relating to each other, so chill y’all impatient gripe-ass. Overall, the flow of the story is undoubtedly interesting for you to keep going throughout the whole story, because every phase gonna make you wondering about next things happened to them. But, the transitions among every chapters is quite uncomfortable for me, because sometimes when the story has reached its climax there is no resolutions coming to solve the problem immediately, and you’re faced to read the new chapter with a whole different setting and characters so it’s kind of ruining the vibes and emotions the book has made me, but again this just my personal preference so please don’t judge (while everything I did right now is judging inaccurately).

“He realized that he would never preach again, but that was all right. He’d never been much good at it anyway. Most people just wanted to hear the cripple play”

However, what I like the most from this book is the deepening of every character exists is so fascinating, even for just the side or supporting character (for god sake I’m sorry idk what to called a character that isn’t the main one), for example a bus driver in Meade, Ohio which Willard talked to when he was on the way home after the war ended, the narration wrapped and portraits the driver’s life perfectly without make us bored, and there’s still a bunch of interesting narration about the life of the side characters in this book that also as odds and intriguing as the main character’s background (jesus, everything happened and everyone in this book is just so strange and peculiar I swear to god). The story finished in a most tragic-beautiful but still gloomy way, even though it’s quite predictable but still a very good closing for me personally. To be noted, on the way to the end of the story, there will be emerge another asshole priest character named Preston Teagardin, ready to shake you up until you finish the book. But still, let’s said this particular ‘last minute character’ has proving that the author is paying so much attention of how the story ended isn’t leaving any 'rush-made' impression (this shit might confused you I’m sorry my English hasn’t got any better *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign*). # hashtag attention to the detail bro.

Holy crap, that’s the first time I’m almost able to cut all the bullshit I intend to bring it up here.

This book is one of my top 5 books that you have to read once in a life time (although I haven’t discover the other four, omg im sorry y’all). Little information for you that the first time I read this book (yeah I read it for quite few times) is when the campaign of presidential election era, which in Indonesia the religious are pretty sentimental issues, some of the people in my country suddenly became those annoying fanatical preachers, man I can’t stand it. And this book is just precisely relating to that condition and I get to know at least a glance of what the heck odds things happened in their minds, since you know fanaticism and stupidity doesn’t hit only on particular group of religions, race, gender or anything, we can all be stupid and brainless (especially me because I basically have no brain). There probably quite many scenes that is pretty disturbing to read (I don’t know if people could be triggered by it???? But I guess so) so yeah a bit warning. Overall, I genuinely recommend this book for you guys because every element in this book is almost perfect, the storylines, bold characters, and the RARE AND STRANGE AND SENSITIVE topic promote by the author in this novel is totally a BOOM. Don’t worry reading this book not going to give you those agnostic and atheist vibes HAHA chill I still consider myself a devoted Muslim tho (hashtag masyaallah ukthi).

By the way before I wrapped it up, I hear that this book will be made into a netflix film. WELL, of course I’m excited because the casts are so amazing, and I love Netflix adaptation and I enjoy watch movies as much as I read books (again, unnecessary information of mine *sorry hand sign*). I found that the release date is postponed from the origin plan in 15th May (which is three days ago from I posted this on my page) due to I don’t know perhaps corona because that bitch has ruined everyone in the world’s schedule, but for real I can’t find the exact information regarding to the updated release date, so while you wait the film to launch, why don’t you just go read the book first? I assure you this one not gonna give you any disappointment.

I think that would be it for this 2nd rubbish book review of mine. Although, I think I made a little progressive from the first one (OR MAYBE NOT???? I’M SORRY Y’ALL) but of course there’s still much deficiency I served. Still, I hope my writing get better in the process of making this whole novel of reviewing book inaccurately. To be honest, I wrote this shit not for getting any engagements or audience but for my own satisfied HAHA. So yeah I’m literally comfortable writing for nothing. But bitch guess what I’m just gonna keep going, until I could professionally writing and make it for a living? Well, amen for that.

Xiao, See you in Advance!