#i miss the owls and doves that fill the morning by my grandma’s old house and the smell of the co-op and the river | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

willowfey · 2 years ago

Text

what do u do on days u wake up feeling empty and the only things that stir smth up in ur brain and body are memories of times/places that are long gone…. like what am i supposed to do with that….. i don’t feel like a person today i just wanna wake up in my childhood bedroom and smell the way it smelled in winter but i can’t do that so i just go through my day feeling vaguely nauseously unsettled and untethered…. and that doesn’t feel fair but i don’t know what can be done about it

#i know i sound like a broken record but i miss my trees. i miss feeling like i’m home. i miss feeling safe in my body.#i miss the owls and doves that fill the morning by my grandma’s old house and the smell of the co-op and the river #and the way the mountains look surrounding the valley. protecting me.#i miss the feeling of my hands on the window in winter and reading my favourite books for the first time i miss chris i miss my old bed #i miss myself. i feel like i’ve been lost for years #sometimes i wake up distracted and i fill my brain with anything i can find and i cheat the system and i feel things #for a little while. if i keep moving fast enough i forget that i’m lonely. i forget that i’m lost #but sometimes i stop and it catches up to me and i have to sit on the floor #sometimes i realise how far from home i am in every sense of the word and i feel like a child lost in a supermarket #except this time no one is coming to find me if i just stand still #i wake up and everything i can think of that would make me happy is a mirage #i wake up and the music isn’t enough and i want to start pedalling backwards and i feel like i’m floating very fast downstream #and there’s a waterfall looming somewhere in the distance and i can’t grab a log #im not gonna fall off. nothing is ever bad enough for anyone to worry about me drowning. but i am still very wet and very far from home #so what. do. i. do. ?#when i was a kid we lived in a house that had a very large oak tree out front (this was before the house with the willow tree)#at the base of the oak tree was a small fairy pond. we moved in during winter and it was frozen solid and u couldn’t see anything in it #but come spring it melted and we discovered the fairy pool was chock full of marbles of all colours and sizes. hundreds of them.#it was so thrilling to know they’d been waiting for me all winter to find them in the warmth. where are the marbles now #is anything waiting for me? is anything hiding in the frozen pond?#@the universe: i need a little help now pls. pls send me something small and colourful i wasn’t expecting. hundreds of them. or just one.#i am open to it all #because i can’t go back in time and smell my childhood bedroom in winter. and i will not go over the waterfall. so bring me marbles #~ signed yours truly. ps tell the trees i’m still the same

18 notes · View notes