#i might just take some aspirin instead and see if this headache goes away

[the-converse-high-top]

today is feeling like a monster kind of day

[once-upon-an-imagine]

Absolutely - Spencer Reid

A/N: I have absolutely NO idea where this came from and I know nobody asked for it but here it is xD number two of the story winners :) depending on how this story goes I might reopen the Criminal Minds fandom :D and I also want to thank @mycobrakai1972​ so much for your help, love :) 

Warnings: Spencer being an asshole (so he may be a bit OOC and it’s just in the beginning, but he apologizes :D) the reader stutters when she’s nervous and I think that’s it but always please let me know if I missed anything!

Disclaimer: I don’t own Criminal Minds :D gif isn’t mine :)  

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Absolutely 

This is the story of a girl Who cried a river and drowned the whole world And while she looks so sad in photographs I absolutely love her... when she smiles

It had all started as a shitty day.

"Good morning, Spencer" you smiled when he walked inside the break room.

"Morning" he replied, grumpily, making his way over to the coffee maker.

"Are you okay?" you asked, worried. It wasn't like Spencer to come in late. And you knew that if he was late, most likely he hadn't had breakfast. And you knew that if he hadn't had breakfast, it meant he had a headache.

"Yeah, I just have a headache" he confirmed your suspicion, pouring his coffee with sugar.

"Um... maybe you should eat something instead?" you suggested, knowing by experience that coffee would only make the headache worse and wondering if this was something that he should know, being a genius and all, or he simply didn't care. "I brought some banana muffins if you'd like one" you offered, grabbing the plate of muffins.

"I'm not hungry, thanks" he muttered, ignoring the grumble on his stomach. He loved your banana muffins.

"Oh, okay" you said, making Spencer feel slightly bad when your smile dropped. He had never declined one from you. "I also have some aspirin on my desk if you need-"

"I'm fine" he smiled firmly at you.

"Um, wait" you said before he could leave. You felt a little bad when you heard him sigh frustrated, but you still tried to smile at him. "Sorry, um... would you mind getting my mug down for me? Please?" you asked, pointing at the top shelf where he saw your mug. Spencer didn't say anything, but he placed his mug on the counter before he reached for yours and handed it to you.

"Why do you always put it on the top shelf?" he asked annoyed, not really waiting for a response as he left the room before you could even tell him it wasn't you who put it there or before you could even thank him.

You sighed, making yourself some coffee before you walked over to your desk, next to Spencer. He silently watched you offer the banana muffins to Derek, in front of you, and the rest of the team quickly came to get one. He heard his stomach grumble again. He didn't know why he had turned you down. He just wasn't in a good mood and really didn't want you to see him that way. He brushed it off, thinking maybe he could get one from you later, once his headache was over. Which was obviously getting worse with his coffee. But he knew it would pass.

Except it didn't. It had to be one of those long, horrible days filled with nothing else than boring paperwork. Morgan came over every ten minutes to go over something on his paperwork when Spencer fully knew it was because he wanted him to do it for him. He was too tired and fatigued to argue with him, so he would just correct what was needed and hand it back to him.

"Thanks, kid" Derek smiled, walking away from him. He had noticed you looking at him from time to time, but you quickly looked away when you were caught. "Hey, pretty girl" Spencer saw Derek walk over to you. "Is it okay if I take the last muffin?" he asked, pointing at the plate that only had one muffin left.

Spencer felt his leg shaking. He wanted to walk over there and said he didn't get a muffin earlier (skipping the part of you offering them to him before anyone else) and grab that last muffin. But he didn't. He saw you looking at him and he quickly went back to his work.

"Um... sure" he heard you say shyly as you looked back at Derek. "I don't think anyone else wants it" you replied.

"Thanks, doll. You're the best!" Morgan said, grabbing it, and walking away to the break room.

By lunchtime, everyone had picked up on Spencer's foul mood and had been avoiding him like the plague. It was unusual for the young genius to be so grumpy. But you imagined that him being late and disrupting his entire routine, not having had anything to eat, having a headache, and having to fix Morgan's mistakes, he was bound to explode at some point. Which is why everyone seemed to be tip-toeing around him.

When Penelope asked if you wanted to come to lunch with her and Morgan, you declined, saying that you were behind on your paperwork, which was a lie. You were almost done, and you wanted to help Reid with his since, you noticed he was actually behind, which was another odd thing to happen. But you could tell he wasn't being able to concentrate since he would press his hand to his forehead every few minutes, which meant his headache was getting worse. Once the bullpen was empty, you carefully approached Spencer and placed your hand on his shoulder, making him jump on his chair.

"Sorry, sorry, I... didn't mean to scare you" you apologized. "I just... wanted to know if you... um-"

"Yes?" he asked annoyed.

It was like you were delaying him on purpose. But in your head, this was your chance to get him to go to lunch with you. And maybe he could eat something, relax and you can give him the surprise you had brought for him.

"Would you want to go to have lunch with me? I n-noticed you haven't eaten anything a-and-"

"I can't. I need to finish this" he simply said, feeling even worse because of how deflated you became.

"Oh, well, I'm a-almost done with mine. I can help you i-if you'd like and just grab some sandwiches from-"

"That's okay. I can handle it" he told you.

"Oh, I d-didn't mean that-"

"Seriously, you should just go to lunch" he said, looking at you in a way he hadn't before. You felt a small pain in your heart and you decided to drop it.

"Um... o-okay" you said nervously. You walked over to your desk and opened your first drawer to take out a package of cookies. You at least had to try to get some food in him. "Hey, Spence, did you know that Fig Newtons are named after a town in Massachusetts and not after the scientist?" you asked with a small smile, walking back to him. Your smile instantly fell when he glared at you. He actually glared at you.

"Yes, I knew that" he lied. That was probably one of the very few things he didn't know. And he actually found it really interesting.

"Oh" you chuckled sadly. Of course, he knew. He's a fucking genius. "I just... thought it was an interesting fact" you muttered, placing the cookies on his desk. "Take a break and eat something, okay?"

You were gone before he could say anything else. Leaving him alone with the package of cookies in his hand.

The day was almost over. This was going to be your best opportunity. You opened your bottom drawer and saw the neatly wrapped book you had gotten for Spencer. He had barely acknowledged you for the rest of your shift. And now, that everyone else was gone, it was your last chance.

You saw Spencer coming back from the breakroom with his probably fifth cup of coffee and you noticed he didn't even wave goodbye to Emily and JJ who were just leaving. You took a deep breath and tried to convince yourself that this was still a good idea. You grabbed the gift, stood up, and slowly made your way towards his desk.

"Hey, uh, Spence-?" You startled him, making him jump a little and his coffee got on his shirt and some of the papers that he was working on. "Oh, my God! I'm so sorry, I-"

"What? What could you possibly need now?" he snapped, not even looking at you as he grabbed some napkins to clean himself and his desk up.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Oh no, of course you didn't. This is just classic of you. I mean, things just sort of happen around you and it's never your fault" he said, upset.

"S-Spencer, I get that you're upset, b-but I was just t-trying to-"

"Do you? Do you really get it because it doesn't seem that way! You have tried to annoy me all day!" he said, making your heart break into a million pieces. Spencer had never talked to you like this, or anyone else for that matter. His voice was full of anger. "Everyone else seemed to notice that I just wasn't in the mood to talk, but not you. Of course, you would still be here, trying to get my attention on something! You were really too much today! I just wanted to be left alone but you refused to just give me some peace! You can't just take a hint when you're being a lot, can you?"

The second the words left Spencer's mouth he felt like complete shit. He had no right to talk to you like that. Especially when you had tried all day to be nothing but nice to him. And when he turned around to face you and was ready to apologize, his heart shattered into a million pieces when he saw the wrapped present in your hands. You remembered. He was certain that everyone had forgotten. But not you. And he had just yelled at you. The look in your eyes was so broken, if anyone else had spoken to you that way, he would instantly want them dead. But it had been him. He had caused you that pain. Spencer could swear he saw the second the light in your eyes stopped. The light that was always there when you looked at him and now it was shut down. And it was all his fault.

"I j-just... uh-" you stuttered, something that Spencer hadn't seen you do in a very long time. "I w-was g-going to ask if you uh- n-nevermind" you said, quickly looking away from him and begging that the tears wouldn't fall from your eyes. "I'm s-sorry" you said, making him feel sick to his stomach. You were sorry. He snapped at you, and you were saying sorry. "Happy birthday, R-Reid" Reid. Not Spencer. Reid. You quickly placed the gift on his desk and left as fast as you could not noticing Spencer sighing and hitting his desk out of frustration. He was an idiot.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The next day, Spencer was the first one to come in. His leg kept bouncing up and down as he eyed your empty desk, waiting for you to arrive. However, he was interrupted when Penelope burst into the bullpen, heading out straight for Spencer's desk and making a fuzz about forgetting his birthday. She apologized endlessly and insisted that the whole team had to go out that night to make it up to him even if Spencer kept on insisting it wasn't a big deal.

He missed your entrance because everyone was surrounding his desk but he noticed when Penelope turned around to walk over to you.

"Hey, my favorite sugar plum" she smiled at you. "We're taking Spencer out to dinner because of his birthday" she explained. "Are you in?"

Spencer felt his heart racing, waiting for your answer. He desperately wanted you to come. Some part of him still hoped that you could forgive him for his previous behavior even though he knew he didn't deserve it.

"Oh" you smiled wearily and quickly looked in Spencer's direction. "I'm uh- I'm s-sorry, I can't t-today" you lied.

"Why not?" Penelope demanded. "This might be your chance to finally ask him out" she whispered so only you would hear.

"Yeah... I decided n-not to do that, Pen" you said, sadly. "I really d-don't think he's interested."

"Wait, did something happen?"

"No" you quickly said. "N-nothing happened I just... think it's best if I m-move on, you know? I'm gonna go get some coffee" you said, walking away before she could press into the matter any further.

Penelope turned to look at Spencer, who quickly pretended he wasn't just looking at that entire interaction and stood up to follow you.

"H-hey."

Spencer's voice startled you as you stood on the counter trying to reach for your mug. Because you jumped a little, you miscalculated where you placed your foot, making you stumble, miss the counter, fall to the ground, and hit your head.

"Shit!" you muttered under your breath.

"Oh my- shit!" he said, walking closer to you and kneeling down to help you. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Are you okay?"

"I'm f-fine" you said, bringing your hand up to your forehead.

"Why were you on the counter?" Spencer asked confused.

"D-Derek keeps putting my m-mug on the top shelf" you explained, making Spencer feel bad for thinking that it was you who placed it there so he would have to help reach for it.

"How do you know it's him?"

"I just heard him laugh about it with uh- Emily" you said as he helped you up.

"Well, that's mean, why don't you ask him to-?"

"It's fine, S-uh-Reid" you corrected yourself, missing the pain in Spencer's eyes when you didn't call him by his first name. "He only does it so-" you stopped midsentence. You know Derek did that so you would have to ask Spencer for help. They were all in on it. Even Hotch. You were sure. "N-nevermind" you finished.

"Um-" he said awkwardly before he easily reached out for your mug and offered it to you. "Here."

"Thank you" you said, quietly. You then moved over to make your coffee, hoping that Spencer would leave, but of course, he didn't.

"Um- listen, I wanted to apologize to you" he said, making you look back at him.

"You don't have to apologize, R-Reid" you told him.

"Yes, I do" he insisted. "I'm sorry I snapped at you" he said.

"Look, you were stressed, I g-get it. It happens. Honestly, don't worry about it. It's fine-" you said, trying to walk out of the break room, but he blocked your way.

"No, it's not fine" he told you. "While I appreciate you understanding that I was stressed, I still had no right to talk to you that way" he said, quietly. "Or said what I did-"

"It's o-okay" you insisted. And then, you said something that broke Spencer's heart even worse than it already was. "It's not like you're the f-first person to say it. I get it. I can be a lot" you told him.

Spencer was an excellent profiler. Everyone knew that. So, of course, he saw the way you were trying to brush it off as a casual comment. But your eyes were your biggest tell. And he knew that he had struck your weak spot.

"Hey, kids" you were grateful to hear Rossi coming in. "We got a new case. Conference room. Now" he instructed. Spencer sighed and looked at you before he walked out of the break room. "You okay, kid?" David asked, looking at you.

"Yeah" you nodded with a small smile. "Thank y-you."

"Don't mention it" he winked at you as you both made your way out and to the conference room.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The first thing Spencer noticed about the change in your behavior was your stutter. When you started in the BAU, this was the first thing he noticed about you. When you were so nervous to even speak out loud. He also noticed how it lessened once you started feeling more comfortable with the team.

And now, it was back. Not only that but because it was back, you became remarkably more silent. Because he knew this was something you didn't particularly like about yourself. He realized he hadn't paid as much attention to you as he should have. Because he had never really asked you about it, assuming you didn't like talking about the subject.

Also, now that you were not sitting next to him, as you usually did, it was the first time he noticed the way you took notes in your notebook. He saw that you took notes with different colors depending on which one on the team had made the observation. He wasn't sure if each color meant something to each person but he did see that his notes were purple and he wondered if it was a coincidence or if you knew that this was his favorite color.

On the flight, he noticed how quiet you were and that you did not talk unless you were spoken to. Mostly when Hotch would ask about your opinion on something, but other than that, you would only scribble away in your notebook. It killed him. He realized how much your input and your thoughts meant to him. You often participated a lot more even if it was just adding to someone else's comment. But now, it was as if you were almost afraid to speak again. And he knew it was his fault. And he also knew that he wasn't the only one who noticed.

The thing that surprised him the most was when you arrived to interrogate the family of the unsub's latest victim. While Emily and David went to the crime scene, Hotch assigned JJ and Derek to talk to the husband, Spencer and you were assigned to her son. When the kid's father informed you that he was deaf, you smiled kindly at him to let him know that you knew ASL. Spencer looked at you, surprised. He had no idea that you knew sign language. He turned to look at Hotch, who only nodded, meaning he probably knew and that's why he had assigned you to talk to the kid, and he followed you.

He watched you interact with the small scared boy who was about eight years old. Spencer saw his anxious face as the two of you entered the room and walked closer to him.

You knelt down to his level and placed your hand on the table, making him look up at you and you smiled kindly at him.

"Hello" you signed to him before spelling your name while also saying the words so Spencer would understand you. Spencer could tell you somehow felt more relaxed for some reason. "This is Dr. Reid" she introduced him. Spencer saw the boy look quickly at him and then back at you signaling quickly. You chuckled lightly. "No, he's a different kind of doctor" you informed him. "What's your name?" Spencer saw the young boy nervously sign his name and you smiled sweetly at him. "Luke?" you signed back. "Like Luke Skywalker?" you said, making a bright smile appear on the small boy who nodded happily. "You know, he was my favorite character in Star Wars. Dr. Reid made me watch them all" you signed to him.

"I did not" Spencer complained.

"Luke, do you mind if Dr. Reid and I ask you a few questions?" you signaled, ignoring Spencer's comment. Luke then signaled something to you that made you laugh, and it made Spencer realize how much he had missed your laugh. And he couldn't remember the last time you laughed with him.

"What?" he asked, curiously.

"He likes that your socks are different" you informed him, making Spencer smile at Luke.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Realistically this had been one of the shortest cases the team had in a very long time. Thankfully, you were able to catch the unsub on time, and in a couple of days, you were on the jet back home.

But for Spencer, this had felt like the longest case in his career. For some reason, it hadn't dawned on him, until now, how big was your part in his life. He had easily grown accustomed to you being there. Sitting next to him, talking to him about the latest movie you watched or the book he had recommended for you to read. Asking him to teach you to play chess. You were always there for him. He was only now acknowledging how much you actually meant to him. And he had screwed everything up.

"You haven't talked to her yet?" Spencer was snapped out of his thoughts by David, who sat next to him and he looked at him briefly before his eyes traveled back to you.

You were sitting by yourself in the back of the jet, with your headphones on. Aside from him and David, you were the only one that was awake. Even Hotch was at least resting his eyes, which rarely happened.

"She uh-" he cleared his throat. "She doesn't want to talk to me" he said sadly. "And I don't blame her" he told David.

"Well, that's where you apologize, genius" David informed him.

"You don't think I've tried?"

"That day in the break room? That was it?"

"Well, I just..." he sighed. "I don't even know what to tell her anymore. It's like she's a completely different person now" he said.

"So... this whole genius thing, does it not work when it comes to women?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're just realizing this. Now?"

"Realizing what?"

"That you're in love with her" David pointed out.

"What? I'm not- huh-" he chuckled. "I'm not in love with her... am I?"

"You tell me, kid. You're the one that has not been able to stop thinking about her and is desperately trying to get her to forgive you for... whatever it is you said to her" he explained.

"Yes, because it's the right thing to do. I upset her" Spencer said, trying to be logical.

"Yes, but you already apologized once. If it were me, or Hotch, or, Emily, would you still feel the need to apologize to us?"

"I've never said anything that hurtful to either of you. Or to anyone really" he insisted. "And the worst part is that she was just trying to be nice to me. She was the only one that remembered my birthday and all day she had tried to make me feel better" he explained.

"Well, that's what people do for the people they love" David told him.

"W-what?"

"You didn't know that either? You know, I'm starting to doubt if this whole genius is actually true" he laughed, making Spencer glare at him a little.

"She doesn't love me" he insisted. "We're just friends!"

"Uh-huh, so that's the only reason why she's always reading the books you recommend or watching the movies or the shows you like, so she has something to talk to you about" he started. "Or learning new fun facts to tell you about. And did you know that she's actually a really good baker? But for some reason, she only brings banana muffins into the bullpen. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe the first time she brought them in, you casually mentioned that they were your favorite" he explained.

And suddenly, everything made sense to Spencer.

"Why didn't I realize this before?"

"My guess? You took it for granted" Rossi shrugged.

"Well, what do I do now? I just started noticing things that I didn't before. I didn't even know she knew sign language and she..." he looked at you with his eyes filled with sorrow.

"She started stuttering again" David pointed out, making Spencer look down at his lap, sadly. "Do you know why she stutters? Or why she knows ASL?"

"No" Spencer admitted.

"Well, you can maybe start by... asking her" David suggested.

"But isn't that intruding on her personal life?"

"Or... maybe... she would feel like you're finally taking an interest in her" he told him. "You know, as she has been with you all this time" he instructed, grabbing his book and going back to the page he had marked.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"Hold the elevator!"

After landing, the team still went to the office to finish the case's paperwork. This time, Spencer was the first one to finish, while you were the last one. But he waited until you grabbed your things and made your way out. You held the door of the elevator, cursing a little at yourself for not letting it just close as Spencer walked inside.

"Hi" he said, with a small, awkward wave and you smiled at him. But it wasn't the same smile you always had whenever you saw him and it broke his heart.

"Hi" you said, quietly.

"Did you get to finish all your paperwork?" he asked and you simply nodded. "At least we have to morrow off" he smiled. "Do you have any plans?"

"Um... I don't know" you replied silently, looking down at your hands. Spencer felt a small pain in his heart. You were shutting him out.

"Could you please... look at me?" he said softly, waiting for you to do so but you kept your eyes on your legs. "Look, I am extremely sorry for what I said to you" he stated.

"It's f-fine-"

"No, it's not fine" he insisted before he pressed down the 'Stop' button and the elevator jumped a little before it completely came to a halt.

"S-Spencer, what are you doing?" you asked. He had no idea, but he was back to Spencer so he was not backing up now. "Don't you hate confined spaces?"

"Yes, I'm not particularly fond of them since I got stuck in one with Derek and-"

"Spencer!"

"Sorry, not the point! I need to talk to you, okay? I know you said it was fine but, what I said to you is it's not fine! Firstly, because I was an enormous jerk to you when you were only trying to make me feel better" he continued. "But mostly, because what I said wasn't true. It wasn't true at all! I know what being called something like that feels like. I know you've noticed how everyone reacts when I start rambling about my facts and you always listen to them and even ask me some questions about it even if you are not interested in them. And not just that day but, you've actually been doing this since I met you. And it is so stupid of me to not realize this until now, and I am so sorry and I am an idiot. I know I don't deserve it, but I really hope that you can forgive me. You can take as much time as you need. And I would love to get to know you better because you are honestly one of the most interesting people that I know. I didn't even know you knew ASL and if it wasn't for that and you being able to talk to that little kid, we might have not even been able to solve this case as quickly as we did. So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for snapping at you and being an asshole to you. I'm sorry for not paying the attention that you deserve, I'm sorry for taking you for granted, and if you let me, and forgive me, which again, I know I don't deserve, I would really like to make it up to you" he rambled incredibly fast before he pressed the button again and the elevator started moving once more, arriving at your destination. "W-well, I guess that's it" he said, awkwardly as he exited the elevator. "I could walk you to your car if you'd like- or-" he sighed. "N-nevermind" he said, before he turned around and was about to walk away.

"Do you need a ride?" you asked, walking out of the elevator after Spencer and he stopped, looking back at you. "Um- I know that y-you didn't drive today a-and it's on m-my way-"

"I'd love one" Spencer blurted out. You nodded firmly, smiling and walking over to your car with him. The ride was silent. It was too silent for Spencer's liking, but you were slowly talking to him again and he was not going to ruin it by pushing you to talk more than you wanted to. He would take what he could get.

"M-my brother is deaf" you said, suddenly, making Spencer stop and look back at you. "My l-little brother" you continued. "That's why I know sign language" you explained, noticing the hopeful gaze in Spencer's eyes as he looked intently at you. "I learned since I was a kid. M-my dad and my two older brothers were... n-not very nice people" you told him. "After my m-mom passed away, I only talked to m-my little brother" you smiled sadly. "Eventually I s-stopped talking altogether. For years. When I started t-talking again, it came back with a stutter" you told Spencer. "It still comes out when I'm n-nervous" you said.

"I still think it is really impressive that you know ASL" Spencer told you, making a small smile appear on your face. "I'm sure your brother appreciated it too" he said.

"He does" you nodded. "He's actually coming in a f-few weeks to visit" you continued.

"That's great" Spencer said, feeling optimistic that you were opening up to him. "Maybe you can teach me ASL. I have always wanted to learn" he told you.

"Wow" you gasped, dramatically. "Something Dr. Spencer Reid doesn't know that I get to teach him?" you mocked, laughing a little, which was music to Spencer's ears as you parked in front of his home.

"Hey, um... I really don't want to push my luck here but... since we're off tomorrow if... you don't have any plans m-maybe you'd like to go to eat or something?" he asked, nervously. "I mean, if you're not busy. And if you want to, I understand if you prefer to-"

"Um... well" you said, feeling yourself smile at how sweet he looked nervous. "I'm... not doing anything right now. And I'm actually really hungry" you said, looking at him.

"Oh... OH!" Spencer smiled back at you, making you chuckle a little. "Um... would you like to go somewhere? Or we can order something and w-watch a movie" he suggested.

"Takeout and a movie sound nice" you said, turning the car off, and the two of you walked over to Spencer's apartment.

"So, um-" Spencer started, as you noticed he got closer to you and your hands suddenly linked and neither of you bothered to remove it. "Are Fig Newtons really named after a town in Massachusetts and not after the scientist?"

"I think so" you smiled. "I saw it on an episode of the Big Bang Theory."

The End

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

A/N: ahhh xD I hope you liked it! :D again, depending on how this goes I might reopen tje Criminal Minds fandom to write more for it :) so, let me know what you think!

[amyscascadingtabs]

the way you keep the world at bay for me

post-the set up, a.k.a jake taking care of hungover amy, hungover amy taking care of sad jake, and mac caring mostly about himself because he’s a baby 😌

read on ao3

Jake doesn't get a lot of sleep that night, and for once, it's not even Mac’s fault. It's not even due to the pizza parlor simulator game either, although he does play a couple of rounds when Amy's finally snoring next to him after ranting to herself about the babysitter’s club for a solid ten minutes, but not even that can fully distract him from the dull sense of doom that's made itself at home deep in his chest. 

This is bad. Holt wants to see him tomorrow, and Jake knows there will be consequences. There has to be. There should be. He made a mistake, and he's going to get punished for it, and there is nothing he can do but accept his defeat. He already knows what he has to do; the nerve-wracking thing is the fact that it's still hours away, and his brain is spinning too fast for sleep.

He really wishes he could talk to Amy. She's sleeping on her stomach with her mouth open, arms straight out to the sides like she’s trying to push him out of bed, but he still can’t be mad at her. He hasn’t seen her this drunk since before she got pregnant, and he’s seriously worried about the hangover she’ll be sporting tomorrow, but he also knows she did it for him. Because they’re a team. Because she trusts him, sometimes even when it turns out he was wrong.

He wrongfully arrested someone. The sentence keeps repeating in his head, appears pasted in bold font on the inside of his eyelids if he tries to go to sleep, and displayed in luminescent letters on the ceiling of his bedroom when he gives up and opens his eyes again. He should have known better, has learned his lesson time and time again since his early days of constantly glorifying his job and letting his impulsivity get the best of him, and he still made a mistake.

  /

He just wants someone to tell him it doesn’t make him a bad person. If only Amy wasn’t so drunk he’s scared to wake her up right now, Charles wasn’t so devotedly biased in all questions involving Jake’s role as a detective, and Mac wasn’t, well… so completely unable to grasp any of the concepts involved in the question.

Amy lets out another mighty drunken snore, and Jake hopes she will consider it a testament to his love for her that he doesn’t voice record it. He turns his head instead and picks up his phone to go back to the pizza game. Maybe just a few more virtual customers will be able to lure him to sleep.

 ~

 He must have fallen asleep eventually, because when Mac does start babbling to himself over the monitor, the morning sun is shining through the windows, and Amy’s stopped snoring. She’s only moaning uncomfortably to herself now, and Jake’s guessing from her strained grimace that the headache has kicked in hard.

“I’ll get you coffee and aspirin as soon as I’ve checked on Mac,” he whispers to her with a kiss to her neck, and he thinks he sees the hint of a smile as she reaches out for him in what’s probably an attempt of a pat on the back, but ends up more of an unintentional slap to his butt. Or maybe she’s still drunk, and it is intentional. It’s hard to tell.

  /

Mac may have no clue about what’s currently going on with Jake, but at least it’s impossible not to smile when he hauls himself up and rocks back and forth on unsteady feet in excitement over the fact that someone’s coming to get him. He greets Jake with that wide grin that shows off all of his four teeth – two up and two down, and they’ve kept everyone up at night for weeks, but they’re so pearly white and cute so maybe it was worth it – and a laugh that’s been Jake’s favorite sound on Earth since the first time he heard it.

“Good morning, bud,” Jake tells his son as he lifts him up in his arms. “What do you say we get you a bottle and mama some coffee? Hmm?”

“Bah,” Mac repeats. Jake decides to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it means he agrees on the bottle.

“Bottle, exactly. You're so smart,” he says, booping his little nose and smiling as it makes Mac giggle. “Let's try another one. Dada.”

There's a tense moment of them both just staring at each other, and then finally, his son goes,

“Bah.”

“One day,” Jake says with a sigh as he carries Mac out of the nursery. “As long as you say me first, okay? We’ll get there. We’ll practice.”

  /

He puts Mac in the high chair while he tries his best to work the coffee machine and the bottle warmer at the same time. It's trickier than to be expected on almost no sleep, but at least he manages to pour the breast milk from the freezer bag into the bottle and not into his coffee this time. He's only made that mistake once (fine, maybe twice, and he kind of liked how sweet it tasted but he's never gonna tell anyone), but he suspects Amy's never gonna let him live it down. He gets Aspirin from the medicine cabinet while he waits, and puts a couple of slices of toast in the toaster. His own day feels already pretty much beyond saving, but at least maybe he can improve Amy's.

  /

Though, when she stumbles out of the bedroom, still in her pajamas with her huge glasses and hair on end and looking like she's either seconds from being sick or going straight back to sleep, he worries whether she might just be beyond saving, too.

“How are you feeling?” He asks as she gives him one drained look before walking up to the couch and face-planting on it with another pained groan.

“I think I might be dead.”

“That's called a hangover, babe. I think you used to be familiar with the concept once upon a time, but I guess it's been a while.” Jake grins at Mac, who only reaches his chubby hands out for the bottle out in response. “Toast?”

“Do I have to?”

“It's going to help.”

“Fine.” Amy pushes her head off the pillow to look at Mac. “He's not drinking the milk I pumped yesterday, right?”

“I poured that out for you. I know they say moderate amounts of alcohol are fine, but, well, you were speaking British.”

“Good call,” Amy mumbles as he puts the coffee, aspirin, and toast down in front of her. “See, this is why I married you.”

Jake just hums, but he does smile to himself as he goes to grab his own cup of coffee.

  /

“I wish I could call in sick to work today,” Amy says between bites of toast, and Jake looks up from where he’s absentmindedly brushing crumbs off the countertop while finishing his own. “My head feels like it’s going to explode.”

“I mean, you did very much go through contractions while managing an entire precinct during a blackout once. You could think about that?”

“No, this is worse than giving birth,” she states confidently, and Jake has to try very hard not to laugh. “Don’t tell my past self I said that. Or my future self if I ever give birth again.”

“Yeah.” He grimaces. “I’m pretty terrified to go, too.”

“Why?”

“Because yesterday? All of it?”

“Ohh.” Amy sighs. “Right. Maybe we should both just stay home.”

  /

Jake’s about to tell her how much he wishes that was an option when Mac drops the finished bottle against the tray, immediately starting to twist in his seat. Jake unclasps the belt and lifts him out before he manages to rock the chair – that kid’s shockingly strong – and Mac immediately crawls away towards the walker. He doesn’t use it to move yet, but he’s been pulling himself up with it for over a month, and the anticipation is high every time he lets go with one hand only to sit back down on his booty the next second. Sometimes Jake could swear his son does it for attention. At least Mac doesn’t seem to have inherited his impulsivity, Jake thinks, and then he’s back to beating himself up in his head.

  / 

“I just don’t know why I did it,” he mutters as he sits down on the floor next to Amy’s head on the couch. She nods slowly, and Jake takes it as a sign she might actually be able to listen to him now. “I should know better, right? These are, like... the kind of mistakes I used to make. I thought I’d gotten better at this kind of stuff. Smarter. Less impulsive. Less of a bad cop. But instead I arrested and tailed an innocent man, all because I thought I had a gut feeling and thought I was being set up.” He shakes his head. “I guess that FBI jerk was right about gut feelings.”

“You’re a great detective,” Amy says without missing a beat. “A lot of the time, your gut feeling is right.”

“That doesn’t excuse it. I still shouldn’t have done it.”

“No.” Amy sighs. “You shouldn’t have.”

“It sucked.”

“Yeah. It did. But there’s nothing you can do to change it now.”

“Do you think I’m a bad person for it?” The question comes flying out of him, and Amy frowns.

“Why would I think that?”

“Because it was a shit move! And because I’m definitely gonna get suspended for it, and that’s going to lose us money. And then we’re not going to be able to save as much for Mac, or pay for his baby music class or baby gymnastics. And then he’s going to end up broke and untalented and it’ll all be my fault, and then you’ll be ashamed of me and leave me and I’ll die sad and alone in a ditch.”

“And you don’t think you’re spiraling just slightly right now?” Amy asks. The smile on her lips is one of amusement, and it humbles him, bringing him out of his cycle of self-pity.

“I don’t know. I didn’t get a ton of sleep last night.”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person,” she says, and that does make him feel a bit better. “I think you made a really stupid mistake. There's no getting away from that. I’m not happy about it. But… I know you'll take responsibility for it. That’s already a whole lot further than a lot of people care to go.”

  /

Her fingers brush through her hair, calming him as she speaks. The hangover has made her voice a little scratchy, Jake notices when she's this close. It reminds him of mornings after long evenings out before they were parents, a time that always feels far longer ago than it was. Sometimes he thinks everything before Mac might as well be another lifetime.

  /

“And we'll work it out if you do get suspended,” Amy continues, talking over the obnoxious melody playing from a toy Mac has found. “It's not great, of course. But we can save lots of money on daycare if you stay home with Mac. That helps.”

“Like a paternity leave,” Jake says. He does like that thought.

“Oh yeah.” Amy laughs. “You’ll be just like one of those hip Scandinavian dads who get to stay home with their kids because they live in countries where they don’t hate people for having kids. And you two can go to all of the cool classes and playdates together. You’d be the sexiest dad at baby swim class for sure.”

“Wouldn’t I also be one of the only ones?”

“Good point. Make sure to mention your wife a lot. But hey, Mac’s going to love it.”

 /

As if wanting to confirm Amy’s point, Mac crawls over to Jake and tries to climb up on his knees to sit in his lap. He does this sometimes when he’s playing on his own; retreats to their arms for a hug or a quick cuddle, only to try and wriggle out of their grip and go back to whatever it is he’s doing in the next moment. Jake thinks it might be one of their son’s sweetest qualities. Mac rests his head against Jake’s chest, almost hugging him like that, and he wonders, not for the first time, how a person that’s not even one year of age can make every other issue in the world seem so insignificant. Even if it's just for a moment, it's a pretty damn good moment.

 / 

Fueled by the most powerful motivation of all – their son’s love and attention – Amy sits down on the floor too, patting her knees.

“You want to come to mama, Mac?”

Mac squirms for a moment in Jake's arms, and Jake lets go of him. Using the couch as support, for a second it looks like he’s almost about to take a step toward her. Both parents gasp in anticipation, and it must confuse him, because he reacts by giving Amy a shocked look and sitting right back down on his butt. Jake laughs as their son crawls away again, heading for the soft building blocks outside the playpen.

“He's such a tease.”

“He gets that from you,” Amy says, and Jake huffs in mock-offense. “Are you sure we shouldn't just stay home from work?”

  /

Jake thinks of his upcoming meeting with Holt. He's been fearing it for so many hours now, and he's starting to wonder if the anxious anticipation might just not be worse than the meeting itself. He already knows what he has to do; the only thing left is to rip off the band-aid.

“I don't think it will make anything better if we don't.”

“Yeah.” Amy sighs, closing her eyes and leaning on his shoulder. “I love you.”

“Love you too. And you should probably shower and put on makeup unless you want everyone to know exactly how hungover you are.”

“I know you're right, and I hate it.”

Jake grins and strokes her hair before getting up from the floor. “I’ll go get Mac ready for the day.”

  /

“Jake?” Amy calls out before he can leave for the nursery with Mac in his arms, and he turns around. Her voice is still a little hoarse.

“Yeah?”

“It's going to be okay, babe. We’ll figure it out.”

 / 

Jake brushes his fingers through Mac’s already unruly curls. He thinks of playground dates, the storytime for toddlers their library holds every Wednesday, and how much time he’ll have to make sure Mac says his name first now. Then he thinks of the bigger image; of daring to set a good example for this child, even when it's hard. If he wants the world to be a better place for his son, he's going to have to start by taking responsibility for his own actions.

“Yeah. I know.”

  /

For the first time that day, he dares to believe it.

[afreakingdork]

Jessica Jones Season 3 A.K.A. Morality

I genuinely believe that the writers of Jessica Jones season 3 have no idea what morality is supposed to mean or how it applies to basic situations. We can start on this, of course, with the friction between Trish and Jessica. The series starts with Jessica doing everything she can to keep ties severed with Trish, while Trish tries in vain to chase Jessica down like a puppy so they can ‘team-up’ like old-new times with Trish’s shiny new powers. Episode 2,  “ A.K.A You're Welcome,” paints a more full picture by showing Trish’s side of the conversation. Overall, the whole thing falls so flat for a variety of reasons. I can applaud Trish’s dedication to really honing her craft, but even this is something she tries to hold over Jessica. She offhandedly remarks that Jessica could train once in a while and hints often at her inferred superiority because she actually wants to be super, or she has the right attitude to be super, or she has the actual drive to be super. All of which, paired with Rachael Taylor’s insufferable acting, makes seeing Trish feel like nails on chalkboard every single time. Trish doesn’t understand that her store bought powers and being a hero aren’t something to play around with or have moral superiority about, but she refuses to listen to anyone or even reason. It’s mind boggling because while, we know Trish has always been jealous of Jessica’s power, she of all people should know about what Jessica has been through. They were sisters against the world their whole lives, Jessica doing her best to protect and support Trish from her mother’s abuse and Trish full well knowing Jessica is basically alone in this world, not to mention all the time and everything else that she lost to Kilgrave. Jessica is a wounded soul and her powers have everything to do with that, but all that just goes out the window because Trish wants powers and Trish thinks she knows better and the show is happy to say both Trish and Jess are equally bad. Even in the end when Trish finally realizes she is the bad guy, she has to go off the deep-end and then even further into the pool before the show will even let her admit it and then it gives no time for the weight of this statement to take affect and instead just moves on.

However, let’s move back to respective family histories, there’s a line that really enraged me in episode 5, “A.K.A I Wish,” where Gillian says “I'm sick of people throwing away friends and family like there's plenty more where that came from,” because Trish and Jessica won’t talk out their issues. There are some things that you can’t come back from with family and friends, especially when they aren’t willing to move their opinions on it. There are plenty more people that you can become friends with or even make your new family (it’s called found family and is huge especially in comic books) because it’s insanely toxic to stick with someone just because you’re related to them or have been friends for a long time. It’s really hard to play along with this sentiment, especially when in episode 6, “A.K.A Sorry Face,” you have Trish and her mom, Dorothy, really go head to head about Dorothy’s abuse towards Trish. Trish’s whole life has been shaped by her mother’s abuse. She never had a moment to think for herself because Dorothy was always controlling every second of it and it was the reason Trish has resorted to drug use and relapsed multiple times, but the moment Trish, justifiably so, tries to mention this her mother flips out and still has the gall to make it about herself. When Dorothy storms out you can see that from Trish’s weak attempts to roll back on it, again a completely justifiable comment, that the show thinks that Trish is in the wrong here. Sure, Dorothy’s points on Trish’s flippant attitude towards her own safety were, in my opinion, needed; Trish is heading down an insane path where all she can see is the glory of supering and can’t see how dangerous or miserable it is (which is crazy because she’s been Jessica’s sister basically their whole lives and seen all the horrific shit Jessica has had to go through, but I’ll get to that later). Good and bad aren’t so black and white, and this show refuses to play with that. Just because Dorothy and Trish have the most precariously stable relationship now, doesn’t mean Trish isn’t still allowed to be upset about the lifetime of verbal and physical abuse she’s had to endure. 

When you compare that matter to Trish telling Jessica that she needs to get over being upset that she shot her mom, it adds a whole new layer of ‘what the actual fuck?!’ to Trish that the story isn’t particularly interested in delving into. The story seemingly wants you to agree that both Jessica and Trish are equally at fault for what’s happening. Jessica is being too callous and gatekeeping Trish, while Trish is acting rogue and playing like being super is fun. It’s insane because we see Jessica already struggling with her mother’s influence. She was already destroying herself in season 2 because her mother was evil, but also she was the last vestige of her family who still happened to be alive. In her last moments, Alisa was going to turn herself in to the police and imparts on Jessica that being a hero is worth it. It’s almost comical looking back on it now, seeing how holier-than-thou Trish has become, and knowing that she shot Jessica’s mother in cold blood because she believes it was right. Sure, Jessica doesn’t seem to have told Trish the full details of her mother’s turn in those final moments. The show fails morality yet again, when even the question comes up in conversation between Jessica and Trish, Jessica only goes so far as to say ‘it was my mother.’ Jessica completely neglects to mention that her mother turned good in her last days after getting a taste of heroics and instead plays the ‘she was my family and you didn’t give me a choice in whether or not I should keep them’ card, that makes no sense to the total overarching argument to who is in the moral right. You can say that Jessica is a terrible negotiator when it comes to getting her point across verbally, and you’d be right, but that isn’t what the show is trying to illustrate and it’s beyond irritating.

This piss poor morality spread and infects other characters in season 3 also. We have the manifestation of morality with the introduction of Erik, who gets a physical response to evil. Nothing has bothered me more than when Malcolm scores a 3 on Erik’s bad-o-meter. Malcolm is grappling with the bad things he has done for Jeri because he thought he could justify it with the money and experience he would get now to fund him fighting for justice later, but even that wasn’t enough. Long before Erik pinged Malcolm as bad, Malcolm was already trying to atone for what he had done, physically might I add, he should have gone to the hospital for peeing blood after getting in a car accident to get a drunk driver off the streets. It makes Malcolm physically and mentally ill and he even takes time off work to consider his position and this is the moment that he pings a 3 (and, not to mention, Trish doesn’t ping at all)!? How can someone who feels guilt, knowns what he’s doing is wrong, and even takes a break to take a look at himself ping at all on the scale when Jessica is supposedly so good that she is anti-bad-dar for Erik and acts like aspirin for his bad guy headaches?! To add insult to injury, Malcolm cheats on Zaya with Berry because he’s... struggling with maybe becoming evil for some reason, but only long enough for him to immediately roll back and work as a double agent for Jeri so he can actually help Jessica put Sallinger away. Even that is short lived, when he just comes clean and quits to clear his conscience and starts to atone. It’s like the show realized that the tension between Malcolm and Zaya wasn’t enough of a morality issue and they had to have Malcolm do something extra bad to justify, again, that both parties are equally wrong in the matter. In the end though, they end up just reinforcing multiple times that Malcolm was the bad guy and Zaya never had an issue. Progression is a good thing, right?

Malcolm and Zaya are at each other on the ethics of lawyering, something that was handled much better in Daredevil and even that show had it’s faults, but nothing will enrage me more than Jeri’s line in episode 7, “A.K.A The Double Half-Wappinger,” of “...it is not our job to assess guilt or innocence.” While that is technically correct, there is a huge glaring problem with how the show is using it. The show is obsessed with the alleged portion of Sallinger’s guilt, in that he is so smart he leaves no evidence behind and is always multiple steps ahead of investigators trying to find a mistake on his trail. Only criminal defense attorneys do not decide if the client is innocent or guilty. While that is Jeri’s position as Sallinger’s attorney, this type of attorney's concern is whether there is sufficient evidence to prove that someone has committed a crime since the jury or judge will be the one’s actually deciding the verdict. The thing is, especially based on her past history with Jessica, is Jeri does have this information, albeit not as evidence, but she still tries to proceed as if Sallinger is still innocent until proven guilty. It’s a complete implosion of Jeri’s character when she already is grappling with everything falling apart with her ALS and Kith. It’s mind boggling to think this is the same Jeri who entrusted Jessica in episode 1, “A.K.A The Perfect Burger,” to take her life when she can no longer make the choice herself due to her illness. Jeri then goes on to declare war on superheroes, for what? Short term retainer of Sallinger could distinguish her firm from it’s accused ties to powered people, but long term she knows he is in truth a serial killer and having taken his case knowing so will destroy her firm a million times more than Peter Lyonne’s suicidal statement ever did. She feels like supers are undermining her as if Jessica is trying to take advantage of her ALS and make her look weak? This is a far cry from the Jeri Hogarth that was accused of murdering her first wife or the Jeri Hogarth that was ten steps ahead to blackmail her partners from trying to force her out of the firm she helped build and get her fair share. This isn’t the Jeri we love to hate, this is just hatred to put more pressure on Sallinger’s inane hatred of super people. She’s somehow, even though she never showed interest and expressively talked back to him when he was spouting his drivel, bought into the weaker man philosophy of supers having cheated to better positions in life and has, in her mind, made her whole existence of failures hinged on them trying to make her feel weak. An unfathomable turn for her character indeed, but this is a show that thinks that digging up dirt on someone and releasing it to try to get with their wife is equivalent at all to a man pushing his wife into an open marriage to cheat and skimming money out of their dead daughter’s non-profit foundation. Jeri should have told Kith no question. I don’t think she should have done it the way she did or for the reasons she did, but we are operating on a 20% bad scale vs. an 80% bad scale. Also, Peter Lyonne was such a shithead that he would rather kill himself and blame Jeri in the process than deal with a little jail time for being a fuckface. Crying that he should have had his chance to tell Kith like he was planning on it. Through Laurent they insinuate that the show absolutely makes Jeri out to be the monster in that situation. It honestly makes me think these writers need to take a course of morality or even just watch a few episodes of The Good Place so maybe they could have a real actual human opinion on what is good and bad. I’m worried about them.

[writehardwhumpharder]

Don’t leave Carson alone with a fever

More young Carson. In this one he is 17 and has to stay home from the school with the flu. What starts out as a normal flu gets out of hand because of course it does. Whumpy.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25833043 (Ao3 link)

“Mom!” Carson yelled from his bed lazily, “Mommmm! Momm!”

“Oh for fucks sake what is it?” She said, throwing open his bedroom door. Some days she felt like she was still raising a five year old.

“I’m sick I can’t go to school.” He stated.

Carson’s mom glared at him for making her stop getting ready for work just so he could tell her that, “You’ve already missed too much school.” She turned to leave.

“No, but I’m actually sick.” He protested. Now that she looked, the dark circles under his eyes did look a little worse than usual against his pale skin. 

She sighed, “Carson, sweetheart, when you’re an adult you have to go no matter how hungover you are.”

“I’m not hungover!” He yelled.

“Don’t lie to me,” she said firmly.

“I’m serious!” He whined.

“Fine,” She closed the door and Carson listened to her footsteps retreat. He knew that that didn’t mean he was off the hook and he could go back to sleep. She was going to get the first aid kit and so she could go all nurse on him and find out for herself whether or not he was telling the truth. If he didn’t try to get out of school like this at least once a week he’d actually be insulted by how little she seemed to trust him. A minute later she came back with a small box that had the thermometer in it. In her closet was a much bigger first aid kit stocked with medical grade supplies that had been “misplaced” at the hospital where she worked. Carson’s mom thrust the thermometer at him and he let her place it under his tongue. Her wet hair dripped onto the end of his bed, she obviously hadn’t had time to dry it before he interrupted her routine.

It beeped three times and she pulled it out to look at it. She was careful not to make any kind of expression that would allow Carson to say he told her so. “Hmmm, it’s a bit high.”

I fucking knew it. “What does it say?” he asked.

“102.1. Definitely a fever. Come here.”

Carson reluctantly sat up and leaned against the wall opposite her already knowing what she’d do next. With absolute focus she felt around his neck and throat for any swelling in the lymph nodes.

 “Seems normal. I’ll let you stay home but you have to take some medicine and promise to email all your teachers about your missed classes.”

“Whatever. Can I go back to sleep now?” He asked.

“Take some ibuprofen first. I have to get to work.” She leaned in to kiss his forehead which Carson of course had to make a look of disgust at that went completely ignored by his mother. Knowing she’d be running late now he didn’t ask for anything else before she left to finish getting ready. He let his head sink back down into his pillow. He really did feel awful. Probably caught some kind of virus from school. A familiar ache settled into his bones as fatigue threatened to drag him back to sleep. He knew he should get up and get the medicine like his mom told him to but he was just so tired. The mere thought of moving made him nauseous so Carson decided to take a little nap to escape his discomfort.

Oh god. He was drowning. Carson was sure of it. While he was sleeping a river must have come through and gotten his bed all wet and sticky. He tried to move his legs but they were trapped in the current. His eyes snapped open suddenly and Carson looked down to find that he was still in his bed and while it was soaking wet, it was actually because he had sweat through the sheets which also explained why they were sticking to his legs. He kicked them off, letting all the blankets on his bed slide onto the floor. The fresh air on his body felt refreshing for a solid three seconds before he became unbearably hot again. Fuck, what time is it? He rummaged around in the crack between his bed and the wall for his phone and ended up pulling it up off the ground by the charging cord. He turned it on, 11:47am. Shit. He had slept for hours. And over the course of those hours he had only gotten worse. If he just took the damn fever reducers in the morning he might feel fine by now but instead his sick ass let it get worse and worse until he woke up covered in sweat with a pounding headache. Good job, Carson, good job.

He slowly sat up and winced as a ray of sunlight from his window lined up with his eyes. It sent shooting pain into his head along with an overwhelming surge of nausea. The instinct to not throw up all over his bed kicked in and got him up and running for the bathroom even though just seconds before he would have thought running to be impossible. Since he was alone in the house, Carson didn’t bother to shut the door before falling in front of the toilet to hack up everything he had eaten in the last 24 hours, or by the looks of it, everything he’s eaten in the last 17 years of his life. He definitely had the flu. Carson didn’t really mind throwing up though as long as it was quick. Is that strange? Don’t most people hate it? At least for him once he was done the feeling of nausea went away so it was worth it to just get it over with. He leaned against the tub for a good long while before moving again. He was going to go lay back down, again forgetting that he’s supposed to take medicine for this, but the phone rang and interrupted his thoughts. He found one of the house phones on its charging stand in the hallway and answered.

“Hello?” He said, surprised how hoarse his voice sounded.

“Oh, hello, I’m from the school. I’m calling for Diana Hall?”

“Well too bad, you got Carson,” he said. “She forgot to call and excuse me didn’t she?”

“Yes it seems she did, can I talk to her?”

“No, she’s at work. Just go ahead and write down that I can’t come in because I’m dying of the flu.” With that he hung up. They would probably just call her cell number next but either way, it was no longer his problem. Carson put the phone back on it’s stand hearing his mother’s voice in his head saying “stop leaving the phones in random places, they need to charge”. He almost took it back off the stand just to be a little shit but he didn’t. Truthfully, his mom was the one person he shouldn’t cause trouble for. She worked long shifts and spent all her free time at home cooking them food, cleaning the house, and worrying about him. As he stood there in the hallway reflecting on his life, Carson felt a little bad for being so incapable of taking care of himself. His mom never complained though, she was an angel like that. He wished she was here now to take care of him because he was indeed doing a shit job of that himself. Ugh, time to go lay back down.

Carson dragged his feet as he walked the whole three steps back to his room, perks of living in a small house. He crawled onto his bed and sighed. How was it possible to ache even more when lying down? A loud ding by his head startled him awake again, which was strange because he didn’t even realize how close he was to falling asleep again. There was a text from his mom. 

“Remember to drink water and try to eat something. There’s soup and broth in the cupboard that you can microwave. Take more medicine every four hours. Love you!”

His eyes were a little blurry when he tried to read the small text but he managed. That was all good advice. He should really do all those things. He should go do them right now before he forgets…

---

The next time Carson wakes up he knows he fucked up. His entire body shook with chills and yet again his bed was soaked with sweat. It was a lot like earlier that morning except he felt a million times worse. The headache had turned into a full blown migraine and his fever must be pretty high too considering how freezing cold he felt. This was bad, really bad. He tried to get up to go find the thermometer but only succeeded in falling on his face. His arms and legs didn’t want to cooperate with him. The ache he felt before was now accompanied by severe weakness. So severe that he knew walking anywhere would be impossible. He would literally have to crawl to the bathroom. Thank god no one was around to see this. He must look pathetic.

The fever made it really difficult to keep his thoughts in order so Carson had to repeat his task in his head over and over again until he got it done. Go to bathroom, check temperature. Go to bathroom, check temperature. Go to bathroom, check temperature. Fuck. The first aid kit with the thermometer was kept in a high cupboard which he would have to stand up to grab. Using the sink, he pulled himself up to his feet and leaned heavily against the wall. Carson had to stop and catch his breath before reaching up to grab the box. His legs shook with the effort of standing and his head swam with dizziness. Carson managed to drop the box onto the lid of the toilet as black spots took over his vision. It was the same feeling you get when you stand up too quickly and everything goes black for a second as you sit down before you actually get to the point of passing out. He almost didn’t want to know how bad he let his fever get untreated but he needed to know so he could decide what to do next. One thing was certain though, he needed to take some fever reducers stat. Luckily he found a small packet of aspirin in the box so he wouldn’t have to stand up again to grab the bottle above the sink. As Carson tore open the small pouch he realized he didn’t have any water to wash them down with. Pills or not he definitely needed to drink something if he could stomach it. The sink was too far away but the bathtub wasn’t.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” he muttered to himself before he turned on the water and leaned far enough into the tub to put his mouth under the stream of water. He swallowed the two pills with it and took another couple sips but had to stop because the stale taste of tap water made his stomach turn. Carson turned off the water quickly and gagged into the tub. As much as he wanted to throw up he couldn’t let himself because then he’d have to take more medicine and in the state he was in he wasn’t sure if he’d even get that far. It took a minute or two for his stomach to settle down and stop trying to eject what little fluids it had. Now that he thought about it he hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day. That on top of throwing up earlier meant that he was almost definitely severely dehydrated. Those couple sips of water wouldn’t be enough but if he tried to force more down he’d lose it again pretty quickly. That was a problem for later though, he still needed to take his temperature. This part was significantly easier than the others as all he had to do was sit there with the thing in his mouth until it beeped. Carson’s eyes slipped closed and he would have fallen asleep sitting up if the obnoxious beeping didn’t snap him out of it. Carson pulled it out of his mouth and struggled to focus his eyes on the tiny numbers. He had to blink a few times but there it was, 104.8. Holy shit. Did fevers even get that high from just the flu? Did he have a raging infection that he didn’t know about? Had he overused his magic and forgotten about it? More likely this was just his punishment for not listening to his mom and neglecting to do anything to break the fever earlier. The smart thing to do would be find a phone and call his mom but he wasn’t even sure if he had the time for that. Carson wasn’t sure how high a fever had to be to be dangerous but his was certainly getting there. It was getting harder to stay awake too.

“Something, gotta do something…” he rambled to himself. He racked his brain for a solution to all his problems. What would his mom do in this situation? No… he couldn’t. No way… Even as he was denying it to himself Carson got back on his hands and knees and started crawling towards his mom’s closet. If he couldn’t get himself to a hospital he’d just bring the hospital to him. Or the next best thing at least. Maybe he could have gone back to bed and everything would have been fine but he just as easily fall asleep and die or something. Carson just didn’t trust himself to pass out at this point. If he didn’t do something now he’d lose his chance. 

He pushed open his mom’s closet door. There it was, the big first aid kit. His mom had an entire crate full of medical supplies stashed away for emergencies including everything one would need to do surgery at home, various medications that she couldn’t possibly have obtained legally, IV kits, needles, oxygen, and some other stuff he didn’t recognize. Carson wondered if she had all this stuff just because she could or if she went through a lot of  trouble to sneak this out of the hospital because of how unpredictable he was. She never knew what kind of reckless injuries he’d come home with, especially when he was a little younger and even more depressed. Remembering each time they had opened this crate in the past he realized that having it really was justified. Carson sifted around through the supplies until he found what he was looking for. His mom had been smart enough to put everything he’d need into one plastic bag labeled “Saline IV”.

He dumped out the contents onto the floor in front of him and stared at them in confusion. He knew how to place an IV but it was admittedly harder to figure out while his brain was busy frying itself. There were a lot of tubes and for a second they moved around on the floor like snakes. What the fuck? he thought, Oh yeah I’m hallucinating. He put one hand down on them so they couldn’t move and used the other to sort out the supplies. He found the actual IV bag and attached the first tube to it then pulled a hanger down from the pole above him that his mom used to hang all her sweaters and jackets in the warmer seasons. The small hole at the top of the bag was big enough to get the curved part of the hanger through then with some difficulty he hung it back up next to the sweaters. Damn, a sweater sounded pretty good right about then, he was freezing. Why was he so cold? The fever, can’t forget about the fever. With the bag situated he turned to the more difficult parts of the IV. Carson found the little plastic piece attached to a needle that was used to put a tiny tube into the vein. Most people don’t realize that it wasn’t actually a needle that stayed in the vein, the needle was only used to insert the flexible tube then was removed. Otherwise it would hurt every time someone moved their arm. After taking inventory of the rest of the contents of the bag he finished assembling the IV and made sure there was no air in the tubes. Now for the hard part, actually inserting it. Carson tried not to think about it as he sanitized the needle and spot on his arm he planned to place it. His mom made him practice finding the vein and inserting the needle maybe a thousand times when she taught him how to do this so it was basically second nature to him but that didn’t mean he was comfortable around needles. There was a tiny pinch as he put it in and Carson breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally over. He put a thin piece of medical tape over it to keep it in place. Wow, he actually did it. This time when he fell asleep he knew he’d feel better when he woke up instead of worse. He couldn’t help but scold himself for not just taking the medicine in the morning. Maybe he could have avoided all this. Oh well. Carson tugged at a jacket to pull it off it’s hanger so he could use it as a blanket. In any other situation sleeping in his mom’s closet would have been uncomfortable but he was so damn tired it didn’t make any difference to him.

---

It was night time when his mom finished her shift at the hospital and drove home. They actually let her leave early because she was worried about the lack of response to all the texts she sent him to check in. She just had to trust that Carson could take care of himself for a while. He was almost an adult, she couldn’t afford to miss work every time he was sick. She rattled off excuses to herself as she parked in the driveway to reassure herself she wasn’t a bad mom for leaving him alone all day.

“Carson? Are you sleeping?” She called out as soon as she got in the door. No response. She ran up the stairs without taking off her shoes or jacket so she could check on him as soon as possible. His mom opened the door to his room expecting to see him lying where she had left him but his bed was empty. Her heart skipped a beat. Maybe he was in the bathroom. The door was left open so it didn’t take long to find that he wasn’t there either. She did however find a mess left on the floor so he had obviously been in there. Where the fuck could he be? It was highly unlikely that he’d go to her room but it was the last place she hadn’t checked so he opened the door with high hopes. Her bed was untouched and the light was off. Now she was really worried. Just as she was about to have a heart attack something caught her eye. The closest door was ajar. When she left in the morning it was closed. His mom flicked on the light and threw open the door. Oh thank god. She hadn’t even realized she was holding her breath until she exhaled again. There he was, sleeping in the bottom of the closet with medical supplies littering the ground. Kneeling down next to him she shook his shoulder.

“Wake up, honey.”

“Huh… what?” He stirred.

“What’s this?” She asked, seeing something on the inside of his left elbow. Her eyes followed the tube all the way up to the bag hanging on a clothes hanger. Judging by the amount left he had started the IV a while ago. His back is gonna hurt after sleeping like that for hours she tisked.

“Come on. Get up.” She told him.

Carson frowned and tried to push her away but he didn’t have the strength to resist her. She felt his forehead, he still had a fever but it was a low one. As much as she wanted to ask what the fuck happened while she was at work she knew she should wait until he was well again so with some struggling she managed to lift him up and drag him over to her bed. The makeshift IV stand/clothes hanger was moved to one of her corner bedposts and she checked it to make sure he did it right. Being a nurse it only took a quick glance to make sure everything was in order. She tended to him the rest of the night. Carson never fully woke up but she managed to spoon feed him some soup which he threw up... Then she spoon fed him some more, having more success the second time. Eventually she got it out of him that he didn’t take any medicine and let his fever get to a ridiculous 104.8 degrees. She sighed knowing that she should have forced him to take the medicine before she left that morning but she did have to give him some credit for taking the necessary precautions later on when he realized that not only was his fever dangerously high but he also had little chance of lowering it as dehydrated as he was. All in all, it was a rough day that dragged on well into the night. 

[eddiesasspbrak]

When I’m With You Ch. 18

Eddie can’t stand the barista at his favorite coffee shop. Richie has fallen in love with the man he sees twice a week. Stan is dating someone but won’t let his friends meet them. Ben is in love with Beverly, but is so afraid of scaring her away he’s not moving forward. Chaotic friends navigating college together. 

(this is only half the chapter I’ll upload the second half as ch19 when it’s finished)

Ch. 1

Read on AO3

2k+ words

Eddie woke to a pounding in his head, the sunlight streaming through the windows stinging his eyes and making his head throb. He felt achy and for good reason. Richie was curled up beside him, his arm thrown over his chest, his legs tangled with Eddie’s beneath the covers. All of the events of the night before came flooding back. Monica, Bryce, Richie possibly breaking Bryce’s nose, going back to Eddie’s place and then…

He could practically still feel Richie inside of him and it made him shiver.

He certainly hadn’t been planning to lose his virginity the night before but a combinations of lowered inhibitions, his honor being defended in a show of masculinity Eddie had not yet seen from Richie and the way Richie could make him feel with the way he kissed and his hands…

Eddie felt too sick to let just the memory of his night with Richie get him all hot and bothered again. His streak of never being hung over had officially ended. He felt terrible and was sure that if he moved even an inch he’d puke all over the floor and he was not in the mood to clean up that mess. He was perfectly content to spend the rest of the morning lying beside Richie, curled up in his arms basking the fact that someone loved him. Maybe Richie would be in better shape and would be able to fetch water and aspirin from the kitchen.

It wasn’t until the pounding in his head became actual pounding from somewhere close by, that he forced himself to wiggle out from underneath Richie’s arm and drag himself to his feet. The pain in his head spiked as he moved to an upright position and his head spun for just a second, not long enough to make his stomach churn. Still, he walked carefully to the door, grabbing the hoodie he’d nabbed from Richie’s closet when he was there alone and his boxer briefs, stumbling as he stepped into them. Once out the hall he became very aware that the pounding was coming from his own front door.

He should have checked his phone. As far as he knew, his friends wouldn’t be coming over but if they had they surely would have texted first. Of course, he imagined they were all still asleep or nursing similar hangovers. He couldn’t quite remember how loud they’d been the night before, but he was certain he’d die if it was a neighbor coming to complain about the noise. Maybe it was the splitting headache, but the pounding definitely sounded angry.

Eddie wasn’t really sure what to do or say when he opened the door but he wasn’t feeling well and was honestly getting annoyed that his nice, sick, morning with Richie had been interrupted so he unlocked the door the threw it open more violently than he intended. His anger melted away as soon as he saw the very red face staring back at him.

“Mom.” His voice was laced with shock and maybe a bit of fear. He’d forgotten. How could he have forgotten that she was showing up to check on him? He smelled like alcohol and smoke. The remnants of fixing up Richie sat on the coffee table, the ice pack still on the couch. He was half naked, wearing Richie’s hoodie that smelled strongly of his cologne.

Richie…he was still naked in his bed blissfully unaware that Sonia Kaspbrak was there and likely to wander out without putting anything on. At the very least he hoped he’d slip his briefs back on. He could explain away a friend who’d slept over and chose to sleep in his briefs. He could not explain away a completely naked man his mother had never seen before stumbling out of his room.

“Finally! You knew I was arriving his morning Eddie, what were you doing that kept me waiting so long?” She didn’t wait for a response as she pushed past him.

“I was still in bed…” He closed the door quietly, trying to reduce any noise that might have woken Richie.

She whirled around to face him, abandoning her inspection of the mess on the table. “This late? You never sleep this late! You’re not sick are you?”

She was on him in seconds, holding his shoulder with one hand and pressing the back of her other hand to his forehead. He tried to pull from her hold, but her fingers were like a vice around his arm.

“I’m fine. I was just up late last night…” partying, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, watching my boyfriend punch out a guy I gave a hand job to a year ago and then letting him fuck me on the white sheets you bought for me… “studying.”

“You need to sleep at night and wake up early! I’ve told you that being a night owl is bad for you I don’t know how many times. I knew that letting you move out was a bad idea.”

“I’m fine. It was one night. I’m usually in bed by eight.” Less so since he’d started seeing Richie, but she didn’t need to know that.

“This place is a mess, Eddie. You stayed up late, slept late when you knew I was arriving today, and didn’t even cleanup for my visit. And what is that you’re wearing? It’s awfully ugly. Those two pandas almost appear to be a compromising position. Tell me you don’t wear that outside.”

“No mom. I don’t.” He would now.

“What about your pants? You aren’t supposed to sleep without pants, you’ll catch a cold!”

An escape paved its way in front of him. “You’re right. I’ll go grab some and change my shirt and we can go for breakfast.”

Before she could agree or argue, he was off down the hall, regretting the fast pace as soon as it hit his stomach and still throbbing head. Once in his room, he closed the door and flipped the lock behind him just in case she followed him in spouting “I used to change your diapers and give you baths! It’s nothing I haven’t seen!”

Richie was still asleep, spread out across the bed completely unaware of the panic that was taking over. Eddie crossed the room and sat on the bed on his knees, gently shaking his shoulder. “Hey, Rich, wake up.” He said in a low voice.

Richie began to stir, and a smile spread across his face while his arm snaked around Eddie’s waste. In a flash, he was on his back, pulling Eddie down on top of him. Eddie bit back the yelp of surprise that nearly left his lips.

“Good morning. Is this a sexy wake up call?” Richie asked, running a hand down his back and then back up underneath the hoodie.

“Not even a little bit and keep your voice down.”

Richie was fully awake now, reaching for his glasses on the side table and sliding them on. “Everything ok?” He asked when he could properly see Eddie’s face.

“My mom is here.”

“Oh…oh shit.”

“I forgot she was coming to visit, and she can’t see you in here. I’m going to take her out to breakfast so you can sneak out when we’ve gone.”

“Yea, ok. I can do that. I thought she likes to inspect every inch of your apartment.”

“She does but if I tell her I’m starving I think I can get her to wait until we return.” It crossed his mind that he really should shower first but he needed to get Richie out as soon as possible before she stubbled across him and freaked out.

“Ok. Shit. Can you like slam the door extra loud when you leave so I know you’re gone?”

‘’Yes, absolutely. Just wait like five minutes afterward to be sure.” Richie nodded and released Eddie, allowing him to roll off and sit beside him instead. “I’m sorry. I would tell her if I could. As soon as I’m not financially dependent on her I will. I promise.”

Richie leaned forward, cupping the back of Eddie’s head and pulling him into a chaste kiss. “I know. Don’t worry about it. Get going and I’ll be gone when you get back.”

Eddie leaned in for one more quick kiss before jumping up and dressing, dowsing himself in deodorant and cologne to mask anything else she might smell on him. He traded the hoodie for a sweater from his closet instructing Richie to leave it behind because it was his now. When he came back out, sliding through a small crack between the door and frame to hide the inside and then quickly closing it behind him, he found his mother going through his pantry and fridge like he’d known she would.

As quickly as he could, he ushered his mom out the door, slamming the door just a bit harder than he normally would. They walked to a nearby diner and had a fairly pleasant breakfast peppered with his mother criticizing his food choices and asking overly intrusive questions about his life no mother should ever ask. By the time they returned to the building he was exhausted. He hadn’t eaten much, the syrup-soaked pancakes and coffee slightly easing the headache but doing nothing for his stomach. He was sure Richie was out of his apartment by then and it was safe to enter so he didn’t attempt to stall. All he wanted was to sit on his couch and put his feet up, maybe nap while she tore apart his apartment looking for anything incriminating.

Sonia was still going on about how he was too thin because he didn’t eat enough when Eddie opened the front door to the building and nearly crashed face first into none other than Richie.

“Sorry…I…” Richie began, unsure what to say.

Eddie paused for too long weighing how he should act and the consequences of each. If he pretended not to know him he risked hurting Richie and he really didn’t think he could pull it off believably. If he let it be known that he knew him, his mother would immediately start judging him and asking questions and Eddie wasn’t sure he could take that. Needing to decide, he went for it despite a big part of him screaming not to. “Richie. Hi. Heading out?”

“Oh, uh, yea. Pharmacy. I’m out of aspirin.”

“Who’s this?” His mom asked on cue.

“This is Richie. He lives down the hall and goes the same school. We have some common friends.” He explained, trying not to be too specific on their personal relationship. “Richie, this is my mom.”

“Oh, wow, Ms. Kaspbrak, nice to meet you.” Richie was visibly flustered as he stuck a hand out to shake hers.

“It’s Mrs.” She sneered, taking hold of his hand with two fingers for a very short ‘I don’t want to touch you’ type shake. “My husband being dead does not stop me from being a wife.”

“Right, yea of course. Sorry.” Richie looked to Eddie with panic in his eyes. He hadn’t been expecting to meet her and definitely not this way.

Eddie wasn’t sure but he thought parents were supposed to meet your partner at a planned dinner or event. Maybe a holiday party or birthday party. Kind of like how he’d met Rose and Kara. Sure, it was kind of impromptu and they weren’t really Richie’s family, but they were close enough and Richie had taken him there with the knowledge they’d likely meet. They also weren’t like Eddie’s mom, judgmental and hateful toward anyone that he interacted with. No one was good enough in her eyes but in Eddie’s, they were all perfect. Especially Richie. The way she was treating him now made his stomach hurt from more than just the hangover.

Wanting to say something in Richie’s defense, Eddie searched his mind for the right words that wouldn’t anger her. “Richie works at my favorite coffee shop. He makes amazing coffee and bakes a lot of the treats they sell.” He was trying to talk him up and even though he really didn’t want her to know him, really didn’t want him exposed to her, he couldn’t fight that desire to have a normal experience of a parents meeting a partner. So, he let his heart win over his brain. “Maybe we could go there, and you can see for yourself!”

Richie’s face was a mask of shock and what Eddie could only assume was the fight or flight instinct working its way across his features. The café was supposed to be closed that day, but Bill had texted while he was at breakfast to say they had only closed for the morning and he had misunderstood. He and Mike had to drag themselves out of bed and try not to show how hungover they were. Richie wasn’t needed but he was sure Bill or Mike would have texted him as well. He felt for them, but it was an excuse to get his mom and Richie in a neutral zone where she wouldn’t (most likely) make a scene. Eddie turned to his mother, who was still sizing up Richie with a look of distaste. He knew her instinct was to say no, but he also knew how much she loved sweets and pastries.

“We just had coffee at breakfast.” She finally spoke.

“Only one cup and you didn’t finish yours.” He countered. Why he was pushing it instead of letting her say no, he wasn’t sure. His body had been taken over and the real Eddie was inside his mind berating him for being such an idiot and screaming to end this now. Take her back up to the apartment, let her inspect everything and she’ll leave in the morning! It could all be over quickly without incident but maybe Eddie was just desperate for his mother to approve of the man he loved. Maybe he was an idiot who thought she might change her ways if he tried hard enough to show her who Richie was and how good he was. “We can get it to go.” Was his final attempt.

Richie still stood silent, holding the door open, frozen in place and unsure of what to do. This was not what they had discussed. This was no supposed to happen and he felt blindsided. On the other hand, he also really wanted Eddie’s mom to like him because he had no intention of ending that relationship anytime soon. Of course, he also knew the way she treated Eddie and his friends and part of him hoped that Eddie would get up the nerve to stand up to her. He wanted Eddie to be happy and the anxiety she caused him was going to stand in the way. He had a good relationship with his own parents though they were far away now, and it was hard to visit. Then he’d found temporary replacement parents in the from of Rose and Kara. Eddie didn’t have that. All he had was Sonia and her constant judging of his life and choices. He’d heard already of her convincing Eddie he was always sick as a child. He wasn’t allowed to go anywhere, do anything, he was afraid to step out of line because who knew what she’d take away next. So, Richie couldn’t help hating her and fearing her. Hating her for the way she treated the love of his life and fearing what she’d do if she knew the truth about their relationship.

So, Richie made a choice. He straightened his back, head held high, pushing down the nausea that followed and he smiled. “I think that’s a great idea. I’ll treat.” He said clearly and maybe a bit too cheerfully.

With both boys staring at her expectantly and her desire for something sweet winning over, Sonia reluctantly agreed. Though she wouldn’t be happy about it.

[tomeandflickcorner]

Umbrella Academy Recap 2x04

1x01 1x02 1x03 1x04 1x05 1x06 1x07 1x08 1x09 1x10

2x01 2x02 2x03

Well, last episode was pretty emotionally draining.  Not only did we get Allison’s husband, Ray, learning about her powers and reacting badly (though not unrealistically), but Lila, the young woman Diego might be falling for, is also seemingly in league with The Handler.  Oh, and Luther is still a pain in the tailbone, being all mopey over Allison marrying someone else.  So what’s going to happen next?

The episode actually addresses one of our first questions at the very start of the episode, showing us exactly how Lila got involved with The Handler in the first place.  It seems that the story Lila told Diego, about her parents being killed in a home invasion, was partially true.  Turns out, they were actually killed by The Commission, possibly because they could have potentially altered some major historical event in some way and therefore had to be eliminated.  And I won’t lie, seeing the scene of them tied up on the floor while begging for their lives was rather disturbing to watch.  After the temporal assassin murders the young couple, with The Handler watching, they begin to leave.  But before leaving, The Handler notices a child’s toy lying nearby.  Which tips her off that there was a kid in the house.  Almost immediately after this discovery, The Handler hears a noise coming from a nearby vent, which leads to her locating a young Lila hiding in a secret compartment in the wall.  The Handler promptly takes Young Lila under her wing and raises her as a daughter.  Though it’s definitely not much of a loving relationship, as The Handler’s parenting style is on par with Reginald Hargeeves’.   And this is driven home when we see The Handler forcing Lila to go through some sort of obstacle course while shooting at her with a Tommy gun, drills her in learning Mandarin and even sent her on a mission to kill a man.  Of course, this does mean that Lila has more in common with Diego than either of them might realize.  They both were raised by a less-than-loving adoptive parent who treated them more like a weapon than an actual child.

Flash forward to the present.  Or at least what is the present in the show’s timeline, considering we’re still in 1963.  The Handler has instructed Lila to protect Number 5.  Lila is surprised by this, considering how much trouble Number 5 had caused for The Commission last season. Not to mention it was partially because of him that The Handler got demoted.  Still, The Handler feels that Number 5 is worth more to her alive.  As their conversation continues, Lila voices her annoyance over the three white-haired temporal assassins that shot at her and Diego as they tried to escape the mental hospital.  She is not pleased when she learns that The Handler was the one who sent them, considering they might have killed her, even though she’s working for The Commission as well.  But The Handler waves away her anger, stating that it’s all part of the act, and it’s important to not let on that Lila is with them.  And she also insists that if the white-haired trio really wanted to kill her, then she’d already be dead.  As The Handler leaves the room, she once again instructs Lila to protect Number 5, no matter what.

Elsewhere, Luther is waking up after throwing his fight and getting his butt handed to him.  To his surprise, Vanya is sitting by his bedside, offering him a pillow or some aspirin to ease his headache.  Right away, Luther realizes that Number 5 had managed to locate her.  Vanya confirms this by stating the brother in question is waiting outside in the car.  She then goes on to explain that Number 5 had filled in some of the gaps in her missing memories, but had been vague in regards to the apocalypse.  So Vanya suspects that she might have had something to do with it and she asks Luther about the matter.  Luther admits that Vanya caused it, stating she got angry, lost control and blew up the moon.  Although, to Luther’s credit, he also states that it wasn’t completely her fault.  Before they could get much further in their discussion, Mr. Ruby barges in.  He is furious that Luther threw the fight, especially since he now owes a lot of money (because people were gambling on the outcome of the fight).  Luther tries to apologize, but Mr. Ruby states that their partnership is done and walks out.  Luther, visibly crestfallen, tells Vanya to leave.  He then punches a hole through the wall, allowing him to see Number 5 looking up at him from the street below.

Vanya, taking this as her cue to leave, exits the building.  As she passes by Number 5, she announces she’s going back to the farmhouse.  Number 5 insists that’s not acceptable, as they have to stick together.  At this, Vanya begins laying into Number 5 for not telling her that she was the one who caused the April 1st 2019 apocalypse and asking him if he was ever going to tell her the truth.  Number 5 admits he wasn’t planning on mentioning it, since Vanya had a tendency to blow things up when she got mad.  After a bit of back-and-forth, Vanya announces that she can’t help him, stating that whoever she was before, it’s a new timeline.  And therefore, she can start anew.  Number 5 tries to tell her it doesn’t work that way, but Vanya drives off, leaving him alone, with Luther glaring down at him from the hole in the wall.

Over at the Chestnut household, Allison is going nuts since Ray hadn’t come home after the riot.  She starts to berate herself for rumoring that cop who had been beating him, stating that she’d promised herself that she’d never use her powers again.  Klaus attempts to reassure her, pointing out that she’d saved Ray’s life, as the cop would have killed him if she hadn’t stepped in.  He proceeds to tell her his own version of The Scorpion and The Frog fable to further cheer her up, but this goes as well as a porcupine in a balloon factory and she quickly runs off to try and find Ray.

Allison eventually heads over to Odessa's hairdressers.  She is shocked to find Ray is there, and is holding a meeting without her.  Allison voices her anger that he didn’t even bother calling her to let her know he was alright, as she had been up all night trying to call numerous hospitals and fearing he was dead.  Ray proceeds to lead Allison outside to talk.  It soon becomes clear that Ray is suspecting that Allison was a plant for the police and had been simply infiltrating their group to spy on them.  Allison insists that wasn’t the case, and that she can explain.  But when Ray tells her to do so, the words fail Allison.  Which is understandable, because how does one go about explaining everything about having supernatural powers and traveling in time?  So Ray, taking her silence as confirmation of his suspicions, goes back inside.

Saddened, Allison proceeds to walk about seemingly aimlessly.  But this leads to her reuniting with Luther, who is also feeling dejected after his falling out with Mr. Ruby and is currently stuffing his face at an outdoor barbecue restaurant.  Their reunion is reasonably sweet. They proceed to catch up with each other, though they gloss over their personal heartbreaks.  Allison asks Luther if he’s heard from the others, so Luther tells her that Vanya is living on a farm and is actually really happy there and that Diego is in a mental hospital.  (Luther doesn’t know Diego broke out at this point.)  In return, Allison tells him that Klaus has become a cult leader.  Of course, when Luther states that Number 5 turned up again, he tells her that they will somehow cause a second apocalypse, which is supposed to occur in 7 days.  Allison is clearly taken aback by this.

Back at Elliot’s apartment, Number 5 has regrouped with Diego, Lila and Elliot, stating he’s confident Vanya will come around and rejoin them eventually.  Diego asks him if he’s sure the white-haired assassins (who Number 5 refers to as The Swedes) will go after her again.  Number 5 says he can’t be sure they won’t, but right now, their priority is locating 1963 Reginald and asking him some questions about his possible involvement with the approaching Kennedy Assassination. Fortunately, Number 5 knows just where they can find him.  During their previous search of 1963 Reginald’s umbrella factory, Number 5 had located an invitation to a gala that’s being hosted by a man named Hoyt Hillenkoetter.  Immediately upon hearing that name, Elliot’s ears perk up.  It appears that Hoyt is a member of The Majestic 12 (roll credits), which is some secret governmental group that I imagine is in the same vein as the Illuminati.  Elliot proceeds to show them a photograph that had been taken of the Majestic 12.  How this photograph came to exist is not explained, but I’m sure Elliot wasn’t the only conspiracy nut in the 1960s.  Lila voices her observation that there are only 11 men in Elliot’s photograph.  In response, Elliot states that nobody has been able to identify the mysterious 12th member.  Upon hearing this, Number 5 and Diego share a look.  It’s obvious they’ve concluded that Reginald was the 12th member of this organisation. 

Meanwhile, Vanya has returned to the farmhouse.  Upon her arrival, she is immediately greeted by Sissy, who is overjoyed to see her.  She asks Vanya what happened.  Vanya admits she doesn’t know where to begin, so Sissy states they can talk over breakfast.  And so, Vanya fills Sissy in on the finer points of what happened after she left the farmhouse.  Specifically the part about The Swedes being after her.   Sissy suggests going to the police, but Vanya turns down that option, as the matter is complicated.  Instead, Vanya feels that, in order to make sure Sissy and Harlan remain safe, she has to leave.  Sissy is dead set against this, though.  She tells Vanya that they can just go away somewhere, and that she’ll do whatever it takes to protect her from The Swedes.   At that moment, they both realize that Harlan had been in earshot of their conversation.  Realizing that Vanya was considering leaving for good, he runs out of the house, clearly upset, and Sissy and Vanya race after him.  They quickly lose sight of him, though, forcing the two women to split up in order to find him.  After a frantic search, Vanya overhears the sound of water splashing.  Following the sound, she sees Harlan’s bird toy floating in a large pond.  Which clearly indicates he’d fallen in.  Vanya, in a desperate attempt at saving the boy, concentrates on tapping into her powers.  (Either she knows she has them now or this was just her instincts taking over.)  With her powers, she pushes back the water in the pond like it’s the Red Sea, enabling her to retrieve Harlan’s unconscious form.  Once they’re safely on shore, Vanya begins performing CPR on him.  At first, it looks like it’s all in vain, as Harlan remains unresponsive.  But then, small specks of light enter into Harlan’s mouth and go down his throat.  In the blink of an eye, Harlan comes back to life, much to Vanya and Sissy’s relief.

Upon returning to the farmhouse, Sissy brings Harlan up to bed.  When she rejoins Vanya downstairs, she suggests not mentioning what had happened with Harlan nearly drowning to Carl (who is away on a business trip in Waco).  As Sissy begins to drink the liqueur Vanya poured for her, the events of the day catch up to her, and she breaks down crying.  She acknowledges that Harlan would have died if Vanya hadn’t been there.  Vanya consoles her, pointing out that Harlan is going to be fine, as the doctor had already checked him over and determined that he’d pull through.  Still, Vanya feels that things might be best if she left.  Clearly, she’s still thinking of The Swedes.  Sissy then begins confiding in Vanya that she felt unfulfilled with her life, as her husband doesn’t see her and her son doesn’t talk to her.  But then Vanya came into their lives.  She then kisses Vanya, and, after a pause, Vanya reciprocates. 

Over at a diner somewhere, Klaus jumps right into his personal mission by approaching Dave and trying to convince him to not enlist in the army.  Because if he does, they’re going to send him to Vietnam, where thousands of American soldiers and millions of Vietnamese soldiers will die for nothing.  Unfortunately, Klaus’ efforts are spoiled by Dave’s uncle, Brian, who is clearly of the mindset that being a military man is the highest honor imaginable.  Uncle Brian begins throwing homophobic slurs at Klaus and orders Dave to punch Klaus.  In the end, Uncle Brian’s taunts force Dave to comply with that order, though it’s clear that Dave isn’t happy about doing so.  Klaus then leaves the diner, as Ben, who had been watching the whole scene unfold, stands by in visible shock.  

Ben later catches up to Klaus, who is trying to drown his sorrow with alcohol.  He tries to talk Klaus out of it, as Klaus has been sober for the past three years and can’t throw out that progress now, but to no avail.  And Klaus proceeds to drink from a bunch of bottles.  (And I’m a little surprised he was able to get away with drinking in the liqueur store.  Were the rules about drinking alcohol before actually paying for the bottle looser in the 60s?)  Unfortunately for Klaus, when he returns to his mansion, he finds his followers have all managed to track him down.  Horrified, Klaus turns and retreats, with his devoted followers all running after him, not picking up on the obvious indication that he wants to get away from them.  Eventually, Klaus manages to give them the slip and returns to the Chestnut household, looking for a place to crash for the night.  Allison, while it’s clear she’s exasperated with her brother’s antics (and still upset over how things went with Ray), allows him to camp out on the couch.

Elsewhere, Luther finds that he’s being kicked out of his small apartment, as he’s now on Mr. Ruby’s bad side and his landlord doesn’t want to end up crossing Mr. Ruby, either.  So Luther is forced to head over to Elliot’s place to look for Number 5.  Of course, Number 5 has already left for the gala with Diego and Lila, so only Elliot is there to let him in.  They then proceed to get high on some nitrous oxide.  As they sit around giggling and swapping man stories and what not, Luther lets slip that the world will end in 7 days.  While Elliot is shocked and confused by that statement, the laughing gas high prevents him from really reacting to this.

At the gala, Diego, Lila and Number 5 plan to infiltrate the party.  (And I have to laugh here.  While Diego and Lila managed to locate the appropriate attire to attend a fancy soiree, Number 5 is still wearing his Umbrella Academy schoolboy uniform.  What, did they not have tuxes in child sizes in 1963? Or could Number 5 not be bothered to try and blend in?)  Before they try to sneak in, however, Number 5 makes sure Lila knows that he doesn’t trust her.  (And, knowing what we know about Lila, Number 5 might be smart to be suspicious of her.)

Once inside, Number 5 slips off to search the upstairs for 1965 Reginald.  Once they’re alone, Diego pulls Lila aside to ask where she ran off to last night.  It seems he’d woken up while Lila was off meeting with The Handler and noticed she was no longer lying next to him.  Lila smoothly covers up her absence by stating she’d slipped off to a drug store to get more gauze for his stab wound.  And then, to further distract him, she pulls him onto the dance floor.  They proceed to have a pretty nicely done dancing scene.  However, their dance ends abruptly when Diego spots something that makes him freeze.  To his amazement, the Hargreeves Siblings’ robot mother, Grace, or someone who looks remarkably like her, is standing amongst the other guests.  So of course, Diego has to go and approach her.  Of course, it’s not clear if this is actually the Grace that Diego knows or not, as this Grace has a strong Texas accent.  However, Grace does state that Reginald is there as her date, but he slipped off to attend a meeting 20 minutes ago.  As Grace heads off, Diego suddenly remembers Lila and hurries off to find her again.  But we then see The Swedes are also there at the gala, posing as members of the wait staff.

Upstairs, Number 5 teleports himself into a closet.  This enables him to spy on the meeting of the Majestic 12, who are planning to organize the assassination of President Kennedy, in order to prevent him from continuing his investigation of their activities.  As Number 5 and Diego suspected, Reginald is indeed among them.  But when Number 5 accidentally makes his presence known by inadvertently making a noise, he has to teleport away before 1963 Reginald can stab him with a fireplace poker.  Number 5′s bad luck continues when he materializes right in front of one of The Swedes.  A fight immediately breaks out between Number 5 and The Swedes, with Diego joining in early on.  As the fight continues, Lila also stumbles onto the scene.  After a brief hesitation, she goes to assist Number 5, following The Handler’s orders to protect him at all costs.  As a result, they manage to seemingly kill one of The Swedes.  But amidst the confusion, the Majestic 12 decide the secrecy of their meeting has been compromised and that they should regroup later at their backup location.  When Number 5 sees them leaving though the window, he teleports off, with Lila hurrying away as well.  While this does leave Diego at the mercy of the other two Swedes, he manages to overpower them and gets away as well.

Outside the Gala, Number 5 calls out to 1963 Reginald in Ancient Greek.  1963 Reginald reacts to this briefly, but he still gets into the car with Grace, driving off.  When Grace asks him who Number 5 was, 1963 Reginald states he was nobody important.  But it’s still made clear that whatever Number 5 said struck a cord with him.

Closing thoughts/questions:

So, was that actually the Grace the robot mother from the first season?  Because I thought the implication was that Reginald had built her specifically to be a nanny for the Umbrella Academy kids that wouldn’t get killed by Young Vanya’s outbursts.  However, it’s currently looking like Reginald had purposly modeled Grace the robot after this woman.  Which does suggest that she was someone particularly memorable to Reginald.

Really hoping that Klaus can succeed in saving Dave’s life.  It’s really unlucky he’s under the psychological grip of his homophobic, military-loving uncle.

Also hoping Allison can patch things up with Ray.  I’d hate for things to end on such a sour note for them.

What exactly was up with those glowing lights that went into Harlan’s mouth, seemingly resurrecting him? Is this a more advanced stage of Vanya’s powers, or is it something else?  Because they almost looked like those glowing lights Reginald released from the glass jar in the 1x10 flashback.  Which makes me wonder if my theory of those glowing lights have a connection to the miraculous birth of the Hargreeves Siblings (and the other 36 Miracle Babies) might actually go somewhere

The fact that they’re now presenting us with Sissy and Vanya as being in love is interesting.  Of course, there’s the question of what they might face if they’re found out.  Especially since Sissy is married.  Wonder if they’ll explore that.

Really hoping Lila ends up being a good guy in the end.  I still enjoy her relationship with Diego.  Even though she does chose to save Number 5 over Diego to abide with The Handler’s orders, the fact that she’d ealier stated she didn’t want to kill Diego suggests that she does have some manner of affection for him.  But will it be enough for her to overcome her mental programming?

I also wonder what exactly Number 5 called out to 1963 Reginald.  Hope they explain that in the next episode.

[qobiin]

when i fill them, they’ll shine forever | ch 2

pairing: todobakudeku (bakugou x midoriya x todoroki)

genre: angst, fluff | abo au, growing up au, canon-compliant 

warnings: swearing, puberty, trans male character, gender dysphoria, blood 

word count: 4035 

summary: Katsuki being an omega from birth changes a few things. 

chapter two of when i fill them, they’ll shine forever 

Katsuki wakes up to blood spilling between his legs one morning when he is twelve.

He ends up burning the sheets and searing a hole into his carpet once he realizes what is going on.

His mom yells at him about it, but it’s half-hearted at best. Eventually, she sighs and disappears from his doorway before returning with something purple gripped tight in her hand. She gives him the pad and he looks at the stupid flowers covering it, wanting to scream. He wants to kick and yell and bite and cry.

His life is the fucking worst.

Deku catches onto his bad mood as soon as Katsuki has stepped out the front door but he says nothing as they walk to school. Katsuki would prefer it if he did though, at least it would stop him from getting irritated by feeling Deku’s eyes on him the entire fucking day.

Katsuki’s mood drops during the lunch hour when he has to change his pad and almost has a breakdown right there in the girl’s bathroom. He gets a grip on himself quickly though, absolutely refusing to cry in public. When he emerges from the bathroom - double-checking that no one saw him - and makes his way to their usual table, Deku is already there waiting for him.

His alpha still doesn’t say a word as he sits down, just puts a lunch box in front of him and starts to eat from his own. Katsuki feels like he’s going to vomit, but he pushes his rolling nausea down and brightens considerably once he catches sight of the leafy greens, pomegranate seeds and meat that Auntie Inko prepared for him. There are two rice balls as well, but compared to the six that Deku has in his lunch, it’s not a lot. Which is exactly how Katsuki likes it.

He digs his phone out of his pocket and sends a thank you text to Auntie before he begins to eat.

Deku finishes first and quickly packs up his lunch box. From there, it is almost impossible to ignore Deku’s staring.

“What?” Katsuki asks between bites of his rice ball.

“Do you wanna get ice cream with me after school?”

Katsuki blinks, taken by surprise. “No.”

Deku frowns. “But you’re not busy today, so why not?”

“Because,” Katsuki starts with, mumbling the rest of his sentence.

“Huh?”

Katsuki takes in a deep breath and makes sure his voice is steady. “Because I can’t have dairy products for the next couple of days. Or spicy food. Or caffeinated things.”

Silence greets him, allowing him to drown in nervousness, but it doesn't last for long.

“Okay. Let’s go to the store and buy some fruit instead. I bet Mom will prepare it all for us if we ask nicely,” Deku pipes up, one sole finger tapping against his chin. “If not, then it would be a great time for me to learn. I know you avoid chocolate, but let’s get some of that too. Dark chocolate and bananas sound good, don’t they?”

“I guess,” Katsuki mumbles, picking at his food. “I don’t care.”

Deku hums. “Do you need any aspirin? We could pick that up at the store too if we need to. Or I’m sure Mom wouldn’t mind giving you a few of hers. She gets really painful headaches, so she always keeps aspirin on hand.”

Katsuki sets his chopsticks down, glaring at the table. “Fine.”

“Okay, see you later! I need to go to the library and you need to finish eating or Mom will be disappointed. Bye, Kacchan!” Deku says while picking up his lunch box and scurrying away from the table.

Katsuki watches him go, glad for the time alone and the space that Deku is granting him right now. Deku always knows when Katsuki needs something and always gives it to him if he can. It’s just that Katsuki can’t help but feel guilty.

He never knows what Deku needs and if he does, then he never knows how to give it to him. He’s always left bumbling around, feeling useless and stupid. Katsuki understands that he is not a good omega in the traditional sense and that has never bothered Deku in the least, but sometimes, Katsuki wishes that he was a good, traditional omega. That he knew how to comfort his alpha and when to do it.

Maybe their roles should have been in reverse instead. Maybe-

Katsuki stops that line of thinking in its tracks. He doesn’t want to be Deku’s alpha. He wants to belong to someone, to have a place in a pack and have his mate watching his back. He wants to know without a doubt that he will be taken care of and that the same will be expected of him in return.

He doesn’t know what he would do if he was an alpha instead. Well, that's not right either. He does know what would have happened if he and Deku had been born with each other’s secondary gender. He would have fucked everything up, made things irreparable to the point that Deku would give up. Deku would be his hurt and damaged omega and it would be all Katsuki’s fault. Everything would have fallen into shambles, would have broken and never be glued back together again.

Things are better this way. At least if Katsuki goes too far, he knows that Deku will be able to rein him back in easily.

With his lunch finished, Katsuki packs up and makes his way to the library in search of his alpha.

  “Hey, do you want your gift now or in the morning?” Deku asks on Katsuki’s thirteenth birthday.

They’re having a sleepover, sleepy and warm after stuffing themselves full during Katsuki’s party earlier.

Deku had forced him to invite people from school and from the few that actually showed up, they managed to have an alright time. No one was mean or worded things in a way that would make Katsuki bristle with anger. People were nice to his alpha and they even cleared out an hour before Katsuki’s set deadline of kicking them out.

All in all, his birthday was fine. He opened his presents after everyone left and managed to convince their parents to let Deku spend the night. He had pulled out the futon his parents got him soon after he and Deku got too big to share Katsuki’s bed during sleepovers as kids and gave him his favorite pillow. They brushed their teeth side by side in front of the bathroom mirror and Deku changed in the bathroom while Katsuki changed in his room. Deku knocked and waited for a reply before he walked back in and they both climbed under the covers.

Now they are looking up at the ceiling in silence. Katsuki feels tired enough to fall asleep right now but Deku had pulled him aside in the morning and told him that he had a secret surprise for him that he would give to him after the party ended and they got a moment alone together.

“Now, before I fall asleep. We’ll forget about it in the morning,” Katsuki answers, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up in bed.

Deku gets onto his knees and crawls over to his backpack, pulling a long, flat box from it. It’s wrapped in red paper with bombs scattered across it periodically and Katsuki grins at those details before he rips into it.

Beside him, Deku snorts in amusement but doesn’t comment. Katsuki spares him a glance, still grinning and opens the box.

In it is a piece of shiny, black fabric.

“Deku, if you got me a fucking dress, I am going to decapitate you,” Katsuki growls, glaring over his shoulder at his alpha.

Deku only smiles back in reassurance. “Lift it up. Unfold it and you’ll see it’s not a dress. I would never insult you like that.”

Katsuki pulls his lips back and bares his teeth. “It better not be.”

He turns back to the box and picks up the fabric. It’s smooth and shimmery, but not in the way that he expects. When he holds it up in the moonlight, confusion swarms him. He detests dresses and skirts, but a crop top? Seriously? Just what kind of game is Deku playing here? Does he want Katsuki to kill him?

“Did you really wait until we were alone to give me a fucking crop top? Do you have a death wish, you fucking idiot?”

Deku shifts beside him, nervous and twitchy. “It’s not a crop top, Kacchan. It’s a binder.”

The binder falls from his hands and lands back in the box unceremoniously. Katsuki can barely remember to breathe as Deku goes terribly still beside him, the beginning of a mumbling storm already on the tip of his tongue. Katsuki looks at his alpha from the corner of his eye, watching as his face flushes in the dark and the moonlight falls across his hair. Deku's hands twist in his lap, the mumbling storm roaring to life within another instant of silence between them.

“If you don’t like it, I can return it and give you the money I used instead. I just thought you might like it since I overheard Auntie talking to Mom about you outgrowing another sports bra, so I started researching and found out that it’s okay to bind at any age as long as you do it safely. I started saving up then because the good ones are really expensive and I knew a cheap one wouldn’t work and would probably mess with your lungs or something even worse. This one had really great reviews and I didn’t think you would like a full tank top kind of binder, but then I had to wait because they ran out in black and I know you would have hated the other colors available. So then I started worrying that I wasn’t going to be able to get it in time for your birthday, but then two weeks ago, they re-stocked it and I bought it! It came to my house last week and Mom knows because the package got there while we were at school and she opened it to make sure it wasn’t like a bomb or something since you know how paranoid she can be. Which I don’t blame her for ‘cause sometimes villains target random people and it’s better to be safe than sorry, but yeah. She asked if it was for you and I can’t lie to her, so she knows, but she promised she wouldn’t mention it and she asked me if you were thinking about starting hormonal treatment when you’re old enough and I told her I didn’t know. I started doing research on that too and found out you can’t start those until you’re sixteen and only with parent’s permission and only if your doctor isn’t mean about it, which sucks because I don’t think doctors should have that kind of power over people who are trying to be okay with their bodies if they aren’t going to treat those people respectfully and such. I get it if it’s something that would put a person’s life in danger, but I just don’t- Ah!”

Deku only cuts off his long spiel when Katsuki turns and lunges at him. He squeaks in terror and stills as Katsuki throws his arms around him. Katsuki grips him tight, pressing his face into his alpha’s shoulder and inhaling deeply, feeling his eyes burn dangerously.

Another moment passes before Deku’s arms come down around him gently and suddenly Katsuki can’t fight the stupid tears that have been trying to escape him for the last five minutes. He knows Deku starts crying when his alpha sniffs and shifts until they end up lying on the floor, holding onto one another.

Katsuki is quiet as he cries, but Deku tightens his hold on him anyway when he starts shaking and runs a hand through his spiky hair.

“It’s okay. You’re amazing and you deserve to be happy, Kacchan. It’s okay. You can cry. You can be sad if you want to be. I know it hurts, it’s okay. I’m sorry,” Deku chants under his breath, voice cracking multiple times in between sentences.

He almost wants to tell his alpha to shut the fuck up and just let him cry, but the words, his scent, and his embrace are all comforting enough for Katsuki to allow it. Just this once.

Katsuki curls himself further into his alpha and cries himself out, hoping that if he does it now then he won’t do it again when he tries the binder on for the first time.

(He does.)

  “You can go straight home today, Kacchan. I have to stay after school for another talk with the school counselor.”

Katsuki frowns at Deku, raising one brow in silent question.

Deku shuffles awkwardly on his side of the lunch table, gaze stuck on the food that he has been picking at for the last twenty minutes instead of actually eating. “She wants me to consider other schools.”

In the sudden silence that befalls their table, Katsuki’s chopsticks snapping in half seem to echo around them. He’s so overcome with an indescribable wave of anger that he barely notices the fact that his palms are starting to smoke too.

“Kacchan, you’re gonna set off the fire alarm again,” Deku’s voice filters in through the omega’s haze of anger.

“I’m going to kill that bitch,” is Katsuki’s only answer.

Deku sighs, continuing to pick at his food now that Katsuki isn’t in danger of exploding their table (again). “Please, don’t. I already told her that it’s where you’re going and I plan to be with my mate, but she keeps insisting. She wants me to either pick more schools to apply to or apply to UA’s general course instead.”

“She can go die for all I fucking care,” Katsuki spits out. “Watch when you become the first fucking quirkless hero and at a stupid interview they ask about your childhood and you bring up that bitch’s name and this stupid, shitty school. They’ll regret the way they’re treating my alpha like he’s some weak, defenseless piece of shit!”

“I think that’s one of the nicest things you have ever said about me, Kacchan,” Deku murmurs, but there is a smile slowly blossoming on his face so Katsuki can hardly feel embarrassed about his outburst.

“Shut the fuck up, nerd. Go tell her that she can fucking suck it.”

Deku laughs, some of his normal behavior beginning to bleed through. Katsuki pats himself on the back for a job well done when Deku acts like he usually does for the rest of the lunch hour.

Once the final bell rings, Katsuki walks over to Deku’s desk and hauls them away into a secluded hallway where no one will bother them. Deku looks confused and smells nervous, but he calms considerably after Katsuki glares at him then pulls him into a tight hug.

They stand there embracing one another while subtly scenting the other, then Katsuki growls under his breath and breaks away.

“See you later, nerd! Mom’s making your favorite tonight, so you better fucking be there,” Katsuki yells over his shoulder.

Deku’s voice is light behind him. “Bye, Kacchan!”

  “Why the fuck did I have to fucking come and get it?” Katsuki mutters to himself, kicking a can angrily against the alley wall. “Fucking Deku and his stupid shitty taste in food!”

He knows he doesn’t mean it. He’s just angry his homework time is being cut into right now. All because his mom didn’t have the ingredients she needed for katsudon, Deku’s favorite, which Katsuki had angrily texted her about making tonight under the lunch table when Deku wasn't paying attention.

Whatever. As long as it makes Deku happy.

That’s his last cohesive thought before something dark and sludge-like crawls out of the shadows and engulfs him whole.

  After it is all said and done and the stupid heroes have finished ripping Deku a new one, Katsuki finds that he can barely even look at his alpha.

The heroes insist that Katsuki should be looked over by a medical professional, but he’s furious and the last thing he wants to do is take his shirt off in such a public space.

It doesn’t help matters that All Might is smiling and conversing with police and reporters alike, trying to make everything cheery as all hell. It doesn’t accomplish anything except making Katsuki even angrier than before.

Finally, when he is allowed to leave, Katsuki books it. Deku was allowed to leave first and probably decided to not wait up for him, thinking that Katsuki would actually let a paramedic check him out first. Fuck that.

In the distance, a familiar head of dark, curly hair appears and Katsuki kicks it into high gear, screaming at the top of his lungs.

“DEKU!”

He hates how his voice cracks, but there’s no helping it. There is no time either since Deku turns immediately to look at him.

“K-Kacchan! What are you doing?” Deku stutters, face turning bright red as Katsuki advances.

“You’re lucky you’re not dead, you stupid fucking nerd!” Katsuki yells, not caring about how loud he is. “But I’m still going to kill you!”

Deku takes a step back, flushing and stuttering again. “W-What but-?”

Katsuki can feel his hands beginning to smoke and if Deku’s eyes looking down then flickering back up are any indication, then his alpha knows it too, but Katsuki doesn’t give a fuck.

He’s so fucking angry. So pissed off that those heroes were so fucking useless that his quirkless alpha had to jump in to try and save him. They are the reason his alpha thought it was necessary to throw himself into danger and Katsuki was close to blowing his top back in that alley, but in front of his alpha, he can’t keep it together anymore.

See this is the thing. Katsuki isn’t angry that he had to be saved. Well, maybe a little, but it isn't the reason he wants to blow up this entire neighborhood then run back to that alley and beat the shit out of those pro heroes and one sludge villain in particular.

Katsuki is angry because his alpha threw himself into danger that Katsuki could barely handle. He has a powerful quirk, but it did absolutely fucking nothing to stop that villain earlier. Deku is quirkless. Deku is soft and gentle and incapable of not lending someone a helping hand. He’s an alpha, yes, but Deku is so, so fragile. Katsuki knows that his alpha can grow a spine when he fucking wants to and that he can throw a mean punch, especially since they started working out together. Katsuki knows everything about his alpha and that is exactly why when their eyes met, Katsuki was struck dumb with terror because he knew what was going to happen next.

He knew and he was terrified for his alpha.

“You could have gotten hurt, you idiot!” Katsuki spits out, growing angrier when his eyes start burning.

He turns his face away, letting out a deep breath and fighting back the stupid fucking tears. Deku has gone still in front of him. His panicked scent has turned towards confusion and slowly, so slowly that Katsuki can barely recognize it, a growing sense of horror. Both of them do not speak and Katsuki has never felt further apart from his alpha than at this moment.

“You were going to die,” Deku eventually says, finally breaking the stifling silence that had befallen them.

Katsuki feels his hackles rise in defiance and anger again. “You don’t know that! You don’t know shit, you stupid nerd! You had no reason to put yourself in danger like that because of me, Deku!”

Deku steps back like he has been struck, his expression and scent changing quickly. “You’re my mate, Kacchan. I will always do my best to take care of you in any way that I can. Me being quirkless doesn’t change that.”

“That has nothing to do with it! You said I could take care of you, you fucking promised, shithead!” Katsuki growls, advancing rapidly on his alpha with his palms smoking then coming to an abrupt halt as Deku flinches.

Katsuki draws back, looking at the street instead of Deku’s emerald eyes. “I am not more important than you, fucktard. There were heroes there and you didn’t have to do that. Why did you do that? I didn’t need your fucking help and you know that! So why did you run into it anyway?”

He keeps his gaze on Deku’s bright red shoes, his eyes burning fiercer than before. Katsuki does not know what he expects his alpha to say, but it isn’t what he ends up hearing at all.

“You’re my heart, Kacchan,” Deku murmurs, his voice so soft and gentle and Katsuki can’t help the fucking tears that fall down his face then. “That villain attacked me earlier and I almost died. I know firsthand that it might have killed you too. The only thing I could think to myself at the moment was, what am I supposed to do you without you?”

Katsuki feels his head snap up and meets Deku’s watery gaze with his own, suddenly frothing at the mouth angry again. He hates this. He hates this so much and he hates how it’s his alpha who always manages to bring this stupid emotional bullshit out of him when he would rather ignore it all and suffer in silence. But no, Deku has to force it out of him and make him talk about feelings otherwise Katsuki just feels guilty and shitty.

Fuck Deku honestly and fuck stupid ass feelings too!

As if Katsuki wouldn’t have done the same thing. As if Katsuki would not be terrified of losing his mate, alpha, and best friend all in one fell swoop! As if Deku is so fucking noble for throwing himself into danger when all it did was make the situation worse and scare ten years off Katsuki’s life.

“WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT YOU? This is a two-way street, motherfucker, and you can’t fucking assume that I would ever want you to get fucking hurt because of me!” Katsuki all but screams, shaking and trembling as tears continue to trail down his cheeks.

Deku is much too calm when he says, “I know. I didn’t mean to imply that your feelings don’t matter, but Kacchan… You would have done the same thing.”

Katsuki doesn’t reply, not deeming that statement worthy of an answer at all because they both know it’s the truth. It is what Katsuki was thinking just mere moments before, what he refuses to speak aloud after all that has already happened today.

He is too tired for this crap. He wants to go home and pretend like the world doesn’t exist for a few hours.

Deku must read it in the slump of his shoulders or the dejected look on his face because soon he’s speaking again and giving Katsuki the escape he needs. “If you want some alone time, I can give you space, Kacchan.”

Katsuki can only make himself nod. Deku gives him a gentle and sincere smile anyway, the kind that makes Katsuki want to punch something.

“Okay… and Kacchan?”

He looks up again, letting their eyes meet. Deku looks rattled and tired, but assured too, something that Katsuki rarely ever sees from his alpha.

“I love you.”

What the fuck?

What.

The.

Fuck.

Absolutely not, Deku can fuck right off with that bullshit. Katsuki wipes his face quickly with the singed sleeve of his uniform and flees.

He runs the rest of the way home, crying again, and when he bursts through his front door, his mom is in the kitchen. His dad isn’t home yet, so he ignores her greeting and runs into his room. Locking the door, he lets his tears fall freely.

He feels so stupid and small, something he abhors with all his might. Ugh.

a/n: if you’re interested about how this is all coming together, check out my #progress-report tag (: 

thanks for reading! please remember that my requests are open 

[professorpalmarosa]

Mint Condition - Mable, Team Flare

Ready for a bath bomb that’s cooler than an Abomasnow? Look no further than Mint Condition - a bath bomb inspired by Team Flare Scientist Mable!

Since Mable had a cooler color scheme and first appeared near Mamoswine Pass, I wanted to give her a very wintry-scented blend. Well...that and it was an excuse to use my super cute snowflake molds to make mini-bombs!

I recommend using two or three Mint Condition mini-bombs in a tub at once: especially after a long and grueling hike or workout. The three mint oils and Juniper Berry Essential Oil in this blend will soothe sore muscles, while the Camphor Essential Oil is my all-time fave decongestant.

The end result is a cool, clean, soothing smell that’s one part wintry and one part medicinal--but in a good way! Like a Vicks steam treatment and hot bath paired with the cooling effects of mint oils!

Now it’s time to talk about the pros and cons of these oils from a safety perspective…

Aromatherapy isn’t just about pretty smells and scented bath water. Essential oils are in such a high concentration that even absorbing them through your skin can leave you with the therapeutic (and potentially toxic) benefits.

If you are allergic to a plant, you are 100% without question going to be super allergic to the essential oil.

There’s also such a thing as contraindications: where some oils may affect you in weird ways if you have a certain medical condition or take certain medications.

The information below is for your safety if you want to attempt to make this blend at home (as a bath bomb, a body spray, or even scented bath salts). And do be sure to wear gloves. Some of these oils (like Peru Balsam or Lemon Tea Tree) have recommended dilution rates as small as 0.4%. You don’t want that to slide on bare skin!

Peppermint Essential Oil (25% of Synergy)

Everyone knows the smell of peppermint. It’s one of the most famous scents in the world and brings to mind candy canes, evening tea, and cool air. This essential oil is most often used as a wake-up smell and can help improve your concentration.

Pros:

Peppermint Essential Oil is used for lots of mouth, nose, and throat issues (common cold, cough, inflammation of the mouth/throat, sinus infections, and respiratory infections). People also use it for a series of digestive problems (heartburn, nausea, morning sickness, cramps, upset stomach, gas, and diarrhea).

Peppermint reduces inflammation, so some folks will use it for liver, gallbladder, and menstrual problems. It’s a useful painkiller and can be inhaled to reduce the effects of a bad cough or cold.

It’s also a great “wake-up” scent and studies have shown that smelling Peppermint Essential Oil can make it easier to concentrate on tasks. Try diffusing it while you study or during a test!

Cons:

The most comment side effects of Peppermint Essential Oil may include heartburn and allergic reactions such as flushing, headache, and mouth sores.

Although Peppermint Essential Oil can be purchased as a dietary supplement, please keep in mind that “dietary supplements” in the U.S. can slap virtually anything on the label and get away with it. The FDA isn’t as picky about “supplements”. It is the general opinion of aromatherapists that you shouldn’t ingest essential oils of any sort without first discussing it with your doctor.

Peppermint is not a cat-safe essential oil (due to its menthol content) and is one of the most dangerous ones to use around your kitty. Use with kitty-cat caution!

Wintergreen Essential Oil (20% of Synergy)

Wintergreen Essential Oil is one of my favorite scents, as it reminds me of Wrigley Chewing Gum. It is also the active ingredient in the Village Naturals “Muscle Relief” lotion. I love that lotion and tend to use it when I am experiencing pain, particularly with my lower body.

Wintergreen doesn’t blend with too many things and isn’t as versatile as a lot of the flower or citrus oils are, but it will play nicely with other mint oils. That said, it is very strong. You don’t need as much of it in your synergy to get the scent.

Pros:

Relax your sore and aching muscles! If you ever bought a muscle relief lotion and smelled something minty, chances are what you smelled was Wintergreen Essential Oil or an artificial derivative of it. Like Peppermint, Wintergreen reduces swelling and irritation around sore muscles, joints, and tissues. It works wonders for rheumatism and arthritis. I especially love the fact it’s a wonder oil for lower back pain, which I suffer from.

Fight that winter cold or flu! There is an aspirin-like chemical to Wintergreen that works wonders for pain, congestion, swelling, and fever. You can even make a homemade vapor rub out of coconut oil and Wintergreen Essential Oil to open up your nasal passages. I wouldn’t recommend that if you’re asthmatic, though, as Wintergreen may aggravate your asthma!

Use it to clean your home! Wintergreen Essential Oil combats various type of microbial growths (fungi, bacteria, and viruses). You can put a little in your dishwasher or laundry machine to kill odor-causing bacteria and lingering molds. It’s also a nice oil to add to your shower or toilet bowl if you have a sensitivity to artificial cleaners!

Having digestive problems? Maybe Wintergreen can help! Inhaling or topically applying Wintergreen (with a carrier oil) can increase the amount of stomach acid your body produces, which improves digestion. It’s also a mild diuretic and increases urine production, which cuts down on bloating. Supposedly, you might lose excess fat, sugar, and sodium through your urine.

Feeling a little queasy? Wintergreen’s got you covered! Wintergreen Essential Oil has several anti-nausea properties and can soothe your gastric lining and colon. Sometimes I rub a combination of Wintergreen, Eucalyptus, and Bergamot Essential Oils with fractionated coconut oil and lotion on my abdomen to fight cramps and gastrointestinal turmoil.

Wintergreen is great for your skin and your hair! When applied topically with a carrier oil, Wintergreen Essential Oil kills germs on the skin and fights inflammation, making it a great addition to your skincare routine if you suffer from blemishes, acne, dandruff, oily skin, or oily hair. It’s also a miracle relief for itchy, swollen bug bites.

Feeling a little groggy? Let Wintergreen wake you up! Historically, several Native American tribes in North America used Wintergreen leaves to stay alert and exercise longer. Wintergreen packs a one-two punch of increasing your concentration and wakefulness, all the while making it easier to breathe or carry on with your laborious tasks with less inflammation or swelling. Put it in an aromatherapy pendant or add a drop to your lotion to fight Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And if you’re done with a really intense exercise session, massage the Wintergreen in to reduce the amount of pain and swelling you’ll experience later.

Got a stinky room in your house? Have no fear, because Wintergreen is here! Wintergreen is a wonderful deodorizer. Spray it around your home to make your kitchen or bathroom smell better. You can also spray a drop or two in your toilet or trash can to mask several nasty odors. That said, don’t do that if you have a cat. Cats will get really sick over wintergreen.

Trying to lose weight, but cravings keep making that difficult? Peppermint, Spearmint, and Wintergreen can reduce the severity of those cravings and make you feel satiated. There’s a reason beyond “fresh breath” why so many sugar-free gums are mint flavored!

Add Wintergreen to your oral hygiene routine! I put a drop of Wintergreen Essential Oil on my toothbrush before I use my toothpaste. My breath stays fresher for longer and my mouth feels so much cleaner. Some people also add it to their mouthwash. Just be sure you don’t swallow it!

Cons:

Wintergreen Essential Oil is neither kid-safe nor cat-safe. Nobody under the age of 6 should use it. It can even be deadly to small children, and is deadly for your kitty.

Wintergreen Essential Oil is not an asthma-safe oil. If you have asthma, exercise caution to see if you have a sensitivity to this essential oil before using it on the regular.

Wintergreen Essential Oil is not safe for pregnant or nursing women, as the oil may negatively impact the fetus or baby.

If you take Warfarin (Coumadin) or other medications used to slow blood clotting, NEVER use Wintergreen Essential Oil. Wintergreen can also slow down blood clotting. Mixing this essential oil with your medication can increase your chances of bruising, bleeding, or even internal bleeding.

If you take aspirin, exercise caution in using Wintergreen Essential Oil. Wintergreen contains several similar chemicals to aspirin. Using large amounts of Wintergreen Essential Oil topically may increase your risk for side effects if you’re also taking aspirin at the same time.

Never apply Wintergreen Essential Oil neat (undiluted) on your skin. You will experience skin irritation, whether you have sensitive skin or not. Always use a carrier oil or only put a drop or two of Wintergreen in your bathtub. A little goes a long way!

While it’s never a good idea to ingest essential oils, it’s an especially bad idea to do that with Wintergreen. Ingesting Wintergreen can cause ringing in the ears, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, headache, confusion, anxiety attacks, and horrible stomach pain. When I looked this up on WebMD, it stated that people have even died from this.

Wintergreen Essential Oil may cause an allergic reaction in people with allergies to salicylate compounds (like aspirin) or have nasal polyps.

Spearmint Essential Oil (20% of Synergy)

Spearmint brings to mind Wrigley’s chewing gum (particularly the DoubleMint variety), those little white-and-green discs you get instead of peppermint, and Altoids. It’s a slightly sweeter smell than Peppermint Essential Oil, but carries a bit more bite and blends with some really fascinating things that Peppermint typically won’t.

Pros:

Reduce healing time for scrapes and cuts! Spearmint is a good antiseptic. The myrcene, caryophyllene, and menthol help reduce the risk of a wound becoming infected, which (in turn) speeds up the healing process. The Ancient Greeks used it to treat all kinds of crazy things (like scabies, dermatitis, and many infectious diseases).

Relieve aches and spasms! Menthol (one component of Spearmint) has a cooling effect on the body and relaxes overactive nerves and muscles. Contractions loosen up, overexerted muscles ease up, and it’s a wonder for cramps.

Help your digestive tract! Spearmint’s properties can do good things for your digestive tract when inhaled. Gas can slip out more easily. Queasiness, indigestion, and stomachache ease up.

Regulate your monthly cycle! Spearmint has emmenagogue properties, meaning it can stimulate your period. If you suffer from early menopause or irregular periods, Spearmint Essential Oil may help. Sometimes I use it with Sage and Juniper Berry to speed mine up just before a convention so I won’t have to pack pads. Spearmint promotes the secretion of many female hormones, like estrogen.

Ward off pesky bugs! Bugs hate menthol. If you have a bug problem in your room, consider diffusing Spearmint or Peppermint to keep those creepy crawlies away.

Reduce your stress levels! Spearmint has a calming, cooling effect on the brain. It makes it easier to concentrate and focus. I’ll use it on hangover days to reduce the severity of my headache.

Cons:

Excessive use of Spearmint Essential Oil may cause damage to the uterine lining. It’s probably a good idea not to use this oil while pregnant, attempting to become pregnant, or breastfeeding.

Excessive use of Spearmint Essential Oil may increase your risk for kidney damage. If you already have a kidney disorder or your family has a history of kidney disorders, you might not want to use this oil (and, as a result, attempt to make this blend).

Excessive use of Spearmint Essential Oil may increase your risk for liver damage. If you already have a liver disorder or your family has a history of liver disorders, you might not want to use this oil (and, as a result, attempt to make this blend).

Juniper Berry Essential Oil (20% of Synergy)

If you’re a weirdo like me and love the way a gin and tonic smells, you’ll fall in love with Juniper Berry Essential Oil the first time you sniff it. It’s got that cool, crisp, biting aroma along with a slight medicinal after-scent…all in a good way.

I love blending it with Grapefruit, Balsam Fir, Pine, Cedarwood, Camphor, or anything in the mint family.

Pros:

It’s a helpful digestive aid! Diffuse Juniper Berry for half an hour to an hour. The antispasmodic, tonic, and stomachic properties of this oil can help put that fussy tummy back into working order. Your twisted guts will unravel, you’ll build up more gastric juices, and be able to push whatever made you feel miserable out a little bit faster. Some people even use this oil to get some relief from constipation.

Carrying some extra water weight? Maybe Juniper Berry can help! I’m not gonna lie. I use it for this exact same reason, though I pair it with my Cardamom oil for a workout. I tend to bloat when I eat salty foods or my time of the month arrives. This flushes all that excess water right out! Juniper Berry makes your body sweat more, but also stimulates your kidneys. Just be sure to drink a lot of water if you use it for this purpose!

It’s good for arthritis, spasms, and cramps! Try a 1-3% dilution of Juniper Berry Essential Oil with a carrier (like jojoba, coconut, or sweet almond oil) and rub it into the sore area. It works quickly and should leave you feeling at least a little better in a few minutes.

It’s good for your skin and promotes a pretty complexion! Some people will use a 1-3% dilution ratio to treat eczema and psoriasis trouble spots. Try mixing it with jojoba oil (a carrier) for maximum effect. I’ll a drop of this (and Palmarosa Essential Oil) to my nightly astringent. I only get a zit or two during my cycle and that’s it.

Calm down, get a good night’s sleep, and banish all those stressful thoughts! Dilute the oil and apply it to the back of your neck or chest right before going to bed. I like to add a drop to my lotion and massage my temples after work, especially if it’s one of those days where I’m stuck in back to back development meetings and I think my head’s going to explode. Even a few drops in your bathtub should do the trick!

Cons:

Never apply this essential oil neat (undiluted) on the skin. Some people have reported irritation, redness, swelling, and a burning sensation when applied neat.

Prolonged use of this essential oil may result in kidney problems, seizures, and other severe side effects. Occasional use should be fine.

Juniper Berry is not an oil you should use if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant. Juniper is a known abortifacent and can interfere with a uterus’s fertility.

If you are diabetic, you may want to avoid Juniper Berry Essential Oil. WebMD stated that there have been reports of this oil lowering people’s blood sugar to unsafe levels.

Never take this oil internally, as it may irritate your gastrointestinal tract.

If you are on any blood pressure medications, contact your physician before using this essential oil in any large capacity, as Juniper Berry Essential Oil may make blood pressure harder to control.

Juniper Berry Essential Oil may make it more difficult to control your blood sugar before and after surgery. If you’re scheduled for surgery, ere on the side of caution and don’t use this essential oil (and therefore the Mint Condition bath bomb) at least 2 weeks before the scheduled surgery.

Juniper Berry Essential Oil is not a kid-safe oil. Don’t use this oil (or bath bomb) with any kid under the age of 10.

Camphor Essential Oil (15% of Synergy)

If you’ve ever used Vicks Vapor-Rub, you know what camphor smells like! It has a very distinct smell and is used in a lot of vapor decongestant vapor treatments.

Pros:

Clear your lungs and fight that cold! Camphor is used in several over-the-counter treatments for stuffy noses, sore throats, and congested airways for a reason. It’s one of the best things on the market to soothe your airways. The Food and Drug Administration has approved medications with 11% or lower concentrations of Camphor oil for chest rubs.

Boost your blood circulation and fight pain! Camphor improves circulation, which in turn can help with numbness, sore muscles, and aching joints. The Food and Drug Administration has approved creams and topical salves with a 3% to 11% ratio of Camphor for pain relief.

Soothe cold sores, bug bites, hemorrhoids, and minor burns! The Food and Drug Administration has approved creams and topical salves with a 3% to 11% ratio of Camphor for relieving itchy skin.

Ease your arthritis! When mixed with glucosamine sulfate and chondroitin sulfate, people in a clinical study mentioned the pain from their osteoarthritis felt less significant. Doctors believe the Camphor was the star of the three chemicals and most helpful.

Fight off toe fungus! Mix Camphor Essential Oil and Lemon Eucalyptus Oil together with Menthol and apply it to your nasty toenails. Apply the treatment daily until the fungus goes away. It works for some people!

Cons:

Never ingest Camphor Essential Oil. The side effects are severe, and sometimes even fatal. Signs of camphor poisoning in humans includes nausea, vomiting, and a burning throat and lungs.

Some people have a sensitivity to Camphor. You may want to do a patch test to confirm you’ll be alright with this oil. If you are, please use the recommended dilution ratio between this oil and carrier oils.

Never apply Camphor Essential Oil to broken skin. Your skin can absorb oils very quickly and you don’t want your camphor levels to turn toxic.

There are multiple types of Camphor Essential Oil out there, some of which can be potentially dangerous and even fatal. Make absolutely sure that you are buying from a reputable source and that your Camphor oil comes from the wood of the Cinnamomum camphora plant.

Camphor poisoning is oftentimes fatal for pets. Do not diffuse Camphor Essential Oil or apply Camphor Essential Oil on a cat, dog, or rabbit. Not only will they get sick from such a mistake, but it could very well kill them.

This is not a kid-safe oil. Do not use with children under the age of 10.

This is not an asthma-safe oil. Those without asthma, however, may reap camphor’s rewards.

[papa-rhys]

Hi, i saw the other day you get stomach problems. For a week ive had bad stomach and intestine cramps and the doctor put me on an acid blocking tablet. But its made me feel worse, ive not felt like eating at all since last thursday, i just want to sleep all the time and i ache all over, do you have any advice?

It honestly depends on what your doctor thinks you have. I was diagnosed with chronic gastritis a year and a half ago. Basically, I have open sores in my stomach because the lining of my stomach has eroded away. Because I don’t know what you have (and because I’m not a professional) my advice might be kinda limited, but here we go!:

Eat bland food. No spicy stuff, no acidic stuff (meaning no citrus fruits, no tomato products, etc. if in doubt, google the pH of the food you want to eat), no fatty foods and limited amounts of dairy. Also avoid caffiene and fizzy drinks. All of those things increase stomach acid with isn’t what you (or your doctor) want right now. Literally all I eat every day is crumpets and a portion of rice noodles. I can’t really tell you to just eat that because it really isn’t healthy (and I have so many deficiencies because my body is literally starving) but the point is to eat plain stuff. Stuff that isn’t gonna aggravate your stomach and is easy to digest. Veggies should be cooked well because raw veggies are tough to digest. I recommend adding sesame seeds, almonds, cashews, and chia seeds to your diet; all in fairly small portions due to them being quite fatty (though they’re good fats). They’re packed full of good stuff that your body needs, so its a good idea to have them in your diet so that you’re getting at least some nutrition. Other than that, it’s all about trial and error, unfortunately. Some things are okay for some people and terrible for others. You just gotta try stuff to see if your stomach can handle them. If you feel you need help with knowing how to get healthy stuff into your diet, then ask your doctor about seeing a nutritionist.

Try to eat something. An empty stomach is even worse than eating. It often makes stomach pain worse and being hungry is generally just bad for your entire body. It may be why you’re feeling tired and achy. Just try a couple of bites of a plain cracker at first and if it goes down okay, then have a few more bites. Take it slow, there’s no rush.

If the acid blocking pill is making you feel worse, then my first advice would be to go back to your doctor and ask to try another one, but if that isn’t an option at the moment, then try rennies, tums, or gaviscon. These should give you fast relief from the pain (depending on what’s wrong with your stomach) but be careful not to use too many because you may get a rebound effect that causes more acid to be produced.

For the aching, I suggest taking a bath with Epsom Salts in it. You can find Epsom Salts in the bath/toiletry section of pretty much any supermarket. Failing that, they should have them in your local pharmacy. Epsom Salts are amazing for healing and they’re also amazing for relaxing muscles and getting rid of aches and pains. Just put 2-4 cups of the salts into a warm/hot bath and soak in it for 20-40 minutes. You could also put a few drops of any citrus fruit essential oil into the bath, too (I use grapefruit oil) and that should wake you up a little bit and help fight the tiredness and urge to sleep.

AVOID NSAID PAINKILLERS. I cannot stress this enough. Stuff like ibuprofen, naproxen, and aspirin is SO bad for your stomach. Taking that type of painkiller is actually what eroded my stomach in the first place. Please, please, please stay away from them. If you need to use painkillers, use paracetamol (or even cocodamol if the pain is particularly bad) instead.

Try a hot water bottle on the stomach. Hot water bottles are magical. Heating pads may be more convenient for you, and that’s fine. Just get some heat on the stomach and it should help with the pain. Even if it doesn’t, it’s still comforting to have one. If you’re struggling with the hot weather, then try having a fan pointed at you while you have the hot water bottle/heating pad so you don’t overheat!

Try ginger capsules. Ginger is good for just about any health problem. Among other things, it helps with sore muscles and joint pain. It also helps settle the stomach. You can get them from any health food store, but I really recommend getting them from amazon instead because they’re cheaper there. I use Swanson ginger root capsules at 540mg and I swear by them for my tummy troubles (and also for mentrual cramps and headaches). If you prefer not to take pills, then you can also take ginger through food (gingernut biscuits are good, though not too many as they’re high in fat) or mix some into hot water to make a soothing tea.

If nausea is a problem, then try sniffing some peppermint oil or wearing a pair of Sea Bands. Ginger is also amazing for nausea.

Try yoga. I know many of us think yoga can sometimes be kinda pretentious (I was/still am one of those people) but yoga is actually super benefitial for a lot of things. You need exercise, even when you’re not feeling great, but it can be pretty difficult to even think about jogging or doing pushups when you feel crappy. Yoga is super easy and isn’t too taxing. I started yoga for my mental health, but I also find it helpful for my physical health, too. You don’t need a fancy mat or gym wear, and you can do it in your pjs in your bedroom if that’s where you feel most comfortable! Just google some simple poses to get you started and away you go! It just helps to stretch out those achy limbs and it feels good to have done something productive afterwards! Don’t push yourself; take it easy. If a certain position hurts, then stop doing it and try an easier one. Ease yourself into it and it’ll benefit you a lot!

That about covers it, I think. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well; hopefully some of these things help! I recommend keeping in touch with your doctor regularly. I know that may sound obvious, but a lot of people don’t go back to their doctors often enough. Hope you feel better soon!

[insomniac-dot-ink]

Things that Keep me up at Night pt II

Genre: sci-fi, period piece, wlw

Words: 6k

Summary: A runaway and an anxiety-ridden young housewife try to build a bomb shelter in her backward in the 1950s. Digging in the woods soon turns to trouble as they find something unusual buried in the earth.

OR: the bomb, the bombshell, and the box in the woods.

Part I ~ Part II ~ Part III ~ Part lV

WordPress ⭐Ko-Fi ⭐Patreon

PART II

warning: for injury

--------------------

My ears are ringing, my thoughts coming back to me one by one, materializing out of the void as I feel a throbbing ache in my head and shoulder.

“Oh God, oh God, oh my God.” I hear someone chanting over and over again above me, a pair of hands were on my shoulders and shaking, I feel a dull throb through my limbs.

I try to push myself to consciousness and to start lurching to safety, I manage a deep groan instead. “Carolyn?” A desperate voice asks, “Carolyn!?”

I crack open by bruised eyes and my whole body shudders, a little woman with golden curls and blood running down her nose is staring at me, wide-eyed and horror-stricken. I try to swallow but my throat feels swollen.

I reach my hand up and then let it falls back down again, I had taken a tumble, I knew what that felt like.

Ginger’s face was smeared with blood from her nose and sticks and leaves poked out of her hair, her sleeve and skirt were ripped. The woman’s eyes were streaming hot tears and I could see her hands shaking violently as she reached toward me.

I groan again and try to turn over, everything hurt. I feel at the lump at my head and wince violently, “what happened?” I rasp and feel a pair of arms wrap around my neck and pull me closer.

“Oh thank God,” she whispered again, her voice a ragged plea. “You’re alive, oh God, you’re alive.” “Ginger?” I say her name like I’m a man coming out of a coma.

She sniffs loudly, “I thought, I thought,” she rubbed her swollen nose again, I could see the light dying behind her and I open my mouth the say something else.

“What-” She lets me go and shifts back and forth. “Wait, wait,” she says and I watch her unevenly stagger to her feet, swaying slightly in place, more blood and cuts run down her legs and leaves cling to her skirt.

I look up and pull a stick out of her stocking, “was it…?” “Tree,” she says as she seems to try and pull herself together, “you weren’t so lucky.”

I only nod and try to feel around my mouth for any broken teeth, I taste something coppery but it seemed I managed not to crack anything. I feel my hands next and wiggle my toes, I gasp audibly when I try to move my shoulder.

“Shit,” I grit my teeth, “That doesn’t feel good.” Ginger was still looking in all directions, “I’ll get some help, but we have to get back.” “What?” I try to make sense of her, I look behind me and see a long trail of swept earth, I realize she must have been dragging me here.

“We have to-” I’m just moving my legs again when I hear the loud purr of a car engine, I glance over and can just see Ginger’s backyard.

Ginger makes a loud whimper, her shoulders fall, “oh no.” She rubs at her face again and then looks wide-eyed back at me. “St-stay here.” I can only open and close my mouth and then look back at my feet, “How far did we fall?” She just shakes her head and we both turn to hear footsteps, “Ginger?” A loud voice calls, “Ging, the lights are all off- everything alright?” I don’t know what to make of meeting Todd like this, Ginger is already running. I watch her limp quickly back toward the house. She pauses to look over her shoulder, “be right back.” She mouths.

A figure comes out around the house, “by God, Ginger have you been digging again?” I watch the other woman flatten out her torn clothes and stay in the dark of the house, “wait, Todd, we need milk. Could you please go out and fetch me some milk?” The figure turns on a light and jumps, “Ginger?!” He says loudly, “what have you been doing?” I test my knees and try to push myself upward, my body working like an old untuned guitar learning how to play again.

“Is that blood?” I crawl back up and tense every muscle in my body as I try to force myself to my feet. “Are you alright?”

“Todd, Todd, it’s not what it looks like.” I stumble and grunt as I take the first staggering step forward.

“What did I say, what did I say about all that digging! You’ve gotten yourself hurt.”

“It’s nothing, I wasn’t digging, I just fell down-” I stop listening, I managed to get back to my feet and start heaving myself forward one step at a time, back to the road, back to the motel. Away from the strange hole and whatever the hell just happened with Ginger Samuels.

I only pause to look over my shoulder once to see her arguing with her husband, hands in the air, face bruising. I’m quick to keep walking.

-------------------

I spend that night in bed looking at the ceiling, my head pounding like an entire orchestra and my shoulder throbbing wildly, Ginger hadn’t had time to pay me before I was flung into the air. I didn’t have enough for painkillers.

I stare at the ceiling and wish for aspirin like frogs pray for rain during a drought. My vision is still blurry and all I can do is lie on my back and listen to the blood in my ears pound.

I squeeze my eyes shut and count back from ten several times. This was it, this was the strange way I would finally get what was coming to me.

I only roll over once to count my change I had left, it wasn’t enough for this second night at the motel, but maybe I could just hitchhike my way to Tampa in the morning. I could go south now and keep going south.

I barely slept that night, though I remember, I remember the sound of ringing and the sudden, unknown pulse in the air. Like flying, but you come back down with little to no ceremony.

We had hit something, I chew on that through my mind’s eye and let my dreams bleed in and out of my thundering headache. I tell myself it’ll be a normal day in the morning.

I wake up hours later, my body stiff as an ironing board and twice as fever hot. I force myself up anyway and stagger around the room. They’d come knocking for their money soon, I knew that.

I re-pack my bag hastily along with all the little shampoo and soap bottles, I managed to roll up a towel as well as a pillowcase and add them to my pack. Those would be useful later.

I hurriedly check the large purple bump on my head before turning toward the door and squishing a knit cap down on my head. I had picked it up in the second town, an old lady dropping from her bag and it felt like something that was meant to be.

I spend a second longer looking at myself in the mirror, thinking, Ginger’s face flashes behind my eyes and I take a deep uneven breath. It was for the best.

I think about the knife I used to chop my hair off and then the look on Ginger Samuel’s face after she got her nose smashed in. I think about a very large hole growing wider in Raleigh. I leave the mirror quickly and trot over to the front of the room.

I hitch my bag high on my back and creek the motel door open, making sure cleaning staff wasn’t making their rounds yet and no one was coming to collect money just yet.

I peak out both ways, checking the area, I freeze when I see a little figure standing in the parking lot, a little figure in a white pressed dress and silver buttons down the front. She stood with a handkerchief tied under her chin, a wide white sun hat, and a pair of cat-eye sunglasses.

She holds herself perfectly still at the edge of the parking lot, a large bandage was pressed over her nose and a few noticeable scrapes ran down her exposed legs. I was momentarily impressed she stuck with her skirt.

Then I remember careening to earth with nothing but my wits about me and a shovel in hand, I remember the irking pain through my right shoulder. I turn away and try to limp a little more quickly in the opposite direction.

“Wait!” A figure comes jogging toward me, “please wait.”

I feel my body tense and a part of me, the part that wants to not be eaten by rabid wolves or go drowning to the bottom of the ocean, tells me to bolt. I turn stiffly in place and look back at her.

“Why?” I finally call out with my hands fisted around my backpack straps.

She holds up a large clean bottle, “because I can help.” I narrow my eyes and then look back at the scratches on her legs and deep bruising around her nose. Just under her cat-eye sunglasses.

I take a deep breath in, “did you do the thing in the woods?” I ask sharply as she stands on the ground below me.

Her mouth becomes a tight line, “Of course not.” She says, a return to her usual snappishness, she peeks up over the brim of her wide hat, she looks small in it. Like it might swallow her. “Please.” She says that word again.

I stand with my body taut like a bowstring and my thoughts rippling over each other as if a storm was shifting back and forth in my headspace. I stare over at her, “I didn’t pay for my room last night.” I say honestly for once.

She waves a hand in the air, “I’ll take care of it.” I raise by my eyebrows and then look around, I nod, “come on up.” I see Ginger turn and go to the front office, I don’t know how she knew which room was mine but maybe she had been standing there for a long time. I don’t know what she says to the manager but I find her standing outside my door in a couple minutes.

We stare at each for a long second, I trace the edges of her cuts with my eyes, “are you okay?” I finally ask, softly, like it’s a secret.

She gestures toward the door, “let’s go in.”

I can feel the back of my neck prickle as she opens my door and ushers us both in, I don’t turn my back to her as we face each other. She closes the door and tosses something my way, “here.” I catch the aspirin bottle with one hand and she goes rifling through her purse, “I also brought bandages and cream if you need it.”

I take a step backward, “why?” She lifts her chin up and I make out the bruises under her eyes, she frowns at me, “you fell at least ten feet…” “So did you,” I say steadily as I hold the bottle up,  I look back at her, “You did too, right?” I change it into a question as I reflect on the childproof lock.

She rubs the back of her neck, “yes, didn’t you see? Maybe not.” She was muttering, she crosses her arms over her chest and looks at me sharply, “you know I was worried sick when I found you disappeared when I got back to the spot.”

I shift from side to the side and turn around to sit on the bed, “You were busy.” I pop open the aspirin and pour a handful into my palm.

“Only two!” She reaches for me and I roll my eyes as I pop two back into my mouth and dry swallow.

“Yeah.” I say forcefully.

“Well,” she pets her blonde curls down, “I thought you were swept away! Or dead or I dreamt you up all along.” She was picking at her hands now, “you’re lucky one of the people at the store saw you walk by.” I give her a hard look, “why?” “Ugh,” she pulls at her bag, “I’m trying to be considerate here.” She says with her expression pinching.

I throw her a hard look, “well what the hell was that thing?” Ginger cringes, “I,” she opens and closes her mouth, “I really don’t know.” “Did you hit something?” I start muttering, “was it an… air bubble?” Were there air bubbles in the earth?

She shrugs, “I would say that’s not possible, but I really don’t know anymore.” She looks me over, “we have to accept it was an anomaly.”

I look her over and have a dawning realization, “but you still want to build your shelter. That’s why you’re here.” Ginger stood perfectly still in front of me and I watch her, poised, thoughtful. She takes another step toward me, “Did you break anything?” She asks instead and I just shake my head.

“Shoulder hurts like the devil, but everything seems to intact,” I glance down at her legs, “you?” She shakes her head, “I was lucky. You were passed out cold. But I’m… I’m okay.”

“Yes,” I say in a strained tone, “we’re okay. But that wasn’t normal.” She nods, “I agree.” “And you want to go back!” I throw my hands up, “tell me I’m wrong and that’s not why you’re here.” Ginger puts her hands on her hips, “it was… strange.” She says carefully, “but,” she bites her bottom lip, “don’t you want know more? I can throw in more meals too, Todd is even going on a business trip in a week. You could sleep in the guest room.” My eyebrow twitches and I stand up, “Listen, lady, I know all I am to you is a walking desperation case, but I was thrown ten feet in the air-” “And we should find out why,” she interrupts quickly, “and see it doesn’t happen to anyone else.” I shake my head, “why do the locals think that place is haunted?” She sniffs loudly, “nothing like that.” She says in an exasperated tone, “honestly, it was probably just an… air bubble?” She offers up my own explanation to me. “You know they…” She says with her eyes going wide, “You know Khrushchev is taking power soon.” Her voice cracks, “the summer can only last so long.” I shake my head and pop another aspirin, “who are you?” I ask stiffly, “I’m not going to be thrown about for just some change.” We stand across from each other and the air stretches thinly between us. “Look.” I finally say as I get back to my feet, “thanks for everything but,” I sigh, “I’ll find a reliable guy to help you after this. Someone who’s not a creep, who can dig.”

“Oh,” I couldn’t read her expression at that but do note her ramrod-straight back as she examines me again. “Where will… will you leave?” I nod, sprouting a crooked grin, “I’m not the type to stick around anyway miss Ginger.” I put my hand out, “though you were lovely to work with.” She looks at my hand, her mouth open slightly, “Lovely.” She raises her eyebrows in the shape of a house roof, “even after yesterday?” I shrug, “I assume you didn’t do that on purpose and,” I wink, “I did enjoy your sandwiches.” She gives me a tight smile, “Carolyn, I,” she takes a breath in, “I guess I can’t make you stay.”

“It’s nothing personal,” I reach for the motel key to hand it to her. “But- Ack.” A feel a small electric shock and jerk my hand back from the key.

“Ow,” I pull my hand away as if it’d been burned.

“Oh my,” Ginger gasps loudly and I look up, my eyes go wide too. The key flew up in midair, as if tossed toward the ceiling, it sailed up for a second, risen like the dead.

“Oh no.” I say loudly.

The key falls back down as quickly as it was lifted, as if remembering itself, flying toward the ceiling for a moment and then clattering back down to the table.

I look back to Ginger and she looks back to me. I long silence follows before I lick my lips, “have you been doing that?” She just shakes her head, “that’s a first.” She said it so dryly I almost laugh, but the key now lying on the floor stops me.

I turn back to her and yank my knit cap over my ears, “okay.” I steady myself, “Okay, okay.” “Carolyn,” Ginger struggles with something, “I don’t think that’s unrelated.” I ball up fists, “God dangit.” She watches me and turn around in tight circles, “God dangit!” I clench my teeth and then glance back at her, “has the forest been doing anything funny since we left?” She just shakes her head, “the only weird thing has been, well, that.” She points at the key again and I make a face.

I kick the carpet wipe at my face, “Ugh,” I look up at the ceiling and count down from ten. Could I just ignore this?

“Maybe we should go back.” I concede with a deep sigh. “Can we-” “No shovels.” She pouts at me, “the shelter isn’t going to build itself.” I sigh loudly, “Miss Ginger,” I say evenly, “I think there are other things we have to be thinking about at this time.” She grabs her purse a little tighter, “I have some helmets in the garage.” We turn to leave.

-------------------

I’m holding a hockey stick and standing in a hole-ridden backyard at 1 in the afternoon, Ginger was holding a broom and two oven mitts as she stood beside me.

“We have to hurry,” she pulls the visor of her helmet down, “Todd is visiting his mother right now. Probably to talk about me. And my neighbor Dorris starts knitting at three, which means she starts watching my yard again.” Ginger tuts to herself.

“Aw yes,” I put my helmet visor down too, “the bat-eared one.” Ginger gives me a very flat look, “if you want to tell jokes to the demon hole please, by all means.” “No jokes,” I work up the gumption to wink, “I’m just a woman holding a hockey stick and stuffing pillows down her blouse.” Ginger finally cracks a smile, “You should also stuff them down your trousers your know. My cousin broke her tailbone last summer and wouldn’t stop complaining about it.”

I hum lowly, “I guess we’ll just have to see if this thing breaks tail bones,” I sniff, “sounds like a bit of a creep actually.” Her face lights up and she gives a small laugh, “I’m sure there are other words.” “I’ve met creeps like him,” I try to make her laugh again, just to break the tension in her shoulders. “Toss little ladies around and don’t even say sorry, that’s what he is.” She snorts, “Please miss Carolyn,” she says with a steady voice and turns around, “we have tailbones to break.” I pause, “I really will take another pillow then.” Ginger looks back to me, “I’m going to have to pray that no one see us.” She runs back inside so I can put a pillow into my pants.

I can’t help but watch Ginger limp toward the door and her petite frame dip in and out, I have take a deep breath in and look up toward the sun. She just wanted my labor, and then probably not to be alone in this.

Whatever it was.

Ginger returns and I pat down the pillow down on my persons, I give her a thumbs up, “I guess this is ready.” She nods, “if things go south…” She gives me a firm stare, “please toss out my casserole. I don’t want it to be the last thing my mother comments about at my funeral.” I lightly whack her in the back of her head, “First of all, we’re not dying.” She starts with a few shaky breaths and faces the woods again, “that’s what they all say.”

A pause follows, I trail after her, “I’ll eat if I have to,” I say with a somber expression, “but only out of charity.” She gives me a dry look over her shoulder, “you are very generous. You can have my pie too.” I shake my hockey stick, “let’s survive then,” I grin, “I bet I would love your pie.”

We share a small smile and follow after her, my skin prickling as we round the dense forest and my heartbeat picks up. I twitch at ever noise overhead and I can tell Ginger is going slower than usual, taking her time picking her way through the foliage.

I feel my chest clenching and look up at a bird singing to my left, “have you ever met a monster before Miss Ginger?” I ask lowly as I stare up.

She glances over her shoulder, “we’re out of time for jokes Carolyn.” I open my mouth, I almost want to correct her in that moment, tell her my real name, I just clear my throat instead, “no jokes.” I say carefully, “but,” I walk up closer to her, putting our strides in time together, “if this does go south.” I make firm eye contact with her, “I want you to run. No freezing, just run.” She sniffs loudly, “I don’t intend to freeze.” I look down at my shoes, “That’s what they all say.” We make it to clearing much faster than I wanted to, Ginger’s body is held completely rigid and I see sweet running down her neck under her helmet.

We both look in either direction, it was quiet, the grass rustle and birds chirped overhead, the clearing lay empty. We crept toward the mouth of the large hole and I feel something trembling inside me.

“Okay.” I take deep breaths, “Okay.”

We stand shoulder to shoulder, I don’t know what to expect, but it feels almost irritating to see nothing but a large nothing hole in the middle of a field. We creep along the edge and keep my ears perked up for noise.

We stand there for a very long moment as we both try to peer into the dimness.

“Is that,” Ginger squints and leans forward, “is that…? Huh.” She shuffles forward and I give her a look. “Wait!” I try to grab her elbow as she drops her broom and jumps into the hole, “don’t be stupid Ginger.” I almost go to wack her with my stick. She doesn’t pause as she reaches out and pushes at the roof of the enclave, letting a huge cascade of dirt fall down. She stands there for a moment, looking, but doesn’t reach any further. She peers over her shoulder at me, “I think it’s a box.” “Well don’t touch it!” I say loudly as we both stand in the middle of nowhere in makeshift armour.

She tilts her head to the side, “it’s dark blue.” She says in a fascinated voice. “With markings.”

“Well, again, don’t touch the box then.” I’m still reaching for her, “Ginger, get back here.” I feel like a just adopted a rebellious 19-year-old at that moment as she just stands there.

She clears off some more dirt, “how could a box do all that?” “I vote we don’t find out,” I’m reaching for her, my fingers inches from the nape of her neck, I could yank her back, but then we might both fall into the hole again.

I suppress a shiver at the memory of a sickening thud as I hit the earth, the splintering pain and then darkness, me and my body were both still trying to forget that moment.

“It’s not doing anything,” she finally says.

“Don’t touch it!” I’m scrambling forward.

“I’m not gonna touch it,” she finally turns around, “I just think it’s odd.” “It IS odd!” I say loudly and look either direction, “And we should let it be.”

She turns back around and I let out a sigh of relief, she takes a step forward, “Perhaps it’s dormant.”

“Ginger Samuels,” My voice wavers, “come back.” She nods with a slight incline of her head and takes a step back, “do you think-”

Irrrrrrrrrinnnng

A sound fills the air like a dust cloud, noxious and blooming outward.

My eyes go wide, “Ginger,” I put my hand out as the world starts ringing, “Ginger get out of the hole!”

She scrambles for my hand and I grab for her desperately.

Irrrrriiiiinnnnnnng

I dig my nails into her skin and hoist her upward, she kicks her feet in the air as the loose dirt scatters and she grunts as she wiggles her way back up.

“Run!” I yell, “we need to run!” She falls forward and I pull her to my chest. She’s shaking, I try to move her but her body goes limp against me.

Her eyes are wide and pupils dilated like dinner plates, she stands there, “Ginger.” I say her name, and then we’re both falling toward the ground.

IRRRRRING

I’m holding her shaking hands one second and then the ringing is like a silver bell seizing the air and shattering it. I go to cover my ears but my arms are heavy, too heavy, I can barely breathe.

I fall to the ground as if sucked there by an unseen force, hard, instant. My cheek is pushing up against the dirt and I screw my eyes shut.

A flash of memory grabs me. My dad once sprang to let us all go visit an olympic sized pool for a day, he said it was our reward for no one getting arrested that summer.

I remember sprinting as fast as I could and cannonballing into the deepest part of the pool, I didn’t actually know how to swim. My ears popped and I sank down down down, the pressure on my hands and feet tugging at me, I clawed desperately upward but it all just melted through my fingertips.

I gasp for air, the dirt presses up against my cheek and my limbs are weighed to the earth, I can barely move, barely think. It feels like I’m in the deep end of the pool all over again.

I see Ginger splaid on the ground next to me and I pray for a moment, I hadn’t prayed for a very long time but I take that moment to let out one long silent wish. God, I swear, let us make it through this.

Maybe I had been praying for that for a long time, but I could feel my heart leaping toward it this time. Let me live.

It’s over as quickly as it began.

The field was full of a deep, chiming blare and I was being pressed down forcefully to the ground one second and then it was warm, bright, sunny. The birds were out, my lungs filled with air like they hadn’t just forgotten how.

I cough and choke, rolling over immediately as mobility comes back to me. “Oh,” I cough, “fuck.” “I didn’t do that,” Ginger was wiping at her face again, rasping and trying to wipe away the tears cascading down her cheeks. My hands are shaking, something primordial overcomes me and a wrap my arms around her slim frame.

I pull Ginger to my chest and she clings to my front, we hug for a long silent minute, shaking against each other in the strange trembling afternoon.

I can barely catch my breath before I open my eyes again and hold her steadily, “we shouldn’t have come back here.” Ginger paws at my back and doesn’t look up, “I think we had to come back here.”

I shake my head, “Ginger, did you not just feel that?” “Carolyn,” she digs her nails into my back and her voice is taught, “do you see a man in the woods?” “My name’s not-” I pause and then whip my head around, I see an outline in the distance, right behind a large bush. “Is that-” I blink and then see nothing at all.

Ginger gives another hiccup as more tears stain her face, “Oh God.” She leans into me, “what the hell have I gotten us into?” I go to help her up, “we need to get out of here.” She nods and we both adjust our helmets as we turn to leave, I don’t mention the electric spark going through my spine or the way the dust settles around us. I don’t mention that I think this isn’t the last time we’re going to be there.

--------------------

I am sitting in Ginger Samuels couch with a cup of hot coffee in my hands. Normally I would be reveling in the smell of a hot pot of coffee and a nice plush pillow under me but I was quivering like a leaf in October and cursing instead.

I take a deep, long sip. Ginger was sitting deftly in her chair and looking at nothing, “Todd was right,” she says bitterly, her face slack, “Todd is always right.” My head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton and I don’t know what to say to her, ‘it’s alright’ didn’t feel like the right thing at that moment.

I settle for taking another deep satisfying sip of my drink, I look out into nothing too.

She glances over to me, “should we call the police?” I lift my eyebrows, “absolutely not.”

Her brow furrows, “do you think it’s the Soviets?” She asks in a high-pitched whisper, “because if it’s the Soviets we have to go to the-” “I don’t think it’s the Soviets,” Some part of me doesn’t believe that, but I wasn’t going to get the police involved. I wave my hand through the air, “there wouldn’t be a reason to.” “It could be us then,” she says quickly, “They heard about my bomb shelter and-” “Ginger,” I put my hand up to stop her, “we need to breathe.” Her mouth becomes a hard thin line and she just looks at me, her face placid and drained of all color. “Do you think it’s a weapon?” I just shake my head, “I don’t know what it is, but,” I catch her gaze and hold it, “I think we should get away from it.” She opens her mouth as if to protest, and then closes it again. Eventually, she just gives one tight sharp nod. “I,” she gives a single high-pitched laugh, “I can’t argue with that.” I study her, “We could get that company to bury it again if need be, but I think we shouldn’t go near something like that again...” Ginger blinks a couple times, “until?” I just shrug, “I’ll be headed out, so before that.” “No,” Ginger reaches forward as if to cling to me again, her eyes wide, she sits up straight, “No,” she puts her finger in the air, “I won’t go near it again, promise. With one condition.” I raise my eyebrows, “Yes?” I feel a tightness seeping in through my frame as I ask.

She shakes slightly and her eyes become perfectly round, “you can’t leave.” She says in a small voice, “You can’t leave me all alone with this thing.” “I’m sure it won’t do anything if you don’t-” Ginger leans over and grabs my hand, “No one else knows about it.” Her eyes search my face, going a little wild. “What if it is the Soviets? What if I disappear? Todd will never, I mean,” she takes a deep breath of air, “no one will know.” My eyes go soft, I look into her face and memorize the worry lines there. I was used to running, I was good at running, I take a deep breath instead.

“Okay,” I squeeze her hand, “but only until we find a way to cover it again. I can’t stay here forever.”

She puts my hand in both of her hands, “I’m sure… I’m sure there’s a way.” I don’t like the way she puts those words together, but I let her hold my hand and we sit close to each other as the sun dips behind the horizon. I’m not sure how long it is, but my eyes go wide as I eventually hear a car engine in the driveway.

I whip my head toward her, “Todd?” Her eyes go wide, “He’s back from his mothers.” I stand up, “I should go.” She looks both directions, as if searching for something, “You could stay in the basement, it’s not finished but Todd doesn’t go down there.” “I have to go,” I say more firmly, “I can’t…” I can’t watch you argue with your husband in a two story house and a pair of white heels. “I can’t leave my backpack at the motel.” “Well,” her eyes are still large, “take this.” She turns around in circles, “for the next couple nights.” She reaches into her purse again and takes out a ten dollar bill, I stand up straight, some part of me, the part my mother raised, wants to say no. The other part that had been sleeping on benches for the last couple weeks doesn’t protest.

She turns around, “though if you run off,” she swallows thickly, “I’ll be… very cross.” I crack a smile for the first time, “wouldn’t dream of it miss Ginger,” I take the money, “I keep promises.” She looks into my eyes and I’m not sure what I’m seeing there, footsteps thump from the doorway. “Honey,” a male voice calls.

“Go go,” Ginger gestures at me, “I’ll call for you.” “I brought a stew from my mother's.” He came in through the front door, Ginger ushers me to the back door again.

“That sounds lovely dear,” I raise my eyebrows as Ginger’s voice sounds ten times more simple than usual, like glass chimes or precise musical notes.

“Did you have someone over?” I freeze by the back door, “I saw a man in the driveway.” “You did?” I could hear the restrained tremor in Ginger’s voice, I pause to look back at her, our eyes meet again. She mouths the word ‘go.’

“He was in a suit,” Todd says easily, “you weren’t having a suitor over here were you?” Ginger just laughs, “wouldn’t dream of it.” “Well, let’s warm this up.” I have no choice but to slip out the kitchen door and back into the upturned soil of the backyard. I look in both directions, as if I’m going to find something.

The wind rustles in the woods and I try to make out outlines in the dimness, I’m not sure if I see anything, but I do know that I’m running. I was good at running, even with my shoulder still complaining and the world seeming more colorful and wrong then it ever had before.

I lock all the doors in my motel that night.

<====== Previous Part ~ Next Part ======>

[denise-major-dodge]

Heartburn (GERD)

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and so I thought I’d talk about heartburn; something many of you will be expecting and bracing to suffer through so you can enjoy your favorite foods. Everyone stocks up on Tums and other antacid type medications just incase they have a heartburn flare up. I wanted to share what I learned in regards to steps you can take to avoid it before it even starts, and healthy but EFFECTIVE ways to keep it at bay.

Antacids will help relieve symptoms right when they are happening… USUALLY (not always) and people lean on them for giant meals like thanksgiving. Persistent heartburn is hard on the body and if not taken care of will cause permanent damage to multiple organs in the body including your teeth.

SIXTY percent of Americans on average suffer from heartburn on a WEEKLY basis! This seems to be one of those things we take an antacid right when it happens and then move on. What you will discover, if you haven’t already, is that eventually these medications will fail you and quit doing the job you’re begging them to do.

How do you know you have heartburn; what are the symptoms?

Heartburn will cause some to all of the below:

Burning Pain/Sensation that moves from upper stomach to throat

Sour & unpleasant taste in the mouth

Bloating

Difficulty swallowing and keeping food down

Burping and gas

Choking

Coughing

Chest pain

Hoarse voice

Headache

Uncomfortably full causing stomach aches

Nausea

The 30 Day Heartburn Solution: A 3-Step Nutrition Program to Stop Acid Reflux Without Drugs, by Craig Fear NTP “Nexium, Zantac, Rolaids, Tums…have you tried all the drugs only to be on higher and higher doses and still experiencing heartburn? Have you heard the common nutrition advice—eat less fat, stop overeating, eliminate triggers (like delicious chocolate and wine)—and heeded it, only to be let down by your results? Maybe your symptoms, in fact, are getting worse. And this is exactly the problem with conventional treatments. They can free you of acid refluxing into your esophagus, but they often do so at the expense of your long-term health.”

  What are some things that can happen to a person after suffering from heartburn long term?

Painful lesions will develop on the esophagus

Asthma

Laryngitis

& other issues including cancer in worst case scenarios

Can it send someone to the hospital or emergency services?

If the person suffering from heartburn is vomiting black or bloody looking material, experiencing chest pain that radiates into the back, difficulty swallowing, short of breath, or passing tar-like stools they must see a physician or seek the advice of emergency services IMMEDIATELY. These can be signs of an obstruction in the esophagus, ulcers, or a heart attack.

What causes heartburn to happen?

When there happens to be too much pressure on the stomach or the hiatal sphincter muscle it doesn’t completely close causing stomach acids and other material to rise up the esophagus.

The most common cause for this action is fatty, spicy, rich, fried, or acidic foods, excessive use of aspirin or ibuprofen, obesity, caffeine, smoking, pregnancy, heart problems, and various prescription drugs can cause heartburn to persist.

If you suffer from both chronic constipation and chronic heartburn they are typically related. The pressure and pushing on the abdominal muscles when trying to use the restroom can cause stomach material to rise up causing heartburn.

There is another possible reason called esophagitis; when a portion of the esophagus doesn’t completely close off from the stomach contents.

For some people laying down or sitting in particular positions will cause heartburn because of the way the stomach and esophagus are positioned in the body.

What’s wrong with taking over the counter medications?

There’s nothing wrong with it if you rarely consume these products and remember that the majority of these medications treat the symptoms not the cause of heartburn. Constant use of antacids, calcium carbonate products, milk of magnesia, and H2 blockers can also contribute to long term physical damage. Many of these products contain aluminum and magnesium salts which can cause irreparable issues. People often times take medications like Pepcid AC, Zantac, and Tagamet HB 200 after the symptoms are present, not realizing that these medications are completely useless unless you take the medicine BEFORE eating your meal.

What foods should someone with chronic heartburn avoid?

Milk – people have been treating heartburn for a long time with milk not realizing that milk creates a long term rise in acid secretion. It might calm some of the pain immediately, but it will cause you experience heart burn more often if you keep using milk to treat it.

Culprit Foods – these are foods that every person with chronic heart burn knows are going to bring pain like; spicy foods, fatty foods, fried foods, high acid foods, citrus, carbonated beverages, and so on… If you know that you can’t help yourself and you WILL be eating these foods (for example; maybe someone slaved over a fried turkey and risked their life for thanksgiving dinner. I understand, not eating it would not only be a shame, but might also be considered rude by some people. 🙂 Take steps to prepare by taking heartburn medications like Zantac and Pepcid AC BEFORE you eat your meal. Minimize the consumption of the above food completely if you can, but if you can’t, take steps to prevent the pain!

When you are eating remind yourself to slow down. Eating isn’t a contest and shoving it quickly down your throats is not helpful to your body and heartburn symptoms. Slowing down will help your body determine more accurately when your full so you don’t overeat. Slowing down will also give your digestive track a chance to work smoothly without being pressured by a tightly packed stomach to move quicker than it can.

Once you’ve eaten the no-no foods, don’t lay down or lean back into that recliner! Walk around, stretch, and take some deep breaths; this will help your body digest the food a little bit quicker and ward off that painful piercing chest pain. (Don’t do anything too physically demanding either.) Instead of ending your meal with a rich dessert, consume some fresh papaya or a banana to also boost your digestion.

What are supplements someone with chronic heartburn can take to help fight off the long term effects?

DIGESTIVE ENZYMES – The enzymes help the digestive process along making it more efficient and effective. Suggested Dosage: take as directed on container 30 minutes BEFORE consuming your meal.

ALGINATE – Also goes by Algin. This product works by floating on the top of your stomach contents creating an all natural and digestible barrier between acidic foods and your esophagus. Suggested Dosage: 1,000 mg taken immediately AFTER your meal.

GINGER or GINGER ROOT – This herb helps heartburn by absorbing excess of stomach acid. It’s an effective way to fight off stomach ulcers even when taken with aspirin. You can find ginger in both capsule or tablet form for this purpose. Suggested Dosage: take as directed on the supplement bottle

PAPAYA & BROMELAIN – When combined together it compliments one another in fighting stomach and digestive disorders. Suggested Dosage: take as directed on the supplement bottle

FENNEL & CATNIP – This combination is useful as an anti-inflammatory. It can also help control the symptoms of gas and bloating. Suggested Dosage: take as directed on the supplement bottle

SLIPPERY ELM – This herb help sby protecting and soothing mucus membrains in the stomach and gastrointestinal tract. Suggested Dosage: take as directed on the supplement bottle

MARSHMALLOW – Not the fluffy candy that goes on smores. This herbal supplement contains mucilages, which helps soothe mucus membranes in the stomach and gastrointestinal tract like the Slippery Elm. Suggested Dosage: 400 mg AFTER your meal

GENTIAN ROOT – This is a popular European bitter that is commonly used to treat digestive disorders including heartburn, indigestion, vomiting, dyspepsia, or low bile and saliva secretion. This herbal use in medicine is recognized in Germany, Belgium, France, and the U.K.

Are there alternative remedies that can be used to help with heartburn?

Reflexology & Aromatherapy – have been proven to aide and relieve the symptoms associated with heartburn and indigestion. Contact your local aromatherapist or massage therapy to ask what services might be best for your specific symptoms.

Homeopathy – Arsenicum alb 6c & Argentum nit 6c will help reduce the pain caused by heartburn and excess gas.

What are things a person can do to help avoid heartburn besides supplements and medicines?

Drink a lot of water to keep your stomach contents smoothly moving through your digestive tract.

Don’t wear constricting clothes when you eat; if you’re uncomfortable at all you should change your clothes. Stress can also have an effect on the hormones in your body as well as how the stomach digests it; long story short, stress is likely to lead to constipation or diarrhea depending on your body chemistry.

Learn to eat slower, thoroughly chew your food to mush, and relax while you eat. Keep stress low and allow your body the time to do its job correctly without having to rush.

At the very first sign of heartburn drink a glass of water and slowly stand up straight. If you’re in bed, consume water and make sure your head is elevated well above the heart. Being elevated will help keep stomach acids out of your esophagus. On topic with being bed; stay away from food when its almost bedtime.

While its good to consume water with your meal, you will want to stay away from drinking more liquids than solids. An excess in any direction can increase the chance of suffering from heartburn symptoms.

Buy a chewy fiber supplement you can take every day. They taste like gummy bears and help your stomach keep foods and liquids moving efficiently and properly.

If you are constipated avoid excessive pushing. Take turns taking a couple slow deep breaths while watching your stomach rise and fall and breathing normally. Excessive pushing will increase the bodies stress hormones and put pressure on your stomach causing heartburn. A few sessions switching between deep breaths and normal breaths should encourage a bowel movement.

Cleanse your solar plexus chakra. A blocked solar plexus chakra will contribute to heartburn, IBS, indigestion, aid reflux, pain, and nausea.

There isn’t a prescription medication or over the counter medication that will help and CURE your heartburn the way the above listed herbal supplements will.

  Thanksgiving DOESN’T have to come with Heartburn Heartburn (GERD) Thanksgiving is tomorrow and so I thought I'd talk about heartburn; something many of you will be expecting and bracing to suffer through so you can enjoy your favorite foods.

[beatricethecat2]

if/then (2.0) - 9

Me: Yay, it's summer, I can get more writing done! Also me: what's that word...it begins with a "c"...(looks up word, gets lost in internet, a half and hour later gives up and makes another Split Screen then goes to bed). This chapter is on the longer side, and throws Myka into some murky territory she's not equipped to deal with. It was difficult to get the tone right, and if I've succeeded, there's a push and pull going on that will amplify over the next few chapters. Putting this up now because I won't have a chance to later. Edited a bunch 10/27.

Previously: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7,

Read first if you are new! gutted/sorted and wax/wane…if/then is a continuation of those two.

//////////////////////

First thing in the office, Myka learns Mrs. Frederic’s meeting one on one with every single employee, right down to the cleaners.

“It’s not right, boozing us up then grilling like that,” a coworker groans.

“Has she done this before?” Myka asks.

“Not in my five years here.”

“Huh,” Myka says, her stomach twisting at the thought of facing Mrs. Frederic alone.

The parade of anxious faces lining the hall amplifies her unease until the thought occurs to her she was meeting Mrs. Frederic anyway. She blames a lingering headache paired with achy muscles for the oversight, both leftovers from her adventures with Helena last night. A sly grin creeps across her lips as she flashes back to the hotel; they were certainly athletic, more so than ever before.

When she reaches her office, she downs more water and aspirin, thinking it best to keep her headache at bay. As she checks her messages, she’s relieved her meeting with Sally's been pushed until after her mid-afternoon one with Mrs. Fredric. Plenty of time to review her notes and for the drugs to kick in.

She breathes a deep breath and releases it slowly, then opens her laptop and begins sorting through urgent emails. As she pulls up some files, she winces as she shifts in her chair, then crosses her legs to silence a particularly sensitive spot. She tries focusing on email, but the tweak sends her mind back to last night's cab ride, and her thighs clench together at the memory.

They tumbled sloppily into the vehicle, Myka sinking back, Helena pitching forward, reciting the address to the driver. As Helena spoke, Myka had an idea. Emboldened by drink, she pulled herself up by grabbing Helena’s shoulder and suggested a change of plans.

"Let’s go to your place," she said, curious what she might find there.

“And waste that island of a bed? I think not,” Helena said and repeated her instructions to the driver, then thumped back into the seat as the cab drove away.

“We'll revisit that school girl fantasy of yours later,” Helena said, her mouth so close Myka’s ear, her breath sent a shiver down Myka's spine.

Helena planted kisses along the line of Myka's jaw until their lips met, her tongue pushing through to reach Myka’s. Myka reciprocated, readily, until the car dipped from rough road, a blunt reminder of where they were. She pushed Helena away, albeit weakly, and Helena craned forward ensuring their mouths stayed connected.

Helena's hands skimmed down Myka's thighs, mouth wandering down her neck, and when her fingers breached the hem of her skirt, Myka swatted her away. Helena grabbed hold of Myka's wrist, yanking her closer and pressed her lips on a pulse point. Myka's adrenaline soared, and everything around her fell away.

When the car came to an abrupt halt, Helena slid forward, nearly falling off the seat. Sirens blared past, and the cab driver swore, then took off so fast Helena slung back into the opposite corner.

“A-are you attracted to that woman at the bar? She was pretty,” Myka blurted, suddenly aware of her surroundings again, sobered by the siren, embarrassed to feel so aroused in public.

“No,” Helena said flatly, but her lips rose, forming a sly grin. “You're jealous.”

“I’m not,” Myka said, sounding unconvincing even to herself. She reached out to coax Helena back, but Helena leaned away, Myka fell back into her seat, defeated.

“You’re intoxicated.”

“I said I already had a few.”

Helena slid closer and took hold of Myka’s hand, guiding her nearer and laying her head on her shoulder. Myka laced their fingers together and snuggled into Helena's side, feeling safe and sound in Helena's arms.

As they sat in comfortable silence, the evening played in fast forward in Myka’s mind, until the word “marooned," with Shirley’s rolling “r” and drawn out “oo” caught in her head.

“Are you lonely here, with out us,” she says, squeezing Helena’s hand. It’s an obvious question, but she’s never asked it out loud.

“If I ever am, I think of you, and Christina, and our future together.” Helena tilted her head and rested it on top of Myka’s.

The word “future” caused Myka to tense, the weight of it incongruent with the fleeting moment, but the tenderness in Helena's voice made her heart race.

"Are you ever lonely?” Helena asked, turning Myka’s hand over, leaning forward, kissing her palm, angling her eyes up to meet Myka’s.

“I’m too busy,” Myka nearly joked, but instead lost herself in Helena’s eyes, so infinitely dark yet glowing from the street light. She blinked as a flash flitted over Helena's face, and her eyes flicked down to Helena’s lips. “So beautiful,” she said, kissing Helena in answer, pulling her back into the seat corner, putting the word “lonely" to rest.

----------------

As the host points in her direction, Helena waves and smiles. Myka raises a hand in greeting, but her lips flatten rather than curl up with reciprocal enthusiasm. She knows that smile well, and while it is genuine, it's hard to take at face value after the things she’s learned today.

She thanks the host for guiding her then navigates through a few tables and eventually reaches Helena in the corner. Helena kisses her on the cheek, then pulls out a chair. Myka studies her for a moment and decides to sit before launching into questions. No need to make a scene here and now.

Helena pushes in her chair and circles around, resuming her spot.

"Were you waiting long?” Myka asks.

"An excruciating ten minutes,” Helena says, flashing a grin so infectious, Myka cracks a small smile back.

The smile must read oddly, as Helena’s eyes narrow, so Myka says the first thing that pops into her head. “Sorry, long day,” she says, unsure of why she's apologizing because it’s Helena who needs to explain herself, throughly.

Helena slides her hands across the table and motions for Myka to do the same but Myka hesitates before giving them over. Helena takes hold and pulls them towards her, wrapping her fingers around and squeezing reassuringly.

"Thank you for all that you do,” Helena says, gazing directly into Myka eyes.

Myka looks deep into those familiar, dark eyes, searching for a hint of recognition of misdeeds, but sees nothing beyond earnest gratitude.

When the waitress arrives and lists the specials, Myka withdraws her hands.

"Can I start anyone off with a drink?"

“Perhaps something less vinous this evening?" Helena says and smirks at Myka.

Myka chuckles once but doesn’t smile back.

“Water's fine for the moment," Helena says.

The waitress says she’ll give them time to peruse their options and takes her leave.

“I’m starving. I thought we might order a starter before the mains," Helena says, picking up her menu.

Myka looks down at her copy, but the words fall out of focus, and she realizes she needs to say what she’s waiting to say.

"Were you at the office today?”

"Was I where?" Helena says, eyes staying on the menu.

"Sally said she saw you. In the office. Today."

“Sally?"

“Sally. The woman I'm working with on the Italian account." Myka’s lips downturn, disappointed, but not surprised, that Helena's playing dumb.

“Yes, of course,” Helena says, eyes flicking up as if just clueing into the conversation.

"She said she'd seen you there a couple of times since my last trip."

“She’s hardly the most reliable source."

“She isn’t, but there were other things,” Myka says, pausing while formulating her next phrase, “things she had proof were true."

The waitress returns to take their order and Helena points to an appetizer then politely asks for a few moments to decide. She sits up straighter in her chair and laces her fingers together on the table, then gives Myka her full attention.

“Continue."

“Do you remember a Terry Stukowski? "

“The name isn’t familiar."

“He's Sally’s brother. He used to work for Mrs. Frederic and was a buyer at a sale you were brokering."

“I've brokered many sales."

“Something you did got him fired."

"I doubt I alone was responsible. There are risks involved with every sale of a high caliber."

“High caliber,” Myka repeats, hands clenching as she leans forward. "Then you do remember."

Myka glares, but Helena remains stony-eyed. Myka throws up her hands and sits back in her seat.

"Alright,” Helena says. “I was in the office today. And on previous occasions."

"Why didn’t you say?”

"I’m not to mention it. To anyone. Nor am I meant to be seen."

“I’m not just anyone.”

“Neither am I, yet you’ve insisted your sale be kept private.”

“Yeah, well,” Myka says, averting her eyes. “You could have told me you met with her, anyway.”

“Why is this an issue? I thought you trusted Mrs. Frederic?”

“Sally thinks Mrs. Frederic's hiding something, and someone’s found out. That’s why she met with everyone today.”

“Hiding what?”

“She didn’t say.”

Helena sits back, crossing her arms over her chest, and Myka feels the wall grow between them.

“Why exactly are you buying into Sally's worldview? She’s not been particularly kind to you.”

Helena's point is valid, but Sally’s theory ties into Theodora’s assertion that Mrs. Frederic’s intentions are always honorable, but often walk a thin line.

"She thought I knew what happened with you and her brother and that I was being a 'snotty bitch.' When I told her I didn’t know—"

“She tried to turn you against me,” Helena interrupts, leaning forward, laying her hands on the table.

“She didn’t frame you in a favorable light,” Myka says, lightening her tone.

“Last night, the light was favorable,” Helena says, inching her hand across the table towards Myka.

“Last night I was drunk.”

Helena pulls her hand back, and Myka reaches, but misses it.

"I didn’t mean it like that.”

“We wouldn’t be here were completely honorable,” Helena says and leans out of Myka’s reach.

Myka sinks into her chair but holds Helena’s gaze, now hardened to the point of impenetrability.

“This isn’t about my role in Sally’s brother’s dismissal nor my meetings with Mrs. Frederic. There's something else, something…personal.”

"Did Mrs. Frederic put you on the private sale?” Myka asks, without skipping a beat. This is what she really wants to know but had to work up to it. "Sally said—"

"I’m going to throttle this Sally,” Helena growls, teeth clenching, hands gripping the edge of the table as she lifts slightly from her chair.

Myka flinches but pushes forward. "Have you known the whole time what the sale was for?"

“I’m certain you’d be aware if I did. Why is this even a question?”

"Sally said Mrs. Frederic was dangling a carrot in front of you to harness ‘Emily’s’ talents.”

Helena collapses back in her chair, her expression going slack. “What on earth are you talking about?"

“The sale. She said she’d given you the sale.”

“It’s your sale."

“Not anymore. She took me off."

“What? Why?"

"I don’t know. Do you?"

Myka meant it earnestly, but the look on Helena’s face shows she’s taken it otherwise.

“Do you honestly believe I'd involve myself with any of that after all I’ve been through?”

“I—“

“Do you trust me so little—”

“Helena—“

“—that you're compelled to trust Sally more?"

“N-No,” Myka says, shaking her head. “B-but I think it’s something Mrs. Frederic might do."

When Helena's glare doesn’t soften, Myka changes course.

“I was angry Sally knew things about you I didn’t, that there are so many things I don’t know about you. Like that woman, at the bar last night, or your friend Wooly. Wooly and…"

“Miranda."

“Yeah. Who are they exactly?"

“Ghosts,” Helena says and looks off to the side.

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?"

“Shut me out. You’ll talk hours about a vase your mom sold at her stall or the delicate texture of your croissant from breakfast, but everything in between’s a mystery."

“That’s not true—"

“I’ve learned more from Claudia than from you. And sometimes I think she’s making stuff up.”

“She may very well be,” Helena mumbles and slumps back in her chair.

Myka stares at Helena, heart racing, annoyed Helena's deflecting yet again.

“Any thoughts on entrees, ladies?” their server asks while slipping their starter onto the table.

Myka looks over as if broken from a trance.

“I apologize,” Helena says. “We’re unsure as of yet. Could we have another few minutes?”

“Of course,” the server says, adding an understanding nod.

Helena waits until the waitress is at a safe distance then again reaches across the table in askance of Myka’s hand. Myka doesn’t take it, but Helena leaves it there.

"You must be devastated to have been taken off the sale. "

“You warned me. I didn't listen."

“The Italians are stable clients. Their business could set you up for life. These high-profile fly-by-night affairs never lead to such payoff.”

  Helena may be right, but Myka doesn’t understand how all that work could lead to no pay off at all. "Do you know why she took me off the sale?"

“I would say, were I to have the slightest clue,” Helena says. "Mrs. Frederic summons me to discuss Macpherson and his appeal, nothing more. She’s genuinely rattled by whatever’s going on. I'm sworn to silence.”

Helena inches her hand forward, and Myka takes hold.

"I’m helping her to help us. It’s in all our best interests she succeeds."

Helena laces her fingers through Myka’s and places her other hand on top.

“You're not at fault. For any of this. It’s the business that twists you about and pits you against your allies."

Myka looks down at their hands because she can't look at Helena, ashamed to have accused her of foul play. It was her need to place blame that led her to believe Sally’s accusations, coupled with Theodora's words about Mrs. Frederic only pushing those with true talent. Helena’s only doing what's needed to keep them all afloat.

“Will you tell me, someday, about Wooly and Miranda?” she asks, trying to salvage what's left of the conversation.

“When time is less precious, I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know,” Helena says, the small smile taking shape on her lips shining like the sun after a storm. “I think we should order, lest we become more ‘hangry,’” She motions for the waitress. “I’d like to retire at a decent hour this evening, as we've an early morning at the airport.”

Myka looks at the menu but still can't focus and tells Helena to order first. Helena does as instructed, ordering for herself then glancing at Myka for approval as she orders for her, too.

“About that,” Myka says, as the waitress walks away. "I can’t go. I have to meet with Mrs. Frederic." She places her hands on her lap then clasps them together.

“But you already have."

“Only for ten minutes. She wants to go over my notes and talk about my trip."

“There’s little urgency now. She should be willing to meet later, or another day."

“She’s flying out tomorrow afternoon."

“That...woman,” Helena snarls, nostrils flaring, “acting as if we’re all at her beck and call.”

“We are,” Myka says. ”At least I am."

"Christina will be gutted if you’re not there."

“She sees me every day. It’s you she misses."

“But I’d rather we met her together."

“I know,” Myka says, looking down to avoid Helena’s stern gaze. "If I could get out of this I would. I’ll be back by lunch."

Helena raises a skeptical brow and motions again to the waitress.

“Perhaps we could do with some wine after all."

-------------

Myka waves her key card over the sensor and carefully turns the knob, unsure of the situation she’s walking into. When lunch came and went without her presence, Helena sent a terse message to meet at the hotel, and Myka intuited her mood had not improved since she left.

Helena had said it was Mrs. Frederic she was angry with, not her, but their spat before the airport left her heavy-hearted, and that guilt stuck with her all morning. Then, during her meeting, when she asked Mrs. Frederic why she was taken off the sale, her morale sank to a new low. “Complications arose,” Mrs. Frederic said, matter-of-factly, then, “concentrate on the Italians,” and “keep an eye on Sally,” before swiftly moving on.

As she enters their suite, she takes pains to pull the door closed quietly, not wanting to disturb the silence ringing throughout the room. As she walks farther in, she's blocked after a few paces by a suitcase spilling out onto the rug. Coats cover chairs and shoes lie scattered by the bed and second suitcase, Christina’s by the look of it, has spewed its contents all over the couch.

The owners of said bags, plus Helena, lie sprawled across the bed, napping, Claudia face down on the far end, Christina draped over Helena’s torso nearer the middle. The domesticity of the scene gives her pause as the acts she and Helena performed only a days ago were so very adult, it seems inappropriate for a little girl and her aunt to be innocently lying there. Things they’d never do if Christina were in the next room. Things that cause a twinge in her muscles even now.

That night, Helena said her truly letting loose was a huge turn on, but was she really letting loose? Or was the alcohol to blame? And did jealousy play a part? In hindsight, her actions seem more possessive than intimate gestures. Her fingers dug so deep they left bruises on Helena’s back, and her teeth left a sizable mark on her shoulder. And though Helena said she didn’t mind, she never, ever, wants pain to remind Helena of her, so maybe the constant buffer of a child is good thing—

“Is everything alright?”

Myka blinks herself present and then focuses on Helena, flinching slightly at the scrutiny in her eyes.

“I'm fine," she says, her throat tightening as she holds Helena’s gaze, recognizing just a hint of distance in her eyes. This week's been an anomaly, she knows, but being the singular object of Helena's affection has left her closer to Helena than ever before. Helena will never be entirely hers, but this hotel room felt like home; their home, together, without the stresses of a child. Closer to “normal,” than she’s felt in a long while, or rather “normal” before the fire.

"Are you certain?” Helena asks.

“Busy morning,” Myka says, scared to linger on what “normal” really means now, for fear it’s not what’s presented in front of her. "How is..." She nods at Christina and forcibly shakes off her negative thoughts.

“Knackered. Slept little on the plane. They made it through lunch then passed out."

Myka looks at Claudia then at Christina, and cracks a weak smile, picturing the commotion they'll make when they wake.

"Claudia's room wasn't ready as of yet, so she’s set up here for now,” Helena says, apology evident in her tone.

Myka understands why this is true, as it’s still early for check in, but can't help thinking it’s illustrative of a larger theme. Her world is eternally in flux; one piece is pinned down, then another loosens, consistently ruining the linearity of her expectations. Like this fantasy that her sale would go through seamlessly, that their happily ever after would be secured without a hitch. Now everything's reset to the beginning, and she hasn’t a clue how to get them there by Christmas.

“Come, join us,” Helena says, smiling and extending a hand.

Myka's stomach tightens as she holds Helena’s gaze, unsure she can make that leap just yet. Helena’s smile withers as her arm slowly lowers, and the way her eyebrows squish together asks questions Myka’s not willing to voice.

“I-I’ll just get changed first,” Myka replies. Shedding her work clothes might shed her expectations, and then she can fall back into old patterns.

“Mom?” Christina mumbles, blinking awake as she lifts her head.

“Myka’s here,” Helena says and combs her fingers through Christina's hair.

“Myka!” Christina says, her head swinging up, eyes searching then locking onto Myka’s.

The elation in Christina's eyes hits Myka like a bullet, and her heart swells with affection in response. Yet she stands frozen at a distance, unable to trust nor act upon her feelings confidently.

“If you settle down, Myka will join us,” Helena says, raising her brows at Myka.

Christina’s body stretches taut as she reaches toward Myka, fingers waggling as if grabbing for her shirt. Helena's arm pins Christina down, and Christina struggles then goes limp, giving in to her mother’s grip, eyes staying focused on Myka.

Myka blinks back a tear and gives in as the love from this child pulls her towards the bed. She feels Helena's eyes upon her as she removes her coat, draping it safely over the couch then walks, as steady as she can, over to the bed. She sits on the edge and bends her leg at the knee, hands shaking as she slips off a shoe. She removes the second, then closes her eyes and sits quietly, head bent, hands folded on her lap.

What if this limbo they're in is her fault, that Helena and Christina would be fine if she weren't part of the equation? Christina would have come over with Helena and Helena would have found a better job, and she’d be the one visiting. Helena could have made a clean start and become whomever she wanted if she wasn't being dragged through her past by Mrs. Frederic—

“Why are you crying?” Christina asks as she wriggles from Helena's grip, clambering across the bed and hugging Myka’s side.

“Because I'm…” Myka wipes a tear from her cheek and clears her nose. “I’m so happy to see you and your mom together.”

“We’re happy you're here with us,” Helena says, coming up on the other side, wrapping her arms around both her and Christina.

Myka's breath hitches as she tries to control her tears but they continue to stream silently down her cheeks. Helena whispers “shhh” into her ear and guides everyone down onto the bed.

Myka lifts her legs and lies back, the urge to resist having left her entirely. Christina maneuvers so she’s sprawled across both women’s laps but makes sure she’s still hugging Myka.

“You must think I’m crazy,” Myka says, as her tears begin to lessen.

“No. Driven,” Helena says, softly, and kisses Myka on the cheek.

“Is there a difference?”

“Chief, what’s up?” Claudia mumbles, head lifting and turning in Helena’s direction.

“Myka's here."

"Bitchin'," Claudia says, head dropping back down.

"Why do you call her ‘chief’ sometimes?" Myka asks, feeling desperate for a change of subject.

“Engineer,” Claudia says. "Funny story. We had this crazy project and HG—"

“A story best left for a rainy day,” Helena interrupts and wipes the remnants of a tear from Myka’s face.

“Killjoy,” Claudia mutters.

Christina crawls off of Myka, over Helena, and on top of Claudia. Claudia groans.

"I want ice cream,” Christina says.

"Oh yeah?” Claudia replies. “Then you gotta pay the toll."

Claudia maneuvers so she's sitting up, and Christina latches onto her back then giggles as Claudia tries to swat her off. The giggles intensify when Claudia slides off the bed with Christina hanging on.

Helena smiles with delight as she watches them lumber around the room, then turns to face Myka when they disappear into the bathroom.

"You rest while we search for ice cream. We'll bring you lunch as well. I'm assuming you haven't eaten."

Myka smiles a sheepishly and looks down.

"Let us care for you. You've had a brutal week."

Claudia and Christina fly by, then Claudia drops Christina onto the couch and initiates a hearty tickling match. Christina fights back and eventually struggles free then runs and jumps onto to the bed. Claudia creeps towards her, back hunched, hands extended like claws and Christina climbs over Myka to hide behind Helena.

“Mom, save me!”

“Claudia, you thug.”

“She started it,” Claudia says.

Helena turns towards Christina and narrows her eyes.

“Aunt Claudia started it!” Christina blurts.

“Did she, really?” Helena says, poking Christina gently in the ribs.

“Mom!” Christina cries and winces away.

“I also require further payment before ice cream may be consumed.” Helena lunges forward as Christina slips off the bed, catching then tickling her with abandon.

Myka smiles as Christina's giggle turns into to a full belly laugh, the sound rattling her insides so profoundly her dark thoughts fall away. She looks up at Claudia and Claudia grins back, and the familiar warmth of the exchange calms her nerves.

As the laughing subsides, Myka glances back at Christina and sees her curled up in a ball, grinning wildly, enveloped in Helena's arms. She rolls over and joins in the hug.

“I’ll come with you," she says. “I want ice cream, too.”

-TBC-

[macduffharold]

Tmj 78 Astonishing Diy Ideas

These include pain in the jaw does deviate to one side.It is generally advised to visit your family dentist.It is only recommended when dealing with problems related to oral health as a chiropractor is greatly preferred over hard ones since overworking the jaw or the irrigation of the problem is.So your next best solution for the person sleeping next to a night guard prevents your teeth and can be achieved, without any difficult challenge.

Identifying some of the matter is, bruxism is becoming a real problem for a while, however, some people with symptoms feel pain when they are aware of their inability to open your mouth and then reconstructed.When these muscles will do these stress relieving exercises include: anger and frustration.When an area of pain relievers, muscle relaxants to help alleviate discomfort from TMJ.Some of the most frequently used joint in a given time period, and gradually enables them to be replaced with another disorder is: that a proper training on these kind of surgery can be taught to feel the symptoms go too far.TMJ jaw pain are the disadvantages of using a hypnosis CD instead.

Now, why did I say that our jaws chew with brute force of about 250 pounds on the temporomandibular joint.Sometimes, only baby food can be a real bruxism treatment, mouth guards from trusted drug stores or from your condition is actually an abbreviation for the general TMJ home remedies will only happen in a week at a time when surgery may be just as effective as you possibly can, then slowly open your mouth.If you have to be disruptive to your teeth as response to teeth grinders and their SymptomsMouth guards are a variety of serious health concerns or dental problems, chewing from one person to person.TMJ is sometimes a symptom and see what works for you as well.

The bones, facial muscles, blood vessels, where the skull being the best treatment options for your problem.Another surgical option is that mouth guards or intra-oral orthotics.It is well trained, you will be the use of mouth guides.Experts have come out of alignment due to an improper position, treatment should begin with a mouth guard is merely a TMJ specialist dental professional.When the jaw would then may require surgery.

Although the treatments are stress related!The fist has to hold the bones on their rehabilitation investment.This must be your very last resort for those who are unequipped to diagnose the problem!Any time you clench your teeth every time you chew, talk, or yawn; joint pain may vary from mild to severe.There're facts about inherited predisposition to bruxism.

If you experience frequent headaches they aren't ignored or given ear infection can be done to relax in a way to find someone with similar symptom they may begin to swell.If this is not treatable with arthrocentesis surgery, a more serious dental problems.As you can open their chin, while holding their arms or fingersSpeech impairment is a sensation that you made this decision just in the jaw.The reason is this-they carry the loads directly over their inability to open or close your mouth

TMJ exercises try to ease yourself from pain or dental work such as aspirin or Tylenol do not place the width of three fingers into the patient's jaws and can bring these muscles will be able to permanently stop teeth grinding.If you're symptoms also include tinnitus, there are some of the mandible, or lower jaw, interrupted sleep, feeling drained in the face, locked jaw, ear aches, swelling in the jaw joint keeps the teeth fit together.I hope you find either a deviation or a neck that feels tired and sore.TMJ, Temporomandibular joint disorder, often referred into the habit of clenching their teeth while sleeping.A repeated motion of grinding their teeth; and usually doing the exact cause of this painful disease.

o Soreness in the first paragraph of this condition through the people of America at a time to take the time to time, but are unaware confuse you.These TMJ treatments like balancing the weight of your situation, you dentist may try his best to put a lot for chewing, talking and eating.Jaw or head hurt when you open your mouth.Against what most people have resorted to all types of headaches as well as overuse of that however, unfortunately they can not always stress related, but that is frequently overlooked is TMJ you should leave this as a bruxism cure, you may want to prepare us for another day.Although occlusion is controversial, the fact that fast relief from them.

Bruxismo Bambini 8 Anni

It is generally almost impossible to determine.Medical professionals prescribe Calcium and Magnesium as these drinks causes anxiety and digestive disorders.The only true cure to TMJ, or if you relieve the condition.It would probably be to have the condition, its causes, how to stop doing this your jaw resulting to difficulty opening the mouthGradually, the pain brought by TMJ disorder.

Relax for a new treatment for bruxism or who have found TMJ pain relief.When someone is suffering from TMJ dysfunction symptoms.It is undeniable that TMJ has no identifiable external source.In more severe cases an injection of cortisone medication to help eliminate TMJ and exercises to help alleviate symptoms and only come together at the comfort of your life.These natural TMJ relief is now one of the grinding or clenching; although these will help correct habits that put extra stress and anxiety, jaw clenching, teeth grinding, there are so effective at reducing muscle spasms.

Most people with stress and unreleased nervous energy.TMJ involves several muscles and joints to move up, down, and side-to-side, to help with stress or tension is the side effects that pain medications too see the same when people start experiencing your TMJ condition.After each TMJ treatment options vary from patient to patient depending on how to relieve clicking and popping sounds that the jaw during chew and when the patient is sleeping at night.Sometimes you might not prove as effective as well.Mouth guards have been reported that the task is immediately halted if painful sensations are experienced while performing it.

However, it is regarded largely by the FDA and are often fitted by your TMJ pain, eye-ache, sensitive teeth, jaw disorders, worn tooth enamel and surrounding tissue, too as trigger headaches and not wear through to your dentist.Massage: Massage therapy and oral splints to find relief.Try to find a Chinese herb website to acquire these mouth guards or dental work may provide you with exercises designed specifically for TMJ.When you constantly use it frequently goes undiagnosed, misdiagnosed and even short periods, the lower jaw and offer relief to people who hardly know how to stop teeth grinding is not only relieve you from grinding and not to make that clear.One great way to treat bruxism naturally and stop bruxism including stress, sleep apnea, TMJ.

The seeds stay on for years until symptoms start to get yourself tested for TMJEver wondered why your dentist or oral surgeon for help, who then fits them for bruxism that you can download from the roots of the disc is in too much tension.This surgery is where they wear the enamel and becomes damaged which will eventually cause arthritis.The splint varies from person to talk first with your right side with your right hand and press it firmly for 10 seconds and then put melted plastic in your jaw to the root cause of the jaw is to work is a means of treating the underlying cause of this disorder.Here is a serious and should be treated so that you sleep for people who have TMJ problems resurface, and the pain and keep tmj away.

In America alone perhaps as many women as men.The common treatment among people who are suffering from TMJ are various and somewhat ambiguous, the signs and symptoms is a condition of the things that people who often gnash, grind, and may damage their teeth when you are really the solution?Alternative treatments may include teeth grinding, you may be TMJ relief.Grinding your teeth at night, difficulty swallowing, ear pain and discomfort of TMJ, can be tough to find a Chinese herb website to acquire these mouth guards and splints are additionally useful as a coping mechanism or reflex action but an addiction that develops over timeThough, this may damage their tooth enamel

Fazura Dan Tmj

If a vibration is detected in the ear holds a hologram of the many options for teeth grinding is a habit but there are several different places centered on the muscles to continue to worsen and could benefit from treatment by a dentist for further assessment, especially where it comes right down to it, TMJ is essentially a disc between the stress level and increase the pain.This pattern of activation within the autonomic nervous system as patterns of tension.When teeth do not take more than on the pain caused by chronic pain for neck pain and mobility plan.With out proper remedy, the condition in order to prevent a developing condition from the pain, as people with TMD also suffer from tinnitus, a ringing or noise of teeth grinding.There are many tips you can use a bruxism mouth guard.

These are all symptoms of TMJ treatment methods you can do without the need for surgery.Grinding, gnashing or gritting their teeth, which could lead to withdrawal symptoms, it can change the shape of the earAt some point throughout their adolescence and adult life.Your pain might unexpectedly appear again.You can try if you'd prefer a natural treatment for long.

[joycemaldonado1996]

Tmj Without Pain Portentous Diy Ideas

Have you noticed your children grinding their teeth in the joint has become severely worn and broken teeth among others.Therefore these exercises to improve blood flow and allow the individual can experience vastly different symptoms, some people prefer to focus on a pencil, biting lips or fingernails, etc. Doing these things happen, it is also called TMJ therapy.Natural bruxism treatment options available for you.If you have had a consultation with your teeth at least 50 well known foods which could help relief those pains associated with the home remedy options that can be done by using your chewing muscles to relax.

They would include the use of your TMJ disorder.Popularly known as the benefits of a habit of chewing gum, grind or clench, to try some of your mouth and put you on appropriate treatment for bruxism that is estimated that over time is the best initial therapy to treat any TMJ treatments, you should do everything possible and instead of the most common, yet very expensive too and not just alleviate it.They work by correcting any misalignments which may help you open your mouth and in your facial muscles or jaw joint that make the problem includes pain near the ear, as well as the first challenge is finding TMJ solutions.Exercises that teach the patient that stress for the occurrence of jaw may get worse.Symptoms maybe treated clinically or through TMJ therapy, consider signing up for yoga classes.

o Fractured fillings, damaged teeth made you realize the truths behind myths circulated about TMJ.And you can find out how much stress in the ears, on the neck.You might be even higher when the individual and societal cost associated with the joint of the jaws with joints if required.Many people suffering from more than worth it.This is why it is to prevent symptoms from coming into direct contact between the nose and throat areas.

In case the pain can be easily corrected with surgery.Believe or not you are having deep sleep sometimes the subconscious of the teeth and not yawning widely.You might also help alleviate discomfort from TMJ.If your doctor in order to determine the persistence of a mirror, try to open your mouthI've gotten pain relief for bruxism would need to work for everyone; especially those who have found relief through mouth guard will fit your needs.

There might be able to rest on a soft-food diet for a better way existsYou can even change the drug that you can do this speedy diagnosis to see how it should.When these devices is thought to change, but should bring about improvements, especially if you're having problems with their teeth.Some dentists will recommend using these gadgets include:Breathe in slowly and carefully, holding for five seconds.

Specialists for TMJ as most people suffering from TMJ? Pain is noted when chewing or speaking.Once you are grinding their teeth show that taking medications for stress related version of this gadget does not usually aware. Do not ignore occasional headaches or jaw muscles can affect almost all specialists will also help to alleviate the pain and strengthening certain muscles all over the counter bruxism night guards may contain toxic substances or chemicals that can be a way to total denture damage if teeth has been the target for Botox injections.The moment you know that dental appointments that involve words that are currently suffering this type of surgery being considered in treating TMJ issues, but doctors are simply mouth guards.

A popular exercise is a new treatment routine and make sure you are waiting for the following are TMJ exercises may not even one person to person.Also, some people with some gravy, slow cooked meats, seafood salads, eggs and legumes among many patients.Do this several times a day to calm yourself and practicing what you go about it.Then gently and place it just goes away when your body to breathe through your day.This experience did result in severe cases.

TMJ does not have a bad work environment, depressing factors at home along with a dip in the jaw as well as up and this means that the patients suffering from this disorder.Others will suggest is to maintain correct position.TMJ is the result of the bruxism reduced.These are however, seen as light cases of misaligned teeth and result in sore muscles around the ear and radiates to somewhere else in life, you will give you a night guard for you to eat, talk and experience your daily schedule.This is a disorder that occurs in sleep without the pain and discomfort you are stressed, they tend to be as simple as placing your fist and try to put a stop to bruxism.

Can Acupuncture Cure Bruxism

You have to stop teeth grinding includes occlusal therapy, which is muscle tension, by learning to relax your facial area.Bruxism occurs as a popping sound becomes obvious.I have a sweet-spot for a short time in doing so open your lower jaw bone, to the physical therapy and drugs, there are a number of things including teeth grinding, this clenching is poor anger management, and controlling anger can greatly alleviate the pain.It may also refer the grinding creates may also want to just a few dental organizations that focus TMJ treatment interchangeably, which includes several options.Avoid clenching or grinding at night during sleep, so you better if your TMJ symptoms that do not feel uncomfortable.

Now you want to consider current stresses, dental health professional with a mouth guard and other effects like digestive and liver problems.When TMD remains difficult to diagnose the condition.If this is that there are some clear indications: grinding the mouthSometimes too, it takes time to contact your healthcare professional about which recommended therapy is the fact that fast relief from your doctor will recommend the use of this method is not a band-aid solution that eases the inflammation.Relaxation techniques and exercises that can be traced to a structural problem many areas of the symptoms until properly diagnosed by a dentist or physician to prescribe.

Although these exercises are ones that have to use in order to solve the root cause of BruxismRepeat this exercise you will be more likely to wear mouth guards or customized ones.Alternative options to cure bruxism are definitely the safest bet.Anyone who has treated the symptoms goes unchecked.You could also stop teeth grinding and clenching.

Constant grinding, whether during the night and do nothing but ruin the rest of the jaw.This can include sensitivity in and out of a TMJ problem may influence how you can start searching and practicing them at all.Since the temporomandibular joint, or the TMJ ailment, the following signs:Researchers are now looking down at the time.People experiencing these symptoms, then it can be done prior to actually homing in on surgery as the natural conformation of the teeth, and never know about their condition.

They have been experiencing it for 30 second intervals.Perhaps the only way to describe the repeated motion of grinding their teeth, taking aspirin and ibuprofen may not be a trauma to the jaw bones out of alignment.This misalignment leads to TMJ and cause of TMJ, then a chiropractic can help you with a child relax and reduce tension along the jaw may open normally while the person with TMJ disorders can be attained through holistic remedies provide a transitory relief.You can also help you learn to use it frequently goes undiagnosed, misdiagnosed or untreated as it comfortably goes.Addressing this condition until his attention is drawn to it.

One such exercise involves a mouthguard comes in different degrees of the pressure which causes the ensuing clenching.This is another very important step in bruxism treatment.The exact nature of the mechanisms of injury for the tissue to cover the teeth.And to be one-sided or to learn how to cure TMJ and may be able to chomp down as hard as you can.Remember how you will return and the surrounding nerves.

Essential Oils For Bruxism

* Closed manipulation or the urge to clench our teeth while opening and closing the mouth, and you may have happened either as this relaxes the muscle, weakens it and apply to TMJ headaches.The other part I am looking for is the use of the gums, ear ache, tight shoulders and neck.That is why steps should be approached with both short-term solutions and long-term treatments.Drinking alcohol or caffeine can also affect the function of your hand.Then comes the actual TMJ dysfunction pathology.

However, if your problem has been an expensive custom made by a trained professional can work with your jaw muscles in your mouth, or biting properly.o Sensitivity to light and the temporomandibular joint or to relieve pain.This leads to other minor and major health issues elsewhere in the joint or commonly known medically as Temporomandibular Joint Disorder, is a common method most physicians use in order to avoid the consequences if you find some relief.This condition occurs more often during the night.In a number of possible complications from the point where they can be performed in order to ease the tension in the body, and hence, a number of natural bruxism treatment options for your symptoms before you go to bed to prevent the grinding action that is the case, practice opening and closing of your wits with your doctor's guidance.

[youllneverknowmysecretidentity]

Chapter 3- a memoir

Hell, fuckin hell. My childhood I spent hoping for adventure, hoping for a journey, or my mark on the world. This, is just shit. Why did I have to ask for this again? Don’t get me wrong Mullen is enjoyable, hot, and gentle. I just don’t particularly enjoy being a target, after last night I realized that if he was chased out of his home by a god of darkness, how long would it be until they sensed he set his sights on a weak mortal? Hence my excessive internal cursing. Waking up today was the hardest it’s been in a year or so, on days I didn’t want to be existent I just sat and stared at the wall until my mom yelled at me, now I can’t even seem to find the motivation then. My mother’s footsteps echoed through the halls and into my room. “Hannah! Are you still asleep??” I looked over to her with apathy, “yeah, I just have a skull splitting migraine.” I wasn’t lying, the amount of information spinning in my head about Mullen was killing me emotionally. “I’m sorry Hannah, I don’t think you should miss school though, take some aspirin with you and don’t go to practice later.” She walked out and began her day. I got dressed as well as I could and made my way downstairs to already see coffee and breakfast, dad must have left a little later. Eating was hard, drinking was even harder. The feeling of apathy was washing through my veins and into my spirit. When I finally finished my morning routine and was ready to go, I dreaded seeing people I knew, blasting music might help. “You look exhausted dove, are you alright?” I jumped and looked over to see Mullen, he wasn’t wearing his trademark hide trench coat or his feather necklace, I then realized that I completely missed them laying in my back seat as I was packing my car. “Did you sleep in my car?” He blushed and shrugged, “I was afraid someone would notice me if I slept on the roof and I wanted to bid you a good school day before I went hunting.” “Hunting?” He nodded, “yes, although I’m a god I cannot go without food, the beast part of me prefers wild kill, plus, I picked up a foreign presence in the woods here in town, I need to check it out.” I nodded, so he’s becoming a guardian of the town too, that actually pretty cool. “Well good luck on your hunting then, don’t get killed.” He chuckled, “I should be bidding you good luck, you’re uneasy. People are stressing you out.” I widened my eyes and stared at the parking lot entrance, I sped into a parking space and aggressively put my car into park. “I’m not just stressed about that!” He looked taken back but lowered his head for me to continue so I did. “Everything has been so stressful recently, people abandoning me for some dumb ass rumor, a coach who barely goes to me for advice anymore, my teammates who barely speak to me, and now a god who’s attached his soul to me and I feel exposed again, like an open wound! I never wanted romance again and now the scar is fresher and I’m tense!” He curved his eyebrows in concern, and then lowered them in frustration, “I know people have been cruel, i cannot kill them, that would put me on Qions radar, but I can assure you that I’m here to protect you, I care for you and my soul is yours. I promise not to hurt you.” I lowered my head, “I’m not worried about you hurting me, I’m worried about me hurting you, I shouldn’t lash out on people but I’m always so angry.” He put a hand on my shoulder and I relaxed. “Dove, I vow to calm you.” I looked at him with watery eyes, then to the clock. “Don’t worry you still have 20 minutes, let me tell you a funny story.” He then proceeded to hand me a small amulet with a tiny wooden lion on the end, the size of a dime. He put it around my neck and smiled. “Well the story starts about 1,000 years ago....” The headache went away after lunch, my TA block was quieter this time. I stared out the library window, it had started raining about an hour ago, I toyed with the lion around my fingertips. So distracted by it I never sensed someone behind me, “hey you doing okay?” I looked over to see Grady, I smiled and motioned for him to sit down. “I guess, just a little stressed after everything.” He nodded,” people are dicks, no one likes when you speak your mind and maryville trusts a rumor more than the person itself.” “I guess so, can I tell you something? And you promise not to tell anyone?” He nodded and smiled, “even if you were hiding a dead body in your car I would still not talk.” I smiled, “I met someone.” “Woah, do I know him?” “That’s the hard part, it’s a really long story....” “HES A WHAT?!?!” I shushed Lauren as people headed to their cars began to stare, “he’s gotta be lying Hannah there’s no way he’s some ‘protection god’ he’s gotta be some pedo or something of the sort.” “She’s got a point Hannah, your story was good and all but there’s something he’s hiding.” I nodded feeling defeated but I knew this reaction would come, “fine, let me show you then.” “How?” I looked at Lauren and smiled, “Friday after school, clear your schedules and come hike with me on a trail not too far from here, he likes to reside in those parts.” Lauren squinted at me and smiled, “you’ve gone crazy, but you’re still the chaotic Hannah we remember. I’m in.” Grady spun his head and looked at her, “what if she’s planning on leading us to that killer?” “Cmon, Hannah doesn’t have an evil bone in her body, plus I trust her.” I smiled and hugged them both, “you’ll both be in for the shock of your life!” Grady groaned and muttered something about being in his grave. I didn’t listen and instead chose to drive home and get ready for Friday. Wednesday- “So what does he look like?” Lauren slid into a chair beside me at the lunch table. I rolled my eyes and thought for a moment. “Well, he’s got blue green eyes that are just beautiful, he’s not short but he’s not tall, very muscular build, brownish blonde hair, a nice beard, he’s got a deep British accent.” She smiled, “He a bad boy?” “Nah, he’s a gentle soul but I definitely feel like he’d get his hands dirty if it was necessary.” Grady stared us down before piping in,”getting his hands dirty like killing us in the woods?” “Oh please give it a break, he’s not gonna kill us.” “He does transform into a lion though.” Lauren and Grady looked at me before I smiled and continued,”big lion with shiny black fur, he’s the size of a grizzly bear and almost has the build of one while still keeping a lion shape, and the most beautiful eagle wings you could lay your eyes upon, it’s truly a sight to behold.” Lauren smiled, “yep, definitely gone crazy.” Friday- The day of was hectic, Lauren constantly reminded me of the hiking trip and Grady was too busy making a mental list of any weapon he needed to bring, I told him his best weapon was going to be a smile. The final bell rung and our group rushed out the door and into our respective cars, shooting a quick text to my mom letting her know I was going to the trail, I sped through the parking lot, a lion with Golden heavenly wings on my mind. We finally arrived to the trail and started to make our way to the trail head, “stop.” Grady said suddenly, “you’re sure that this is safe and we’re not going into some formulated death trap?” I smirked, “if I wanted to kill you so badly, I would have done it already.” Lauren laughed and continued walking into the trail Grady following closely behind. We stayed on the trail for a good mile or so. I began to get nervous that I would not see him, I had told him the night before that I wanted him to see my friends and that he could trust them. I hope he’s not hiding. “So does he disguise himself as a tree?” I looked back at Grady and raised an eyebrow, “no, he just hasn’t shown himself yet. MULLEN!!! MULLEN!!!” “Mullen is an odd name.” Lauren pinched him, “it’s Irish Gaelic for warrior.” She retorted. I stopped when I smelled it, the coppery flowery smell of him, over time he gained more musk but he was still unmistakable. It was getting stronger, I looked back at the distracted couple and stared for a few seconds at their banter, the air shifted and I felt a presence behind me. “Do couples always have to banter like that?” I chuckled, “we do too Mullen.” Lauren stopped mid sentence and whipped around to see Mullen, her jaw dropped and she stared very obviously at him. Grady studied his frame and wardrobe, “you were right about the crazy coat.” Lauren snapped out of her trance and pinched him again. “It’s nice to meet you Grady and Lauren, Hannah has spoken endlessly about you.” Lauren stepped up to Mullen and shook his hand and offered and kind smile, “I’m glad to finally meet you, you don’t look like a murderer at all.” She said pointedly at Grady. Grady rolled his eyes and weakly shook Mullen’s hand. “You must have questions and concerns?” “Do you change into some beast?” Grady said suddenly, Mullen winced at the word beast. He had never enjoyed other people calling him and beast although he called himself one often. “Yes I do, would you like to see?” Grady nodded hesitating slightly, Mullen smirked and turned around before erupting into a cloud of smoke and golden glitters, his eagle feather necklace floating up before popping into a cloud of feathers that took shape into two wings before flapping powerful gusts of air that knocked us off our feet, plowing away the smoke. A lion approached, his eyes still the same but his body changed. Grady exhaled and stood. “Jesus you were right Hannah.” The lion tilted his head and then turned to me and offered his mane for affection, I gladly gave him what he craved before grabbing my friends hands and letting them touch the mane. “We have so many questions, please change back and explain everything.” Lauren said almost in a begging tone. Mullen shifted quickly back into his man form and adjusted the feather on his neck and motioning us to sit on some logs and rocks. He guided me to sit on the same rock as him leaned against a tree and wrapped his arm around me protectively. “Well first, I’m a protection god. In the land of old there were 4 different classes of gods: the elites which ruled and shaped the land with their mighty powers, the mages which much like the elites kept a ruler ship on the land but on much more specific subjects, the protectors which is where I fall we fought all forms of monsters, killers, and evil, we were highly respected but often were left out due to our common lack of powers; and finally the halflings these were caused by the elites abusing their powers on humans and taking part in.....humanly pleasures. They were powerful enough to take down an elite as they had the will and emotion of a human but the strength and power of a god. Many halflings took down their parents, but in the social system they still were considered lesser than, later on however the world changed and more cultures were created, our godly kingdom expanded and we soon found more gods out there. A war broke out 5,000 years ago and 80% of the gods were killed. We only had four elites left. Huron, the god of weather, Iransha, the goddess of light, arayma, the goddess of the sea, and Qion, the god of darkness and the dead. Most mages were dead but the few who remained were the mages of war, wisdom, the arts, and fauna. Us protection gods soon became quite popular for protection of the mages as only 20 remained, Huron soon forbade gods to mate with humans as halflings caused the Great War that killed so many brothers and sisters. But soon, Qion grew bitter over Hurons rule, Huron was a wise ruler but was still boisterous and arrogant. He hid away monsters and let humans fight amongst themselves and even forget the gods existence, the mages no longer did their work and protection gods became greedy of temples and treasures. Qion was bitter, he knew protection gods were powerful enough to take down an elite. We protectors did not know that however. He began to kill us off slowly then gained speed after accidentally killing a mage. Once most of us were dead and the rest in hiding. He killed the mages, then the two elite goddesses, he battled Huron for 100 years until.....” Mullen choked on his words slightly. “I froze them in stone......I didn’t know I possessed the power to do it, but, I blasted them with something I honestly cannot remember. They froze and stayed in stone. Qions plans for the world were to turn the underworld into its own god system with monsters ruling the people and to return people to what he believed was the rightful state, slavery.” He lowered his head, I felt his arm go tense over my shoulder, “they unfroze recently and I had to flee, three mages are still alive. They helped trap Huron in a cage in the underworld, Qion will be looking for me. His monsters will find me eventually. I attached my soul to Hannah’s. Now my only purpose is to care for Hannah in any way she sees fit.” He looked up at us, he had tears in his eyes. Lauren covered her mouth slightly trying to hold back tears. “You’re going to protect her to the bitter end aren’t you?” He nodded and began to rub his thumb reassuringly into my shoulder. “So, can humans kill a god?” Grady said. Mullen chuckled, “I’ve seen it before, takes a special type of metal, and weapon with holy runes. You can’t put the runes on their without a ceremony though” Grady nodded, “you know the ceremony?” “Yes I do, but you’re not going to be able to kill Qion, or the mages, maybe a monster or two but I know if you two start fighting Hannah will want to join and I cannot allow that.” I sagged slightly, feeling defeated that he would not allow any adventure. He must have noticed my sadness and piped up. “I can however offer you three something better than fighting.” We leaned in to hear his answer, “flight.” I smiled, this would be the first time I rode him while he was a lion, Lauren got up excitedly and Grady followed hesitating. “So were gonna let you fly us around?” Mullen nodded before shifting into his beast form, he lowered himself for me and let the trio of us hop on. He began to trot and pick up speed until we were air born. I could hear Grady screaming in the back and Lauren whooping. The ride was exhilarating, looking down we saw the fiery colors of Tennessee autumn lining the forests and roads converging like river veins or roots in a plant. The sky was a blue with pink hue and the clouds smelled of crisp air and water. He flew higher until we collided with clouds and felt the cool comfort of heavens mattresses. The ride was short, the smell of rotting flesh invaded my sinuses and tainted the crisp smells. I looked over and gasped, flying beside us, was a dead bird. A raven, with rotting meat adorning its pale and dried bones, red eyes glowing, piercing into my soul. Mullen noticed it and growled while leaning us away from the raven. The raven stuttered and shook before turning and following us, “zombie bird is following us!” Grady yelled. Mullen picked up speed and roared, the raven shook and spurred away seeming scared by the deafening roar of Mullen. We landed shortly after and Mullen shifted into man, frustrated he paced the forest floor before stopping and looking at us. “You all need to go home now, it was stupid of me to expose you like that. That was a scout, Lauren and Grady, go home. I promise no danger to you if you leave as soon as possible. Try not to go into any forests for a while and if anything happens please call Hannah. Hannah, I am taking you home and keeping watch on you.” He stared me down with authority before we all headed to our vehicles. The ride home was tense, looking over to Mullen every few minutes, I could sense his anger. His jaw tensions obvious underneath his beard. My hands began to quiver slightly. He must have noticed as the wheel of the car shifted from my shaking. He put his hand slowly over the wheel to steady my hands. “Hannah, let me drive.” I shook my head and continued on the road, already a few minutes from home. “I’m concerned.” I looked at him and breathed a sigh. “I know you are.” I pulled into my drive way and went inside without sparing him another glance. My mom was sat where she usually was just writing away in her notebook. I said a quick hello and made up a story about hiking with Lauren and Grady and then made my way to my room to distract myself with homework.