#i might be able to fix it tmrw | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mostlyvoid-partiallyturtles · 1 year ago

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I had an idea today and wrote this. It’s 2:30 in. The morning so I’ll probably polish this a bit tmrw or the day after and then post it to ao3 but yeah. Here you go. It’s a fic abt future Donnie’s death (also my first apocalypse fic I hope it’s ok)

So this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a… boop-boop.

~*~*~

Donatello stepped out of his lab.

“Donatello! Protocols 17 and 42 need updating!” Michelle, an otter yokai, yelled over other voices.

“Dee, what’s the progress on ninpo assist?” Mikey shouted.

“Professor Donatello,” a small child asked. Donnie looked down. “How many numbers are there?”

Donnie sighed. Of course this was before coffee. “Put it on the bulletin board, I’ve been working on it, and as many as you’d like,” they responded.

He walked to the kitchen, pushing his way through crowds of yokai and humans. Coffee, at this point, was less of a wonderful wake-up bean juice, and more of a watered-down placebo. They poured the entire pot into a mug and chugged it, yawning as they put the mug in the gray-water sink.

“That’s the last of the good stuff,” Leo commented. “All we have is the instant now.”

“Good stuff? It was good when it wasn’t water with a hint of coffee,” Donnie complained.

Leo chuckled. “Yeah, well, if you want to give your coffee ration to someone else…”

“No, I’m good,” Donnie said quickly. “I’ll take this stuff.”

“Hope it woke you up. I need you on a mission today.”

“What level?”

“We have to go into a level two zone,” Leo explained. He looked tired, he probably had given his coffee ration to Usagi again. They both needed it, but Leo was the head of the entire resistance. They needed him awake the most. “The Kraang just brought in almost a hundred people, and nearly a third were Resistance fighters. Are. Resistance fighters. We’re going to get them back. But since it’s a level two zone, we need you there on tech support.”

“Alright. Just let me handle a couple fix-ups first.” Donnie ran a hand down his face, yawning again. They hadn’t slept in… two? Three days? He had lost count.

“Meet in the hangar at eight thirty, we’re taking the Splinter and the Cassandra.” The two ships were named in honor of those close to the turtles, and had died before their time. Mikey had graffitied their portraits inside the respective ships.

“Okie dokie, General Nardo.” The softshell was already walking out the door.

~*~*~

Donnie walked back into their lab, not bothering to shut the door. Now that people knew he was awake, he was bound to receive tech support requests and tune-up reminders.

They walked to their desk, grabbing their lab coat as they passed the rack on their way over. Donatello sat down, flipped down his goggles, and continued to work on the ninpo assist. He didn’t want to tell Mikey how much work still had to be done, and that by the time it was finished it might not be able to supply the help that the box turtle needed.

Mikey was the strongest fighter in the resistance. He had ninpo, speed, and strength. His weakness was his ninpo overuse- he would usually collapse unconscious after a demanding battle.

Ninpo was a touchy subject. Donnie’s was just fine, but Leo’s was out of reach. Raph’s was simply… gone, and had been for almost a year and a half. Mikey’s was an open fire- it burned bright, beautiful, and strong, but it required so much fuel. The ninpo assist was designed to supply Mikey with the fuel, so his ninpo use wouldn’t be so taxing on his body.

He could tie his hair back now, and preferred floating down the stairs rather than walking. Donnie had run tests, and his body had already aged enough that it was older than Raph would’ve been.

“So, Dee, by saying you’ve been working on it, do you mean looking at the schematics once or twice a day?” Mikey’s voice came from above.

Donnie looked up. “Michael, what have I told you about hanging out on the ceiling of my lab?”

“‘There’s cables up there, Mikey, cables that carry the future of the resistance’,” Mikey said with a sigh.

“And?”

“That it’s ‘dangerous and an unnecessary use of my ninpo’.”

“Yep.”

“Big Mama said it was fun, and a good way to practice! We used to have upside down tea parties! How do you think I’m so good at floating?”

“Mikey, I’m working on the ninpo assist. It’s just so difficult to figure out an energy source that doesn’t require life force! Barry’s notes barely even help, he only has notes on general mystic strain, not ninpo!” Donnie ranted.

“Okay, okay, Dee, chill.” Mikey floated down from the ceiling.

“I wanted to work on it before the mission today.”

“I don’t need it right now. Work on the protocol updates. Those are more important to others.”

“You’re important to the others too! You’re overusing your powers. And I don’t want to lose another brother during a ninpo flare.”

They both glanced at the floor. Raph’s ninpo may be gone, but the last flare of strength, the strongest of any ninpo flare, would never truly be gone. Donnie wasn’t sure if their brothers felt the same, but he felt that ninpo flare over and over and over again, all the time. It was like a video on loop. It was like a final heartbeat.

“I’m going to work on the protocols now,” Donnie said quietly.

~*~*~

The flight to the work camp was quiet. Donnie tapped away at his gauntlet as Mikey meditated and Leo helped command the ship and go over the mission with the other fighters again. They were at the camp in just under two hours.

“The camouflage is still holding up?” Donnie asked the pilot.

“If it wasn’t, we’d be plummeting by now,” they responded bluntly.

They flew slowly closer to the camp, keeping a safe height and a constant lookout.

“Mikey, Red force one. We’re going down, Cassandra close behind us. Stay stealthy. In and out, no disturbances unless necessary,” Leo said, signing for the benefit of those who needed it.

The floor of the ship opened partially, allowing the Resistancemembers to quietly slip out on their stealth jetpacks. They were Genius Built, as was everything else in the resistance. Including half the base.

Leo didn’t use a jetpack. Donnie hadn’t bothered designing one fit for shells after Leo and Mikey decided that Mikey could simply carry Leo down. Only now was the softshell considering that he may have to make a shellfit jetpack, with Mikey’s ninpo overuse.

Donnie was almost glad he was just there for tech support. One one hand, they felt really stupid just sitting in the shop with the pilot as the others and the crew of the Cassandra risked their lives on the ground. On the other hand, he hadn’t fought in a while. He didn’t want to be a hindrance in battle.

They checked their pockets again for all their supplies, running through their list.

First aid kit? Check. There was one on the ship, of course, but it didn’t hurt to have a backup.

Emergency rations? Check. Some protein bars and a packet of instant coffee.

Water bottle? Check. It was small, but necessary in the dusty wasteland that now made up the majority of land masses.

Pocket repair kit? Che- Donnie noticed something from the ship’s window.

A Kraang hound was pacing in an alleyway. Kraang hounds were never this far into the residential area of the camp.

“Fuck.” Donnie muttered under his breath. He spoke into his gauntlet. “Blue, this is Purple Rain, come in Blue. Over.”

Leo’s voice crackled to life in Donatello’s headphones. “Purple Rain, this is Blue. What’s up? Over.”

“Hound spotted in an alley. This complicates things, it’s only one building over from where you and Red one are. Over.”

“A hound? This far into the housing? Are you positive, over.”

“Yes. I’ve checked, and it is a confirmed hound. Class three. Over.”

“Class three? Shit. Over.”

Donnie zoomed in, using his goggles to see the hound better. Three more hounds walked over and joined the first.

“Fuck.”

“What?”

“There’s more.”

“What?”

“Four hounds, one building over. They’re not moving. I spot two class threes, a class two, and. Fuck.”

“Purple Rain, Blue, this is Orange Sky. What’s up? Over.” Mikey asked, joining their comm channel.

“There’s a class four,” Donnie said.

“Fuck,” Leo and Mikey said at the same time.

Donnie began playing out potential plans in their head. “We can’t move the ship, the hounds will notice at this range. Do you think you two and Red one could book it with the rescues?”

“No, we’d lose a good chunk of the rescues. You know how fast class threes are, Dee, and with a class four that’s a suicide run,” Leo said.

“We have to fight them off,” Mikey said simply.

“Class threes?” Donnie scoffed. “And a class four, as the cherry on this death cake. Not to mention there’s still that class two. Combined with the other three it could pose a higher threat than normal.”

“We’re wasting time,” Mikey stated calmly. “Every second we talk we’re wasting time. Hounds are unpredictable. We can’t go in with a plan. Remember years ago? We be we. Without a plan.”

“Mikey’s right,” Leo conceded. “The hounds will demolish the plan, and us. I think we need to go out there ready for a fight, not a sprint.”

Donnie sighed. “How many of the rescues can fight?”

“Almost all,” Leo responded. “There’s four semi-capable children and one toddler.”

“Find those kids one or two caretakers and protect them. The rest need to fight.” Donnie said.

“Are we going to go, or are we going to wait for the hounds to sniff us out?” Mikey cut in with the same calm voice. It was beginning to get unnerving.

“Mikey, are you okay?” Leo asked, quieter, since it wasn’t directed towards the radio. This was a face to face conversation. Donnie switched their channel to Mikey’s cloak pin to listen closer.

“I’m fine,” Mikey replied.

“You’ve been meditating this whole time, and you’ve been really tired today.” Leo sounded worried. But nowadays, he always sounded worried when talking to Mikey.

“I’m. Fine. Let’s go.”

Donnie switched back to the normal comms channel. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

~*~*~

As soon as the building’s door opened, the camp exploded.

Not literally, but there were humans and yokai running everywhere and Kraang hounds were barking and there was so. Much. Yelling.

“Donnie! We need more help!” Leo yelled through the comms.

Donnie turned on his noise cancellation on his headphones and took a leap of faith out of the ship. He was glad he was using the coat-safe jetpack, he still had his lab coat on.

Even if he wasn’t secure in his fighting skills, they still had the safest ninpo of their family, and their family needed help.

He dove into the battle. He flipped his goggles down ten feet from the ground, it was dusty as shell in every direction. The Kraang-scorched earth was as good as poison, and Donnie was glad that his face mask was specialized against it.

Glowing chains materialized out of the dust, snatching one of the Kraang hounds out of the air. The class two. It would’ve hit Donnie. The chains threw the hound to the ground and it ran away into the dust cloud.

“Donnie! What are you doing down here?” Mikey yelled at them, dissipating the chains as he followed them into Donnie’s field of vision.

“Leo said you needed help!” They yelled back.

“Yeah, but we need your help if there’s a malfunction! Go back to the ship, we can handle it!”

“No!” Another hound bounded out of the dust cloud. One of the class threes. Donnie quickly formed a ninpo gun and shot it. The Kraang goop reformed around the hole within seconds, but it left to find less volatile prey. “I’m down here, I’m staying down here.”

“Okay then. Don’t let any hounds get close to me.” Mikey drew a perfect circle in the ground with his foot, kicking up even more dust. He floated in the center, a good three feet above the ground. Donnie took their position at the outside of the circle, activating their battle shell cameras to get a 360 degree view.

He shot another class three as soon as it came into view, and it scampered away like the other ones. And then- another class three? And a class two again, and a class one? There had been no class ones when Donnie had checked.

Shit, he thought. There’s more.

He kept his watch, almost staying too vigilant. Leo ran into their field of vision, and they almost shot him. The slider put his hands up in defense.

“Whoah, easy there, DonTron. I’m not a hound,” he quipped. “What’s Angelo doing?”

“I don’t know, some sort of ninpo thing. I’ll lecture him about it later. But there’s more hounds out here.”

“Fuck, really?”

“Yeah, there’s at least one more than we previously accounted for of both class two and three, and there’s a class one, but that one will be easy.” Another class three jumped at Leo from behind. Donnie shot it. “Amendment. Two more class threes.”

Leo sighed. “This is getting worse with every update.”

The ground shook, and some of the dust around the three turtles cleared. They saw a hill of some kind, one that hadn’t been there before. Actually, a mountain, no, wait- it was a leg. A really, really big leg. The class three Donnie had just shot limped towards the leg and- Donnie was glad for their noise cancelling headphones. Judging from Leo’s wince, it made a terrible noise. The class three got absorbed into the leg. The leg lifted and set down again, clearing more dust.

Donnie and Leo could see better now, but they both weren’t sure they wanted to. There was a huge Kraang hound. Judging from the size, it was a bunch of combined hounds, or they would’ve seen it from miles away.

But it was made of combined hounds. That was new. And really bad.

“What class is that?” Leo asked with a nervous chuckle.

“I don’t know,” Donnie said quietly.

“Mikey, get up. We have to move, now.” Leo shook Mikey as Donnie scanned the huge hound with their goggles.

“Well, I charged enough, anyways.” Mikey sighed. “What’s happening?”

“There’s a huge hound. It’s made of combined other hounds,” Donnie explained. “I’m calling it a gargantuan.”

“They can combine now?” Mikey shouted.

“Yeah, it’s new to us, too,” Leo said. “Now move, we have to find Red force one and the rescues.”

Donnie scanned through the dust with infrared. “They’re near the hind legs!”

“Alright, let’s go.” Leo started running in that direction, disappearing into the dust before Donnie could caution him.

“We’re heading over there, right?” Mikey asked.

“You are,” Donnie said. “I’m getting samples from that thing.”

“Donnie, that's too dangerous. The Resistance needs you, and needs your skills.”

“And I could help the Resistance a lot more if I could study this thing.” Before Mikey could say anything else, he started his battle shell jetpack and flew towards the hound’s neck.

It was like a mountain. There must’ve been hundreds of hounds to form one this big. Mikey was a tiny orange-green speck on the ground by the time Donnie was past the leg. Donnie felt Mikey’s ninpo flare as he tried to float, but he must’ve been too tired.

He flew close enough to the dog to see it up close, but far enough that it couldn’t get at him. Because although it was one giant creature, there were small Kraang tentacles all over it, like fur. They reached out to Donnie, narrowly missing them as they kept flying.

At the neck, he used his battle shell’s equipment to take samples of the hound. Donnie was a flea on the hound, and it tried to bat him away. The softshell, connected to the hound via the battle shell, shook with the hound as it make contact with the ground again. They felt like jello. He retracted the battle shell’s sampling equipment and began flying back down towards the people on the ground.

He didn’t get very far before a tentacle grabbed his ankle. Donnie tried to cut it off with saws and knives from his battle shell, but to no avail. It was like the hydra- two new tentacles latched on for every one he cut.

Donnie opened the comms channel right as Leo was in the middle of yelling at him.

“-AT’S GOING ON UP THERE? DONNIE COME IN, WHAT IS HAPPENING?”

“Why, dear brother,” Donatello started calmly. “I was getting samples. And now it appears I may be trapped.” He began thinking up a plan. It wasn’t a new one, he’d had the idea since the first battle after the Opening of the Gate.

“TRAPPED?!? MIKEY AND I ARE HEADED UP RIGHT NOW,” Leo yelled.

“No need, Nardo. I’ll take it out single-handedly.”

“DUDE, YOU CAN’T FUCKING KILL THAT THING YOURSELF, ARE YOU KIDDING?”

“Leo.” Donnie understood why Mikey was always so calm now. A looming end for you, specifically, was surprisingly okay. “I can.” He had accepted the possibility of this plan going into effect a while back, so he’d even had a while to figure it out. “And there’ll be fireworks.”

“DONNIE THAT THING HAS A DEATH GRIP ON YOU, JUST GET DOWN HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN, GET AWAY FROM THAT THING!”

He’d hoped it would be a huge hurrah, something grand like ending the Kraang for good, but saving his remaining brothers and these people was good enough. Maybe they’d end the Kraang for good.

Donnie took a deep breath and flew straight at the gargantuan. He plunged into the squishy membrane, tentacles surrounding him and growing around him as he flew on. The tentacles already had one leg, they grabbed another.

He flew on.

He saw a column up ahead- from previous studies of the hounds, it was probably their strange skeletal structure. He had gone far enough.

The tentacles finally grabbed his arms, but that was okay. He was where he needed to be. He turned on his gauntlet again, telling it to close comms when Leo started yelling at him again.

“Activate protocol eighteen.”

~*~*~

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JUST COME BACK, DONNIE,” Leo yelled into the comms.

As the hound turned around to face the group of people and yokai, Leo and Mikey heard a muffled boom.

The gargantuan made a strange noise, somewhere between a hiccup and a cough, but monstrous. Its neck rippled, the tentacles bristling.

“COME BACK!”

The gargantuan vomited on them. There wasn’t much, Kraangs and hounds digested all organic matter. What came out was four things.

Donnie’s goggles. His lab coat with his supplies in it. His gauntlet, which showed Leo’s comm, muted. And his battle shell.

Right at Leo and Mikey’s feet. The gargantuan almost looked smug.

Leo covered his mouth with one hand. He turned away from the items and threw up.

Mikey stared at Donnie’s belongings. Everything was still there. The pins on the lab coat, the stickers on the goggles and battle shell. Mikey had been charging his ninpo, but it felt weak now. There hadn’t even been a final ninpo flare from Donnie, and that was almost worse than if there had been. He couldn’t feel any other ninpo, just Leo’s, faintly. The other two were gone. Donnie was really gone. Just like that.

The gargantuan moved to step on the people, and the items.

Mikey was filled with levels of rage that he had only ever felt when Splinter and Raph died. He felt weak, but his ninpo erupted like a geyser.

A shockwave of orange light blasted out from him. He wasn’t even trying, just standing there, furious with everything. The light didn’t hurt the people or yokai, they were just fine, Leo was fine, but the gargantuan was incinerated.

It was unfair that Donnie had died trying to do (he was really gone.) what Mikey could do without even trying.

It was unfair that Donnie was gone.

It was unfair that they even had to fight this war.

When the light faded and the dust cleared, Donnie’s belongings were scorched. Mikey tried to clean them with his cloak, and partially succeeded. He cried on the ship, on the way home. Leo cried. The rescues celebrated, Red force one was solemn.

Everything had been fine, and now it wasn’t.

Back at the bunker, Mikey immediately walked to his room. He passed Donnie’s lab, but didn’t walk in. He left Leo, and he felt bad, but he needed to be alone.

~*~*~

The PA system in the bunker crackled to life. “This is General Leonardo Hamato. I regret to inform the Resistance that my twin brother, Donatello Hamato, has fallen in battle. A memorial will be held tonight. Thank you.” Leo’s voice broke on the thank you.

~*~*~

Leo stood in the doorway to Donnie’s lab. He was sad. He was pissed.

He felt really, really guilty.

Donnie had been in the battle because Leo had requested help. He probably would’ve been mostly okay if Leo hadn’t asked him to join the fight.

They couldn’t even fight, really. They used to be amazing, they could beat Leo and Mikey in sparring, but they spent too much time in the lab, never training. It was all tech and ninpo at the end.

And at the very end, not even ninpo. Not that Leo could’ve felt it anyways. His ninpo never fully returned from the initial Kraang shriek, and it was completely locked away when Raph died.

He stopped his fall down memory hill. He was standing in the doorway to Donnie’s lab. Might as well check if the guy who made Genius Built tech had a Last Will and Testament. Or a plan. Or something.

As soon as he crossed the threshold, he heard a voice that made him want to punch something.

“Leonardo. Since you are here and I have not yet returned to base, I will assume I am dead.”

“Yeah you are, you dipshit.” Leo felt the tears coming back. Sad, still, but also angry.

He looked around. Everything was as it had been left. Barry’s journals open next to a prototype ninpo assist, an organized clutter on the floors and tables.

“The computer on my desk is still on my old password. You know the one,” the voice (it wasn’t Donnie’s voice. Donnie was gone.) said. “There is a folder called Post-Mortem Information. Look at the files in order, please. Goodbye.”

“Fuck you,” Leo yelled into the lab, but went to the computer anyways.

He typed in the password. BootyyyShaker9000, Donnie’s password since he was thirteen. He opened the file as directed, and clicked on the first file.

~*~*~

Hello, friends and family reading this.

I am dead. Obviously. Besides this letter, this folder contains instructions on how to operate certain things around the bunker, along with tutorials on how to update protocols and machinery.

This folder also has blueprints for everything I have ever built. Yes, that includes the crayon drawings from when I was six.

Tell CJ that I was working on the hockey stick upgrades, but I wasn’t able to finish. The parts are in a labeled box, with instructions. Don’t wait until his birthday. Give it to him now.

Before I wrote this, I constructed a robot for Raph. It was intended to contain his Hamato essence, basically, bring him back. You’ll hate me for this, but I did not make one for myself. Try to get Raph. He may still be where we left him.

Was it a cool death at least? Did I help people? Were there fireworks?

I know you are grieving, but as of writing this, Mikey was trying to figure out how to contact Hamato clan ghosts. Give me a call sometime, will you?

Water my plants, please. Leo, drink your coffee ration for once. In my honor. Mikey, quit being such a dumbass and stop over using your ninpo. For me. Both of you, keep helping the Resistance. And remember me, please.

-Donatello Hamato

Genius Built

BootyyyShaker9000

#rottmnt #tw death #cw death #tw sibling death #cw sibling death #tw vomit #cw vomit #tw body horror #cw body horror #<- sorta

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vynegar · 1 year ago

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anniv3 card liveblog dump. updated as i go. spoiler warning!

luke

i’m gone TT (it’s actually all still pretty fluffy and sweet. barely a hint of angst)

YEAHHHHHHHHHH HIGH SCHOOL!ROSA MY BELOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ah i forgot to show you guys her new outfit in this card, she’s v cute, i’ll screenshot after this flashback scene)

agh. this expression. always so cute TT rosa it is an honor to be able to play as you 🫡

a;dlfjadkl okay i know the card wasn’t hitting (yet) but like. now with the new bgm i’m really feeling something :’) perhaps we will be budgeting for anniv3 after all

HADFJA;LDKJF;LAKJERLAJLEKRJAKLE

omg poetry reference. truly the bread and butter of this blog’s analyses

ok the interactions: i mean, they’re nice. the animation is very fluid and there’s definitely more motion and more variety than in normal card art animations (though those have been advancing over the years too!) lol i think the knowledge of how purely-fanservicey this is kinda limits how excited i get over this part

overall: i mean it’s a good card but doesn’t make me lose my mind over it like luke’s previous anniversary cards; like this is closer to the caliber of a birthday or top-up card. nothing necessarily bad about it but... i think the most emotion i felt was because the combination of a new bgm (or at least new to me) + high school era lukerosa which i have a soft spot for.

anyway. off to watch vyn’s, which is my last hope for this anniversary really delivering on the card stories :’) also based on my quick glance at his interaction video they might have fixed the piano keys...?? BIG if true

ahhh almost forgot the keepsake!!

BIGHEAD ROSA!!! ahh i was wanting to draw her but mhy beat me to it lol

vyn

omg already >100 comments on his video. yes. my brethren. we are all broke and watching the video instead of getting the card 🤝

55 other people are watching the video literally right now. hell yeah

omg. they really did fix the piano keys XDDDDDDD

me trying to zoom in on the sheet music. LET ME PLAY IT

wow. reference to a very famous and iconic vyn card moment in this story. hint it has to do with water

what the fuck dude extreme weather even showing up in the tot cards TTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

whoaaaa okay worldbuilding: svart has its own language i guess? there are labels written in it, and the narrative calls it svart language and not like english or french or whatever

i think a fun thing about backgrounds being reused is that everyone probably has different scenes that they most strongly associate each background with. for me, this is the winery from food for thought. vyn infodumping about how to cultivate wine grapes. mixing wine with sprite. that’s MY reference to a previous vyn card for this story

VYN HAD HIS MOTHER SEND OVER THE PIANO FROM HIS CONFESSION AS THEIR MOVING IN GIFT????????????

VYN WROTE THE SHEET MUSIC!! NEON MELODY CALLBACK????? (HUGE WIN FOR ME PERSONALLY)

ok only halfway through the card rn but i Need to sleep. back tmrw to finish this and to watch marius’s (even though i’ve barely seen any of this recent cards... whoops)

WAAAAAAAAIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKS SO HARD ACTUALLY??? THIS REFERENCE THEY’RE DOING?? WITHOUT STATING IT OPENLY AAAAAAHHHH THIS IS SO POWERFUL TTT

ok here’s vyn’s illustration. wet rain-soaked little meow meow

rosa forgetting about the instant noodles she’s cooking. just like me fr

hmmmm kinda criminal that they’re supposed to be playing piano here and the bgm is one of the ones that DOESN’T have piano

ok yeah they definitely fixed the piano keys. just compare this to the original anniversary PV you’ll see. NOW FIX THE SSS CARD SYSTEM NEXT

one comment saying the sheet music is liebestraum which i was kinda also suspecting since structure is very similar but some of the measures don’t match up exactly (at least not against the copy of sheet music i have). however, the section behind vyn’s right shoulder is pretty much measure 25 and the part behind his left shoulder is close to m35-36. (which... is not a song that vyn wrote xDDD we’ll say he’s alluding to or remixing it for their purposes)

you’re telling me his hand accidentally hits the piano and there’s a “pleasing sound”??? he’s falling backwards onto it and playing chords???

ok back to checking the sheet music (my priorities are exactly where they should be)

i think the two sheets here (behind his left shoulder and under his left hand) are the same page (which we said before was m35-36). it’s the only place in the song where the key signature change looks like that (in the upper right; it’s definitely the sharps pattern and not the flats) and the following sections match as well. so i think that pages goes like this:

line 1: m34-36 (and key change where five sharps are made natural)

line 2: m37-m39

line 3: m40-m42

line 4: m43-44 (not sure if that last note should have a slur tho)

it was kind of throwing me off earlier since some of the chords that would be octaves didn’t seem far apart enough on the card art, but maybe it’s a combo of perspective + shrunk down + artistic license

ok i can’t rly find a keepsake investigation video yet and i’m still just watching the interaction in the bg but this card is fine. i know i got really excited at one point but it’s because i’m especially interested in the plant motif (still have not fully stated what the exact reference was bc i’m sure i’ll point it out later). so far the cards feel like nice top-up cards (since those always make sure to have spicy/fanservice-y parts) that are trying hard to reference previous events. i checked the comments of BOTH vyn and marius videos and there was someone (different people!) asking which of the cards had a better story (because what they’d seen so far was disappointing).... does NOT bode well ufnfortunately

edit: i will say that these even feel a bit worse than top-up cards since those usually try to grapple with substantive potential issues in the relationship, while these anniv3 cards don’t. also still haven’t watched marius’s yet but yamashina jin just translated artem’s card and even she’s disappointed by the writing quality so like... widespread disappointment i suppose 😔

marius

ok yeah this is a very good continuation/evolution of the idea from tideborne romance. unfortunately i was also meh on that card

omg... marius is gonna make himself the present isn’t he....

OKAY THERE’S AT LEAST ONE (1) THING I LOVE ABOUT THIS CARD 🥺🥺 (doesn’t even get a mention in the story it’s just a visual easter egg in the bg)

artem

halfway through pt 2 and i’ve figured out how to describe how i’m feeling. you remember marius’s 1st birthday card when they were just kinda doing random things to fill up time in the plot? it’s kinda like that. (though it doesn’t have the weird ooc-ness of that card and it’s not as long)

the bear from his bday event and the eyemask from wandering heart!! actually maybe my favorite part of these cards will just be the little easter eggs in them

ok so after the “reveal” of what artem is Actually up to, i do like the card more. i really like what his true plan, i just kind of dislike how MC is kept in the dark again. it’s not even bad this time around, like it’s very much a cute surprise between lovers, but i think that stuff in his engagement left a bad taste in my mouth about it and i didn’t want to see it again lol. also, i feel like it would have been cute if mc was the one to propose moving in together (just a random thought since for all the these, it was p much the LI bringing it up)

ok this is one of the better illustrations for anniv3 cards tho.

alright. finished the card. umm nothing more to say xDDD

on the keepsakes tho; these genuinely fuck so hard. also artem's a protective charm from cloudbreak temple and red beans and he recites The Lines again.... literally why can’t we have this kind of energy in the actual card story TTTTT

#tot liveblog

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nerice · 2 years ago

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after i finish typing off all the txt from todays thesis reads i get to do a fun song tag meme!!! yippee!!!

#DRAGS MY BODY UP FROM THE FLOOR one more task my fucking friend #elia txts #on the absolute upside todays reads were all vry relevant i think i might be able to fix up my thesis to 90% sensible tmrw #FINGERS CROSSED

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secretivemessenger · 3 years ago

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Its already 4am so ima stay up till 7am, make some coffee and just stay up so I might br able to sleep tmrw night

Trust me it never works

When i try to fix my sleep schedule I always say I’ll wait till night but I always end up asleep by 2-3 pm I’d be surprised if I managed to stay awake till 5-6 pm

But you do you i guess

#&adrian #i think

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sortagaysortahigh · 3 years ago

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Sometimes I think that everyone in my life thinks I’m broken and I’m the only one who finally thinks I’m whole-all of my physical, mental, and emotional scars might be there and sure some are more obvious than others but I’m whole. Like they want me to be fixed but truthfully you can never fix something that was broken-it’ll never be back in it’s original state but thats okay. Sometimes things come out even more beautiful in the end-kinda like Kintsugi art.

Not to get emo on the dash or whatever but I think when I genuinely learned that I wasnt my bpd or that any of my mental illnesses defined me and confined me to a box and a space I think that I really started to love myself and to want to keep experiencing things and seeing myself grow y’know? Bc you never see how much youve grown until you look back on things. Like 2015 me? God I was so fucked up in 2015 and I was teetering on the edge so fucking often because I thought I was my mental illness, I’d spent my entire life conditioned to believe that I was every negative thing about myself andeven after going through some rough shit and making it out I never really grew past that. It took me years to get to where I am now with my mental health but shit man it was all worth it. All that pain and hurt and genuine confusion over who the fuck I even was outside of all of the negatives, shit man the amount of therapy I had to go through? The treatments? The restless nights? The hospital visits? The psych ward and those rucking slanted door knobs and rubber lined socks? God damn life is fucking crazy and has a way of fucking you so hard that you have no choice but to take it. This isnt even one of my usual motivational ass posts its just genuinely me. Ive been in so much pain in my life that I wouldnt wish on anyone-not even my worst enemy but god damn I’m thankful for all of it. As fucked up as it is to say I’m thankful for my trauma-I am. My trauma made me who I am today, my trauma motivates me to take care of myself and to be there for others when they cant be there for themselves. My trauma reminds me of who I was in the past, and it shows me who I am now-it reminds me how far I’ve come and even if I didn’t deserve any of this shit, I still know how to deal with it and I know how to roll with the punches because I’m not my trauma. I’m not my menta illness, I’m not my pain. Those are all parts of me but there’s so much more and everyday I get to share that with the people I love and with strangers I’ll probably never meet again. I like to tell myself that I’m my own light in the dark, and if I can be my own light then I can help other people find theirs.

Shit isnt always easy man, sometimes I have to sit outside in the thunderstorms with my knees to my chest while I stare up at the sky because its the only thing that I can really feel in the moment-sometimes I’m so fucking numb that I cant fucking move. Sometimes I’m back to teetering on that edge and I have to just stare at it because wtf ima do? Jump? Fuck that. If i jump then what happens? If I jump I wont be able to see the sunrise tmrw or see my cat or hear the sounds of the birds chirping that always remind me how much i dont like birds. I won’t be able to listen to the same song fifty times tomorrow and I won’t be able to tell my friends about my newest crystal because I wont be there to open the package when it comes. So as shitty as it is-I stick it through because if I’ve come this far theres no point in quitting now. We all kick the bucket eventually but I still havent gotten to see olivia rodrigo in concert or found five four leaf clovers in a row or conquered my never ending fear of swimming so guess what bitches? I’m not kickin the bucket until I’m old and bitter enough to be able to sit in my front lawn and cuss out neighborhood kids for walking on the grass that Ive put little to no effort into but love regardless bc its my grass.

Idk man, find something-anything to look forward to. Or do what I do, look forward to getting to know yourself more and more every day, think about how Itll feel in five, ten, fifteen years when youre looking back on your life and can smile at how far youve come. Hold onto that sliver of light that feels so fucking far sometimes because shit man if 15 year old me did it? Then i know you can too. God that bitch was so fucked and she hated the world and felt like the world hated her too, she felt like the universe put her here as a punishment and that she’d never be enough. Sometimes i look in the mirror and I see her and all I can do is smile because look at how far we’ve come

#long post #tw bpd #tw suicide #tw depression

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naturesgender · 4 years ago

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hey folks this is gonna be a really really long post, i just kinda gotta write some stuff down, idk if anyone is gonna see this but if you do i’m gonna try to do the thing where there’s a cut and you can press “keep reading” if you wanna see the whole thing but idk how to do that so if it doesn’t work i’m sorry in advance!

*i think i figured it out, it should work! just put it there so u wouldn’t have to scroll past the whole thing if u didn’t wanna read it cause it’s rlly fuckin long lmao i love u all <3*

ok so

i am not Clinically Depressed i don’t live w/depression i don’t struggle with it on a daily basis i am generally a pretty Not-Depressed person

however

i am doing my best to get better at not ignoring the times when i *do* feel depressed because “i don’t actually suffer from clinical depression so this isn’t even that bad!” or “a lot of my friends feel like this on a daily fuckin basis and that’s really awful for them so i should always prioritize their feelings over mine all the time” or “these are stupid reasons to be depressed anyway” or “even though it’s really really hard for me to get out of bed right now there are people who sometimes Cannot get out of bed and i am not one of those people so it’s all good lol” or any of that shit cause (news flash) i am not the greatest at taking good emotional care of myself, and although i have gotten better at letting others take care of me, i still have lots of problems feeling comfy doing that if they’re not also letting me take care of them (which is a whole other issue that i’m not gonna get into rn)

so with all that in mind i just kind of wanted to get it down in writing and like Acknowledge the fact that during this past semester, mostly during the past month, i have been the most generally depressed i’ve been for a long time, maybe ever. i was definitely depressed in freshman year and was having some pretty Not Spicy Thoughts (nothing *super* serious dw) and that definitely wasn’t fun, but that was like a different brand of depression. back then the main reason i was depressed was bc i had no friends (or at least none i felt i could really be close with) and i was struggling to make the transition to high school and i didn’t really feel like either of my two-friends-who-i-didn’t-feel-i-could-be-close-with cared about me at all. this is a different brand. i’m very lucky to have a lovely group of very close friends who i can trust and who i mostly feel i can rely on (although when it comes to relying on my friends, the problem isn’t that i don’t feel that my friends are reliable bc i know that they are and i know they love me!! i trust that they would help me!! the issue is that i don’t often feel like it would be fair to ask them for help, but like i said that’s a whole other issue just wanted to clarify that the issue is not with my friends it’s 100% with me and i know that). i have a pretty good social life as of rn, and even though we’re all dealing with this shitty shitty pandemic, my friends and i have found ways to stay connected and we videochat and play games and i love them so much and i’m so grateful for them and they make my life infinitely better. so the social aspect is not the issue here in the same way it was in freshman year. the issue here is that i seem to have lost most of my driving force.

here is a list to help me acknowledge things

i turn 18 in exactly a month (january 7th) and although i know that i don’t just *poof* into an adult, i am still terrified of losing my childhood (much of which i have already lost due to very poor memory and my anxiety quashing the ability to be weird the way that i am/the way that i want to) and i don’t have myself together in the way that i wanted to by the time i reached 18/senior year/graduation/Adulting Time

online class is hell, the work has only gotten harder, i sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for over 10 hours a day and don’t move and get lots of headaches and feel very understimulated, there’s always Something i haven’t done, and i can’t find it in me to give any shits about school in any way shape or form

except for maybe practicum i care about practicum i always care about practicum

i have basically no money and my gap year is coming up and i can’t get a job right now and i might not be able to get a job this school year at all and i am terrified of not being able to make enough money to give my friends the safe space they need, i need to support them, they need people who will Love Them, i want to give them a home i want to be a home for them and i am fucking terrified of not being able to make it happen for them

and for myself but also not really

like i definitely want this and i’m super excited to live with them but i’m also scared to leave home but i also know that they Need to leave home and i want to give them what they need!! and we’re gonna have such a good time!! and we’re gonna be safe and we’re gonna be whole and we’re gonna be loved and we’re gonna be a family!! this needs to happen i need to give them this we need to make this

i don’t wanna make it seem like i don’t wanna live with them, i do, i really do, i love them to pieces, i love them with all i am, i can’t express how much i love them, and i’m really really really excited, but at this point i’m mostly scared

having been diagnosed with (mild) adhd does not make it any easier to focus or sleep and i cannot fucking focus and i haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in weeks

there’s so much shit that i have to do hanging over my head, mostly it’s scheduling i’m trying to schedule my life basically (which sounds crazy but it’s less intense than it sounds i’m just trying to give myself more structure) but that’s a really overwhelming task and every time i try to make a schedule i can never stick to it so i have a lot less faith in it this time around

my sexuality and gender and thoughts about surgery/transitions/etc remain unclear and the only thing i’m sure of is that i’m demiromantic, but that doesn’t do shit about unrequited romance, which hurts like a motherfucker, and i don’t even truly know if it *is* romance that i’m wanting and there’s nothing real that i can do about that either

still feeling like shit about my body in a lot of different ways, not gonna get too far into it rn

the pandemic + online school + drudgery of classes + general unmotivated feelings + no changes in routine + a lack of structure + same environment 24/7 makes every day feel the fucking same and i’m sick of it

i’m stressed about vassar results coming out tmrw and i still have to write like at most 8 different college supplements before december 23rd (2 weeks)

i haven’t really sat down and done anything i’ve Enjoyed for a while and not had a Responsibility hanging over my head

basically i’m tired and anxious and overworked and lonely and lacking a driving force and really really fucking angry at everything and all that combines to make me pretty damn miserable! and as a result of all of this, my self-care is slipping and then my room doesn’t get clean and my bed doesn’t get made and i don’t get dressed or make myself proper meals or brush my teeth or sleep and that just makes it worse

and i want to talk about how i do definitely still have plenty of happy moments and good things and there is still a good amount of sunshine, i’m not *completely* miserable, but the minute i start thinking about that, i start to think that whatever sunshine there may be automatically cancels out any gray that there is, which is not a good place to be because i don’t want to fake being happy (i’ve never been good at that anyway which is probably a good thing) so i’m trying to acknowledge that hey! things are pretty shitty!! but please keep in mind that even as i type this, most of me is saying things along the lines of “don’t share this don’t post it don’t complain you don’t have it bad you’re fine you need to take care of your friends you can’t feel these things just snap out of it and you’ll be fine” so this is a pretty big step and a lot for me to just Put Out Into The World

i spent a while trying to think of other things that i could add here but i don’t really think there’s much else to say. i’m not sure where to go from here. i don’t have any magic solutions so i am trying really really hard not to let myself slip into complete giving-up-i-will-not-get-better space and it helps to just Know what’s in my brain. i don’t know if i have the mental energy to try to “fix” any of these issues right now, i just think i needed to start by writing them down. now i have them and i guess i’ll see where i can go from here. sorry this post was super long for anyone who may have chosen to take a look

that’s all <3

#tw mental health issues??#i honestly don't know this is just me dumping my negative feelings into a super long post #so if u are not in the right head space to read that (totally valid) then plz avoid/ignore!#feel free to ignore even if u are in the right headspace honestly this is mostly for me #if u do happen to read it i do ask that u let me know that u have read it if that's ok? i'm sorry hhhh i just really don't like not knowing

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