#i mean.. if true i am probably just a temporary interest as she has a boyfriend

[katyspersonal]

Bro... I have this customer I learned to recognize despite her not appearing all very often, because she has really curly hair and recognizable face (very cute one). And like, I swear, whenever she spots me amongst the staff she gives this most genuine, most bright smile and her eyes actually shine with joy o_o' There is just something about the way her face changes when she happens to get her packages from me (I work at the post office)

And in retrospective I was not very attentive about the fact, but today she also asked me what my name was and pointed out something about feeling happy whenever it's my shift or something...? I kind of wonder whether she actually likes me, I swear this is the most puppy eyes look I've ever seen in my life ._." I mean if true that'd be awkward because I sworn off having relationship for a good while (for both poor mental health and spiritual reasons), but this feels flattering. Like, I can't even really articulate how much of an ego boost this feels like ._.

[bebx]

Hey there! I hope you are doing well. I don't mean to bother you again as you are gonna figure out I am the same person who asked about your unexpectedly but hopefully temporary drifting away from ST sub fandom hehe. So I decided to do my homework and see if you probably left some clues or hints regarding your hiatus from it before but unfortunately I couldn't find any unless my dumb@$$ missed it despite thorough research as if I was looking for easter eggs in a deeply layered show like ST. My search report :- It had been going well on your side even when there was a drought in HC contents but slowly it lost the 'momentum' which I feel you played a key role in wonderfully building up yourself, ironically right at the moment of D-day which honestly feels like if reality had tv drama like loopholes lol.

So all I have now is what you last said to me that you are busy with stuffs and other things like hyperfixation on a character from Harrow series { although I haven't watched it yet but based on your enthusiasm which mostly resonates with my own interest, I have added it in my watchlist :) Cuz Bingo I can't tell you how happy I was when I found you with the same sentiments as mine after watching Damsel! } plus point is you did mention how he is certainly still in your heart and you are planning to make more posts and fanfic about him in future. So I decided to wait, months passed with more tempting Henry Creel info pouring while I still kept up with *patiently waiting for my favorite Tumblr user's ST fandom era to resurface as well as coexist with her new obsession of Harrow series*, so that one hyperfixation won't have to be sacrificed for another still worthy subject of hyperfixation :) Hence it has been quite an introspective and empathetic time but now I am like "okay at least lemme just ask her how she has been and what exactly is the status", to stifle my other apprehensive thoughts forming with the passing time as well as disappearing silver lining( as there is no sign of either Henry or JCB these days at all lol apart from Jamie Bower World Domination post) out of overthinking.

I always felt your contribution to this fandom has been immensely valuable and even though others may or may not have been enough reminding you that as I can see I am probably the only anonymous seeker regarding digging this matter up, I miss you and your blogs about it. I have mostly been a lurker kind so I never interactively participated in any discussion or thread but I have always inwardly appreciated people with a good taste of art. So even if anonymously, this is a great deal to me, sharing my wish embedded in vulnerability. *nervously chuckles* Idk if this is a stretch but given how what Jamie manually allows to be displayed on his tagged section had most of your posts, tells me that he must have subconsciously felt your absence lately too. The fact that this is true tho, makes it a reasonable theory.

So now after hopefully doing a great job at explaining the deep context behind my "ask away" here are the main deal of questions xD;-

How are you, once again? (I don't want to pressurize you into rejoining it earlier than you planned according to your life and schedules uk. Besides I don't wanna interrupt your balancing of multifandom fascination.)

Is there any particular reason behind this seemingly complete "switch off mode" which you can share? ( because my Spidey senses keep feeling it's more than what it is, could be false alarm tho) Could it be potentially because Stranger Things is so addictive, it is not possible to keep a track of its updates while continuing with hyper fixating on other fandoms?

If the aforementioned fear is unfounded, then here are my other theories and questions, have you stumbled upon the TFS spoilers of any kind?

If no, are you planning to watch it LIVE soon or later? (as the canon play is gonna stick around for a long time) is this why have you been avoiding discussions as they would involve major spoiling of the experience?

Or are you planning of watching it whenever it streams on Netflix as technically it just has to one day?

Have you been weakly following any ST S5 leaks? ( as we finally got a very *greatest leak of all time* kind of leak not even exactly 24 hours ago lol) [to tell you the truth- this is exactly what triggered me to get some clarifications from you, as despite knowing that I would open your page only to be greeted by Harrow, deep down I felt maybe you would say something about it because it directly involves JCB and it's quite making waves already.]

Did you check out the VR Game released this February?

Or are you taking a complete long break for a while because once S5 release date inches closer, there is no going back from its fever for another 2-3 years anyways? haha ( ngl this is my most optimistic theory I am clinging onto)

(optional question xD) Am I seriously the only one approaching you by bringing this old buried fascination or others have felt the same way too and they express their perplexity in your inbox instead?

(anyways I will be very grateful if you respond to my plethora of mystified emotions even though I think it would secretly answer to many other lurkers like me who found a sense of kindred spirit through you but are too busy abiding by their lurking policy)

hi, I’ve been looking at this for…. a while, because… oh my 😅 I understand that it’s been so long since my Stranger Things era, and I know some of my followers follow me for my Henry / ST content. I just didn’t know my silly ST posts actually have this much impact that they stay in people’s memories even after it’s been a long time. so this ask actually brings back so many memories. and I really appreciate that you’re still sticking around. really. I had to take a moment to just sit here and stare at this ask in my inbox and go “whoa” — but it’s a good kind of whoa. I am touched that you still remember, because gosh how long has it been since my ST days!

to answer your questions, I am fine and I am doing well. thank you. I didn’t mean to “abandon” my interest. and I AM still interested in the show. I still love Henry, even though I don’t really talk about him on here anymore. it’s funny because a part of me is kind of sad that I don’t talk about him on here anymore? to tell you the truth, anon, I don’t exactly know why? I mean… sure, my blog currently focuses on something else, but I never really stop loving Henry as a character. this sounds extremely cliche, but it’s the truth. I still love him and I still think about him and those time I spent writing fics about him.

I don’t know if there’s any particular reason behind this, according to you, seemingly complete "switch off mode" on my blog. but there’s no conspiracy theory or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about? I just kind of focus my attention on something else, for the moment, but again, I still do love Henry. just because I don’t talk about him here like I used to does not mean I love him any less. rest assured. he’s still in my heart.

I haven’t stumbled upon any real TFS spoilers, but that’s probably because I don’t follow many blogs that talk about it so it rarely reaches my dashboard anyway.

and I don’t live near the place where the play takes place, so unfortunately I don’t see myself traveling there to watch it live, as life has been a little busy for me here to take that kind of vacations. but I would have loved to. if the time were right. I do look forward to streaming it when or if it becomes available on Netflix though.

I haven’t been following ST leaks much, I can’t see “weekly” because I kind of just look at them if they reach my dashboard here or my twitter’s/X’s timeline. but I don’t actively go search for it nor do I avoid it for fear of any potential spoilers either. but I did just see the leaks you talked about, and I’m actually very excited. it actually reminded me of my fic “Salvation” — I’m not sure if you’ve read it, but yeah. gosh I am genuinely very excited.

though I haven’t checked out the VR Game. I mean… I don’t really play video games so that might explain why.

and no. I’m not “taking a long break” because I think there is no going back from its fever for another 2-3 years after season 5 is released. I don’t even know why I’m “taking a break” except that my mind has just been focusing on something else, currently.

also, yes, some people have asked, and I haven’t had the chance to answer them (I’ve been meaning to, though), so this might be the answer they were looking for as well? there’s no “real reason” behind my lack of activity when it comes to ST fandom, except that I’ve been focusing my attention on something else lately, but that doesn’t mean I love the show — or especially Henry — any less. I still am a fan of the show and of Henry. and I still love Jamie with all my heart, obviously. I still keep up with him and his music and I am so incredibly proud of him as an artist and a person.

I am super excited to see Henry again when season 5 drops. I don’t know when or if my hyperfixation will come back, so I wouldn’t wish to make any promises. but what I can say for sure is that, even though it’s not exactly a hyperfixation, I still love Henry just the same. I hope I will start making lots of posts and writing fics about him again one day.

last but not least, I will always love and support Jamie in everything he does. and he will forever be my source of happiness that keeps me going when things are difficult.

I also want to thank you for reaching out. it means so very much to me. if there is any further matter you wish to talk or discuss with me about, you are very welcome to drop by my inbox anytime.

(and yes, I still love talking about Stranger Things and Henry here. anybody is more than welcome to drop by my inbox to talk to me about Henry — who knows, it might re-spark that hyperfixation within me…)

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

These so called “friends” of MC’s suck. I swear I lose faith in more and more of them with every new chapter. At least we can see who our true friends are I guess since they still manage to be supportive even with any doubts they might have. Too bad there’s very few of them now. Some of them still support Merula but not MC and that stings ngl. How can they stand with her even after everything but can’t do the same for MC? Fuck them.

Whoa nellie, I got like a dozen different messages expressing similar sentiments to this one, including at least a few that specifically targeted Ismelda and/or Beatrice. And hey, you're not in the wrong for how you're feeling, though I'm not sure I agree.

The main issue here is that The Circle of Khanna is treated as a collective. That's been a problem in how our friends were written for quite some time now. What, every single one of them wants to withdraw at the beginning of Year 7? I don't buy that. Penny, sure. But Tonks? Ben? No way in hell. The group is treated as a singular entity which ignores a lot of the nuance and conflict that would arise from this. I suppose something similar happened with the D.A. in the books, and in general, writing large groups of people can be tricky, but still. This is the reason why The Circle (initially) turns on MC. Because they are the embodiment of honoring Rowan. How could they not? I am glad to see that it was only temporary, though.

At the end of the day, I don't think that it's so much that MC is Peregrine's child so much as it is that MC knew and kept it hidden from The Circle. In general, it's not handled brilliantly, because MC didn't know about Peregrine until just a few chapters ago, and I think they can be forgiven for taking some time to process how they feel about this - but then again, the various members of The Circle may also need time to process it, and let their brains catch up with what it might mean. In particular, Barnaby's reaction was probably frustrating for a lot of folks (though it was no surprise to me, at this point) that he had to work out if MC was bad just because their Dad was. Obviously, of all people, he should know better...but then again, does he truly comprehend his own family as being "bad?" Maybe he does and I'm just being stupid, but I don't know. Trying to figure it out is all.

Ben's reaction was the most upsetting to me, but it's not like it doesn't make sense. The Circle of Khanna began that night in the Forbidden Forest, and it began with him, Merula, and MC. Ben is likely feeling quite isolated right now because of these twists and turns. Merula is one of them, and MC might be as well. True, it's not their fault that their Dad runs R, but why didn't they say so? Can he be truly certain that MC is on his side? Because Merula wasn't. Ben hasn't said anything to this effect (yet) but he is the last founding member of The Circle who remains safe. The others are compromised, no two ways about it. MC now has a conflict of interest, and Merula sure as hell does too. How is Ben supposed to feel about that? How is anyone?

As for Beatrice and her line about how "interesting" things have gotten...yeah, that was bizarre. I can offer no interpretation of it that puts Bea in a good light, so I'll just refer to my classic escape route that I've used before and argue that flavor text isn't necessarily canon. It's not part of the main scene, so therefore I choose to ignore it. That might be a little silly, but it's the best I've got. I've talked about Ismelda in previous posts, but the short answer is that I feel like, given her extensive history with Merula...she's perfectly allowed to feel uncertain about this. If MC can feel uncertain about Peregrine, I think that's only fair.

Speaking of Merula...yeah, it is strange that The Circle is more divided about her than it is about MC. But, if it's any consolation, I think time heals all wounds. The Circle of Khanna was initially confused and horrified to learn about MC's lineage, but they came around and pretty much universally sided with them (except Ben) understanding that none of this was MC's fault. Which is a lot more support than Merula got. She only got 50% of the Circle to let her stay. Not to mention, there are pragmatic reasons to keep her around as well. There's no reason to assume that everyone who voted for Merula automatically forgives her, the way the gang seem to have forgiven MC.

It's just a lot to handle. These characters are young. They've lost so much, and grown up in an atmosphere of uncertainty, never knowing who they can trust. Betrayal has been a huge theme in this game. Ben was suspected from Year 2 to Year 5. Rakepick betrayed everyone in the Portrait Vault. Merula has been a spy since at least Year 6. The question of how shady Jacob may be has been central to the entire story. Not to mention that MC has always been a little ambiguous in their nature. They are and have always been a trickster. It's just how the game is written. For better or for worse, they have a lot in common with Jacob, (who went rogue) as well as Peregrine. (Enough said...) Like, MC has the same quality of talking people into doing things for them. We now know where they get that talent.

The Circle of Khanna learned the truth, and experienced a creeping doubt about Jacob's Sibling. But it didn't take long for (most of) them to shake it off and learn to trust MC again.

[syntethizinglove]

Announcing "Synthetizing Love"

I know I have more chances to actually finish a project if I tell people about, so I am officially announcing my very first game:

The sprites shown here won't be in the final game

I decided to create this game for the Yuri Game Jam 2023. I am an artist who loves drawing female characters, so I thought a yuri game would be a good start in creating visual novels. Not to mention that one of my original characters was the perfect fit for the genre, so I immediately made her the protagonist. It's also true, though, that this would be my first time getting into the yuri genre and I hope to be able to write a good story that will do this genre justice.

The game will be created using TyranoBuilder, since I'm no programmer, but I will write the story, design characters and UI and create sprites. For backgrounds and music, I will probably rely on free assets (I'm really bad at backgrounds but I may still try to create them if I have enough time).

Hannah, Chikara and Yvonne are my original characters, so they already have a set design and personality. (The drawings you see in the banner above, in fact, are from their reference sheets and won't be used in the game. I'm just using them as placeholders.) Nonetheless, I still want to create new outfits for this game. Any other character will need to be designed from scratch.

Work in progress. Trying to come up with new outfits.

HANNAH: main character; American. She's obessed with science and chemistry. Her greatest desire is becoming a renowed scientist.

CHIKARA: one of Hannah's best friends; Japanese. Always calm and collected. Her cold stare scares people, but in reality she has an extremely warm heart.

YVONNE: one of Hannah's best friends; French. Dreams of becoming a teacher loved and respected by all students. Loves to gossip.

LOVE INTERESTS: can't reveal anything for now, but my hope is to have three of them. The silhouettes in the banner above are temporary and may different from the final designs.

PROFESSOR PASCAL: University teacher. Hannah is his lab assistant and loves to make him angry.

MR. HYDE: Hannah's cat, adopted from the shelter~

More characters to come, maybe???

I'm currently writing the prologue and, although I have a general idea of where I want the story to go, I still need to figure out the middle part.

The premise of the game will slowly be revealed as the story progresses because Hannah herself beats around the bush and doesn't explicitly talk about it, since she refuses to acknowledge it. She likes women and she has never accepted it. Due to past events, she has buried everything deep into her heart and has lived her life like this, thinking the problem was solved.

Of course that's not how it works and her wounds, which have never had the chance to heal, have heavily influenced her life. In this game, she will learn to open her heart and accept herself thanks to a new love. What kind of "love" it will be, the player will decide.

Placeholders. Placeholders everywhere lol In this stage I am only adding in text and trying out the new software.

I'm not sure if I will be able to finish the entire game within the jam's timeframe, so I'm aiming for a working demo, at least.

My main goals for now are, more or less in order of importance:

Finish writing the prologue (I am currently at around 7k words, but who knows what more I will add or delete);

Input all the text in the engine;

Design all characters;

Draw all sprites and at least a decent amount of expressions;

Add all character animations and expression changes;

Work on at least one route, with a good and a bad ending.

Additional things that are still important, but don't have priority at the moment:

Find all the backgrounds I need;

Find some music.

This is all, for now. Writing will surely take a lot of time, so I'll probably write an update next week with the new word count. Unless I decide to take a break inbetween writing sessions and sketch some things, which means I'll be able to post an update sooner.

See you soon!

[dectech]

it is times like these I wish I hadn't forgotten my au with survivor, artificer and Saint. I mean, I still kinda remember it, but I definitely can't explain it now as well as I could have, considering I haven't been a major part of the fandom for a while now. May as well give it a shot though. wait a damn minute hold on. Nevermind, I found the original two asks I sent to my friend about the AU that explained it thoroughly.

part 1. part 2.

it has changed slightly since its inception here, I'll give you a (not-so-)brief rundown of what's changed under the cut if you're interested. be warned, I am very tired so this is probably written rather sloppily. proceed at your own discretion

Each Scug's karma-related "power" starts off weak and then gets more potent the further along their journey they go. For example, Saint's Death Pop would start out as a raw, unrefined and unfocused blast of void energy that would send enemies flying away and could kill any who were directly hit by it, and Saint would also have low-grav while the ability is active. Then, as Saint finds more echoes, The Death Pop would take a creature out of the world for several cycles, although they would come back eventually, and Saint would have the ability to "steer" the trajectory of their low-grav jumps mid-air. Finally, as Saint reaches Karma Level 10, The Death Pop would become the true Death Pop we all know and love, deleting targets from reality and giving Saint straight-up flight while active.

This also applies to Survivor's abilities. when Surv first unlocks it, it functions as described in the post linked (albeit roughly, as I no longer completely agree with what past-me wrote there. think of it more as a general concept). At some point, Surv is able to hone it further (not sure how) and it lets them create temporary hard-light shields that can also be launched forwards or used as platforms (inspired by the close association of the survival urge with shields, but also really just because it would be Cool and Interesting for Surv to have, as a treat). Wounds also rapidly heal while active. The tremor debuff is made less severe, and the boost briefly reaches claw-and-punch-your-way-out-of-a-leviathan's-stomach-through-its-abdomen levels of powerful. The final level, reached through the events described in part 2, gives Survivor the ability to heal others and shrug off ascension (including Saint's Death Pop) like gourmand is able of occasionally shrugging off a spear.

Unfortunately, I never got around to figuring out what Artificer's ability should be, aside from becoming even more of absolute killing machine. Maybe she could "curse" targets across multiple cycles?

I was never quite certain HOW Survivor should "unlock" their abilities, but one of the ways I came up with (and just about the only one I can remember) involved a kind of crossover with Daszombes' Iterator Logs and Region Concepts series, The Tower and Silent Light, to be specific, with a change (which I suppose could make this an AU of an AU). beware of spoilers below, if you haven't seen it

...

...

...

..

Essentially, Survivor accidentally falls into the primordial void container after being ambushed by a vulture. As they drift downwards, a kind of apparition of Silent light appears, telling them to fight against it, to persist, that their story is not over, and so on, motivating Survivor and guiding them out. as they emerge, they are changed by the experience (would put more detail into this but I am very tired).

there was also something I came up with inspired by Pansear Doodle's Heretics, but it's rather long, but I can at least give the bare bones here.

To make a long story short, Survivor beats the ever-loving hell out of Saint for forcefully ascending all those close to them and Saint is only able to come out on top because having all of their friends and family ripped away from them shattered Survivor's resolve and made them have a meltdown, giving a window of opportunity for Saint to actually ascend Survivor. Then, in the new loop, as a result of the same kind of deja vu we see in monk, Surv does NOT trust Saint at ALL. like they just meet them and freeze, and you can hear the gears turning in Surv's head as they try to figure out why they were suddenly struck with the distressingly vivid image of them bashing in saint's skull with a brick in a tearful fit of earth-shattering rage and grief, hard enough to send gunshot-like noises echoing over the horizon(obviously not Survivor's finest moment). And then they see other scugs around them experience some degree of deja vu involving saint, and they talk about it with them (being careful to avoid mentioning their own deja vu experience) and Survivor's just like "why the hell did I see THAT". Thing is, as shown at the end of Heretics, Saint may indeed be starting to change their ways, but they'd be hard pressed to convince Survivor with the mounting suspicion they're beginning to have against saint. Again, to make a VERY long story short, these two end up having whole ass character arcs together spanning massive chunks of their entire lifetimes, ending in them eventually reconciling after a very long, turbulent road and a lot of character development between the two of them. again, I did my best to keep this as brief as possible.

that's all I remember right now, and I'd like to not have this grow too long, so I'm gonna end this here. I don't.. really know how to naturally conclude this. Bye!

you know what, I did oc lore (you can still send oc lore btw) what about au lore?

so many cool aus I have never heard about, or struggle to remember

Feel free to share Rain world AU lore!

[d3sertdream3r]

Do you think Sauron is actually capable of loving Galadriel? I ship it, but idk if he could really care about her outside of fan fiction, lol!

Hello anon!

First of all, it doesn't matter whether he actually could or couldn't love her in canon because the fun thing about being a fan and all of this being fake is that you get to interpret it however you want (despite what some people will try to tell you)! So, this is just my personal interpretation of Sauron and Galadriel; everyone is free to see it however they want to. I'm going to apologize for the length in advance, because I am as long-winded as a bagpipe player.

I don't think that Sauron actually loves her. At least, not in the way we think of "love" between two people. At this point in his existence, Sauron has done unspeakably evil things for thousands of years, and I feel like his soul is so twisted that it would take a LOT more work for him to change.

That being said, I think he admires Galadriel a lot; her strength, her determination, her power, her (temporary) bloodlust. He tells her that she pushed him to heights no one else could have, and he will always be grateful for that. I don't think he's lying to her when he says that; she truly inspires him in ways no one else ever has.

Tolkien even said that when Sauron first encountered her, he knew he'd met his match. That definitely rings true in the show; even more so than in the book material in my opinion. Galadriel is his exact opposite in the light; they're able to understand each other and connect with each other in ways they can't with anyone else. That's what makes them so fascinating!

To me, Sauron seemed pretty upset and even genuinely hurt that she didn't want to join him because of that deep connection that they have. I don't think he ever lied to her or was even really trying to manipulate her until he faked his injury to get to the elves. A lot of people get annoyed that Galadriel didn't sense that he wasn't being genuine like she did in the book material, but I think it's because he was being genuine for the first 7 episodes. As soon as Galadriel sensed he was being fake in Eregion, she acted on it and started looking into the royal family of the Southlands. Before that, she completely believed that he wasn't her enemy because he wasn't; he wasn't the version of Sauron she's been searching for all these years.

However, he is still narcissistic, power-hungry, sadistic, and manipulative or he would've chosen to follow her back into the light instead of plunge headfirst back into darkness. She definitely amuses him, inspires him, and he has great respect for her; he could even have affection for her. But truly loving her would mean putting her above his own ambitions, his powers, his interests, his needs and wants. As Mairon he could've done this, but never as Sauron. And when he took up the king's pouch again before heading back to Middle-Earth, Sauron is the identity he was choosing.

Galadriel would be his Queen in title alone; I think she'd probably be the head of his armies, similar to the way he used to serve Morgoth. But she would always be subservient to him and his personal desires.

I think one of his attributes is possessiveness, so I'm sure a large part of his anger in episode 8 came from wanting to own her and have all of her attention and loyalty to himself. That on top of the last sliver of Mairon dying in him as his only positive relationship in the last few millennia was sundered.

Both Sauron and Galadriel are at the lowest points of their lives when they meet on the raft, and they inspire each other to take their respective paths that lead them to becoming the iconic entities they are in the Third Age. I absolutely LOVE that! I love that in her darkest moment, Galadriel's worst enemy is the one to give her a semblance of hope again. I love that when Sauron was feeling completely powerless, the woman that vowed to destroy him was the one to build him up again (even if it's ultimately to her own detriment).

Their dynamic is INCREDIBLE and HEARTBREAKING and COSMIC and I am 100% here for it.

[kingexpl0sionmurder]

Body Electric - Kaminari Denki - Smut

Author: @kingexpl0sionmurder Pairing: Kaminari Denki/F!Reader Rating: 18+ (contains smut) Words: 5,491 Warnings: Sex work (Cam boy/girl), Quirkless AU, Aged-up Adult characters (someone is in grad school! wow!), mentions of masturbation (both male and female), mentions of casual ShinKami, established KiriBaku, Idk they are all just really sexually liberated and don’t care about watching each other cum. Is that voyeurism? I’m bad at tagging things. Title taken from a Lana Del Rey song. AN: Another BNHarem collab piece! The theme was sex work, and I have wanted to do a camboy Denki for a long time so here we go. This was really smutty in my head but Denki makes me soft and it turned out really cute in the end, I’m sorry? He’s such a dork I feel like any sexual encounter with him would just turn out like this in some way, idk.  Thanks to @unbreakablekiribaku​ and @sailorsero​ as usual for being supportive of me. Happy birthday to @lady-bakuhoe and @burnedbyshoto​ 🎂🎂 There is no one else I would rather be birthday triplets with!

Please check out the Collab Masterlist: HERE Look 👀 at My Masterlist: HERE Buy me a Kofi if you’re scared of clowns too: HERE

---

Sighing, you sat up on your elbows, squinting at the chat on the screen, willing your heart to stop pounding and your breath to even out. The donations were pouring in, the chat moving so fast you couldn’t even read it. “Alright, lovelies, I hope you enjoyed that. Be right back and we’ll chat a little bit, okay?”

Donations popped up, the chat slowing a little as the clients who only came to jerk off to you left, leaving those who considered themselves true fans. You stood and made your way to the bathroom to pee, rinsing your toy off in the sink and washing your hands. You went back to your room, pulling on a hoodie and settling in front of the screen again.

“Alright, I’m back! I have some time for a few questions and then I have to go for the night. Let me see what we got!” You scanned the chat, ignoring the normal inappropriate questions. Mindfucker:  Do you know who Chargebolt is? Cause I heard he watches your stream.

Your heart, which had finally slowed to a normal rhythm, picked up again. You most definitely knew who Chargebolt was. You gave him a good amount of money from your donations when you watched his cam shows yourself. “I do actually, he’s pretty popular on here, isn’t he?” You sat back a little, furrowing your brows. “How do you know he watches me?”

RedDaddy: He did a Q&A and mentioned your channel! Told everyone to check you out.

You recognized the names of the viewers and knew they were also regulars on Chargebolt’s streams as well, so you believed them. Chargebolt was gorgeous and funny, just your type. The knowledge that he was interested in you enough to watch you get off on camera was flattering. You hoped your blush wasn’t showing on your face. 

“I’m surprised he knows who I am!” You had missed the last Q&A he’d done, since it hadn’t been on his normal streaming day, and you’d been stuck at work late. Leaning forward again, you bit your lip, looking into the camera from under your lashes. “Can I tell you guys a secret? I watch him, too. Why do you think I never do shows on Thursdays? That’s Chargebolt day.” With a wink you sat back, trying to will the blush from your cheeks. Mindfucker: I knew it! I bet he’s watching right now. You smiled, shrugging. “I hope he enjoyed the show, then!” You tried to hold it together, suppressing the urge to burst into a fit of giggles at the thought, answering a few more silly questions from your regulars, before signing off for the night, promising to be back again the following week.

You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding, leaning your head back and groaning. It was wild that the guy whose cam shows you watched on the regular, the one who had inspired you to start your own, who you thought of half the time when you were filming yourself getting off on camera for strangers, knew who you were and was one of your viewers. 

It brought you down a whole rabbit hole for a second, wondering if he got off on you getting off. Why else would he watch? Did he ever donate? You assumed he had a secondary account so you wouldn’t know it was him even if you tried to look at your past viewers, just like you had a secret account so you could watch him as well. 

Cracking your eyes open, you clicked to view the donation tallies for the evening. You’d made enough to pay the rent on your apartment for the month in just one night. Sometimes you wondered how you ever managed to survive before you started doing this. It was meant to be a temporary side job, but you’d been running this cam channel under the screen name Neko for over six months, and you had clawed your way out of debt in such a short time, it didn’t make sense for you to stop.

You viewed a few more visitor stats with interest, before logging off the computer and shutting the laptop. You had to get to sleep for your real job in the morning, so you figured it was time for bed, pushing thoughts of Chargebolt to the back of your mind for now.

It wasn’t until later when you were lying down to sleep, that you thought of him again. Your eyes closed as you ran through a scenario in your head, wondering if he would mention you on Thursday, and what would come of all this? You had noticed your viewer numbers had spiked that day, so it was definitely beneficial that you’d caught his eye. You just weren’t sure what would happen next.

--

Denki was grinning into the camera, wiping the cum off of his abs with the towel he kept beside him, his chest and cheeks flushed pink. He adjusted in his chair, tugging the toy out of his hole and chucking it to the side, pulling his boxers back up over his softening cock. “I hope it was as good for you as it was for me, babes.” 

He chuckled at the comments flooding the chat as he reached for his water and took a sip. 

Tapeman: As always, you never disappoint me, Chargebolt.

“Hey thanks, Tapeman! I appreciate you always coming to hang out...get it? Coming?”

Mindfucker: Ridiculous.

“Aw, you love me, Mindfucker.” He winked at the camera. “So, did you guys enjoy my Q&A the other day?”

The chat filled with praise, making him grin. He loved to talk to his fans, and sometimes they had some great questions for him. He knew a lot of people just watched him as a way to get off, but he liked to give a little piece of himself to them because he knew that most of the people who watched were probably lonely, and he wanted to help with that in some way. He kept things laid back, joking and laughing with his viewers before and after the show, taking requests and doing his best to remember some of the regulars. Some of the few who had been with him from the beginning he’d made into moderators to help with keeping things somewhat orderly in the chat. Some of them he actually knew in real life, like his roommate Hitoshi, who used the alias Mindfucker.

Mindfucker: So are we going to talk about Neko? Denki’s eyebrows rose. “Oh, you mean the stream the other day? It was…” He made the appropriate motion as he said it. “Chef’s kiss, immaculate. She’s so beautiful…” Trailing off, he let himself think back to the way your chest heaved and the face you made when you came. “I would do anything for her, man.”

RedDaddy: Dude, I agree! She’s also super sweet, like, the total package.

Sighing, he leaned his elbow on the desk, his cheek resting on his palm. “I am a simp, my guy.” He sat up, squinting at the chat. “She said she watches, right? Is she here right now?” He scanned the names of the viewers, frowning. “She probably has a second account. Well, if you’re here, Neko, you should hit me up. I read all of my DM’s okay?” He grinned, winking again. “Alright, I have to go feed the cats so I’m outie 5000, thanks for hanging out and I’ll see you guys next week!”

He said his goodbyes, ending the stream and sighing. He wiped off his toy with the towel and clicked through his stats for the day, smiling at some of the comments that came with the donations. Hitoshi came into his room a few minutes later, holding one of the cats, an orange tabby named Miso, in his arms. “I fed them, you don’t have to.”

Was it weird that his roommate watched him fuck himself on toys and jerk off on the internet on a weekly basis? Nope. Denki had forgone all sense of modesty when it came to sex a long time ago, and Hitoshi was the same. It helped that they fucked around on occasion, best friends who got lonely and lived together sometimes did that, he guessed. Or maybe they were weird. It was whatever, he didn’t like to think about it too much. 

“What would I do without you, Toshi?”

“Kill the cats, probably.” He deadpanned, leaning in the doorway. “Burn all the toast you try to make, buy the wrong peanut butter, eat Cheese-Itz for breakfast every day, forget to pay the cable bill.” He raised his eyebrows. “I can keep going.”

“Fuck off, I got the all-natural peanut butter once, it was an accident!” Denki threw his soiled towel into the laundry basket by the closet and picked up the toy he’d used, waving it around a bit. “Did you enjoy the stream?”

Hitoshi snorted, eyeing the dildo warily. “I didn’t really watch, I had my eye on the chat. I was looking for Neko.”

“Man, I can’t believe she’s a fan!” He waved the dildo some more, watching as it jiggled. “I would let her do unspeakable things to me.”

“Look out, your sub is showing, Denki.” Hitoshi teased. “But I agree, she’s pretty great. I wonder if she’ll ever do private shows.” Pausing to scritch Miso behind the ears, he continued. “I’m sure they’d be in high demand.”

Denki stood, pointing at Hitoshi with the dildo. He really needed to put it down somewhere and stop brandishing it around like a sword. “Don’t even, I’d spend all my money on that girl.” 

“I know you would.” He chuckled. “I did try to go through the usernames and see if I could find out who she could be, but I didn’t have any luck.”

“It’s okay! I’m leaving it up to fate now, man. If the universe wants us to know each other, we will.” He stuck his thumb towards the ensuite. “I’m going to wash my ass and then we can play Among Us if you want.”

Hitoshi, completely unphased as usual, nodded. “I’ll get a team together. Check the discord when you get out.”

Humming, Denki made his way to the bathroom, picking up his phone on the way. It buzzed as he closed the door, and he glanced down to see he had a message from his other moderator and friend, Eijirou, aka RedDaddy. Tossing the dildo in the sink, he looked down at the screen and opened the message.

Eiji: No luck on finding Neko on the stream, but she said she never misses a Thursday, so I bet she was there.

Denki: Thanks for keeping an eye out, man. I appreciate you. Among us in 30?

Eiji: Bet. I’ll ask Kats to play too.

--

Your next stream day had you feeling nervous. Chargebolt had talked directly at you on his last stream, asking you to slide into his DMs, and you had yet to take him up on it. You didn’t know what you were so scared of, Chargebolt was a nice guy. You chalked it up to the fear of the unknown. If you sent him a message, what would you even say? ‘Hey dude, nice cock?’ It was bound to be a disaster.

Pushing your nerves back down, you made sure you were ready for your stream, excited for the news you were about to drop on your viewers. You were needing a little extra cash due to some unfortunate car trouble, and you’d figured out a way to make up what you needed in record time.

“Hey everyone, welcome!” You smiled at the camera, waving your fingers. “Thanks for coming! I see a lot of familiar names here tonight. Hi Mindfucker, Dynamight, RedDaddy, Tapeman, LightningMcQueen!”

LightningMcQueen: Hey, beautiful! I’ve been looking forward to this all week.

Dynamight: Chill out, McQueen, you look desperate.

RedDaddy: Be nice, Dynamight. Hi, Neko!

Dynamight: Fuck off, Shittyhair.

Mindfucker: How’s your cat, Neko?

“Be good, Dynamight. You’re lucky I know you don’t mean that!” You giggled at the antics of your regulars, smiling at the question about your cat. “Ichigo is doing good, Mindfucker, thanks for asking! I’ll bring her on camera after the show if you want to say hi!”

Minfucker just sent a cat emoji and you laughed, shaking your head. “I’m beginning to think that you’re just here for Ichigo and not me.”

The chat went crazy with people denying it, telling you how much they loved watching you every week. You lit up, feeling more excited about your news.

“So I have something I want to discuss before we get started today. I’ve decided I want to try out doing some private shows, so I’m going to be offering up a few spots. I’m going to give some of my longest and most frequent supporters a shot first, and if all goes well, then I’ll open them up to the rest of you! I’ll be adding a signup link at the bottom of my page after tonight’s stream, so if you’re interested you can apply and I’ll pick a few of you and we’ll work out a schedule! How does that sound?”

Dynamight: McQueen already has his credit card ready I bet.

“Aw, you don’t want to play with me, Dynamight?” You teased, giving the camera your best pout.

Dynamight: You couldn’t handle me, Princess.

LightningMcQueen: Hush. You’re a bottom, Dyna.

Dynamight: Die you fucking extra.

LightningMcQueen: Love you too, blasty.

“I was going to let you pick the toy today, Dynamight, but if you can’t behave then I’m just going to have to let someone else have a turn.” You gave the camera a disapproving look, frowning. You’d picked up that these guys were friends, so you knew they were just messing with each other.

A donation popped up from Dynamight with a comment attached. 

Let McQueen choose this time, babe.

“It looks like Dynamight is going to let you choose, McQueen. Which one?” You pulled over the box you kept your toys in and showed it to the camera. “Pick a color.”

LightningMcQueen: Yellow

You pulled the yellow silicone out of the box and showed it to the chat, smirking. “I call this one Chargebolt because it’s the same color as his hair. Are you sure this is the one you want me to use?”

--

When your stream ended, Denki leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath. The fact that he’d watched you fuck yourself with a dildo that you’d named after him was the hottest thing he could have imagined. He was jealous of that piece of bright yellow silicone more than he should be. He’d still enjoyed it, if the mess across his abs and chest were any indication. 

He cleaned himself up and pulled on a shirt, clicking on the link for the private show signup. It was pretty straightforward, listing the price and how long the show would be, and asking for his username and what he would be interested in doing or seeing and what day would work best.

Staring at the form for a moment, he contemplated his options. He could sign up with his LightningMcQueen account, and he might have a chance. He was the first one out of his friends to find your channel one night when he was bored and horny. Then he’d shown it to Hitoshi and then shared your info with Eijirou, Katsuki, and Hanta. He would be considered one of the longest and loyal viewers like you had said.

However, if you got a request from Chargebolt? What would you do? Would you ignore it? 

“Toshi!” He called out, knowing his roommate would hear him without him having to get up. “I’m having a crisis!”

The door opened, and the purple-haired man stood in the doorway. “I am not prepared to handle your bi panic right now, Denki.”

“Are you going to put in for a private show from Neko?” Denki pushed on, ignoring his friend’s exasperation. 

“I spoke that into existence last week, you know. You’re welcome.”

Flopping back in his chair, Denki closed his eyes. “Should I send in the request with this account or with the Chargebolt one?”

Hitoshi shrugged, watching their cat Sashimi wander into the room. “You’ve wanted to talk to her for ages, man. You could have messaged her forever ago and you wouldn’t be playing this game with her. Sign up with your actual account.”

“I mean, she must think I’m cute, right? Otherwise, she wouldn’t watch.” He sat up, logging out of his secondary account and into his main one. He had a few unread DM’s, so he clicked, his breath catching in his throat. “Dude, look.”

There was a message from you, short but sweet.

Hi, Chargebolt. I don’t know if you saw the stream today, but you should check it out if you haven’t. I left it up for you.”

“She wants you to see her use that dildo she named after you.” Hitoshi patted his shoulder, and then bent down to pick up Sashimi. “I signed up but I told her I just wanted to have a date with her cat. She probably won’t pick me.”

“She will, she loves cats.” Denki clicked on your page and scrolled down to the bottom where the signup was again, letting it populate his main account in the information, and writing ‘any day except Thursday’ in the section for the time that worked for him. “I’m going to get this girl to date me, just you watch.”

Snorting, his roommate closed the door behind him as he left. “I believe in you, Pikachu.”

Once his request was submitted, he went back to his DM’s and sent you a message back.

“I was there, Neko. I never miss a stream. I submitted for a private show, so I hope you’ll pick me. I’ve been one of your viewers since the beginning, you know.”

---

In your head, you tried to plan what you would say once you were face to face (via camera) with the one and only Chargebolt. Everything your brain seemed to come up with fell short. What did you say to this guy, who you’d been simping over for over 9 months, who lit up your screen every Thursday with terrible puns and panty-dropping smiles? You knew exactly what he looked like and sounded like when he came. It was a strange thing to think that you knew that but you’d never actually spoken to him before.

It made you feel a little better when you realized he knew just as much about you. That he watched you fuck yourself on a dildo you’d named after him, and then spent the rest of the stream showing off your fluffy white cat Ichigo. 

It was time to put on your big girl panties. You could do this. 

Chargebolt had been one of the few that you’d chosen to do these shows with. He was also the last one. You’d met with 4 others, the ones who were the most active in your chat, the ones you assumed were actually friends. 

Your first one was with Tapeman, who asked you to call him Sero. He was cute, with the widest, prettiest smile you’d ever seen. He made you laugh, and called you beautiful, and spoke to you in Spanish. You didn’t feel uncomfortable once with him, and the experience gave you hope that the rest would be just as nice.

Mindfucker was next, whose name was Shinsou and lowkey your favorite one. He didn’t want anything sexual at all, which surprised you. You sat with him and drank tea and you got to meet his two fur children, Miso and Sashimi, while he told you about his roommate. You let him admire Ichigo, and talked about music. He was sarcastic, but not in a mean way, and you were pretty sure he was going to be your new best friend.

RedDaddy and Dynamight had asked to do theirs together since they were dating. You wanted to question why they both watched your stream but RedDaddy, who was actually named Kirishima, answered it for you.

“We’re both bi, and we think you’re cute!”

“Yeah, plus McQueen has a thing for you so we like to be in the chat to help him out.” Dynamite, aka Bakugou, added in his gruff voice, folding his arms across his chest.

“Aw, that’s sweet!” You smiled at them. “He didn’t request a private show though, so I guess he doesn’t like me that much.”

Bakugou coughed and Kirishima grinned. “Maybe he was nervous! I’m sure you’ll meet him in one of these someday!”

“Enough about that dumbass.” Bakugou leaned forward, his hand on Kirishima’s knee. “Give us a show and we’ll give you one in return. Use that orange and green one for me, Princess.”

And give you a show they did. You got lost in how they looked at each other while they jerked each other off, and you were pretty sure they forgot you were even there at some point. When it was over, you suggested that they start their own channel.

Bakugou scoffed, but you could tell he was blushing a bit.

“I don’t know, Neko. I don’t think I could share him with anyone else. Except you, you’re the exception.” Kirishima grinned, winking at you.

But now it was Chargebolt’s turn. You made sure you had everything you needed, making sure Ichigo was out of the room, and then signed into your account. 

Chargebolt was online, so you made the private room and sent him the request. You felt like you were shaking, and you checked yourself in the camera to make sure you didn’t look like a wreck.

You barely had time to breathe before he entered the chat, his camera screen coming to life and showing you his smiling face. You melted a bit, biting your lip, gazing at how attractive he was. 

“Hey, Neko!” Chargebolt was as vibrant as ever, tucking his hair behind his ears, the black lightning bolt in his hair dark against the bright yellow of the rest of it.

“It’s nice to see you, Chargebolt.” You tried to relax, rolling your shoulders back. “It’s kind of weird knowing you can see me too.”

He laughed, leaning back in his chair. You tried not to stare at his arms in the tank top he was wearing. Chargebolt had a small frame, but his muscles were defined. You’d seen him plow through an entire bag of chips on stream once, without pausing to breathe, so you assumed he must be one of those people with amazing metabolism that you envied. “You can call me Denki if you want, kitten.”

You choked on air at the nickname, trying to compose yourself. “Kitten?”

“Well, Neko means cat, doesn’t it?” He raised an eyebrow. “I won’t call you that if you don’t like it.”

“No!” You practically shouted. “No, I mean, it’s fine. I like it.”

“Sweet.” He grinned. “Man, I’ve wanted to get you alone like this for so long, and now I’m just feeling really nervous.”

“You’re nervous?” You were surprised. The always cool but super dorky Chargebolt was nervous because of you? “So am I.”

Chargebolt- sorry, Denki, rested his elbow on the desk, propping his head in his hand. “Well, glad to know I’m not the only disaster here. I’ve been trying to get the courage to talk to you for months, and then finally Hitoshi got me to talk about you on stream a few weeks ago, and now here we are.”

“Who’s Hitoshi? One of your regulars?” Knowing that you weren’t the only one who was sweating bullets had you relaxing a bit. 

“Oh yeah, Mindfucker! You know him right? He did a thing with you the other day, didn’t he?”

Eyes wide, you stared at him. “Shinsou?”

“Yeah, that’s my best friend and my roommate. He said he showed you the cats.” He shrugged. “You picked all my friends for your private shows. Sero, Kiri, Bakugou, Shinsou.” He paused, smirking. “I forgot that you don’t know that I’m LightningMcQueen.”

“That’s you? I was wondering why they didn’t send me a request, but it all makes sense now.”

Denki shot you finger guns and winked. “Kachow!”

“Oh god, stop it.” You rolled your eyes.

He chuckled, grinning at you. “So, did Shinsou talk about me?”

You giggled, remembering back. “He told me a story about how his roommate mistook a fuzzball for a spider and spent the afternoon sitting on a table waiting for him to come home and kill it.”

“It looked like one of those freaky poisonous ones from where I was sitting. I was afraid to let it out of my sight in case it got away and then multiplied and killed me in my sleep or something.” He took a deep breath. “Spiders are terrifying.”

This man was amazing. “You are everything I always thought you’d be, you know that?”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.” He sighed. “You have to have some kind of embarrassing story to tell me so I don’t feel like a fool. You’ve got to make it even.”

“One year my dad hired a clown to come to my birthday party. He walked in the front door and I jetted out the back door and hid in the garden until he left. Clowns are just as terrifying as spiders.”

Chargebolt laughed, and the sound made your stomach do a somersault. It was just as bright and happy as he was. “That is the cutest shit I’ve ever heard!”

“I’m glad my childhood trauma is amusing you.” You deadpanned, trying to keep the smile off your face.

“Aw, don’t be like that kitten! I’m glad we can bond over our irrational fears like this, you know?” He 

You shivered happily. “Okay, okay.” You cleared your throat. “So, you didn’t write anything down here for what you wanted out of our chat today.”

“Oh, okay, down to business then.” He sat up straight. “Well, I wanted to tell you myself instead of submitting it on the form.”

Intrigued, you raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t want to give me a chance to back out?”

Snorting, and shook his head. “Nah, I think you’ll like it, kitten.” He folded his hands behind his head. “I want you to tell me what to do. I’m at your mercy.”

Swallowing thickly, you blinked at him. That was...really hot. “You like being told what to do?”

“I would love nothing more for you to pull my hair and peg me within an inch of my life while calling me your little cock slut.” He stared at you with an eyebrow raised, looking pleased with himself when he saw your expression.

Your thighs clenched together involuntarily. “Fuck.”

“Yeah, right? I mean, I’m a switch, I’d do the same to you if you asked.  But we can save that for next time.” He smirked. “So, you down?”

Next time? This man was going to kill you. “Take off your shirt, Denki.”

“Fuck yes.” He groaned, reaching behind him and tugging the garment over his head. 

His chest and abs came into view, and you let your eyes linger on the barbells through his nipples. “Pants too.”

He pushed his chair away from his desk and shimmied out of his shorts, kicking them to the side. You gazed at him in his blue boxer briefs, eyes lingering on his thin waist, strong thighs, and the outline of his cock. He was a sight to behold, honestly.

You held the fangirling back, leaning forward to get a better look at him. “Do you have any toys, Denki?”

“Of course, Kitten.” He moved out of view for a moment, coming back with a box. 

“Let me see.” He tilted the box towards the camera, your eyes flitting over the different colors and shapes inside. “The pink one.” 

“Okay, hang on, let me-” He cut off, standing up and throwing the pink toy on the bed. He picked up the laptop and moved it, laying down beside it and angling the camera so you could see what he was doing.

“Did you stretch yourself, baby?” 

He made a noise that sounded like a whine in the back of his throat at the pet name, obviously pleased by it. “Yeah, of course I did.” He glanced at the screen. “You should, uh, take your shirt off too.”

“I thought you wanted me to tell you what to do, not the other way around.” Teasing him, you crossed your arms over your chest.

He pouted slightly. “I’ve been good so far though, right?”

“All you’ve done is take off two items of clothing and move to the bed. You’re gonna have to work harder than that!”

Huffing, he lifted his ass off the bed and tugged his underwear down his legs, kicking them off, his hand already moving to wrap around his already hard cock.

“Did I say you could touch yourself, Denki?” It was getting hard to keep up the stern act you were putting on, but you knew it was what he wanted. You wanted to watch him touch himself, watch the way his eyes fluttered closed when his thumb brushed over the leaking head of his cock, and the way he would bite his lip when he moved his wrist a certain way.

You could be patient though, so you continued.

“If I was there right now, what would you want me to do first?”

He stilled, blinking at you a few times. “I would want your mouth first, I think.”

Humming, you sat back, pulling your shirt over your head, letting him admire the lacey purple bra covering your chest. “You’d want my mouth on your cock? Trace my tongue along that vein along the underside and suck on the head a little?”

Denki groaned, closing his eyes, his grip visibly tightening around his shaft. He looked like he was trying not to get worked up too fast. You were amazed at how your words were affecting him, so you pressed on.

“I’d take you all the way down until I was choking on it, and I’d let you hold onto my hair and fuck my face. God, you don’t know how many times I've dreamed about doing that for you. What would you say to that?”

The blush spreading down his neck and chest made him look so pretty. “Ugh, fuck kitten, you’re killing me.” He swallowed hard, opening his eyes to look at you again. “I’d tell you how good you made me feel, but I wouldn’t let you finish me off that way.”

“Oh no? Tell me what else you’d do.” You took the opportunity to move to the bed yourself, pulling off your leggings and panties all at once. 

Eyes glued to you while you unclipped your bra and threw it across the room, he continued. “Fuck, um, I would...god, you’re beautiful.”

Flushing at the compliment, you looked down shyly, breaking character. “I’ve heard you say that before and I still don’t believe it.”

Denki scoffed. “If you need a daily reminder, I’d be happy to be the one to tell you, kitten.” You could hear the sincerity in his voice, and it made your heart do a little flip. “I might seem like a dumbass but I’m using this camboy money to pay off my student loans for my masters in English lit so I can quote you entire sonnets from Shakespeare without hesitation if that will help you believe me.”

Your eyebrows shot up, impressed. Realizing you’d ruined the moment, you sighed, covering your eyes with your hand. “I’m sorry, I’m crap at this. I really just want to watch you cum.”

Chuckling, you heard him shifting on the bed. “Okay, how about this? Forget the toys. Just close your eyes and listen to me.”

“Okay.”

“If you were here with me right now, just like that, I’d spend so much time exploring every inch of you with my tongue. I’d start with your lips, your jaw, your neck. Collarbones, shoulders, your chest, those cute nipples-”

“How are nipples cute?” You interrupted with a snort.

You could hear him trying not to laugh, his voice pitched a bit higher. “Shh, don’t ruin it.”

“I think you just did when you said ‘cute nipples’.” You’d never had this much fun with someone in a situation like this. “If I had a dick, my boner would have just died.”

Denki wheezed, and you opened your eyes to look over at him. He was gazing back at you, his eyes bright as he laughed into his palm. “God, I like you so much, kitten.”

Your grin softened, your heart pounding at his words. “Me too, Denki.” 

[padme-amitabha]

Anidala Week 2021

 Day 1: Missing Scene or Favorite Scene(s)

Anakin Skywalker could not take his eyes off the girl. He noticed her the moment he entered Watto’s shop, even before Watto said anything, and he hadn’t been able to stop looking at her since. He barely heard what Watto said to him about watching the shop. He barely noticed the strange-looking creature that had come in with her and was poking around in the shelves and bins. Even after she noticed he was staring at her, he could not help himself. He moved now to an open space on the counter, hoisted himself up, and sat watching her while pretending to clean a transmitter cell. She was looking back at him now, embarrassment turning to curiosity. She was small and slender with long, braided brown hair, brown eyes, and a face he found so beautiful that he had nothing to which he could compare it. She was dressed in rough peasant’s clothing, but she seemed very self-possessed. She gave him an amused smile, and he felt himself melting in confusion and wonder. He took a deep breath. 

“Are you an angel?” he asked quietly. The girl stared. “What?” 

“An angel.” Anakin straightened a bit. “They live on the moons of Iego, I think. They are the most beautiful creatures in the universe. They are good and kind, and so pretty they make even the most hardened space pirates cry like small children.” 

She gave him a confused look. “I’ve never heard of angels,” she said. “You must be one of them,” Anakin insisted. “Maybe you just don’t know it.” “You’re a funny little boy.” The amused smile returned.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly, looking upset and embarrassed. “I don’t fully understand, I guess. This is a strange world to me.” He studied her intently for a moment, thinking of other things, wanting to tell her of them. “You are a strange girl to me,” he said instead. He swung his legs out from the counter. “My name is Anakin Skywalker.” She brushed at her hair. “Padmé Naberrie.”

Both Anakin and Padmé were laughing now, and their laughter increased as they saw the look on the unfortunate creature’s long billed face. Anakin looked at Padmé and the girl at him. Their laughter died away. The girl reached up to touch her hair self-consciously, but she did not divert her gaze. “I’m going to marry you,” the boy said suddenly. There was a moment of silence, and she began laughing again, a sweet musical sound he didn’t mind at all. “I mean it,” he insisted. “You are an odd one,” she said, her laughter dying away. “Why do you say that?” He hesitated. ” I guess because it’s what I believe…” Her smile was dazzling. “Well, I’m afraid I can’t marry you..” She paused, searching her memory for his name. “Anakin,” he said. “Anakin.” She cocked her head. “You’re just a little boy.” His gaze was intense as he faced her. “I won’t always be…” he said quietly.”

— Terry Brooks, Star Wars : Episode I - The Phantom Menace

This is one of my favorite Anidala scenes ever because their story starts so sweetly. This scene is so unique to them and after watching the OT, it’s fascinating to see a young Darth Vader as a sweet and innocent child. His interactions as a slave boy with a young queen in disguise is also fits with the fairytale-ish tone and themes in Star Wars. Anakin and Padmé’s first meeting is just precious. 

This is probably the only time, Anakin and Padmé can be themselves without older figures telling them what to do. This is one of the few times Padmé is Padmé Naberrie - not Queen Amidala or Padmé Amidala. It’s interesting to see two young people from different social classes and vastly different cultures and worlds sharing a genuine moment of connection. 

I can add very little to this scene but Anakin proves he has enough clairvoyance (as Admiral Motti mocks him in ANH) to be certain he has met the girl he would marry someday. Even in TPM, little Anakin Skywalker is just as much a slave to Watto as he is to the Emperor in ANH. 

Even Padmé is somewhat surprised by his intensity at such an young age. Anakin also emphasizes on his identity as a person so this scene has dark undertones and references to Darth Vader.  

Another scene I love is the chilling visual parallels with Vader and Padmé in ROTS. The stark contrast between their “deaths” but also the similarities show that they are still connected even while their lives hang in balance. 

Padmé gives birth to life and Anakin loses his humanity. She is in a well-lit medical facility and he is in a cold, dark one. Even their heartbeats are in sync as if they are connected via the Force (which could very well be true, since she was slightly force-sensitive from carrying the twins). 

As the mask lowers on Vader, he whispers (since his vocal cords are badly burnt), “Padmé, help me” and Padmé, always on Anakin’s side, hears his plea and tries to tell that to Obi-Wan with her dying breath. It’s very likely that she heard him through the connection they shared like their connection during the ruminations scene and how Leia felt Luke in ESB and but she was unable to respond as she had given birth and probably lost the temporary force sensitivity. 

 As Anakin takes his first breath as Vader, Padmé takes her last. 

Vader rises like Frankenstein’s monster and Sidious marvels at his new “creation”. Padmé dies all in white, like the angel Anakin believed her to be. The parallels are also reminiscent of the “Death and the Maiden” motif.

Anakin has always felt connected to Padmé since he met her and this is the last time he feels their connection. And that’s how he knows Padmé is truly dead and he has lost her forever.  

Even the chorus “I am a Sith Lord but I could not save her” (even though the lyrics are actually Sanskrit) is haunting. This is where the colors of the republic fade and the black and white symbolism of the empire begins. 

Anakin is now Vader - more machine than man - and stands beside Sidious to assist him in building a tyrannical empire while Padmé dies and takes with her all the colors, love, laughter, cultural beauty, and freedom of the Republic era. Padmé was the personification of the Republic - a flawed but well-intended system and her death represents the democracy whereas Vader represents the Empire. 

Her funeral arrangement makes it seem like she’s drowning like Ophelia - implying that she’s returning to where she belongs. (Her planet Naboo is mostly associated with water and Padmé has often expressed her love for water and lakes in AOTC).

Padmé dying of a broken heart is also fits in with the fairytale whereas Anakin finds himself in a very different world after he wakes up - a world where most of the Jedi had been slaughtered and the survivors were declared traitors, a world where democracy doesn’t exist anymore. And he finds himself kept alive my machinery and he cannot die like his beloved, even if he wishes to. He is now very much a part of the new empire - with his humanity and limbs lost - and he gradually accepts his role as the imperial enforcer. 

Anakin and Padme’s story comes to a conclusion here as their reverse arcs are completed. They have both come a long way since TPM and Padme’s experiences mold her into becoming more emotional and in touch with her feelings from the stoic, reserved Queen Amidala whereas Anakin’s dreams, compassion and search for his identity are lost as he becomes his master’s servant and becomes colder and more stoic. Padmé’s journey was to become more human and learning to put love and family over duty and transition from Amidala to Padmé as Anakin’s unfortunately was to become more inhuman and machine-like, from Anakin to Vader. 

These scenes are where the prequel trilogy ends and the originals begin. 

[thedamageofherdays]

This week's [23-08-2021 - 29-08-2021] reading log is here! I read a lot again this week and I feel like it's a lovely variety of fics. Most fics are Stucky like usual, but there's at least one other ship. I am constantly amazed by the talent people have in this fandom! There was one fic I read on Tumblr that I can't seem to find unfortunately, but when I do I'll make sure to reblog and rec it 💕

Favourites are marked with a 🌻

When life gives you lemons by moonthejedi394 @moonythejedi394 [Stucky, 40k words, Mature] (12/15 chapters available)

Or 13 Terrible Things to Do With Lemons Other Than Making Lemonade

Steve Rogers is a home health nurse. He works for an agency, which assigned him to the aging Winifred Barnes, the one and only Silent Era Hollywood darling. As her needs increased, she requested the agency assign Steve to her full-time. She could pay for it, so she got it. Steve then moved in with her, becoming her caregiver; he cooked, he cleaned, he managed her medications, he made sure she was comfortable.

Winifred's children treated him less than ideally. He was the help, after all. And then Steve had the audacity to go and turn out to be eldest son James Barnes's soulmate. No one saw that coming.

The Masseur and the Assassin by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 17k words, Explicit]

Bucky Barnes needed a vacation from his job. What he found was a happy ending.

The Words Breathe by buckbarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

All Steve has to do is keep his promise. When he doesn’t, Bucky gets mouthy.

Soft by this_wayward_life @wayward-lives [Stucky, 2k words, Explicit]

The last time he'd seen Bucky he'd looked unhealthy, with pallid skin and greasy, lanky hair. Now, Bucky shone; his hair was thick and silky, his skin a deep bronze from spending so much time outside. He was softer, too; the hard muscle that used to cover him was now replaced by soft fat, his body still strong, but in a more mundane way. His thighs were thicker, his ass plumper, and when he'd pulled Steve into the river Steve had noticed the pudge on his stomach.

Seeing Bucky so happy, well-fed and shining, was a bit of a kick in the face. For all the years they'd known each other, he'd never seen Bucky so... care-free. Now that Bucky was putting on weight, his middle soft and his body malleable, it sent a bolt of arousal through Steve every time he noticed the curves of Bucky's body.

Or: Bucky put on a bit of weight in Wakanda, and Steve is Not Coping.

🌻 Revive Another Side of Me by dontcallmebree @iamthe-wo-manwhocan [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Steve’s never lived in a world without Bucky, and he’s not living now. It takes them a while, much too long, to get that awaited rest, a little slice of peace after the dust has settled.Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are inseparable, history remembers. But they’re not men of the past quite yet.

🌻 imagine being loved by me by spacebuck @spacebuck [Stucky, 20k words, Explicit]

Just after 1am - a few hours after he posted today’s photo - he hears the tell-tale sound of a twitter message. Bucky grabs his phone, not checking who it’s from as he opens it because it’s probably one of his mutuals yelling at him as per usual. When he actually looks at his phone, though, it’s not Natasha

The ‘verified’ check stares back at him for a long moment before he can even bring himself to process the name on his screen. Steve Rogers is messaging him. Or, he reasons, a very good fake. The handle looks right though, not that Bucky knows. Not that Bucky has Captain’s America’s tweets set up as notifications, or that Bucky’s own display name is set to captain america’s bitch. Not at all.

Hey, the first message says. It’s Steve.

🌻 JB’s Complete Lube Services by dixons_mama @dixons-mama [Stucky, 3k words, Explicit]

People just didn’t approach Captain America and proposition him. Although, sometimes Steve wished they would; even the pinnacle of virtue and justice needed to get dicked down from time to time.

Or, the one where Steve has the hots for a mechanic and decides to be proactive in getting that dick.

If it had to be someone by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Bucky had known since he was a child that he didn’t have a choice in who he married, but he’d thought he had more time before the day arrived.

Miscalculations by christywantspizza @christywantspizza [Ransom Drysdale/Reader, 6k words, Explicit]

Ransom tries to get you to sleep with him by less than honorable means. You give him what he wants, just not how he wants it.

How to Seduce a Writer by obsessivereader [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

What's a determined master strategist going to do when the oblivious writer he's trying to woo keeps missing all the clues?

He doesn’t think it’s because he hadn’t signaled his own interest to Bucky. He’s pretty much done everything short of hitting Bucky over the head with semaphore flags by this point. There’s no way Bucky could’ve missed them. Unless… There’d been that one link he’d stumbled upon when he’d googled ‘how to talk to a writer’. It’d been written by a writer, who’d been candid about how oblivious writers could be, and how someone could go about seducing one. An idea starts to form. It’s ridiculous, but at this point, he’s willing to go with ridiculous, since subtle wasn’t getting him anywhere.

🌻 Pod Bless America by Deisderium @deisderium [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

Bucky can't believe his favorite podficcer recorded his newest fanfic AU of the show Commandos. He's even more surprised when the customer who busts him listening to fic while he's working in the office supply store turns out to be that podficcer.

* The guy—maybe bi_shield?—took his phone, looked down at the screen, and smiled. "Yeah, that one's mine," he said with no evidence of embarrassment. "It was a good one." He handed the phone back to Bucky.

"I wrote it," Bucky croaked.

take a bite by wearing_tearing [Stucky, 7k words, Mature]

"I’d never let anyone freeze to death.” Steve gives a big sigh and flutters his lashes. “All that blood gone to waste.”

Bucky’s lips turn down and his nose scrunches up a little. “I want to be grossed out, but…”

“But you get it.” Steve gives him a pointed look. “Vampires aren’t the only ones who can appreciate how juicy blood is.”

*

Or: Vampire Steve saves newly-turned werewolf Bucky from a snowstorm.

Leaving the Shield Behind by BuckyAboveEverything [Stucky, 6k words, Teen]

“So, on one hand, we have Steve Rogers - hunk, genius, animal lover. Buys you waffles and overpriced coffee. 100% wholesome all-American boy.”

“And, on the other hand, we have Capsicle – twink, smart-ass, fanboy. Reads your stories and sends you fanart. Possibly a pervert or a serial killer.”

Bucky groaned.

“I am 100% certain I am 0% sure of what to do."

Bucky Barnes, full-time copywriter and free-time fanfic writer, struggles to choose between two equally-attractive suitors, only to find that he doesn’t have to after all.

* Based on a true story *

Cap's Book Corner by Neche [Stucky, 2k words, Teen]

Recluse Author Bucky Barns stumbles into fanboy Steve Rogers bookstore one day...

Cat Nap by galwednesday @galwednesday [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Objectively, losing the Bucharest safehouse and its contents was the least of Bucky’s problems. The balding agent he’d seen directing the raid was apparently affiliated with SHIELD, which was a shadowy government agency that made representatives from other shadowy government agencies suddenly remember urgent appointments when Bucky tried to bribe, threaten, and otherwise shake them down for information on what the hell SHIELD might want with a former brainwashed assassin. Dodging SHIELD should be his number one priority.

Subjectively, he wanted his fucking cat back.

at any given moment by honeypuffed [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

Steve and Bucky find out that everyone thinks they're sleeping together.

Brought to Brightness by eyres [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

Army veteran Bucky Barnes has fallen in love with Steve, a guy he met online a few months after he returned from Afghanistan. Only problem is, he doesn't know Steve's last name or even what he looks like.

When his sister helps him send his story into MTV's Catfish, he's hoping they can help him meet Steve or, at least, let him move on with his life if Steve isn't real. Little does he know, Steve and Captain America have more in common than just a first name.

🌻 Nokken Wood by leveragehunters @leveragehunters [Stucky, 10k words, Teen]

When Sam's friend needs a house-sitter for his place in the country, Steve jumps at the chance. Six months rent-free to do nothing but draw and paint and wander the countryside, looking for inspiration? It was like a dream. But when he gets lost in a storm and nearly falls into a pond he starts to rethink the whole like a dream aspect of life in the country. And when a red-eyed, sharp-clawed, silver-fanged creature rises out of the darkness, Steve is one hundred percent certain the dream's morphed into a nightmare.

...until it gives him a cup of tea.

(Inspired partly by this prompt a supernatural creature is supposed to scare you but instead it gives you a cup of tea and a blanket because you're having a bad day and you keep coming back and partly by this painting.)

Professional Pride by galwednesday [Stucky, 700 words, Teen]

Bucky is having a very good day, until he turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Captain America.

“Oh shit,” he blurts before he can stop himself, and Captain America blinks at him. “Hey, hi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” Here, at New York’s Pride parade, surrounded by thousands of happy screaming people wearing rainbows and sometimes not much else. What is he doing here? Is he on guard duty or something? Was he just on a mission and happened to be passing by on his way back?

He’s in uniform but with the cowl loose around his neck, so when he rubs the back of his head it fluffs up his matted hair. “I, uh. I saw one of your–temporary tattoos?” Captain fucking America says, like it’s a question.

The A-bridged Guide to Trolling by galwednesday [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

“I don’t have any money.”

Oh no, now the girl looked upset. Her eyes were huge and her lip was wobbling. Bucky tried to think fast despite the oh shit oh shit oh shit looping through his head.

“That’s okay,” Bucky said gently. “I don’t need money. We can figure out another kind of toll.”

The girl frowned at him. “Like what?”

Bucky scratched his head, trying to think of something a kid was certain to have on hand. “Do you know any jokes?”

(Fantasy AU in which Steve is a hedge witch with a green thumb, Bucky is a bridge troll who's new in town, and knock-knock jokes are a viable form of currency.)

It's a bittersweet ending (if you know what I mean) by relenafanel [Stucky, 1k words, Teen]

“I’ll see you around, Steve,” Bucky answers with a smirk, moving away from the counter with a wink.

Steve watches him go. Bucky’s wearing a pair of skinny jeans coated in something to give the appearance of leather. It’s impossible to not watch him go.

stuck on you by wearing_tearing [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

“Bucky? You don’t look so hot.”

Bucky makes a tiny little sound in the back of his throat, only to start coughing. Of course he doesn’t look hot. He’s sick and he’s dying and Steve obviously isn’t attracted to him.

Decision-Making in Relationships (Paid Research Opportunity!) by castiowl [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

Clint looked thoughtfully at the flyer. “I guess your actual roommate wouldn’t be down with it?”

Bucky frowned. “Have you met Steve Rogers?”

no way out but through by hollimichele [Stucky, 9k words, Teen]

Steve never sees it coming.

you got blood on your hands (and i know it's mine) by nighimpossible [Stucky, 3k words, Teen]

Bucky refuses to see Steve after his deprogramming.

Like What You See by daisymondays [Stucky, 8k words, Teen]

For all the time Bucky’s spent fantasizing about meeting Captain America, he’d never imagined it would be while posing nude in front of a drawing class.

🌻 A Real Boy by itsnotbleak [Stucky, 5k words, Teen]

It took the Winter Soldier three weeks to remember that human beings needed to sleep and eat.

It took Steve far too long to realise the Winter Soldier was sleeping in his bed.

Amapola by chaya [Stucky, 830 words, Teen]

Total fluff. Bucky's recovering nicely. Steve's oblivious. Sometimes it's best to set aside subtlety for action.

Knocking Boots With Sugar by buckybarnesdeservestobehappy [Stucky, 4k words, Explicit]

In between summers at college, Steve Rogers wants a new adventure beyond his lonely life in Brooklyn. He ends up in West Texas working on a dude ranch where Bucky Barnes is a long-time employee. When Bucky offers to buy Steve a drink, they end up drunk on tequila and making out in public. For the rest of the summer, they're inseparable. As the summer draws to a close, Steve realizes he doesn't want to leave.

Rogers and Associate by roe87 @jro616 [Stucky, 7k words, Teen]

When they first meet, Bucky is a hooker and Steve is a cop. She's been arrested, but Steve lets her off.

Years pass and they maintain a casual friendship, seeing each other out on the streets most nights.

Though he later makes detective, Steve loses faith in the system and quits his job.

He wants to set up as a private investigator, and he asks Bucky if she'd be his assistant.

Just in time by rainbow_nerds [Stucky, 1k words, Mature]

Bucky knew the apartment he was renting was old fashioned, but walking in the front door and finding himself transported back to 1938 was not on the list of things he had prepared himself for.

🌻 You Like What's in My Head by dontcallmebree [Stucky, 15k words, Explicit] (with art by @kocuria)

Bucky can’t decide if Steve’s a tough nut to crack or incredibly easy. The timbre of his voice, a low and almost amused, “Sure, kid,” when Bucky asks for a drink feels like something gripping him on the back of his neck.

He thinks this might be one of those moments in life he’ll pinpoint in the future and either curse at for dooming himself, or remember fondly with pride.

He’s right. Bucky Barnes blunders through falling in love with Commander Rogers and tries to find a deeper meaning behind the expensive gifts and thorough fucking.

Can I Sit Here? by BuckyFrickenBarnes [Stucky, 962 words, General]

Bucky has unusual methods for getting rid of his writer's block.

Or, Bucky needs that table.

Workplace Romance by BuckyFricken Barnes [Stucky, 1k words, General]

Bucky is under the impression that his boss hates him.

Or,

Steve needs to get better at dealing with his feelings.

🌻 1-800-MAYTAG by Miss Plum @misspluckyplum [Stucky, 1k words, Explicit]

Bucky just wants to get some housework done. It gets out of hand fast. Silly little fluff and smut romp with snarky stucky boys.

Eyes of the Forest by Lordelannette [Stucky, 7k words, Explicit] (2/8 chapters available)

When Omega Bucky Barnes comes to Eagle Lake, it was in search of wolves, a creature that had not been seen in the area for decades.

What he finds instead is Steve Rogers, a handsome, though quiet Alpha who seems to be everywhere in the forest.

[darlingpwease]

I’m not well-versed in jjk stuff but man....... your Yuuta babyboy stuff is just.... chef kiss worthy. And the recent one is just xkdhdjs i’m mean, i probably get on Rika’s nerves on purpose even tho idk who that is GXKDHDJS and idk what sorcerer or curses are but i saw “you’re a strong sorcerer/curse user” and i’m like “you goddamn right i am <3 inflating my ego so perfectly why dont you hehehe” 🥴

ajshsjshssh honey, I know right <333 star has such a huge brain, I almost envy it, but I'm good at using someone else's skeleton so it's a fair deal.

shhhhhh I appreciate your words because this is my attitude to any fandom at the beginning of the journey </3 sometimes I don't even understand their names, but I just hope that everything will be fine and I will somehow cope </33

I still do that so-

Yuuta is such a baby I love him so much </333

I don't know if it's some kind of habit that I need for comfort or I'm just stroking my ego, but I need it </3 low-key don't understand how anyone can enjoy the reverse situation.

I mean, it's canon that she doesn't like girls and adult men, and then I thought, what if the part with men I understand, then with girls?.. Let's be realistic, when she realizes that you are seducing Yuuta, the most interesting thing is just beginning, with the subsequent cold war between you and her, which is interrupted only if your beloved needs help and you are forced to unite with her </33 this is a temporary truce just for him, nothing more.

so true, it's like I'm reading my own thoughts,,, I love very strong readers — just give me strength and I swear no one will get hurt. It's not even that important for the plot or the concert- just give it to me.

cute and strong deserve someone even stronger and more protective, don't they? just a little power imbalance and indulgence of the opportunity to take control at any moment — no thoughts, just facts <333

[captainstarkky]

Doom at Your Service - An Appreciation Post

Before starting this lengthy post about how I love this drama, I would just like to commend the writer - Im Meari. She has done a wonderful job with this series. I am sad that Episode 10, which was supposed to be the most meaningful episode - had the lowest ratings in Korean media.  But still the whole drama as a while was a masterpiece. What can I say? It is philosophical and poetic at the same time. It entails too many meanings and it has born too many questions.

For me, the whole series is the journey to acceptance.

And Myeol Mang represents that.

When we are faced with an imminent death or destruction, our first reaction is to get angry, frustrated. That’s a normal emotional response to a bad news for humans. If you are in the right head, you will obviously cry or either space out, unable to talk for a few minutes. That is how we get frustrated, that is how we get angry.

And remember what Myul Mang said?

“No one could love me. Everyone either resent me or wants me. Or some fear me.”

It roughly translates to layterm as: ‘...everyone resents me’ (no one wants to die) “...wants me” (some wants to die)... “or some fear me.” (everyone is afraid to die)

That’s quite familiar, right? Hmmm? Now proceed.

Now there is actually a theory that talks about grief. It is a psychological construct that has been proposed to explain why people react the way they react when posed with an information they can’t accept. It is a theory of Elizabeth Ross. She called it the 5 Stages of Grief.

According to her, whenever people experience a life changing event - either death, divorce, end of relationship - a person experiences grief and to get out of that, one needs to pass through stages. It is personal and does not entail timelines and schedule - which is harder for someone who has a terminal illness.

Now, some of you might ask: Why and how did you correlate both?

Simple. Because Myeol Mang is destruction. And Tak Dongkyung is dying - she has three months to live, to be specific, she has 50 days to live as of the 10th episode. Therefore, we can say that Tak Dongkyung is currently in this five stages that I’m talking about. 

The story is all about Tak Dongkyung accepting his faith: which is her inevitable death.

By the way, a bit of a trivia, Doom at Your Service wasn’t the only drama who discussed this theory. If you are familiar with Last Romance, the story centers with the theory as well. 

There are five stages of grief as per the theory.

Denial

Denial is the stage where a person still cannot accept the fact that he/she is dying. She may be redirecting her attention elsewhere or she’s just ignoring the fact that she is.

Actually before episode 10, Tak DongKyung is still in the spectrum of denial. She doesn’t accept the fact that she’s dying. Not talking about it is the indication. She prepares to die - writes a bucketlist, clear out whatever is holding her in the world, assures her brother, etc. - but in reality, she doesn’t want to die. She is still in the process of denying the fact that she is dying.

She is basically pushing the idea of Myung Mang to the back of her mind.

That’s why, Myul Mang wants her to speak it out. He wants her to accept it with all her heart; because that’s the only way she could fully love him.

That is also the reason why the Deity told her to LOVE HIM ‘because I created them for you, humans.’

You’re not supposed to hate death and destruction. Because in the end of everything, we are doomed to end anyway. So we got to accept it. We got to love it.

Denial is probably the hardest stage to get over to because you know that there is still a lot you can do before you finally accept it out. That’s probably the reason why she stayed there for the longest time.

Anger

Anger is when you finally considers the idea of dying - but rejects it out. No one wants to die. And if we are faced with the fact, it is only natural to get angry. But to whom?

Tak Dongkyung hated Myul Mang. And she actually makes her point on this fact during the early episodes. 

She blames him for everything - for a moment.

She might’ve been thinking: why me? And honestly I don’t blame her. Out of all the 7 billion people, you are chosen to have a hundred days to live. If I was her, I would get angry too.

But a little food for the mind: Tak Dongkyung isn’t really angry at Myul Mang. She just want to blame someone for her misfortunes, for her cancer. I mean, she is still young and has a full life to live, she still has to take care of her brother and marry him off a good woman, then all of a sudden, she got cancer. All those plans ruined just because of a few words. And a cocky guy shows up outside her apartment announcing that he’s doom - etce tera, etce tera. Again, If I was her, I would be angry at Myul Mang myself.

Because anger helps us cope.

Although she’s pass that stage now, she certainly have his fair points when it comes to getting angry at our Doom.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a temporary truce. We want our life back so we tend to do everything to get it back. Even if we have to bargain with a demon or something. Some people goes back to their faith, some people risk all their possessions to their doctors. Bottomline, we want to have a chance. A fighting chance.

The second Tak Dongkyung entered the contract with Myul Mang, she already started bargaining.

She started thinking what could be her wish. Even if she never materialized them, she thought of them. So since we are talking about wishes, here are her possible wishes:

People would forget about her when she die.

Wanting to live

Happy Ending

For Myul Mang not to get hurt when she’s gone.

End of the world.

But isn’t the wish supposed to be directed to self?

No not necessarily. If you’re in the early stages of bargaining, it might be the case. But as you move to the later stages, your perspective changes and your wishes will center more on your loved ones. You will want them not to get sad when you pass; or good health for them; good fortune. And that will eventually lead you to the fourth stage - which is depression. Because you know that your wishes for them could never come true.

Depression

This is the interesting part.

What is depression? It is the feeling of immense hopelessness especially in her case that she is dying. The fact that your short life will not leave a mark and the fact that you won’t be able t see your loved ones again - that sadness - but to the greater length. To the point of you not being able to function properly in the society.

Where did the depression start? It did not even show in the whole series.

Oh no, it did.

This is the reason why this drama is for those people who can understand social cues - therefore, intelligent people. If you haven’t seen it then it’s a good time to rerun the drama on your laptops.

Tak Dongkyung has always been depressed. She wouldn’t wish the end of the world if she is not.

From the death of her parents, from the constant thoughts of being a burden to her aunt, from her missed interviews, from his brother stopping college, from her sexist boss, from her cheating ex, from her cancer. Everything is just depressing. 

But why can’t we see it?

Depression is a psychological issue. She might present herself as a happy person but there’s no guarantee that she feels the same inside.

That makes sense.

And do you know what’s the peak of her depression? The moment she knew about her sickness. 

The same day she met our handsome Myul Mang.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage, for it only means that you are finally in the stage where you have finally made terms with your fate. It is the stage where you’re staring to realize that ‘ah, it’s really here.’

And that, my friends, is the goal of the drama.

Tak Dongkyung who’s always scared, sad, and hated her life must accept it. She must be able to accept her fate and herself. She needs to accept Myul Mang. Her death.

And to be honest, she is making a whole lot of improvement compared to when she was on the previous episodes. She was truthfully falling for Myul Mang and it means that she’s slowly accepting her death.

We can hear her say:

“I’m not scared anymore...”

On the teaser after Episode 10. It can only mean one thing, she is a step closer to acceptance.

Tak Dongkyung’s journey to self-acceptance still is not ending. She still have a few more days.

Technically, she’ll die. But I hope she will not and she will end up with Myul Mang in the end.

With that I would like to make a point: This drama is for philosophical people.

If you cannot understand what is happening, then it’s obvious that you will not be watching it. If you want skinship and lots of cute scenes, then you can watch this - Seo In-guk and Park Bo-young serves us just enough - but you still won’t get it.

You’ll think that it’s going nowhere and eventually drop the drama because all you want is fluff and love story.

I hope it’s not like that.

Just like everyone who shares their thought and theories, breakdowns in here, let us try to read between the lines on what it really wants to tell us.

You will enjoy it, I promise.

[dutchdread]

Do I think Cloud had romantic feelings for Aerith? (plottwist, the answer is yes)

Yes, you read that right, I think Cloud has romantic feelings for Aerith. Why do I think that? Well, I will tell you one thing, it's not because of the evidence, that's for sure. The debate between Tifa and Aerith often regresses into a complete denial that either of the two shipped characters has any interest what-so-ever at any time for any other character aside from perhaps disdain to the point where Cleriths will actually pretend to believe that even as a child Cloud only wanted to be friends and Tifa was just a bully. If aliens came to our planet and tried to reason out how humans experience love based on the arguments between Clotis and Cleriths, they'd probably come away believing that the full range of human romantic experience can be boiled down into 2 states of being:

1: Complete an utter disinterest. and 2: Absolute eternal love for one person and one person only. If the other side is able to show that Cloud has even the slightest level of attachment to another women the "complete disinterest" option disappears and both sides act as though option 2 is then the only one that's left. "Cloud said 'But, I’m -I mean- we’re here for you, right?", that means he wants to have ghost babies with Aerith!"

I have two reasons for assuming that Cloud had feelings for Aerith and neither have to do with any factual evidence, because there isn't any. The first is based on the facts of reality.Cloud had romantic feelings for Aerith, because Aerith exists, and Cloud is straight. That's it, end of discussion. I am going to be blunt here, Aerith is hot, and Cloud is a man. If an attractive woman talks to us and shows overt signs of interest, we're going to react to that to SOME degree, I am pretty confident in saying that Cloud even had some interest in Jessie by the time she kicked the bucket, insignificant though it may be. If you then make the girl nice, and add some magical powers to make her stand out more.....she's going to stand out.

Secondly, I think he has feelings for her because this is a video game, and people like romance. So if Cloud can have feelings for Aerith without it ruining the story, I have no doubt that SE would play into that and give the fans a bit of that satisfaction. I also think that FFVII is a story that tries to avoid perfectly clear black and white storytelling, and that if forced to choose between a clean resolution where Cloud has always been 100% dedicated to 1 girl, and the other was 100% just a red herring, or one where that's mostly true, but there is still some lingering inner conflict. Then I just assume they'd choose the second, because why not?

But not every erection deserves a mention. Not every woman that I've talked to nervously at a bar deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as the love of my life. Even if my heart did beat 100 times during that one minute.

Love isn't the temporary flood of oxytocin injected into your brain after a drunken one night stand. It's the feeling of comfortable satisfaction when you're sitting on the couch with someone you feel safe with and appreciate inside and out, because the time you spent together, and the things you've gone through together has granted you a deep understanding of who they are, and you appreciate their qualities, the good and even the bad, simply because they are THEIR qualities. The fact remains that similar to how Aeriths initial interest in Cloud came about because of his connections with Zack, any feelings Aerith has in death for the "real" Cloud are mostly remnants of the feelings she developed for a lie. The feelings might still be there, but they're not yet based on who Cloud actually is, and are therefore not yet relevant, and since she will never meet or spend time with the real Cloud, putting a lot of stock in them is absurd from a real life perspective, and bad storytelling from a fictional perspective. Similarly, I am sure Clouds heart skipped a bit when this pink bouncy magical girl put her face inches away from his. But ultimately all of that comes down to absolutely nothing if it's not something Cloud himself chooses to validate. Cloud wasn't himself, he didn't know who he was, what he appreciated in a woman, or why, and was generally all kinds of screwed up. From both a reality perspective, as well as a storytelling perspective, the idea that what Cloud felt during his fake persona should be relevant to his real persona, is ludicrous. Yes, some emotions may have carried over, but the idea that the mere existence of these emotions within real Cloud is itself enough to say that real Cloud feels that way about her, is vacuous at best. For us to talk about real meaningful romantic thoughts towards Aerith from the real Cloud, it's not enough for the emotions to exist within him, they need to COME from him as well, the lingering remnants of Soldier Clouds time with Aerith have no meaning. It's real Cloud that needs to actively think about Aerith, and consider her as a possible romantic partner, that needs to decide to look at her through a romantic lens, that needs to consider her, and decide to want her, intellectually as well as merely biologically. And I don't for a second believe that that ever happened. When Cloud became himself again, he didn't do so in isolation, alone and with nothing but free time to let his mind wander and get attached to this memory of a girl he knew while he was braindamaged. No, he 'became himself' next to, and because of, an even more attractive girl, one whom he had loved his entire life, and more importantly, had actively pursued his entire life. You don't develop feelings for a dead girl while your dream girl is right next to you, nor do you go through the mental effort required to keep the feelings you might have had for said dead girl intact. From a narrative perspective, you don't introduce a cute pink girl, designed to get people attached to her, then show the main character get attached to her, and then go " HAHA, IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM!"... But you also don't write the twist that the main character was a proxy for her ex, and that his entire sub-concious, story-arc, and basically life revolved around the other main girl that he apparently loved since he was a child, and have that be meaningless. What you write is that Cloud had some feelings for Aerith that are hard to define, but that he ends up with Tifa, the girl he loved all along, while still cherishing the memories and feelings they all shared with the pink girl, whatever they might have been.

[maddogofshimano]

Miss Tatsu Character Story

This one was voted on by the good people of Fats Clan, so here’s everyone’s favorite trainer!

Summary: Miss Tatsu is still doing the rounds on debt collection when Ichiban happens to see her in action. He tags along to help as she handles a few more cases and muses on who the worst people are.

We open with a goon harassing Miss Tatsu.

She tells them to get lost, she doesn’t have time for this, but they’re very persistent. Ichiban sees this happening and thinks that these assholes have way too much free time on their hands to harass women. (Since Ichiban is here, this must be in 2018)

Miss Tatsu just beats the guy over the head though, so it’s fine (I really hate the face the goon is making).

His lackey jumps in to defend his aniki, but he’s not sure if he should get rough... She says that that’s enough out of him, and beats him over the head too. 

Ichiban loves to see it. He comments that it looked like it hurt, and that lady really handed it to them. The now beaten goons run off. Miss Tatsu is glad that’s dealt with, and Ichiban approaches to tell her that was really cool how she kicked the hell out of those guys all on her own.

Miss Tatsu thinks Ichiban is also trying to hit on her, and tells him that he already saw what happens if he tries it. He says that he’s not trying to hit on her, he just didn’t know young ladies were so strong these days. 

Miss Tatsu says she is not young. In fact, she’s probably older than Ichiban. (She’s correct!) Ichiban is surprised, it didn’t seem like she was that old at all. The goons return, this time with another, larger goon.

Miss Tatsu’s a little miffed that no one recognizes her. It doesn’t matter, this guy bringing his crew saves her the time and effort of tracking them down. Turns out she was coming to collect on the big guy today.

Miss Tatsu: It’s obvious. If you have the money to go play around with, you have the money to pay your loan back. It’s my job to keep collecting until you’ve paid it off in full.  Goon: J-Just try it. This doesn’t concern you Miss Tatsu! Don’t think that I’m going to lose to a woman! Ichiban: Woah woah, this lady is really strong, but isn’t it cowardly to fight her two on one? Miss Tatsu: This doesn’t concern you. I can handle this on my own no problem. Ichiban: I don’t doubt it. I’m just all worked up for a fight. I’m cutting in to throw some fists. Miss Tatsu: Heh... You’re a rare kind of man these days. Sure, be my guest. I’ll borrow those fists.

<They fight the goons and obliterate them>

Miss Tatsu wants the money now, assuming he hasn’t blown it all already. He hands it over and begs for forgiveness. She complains, this is only half of what he owes. She’s going to come by later for the other half, so he better not try to run off. With that handled, she comments to Ichiban that it was a fun battle, yeah?

Ichiban is impressed with her level of violence. He finally introduces himself and asks if he should call her Miss Tatsu. She says yeah, that’s not a problem. He confirms that she’s a debt collector, based on what he just saw. She says yep, and she has been for a long time now.

He says he’s a little surprised about that, given her looks. She says that’s nice of him to say, but she’s been doing this job for decades now. Ichiban thinks “Decades...? Just how old is this lady?” Ichiban: Is the job dangerous? It seems like there could be a lot of assholes to deal with.  Miss Tatsu: That’s true. There’s a lot of trash out there that borrow money they can’t pay back. That bastard just now is a perfect example, he’d have more than enough money to pay everything back if he didn’t keep blowing it on gambling and women. Miss Tatsu: Even worse, he had a wife who was completely in the dark. That’s the kind of thing I hate most of all. Miss Tatsu: ...Say, you’ve got a pretty good punch, what do you say you work as my assistant for a bit and help me out? Ichiban: Well I gotta say I’m interested in that job, unfortunately I’m a little busy right now. Miss Tatsu: Aww, that’s too bad. Well, till we meet again then. See ya. <She leaves> Ichiban: (Miss Tatsu the debt collector, huh...)

<Part 2>

They happen to bump into each other again. Ichiban asks if she’s out collecting again.

She is, she was just about to head over right now. If he’s got time, maybe he’d want to tag along? Ichiban is glad to, he is still interested in seeing Miss Tatsu in action. They head off and find their target. It’s a homeless guy begging for food.

Ichiban: ...Hold on. There’s no way that guy could have any money, right? Miss Tatsu: Is that what you’re seeing? Well I guess you are still an amateur.  Ichiban: I guess she’s the pro here. ...Still, I don’t like this.  Homeless man: Oh... are you going to give me food- Ah! M-Miss Tatsu! Miss Tatsu: You might be acting like you’re broke, but I see right through that. Now pay your debt! Homeless man: Wh-... I really am broke! I haven’t had anything to eat today! Onlookers: Hold on... Is that lady heartless? Demanding loan payments from a homeless person... Onlookers: Debt collectors are really... the lowest of the low. Still collecting from a person like that.

Ichiban tries to intercede and stop Miss Tatsu. She says that she knows this guy has money, and rips the jacket off of him. He’s wearing a full suit underneath! Ichiban doesn’t understand.

Miss Tatsu explains that this guy had actually been homeless once, but he borrowed money and created a very successful business. He had a large income and a comfortable life, but his obsession with money kept growing. He was terrified of ever losing money, or even spending any that he had, so he started dressing like that to beg for money in the streets and reduce his spending as much as possible.

Also, he’s started referring the local homeless to an abusive temporary staffing agency just to collect the referral bonus. Ichiban says that he’s a real villain, and that he’d have a little more sympathy if the guy at least made all the money honestly.

The man snaps back, saying that neither of them know what they’re talking about! They don’t understand how scary it is to not have any money!

Miss Tatsu says that she’s not trying to take all of his fortune. If he doesn’t pay back the money he borrowed, it’s the lenders who will be in trouble. He tells her to shut up, he’s never going to give up any of his money! The goons from before show up. They want revenge on Miss Tatsu, and it turns out they’re the ones running that abusive temp agency that this guy has been referring people to! 

<They fight, and Miss Tatsu and Ichiban kick their asses>

Miss Tatsu once again demands the cash. He says that well, he doesn’t have anything on him right now... Miss Tatsu says that’s fine, for now he can just hand over everything he’s wearing. That’ll be enough to excuse today. 

He does so, stripping right in the middle of the street. Miss Tatsu says great, she’ll be back for the rest later. He better have actual money next time. He says he will, for sure, and runs off.

Miss Tatsu says that that got a little crazy, huh. Ichiban says that was fine, and even if it was, Miss Tatsu was really cool. 

“Cool? Why would you think that?”

Ichiban explains that it’s just what he feels. Being a debt collector is a job that gets a lot of people hating you. A long time ago he used to collect debts too, but he really hated doing it because of that. 

Miss Tatsu says that yeah, debt collecting has a real bad reputation. But, as long as people lend money in this town, there’s going to be people who abuse it. She can’t stand scumbags like that, so it’s satisfying to stop them. 

Ichiban says he thinks that’s what makes her cool, that she takes on a negative job like that but manages to find satisfaction in it. She says she can accept that compliment then. Since today’s job is over, she heads off. 

“(...She’s got some serious balls.)”

<Part 3>

They’ve run into each other again. Ichiban asks what’s up? She looks tense. 

She says he’s right. She’s going to collect from this guy who she can’t let get away from her. She’s psyching herself up for it. Ichiban offers to help, Miss Tatsu accepts gladly.

He asks what’s special about this target. She asks if he’s heard of people who carry multiple debts. He says yeah, those guys who borrow from a bunch of places, right? Exactly, Ichiban’s pretty knowledgeable on this stuff. This scumbag is a real piece of work, he made his younger brother sign as the guarantor and then ran off, leaving the younger brother to pay for it all.

Ichiban: That is dirty. Though, does that mean you should be collecting from the guy’s younger brother? Miss Tatsu: That’s not an option. The younger brother filed for bankruptcy.  Ichiban: ...Huh, that seems like it’s resolved.  Miss Tatsu: The younger brother is the victim here. Ichiban: A victim...? How do you mean? Miss Tatsu: He only signed because of his relationship with his brother... but his brother was a multiple debtor and had no way to afford paying the debt.   Miss Tatsu: Even more, some of the debt was delinquent enough that the courts were starting to notify him. Ichiban: Ah... Miss Tatsu: The younger brother couldn’t get in contact at all, his brother had already fled abroad. Miss Tatsu: Therefore the younger brother went bankrupt because of the debt left by his older brother, who had no intention of ever paying it.  Ichiban: Being betrayed by your family, huh... Miss Tatsu: Mhm. And with the guarantor bankrupt, there’s no choice but to collect from the debtor himself.  Miss Tatsu: Besides, I think the older brother should have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Miss Tatsu: So I’m going to go collect every penny this guy owes. Ichiban: But, does that mean you’re flying overseas for this? Miss Tatsu: About that... He’s returned home, to Kamurocho. Ichiban: So that’s what you meant about not letting him flee, because he’s finally returned to Japan? Miss Tatsu: Right, it seems like he’s here to visit his favorite hostess in all of Japan. Miss Tatsu: With that information, I’ll be able to grab him before he goes home while he’s off playing with that woman. Miss Tatsu: So you see why I can’t miss this opportunity? I’ll definitely collect on this guy, for sake of his younger brother.  Ichiban: Then I humbly offer my services. <They go to the club>

The target is there and ordering up Gold Champagne.

Miss Tatsu: Seems like you’re well to do. Why don’t you get me a drink. Man: Hm? Lady, I don’t think I requested you? But, you’re pretty so it’s totally okay!

Man: Come, sit~. Why don’t you tell this old man what you want? (Tl note: I don’t want to translate it as daddy but that might be... more accurate) Miss Tatsu: Alright then... How about you paying all of the debts you’ve racked up. Man: Wh-what..? Miss Tatsu: You’re Takeshi, aren’t you? The piece of shit that pushed all his debts off onto his family. Miss Tatsu: I’m here to collect. Takeshi: Uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about! Miss Tatsu: Oh yeah, you got amnesia? Well then, how about I refresh your memory! Miss Tatsu: Here’s the loan book of all the money you borrowed. Are you saying you don’t know what this is? Takeshi: Uh... I-I don’t know what it is! You’re... trying to scam me! Miss Tatsu: You’re the one running a scam!!! You outta know when to give up!! Takeshi: Wahhh!? Ichiban: Oooh, she snapped that table in half. That’s scary. Takeshi: M-My younger brother, collect from him! I don’t have any money left to pay back! Miss Tatsu: You brother went bankrupt. This debt is all on you. Takeshi: Wh-... shit! Hey, you all! Tag in here!

Some new goons step in to help. They think this is an interesting sight.

Takeshi tells them to shut up and help him already. He’ll pay however much they want! Miss Tatsu wonders why he would hire bodyguards if he’s so broke, and says that dirty guys like him are all the same. Takeshi says he’s not returning the money, and tells his posse to do whatever they like to this woman. He’ll give them a bonus for it afterwards!

<They fight, Miss Tatsu remains undefeated>

Miss Tatsu has dragged the man out of the club. He bemoans that this is happening to him, and blames his brother, if he hadn’t filed for bankruptcy then...

Miss Tatsu yells that he’s the one causing troubles for his relatives! He’s so damn irresponsible! Takeshi says that if the person taking the loan can’t pay it, then the guarantor is supposed to pay it instead! 

Miss Tatsu: I’m not one to force stuff, but you listen to me. I know you don’t have any way to pay off this debt right now. Miss Tatsu: Since that’s the case, your only option is to go work on a tuna boat until it’s paid off. Takeshi: W-What! I can’t...!! Miss Tatsu: What kind of man are you? Take some responsibility! Man: Miss, it’s okay. Miss Tatsu: Who are you? ...Ah, you’re Yoshikazu, aren’t you. What’s wrong? Yoshikazu: I heard from a friend that my brother was hanging around the cabaret clubs here.  Ichiban: Oh, I get it... this is his younger brother. Yoshikazu: Here... It’s not a lot, but I think it should cover the interest.

Miss Tatsu: Yoshikazu... Why are you doing this?  Takeshi: What... Why do you have money, even after bankruptcy!? Yoshikazu: You’ve got it wrong, brother. This is money from our father. Takeshi: Our.. parents...? Miss Tatsu: Yoshikazu, even still, I can’t take this money from you. You’re no longer obligated to repay these debts. Yoshikazu: No, this is a family problem. Please, I want you to take it. Yoshikazu: My brother really is a decent person. I’m sure he’ll get all the money back to you. Yoshikazu: Unless you’d rather work on the tuna boat? Takeshi: N-No... I’ll work hard! I’ll work until I can return all the money! Ichiban: Hey, he could be lying. Is it alright to trust him? Miss Tatsu: ...Yoshikazu says so. It’s not my place to say otherwise.  Yoshikazu: Thank you, Miss.  Yoshikazu: I’m going to have a lot of meetings with him to work on how best to pay back everything he owes.  Yoshikazu: Miss Tatsu... You’re a debt collector of justice. Miss Tatsu: ...Justice is stretching it. Yoshikazu: Not at all, that’s what I really think. ...Well, let’s go, brother. Takeshi: Yeah... I’m, really sorry... <They leave> Ichiban: ...Well, do you think this case is settled? Miss Tatsu: We’ll see. Did Takeshi really turn over a new leaf... I’ll have to wait and see. Miss Tatsu: Well, if he pulls something, I won’t forgive him again.  Ichiban: Haha, that’s terrifying. But I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Miss Tatsu. Ichiban: That Yoshikazu guy sure looked relieved though.  Miss Tatsu: ...Yeah, he did. That’s a first when I’m working a case. Miss Tatsu: People are thankful for the moneylenders, but no one’s been thankful for the debt collectors.  Miss Tatsu: ...Heh. Maybe debt collectors aren’t as bad as people think. <END>

Bonus facts: Miss Tatsu usually uses アタシ (atashi) which is a very feminine personal pronoun. The one exception is when she’s asking why Ichiban thinks she’s cool and she uses 私 (watashi), which is a polite pronoun that leans slightly feminine. 

I wasn’t really able to find a clear explanation, but Miss Tatsu ended a few sentences with かい, and I’m not sure if that’s a dialect or slang or a character quirk. They usually write things phonetically including slang, for example Ichiban says カッコイイ as かっけー and お前 as おめえ to match the lazy slur of the words, so it can be tricky to translate. 

[ianenjoyer]

an overly detailed analysis of every time Ian and Mickey talked about loving each other bc I love pain and angst apparently 

1. “You love me, and you’re gay.” -Ian, 3x09

So right off the bat this one was always the most shocking to me. Throughout the season, there were definitely hints that they were falling in love with each other/already in love but the fact that this is the first time we actually hear it hurts me so much. Especially because Ian was so sure. He wasn’t asking Mickey if he loves him or begging Mickey to love him. He just... knew that he did. This scene is so raw and painful and real because you just see two kids who are desperately in love with each other, but not allowed or able to show that in a healthy way, so they just end up lashing out at each other.

2. “You try sitting on your ass while the person you love--” -Ian, 3x11

Like I said: pain. So before, we heard that Ian knows Mickey loves him, but I always thought it was interesting that he focused on that instead of telling Mickey that he loves him. Because he does, and he definitely knew that. I think this speaks to Ian’s tendency to compartmentalize and only think of his emotions in terms of other people, which he does consistently throughout the show. So here we hear him admit it, but not to Mickey, and only because he’s drunk out of his mind. Ian is just one of those people that constantly keeps things bottled up inside and only deals with them when he reaches a breaking point, which he definitely did in this episode (and we see the fall out of this in 3x12).

2.5 (bc i forgot it the first time) “You love Mickey?” -Carl, 4x11

So I do think it’s really interesting that he says “I like how he smells” here instead of just saying yes. I mean I do think he likes how Mickey smells which is very adorable but he also definitely loved Mickey at this point and he was definitely aware of that. I think he didn’t say it for two reasons: one, he wasn’t ready to admit it out loud and two, he didn’t want Mickey to hear him say it. Before, being over-eager and too obvious about his feelings hadn’t been met with a good response from Mickey, so I think he was trying to avoid scaring him off, while also doing some pretty serious compartmentalization himself. This especially makes sense considering that they weren’t technically a couple here, and that Mickey had only just started admitting (through actions, not words) that what he and Ian had was about more than sex.

3. “You love him?” -Svetlana, 4x12

The dynamic between Mickey and Svet is a very interesting one, and I don’t know if anybody could ever fully pick it apart. But in this scene, you see an odd mutual understanding between them (which extends in season 5a). And what’s truly shocking is that Mickey says “maybe”, which is such a big step for him. Before, if somebody asked him that he would have completely avoided the question while probably blowing up at the person. But he says “maybe”, showing that, even if he doesn’t fully understand his feelings, he had definitely thought about it, and it doesn’t scare him like it used to. This is definitely because he came out and finally felt like he could really be with Ian without this sword hanging over his head (even though the circumstances of that weren’t great).

4. “I love you.” -Mickey, 5x06

God this one... breaks my heart. First of all, the fact that Mickey was the first one to say it would have been shocking in seasons 1-3, but it actually makes so much sense in season 5. Over and over again this season, Mickey’s shown that he loves Ian, but the fact that he can only say it when he thinks he’s losing Ian, and that it’s obvious he didn’t mean to say it, shows that he still hasn’t fully come to terms with his feelings, no matter how strong they are. 

5. “You used to love me--now you don’t even know who I am.” Ian, 5x12

This one is almost identical to #1, except with the added piece that Ian no longer thinks he deserves to be loved. This one is so fascinating to me, because it shows, once again, that Ian projects his emotions onto other people instead of dealing with his own feelings. He tells Mickey that he used to love him, even though there’s been no indication from Mickey that he no longer loves him. He says that Mickey doesn’t know who he is when, really, he’s the one that doesn’t know who he is. He put words into Mickey’s mouth, because that’s what he believed to be true, and I really don’t think that at this point anything could have convinced him otherwise. The lack of self-worth that comes with having a mental illness is so debilitating and all-consuming that no amount of reasoning from Mickey would have done much to convince him that he deserved what Mickey was offering to give him. 

6. “I love you.” -Mickey, 5x12

So while we have Ian telling Mickey that he used to love him, Mickey counters by just saying how he feels to his face. I think that seeing Ian go though what he went through, and almost losing him like three times made it so that Mickey could no longer deny his feelings. But like I said, Ian had it so cemented in his mind that he was doomed and fucked for life, that I don’t think anything could have gotten through to him at this point. And of course at this point Noel left the show, so we never got to see what could have happened between them if Mickey had stayed. (I 100% think they would have gotten back together sometime in late season 6 after Ian reached a stable place again but whatever).

7. “I love you.” -Ian, 7x11

Fuck. 7x10 and 7x11 are such bittersweet episodes because while it does make it so clear that Ian and Mickey are the loves of each others lives, it’s also when they thought they would never see each other again. What’s extra sad it that this is the first time we’ve ever heard Ian say this. And it’s a goodbye. The only time Ian can really face his emotions head on is when he’s forced to, and he was definitely forced to here. He loves Mickey. He knows Mickey loves him. But that didn’t really matter here, and it’s so tragic, but also really realistic. As for Mickey, he doesn’t even seem surprised--because he wasn’t. He wouldn’t have asked Ian to come if he didn’t know he loved him. This scene is extra heartbreaking because of that. This whole thing just serves as a reminder that sometimes love isn’t enough, and that sometimes there are forces bigger than any two people at play, which I think has always been a central idea to their story.

8. “I love you.” “I know, love you too.” Ian and Mickey, 10x03

Mutual ‘I love you!!!! It took like 10 years but it finally happened. They say it like they’ve said it a thousand time before, which makes me think that it’s definitely not the first time they’ve said it. There’s not really much to talk about here except that finally they’re allowed to love each other. Sure it’s not an ideal situation, but it is one where there are no forces actively working to keep them apart, which is so wonderful. When Ian and Mickey are allowed to just be, they work so well. Even though they’re saying goodbye here, it’s not a real one, not like the break up or the border. It’s temporary and they both know that so for once, them saying ‘i love you’ is a happy (or at least bittersweet) thing instead of the tragedy it was all of the other times.

9. “I love you…and I trust you.” -Ian, 10x08

Remember that quote where Fiona tells Jimmysteve that to her (and all the Gallaghers) trust is bigger than love? Yeah. Anyways his scene is tough because while I don’t think Ian was necessarily lying about genuinely wanting to marry Mickey and the legal stuff just being bonus, I do think he was downplaying the importance, both to himself and Mickey. And at the courthouse, once the bonus of spousal privilege wasn’t needed, he definitely started to realize the magnitude of the situation and what connotations marriage held for him. I mean marriage isn’t something you should just decide on a whim, no matter how much you love somebody and I think he realized that the second the impending threat was gone.

10. “Mickey, I love you!” -Ian 10x08

This is him making it as clear as possible to Mickey that it’s marriage that’s the problem, not him. He saw how heartbroken Mickey was when he didn’t sign the papers, and was basically doing damage control at this point. The problem was, Mickey couldn’t see through his initial heartbreak to really listen to what Ian was saying, or try to understand where he was coming from. I think that Mickey is an incredibly understanding person, but this was just one time too many for him.

11. “You’re just saying you don’t love me enough now.” -Mickey, 10x09

This is probably the first time we’ve ever seen Mickey question Ian’s feelings for him. I think that at the courthouse, he was just so blatantly reminded of the break up and the border that he wasn’t thinking rationally. He was so terrified at the prospect of Ian not choosing him, that he couldn’t listen to Ian’s (pretty reasonable) explanation for why he didn’t get married. However, I don’t think he really believed what he was saying, especially because of how petty he was being with Byron, and how obvious he made it that he would instantly go back to Ian if he proposed. But it still is really sad that he was reminded of that all over again after believing that he and Ian were gonna get married and that he was never going to have to worry about that again.

12. “How do you know you love me?” -Ian, 10x09

I’ve written a meta on this before but here I go again. He’s once again assuming that Mickey couldn’t possibly love him--that he couldn’t possibly want to be with him forever. Not because Mickey’s done anything to indicate that, but because that’s what he thinks Mickey should feel. He genuinely can’t believe that Mickey would want to be with somebody like him, especially because of what he saw with Monica and the way she destroyed relationship after relationship (both romantic and familial). I don’t think he sees himself as being all that different from Monica, so even though that’s definitely not something Mickey would ever care about, it weighs on him heavily (and probably always will). This whole thing just so directly parallels the break up, and it’s so sad to think that, after everything, Ian still doesn’t think he’s worthy of the kind of love Mickey has for him.

13. “I love you Mickey Milkovich. More than anything.” -Ian, 10x10

More than anything!! God, the proposal was a little underwhelming but this line!! It’s Ian choosing to get past all of his doubts because his love for Mickey is bigger to him than they could ever be. Like I said, I don’t think he’ll ever fully be over his insecurities, but he can definitely choose to let Mickey in and have hope that they can work through it together. And even though Mickey knew that Ian loved him and was basically just biding his time, it must have felt amazing for him to hear it put so clearly like this.

14. “Look I love you. I love you.” -Mickey, 10x12

First of all, the way he says it is so amazing. Second of all, there isn’t much to say about this except that it’s so indicative of his growth. Like he went from being closeted and terrified, to blurting out how he feels in a room full of people. That is such a beautiful thing and I get really emo whenever I think about it. 

15. “To love and to cherish you ‘til death do us part.” -Ian and Mickey, 10x12

I actually really love that they used traditional vows for their wedding. So much of their relationship was complicated and hard, so to have something very simplistic but meaningful as their vows was so perfect. And the way they say them... they’re being so sincere and so honest. They really mean what they’re saying. They love each other!! And they’re married!! Wow!! That’s all I have to say about this.

[recurring-polynya]

In tHiaM, Renji mentioned a fictional fateful encounter in which he and Rukia met in the circus. I can picture this deeply. The Rukon has circuses. It has gritty knife throwers, it has scrappy beast tamers, it has a lovely doe-eyed tightrope walker who does stunts so dangerous your hair'd turn white just watching her. It is for Renji's birthday so he should get Rukia being extremely badass and saving his life from a rampaging circus bear. Ideally, Kenpachi is there.

A lot of times, I’ll have some idea for a story, and I’ll do a bit of research and find out that the thing I wanted to do absolutely does not exist in Japanese culture, and I was completely sure that when I dug into it, Japanese circuses would not be a thing, or they would be extremely different from Western circuses, but as it turns out, circuses were absolutely a thing in the Edo era, and they had acrobats and strongmen and horseriding and more. I had so many tabs open about circuses, and almost none of it actually made it into this fanfic.

Anyway, THANK YOU ALOPEX, you know what I like to write, and what I like to write is Renji telling rambling stories of questionable veracity. I put in some lifting for good measure. This might be the most perfect Renji birthday story.

If it isn’t immediately evident, this takes place in the middle of the Advance Team Arc, or more specifically, in the middle of my Advance Team Arc story, See You on the Other Side, where Renji tells Chad a different RenRuki origin story that’s basically the desert bandit subplot from Crouching Tiger, and also a story about bees.

Read on ao3 | ff.net

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Renji hefted the last bumper plate onto the end of the barbell and tightened the collar. Chad watched him with narrowed eyes.

“You sure you want to try this?” Renji asked. “One thousand pounds. It’s the weight limit for this bar. Once you beat this, we gotta go back to Urahara’s place and pick up big rocks.”

Apparently, Chad worked part time at his gym, which meant he had a key, which meant that he and Renji could go in at two a.m. so that Renji could teach him how to lift absurd amounts of weight with his reiatsu. It was pretty convenient, as long as you didn’t mind lifting weights at two a.m. Renji loved lifting weights at two a.m.

“You just don’t want to tell me another story,” Chad replied, flexing his shoulders in anticipation.

“Whatever, I got a million of them.” Renji took a few steps backward.

Chad flared his nostrils and stepped up to the barbell. He squatted down and curled his fingers around the grip. He took three deep breaths as he stared straight again. Leading with his hips, he straightened up in a smooth, textbook perfect movement, the sinews in his neck popping out, the air around him boiling with power.

Renji wished he could drag Chad over to Squad Six, so those spoiled weenies could see what hard work actually looked like.

Chad dropped the weight and a huge breath burst out of him, his eyes widening in relief. “I did it,” he gasped.

“You did it, buddy!” Renji shouted, pointing at the barbell. “You’re a machine! You didn’t even make it look hard!”

“It was hard,” Chad managed.

“I don’t believe it!” Renji continued. “One thousand pounds! You’re incredible, dude!”

“What do you mean, you don’t believe it? You told me to do it.”

“I mean, when I told you we were gonna work for the big one-kay, it was, you know, a stretch goal. I didn’t expect you to get there so fast!”

“You said you would tell me another story when I hit it! I assumed it was a reasonable goal.”

“I keep making unreasonable goals and you keep hitting them, so I’m just sort of winging it, now, t’be honest! I’m actually really bothered how much you are motivated by my dumb stories. If I had any human money, I would just offer to buy you tacos or something.”

“I can make my own tacos. I like the stories.”

Renji sighed. They didn’t have tacos in Soul Society and he was determined to eat as many tacos as he possibly could while he was stationed in the Living World. “Go get cleaned up, and I’ll put the weights away and try to decide which story to tell you this time. I did bring us some protein shakes. I can’t vouch for them, because they’re made out of stuff I found in the Shouten, but it’s important to get some calories in you after lifting. ”

“I’m sure they’re fine. I like your protein shakes. Oh, and I know which story I want to hear--how you met Rukia.”

Of course he did.

Renji was a man of many stories. He had so many good stories. He had Inuzuri stories that were full of mischief and dirtbaggery. He had Squad 11 stories that were full of headbutting and idiocy. He had interesting stories about his clever friends Izuru and Momo and funny stories about his goofy friend Shuuhei and horrible stories about his horrible friends Iba and Madarame. But Chad had asked him once how he met their mutual friend Kuchiki Rukia, a very reasonable and natural thing to ask, and Renji had responded with a ridiculous story that was very obviously not true. Now, all Chad wanted to hear was ostentatious lies about how he, Abarai Renji, had met the incomparable Kuchiki Rukia.

Renji racked his brain as he racked Chad’s weights. This would probably make the eighth or ninth Renji-Rukia origin story, he’d honestly lost count. He was running out of material. There was a bulletin board next to the weight storage rack, covered with flyers for a weightlifting tournament in Naruki City, the Karakura High kendo team, tumbling lessons. Renji stared at the picture of the girl in the sparkly leotard on the last one. He thought about how he and the gang used to make up stories of how they were gonna make it out of Inuzuri some day. He thought about Rukia’s absolute favorite, the one she told over and over, the way it got bigger and sparklier every time she told it.

Chad returned, a tracksuit zipped overtop his workout clothes. “Need help?” he asked.

“This is the last one,” Renji replied, hefting it up onto the shelf. “You can put the bar away, though.”

Chad did.

It was kinda nice, Renji thought, being in a gym in the middle of the night with Chad. It reminded him of hunching over his dorm room desk across from Izuru, cramming for written exams. It reminded him of achy muscles in a dim Fifth Company dojo, trying to figure out the mechanics of Zabimaru’s shikai deep into the wee hours. It reminded him of long runs with Ikkaku as the sun was just peaking over the city walls. The hours between dusk and dawn were a pretty good time for doing things, in Renji’s opinion.

“So, did you remember? How you met her?”

“Of course I remember!” Renji protested. “You think I would forget something like that?”

“You do get hit on the head a lot,” Chad rumbled gently and it took Renji a moment to realize he just got dragged. Chad was actually a really funny guy, you just had to pay attention.

Renji plopped down on a pile of mats and started rummaging around in his backpack for the two bottles of questionable nutritional substance he had mixed up earlier. “Well, I certainly remember the time I ran away from home and joined the circus, I’ll tell you that.” It was a good opening line, and he paused a few seconds to get the full effect.

“The circus?” Chad echoed skeptically, sitting down next to Renji and accepting his smoothie.

“The circus,” Renji replied after taking a long swig. It was very, very strawberry flavored. “So. I think I mentioned once that when I died I got sent to the shit-end of Rukongai. District 78 of the Southern Quadrant, where your best hope is to die soon and catch an express trip back to the Living World. I was too dumb and stubborn for that, though, so I was always on the lookout for a way out. Now, it’s pretty hard to move between districts in Rukongai-- it’s illegal without a special permit, see, and special permits get harder to get the further out you go. But there are a few kinds of permits that allow you to travel all up and down Soul Society, and one of those is for entertainers.”

This was more-or-less true. It was true in theory, but travelling shows never made it out to the deep Rukon-- there was no profit in it. Rukia used to swear up and down that a circus had made it to Inuzuri once, basically just passing through on their way to capture wild animals from the magical wilderness past the end of District 80, but she had seen it. Rukia was older than the rest of them, and she used to talk about it in such nauseating detail that they had no choice but to believe her.

“When I saw the posters plastered up all over town, my first thought was that it was an opportunity to pick up some quick kan as temporary labor. My primary job skill at the time was picking up heavy objects, you see, perhaps moving them from place to place. Circuses always need help with set up and tear down. I mean, do I look like a theater kid?”

Chad stared at him pointedly.

“I don’t know why I asked that,” Renji quickly corrected, “but also, keep in mind that I am Like This because I was in the circus, not the other way around. Anyway, my instincts were correct, and I found myself gainfully employed, carting crates and also tying and untying knots, another of my many talents. But then two things, or rather two someones made me decide that I needed to hitch my star to this ridiculous pageant. The first, I will admit, was a complete castle in the sky, but what is being an adolescent boy about if not chasing after hopeless dreams?”

Chad frowned. “Well. There’s school.”

“There is no school in Inuzuri, actually, and perhaps that would have kept me out of trouble, but instead, I became absolutely entranced by the glittering star of the show-- a tightrope walker of exceptional agility, grace, and beauty. Her most defining characteristic, though, was her audacity. There was no trick too dangerous for her. She somersaulted through hoops of fire. She juggled daggers. She’d stop halfway across the tightrope, pull out a tokkari, and pour herself a saucer of sake and drink it, while the audience gasped.”

“It was Kuchiki,” Chad guessed, the corner of his mouth tipping up into his shy grin.

“It was Rukia,” Renji agreed, “but imagine Rukia in head-to-toe spangles, with bells in her hair and glitter painted around her eyes, 20 feet in the air. She was unreal. She was an apparition, a spirit. I was desperate to meet her.”

“Did you?” asked Chad.

“Chad,” said Renji.

“What?”

“Did you just… did you just ask me if I ever managed to meet Rukia? Your friend and mine, Kuchiki Rukia? In the middle of this story about how I met Rukia?”

Chad thought for a moment. “It’s two a.m. and I just deadlifted a thousand pounds.”

“That’s fair, and the answer is yes, eventually, I did meet Rukia and she saved me from being eaten by a bear, but we’ll get to that. Are you drinking that protein shake?”

“Oh, sorry! It’s really good, I just keep forgetting because this story is a good one.” Chad took a long sip. “Hey, Abarai?”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry to interrupt again, but I have a question about the bear.”

“The bear is later.”

“Yeah, I realize that, but does the bear die?”

“Huh?”

“I’m just asking up front, because I don’t like stories where animals die, and if the bear gets hurt or dies, maybe could you skip over that part?”

“Oh! No, the bear is fine. Well, he’s probably reincarnated back into a living bear by now, he was pretty old even then. I exaggerated a little to make it sound dramatic, he probably wouldn’t have eaten me in any case.”

“Okay, you can go back to the story now, I just wanted to make sure. Thank you.”

“No, no, it’s cool. I’m glad you checked in.” Renji took a deep breath through his nose and mentally rearranged his story so that Rukia no longer defeated the beast in a dramatic knife fight. “Right. So, as I said, there was a second person at the circus who influenced me greatly and that was the most famous strongman in the entire Rukon, Zaraki Kenpachi--”

“Wait, Captain Zaraki? Big guy? With the bells in his hair?”

Oh, shit. “Uh, yeah. That’s a circus thing, you know. Hair bells. You, uh, know Captain Zaraki?”

“Yeah, Orihime made friends with him, and he broke us out of prison, but then we split up because there was someone he wanted to fight.”

“That sounds like him. Anyway, yeah, he’s in this story, too. I used to be in his squad, you know?”

“I gathered that from the way Madarame and Ayasegawa talk to you.”

“He helped me get in the Gotei, you see. Because of our time together in the circus. That’s a different story, though, we’re focusing on circus times, here. He wasn’t even the Kenpachi, yet, actually. One of the reasons he’s so strong is because before he was a fighter, he lifted things, heavy things. He did all the typical strongman stuff-- bending iron bars, biting through teacups, tearing packs of cards in half, but his most famous trick was balancing bamboo poles on his shoulders and then various acrobats and other performers would scramble up on them and do tricks from on top of him. He was wildly popular, pictured on all the posters. People would come to the circus just to see him. I did not have a lot going for me at this point of my life, but I was strong, and when I saw this guy, it occurred to me that if I could get him to take me on as some sort of apprentice, I might finally be able to use my strength to get out of that shitty town.”

“Seems like a good plan.”

“It did. It seemed like a good plan, except that Zaraki had a very busy schedule of getting drunk and napping when he wasn’t lifting things, and he was absolutely not interested in Inuzuri punks who had been hired to move crates around.”

“So, what did you do?”

“Well, speaking of Inuzuri punks, I may have been a fairly honest and hardworking fellow, but one day, a couple of my reprobate neighbors decided to sneak in and try to get a glimpse of some of the wild animals. The fellow who looked after the menagerie was a little guy by the name of Mameji. Very kind and loved the animals deeply, but not very good at standing up for himself. I barely knew him, but I don’t like bullies, and I owed most of those guys a punch in the nose anyway. Mameji was pretty grateful for the solid I did him and asked if there was any favor he could do me in return. Naturally, I asked if he knew Zaraki, but unfortunately, he was terrified of the guy, so I told him I was just happy to do a good deed and make a friend.”

“You should have asked him if he knew Rukia. Rukia likes animals.”

“You’re very smart, Sado, but remember that this story is about me, not you. It didn’t matter anyway, because the next day, he comes to find me and says there’s someone who wants to talk to me. I can’t imagine who he means, aside from holding out hope that maybe he did know Zaraki after all and was just slow-rolling me.”

“But it was Rukia.”

“It was. Mameji leads me over to the area where the animals are kept, and there, in a blue kimono embroidered with silver stars and crystals in her hair, was The Fearless Rukia.” Rukia’s circus stories were usually at least seventy-five percent descriptions of her outfits, and Renji felt obligated to keep up that detail. “‘You helped my friend out,’ she says to me. ‘I appreciate that.’ And I replied something very smooth and suave, like, ‘I like the way you do cartwheels’ or possibly just “Guuuuuuh.’ And then she says, ‘I hear you’re interested in Zaraki, what’s up with that?’ and as you know, I’m much better at talking about muscle stuff, so I explain about picking up heavy things and Inuzuri and my ambition to join the circus and she just listens carefully, nodding from time to time. She makes me pick up a few barrels and then Mameji, for good measure, and finally, she nods and says, ‘You’re pretty strong and I like your hair. Come back here tomorrow. I’m going to help you impress Zaraki.’”

Chad’s eyes sparkled with anticipation.

“So, the next day, I came back, like she said, and Mameji was there, too and they’ve got this big sack of yams. I’ve told you before about eatin’ in Soul Society, right?”

Chad nodded and belatedly took another gulp of his shake.

“My initial thought was that they were gonna try to bulk me up. Raw yams may not sound very exciting to you, but after years of living on near-moldy rice and the occasional sad vegetable or bony fish, I was watering at the mouth. ‘You’re gonna feed these yams to Sunny,’ says Rukia. ‘Who?’ says I. ‘His stage name is Brawler,’ says Rukia, ‘But he’s a good boy so Mameji and I call him Sunny. It’s a joke. Because he’s a moon bear.’ Brawler, you see, was the second scariest thing in the circus, right after Zaraki-- the biggest, ugliest moon bear you can possibly imagine, probably 200 kilograms. A lot of circus bears do tricks-- balance on balls or some shit, but Brawler’s only trick was looking mean as Hell. Sometimes they’d throw him a deer haunch and he’d eat it in a real gross way, I guess people like seeing stuff like that. I, like most people growing up on the southern border of the Rukon, had a healthy fear of large carnivores, but I had a much larger fear of looking like a weenie in front of Rukia, and I was determined I was gonna do whatever she told me to. The first time wasn’t so bad-- I just tossed the yams in and he snuffled over and gave me the hairy eyeball before snorfling them up. We did that the next day, too, but the day after that, Mameji took me into his enclosure to give him his yams. I was a little surprised, you see, because I would have expected a bear like that to eat meat or something like that, but he sure did like those yams.”

“Moon bears are omnivores,” Chad supplied. “They like sweet things.”

“You’re right, and I later found out that Sunny did get meat and other stuff at other times of day, but yams were his absolute favorite thing. Again, Rukia did not tell me this, because Rukia often neglects to tell me important things. I found all of this to be absolutely terrifying, and I probably would have given up and stuck to my crate moving, except that Rukia and Mameji were just about the nicest and amazing people I had ever met. They let me hang out with them for a bit and they told me stories about traveling with the circus and I told them about Inuzuri. They introduced me to their other friends, Fujimaru, who could do all sorts of knife throwing tricks, and Kosaburou, who had the most beautiful singing voice you could possibly imagine. By the time Rukia asked me to give Sunny the yams right out of my hand, I was doin’ it, not because I was desperate to get out of Inuzuri, but because I was desperate to do anything to stay with my new friends.”

Renji paused and pretended to be interested in his protein shake. Usually, he tried to fill these stories with a lot of daring-do and badassery, but he’d gotten a little off-track when had to junk his big exciting Rukia versus Bear fight scene. All he could think of was lying around the squat on miserable rainy days, one-upping each other with stories about their ridiculous circus acts. He hadn’t thought about those days-- hadn’t let himself think about those days-- in years. What a sap he was turning into. Maybe it was because Rukia was back in his life. Maybe it was because there was a war coming, a war he might not make it through. Maybe it was because it was two a.m.

“I know how that feels,” Chad said very quietly, so quietly that Renji almost didn’t catch it, and it occurred to Renji that maybe sometimes it helped to hear a sappy story at 2 a.m.

Renji snorted softly. “So, the day before the circus was set to pack up, Rukia explains her big plan to me. Up until now, I’ve sort of been assuming that this is all an exercise in building courage or some gonzo shit like that, but it turns out it’s very straightforward. Zaraki’s dream the whole time he’s been in the circus is to pick up Sunny as part of his act, except that Sunny has zero interest in being picked up and ends up chewing on Zaraki’s head every time he tries. If Zaraki had ever bothered asking Mameji for help, maybe he could have tried the old yam trick himself, but then this wouldn’t be much of a story.

“I wait ‘til the big guy is done with his nap and is prepping for the night’s performance, inventorying his lead pipes and such, and I go up to him and I say, ‘Zaraki the Great, I am very strong, you should take me on as your apprentice!’ Now, Rukia had seen people do this to him before, and she knew that he always came back with ‘Oh, yeah? Do something to impress me, then.’ Of course, I was prepared, and I said, ‘I am going to pick up Brawler, would that do it?’ and Zaraki laughs in my face and says ‘If you can do that, I will definitely take you on, kid.’”

Chad’s face had split into a huge grin and he leaned forward in anticipation.

“We go over to Sunny’s pen, and of course, Mameji’s already given him his dinner and he’s feelin’ real fat and happy when he sees his old yam buddy Renji coming. I slip him a yam that I had tucked in my sleeve and I start rubbin’ his side, which is a thing we’d been practicin’. He leans into it, ‘cause he was a big, itchy boy, and I just… flipped him and picked him up like a baby.” Renji made a scooping motion to demonstrate. Chad’s face absolutely lit up. “He was incredibly heavy and also he did not really like that,” Renji continued, “but I put him down right away and gave him another yam and he forgave me. Zaraki was laughin’ his ass off, but he kept his word and got me signed on as a Strongman-in-Training. We went on to have many more adventures, both me an’ Zaraki and me an’ Rukia an’ Mameji an’ Kosaburou and Mameji.”

“And Sunny.”

“Sunny continued to be a hideous, angry bear for the crowds, but I kept giving him yams and never picked him up again and we were great friends for the time we spent together in the circus.”

Chad sat back, smiling his usual inscrutable smile. “Thank you, Abarai. That was a really good one.”

Renji cocked an eyebrow at him. “Was it?”

“Yes. It had friendships and a nice bear and I felt like Rukia would really appreciate the effort you put into describing all her outfits. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t true, but it was a good story.”

Renji heaved a big sigh, as though he’d honestly thought Chad was gonna buy it this time. He stretched his arms and legs out in front of him. “Let’s go home. I could go for a few hours of sleep before the Shouten Shouting starts. You’re taking a rest day tomorrow, but don’t forget to stretch.”

“The last time I had a rest day, you came over and you taught me some stuff about reiryouku.”

“Did I?” Renji frowned.

“Can we do that again? You said you would try to explain how flash step works.”

Shit, he did remember promising that. He’d just gotten overenthusiastic because it was nice to be the guy who knew things for a change. On the other hand, he also remembered the enthusiasm of going to school for the first time and wanting to know everything, and could hardly fault Chad for the same. “Sure,” he agreed. “After noon.”

“Let’s make it noon,” Chad amended. “I’ll make you tacos.”

“That,” replied Renji, “is a deal.”

[thattimdrakeguy]

Not exactly Tim related but if I may confess something: Regarding Barbara Gordon, in particular her own romances, I tend to lean on either Dinah Lance aka Black Canary or probably most of all the mostly obscure character of Jason Bard. Mainly no mater who she ends up with in an endgame for romance, it's just...I kinda bit disagree with the idea of Dick being the one and true love Barbara ever had, especially when some writers (get ready for some Chuck Dixon badmouthing here in spite of the fact he's Tim's most well known writer) have a tendency to make it as if Dick's other romantic pursuits, ESPECIALLY with Starfire, were merely roadblocks or at best temporary compared to his feelings with Babs when if you actually read those comics, no that was genuine, Dick legitimately loves Kory. But that type of writing of 'Babs being the real true love soulmate as if it was their destiny being together and Kory along with supposedly Donna, Huntress and all others are just nothing to him in comparison (see the famous trains surfing issue of Nightwing for that)' Dixon and others peppered both in the Nightwing book and wherever Batbook Dick appeared in throughout the 90s never sat well with me, in regards to Dick and Babs relationship. It could be more personal biases spilling all over here, but I've always seen those two as more or less pseudo-siblings with a liking of adventure and a common goal of proving themselves as their own heroes, equal in position to Batman himself.

I apologize, I didn't mean to rant like that and as I said it's not exactly Tim related but I felt I had to share that somehow. My apologies otherwise

Honestly go ahead and badmouth Dixon. He might've written some really good comics, but he's still who he is, and still has made some poor choices in his comics. Particularly his idea of romance.

His idea of romance is--boy and girl next to each other? Romantic tension.

How complexxx.

But Dixon kind of goes about thing like a fandom stan. He gets ships and he goes for it. Sometimes even making his own O.Cs! (Which yea, technically almost EVERY romantic interest of a character is an O.C. but like jeezus the way he went so heavy for it.)

And people can ship what ever. I'm not gonna say that--mainly 'cause people would eat me alive...maybe--probably...honestly, I don't know, I might be a drama prince. (Prince is cuter than queen.)

HOWEVER, I am alongside you. I'm not a big fan of DickBabs. Something about Babs originally being much older, and aging her down to be with Dick...just feels very wrong to me. She's still a bit older than Dick, but it used to be a NOTABLE difference. Them doing that makes it just...irky...

Plus after building up Dick and Kori THAT MUCH. It just feels really forced to me. They might as well have put Dick and Kori. Dick was going through an era of finding out what the character is like after a lot of years of either being nothing above basic archetype or a bit off to the side lines. So they feel bonded together in that way as well.

And no worries. Rant about what ever. I just enjoy talking about stuff.