#i mean there was a split second where i was like wth??

[sweetwinter]

I read the incoherent sentence fragments that I emailed myself at butt o'clock as fic notes and when I opened them just now I remembered what I meant by them

may all of your notes be as easily deciphered!!!

[voidcat]

ok ok so here it is. i know you said it might be too long for an ask but i didn’t know where else to send it. sorry, i’m a little dumb when it comes to these things. anyways this is not a request for you to write anything btw but i got my hair cut and it gives me sooo good gender euphoria so i just had this thought and like i needed to share it with you.

tw: very little self harm, relapsing mentions

dazai realized something was different with you. something has changed. or maybe it was always like that but he started to realize it just now.

first, you started to steal borrow his clothes more often. surely you just liked to wear his clothes and who was he to deny you when you looked so good in his clothes, also showing everyone that you were in a relationship with him.

then you cut your hair even shorter. it looked good on you. it was a really cool style and it fit your face perfectly. also in his eyes everything would look good on you. he didn’t think too much about why you cut it all of a sudden. he thought you got tired of that length. or you just got bored of that old style. at least that’s what you told him. he didn’t pry too much. even when he knew that you didn’t tell him the whole truth.

then you started to spend more time on “men’s” section when you two went to shopping. he asked you once. you simply told him, “it’s just that they’re more comfortable. and the designs are much much better. like look at this.” you showed him the ugliest christmas sweatshirt anyone can see, from the “women’s” section. with the ugliest shade of the colors and unnecessary amount of glittery shapes and lots of reindeers. “like why is there so many reindeers?! or why would you use this shade of green?! they make me hate my favorite color for fucks sake. and this is only one of the million examples.” he only chuckled at your furious rambling and nodded his head in agreement. and it’s not like you never shopped from “women’s” section anyways. tho he never cared about which section you wore from. it didn’t matter to him as long as you were comfortable.

there was also one time where he caught you joking about “how handsome you looked” while you were checking yourself in the mirror. your hair freshly trimmed to it’s regular length. his ‘oversized’ (it’s not actually oversized. he’s just so unnecessarily long smh) sweater and your baggy sweatpants on you. he came up behind you, wrapping his slender arms around you and putting his head into the crook of your shoulder. he told you, “yes, yes you look really ‘handsome’, my pretty girl.” he didn’t miss your smile falling for a split second and the fakeness of your chuckle when you ‘agreed’ with him. how could he? when you two were almost the same person. but he couldn’t pinpoint the reason why. he didn’t ask you.

then one day, you tried to hide your chest. like you were kinda… disgusted by it? i mean he liked boobs (who doesn’t) and especially if it’s your boobs… oh boy… and he thought that they looked completely great. so why did you try to hide it? were you insecure about them? did you think they don’t look good? and even then why would you try to completely get rid of them instead of something different? he asked you one day. very carefully of course. he knew it might be a sensitive topic. you thought of answering him truthfully. telling him everything. but you got scared. scared that he may look at you in a different way. you knew that he wasn’t a transphobe. because he’s not an idiot. but you couldn’t shake the thought of him not liking you anymore. not looking at you the same way. so you just told him it’s because you got tired of creeps on the streets gawking at your chest. a lie. not completely. but a lie. he knew. but he didn’t say anything. he knew that you knew that he knew you’re lying. (wth was this sentence) he didn’t say anything. just told you to tell him if someone was making you uncomfortable next time.

but one day. oh, what a day it was… your dysphoria got so bad. it was already a shitty day. you couldn’t take it. you wanted to disappear. you even went back to relapsing. he found out. oh, of course he did. he took care of your scars, comforted you. in both of your’s ‘unique’ way. it wasn’t how a person would’ve comfort another one who relapsed. it was just two mentally ill idiots finding comfort in each other’s warmth. after some time you talked to him. because if you didn’t tell him then, you knew you would never be able to again. you told him about how you didn’t feel like a woman even tho you were born ‘as one’. how you didn’t know if you were actually a trans man or if you were genderfluid. or hell, maybe something completely else! you told him everything. everything you could. he listened. he didn’t say anything. but he made sure you knew he listened. then he thought to himself. how couldn’t he connect the dots? especially when he payed close attention to everything you do, you feel. especially when he witnessed chuuya going through similar things when he was still in the pm. (yes chuuya is trans in my hc s) you guys then talked about it more. and he told you that you’re you and he loves you no matter what and bla bla bla, all those things.

after all these he started to be more careful with his choose of words. he talked to you about what you were comfortable and what you weren’t and he acted according to that while still not making you feel different or bad…

and that’s it from my brain bc i can’t write good, normal fucking endings🙂 this was so long omg. thank you if you actually did read until here. it’s very self-indulgent (?), yes. but i couldn’t take this thought out of my head. and i normally hc dazai as genderfluid. but for the sake of this drabble (can i call this a drabble??) he’s a cis man 😔

-🍪 anon

Thank uuuu for sharing this with me dear!

Sorry I am returning so late w so much happening in the past few days that I forgot to finish reading this

This bit: it was just two mentally ill idiots finding comfort in each other’s warmth basically my fave thing w dazai to write and think about eheheheh also yeahhh the euphoria getting a short hair gives is>>>>>>. I felt this fic

Again, ty for sharing this w me since this is a self indulgent piece, I liked it lots:))) (also hell yea trans chuu<3)

[captaintroi]

Why is Supergirl being such an ass around Lena?

Poor Lena is getting whiplash from Kara’s split personality around her!  I think forget the fight for Lena’s soul, it should be a fight for Kara’s sanity that girl needs some therapy with Kelly!  Every single damn time the cape comes on so does the attitude and the lack of comprehension when they disagree.  How the hell is Lena supposed to understand where she’s coming from when she makes no effort to communicate properly.  Sorry but saying “I have to use Myriad to find some people,” even though she previously stated it was too dangerous for anyone to use, is NOT and explanation when your entire argument with Lena is based on trust issues, if she’d taken a minute to explain it better instead of being dismissive and short, she would have had Lena helping her, there is no doubt about it Lena wants to believe in her again.  She basically said it to Lex “if Supergirl is using Myriad I want to see it for myself,” because based on their interaction at Catco she was starting to have hope, she admitted as much in the fortress. “I was sincere with you yesterday.”  In other words why are you betraying my trust in you again.   Lena was ready to move forward at Catco it was written all over her, but Kara didn’t say anything else so she left.  Don’t get me started on the fact that at Catco Kara was apologetic over calling Lena a villain.....and now at the Fortress she goes right back to being unapologetic at saying it.  

So what is behind this behavior from Kara?  Are they just trying to build drama and angst......it would be fine if one could trust the writing to deliver a satisfying conclusion to their hostility, with both accepting they are so unhappy without the other in their life and finally dropping their barriers and trusting each other and  finally standing together against Lex.  However, this season has made me cynical when it comes to expecting anything vaguely satisfying.  Worse still, I have a sinking feeling that the constant need to try and paint Lena as the hysterical unreasonable villain, is based on their ‘no homo’ agenda and trying to make William a better worthier option....HAHAAAAAAA!!!! As if !!!  

Finally I just have to say how beyond weird it is to have that scene on the couch with Kelly and Alex smiling like ....”Oh look isn’t it great Willy Wonka is here!”  Yeah....really believable a couple of lesbians pushing for a guy they hardly know. Can we talk about how they have NO GAYDAR AT ALL????!!!!  I mean, every second sentence from Kara all season, Lena Lena Lena.  Let’s not forget the 100th episode Mxy showing the confrontation at the fortress, and Alex looks at Kara like “WTH....Oh honey.”   Yet now.....“Hey look here’s Willy.”  

This show is in desperate need of some realistic talent in that writers room.

[speter-sparker]

Spideypool fic rec #2

ya boy is back at it again with the whole procrastination thing, and if I'm going down, ill bring all of you with me. 

other recs by me: X 

1) Peter Parker's Home for the Wayward Villain by BeanieBaby   [90k, complete]

summary: A really long redemption story.

my thoughts: you know how every ship has That One Fic? The one that every person who recs fic recs? This is it. In a world where Peter Parker was never bitten by a radioactive spider (but still lives in a world of heroes), he still has a chance to make a change. 

additional info: found family, strangers to friends to lovers, slow burn, POV peter

2) Said the Fly to the Spider by BC_Brynn   [20k, complete]

summary: Peter is being courted by Deadpool. With words. And life-saving.

my thoughts: so damn good. the story is character and relationship-focused, with witty banter and dumb jokes - in short, the perfect spideypool fic. Pacing is on point, side characters are in character, just... *chef kiss* beautiful. 

additional info: friends to lovers, slow burn, POV peter 

3) the kubler-ross theory by antivenom   [80k, complete]

summary: Peter loses Gwen in a split-second of motion. It takes much, much longer for him to find himself afterwards.

(In which Peter deals with a loss that immobilizes him and permeates through every drawn breath. In which his grief is a visceral abstraction that he can touch, that he can feel. And in which, with a little help, with time, with acceptance, with anger, with sadness, with Wade, he learns how to live in a world without her.)

my thoughts: if you read nothing else on this list, READ THIS. It deals with the aftermath of Gwen Stacy’ death, and how Peter copes (or doesn't) with the aftermath. This story is a love letter to everyone who has lost someone - the stages of grief, the anger and confusion and emotion are so real. Everything is brutally honest, the author doesn't hold back punches - in fact, it's because of this that I love how Wade and Peters's relationship is written. They are both shown as flawed characters who are trying so damn hard and their relationship feels real. The same can be said for every character in this fic - the relationships with aunt may and MJ and other supers are beautifully thought out and written. 

additional info: HOPEFUL ENDING, slow burn, pre-relationship, hurt/comfort, POV Peter 

4) I'll Tell No Lies by doctorestranged   [78k, complete]

summary: When a series of murders take place, Peter Parker goes undercover in Sister Margaret’s to get intel on Tony Stark’s prime suspect: Deadpool. Except, Peter is horrible at lying and this seems like a dreadful idea. Peter goes in hoping to get enough information so that Spider-Man can save the day, but like everything in Peter’s life, it becomes a bit more complicated than that.

my thoughts: The pacing is so fun - it’s a murder mystery with a heavy side of romance, featuring Tony not-angry-just-disappointed ok-a-little-angry Stark, a very done Weasle, and one taxi driver. 

additional info: strangers to friends to lovers, SMUT, POV Peter 

5) Without Ever Letting You Know by TimidTurnip   [8k, complete]

summary: So something weird is going on with Deadpool, that's nothing new. Spewing flower petals is hardly the strangest thing the merc has done. The part that is confusing Peter is that Deadpool doesn't want Spider-man around. WTH.

my thoughts: mmm, hurts so good. Love how they examine Peter’s personality and relationship to Wade in this one. 

additional info: Hopeful ending, PINING, friends to lovers, POV Peter

6) i know your secret by jilliancares   [8k, complete]

summary: “I’m your new neighbor,” Wade forged on, oblivious to Peter’s state of shock, and he stuck out a scarred hand. Peter gripped it, feeling numb, and gave it a shake. Did Wade realize who he was? No, clearly not. He was acting way too normally. Wade was one for dramatics.

my thoughts: Fluff CENTRAL. Wade and Peter are given a playful relationship that can only be described as puppy love. 

additional info: fluff, identity porn, friends to lovers, POV Peter

7) The Naked Truth by CAPSING   [20k, complete]

summary: Wade is not a cat person. But maybe he'll make an exception to get into some cute guy's pants.

my thoughts: CAT FIC! THERE'S A CAT!

additional info: pining, strangers to friends to lovers, vet!peter, Wade is still Deadpool, POV Wade

8) The Boys Wear Red... by Orcusnox (Cat9894)   [108k, complete]

summary: Wade is a hero, Peter is a merc. 

my thoughts: HOLY HECK??? if you thought Spider-man 3 was dark, Raimi ain't got nothing on this. My biggest worry going into this was that Peter and Wade would just swap places and character, but that could not be further from the truth. Peter is dark, but in a way that fits who he is, who he would be if he jumped off the deep end. Everything in this feels thought out and works well together - the character writing is smooth and logical, even for side characters. The plot is fun and exciting, the banter even more so. 

additional info: Hopeful ending, some smut later, gore/violence, past mentions of abuse, frenemies to friends to lovers, POV Peter

9) Allostasis by ruralfishingcat   [42k, complete]

summary: Peter had a tendency to put up walls to isolate himself; even as Spider-Man, he could only suffer through so much death and destruction. It was precautionary, really, and those he'd pushed away would thank him were they aware of the circumstances. Of course, Deadpool had his own tendencies, one of which was to break down said walls (fourth ones included). As grating as it was, a small sliver of Peter hoped the mercenary would be able to succeed.

my thoughts: fucking cute my dude. Identity porn to the max, and a butt crap of pining. 

additional info: friends to lovers, protective Wade, identity porn, POV Peter

10) what light through yonder window by hellornothing   [14k, complete]

summary: The figure moves quickly, but Peter’s faster. He’s still adjusting to the sudden brightness, so dark red is really the only thing he takes from this initial encounter, but it’s enough.

‘Deadpool?’

-aka the one where they get together via late night window visits

my thoughts: THESE TWO! *clenches fist* ya know? just them realizing they have massive heart boners for each other 

additional info: friends to lovers, fluffflufffluff, mama mia that's a lot of F’s, POV Peter 

11) Patron Saint by isaDanCurtisproduction   [58k, complete]

summary: Peter is desperate. Hungry and alone on the streets, he's ready and willing to do anything to change his situation, even if just for a night. And sharing a stranger's bed would be no hardship, especially when the alternatives include dumpster-diving for dinner and sleeping, arms wrapped around him, beneath a chilly and indifferent sky.

Then a man named Wade Wilson steps into his life.

my thoughts: The plot is simple and allows for GREAT character moments. I clutched my heart cause they were so cute and just GAAAHH! the chemistry is great, the banter is fun, the plot is on point. 10/10 would (and do) recommend 

additional info: strangers to friends to lovers, no actual smut, be prepared to clutch a titty, identity porn, pining, homeless Peter, POV Peter 

12) better than being alone by darkavengerz (darkavenger) [6k, complete]

summary: Peter's been asked to attend a children's birthday party as Spider-Man, and he's surprised to discover someone else masquerading as him when he turns up at the party.

my thoughts: this is so them. the story is character-focused and just so gosh darn fun. I love my boys just harassing each other for funzies 

additional info: friends to lovers, fluff, POV Peter

13) Nobody's Business by DittyWitty   [6k, complete]

summary: Peter really wasn't supposed to out himself to Deadpool.

my thoughts: insecure Peter, meet insecure Wade. Now go use big boy words and fucking COMMUNICATE

additional info: friends to lovers, POV Peter

14) you grow up and you lose touch by scarlett_starlett   [53k, complete]

summary: Peter always thought that when he had kids, there would be someone by his side.

Instead, he has a mouthy mercenary acting as a chef every night for him and his newly adopted son and a narcissistic billionaire philanthropist paying child support on the sly. But Peter figures it isn’t all bad, especially when Miles loses that dullness in his eyes whenever Wade slips on the banana peels he ‘strategically’ places all over the apartment for Peter as a joke.

my thoughts: usually not one for kid fics - the kids aren't well written and characters tend to be OC. But this one, this one, just shattered my every expectation. The relationship between Peter and Miles, Peter and Wade, and Wade and Miles is phenomenal. The story and plot are wonderful, with themes that you can't help but sink your teeth into. The pining is off the walls. The characters are rounded and complex and grow so much with each other. I cannot recommend this one enough, please by GOD go read it

*** side note: go read everything by this author. go, get outta here! go! 

additional info: SLOW burn, friends to co-parents to lovers, PINING GALORE, POV alternating but mostly POV Peter 

15) A Vicious Cycle by DecimalDrones   [2k, complete]

summary: Peter can't remember the life he and Wade supposedly shared together. It's alright as long as he's happy, though, isn't it?

my thoughts: y’all. Y’ALL. okay, this one is short and sweet but when you finish, go back and read it a second time. The double meaning and context make this fic DELICIOUS. I also recommend checking out their other fics - they’re a bit longer but still easy to finish in a day. 

additional info: established relationship, POV Peter 

16) on staying around by WylderWolf   [4k, complete]

summary: Fourteen pages of loud fart noises.

(also there's some, like, emotions and stuff, and then they bump nasties. it's pretty rad.)

my thoughts: charming little thing with pining wade. Also, they’re both idiots (but what's new)

additional info: friends to lovers, pining, smut at the end, POV Wade 

[rattlung]

i wanted to get this out for halloween but then it ended up getting (and taking) too long so i was like aight whatever i’ll split it and post the first bit so i know at least some of it will be in time for the spooky scary. not that it’s really spooky scary, but yknow

anyway the second i saw cowboy mirage and vampire crypto i knew i had to write a wild west au with them. if any of you knew me from my glory ovw days, you know wth im talkin about. 

so anyway, slooow burn, animal death, blood, blood drinking, and possible ooc-ness because i couldn’t decide on whether i wanted mirage to have a very thick southern accent or not so his dialogue may be a bit whack. also with it being an au, characterization probably got skewed to shit. sorry about that :^(

cross posting fucks up formatting, so to be safe here’s the ao3 link but if that’s not the jam for your bread, it’s all under the read more

=======

The sun had set hours ago, but Elliott remained at his post.

Crickets and grass were his only companions on his porch, not even a candle was lit to keep him company. He didn’t want anyone to know he was out there and the little flame would have given him away. Besides, the moon was high that night and the stars glittered from behind it thanks to the cloudless sky. His eyes had adjusted well enough, and the open fields of the farm didn’t provide enough shadows to cause much concern.

No, Elliott was confident he’d catch who he wanted tonight, it was only a matter of whether or not the little bastard would show up.

He sighed and leaned forward in his chair to rest his crossed arms on the railing of the porch, then placed his chin on them. He hoped whoever it was would show. He couldn’t afford another big hit to the stock again. In the last week, he’d lost three chickens - one of them was the hen he’d sank three dollars into earlier in the month. It’d been a good one, too, healthy eggs up until she went missing with two of her sisters.

It was like nothing Elliott had ever seen before. There were never any carcasses left in the coop or on the land, no blood and maybe only a few stripped feathers. Coyotes were never that clean - not in Elliott’s experience anyway. And to take so many at a time?

Then the marks started showing up on the cattle. Two clean little holes at their shoulders that Elliott would have missed had it not been for the blood that oozed out of them, staining their fur a rusted brownish red.

That changed things. The body-less crimes started making sense, because they weren’t being killed - they were being stolen. Chickens were easy to make off with. Just toss a few in a bag and be on your way. Cows, though, they were marking those. Maybe one man was sent to scope out the pens to pick out the healthiest ones, then send off a crew to look for the marks and round them up to bring them home.

Elliott fought off a yawn and the on coming sense of second guessing himself. They would be coming with a group. He hadn’t thought of that before. If they did show up tonight and they were armed, there would be very little he could do with his mother’s old rifle. Quickly he decided he wouldn’t leave the porch if he saw anything. Just fire off a few shots and hopefully scare them off.

All of the Witts had met unfortunate ends. Two Witt sons died in the war, one to the flu soon after his third birthday, their mother to the plague - and the last Witt, dead to a bullet wound received while defending the cow that sneezed on him that very morning?

Yeah, no thank you, he’d stay right there on the porch, yes, ma’am.

So sit he did, scanning the horizon, the treeline, the pens, and tried not to fall asleep. He wondered if Ms. Williams had any hounds she’d be willing to part with to do this kind of stuff for him. Growing up, he’d always wanted a farm dog and Anita Williams trained some of the best he’d ever seen. Elliott would be able to leave it outside to patrol the land, sleep out on the porch, and chase off any predators or thieves that might be lurking while Elliott was in bed. That would be better than suffering through the brutality of waiting for the sun to rise himself.

Elliott didn’t notice his eyes had closed until they snapped open at the sound of sudden rattling in the hen house. He waited a moment, wondering if he imagined it, but soon there was a murmur of cluckings and Elliott got to his feet. He picked up the hat he’d hung on the back of his chair and placed it on top of his head before grabbing the rifle, standing at the very edge of his porch.

Surely they wouldn’t be going for more chickens, would they? When the cows they had marked were out roaming?

Elliott stepped off the stairs and onto the dirt pathway. If it was chickens being targeted tonight, that means there was likely only one of them. He checked the chamber of his gun before heading off, getting onto the grass as soon as he could in order to dampen the sound of his approaching footsteps. By the time he’s at the fence, the clucking had shifted and grew into something louder, the few hens he had left squawking at whatever was in there with them.

And maybe it was because their din was too loud, but Elliott couldn’t hear anything else. Nothing but feathered ruffling and the scrape of chicken feet.

A chill raised the hair on the back of his neck but he crept forward anyway. He wiped the palm of his hand off on his jeans and pushed open the gate, wincing hard when one of the hens in the coop got louder. The rest were a bit hysterical in their noise making, but this one’s panic was visceral. This wasn’t just someone walking through their nests and aggravating them out of sleep - these chickens were scared for their lives.

Elliott crept up to the wired entrance of the shed and peeked around. Small shadows flicked back an forth on the hay-filled floor in a frenzy. Hoarse, creaking noises spilled from their beaks and wings fluttered as they battled each other in their panic to press to the corners of the shed, close to the walls to get away from -

Now, Elliott wasn’t a religious man - which was an odd thing, when one lived in a small town like he did, where the person he bought canned goods from was the pastor’s brother, and the biggest building was the church which was always filled on Sunday. He never went to mass, not even for the holidays, and the Witt Family’s bible had been left in the bedside table’s drawer since he was a boy.

But he didn’t have to crack apart the thin pages of God’s Word to determine that whatever the thing was in front of him was bad.

Especially when it turned, a chicken limp and unmoving in its hands, and stared Elliott down with eyes that burned like indigo flames.

This isn’t a coyote, his mind helpfully informed him just as his mouth spit out, “Oh, fuck.”

The creature stood up fully and despite all its human-like qualities, there was still that electric energy that was just not right, uncanny and out of place. It showed off a human face, but its skin was so white it almost glinted blue when it passed through the moonlight that bled through the shed’s wooden panels.

Which is how Elliott noticed it was moving toward him. He raised the rifle up and pointed it square at the thing’s chest. If froze in its step, still as stone in half a second, but above the crying of his birds Elliott could hear the trill of something moving in its throat.

“Dro - Drop the chicken,” Elliott ordered, the stillness in his limbs compensating for his trembling voice.

To his surprise the creature listened to him. Its trill from before burst from its throat and its frown opened to let out a hiss, pitched low and piercing. The teeth it bared to him had a pink sheen, wet with blood, and its canines ended in vicious points - points Elliott was sure would match with the ones marking his cattle out on the fields.

“Oh, shit, okay - “ Elliott muttered, too panicked to remember that the creature could hear him.

It hunched down suddenly, dropping into a stance that made Elliott think it was going to lunge for him. Before he could really process that information, could even think to fire a shot at it to knock it down, to kill it, the creature spun around and crashed through the other side of the coop. Elliott blinked at the wire it split through like paper then hurried around the house. It was fast, already having leaped over the fence, a black shape that moved without sound, whispering over the grass in one, two seconds before it disappeared into the trees.

“That’s not a fuckin’ coyote,” Elliott said over the thundering of his heartbeat and the screaming of his chickens.

----=----

For a whole entire day, Elliott allowed himself to think that it was over. He let himself think that that was the last he’d see of the thing, that he’d scared it enough to retreat just from pointing a gun at it. Maybe the fear of Elliott actually using it would keep it away, whatever it was.

Truth be told, he didn’t really want to find out what it was. From the look he got out of it from the shadows, it looked human enough. A man as tall as him, dressed to the nines in black and red silks, slim with features Elliott might have tipped a hat at had he not been terrified the time he saw them. Human features. It looked human.

And yet, the bloodless chicken he’d been forced to get rid of proved otherwise. Once he’d been able to move, he’d wandered back in to examine it and found that it was little more than a husk, dried out and useless. It’s carcass was clean, feathers mostly untouched with no red soaked into them. On its breast were two, neat puncture holes.

The next day, one he’d used to catch up on sleep, he started feeling watched.

As he left the stables after shoveling out the floors, a familiar chill walked along his shoulders like icy fingers, eliciting a shiver from him. It lingered for a moment and slowly dissipated when he searched his surroundings, forcing himself to outwardly appear calm when he found nothing.

It would happen again - and often - in the following weeks. When he left the stables after milking, he’d feel it then. When he fed the chickens, when he lead the two horses out onto the pasture, checked on the hogs - someone was watching him. Waiting. And yet, as each night passed and he’d wake up, Elliott would set out to work and find that none of the livestock had been touched. The hens didn’t go missing. The puncture marks on the cows had scabbed over, and no new ones appeared.

Worriedly, Elliott wondered if he were next, that he was the one being stalked - but why wait so long? He lived alone on the Witt farm, and no one had visited him in the time between then and the encounter.

The idea of a peace offering came to him when he had to put one of the roosters down. It was the older one of the three, the one that was always more aggressive and tried to start fights with the others. Apparently, it had to learn the hard way that all fights it started were not always ones it could win. Elliott should have separated it sooner, or maybe had done something, but his mind had been in other places as of late. He’d felt terrible - for the cockerel, for himself. For his family. The only thing they’d left behind was this farm, and he was making a mess of it.

So, out he marched at the first sign of dusk, right to the edge of the trees where he’d seen the creature dart off all those days ago. He planned on calling out to it until it showed, dropping the rooster at its feet and declaring, There, see? I’m doing just fine on ruining everything on my own, so why don’t you just take the damn bird and go?

He didn’t do any such thing. He just stood there for a long moment, listened to the robins in the woods and the huffing of cattle behind him, and stared down at the rooster in his hands. Eventually, the watched feeling came. Elliott was so used to it that the chill hardly even registered. It was just eyes on him, now, no longer threatening or frightening.

For a moment, neither of them did anything. Nothing jumped out to attack him, and Elliott didn’t say a word. He never actually did. Eventually, he dropped the rooster onto the grass and turned back to the house, not even waiting to see if the creature would show itself.

The sun was finally wishing the horizon a farewell, sinking just under the trees as he’s finishing up the last of his rounds. Elliott tested the locks on the doors of the stalls to make sure they wouldn’t swing open and cast a long look at a cow sitting on the other side of one. She stared back at him. The scabs on her shoulders were just about gone, now, and her fur had grown over the little pink marks that’d been left behind. The rest of the cattle’s marks were just about the same. Nothing fresh.

Inside the Witt home, it was dark. There was still washing up he had to do in the big metal basin sat underneath the kitchen’s window. He probably wouldn’t get to until the next morning, so he pointedly kept his gaze away from there. He moved passed the old dining table that hadn’t seen use in years - mostly it was just full of tools he hadn’t moved back into the shed yet - and made his way toward the fireplace. Soon, the cold blue glow of the darkening sky was warmed by the slow starting flame. Elliott poked at it until he was thoroughly bored of watching sticks crumble into ash and was sure it wouldn’t smother itself.

With a heaving sigh he got back to his feet but didn’t go far, falling onto a wooden bench close to the fireplace. There were bigger and more comfortable places to sit, like the large wicker chair right beside him or the stool that had a pillow sewn onto it haphazardly, but Elliott had always sat on the bench. Maybe tomorrow, after he was done the cleaning, he’d move all the extra furniture out into the shed along with the tools on the dining room table. No use in having so many if he wasn’t using it. He didn’t get much company - none at all, really.

Elliott found himself staring at the book left on the seat of the wicker chair and doubted he’d even get around to doing the washing up.

Over the crackle of the fire, something thumped right outside the front door. Elliott straightened, twisted around to look toward the noise, and thought how weird it was to be thinking about never getting any visitors only to have one stop by. Or maybe the word was ironic.

But then he remembered the time and he held his breath to listen. There was no shuffling of someone on his porch and no knocking on his door. If someone rode all the way out to the Witt’s Farm after sundown it’d be for an emergency, so there was no real good reason for the stranger to be quiet.

Slowly, Elliott stood. Avoiding the floorboards that creaked, he crossed the room toward the door and picked up the rifle he’d left there. The silence was deafening and ringing with the dreadful thought of how he might actually be going crazy. Then, the idea of Elliott opening the door and finding nothing at all was almost as terrifying as opening it and revealing the shadow from the hen house. Had he actually heard something? Was there really something in his woods? What if he went outside to the coop and all of the lost chickens would be accounted for? What if the marks on the cows had healed so fast because they’d never been marked in the first place?

Elliott put his hand on the doorknob, sucked in a breath, held it, then twisted it and pulled it open. The door’s creak seemed like a wail in the empty night - because that’s what it was. Empty. No one standing at his stoop, no shadow perched on his railing ready to strike.

Nothing but the rooster he’d left at the trees, untouched and dropped carelessly at his door.

And for reasons he couldn’t explain, Elliott narrowed his eyes down at it and felt angry. Maybe it was the sleep he was losing, the constant worrying, the loneliness - or maybe he actually was losing his mind. Whatever it was, it was enough to have him bend over, snatch up the bird, and stomp down onto the path toward the trees. When he got there, he still said nothing, but that time he didn’t even wait around. Elliott just tossed the bird back onto the grass where he’d left it the first time and turned to storm away, ignoring the petulant feeling that rose at the display.

He made it about four yards before something hit the dirt behind him. He froze without looking back and grit his teeth.

“Alright, you sumbitch.”

Annoyed, he faced the trees again, passing the bird on the road. That chill was back. Instead of stopping him, have him think twice, it only achieved in making the anger thrumming around in his chest burn defiantly brighter.

Two indigo flames held his gaze when Elliott noticed them, dimmer than the last time he saw them. They regarded him with disinterest and that alone had him nearly seething.

“I’m tired of playing this game you’re havin’ with me,” he snapped. The shadow might have raised a brow at him, but with how dark it was Elliott couldn’t be sure. It didn’t say anything, so the question - the one he’d been wondering since that night - burst out of him. “Why haven’t you just killed me yet?”

Now the eyes moved, turning in a way that told Elliott that the creature had tilted its head. But still, the silence. Slowly, it looked down at the rifle Elliott had nearly forgotten about, pointedly, then back up at him. Elliott heard it hit the ground in the next second, which is how he learned that he himself tossed it aside.

Something that was smothered by the heat of the moment whispered to him, You sleep deprived idiot, just what in the hell are you doing?

What he said out loud was, “Do it, then. Nothin’s stopping you, so do it.”

The shadow did nothing; not a sound, not a movement.

Elliott heard his own breathing over the gentle breeze and wondered why it was so slow. He’d seen the speed the creature had moved at and his only protection was too many paces away. If it wasn’t planning on killing him, the anticipation should have been. But he was calm, staring demise dead in its lightning blue eyes, fists clenched at his sides.

The thought of it being incapable of speech occurred to him, but with the way it watched him, Elliott didn’t find it likely. Despite how inhuman they were, there was sentience behind the shadow’s gaze. Maybe too much for something that fed on blood. It looked at Elliott and he felt that it was capable of telling him exactly what it wanted to with a stare alone - all that and more. It was a heavy kind of thing to know. Elliott realized he had a hard time looking away, so when he managed it he didn’t dare look again.

“Just, get - get out of here.” He started making his way back - and didn’t look at the damned rooster again, either. “Leave me alone and terrorize some other poor bastard’s chickens.”

Coward, he thought, but didn’t know who it was directed to.

----=----

The next morning, Elliott woke up to one less crowing and his rifle propped up on the porch railing outside.

Something in the woods still watched him.

----=----

A few days passed until he saw the shadow again. Elliott was leaving the hen house and had thrown a look up at the sky to gauge the time, sighed at the moon, and turned to shut the wired gate behind him. When he turned around, a figure that definitely had not been there before stood in the path in front of him.

He gasped and sent himself back in a fit of shock, back slamming up against the shed. He scowled once he realized what - or, rather, who it was, but that was gone in the next second, too. The shadow’s posture was still one of casual disinterest; hands in pockets, shoulders relaxed, and expression blank if not aloof. But it was different, Elliott was sure. The skin, while always having been pallid, took a different tone, now, one that was qualmish and almost sickly. And the eyes - the eyes hardly even glowed.

It looked more like a ghost than a shadow.

“What’s wrong?” He asked - and why was he even concerned? It hadn’t tried to kill him yet, sure, but it was responsible for taking out almost a quarter of his chickens.

True to a pattern, the creature said nothing, however, it did give a meaningful look into the shed behind Elliott. When its gaze returned, he could see how its throat worked around a swallow.

“Are - “ Elliott looked back at the hen house as if to check to make sure that was what the shadow had looked at. “Are you asking me to - “ He cut himself off again, but pointed into the house.

It narrowed its eyes at the incredulous inflection in Elliott’s voice but did not say no.

The whistling of grass is the only sound for a long moment as a cool night’s breeze moved over the fields, Elliott at a loss for words. As the wind washed over him, chilling him that much further, he could see the creature’s nostrils flare minutely, and this time when its throat moved it was around a rumbling noise. From the base of its chest it traveled up and out as that familiar trill. It filled Elliott with a sense of urgency, one he couldn’t really explain.

He was torn. It was strange to be asked such a thing, but he supposed he should be grateful of the fact that it was asking at all. But how was he even supposed to answer? As far as Elliott knew, none of his chickens survived. He’d never found markings on them, they would just disappear. With the colder seasons approaching, he really couldn’t afford to lose any more of his livestock.

The cows, though, they’d apparently survived a few run-ins with the shadow.

Elliott looked over to the stables and felt shameful the second he did. Was he really considering it? Other than the fast healing punctures on their necks or shoulders, there had been no real changes in their behavior or health. The morning he’d find the marks on them, they’d appear nonplussed. But what if it hurt them? What if the experience was traumatic in a way Elliott couldn’t see?

Then again, could he really afford to deliberate on this? In that moment, with the shadow looking at him expectantly, it seemed to be between Elliott and the cows. Really, the choice was an easy one, but he was still allowed to feel guilty.

“Follow me,” he told the shadow.

As the temperature steadily declined throughout the days, Elliott had started rounding the cows up into the stables more often. It got too cold at night , and he didn’t want to give the cows a chance to catch an illness. It meant waking up earlier to give them more time to graze but it was safer. While he was unlocking the paneled door to the stables Elliott thought that maybe that was the reason he was losing more chickens. It was harder to get through a locked door without raising suspicion than it was kidnapping a few birds and letting the farmer’s blame fall onto coyotes.

The shadow didn’t make a noise but when Elliott turned, it was standing right behind him, nose wrinkled a little at the intense smell of animal and dirt. He didn’t jump that time. He picked up the unlit lantern he’d left behind on the stacked bales of hay, lighting it fast and hung it on the rung in between two of the stall doors. Inside one of them, the dull eyes of a cow shimmered and regarded him blankly. Elliott drug the door open and stepped inside next to her, touching at the glittering wet nose and felt her hot breath huff against his hand in recognition.

“It doesn’t - there’s no - it - it’s not gonna hurt her too much, is it?” Elliott couldn’t help but ask. Now, he expected a nonverbal answer so he looked back to shadow for it, finding more whites in its eyes and the stoic expression looking cheaper. It wasn’t watching him anymore, purely focused on the cow Elliott was petting at nervously.

It stepped closer, into the stall, and Elliott watched as the cow’s head tipped up apprehensively. The huffing of her breathing got a little bit faster and Elliott heard himself shushing her lowly, scratching around the longer scruff by her ears. He couldn’t imagine he was helping too much, but the only thing she did when he saw the shadow disappear around her other side was let out a small grunt of displeasure.

Time passed; the only sound came from his and the cow’s breathing and the brisk wind rattling the wood of the barn. Elliott kept up his attempt at comfort, watching her face intently, and was surprised to find her calm once again. Slowly, he stepped away, gauging her reaction at the movement but didn’t get one.

He moved back into the base of the barn and heaved up one of the metal buckets he’d filled with grain. It was a favor he’d done for himself that night to save himself some time when he woke up to feed them, but he figured that the cow deserved some special treatment. Elliot brought it over to her front and held it right under her nose for her to sniff out, knocking the handle out of her way and hugging it to his stomach due to the weight of it.

The cow’s ears twitched back and forth in contentment, dipping her snout into the grain and eating it by the mouthful. Relief coursed through him like the blood in his veins and Elliott felt himself smiling a little.

“Good girl,” he told her, to which he got very little in the way of a response.

The shadow straightened in a fluid movement, one Elliott watched with rapt attention. Even in just the few short minutes, there was an excruciatingly apparent change in the creature. The intensity of its eyes returned, their brightness amplifying its now fuller features and adding more color to the porcelain-looking skin - it was the most human Elliott had seen him.

“You were starving,” Elliott muttered with a voice awed in his realization. He thought back to the look the shadow had given the cow before and identified it now as a pained and feral sort of hunger. “Why didn’t you just take the damned rooster?”

The creature wiped the cow blood off of wet lips and had the audacity to look at Elliott like he was the disgusting one. Before he could remark on that, prove to the other how backwards that was, the shadow’s mouth opened and for the first time, he spoke. In a voice that was low and smooth, with layers upon layers of something deep and new to Elliott threading through the syllables, he simply stated, “It was dead.”

Elliott sputtered, a little dumbstruck. “So?”

The shadow’s eyes narrowed into a disbelieving glare. “It was dead for a long time.”

“You’re gettin’ partipu - pertil - picky about what blood you’re drinking, now?”

If he were being frank, Elliott wasn’t sure why he was antagonizing the shadow. He’d been merciful so far in not maiming him. And Elliott couldn’t exactly say that if he’d left something out for the hours the rooster had been sitting, he would drink it, either.

But surely drinking blood wasn’t enjoyable in any sense.

Elliott pulled the bucket out from under the cow. Some feed stuck to the wetness of her nose which she cleaned off with a few swipes of her tongue. “I guess we’re done here,” Elliott said to her, but mostly to the shadow.

The shadow that had since disappeared from the stables.

Sighing, Elliott replaced the now three quarters filled bucket with the others as he shook his head. “Guess we are.”

----=----

They weren’t, but Elliott had expected that much.

Every other night, now, when Elliott was finishing his rounds he caught sight of the shadow leaning against the barn doors like it was an arrangement they’d agreed on. He’d finish locking up and meet him there where he’d open the doors and wave the shadow inside, direct him to one of the seven cows, and pretended it wasn’t abnormal. Every farmer had an odd case; a pair of horses that only fed at a specific time of day, cattle that grazed exclusively on the left side of the pasture, a herding dog that befriended and mothered ill lambs.

Elliott’s odd case was a vampire, but it was fine. Every farmer had an odd case. Some odder than others.

Things started to change on the evening Elliott had just left the stables unlocked. One of the pen’s posts had crumbled from age and the fences around it sagged too close to the dirt. It was a reminder that he’d have to put work into replacing them before the winter, or else he’d have a lot more work come spring. Like the dishes in the basin and the extra furniture still in the front of his house, that was a problem for tomorrow’s Elliott. He’d just repair the broken one for now.

He was just testing out the sturdiness of the new post when he noticed that the shadow was standing behind him. By then he was so used to the minor jump scares that he only just barely lost the hammer in his grip. It thumped onto the old, rotten fence post he’d left laying there and landed quietly in the grass.

“Lord - Jesus - Chri - you gotta stop doing that,” he told the shadow, hand over his heart.

Silence from the shadow. He’d gone back to his quiet pledge, not having spoken since their very short conversation in the stables.

Elliott was used to that, too, so shook his head and leaned down to pick up the hammer and the post. He could leave it to dry out on his porch, break it apart further and use it for tinder later. “I left the barn open,” he said when he saw that the shadow was still standing there.

“I know,” the shadow responded. Something flashed in his eyes, probably on account of how fast Elliott snapped up to look at him, not having expected an answer. It was some kind of struggle, Elliott imagined, because his mouth opened a second before he said anything. “Thank you.”

Elliott’s eyes widened. “I - uh. Y-yeah, you’re welcome. It’s fine. It’s - y’know, it’s better than you killing my chickens.”

That flash of something struck again. Elliott wanted to apologize. He genuinely didn’t want to offend the shadow, and he might have actually done it if he didn’t speak before him. “Why haven’t you told anyone?”

And that would have been smart, wouldn’t it? Letting the town know about the blood drinker in their woods. They could have helped Elliott a few dead birds earlier, rounded up enough of them for a search party - if they even believed him in the first place. But that would have involved killing the shadow, or running him off, and Elliott didn’t really enjoy the idea of that. In some kind of morbid way, through all of the heart-pounding meetings and stress-induced nightmares, he kind of liked the company. He’d probably miss it if it were gone.

Besides, the nightmares were really nothing new.

Still, he decided he wasn’t going to tell the other that. He just grinned, leaned up against the freshly repaired fence - very sturdy -  and said, “I think I’ve got you handled.”

The shadow’s brow rose and he looked Elliott up and down, then finally back up again. “No,” is all he said.

The smile dropped from Elliott’s face but he didn’t say anything more on that, because, unfortunately, the shadow was being very fair. “Right, well,” he muttered, pushing off the fence. He was ready for bed. “Have a good night, then.”

“Are you Witt?” He was asked after a few paces.

Elliott paused, turned around slowly. “How’d you know about that?”

“I listen,” the shadow stated simply.

Looking around acres of empty land, Elliott wondered, to who? “Yeah, I - well, I’m one of them. Witt’s my last name, so there’s… Well, there’s been a few Witts.”

The other’s head cocked to one side. “Which Witt are you?”

The only one, really. “I’m Elliott.”

The shadow nodded, looking him over once more. “Good night, Elliott.”

All he did was stand there for a moment, blinking, too caught up on how his name sounded in the smooth whisper of the other’s voice. He’d never heard it be said like that before.

Then, finally, his brain caught up.

“Hey, wait,” he called, despite the shadow not having moved an inch. “That’s not very fair, now is it? I don’t get to know your name?”

He wouldn’t exactly say that the shadow was the teasing sort, but it did take numerous weeks to get a decent two-sided conversation out of him. Mostly, Elliott expected the same response from before. Another ‘no’ before he disappeared for a few nights again.

“Tae Joon,” was what he got, though.

Elliott tried it out for himself. “Tae Joon.”

The shadow’s head tilted further.

Elliott smiled, tipped his hat. “You have a good night, Tae Joon.”

He shifted the wooden post around for easier carrying and put his back to the shadow, knowing that if he turned around now he probably would find empty air. It was fine. Elliott knew he’d see him soon.

=====

yyyyeaahh this is what i’ve been putting off prompts for BIG oof :^(((( 

not sure when i’ll finish the rest of it tbh but here’s this for now i guess 

[iamnotoriginalphil]

I’m really new to using tumblr, so I’m not that familiar in requesting. I saw your post that you saw endgame and that your requests are open. Can you make one where the reader and Steve are together and Steve, the reader, and tony go back to the 70s to retrieve the stone and Steve sees Peggy and the reader gets all sad bc they think Steve is still in love w/ Peggy? Thank you :)

Here you go, love. I know I sort of disappeared for a while there and I’m sorry about that but everything that kept me away from writing is gone now so I have plenty of time. I hope you like this.

You’d been so excited to see the past. You’d listened to Tony’s stories and Steve’s stories and you hadn’t been able to wait to see the heroes of those stories in the flesh. You’d been jumping at the chance.

Steve had wanted you to go home with Scott. You could see the worry in his face as you petitioned to join him and Tony but Tony had wanted you there so the decision was made. You were going back to the 70s.

You hadn’t thought about the fact that Peggy would be there.

You hadn’t meant to see it. You knew that. Steve had been staring at her, through a window, while you’d stood there in the doorway, watching him. He was meant to be helping, to be stopping Thanos. You felt your stomach curdle as you watched on. The longing on his face was so obvious.

You’d ducked out before he could see you but the image was burnt into your brain. He’d never looked at you like that, not in the year you’d been together. You kept your head down, waiting for Steve to come back out with the particles you needed to get home. You did your best to blend in. It wasn’t hard. Some aspects of the 70s were really shit.

He pushed out of the room and you fell into step beside him, hurrying through the corridors to meet Tony. You didn’t look at him, watching your feet instead of looking at Steve. You didn’t want to know what he was feeling after seeing his precious Peggy. His feelings were always easy to read on his face.

You waited for Tony in silence, doing your best to blend in with every one else. You watched Tony from  distance, talking to a middle aged man. You looked up at Steve as if he would be able to answer who it was. He was watching the interaction too intently to give an answer to you.

Tony gave the man a hug and rejoined you, making sure you had the particles. You hurried off to a secluded place to send yourselves home.

And then your heart broke.

Nat was gone, Tony was gone. You’d gotten the dusted people back, but the cost was high, and your heart was breaking in all different ways.

You hoped Steve assumed this was the reason you were avoiding him.

You knew he was going back to return the stones to their rightful place. It had been discussed after the funerals, after people were given time to pick up all the pieces after all the destruction. You hadn’t talked to him specifically about it, the memory of that look of longing still plaguing you.

You went down with the rest of them to see him off. You were almost certain this would be the last goodbye, the one that broke you fully. You didn’t think he’d be coming home, that he would stay with his Peggy and live the life he always thought he would. You tried to keep the tears in check, not wanting him to see you knew his decision before he left.

You watched him disappear, standing with Bucky, counting down the seconds in your head, your heart clenching wth anxiety. You needed the confirmation that Peggy was his choice.

You looked away at the five second mark, not wanting to see another woman being chosen over you. You heard Bucky let out a long breath and you knew it was done. You turned away, refusing to look at the empty time machine. You didn’t want that burned into your brain for the rest of your life.

“(Y/N)!”

You knew that voice, a voice you hadn’t expected to hear ever again. You paused, bowing your head, hoping you weren’t imagining it.

A hand touched your shoulder and you turned, looking up into the beautiful blue eyes you knew better than anyone’s. The familiar crinkle between the eyebrows and a frown firmly in place. You reached up to smooth the wrinkle between his brows with your thumb.

“You came back,” you said.

“You didn’t think I would?” he asked, still frowning at you.

You shrugged. He looked over his shoulder then turned back to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. He led you away, down to the bench in front of the lake. He sat you down, taking the spot beside you. He threaded his fingers through yours, his thumb running circles over the back of your hand.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” he said.

“Yeah,” you admitted.

“And you didn’t think I would come back,” he said.

“Yeah,” you said.

“Why?”

“I saw the way you looked at her, at Peggy, when we went back in time,” you said, sniffing.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“When we split up from Tony to go get the particles. You were in the office and you saw Peggy through the window. It was obvious how in love with her you are,” you said.

You looked down at your hands twisting in your lap. You were waiting for him to tell you that you were right, that he had come to say goodbye. It was the only explanation you had for why he’d come back. He was honourable enough to tell you before he broke your heart.

“She was my past,” he said.

You nodded, knowing how he felt. You knew him better than you knew yourself. He’d told you the stories, you’d heard the love in his voice every time he spoke about her.

“You are my future,” he said.

You sniffed again, sure you’d heard him wrong. He lifted your chin, forcing you to look at him. You felt a tear roll down your cheek and he brushed it away, looking so heartbreakingly sad.

“Seeing her reminded me of all the things I lost when I went into the ice. And then I saw you and I remembered everything I’d been given after emerging,” he said, “I don’t need what I lost when I have you.”

“But you love her.”

“She was my first love, and maybe there will be a part of me that always will love her, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Seeing her made me realise I could not live without you, because I have lived without her and I survived. I wouldn’t survive without you.”

You felt more tears roll down your cheeks. He cupped your face, his thumb brushing them away. You could see how truthful he was being, the love shining in his eyes. He might not have been looking at you with longing, but he was looking at you like he’d won the lottery.

“I want you to be my last love,” he said.

He lent forward, capturing your lips with his. You chuckled, finally bringing your hand up to wrap around the nape of his neck. He drew away and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“I’m not leaving you, doll,” he said.

“I love you,” you said.

He hugged you to him, his arms strong around you. You buried your face in his chest, breathing in the smell that never failed to calm you.

“I love you too.”

Tags: @ivegotparticulartaste

[unordinary-analysis]

Hey, I was just rereading, and, Elaine is a bad person?!? I don't think I'll be able to finish rereading, but was there any point where we started liking her? She literally called john gross for being powerless wth

Elaine: Is She a Bad Person and Why People Like Her

Know that I probably forgot all I wanted to say over the course of writing this so if it feels incomplete or off topic, i did my best lmao ok?

This is a hard topic to address because something being classified as inherently good or bad cannot be proven or measured. It’s all a matter of perspective, of where your morals, as the reader, lie. I don’t think anything that I’m going to say is going to strongly disagree with any of your ethics, but it’s good to know that going into this.

I decided to answer this question, yes, but also ask another. Along with asking if Elaine is a bad person, I also want to address why people like her character, because I know a lot of people do. People feel all different types of ways towards Elaine’s character and I want to explore why that’s the case.

Elaine, after reexamination, is actually one of the most morally intriguing characters to read. She’s still annoying as hell, but even when you hate what she’s saying, what she’s thinking, it really adds to your own perspective and makes you think.

I feel a lot of people that love her say that she’s one of the nicest and most caring characters in Unordinary. I’m sure a lot of people who don’t like her think this too. It’s easy to view Elaine as one of the nice, preppy girls.

But, like I said, after reexamination and a bit of rereading, I was reminded that her character isn’t so one dimensional. The UnOrdinary wikia (unordinary.fandom.com/wiki/Elaine) has a section labeled “personality” that is dedicated to describing Elaine’s personality. I think that the first two lines sum up Elaine very well: “Elaine seems to be one of the more friendly students at Wellston due to her outgoing and hospitable personality. However, like many students of Wellston, she's shown only enmity towards those with no abilities, and paid no attention to what lower tiers go through.” I say that this is true, but to an even more intense extent.

In what I think is the very first scene we meet Elaine (episode 7) she approaches John with kindness. She is friendly, smiles at him a lot, and welcomes him to Wellston. Then: she asks him about his power.

Instantly, the whole mood of the scene shifts. In previous panels, there were hearts and flowers drawn around Elaine. Then she asks, “So, John. What kind of ability do you have?” and suddenly this dark gloom wraps itself around the comic. Elaine is drawn with pointed eyebrows narrowed down her face. She is also sporting an impressive smirk for a character who most people classify as the naive, nice girl. The whole scene is so close from being taken straight out of mean girls it’s insane. Elaine is nice at first, but soon you realize she’s a predator.

So what really is Elaine’s true character?

Because Elaine’s true character has been somewhat elusive recently, I’ve laid out a nice list for you so you can easily see what traits of hers I will be proving and using to prove other points:

Elaine’s “good” moral traits:

Friendly

Caring

Kind

Thoughtful

Generally more aware of feelings and situations than a lot of other UnOrdinary characters.

Elaine’s “bad” moral traits:

Judgemental

Selective kindness

Unintentionally (?) biased

Doesn’t think for herself

Usually only shows her ‘good’ moral traits when interacting with her friends or with high-tiers

Elaine’s bad and good traits are surprisingly well-balanced. She’s not the perfect nice girl everyone currently seems to view her as. She has one of the most strategically used mindsets in UnOrdinary, but sometimes I feel it can be a little too subtle to actually notice. Because of the circumstances the storyline puts her in, we don’t really get to see as many of Elaine’s darker traits as there actual are.

It feels strange to write this about Elaine, one of the characters that seems to be the most recognized for her soft personality. And, I get it. Hell, I’ve hated her because she was so plain and nice and boring, but above all, actually, I disliked the way that her character was being used. God, Elaine has so much potential to just make the world of UnOrdinary so much more complex, but I feel like at this point of the story, it would be redundant to show Elaine’s worse traits because of what’s already been established, and it upsets me because I know that forcing Elaine’s less than admirable personality traits now in the story would take away from it, probably even backtracking the story, but seeing a character’s diversity is so important, especially for a main character. I support what uru-chan is doing with her right now because the loss of half of Elaine’s character does not outweigh the quality of the storytelling. But: All of Elaine’s flaws were shown in the beginning of the story, and I worry it’s been so long that most people have forgotten them.

So, I’m here now to give you reasons to hate Elaine, ok? Yeah, this is going to be fun.

I personally believe Elaine someone who thinks she’s nice, but really is selective with whom she’s nice to, if you understand what I’m saying. Elaine is that one popular girl who is apparently shy and acts all sweet around other popular kids, but is the type of person to also yell at some loner in the bathroom for being a loser or something.

She acts kind, but only to those that she considers worthy of attention. If she doesn’t care about you because you’re irrelevant, I’m sorry. You’re going to be treated like shit.

Liking Elaine as a character is actually so confusing, though. Because the first scene we ever see of her, she acts all friendly, but turns on John the instant he reveals that he is a weak low-tier, a cripple even. In other words, a waste of Elaine’s time.

Because of how that scene went down, its surprising how people think of her as this people pleaser, which she is, just only when she has something to gain. I think that the second part of her second scene in the comic (which I’ll show later) kind of overpowered anyone’s initial reaction to Elaine, whether they forgot who she was or whether they just hadn’t seen enough to label her as a total bitch.

Elaine’s second scene. At first, is also pretty bitchy. At the very end of episode 12, Elaine is waiting for Seraphina to come home from John’s house where she spent the night. Elaine says to Sera, “Why didn’t you answer and of my texts? Where were you last night? You had me worried sick.” On its own, it doesn’t sound too bad, but the panel also has a picture of Elaine glaring and with crossed arms. Also, when the scene continues into the next episode (episode 13), Elaine says, “Were you hanging out with that loser cripple again?! I DON’T GET WHY YOU’RE ALWAYS WITH HIM! YOU’RE MAKING YOURSELF LOOK BAD.” (Caps are proper quotes, I didn’t change them). It’s obvious at this point of the comic that Elaine is a character that you’re supposed to hate.

So… why is she widely known as this innocent and kind person?

Because of her like split fking personality that’s why skdfhigiuisrdughsk.

Elaine’s character experiences such drastic changes so quickly from scene to scene, it’s hard to peg her personality at first because it seems like she has every generic personality stuffed into her brain and they just take turns controlling her. In the same episode as Elaine insults John in front of Seraphina (episode 13), she literally gets a phone call, answers it, and turns into this stuttering, soft, bubbly mess, like what? (Second part of Elaine’s second scene).

Literally five lines after she acts all bitchy towards Seraphina, Elaine has this conversation with Arlo:

Elaine: “Ah, h-hello!”

Arlo: “Hey, I’m about to head out. Is Seraphina back yet?”

E: “Y-yea, she just got back!”

A: “Alright, I’m on my way.”

… What? In one of the earliest scenes Elaine is in, she goes completely 180º and turns into the basic, shy, adorable girl. This being such a contrast from literally everything we’ve seen from her character so far has to confuse the readers. Not in a bad way like the writing itself is confusing, but like the interesting and intriguing kind of confusing. The switch-up grabs the reader’s attention because suddenly the annoying, popular bitch (because, let’s be honest, that’s how her character reads up to this point) has suddenly revealed that she’s not like that all the time. Her character had been such a cliche that readers must have been pleasantly surprised to see that her character isn’t so black and white. Similar to the end of a movie or when you learn some secret about a character in a story, Elaine’s personality change makes it seem like you finally understand her, if that makes sense. It’s a storytelling cliche for something to be revealed about a mean character that makes them so much more understandable. Like Draco Malfoy when you learned how he just wanted to please Voldemort and make his family proud. That kind of thing.

This, I feel, is one reason why so many UnOrdinary fans like Elaine so much. It feels like they’ve skipped ahead in the story, makes them feel like they’ve been shown into Elaine’s life. Whenever this happens in other stories, the mean girl almost always gains redemption. Without realizing, some readers must associate Elaine’s supposed hidden, kind personality with some sort of atonement without Elaine ever actually doing anything or revealing anything. Because of widespread storytelling styles, our brains can easily connect this to patterns we see in most types of literature or media. We just skip over the middle part of, you know, the actual redemption. This trope being shown at the very beginning of the comic doesn’t give readers time to get used to Elaine before it happens, so they’re left pretty early on feeling that Elaine is being redeemed as a mean girl, but haven’t even seen the full extent of her morally bad traits. So, basically what I keep repeating: from the get go, Elaine’s appearances from scene to scene give the impression of someone who is trying to redeem themselves or has already redeemed themselves, without any of that actually ever happening.

I do not, however, think this is true for many fans. After this relatively clear switch near the beginning, Elaine’s character stays pretty consistently kind. When you see her being friendly more than you see her insulting some low-tier, it’s easy to associate her more with that. Maybe at the beginning of the story, this fake redemption would have drawn people to Elaine, but not this deep into the story. Because, let’s be honest, nobody even remembers her character from the beginning. It’s so easy to believe that Elaine’s character has always been portrayed the way it is being now because that’s all we’ve been shown for the past like 100 episodes. Elaine never really gets redeemed for what she did or how she acted towards the low-tiers. There’s not even evidence that her morals have changed at all or that she is more open-minded. It’s just, as the story progresses, Elaine is shown more and more exclusively talking to high-tiers or well-respected people at Wellston. As the story drags on, her negative traits are still there (we can assume this because we never see anything that clashes with this), they’re just not being shown. Elaine’s less desirable traits are being forgotten. All anyone really remembers or knows now is that Elaine is shy and kind. With or without the fake redemption I was talking about, she’s been acting like this for so long, it doesn’t even occur to most people that she didn’t used to be so nice.

This doesn’t fully explain why people like Elaine so much, but it’s a start to our investigation. This might explain why people don’t hate her as much as they should, based on canon events. They’re never actually shown her worst traits as much as they were in the beginning and the memory of those beginning events are fading.

I’m here to remind you: Elaine acts horribly to anyone that she doesn’t consider her level and she determines that mostly by tier. There’s loads of examples in like the first fourth of the comic, but not in recent chapters. Be aware of this.

I do believe I know the reason why she thinks and acts like this, though.

I’ve brought up this same thing in a post where I talked about Seraphina, but I think it was used differently than how I’m going to use it here, and, obviously, because of the reason, the circumstances are going to be different. I believe that Elaine has her mindset as it is because of her parents, how she was raised, and what she learned from the adults that surrounded her when she was younger.

Like I said, I’ve brought this up when talking about Seraphina once. I can’t find the post, but I basically said that Sera tended to be intensely self-involved because her parents always told her to watch herself, that she had to be number one, that she was in the spotlight because of her power. Elaine is different, though. I mean, obviously, we’re dealing with different issues here, so yeah.

Elaine inherited her tier discrimination mindset from her parents.

We know that Elaine’s parents have a good relationship with her (they send her oranges), so they probably talk a lot, so obviously Elaine would be influenced by their ideals. Also, I can’t think of any example out of any story ever or even in real life where someone discriminated against certain people or things when their parents didn’t. Ever. The kids are never that much more judgmental than their parents, kids usually even breaking the cycle. That’s how it’s been in real life for the last few years, and it’s great. Back on topic: I don’t believe Elaine gained these beliefs on her own. I believe her parents probably drilled it into her that she had to only associate with higher-tiers because not only is she not actually ambitious, which you would expect from someone who only acts decently to those who have more power than she, but she herself isn’t a high-tier. I don’t think she would learn to discriminate against those in her own tier (though she is a 3.5, not shabby) if not told by someone that she should because like…? Who’s like that?

So that’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that Elaine has been raised to believe that higher-tiers are more respectable and the only people deserving of total respect, based solely off of their ability, not their personality. Not something that I think is necessarily important to the questions I’m answering, so I didn’t really try to further my investigation into this, but I wanted to say what I think about this because I think it kind of impacts how I classify her as a person (good or bad)... god that sounds wrong to say.

This theory doesn’t excuse Elaine however. I didn’t excuse Seraphina for what I believed her parents were responsible for and I won’t let Elaine slide either. I hold her to this. She still does believe that low-tiers are inferior. That’s still an issue.

Most people that like Elaine like her because of her kind personality. She’s cute and shy, and that’s usually an instant recipe for success, right? But despite that obviously being the stereotype uru-chan was going for, she also managed to weave some character complexity into Elaine. It makes me sad that nobody notices, but I suppose it isn't super obvious.

I don’t think there is a definitive point that made Elaine into an understandable and likeable character, but her character detail is much more complex than I thought. I personally like characters for having diverse and different thoughts, so I like her concept. But to the people who like Elaine because she is nice and friendly… Move on to Remi. Elaine is not that person.

Liking Elaine is just a matter of what you enjoy in a character. I don’t like her personality, but I do think her character as a whole gives the UnOrdinary world such a diverseness.

Elaine is not a good person. I’m answering the question right here, right now. She’s, what word can I use here, tierist (?). She discriminates against people she doesn’t deem worthy of attention (bit too extremely worded but eh) and she decides who’s worthy based almost purely on ability, as we’ve seen so many times in this comic. Yes, she’s kind to her friends or people she wants to get closer with, but that should be a given. So I’m not exactly counting that as a good trait about her because it’s such a basic and fundamental thing, it would stand out a lot more if she wasn’t nice to her friends. It would be a lot more noticeable because how Elaine acts right now with her friends is honestly a societal expectation.

So: Elaine is a bad person, a diverse character, and someone that I’m overall happy to have in the story because of how her character impacts other characters and the plot around her. As with so many characters, in UnOrdinary especially, losing her presence in the story would drastically change the events of UnOrdinary. Without Elaine being who she is, UnOrdinary wouldn’t be what it is.

She’s still a dumb bitch tho.

[hobimysun-shine]

bts as billie eilish songs

I love both artist so much because they are so diverse, so driven and in love with their art, so here’s what my mind created at 2am when i actually gotta study for an exam, but anyhow, enjoy

Jeon Jungkook - Ocean eyes 

“Can't stop thinking of your diamond mind Careful creature Made friends with time”

- color scheme: Venice lavender; purple rain; valor blue 

- grey clouds, quiet ocean, salty air, cold sand, bare feet, long sweater, careful wind, watery eyes, 

- angelic, naive, trusting, incapable of stopping emotions

- a feel of uncertainty for the future, because you still have so much to experience in life, it’s hard to know who to trust, where to go and what your tears mean, who you should give them to 

- young love, pain

- it basically speaks of someone who is impressed by another human - love based on instinct and intuition, when you’re young you just feel things, even if you don’t know where these emotions come from (jungkook-namjoon relationship) ; 

- trusting someone by the feeling you get around them, without being able to trust your common sense,

- have you seen jungkook’s beautiful, ocean, doe eyes ?? (if not, then wth you doin’ with your life))

Park Jimin - idontwannabeyouanymore

“I just wish you could feel what you say Show, never tell But I know you too well Got a mood that you wish you could sell

Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before I don't wanna be you anymore”

- color scheme: pale smoke; scotch mist; apple blossom 

- cold air, morning dew, raindrops at the bottom of your window, the fabric softener your mom uses to wash your sheets, soft breathing on the side of your neck, white mirrors 

-  self-persuasion, self-critique, inner conflict, serenity, content, libra’s aesthetic approach

- if you have listened to lie and looked at the lyrics, you know why i chose this song for jimin 

- you basically get the feeling that the person is speaking to himself in this song, trying to find an answer, as to why he puts himself through all these hardships, when he could break free from this vacuum of perfectionism he created for himself

- let’s be real, we all know what jimin had to go through and maybe is still going through with being too harsh on himself, with his body image and his appearance on stage, i hope he is doing well now and is content with himself, cause he is a 100/10 and we all love him so much 

Kim Taehyung - hostage; my boy 

“I wanna be alone Alone with you - does that make sense? I wanna steal your soul”

“ My boy's an ugly crier but he's such a pretty liar”

- color scheme: concord purple; red wine; aurum gold

- big windows, night sky, city view, studio apartment, dark walls, smell of acrylic paint, ripped jeans with that paint splattered on them, acoustic guitars on the walls, quiet jazz music, film paper smoke, deep laughter, strong arms around your waist

- artistic freedom, no fear of judgement, mutual understanding, chest butterflies, assurance, hope, soulmates, in tune with your emotions, who cares if the world doesn’t get us, we get us

- hostage just reminds me of two people, who connect on a soul level so much, that what happens is their love turns into mutual engagement, similar to keeping each other as hostages in their hearts, however i wanted to turn the meaning of that song less toxic for taehyung,, 

- i believe that if there’s a member that would want to connect with people in such level as the song suggests, it would be taehyung

- as for my boy, idk it just gives me a similar base line as in singularity, and i don’t know it’s just probably my fave song of billie and i feel like it is just taehyung’s vibe when i listen to it 

Jung Hoseok - bellyache

“ Everything I do the way I wear my noose Like a necklace I wanna make 'em scared like I could be anywhere Like I'm wreck-less

I lost my mind I don't mind “

- color scheme: marigold yellow; apricot orange; candy red

- summer heat, tan skin, blushed cheeks, endless roads, loose shirts, scratched knees, rich kids away from home, one backpack and a shiny red ford convertible from your bf’s dad’s garage, loud music, lips, swollen from kissing, night fireworks

- fed up with everything, escape from reality, that one summer you will never forget, vibrant love, point of no return, rhythm, gut intuition, boldness 

- i don’t know exactly either, it’s just these are the connections i make when i hear this song, and all of that screams hobi to me (aries moon) 

- also am i the only one who imagines he would make a killer dance routine to that song (but again he could probably dance to a water drops going down a pipe, so,,)

Namjoon - bury a friend; copycat 

“What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me? What are you wondering? What do you know? Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me? When we all fall asleep, where do we go? “

“ Perfect murder, take your aim I don't belong to anyone, but everybody knows my name”

- color scheme: pearl river; silver fox, steel wood

- empty stage, burning projectors slowly being turned off, microphone heavy in your hand, as the words that went though it start to make sense, sweaty hair, footsteps echoing in the vast space, feeling of falling down, unexpected, but comforting hug, security, the calming scent of someone you know in this new environment, tears of fear and excitement at the same time, new life, new beginning

-  words said out loud, revenge, mixed feeling of content and fast approaching emptiness, always racing thoughts, insomnia, trying to fill a void, searching for an overall meaning, 

- so bury a friend is just has all these questions man. they remind me of rm’s mind. i feel like all of them are things he had already asked himself, or themes he implies in his songs too 

- copycat is for namjoon swiftly leading a group that got a ton of criticism in the beginning and is still getting hate, but regardless he manages to stay on top, write what he feels, be a real artist and throw everything people said about bts failing back at their faces 

Min Yoongi - lovely ; you should see me in a crown 

“Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here Even if it takes all night or a hundred years Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear”

“ You should see me in a crown I'm gonna run this nothing town Watch me make 'em bow One by one by, one”

- color scheme: marble white; smoke ember; royal silver;  

- dark room, cold hands, shaky breath, unable to look at each other’s eyes, fear of the outside and the inside, pocket money, long fingers pressing the out-of-tune piano keys, weary smiles, small steps

                                          (....)

 steady hands, marble walls, scent of freshly printed documents, looking through a box of old photo albums your mom sent, turning the pages a larger hand stops you from flipping the next page, two teenagers than look awfully like you two are staring back fearfully, low chuckles, eyes full of love  

- strong minds, growth, stability, strength, control, prosperity, hard work, passion, ambition

- lovely is in here because i feel like it portrays struggles with mental health and depression very well. you feel trapped and you feel like there is no one else who understands your personal hell and you are the only one who has to find a way for yourself to get out of that place. yoongi has been in such places before as we’ve heard from him and his lyrics, so i though lovely represents his struggles when he was younger

- you should see me in a crown. literally that’s all i can say, he worked for his success and he got it and he deserves it and he is killing it right now

- yall don’t know the amount of respect i got for this man and everything he has been through and i feel like these two songs portray his lowest and his highest in life and take account every struggle along the way and how he truly deserves everything he has right now 

Kim Seokjin - when the party’s over

“ Don't you know I'm no good for you I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

Don't you know too much already I'll only hurt you if you let me

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that”

- color scheme: night snow, onyx black, muddy grey

- smell of liquor, messy steps, blurred vision, flood of thoughts, the darkest time of the night, dried streams of tears on your cheeks, your boyfriend’s hand quietly holding yours, but them you have to split ways, walking alone on the dead street, cold wind air hitting your face, but you find comfort in it, you reach home, but you can’t seem to go in; so you sit on the sidewalk, looking down; you hear distant steps; he sits down in the snow next to you; the sky slowly, but surely becomes lighter 

- quiet sadness, deeper understanding of the world, human relationships seem harder, yet simpler, timeless feeling, a sense of maturity

- this song is just a masterpiece. hear me out, i don’t think i would understand this song as well as i do now, if i have listened to it a few years back. I would have been like “oh yeah it’s sad”

-But like. no. It’s not just sad. It’s a song that shows so much maturity and experience with life that first of all, idk how billie is so young and is able to create music like that. Second of all i don’t think anyone else of bts would fit better to it, than jin 

- people tend to overlook his deeper emotions because he tends to distract from them, he always acts “silly” and tells jokes, but i feel like in songs like epiphany and awake we can see that jin really sees the world and his abilities from a much more mature point of view than other members. And i get the same vibe from billie’s song, so i feel like it would fit best for jin. 

So actually this was way longer than i planned, but yeah, this is just strictly my opinion and it was just an idea i had at 3am now, as i said, hope it’s fun to read :))

im off to bed, because i’m so sleep deprived i will start hearing colors soon 

[poisener]

ELLE    &     GWEN  :  TWO FRIENDS TORN APART ONLY TO BE BUILT BACK UP AGAIN  :  a mini essay on friendship    &    more . 

       this is gonna be a semi - long ass post    &     hopefully one that is articulate    &    not some garbled mess but here we go .   i have a theory /  inkling about elle & gwen and it’s that they were ACTUAL FRIENDS at one point but had a vague falling out , i.e.  exhibited in the way that gwen’s circle of friends   ( god i don’t really know the girls names except erica & madison so forgive me but you know which girls that are always over at her house  .  ) treat /  regard elle .          elle is perceived as quiet  (     she herself has said she is sensitive /  doesn’t like change     )  ,         i personally write her as having some form of anxiety (    most likely a sort of social anxiety   )      &      people      (     especially girls who run in packs     )     don’t like things they don’t understand /   other girls they can’t control or ‘ figure out ‘ .        elle is one of those girls .  she’s pretty enough to be perceived as a threat by the girls who have hunky    &     potentially stupid boyfriends that would cheat on them  (   clark, jason , etc  ) .  she’s talented enough to be envied  .   she’s determined    &    strong enough to hold her own against people who would speak ill of her   ( though she always seconds guesses herself     &    probably doesn’t think of a comeback until after a situation  ) .  

GWEN’S GROUP OF FRIENDS  .  

     in episode 2  “ our to.wn “  we see elle getting ready for something,  she’s putting on makeup  ,   picking out what one might consider a nice dress, wearing accessories , case    &     point she’s making an effort.  she’s making an effort to distract herself from the dissolving world around her.  she comes up to the house   &    is turned away by one of gwen’s friends told to “ go”  after elle urges that she just wants some company.  the girl then says  “  why don’t you try one of your friend’s houses ??? “  .     at first glance, this is just an obvious reference that she’s a loner .      she has no friends . she has secluded herself from groups . but i think here , beyond her trying to make an effort in this new world , this might have been her old group of friends.       though she’s never been considered the most popular or running with the likes of harry /  kelly ,    she might have been friends of their friends,  mid level acquaintances / tolerated if you will because one of the people in this friend group genuinely liked her    &     i think that person might have been gwen .  

one thing that i did notice    &    that might be deemed insignificant by others or seem as far fetched is how they decorate their rooms .  gwen is in gymnastics /  possibly cheerleading     &     elle is in ballet  / other forms of dance .  they both hang their gymnastic accessories / cheerleading bows    &    ballet point shoes up on the wall straight in a row , as close as possibly to their bed or on an adjacent wall .  now, you may be saying ?  well , a lot of people display their competitive sports / trophies like that but i say ,   like minds think alike    &    i believe either gwen    &    elle were civil and knew each other from shared classes or shared sports / dance centers OR their parents were friends and thus they decided to decorate their rooms the same .  i think there’s some sort of shared /  history and bond between them .   another possibility is that gwen tried to integrate elle into the friend group    &    no one else really liked her so what did gwen do ? she badmouthed her ,  she possibly talked shit about her to her boyfriend who then told jason    &     luke who then told helena who then called her a thot in the hallway.  and yes,  that does seem like a silly / trivial thing in a show such as this to bring up but i think it was significant enough point to be made be elle    &    helena to bring up the past . words hurt especially when you don’t deserve them    &     they come from someone you respect or someone that doesn’t even honestly know you.  helena probably said it in the heat of the moment, there were probably rumors about elle floating around ,  vicious hurtful rumors or “ locker room talk  “ by clark    &     the other guys .  guys who would be influenced by their girlfriends perception of another female . 

now onto how gwen’s friends treat elle (  EP 2  thru finale )  .       they treat her as someone to be ignored . someone to scoff at . someone to pick on so they won’t get picked on by the god tier high school rich kids .      it’s a those who are bullied bully others mentality .     or those who don’t understand someone /  won’t take the time to get to know someone end up making fun of them mentality .      ex.   at prom when elle’s dancing mostly by herself but in their vicinity , the one girl with the wavy hair sort of rolls her eyes /  gives her friend a “ wth she’s fucking weird” look that normally would hurt elle but the girl in the red dress encourages her to dance / grabs her hand    &     twirls her around , this is also the scene where seconds later she bows in front of campbell    &     then they dance to a slow song later on.   it’s pretty sad to realize she probably got ready in her house alone while gwen ,  helena    &     the other girls all got ready together .  

this brings me to the other major theme in this essay that i think     ELLE    &     GWEN ARE BOTH CLOSETED BI’S OR QUESTIONING    &     SOMETHING HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM.   from like episode 4/5 or whatever on  ,  gwen is seen distancing herself from clark     &     she is seen QUESTIONING OTHERS RELATIONSHIPS    &    HER OWN RELATIONSHIP IN THIS NEW WORLD.  

elle    &    reaching out to gwen /  gwen’s friend group  :  

in the church in ep 1 she can be seen sitting close to kelly    &    gwen .  

ep 2 ,  she goes to gwen’s house only to get turned away . 

ep 3,   she gets excluded from the church all girls meeting .  

ep  3.  in the cafeteria, before campbell gives her the prom dress,  she is seen hesitating when seeing gwen, lexie    &    the other girl on those risers in the cafeteria.  gwens looks over for a split second ( so does lexie i think  )    &    elle ultimately chooses to sit by herself for fear of being turned away once more . 

ep 4 , after elle proposes movie night to kelly   &    elle attends movie night by herself ,   clarke    &    gwen walk her back to campbell’s house .  elle even mirrors her own words in ep 2 saying “thanks for the company guys. “ the company she so wanted in ep 2 but was denied .  gwen also lowkey picks up on the off vibe between elle   &    campbell ,  not only because she probs thinks campbell is a creep but because she knows elle personally . there’s a brief flicker of concern right after c kisses elle   &    starts petting her head . yeah, anyone could be weirded out by this but i think she showed genuine concern that a friend would have seeing another friend in this situation . 

ep 9 after the pie poisoning  ,   helena takes elle in     &     elle ultimately leaves helena’s home because she doesn’t want to put her or their other friends in danger. 

  ELLE    &    GRIZZ TALKING  (EP 2 )  /   GWEN    &    GRIZZ TALKING ( EP 1 thru THE FINALE  )      yes,  i don’t think it’s a coincidence that both girls are seen opening up   /  talking about intimate issues with grizz, the other half of a gay m/m couple who are completely the softest in all of new ham  .  grizz approaches elle unprompted in episode 2  “ our town  “  (  cause he’s a nice guy and he could see she was uncomfy  )  when she’s seen on the fringes of the fugitive game .  grizz tells her that everyone is scared    &     sometimes a silly game makes things better, she says that she doesn’t think it’ll help her much    &     she admits that she thinks GOD IS PUNISHING HER .      when i first rewatched  / heard this i was like “ oh she’s talking about campbell “  but i realized we don’t really seem them  together until later on in that episode where campbell  solidifies his choice with her /  they go to prom in the later episodes .   i think that elle thinks god is punishing her for SOMETHING SHE DID RELATED TO GWEN’S FRIEND GROUP OR FRIENDS  .   

quotes from gwen or instances where it seemed to be coded towards her questioning not only the world around her but her own sexuality /  curiosities . 

“  we might have to marry them one day, i mean ,  who else is there ?”   ---- gwen  in ep 2 after the fmk game where they talk about the boys.  

idk what ep but when she just randomly brings up that seth guy.  idk it reeked of “  lol boys like me . i like boys.  i met one once that i’m totes gonna get with later energy “   when everyone knows that’s a damn lie.  i think she overcompensates a lot when talking about guys  / making inappropriate jokes or playing fmk  , etc. 

when helena    &    gwen are getting ready for prom , gwen tells her that she wasn’t even going to go to prom with clarke. their relationship was already over in her mind    &     she was moving on .  she also asks helena about luke    &     them staying together saying ,  “how can you be so certain?” , ALSO , when she mentions stan/ford    &    says there are so many people  “ hot people. hot surfer people . you don’t think you’d be curious?”  got my bi antennas going WAY UP cause she totally could have said “ hot guys / dudes, etc. “   

she also says “  luke wasn’t just the best you could do for now?”  which is how i think gwen views her relationship with clarke    &    the small town that they are in    &    now the current situation they’re in . 

okay but grizz    &    gwen’s whole interactions in the finale screamed questioning / curious to me because g reading thoreau really fucked up gwen i think espc the whole  “ and not when i came to die, discover that i had not lived . “  i.e.  gwen not discovering / exploring her sexuality / her place in the world. 

gwen cuddling g  /  trying to lowkey put the moves on him    &    then grizz admits he’s gay to her.  

“ are you gay through    &    through or mostly gay?”  yeah, that’s insensitive wording    &    ignorant ,  but to her ,  it’s an honest question cause she’s curious about grizz . i wholly believe this was also a hopeful asking for her in terms of “ wow i guess that could be me too eventually?”  like i think she has so much respect for grizz so to see him out here living the best life he can and accepting who he is and telling her about that like  idk i just read that scene of it really opening up her world views /  the possibilities of life as someone who is questioning things. 

TLDR   ;    ELLE & GWEN USED TO BE GOOD FRIENDS . THEY   ARE BOTH QUESTIONING THEIR SEXUAL IDENTITIES  & PLACE IN THE NEW WORLD . THERE WAS SOME SORT OF FALLING OUT THERE I JUST  KNOW IT. GWEN & HER FRIENDS WEREN’T JUST BEING MEAN GIRLS, THEY WERE BEING MEAN EX FRIENDS  .   

[respectable-username]

Arg, while editing, I think I have to split up Chapter 10 of "I'm gon give it to ya" into two chapters. And the Chapter Formerly Known As 11 will almost certainly have to be 2, maybe 3 chapters with how my plans for the action are panning out. This throws off my plans and puts me way further from done than I'd like, which is frustrating.

I mean, it should be worth it as this is the climax where all the action is happening. Or, well, I hope it's worth it and it doesn't feel like a drag on pacing. TBH, once I'm finished this whole thing (it will happen I promise) I'd love to have somebody with more experience go through the whole thing and give feedback on everything, from pacing to character to the direction the story unfolded to if there's anything that feels unsatisfying to... I dunno, I just want feedback that I can learn from!

Anyway, I've finished the major editing of what will be Chapter 10 (I couldn't fit in the second half purely from a time perspective, even if I wanted to) and should release it some time tonight after I've gone through it a bunch more times for the detail edit. Probably should release it tomorrow night instead so I can edit wth fresh eyes. Ok, I've changed my mind, I'm releasing tomorrow. It breaks the "schedule" of Sunday releases, but TBH the concept of a schedule won't exist for the rest of this fic and I'll just be doing my best to release as often as I can.

Maybe for NaNo I should make it my goal to finish this fic 😛 Ok, that's not gonna happen, but maybe release one chapter/week can be my NaNo goal? That is fairly aggressive though, since I normally only write on weekends and like to edit my stuff before releasing... will see how it goes!

[purintarts]

My RFA + Saeran Personal HC

YOOSUNG

He's inexperienced in the dating department so don't be surprised when he under or over doing it

Yoosung could be dense and as observant as a wall

There would also be times when he could be selfish

You're cold? He might not notice a thing since he's seeking warmth for himself

Or eating the last piece of pizza without asking or splitting

He might not pick up the double meaning flirt you tried on him too

Blushing and stuttering when he finally gets it

But when he dotes on you, he will dote on you

He'll try his best and even do research for dates and gifts

He saw a cake you just like? Expect it on your table soon

He can be bold and dominating if he wants to 

He ain’t all that innocent, he knows what he’s doing *wink*

But not in the first few months of you started dating, it's gonna be a daily thing soon

Despite how much time he spends on his game, he cares for his future

He's a responsible man, trust me

One time your period was late, The boy was already searching for a job

Always send you before your curfew and informs your parents if he's taking you out

His dream is to have a family and to be the perfect husband and father

He tries not to get jealous but he tends to

He's sweet and cuddly If he sets his mind onto something, he will do his best to achieve it

He's rather impatient and impulsive

so you have to calm him down a lot

He loves touching you or just be near you

Yoosung's flirting could actually take you off guard

You would be stun and couldn't even mutter a word when he teases you

Angry Yoosung would be savage Yoosung

He tends to keep it bottle up so when his anger had reach the limit, he'll tell you every detail that you won't even remember

He holds grudges till his death

You don't want to crossed him when he's angry

Trust me when I say he gets better with age

You'll wake up in the morning and thank your old self and the heavens for choosing him as your life partner

He works hard and put his all in his work

Quite sensitive and he's not afraid to show his tears

A devoted lover, you'll be the most prettiest and perfect person in his eyes and no one could say otherwise

A giver

Girls wish they were you if they knew how he could be to his lover

One time you two were on break to focus on your studies, three girls approached him

"I'm sorry but I have a girlfriend"

He would come to you in the middle of the night if you were sick

Always make time for you and the people he loves

He knows he's young and childish so works hard to be a man that you could be proud of

Boyfriend/Future Husband Material

ZEN

You'll never feel awkward with himHe makes everything natural and you don't have to act or force yourselfHe talks a lot but he's also a good listener

Gossip partner

"So what happen to Susan from work? Did she get back with her man?"

Social butterfly, he gets along well with everyone including your family and friendsYou know when he's angry when he starts cursing and ranting at the same timeShort-tempered and could get angry at the smallest things like

Not putting back his stuff after using it

Which you always do but you learnt to put it back eventuallyHe rants at everything, pretty muchHe has a bag full of cosmetics and makeupZen's self control is better than what he credits himself

Literally stopped himself halfway despite you both being half naked just because you had rush somewhere

You told him you can be late but he begs to differ 

"I'll take you once you return. We have the whole night"

He doesn't discriminate men doing feminine things like getting their nails done and going to the spa

Because he does it himself (Couple spa is his favourite)

He is more than being beautiful and sex

He always works hard and a major workholic

Despite the fact how he loves it when people compliments his looks, he loves it more if they compliment his skills and talents

Boyfriend Material

Expect lots of cheesy pickup lines

Never fails to call you once a day even for a minute to say good morning

Sometimes get embarrassed if he watches himself on tv with another person

Despite the fact he smokes, he hate smelling bad

He carry mints and perfume everywhere he goes

He will never be boring

Even if he has a lot of female co-workers, he always keeps his limits (whether or not he is in a relationship)

He respects people's personal space because he wants people to respect his

Gets insecure every now and then

But he will never let you feel that way

Supportive Lover

He'll support you in everything you doAlways up for a rant on someone or something

The number one person in the RFA to be a parent because of an accident

JAEHEE

Sensible and responsible

If you had a bad day, she'll listen and give you advices

She gives warm hugs

She will support you in everything you do too

but she will always talk about the down side and the consequences

Workholic

She doesn't like to lean on people and tend to do everything herself

Quite a lone wolf

Doesn't care what people think of her

"They don't know me"

She'll tell you to take care of yourself but neglect her own well-being

Overthinking, she looks to the future and sometimes you need to tell her not to worry

Rather paranoid

Always up to fangirl 

Don't let her looks fool ya, she read those fanfics especially about Zen

"Oh I love reading this! Jaehee you should try reading it"

"I've already read it twenty times"

"What?"

"...It's good"

An observant person, she knows if there's something wrong if you answered her differently

Sometimes, she doesn't answer her phone because she doesn't want to put with any shit

But calls back 10 minutes later because she's afraid it might be important

She's very patient and doesn't get angry easily

But when she is, you better prepare yourself

She lied, she wasn't going to sleep, she has a marathon to watch

Your minds are connected (great mind think alike)

Soul sisters/Lovers

JUMIN

Despite the fact how he is never afraid to tell you about how he feels about you

There are times when he could be quite cold

Especially when he's very busy and occupied, he might not give you any attention at all

But he'll make it up later when he calls you

Always makes time for his love ones

Responsible and mature

He knows what he wants and find ways to get it

Observant and calculative

Don't bother hiding what you like or dislike, he already knows.

But there are also times when he could be quite dull and dense

Jumin could be awkward and there are times when he doesn't know what to

Sometimes he doesn't know what actions he should take and ended up with using his money

Because that's what his father usually did (don't blame him for his only parent as a rolemodel)

Watching his father had gave him a lot of different views and creates the him now

Passionate Lover

When he gives you all his attention, you will be suffocated

He doesn't get angry even when you did something stupid

but he will show an emotion of distaste by a frown

Never filters what he wants to say

He's spoiled, don't deny it

He doesn't know how to wash the rice or do the laundry

Don't even bother asking him to help you with the house chores, he'll make it worse

But he's neat so his penthouse wasn't that dirty to begin with

Fast-learner, he picks up things fast whether cooking, babycare or you

He swore to himself that his children will grow up with a mother 

Very forgiving, he'll forgive you even if you did him shit

But never forgets it

If he's angry, he will let it out in one shot

He doesn't stay angry for long (it's easy to coax or make up with him)

Doesn't care what people think of him, but cares how you and his father thinks

He likes keeping people together, he doesn't like broken friendship (unless they are very toxic, goodbye)

The perfect Husband material.

707

Yes, he is fun

But not always

There are times when he's cold and quiet

If he's really tired (like haven't slept properly for a week tired), he's a short fuse

He'll tell you to eat but he himself forgets to eat

Tend to forget the time 

"What day is it? What time is it? What? I've been working for over 28 hours?"

Sometimes you think he's out but really, he's just in his room

He has depression and insecurities

He might be laughing in the chatroom but he was probably crying a second ago 

"I deserve this" 

Taking his guilt to beat himself up

Be it about his brother or you

Really bad at comforting someone

You need to show him what you want when you are crying and he'll do it

Or he’s going to awkwardly patting you back with that awkward laugh

He can get serious and it much serious than Jumin

"This is no laughing matter, MC" 

He doesn't really know how to show his love

So the only time he shows it is in bed

Other than that, you have to make the first move

He'll learn by watching your actions

Always worried about you, afraid that someone might take you away or hurt you

Stalker Lover over here

And he doesn't bother to hide it

He is always afraid but he will never show it

You could be sleeping in his arms and he'll stare at you while crazy scary situations plays in his head"

Hurt me, never her

"He would die for you, literally, as long as you are safe and soundIn his good days, he would do crazy things with you

He doesn't control his image

He doesn't have an image wth

Well rested, no work Seven is the best Seven!

Stubborn, very stubborn, it's hard to persuade him

He doesn't have strong self-control, and he's rather impulsive

Brilliant but like any men, could be quite dense

“Take you? Take you where? I can't take you out right now, I have work”

If he had been overworking, don't even bother making a conversation 

“Orange is the new black? Orange can't be the new black it's a different colour. If Orange is black then what is black?"

"Seven...It's a TV show"

"IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE"

...especially a joke or sarcastic remarks

"How do I know why the chicken cross the road, It's a CHICKEN!"

Brain overworking- Error!

Overworking Paranoid Lover

V

No, he's not always sugar and smiles

There are times when he has his bad days too

He'll be quiet and coldV is gentle no denying

but he could also be demanding at time

He likes to shut himself out rather than to talk about his feelings

Those bottle up emotions will burst during an argument

He accepts everything because he feels that he deserve it

Even the pain

He's not brave but he tries too

He tends to run away rather than facing the problem

A great listener and also good at persuading people

He has this power to make people listen to him

As a lover, he is passionate and caring

A true gentleman

Ideal Boyfriend Material over here

He'll always be there for you when you need him

But he is quite selfish

Sometimes he do things what he thinks it's best for you two than discussing with you first

Which end up with more argument

But you two never be in bad terms for long

Because he would apologize and discuss about it

The people he loves, left him

He tends to think that he is the problem

Needs lots of assurance

“I'm with you because I want to, Jihyun”

Love making is usually gentle unless during making up after an argument

He could be rough and merciless if he wants, which is rare

He will make sure you are cared and loved

Because he knows how it feels like when no one cares

He loves to travel because he feels free

He accepts everyone as who they are 

"There's nothing wrong with you"

The man to accept you even your flaws

SAERAN

He's bipolar, ain't denying it

He's ray when he's happy and excited

He's unknown when he's angry or annoyed

But it's him.It's like dating two people.

He's gentle and shy at one moment

Rough and bold the next

But it is him

He hesitates and overthinks alot

Doesn't like crowds or skinship unless to those he's close too

The only way to know that he's comfortable with it is if he did the first move

Anxiety, insecurities are his biggest weaknessB

ut also his biggest strength

He tries to help people so they won't go through the same thing he did

Which is why he fits in the RFA

To be frank, he was scared falling for you

What if you leave him too?

But his feelings were out of control and he's glad for that

He is still a child in a man's body 

So he love cuddles, compliments, appreciation

He craves love

But tries to hide, but it's so obviousT

ends to have conversation with himself, he will be muttering under his breath

Don't worry he's not that crazy

It's just Ray and Unknown debating

"What if she doesn't like it"

"She's waiting for it"

"What if we thought wrong"

"It's your chance"

"i don't know"

"Do it, do it now”

Then he'll turn around only to kiss your forehead

Unknown may be toxic but he is the motivator

Without him, Ray might not exist

Saeran will live in total despair and sadness

The debates within himself is what kept him alive

"Kill yourself? What a waste, escaping the witch to live only to kill yourself in the end? Pathetic"

"But I'm not needed... I deserve to die"

"Without revenge?"

"...We need revenge"

He's very possessive and gets jealous easily

For you, he would do anything to keep you by his side

He acts like he doesn't like it, but his eyes will tell you want he wants

Open relationship with one man

Ideal son

But I don't want him to be my son therefore I'll bear his son instead

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 5

...reading this drains my soul...OTL <-- Me crawling forward in the same way I keep making myself read the chapters lol

1. Seriously, why Bum

Well, I say that, but the more I think of it, the more I can see other people reacting similarly, even if that wouldn’t be the common response. Bum doesn’t really know what else to do but follow Sangwoo’s orders and he does increase his chances of survival in the long run if he just does what Sangwoo says. He might die from the rat poison, but he definitely will end up getting something broken/cut off if he disobeys Sangwoo. 

Also, Bum doesn’t just have BPD (because if it was just that, honestly, Bum doesn’t fit the criteria from what I’ve seen), he has dp/dr disorder, psychosis, and complex PTSD. So I think all of that mixed together, it really effects the way he sees things, which explains his less...sensical conclusions. 

But that’s just a realistic outlook. From a more personally entertaining one, it’s kind of like Bum has this block that keeps him from doing things like lashing out at Sangwoo. 

If Sangwoo ended up eating the poison, Bum could allay responsibility by saying “well, that’s his fault for falling for it, I gave all possible clues that I poisoned it after all”, which could give another angle as to why he reacted so obviously. This is Bum’s way of keeping what little sanity he has in tact, even if it does mean staying with Sangwoo. I dunno, I have a lot of thoughts on KS and I have no clue on how to dump them all out in a way that would make fkkn sense...because, actually, a lot of them disconnect and branch off into alternatives, so are technically separate from each other, which ends up confusing me lol. 

2. Ohhhh okay

Oh this is why Sangwoo called Bum ugly...he also called him a bunch of other stuff earlier, but the ugly part--just contained to this scene--is also spurred by how Bum tried to poison him. 

It also does makes sense because Sangwoo knows that, even if someone smiles at him in the way Bum does, it can’t mean anything good because he KNOWS he has done nothing to deserve Bum’s smile.

And I dunno, the way Sangwoo ensures that Bum swallows it, reading Bum’s intentions to not swallow (which...how were you going to make that happen, Bum) and silently giving a physical warning to make sure he does swallow as punishment for what he tried to do. 

To be honest, now that I know Sangwoo’s mom killed the dad via poisoning, I’m surprised that this wasn’t a trigger for Sangwoo.  He beat Bum up for dropping plates, so why didn’t Bum trying to off him the way his mom offed his dad send Sangwoo off the deep end?

3. Wait, so what happened after this???

Did...obviously Sangwoo didn’t actually...finish eating it right??  So what the heck, what did they do after this?  Why is it that Sangwoo is just...treating everything normally?  I mean, he didn’t make Bum cook something different, but he had to have eaten something...but he wasn’t angry at Bum ruining dinner???  No seriously, there’s a huge gaping hole in plot here. 

Bum listening to Sangwoo’s orders actually did end up saving Bum. It appeased Sangwoo. Maybe because they were able to get past this pretending that everything was ‘normal’?  In a way, it’s like Sangwoo is saying ‘Yeah, I don’t blame you for trying to poison me. Thank you for being so goddamn obvious about it, btw. It was like you were trying to save me hahah.’

4. ...Did...

...Did Sangwoo just call the radio station he always has on in his house to ask them to play that song??

Seriously, it’s like everything Sangwoo does just shows how trapped he is in the past.

5. No seriously

What does Sangwoo DO in that basement???

6. Oh hey, the first time he does this

Like when Bum later tries to kill himself, Sangwoo is about to put him back in the downstairs bedroom, changes his mind, then brings him upstairs to his bedroom. 

So in here, he does the same because Bum is injured THE SAME WAY HE WAS TRYING TO KILL SANGWOO, but Sangwoo still decides to take care of him in a better way. He no longer doesn’t think it’s “right” for Bum to be in the basement, Bum has no place there anymore. 

And it shows that Sangwoo is really just...reactionary. He really means it when he later tells Bum “I don’t plan things” because...gahdang, man. The way he just reacts to his environment is really split second, it’s kind of unnerving and it really contributes to the worsening of his PTSD. 

7. Oh my god Sangwoo

Wth is going through your brain, seriously.

Okay wait, now that I’ve gone through more chapters and got to point #11, maybe Sangwoo is just...confused as fuck. As in, why Bum is this way. Since we later see Sangwoo treating Bum only after he tries to kill himself, then maybe Bum actually took the poison himself and here we see the aftereffects of the ‘suicide’. So maybe this is just an early parallel to what Bum will outright be doing in the future.

This also explains why, in earlier panels before collapsing, Bum is asking himself “what’s happening”, because him and Sangwoo ate the rat poison, but there was no reaction, so he maybe thought that it wasn’t enough or the rat poison was just regular salt pills or something. I don’t freaking know.

8. Wow, Sangwoo really going the extra mile here

I can assume that Bum actually vomited in the bucket, but it’s clean, implying that Sangwoo actually cleaned it up for him. 

9. Okay...?

So either Bum is having auditory hallucinations or Sangwoo brought back his next hunt.

So that could be another reason why Sangwoo doesn’t think Bum belongs in the basement, because he’s no longer the ‘prey’ that Sangwoo reserves that basement for. Bum means more than them.

10. *squints* is that...not blood??

Saliva? Tears? Sweat?? Water from washing dishes???  jfc

11. “Are you okay?” *WHEEZE*

I love how Koogi does not reveal whether Bum means that in a “shouldn’t you be sick too” or a “I hope you’re not sick” and...seriously, I’m just really confused at what’s going on.

Does this mean that Sangwoo DID eat the soup and whatnot??@?!?!?!?!?!   WAS BUM PUTTING THE GODDAMN RAT PILLS JUST HIS IMAGINATION!?!?!??!  I’M.  I’M SO CONFUSED!?!??!?!  IS THAT WHY SANGWOO IS TREATING HIM SO NICELY????  BECAUSE HE THOUGHT BUM WAS TRYING TO POISON HIM, BUT ACTUALLY THAT WASN’T WHAT BUM DID!?!?!?!?!?!  WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GAPS, KOOGI, YOU’RE REALLY JUST TRYING TO FUCK WITH OUR BRAINS HERE HUH (i seriously and sincerely applaud you).

12. ...*stares off into the distance*

What goes through your head whenever you end up asking these things, Bum?

13. I genuinely do think Sangwoo is fine with this

Even though there are parts of Sangwoo that are confusing--because he can be impulsive--for the most part, it’s easy to see what parts will trigger him or not. I think Bum being genuinely interested in Sangwoo and pleading for things that have the “let me be with you” vibe is what Sangwoo wants all along, so it won’t trigger him. 

But that’s only if Bum does things like stop trembling and actually looking like he wants to be with Sangwoo, since Sangwoo can very accurately read Bum’s body language and what not. 

14. Wait, sir, you are a fkkn unreliable narrator

Uhm...they died in a homicide three years ago, Sangwoo...that was when you were 21/22...are you saying the last time you sat at the little table with your mom, your dad overlooking you, was during high school???  I cannot trust your explanations lol.

15. First look into Sangwoo’s childhood abuse

Huh, this entire thing is interesting because it makes me go at an entirely different angle than what ended up actually happening at the end. 

If I read this webtoon while it was being updated, I would’ve never come to the conclusions I’m coming up with now because the ending gives the story an entirely different conclusion. 

For one, if it really is the run of the mill domestic violence situation, I honestly don’t think Sangwoo would be killing women the way he is now. There was something else to these memories. Something that was so much sinister than what happened growing up with his father, that it completely broke Sangwoo in a way that his father’s abuse did not. Something that he can never say until his madness ran so deep, that he could no longer suppress those memories. 

The one we see here, with the table, was actually the least worse of Sangwoo’s memories. That is why he is able to bring it up, even in a fond a way. Because, in a way, these were Sangwoo’s happiest memories. The least painful ones. The safest of them. 

That is why, as we get further in the story, we can see the descent into the truth of Sangwoo’s path directly correlating to how he is destroying himself in real time (I just wanna know when that occurs, because obviously, Bum is the catalyst for Sangwoo’s destruction).

16. Ooooh, Koogi’s art

I love the dichotomy between Sangwoo’s mom (Eunsoo???) and Sangwoo’s appearance. Eunsoo (even if it’s wrong, it’s easier just to type this lol) doesn’t actually acknowledge or see the reality before her, but her mouth is wide open in fear to show how she is still reacting to it. Sangwoo, on the other hand, only has his eye drawn because he does see the reality before himself. But because he’s powerless and he knows that using his words/making sounds will do nothing or even make the situation worse, he is mouthless.

17. “someone like you”

Honestly, for me, this was more derogatory than Sangwoo calling Bum ‘ugly’ and a ‘loser’. Here, it’s like acknowledging Bum is worthless that, if it weren’t for current circumstances, he would’ve never opened up to Bum like this. It’s just that Sangwoo has no better alternative, so he has no choice but to rely on Bum. This type of tone carries on throughout the series, where it’s obvious that Sangwoo is only with Bum because he would literally have no one else by his side.  

In another way, Sangwoo is saying that an abusive serial killer is the only type of person that could ever be with “someone like” Bum. 

18. Wait what??

Uh so this is the immediate reply after Bum saying sorry and...I honestly am at a loss over what Sangwoo means by this. 

19. Hmmmn...

Well, knowing that I know now, Sangwoo is saying this because he doesn’t want Bum to do this to himself and this is the only way he knows how to show his concern and desire to keep Bum alive. 

When Sangwoo is verbally abusing here, it seems to have a different vibe than the other times. I can’t really explain why without having to look back at my other notes, but when Sangwoo says things “I hate guys like you the most”, it’s his way of deterring Bum from trying to hurt himself again. 

And honestly, if I’m right and Bum actually swallowed the rat pills himself, then Sangwoo is thinking Bum was actually trying to kill himself and that is what spurred him even more into making these comments. 

20. l;earjgiejario;gejrogjreagpjrea’ fucking hell

This is more deranged when you know HIS MOM’S CORPSE IS LITERALLY BEHIND THE WALL IN THE LIVING ROOM HAHAHHAH. 

21. UhhhhHHHHHHHH

that...that ISN’T A GOOD THING THOUGH SANGWOO.  You'RE NOT DEALING WITH THE TRAUMA, YOU’RE JUST BURYING IT TO LET THE WOUNDS FESTER AND COME OUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.  PLEASE SANGWOO.

“Why? How? I looked for the reason. And then I saw you. You might’ve been sprawled in the basement, but the fact that we were together made me feel relieved. And I’m even being loved! That makes me feel so strong. You wanted to know what you should do right? *kisses Bum’s wrist* I wonder if this is a good enough answer.”

...Honestly, I do not have the energy to parse out my thoughts on this matter. Not right now.  :’)

22. *rubs hand over face* And here comes the hard part

It actually is interesting that Sangwoo still kisses Bum despite the fact that he has been vomiting the whole day and didn’t actually brush his teeth.

He complained about Bum’s leg hair, so I would’ve expected Sangwoo to grimace and say that Bum was right. However, he didn’t. Actually, Bum’s reaction might’ve even made Sangwoo want to kiss him more (Bum blushing, obviously wanting to kiss, but trying to think of Sangwoo and worrying about being too gross). 

In a way, I do think this is all of Sangwoo’s way of trying to ensure Bum doesn’t leave him. He’s trying to ensure Bum doesn’t try to kill himself, to a point where he’ll give Bum some semblance of romantic love even if he himself doesn’t feel that. Because desperation to not be alone--to have someone who can love him unconditionally in the way he has never been loved--is different from truly want to be with someone.  

He’s using sex and romance as weapons to keep Bum, because he has never seen either used as anything healthy.

23. UggggghhhHHHHHHHHH

Honestly, the hardest part for me to go through is the sexual/romantic parts between Sangwoo and Bum.  😂  Because those are things that are supposed to only be between people who love, respect, and trust each other, and those two up there are so far from that those are not even an option for them. 

Like seriously, this was the part I was dreading reading, but I’m scared about missing a detail that’s important to the rest of the story.

And honestly, the thing that pains me the most is Bum’s response. He really loses himself whenever pleasure is involved. He is so low on feel-good neurotransmitters that he can lose himself in something like this and it really hurts because it makes everything so much worse and I’M DYING. 

24. *wheeze*

Okay, but this reaction actually made reading this less painful xD I’m dying for a different reason lol

So another poster did mention how this harkens to him most likely having a oral-based trauma. And considering how his mom did rape him before killing herself, this is a very, very likely possibility. 

I also don’t think this connects to him *ahem* “not being gay” because, honestly, getting a blow job doesn’t have to necessarily come from a female. Arguments can be made that a straight man can accept BJs from men. 

But either way, I frkkn agree with Sangwoo because Bum is SCARY. Like. Bum wanting to give Sangwoo a BJ honestly terrifies me too. And it cracks me up that Sangwoo genuinely looks unnerved and confused by Bum’s reaction, it’s hilarious. 

OH WAIT. 

Continuing on, Sangwoo allows Bum to touch his dick??  Huh. I dunno, maybe I just have a screwed perception, but touch seems like more...intimate than a BJ?  BJ has a more superior vibe to it that can easier objectify the giver. So Sangwoo refusing one does support more of the oral-trauma theory. 

25. Ooooh??

I think it’s really interesting that Koogi decided to not draw Sangwoo’s expression here. 

It really does seem like Sangwoo is only doing this because it’s a way to keep Bum with him. Later, as we see him get more sexual with Bum, we also see him lose more and more of himself to the trauma with his mom. 

26. Okay but this blush

Awh...he could’ve been such a cutie pie...:’)  Seriously, Sangwoo could’ve been such a good person, both him and Bum could’ve, so it really breaks me knowing that they couldn’t be.

Anyways, I don’t think this blush is in response to the hand job. I do think that the reason why Koogi didn’t show his expression is because Sangwoo was dissociating from the situation. Later, we see him confusing Bum with his mom during sexual moments, so I don’t even think Sangwoo enjoys sex with women. There is too much trauma for him to enjoy sex in general. If I’m correct (I might be able to see it more once we see Jieun), then Sangwoo can only have sex without dissociating if it’s violent and unhealthy. 

The moment he feels pleasure, his mind blanks out. The moment he feels happiness, he tries to destroy it. The moment he feels ‘normal’, his psyche breaks even further. And Bum makes it worse because--as you see here, he doesn’t actually pay attention to anything else but his own pleasure--and he takes things face-value so that he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences.  Bum is just as messed up as Sangwoo, only in a different way, so they both bring out the worst from each other. Which is difficult because the only time they can ‘feel’ the best is with each other. 

Anyways, I think this blush is because of what Bum said: “I wish we could mix together like this”...with...the sperm. God Bum, you’re killing me. 

Anyways, Sangwoo’s reaction is due more to the romantic aspect, with the thought of him and Bum being together forever. For that to happen, he’s willing to let his relationship with Bum be sexual despite how he can’t have a healthy sexual relationship. 

Yeah, okay, it was important for me not to skip that part, I can accept defeat. OTL

[zenlesszonezero]

You feelin' fired up now? Make way for the undefeated Champion! —Welcome to New Eridu!— PS5™/iOS/Android/PC | Version 1.3 "Virtual Revenge" of Zenless Zone Zero, HoYoverse's urban fantasy ARPG, is out now

[joysmercer]

Grey’s Anatomy 14x14 Final Thoughts

My brain is split into two right now: “I hate Grey’s and how DARE they do this I’m never watching again” and “that episode!”

Let’s ignore the first half for now, and we’ll get back to it later. I have a LOT to say, don’t worry. 

The episode opens with Amelia feeling really horny. Kind of random and out-of-the-blue, but unlike other unexpected decisions from this show recently, I didn’t mind this one. I loved seeing this cute, spunky side of Amelia, one we really haven’t seen since…Derek died, really. Aside from this new side of her, Amelia was also really dishing out the sass today, from telling Bello to get her head out of her ass (and hopefully leaving Deluca/Sam out of the picture for a while) to putting Koracick in her place, and I liked it :) Overall, it was a much-needed upward trend for this girl, and I really hope it continues.

Over to Owen, this dude was also dishing out sass. Thank goodness he put those boys in their places before they took out someone’s nose or something. It’s been a while since we saw “Major Hunt” being all commandeering and such, and it’s nice to see that side of him again. 

Apparently, being sassy together translates to being sexy together as well (sorry, that was bad phrasing, but idc).I just knew something would happen from the opening elevator scene, and was almost certain it would be in this episode from the ER conversation (“I like a man with authority”/“me too”). And her blurting out her feelings as soon as she saw Owen is classic Amelia. Her “sex speech” followed by Owen’s ““I want you to use me in any way you can think of” will forever have a place in my heart <3 <3 <3 Omelia Will Rise Again! Maybe a double wedding with Jolex at the end of the season?

Aside from the Bello situation, Deluca was not really as intolerable as he was the last episode. This was the first time since Carina’s introduction that we really saw the two of them act like siblings, and I really want more of them interacting!!

But Koracick. Oh my god. This guy got even more sleazy, if that’s even possible. I’m not going to say much more on that subject, except that he’s apparently going to help April next episode and I really hope he doesn’t screw up. April’s leaving, but it better be on terms true to her character, not because some ass screwed her up for good.

Speaking of April. Grey’s anatomy told the entire Domestic Abuse storyline in 2 episodes, but they’re taking their own sweet time solving this Crisis of hers. I was initially glad Hunt sent her home early, because even though the Ear thing was not her fault, this girl really needs to get her act together. But, I said initially happy because apparently, she decided to go home and get drunk instead. Which, y’know, wouldn’t have happened if Arizona (or literally anyone) was paying the slightest attention to her.

Instead, her best friend was off trying to solve the issue of maternal mortality rates (granted, a super important study) but not really making any headway except to accuse her friend of being a bad doctor. great move. On a side note, did anyone else catch that chemistry between Arizona and the OB? Or am I just making it up? 

And onto the second (and “ugh”-est) huge development of this episode. Jaggie. WHY SHONDA WHY? Both of them were sooo awkward at Game Night that I wanted to throw my phone at the TV. Okay, I admit Jackson being protective of Maggie was cute, but in a more brotherly way (like Meredith and Alex, except obviously not as deep). But even when they kissed, I just couldn’t see it. No chemistry whatsoever. They’re better as friends. BUT I was super surprised that “perfect” Clive turned out to be married (”you must be the woman who’s been screwing my husband” flashbacks, anyone?). Maggie doesn’t need Jackson, but she certainly deserves much better than a pathological liar. But anyway, apparently these two are canon now, so I’ll be fast-forwarding a lot of scenes in the future :/

And finally, Meredith and Jo’s story. I’m going to ignore the fact that these two have been getting wayy more screen time for their project than any other doctor so far, and just talk about their current positions. It turned out that the old guy died, and the polymer now belongs to - surprise! - Meredith’s family friend! Who, unfortunately, refuses to sell Mer the patent until she saw proof that it worked, which was a risky move on the doctor’s parts, especially with later developments: Marie was not Ellis’s best friend, and they apparently had a huge feud over something. So Meredith just admitted to stealing, to the person she stole from, and gave away her ground-breaking surgical plans, and I just feel really bad for her and Jo. The one good thing about this, though, is that she interrupted Jaggie in her quest for her mother’s journals. I really, really hope that whatever caused Ellis’s and Marie’s fight won’t impact the project, although knowing Grey’s, it probably will. 

Okay, onto some smaller plot points. 

First of all, how stupid can interns be? They were never formally invited to anything and they still showed up? I’m glad Casey had nothing to do with it, and it was just the two most idiotic, Glasses and Hellmouth. But still. Instead of firing April and Arizona, get rid of these two instead. Also, uh, what the heck is going on with Jolex? I mean, Paul died and all of a sudden there’s a standstill. They didn’t even talk this episode, all we got was Jo smiling in a doorframe. Alex and Kimmy, on the other hand, were adorable and I’m so glad Alex advocated for her while addressing her Grandmother’s fears. Medical Marijuana can do so much good, and it’s a pity most states don’t allow it.  Also, addressing what was, I’m assuming, supposed to be the “central theme” of this episode, what is going on with the lawsuit and everything? It just seemed really random and interjected in there just to get Kepner drunk. Which honestly, served no purpose except to make me fast-forward everytime April spoke. And speaking of “central themes,” that might have been the lamest Game Night ever. And Maggie’s sisters didn’t even show! wth grey’s, wth.

In all, this episode was so good at some points (Omelia! Ellis Grey Plot-Twist!) and so bad at others (Jaggie & the entire Game Night tbh). The promo for next week does confirm two things, one of which makes me (kinda) happy, and the other which makes me want to throw up: 1, Koracick and April (probably) didn’t sleep together; 2, we’re in for a lot more Jaggie, and Maggie is apparently spending more time with her boyfriend’s kid instead of her 2 nieces and nephew (seriously, did Zola, Bailey, and Ellis just…dissappear? Brief glimpses of them are not enough, people). 

--

Alright. To today’s news. 

I was talking it over with some friends before tonight’s episode, and we realized that both April and AZ have no real storylines, but both are in a position where there is real potential for some amazing plots. However, the writers needed to fire someone apparently, and since these two haven’t really had any development in forever, they were the first to go. Now, I love Maggie (like, a lot more than most people), but if they needed to shorten the main cast, she would be my first pick. Or, just promote Casey to attending (I mean, Jo’s residency is apparently 7 years long, so this won’t be that bad) and fire the rest of the interns. But don’t get rid of two phenomenal actresses who have been on the show, dedicated their lives to it, for more than a decade. And if they did it to get back at Pompeo for her pay rise, that’s just cruel. What’s even more cruel, though, is going after Ellen for somehow playing a part in this. Leave her alone! If ABC had said “Sorry, we can’t afford this, otherwise we’ll have to cut the main cast,” she probably would have reduced her price. I mean, she and JCap are super close. Just saying. 

As I was watching the episode, I just kept thinking how absolutely central these two are to the rest of Grey’s. regardless of their lack of stories, nothing would function on the show without them -- we wouldn’t have a Fetal Surgeon, nor a main-character OB anymore, and God knows what will happen to the ER without April around. 

I’m really going to miss these two. This was not fair to us, but it definitely wasn’t fair to Drew or JCap.

[czec-hoslo-vak-ians]

Hey guys I'm back with another episode review sorry it's been like a lifetime I apologize but let's get into the episode.

Michael and Maria💜

Scene goes👽

Isabelle and Alex so cute this has to be a dream sequence Isabel does not let anyone like that. Definitely dream sequence because Michael is watching like he's a jealous little person. Love the color of the dress the top half of the dress not a fan of the length of the dress it was shorter dress I think it would have looked stunning on Isabel. An alien alien relationship I would totally skip Michael and Isabel. The pairings in the show show are great. 👽 Liz is letting Max off the hook way too easily she saw him kiss another girl and not just a small little this was a hot and heavy one. Test creeps me out and I love it she is untrustworthy. Test if a smart girl she knows what is up.

She definitely was not acting totally innocent she definitely knows that you guys are on to her because she wouldn't have asked why is everyone following me if she did not have an Inkling. I totally understand where Michael is coming from and wanting to trust test however I understand this side of Max not to trust them because they were raised human. Alex she wants to be involved he's willing to risk getting to know Tess. I love that Isabelle is looking at Michael with luscious eyes and Michael is looking at her like what the WTH looking at me for. Michael has such a confused face on right now.

Of they would have found the camera eventually in their house they've been on the run for years they know when to sweep there houses for camera. Valenti being suspicious of this new fella. Valenti knows that the kids put the camera in so he try to make it seem like it was some shady moving company however the father isn't buying it however the father isn't buying it. Is well really the sunshine committee you really couldn't come up with anything better I'm surprised the guidance counselor bought that BS. End-of-course Tess going to catch her snooping.

Of course Max is going to reject Maria's plan the great plan she's trying to do that for Liz famous last words by Max I know what I'm doing. reject Maria's plan it's a great plan she's trying to do that for Liz. If it's not his idea he reject the idea automatically. Valenti just happens to eavesdrop right when he says we will go watch them on the monitor. I love how Michael is standing so close to Maria like a bodyguard. I wish the gang would just have Valenti on their side. Michael knows Max so well that he knows what he wants to do and it's warning him not to do it.

Why doesn't anybody ever use their front door they're always coming through a side door or back door. Diane is so oblivious she has no idea she's a super excited that Isabel has a friend that is a girl. Tess is so good at what she does it's a little scary. Isabelle is totally lying when he says no she totally been having these thoughts of Michael. I would freak out too and I saw the sugarcubes the way that they were. What the heck are these pajamas that Isabel is wearing we know she has better ones than that. I love Michael and his confused look he always has on his face always last person to know anything.

I totally ship Michael and Isabel as aliens together oh, so awesome that Michael and Isabel are having a hot dream together also a little weird but I ship it. Michael was look flustered about the dream however Isabel was pure on Panic about the dream.

I don't think Max really needed to know what Isabella Michael what you mean at the library because of course Max would disapprove of it and get all mad and angry. Michael did throw a good question why is Max so afraid to be an alien however they are enough same thing goes to Michael why why is he so afraid to be human? And Isabella stuck right in the middle. I think Max has it all wrong Michael does not think he's better than everyone else he doesn't need to get them into situations and in trouble. I totally understand Max concern about nacido and what he would tell them. Of course of course Tess would just happened to be outside the room Max and Liz are. Test using Kyle not a good idea I miss Kyle I'm glad that he's back.

For a hot second it looks like when Michael's walking down the steps you see two girls kissing on my steps, unless that's a guy with a really bad haircut. . Isabel making out with Alex, Michael and Isabel are really trying to forget about that dream.👽 Can you say awkward oh, there's something definitely written on the faces that something is going on between Michael and Isabel just the way they're looking at each other when they each say they're dating someone else. I feel so bad for Alex because Isabel is using him right now and it totally unfair to him, cause he really likes Isabel. It's a passionate sexy dream oh, that dream just took a weird turn there's a baby in the mix now yikes! Tess is creepy see the stands at people's windows and watches them

She translates them into something for Split Second and then disappears. She does a disappearing act very well.

Liz is being a good friend to Kyle warning him about Tess. Kyle is such guy that he has no idea Tess is definitely definitely using him.Tess is not stupid she knows that the following her and that's why she's dropping all these little bread crumbs. Kyle is dumb if he doesn't realize that he's being used.

I just wish Max and Michael would just trust each other and tell each other what information they have and how they got it. I love that dream sequence between Michael and Isabel them having a baby totally cute. I love that this is happening between Michael and Isabel and not Max and Tess however I think baby is a foreshadowing for something else in the future.

That's so creepy that Tess is in Max's room like that. It's so like Max to go along with Tess without any backup and out any one where he's going. So Max should not get mad at Michael for doing anything on his own because he does the exact same thing. Max was torn when he was little kid between going with Isabel or helping the girl in the pod. How did Michael and Isabel know where to find Max and Tess? It's not like Max left a note or anything then again Michael did tell Max about the spot so you must have figured Max would have went to check it out.

💜Maria and Michael sleeping in the car together there always an odd situation.

💜Sometimes Maria aggravates me she doesn't know when to shut up. I don't blame Maria for being worried about Michael when he says relationship and Us in the same sentence.its cute Michael and Maria were making out in the hallway and him not caring about it, cuz normally wants to hide when he's making out with her.

Well you guys at the end of the episode I had fun I hope you had fun I catch you on the other side.

Quote of the episode

Up next: Max to the max

[yugirl-with-dragons]

Okay so hear me out....5Ds but. an AU where characters are swapped around like Aki/Yusei, Jack/Crow, and Rua and Ruka just wonder WTH happened?

#Yugirl’s brain.exe stopped working 

(….seriously, I had to stop for a split second because my brain was like “wait what omg how do you even fuck up characters like this”)

So this means .. stoic Aki that loves duels and duel runners and will fite for her friends??

edgy Yusei that goes from #I hate the human race AND myself to #I suddenly love my life and myself AND this girl and I hope she notices ??

Crow with a ridiculous and totally unjustified ego and love for coffee??

Jack #best big brother of the year with a JOB ??

Hyperactive and cheerful Ruka ?? chill and unfortunately-my-instinct-is-always-right Rua??

I mean hOLY FUCKING SHIT

[friendlyneighborhoodwhateve-blog]

Comma after dearest // A Lin-Manuel Miranda Imagine

Here am I, yet again, a brazilian teenager writing about a man almost twice my age. Anyway, I always dedicate my stuff to my friends but this time I’d like to dedicate this to the writers that inspire me to keep on writing, so thank you: @alexanderhamllton , for being a great writer and one of the brazilian people out there that I (sort of?) look up to. @fragmentofmymind , you are so incredible, I still cant believe you follow me and @lookaroundlookaroundhowlucky , my friend you are incredible beyond words.

My other stuff is here!

Requests are always  open!

Word Count: 4030, like wth????? This is the biggest thing I have ever written???? I am not even sorry though.

Warnings: None???? Maybe a curse word or two?? Some (a lot) inacurracies on his persnal life??? And a cheesy-ass plot?? But I like it very much. Also, please take note that this happens before Lin’s Ham days, other than that, have fun. 

-

The italicized parts are flashbacks.

         Shit.

         Shit. Shit. Shit.

         Lin stared at his phone in exasperation, thinking just what he was going to do about the promise he made to his mother. The text stared up at him accusingly from his cellphone screen. I can’t wait to meet your girlfriend.

         You and Lin had met a few years ago through college, you were a STEM major with an affinity for the arts, it had been like that since high school. The day you met was still fresh in your mind.

           It was a rainy early summer day in the campus, your mind still reeling from the knowledge that you were finally a senior. This time next year you would be wearing a dress and holding your diploma, hopefully with an internship underway. As your feet carried you, your ears prickled with the sound of music coming from a semi open door. With a will of its own, your body entered the auditory.

         In the stage, a scrawny looking guy singed as if his life depended on it. Every note, every riff, every time he opened his mouth made you feel something that had been gone for a long time. There were other people equally as talented on the stage with him, they must be the theater group your brain thought. Suddenly they sang one last note and the stage lights were killed, in an instant reflex your hands clapped, the small bit of their presentation had touched you immensely.

          “Who is there?” A voice called from the now lit stage.

          “Ah, it’s just me.” You stepped in to the part of the theater that was now full of light, your cheeks already burning from the embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to intrude, sorry, it’s just you guys are really talented.”

       Lin was taken aback by your statement; appreciating art was nothing to be sorry for. He was also mesmerized by you, the way your hair was in an extremely messy ponytail, your shirt that had once been carefully tucked into the skirt you wore now slightly askew, the way your bag seemed to be almost bursting at the seams due to the plethora of papers you carried, these little details made his heart feel something new.

          “There is nothing to be sorry for. Art is made to be seen and appreciated”

         Something held your feet in place, maybe it was the fact that the guy was now approaching you; his eyes had a shine to them that made you want to be by his side for eternity.

          “Hi, I’m Lin-Manuel Miranda but Lin is just fine, I don’t think I have ever seen you around?” The sentence ended with a questioning tone, prompting you to answer.

          “I am (Y/N), (Y/N) (Y/L/N) from Biochemistry, I don’t come to this part of campus often.”

          “You should, want to get some coffee?”

          “Why not?”

         He remembered how the mutual love for coffee had brought you both together, and he remembered clear as day the promise you made days later, days that had been spent practically glued to each other’s side because neither of you had ever felt such a strong connection to anyone, when you split for the summer.

         Do not hesitate to call me at any time, Miranda. I mean it, it doesn’t matter what happens. His fingers dialed the number he knew by heart before his brain even processed what was happening.

          “Sir Miranda, to what do I owe the pleasure of hearing your voice on this fine evening?” You had been working on the lab for a few hours now, even though you were in charge it was your duty to set a good example, when Lin called.

          “Lady (Y/L/N), I think you might need to sit down for this one”

          “Okay, give me a minute.”  While he nervously ran a hand through his ever growing hair, you wrapped up the cultures you had been working on and went to your office, once you had sat down comfortably, the conversation continued.  “Go on, now.”

          “Imighthavesaidtomymomwearedating.” His words rushed out one after the other, turning into an unintelligible heap.

          “Honey,” the nickname began to be used after you watched Mamma Mia together. “breathe.” You waited until you heard the sound of his exhale before continuing. “Now please try to speak the word separately.”

          “I might have told my mom we are dating.” His voice became smaller as he spoke.

          “Elaborate.” The word sent him into one of his famous rants.

          “So I was texting my mom about thanksgiving and I said you might be tagging along. Wait let me read the texts to you, first I asked “Is it okay if I bring someone” and she responded with “Of course”, now this is where I got very distracted by a dog passing by and forgot to read the next text because I only replied with “(Y/N) and I are looking forward to it.” But I should have read what she said because she asked “Is it finally a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?” and now my entire family probably thinks we are together?”

         His rant was endearing and you didn’t even manage to be mad at him.

          “Well, I love your mom and her food; I am not skipping out on Dona Luz’s famous thanksgiving dinner so… “

          “So I am stuck with you as my girlfriend for a week? Neat.”

         After a bit more of small talk you hanged up. Immediately after you dialed Pippa, Jas, Ari and Renée calling a girl’s night on the following Friday.

          “Why the hell did you suggest it?” Ari seemed to not grasp why you had suggested fake dating Lin for a week.

          “Because that is as close to realty dating him as I probably am going to get.” Pippa nearly spat out her drink, if only you paid attention, you would see how the idea of being in a relationship wasn’t as farfetched to Lin as you seemed to believe.

         Despite being in completely different fields of work, you had been going to Hamilton rehearsals as soon as they began. You were always the first Lin showed his drafts to, so you mingled with his other friends and co-workers a lot, resulting in the beautiful friendship you shared with these women.

         You were close; they knew things even Lin didn’t know. They were the sisters you wish you had growing up instead of the girl who didn’t even acknowledge your existence. Your family relationships weren’t that great, so the Miranda household had taken to “adopt” you during holidays and such.

          “I know you really like him, so we are letting you go with two conditions: the first is you let us pack your bags, God knows you would probably spend the week in pajamas otherwise.” You let out a surprised “what’s wrong with pajamas?” “And the second condition is that you must tell him how you feel.”

          “Why must you do this to me? What if he doesn’t like me the same way? Everything would be so awkward and I…” I can’t lose him.

          “You have known each other for more than five years, I am sure he loves you already.”

         They knew how much Lin meant to you, he was your family, his family was your family, if things didn’t work out you’d be devastated. The girls spent the entire time until the trip soothing your nerves, you had some close calls with anxiety but finally the day of the trip had come. The dress Renée had picked out for you to wear hugged your body nicely, the soft floral print bringing out your skin tone in a nice way.

 From Sir Miranda

To Lady (Y/L/N)

I am here, m’lady.

 To Sir Miranda

From  Lady (Y/L/N)

Come up, your lady awaits.

            “I’m just putting my shoes on then using the bathroom real quick, can you take my bags to the car?”  You yelled into the living room, the sounds of Lin taking your bags distracting you’re a second.

         Breathe. He is your best friend. You have met his family countless times. You went to dinner with his mom and sister without him for Christ’s sake. You will be fine just take it as it goes. Things will work out, have faith. The mental pep talk ends just as you enter the living room.

          “All of your bags are already in the trunk, Kit’s carrier is safely in the backseat and…” His sentence faded out as he took what you were dressing in.

         In all of the years you had known each other, the number of times you wore dresses could be counted in his fingers. One for your grandparents funeral during college, one for graduation, one for the internship interview you had wanted really bad, one for the day you went to pick up the Kit The Cat from adoption, one for his parents wedding anniversary bash a couple of years ago, one for the inauguration of your lab, another one when he asked you to be his Tony date and right now.

         The dress was perfectly appropriated for the weather but the girls had chosen a jacket to go with if necessary.

          “Lady (Y/N), I must say you look incredible this fine morning.” When he didn’t know quite what to say, the man resorted to the joke you had going on for years, ever since you watched a terrible production of Romeo and Juliet at a local high school.

          “Thank you, kind sir.” You spoke confidently despite not feeling the same way. Fake it until you make it.

          “You know I mean it, right?”

          “Of course, Lin.” All jokes aside, you could always count on him to be one hundred per cent truthful. He was the one person you trusted blindly, if it came to it, you’d even trust him with your life.

          “Shall we go then?”

          “Lead the way.”

           His car was the same since college. You begged him to buy a new one every time this old thing ended up needing repairs but he insisted that the car had too many memories in it to be replaced. Somewhere along the road, memories began being  shared to the soft voice of Louis Armstrong playing in the background.

          “Hey, do you remember that time we got drunk during college?”

          “I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific, darling.” You quipped back to the man behind the wheel.

          “That one time you ended up jumping into the lake during winter, dragged me with you and we both ended up sick for like two weeks.”

          “Ah, yes. That time.” You stroked the fur of your cat softly as the memory played like a movie in your head.

           You had just turned twenty, the second semester of your final year at college had begun four days ago and you and Lin found yourselves incredibly drunk already. It wasn’t the intention, it just happened as you both walked to the most significant spot to your friendship, the park that was a little ways from campus.

         “And then my mom began ranting about how they are ruining our country and I was like “Mom, you ruined our economy.” I can’t believe she acts as if I am the dumbest person in the world, I got a full scholarship in Biochemistry AND Genetics for fuck’s sake.” Today you were an angry drunk.

         “Hey, you are wonderful, intelligent and a lot of other adjectives I can’t remember right now. Maybe you just need to chill a bit.”

         “Yeah, I am going to chill.” Your hazy mind locked on to the almost frozen lake that was void of ducks this time of the year.

         “Good.”

         He had barely any time to register what was happening before you began racing the rest of the way to the water, your linked hands dragging him along. The water was so cold, it felt like little knives against your skin, your breath caught in your throat until air was around you again. Later, after a bit of splashing around, when you were walking back, Lin refused to talk to you. He got really cranky when he was cold.

           “You were so angry.” You were laughing at the memory, the look in your roommates face still made you lose it even after all these years.

         “I still am, we were sick for so long.”  The way his hair face was being illuminated by the sun, the laughter lines around his eyes, his tousled hair weren’t helping you with your feelings. He then looked back to you with joy in his eyes and you nearly lost.

         Then you look back at me and suddenly I’m helpless.

         You knew just how Eliza felt in that moment.

         “Oh, look! My mom is already waiting for us.”

         The older woman hugged you tightly, whispering I’m so happy for you in your ear before talking to her son, Luís soon came out of the house to help Lin with the bags. Luz snatched you upstairs before anyone could even say your name.

         “So, you and my brother? It is real?” You couldn’t bring yourself to lie to her.

         “For this week, yes.”

         “I am not even going to say anything. Just be careful, we all love you not just Lin.” Your heart swelled with the love from the Miranda family, they were everything you had wished for growing up.

         You were in the kitchen, chopping some vegetables for dinner, when a pair of arms wrapped around your waist. Suddenly cutting the carrots into even pieces became a lot harder.

         “Hey there, girlfriend.”

         “Hey.”

         Truth be told, he was even more nervous then you. He couldn’t believe his voice wasn’t wavering as hard as his heart right now. Lin watched the way your hair (that was in a half-up style) fell over your shoulder, leaving your neck slightly exposed. How he wished to just plant a kiss in that spot right now. He wished to find out the way you liked to be kissed, he wanted to find out which spots would elicit a moan out of you, he wanted to wake up by your side every morning. His fantasy was broken when you turned into his arms, face so close to his that your lips were a breath away.

         “So I told your sister about us.”

         “You did?” It would be so easy to kiss you right now. A bit of inclination and your lips would be joined.

         “And if your mother mentions the way you finally asked me out, just go along with it. I might have made up a story about it.”

         “Was it on Central Park?” His low voice sent shivers down your spine.

         “Yes, on that bench we sit for coffee.” He hummed in agreement.

         “Did you kiss me out of happiness?”

         “I could.” Your eyes went quickly to his lips, his did the same thing.

         This was happening, you were finally going to kiss the man you loved, your lips had barely brushed when Luz barged into the kitchen.

         “Oh, I’m sorry but mom requests (Y/N)’s presence in the living room.” You sent a quick glance at Lin’s direction, praying to God he didn’t notice the very strong blush in your cheeks.

         “What was that?” Lin felt like a kid getting scolded under his sister’s stare. “If you hurt her I swear that I will end you, hermano.” He had no doubt of the sincerity in his sister’s words. “Make a move or I will make one for you.”

         He watched as you moved among his family members, fitting seamlessly into the crazy bunch that they were. He fantasized leaning against the wall, a glass of wine in his hand: you would wake up by his side, the both of you lazing about in bed (stealing a kiss or two) until you knew for sure you’d be late, arriving at the house you would be to entranced into each other to be of any help

         As you went around the table, setting the knives and forks down in their places, your eyes sneaked a glance at Lin. He was wearing that beige sweater that made your knees weak (especially when he folded the sleeves up), his face lit up in a smile as he conversed with his father. Your mind went somewhere else entirely as your body continued with the actions: you’d open your eyes sleepily in the morning to see his sleeping form by your side, the both of you staying in bed until your stomachs cried for food then you’d get breakfast in a coffee on the road.

         Both of you were brought back to the present when his mom called him to help with something in the kitchen, when your eyes met; it wasn’t that hard to believe a relationship might happen. You decided to freshen up a bit before dinner, maybe a shower would help calm down the mess you were feeling inside.

           Luz was in the kitchen when something her mom said caught her attention.

         “Yes, Camila is coming as well. She was in town and I thought why not?” The siblings met eyes, if the girl was here then the dinner would be anything but pleasant. Somehow, along the time you had known Lin, one of their cousins caught an instant dislike towards you that no one could explain. With a subtle nod from her brother, the woman discreetly went upstairs to warn you.

         No one could do a thing about the unexplained hatred the girl felt because in public she was a completely sweet girl, making veiled threats and taking jabs at you.

         “I am not coming down, Luz. I love your mom but I am not dealing with her on top of everything else.” Your anxiety went through the roof, breath coming out in short puffs. As your hands started to tingle, you counted on your friend to pull you out of the attack before it became too much.

         “Hey, hey.” At once, it wasn’t her in front of you anymore; it was Lin’s gentle face. He had a small smile on his lips as he tried to calm you down. “Tell me five things you can see.”

         “I can see Luz, I can see my suitcase, I can see Kit, I can see my blue flats and I can see the bathroom mirror.” He had some experience with helping you with anxiety crises, they usually happened after a phone call with either your mom or your sister.

         “Now, four things you can touch.” The technique to calm down, despite being slightly overused, worked wonders every time.

         “I can touch the bed’s covers, Kit’s fur, my cardigan and your hands.” His hands were in your lap, holding yours reassuringly.

         “Three things you can hear.”

         “Your voice.” I love it so much. “The tap leaking in the bathroom and your mom yelling downstairs.” You both laughed a little at the loud rambling in Spanish, the sauce had probably been left unattended to and burned.

         “Almost there, two things you can smell.”

         “The scent of my shampoo.” You used the same shampoo since college, the slightly lavender scent never failed to entice Lin. “and you cologne.” His cologne had the same effect on you that your shampoo had on him, both of you usually ended up with jelly legs after a hug.

         “One thing you can taste.”

         “Toothpaste.”

         “Now, take a deep breath. She is not going to get anywhere near you tonight, I promise.”

         Somehow, you both ended up sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, with Kit in his lap. Luz had disappeared downstairs to distract everyone but right now she had just entered the room again.

         “Dinner’s ready and unfortunately Camila is here as well.”

         At the table, you sat between the Miranda siblings, Lin’s hand holding yours under the table. You thought you’d be nervous but his hand brought a sense of calmness over your soul, as cliché as it was, your hands really did fit into each other like puzzle pieces.

         “How is your mom doing?” Camila asked over her wine glass, fully knowing how the topic made you very uncomfortable.

         “Probably fine, probably dead, either way, I don’t care.” Luz choked on her drink while Lin squeezed your hand. Everyone knew better than to talk about your family.

         A while passed before she tried to get a rise out of you again, during that time you talked quietly to Lin about literally anything, that is, you talked when your mouth wasn’t filled with the delicious food Dona Luz had made, how could you had  thought of staying up in your room?

         “And your sister got married last month, no?” She just wouldn’t quit. Your sister’s wedding was even more sensitive than your mom, the wound still raw. When you were both young, you’d stay up late countless night planning your weddings, which dresses, what food but most of all, how’d you walk each other down the aisle since your father was out of the picture. That was something you didn’t have to take.

         “Excuse me.” You folded the napkin from your lad and placed it on the table while standing up. “The food was very lovely but I have to go somewhere now.” Lies. You had nowhere to go but anywhere was better than being forced to remember so many broken promises. Lin grew angry at his cousin as he watched you leave; Luz was already lecturing the girl while he went after you.

         In your haste, getting a coat was the last thing in your mind but it definitely should have been the first. Your bitterness at the situation increased as rain began falling lightly from the sky.

         “(Y/N), wait.” Lin was chasing after you, catching up easily due to his much longer legs.

         “Why? So I have to go back there? With them? I no it’s not only her, Lin. Except for you and maybe Luz, no one wants me there.” It was your sadness talking but deep down you had always felt that way. Unloved. Unwanted.

         “That is not true and you know it. My mom loves you as much as, if not more, than me.”

         “She pity’s me and so do you, the poor girl whose father died. Poor little thing, the mom blames her and pushes her away; the sister doesn’t even acknowledge her existence. I already have these feeling with my family, I don’t need more of it.”

         You were beginning to freeze, your thin sleeved dress and ballerina flats didn’t do much to fend off the weather. Lin, on the other hand, thought you had never looked more beautiful, the moon shining on your wet hair, the rain cling to your eyelashes. He stood a foot or so away from you, not believing you still felt this way, he knew words would do nothing to reassure you so he gently placed his hands on either side of you face, staring deeply in your eyes.

         “I don’t pity you, I love you.” He heard your sharp intake of breath, nevertheless he continued to talk, those were things he’d wanted to say for a while now. “I have loved you ever since the day you stepped in that theater, wearing those pajama pants. I know they were pajamas, shut up; I’m trying to be romantic here. The point is that I love and if I have to spend the rest of my life trying to convince you of it, I will.”

         You had no idea of what to do; you had just heard the man you loved telling the tree words you had wanted to hear for so long. Thankfully your body acted on instinc, standing up on the tips of your toes to press your lips lightly against his.

         “So, that means you love me too?” His goofy grin was even more endearing now that it was yours.

         “Yes, you dummy. I love you too.”

         This time it was him who pulled you into the kiss, a kiss much more passionate that the last one, one that reassured you, one that made you feel loved.

         “Please feel free to kiss me like that whenever you want.”