#i mean she re-came out to her mom as bi and her mom is chill with it now

[olliegolliegee]

this is my friend

but she's a girl

she's been trying to conversion therapy herself

send virtual help for her internalized homophobia

men will say “something horrible is happening inside of me and i don’t know why” and the something in question is just being gay

[mahalzevran]

DA 20+ Questions

Tagged by @antivan-surana​ thanks! Tagging @situationnormal​ @the-dread-doggo​ @acepavus​ @aroundofgwent​ @lakambaeni​ @kxnways​ @fuckbioware​ (no pressure ofc) and anyone who wants to?

The rest is under a read more because it’s long

01) Favourite game of the series?

Origins, only because you got less and less op as a mage as the games went on. I love all the games tbh.

02) How did you discover Dragon Age?

My friend got my sister into it. They kept talking and talking about it so finally I was like “ok lets see what the big deal is” and here I am now

03) How many times you’ve played the games?

I’ve done Origins twice fully, DA2 four times fully (omg I didn’t realize this until now lol) and DA:I just once fully. I have one unfinished playthrough of Origins with a Cousland, and I’m in the middle of maybe two of DA:I. I think I’ve gone back and replayed certain parts of both Origins and DA:I plenty of times.

04) Favourite race to play as?

Elf I guess? Though I’ve only fully played as a human and elf. I’m in the middle of a dwarf playthrough and I’m thinking of doing a qunari one in the future. It might change idk.

I just really liked playing as an elf in Origins so that’s why I got into elves. But the funny thing is, I wasn’t even thinking of playing as an elf when I played for the first time. I wanted to play as a human. I just did it on a whim.

05) Favourite class?

Mage, hands down. Realistically, they’re the most versatile class. They can do range and melee since anyone can learn how to fight with weapons. But the last two games won’t let you so :)

Also, this stems from the fact that I’ve been a harry potter fan since I could remember.

06) Do you play through the games differently or do you make the same decisions each time?

In my full, proper playthroughs that I’ve finished, it’s slightly different but still the same basic ideas. Sided with mages, agreed with Anders, etc.

But I am planning to try an evil playthrough in the future so

07) Go-to adventuring group?

DA:O (I have two)

Leliana, Wynne, Shale - the OG crew; they were my main crew in my first playthrough and it was a pretty even party

Zevran, Leliana, Alistair - the elf crew; esp. with Rhian they’re all elves because I saw a theory that Leliana is half elf and I’m down

DA2

It’s a mixed bag. If I’m not playing as a mage, I usually take Anders a lot because we need a healer and Merrill can’t heal. I tend not to take Sebastian as much after I max his friendship. After Sebastian, I take Aveline the least. Other than that I just mix it up. Unless I’m romancing someone, then I take them every time.

I’d love to take Anders, Fenris, and Merrill out more often but I hate how mean they all are to each other (looking @ u bioware 👀)

DA:I

My first playthrough, I mixed it up a lot in the beginning but then I ended up bringing Solas, Cole, and Blackwall a lot near the end for some reason?

I love taking Vivienne, Dorian, and Solas out, especially if I’m playing a mage, because it’s such a pretty fireworks show

In general though, if I’m romancing someone I take them with me almost always.

08) Which of your characters did you put the most thought into?

I think it’s a tie between Rhian and Lu.

09) Favourite romance?

To no one’s surprise, it’s Zevran :3

Solas is second because I just really like that angst.

10) Have you read any of the comics/books?

I’ve read The Silent Grove, Those Who Speak, and Until We Speak (because someone gifted me the Omnibus) and The Calling.

I also have Hard in Hightown, which I should probably read lol, and the art book of inquisition.

11) If you read them, which was your favourite book?

The Calling solely because of my mom Fiona and my dad Duncan. 

12) Favourite DLCs?

Awakening because I love everyone and its also really funny that Rhian, who is 19 at that point, had to basically babysit people older than her and also run a whole arling.

I love both Legacy and Mark of the Assassin. Mark of the Assassin was really funny (though I hated the stealth part). I love Legacy specifically because when I was fighting Corypheus, both Varric and Anders K.O.’d and it was just me and Carver. It was a special family moment bringing down a whole entire magister together. I also hc that that was canon and it brought Kaia and Carver closer together.

13) Things that annoy you.

I’m gonna talk about the game bc if this is about the fandom, then that’s a whole other thing.

Anders’ writing for one. It doesn’t make sense that he’d approve of giving Fenris back to Danarius. And also that he wouldn’t tell f!Hawke that he’s bi? Then there’s the fact that Anders, Fenris, and Merrill all don’t get along when they have a lot in common.

Anything that was written by Lukas Krisdkjsdhkdk. Aveline, Sera, etc. he did a really bad job.

Also didn’t like that mages got less OP in the last two games.

There’s also the tone-deafness? Dorian, a brown man, saying slavery is ok. And also there’s the dialogue between Solas and Vivienne where Solas supposedly “owns” Vivienne. I think he says something like “may you learn”? Solas, a white person, saying this to Vivienne, a black woman, when there’s obvious colorism in Thedas? I think not.

There’s probably other but I can’t think of them right now.

14) Orlais or Ferelden?

Orlais is too snooty and Ferelden doesn’t season their food. I pick Seheron and Laysh because that’s where the Asians are at.

15) Templars or mages?

Mages

16) If you have multiple characters, are they in different/parallel universes or in the same one?

Originally, my canonverse was Rhian, Kaia, and Luwalhati. Alden and Bolin were part of an AU. Then Alden finagled his way in there, then I decided to have Bolin in there too. So now i have twin Hawkes and Bolin is part of the Inquisition (if he’s a companion or not, I haven’t thought about)

I have plenty of other OCs that I’m planning on, but they’re currently sorted into a different universe.

17) What did you name your pets? (mabari, summoned animals, mounts, etc)

Pikamon for the Origins mabari. It’s a mix between the names of my two dogs, Pikachu and Cinnamon

Cinnachu for the DA2 mabari, also a mix of Pikachu and Cinnamon.

Lu’s mount is the royal sixteen (hart), which is given to you by Clan Lavellan if you manage to keep them alive iirc, and its name is Luntian, the tagalog word for green which is her favorite color. (In a teen!Lu AU, her mount is the bog unicorn bc she’s an edgelord)

18) Have you installed any mods?

It would be more surprising if I didn’t. How else would I manage to have my characters look like the’re poc?? And also get rid of whitewashing and have some continuity. I usually just do cosmetic mods if it’s my first playthrough. Then I do like “cheats” after I finish the game fully.

Fun fact, I once spent like 2+ hrs modding Origins to have the Zev romance the way I want. I also stayed up until like 5am trying to make Solas look like his concept art lol (it didn’t really work)

19) Did your Warden want to become a Grey Warden?

Rhian didn’t not want to become a warden. She read about them and thought they were an honorable order, but she didn’t expect to ever have a chance to become one. Her goal was to just go up in the Circle hierarchy, maybe even become First Enchanter. Then when the time came, she didn’t really have much of a choice.

20) Hawke’s personality?

Kaia is blue and Alden is purple

21) Did you make matching armor for your companions in Inquisition?

At first, I didn’t get what the big deal was with crafting. It didn’t seem fun at all lol. Then I tried it and was hooked. I don’t have them matching, but I do tend to try to match my Inquisitor with their LI in some way.

My usual procedure for armor in Inquisition is like this. I make everyone wear heavy armor and pick the materials that have the highest attributes, not caring how ridiculous the colors are. Then I go to tint them using a guide for each companion’s color scheme. This is the same for helmet but I usually have them turned off or have no one wearing one.

The only exception is Varric, Cole, and Blackwall. I have Varric wear the rogue armor that looks like his DA2 outfit, and Cole and Blackwall wear the Grey Warden heavy armor. I tint the grey warden armor using a guide for its color scheme.

I have Bull, Vivienne, and Cole wear their unique helmets.

22) If your character(s) could go back in time to change one thing, what would they change?

Rhian - She’d probably want to re-do how she told Zevran that she wasn’t exactly dead.

Kaia - Taken Quentin’s threat more seriously and killed him before he got to Leandra

Alden - He has no regrets

Luwalhati - wouldn’t have taken Sam and Wis with her so they wouldn’t have had to have died in the conclave explosion

Bolin - None, all of his decisions led him to Dorian and he’s happy with that.

23) Do you have any headcanons about your character(s) that go against canon?

They’re all at least part Seheron?

I also hc that neither Carver nor Bethany die because Kaia was able to cast a barrier on both of them before the ogre got them. Then they both became Grey Wardens because Carver contracted the taint in the expedition and wouldn’t join the Wardens unless Bethany came with him too.

Another hc I have is that Sebastian didn’t leave when Anders was spared and stayed to help out. But he went his separate way after because he still didn’t approve of sparing him.

Oh shoot, I almost forgot. The most against canon thing I’ve done probably? Rhian didn’t do the Ritual but she did slay the archdemon without dying. Rhian’s an arcane warrior, so when she slayed it, she was partway in the fade. Being partway into the fade was enough for her essence, I guess, to survive it. But she’s not mortal anymore and kind of a spirit now? So she periodically has to chill in the fade because being in the real world takes a toll on her.

25) Who did you leave in the Fade?

In the game, it was Stroud. I killed Loghain and no way is Alistair gonna be trapped in there. Fiona will be sad. So I made Alistair king in the game only, so Stroud was the one that was left.

This is another off canon thing I did. In my actual canon, Alistair is the warden contact. The Hawke that comes to the Inquisition is both Kaia and Alden. Alden brings Fenris with him because he doesn’t go anywhere without his Boo-Boo. Bethany and Carver also come because Weisshaupt was being weird and it seemed like they would be safer in the Inquisition. Lu + her party, Alistair, Kaia, Alden, Fenris, Bethany, and Carver all come to Adamant. Because there’s so many people, everyone was able to escape the Fade. No one is left behind.

26) Favourite mount? The nugs! All of them :) 

Though I don’t really use the mounts lol

[freckliedan]

gravel to temple, what i need, and wanna be missed :)

gravel to tempo: have you come out to anyone? if yes, who was the first person you told? if no, do you want to? who would you tell first? yes i have! i’ve been out as varying-labels of not straight since 2013 to pretty much everyone, and i think teh first person i told was my best friend at the time? but i had really really supportive parents even before i came out so i knew they’d be chill and was able to just offhandedly mention in conversation that i was bi, and they were like “cool” & that was pretty much it as far as when i first came out?

i’m not out in most spaces as nb, just to friends and on this blog, but i think that my dad has kind of picked up on the fact that i’m like “MMMM gender? stinky” because he knows i have nonbinary friends and that i use the name den a lot and he’s been super affirming abt me being more androgynous lately. the first person i actually said anything about gender to was my best friend keerthi, bc they were talking about it and i was like.. me too shh and after that the first ppl i came out to were my gf & best friend & i kind of just quietly changed my pronouns on social media (except for facebook bc that’s so dead to me that i’m still bi on it & i haven’t id’d as bi for years).

also im like aggressively out as a queer lesbian in all of my classes and i WILL raise my hand to bring up relevant lgbt topics. multiple times. in one day

what i need: who are your favourite gay artists? what are your favourite gay songs?i fucking, love gay music and art, the indigo girls are my mothers who raised me so i feel like i’ve got to list them and as far as i’m aware there’s no lgbt ppl in the band the mountain goats but a lot of their music is something i relate intensely to as a queer person? 

but like re: music i listen to a Lot by queer artists? i fucking love janelle monae, i love mika, i love adult mom bc the singer is nb and it’s like. god its some moods and it’s like a genre of music i really love?, my best friend miles has a queer is holy playlist, i love harry styles w my entire heart, i don’t know very much of laura jane grace (of the band against me)’s music but sometimes i just need to scream-sing about pissing on the walls of shitty people’s houses, this is me & my gf & best friend’s playlist from pride this year, i love ben j pierce and hayley kiyoko and king princess,  this is a playlist by piper @asterlark that i believe is entirely lgbt artists?, piper’s pride playlist, my spotify playlist that’s just called GIRLS  i heard of them, and also my best friend keerthi makes music too and id die for them soo (sorry if this bit got long and off topic)

if i had to pick one (1) favorite gay song it would be hymn by kesha bc Fuck dude thats the mood

wanna be missed: how dependent or independent are you in a relationship? do you like a lot of space, or a lot of intimacy? how do you feel about electronic (vs face to face) communication?here’s the thing..the thing is i’ve been dating my gf for over 4 years now and had feelings for her for nearly a year before that and we were best friends before that and i mean we were nemeses  before that but we’ve known eachother since we were both 7?

so like idk it’s like.. we’re like dan and phil. the two of us have been together since we were 18 and so like! we can be on our own we’re our own people and we have parts of our lives that are separate from eachother but we always choose eachother? they’re my partner we’re a team and i’d always rather do something with her than without them and like. yeah. we still don’t live together bc of money so a lot of the time we’re in communication thru phonecalls and texting and snapchat and Everything bc even though we see eachother nearly daily we still miss eachother? so i guess i like a lot of intimacy but this is the only way i’ve ever known, you know? she’s the first person i ever dated and i’m the first person they ever dated & its just like! yeah. idk.  not to be that bitch but the reason i love dnp is bc their relationship feels exactly, exactly the same as me & my gf’s relationship & like! yeah! idk! i run out of words cos i’m so filled w love. idk.

it’s a unique n special kind of love when you get the chance to become an adult, like, grow into a person, alongside your best friend, the person who made you believe in love, maybe even the person who made you believe in soulmates even though you don’t really necessarily believe in souls.. like, i’m talking about me there but im definitely also talking about dan & thats why i love dan and phil so much n thats why i can’t really answer this question good! idk how to describe it to someone who hasn’t experienced it? bc it’s the only thing i know i don’t know how to relate my experiences to other experiences bc of that. idk!!!!!!! i love love. i’m going to stop talking now fsdjklfjsdkl

[keiynantrieshisbest-blog]

My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone��s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

[quadratic-shipping]

Kay, new icon is Vriska’s dice cause the gradient was lame, and every Vriska blog halfway to sunday has already had every photo of her face as their icon twice. It also works cause of yknow liking dnd and stuff. one thing I really liked about my last vriska pic one was the negative space made it feel like it popped and I feel like this one has sort of the same thing going for it. Wow, it can be that deep. I’m just rambling cause it’s 3am and yet again I have stayed up this long. I can;t wait til it’s winter again so I can force myself back into a normal sleep schedule. I stayed up all night a couple nights ago, and that gave me one decent night of sleep so I might just try that again tonight. Rest put under the readmore because it’s irrelevant and sleep deprived rambling I wouldn’t dare subject my beautiful followers and browsers to.

While I’m here, posting a late night thing no one will see or interact with; thank god; I was cleaning and I came across one of those neck warmer things that legit just a tube you pull up your face to keep your nose from freezing off because Canada Winters, I never can use them because I always fog up my glasses, and I just wanted to say that Niqabi gals with glasses are so brave? Legit if I had to deal with my glasses fogging up I’d die, I’d rather lose my nose to frostbite than fog them up (like I go outside enough loll) so for them to deal with that everyday is like, legendary. I mean, I guess if you were pretty antisocial you wouldn’t have to deal with it much but still, point totally stands. 

While we’re on the positivity train? Lesbians? y’all really like Vriska HUH? Thank you for interacting, I appreciate, yall are so valid. I’m torn between “You have good taste” jokes and “Yall will just like anything w/ vriska in it” and either way it takes too strong a stance on my own content to feel good about it. Obvs goes the same way for all the NB and Trans ppl interacting, yall are also Excellent and I appreciate yall. Obvs I’m cis so I don’t have any real godtier takes or anything abt. gender, but reading your guyss stuff is excellent please keep making it.

Uh sexuality update; Still labelling as bi, IDK if I really want to date men tho, before I actually and FINALLY get a taste of the other side; please; because I feel like the problem with my relationships re; dudes is just that I can’t just be myself, I’m just 900000% in my own head about it and not even like; trying to be idealized, idk whats going on I just have a hard time connecting w/ them and it’s defo my fault so idk bro. IDK it’s fun to have crushes but dating is BORING from my very limited experience with only guys which is why a gf would be excellent. Or girl aligned partner. I feel like maybe what I’m attracted to is like, femininity, not necessarily femmes or women. IDK bruh it’s weird. doesn’t help I can’t even figure out how to get and keep friends LOLLL it’s 3am. Sorry

Honestly before I started vrisrose posting I felt so useless yknow cause in the vriska circles there are a lot of intelligent people who understand canon better and are overall smarter and better spoken so I just felt like everything I had to say was just old hat and not very interesting. But the thing I like about VrisRose is no one else is talking about it as frequently ( I was searching the tag and my blog came up in the recco’s for blogs up top and I was very happy) so I feel like, hey, this is my niche. That one engineer of useless inventions quote: The best way to become top of your field is to specialize:, I jsut love rarepairs so much! I think it’s such a great way to approach character analysis because no one exists in a vaccum so seeing peoples interactions and what people like is so fun!!!! I say, invalidating all my personal issues lollll

CHARACTER ANALYSIS! FUCK TALKING ABOUT INTERACTIONS OR ACTIONS ON THEIR OWN OR THOUGHTS OR HC’S, I STAND BY MY ONE TAAKO ‘vriska did nothing wrong’ QUOTE; Trying to understand what characters morals, and their opinions on certain things by analyzing their opinions and interactions in canon is 500x more productive seeming to me than other things. Like, say taako’s thoughts about vriska, V and Lucretia are p similar actions wise, and he was pissed at her but that was mostly cause of the personal connections, when it doesn’t affect him Taako doesn’t seem to have any moral objections to any of the icky moral stuff; think robot planet or whatevs where they were gonna genocide the place and lup was like no and that was like the only reason he didn’t I’m pretty sure, I’m not too big brained on taako or adventurezone either so don’t take my word; So I think that Taak’s would be chill with Vriska. Another thing? The Lucretia thing was like, giving up which Taako is not ok with and Vriska thigns were about not giving up so I do legit think he would be totally coool with her, even if she were real, unless obvs she hurt one of the seven bird red robe people and their new friends.

ISN;T THAT SUCH A FUN METHOD OF CHARACTER ANALYSIS? I’m not drunk or in an altered state just tired enthusiastic and with a lot of pent up thoughts. Speaking of which, this song just came on it’s “Slowdance with you” by the Marcus Hedges Trend Orchestra and it is SOOOOO good, it’s on a vrisrezi playlist I put on bc I’m rereading song of the pyre because it was vriska day and it’s super good soo so good. It’s on loop now, legit best

Quick detours before I lay out some more hs thoughts; 

Overwatch:

-Ben “Captainplanet” came out w/ a new article and I LOVE IT so much and I want hhis job so bad I wanna get into stats so much ahhh  please so good it’s giving me a , this is crude but it’s the best way I can phrase it, a math erection. I love math so much <33333333

-The Shock, my faves, are doing well and I’m happy for them! I hope they go 7-0, I believe in them! I’m lying I am so fucking nervous for literally every match they have they’re gonna 2-5 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Why am I so INVESTED? They technically could take first spot but that’s require titan’s to lose every match left and the shock to 7-0, but the thing is I thought that I wanted that but 

-then I watched the titans london match today, and I HATED the thought of titans losing. And losing so hard to other teams too, and I didn’t realize this but I think I do actually kinda like the titans?The thought of them not being a great team makes me sad. I think it’s like I really like them and shock as rivals, yknow, stage one and two, then this upcoming map? If Titans aren’t still Good in this meta it just sorta makes their rivalry not fun. Kismesis vibes is what I’m gonna say cause I’m TRASSSHHHHH pls stop my terrible hands from typing also if I ever saw actual ship stuff I would kill whoever made it. Like I’m not gonna check their socials or anything but if they’ve got a match against most teams I’d probs root for them. The Wolf section today was so funny lollll

-I think I might hate the London Spitfire. I have literally no reason to? I think all the players are good and I like them as people and I would never actively hate on them? But I’m like. Really mean to them in my head. I was so satisfied seeing htem lose to Florida, and Titans like IDK? Also they’re hella overrated so anticlutch jfc. Hate the franchise, love the players if that makes sense. IDK WHYYYYYYYYYYY

-Also I’m gonna miss tomorrows shock match and I’m so scared rip.

Misc: 

-Tripped backwards and somehow upturned my moms glass scale and it fell on my foot, that shit hurted.

-Oh My God I’m Projecting a million different things right now because I feel like this will not have an audience if you see this I’m begging you please don’t interact I’d die of embarassment keep the fact you’ve seen this a secret from me

HS:

-JFC song of the pyre is an excellent fic, I wish it would ever get updated it’s so fucking good guys

-I need to read more vrisrezi long form

-Non-sgrub vrisrezi is best vrisrezi

-My ideal Vrisrezi au would be like HS canon, diverge into non-sgrub and they completely fall out of touch, Killing Eve season 1, then Song of the Pyre. THAT is what I want.

-Killing eve season one and two would be an even BETTER VRISROSE AU AHHHHHH

-I once read a very good trollstuck rose but it was an eri-rose ship so basically what I want is that persons troll rose but paired with vriska. For how much I blog about it I’ve read very little vrisrose fic but almost everything I know comes from this fic. . Oh uh this is not the erirose fic that I read w trollstuck although it does unfortunately have erirose but I can excuse it when the vrisrose is this Excellent

Alright I’ve run out of hyper juice, have a nice night, sorry for posting thisssss

bye

[kari-renee96]

lets get personal.    

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

I Like It by Cardi

Bailar by Deorro

While My Guitar Gently Weeps (both the Beatles and Across the Universe versions)

Babe I’m Gonna Leave You by Led Zepplin

Last Nite by the Strokes

Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

The Dalai lama, as an aspiring Buddhist, but even if I weren’t interested in Buddhism I would still want to meet him

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“...Why are you suddenly saying stuff that doesn’t make any sense? Are you drunk?”

It’s Fruits Basket, which is my favorite manga, so I just chose the best line from page 17

4: What do you think about most?

What I’m gonna be when I grow up and how my life will be (a nice house with my now boyfriend, hopefully then husband. maybe I’ll be with another person, or by myself, but I’ll be happy. eventually I’ll have a family, I want three kids. I want always two dogs and one or two cats. I want an office with walls covered in books, and a room that has a window seat)

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

A-do-ba-da

it’s a lunch order from my boyfriend

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

on, usually, because I have roommates; unless I’m at my boyfriend’s and i’m trying to be sexy

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I’m good at impressions... sometimes i worry that this makes me racist and I won’t do them unless i know someone who knows me well enough to know that I’m not

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls go to college to get more knowledge

boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

A song, by a very sweet and very talented ex. he is a guitarist and so it was instrumental. he had said he was messing around, composing, and a tune reminded him of me. he recorded himself playing it on youtube, and i really loved it

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

yesterday while driving in traffic

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

not strange, i don’t think. i don’t like bugs too much, but what is strange is that sometimes i’ll be totally cool with them, pick them up in a cup with a paper cover, and take them to safety, and sometimes i’ll scream and demand someone kill them

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

nope, do fingers count as foreign? if not, no

13: What’s your religion?

i was baptized Catholic, but that was the extent of that, my parents never went to church, it was more of a Latinx culture thing. currently, i’m an aspiring Buddhist. i feel like it isn’t official, because the Catholic in me wants to be baptized or initiated or something. but i’ve read tons of books, i meditate quite often, and i have always agreed with the philosophy of Buddhism... so idk if that counts?

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

hiding in shade somewhere, i don’t like the sun too much usually, and reading

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind, for sure

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

maybe i’m basic af, but i don’t wanna lie. the Beatles, all the way. i have even taken the freshman seminar and the four unit Beatles Class at my school

17: What was the last lie you told?

i’m not hungry

18: Do you believe in karma?

yes, definitely

19: What does your URL mean?

it’s just my nick name, Kari, short for Karina, and my middle name, with the year i was born. pretty basic. i didn’t know when i first made a tumblr how creative one could be when making their URL

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

weakness: keeping things bottled up, even if i talk about something i make it seem like it’s not a big deal, so it is still bottled up

strength: i’m very selfless, which can be a personal weakness at times because i can let people walk all over me, but it makes me happy so i guess that doesn’t matter

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

i have tons... i guess top five are Johnny Depp, Kiera Knightley, Jim Sturgess, Ryan Gosling, and Evan Rachel Wood... i have plenty others

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

yes, but i was very little, maybe 8. it was at a friend’s house in Phoenix, with her and her best friend. it was at night, so no one could see, but during the summer time, so it was still pretty warm at night

23: How do you vent your anger?

journaling helps me, sometimes a phonecall to a friend, my boyfriend, or my mom, and if that doesn’t work then jogging and meditating

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

when i was little i collected stuffed animals and littlest pets shops, to this day it’s hard to let some go

i’ve always collected books. so far i have about 3 bookshelves full of books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

i like video chatting, i prefer to see someones face

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

yes, for the most part. it took a lot of work haha

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate: chalkboard screeching. even the idea of it gives me goosebumps, and i’ll even associate it with things that probably don’t make that sound, like matte nail polish

love: anything relating to water, like rain falling or rivers rushing or ocean waves

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if i had gone to school at home in Los Angeles and stayed living at home

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes, definitely, and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right: curtain of the window

left: my coffee

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

i’m at my boyfriends, who rents a small room in a house. it smells like our cat, Thomas

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

the racist parts of the South

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

the west coast, but i’m biased because i live here. however, i like east coast weather (i’m tired of the California sun)

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Julian Casablancas

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to leave a positive impression. leave the world better than it was when you first came in

36: Define Art.

anything that makes you feel something you wouldn’t have felt if you hadn’t seen it, heard it, felt it, etc

37: Do you believe in luck?

kinda

38: What’s the weather like right now?

too damn hot

39: What time is it?

4:19 (almost time to blaze it... i’m joking... mostly)

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes, and yeah... it was my fault for not seeing a car coming in a parking lot, but it was her fault for not seeing me at all and just ramming into me

41: What was the last book you read?

Fruits Basket book 4, now i’m on 5

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

nope

43: Do you have any nicknames?

kari, karinski, mi amor, babe, baby

44: What was the last film you saw?

How to be a Latin Lover, it was on hulu

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

not too many physical ones, i’ve been lucky. i had a mental breakdown once, because i started to have insomnia, and i didn’t sleep for about 6 days

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

no, i’m too scared to hurt their wings and cause them to be unable to fly! but there is this place in Houston where you can go and put sugar water on you and they’ll land naturally, and i’ve done that

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Fruits Basket. i re-read it like once a year

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bi, or maybe pan. i don’t really like labels, not to be cliche or anything. i just have always been attracted to various people, and i feel that whoever i’m meant to be with, i’ll be with, regardless of their identity

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

i didn’t start one, which is what i think this question is implying

50: Do you believe in magic?

yes

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

not usually, unless it has been piling on for some time and i let it fester

52: What is your astrological sign?

aquarius!

53: Do you save money or spend it?

ugh spend, but i wanna learn how to save

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

a gift bag for the birthday presents for my boyfriend, some sunglasses for me, and some sour gummy worms for my stepson

55: Love or lust?

lust that turns into love

56: In a relationship?

yes, i mention him a lot cuz i like him i guess

57: How many relationships have you had?

quite a few, but none of them lasted more that a month and a half, so i really only count this one. before, i never wanted anyone getting close and being able to hurt me or cloud my judgment

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

at my boyfriend’s place, working from home and cuddling him when he would wake up (he’s currently working nights and so he sleeps in the day)

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

nope

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

nope, i like to be barefoot

62: What’s your favourite animal?

ugh too many! i love animals! i wanted to be a vet but i knew that if an animal died on my table i would probably fall into a depression... to name a few, or some i think are likely my spirit animal: wolves, deer, elephants, owls, dogs, cat, leopards, tigers, dolphins, orcas, sea lions, penguins... aaaahh too many!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

compliment something, often eyes (i’m big on eyes), hair, makeup, shirt, etc

64: Where is your best friend?

in school. i’m sad, she starts more than a month before me

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr

perks-of-being-chinese

humorrelated

civilwhore

kickassfunny

purplebuddhaproject

66: What is your heritage?

latina. my dad was born in Chile, and my mom is Tex/Mex (she’s like 3rd generation)

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

i was on tumblr haha. my boyfriend goes in at 12 so he left here at 11:45, so i was just chilling before i fell asleep

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

billy bob

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

just a few days ago

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

hell yeah! i’m hella nice but i can also be very honest when i feel like one is prepared for it. i try my best to never judge. plus i like to give random presents when i think you’ll like something. i also like to bake and give cookies randomly. i always send memes i think are funny or relatable. i’m very good at reading people, too, so i know when to give you space and when to give you a hug

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

save the dog! if my boss doesn’t understand that i don’t want him as my boss (i’m saying him, because giving ultimatums like that sounds like something a man would do)

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) nope, i wouldn’t tell anyone, except maybe my partner

b) i travel the world, choosing to take my partner to certain places, and my friends to others, and my mom to others, and some of my favorite family members to others

c) no, i try not to fear death. i believe in souls, so *ominous voice* i’ll be back

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

La Vida es un Carnaval

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

0777

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

honesty is the most important thing, even though it can be really hard

77: How can I win your heart?

tell me your dreams and i’ll tell you mine. be sweet, that’s how my boyfriend won me over. i fell for him when we were only messaging (we met on Tindr) and i fell for him because he was sweet and told me that i deserved better than what i had had before

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yup, it has with me

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

going to UCSD instead of UCLA or CSUN. i needed space to grow, away from home

80: What size shoes do you wear?

7.5 in women’s

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

i’ll be back

82: What is your favourite word?

quiver

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

the corazon card in loteria

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

no worries

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

I Like It by Cardi

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

blue, green and everything in between

87: What is your current desktop picture?

it’s a slideshow of nature images and some inspirational quotes

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Trump

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

are you happy?

as a person with depressive episodes and anxiety, this can be very hard to be honest about sometimes. but currently, i’m happy! (yay)

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

take a video, maybe this will go viral and no one will believe. then i grab my pets and slowly walk out, drive to my boyfriends and leave pets there. smoke a blunt because i probably need to relax. then call the popo and send them to my place, and tell them to bring the Men in Black or whoever handle that kinda thing

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

i read minds, and speak to spirits

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

first meeting my boyfriend after talking for two weeks on several different social media platforms... like i said, i like him i guess

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

almost getting raped by my neighbor’s grandfather

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Julian Casablancas

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

rome

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

no, but my uncle who passed away last year was often in jail

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

no, but i’ve gotten car sick from Jack in the Box and had to lie down while driving through mountains

98: Ever been on a plane?

a few times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

be kind to yourself first, because you owe it to yourself

[realcaptainjim]

Random blah

How do you just open up randomly to the masses or groups without coming off stupid or trite or anything other than "fuck I just wanna say something"?

It's difficult.

But, with all media and all friends and everyone in my life I am perceived as just one section. Granted, I did that shit to myself. Hahaha I mean... I've kept myself guarded for years and so few people really know me. In fact those that know me only know parts.

I guess I just want to breathe and admit all of who I am for the hope that people can just see it once.

What is the most prominent part of me? Without saying I am this BUT... I'm also that?

Well let's start either way with the most rewarding part of me and trickle down.

I'm a parent of two. Well, I am a father of two. Which I guess is shocking given a lot of my re-blogs. But, I am.

I am a father of two beautiful miniature people who honestly don't know that I have a kink side. Honestly though, how many of us parents would want our kids to know that? Not really out of embarrassment, but quite frankly out of the fact that children can't fathom and shouldn't fathom that part of us.

So, I am a Dad... A male to female transitioning dad. They decided that I will keep that title and I will always say it with gross pride! Even though I giggle when introduced as "This is my dad, HER name is Jem."

Some people gasp or grow confused, others simply smile and continue normally. For me, it's just awesome how supportive my kids are of this path that I hid for so long.

And... That leads to where I began transitioning... It was the day after Trump was elected. My kids were scared. They are of mixed ethnicity and had been facing new adversity because of that... It still rings loud in my ears when my youngest said... "It's not fair, we can't hide who we are, but you can."

At that moment it was put up or shut up time. I couldn't hide myself any longer... They had known for a while and had accepted me... It was time I accepted myself and made sure to set an example in a scary world.

So... I am a trans-parent... Who stilllll loves women! That's the other thing that confuses so many. I am on the road to being a woman... But, still prefer and adore pussy to dick. After all "if I don't want mine, why the hell would I want yours in me." That's how I explain it to guys.

Sorry, but I find the male form repulsive. But, that's just from my personal Dogma. Men can be beautiful inside and out! And there's so many cute gay, straight, and transitioning men out there! I just find the penis to be... Ewwwy!

So... I'm a trans-parent... lesbian. That's how I define it... Who loves bondage! As an art, as a part of intimacy, as a form of sharing with friends... Now to what degree do I assign each part of that? Oh dear. Haha. I'm on the fence about collaring a mate or having a mate and collaring a sub... Or having a mate and US collaring a sub or a mutual mate.

More so... I think it's ok to tie up a friend and watch Netflix and giggle together... As much as I think it's awesome to have a mate tied for sex or to just chill.

Wait... Brought up sex. So I'm transitioning... And I like girls... How... Do... I...? I've said for years that I view the thing as "a permanent meat strap on." For that view, it's made coping easier and relationships with bi or lesbian women work...

Buuuut, I'm transitioning... So it's not permanent, right? Welllll... That's an expensive surgery... And financially I have those two amazing miniatures as my top priority... So, that comes down the road. "Then you're just a transvestite" the TLGBQP community tells me. Um.... Sorry, I define me, thank you very much!!!!!

So... That gender dysphoria and being trans is why most think I am a bondage/fetish/kink person. Pfffft. No... Actually, psychologically it can be tied to severe separation anxiety.

I grew up with a bi-polar/skitz mother and a father who wanted to ignore that, so he made sure to be at work constantly and leave me with the emotional, verbal, and physically abusive woman.

Ok ok ok... So a childhood of abuse... That's why I am trans. Noooooooooope.

Actually... I was born a little boy and a little girl... Spent a chunk of my childhood in hospitals having "reconstructive" surgeries... Because "we had a boy and we have to fix this."

Talk about combo pain!

Buuuut, dad wasn't around and mom was always in a psychiatric treatment ward... So... How did you---

My Aunt pretty much raised me. Granted I spent a lot of time bouncing around family member to family member as a child... But, my aunt-- my mom's sister-- was the one at the appointments... The one scheduling surgeries in between having my mom committed or pulling her off of trying to kill dad or swooping in to make sure mom didn't beat me too hard on my birthdays.

Ok ok ok... So that's fucked up. That's why you're into bond--

When I was fifteen my aunt died of cancer. My mother was sane enough through that year to take care of her... And when she couldn't, I did.

Long story short... I didn't get to say goodbye or express my love the last chance I had to my aunt... I was exhausted and couldn't quite understand it all and through a tantrum the last time I could have said anything.

So I stood powerlessly listening to the flat line feeling the warmth leave her hand. Frozen. Pushed aside by her "loving" husband to check-- I stood there as people came and went for hours. My cousin had to pick me up like a baby so I could move.

It's like all emotion but anger left me that day.

Years later I met my ex-wife. Our first date... Stupid old movie. AI... The scene where the robots mom closed her eyes for the last time... I lost it. I cried for what seemed like forever.

We confused our understanding of pain in each other that day for love. It was love. The love friends share... But we... We didn't know better.

We had met online (both teens) in the era of AOL chatboards. I was writing out a suicide note... It was to be my last try (10th) and I was going to go see my aunt. But, that stubborn bitch began messaging me.

She had thought I was a full on woman by the time we went on our first date.

Surprise!

So the beautiful dyke lesbian and the trans dated and got married. Somewhere in between she introduced sex and fetish to me. What a release! My first collared woman. And for that experience and being married and having kids and juggling it all together... I'll be forever grateful.

But... We fell apart.

She had needs I couldn't always fulfill. So I wanted her, my wife, to feel fulfilled. We swing (if that's the term), shared women... So on. But the more life set in, the more it was noticeable that our love was... Not what we thought.

I left her. I wanted her happy. I knew she had fallen for this one guy... I knew that he was hers. I broke it off in the worst of ways.

Anger. For years. Resentment.... 10 years she's been with him. I've never found a mate to accept me... All of me. Damned if I didn't try though.

She's stayed faithful and with him for 10 years while I dated and slept around looking for... Idk what exactly other than acceptance and comfort and a "team."

So... I'm a trans-parent divorcee who loves pussy and bondage and can't find a woman patient enough to take all of that in. Haha.

BUT... I'm also a writer... A crochet junky... An emotional empath due to a weird ass experience from my youth... I'm also a pagan/Hindi/ Catholic (don't you dare tell me that I can't combine and proudly say that), I am a hospitality/F&B career person, I am an outdoors enthusiast... I'm an introvert who is a great actress at being outgoing for my career... I'm a damned loyal yet extremely perverse and sexual friend... So few accept that.

I'm a lot... And there is so much more to my story. But I already feel I am boring whoever the fuck reads this... I am a giant "oxymoron" as one of my dearest friends says about herself.

I make so many people uncomfortable and I am completely unconventional.

I've been homeless and forgotten...

I've had a big ass home...

I used to be a player and still consider myself a slut...

I've fought alcoholism, but refuse AA and still occasionally drink!

I have soooo many crushes... A handful of ones that "got away..." A woman I'd marry in a heartbeat... Several women I want to have sex with just to know what it's like but only see them as friends and think the experience would just strengthen our friendship... 2 women that I just want to cuddle with because they are soooo cuddly, but that's all I'd like to experience... And I have a group of women who everyday have set an example of what it means TO BE a woman! And so far... 1 woman who has shown me that there's a way to juggle all aspects as long as you do it looking good :-)

I'm a lot. People view so many sides...

I just had to get it off my chest as yet another person in my life has had cancer appear and used it as a means to admonish all parts of me.