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urfavoritedcwhore · 3 months ago

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the russian boy//part four

warnings: cursing, mentions of sex, alcohol usage

lowercase intended

!reminder! boris’s first language is not English, so in some parts he’ll be speaking broken English. the writing “mistakes” in his dialect is intentional:)

part four: the sleepover (do or tell)

as we lay on the couch watching movies boris turns to me, "do you want drink?", he says gesturing to the vodka bottle outside. i mean im honestly still drunk but why not keep the party going. "if you're drinking i will.", i say with a shrug. he grins and goes outside to get the bottle. i guess tonight will be a blackout night, but i'm not worried. tomorrow's friday and if im too hungover ill just tell my teachers that im exhausted from the move so they're not suspicious. boris comes back inside with the vodka and plops down on the couch, closer than he was before. he take a swig from the bottle while looking straight at me. i smile and take the bottle from his hands when he pulls it away from his lips. it only has about 5 more shots in it, i guess we drank a fuck more than i thought we did. i bring the bottle to my lips and take about 2 shots, not wanting to drink it all. i pull the bottle back down from my mouth, before i can wipe my lips boris wipes them with his thumb. this man knows how to make my pussy throb, im tellin ya that. we both let out a small giggle and lean back into the couch. i place the bottle in the small space between us so that he can access it easily when he wants more. after about 5 seconds of silence, he speaks up. "you want to play game? could be fun.", he says turning towards me. what kinda game does this kid have in mind? fuck i hope it's not some weird strip game or something, not saying i wouldn't play, the problem is i need to be his friend before i have sex with him. i like this dude, maybe actually like like him. is that crazy? i only met him today, and maybe it's the liquor talking but fuck, i feel like we just kinda connected. it's a stupid crush that i don't want to have. i don't want to get too comfortable here, and i don't want to have a one night stand with my new friend. i speak up, "what kind of game?", i say raising my eyebrow suspiciously and looking at him. he smiles, "potter taught it to me, i think is called tell or do? is like when you pick "tell", you have to tell me something i ask, or if you pick "do" you have to do something i say.", he says trying his best to explain. "and if you don't want to tell or do what the other person picks, you have to drink.", he continues pointing to the bottle between us. this boy means truth or dare. you know what, i'm not gonna correct him i'll let him have this one. i'm honestly a little scared the game might get out of hand, but fuck it. if it gets out of hand oh well. it might not be ideal to do shit with this man, but the way he looks right now, i know i wouldn't be able to deny it. if the dare is "have sex with me", then i can just drink, easy peasy. "alright,", i say giggling, "i think i get the rules. i'll play.". boris smiles a happy smile and gets up, he walks over the the freezer and reveals three more bottles of liquor. oh shit. he takes one that looks like it's maybe whiskey and walks over to me. "we probably won't finish bottle tonight, we would get too sick, but we use for the game?", he asks waving it with a smirk.

ok ok good he's not expecting us to drink all that booze, for a second i thought i was gonna have to chicken out and tell him i couldn't. "perfect.", i say with a smile grabbing the bottle from his hand. i put it down on the couch, and pick back up the bottle of vodka laying on the couch. i take another quick shot and look at boris, who's now sitting beside me again. he opens his mouth and tilts his head back. i laugh and poor two shots in his open mouth. he tilts his head back up and swallows before we both let out a laugh. i place the bottle beside the whiskey, and look at him. "so who's going first?", i ask. "do or tell?", he asks me with a smile. i guess im going first. i don't wanna be lame and say tell on the first question, so i choose do. "i'll pick do.", i say hoping he doesn't pick anything too outrageous for me to do. he smiles and stands up jogging to his school bag. before i can even ask what he's doing he's back on the couch and digging through the bag. he pulls out a sharpie and smirks, "draw on potters face.", he says like he thinks he's the smartest person in the world for coming up with this. i look at him a chuckle, "ok fine, but when he wakes up in the morning you have to say you did it, im not taking the blame.", i say still laughing. "yes, he will think is me anyways.", boris says handing me the marker. i get up and walk over to theo, who's now snoring and laying on his back. i hear boris giggling like a child on the couch behind me. i uncap the marker and draw a small tear drop under his eye, and a penis on the tip of his nose. theo doesn't flinch at all, boris was right, once theo's asleep he's not waking up till morning. i cap the marker and look at my work before going back to the couch. boris starts laughing so hard he looks purple. "HAHAHAH, THEO THE GANGSTER, YES?", he exclaims in between laughs. i look at theo again and start absolutely dying, i don't know if it's because im so drunk or because its so childish, but for some reason its just too fucking funny. our laughter dies down after a minute, and i wipe the small tear that escaped my eye, as boris does the same. "ok ok,", i say still catching my breath from laughing, "your turn, tell or do?", i ask him. he thinks about it for a second. "hmm i choose tell." , he said with a shrug. "lameeee!", i say back to him laughing. he nudges me with his elbow, "cmon what do i tell you?", he says smiling. honestly i don't know what to ask him. i decide to go with the first question on my mind.

"is theo gay?", i whisper to him even though i know theo wouldn't wake up even if i was shouting at the top of my lungs. this makes him let out a throaty laugh and consider my question for a moment, "hmm theo likes both boys and girls, he told everyone last year. i mean i think everyone is a little gay, i can like men and women too, but i don't want my ass fucked.", he says nonchalantly. i almost choke on my own spit. good for theo and boris, no judgement from me, i had a girlfriend for a little while but things didn't work out. i guess all three of us swing both ways, i never would have guessed boris does, but hey the more you know. i smile, "i knew he was a little fruity, no one straight dresses that well!", i say remembering the cargo pants, vintage batman tshirt, and the studded belt theo wore today. boris laughs at this, "yea, potter will roam in thrift shops for hours looking for good clothes he can afford. i usually just wear whatever is clean in my closet, he gets so frustrated when i wear my sweater everywhere.", he says rolling his eyes and looking at theo. i let out a small giggle, " well personally, i think your sweater is very stylish.", i say rolling the sweaters sleeves up. he smiles at me and grabs the left sleeve of the sweater help me roll it up. after he gets the sleeve up he takes a swig of the vodka and hands it to me. i take a drink and set it back on the sofa. i 100% gonna have a hangover tomorrow. "tell or do?", he says wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "tell", i say without hesitation. "oh who's lame now?", he says with a smirk. "oh shut up!", i say slurring and giggling. he laughs, "okay okay, my question is..", he thinks for a moment, "are YOU gay?", he says pointing at me. i laugh at his exaggeration of the word "you". "yea, i mean i'm bi, i like boys and girls like you and theo do.", i tell him moving my hair out of my face. his mouth drops and i can tell that he didn't expect me to say yes. "wait so you have like..had girlfriend?", he asks confused, "cause i like both, but i have never had boyfriend before, just kissed a few boys.", he says with genuine curiosity. "yea i had a girlfriend for awhile, we dated for maybe..8 or 9 months? i can't remember.", i tell him trying to remember how long we dated. he must be as drunk as i am cause he blurts out, "did you have sex????", with the most genuine interest in his voice. "hey! this is tell or do not 20 questions. it's your turn, tell or do?", i say laughing at his question.

"fineee, i pick tell.", he says. "cmon dude are you ever gonna pick do?", i say smiling. "maybe, maybe not, we have to keep playing to figure out.", he says holding his hands up. we continue playing "tell or do", (which is basically just tell or drink now because we both keep choosing tell) until we're both slurring and laughing from all the whisky we've drank to avoid questions. it's my turn when my drunken brain makes my mouth say the first thing it thinks of. "how many people have you done the nasty with?", i say slurring with the whiskey bottle in my hand. usually i wouldn't even consider asking this but when im this drunk my mouth and brain have no filter. i realize what i said and jokingly shake the whiskey bottle at him, "tell or drinkkk.". he laughs, "keep the bottle i tell i tell, but you promise not to laugh?, he says looking at me. "i promise.", i say slurring and putting one hand over my heart. "ok so i sleep with one girl, and im pretty sure i didn't do it right. miała na imię Kailey i-", i cut him off. "english borisss", i say throwing a pillow lightly at him. i've realized the more he drinks the more russian or polish he talks without realizing it. "fuck sorry.", he says trying shaking his head. "her name was kailey, she was my girlfriend, but i'm pretty sure she didn't like because we only did once and a week later she break up with me.", he says explaining in his broken drunken english. "oh shit, that blows.", i say suprised that this sexy man may honestly not be good at fucking. i mean its gonna be pretty bad for a girl to leave him for the way he fucks. "no is okay, she was how do you say...ah whore, she was whore. she leave me to date older man like a year ago. maybe she leave because he has job and can buy her things?", he says like he genuinely doesn't care what the reason was. "well i'm sure you're a good fuck," i say trying to make him feel better, "i've heard russians are freaks in the sheets.", i whisper slurring with a laugh. this makes him chuckle, "ha! yes that is funny, have you slept with russian man before?", he says looking at me with a smirk. before i can realize what im saying i spit out, "no, not yet.", with a half joking flirtatious wink. his face turns red and his eyes grow. before he can say anything i laugh and take a swig of the whiskey, "i'm so fucking tired, i'm probably gonna pass out soon.", i say looking at my phone to realize it's 3:24am. "yea me too, do you want us to go up to bed or stay on couch?", he asks. aw fuck i teased him too hard he thinks something's gonna go down tonight. he notices the look on my face, "nothing weird, i promise, i just don't like sleeping alone and theo's not gonna wake up to sleep with me. is that weird?", he says reassuring me. "no it's not weird, i honestly hate sleeping alone too, i don't know why but i just sleep better with someone next to me.", i say truthfully. i'm guessing this need to not be alone stems somewhere from our mommy/daddy issues, but im not trying to explore that tonight. "okay, good. we can sleep in my room?", he asks pointing up stairs. "sure.", i say glad that im not gonna have to fall asleep on this tiny ass couch. we walk up stairs and into boris's room where we both fall on the bed too exhausted to even turn off the christmas lights on his wall. we're both on our own side of the bed, and just like he said it's nothing weird. he crawls under the blankets and then drapes them over me. "night new girl.", he says with a smile. "goodnight boris.", i say smiling back with a yawn. we fall asleep on our respective sides of the bed facing each other. fuck. this russian boy is too perfect, i mean can anyone blame me for having a crush?

#boris pavlikovsky #boris pavlikovsky smut #smut #the goldfinch #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky x reader #boris pavlikovsky fanfic #finn wolfhard #book boris #wolfhard #theo decker fanfic #theo decker smut #the goldfinch fanfic #the goldfinch book #the goldfinch movie #the russian boy

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the-ark-awaits · 2 years ago

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Hello all you may remember me from such bangers as 'show me the proxies in marble hornets' and 'and another thing'

oday um here to talk about how we've fucking regressed as a fandom since creepypasta and marble hornets on ao3 got. presumably merged as a fandom tags bc sorting for exclude crossovers still shows creepypasta fic. in fact doing that just now to confirm this, the very first fic on the list was creepypasta.

so obviously this is a huge pain in the ass for anyone who wants marble hornets fanfic and only marble hornets fanfic. you cant even remove creepypasta fics with exclude crossover, youd have to do it manually with filtering options not everyone knows how to use. and we shouldnt have to yknow? you should be able to go in your fandom tag on ao3 and find only that fandom and crossovers (which should be easily filtered out by exclude crossovers) same as here on tumblr crosstagging is a huge issue but the worst part of it is that the continuous crosstagging in recent years has caused the fandom tags to be merged (not fully as shown by the fact that the numbers for amount of fic in each tag is different) but enough that they're considered the same universe by ao3 which is. blatantly untrue.

creepypasta is a catchall term for internet short stories made by a community, marble hornets is one single webseries online. fuck the creepypasta fandom wouldnt be what it is without huge swaths of shit stolen from marble hornets (like yknow, the pages, the operator symbol, masky and hoodie) but that doesnt mean they are marble hornets fans that doesnt mean theyre making marble hornets content. that would be like saying that since fnaf and batim are kinda similar and the fans have an overlap that means theyre the same and should be tagged the same. they arent, and shouldnt be yknow?

also apologies this isnt the best post im kinda fried rn and im stuck on mobile

that not withstanding its fucking depressing. this did not used to be an issue. thr only fics tagged with both were generally easy to ignore or a real honest to god crossover, but now i swear you look at the mh tag on ao3 and the majority of the recent fics are crosstagged crp fics with giant tag lists that tack up the whole page and tag anyone who is so much as mentioned

and maybe this is a step too far here. but i really think this is bc of tiktok. the people crosstagging posts and fics seem to be the same type to complain avout the 'ao3/tumblr algorithm' not favoring them. but there is no algorithm, just annoyed fans who have to dig for their actual content because people dont have common decency anymore. theres an etiquette you need to follow for shit like this. like how would you feel if like. i dunno. fucking... genshin (just an example of a large fandom or whatever made a character cameo out of like jeff the killer and suddenly all the crp tags were filled with genshin posts not even related to or barely mentioning the character, just ti try and get more clicks?

youd be pretty fucking annoyed having to scroll past all that to find actual creepypasta content huh?

thats the same issue happening here, and honestly i think its a huge issue. for obvious reasons but also bc its so much harder to find mh content now that im sure its incredibly disheartening to be a creator in the fandom rn and foe the past few years. you work and make content for your rather small fandom and its buried under barely related shit, its gonna feel bad yknow? especially when that content gets more clicks bc. frankly theres more creepypasta fans than mh fans just bc of what creepypasta is format wise. its collectively made shortstories. you can like one or two and bc a crp fan, its not like that for mh

this is going kinda off my starting topic but anyways if theres any ao3 tag wrangles following me or who see this.

please for the love of god i beg of you to do anything you can to unmerge those tags i will do anything ill get receipts proving they're separate things please unmerge the tags im dying here

#marble hornets #ao3 #sorry im still reallt spacey rn cause i was high earlier today and im big adhd at the best of times #so someone with more brainpower than me rn id love some input #ill write a more coherent version lf this when im back home with my laptop after new years

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phantaloon · 9 months ago

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yall oh my god rant incoming

listen, so like, my best friend holds grudges like no one else, and she gets mad at very small things, but when she gets mad at me, i just try very hard to think the situation over, and find out whether the issue is really a big deal, if im the one who messed up, if im the one whos gaslighting her into thinking shes making it a big deal, and always end up having to convince myself that i should have expected shit to go badly, and that i should have expected the issues, and that i should have prevented the issue, and i always end up apologizing even if shes giving me the cold shoulder and hasn't replied to my texts in like 5 hours

and yeah that stems from my overthinking and my guilt complex and me thinking that i should do better and im not allowed to speak up about things i dont want to do, and how i should do what other people want, etc etc thats not the point rn

and like this time ik why she's hurting, and ik why it hit her so hard, i just didn't think about it until later, and i didn't do anything with ill purpose

but whats done its done, right

but this still isn't the point

the point is me and my hs friends are used to this friends attitude, we're used to her pettiness and if she gets mad we know we just need to apologize and give her space to calm down and find the words she wants to say, and i mean eventually shit goes back to normal

our uni friends are not used to this treatment and this routine

and from an outsider point of view, people would probably not side with her, it was literally a lack of communication, and her acting without speaking to us and then getting mad at us, im not entirely sure what for, but ik shes specially mad at me

and the thing is, our uni friends think this is an entirely childish behavior, and they're slightly bothered by that, bc we weren't entirely at fault, when both sides lacked communication

and now idk what the fuck to do, bc even if i know my bestie from literal preschool, i too can recognize childish behavior, and i have no idea of how to justifiy her actions and i dont know if i should justify her actions

so now im entre la pared y la espada and my friend wont talk to me, my friends are bothered by bestie's actions, and im just in the middle trying to find out what the actual fuck to do

and like the worst part is im not even sure how i fucked up, but i know i fucked up, bc thats what im used to it happening when she gets mad

and its really just a big fucking mess 🫠

#val rants

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corruptedplaylist · 1 year ago

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act i behind the scenes

hi hello, welcome to a little bts for my voltron college au fanfic, looking out for you on ao3!

favorite scene: the ending of chapter 5, actually! i remember i was typing as fast as i fucking could to try and get it done and sent to my beta (i was also holding my family up for dinner lmao). the last few paragraphs where keith reflects on how far he's come and lance catching him in his own head— that just kinda poured out of me and after going back and rereading it, i don't think there was ever a different way to end the chapter.

favorite character: copout answer but i dont have a favorite character to write. i have a huge soft spot for canon lance and pidge but in the fic, i love the small moments where lance or keith are interacting one-on-one with each other or with other people. i feel like i can really dig into the characterization there. hunk and lance's dynamic has been really fun for me to write because i am so soft at the thought of childhood best friends who have seen each other in almost every version of themselves and know each other in and out. i think hunk and lance stabilize each other pretty well, and they just seem to exist as two sides of the same coin. i also really enjoy pidge's dynamic with lance because it reminds me of two of my friends who were essentially brother and sister and argued all the time and made fun of each other. but ultimately, they'd fight to the death for each other. shiro and keith's dynamic is fun because i like being able to get in keith's head and write a shit ton of his inner monologue but then what comes out is like three sentences while shiro just patiently waits for him to spit it out. i also have been hinting (which ill be deepning later on) that even though keith and shiro love each other and are close, there's some distance between them that's built over time. i think it's natural, especially when keith still hasn't fully come to terms that someone he perceives to be a hero would ever take a chance on him. when shiro, the gay depressed bitch that he is, goes to college and experiences the sanctity of forming your own community and meeting people who really truly get you, ofc he's going to constantly want to go back. i think that yearning definitely scares keith and thus leads him to distancing himself as a means of self preservation. and ofc, shiro sees keith pulling away but isn't sure what to do because keith won't talk to him so there's gonna be some underlying tension. can't wait to unpack all of that! i love u space dad i love u space emo.

least favorite scene: i fucking hate action oml. i don't mind reading it but i cannot stand writing it and that's mainly because i have such a rotten little brain that has a hard time processing shit and so the pacing is really difficult for me. (thank u to my beta for suffering through my constant questions). all the paintball scenes in act i weren't my favorite because i had to constantly map out where all 12 characters were on the field at all times and how they were moving and where they were moving. that being said, i do think the paintball scenes were valuable because i got to explore how each individual member would act separately and then as a group. i am v happy that there will be no more paintball after this, tho. (i have never played paintball before in my life). character's ethnic identities yeah so i made a note around chapter 2? i think? that i wanted to incorporate the lived experiences of 1.5, second, and third generation immigrants because this is a fanfic but also i wanted to ground it in reality a little. as a person of color, going to college i had the freedom to explore my identity and also reconcile notions of home and tradition with an entirely new group of people. im a huge sucker for language and it was important to me to incorporate various degrees of bilingualness because that's how i saw other people from multicultural households talk.

i couldn't really include keith being half-galra in a college au but i did see potential to have him go through an identity crisis about being half-korean (asians being forever foreigners, aliens, immigrants). since krolia wasn't there to see him grow up and help him connect with his korean heritage, i think that definitely contributed to keith's anger and trauma of not having the one person who could understand what he was feeling. as someone who grew up not knowing their biological family, i can understand keith's reluctance to even attempt to dive into his heritage and so he's just stuck in this liminal space where he's half-korean living with two japanese people. i created a somewhat elaborate backstory for him and i have big plans for his identity exploration further on so im very excited to project write more.

this has been a short but sweet bts of looking out for you! get excited for act ii! there will be more klance(!!!) and relationship development among the other characters (keith & allura, lance & allura, lance & adam!)

#ao3 fanfic #klance #college au #voltron legendary defender #behind the scenes #lance mcclain #keith kogane #takashi shirogane #adam voltron #allura vld #hunk garrett #pidge holt

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onlysushicat · 7 months ago

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Wanted to add the thought I had while I drew this the other day

I imagine the scenario being like them both playing a game and Karkat talks about getting intimate/talk about their bodies(I suck SO MUCH at writing but I did my best) but yeah, nsfw under the cut :3 dudes be looking at each others stuff under their pants

Both of them would be around 19 or 20yo, started dating years after the game ended if we imagine all this connected to the comic etcetcetc. If not then this could work in any AU where trolls and humans live together idc

K: You know we've been dating for almost a year now

D: yes, still amazed about it

K: Like, we kiss sometimes and sleep in your bed after we spend the whole day together

D: what about it?

K: ..no its nothing, keep playing

D: dude if youre trying to highlight something this way, youre doing it wrong cause im not understanding you

Awkward moment, then Dave suggets that maaaybe they are thinking the same thing but he preferred to avoid the topic and wait until Karkat was ready to discuss it. Karkat focuses on the game and doesn't talk back, then Dave starts

D: its not necessary i mean, its ok if it never happens youknow. i dont mind livin a life without wetting the biscuit, looking at gods face, putting the plug into the socket

K: Shut up for fucks sake, Im curious because there is not a single book or movie about humans naked bodies in this lame ass world and I actually want to enjoy a new private activity with my boyfriend [he accepted the boyfriend title because matesprite would mean he puts Dave in a quarter of relationships yadda yadda you know the usual] , unlike YOU who seems uninterested in it avoiding as if touching me would give you a deathly illness. At least I would enjoy talking about our own bodies but not even that happens

D: what the FUCK was that about, im not a mind reader how did you expect me to know u wanted this with me now

D: and i did imagine what you look like but im no pervert man i wouldnt ask about your body just because i thought about it sometimes

After some small discussion things calm down, Dave suggets playing a game and whoever wins gets to show his parts first to the other. Winner provides some information before showing to avoid weird questions. Karkat almost rejects the idea but accepts because its the best option at the moment and Dave seems actually interested.

Dave gets distracted while imagining a bunch of gay shit and loses, maybe a racing game??? Idk, but anyway Karkat won. Curses in a whisper and goes to sit on the bed while Dave watches him in silence while following him slowly, sitting in front of him.

They are face to face, none of them talking, Karkat tries to explain to Dave what to expect but hes way too nervous and uncomfortable now that they made a whole mood just for the "reveal". To try and relax him Dave says they could make out as usual.

K: Thats just an excuse to kiss me, right?

D: maybe but it could also work

K: I guess, in the movies the main couple always start with a kiss session before the scene gets intimate and people start to show more than I agreed to watch

They get to the kisses smooches etc, shades come off, kisses become bites, and then the "reveal" start to happen. Karkat explains a little bit of what Dave is seeing, him ending up with his eyes staring like his life depends on it. Dude got lost in the junk

K: Stop with that stare

K: Dave

D: what, what did i do

K: Youre staring too much

D: Karkat you got an entire museum of art there and i feel i could get every answer in the universe if i keep staring

K: Cant you get serious for once, Im literally showing you my genitals for the first time

D: what did you expect? you want me to touch it right away?

K: wha

D: what

K: DONT touch it right know its very sensitive, and if you really want to do it at least wait until my bulge gets out

D: your what

K: you dont know what a bulge is, dipshit?

D: how the fuck would i know, youre an alien dude

K: then what do you have down there?

D: oh you sound so desperate now you should listen to yourself

K: FUCK OFF IM CLOSING MY LEGS NOW

D: I WAS KIDDING, DONT BLUE BALL ME NOW

D: fine ill show you but dont laugh, right now is not at his full size and extent. not at his prime you know

K: it grows? Like, a plant?

D: just dont laugh thats all i ask for

Thats all I got for now because I dont think they would have sex right away. Maybe the 2nd time it happens lol

Dave's reveal of his dick I can write some other day if you actually think my writing is ACCEPTABLE/OKAY/FINE FOR A FIRST TIME NSFW WRITER

Ps: Im not a good writer at Dave and Karkats chatting because to me they write/talk like common dudes with a little bit of shortened words, some long ass sentenses and insults from time to time

BE NICE 👉👈

#Long ass post #Self reblog #Davekat #What should i tag this #Suggestive writing #Idk i never wrote this kind of stuff LMAO #Gay shit

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kdipshit · 2 years ago

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Learning still ;

Do we manually turn on focused mode when talking about focused vs. diffuse mode? And is that why I’m always ‘bored’ coz Im always in diffuse mode? Focus is a difficult thing to learn, and yes I think I have to learn everything from the beginning, I need to know the laws I need to keep balance, the laws of life…. How my brain works, how I think, how I feel my emotions, how I process thoughts, all of that, needs to be learnt, and I can’t learn properly without first being in focus mode, the gathering mode, recieval mode, information is just pouring in, its not until we get to use our diffuse move where we turn around and place the info into the subcategories of your brain, organising and making sense of the information. One just doesn’t seem possible without the other. So I have to learn how to use these mods in order to actually learn anything.

My brain feels like its a lot of the info I’m storing is hoarded, or in the wrong places. So I’m at a point where I’m tying to reorganise my brain, gather info from myself, and renovate my head space. Its the least I could do hehe.

I can’t waste my days trying to find the meaning in everything, I can see the bigger picture and get a change to clean my lense while I’m at it, the meaning is productivity. If youre doing, there is always meaning. Ugh idk serial killers might read that and think I’m on their side I’m just rambling and probably talking to only a specific few….

Dont regret a single choice, even if your regret it, like if you decided to have a cone even tho you’re running low and you didn’t really need it, don’t regret those small choices, learn to accept your choice as they come naturally, you can learn to change them once you get to know them, you might even find our exactly why you make some decisions that may not be there best, but you do them anyways. I make choices every single day that I’m not exactly proud of, but they’re MY choices, an extension on ME, so ill fan love the shit out of them until they start acting right, I know they’re wrong, some bigger than others, some effects others, but they’re mind and I own them. i can tell you why I would do some of the bad things, give you all the reasons in the world, convince you, but it will still be burning in the bottom of my stomach.

What I’m trying to say is, I am okay with exactly who I am right now. My goals are reachable, I can see the person I want to become, and I can see how to get there, right now I am working on my actions, starting with my reactions. I can say all the fun things I want, but to live by my own word. That is the mani right there, its the changing who I am, and accepting the best version of myself. It may be hard and I may feel like I don’t even want it, but its a trick and I better keep going.

I am so happy to get some of this shit off my mind, its like I’m unravelling a chord filled with life from my brain, and just translating everything and putting it on paper, so I can read it. Writing every day has been such an escape, I love writing. I could do this shit all day, lol, well I could do this shit all day when I’m in this this mood I guess lol, I could actually write in almost any mood, even my I don’t wanna write moods, I can write in any mood.

The bad definitely outweighs the good, by bad feelings about writing : ‘I don’t want to write’… my good feelings about writing : it literally gives me life, its allowing my should to be expressed, I feel open and connected to my body, I feel like I’m learning so much, I just love the feeling of writing taking me away.

I always find comfort in the 1 bad thought, and then it consumes me. Sometimes all I can think about is not wanting to write. I guess I don’t want to be proactive lol, I’m learning a lot now, though. So its been easier to come to the keyboard. Easier to be proactive, easier to not feel guilt after zoning out, for I’m just in diffuse mode, no need to yank it back into focus mode, there is no rush. I feel peace here.

Writing helps me to construct my sentences, I kind of get muddled up trying to make sentence out loud. Helps my thought process slow down so I can see wtf I’m actually thinking about. I didn’t know I had a problem with living In my head, when I looked around and noticed I barely even look after myself, everything is an effort, and I had no hobbies, but so much fkn shit around me. Its time to clean this hoarding mess I’ve kept in my head, and live with the world. You think you the only one who doesn’t get to do the mani? Nah girl… up you get.

I think I learn by learning what is it not. Like how I just learn how to focus properly because I learnt what it actually is, focused mode is tunnel vision, I know what focused is because I know what its opposite is, diffuse. I know and understand the opposite because I know and understand focus. Do I make sense? Well I make sense to me, in a way that actually freaks me out, I’m like my own teacher, philosophy ? Girl idk.

I feel like I just need to slow it down, the thinking, just slow it down. Stop thinking about thinking. BE. Seperate your body from your thoughts , they’re not even there.

I can’t wait to fall in love again, with the right person. I love so vibrantly and beautifully and I can’t wait to be able to express that again. Until then, I will practice by loving myself in that same vibrant way. I want to give myself everything that I can, all my time, my attention, my love, my gifting, my home, my safe place. If I could dig deeper in my subconscious.. where would I go?

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #sewersidal

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hornime · 4 years ago

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watch and learn | iwaizumi hajime x f!reader x team japan

there were two things they all had in common: the growing bulges in their pants that they were urgently trying to distract themselves from, and the fact that their full attention was on you.

warnings: 18+, timeskip!everyone, BIG MANGA SPOILERS BASICALLY, exhibitionism, voyeurism, orgasm denial

w/c: 3.1k

a/n: now i don’t know if iwaizumi hajime (27) athletic trainer learned about female orgasms when he was studying sports science at irvine BUT he def knows how to show a girl a good time which is reason enough for me to write this. also, i read this article to prep for this piece and it was super enlightening, so i do recommend giving it a read if you’re interested!

in the middle of his morning run, iwaizumi slowed momentarily to check the repetitive buzzing of this phone, curious as to who was messaging him this early. when he’d left the apartment, you were sleeping, and you had the tendency to still be sleeping by the time he returned, so who else could it be?

he unlocked his phone, quickly finding the source of the notifications: the team japan group chat.

[06:43 AM] miya: hey @iwaizumi—you know stuff abt the human body right?

[06:43 AM] miya: cus like you studied it in college and shit??

iwaizumi rolled his eyes. i spent four years in america to earn my degree, came back home to support my country’s olympic team, and dealt with the biggest idiots of volleyball, only to get treated like this?

[06:44 AM] iwaizumi: yes, miya. i took many courses on the human body. in fact that’s the purpose of my job. to know the human body. because i am a fucking athletic trainer.

[06:44 AM] miya: okay okay i get it. dumb question

[06:44 AM] iwaizumi: why? is something up? you need help or anything?

[06:44 AM] miya: uhhh kinda

[06:44 AM] miya: @hinata i’m not fucking asking this

[06:44 AM] bokuto: bro just do it

[06:44 AM] miya: @hinata @hinata @hinata

iwaizumi cocked an eyebrow. what the hell are they going on about?

[06:45 AM] iwaizumi: so am i needed or...

[06:45 AM] hinata: YES

[06:45 AM] hinata: we had a question

[06:46 AM] sakusa: by “we” he means him, miya, and bokuto

[06:46 AM] suna: yeah don’t bring us into this

[06:46 AM] hinata: don’t listen to them! both suna and sakusa wanna know too

[06:46 AM] iwaizumi: okay. what’s up

[06:47 AM] hinata: we wanted to know how to make a girl cum

he chuckled in disbelief.

[06:47 AM] iwaizumi: you’re telling me that you guys are in your mid-20s, literal olympic athletes, and you don’t know how to make a girl cum

[06:47 AM] iwaizumi: have you never done it before??

[06:47 AM] miya: NO

[06:47 AM] miya: FOR THE RECORD IVE MADE MANY GIRLS CUM

[06:48 AM] bokuto: ME TOO

[06:48 AM] bokuto: i think

he laughed out loud, briefly startling another runner on the sidewalk.

[06:48 AM] iwaizumi: you guys are unbelievable

[06:48 AM] hinata: i mean she says she finished but idk what i did to make that happen

[06:48 AM] bokuto: ^^

[06:48 AM] hinata: so like i wanna know how to actually do it

[06:48 AM] suna: actually im kinda interested in this too

[06:48 AM] aran: i pray for your future girlfriends. this is painful to see. im out

[06:48 AM] kageyama: i’m with aran on this one. you guys are dumb

[06:48 AM] hinata: shut up. you suck.

[06:48 AM] miya: cmon iwaizumi, help a guy out

[06:48 AM] sakusa: it wouldnt hurt for you to give us some pointers at least

iwaizumi sighed.

[06:49 AM] iwaizumi: @miya @hinata @bokuto @suna @sakusa meet in the locker room after practice. ill give you guys a lesson in the art of pleasing a woman

to teach effectively, he needed a volunteer, though he was sure you wouldn’t need much convincing. you’d always loved the attention, and the biceps, of the pro athletes. he spun on his heel and jogged home.

you woke up to the sound of your apartment door opening, your boyfriend creeping inside, forehead damp with sweat.

“hey,” you said quietly, making your way towards him.

“hey, baby. sorry for waking you up, i was trying to be quiet.”

you giggled sleepily. “s’okay, haji. you spoil me too much anyway, always letting me sleep in for hours while you’re off doing god knows what.”

at that, his eyes crinkled in amusement, and as you tried to step into a hug, he shuffled back. “woah there, baby. i gotta shower, ‘m all gross from my run. and then,” he gave you a peculiar look that you couldn’t quite place, “i got a proposition for you.”

after his shower, he waltzed out of the bathroom, steam wafting out from behind the door. his tanned body made you feel things you definitely shouldn’t be barely an hour after the sun’s risen, and you reached out to massage the tension in his shoulders. “so, what’s your proposition?”

“well,” he hesitated. “it’s a bit... unconventional. the team asked me to show them how to make a girl cum,” he took in your intrigued expression. “and it’d be a lot easier to explain if i had someone to do a live demonstration with. so,” his eyes flicked up to you. “that’s where you’d come in.”

“a... live demonstration? like you’re gonna make me cum in front of them?”

“yeah, essentially.” he gave you a devilish grin. “you want that, baby? wanna show those boys how a real man treats a gorgeous woman like you?”

you rubbed your thighs at his words. “yeah,” you purred. “i do. wanna show them how good you are to me.”

and that’s how you found yourself nestled between iwaizumi’s muscled thighs, back pressed against his chest, completely naked, with five of japan’s best volleyball players staring at your body in awe.

practically an expert in his field, iwaizumi knew the human body inside and out. this had many benefits; of course it allowed him to catapult up the ranks and work with the country’s best athletes to keep them at the top of their game, but it also had a unique side effect: an overwhelming vault of knowledge on how to make a woman feel good anywhere.

you’d seen the proof firsthand; he knew exactly where to push, prod, stroke, and tease to have you cumming in seconds, over and over, as many times as you wanted. he was amazing, and you were well-aware just how lucky you were to have such a talented man in the sheets.

“oi,” iwaizumi snapped his fingers, drawing each of the players’ eyes away from your glistening cunt. “pay attention. i know more than anybody that she’s hot as fuck, but you gotta listen to what i’m saying or else there’s no point to this.”

he lightly pressed his lips against your collarbone, slowly tracing them against your jaw, the contact making you squirm. “if you wanna make a girl cum, first thing you gotta do is make her comfortable. if she’s worried about how she looks or sounds or smells she’s gonna be too stressed to let go.” he moved his hands to grope your tits, his calloused fingers brushing over your hardening nipples. “so reassure her, tell her how irresistible she is, how pretty her moans are, how tasty her pussy is. shit like that. the sexier she feels the better it’ll be.”

he leaned into you, whispering into your ear. “feeling good, baby? we can stop whenever.”

you nodded weakly, afraid to open your mouth, barely holding in your whines as his palms worked wonders on your chest and stomach, sending shocks of heat wherever they touched.

you craned your neck up to observe the men before you. atsumu was flushed red, wringing his hands as if he was worried they’d do something embarrassing if he didn’t keep them occupied. hinata was bouncing his leg up and down, wiping his palms on his shorts as he took in the plushness of your thighs. bokuto was basically drooling, greedily tracing your soft curves with his eyes. suna maintained his indifferent expression, but the reddening tips of his ears showed that he was a lot more hot and bothered than he let on. sakusa stood quietly to the side, leaning against the wall, mask tucked under his chin as if he’d just realized how much the temperature had gone up in the room.

there were two things they all had in common: the growing bulges in their pants that they were urgently trying to distract themselves from, and the fact that their full attention was on you.

"make sure to try different things; there’s multiple ways to make a woman cum. only like a quarter of women experience orgasms just from penetration,” someone made a sound of shock. “yes, the number is that small, bokuto.”

his fingertip slowly trailed past your belly button, dipping into the mess between your thighs, causing you to slightly arch your back into the solid chest supporting you. “foreplay with the clit is your best bet; even stupid fucks like you probably wouldn’t screw it up too bad.”

hinata opened his mouth to speak, but iwaizumi anticipated his question and continued.

“i know you’re wondering where the clit is. it’s around here, under this hood of skin,” he slid his digit between your labia. “s’not gonna come with a label so you gotta explore a little bit. i know where hers is like the back of my hand, but for you guys, with your girls, you’re gonna have to move your fingers around. slowly. and pay attention to her expressions.” he began to rub in a circular motion around your clit, causing you to make small whimpers of pleasure and shift your hips to meet his movements.

“if she clenches up or twitches when you feel a certain spot, like this,” your legs flexed as he increased the pressure, “that’s the clit. be kind, it’s not a volleyball. be gentle n’ make small circles, whether it’s with your fingers or your tongue.”

he thought for a second. “speaking of which, oral’s important. very important. most women cum when they’ve been eaten out, so use your mouths for something more useful than just dirty talk. suck on the clit, maybe tongue-fuck her a ‘lil, but your main focus should always be the clit.”

he removed his hands from your sopping pussy, and you made a pathetic noise of frustration. “’m sorry, baby,” he muttered seductively in your ear. “don’t wanna have you finishing too early. lesson’s barely started.”

he turned his attention back to your audience, his lustful tone being replaced by a more instructional one. “there’s other places that’ll help a woman orgasm, too: her nipples, her neck, her ears—”

“her ears?” sakusa questioned. he blushed profusely as everyone turned to look at him, surprised that he’d opened his mouth. “what? we were all thinking it.”

“s’a valid question,” iwaizumi said. “yeah, you can lick ‘em if they’re sensitive. hers are.” as if to prove his statement, he licked a stripe on the shell of you ear, making you wiggle helplessly at the stimulation. “‘n leave kisses everywhere else. feels good for them just like it does for us.” he wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him and forcing your movements to stop as he traced patterns with his tongue all around your neck.

“something you should know about an orgasm is that it’s something called a positive feedback loop.” he looked up and was met with five blank stares. shouldn’t have expected anything from these dumb jocks, he lamented. “basically that means that, once you start releasing sexual tension, things will feel better and better until you climax.”

“oh!” atsumu chirped. “like how my sets get better and better throughout a game.”

“no, not really,” he quipped. “your sets suck throughout.” atsumu frowned at that.

iwaizumi exhaled exasperatedly. “the general idea is that the body gets more and more sensitive, muscle contractions become more and more frequent, and touches feel more and more stimulating until you cum. all right?”

they all made noises of understanding except for bokuto and hinata, whose eyes had glazed over at the first mention of an academic term. whatever, iwaizumi thought. they’ll get it through example.

"don’t worry about it too much if you don’t get it, that’s just an orgasm on paper. in practice, though, this is the crucial step: listen to her. she knows what feels good. never forget that you’re just an idiot with a cock.” he took a breath, gathering his thoughts before proceeding with his lecture.

“if she tells you to slow down, you slow down. if she tells you to go harder, you go harder. if she tells you to keep doing what you’re doing, you...”

“keep doing what you’re doing”, they all chimed in at staggered times.

“that’s right. don’t go faster or else you’ll mess up the rhythm and she won’t cum. and you wanna make her cum, don’t you?”

they nodded simultaneously.

“so if you keep up the tempo and force that feels good to her, you’ll be fine. questions?”

suna spoke up. “what about,” he choked on the word. “penetration?”

hinata hummed in agreement and bokuto jumped in. “yeah, what if i wanna make her cum on my cock?”

iwaizumi made a weird face. “that’s some pretty advanced stuff, but i guess i can go over it. when you try it, though, you have to be patient. with both of your bodies. s’not rocket science but s’not always easy. also it depends on the woman but sometimes she physically won’t be able to finish from penetration alone. just make sure you’re communicating.”

his swirled two fingers over your hole before shoving them in, your wetness making it easy for him to thrust in and out as your entrance stretched to accommodate him. “f—fuck!” your eyes flew open at the intrusion and you body lurched forward, but you were held back by his strong forearm. “ohmygod, oh my g—ah! feels s’good haji, s’good!”

“i know, baby, i know. you’re taking it so well.” he turned his attention back to the men, each of who were gulping heavily. if that didn’t signal to you that they were evidently affected by your moans, the way they shifted in their workout shorts did.

“boys, focus.” he curled his fingertips, brushing at the spongy spot at the top of your walls, ripping a pleasured wail from your throat and causing tears to prick at your eyelashes. “when you’re fingering her, you’ll feel an area inside that’s a bit soft and squishy. that’s the g-spot.”

you trembled in his arms as he mercilessly struck the same place over and over again with his fingers. “when you’re fucking her, try to keep the pressure building there, but it’ll be harder to make her finish since you can’t see what you’re doing.”

your breath hitched as iwaizumi’s incessant movements brought your body tantalizingly close to your release. he suddenly stopped and you almost sobbed in disappointment, until he plunged his fingers impossibly deeper.

a guttural scream of ecstasy came from within you, and your eyes rolled back as he began playing with another part of you, your body putty in his hands. “hngh, haji, ah! so good, s’good...” you threw your hands back around his neck, nails digging into the skin as you desperately tried to keep yourself grounded. your soft moans filled the air.

“stop clenching,” he hissed. “can barely move my hand.” you tried to relax but failed miserably as the tips of his fingers grazed your cervix.

“holy fuck,” suna muttered. “you’re a god.”

“she sounds so pretty,” atsumu said in amazement.

“i wanna make a girl feel good like that, too!” bokuto sulked.

“you can do it, bokuto!” hinata hit him on the arm. “just listen to iwaizumi. clearly he knows what he’s talking about.”

their eyes refocused on your figure, writhing in pleasure, prompting white hot waves of arousal to pool in their stomachs.

“yeah,” sakusa said. “clearly.”

“stop talking,” iwaizumi ordered. “and listen. beyond the g-spot is the cervix, which is basically the end of the vagina. if you’re long enough,” he briefly scanned each of their faces, “which i’m sure you are, you’ll be able to reach it if you bottom out.”

“haji—hajime, please.” the stimulation was coming absolutely unbearable, and you could tell he was sadistically holding you at the edge, refusing to give you the satisfaction of finishing. “lemme cum, please. please lemme cum, please, please, i can’t—i can’t take it ‘nymore!”

“what was that? you can’t take it anymore? gonna cum?” you helplessly bobbed your head up and down, hoping that he’d give you permission. “well,” he growled, “we can’t have that happening, can we?”

he abruptly halted his thrusts, pulling his fingers out of you with an embarrassing squelch and popping them into his mouth. pearly tears rolled down your cheeks as you grieved the loss of contact and relief.

your viewers looked on in horror, feeling immense sympathy for you; you just looked so dejected from being denied yet another orgasm.

“why didn’t you—why didn’t you let her cum?” bokuto asked.

“why do you think?” iwaizumi snapped. “don’t want you guys to see her when she does. that’s for me, and only me.”

“oh, okay,” he responded, disgruntlement clear in his voice.

iwaizumi’s glare could cut glass, it was so sharp. the possessiveness that had enveloped his mind made him hyperfocus on just one thought: being alone with you. “so, any other questions? if not, we’re done here.”

you pouted at that, not wanting the demonstration to be over. “but haji,” you mumbled into his collarbone. “i di’nt get to cum. and i wanna.” you looked up at him, eyes wide with want. “please make me cum.”

iwaizumi sent a harsh glance to the players that nonverbally communicated his message loud and clear: get out. they shuffled awkwardly out of the locker room due to the hardness between their legs that they would most definitely need to deal with soon.

your boyfriend turned his attention back to you. “’m sorry, i know i had to deny you a bunch of times. i just really hated the idea of anyone but me seeing the cute way you look when you cum.”

you made a small noise of acknowledgement and a little whisper of it’s okay, haji. he looked down, sensing the way your poor, desperate cunt was pulsing around nothing, the erotic sight injecting him with the pure need to ravage you.

he shifted his head to kiss you passionately. “why don’t i make it up to you?” he breathed between your parted lips before picking you up by the backs of your thighs, forcing you to lock your ankles around his waist.

he delicately situated you onto one of the recovery beds at the back of the room, before murmuring something that made your pussy throb in anticipation: “i’ll make you cum whichever way you want, however many times you want, all right? all you gotta do is lay back and take it.”

#kinky.inky #haikyū!!#haikyuu smut #hq smut #haikyuu iwaizumi #iwaizumi smut #iwaizumi x reader #atsumu smut #hinata smut #bokuto smut #suna smut #sakusa smut #iwaizumi #sakusa #bokuto #hinata #suna #atsumu

4K notes · View notes

tastyykpop · 4 years ago

Note

nct dating headcannons!

I only did 127 because there's so many but ill do the others if anyone requests it :)

ɴᴄᴛ ʙғ ʜᴇᴀᴅᴄᴀɴᴏɴ

Taeil

Mr. Moon Taeil is the definition of a cuddly boyfriend

Hes always holding your hand or kissing your cheek

Definitely gets shy when the members are around but in public youre all his

Hes super sincere about anything too but also knows how to joke around

I mean have you seen him with nct

Hes funny❗❗

Like he's gonna make you laugh no matter what

And those deep convos yall would have at night while cuddling>>>

"What if we were put on earth by aliens as an experiment to see if we would live and everytime we see ufos its just our cousins checking up on us"

Eyes wide open, "bro"

Taeils either the big or small spoon too

There's no in between

Also the biggest baby when yall are chilling

"I call small spoon!"

"But you were the small spoon last night"

"K and what about it"

10/10 would complain if you didn't want to sit with him and watch a movie or show

Would probably guilt trip you by saying you never watch something with him

Hes a sweet manipulator...

But he could easily replace you with one of the members

Like sicheng

Taeil will always ask if you've eaten

If you haven't eaten he gets big sad

Don't make him sad

Plus hes always checking on your health

And he'll know if your lying if you say you're doing fine when you're not

Also don't lie in general cuz he doesn't like that

That would make him trust you a bit less and he definitely wants trust in the relationship

Trust is a huge key or hes out

Johnny

This man 🥲

Boyfriend Material™

So gentle and loving

Loves making you feel special and will hype the shit out of you when you don't feel confident doing something

Will always make sure you're doing okay

Johnny puts in so much effort to make this relationship work and expects you to put the same amount of effort into it too

Like taeil, hes really big on trust

Add honesty to that list

Plus he expects you to be mature when needed

If you're the type of person who depends on someone else for everything and I'm mean everything he will actually leave

Hes not your babysitter❤

But he will take care of you to some extent

Like basic things for instance

He'll make you food if you're sick, get you water if your dehydrated, will get your feminine products when you need it

Very sweet😌

Okay and he spoils you but wbk

"Why are you getting me so much things?"

"Because I love you."

"But why did you get me a kitten costume???"

He has some kinks to work out 😐

Johnny will go to shop after shop even if you say you don't want something (you do but you just don't want him to pay) he'll get it without batting an eye

"Youve been staring at these shoes for 5 minutes imma buy them for you"

"Huh? No! I-"

"Too late"

will take you out to dinner all the time just to be romantic

Hes actually really good at romantic stuff

I say Johnny you say whipped

Johnny👀

Whipped😫

His free time is always you time

So don't bother saying your busy cuz now hes busy with you

"Johnny i got a test coming up can you come later? I need to study

"Thats cute im coming over to help"

Taeyong

Judging taeyong on his looks, some say he would be cold to his girlfriend

Like a tsundere

But the man is quite the opposite

Though he can be stern if need be

He has 22 children what do you expect

Will literally treat you like his members and always taking care of you

But there will be times when you have to take care of him because hes so tired from work

He turns into a baby when he's tired or lazy too

So wrap him in a burrito blanket and hes all set for the day

Makes weird noises but thats normal

You're just watching tv and hes just making some old video game sounds with his mouth

No one questions it

If he didnt make sounds you'd probably question it

Talks in pout if he doesn't get his way with you

"Why don't you wanna play games with me~"

"Bruh I'm tired"

Or just gives you those big puppy eyes without even trying

Complete other person when you're not listening

He just kinda stares at you all intimidating like until you listen

Taeyong won't do anything too bad if you kept ignoring him, but you don't know that

Omg bro he'd literally bring you on vlive with him to chat

Even if the company is like '???Shes not an idol???'

But its taeyong so SM doesn't care🧍‍♂️

"We have special guest again! Its y/n-ah!!"

You'd be just chilling on his bed giving him a wtf look until you realize there's a camera and smile

"Shes cute. Isn't she cute guys?"

Don't try to escape the vlive, he'll just get up and sit you on his lap

Makes everyone watching jelly🥲

Bro he would make fun of you the same way he makes fun of doyoung

you'd be sitting with doyoung or sumn and taeyong just comes up to the both of you and decides

'Its time to end these two'

You and doyoung are just like 'tf did we do'

Somehow some other members are making fun of yall

Of course they aren't mean

Its all fun and games and gives you a good laugh after

Doyoung

Hes literally a mom

But its ok

You love it

Sometimes

He also nags a lot

And if you don't listen he gets mad

You wouldn't tell him this but you find it funny

And cute🤐

"Youre almost as bad as dream"

"what are u talking about im an angel"

"Kay then put the knife down we kinda need haechan to live"

Hes beaten you with a pillow once

In front of taeyong

Taeyong was watching like 👁👄👁

I dont think he cares much for pda tbh

But he doesn't hate it

He'll hug you a lot

And doyoung will probably kiss you here and there

But thats depending on his mood

If he's tired he'd probably just hold you in his arms

Either way he still makes you smile even with the smallest of touches

When you guys go out in public doyoung always holds your hand

I mean always

Remember when I said he doesn't seem like the type to be into pda

I lied

Doyoung wants everyone to know youre his

He won't kiss you but he will pull you into random hugs and hold your hand like he's gonna lose you any second

Doyoung also can't go anywhere without dressing his best

Like even if he's just practicing he's gotta look cute

And he always does because he's fucking kim doyoung

Doyoung also has a habit to make up names for you

Like one day he'll call you babe/baby

The next day could be angel or princess

Then there's you who just calls him bunny because he hates (loves) it

Expect some random gifts from him

Cuz like Johnny, he likes to spoil you

he just loves the smile thats plastered on your face

Pinches your cheeks evey time you smile too

When you guys are just chilling in the dorms you are always doing something to make doyoung get "angry"

"Angry" doyoung is a fun doyoung

Says you and taeyong 🤭

Literally will chase you around the dorm until he gets you and "scolds you"

Hell also scold taeyong

Sometimes you prank him with the other members

*cough*haechan*cough*

But doyoung knows youre just being playful

So he kinda laughs at you

Yuta

Hes a devil

Wbk

He can go from calling you the cutest lil thang to saying the most inappropriate stuff

"U have such a pretty mouth"

"no stop"

"how about u use it on my-"

"OUT DEMON"

Besides that he's actually very nice

Although he doesn't really show his affection like how most couples would

At first hes kinda like a "cold boyfriend" but not?

Gives off a tsundere kinda vibe

He lives for pda

Especially if you initiate it

His favorite is kissing your neck

Not in a sexual way or trying to give you hickeys tho

He just comes over and kisses it

Probably has a neck kink 😳

Same 😌

When you guys are out in public his arm is always around your waist or shoulders

He gets easily jealous when you give anyone any attention

Especially if you have a pet

He will be pouty for God knows how long until you notice

"I'll make it up to you"

"ok then prove it *pats his lap*"

"...I can and will replace you with this animal"

Will not let a dude flirt with you

If he sees a dude flirt with you he just gives them ㄒ卄乇ㄥㄖㄖҜ

Lowkey hot

But sometimes gives you that look if u aren't listening to him

Its an advantage

Freaks you out tho

When your sitting on the couch minding your own damn business yuta always pulls you onto his lap or sits you between his legs

He really likes to be close to you

So when you guys are sitting he keeps his head on your shoulder and his arms wrapped around you gently rocking you both

Omg im making myself feel single

If you are sad yuta will always be the first person you lean on

Even if its not serious

"Who do I need to fuck up?"

"Im literally just on my period..."

The members sometimes tease him because they'd never seen him so in love

He looks at you like ur his everything

Because you are

He'll tell you that too

If you say something bad about urself he gives you a whole ass lecture about how u should love yourself the way he loves you

He'd be talking for 25 minutes but you stopped listening 30 minutes ago

Literally scolds you for not listening

Loves how well you get along with the members

But also hates how well you get along with specific members because of how similar you are with them

What I'm trying to say is that you are a bit too similar to mark🚶‍♂️

Jaehyun

Frat boy boyfriend

Lowkey wants to fuck everyday

Idk he gives off that vibe

But jaehyuns just chill half the time

Hes like an American boyfriend like bitch you're Korean 👁👄👁

Hes super cuddly and warm

Thats weird wait

Like when you're cold just snuggle into him because body heat <3

Always loosely has his arms around your waist when just laying down

Whole different story if you're sitting on his lap and just standing around

Back hugs😫😫

Dead ass the first thing he does if he sees you is give you a back hug

It works for a lot of things

Surprise? Back hug

You're cooking? Back hug

Horny? Back hug

Solves his life problems basically

Hes a freak omg

Very flirtatious too

Hes just that bitch

Either he makes you blush or roll your eyes

"Y/n you're ass is fat"

Def an ass guy😑

Hes the type of guy to put his hands in your jeans back pocket

Wait no im feeling jaehyun too much rn

BUT MY POINT STILL STANDS

Or when yall hug his hand doesn't rest on your back but your ass

If you're wearing some shorts or something that makes your but pop

Hes gonna smack it and pretend like nothing happened

Yo someone pls save me im in my jae feels

Nah I've been talking about his ass kink for too long

Ummmm

Okay for real though jaes actually really nice and kind of careless when it comes to you

Fuck everyone else, if you've fallen and scraped your knee hes gonna be that soccer mom and rip a band aid out of nowhere

But if one of his members scraped their knee he'd just look the other way and smile like nothing happened

Earlier I said he was chill but hes also loud too

You walk into the dorms and the first thing you hear is "Y/N!!" Wyd?

You swear he doesn't realize how loud he is half the time because of that deep voice

This bitch always makes sure youre healthy and tries to take you to the gym with him

It dont work cuz this bitch just stares at your ass

Nah I need to do the next member

Jungwoo

hes literally the cutest especially around you

When he greets you its basically a whole ass bear hug

Whole lots a kissing

Literally doesn't care where you guys are

He will kiss you anywhere

Loves to kiss your forehead because he doesn't have to bend down as much🤭

doesnt care if the members are there

Nobody ever questions it either

"youre my baby right?"

"jungwoo-"

"riGhT?"

"Yes...."

He does aegyo if he doesn't get his way

It works every time don't lie

Will probably sit on your lap for some reason

Hes not light

But if you can do it so can he

you guys never get into fights

Even if you do its never anything serious

"you fucking pushed me so u could win"

"false I accidentally bumped my arm into urs"

"whats accidental is the murder im going to commit"

"what?"

"What?"

Smh young love

Going shopping with jungwoo is like shopping with a kid

Will beg for any food he lays his eyes on

"Omg can we get cookies?🥺"

"only if your paying"

“*gently places cookie dough back* lmao cookies? Never heard of her"

No matter how tired the boy is he will always find time for you

Hell take you too your favorite restaurants and even if you insist on paying he wont let you

If you don't marry him I will

When you guys are walking in public he will always be holding your hand

Says its because he doesn't want you to get lost

But you know damn well its actually him who doesn't want to get lost😳

Jk you just know he wants to be close to you

If you make any suggestive joke he always knows how to counterpart it

Leaving you speechless like the members

When you guys are going to bed he has his arms wrapped around your waist

first thing jungwoo does before sleeping is giving you a kiss

Doesn't care if your asleep or awake

Then a quiet 𝐼 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢

Mark

i dont even know how to explain this relationship bruh

like its mark lee its gonna be a weird time

ok so marks actually hella nice

kinda bro or dude zones you but you do it back

theres a bunch of yo’s too

as someone who says yo a lot im happy i can relate to him

“yo youre doing that wrong though”

“dude im literally reading the directions, it said 3 cups of water”

“bro it says 3/4 oh my god”

yall cant cook

taeyong wont even allow even you to help him cook

anyway marks special

but seriously marks actually a very gentle person with you

like legit is super nice to you even if you sometimes piss him off

marks probablys only been mad at you once then was like ‘its okay’

go to his practices cuz he loves that shit

he really likes when you are social with the members too

cuz then you guys are all friends and he can just bring you to places with them :D

this kid will literally not to pda in front of any member so you have to basically force him to just hug you

johnnys always making fun of you two and mark panics everytime while youre just like ‘yeah what about it’

compliment mark and hes blushing and squealing like an anime girl

inch resting concept

“mark you look cute today”

“o-oh um..yeah thanks”

and this man can take compliments but with you its a whole new story

aight lemme get serious

marks mad sensitive

so dont actually purposely make him mad, jealous, or upset

it would crush him

and he doesnt want someone like that in a relationship

cuz if he doesnt purposely do it to you, dont do it to him

take notes

Haechan

hes a brat bye

would actually fight you just to get his way

makes fun of you on a regular

thinks hes cute

hes not wrong

but actually he knows how to act mature when he needs to

like if youre genuinly getting upset with him, he will straighten up and quicky apologize, even give you a phat kiss and hug

might take you to get ice cream after if he really upset you

he can be nice

nah jk hes very nice and is a really energetic boyfriend

haechan always wants to do something with you liek go to the amusement park, go out to eat, or go shopping

sometimes makes everything seem like a hassle to leave and go somewhere with you cuz hes either lazy or playing video games

“cant you just go by yourself?”

“but what if i get lost”

“the ice cream place is literally five miles away”

“actually its seven so im gonna get lost”

hed groan the whole time just to be annoying but you dont care cuz you got your ice cream

if you go to any concert or practice, haechan always has to make things more sexy than they should be

like ‘fool’ became hella sexual and for what

its probably one of his favorites to make you blush

he loves your reactions

keeps him alive

hyucks always got something to say even at the most awful times

youre literally choking on water and he goes “ill give you something to choke on later”

and you have to cancel your dying session to smack his head

my guy has no filter

and he wont even hide that around the members

theres always that smirk on his cute ass face if he succeeds too

i have the sudden urge to fight him

475 notes · View notes

lolib0nez · 15 days ago

Text

This was on private but i decided to put ti in public since this is a closed space and MY comfort space because this is linked to something i want to open up right now

I tried on a pretty white chinese style dress today and my... gummy bear mom complimented how skinny i got ever since i stayed in mny relatives house Earlier (the days when we first got here) she told me about how I should eat and that i should just eat one meal a day with not too much rice blah blah blah with no snacking inbetween blah blah blah

i didnt pay attention to that

shes fucking

fat

Im not being fatphobic in this circumstance dont get it wrong i love my mom but please shes literally 3 TIEM MY SIZE4, why would i take advice from a fat person about how to get skinny? like jsut because she knows how to become skinny doesnt mean ill follow what she says cuz like?? do i still have to elaborate??? I dont know and i cant explain very well why this trigerred me BUT I jsut hate the fact that my starving and self controll isnt credited, thats what i fucking hate like she actually thinks that ehr advice IS THE ONE TBHART HELPED ME LOSE WEIGHT?? WHEN SHES THE REASON WHY I NEVER LOST WEIGHT AT HOME CUZ SHE KEEPS MAKING SNACKS AND ALL THAT UNECESSARY FOOD THAT SHE MAKES FOR THE SAKE OF SATUIATING HER IRREGULAR CRAVINGS LIKE UUGHHHH STOP LETTING ME EAT THOSE, I FEEL LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE TO FOLLOW HER EATING HABITS EBNCAUSE IF I DONT I CAN SORT OF FEEL LIKE A PUNISHMENT OR A LECTURE COMING UP UUGHGHGHG

Notice how I LOST WEIGHT when she wasnt around? yeahhhhh. And she has the AUDACITY TO SAY "What i told you was right (eating only one meal a day wIthout snacking inbetween blah blah blah whatever the fuck it was), you got smaller" LIKE YEAH NO SHIT???? YOU WERE THE ONE THAT HELD ME BACK Also once she got in here (relatives house where im currently in) IVE BEEN EATING A LOT AND RESTRICTING LESS i swear to got she has something in her that just makes people want to eat- or maybe jUSt me- WHY DOES IT SEEM LIKE EVERY MOM HAS A THING FOR FEEDERISM?? I love my mom dont get me wrong shes the best but fuck i cant help but get and get mad over this because shes also trying to lose weight but she KEEPS ON COMNPLAINING ABOUT IT BUT NEEVR PUTS IN THE EFFORT LIKE URUGHGHGH ITS FUCKING ANNOYING AND DISGUSTING ME LIKE STOP TALKING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO LOSE WEIGHT WHEN YOU BINGE ON EVERY SMALL CRAVING YOU GET

Me watching mukbangs as an appetite suppressant knowing damn well my mom would water at the sight of the food makes me feel so uncomfortable

#i hate to say the feederism part BUT WHAT THEYRE DOING ID NOT FUCKING HELPING #I SWAER TO GOOODDDD WHY TF DO FAT BITCHES THINK THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL US WHAT TO DO WITH OUT BODY WHEN THEY LOOK LIKE THAT #also my mom is out of this hashtag section btw #i am NOT referribng to ym mom anymore #but fuck i cant help but get mad over this #im not gonna put any ed tags on this so i avoid public attention

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simpsiren · 4 years ago

Text

jaehyun x reader

description. A relationship with Jaehyun wasn’t always perfect. There wasn’t a definite label on it, which only sent the relationship down a complicated pathway as we tried to find the meaning of our love once again.

genre. ANGST, college!au, enemies(?) to lovers, dancer!reader x barista!jaehyun

word count. 7k~

warnings. toxic relationship, im so sorry i had to make jaehyun a bad boy here BUT IT HAS A GOOD ENDING I SWEAR

a/n. hihiii so this fic is basically based on using lyrics of a song to form a story and for mine ill be using boyfriend by ariana grande so hope youll enjoyy! please check out the other stories by the other authors here too!!

“I don't wanna be too much

But I don't wanna miss your touch

And you don't seem to give a fuck”

It’s been weeks. Weeks since I’ve talked to Jaehyun. Weeks since I’ve made any form of interaction with him. Weeks since I had his body close to mine.

He’s been ignoring me and yet I still can never guess why. I saw him walking out of his Psychology class today. I put my foot down, determined to settle on the decision that I just have to force it out of him instead of floating around mindlessly trying to dissect and figure out his weird attitude.

He walked down the hallway, bag lazily hung on one shoulder. He wore his black hoodie and grey sweatpants. His messy and unkept hair bouncing in the air with each step he took. It meant that he’s had a bad morning. I knew him long enough to know that if he doesn’t put effort into looking good then it meant that he wasn’t having any of it. I did think twice before approaching him. But he has left me in the dust for too long for me to handle.

“Jaehyun.” I said with a firm voice, running up to him and grabbing his arm tightly. He stopped in his tracks, his head turning slowly as his eyes trailed from my grip and to me. “What?” Jaehyun asked, sounding annoyed with his brows furrowed and narrowed eyes.

“What? That’s all you have to say?” I jerked my head forward, copying his same expression except that mine was intensified with how arrogant is What sounded. “Three fucking weeks. And that’s all you have to say?”

Jaehyun shook his arm to get off of my grip. Due to the force of his strength, I stumbled back slightly. He folded his arms, hands hugging his waist as he glanced down with a sigh and looked at me. “What do you want me to say?”

I scoffed loudly, running a hand filled with frustration through my hair. I adjusted my tote bag on my shoulder before standing firm and upright in my spot.

“An explanation on why the fuck you’re ignoring me would be nice, you know.” Jaehyun smacked his lips, almost in an awkward manner. But he kept silent for at least ten seconds, just staring down at me.

“I have nothing to explain.” Jaehyun finally let out dryly. But in a way it sounded like he was mad. My pupils flared. Rage was starting to build up in me while he kept up his nonchalant attitude. Jaehyun shoved his hands in his sweatpants and walked off. I would have stopped him, but I chose not to.

I didn’t want to annoy too much if I asked him again. All I wanted was to know why he kept ignoring me all this time. But it seemed like he didn’t care. Like he was able to erase me cleanly out of his life, ignoring me completely. He avoided my glances in class, he acted as if he didn’t hear anything when I called out to him and he’d walk past me casually as if nothing between us happened.

I stood there, staring at his back as his figure started to get smaller and further till he turned a corner and disappeared. I balled a fist in my hand, squeezing it so tight that my fingernails made an impression on my skin and having red marks on my palm.

To be honest, as much as I was mad at him, I missed him a whole lot more. I missed having his arms around me, I missed his whispers, I missed my fingers running through his soft locks. I missed his touch. I didn’t know I could be this touch-deprived till he ignored me. I walked back to my dorm, specifically Mark’s so that I could let off some steam.

“Wait like actually?” Mark shouted from the kitchen while he took out the large tub of strawberry ice cream and watermelon slices from the fridge.

I screamed into the pillow more, digging my face into it till I finally lifted my head up and took in a deep breath, turning my head sharply to Mark. “Yeah. Can you believe it?!” I shouted back, watching Mark bringing the desserts and taking a seat next to me. I shoved the pillow beside me and slumped into the couch with folded arms.

“I never thought he’d do something like that. He’s always been kind to me. And everyone.” Mark commented, picking up and watermelon slice and munching on it with a dreamy sigh. I huffed, grabbing the ice cream angrily and picking up the spoon, shoving it in forcefully to take a spoonful and eating it. “Not to me apparently.” I said with rolled eyes.

“We were completely fine before. I don’t know what happened and that’s what’s driving me insane!” I groaned out. After forcing Mark to get me ice cream, I thought my anger would subside at least a tiny bit. But having Jaehyun running circles in my mind has done it for me. Isn’t mind Jaehyun suppose to be the tired one here?

“Ah wait!” I alerted Mark, gaping my mouth open as I quickly turned my head to him. Mark does the same with raised brows. “Huh what? You know why he’s ignoring you?” Mark tilted his head and leaned in with curiosity.

I shook my head furiously, making Mark backed his head till his double chin showed. “Then what?”

“The dance assignment! Shit I forgot! Did you start?” I dropped the tub in my lap amd slapped Mark’s thigh vigorously, starting to get panicky as I remembered the assignment I’m suppose to pass up in a month’s time. Mark gave a half-shrug. “I’m doing solo for this one. Have you not started?”

“No! Urgh I can’t do solos. Is there anyone that wants a duet?” Mark puckered his lips, tilting his head up as he thought about it for a moment. “How about Taeyong?” He suggested. I looked at him with disbelief.

“Um hello? It’s Lee Taeyong. I’m pretty sure he’s doing solo. Even if he were to do a duet, all the girls would be fighting for the spot next to him.” I reached forward to pick up a watermelon slice and shoving it in my mouth despite the fact that I still had a little ice cream in my mouth.

“You never know. Just ask him next practice.” I let out a quiet ‘tsk’ I stared down at the table while I slowly chewed and swallowed all the food in my mouth. At least now I had something to do that can hopefully get my mind off Jaehyun.

“And I might not be the one for you

But you ain't about to have no boo.”

During dance theory in the lecture hall, I kept my eyes on Taeyong, who was sitting in the center a few rows lower than me. I rested my chin on the palm of my hand, head facing him and I pondered about how I can master up the courage to talk to him.

He’s the best dancer among all dance majors. From techniques to theory, he’s gotten perfect scores every time. It felt somewhat wrong for me to talk to someone of a high status like that. And of course his talent and visuals has had girls swooning over him for years.

I snapped back to reality when I reallse everyone started to pack and stand up from their seat. I blinked my eyes rapidly as I looked around before turning back to Taeyong, heaving a sigh as I notice him still standing there. I quickly packed up my things, slinging my tote bag on and rushing down the flight of stairs to where Taeyong was.

I was now standing in front of him, his bright red hair standing out while he kept his eyes on his things while packing up. “Taeyong?” I called out softly, bending forward. He finally lifted his head up. “Hi?” He asked, questionably.

“Um I was wondering what you’re planning to do for the assignment.” Taeyong glanced sideways before meeting my eyes. As I stared at him, I really now could see why all girls fall in love with him. I’ve never seem to notice since I’ve always been caught up with Jaehyun.

“Actually I’m-”

“It’s fine if you have another person to do duet with you. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of options and that’s totally fine I understand-”

“I didn’t even finish my sentence.” Taeyong cut me off with a light chuckle, a small smile forming on his face. He was so attractive. “Oh right sorry.” I blurted out, turning my head to the side and rubbing the back of my neck nervously.

“I was saying that I haven’t thought about what I wanted to do yet.” Taeyong stood up, holding his bag in his fingers with the handle. He was so close to me and I got extremely terrified with his height. Though the gap difference wasn’t much. I guess I’m just intimidated by his presence. “Mark recommended that we should team up.” I finally let out, forcing myself to not beat around the bush anymore to get this done and over with.

Taeyong’s smile got a whole lot brighter and bigger till his eyes form a thin line. “Sure! Been doing solos too much and you’re quite good.” I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Firstly, he said yes. Secondly, he noticed me dance before? I mean of course we saw everyone dancing but I never imagined Taeyong to actually look at me dances.

“Wait really?! Oh my God thank you! Um so do you have any classes after this?” I bounced on the ball of my feet excitedly, a smile unconsciously forming on my lips. Taeyong shook his head. “You want to start today?” I nodded my head eagerly.

“Alright. Let’s head to the dance studio. We only have one month left.”

Due to the limited time we had, it forced Taeyong and I to have dance practices almost everyday, particularly every night. We’d either use the dance studio and his own one out of campus that wasn’t far away. I started to bond with Taeyong more and more, realising how sweet and soft he was despite looking so intimidating at first. I liked the time I spent with Taeyong. He was able to make it fun for us even though we’d be laying on the floor dying by the end.

One practice, Taeyong and I just finished cleaning up our choreography that Taeyong was expertly able to come up by the third practice. It became normal for us to just lay down, arms and legs spread out on the floor as we stared up at the ceiling and let out loud and heavy breathing be heard.

That is, until my phone rang.

“You should get that.” Taeyong rolled over, his stomach on the floor while he kept his upper body up with the support of his elbows and forearm on the floor. I sighed, frowning. “I can’t be bothered to move.” The phone’s been ringing for minutes now.

Taeyong chuckled and stood up after taking in a deep breath, reaching his hand out to my bag and sliding me my phone. “Thanks.” I muttered as Taeyong sat down beside our bags to grab his drink.

I looked at the caller, instantly sitting up straight when I reallsed it’s Jaehyun. My sudden actions caused Taeyong to let out a, “Who’s calling?” I assumed he examined my shocked expression after asking that as I kept my eyes on the phone, Jaehyun’s name bolden on my screen.

I then remembered the fact that I blocked his contact a few months back and it had a time limit on it. And I guess the limit ended today.

“I’m picking up the call. And if I start screaming, you might want to run. Cause’ I’m about to get a lil bit psychotic.” Despite my warning, Taeyong let out a humorous laugh, nodding his head in response. “Alright, alright.” He said, waving his hand out lazily as a way to say, “Now go pick up the call.”

One click of a button and I brought my phone up to my ear, hearing Jaehyun’s heavy breathing. “Where the fuck are you?” His voice was low and deep, one filled with anger, but not the shouting kind. “I’m at a dance studio...?”

“Yeah and with who?” Jaehyun growled. I turned my head to the mirror, seeing Taeyong looking at my back. “With Taeyong. So what?” I questioned him, wanting to sound nonchalant.

Jaehyun scoffed in amusement. “At two in the morning?! You serious right now?!” His voice raised with each word, he was now screaming and I began to get scared. “How’s this your problem?! I’m practicing for my assignment with Taeyong. What the hell did you think I was doing!” I couldn’t help but shout back, wanting to fight and top his level of rage and anger. I had the right to be mad since he ignored me for so long. But for him to suddenly care about what I do and who I’m with? That wasn’t going to cut it for me.

“I don’t give a damn. I’m picking you up right now. Tell me your location.”

“No! We’re not done practicing!” I lied, groaning as I leaned forward and placed a hand on my forehead to cover my eyes.

“Practice another day-”

I didn’t notice Taeyong creeping up behind me, flinching when I felt his hand on my wrist, pulling my phone away from my ear. He snatched it out of my grip and held the phone to his ear. “You heard her. We’re still practicing. I don’t why you’re so worked up. But you can speak with her tomorrow. Have a good night now.” Taeyong sounded extremely professional, proceeding to end the call and handing my phone back.

“You didn’t have to...” Taeyong sat down beside me and sighed, the two of us now facing the mirror as we stared at ourselves. “I didn’t want you to go psychotic.” He joked, making me laugh slightly, though it hurt my core due to the physical training we did before actually practicing.

“Is that your boyfriend or something?” He sounded curious. I kept silent, looking up as I try to phrase who Jaehyun was to me. But I ended up with no answer. “I don’t know. We’re just... complicated.” I whispered. “Let’s not talk about Jaehyun. I’m getting sick of it.”

Absentmindedly, or perhaps not, I laid my head slowly onto Taeyong’s shoulder. He didn’t move and instead stayed there as comfortable silence filled the air, not giving a thought about our sweaty bodies touching each other.

Biology lecture ended. I was walking out of the hall when I thought of texting Taeyong to see if I could meet him for a short practice. I didn’t know why, I just wanted to see him and do anything with him, it didn’t have to be practicing.

Before I could even type a single letter, my wrist was suddenly being pulled back from behind, making me fall back a few steps till the grip guided me to stand. I looked up, seeing Jaehyun standing in front of me. Immediately, my eyes looked back at him filled with arrogance. “Why were you with Taeyong yesterday?” Jaehyun asked. Suddenly, his eyes grew soft and sweet. Which made me very surprised. It’s been long since I’ve seen the sweet side of Jaehyun before he ignored me. It made me feel something in my stomach indeed.

“I told you I had practice. I’m doing a duet with him for my assignment.” I said with a quiet sigh. Jaehyun ran a hand down his face, biting his lower lip as he looked away for a moment. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry... for getting worked up. I shouldn’t have since it’s for school.”

I clicked my tongue in amusement, smugly folding my arms and placing my weight on one leg. “An apology but no explanation? You’re an odd one Jaehyun...”

“We need to have a proper chat.” I tilted my head slightly at his weird words. Confused, but also nervous as to what he wanted to talk about.

We ended up going to his dorm. His roommate was out. We sat down on the couch together, his body leaning forward to reveal his back while I leaned back into the couch. There was a gap between us, which made me feel weird. The space in between was just... just there. And the fact that we used to cuddle on this couch made this more awkward.

“So?” I asked, my curiosity already killing me. Jaehyun let out a frustrated sigh. “I think we should just cut whatever we have completely.”

“What...?” I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t sure what to feel either. I could tell he was breaking down silently. I didn’t even need to look twice to confirm that. But I was breaking at his words as well, looking down to my lap amd biting my bottom lip. “Why?”

“I don’t know what we are,_____. Are we friends? Cause’ from the way we treat each other we’re definitely not. We aren’t in a relationship together either. We aren’t friends with benefits. We’re going back and forth and I’m sure you’re as tired about this as I am.”

As much as I wanted to deny, I couldn’t. Our relationship and what we were to each other was certainly not definite. It always confused me and put me in a tough spot. The way we treated one another was as if we’re in love. Maybe we were, or maybe we weren’t. Questions about us had always kept me up all night. And I guess it is right that we just cut it off completely.

“You’re right. I don’t see why we should be together. Or not. I don’t fucking know.” I stood up, making my way to the door. I had my hand on the doorknob. At that moment, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted everything to go back to normal. To when I would be in Jaehyun’s lap as we talked for hours, his turn table playing old school songs that I’ve never heard of but grew to like. To when we would go out together and do whatever we wanted till late at night. Basically back to when any of this confusion even happened.

“You still haven’t told me why you completely shut me out for three months straight though. It hurt me. You owe me an explanation soon. Goodbye, Jung Jaehyun.”

“I wanna kiss you, don't wanna miss you

But I can't be with you 'cause I got issues.”

Jaehyun could only seat there in silence, not sure of what to do now. His mind went blank the moment the door closed. He felt his phone vibrating in his back pocket. He leaned forward to take it out, proceeding to pick up the phone without even looking at the caller.

“Hey.” Jaehyun said plainly. He heard a few shuffling before someone comes up to the phone, their breathing could be heard. “Jae. I need to see you. Now. It’s urgent.” He recognised the familiar voice immediately.

“Soo? Why are you calling me?” Out of all the people that could’ve called him, she was the one that Jaehyun would least expect a call from. Let alone one that he wanted to hear from either. “A matter we can’t discuss on the phone. You know where to meet. In ten minutes.” The call quickly ended.

Jaehyun raised a brow at this. Many questions and possibilities popped up in his head. He quickly dashed out the dorm after grabbing his necessities, wanting to get this done and over with.

He waited by the park. A place that he and soo have had many memories. Ones that he wish to forget. But upon his visit to the park, of course they all had to come crashing back in his mind.

Soo came and motioned him to sit down on the bench that faced the lake. The dark sky being reflected on the lake’s surface as the cold breeze of the night touched their skin. “It’s about us.”

“There’s nothing between us.” Jaehyun was quick to reply, wishing he could just get out of this situation and think over about his other problems. Particularly the one about his complicated love life with a partner that he wasn’t even sure was his partner in the first place.

“Our parents are suspicious of us, Jae. You say that us not meeting anyone would solve it but if they don’t see us together-”

“It’s been three months do you think I wouldn’t realise it?” Jaehyun leaned forward and covered his face with both his hands, exhaling before lifting his head up back and looking at the scenery, hoping it’ll put him at ease even the slightest bit.

“You don’t want this. I don’t want this either. I have my own problems you know. I have someone I love.” Soo nodded her head, humming agreeably. “You’re right. We both don’t want this. But our parents do.”

Jaehyun groaned in annoyance, turning his head back to look at her. Soo blinked her eyes rapidly. She’s never seen him this mad before. “I know that way too damn well.” Jaehyun slapped his thighs and stood up, shoving his hands in his pocket and turning around swiftly to Soo.

“I don’t care what you do. You have a higher status than me and therefore you have a higher chance and authority for our parents to listen to you. Tell them I’m sorry but I really don’t want to be tied down to someone I don’t love.”

With that, Jaehyun stomped off, making his way back to the dorm. He immediately plopped himself onto his bed, sighing and he stared up the window. The couldn’t stop thinking about his lover. The fact that he couldn’t explain to her made his heart breal in every way possible.

He jusy wanted to be with her. But it was now his fault that she hates him now. And he’s not sure of what to do. The fact that he had to call off whatever they had couldn’t be anymore painful.

He wanted her with him right now. To have her presence right next to him. His arm wrapped around her as a way to protect her small figure from the world though he knew well enough that she was capable on her own. He wanted to plant light and sweet kisses filled with love all over her face. He wanted her touch of love that could send electric shocks throughout his body. He just missed her so.

“Even though you ain't mine, I promise the way we fight make me honestly feel like we just in love

'Cause baby, when push comes to shove.”

It’s been a few days since Jaehyun and I called it quits. And honestly, I was falling apart. I missed him a lot. It felt weird not having him around. It felt like back when he ignored me for three months. Except now the anger has disappeared, and all I craved for was his presence.

“The performance and assessment’s tomorrow. You ready?” Taeyong asked, breathing heavily as he walked to the speaker to stop the music. I squatted down on the floor, hugging my knees to catch my breath before gulping and nodding my head. “I’m surprised we managed to do this in a month despite our professor giving us four.” Taeyong nodded back agreeably.

“Let’s just hope we do well tomorrow then.” Taeyong walked back to me with his hands shoved in his pockets. I eyed him up and down taking the time to admire his outfit, which was simply just a tucked out loose white button under a muted blue waistcoat and black jeans and pointed shoes. The blue waistcoat was just to match his light blue hair that he dyed recently that suited him very well.

“Your outfit is simple, yet so pleasing.” I mumbled, my finger placed under my chin. Taeyong chuckled, taking one step closer to me. For some reason it made my heart race, the space between us got smaller and smaller unintentionally. “It’s probably because of my physique and natural features.”

Taeyong bent down to meet my eye level, tilting his head as he gave his cheeky eye smile that I got used to seeing very quickly. I ruffled his hair and laughed loudly. “Of course it is. You’ll definitely outshine me tomorrow.”

Taeyong slipped a hand around my waist, pulling me closer. This was definitely normal since our choreography included him doing this, but it made my face hot this time. “The purpose of a duet is to help each other shine together. I don’t think I’ll ever be outshining you.” Taeyong commented softlt with a gentl smile.

It was finally time for the performance. Everyone at the hall was seated, murmurs and chatters can be heard all over. Backstage, everyone was rushing to get ready. But I couldn’t help but peek at our professors and dance instructors that were about to grade us from behind the curtains.

“Nervous?” I heard Taeyong’s voice from behind me as he placed a gentle hand on my shoulder. I glanced back before taking in a deep breath. “We’re the fifth to go. Calm your nerves.” This time, he placed his other than on my other shoulder, proceeding to rub his hands up and down slowy and soothingly, which instantly calm me down. “I’m trying.” I whispered.

The two of us waited anxiously backstage as we counted the number of performers going up on stage. Now’s already the forth and we’re up next. Our names got called. Before we headed up on stage, Taeyong held my hand, interlocking his fingers with mine for a short moment before flashing me a smile and letting go, proceeding to walk forward as I followed behind.

The music played and we started to perform. The lights on the audience shined brightly and I could see everyone’s faces. Of course to calm myself down I kept my eyes straight ahead. Everything went as how it should. Taeyong and I danced perfectly in sync as if we were made to dance together. Taeyong had to lift me up for a few counts, holding me by the waist. And one glance to the audience and I instantly saw Jaehyun sitting somewhere in the middle, his eyes looking right at me. I was shocked but I had to continue.

We ended the performance with a deep bow. I smiled widely at the audience, but I avoided Jaehyun’s eyes completely. Taeyong and I walked off stage. “That’s was amazing! You did so well!” Taeyong shouted as he pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged back and laughed, panting heavily as I tried to catch me breath. “You were great too, Taeyong.”

Taeyong pulled away from me. And as we were about to walk to the changing room, I felt a hold on my wrist. A tight one. I turned around, noticing Jaehyun right in front of me. He looked over at Taeyong before me. He didn’t say a word and dragged me away. I glanced back at Taeyong, his worried eyes making me want to release my grip off Jaehyun but I knew I can never since he was way too strong.

“What the hell do you want?!” I shouted when we finally came to a stop at a secluded and somewhat dark corner. “I can’t see you dance with Taeyong. I got jealous.”

My eyes squinted at his words, completely confused and bewildered. My mouth gaped open as I let out a scoff. “Jealous? Why should you be? We aren’t anything anymore. What’s my relationship with Taeyong have anything to do with you?”

“I don’t like seeing you with him, okay? Didn’t you ever think about how I felt when you’re always staying up late with him for practice? Or did you even think about me at all?” I grew quiet, struggling to even form a sentence of what to say.

“I don’t like seeing you with any guy.”

“You aren’t my boyfriend. You don’t have any say in who I hang out with.”

It was now his turn to keep silent, avoiding my eyes completely as he looked elsewhere. “You aren’t mine. But don’t you think we had something between us at all? It drives me nuts whenever I think of you. I had my reasons for avoiding you, okay?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Sorry but I can’t handle any of this right now. I’m way too tired. Let’s talk some other time.”

With that, I walked off, trying to find Taeyong who just came out of the changing room with his outfit hung on his arm while he wore back his loose white tee and sweatpants. “You okay? I got worried.” Taeyong immediately rushed over to me and looked me up and down, concerned as to what happened just now.

“Yeah I am. I’ll go back to campus now. I just need some rest.”

Before taking a step, Taeyong stopped me. “Need a ride?” I shook my head.

“Thanks for the offer, but I much rather be on my own for now. I have too much on my mind.”

“I know we be so complicated

Lovin' you sometime drive me crazy

'Cause I can't have what I want and neither can you.”

I ended up staying late at night, staring off into the ceiling while hugging my cat plushie. And all I thought about was Jaehyun. I could never get him off my mind no matter how hard I tried to force myself to sleep. I could be staying up since I didn’t have classes the next day but my body was too physically tired. Yet my mental state seemed to be wide awake.

The next morning, I stayed in my dorm, pacing back and forth in circles as I figure out what to do. Suddenly, the door opened, making me flinch in shock as I realised it was just Mark. “You look stressed. You nervous about the results?”

“My mind is all over the place, Mark. Jaehyun’s driving me crazy and I just-” I grabbed my head with both my hands, letting out a loud groan and I plopped myself on my bed next to Mark.

“Won’t it be easier to just settle things with him?” I gave Mark and unimpressed look. “We did. We promised to not see each other again.” I let out a dreaded sigh. “But he came up to me yesterday and now all I can think about is him.”

Mark swung an arm around me, clearing his throat. “Then just tell him to back off. Now and forever. I can’t see my friend going crazy because of some frat boy.” I chuckled shaking my head. “He’s not a frat boy.”

“Sure acts like one.”

I hummed, giving a moment to think it over. “How can I meet him today though? He’s working.” Mark raised a brow, facepalming. “You know he has a thing called breaks, right?” Mark deadpanned. And just like that, I made my way to the cafe where Jaehyun supposedly worked the afternoon shift.

I walked in, the bell above the door ringing to signal that someone has entered. I didn’t see Jaehyun brewing the coffee. I walked up to the counter, seeing a familiar face and decided to ask him where Jaehyun was.

“Hey, Jeno?” I called out to him gently, watching pouring his ready made coffee into a small cup. He looked up, instantly smiling brightly when he made eye contact. “Hey! Haven’t seen you for so long! Looking for Jaehyun?” I nodded, gladly thankful that he read my mind.

“He went out somewhere for awhile. He’s coming back soon. Want to wait here while I serve you some caremel frappe?” I exhanged his smile with mine, nodding my head eagerly. “You know me well, Lee Jeno.” I tapped my hand on the counter before walking off, taking my usual seat at the far corner of the cafe that’s out of sight from public eyes. I used to sit here when I would wait for Jaehyun’s shift to end before walking back to campus. It felt weird coming back here after avoiding it for so long.

After a few minutes, Jeno brings me my drink. I thanked him as he backed away and I resumed my waiting. I checked the time on my phone. Thirty minutes have passed and he’s still not here. Each time the bell rang, I instantly lift my head up only to find that it wasn’t Jaehyun.

Heaving a sigh, I leaned forward, my shoulder raising up as I continued to stare at the entrance. Finally, I saw Jaehyun through the window, walking to the door. But... he’s with a girl?

The door opened and Jaehyun walked in, the girl close beside him. She was wearing Jaehyun’s hoodie too. The plain black that he often wears. I kept silent, wanting to see where all this was going. Why was I feeling something? I shouldn’t be... right? I have nothing to do with Jaehyun, let alone his love life. Wait why am I even assuming that they’re together?

Jaehyun went up to the counter. He turned around to look at the girl. They were smiling and laughing together, which made the knots in my stomach tighter and my heart began to ache at the sight. As cliche as it sounds, I muttered a, “That should be me.”

The girl took off his hoodie. She was wearing a shirt under it. It seemed like she wanted to give it back but Jaehyun insisted on her keeping it, continuously shoving the hoodie back and forth till she threw it at him, kissed him on the cheek and ran out the cafe laughing. I frowned. I really didn’t like how this was going.

Jeno went up to Jaehyun, motioning to where I was seated. I instantly looked out the window as if I didn’t even see Jaehyun coming in and was minding my business. I heard his heavy footsteps walking up to me, and he sat down, dragging the chair closer to the table. “You didn’t say you’d be here.”

I turned my head and faced forward to Jaehyun, picking up my drink to take a sip, nodding my head. “I didn’t.”

“Who was she?”

I couldn’t help but ask. I was too eager to know. Too eager for something to confirm my suspicions, closure. “A friend.” Jaehyun said after exhaling sharply.

My lips form a thin line, my brows raising for a moment as I gave a “You sure about that?” expression with a hum. Jaehyun stared at me for a moment. I couldn’t read his face. “She’s just like Taeyong. Someone I’m working with for a project.” He said with simple directness.

Anger started to settle in, the tension between us growing tighter and tighter with each moment of silence in the air. “Your project partner comes waltzing in wearing your hoodie and giving you a kiss on the cheek? Some partner there.” I replied with sarcasm, nodding my head over and over.

Jaehyun cocked a brow, the side of his lips turning up slightly as he leaned forward, so close that our faces were a mere inch away from each other. “Now you’re jealous? That’s cute.” He chuckled lowly.

I blinked my eyes rapidly. Is he really going to do this right now? Despite me blushing slightly at him calling me cute. I couldn’t shake the fact that he was probably trying to get back at me and making me feel how be felt when I was with Taeyong.

“Why can’t I? You were jealous when I was with Taeyong too.” I blurted out, not sure if that was the right thing to say.

“You aren’t my girlfriend, and I’m not your boyfriend. But we can’t see each other with anyone else, or touch anyone else. We can’t have who we want either. Make an inference. Connection, hidden meaning.”

“Don’t bring the method to answering History questions into this.” I couldn’t help but laugh softly at his attempt to joke. I knew very well right now wasn’t the time, but I just missed it.

“Stress high when the trust low

Bad vibes, where'd the fun go?

Try to open up and love more.”

“Don’t you miss it?” Jaehyun asked, his face getting soft and gentle. He reached his hand out to mine, holding my finger with a light touch. Our eyes went down in unison, staring as our hands fit perfectly together.

“We’re complicated, indeed. We aren’t sure of who we are. And we don’t even know the reason for that. But doesn’t it all come down to whether we love each other...?” Jaehyun lowered his voice to a whisper, pur noses were now touching as I gulped, closing my eyes for a moment as I inhaled his naturally strong scent that not even his perfume could mask.

“I guess...” I started, breathing heavily. “I guess we’re just scared. I don’t know about you, but I can somewhat admit that I’m scared.”

“It’s been years, Jaehyun. Years since we’ve showed affection for each other yet we never seemed to get anywhere. But I liked it nonetheless. Despite the fact that we were just... stagnant.” I smacked my lips. “Or not perhaps I’d call it going back and forth.”

At that moment, I thought of us. Jaehyun and I. Years ago. When we first started. I met him here, at the cafe. I got addicted to him from first sight and I’d make it a mental note to visit him everyday and demand that only he should make and serve my orders. That’s how we grew close. Not on campus, but out. We kept our relationship like a little secret. But that was only for the fun of it; for excitement and thrill. I liked that about us. Being alone and only having each other. Turning back time was what I always wished I could do.

“I love you, _____. I missed us. When we were just happy. I guess this all started when I ignored you. I’m sorry for that. And you know I mean it.” Jaehyun couldn’t keep his eyes on me. He constantly looked down or avoided my gaze. He bit his lip intensely, as if trying to hold back tears.

“But if you would let me, I’ll explain it over dinner.” Jaehyun gulped, breathing in as his chest puffed up. I wasn’t quite sure of what to make of this. But in the end, my main goal was to settle this, on a good note. Whether I’d be with Jaehyun in the end or not. I just needed closure.

“Sure.”

Jaehyun offered to meet me at a high end restaurant. Somewhere I’ve never been in years since I was just like any regular college student. Poor.

I didn’t know what to wear. And I guess my outfit seemed to lower itself a lot when I stepped into the restaurant. I glazed my eyes over the place, spotting Jaehyun at the far end wearing his usual all black shirt, jeans, and shoes. A combination that never failed to cup his masculine body perfectly.

“You didn’t have to take me to somewhere this expensive.” I said, sitting down. Jaehyun smiled softly in greeting. “It’s only slightly above average.” He commented.

We ordered our food. It was taking quite awhile to come. “Um.. I suppose I should be giving that um explanation to you now.” Jaehyun spoke up, his hands on the table with his fingers interlocking with each other. I nodded my head, pushing the glass of iced water that was served to us earlier on, bringing it in front of me and leaning forward to take a sip.

“My parents want me and Soo, the girl you saw at the cafe to get together. I honestly didn’t even know why. And I never cared either.” Jaehyun lowered his head, fidgeting his fingers. “And just so you know, I never had feelings for Soo. She has someone else. The two of us agreed that we’d still maintain our private lifes and not let it interfere us.”

I bit my lower lip. I could tell he was telling the truth, that he was being sincere. It made my heart soften. But I didn’t want to show it. I didn’t want to seem easy and to just fall for him all over again just from a simple explanation.

“Are you going to do anything to fight back against your parents about it?” I asked, not wanting to say silent throughout.

“I simply told Soo to do something about it since she would have more influence on them than me.” Jaehyun leaned in, again his hand creept up on mine. He held my hand in his, bringing it up slowly and planting a light kiss on my fingertips. A gesture that I only ever knew would feel this amazing because its him. He was the only person I’ve met to have such a gentlemanly feature.

“Can we slowly... get back to how we were? I know it’s my fault. I know you won’t forgive me immediately. Do whatever you want with me. Whatever decision you choose, I’ll just have to accept it.” Jaehyun whispered, his voice growing quiet with each word as he looked down to my hand and caressed it with his thumb. I could still feel his kiss lingering on the tips of my fingers.

I brought my hand up to his chin, lifting his head up and eyes off the table, forcing him to look me in the eye. I leaned in and kissed his cheek, letting my lips stay there for a long moment before pulling away. I could see Jaehyun smiling slightly at my touch. He thought he could cover it up with a cough, making me giggle softly.

“I’m not forgiving you just yet. But I do admit that I missed how we were two years back.”

297 notes · View notes

literaila · 4 years ago

Text

this little secret of mine

spencer reid x reader

request: Can I request a fic Reid x Reader where the reader has a chronic illness (Im having a flare up an I'm emotional, and having surgery Friday lol) and just kinda anything you feel around that, that the first conversation about it, insecurity whatever you feel, I love angst as well so feel free to load it with that x

a/n: i’m so sorry if there is any incorrect information. i tried to do my very best with research, but i will admit it might not be as accurate as it seems. if theres anything that needs to be changed just let me know.

warning: mentions of blood, needles, fainting, chronic pain, drugs, shit writing, a little angsty, and fighting

It was supposed to be a secret.

She hadn't mentioned anything during her interview.

And she still hadn't.

Because it was meant to be a secret, one that none of them had to find out about. It was just supposed to be a secret.

But when everything in your body was aching with every breath, with every blink you made, when you felt like you were on fire at just the thought of standing up, of just getting up, when that was happening, secrets were hard to keep.

That didn't mean Y/N said anything.

She felt extremely exhausted. Like fatigue was a stalker following her, refusing to leave her side at any given moment.

There was no prison you could lock fatigue in.

Sometimes, she could barely keep her eyes open, could barely think enough to remember to breathe. Sometimes, it was too much.

She never said anything.

But there were signs, little things she always did when it was worse when the pain was so unbelievably intense, there were little things she just couldn't keep hidden.

Like the headaches, the constant medication she was taking for them, the moments where she felt like her head was going to break open because of the stabbing pain hidden behind her eyes. There was the slow way she always got up, the wince on her face when she moved, the slow and deliberate movements she couldn't go without. There was the pain that seemed to last for hours after she simply knocked her knee against her desk.

And those were just the things she couldn't keep a secret. The signs that didn't go unnoticed.

Everyone else always seemed to notice.

There were constant questions of “are you okay?” that came her way and made her wonder if one of them knew if one of them had finally found out, the constant questions that always turned out to be false alarms.

Sometimes one of them looked at her weird, sometimes she noticed the extra confusion in their gazes when they watched her stand up, or noticed her taking pain medication for the third time that day.

She was very fortunate all of them seemed to understand that she didn't want to talk about it. She was very lucky that she had such great friends.

She was very lucky no one knew.

No one knew.

It was only getting harder.

As Y/N felt her joints getting stiffer, felt her headaches become longer, felt the fatigue weighing her down, as she felt her body start to collapse under itself, she knew that the secret would have to end.

But she didn't want it to. It wasn't fair that she couldn't have this one thing, that she had to deal with this every day.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair that she had to hide behind a brave face.

It wasn't fair that she had to cancel.

She had to cancel.

It had been two years. Two insane years of no one knowing, of no one saying anything about the pain that rattled her body, it had been two years with the team, two years getting to know them, two years and she had gotten so close to all of them.

It had been two years with Spencer.

They were having their first date.

He had asked her out on a date.

After two years. Two years of looking across the room for him, of wrapping her arms around his neck when he was sitting at his desk, two years of being surprised by every magic trick he’d pulled out to impress her, two years of getting him coffee and a sweet, two years of sitting next to him on the plane so she could stare at him longer, two years of staring at him hopelessly.

She’d been in love with him, and his caring way of looking at things, and the knowledge he kept stored up in his brain. She’d been in love with him so for long it felt like a lifetime. But never had she expected him to ask her out on a date, she figured if ever, she would break and ask him.

But she hadn't.

And he had.

It had been two years.

And he’d asked her out on a date.

“According to relationship experts, you should wait two months before asking someone out,” Spencer said.

They were sitting in a tiny cafe, both enjoying a cup of coffee. It was their day off, and like most days off, they were spending it together. They’d developed a habit of driving around and going to new places together.

Y/N was sipping on her coffee thinking about where to go next when Spencer suddenly spoke up. She looked up at him confused. “What?” she asked, her eyes wide, her cup of coffee stilled her in her hand as she waited for him to continue, as he usually did.

“No- I mean- It's socially acceptable to broach the subject of dating after two months, but actually in most cases, it happens sooner… it really depends on how much time you spend with that person and-” he stopped, pausing his hands that had been gesturing in front of him as he stared at Y/N.

“What?” she repeated. Spencer stayed silent, his eyes were darting around the room, and he seemed to be lost in thought. After a few moments, Y/N tried again. “Spencer? Why’d you bring this up?”

Spencer shook his head and looked back into her eyes, seeming to be pulled out of his gaze at her words.

“I think I waited too long,” he said.

“Too long for what?” Y/N asked, still not getting the point.

“To ask you out.” Y/N’s heart jumped at the words, her body exploding at the surprise she felt surge through her. “We spend almost every day together. And it's been two years.” Spencer continued a small smile on his face at the memory.

Y/N sat there, her coffee still in her hand, staring at him.

“I’m hoping it's not too late?” Spencer asked, still looking at her with now bright eyes.

Y/N just stared at him.

He frowned.

And she laughed.

She laughed at him and nodded her head, bringing her coffee up to her lips.

And he smiled.

“You’ll go out with me?” he asked, his eyes bright again, dimples popping up on his cheeks.

And she nodded again.

And now she was stuck in a daze. Her pain was chipping at her, keeping her from getting off the couch, she barely had the energy to breathe, barely had the energy to do anything except stare at her ceiling.

She wished it would go away.

She didn't want to tell him. She didn't want him to know, she didn't want his pity, didn't want to have the conversation, she didn't want any of it.

She was going to have to cancel.

She couldn't force herself to get up, which meant it would be impossible for her to get ready, impossible to sit in a restaurant and pretend to smile and pretend that just picking up her fork didn't make her want to scream out in agony.

She hated this. She hated all of it.

She felt like crying, like curling up and sobbing until she couldn't hear anything else except for the silence in her mind. She felt like spilling some tears for the miserable state she was in, but she didn't think she could move, she didn't think she had the energy to even close her eyes.

She had to call him.

She had to call and tell him, tell him that she couldn't go, that she was sick, that she thought it was the flu, that she had to cancel on their first date, that she couldn't go.

She wanted to scream.

It took multiple moments of deep breaths, of reminding herself she could do this, it took extra motivation to grab her phone on the coffee table next to her. She felt useless, felt like she was some fragile thing that wasn't to be bothered with.

She wanted to text him. Wanted to avoid the sound of his voice, the disappointment she could already hear, she wanted to just get the words out and not have to talk to him.

She didn't think she could move her fingers enough to text him.

Her phone rang, and she waited for him to answer.

The phone clicked and she heard a quiet “Helloo?”

If she didn't feel like she was going to pass out she would’ve laughed.

“Spencer?” she said, quiet and slow. She felt already out of breath at just the one word.

“Y/N? Is there something wrong?”

And at that moment she wanted to tell him, she wanted him to come over and hold her close and cuddle her until she could finally fall asleep. She wanted him to be with her, and she wanted to listen to his voice, and she just wanted to feel better.

She swallowed and then began to explain. “I don't think I can come… tonight.” Her jaw felt tight at the words, and no matter how hard she was trying she couldn't relax her face.

“Oh.”

Just one word. Just enough to make her feel horrible.

She took a deep breath and urged herself to continue. “I.. don't feel... So good.”

Just speaking was exhausting her, just breathing was causing her chest to tighten up, she hoped she would fall asleep soon.

“Are you alright? What's going on?” he asked urgently, and Y/N could hear him stop whatever he was doing in the background.

What was going on? What could she say to him?

“I…” she gasped in the air that was pushing on her chest “caught something.”

Spencer didn't say anything so she continued, “I’m sorry… Spencer.”

And that was all she could say. Exhaustion took over, and she didn't hear anything else before she closed her eyes.

At least asleep she wouldn't feel guilty.

She was still sleeping when Spencer walked into her apartment.

She hadn't heard him knocking on the door, too deep in her exhaustion to notice anything.

And Spencer was worried. He was always worried about her, worried she would get hurt, get herself hurt, was always worried that something would happen to her, to the girl he loved. But it was different this time, she hadn't even stayed on the phone long enough to tell him what had happened.

He couldn't just leave it at that.

He had to make sure that she was alright, that nothing bad had happened in the time between the silence over the phone and Spencer showing up at her apartment.

He had knocked, knocked, and called her name, but when she hadn't answered he felt himself become more worried, even sick Y/N could’ve called out to him. So he used the key she’d given him, telling him that someday he might need it, and he walked into her apartment.

What he hadn't expected was to see her sleeping on the couch, find, but pale with dark circles under her eyes.

She looked especially drained.

A tiny part of him was glad that she wasn't just trying to get out of their date, that she didn't just not want to go, but the other part of him was still immensely worried, and his brain immediately started racking up the things that she could be sick with.

He let her sleep some more. Listening to her labored breathing, watching her chest rise and fall as he thought of which viruses were going around.

She had sounded terrible on the phone.

He walked around her small apartment for a little while, thinking about her, worrying about her, just waiting for her to wake up.

Eventually, he got impatient. She seemed to be getting more restless with every minute that went by, and Spencer couldn't stand the frown on her face, so he gently shook her awake.

She opened her eyes and immediately closed in on herself.

Her body was fighting, attacking itself, the different nerves were running all around reminding her of all the pain she was feeling, she was in so much pain. She curled into herself, the pain enclosing on her chest and her back. She was frozen trying to hold herself together.

Spencer moved away, worried that he had hurt her.

She was gasping, out of breath now, and Spencer was standing there watching her. She hadn't even noticed him.

Sleep hadn't helped her, the fatigue still hadn't left her alone, and now her body was on fire as if it was fighting a war against itself. She didn't have anything she could do, there was no medication she had that was strong enough to fight against pain like this. Emotions were clouding her head, and she begged them to go away, she didn't have the energy to fight them off. She could barely move.

And Spencer was standing next to her shocked, worried, and very confused at the girl in front of him. This seemed way more intense than a virus.

“Y/N?” he asked softly, bending down on his knees so he was closer to her face.

And she noticed him. And the pain was collapsing her.

What would she say what would she say-

She just wanted to keep her secret.

She wanted the one secret she had.

She gasped out.

Why couldn't she just control this?

“Y/N? What's wrong? What hurts?” Spencer asked, quietly as not to disturb her, but she could hear the concern in his voice, could feel the questions he wanted to ask, could feel buckets of worry pouring out of him.

The pain was insistent.

She tried to breathe again, reminded herself of her grounding techniques, of the coping skills she had learned after years of pain. She took deep breaths and tried to remind herself that she was in control of how she reacted.

It was working.

Just a little bit.

She finally had the energy to move from her position, tilting her head so she could look at Spencer, so she could beg for another minute, just one more minute to get herself together.

She hoped he understood.

She kept breathing.

And finally, she could listen.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, his eyes were less worried now, but Y/N knew he wouldn't leave without an answer, a complete answer.

The secret was out.

Y/N shook her head. She just shook her head, and she felt so tired, and she could still feel her body stinging as if it was being pricked at, and her head was aching, and her eyes were drooping, and she was so tired.

All she wanted was to feel good.

Why couldn't she feel good?

“What's going on Y/N? This isn't a virus.” He said patiently as he could see the pain on her face. He didn't want to rush her, he didn't want her to be anymore strained than she already looked. But she seemed so sick. He had to do something.

She just shook her head, squeezing her eyes tight at the pain that came with it. Spencer looked at her and frowned, she clenched her fists together in an effort to try to keep the pain at bay.

“Okay...okay…” Spencer said, and he went to lift her so that she wouldn't have to move, he picked her up and sat down on the couch with her, he sat down with Y/N who looked so much like glass at that moment Spencer was afraid to hurt her.

Luckily enough, him moving her hadn't sent another rage-induced war over her body, and she felt herself relax into his shoulder, felt comforted by the warm feel of his body, by the hand rubbing her back, by the smell that was so familiar.

“Are you ready to talk yet?” Spencer asked.

Y/N kept her eyes shut, trying to avoid making her headache any worse, but she could still tell that Spencer was frowning again, and while all she wanted to do was relax, she knew that she owed him some sort of explanation.

“I-” she gasped at the pain that was stuck in her chest, she hadn't expected talking to make her heart start burning. Spencer quickly brought his hand to her cheek, moving her head so she would look at him, so he could make sure she was still okay. She opened her eyes to look at him and the words got caught in her throat. How much more pain could she endure before it was too much?

“I’m just-” this time it wasn't the pain that stopped her, it was the confession she was about to make. The secret she was going to tell him. “I can't-”

Spencer rubbed his thumb over her cheek, waiting for her to continue, but when he saw her eyes again he could tell that she couldn't go on, he could see the wall stopping her from saying what she had to say.

“Y/N. It's okay. It’ll be alright.” he reassured, hoping they were the right words to say.

“I can't,” she said again, desperate this time.

“I can tell you in pain…I can see it in your eyes. Nothing bad is going to happen. I only want to help. It's okay Y/N.”

And then she took a deep breath.

And she told him.

***

It was worse this time.

And better.

And worse.

This time, at least Spencer knew what was going on, at least he understood to the extent he could, at least he knew her breaking points.

But it was worse. It was so much worse.

She’d been working, working a lot, working a lot more than she ever had before, she’d been working and working hard. It was too much.

The pain was too much.

She’d been overdoing it. It was something she’d always tried to avoid, always tried to keep away from her. She’d been warned about it when the pain had started, warned that while some working was okay, even good for her, that too much working could cause more pain, even more, intense pain.

She’d been warned.

She hadn't listened though.

She seemed to be wrapped up in her job, in the hours that she spent saving other people's lives, she seemed to be wrapped up in it all.

And she was always with Spencer when she wasn't working. She was always enjoying her time with her boyfriend, she was never sleeping when she was with him.

She’d been over-doing it.

But she couldn't stop, she couldn't just give it up now, she couldn't just avoid the work because she didn't feel good. She was going to have to deal with the repercussions that came with the decisions she had made.

She didn't have a choice.

She never had a choice.

This was so much worse.

And it was technically still a secret.

Even though Spencer had found out two months ago when she’d had a bad flare up and had no other way to explain to him but the truth, the rest of the team hadn't. Y/N had made Spencer promise that he wouldn't say anything to anyone. She didn't want Hotch to find out, she didn't want him to make changes to her job, to keep her behind because of the illness holding her back. She didn't want that. And she didn't want the pity, and the babying that would happen if the others knew.

It was bad enough that her boyfriend knew.

He was especially protective of her now.

No one else knew.

And that was good, it kept her from worrying too much about it, helped her keep up the distraction of work without one of her teammates asking if she was okay, it helped her stay on topic rather than focusing on the pain. It was a good secret. It was one she wanted to keep as long as she possibly could.

But it was getting worse.

It was almost too much.

Needles were pricking at her joints, pulling at her joints, keeping her tied down wherever she was sitting, they were keeping her still at any given moment. Her back was burning and sore, and she could do anything about it because if she moved every bone in her body would sting with the burn of needles. Her headache had become a constant in her day, and the pain medication she always kept with her had been getting emptier with every day that passed.

She’d noticed the looks Spencer had been giving her, noticed the furrow in his brows every time she offered to do anything that didn't involve sitting. She ignored them, focused on the job she had committed to.

Every once and a while, Spencer tried to pull her away, tried to get her to settle down, and just talk to him, and every time he tried to do it, every time he looked like he was about to say something to her, she was busy.

She managed to be busy.

And now she had to go save a life.

James Thomas was murdering couples, he was murdering people and the team had to stop him. There was no time for pain.

Emily had to go in as bait, it was clear from the moment they got there and James was sitting silently at the bar. Emily needed to be a distraction, to lure him away from all those innocent people around him.

Y/N was covering her.

She watched with her gun in her pocket on the other side of the bar as Emily approached him, she noticed the slight change in her body language, the flirty smile she had put on, she wasn't worried about Emily. Her friend was smart enough to know what she was doing.

And Y/N was smart enough to ignore the pain in her hands and her back, she was smart enough to pretend it wasn't there.

She watched as James looked over at Emily curiously, as he looked her up and down, she watched as Emily moved closer to him, leaning in so close Y/N wondered if she was going to kiss him. She watched as James got more interested in the conversation.

She looked over to Hotch and saw him nod at her. It was fine, everything was fine, they just had to wait a little bit longer.

Just a little bit longer.

Y/N kept her eyes on Emily as James turned completely toward her, she kept her hand on her gun and her other on the drink she didn't care about. She watched as Emily suddenly lost her smile, as she shrunk back only a little, she looked over to Hotch and he gave her the okay.

It was time to get him out of there.

She saw him reach into his jacket for something.

She saw Emily tense her hand.

And there was a gunshot.

It surprised Y/N at first, but when she opened her eyes she saw Emily standing up straight staring at James, and she saw James down on the floor, covered in blood.

She rushed over to them, she quickly patted down James, grabbing the gun from his coat pocket and giving it to the police officer behind her. She patted down the rest of his body, making her he didn't have any more weapons, and she helped him stand up, taking most of his weight in her arms as he couldn't stand with the bullet wound in his chest.

She looked up at Emily to make sure she was okay. Emily nodded at her, and she walked out with James.

And then it was silent. And then she could feel the seconds passing by, could feel the messages her nerves were sending to her brain, could feel everything happening inside her body, she could feel everything.

There was so much pain, there was so much pain, there was so so so so much pain.

She was being stabbed, over and over, relentlessly, everywhere on her body, she was being stabbed over and over and over, and she couldn't breathe, couldn't understand what was happening because it wasn't supposed to hurt this much, it was never supposed to hurt this much.

It had never hurt this much.

She could feel her body freeze and could feel herself take one more step, one more step out the door, just barely out of the building, before she collapsed, dropping James with her and swaying toward the ground.

She was supposed to have control, it was never supposed to hurt this much, it was never ever supposed to be like this-

And she could feel herself moan as she hit the ground, could feel her joints scream at the pain of being moved so much, she could feel the blood rushing to her head, and could feel her back still on fire like it had been for the past week.

She still didn't know why it hurt so much.

She’d never had a flare-up this bad.

She wasn't supposed to fall because of the pain.

It was supposed to be manageable.

She didn't realize she had screamed until she felt hands on her until someone was shaking her and trying to get her to stand up, she didn't understand.

She felt someone pick her up.

And then it was too much, it was finally too much, too much for her mind, for her body, too much everything.

It was too much.

And she fainted.

She woke up in an office.

It was void of people and smelled distinctly like men's cologne.

She tried to move her head but the pain was blinding.

She heard a voice next to her.

“You’re up,” Spencer said as he closed the door to the office, holding a bottle of water and a bottle of pain meds.

She looked at him thankfully.

And then she stretched her jaw so it wasn't as stiff, and asked him why she was there.

He explained how she had passed out at the scene. He told her how he’d made sure to take her back somewhere she could rest, instead of taking her to the hospital as the rest of the team was insisting. He told her that he hadn't told them anything, just that he needed to make sure she was okay.

He handed her the bottle of water with a frown on his face, while she sipped the water, he opened the bottle of meds and pulled out two pills and handed them to her.

She smiled at him with her mouth closed, as he watched her take them.

It was silent for a moment after that before either of them spoke.

“Spencer-”

“I don't want you doing that again,” he said firmly. His voice was like stone and his face was unwavering.

Y/N looked at him shocked. He’d never looked so harsh before, at least not with her, she was surprised by his reaction, but she was even more surprised that when she looked over to the clock it said she had slept for six hours.

Six hours.

That explained the bad taste in her mouth.

“Spencer I don't think that's fair-” she started to say before Spencer interrupted.

“No Y/N. I won't let you do that to yourself, I don't want you in pain every day.”

Something about his tone was making her angry.

“Spencer it was just a flare-up, they happen sometimes. I can't control them,” she said, and now her eyes were hard and staring at him.

He didn't understand. He could research it for hours, could learn every piece of information there was out there. But he would never know. He would never understand the pain, the strength it took to deal with pain like that every day. He wouldn't understand the sacrifices she had to make sometimes. He just didn't understand.

“Y/N, this wasn't random. You’ve been working yourself down to the bone. You haven't stopped working in weeks. And it's wearing you down, I can practically see you deteriorating.” His voice got louder with every word that he spoke.

“Spencer this is my job. I’m not going to stop just because of a little pain.” She said shaking her head, staring at her, her face not breaking.

Spencer sighed and moved away from the couch she had slept on. He just wanted her to understand, wanted her to see that if the positions were switched she would be insisting he took it easy too. It hurt him to see her in pain, to see her falling apart every time she moved. Why couldn't she understand that?

“Y/N, it's not a little pain,” he said pacing around the room, no longer looking at her. “I can tell how much it hurts you. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to be out on the scene today.”

Y/N could feel the concern, the worry, radiating from his body. She could see that he was fighting with himself, trying to figure out something to say. But she wasn't going to budge on this.

“Spencer, this is my job. This is who I am.” She said every word clearly, but her body was shaking, and her head was aching.

“Even right now! You’re still in pain. You were asleep for six hours and you’re still in pain! Can't you see that this isn't okay?” he was whispering, yelling, but he was upset with her now. He was upset with her not caring about her own well-being, upset that she thought her job was worth more than her health.

She closed her eyes tightly, willing the pain to go away before she spoke again. “Spencer, I can't just sit and live around and have nothing and be in pain all day. This job is good for me. I can't just be a brick that never moves because I don't want to feel bad. I refuse to live like that.” she was getting more and more worked up with every word, and she could feel the tears stinging at her eyes, reminding her that she could still cry. She moved her hand in front of her face, not wanting Spencer to look at her.

Spencer went over to her and sat down next to her. He just stared at her for a moment. Watched as she tried to blink the tears away, as she tried to will them away with just her thoughts. He could tell how much she was fighting, trying not to be vulnerable around him. He could see how much it hurt, how much energy it took just to do that.

“Y/N,” he said, moving her hand away from her face so that he could see her again. He gently intertwined their fingers, reminding her that he was still there. “You can cry. It's okay to cry,” he said softly, more caring than he had been since she’d woken up.

And the glass in her eyes broke. It broke open, shattering the windows in her eyes, letting the tears pour from the broken pieces. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried, couldn't remember the last time she’d had enough energy to cry.

She didn't want Spencer to see.

But he was sliding on the couch next to her, laying down and pulling her into his chest, he was rocking her back and forth slowly, remembering that she was still in pain, that too much movement would make her joints attack again. He was holding her, letting her cry.

She felt like a child, but Spencer holding her was helping, it was keeping the pain a distance away from her, too far away from her to hurt her as much as it had been.

She hadn't cried in so long.

Spencer rocked with her, as she mumbled words against his chest, as his hands ran through her hair.

The pain medication seemed to be helping.

“Y/N… I just want you to give yourself some room to breathe,” he whispered after a couple of minutes after the cracks in her eyes had started to mend themselves.

She looked up at him and frowned. She didn't want to take a break, she didn't want anyone to know that she needed a break. She didn't need a break. She didn't.

“I don't want to,” she mumbled childishly, as she looked away from him. She was pouting now, and she knew that she wasn't going to win this battle.

“It's okay to need a break Y/N. Everyone does. You have an unfair disadvantage. You deserve a break sometimes.”

She shook her head.

“It's not fair, “ she said quieter than before. The cracks were breaking again, and she was crying against his chest. He held her tighter. “It's just not fair,” she said again desperately.

“I know,” he said as he kissed her head, as he made her aware that he was there, that he understood. “I know.”

And they were curled up together. If anyone had looked in the window they would’ve seen a boy and a girl, both sad, both angry, but together and so desperately connected. They would have seen a boy and a girl, together, and in love.

Spencer was quiet again, and he listened to Y/N’s stuttered breathing, listened as she took deep breaths, and felt as her chest stopped going up and down frantically. She was finally starting to calm down, to breathe with Spencer, to calm down against his chest.

She sniffled and looked up at him, her neck hurting, not because of the pain this time.

“I’ll try to take it easy,” she said, memorizing the way his eyes lit up.

“You will?” he said excitedly, as she imagined a little kid would. She laughed at him, as he pecked her lips and held her tighter once again.

“Yes.” she murmured, breathing in his scent, finally relaxed in his arms.

It was strange that he could make her feel so peaceful in just a couple of minutes. Strange that although she had been crying only a short time ago, that she felt safe with him.

“I love you.” she finally said.

And he pulled away from her just a little bit, just so he could look at her face, into her eyes.

Neither of them had said it before. Both of them had thought it, thought it over and over in the two years they had known each other. Both of them had felt it, pounding in their chest, breaking them down. They’d both thought it, both felt it, but neither of them had said it.

Spencer was saving it for something special.

But she’d just said it.

She loved him.

She looked up at him, hoping that the look on his face would be good.

And it was.

He was smiling, his eyes were lit up in hope and wonder, and the smile lines on his face were breathtaking. He was smiling so wide.

She blushed and moved her head back down to his chest. He laughed at her, and Spencer wondered if he would ever be able to stop smiling after hearing that.

“Are you sure that isn't just the drugs?” he asked, hoping he could look back in her eyes.

And she giggled against him, and then looked up shaking her head.

He smiled even more, and she copied him.

“In that case,” he said, kissing her forehead “I love you.”

“You do?” she asked, still smiling at him, forgetting about the pain, about everything, when she looked in his eyes.

“I do,” he confirmed, moving his hand to her cheek, stroking her face with his thumb. “I really do.”

She smiled and forgot everything. She smiled at him, and she sat in the warmth of his words, in the happiness of his smile.

Maybe Spencer was her pain medication.

my masterlist here

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manchesterau · 4 years ago

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my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)

okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.

im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point.

the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).

next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.

Tom:

I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore).

I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.

anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-'

tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).

i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll).

i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).

To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.

Marion:

😑

i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....

To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....

this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)

listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed

all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.

she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****

Patrick:

PATRICKKKKK

Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).

There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.

I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.

I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal).

Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.

Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):

Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY

Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end)

Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.

tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared.

overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....

there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).

the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.

thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!

can’t*

#*#my policeman #godd this book...i cant wait for the movie #mp

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networkunsupported · 1 year ago

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WAIIITTTTT I FORGOT TO TALK ABT THESE GUYS. SORRY. OKAY. HOLD ON.

so. dude on the left is a person called az. this is pronounced "Azz", like "as", and not A.Z. to rhyme with "daisy". very important to remember.

azs pronouns are whatever makes you wrong to the greatest extent. she/her them? sorry it's he/him. "oh my mistake sir" "actually i use they/them". and so on. generally they/them is acceptable which is what im gonna use rn.

so az is, as you might guess- bit of an asshole. most of the time, they just want left alone. trouble is- shit don't work like that, buddy.

for every annoying or infuriating person az meets in life, about three equally annoying and infuriating ghosts gravitate to them in exchange. that's the thing- forgot to mention major plot point number a- az can see ghosts.

az has been able to see ghosts for as pretty much as long as they remember. only under some specific circumstances, though.

with ghosts, it's more like... theres this element of ghosts wanting to be seen by people making them the reason they get seen- not any medium supernatural powers possessed by the people themselves. and something about az just draws ghosts in. like yep, that's who i want to talk to. that guy. right there. go figure.

major plot point number b- az is missing their right arm. well, half of it. the half that normally goes from elbow to fingertips, which is, admittedly, an easier part to be missing entirely than the bit that goes from shoulder to elbow.

this was lost in an incident when they were very young about seven??? haven't worked out my timelines completely. shhh. which was part of a pretty devastating kind of series of events that their childhood best friend (who was called mina) did not survive the aftermath of :(.

az doesn't remember most of what happened, though they've since been filled in on the details by their parents. they know they were young and the things that happened to mina were not exactly preventable, but they still miss her :((

anyway yep they're an archeology student who's just moved into a small town near the basis of their latest whole excavation shebang type thing. surprise: their house is haunted. actually surprising: the surrounding woods are very very occupied.

which is where my gal comes into this! she is very definitely a gal- az she/hers her most of the time in recognition, unless they're pissed, in which case they use it/its. she has had...many names over the course of her existence, and even more over the course of like- two paragraphs of story. she's known as mina aka not-mina aka nima aka juniper aka daisy aka belle (though usually nima so ill stick with that)

she mostly hangs out in the woods surrounding the towns churchyard-cemetry type thing, which is where she first meets az! and then they become friends :) by which i mean she keeps trying to take their name and they keep telling her to fuck off.

she does wind up taking minas name at one point though and boy they are not pleased abt that one. they make up abt it though! eventually.

the relationship between an asshole (they're a softie really, i assure you. deep down. very deep down.) archeology student and a lovely innocent nice stranger they found in the cemetery one time (not a fae. totally. oh no. trust her with your name!!! shes very trustworthy!!!!) is something that is already so special to me

#TWITLING MY HAIR AROUND MY FINGER theyre so silly :) theyre so very silly thank you for giving me the chance to ramble #ohhhh theres so much more to this story #everything ranging from actual plot points to boy oh boy i am sittingn on this minor twist wirth glee and playign the long game abt it #muahahahahahaha. mUAHAHAHAHAHA.#sorry sorry yes sorry #ill think abt more things i wanna say abt them in .3 of a second just you wait

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tomdiddlyumptious · 4 years ago

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Tom Holland x zendaya cousin reader where she’s an actress and model /activist she meets Tom on set and reader and z talk about people forcing them to be in competition with each other and people saying z is better because she’s lighter ( colorism) and reader thinks Tom likes white blondes but nope (spoiler ) z Tom and reader start hanging out besides being on set Tom and reader get close they go out to a party and reader and Tom hookup smut (like rough👀)

OOP-

Warnings: SMUT- It wasn’t soft ik that, zaddy kink just for a bit, speaking Spanish on accident because I know how to speak it, and uh crippled walking? Overstimulation, squirt and shit (DONT TAKE THE SHIT LITTERALLY) and language of course ✨

Summary: REEEEEEEEEE-

A/n: god my life is so tragic, and yes I love pink guy 🤺GET BACK🤺 GET BACK I SAY 🤺 this isn’t in bold or anything because I was working on this for toooo long honestly it was requested a while ago, sorry about that!

T.H| I Seen all your exes, I know what you like

You walked after zendaya into the set, your hair into a ponytail, edges laid, you recently got yourself a nose peircing (I just wanted to) you dressed in a large oversized white sweater and some black sweat pants, normal black air forces, you were tired because school was kicking your ass, like forereal.

“Hey Tom!” Zendaya smiled, walking faster to him and hugging him tightly. “Hey z” he smiles back, squeezing her a bit. “This is my uh, cousin, y/n” Zendaya smiled at you and you yawned again, covering your mouth but waving at him, which he gave a tight lipped smile and let out a “hey, how are you” “tired. Bored. Emotionally numb. Mixed feelings, over caked up-“ “haha, I think he gets it” Zendaya cut you off with a wide smile. “Are you playing in the movie?” Tom asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t think so” you shrugged. “She’s the real life MJ, don’t mind her, but we are gonna like go now, bye-Tom!” She pulled your arm until you found her trailer.

“What’s up with you!” Zendaya asked as she put her hands on her hips, watching you sit down on her bed. “I HATE SCHOOOOOOL” you complained, throwing your head on her bed as you tried not to cry. “You aren’t crying right now, y/n please don’t” Zendaya rolled her eyes.

“They expect me to know this shit! I barely even know what 2+2 is!” You lifted your head as tears left your eyes, crying. “Y/n, what’s 2+2?” She asked. “Fourrrr” you whined, still crying. “It’s social distance, like cheat or something!” Zendaya said as she mentally started to cackle watching your cry, you sucked your tears up in an instant, acting like you were perfectly fine and took out your laptop...only to cry again.

“I HATE SCHOOOOOOOOLLLL, WHY OUT OF EVERYONE I HAVE TO DO ITTTTTT!” you slapped the computer, zendaya couldn’t take it, she laughed at you. “AND YOUR LAUGHINGGG, IM IN AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS RIGHT KNOW” she started cackling, gasping for air as tears ran down your face. “BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” “ZENDAYAAAAAA-“ your voice cracked, coughing on your spit as she just kept laughing, she was on the floor now, holding her stomach.

As you let out a broken scream the door opened, revealing Tom worried, but his face turns confused. “Do I want to know?” He gently asked. “Get outttttt” you whined pointing at the door. Tom smiled and nodded his head, closing the door. You wiped your tears away, sniffling like a child as zendaya just watched, a grin plastered in her face. “Shut up zendaya- I’m hurt” you said petty, crossing your arms as she let out a ‘pffft’ and continued to laugh.

It was about 2 days later, you felt better with jacobs help, he can really do math.

You sat in the chair sighing as you looked at your phone. “Fucking Enews, I’m gonna kill them one day” zendaya groaned, plopping herself in the chair next to you. “What happened?” You asked, the only ones in the room, it was like a hangout spot or something, hard to explain use your imagination

“They like to put us against each other and it’s toxic” zendaya hands you the phone, showing you on tone left and her on the right and “zendaya vs y/n” you only cringe at it “they want people to vote?” You asked and she nodded, you voted for yourself and handed her back the phone. “Forget you” she rolled her eyes, “nope if anything I’m winning” you shrug laughing at her while she tries to snatch your phone.

“It’s only fair!” She said, grabbing your phone and somehow knowing your code, standing up and running with your phone “JUST DONT TYPE IN X!” You yell, chasing her. “Oh I’m typing in x” she whispered, now joining where everyone else was, it was to fast to tell who but you seen Tom, you ran past him and his screen showed a model, blond but you couldn’t see anything else. Your mind was racing as you went full on devil an crybaby running, once you chased her she threw herself on the couch, sighing and laying your phone on her stomach.

“Fuck you” you whispered and she laughed, you grabbed your phone and saw “you voted for me!” You gasped. “What! No I didn’t!” She said, immediately sitting up and raising her eyebrows at you, you showed her your phone, laughing in her face as you tried to do the dougie. “Oh so you wanna get competitive?” She asked, crossing her arms. “I mean I’m in the lead” you shrugged. “Whoever loses has to buy lunch!” Zendaya said, standing up and running past you back to where everyone else was, you followed her while she said “VOTE ZENDAYA!” you shouted your own name and told people to vote you and they didn’t understand until they all got a notification.

Everyone voted and you sat next to Tom, begging him to tell you who he chose. “No y/n I won’t tell you” he smiled. “Pleaseeee!” You clasped your hands together giving him the best puppy eyes you could, he glared at you and showed you his phone. “I give up” on the screen it showed “you haven’t even voted yet!” You said, about to tap your name until he pulled his phone back. “Nope”

The rally went on for hours, it went from zendaya to you, to you to zendaya, zendaya was in the lead by point two percent. “THOMAS VOTE!” Laura shouted. “Alright alright!” He said, he heasitantly tapped a name, he chose it on purpose of course and it was nice for him to be the last person to vote.

Everyone’s phoned dinged by Enews. “ILL TELL EVERYONE!” Samuel shouted, everyone sat in seats watched him, phones turned off. This was absolutely giant for you and zendaya, this was a playful competition so don’t worry about putting each other down.

“The person who won is.....” he added suspense on everyone, aching for the answer already. He sighed and cleared his throat, then swallowed.

....

.....

Almost there!

.......it’s

Oop-

“The winner is y/n!” Everyone who voted for you cheered while everyone who voted for zendaya booed. You and zendaya both laughed together, giving each other a hug. “You owe me pizza” she only shrugged and agreed. “Wait...who did Tom vote?” Jacob asked, everyone now eyeing him, his eyes went wide. “You’ll never know” he only said. “Tell us! The game is over!” “Tell us!” Was chanted as his face started to turn a bit red. “ALRIGHT! I VOTED-“

who did he vote? Idk

Oof

This is a long ass story

Not anywhere near finished yet so stick with me here

I LOVE YOU KRITI

“Y/N” everyone cheered and congratulated you, zendaya asking if you wanted to go get the pizza now, you agreed and asked anyone else if they wanted to go, Jacob and Tom said yeah and you all went, you ordered a noarmal pizza and bought zendaya one to, you really didn’t want to take her money, Tom scrolled through the comments of the Enews post and saw how many people actually didn’t like you which is absolute bullshit, comments about your skin and how you act, his blood was slightly boiling, it isn’t right because they don’t even know you, who gives them the right to talk shit about you?

As the days passed you and Thomas hung out a lot, went to dinner a couple times whiteout anyone else, then had lunch, went shopping, you guys just did a lot of shit together which was cute, you guys got matching socks, shirts, jeans, hair clips and hats, calling your selves idiots and thing number one and number two, you, Tom, daya, haz, and Harry went mountain climbing and that was the worst thing you’ve ever done in your life, you held toms hand so tight, wore a parachute just in case you see a bear and need to jump off, you were just all over the place.

“Do you wanna go to a party with me?” Tom asked in his dressing room, watching you eat your Cheerios with extra sugar as you raise a single eyebrow at him “depends “ you shrugged, setting down the bowl as you laid on his bed. “I think it’s like a house party, one of my friends asked to come, I don’t know” he shrugged and sat down at the end of the bed looking at you. “Then alright yeah, I have nothing else to do tonight” he smiles and lays down infront of you and you put your hand on his waist listening to his small breathes.

It was the day of the party and you weren’t so big on it. You dressed in some baggy jeans and a long sleeeve with a slicked back ponytail and some vans, your hair in a slicked in a ponytail and some long eyelashes with lip gloss, you said you’d meet him there because it took you hours If someone was waiting on you, strange but also very true.

You sighed and rolled your eyes with your hands on the steering wheels, trying to find a parking space but it was packed. “Why does this man have so many freinds? ISNT this only a house party?” You muttered, finally finding a parking spot, pretty close. Tom had called you and told you he was waiting at the door when you had just parked, he knew what your car looked like so when he found it he smiled and it made him slightly over excited.

“Hey babe” he smiled and you returned with “hey love” you both exchanged with tight hugs and he took your hand and pulled you in, the first thing that met your nose was sweat and achol. You silently cringed as Tom tried to contain his laughs, pulling you to the kitchen and to the counter, you could barely jump so he helped you up. “Hungry?” He asked. “Any waffles?!” You said and he chuckled, walking over to the fridge and opening the freezer as his smile got brighter, he took the package and threw it at you, which you catches and bit your lip.

The music boomed through the walls, he got you both a beer and ended up burning the waffles “Y/N!” “IM SORRY!” He quickly shut it, going over to the sink and opening the window, the breeze string so he sighed in relief and walked over to you giving you a strong high-five making you hiss “sorry!” He adorably said with made you smile at him, you both made your way upstairs, grabbing a couple beer bottles on the way.

“So” he said, looking at his bottle. “So?” You asked looking at him confused. “How’ve ya been?” He asked, achol in both of your systems as you shrugged. “Happy with you here” “that’s cute y/n” he laughed, setting down the bottle and looking at you. “So are you like not bored?” “We can like watch something?” “Like what?” “The backyardagains?” He looked at you confused, “a child’s show?” “Hey it’s more interesting then alone or whatever you like to watch” “why don’t we like watch porn hub or something?” “That’s wierder then what I said, but I mean..-“ “backyardagains it is” he put his lips in a tight manner, he tried to find the remote on the night stand but it was on your side, luckily there was on demand so you didn’t have to pay for anything.

you both watched the show, him smiling at laughing at you as you mocked the words. “You must had watched this a million times to know what their saying” he chuckled. “Hey don’t judge me, beer?” You asked grabbing one, when he said yeah you added another and handed it to him. You guys got closer, his hand on your waist while you head was on your chest, which shifted to his hand on your ass when you were all the way on top of him, platonically, but when you both looked at each other he pulled in and kissed you roughly, you batted your eyes at him and sat up, setting your beer aside as he did the same, he took his hand and put it on your neck, tugging you down to kiss him.

You slowly rocking your hips on his member feeling it grow as he let out distant groans, his hand stayed comfterbly on your neck, not squeezing to tight but just right. “Do you wanna?” He asked against your lips and you only nodded. “Say it” he said, rubbing his nose against yours. “I want to” “you want to what baby girl?” “I want to have sex with you” “you can be naughtier than that” he bit your bottom lip, pulling it back with him and letting it go, making eye contact with you.

“I want you to fuck me tommy” you kept your hips moving as he let out a hoarse chuckle “that’s my good girl” he squeezed your throat and you whimpered, he released your neck and made his way down your stomach to the button of your pants, his other hand made its way to your cheek, taking it slow and taking everything in as his small lips were against your plump ones, he undid your pants and they were looser then before, so he climbed down and found-

“Lace?” He whispered against your lips, “thong? Naughty girl” your stomach reeked with butterflies as a pool was comfterbly inbeteeen your legs, he pulled the material back and let it go your back arching as you let out a “shit”. You could feel his hard on against you as you were eager to take off your clothes and just give it all to him. He finally came to where you wanted him, he swirled your pearl before digging in your wetness and pumping it “Tommy” you whimpered, bucking your hips into his hand. “Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you” he licked your bottom lip before having it enter your mouth, you basically fucked his hand as he lowered down, finding you sweet spot instantly which only instensed the pleasure. You put your head in his shoulder as you pulled down the rest of your pants, lifting each leg to get them off.

He took his hand out of you which made you whine but he shushed you and made you sit up, looking at the white thong and how it squeezed your skin, he lifted the long sleeve, up and over you head to find you not wearing a bra. “Fucking hell y/n, your so perfect” he smiled, taking a boob in his hand while you lifted your hips to work on his pants,he bucked his hips up slightly so you could pull them down, and it stood, you bit your lip and you looked down and seen the outline of his thick member, seeing a small spot of precum leaking through his underwear. “You gonna stare?” He chuckled, you let out a sorry and pulled down the boxers revealing his member, it sprung up to his lower stomach and you bit your lip, he was above average by like two inches but he was also so...large.

“It’s pretty Tommy” you complement which leaves him smiling. “I’ll be prettier once it’s in you” he knew you were just pooling by his words, you both didn’t want to waste anytime so he pulled the thong to the side, sliding his finger through your heat leaving your hips stuttering slightly, “you ready?” You nodded at him and let out a yeah, he took his member and pumped himself a few times before entering you with a groan.

“Fuck y/n your so tight” you softly came down on him, you being on top and holding onto the head board for support as you lifted your hips and ripped them again “mmmm” you moaned, your head tilting back as he watched comfterbly, seeing you in control. You went faster the bed making noise as whimpers left your lips, his hand came up to your waist and held tight, biting his lip as he watched your boobs bounce infront of his face (ew sex 🤢 don’t know her)

He groaned and let out a fuck, moaning at his name as he sat up, looking up at your face and how your beautiful moans leave your lips. “You like that y/n, you like riding me?” He asked, slightly breathing heavy, he messed with the hem on your thong before taking both of his hands to rip it off. “Mhm, you owe me a thong” he sucked hickeys on the pad of your skin, or where ever he could. You rolled your hips, tired of bouncing as your breath was heavy, making eye contact with his darken, lust filled eyes, he didn’t heasitate to kiss your lips, shoving his tongue in your mouth and fighting for dominance, which of course he won, his hands came down to open your legs, fucking himself into you as you whined. “Fuck baby” he groaned when your hands were on his shoulders, clawing them as he hisses in pain but also in pleasure, his hands are tight on your legs which felt so good to you, hearing the clapping noises as you bucked your hips.

“Tommy you feel so good” you moaned, “yeah? My cock wrapped around your tight little pussy, so warm and wet for who?” “For you” your head tilted back, opening your legs more as you begged for more, which he gave to you, he flipped you both over making him on top, he went as fast as he could, your eyes rolling to the back of your head as you choked on your moans “t-Tommy!” “You like that baby?” He asked. ��Like it when I fuck into your tight pussy, where you can barely speak, when I bust you fucking open?” “Please please please”

“Please what? Be a good girl and take daddies dick yeah?” When you bucked your hips he laid a slap on your ass, your back arching as you cried and open your legs as open as possible, your chest pressed up against his, he used the head board to pound harder into you, groaning as each thrust, yours moans where high pitched “I’m gonna-“ you swallowed. “Cum? Hold it for me, I’ll tell you when you get it to cum” “your in so deep I don’t know-“ “just try’n hold it” he felt his climax building up. “Please tom can I cum?” You let out a rough high pitched moan, really putting your throat in it, he smiled and moaned at your face, then looked down and seen the way he pounded into you so freely, his cock glistening with your wetness, he took his hand and rubbing your clit messy. “To much Tommy!” You basically screamed.

“Take it for me” your back came off the mattress as your face scrunched, you cum blasting right out of you. “joder joder joder joder, papi me haces correr tan fuerte, dios me haces sentir tan bien! joder papi si, papi si papi si papi si!” You cried, which instantly made him cum right after you. “Fuckkkk” he rode it out, his hand still on your clit, your chest stuttered as your hand went to his wrist latching onto it as he keep swirling around your clit, eager to make you cum again. You were so dazed you couldn’t think straight the pleasure over powering you as you were sure you just peed yourself, “Thomas!” You shrieked

He pulled out. “I could do that all day” he muttered, rolling over to the other side as you both panted, he looked over at you and noticed how you weren’t speaking, “what’s up?” You looked over at him and replied with “I don’t think I’ll be able to walk” he laughed and the door soon opened. “Party is fücking over” his friend said, looking at both of you while your bodies were fully naked, he didn’t care he just wanted you both out, the theme song of the backyardagains playing as he shut the door which left you both laughing, he secretly kept the ripped thong and put it in his pocket of his jeans.

“You spoke Spanish to me, y/n” he laughed as you shook your head no. “Stop that’s so embarasinggg!” You groan and cover your ears. “You called me daddy, I don’t know the rest” “I probably did speak Spanish to you, but I didn’t call you daddy, I couldn’t have” “oh no you called me daddy alright, it was fucking gorgeous, I couldn’t help but cum” “shut up!” You both were walking down the street... well you crippled as he held your hand drinking a slurpii that you got form 711. “How will zendaya feel?” He asked you and you shrugged. “I will tell her soon” “and how you spoke fluent Spanish to me? I bet no one has ever fucked you that good huh?” “THOMAS!”

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland x black!reader #tom holland fanfic #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut #tom holland au

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