#i mean i feel like he's not even sharing whatever the band account is posting etc. ?????

[theflyingfeeling]

so does anyone else think Olli forgot his phone in Finland or

[tamelee]

Hi Tamelee!! 💕

You know, I really love your headcanons about Naruto and Sasuke. So I wanted to ask, what kind of music would they listen to, in your opinion? Do they play any instrument themselves? Are they even interested in music?

Anyway, I hope you’re doing good and that you’re taking care of yourself! Your art is amazing, and it’s great to see how your drawing style is evolving. I send you a lot of love (*˘︶˘*).｡.:*♡

Hi @fille-de-skroa dear!! 💕 Oh I love this so much!! 🥹

LONG(!) AU!HEADCANON POST! 🎶 (With pics & music)

NARUTO ☀

So, in a Naruto&Sasuke-are-into-music!AU, I've always kinda headcanon'd Naruto as a singer. As a young, neglected boy he loved grabbing people's attention by joining rock/punk-bands and talent shows as much as possible as he wanted people to hear him. And nothing is as loud as his voice. (Or the orange in his clothing..)

It became a way for him to scream out his dissatisfaction toward that very same audience, people who criticized him, but because he did it in such a rebellious way he wasn't very liked nor very good yet either. Despite him feeling it was an unfair assessment back then and having the need to scream even louder, he understood that he needed practice. Never mind the annoying black-haired bassist he shared a stage with, that constantly egged him on about how much of a dumbass Naruto was while he played his instrument flawlessly. Oh, that did it! He was going to show him regardless of the situation!! But.. he tripped over a cable while he went to kick his ass DURING a performance and accidentally kissed the dude.. of course everyone saw and people were filming... The bassists' fans made Naruto's life a living hell. It seemed like he was loved by everyone, so Naruto made him a rival out of envy (and not because the kiss got him curious, shh!) instead of befriending him as he actually wanted to.. and improved ever since because secretly he wanted to impress this guy the most for some reason.

He did find himself enjoying the punk/rock scene and the lyrics from the music as well as writing his own helped him get through tough times tremendously. Because of it Naruto journals through voice recordings.

Naruto, as much as he can and as often as he can makes noises. Whether it is by tapping his foot, utensils, humming a tune or even talking to himself- anything to overcompensate the fact that he grew up in an environment where he felt much too lonely. No noise scares him, solitude does too and even this weird thought of him abandoning himself as many have done to him and his vision for the future- so he talks.. and talks.. and talks, then hopes one day someone will listen.

After this phase he toned it down a little because he found a mentor who was a master of 'Kabuki'. (Traditional Japanese theatre.) He never would've thought to do this on his own, yet practiced this for 2.5 years which helped him a lot to calm down, put his energy into practicing his dancing skills, social developments, musical instruments, but most of all his voice!

As someone who can't stand being alone, doesn't like quiet places, he'd listen to a lot of music. He most definitely has a premium Spotify account and makes all sorts of playlists for himself but also for Sasuke whom he later gets in a relationship with, trips, certain travels together, places-

they all get their own playlists because it is sorta nostalgic when those songs remind him of that time.

He loves to "set moods" whatever that means, in an extra effort to enhance him being romantic or help Sasuke relax whenever he's stressed about something. It often earns him an eye-roll but when he doesn't look, Sasuke smiles softly about it anyway because he does appreciate it. In that sense, Naruto's efforts, although sometimes a lot to take when you're not good at accepting your own vulnerability- it's helpful. It feels warm. Especially when Naruto is experimenting with new tracks or ballads he's writing through his laptop and small keyboard which is attached to it. He doesn't play any other instruments otherwise even though he did play the Taiko drums during his 'Kabuki'-years-

- he creates his music digitally now, writes songs and charmed his way through the industry with both his friendly, easy-going nature and his talents. Artists/musicians love to work together with him. Despite his energetic nature, I can see his music being surprisingly mellow and full with emotion. He's musically gifted but had to work extremely hard in order to get where he's at especially because of people's initial presumptions. His skill required much effort.

Sasuke notices that he's often the topic of Naruto's songs and that his music is an outlet for perhaps frustration/conflict, things Naruto finds hard to say to him directly. Sometimes it is difficult for him to be honest with himself or uses vague analogies, gets too embarrassed or brushes it off before it is fully resolved, but with music he can't hide how he feels and it is something they both came to accept. Admittedly it took them a while.

Love by Nathan Wagner

Most of the time though, Naruto hums out happy tunes. And when I say "most of time" I mean, most of the time, you can't miss him when he's around as there is always some sort of noise coming out of his mouth, hence why Naruto and Sasuke luckily live in an apartment where Sasuke created his own space in a separate room where he can have time for himself when needed. You can have a healthy relationship all you want, but some people need time for themselves to harvest energy. Naruto harvests a few small plants/herbs and enjoys to be outdoors most of the time anyway so when they don't spend time together, through the balcony- nature and the people below enjoy the tunes he's humming or as he's showering he'll belt out songs as loud as he can. Often, Sasuke joins him to shut him up if it's too early, though, that doesn't necessarily work, iykwim. Then, Sasuke doesn't mind. The neighbors do. They move to a bigger house where land surrounds them, Naruto can have a real garden and Sasuke has more peace. It's a win-win for everyone until Naruto decides to learn to play the Taiko drums again and insists on playing together because he created a song about 9 different beasts- or something?

Sasuke suggested a different place to practice instead of 'home' and Naruto understood luckily. After a few weeks, as Naruto was shirtless, humming happy tunes to his herbs under the scorching sun, Sasuke couldn't help but appreciate the extra defined muscles that formed because of the Taiko drums.

Naruto at some point has a successful singing career, a few hit singles, 7 albums, did tours, but ultimately decided to become and stay a songwriter who easily gets inspired from his environment, the people he meets and his lover, his most important person:

SASUKE ☾

The Uchiha family would be well-known in the music-industry and the pressure of doing/performing well was a lot of responsibility for Sasuke even at a young age. It resulted in his father scolding him for the tiniest mistakes and errors that not even teachers could pick up on. Worse, his brother in his parent's eyes was perfect, seen as a prodigy and could not just play one instrument at a professional level at the age of 13, but three.

When Sasuke reached that age he was able to play two. The Shinobue Flute for which he often played impressive solo's during high-class performances-

-and the bass guitar. The latter he always kept a secret from his family as it was an instrument associated with music and lyricism that wasn't very appreciated by the rest of the members as it lacked tradition and manners (according to them), although he suspected that his brother knew. Of course he did. And so, his parents, although loving and supportive at the time, held an aura of disappointment surrounding them as they thought Sasuke could only play the Shinobue Flute while at night he was absolutely killing it on stage in front of many people and a crowd of his own fans- uh, screaming fan-girls, with his self-made band called: Taka.

(Yes I just Headcanon'd Band Taka as TFK 😆 let me live please, cuz lyrics..! No? Okay, well-) When Suigetsu got over-hydrated which resulted in water intoxication and was hospitalized for it, Taka was in desperate need for a new singer as they needed to perform in a few days. Naruto, a foul-mouthed kid around Sasuke's age whom already had some experience was available. (See previous TFK song in Naruto's part.) He didn't think Naruto was bad nor very good, but he had potential with some practice, however, no way he was going to tell him that. His behavior at the time was a little off-putting, let alone having the dumbass stumble over cables during the performance and land on his face which resulted in... a kiss... what was that all about anyway!? Naturally, Taka didn't ask Naruto to perform with them anymore.

Sasuke started to miss him somewhat although he didn't really understand why. Maybe Naruto's goofy behavior and indirect warmth lingered a bit too long, bickering with the guy strangely was.. fun. It was almost too easy, unique even, but regardless, Sasuke had goals on his own and needed to focus.

Taka disbands. Eventually I can see Sasuke start to associate trauma with his instruments. He enjoyed playing the Shinobue Flute and genuinely wanted to get better and better at it, surpassing his brother, but didn't see a point now that he's missing and his parents passed away. The soft melodies of the flute don't sound peaceful at all, it somehow screeches through his ears like nails on a chalkboard and there is a false sense of guilt surrounding his bass guitar that he always hid from his family. Logically he knows that whatever happened to them isn't his fault, but he can't play without feeling bad. He can't shake it off no matter what he tells himself.

Contrasting Naruto, Sasuke's world goes quiet.

I can actually see Sasuke enjoy silence more than him putting on music like Naruto who'd be walking around with headphones or EarPods. It is possible that there is more reason to it, perhaps lyrics, instead of it being a source of distraction/entertainment- can be more often than not- triggering. As Sasuke ventures out into new interests I can imagine him at times listening to instrumental pieces that feel like he's going on a new journey, someplace else. Either Lo-Fi like JazzyCal, piano/violin (Dark Academia style) or something with a foreign language that he doesn't understand so the lyrics won't affect him but sounds nice anyway.

But as Naruto and Sasuke find each other, slowly Sasuke starts to warm up again to a world that holds all sorts of melodies and is a lot more colorful. This doesn't come without fear or insecurities as one day Sasuke holds the obnoxious brightly colored hoodie which somehow smells like safety, comfort... and grass, that Naruto left in his bedroom after a stupid argument that frankly was just a misunderstanding rooted from both their trauma.

In fact, he wants nothing to do with his own instruments until the day Naruto and Sasuke start moving to a bigger home and he finds them stuffed away. He thinks about his family, as he often did and although he tried to ignore all the talk in the media surrounding them it was futile. The name 'Uchiha' followed him around anywhere and him being quiet about the situation only resulted in people making up strange stories on their own, ridiculous reasons as to why Sasuke wasn't playing anymore. To be honest, he did miss the feeling of getting lost in the music while playing his instruments.

When Naruto suggested he'd wanted to play the Taiko drums again and almost ordered one that most certainly wouldn't fit through any of their doors, not even in their new home, Sasuke called Juugo. He prepared a place for them both which surprised Naruto at first, but when he arrived and saw Sasuke already standing next to his drums with his Shinobue Flute.. he couldn't possibly look any happier. Even more so because after playing together for a few times and having the time of their lives, Sasuke told him that it would be good to have a goal to challenge themselves and so, they were going to perform at a festival.

Drums, singing, flute-

It was just so fun to do what you love with the one you love. And as Sasuke glanced over at Naruto who was enjoying himself so much as he was flexing his whole body to hit the drums, smiling and singing- then suddenly making eye-contact with Sasuke- he couldn't help but think something within was overflowing.

Sasuke would always listen to Naruto who in turn would always have his melodies be about Sasuke or them together, proudly shouting it from every mountain if he'd have to.

Yeah, I Headcanon Naruto and Sasuke with music.

Thankyou for this wonderful ask, this was a lot of fun @fille-de-skroa !! 🥰 I hope you're doing well too, please take care of yourself as well, and I'm very happy to know about my art ;-; ily

I hope this is somewhat what you expected? (And not too long >.<! Sorry about that!)

[carbomcoco]

I feel like we gotta start demanding people's information sources more. Unless they're the primary source of the information (like, they're sharing about something they directly experienced), they got the information from somewhere. And if I can't track down what that is, that's immediately a red flag for me. And most of the time it's just annoying little things, like people making up fake origin stories for song lyrics, but sometimes it's big things!

You may have seen a viral tweet claiming that the leader of France said that France has never invaded anyone:

The attached image is just a picture. It's not a video of him saying this. So where did the user get this information? There's basically three options:

1) They were actually there when he said this.

2) They got the information from another source. (Hopefully a credible one, like someone who was actually definitely there when he said this, or a press release or post from Macron's team.)

3) They made it up.

It's probably not #1. This seems to be a random person. It's unlikely that they talk to the President of France very often. They don't seem to be a reporter, and if they were, there would probably be a proper record of that interaction.

It could be #2. But if you do a Google search (or whatever your preferred search provider is), there's no record of him saying this anywhere beyond just this one tweet (which, again, provides no proof that this happened as the attached media is just a photo). But if this is true, they had to get the info from somewhere. So either this random internet stranger has access to information sources that are inaccessible to the general public (i.e. you and me) or...

They probably just straight up made it up. Shocker. And like yeah, it's great that we have "community notes" now on Twitter, but we shouldn't rely fully on them instead of doing our own research. Remember, we're more susceptible to misinformation that makes us scared or mad (Source: American Psychological Society). So if you think "holy shit, that's so bad, I can't believe that", probably a good sign that you should double-check that it's actually true. Yeah, the world sucks, it's gonna be true a lot, but you know what I mean. Make sure we're mad about stuff that actually happened.

And on that note, I think a lot of the misinfo that spreads around here just comes from people saying stuff with their full chest even though it's only a guess or they're just straight up wrong. But even if we're not lying on purpose, it still causes problems! A while back, my favorite guitarist got kicked out of his band and didn't say anything. But noticing his absence when the tour started, fans invented a narrative that he'd temporarily left to help another band and he would be back halfway through the tour, despite neither him nor the band indicating anything of the sort. Clearing all that up wasn't fun for anyone.

I've also seen lots of people claiming that "blood is thicker than water" is actually short for "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". There's literally no indication that this is true. The shorter one has been traced back to the 12th century, and the two books (both published after 1990, hundreds of years later) that claim the longer one is true do not cite their sources. (But also, like, it's just a proverb. It's not a law of the universe. If you disagree with it, you don't have to act like it has a secret historical meaning that a conspiracy theory has covered up. You can just be like "nah". You're allowed to disagree with the 12th century dude. It doesn't mean everyone in the world is misremembering it.)

I've even seen posts inciting outrage about a user getting banned, only to look the user up to find that their account is still there and they have no idea what people are talking about.

Anyway. Point is, we can also stop the spread of misinformation by just not making it in the first place. If you don't have proof that something is true, don't act like it is. If someone else makes a post claiming something they couldn't possibly have insider knowledge of and you don't know where they heard it, dig. If you can't figure out where the info's actually from, and they won't say, red flag.

[alpacaparkaseok]

Could you repeat the question?

pairing: Taehyung x reader, oc x Yeonjun (TXT)

premise: a joint interview with your group, BTS, and TXT two months after you met your soulmate.

word count: 2k

[2/2] continuation of Can’t Keep My Hands To Myself

requested by anon - a picture of your request will be at the bottom of the post! 

------------------------------------------

“Please don’t tell them.”

“Me? Why would I say anything?”

“You...you have that look.”

Yeonjun whirls around to face Taehyung, who just entered the room. “Do I have a look?”

Taehyung winks at you in greeting, something that nearly makes you swoon and your group members snicker. 

“A look?” He frowns for a moment before giving his dongsaeng a pitiful smile. “Oh yeah, you do. Definitely.” Taehyung smiles at Jiwoo, my band member who is busy sending death glares at her soulmate. “He’s gonna spill it.”

Yeonjun jumps up from his seat at the same time Taehyung settles down beside you, placing his arm on the back of the couch and brushing your hair off to the side. It’s enough to make goosebumps rise on your skin, which of course he notices. 

Oh, how you’d like to wipe that knowing little smirk off his face right now. 

“I can’t believe this! I’m not going to say a thing-”

“Yeonjun, and I’m saying this with love, if you say a single thing about it, I will personally unplug your refrigerator when you least expect it.”

Your attention is pulled away when you feel Taehyung leaning in to whisper something in your ear. “So, do we know what they’re arguing about?”

You can’t help but giggle. “Nope. Jiwoo won’t say anything.”

“Neither will Yeonjun.”

The smitten couple have been teasingly arguing for the entirety of the morning, leaving the rest of us in complete and utter confusion. 

Oh well, I suppose it’ll help make the broadcast a bit more exciting. 

It’s been two months since Jiwoo and I first *ahem* teleported to our soulmates at the MAMA awards. Or rather, since I landed in Taehyung’s lap and Jiwoo was nearly knocked unconscious when Yeonjun was thrown into her at full force. Of course, Jiwoo claims that it was horribly embarrassing, to which I’m always quick to say that she should feel lucky that at least she didn’t end up in a grown man’s lap. For all to see, no less. 

Ari, our other group member, just rolls her eyes and tells us that beggars can’t be choosers. 

Yeah, whatever that means. 

The past two months have been busy, with hardly enough time to spend with my soulmate. Between the busy schedules and BTS and TXT and our own schedule, we’ve had to settle for late-night FaceTimes and the occasional lunch at the Bighit building. I’ve become really good at sneaking in and out of that building in broad daylight - so far I have yet to be discovered. 

Today, however, is an important one. It’s our first official schedule together as soulmates. Naturally, all three groups have come together for the interview/variety show. 

“Alright, time to head on!” A manager shouts into the room, and suddenly there’s a flurry of movement as we all head toward the door. “I need all the soulmates to stick to their own groups, ok? We don’t want to be causing a riot today.”

Right. With a gloomy expression, Taehyung parts from me to head back to his members. Jiwoo and I glue ourselves to Ari’s side, much to her chagrin. “Ready?”

Both you and Jiwoo respond simultaneously. “Nope.”

Ari just sighs, feigning annoyance. Together, the three of you await your cue as one by one, your groups are introduced. 

TXT goes first, the hosts making a big deal out of swooning over Soobin who now has a cult of his own due to his MC abilities. They make a show of handing the microphone over to him, begging him to take it over from there. He politely declines, while the rest of the boys bicker and chat in the background. 

Then your group is called out, and you find yourself walking out before a huge crowd. You didn’t realize that many people could fit in this building, but here they are. And all of them are here for the same reason: to get a look at the soulmate couples that have newly formed. 

And that have been trending on Twitter and Tumblr for two solid months, breaking all kinds of records. 

As BTS is introduced with an almost reverent tone, you understand why you’ve been trending for so long.

It has a lot to do with one of the men walking out right now, smiling at the crowd and waving, graciously bowing his way across the stage. 

Taehyung wears a gray casual suit which has him looking like he just stepped off a photoshoot. Hair perfectly styled and eyes glowing with adoration for the fans that roar and wave, he commands the entire room with a single raise of his eyebrows. 

Your soulmate, ladies and gentlemen. 

Today is the day where you prove to the rest of the world how much of a perfect match you are for this man. The notion is terrifying. 

“Wow!” The host, a jovial man named Donghyun shouts out, exaggerating how amazed he is by the crowd’s reaction to all three groups sharing the same stage. Indeed, it’s a rare sight. “Ok! Should we get started?”

After a few minutes of more introductions, a few cursory questions (he asks Yeonjun what he’s been up to recently and you’re pretty sure Jiwoo manages to telepathically threaten him, because he chooses the most vague answer imaginable), and instructions on how to begin the next activities, you’re off to the races. 

Painting races, that it. 

Donning a frock and eyeing the empty canvas before you, you glare at your opponent across the way. Taehyung, to his credit, refrains from winking at you. He thinks you’re adorable when you’re flustered, but now’s not the time. 

“Taehyung-ssi!”

Taehyung blinks up at Donghyun. “Yes?”

“Are you going to let your soulmate win?”

The game is simple: paint the listed object with as much detail as possible in a sixty second period. The others will have to guess what it is. 

Taehyung pouts his lips a bit, glancing over at you with a glint in his eye. “I’ll have to see, I think.”

Donghyun chuckles into the mic, turning to face you. “What about you? If Taehyung-ssi falls behind, will you help him win?”

You wiggle your eyebrows at your soulmate, heart soaring when he delivers a boxy grin. “Oh, of course not. I came to compete, not hold hands.”

The crowd bursts out laughing, and someone yells out, “I’ll hold his hand for you!”

You all dissolve into a fit of laughter at that, your cheeks blushing madly. “Yeah, thanks for the offer,” you say between giggles. Readying your paint brush, you wait for the signal. 

You’ve been given the word ‘Iceland’, which you figure shouldn’t be too hard. 

What you failed to account for was the fact that you’re perhaps the worst painter you know. What should look like a globe looks like a basketball and what should be a cube of ice instead looks like nothing more than a cardboard box. 

In the end, you’re pretty sure you laugh more than you paint. Your team members, consisting of a mix from both teams, look utterly confused at the end product. Eventually it’s Jin - who happens to be on Taehyung’s team - that accidentally calls out the answer. 

The rest of the games pass by in a blur of laughter and covert glances toward Taehyung. He always manages to find a way to make you laugh, even though he remains on the other side of the stage for the most part. You don’t miss all of the fans that look at him dreamily, and you can only hope that they’re happy with your overall performance today. 

At the end, you all squeeze onto a couple of couches. Donghyun makes a fuss over allowing the soulmates to sit together, and you can’t hide your smile as a beet-red Yeonjun sidles down to the couch to sit beside Jiwoo, placing his hands in his lap and trying not to do anything that will go viral. 

Taehyung sits on your right, crossing his arms in a way that pulls on his suit jacket enough to expose the outline of his biceps. You catch your eyes wandering, snapping your attention back to the front where Donghyun reads some questions off of a card. 

“I believe that this was the first time soulmates have met while performing at MAMA, is that correct? What were your first thoughts when you suddenly found yourselves face to face with your soulmate?”

The four of you that now have all the attention riding on your shoulders look to each other for help. Finally, with a racing heart, you answer first.

“I think the obvious answer is that I was shocked,” you smile as knowing chuckles ripple through the room. “But I was also really grateful, because Taehyung was so kind and understanding. The staff were very professional and helped us quickly. Overall, I really can’t imagine it having happened in any other way.”

There’s a few ooh’s and aww’s that greet your ears, but you look down at your lap as you blush. Taehyung slightly nudges your knee with his own, and in that simple movement you feel the comfort that he’s trying to give you. 

“I’d actually been talking to Jiminie earlier about soulmates,” Taehyung pipes up. 

“Oh, yeah! That’s right!” Jimin says, giving his friend a slap on the shoulder. “What are the odds?”

Taehyung flashes a shy smile. “I told him that I felt like I was ready. It can be strangely lonely sometimes, and there are times when I just felt like I was missing something. Now, all I have to do is pick up my phone and my missing piece is on the other side, ready to talk with me.”

Now people are really swooning, you included. You dare to peek over at your soulmate, heart nearly melting when you see that his shy smile is paired with pink cheeks. You wish that you could snuggle up to him right now, but that would definitely not end well. Instead, you lightly nudge his knee with your own, returning the little slice of comfort he provided you earlier. 

“And you two?” Dongyun asks after wiping fake tears away from his eyes. 

Yeonjun chews on his bottom lip, Jiwoo too lost in thought to notice that he has that look again. 

“I, er...” Yeonjun begins, squirming a little in his seat. “I was...really happy.”

Donghyun urges Yeonjun to continue. “Of course you were! What about finding Jiwoo made you so happy?”

Jiwoo looks up in horror, but it’s too late. Yeonjun has already opened his mouth and begun to speak. 

“I was so happy because the first thing she said to me was that she thought I was so hot.”

Radio silence. 

And then-

“Oh-ho!! Yeonjunnie you’re so dead!” Hueningkai laughs, and soon everyone follows suit. Even Donghyun has to throw his hand over his mouth to keep himself from snorting with laughter. 

Jiwoo looks at Yeonjun, who completely avoids her gaze as he stares unblinking at the floor. Then, quietly enough for nobody to hear except for you who sits beside her, she whispers, “Say goodbye to all the perishable items in your fridge.”

In the chaos that ensues, Taehyung discreetly traces circles against your arm and mumbles, “Why didn’t you say that to me when we first met?”

You smack his shoulder. “I should be asking you the same thing!”

Just before everything calms down again, Taehyung leans over to grab the abandoned canvas on the ground. Taking the still-wet paint and dipping his finger into it, he draws something out on it. Nudging you to get your attention, he flashes the canvas for you to see, hiding it from the cameras. 

It’s hard to keep a neutral expression as you see his handiwork. It’s just six words, but they’re enough to have your entire face flushed a moment later. 

I think you’re hotter than Yeonjun ;)

Stifling a laugh, you roll your eyes. “I hope you know I’m keeping that,” you mumble. Taehyung grins.

“Great. We’ll get it framed.”

A few days later, you do. It hangs in the front room of your apartment, for all to see. And for Jiwoo to loathe, as it serves as a constant reminder of her embarrassing first words to her soulmate.

Oh well. In the words of Ari, “Beggars can’t be choosers.”

masterlist

[homerforsure]

Whumptober No. 6 Bruises / Touch Starved / Hunger Whumptober No. 30 major character death / left for dead / ghosts

Me: I can’t believe I have to post this absolutely incomprehensible piece of writing. 

Me: You don’t... have to?

Me: No, I’m gonna. 

Buck has an exceptional number of pillows on his bed. There are six, before he knocks a few to the floor every night, and he burrows into them like a nest, curling up with one against his chest, two pressed against his back, one between his legs. His sheets are a ridiculously priced, cool, crisp cotton that welcomes him in, surrounding him. The blankets he uses aren’t weighted, but they’re heavy and thick and he keeps his air conditioning turned up so he doesn’t have to give up the feeling of nestling into them in the heat of summer. Along with the white noise machine on his night stand, all of it is chosen to trick him into sleep. To keep back the feeling that night time in his own apartment is the loneliest part of Buck’s day. 

It wasn’t perfect, pre-covid. It’s been a long time since Buck had someone share his space, share his bed, someone he could reach out and touch whenever he wanted. But his life outside of home was full. He didn’t lack for closeness; in some ways he had more than he’d ever dreamed. So while he had lonely moments, they weren’t a constant ache in his chest. 

These months though. These months hurt. Facetime isn’t a substitute for curling up on Maddie’s couch with whatever silly-labeled wine she’d liked best that week. It’s definitely not a substitute for Eddie’s couch and losing to Christopher over and over again at Mario Kart. The last time they talked, Eddie had reached over and ruffled Christopher’s hair and Buck felt it. First as a tingle up the back of his scalp and then as a bruise to his heart. Eddie’s touches, so constant and so casual, became essential somewhere along the way and Buck feels himself reaching out for them even when he knows it’s not allowed.

“Six feet, gentlemen,” Bobby says gently when their orbits swing toward each other and Eddie makes a dramatic show of raising his hands and taking a giant step backward. Bobby just shakes his head and reminds them it’s the price they all agreed to pay for not wearing masks in the firehouse. 

Buck starts dreading the end of a call when taking off his heavy turnout coat leaves him feeling cold and exposed. He folds into himself, claiming a chair, putting in earbuds and crossing his arms tight over his chest, pulling his knees up even though he knows better than to put his shoes on the furniture.

It’s a similar position to the one he lies in at night, clinging to the pillows, trying to draw comfort out of the smooth fabric. In those moments, his loneliness is so loud it might as well be a beacon sent out into the universe, a burning shout of need. 

And that shout is heard. 

***

“Have you guys heard of exploding head syndrome?” Buck asks one morning when the calls are slow and the crew is all lingering in a lazy way rather than rushing off to take care of their other duties. 

“What, the band?” Chimney asks.

“I think it was an album,” Bobby says.

“No,” Buck sighs. “It’s a sleep thing. It’s this loud noise that you hear when you’re falling asleep like a massively loud explosion. Only it’s just happening in your head.”

“Is your brain actually exploding? Like an aneurism?”

“No. It’s just the noise.” 

Just the loudest noise Buck had ever heard. It woke him up with a feeling of abject terror. It was an explosion that didn’t echo. It just rang, clear and true through his eardrums like the end of the world. Even as he struggled out of his sheets, searching for the source so he could run from it, part of him knew it wasn’t a sound that left any physical evidence. What could it even be? A sound like that? An old fashioned safe dropping from two stories up? A car crash without the crunch? Just a high speed collision of two immovable objects, all of the equal and opposite reaction of their momentum forced to escape as sound. 

Once his heart rate had slowed, he googled. He wasn’t initially sure what to google. “Ridiculously loud noise woke me up” seemed at once too vague and too specific but sure enough. Exploding Head Syndrome. It was what happened. Obviously. But Buck remained too full of adrenaline to sleep. As he sat up in bed, he couldn’t shake the urge to look around. Under the bed, in the closet, behind the shower curtain. He didn’t feel alone. 

“I’m just glad it’s happening in your head instead of mine,” Chim laughs. “Maybe try putting some earmuffs on before you go to sleep tonight.” ***

The sound doesn’t reappear. Buck is relieved, but sleeping doesn’t get any easier. He tries to soothe himself with obscenely long hot baths, by ordering a hoodie that’s more fluff than fabric, by running a foam roller across his muscles, trying to pry them into relaxation. It’s so much work and it does so little. Buck’s entire body is screaming out at all times for a hug or a massage or even just a really fucking good haircut. It takes longer and longer to fall asleep and the little sleep he does get isn’t restful. It’s like whatever meager comfort he manages to give himself during the day is leached away in the night. 

He doesn’t even notice the bruises at first. It’s an easy enough thing to miss. Their job is heavy physical labor and Buck barrels through a scene like a one man stampede. Bruises are as common as the smell of smoke in his hair. The ones Eddie points out on his arm though are different. 

Buck’s carrying a kitten at the time. The fire they’ve been fighting is beaten back to smolders. Buck shucked off his coat, wet and dripping from the hose and too cold for the shaking animal, and grabbed a blanket from the ambulance to wrap her up and cradle her against his chest. He’s rubbing his face against her damp fur, feeling the softness like a concentrated shot of endorphins when Eddie asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

“What are you talking about?” Buck asks and Eddie’s hands are pushing up the sleeves of his shirt, rolling them up to his shoulders while Buck’s trying to hold onto the cat.

“You don’t feel that?”

“Feel what?” He’s maybe a little ruder than he means to be but the sleep deprivation makes him cranky and the touch deprivation means that Eddie’s gently probing fingers feel like a dream on his skin. The care in the brush of his hands makes Buck’s knees weak. 

“Your arms are bruised to hell,” Eddie says. “Are you- Did someone grab you or something?”

“I swear to god, Eddie. I don’t feel anything.” Except grumpy and exhausted and longing. 

“Jesus, it goes all the way up your shoulders. It looks like-” He stops, pulling Buck’s collar aside and tracing a small spot that Buck can’t see even if he turns his head. “They look like fingerprints, Buck. Are you seeing someone?” 

“What!”

“These are handprints. And they’re dark. Do you really not-”

Buck wrenches himself from Eddie’s grasp so he can turn around and look at him because if Eddie’s really accusing him of putting everyone at risk by trying to date someone right now… But Eddie’s face is nothing but concerned. Which makes Buck scared. 

“Is it really that bad?” he asks, clutching the cat to his chest. 

Eddie rubs a hand up Buck’s back (it feels so good, hot like Buck’s t-shirt isn’t even between them and is it just because it’s been so long or just because it’s Eddie?) without looking around to see if Bobby’s watching and that’s really all the confirmation Buck needs. It’s bad. 

***

After that, Buck starts to feel them. He wakes up and he can’t breathe. He wakes up and he can’t move. He wakes up on the floor. He spends every moment that he’s asleep fighting to wake up. Buck can only remember fragments and pieces of the torment but he knows that it feels like drowning. Like being held down. Like being grabbed and pulled and smothered. He thinks he remembers long dark hair. 

Google is useless. Sleep apnea. Sleep paralysis. Sleep terrors. Even sleepwalking. None of them can account for the worst of it. For the physical signs of whatever is happening to him while he sleeps.

Bruises bloom blue on the pale skin of his hips. Purple on his ribs. Green on the back of his neck. The ones that Eddie saw first on his arm fade to yellow.  A long scratch runs down the side of his face. Dark circles under his eyes grow darker every day. 

“What’s happening to me?” he asks his reflection.

All he wants is to be able to ask that question with someone’s arms around him. He wants anyone to hold him tight and shush his fears and tell him that it’ll be okay. 

It’s easier than he thought to hide it. Buck just chooses his shower times strategically and opts for a long sleeve uniform, complaining that he ruined his short sleeves ones by grabbing bleach instead of detergent while he was half asleep. 

He’s always half asleep these days.

At least in the bunk rooms, he gets some semblance of rest. Whatever presence he feels in his own bedroom doesn’t cross this threshold and Buck sleeps deeply, almost missing the scream of the alarm. 

“It’s getting worse isn’t it?” Eddie asks, cornering Buck in the locker room. Buck can’t help but nod and Eddie steps closer as if to touch him. 

Buck flinches away and Eddie pulls up short as though hitting an invisible wall. 

He breathes Buck’s name on a pained exhale and says, “You have to get some help. Whatever it is…”

“I don’t know what it is!’ Buck answers. “It’s living in my house and it- it- God. Maybe I need an exorcism.”

“Maybe you should come home with me,” Eddie suggests and Buck recoils again. 

The firehouse seems safe but there’s no guarantee that Buck won’t be followed anywhere else. He’s desperate to be safe--desperate for Eddie to make him safe--but not at the expense of anyone else. Not when he doesn’t know what he’s facing. 

“Okay,” Eddie says. “But call me in the morning.” 

***

The burned girl screams louder when she sees Buck than she did while they were putting out the inferno of her car. 

“Stay away from me!” She shrieks. “Stay awaystayawaystayaway.”

“Miss, we’re going to need you to calm down,” Hen says to her. “Buck, you wanna move aside? Like preferably somewhere she can’t see you?”

Buck does because the patient’s well-being is more important than anything, but his skin feels like ice. He wants to demand to know what else she sees when she looks at him. Wants to know how she knows. For half a second, he imagines following her to the hospital and waiting for her outside the glass doors.  

They aren’t far from her house (52% of accidents happen within five miles of home) and the girl’s father arrives on the scene before they finish prepping her to be transported. And he sees Buck. 

He freezes when he does, but at least he doesn’t scream. He ignores Buck completely, instead going to the ambulance where his daughter is still crying and trying to soothe her. Hen offers to let him ride in the ambulance, but he says that he’ll take his car. 

“You’re in a lot of trouble,” he says, returning to Buck as the ambulance pulls away. “What you summoned… That’s not a normal ghost.”

“I didn’t summon anything! It just happened.” Buck’s voice is high-pitched and he just barely stops himself from grabbing onto the man’s arm, but the man doesn’t seem afraid of Buck the way his daughter was. “What is it? How do I make it go away?”

The man shrugs, “She came in through an open door. Which door depends on the person. But she’ll do everything in her power to keep it pried open. All you can do is try to close it again.”

It is… the least helpful advice Buck’s ever been given in his entire life. But the man’s daughter is on her way to the hospital and he needs to follow her. He vanishes. 

***

They’re about to have four days off. Buck’s bracing himself to meet the woman in his dreams. To look around in that dreamspace for open doors and slam them shut again. He can do it. He has to. 

***

The next night Buck wakes up and he can’t move. He’s paralyzed on the bed. He’s paralyzed on the bed and someone’s standing at the top of his stairs. 

She’s not… right. Buck can’t quite see in the dark and he can’t lift his head but the woman on his stairs isn’t solid in the way a human should be. The outline of her is strong, but it’s like she’s a shell wrapped around a cavernous emptiness. She’s across the room but she’s already pulling at him. 

Buck tries to thrash but his arms are pinned as if her hands are already on his wrists. He needs to reach the lamp. If he can just turn on the light.

“Get away from me,” he pleads and the part of her face where lips should be turns up, revealing pointed teeth that stand in front of a void.

“You called me,” she says. The words don’t come from her mouth and Buck doesn’t hear them with his ears. It’s wrong wrong wrong. He throws himself hard to the left and he rolls, flying further than he expected to, suddenly free, and crashes hard into the table, knocking the lamp to the floor. It shatters, bulb and all and pain scrapes across Buck’s shoulders.

“Poor boy,” the ghost mocks. “Poor lonely boy. Just wants someone to touch him. Just wants someone to stay with him. I heard you.”

“No,” Buck says and he tries to scramble, but his feet can’t find purchase on the floor. “I didn’t want you.”

He doesn’t deny the call. Can’t deny it when his heart is reaching out in the same pleading, desperate way now. Please. Anyone.

In the time it takes to blink she’s in front of him. She’s so close. She shouldn’t be able to get that close without standing on him but she’s there. Her voice whispers in his mind, “You should choose your words more carefully.”

And then her hands are around his throat.

The pressure is insistent and her motive is unmistakable. She’s going to kill him. She’s going to squeeze the life out of him. He’s going to die here and Eddie’s going to find his body because Eddie’s going to come rushing over as soon as Buck doesn’t call him in the morning and what if this thing is still here waiting for him. 

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Buck’s mind yells for him like his lungs did when Eddie was buried except now it’s Buck who’s too far away, who’s trapped somewhere deep and dark with no hope of escape. 

He tries to breathe and his breath whistles. It’s like the first time someone handed him a styrofoam cup of coffee and he tried to drink through the plastic stir stick. Black stars twinkle in the room and tears build in his eyes. 

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 

There’s a shift as she adjusts her grip and it’s enough for the stars to clear. Buck throws himself forward, shaking his head like he isn’t a ragdoll trapped in the jaws of a rottweiler, like he has a hope of breaking free and then he does. The ghost is thrown off balance and Buck jumps, scrambling back over his bed for the stairs. He can’t even think about defeating her, finding out the secrets of where she came from, closing whatever fucking door he left open. All Buck wants to do is live. 

A force behind him swells like a wave to lift Buck off his feet and slams him into the bathroom door. He expects to slide off of it and onto the floor, but he’s held in place hard, his head turned and his cheek pressed to the wood, toes just brushing the ground. 

“You begged me to come,” the ghost hisses. “I’m here for you, lonely boy. Don’t fight so hard.”

A hand skims up his back, nearly gentle, but leaving a numbness in its path and Buck shudders in disgust. He jerks against the door, but his arms are wrenched behind him and he screams. He realizes it’s the first time he has.

“I didn’t call you! I don’t want you here! Get out.”

“I came because you needed me.” A long finger trails down his cheek and Buck whimpers. She’s taller than him now. Was she always? “I could feel you from so far away. An aching ball of need. I’m here for you now.” 

“I don’t need you,” Buck growls and the room flashes like lightning. He hopes to fall, almost expects to fall, where he can scramble again but instead, Buck is hurled away from the door completely. He has time to see that he’s above the stairs, throw his hands out uselessly and then he’s frozen. 

Buck hovers there in the air above the stairs, dangling in the grip of the ghost, like a cat grabbed by his scruff. Kicking wildly, he grabs for the invisible hand that’s holding him, yelling “No, no, no, no.”

“Need me now?” the ghost asks. 

Smothering the terrified part of him that nearly answers yes, Buck forces himself to stop twisting and just hang there. He doesn’t want to fall. He doesn’t want to die. But what he needs isn’t going to come from the ghost. 

“No,” he answers. 

And he can’t explain how he knows what her face looks like when it’s screwed up in fury, but he does. It’s vicious and vindictive and Buck’s not surprised at all when he’s flicked away from her and down the flight of stairs. 

He seems to hit each one as he falls, something that should be impossible with the speed that he’s traveling and the force with which he bounces off of them, but the ghost is obviously responsible. Air leaves his lungs as his ribs crack against the stairs. His elbows and knees scrape. His head bangs the rail. Buck’s long, long legs seem to tangle as he falls, cartwheeling him down and he lands in a heap at the bottom. 

As he tries to figure out if he can still move, the door flies open. 

Warmth rushes in. Buck hadn’t even realized how cold it had gotten since he first woke up, but the room seems to thaw around him. It’s like sunlight. 

It’s Eddie. 

“Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Evan. Buck. I’ve got you, Buck. I’ve got you.” 

Tenderly, he scoops Buck off the floor, unsnarling the mess of his limbs and feeling all over for the damage he can’t see. “I’ve got you. Open your eyes. Come on.” 

The ghost stands at the top of the stairs and then she’s at the bottom. Buck clambers backward again, digging his heels into the floor to push himself upright in front of Eddie, to try and hide him from view. Eddie doesn’t seem to see the ghost. All of his attention is still on Buck, stroking his hair, promising over and over that he’s there, that he has Buck. 

All of the ghost’s attention is on Buck too. “You need me,” she says. “You called for me.” She sounds different now. Bitter. Like Buck wasted her precious time. 

“I don’t need you,” he says and he reaches behind him to grab Eddie’s hand. “I already have everything I need.” 

Lights flicker and that impossibly loud sound bangs in Buck’s ears again. He gets one last look at the ghost’s vicious, violent visage and then she’s gone. 

And then Buck wakes up.

[fortunatelyfresco]

A Holistic Integration of Type 1 Narcolepsy into the Reading of Moist von Lipwig

Literary Interpretation, Disability, and Finding Yourself Between the Lines

As it goes, "I wrote this for me, but you can read it if you want." It might be a fun ride for anyone who is very interested in Moist von Lipwig, or narcolepsy, or both, and/or anyone who enjoys collecting small details from within a body of work and arranging them into threads that are supportable by the text, without being actually suggested by it.

Personally, I find it very interesting to read the meta behind different headcanons, and see how creators can unintentionally write a character who fits certain criteria. There are only so many traits, after all, and some of them tend to travel in groups! Humans are pattern seekers, etc etc.

The first step of reading Moist von Lipwig as narcoleptic is wanting to read Moist von Lipwig as narcoleptic. Being narcoleptic myself and relating heavily to Moist, this step was very easy. I invite you to take my hand and come along, at least briefly, if you were interested enough to click the readmore.

Once you have taken that step, things start falling into place. At least they do if you're intimately familiar with narcolepsy, or if you first learn about it in detail through, for instance, a Tumblr post with an agenda :)

I'll break this down symptom by symptom, citing only the ones I both have personal experience with and see textual support for.

I'll be using OverDrive's search function to catalogue "evidence" in (the American editions of) Going Postal, Making Money, and Raising Steam, so I might miss passages that don't use certain keywords.

Please take any statements along the lines of "being narcoleptic means X" with a huge grain of salt. Sometimes it's just more succinct. Narcolepsy can manifest in many different ways, and is still being actively studied. Don't base your entire understanding of it on a fandom essay I wrote to cope with the crushing pressures of capitalism. I have not even fully read the scientific studies linked here as sources.

Here we go! Spoilers abound.

I. Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (EDS) and sleep attacks.

Being narcoleptic means (salt now, please) that your brain does not get adequate rest while you sleep, no matter how much you sleep. This is because of a disturbance in the order and length of REM and NREM sleep phases. This leads to constant exhaustion. Some sources describe narcoleptic EDS as "comparable to [the sleepiness] experienced by a healthy individual who has been sleep-deprived continuously for 48–72 hours."

(Source.)

Sleep attacks can come on gradually or suddenly. In my case, I become irritable and easily overwhelmed, and nothing matters except finding a place to lie down. A more severe attack, under the right circumstances, can put me to sleep while I'm actively trying to stay awake and engaged.

Moist refers to 6:45 am as "still nighttime." He is "allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day" and is "not good at early mornings," and the narration even cites this as "one of the advantages of a life of crime; you didn't have to get up until other people had got the streets aired."

In Going Postal, he repeatedly falls asleep at his desk. I can only find two instances, but the first one describes it as having happened "again," so it happens at least three times over the course of one week. Both of the times I found were after Mr. Pump cleared his apartment, giving him access to a bed, and I can't find any reference to the fire destroying it—just that his office is "missing the whole of one wall." His presumably wooden desk is still intact, even, just "charred."

There's also no build-up either time. No direct narration of the time right before he falls asleep, just retroactive accounting for it.

Which is primarily a function of stories not showing us every boring second, and secondarily one of the smaller ways we're shown Moist being overwhelmed and racing to keep up with himself, but tertiarily it's a great set dressing if you've already decided he's narcoleptic. Sometimes sleep is just a thing that happens, without any deliberate transition. Sometimes you sit down to catch your breath or get some paperwork done, and wake up several hours later.

I've found only one example in GP of Moist waking up in his actual bed at the post office: the morning after being possessed by all the undelivered letters. Presumably either they put him there, or Mr. Pump did.

There are two points in Making Money where Moist, in an effort to be a comforting and/or guiding hand, advises people to get some sleep. First Owlswick Jenkins, and then one of the clerks (Robert) who is worried about Mr. Bent.

I take the optimistic view that this is Moist genuinely caring about these people, not just trying to get them to do what he wants. He has always done some combination of those things (GP opens with him having befriended his jailers, after all), but there's definitely a thread of him learning to treat both himself and those around him more like real people. (See also.)

Looking at this thread through narcolepsy-colored lenses, you get Moist perhaps drawing from his own experiences in an effort to be helpful. In Owlswick or Robert's position, what is something he would want to hear from the man currently in charge of his fate, or at least his job? "Get some sleep."

If we accept this as a pattern, it culminates in Raising Steam, when Moist starts to worry about "Dick Simnel and his band of overworked engineers," fixating particularly on their lack of sleep.

What sleep they got was in sleeping bags, curled up on carriage seats, eating but not eating well, just driven by their watches and their desire to keep the train going.

[...]

"People are going to die if we push them any further," he said to Dick. "You lot would rather work than sleep!"

[...]

The young man swayed in front of him and Moist's tone became gentle. "And I see now that part of my job is to tell you that you need some rest. You've run out of steam, Dick. Look, we're well on the way to Uberwald now, and while it's daylight and we're out of the mountains it's going to be the least risky time to run with minimum crew. We're all going to need our wits about us when we get near the pass. Surely you can take some rest?"

Simnel blinked as if he'd not seen Moist the first time, and said, "Yes, you're right."

And Moist could hear the slurring in the young man's speech, caught him before he fell and dragged him into a sleeping compartment, put him to bed, and noted that the engineer didn't so much fall asleep as somehow flow into it.

Moist then recruits Vimes to help him talk the rest of the engineers into getting some rest. The two of them briefly commiserate about people not realizing how important it is.

"I have to teach that to young coppers. Treasure a night's rest, I always say. Take a nap whenever you can."

"Very good."

II. Insomnia.

This is a lesser-known but very common symptom of narcolepsy. Or a comorbidity, depending on how you look at it. It seems counterintuitive if narcolepsy has been presented to you as "sleeping all the time," but it makes sense once you know it's really a matter of disruption in the brain's ability to regulate sleep cycles.

The case for this symptom is flimsier, and I fully admit I'm just reading my own experience into it. But here are two excerpts from Going Postal that I find quite suitable for my sleepy agenda:

1. "A man of affairs such as he had to learn to sleep in all kinds of situations, often while mobs were looking for him a wall's thickness away."

I latched hard onto this detail the first time I read GP.

At my worst, I could not get more than a couple hours of sleep in my bed. I kept taking naps in the bath because it was one of the few places I could sleep. It seemed to fulfill some of the criteria (isolation, temperature control, etc) that my brain demanded in exchange for playing nice.

We're told over and over again, throughout Moist's books, that he functions best under pressure.

(Brief aside: This is often cited as a reason to interpret Moist as having ADHD, which I'm also fully on board with. Not coincidentally, narcolepsy and ADHD share a few symptoms, have a notable comorbidity rate, and are treated with some of the same medications. Source.)

So again, if you're already inclined to read Moist as narcoleptic, the following is an easy jump:

"Moist thinks he's good at sleeping in strange places under strange circumstances. This is because A) his basis for comparison is a disordered attempt to sleep in normal places under normal circumstances, B) something about danger satisfies his brain into running more smoothly, and C) he's a resourceful person who is 'not given to introspection,' and so is less likely to wonder why his body demands sleep at strange times and more likely to focus on finding a place for that sleep to happen, and chalk this up later as a skill."

And returning briefly to EDS: Why would someone like Moist waste time finding a safe place to sleep while people are actively trying to kill him? At the beginning of GP, he leaves Vetinari's office and immediately goes on the run. In multiple books, when he feels threatened, his brain instinctively launches into complex escape plans. We see him successfully blend into an Ankh-Morpork crowd at least once after becoming a public figure.

So why bother? After all, a safe place to sleep is also a safe place to change clothes, or at least remove whatever distinguishing features he's given himself. Why wouldn't he just become someone else and leave town immediately?

The obvious answer is that sometimes things just happen, and an author doesn't need to know or explain every single detail of a character's past.

I would suggest, though, that one of those things might be Moist reaching a point where sleep is just not optional. A point where he not only doesn't, but can't, care about anything else. Where he is too tired to think straight, too tired to talk his way out of trouble, too tired to even contemplate the long journey from one town to the next.

2. "Moist knew he ought to get some sleep, but he had to be there, too, alive and sparkling."

Sometimes (especially in combination with underlying mental health issues) narcoleptic sleep deprivation can bypass everything I've described so far, and lead straight into a manic state. You won't necessarily find that on Google, but it's been my experience.

That's obviously not what the text is implying. "Alive and sparkling" is just a very relatable description. And we do often see Moist getting away from himself, speaking without thinking, making absurd promises that he justifies immediately afterwards as Just Part Of Being Him, always raising the stakes.

And here are a couple of excerpts from Raising Steam that could be interpreted as Moist being a light sleeper, AKA struggling to get deep sleep:

1. "And slowly Moist shut down, although a part of him was always listening to the rhythm of the rails, listening in his sleep, like a sailor listening to the sounds of the sea."

2. "All Moist's life he'd managed to find a way of sleeping in just about every circumstance and, besides, the guard's van was somehow the hub of the train; and although he didn't know how he did it, he always managed to sleep with half of one ear open."

Moist is exactly the kind of opportunist to see that as a useful tool, isn't he?

III. Hypnagogic and Hypnopompic Hallucinations.

These are hallucinations that come on as you're falling asleep or waking up. They can also happen during REM intrusions while you're awake. My most memorable ones include piano notes, someone calling my name, being trapped in the waves of a large body of water, and a huge truck going over a guard rail and tumbling down a hill. These are often, but not always, accompanied by sleep paralysis (and sleep paralysis is often, but not always, accompanied by hallucinations).

In GP, Moist casually cites his own hallucinations as proof that what is happening at the post office is not one.

"They're all alive! And angry! They talk! It was not a hallucination! I've had hallucinations and they don't hurt!"

Obviously that's not true for everyone, but it's true for Moist, and he has enough experience that he immediately recognizes the difference.

At one point while awake, Moist "[snaps] out of a dream of chandeliers" to realize someone has approached him to talk, while he was busy having visions of what the post office used to look like/could look like again.

Now, that's cheating, because we're probably supposed to assume it's a side effect of being possessed, but... I'm putting it here anyway.

There is also perhaps a case to be made for the tendency of Moist's internal monologue to lapse into extremely specific and prolonged hypotheticals. The lines between hallucinations, waking dreams, and "regular" daydreams have always been very blurry to me. I'm especially curious about the example at the end of Going Postal, which goes like this:

"Look, I know what I'm like," he said. "I'm not the person everyone thinks I am. I just wanted to prove to myself I'm not like Gilt. More than a hammer, you understand? But I'm still a fraud by trade. I thought you knew that. I can fake sincerity so well that even I can't tell. I mess with people's heads—"

"You're fooling no one but yourself," said Miss Dearheart, and reached for his hand.

Moist shook her off, and ran out of the building, out of the city, and back to his old life, or lives, always moving on, selling glass as diamond, but somehow it just didn't seem to work anymore, the flair wasn't there, the fun had dropped out of it, even the cards didn't seem to work for him, the money ran out, and one winter in some inn that was no more than a slum he turned his face to the wall—

And an angel appeared.

"What just happened?" said Miss Dearheart.

Perhaps you do get two...

"Only a passing thought," said Moist.

In-universe... what is Adora reacting to? What did just happen? The fact that these incidents are not isolated to Going Postal is a point against it being some sort of literal timeline divergence caused by The Spirit Of The Post.

So maybe Moist visibly zoned out. Maybe he had some kind of minor but noticeable cataplexy attack (more on those later) as part of a REM intrusion, brought on by the intense emotions he's currently struggling with.

IV. Vivid Dreams.

Again, at least some of this is probably supposed to be part of the possession, but I've been professionally projecting myself onto the surreal dreams of magically afflicted characters for years. Do try this at home.

1. "Moist dreamed of bottled wizards, all shouting his name. In the best tradition of awaking from a nightmare, the voices gradually became one voice, which turned out to be the voice of Mr. Pump, who was shaking him."

2. Moist is uneasy about the Smoking Gnu's plan, and then he has an extremely detailed dream about the Grand Trunk burning down.

This culminates in "Moist awoke, the Grand Trunk burning in his head," followed by a paragraph of him thinking things through and starting to form his own alternative plan, followed immediately by "Moist awoke. He was at his desk, and someone had put a pillow under his head."

So he fell asleep at his desk, woke up from a vivid nightmare, was awake just long enough for a coherent train of thought, and then passed back out. Which once again is not "proof" of anything, but fits the predetermined interpretation like a glove.

V. Cataplexy.

Cataplexy is a sudden loss of muscle control, usually triggered by strong emotions. This is thought to be a facet of REM intrusion—waking instances of the atonia that is meant to stop us from acting out our dreams.

The most well-known manifestation is laughter making your knees buckle, but it's not always that severe. My own attacks range from facial twitching, usually when I'm angry or otherwise extremely upset, to all-over weakness/immobilization and near-collapse when I laugh. My knees have fully buckled once or twice.

This is the biggest stretch. This is the one that is absolutely only there if you've already decided to read entire novels between the lines. It's also not even necessary for the broader headcanon; plenty of people have narcolepsy without cataplexy (or such mild cataplexy that it's never noticeable, or very delayed onset, etc).

However. I am doing this for fun. So I want him to have it. It's also become a major part of how I imagine Moist engaging with emotion, and I'd like to make a case for that.

There are a few scattered references to Moist's legs shaking, or being unsteady, or outright giving way, but there's usually an external physical reason, and/or enough psychological shock to justify it without a medical condition.

The most compelling example I've found so far comes from Moist and Adora's conversation about people expecting Moist to deliver letters to the gods.

"I never promised to—"

"You promised to when you sold them the stamps!"

Moist almost fell off his chair. She'd wielded the sentence like a fist.

"And it'll give them hope," she added, rather more quietly.

"False hope," said Moist, struggling upright.

"Almost fell off his chair" at first sounds like casual hyperbole, but then "struggling upright" implies it was a bit more literal. It's also an accurate description of me recovering from my more severe attacks, supporting myself on a wall or my spouse, or pushing myself up if I've fallen over in bed.

That happens to me multiple times per day, by the way. It doesn't bother me, and I didn't realize there was anything unusual about it for a long time. I barely think about it, except to fondly note that my spouse is good at making me laugh.

Which is to say, even severe cataplexy is not always noticeable or debilitating. Sometimes it absolutely is! It can be downright dangerous, depending on where you are, what you're doing, and whether you have any other conditions it might exacerbate. I don't want to undermine that.

I am just hell-bent on justifying the idea that this fictional character could have repeated attacks throughout the canonical narrative that are so routine they don't merit an explanation, or even a description. Especially for someone who is used to hiding his few distinguishing features behind false ones that are much more memorable. (See also.)

(That link goes to my own fanfic. Sorry.)

On the milder side, between Going Postal and Making Money, there are three instances of Moist's mouth "dropping open" when he's shocked, upset, confused, or some combination of the three. This is the kind of thing that shows up a lot in fiction, but rarely happens so literally in real life.

(There's technically a fourth instance, but I'm not counting it because it seems to be a deliberate choice on his part to convey surprise.)

And then there's laughter. Or rather, there isn't. I could be missing something, but I've searched all three books for instances of laughter and various synonyms (not counting spoken "Ha!"s), and what I've come up with is:

Moist laughs once in Going Postal, when he receives the assignment for the race to Genua.

Two packages were handed over. Moist undid his, and burst out laughing.

There's also an instance earlier in the book where Moist nearly "burst[s] out laughing."

I find the specifics here interesting, and, for our purposes, fortuitous. Cataplexy is complicated and presents differently for everyone. In my case, when laughter triggers an attack, one of the effects (which is sometimes also a cause) is that I laugh very hard, with little or no control. "Burst out laughing" is quite apt.

Let's move on to Making Money, and start with a quick tangent:

Mr. Bent explains that he has no sense of humor due to a medical condition, and that he isn't upset about this and doesn't understand why people feel sorry for him.

Moist immediately starts in with "Have you tried—" before getting cut off by the frustrated Bent.

Out-of-universe, "Have you tried" is such a well-known refrain to anyone with an incurable condition, I'm not at all surprised to find it in a book written by someone who had at least begun the process that would lead to a diagnosis of early-onset Alzheimer's. And Pratchett has certainly never shied away from portraying ignorance in his protagonists.

In-universe, it feels a little odd. Moist's tongue runs away from him all the time, but usually in the form of making ridiculous claims or impossible promises. Moist's entire stock-in-trade is People Skills, and it feels strange for him to make this kind of mistake immediately after being told Mr. Bent is not looking for solutions.

But if one were reading with, for instance, the idea in mind that Moist himself has an incurable condition related to laughter and is enthusiastic about, but still relatively new to, the practice of drawing on his own experiences to help people... it is easy to imagine the gears in his head turning the wrong way, superimposing those experiences over the tail end of Mr. Bent's explanation. Disabled people are not immune to these well-meaning pitfalls.

There is another Mr. Bent moment that I want to discuss, but we'll circle back around to it later.

I found two instances of Moist himself laughing in MM.

1. "He said it with a laugh, to lighten the mood a little."

This is deliberate laughter, employed as a social tactic. A polite chuckle, probably. Not the sort of thing that generally triggers cataplexy.

2. "Moist started to laugh, and stopped at the sight of her grave expression."

The first and only involuntary laugh in MM. It doesn't always trigger attacks...

Which brings us to Raising Steam. Compared to the first two books, Moist laughs a lot here. I count nine instances. Two of them are "burst out laughing"s, a couple include him as part of a group, some of it comes off as deliberate, and some of it doesn't.

I've always seen a lot of... rage in Raising Steam. Combing through it for laughter, I realized Moist's emotions in general are much closer to the surface here, and he's much less concerned about letting people see them. He laughs with friends and acquaintances, he cries in front of strangers, he shouts at Harry King, he has that entire conversation with Dick that boils down to "I'm very worried about you," etc.

Opinions vary wildly and sharply on Raising Steam. I have my own hangups with it, as I do with most books in the series. (Every time I make a new Discworld post, Tumblr passive-aggressively suggests the tag "my kingdom for a discworld character who is normal about women and other species.")

But I like this particular change in Moist, and I choose to see it as character development. He's trading in the professional detachment of a conman for the ability to grow into himself as a person and make meaningful connections.

So, what does that have to do with cataplexy? A lot.

I don't want to get too maudlin, so I'll just say I have plenty of personal experience with emotional repression masking cataplexy symptoms. And so, I believe, does the version of Moist we've put together over the course of this post.

Which brings us back to Making Money, and Mr. Bent. He says something about Moist that I find very interesting: "I do not trust those who laugh too easily."

Unless I've missed something, at that point in the book, Moist has never actually laughed in front of him. And Mr. Bent is a man who pays very close attention to details.

So, what is the in-universe explanation for this? I'd like to propose that Moist is very skilled at seeming to laugh, without actually laughing. He smiles, he's friendly, and he makes other people laugh, which is another thing Bent dislikes about him. He gives the impression of being someone who laughs a lot. (He certainly left that impression on me; I was very surprised by the lack of examples in the first two books.)

Even staying strictly within the bounds of canon, it's easy to imagine why this might have become part of Moist's camouflage in his previous life. He wasn't looking to get attached to anyone, and he didn't want anyone getting inside his head. Engaging with people genuinely enough to laugh at their jokes would run counter to both of those things, but some of his personas still needed to come off as friendly and sociable.

Still working within the canon, it makes sense to assume he's similarly distanced himself from emotion in general. He sits in a cell for several weeks without truly believing he's going to die. He's bewildered when Mr. Pump points out that his schemes have hurt innocent people. He has no idea what to do with his feelings for Adora. Etc.

Interpreting Moist as having cataplexy adds an extra element of danger. Moist thrives on danger, but there's a difference between the thrill of a con and the threat of sudden, uncontrollable displays of vulnerability. And so it becomes even easier to see him stifling his own emotional capacity.*

We meet Moist at a moment of great upheaval. He is forcibly removed from his cocoon of false identities, and pushed out into the world as himself. And we are shown and told throughout Going Postal that he does not know how to be himself. (See also.)

He is repeatedly stymied by his own emotions. He gets tongue-tied and confused around Adora, he snaps at Mr. Pump, he lashes out at Mr. Groat, he gets lost in school flashbacks when he meets Miss Maccalariat. This thread continues in Making Money, where the sudden reappearance of Cribbins immediately rattles him into making an uncharacteristic mistake.

I called him Cribbins! Just then! I called him Cribbins! Did he tell me his name? Did he notice? He must have noticed!

Later in the same book, Moist misses a crucial opportunity to run damage control on the bank's public image... because he's excited to see Adora.

The Moist of GP and MM is not used to feeling things so deeply. It throws him off his game. I'm not at all suggesting cataplexy is the only (or even primary) reason for that, but I do think there's room for it on both sides of the cause and effect equation.

With or without the cataplexy, I find Moist's relative emotional openness in Raising Steam... really nice. (It's a work in progress. He's still getting a handle on anger.)

Cataplexy just adds another dimension. A physical manifestation of emotional vulnerability, which would have been especially untenable for a teenager on the run. Just one more facet of the real, human, fallible Moist von Lipwig who spent years buried beneath Albert Spangler and all the rest.

Another piece of himself that Moist is growing to understand and accept, as he learns to more comfortably be himself.

The Moist of Going Postal runs into a burning building to save lives without fully understanding why he wants to, and justifies it on the fly as an essential part of the role he's trying to play.

The Moist of Raising Steam mindlessly throws himself under a train to save two children, and then blows up at Harry King about the lack of safety regulations. Freshly traumatized by the murder of several railway workers and his own violent, vengeful response to it, he still offers, in the face of Harry's own grief, to be the one to inform their families. On a long and dangerous journey with plenty of moving parts to think about, he worries about Dick Simnel and the other engineers, and pushes them to take better care of themselves.

He also meets a bunch of kids who nearly derailed a train as part of a childish scheme. His admonishment is startlingly vivid.

"Can you imagine a railway accident? The screaming of the rails and the people inside and the explosion that scythes the countryside around when the boiler bursts? And you, little girl, and your little friends, would have done all that. Killed a trainload of people."

[...]

"I'll square this with the engine driver, but if I was you I'd get my pencil and turn any clever ideas you have like this into a book or two. Those penny dreadfuls are all the rage in the railway bookshops."

Maybe what he is also saying, between the lines, is:

I left home at 14 and began a life of smoke and mirrors. I was empty inside, and I thought everyone else was, too. It was all fun and games, and then a man made of clay told me I was killing people. Nip it in the bud, child. Write books.

------------

*There are studies suggesting that in addition to deliberately employed "tricks," people with cataplexy may experience physiological reactions in the brain meant to inhibit laughter. (Source 1, Source 2.)

Most of the information here is way over my head, but that second link also says "one region of the brain called the zona incerta (meaning 'zone of uncertainty') was only activated during laughter in people with narcolepsy, not in controls. Research on the zona incerta in animals suggests that it also helps to control fear-associated behavior."

The linked article about that (https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-018-03581-6) is also over my head, but I would certainly describe Moist von Lipwig as having unusual fear responses.**

**Narcolepsy is a fun roller-coaster ride of constant scientific discoveries about exactly which parts of your brain are paying too much attention, not paying enough attention, or trying to eat each other.

[ayatakami]

Singer!Reader HCs

feat. Alt MHA bois  Part 2 Here

Pairings: Bakugo x Reader, Sero x Reader, Hawks x Reader, Dabi x Reader, Shoji x Reader, Tokoyami x Reader, Kirshima x Reader Notes: The songs I put at the bottom just imagine them with a fem! singer bc its the overall vibe I went for. There is a part two bc it got pretty long whoops

⇩                                 ⇩                                       ⇩                                             ⇩

Doesn’t openly talk about loving your music or you per se, but owns so much merch of you and your band. I’m talking posters, postcards, albums, shirts, etc. 

Listens to your voice R E LI G I OU SL Y

If he thinks he’s alone then he’ll try to duet some of your songs, convincing himself that you two would make such a great singing duo

UPLOADS DRUM COVERS OF YOUR SONGS AND FREAKS OUT WHEN YOU LIKE/RESPOND TO THEM!!!11

ALWAYS goes to your signings if he has time and when you signed his drumsticks with a heart mans is deceased

Always opts for more of your heavier/faster songs bc this man just needs the fuel to his anger. But on days when he’s really down or feels lonely he listens to your more softer and melodic songs, soaking in your vocals.

Rewatches your music videos and likes every single picture you post. 

Favorite song of yours: Calm Snow - I See Stars

Tells EVERYONE about you and your band, plays your songs on blast and recommends them to everyone. 

Doesn’t really own much posters of you/your band but he does have lots of apparel. (Shirts, beanies, keychains, etc)

LOVES attending your concerts, always gets front row seats to see your pretty smile. 

This dude man, he has pictures of you two on his page from every concert/meet and greet/ signings/etc that he’s ever attended. Like so many you know his name now. 

He’s more drawn to your easy-going, light vocals type songs 

But isn’t afraid to listen to your heavier stuff

Mans STREAMS your music videos and loves making edits of solely you

Favorite song of yours: Silence Speaks - While She Sleeps

SIMPING FOR YOU!!!! HE EVEN HAS A BODY PILLOW OF YOU IM--

Several posters, photos, stickers, albums, you name it he has it

Brings you lots of gifts to each backstage concert bc yk he buys that VIP shit

He will absolutely DIE if he sees pictures of you wearing an expensive necklace he gifted you or any sort of jewelry

Hangs out and talks to you so much that you guys actually become good friends!!

I feel like he would lowkey make fanfics about the two fo you. You cant tell me he wont

Has an ALT ACC WITH THIRSTY EDITS OF YOU!! Calls you his baby bird/dove/songbird/etc

I also feel like Hawks plays guitar or bass and he would def make covers or even collab with you bc yall besties now

Mans has a tiktok account and will def post videos of yall singing together 

Although he’s a really chill guy I feel like he leans more towards your slower songs that hit harder than the others

Favorite song of yours: The Fear Of Letting Go - Too Close To Touch

Being a villian and all, you know he cant come to your concerts/events but he damn well tries to. 

Doesn’t own much merch of yours as he accidentally burnt a poster he had of yours after a certain incident (he felt really bad bc he got mad)

I feel like he would def have a funko-pop or figurine of you on his desk

Loves jamming to your songs (blasting it so loud in his room that its literally shaking in there LMAO)

Watches ALL of your music videos, streams and BUYS YOUR MUSIC TO SUPPORT YOU HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH

Sings along with you omg even tho it hurts to reach your high notes

Thrives off of your more aggressive songs especially the one where he can feel the pain in your voice over whatever subject or whoever you were singing about

Definitely wishes he was that ex you sung about LMAO

Why can I see him punching drywall to your songs bc hes so into it LMAOOOO

Favorite song of yours: Crooked Smile - Too Close To Touch

One of the bois who don’t talk about their love for you super much, but instead is a closeted fan!

Watches your music videos on REPEAT, knows the lyrics to all of your songs

Whenever you smile at the screen or do something cute, he is STRUCK with love

Binge-watches all of your interviews/funny moments/etc, just loves getting to know you and seeing all the sides of you that isn’t the perfect singer that everyone sees

He does attend your concerts/events but he stays in the back for he doesn’t want to scare anyone or you with how he looks like

Why can I see him running an appreciation blog like-

Posting about your cute smile or laugh and he’s internally panicking bc you mentioned his blog in your latest interview saying that seeing all the kind things he posted about you made your day whenever you were down

Prefers the slower, melodic songs or where you’re just messing around

Favorite song of yours: All I wanted - Paramore

Have you SEEN THIS MANS ROOM

Like there is no doubt in my mind that he has posters covering every inch of his wall. Limited edition posters, signed posters, you name it he has it

Doesn’t really talk about you but if he knows his friends also listen to you, then he will def rant about you

“Hey Tokoyami have you heard _’s new song yet-” Man has bags under his eyes bc he streamed that song so many times last night listening to it on repeat. When the music video dropped he shared that shit on all of his social medias.

Def does covers of your songs, it fills him with joy when you repost his covers on your account with a nice message ‘You’re so talented omg!! <3 <3′ 

Also to me he would be the type of guy who posts lyrics in the comments if there isn’t any and would def go into detail about the lyrics meaning and such

Has a jacket full of patches of your band logo and album covers

He’s met you on a few occasions and he’s more than happy to stop and chat with you. Although he doesn’t go into full fan mode with you around, he respects you and instead asks about your day and such

Has no preference on your style, just that its you singing

Favorite song of his: Dance Macabre - Ghost

[laviefantasie]

Your Biggest Fan | L.P.

Pairings: Alive!Luke Patterson x Alive!Reader

Summary: An obsession that became a friendship and flourished to love. That’s the story between Sunset Curve’s lead singer and guitarist Luke Patterson and Y/N Y/L/N.

| MASTERLIST |

Sunset Curve was the boy band of the moment. Luke, Alex, Reggie, and Bobby were everyone’s dream boys. What started as a small band playing on the garage of their best friend, Julie Molina, ended up with millions of fans all over the world as they tour it.

It started as a dream and a small group of friends. Julie helping the boys with the band management while Carrie Wilson, Bobby’s rich cousin, designed all their outfits. It had been the six of them at the start.

But their fame grew and things were asked of them. The boys soon started homeschooling and Julie’s mom, Rose, took over the management of the band.

Julie and Carrie stayed behind as the boys grew busier and that’s when they met Flynn and Y/N.

The four of them became best friends in no time and soon they stopped missing the boys. They chatted from time to time with them but they were okay with them not being there.

Of course, Y/N and Flynn had no idea that the two teenagers were Sunset Curve’s best friends. It had been a silent agreement between Carrie and Julie that they didn’t need to know, especially since Y/N was probably their biggest fan.

Not the normal ‘I love you’ kinda fan but the ‘I’ll kidnap you’ kind. It was okay, they thought it was hilarious but it was definitely better if she didn’t know.

But soon the girls found themselves in their junior year of high school with the news that Sunset Curve was coming back to LA and to Los Feliz High School.

Carrie and Julie walked with dread around the hallways of their school as soon as they received the call from Carrie’s father, Trevor Wilson, stating that the tours had been paused so that the boys could have their last year of high school with the full experience.

They were gonna spend their senior year with them at their high school. As much as the girls like the idea, they dreaded it. But it was happening.

“JULIE! CARRIE!”

The yell of Y/N had both girls flinching as they knew the reason behind the excited scream and the smiling Y/N pulling an annoyed Flynn across the hallway towards them.

“Did you hear?! Do you know?! Can you believe it?! This is so exciting!! We’ll meet, it’ll be love at first sight!! I cannot believe it!! It’s destiny! This is the—”

“Y/N! Honey, I love you but you need to calm down” Carrie cuts her off.

“We need to tell you something” Julie starts while sharing a look with her blonde friend, “We actually kno—”

“CARRIE!/JULIE!”

The scream of the girls’ names has everybody in the hallways turning their gazes towards the sources, everybody gasping as they see the boys of Sunset Curve in all their glory.

Y/N let’s out a strangled scream as she sees them running towards two of her best friends with huge smiles.

Carrie and Julie share a worried glance before looking at Flynn, the braided girl grabbing the fangirl from her shoulders to keep her in her place.

Soon, the boys find themselves by the four girls’ sides and Y/N feels her legs shake as they hug Julie and Carrie.

“It’s been so long, we have missed you!” Exclaims Reggie while holding Carrie’s stare a while longer than necessary.

The six of them start catching up and it takes a while before they notice the other two girls, but Alex does and soon acknowledges them.

“Hey, I’m Alex”

Y/N’s legs give out and soon Flynn is catching her with a groan, Carrie and Julie looking at their friend in worry.

“Um... this is Flynn and this—”

“OH MY GO—”

Flynn covers Y/N’s mouth with an apologetic smile before leaving with her, despite Y/N’s efforts to stay.

Julie smiles at the boys, “That is Y/N. Our best friends”

“She is a huge fan” Carrie adds.

The boys laugh a little weirded out before proceeding to catch up with the girls they saw as family.

As the days passed, things started finding its way. Carrie once again started making the outfits for the boys and Julie now took over songwriting with Luke.

Y/N, on the other hand, kept going as she always did. She daily updated her Sunset Curve fan club blog, now with better content thanks to actually knowing the boys, as well as followed them around as much as she could.

Things didn’t change too much on her but her friendship with the boys grew. Thanks to being one of Julie’s best friends, Y/N spend most of her time at the Molina’s house and so did the boys.

Movie nights happened a lot and Y/N didn’t faint anymore at the sight of them.

So it got better. But she was still crazy about them and it showed whenever they didn’t give her enough time to control her emotions before going near her.

“Hey, Y/N/N”

A shriek leaves the h/c haired girl before her pretty e/c eyes turn to Luke. All sleeveless-beanie-vans Luke.

“Uh—I.wh—Hi”

If the brown-haired guitarist noticed her stutter, he didn’t mention it. Instead he turns his phone towards her showing her a photo of him while on tour.

“I want to post this on Instagram. Is it good enough?”

One thing the boys had noticed as soon as they got to know the girl was that she was a talented photographer, meaning she had an eye to know which pictures were the best ones.

So, they always asked her before posting something and sometimes even let her post from their accounts.

“I—Uh...”

Y/N stares at the photo intently, choosing to focus on that instead than on the pretty looking teenager in front of her.

“May I?”

The lead singer nods and soon the new iPhone is on her shaking hands. Y/N takes a deep breath before starting to edit the photo as she sees best, making sure to not make it look photoshop but to make it look better.

Once she is satisfied with the results, Y/N holds the phone towards Luke who takes it eagerly. A smile takes over his features once he sees the final result.

“This is perfect. You’re the best”

Whatever Y/N was gonna say is quite down by Luke’s soft kiss on her cheek, the boy leaving without knowing what he had caused on the petite teenager.

Carrie, who was on the locker across from the scene, walks towards her best friend with a knowing smirk.

“You’re gonna faint, aren’t you?”

Y/N nods before letting herself fall, Carrie catching her with a small laugh.

For most of that school year the boys saw Y/N as the girls’ best friend and a fan, but not really as a friend. They didn’t really know her.

But after half of the school year they each got to have their fair share of moments with the young girl.

For Reggie it was in one of his darkest moments. The leather jacket lover was being surrounded by a bunch of fans on a trip alone to the beach, it would’ve been okay any day but that day was the anniversary of his parents’ divorce and he couldn’t take it.

So he ran. He ran as far and as fast as he could from them without noticing the curious glance of e/c eyes, without noticing the one person who didn’t stop following him.

He stopped until he thought he was alone and hid from sight, breath short and heart plummeting in his chest. He stopped because his chest started to hurt and his vision became blurry. It soon became harder to breathe and the weight of his body became too much.

He felt his legs give in but before he could fall soft arms went around his waist helping him sit down softly.

He couldn’t see who was the person helping him but he could hear —barely— the soft murmurs on his ear. Was it singing? He didn’t know but it helped soon calm his racing heart allowing him to breathe better.

He didn’t know how much time passed before his vision cleared up and the feeling of suffocation subsided, but it did and he finally saw his holder.

“Y—Y/N?”

The boy’s voice sounded softly, like a whisper, and weak. It was as if he had been lost and had finally found his way home.

“It’s okay, Reg, it’s okay” she softly states, “You had a panic attack but it’s okay now”

Reggie nods slowly before hugging her closer, needing the feeling of loneliness to subside too. And it did. Because she was there.

She didn’t have to be but she was.

They spent a lot of time there just sitting together and talking about random things, never did Y/N burdened him as she normally did and she didn’t questioned him on the reason behind the attack.

All she did was offer a shoulder and a distraction, and that meant the world.

That’s why when Reggie got to the apartment he shares with the other boys he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.

“Reggie!” Exclaims Luke before hugging him, “Where were you man? We were worried”

Alex and Bobby take their turns hugging the bass player before looking him over for any sign of injuries.

“I am okay, I was with a friend”

After that Reggie always sat by Y/N’s side in class, helped with anything he could for the blog she constantly worked on, and —sometimes— went to the beach with her.

It helped Y/N’s fangirl side control itself, especially since she started seeing him mainly as a friend.

Bobby’s realization of the value of her friendship was different. It happened after a concert the band had in a small cafe on the neighborhood, they were trying to get back to their roots.

The rest of the guys were surrounded by screaming fans as soon as they got off stage. Him, on the other hand, was ignored as usual.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t good looking nor the lack of talent. He just didn’t shine as much as Luke, Reggie, or Alex. And it was okay most of the time, but that night he really felt left out and angry.

At least he did until he saw Y/N in front of him.

“Luke’s over there”

A blush soon covers the teenager’s cheeks causing Bobby to smirk. It was not secret which band member was the one that could make the girl’s cheeks turn a crimson color.

Y/N shakes her head and soon straightens her Sunset Curve crop top before clearing her throat.

“I was... uh—Could I have an interview?”

Bobby furrows his eyebrows, “Wouldn’t you rather interview Luke?”

Confusion settles on the small girl’s face as soon as the words leave the rhythm guitarist’s mouth.

“I thought... did you write the music for this set list?”

He nods and she smiles.

“Then I don’t want to talk to Luke, he gets enough praise already” she assures him “I’m more interested in the process of the making of the melody, can you answer some questions?”

He nods again and soon she starts questioning him, he answers her while watching her in shock. No one had ever minded nor acknowledged his part in the songs.

Y/N did. And every question she asked demonstrated she knew of every single one of his contributions.

She must’ve noticed his demeanor because she put her things away and to smile sweetly at him.

“I’m not the only one that knows what you do, Bobby” she states “Sunset Curve wouldn’t be Sunset Curve without you”

That’s all it took for Y/N to have Bobby by her side, sitting by her every class he could with Reggie. The girl being a stuttering mess at the start but soon finding ways to converse with both rockstars.

Bobby considered her a friend. A friend not because she was family, like Carrie, nor because she was Luke’s best friend, Julie. A friend because she saw him, she saw his value.

He had never been enough but whenever she talked with him about the band with that glint in her eyes he saw he was.

For Alex it was in an entire different environment. The h/c haired beauty saw the blond drummer on an LGBTQ+ parade, both surprised to see the other one there.

The drummer started stuttering trying to find a way to explain the reason why he was there when Y/N just smiled and told her she was bisexual. She even joked about a small fling she had with Julie during their sophomore year.

Alex smiled in relief when she didn’t question him and instead offered to join her as her support. She was giving him the perfect excuse for his presence there, acknowledging he was not ready to voice the truth.

“Thank you” he finally says.

All she does is smile before grabbing his hand and taking him to a group of skaters, mainly towards a long brown-haired on with a rainbow colored skateboard.

“Hey, Willie! I want you to meet a friend of mine”

The three of them talked until morning about their feelings. About how hiding the truth felt like drowning, like living a life that wasn’t theirs to live.

It was like a breath of fresh air for Alex. Talking to someone who understood, someone who had been through their own experiences, it made him realize that his parents’ approval wasn’t worth not being happy.

And happy is what he was choosing to be, especially after Willie gave him his number with a kiss to his cheek.

He walked Y/N to her house in silence after. Both of them with soft smiles on their faces.

“I just don’t want anyone to change the way they see me” he admits “I’m still me”

“You’re still you” She agrees and he nods “Nothing changes, Alex. I still have a crush on you, I just now know I have zero chance”

He laughs, vivid and happily, before hugging her tightly. Next Monday, Alex and Y/N spent most of their time together gossiping about every latest news the teenager girl had.

The girl still froze at first contact with either of the boys but after a while she could hold on normal conversations.

With Luke it was different.

Luke had been writing on Julie’s garage the next song for Sunset Curve, the one he had been having trouble with for the last week, when Y/N ran into the studio.

“I’m here, Julie! You ready for Calcul—AAAHHHH!”

Luke’s hands fly to his ears as he hears the girl’s loud scream. Y/N only stopping when she feels her lungs give in.

“Uh—Wh—I jus—Julie?”

He chuckles while closing his songbook, “Jules is not here. Left to go get Carlos from his baseball practice”

“Oh”

An uncomfortable silence soon settles between them, a silence cut off as soon as the sound of the teenager’s phone taking a photo makes them both look at one another.

“Oh... Oh! Thought I had it in silence” she laughs awkwardly “It’s... uh, for the blog”

He nods with an awkward laugh before opening his songbook once again. He had better things to concentrate on than Julie’s best friend.

Don’t get him wrong, he liked her. He thought she was funny and nice but she was just too much sometimes and he couldn’t handle it. Especially not now when he had a song to worry about.

“What are you doing?”

Her question has him gazing at her for a moment before settling once again in his unfinished lyrics.

“Just writing a new song”

An excited squeal leaves the h/c haired girl and soon Y/N is by his side reading his lyrics through his shoulder.

He shudders once he feels her breath in his neck and he soon turns to look at her, admiring her features as she reads the lyrics carefully.

“What if you... scoot over”

She doesn’t let him answer and is soon pushing him to sit besides him on the piano’s bench, ignoring his protests.

He is about to ask her to let him be when her fingers starts moving through the keys, the melody he had thought for the song —the one written on his songbook— was playing through the studio.

With some little —yet good— changes.

“A piano intro would be great. And then...” she explains before starting to sing softly, “Sometimes I think I'm falling down, I wanna cry, I'm calling out for one more try to feel alive”

Luke’s eyes widen as he hears her soft but powerful voice. He didn’t know she could play, much less sing.

And, wow, she could sing.

“And when I feel lost and alone I know that I can make it home....”

She stopped singing as she saw the empty space on the verse and just as Luke was about to explain the lack of progress she started playing once again.

“Fight through the dark and find the spark. Life is a risk, but I will take it”

“Close my eyes and jump” he adds as she stops, “Together, I think that we can make it”

They look at one another before harmonizing together the end of the verse that he had written down, “Come on, let's run”

She stops playing with a huge smile and both laugh in excitement, both slowly stop laughing without tearing their gazes apart.

A soft blush soon taking over Y/N’s features as she sees the way he gazes at her as if trying to figure her out, which he was. How come he didn’t know she could write, sing, and play like that? How come he didn’t actually know her?

The moment, though, is interrupted as Julie walks through the doors of the garage apologizing to Y/N for being late and then taking her to her room.

Never noticing the curious and amazed expression on the guitarist’s face.

Soon the four members of Sunset Curve were in awe of the obsessive fan who annoyed them as much as she could, soon she didn’t truly annoyed them.

The rest of the boys’ senior year was spent amazingly with the girls, but the year ended and the boys had to go back to prioritizing their band while the girls did their senior year.

They all FaceTimed a lot. They tried to stay in contact as much as possible during that year, especially Carrie and Reggie —since they started dating a few months before the boys graduated—, but they were all pretty busy. Even Y/N who was still daily updating the band’s blog.

Experiences happened, lessons were learned, the girls grew and soon they graduated.

Everything changed.

That was the first thing Luke and the boys noticed when the girls moved in with them at their mansion to help with the band while they also attended college.

Everything had changed.

For starters, Julie and Flynn were now in relationships. Julie was dating a boy named Nick and Flynn a girl named Kayla, they both met them during the end of their senior year and had been together since.

Carrie, also, was now wearing her hair shoulder-length and straight instead of the long blonde waves she used to rock before. And she was now doing an internship of a famous designer’s brand that Luke didn’t know the name of.

But who had surprised the four of them the most was Y/N. The girl who the first three months they met her couldn’t stop herself from throwing herself at Luke. The girl who never once started a conversation with them without a stutter. The girl who was the president of their fan club. The girl to used to silently follow them around and admire them.

That girl was gone.

Instead Y/N had seen them, smiled, hugged them as a normal friend would, and left with the girls to get settled.

No screaming, no blushing, no overload of excitement.

Totally normal.

In worry, the boys had cornered Julie as soon as she had left her room to start questioning her on the abnormality. Julie laughing as soon as she sees the worry in their eyes.

“She’s no longer the teenager you met, guys. She still loved your music but she’s over you” she chuckles “She’s okay. She’s even dating now instead of waiting around for one of you”

The boys look towards one another in disbelief, Luke’s face falling a little after Julie’s words. She was over him? Why wasn’t he happy about it when that’s all he had wanted since he met her?

The answer to his question was answer soon.

Her being able to talk to them without fainting meant she spent more time with them. It meant she was spending more time with Luke.

Both of them would spend most of their nights on the music studio in the boys’ mansion writing songs and making melodies. They would play around in every break and they would laugh as loud as their voices allowed them to.

It was new to Luke. Being that comfortable with someone that wasn’t the boys or Julie and Carrie, being that comfortable and at peace with someone he met after he gained fame.

He didn’t connect with people as much as he used to since his life changed.

But he connected with her. He had connected with her since that afternoon at Julie’s garage when she showed him a part of her she never really showed.

And he never wanted to stop connecting with her.

That is why when they all went to the beach together he spent most of his time by her side, he loved the random conversations they could make and the way she would scrunch her nose while she laughed.

He didn’t understand what he was feeling until he went to play volleyball with the boys and turned around to catch a boy talking with her.

A handsome stranger that was making her laugh in the cute way only she knew how.

His fists clenched by his sides and soon he was standing besides her, stretching said guy’s hand and telling him all about her obsessive behavior during her junior year.

He hadn’t meant to be mean or to talk about her as if she was a crazy teenager who shouldn’t be trusted. But that’s what he sounded like.

Because he was jealous.

He hadn’t realized he was until he had already scared the boy off only to turn around and find Y/N on the verge of tears.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. He’s a douche”

“No! You’re the douche!” She takes a step away from him with teary eyes, “Is that how you saw me? A stupid little stalker who couldn’t get over her obsessive crush?”

He stays quiet as he sees the way her beautiful e/c eyes shine with hurt.

“Well, guess what? I’m not stupid anymore because I finally realized the awful mistake that was crushing over you to begin with! I’m over you!”

With those words, Y/N ran off not noticing the stares of her friends as she left. Carrie and Flynn soon running after her while Julie stayed behind with the boys to question his actions.

Actions he couldn’t actually excused. He was jealous and he had hurt her because of that and it wasn’t fair. She didn’t deserve it.

“Luke... how long have you liked her?”

Julie’s question had the green-eyed boy looking at her with surprise before realization settles on him.

He likes her. He’d maybe even go as far as say he was falling in love with her.

“I... I think since that day at your garage”

Julie stares at him in confusion not knowing what time he was talking about but he knew. And that’s all it took for him to grab the curly-haired girl’s hand and ran off with her.

Reggie, Bobby, and Alex scream at him questions at his sudden actions —even Julie does as she is being pulled— but he doesn’t bother answering.

All the answer he gives is pulling out his songbook, Julie’s eyes widening as she realizes what he is planning.

The only way Luke knew to truly express himself was through music and that was what he was going to do. He was going to express his feelings for Y/N through a song.

It took exactly three days to finish the song. Three days in which Y/N spent most of her time in her bedroom trying to avoid running into Luke.

That's why she knew she couldn't do much about Julie coming to get her that day, urging her to get out of her room.

"I'm doing homework, Jules"

"You have more than enough time late" She argues back, "Move, now!"

Her papers are snatched out of her hands by Julie making her scoff, but one look at Julie's brown eyes and she knew she couldn't fight her on this.

With a sigh, Y/N stands up from her seat to follow the curly-haired girl out of her room to the pool.

There they find Carrie and Flynn waiting for them and soon the four best friends start chatting. Bobby, Alex, and Reggie joining them soon. Neither expected the music that started playing through the mansion's speakers.

Everyone looked towards one another in confusion except Julie and Reggie, who smiled at one another as they moved to sit together. The leather jacket boy had been explained everything as soon as Luke thought the melody needed two voices to harmonize with his.

Soon the music is joined by the sound of an acoustic guitar and Luke walks through the door and into view.

Y/N's face shows how confused she feels while all the others start smiling excitedly. Sentiments that grow as Luke starts singing.

“I never thought I would, did it

Never thought I could

I did it like that, did it like this

Did it like everybody knows"

He starts walking towards her with a shy smile, the meaning of the lyrics have his palms sweating and his heart racing.

"That we got something real, shorty

I know what I feel

So shout it like that

Shout it like this

Listen up, everybody knows

But you, so here it goes"

Before he is close enough to hear her, Y/N turns her face towards Carrie with a small smile full of disbelief.

"He likes me"

It's a statement and Carrie knows that, yet the blonde beauty still smiles happily while nodding before moving to sit by Reggie's other side.

"'Cause I never really noticed

Took a while for me to see

Playing back the moments

Now I'm starting to believe

That you could be at the show and know every word

But it's you who makes me sing"

Luke kneels in front of her giving her his best smile, a smile she returns sweetly.

Alex smiling alongside Flynn in excitement because of the scene that was unfolding in front of all of them.

"And I know where we are and I know who I am

Baby, I'm your biggest fan, oh"

Luke stares into her e/c eyes, remembering the first time they met and the way he had been weirded out by her internal fangirl moment. But then, somehow, things changed. One day he just didn't see her as that weird girl anymore.

"Every time you smile for me

Takes me a while to bring myself back

'Cause you're all that

And I just had to let you know"

Y/N stares at his bright green eyes remembering the first time he met the real him, not the one she met through her phone's screen but the real with imperfections him.

"That I'm screaming out in the crowd for you

I can't be too loud but I don't care

I let 'em all stare

I just want everyone to know

The truth, it's only you"

Carrie and Reggie share a look full of love, both remembering when they were just best friends and how hard it had been for the both of them to finally admit their feelings for one another.

"I never really noticed

Took a while for me to see

Playing back the moments

Now I'm starting to believe"

Alex smiles as he sees the huge smile on Y/N's face. To think that a year ago she had been the one to introduce him to Willie, who was now his boyfriend, and now she was here being serenading by one of his best friends, his brother even.

"That you could be at the show and know every word

But it's you who makes me sing

We may not know where we are but I know who I am

Baby, I'm your biggest fan"

Luke's playing falters as does his confidence, which everybody notices. Everybody around them soon screaming words of encouragement.

"Don't stop now, Luke"

"Yeah, sing it!" adds Reggie after Julie.

Luke looks unsure but one look at Y/N's hopeful face has him continuing the song. By rapping much to everyone's surprise.

"You showed up and you looked so classy

Made me think twice 'bout the way I was acting

You were real from the start of it all

Like a dream came to life, now I'm left in all"

A blush soon covers Y/N features and her face soon go to cover her face as her smiles becomes too big to hide.

Her all-time crush was seranading her a song that confessed his feelings for her, this had to be a dream. What were the odds?

"A stars shine but your light is the brightest

Love flies but your love is the highest

You're so sweet that it drives me crazy

A summer like no other, you're my L.A. baby"

Flynn joins Julie in snapping her fingers to the rhythm as the curly-haired girl keeps singing harmonies with Reggie for the brunette rockstar. Alex and Bobby soon joining in.

"I never really noticed

It took a while for me to see

(took a while for me to see)"

Everybody smiles as they see both of their friends stare at one another with so much love. This had been coming for a long time, they all knew it.

They knew it since the small talks became lingering gazes between one another.

"Playing back the moments

Now I'm starting to believe

(starting to believe)"

He couldn't believe he was actually as lucky as he was. He was falling for a talented and passionate girl who wasn't ashamed to let everyone know what she thought and felt.

He just hoped he was lucky enough to have her love him back, because if she said she felt the same he knew it wouldn't be because he was Luke Patterson, Sunset Curve's lead singer, but because he was Luke, the guy she wrote songs with from time to time.

"That you could be at the show and know every word

But it's you who makes me sing

And I know where we are and I know who I am

(I know who I am)"

Y/N lowers her gaze as she feels her eyes get a little teary with emotion. Having heard the words he had said about her the other day had hurt her deeply, but now he was letting her know exactly what he felt.

He was letting her see his soul. He was being vulnerable with her. He was telling she was worth being vulnerable.

"Baby, I'm your biggest fan, oh

Baby, I'm your biggest fan, oh"

As the song comes to its end, Y/N wipes the smile from her face to stare at her with a curious gaze. She knew how he felt but she still wanted him to actually say it.

"'Cause you could be at the show and know every word

But it's you who makes me sing

We may not know where we are but I know who I am

Baby, I'm your biggest fan”

Silence takes over all of them, Y/N raising her eyebrow to let Luke know she was expecting more than just a song.

"Oh!" He exclaims before proceeding to get rid of the guitar.

Reggie reaches for it before hurrying him to speak making Y/N let out a small laugh at the sight before becoming serious once again.

"I... Ju-I want you to know... Y/N, I..."

She looks at him with furrowed eyebrows as he stares at his hands for a moment to gather his thoughts.

Finally, he grabs her hands in his before staring into her eyes. Green and e/c meeting with many emotions swirling through them.

"I like you, Y/N. I have for a while, but I do" He states, "I like the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh, the way you can't stop yourself from singing along to all of our songs, how you always go out of your way to help the people you care about, I..."

He takes a deep breath, "Even the moments when you acted all crazy, I love those moments. Heck, I think I may love you. I just want to-"

Y/N's right hand finds her way to Luke's mouth, a smile overtaking her features while a deep crimson resides on her cheeks.

"Take me on a date first, okay?" he nods silently, "But, uh, I think I may love you too. And not Luke Patterson, I think I may love Luke"

That's all he need to hear before hugging her close to him as his friends cheer them on. He would take her on a date and they would see how things moved on from there.

But for now this was enough. They were each other's biggest fan.

[emotions-ew]

A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus,  and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman. 

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile 

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces. 

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists. 

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world. 

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists. 

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

-        The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

-        Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

 Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of 

 Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer. 

 All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be. 

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

-        Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

-        Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

-        Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

-        Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

-        Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

 Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

-          Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

-          Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

  How do I Get There; Deana Carter

-          This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

[torikaku]

Hello there! Can i request hc of Cater with a celebrity childhood friend s/o. Like Cater is their no.1 fan that is always changing his magicam profile pic whatever his s/o has a new photo magazine release. If you dont feel like writting this feel free to ignore. If you do, thank you so much!

You didn’t mention namely what a celebrity Reader is, so I decide to write them as some kind of an idol.  

There's a brief mention about Cater's possible crush on Reader, but I didn't develop this idea further, so if you want, you can imagine their relationship whether as a platonic or romantic one.

​​​​

Due to his father's work, Cater has to move together with his family. Every time he goes to a new class and meets new people, he has to say goodbye to them, when he has to move away. Thankfully, there are many social media and messengers, he can keep in touch with them.

When Cater transfers to a new class in a new city, again, he meets you as his classmate. You two quickly find a common language. He finds you friendly, open and funny. You easily attract people.

What makes you even more popular among your classmates is that you can sing beautifully at such a young age. You perform songs at every performance your school holds. 

You love to hear Cater's small stories about his life, especially how many times he moved to different places. It's sort of your dream — to have the possibility to visit different places and perform with your songs to make people happy. 

You two often make a visit to each other, Cater prefers to go to your place though, so that his older sisters don't bother you two.

The walls of your room are filled with posters of your favourite singers and bands. Cater and you, sitting in your room, look through various magazines with celebrities, which you have and some of them that Cater brings to show you. Just like you, he finds the beauty of these celebrities and their sense of fashion fascinating.

If you happen to be in an acting class, you can be sure that Cater will often visit your rehearsals. If there is a performance, he will be the first one who buys the tickets. He even tags along his sisters to show them how cool you are. 

Probably, the way how highly Cater thinks about you makes his sisters realize that Cater may have some feelings toward you. He brushes away their teasing. You two are good friends, and you like to spend time together, and it's the most important. 

Cater begins to understand his sisters' words about you, when it's time for him to move away with his family. Again. You two spend the whole night crying and cursing the world how unfair the situation is. Cater has finally found a close friend, and now he has to leave them. But it can't be helped. He promises to message you every day and visit your city during the school holidays (well, when he gets older enough to do it alone).

Times passes, but you two still keep in touch. You share your success with Cater. During one of the video calls, you tell him that soon you will debut as an idol, since you were lucky to find an amazing producer, who did justice to your talent, which means that all of your efforts are not in vain. 

Since he has a lot of subscribers in his MagiCam account, Cater writes a post dedicated to you for them to give you a lot of support because you're so talented and deserve all of their attention and love.

After your first and successful performance as a new idol, you thank your audience that has come to see you and especially you thank one special person that always supported and believed in you who presents here, in the hall, among the audience.

​​​​​​​​

Cater is your number one fan and stan. He buys all merchandise and albums to support you and all magazines in which you happen to appear. He brags about his purchases in his MagiCam account by posting many photos of magazines and posters that depict you. 

If there's a possibility, Cater visits your concerts. Otherwise, he just live streams of them. 

You invite Cater backstage to see him as a guest. These are rare moments when you two can talk to each other in person. You two make a lot of photos/selfies to capture these moments. Probably, other fans will be envious, if they see these photos, so Cater treasures them to himself. 

If he happens to study already in NRC, the whole Heartslabyul dorm knows about the idol, Y/N, who has stolen Cater's heart. If there are other fans in the dorm, Cater can fanboy together with them.

[anasticep]

Why Julie and the Phantoms is a masterpiece of a show. Part 2. Heroes and Villains or Let that foil shine

NOTE: Thanks again for your kind response to Part 1. I never expected that. It being my first tumblr post and a first meta in quite a long time I was blown away. I read all the tags, some were really hilarious. About having more than one brain cell xDDD I laughed so hard. It means a lot.

NOTE2: Please remember that the gifs are made by me, so don't crop, edit or give as yours.

Part 1.

Before diving into meta, I have to mention that the Villain of the story is actually one of the best in the decade. He’s cool, evil from the start, we understand his motives and we certainly are not supposed to love and make excuses for him. The writers made sure of that. So back to the main topic.

A foil is a character who contrasts with another character; typically, a character who contrasts with the protagonist, in order to better highlight or differentiate certain qualities of the protagonist

Foils in literature are not necessarily antagonists. A friend can be a foil or sometimes even a thing, a song. Whatever can make a good and real contrast to the protagonist. But it’s not very simple to use this author’s device and not fall down a deep hole. Because you have to make sure you did just the right amount of work to make it understandable for a reader, the things you want to contrast are definitely there and still you don't waste a character. On TV it can be even harder given limited air time. And, well, I don’t come across this device being used in full very often nowadays. It’s usually good and evil fighting for the plot. That’s why I personally appreciate JaTP so much.

Caleb is clearly a foil to Luke. As much as I’d love to say that Julie also has one, that’s not entirely true, at least not this season. Carrie is not her foil though it may seem so, and I really think that’s cool as Julie’s journey is being presented through her own demons and I'm going to cover that next. That being said, of course Caleb doubles as an antagonist plotwise, but I personally consider him being written more as a contract to Luke so we could see and appreciate his character and journey better.

1. Origins

Caleb and Luke have extremely similar backgrounds. They are both natural performers. They know how to deliver, because c’mon, “Now or Never” is something and so is “The other side of Hollywood”. Stage is their natural habitat, their element, power. Although they channel this power from completely different places.

Let’s start with our little ball of energy. It’s emphasized TWICE that he doesn’t care about the money aka the physical side of art.

All Luke wants is to make music. Connect with people. He is so happy just to be heard despite him loving to perform. Making music is what makes him feel alive and basically that’s enough. I think if there was no “hologram” magic at all, Luke would have still been extremely happy to make music with and for Julie. Because that’s the way he is.

But Caleb doesn’t know that. He knows, and I’m standing by that, right away that Luke is the one to aim at. Because we always feel the similarity in people. If Luke said yes, Reggie and Alex would have followed. So Caleb recognizes the passion and shoots at them what he thinks is appealing. And, oh boy, he delivers.

“The Other Side of Hollywood” is a perfect song to emphasize Luke and Caleb being foils for each other. Follow me here:

But these lines come from very different places. For Caleb the only thing that matters is himself. He owns the show, he IS the show. It’s about being famous, drowning in applause, admiration. Look at how he performs. Confident, yes, but still very much in control. He must keep his perfect face. No flaws, no real emotions, no real connection (Did you miss ME? I did too // This band is back). Whereas Luke is simply living the best time of his life each time he performs. Is it just jamming? Bring it on. Doing fun riffs? He’s all for it. He doesn’t care how he looks (though who could deny gorgeous sweaty Luke), he owns the show just because he is a natural.

So back to the business. Caleb immediately puts the boys in his own shoes:

On the other side we live like kings // Your soulprint on the walk of fame on the boulevard of your wildest dreams // I got your glamour, got your gold, got all you’ll ever need

And, I mean, he is not that wrong. You can see the appeal on the boys’ faces. They are young, passionate, handsome, talented musicians. Of course they wouldn’t deny fame. Of course they would want all that to some extent. And Caleb is very sure he pulled the right strings.

Watch me make a move, I’m your number one choice

Also I have to mention, as we are talking about TOSOH (IKEA name again) and it being a foil for Luke, thy lyrics still don’t forget about what is important for Reggie and Alex (we’ll talk about that just a bit later):

Welcome to the brotherhood -> Reggie

Where you won’t be misunderstood -> Alex

Then again, lots of foreshadowing in the song, if you listen carefully the lyrics are stressing the true colors of the offer:

A tomb with a view

Man, what a metaphor. I would have run out of there the minute I heard this line. But our boys share one brain cell (I can’t get over how funny this is) and it’s currently taken by Julie, so I don’t blame them.

Disappointment is huge. Caleb read it all wrong. So we are moving to the next point in our Heroes and Villains essay.

2. Recruitment

It’s very cool that Caleb offers the boys to join his band right after Luke offers Julie to join Sunset Curve. They both are going out of their ways to get that (although have different budgets apparently. But look, they live in a garage). Luke made a hit with a bunch of Julie’s not very well structured lines (I love Flying Solo with all my heart as a song, but as a poem it just looks weird to me) to impress her, and we all saw the show Caleb had thrown to impress the boys. Plus food. And fancy dancing. But here is where contrast comes again.

Caleb offers to join the band, yes, but only as backup singers. It’s his show, remember? It’s only about him. He doesn’t care if they are even good. He wants their magic under control.

Share the spotlight with ME / How do you like MY new band?!

Luke offering Julie a spot in the band is a completely different story. He saw what she is capable of. He instantly knows she must be the key to a new sound, a new level. And he, a natural performer, frontman, lead guitarist, steps back and gives the spotlight to Julie. To think about it, he could have just got her magic under control by giving her simple lines, incorporating piano in the songs and that’s all. They would be visible, he would still be a center of attention, and Julie herself wouldn't mind that much. But that’s not who Luke is. Yes, there is a funny scene of “Hey, I’m your lead singer” and “you don’t have to be mean”, but it’s just messing around. Because right after that he finishes Flying Solo, writes several other songs with Julie, seeks her approval of Sunset Curve songs and basically follows her around like an adorable excited puppy.

Moving on and back to the rejection. Again the writers are mirroring them. Julie quits the band & the boys decline the offer. What does Luke do? Well, he tries the way he knows: books a gig, makes Reggie and Alex sing in perfect harmonies and does his puppy eyes thing. And it doesn’t work. And Luke goes to reflect and then probably try to come up with a plan. But something tells me he would not have haunted Julie until she joined them.

What does Caleb do after the initial rejection? Puts a cursed stamp that leaves them no choice but to join HGC. You don’t need to say more.

But in fact the more I think about it, the more I suspect Caleb also not possessing enough mental capacity for a human being. Like, if it wasn’t for Willie, how would they even know? Has Caleb planned to simply show up one day and casually explain? Look, foils in everything.

“You’re in a tough spot… So, you wanna join the band?” | “Looked like it hurt… you know where to find me”

But we sidestepped a bit.

3. Pulling the strings

After the song Caleb comes out to consolidate his success. What he does is clever and, btw, that’s the only time he becomes Julie’s foil. They are stating basically the same thing.

Again, Julie is concerned about the band and the boys, while Caleb is only concerned about having them under control. But they both are pulling basically the right strings.

What is interesting, Caleb actually impressed the wrong person (and that person is our sweet Reggie). Luke follows the string Julie pulled. Although the offer is tempting, he insists twice that they are in a band already directly to Caleb and then in Eats&Beats he says "It's like Julie said, we have a new band, a new sound». No matter what Caleb promised, Luke is not affected at all although Caleb’s offer is a very-very safe choice.

Speaking about using friends as foils, Alex and Reggie also serve as contrast characters for Luke at some points. Luke’s indifference to money is first stressed through Alex who is clearly the chief accountant for the band. His lines about not getting tips, living in a garage and «it’s a little bit about the money» are waved aside by Luke. Reggie is clearly the most affected by the whole Bobbie thing. His lines «I don’t care what Julie said, I’m glad we scared Bobbie», «So we’re gonna forget about getting back at Trevor?» are getting a clear contrast by Luke’s «It’s what Julie said, we have a new band, a new sound» and «He has to live with that guilt».

While editing the article I realised a very cool thing I haven't noticed before. How badly Luke wants to go on tour. And again that's another thing Caleb offers as if reading his mind. That's actually brilliant, to think about it.

Caleb is a VERY good reader. He tests the waters with a speech about disappearing from stage and going around the world and all dreams coming true. Still he doesn’t know the boys and especially Luke, so his phrase “no real connection” doesn’t register that much.

But he learns. Remember the lines I’ve marked before?

Reggie is afraid they will not be together after they cross over. He is in desperate need of a family. So wouldn’t it be nice to spend the rest of your afterlife with your brothers? (Reggie's main insecurity is loneliness, feel of a broken family. That's why he is the most concerned about crossing over. Will his family stay intact?)

Alex is insecure, and not being understood by the people closest to him will always hit hard. So welcome to a place where you won’t be misunderstood. And actually we know there is a guy you like and find comfort in. (Alex's insecurity is growing up in times when he could not truly be himself even with his family and for sure not believing he would ever be able to find someone meant just for him)

That mirrors the whole Luke’s beach speech perfectly. Only comparing them we can truly appreciate why Luke is the leader. He shuts down his own demons to make Alex and Reggie remember that they are not alone (“and I believe in you”. sorry. Olicity fan).

Caleb makes them suffer to get what he wants. But this time he is careful with the words aimed at Luke. Yes, he repeats his words about vanishing and applauses BUT he makes sure that his words about CONNECTION are the key words for Luke. Intense look, calming voice, touching - these are all elements of hypnosis. And Luke is in a daze. (Continuing the parents' thing, for Luke the main insecurity is not managing to connect with his mom. Maybe that's such a big thing for him: through all these people he wanted to find that connection with her)

4. The Hero’s journey

That’s the best part actually but I won’t be saying anything new or that you don’t know. Luke is made of lyrics and music. That’s his soul, heart, that’s the feeling running through his veins. He doesn’t need anything other than that in his life. Playing for eternity is “a gift no musician would ever turn down”. But he actually does turn it down. As well as his dream to go see the world with his band (is there covid in jatp universe?). He is the one who resists the hardest to the pull. Luke, who always has a guitar in his hands, doesn't want to play. Because it’s not only about the music now. He has this amazing girl in his afterlife who was willing to accept them for who they were, helped Luke battle his own demons, eased his pain and made him open up. And it doesn’t make sense any longer without her anymore. “And you’re a part of me now till eternity”.

Caleb, being Luke’s foil, completely misses the whole point of connection. It’s not in his nature. His house band are just recruits (Just so happens you’re in luck we’ve got a vacancy). For Luke his band is his family (We are the only family we ever gonna need). The Connection theme is one of the main in the show. And it’s so cool to show it focused through Luke whose best way of interaction is a touch. But not being able to touch Julie Luke has to find other ways, although it’s not that simple for him. And Julie backs that up: We connect in so many other ways. They literally touched each other's souls. Without knowing she put a stamp of her own on Luke, Alex and Reggie. They’ve never felt loved enough, appreciated enough, supported enough. They’ve only had each other. And Julie’s stamp is love. And for Luke (as well as Reggie and Alex) from now on this girl is worth dying for all over again.

_______

So yeah. I hope you enjoyed it, as I for sure enjoyed writing. There is gonna be a part 3 about Julie and a few honorable mentions of parallels of the Pilot and the Finale (I hope at least to do all that). I’ve also figured very very cool connections in the songs and I can’t wait to share.

Also as I was heavily speaking about The Other side of Hollywood, @catty-words has a wonderful meta on rain metaphors here (sorry for tagging, if you don't want to be tagged), check it out if you somehow missed it. It's super clever.

[kamilah-the-bloodqueen]

The Cafe Pt.2 (Rewritten Barista)

OMG I’m back with the shitty Kamilah fanfiction! I haven’t written for a while - let alone for this series since I took a writing hiatus to focus on my classes so hopefully there aren’t any plot holes and the fic doesn’t suck ass. I’m slowly getting back into my writing but I still have finals (Up until next April 28) but after finals I will be writing more consistently and will finish my current series and WIPs (I will post my WIPs list soon so I can hold myself accountable and also keep track of what I need to work on).

Pairing: Kamilah x MC (Amy)

Word Count: 3682 words (I am trying to write longer fics but I prefer quality > length so I will post when the chapter feel right however I aim for this series chapters to be between 3500-4500 words each) 

Taglist: (I know it’s been a while so if you’d like to be removed from the taglist just let me know - I promise it won’t hurt my feelings that being said if you’d like to be added to the taglist for just this series, my Kamilah x MC taglist or my perma tag - please let me know I’ll be happy to add you if I remember to even tag) @samanthadalton @beautifulandorganized @cloud9in @kwaj115 @hellyeah90sbaby @shows-simp-card @witchesplayatnight

Part I

“It’s...sweet and comforting,” her voice was soft as she spoke, Amy’s cheeks turning very red, “like you.” 

Amy felt on cloud nine, her eyes glued to Kamilah as she watched her walk to her car and speed away like some rich movie character. Amy closed her eyes, replaying the entire scene over and over until the soft jingle of the bell startled her. Zig walked in, his shoulders drooped low as he carried a large duffel bag in his hand as his backpack slung over his shoulder. 

“You look like shit Zig.” Amy jested before walking to him and taking the duffel bag from him, both of them laughing lightly.

“I guess the tides have changed since we went to Hartfeld yeah?” Amy snickered at Zig’s comment, recalling the time she and her friends had gotten so wasted they streaked through the quad only to be caught by the dean on their way back.

“I assume you’re leaving after your shift?” Amy placed his bag down and tossed him his apron, both of them moving to the front counter as Zig examined the cafe. 

“Yeah, we aren’t technically leaving until tomorrow morning but Kaitlyn wanted to run over some of the more technical things with us. I could probably convince them to let you come, you’d definitely spice things up.” Zig waved his hands in the air and stuck his tongue out as Amy tried to glare at him, before breaking into laughter. 

“And who would watch the cafe? The pigeons? Lily?” 

“You’re right, I still feel bad about leaving on such short notice-”

“I’ve got this Zig, trust.” Amy held her head proud as Zig rolled his eyes, making sure Amy saw him. “Jerk.” She nudged his shoulder as a tall handsome man walked in, it took Amy and Zig a moment to realize who he was as he adjusted his tie. 

“Adrian Raines? CEO of Raine’s corporations?” Zig’s head perked up as he approached the register, his suit was a steel grey, his hair a dark brown that resembled a fresh cup of coffee and his smile was so comforting and infectious Amy couldn’t help but smile at him. 

“You must be Zig,” Adrian reached a hand forward, his teeth were so perfect, so straight and white he could have been in a toothpaste commercial, “and you must be Amy. Kamilah recommended this place. More specifically she recommended your special coffee. I had to come see for myself - she said if she had ordered one for me, it wouldn’t have made it to my office.” His voice was soothing, comforting and satisfying - Amy wanted him to read a bedtime story to her.

Amy’s eyes widened as she felt butterflies in her stomach, her palms growing sweaty as she smiled back at Adrian, his deep brown eyes very similar to Kamilah’s without the intensity. Zig gently tapped her shoulder, nodding towards the coffee machine as he rang Adrian’s drink up.

“Oh! Right!” Amy hustled, she was excited that she had two major CEOs trying her special coffee, it was a subtle flex that she found satisfaction in. She leaned back on the counter as the coffee slowly spilled out of the brewer, the strong smell prompting Adrian to turn for a moment before continuing the conversation with Zig. Amy took a moment to take him in, after all, not everyone gets to be within such a close proximity to a major CEO. Amy hadn’t noticed how muscular he was, his posture was so irritatingly straight, his hands were smaller than she expected and she tried not to laugh upon that discovery. His hair was slickly combed back, and his eyelashes were longer than Amy’s and his body complex was just muscular enough to be seen through the curves of his suit but not so muscular as to resemble Dwayne Johnson. 

“This is a solid set up you’ve got for yourself Zig, you should be proud.” Adrian adjusted his tie to be straighter as Zig rolled his shoulders back with a proud smile on his face.

“It took a lot of work but it’s...something I have wanted since college. I’m sure you understand that feeling since you do run one of the leading technology companies in the world, not even just the United States.” Zig folded his hands into his arms as Adrian turned with a soft gaze, a twinkle in his eyes that Amy couldn’t quite put a pin on.

“Well I’ve had years to grow and create a base for myself, with the connections I have in other industries it was really only a matter of money and finding the right people to work with me.” 

“How long did it take you?” Amy finished his coffee off with a generous serving of caramel and stirred it gently as Adrian blinked at her. 

“A long time, I’m much older than I look.” He laughed and Amy couldn’t help but question why he was so vague, he was only 28 years old according to google. 

“You don’t look a day over 22.” Zig interjected as Adrian and Amy held each other’s gaze, Amy couldn’t help but question his eyes, there was something he wasn’t letting on and she could feel it in her stomach. She handed him the coffee and watched his expression change as the warm liquid met his lips. 

“I can see why Kamilah was so intrigued, this has to be one of the best drinks I’ve ever had.” Adrian’s phone rang with drumming that sounded like it was from a revolutionary war movie. 

“Strange ringtone.” Amy remarked prompting Adrian to smile and shake his head. 

“I love the revolutionary war, the fight for freedom will always be an admirable one.” He smiled at Amy before turning to Zig, “I need to head back to my office but I’ll be sure to invest in this cafe of yours, and for you Amy. Thank you.” He reached into his pocket and handed Amy what appeared to be $300. 

“No wait it was just a cup of coffee!” Amy tried to shove the money back into his hand but Adrian had already dashed out of the door, leaving Zig stunned with a smile and Amy baffled. “What the fuck. I will never understand rich people Zig.” 

“I mean hey, it’s a good tip and you need the money Amy. Now, about you watching the cafe, are you really sure you can handle it alone? It’s a tall order.” Zig furrowed his brows as he scanned the empty cafe, his hand reassuringly placed on Amy’s shoulder. 

“It would actually be a venti order, but I’m sure. You need a break buddy, I can see it in your eyes and you should be there for Kaitlyn and her band.” Amy placed her hand over Zig’s as two women walked through the cafe doors. 

“Alright then, now let’s finish the day.” Zig returned to the register as Amy began fixing the women’s orders. 

The day passed by slower than usual, Amy kept replaying her interactions with Adrian over in her mind, with Kamilah’s earlier remark fading as Amy questioned Adrian’s shadiness. 

“That could not have gone by slower.” Zig let out a long sigh and Amy watched the tension leave his broad shoulders as he locked the front door. “After today I don’t have any more doubts about that trip, I need a break.” 

“That’s all I’ve been saying dumbass, go on. You need to pack and I can clean up here tonight.” Amy joked as Zig looked around nervously.

“Amy this place is a mess, we were so much busier. I can’t leave you to do this by yourself.” Zig reached for the disinfectant wipes as Amy smacked his hand. 

“Get out of here and go pack or you’re straight.” Amy wiggled her brows at Zig who took a step back. 

“Oh fuck off. All the tips from today are yours though. You take all the tips or you’re a vampire lover.” Zig winked at Amy who rolled her eyes and pointed towards the door. Zig stopped and patted her shoulder on his way out. 

“Thank you so much Amy. I’m glad you’re working here and I’m glad we were able to reconnect.” Zig and Amy shared a nod in silence before Zig left the messy cafe to Amy. 

“Now it’s just me I guess. Time to play some music.” Amy smiled and pulled her speaker out of her backpack, putting “Sit Next to Me” by Foster the People on and showly shaking her torso to the beat. She held the broom in her hands and started sweeping to the beat of the song, her head shaking to the rhythm as she sang her heart out. She finished sweeping the floor and began washing the blenders and wiping down the counters, stopping every five minutes to dance to the chorus of whatever upbeat song was playing. 

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts. She’s cheer captain and I’m-” Amy swung her hips around, the washcloth in her hands flying through the air as she swayed her head back and forth like a teenage girl. 

“On the bleachers, dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole time.” 

Amy froze like a deer in headlights as she turned to see where the voice came from - Kamilah was standing in the doorway with her arms crossed and a very amused look on her face as Amy slowly lowered her arms in embarrassment. 

“How much of that did you see?” 

“Oh no don’t let me interrupt you, please keep going.” Kamilah smirked and Amy felt a rush of adrenaline run through her. Instead of stopping and apologizing, she found herself hitting the play button and continued singing and dancing like Kamilah wasn’t even there.

“If you could see that I’m the one who understands you! Been here all along so why can’t you seeeeeeee, you belong with meeeee!”

“Standing by and waiting at your backdoor, all this time how could you not know babyyyy? You belong with meeee.” Amy blinked as Kamilah sang with her, the woman's voice was stunning and left Amy speechless as their eyes met in the dim cafe lighting. The way Kamilah’s voice sounded in combination with the low and heated gaze she had on Amy, it felt like she was just reading her thoughts out loud. In a flash Kamilah was standing in front of Amy, their bodies so close Amy could feel the woman’s warmth and smell her sweet scent as the music faded and Amy lost herself in Kamilah’s brown eyes. 

“You belong with me. Have you ever thought...just...maybe...” Kamilah’s voice slowed from a singing tone to a low whisper, she leaned close as the song came to its end, Amy couldn’t help but sing back to her. 

“You belong with me?” She knew it came out shakily, the subtle smirk on Kamilah’s face said it all as they stayed locked in the moment. Amy knew they weren’t just singing to Taylor Swift’s new album, it was unspoken words between the two of them that neither had the courage to previously say. Amy felt her heart speed up, her palms growing sweaty as she waited to see if Kamilah would sing back to her or not. 

“You belong with me.” Kamilah leaned forward to kiss Amy, both of their eyes fluttering shut as the music stopped and time came to a slow. Amy wrapped her arms around the woman’s shoulders as their lips almost met, before Amy’s ringtone blared from her backpack causing Kamilah and Amy to jolt apart. 

Amy rushed over to check the call, scanning the screen and reading Lily’s name made her less annoyed that her almost kiss was interrupted, but still not happy. 

“Hey Lil what’s up? Oh yeah, I’m sorry I let Zig get out early so he could pack so I’m not gonna be home til late tonight. I’m so sorry. Yeah. Oh that’s good, I’m glad! You can def tell me about it later. Yeah? Oh yes I gotcha, I’ll venmo you for the rent once I hang up. Yeah okay goodnight Lil.” 

Amy hung up the phone and opened her venmo, sending Lily the $550 for rent, completely ignoring the fact Kamilah had made her way close to her again. As soon as she put her phone back in her bag, Kamilah turned her back around to face her, the woman’s eyes sparkling in the soft lighting that surrounded them. 

“Kamilah, how did you get in here? We’re technically closed and Zig-” Amy was silenced by Kamilah dangling what appeared to be a copy of the cafe key. 

“I helped Zig fund this cafe, I can come and go as I please, I just prefer to make his life easy and stay out of his way. He said you might’ve needed help cleaning up tonight since you let him go, so I came to help you clean, but instead I found you giving a world tour with no audience.” 

Amy felt a blush crawl up her face, her heart pounding so loudly it rang in her ears as she felt Kamilah’s hand on her arm. She pulled her eyes away from Kamilah’s, unsure of if it was because she was embarrassed, scared, flustered or a combination of all three. Kamilah gently placed her index finger under the girl’s chin, softly pulling her to meet her gaze as she spoke slowly.

“You don’t have to kiss me Amy,” her voice was comforting and lacked the iciness it usually carried, “just say the word and I won’t come to the cafe while you’re here alone.” 

“Kamilah...I...it’s not that...it’s just...” Amy stuttered but leaned forward, unable to reach Kamilah’s lips because of her height. Kamilah leaned down, tracing her index finger over Amy’s throat as their lips softly met. Kamilah slowly took Amy’s lower lip in her mouth, sucking on it and prompting a soft moan to escape Amy’s mouth as she draped herself into Kamilah’s arms. Minutes passed by as their mouths remained locked together, only pulling apart so they could finish cleaning. 

“Come on Amy, let’s get this place clean so you can get home.” Kamilah picked up the roll of paper towels and began drying the blenders and stacking them neatly to Amy’s surprise. Kamilah was a powerhouse, which was something Amy had expected from her since she radiated power like a goddess, but it was her ability to clean so damn thoroughly that confused Amy. 

“Kamilah?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t want to sound rude or anything but-”

“How did I learn to clean so well for an extremely rich person?” 

“Yeah.”

“I wasn’t always this wealthy, and I still prefer to clean my own penthouse since there’s certain ways I like my things placed and kept. The safest hands are our own and I like to be self reliant. Cleaning also makes me feel quite liberated and I keep valuable artifacts in my home that I wouldn’t feel comfortable letting anyone else touch.”

“Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you.” Amy spoke softly as she wiped the last chair down and stacked it. She turned as Kamilah slid her blazer back on and leaned against the door. Amy slung her backpack over her shoulder and grabbed the leftover pastries from the counter but stopped on her way out as she noticed Kamilah waiting for her by the door. 

“You don’t have to walk me home Kamilah.” 

“It’s 1 am in New York. I wouldn’t let anyone walk home alone at this time, besides it’s safer and I don’t think Zig would forgive me if something happened to you.” Kamilah lowered her voice to a faint whisper that Amy could barely make out. “And I couldn’t forgive myself if I let something happen to you either.”

Amy felt sparks up her body as she let Kamilah hold the cafe door open for her, before they both turned to lock it. 

“Well I’ll let you do that since you’re running this place for the next week.” Kamilah took a step back as Amy shakily locked the cafe up, letting out a relieved sigh. She started walking and felt comforted knowing Kamilah was with her, because she didn’t want to walk home alone in the dark despite her earlier remarks. They walked in silence, Kamilah staying close to Amy as they passed by the food bank, Amy tensing as she passed by the same alley that had haunted her ever since she saw glowing eyes that one time. She hastily made her way into the food bank, dropping the bag off with the receptionist and hurrying out the door to get back before anything else could freak her out. 

“Kamilah, how do you know Adrian?” Amy asked as they walked away from the food bank towards Amy’s apartment. 

“I handle Raines Corporations finances. Raines Corporation does all of their financing through Ahmanet Financial and so we’re good business partners but we found good friendship through the years.” There was something suspicious about the way Kamilah spoke, it gave Amy the same feeling when Adrian was asked about her age but she just could not put a pin on why she had this feeling. “Amy? Are you alright?”

“Oh yeah sorry, my mind went off on a tangent.” Amy stopped at the front of her apartment building, she turned to face Kamilah who basically glowed in the dark. The moonlight illuminated her features, her brown eyes shining brightly and her hair shimmering as Amy felt her breath catch in her throat. “Thanks for walking me home..not that I can’t handle myself but-”

“Of course Amy. See you tomorrow.” Kamilah smiled softly, placing a gentle kiss on Amy’s cheek before turning and disappearing into the streets, Amy sighing as she walked through the lobby, getting in the elevator and finally arriving at her apartment door. 

“Hey Amy, how was work?” Lily sat up from the couch, putting her PS4 game on pause as Amy collapsed on the couch next to her. 

“It was alright, I let Zig leave early so he could pack and I was cleaning and totally jamming out and Kamilah saw me but she joined me and we kissed…” Amy giggled as Lily squealed in excitement.

“OHMYGODD what was it like?” Lily perked up like a child ready for a bedtime story, her hands shaking as she waited for Amy to explain.

“Electric. God Lily I don’t even have words for it. My head was spinning and the world just fell away.” Amy swayed back and forth as Lily hugged her. 

“Well maybe you’ll have a date with her soon. Oh, I made beignets tonight, they’re on the counter! Let me get you some!” Lily stood up and rushed away, returning quickly with a beautiful plate of freshly made beignets covered in powdered sugar. 

“I swear you’re the best suitemate ever. Absolutely unparalleled.” Amy bit into one of the sweets, savoring the softness and sweetness of the perfect sweet treat. “God Lily this has to be your best recipe yet!” 

“Girllll no way, I saw this recipe for key lime pie that I’m dying to try this week.” Lily exclaimed as she pulled up the recipe on her phone, Amy taking another beignet from the plate. 

“You should go to a baking school or something Lily. Maybe open a bakery?” Amy suggested as Lily passionately explained the process of baking her favorite desserts. “Maybe you could bake for the cafe?”

“Nah, this is a hobby. I want to finalize my website for my computer business this week. But that’s a nice suggestion.” Lily stifled a yawn at the same time Amy did, both of them laughing at each other. 

“Damn so we’re both two tired dumbasses. It’s 3 am...we should get some sleep.” Lily suggested as Amy realized she’d only be getting a few hours of sleep. 

“You’re right. Do we have any energy drinks in the fridge though? I’m gonna need one before work.” 

“Yeah I bought more redbull and monster so you can take your pick, but I’m gonna crash harder than windows so g’night Amy.” Lily shuffled to her room as Amy did the same - collapsing in her bed and savoring the few hours of sleep she was going to get. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Amy arrived at the cafe 20 minutes before opening time, her bag in one hand and a redbull in the other as she unlocked the cafe. She put her bag down and started the opening process, the redbull slowly kicking in as the time passed by quickly. Just as she finished counting in on the register, the door jingled open and Kamilah stepped through the cafe doors. 

“Good morning Amy.” She smiled at her with those perfectly straight teeth and that damn irresistible smile. 

“Good morning Kamilah, here’s your coffee. Both ways.” Amy handed the cups to Kamilah, their fingers gently brushing during the exchange.  

“Amy...about last night…” Kamilah spoke softly, gently, in a sweet voice that Amy never expected from her. 

“Oh...did...you want to forget it?” Amy’s heart dropped, a deep pain forming in her stomach as she awaited Kamilah’s response. 

“No. I...I enjoyed it a lot.” Kamilah’s tone changed from sweet and confident to a shy and lower voice - was she flustered? 

“So did I...maybe...well if you have time tonight maybe we can do it again?” Amy suggested as she wiped the counter down. 

“I’ll be here.” Kamilah smiled, their eyes meeting for a moment before the jingling of the door interrupted their moment. “See you later Amy.” Kamilah waved as she left the cafe. 

The day passed by achingly slow, but eventually after several strange tik tok orders, a bunch of big wall street assholes and a few sweet customers the cafe was ready to close. Amy began cleaning the cafe, starting with just wiping the blenders clean as the door jingled, Amy turned and expected to see Kamilah - but it wasn’t Kamilah in the doorway. 

[taeslovehandles]

I never meant to target you and I'm sorry you felt that way. You properly tag everything and adhere to the "don't like, don't read" rule. I don't follow you nor you follow, because we simply don't vibe together and that's okay.

But there are posts that are on the more "innocent" side that do represent fat people as a joke and it's like they don't even realize it because it's something so well ingrained in our fatphobic society.

For example, all the characters are having fun except the fat one or referring to someone as "twice his size" (like... If they want to say he's huge, they should just say it, not imply that there's a "right size" for someone to be).

I don't think authors should censor themselves, just acknowledge the role they play in how fat characters are perceived by the community they write for.

-🍓

First of all, since you obviously haven’t blocked me, you could have come to me via direct message. This is not a topic that needs to be brought out into the public eye even more than it already is. I have worked with anons before, I would have been the last person to reveal who you are. You could have made a trash account to message me in dm’s, but since you didn’t, I will reply to you here.

I want to make one thing clear. This will be my last response on the topic. If you do not like me as a member of the community please use the block button and filter me out, because I will stay. I have many friends here, and know that many people enjoy my content. Just because a small handful of people don’t appreciate dark themes in fiction, the contents of which they can easily protect themselves from, won’t make me falter.

Now, I want to debunk this ask because your ‘apology’ actually made me very upset.

I know you don’t mean it when you say you are sorry because you’re backpedaling on what you’ve told your friends and it really rubs me the wrong way. You could have owned up to your mistakes and apologized sincerely like others had but you continue to play victim and excuse your behaviour with tales of your own trauma, projecting your own insecurities onto my blog and thus hating me.

I know for a fact that you despise my blog, especially my writing, because you do not like how “obviously skinny people write about weight gain.”

Honey.

I couldn’t be any further from skinny.

I don’t mind sharing my actual weight, which has actually gotten worse due to COVID. I weigh 490lbs. I am morbidly obese. I have always been morbidly obese. For you to come and be “nitpicky” about a genre you don’t even enjoy? Why are you even reading my fics then?

The way I write about obese people, their struggles with literally everything… that comes from real life experience. I write this to share embarrassing and exhausting daily life tasks I personally struggle with.

A skinny person would never write some of the stuff I do, because they simply don’t know. They don’t know how scary it is to hear the line “we are going to a restaurant.” They don’t know how scary it is to go into that new restaurant, scan the chairs and think “Shit, am I gonna fit? Is the chair gonna creak? Is there enough space for the next table? What if I won’t fit?” A thin person doesn’t have to think this way.

And, let me tell you something else. Yes, I agree. The world is fatphobic.

In one of my recent posts I talked about movies and shows where they make fun of fat people because I hate it. Because it is REAL LIFE. And I am all for the body positivity movement and I do believe that all bodies are beautiful, because they are.

You do not know me personally.

And that leads to my next point. If you personally have issues with the phrase “twice my size”, then that is on you. And guess what? I cannot count how often I’ve heard lines like that my whole life.

“Oh wow two people would fit in one of your pant legs.”

“Wow, you are so fat, I could use your pants as a tent.”

So trust me, I know. I KNOW. But anon, this is the important part for me. Everyone processes trauma differently.

Inked ch3? Or literally any story I have written with a fat character being forced, insulted and talked down to like they’re dumb? That’s what I have been living with my entire life. Most of these stories, some obviously more extreme than how I had experienced them since it’s fiction, have been recordings of trauma I have went through.

My own dad force fed me. Forced me to eat food and gain weight. My first boyfriend was a feeder that manipulated me into gaining more weight and took measurements. Called me pig names and abused me. Hit me, manipulated me into having s** with him and then let all of his fantasies out on me.

I don’t make this shit up. I hate my brain for being so twisted now, that I actually find it hot and arousing. It’s weird. I know, but that’s how it is.

I’ve also never had friends in school. Not even kindergarten. Why? Because my “fat incased body could spread like a virus.” I was being bullied like JK was in Pondus.

I had hot water thrown at me, got glue put on my seats and hair, had my hair ripped out and even got a cigarette burn mark on my arm. Just because I was fat. Just because of how my body was shaped.

I was strangled and locked into a small locker for a night. I was almost killed for running away from my abusive dad from his car and had to listen to things like, “You are going to die when you are 30. No one will ever love you and your body.” That I have trust issues now and am paranoid about everything and everyone.

Those dark stories. I use those dark stories to try to work through my trauma. And yes, it may be absurd to you. It may disgust you, what I write. But sadly, most of it? Most of it really happened to me. To me and other people I’ve talked to as a friend or seen online. Most of what I write will be dark because the human species is made up of terrible creatures.

Fatphobia is an important topic, and I am happy the media has been slowly getting better about it, that people accept us more. But my writing is how I work with my trauma. If I can make fictional characters feel the same things I had to feel, that makes me feel better.

And I’m not hurting anyone with it. So how is it wrong?

I do not support any of this behaviour in real life. I never bullied anyone, I always try to speak up for my friends and tell people if they are being assholes. Because I hate them too and it makes me angry when good people get shit when they do nothing but breathe.

And how @pudgecuddles already said. I don't need you to advocate for body positivity and all that shit when you go out of your way to bully someone that may have experienced the same shit you have. I do not know you or what you went through in your life, but I am sorry. I’m sorry you feel like my stories aren’t okay to write, but this is how I work on my trauma and I need you to respect that.

I’ve said this before. We don’t have to be friends, or even talk to each other.

Just be neutral.

Block me. Filter me out. Pretend I don't exist. But, whatever you do, don’t make posts that call me out while making it obvious you’re talking about me, with the cover that you are advocating against fatphobia. That’s got a name. Cyber-bullying.

Have you hurt me with those posts? Yes you have, but I’ve never wanted bad blood. As you may have noticed, it wasn’t me that made a post. It was my good friend. Because I told her how exhausting it was and she knew about the posts back then.

I have a good idea of who you are.

I remember you.

But I kept my mouth shut. Because this community is my home and the last thing I wanted was for the people who like both of our types of content to feel like they have to choose sides.

In the end, we all rub one out to fat gay boys in a band. No user is better than the rest, and if there are topics you do not enjoy, there is a button for it. No need to drag everyone into it with posts. It’s exhausting and irritating.

Now, I do not accept your apology because you lied to me and I also do not feel like you meant it sincerely knowing what I know now after reading some dm’s. But I also won’t sit here and start shit.

This is my last post about this.

Please block me and enjoy the content you do like.

Nonetheless, I hope you have a nice day and a lovely weekend. Whatever you are experiencing or going through, I hope it gets better. Because even if you hate me personally for creating content you do not support, I’d say that I am a really friendly and nice person.

I do not believe that anyone deserves to be bullied like that and talked down in official posts. It happened before with a friend of mine and you probably remember that I did speak up about it.... But apparently no one learned from it. I really hope this time you do.

Insult me and shit talk me all you want in dm’s, but don’t do it publicly. No one deserves that kind of hate or passive aggressiveness. No one. Since you sound like someone that went through a lot of shit too, you should know better. You should know how it feels to be bullied and what damage it can cause.

I’m already depressed enough and I have bad lows. Let me write my erotica and just enjoy it? That’s all I want? I am a part of this community just like you were. You leaving because you did not like my content, is not my problem. If you cannot block me or ignore it and go so far as to read them and then rant about them negatively, what do you want me to do? I won’t leave the scene just because you don’t like me.

So, you either trash talk me in dm’s from now on so that I do not see it, or you block me. The latter of which would be the more mature thing to do. The more humane thing to do. Because talking behind someone’s back is just as bad.

Again, I don’t know why you felt like it was necessary to send me an ask with lies in it when I got screenshot proof of something else you have said/issues with, so don’t backpedal on me. I know Hun. I know already.

At least stick to what you said and actually apologize or, if you can’t, just block me.

But this ask? This ask just upset me.

Have a nice day.

p.s: The fact that this even needs to be talked about is so absurd and ridiculous to me. The whole thing is a petty party in my eyes that isn't even worth anyone's time? Do people on here really not have any other issues right now or am I in the wrong movie?

[sometimesiwritebadly]

Doctor Agent Super Genius (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Summary: You’re in a band and you wrote a song about Spencer. 

Warnings: Language. 

Notes: Not me going from posting nothing for months to posting two fics in one day. Nope, I’d never do that. Also this is kinda a Dumbass!Reader x Spencer, but like not really. That’s how I started it but it didn’t really end like that so whatever. Fluff, as usual. Spencer blushes way more than any normal person.

Word Count: 2.4k

Masterlist

You and Spencer couldn’t be more different.

Well, that’s not entirely true. You’re the same age, live in the same city. You both like reading and sci-fi. You both listen to a lot of music and love your jobs.

Of course, you can’t agree on any of those things. He reads classic novels in their original languages, and you read cheesy romance books. He likes Star Trek, you like Star Wars. He listens to classical music, and you listen to rock. He’s an FBI agent with multiple doctorates, and you’re a part time bartender/part time lead singer of a not-so-famous band who barely graduated high school. By all accounts, you two shouldn’t work. But somehow, despite all your differences, you’ve been dating for nearly a year now. 

Your relationship really couldn’t be stronger; you live together, you’ve met his mother, he’s met your parents- but there was still one line the two of you hadn’t crossed. Meeting his coworkers. You know that he’s told them he’s dating someone, after all, they’re profilers. They could tell he was with someone after your first date. But for some reason, Spencer was still hesitant to introduce them to you. You tried not to let your insecurities cloud your thoughts, but well, how could you not? Was he embarrassed by you? Did he think they’d judge you for your lack of education and career? Would he break up with you if they didn’t approve?

You’d brought up meeting his coworkers on multiple occasions, of course, but he always had a reason to put it off. 

“We’re all so busy, we’d probably get called off to a case before they even get to know you.” 

“They’re just gonna profile you, Y/N, trust me, you don’t want that.”

“It’s a team bonding thing, I don’t want you to feel left out. Next time?”

So, when you found out the entire BAU was getting a week off after almost non-stop cases for the past two months, you knew this was your chance. You didn’t care if they were going to judge you, or profile you, you wanted to get to know the people closest to Spencer. So, when Spencer came home that night, he was met with you, holding a flyer for your band’s next gig.

~~~

“What’s this?” He asked, taking off his bag and putting it on the ground next to the door. Normally, you’d scold him for that - “There’s a perfectly good hook right there, Spencer.” - but you let it slide this time. 

“Band’s doing a gig at the bar on Friday. And you have this week off, which means you get to come!” You handed him the flyer, and planted a kiss on his cheek as he answered.

“Of course, you know I never miss your-”

“And so can the rest of the BAU!” You cut him off with a sweet, and convincing smile on your face. 

“Honey…” He started, but you wouldn’t let him talk you out of it this time.

“C’mon Spence! We’ve been together for almost a year now! I want to get to know these people, they’re basically your family! What’s the harm in having them come to the bar?” You paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before your next words, “Do you really think they’ll hate me so much?”

“What?” Spencer was shocked you would even suggest that the BAU wouldn’t like you - how could they not love you? “No! They’ll love you!”

“Then why won’t you let me meet them?”

Now it was Spencer’s turn to share his insecurities. “W- I just...you and I are so different,” He started, before you scoffed.

“Yeah, no shit, Spence. Unless you have secret nipple piercings too.” You said sarcastically, enjoying the redness that covered Spencer’s cheeks at the mention of your piercings. 

“Anyways...you and I are really different, and they’ll point it out. And make fun of me. And..and probably make you realize that you could do better than nerdy old me.” Spencer let out a breath at his confession, feeling a weight leave his chest that he’d been carrying for months. 

“Are you insane? Spence, if anyone can do better it’s you!” Spencer opened his mouth to protest, but you kept talking, “I mean really Spencer, you’re a badass FBI agent! You’re a doctor! You’re a genius! Any girl would kill to have a guy like-” Spencer cut you off with an intense kiss. When he finally pulled away, just for a moment, he spoke quietly.

“So Friday, huh? You really wanna meet them?”

“Yes, you idiot. I really wanna meet them.”

~~~

When Friday came rolling around, you were both extremely excited and nervous. On one hand, you were meeting the BAU, who are practically Spencer’s family, and you knew their opinion of you could make or break your relationship. But, you’d written a song this week that you had yet to show Spencer, and you couldn’t wait for him to hear it at the gig. Again, you were nervous for him and the team to hear the song, but part of being a musician is being vulnerable.

You’d been rehearsing the song with your band all week - they were a little mad that you’d wanted to add a brand new song so last minute, but they all agreed it was good enough that it had to be on the setlist - so you hadn’t gotten to spend as much of Spencer’s week off with him as you’d have liked. Hopefully when he heard the song tonight, he’d forgive you for it. 

“Why can’t I go to your sound check again?” He asked you for the fifth time that day, as you were getting ready for your gig. Normally, you’d love to have Spencer at sound check, and he much preferred watching you perform when there wasn’t an obnoxious crowd surrounding him.

“I told you, I have a surprise for you during the show, and if you come to sound check-”

“It’ll be ruined, I know. I was just hoping you’d change your mind.” He pouted, making you almost regret saying no to him. Almost.

“Trust me babe, it’ll be worth it. Go to dinner with the team, and I’ll meet you all at the bar at 8.”

“Are you sure you want to meet them?”

“Yes, genius, I’m sure. 8 o’clock.”

“Okay, 8 o’clock.”

~~~

When you walked onto the small stage with the band, you could immediately spot Spencer and the BAU in the crowd. There was a decent turn out, but Spencer stood out like a sore thumb. At least, he always stood out to you. You gave him a smile and wink, before standing in front of the mic to introduce the band. 

The set started like normal, playing the songs Spencer knew by heart (of course, he only needed to hear the songs once to know them by heart, but it still made your heart soar when you saw him singing the lyrics in the crowd). You noticed the other members of the BAU enjoying the songs as well, which settled your nerves greatly. You saw who you could only assume to be Garcia and Morgan dancing provocatively together, the two other women - probably Prentiss and JJ - dancing modestly together, pausing to talk every now and then. You recognized Rossi from the back cover of his books, enjoying the music with a scotch and a slight bobbing of his head to the beat. The last person, from the process of elimination, Hotch, didn’t appear to be enjoying himself at first glance - but you could see a hint of a smile on his face as he lightly swayed to the music. 

When you got to the final song in your set, you were looking right at Spencer as you introduced the song. “So, this next song is gonna be the last of the night -” A roar of upset came from the crowd, causing you to laugh as you wiped the sweat from your forehead. “I know, I know, I’m not happy about it either guys. But, it is a brand new song, and the inspiration for it is right here in the room.” The crowd grew in excitement this time, looking around at each other as if they could figure out who the mystery muse was. Spencer already felt a blush growing on his cheeks as he realized what your surprise was going to be. “This song is called Doctor Agent Super Genius!” You said with a large smile on your face, as the guitarist began playing the beginning chords. 

Spencer’s blush was even more obvious now, especially since all his coworkers had looked away from the stage and towards him. He only shrugged in response, trying to show that he knew nothing about it. Before any of them could question him, you began to sing.

Most girls go for tall, dark, and handsome

But that’s not how I’d describe you

You’re a little scrawny,

Your hair is kinda funny,

And you’ve got enough brains for two

The music began to build, and you were looking right at Spencer as you sang.

You talk my ear off about random facts

That I don’t give a shit about, but, 

I’ll smile and nod

As you go on and on

Cause I want you to take me out

You laughed a little, then began playing your own guitar along with the lead guitarist before the chorus hit.

You see he’s got 

1 2 3!

PHDs, and he knows exactly what I’m thinkin’ just by lookin’ at me

He knows everything about everything

Especially what to do in between the sheets, hey!

As you played your guitar and did your best to interact with the crowd before the next verse hit, Spencer’s blush had hit an all time high. The team, clearly enjoying the suggestive lyrics and the way Spencer had reacted to them, were now all dancing. Well, except Hotch. He was just laughing at Spencer along with the team.

You claim that you don’t have luck with girls

But I don’t see how that’s true

Cause those ladies are insane if they don’t want an agent

Who’s as fucking cute as you

Yeah, you talk my ear off about random facts

That I don’t give a shit about, but

I’ll smile and nod, ask a question or two,

Cause I’m kind of in love with you

Once again, you played guitar as the crowd got ready to sing along, now familiar with the words to the chorus. Spencer wasn’t looking, but Garcia had pulled out her phone to catch his reaction. (She already had plans to play the video at your wedding one day)

You see he’s got 

1 2 3!

PHDs, and he knows exactly what I’m thinkin’ just by lookin’ at me

He knows everything about everything

Especially what to do in between the sheets

Because he’s got

1 2 3!

PHDs, so he shoulda known better than to be with someone like me

He’ll never forget a single moment of it

I just hope he won’t regret it…

Dear God, please don’t regret it!

Doctor Agent Super Genius,

It’s time to be an idiot and,

Fall in love with me

The lead guitarist had one last moment to shine as the song ended, and the crowd went wild before the band exited the stage. 

~~~

It had been 15 minutes since your show had ended, and you finally made your way out of the back. After a change of clothes, and a small pep talk from the drummer in your band, you spotted Spencer and the team at a table in the back. As you made your way over, you caught the eye of Penelope Garcia, who immediately stood up and pulled you into an unexpected hug.

“Y/N Y/L/N! I am so excited to finally meet you!” She said, letting you go for only a brief moment before pulling you into a chair between herself and your boyfriend. He only got to give you a brief hello before Penelope began introducing you to everyone. “This is Derek, Emily, JJ, Rossi, and Hotch. Oh! And I’m Penelope, your new best friend.” You laughed at her excitement, taking it all in stride.

“Hi everyone, I’m Y/N. I hope you liked the show!” At the mention of the show, Spencer’s cheeks, which had only just begun to resemble his normal skin tone, turned red again. 

“Oh trust me, Y/L/N, that was the best concert I’ve ever seen.” Derek said, laughing at Spencer’s reaction. 

“You did amazing, as always.” Spencer said, glaring at Derek briefly before planting a light kiss on your cheek. This time, it was your turn to have your cheeks heat up. 

“Please tell me you guys have a CD or something I can buy, I mean honestly, I’d be listening to your music even if it wasn’t for you dating the super genius.” Emily said, causing your face to light up.

“We don’t have any physical CDs yet, but all of our music is on itunes and spotify! We’re hoping to put together an album soon, once we record Doctor Agent Super Genius and a couple other songs we’ve written recently…” And you were off, talking about your music was always something you could do for hours. 

As you got to know the team, and they got to know you, Spencer realized how stupid it had been of him to put this off. Sure, you and Spencer were completely different, but you fit into his life perfectly. He could already tell the team loved you, and knew you’d be a part of all of their lives for years to come.

~~~

When you got home after a long night of talking at the bar, you were surprised to immediately be pulled into a kiss by your boyfriend. When he finally pulled away from you, your could only laugh before you spoke.

“What was that for?”

“Doctor Agent Super Genius.” Was his answer, before he pecked your lips one more time.

“Oh yeah? Did you like the song?” You asked, even though you already knew the answer.

“I loved it. Although, you got something wrong.” You laughed lightly, expecting him to correct some grammar or fact from the song. “Falling in love with you wasn’t stupid. It’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done.” You beamed before kissing him this time, pouring all of your love into it as best you could.

“But you were right about me knowing everything. Especially in between the sheets. Care to let me prove it?” He said once you pulled away. 

You happily let him prove his genius all night.

~~~

taglist: @dr-reid-ismyspiritanimal @la-vie-en-amour1 @peculiarinsomniac @andreasworlsboring101 @rexorangecouny @rosyskies

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Parallels | Chapter 9

Add yourself to my taglist! | Here’s my masterlist! | Parallels Masterlist

Characters: OC! Violet Grace Dawson, Luke Patterson, Julie Molina, Carrie Wilson, Bobby Wilson, Reggie Peters, Alex Mercer, Flynn nolastname, Willie nolastname, Nick Danforth-Evans, Dirty Candy 

Guideline: Sunset Universe is the universe in which Sunset Curve is famous and Violet is friends with Carrie, Julie and Flynn. Candy Universe is the universe in which Dirty Candy is more famous and Sunset Curve has broken up. 

Song(s) used: Breakthrough - Lemonade Mouth | This Band is Back - Sunset Curve

Warnings: Bobby raps in this again lol, other than that there’s nothing, I think? 

Words:  5,339

Gif made by the lovely @amazondancewarrior​! 

“Guess what?” Carrie said the second Violet picked up the FaceTime call that morning. 

Violet was sat on the floor in front of her full-length mirror, doing her makeup. She had no idea why she did it, sitting on the floor, but it seemed easier. Maybe it was something about the lighting or the mirror. It was unclear. 

“What?” Violet asked, screwing the mascara wand back on its tube before putting it back in her beauty case. 

Carrie’s eyes rolled back. “You’re no fun! Guess! Guess!” 

Violet let out a chuckle before properly resettling on the soft carpet beneath her and placing her phone on the floor cushion next to her mirror, letting it balance against the gold frame. “Uhm… You’re pregnant!” Carrie’s smile disappeared. “No, okay – uhm… Dirty Candy split up!” 

“Good one, but no…” 

“Can  you give me a hint?” Violet asked. There was no way she was ever going to get this one. 

A smirk tugged at one corner of Carrie’s mouth before she teasingly started to sing. “Luke and Violet, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G–” 

Suppressing a smile and the blush that came along with it, Violet chuckled. “What are you even talking about?!” 

So far, Violet had learned that Carrie was always full of surprises, and this was no exception. That was the one thing different from the Carrie she knew. The Carrie in her universe was sort of predictable. Or that might just be because she had known her for years. 

“Bobby just called me to invite us over to their house for rehearsal today,” Carrie said with a smug smirk playing on her lips. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t technically his idea…” 

An unfamiliar feeling welled up in Violet’s stomach at the insinuation Carrie was making. Luke wouldn’t actually want to have her there during rehearsal, would he? Then again, he couldn’t quite keep his eyes off her during their album launch party. The boy was pretty into her. That just meant her plan was working but Violet wasn’t entirely sure if she was so okay with that now. 

No, she had to be okay with it. She just had to. There was no time for liking someone right now. Any other day. But not now. 

“I hardly think that’s–” as soon as she started speaking, so did Carrie, cutting her off. 

“Babe, this is good! This means our plan is working! We’re going to that rehearsal!” She sounded determined, or at least she tried to be. Violet couldn’t know she was worried about the whole plan now. She couldn’t know she was scared for her best friend who wasn’t technically her best friend. 

Violet hummed. “Yeah… I guess it is!” A nervous chuckle rolled off her lips before she set her sight and mind on something else. “What are we wearing?” she asked, finding her smile and excitement back. 

“Something that says, “I’m very single and you should take me out on a date”!” Carrie shouted excitedly and watched as Violet manoevered from her bedroom floor to the closet. The girl halted in her tracks and looked at her phone screen, deadpanning. 

“Is that a hint, Wilson?” she asked teasingly. 

She witnessed Carrie’s iconic eye roll before diving into her closet with her best friend on the screen in her hand. Everything had changed but that. Violet still felt like she could mess around with Carrie and have the friendship she had with the other Carrie, with this Carrie. It sounded like a big, complicated mess in her head,  but she knew what she was thinking and she knew she was right. 

In the end, Violet opted for a black-and-white checkered bodycon dress over a white T-shirt, paired with black Converse on her feet while Carrie went for a jean skirt and an off-the-shoulder top. They looked cute, they felt cute. It was perfect and even Alex complimented their outfits when they arrived at the Sunset Curve mansion in Beverly Hills. 

The boys guided them around their house, despite Carrie already having been there a dozen times before. Violet hadn’t and Luke was impatient to share a piece of his life with her. They went through hallways upon hallways, from the spacious living room to the cinema room to their very own gym and swimming pool. Their enormous kitchen was Violet’s favorite part, she didn’t know why but it really was until they showed her their rehearsal space in the basement. 

“This is sick!” Violet gasped as she let her eyes wander over every single guitar that hung on the wall and the amplifiers they used in the room. While she wandered around, letting her eyes bathe in the beauty that was the Sunset Curve practice room, Luke watched her like a hawk. A lovesick hawke. 

His eyes were tender as they noticed her every move. He wondered what was going on inside her head and if she was thinking about him too. She probably wasn’t as she was so focused on the instruments, especially the grand piano seemed to capture her interest. The girl let her fingers glide over the ivories. 

“So, if Luke’s done staring at Violet, maybe we can start rehearsing,” Reggie stated, capturing everyone’s attention, but more so Violet’s and Luke’s as their cheeks heated and turned a bright scarlet red. 

“What are you rehearsing for?” Violet asked, dismissing the fact that she was blushing like a crazy person. 

Reggie and Alex exchanged knowing glances before the latter responded to her question. “The Late Late Show.” Violet’s eyebrows knitted together, having never heard of that show ever. “With James Corden?” Alex tried again. 

Violet quickly glanced over at Carrie who subtly stuck a thumb up in the air, letting Violet know that’s a good thing. “Oh!” Violet suddenly changed her demeanor from confused to excited. “Right! The Late Late Show! Yes, I know that show!” 

“What song are you performing?” Carrie asked to change the subject and have Violet off the hook for a moment. 

Bobby glanced at the boys for a moment to see if any of them were going to answer. “We were thinking Livin’ on a High Wire,” he said, “But we’re not sure yet.” 

“Luke has a pretty cool song he’s working on!” Reggie announced. “We might do that one.” 

“I have the lyrics, but I can’t find a good rhythm for it…” Luke said somberly. 

Violet shrugged. “Lemme take a look at it? People say I’m pretty good with melodies and rhythms.” Luke chuckled nervously before reaching for his songbook and opening it on the right page. He placed it on the piano where Violet was standing and pointed at the lyrics. 

“That’s all I’ve got.” 

Violet leaned over the piano to take a look at it. Their shoulders brushed as the two of them scanned the page together. Luke tried to ignore the sparks he felt when he stood close to her and instead, enjoyed the pure bliss he had found himself in. 

The girl hummed before placing her fingers on a few keys on the keyboard. A soft melody chimed through the rehearsal space and Luke immediately picked up on it. 

“Oooh yeah, mmmm Breakthrough”

He grabbed his guitar again and let an electric riff float out, seconds before Alex and Reggie jumped in as well. As Bobby took over on the keyboard, Violet grabbed the microphone and started singing the words she had remembered. 

“Up, down, spinnin all around Fly, high, falling to the ground Sometimes dreams can feel so far away Time, keeps, skippin' out a beat Left, right, trippin' on your feet Life is like a string of cloudy days”

Violet nodded to Luke, who took this as a sign it was his turn to sing. So, he grabbed that chance and, without breaking eye contact with Violet, sang the pre-chorus he wrote. 

“Sometimes it's raisin' your voice Sometimes it's makin' some noise Sometimes it's proving to the world it was wrong”

Reggie skipped towards Luke and sang the next part of the pre-chorus with the lead singer in his mic the way they always do during gigs. 

“Whenever you can't see the light Whenever there's no end in sight Keep on, keep on moving on Keep on moving on”

With the widest smile on her face, Violet chimed in on the chorus again with Alex and Bobby as well. Their voices blended together perfectly and the sound gave Violet a kick of adrenaline. 

“Here comes a breakthrough Here comes a day Here comes a moment that you gotta go for it So don't let it get away It's all about breakthrough Just turn the page 'Cause everyday you’re getting closer Life is just a rollercoaster”

While Violet danced her way through the post-chorus Bobby, Alex and Reggie took for their account, Luke watched her with the greatest smile of admiration. This girl was so talented, she could turn a song she just saw on paper for a few seconds into a complete hit.  

“Shake it, till you make it Till you breakin’ on through Don't stop till you breakin’ on through Shake it, till you make it Till you breakin’ on through Don't stop till you breakin’ on through”

As the beat changed again, Violet halted in her spot and started singing the next verse. Though she didn’t quite remember the exact words, what she came up with sounded equally as good. Better, even. 

“Stop, still, take another breath Road block, move it to the left Get around whatever's in your way Heartbreak, pick up all the pieces Don't stop dancin' in the bleachers It's gonna be your turn to play Gonna be your turn to play”

Violet turned to Bobby to rock out with him while Reggie and Luke sang the pre-chorus again. 

“Sometimes it's raisin' your voice Sometimes it's makin' some noise Sometimes it's provin' to the world it was wrong Whenever you can't see the light Whenever there's no end in sight Keep on, keep on movin' on Keep on movin' on”

Then, Violet turned around again, looking at Carrie as their only source of a crowd and performed the chorus towards her. Though she didn’t quite like seeing her best friend falling for the lead singer after what had happened the last time, she did love seeing her in her element, performing with the band.  

“Here comes a breakthrough Here comes a day Here comes a moment that you gotta go for it So don't let it get away It's all about a breakthrough Just turn the page 'Cause everyday you’re getting closer Life is just a rollercoaster”

Bobby quit playing the keyboard and picked up the microphone. Violet had almost forgotten about his talent of rapping until the boy spit out the bridge like a total pro. The same way he did during their gig. 

“You can see it in the blind sight Movin' through the limelight Groovin' to the music imma use it when the time's right Hoping I can do it through the shadows, I can shine bright Usually in life there's one short, this is our night Listen to the rhythm that we given and it will make you Start pushin' the barriers and it will take you Wherever it is you wanna go, never too late to Keep pushing till you breakthrough”

Luke’s voice floated through the space as the song  broke down with just Bobby playing the keyboard. Violet turned to face Luke and moved towards him, reaching out her microphone for him to use as he sang the pre-chorus again. 

“Sometimes it's raisin' your voice Sometimes it's makin' some noise Sometimes it's provin' to the world it was wrong”

With a wicked smirk on her face, Violet echoed his last words while they shared the mic. Luke couldn’t stop his eyes from flicking up and down to her lips as she was so close to him. 

“World it was wrong”

“Whenever you can't see the light”

“Can’t see the light”

“Whenever there's no end in sight”

“No end in sight”

The others picked up on the chemistry between the two singers and exchanged knowing glances. Their buddy had it bad and everyone could see it. 

“Keep on, keep on movin' on Keep on movin' on”

While the others lapsed into the chorus again, Violet went for a high note before jumping in as well. 

“Here comes a breakthrough Here comes a day Here comes a moment that you gotta go for it So don't let it get away It's all about a breakthrough Just turn the page 'Cause everyday I'm getting closer Life is just a rollercoaster”

The energy in the room was high as everyone gave their everything on the last post-chorus. 

“Shake it, till you make it Till you breakin’ on through Don't stop till you breakin’ on through Shake it, till you make it Till you breakin’ on through Don't stop till you breakin’ on through Shake it, till you make it Till you breakin’ on through Don't stop till you breakin’ on through Shake it, till you make it Till you breakin’ on through Don't stop”

“Here comes a breakthrough”

Smiling at each other, the band didn’t need any words to agree that this was the best song they had ever written. It had that Sunset Curve energy, that empowering feeling they always wanted and needed. They could see this skyrocketing in the charts. Only Violet didn’t quite know that yet. 

“That sounded amazing, you guys!” Carrie exclaimed excitedly as she clapped her hands. “I think you’ve got a new hit on your hands!” 

Luke and Violet turned their heads at the very same time and both of them smiled at each other. “I think so too,” Luke admitted. Violet couldn’t ignore the fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something was happening and she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. 

“How about we go up for some drinks and snacks? I think we deserve it,” Alex suggested with a wide smile plastered on his face and the rest of the gang agreed with a mirroring smile. 

The six of them headed upstairs where Alex and Reggie took care of the beverages and Luke and Violet were on snack-duty in their pantry. Of course that was just part of Alex and Reggie’s plan, but the two went along with it anyway. 

“I wanna thank you for helping us out with that song,” Luke said as he handed Violet some snacks from the shelves. 

Violet let out an airy chuckle. “That’s– that’s no problem, Luke. I really liked the song you had so far, so…” She shrugged, trying to balance the bags of chips Luke had piled on her. When  he noticed her struggling, he finally took some off her. Their fingers brushed as he did so and while Violet tried to ignore the spark she felt, Luke didn’t quite. 

“Can I repay you?” he asked and before Violet could protest, he continued. “Let me take you out on a date. Just dinner, us two?” The girl scoffed at his bravery and smoothness. 

“Sure, Luke. Why not?” 

His teeth dug into his lower lip as he gazed at her for a moment, processing the fact that she had just agreed to go out on a date with him. This all sounded so crazy but it did mean their plan was working. Violet should be happy about it, but there was just something in the way… 

Days go by and there wasn’t one where the boys, Violet, Carrie, Julie and Flynn didn’t hang out together after school. They played some songs together, hung out and got to know each other bit by bit. It was nice to see the boys getting along again. It almost felt like a part of Violet became whole again. 

“Hey, Violet,” Alex started carefully when the Sunset Curve boys entered the garage where the girls had already been chilling on the couch for an hour. She had her legs in Carrie’s lap while resting her back against the armrest of the couch, keeping herself busy scrolling through her phone. 

“‘Sup, Lex?” 

Alex scratched behind his ear while shooting a glance to his buddies, one of which grabbed an acoustic guitar from its stand where it had been waiting for them. “We wanted to thank you… For bringing the band back together,” he said, grimacing. 

“And apologize for acting like complete idiots when you first asked us,” Luke added, fixing the guitar strap around his chest. Violet let out a chuckle at this, silently agreeing with Luke’s statement. 

“And for that, we wanna give you a little glance into Sunset Curve and prove you are the perfect fit for our band,” Bobby continued with a grin. “So… Luke?” 

With the widest smile on his face, Luke nodded and started to play a fun melody on his six-string. Violet sat up straight for this, facing the boys’ way as Alex started doing body percussion, adding a fun beat to the song. 

The only one who didn’t seem into it, was Reggie. He was sitting on the edge of a couch, watching, but not moving. “Come on, Reginald!” Alex encouraged him before Luke counted him in and Reggie started to sing excitedly. 

“Can you, 'a can you hear me?”

Alex let out a chuckle before answering Reggie’s call. 

“Yep, loud and clear”

“We gotta get, we gotta get ready”

Luke dramatically responded to this one. 

“'Cause it's been years”

Bouncing along excitedly, the girls watched as the boys continued to improvise together, much like Violet did the other day to get the band back together. 

“Whoa, this band is back Whoa, this band is back Woo, woo”

Reggie reached for Violet’s hand, pulling her up while Bobby went for Carrie and Alex went for his two best friends. 

“Can you,”

The girls responded this time. 

“Yes we can,”

“Can you hear me?”

The four of them started dancing around the garage and around the boys while singing along with them. Thankfully, the song was easy enough to remember for everyone, which made it all the more fun singing along. 

“Loud and clear”

“We gotta get, wanna get, we gotta get ready Cause it's been years Whoa, this band is back Whoa, this band is back Woo, woo”

Giggling, the girls fell back on the couch. Luke quickly exchanged his acoustic guitar for an electric one while the other boys claimed their own instruments. All four of them ready to start rehearsing. 

“Got any genius songs up your sleeve, Captain?” Luke questioned, his eyes focused on Violet as she got up from the couch again. She reached for her backpack and fished her songbook out. It was a notebook the other Violet had stashed in her night stand, but Violet now claimed it as her own. 

“I had this idea for a song… It might be absolutely terrible, but I wanted to see if we could do something with it anyway.” She placed the notebook on the grand piano and sat down before starting to play a soft melody. 

“Trying hard to fight these tears I'm crazy worried Messing with my head this fear I'm so sorry You know you gotta get it out I can't take it That's what being friend’s about”

The notes floated out into the garage before coming to a halt. “And then we would like, come in with the instruments and it would speed up and –” she stopped herself from getting too excited about it and looking like a fool. “Unless you guys got a better idea?” 

Bobby grimaced at the insecure girl that sat at the piano. This wasn’t the Violet he was used to and it made him wonder what happened in the other universe for her to become this ball of insecurity. She was a talented, gorgeous young woman. There was nothing she had to be insecure about. 

“Something like this?” Bobby asked and played a riff on his guitar. 

A thankful smile reached Violet’s cheeks and it widened as each boy added something to the melody. It sounded exactly like it did in her head when she thought of this. The boys were just the perfect addition to her music. 

Softly, but with more confidence than before, she started singing the chorus she had come up with the other day. 

“Gotta turn the world into your dance floor Determinate, d-determinate Push until you can't and then demand more Determinate, d-determinate You and me together, we can make it better Gotta turn the world into your dance floor Determinate, d-determinate”

“You guys should perform at the open mic night at Chubbie’s Friday,” Julie suggested as soon as the band stopped playing to bask into the genius that was Violet’s song. 

While Luke was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement, Violet’s shake of the head shut him down almost immediately. “Why not, Vi? We sound epic and your songs are amazing! We can’t not share them with the world!” 

“The last time I was on a stage, I puked over the entire front row… I’ve been afraid to get up on a stage ever since,” she replied without thinking twice about it. Only when she noticed Carrie’s and Bobby’s widened eyes and the other’s confused glances, she realized what she’d done. “Dirty Candy is different, though… I’m a completely different person in Dirty Candy. I’m not Violet. I’m Blue Candy.” 

Carrie let out a relieved sigh at Violet’s quick saving. That was a good excuse. 

“That’s fair…” Alex muttered, nodding his head. “We can’t force you to do something you don’t wanna do…” 

Luke shook his head, disagreeing with both of them. “No, Violet… You have to get over that fear. What you have – it’s pure talent! And it’s a shame to keep it under wraps…” He took a step closer towards the piano, leaning over it until his face was mere inches away from hers. “I was wrong about you being just a bubblegum princess. You’re much more than that. You’ve got talent, Violet.” 

Violet swallowed the lump that got stuck in her throat. Luke had never been this close to her. She couldn’t count the amount of times she had dreamed of being in this position. “I– I can’t do it, Luke… I can’t…” She got up from the stool but before she could move away from him, he grabbed her wrist to stop her. 

“What if we’re all gonna be up there with you? You’re not alone, Violet… You have us. We’re backing you up. You got this, okay?” 

This might be the only way to get back to her own universe. Maybe performing together could be her unfinished business. Maybe after that, she could get back to her own universe. 

“Fine… I’ll do it…” she whispered, but it was loud enough for everyone to hear and cheer loudly. 

Luke smiled a proud smile. “I knew you could do it,” he said before the band went back to rehearsing together. 

During the entire rehearsal, Luke couldn’t help but remember the crush he used to have on this girl a few years back, before she turned into this Bubblegum Princess from Dirty Candy. He could feel that crush coming back as they made music together. Seeing her blossom, finding aspects of her personality he had never noticed before. He felt himself falling for her all over again and he knew he had to do something about it. 

“Remember when I had a crush on Violet?” Luke asked the boys after rehearsal while they were packing up their instruments and the girls were chatting around the piano about the open mic night. 

“Had?” Reggie asked, eyebrows raised. “Did that ever go away then?” 

Luke rolled his eyes at his friend. “Yes, it did. But now it’s back and I don’t know what to do about it…” 

“You could ask her out?” Alex said with his usual flair of sarcasm. 

Luke opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. He knew Alex was right, but he had no clue how to ask a Dirty Candy member out on a date. “How?” he whispered. 

“You ask her,” Alex replied and pushed the lead singer towards the girl in question, who  happened to be making her way over to them. While the boys made their way out, taking the other girls with them, Luke stuttered and stammered as he watched the girl he had a crush on watch him expectantly. 

Violet’s eyebrows knitted together. “You okay, Luke?” she asked. 

“Yeah, yeah…” he chuckled and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “I uhm… I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go out with me? On – on a date?” 

Her breath hitched in her throat. She never thought Luke Patterson would ever ask her out. Not willingly. The image of him laughing at her when their friends had set them up on a blind date flashed through her mind again. 

“I– I can’t, Luke… I’m sorry,” she mumbled before gathering her stuff and exiting the garage, leaving Luke by himself and heartbroken. How could he have been so stupid, thinking Violet Dawson would actually want to go out with him? 

If only he were born in a different universe where Violet would actually be into him… 

Dressed in a floral romper and heels she borrowed from Carrie, Violet nervously walked over to her front door where seconds ago, someone rang the bell. She knew exactly who it was. Three minutes early. 

“Hi Luke,” she greeted with a nervous smile while Luke let his eyes wander over her body. 

“Woah,” he  breathed before coughing to gather himself back up. “Uhm… You look gorgeous.” For a confident little asshole, he seemed insanely nervous right about now. Violet thought it was rather endearing that something as normal as a date made this rockstar so nervous. 

“Thanks!” Violet said. “You clean up pretty nice too.” She regarded his outfit. A white button-down and slacks. Something he could wear to impress her mother, that was for sure. 

Luke chuckled before reaching out a hand. “You ready to go, m’lady?” 

Violet placed her hand in his and let him guide her towards the car. There was a nervous flutter that made itself known in her stomach. It wasn’t like she was nervous about the date. She was nervous about the outcome. For herself. And him. 

“Where are we going?” she asked as he opened the door to the backseat open for her. 

He smiled, “You’ll see.” He shut the door and jogged to the other side, getting in the backseat as well. To say Violet was confused yet not surprised he asked his chauffeur to drive them to the date, was an understatement but she let it slide. There were a lot more things about the rockstar’s life she wasn’t aware of yet. 

“You’re really not gonna tell me where we’re going?” she questioned again whilst the driver sped away. 

Tight lipped and silent, Luke shook his head. “But you could guess?” 

“Not you too,” Violet rolled her eyes, giggling. “Uhm… Italy!” she joked excitedly, which made Luke laugh. “I would’ve expected something big like that from our first date, Mister Rockstar.” 

“What if I told you we were going to the next best thing?” 

The car came to a halt as the smirk on Luke’s face widened. He quickly pecked a kiss to Violet’s knuckles before getting out of the car and running around it to open Violet’s door, helping her out. 

The two of them stood in front of a large building in a quiet part of the city, it seemed. There were barely any cars zooming past and, even though they were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, they weren’t in the way of anyone. It gave Violet plenty of time to read the elegant lettering ‘Figurati Italia’. It looked and sounded very posh and exclusive, and when they walked inside, Violet knew she was right. 

“Luke, this–” she scoffed. “This looks insanely expensive, are you sure about this?” 

Luke smiled at her, placing his hands on her shoulders in comfort. “Rockstar life,” he whispered before taking her hand and leading her towards the man in charge. “Signore Rossi!” he greeted the stout man animatedly. 

“Signore Patterson!” the man wrapped his arms around the seventeen-year-old boy as though they were old friends getting reacquainted. The man’s eyes landed on Violet next. “Ah! Bellissima!” He reached for Violet’s hands and kissed her knuckles. 

If Violet didn’t think Luke and the man were insanely adorable together, she would’ve found this extremely uncomfortable but the man seemed to be of good intentions and just wanted her to feel welcome. 

The man turned back to Luke, whispering, “You’re very lucky tonight,” before guiding the couple to a table in the very back of the restaurant. “Your usual seats,” he said and while he handed them the menus and Luke carefully slid the chair behind Violet, she took a look around. They sat underneath this gazebo-like thing, covered with roses in every color.  

“Do you like it here?” Luke asked once Signore Rossi had left them, capturing Violet’s attention. “If you don’t, we can go s–” Violet placed her hand over his, stopping his rambling. 

“It’s perfect, Luke. E’ mozzafiato.” Luke had to blink a few times, her singing voice was hot, but her speaking Italian was even hotter. “It’s breathtaking,” she quickly translated, mistaking his bafflement for not understanding. 

“I know – I didn’t know you could speak Italian?” 

Violet grinned. “Just the basics.” 

As they lapsed into a conversation about Italy and their own lives, Violet had to remind herself not to get too lost in Luke’s eyes and forget she wasn’t actually the Violet he used to know. She had to be careful not to give anything about the different universes away. It would ruin the plan and Luke would think she was completely nuts. 

The night was coming to an end and Luke was leading Violet to her front door. It had been a fun night, filled with anecdotes about the tour and life. Luke felt like he knew Violet a little bit better and that he liked her even more. 

“Do you remember that time our friends set us up on a blind date? You know, before the band took off and such?” Violet licked her lips and softly nodded her head. She had no clue what he was talking about but pretended she did. “Back then, I didn’t think of you as more than a friend or a sister. You were more like a sister to me, but now… You’ve changed, Violet. And I– I really like that change in you…” 

Violet smiled. She just smiled. She didn’t know what else to do. There was nothing else she could do. She had no idea what he was talking about, but she liked the confession he just made. Their plan was working. Luke was falling in love with her. 

He reached for her hand as it constantly brushed against his, his monologue wasn’t over yet. “I like hanging out with you, Violet. I really do. I hope we can do this again sometime.” 

Violet suppressed the smile that threatened to spill and with a straight face she said, “Only if you take me to real Italy for the next date.” She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before heading inside, leaving Luke at her front porch, dazed and confused with a tingling feeling on his cheek where her kiss lingered. 

He wanted to know more about this girl. He wanted to find out where her confidence came from and what other genius ideas she had for songs. He wanted to get to know her. How she liked her coffee in the morning or how she ate her eggs. If she believed in conspiracy theories and what she wanted to do in life. He wanted to know everything about her. 

Luke was smitten. He couldn’t hide it anymore. 

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[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know the wildest thing still to happen to me on this hellsite was my first experience of sexting, sans nudes, that was done in front of at least 250-500 followers because of those horny anons i had in early 2013 when i was 17. instead of being exposed to it on my phone privately with a partner at that age, it was done publicly for the internet to see lmao. i remember begging the anons to stop and “come off anon” because i was “losing followers” at the time too bc i was so insecure about my follower count lmao. and then yeah when they came off anon they were both 28 years old.

to write the responses, i just consulted cosmo mag sex pages for ideas hoping that the anons would like the options i chose. in one i detailed doing anal- a sex act i hadn’t even done yet irl- let alone every other thing i suggested in them (head, idek long, drawn out foreplay, some stupid fancy sex moves that cosmo was all like “use these moves to spice up your sex life 🔥🔥”, sex in a bath, i’m pretty sure i had some lines about tying or handcuffing them to a bed (????) etc etc etc)….

when again, i had never even done any of those above sex acts in real life. i was a naive teen who was incredibly shy in regards towards her love life because she’d “never been kissed” and had never had the “hot emo boyfriend whose in a band and is covered in tattoos” she’d always wanted, let alone even a boyfriend that she had actually fucking liked (ie clear braces boy, for like a month in year 9/2010 vs the popular boys that made fun of her, that she always had unrequited crushes on)…. hell, my blog title when i first started on here in 2011 was “the perfect epitome of being forever alone” because of these very reasons. but here she was, writing explicit sex acts to strangers like she knew what the fuck she was doing, to an audience of 250-500 people- and then to fucking grown ass men in inboxes. i was just parroting the shit i’d read in cosmo (both sex advice and sometimes excerpts of erotica/“sexy, steamy reads” they had some months) and also heard repeatedly in the porn that my high school stalker/creeper at public school loved to show (harass) me with to flirt with me, whenever we were alone together at school in 2012/2013.

like you could tell how naive i was….. because i used ridiculous lines like “like a gentleman entranced, you lead me to the bath for our next foray” and dumbass prose-y things like that. because what the fuck does that even mean 😂😅????

and this is why i think minors should be careful with their online experiences. like yeah, you could say that i wasn’t a minor anymore- more of a “young adult”- who should of made the smart decision to not engage with these anons. but i was a kid. i thought it was fun. and when the dudes came off anon, i thought to myself “it’s not like i’m ever gonna meet them if i ever go to the US or puerto rico at any point. it’s not like that they’ll ever recognise me in person or ever reach out to me again in the future. i might as well do it.” and i did eventually end up ignoring the guys in my inbox, due to my mental health kinda plummeting from the middle til the end of 2013 because of my end of high school exams and stuff… and also the puerto rican guy’s infamously inappropriate “hot PE teacher fucks HOT female high school student in the girls change room showers” fantasy which fucking disgusted me, when he full well knew that i was STILL IN high school.

and obviously again, there’s the point about using the “block” button function. but as i’ve stated several times over my years on here, back in my early days of tumblr, i never wanted to block or unfollow people (even if they were trash like these two men), because it seemed so “mean” and “final”. obvs now i have no qualms about blocking people, and actively encourage younger people on here to use the block button with reckless abandon towards creepy people or people who can hurt them in some way. but to high school teenage me, the whole “using the block button” thing seemed to go against me being a “nice girl/person” so i never used it, no matter which social media platform i was on.

this is why i’m hella scared for young teen girls on tik tok wanting to have onlyfans accounts: because it’s where they’ll be exposed to ACTUAL CREEPS AND PREDATORS incredibly quickly; all because they can make money off selling images of just their feet or eventually their body….. depending on what these creepy strangers demand from them….. and they’ll feel like they’ll have to do it…. but to do it before you even start experimenting properly with relationships and sex is even worse. like. yeah. i’ve admitted before that i originally started this tumblr to possibly post nudes, to see if i’d get the positive feedback that i so desperately wanted/craved from the boys in my year at catholic school- eg. to be called “sexy”, “hot”, “fuckable” possibly “beautiful”- like some of the so called “popular girls” got on their hella basic bikini photos back then (like i remember one girl i knew ended up with like 500 likes and a fair amount of comments on one of her bikini pics and i was INCREDIBLY BITTER because not even a pic of me with a nice outfit on, my hair done and makeup on could EVER get those numbers, let alone even break over the double digits).

but i decided posting nudes or other explicit images on here was an absolute no go, because i realised that i never wanted people that i knew digging up barely clothed/naked pics of me and sending them to me all like “hey, is this you?” and then possibly mocking me, all because i would’ve been dumb enough to put my face in them probably at the time. now when i take nudes and send them, i never show my face. because i know now, that even in relationships, your partner can use nude pics as leverage for arguments or to abuse you in such a way that they’ll upload your pics without your knowledge to god knows where on the internet probably as a way to get back at you in a horrible breakup.

this is what i sincerely hope some young girls who ever contemplate starting onlyfans accounts take some time SERIOUSLY CONSIDER. please know that if you share shit on onlyfans, it can shared and re-shared (i think idek how OF works tbh) to god knows who- and eventually end up in the hands of people you know. i don’t fucking care if it’s a “good way to make money!” or if people think that im trying to stop teen girls from being “girl bosses” and the other dumb as fuck internet memes you want to throw at me. because this shit isn’t “haha internet meme funny” material. it’s some fucking serious stuff. and also, i’m not saying “don’t become a sex worker when you’re older” or whatever either. you’re free to make that choice when you’re in your 20s (no i even mean 17-19 year olds in this post as “young teen girls”- sorry you’re basically kids to me at almost 26). just please consider where the fuck your stuff can be shared to. who it can end up being shared with or to.

this is why i was so fucking adamant with my infamous old follower mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF that i personally would NOT consider becoming a camgirl for him or just generally… because i had no idea where the fuck my images or videos would end up. and do you know the places i’d never want them to fucking be??? in the hands of my high school stalker/creeper. in the hands of those two 28yo men from 2013 (who’d now be in there late 30s or early 40s). i absolutely don’t want them in the hands the mid-to-late 20s and early 30s men that that girl i met at public school in 2012 who was pissed that i didn’t believe that were “adults” because we were finally over the legal age of consent (16) in our state of australia, and so we were apparently fine to “fuck” literal grown ass men because “just fuck them and they’ll be nice to you!!” which i knew was fucking bullshit.

i absolutely don’t fucking want explicit videos/images of me ending up in “why the fuck won’t you let me give you “sex lessons” in the back of my car as a “favour” and as payment for teaching you how to drive you stupid, stuck up & frigid, virgin bitch!?” guy’s hands from 2014 (when i was 18/19 at the time and he was 25… he ended up being the first person of many i’d EVER block on social media lol). or i don't want them in the hands of those weird early 20s dudes (one of which was trying to set me up with his friend) who hit on me at 16/17 (2012) who were angry that i didn’t like and watch porn as much as they did…. and who promptly asked me at the end of their period of harassing of me: “do you know any sluts we could add?” because i kept refusing their suggestions etc.

hell, quite frankly i don’t even want them to go to mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF either, but the very few and far between nudes that i sent on snapchat to him back in 2016 are some nudes that i’d rather forget lmao. hell. i don’t even know if MAF ever deleted my nudes or shared them somewhere else or not, after he fucking wheedled them out of me with “i’ve followed you for 4 years, don’t be a shit! you owe me nudes!” so he’d just shut the fuck up about my social life decisions and leave me the fuck alone.

i don’t want ANY ONE of the guys i mentioned above to get their hands on photos of minors either…. because i definitely know my hs stalker/creeper would… because his fave “make her jealous” tactic that he’s always used on me is that “hey…. i’m dating a *insert teenage girl’s age here*! be fucking jealous that you don’t fucking have me and feel guilty that you won’t fuck me like this girl does!!!” just like he did in 2015, when i ran into him on the home from uni… when i turned 20 the next week and he turned 20 that december. at that time it was a 14yo girl he used as an example of him “dating”/“fucking” to make me jealous. instead, i was completely and utterly fucking disgusted. like any fucking sane and normal human being would/should be at that horrible age gap. that is literally a fucking child that he was fucking grooming. and we were literal adults. back the fuck away.

just please. PLEASE CONSIDER the types of people that trawl these kinds of sites and their intentions. please consider that you are young. very fucking young. you literally DO NOT need to upload nudes to the internet because it’s apparently a “lucrative” business. fuck the jokey “boss babe” rhetoric around it all the way to fucking hell.

because if you’re a minor: i do not want you to have your first experience of sexting or sending explicit images literally in front of god knows how many total strangers for the whole world to see (okay i know only fans is like subscriber/follower based or whatever. but i don’t care)…… even when you (depending how good you are with relationships etc) haven’t reached the common supposed milestones of your “first boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” or “first kiss” or have even “lost your virginity” (which isn’t real anyway- don’t buy this fucking bullshit)…. just like i stupidly did with my exposure to sexting here on my tumblr back in 2013. these people don’t/won’t give a flying fuck about your privacy or safety. they don’t/won’t give a fuck about your boundaries either.

please don’t possibly scar yourself for life, just because you’re being told that it’s a quick & convenient way to make some money for weirdos on the depths of the internet. you will regret it in future. just like i do now with mine. it should’ve been something personal between me and and a guy i trusted and liked at the time. not to some random 250-500 random strangers on this hellsite (okay the notes on these posts were literally single digits or non-existent, but still… and also some of my irl friends who had tumblr saw these posts as well) for a show….. and then privately with two 28yo literal grown ass men…. who should’ve been fucking hitting on women their own goddamned age and in their own countries and NOT a 17yo high school KID (at the time) from australia; who, now in her 20s, needs therapy to sort this shit out lmao. mind you they both reeled me in with the “you’re so mature for your age” bullshit line…. which i fell for a little bit, even if it did make me feel kinda gross at the time, too. don’t fall for that bullshit either.