#i mean he 100% rents them but yknow

[anambermusicbox]

September 29 Day Countdown (14/29): 2017/12/19 Livestream Interview with 全民直播

(37:10) What’s something your fans do that makes you feel frustrated? 

Zhou Shen: “Something that makes me frustrated is *makes thoughtful noise* everytime they say they’re sad about not being able to make it to an event—that’s something that’s relatively frustrating to me. Because I feel that listening to my singing is their biggest support towards me. I’ve always thought that there’s not much I can do for them. [...] Even if you can’t make it to an in person event, living your lives properly and to the fullest is also a form of support to me.”

(38:30) ZS, reading the livestream chat: “My hands move a lot because (*makes a thoughtful noise*) it’s always like that, I can’t really control it. Also, speaking of, I’ve learned a bit of sign language, that is- (*signs*) “Stay safe, I’m doing fine here; jiayou, stay safe.” Because every time I’m inside the car talking to shengmi outside, they can’t hear me; I’m inside like (*1000 decibel shout*) “STAY SAFE!!!!!!!” and they’re outside like (*waving*) “bye bye~” So I learned how to sign (*signs*) “Stay safe, take care of yourself.” Because everyone who comes to support me at an event is already going through a lot of trouble, so I hope everyone- and make sure not to lose things! Every time I see- a shengmi who lost their ID, another who got their phone stolen—the stuff that you lose, I can’t reimburse them. (*laughs*) So- make sure you’re safe, in all its forms—no matter what you’re doing, safety comes first.”

(9:39) This classic joke:

Interviewer: Have you ever been distressed because of your unique voice?

ZS: Yes.

Interviewer: Then, how did you deal with this distress?

ZS: I was sad.

Interviewer: Wow, this is impossible. (ZS, after losing it laughing: “They all say I talk too much so I’m talking less!”) 

(40:20) ZS: “Oh that’s right, you all need to stop looking for where to buy my clothes! Everytime you discover they’re really cheap I get very hurt. (*ZS goes blurry in laughter*) Stop looking for them!! Every time you (*imitates furious texting*) “I found the design you were wearing! (*points*) Price: 99 yuan.” I’m- (*dramatic flailing and facepalming*) Honestly!” (T/N: 99 yuan is the equivalent of 15 USD or 13 Euros)

(27:10) Interviewer: “Have you been to the southern [part of the country] recently for work?”; ZS: “Recent work in south? Lemme think… hmmm… recently… I had no work. :’((“ (*everyone loses it laughing*)

(22:00) Talks about being okay with only 5 hours of sleep; there was one period of time when he only slept 2 hours a day for a week and someone literally had to go behind him to prop up his head when getting his makeup done because his head kept drooping. (T/N: shenshen i stg u better start getting more sleep ur hEALTH)

(26:15) Talks about how he admires people who are good at what they do and are dedicated to their craft

(28:20) “I study for 23 hours, sleep for 1 hour 😤  “ (T/N: do not do this this is a joke lol)

(39:35) Sings a few lines of “Love is Eternal” (T/N: cantonese!!) and an Ukrainian song (T/N: gorgeous!!)

(19:45) Sings a few lines of “Crossing the Ocean to Meet You” and Lala Hsu’s “The Lost Sandbar”

[shoezuki]

speaking of the axe giving (which is a scene I watch nigh on Daily because its so good) I think people don't talk about a few things enough. like, things I see brought up incorrectly all the time in fic and stuff.

a) when ranboo gave techno the axe, it was originally gifted as a present. the transition was "speaking of presents." now the immediate language after was more about how he had to give techno something to stay, which does take away from that a little.

(not really though. because this is something that ranboo MADE not just something he had to give back. and that makes a huge difference).

but ranboo notes that techno is stuttering a bit and HES the one to mention that its rent. NOT techno. techno just jumped on it really fast because he wasn't 100% ready to trust again.

(second sidenote: I get that some people are frustrated that tech doesn't trust ranboo but from a character standpoint it makes complete sense so chill and stop callin him unfeeling or whatever lol)

I've seen, more than once, that techno suggests that its rent first and thats just.... thats just patently untrue. and frankly it takes away from the whole scene if you say that. because with that framing it changes from techno saying "I don't trust you." to RANBOO saying "you don't have to trust me that, its okay"

anyway I had another point but this is already so long and I dont wanna take up your whole ask box akdbke

oh no go ham take up my whole inbox fuck ya we love to see it

also yea i see a lot of like. i guess interpretations? of that scene and especially techno’s distrust of ranboo. which is WEIRD to me aklfgalkfgasfg 

the idea of the gift being ‘rent’ was jus like. ranboo offered it as a comfortable deflection almost. for both of them really like they Both are tentative and not entirely trusting. it being ‘rent’ was a way for them to like. take it down a step from what it really was (a potentially emotional gift and sign of mutual trust/respect) to almost like a Business Transaction. no emotions involved just. Rent

also I’d literally completely forgotten about it until now. but back when phil first took ranboo to their house and invited him to stay over there, one thing that was brought up by ranboo was how they worked with dream. philza said that it was ‘just business’ or something of that source. that they didnt Actually trust dream or work With him in the sense of like. companionship or anything

its kinda funny like. we can say ranboo recalled that too yknow. decided that their relationship was ‘just business’ via it being a Rent payment and their didnt need to be any emotions attached or other meanings to it. like how they had worked with dream

but cmon we ALL know thats bullshit. but god ya. it hit so well. really showed that ranboo understood techno’s character more than practically anyone else besides phil

[errorid-mt7lt7k7unfr9ttfua5]

Sing is Capitalist Propaganda

//spoilers for Sing and Sing 2

//cw: suicide

im currently in the process of watching sing 2, and...

I have Some Thoughts

buster moon is a pathological liar, and despite how much he lies, he always get wants. He did it in the first movie, and hes doing it again.

in the first movie, he lies to his performers about the massive cash prize, and now, hes lying to a rich entertainment business CEO to produce a show that he doesnt have the rights to (i mean, copyright law is horseshit, but i digress)

i think it makes for an interesting character, but imo, the first movie portrayed it as a good thing? Rather than it being blind luck, it is played like a reward for him “Risking everything” to get what he wants (mostly fame) and i expect it to be no different in the sequel

Especially given the target audience of children, i feel that this plotline is instilling the capitalist myth that "iF yOu jUst wORk hArD enOugH yoUll bE RiCH! :)" (famous, in this case) if youve been on anticapitalist tumblr for long enough (or if youve worked basically any service job), you know that most people working lower paying jobs (field work, service, etc.) work Way More than anyone in an office job, or even a CEO, yet, they are paid not even enough to live independently* and literally no amount of hard work in that situation is going to get you rich** Plotlines like these are just being spit out by the propaganda machine, whether intentional or not on the part of the creators. This is why Everyone needs to do the work to unlearn their biases, cause

* (i could barely afford to live in an apartment with 5 other people when I was working at a fast food place. I was constantly standing for 8 hour shifts, and i had to work multiple stations at once most of the time. They tried to make me a manager after four months of working there they had such bad staffing problems. The owner BEGGED the GM to stay, after she had put in her two weeks OVER A MONTH BEFORE. We werent even allowed to accept tips. Honestly, i should have started a union, but hindsight is 2020 i guess. I could have earned more if I worked more hours of got a second job, but im neurodivergent and disabled, so I physically cant work much more than 25hrs a week or i would want to kill myself (really embarrasing, since, yknow, ACAB, but i actually had to call the cops to drive me home one time because i was certain that if i drove home that night i would drive into oncoming traffic (speaking of pigs, they are literally useless and a threat even to me, a white person: they take like half an hour to show up even when you literally tell them that youre about to commit, and then when you ASK to be admitted to a psych ward, theyre like "umm, sorry, it would be kinda inconvenient for me to take you to the psych ward actually, so, can you just like, call youre friend and have them take you? :)))

**and dont you crypto bros/investors/landlords come into my comments or replies saying "oH! bUt iF yOu juSt InveSt iN (insert investment medium here) yOUll maKe PAssIve IncOmE!" that shit is exploitative and enviromently unfriendly af and isnt feasible for poor people, they cant afford to drop 100$+ into bitcoin or even more into a mining rig, they need that shit to pay for rent/groceries/gas/sitters/etc. even it it did work every time, theres no excuse, because it causes so much harm

*capitalists, pigs (cops), landlords, stock bois, crypto bros, and bootlickers dni*

[thots-n-prayers-2137]

OKAY TIME FOR THE MUSHROOMING AU LET’S GO AAAAAAAAA

I’ll warn everyone. Under the cut you’ll find a LOT of rambling about mushrooms. Not only the AU. Feel warned.

Also some spoilers for 2-2 I guess.

Okay so! First things first! In Poland, where I come from, people traditionally go to local forests to pick mushrooms (especially during autumn!). There are tons of species, too! Some popular edible ones include:

(Borowik szlachetny, Boletus edulis, photo by Staszek99 on Wikimedia)

(Podgrzybek zajączek, Xerocomus subtomentosus, photo by Basik07 on Wikimedia)

(Czubajka kania, Macrolepiota procera, photo by Chrumps on Wikimedia)

There are also tons of inedible and poisonous ones, like:

(Muchomor czerwony, Amanita muscaria, photo by Onderwijsgek on Wikimedia)

(Borowik szatański, Rubroboletus satanas, photo by Archenzo on Wikimedia)

(Mleczaj wełnianka, Lactarius torminosus, photo by Jerzy Opioła on Wikimedia)

There are four main rules of picking mushrooms in Poland -

1) Don’t pick mushrooms that you aren’t 100% sure that they are edible. There are a lot of similar edible and inedible fungi with lamella (I’ll explain that later) in Poland! That’s why it’s so important - it can be deadly to eat the wrong mushroom.

2) Mushrooms with tubes are generally safe to eat, except Rubroboletus satanas, but it tastes terrible anyway so you probably won’t eat it in an amount high enough to die. And let me note something. THIS RULE ONLY APPLIES TO POLAND, PLEASE CHECK YOUR LOCAL MUSHROOM SPECIES (AND LAWS) BECAUSE MUSHROOMS WITH TUBES ARE NOT ***INHERENTLY*** SAFE TO EAT, IT’S A LOCAL THING!!! But yeah, that’s how it works here. “But what are lamella and tubes?” Those are the hymenophores, baby! I can’t exactly remember what they are (something with reproduction, for sure), but it’s the bottom of the mushroom. That’s a lamella-type:

(Photo by Strobilomyces on Wikimedia)

And that’s a tubes-type:

(Photo by Jerzy Opioła on Wikimedia)

3) Always cut the mushrooms off by the bottom, rather than pull them out of the ground. This way they can regrow! The way fungi grow is really fascinating, but basically, the mushroom can regrow from that little part. Wow! Also, that means you have to bring a knife to mushroom-picking. A small one is enough.

4) Don’t destroy inedible mushrooms. They’re inedible to people, but not the animals! Plus, they’re an important part of the ecosystem, and are often really pretty. Just don’t.

Those rules are the very basics! Like, it’s things that children in grades 1-3 learn at school! More professional mushroom-pickers will probably know which mushrooms are in symbiose with what trees, where are the best spots, which mushrooms with lamella are safe and all the good stuff. I’m on the “don’t even look at mushrooms with lamella” side of things, haha.

Mushrooms are also traditionally put into baskets, while being collected:

(Photo by me!)

But I saw some people put theirs into buckets as well. This is not recommended, as plastic isn’t as breathable as wicker, however, it’s mostly people who sell mushrooms so they have to pick a lot of them. But there are even madlads with plastic bags... *shivers*

But that’s enough of an intro! Now the ACTUAL AU stuff!

(while my thoughts on mushrooms were really nicely packed, the thoughts on the AU will NOT)

okay so basically in all honesty i was mostly thinking about... kanna. i even tried to design her! i kinda left my drawings at home and theyre not even particularly well-drawn NOR do they, like, show what i *want* her to look like. some notes include:

id mostly use the color scheme from her canon outfit?

instead of the white uniform skirt, she gets a pair of magenta pants (it would be pretty impractical to wear a short skirt for mushroom-picking, and white isn’t an option because it’s easy to get that dirty in a forest)

a simple dark green jacket, with some lighter green/white accents here and there. 

im thorn between giving her brown boots and more sport-y shoes... aaaaa boots are more practical but i personally usually go in sporty shoes cuz my boots have a weird love-hate relationship with my pants so yknow

since most people pick mushrooms during fall, it would probably be cold so she gets a scarf. idk *what* scarf yet but she gets one dangit (on a sidenote, i decided that i dont really want shin to have a scarf. maybe ill explain a bit later)

also she gets this sort of. cloth thing. the word in polish is “chusta” and my dictionary translates it to scarf but my understanding of scarves and chusty is telling me - not every chusta is a scarf and vice versa. the sort of thing i mean is, like, a square bandana, but not exactly? or maybe it is a bandana???? example photos:

(from owasowa.pl store!)

(from avanti24.pl!)

and the specific chusta i want for kanna is. like, white with magenta flowers? colors cuz her canon color scheme and flowers cuz her death + flowers are pretty and a popular motif for that stuff

i personally usually wear my chusta tied under the chin rather than behind my neck but i can’t find any photos like that so just. imagine??? i guess???? also unlike the models i leave some of my hair at front cuz it looks cute

remember what i said about buckets? screw that she gets a blue bucket. like from her head but a bit bigger so she can fit more mushrooms in there

and here im thorn between making her super good at picking mushrooms OR under average for her age aaaaaaaaaa can you imagine my pain

like, the super good part could maybe come from like, the newfound love for kugie? like, maybe kugie’s family is just great at mushroompicking in general and bringing her to forests for walks&mushrooming could be a fun lil thing that they would be doing aaaaaa

but the under average part could be coming from her having a difficult childhood so she could only start learning that stuff at later age, yknow?

i was also thinking about shin a bit (he lives in my head with relatively low rent, of COURSE i was thinking about him, lil miss “shin on pfp”). i want him to be a VERY, like, basic-level guy, like, “no mushrooms with lamella” “doesnt know whats in symbiose with what” sort. kinda like me, huh since his canon outfit seems to be quite good for mushroompicking actually, my only changes would be that he closes his jacket now cuz its cold AND he gets no scarf rights. i. don’t know how to articulate why i think it’s a good idea. but its partially cuz it would be hillarious for him to be freezing but pretending he ISNT. also he gets a regular basket? like, the one I showed as an example is pretty thin and atypical, im thinking really more regular wicker. id say its a typical święconka basket but i’d need to explain what a święconka is so maybe not.

i was. trying to to think about joe and sara a bit? i only got that they both have light blue softshells but in slightly different shades? and they have currently both baskets but joe tried to use a plastic bag at some point. sara is okay with species (i KNOW i kinda dragged the “no mushrooms with lamella” rule, but it’s REALLY what most people are using. it’s simple and reliable, you’re just missing out some dubious mushrooms, really), but bad at noticing them, the exact opposite of joe.

thats. all the thoughts i have im sorry i dont include any other characters i just didnt think about them and i needed to get out what i already had, heres a handful graph of amount of thought i gave to every character, made in like 1 minute in MS Paint:

so yeah. aaaaa

[escapismprison]

stutter- c.b.

a.n.- hey y’all, i wrote this a little while ago and i thought i might as well post it. there’s nowhere near enough friends fics, especially for chandler so. i listened to stutter by maroon 5 while writing it so if you wanna get the vibe, listen to that. this is set around season 1 of friends bc that’s the best chandler look tbh. also i would die for mondler. enjoy ✨

the first time you opened the door to central perk you noticed two things:

one, the smell of your saviour, your messiah, your own personal jesus (although depeche mode was never really your thing). coffee.

two, a group of six twenty-somethings, making slightly too much noise, hanging around a collection of comfy-looking sofas and chairs near the centre of the café.

now fairly obnoxious groups of friends wasn’t something you weren’t used to, often being a member of said groups meant you were surrounded by them in clubs, work etc. however, this particular group caught your eye. seating yourself at the bar and sneakily inspecting them further, it’s instantly evident there are six very different personalities within the collection.

you see one girl with short-ish blonde hair (who’s conventionally attractive looks pen her to be the princess) playfully poking a cute, cheerful, mixed-raced guy who appears to be enjoying the attention. the player, you assume. next, you cast your eyes over to the worn sofa and see a woman with black bobbed hair and sharp cheekbones, sat with her hands placed carefully in her lap, listening intently to her wildly gesticulating other-blonde-friend. the mom friend and the weirdo, of course.

finally, the last pair in the bunch contains a dopey-eyed, tall guy- the brainiac- who is trying to get the attention of his floppy-haired, attractive- very attractive actually- friend; who just so happens to be glued to his spot on the chair, staring at you with wide-eyes and mouth agape.

his brain seems to catch up with the rest of him, however, as he jerks himself out of his trance, meets your inquisitive gaze, and realises his current predicament. you watch with amusement while he desperately attempts to hide his ever-worsening blush with his hands, leaning on one with his elbow on the arm of his chair, then frantically switching to sitting upright and covering his mouth with the other.

quietly conversing with his friend, he covers the side of his face with one hand, acting as a shield to protect his cheeks from the burning sensation your stare has inflicted on them. despite his concerns, the gesture is pointless as, regardless of his make-shift barricade, the racket from the remainder of the shop would prevent you from hearing his impromptu confessional anyway.

you quickly note you haven’t thought of the role this man has in his friendship group and bring your gaze down to survey his fashion choices. these, unfortunately, don’t reveal a lot to you as baggy clothes and untucked shirts are typical current fashion. a trend follower maybe? though he hasn’t quite mastered the cool and collected persona of many men you had met before. (admittedly, these men had an 100% chance of ending up being dull as dish water.) but curiously, he didn’t seem to be a ‘many men’ kind of guy.

in your reverie you hadn’t noticed the man, as discreetly as possible, (so not very), pump himself up to approach the mysterious woman who had been observing him so carefully. you panic a little as this handsome figure hastily finishes his conversation with his, presumably, wingman companion. he has also managed to achieve the support of the group surrounding him, who award him with not-so-subtle thumbs ups and pats on the back. you clock a few evaluative glances thrown your way. turning your head to avoid their inspection, you manage to fumble into your handbag and pull out your round pocket-mirror, for a rushed last-minute appearance check. the mirror being an item that has been heralded as a life-saver many times in previous desperate situations.

by the time you have closed the mirror, placed it back in your bag and zipped it up again, the man is half-way to your stool at the bar. his friends watch his movements eagerly, waiting for the outcome of his brave decision.

you scan him as he nears you and re-affirm that he is definitely very attractive. a stab of nerves materialises in your stomach.

‘hi,’ he says ‘c-chandler is, my name.’ horror washes over his features while he visibly attempts to pull himself together. his hand twitches and hurriedly runs itself through his hair. you internally scream at this gesture because, amazingly, he has managed to make himself ten times more attractive with a single action.

you were fucked.

chuckling lightly at his apprehension and as a result of your own nerves, you reply with ‘hey chandler my name is (y/n)’ in an slightly incomprehensible mumble.

you all but giggled at your equally embarrassing anxious state. the childish sound made your cheeks heat up instantly and you meet the eyes of the man standing in front of you.

he seems to have somewhat regained his confidence as he gently laughs in relief at the realisation that his target is just as unsure as himself.

‘that wasn’t a great start was it?’ he sighs.

‘maybe not,’ you respond, smiling brightly at him, ‘but it was a start at least.’

a cheeky smile adorns his face that you’re pretty sure gave you heart palpitations for the few seconds proceeding it.

after a moment of eye-contact, chandler snaps himself out of his second trance of the day.

‘mind if i sit there?’ he asks, anxiety still lingering in his words while gesturing towards the empty seat to your right. you curse yourself for forgetting basic manners.

‘yeah of course.’

pleasant silence, with a twinge of awkwardness, settles over your end of the bar. you play with your hands and don’t quite notice the fascinated look chandler has. eyes fixated on your hands as they dance around each other in uncertainty.

‘so, hey.’

you gently break the quiet and hope to restore some momentum into your encounter.

‘oh, yeah sorry, hey.’ chandler gives you a lop-sided grin and adds ‘not really on my game today.’

you laugh.

‘so, uh i was just wondering if, yknow, possibly, maybe s- sometime? going out? would be nice?’ he bites his lip and reckless-you wants to jump into his lap, wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him hard.

but you don’t do this, much to reckless-you’s disappointment.

instead, your eyes widen slightly, the sudden request taking you by surprise, but the warm feeling from his adorable vulnerability and openness overpowers any shock.

‘yeah, sure.’ you give a kind smile.

‘oh, i’ll give you my number.’ he briskly pats his trousers and recognises his lack of phone.

‘shit, sorry don’t have it. i’ll go check over there.’ he gets up to leave and you reach for his wrist.

‘no it’s fine’ you assure, tugging him back to his seat gently.

quickly grabbing a notepad from your bag, you scribble your number with a stray pen lurking at the bottom of the bag.

‘a lady that’s prepared huh?’

you shake your head playfully as you attempt to rip the paper in a straight-ish fashion. you’re suddenly aware you’re under scrutiny of the man in front of you and your heightened nerves cause you to tear haphazardly and make a huge mess of it. tiny scraps of paper fall from your hands as you sigh at yourself.

he chuckles and you meet his eyes. ‘god they’re right about blue eyes’ you think. as the saying goes, you found yourself drowning in them.

you jump slightly when he clears his throat and it’s your turn to feel embarrassed about being entranced. he’s wearing a smirk that you’re not sure if you should hit him or kiss him for.

‘here,’ he says, holding out his hand, palm faced-down onto the table in front.

‘you could write your number on there?’

‘yeah. good idea.’ you hold out your dominant hand and place the tip of the pen on the back of his sacrificial hand. you shakily inscribe your number and it’s a miracle you could remember it in the melt-down state you’ve found yourself in.

‘there.’ you pat your handiwork and fleetingly admire the natural art of chandler’s hands. you decide his faintly protruding veins and bones make for a particularly pretty exhibition.

‘thanks.’ he says.

‘no problem’ you reply.

sharing equally sheepish smiles, flushed cheeks and all, you look at each other. you look down at your watch and realise with regret you need to get to your job interview.

‘shit. i gotta go, job interview.’

‘oh wow. good luck, you’ll do great.’ he smiles kindly. ‘way too cute.’ you think.

he leaves his seat and you stand up next to him, putting your jacket on.

‘until next time?’ he proposes.

‘yeah of course.’ you gesture towards his hand containing your details. ‘call me.’

‘definitely.’ he grins at you and you grin back.

‘see you.’ you say, not really wanting this to end, but deciding that you’d like to have means to pay rent.

‘mhm.’ he replies, not seeming to be paying much attention, eyes casting over you as if he was trying to burn you into his memory. in a moment of uncharacteristic boldness, you get on your tip toes and kiss him gently on the cheek.

he blushes at this and gives you the biggest smile yet.

‘bye chandler.’ you squeeze his hand and make your way to the door you entered through, when you were completely unaware of the adorable guy sitting in the group of six obnoxious twenty-somethings. when walking out the door and past the windows of central perk, you don’t notice chandler sinking to the floor and clutching his heart. and you also didn’t know that this was a telltale sign that he had, literally and figuratively, fallen for you.

[thiswasinevitableid]

winter promts: 100 with ot4!! (mayb 2 double beds so they have room yknow)

I went with fluff rather than smut with this one, so there are references to sex but the fic is SFW. For context, Stern in this universe has a lot of anxiety around belonging somewhere.

100 from this list: The b&b we’re at asked if we wouldn’t mind sharing a room since we know each other and this snow storm has brought in some unexpected guests...one bed...three nights...

“I’m so sorry, sir.” The harried looking young woman behind the desk looks between Stern and Barclay, “between the blizzard and it already being New Years weekend, we’ve had to take in a few more people than expected.”

“So our room’s been given to someone else?” Stern puts on his professional demeanor, the one he uses to soothe tourists who’ve definitely seen something they shouldn’t

“Yes, unfortunately. The, the only room we have left is the cottage in the back. It sleeps four, but we can’t guarantee you wouldn’t have to share with another couple.”

“Uh, ‘scuse me, miss, but I think we can make that work.” Duck Newton steps around Barclay, Indrid busy looking over the many brochures on the far wall, “you see, my friend and I’d more than willing to bunk with these two, since they’re friends from back home. Assumin that’s alright with them?”

“Of course.” Stern smiles.

“Oh, thank you, thank you all for being so accommodating. And I’m sorry again about the inconvenience.”

---------------------------

“Well, that went better than expected.” Stern sets down his duffel bag on one of the two beds. 

“You’re tellin me, this is way easier than bookin the two next to each other and sneakin back and forth.”

“Yeah, had my fill of sneaking around.” Barclay adds, evaluating the small kitchen. 

“I mean, unless one of the other guests took a rather blurry photo of you, it’d be better than your previous attempts to ‘sneak’” Indrid is finally down unwrapping himself down to his sweatpants and the pink and yellow sweater Duck bought him. 

“You’re on to talk stealth, mr. my-pants-say-mothman-on-the-ass.” Barclay grabs said ass, making Indrid squeak.

“I am wearing them ironically.”

“Uh huh, sure.”

Duck, meanwhile, flops down on the bed where Stern is unpacking.

“Jesus, darlin, how many books did you bring?”

“Three. When Indrid said there’d likely be a blizzard, I assumed that would cut down on our outdoor activities. And cable is so atrocious these days.”

“So…” Duck tugs the front of his shirt, bringing him down for a kiss, “you really can’t think of another thing we’d be doin to stay out of the cold?”

“Duck, we can’t do that for three days straight.”

“You sayin you opposed to tryin?”

“I’m saying” Stern puts away the last of his clothing, “that I am a mortal man, and three days of non-stop fucking would probably kill me.”

“Hey, we’d stop some. Gotta eat, and sleep too. Probably throw in a few showers. Unless what does it for you is the smell of a bunch of sweaty dudes.”

Stern wrinkles his nose, and Duck laughs. 

“Oooh!” Indrid steps into the room, clapping his hands excitedly, “I’m going to take a bath.” He swings the bathroom door open, revealing a tub. It occurs to Stern, as the skinnier man strips down without delay, that none of them even bothered asking how Indrid knew the tub was there. 

Stern never thought he’d be around them long enough to get used to his boyfriend always being a bit ahead of him. 

He heads back into the main room of the cottage, finds Barclay unloading groceries. 

“Glad we stocked up before we left. Think trying to get the car down to that grocery store we passed would be impossible. I have had enough car-based hijinks for one lifetime, don’t need to add doing Icecapades in a Jeep to the list.”

“Car based hijinks?’

“Long story.” Barclay turns, offering his hand, “c’mon, agent, haven’t gotten to hold you nearly enough today.” The larger man stretches out on the couch, Stern laying so he’s cuddled against his chest.

A chirp-moan splashes out of the bathroom. 

“Guess Indrid’s got company.” Barclay chuckles. Another chirp, this one more of a trill, and Barclays legs shift as if he’s hiding something. Stern has a good guess as to what.

“Feeling the need to join them? I know you get wound up when Indrid makes sounds like that.” He traces a finger along the blue lines of Barclays plaid shirt. 

“Nah, not right now. Right now, kinda enjoying being all warm and cozy with the best thing to ever come out of the FBI in my arms.”

Stern snorts, kisses his chest. Let’s his mind wander like a cat searching for a sunny spot as intermittent moans continue reaching them. 

“Wait…there was a report from the 90s that I always thought was absurd. Something about Bigfoot stealing someone’s car. But the location, the timeline…”

“Uhhhh.”

“Oh my LORD, why would you steal a car?”

“Things got out of hand! Quickly.” Barclay regales him with the story, Stern doing his best to look affronted at the reckless behavior but tipping quickly into pure amusement. 

Barclay eventually coaxes Stern off of him so he can go ask the kitchen in the main B&B if they have cumin. Stern wanders into the bedroom and finds a now mothed-out Indrid falling asleep with Duck in his arms. The Sylph lifts the wing resting atop the human, an offer for Stern to join them. He does, looping his arms around Duck as the wing gently returns to its role as blanket. 

“You know” Indrid murmurs, “one of these days I ought to make you all moth disguises, just so I can see what all the fuss is about.”

“That could be a fascinating exercise.” Stern whispers.

“Hell yeah.” Duck wiggles in Sterns embrace “Mothman cuddles.”

--------------------------------------------------

Stern wakes up alone, though someone has thoughtfully draped a blanket over him. As he rouses, voices drift in from the living room. 

“Do you think he knows?”

“Judging by the futures, no.”

“Please tell me we’re tellin him soon. If I end up havin to try to lie about this it’s gonna go bad.”

Hmmmm, that is not the kind of conversation one wants to overhear their boyfriends having in hushed tones. 

He yawns exaggeratedly, assuming that will bring a hush over the trio. 

Instead, it brings a certain ranger right on top of him. Duck kisses him, smiling as he does, and all Sterns worries evaporate. 

“Perfect timin’, darlin, dinner’s almost ready.” 

“I’d love to join you all, but it appears I’m being attacked by a bear.” He smirks. Duck growls playfully, bending down to drag a rough kiss up his neck. Stern retaliates by placing a hickey on the first exposed patch of skin he sees. 

“You two are welcome to continue in that direction, but be warned I will eat any cheesecake not claimed in the next five minutes.”

“Indrid, that’s for dessert!”

“I reject such arbitrary notions of EEEEEEEP”

“Come on” Stern sits up, Duck coming with him, “let’s go make sure Indrids glasses don’t come off from Barclay throwing him over his shoulder. Again.”

----------------------------------------------------------

“The methodology in this show is truly abhorrent.” Stern rests his head on Ducks belly, the two watching one of the dozen ghost hunting shows airing on the Discovery Channel.

“No kiddin’. Also, these fellas startle so easy they’re doin a better job scarin themselves than any ghost could.”

Duck strokes his hair and he sighs, nuzzles at the slip of skin that’s showing between his boxers and white t-shirt. The boxers only went back on about ten minutes prior, as Stern had been seized with a desperate need to unhurriedly and lovingly suck his boyfriend off, fingers teasing and squeezing the thighs he so adores. 

The front door creaks open and whines closed, Barclay and Indrid walking in arm in arm. 

“Did you have a nice walk?”

“Indeed.” Indrid’s face is school-girl shy. 

“You’re blushin, ‘Drid.” Duck teases, before sitting up so animatedly that Sterns rolls to land facedown in his lap with an “oof.” 

“Holy shit, Barclay, did you work some kind of magic shit to make him willin’ to have sex in the snow? Because that’s fuckin impressive.”

“No, I am merely feeling a bit nostalgic.” Indrid unzips the first of his three outer layers. 

“The first time Indrid and I met was in the middle of a really, really bad winter.” Barclay sits on the edge of the bed, rubbing Sterns legs gently as he talks, “Uh, is it gonna weird either of you out to hear this?”

“No.” Stern reaches out to squeeze Barclays hand once, before returning it to rest comfortable on Ducks knee. 

“Nope. Gotta admit, been kinda curious about it ever since you first mentioned y’all had fucked around when you were younger.”

“Well, long story short, I was in a trailer park, renting a little spot while I tried to sort shit out. One night, I kept hearing noises I recognized as being from another Sylph. And whoever was making them sounded real upset. So I trudged out in my pajamas and followed the noise to this other trailer. Poked my head in and there was Indrid, looking sad as could be. And, y’know, like a giant fucking moth.”

“I was busy feeling sorry for myself and was therefore not watching the futures. It was startling to suddenly have a human in my space. At least until you took off you, hmmm, what was it then?”

“I think it was a ring. Anyway, once we were on the same page, Indrid just kind of started, uh-”

“You can say babbling. It’s an accurate portrayal. I was lonely, I’d been having a run of bad visions, and I’d found myself more homesick than made sense.”

“Aw, ‘Drid.” Duck opens his arm and the Sylph slips under it, Barclay scooching closer as well.

“I was also, shall we say, dealing with an unexpected spike in my arousal levels, almost like a heat. So I was craving touch and connection. I must have been a sight.”

“Yeah” Barclay rumbles, “a real cute one. Little moth.”

Indrid chirrs bashfully, pressing his face into the crook of Ducks neck.

“Anyway, ended up spending the next few days together. Bumped into each other a few times after that, but nothing could ever top finding him that first night.” Barclay smiles at his fellow Sylph, who continues making charming chirrs. After a moment, Indrid lifts his glasses, smiling at the trio. It starts off sweet, moves to wicked as he finishes his question.

“As I sense that’s brought a, ah, romantic air to the evening; would anyone care to help me push the beds together?”

------------------------------------------

Stern is about to be broken up with. He can tell. 

That morning he’d awoken with Indrid still snuggled up around him, purring softly, but when he stepped into the kitchen he’s certain Duck and Barclay had switched to an innocent topic at normal volume, rather than the whispers they’d been making before. 

Later, as they’re lounging about by the little bot-bellied stove, reading (or, in Indrid’s case, drawing), he noticed the pale-haired man taking care to not let him see certain pages. 

But truly, the most damning fact is that Stern has never had a relationship last more than a year, no matter how well it seemed to be going. And no matter how much logic he applies to the situation (Duck murmuring filthy suggestions for that night into his ear, Barclay kissing him any time he walked past, Indrid pulling him into the bedroom for a vigorous bout of sex), he cant stop thinking that the end has come. Patterns are patterns, and while he knows that’s a tautology, he can’t help feeling it offers some unshakeable truth.

It’s the early evening when Barclay, coming up behind him for a hug, says, “Damn, babe, your back is all knotted up.”

“It must be from the cold.” He replies, sighing when Barclay nuzzles his cheek.

“If you need to shake the chill, I found that bath yesterday quite helpful.” Indrid lilts.

And so Stern draws himself a bath and settles in with the “champagne” scented bubble bath provided by their hosts. How very seasonal.

Maybe they won’t do it until after the all return to the lodge. That makes the most sense, as it won’t ruin anybody’s trip. If that’s the case, maybe he ought to savor this last little bit of bliss. 

He does feel a little better after the bath, though he’s now covered in a faintly sugary smell that’s far better suited to Indrid than him. He pulls on one of the fluffy robes, heads into the main room to see if dinner is ready.

“SURPRISE!”

“JESUS!” He jumps, unprepared for the sight of his boyfriends standing around the table, at the center of which sits a cake and...are those fondue pots?

Hanging on the table is a banner, obviously handmade, that reads, “Happy Anniversary.”

“Anniversary?” He looks at the others, perplexed. 

“Little delayed, on account of we thought it’d be more fun to wait and do it now. And, uh, you had to fly back to D.C the actual week.” Duck says, stifling the giggles he got from Sterns surprised outburst, “but it’s the one year anniversary of when you turned up in Kepler. Kinda. And we wanted to celebrate you comin into our lives, even if it scared the livin hell out of us--you okay, city mouse?” Duck’s face falling is the last thing Stern sees before his head collapses into his hands, his built up dread pushing out of his body in shuddery gasps. 

Barclay’s arms are around him in an instant, “Hey, babe, hey, it’s alright. We’re so fucking glad you turned up.”

“It’s, it’s not that.”

“Oh dear.” 

He glances over Barclay’s shoulder, sees Indrid coming out of a peek at the futures.

“Oh pet, did you really think all the secrecy was because we were going to leave you?”

“Wait, what?” Ducks glances at Indrid, who nods, “Joe, we’re crazy about you. Hell, Barclay was flirtin with you even when he thought you might put him in area 51 or some shit.”

“I, I know. It, it seems silly in retrospect but unfortunately my track record is a bit bleak. I once had a date I’d been seeing casually for six months sneak out the bathroom window while we were out to dinner. Never heard from him again. Another called me up the day after I got accepted into the UP and said we could never see each other again. We’d been fine two days before.”

“Yeeesh” Barclay kisses his forehead, “can see why you got jumpy.”

“Even so, I’m afraid I let my anxiety drive more than I should have. I’m sorry”

“Unnecessary apology accepted.” Indrid teases, pulling out a chair, “come, Barclay’s been having to beat me off with a stick the entire time he was making that red velvet cake and my patience is waning.”

“You didn’t mind the spatula to the ass.”

Indrid chirps, mock affronted, and Duck snickers, settling across from Indrid as Stern and Barclay take their seats. 

“Only you could manage fondue in a rental cottage.” Stern smiles fondly at the cook. 

“I’ve got like, a dozen fondue sets. Jake keeps giving them to me at the holidays. I’m not sure if it’s a joke, or if he just forgets he’s gotten me that before. This year he put Hollis’s name on it too.”

“That...explains the color palette.” Stern grabs one of the black skewers from the yellow pot. To his side he sees Indrid set his hand out on the table, Duck’s coming to rest in it automatically, as if the two were made for each other. 

“Hold up” Duck uses his free hand to lift his glass, “wanna make a toast. Here’s to makin it through the end of the world, to findin each other even if the mess of monster-huntin that was our lives and” he grins at Stern, “here’s to the fact no one could lie well enough to keep you from stayin at the lodge.”

Stern raises his glass and clinks it with the others, smiling back as he murmurs, “cheers.”

[c0rpseductor]

our landlord has been ILLEGALLY trying to wring $100 extra out of us (meaning mostly my mom) each time for utilities in addition to our regular rent, which my mom had no way to pay. we have housing assistance so my mom explained to him like 9 trillion times if he wants extra money, legally he needs to go to the housing offices and update the lease with them. he still harassed her about it for ages.

FIIIINALLY he went there himself and got them to pay the extra shit he wanted, but since he’s a demon, he now says we’re behind because we “owe” him a bunch of those extra payments he asked for illegally. so according to our landlord, we owe him over $500.

he didn’t give us receipts for TONS of our payments and could just as easily produce some dubious paperwork to get us evicted, so my mom is taking out a loan to give him the money right away. since, yknow, we’re poor and don’t have it.

i wish i was further transitioned so i could fucking work again because this is absurd and i feel awful i don’t have money to pitch in over all this

[lovenotesuggestions]

My landlord is being such a dick. My mom was late on rent ONCE, just last week, because all of our bills hit all at once (and rent is more than $900, so uhh). Our landlord decided to tell my mom he was gonna do inspections inside, and my mom was out of town (I was home tho) so she said no because she’s out of town. The next day, they’re at our house looking around the outside taking pictures and shit. I didn’t mind that, what I minded was when I got up from my computer and turned around, (1-?)

Landlord was in the window right behind me with his phone up to it. I could see him through my curtains, but since it was darker in my room than outside he couldn’t see me. Scared tf out of me. Then a bit after that he tried getting in the house, trying to open the front and back door, and even going as far as to try to open the windows in my bedroom. I was home alone so it scared me shitless, so ofc I told my mom. My mom texted him if he tried to open my window and they were all defensive (2-?)

Saying stuff like “don’t turn this into a cause!!” (Which, what? What does that even mean??). They then left a note under our door saying if we didn’t let them in the house (and make a new house key for them bc for some reason they didn’t have one?) then they would change the locks. So ofc my mom was like can ya wait until we get home please?? But they wouldn’t. So my grandma picked me up so I wasn’t alone with them there at the house. Now today, my mom just told me that they’re charging (3-4)

Her an extra $100 for the rent being late, which, she says is understandable bc yknow late fees. The problem is we had an arrangement to pay half the rent every 2 weeks when we got paid (so it was always on time), and he decided that arrangement isn’t gonna work anymore and we have to pay in full today (July 1st) which we don’t have the money. I’m just so mad, this is so shitty and they know exactly what they’re doing

Yikes, their behaviour is SUPER shitty, and I’m so sorry you’re going through that - that sounds so distressing. 

Make sure you keep records of all communication between you (so it’s better to communicate by text or email rather than by phone to make sure you can keep records of it if you can) and look up your rights as tenants. I don’t know about where you live, cause it will be different in different countries/states, but where I live tenants have a right to ‘quiet enjoyment of the property’ which means landlords can’t just barge in without giving you a certain amount of notice, and you have a right to request that you’re present whilst the landlord is in your property. And changing the locks sounds superduper illegal because that sounds pretty tantamount to like evicting you with no notice??? which is against the law in most places. And the landlord should have a key just in case there was an emergency and they needed to access the property. The whole situation sounds super sketchy tbh, so I think y’all should research what your rights are, and send your landlord a message in writing (preferably a letter or email) to say that you have xyz rights to xyz things according to xyz law, and their recent behaviour has been in breach of those rights, and if their behaviour continues, you’ll be forced to take further action. The whole “don’t make this a cause” thing sounds like he knows he’s in the wrong and he’s just trying to scare you off of fighting for fair treatment. 

Sending solidarity and love friend, I know how rough it can be to have to deal with a shitty landlord, and I hope they back the heck down soon and let you get on with your lives in peace 💗

[tumblunni]

Random headcanon: Dr Maddiman's heart is like a health meter. Contrary to what you'd think, the normal part is the illness and the green part is the health.

Cos it sorta symbolizes..like..how 'dr maddiman' he is. I had the thought that maybe zombie type yokai come from people who cant quite let go of their past life and accept becoming a yokai. So their reborn self is sickly and twisted. Maddiman is even more tied to the place he died, so his yokai form even manages to pull off looking halfway like a regular person, and he's able to morph back into not just an illusion of a human form but an exact replica of his human self. Though only while he's in the hospital and only for a short amount of time before he starts turning back. This is usually pretty traumatic for him because if he stays too long transformed he starts to fall into the delusion that he's really human. When he was working for mckraken and tasked with eliminating you in the first game he kept getting distracted going through the motions of normal day to day life at his hospital, when he could have just started the boss fight immediately and saved time. Of course the other conclusion is that he just likes doing supervillainous presentation, or that mckraken didnt have any confidence maddiman would actually win so he ordered him to do it this long way and act as a distraction instead. *shrug*

ANYWAY BACK TO THE MAIN HEADCANON wow i go off on tangeants a lot

So his 'health meter' is linked to how much he's able to let go of his past trauma and accept his new life as a yokai. Basically his emotional pain as a human correlated to illness, and the only cure is Help Sad Dad Be Less Sad. Heal his literal broken heart!

At the beginning his heart just looked like a normal heart, aside from obviously now being out of his chest as a weak point. For the first few years of his death he was practically on the verge of a second death! His mind was so clouded that he was practically like a feral animal, spending every day only walking in circles around his lab- picking up stuff and putting it back down again, tearing every book apart trying to read it, scratching at the glass of Hans's tank, scrawling formulas all over the walls and just generally being really goddamn manic. Just completely fuckin terrified constantly, tormented by hallucinations with noone there to help him. Constantly feeling this deadline hanging over his head for something he couldnt even remember. A deadline that he couldnt remember had already passed and he was already dead. So yeah...at this stage he was just the big scary ghost haunting this wreckage, blindly attacking anyone who strayed into his territory and unknowingly destroying his own hospital in the process. His health was super bad at this point and he had to constantly drain hearts to keep from fading away. Even the other yokai who came to haunt this place were afraid of him, since he'd attack indiscriminately. But at the same time the legend of this haunting would attract those yokai looking for a good hunting ground, and if you learned how to deal with the weird dude in the basement it was a pretty sweet deal. Plus his boss level power was a good defense against your rivals! What would eventually become maddiman's friendship with these yokai began as them running away from him and tricking their enemies into the path of his vampiric rage! (Madds apologised profusely for this once he was back in his right mind)

The company of other yokai slowly started to help maddiman become more lucid. But he still had no clue who he was and the only thing left in his heart was "i need to finish my work" without even knowing what it was! You'd think that not being able to remember why he was sad would help him move on, but the pain bled through even when everything else was lost. He just didnt know WHY he was sad, which made him even more desperate to finish his work! And these other yokai started helping him with it. Even if they also had no clue wtf he was doing, it was a mutually beneficial relationship to basically 'pay rent' to the boss of the area. Madds's requirements were a lot lower than most other boss yokai, i mean he never even wanted to be a boss yokai and didnt know any of the rules about it. Didnt even notice all these people moved into his house until now! This was also around the time that he started using that IV stand, before that he'd just nom on those lil cartoon hearts like the most adorable terrifying hellbeast ever :3 The IV stand works better for gradual distribution of emotion energy throughout his bloodstream, so he only has to steal one heart a day. And then once every few days, once a week, gradually gradually getting better.

A few years before the start of the game, he met McKraken! This actually helped him a lot, the big villain dude was kinda the closest friend he'd had in all these decades. McKraken had heard the legends of some super powerful boss yokai living in this hospital, and wanted to recruit it to his cause. But he was kinda flabbergasted to find this harmless-looking doofus sad dad who invited him in for tea and just generally managed to break through his grumpiness barriers and WHOOPS I GUESS FRIENDSHIP HAPPEN! Madds never actually really knew wtf mckraken's evil plan was, he was just like 'yeah sure i'll help with whatever the something, new best buddy!' Well, maddiman didnt really know much about the yokai world in general since he hadnt left his laboratory since he died. Mckraken started off like 'ehh i'll be friends with this guy if it means i can use him. Wow it sure is great ti have such an easily manipulateable pawn!' But oops alas his heart ended up being the easily manipulateable one, and before he knew it he was (oh no!) HANGING OUT AND STUFF! He'd do random lil chores of niceness for this dude who was too scared to leave his lab, even though lowering himself to the level of wearing a human disguise was the greatest of dishonor. But, yknow, madds likes that shitty human cola and uhh yeah hmm i just need to manipulate him yeah no affection here. And also i can imagine Maddiman obliviously hitting on him by accident, he's just like 'wow ive never seen such a rare yokai before, i need to research you!!' *buries him in compliments* *also takes several vials of blood and dandruff samples* And mckraken is like "fuck am i really falling for this idiot, he only wants me for my body (literally)" "LET ME HAVE A KIDNEY, I ONLY NEED THE ONE"

Anyway this has gone off on a real big tangeant but in summary maddiman makes even more friends and happy memories through the course of the games and someday he will be able to let go of his painful past. And its just my random headcanon that when that happens his heart will finish turning 100% green because itd be cool to have a symbolic signifier ykno?

Also maddiman x mckraken is a good ship but maddiman x ex wife is also a good ship and dammit why is this random potato dad so shippable???

[nukenai]

life stuff

Went to my sister’s last night for costume work and a makeup test because I’m doing a silly costume for the con in 2 weekends. During the makeup stuff me and my sister talked a lot about good stuff. I talked about frustrations with living in this house - like, I’d love to own it someday. Oma always tells me I’d never be able to afford it. Sister is sure it’s just because Oma doesn’t like the idea of not being here, and having to move on from the house, y’know.

So then my sister tells me she’s actually really attached to the house, and doesn’t want to see it sold or anything. She really wants me to take the house and live in it. It’s been paid off for 20+ years, and yeah taxes are a little much but also. No mortgage???

The problem was that there’s a lot to be fixed up. When my uncle came by the other day he despaired a little bit about it, saying “there’s just too much” to be done. Jen brought up that my uncle and aunt have only ever bought brand new houses that never needed any work, while the two of us grew up in fixer-upper houses. We’ve moved in to houses with 2 livable rooms and have had to spend months fixing up other rooms before we could use them. She said she’d be totally willing to help me fix the house.

I think the main problem with it was just that after Opa got sick, there wasn’t really any upkeep on it. Oma had to spend all her time taking care of him. Then especially when mom (dying) and me moved in, yknow. God knows I couldn’t, and still can’t really, do much heavy house upkeep.

I even told Jen I’m getting a hedgehog next week. And she supported me about it. She assured me she really does want to support me for things and to not hesitate to ask for help with stuff. Which I appreciated. It’s very different from the vibes I’ve been getting for the past long time.

With my aunt and uncle, they’re very good people but very pessimistic in terms of everything. I really didn’t even think about how it could’ve come from how privileged they are. They live in a nice neighborhood and have, like I said, always had really nice move-in-ready perfect houses that’ve needed no work. They have a cat and a dog now, and at Christmas my aunt made some comment that she feels like her house is a mess/dirty/smelly now because of them. Me and my sister-in-law were so confused because there’s NO difference in their house. Because of things like that, I can understand why they’d look at things like a slightly shabby basement, or tilted retaining walls in the backyard and feel nothing but despair and feel like it’s unable to be fixed, lol.

There IS lots of work to be done in the house. Off the top of my head the yard needs clearing. Lots of dead plants in old garden areas, and like I said the little brick walls (my Opa built them, he was a mason) are all tilted and rotting away. We have a building we call “the shack” which is attached to the garage. The garage part is in perfect condition but the shack is an absolute nightmare, filled with old lawncare tools and lawnmowers and stuff that hasn’t been used in at least a decade. So it would need to be torn down. Then the living room and hallway carpets need to be ripped up definitely, they’re so old and terrible.

But really that’s... kinda it. Everything else is pretty fine. Oma goes on about how it’s an “old house” but my sister’s house is over 100 years old... lol... and I’m sure my dad would wanna help too.

I guess it’s just all terrifying, because I’m sitting in this weird transitional period like, “I want to own the house, but does that mean I’m sitting around waiting for Oma to die???”

The house has 5 bedrooms, basically. I would, for sure, love to live with other people, rent the rooms out. My girlfriend wants to move out here possibly this year, I’m not exactly sure how that’s gonna work with timing but y’know. I would be fine staying in the room I’m in now, and then there’s a master bedroom with its own half bathroom attached. And the basement is finished, someone could honestly live down here if it was fixed up just a little bit more.

I’m also dealing with so many other struggles like the fact that I’m at a “wit’s end” situation with my dog. Don’t get me wrong at all, this dog is my everything, and I think that’s part of the problem. He has become too much for me with his medical issues that arise sometimes. It’s really hard when you’re absolutely the sole caretaker of a special needs animal, and have completely zero support. It emotionally drains me more than anything. The problem is that I also rely on Striker a whole lot for emotional support. I already contacted a Border Collie rescue about taking him, but they couldn’t because they have too many special-needs dogs right now. Pets are my life and my main source of happiness, I’ve had Striker since he was the tiniest baby, he’s going to be 10 in less than a month. He was what mainly kept me going after I lost my mom. It’s gonna be so hard. I don’t want to just have him put to sleep, there’s no reason for it, but he’s also absolutely not adoptable. His aggression can be too unpredictable, even for me sometimes.

I talked to my sister about that too. She said I really do seem like I’m at an “I’m done” stage. She’s the same way with her cat - he’s 14, and for the past 2 years he’s been getting treatments for kidney failure. Every other day she has to give him SubQ fluids. She doesn’t have a problem doing it, but he’s also getting a bit sicker and is having episodes of collapsing. She said once his bad days outnumber his good, she’ll have him put down. And she’s okay with it. She’s come to terms with it. She’s realizing, it’s becoming a little too much for her. He was expected to live for like, 6 months after the treatments started, but it’s been 2 years. He’s had a great run for a cat with that kind of illness.

So she said my situation is similar. Striker isn’t sick, but he’s intensely special needs. Like I said, I’m his sole caretaker. Which means he needs to be crated when I’m not home. When you work full time, that is shitty for an animal. I’ve done my absolute best in caring for him, but it’s just getting to be too much. It’s a selfish thing, but my sister was reminding me of the kind of freedom I’d have if I manage to rehome him. I’d have so much stress lifted from me. And it’s the same with her cat: always being worried when out of the house - what if something happens?, can’t really go away without someone caring for them... She needs someone to do his treatments every time she leaves the house. I need to board Striker whenever I leave, which always adds at least $200 to my bill.

And yeah, “well you chose to get a dog”. I chose to get a dog when I lived with my mom, who was not dying, who helped me take care of him. Striker was a family dog! Our other dog was getting older, and we knew we didn’t want to live with a dog. I was just about to graduate high school and my mom worked weird house. It worked so great. But then, you know, inoperable brain tumor.

And I need to give myself credit. I really do. I could have 100% dropped Striker at a shelter where he would’ve been euthanized immediately. I’ve spent 8 whole years taking care of him SOLELY BY MYSELF, dealing with his issues, completely adjusting my life around him and giving up so many opportunities for his sake. But I’ve reached the point where it’s just not good for either of us.

People get so judgmental and I worry I’d get comments like, “so why are you getting a hedgehog then??” I love pets, and it’s so much easier to care for a caged animal. I have plans when I go away. The birds and the mouse are fine, I just make sure they have water and enough food for a few days. They don’t need consistent supervision. The lizard is mostly ok, my sister has stopped by to give her water and feed her before, and really likes taking care of her. She does that for me. I asked her if she would be able to babysit the hedgehog if I go away, and she said of course. We rarely go away places at the same time, usually just the one convention a year. And in those times I find someone else to take care of my critters. And I pay everyone but my sister, who has refused my money lol.

So... I know this is long it’s just a life rant about shit that’s going on. I get so full of fear feeling like I’d be “abandoning Striker”, and I really do feel like for some time my life will completely fall apart when I don’t have him. It will be the weirdest thing in the world. I’ve never had to deal with losing a pet like a dog that I’ve had for this long. A struggle is finding a place that will actually take him. Cause on one hand, it’s nearly impossible to think about giving him up, but I want him to be able to live out his last years in a place he deserves, where he can get better, more fulfilling care. But then again, will I even be able to find a place?

Everything’s just super hard and I’m doing everything I can to take little bits of happiness wherever I can find them.

[rivetgoth]

Oh trashtalk some bands for us 👀

Oh hell yes, but actuallyyyy you know what my post was specifically referring to? Not any one singular band but just in general....... the fact that I know SOOOOO many people who only seem to give a shit about the most mainstream popular bands ever, and then have the audacity to make posts like “hard to swallow pills: your favorite musicians don’t actually care about you, they just want money :(“ or make posts about how their favorite artists actually hate touring or their concert tickets are overpriced or how rude and inaccessible their favorite musicians are to their fans LOL.

Like, okay, to each their own, y’all can enjoy whatever music you want, but when I constantly see posts like THAT and then those same people only like the most normie entry level mainstream stuff, I just feel so fucking sad because WOW get better taste LMAO. Like, I’ve been way too deep in the industrial subculture for forever and I can say with complete genuine certainty that the musicians who go out and tour and sell GA tickets for 20$ and VIP for like 50$.... aren’t doing it for the money. Ogre barely makes enough money to cover the costs of the tour when he tours, and both times I’ve met him while he’s been on tour all he’s done the whole time is 1) thank me for buying VIP specifically so he could afford basic expenses like renting the tour bus 2) gush endlessly about how much fun he’s having and how much he loves touring and his “tour family” and how it’s the best time ever and he feels like a little kid again when he’s on tour. He BROKE HIS JAW last tour and when I saw him he went on forever about how sad he was that the tour was coming to a close because he was having so much fun. Jared Louche has been making a million posts on Facebook ever since the Chemlab tour ended just going on and on about how deeply sad he is that it’s come to an end and how much he misses the stage and his bandmates and meeting fans. These musicians aren’t out here making a shitload of money on concert tickets that cost hundreds of dollars and then VIP packages that cost thousands of dollars and involve, like, one autograph and a photo. They’re people who are passionate about making music and want to bring it to life on a stage and it’s fun for them and it matters to them, as do their fans.

When I went to Cold Waves, yknow there’s a big focus there on suicide prevention. The festival began as a memorial event for a member of the Chicago industrial community who committed suicide and a ton of the money goes to a suicide prevention organization. Between sets you have speakers (also important members of the community) come up and talk about that, and one of them focused really heavily on how much the audience matters. He said something like “You guys are here for the musicians but to the musicians you’re all the real stars here tonight!” and honestly every single industrial musician I’ve had the huge honor to meet has gone above and beyond to prove that, with wildly cheap prices that barely cover basic costs of touring to reflect that. Like, Ogre fucking deserves to make more than 50$ for a VIP ticket LMAO. I paid 100$ and got to spend HOURS on his bus last year AND hang out during soundcheck AND he fucking provided drinks for everyone.

These same people who always make posts about how musicians actually hate their fans tend to also reblog posts about how “the music you listen to isn’t a personality trait XD” and that just reeks to me or someone who’s never been deeply involved within a subculture where people are brought together through a shared deep connection of music that means something very special and personal to them, like the industrial & goth music subcultures. I just see these people out here who seem like they’re constantly disappointed by their favorite musicians, or can’t imagine having a good time at a concert and make a million posts complaining about how unpleasant the atmosphere was or whatever, or they complain about the prices of the tickets or the way the musicians talk about their fans and it’s just. Not only very sad but wildly unrelatable to me lol. Like sorry I’m part of a good music community full of people who actually care about their fans and care about their music and are doing something that comes from passion and care and not money IG??? And the people who are pretentious dickheads towards their fans and about money (coughAlJourgensencough) end up being the target of every joke ever because they fuckin deserve it LMFAOO.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:39pm.

A sis finna drown in these edges.

Or moreso her own tears, so lmfaooo lets get it.

Sunday, August 30th of 2020.

I turned 20.

Anyways.

And I'm distressed, for a lot of reasons:

My boyfriend is a great guy, and he was when we first met as well. He was annoyingly my type. When you're like, "Damn it, stop checking all of the boxes you asswipe." I think I liked him for multiple reasons; I met him on Discord. In a chat where a lot of the people on there liked me. (It was mostly men, but to be fair, even the girls bonded with me. Which really feels nice, having a friend group that feels like home even when it isn't home.)

I guess a lot of things were clear when I met him. 1) He had an obnoxiously girthy slangin ass dick. It was the size of a coke can and maybe even thicker, how the actual fuck? (The discord had an nsfw server in it, and it was also where I flourished telling some good sexual stories or giving people advice.) 2) He was super slim. That's not 100% a type for me, but well, I'll be more comfortable with someone built like me rather than the Juggernaut on a date, or for a late night. 3) He had money. I wasn't targeting him for his money, it just so happened conveniently that while I was thinking about how I want to date someone who can provide for me, oh look, he's in the Discord, talking about how he makes thousands at his new job and doesn't pay rent. And, wanting a girlfriend. So, yeah.

But even that didn't get 100% of my interest. Lots of people have money, but there's a big difference between dating Tiger Woods and Tyga, or Lil Wayne or Bruce Wayne. Personalities, and morals and all that. But after a little flirting or saying "I'm in a bad mood. Blaze, post your dick" or "What's up big cock" as a joke when he entered the chat every day, we did start talking. And by talking, I mean that my constantly zoned out ass would sleep for large chunks of the day, paint, or be on the server, while he inboxes me tons and tons of messages.... I wasn't ignoring him on purpose. I was just exhausted, and confused, with the mindset of "It's not like I can even date someone right now, when will I ever leave my house in a pandemic?????"

Then, the chat server meetup day came. People egged me into showing up, so I did with joy. Personally DMed him if he wanted to show up too.... Said he might be too late, since it would end by the time he showed up.

But the day of, the picnic had lasted hours longer. And he had no other birthday plans, so he came! And considering how quiet I was because being 19 and around tons of 28+ year olds, who have only known me for two weeks or so, and them going "What's a vibe check?", as I doodle the meme in my sketchbook with all my watercolor pens.... It was awkward, but his also awkward presence made it better.

He kept ignoring me when I waved at him, or trying to message me from like 6 ft away..... Not even for social distancing reasons, but because anxiety from both people. Eventually I went to stand out in the sun to stretch, he walked up and joined me, but kept not knowing what to say, walking 8 ft back into the shade, and then texting me something, walking back up to me.... rinse and repeat.

Eventually I just, as he turned away once more with his hands in his pockets and shoulders high and head slumped, had said "So were you gonna go to the shade and text me something 3 ft away again, or are you gonna say something in person?" (Something along those lines... my memory fails me, but it sure as hell made him smile and come back to me again, lmfao.)

Had a great time the rest of the day. I didn't see him as a romantic prospect. But yknow, a cute shy guy with limited social skills. Fun to be with. Made lots of puns and jokes. And, hovered near me a lot. I think I found it really endearing. "Aww look, this very shy grown man is bashful around me. He has no idea what to do, but it's still obvious as hell what's going on here."

And I think eventually after getting tired from playing Frisbee with him and our friend Duck, we sat in the shade in silence for a bit. Pulp Fiction silence vibing can be healthy for a dynamic. I saw some swings. Just straight up said, "Those are nice swings...." "Yeah, they are." "....We're going on the swings." "Oh! Um, okay haha." "And you're the one I'm pushing." *intense chuckling*

And bet your ass that I pushed a 28 year old man on the swings for his birthday. He was incredibly light, it was super easy.

He also kept lowkey bragging about how much he made. "I made 60k last year! I have, like, 27k in the bank right now from my job man! I got to spend like 500 dollars all on Converse just last week!"

He seemed genuinely amused though, I wasn't too outwardly impressed but I let him know I felt happy for him.

And we started dating after I eventually nudged him into asking me out on a date sooner; went to a really dope pasta and italian spot where I got extremely lactose intolerant afterwards, and that sparked a nice start to a relationship.

3:38pm.

Feeling better. Might not write the rest of this. Thanks for listening. Stay safe yalls, peace out fams.

[shaddy-bee]

I KNOW ITS BEEN LIKE 300 YEARS BUT-

5 things you’ll find in my bag

Right now theres uhh Notebooks, both school and 1 art. Drink mix ins, with such great flavors as sour apple jolly rancher and crush pineapple (tm) Two packs of cards, one of which steam punk themed and the other your regular ol bicycle. A calculator. Its a shitty old one but its for tests, i have google and shit for anything i need myself.

5 things you’ll find in my bedroom

A roommate. Idk if he is gay or what but he isnt straight, name’s will. Chill dude. Sleepin rn, what a fella MY SICK ASS COMPUTER IM MISSING OUT ON BECAUSE MY ROOMMATE IS ASLEEP AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WANNA PLAY ROCKET LEAGUE WITHOUT LAGGING TO HELL also programming my mods. Need to upload that shit. Shit what number we on, 3? Okay cool. A bed. Wow really a bed in your bedrooM? yeah its pretty fuckin spectacular i know. I dont have posters n shit so like i gotta be creative you feel. A microfridge. Now i know what youre thinking, “ah a small fridge whats the big deal?” but no you dont understand, its a microwave fucking bolted onto the top of a fridge. They gave zero fucks attaching these two together and apparently the name is the same way, WHY NOT A FRIDGEWAVE EVEN LIKE MICROFRIDGE JUST SOUNDS LIKE A SMALL FRI- Last but not least, im tempted to just say my wallet here tbh, cuz its old but like, youd EXPECT that now would you? Something boring and mundane for me to fill out the word count with making everything super exciting so nah man, fuck it. Theres air in my bedroom. Fight me.

5 things I’ve always wanted to do in my life

Make a videogame. Like okay, a lot of stuff on this list is jokes and stuff, and I know im going into too much detail and my followers will probably murder me in cold blood for this shit, but im serious about this one like - i have some ideas, but i never have the motivation alone to like work whole-heartedly and finish one but like, at some point in the future id love to sit down and just go at it and make a game. Doesnt matter if its popular or big or small just i wanna make something that i love ya feel? I wanna like, go to newark, delaware. I know, its delaware and all, no one lives there, but ive met a bunch of cool people there and i was promised a donut run sometime, so lookin forward to that. Yknow that post awhile back that was like “i dont wanna be rich and like buy shit, i just wanna have enough money to throw at kickstarters whenever i want without having to strain on my food and rent costs” thats me. 100% Like i wanna have just enough money to be able to donate to cool people and watch them do cool shit - it wont always work out but thats fine, I just love shit. I wanna be able to donate like the high prize and fly out to meet these game studios for coffee and shit and just talk with em and see their passion and ideas. I love it. Im not actually really sure besides those. Like idk. I think itd be cool to enter a game tournament with my brother and win, but i doubt thatll happen and its not super like on my desires just itd be cool cuz we named ourselves Sora and Shiro after NGNL and to see that like, have us win would be great. Yeah. Ill make my fifth to think of a fifth one.

5 things on my to do list

FLOPPY DICKS i mean disks. Floppy disks. I do binding of isaac ab+ modding shit, and im currently working (its mostly done for what i want it to do) which adds a new consumable called floppy disks, effects are based on viruses, bugs, and just computer based shit. Like BSOD for instance, which makes the screen literately bluescreen. Or atleast look like it. Cant wait to watch people play with it. I gotta work on the programming class project too but honestly i dont waannnaaa. Like its cool as shit. Recreate a card game using c++ code. But man, i just love Apocrypha and Floppies so much more. Eat today???? Please. Dining hall opens in 3 hours. Its goddamn 4 am. I want my food. Dunno if ill get it - if ill stay awake till then. But i want it. Probably draw some stuff? Like i posted one drawing already (check it out if u wanna ;) kay?) but like theres wacom tablets here i can just kinda use whenever???? its great. I love being able to just draw stuff on em. Even if i suck at drawing, even if it took 10 hours to make the one i posted here, still love. Probably play more rocket league. Sleep first, soon as i get that food im CRASHIN BOI IM OUTTIE HA but uhh, rocket league has a halloween thing rn and i like playing it. Was playing earlier today and i matchd with a dude in 2v2 that had the same car, skin, AND colors set up as mine. Totaly random. We kicked some major ass together. I kept thinking of the same hat comic the entire time. (also my card was superior because it had furry ears on it ;))

5 things that make me happy

Getting an idea for a thing and working at said thing until like boom it went from this abstract idea to now it has a physical form and it works! And its fun and its great and i can share it with other people and they can have fun too!!!! that feeling is wonderful.  Obviously friends man. Just doing shit with people can be so great sometimes - like not all the time sure but like man. Its nice to talk to people and share experiences and just smile and tell bad jokes and have them groan but like it anyway like thats the shit. Going out at 2 am and walking to a nearby run down schoolyard and swinging on the swingsets and watching shooting stars burn up. Thats the good shit. Getting tents and setting em up in your friends back yard when your friend from far away comes up for a few days, and playing ridiculous games in a group like kick the can or fuckin zombie screaming your lungs out in the dark to freak em out, or just talkin around a fire about fuckin life man. The people make life great. Shits worth living for. I realize that last answer covered a LOT of shit but like, im just gonna add here videogames. Would be amiss if i didnt mention that, considering the rocket league rant above lmao. Yeah i better not make this category any longer.

5 things I’m (currently) into

Isaac modding, probably will be for awhile. Its good shit. As a suggestion from one of the people I work with (we also fuck around its a good time) i have started watching space dandy. Its a slow progress through lol like an episode or two a day but god man like its pretty ridiculous and the main character is pretty much everything i was expecting from seeing him everywhere. Rocket league again. It comes and goes with various different games to tide me over, give me a break from working. Bout 2 months ago or so said relaxing time was dominated by anime - i suddenly went on like a massive streak of watching shit. By that i mean, i watched all of hunter x hunter in like 2 weeks, among other shows prior to it. But yeah. Fuck man HXH I LOVED THE KING WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I have too many emotions about that. I wrote a rant to the Groupchat (tm) about the fucking battle and how everything is in slow motion but it fucking like makes it like foreshadowed and have so much of an impact and still so much fucking happens even while everything runs at super slow mo just GOD KLASFJBHUGHASFIUHIPJASK anyway. Yeah. Music, as always im listening to like constantly. Wireless headphones are a wonder for this, but uhh....i cant say im especially into any specific thing rn right? Like a bit ago i was super into joywave and then that faded out and now im just listening to whatever random shit, yknow? But I am into music in general. Its good. Art! A lot of times i dont do shit like for drawing right, like especially not in like pencil in notebooks but like, i sorta started doing a lot more art stuff? Like i had a period awhile back last year where i stopped using pencils and used only pens and i just loved the aesthetic of the ink like how it looked (funny how im doing the opposite of the fucking inktober though, huh?) but yeah im back into using pencils to draw shit occasionally. Im still terrible at drawing people (which is what i see mostly everyone drawing on tumblr lmao RIP) but its fun to sketch stuff out and just let my thoughts run and bounce to some music and shit right? Also the tablets. Especially with the tablets.

5 things people may not know about me (at least on tumblr)

I basically constantly wear sweatshirts, and they all have like earbuds where the strings go. All the earbud shits are broken pretty much, like occasionally they work (the one i have rn does) but like, i dont ever really use them? i have wireless headphones for my phone and a headset (because i need the mic for my computer) for said computer so like, idk. But yeah. I rarely take em off when im not home, and sometimes even when i am i just kinda keep em anyway? (also just now i realized i talked in the section for room shit about all the stuff in my current dorm, my room at home has all KINDS of wierd fucking shit in it. Really missed an opportunity there.) Like many people i like to stay hydrated and shit, but drinking water all the time seemed like a chore more than anything so i got like drink mix ins and shit, mio’s or whatever offbrand version you can find at your local SUPERSTORE CONGLOMERATE. I drink em like all the time pretty much so atleast im health in one way :P. Also gummy vitamins. I dont excercise but you can only ask for so much. Idk, its hard to think of things for this section because tumblr knows so little about me yknow? Like i never make my own posts or shit like its SUPER rare so im pretty much just tryna find random facts but that might not be interesting? Like i have a bad habbit of like talking way too loud when im excited about something right? Not quite yelling but like getting there and like idk. See? Thats not super interesting but it is something no one online would be able to really know ya feel? Idk. I mean physically im kinda fat as you do, but im also like wierdly strong? Like for someone who never works out i sure do have arm strength if nothing else lmao. My endurance is shit tho. Honestly? I can only blame it on osu and groceries. Osu is just a game i like where you mash buttons to the beat of weaboo shit tier music. The groceries is just because like, well, my policy is Least Trips Possible which means carrying in 13 bags at a time if need be it, fuck it milk too? And a watermellon? Bring it. 

Who am I tagging? Idk man. Just for shits and stuff tho i do wanna tag @theoriginalyami just to see what all’s changed in teh long time since i actually went to fill it out :P Dont feel like you have to add as much as me tho omg @milkchocolateowl because honestly? love you. Think about you a lot, just like glad im mutuals with that ray of sunshine. Good. @fantaledfish <3 (this is the friend i mentioned earlier, runs a QUALITY blog i guarantee it, better than mine for sure) @dragonfucker-supreme always top in my notes, a silent bond, like two guards assigned to watch back to back in the early dawn. Birds gather round. I can only tag so many people (i set myself a limit of 5 because...idk why i just mentally it felt right) so for my last trick gotta go with @ask-oncies-jizz like cmon man name changes for the win, also has quality icons and quality shitposts tbh, supreme top meme. Have fun yall.

[elfrightsactivist]

Hey. Im a beginning writer and I saw your post about trans characters. Im cis but i want to do it properly. What would you like to see? How do I make them come out? Sorry i just want this to be good yknow? Thanks

Hi there! Thank you for asking, and never apologise for wanting to be respectful about including people. I wish more people did that. 

I tried to make this short at first but it’s just impossible for me, so buckle up because I’m passionate about this. 

Same as with writing any minority, including trans people in your story doesn’t mean you get to talk about the experience of belonging in said minority. While you might have some empathy, unless you’re basing your trans character’s story on a specific experience of a real person, you have an enormous chance of being misguided by pop culture and its obsession with turning us into tragic, suffering figures only there to be pitied or as a way to shock the audience or as a way for the writers to get diversity cookies. We’re just people, and even if we do have traumatic backstories, let us talk about them in our own terms. Make a character that just happens to be trans, but don’t focus on that part of their identity because that bit is not yours to tell.Example: Madeline is an actress. She likes sci-fi and is currently studying French literature while she follows her passion for theatre. She also sings and plays the ukulele and piano, she has a YouTube channel where she does operatic covers of video game themes and makes nerdy songs about popular fictional characters, and wants to play the main part in a West End musical one day. She knows it’s hard because she’s trans, but she trusts her abilities, and she’s grateful for the few fans she’s gotten from YouTube who are super supportive.

Don’t be misguided by stereotypes. 99% of trans women don’t dress like drag queens, trans men are not butch lesbians who just desperately want a dick, and not every trans person has a tragic past with their family because of their identity. Also, no need for your trans char to be 100% feminine or masculine to PROVE they really are trans, and there’s no need to be a short-haired, flannel-wearing, very non-gendered white thin model in order to be non-binary. Example: Madeline has a girlfriend and two dogs. She lives in a small flat and struggles to pay rent, but she’s happy. Every Sunday she visits her dad. She’s an only child, and he absolutely adores his daughter and her girlfriend and likes to cook for them. She’s got her differences with her mother because she wanted Madeline to be a doctor, not a starving artist, and thinks she’s irresponsible, but Madeline was tired of trying to live out her mother’s dream and has chosen to take some distance. 

How to make them come out? The same way you’d say anything about anyone’s past: respectfully. Don’t make someone find out against their will. Don’t have someone from their past misgender / deadname them and then put them in the awkward situation of having to explain themselves to both the people they once knew and the people they’ve chosen to surround themselves with in their current life. Everyone in my life knows I’m trans, and if they don’t yet, it’s because of circumstance, not a cunning plot of shame on my part.If you do want to have them be stealth, don’t treat the moment of coming out into a huge betrayal. No more hiding genitalia because they’re ashamed to tell their partner, no more telling their date and their date storming off because they trusted you, how could you not tell me, [deadname], if that’s even really your real name, WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING, ARE YOU A MURDERER, and so on and so forth. Example: Madeline is accepted in a new acting group, and makes a new friend. They hang out, compliment each other’s Star Trek t-shirts, and have rehearsals together. They talk about parts they’d played in the past, and Madeline mentions that in high school she was given all the male parts even though she tried to get the female ones, but they wouldn’t give them to her because well, we all still thought I was a boy back then, but one teacher ever gave her the one she wanted, and she was her favourite, and hopes to invite her in the premiere of the play. “Aw, that’s so sweet,” her new friend says, who has met trans people before and realises that Madeline wants to focus on the affection for her teacher and not her own past at the moment, “I’m so glad you showed them who’s the boss, I hope your teacher makes it. If you ever wanna talk more about that time i’d be glad to listen.” They keep eating their ice cream. Here you can easily pull a Raymond Holt and make her openly trans but the people around her just don’t seem to get it because she’s way too casual about it. I know I’d love to do that at some point but I tend to write in fantasy universes where it’s not a big deal in the first place. If you can do that, even better. In sci-fi and fantasy, it’s always so refreshing to see people who actually imagined worlds without transphobia. 

Now, what I’d like to see. I kept this one for last, because I’m picky.I guess, no more transphobic violence. No more showing who the bad guy is by verbally / emotionally / physically attacking the trans character for shock value.No more trans character being there just to be trans. Make a Krem, who’s there to tell weird stories of past jobs and be the second in command; make a Rhett Hennesey, who’s there to be the protagonist and kill paranormal creatures and find his destiny; make a Nomi Marks, genius and very queer and an incredible hacker, kind, badass, there to be part of something bigger and share the love; make a Cheri Littlebottom, forensics expert extraordinaire, who makes friends and reinvents herself and claims her identity tooth and claw and earns people’s respect and will not get rid of her amazing dwarven beard or her lipstick and high heels; don’t make a Sophia Burset, who is forgotten after a few episodes and she’s only there to waste a talented actress’ abilities and remind people that hey, look, there’s a trans woman in here, look how tragic her life is, look how her identity is tearing her family apart and literally put her in prison. And in the end, because I’m picky, no, don’t make a Krem or a Rhett either, because they’re treated as cross-dressing women from their narratives, and they’re both awesome and deserve better than that.In the end, I’d like to see trans protagonists. Trans teachers, and lovers, and criminals, and superheroes, and space captains. Feminine and fat and black and Native and Mediterranean and alien and elven and muscled and disabled and ugly and hot and creative and famous and feared trans people. Two or even three trans people per story. Non-tragic trans people. Well-rounded, loved characters, whose motives are something else besides being trans, whose families value them, or if they don’t, it’s not because of their gender.

Write people. And if they talk to you and tell you that they’re transgender, hear them out, and make it happen. But make them people first. 

[janzz]

day 3: its 3:47am on day 4 and i forgot to write my daily post

really really really trying hard to make this a habit (just for april)

so fail but lol

here’s my post for today

i went to a yoga class tonight in santa clara and it was the yogi’s first time and she was so good omg!

not quite as good as my fave instructor of all time (the bae lauren at moxie yoga in sf)

but yeah kimberly at corepower santa clara square might make me a regular!

(which honestly is super great because i went to class with norma and it was awful LOL)  (she played like hardcore edm at a chill class??) (to be fair it was also a level 2 class and i was struggling a little and kimberly’s class was a level 1....)

(oh i went to whole foods in the same plaza right after and ngl im starting to really enjoy just physically being in those fancy ass supermarkets.  i went to a new to me nob hill after orangetheory surprisingly also in santa clara ----theyre just nice and clean and beautiful.  however spending $45 to get way less stuff than a 99 ranch or something still feels way wrong.  i got bananas cashew milk chia seed refill 18 brown eggs (anthony likes the brown ones idk) natural deodorant (cause native has been sucking hard) ginger tofu mushrooms orange juice fancy sprouted bread shredded cheese actually ok when i list that all out its a decent amount for whole foods.  the stuff is just smaller yknow like the presliced white mushrooms were $1 for easily like 3 or so oz less)

anyway i find this funny because when i started dating anthony in 2015 he would go to nob hill markets and always claim it was his favorite market (because the chicken he would buy from there would never go bad etc).  i thought he was like idk rich af -- to be fair he went to stanford 2x and has his masters and is 2 years older so yeah he is definitely more privileged than me.  like i didnt have a preference for cage free brown eggs like i never had the money to spend the extra $1 or 2 on that shit when i was slaving at starbucks AND a second office job.

its really weird how money changes your life.  its 2019 and i finally hit the 100k 6 figure mark.  it’s honestly been a STRUGGLE to get here, but i’ve learned a lot along the way -- primarily that you HAVE to negotiate and generally just get paid more to improve your life.  anyway yeah money doesn’t solve problems but it generally reduces  your mental calories and makes things way more convenient.

before when i was poorer, i would have to go out of my way to make sure i was getting the cheapest shell gasoline in the area (still gotta have standards and not give into that arco bullshit).  i would never go into whole foods or places like that because my dollar had to stretch further.  whenever i would go out with friends before i’d have to be SUPER mindful of what i ordered and i would be EXTRA annoyed when you go out in a group and when splitting venmo people wouldnt pay the extra gratuity and i’d factor in me covering it because as a barista and server its bs when ppl dont tip well

now -- idgaf if i go out to eat a lot or splurge when im out w friends.  dropping $50-$100 randomly cause something is on clearance at lululemon is not a big deal.  im not anal about my boyfriend and i splitting everything exactly 5050 down the middle cause meh whatever i dont need to be given money back for like the minimal difference.  if whole foods is convenient for me to go to after a workout ill go in without batting an eyelash.  

it is weird tho being poor and then having money -- like ill go to lululemon but absolutely CANNOT buy anything full price.  i still like watching movies but 99% of the time go on discount days cause spending $20 when i could spend $9 feels wrong.  whenever i do basic things with my boyfriend, like going to the grocery store or mall, i’m most definitely the most cost conscious -- checking against the value per oz, whereas he just picks whatever and gives no thoughts to it (i think he makes like 240k a year thereabouts, definitely more than double but i dont know the specifics).  i drive a 2015 toyota corolla le he drives a nicer but still affordable more luxury sedan hyundai sonata souped up with seat warmers navigation and he’s installed a dash cam and stuff.  my car is definitely a commuter car that’s just one level up from the s basic model.  when i htink about buying a new car i dont know if i could buy a lexus but yet i sometimes think about getting a tesla instead of a prius

another weird one is getting mad at myself for leaving reusable grocery bags LITERALLY in the trunk and then having to pay the $0.10 per bag.  I’ve easily spent at least $15 on bags prob.  Before i would be kicking myself hard cause i’d need to pinch pennies.  another thing that ive noticed makes me feel “rich” is i can sustain my craft coffee/boba habit just fine and not give a fuck.  before i got more mindful of it i htink my my coffee boba budget was like $100 a month.  ive always loved craft coffee, but it has to be RIGHT if i was gonna spend $6.  when i was living w my parents in san diego going to a new coffee shop and driving up to encinitas or whatever was like THE trip. now i get philz off my mobile app whenever i head out of class or if im feeling like it and its not that special

but yeah, im not rich by any means but it was huge to go from like $16 an hour at my office job/$15.70?? w/ benefits I think that was my starbucks shift supervisor rate/annual salaries of 20k ish to $39k at a law firm in downtown sac (grossly underpaid but at least rent was only $300 at a family friends) back to the law firm job up to $70k.  there i got a raise at the same job from 70 to 80k and then 80k to 86.

THEN cause i was privileged enough to have been able to save money making more when i hated my job i just up and quit (i think i had like no more than 5k in savings at the time --it wouldve been more but i spent 3k on prk/lasik).  anyway yeah i was lucky af and got a new job in a month -- and the offer for this job was 100k base, 10k bonus, some amount of stock (i still suck at this stuff) and a stupid amount of perks like $1000 gym reimbursement and basically free health insurance -- if i annualize all my pay+perks, assuming i get my full bonus, its prob like 120k.

so i have like 5x ed my income in 4 years since graduating from college.

the crazy part is people that were more privileged than me STARTED at 100k as new grads, including 401ks and what not.  im lucky becuase i started mine back when i was 18 at starbucks.

income inequality and access to knowledge/resources has become something ive become more aware about and passionate about over time.  me and my boyfriend clashed a lot earlier i think because we literally were in different planes of our lives and income levels.  we’ve been together 3 years, but have known each other for 4.  we broke up for 1 year in between -- and yeah ngl had i never improved myself or actually reached my income/earning potential we likely would not have gotten back together.  additionally him supporting me when we got back together raised me out of not the poverty level but yeah we met and i made 39k.  i took the plunge and moved out to sf for myself and lets be real for him too and made 70k which was a huge jump.  and in a short 15 months or so i jumped again to 100k base.

im never gonna make as much as he does (men/women blah we can get into that) but yeah even having access to money adjacently is so powerful.  anthony never outright gave me money and im too much of a hardass independent person that ive NEVER borrowed money from him, never intend to.  i really vehemently despise the idea of free loading but because of him just being around yeah my life has been improved.  

when we met in 2015 in our young 20s we were in our have fun phase.  i was too poor to have gone to thiings like coachella or out to a concert.  he got me into music and made it easy for me to experience because he’d buy the ticket, drinks, pick me up and pay for sf parking.  i would likely get dinner ahead of time or something small and generally we would switch so if he got tickets one time i’d get them next.  but he ALWAYS paid for drinks and lets be real the occasional not drinks :P he had introduced me to music in such a way that i was willing to drop $800 or so on coachella + car camping + take pto days even when we were broken up 10ish months or whatever it was the first time we dated but if you think about it he likely dropped at least 1k on me during those 10 months without batting an eye lash.  i made 39k at the time working in downtown sacramento and he made 90k base (maybe 115k total comp) living in SF.

despite just basic things like me being immature for 23 -- a big reason i think we broke up at the time was the income level inequality.  it was both our first jobs out of school (first job out of stanford grad for him, he immediately got his masters out of undergrad).  i did a round of uc davis, community, uc davis.  

he told me he was breaking up with me because when we met i had originally wanted to be a lawyer and then didnt end up pursuing that path and he saw it as a lack of ambition/drive.  what he didnt see was general growing up and not having access to lawyers as i grew up, just me working at this really top tier A+ law firm and feeling out of place as an asian woman working with rich WASPs.  me wearing pencil skirts and having major impostor syndrome.  what he did end up seeing was an insecure version of myself in our relationship with me bending over backwards to make him happy.

when i moved to sf and made 70k it definitely was a huge ego boost to make that additional 30k, but to be real, here in sf and paying more rent than i was in sac and SD/just general living being expensive 70k wasnt that much.  what it did for my confidence though was priceless (i was an ea to a ceo at a tech startup).  i really grew into myself and was more confident in my abilities -- and honestly a lot of that was just getting older and knowing that i was good at things, bad at certain things and i wasnt going through my quarterlife/post grad crisis anymore.  

then those raises to 80k and 86k made me more ballsy.  these things were obvi practiced with anthony as i had a partner to discuss and practice with/an educated thought partner.  at this time anthony was making $150k base or so (after realizing he had been grossly underpaid as a PM for the 90k initial salary)

all of this set me up to basically make my position what it is now AND for it to be 100k.  tbh im a glorified low level coordinator at a big company.  i honest to goodness for the first three months probably worked a total of 2ish hours a day? this role should probably max out at 90k.  and by max out i mean this role likely shouldve started at 75k with incremental raises to get to 90 in like 3 years.  i STARTED at 100 and can likely if i play my cards right be promoted to a program manager in a year (or less).  that’ll prob bump me to a base of 120 or so if i’m aggressive.

i always shitted on sf when i moved here because i hate the tech bros, the elitist ppl, the vcs who think theyre out here changing the world but seriously being surrounded by people that went to ivy leagues or the UC’s that were better than mine have honestly, like my boyfriend, just uplifted my status.  something as small as casual lunch time conversation being more intellectual makes a huge difference for me re: how stimulated i feel and how much more energized ive become because of ppl around me.  i def still have impostor syndrome all the time but its been so much growth from 23 to 27.

30s should be great because ill be well into my career by then and making even more and closing the gap even more w my boyfriend.  its funny too cause hes 29 now AND FINALLY getting that postgrad quarter life crisis.  his privilege was able to offset him to have this crisis later on in life where he made more money and could make smarter choices.  privilege really is the thing that keeps on giving and im grateful to have started poor and really appreciate it.  as i make more money i also care more and more to give back.  if i ever do run for office in my 50s or whatever im gonna push for more access to education and arts.  i had an interest in this as an undergrad but couldnt pursue it because itd be a lifetime of poverty, but yeah who knows.

dang this went long but it is really interesting when i think about money and how much its effected me.  im lucky i was able to raise myself out of the level my immigrant parents brought me and my sister to.  them moving out of the philippines was the best thing that ever happened to me.  the second is them fronting the bill for my university education.  the privilege i have is extremely special and important and i want to honor their sacrifices because im sitting on a 100k because of decades of hard work and frugality on their ends.

im fucking lucky.

we gotta pass on the resources and uplift those around us if we are fortunate.  

...another rant altogether but i wish the leadership in the United States thought the same way. 

(end: 4:36am, why do i do this to myself)