#i mean for me personally it's also like. sometimes/often/always i don't want to have visible tits‚ for Gender Reasons

[mythicalcoolkid]

You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²

⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.

[time-travelling-chaos]

Aziraphale and autism representation: episode 1

So, I was rewatching Good Omens recently, and I wanted to come back on how Aziraphale is represented as autistic in the show. I especially want to focus on the positive representation here, what makes me happy about it and how I see myself (and other autistic people can see themselves as well) in it. I'm probably going to go way too much into small details here, and end up analysing every scene where he is present (but to be fair, an autistic person is always autistic, whatever they are doing even if it's not always visible). And yeah, I'm probably going to be projecting a tiny bit here.

So, let's start with the first episode here, and especially, let's start at the beginning:

When we first see Aziraphale it is at the moment he meets Crowley and the conversation starts like this:

Crowley: That went down like a lead balloon Aziraphale: Yeah. *Laughs* Sorry what was that? Crowley: I said 'Well that went down like a lead balloon' Aziraphale: Yes, yes, it rather did.

There are two points that I find interesting here, about the way Aziraphale reacts to what Crowley says. He doesn't understand or hear the question right away, but still reacts to it before asking Crowley to repeat. One of the ways I read it is processing issues that often happen with autism. Sometimes, it simply takes time to process or to understand and information that has been given (and it has happened to me so many times, asking someone to repeat something to only realise what they have been saying when they start repeating it). Plus, here Aziraphale doesn't actually seems to realise that he has missed the information right away, it takes him a few seconds to do so. And sure, this can happen to everyone, but it happens more often with neurodivergent people, so it's a nice touch. The good thing about that as well, is the reaction of Crowley. He isn't upset, he simply repeats what he just said, and the conversation keeps going. This way of processing information is shown again later, when Crowley says 'it would be funny if we both got it wrong' and Aziraphale chuckles first (because it is objectively funny here) and only then realises the implications of it. [I'll insist here, but none of that means that Aziraphale is stupid. He is, it has been said over and over, a really intelligent being, I'll come back to it later.]

The second interesting point though is about masking. I'll come back to it later, because it's not the most interesting instance of it, but his first reaction to the question, is to pretend that he understood, to pretend that things are ok, and that he was following the conversation correctly, to not show that he didn't understand. And once again it's something that I do a lot. I miss pieces of information all of the time, because I didn't hear it properly, or wasn't focused or simply didn't understand something. And people get easily annoyed by that, plus it can be exhausting sometimes to ask to repeat all the time, so pretending to have heard something, and continuing like nothing happened is also a thing that I'll do quite often.

Now, one of the most visible things here, is the relation that Aziraphale has with eye contact. He makes eye contact with Crowley, plenty of times. But also (and this one also applies to Crowley to some extent), they spend a lot of the conversation not looking at each other.

And this is something that happens often in the show, when they are discussing, they don't always look at each other. It's more visible when Aziraphale is uncomfortable about something, or when he need time to think about something, he'll simply look away for some time, to give himself some time to rest and think properly.

Now, one of of the things I love about him, is his moral sense, and the way he cares. A common autistic trait is a strong sense of justice, but it means, most of the times, having your own sense of justice. And Aziraphale definitely has his own, that doesn't align with Heaven's one. He gives his flaming sword away to protect humanity, without hesitating a second. He doesn't want to kill anyone, not if he can avoid it. He is a strong character, and a protector and I love him for that.

Another thing about him, that can also be seen in that first scene, is that he has a tendency to overthink things. He clearly spent a lot of time worrying about the consequences of giving his sword away before talking to Crowley. While, that, by itself is not a positive trait, it is on that I love seeing in characters, because it is something that needs to be shown and discussed as well.

Now, the next scene where we see Aziraphale is the sushi scene, which shows a completely different side of him. Here, he is relaxed, and doing something he absolutely loves. I adore this part the way it shows the care he has for small things, the small ritual that he follows before eating, how it is shown that it is part of his habits/routine. It's a place he his familiar with, and that he loves. And the specific way he loves it. He takes time to do so, time to enjoy the smell, to care and love things slowly. And this is something I wish I'd let myself do more. Take the time to do things slowly, to fully appreciate them. And of course, that scene pictures the care and love for familiarity, for sameness, for small rituals, not in a boring way but in a caring and comforting way.

And then Gabriel arrives, and his expression changes, he becomes more nervous. And he stops talking freely. There is here a really nice parallel to make between autism masking and Aziraphale's relationship with Heaven. Autism masking is a way to protect yourself by trying to fit in a neurotypical society. And the way Aziraphale acts in Heaven, or in presence of Gabriel is extremely similar to that. He becomes nervous, and careful of what he is saying. Then we have this discussion

Gabriel: Why do you consume that? Aziraphale: It's sushi. It's nice. You dip it in soy sauce Aziraphale: It's what humans do.

And several things can be said about that. First, Gabriel's question wasn't really a question, more of a disguised insult here, to which Aziraphale replies as if it was a literal question from him, which does show some literal thinking. It's not the only instance of that, and a similar reaction will happen later in the discussion with Crowley about Warlock

Crowley: If there was no boy... Aziraphale: But there is a boy. He is right there.

Then, the way he talks about sushi. He is hurt that Gabriel doesn't like sushi, and he starts explaining what it is giving a tiny piece of information about it, and his face completely light up as he does. Food and especially certain type of food such as sushi are definitely one of his special interests, and it makes him really happy. He wants to talk about it, and he wants his interest to be appreciated. But then, he realises that it's not something Gabriel approves of, and hides his own feelings, stop talking about it, and try to justify it, to make his love acceptable (It's what humans do). And, ouch, this hurts. Having to mask your own interest when they are not deemed acceptable or, because you are talking 'too much' about it and it's 'not interesting' is absolutely a common experience of autism, and it is often heartbreaking.

Now, I don't really want to go into details in the relationship between Aziraphale and Heaven, because as I said I would like to focus more on the positive and on the parts that I find relatable, and also because it's a complex relationship and I'm not in Aziraphale's head, but I feel the need to say a few things about it.

Does Aziraphale have faith in Heaven? It's a bit of a complex question here. Plenty of times, he is shown talking about Heaven in what can be seen as positive (Heaven will finally triumph over Hell, we're the good guys). But he is also shown hating it, going directly against it (I don't like it anymore than you do...). He knows that the other Angels are, for most of them (not counting Muriel here), not good, and he is always careful around them. When we see him in Heaven, he has a tense face, makes small, constrained smiles, keeps masking and keeping his thoughts to himself, not trusting them. So where exactly does he stand with Heaven? I do believe that, at least in that season, he still has some faith in God, if not in any of the other angels, as he will end up praying to Her at some point, but there are other factors to take into account when analysing this relation. [Also I'm only focusing on the first season/ first episode here, I'm not going to the end of S2 at all here, which is a completely different topic]

First of all, liking the idea of something does not mean that you will like the thing as it is. To take a personal example here, I love academia. Except I don't. I love the idea of academia, the idea of public research, of being able to learn and to transmit knowledge. But academia is a shitty place. So, so much people are sexists and racists, (queerphobic as well, even if less perceived usually), and a lot of my friends have horror stories of their own about it. A lot of people are burnt-out, tired, it's a system that asks you to work relentlessly to get a chance to survive, in which a lot of people spend more time looking for money to work that actually working. Academia is absolutely awful but the idea of academia is amazing.

Then, as I mentioned it before -and this is the point that I really want to mention here- Heaven is associated to masking. And yeah, here, I know some people have mentioned that Heaven can check on him any time, meaning that he has to keep up appearances, but that's not exactly relevant to what I want to say here. Masking, when done for a long time, becomes a part of who you are, and you sometimes forget a part of who you are without it. For a long time, I used to go back home after my day and not being myself either, acting as if there was still people around me. Because, the rest of the time it's what keeps you safe. So you keep doing it without realising. Sometimes, I catch myself stimming or doing something I like when I'm alone, and I stop myself because it's not something you're supposed to be doing. Masking, when done for a long time, becomes somewhat a part of what you are, even when you are alone and safe.

And in a very similar fashion, it takes a lot of time to unlearn things. Not necessarily masking, but things that you learn from your family, you relatives, and you later realise were incorrect. I don't know how much (if to any extent) autism impacts that, but on some occasions, it had taken me years to manage to unlearn stuff (and some I still struggle with). And it's extraordinarily frustrating, both for you and for the people around you and sometimes hurtful as well. Now, Aziraphale has been with Heaven for thousand, even millions of years, it would make sense that some things stayed in his head. [Now, because I have seen that too many times, NO, he doesn't need to violently realise that Heaven is bad, he know it. In a similar way, I don't need to be let's say screamed at for masking, because it would only trigger the opposite effect. Aziraphale needs to be free from Heaven and some time to heal from it.]

Also, Aziraphale doesn't have any other option than Heaven at the moment (here in S1). Things are going to be destroyed and he will be stuck in Heaven, one way or another. So, maybe a part of it is simply him, trying to convince himself that there is good in Heaven because he doesn't have a choice.

Now, I don't want to say any of these are true, or try to analyse that relationship in more details, those are just a few points that I wanted to mention here, because they are (at least the part about masking) relevant to the rest of the discussion about autism so I'll stop there because there would be so much more to discuss and analyse, but that's not the topic of this post.

But as I was on the topic of Heaven, I'm going to do a small skip forward before going back to a linear discussion of the episode, and talk about that conversation:

I am an angel, you are a demon, we're hereditary ennemis. Get the behing me fool fiend! After you.

Now, I love this sentence, because it says a lot about his relationship with Heaven. He knows Heaven's rules, but he also knows when and when not to follow them. Of course, him and Crowley are enemies, that's how Heaven sees them. But they are also friends, that's how they constructed their own relationship. To some extend, it reminds me of the Don't Play With Liquid Nitrogen moment. [And before I go any further in my explanation, I'll emphasise on that: DO NOT PLAY WITH LIQUID NITROGEN, it doesn't matter whatever I say next, DO NOT PLAY WITH LIQUID NITROGEN GUYS].

When I was doing an internship in my second year of bachelor, one of the person I was working with started to show me and another student something, and told us that we were not supposed to play with liquid nitrogen, while himself splashing so of it around. The thing is, liquid nitrogen is dangerous, but when you know how to do it, you can touch it for a few seconds without getting burnt. And here it is a bit of a similar situation. By simply following the rules, they shouldn't interact, let alone be friends. But they've been there for long enough to properly understand the situation, and to know they can follow their own rules instead of Heaven and Hell's ones.

Now, back to the rest of the episode. After the scene with Gabriel, we next see Aziraphale in the bookshop. He is putting up his coat on the hanger, and while doing that, he is humming along with the classical music in the background. Here, he is at home, a place where he can be himself, do whatever he likes. And I love that we see him stim along with the music. We see him stim plenty of times during the show (with the music, when he eats...) and it shows that it's a part of who he is. And most importantly, it's never shown negatively or mocked, and yeah, it's just so great to see a character stimming (and I'll add: stimming in a non-cliché way. Everyone's stims are different and do not always fit the cliché representation that most people have of it) and enjoying doing so, in moments of relaxation and happiness.

And in the second part of that scene, the phone rings, and he is visibly annoyed. He likes the quiet, doesn't like been around people (even if he loves humanity and people themselves) and doesn't like unexpected things to happen. And thus, he also immediately goes to an automated script instead of starting a conversation (I'm afraid we're quite definitely closed).

Now, I'll take the opportunity to mention the bookshop itself, because I absolutely love it. To be fair, it would be one of my dream place in the world, but that's not the topic here.

The bookshop is such a comforting place. The lights are dim and it's quiet (despite the outside of it being in a crowded place, so that probably took a miracle), which makes it a dream to relax and avoid overstimulation. But also, it's a place where he stores everything related to another of his special interests: books (and also wines, and other things he loves). So books are a special interest that I share with him, so of course, it's something that I means a lot to be, but to be able to be surrounded by so much of things you love, with music you love in the background, it's simply amazing , and I'm repeating myself here, but it's absolutely a dream place to be. Plus, going back to the representation part, it's so, so important to see special interests shown as they are. Once again, not in a cliché way (and by saying that, I have absolutely nothing against special interests that can be considered more cliché (look a me right now, writing an essay on two of my current ones, autism and Good Omens)) but simply them being things that people can usually enjoy, but to a much strong extent in Aziraphale's case. And once again, it's never here to be made fun of, simply to be shared and appreciated.

Something notable as well about Aziraphale is his posture. He sits in a very straight way, that doesn't seems comfortable. Now, autistic people tend to have more the opposite problem, which is to have bad posture. But a usual one is also a notable sign as well. But also, his posture when walking is interesting.

He is holding his hands close to his body, and most of the time is stimming once more, with his hands (or perhaps with his ring as well). And this type of posture, is so, so nice to see. When I was younger, I had the tendency to hold my arms around my stomach, in a way that was a bit similar to the way Aziraphale is holding himself in the picture above. And, of course, I got scolded and criticised for it, until I stopped doing so. So seeing Aziraphale having a similar posture, and knowing the type of comfort it can bring, and how this type of contact is important, makes me really happy.

Now, I'm diverting a bit from the topic for a second here, but there is an interesting parallel to make between Aziraphale's posture, and the one of the other angels:

When we look at the angels in Heaven, they all hold their hands in front of them, but it's in a tense way trying to show authority and rigor, while for Aziraphale, it's in a more relaxed way, and the goal for him is comfort. It's similar, but it's also so different, and it creates and interesting contrast between Aziraphale and the other angels.

And when I'm talking about the posture, I'd also like to mention the vocabulary. Aziraphale's vocabulary is peculiar, old-fashioned, but it's also really precise. Now, that is not something I particularly relate to, but a lot of autistic people do tend to have a very specific and precise vocabulary to communicate their ideas in the clearest way possible, and I like that this is something we can find in Aziraphale as well.

Quickly after the discussion between Aziraphale and Crowley, they discuss going out for lunch, and mention the last time that happen, and start discussing the reign of terror, to which Aziraphale replies 'We had crepes'.

And while he does so, his face absolutely lights up. Now, I've seen people mentioning the fact that Aziraphale doesn't really show (or worst doesn't really have) emotions, but this scene is so much the opposite of that. When he is talking about something he love, he is so expressive and his love for it is so visible. And I love seeing that, seeing the love for special interests being accepted and represented in such a positive way. Now, when talking about emotions, there is a sharp contrast between this scene and the previous one, where they were discussing about Heaven where he kept his face neutral. Having a neutral face is something that is often seen as one of the characteristics of autism, but it's not fully true. First of all, it can be related to masking (and I've already discussed the relationship between Heaven and masking here) but also, it usually depends a lot on the situation, and when autistic people are talking about their interests, they can, in fact, be very expressive, as this can be seen here with Aziraphale.

Another thing that I love about that scene is how he connects the discussion to one of his interests. Now, another characteristic of autism is to see patterns between things, and for a long time, I thought this didn't quite applied to me. But it does, and usually in the way it's shown here with Aziraphale. When I have a special interest, I have a tendency to find way to connect everything to it, to make links between ordinary things and my interest, and that was a really cool thing to see here.

And now the dinner scene. I've mostly already discussed everything happening in the scene before, but I'll just say it again, because it shows that those things are constants in Aziraphale's character, and not a one time thing. First is his love for food, that we can see there once more. Then he is once more stimming after eating. And also, he is finishing eating much after Crowley already finished his meal. He takes his time, takes the time to really savour the things he loves, and I love that for him.

Another thing that I want to mention, is his gardener disguise (and much later in the show, his newspaperman disguise). It is, in both cases, so exaggerated, and shows a lot about how he comprehends the world. It's something that I can connect to the idea of learning how to be human only from what you see in shows and books, and that's something a lot of autistic people can related to. (And of course, this rarely works in real life, the same way that it seems odd in the show).

There is another interesting point to mention, and that's questions. When we think about Good Omens and questions, we directly think about Crowley, and him asking questions. But in the show, at least in that first episode, Aziraphale is the one asking a lot of questions. Especially about how precisely things will happen.

Won't people remark on the sudden appearance of a huge black dog? His parents for a start?

He needs precise information to know how things will happen and to be able to prepare for what will happen, and that, once again, is a strong autistic trait. (I could also discuss about the fact of Heaven not liking questions, and autistic people usually being criticise when asking questions to understand clearly what to do, but I think that would be going a bit too far in the analysis here.) Still, I love seeing the way he understands the world, and the way he sees the potential issues that could arise. And also, there is that scene with Crowley, that I particularly relate to.

Aziraphale: If he comes to his full powers, how will we stop him? Crowley: This won't happen. Aziraphale: *quick annoyed smile*

And this scene is important, because it shows the difference of what autistic people can expect when the ask a question, and what other people understand. Here Crowley tries to reassure him, and Aziraphale gets slightly annoyed, because it was not what he needed. This is a situation I've been here before, and when I ask this type of question (because at the same time I'm overthinking and I need to plan how I'll act and have a plan) people offer reassurance. And this is rarely helpful to handle the situation, because in that type of case, what I need is answers (or at least something like 'we'll figure it out'. Because things can go wrong, and I need to be prepared for this eventuality as well). And yeah, I really like the scene for showing that discrepancy between what is needed by autistic people, and the answer that other people usually provide.

One more of Aziraphale's special interests is magic, and it has quite an important part in the show.

As it's the case with all of the times we see special interest, we also see Aziraphale being extremely happy with it, and his face always lighting up. But this one is a bit different because he is bad at it. When he does magic, he is clumsy, and drops things and fails most of the time. And that's great, for two different reasons. First of all, clumsiness, and poor space management is often a part of autism, and it's one that is rarely shown or represented, so it's something that I like to see. But, and most importantly, it shows that you don't need to be good at something to enjoy it, and this, by itself is amazing. And it's especially great in the context of special interest, where once again, one of the clichés is that autistic people have to know everything and to excel at their interets, which can end up putting a lot of pressure on people (also as some autistic people, myself included, are extremely perfectionists). So seeing him simply enjoying it without being good at it is refreshing here, and helpful as well.

I'm now going to very quickly mention that conversation when the Hellhound doesn't arrive

Aziraphale: Wrong boy Crowley: Wrong boy

Simply because I've discussed earlier in the post about processing issues, and about how it had nothing to do about Aziraphale's intelligence. Well, here is a perfect example of it, because this time, just after learning about the situation he is able to have a good understanding of the situation, and, if that's completely obvious for us, it is much less to them.

And I'm now going to conclude with that sentence said by Aziraphale at the end of the episode: Welcome to the end times.

I don't have any specific analysis behind that one, I just happen to particularly love it and I wanted to share it once more.

And to conclude a bit more with that analysis of the first episode, I absolutely love how Aziraphale is depicted in the show. He is a strong and caring character, but also a very complex one. I find it really great that his character is able to show the good and the part parts of autism, and also, that it never turns any of it as a joke, nor goes strongly in the clichés. So, yeah, I absolutely love him.

So at first I was planning to do a similar analysis for every episode, but I had not realised how much time and energy this would cost me. I really loved doing it though, so I might continue, but I'm not making any promise here.

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

Boundaries are supposed to be about protecting your OWN autonomy.

Some people will claim that you're violating THEIR boundaries by doing things like wearing clothes they don't want you to wear or having a friend they don't like, or even honestly telling people your own gender identity or sexual orientation.

And this can actually be very persuasive, especially if the person who's being controlling has social power over the person they're trying to control, because we have all these like, cultural narratives justifying people with more social power (white ppl, men, abled people, cis people, the richer person in a relationship etc) making those decisions for people with less. They instinctively seem "more right" and their opinions in interpersonal interactions frequently carry more weight in ways we don't always recognize.

Sometimes this will be more or less explicitly invoked even, as a person "trying to help you learn to be more responsible" or w/e, whether or not you asked for that.

Some people will also claim that their trauma means they have to make decisions for other people, even decisions about basic things like how someone else dresses and who their friends are or what kind of job they have, and that also can be very persuasive!

Because people don't actually want to hurt the ones they care about, and if me having visible cleavage in public or having friends of a certain gender or keeping my stigmatized job reminds them of the trauma of being cheated on by their abusive ex why would I want to do that?

Relationships are messy and complicated, and it can be hard to tell sometimes what's fair. Even when everyone is trying their best, sometimes people try to set their boundaries so far outside of the zone of their own autonomy it's infringing on someone else's.

And very often the other person will go along with it because they don't recognize that's what's happening, or they don't want to hurt the other person or get into a conflict they don't know how to resolve without risking a valued relationship.

And sometimes people who aren't necessarily trying their best to be respectful are at least dimly aware of those impulses and will use them to make controlling patterns of behavior seem like they're perfectly equitable and reasonable.

But even if everyone means well it can still be damaging to the relationship and to each other when we make decisions for other people, or let someone make decisions that should be our own just to avoid conflict.

Treating ourselves and each other with care and respect requires putting some thought into making sure boundaries are about our own autonomy, not our control of one another.

[mikuni14]

Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo - Ep 7-8

There have certainly been many smart words written about the finale, I've managed to read only one post so far (and I totally agree with it), I've got a busy end of the week and don't really have time to read more. So I'll quickly list what I particularly liked about the finale:

as far as I can tell, the series probably wrapped up all the threads. Some things may be a bit incomprehensible, but I think that may have been the creators' intention, so that we could guess many things rather than be told specifically by the series. Like, for example, the reasons why JuYeong stayed and took care of DoHoe's father. There could be several such reasons and each one is good (and each one could be wrong lol). Such a wrap-up of threads, a satisfying finale and leaving viewers with a sense of closure is not that common in BL series, especially those that aspire to be more serious, we all know that 🤷‍♀️ so I really appreciate it!

the actors are excellent, I really liked, for example, how looking at DoHoe's body, figure, face, one could clearly deduce his current condition. This zombie-like rigidity, apathy versus ease, a broad smile, uncontrollable bursts of laughter... it was just 👌

I liked this juxtaposition of the oppressive, homophobic, obedience-enforcing and punishing version of religion, with the positive version of religion, i.e. "and the truth shall set you free" :) Because yes, truth, honesty, liberated DoHoe, made him feel free at last, made him feel at peace

I liked this "simple, ordinary" ending in general, where the answer turned out to be a simple, ordinary truth and honesty. Even if it involves pain, loss of something, consequences. And how even these consequences cannot overshadow the overwhelming sense of freedom and peace that is immediately visible in DoHoe. I like the lack of a sugary-sweet ending: DoHoe suffers the consequences of his lies, although as viewers we root for him and want him not to be punished at all

I absolutely love JuYeon's unconditional feelings, how he helps DoHoe over and over again, just like HyeonHo, who, even when rejected, after a difficult conversation, is still ready to help DoHoe

just like the unconditional standing by the child, even at their own expense

JuYeong, when he is serious and so matter-of-fact, when he sees reality for what it is, not believing DoHoe's "mean" but also empty words about breaking up. How many such situations have we seen, when one rejects the other for Noble Motives, or Out of Fear, or for some other Bullshit Reason, when due to an irritating lack of communication the other leaves hurt and then, frustrated, we watch them suffer for several episodes convinced of their unrequited love 😬 JuYeong is not like that, he knows DoHe, he believes in his love, he doesn't believe DoHoe's words because he knows him - this knowledge of the other person, their past, their personality is something I love in my romances, and what makes me believe in love watched on screen as a viewer. Personally, I can't stand this trope when someone is pretending or saying something ooc for them and the other person just buys it. I always ask then: do you even know who you love? Because it's so obvious ooc for them! 😤Super happy that JuYeong is like "I'm not going anywhere and I don't think you actually mean it"

I love how they talk about themselves, their relationship, their life together, their future together, like a real couple, real people 🥰

I love JuYeong because he educated himself in various, sometimes serious, sometimes funny topics 🤩 I often hear men people complaining that they can't handle various things because their parents / school / no one taught them, while Google and books in the library are free. JuYeong asks the internet how to live and how to be a perfect little boyfriend for his pookie and the internet answers him lmao, this is just so simple and perfect. JuYeong is the best!

teddy-bear pajamas! (I will put a gif of them later, love it so much!)

HyeonHo is so fiiiiiine

(apologies for the screenshot from the gray pages but I can't make them on Gaga)

To sum up: I won't hide the fact that whether it's my own fault, or the fault of the subtitles, or the plot, or the aura of depressiveness, but episodes 4-7 were incomprehensible and chaotic for me in some parts, overly complicated at times with conversations full of ambiguities and understatements to the point of being incomprehensible (but I also completely buy the fact that I'm just too stupid to catch all the nuances lol). Overall, the series is very good, although unlike Where Your Eyes Linger, I can only watch it once. The series showed the long-term effects of domestic violence very well, realistically but with respect for the victims, without sugarcoating, without idealizing the victims. It also showed struggling with traumas, which is not always successful, it also shows how important unconditional support is, but also coming face to face with the unpleasant consequences of untreated traumas. It shows the value of love, friendship, honesty, doing what is right, without irritating moralizing. The series had a very realistic vibe, I was able to imagine all of DoHoe's feelings, and the actor convincingly played him as a lost kid, tangled in his own guilt, traumas, lies, yearning for love and hope - even though he is an adult.

The only tiny reservation I have about the series is that I would like more of JuYeong, who has also suffered so much, but from the beginning he has been a strong,leading force in their relationship and is often "the adult one". However, his type of personality, his openness, courage, honesty and straightforwardness are responsible for the fact that he copes relatively better with difficult situations. So it's not really any complaint, more an observation ;)

But apart from that, this series is really good aaaand has a good, happy ending, yay!💖

[fohatic]

48-hours shy of six months to the day, tumblr has restored my blog to full functionality (no longer classifying it as "explicit") after a lengthy stint in horny jail.

what does this mean? my blog is now searchable, my posts are no longer hidden under tags, my posts can be linked, i get to have a damn icon + customizable blog page... but perhaps most exciting of all:

I NOW HAVE A WORKING ARCHIVE AGAIN, which means that you can also browse my tags! 🙏 i've just updated my featured tags, so these are easily navigable from my archive (see "tag" pull-down menu at the top). feel free to explore these! highlights include:

my fanfic -> all my fic posts/posts that feature my fics

my edit (see also: manip) -> my manip fanart or contributions to others' posts ("manip" also includes other people's manips, FYI)

fic rec -> fics that i recommend/others recommend that i co-rec

stony -> a big mishmash of fun! (see also: tony stark + steve rogers)

stevecore/tonycore/stonycore -> posts that remind me of them ♥

rdj -> (so much pretty) + chris evans -> (♥)

gorgeous fanart -> the tag i collect a ton of fanart under

yes good -> posts that really "get it" (mostly stony stuff)

writing + fanfiction -> meta stuff!

fave -> the best stuff!

about me -> a gratuitous excess of TMI about yours truly! (in tags)

*IMPORTANT: if you do not want to see potentially nsfw adult content from me, please block the following tags:

nsfk -> "not safe for kids" stuff that's iffy (general safety warning)

porny tag -> stuff that's basically porn

(note that i don't tag stuff "nsfw" bc this can negatively impact the op's account or post visibility; tumblr police are all over this tag)

(gifs via x)

it's been awhile, but it's finally time* to turn up the temperature around here again... 🔥😈

[protip: if you enter the full title of any of my fics in a tag search, you'll likely find some thematically relevant goodness 👌😏]

as always, i'm thrilled whenever anyone goes through and likes/reblogs a bunch of stuff from me -- don't be shy! i'm also open to pretty much any kind of ask (sometimes i don't participate in the chain stuff but it's nothing personal).

one thing i'll ask is that if you do find anything you like on my blog, consider reblogging it from me instead of directly from the op? as a seasoned "blog diver" (🤿🦪💎) who sometimes spends many hours of my actual life scouring the internet for certain posts (which often haven't seen any action in years), i really appreciate when i see even a little spike in my activity feed from these before they start getting circulated again <333

also, i plan to keep using @moon-language-0 as a place to store all my original fanart and fanfic posts for easy access. it's very convenient :)

[refiwrites]

Can you do arguements with loak, neteyam, and rotxo please

since im sick rn and feeling terrible and in need of content of our avatar boys, i give you this

Arguments (Neteyam, Lo'ak, and Rotxo)

GIFs used for Neteyam and Lo'ak are not mine, credits to the rightful owners! Whilst the GIF used for Rotxo is mine.

N e t e y a m

Thinking abt it now, I think there would be little to no arguments w this man 💀 I mean he is the perfect child, is he not? Well, you do have arguments but often times it wouldn't be that deep? I have a feeling he's too understanding that everytime you begin something, he's already defused it lmao

You would be the one initiating arguments tbh

For Neteyam, I think most of your arguments would stem from you just trying to watch out/care for him. The pressure of being the future Olo'eyktan often gets to him that he forgets to take care of himself and you'd be there reminding him to breathe.

"No, stop your sweet-talking!" you were really being serious, yet your other half wasn't.

"My love, I have to do this, it is for us. For our future, no?" Neteyam says, walking over to you and placing his hands on your shoulders, that damned playful smile on his face.

The thought made your insides run wild. "The future can wait, you can stay here for now. And tell me, when was the last time you ate?"

Neteyam blinks back, thinking.

"That's what I thought, you aren't getting out of here until I say so."

"Wait— fine."

L o ' a k

Well, we all know Lo'ak is reckless, always doing things without thinking.

You know he means well with his actions, but sometimes you just wished he would think things through!

As much as you didn't like to be another one of the people scolding him, you couldn't help it when he literally walked in one day in your tent, gashes and bruises littering his face and arm.

"What were you thinking?" You said, you knew Lo'ak probably had this phrase said to him for the hundredth time.

He stayed silent.

"You're stupid, did you know that?" You hiss, sitting him down and you began to take his armor and face paint off.

"Too many times." He replied, which you felt bad. So you sighed, carefully cupping his face and making him look at you.

"As much as I'd like to argue with you right now, I still have to patch you up. But please, Lo'ak, the next time you do something... Think it through."

"Yeah.. Sorry.."

"You promise?"

"Promise."

R o t x o

Can we take a few minutes just to appreciate the gif because hello LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS

Hm since we don't know much alot abt Rotxo this will be difficult.

But we know that he knows his limitations for making fun of someone, and that he's very truly a genuine, caring person.

I feel like he loves to joke around and stuff w everybody including you but I also feel like he made a joke one time abt you that you really didn't like or you just weren't in the mood and you kinda took it personally.

You didn't talk to him for like- what- two days max? Cause how can you resist him really when he's trying to catch your attention the whole day while his face looks like this 🥺 reincarnated? HELP

"(Y/N)... (Y/N)."

Wanting to shove his face in the sand already, you resist, plucking the berries from the bush and placing them in your bowl.

You just about remember why the two of you were acting like this in the first place.

It was from a joke that Rotxo made.

Now you didn’t exactly remember what the very joke was but you knew you were pissed off that day, and the way his joke pertained to you made something in you snap as he was laughing.

Now that led to here, with you ignoring him. Honestly you didn't know how you lasted a almost a day and a half without talking to him since the two of you were inseperable from the moment he met you and your siblings.

You didn't realize you were frozen in place as his voice spoke up again.

"(Y/N)..?"

"What?!" You finally answered, snapping your head back to look at him.

He visibly swallowed, eyes squinting at your sudden reply. He moves forward though, moving beside you and kneeling next to you.

"I'm sorry."

"Took you long enough."

"Eh? But you were ignoring m—"

"Okay, okay I forgive you." You said. As soon as your words registered in Rotxo's head, you saw the way his whole face lit up, his nose scrunching in the process, almost melting your heart.

"Really?" He asked again, smiling.

"Yes, would you like me to change my mind?"

"No! No definitely not!" He quickly said, gesturing as if that was going to prevent you from doing so.

But you didn't change your mind.

You couldn't, not when he pulls out an armband he made for you, as a sign of peace.

[idyllic-affections]

invisible disability? it's rather visible to me.

summary. baizhu knows the struggle of maintaining a job while being chronically ill; as such, he is willing to offer an accommodating work environment for others who struggle like he does.

trigger & content warnings. angst (at first... it gets better i swear /lh), ableism, etc.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. hurt/comfort. baizhu & chronically ill!teen!reader, qiqi & reader. 1.7k words. they/them pronouns for reader.

author's thoughts. he's out of nonplayable prison ygs!!!!! can't wait to see his character stories for..... personal reasons..... anyways i want to specify that i am chronically ill. i am constantly fighting with my genetics to be healthy, its ridiculous LMAO

imagine baizhu employing a chronically ill, visionless teenager.

baizhu can easily say he's known their family for a long time, so he of course knows that they have trouble keeping a job. they often mention little things like that about their life during their visits with him. never once has he found anything wrong with them; they're always in virtually perfect health.

that doesn't change the fact that they're very clearly struggling. he's observed just how much they overexert themselves in a desperate attempt to actually keep a stable job, simply to help support their family, but all the exertion only seems to make their invisible issues worse.

also... they've been in his care for heat stroke more than once in liyue's warmer seasons. the heat is just far too much for their body to handle if they aren't careful.

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

Their voice was so quiet and whispery that if Baizhu hadn't been attuned closely to them at that moment, he might have missed it. They half wished that he would have. Based on the brief glance he spared in their direction, they knew he was listening. Oh well.

"I mean... really. This is ridiculous," they murmured, knees drawn up against their chest. "Everyone thinks I'm just dramatic. I'm not. I do fine for the most part, but then it just... gets bad for no reason at all... how am I in perfect health?"

By that point in their rant, his undivided attention was on them. Though his gaze was thoughtful, musing, they interpreted it differently and winced slightly.

"...Sorry. I really shouldn't be complaining like this in front of someone who's chronically ill."

"No, it's quite alright. You shouldn't minimize your pain. Your struggles are as valid as mine. I find your trust, your ability to confide in me, quite endearing, even," he reassured, unbothered, to which their shoulders seemed to lose some of the tension they harbored. "In fact... I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. Chronic illness may show itself in a variety of forms. Sometimes it may show itself in the form of your symptoms. Would you like to learn how to manage your energy better?"

the liyuean doctor basically hired them right then and there, but they don't really realize that for the first few weeks.

in the beginning, they're just... spending time at bubu pharmacy, learning how baizhu manages his own limited energy and applying those techniques to their own life (it works shockingly well). that's all!

it slowly turns into them helping out where they can—packaging herbs, learning what exactly each one of them does, delivering prescriptions to those who cannot physically get the medicines themselves... even when people start to question if they've found a new job, they remain oblivious.

it's one day while helping mince herbs that they realize they're basically a junior herbalist.

A soft hiss left their lips when the knife nicked the pad of their finger. They were quick to put pressure on the little cut, pulling their hand away from the countertop to prevent any blood from dripping onto it.

"It's best to get rid of those herbs," Baizhu reminded, stepping away from his own work to gently bandage their wound.

A small pout graced their lips. "I didn't get any blood on them, though..."

Amusement and the vaguest hint of fondness twinkled in his gaze. "We don't know that for certain, do we, now?"

"...Wait a minute." Their eyes narrowed suspicously at him, drawing their freshly-dressed hand back once he was done. "This isn't about energy management anymore, is it? Have I been... I've been working here this entire time. These tasks are very employee-like."

"Come, now. Don't look at me like that. You were looking for a stable job, and I am more than willing to accomodate your needs."

"You could've at least said something to me. I've been doing free labor all this time, and as a child, no less! Hmm... now, I do believe that is illegal in this part of Teyvat~ It'd be shame to get Ms. Yanfei involved~"

in the spirit teaching them to manage their energy, he often takes them on house calls with him, starting off to just homes in liyue harbor and later to homes all the way in qingce village. it's a good way for them to gain stamina and get a better understanding of their job.

baizhu has a tendency to smile through his own pain for the sake of his patients.

this habit slipped by unchecked until [name] came around.

whenever they feel like he isn't doing very well, they'll take over for him regardless of what he has to say about it.

herbalist gui is very thankful for them—baizhu hardly ever listened to him, but he does take better care of himself for [name]'s sake.

(he swears that baizhu is oddly parental when it comes to them, but he wouldn't dare mention the doctor's blatant affections to his face.)

"welcome to bubu pharmacy," they'd greet with a kind smile after unceremoniously shoving baizhu towards the back of the pharmacy where he could rest undisturbed, "unfortunately, dr. baizhu is currently out of commission, but herbalist gui and i would be glad to take care of anything you may need."

sometimes changsheng can be seen wrapped around their arm! usually it's their dominant arm, which is terribly inconveniencing. still, it would be an honor to be Chosen™ by their loved one's pet... if only she wasn't so mean to them.

"Hmph. You're terrible at cutting herbs. It pains me just to watch."

"Okay? Go back to Dr. Baizhu then? I'm not holding you hostage, Changsheng. You came to me," they huffed. "Also... maybe I'd be able to cut better if you weren't strangling my dominant arm. Just saying."

It's a few moments later that they're sulking, murmuring curses as Baizhu disinfected their fresh snake bite. Changsheng completely neglected to apologize until Baizhu had prompted her to.

(They would complain that he found that incident a little too funny if anyone were to ask them. It really hurt, you know!)

changsheng bullies them lovingly <3 she bites them affectionately <33

(not that she'd ever say that, though. baizhu knows. he just chooses to let her believe he doesn't know.)

qiqi becomes very attached to them very quickly, i think. she'd like having a nice older sibling around and would address them as such without even thinking about it. "jiějiě," "gēgē"... she can't really tell what gender they identify closer with and doesn't remember to ask, so she tends to bounce between the two terms of address.

she has an entire page in her journal dedicated to little things about [name] that she deems to be important. she notes down things they seem to like, things they seem to dislike, their birthday, other important dates, defining features...

she also keeps important warning signs related to health episodes of their's jotted down, like how when [name] stands still a little too long, qiqi should urge them to sit for a moment because they're probably either dizzy or having vision issues, or how when their hands begin to tremble, qiqi should share a sunsettia with them.

she does miss these signs sometimes... she does her best, though! qiqi only wants to help the sweet junior herbalist that braids her hair and accompanies her on her herb-picking trips and hugs her and says "i love you, please stop this task, you might get hurt" with so much genuine affection that it often overwhelms her :(

it's rare, but sometimes, there will be a customer or patient that has little tolerance for their disability-induced weakness or slowness.

because their illness(es) is(/are) invisible, very few people take their struggles seriously.

some people take this as an excuse to verbally and even physically abuse them.

baizhu does not take kindly to people abusing his employees, especially not his chronically ill teenage employee. especially not them.

"Is there an issue I can help with?"

They didn't mind being the only one at reception during the days Herbalist Gui was out, Qiqi was herb-picking, and Baizhu was otherwise occupied. It wasn't a big deal, really.

At least... not until someone particularly impatient decided to make their job difficult.

Baizhu never took kindly to such incidents; this one was no different. Based on his tone of voice alone, it wasn't hard to guess that he was livid, golden irises alight with rage. Even Changsheng had hissed in their defense at the sight in front of her eyes.

He'd come back just in time to see them flinch away from the raised hand of some foreign adventurer.

"This one—"

"And who said I was asking you?" he scoffed, sliding behind the counter and checking them for wounds. They were shaking, he noted, gingerly supporting a fraction of their weight in case they were to collapse. "I was asking my herbalist, [Name]."

Baizhu was a man of patience and, really...

He wasn't all that confrontational. Despite that, any semblance of the supposed cowardice he harbored was gone in an instant.

His scarred fingers drew soothing shapes on their upper arm as he led them into the back of the clinic, guiding them to sit on one of the beds before their legs could give out.

"Are you alright?"

baizhu takes very good care of them after stressful encounters because he knows very well that such high-stress emotional experiences will take a toll on their body.

whenever a wealthier patient comes in, they've learned to overcharge them on purpose even if it's for the most ridiculous of ailments; oh? you say you have been sneezing quite a lot and are having a hard time breathing? no, no, it's not springtime allergies, who told you that? it's quite dire, in fact, and the treatment price will be awfully expensive... oh? you'll pay it? wonderful!

^ herbalist gui says that baizhu is a terrible influence on them sometimes.

in their defense, they get hefty bonuses every time wealthy people pay ridiculous prices for typically rather inexpensive herbs (like a certain ginger harbinger did one time! they still giggle at the memory of him paying so much for so little). the more wealthy people pay, the bigger their bonuses (fatui harbingers are very wealthy...).

simply put, they make more mora than the majority of their family put together because of this morally dubious behavior.

baizhu, gui, qiqi, and [name] are a chaotic found family but yk what? they all make it work <3

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[davycoquette]

Questionnaire~

Thank you for the tag, @drchenquill!

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

I always call it a hobby, but almost always prefixed with some form of, "greatest," "most important," or "favorite." I think way of life fits a helluva lot better. I've been writing since I can remember.

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

The journal one. I have like 900 I'm actively writing in at this very moment.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

Cormac McCarthy. The love I have for my shitty characters. The agonizing unignorable need to put words on paper or screen.

4.Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

The singing one. I am not ashamed of my writing, but I have been taught to be ashamed of my singing lmfao. Which is weird and dumb because singing isn't something I go around telling people I can do decently - I don't tell people, "Oh, I sing," or, "I'm a singer." So, I have nothing to prove on that front, yet... I don't think I could make a peep of noise if someone said, "Sing me a song." Meanwhile, even when my writing's not at it's best, I'm like, "Yeah, I'm a writer. Here's some shit I wrote that isn't good. Sometimes I write good stuff, though."

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

I mean... in the literal sense, sure. A story looks different from the eyes of a character. By the same token, it helps me "understand" when people make choices I've not personally made. I think, for this reason, it's important to write about characters with different belief systems than we have - to write about them as sympathetic people with complex emotions. Not just to villainize or cathartically punish them, but to explore why people do the things they do and what life events might drive them in that direction. But cathartic character murder has its time and place, and who am I suggest what others write? Y'all do y'all.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

I have not used LiveJournal since I was a teen - is it still a thing people use??? That sounds nostalgic and fun. Not sure what FFN is; something to do with fanfiction? I only write original fiction, so that rules it out if so. AO3 is very cool, but the interface isn't my favorite. Also fanfic-heavy, so I never know if I've got a place there. Tumblr always freaked me right the fuck out, but the Writeblr community has proven to be my favorite writing community I've discovered online. And in a very short timespan, I might add!

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

I do not use AO3 but wordcounts can never be high enough 😎

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

Probably too many to count. Little House on the Prairie A Separate Peace The Road Fight Club (recently rewatching this was humbling because it showed me how much of my writerly personality seems to be inspired by the way it rearranged my brain chemicals) Bullet Train (I fucken love this movie) Lawn Dogs Box of Moonlight Harold and Maude (book & movie) Pride and Prejudice (book & movie)

9. What’s the highest compliment you’ve ever been given, and have you been given it?

I've received some absolute banger compliments, and I don't want to dismiss any in favor of others. My favorite compliments are often ...questions? Just things that let me know people really did read, absorb, and are interested in things I wrote. Also, my love language is when people think about me of their own volition. So, any time people come to me apropos of nothing or say "this reminds me of you/your characters/your writing, I giggle and kick my feet and do a lil' happy dance.

10. What defines your writing style?

Gritty, casual. If it was art, it'd be the kind with the sketchlines still visible. Deep, silly. Visceral, I hope.

Taglist and blank template under the cut!

@albatris

@capnmachete

@harmonic-melodii

@illarian-rambling

@michellekarnold

@nathaniel-zellos

@sableglass

@saturnine-saturneight

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

4.Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

9. What’s the highest compliment you’ve ever been given, and have you been given it?

10. What defines your writing style?

[bloggingboutburgers]

Heyyyyy, got a question if you don't mind

I'm aroace. The problem (I think) is that I'm not visibly aroace (can one even be visibly aroace?) and I'm also quite antisocial in general.

It's not that I'm hiding it (I can (I think) casually mention it when relevant) or that I'm in the closet, I just don't really feel the need to change my appearance due to it. If that makes sense

Anyway, now for the (I suppose) controversial bit.

Due to not being "visibly" queer, I don't face (I think at least) the using discrimination (or whatever you call it).

And due to that I sometimes (quite often) don't feel like I'm "actually" queer/aroace.

And yes, I know that it super fucked up to "want" (not the right word, but I'm not English. Just to clarify in case it's not obvious, I do not actual want that) to face the challenges other people do.

Any advice for this?

(extra appreciated if the advice doesn't include going out and/or meeting people, it that's just wishful thinking)

Hey! OK, I hope I don't ruin anyone's day (including yours) or say anything that might be harmful to anyone, as always I'm not gospel and can only speak from my own experience...

...But long story short, honestly, if you don't feel discriminated against, and don't suffer from it on a day to day basis... That's awesome!! And... I feel weird having to say this, but I don't think suffering discrimination should be a requirement for being queer, should it? I mean, that's literally our goal, as queer people, to end discrimination against ourselves, so if this is a demonstration that we're getting closer to that, that's awesome, honestly!

...But yeah. I mean... I hope it's not a stretch to say, but I can imagine there's quite a few queer people out there (not just aroaces) who have had the luck in their life never to be discriminated against, and I hope that continues for them, because... Yeah, that's the goal!

Being queer isn't about that, I don't think. I think first and foremost what defines you as queer is that you deviate from the hetero norm that is viewed as the "default" in society. And I've said that before and I'll say it again, because it might be even harder to actually integrate as an aroace (there's so much external pressure from in and out of the queer community, and yeah, like you said, it's hard to be visible when your orientation revolves around the ABSENCE of something), but you don't have to prove anything to anyone. If you feel you're aroace, then you are. It oughta be that simple most times.

Plus... Not feeling discriminated against at one point in your life sadly doesn't mean that won't happen later down the line. When I discovered myself as aroace as a teen, I didn't really feel my orientation gave me many problems, other than having zero resources at the time to figure out what I was even existed, and being mistaken for gay and facing the occasional homophobia because I didn't date boys. But after a while, after getting into adulthood and being dismissed a couple too many times when I mention my orientation, after the lack of rep getting to me at times (though hey, there IS rep, which I didn't even think I'd see in my lifetime), or after people decide you're old enough to ask you when you're gonna get married too many times for comfort (why do people even do that?), it kinda stuck with me to the point where I wanted to vent in comics. I don't have much to complain about in my life at all! Thankfully the laws in my country or the society I live in can't FORCE me to follow a hetero pattern, so the worst I get is systemic stuff and micro-aggressions, so yeah, I have it good. It's just an itch on a day-to-day. But yeah, made me wanna talk about it sometimes I guess.

But yeah! My bottomline would be: you're in a good situation, from what I understand, and that's great. I hope for you that it lasts. And you shouldn't feel guilty or less valid as an aroace or as a queer person for it. Your experience and your identity are what they are and no one can define your identity but yourself. I know saying "don't feel guilty" or "feel more valid" is easier said than done, but I hope that helps, anyway TwT

[mrsbsmooth]

Ok I've been in the fandom for about three years now, but I still sometimes feel like I'm on the outside - how do you make close friendships? because I've spoken to many people in this fandom, including you, and I call you guys friends in my head, but I'm too anxious to just talk to people in their inbox just because I like them and I don't wanna be annoying or overstep if you get what I mean

HOLA!

You'd be surprised how often I get asked stuff like this.

Honest answer?

#3: Engaging on tumblr Reblogs, comments, etc. Nothing better than screaming at each other in the comments of a post. I think I'm weird in that I prefer comments to reblogs because it doesn't clog up everyone else's dash. #2: Engaging on Ao3. If you're looking to snag a writer friend, read their fics and comment on them. Then have the same URL on tumblr and send them an ask about it. We are simple beings and easily tricked into friendship if you tell us you like the thing we spent 45 hours writing.

#1: Discord.

I've made so many wonderful friends through tumblr. It's one thing to reblog something or comment (I think comments are better than just a blank reblog, personally), but my friendships within this fandom only kicked off really once I started talking to them on discord.

Of course we've got the Writer's room which is just me, Emma, Bia, Elle and Tammy, and there's a private server for dedicated fanfic writers (although you have to be a writer and also have somewhat of a highly visible presence to be invited to that one. They've had HUGE issues with semi-anonymous people wanting to join and then being trolls or starting drama and wrecking the wonderful friendly vibe.) But there is also an amazing fan server which I believe is still run by @caitkaminski @oliverslove and @rebelrayne. It's an absolutely wonderful place and there's almost always discussion going on in there, especially on episode release day. It's WILD. I highly recommend it. Check their blogs, I think the link is in their bios.

Also, I don't even know who you are (anon obviously) but you're my friend in my head too dw xxx

[merakiui]

Say what you want about Floyd, but he's arguably the smartest among the octatrio (in regards to emotions) and for me, probably has the most rizz. The fact that he's earnestly trying and not forcing anything is just amazing to me. I'd probably fall for him in a month or so, hahaha. I love the idea about that chalk line and how Floyd follows rules so that his dear Shrimpy can be fine. As always, love your work and your version of Floyd! :D

Floyd can be quite perceptive at times, so he will notice your emotional reactions more than anything else! I think Floyd is better at feeling and picking up on emotions rather than faking them, whereas Jade and Azul excel at that. Everything is genuine and honest with Floyd. He won't exactly lie to you; he'll just be very evasive with things he doesn't want you to know and will often change the subject in his usual lighthearted way. Or he'll give you that scary look and his voice will lower a few octaves to be intimidating enough so you'll drop the subject entirely.

He's really trying his best to be good to you. He wants to treat you gently. He sees how in love his parents are and he wants a bond like that. Floyd realizes that nothing substantial or sweet will come from a fractured bond that's being forced, so he tries to be natural about everything. Even if the first few months are especially difficult, what with him trying not to hurt you and keeping his moods in check, Floyd gradually learns how to be patient and softer when interacting with you. Sometimes it might feel like he treats you like a pet or a child, but this is Floyd's way of warming up to this arrangement in the best way he can.

Floyd is so used to pushing his way into other people's boundaries and personal spaces, so when it's clear that you don't like that and that you're afraid of him he thinks it would be easier for you and him if there was a visible barrier between the both of you. That way you can be comforted knowing it exists and that that line is not meant to be crossed by him. Also, I think having a visible line gives Floyd a visual reminder that, no matter how much he wants to hug and cuddle you, he can't cross it. He has to follow this rule because it's what makes you feel comfortable, and he will follow this rule no matter what. He's surprisingly dedicated to that.

He really hates it when you cry. You might think he likes to see your suffering, but that's not true. Floyd loves you, so it hurts him when he knows you're hurting. That's why he's going to do everything he can to make sure his dear shrimpy will get to a point where they can smile and feel happy. Even if he has to wait forever, he'll do just that if it means he can see something other than sadness.

(Also, he pulls the mattress from his bed into the living room so he can sleep beside you on the other side of the chalk line. And he'll often tell you that he "won't hurt shrimpy." In a way it's as if he's saying it to remind himself, as if he's making that verbal promise for himself. Floyd just wants you to be comfortable around him. All his life he's scared and intimidated people, but this time he wants you to find comfort in the features that normally terrify others.)

[haizficz]

Fire on Ice.

..........................................................................................

Hailee Steinfeld x female Reader

Summary: Depression is cold but not the love you both hold.

Warnings: depression; panic attack; fluff explotion; Hailee being the cutest person on earth; soft and comforting Hailee (we love her sfm)

a/n: Y/n (Reader) is an image of me and i don't have anyone like Hailee and how i described her in this fic, so i decided to write this. [i'm so freaking proud of my title and summary for this fic lol]

[Also one of the paragraphs is inspired by euphoria.]

P.s. Thank you for all the support! Notes and Reblogs are highly appreciated, love you <3

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"Life is hard" That's what everybody says. As a kid you don't really understand why everybody says that. But at some point the vision gets more and more visible..., or invisible. It's always different for every kind of person.

You don't know why, but your Life is not just hard. Sometimes it's beautiful and you enjoy it and at other times you feel like you can't breathe. Like you're stuck in a hole and you can't get out. Like you're depressed.

The other thing about depression is it kinda collapses time. Suddenly you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. And eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. And will only continue to be this way.

Of course your girlfriend knew about your mental illness. She reads you easier than any open book. The moment you told her that you were not always onehundred percent happy. And with "not always" you mean never. Hailee began to spend more time with you than she ever did before. You didn't even knew that was possible, but it was.

She started cuddling with you longer. Mumbled I love you's before you fall asleep. Holded you any time she could. Bought more often your favorite snacks. And the list goes on and on.

She made you fall in love with her more and more every day. Like she did with you. But you never really realized this. You were grateful for her and what she was doing for you. Yet there was always that one ulterior motive back in your head.

You're just a burden to her.

......

Today was exhausting. Not physically but mentally. About an hour ago you said to your girlfriend that you were going to go for a walk alone. Whatever you did. You tried to clear your head, enjoy the chirping birds and it worked a little. At least for the first few minutes. After a while you started missing the physical touch of Hailee. Your hand was empty and cold. Maybe it wasn't very smart to be without your comforter on a bad day.

As your eyes started to tear up and your body started trembling, you walked without hesitating back to your and Hailees apartment. Or better said you tried. Breathing was difficult and you strolled slowly.

Finally you saw the door to your home. It felt like several hours before you got here. Thank God you took the key with you. You didn’t want to wake Hailee. She's probably sleeping right now because before you left she said she was already going to bed.

You unlocked the front door and made your way straight to the bedroom. A lightly snoring Hailee filled the room with comfort, exactly what you needed. You took off your shoes and you softly layed onto Hailee. Your head hid in the back of her neck where the sharp note of her perfume stung your nose. It smells like vanilla and cherry blossoms. Like Hailee. Hailee who wasn't really in a deep sleep. She could feel the tears running down your cheeks onto her shoulder. She heard your quiet sobs and above all she felt your body trembling and shaking.

Suddenly you felt her arms wrapping around you and her head slowly turns to yours. She shared you a sweet kiss onto your forehead and afterwards she took the blanket near to her and pull it over you both. You were still shaking from the panic attack you had minutes ago. That's why Hailee softly placed her hands under your hoodie and drew randomly little circles on your back. Her touch was smoothing and it felt like fire on your freezed body.

A little while later your crying became quieter and you calmed down. Hailee and you are still in the same position as before. Only your head moved further down from her shoulder to her chest. Your ear right over her heart. Hailee's heartbeat, which you heard clearly, filled your soul with peace. Your hands wrapped around Hailee's body and her hands wrapped around you. None of you made a sound. You both knew exactly how the other person was feeling right now. Words didn’t have to be spoken. Except those three. Those three words you and Hailee share every day, every hour and always mean it.

"I love you."

She whispered to you. Her voice was raspy and you could hear that she was crying too. Your grip became tighter but also softer at the same time. Which maybe doesn't make any sense at all. But it was true.

You fell deeper into Hailee's touch and again a tear fell from your eye. "I love you too."

You slowly sat back up and looked down at Hailee. "I'm sorry to be such a burden to you, Haiz, I just made you cry and I, I don't want that-" Your body started shaking again and you felt a lump in your throat from holding back the tears. Hailee quickly sat up and placed both of her hands on your cheeks. "Hey, hey, it's okay, I know that you're not feeling well, y/n. And I'm crying because it hurts so much seeing you in this state, I'm not crying because you made me." She comforted you, her hazel eyes meeting yours. And you could definetely tell that she's saying the truth as always. Hailee never lies to you, but your brain told you the complete opposite. "There's literally no difference between making you cry and crying because of my state." "Yes there is!" She shouted, which really surprised you. Hailee never yelled at you before. You looked at her without saying anything. "Sorry." She whispered after realizing. "I'm just- I'm just so worried about you, y/n."

You sighed deeply and lost yourself in her eyes. Eyes that were filled with worries, love and fear. A layer of water was placed over them, which made them shine. "I'm sorry, Haiz." You flustered and you fell again into her arms. She held you tight and you enjoyed the warmth of Hailee's body. She warmed you, and your freezing heart started to melt from the fire of love you both have for eachother.

Warm Love that is bigger than your cold Depression.

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tagging again my dear friend here: @hard-core-super-star

[monstersinthecosmos]

i love you asexuality in the VC post! i feel like i don't see people talk about the ace aspect of those books often, even though that was something that really spoke to me so much when i first read them (tbh it also makes me a little burned out to see some adaptations focus so much on the sex too because part of me is like. but i /liked/ the asexuality of it all! that wasn't a bug it was a feature!!)

I can’t always tell why we don’t talk about it more often; sometimes it feels like it’s so obvious that it goes unsaid, and other times I think ace folks in fandom are just so shy to bring it up because historically people have been such rancid cunts about it? I’m not sure.

But again and again, every time I make asexual VC posts, I get so many people commenting, tagging, DM’ing, inboxing to thank me or tell me they feel seen, and that’s what we need more of! 

It’s hard because like, I understand why visual adaptations feel the need to show it visibly, especially because I think it’s easy to forget that asexuality is already so heavily misunderstood/underdiscussed IN the queer community itself, and when we see this bullshit on TUMBLR of all places it tells me that even inside the queer echo chamber we are struggling for visibility. So I don’t expect mainstream audiences and ~ regular people ~ to understand it at all. I also fully respect the politics behind SHOWING SEX and being loud about it. I think that’s very much needed in the current political climate.

There’s a discussion to be had about non-sexual intimacy and split attraction models though; for example, we could also visually communicate with kissing and casual intimacy, touching, cuddling, etc, and the nature of TV and using sex to sell means that it’s not enough. And when you see an adaptation on a network that can’t use graphic sex anyway, it winds up being a lot of telling and not showing, so by that point I wonder why they can’t just be more casually intimate. 

It goes back to the misunderstanding in the books, too, like, the non-sexual romance and intimacy, even the vampire-sensual intimacy isn’t subtext. Not fucking doesn’t make the queerness subtext. It just means they’re not fucking, and I think when fans insist otherwise we’re getting into “all queer people are obsessed with sex” rhetoric that’s extremely problematic, and if you’re keeping score it’s the current talking point of the right to try to erase our existence in public. But the way this gets weaponized within fandom (on both sides) is just so fucking tired lmao. 

The whole conversation can be a huge bummer and I have interacted with tons of ace folks in this fandom over the years and everyone felt the same way about the canon asexuality and appreciated it and felt seen, etc. Especially older fans who didn’t know what asexuality was and likely felt alienated or were made to feel broken. So I just would love if people could discuss it without punching down at ace people and taking away like, the one fucking thing we had lol, and it would also be great if defensive ace folks didn’t overcorrect and try to center sexlessness as a moralizing tool, because it isn’t. I think when we start weaponizing and trying to arm ourselves by turning orientation into ethics we’re losing the plot. I think sometimes allos punch back and get defensive because they think we’re saying they’re gross for wanting to see sex or whatever and that’s not really the point. 

Personally, I read the books young enough that I always felt very supported by them, like I experienced the same confusion and worry about being broken but also the books were such a source of comfort because I was like, oh I just appreciate people the way vampires do.

Anyway it also provides so much rich extra context and framing for some of the characters and their intentions and can inform so much more meta. Like, examining themes of rape (vampire/biting rape vs literal rape) there’s so much to unpack about intention and desire when vampires see humans as food, when pleasure is about thirst and feeding and survival and nourishment and not only about sexual gratification. It just adds a whole other layer to discuss and I think that enhances the stories a lot. And like I said earlier, I understand that reducing it to “asexuality” as a human construct might seem as reductive as reducing it strictly to sex, but I hope one day people can build their cases against it without being so dismissive of ace people because it’s really recognizable and prominent in the text.

[loveemagicpeace]

🫧Machine Gun Kelly 🎨💘

🎨Sun & mercury in 12th house

💘Sun in 12th house makes a person seem like they don't have their own personality or like they don't have talents. People don't see your true personality and many times they attribute a different personality than it really is. He also said "It just was like, you won’t hear me, I can’t make you see me”-12th house people don’t see you. He is actually a very kind and compassionate person. He has a lot of talents and his personality is also different than people think it is. In the movie taurus, you can see how he described his subconscious and the sadness he feels inside. How misunderstood he feels. He also talked about an imaginary friend / person this is many times present if you have 12th house or a lot of pisces.With Mercury here, can be seen that he wants to say something, but people don't hear him, they don't understand what he wants to say. It feels like they don't speak the same language. People always misinterpret him. Music is everything to him. You can see that he has a kind of obsession with it. And speaking of obsessions, his addiction to drugs also shows up here. 12th / Neptune rules drugs, alcohol, addiction, your world, escape. And he generally feels a lot of other people's energy and escapes reality by taking drugs. Pisces like to be in an illusion. Drugs also represent an escape from his wounds and childhood.

🍹Gemini rising- his abilities and himself are shown. People see him as someone who does several things at the same time and also means that you are talented in many things. That's why he's so good at music and has multiple talents, he's creative and his mind is also very creative and dreamy. This makes him more open and a person who speaks his mind. At the same time, he can be crazy and do crazy things that he remembers at the last moment. The rising sign also indicates that he can have two personalities. He can feel like a person who has two lives, especially since it is his chart ruler in 12th house. Sometimes you don't know what is reality and what isn't.

✨Sun sextile Jupiter- this aspect brings him fame and visibility also good luck & many opportunities. Because these are the two planets that represent visibility and luck. This aspect gives him a reason to deal with challenges more easily.

💎Mercury Trine Neptune- can be seen that he has an imagination mind. His expression is deep and dreamy. This aspect also illustrates that he has many talents. This aspect give poetry, art, dance or acting skills. And this also means that he has strong intuition.

🪐Sun square Saturn- represents tests and challenges that have to be overcome to get ahead in life. This aspect may cause difficulties early in life with self-esteem due to criticism from people, especially authority figures like his father. He may be too hard on himself. He may be overly self-critical and suffer from poor self-esteem because of that.

🧚🏼‍♀️Pisces moon, venus, mars-he has a lot of compassion and feels the energy of others all the time. You sacrifice a lot for others. You feel like a part of you is missing because you keep giving it to others. And here you can also see that he prefers to be in his own world rather than dealing with reality. Pisces can quickly fall into depression , that's why his mood is always changing. And at the same time, the energy of other people can quickly tire him. When you look at him, you can see that he is sad from the inside. The emotions of pisces can usually be seen from the outside. And also according to his style (pisces often have messy style). They stand out with their style, which is also often dreamy. This placements makes him good at acting. He can quickly immerse himself in any role. And the fact that he started to believe in astrology and talk about it is because he has so many pisces energy (Pisces is meant to find astrology).

☁️Moon in 11th house-moon represents emotions, where do you feel safe, where you feel fulfilled. He feels good with friends and can make very emotional contacts with them. People on social media can see him as an emotional person. He can share a lot with the audience (on social networks) about how he feels and his emotions. But he can also have a very emotional view of social media and people, which means that he is quickly affected by hateful comments. He can take a lot to heart. But since he has a pisces here, he can also feel cramped among the crowd.

🔑Pluto in 6th house- you are obsessed with getting things done. You work as long as your work is perfect and as you imagined it to be. He is very persistent and very analytical about the things he does and goes deep into them. He wants people to feel the passion and depth in the music he makes. Libra in 6th house- means that you still want to create a fair atmosphere at work and be fair. You want to have a good relationship with employees. Music accompanies him at every step. His every day is music. Music means a lot to him and he showed it in his film. You can see that everything he does has meaning and that he wants everything he does to be realistic but at the same time beautiful. Pluto wants things to be as they are, not to change them even if they turn out "ugly" because you want to show that part of the depth.

🎡Venus trine Pluto- he feels things deeply and has a really intense love. He strongly feels the people and things around him and wants true and deep love. It also suggests that he has a strong personality and when he loves someone he will really love them, his love is eternal. You want a real connection with someone and someone who will feel you as strongly as you feel them.

🦋Venus sextile Neptune-makes him romantic, creative, gentle, passionate and sensual person. He can also idealize love and the person he is with. He wants to see things through rose-colored glasses. And also very self-sacrificing in love. This also gives him artistic and other creative talents. This aspect also rules over tattoos. That's why he has so many tattoos and also more such fanciful, cartoon characters. This makes him a very unselfish person by nature.

🫧Uranus & Neptune in 8th house- Neptune could mean that he fantasizes a lot about sex or things like that. This also indicates that he can have many mystical relationships and attracts many people who have hidden qualities. It can also be someone with whom you connect spiritually. it gives him a lot of imagination and also his view of the dark side can be more beautiful (he can idealize it). That's why he himself is so spiritual and believes in astrology. He always has a crystal with him just as it was shown in his movie. As a taurus, it can be seen that he has an emotional attachment to things that are his. Neptune many times creates spiritual connections between people. Uranus gives a different view of the relationship. With a person, you do more things with that person that are unusual and people may see your relationship as weird. In fact, it is difficult for others to understand the relationship he has because it is presented in such a way that it can be more difficult to understand. Here you can see his attitude in the relationship, that it is more outstanding, different and strange (people do not understand the attitude he has in the relationship). With uranus he can be exposed to things that are often unexpected or he himself does something that is unexpected.

🥥Saturn & NN in 9th house -Saturn is a planet that tests you and gives you lessons in life from which you then learn something. Saturn here can give him a critical attitude towards life and the world in which he lives. Maybe he feels that he is never really seen or that people never give him as much as he deserves. He may feel that the world is not fair to him. He never gets enough credit for what he does. This can take away the light in his life, he can feel that life is always difficult and full of challenges. He finds it difficult to find his inspiration or feels that it is always taken away from him. He can quickly lose hope or see something too realistically. Here comes the focus on your growth and what you want to leave the world. With saturn here he wants people to take him seriously and respect him. North node- he goes through the challenges of how to find the meaning of life. He have to find his faith in something he believes in deeply. Because he can quickly become depressed if his life don’t have a meaing. This is the house of Sagittarius and Sagittarius always want to find the meaning of life and something that drives them forward, that makes them alive.

🍓Venus in the 10th house represents him as a loving person, a person who wants to be fair and have a good relationship with the public. He shows a lot of gratitude to the people who support him and loves to serve people. This is also good for his career because with this he is also noticed and can have a large circle of friends / people. Many people think that he wants to be something more or they can see him as someone who is too materialistic. But that's not who he really is. Mars here you can see that he has no problem showing his reactions or anger in public. He easily says what he thinks back. He will not walk away from an argument but will face it head on. His energy can be seen in the audience. That is why he is often very brave and doesn't care what others think. Mars in this house makes you a brave person even if you are not.

🫐Pluto square MC- He may also feel that he has no power over the audience. He wants to help others see their strength, which he did not have. This also shows how intense a relationship he had with his parents. As a child he suffered from many things, he did not have enough strength and even when he said that he had many times problems with trust.

🥦Mercury square MC -This may also indicate that he moved around a lot growing up. He is trying to understand the mysteries of life. He may be very nostalgic and yearn for his old self, feeling sad about the passage of time. This can lead to regrets and bouts of depression. Anxiety, OCD, and panic attacks. But at the same time he is optimistic about the future. Many times he can have problems with authority and rules. He doesn't like to do things according to rules or follow a system. This also shows because he has an Aquarius MC.

🪄Chrion in 2nd house- This shows his childhood wounds, which are related to his self-esteem, self-worth. Maybe he felt that no one saw his worth, but only what he had. Therefore, he tends to want to show what he knows and what he has in order to show his worth. He may have trouble seeing the worth in his own being without having something to offer. He thinks that it is the material values ​​that represent him. He is not his possessions. He have to learn that his worth is not what he have to physically offer. But he is so much more than that. This placement shows a need for finding things of value inside yourself rather than outside yourself.

His venus trine Chiron- this gives him unique style & view of beauty, value & love. He can help others with their wounds (that's why many people feel their pain through his music). It gives them the feeling that someone understands them.

Pluto Trine Chiron-he can easily convey power and authority even when he don't feel powerful because of his past wounds and traumas.

Jupiter Conjunction Chiron-his optimism and faith can be also hurt with this aspect. There was a traumatic event that took his faith in life away. He can feel that life has no meaning and that the universe doesn’t care about him.

Mercury Sextile Chiron- He is very open about his wounds and likes to share them with others in the music he creates. He expresses his pain through music.

-Rebekah🥥🪄🧚🏼‍♀️

[luveline]

do you know why the ao3 reader praised you and at the same time charged for a continuation? because at least here on tumblr that's what you do: come back answering some questions and posting some fics, then you get a bad comment and you insist on replying giving even more visibility to the person (pretending that what they said doesn't affect you when it really does), people stick up for you and you say thank you and always apologize, you slowly stop posting and disappear for a few days and then come back saying you had a hard time even though you said those comments wouldn't ruin your day. You're not under contract and you post and write whatever you want and what makes you happy, you're a human being and you have the right to have hobbies and do whatever you want, but I can't deny that it's frustrating for you to post something, then post countless fics of other characters and after a while say “I intend to continue that story, I just don't know when”. Do you know why people even praise and charge you? because your writing is good, and some people only follow you for that, for your writing. It's no use for you to think you're the best and say to stop following you because that's not what will happen. I repeat again that you are in a cycle and that your writing is the only thing that saves you. And you can come as many people as you want to defend you or say that I hide behind the anonymous, I don't care, these people should stop being hypocrites because when you come back after a long time away one of the first things they ask is when will you post again

— do you know why the ao3 reader praised you and at the same time charged for a continuation?

As I said in my post, I'm unsure! I think perhaps they hadn't stopped to think about why I may not have updated, though the answer to that was that I hadn't posted them on ao3.

—because at least here on tumblr that's what you do: come back answering some questions and posting some fics, then you get a bad comment

Unsure why this matters, like you say a little further down, I have a life, hobbies, responsibilities, and autonomy.

—you get a bad comment and you insist on replying giving even more visibility to the person

The majority of mean or abusive asks I receive go unanswered and blocked, but when I do share them, it isn't to insist on visibility, but to give myself an opportunity to share my thoughts. The anon passed judgement, I used my voice and my space to give my own opinion. Also, there isn't any shame in wanting comfort from others. I'm sorry if that doesn't seem fair to you, or maybe I look like an attention seeker! But I'm in a privileged situation to be comforted and reassured, so sometimes I do want to be comforted, hence sharing the ask!!

—(pretending that what they said doesn't affect you when it really does)

was this supposed to be like a GOTCHA moment where you humbled me, or is this just an observation you didn't think anyone else made? Yeah, half the time I lie and say hate comments don't bother me, because I don't want the person who sent it to know they made me miserable, and I don't want people here worrying about me. It is a very normal human thing to do

—people stick up for you and you say thank you and always apologize

True!

—you slowly stop posting and disappear for a few days and then come back saying you had a hard time even though you said those comments wouldn't ruin your day

Another GOTCHA! Although I'd like to stick up for myself here, considering how breathtakingly observational you are, you seem to have completely ignored the multiple instances where they did in fact not ruin my day, as well as other reasons I might take time away, like my underlying health problems that I've mentioned, which are often the root of the problem. I'm not saying you're totally wrong though, of course you aren't, people say mean shit to me and I don't want to write anymore and I'm not gonna villanise myself for that nor am I going to berate anyone else who feels discouraged at their hobby. Feedback affects the way you look at your craft, it always has, so I don't feel bad for taking time to myself.

—You're not under contract and you post and write whatever you want and what makes you happy, you're a human being and you have the right to have hobbies and do whatever you want, but

I'm definitely being unfair to you in saying this but I literally could've made money betting on the 'but' at the end of this sentence. You're right though!! I do post and write whatever makes me happy

—but I can't deny that it's frustrating for you to post something, then post countless fics of other characters and after a while say “I intend to continue that story, I just don't know when”.

Sub points. 1. I genuinely do not think that it is my responsibility to control how frustrated you become, because like you said, I can write whatever I want. I am so, so grateful that people read my work, that they enjoy it, that they continue to support me while what I want to write changes and goes back and forth, but I won't force myself to only post that one thing because it might mitigate frustration. 2. You say it's okay for me to write whatever I want, but when you mention my posting countless other fics of other characters, I get the sense that you don't truly think it's okay. 3. I do say that! It's actually in my FAQ and has been for months and months and months, because it's true, and I don't see a problem with that answer.

If it is frustrating to you to begin a story that may not have a guaranteed ending, or further installments, don't read it. I don't see why I get the blame here for your actions, why your frustration becomes my fault. My actions are my own, and all I can read from your sentence here is that you're frustrated that I'm doing what I want and writing what I want, which doesn't make much sense, because only a few lines before that, you say I'm a human being with the right... to do whatever I want. So would you like me to do what I want, or would you like me to do what I want only if it coincides with what you want?

—Do you know why people even praise and charge you? because your writing is good, and some people only follow you for that, for your writing

'Charge' I'm sorry genuinely that I don't know what you mean by that, I'm not poking fun here I really just don't know, apologies. I'm glad my writing is good in your eyes! Some people praise me because they think that the writing I post is good, it's entertaining, and because they have genuinely good hearts. And I know that some people only follow me for my writing, but... [see next point (section 2.)]

—It's no use for you to think you're the best and say to stop following you because that's not what will happen.

1.I do not think I'm the best, and I'm not sure what that has to do with it. 2. It's no use to say to stop following you because that's not what will happen— what would you have me do? My writing and my life aren't two separate things, and I'll keep saying it when others try to separate them. I actually think this is where you're getting tripped up. I'm a person, and I'm affected by the way people treat me, how they percieve me, and their expectations. So yes, some people follow me solely for my writing (which is kind of my entire appeal to be fair), and I'm glad they do despite if they might like me or not, but I'm not going to say Yes, please, keep enjoying my hard work, my passion projects, while simultaneously resenting me for the emotions and life experiences that so heavily influence that very writing!

—I repeat again that you are in a cycle and that your writing is the only thing that saves you

Like, my writing is the only good thing about me because my taking breaks from tumblr when hate asks pile on is embarrassing, or makes me a write off? Or that my writing actually saves me? Is it fair to be mad at me for being in that 'cycle', which consists of me getting a bad message and then me doing what ever it is I need to digest or cope with it?

—And you can come as many people as you want to defend you or say that I hide behind the anonymous, I don't care, these people should stop being hypocrites because when you come back after a long time away one of the first things they ask is when will you post again

You seem kind of self aware but not really 😭 you arguments against my– what? Against my not understanding why people complain? I definitely understand why people complain, even if I don't agree, and it is a mixture of a lack of self awareness, parasocial closeness, and genuine critique. Your arguments against me are extremely odd (at least in my opinion). I think that you have complained before about fics not being updated fast enough for your liking, or you've had those thoughts, and that my post has struck a nerve and you've come to set things right in your eyes, because how could you be wrong?

But the dreaded E word, entitlement! It's easy when a writer says the word entitled for you to scoff or roll your eyes. You're not entitled!! You want something, sorry to say this, but free, something free that you personally had little hand in creating, and when you don't get it you feel frustrated and leave a message explaining why– well, I'm not sure what you were trying to explain. That I'm a huge loser or something 😭 but that's not entitlement or anything. I'm not sure if you were under the impression that I didn't know lots of this stuff about myself and that by telling me I was going to change my rotten ways and give you the new chapter of fanfic you deserve because I tricked you into reading and enjoying the first one, but I'm going to keep doing things how I'm doing them! Like you said, like I've said, I write because I really fucking love doing it, the one and only downside is when people like you start to think you know everything about me from the single facet of my life you see online, and decide that's grounds to talk down at me, or attempt to dictate how I am.

And yeah some people are hypocrites like that, but so is literally everyone on the entire planet, me and you included 😭 you're literally a hypocrite in this message as I pointed out, explaining that I'm a person with rights to do as I want to, but also that to some I'm like a sophisticated chatGPT bot who should sit down, shut up, and write what others want, lest they become upset with me, and I should be okay with that.

I try not to attach malicious intentions to anonymous messages even when I know they're cruel on purpose, but this just couldn't be abided by. You've embarrassed yourself by assuming multiple things about me, and you've outed yourself as a dick — your precursory and oh so generous paragraph about how I'm not under contract didn't really work when you couldn't resist your 'countless other fics' comment afterward. It's obvious that you expect things from me, and it's obvious you look down on me.

I realise that nothing I could've said here would satisfy you. You have me figured out, and this will just seem like a defensive and hostile message to your well-meaning advice or something, but I really don't care anymore. I'm not solely a 'content maker' or a fanfic writer, and I don't owe you things just because you've decided you want more.

If anyone has sat here reading this all the way to the end, I just want to say that although I stand by everything I've said, this is in NO WAY meant to be a dig at people who ask me when the next part of something or other is coming out, nor is it a brand on every follower of entitlement. I KNOW that it can be frustrating when you grow used to the things you enjoy, but I genuinely cannot help being affected by things in my life, and I also won't put what other people want over my own happiness on a regular basis, and while I regret that you're frustrated by wanting something and not getting it I really think that this life is about doing what you love when you love it. Writing is my escape, and I'm so privileged, so thankful, and so grateful to be able to share it with people who are so amazingly kind hearted, patient, and loving. So so happy that the vast majority of you are okay with me writing what I'm in the mood for and what's fun for me. I really mean this without malice, anyone who doesn't like the way that I operate is more than allowed to continue reading in silence and resenting me, but please do it quietly, cos I won't be answering a message like this again, or to unfollow me, block me, whatever makes you feel better.

I may not owe anyone certain pieces of writing, but I do owe my kindness and understanding to the people who have shown it to me. Thank you so much if you're someone who has reassured me after a mean anon, or who's defended me, or who's waited between those long gaps of my posting chapters just as eager as when they started. Writing is so much more fun when I get to share it with people like you!! I don't like letting people down, I don't like knowing that someone who's sent me a long kind anon message or reblogged the first chapter of a fic is upset that there isn't more, I doubt the person who sent this ask has ever done either, I promise I don’t relish in disappointing you.