#i may or may not have started using dating apps 24 hours ago just to see how it is

[onesunsetleft]

.

[jikookuntold]

What happened to Jikook in May 2015?

“How Jikook Started?” “Jikook and significance of May” “Jungkook and his Song Recommendations” were all the titles I thought about for this post and I ended up with the one you see. But what made me write this? A few days ago I came across an old tweet of JK from May 2015. This tweet was a song recommendation which I hadn’t notice before because I was only focused on 123 theory and as we all know this theory starts from October 2015 and I thought maybe we should pay more attention to the other songs JK recommended either. So I decided to go deeper and when I checked the tweets from May to August 2015 some interesting theories came to my mind.

Jikookers believe Jikook’s relationship changed in INU era and for proof of this theory they discuss some moments (long stares, exchanging jackets, etc.) but I’ve never seen them paying attention to the songs JK recommended in this era. It’s obvious that not all the songs he listens, likes or recommends are about romantic aspects of his life. On the other hand, musicians listen to any kind of song and this helps them for their career so not everything has to have a secret message or meaning, but no one can ignore the fact that when you feel connected to some lyrics and it captures your emotions you tend to share it with others so they can understand your feelings. This is more relatable for introverted people, an introverted person with artistic features uses different forms of art to express their feelings and JK is one of them.

JK’s song recommendation tweets started at the end of 2014 with “Lee Yerin -Your Universe” on December 24th and continued with “Misty Miller - Best Friend” on February 22th, and two songs on March 9th“King Krule - Baby Blue” and “Years & Years – Memo”. This declaration was necessary for this post but I’m not going to analyze these songs here. These songs are very significant (especially the last one from an openly gay artist with very expressing lyrics) and they need their own post.

After “Years & Years – Memo” JK didn’t recommend any song until May 24th. It’s interesting how there is a pattern for dates of his song recommendation tweets, it’s like he spams Twitter for a week and then deletes the app for months. Even his tweets in general, follow this pattern and most introverts can relate because sometimes we feel like expressing ourselves on social media, and some days we avoid it at any cost.

So, what happened in May 2015? Why Jikookers think this period is significant in Jikook history? Jikook had some obvious moments in INU era, JK seemed to be enchanted by Jimin and Jimin had became quieter and more preserved but still captivated by cute maknae. The most notable moment from this era happened on May 5th at Sukira Radio Interview where the MC asked about Jimin’s love for JK and Jimin answered: “There is something about him I don’t like but he is cute”. JK’s reaction to this answer is remarkable especially when Tae almost exposed them by saying “I think he kinda likes men” about Jimin and Jimin didn’t deny it.

A week later, on May 13th BTS went to Kota Kinabalu to film the Summer Package and Jikook filmed a log together before coming back to Korea. A few weeks later on June 5th when they were in Malaysia for Red Bullet Concert, they asked JK in an interview to describe Jimin "Jimin hyung is such a nice guy. His personality is just too nice. And he keeps giving me nice food. And when he smiles, his eyes are so pretty. He's the most charming guy on the team. If I were a girl I would date a guy like Jimin hyung." He answered. Fun Fact: They didn’t ask him who he wanted to date if he were a girl, but yet JK managed to state this anyway. They had asked this question from the members since their debut but JK never had chosen any member for someone who wants to date, and this moment was a turning point in JK’s attitude especially toward Jimin, even Jimin himself was shocked by JK’s answer. This fact directs us to the main question: What did happen in May 2015?

How was JK feeling at this point? Did something change in him? We can’t give a precise answer because we don’t know his emotions unless he shares them with us. As I said earlier, sharing music is a good way to express emotions. With recommending a song you can share your feelings without being too obvious (and get away with it because they are not your words, duh?) JK didn’t recommend any song after March 9th for two and a half months and finally, on May 24th he felt to share music and became active again. But three days before this date, Jimin had shared a song, surprisingly.

We know it’s not very common for Jimin to recommend a song especially in the style Namjoon and JK do, but on May 21st he recommended a newly released song named Pretty Bae by Lee Hyun and Park Bo Ram, here are the lyrics translations:

They say I’m pretty these days that I’m like a woman

They ask me, do you even have any flaws?

They say I look good these days, my friends tell me

Is there anyone out there like me?

I walk on this street while humming

I feel good today for some reason

I wanna date someone pretty

A person with a pretty heart rather than a pretty face

I wanna date someone nice

A person with a warm heart rather than a good body

Had a cup of coffee on the weekend, watched a movie I wanted to see

It’s all good but what’s missing?

A person to laugh at my boring stories

Where is that person?

I walk on this street while humming

I feel good today for some reason

I wanna date someone pretty

A person with a pretty heart rather than a pretty face

I wanna date someone nice

A person with a warm heart rather than a good body

He’s not handsome but nice-looking

She has no makeup but she shines

Is he looking at me?

What if she catches me? I pretend not to see

It feels good, should I go to her/him

And carefully start a conversation?

I wanna date someone pretty

A person with a pretty heart rather than a pretty face

I wanna date someone nice

A person with a warm heart rather than a good body

I wanna have a pretty love

A person with a pretty heart rather than a pretty face

I wanna date someone nice

A pretty person, a nice person, I hope it’s you

As you see, the lyrics are about someone who is feeling pretty and wants to date a person with a good and warm heart but he/she secretly wants it to be him/her crush. Jimin’s timestamp is on the last part of the lyrics saying “A pretty person, a nice person, I hope it’s you”. And three days later JK posts a screenshot of a song from Kehlani (an openly pansexual artist) named “You should be here”. Here are the lyrics:

I'm looking right at you, but you're not there

I'm seeing right past you, but you seem well aware

Your body is here but your mind is somewhere else

So far gone and you think I can't tell

Can't tell that you are disconnected

You pulled away and I miss your presence

I always said to you

Baby, you should be here, right here

Baby, you should be here, right here

Don’t know where you went but you're lost now

Don’t know where you went but you're gone now

Don’t know where you went but you're lost now

Don’t know where you went but you're gone now

Head on your chest babe, but your heart is so quiet

We used to talk all night long, now we laying in silence

Your arms around me but your soul is somewhere else

Gone so long and I know you so well

I know that you are everything that I ever dreamed of

And hoped that love had a happy ending

Baby, you should be here, right here (yeah-yeah)

Baby, you should be here, right here (you should be here, right here, right here)

Don't know where you went but you're lost now

Don't know where you went but you're gone now

Don't know where you went but you're lost now (oh-whoa)

Don't know where you went but you're gone now

You should be here, right, right here yeah

The lyrics are talking about someone who the artist cares about and it feels like that person is physically present but his/her mind is somewhere else. He/she wants that person close, not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. A few hours later, JK recommends another song, this time a famous song (any Shrek lover know this by heart) I need some sleep by Eels: Here are the lyrics:

You can't go home like this

I try counting sheep

But there's one I always miss

Everyone says I'm getting down to low

Everyone says you just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep

Time to put the old horse down

I'm in too deep

And the wheels keep spinning round

Everyone says I'm getting down to low

Everyone says you just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

*Fun fact: This song was on Jimin’s playlist in 2017.

This song is about mental and emotional frustration and exhaustion, being deep into something, and seeking redemption. We can’t tell if JK is expressing this about himself or someone else since his timestamp is on the part saying “You can't go home like this”. But the song JK recommended the next day (May 25th) is another story and has a straightforward message. “Can’t help falling in love” is a hit song by Elvis but the track JK post is a cover of this song by Eels:

Wise men say only fools rush in

But I can't help falling in love with you

Shall I stay? Would it be a sin?

If I can't help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows, surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes. Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life, too

For I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes. Some things are meant to be

Take my hand, take my whole life, too

For I can't help falling in love with you

For I can't help falling in love with you

The lyrics don’t need any explanation. His timestamp is on the part saying “If I can't help falling in love with you?” this part comes after the part “Would it be a sin” and makes it more remarkable. It’s obvious that there was something big going on with his emotions at this point and when you put these four songs together (one from Jimin and three from JK) you can see the roller coaster of feelings very clear. But the next day (May 26th) something interesting happened which relays my theory. Namjoon recommended a song named Pray from Younha and this was the thing he wrote in the caption of his tweet: “For all the broken-hearted” Sure this can be to anyone but two weeks later on Jun 10th JK recommended the same song without any caption. Here are the lyrics:  

When you are lost

I will shine a light

When your heart shakes because of the wind

I will hold your hand

I am praying for you

Praying that you will be protected

So that my hopes can reach you

The closed door is slowly opening

I hope you won’t cry over your scars

Or get trapped in despair with pain

With all my heart, I hope you will be comforted

Today, I’m praying again

I am praying for you

Praying that you will be protected

The world has become harsh seas

For you, who has left for the voyage?

I hope you won’t cry over your scars

Or get trapped in despair with pain

With all my heart, I hope you will be comforted

Today, I’m praying again

When Namjoon literally recommended this song two weeks before, why JK had to do this again? Unless he had something to express through lyrics. As you see the lyrics are about pain, despair and getting emotional scars or as Namjoon captioned “something for broken-hearted people”. Two days later JK posted a video of himself walking and singing in the night, the song he was humming was from Yoon Jong Shin and here are the lyrics:

On January 13, which was especially cold, I first met her, who laughed a lot

She said she never spent a birthday with a boyfriend before

She liked shoes and bags and that was so cute

She said I looked sad from behind as she took a picture and smiled

On the sunny first day of April, I made her cry for the first time

After seeing her pretty eyes get puffy, I cried too

Every time we fought, we always used the word “break up”

We wouldn’t talk to each other for days, having a tense battle

Would she know that my heart raced every time I went to pick her up?

I have never met anyone who was better than her in my life

On June 17, she was struggling and broke up with me

In the end, I gave her a scar, although I didn’t mean to

A month passed, a year passed and still, there are times when I miss her

Whenever I pass by that street in Ichon-dong, it’s still clear like it was yesterday

The park at night, the hamburger store, the rice bowl store in the basement

There is so much emotion in this lyrics and you have to be really in love and broken-hearted to hum this song in the dark let alone filming and posting the video. After that JK didn’t recommend any song for two weeks and he came back on June 27th with another straightforward message. A song named Love Me Again by G.Soul and here are the lyrics translation:

It’s already been a few years

And we’re standing in front of each other like this

As if nothing happened

Just like the old days

As I look at you

Who is calling me a good friend?

I tried to hold it in

But I need to tell you something

I know I hurt you but

Could u love me again?

Without knowing, I’m in love with you again

So could u love me again?

I didn’t know love back then

Baby love me again

Baby please please please

Need u love me again?

It’s already 3am

We’re both getting a little drunk

As if it’s nothing, you talk about your new boyfriend

As I look at you

Who is calling me a good friend?

I can’t hold it in

And I have to tell you something

I know I hurt you but

Could u love me again?

Without knowing, I’m in love with you again

So could u love me again?

I didn’t know love back then

Baby love me again

Baby please please, please

Need u love me again?

Oh please believe me girl

This time, I’ll really

Love u harder

Oh baby one more time

Love me again

I know I hurt you but

Could u love me again?

Without knowing, I’m in love with you again

So could u love me again?

I didn’t know love back then

Baby love me again

Baby please please, please

Need u love me again?

Oh baby just please please, please

Could u love me again?

Again, love me again, again

Oh girl I need you to

Love me baby

Love me again

He wants that person to give him another chance and love him again. He confesses that he has hurt that person because he didn’t know love back then and doesn’t want to be “the good friend” that person sees him now. He wants that person’s love.  JK didn’t recommend any song after this for another two weeks and came back on July 10th with a song RapmonHyung has recommended to him: Tears by Le So Ra

Me in the mirror inside the cramped dark room…

The dismal face is quite ugly

Foolish like this, I’m left behind

But I still long for you.

Miserably left behind like this,

I just make unwelcome calls

It’s okay if you get mad at me

It’s okay if you make me cry

Just turn all your attention back to me

It’s okay, just say anything

It’s okay if you mock me

I’m like this only with you, oh my own.

Like a speck of dust in this cave-like room

I’m foolish and I’m left alone

I miss you again today before you miss me

I’m miserably left alone like this

And again I call you before you call me

It’s okay if you get mad at me

It’s okay if you make me cry

Just turn all your attention back to me

It’s okay, just say anything

It’s okay if you mock me

I’m like this only with you, oh my own.

In the mirror, I look so ugly

This song is about being left alone and rejected. His loved one is mad at him and doesn’t give the love and the attention he/she used to give before. Four days later he recommended another song named Romance by CHEEZE and here are the lyrics:

With a red balloon full of

Your deep flowery scent

You surround me in your

Lifeless hollow smile

All our warm memories together

Can’t melt my heart

That has been frozen over

By that cold stare of yours

Walking through the night, side by side

The faint silhouette of your back

Still haunt me as my sweetest nightmare

Like the strings of a puppeteer

Losing sleep over the cold half of the bed

As your wandering image gently crushes me down

Walking through the night, side by side

The faint silhouette of your back

Still haunt me as my sweetest nightmare

Like the strings of a puppeteer

Walking through the night, side by side

The faint silhouette of your back

Still haunt me as my sweetest nightmare

Like the strings of a puppeteer

This is another song about someone who used to be warm and loving but now has a cold stare with no emotion. In my theories, this emotional conflict started in May and ended in August. Why August and how it ended? In August 18th Japan fan-meeting Jimin fainted and apparently this had a big impact on Jikook’s relationship. The day after, when Jimin came back on the stage JK did a beautiful interaction with him. Two days later JK did a live stream and sang a song named I will give it all to you. Three days later Namjoon posted screenshot of this song with the caption “Jeon Jungkook OST”. Here are the lyrics:

I have something for you

I have something to say tonight

I will give it all to you

My love that's about to burst

There's nothing I can't do for you

After picking the stars, I'll fill your hands

I have something for you

I have something to give you tonight

There's nothing I can't do for you

After picking the stars, I'll fill your hands

I will give it all to you

My love that is about to explode

The lyrics are talking of a beautiful love about to burst and the lover is ready to sacrifice and do anything for him/her love even if it’s bringing the stars in the sky and hand it to his/her lover. 12 hours later Jimin tweeted something suspicious: “The stars in the sky (musical note emoji) (surprised emoji)”. This tweet has no media and the caption has no hashtag except Jimin. It seems like someone had brought the stars in the sky for Jimin and it has something to do with music either. I wonder who it would be…

Conclusion

I tried so hard to not express my theories and leave the conclusion to you but some facts are undeniable especially when you put them together with the events and moments that happened in that period. I (rightfully) believe that the chronology of the events is extremely important and it can tell you more than just a surface without reading too much of it. If you don’t like theories or you have your own theories just don’t read this part because I don’t want to change anyone’s mind:

We all know about Jimin’s affection for JK in their debut years. I don’t think that was something fake or exaggerated, he really adored JK and wanted his attention (maybe he was aware of their mutual crush, I don’t know) but he could never imagine this turning into something serious. But it did and JK was the one who noticed this first and took action but he got rejected and became broken-hearted. This rejection was the result of fear, fear of an unknown future. Jimin’s love for JK was still strong but he had to reject JK to stop things from getting worse and out of hand. But in JK’s eyes, everything was different. He wanted him back, he was missing Jimin’s affection because he had found out that he is in love, the thing he didn’t know beforehand (I think memory of the rainy day has happened at this era, or maybe I’m wrong) After weeks of emotional conflict, finally they were at the same page and they were ready to make their relationship work. JK assured Jimin about his love and it seemed like a happily ever after but little did they know about their future and fate.

[httpjeon]

ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴇ — ᴋɴᴊ (ᴍ.)

namjoon/reader | angst, fluff, smut | dating service!au

wordcount: 10.3k

contents: date for hire, unsafe sex, sensitivity kink, size kink, dirty talk, fingering, car foreplay, safeword use, jimin cameo, panty kink (?), grinding, orgasm control, orgasm denial, cunnilingus, riding, wet&messy, creampie, light overstimulation

— synopsis: club ardor holds a special raffle for a free night with a man who will supposedly be the boyfriend of your dreams. you definitely don’t expect to win.

blog masterlist — series masterlist

© httpjeon — all rights reserved. reposting/modifying of any medium is not allowed. translations not allowed.

The bar was a quiet and calm atmosphere, a Thursday night meaning it was just mostly people having a drink after work. As you wiped down the counters with the rag, you heard your coworker come from the back room calling your name.

"______, have you gotten a chance to check the raffles today yet?" she asked, grabbing a glass beside you to help clean it before you could.

You smiled in thanks, "No I haven't added them to the list yet but a few did pull a ticket today!"

"That's great," she smiled, giddy, "I think it's so exciting."

"A lot of people do seem interested in the service," you nodded, tossing your rag under the counter into the designated bin.

"I mean, how often is it that you get a free night with a man from Club Ardor?" she giggled, bumping you playfully with her hip, "Did you draw? I did."

"I haven't, no," you shrugged, smiling sheepishly.

"Why not?!" she gasped, grabbing another glass to dry off.

"I don't know..." you confessed, "I guess I'm nervous about if I win."

"Come on, it's basically a once in a lifetime opportunity!" she whined, turning around to grab the bowl and clipboard, "I'm signing you up."

You watched as she fished a paper from the bowl and handed it to you.

91294 was your number. She quickly wrote it down along with your name and contact information.

A worker from Club Ardor had shown up a week ago to explain the process of drawing and how to keep track. It was easy enough and there were already numerous spots filled on the pages.

You slipped your number into your pocket and turned around when a customer arrived at the bar to order a drink.

Somehow, you'd completely forgotten about the drawing.

It was your day off, after an especially rowdy weekend of working the bar, you were exhausted. Lounging on the couch, you munched from a bag of chips while watching TV.

From the coffee table, your phone began to buzz incessantly, making you frown. Turning to glare at the device, you saw an unknown number flashing across your screen indicating a call.

Wiping your fingers off on your sweatpants, you picked up your phone and accepted the call.

"Hello?" you sighed, hoping it wasn't a scammer.

"Hello, may I speak with Ms. ______?" a gentle, feminine voice filter through.

"Speaking," you responded, now curious.

"Ah, hello Ms. ______! My name is Joy, I'm calling on behalf of the raffle for Club Ardor," immediately, you were frozen in place, "I'm happy to congratulate that you've won the deluxe date package free of charge!"

"I...I won the..." you sat up on the couch, mouth open in shock as she laughed.

"Yes, you won," she giggled before you heard papers shuffling around.

"S-So...what happens?" you ask, heart beating loudly in your chest.

"Well, the winner is matched with Namjoon, he's the one we usually recommend for beginners," she explained, "You'll have 24 hours with him before it's over. The scene will be completely up to him—"

"Scene?" you repeated dumbly.

She hummed, "It's a term commonly used in BDSM. It's basically a planned encounter, meaning that everything that happens between you two is...essentially a role play, in this case."

"I...do we have to have sex?" you gasped at the mention of BDSM.

Joy chuckled on the line like she'd heard such a question numerous times, making your cheeks flush, "Absolutely not. You can if that is something you and he decide you want to do. If not, there is no pressure to do anything beyond talking. There is a safeword that the two of you can use if anything happens that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe."

"Okay..." you breathed in relief, "So...So what now?"

"Well, I'm going to ask you to download an app called Club Ardor. It will ask you for a password and it's the same as you raffle number. This will allow Namjoon and you to communicate safely without your numbers being revealed to the other."

"Oh...wow," you were impressed to say the least, "Alright, I'll do that. Thank you."

"If you have any questions of concerns feel free to call back!" she bid you farewell and you hung up.

After the call, you rushed to the App Store to download the app.

Just as you were told, the first screen that popped up was a code box and nothing held. You cursed, realizing you had no clue what the number on your ticket was.

Standing up, you rushed to your bedroom to find your laundry basket. Groaning, you began to dig through to collect all the pairs of your work pants that you had worn that week. You sat on the floor and began to search through the pockets of every pair.

"Ah-ha!" you cried as you pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.

You stumbled with how fast you stood up in an attempt to get back to your phone. You completely ignored the mess left behind by your rummaging and went back to sit on the couch.

Picking up your phone, you typed the number on the paper in and pressed enter. A small loading screen popped up before a profile to fill out filled your screen.

It was simple, asking height, weight, and basic characteristics.

After filling it out, you were brought to a simple blank page akin to that of an empty text message thread.

Unsure of what to do, you sat and clicked around for a minute to see if you were missing anything but nothing new happened so you locked your phone. Placing it to the side, you sighed as the nerves finally began to fade.

"I wonder..." you unlocked your phone and clicked on safari.

You typed in club ardor in the search and got a website of the same name.

"Welcome to Club Ardor, an exclusive dating service dedicated to living out every woman's fantasy," is what it read.

You scrolled past the information about how they were formed and where they were located. There was a box that was used to presumably register online for a date instead of calling to schedule. You also noticed there seemed to be a male-exclusive Club Ardor that operated separately from the one you were on.

Finally, you found what you were looking for: the dates profiles.

"Club Ardor's Dates are hand picked into the most desirable archetypes," you clicked next and were immediately brought to the profile of 'Namjoon — The Boyfriend Type.'

To your dismay, there was no picture of him — only basic information such as his height, weight, and age. You were surprised to notice the winning raffle number was the date of his birthday.

'Namjoon is most suitable for beginners. He offers an authentic Boyfriend Experience unlike any other you will experience.'

Beneath that was a small notice; “Namjoon’s service comes in a Deluxe Package and Standard Package. For 24 and 12 hours of date-time respectively!” 

Before you could click further to see the other men, you phone made an unfamiliar dinging noise before a notification came in indicating a new message on the Club Ardor app.

As you opened the app, your heart began to race. A new text thread became available from Namjoon.

"Hello, nice to meet you!" his message said.

You quickly replied back with a greeting of your own. It was indicated as 'read' immediately before he started typing.

"Our date is scheduled for Saturday afternoon," he said, "I'll let you know the details as soon as I have them. Do you have any questions?"

You read the message a few times, trying to think if you had anything to ask. Your fingers began typing before you realized what you were doing, "You plan the date by yourself?"

"Yes," he replied, "Every experience of my client is unique so no two women have the same date with me 😁! I will ask you questions to make sure that everything is to your liking so I don't plan something you may end up hating lol."

You smiled, instantly charmed by his personality as you replied, "Alright! I look forward to it 😇!"

Saturday was a week away and you had no idea how you were going to live through the anticipation. It'd been so long since you'd been on a date and now you're about to go on one that would supposedly be your dream date with your dream boyfriend.

Tuesday morning rolled around and you woke up to a couple messages from Namjoon.

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟹:𝟷𝟾ᴀᴍ]  ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ɪᴛ's ʟᴀᴛᴇ, ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ ʟɪᴋᴇʟʏ ᴀsʟᴇᴇᴘ ʙᴜᴛ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴏʟʟᴇɢᴇ ᴏʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋ?  ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟹:𝟺𝟿ᴀᴍ]  ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴄᴀsᴜᴀʟ ᴏʀ ᴜᴘsᴄᴀʟᴇ?  ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟽:𝟷𝟻ᴀᴍ]  ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ 😜!

The messages made you smile and you quickly typed up your response before getting out of bed, "I work at a bar and I probably prefer casual...I only won this date, remember? I'm not used to luxury so...and good morning!"

You watched for a second, locking it after a moment when he didn't read it.

"No way, you won?!" your coworker, Yongsun shrieked before covering her mouth when a customer glared her way, "You won the date?"

"Yeah..." you chuckled, sneakily unlocking your phone to show her the Club Ardor app with Namjoon's name on the preview to the text thread.

"Oh my god!" she squealed, grabbing your arm excitedly, "This is crazy! Oh my god, you're going to have to tell me everything."

"Nothing's really happened," you chuckled, "He's just asked a little about me and said he's making the best date he can for me."

"He already sounds like a dream..." she sighed, lashes fluttering.

"Let's get back to work," you chuckled, pocketing your phone.

With your shift over, your feet were killing you and you nearly collapsed before you could get the door closed. Your phone gave a now familiar ding and you pulled it out to see a message from Namjoon.

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟷:𝟻𝟽ᴘᴍ] 

ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ sᴛɪʟʟ ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ?

You texted back letting him know your shift just ended and you were going to be heading home. He read it immediately and began to type.

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟷:𝟻𝟽ᴘᴍ]  ʟᴀᴛᴇ sʜɪғᴛ, ʜᴜʜ...ʙᴇ sᴀғᴇ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ʜᴏᴍᴇ. ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ʜᴏᴍᴇ.

You smiled, enjoying the way your heart fluttered in your chest at his words. He definitely had the 'boyfriend' role down to a science. Packing your things up, you bid goodbye to Yongsun and made the trek back home.

As soon as your door was shut and locked behind you, you pulled out your phone to text Namjoon.

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟷𝟿ᴀᴍ]  ɪ'ᴍ ɢʟᴀᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴏᴛ ʜᴏᴍᴇ sᴀғᴇʟʏ. ɪᴛ's ʟᴀᴛᴇ, ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴘʀᴏʙᴀʙʟʏ ᴛɪʀᴇᴅ. ɢᴇᴛ sᴏᴍᴇ ʀᴇsᴛ.

You bid him goodnight, and held your hand to your chest. He was dreamy. You wondered what he looked like.

His personality only gave you so much and you wished you could put a face to the man who seemed to increasingly make you swoon.

After getting ready for bed, you sat down and combed your freshly washed hair before pulling your phone out of the mess of blankets you'd thrown it into.

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟷ᴀᴍ] 

ᴄᴀɴ ɪ ᴀsᴋ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ?

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟷ᴀᴍ] 

sᴜʀᴇ, ᴅᴀʀʟɪɴɢ.

The pet name immediately had you blushing and you bit back a smile.

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟸ᴀᴍ] 

ᴄᴀɴ ɪ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ʟɪᴋᴇ?

He read the message and you waited to see if there was a response. When he didn't begin typing, you deflated slightly and sighed — taking it as a no.

As you tossed your phone to the side, you stood up to go to the bathroom to brush your teeth. Once finished, you crawled back into bed and picked up your phone.

You paused when you saw three minutes ago Namjoon had sent you a picture.

When you opened it, you felt like all the air had been punched out of your lungs.

He had blonde hair that was pushed back off of his forehead and thick, pretty lips. You could see the faintest hint of dimples on the flawless skin of his cheeks.

He was probably the most good looking mad you'd laid your eyes on.

As you stared at his picture, another text from him came in.

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟽ᴀᴍ] 

ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴍᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ɴᴇʀᴠᴏᴜs ɴᴏᴛ ᴀɴsᴡᴇʀɪɴɢ, sᴡᴇᴇᴛʜᴇᴀʀᴛ.

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟽ᴀᴍ]

sᴏʀʀʏ...ɪ ᴡᴀs ᴊᴜsᴛ sᴜʀᴘʀɪsᴇᴅ. ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ...ᴠᴇʀʏ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ.

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟾ᴀᴍ] 

ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ, ɪ'ᴅ ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ'ᴅ sʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴛʏ ғᴀᴄᴇ.

You frowned, feeling self-conscious as you had to follow up a picture of your own face after seeing his incredibly attractive self.

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟿ᴀᴍ] 

ɪ'ʟʟ sᴇɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴏɴᴇ ᴛᴏᴍᴏʀʀᴏᴡ.��

ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷:𝟶𝟿ᴀᴍ]  ᴋᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢ ᴍᴇ ᴏɴ ᴇᴅɢᴇ. ɪ sᴇᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ɢᴀᴍᴇ, ᴅᴀʀʟɪɴɢ. ɪ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ғᴏʀᴡᴀʀᴅ ᴛᴏ ɪᴛ.

The teasing tone and pet name had you flushing, unable to respond as you locked your phone and plugged it in for the night.

When you woke up, you had a text from Namjoon greeting you good morning once more. It brought a smile to your face and you texted him good morning back before once again leaving to get ready.

As soon as you got to work, you showed Yongsun the picture of Namjoon. You were sure she nearly had a stroke as she covered her mouth to scream gleefully before gushing about how good looking he was.

"Man, Club Ardor really...really did choose well, huh?" she hummed, zooming in on his face, "Look at his lips, man, if you don't get at least one kiss from him I will make your life hell."

"You trying to live vicariously through me?" you giggled at her dramatic nature.

"I can't any other way! I'm too poor to snag a date with one of them," she pouted, putting her work apron on with a sigh, "It must be nice to be rich."

"He keeps calling me pet names, it's honestly..." you quickly tied your hair up as you spoke, "He really feels like a boyfriend, it's crazy."

"Club Ardor lives up to its reputation," Yongsun nodded, "I thought it was only a 24-hour thing, how come you've got him for a week in advance?"

You shrugged, putting your phone on silent before pocketing it, "When I won, the lady said it was a special deluxe package. I didn't think to ask. Maybe I'll ask Namjoon later."

"I wonder how many women end up falling for them by accident," she mumbled, opening the staff door leading to the bar for you, "They must have broken numerous hearts if everyone is as authentic as Namjoon seems..."

"I guess that's the price you pay for a fake date with the man of your dreams," you replied, sighing, "They ruin you for anyone else."

Getting home, you noticed you didn't have any messages at all from Namjoon. It was odd but you didn't think anything of it. Heading to the bathroom, you touched up your makeup and fixed your hair before taking several selfies until you found a suitable one.

Taking a deep breath, you quickly sent it to Namjoon with an attaching message reading "as promised!"

When you didn't receive a reply, you decided to just head to bed.

Waking up that morning, you quickly realized it was going to be a shitty day. Your alarm on your phone failed to go off properly — you must have forgotten to turn it on the night before. It led you into getting ready as quickly as you could to get to work on time.

You arrived at the last minute, Yongsun having arrived earlier than you so you didn't have a chance to talk to her.

When your lunch break rolled around, you had the first moment to check your phone. Opening the text thread with Namjoon, you noticed he had seen your picture shortly after you sent it the night before but hadn't responded.

It made you feel bad, your already low mood easily receiving another hit from the bad day.

Putting it on silent once more, you put it in your pocket and returned to work.

By the time you got home, you were beyond drained. Your mood was in the toilet, your feet hurt, and you had barely gotten any tips.

You took a shower, hoping to relax the tense, sore muscles in your back. The hot water and soothing atmosphere helped to clear your mind.

By the time you got out, you were feeling a little better and decided to curl up on the couch for the night in comfortable pajamas and fuzzy socks. Covering yourself with your favorite throw blanket, you turned the TV on and let yourself settle down.

Before long, you were dozing off. You had gotten several episodes into a drama and decided to call it quits once the current turned off. In an effort to keep yourself awake, you sat up and grabbed your phone off of the coffee table.

When you unlocked it, you were surprised to see several text messages from Namjoon.

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟷𝟾ᴀᴍ] 

ʜᴇʏ sᴡᴇᴇᴛʜᴇᴀʀᴛ, sᴏʀʀʏ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴍʏ ᴀʙsᴇɴᴄᴇ. ʜᴏᴡ ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? 

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟸𝟸ᴀᴍ] 

ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴜᴘsᴇᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍᴇ, ɪ ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ᴍᴇᴀɴ ᴛᴏ ɢʜᴏsᴛ ʏᴏᴜ. 

ғʀᴏ���: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟸𝟾ᴀᴍ]  ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴏᴛ ʜᴏᴍᴇ sᴀғᴇʟʏ.

You couldn't help but smile as you unlocked the phone and typed out your reply.

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟸ᴀᴍ] 

ɪᴛ's ᴏᴋᴀʏ. ɪ'ᴍ ʜᴏᴍᴇ. 

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟸ᴀᴍ]  ɪs sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡʀᴏɴɢ?

You were surprised both by his quick response and ability to tell that something was wrong.

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟹ᴀᴍ] 

ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴀ ʙᴀᴅ ᴅᴀʏ. ɪs ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴏᴋᴀʏ ғᴏʀ ʏᴏᴜ? 

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟺ᴀᴍ] 

ʏᴇᴀʜ, ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪs ғɪɴᴇ. ɪ ᴊᴜsᴛ ɢᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ʙᴜsʏ sᴜᴅᴅᴇɴʟʏ! 

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟺ᴀᴍ]  ᴏʜ? ᴡᴀs ɪᴛ ᴀɴᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴄʟɪᴇɴᴛ?

You were quite curious about the aspect of his job. It was such an unknown world to you that it actually made you want to know more about what happens behind the scenes.

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟻ᴀᴍ] 

ᴀᴄᴛᴜᴀʟʟʏ, ɴᴏ. ɪ ʜᴀᴅ ᴀ ʙɪɢ ᴇxᴀᴍ ғᴏʀ ᴍʏ ᴄʟᴀss. ɪᴛ ᴇɴᴅᴇᴅ ᴜᴘ ᴛᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴜᴘ ᴀʟʟ ᴍʏ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀᴛᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ. 

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟻ᴀᴍ] 

ᴄʟᴀss? ᴀʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀ ᴄᴏʟʟᴇɢᴇ sᴛᴜᴅᴇɴᴛ?! 

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟸:𝟹𝟻ᴀᴍ]  ʏᴇᴀʜ! ɪ'ᴍ ᴀ ʙɪᴏʟᴏɢʏ ᴍᴀᴊᴏʀ ᴀᴛ sɴᴜ.

You were stunned. SNU was a tough university to get into, and the fact Namjoon had — he had to be smart. You were confused why a man like that was a date-for-hire. It felt too invasive to ask so you simply replied with an impressed 'that's amazing'.

He immediately began typing again and you waited just a second until the message popped up.

"I've got to go, something with work came up. I just want to say that I enjoyed your picture, you're absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to see your beauty in person. Sleep nice, sweetheart."

For the first time that day, you felt happy.

Friday morning, you were a mess of nerves. You still had work and you were thankful that it would be able to take your mind off of it.

As you worked, you felt your phone buzz and you heart raced in response. You hoped it was Namjoon.

It wasn't until you lunch break that you were able to open it.

He had asked how you were feeling which you replied with an honest 'nervous'.

Before your break ended, you got a sweet 'don't be nervous, baby. It'll be fun, I promise!'

Once you were home, you found yourself opening the text thread with Namjoon to greet him. He didn't respond quickly so you jumped in the shower to wash off the filth that had started to cling to you. You'd gotten off earlier than usual but there had still been the loud, smoking, drunk patrons that frequented on weekends. The smell of cigarettes stunk up your hair so you eagerly washed it, enjoying the scent of your lavender shampoo.

You stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around your body as you used another to scrunch your hair dry.

Taking a seat on your bed, you noticed the screen lit up with a notification.

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟶:𝟷𝟻ᴘᴍ] 

ʜᴇʏ ʙᴀʙʏ, ɪ'ᴍ ᴊᴜsᴛ ʟᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴅʀᴇss ᴄᴏᴍғᴏʀᴛᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏᴍᴏʀʀᴏᴡ. ᴡᴇᴀʀ sʜᴏᴇs ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ sᴛᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ɪɴ ғᴏʀ ᴀ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ. 

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟶:𝟷𝟼ᴘᴍ] 

ᴀʟʀɪɢʜᴛ! ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴀ sᴋɪʀᴛ ʙᴇ ᴏᴋᴀʏ? 

ғʀᴏᴍ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟶:𝟷𝟼ᴘᴍ] 

ᴛʜᴀᴛ sʜᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴇ ғɪɴᴇ, ᴅᴀʀʟɪɴɢ. ɪ ʟᴏᴏᴋ ғᴏʀᴡᴀʀᴅ ᴛᴏ sᴇᴇɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ! 

ᴛᴏ: ɴᴀᴍᴊᴏᴏɴ [𝟷𝟶:𝟷𝟽ᴘᴍ] 

ɪ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴀɪᴛ!

You locked your phone and put it on to charge for the night after bidding him goodnight. Sighing, you stood up and made your way to the closet. Luckily you had an outfit idea in mind and you stood up to fish it out.

Feeling giddy, you hung it up on the hook on the back of your door and picked out a pair of flats. You'd had them for a year, they were still in excellent shape but they'd been worn enough to be more than comfortable.

Then you finally laid down in bed, curling up with your blankets around you.

You woke up at 11 — your alarm pulling you from a deep sleep. Sitting up, you stretched and let out a groan as you joints popped. You tossed your feet onto the floor and stood up, making your way to the bathroom.

When you came out, you spotted the outfit today's date on the door of your closet and smiled. Your heart fluttered in your chest and you eagerly picked up your phone, unlocking it when you saw a message from Namjoon.

Your fingers trembled as you read that it was a simple address.

"Meet me here at 12:30...we're having lunch!"

You decided to get dressed and use the hour you had to do your hair and makeup. When you were ready, you let out a slow exhale to steady your nerves as you slid your shoes on and headed out.

It was wonderful weather and the light breeze felt nice on your bare legs. The skirt made you feel cute and encouraged you to hold your head high.

The address led you to a small, family owned restaurant. You opened the door, taking a look around. It had a rustic vibe and there were a couple people scattered around. You inhaled, the smell of cooking food making your stomach growl.

Realizing that Namjoon wasn't at any of the tables, you decided to choose a booth that was located in a quiet corner.

A waiter stopped to deliver a menu to you before asking if you wanted a drink. After ordering a coke, he disappeared and you opened the menu.

You checked the time, frowning when you realizing it was 10 past the time he'd told you. The waiter placed your drink down and you thanked him.

"Do you want to order anything?" he asked, holding a small pad and pen.

"Um no...not yet, I'm waiting for someone," you replied sheepishly. He nodded and put the pad away before he disappeared again.

As you resumed looking at the menu, eyeing the burger options, someone dropped down into the booth seat across from you. You jumped, head jerking up to meet the brilliant, dimpled smile of Namjoon.

"Hi," he greeted, his voice smooth and rich. It made your heart flutter and your cheeks burn. He was gorgeous, deep dimples and pretty brown eyes that sparkled. His hair was honey blonde but was hanging in his eyes, giving him a boyish appearance.

"H-Hi..." you breathed, looking away when you couldn't hold his stare any longer.

"Cute..." you heard him chuckle before he leaned back in the booth, "Sorry I'm late...work held me for a bit longer than I anticipated."

"I-It's fine," you mumbled, the two of you being interrupted by the waiter placing another menu down for Namjoon and asking him for his drink order.

"Can I get a coffee black," he asked, smiling before looking down at the menu, "Got any clue what you want?"

"I kind of want a burger..." you mumbled, eyeing the different options.

"You read my mind," he chuckled, sending heat to your cheeks once again, "The burgers here are to die for."

"You come here often?" you asked, raising a brow when he nodded.

"Usually after class, it's on the way to my apartment so..." he shrugged.

"Here you go, sir," the waiter said, placing the cup of steaming coffee down in front of Namjoon, "Do you two know what you want?"

After the two of you ordered, you were left alone. Namjoon looked effortless at ease, a small smirk playing on his lips as he looked at you.

"You look cute," he complimented, smiling gleefully when you became flustered, "Do I make you nervous?"

"N-Not nervous..." you mumbled, biting your lip, "It's just..strange, I guess."

He nodded, leaning forward to rest his chin on his hand thoughtfully, "I get it. There's build up to it and then when it finally happens it sort feels unreal."

"Yeah," you chuckled, lifting your glass to your lips to take a sip from the straw, "I was meaning to ask you...er," you paused before you voiced the question, "Are you okay with...talking about your...job?"

He chuckled, "Ask away."

"How come you're going to a school like SNU...but working this job?" you asked, "I mean there's nothing wrong with a date-for-hire job but like..."

"I get it," he nodded, sitting back to sip his coffee, "To be honest, I just needed a way to pay my way through. I didn't exactly...expect to pass the entrance exam, it was just a spur of the moment decision, and then when I did...I realized I had absolutely no way to pay for it," he sighed, a smile playing on his lips, "So I was looking around and...the opportunity to work for Club Ardor came up so I took it."

"That's interesting..." you hummed, stirring your drink with the straw, "You've got to be pretty smart to pass the exam without even expecting to."

He chuckled, dropping his head. You could see his ears turn pink and you realized he was shy, "I just...do my best," he cleared his throat and looked back up at you, "So you work at a bar?"

"Unfortunately," you huffed.

"You don't like it?" he asked.

"Not really," was your reply, making him frown, "Kills my feet and it's usually shit pay and tips. I'd quit and get a new job if I could but I can't risk losing my apartment and stuff..."

"I understand," he said and looked like he was going to say something else but the waiter interrupted with the plates of food.

The two of you fell into a surprisingly comfortable silence as you began eating. You hummed at the delicious taste, making Namjoon smile.

"Good right?" he chuckled when you nodded enthusiastically, taking another bite.

After you both had finished your burgers, he ordered a piece of chocolate mousse cake to share. It was wonderfully easy to fall into Namjoon's rhythm, you realized. He was calm, easy to talk to, and witty — making you laugh by barely doing anything.

You were comfortable with him.

However, there was a heavy feeling deep in the back of your mind as you remembered that this wasn't real. It was his job to make you have fun — he was paid to make you feel nice.

You were surprised to find that the two of you had been there for a while — it was nearing four o'clock. He seemed a bit surprised as well as he checked the watch on his wrist. You couldn't help but notice how expensive it looked.

"I think we should get going, our next destination awaits," he stood up, slapping down a couple bills from his wallet as a tip.

"There's more?" you asked, taking his hand when he offered it to you.

He chuckled, lacing your fingers together as he nodded, "Of course, wouldn't it be disappointing if this is all we did? A whole 24 hours to kill...man, I would not be worth my salt."

"I-I guess..." you chuckled, acutely aware of the way his hand felt in yours, "Where are we going though?"

"Ah...you're not getting information out of me that easily," he teased, opening the door for you to let you out first, "It's a surprise!"

"What if I hate surprised?" you asked, teasingly raising a brow.

"Well..." he stopped in front of a sleek black car and smiled, "I guess you better learn to love them pretty fast."

He didn't let you answer before he was opening the passenger car door and ushering you inside. Once he was sure you were comfortable, he shut the door with a slam and jogged around the front to slide into the driver's seat.

As he began driving, he turned on the radio and let a comfortable silent settle in. You took a moment to take him in; his long, pretty fingers gripping the wheel and the way his jeans hugged his thick thighs. As he stared ahead at the road, you could make out the sharp of his jawline and how his lips glistened in the sunlight after he dug his tongue across them.

He was dreamy to say the least.

"You okay?" he asked, smiling that pretty smile, "Do you want to AC on?"

"No, I'm okay," you replied, looking away at almost being caught.

However, you were quickly forced to look back at him when you felt his hand slide over yours on the middle console until you let him lace your fingers together.

"We're heading out of Seoul," he said, "We should be at our destination by 7."

"Is there something interesting going on out of Seoul?" you asked, making him shake his head.

"Interesting for other people, no. Interesting for us...very much so," he squeezed your hand, bring it up to his lips to press a kiss against the skin.

Your heart hammered loudly in your chest as his lips lingered.

He was good at his job, you'd give him that.

The time passed with the two of you talking; he introduced you to his favorite music and made you laugh as his sang along off-key. He even took a bit to passionately explain a recent portion of his course in college to you — even though you barely understood anything. He looked so cute with bright eyes as he excitedly spewed things off from memory.

It was nice. It was comfortable.

His hand in yours felt nice.

The sun was just beginning to set, casting a vibrant orange glow on the world around you when the two of you suddenly pulled into a side road. The pavement gradually turned to gravel before it was just dirt.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were bringing me out here to murder me," you joked as you watched the heavily lined trees pass.

Namjoon laughed wholeheartedly from beside you, "Oh darn, you caught on."

His sarcasm made you smile, your eyes focused on the road in front of you. After several minutes, the trees finally vanished Namjoon stopped the car.

You stepped out of the car when he opened the door for you, grinning.

Looking around, you realized you were in a huge grass field. There wasn't anything in sight as far as you could see. It was a vibrant green, almost glowing in the orange light.

"What...what's here?" you asked, looking to him as he leaned back against the hood of his car.

"Just wait, baby, come here," you flushed at the pet name and let him pull you into his chest.

His arms wrapped around your waist and you could feel his breath fanning over your ear. He smelled incredible, a musky — almost spicy scent of his cologne making your eyes flutter.

You relaxed, your back to his chest as you both stared out over the seemingly endless field.

As the minutes ticked by, the sun began to sink lower and the light diminished further. You were eager to know what exactly you were waiting for.

Suddenly Namjoon hummed, "There they are..."

Your eyes moved from his face back to the field and you couldn't help but gasp at what you saw.

The field was lighting up with seemingly millions of little lights. You stepped forward, eyes wide as you watched the lights dance around endlessly as the field vibrantly came to life.

"This is..." you gaped for a second before looking back at Namjoon, "Incredible!"

"I heard about this place a couple months ago," he explained, pushing himself off the hood of his car, "A friend of mine took his kids out here and it sounded so magical I wanted to come. I didn't have the opportunity to until now."

"I'm so glad you decided to take me here," you whispered, beginning to make your way into the field.

The grass was thigh-high, clearly unmaintained but you didn't mind. The fireflies surrounded you, landing on your body and flickering their little lights brightly.

"I'm glad I took you here too..." he said, making you jump as he was suddenly behind you.

As you looked up at him, you could see the way the fireflies lights reflected off the deep pools of brown in his eyes. He looked ethereal, smiling down at you as if it were just the two of you in the world.

He turned you around, wrapping his arm around your waist and reaching up to cup your cheek. Your breathing stuttered as he leaned down just slightly — hinting at what he wanted.

"Can I kiss you, ______?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

"Y-Yeah...I'd like that..." you replied.

He smiled just slightly before his lips descended down upon yours. They were soft and as his thumb softly stroked your cheek, you returned the kiss. Your hands found purchase on his chest and you stood on your tip toes to deepen the kiss. He eagerly reciprocated, cupping the back of your head to tangle his fingers in your hair as his lips moved effortlessly against your own.

When you pulled away, you were both panting and he wore a small smirk.

"Ready to head back?" he asked, voice a few octaves deeper.

A shiver went down your spine when you felt his way his hands lingered on your body. You nodded and let him take your hand to lead you back to the car.

The atmosphere between the two of you changed drastically from before. It was tense and heated.

You could feel his gaze shifting to you every few minutes, lingering in a way that had your body heating up. With every second that passed, the more you thought about that kiss.

He was a good kisser. You wondered what else those lips could do. He had pretty hands. You wanted them on your body — wanted to feel his touch on your skin.

It seemed Namjoon shared the same idea as his hand suddenly found purchase on your thigh — bare from the skirt you wore. Goosebumps rose along your skin in response.

His fingers inched towards the sensitive skin of your inner thigh. You let your thighs separate for his wandering touch and you heard him release a breathy exhale.

"Tell me if you want me to touch you," he said, making you lick your lips, "I'll only do it if you say yes."

"Pl-Please touch me, Namjoon," you breathed shamelessly eyes fluttering when his hand forced your legs further apart so he could cup your clothed core.

"The safeword is firefly," he growled, the sound only dampening your panties. Your breathing hastened at the soft, teasing touch of his fingers, "Say it."

"Th-The safeword...is firefly," you breathed, letting your head fall back against the headrest as you arched you hips further into his touch.

"Good girl," he grinned, never taking his eyes off the road.

His fingers were skilled and precise, forcing the damp fabric between your folds to find your clit. You shuddered at the rough friction against your hardening bud, biting your lip to hold back from crying out. He let out a breathy chuckle, clearly enjoying teasing you.

You were getting wetter with every second that passed, making your panties stick to you almost uncomfortably.

"Can you take your panties off for me, babygirl?" he asked, taking his eyes off the road to take a look at you as you reached under your skirt. Hooking your thumbs beneath the band of your panties, you tugged them down. You pulled your knees up to your chest to tug them off of your feet.

Before you could toss them away, Namjoon grabbed them and sat up to shove them into his pocket before his hand found purchase on your thigh again.

"Spread your legs wide, baby," he mumbled, licking his lips as you did as you were told.

With your pussy completely exposed, he could see the way your wetness glistened in the passing light from outside. He let out a breathy groan when his digits found their way between your folds, spreading them apart to make you shiver as the AC breezed over your sensitive slit.

You let your mouth fall open with a small whine when he slid his middle finger into your entrance, the long digit easily finding your sweet spot — which he immediately began to abuse. When you looked over to him, you could see he wore a smirk on his lips and it made your walls flutter around him.

He hummed, pulling the digit out to circle your swollen clit — your own arousal allowing him to make effortlessly quick circles on the bud until you reached down to grab his wrist.

He chuckled, letting you slow him, "Sensitive, baby?"

"Mhm..." you sighed, not releasing your hold on him as he moved to sink two fingers into your cunt, "Feels good..." you whispered.

"Yeah?" he chuckled, licking his lips as he slowly pumped his fingers into your wet pussy, the noises almost obscene in the otherwise quiet car, "So tight, baby."

You didn't offer a response, merely grinding your hips down to get him to touch that spot again. When he did, you jolted and moaned. Namjoon hummed, his cock painfully hard in his jeans. He wanted to relieve the ache but both hands were too occupied.

"Hey baby?" he asked, smiling at your dazed 'hm?', "Can you unbutton my jeans for me?"

As you reached over, fingers ghosting over his hardness through the material of his jeans, he added a third finger. It made you paused, instinctively gripping his cock. He groaned, biting his lip at the feeling until you finally pulled the button out of the loop and pulled the zipper down.

"Fuck, that's better..." he mumbled to himself, angling his fingers in your hole upwards to press that spot again — enjoying the way it made you tremble.

He paused in surprised when your hand dove beneath his jeans to cup his cock through the cotton of his boxers, "You're...big..." The comment had him grinning, ego boosted, "You know how to use it, right?"

"Do you think I don't, babygirl?" he growled, pulling his fingers from your cunt to lightly slap your clit. You jolted and covered your mouth with your hand to quiet the shriek you let out in surprise at the sting.

You hummed, squeezing his cock, "I hope you do but...sometimes guys have big cocks that they just can't use."

You felt a rush of excitement as you saw his tongue poke the inside of his cheek angrily, clearly not happy with your challenge.

"You'll see how well I can use this cock soon, baby," his voice was low and dark, "Until then, sit back and let me play with your little cunt, huh? I don't wanna hear anything but moaning from that pretty mouth, got it?"

You didn't answer, resulting in a sharp slap to your sensitive bud again.

"Answer me," he growled, stroking his fingers over your folds to sooth the sting when you voice your understanding.

It seemed like everything turned into a daze around you. You could only focus on the incredible feeling of his hands touching your cunt. Every time it seemed that you were close to release, he'd back off and ease you away from orgasm.

You were growing frustrated, nearing tears when the car came to a sudden stop. Blinking yourself out of the daze, you looked around to find you had pulled into a small parking garage.

You sat up in the seat, pulling your thighs together and shivered when you felt how wet you were. Namjoon opened your door and helped you out, slamming it before you heard it automatically lock — deafening in the garage. He took your hand and tugged you in the direction of the doors.

There was a red carpet leading up the two darkened glass doors which Namjoon easily opened with a slide of a card in the reader that sat on the wall. When you stepped inside, you were stunned to see that it was a breathtaking, extravagant sitting room.

It was furnished mostly white with a couch and chairs, even a TV and table. There was a door on the other side that also appeared to be locked with a card reader.

"This is restricted to the guys and clients only," he explained, leading you over to an elevator. He pressed the button to call it and the two of you fell silent.

You squeezed your thighs together at the lingering arousal, only increasing when you felt his hand trail beneath the back of your skirt the graze over your folds. The elevator dinged and slid open, the two of you stepping inside. Namjoon pressed a button and the elevator doors closed.

He suddenly turned around, pinning you against the wall of the elevator. The metal railing pressed against your spine but you paid it no mind because his lips were quickly pressed against yours. You sighed into the kiss, gripping his shirt tightly in your hands to pull him closer to you. His body was warm and firm, hands gripping your hips to grind his still hard length against you with a groan.

The elevator dinged with the arrival to the correct floor, his lips lingered on yours for a second before the doors began to open. Before either of you could step off, you were greeted by another man who stood with his hands shoved in his pockets.

"What're you doing, Jimin?" Namjoon asked, sounding surprised as he stepped aside to let the other on.

"I was going to go out but now I'm stuck in an elevator with you for another minute," the new man mumbled, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned back.

You took a moment to look him over, black hair pushed back messily to reveal strong brows and sharp eyes. The man oozed intimidation and you felt your heart speed up. Namjoon seemed unaffected and you assumed it was because he'd been around the stranger, Jimin, a lot.

The elevator dinged once again and opened up. Jimin gave Namjoon a short wave when you both stepped out before he reached over and pressed a button. You caught sight of a smirk on his full lips before the doors closed.

You let out a sigh, letting Namjoon take your hand once again.

"Sorry about that," he chuckled, "We don't usually run into each other like that."

"He's another...date?" you asked as he led you down a hallway. There were several doors that you passed but he was taking you to the very end of the hall it seemed.

"Yeah, that's Jimin," he responded.

"He was...scary," you mumbled, making him laugh.

"A couple of the guys are pretty intimidating," he said, "A lot of girls are into that type though."

"I see..." you said, the run in with another date only seemed to pull you out of the daze you'd gotten into with him. It reminded you that you were only part of his job, and that thought made your chest ache. You felt almost pathetic and you realized how lonely you would feel after you left him.

"Again, sorry," he sighed, seemingly realizing you had been pulled from the scene. He stopped in front of a door at the very end of the hallway, pulling out the card he used for entry and slid it into the door like a hotel keycard. The red light turned green and he pushed the door open.

"It's okay..." you assured, smiling politely when he let you walk in first.

He flicked the light on and you paused to look around. It was a homely, casually decorated room. There was a TV and a couch connected to a kitchen. You could see through a doorway across the room that it was a bedroom. The carpet was soft and warm beneath your feet when you took your shoes off.

"This is our room for the night," he smiled, placing his keys and wallet into a drawer next to the door, which automatically locked with a keycode, "I chose it just for you."

"There are other rooms to choose from?" you asked, wandering further into the living room to take a seat on the couch.

"Yeah, this whole floor is actually mine," he said, kicking his own shoes off, "We all have our own floor. Each room is furnished and styled differently according to client and scene."

"Interesting," you sighed, letting yourself relax on the couch as Namjoon wandered into the kitchen.

You watched him open the fridge and pull out a couple bottles of coke. He placed it down on the coffee table in front of you before he sat down as well.

"Thanks," you smiled as he put his arm around your shoulders and grabbed the remote, turning the TV on.

After a moment of him channel surfing, you realized you needed to pee. Excusing yourself, you followed his directions into the bedroom to the bathroom.

The bedroom was designed just as homely as the living room, with a bed of several fluffy pillows and a bedspread that looked soft. There was a dresser and bedside tables as well. It sort of looked like a bedroom a couple would share.

Shaking that thought from your head, you stepped into the bathroom and closed the door.

Namjoon sat on the couch and sighed when he heard the bathroom door close. He could tell you felt strange about everything now and he cursed Jimin's appearance.

The only way the scenes worked was if he was able to make his client feel like their relationship was real and genuine. Usually he would let his client figure her own way around and he'd move on with his job but for some reason he really wanted to see you lost in everything with him.

You weren't familiar with this life whereas his clientele consisted of women who regularly used dating services. The way everything was so new to you was endearing and he wanted you to have a good time.

He broke out of his thoughts when you sheepishly called his name from the doorway of the bedroom.

"What is it, baby?" he asked, glancing at the way you gripped the edge of your skirt.

"Y-You still have my um..." a smile bloomed across his face as you inched closer to him until you were standing in front of him.

"Your what?" he asked, cocking his head to the side in faux confusion.

"M-My panties," you grumbled, holding your hand out, "Give them back, it feels weird not wearing any."

"I think I prefer you without them," he grinned, sitting forward.

Your breathing stuttered when his hands gripped your thighs, urging you forward until your standing between his spread knees. His fingers found the edge of your blouse, pulling it out of the band of your skirt. Your hands naturally found purchase on his hair as he leaned forward to press a soft kiss against the soft skin of your stomach.

His hair was soft and he sighed when you tugged it as his lips ghosted over a sensitive spot. Pulling back, he reached up to undo the first button of your shirt, pausing to give you a chance to stop him. When you didn't, he continued to undo the buttons until it was hanging open. He licked his lips as he sat back to admire you, your breasts looking wonderful in the pretty bralette he knew you wore just for him. It wasn't lost on him that it matched your panties.

His hands traveled up your body until he cupped your breasts through the bra, making you sigh and arch your back for him. He pushed the bottom up until your breasts came into view and he felt his cock throb in his jeans at the sight of your perked nipples.

Your cheeks burned hot as he shamelessly drank in the sight of your bare breasts. You quickly stripped the article off, leaving you in your skirt alone.

He released a shaky breath and grabbed your hips, urging you forward until you fell into his lap. Cupping the back of your head, he brought you down for a heated kiss. You could feel his length, so hard, beneath you and you reached down to unbutton his jeans once again. This time, however, you pulled his cock free. You could see precum glistening on the tip and as you gave him a quick squeeze, you watched it drip down the head to meet your hand.

He pulled you down so you were suddenly sitting on his cock, the shaft sliding between your wet folds. He groaned, head falling back as you immediately began to grind against him, your clit sliding along the sensitive underside of him.

"You're so wet..." he breathed as he felt you dripping down his cock, "Does it feel good, baby?"

"So good," you whined, gripping his shoulders as you eagerly ground yourself against him, your clit throbbing as you were reminded how you were edged and denied by him earlier.

The high you'd missed out on was rapidly growing again, making you tremble in anticipation. Namjoon sensed your impending orgasm and quickly stopped you, forcing you back onto your knees.

Before you could voice your complaints at being denied again, you were roughly pinned down with Namjoon hovering over you. He leaned down, cupping your cheek as he pulled you in for a kiss.

You gasped into his mouth as you felt his cock at your entrance. You could distantly register the crinkle of a condom wrapper but were too absorbed in the kiss to think about it.

You both froze, eyes locking as he sunk into your tight cunt, your walls squeezing him so perfectly that it made his lashes flutter. Neither of you wanted to wait, you arched your hips, grinding down on him until he pulled back.

When he sunk into you completely and you cried out when he found your sweet spot with practiced ease.

"Holy shit," you whined, clinging to his shirt as he focused on hitting that spot.

"Feel good?" he asked, a cocky smirk on his face when you nodded, "Think I know how to use my cock?"

"Fuck, yes," you panted, losing your grip on him when he suddenly sat back on his knees.

He gripped you beneath your knees and pinned them to your chest. You were left deliciously exposed and the angle allowed him to hit your spot even better. The orgasm you continued to be denied was growing once again.

Sweat caused Namjoon's hair to cling to his forehead and there was a dark glaze in his eyes as he watched the way you hungrily took him in. Your cunt was creaming wet as you gushed on him, painfully close to cumming but unable to without him touching your clit.

He grinned as you whined, dangling so close to the edge, he kept building you up but never let you fall over. The desperate way you ground against him made his cock throb, close to his own orgasm.

It turned him on, having such control over you. Knowing that he was the only one who could make you cum in this moment.

"Please, please make me cum, Joon..." you practically sobbed.

The nickname took him by surprise, throwing him off guard and it pushed him over the edge. You whined when he stilled, feeling the way his cock was throbbing in the throws of his orgasm, the lovely little groan he gave as pleasure coursed through his body.

He pulled out, watching the way you trembled. The denial was painful, leaving you with teary eyes and pouting lips.

Suddenly, he was sinking two fingers into your entrance and there was the hot feeling of his tongue on your clit. Your hands flew down to grip his hair. He pumped his fingers upwards, hitting your spot as he sucked your bud into his mouth.

Your walls fluttered and tightened around him with your high. Your whole body tensed before you were cumming. He groaned, releasing your clit from his lips but flattening his tongue against it as it pulsed in time to your orgasm.

You were crying out, the orgasm that had been denied several times being one of the most powerful you'd ever experienced.

Before long, you were whining in overstimulation until he finally pulled his fingers from your cunt. Giving you a final lick to your clit, enjoying the way it made your body jolt, he pulled away.

He brought his cum soaked fingers to his lips, meeting your gaze as he took them into his mouth. Your squeezed your thighs together at the way he moaned at your taste, swirling his tongue around the digits until he deemed them clean enough.

Then, he leaned down and pressed his lips against yours — letting you barely taste yourself.

The two of you were panting, worn out from the intense session.

"We should get cleaned up," he breathed, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear.

"Yeah," you nodded, letting him pull you up and lead you to the bathroom.

He closed the door and began to strip. The only thing you had to do was push your skirt down until you were completely nude.

"I've...never done that before," he suddenly said as you both stepped beneath the rainhead shower, hot water pouring over you both.

"Done what?" you asked, smoothing your hands over you skin to quell the goosebumps.

"Used my...mouth," he mumbled before quickly shaking his head, "I-I mean I've eaten girls out before, I've had girlfriends obviously but...I've never done it with a client."

"Oh..." you hummed, meeting his gaze. He seemed almost nervous, "Th-Thanks...for doing it with me, I guess?"

He chuckled, nervously reaching up to comb his now wet hair back, "Don't take this the wrong way but...I really don't know why I did it. I just...had this overwhelming need to taste you..."

The confession send a shiver down your spine and you bit your lip, "And...was it up to your standards."

He grinned, stepping forward until he was towering over you, "Exceeded them."

He leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, sighing into the kiss. Wrapping his arm around your waist, he pulled you closer to him.

"I want to do it again," he mumbled, reaching behind him to shut the water off.

"Wh—!" you were cut off by him suddenly picking you up. Clinging to him, you were paranoid he would drop you but before you could enjoy being in his arms, he was tossing you onto the bed.

Neither of you cared you were soaking wet from the shower, he spread your legs and dropped to his knees at the edge of the bed. He was perfect height to slide his tongue through your folds, making you sigh. You were still sensitive and eagerly spread your legs for more.

He was good with his tongue, letting his tongue find its way into your entrance — hot and wet. Mouthing at your clit, he swirled his tongue around the bud, enjoying the way you whined at the stimulation. Reaching down, you ran your fingers through his wet hair and tugged.

Namjoon was in heaven, the taste of you sweet juices on his tongue going straight to his cock. It was maddening how you had such a strong effect on him.

Wrapping his arms around your thighs, he slid his tongue between your folds with a moan. He took your clit into his mouth, the tip of his tongue flicking lightly to make your thighs jump.

"I'm gonna cum..." you whined, arching your back as you abandoned your hold on his hair in favor of the sheets.

"Cum," he urged, never stopping his tongue on your clit, even as you arched and let out a low moan. You trembled in his hold and gasped, clamping your thighs around his head to stop him when it quickly turned into overstimulation.

He stood up, eagerly crawling onto the bed, meeting your lips for yet another feverish kiss. Reaching down, you wrapped your hand around his hardened shaft, pumping it a few times until he moaned and pulled away.

"Ride me?" he breathed, making your heart skip a beat.

You nodded, the two of you moving effortlessly together until you were positioned above his cock.

"C-Condom?" you asked, remembering how he had gotten one earlier.

"Fuck..." he dropped his head back, eyes following your wetness as it dripped onto the head of his cock, "I...You can say no but...I don't fucking want one."

"Me either," you confessed, prodding the very tip of him at your entrance.

"I trust you're clean?" he asked, watching you nod though he was fully aware that you could be lying, "Fuck, take me in, baby."

You did so without hesitation, the two of you groaning as you sunk down on him — walls stretching to accommodate his thick length. You rolled your hips against him, grinding your sensitive clit against his pelvic bone. Sighing in pleasure, you pulled yourself almost completely off before dropping back down.

Namjoon /whimpered/, gripping your hips as you eagerly began to ride him. You reached up, pinching your own nipples as you effortlessly moved. Your walls spasmed and clenched around him, the feeling of him stuffing you full intoxicating.

"Th-This is so fucking reckless," he choked out, knocking your hand away to cup one of your breasts, "I never...do it bare but fuck...I've never wanted it more."

"Y-You feel so good..." you whined, resting your hands against his chest for more leverage.

"That's it, good girl," he praised, pinching your nipple to make you cry out.

You could feel him throb inside you, obviously close. Your wetness coated his cock, dripping down his shaft to his balls. The fact you got so wet for him only turned him on more. He tightened his grip on you, urging you to quicken your pace.

You were more then happy to oblige, leaning down to pull him into yet another kiss as you rode him. Your thighs were burning, sore, but there was nothing in the world that could stop you in that moment.

"Gotta feel you cum around me," he panted, urging you to sit back up. You leaned back, putting your weight on his thighs.

"Please," you begged, biting your lip.

He watched the way your breasts bounced in time to your movements. He brought his thumb to his mouth, wetting the pad of it with a quick lick before pressing it against your little clit. Your eyes rolled back and he could feel you clench tighter around him, your mouth falling open in a silent moan.

"Cum on my cock, babygirl," he ground out, clenching his teeth to hold back his own orgasm, "Come on, do it for me, baby."

With a final, exuberant cry, you were cumming. Your walls spasmed and you trembled above him, nails digging into his thighs. He didn't mind, the sting only adding to the pleasure.

"Fuck, where can I cum?" he asked, voice tight was he forced himself to stop from blowing his load inside you.

"Inside, please, cum inside," you begged, resuming rolling your hips against him even though you were painfully sensitive from your own orgasm.

Namjoon let out a loud groan, "Fuck," as he came. His grip on your hips tightened as you felt the hot rush of his cum filling you up. It dripped from inside you, running down his shaft and making a mess but neither of you minded.

His hissed, "Stop, stop," until you stopped moving.

The two of you sat for several long minutes until you finally pulled off of him. His cum gushed out further but you only laid beside him, uncaring. He wrapped you up in his arms, and kissed the top of your head.

"I can't believe I did that..." he said, an almost gleeful chuckle escaping his lips.

"Y-You don't ever do it bare with...clients?" the word rolled awkwardly off your tongue.

He nodded, "It's not technically against policy but...it's urged. Some of the other guys order STD tests before a meeting so they can go bare but...I don't usually."

"Then why with me?" you asked, looking up at him through your lashes.

He was quiet for a moment, eyes analyzing your face, "I don't know. I think I'm addicted to you."

You were surprised by his words, eyes widening. He gave you a small smile and urged you to lay your head back down.

With his heartbeat pounding against his chest, you couldn't help but wonder what would happen when the 24 hours were up.

[dabisburntsack]

False Alarm

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing(s): Shigaraki Tomura x GN!Reader

Genre: Fluff !

Synopsis: When your long time gaming partner brings up the topic of May Day you can’t help but romanticise the olden holiday with your ever growing crush on him.

Wordcount: 1784

This is apart of a sfw flower collab done with the bnharem discord server! I loved the prompt for this collab and can’t wait to see how everyones fics turned out!! Special thanks to @pluviophile-imagines for helping my ass through this as I had a mental breakdown٩( ᐛ )و

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

⇾  signifies texting

May Day was a traditional holiday, one you wouldn’t have really heard of had your long time online gaming partner not brought it up in discussion as you fought against him to bring down the zombies on your screen.

“Yeah you pretty much leave a basket full of flowers with different meanings to them hanging on a loved ones door”

“I would have never pegged you for the romantic type” You replied amused.

“I’m- well, I’m... I would never do it-”

“You wouldn’t?”

“Pffft no, of course not”

“Shame, I think it's really romantic!”

The line went quiet, the only audible sound being the cock of guns and explosions going off in the game. You readjusted your mic wondering if he’d cut off when his voice came again; though quieter than the usual responses you would get.

“You think?”

“Yeah! Come onnn, tell me that isn’t the cutest thing ever”

The line paused again for the briefest moment, but when he finally continued speaking the conversation switched back to gameplay as if the short discussion about May Day had never occured. You shrugged and went back to chatting aimlessly about zombies yourself, though a small part of you may have wanted to carry on with the romance talk.

You had known the player ‘Decay_God’ for going on 3 years now and were as close as online friends could be. From what you’d gathered over the years, Tenko worked at a bar and had a shit ton of roommates. Though he constantly went on about how annoying they were, you could tell he cared deeply for them. He was passionate about what he did, whether it be his job (you didn’t know what exactly it was, just that his mood in your games would be whether or not he had received good news from his end) or his game play.

In the beginning, you didn’t really like him or his attitude; both being highly ranked in the gaming community you would constantly butt heads and his childish behaviour of when you would steal a victory off him annoyed you to no end. But as it went on, his temper tantrums died down and once you got to know him, you found his quips and wit to be quite entertaining. Now two years later, you would look forward to getting home from a stressful day at work to endlessly chatter about whatever topic was of the day.

You couldn’t lie, you had garnered a bit of a crush on him.

You didn’t even know what this man looked like. He could be a catfish! An old perverted dude! Hell he could even be a criminal and you’d be none the wiser! Although, if you were being honest with yourself… you couldn’t help but make the obvious connection to a certain infamous villain. One that happened to have pale blue hair and a decaying quirk. Even in personality they seemed interchangeable, from what you had seen on the news he was also akin to throwing childish temper tantrums and scratching at his neck when frustrated (a habit you regularly scolded Tenko for when you heard the telltale sound nails scraping along side the column of his neck.)

Whenever you did think about it though you stopped yourself, come on as if you would be gaming with Shig- no, you weren’t even going to say his name. So they had a few similarities, this was a whole villain compared to your sweet gaming partner. Dumb conspiracy theories aside, you couldn’t help the small flutter of your heart when he would say your name in a teasing manner or when he praised you for a particularly hard kill.

As you logged off for the night you laid your head against the wall your bed was propped next to and stared at the blank ceiling, your mind drifting back to the May Day conversation. A blushing Tenko came to your mind, his face obscured by a large hood, nervously rubbing at the back of his head before handing you a large bouquet of flowers. Your cheeks flushed and you slapped at them to stop yourself from heating up, vanishing the mental image mid thought.

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t as much of a small crush as you wanted it to be.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

After having a three day break, getting ready for work so early in the morning proved more effort than it should have been. Still trying to blink the sleep out of your eyes, you dragged your dazed body to your front door. You checked yourself for your belongings as you unlocked it, but as you took your first step out your foot landed in...ash?

You lifted your shoe to inspect the little decaying bits stuck to it, looking down you realised there was a pile of decayed dust on your doorstep.

You paled.

Instantly you were on high alert, tearing your foot from the contaminated shoe and snapping a picture of the evidence. You placed the shoe in a bag for further examination and bolted your door before texting your boss, the number four hero: Edgeshot.

Having the job of a personal assistant to such a high ranked hero meant you were used to lives being threatened. So far it had never happened to you and although this was small you could never be too sure. With the inside information you had, Edgeshot had always told you to be aware that someone may pull something sooner or later. It wasn’t completely out of the blue.

After seeing your message to your boss had been delivered, you reached out for the metal baseball bat you kept in the storage cupboard under the stairs, your quirk not really suited for defence purposes as it was made for technological aspects.

Checking every nook and cranny of your small apartment you didn’t see anything out of the ordinary and flopped back onto the sofa. Sighing, you ran a hand through your hair before going through your phone, checking the news, any odd sightings, anything you should possibly be alert for.

However crime rates seemed to be low and the only recent stories were from three days ago. Still not having received a text back from Edgeshot, you automatically switched to your messages with Tenko to type out the events of your morning.

I think I just got threatened lol

Instant response.

WHAT?!

If you don’t hear from me in 24 hours call the police :DD

Y/N

Ok okaY, damn you’re such a buzzkill

There was a pile of ash on my doorstep this morning, with my work you know I can never be too careful 

I’m fine though, I already told my boss

You waited as three dots appeared signifying he was typing but after a while they stopped. You furrowed your brows as they started up and stopped multiple times. After a full five minutes (during which time you grew bored and changed apps) a ping popped up.

With how long he had taken to type you were expecting a lengthy paragraph, what you weren’t expecting was a simple:

Oh

Oh? That’s all?

Yeah

You placed down your phone before another ping sounded out.

Are you sure they weren’t flowers

How the hell did you come to that conclusion

The typing ceased once more and you were left to your thoughts. What the hell did he mean by that? How did he come up with flowers out of all things like-

May Day?

You leapt from your seat, stumbling to look at the calendar attached to your kitchen wall, scanning the dates crossed off before turning the page and realising it was indeed the first of May. It surely couldn’t be a coincidence Tenko had brought up the holiday just yesterday. So he’d brought you flowers, because you said it was romantic… and he’d… dusted them. Dusted them, with his quirk, because he was…

Tenko could not be Shigaraki Tomura.

You did not have a crush on Shigaraki fucking Tomura.

Luckily at that moment the chime of your phone's ringtone going off distracted you. Looking at the caller ID you breathed a sigh of relief to see that it was Edgeshot. You could finally get to the bottom of this instead of drawing up ridiculous conclusions.

Edgeshot’s calm voice came through the other end of the line, stern but familiar. It seemed you’d been right to take the situation seriously, or so he assured you. But even as he talked to you, asking if you’d seen anything or if there was any other evidence of someone watching you, you couldn’t shake the feeling that it hadn’t meant anything at all.

Of course, if your gut instinct was right and you’d been gaming (and falling for) Shigaraki Tomura for three whole years and he’d been trying to romance you then that was. Definitely something. You just weren’t entirely sure what that something was.

You’d been talking to Edgeshot for nearly two hours when a knock sounded on your front door. Had he come by? What was the point of ringing, then? And wouldn’t he have told you?

You made your way over to the door and opened it expecting the sight of your boss, but instead you were met with a large bouquet of flowers perched on your doorstep. You looked up just in time to see a mess of unruly blue hair tucked into a black hoodie turning rapidly round the corner.

“False alarm,” you said quickly, ending the call on pure impulse and making a dash after the stranger.

You weren’t entirely sure what the plan was. It seemed more and more likely that you were right with each new development. What were you going to do if your gamer buddy really was an S-rank villain? Would you still be interested? Would he? He’d gone through the trouble of  getting you flowers not just once but twice, and honestly… the idea that he’d been so nervous the first time was kind of endearing.

That was a cute image, him standing at your door, so worried that he didn’t even notice he’d dusted the flowers in his hand as he set them down, probably running away quickly so you wouldn’t see him.

You reached out to grab the sleeve of your fleeing visitor and as they whirled round your suspicion after all this time was proven correct. You were speaking the moment his eyes met yours, all hesitation suddenly gone.

“You can’t just leave me flowers and run off like that, what if I thought it was another threat?”

Shigaraki’s scarlet eyes widened as they met your own.

“Hey Tenko” you grinned.

[readyplayerhobi]

Flower | 24

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff

; Word Count: 3k

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: This is a shorter one but I swear, you’ll love the next chapter. It’s a certain birthday boy’s night out :P so I hope you enjoy this lead up either way!

; Flower Masterpost

-

“Urgh,” You groan loudly, running your hand over your face as you stare at the display of unusual technology. “Why are men always so hard to buy for?” 

“I’d take offence to that but honestly, you’re right.” Jungkook says, humour in his voice as he plays with a little helicopter that actually flies. You’re in one of those stores full of random things that seem to particularly appeal to guys with odd and bizarre technology things and joke stuff. You like it too but these places always seem to attract guys in particular, which is why you’re currently here with Chungha, Soyeon and Jungkook trying to find something for Hoseok’s birthday.

Buying presents for anyone is always a stress for you as you hate the idea that you’ll end up buying something they hate. Half the time, you explicitly ask them to give you a list and just pick off it because quite frankly, you’re not very creative when it comes to presents.

But this time you’d decided to try properly. It was the first birthday either of you had had since beginning your relationship and you wanted to try. So you’d spent time making sure to listen to his conversations, whether they were with you or his parents or his friends, to find things that he wanted.

It didn’t help that his birthday was only a month and a half after Christmas too. One of the reasons you’d held back on his Christmas presents was because his birthday was so darn close afterwards. You’d finally managed to get a new job in January after many, many months of failed interviews, with a salary that wasn’t pitiful and with work that didn’t make you want to face plant the desk, so you had a bit more money to spend on him.

Twenty-nine wasn’t a big birthday or anything, that would be next year obviously, but you still wanted to make it fun for him. So you were determined to buy interesting presents that weren’t boring and useless. 

“I don’t know about Hoseok but I think I want this lamp.” Soyeon says, picking up and turning around a lamp that reminded you of one of those wire games where you had to avoid touching the wire. It was fluorescent pink right now but faded into yellow soon enough and in the shape of a heart. Perfect for Soyeon.

“Go for it. It’d look good in your room I bet.” You murmur, eyeing the stand of various lights and alarm clocks closely. Maybe Hoseok might like some fancy alarm clock given he was always getting up earlier than you? Though that would mean you’d have to put up with it too and you pulled a face at that thought, moving away to the range of mugs.

He got up way earlier than you for work and you could be a bit moody in the morning. The last thing you needed was to buy him something that would inevitably cause you to snap at him in the early hours. You were pretty sure he’d managed to train himself to wake up as quickly as possible to avoid your grumpiness.

Chungha follows you, picking up a heat activated mug with lightsabers on it and humming in curiosity. You look it over too for a moment and consider before instead grasping a box with a Zelda logo on it, licking your lips before nodding to yourself. 

Hoseok loved Zelda and you’d half contemplated buying him a Switch so he could play the one that came out a few years ago along with the other games that had come out recently. It was way out of your budget though so this would just have to do for the moment. He could take it to work for his coffees and stuff.

“Have you noticed that Soyeon and Jungkook seem to be really hitting it off?” Chungha whispers to you quietly, the both of you glancing over to where they’re both now stood playing around with sword umbrellas. You didn’t know Jungkook too well or anything, well enough to invite him to come help you pick things for Hoseok but you weren’t close.

He was one of Hoseok’s sweeter friends though and shared a lot of interests with you, including being quiet and introverted. Given how beautiful Soyeon was, and her own personality that made her kind, caring and loyal, you weren’t surprised that Jungkook had been instantly caught by her.

And you were kind of glad really. You knew he was a good guy from what Hoseok had told you and Soyeon deserved someone good. Plus, you would openly admit that Jungkook was handsome with the kind of body that game with his sports related degree while still maintaining such an adorable face.

Soyeon’s weakness really.

“Yeah. Don’t say anything though, it’s cute. Let them work things out themselves.” Laughing, you move over to the cashier and give her the mug with a bright smile before also grabbing a LEGO Darth Vader keyring from the range on the counter. This would make him laugh tonight.

“Don’t you feel a little jealous though? I mean, look at them. They look so perfect together.” Chungha sighs, leaning against the counter as you pay and accept the bag from the girl. Narrowing your eyes at your best friend, you lead her out of the store and watch as your remaining friends trail you out, laughing away at whatever conversation they were having.

“Excuse me. Are you saying that Hoseok and I don’t look perfect together? Or you and Dahyun? All lies.” There’s a slight petulant tone to your voice and Chungha immediately backtracks, spluttering almost in her attempts to smoothe over any issues she may have just caused until you laugh at her, pushing her gently.

“I’m joking. You’re right. They do look good. Hey, if they start dating then it’s officially bringing you guys and Hoseok’s friendship circles together!” You pause suddenly, cringing as a thought enters your head. “Though if anything happened with Hoseok and me then that would be very awkward. And heart breaking.”

“Hey, hey. None of that! I don’t want to hear any talk of breaking up or the potential for it when we’re out shopping for your boyfriend’s birthday presents! I’m telling you now, if you two ever break up then romance is dead.” Looking at her, you raise your brow in amusement at the completely serious look on her face.

“Okay. Calm down Nicholas Sparks. We’re fine.” That gets a snort from her as you lead her into a store that sells all kinds of musical instruments and electronic stuff. From your extensive research into trying to find Hoseok the perfect gift, you knew that you should be able to find what you wanted in here.

“Have you even read a Nicholas Sparks book? Or seen one of the films?” She asks incredulously, running her fingers along the strings of a guitar as you both pass by. Shrugging, you stop in front of the vinyl players and eye them with a tongue in your cheek.

“No? I mean, I watched five minutes of The Notebook but it was really boring so I turned it off. Aren’t all his stories meant to be like...depressing and shit?” Leaning forward, you read the little information card on one of the vinyl players and hum to yourself.

Hoseok had been discussing how he wanted to get into collecting vinyl records lately and to do that, he’d need a vinyl player. You’d already discussed it with his parents to make sure they didn’t accidentally get him one as he’d been talking about it to his dad and you’d tried to make sure that you would get a good one for him.

Even if you had zero idea of what constituted a good vinyl player to be honest.

“I mean...yeah, they are pretty depressing. But still. You should watch one, or read it. They’re tragically romantic.” Pausing, you look at her with a carefully blank stare before snorting.

“I don’t like romance films, Chungha you know that. I’m certainly not going to watch one that you’ve described as tragic. How is that even romantic? It’s just fucking sad.” You think you’ll go with the Sony vinyl player that you’d researched. He doesn’t need anything super fancy for a first one and it has Bluetooth, so should be good enough for him?

They’re certainly not cheap and you’re very happy that you’d saved so well to be able to afford this. While you weren’t normally sure about presents, you were pretty sure that this one was going to be a big hit with him.

“I’m just going to point out that not all of his films are sad. Well, I mean...they don’t all end sad. But still. Anyway, it’s not important. I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore and holy fuck, this is almost a thousand dollars!” Her surprise is incredibly audible and you shush her repeatedly, looking around to make sure no one is looking.

“I’m not buying that one. I’m buying this one. It’s not that expensive.” You point towards the one you want, crouching down to grab one of the boxed ones before heading over to the cashier once more. This birthday present shopping was going surprisingly easy compared to other times. Maybe it’s because the presents you’d decided for Hoseok were just so damn expensive that he didn’t have many.

“Boy, I hope he gives you some good oral for that.” She mutters and you look at her mortified, eyes before glancing around to check that no one is nearby. Your hands are full so you can’t make a shushing gesture to her but your scowl is more than enough and she cringes slightly, whispering sorry.

Thankfully though, you don’t think anyone overheard her as the cashier just gives you the usual, bland customer service smile that you’re used to. The one which you give back while internally chanting ‘please don’t question what she just said’ but he simply rings you up, putting the box into a large bag for you.

As you walk away once you’ve paid, you hiss at her in embarrassment. “Chungha! We’re in public! Please!”

Laughing at you, she wraps an arm around your shoulder and hugs you to her before letting you go. She’s always been the more open minded out of you all and has never felt the need to censor her thoughts or words. Though she did usually tone it down in public as you always wanted to melt into a puddle of embarrassment.

There was no wonder Hoseok and her got along so well. Both of them just said whatever came to their minds with no filters sometimes and it pained you considering you were a prude in comparison. Well, when it came to sexual things anyway. Anything else just came out of your mouth without a second thought.

“Where have they gone?” You ask suddenly, realising you’re both about to leave the store with only half of your group. Frowning, you look around outside and see that they’re not there so you walk back inside, scanning through until you spot them both sitting at one of the pianos that’s been set up. 

Jungkook is playing and it comes to you that the sweet piano music you’d been hearing for the last ten minutes has actually come from him. His hands, so large compared to Soyeon’s, dance across the keys elegantly and produce the kind of music you could only wish you could do. Chungha pauses next to you to watch the show and you laugh softly, leaning into her as you nod towards Soyeon.

“Oh yeah, they’re definitely gonna get together. She’s got literal heart eyes going on right now.” Chungha snorts in amusement, nodding before walking over to them both and breaking up their little music session. Jungkook appears to be oblivious to your best friend’s sudden infatuation with him and gives Chungha a polite smile as he makes small talk with her but you’re not.

Walking alongside Soyeon, you peer at her for a moment and take in the way her eyes are bright with happiness and the gentle smile on her face. Giggling you push her with your shoulder until she’s looking at you in expectation.

“So...Jungkook.” You keep the words quiet in case Jungkook happens to have better hearing than you’d expected but it still causes her cheeks to blush a sweet, rose gold. Grinning, you turn around and walk backwards as you take the rare chance of being able to tease her about a potential relationship. 

Normally, she’s already in a relationship before you even find out anything given how much she enjoys dating. But for the first time since you were in college, you were getting to see her in the midst of a crush.

“He’s nice. Very nice.” She says softly, the smile on her face matching her tone and you want to coo at her. But you can’t because Jungkook and Chungha have paused for you both to catch up to them. So instead, you leave her with one final comment.

“He is. And he’s very handsome. Hoseok says he’s a good guy so you should go for it.” With that, you stride forward to have a talk with the man in question. Looking up at him, he’s taller and broader than you, you give him a bright smile before holding up the bag with the player in it.

“Think he’ll like it? He’s been saying for a while he wants some vinyl records and I told his parents I’d get him the player. They’re getting him some records for it to start him off.” Jungkook peers into the bag, having a closer look at the vinyl player you’d bought before nodding in approval.

“I think he’ll like it. And that’s perfect because now I can buy him some records too. Any idea what his parents are getting him?” He asks curiously and you hum, frowning as you try to recall what his mom had told you on the phone.

“I think...a bunch of Iron Maiden records and one or two Metallica?” Pausing for a moment, you nod firmly. “Yeah, those two.”

“Sweet. There’s a store that sells records near here, are you okay if we go there and I can get him something as well? I know the perfect record for him.” His eyes are wide with excitement and you can’t help but grin at how sparkly they seem to be. Yeah, he would definitely make a good boyfriend with Soyeon.

“You know, I think I’ve realised a flaw in my present plans.” You muse to yourself, linking arms with Chungha when she sidles up next to you. A questioning noise comes from Jungkook and you look at him with a self-deprecating smile.

“I don’t really like a lot of the music he loves so I’m just making a rod for my own back here, aren’t I?” That gets a laugh from them all and you pout in an overly dramatically manner. For a moment, you consider how easily Jungkook seems to fit into your little friend group and how much you actually enjoy interacting with him.

You’ll openly admit to being a little awkward and stilted with some of Hoseok’s friends still, but you imagined that would change with time. The easy camaraderie between you all makes you miss Hoseok though, even though you knew there was no way he could have come with you.

“Well, you can buy records too. I mean, I know it’s his but if it’s in your place...I think they probably do records for the stuff you like.” Jungkook laughs and you can’t help but snort at the evil look in his eyes. Despite how sweet and innocent he often appeared, you knew from Hoseok that Jungkook, along with Jimin, was quite capable of coming up with some of the best pranks.

Best depending on your point of view obviously.

“Okay, no. I’ll be nice. It’s his player so he can play what he wants. Though he’d probably let me. Did you know I managed to get him to sit through an entire Taylor Swift album the other day? He looked comatose by the end.” Giggling, you remember the memory fondly while Soyeon scoffs on your other side.

“You don’t even like Taylor Swift.”

“Wrong. Well, kinda wrong. I like some of her songs. But on the whole, yeah, not a huge fan. That’s why it was funny because his reaction when he figured out I’d just put it on to make him whine.” Now it’s Jungkook’s turn to laugh loudly, the sound amusing on its own while he wrinkles his nose in pure amusement.

“Oh, you are evil. I love it. I definitely approve of you.” Rolling your eyes at how enthused he sounds about your prank on your boyfriend, you smile at Soyeon as she shakes her head in resigned bemusement. She should get used to this if she wants to try anything with the grad student because it’ll probably be a lot worse for her.

Idly, as you all continued to walk to the store Jungkook wanted to visit and made plans for dinner at a local pizzeria, you wondered if Hoseok would be amenable to your matchmaking skills. He obviously knew Jungkook far better than you so you resolved to ask him about it tonight. Maybe you could rope him into helping you get them both together. 

Though he may just do that thing where he sighs at you fondly and just goes along with whatever you say. You’d suggest it to him and see what happens. Either way, you get the feeling that the group of single guys in Hoseok’s friendship circle would be dropping once more soon enough.

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 2.5k

Warnings: Smut, swearing

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 6 Part 8

Part 7

Liam's phone rang. He ignored it and let it go to voicemail. When it rang again, he made a noise of disgust and took his phone out of his pocket to look at it. "It's my publicist. I had better take this."

Liam answered the phone and went outside to talk. I turned the oven on and started to unpack the groceries. Then I got the roast, put it in a baking tray, poured olive oil over the top and seasoned it with salt and some pepper. I got out some onions and garlic and started to cut them up to place around the roast to give it some added flavour.

"That looks great," Liam said when he came back in.

"Thanks," I said, and I gave him a grin. I took the tray and put it in the oven. I got my phone and put an alarm on, giving myself time to cook the veggies before they finished. A thought came to me, and before I could bite my tongue, I said, "They do say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

"Really?" Liam licked his lips, looked down at his pants and said, "I'd say they were aiming too high."

It took me a minute to work out what the joke was. When I finally did, I couldn't help but laugh and hide my face in my hands.

"You've gone so red!" Liam appeared to be having fun with my inability to control my blushes.

"Oh, my God!" I said, still hiding my face and laughing. "Alright, that was funny."

It took me a while to stop laughing. When I did, Liam said sombrely, "Sweetheart, I have to tell you something."

"Uh, oh, it doesn't sound good."

"It's not bad. I don't know how you will feel about it." Liam then told me that his publicist had called to let him know there were pictures put on Instagram and Twitter of the two of us kissing at the pub last night. "Your name hasn't been mentioned, and the photos look to be shot from pretty far away on a mobile, so someone in the pub took the pictures. Sarah says they probably aren't going to tell who you are by the pictures unless someone who knows you well comes forward."

I think if my eyes bulged out of my head any further, they would have fallen out and rolled on the floor. "That quick?" It was all I could think to say.

"Yeah. It's hard to know what will come out and when. A lot of times I go out, and no one notices me, but other times I have paps or members of the public following me for hours."

"Who's Sarah?"

"My publicist." Liam reached across the bench and took my hand in his. "Are you ok?"

"You say they don't know who I am?" Liam nodded, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I wasn't happy but what was I going to do about it? I picked at my nails. I needed to paint them; the pale pink polish was starting to chip.

"You ok?" Liam asked again

I shrugged. "Your life is weird."

Liam chucked. "You keep telling me that."

"So, what happens now?"

"Well, usually Sarah would say to private all social media, but she had a look and said she could only find a Facebook profile for you which was already private. Do you have any others? Instagram? Twitter? Snapchat?"

"No. I have a YouTube account that I use to watch videos, but that isn't linked to my real name or email. Also, a Tumblr account, again not associated with my name. And no pictures of me."

"Tumblr?" He raised an eyebrow. His fucking lip twitched.

"I was a confused 22-year-old ok?" I said a bit defensively. "I haven't used it in years," I remembered then the dating site we met on. I quickly logged on and selected the options to hide the account.

"Ok, well, there's not much else right now. A few rags called Sarah for comment. She said the standard no comment and asked for my privacy to be respected. The rest is up to you."

"Up to me?" I asked, confused. "What's up to me?"

"When you want to confirm the relationship and release your name."

"Liam, I met you less than 24 hours ago and have known you only a few months. I'm not ready for that. I like you a lot, but maybe you pick your nose and eat it, and I'll have to dump your arse tomorrow and then it's been a big song and dance over nothing." I joked. The mood had gotten too heavy for me. I wanted to talk about something else.

"Sweetheart, I'd never do that." He smiled sweetly, "I'd make you eat it."

"Ewww!" I screamed.

"Get over here." He chased me around the bench, and after a few evasions and some more squeals, he caught me. Perrin came in through the doggy door and barked at Liam a few times. Our behaviour obviously scandalised him. "Perrin," I called. "Come here, boy."

"You think your dog can save you?"

"Of course, he's very protective of my honour."

"We will see about that." Liam bent over, and I thought he was going to tackle me. Instead of flying backwards, I was hoisted forward and found myself over his shoulder. I screamed as I heard a loud crack, my hands flying to my bum.

"Did you just smack my arse?" I must admit I was finding all the manhandling arousing. I wasn't going to let him know that, though.

"Yes, I did. Want another?" Liam was heading down the hallway, taking me to the bedroom.

I giggled. "No!"

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks," Liam quoted. Shakespeare sounded good with his accent. I giggled some more, and I got another one. Yes, very arousing.

Liam hummed. "I quite like the view here." He rubbed my bottom and took me into my bedroom.

I was very close to his round bum. "This view is not so bad either," I said and smacked his arse. Unfortunately, it probably hurt me more than it hurt him. His butt was tight!

Liam dropped me onto the bed at that point, and the look on his face was hysterical. I couldn't stop laughing, and tears were rolling down my face. Then I did the most embarrassing thing: I snorted.

That was it. Both of us couldn't stop. Every time I calmed enough to think I could speak, one look at Liam's face, and I'd be off again.

Eventually, we stopped, and I was able to say, "Oh my God, your face! That was so bloody funny." I wiped my eyes.

"I think that may have been the first time someone's done that to me."

"Really? Didn't you go to an all-boys school?"

"Yes, but it wasn't the US." Liam tried suppressing a grin as he said, "we got ball taps."

I tried not to laugh. I really did. "Oh, my God!" I was off again.

We watched the original Mad Max before I had to go and finish dinner. I was horrified when Liam said he hadn't seen it before. I immediately made him watch it. He said it was ok, the concept was great, but he didn't love it. I told him he needed a brain scan.

When I went to make dinner, Liam offered to help, but I told him not to be silly.

Liam sat at the kitchen bench chatting to me while I chopped and blanched the vegetables. After a while, he said he had to call Sarah and his assistant Ryan to make sure he had organised the dog walker to take Cole for a walk and play.

"Any update from Sarah?" I asked Liam when he returned. I feigned disinterest while I finished slicing the roast.

"All the same right now. Some sites have posted the pictures, saying I was spotted drinking with an "unknown female companion." The pictures have circulated a bit on Twitter, but it's mostly just by fans. They haven't hit the mainstream yet. It's all fairly standard, and it will go away by tomorrow by the looks of it."

"Good," I said. A look I couldn't interpret passed over Liam's face. He masked it pretty quickly. I opened my mouth to ask if he was ok but shut it again. I said, instead, "dinner's ready." I passed Liam his plate.

"Thank you," Liam said, leaning over to kiss me before eating. I watched as he cut up some beef and started chewing. "Pretty good. Almost as good as Mum's," he teased with a wink.

I elbowed him, and God bless him; he pretended it hurt.

We ate in silence for a while. I gave a few pieces to Perrin. He was so old, and I couldn't help but spoil him occasionally. He won't be around forever.

After dinner, Liam insisted on helping me clean up, and we stacked the dishwasher. Watching him bend over, his jeans straining as he put the plates in, stirred some feelings. Erotic feelings.

"Want to watch another movie?" He asked.

"Not really," I said. "I'm in the mood for some dessert."

"Ice-cream? I can't have any, but you can."

"Not ice-cream," I said, shaking my head. I looked at him with my very best bedroom eyes.

"What do you want then? Want me to go to the shops?" He said, not catching on. I put my arms around his waist. "If you let me borrow your car, I'll go. I can just go on my own."

"No, you wombat." I met his hips with mine, his eyes widened. "What I want is right here." I wriggled against him. Liam grinned widely, his cheeks creasing in such a sexy way.

"I thought you were shy."

"I am getting used to you," I said. "The real me is coming out." The truth of my words took me by surprise. I looked away, second-guessing myself. Why did I do that?

"I like her," Liam said hoarsely. If he hadn't spoken then, I think I would have stopped. But when his hands went into my hair, and he pulled, stretching my throat, I knew I wasn't going to stop. He kissed me there, and his teeth grazed my skin. My fingers reached under his shirt, and they gripped his back. My nails dug into his skin.

"Bedroom?" I whispered.

"Bedroom," he agreed and walked me backwards to my room.

"You promised me something earlier today," Liam said in between kisses. We were close to my bed.

"What's that?"

He stopped kissing me and cupped my face with his hands. "You said I could undress you."

Liam took hold of my t-shirt and waited. I nodded. He slowly lifted my shirt up and over my head before dropping it to the ground. He tilted his head as if contemplating and gently turned me around.

I felt Liam gather my hair and put it over my shoulder. He caressed my back with his fingertips, making me shiver with pleasure. I heard him give a satisfied hum before undoing my bra. He turned me around again and took hold of my bra straps, pulling them down my arms.

When I dropped my bra beside my shirt, Liam took a step back. He looked me up and down, his eyes hungry. I wanted to cover myself under his intense gaze, my earlier courage wavering under his scrutiny.

My arms started to move, and he gave me a stern look. "You're not thinking of hiding now, are you?"

I shook my head and forced my arms back by my sides. "Good, because I want to look. You're quite the sight." As if to emphasise his point, he adjusted himself through his pants. I felt a thrill of excitement flow through me and felt the familiar throbbing between my legs.

Liam got down on his knees and kissed my belly. His rough stubble tickled. "Your skin is so soft," he said in a low voice. He undid my jeans and kissed a trail down as he unzipped me. His breath was warm, and I felt it through the cotton of my briefs, his last kiss placed just above my slit.

It was almost agony. I moaned at his teasing breath and lips. Then Liam pulled down my underwear and kissed my mound. I felt his tongue part my lips, and when he found what he was looking for, he flattened his tongue and moaned into me.

I didn't know what to do. For a moment, I wanted to stop Liam, but it felt too good. I could feel my resolve waning. I didn't want to wait. Why should we wait? What was I waiting for? I had to stop thinking and go with it, enjoy him, enjoy the experience. I put my fingers in his hair as he licked and sucked at me. He seemed to remember what I liked, and soon I was close to my peak.

One of his fingers played at my entrance. I silently begged for Liam to put it in. My core was desperate to be filled. His finger slowly entered me, and I was lost. I needed him. At that moment, all I wanted was to feel more of him inside me, have him fill me.

I felt like this was the moment. If I don't ask Liam now, I probably never would. If I didn't want him now, why am I even allowing this to happen? I wanted him. He excited me like no one had done since Andy. He had knocked down the defences I'd built to keep myself alone. Keep me in my grief and guilt. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted to feel desired again.

"Fuck me?" I asked. The words just tumbled out. I knew at that moment I would beg if I had to. "Please, Liam, I want you to fuck me."

I wasn't sure if Liam heard me. He increased his attention, and I felt the pressure building. His hand gripped my arse, his fingers digging into my cheeks as he pulled me closer to him. The short rough hair on his cheeks and chin tickled against my thighs. My legs buckled. I couldn't stand up anymore. He held me there while I panted and moaned, seeking release.

I felt my climax arrive like a bolt of lightning. It was sudden and intense. My body contracted as waves of pleasure exploded over me. Short, wordless shouts came from my mouth until it was over. I collapsed onto the bed.

I laid there a while, eyes closed, trying to catch my breath. Liam was shuffling around and heard his belt come undone. I felt the bed dip, and I opened my eyes to find Liam naked, climbing up the bed until his face was above mine.

Liam supported some of his weight with one hand and laid on me, our whole bodies skin to skin. He was warm to touch, and he almost felt hot to my now cooled skin.

"Ask me again," Liam said.

Part 8

[purplesurveys]

1189

survey by chasingghosts

What do you like about the house you live in? I relishhhhhhhhh the fact that we have a rooftop with a nice and calming view. I’m the only one in the family who makes good use out of it, so it’s a nice place to escape to whenever I need or want to be alone.

What furniture do you own? The only Adulting-related thing I’ve ever bought so far was my bedside lamp haha. I'm not comfortable investing in bigger things yet, and I’m still at the point where I’m rather carefree when it comes to my purchases i.e. expanding my BTS merch lol. I don’t put a lot of pressure on myself, and I appreciate that my parents don’t either.

What's the most cliche song you can think of right now? I feel like most of the Top 40 genre have generic and cliché concepts, but that won’t stop me from listening to them from time to time.

Name three of your favourite crepe toppings. I never liked crepes. I never understood why they have to be so thin hahaha. Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? What did you think of the ending? No, it never interested me.

Have you ever played paintball? Did you get hit? I never have.

Right now, are you too hot, too cold or just right? Too hot. It’s remained quite chilly in the evenings until tonight, which is an unwelcome but expected change considering we’re in May and the drastic change in temperature was bound to come any time soon. Still, the inside of the house is at least several Celsius degrees higher so I’m fine with staying here even though I’m already mildly sweating.

What was your favourite fairy tale when you were a kid? I never was into fairytales and I think I may have skipped out on them entirely as a kid.

Do you depend on others for happiness? I wouldn’t say I’m dependent. My conversations with my friends simply complement the happiness I can already provide myself with.

How do you feel today? Tell me about it. Physically, mostly uncomfortable because of the heat. Otherwise, I had a great time just spending time in bed all day, catching up on rest, and watching In The Soop and the new Run BTS episode.

What's the weather like today? Terrible. I never do well in the heat.

Do you ever use a laptop in bed? Yep but I put it on my lap or wedge it between my tummy and thighs while sitting up. I never directly place it on my bed since it heats up that way.

What were you doing in 2014? Crushing on and eventually asking out some girl. I was also starting to open up that year and was gaining more friends in school. Overall, a more than decent year; I don’t have any negative memories from that time.

Are you wearing socks right now? What colour are they? Nopes, I’m all barefoot.

What time are you taking this survey? 10:20 PM.

Have you ever eaten Caribbean food? I don’t think so, but as with all kinds of food I’m always open to trying it out should the chance come up.

Do you need to make any purchases soon, big or small? Just the remaining balance from all the merch I bought in the last two weeks. One thing I’ve picked up so far from collecting merch is that K-Pop merch is expensive as FUCK, so considering BTS’ core audience is on the younger side, most shops are super flexible and let people pay a downpayment first. Anyway, that said, I have several purchases I’ll have to fully settle by the end of the month.

What was the first movie you saw at the cinema? How old were you? Stuart Little 2; I was 4.

Do you feel hopeful for the future? Sure, but I don’t really dwell on it for too long because it would also just make me anxious. I like living in the now.

Where did you last fly to on a plane? Bicol.

If you were going on a daytime date tomorrow, what would you wear? Oversized tee + mom jeans + bucket hat, assuming the date is on the casual side.

Are your parents still together? If not, do you know why? Yes.

What is the COVID-19 vaccine roll-out like in your country? I’m from a third-world country, so you take a guess...light kidding aside, I hear of more and more people getting vaccinated everyday and that makes me glad, but the whole process has still been very slow. On my end, I don’t think I’m getting vaccinated until July or August, or potentially even later than that.

Have you ever been evicted? Why? My friends and I were once asked to leave a McDonald’s because they were being loud and rowdy playing a card game inside. We had it coming tbh; I just hated that I was dragged into it.

Would you say you're an organised person? When it comes to work, yeah. Not always with my room.

Have you ever worked as a manager or supervisor? I haven’t.

Do you eat at a table or on the couch? I usually eat at the dining table. But when I’m at work, since I can’t really ever leave my laptop, I have to contend with eating at my work desk even if it’s a little convenient.

Tell me something good about the last week of your life. Butter teasers!!!

When was the last time you heard a siren? What kind? A month ago maybe? when I heard the faint siren of an ambulance from somewhere far away.

Do you like jogging? No.

What brand is your TV? I don’t have my own TV in my room, but the ones we have everywhere else in the house are Samsung.

What was the last thing you voted for? Michelle had put up a poll on Twitter asking if people liked the apple chunks in apple pies crunchy or soft, and I’m guessing it’s because she’s planning to make her own recipe soon. I don’t entirely hate apple pies, so I still voted hahaha. I went for crunchy.

Do you remember much from high school? Sure. My memory’s not exceptionally crystal clear, but I’ve still been able to keep more than a handful of memories with me.

What's the longest you've ever stayed awake? Why did you do it? I’m not sure exactly but it has to be a little over 24 hours, and I probably did it just because I felt like staying up.

What's the most amazing animal you've ever seen in captivity? This is such a downer of a question...but idk. I find all animals fascinating, which is why I never like visiting zoos or animal parks.

Do you live in the state/province/territory you were born in? No, my family left Manila a few months after I was born, I believe.

What do you want to eat right now? Sushi sounds fucking fantastic, but alas it’s 2:36 AM and my best bet right now would be some cheap California maki from a convenience store.

Have you ever been wrongfully accused of something? Sure.

What are the five apps on your phone that you use most often? If I had to guess, probably Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Messenger, and Safari.

What's one of the most useless things you've ever purchased? I haaaaate the idea of buying things I know in the first place would be useless. But related to this, the last purchase I kind of regret is my current phone charger cord. It cost nearly P500 but was already detective from the get-go :(

[rightnowyoucanttell]

𝘼𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝘼𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣, 𝙉𝙖𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 || .G.D.

(This songs an oldie, but It popped up on my random artist playlist, and I was inspired. Haha, enjoy ig..)

Title: Alone Again, Naturally 

Summary: Veronica Chandler seems to be only destined for heartbreak. After a failed attempt to rebound on her toxic ex, she makes a routine trip to her local 24 hour Starbucks, in which she meets a handsome stranger.. and oh,  who happens to be the spitting image to the photo of the tinder date who stood her up....

Relationship: Grayson Dolan and Veronica Chandler

Word Count: 2,034

Tags (*updated*) : @dzoint ​ @graysavant @blindedbythelightt ​ @tadadolan @heartofalionxo  @beatement-l   @grayswhore @tattoogray ​@saggitariusagirl

Author’s note: First, this is total shit, i’m sorry. Second, I  did the stupidest thing of all time. I gave my OC the same name as the main character in the novel i’m writing on wattpad (to self plug, or not to self plug that is the question; i’ll take self plug for 100, Alex) why am i so stupid? Well, i'm too lazy to change it so. 

Third, i was inspired when the twins talked about dating apps and just like idk where this came from, must be out of my ass because it’s shit. 

I actually laughed at that...

Fourth, feedback is like the most important thing to me, like ever? So, feel free to lmk what y’all think, if this becomes a series I will be taking concepts. 

Veronica Chandler is destined for great things. Planning her future, modeling and working as a struggling actress, she could go off and marry some lawyer. But, the only thing she did seem destined for was heartbreak.

Ronnie knew it had been too soon. Not even a month ago she had broken up with her ex, Jonathan. She also knew this, when she was attracted to a man on tinder with the same name, mostly because of the name. She wasn’t over the man who man who ruined her life to all hell. But, the comfort of a relationship was all she needed and desperately strived for.

Jonathan, was an artist, mad at the world needing to find himself. So, each night he did just so. Jonathan would go out to ‘find himself’ and along the way he found, Roxanne, Malibu, Dianne and Eileen. Jonathan drank, and he would physically and mentally abuse a good strong woman, who for the longest time couldn’t bring herself to walk out of his life.

Each time, from the first to the third she was too lonely, desperate and down on herself to let him loose. But, after he cheated on her with a married forty-year-old woman with four children, that was when Mama Chandler intervened and scared him half to fucking hell. That woman raised no fool, and if she did it was Veronica’s older brother, Noah.  Veronica was just a sad young woman who couldn’t keep a man because they used her.

This night in particular was her rebound date at a local vegan restaurant. A fancy one. With velvet rugs, chandeliers, expensive wines, however with decently sized portions. Veronica stood outside waiting for Jonathan. Who was described in his photo as muscular, a builder with brown hair and eyes and often in there messages boasted about such muscularity.

It was dark. He planned to meet her at 5:30. It was 7:30. Groups passed her. Parties on the street began talking, while the mannequins in store fronts slept under the lights. But, Ronnie was sure, this guy was genuine, and would be the best rebound. 

But, her plans and dreams were foiled when 8:30 hit, she decided to leave embarrassed and ashamed she thought it would turn out differently, she should have known. Her mosquito allergy becoming aggravated just as much as her. She sulked. She never really dressed to impress others, she wore heels, a leather jacket paired with a silk revealing top and boot cuts black jeans. That’s when the heaven on earth shone down upon her, a burning bush of sorts.

           A 24 hour starbucks.

As she walked down the sidewalk slowly, she was tired of being let down; tired of catering to the whims of others, ready to return home and make a stray of financially irresponsible choices online, she entered through the glass doors and into the small shop in Hollywood. The cool yet humid summer air from outside was left behind in the warmth of the shop, that’s when she saw him.

A tall handsome stranger, brown hair and eyes, with muscular arms. She fell for him immediately, he was gorgeous. But, then. Veronica realized something, the same man, the handsome stranger, was either the same person or a bicep by bicep replica of the man she was supposed to meet tonight, at that Vegan restaurant.

The fire fueled deep down, but she ignored it when she got in line to the left of him ready for her Pink Drink and croissant so she could run to the nearest Ralph’s and purchase two tubs of strawberry ice cream, she’d be needing it. The line shifted. She shifted on her feet, he did the same.

Veronica tapped her foot. That’s when the stranger started talking,”Whoah. Slow down there ‘Miss i’m on a mission’.”

His voice was deep and hoarse, he sounded like he had been having a night himself. Veronica ignored the voice that in some ways drew her closer.

“I’m Grayson, By the way..” the named stranger drifted. That’s when Veronica snapped. The man was Jonathan or she thought, and he was ignorant enough to poach the woman he stood up, again, she thought.

“How can you be so arrogant and glib, after everything you’ve done?” Veronica whipped her head to the right of him snapping out of anger and then with no response

“Ah, she’s brave. Calling me arrogant and glib, without even knowing me, cool.” Grayson scoffed and nodded, shrugging it off, and moving forward in the line before stopping yet again.

Ronnie tapped her foot miserable an angry…”Without knowing you? I know you. Your the kind of guy who’s shows up a girl, and breaks the rules because you think it’s cute.”

“Do You think it’s cute?” He lanced over to her smirking a devilish smirk. She scoffed and crossed her arms with her jacket draped over one of them, shaking her head as the crazily long late night line, shifted forward. ‘Grayson’ may have won the battle by showing her up, but his blatant lies would lose the war to Veronica.

“Spare me your routine, i assume that’s what this” she gestured to Grayson,”-cut it out okay? Or, i’ll make your life a living hell.”

“Sorry, not into a relationship at the moment,” he joked before turning back to face the options board, even though his order was almost always the same. Ronnie rolled her eyes. Ronnie's eyes were tired. She felt physically ready whoop this man;s ass, but mentally and emotionally drained.

“And, by the way. No. I do not think it’s fucking cute..” Veronica replied after a few moments of silence. Veronica mumbled cruising, barely audible to Grayson. Veronica was so confused, and so irritated, she didn’t no what to believe. She sighed and went for her phone fumbling for her back pocket, and opening the tinder profile of ‘Jonathan’, “Explain this.”

The screen illuminated a photo of Grayson with the name Jonathan below it. He had still had long hair at this point, right before it’s annoyance shaggy length.Grayson was shirtless in the photo with a chain necklace around his neck. Grayson squinted to examine the photo on the app and chuckled as he passed it back to Veronica.

“You, my dear, got catfished. By someone posing to be, yours truly. I’ve never had tinder and haven’t used a dating app since I was like, fourteen..” Veronica rolled her eyes at his comment before scrunching her brows in confusion but not enough to continue to pry,”..don’t believe me? Search ‘Grayson Dolan’ on instagram or twitter, you’ll owe me an apology.” Grayson snapped as hurt in reply and turned away from the fabric keeping a distance between the two. 

  Grayson felt for Veronica, he could hear the pain in her silence, the sadness in her eyes, the facade of a mask she put on,  even if he didn’t know her name, like her he had been pining for love. The same night he had been dumped via text by his ex girlfriend, also his ghost of days of business past, ex- assistant, before Sterling. He should have known it was a mistake, and Ethan warned him several times, but  much like Veronica with OG Jonathan, he blamed love for his feelings. 

Grayson was tired, wanting to head home with a cup of joe, but this unidentified juliet, across from him caught his eye, and there was no turning back. 

The line shifted. Hesitantly she opened instagram and search the name and she stopped, in her tracks. She owed this man apology, Grayson Dolan, he was a real guy, with a huge following however she never heard of him. She followed him, sighed and put her phone back into her pocket.And yes, he was good looking, she fell for the looks a little more than the name.

“..i--i’m sorry. Guess you were right, I was wrong..” Veronica managed to croak out. Grayson’s phone notified him from his pocket, he checked it smirked, followed her back and placed it back into his pocket.

Grayson looked over to the brunette Brazilian to the right of him. She tapped her foot nervously, as she picked her brain for a better apology. She felt herself loosen, knowing he was just trying to help, and didn’t stood up. Her demeanor changes, this man was a kind stranger who just happened to be the man in the photos she was catfished with, the real Grayson did nothing wrong.

“-., so this Jonathan, what happened?” He asked looking into her dark brown eyes, meaning it. Wanting to know everything about the stranger that made him want to know here. She laughed flashing a smile all the while. Her laugh, Grayson thought. The way she talked and laughed, when she was enjoying herself, it was all so lyrical, it made him want to laugh.

He looked at Veronica, like, really looked at her. The way the lighting reflected on her sparkly eyeshadow. Her dark green eyes, her long luscious and free riding dark brown hair, that had been straightened from its naturally curly form.

“..Well, I uh, met him on Tinder and he stood me up. I just got out of a nast relationship and he was my rebound, but he’s probably some weird guy living in his mother's basement-” she sighed opening up to him. She smiled at her own comedic relief comment. Hiding behind humour was something she did.

Grayson laughed, becoming serious,”I’m sorry, that sucks. What about your ex?”he pried further, there were only three people in front of them, all by themselves, swarmed by the world living in their phones.

“He was a cheater, a drinker and beater, who just so also happened to be named Jonathan..” the negative memories stirred up again in front of her. The pain on her shoulder came back, so did the reminiscence, drawing and pulling her into a melancholy flashback. 

                                                    ~~~

"Where would you like me to go, hmm? Ronnie!" he shoved her to the ground and she fell backwards dislocating her shoulder. She winced in pain, it had pulsated throughout her body. She knew she had to do this, for herself, the well being of herself for once. Did she want to? No. It scared her. He scared her.

Once he got the clout he wanted he changed, he was living off of her earnings, living in her apartment at the time, using her car, and she was forced to nod and smile along with it like some big ugly joke of a play. 

"How about for starters-" she managed between heavy sobs of pain and trying to prop herself against the reclining part of the sofa she was thrown in front of,"..hell? Take your toothbrush and your shave kit, and try some bleach in your cereal, i'm done. Okay? Go away, J!"

                                                            ~~~

Ronnie was back to reality when she heard Gray's voice,"..Safe to assume you have a type, then?"he asked really looking at the beautiful woman in front of his eyes.

 “Yeah. I try so hard but,”Veronica felt sad,” but, i’m never the one.” she felt even sadder memories of her ex flashing before her, she shrugged it off and continued,”…alone again, naturally, I guess.”

Grayson and Veronica were now the first in line,”Hey, let me buy your drink. Maybe we could be alone again, together…” Veronica smiled, and nodded.

“I’d like that..”

                       ~~~   

Later that night the two walked into the humid, yet comfortingly cool, heat together side by side after a two-hour conversation just on life.

“I, uh, better walk to my car.” Veronica said in front of Grayson’s porsche. Her jacket was around her shoulders and covered her arms,”I had fun, tonight” she held out a starbucks napkin she secretly wrote her number on, the wind tossed it gently back and forward. He smiled and breathed out a friendly, good night. He hated to see her go so soon, but would love to watch her leave.

“Wait, I never got your name-”he hollered down into the cold night on the streets of Los Angeles. Veronica turned around and continued walking backwards, her hair following and tracing her every move.

“It’s Veronica.” she breathed before giving him one last look with her deep green eyes and turning back down the sidewalk, heading to her car and driving into the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Should I make this a series? If so, what to name it, i’m thinking lyrical and each chapter is a song name? lmk. 

AHH i'm nervous to post this, but fuck it, right? No day but today. 

i’ll stop. 

[thatyanderecritic]

NoStranger

Title: NoStranger

Media: App Game. Made by Matthew O’Connell and Scott Mulligan

Yandere(s): Adam

Yandere Scale: 1/5

Criticism written by: Kai

Editor: Julie

Review:

Hey there, everyone. It’s been a while since we last had a proper review on this blog. With everything that’s been going on, things have been a little crazy, but in-between moments, I have been playing some mobile games. I enjoy a good ol’ text-based adventure game, but one day, the app store recommended this particular app… NoStranger. I wasn’t expecting much, but surprisingly, the game grew on me, but most of all, I came to love the surprise yandere: Adam. Let’s get into the review…

NoStranger is a game reminiscent of games such as Her Story and Simulacra. It’s a blend of found footage style gameplay and ARG where you solve puzzles by going to various websites and social media accounts while talking with a “stranger” and connected the story. Admittedly, NoStranger is an outdated game. It was made about three years ago, and it shows based on the writing, obsolete app functions, and the ancient blog posts you use to solve puzzles. But, for what it was, it’s still good as a staple for being ahead of its time.

The story is rather straightforward. You, the player, one day downloaded a chatting app and get connected to a stranger who goes by the name Adam. The two of you spend a lot of time chatting and solving Adam’s puzzles. He enlisted your help in finding specific individuals to research for his “book.” In the end, you find out that he’s been killing these people because he believed they got in the way between him and his ex-girlfriend, Pepper. In the end, Pepper finds out and commits suicide. Following suit, Adam gives you one final good-bye and kills himself.

Well… that’s what I gathered while playing. The “actual” story is somewhat interpretive, but this story seems to be the common consensus for the players. I see it, and that this was what the authors were most likely implying, but to me, it seemed like a forced narrative when I look to the build-up and final conclusion. Overall, Adam was a normal and down to earth character while certain parts of the story went… weird. Like it took me away from my suspension of disbelief to make me scratch my head and wonder what the authors were thinking when writing certain parts. It felt somewhat out of the blue, thus why I say the writing is dated. In the end, the whole stalking and killing narrative seems kind of rushed and out of the blue. Okay, okay, not “totally” out of the blue. There were little hints here and there that it wasn’t a book study and that he still clings on to his ex. But again, it feels very reasonable and a different narrative, such as helping Adam… like genuine help, not an “accessory to crime” help.

I’ll be frank, Adam charmed the socks off me. Right from the start, Adam began talking about morality and the meaning of life. I ate that shit up, my dudes. It reminds me of the types of talk Julie, and I would often have, which made me fond of him rather quickly. He was a relatable character to me with the things that plagued him. If he was a real person, I might have genuinely fallen in love with him, haha. But it just makes me sad when I see other reviews chalk him up as some “Creepy murderous stalking psychopath.” He was more than that, he was a friend, and he hoped that the player thought him as such too. But unfortunately, I notice a lot of people were too hung up that this is supposed to be a “horror” game. Acting smug going: “OMG Adam is so obviously a creeper. Like who ask people for directions to a hospital or talk about morality. He’s such a bad guy.” I press X for doubt on that smh.

Aughhhhh, I really wish he was real without the authors pushing a narrative. I can imagine all the fun late-night talks about life and death or solving his puzzles.  At the end of the game, I had the silly thought crossing, “Adam, no. You’re the only person besides Julie who fascinates my mind like this. Come back!” Haha.

This certainly was a game that would hit harder to players who have high EQ or suffers from “protagonist syndrome” who believe their moral code should be followed by everyone. But this game had no real effect for a person like me, someone with loose moral code. That is to say… if you plan to play this game after all my gushing, then be wary of a couple of things. The biggest is that it will challenge your idea of morals… well, it’s kind of like “Baby’s first moral conflict,” but if you never experience it before, you may have a hard time getting along with Adam. Next is the puzzles. Most of the puzzles are easy, but some are challenging and timed. If you don’t like puzzles, then you won’t enjoy the puzzles here, haha. Thankfully there is a walkthrough. Admittedly, after the first couple of puzzles, I just began to use the walkthrough because I had more fun picking at Adam’s than the actual game parts. Finally, the wait time. You actually have to wait for periods of time until Adam comes back from whatever he’s doing. I advise using your hints during the massive time waits. I wasted all my hints before the end, and I had to wait for 24 hours. Yikes!

Overall, I give Adam a pity point and use it as an excuse to shine some light on the game, haha. It’s pretty hard to score Adam since we hardly know anything about him, and his interactions are pretty reasonable. The ending was both straightforward and vague, but I have no fucking clue why he even liked this Pepper chick (HE SHOULD HAVE LOVED MEEEEEEE >:U lol jk). As I said, the concluding narrative seems like BS to me, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. It seems like this was the author’s first game.

Do I recommend playing this game? Yes. Play it for the yandere? Not really. Play it to becomes friends with Adam? Yes.

Overall Score: 5/10

(PS. There are points in the game where Adam asks you for information about yourself. Don’t sweat too much. The makers don’t hold any data and Adam doesn’t do anything with it. It’s just for immersion and a cute little ending bonus which I’ll show a screenshot below)

[floralelu]

Le Fleuriste Episode III:

WARNING: MENTIONS/USE OF ALCOHOL AND SMOKING

Word Count: 4,402

Summary: Lucas is confronted with the man of his dreams, as of one day of course. How will it go? Will Lucas fall deeper into love, or convince himself that Eliott isn’t the boy for him.

———————————————————————

Lucas spent the first few minutes after Eliott had sent the message standing on the sidewalk and staring at his screen. He exited the app and reopened it to make sure the message wasn’t a figment of his imagination and his mind wasn’t playing, what would be, a very mean trick on him. It wasn’t until his brain kicked into gear that he started to freak out.

“Oh my god, he really just-” Lucas didn’t know what to do. Here was the boy that he liked if he could even call it that seeing as it had only been one day since they met, saying that Lucas was beautiful and now all of a sudden Lucas didn’t know how to act. Maybe Yann would know? Lucas opened his messages and tapped on the conversation with Yann.

13:23 pm Lucas: YANN

13:25 pm Lucas: YANN JSNDJE

13:26 pm Lucas: LOIK AT RHIS

13:26 pm Lucas: [1 image attatchment]

13:27 pm Lucas: WHAT DO I DO?

13:31 pm Lucas: STOP FLIRTING WITH EMMA AND HELP ME

13:37 pm Lucas: you suck, i’m coming to the store

The walk back to King’s Grove felt like it took forever. Now that it was later in the day more people were outside. Some were running errands, some were just out walking, but all of them were in Lucas’ way. He lost count of how many shoulders he bumped into. It wasn’t until Lucas was pulling open the door to Frizzies that he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Emma looked up from her place at the register as the bell above the door rang.

She smiled at him, “Lucas! You’re back.”

“Hi Em, do you know where Yann is?”

“We were just talking a minute ago,” Lucas mentally rolled his eyes, “he might be in the back? You’re welcome to go look.”

Lucas thanked Emma and headed towards the back room. He found Yann sitting at a table, eating a sandwich from the cafe. Lucas walked up behind him and lightly slapped his shoulder.

Yann whipped his head around, “Ow! What the hell?”

Lucas glared at him, “That’s for not answering my messages. I’m in the middle of a crisis, Yann!” Lucas sat down into a chair across from his friend. Yann rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“What are you talking about?”

Lucas opened up his phone to his messages with Eliott and slid it across the table, “This!”

Yann read the messages and looked back up at Lucas after a minute. The two stared at each other, but Lucas was the first to speak.

“What?”

Yann sighed, “Lucas… you know he can see that you read this right? And it’s been what? Almost two hours since he sent it?”

Lucas twisted his head around to find the clock attached to the wall, his eyes growing wide while reading 14:35, “Oh shit, oh my god. He probably thinks he creeped me out or something. I just didn’t know how to respond. Yann, I have to fix this.”

“Woah, breathe Luc. It’s gonna be okay. Just message him back and say thank you.” Yann reached over the table and laid a comforting hand onto Lucas’s shoulder.

“I know it seems like I’m overreacting, and maybe I am, but no one like Eliott has ever made me feel like this, Yann. It’s been less than 24 hours since I met the guy but I can’t get him out of my head. There’s something here that I don’t want to lose, I just don’t know what that thing is yet.”

Yann looked across the table at Lucas, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Lucas may not know what it is, but Yann sure had a guess. Lucas had never talked about someone like this. After Lucas came out, the gang had promised to always have Lucas’s back, and they’d be his wingmen when needed. While most of the time, the boys failed to find someone up to his “standards” (though Yann would disagree with that statement, simply calling Lucas picky), Lucas was glad to have friends like them. Seeing Lucas so upset at the current situation, Yann knew that he truly didn’t want this to ruin his chances with Eliott.

“Well, we know he finds you attractive, so that’s a good sign, right?” Yann asked.

“I mean, yeah I guess,” Lucas shrugged, “but that won’t mean anything if he decides he doesn’t want to talk to me because I left him on seen.” Lucas put his head in his hands, “I’m usually able to talk to guys, why is this so hard?”

Yann chuckled, “Luc, I think you actually like this guy, that’s the difference.”

“That’s the thing though, I don’t even know anything about him. I know his name, his Instagram and where he works, but that’s it.”

“So? Find something to talk about, learn more about him. What do you think dates are for?” Yann raised an eyebrow, “I bet if you asked him to go out right now he’d say yes.”

Lucas raised his head, “Haha, very funny. Not happening. I don’t need to embarrass myself anymore just because you think he’d say yes.”

Yann raised his hands in mock surrender, “Hey, I’m just saying. When have I ever been wrong?”

“Well,” Lucas tilted his head to the side, “how about the time we went to that party and I said maybe we shouldn’t get completely wasted because we had a test the next day and you said, “Luc, we’ll be fine!” but we ended up missing that test because we were nursing our hangovers? Or there was the time you told Baz that the girl at the pretzel stand was hitting on him, so he went up there only to get a smoothie thrown in his face? And let’s not forget the time when the only milk left in the fridge was expired but you said it would be okay to drink and all four of us-”

“Okay!” Yann cut Lucas off, “There have been times where I was wrong, I get it. But I know I’m right about this.”

Lucas hummed in response, looking back at the open messages on his phone when Yann spoke up again, “What if you went to see him?”

Lucas’s head shot up at the suggestion, “You mean like right now?”

“Well, yeah. His store is just across the street, it’s not like you have to go far.” Yann was looking at Lucas, waiting for his reply.

“I don’t know, Yann.” Lucas sighed, “Wouldn’t be weird for me to show up to his store after not replying to his message. By accident.”

“Right. Well, as I said earlier, maybe just respond with a thank you and see where it goes? At least let him know you didn’t mind the compliment. With leaving him on seen he might think you aren’t interested.”

“I hate this. I’m gonna head over the cafe to get some lunch. Thanks, Yann.”

Yann smiled at him, “No problem, dude. We’ll figure this out.”

Lucas made his way out of the backroom and towards the front of the store. Emma was still at the register. Lucas said goodbye as he left the music store and headed across the street to the cafe. Lucas pulled the door open and stepped inside. All at once, he was hit with the smell of fresh-baked bread and lemon. He glanced around the cafe, spotting Manon behind the counter ringing a customer up and Alexia plating some pastries behind the glass display case. Lucas was here to eat lunch, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to update the girls on the Eliott situation. He made his way over to the line behind the register and looked up at the menu. He settled on a sandwich and, of course, one of their danishes.

“Hey!” Manon was looking at him with a smile on her face, “you’re back again! What can I get you?”

Lucas told her his order and Manon rang him out. It wasn’t until she was handing him his change that he added, “When you and Alex get a second, could I talk to you guys?”

Manon looked at him questioningly, “Is everything alright?”

“Yes! I think. I just have to tell you guys about the Eliott thing.”

A smile broke out on Manon’s face, “Oh! The Eliott thing, is that what we’re calling this? Once Alexia and I can catch a break we’ll come to find you.”

“Thanks, Manon.”

She nodded her head and Lucas went to go sit down. He picked a booth in the back corner, away from the late lunchtime rush. Lucas peered out the window and watched the people outside. There was an older man laughing at something the woman next to him said. There was also a little boy holding on to his mother’s hand as they walked down the cobblestone street. They reminded Lucas of himself and his mother when he was younger and everything was a little less complicated. Lucas didn’t hear the incoming footsteps, but the voice startled him out of his daze.

“Hi there.” It was Eliott.

“Uh, h-hi.” Lucas gulped, was Eliott angry with him? For not replying to his message?

“Is everything alright?” Eliott asked. “You look like you might faint.”

Oh god, Lucas would never be able to face Eliott again if he fainted. He needed to chill the fuck out. He could be suave right? He had been with the ladies once upon a time.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, dude. Nothing to worry about here,” Lucas chuckled. “Just haven’t eaten in a while, you know?”

Eliott slid into the booth across from him. His knees brushed Lucas’ and Lucas couldn’t help but blush at the slightest bit of contact.

“Yeah, I haven’t eaten since breakfast this morning, business is always busy at Barney’s, especially during this time of year.” Eliott smiled at him.

God, that smile. All Lucas wanted was to be able to make Eliott smile, and kiss the apples of his cheeks when he did.

“I’ll be right back, I’ve been craving one of their danishes lately,” Eliott stood up and then turned back at Lucas. “By the way, you’re cute when you blush.”

Once Eliott had reached the counter and began ordering, Lucas finally felt his lungs give out from the breath he had been holding. This boy was so flirtatious, and Lucas had no experience in flirting, at least with men anyway.

Eliott returned to his seat across from Lucas, only to be greeted with Alexia carrying plates of food in her arms.

“Ham and cheese sandwich accompanied by a sweet cheese danish for Lucas,” Alexia retrieved Lucas’ plate and set it across from him. “And a cherry jam danish for the dashing gentleman.” Alexia smiled at Eliott and offered her hand. “I’m Alexia, you must be Eliott, the boy Lucas won’t stop talking about.”

Eliott glanced at Alexia’s hand before shaking it. “So he’s been talking about me?” Eliott grinned at Alexia before he cocked an eyebrow at Lucas, which only made Lucas blush harder.

“He sprinted in here this morning bright and early just for us to tell him all about you. However, he only ran into a dead end since we didn’t know much about you. The love in his eyes would make any woman melt or man in this case.”

Lucas slapped Alexia’s arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

Lucas widened his eyes and nodded towards Eliott.

“Right! I’ll leave you guys alone. Have fun you two!” Alexia smiled and waved back at them as she was heading towards the counter to return to her duties.

“So, you’ve been talking about me?”

“Yeah,” Lucas felt cornered. Was he really going to confess his one-day-old crush to Eliott already? No, no way. “She’s just joking, you know how best friends are.” Lucas poked and prodded at his danish, embarrassed.

“Yeah, Idriss wouldn’t stop talking about how clumsy I was to Mrs. Lawerence one day when I broke two vases. The first time wasn’t even my fault! Ginger was the one who knocked the vase over!” Eliott shook his head and took a bite of his danish.

“Okay, wait, who’s Mrs. Lawerence and Ginger?” Lucas asked.

“Mrs. Lawerence was a good friend of my grandfather’s and Ginger is the cat that always hangs out in the garden behind the shop and sometimes hangs out inside during the summers, she gets herself into trouble.”

“I see,” Lucas chuckled, both at the story and the fact that he was starting to relax. “Hey, I’m sorry for not replying to your message earlier.”

“Oh! It’s okay, I figured you got busy or something,” Eliott took another bite of his sandwich. “I hope I didn’t freak you out or anything by what I said. I have a tendency-”

Lucas cut him off.

“You didn’t freak me out.”

“Good,” Eliott sighed in relief. “Would you like to hang out after this? If you’re not busy of course, we could go to the garden behind the shop. Maybe you can meet Ginger?”

Was Eliott asking him out on...a date? No, he couldn’t be. They’re just going to “hang out”, as friends do, not as boyfriends do.

“Yeah, sure,” Lucas took a bite of his sandwich. “I’d love to.”

———————————————————————

It was dusk now, the birds were singing peaceful lullabies and most of the shops were closing for the day, including Barney’s. Lucas followed Eliott into the alleyway.

“This looks like a great place for me to get murdered, great choice, Eliott,” Lucas chuckled at his own joke unless...was Eliott a serial killer?

“And then, Lucas was never to be seen again,” Eliott said and then laughed wickedly. “Seriously, I’m not a serial killer though.” Eliott finally unlocked the wooden gate leading to the oasis among the shops. “Welcome to my evil lair!” Eliott laughed maniacally again.

“You’re starting to creep me out,” Lucas chuckled and followed Eliott through the gate.

Lucas gaped at the garden before him. A gravel path trailed down the center of the garden. It was divided by another, less intimidating wooden fence than before, guarded by another gate. Behind the gate was a greenhouse that held fruit trees of many kinds as well as tropical flowers. A variety of trees and shrubbery surrounded the greenhouse. To the right of the greenhouse were wooden boxes, displaying newly sprouted plants from the soil, each marked by a popsicle stick that labeled the names of each row of sprouts. On the other side of the divided garden was what looked like to be a place for hosting and maybe being a place to get away from the busy shop life. Lucas knew he could spend hours here, especially with Eliott.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” Eliott asked, looking down and meeting Lucas’ eyes. “I used to come out here all the time when I was a kid, to paint and to read, I still do.”

Lucas jumped at the sudden contract at his feet with an orange cat, brushing between his ankles and it’s tail wrapping around his leg.

“This is Ginger, I’m assuming?”

“The very one,” Eliott squatted down to pet her and Lucas matched his stance. “She likes to be petted on her neck.”

“Here?” Lucas asked and touched Ginger’s neck to which she hissed and pawed at Lucas, catching him off guard. Lucas leaned back, missing Ginger’s claws.

“No,” Eliott laughed and reached for Lucas’ hand. He placed it on the side of Ginger’s neck. “See? Feel her purring?”

Lucas could feel it, but it wasn’t the only thing purring. Lucas’ heart raced and butterflies fluttered in his stomach. Eliott didn’t remove his hand. It was warm and comforting. He kept it there and felt Ginger’s purring with him. Lucas prayed it was too dark to tell that Lucas was blushing even though Eliott already called it cute.

Lucas felt the need to change the subject in order to keep his cool.

“So, you paint?” Lucas asked, glancing between Eliott and the cat.

“Yeah! I actually used to host art shows in this garden, but I mostly paint for myself now,” Ginger became fed up with Lucas’ atrocious petting technique and moved into Eliott’s lap, Eliott petted her tenderly. “It’s funny,” Eliott giggled. “I have this obsession with sunflowers.”

Lucas remembered the sunflower being held up in front of Eliott’s face on his Instagram profile.

“I assume that’s your favorite flower then?” Lucas asked, picking at the grass beneath him.

“It’s only the best choice as far as favorite flowers go,” Eliott explained, rolling the sleeves up of his grey sweater, revealing a tattoo of a flower with an eye in the middle along with another tattoo in a cursive script that Lucas couldn’t read in the dim light. “I mean, who wouldn’t choose that as their favorite flower? It’s bright and beautiful, it reminds me of summer no matter what time of year I look at it.”

Lucas smiled at the easy conversation. That’s how everything has felt so far with Eliott. Easy. He couldn’t even think as to why he was so nervous this morning, all he had to do was talk to him.

“Lucas, you look like you’re thinking hard about something,” Eliott stared at him and tilted his head like a confused puppy. “What is it?”

“I’m thinking…” Lucas trailed off. He couldn’t reveal how much this conversation meant to him. He couldn’t tell Eliott that his eyes had a certain sparkle no star could ever match when he talked about something that he was passionate about. Shit, for all Lucas knows, Eliott is straight. “about how much I want to see these paintings of yours.”

“Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” Eliott jumped up and offered his hand to Lucas.

“Wait, now? Where are we going?”

“To my apartment!” Eliott exclaimed. Lucas saw Eliott’s frown in reaction to Lucas’ panicked look. “Lucas, you don’t have to go,” Eliott started giggling. “I promise I’m not a murderer.”

Lucas couldn’t let this get to him. This boy is straight, Lucas told himself. Nothing to worry about.

It wasn’t that Lucas was afraid of Eliott being a serial killer or anything of the sort, he was afraid that he would have his first kiss tonight, or his first time. A series of new experiences could happen tonight, one after another, but was Lucas ready for it?

“Says you! I bet your last victim is buried beneath me right now!” Lucas joked. Eliott’s expression remained unchanged. “I’m kidding.” Lucas took Eliott’s hand and stood up. He blushed at contact that sent shivers through his spine and butterflies soaring in his stomach.

“So, you’ll come with me?” Eliott smiled, still holding Lucas’ hand. Lucas nodded and felt Eliott’s thumb stroke his knuckles.

———————————————————————

At the end of King’s Grove were some apartment complexes, mostly for the shop keepers, but some hipsters and retired folks lived among them too. The buildings matched the rest of Annecy with a bright color palette. The apartment complex was only a short walk from the flower shop.

The two trailed up the stairs and were greeted by a white door with a wreath made up of delicate flowers including some Baby’s Breath from what Lucas could recognize.

“Cute wreath.” Lucas chuckled.

“I know, I know, it was a housewarming gift from Mrs. Lawrence,” Eliott unlocked the door. “Anyways, welcome to casa de Eliott.”

Lucas was greeted with a massive amount of greenery scattered about the apartment. There were flowers tucked in various vases and bottles, and pots of ferns and vines rested upon shelves. All of the plants were kept neatly trimmed and didn’t appear to be unruly. Along the walls were paintings of sunflowers in many styles, some realistic and others more cartoonish. The kitchen and the living room were joined together and felt spacious despite how small the apartment actually was. Lucas walked around in the living room as Eliott was looking for something to drink in the fridge. Lucas could spot what seemed to be a garden on the balcony.

“Don’t trip on Francine!” Eliott warned Lucas. Lucas looked down at the small pot of succulents at his feet. “She’s very fragile,” Eliott walked over, handing Lucas one of the beers he found in the fridge and moved “Francine” to the coffee table behind Lucas. “My apologies for all the plants, whatever we don’t have room for in the shop, I take home.”

“But you name your plants?” Lucas asked, twisting off the metal lid off the bottle.

“Of course! What do you think I am? Crazy?” Eliott grabbed his beer and twisted off the cap as well. “Cheers.” The two clinked bottles and took a drink.

“Well, I don’t own any plants to name, plus I’d kill them anyway,” Lucas approached the wall, studying one of the sunflower paintings. It was just a sunflower on a white canvas, but it was painted thick globs of paint that appeared still wet as if Lucas could mess it up with a single touch. “I like this one,” Lucas said as Eliott stood beside him.

“Me too,” Eliott smiled, admiring the painting before them, taking another drink from the bottle in his hand. “I feel like a sunflower is somehow the representation of me.”

“What do you mean?” Lucas asked, giving Eliott a puzzled look.

“Sometimes, I appear happy and people don’t see the darkness that goes on within me, you know?” Eliott’s bright smile left his face.

“Wow, that was pretty deep,” Lucas chuckled at his comment, trying to lighten the mood. “What flower do you think represents me?”

Eliott turned to face Lucas now, they were so close to each other. Lucas could feel Eliott’s breath on his face.

“I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it.”

It felt like Eliott was staring into his soul. Lucas could kiss him, right here, right now. He could push every fear aside and just kiss him. He could make their forever start today, he could-.

“Do you smoke?” Eliott asked, pulling a joint from his pocket.

“Oh, I used to,” Lucas stared at the joint. Getting drunk and high with Eliott? What could go wrong! “I still do sometimes, with my friends.”

Eliott nodded and lit the join between his lips, once he lit it he took a long drag and removed it from his lips. Lucas stared at the puff of smoke that escaped from Eliott’s lips. Fuck, he’s so hot.

Eliott offered Lucas the joint and he took it, taking a long drag from it and exhaling. He was starting to relax more and more as the alcohol and weed took effect. He felt himself beginning to unwind.

“God, I can’t believe someone like you names their plants,” Lucas said as he leaned back on the couch. “You’re, like, ridiculously handsome too, I bet women find it sweet as hell that a hot guy like you names his plants.” Lucas laughed and shook his head. Fuck, what was he even saying right now?

“They do,” Eliott laughed along with him. “My ex-girlfriend found it hilarious.”

So that was it, Eliott was straight. Lucas was just starting to think that he got lucky, being in the apartment and sitting across from the most beautiful man he had ever seen. That was it, the end of their forever, all over in the span of one day. Lucas felt a sob in the back of his throat, he could never change how Eliott saw him. He could never kiss those lips or play with his gorgeous golden hair. Back to the fucking drawing board.

Ping! Finally, something to pull Lucas out of his thoughts and get him out of here. He could breakdown at any moment.

22:17 p.m. Yann: Hey, Lu. I just got home. Where are you?

“Everything alright?” Eliott asked.

22:18 p.m. Lucas: yeah, sorry, i had a drink with eliott and lost track of time.

22:19 p.m. Yann: Oooooo. I hope I’m not interrupting! Are you still a virgin?

“Um, yeah, I should go. My friends are wondering where I am,” Lucas glanced up at Eliott, hardly able to look at him. Hard to think that Lucas possibly had a chance with a boy like Eliott.

22:19 p.m. Lucas: no you’re fine. i actually was just leaving. and yes, i am very much a virgin.

22:20 p.m. Yann: Lucas, I don’t want you to walk home by yourself. I‘m sending an uber for you. Send me your location.

22:20 p.m. Lucas: [Lucas shared his location with you]

Lucas stood up and placed his phone in his pocket. He headed for the door and Eliott followed.

“Lucas, are you sure you’re okay?” Eliott asked as Lucas stepped into the hall.

“Yeah, yeah fine. It’s just been a while since I was high,” Lucas lied. Well, not a total lie, but that wasn’t what was causing his sudden urge to bolt. “Been a while, you know?” Eliott nodded.

“I hope you feel better,” Eliott said, placing his hand on Lucas’ shoulder.

As much as Lucas didn’t want to feel the sparks and the butterflies, he did. Lucas smiled and waved before heading down the stairs.

Lucas reached the bottom of the stairs and waited for Uber to arrive. He hugged himself to keep himself warm from the cold breeze that was blowing. How could he be so stupid? Falling for a boy who is out of his league and is straight. He felt like a fool.

The Uber pulled up, rolling down her windows and greeting Lucas. Lucas was about to enter the car when he heard running footsteps and a voice.

“Wait!”

It was Eliott. What could he possibly want out of me? Lucas thought.

“Lucas, wait,” Lucas turned to meet Eliott jogging up to him. “Let me take you out tomorrow.”

“Out? Why?” Lucas asked, gazing up at Eliott. God, that face, he would never get tired of looking at it.

“I want to get to know you,” Eliott explained. Lucas was silent, thinking if he should really continue to break his heart more. “Please, for me, for us.”

Lucas couldn’t pass this up. He might not get his forever with Eliott as lovers, but he couldn’t pass up a forever with him as friends.

“I’d love to, Eliott.”

[thepausedsforzando]

III. The Paused Sforzando

Part I. The End To The Remaining Effort

*******Introduction*******

   It’s been 5 years. 5 years and a month just about. This post looks weird in public because it’s first one. It’s also marked as III. On October 8th, 2019 I nuked my entire Tumblr. Actually, I nuked all 3: hunkee, digitalclothingofhunkee and thepsychologyofdarthvader. That was a heavy day. This series has been shotty and inconsistent, in that gaps have become bigger and the details have lessened. This could likely be due to the feedback and problems I’ve had with people in my posts when I would talk about personal things that were not only private for me but for them. Primarily, these inconsistencies and gaps are because I’ve slowly descended into more of a void of a human being than I ever thought I could be when my life was right. January 6th, 2016. That’s where we last left off. “We” now means, and has always meant, current Matthew, as well as the one who will be reading this. If any Where are we now? Corny, I know, but you wanted to type it.

   I have always dreamed of having a Tumblr where I had literally 0 holdbacks. If it was disturbing or could easily be misunderstood, I’d post it anyway. But coming from a Christian background where the Christian homeschool choirs I was in had its dark pockets of judgement, it, or more than just it, made me severely self-conscious. But that is tied deeper to why I care about what others think, and how their attention makes or breaks me as a human being. But I’m getting head of myself. On purpose.

   hunkee, and it’s other 2 sisters were that of restriction. No more. So many have lost touched, forgotten and abandoned me, so who fucking cares now. I may still care. I’m showing it right now, but I’ll contradict that.

   One thing I will hold back on is the private information of loved ones who never got a voice to choose whether or not to have their private lives posted here. I am transparent and honest to an extreme, and it’s gotten me in trouble more than I ever thought or wanted to. Therefore, what you will be seeing is the second draft, edited to filter out private events out of love and/or respect to those who didn’t get a voice. They will be edited with summaries and I may even redact names or change said names. Those people deserve it. And I should have known back then. But you can’t know everything. I could have learned faster, but respect is being shown nonetheless.

   Alot has happened from January 6th, 2016 to February 5th, 2021. What I choose to be here will be here, and other installments will follow. Where we last left off was- well before I say it, let me show you the progression:

- 2009: The end of my childhood and innocence - 2010: a solid year of happiness in the first chapter of adulthood - 2011: not bad - 2012: The beginning of the dark renaissance; the start of it all - 2013: The Darkness: The darkest point, the breakdown, the intervention and the beginning of me stopping any care and any effort. Laziness became my life. - 2014: The Void: Through trying with little effort, the numbness grew - 2015: I literally forgot most of 2015. The Void at its highest - 2016: The End: The year that I gave up, after 5 years of trying through abandonment. - 2017: Committing to my abandonment. - 2018: Rebirth: The slow growth of the tiniest voice within me. - 2019: Pause #1: Amber - 2020: ugh: - 2021: ugh:

Let’s just begin.

             **************

   As per usual, let’s recap from the 16th. My name is Matthew. I’m 24 and a half years old. I work at Patsco Windshield Repair and had for about a month. I have been living back at my parents now for 2 years and about 4 months. I’d been single for 1 year and 2 months. I still had my Roth IRA and likely got rid of my savings account due to poor management of my money. I had suppressed my love for Amber again, and it wouldn’t be the last time. I was emotionally void after raging and depressing for years. My life had no meaning, nor did I really have many friends or any social interactions. I had a car. I can’t remember what bills I dealt with, but it was likely phone, insurance, health insurance and idk.

   Life at Patsco was pretty lame. I would drive to the corner of a parking lot on a busy road, hold up a sign for a while and repair people’s windshields. Calling insurance companies and cleaning headlights. Great for a high schooler; pathetic that I was there in life at 24. The pay was $12/hr. I forgot if the hours were good. But the best thing that happened then was I read Dante Alighieri’s Inferno. I fell in love with that book. Standing on the grass next to cars at the red light of whatever intersection I was assigned that day. Immersed in the world and loving the darkness. I found beauty in dark things and gravitated towards hateful content. Who would have figured.

   Patsco didn’t last very long. Maybe I got fired, I think I did. My memory has deteriorated so much over the past x amount of years. As has my attention span. And effort. Anyway, it usually takes me 1-3 months to find work, and on April whenever, I became a delivery driver for Jimmy John’s. Yet again, a low end, dead end job. I lasted just about 2 years. I asked Asia to let me stay long enough to make it an even two years, but she couldn’t stand me and it didn’t go that long.

   Amber had either come back or was always there. For private reasons, someone in her life had jealously forbade me to come over and witness the birth of her first child. That didn't fucking happen with her second. I was there. More on that later.

   Remembering 2015, 2016 and 2017 is hard. I'm having to pull up my resume, previous entries of this series and go back to where I was then. By the time Jimmy John’s rolled around, I’d been back home for over 2 and a half years. Being numb and unmotivated, I was also an asshole to live with. I treated my mother horribly. There is much to get into about what I have learned about her over the years and why we clash, but I always handled it wrong and I still do. Too lazy to confront her. She saw me at my worst. Whatever I could do out loud, she mostly saw and had to be the victim of it. She didn’t deserve it.

   What I write about tends to focus on home, mom and dad, work, cars and not much else. I’ve neglected to mention Eva but once. I feel bad that in a forgetful and numb phase, I forgot when I met Eva. I met her on MeetMe, a social app for meeting people that too many guys used as a dating site. It was really, really pathetic. But I was open to meeting a significant other too I bet. There goes the hypocrisy. Take note. I just didn’t advertise it and let whatever unfolded, unfold.  Before I mention Eva, what happened on MeetMe is notable. I just didn’t advertise it and I'd let whatever unfolded unfold. This is where I was at: I met someone who lived across the road from me named Evie. I put what I wanted onto her and god fucking dammit I was creepy. We were barely just talking and I was gushing over her. She was pretty and I wanted to be with someone.

   My obsession with women had always been a tame problem that sprouted when it got to be intense. In 2011, when the neglect started, my creepiness, lack of social interactions and desire to have a girlfriend got weirder. Every girl that was remotely attractive, or not even that attractive was ‘so right for me’ and I’d pursue. Ashley, Andrea, Christa, Amy. I can’t even remember them all. It was every. fucking. woman. that came to Josh's and I's house. Someone I hadn’t been vibing with or talking to in the first place. That’s the key, you get to know someone and if they move that way WITH you, then it’s something. I always bash guys for pursuing if THEY want it, whether they’ve talked to them much or not. In my own way, I did that. I just didn’t assert myself as hard because in this context, it would have been awkward.

   Evie casually told me where she worked. We were barely acquaintances and had never met or even had each others’ numbers. And when I saw she was getting off work one night, I bought her the candy she said she loved and walked over to her in front of the store at night, basically a total stranger, and gave her the Reese’s after clarifying who I was. She was extremely quiet. I bet she didn’t eat those candies because she thought the psycho who I guess you could say stalked her poisoned them and is going to kidnap her. Fuck me that was stupid. But that’s where I was at. My desire got stronger and more obsessive over these 4 years. This might have happened in 2015. Either way, I was doing things that were not Matthew. Using a woman for sex, stalking one, and Naomi....Poor Naomi.

   We were talking as friends. She was beautiful. I wanted someone. She did NOT want to find a significant other. When she was reaching out for someone to talk to, it was a friend to confide in. And she made that clear. I lowkey pursued her romantically. We’d meet down the street of her house and park in a parking lot close by. We’d talk deeply, about her hard life. And I would be there for her. Once I told her my intentions, we stopped talking. She was upset, and had every right to be. When I was pursuing Amber 3 years prior, I was putting her newborn to sleep and said ‘can you say “daddy?”’...............................it’s hard for me to bring that up because as wrong as it was and I probably knew at the time, now I can’t....I can’t even explain the awkwardness and shame I feel for saying that. Like I devolved from already clingy/kinda obsessive/maybe on occasion creepy to.....that. To a newborn whose mother....I can’t remember if she liked me at that time. I think she did. ReGARDLESS.

   The last time I wasn’t like this was Ana. in late 2011/early2012. I was never perfect as I’ve said like 3 times with regards to my intense emotions towards girlfriends. Hell, I wasn’t bad at all to Nicole. But this loneliness, that was a combination of my fault and other things that made me do things I regret. I had my first one night stand years ago. Attaining friends was through the screen of my phone. I couldn’t make friends. I lost my ability to be social. I became more socially awkward. Pursuing women wasn’t successful, and my desire had gone out of control.

   Here I am, miles away from the original point: Eva. She was a female and I was looking for a relationship. Desiring love, affection and to get fucking laid. It came in the form of many creepy endeavors. I wasn’t as terrible with Eva. I liked her because I liked every female that came in contact with me. So it wasn’t even genuine when I told her. But we got past that. Wasn’t trying to get in her pants or anything heinous. But as that small phase passed, for the first time in years, I gained a friend. I made a new friend........it’s not that it’s hard, but was for me. I can’t think of the last time I made a new friend. But I hit the jackpot. No one is more loyal than Eva.

   She was an actual friend. She listened to me. I listened to her. We cared for each other. She invited me to her house and to outings with her friends. She cared about me. Someone finally did. It was nothing to her. Like it should be nothing to anyone else: you have friends and you spend time with them. But it was the universe and all its stars to me. I made a big deal out of it for reasons you already know. She was the true friend I needed, but got so late. I felt included, I felt cared about and I felt wanted. I think she’d even text me first! That doesn’t exist anymore! She became a bright spot, but it didn’t change what was coming.

   I got mad at Jimmy John’s. Aggressive driving, maybe dealing with the occasional dick ‘cause I was in an upper middle class (some would say rich) area of town. Having been void for so long, I felt I was at a dead end. I think I was friends with Eva by then. I had only been at Jimmy John’s for a month, not even. 2 days before Mother’s Day was when it finally happened.

   Despite the angel that had come into my life, I was still lazy and numb, but I feel I was more angry at this point. Regardless, on May 6th, 2016, I officially gave up. From neglect to anger to depression to laziness, it had all culminated to this. It came in waves: neglect, anger, depression, suicidal ideation, hopelessness, self-attack, breakdown, intervention, self-abandonment, extreme sloth, numbness beyond the realm of textual representation, sick of my state, denying help, anger and then release. Release of it all. When I say ‘I gave up’, that seems so small in text, but defined ‘the rest of my life’. This had been culminating for 4 years and I finally just gave up. Career? never. Healthy diet? never. Friends? They already all left me so nothing’s gonna change ‘cause it hasn’t. Love? either I said I can’t ‘cause of my mental state or idk. Being happy? it hasn’t been possible.

    I adopted a new phrase: Until death. It kept repeating in my head. I had a new set of goals and motivation in my life. My goal was to avoid being happy. It was to never seek love or really get anything serious, idk. My goal was never to get a better paying job, but get enough just to live on my own. Push everyone away, not get lied to by people’s flakiness. Be in a shitty apartment and watch my 30′s, 40′s, 50′s and maybe even 60′s alone. Eat junk food and clog my arteries as no one cares and everyone has forgotten me. What’s the use. I tried. I FUCKING TRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I couldn’t do it. After 4 years, I was alone, I had no social life, I couldn’t score a woman and I was too creepy to even get close to the first step, I had eaten junk food most of my life and it was affecting my mental and physical health, I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t advance because I couldn’t stay long enough, my mental health was blocking my success rate before I started telling people it was blocking my success rate, I was at odds with my parents, Missy was in Chicago, no matter what I did I just couldn’t progress. It wasn’t worth it. I just let it go. My life and my desire to be happy. And that was a commitment. Hard as it would be for my family to have to endure that, I didn’t do it for them. And they didn’t have to suffer. But they did.

   Missy graduated the year we're talking about now. To preface that, the whole family had vacationed to New Orleans sometime.....2014? idk, but my mental state and circumstances had made me a recluse. My family was outgoing, talking with Uber drivers and the person kind enough to let us use their house instead of a hotel. They experienced New Orleans and were having fun. But not me. I was not fully there. I was withholding myself from participating. I was quiet. if you knew me when I was myself, I was the opposite of quiet and shy. But the darkness had just become me. I was barely participating, sitting away from people and not saying a word, focusing on rooting my phone and occasionally talking about it, not talking to humans outside of my family and not speaking with a sad, distant, vacant expression.

    I learned something through my silence. Usually, if there were family problems, I’d be overly involved and not able to think straight ‘cause I’m thinking of all the perspectives and dividing my attention up multifold. I wasn’t like this in New Orleans. When I said nothing, I got to listen more; I got to see what I hadn’t seen all this time. Or at least what I didn’t bring into focus all my life. And that was more true sides of my family through their interactions. The fighting over nothing and people from different perspectives. The escalations and how my family just doesn’t understand each other. If anyone else is reading this but me, you can learn more than you can possibly imagine when you say little to nothing, sit back and let the conversation you normally are involved in happen in front of you. Don’t interact, just let it happen. Watch what you don’t pick up. Our compassion is valid; we can also get carried away and not notice what’s fully going on right in front of our faces.

    Much changed from that much as I used to. Optimism is ideal in moderation, as is everything else. My father was so aperspective shift. I learned more about where we are as a family and I didn’t brush it under the rug as ngry that my standout silence and being a weird, burdensome stick in the mud of a family vacation was affecting everyone and our time together. Not to mention my sister moved out...........2013? I forget. She had been in Chicago so we don’t see her everyday. Things had changed. I had moved back, but for a small amount of time, mom and dad had the place to themselves. That part of your kids growing up and leaving. He confronted me angrily and I learned something else by what he said. You would think he would say something based on how I’ve prefaced this, but instead what uttered from is angry face was:

“Do you have any idea how much money I’ve spent?!”

    Sometimes, maybe many times, the way you say something or the first thing you say reflects where your focus is at. I disagree this is always the case. But in that moment, I believe as a man whose life revolved around providing for his family for 20 years, became focused on that primarily. The man can love. The man loves him family incomprehensibly. Never doubt that. But I learned not only of his perspective but how men (traditionally and mostly) make their life’s purpose of providing....larger than love, communication and interaction. All of that is still there in my father at this point, but when it wasn’t, I learned why.

    Back to the point, Missy was graduating. I had been at Jimmy John’s a bit and even though New Orleans was a while ago, I only got worse for vacations. And going to Chicago was..........terrible. My sister had always been a social butterfly and extravertive. Our personalities were now white and black. I didn’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t know how to socialize. I didn’t want to. I’d been burned so much that I forgot how to be a human being, and also tried not to be. The silence and seclusion as people were in my sister’s living room, talking, was bizarre. People would kindly ask me about me and raise small talk and I don’t remember how much I’d say if I said anything. I think I’d straight up ignore people. It was extremely awkward. I was introvertive, shy, quiet, ignoring and reserved like I was an extreme trauma victim or a mute (no offence meant to either an victim of a crippling trauma or mutes). My sister was in love and trying with this man that turned out to be an asshole. But at the time, my sister was showing me her life and a very important man in her life and I was just letting it pass me by. Was it as simple as just getting over it? Faking it and putting on a face? That, is the opposite of who I am, and I couldn’t just shake this off. I was alone for 4 years and upset about it. It changed me so much that you don’t just pull out of that. Who Matthew IS. PERIOD. at this point. IS. too far gone from who he really is and so deeply warped and shaped by his depression that who he IS is hopeless and functionless.

    Her boyfriend got me a present. I practically said nothing. I watched my sister graduate. I don’t remember it. This is trauma. This has affected my caring, my memory and my attention span. I’m not myself or a functioning human. PSA: it is possible to get out of the habit of many things you don’t think you could get out of the habit of. Like social interaction, how to talk to people, react to things. It wasn’t the darkest point, but such a troublesome time. I was 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% darkness and 00.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% myself. There has always been a voice inside that never wanted this. That disagreed with the (verbal) self harm I’d convince myself. After a while, if you tell yourself the same thing, whether it’s good or destructive, you’ll believe it. You’ll trick you mind. Same thing with your environment. You become affected and accustomed to your environment to some extent. When you don’t realize it.

But this was never me. Me just got smaller. The darkness took over. The darkness was my Caretaker, which leads me to...

[asking-jude]

I met P almost a year ago. we became good friends, he said he considers me a part of his life. We do talk/hang out whenever possible but he lives 1 hour away and doesn't use social media so it's not that often. Anyway. I had other crushes in the meantime, even one almost BF. I can't forget about P though. I don't know if it's a crush or I'm in love with him. I'd tell him but it would hurt too much to lose him as a friend if it goes wrong.

Hi love, 

This is a tricky situation. On the one hand, you want to tell him how you feel, but on the other hand, you don’t want to lose him if he doesn’t feel the same way. Being afraid of losing him as a friend or your relationship changing if you tell him how you feel is valid and normal. 

However, I think you should try not to negatively think about what could happen if you tell P you like him. It’s effortless to fall into these “thinking traps,” and they can blow a situation out of proportion or keep us from getting something we want. Based on I read, I can tell that you are “catastrophizing” and “fortune-telling” the outcome of admitting your feelings to P. “Catastrophizing” is when we imagine the worst possible outcome, and “fortune-telling” is when we predict a result of a situation. In reality, we don’t know what will happen. Here is more information on thinking traps: https://www.anxietycanada.com/sites/default/files/ThinkingTraps.pdf: Here is a guide on how to counteract these types of thoughts: https://heartmindonline.org/resources/how-to-stop-negative-thoughts.

I think that it will be an excellent idea that you tell yourself that “I like P a lot. I want to tell him, but I’m scared that I’ll lose him. However, I don’t know for sure if I will lose him or that things will change.” 

I’m not an expert on knowing how crushes or being in love feels like. It’s okay not to be sure. Although, I did find these articles that may help you decide whether you are in love with him or if it’s just a crush: 

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a56745/signs-its-more-than-a-crush/. 

https://medium.com/@sahillvermaa/here-is-the-difference-between-love-crush-and-infatuation-82218944411a. 

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/do-i-have-a-crush-or-is-it-real-love/. 

Telling P that you like him is ultimately your decision. You have to be comfortable with telling him. You don’t need to rush anything if you are not ready. I found these articles to help you figure out when you should tell P that you like him: 

https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/a26324989/how-to-tell-someone-you-like-them/. 

https://www.elitedaily.com/p/should-you-tell-your-crush-how-you-really-feel-these-6-signs-point-toward-yes-17008170. 

In addition to the resources above, I recommend that you utilize helplines are added support. It would be helpful to talk to someone about your anxiety and fear over telling P your feelings. Hotlines are free, confidential, and available 24/7. Remember, you can reach out to your closest friends for support and advice as well. Here are my recommendations: 

Crisis Text Line: Text “HOME” to 741741 to speak with a counselor. 

7 Cups of Tea: Visit www.7cups.com or download their app (IOS or Google play) to create an account. Once you have, you can start chatting with listeners or attend group sessions on numerous topics like relationships. 

CONTACT Helpline is an emotional support line-Call 800-932-4616 to speak with a counselor. 

I hope that when you are ready to tell P about your crush, he feels the same way. If he doesn’t, then that is okay. I know it will hurt if that is the case, but I am optimistic that you won’t lose him as a friend or that your relationship will change. If you need any more help with this or anything else, please don’t hesitate to come back to Asking Jude. 

Love,

Meggan

Asking Jude has moved to its OWN platform at askingjude.org. We will still be answering submissions on Asking Jude, but the new website’s submissions will take priority. We highly recommend you create an account on Asking Jude’s website, so you can receive 24/7 support from the Asking Jude Team and our community members. 

[let-it-raines]

BotB prompt: After the last chapter, I’m definitely going to need a flashback to when Emma told Killian that she was pregnant. Please and thank you!!

@onceuponaprincessworld: After that prompt in botb I would love to see how Killian has to travel for work to promote a movie and Emma finds out that she is pregnant or already know it and how they deal with the distance in that plan. Thank you!

It’s funny because before I got your prompt @onceuponaprincessworld I already had this prompt written this way, so great minds must think alike😘

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 | Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30

-/-

When Emma wakes up, her neck aches, some of the muscles very obviously pulled, and tentatively, she stretches out a bit, lifting her head off of her pillow and reaching over to her left to feel the cold sheets next to her. It’s a habit, one that she isn’t really fond of, but she does it nearly every morning. It’s almost like she’s forgotten that Killian isn’t home, forgotten that he’s not going to be next to her when she wakes up in the mornings. For at least those first fifteen seconds of waking, the light coming back to her eyes, she thinks that she’s going to see the rise and fall of his chest, the soft smile that graces his lips when he sleeps, the long, dark lashes landing against his cheeks.

But he’s not there.

And she knows she’s being dramatic. She really does. Going into this relationship, she never quite knew what to expect, but once she was in, she was all in. And if being in meant having to be separated from her husband so that he could be happy with his career, she was fine with that. She is fine with that.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss Killian.

He’s her best friend, the person she trusts most in life, and he’s currently in Prague filming. Prague is decidedly not Santa Monica, and she wishes it was.

Two more weeks.

She can wait two more weeks until he’s home for a long, long time, and then she is not letting him out of her sight for, like, a month. She has work. He has obligations. They have friends and family. That’s never going to happen, but she can at least have him all to herself for a weekend. They deserve that.

For all the talking and video chatting they can do, there’s nothing quite like being able to feel the strength and warmth of his arms around her before she goes to bed or in the evenings when they’re cooking dinner and Killian tries to distract her by running his lips across her jaw and coaxing her out of making whatever it is that she’s making…as if she’s the one who makes dinner most often when that’s usually Killian.

So two more weeks.

They can do two more weeks.

After running her hand over the sheets and the comforter one more time, she rolls over to her nightstand to unplug her phone, turning the brightness down, and pressing her thumb down to open up her notifications.

Ruby: What was the nail polish that I let you borrow? I can’t remember the name, and Dorothy wants to use it.

Mary Margaret: Do you have any time off this month? I was thinking about the boys and I coming to visit?

David: lol.

She fires off responses to all of them except for David’s text, not having anything else to add to him laughing at a joke about detectives that she sent him last night while she was wide awake and he was fast asleep. Half of the people she talks to are in different time zones, and it can get the tiniest bit confusing.

Seriously. Killian is nine hours ahead of her.

Killian: Good morning, darling. I hope you slept well. I have a pretty normal filming schedule today, so I’ll call you before I go to bed, yeah? I love you.

Emma: I love you too. I hope you’re having a good day!

Turning some music on her phone and connecting it to the speakers installed throughout the house, she slowly climbs out of bed, her head a bit groggy this morning, and tries to make quick work of taking a shower. But she stays under the warm spray for much longer than she should, letting the water work out the aches in her shoulders and the still tense pinch in her neck. Damn, did she sleep on it wrong. Obviously her bed is not her friend lately, and that’s her favorite place in the world.

Talk about betrayal.

Eventually she turns the water off and gets out of the shower, moving the soft towel over her legs and her body before grabbing another one and wrapping her hair on top of her head. She has absolutely no idea where her robe is, probably in the laundry room somewhere, so she grabs Killian’s off of his hook and wraps it around her, tying it at the waist to combat some of the chill from the air conditioning blowing on full blast. She doesn’t even want to think about their power bill for this month, but honestly, it’s worth it for how warm it’s been this summer.

Seriously. It’s been miserably hot. She misses winter, which is something she never would have said living in Boston.

(She misses Boston too, but this move was the right decision. She doesn’t regret it.)

After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she grabs her phone and walks downstairs, opening the curtains and blinds as she goes to let in some natural light, the sound of the ocean coming through the open back doors that lead out to the deck. She’s not really feeling like eating, but she knows that she needs to. She’ll forget otherwise, and then when she goes to Liam and Elsa’s for dinner tonight, she’ll go through their entire pantry, which is much less acceptable to do than gorging out on her own food. But nothing seems good, the cereal and bagels unappealing, the eggs and anything she has to cook even more so, and the only thing that she will even consider is a grapefruit…which may or may not be rotting.

It’s fine. She’ll go grocery shopping tomorrow…and also pick up all of the clothes and glasses that she has scattered throughout the house. It’s not that messy, something she’s worked on since messes drive Killian crazy, but if she knows her husband at all, he’ll come home, take her to bed, and then wake up to go and clean the house. So obviously she needs to clean up a little bit more, maybe break out a duster.

Dusting is the worst.

This view of the beach, though, is the best.

She and Killian have found that most of their time since they moved back (well, since Killian moved back and she moved for the first time) has been spent out on the covered deck or in their bedroom with the doors leading out to the balcony wide open. The sound of the ocean is a background noise she always wants, so she turns off the music on her phone, the guitars fading from the speakers, and sits on the cushioned swing, slightly swaying back and forth while she sips on her water and watches the shoreline. Their neighbor has her dog running through the water, the golden retriever leaping into the air to catch its toy, and Emma wonders if they should get a pet. She’s not sure how that would work during the times when they’re both gone, but it’d probably be nice to have a dog or a cat around when it’s just her, at least so there’s more noise than the air conditioning and the televisions that she leaves on at night.

But then again, Killian is coming home soon and she’ll have no need to replace him with a cat.

Wait. That sounds weird. She’s not replacing him with a cat, though they probably have the same amount of hair.

Whatever. She’ll think about it and bring it up with Killian sometime soon.

Her phone dings next to her, and she looks down expecting a text back from Killian or Mary Margaret only to see a notification that makes her stop breathing.

Seriously. Her breath hitches, her stomach rolls, and her mind starts running a marathon when she hasn’t gotten the chance to even lace up her sneakers.

You haven’t tracked your period lately! Make sure to update all information so we can monitor your cycles as accurately as possible.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy freaking shit.

(Why did she just censor herself in the middle of a curse?)

While her heart decides to drop to her stomach and beat at what has to be an unhealthy amount of beats per minute, she clumsily attempts to unlock her phone, her thumb not being recognized so that she has to type in her wedding date for her screen to open up to her period tracker app. Her mind is so frazzled that nothing is really clear to her, not even the screen in front of her, and it’s because she’s trying to remember the last time she had her period. Her app says she hasn’t logged it since May, which means she didn’t do that in June or when her period was supposed to start two days ago.

And that’s fine. It really is. Two days is nothing. Two days is barely anything. And so what that she didn’t track anything last month. It’s an app. She forgot. Plus, she very well could have had her period last month without typing it into her phone. That’s possible. Not everything has to be logged into her phone to be real.

But did she have her period?

She honestly can’t remember. And it’s not like she can ask Killian. He hasn’t been here. He’s been thousands of miles away.

Shit.

Killian totally would have noticed, and he definitely can’t help her figure this out. Because she definitely can’t tell Killian that she’s trying to figure out if she missed her period…which means she’s trying to figure out if she’s –

Pregnant.

Well, there’s a word that she didn’t think she’d be thinking for a solid few months, maybe a year. Maybe even two.

Woah.

It’s not that they haven’t talked about it. They have. Killian is very big on talking things out even when she isn’t quite ready. They’ve talked about kids before, talked about the fact that they both want one, maybe two if the first one doesn’t kill them, but then back in March they’d been sitting in bed sharing a bag of chips while watching Stranger Things and Killian brought it up. It made sense. It really did. It’d been a gradually growing conversation, the lead up building, but when her face was stuffed with several salt and vinegar chips, she wasn’t really expecting to have to talk about the reality of what it would be like to have a baby and know that there’s the possibility of her having to raise the baby by herself if Killian is away. And then also how that can impact their future, impact their kid’s future. She knows that Killian wants to work less, or work closer to home more frequently, once they start their family, and that’s something they were talking about.

They were talking about trying when he got home.

It might be a little late for that.

Or early, really. She could be ahead of the game.

When in the world did she miss a pill?

Taking a deep breath, she tries to turn her mind off but can’t. She really is ahead of herself. She has no idea if she’s even pregnant yet, and she needs to take a test. But she most definitely does not want to take a test by herself, does not want to be sitting in the bathroom all alone when she finds out if her jeans aren’t about to fit in a few months (because that’s obviously the most important thing) and have no one know this secret but her, so she needs to shut this thought process down until Killian gets home.

Two weeks.

She can do two weeks.

By the time two o’clock rolls around, she’s spent the entire morning deep cleaning the house, deciding to take her worries and frustrations out on the things she needs to do, and she almost completely forgets that she could have an entire human being inside of her uterus.

(She’s a liar. She definitely doesn’t come anywhere near to forgetting.)

But then her phone rings, Killian’s face popping up on the screen from his contact, and she nearly vomits with nerves over the fact that she’s about to not tell him the reason she’s having a meltdown.

The vomiting thing is probably a sign, which is really a horrible symptom, and there should definitely be some kind of solution to that.

“Hello, beautiful,” Killian sighs, and she can practically feel his smile on the other end of the line, thousands of miles away in a hotel bed that’s not theirs. “How’s your Saturday?”

“It’s good.” That may be a lie. That may be the truth. She has no idea. “I slept in, cleaned a bit. I’m going to go to your brother’s for dinner later.”

“Emma Jones, you cleaned?” he gasps, and she rolls her eyes imagining him sitting shirtless in his room with his hand dramatically thrown over his heart. “Are you dying? Is there something you need to tell me?”

“No,” she blurts out, definitely too quickly before she scrambles to cover that up, “I just knew that if I didn’t clean now, I’d never have it up to your standards by the time you got home.”

“Love, all I care about when I get home is the fact that you’re going to be there.”

“Charmer.”

“Undoubtedly.”

“You’re definitely going to care about how clean the house is.”

“Eh.”

“Babe.”

“Love of my life.”

“Oh my God,” she groans, tossing the wipe she was cleaning the bookshelves with in the bin and walking toward the couch, falling back against the cushions and turning the phone on speaker before placing it on her chest, “you can’t just say things like that.”

“I can’t say the truth?”

“Not when you know you’re going to get me all flustered with it.”

“To be fair, love, you already seemed pretty flustered. You are cleaning, after all.”

“Hey, again. I clean.”

“Debatable.”

“KJ, I can change the locks on the house.”

“There’s always the windows. Hell, I’ll climb the damn balcony.”

She laughs despite herself and reaches down to tug at the robe she’s still wearing, pulling on the string before running her hand over her stomach, almost unconsciously. The words are on the tip of her tongue ready to be spilled, but she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know if she’s right, if the words are true, but the one thing that she does know is that if she tells Killian she thinks she’s pregnant now, he won’t stop worrying about her until his feet step inside of this house.

And there’s still the fact that she doesn’t want to take the test alone.

Pushing it all aside. That’s what she’s going to do.

“You’ll climb the balcony to get to me?” she asks instead, going along with the conversation.

“I’ll climb the balcony to get to my bed. If you happen to be in it, so be it.”

“There you go charming me again.”

“I try.”

She and Killian talk until his words are a little slurred, sleep calling him more than she is, so she tells him goodbye and that she loves him, chanting that two more weeks mantra to him before she, too, falls asleep, waking hours later with pillow marks on her face and her phone flashing five seventeen, a little under an hour until she’s supposed to be at Liam’s.

She hasn’t even put on underwear yet. That’s probably something she should do. They’re family, but there are some things that family does not need to see. Her vagina is one of those.

Her thoughts get weirder every day.

Thirty minutes later she’s dressed in a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt, her hair underneath a baseball hat, and letting herself into Elsa’s house after knocking on the door, which is really only a courtesy since Liam tends to barge into their house…still. After one too many times walking in on she and Killian, she really figured he’d learn to wait for them to answer the door.

“Hey,” Elsa calls over her shoulder when Emma walks into the kitchen, “how are you?”

“Um, good,” she mumbles, sitting down at a barstool and tapping her fingers against the countertop, wishing she had something to settle her stomach and all of the unease that she’s going through. Her mind will not calm down, and she really needs to calm down. “How are you?”

“Great. It’s so hot, isn’t it? Liam is outside on the playset with Aiden, and they’re both going to be drenched when they come in. But Aiden insisted, you know?”

“Yeah.”

She taps her fingers again, thinking about Aiden and Liam and the bond that they have. If she and Killian have a son, will they have a bond like Aiden and Liam? Would it even matter if it was a boy? Killian would have a bond with a daughter too. So would she. But there’s something so cute about watching Liam with Aiden even if Aiden is the spitting image of Elsa.

Genetics and all that.

How would that work for her kid?

Her hypothetical kid.

“Emma?”

“Uh huh?”

“You want to stop playing an entire piano concert on my counter and tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“There’s nothing,” she lies, her voice a squeak as she looks up at Elsa and smiles, hoping that it’s a normal smile. “I have nothing on my mind except for how good that pasta smells. And the bread. I love your garlic bread.”

Elsa raises a perfectly groomed brow and flicks her braid over her shoulder, leaning forward and propping her elbows up on the island. “Emma, you can talk to me. You know that, right? You’re kind of going through a lot right now, and you can’t pretend that you’re not. You stay with us too often for me to not know how hard Killian being away is for you.”

“I’m fine.”

Elsa nods her head up and down once, twice, three times before tilting it back to her cabinets. “Do you want something to drink? I bought this new wine that I – ”

“No, I’m good,” she blurts out, completely and totally ready to bury her face in this granite. “I’ve got to drive home, and I really don’t think I want anything to drink.”

“Mmm, okay. Do you want to go to lunch this week? I think there’s this really great sushi place downtown that just opened.”

“Sure. I lo – oh, um, can we get something other than sushi? I think I’m going to give up fish.”

“Why?”

“A new diet or whatever. I’ve gained a few pounds.”

Lie.

They’re all lies.

When did she turn into such a bad liar?

“Ah,” Elsa sighs, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, “I get it. I, too, gained weight when I was pregnant. Though, I don’t think it was when I was as early on as you. Maybe you’re having twins.”

Every word that she knows flees from her brain. Every single one. She’s not sure if it’s the thought of her having twins or if Elsa has caught her in her lies, but honestly, it’s mostly the fact that she was caught that quickly.

Damn.

Elsa really is some kind of magical being who can read she and Killian far too well. It’s creepy and wonderful and terrifying all at once.

And she could most definitely cry right now simply because she is feeling all kinds of overwhelmed.

Emma leans forward to rest her face in her hands on the countertop, the cool marble refreshing. “How did you know?” she mumbles into her skin. “I don’t even know for sure.”

“It was a guess, but the no to wine and no to sushi, two things that you love, were a pretty big clue. Plus, you’re acting like a strung-out maniac.” She feels Elsa’s hand on her back, and when she opens her eyes, she can see that she’s moved to the other side of the counter to sit on the barstool next to her. “Have you taken a test?”

“I just realized I’d missed my period today. And I may have missed last month’s too. But, like, I haven’t been nauseous or anything, so I didn’t think about it. I honestly figured it was stress related.”

Elsa nods her head up and down, a soft smile on her face as she continues to rub Emma’s back. “I have some tests upstairs – no, I am not pregnant, but I had a scare a few weeks ago and bought, like, every test in the CVS I went to. Why don’t you go take one, just so you have a bit more peace of mind about it? And then when Killian comes home, you’ll either have some really great news to share or you can tell him about the time that you peed on a stick in his brother’s house with absolutely no context.”

She huffs, unable to stop herself or the twisting feeling inside of her, before leaning over on the stool and hugging Elsa, wanting all of the comfort and support that she can get since the rest of her support system are scattered across the country.

And the world.

Elsa asks if Emma wants her to come with to take the test, but she says that it’s alright, that she’d kind of like to do this part alone if she can’t have Killian with her. Even opening the box is nerve-wracking, but the worst part is definitely the waiting two minutes to find out if she’s going to be a mom a little bit sooner than she was expecting.

The phrase what to expect when you’re expecting comes to mind, and she feels like that can’t even really encompass everything.

How in the world do people do this every day?

It’s like a mixture of excitement and terror, and the only other place she’s ever felt like this is a rollercoaster.

That’s actually a pretty good metaphor for having a baby.

And according to the positive sign on the test, she is having one.

Wow.

It’s a lot to take in, but over the next two weeks, she becomes more accustomed to the fact. It helps that she makes a doctor’s appointment, gets it confirmed, finds out that her due date is February fifteenth, and that she is definitely not having twins.

She’s been secretly worried about that ever since Elsa made the joke.

That would be…overwhelming.

Mostly, though, as much as she’s gotten used to the idea, gotten excited about the idea, all she’s wanted to do was share it with Killian. And she’s not about to tell him he’s going to be a dad without him being in the same place as her. This is too big of a thing for her not to be able to hug him afterwards.

But he’s in the taxi on the way to the house right now, and she could throw up out of excitement. And the morning sickness that finally hit her, but that’s not what she wants to think about right now.

She’s definitely wearing down a hole into their hardwood from all of her pacing.

Her phone dings with an alert that there’s movement at the gate to the house, and her stomach does this actual swooping thing that should not at all be possible. It very apparently is, though. And while she’s never been a woman to want to run into someone’s arms out of excitement, that’s changed ever since she met Killian. When they were dating and had been apart for awhile, getting to see his face, even if it was for a day, was the greatest day. Now that she’s living apart from her friends, when she gets to go to Boston to see them, she most definitely runs into Ruby’s arms to hug the living daylights out of her. The same with David and Mary Margaret and their kids. And now that Killian’s been gone for months, she pretty much feels like her legs are going to launch her over the fence instead of into his arms.

Who knew it was possible to miss someone this much?

She guesses she did.

Instead of waiting inside like a sane person, she tosses her phone down onto the couch, and quickly walks outside, not even bothering to put shoes on. Her throat closes for a moment when she sees him, her eyes trying to take him in and catalog all of the differences and similarities all at once as he unloads his bags from the back of the car.

“Hey, Jones,” she calls out, running down the steps as he turns around, his hair flipping with the movement.

“Emma,” he laughs, his smile practically taking up his entire face.

God, she missed that smile.

It’s all a blur as she runs forward, her body colliding with his as her arms wrap around his neck and his arms wrap around her shoulders, tugging her closer so that she’s fully pressed against him. He’s solid, just like always, and his heat overwhelms her as she smells the slightest bit of his cologne mixing in with that awful airplane smell that seems to happen whenever anyone so much as steps into an airport.

He’s home.

“I missed you, Swan,” he murmurs into her ear, rubbing his hand up and down her back as he starts trailing his lips along her jawline, electric sparks spreading across every nerve ending that she has, some of them probably twice.

“I missed you, KJ.” She pulls back to look at him, her hands moving up his neck to cup his cheeks, thumbs tracing over his scruff and his freckles and everything as she looks at the blue eyes that she loves so much but has only been able to see through a video screen. And then she presses up on her toes and kisses him, kisses him like a woman who hasn’t been able to kiss her husband in months, a woman starved of the love and compassion that she’s been without for far too long. It’s all like coming to that safe comfort of home, which is perfect since he’s back and everything is in its right place.

“Hey, man, I need you to get your bags so I can go,” the taxi driver calls out at them, the displeasure in his voice obvious, and she and Killian break apart with blush on both of their cheeks.

“Sorry about that,” Killian grumbles, very obviously not too sorry about it, before he turns around to grab his backpack out of the backseat, handing the driver some cash, and closing the trunk before he drives off. “I don’t think that man liked watching you make out with me, Swan.”

“What’s not to like about it?”

“Exactly,” he winks, grabbing her hips and pulling her closer so that he can softly glide his lips over hers, his tongue quickly licking into her mouth in a burst of heat and pleasure before he’s retreating. “Darling, will you grab the black bag? I have no idea how I managed to pack so much stuff.”

“Sounds like a plan, Stan.”

Killian reaches forward and slaps her ass, making her jump. “I missed that idiotic phrase.”

“As you should have.”

She picks up the black bag off the ground as Killian takes his others, the two of them carry them to the front door and placing them inside before Killian closes the front door and pushes her against it, her back hitting the wood as his hand snakes up underneath her shirt, warm flesh against her skin, and his lips start working at her neck, vibrations trembling down her spine.

“I have thought of you every day.” He punctuates each word with a kiss or a teasing of her skin with teeth, and she nearly melts right then and there at the deep rumble of his accent. “I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to do something like that again.”

“I love you,” she gasps out as his hand starts to fumble with the waistband of her leggings, yanking them down as heat curls between her thighs. But it’s then that she remembers that she has something kind of big to tell him. How could she possibly forget? “Wait, wait. Killian, wait.”

He pulls back, his head retreating into his neck as his brows raise and his eyes scan her face, typical Killian 101 trying to figure out what exactly is going on with her even as his hands still run across her stomach, itching to go beneath her leggings once more.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Nothing, nothing,” she promises, swiping her thumb across the apple of his cheek as her stomach does that twisting thing again. She needs it to stop. “It’s just that, well, I’m pregnant.”

It’s not the smoothest way to tell her husband that they’re going to be parents, but when has she even been smooth and graceful and perfect with her words? Never. He blinks a few times, his lashes landing against his cheeks, and when his lips part, she expects some kind of word, but it’s really more of a…squawk? Is that the right word? She has no idea.

“KJ?”

He blinks once more before leaning forward to press his forehead against hers, his nose pressing into her cheek and his lips lightly brushing over hers as he speaks. “You’re pregnant? We’re having a baby?”

“I mean, technically I am the one having a baby, but you helped us get there.”

“Thank goodness I’m the father. I was unsure for a minute.”

“Shut up, you idiot,” she laughs, shoving at his chest to move him away only for him to pull her closer.

“I may be an idiot, but I’m the father of your baby. You can’t change that.”

“This is not how you were supposed to react.”

“How was I supposed to react?”

“I don’t know. With affection or something?”

“Me teasing you about the paternity of our baby isn’t affection?”

“Eh, maybe.”

“If it’s a boy, we should name it Stan.”

She barks out a laugh, her head falling backwards, and everything in her life rights itself. Killian is home, he’s teasing her, and he’s so unbelievably happy that her stomach finally settles.

This is perfect.

“I am not doing that.”

“I was kidding,” he teases, pressing his lips against hers once, twice, three times.

“Were you though?”

“Possibly.” He fumbles around under her shirt until he’s pulling his hand out and grabbing onto her left wrist, brushing his lips on her wrist dot in the way that she’s missed, the romantic fool. “I love you, and this is by far the best welcome home I’ve ever received.”

“I know. I’ll probably never be able to live up to it.”

“You can always try.”

“Eh, too much effort.”

Killian chuckles before kissing her wrist again, holding it to his lips as his eyes close and a soft smile forms on his face. “My love, I will always be happy to see you, both of you.”

-/-

@ultraluckycatnd @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog  @andiirivera   @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings  @notoriouscs @mariakov81  @jonirobinson64  @ultimiflos @idristardis @galaxyzxstark @thejollyroger-writer @lifeinahole27 @bmbbcs4evr

[streamacademe]

Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies.  So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post. 

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about. 

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such. 

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days,  refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic. 

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going. 

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to  looking after yourself and avoiding burnout. 

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm. 

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s. 

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all. 

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times. 

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night. 

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD. 

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be. 

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off  the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in. 

How I try to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work. 

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately. 

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back. 

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia. 

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone). 

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.  

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace. 

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

[cindylouwho-2]

RECENT NEWS, RESOURCES & STUDIES, early October 2019

Welcome to my latest summary of recent news, resources & studies including search, analytics, content marketing, social media & ecommerce! This covers articles I came across in the first part of October, although some may be older than that.

[I am out of town for nearly a week in late October, so don’t expect another update until the end of the month at the earliest.]

Just a reminder - you don’t need to read everything here! I try to organize the material by topic and provide a brief summary so that you can easily skip things you don’t need to read. 

I’ve tried to improve the layout for better readability, by bolding key words in each paragraph - do you find that helpful, or too hard on the eyes?  Leave a comment below, email me through my website, or send me a message on Twitter.

TOP NEWS & ARTICLES 

14 elements that will help your product pages get sales. Trust badges & reviews can really make a difference. Also, here’s a really simple explanation of how your descriptions should try to sell the product: “Bridge the gap between features and benefits: A feature is essentially a fact about your product or offer. The benefit mainly answers how a feature is useful for your customer. Tell them exactly “how” a particular feature is useful for them, and “why” they should make this purchase. Product descriptions that bridge the gap between features and benefits can lessen buyer’s guilt and ease the buying decision.” 

It’s time for holiday season forecasts! Halloween spending is expected to be steady. While some are predicting up to a 4-5% increase in US November-December retail spending this year, others are worried about consumer debt. There is still “a stubborn wealth gap in the United States that appears to be once again worsening and in fact is "the biggest it’s ever been." The Gini index, a standard economic measure of income inequality, for the U.S. in 2018 was "significantly higher" than 2017, after widening steadily for the last 50 years, according to a Sept. 26 report from the U.S. Census Bureau.” Note that online retailers are finding that the holiday season is less crucial than it used to be, since people shop online all year now. “...the holiday season accounted for almost 24% of all retailers’ sales in the late 1990s, but is closer to 21% today.” Finally, “A late Thanksgiving this year, falling on Nov. 28, means there are six fewer days between Thanksgiving and Christmas than in 2018. In fact, 2019 is the shortest possible holiday calendar scenario”.[emphasis added by me]

Kansas state tax collection on online sales is in question after the lack of a minimum on revenue or orders is criticized. The dictate kicked in October 1st, requiring any business selling anything in the state to register, which didn’t exempt small businesses as other states have done. This is important - if they manage to apply this tax to even the smallest businesses, and win any court challenges, other states are likely to follow suit. 

ETSY NEWS 

Etsy released a new stats page last week, which like most things they do these days, isn’t finished yet. You can read the announcement here, and a more detailed explanation here, including a discussion of the conversion rate numbers now provided. [I don’t find those very useful on Etsy, as I find I get a lot of visits that are not from buyers, such as people checking out my SEO.] Also note that there will be a Q & A thread this week in the forum, starting October 14th at 10 am EDT. 

When a listing is clicked from any search, there is now a link at the top saying “Back to search results” which only goes to page one of the search on Etsy, not the page you were on. It even does this when someone clicks on your item from a search of your shop. 

They made some recent improvements to the buyer app, including integrating shop names into the regular search. No need to tag with your exact shop name! (Mobile & desktop search also work the same way; the app was the last hold out.)

More holiday marketing tips continue to roll out, including this one on merchandising. It includes a list of holidays at the end (although Canadian Thanksgiving was just 5 days away on the date of publication, so that seems to have been a waste of space). Potentially more useful to some of us is the transcript of the podcast on shopper behaviour during the holidays. [includes links to the podcast if you would rather listen] “9% of our buyers do the bulk of their shopping in late December right before the holidays” and “On Etsy specifically, searches around the holidays spike for gifts in conjunction with a descriptor of the recipient. We see searches like “gifts for grandma,” “gifts for boyfriend,” and “unique gift for a friend” spike.” Finally, “In terms of uniqueness, 90% of Etsy buyers would rather give a unique or one-of-a-kind gift.” They also cover some specific research on holiday shopping patterns in the UK & Germany, compared to the US. 

There is a new help file on search called Beginner’s Guide to Etsy Search, and while it is up to date, I am not sure why it is needed, when they already have a page (they even link to it) called “How Etsy Search Works”, which isn’t as up to date. If they are planning on releasing new instructions, as they told me months ago, they are going about it really, really slowly. 

Etsy Ireland lost money last year, apparently due to the DaWanda deal. “Etsy, whose mission is to “keep commerce human”, faced a wave of criticism from users after designating its business in Ireland as an unlimited liability company in 2015 so that it didn’t have to publicly disclose financial information about the unit. The company has, however, published annual accounts for the subsidiary for both 2017 and last year.”

Meanwhile, free shipping & Etsy Ads have produced quite a stock boost for the main company. “KeyBanc’s comments were echoed by Canaccord Genuity, which earlier this week wrote that the company’s initiatives were driving “robust growth and improving profitability.” Analyst Maria Ripps called free shipping “an important step in bringing Etsy’s platform closer to par” with other e-commerce leaders like Amazon.com Not only will free shipping improve “consumer perception around the platform,” but she estimated that it could add upside of 3%-5% upside to 2020 estimates for both revenue and adjusted Ebitda. The company’s Etsy Ads initiative, she added, “should ultimately attract high affinity customers with strong repeat purchase behavior.”  Also, they noted that no major analysts no recommend selling the stock - most say “buy”, with a few saying “hold”. 

Etsy partnered with Blackrock Emergency Savings Initiative to help US sellers deal with the financial pressures of self-employment. 

SEO: GOOGLE & OTHER SEARCH ENGINES 

Google’s advice on how to get your category pages to rank well is worth reading: among other things, you shouldn’t keyword stuff. 

If you want your content to get the featured “0” position at the top of Google search, you should check out this article on featured snippets, or this Whiteboard Friday from Moz. [video & transcript]

More analysis of Google’s September core update shows that it may not have been as dramatic as the June update, but “your money, your life” (YMYL) sites still seem the most affected. SEMRush said the biggest winners were “DailyMail, eBackPage.com, lasd.org and marionschool.net. The biggest losers were TheFourMusic.com, Monks.org, BraidingClub.com, PascoLibraries.org and RoyalCaribbean.com.au.” Other case studies saw a lot of change in health and medical sites. 

Another study states that websites still get most of their traffic from organic search. 

If your own website isn’t ranking on Google, there are numerous fixable reasons, although some are more difficult than others. 

Google says that HTML sitemaps aren’t necessary to good SEO. 

If you are getting less organic traffic to your Patreon page recently, that could be because their SEO team accidentally de-indexed the entire site. It’s been fixed, but it could affect some pages for the next few weeks, if Google doesn’t recrawl you right away. 

YouTube is the 4th most visited website, so improving your YouTube SEO can provide a huge boost in traffic. 

CONTENT MARKETING & SOCIAL MEDIA (includes blogging & emails) 

Facebook’s experiment on hiding like counts has rolled out in Australia. (Articles looks at the sociological studies behind this)

Instagram launched an account posting tips for “creators”, which the author notes does not focus on making money off of that content. 

They have also expanded their Shopping part of the app, however, which is about making money. 

And IG has released a Snapchat challenger called Threads, a standalone app run by Facebook. Techcrunch did a more detailed review & analysis. Right now, it doesn’t have any ads & they say they have no plans to add them. 

Hubspot uses their own Snapchat account experience as a case study in how to make Snap work for business. (includes video & step-by-step instructions, if you are new to Snapchat.)

Twitter and Tweetdeck had a bad outage for several hours October 1-2, and it still isn't clear what happened. 

If you use Twitter for your business, you should also be using Twitter lists. (I use Tweetdeck to organize mine.)

Now that it is working again, here are the best-performing hashtags on Twitter over the past few years. 

ONLINE ADVERTISING (SEARCH ENGINES, SOCIAL MEDIA, & OTHERS) 

Hubspot’s comprehensive guide to Google Ads is completely up to date for all new developments, and covers search ads as well as ads across Google’s network. [video and text]

They also put out a Facebook ad checklist, with video, text & screenshots. 

And they also did a guide to YouTube advertising. [video and text]

Research and ad placement are key to getting better conversion from Facebook ads. 

Gen Z (younger than millennials) don’t yet have full purchase strength as a cohort, but they influence buying in their households after seeing ads on Snapchat. Since Gen Z shows the least brand loyalty of any generation, it's necessary to reach them in new ways.

Shopify now has an integration with Microsoft Ads, which include all Verizon properties (Yahoo, AOL). More than 116 million Americans use Bing searches each month in some way. 

LinkedIn has improved its ad tools, including audience forecasting. 

Quora has improved ad targeting; they say they have over 300 million monthly users. 

STATS, DATA, OTHER TRACKING 

Advanced tips for site search in Google Analytics can get more out of the data than you thought was there.  

Facebook will likely be paying out $40 million to settle a lawsuit for grossly overreporting video watching stats, including video ads. 

Google Search Console is now reporting a lot fewer links for websites than in the past; it’s not clear if this is a bug or not. 

The Console is now reporting on your videos.

Everything you need to know about Pinterest Analytics. 

ECOMMERCE NEWS, IDEAS, TRENDS 

If you use abandoned cart emails on your website, make sure they are optimized for conversions. 

Ecommerce fraud rates are definitely increasing. “... digital goods have seen such an increase in fraud because they often have a streamlined purchase process that requires less information than other items.”

Google launched its new Shopping pages, which is not the same as Google Shopping but is connected to it, and allows buyers to check out on Google rather than retailer websites. 

Amazon apparently surveyed Handmade sellers recently asking how they felt about Amazon Handmade.

Will Amazon face consequences in the US for its competitive activities? It’s looking more likely now. “Bloomberg reported in August that Amazon was dropping sellers' products in searches on its site if they priced a product cheaper on rival sites, behavior the news service noted could draw antitrust scrutiny.”

BUSINESS & CONSUMER STUDIES, STATS & REPORTS; SOCIOLOGY & PSYCHOLOGY, CUSTOMER SERVICE 

We all have difficult customers occasionally - here are 9 tips on how to deal with them. 

While most web browsing happens on mobile, desktop users are still way more likely to buy. They also spend more than mobile buyers. 

Gen Z members plan on doing most of their holiday shopping in physical shops this year (just like baby boomers), but many will do research online first. Also, “Forty-two percent of shoppers said that low prices are the top motivator for making purchases and 31% said free shipping was also a shopping incentive.”

Offering fewer options can lead to more sales. (The article has great suggestions on different ways to use this info.)

MISCELLANEOUS 

Vimeo app Magisto is facing a class-action lawsuit over holding biometric data without the owners’ permission.

Haven’t heard much about the EU privacy law lately? It turns out that businesses that are GDPR-compliant are more successful than those that are not. The shocker is that only 28% of the companies surveyed were actually completely compliant, so this may be correlation and not causation. Also, the results were self-reported, so maybe not that accurate. 

Here’s a decent list of free website builders, but I strongly suggest doing your own research on any that sound good, as the writeup isn’t very detailed. (The Etsy forum is a very good place for some of this research, as you can ask very specific questions of people who probably have similar needs to yours.)

Chrome is going to block embedded content that isn’t from an https site, beginning in December. [if your website isn’t yet https, get on that right away - it is going to become more & more crucial for being seen.]

[stylesgalaxy]

mastermind; chapter 2

"Every character in a book serves a purpose." My creative writing professor covered that with us today. "We may not think much of their existence but at the very least, they leave our main character with an idea or a thought that could alter their path."

Next to Julia, I never really felt like the main protagonist of my own story. I was the sidekick, the supporting actress. I was the character who's existence was overlooked, but I played a major part in helping the main character. I don't know if I minded it very much. I don't want to call attention to myself, but introverts also deserve to be the main character in their stories, right?

Maybe.

But the story I wanted to live in right now, unfortunately was not mine. It was Julia Tate's and Harry Styles'. They were meant to be. They were like the type of characters you took years to write and develop so they can come to their happy ending and the world would tear up in joy. They were like the couple who the entire theatre stood up to clap for when they finally kissed.

Who was I to stand in the way of that? Not to mention, that was my own best friend's boyfriend.

You saw him first though. The jealous voice inside my head spoke.

But this isn't kindergarten. I would reply back. Those aren't the rules to the real world.

Sadly, the real rules in this world stopped me from even getting close to Harry. In another world, Harry and I easily could be best friends, something about him drew me to him and it's hard even in this world to keep us apart. But I need to keep us apart because Harry and I getting close would never lead to anything good for as long as I was friends with Julia.

"I'm home!" Julia's cheerful voice rings out as she steps in. The door to our apartment closes shut and she stands by the kitchen, grinning. I notice the copious amounts of shopping bags in her hands.

"Daddy sent you more money?" I ask bringing my coffee mug up to my face to hide my smirk.

"Oh, shut up," she grins wider, setting her bags down and opening the fridge door.

"What happened this time?"

Since Julia's parents divorced, she had been staying with her mother which meant she didn't see her father as much. She saw both of them even less since her and I moved out for university. Her father was really rich. And because he hardly heard from her, anytime she called him upset, he was quick to send his personal assistant with gifts for her or money.

He was actually the one who got us this apartment. It was in the nicer part of town and had a concierge and 24-hour security. The apartment itself was not too big though. The front door opens up to our kitchen on the right, and the living room straight ahead. If you go past the kitchen, on the right theres a very short hallway that leads straight to the bathroom, with my room on the left and Julia's on the right. Her mother had to fight her father to not get a bigger apartment because while her father was actively trying to buy her love, her mother was actively trying to keep her from getting more spoiled that she already was.

My parents on the other hand, were very grateful that Mr. Tate allowed me to stay with her and offered to pay rent but he dismissed the idea, saying I was like his own daughter. (I don't know how that works since he probably doesn't know how tall his real daughter is, much less what I look like, but I'll take it.) But I told him I wanted to pay, so he let me saying that learning how to manage your money is very important. Living with Julia was like being married. She shared her money a lot and paid for small things so I didn't have to. She had always been very cool with spending her money on me, ever since we were kids, it's just something I'll be forever indebted to her for.

"I told him I'm stressing about failing my midterms," she says, fishing out a slice of cheesecake from the fridge.

"That's all it took?" I ask in shock. If I called my father and told him I was stressed about failing my midterms he'd tell me to hang up and go study.

"I may have cried a bit."

I roll my eyes at her.

"Hey!" she exclaims, "I am stressed! I needed that money to go shopping and de-stress."

"And did you?" I smirk, knowing Julia was insatiable.

"Partially. I'm meeting up with Harry tonight, that should help loads," she says giving me a knowing look.

My gut wrenches. They've been going out for nearly two years and still, my gut wrenches.

"I'm going to go over to his, you wanna come?" she asks subtly, but it's not lost on me. Harry lives with his friends, Louis and Niall. Julia is under the impression that I have a crush on Louis and her and Harry have been trying to set us up since the semester started.

"Don't think so. I really should finish my sculpture prototype," I reply.

"Aw, come on! Louis is going to be there."

"Well, obviously. He lives there."

"It's gonna be fun! We can play a board game—"

"I thought you were gonna be fucking your boyfriend," I mutter.

"I will! After I get you and Louis talking," she says casually and digs into her cheesecake.

I shake my head and start walking back to my room.

"Wait no, don't leave! I need help," she pleads. I sigh deeply and turn back around, resting my arms on the counter. "It's Harry and I's second anniversary next week."

I know.

"I don't know what to get him," she pouts.

I know that, too.

"He always gets me such nice things, even on random days! I want to do the same for him."

I look into her sad eyes, and sigh again.

"I'll think of something," I say quietly. Julia was the worst at keeping relationships. I wasn't, and as her best friend I was obligated to help her out when she began dating. Except, "helping her out" turned to a way bigger thing with Harry. No longer was I telling Julia what she should do. Now, I just did whatever I could get away with, without Harry finding out it was me. Julia was grateful for my help and I couldn't lie and say I hated knowing I contributed to Harry's happiness in some way.

"Ah, Thank you!" Julia exclaims, running to hug me. "You're the best."

***

"Hmm, can you hold up the green one again?" I ask the lady at the gift wrapping station. She puts the bronze ribbon back and brings the green one to the light brown box. As cheesy as it sounds, the green colour reminded me strongly of Harry's eyes. I guess it's a good thing I won't be the one giving it to him. "Yeah, I think I'll go with the green one."

"I have these silver artificial flower decorations, do you want me tie it in with the ribbon?" she asks.

"Yeah, sure, that'd be nice," I say after thinking on it for a bit. They seemed a bit girly, but I knew it was something Harry would like.

She finishes wrapping the gift while I open Julia's text messages. Her last class of the day finished half an hour ago so she was home.

I'm hungry, she texts.

I'm on my way home, do u wanna order take out? I reply.

chinese?

sure.

I enjoy cooking if I'm not busy, but I've been out all day so I wasn't able to make anything. And the most Julia can cook is a box of mac and cheese, so I'm assuming we're out of that which is why she's hungry.

The lady hands me the gift in a brown paper bag and I thank her, trying to catch a bus before rush hour hits. I check the bus app and see that it's going to arrive at 5:25, so about twenty minutes. Great. Twenty minutes in the chilly fall air, with nothing but a thin jacket. I didn't realize it would be so cold today or I would have at least brought a scarf.

I start pacing and shuffling to keep my self warm. My hands are stuffed in my pockets with the bag hanging from one of my wrists. I shouldn't be here right now. I'm supposed to be working on my cardboard sculpture prototype, so I can get it done and make notes for my history seminar, and then start on my calligraphy prints. At least it was Monday which means I don't have to go to work until the weekend.

Just as I continue cursing the bus for taking so fucking long, another gust of cold wind blows in my face. My jaw locks in anger. I hate everything about this moment.

Next thing I know, a black Range Rover car pulls to a stop in front of me. I freeze in shock as the window rolls down.

"Aria?" Harry smiles at me. "What are you doing out there?"

"Freezing my tits off," I mumble quietly. Can't he see I'm waiting for the bus?

I'm not sure if he hears me or not but he chuckles and leans forward to open the passenger door.

"Get in," he says. I immediately start feeling bad.

"No, it's okay! My bus is," I check my phone for the time, 5:11, "two minutes away!"

"Don't be silly, I can't leave you out here!" he shakes his head. "I'm going to your place anyway."

Hesitantly, I step forward and get in his car. The second I shut the door, I feel the warm air from his heater surround me. I glance at Harry who gives me a small smile before driving.

It's silent between us.

For the past two years, I've tried not to let Harry get too close to me. It would be detrimental in my plans to keep him and Julia together if we became friends and he were to suddenly realize I played a bigger part in their relationship then Julia herself sometimes. I've tried countless things to shake him off. I've pretended to be super shy and quiet to get him to leave me alone, but he was simply gentler and constantly made sure I felt comfortable around him. I've tried pretending to be weirdly obsessed with odd things, but he actually found interest in the fact that male giraffes drink a female giraffes urine to ensure she's ready for mating. I've tried being a downright bitch to him, that even made Julia intervene, but he made excuses for me saying that I was just going through another phase. Nothing worked because Harry was the kindest and sweetest soul there ever was which made me sadder than it made me mad.

"What's in the bag?" he says suddenly. I stiffen for a moment.

"Uh, just some things I need for my sculpture," I answer shakily. Immediately I knew that wasn't the right answer because for some reason my art fascinated Harry.

"That's cool, can I see it?" he asks eagerly and even reaches over to peek into the bag. I slap his hand away quickly.

"No!"

"Why not?" he looks at me sadly.

"It... it can't be exposed. It's special... clay. And if it touches air it'll be ruined. I just don't want to risk it," I lie.

"Oh, ok I get it."

I lightly exhale in relief.

"Wait," he says suddenly. "Then how do you use it? If it can't touch the air?"

Fuck.

"Um..." I start sweating. "You need to work with it in a special room."

"Like a dark room?"

Not at all.

"Yes."

He nods and the conversation dies. Thank fuck Harry is a business major and has no knowledge of anything art related. He doesn't question me again until we get to the apartment.

"Harry?" Julia asks, when we walk in. "What are you doing here?"

"I missed you," he says giving her a peck on the lips. Her arms wrap around his neck. I look away and grab a plate to take some food out for myself. "Is that Chinese food?!"

"Yeah it just arrived, you want some?" I hear Julia say as I make a beeline for my room with my plate in hand.

"I'm going to be in my room," I call out and shut the door before any of them can respond. I hear Julia's loud giggling from the living room and sigh deeply before pulling my headphones over my head and blasting music.

Harry leaves a few hours later and Julia barges into my room without knocking. If it was anyone else I would have thrown a fit about my privacy, but there's nothing in my room I need to hide from Julia, and I'm used to her ways.

Julia slumps down on my bed with her head facing me. I turn around from my desk in my swivel chair and look at her expectantly.

"I have so much shit to do," she states.

"Then why are you here?" Now that I know it's nothing serious, I take this moment to unlock my phone and check my social media.

"Let's watch a movie."

"Julia, I'm busy."

"You're on your phone."

"'Cause I'm hoping you'll get the hint that I don't want to talk to you."

She throws a pillow at me and I laugh.

"Go do your work," I tell her.

"Okay, but in exactly one hour I'm dragging your ass to the living room and we're watching a movie. I don't care how much work you have to do. We need to relax."

"Fine, fine," I say waving my hand to shoo her away. She makes it just out the door before I remember. "Wait!"

I roll my chair over to my closet and fish out Harry's gift.

"Here," I say, handing it to her.

"Aria, thank you so much! I owe you!" Julia says gratefully and comes over to hug me.

"You don't, I used your card to pay for everything."

"Not that! You went out of your way to get this for me! Let's go for lunch tomorrow, I'll pay."

"You know you don't have to," I assure her. Besides, I'd gotten Harry plenty of gifts on Julia's behalf.

"No, we're going. It'll be fun!" she smiles eagerly so I nod. Julia lightly shakes the box. "The wrapping is absolutely gorgeous. Even prettier then the one you got for his birthday... what's in it?"

"Uh, a Tom Ford cologne... it's something a little new but still similar to the scents he goes for," I start but then realize what I said and look up at Julia, "... I think." She doesn't seem fazed, so I continue. "A framed photo of you two and his favourite chocolates."

"Wow, that sounds amazing... thank you again, Aria, you're a really good friend," she says sincerely. I smile shyly at her. "I might have to take you out for dinner, too," she teases.

"Okay, but only if it's that new Italian restaurant."

She nods excitedly. Then she pauses, "Can I ask you something?"

I freeze for a second, dreading the worst.

"Sure."

"Why do you avoid Harry so much? I think you two would get along so well."

"I don't avoid him," I say dismissively.

"You do!" she insisted. "Look, I'm not mad at you, it's just that... I think it's hurting his feelings."

"Really?" I ask quietly. My insides feel like lead. I hurt his feelings? All these years I put him through my stupid phases to shake him off me to protect (mainly) myself, and not once did I think about what he would feel like.

"He hides it pretty well, but I see him looking at your door sometimes, wondering why you never hang out with us," she says.

"Okay, wait—I'm not gonna sit there and watch you guys make out like a third wheel in my own home," I argue.

"We wouldn't make out if you were there," she rolls her eyes. "And not only that, you always run to your room when he's here. And he told me about your conversation on the way here. He senses that you don't want to talk to him."

I sighed heavily. The last thing I wanted was for Harry to feel bad. I don't care if I felt bad because I was the bad one for loving my best friend's boyfriend, he was completely innocent. But Harry is also a grown ass man and there's only so much I can do. I hate to think this, but he's going to have to deal with my cold behaviour because I clearly drew the short stick in this situation.

"Can you just at least try to make an effort to be friendlier to him?" Julia pleads. "Please? It would mean the world." I look at her forlornly. "I just want to know that my best friend and boyfriend get along! I mean we're about to celebrate our third anniversary! He means a lot to me."

I shouldn't be surprised, I really shouldn't. They'd been dating for two years and Julia has never stayed with any guy for more than a few months. And from what I heard about Harry, he hadn't either until he met Julia. They belong together. But that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I choose my next words carefully.

"The world doesn't revolve around Harry," I say simply. "I'm sorry if his feelings got hurt, but I can't cater to everyone's needs. Sometimes I just have to do what I do."

"I understand," she whispers sadly. "Thank you."

"I do get along with him, though!" I say, feeling bad. It was tough enough seeing him in love with her, and being the one to tell Julia how to love him—I didn't need to add being his friend to the list.

For fuck's sake, when am I going to catch a break?

"Okay, I can try to be nicer, but don't hold me to it if I can't. And certainly don't tell Harry about this. I don't want him to get worked up over my actions, you know how unpredictable I can be," I say eventually.

"Yes! Oh, thank you thank you thank you! I won't tell him, and I won't hold you to anything. All I'm asking for is for you to try!"

***

"Aria."

I nearly jump at the sound. It was way too early in the morning to deal with Harry, who was apparently behind me in the line at Starbucks.

"Harry," I turn around and greet him with a tight smile.

"Julia told me that she talked to you about being nicer to me," he says and I inwardly roll my eyes at Julia for doing exactly what I asked her not to.

"Harry—"

"I just want you to know that I didn't ask her to say any of that! I-I know you probably don't like me very much, but it's not something I'm holding against you. I like Julia a lot. And you're her best friend, I'm always gonna try to be friends with you, but I don't want to pressure you into anything. I don't want to cause any trouble," he says with the cutest frown on his face. He looks so adorable with his slightly ruffled hair and tired eyes. I want to wash away all signs of uncertainty from his face and have him smiling again.

"I do like you," I manage to say. "You're a really good guy, Harry, and Julia is very lucky to have you."

He stares at me intently and I have to force myself to not melt under his gaze. How does Julia handle this? I've never stared into his eyes this long and I think I'm already developing some sort of breathing issues. But he continues to stare at me, waiting for an answer. I decide I can't stand to see him displeased.

"I'm a very reserved person, I'm sure you've noticed." He nods, eager to get me to open up to him. I move up a spot in the line up. "I just have some difficulties showing my kindness sometimes, and it's something I'm trying to work on. I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything—if I did."

He shrugs and grins.

"It's okay," he mumbles. I feel like shit at the fact that he didn't deny me ever hurting his feelings.

"I'm sorry for being so difficult. I do want us to be friends," I say. He smiles wider now.

"Don't apologize for being the way you are. I don't mind. I'm just glad you don't hate me," he chuckles and I shake my head. Hate him? Boy, does he have it wrong.

It's my turn to order so I walk up to the register. After I tell the girl my order, I look back at Harry and wave him over. He immediately walks up to me and reaches for his wallet.

"Everything okay?" he asks.

"Yeah! I was just gonna ask what you're getting," I say. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face because he's standing centimetres away from me and he smells so good.

"Oh, you don't have to–"

"I insist," I say. He looks at me for a while, biting his lip. "I'm trying to be friendlier, remember?"

"Alright," he gives in, turning to the lady. "Could I please get a Skinny Cinnamon Dolce latte?"

I have to fight Harry to pay for the drinks because he keeps insisting that he can't let me pay. I press my hands to his side and push him away but he pushes me back with his hip and hands the girl his money. While she gets his change back, I give him my meanest glare.

"Stop that, you're not scaring me," he chuckles.

"I'm not?" I question, glaring harder.

"No, because you just told me you like me," he smirks.

My heart jolts. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the way he talks about me "liking him" so casually that it lets me pretend for a moment that we're in a relationship.

Ugh, Aria, you're so pathetic.

Nonetheless, my expression shifts slightly and Harry notices.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry! I only said that because you said—"

I roll my eyes at him.

"Relax, Harry, I'm okay," I say. He breathes relieved and I take a moment to think about how happy he'll be when he learns that I'm way more easy going and chill than I let him believe I was for years.

We grab our drinks and leave, I try not to think about us parting soon because this run in has brightened my mood so much.

"A frappuccino?" Harry asks in disbelief when he notices the iced drink in my hand. "In this weather?"

"What? It's delicious," I argue.

"You'll get sick."

"No, I won't."

"Yes, you will."

"No, I won't."

"Whatever, it's your problem. Though you can count on me to have a nice laugh when you do get sick," he smirks.

I grin and push him off the sidewalk. "Go to your class, Harry! I've had enough of you for today and it's not even eight yet."

Harry bursts into laughter and yells out a goodbye before walking away. My smile grows wider as I make my way towards my class. This has been a wonderful morning so far, I really hope the rest of the day goes by just as nice.

***

"Quick! Which dress?!" Julia yells the second I step into our apartment. She's holding up a navy blue, maxi dress and a light pink, off the shoulder, knee length dress.

"Pink!" I choose quickly.

"Okay, good, I like that one too."

"What's it for?" I ask, properly stepping in and putting my keys away.

"My anniversary date with Harry obviously," she says absent-mindedly, stripping in the middle of the living room to change into her dress. I mentally slap myself. I completely forgotten that was today. My morning with Harry distracted me from remembering what today was. "Can you zip me?"

I walk over to zip up her dress. Julia lets her long, curled hair fall down her back. She turns around and I inspect her flawless makeup. She looks beautiful.

"You look amazing," I say.

"Thank you!" she kisses my cheek and then picks up her clothes to take to her room. I sit down and watch as she fiddles around with the straps of her shoes, then triple checks that she has everything she needs in her purse. She checks her phone about four times to ensure she hasn't missed a text from Harry. The fact that she's been on countless dates with Harry and she still gets nervous before she sees him only proves how much she loves him.

I have to admit, when she first started dating Harry in first year, I hoped it wouldn't last long like all her other relationships have. I hoped that they wouldn't click and would break up and I'd wait the respectable amount of time before seeing if it was okay with Julia if I started talking to Harry. I was so stupid in first year. Why did I think I even mattered when it came to them? They were the main characters, I was the secondary. Nothing I wanted would matter in regards to their relationship, and if they ever were to break up Harry would never move on to me. Not after Julia. Julia was gorgeous, she exuded perfection through every pore in her body. And me? I was plain. Plain brown hair, plain brown eyes, plain clothes, plain personality. I didn't stand out in any way.

I wished one day to be able to walk in Julia's shoes. Just to see what it's like. To have people look at you like you're the prettiest person they've ever seen, or to bump into you simply so they can talk to you.

God, Aria, stop being so pathetic.

I shake my head to get rid of those thoughts. There were more important issues in everyone's lives than my selfish desires for being more attractive.

"Okay, I'm all ready. He should be here soon," Julia starts tapping her foot impatiently. "What do I say to him when I give him the present?"

"Say the cologne reminded you of him," I start. "The picture is of you two at your nineteenth birthday, say that was one of the happiest nights of your life—because he was with you." She's listening attentively and nodding along. "If you want to get corny, tell him you chose the green ribbon on the box because they reminded you of his eyes."

"Okay, thank you," she breathes. I grab her hand and squeeze it.

"You'll be okay, why are you so worried?" I ask.

"I don't know, I just don't want anything to go wrong," she looks into my eyes. "I really, really, like him. I don't want anything to go wrong, I don't want to lose him."

I gulp.

"You won't," my voice comes out croaky. "He loves you."

She takes a deep breath and nods again. "You're right. Thank you so much. Aria, I seriously have no idea what I'd do without you. I just get so nervous with him sometimes... You'll have your phone on you, right? So I can text you?"

"Of course."

"Good."

***

I'm in bed. I've finished my calligraphy prints and even had time to make extra ones. I've watched everyone's stories on Instagram and Snapchat. There was only one that I cared about—Julia's. Harry doesn't post much so she was all I had to clue in on their date.

How was it going? Was Julia saying the right things? Did Harry like the gifts? What did he get her? Did she at least pretend to like it?

Pfft. Of course she liked it. Harry knew Julia well enough to know what she wanted before she even knew.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I quickly unlocked it to check the message.

aria. he keeps choking up and tearing a little, i dont know what to do, im nervous

I paused for a moment. Choking up and tearing? Was he emotional or did he hate everything?

is it good choking and tearing or bad choking and tearing??

i dont know!!!!!!

does he keep staring at you, like, intensely??

yea, he keeps looking into my eyes

where is he right now?

bathroom

ok i think hes just getting really emotional

good emotional

nothing to worry about he just loves u a lot

what do i do?

if he's getting really emotional, he probably doesn't want to be out in public anymore. suggest that you guys leave to go home or anywhere else im sure he just wants to be with you alone

ok, will do. thanks!!

g2g hes coming

I lock my phone again and leave it on my bedside table. Things were going good, I can breathe again. Tomorrow Julia will tell me everything about their date, for now I'm going to sleep.

***

Thanks for reading!

I updated this one cause i made a lil mistake, but also if there are random "_" in the text thats from when I italicized words and the website I wrote it in left them when I copied it over here, it's so annoying. I thought I got all of them out, sorry if there's any I missed!

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