#i make myself not feel for a reason. the two major losses in my life are this person and my dog.

[cuntwrap--supreme]

Finishing the part of Bleach that matters and realizing I am Rangiku Matsumoto fr fr

· ginger ✔️

· tig ol' bitties ✔️

· pining after someone who is extremely emotionally unavailable and not being able to let them go no matter how horribly they treat you ✔️

[buckysegan]

With all my gratitude, hope and returned adoration - Part Two

Summary: John writes back to his friend from home and we hear from our friend across the way. John x She. Word Count: 1.2k. A/N: we are def rolling with some historical inaccuracies in regards to letters here but sue me. he deserves it. pstttt also should we name her? do you all want to send me random john prompts. my baby isn't ok and i'm not ok. Part one linked here. Part three linked here.

John was sure he wasn't sweating a normal amount as he looked down at the piece of paper that Buck had offered him. It had taken two whole days of questions from the man for Bucky to even decide that he was going to reply. He’d been offered the hope, what more could he ask of her. Could he ask more? There had been a return address on the letter which Buck had insisted was there for a reason and she had opened herself out for a reply from him but the Major couldn’t help but be unsure.

It was an odd feeling for him, before the war he hadn't been unsure of anything and since he’d been here? Well he hadn’t been sober enough to doubt anything that he had done. These days though Bucky felt like he doubted every single thing. The thing was, he wasn't sure that he could afford to doubt this, to look past the life line that had been offered to him. Not when each day he could feel his mind draw a little further toward the edge no matter how much he or Buck tried to keep it in check.

With a sigh he pulled the pen into his hand, eyes locked on the page for a moment before he began to scrawl.

Dear Friend From Home 

You’re gunna have to forgive me because I ain’t going to be as good as this as you are. I’ve written so many letters this war you would think that I’d have gotten a handle on it by now but I find myself at a loss when it comes to what to say to you. 

I think the first thing I got to say is thank you. I don’t know if the words I can put on paper are ever going to really tell you how much your letter meant to me. See I was a certain type of man that didn’t think much to pen pals. I figured that I’d be ok, you know, that with my boys I’d have what I needed to make it through the hard days but watching the letters for everyone else roll in has been harder than I thought it might. 

There are things that I can’t tell you cause I don’t know who might read these letters, and where I am I can’t get you no picture but I can tell you that my favorite dish is a meat and potato pie, simple I know but really I’m a simple hearty kind of guy. What makes me laugh, you asked? That’s kind of simple for me too, just good company, myself sometimes, Buck, he’s my best friend, he makes me laugh a lot. What makes you laugh? I’d like to know that. 

May I know where you are? I know that might be a big ask but you said I could ask anything I know and if I get out of here…we get some leave, I’d like to know where I need to ask for me leave to be. Then I can show you what I sound and look like and know that in return. 

If this letter doesn’t reach you for a while, know you’ve been with me the whole time. 

With all my gratitude, hope and returned adoration

Major John Egan 

“What if she doesn’t get it?” He found himself questioning quietly to Buck as he handed over the letter to make it out of camp. His best friend settled him with a soft look, one that always made Bucky feel like he had some worldly knowledge the rest of them had missed out on, that assured him everything was going to be alright. “You just gotta have hope she will John, she’ll get it.” 

With a huff Bucky nodded, pulling his hat on as he watched his letter vanish from his view all together. “Alright well I can’t sit here and wonder, I’m off to play baseball or something.”

The letter that Bucky had so carefully handed over changed hands many more times, some fingers as rough as the pilots, some dirtier, some softer, but the last set of fingers to slide the letter from her post box had perfectly manicured fingers. Her flicking of her post was greedy as she looked for the same thing that she had every day since she’d posted her own letter.

At first, her hopes of finding what she was looking for had been unrealistic; she knew that, it hadn’t even been long enough for her letter to be received, let alone for him to get one back to her, then the other girls at the centre, they’d gotten letters back, notes, anything. That was when she had allowed her hope to return, for a moment at least. Days without anything had turned into weeks and then weeks had turned into months. Anything could have happened, that was what she tried to tell herself, he might not have gotten her letter, he might have thought it was weird and had chosen not to reply. That thought was enough to miff her, he could have at least said thank you. When she had decided no one could be that mean, her diminishing hope had turned to worry, what if he hadn't been able to receive her letter.

Flicking through each white envelope today, she almost missed it, how she didn't know because it was clearly different from the rest of them, maybe she hadn't wanted to look. "Not…" Trailing off she flicked back to the second to last letter, her eyes taking in the scrawling of her address, her eyes checking the postage before she was taring inside. "It's here, he wrote it's here." She called through the halls to the other girls that she lived with, all of which had been holding their breath with her. "Oh god I can't read it, what if he's telling me I was weird!" She cried, thrusting the unopened letter into the hands of her eager friend.

"Don't be dramatic, he's going to be throwing down his gratitude at you being a doll, you should have attached a picture with it I told you!" Meg beamed easily back at her, the same sense of reservation missing from her actions as she tore into the letter so that it could be read to the group. "Dear Friend From Home. You’re gunna have to forgive me because I ain’t going to be as good as this as you are. I’ve written so many letters this war you would think that I’d have gotten a handle on it by now but I find myself at a loss when it comes to what to say to you." That was enough, pulling the letter from Megs hands she was quick to scramble away from the group once more, locking herself into her room as re-read the opening line herself, the tears in her eyes only welling even further as she continued.

An ache in her chest formed as she read the words once more, taking in each strike of his pen where he had corrected himself or smudge from whatever he'd had on his fingers. The state of the letter was enough to make her wonder, but at least for now, she knew her friend was ok. He was alive, and he wanted to hear more from her. It couldn't have been normal, to feel this level of emotion for a man that she had never met, but she had found herself here regardless and in the middle of so much uncertainty, she wasn't going to question the pull she felt across the way to England.

Pushing from her bed she moved to her desk, paper pulled from her stationary pot, the quicker she could post this the quicker it could get to him.

"Dear Major Egan,

I'm delighted to hear I'm with you. I hope you know, that you've been with me too…"

[zozo-01]

"my daddy gone for the weekend, so saturday baby we can get to freakin'."

It's here! After four-ish months, the smut is done! It took everything from me but I'm super proud of how this turned out! A huge shoutout to @dominimoonbeam for giving my the original idea, and my sincerest gratitude to everyone whom I lamented to, especially @gingerbreadmonsters, @lovelylonerliterature and @cashandprizes for making sure I wasn't making a fool of myself!

CW: University AU, David is a Business Major, Darlin' is a Poli Sci Major, No Angel and Sam AU, Unresolved Sexual Tension, leading to, Resolved Sexual Tension, they are stupid and in love, Top/Bottom Roles, First Time, Loss of Virginity, its david he's the virgin, Oral Sex, Riding, Grinding, david is a praise whore, they are horny young adults, Gender-Neutral Darlin', Jealousy, Angst and Fluff and Smut, David Shaw is Bad at Feelings, so is darlin', author is incapable of not being emotional, Minors Do Not Interact!!!!

click here for the ao3 link!!!

click here for the playlist made by @floofdeloop!!!

--

There wasn't a moment that went by where he didn't think of Darlin' promise. Even if he tried, the piercing on his tongue was a physical reminder that he couldn't get rid of.

Well, he technically could. Didn't mean he wanted to.

It was odd having a piercing at first, especially in such a weird place. He had to stop himself from playing with the piercing and pulling it out. While he would love to have Darlin' in his lap again to re-pierce his tongue, the pain was absolutely not worth it.

The reactions he got once he showed it off, on the other hand, were extremely worth it. No one could believe that goody-two-shoes David would get a piercing. A tongue piercing of all things. Milo and Asher had a ball when they found it, and they lost it when David revealed it was Darlin' who did it for him.

–

"I know Darlin' is into 'bad boys', but I never thought you would change for them," Asher cackled while lying upside down on his couch. 

David knew that this was a mistake. He should have kept that part a little secret, but no. He falsely assumed that his best friends would have been mature about it. He'd been a fool to put trust in those two. 

Milo, to his credit, didn't fall onto the floor laughing the way Asher did, but even he couldn't stop himself from teasing the larger wolf. "Next thing ya know, he's pullin' up with a damn sleeve like that one guy they brought-" He cut himself off to narrowly miss the pillow David threw. "Hey! Watch where you're throwin' big guy!"

Ignoring Milo, David sat beside Asher on the couch, putting his head in his hands out of frustration. Sure, Darlin' had a specific type of people that they liked, the unsavoury the better according to them. And sure, he couldn't help but compare himself to their past partners. But that didn't mean he didn't want to change himself for them! He had a well-adjusted head on his shoulders, and he knows it's foolish to change yourself for a person.

But if it did make Darlin' like him…

A soft flick to his forehead brought him out of his thoughts. Looking up at his friends, he saw his fellow pack members looking at him with what he could describe as an "are you stupid" look.

"Look we get it," Asher spoke up, moving into his role as voice of reason. "You like them, and I mean this in the best way, you don't look like their type. I know you're smarter than to change your whole self for one person, but seriously. If they don't like you now, they won't like you when you're closer to 'their type.'"

"Besides," Milo added while sitting next to David. "All this is assumin' that they don't like you. Who knows big man, maybe they do."

(Milo tried not to give too much away, for fear of his own life, but come on! Seeing David slumped over like a puppy made him feel bad for the man. It's even worse knowing that Darlin' does like him, but both of them are so emotionally inept that it will take the world ending for them to confess, and even then, one of them will be convinced that the other doesn't really love them. If he has to spend another minute hearing Darlin' lamenting about how David is too good for him, then he'll find a telepath to share their thoughts with each other.)

(And the worst part is that even that might not be enough to break this stalemate.)

–

David eyed the clock in his living room while vacuuming the floor. They would be here in about an hour, and knowing them, they'd probably arrive even earlier than that. All the more reason for him to finish cleaning the house as soon as humanly possible. Lucky for him, he wasn't exactly human.

He, in his naivety, decided to take some political science courses that semester. It made sense, nothing goes better together than politics and business, and with the way his professors stressed the connections between the two fields, it was only a matter of time before David wanted to learn more. He's already required to learn about corporate-related laws. Why not learn all the other types of laws? 

The answer to that question is that political science was a dreadful field of study, filled with jargon and old men with pessimistic views of the world. David had always been a numbers guy, and now you're telling him that he had to write essays? The absolute sheer horror.

There were some bright sides, though. Not as bright as their smile, let's not get ahead of ourselves. He sighed, mind eternally consumed with their being and he wouldn't have it any other way.

After seeing his struggle to write down a coherent thought without going on a tangent, Darlin' decided to help his poor soul to write his final paper for their public policy class. It was no issue, they insisted, having already finished their essay a week in advance. When they put their mind to it, Darlin' could do anything. It was what he admired most about them.

The doorbell rang, cutting off David's thoughts. He looked over the room one last time and with a satisfied hum, he walked over to the door.

Behind the door stood Darlin', a dazzling smile on their lips and food in their hands. "With Gabe out of town, I had a feeling that you haven't had good food in a hot minute." Walking right in and going straight to the kitchen, they put the styrofoam box on the dining table. 

He closed the door and followed them, mouth-watering and stomach rumbling at the smell of the shawarma platter on the table. They were right in assuming that he hadn't eaten much since his father left for his work trip. Gabe did make a large batch of food so that he didn't rely solely on fast food. Yet even after taking into account his large appetite, David was out of food within a few days. And fast food couldn't dare compete with his father's cooking.

"Yeah, well he should've made more for me." he joked, taking his school bag and sitting on the couch. "Seriously, thank you for helping me out with the essay, you're a god send."

"It's no biggie, Davey," they replied, sitting right beside him and taking out their notes. "Essays like these ain't that hard once you do a couple of them," Darlin' smirked and he already knew that they were preparing to tease him. "I know that's too much thinking for our little business major-"

David didn't give them a chance to continue, tackling them onto the couch. With a pillow in his hands, he smothered their face with enough pressure to keep their mouth closed without suffocating them.

"Alright, you little shit, if you're done making fun of me, how about we get back to this goddamn essay." An eye roll and nod were what he needed to back off, taking the pillow off of their face. But still straddling their hips, he refused to move unless Darlin' asked him to.

There was a moment where they locked eyes. His heart was beating faster as he hoped that maybe they wanted this as much as he did. Maybe he can delude himself into thinking that there was want and lust in Darlin's eyes. Though it was more likely that their eyes were only a reflection of what he desired.

He snapped back to reality when Darlin' cleared their throat. "Can't really help you with your essay from down here, David," they chuckled nervously. He nodded, taking that as his cue to reluctantly get off of them. He grabbed his laptop, opening up his readings for this essay.

Darlin' opened up their essay, and he saw the different coloured highlights on the document. Probably the different parts and ideas he needs to cover for his assignment. "When you do a public policy essay, you need to analyze it based on the goals of the policy, instruments used to enact it and the setting it's used in…"

It was a lot of information to take in, the jargon and language didn't make it any easier to understand what the fuck was being said. Seriously, why do you need ten different terms to describe the same phenomenon? At least the business jargon didn't do that, it only had five different names for the same thing.

Whenever David felt like he couldn't continue, too tired to come up with more ideas to write down, he would take a sneaky look at Darlin'. Eyes lighting up and mouth spilling out a plethora of ideas of how to make the world better, it was clear why they were the right fit for this program. A part of them was determined to help everyone, from the broken to the damn. If they could even save one person, alter their life to make a positive impact, then they would do anything to make it happen.

The problem arose when Darlin' would try to save those who didn't ask for it, or worse, those who would take advantage of it. Bless their bleeding heart, but they were incapable of turning away a lost cause. "I was a lost cause once, so who the fuck am I to turn someone away from my door," they would say to anyone who would raise their concerns. David could recall every single time that Gabe and their parents would have to stop them from being a self-sacrificial martyr, and yet when Darlin' found something or someone to save, there was no stopping them.

And even though he knows that Darlin' is a grown adult who can take care of themselves, that doesn't stop the need to keep them safe. Preferably with him. So if someone who was taking advantage of their kindness turned the corner and left with a broken nose, then he's not saying that he did it. Not always, at least.

After all this introspection about Darlin', his feelings for them and this free speech policy, David put his final thoughts onto his page. Five hours and one thousand, five hundred and fifty-five words later, he was done with this godforsaken essay. Yippee for him, someone should plan him a parade!

Darlin' took a quick look over the essay for any logical and grammatical errors. They gave him the all-clear and he was on his way to hand in the essay. He was so focused on giving in his assignment that he didn't notice Darlin' getting up to grab the shawarma platter.

"Here," they said, sitting next to him and offering the platter to him, "you need all the food you can get." Darlin' didn't wait for a response before placing the food in his lap before turning back to do some more work.

He quietly ate his food, not wanting to break Darlin's concentration on whatever extra assignments they had to do. Their furrowed brows and jutted lip was endearing to him, just wanted to kiss their pout away.

"That reminds me!" They exclaimed, looking back at him, eyes shifting between his mouth and eyes. "How did your piercing heal? I'm thinking nothing went wrong if you haven't called me about anything?" The elephant in the room, or at least for him, was finally being addressed.

"Yeah, it's been great! I really like how it turned out." It was true, never in his life did he think that he'd be the piercing type. He knows that corporate culture was very finicky about what is and isn't appropriate, and he'd never been interested in any kind of body modification. But this piercing was the gateway drug into him exploring the various different ways he can express himself. Maybe he'll get that tattoo sleeve he's been eyeing on the internet? Or a couple of snake bites? (Didn't the last guy have those?)

But as long as Darlin' was next to him, helping him along the journey of self-expression, then bring on any challenge and needles that may come his way!

Scooching a little closer to them and putting a hand over theirs, his eyes softened as his voice became more genuine. "You did an amazing job, Darlin'. Thank you for doing it for me." 

They cleared their throat and looked into their lap. "Ahh, you know, it's no big deal, I'm just glad I can help." It was cute seeing the normally cool and confident Darlin' crumbling at the sound of genuine praise. The small and shy smile was all he needed, the satisfaction that he had the same effect on them that they did on him.

He tensed up when they leaned closer, their hand holding his shoulder as they used it as support. "Can I take a look, David? Just to make sure nothing's at risk of anything." They only moved when he nodded, hand moving from his shoulder to cupping his jaw.

David opened his mouth, all of a sudden conscious of any food that might be stuck in between his teeth or metal piercing. He hoped there was nothing left behind, internally cringing at the gross sight. Luckily for him, they didn't seem to be taken aback by anything in his mouth.

They hummed in approval, letting go of his chin and walked to the kitchen. "It looks good. No infection and little scarring, and you seem to be getting used to it." They grabbed a couple of bottles of water from the fridge, handing one to David and uncapping their own.

He took a few sips of his water, swishing it around to get rid of any extra food scraps in his mouth. Even if they didn't say anything, it didn't hurt to make extra sure in case they wanted to kiss him.

As that thought went through his head, his blood went hot. The thought of kissing him reminded him of the promise they made him. That they would let him test out, for lack of confidence to call it what it was, with them. Palms sweaty and knees weak, he debated on whether or not he should remind them.

On one hand, if they dismiss him, this could be the most embarrassing moment of his life. He's always wanted to move to Alaska, they have beautiful weather during this time of year.

Or… he'll get to sleep with Darlin'… even something more.

(At this point, the opportunity cost of each scenario was going through his brain. Trying to find the tradeoff value as well as the line of best fit in order to benefit both himself and Darlin'. If this doesn't make sense, then congratulations on not having the displeasure to take any Introductory to Economics class.)

"Do you remember what I said when I gave you that piercing?" they asked with caution, using the tone they use when they're ready to pull away from a conversation if they don't like his answer. It was frustrating, knowing that they were creating an exit plan without letting him give his answer. But all he could do was reassure them that he wouldn't leave, and he hoped in return, they promise the same.

Calming his beating heart, he replied to Darlin's question. "Yeah, what about it?" He hoped that his even tone didn't give away how desperate he was, borderline ready to throw himself at their feet and beg for their attention.

"Well…" They folded their arms around their back as their voice went deeper. "Do you want to test it out?" He wondered if their lack of shyness or embarrassment was a testament to how much they did not care. His stomach dropped at the thought of them only seeing this as a means of getting off. 

But it's better to have fucked than to never be loved at all, or something like that.

He crossed his arms, hoping that they could guard his fragile heart. "I'm down for it if you are," he stated without the overbearing emotion that had his heart in a vice grip. His stomach dropped into the abyss and the pressure building in his head had him questioning how long he could keep this facade up. 

David had never met someone so willing to throw themselves into any situation the same way that Darlin' does. A certain confidence and apathy guided and protected them going through their life, and he wonders if this was another example of it. If only he could hold himself high above the clouds the way they do.

He stood his ground with stiff muscles while watching Darlin' saunter on over to him. The smell of cigarette smoke and coconut engulfed his senses (was he also smelling mangos?), leaving him no choice but to hyper-focus on them. He watched as they put a hand on his waist, light to the touch and with caution in their eyes. Always waiting for the nod to continue.

"Can I continue, David?" they asked with the care they seldom reserved for themself. It was frustrating to watch them wear their heart down till there was no love left for them.

He nodded his head, breathing heavily and mentally begging them to do more, but they stood still. A nod was simply not a good enough answer for Darlin'. 

They tilted his head with their hand, looking straight into his eyes. "Words, Davey. I ain't moving till you say the magic word," they purred. It was all the encouragement he needed to let out a breathless 'yes' for their hand to pull him closer by his neck into a kiss.

It was painfully soft, not due to lack of passion, but because Darlin' was still treating him like a porcelain doll. He hated it, absolutely despised the fact that he wasn't being treated like the other people he'd seen them kiss. He didn't want to be special, he wanted to be treated like everyone else. 

(Scared and anxious is how Darlin' went through life. If an action wasn't thought through entirely, then it wasn't worth taking. They still weren't sure if David wanted to kiss them because he liked them or for other reasons, like wanting the brag about fucking them. Whatever his reason may be, they still wanted to test the waters with him. It was better to be safe than sorry, and with him, they wanted to keep him as safe as possible.)

(He isn't like the other people they kissed. He's so much more and they hope it won't break either of them in the long term.)

He followed their lips as they pulled away from him, desperation filling his body for their kiss, worsened by the sweet scent around him. He was scared that maybe they were coming to their senses and that he'd lose his only chance to kiss them.

Lust and love took control of his body and he pulled Darlin' back into him. He sighed when their lips touched his, smirking at the surprised whine that they let out. Wrapping his arm around their waist and a hand on their back, he was going to make sure they'd never leave him again.

He pushed Darlin’ against the pool table, hands on either side of their body, leaning in until his lips were barely touching theirs. Darlin's eyes grew wide as he closed in on them, stopping only when they were a breath apart. Their bravado slowly fell apart, breath quickening with each passing moment. As fun as their teasing was, David couldn't help but enjoy how he'd managed to turn the tables, even if only for a brief moment. 

Darlin' snapped out of their daze, hands beginning to wander once they regained their bearings. They started at his hips, moving up his sides before pressing warm palms against even warmer skin. They paid close attention to what made his breath hitch, their eyes seeming to commit everything to memory. He hoped it wasn't in vain. 

Adjusting their hands, they used their thumbs to press against his nipples experimentally, enjoying the groan their touch pulled from deep in his throat. He pressed them harder into the table as a breathless laugh escaped them. 

"How about a nipple piercing the next time? Play your cards right and I might be nice and do them both," they said with a smile and a playful gleam in their eyes.

David chuckled, with his eyes darkening. He leaned in, hovering his lips over their ear. “Maybe, but right now I want to test out another piercing.” He licked the shell of their ear, blowing on it to make them shiver. He adored the way their body opened up against him, leaning their head back to expose more of them to his mercy.

He kissed their lips, soft and playful, wanting to get them back for earlier. They gave him a warning growl, giving him a chance to kiss them properly and end this game. David didn't hedge, instead teasing them with another peck that had another growl tearing from their throat. 

His amusement was short-lived when he felt a hand around his neck, squeezing firmly and pulling him in close. His head spun deliciously the longer they deprived him of the ability to breathe.

David leaned back, looking at them with pleading eyes. Being choked was never a kink he thought he would have, but he hopes Darlin’ keeps their hands on his neck for the rest of the night. They tilted his head to the side with the hand on his chin, like they were inspecting something. The air was thick under their suffocating gaze, and David felt the wind knocked out of him. The way their eyes were locked on had him wondering what they were looking for. Maybe they were looking for any sign that the piercing may have infected him.

 He swallowed, a stupid thought running through his head. Maybe they were looking for any sign that anyone else left a mark on him? He had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing. Do they really think David would fuck around with other people, especially when he finally had the chance to be marked by him? And even if he did, he would never let them mark his neck.

That honour was reserved for them, and them alone.

With a stern tone, Darlin’ asked David, “Are you going to keep fucking around, or are you going to kiss me properly?” He had no choice but to nod his head, completely enamoured with their voice.

They smirk, their grip on his throat loosening as their fingers slowly trace a path to the back of his neck to settle there instead. Then they pushed, forcing him closer until their lips were pressed against his ear. 

“Good boy, David.” 

The sound went through his ears and shot straight down to his cock.

Huh, for someone who’s as much of a control freak as he is, he’s surprised that he would relinquish control to Darlin’ that quickly. He’s even more surprised that it feels good to not be in control for once in his life.

“Mmmm, my oh my, what sharp teeth you have Mr. Shaw,” they purred, crashing their mouth onto his, running their tongue over his canines and sucking on his piercing. There wasn’t much David could do except groaning, too overwhelmed with the sensations he was feeling. “Whatever would you do with them?” Their alluring eyes and shit-eating grin rekindled the fire within him to get back at them.

This was it. This was David's chance to finally get back at Darlin' for every heated glance and flirty remark they had subjected him to over the years. Memories of every fleeting touch and teasing uptick of perfect lips spurred him on in his goal of returning the favour to them tenfold.

(Part of David also wanted to get back at Darlin’ for making him fall in love with them. For raising his hopes whenever they gave him their adoration and genuine smiles only to take someone else to their bed. It was stupid and selfish and childish but he didn’t care. He wanted them and this was the closest way to have them.) 

(If only he knew that they loved him as much as he did them. If only they would bare their hearts to each other, being honest to themselves and their desires for once in their lives.)

Trying to gain back some control and doing what he thought would make them feel good, he grabbed their ass and moved their hips against his. His pants were getting tighter with every moan that left their mouth. It was pure music to his ears and he was determined to draw out more sounds from them. He grabbed their thighs and picked them up, placing them on the pool table. 

He chuckled when Darlin’ let out a surprised yelp and continued to grind into their crotch. “You like my teeth, beautiful? Want to see what I can do with them?” 

He bared his teeth against their skin, making sure they could feel each one of his teeth and that the mark left behind would stay for the rest of their shared lives. Their enthusiastic nods were enough to give him the confidence needed to leave their lips and kiss other areas of their body.

He kissed down from their jaw to their neck, leaving soft kisses and sucking on their skin. Darlin’ shuddered and sighed, burying their fingers in his hair. Relishing the reaction that he was getting from them, he gently bit their neck. It wasn’t enough to bruise, but it was pleasurable if Darlin’s increased volume was anything to go by. Darlin' pulled him closer, moaning and whispering in his ear, “Oh, you can be rougher than that, sugar.” 

There was just one small issue.

He didn’t know how.

For all of his cockiness and initiative that he took tonight, it didn’t change the fact that he was a virgin and this was the most he'd ever fooled around with another person.

It wasn’t like David was actively avoiding sex, he just never found the time to form sexual relationships with someone. Between his classes, extracurriculars, work and looking for internships, losing his virginity had always been put on the back burner. Besides, he never found the right person to lose it with. Any time he’d muster up the courage, the little doubts in his brain would creep into his brain, and make him back down. 

Confidence can only get a man so far, and he realized with their hand in his hair and legs wrapped around his waist that maybe he bit off more than he could chew. 

He didn't realize that they paused when he did. They noticed that his hands had stopped moving and his lips stayed still. Moving both hands from his hair, they cupped his cheek and placed his forehead on theirs.

 “Hey, you still with me?” They asked with a soft tone and looked straight into his eyes. 

There was nothing but care and warmth in them. He wasn’t expecting anything else though. This was Darlin’, warm and caring to the bone and forever willing to share it with others. Even at their own detriment.

They caressed his cheek to try and ground him in reality. “We can stop, you know.” 

Gently, Darlin’ pushed David back, giving him the space he didn’t need to breathe. “I know you still haven't fucked with anyone like this, and I know it can be a lot.” They smiled, but David could sense some disappointment from them. “We can stop at any point you want.”

“But what about you?” he asked, always wanting to make sure that their needs would also be taken care of.

Their soft demeanour morphed back into the cocky, yet not over-confident attitude that he was accustomed to. How Darlin’ could shift between personas so quickly would always be a mystery to him. 

“Don’t worry about me, sugar.” Before David could rebuttal, they placed a finger on his mouth. “I’ll hop in the shower and fuck my fingers,” they said casually, shrugging their shoulders before continuing. “Or I’ll find someone else to fuck. Either or works.”

His blood lit up like a match. 

Through his own heart roaring in his ears, David took a moment to gauge whether they were serious. When they didn't balk under his gaze, he swallowed the growl threatening to rise from within his chest. Had Darlin' said to his face that they wouldn't hesitate to find someone else to finish with? That they would find someone else to bring to bed when he was already there? Did they not realize that those words alone had stoked the whispers of doubt and threatened to confirm all of his fears that he wasn't good enough for them?

He couldn’t stand the mere thought of another’s hands on them, especially when he finally got to touch them like this. David wanted to be the one who Darlin’ ran to whenever they had a hard day. He wants to grant them comfort and sanctuary in a way no one has ever done in their life. The darkest depths of his desire urge him to go beyond his protective Beta (and an almost ignition of his Alpha) instincts and keep them all to himself. 

With him, Darlin’ will be safe. With him, Darlin’ will feel rapture.

He’d been dreaming of this moment for so long, and he won’t give it up for anything, or anyone.

With that, his mouth turned into a snarl. "You're staying right fucking here," he snarled into their ear, the earlier growl escaping before he had a chance to reel it back. There was no way he was going to let them go that easily, insecurities be damned. His fingers dug into strong thighs and warm skin with the strength to bruise, trying to contain the storm of emotions at the idea that their future partner wasn't him.

"You're staying with me."

His words made their eyes go wide and guilty, almost like a fawn, and completely unlike their usual sharp, wolf-like features. Underneath his hands, he could feel Darlin’ tense up and he could hear their heart speed up. David wanted Darlin’ to forget about their concerns and his hesitance, and instead opting to fall completely under this trance he’s created for them.

But with a shake of their head, Darlin’ was able to look through the jealousy and anger to the part of David that was still new to all of this. They ran a hand through his hair, adoration dripping from their fingers, and watched some of the rage leave his body as his face relaxed. It wasn’t enough to let go of all of his complicated feelings, but it was a start.

“I’m serious,” they started again with that infuriatingly soft tone. “There’s no rush, and I don’t want you to force yourself to do something if you’re not a hundred percent ready for it.” 

(Watching David get possessive sent their heart soaring, but they needed to make absolutely sure that this was what he wanted. That they were who he wanted.)

David took a deep breath to clear his mind. He was completely out of his element, and the lack of knowledge and control of what happened next terrified him. But he was with Darlin’, and he trusted Darlin’ with his life and his heart, even if he wasn’t ready to give it to them. 

“I want this- I want you. It’s just…” His voice trailed off with embarrassment, but Darlin’ was able to catch on.

The sound of their laughter reassured him more than any words could. “We all start somewhere, David. Ain’t nothing to be ashamed about.” Their hands massaged his shoulders so that he could let go of some tension. “How about you tell me what you want to do, and I tell you how to do it. Sounds good?”

Part of him wanted to throw that idea into the void. He shouldn’t have to be told how to pleasure them, he should just be able to do it. How else can he prove himself as a worthy mate?

The weaker part of him wanted to give in and listen to every command that they gave him. That side ended up winning.

David took a deep breath, steadying his heart and calming his nerves. As much as it was a hit to his pride, it made logical sense for them to take control. He can’t pleasure them if he doesn’t know what to do. It would be a struggle to give up control to them, but he could do it. If they took the lead, then it would be ok. There was nothing they could do to hurt him. He trusted them. 

There was no one on this plane of existence that he would trust over them right now. Even if it seems like that trust isn’t reciprocated.

“I- I can do that. You can, I don't know, take control…” He cringed at his tone and choice of words. Milo, Ash and Darlin’ were able to string along the smoothest of pickup lines and dirty talk, but for whatever reason, he couldn’t emulate that same energy. Ugh, what an annoyance. 

David tried to save himself from utter embarrassment, trying to come up with something more appropriate. But all of his attempts left Darlin’ giggling, and as precious as their laugh was, this was not the situation he’d want to hear it in. 

They covered their mouth with a hand. “I’m sorry! You’re just being really fucking adorable right now.” They squished his cheeks with both of their hands. “I could eat you alive right now, you’re that cute, sugar.” 

With a scoff and an eye roll from David, Darlin’ knew it was their cue to put their hands back on his shoulders. There was a time for teasing, and there was a time for praise. “Hey, remember. Everyone starts somewhere.”

Everyone did indeed start from somewhere. But did everyone start with the love of their lives sitting on a pool table? Ready to let them guide him during this vulnerable point in his life?

What a lucky man he is.

“So tell me, sugar, what do you want to do?” Their concern melted away, now a hundred percent confident that this is what he wants. Darlin’ leaned back with one arm supporting their weight, taking a good look at him. David puffed his chest out, liking their attention on him. He was proud of the body he worked hard for and being used as eye candy for Darlin’. 

Their other hand played with the button of his jeans, making sure to avoid the bulge that had been there for a while. “Well…”

He rolled his shoulders back and placed an arm around their body, caging them on top of the pool table. He kissed them, adoring the way they melted into him and moaned softly against his lips. He slipped his tongue between their lips, making sure to caress every nook and cranny of their mouth. Once he was temporarily satisfied with his claim on their mouth, he ran his piercing over their teeth, relishing the clink that came from it.

Reluctantly, he parted away from their lips. He was entranced by their face, eyes trailing from their glowing cheeks and swollen lips. Beautiful. They were absolutely beautiful, even if they denied it. He was going to make sure that even if they didn’t care about him or his love, at the very least, he could provide some form of pleasure and love from his end.

“I want to put my piercing to the test.” He slid a hand underneath their shirt, grazing over their chest and adoring the way their body squirmed and stiffened. “Do you remember why I asked about it in the first place?” David placed his mouth on their neck, smirking at them flinching when the cold metal touched their warm skin.

Darlin’ held onto his shoulders to balance themselves. “Y-yeah, I remember.” 

He felt a violent groan vibrate in their chest and he knew that he teased them far too much for their liking. They grabbed onto the strands of his hair and yanked them back. Their doe-like eyes turned back into the wolf-like features that he was more familiar with. David had a feeling that he was about to become prey to be used to their liking. 

With a smirk, Darlin’ shoved his head back and growled in his ear.

“Get on your knees then, sugar. Show me what that mouth can do.”

Dazed by the tone of their voice, David got on his knees. Shaking with pleasure, he looked up at Darlin’s almost condescending aura. Being as tall as he is, he’d never had to look up at anybody. He quite liked this view, especially if it meant Darlin’ looks at him with those piercing eyes, gleaming with dominance and mischief.

Slowly, Darlin’ opened their legs with a lazy smile and beckoned him to come closer. “Come on, handsome. We don’t got all day and you’re the one who wants to put your mouth on me.” At this point, David’s heart was ready to combust all over the floor. How they casually made his heart soar and cock hard was something that needed to be studied.

He crawled over to Darlin’, finally in between their thighs and eyes level with their chest. Warmth and salvation coursed through his blood. He'd always thought that if heaven was a place on Earth, it would be between Darlin's legs. If he choked to death tonight, he would die a happy man.

Letting out a whistle, Darlin’ held his chin up, forcing him to look at them. “My, oh my, David. You look so pretty on your knees.” His cheeks went hot with embarrassment and every fibre of his body begged for him to refute their claims. But before he could look away and hide away in their thighs, their hold on his chin tightened and they let out a disappointed click of their tongue. “No, no, baby. You’re gonna keep those pretty eyes on me, is that clear?”

His head had officially gone blank and he nodded, willing to do anything that they would have asked him in that moment.

“Good boy, David. You’re doing amazing sugar.” They praised him in the sultry tone that made his knees weak. Luckily, he wasn’t standing or else he would have fallen over. 

His hands hover over their body, unsure of where to put them. He desperately wanted to hold their thighs again, or maybe their hips - honestly, he just wanted to touch his darling. But he knew that Darlin’ tends to balk at unexpected touches, even from dear friends. Then again, he’s also seen… videos where the more dominant partner just grabs their partner or partners with no hesitation. Should he do that? Or maybe wait for what they say? Or maybe…

Darlin’s eyebrow rose, queueing him that they noticed the glazed-over look in David’s eyes. They already knew that his mind was wandering in unnecessary places. “Oh David,” they drew out with their teasing voice, “I can’t be losing you already?” The hand in his hair and the other stroking his cheek brought him back to reality. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, baby?”

He mustered up some of that fake confidence, hoping that it would translate into actual conviction once he put his mouth on them. There was no point in hiding what he desired, and right now, he craved to taste them and watch them fall apart under his tongue. Besides, he knew that no matter what, Darlin’ would never let him down. They have proven that fact time and time again, and he can trust them when he’s vulnerable and under their spell.

(Though not at his most vulnerable. He still has reservations about confessing to them, but those were more of his faults and none of his. Dare he say that they were perfect, from their perfect smile to their pristine white fur coat, and he was the unruly beast whose torture was to have everything he wanted just out of his reach. That won’t stop him. He’ll find the courage to hand them his bleeding heart, just not right now.)

(Hell was the other people who made Darlin’ smile, and he's going to rectify that fact sooner rather than later, but still later.)

“Where do you want my hands on you?” He softly ran his hands over their thighs. “You’re in control here.” Not that they needed reminding, given their eye roll.

They grabbed his hands, holding them in front of their face. Darlin’ ran a finger over every line on his palm, the gentle touch being enough to make him shiver. “Hmm, what to do with your hands?” Darlin’ pondered as they placed a kiss on each knuckle. If he wasn’t dying from how tempting they were, he’d be dying because of how adorable they were. 

Finally done with their pondering, though David has a feeling that they knew what they wanted him to do from the beginning, they put his hands on the buttons of their jeans. 

“Take them off, sugar.”

His mind raced in different directions, all of them leading to seeing the wolf in front of him in different directions. He knew this was going to happen, you can’t have sex with all your clothes on. But to actually see this - see them - is a whole other thing. And while the wolf in front of him would be more beautiful than whatever pitiful image his mind conjured up, he doesn’t think his heart will be able to survive to truly admire their beauty.

Deft hands unbuttoned their jeans, heeding the warning Darlin’ gave about ripping their clothes. If the image of their bare body wasn’t enough to drive him mad, his senses were overloaded with the scent of their arousal. He’d had whiffs of the intoxicating scent, after finding them in compromisable positions. This was different though. It was concentrated, it was overbearing in the best way, and it was all for him. Only him.

He wouldn't admit the possessive spark from deep in his heart that was born. 

After resisting the desire to rip their jeans off and carefully unbuttoning them, David held their hips, waiting for Darlin’ to give their next set of instructions. 

“Very good, David,” they moaned, giving his hair a good ruffle. They gestured to him to scooch back a little bit and jumped off the pool table. After stretching their back from sitting for so long, they put their hands on top of his. “It’s getting a little hot in here, don’t you think, sugar?” Without waiting for a response, Darlin’ guided David’s hands to take off their jeans.

To say that this was a dream come true would be an understatement. 

He could see the end of scars on their thighs that started from their hips, the birthmark and blemishes, and the bruises that he left behind. David makes a note to press harder for next time, just so he could leave darker marks on them. This being Darlin’, they make everything more difficult than it has to be, so of course they were pulling their pants and underwear down at a glacial pace. But he dare not defy the speed they set, both to not make them uncomfortable, or have them disappointed in him.

Finally, finally, Darlin’s jeans came off and they stepped out of them. There was no coherent thought in his head due to the sight and scent of them, except for them to allow him to put his mouth on them. He deserved it because he’s been waiting for so long. They deserved it because they deserve all the pleasure in this world.

And he was going to make sure he’d be the only person who could bring them that level of joy.

Hopping back onto the pool table, Darlin’ took off the rest of their clothes that they had on, leaving them naked in front of David.

Were they trying to kill him? It was already too much for him to see them without their pants on, but now they were taking off everything? Leaving nothing to his sorry imagination?

Vile, terrible, and wickedly cruel - the despicable, conniving wolf he fell in love with. He must be the luckiest man alive.

He eyed their body, taking in every detail for him to conjure up whenever he was alone. He couldn’t think of anything to say about them except for the fact that they were beautiful. That they were an angel sent from above as his salvation. Or maybe the devil who’d damn him to hell. In either case, he was ready to follow them wherever they may want to go. Including all the way to Vancouver for some fucking coffee.

(Darlin’s insecurities run rampant, that much isn’t a surprise. They never understood why anyone found them attractive, yet they always rolled with it. They were also known to throw caution to the wind and do some impulsive things. But even they were taken aback when they took off their own shirt. They were sure that David would have got up and left without saying another word.)

(They weren’t lying when they said David looks pretty on his knees. But the way he looked up at them almost reverently, like he was on his knees praying at a church, was doing too much to their fragile heart. Then again, it was David. And he wouldn’t do anything to hurt them.)

“Get back over here, sugar. There’ll be more time for you to touch this body later on,” they laughed and pulled his head closer. He was only a hair's breadth away from where they needed him the most. Scent makes up most of your taste, so he already knows that they will taste divine. Bodies entwined and his hands itching, he’s damn near dying to get his mouth on them. 

Darlin’ held his chin and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “Can you open your mouth for me real quick? I just need to do something real quick, ok?” He had no idea what they were about to do. Was there a secret step that needed to be done that they didn’t show in the sex scenes he endured over the years? He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case, so he opened his mouth, knowing they had everything under control.

He was certainly not expecting them to spit on his tongue.

David whimpered when their spit hit his tongue, which was drier than usual. Probably because their mouth is unnaturally warm and addicting. This wasn’t an unwelcome feeling though, and he’d love to see them spit on his cock later on. If he’s lucky tonight won’t be a one-time thing.

Manically grinning while watching their spit run down his tongue, they used their tongue to spread their spit on his piercing. He moaned, and when he tried to pull his head back because it was getting too much, Darlin’ gripped his chin tighter and pulled him in closer, practically shoving their tongue to the back of his throat.

They pulled back and hummed in appreciation at the sight in front of them. Satisfied by the blissed-out look in David’s eyes and the spit surrounding the piercing, Darlin’ smiled and blew gently on the metal. He felt a shiver down his spine and blood rushing to his cock, the slight cold being something he wasn’t used to but definitely wasn’t not welcoming. “Alrighty then,” they sighed and leaned back, still adoring the dazed expression on his face. “It feels better when the piercing’s cold.”

At this point, David wasn’t even sure he was paying much attention anymore. All he could think about was how he was burning to taste them, to drink down every drop of pleasure he could squeeze out of them, to drag them over that edge as many times as they demanded until they were spent and sated. But despite aching to bury his face in their thighs, he waited for their command. He’s done so good so far, he’s not going to disappoint them yet.

“I didn’t think you had it in you to be this patient, David,” they cooed while placing their thumb on his bottom lip. “Thought you would have gone feral by now and done whatever you wanted.” Oh, he was so close to his breaking point, but his resolve was strong for now. 

“Does my good boy finally want to put that pretty mouth to good use?”

David’s head perked up at the question, his eyes widening and mouth-watering. Nodding his head with a renewed vigour, he exclaimed, “Yes please!” His desperation was obvious to both him and Darlin’, and while he would never want to show too much emotion around them, wanting to keep his aloof Beta persona, he couldn’t give a damn right now. 

He was finally going to taste them, and it was going to be worth it.

Darlin’ giggled at his reaction. They knew he was desperate, but they didn’t think he was over the edge of composure. He bets that it was amusing to see their cold Beta be so open about his feelings. “You asked for it, pretty boy.” They took his hands and placed them on his thighs. “Can you put them on your shoulders? Pretty please.” Their voice was dripping with faux innocence but he saw right past it.

He picked up their legs and threw them over his shoulders, grinning at the moan Darlin’ let out. He may have done it a little more aggressively than necessary to make up for all the teasing, but that wasn’t the point, now was it? He felt the strong muscles cushioning his ears and heels digging into his back. His heavy breaths against them made them shake in his hold. He could see how they were dripping for him. It was nice to know that he had the same effect on them as they did on him.

Looking up from between his legs, he silently asked permission to use his mouth. With Darlin’s nod giving him the green light, he prodded at them with his tongue, trying to figure out what felt good for them. They shivered, the cold piercing doing exactly what they said it would, giving them an additional sensation to derive pleasure from.

He was right. They tasted divine and he was rapidly becoming addicted. David was fully prepared to give up his worldly duties in favour of becoming Darlin’s permanent seat. The warmth that radiated from their body had lit a flame in him that wasn’t going away. Not until he could see them fall apart around his mouth.

“F-fuck David,” they said through a string of moans. He could feel their thighs squeezing his head and hand tugging his hair, pulling his head closer, which meant he must be doing something right. He became emboldened to bury himself deeper, with his hands spreading them apart and pulling them closer. 

He noticed that every time he growled and moaned against them, Darlin’ would moan louder and at a higher pitch. The facade they created earlier was falling apart, and David was honoured that they would drop it around them. 

Through their moans and tensing body, they grabbed David’s hands from their legs and placed them on their chest. He looked up at them with confusion, until Darlin’ spoke up with a breathy voice. 

“Touch me, David. Don’t let your mouth do all the work.” He nodded, continuing to devour them with his tongue while also squeezing his chest. “Oh- shit, that’s it, sugar!” They were grinding themselves against his mouth and he was obsessed. He continued to grope their chest, pinching their nipples between his fingers to draw out every moan he could.

David could feel that they were getting closer. He couldn’t move his tongue more freely in them, and he almost thought that they were in pain. But the wanton moans and pleas they were letting out had clued him in that they were having as much fun as he was. If he wasn’t careful, he’d climax on his own and untouched just at the sight of their release.

With a growl, Darlin’ ripped a hand from his chest and guided him to stroke them. “Keep moving- shit- just like that,” they groaned, pushing his hands and face closer to them. He choked and moaned into them, deeply consumed into their entire being.

It was when Darlin’ let out a high-pitched moan and convulsed forward that he knew that he finally tipped them over the edge. Holding their hips to stop them from falling, he swallowed every bit of them that he could. Darlin’ leaned back, heaving like they were done with a marathon. David reluctantly pulled away, but the sight of them breathless and eyes blown out with lust was much worth it. He could always get on his knees again.

He slowly stood up with Darlin’s legs wrapped around his waist and his clothed chest against their bare one. David could see their doe-like eyes, elated over the fact that it was all because of him. He brought them that joy. He made them feel like they were walking amongst the stars. And he wishes that he could get on his knees again.

Making sure they calmed down enough to look him in the eyes, David wiped their slick off his mouth, licking the back of his hand to not waste a single drop. Darlin’s eyes never left him, and he heard their heartbeat speed up.

“That… that was hot.” 

He raised an eyebrow. “That’s all you have to say?” He questioned, without betraying the fear in his heart that he wasn’t up to their expectations.

Darlin’ rolled their eyes and in between their breathing, they huffed out, “Excuse me, sir. Let- let me catch my breath.” They closed their eyes and took a deep breath, looking the most serene they have looked in all of their time together. David memorized everything about them right now, afraid that he’ll never see this view again. 

(Darlin’, in their incoherent thoughts, was still able to deduce that giving David that tongue piercing was the best idea they could have come up with.)

They ruffled with his hair, giggling at the deadpan look David gave them. “You were amazing, sugar. Are you sure this was your first time?”

“We both know the answer to that,” he joked and leaned in for another kiss. But before his lips could touch his, he paused. Was this ok? He kissed them earlier, but that was before he made them come. Maybe now that they’ve gotten what they needed, they don’t want anything to do with him.

In his pondering, Darlin’ closed their eyes and the gap between them. He melted against their lips, placing a hand on their back to keep his steady. 

This time, the kiss was sweet. It didn’t have the urgency of lust from earlier. It was calm, like it was alright for him to get lost in them because they would help him through the fog. David didn’t know if that was his love-sick mind thinking that, or maybe that it might be the actual truth. 

Pulling away with a smile and laughing when David trailed after them, Darlin’ hopped off the pool table. Instead of picking up their clothes to put them back on, they pushed him against the table. “So handsome, is it your turn?”

David felt the heat rush down to his cock. There wasn’t a doubt in his brain that he wanted Darlin’, especially with them naked and smirking in front of him. He craved to make his fantasies into reality, wanting to inflict them with all the want and lust that he’d caused them over the years.

Maybe he could bend them over the pool table?

Push them against the wall.

Or maybe he'd take them to his room and drench their scent into his bed.

There was just one problem…

“If you don’t want to, I get it.” Darlin’s voice broke him from his trance. “I get it if you want to do it with someone you care about, and y’know, have it mean something, and like it’s just me so-”

“This does mean something to me,” he cut their rambling off. David has known that underneath their bravado and confidence, Darlin’ was often insecure about their excess amount of care. It was the thing he hated most about them. Nothing more angering and heart was breaking than watching them cut themselves off or ramble on an unnecessary excuse. He won’t have it, especially if he knows that they have nothing to worry about.

Darlin’ gave a blank stare and as David was preparing to repeat himself, they spoke, albeit without their usual confidence.

But before he could respond, Darlin’ looked down, hesitance and shyness crept into their voice. “You actually mean that?” Their question was laced with quiet want, or at least he hoped it was a desire for him. He prayed that they had been suppressing their feelings for him.

Lucky for them, he had that same longing, for this to mean more than what they thought the other wanted.

He held their jaw, tilting their head up to look into their pretty eyes. The lust from earlier turned into a softer love. Instead of being blown out with pleasure, the sharp angles of their face softened, their usual yet rare doe aura returning. As much as David wanted to deny the fact that Darlin’ could actually be in love with him, it was getting harder to deny when he could see his own desire reflected in their face. 

Unfortunately for them and everyone around them, Darlin’ and David adored the idea of plausible deniability. It was easier to assume that something isn’t true unless it’s being thrown into their faces. Although, they use this concept for different reasons.

For David, it was an annoyance for people to speak to him in riddles and code. He’d rather everyone just be straightforward with what they’re trying to say.

For Darlin’ it was harder for the cops to tie you to a crime if you’re seen smiling at the security cameras, or looking away from your best friend at the right time.

David leaned in, pressing his lips onto their forehead. They deserve a proper confession, and he wanted to give it to them. For now, this would have to be enough for both of them. It was more than they could ever crave. He pulled back, looking at Darlin’s eyes fluttering closed and they edged closer to him. It was a softer kiss than either of them expected from the other, but it was needed all the same. 

Darlin’ was used to throwing themselves full force into everything, always bracing for impact. David needed to prove to them and to himself that he would be there to cushion them. Because if he doesn’t, then who else will?

(His wolf howled selfishly at the thought of him being the only one taking care of them.)

Darlin’ wrapped their arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Breaking the kiss, they chuckled when David let out a little whine, following their lips to keep kissing them. 

“Well, if you’re game for it, so am I.” Whispering in his ear, they asked him, “Where do you want to do it, sugar?”

His mind and blood raced downwards, thinking about the many different fantasies that Darlin’ would make come true at this moment. Looking around the room, his eyes landed on the pool table behind them, and a bold idea entered his mind.

“I want you to ride me on top of the pool table.”

Silence filled the air and David thought that maybe he had gone too far. Fuck- fuck! Did he push it for his first time? Was Darlin’ uncomfortable with the idea, but was convincing themselves to go through with it so his first time would be perfect? Did they not know any first time with them would be perfect?

“I didn’t think you had it in you to ask that, baby Alpha?” They crooned, pushing his back against the pool table. Darlin’ stared into his eyes and held his shirt, only taking it off when David gave them the ok. Shirt on the ground, they stared at his torso, running their hands over his torso, resting them on his chest. 

“Holy fucking hell, Shaw.” David could see Darlin’s breath quicken and their eyes went wide, and he could hear their heartbeat pick up a little bit. He puffed his chest in pride seeing the trance Darlin’ was under. Thankfully not the normal trances they were used to.

Pouting like a child, their lips traced his collarbone, causing David’s knees to go weak. His hands went down to Darlin’s waist, debating on whether or not he should pull them closer. He didn’t have to make that choice, with them taking the initiative to push their bare body into his. “You’ve been hiding one hell of a body, Davey,” they smiled, kissing his neck and torso. 

 “Well you’re one- shit, to talk,” he choked out, squirming in his place. He pulled their head back, noting how Darlin’s voice went higher. Instead of looking him in his eyes, their gaze was fixed on the button on his pants. There was something in Darlin’ that was holding them back from ripping his jeans, he could see it in the way their nails dug into his thighs, a spark of pleasure and pain going through his body.

Not wanting to waste another minute, he took a deep breath and unbuttoned his own pants. If Darlin’ was waiting for him to be ready, he’ll show that he’s been waiting for this moment for as long as he’s known them.

Their hands let go of his thighs, grabbing onto the waistband of his pants and underwear to pull them down. He hissed as the air hit his bare and cold body. He couldn't decide if he should look at Darlin' or not, fearing that he would see disappointment in their eyes. So he kept his gaze low, baring himself in his entirety before the love of his life.

Darlin' didn't say a word, just quietly tracing their hands over his body. It was gentler than anyone would have expected from them. But the average person didn't know how Darlin' would hold themselves back to stop themselves from pouring too much of themselves, causing the other person to be overwhelmed. But David would do anything for the honour of drowning in their love.

"Look…" they pleaded, placing a hand under his chin to tilt his head up. He looked up slowly, his wide eyes meeting their tender expression. With a smile, they caressed his face with their hand. "You're so pretty, you know that right?" He knew that objectively, it's hard to ignore your looks when you have people gawking as if you're a Greek god. But being told and actually believing it were two different things.

With Darlin' though, their hands and body slotted against him like a puzzle piece, he feels pretty. Actually pretty. 

"Speak for yourself," he chuckled, butterflies filling his stomach. "You're beautiful, Darlin'." Because if he is pretty, then they were downright gorgeous. The sun in wolf form, blessed by Angels and saints that have long eluded him. Why ask for a guardian angel when he had Darlin' with him?

They rolled their eyes, a cocky expression on their face. "Sugar, I already know that." Not that it stopped the bashful smile on their face. Confidence surged through his body, he had the same effect on Darlin' as they did on him, and he would use it for the future.

Pushing the hair stuck on their sweaty forehead, he snarked, "all the more reason to call you beautiful, beautiful." His eyes were drawn to their lips as they bit them, desperately to tug on them with his own. So he did exactly that. 

Leaning forward to press his forehead onto theirs, he kissed their lips, holding the back of their head to pull them closer. David tilted his head, slipping his tongue inside of their mouth. He could feel their sharpening teeth and their little gasps and moans. David bit their lip while pulling away, relishing in the sharp breath they took.

A second of silence goes by before David spoke up, snapping Darlin' out of their daze. "Are you going to ride me, or do I need to fuck you myself?" It was false bravado and confidence that was dripping from his voice, but he didn't care. His cock was aching to be inside of them, now. 

They raised an eyebrow with a smile. "Hold on, let me grab something real quick." 

"I have condoms in my pants," he yelled out from behind them. He was sure that they didn't have any infections, knowing that they go to get regular checkups. And he definitely didn't have any, since, well, this was his first time. But a man could never be too safe, and David was ready to take any and all precautions.

"Not a condom, but thank you David!" They came back with a blanket, laying it on top of the pool table. "I don't want you to get road- er, pool-burned?" they mumbled to themselves, wondering if that was the right choice of words. But they shook their head because they thought that this was the wrong time to think about word choices. For David's sake at least.

He moved to place himself in front of the blanket, pulling them alongside him by their waist. "Thank you, beautiful."

"No problem, sugar," they cooed, playing with his hair. They took a condom from his pocket, ripping it open with their teeth. Carefully, they unrolled it over David's cock, going slowly to not overstimulate David.

(Not yet, at least.)

With some of that earlier confidence, David leaned back against the table. "You know, I think you're full of shit, Darlin'." He wondered that if he egged them on enough, they'd finally do something to him, relieving some of the desperation pooling in his stomach.

He froze under their steely gaze and arched eyebrows. "Really, you think so?" Their voice went from warm and caring to cold and detached. It should have made him step back, but he kept going.

He stood taller and leaned over them. "All this time, and you haven't done shit but just talk." He squeezed their ass and pushed them against the pool table. "Maybe I should show you how it's done," he whispered into their ear, kissing and biting their neck.

For a moment, David could have deluded himself into thinking that he would actually be able to take control of this moment.

That was until Darlin' pushed him back with a hand on his throat. "Oh, aren't you precious, little Alpha?" A dark chuckle and a darker look were all it took for David's knees to get weak, ready to get onto the ground and be obedient to Darlin'. 

Before he could agitate them further, Darlin' picked David up by his thighs, turning around and laying him down on top of the blanket. "You were saying, Davey? Something about me just 'talkin' shit'?" They climbed onto the pool table, hovering over David. 

David needed control like he needed his magic to shift. It was weird being under someone, and he had half the mind to push them off him. But it's Darlin'. They won't let anything bad happen to him.

"Well?" Their voice shook them out of their thoughts. "You said you wanted to tell me what to do?" They leaned forward so they were chest to chest, forehead to forehead. "So tell me, sugar?" 

Darlin's glare was enough to make his throat dry, words in Spanish and English leaving his brain. To make it worse, their hand gently played with the head of his cock, finding wicked joy in his struggle. The light pressure made his head spin, but every time he'd raise his hips to grind against their hand, Darlin' would push him back down.

"That's not what I asked you to do, sugar," they mocked with fake pity. A firm squeeze to his head was all David needed to cry out, but it didn't deter the wolf. "I asked you," they paused to kiss his neck, trailing up to whisper in his ear, "what do you want me to do?"

His mind had a million options wishing to spill out between parted lips. He wanted their hand, but he also wanted their mouth with lips stretching around him as they took him down their sinful throat. He wanted them, under him, over him, with their nails digging into his shoulders...

But what he offered them was a growl that melted into a whimper when he realized he'd take anything at all if it meant they didn't stop.

Hips threatened to buck up into their grasp to get even a fraction more of their touch, but they kept true to their word and waited. Another growl left him, of frustration this time. It ended the same as the first did, though words followed as his body burned for more. 

"Please, need you to..." 

A hum left their lips, dancing in the air.

David knew they had to be getting some sick enjoyment from this. He also knew the thought alone had him growing harder against their palm, but their tongue swiping along their lower lip showed it was a welcome discovery. 

Rolling his head back, he groaned and felt like he was about to burst from the sight alone. 

"Just ride me already," he hissed, a choked breath leaving him when they shifted their hand ever so slightly. "Fuck, please ride me. Need it. Need you..." he rambled, relieved when he lifted his head and found himself staring into blown pupils. 

Taking mercy on him, Darlin' let go of their cock, smiling at his flustered state. They leaned back, admiring the mess that they made him. "Now was that so hard, hm?" They sat back onto his cock, grinding against it to make sure he was ready for them. He held onto their hips, both in a plea for them to go faster and to hold himself steady.

Deeming him ready for that sweet release, they moved up onto their knees, holding onto his cock to keep him still. "Are you ready?" they asked gleefully, stroking his cock to make sure he was slick and ready for them. 

He couldn't find the words to say yes though. Not because he was having second thoughts, but because he couldn't believe his situation right now. Darlin', the wolf he's been in love with since they joined the pack, was willing to have sex with him. There'd always been a part of him that was scared to ask them out, fearing they'd only say yes due to his position as Beta and the Alpha's son. But seeing that familiar determined look was all he needed to know that his dreams were coming true.

(Darlin' was also in shock at what was happening as well. As the Alpha's son, surely David had better options than them? They were proud of who they were and where they came from, but there was always a nagging voice in their brain that told them otherwise. Where David had been raised in white picket fences, Darlin' had been raised surrounded by metal cages. It was no secret that from the way they talked (and how they hid it) to the way they dressed, they were both from fundamentally different worlds.)

(But seeing David with needy eyes and a loving gaze made them feel like they belonged. Actually belonged. And that maybe, home wasn't limited to snowy streets and gray skyscrapers. It could also be in the arms of their best friend.)

Somehow, David was able to find his voice again, and all he whispered was yes, over and over again, while nodding his head vigorously.

Darlin' chuckled at his eagerness, slowly lowering themselves onto him. "What my future Alpha wants, is what he gets," they murmured with a breathless sigh, watching his cock disappear inside of them. They took their time to let themselves adjust to his size before they sank to the base with a sharp inhale, arching their back and digging their nails into his heated skin.

Holy fuck. Holy shit. This was actually happening. 

David held his breath as they tightened around him, watching as their eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. That had to be a good thing, right? He hoped it was. Hell, he currently felt like he was on cloud nine and they hadn't even moved yet. How long would he even last?  

Oh God, he couldn't come too quickly. That'd be too embarrassing.

He pinched himself, just to make sure that he wasn't stuck in another wet dream. He wasn't. This was very real. And when he felt Darlin' shift around him, he was finally convinced that this was very, very real.

"Ok, I'mma start moving, but—," they began, taking deep breaths to keep their voice steady, “—if you need this to stop…for me to stop, you need to tell me." 

David rolled his eyes at their warning, lips parting to retort only for his words to die on his tongue when they held his face in their hands. Darlin’ stared into his eyes, making sure he was staring back before continuing. 

"I'm serious, David. You wanna stop? You tell me. Alright?"

He nodded as he swallowed roughly, doing his best to keep his breaths somewhat even. It was hard to focus on anything apart from how well they were taking him and the fact this was only the beginning. His impatience was slowly eating away at him, even more so as he took in the sight of them on top of him like some sort of ethereal god. 

David would be more than happy to get on his knees for them again if they ever asked. 

“I need to hear you, David. You never had an issue mouthing off before…so use those words of yours. Tell me you understand.” 

The urge to bare his teeth was forced down as he cursed under his breath, nodding but adding what they’d been so keen on pulling out of him. 

“Yes, yes, I understand,” he groaned, thighs tensing when Darlin’ shifted ever so slightly. They would be the death of him, he was sure of it, but at least it’d be a hell of a way to go. “I’ll tell you what I need and right now I need you to move. So, please—” 

A shudder left Darlin’ as they offered a smile that had his pulse stuttering before returning to its concerningly quick pace. 

“Good boy.”

David didn't have time to process their praise, too focused on the feeling of them rising and sinking onto his cock without warning. Whether he whimpered or not he'd never admit, their movements lighting a fire in his gut. If this was how he felt when they were taking it slow, he wasn't sure he'd last long with what was no doubt still in store for him. 

Giggling at David's reaction, they couldn't help but offer a mocking coo. "Aw, is my little baby close already?" Their words were followed by a shift of their hips, lifting enough until only the tip of him was inside them. This time, there was no hiding the whine that tore from his throat, a smirk growing from their once gentle smile. "I don't know how long you're going to last, Davey. Let's find out, hm?"

It was the only warning he got before Darlin' started moving at a steady pace, moving in slow yet forceful motions. They put enough strength to make sure he felt everything he could have ever dreamed, but slow enough for it to be agonizing, making him beg for more. It was enough to have him writhing on the pool table, one hand gripping onto the edge and the other on their thighs, holding on for dear life. 

Pushing up with what strength he could garner, he pressed his lips to their own with a soft groan, arms wrapping around their waist and pulling them closer. He needed their body pressed to him: needed to feel their core so his own could melt into it until only one remained. He had spent so long thinking of what it would be like to have them this way. He'd be a fool not to savour it for as long as he could. "

They stopped, surprised by the kiss. After the initial shock faded, their arms moved around his neck, hands playing with his hair, pressed flush into his chest. Any time they tried to pull away, David would growl, either pulling them back or following their lips to capture them again. He wasn't ready to let go of them. He wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to let go of them again.

Without breaking the kiss, Darlin' started to bounce on his cock, swallowing up any moans from David's mouth. He could barely register the creaking table beneath them, too focused on watching their head roll back, showing off their very kissable neck. God, he wished he had the strength to sit up and bite them. But Darlin's weight on his lap paralyzed him, unable to find the core strength to hold them flush against him. All he could do was grip their hips to hold them steady and keep kissing them. He felt his teeth sharpen, aching to bite them and be bitten by them.

Going off of instincts, he began to thrust up into them, desperately trying to match the pace that they set. "You're so goddamn tight!" He whined while mindlessly fucking them, hands on hips helping them move faster.

"Oh, really Davey?" They asked with a breathless laugh. How Darlin' was able to keep their composure was a mystery to him, especially with the way they tightened even more around him, enough to have him choking out strings of profanities at the sensation. "You close, babyboy?" 

He could feel himself closer to the edge, but couldn't form words to say it, losing his sanity with every second that went by. The pool table started to shift in place, moving back with every movement and he couldn't help but fall further into their spell. He relished in the quiet moans that he was able to get out of them, but he wanted more. He wished that they were louder, and craved to have them screaming his name, but he was so focused on his own pleasure that he failed to realize how close he'd become.

"Darlin'- I'm so close-" He choked out between moans, fingers borderline drawing blood from their hips. He felt the unfamiliar washing over him, and he chased it with great desperation. Mindless and borderline feral at the feeling of Darlin' clenching around him, his hips stuttered, the feeling so overwhelming that he couldn't keep a steady pace. His muscles felt tight and he was choking on his rapture, barely able to breathe or speak or move.

It brought him joy to know that Darlin's composure was slowly slipping away, their growls slowly devolving into broken wails. They have always been the picture of composure, not even letting their anger be shown on their face aside from a quiet, cold, fury. He treasured the privilege of seeing them let go of themselves and just feel. Their strong thighs clamped around his hips to keep them both steady, and their nails scratched his chest. He was ready to wear their marks proudly the next day. 

"I know, David- shit," they moaned, tilting their head back with their eyes shut. Sweaty and incoherent, he's never seen them more beautiful than at this moment. One where either of them can break at a moment's notice. Even now, they matched David's thrusts, focused on making sure he didn't do all the work and focused on a good first time.

Pleasure and desperation mixing together, David snapped, his core reaching out to grab onto theirs. Blood filled with ecstasy and head ringing with the sound of his moans, he didn't feel the magic that surged through him. It was only when Darlin' screamed, head thrown back and back arching beautifully, that he realized something was wrong.

"FUCK!" they yelled out, their body going limp on top of him and falling backwards. He grabbed onto them and placed them onto his chest, giving each other a chance to breathe before moving. He pushed the hair stuck on their forehead, looking into their dazed eyes. He felt himself falling in love with them all over again.

Careful to not overstimulate either of them, Darlin' pushed themselves off David's chest. He whined, liking and wanting them to stay on his chest for as long as the waves would long for the moon. They rolled their eyes, laughed breathlessly and with a hoarse voice, they asked, "was that good?" 

There were no adjectives, verbs, adverbs or descriptors that could describe how that felt, so he supposed 'good' would have to suffice. 

David was never a religious man. Sure, he went to church like the good son he was to make his father happy, and he's not above a little prayer to get through a difficult slump. Despite all of that, he could never understand what it meant to have a religious experience, an event that was so miraculous that the only explanation was that a higher power rewrote the fabric of the universe in order to let it happen.

He was convinced that Darlin' was that higher power. The only one he'd worship from here on out.

Feeling his vocal cords functioning again, his strained voice responded. "Was more than good, beautiful," he said while playing with their hair. 

"Good, I'm glad," they sighed in relief. "I do have a question…" Their voice trailed off with a little bit of uncertainty.

"What is it?" 

"Did you-" they cut themselves with a chuckle. "Did you mean to half-shift in me?"

David's eyes went wide while his mouth spewed out apologies. He knew how painful it can be to have anything inserted into your body, always cringing at those who claim that 6 inches was not enough. But to have one suddenly grow bigger inside of them, even for a split moment, sounded awful. 

Given that he was quite a large wolf, even for his young age, it made sense that all parts of his body grew proportionally.

Placing a hand on his chest to calm him down, Darlin' laughed off his concern. "It's fine, I promise. Hurt for a little bit and don't think I'd be down for that again, but it felt really good." Their voice emphasizing the pleasure over the pain eased his nerves, glad that they did like it, unexpected as it was. "Just give me a heads up next time, ok?" They jest with a smile.

So there will be a next time. Yay for him!

"Of course," he said before leaning closer to whisper in their ear. "I'll make sure to shift before I fuck you instead."

They shivered at David's admission. "Don't threaten me with a good time, Shaw," they rolled their eyes before slowly coming off of his lap to sit beside him. David hissed at the loss of contact, out of overstimulation and the desire to keep them close for even longer.  

Sitting by his side, they both basked in the familiar silence that accompanied them for their shared lives. Darlin' laid his head on his shoulder and David wrapped an arm around their waist. In many ways, things were the same. Yet everything was different now.

"You should go to bed, David." They rest their chin on his shoulder to look at him. "You must be tired as shit right now." Completely ignoring that they looked like they were going to fall asleep at any moment. 

"You're right, I should go to bed." He felt more alive and awake than he ever has, but with the way Darlin' was slumped over, he figured that the best way to get them to bed was to sleep himself. 

He picked Darlin' up bridal style, careful to not strain any of their muscles and ignoring the yelp of surprise he gave them.

"What are you doing?" Curiosity and uncertainty filled their voice, yet they buried their face into his chest, slowly dozing off in the process.

"We're both going to bed." Before he could whine in protest, insisting that they weren't tired and could go home in their state, David kicked open the door to their childhood bedroom and laid them on his bed. Running to the bathroom he grabbed a washcloth to clean himself and Darlin' before they headed to bed.

Their eyes tracked his every move, he wondered if he was doing anything wrong. Maybe the cloth was too rough? Or maybe they didn't want to come to his bed?

"You know, I'm supposed to be taking care of you, since this is you're the virgin- excuse me, ex-virgin," they snarked from the bed.

He flicked their forehead at their comment. "Shut up and let yourself be cared for, you stubborn dick." He grabbed a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants for the both of them, throwing Darlin's set at their face and laughing at their exasperated expression. But it didn't stop them from putting his clothes on.

The sight of Darlin' in his clothes and dozing off in his bed, his scent mixing with his, was enough to make his wolf go feral. He's no stranger to the hardships Darlin' faced in their life, always concerned for when they went after the shady people they called family. Sure, it was clear they cared for them, but if they really loved Darlin', they wouldn't drag them into such dangerous situations.

It wasn't in them to say no to a friend's request though, so David supposed that he may have to be the one to keep them safe.

(Realistically, he knew Darlin' would hate that. The idea of another person making their decisions and dragging David into a danger he had no reason to be involved in would eat them alive. But forgive him, he's a boy - nay, a man - in love trying to keep his future mate alive long enough to call them his mate. You can't really do that with a dead person, despite other's insistence.)

Clothes on, he slipped beside Darlin'. Immediately, they moved back to give him space, much to his chagrin. He pulled them against his chest, a hand behind their neck to keep them close. "You just sent me to heaven and back, and now you won't cuddle with me?" Resting his chin on top of their head, he finished his thought with a laugh. "Rude."

He expected a snarky comment back from them, maybe a joke about how he was an asshole. He didn't expect brutal honesty from them.

"I didn't think you'd want to." Their voice was muffled from being pressed against David's chest, but he could still hear the apprehension in their words. He held them tighter, hopefully conveying to their stubborn brain that he did want them with him.

They fought back against his hold to look him in his eyes. "Most people don't really want to cuddle after fucking," they huffed and it filled David with anger. Who in their right mind would be blessed with the chance to sleep next to them, only to throw it away because they got what they wanted? How many times did Darlin' want to be comforted only to feel used like a toy?

He shook his head of those thoughts. It didn't matter anymore, he'd hold them for as long as they asked for it.

"Well I want you, Darlin'." His arms pushed them back into his heart. Before they could pointlessly argue, he gently scratched their scalp. Just as he thought, their breathing slowed down and head went limp against his pillow. "Now shut up and go to sleep," he chided with love and care.

They couldn't go to sleep without having a final word. 

"Are we," they yawned and rubbed their eyes, "are we… a thing?"

With conviction, he corrected them. "We're more than just a thing, Darlin'. But don't worry about that now." Yawning himself, he laid his head on his pillow and almost knocked out immediately. He was able to hear the last thing they said before succumbing to dreams.

"...love you, David."

'I love you too, Darlin'.'

–

He's a little concerned by the clothes left behind in his living room. Not because David shouldn't be having sex at his age, but because they couldn't have at least cleaned up after themselves? Really?

Carefully walking around the living room to not wake up the younger wolves, he headed to the kitchen to make some food for the two. Knowing those fools, they haven't eaten anything all day, being too busy with other things to remember to eat. Something small would be enough to get them some energy back.

He passed by the pool table, noticing the blanket on top of it. He feared the worst, not wanting to imagine what had happened there earlier. The scratches were too noticeable and the wobbly leg made it all too true. Great, he'll need to call the carpenter to fix the table. Or build him a new one.

It looked like someone else had the same idea, watching David roll out some dough. Love is stored in the pupusa indeed.

"You remember to replace the pork with beef, right?" His voice spooked his son, amused at him jumping 10 feet in the air. It was a little concerning to see him so unaware of his surroundings, it was because it was out of love. Sue him, he's happy that his son is happy. 

"Yeah- yeah, I did." David kept his head turned away from Gabe, most likely out of embarrassment of being caught. 

Satisfied by his answer, he leaned back to observe his son. David seldom cooked, citing a lack of time and energy to do so. That didn't mean that he didn't know the basic recipes, he just never made them. Not that Gabe ever minded, he was always happy to cook for his son. But of course, he'd pick up the knife for Darlin', especially since they could cook up a mean meal whenever they felt like it.

There was another thing that was off. David's hoodie wasn't his. Sure it fit him perfectly, but last time he checked, he went to high school in Dahlia, their mascot was not the Eagles.

"Who's hoodie is that?" He was curious to see where this went, and whether David knew what he was wearing.

David turned back to his father for the first time, looking at him with a confused stare. 

"It's mine, obviously…" His voice trailed off when he looked down, realizing his mistake. David went to Dahlia Collegiate and Technical Institute, and their mascot was the Dire Wolves. He should remember considering how many jokes were made at the pack's expense.

While Darlin' did graduate from DCTI, that wasn't their first high school. Their old school's mascot did happen to be an eagle… And they did like their clothes on the bigger side…

Gabe laughed, watching realization cross his son's face. When before he had some plausible deniability, now it was outright obvious what they had done. Finally.

He walked to David and patted him on the back. "There's nothing to be ashamed about, and I know how long you've been in love with them." He decided not to reveal Darlin's feelings just in case they hadn't confessed yet. Knowing these two, they've probably gone to bed before telling each other how they feel. 

David's shoulder slumped at his father's words. "I know, I know, but I just," he sighed, defeated by his own emotions. "I just don't want to fuck up with them."

"And you won't," Gabe reassured. "You're a good man who wants to do right by them. As long as you follow your heart, you won't mess anything up."

David groaned at the advice. "That's easier said than done," he pointed out. For David, making rational decisions with his head always trumped going with his heart, but unfortunately, love doesn't follow the rules and logic of rationality.

"You need to understand that when it comes to love, neither of you can control everything. A relationship is give and take, sometimes you're in control, sometimes you're not. It's scary, and I know for both of you this sounds like the worst thing ever. But you owe it to each other to at least try." 

The crockpot alarm goes off. "Are you willing to see Darlin' happy with someone else?"

He could see the alarms go off in David. "No-"

"Then try," he pleaded with David. "You both are good for each other. And you both deserve good things."

Walking past David to the crockpot to see if the beef had been cooked properly, he waited for David to come to his own conclusion. It can be tempting to spell out the answers, especially when it's as obvious as this is. But as a father and as Alpha, he needs to make sure that David can make his own decisions and live with those consequences. 

Gabe won't be around forever, and he needed to learn how to be his own man.

Silently joining him, David goes back to rolling out the dough. The determined look on his face was his answer, and he can't wait to see where it will lead.

He leaned over to whisper in David's ear.

"Can you please clean up after yourselves next time? I don't want to see your dirty clothes all over the living room."

Gabe's laughter at the expense of David's humiliation was loud enough to wake Darlin' from his bed.

[dcbbw]

Knock, Knock

Dearest Tumblrs,

I know I have been MIA for the longest of times, but I haven’t left y’all yet. My father died 46 days ago. I’m still processing that, still getting used to the presence of his absence. I have spent the majority of 2024 caring for two parents while holding down a full-time job; differentiating between sickness and illness, conditions and diseases, and watching a loved one fall into an invincible decline and eventually succumb to the inevitable.

I have never experienced profound loss before, and it is a hurt unlike any other I have ever experienced. I thought because I was there, I saw it unfolding in real time 24/7 that I would be prepared when the time came.

I was not. I never was.

I’m still grieving, still reeling from the sucker-punch that is death, still tiptoeing around a landmine of emotions, all while being a productive employee and dutiful daughter and caretaker to my remaining parent.

I don’t sleep well (and haven’t for over a year), listening for bumps and cries in the night and waiting to hear my name called because I’m needed. I don’t go out unless it’s to run errands: grocery store, car maintenance, pick up prescriptions. I spend 9 hours at a paid job (forgoing my lunch hour so I can come home and make beds, empty commodes, and fix lunch for my mom; before dad’s decline got too bad, I fed them both).

There’s laundry to wash, dry, fold; bathrooms to clean, floors to mop, rooms to sweep and vacuum, meals to cook. Mail and packages have to be both sent out and brought in. And since dad left, I have to take care of what is left of his business as well as get help with keeping the house standing. The furnace had to be replaced; there was a gas leak and piping had to be repaired and restored. The main sewer line was clogged and had to be cleared. I still need to find a reliable yard person to rake and bag the leaves.

 I’m strong because I have to be, not because I want to be.

During all of this, dealing with reality and life, all I wanted to do was write. To lose myself in worlds I create, to detach myself from transition and death and ever-mounting bills. My head is filled constantly with thoughts, ideas, and dialogue; perhaps now I may be able to find/make time and have more focus to get back to what calms me, what I feel I do well, and makes me happy.

I have so many stories to finish (my masterlist is a huge pile of incompletes) and start, but these are the stories and AUs in the works:

Babylon—Dolos: The Homeland AU dealing with international current events

Babylon—Belly of the Beast: The Homeland AU fictionalizing the 2024 election

 Watercoolers and Coffeepots—the DC AU gang’s take on the 2024 election within the workplace

Sex and the Middle-Aged Divorcee—what’s it like being a 54-year-old woman in the world of online dating

Single—UnRomance is back with a follow-up to this storyline

Tuesday’s Child—an OC-centric story about a family whose patriarch is dying (any similarities between my family (or yours) is purely coincidental

Hospital Lost—a medical drama AU drawn largely on St. Elsewhere, ER, and Grey’s Anatomy which will be a crossover cluster. Imagine Open Heart with focus on emergency room patients and a lot more staff

I feel it’s only fair to warn you that I’ve decided to give up creative writing for writing creatively; if my writing reads/feels differently, this is the reason why.

This is all I have for now, but hopefully I will be back soon. Since I have ZERO idea who’s left, tagging the few I know are still active in the TRR/TRH/TRF sub-fandom. Feel free to let me know if you want on or off the taglist.

Tagging: @angelasscribbles @kristinamae093 @kingliam2019 @indiacater @twinkleallnight @tessa-liam @bebepac

[dallasgallant]

Ok so it’s @your-unfriendlyghost w/ that goddamn Ao3 comment 🥲

For whatever reason, Ao3 keeps sayin that “We can’t upload your comment because the content is blank” when it like. CLEARLY ISN’T. I dunno what’s going on with that, so I’ll just paste it here 😭

(This is the comment I woulda commented on chapter 2 btw lol)

“Well, twenty-five just makes ya a delinquent… you ain’t a ‘juvenile’ then, man, it don’t got the same ring to it, ya know?” Steve muttered. < Damn, this is SUCH A GOOD LINE. It’s so real, yk? Like I know I personally get swept up in the fantasy of it all- of greasers and JDs and the adrenaline of teen rebellion- but someday (pretty soon now) I’ll grow up. And then it won’t be so fun anymore. For all the lousy stuff that comes with it, it’s fun bein a kid- But when I’m an adult I won’t be a cool rebel for pulling the shit I do now, I’ll just be sort of a loser. I dunno how to process that sometimes. But it’s nice seeing all that confusion put into words as succinctly as you did.

Was that it? Their only two options? Lose your life or your identity? Die young, hard and fast — just like everyone’s waiting for. Or grow up and watch your denim collar turn blue. <Ugh again this is painfully real. You capture the feelings of being a sorta wild teenager so damn well. And the line about denim collars turning blue is so like…poetic too. It’s real and also real pretty, yk?

Steve had never been particularly fond of the idea of aging, but he didn’t want to be a bum like Two-bit or a con like the Brumly boys. He realized when morning came, none of them would mention tonight. Not how it really was. <This is such a sad but significant insight. Both bits are- Steve’s acknowledgement of the fact that the future is coming, and the point that no one would talk about tonight- or at least not the real, raw, tragedy of it. You just don’t DO that, especially not as a group of teenage guys in the 60s, but even nowadays you don’t, least in my groups. And how can you? How can you make sense of that, of seeing something so gruesome and being so helpless…holy hell, I guess what I’m getting at is that this was a real observant point.

Their tears would be buried alongside their friends, and they’d come to accept some twisted narrative that served to make them feel better, instead. That’s what he’d do; make it about justice rather than loss. Feed his anger into some kind of action. He’d always been better with his hands than his words. <man I sound like a broken record here, but this is so real. I don’t like how true this rings. But like I do, yk? And god, it feels like so much of a STEVE thing to think, and a Steve way of saying it. You’ve really nailed his voice.

Anyhow, sorry for takin’ a minute to comment- after ao3 deleted the vast majority of my last one I couldn’t bring myself to type up anything substantial for a bit- but I needed to get it out at some point, because this is such an amazing fic. This bit of commentary just scratches the surface, because there’s so much I love here. Once again, great job.

Ahhhhhhh thank you, I honestly love this so much. Taking the time to point out these little details and things you relate to. It’s djsjsnsms glad people notice this stuff you know?

Not to make you have a comment get deleted on ao3 again but would love to hear chapter 3 thoughts or anything else you want about the fic lol. Love your insight.

—

I get that. I tend to romanticize the rebellious, both teen and adult. Idk maybe it’s because I’ve had a comfortable life and all but there’s also so much to go through and experience.

I’m glad this line is getting attention as I was really excited about being all poetic too! Lol, it seemed like the most expressive way to put it without having to over explain, I can’t even begin to imagine having to grapple with putting up such a distinct identity… though I imagine you’d have to pry the vest from Steve’s cold dead hands but we’re talking metaphorical.

Steve and the brand of masculinity all the guys are seeped in is such a fucking interesting thing to explore. Because there’s simultaneously so much fun with all the “boys will be boys” of it all but also… oh… you don’t know how to feel hard emotions in a healthy way.

Also just Steve has grown on me so much and I think it’s really being in his head and it’s he’s more than the best buddy and he has his place in the friend group. His loyalty and sensitivity may compare him to others in the gang but what’s great about him and them is that there’s other aspects that make even those emotions distinct to them.

[thesophistiicate]

I recently started following you after having read your post on upgrading one's personal items for ones of higher quality. Every post since that one has inspired me, more and more each day. Your recent one about "moving in public with a thoughtful brand" was something I felt compelled to write word-for-word in my journal as a constant reminder for myself and something I wanted to touch base on.

I got laid off from my job last fall but months before being let go, I was being given a hard time at my job. I know it has nothing to do with my performance, it's everything to do with how I carry myself. When I got let go, I unfortunately developed the fear of being seen and as a result, I watered myself down as a form of self-preservation (which I was only made aware of by taking some time to sit down with myself, look at images and how I longed for the girl I used to be in pictures a year or even months prior, and feeling disconnected with the person I saw in the mirror in the present). I chopped my hair off, went quiet on socials and going as far as starting new ones to regain my privacy, throwing myself into a hardcore workout regimen, and—for a while—disregarding the things that naturally tickle my brain. Though, in the last few weeks, I can feel myself reawakening. In the last year since being let go, I've gone through a few obstacles that were enough to water myself down further (if it's possible). But there was one major obstacle, which was the unexpected death of my senior dog, and a few back-to-back dead end interviews that awoke something in me. Rather than going further incognito, I've decided to make an appearance to the world again—sharing my passions and the things that make me tick, all without having to risk any boundaries being overstepped. After years of debate, I finally decided to start a blog and write what I know best: myself, and whether that's for myself, for a few or even thousands of subscribers. I'm no longer on hiatus for my moodboard account and have also started to fuse my own imagery/likeness with the collected content. I'm rebuilding my universe again, a brand. I was bullied into hiding, all for what though? I eventually found my way back to what I naturally gravitate towards and what naturally aligns with me. I no longer feel afraid, rather my guard is up but I now know what works for me and what doesn't. I've learned that I can't stop some people from feeling threatened by my presence and I shouldn't hide for that reason. Never say never but for now, I will not remain in hiding. I miss the universe, especially my own. I wanted to share this with you. Share it however you like. But know your words are complete magic.

oh thank you so so much, this message means so much to me! 🤍 i’m so sorry for your loss too.

your message reminds me of something i think of often, how so many extraordinary people i know have been subjected to things like bullying or abuse. it’s like the toxic people of the world see all the light and wonder and potential and want to take it away because it threatens them. i’ve often found people want to “consume” us, own us, have us, but don’t have the slightest idea of how to actually handle us, so break us down to their level instead.

it’s like two sides of a coin, if you learn to lean into who you are and building your own self esteem, getting in touch with your true self and expressing her, then there’s magic. but the dark side is that we can become lost in other people, our brilliance (and attention and energy) is often coveted by those who don’t know how to handle us and it can be profoundly harmful. like somebody buying some exquisite luxury piece in a material like cashmere or suede… when you don’t know how to take care of it, it will be ruined.

and every brilliant woman i’ve known has had phases of retreat, phases that felt like an undoing and a rebirth. in many ways i think it may be necessary for true excellence, when you are levelling up so much that the old life literally has to fall apart and be destroyed so that you can rise from the ashes, reborn. as i’ve gotten older i’ve learned to find the power and comfort in this pattern, i understand things are falling apart to come together and i don’t feel as scared or depressed when it happens.

anyway, i’m just so happy for you finding your way back to yourself and your passion and purpose. this is so powerful and truly exactly why i started this blog 😭🤍

[imthepunchlord]

Don't know if you still write for Miraculous Ladybug, but if you do what are your thoughts on having Adrien die? Not even in an Adrien salt way but in general I think that killing him off could lead to so many interesting paths for a ML fic to go.

It's gradual. Some WIPs I'm trying to figure out how to continue. It's just one of those things to let it stew/come back later.

As for the topic, my gut response is that it feels unnecessarily dark and it feels like angst for Gabriel and/or Marinette, potentially Chloe, Felix, and Nino too. Angst I'm not really interested in writing myself.

I will say, I did have one thought relating to Adrien's death: a reason for Sentidrien's existence.

Idk how a majority feel about the Sentikids, the little I've looked into people seem to just accept it, but I'm not crazy about these rich couples deciding they'd rather have magical feather babies they can fully control than having a kid by any other means that they can easily afford.

So Adrien's death was my answer to this choice of what Adrien was and to try and roll with it better. Adrien Agreste did exist, but died tragically and desperate, grief stricken Emilie just couldn't bear the loss and used the broken Peafowl to recreate her "perfect son".

Emilie got sick, Gabriel doesn't know how to feel about this "Adrien" who looks like his son but isn't and is the cause of Emilie's state. Meanwhile "Adrien" is being the perfect son he was made to be, is confused and hurt by his father's coldness, finds he has fragmented memories of his life and the people he supposedly has known his whole life.

And as I'm not sure a Miraculous should have a power to make actual life (especially as they can snuff it out with a snap of their fingers), I'd say "Adrien" becomes a real boy by being near the two most powerful Miraculous. Cat gradually destroys his connection to his item, and thanks to the Ladybug, it creates something new to replace it.

And it leads to a whole thing of "Adrien" starting to rebel against Gabriel, becoming alive vs the complacent doll he used to be. And "Adrien" learns he's not the true Adrien, that he's a clone made out of grief and love, and has to deal with the reality that he's a fabrication, but he's not like other Sentis either, and wonder if he's truly Adrien or does he like who Adrien used to be, does he even want to be Adrien? And you got Gabriel getting more aggravated as wtf is going on with this doll?

Part of me even thought of him deciding to rename himself Felix to establish a separation better.

But that'd be my answer for what if Adrien did die, it'd be my way to roll with Sentidrien's existence and how I would've made it work.

[hargrove]

「 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I resurrected this blog at the end of 2023, but in these few months, this dash has given me more happiness than I could have imagined. honestly, I came back as a means of escape when I had a major loss in my family and just didn't want to deal with irl. and y'all have been so welcoming and so amazing, that I want to take this moment to hurl my love right in your faces!

@havvkinsqueen ➠ Victoria!!! I was so excited to learn that you were still bombing around on the dash since I last left. your heather was always a treat, but your Chrissy is such a delight and I'm so stoked to have her in Billy's life. you are an absolute gem, a POWERHOUSE of kindness and positivity. you exemplify everything the rp community should be. I type this wearing the bracelet you made for me, it gives me so much good vibes. I really am serious about running around in cosplay at a con with you this coming year. it'll be rad as hell! here's to a whole new year of crazy rp and irl shenanigans!

@zoomingupthathill ➠ I cannot describe the sheer joy I feel every time you're on my dash, Bee. from waaaaay back when I was writing Klaus and you were Katherine, to now in the ST fandom, you always leave me in awe. the love you have for your own muses is infectious and in turn, makes me love them and want the best for them. you know I don't really do exclusives, but I always considered your Max and my Billy a packaged deal. whatever your Max is going through, she can always count on my Billy to have her back. likewise, I am always there for you. you're an amazing talent and an even better friend. I look forward to a whole new year of sibling craziness, as well as other muse stuff. and good lord, CAN WE GET THIS GIRL A LUCAS??? (I'm trying my best to work on it, I am lol).

@thebabysittertm ➠ dude. friendo. bruh. stark. I don't even know where to begin. my favorite kind of rp is the slow burn stuff filled with lots of character development and headcanons and background stuff, etc. it's basically the hardest thing to find but somehow from the moment we started talking, it all just clicked. the details and thought you put into all of your muses is astounding. I adore the thought process you have in your muses' reasoning behind things. and your writing is out of this world! I feel so lucky that I get to bounce hc's and au's off you all day. all of our ideas and stuff makes me so excited and has fueled me to jump back into this hobby only 10 times harder. all your talent aside, you also an incredible friend who I'm so stoked to talk to every day. here's to a 2024 filled with our two idiots!

@malka-lisitsa ➠ how do I even begin to compliment the sheer amount of talent that exudes from you, November?? from muse development, to writing, to graphics, to server maintaining, to... I don't even know what else! seems like you can do it all! I can't lie, when I initially came back to the dash, I was shying away from any and all cross overs because I have so much anxiety in this community and wanted to keep my corner of the world super small. but your Katherine broke through and I'm so glad she did. I love how you took a character that so many people (even the freaking writers of the show!) wrote off as 2 dimensional and you give her life! layers! meaning! she never feels like a self insert style oc, but she feels so much more well rounded than any version we saw on the show. it's honestly admirable the amount of work you've put in. I'm so lucky to count myself as one of your rp partners and I can't wait to see where Billy and Kat will take us in 2024.

I unfortunately don't have the time to write a seperate message to all of the people on my dash, but I still want to tag people that bring me joy every time I see your urls. all of the following has made the past few months (that should have been dark and awful) feel bright and full of hope. I appreciate every single one of you. ➠

@vitaegratis

@edhellfire

@vcnusians

@scarednotscary

@pierprincess / @nancewheelr

@hangtenn

@calistayed

@asiphon

@nexusvcrti

@multi-royalty

@helltothefire

@mhunster

and of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't list my ride or die. the people who make tumblr rp the amazing place that it is, and people that I will cherish always, whether we're writing together or not. y'all are stuck with me! ➠ @seesgood @breakthings @mysharxna 」

[gettin-edgy-all-the-time]

all my thoughts and feelings about the offspring in one big post

I owe this band so fucking much for all they’ve gotten me through so far so here’s a kind of overview of how I got into the band and why they mean so much to me

before you read on though, trigger warnings for depression, anxiety, and implied suicidal thoughts for the like second half the post

So the first offspring song I heard was either The Kids Aren’t All Right or Come Out and Play and I remember being pretty young but still recognizing the songs. my little kid mind used to hear ‘carburetor’ instead of ‘keep ‘em separated’ and absolutely loved that guitar riff from Come Out and Play.

The next two songs I remember are Pretty Fly For A White Guy, Gotta Get Away, and Self Esteem. I distinctly remember my dad singing along to Pretty Fly in the car. I think Gotta Get Away was the first offspring song I knew all the words to and was a large part of the reason I got into the band (it is my favorite offspring because of this). When I first listened to Self Esteem I related to it because I did not, in fact have much self esteem and the line ‘the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care right?’ really hammered home how good the song is for me.

Then at some point in there I learned the lyrics to Gone Away. I really liked the lyrics kind of related to the grief even thought the song was about losing someone but I could not explain why. I think I just like themes of pain and loss in stuff that I listen to or read.

Fast forward a few years of me being a casual listener to my freshman year of high school. I kinda felt like shit. I had no real friends for the first few months, my depression had gotten worse the second half the school year, I had started to question my gender and sexuality, and I was just very lost in general. I found You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid (and Teenagers but that’s for a different post) and related to it and it became the song I could take my anger and depression out through.

Somewhere in there Gotta Get Away became my anxiety anthem. I have always struggled with a little bit of social anxiety but once I got to high school where I didn’t know any body and there was a lot more stress from schoolwork my anxiety went through the fucking roof. Honestly it’s still pretty bad today but at least I can cope better, in part thanks to Gotta Get Away.

Then several months ago I went to see The Offspring live. I think that concert was the first time I heard Let The Bad Times Roll and the only lines I could make out were ‘let me know when you decide: apathy or suicide’ and ‘oh baby let the bad times roll.” Then I think I also heard Staring At The Sun for the first time there and I liked it because the chorus was very screamable. I saw Dexter play Gone Away on the piano and now it’s one of my goals to get good enough on piano to play it.

Shortly after the concert I listened to the entire Let The Bad Times Roll album because I loved the song Let The Bad Times Roll so much. It kind of came at just the right time because I started to get depressed again after that and what kept me going was the line ‘let me know when you decide: apathy or suicide.’ I related heavily to it because during that period I was either apathetic or depressed or both the majority of the time. And some other songs from the album like Behind Your Walls and Army Of One have really stuck with me. After listening to that album I started listening to all their other albums, which is what I consider the start of my obsession with their music.

I discovered Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace, which is possibly my favorite album (it’s hard to choose). Half-Truism had me in a vice grip for months mostly because of the line ‘your own liberation will leave this behind’ because at the time i was both grappling with myself over whether or not to come out and trying to decide if I wanted to go to therapy, and both of these would possibly change my life in ways I was not ready for (Spoiler alert I didn’t do either). I also loved the songs Trust In You because it is honestly pretty relatable for me and Kristy, Are You Doing Okay? because I think it’s just such a beautiful and sad song.

At some point pretty far into my listening to every Offspring album I started this blog because The Thoughts were piling up and I needed somewhere to put them before people started to think i was crazy.

Then life got stressful again and depression and anxiety got a hell of a lot worse. My birthday was in there and I just felt like shit because I felt I hadn't done anything in that year of my life. I was questioning my purpose in life and asking myself why I was even still alive. I didn't feel like I had anything to look forward to. I found out that The Offspring had their eleventh album in the works on my birthday through a local radio station's dj randomly talking about it. Maybe its stupid or whatever but the new album has given me something to look forward to and a reason to keep going.

At the time I was also trying to figure out how the hell I would fit into a punk music scene when I was also looking toward higher education and a career in the sciences. In my head that made me a fake or a poser or some stupid shit and because of this I had decided that there was not point in me learning to play guitar if I wasn't going to go anywhere with it (looking back this was a totally irrational thought but i guess that stupid little voice in the back of my head isn't rational either). Then i learned (from a random ass tumblr meme no less) that Dexter had a phd in microbiology. Those notions of 'you cant play guitar if you want to go into the sciences' went right out the fucking window. I've been learning guitar ever since and one of my greatest motivations is getting good enough to play all my favorite Offspring songs.

This last thing is kind of a weird coincidence that I think is pretty cool. So I also have the nickname Noodles. My aunt gave me the nickname when I was really little because I loved the noodles at a local chain restaurant. I don’t know when I figured out that I had the same nickname as Noodles, but I do remember thinking that it’s kind of awesome to share a nickname with a member of your favorite band.

Congratulations you’ve made it to the end of All My Thoughts And Feelings About The Offspring In One Big Post. I know it’s a pretty long post and honestly I’ve probably forgotten stuff and definitely wasn’t able to go into my opinions on all of their music. I think I might do a series of posts going into my thoughts about each album (I originally started this blog with this series in mind), but that’s for another time. Thank you for reading or even just skimming this. The Offspring mean a lot to me (obviously), and I might come back and add onto this post as time passes.

[bittermause]

End of Year Review 2023

It is currently Christmas Eve-Eve at the time of this writing, which can mean only one thing; The End of Year Review for 2023. These past three years held a lot of significant changes and growth for me, most of which I likely wouldn't have experienced had I remained in that horrible part of the mid-west. Despite the mass 'rona pandemic and the constant mental health battles/challenges, 2020-2022 were very good to me and I consider them the best years of my life.

2023 is a welcoming addition to that train.

The first major reason were the goals I set at the end of 2022, all of which were achieved without fail (to a point);

I continued making animated shorts, but only produced 2. However, this was a good glow up year for The Boris Blobinski Show! I got to manage a smaller production team, consisting of my talented friends, and together we banged out a beautifully animated episode!

I got my contact lenses! However I haven't really worn them since I left the optometrist's office. I still intend on using these for when I go swimming or to the spa, but I can see why some people aren't crazy about this option.

I finally got my hair dyed, and it wound up being a vibrant cherry red. Had it done back in March, and most of my hair is still pretty red despite the roots coming in.

Been losing a small chunk of weight still, which means I was able to convert to smaller shirt and pants sizes.

I did a lot more exploring this year! I finally secured my Californian rite of passage by visiting In-N-Out burger, discovered a couple awesome local bakeries, and went to the movies for the first time in years. First major achievement was going to Universal for the first time ever and visiting Nintendo Land! The second biggest crowning achievement was the daytrip to The Ventura Harbor in April, where I got to board a small wildlife sea cruise and witness dolphins, whales, sea lions and seals.

I got back to working on comics again, and produced two short stories for a larger collective that is still in production. Second major reason were the events that weren't planned out of the gate, but were absolutely welcomed;

I saved enough money to get a new desktop PC built. My friend from Colorado flew down and spent the week with me, partially to help get the PC built to proper standards and to also spend some quality time together in person.

I started freeway driving practice mid-year; taking smaller steps to feel more comfortable driving in the faster/wider lanes without having my PTSD invoked. I have a long way to go, but even driving within a 5 mile radius is still worth celebrating, especially since I've actively avoided freeway driving for most of my life.

My best friend is finally coming to visit me at the end of December! I have not seen them in person since 2016, and it will be their first time visiting my apartment space as well.

As far as plans for 2024 go, here's what I have on the docket;

I will be going to an actual jury duty selection at the end of January for the first time. (Exciting, I know!) I'm curious to see what the process is like, but I hope I can dismiss myself from the proceedings. (Respectfully, of course.)

I plan on hosting another friend visit me around the Spring/Summer.

I will be working on a very ambitious episode of The Boris Blobinski show that will take up most of the first quarter of my year.

I will continue my weight loss regimen as I have started back in 2021. As of this writing I am now down to 186 lbs. This is actually pretty close to my first goal, but I want to continue this trend until I hit between 135-140.

I still want to do more local travel and discover new venues. I'm eyeballing Downtown Ventura and will likely add a few more intended places to my list.

Attend activity based events like Life Drawing and other art related functions. As an artist, it's important I find different means to shake the rust off of my skills, and as a human I need to start making efforts in social connections again.

Continue freeway driving practice to the point where I can actually go beyond 5 miles comfortably.

Continue working on my one shot comics, see if I can at least produce two more stories before building a website/platform to host them all.

Outside of Boris Blobinski, I want to be more active in the animation space again and make a few more originals outside of that project.

Lastly, I want to look into Toon Boom Harmony official Certification. I've worked with the program for over 10 years, both for traditional hand-drawn animation and character rigging, and I would love to have that piece of recognition. Hell, I am not against the idea of applying as an instructor if I can get that far!

Of course I don't think I'll be able to jump into everything as intended. I know 2024 will also be met with some unexpected surprises, but I'll gladly welcome them all the same. And lastly, before we pull the plug on this, I want to thank everyone involved in my life that has made 2023 a fantastic experience. You know who you are.

[butch-reidentified]

https://www.tumblr.com/butch-reidentified/719996145360830465/butch-reidentified-vaspider

i'm trans and i have issues with several of these bullet points but honestly that first one is just true and i'm genuinely at a loss about what to do ab it bc for some reason the community has decided that since we're accused falsely by transphobes, any accusation whatsoever is inherently transphobic. like, i never see these people talk about what to do if you ARE assaulted by another transfem- it's SO fucking clear the answer is 'suck it up and be quiet' and i worry that having a demographic in the community that can unilaterally not be held accountable *is* going to start drawing in creeps if it hasn't already. but if i say that, i'll be excommunicated from a community i care about and have been a part of for most of my life. like, why is it safer to say this to a fucking radfem than to my own community?

I'm really genuinely sorry to hear this. The truth is, all else aside, I've found WAY more love, support, and acceptance among radfems (even when I disagree with the majority of them on something! that's actually allowed here!) as a sex-dysphoric, happily medically transitioned person than I EVER found when I was half-heartedly slapping a gender label on myself and participating 24/7 in irl + online trans spaces and online transactivism.

I always felt so uncomfortable in trans spaces with the fact that respecting the pronouns of r-pists and abusers was always the focus of conversation over making sure we actually held such people accountable, called them out, refused to make space for them, and looked out for their victims. Even with the trans woman who was a serial abuser who primarily, like 90%, targeted trans people as her victims, the response was that all 15 or so victims who spoke out were transmisogynistic/transphobic liars - even though about half were MTF themselves, and all but one or two were trans in some manner or other. And there were photographs from injuries some victims had sustained, and many screenshots of damning things the perpetrator had said. It became more and more clear to me that when trans women were accused of sexual assault, abuse, or similar behaviors, the community was more concerned about how this might make trans people look (optics) and about making sure everyone knew that even serial r-pists and partner beaters MUST be treated as their identified gender no matter what. The focus was never on intra-community accountability or caring for victims, whether those victims were trans themselves or not. It always upset me. Idk how I tolerated it for as long as I did.

NO ONE should have to live in fear of being ostracized from their community for speaking up about abuse and/or violence. That was one of the major red flags that started pushing me away despite still considering myself trans in a material, non-ideological sense. There were many others, some of which the following paragraph sort of hints at. But if I'm being 100000% real, I realized more and more how much I was lying to myself (and as a result, to others) after I started separating from trans spaces.

As for your last question, it's safer to say this in radfem spaces because: 1. Radfems are extremely anti-abuse, anti-sexual violence, etc. no matter what. We don't just recite mantras about believing victims - we take doing so in practice very seriously. 2. Radfems encourage dissent, critical thinking, civil discourse even within radical feminism. It's easy to feel safe because you aren't walking on eggshells, constantly watching every tiny word you speak/type, terrified that you'll phrase something slightly wrong just once and lose your entire social group and support system overnight.

I find it very easy to exist within my corner of radblr. I don't have to be afraid to ask questions or not understand something. I feel genuinely supported and given room to breathe and grow in every way, especially intellectually, which I now have the clarity to realize felt so thoroughly stifled in trans spaces. I don't feel restricted or constrained, I don't feel constantly anxious. I no longer have that unsettling deep-down awareness of being disconnected from the "normie" offline world, so to speak - and since leaving Oz and returning to the normal world, my irl relationships have healed and flourished. I've also been able to be a much better friend to my trans loved ones, because they have largely been excommunicated from the "trans community" for their own "thought crimes" as well. I'm not constantly checking myself for thought crimes, and as a result, I trust myself more and am more confident in my views, thought processes, and analyses.

Your community should damn well support you. Your community should take you seriously when you speak out about abuse. I wish I could say you were an exception or an outlier, but there's a reason I have SO many trans friends who want nothing to do with the "community." I really am sorry. I see that struggle and that isolation in many of my friends and neither they nor you deserve to feel that way.

[drbtinglecannon]

Herlock Sholmes! And Barok

Oh boy my favorite loser addicts!

This got really long lmao so under the cut.

Herlock

I am admittedly a little anxious getting these two because typing this up I realized almost all my thoughts on them are extremely unpopular lol so I need everyone to prommy not to kill me 🙏

How I feel about this character

Ngl I hated his ass in 1-2 haha I was mourning Kazuma so bad, but he grew on me quickly like some kind of fungus. I was routinely laughing but cringing at the shit this guy did on screen. I do have qualms with how he handled the Iris situation (like. A Lot of them...he needlessly caused her so much more anguish by letting her think any parent of hers was still alive and by keeping her at arms length because he didn't think he was worthy to assume the role of dad even tho she imprinted on him like a duckling, not to mention the whole parentification she went through due to his issues) but I find him to be a fascinating flawed individual with a really fucking good design, I want his clothes so bad, also his theme is great. He lies but he wants to do what's right but he's manic but he's got a delicate ego but he's hilarious

Also round of applause to Herlock for giving us the Dance of Deduction, sure it dragged on at times but it was fun, extra applause for the dance around a bomb that one case

All the people I ship this character with romantically

Vanlock. I don't vibe with him x anyone else for a variety of reasons, none of them being "it's problematic" (short of like. Something actually illegal) so much as "I don't like that age gap" or "I don't like that ship because it makes one or both of them kinda scummy if they were fucking around" etc (like he knew Kazuma was alive, it would make him such a jackass if he was with Ryuu while Ryuu was grieving Kazuma y'know?)

He and Barok have bitter exes energy the few times they interact which is already hilarious but also post canon everything wrt Iris would result in a ridiculous co-parenting situation. I think there's a lot of interesting angst & healing potential between the little family dynamic there and I have written & read a lot on it, they're just really funny. It can be wholesome or toxic!

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I do think that maybe back in the day Herlock had unrequited feelings he never acted on that Yujin politely pretended not to notice

*prepares myself to get shot* hm/mk. I know they're the Sherlock Watson duo, but they are an iteration of it where I love their weird platonic friendship and not the romantic/sexual angle. They are inarguably important to each other and I think being platonic makes it more interesting the way they connected and kept in touch the entire time since they separated. Herlock brings out a levity & silliness in Yujin that's funny to see, and was almost certainly a major catalyst in Yujin healing from the loss of Ayame

My unpopular opinion about this character

I know some shippers think it's romantic that Herlock considered Yujin to be Iris's real dad but I think it was irresponsible and selfish of him to do that, considering Yujin did not seem to feel that way himself and poor Iris suffered for years from it. Like bro YOU'RE her dad! (He gets there eventually tho)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened in canon with this character

Ryuu should've punched him in the face when he realized his involvement in Kazuma's "death"

Barok

How I feel about this character

My poor little meow meow, the saddest wettest prosecutor. He's hot and his theme fucks really hard and he sucks so much but it's soooooo funny for the most part. It's interesting how difficult he is interpersonally to Ryuu & Susato (bc he's a racist bitch) while also being one of the most helpful prosecutors in the series from the gate. He's such a bitch about it the entire time tho but he really does indulge any stupid argument as he genuinely cares for justice (EXCEPT with Soseki he just wants to ruin that poor guy's life)

I get a bit defensive of being a bvz fan because like, yes he is racist, but also he's a British noble from 1899-1900ish he realistically would've been so much worse irl (almost every British char you interact with is racist 😔). I guess it's just like, this is the setting of the game, and it's completely understandable that's a deal breaker for people!!, but the fandom at large back in the height of when the duology localization came out was extremely aggressive against anyone even vaguely amicable to him. He's supposed to be a flawed yet sympathetic antagonist, he's the main prosecutor that's how the entire series has operated!! He also does show genuine remorse and dedication to change by the game's end, and I think it's important to let flawed characters get better because we need to let flawed people get better. He's realistic in an ugly way

All the people I ship this character with romantically

I do think the idea of Barok having a small crush on Ryuu post canon is funny tho, but I don't think he'd act on it. That's also the only vibe I get for gen//baro because there is absolutely no way Genshin would return such feelings when Klint is right there being a sluttier age appropriate option

Again just vanlock. I am very picky on ships, sorry to be boring haha.

To go a little more after my comments above, vanlock just drove me absolutely insane right after I finished the games, and some of my favorite fanfic I ever read was a series about their growing relationship post canon. I left comments so long I went over word count, which is as impressive as it is embarrassing! I also wrote a lot of fic for them, at one point I had the most posted by 1 author haha

My non-romantic OTP for this character

My unpopular opinion about this character

Barok & Ryuu, they have the funniest rapport. I actually didn't realize "learned friend" was lawyer slang when I originally played the games, I thought Barok was just being a cunt and Ryunosuke decided "fine I'll be cunt too, bitch" when he started saying it back. Bvz pal he just wants to be your friend but you're so mean and intimidating haha! The way Ryunosuke just approaches him in 2-3 and is like "Soooooo heard your brother got murdered" and then later that same day shows up at his office with Iris, calls Barok ugly and Klint hot in the same sentence, and the two of them just harass him until he finally runs out of things to say, god it was so fucking hilarious.

The only way that entire scene would've been better was if Barok's desk was smashed and poorly reassembled like in the concept art

I like him haha

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon

I always wished he cared a bit about his sil, especially because his ass is not beating the incest allegations with how heartbroken he was about Klint & being British nobility in the 1800s 😭 it's difficult being a fan of this loser

I understand why Klint would be most important, but I prefer baskerzieks being genuinely in love and Lady B as another doting older sibling to Barok, so I wish he had acknowledged the tragic death of her too. I do wonder if part of why they kept her so far from any bit of the story is because Iris looks SO MUCH like her to the point it would make him look extremely foolish not putting 2&2 together when he first met Iris

Oh also Shu Takumi please. Please tell us how he got his facial scar. You told us how Enoch had white hair which isn't even that weird for aa why did you not tell us how a main character got a facial scar that he has an animation where he touches it? Please

[inevitably-johnlocked]

i am def interested in coma fics, specifically ones where john is in a coma 👀

Hello Lovely!

Whee! I'm excited to share this long-awaited list with you! I've not many of my own recs, so I did a quick tag-search on my MFL list, so I added those as well. Hope y'all enjoy, and as always, friends, add any that you may have!

COMAS

See also:

Hospital Fics

Hospitals Pt 2

Giveaway Fic #9 - Angsty Sick Fic/Sherlock is Sick by ConsultingPurplePants (T, 1,734 w., 1 Ch. || Sick Fic, Hypothermia) – The next time he awakens is even more chaotic. Two doctors are shouting at each other in the corner, and John is holding his hand so tightly Sherlock is worried he’ll break it. Part 9 of 1000 Tumblr Followers Giveaway Fics

A Room of One's Own by whitchry9 (K+, 2,174 w., 5 Ch. || S2 Timeline, Hurt/Comfort, Supernatural, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Coma, John Whump, Worried Sherlock, POV John, Angst, Friendship/Bromance, Hospital) – When a severe head injury lands John in a coma, somehow he ends up in Sherlock's mind palace. It's actually pretty nice there, and John is entertaining the notion of staying there, rather than returning to his broken body. But Sherlock isn't taking it as well, and John can feel him breaking around him.

The Deafening Silence by occasionally-maybe-never (T, 2,238 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Major Character Death, Post-TRF) – 'Sherlock hopes fiercely that John can hear him, as sometimes coma patients can. He knows that John will understand, that his admission of love isn't a grand, sweeping romantic statement, but simply an expression of truth.' When Mycroft retrieves Sherlock to bring him home, it's not to John having dinner, but to John on his death bed.

As You Wish by PipMer (K, 3,311 w., 1 Ch. || Bromance/Pre-Slash/Epic Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, John Whump, Hospitals) – When John woke from his coma, he wasn't at all surprised to see the wrong Holmes brother sitting at his bedside. Disappointed, but not surprised. 

I See You Through by belovedmuerto (T, 12,078 w., 8 Ch. || Psychic AU || Empath John, Alternate TGG, Whump, Nightmares, Bedsharing, Slow Burn, Pre-Slash) – John has never asked Sherlock about his past, his childhood, the reason he quails in lonely misery almost every time he sees his brother. He’s never needed to. Part 2 of An Experiment in Empathy

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Rupert Street by WritingOutLoud (M, 27,262 w., 9 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting || Case Fic, Sexuality, Demisexual Sherlock, Drugging, Smart John, Sherlock Has Internalized Biphobia, Fluff, Angst with Happy Ending, Gay Bar, Flirting, John Manipulates Sherlock to Eat, John Deduces, Arguments, Kidnapping/Torture, Hospitalization, John Whump) – Discharged from the war with nothing but the clothes on his back and a realisation of his bisexuality, John Watson has to learn who he’s become. He can’t afford London on an army pension, but the city is the only friend he has. In an effort to understand his newfound queer identity, he heads to a bar one night, where he stumbles across a mysterious stranger who turns his life upside down. ‘I dug around inside myself, and I'm not quite sure what I found, but it was beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.’

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror(E, 29,773 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John's...

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by  ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic / Meta Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Demisexual Sherlock, Holmes Family, John Whump, Gay Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Drug Addiction, Parenting, TFP is a Nightmare, Virgin Sherlock, Slow Burn, Minor Character Death, Switchlock, John’s Past, Sherlock’s Past, Eurus, Love Confessions) –Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

MARKED FOR LATER

Awake by greymantledlady (G, 2,178 w., 1 Ch. || Pilotverse || UAP ASiP Fix It, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Hospital Love Confessions, Getting Together, Awkward John, Coma Dream, Sick Fic) – Pilotverse fix-it in which Sherlock is initially in a coma and the events of S1-4 are a kind of lucid dream. Also, hospital confessions, clearing the air, soft pilotverse Sherlock and John, and John Not Hitting Sherlock.

Fugue (n.) by reyiosa (NR [G], 3,281 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Universe || Post-TRF, Hospital, Hallucinations, Coma, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, It Was All A Dream) – A Sherlock AU were it turns out Sherlock has made up his whole life with John as a consulting detective while stuck in a coma caused by an overdose. The real John is just a kind doctor at the hospital that sits by Sherlock’s bed and reads him detective stories.

The A.G.R.A. Complex by SilentAuror (E, 19,563 w., 1 Ch. || Freebatch RPF || Brain Injury, Reality/Sherlock Crossover, Altered Perceptions, Angst, Motorcycle Accident, Sherlock is a Coma-Dream, Martin POV) – Martin Freeman wakes from a brief coma during which he dreamed the entire Sherlock series. As he recovers from his brain injuries, he has trouble distinguishing between reality and the Sherlock universe in his dream. This impacts his relationships with both Amanda, whom he cannot stop seeing as A.G.R.A., and his friend and sometime colleague Benedict, who is Sherlock to his John. Part 1 of The A.G.R.A. Complex

Whenever it's right (AKA First Date) by Aliea (M, 26,493 w., 15/? Ch. || WiP || London Underground, Explosions, Doctor John, Sherlock Whump, Angst, Hospitals, Mind Palace John, Coma, Past Drug Use, Big Brother Mycroft) – Meeting the person you have been searching for all your life, never knowing that you have been searching until its over and you have them before you. What happens when you fall in love at first sight then everything goes to hell? Do you stay or go, take the risk or run for the hills. John has has never ran from anything, so he wasnt going to run from the man that changed his life in less than five seconds.

Where The Ghosts Have Voices by HappyJuicyfruit (M, 37,691 w., 12 Ch. || Supernatural AU || Ghosts, Magical Realism, Light Horror, Fluff and Smut, John Can See Ghosts, John Whump, Emotional Manipulation, Dark Magic, Coma, Injury Recovery, Blow Jobs, Anal, Happy Ending, John’s Past, Mr Holmes, Powerful John, Holmes Brothers, Sherlock’s Past, Past Viclock, Drug Abuse, Hair Pulling) – John has lived his whole life as an outcast. It is only when he meets Sherlock, that be realizes being a freak might not be such a bad thing, and that the curse he has lived with his whole life may be a gift after all.

Having Your Cake by SilentAuror (E, 44,615 w., 1 Ch. || Freebatch RPF || POV Martin, Open Infidelity, HLV/TAB Filming, Jealousy, Angst, Drama, Hotel Sex, Twitter) – Set four years after Martin's temporary brain injury that caused his universe to shift between reality and his coma dream of the Sherlock universe, Martin's history with Benedict comes back to haunt them both as they attempt to make sense of the relationship between their characters during the filming of His Last Vow. They are forced to face the question of whether they're interpreting the scripts objectively or are biased because of their personal history. As Martin deals with the difficulty of separating real life from fiction, he also has to make a decision that will affect the rest of his life as he knows it. Part 2 of The A.G.R.A. Complex

NO! by Tildathings (M, 50,043 w., 36 Ch. || Homophobia, Bed Sharing, Military Uniforms, Past Abuse, Jealous John, Stalking, Violence, First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Pillow Talk, Coming Out, Sherlock’s Past, Shower, Cuddling, Grief and Sorrow, Hugs, Character Death) – Sherlock has been in a coma in over 8 months after he overdosed on the plane at TAB, during which time Mary and Rosie were killed by Vivian Norbury.  This story starts 3 weeks after Sherlock has woken up. John is asking to move back to Baker Street.

In Absentia by SeaweedWrites (T, 79,273 w., 39 Ch. || TRF Divergence, Major Character Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Realism, Car Accident, Traumatic Brain Injury, Hospital, Sherlock in a Coma, Physical/Psychological Rehab, Sensory Issues, Heavy Angst, Drama, Sherlock Whump, Biog Brother Mycroft, Depression, Nightmares, Panic Attacks) – Sherlock sends John a mysterious text. While John waits for Sherlock to come back to 221B to explain, Sherlock is involved in a terrible car crash, and everyone's lives are irrecoverably changed. Will Sherlock survive? And the bigger question for John- If he does survive, will he ever be the same? Part 1 of the In Absentia Fics and Information

Out There by DiscordantWords (T, 131,695 w., 10 Ch. || X-Files Fusion || Slow Burn, UST, Case Fic, Government Conspiracy, Aliens, UFOs, Mutants, Mutual Pining, First Kiss, Coma) – FBI Special Agent John Watson, medical doctor and army veteran, is assigned to assist eccentric genius Sherlock Holmes with paranormal investigations on the X-Files project.

[robinruns]

Food/weight thoughts under the cut. 0/10 would not read

1. If I stop and think about it, I've eaten well today (apples, trail mix, protein bar, salad with chicken and a diet soda), but my brain is like "yOuVe EaTeN LiKe sHiT tOdAy, JuSt LeAn InTo iT!" And wants me to just go stuff garbage into my face

2. I was looking up my new medication (IF MY INSURANCE EVER APPROVES IT) and not only is it for ADHD, but it also is used to treat binge earing disorder. I've not been diagnosed with BED, but I do have a tendency to binge eat to the point where I feel like I cannot control myself or my actions. So, if this helps that as well, maybe I'll be able to get my weight back under control.

3. I am very dissatisfied with my weight currently. I do feel like if I eat appropriately (see item 1) I won't see any sort of weight loss, but if I eat peanut butter straight out the jar with a spoon after dinner, I'll be up 3 pounds the next day. Like I cannot get downward trajectory going. Plus I feel like working out more is making me hungrier and I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all and I'm getting very frustrated.

4. This isn't food or weight related specifically, but my coach is going on vacation and she put workouts in my calendar for next week but only 1 is a run and I'm so confused. Like where are my other runs? Should I ask? I don't wanna be annoying though. I'm always afraid I'm gonna bug her and she'll be like "ugh chill out, i'll get you your stupid runs, leave me alone you needy little type A loser!!"

(She's never said anything like that to me, I know I'm projecting, but I won't let that stop me)

5. Getting back to weight, I think I get in my head about it because I've never previously lost weight in an appropriate way, and I don't know the last time I saw any sort of relatable weight loss content. You only see people who are trying to lose 200 pounds, not 20 pounds, because the only acceptable weight loss nowadays is the major sort that is ONLY for health reasons and if you even think for a second about it being for anything else, "FUCK YOU! YOU'RE (insert list of -phobics and -ists here)!!!! HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE YOURSELF BECAUSE SOMEHOW THAT REFLECTS ON MEEEEE"

I'm just a bit tired of all this, can you tell? It's only been two-thirds of my life that I've been dealing with all this. 🙃

[msjr0119]

This life

PART ONE

The majority of characters belong to Pixelberry from The Royal Romance/Heir. This is an A/U - with only parts being linked to canon.

Series warnings ⚠️: Adult language, sexual, adultery, loss of a baby.

Based on the Netflix series- Sex/life. A few parts of dialogue are from the tv series.

Please do not read unless you are over 18 🔞

Tags: Because I’ve been gone MIA in like forever I don’t know who’s here anymore 🙈… so only tagging people who have asked previously.

@ao719 @kingliam2019 @txemrn

Previously: Introduction

****

School psychologists aren't supposed to write books or diaries about sex. Doing so would be considered 'unethical' and 'a fireable offense'. Lucky for you, ethics was never my strong suit.

****

“It’s good to see you, Brooks.”

“It’s Cooper-“ Due to the shock, this was the only thing that Riley could mutter. Finally making eye contact, he gave her the refined look of innocence. “My surname is now, Cooper.”

They say that New York City is one of the worlds best places to take a run. Running was never my forte- I impersonated Phoebe in that one episode of Friends. The emotional pain that I felt in this moment, I’m not sure how many miles my body could suffer before shutting down…

“Riley! Wait!”

****

Olivia Nevrakis was never one to leave the house without looking presentable. Her attire generally consisted of stiletto’s which matched anything that contained sequins. She always used to say that she wore these type of shoes for self defence. In the frantic attempt to catch up with Riley, this one time she accepted that sneakers would have to do.

“Where’s, Riley?” Liam questioned as he scrutinised the unusual appearance from their friend.

“I’m glad I’ve found you- I don’t know. I assumed that she came back here, to you both?”

“What do you mean, Olivia?” There was no need for an explanation- the figure that ambled towards them confirmed the reason behind Riley’s disappearance.

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

“It’s a free country, Linz…. Liam, looking good bro!”

“Listen to what I’m about to say, Drake.. I am not your ‘bro’…” Exaggerating the word ‘bro’, Drake took a big gulp as Liam squared up towards him. “If anything happens to Riley- I will kill you this time!”

“You haven’t got it in you, Li-“ The tension between the two old friends, could have exploded due to the overload of built up anger that had been formed over the years. Olivia ‘sacrificed’ herself, separating them both- as they continued providing death stares. Neither wanted to throw the first fist or insult any further- in that moment there was the realisation that they both wanted the same thing. For Riley to be found- safe. Drake stepped back, and to everybody’s surprise expressed a slight bit of remorse.

“I fucked up, Li. I know that. I regret it each and every day. At least she has Preston to look after her, he’s a lucky guy.”

“Preston is an intelligent and caring….” This slight description stabbed Drake in the heart- if given an opportunity Lindsey would continue to dig the ‘knife’ as revenge for the pain that he had caused her sister. “Preston… he’s… The most an amazing three year old.”

“Excuse me?”

“Preston is my nephew- Riley’s son.” Awareness had finally hit, Drake- he had his wires crossed. Wishing that he hadn’t mentioned Preston, the confirmation of his identity now pulled on his heartstrings. Concealing his true feelings, he nodded to the trio- before leaving without another word.

“Lindsey, Liam- myself and Drake… it’s not what you are both assuming. I would never do that to, Ri. I can explain. It was just bad timing.” Olivia pleaded her innocence- she now knew that the jetlag would have to be put on hold whilst she explained the unexpected return of Drake Walker.

****

January 3rd

Let’s try this again. Drama. Life is always full of it in my case. The life of Riley Brooks. It probably would make more entertainment than the Kardashian’s.

Alcohol acts in crazy ways. It affects people differently. It can make you feel invisible- or at least it did for me tonight. I still can’t remember how I had the energy or knowledge on how to get home safely. Walking up the drive, I noticed my snobby and nosey neighbours- Hannah and Neville peering out the window. My brain was informing me to provide them with the middle finger gesture. Instead I gave a friendly neighbour wave along with the biggest fake smile that I could provide. The curtain soon shut as the pair probably scurried away like the rats that they are. What dickheads. If I know Hannah well, I can predict that she will visit tomorrow with a basket full of freshly baked muffins waiting for the tea to be spilled. The women here believe that they are the real life ‘Desperate Housewives’. Riverside may appear to be a seemingly perfect neighbourhood but like Wisteria Lane - here it more than likely also hides; many secrets, crimes, forbidden romances and domestic struggles.

Betrayal. It can occur in different ways. But you never expect it to happen with people whom you loved. The same two people who you trusted with all your heart once upon a time.

My husband is as gorgeous inside as out. I’ve never once caught him looking at another woman. To be honest, I’ve never caught him in a lie- or had proof to prove any potential deceit. So what’s the problem?

“Honey, where are you?”

“I’m upstairs, Nate.”

“Ri, things have been super crazy at work. You have no idea.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re talking post-merger madness. Everyone is just angling for a position. They are all trying to show off for the new boss, you know.” Katrina- fantastic, little miss perfect Katrina. You can say her name, Nate. “She’s great, she wants to do all the things that I want to do- but on a much larger scale.”

“Wow.” Attempting to show a slight bit of interest, Riley didn’t realise how sarcastic that she may have sounded.

“Yeah, people are swarming- but she sees me. She loves me.” Nate noticed that Riley was in a daze, as she didn’t respond to him immediately. Laying next to her, he planted an attentive kiss on her forehead. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. I just miss you.”

“Excuse me. It’s her.” Acting dumb, Riley knew exactly who was on the other line. It’s a bit late for a work business call. “It’s her, my boss…. I won’t be long, Ri…’Katrina, hey! How are you?’” Laughing during his conversation, Riley couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed like that towards her.

The problem for Katrina, Nate Cooper is married to me. Before I met him, I had been contorted into a high percentage of the positions in the Kama sutra. Shouldn’t we all? There was rich guys, poor guys, tattooed guys, the one night stand guys. Any kind of man. Do I sound like a whore?

“We’ll sit down tomorrow just you and I, to discuss it Kat. See you then, bye.” Kat? Pet names now. The old boss was known as Mr Wilson- not by first name terms.

“Told ya, Ri. She loves me.”

“Who doesn’t?” Riley replied again in a sarcastic type of way.

I bet people often wonder why I married some man who was so straight-laced as to say. Honestly, it’s because of all the past encounters- especially, Walker. My nerves were so shot by the time that I had met Nate. As I’ve said previously I was vulnerable. My heart was riding on fumes- the stability that he offered was a soothing balm. At the time, I wanted us to live for a hundred years and die at the exact same moment to avoid any pain. I hoped that our souls would find each other on the other side- if that truly exists. We could fall in love all over again….I just also want to fuck Nate’s brains out, mainly as a distraction from the impromptu night that I have just had. Is that too much to ask?

****

January 4th

Last night or rather this morning was a complete disaster… When you have the urge to fuck your partner- you need to do it there and then, right? Why is it so hard to both be in the mood at the same time once you are married with kids? The way things are at the moment, I feel I’m like a reborn virgin.

“I’m sorry, I forgot to ask. Ioana mentioned that Liam and Lindsey came over. You should have gone out.”

That supportive look that he provided, was the complete opposite of what he would have really expressed. If he knew the truth, the calmness of his voice would be a different matter. Is he a controlling husband? Maybe. Protective- yes. What he doesn’t understand, is that I need to let my hair down once in a blue moon.

“I wasn’t up to it.”

To prevent my lie from being exposed I turned my phone into ‘Do not disturb’ mode.

“Besides, you’re back now….”

I reach down, making the first move. Faking orgasms- does anyone else do this?

“It’s so good.”

“Sorry, Ri- I can’t…. I’m too tired.”

Drake would never do that. He would see to all my needs. Why am I comparing them?

“Pass me the vibrator.”

It’s been nearly two years since Nate went down on me for example. I grew an entire human being in my body in half of that time.

“For fuck sake!”

I feel like screaming, due to the frustration of not only Nate ‘dying’ on me but now B.O.B does it too.

“Fuck it.”

After a slight yawn followed by a stretch, Nate snuggled into Riley-completely oblivious to his wife’s dissatisfaction. “Night baby.”

It wasn’t always like this. As much as children are a blessing- is this the reason that explains the loss of Nate’s libido or is it truly down to his work load? The passion we had has now declined, faded into something that is now virtually non existent. This must be the definition of growing up; getting married and living the family routine with a waning passion. Now I’m starving. Internally screaming at him from inside my mind trying to make us feel - something. Love is a drug, that’s what they say- right? Adrenaline. I can get that feeling again, every time I close my eyes - going back to any one of those nights in the past- I feel it. It’s not some allusive high that I’m chasing- it is - or was, real. That was the other Riley Brooks- the true, me. A wild-child. How can a girl fuck up with every relationship? I don’t know how I manage to do it? Maybe I should have worked on my brief relationship with Liam- my now brother in law. But, that’s a different story which included a poor teenage waitress in a dive bar and Lady Liberty.

****

January 5th

For this entry, I cannot allow for it to be discovered by Nate.

Deceit- the act or practice of deceiving; concealment or distortion of the truth for the purpose of misleading; duplicity; fraud; cheating. For me, today is just not informing my husband about the full truth. It’s in my past and something that I don’t like to ponder about. I’m still living through this nightmare behind closed doors. If he was ever to ask the reasoning behind this date- I have Lindsey as ‘my excuse’. We have previously had a discussion - to get our stories straight if Nate was ever to discover the true events about this day. The fifth of January always creeps up, then it’s gone in an instant- until it reappears each year.

****

Slowly walking up the path, there was the sense of tranquility. Silent neighbours. The slight wind enabled the tree branches to sway in sync.

“Hey, Linz”

“About fucking time, Riley! I’ve been worried sick about you! Are you okay? I’ve tried ringing you-“

“I’ve had no missed-“ Riley soon remembered that she hadn’t deactivated the ‘Do Not Disurb’ mode on her phone.

“I’m fine- I just… every year, we always meet here at the same time. Where are you? Why have you put flowers down without me?”

“That’s what I’m trying to explain, I’m stuck in traffic. I’ve rang you a few times mainly about the delay but also to discuss about you leaving the other night without telling us.”

“Linz, if you didn’t put these flowers here- who did?”

“Riley-“

“Linz, I’ll ring you back.” Sensing company, Riley focused on the shadow hovering over her.

“There’s a bunch of New York’s finest flowers from, Olivia. She wasn’t sure if you wanted to see her or not as you haven’t returned any of her calls. So I offered to bring them…. It’s been too long since I’ve been here, myself.”

The callused hand gently removed the crinkly yet rusty coloured leaves that floated effortlessly in-front of them.

“The teddy is a gift from me. I hope that you don’t mind?”

Reaching out to the bear, Riley pulled it close to her chest- holding it tightly, it felt to her as if the world had just crashed. Again. The defence mechanisms that she would usually excel in, were now paper thin. Before she could have reacted, his hands gently drew her closer towards him as he knelt down to her level.

“Please…. Don’t touch me. I’m fine.”

The heat from this touch rapidly creeps into my consciousness - needing to pull away, I couldn’t. It’s like a magnet, drawing us closer- unable to separate this unexpected bond. Pulling his head back, he ran his hand through my hair before gently wiping away the tears that were now everlasting.

“You clearly aren’t fine, which is understandable. If you want me to go, I will.”

As I sink further into his torso attempting to hide my emotions, I inhale his aftershave- which has now sent me into a coma. My heart and brain have different scenarios imaged in my mind. What am I doing?

“You have a right to be here as much anyone- Drake.”

- - -

Jackson

Our sleeping angel

01/05/2014

Sweet little flower

Of heavenly birth

You were too precious

To bloom on earth

Love you always, Mommy and Daddy xxx

[stormboundscholar]

Journal Entry

31.13.2023

Hey everyone. I hope you guys have been doing well! I haven't posted in a while because things have been just a little hectic. I just wanted to post once again before the year ended.

It has been... Interesting lately. I've had my share of ups and downs. My studies are a major part of my life (probably to an unhealthy level) so my exam results effect my overall mood. This is usually manageable, but I I had a streak of bad exam results around two weeks ago and I had to change my life a little bit. I am trying to be a little more grounded, and to study a bit more than usual. It's worked so far, and I am starting to see some results too. I hope that I can keep this up.

I could continue talking about work, it would probably be more appropriate for a study blog like this one. But to be honest I am just not feeling it today. You may notice a sharp tone change after this paragraph because I just want to vent a little.

I want to be honest, It has been a hard year.

I am a perfectionist. I expect a lot more from myself than I should. But I just feel like I don't have a choice, or maybe I am just continuing a mistake.

I am tired. I am basing my identity on my achievements. I have seen this before on a lot of media that I consume. I am becoming an arrogant asshole because I am just not fit for the job.

I live in a developing country. Fuck developing, you could just say poor. I was born a male and in my nation that means it is my responsibility to provide. I don't want to be poor, and I don't want a theoretical family I may have to be poor. The only way I can do that is if I get into a good university and then a good job. So I feel like I have to be one of the best. But I can't handle the work load.

I am also very alone. I have been neglecting my family, my friends, and people that I would have wanted to know more deeply. I feel that it has been getting harder and harder for me to join their conversations, and I feel like an observer rather than a participant in conversations. I am rotting in a prison I built myself, only my echoes to talk with.

My body is also a mess. I can't continue my weight loss for some reason. It's probably because I have been almost completely sedentary lately. Also haven't been getting much sleepor sunlight. It's a wonder that I am still alive despite all of that.

I think that this is burnout. I am showing a lot of symptoms of it at least.

I don't know what to do. I have so many things to manage but I'm not strong enough. I feel as if I am failing to keep up with everything in my life.

Fuck is it bad. I built a rube goldberg machine of fuck-ups to ruin my life.

I will try to be better this year. Despite everything my situation could still be fixable.

Sadly my first priority for the next 5 months will still be my studies. I have dug that hole too deep to climb out of it.

I may try to be a little more active. Some bodyweight exercises should be a little helpful. I have also been taking the stairs instead of escalators lately so that could help.

Friends are a bit tricky. I haven't had a serious hobby since last year and that limits my conversations. I'm also a little distant to them which makes conversations challenging. I also learnt that some people find me intimidating which could be pushing them away. Fuck do I have a lot to do on this front.

I also decided to try being a little more romantic this year. I'm 18 and I haven't even had a date before, maybe having a partner will help with loneliness. So I will be a little more daring this year on this front.

An incredibly depressing list of goals for 2024. It's pretty much the same as last year's list, except I am starting from a worse point. I still hope that I can use these goals as ideals for who I want to be.

If you've read this, thank you. I wouldn't want to spread my pain to others but my brain still wants to be heard. If you skipped to the end, well all that you'd miss is yet another person whining about life. Nothing exceptional.

Good night everyone and good luck with whatever troubles you might be having!