#i make myself not feel for a reason. the two major losses in my life are this person and my dog.

[cuntwrap--supreme]

Finishing the part of Bleach that matters and realizing I am Rangiku Matsumoto fr fr

· ginger ✔️

· tig ol' bitties ✔️

· pining after someone who is extremely emotionally unavailable and not being able to let them go no matter how horribly they treat you ✔️

[buckysegan]

With all my gratitude, hope and returned adoration - Part Two

Summary: John writes back to his friend from home and we hear from our friend across the way. John x She. Word Count: 1.2k. A/N: we are def rolling with some historical inaccuracies in regards to letters here but sue me. he deserves it. pstttt also should we name her? do you all want to send me random john prompts. my baby isn't ok and i'm not ok. Part one linked here. Part three linked here.

John was sure he wasn't sweating a normal amount as he looked down at the piece of paper that Buck had offered him. It had taken two whole days of questions from the man for Bucky to even decide that he was going to reply. He’d been offered the hope, what more could he ask of her. Could he ask more? There had been a return address on the letter which Buck had insisted was there for a reason and she had opened herself out for a reply from him but the Major couldn’t help but be unsure.

It was an odd feeling for him, before the war he hadn't been unsure of anything and since he’d been here? Well he hadn’t been sober enough to doubt anything that he had done. These days though Bucky felt like he doubted every single thing. The thing was, he wasn't sure that he could afford to doubt this, to look past the life line that had been offered to him. Not when each day he could feel his mind draw a little further toward the edge no matter how much he or Buck tried to keep it in check.

With a sigh he pulled the pen into his hand, eyes locked on the page for a moment before he began to scrawl.

Dear Friend From Home 

You’re gunna have to forgive me because I ain’t going to be as good as this as you are. I’ve written so many letters this war you would think that I’d have gotten a handle on it by now but I find myself at a loss when it comes to what to say to you. 

I think the first thing I got to say is thank you. I don’t know if the words I can put on paper are ever going to really tell you how much your letter meant to me. See I was a certain type of man that didn’t think much to pen pals. I figured that I’d be ok, you know, that with my boys I’d have what I needed to make it through the hard days but watching the letters for everyone else roll in has been harder than I thought it might. 

There are things that I can’t tell you cause I don’t know who might read these letters, and where I am I can’t get you no picture but I can tell you that my favorite dish is a meat and potato pie, simple I know but really I’m a simple hearty kind of guy. What makes me laugh, you asked? That’s kind of simple for me too, just good company, myself sometimes, Buck, he’s my best friend, he makes me laugh a lot. What makes you laugh? I’d like to know that. 

May I know where you are? I know that might be a big ask but you said I could ask anything I know and if I get out of here…we get some leave, I’d like to know where I need to ask for me leave to be. Then I can show you what I sound and look like and know that in return. 

If this letter doesn’t reach you for a while, know you’ve been with me the whole time. 

With all my gratitude, hope and returned adoration

Major John Egan 

“What if she doesn’t get it?” He found himself questioning quietly to Buck as he handed over the letter to make it out of camp. His best friend settled him with a soft look, one that always made Bucky feel like he had some worldly knowledge the rest of them had missed out on, that assured him everything was going to be alright. “You just gotta have hope she will John, she’ll get it.” 

With a huff Bucky nodded, pulling his hat on as he watched his letter vanish from his view all together. “Alright well I can’t sit here and wonder, I’m off to play baseball or something.”

The letter that Bucky had so carefully handed over changed hands many more times, some fingers as rough as the pilots, some dirtier, some softer, but the last set of fingers to slide the letter from her post box had perfectly manicured fingers. Her flicking of her post was greedy as she looked for the same thing that she had every day since she’d posted her own letter.

At first, her hopes of finding what she was looking for had been unrealistic; she knew that, it hadn’t even been long enough for her letter to be received, let alone for him to get one back to her, then the other girls at the centre, they’d gotten letters back, notes, anything. That was when she had allowed her hope to return, for a moment at least. Days without anything had turned into weeks and then weeks had turned into months. Anything could have happened, that was what she tried to tell herself, he might not have gotten her letter, he might have thought it was weird and had chosen not to reply. That thought was enough to miff her, he could have at least said thank you. When she had decided no one could be that mean, her diminishing hope had turned to worry, what if he hadn't been able to receive her letter.

Flicking through each white envelope today, she almost missed it, how she didn't know because it was clearly different from the rest of them, maybe she hadn't wanted to look. "Not…" Trailing off she flicked back to the second to last letter, her eyes taking in the scrawling of her address, her eyes checking the postage before she was taring inside. "It's here, he wrote it's here." She called through the halls to the other girls that she lived with, all of which had been holding their breath with her. "Oh god I can't read it, what if he's telling me I was weird!" She cried, thrusting the unopened letter into the hands of her eager friend.

"Don't be dramatic, he's going to be throwing down his gratitude at you being a doll, you should have attached a picture with it I told you!" Meg beamed easily back at her, the same sense of reservation missing from her actions as she tore into the letter so that it could be read to the group. "Dear Friend From Home. You’re gunna have to forgive me because I ain’t going to be as good as this as you are. I’ve written so many letters this war you would think that I’d have gotten a handle on it by now but I find myself at a loss when it comes to what to say to you." That was enough, pulling the letter from Megs hands she was quick to scramble away from the group once more, locking herself into her room as re-read the opening line herself, the tears in her eyes only welling even further as she continued.

An ache in her chest formed as she read the words once more, taking in each strike of his pen where he had corrected himself or smudge from whatever he'd had on his fingers. The state of the letter was enough to make her wonder, but at least for now, she knew her friend was ok. He was alive, and he wanted to hear more from her. It couldn't have been normal, to feel this level of emotion for a man that she had never met, but she had found herself here regardless and in the middle of so much uncertainty, she wasn't going to question the pull she felt across the way to England.

Pushing from her bed she moved to her desk, paper pulled from her stationary pot, the quicker she could post this the quicker it could get to him.

"Dear Major Egan,

I'm delighted to hear I'm with you. I hope you know, that you've been with me too…"

[dcbbw]

Knock, Knock

Dearest Tumblrs,

I know I have been MIA for the longest of times, but I haven’t left y’all yet. My father died 46 days ago. I’m still processing that, still getting used to the presence of his absence. I have spent the majority of 2024 caring for two parents while holding down a full-time job; differentiating between sickness and illness, conditions and diseases, and watching a loved one fall into an invincible decline and eventually succumb to the inevitable.

I have never experienced profound loss before, and it is a hurt unlike any other I have ever experienced. I thought because I was there, I saw it unfolding in real time 24/7 that I would be prepared when the time came.

I was not. I never was.

I’m still grieving, still reeling from the sucker-punch that is death, still tiptoeing around a landmine of emotions, all while being a productive employee and dutiful daughter and caretaker to my remaining parent.

I don’t sleep well (and haven’t for over a year), listening for bumps and cries in the night and waiting to hear my name called because I’m needed. I don’t go out unless it’s to run errands: grocery store, car maintenance, pick up prescriptions. I spend 9 hours at a paid job (forgoing my lunch hour so I can come home and make beds, empty commodes, and fix lunch for my mom; before dad’s decline got too bad, I fed them both).

There’s laundry to wash, dry, fold; bathrooms to clean, floors to mop, rooms to sweep and vacuum, meals to cook. Mail and packages have to be both sent out and brought in. And since dad left, I have to take care of what is left of his business as well as get help with keeping the house standing. The furnace had to be replaced; there was a gas leak and piping had to be repaired and restored. The main sewer line was clogged and had to be cleared. I still need to find a reliable yard person to rake and bag the leaves.

 I’m strong because I have to be, not because I want to be.

During all of this, dealing with reality and life, all I wanted to do was write. To lose myself in worlds I create, to detach myself from transition and death and ever-mounting bills. My head is filled constantly with thoughts, ideas, and dialogue; perhaps now I may be able to find/make time and have more focus to get back to what calms me, what I feel I do well, and makes me happy.

I have so many stories to finish (my masterlist is a huge pile of incompletes) and start, but these are the stories and AUs in the works:

Babylon—Dolos: The Homeland AU dealing with international current events

Babylon—Belly of the Beast: The Homeland AU fictionalizing the 2024 election

 Watercoolers and Coffeepots—the DC AU gang’s take on the 2024 election within the workplace

Sex and the Middle-Aged Divorcee—what’s it like being a 54-year-old woman in the world of online dating

Single—UnRomance is back with a follow-up to this storyline

Tuesday’s Child—an OC-centric story about a family whose patriarch is dying (any similarities between my family (or yours) is purely coincidental

Hospital Lost—a medical drama AU drawn largely on St. Elsewhere, ER, and Grey’s Anatomy which will be a crossover cluster. Imagine Open Heart with focus on emergency room patients and a lot more staff

I feel it’s only fair to warn you that I’ve decided to give up creative writing for writing creatively; if my writing reads/feels differently, this is the reason why.

This is all I have for now, but hopefully I will be back soon. Since I have ZERO idea who’s left, tagging the few I know are still active in the TRR/TRH/TRF sub-fandom. Feel free to let me know if you want on or off the taglist.

Tagging: @angelasscribbles @kristinamae093 @kingliam2019 @indiacater @twinkleallnight @tessa-liam @bebepac

[dallasgallant]

Ok so it’s @your-unfriendlyghost w/ that goddamn Ao3 comment 🥲

For whatever reason, Ao3 keeps sayin that “We can’t upload your comment because the content is blank” when it like. CLEARLY ISN’T. I dunno what’s going on with that, so I’ll just paste it here 😭

(This is the comment I woulda commented on chapter 2 btw lol)

“Well, twenty-five just makes ya a delinquent… you ain’t a ‘juvenile’ then, man, it don’t got the same ring to it, ya know?” Steve muttered. < Damn, this is SUCH A GOOD LINE. It’s so real, yk? Like I know I personally get swept up in the fantasy of it all- of greasers and JDs and the adrenaline of teen rebellion- but someday (pretty soon now) I’ll grow up. And then it won’t be so fun anymore. For all the lousy stuff that comes with it, it’s fun bein a kid- But when I’m an adult I won’t be a cool rebel for pulling the shit I do now, I’ll just be sort of a loser. I dunno how to process that sometimes. But it’s nice seeing all that confusion put into words as succinctly as you did.

Was that it? Their only two options? Lose your life or your identity? Die young, hard and fast — just like everyone’s waiting for. Or grow up and watch your denim collar turn blue. <Ugh again this is painfully real. You capture the feelings of being a sorta wild teenager so damn well. And the line about denim collars turning blue is so like…poetic too. It’s real and also real pretty, yk?

Steve had never been particularly fond of the idea of aging, but he didn’t want to be a bum like Two-bit or a con like the Brumly boys. He realized when morning came, none of them would mention tonight. Not how it really was. <This is such a sad but significant insight. Both bits are- Steve’s acknowledgement of the fact that the future is coming, and the point that no one would talk about tonight- or at least not the real, raw, tragedy of it. You just don’t DO that, especially not as a group of teenage guys in the 60s, but even nowadays you don’t, least in my groups. And how can you? How can you make sense of that, of seeing something so gruesome and being so helpless…holy hell, I guess what I’m getting at is that this was a real observant point.

Their tears would be buried alongside their friends, and they’d come to accept some twisted narrative that served to make them feel better, instead. That’s what he’d do; make it about justice rather than loss. Feed his anger into some kind of action. He’d always been better with his hands than his words. <man I sound like a broken record here, but this is so real. I don’t like how true this rings. But like I do, yk? And god, it feels like so much of a STEVE thing to think, and a Steve way of saying it. You’ve really nailed his voice.

Anyhow, sorry for takin’ a minute to comment- after ao3 deleted the vast majority of my last one I couldn’t bring myself to type up anything substantial for a bit- but I needed to get it out at some point, because this is such an amazing fic. This bit of commentary just scratches the surface, because there’s so much I love here. Once again, great job.

Ahhhhhhh thank you, I honestly love this so much. Taking the time to point out these little details and things you relate to. It’s djsjsnsms glad people notice this stuff you know?

Not to make you have a comment get deleted on ao3 again but would love to hear chapter 3 thoughts or anything else you want about the fic lol. Love your insight.

—

I get that. I tend to romanticize the rebellious, both teen and adult. Idk maybe it’s because I’ve had a comfortable life and all but there’s also so much to go through and experience.

I’m glad this line is getting attention as I was really excited about being all poetic too! Lol, it seemed like the most expressive way to put it without having to over explain, I can’t even begin to imagine having to grapple with putting up such a distinct identity… though I imagine you’d have to pry the vest from Steve’s cold dead hands but we’re talking metaphorical.

Steve and the brand of masculinity all the guys are seeped in is such a fucking interesting thing to explore. Because there’s simultaneously so much fun with all the “boys will be boys” of it all but also… oh… you don’t know how to feel hard emotions in a healthy way.

Also just Steve has grown on me so much and I think it’s really being in his head and it’s he’s more than the best buddy and he has his place in the friend group. His loyalty and sensitivity may compare him to others in the gang but what’s great about him and them is that there’s other aspects that make even those emotions distinct to them.

[thesophistiicate]

I recently started following you after having read your post on upgrading one's personal items for ones of higher quality. Every post since that one has inspired me, more and more each day. Your recent one about "moving in public with a thoughtful brand" was something I felt compelled to write word-for-word in my journal as a constant reminder for myself and something I wanted to touch base on.

I got laid off from my job last fall but months before being let go, I was being given a hard time at my job. I know it has nothing to do with my performance, it's everything to do with how I carry myself. When I got let go, I unfortunately developed the fear of being seen and as a result, I watered myself down as a form of self-preservation (which I was only made aware of by taking some time to sit down with myself, look at images and how I longed for the girl I used to be in pictures a year or even months prior, and feeling disconnected with the person I saw in the mirror in the present). I chopped my hair off, went quiet on socials and going as far as starting new ones to regain my privacy, throwing myself into a hardcore workout regimen, and—for a while—disregarding the things that naturally tickle my brain. Though, in the last few weeks, I can feel myself reawakening. In the last year since being let go, I've gone through a few obstacles that were enough to water myself down further (if it's possible). But there was one major obstacle, which was the unexpected death of my senior dog, and a few back-to-back dead end interviews that awoke something in me. Rather than going further incognito, I've decided to make an appearance to the world again—sharing my passions and the things that make me tick, all without having to risk any boundaries being overstepped. After years of debate, I finally decided to start a blog and write what I know best: myself, and whether that's for myself, for a few or even thousands of subscribers. I'm no longer on hiatus for my moodboard account and have also started to fuse my own imagery/likeness with the collected content. I'm rebuilding my universe again, a brand. I was bullied into hiding, all for what though? I eventually found my way back to what I naturally gravitate towards and what naturally aligns with me. I no longer feel afraid, rather my guard is up but I now know what works for me and what doesn't. I've learned that I can't stop some people from feeling threatened by my presence and I shouldn't hide for that reason. Never say never but for now, I will not remain in hiding. I miss the universe, especially my own. I wanted to share this with you. Share it however you like. But know your words are complete magic.

oh thank you so so much, this message means so much to me! 🤍 i’m so sorry for your loss too.

your message reminds me of something i think of often, how so many extraordinary people i know have been subjected to things like bullying or abuse. it’s like the toxic people of the world see all the light and wonder and potential and want to take it away because it threatens them. i’ve often found people want to “consume” us, own us, have us, but don’t have the slightest idea of how to actually handle us, so break us down to their level instead.

it’s like two sides of a coin, if you learn to lean into who you are and building your own self esteem, getting in touch with your true self and expressing her, then there’s magic. but the dark side is that we can become lost in other people, our brilliance (and attention and energy) is often coveted by those who don’t know how to handle us and it can be profoundly harmful. like somebody buying some exquisite luxury piece in a material like cashmere or suede… when you don’t know how to take care of it, it will be ruined.

and every brilliant woman i’ve known has had phases of retreat, phases that felt like an undoing and a rebirth. in many ways i think it may be necessary for true excellence, when you are levelling up so much that the old life literally has to fall apart and be destroyed so that you can rise from the ashes, reborn. as i’ve gotten older i’ve learned to find the power and comfort in this pattern, i understand things are falling apart to come together and i don’t feel as scared or depressed when it happens.

anyway, i’m just so happy for you finding your way back to yourself and your passion and purpose. this is so powerful and truly exactly why i started this blog 😭🤍

[imthepunchlord]

Don't know if you still write for Miraculous Ladybug, but if you do what are your thoughts on having Adrien die? Not even in an Adrien salt way but in general I think that killing him off could lead to so many interesting paths for a ML fic to go.

It's gradual. Some WIPs I'm trying to figure out how to continue. It's just one of those things to let it stew/come back later.

As for the topic, my gut response is that it feels unnecessarily dark and it feels like angst for Gabriel and/or Marinette, potentially Chloe, Felix, and Nino too. Angst I'm not really interested in writing myself.

I will say, I did have one thought relating to Adrien's death: a reason for Sentidrien's existence.

Idk how a majority feel about the Sentikids, the little I've looked into people seem to just accept it, but I'm not crazy about these rich couples deciding they'd rather have magical feather babies they can fully control than having a kid by any other means that they can easily afford.

So Adrien's death was my answer to this choice of what Adrien was and to try and roll with it better. Adrien Agreste did exist, but died tragically and desperate, grief stricken Emilie just couldn't bear the loss and used the broken Peafowl to recreate her "perfect son".

Emilie got sick, Gabriel doesn't know how to feel about this "Adrien" who looks like his son but isn't and is the cause of Emilie's state. Meanwhile "Adrien" is being the perfect son he was made to be, is confused and hurt by his father's coldness, finds he has fragmented memories of his life and the people he supposedly has known his whole life.

And as I'm not sure a Miraculous should have a power to make actual life (especially as they can snuff it out with a snap of their fingers), I'd say "Adrien" becomes a real boy by being near the two most powerful Miraculous. Cat gradually destroys his connection to his item, and thanks to the Ladybug, it creates something new to replace it.

And it leads to a whole thing of "Adrien" starting to rebel against Gabriel, becoming alive vs the complacent doll he used to be. And "Adrien" learns he's not the true Adrien, that he's a clone made out of grief and love, and has to deal with the reality that he's a fabrication, but he's not like other Sentis either, and wonder if he's truly Adrien or does he like who Adrien used to be, does he even want to be Adrien? And you got Gabriel getting more aggravated as wtf is going on with this doll?

Part of me even thought of him deciding to rename himself Felix to establish a separation better.

But that'd be my answer for what if Adrien did die, it'd be my way to roll with Sentidrien's existence and how I would've made it work.

[hargrove]

「 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I resurrected this blog at the end of 2023, but in these few months, this dash has given me more happiness than I could have imagined. honestly, I came back as a means of escape when I had a major loss in my family and just didn't want to deal with irl. and y'all have been so welcoming and so amazing, that I want to take this moment to hurl my love right in your faces!

@havvkinsqueen ➠ Victoria!!! I was so excited to learn that you were still bombing around on the dash since I last left. your heather was always a treat, but your Chrissy is such a delight and I'm so stoked to have her in Billy's life. you are an absolute gem, a POWERHOUSE of kindness and positivity. you exemplify everything the rp community should be. I type this wearing the bracelet you made for me, it gives me so much good vibes. I really am serious about running around in cosplay at a con with you this coming year. it'll be rad as hell! here's to a whole new year of crazy rp and irl shenanigans!

@zoomingupthathill ➠ I cannot describe the sheer joy I feel every time you're on my dash, Bee. from waaaaay back when I was writing Klaus and you were Katherine, to now in the ST fandom, you always leave me in awe. the love you have for your own muses is infectious and in turn, makes me love them and want the best for them. you know I don't really do exclusives, but I always considered your Max and my Billy a packaged deal. whatever your Max is going through, she can always count on my Billy to have her back. likewise, I am always there for you. you're an amazing talent and an even better friend. I look forward to a whole new year of sibling craziness, as well as other muse stuff. and good lord, CAN WE GET THIS GIRL A LUCAS??? (I'm trying my best to work on it, I am lol).

@thebabysittertm ➠ dude. friendo. bruh. stark. I don't even know where to begin. my favorite kind of rp is the slow burn stuff filled with lots of character development and headcanons and background stuff, etc. it's basically the hardest thing to find but somehow from the moment we started talking, it all just clicked. the details and thought you put into all of your muses is astounding. I adore the thought process you have in your muses' reasoning behind things. and your writing is out of this world! I feel so lucky that I get to bounce hc's and au's off you all day. all of our ideas and stuff makes me so excited and has fueled me to jump back into this hobby only 10 times harder. all your talent aside, you also an incredible friend who I'm so stoked to talk to every day. here's to a 2024 filled with our two idiots!

@malka-lisitsa ➠ how do I even begin to compliment the sheer amount of talent that exudes from you, November?? from muse development, to writing, to graphics, to server maintaining, to... I don't even know what else! seems like you can do it all! I can't lie, when I initially came back to the dash, I was shying away from any and all cross overs because I have so much anxiety in this community and wanted to keep my corner of the world super small. but your Katherine broke through and I'm so glad she did. I love how you took a character that so many people (even the freaking writers of the show!) wrote off as 2 dimensional and you give her life! layers! meaning! she never feels like a self insert style oc, but she feels so much more well rounded than any version we saw on the show. it's honestly admirable the amount of work you've put in. I'm so lucky to count myself as one of your rp partners and I can't wait to see where Billy and Kat will take us in 2024.

I unfortunately don't have the time to write a seperate message to all of the people on my dash, but I still want to tag people that bring me joy every time I see your urls. all of the following has made the past few months (that should have been dark and awful) feel bright and full of hope. I appreciate every single one of you. ➠

@vitaegratis

@edhellfire

@vcnusians

@scarednotscary

@pierprincess / @nancewheelr

@hangtenn

@calistayed

@asiphon

@nexusvcrti

@multi-royalty

@helltothefire

@mhunster

and of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't list my ride or die. the people who make tumblr rp the amazing place that it is, and people that I will cherish always, whether we're writing together or not. y'all are stuck with me! ➠ @seesgood @breakthings @mysharxna 」

[bittermause]

End of Year Review 2023

It is currently Christmas Eve-Eve at the time of this writing, which can mean only one thing; The End of Year Review for 2023. These past three years held a lot of significant changes and growth for me, most of which I likely wouldn't have experienced had I remained in that horrible part of the mid-west. Despite the mass 'rona pandemic and the constant mental health battles/challenges, 2020-2022 were very good to me and I consider them the best years of my life.

2023 is a welcoming addition to that train.

The first major reason were the goals I set at the end of 2022, all of which were achieved without fail (to a point);

I continued making animated shorts, but only produced 2. However, this was a good glow up year for The Boris Blobinski Show! I got to manage a smaller production team, consisting of my talented friends, and together we banged out a beautifully animated episode!

I got my contact lenses! However I haven't really worn them since I left the optometrist's office. I still intend on using these for when I go swimming or to the spa, but I can see why some people aren't crazy about this option.

I finally got my hair dyed, and it wound up being a vibrant cherry red. Had it done back in March, and most of my hair is still pretty red despite the roots coming in.

Been losing a small chunk of weight still, which means I was able to convert to smaller shirt and pants sizes.

I did a lot more exploring this year! I finally secured my Californian rite of passage by visiting In-N-Out burger, discovered a couple awesome local bakeries, and went to the movies for the first time in years. First major achievement was going to Universal for the first time ever and visiting Nintendo Land! The second biggest crowning achievement was the daytrip to The Ventura Harbor in April, where I got to board a small wildlife sea cruise and witness dolphins, whales, sea lions and seals.

I got back to working on comics again, and produced two short stories for a larger collective that is still in production. Second major reason were the events that weren't planned out of the gate, but were absolutely welcomed;

I saved enough money to get a new desktop PC built. My friend from Colorado flew down and spent the week with me, partially to help get the PC built to proper standards and to also spend some quality time together in person.

I started freeway driving practice mid-year; taking smaller steps to feel more comfortable driving in the faster/wider lanes without having my PTSD invoked. I have a long way to go, but even driving within a 5 mile radius is still worth celebrating, especially since I've actively avoided freeway driving for most of my life.

My best friend is finally coming to visit me at the end of December! I have not seen them in person since 2016, and it will be their first time visiting my apartment space as well.

As far as plans for 2024 go, here's what I have on the docket;

I will be going to an actual jury duty selection at the end of January for the first time. (Exciting, I know!) I'm curious to see what the process is like, but I hope I can dismiss myself from the proceedings. (Respectfully, of course.)

I plan on hosting another friend visit me around the Spring/Summer.

I will be working on a very ambitious episode of The Boris Blobinski show that will take up most of the first quarter of my year.

I will continue my weight loss regimen as I have started back in 2021. As of this writing I am now down to 186 lbs. This is actually pretty close to my first goal, but I want to continue this trend until I hit between 135-140.

I still want to do more local travel and discover new venues. I'm eyeballing Downtown Ventura and will likely add a few more intended places to my list.

Attend activity based events like Life Drawing and other art related functions. As an artist, it's important I find different means to shake the rust off of my skills, and as a human I need to start making efforts in social connections again.

Continue freeway driving practice to the point where I can actually go beyond 5 miles comfortably.

Continue working on my one shot comics, see if I can at least produce two more stories before building a website/platform to host them all.

Outside of Boris Blobinski, I want to be more active in the animation space again and make a few more originals outside of that project.

Lastly, I want to look into Toon Boom Harmony official Certification. I've worked with the program for over 10 years, both for traditional hand-drawn animation and character rigging, and I would love to have that piece of recognition. Hell, I am not against the idea of applying as an instructor if I can get that far!

Of course I don't think I'll be able to jump into everything as intended. I know 2024 will also be met with some unexpected surprises, but I'll gladly welcome them all the same. And lastly, before we pull the plug on this, I want to thank everyone involved in my life that has made 2023 a fantastic experience. You know who you are.

[drbtinglecannon]

Herlock Sholmes! And Barok

Oh boy my favorite loser addicts!

This got really long lmao so under the cut.

Herlock

I am admittedly a little anxious getting these two because typing this up I realized almost all my thoughts on them are extremely unpopular lol so I need everyone to prommy not to kill me 🙏

How I feel about this character

Ngl I hated his ass in 1-2 haha I was mourning Kazuma so bad, but he grew on me quickly like some kind of fungus. I was routinely laughing but cringing at the shit this guy did on screen. I do have qualms with how he handled the Iris situation (like. A Lot of them...he needlessly caused her so much more anguish by letting her think any parent of hers was still alive and by keeping her at arms length because he didn't think he was worthy to assume the role of dad even tho she imprinted on him like a duckling, not to mention the whole parentification she went through due to his issues) but I find him to be a fascinating flawed individual with a really fucking good design, I want his clothes so bad, also his theme is great. He lies but he wants to do what's right but he's manic but he's got a delicate ego but he's hilarious

Also round of applause to Herlock for giving us the Dance of Deduction, sure it dragged on at times but it was fun, extra applause for the dance around a bomb that one case

All the people I ship this character with romantically

Vanlock. I don't vibe with him x anyone else for a variety of reasons, none of them being "it's problematic" (short of like. Something actually illegal) so much as "I don't like that age gap" or "I don't like that ship because it makes one or both of them kinda scummy if they were fucking around" etc (like he knew Kazuma was alive, it would make him such a jackass if he was with Ryuu while Ryuu was grieving Kazuma y'know?)

He and Barok have bitter exes energy the few times they interact which is already hilarious but also post canon everything wrt Iris would result in a ridiculous co-parenting situation. I think there's a lot of interesting angst & healing potential between the little family dynamic there and I have written & read a lot on it, they're just really funny. It can be wholesome or toxic!

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I do think that maybe back in the day Herlock had unrequited feelings he never acted on that Yujin politely pretended not to notice

*prepares myself to get shot* hm/mk. I know they're the Sherlock Watson duo, but they are an iteration of it where I love their weird platonic friendship and not the romantic/sexual angle. They are inarguably important to each other and I think being platonic makes it more interesting the way they connected and kept in touch the entire time since they separated. Herlock brings out a levity & silliness in Yujin that's funny to see, and was almost certainly a major catalyst in Yujin healing from the loss of Ayame

My unpopular opinion about this character

I know some shippers think it's romantic that Herlock considered Yujin to be Iris's real dad but I think it was irresponsible and selfish of him to do that, considering Yujin did not seem to feel that way himself and poor Iris suffered for years from it. Like bro YOU'RE her dad! (He gets there eventually tho)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened in canon with this character

Ryuu should've punched him in the face when he realized his involvement in Kazuma's "death"

Barok

How I feel about this character

My poor little meow meow, the saddest wettest prosecutor. He's hot and his theme fucks really hard and he sucks so much but it's soooooo funny for the most part. It's interesting how difficult he is interpersonally to Ryuu & Susato (bc he's a racist bitch) while also being one of the most helpful prosecutors in the series from the gate. He's such a bitch about it the entire time tho but he really does indulge any stupid argument as he genuinely cares for justice (EXCEPT with Soseki he just wants to ruin that poor guy's life)

I get a bit defensive of being a bvz fan because like, yes he is racist, but also he's a British noble from 1899-1900ish he realistically would've been so much worse irl (almost every British char you interact with is racist 😔). I guess it's just like, this is the setting of the game, and it's completely understandable that's a deal breaker for people!!, but the fandom at large back in the height of when the duology localization came out was extremely aggressive against anyone even vaguely amicable to him. He's supposed to be a flawed yet sympathetic antagonist, he's the main prosecutor that's how the entire series has operated!! He also does show genuine remorse and dedication to change by the game's end, and I think it's important to let flawed characters get better because we need to let flawed people get better. He's realistic in an ugly way

All the people I ship this character with romantically

I do think the idea of Barok having a small crush on Ryuu post canon is funny tho, but I don't think he'd act on it. That's also the only vibe I get for gen//baro because there is absolutely no way Genshin would return such feelings when Klint is right there being a sluttier age appropriate option

Again just vanlock. I am very picky on ships, sorry to be boring haha.

To go a little more after my comments above, vanlock just drove me absolutely insane right after I finished the games, and some of my favorite fanfic I ever read was a series about their growing relationship post canon. I left comments so long I went over word count, which is as impressive as it is embarrassing! I also wrote a lot of fic for them, at one point I had the most posted by 1 author haha

My non-romantic OTP for this character

My unpopular opinion about this character

Barok & Ryuu, they have the funniest rapport. I actually didn't realize "learned friend" was lawyer slang when I originally played the games, I thought Barok was just being a cunt and Ryunosuke decided "fine I'll be cunt too, bitch" when he started saying it back. Bvz pal he just wants to be your friend but you're so mean and intimidating haha! The way Ryunosuke just approaches him in 2-3 and is like "Soooooo heard your brother got murdered" and then later that same day shows up at his office with Iris, calls Barok ugly and Klint hot in the same sentence, and the two of them just harass him until he finally runs out of things to say, god it was so fucking hilarious.

The only way that entire scene would've been better was if Barok's desk was smashed and poorly reassembled like in the concept art

I like him haha

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon

I always wished he cared a bit about his sil, especially because his ass is not beating the incest allegations with how heartbroken he was about Klint & being British nobility in the 1800s 😭 it's difficult being a fan of this loser

I understand why Klint would be most important, but I prefer baskerzieks being genuinely in love and Lady B as another doting older sibling to Barok, so I wish he had acknowledged the tragic death of her too. I do wonder if part of why they kept her so far from any bit of the story is because Iris looks SO MUCH like her to the point it would make him look extremely foolish not putting 2&2 together when he first met Iris

Oh also Shu Takumi please. Please tell us how he got his facial scar. You told us how Enoch had white hair which isn't even that weird for aa why did you not tell us how a main character got a facial scar that he has an animation where he touches it? Please

[inevitably-johnlocked]

i am def interested in coma fics, specifically ones where john is in a coma 👀

Hello Lovely!

Whee! I'm excited to share this long-awaited list with you! I've not many of my own recs, so I did a quick tag-search on my MFL list, so I added those as well. Hope y'all enjoy, and as always, friends, add any that you may have!

COMAS

See also:

Hospital Fics

Hospitals Pt 2

Giveaway Fic #9 - Angsty Sick Fic/Sherlock is Sick by ConsultingPurplePants (T, 1,734 w., 1 Ch. || Sick Fic, Hypothermia) – The next time he awakens is even more chaotic. Two doctors are shouting at each other in the corner, and John is holding his hand so tightly Sherlock is worried he’ll break it. Part 9 of 1000 Tumblr Followers Giveaway Fics

A Room of One's Own by whitchry9 (K+, 2,174 w., 5 Ch. || S2 Timeline, Hurt/Comfort, Supernatural, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Coma, John Whump, Worried Sherlock, POV John, Angst, Friendship/Bromance, Hospital) – When a severe head injury lands John in a coma, somehow he ends up in Sherlock's mind palace. It's actually pretty nice there, and John is entertaining the notion of staying there, rather than returning to his broken body. But Sherlock isn't taking it as well, and John can feel him breaking around him.

The Deafening Silence by occasionally-maybe-never (T, 2,238 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Major Character Death, Post-TRF) – 'Sherlock hopes fiercely that John can hear him, as sometimes coma patients can. He knows that John will understand, that his admission of love isn't a grand, sweeping romantic statement, but simply an expression of truth.' When Mycroft retrieves Sherlock to bring him home, it's not to John having dinner, but to John on his death bed.

As You Wish by PipMer (K, 3,311 w., 1 Ch. || Bromance/Pre-Slash/Epic Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, John Whump, Hospitals) – When John woke from his coma, he wasn't at all surprised to see the wrong Holmes brother sitting at his bedside. Disappointed, but not surprised. 

I See You Through by belovedmuerto (T, 12,078 w., 8 Ch. || Psychic AU || Empath John, Alternate TGG, Whump, Nightmares, Bedsharing, Slow Burn, Pre-Slash) – John has never asked Sherlock about his past, his childhood, the reason he quails in lonely misery almost every time he sees his brother. He’s never needed to. Part 2 of An Experiment in Empathy

I Think I've Come A Long Long Way To Sit Before You Here Today by ArwenKenobi (T, 18,251 w., 3 Ch. || Grief/Mourning, Passage of Time, Major Character Death, Alternating POV, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Hospitalization, Coma, Revenge Murders, Hallucinations, Love Confessions, Brutal Accident, Mystrade, Ghost John) – One year after John is killed Sherlock starts to wonder whether John has actually gone anywhere.

Rupert Street by WritingOutLoud (M, 27,262 w., 9 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting || Case Fic, Sexuality, Demisexual Sherlock, Drugging, Smart John, Sherlock Has Internalized Biphobia, Fluff, Angst with Happy Ending, Gay Bar, Flirting, John Manipulates Sherlock to Eat, John Deduces, Arguments, Kidnapping/Torture, Hospitalization, John Whump) – Discharged from the war with nothing but the clothes on his back and a realisation of his bisexuality, John Watson has to learn who he’s become. He can’t afford London on an army pension, but the city is the only friend he has. In an effort to understand his newfound queer identity, he heads to a bar one night, where he stumbles across a mysterious stranger who turns his life upside down. ‘I dug around inside myself, and I'm not quite sure what I found, but it was beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.’

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror(E, 29,773 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John's...

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by  ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic / Meta Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Demisexual Sherlock, Holmes Family, John Whump, Gay Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Drug Addiction, Parenting, TFP is a Nightmare, Virgin Sherlock, Slow Burn, Minor Character Death, Switchlock, John’s Past, Sherlock’s Past, Eurus, Love Confessions) –Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

MARKED FOR LATER

Awake by greymantledlady (G, 2,178 w., 1 Ch. || Pilotverse || UAP ASiP Fix It, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Hospital Love Confessions, Getting Together, Awkward John, Coma Dream, Sick Fic) – Pilotverse fix-it in which Sherlock is initially in a coma and the events of S1-4 are a kind of lucid dream. Also, hospital confessions, clearing the air, soft pilotverse Sherlock and John, and John Not Hitting Sherlock.

Fugue (n.) by reyiosa (NR [G], 3,281 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Universe || Post-TRF, Hospital, Hallucinations, Coma, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, It Was All A Dream) – A Sherlock AU were it turns out Sherlock has made up his whole life with John as a consulting detective while stuck in a coma caused by an overdose. The real John is just a kind doctor at the hospital that sits by Sherlock’s bed and reads him detective stories.

The A.G.R.A. Complex by SilentAuror (E, 19,563 w., 1 Ch. || Freebatch RPF || Brain Injury, Reality/Sherlock Crossover, Altered Perceptions, Angst, Motorcycle Accident, Sherlock is a Coma-Dream, Martin POV) – Martin Freeman wakes from a brief coma during which he dreamed the entire Sherlock series. As he recovers from his brain injuries, he has trouble distinguishing between reality and the Sherlock universe in his dream. This impacts his relationships with both Amanda, whom he cannot stop seeing as A.G.R.A., and his friend and sometime colleague Benedict, who is Sherlock to his John. Part 1 of The A.G.R.A. Complex

Whenever it's right (AKA First Date) by Aliea (M, 26,493 w., 15/? Ch. || WiP || London Underground, Explosions, Doctor John, Sherlock Whump, Angst, Hospitals, Mind Palace John, Coma, Past Drug Use, Big Brother Mycroft) – Meeting the person you have been searching for all your life, never knowing that you have been searching until its over and you have them before you. What happens when you fall in love at first sight then everything goes to hell? Do you stay or go, take the risk or run for the hills. John has has never ran from anything, so he wasnt going to run from the man that changed his life in less than five seconds.

Where The Ghosts Have Voices by HappyJuicyfruit (M, 37,691 w., 12 Ch. || Supernatural AU || Ghosts, Magical Realism, Light Horror, Fluff and Smut, John Can See Ghosts, John Whump, Emotional Manipulation, Dark Magic, Coma, Injury Recovery, Blow Jobs, Anal, Happy Ending, John’s Past, Mr Holmes, Powerful John, Holmes Brothers, Sherlock’s Past, Past Viclock, Drug Abuse, Hair Pulling) – John has lived his whole life as an outcast. It is only when he meets Sherlock, that be realizes being a freak might not be such a bad thing, and that the curse he has lived with his whole life may be a gift after all.

Having Your Cake by SilentAuror (E, 44,615 w., 1 Ch. || Freebatch RPF || POV Martin, Open Infidelity, HLV/TAB Filming, Jealousy, Angst, Drama, Hotel Sex, Twitter) – Set four years after Martin's temporary brain injury that caused his universe to shift between reality and his coma dream of the Sherlock universe, Martin's history with Benedict comes back to haunt them both as they attempt to make sense of the relationship between their characters during the filming of His Last Vow. They are forced to face the question of whether they're interpreting the scripts objectively or are biased because of their personal history. As Martin deals with the difficulty of separating real life from fiction, he also has to make a decision that will affect the rest of his life as he knows it. Part 2 of The A.G.R.A. Complex

NO! by Tildathings (M, 50,043 w., 36 Ch. || Homophobia, Bed Sharing, Military Uniforms, Past Abuse, Jealous John, Stalking, Violence, First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Pillow Talk, Coming Out, Sherlock’s Past, Shower, Cuddling, Grief and Sorrow, Hugs, Character Death) – Sherlock has been in a coma in over 8 months after he overdosed on the plane at TAB, during which time Mary and Rosie were killed by Vivian Norbury.  This story starts 3 weeks after Sherlock has woken up. John is asking to move back to Baker Street.

In Absentia by SeaweedWrites (T, 79,273 w., 39 Ch. || TRF Divergence, Major Character Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Realism, Car Accident, Traumatic Brain Injury, Hospital, Sherlock in a Coma, Physical/Psychological Rehab, Sensory Issues, Heavy Angst, Drama, Sherlock Whump, Biog Brother Mycroft, Depression, Nightmares, Panic Attacks) – Sherlock sends John a mysterious text. While John waits for Sherlock to come back to 221B to explain, Sherlock is involved in a terrible car crash, and everyone's lives are irrecoverably changed. Will Sherlock survive? And the bigger question for John- If he does survive, will he ever be the same? Part 1 of the In Absentia Fics and Information

Out There by DiscordantWords (T, 131,695 w., 10 Ch. || X-Files Fusion || Slow Burn, UST, Case Fic, Government Conspiracy, Aliens, UFOs, Mutants, Mutual Pining, First Kiss, Coma) – FBI Special Agent John Watson, medical doctor and army veteran, is assigned to assist eccentric genius Sherlock Holmes with paranormal investigations on the X-Files project.

[msjr0119]

This life

PART ONE

The majority of characters belong to Pixelberry from The Royal Romance/Heir. This is an A/U - with only parts being linked to canon.

Series warnings ⚠️: Adult language, sexual, adultery, loss of a baby.

Based on the Netflix series- Sex/life. A few parts of dialogue are from the tv series.

Please do not read unless you are over 18 🔞

Tags: Because I’ve been gone MIA in like forever I don’t know who’s here anymore 🙈… so only tagging people who have asked previously.

@ao719 @kingliam2019 @txemrn

Previously: Introduction

****

School psychologists aren't supposed to write books or diaries about sex. Doing so would be considered 'unethical' and 'a fireable offense'. Lucky for you, ethics was never my strong suit.

****

“It’s good to see you, Brooks.”

“It’s Cooper-“ Due to the shock, this was the only thing that Riley could mutter. Finally making eye contact, he gave her the refined look of innocence. “My surname is now, Cooper.”

They say that New York City is one of the worlds best places to take a run. Running was never my forte- I impersonated Phoebe in that one episode of Friends. The emotional pain that I felt in this moment, I’m not sure how many miles my body could suffer before shutting down…

“Riley! Wait!”

****

Olivia Nevrakis was never one to leave the house without looking presentable. Her attire generally consisted of stiletto’s which matched anything that contained sequins. She always used to say that she wore these type of shoes for self defence. In the frantic attempt to catch up with Riley, this one time she accepted that sneakers would have to do.

“Where’s, Riley?” Liam questioned as he scrutinised the unusual appearance from their friend.

“I’m glad I’ve found you- I don’t know. I assumed that she came back here, to you both?”

“What do you mean, Olivia?” There was no need for an explanation- the figure that ambled towards them confirmed the reason behind Riley’s disappearance.

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

“It’s a free country, Linz…. Liam, looking good bro!”

“Listen to what I’m about to say, Drake.. I am not your ‘bro’…” Exaggerating the word ‘bro’, Drake took a big gulp as Liam squared up towards him. “If anything happens to Riley- I will kill you this time!”

“You haven’t got it in you, Li-“ The tension between the two old friends, could have exploded due to the overload of built up anger that had been formed over the years. Olivia ‘sacrificed’ herself, separating them both- as they continued providing death stares. Neither wanted to throw the first fist or insult any further- in that moment there was the realisation that they both wanted the same thing. For Riley to be found- safe. Drake stepped back, and to everybody’s surprise expressed a slight bit of remorse.

“I fucked up, Li. I know that. I regret it each and every day. At least she has Preston to look after her, he’s a lucky guy.”

“Preston is an intelligent and caring….” This slight description stabbed Drake in the heart- if given an opportunity Lindsey would continue to dig the ‘knife’ as revenge for the pain that he had caused her sister. “Preston… he’s… The most an amazing three year old.”

“Excuse me?”

“Preston is my nephew- Riley’s son.” Awareness had finally hit, Drake- he had his wires crossed. Wishing that he hadn’t mentioned Preston, the confirmation of his identity now pulled on his heartstrings. Concealing his true feelings, he nodded to the trio- before leaving without another word.

“Lindsey, Liam- myself and Drake… it’s not what you are both assuming. I would never do that to, Ri. I can explain. It was just bad timing.” Olivia pleaded her innocence- she now knew that the jetlag would have to be put on hold whilst she explained the unexpected return of Drake Walker.

****

January 3rd

Let’s try this again. Drama. Life is always full of it in my case. The life of Riley Brooks. It probably would make more entertainment than the Kardashian’s.

Alcohol acts in crazy ways. It affects people differently. It can make you feel invisible- or at least it did for me tonight. I still can’t remember how I had the energy or knowledge on how to get home safely. Walking up the drive, I noticed my snobby and nosey neighbours- Hannah and Neville peering out the window. My brain was informing me to provide them with the middle finger gesture. Instead I gave a friendly neighbour wave along with the biggest fake smile that I could provide. The curtain soon shut as the pair probably scurried away like the rats that they are. What dickheads. If I know Hannah well, I can predict that she will visit tomorrow with a basket full of freshly baked muffins waiting for the tea to be spilled. The women here believe that they are the real life ‘Desperate Housewives’. Riverside may appear to be a seemingly perfect neighbourhood but like Wisteria Lane - here it more than likely also hides; many secrets, crimes, forbidden romances and domestic struggles.

Betrayal. It can occur in different ways. But you never expect it to happen with people whom you loved. The same two people who you trusted with all your heart once upon a time.

My husband is as gorgeous inside as out. I’ve never once caught him looking at another woman. To be honest, I’ve never caught him in a lie- or had proof to prove any potential deceit. So what’s the problem?

“Honey, where are you?”

“I’m upstairs, Nate.”

“Ri, things have been super crazy at work. You have no idea.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. We’re talking post-merger madness. Everyone is just angling for a position. They are all trying to show off for the new boss, you know.” Katrina- fantastic, little miss perfect Katrina. You can say her name, Nate. “She’s great, she wants to do all the things that I want to do- but on a much larger scale.”

“Wow.” Attempting to show a slight bit of interest, Riley didn’t realise how sarcastic that she may have sounded.

“Yeah, people are swarming- but she sees me. She loves me.” Nate noticed that Riley was in a daze, as she didn’t respond to him immediately. Laying next to her, he planted an attentive kiss on her forehead. “What’s up?”

“Nothing. I just miss you.”

“Excuse me. It’s her.” Acting dumb, Riley knew exactly who was on the other line. It’s a bit late for a work business call. “It’s her, my boss…. I won’t be long, Ri…’Katrina, hey! How are you?’” Laughing during his conversation, Riley couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed like that towards her.

The problem for Katrina, Nate Cooper is married to me. Before I met him, I had been contorted into a high percentage of the positions in the Kama sutra. Shouldn’t we all? There was rich guys, poor guys, tattooed guys, the one night stand guys. Any kind of man. Do I sound like a whore?

“We’ll sit down tomorrow just you and I, to discuss it Kat. See you then, bye.” Kat? Pet names now. The old boss was known as Mr Wilson- not by first name terms.

“Told ya, Ri. She loves me.”

“Who doesn’t?” Riley replied again in a sarcastic type of way.

I bet people often wonder why I married some man who was so straight-laced as to say. Honestly, it’s because of all the past encounters- especially, Walker. My nerves were so shot by the time that I had met Nate. As I’ve said previously I was vulnerable. My heart was riding on fumes- the stability that he offered was a soothing balm. At the time, I wanted us to live for a hundred years and die at the exact same moment to avoid any pain. I hoped that our souls would find each other on the other side- if that truly exists. We could fall in love all over again….I just also want to fuck Nate’s brains out, mainly as a distraction from the impromptu night that I have just had. Is that too much to ask?

****

January 4th

Last night or rather this morning was a complete disaster… When you have the urge to fuck your partner- you need to do it there and then, right? Why is it so hard to both be in the mood at the same time once you are married with kids? The way things are at the moment, I feel I’m like a reborn virgin.

“I’m sorry, I forgot to ask. Ioana mentioned that Liam and Lindsey came over. You should have gone out.”

That supportive look that he provided, was the complete opposite of what he would have really expressed. If he knew the truth, the calmness of his voice would be a different matter. Is he a controlling husband? Maybe. Protective- yes. What he doesn’t understand, is that I need to let my hair down once in a blue moon.

“I wasn’t up to it.”

To prevent my lie from being exposed I turned my phone into ‘Do not disturb’ mode.

“Besides, you’re back now….”

I reach down, making the first move. Faking orgasms- does anyone else do this?

“It’s so good.”

“Sorry, Ri- I can’t…. I’m too tired.”

Drake would never do that. He would see to all my needs. Why am I comparing them?

“Pass me the vibrator.”

It’s been nearly two years since Nate went down on me for example. I grew an entire human being in my body in half of that time.

“For fuck sake!”

I feel like screaming, due to the frustration of not only Nate ‘dying’ on me but now B.O.B does it too.

“Fuck it.”

After a slight yawn followed by a stretch, Nate snuggled into Riley-completely oblivious to his wife’s dissatisfaction. “Night baby.”

It wasn’t always like this. As much as children are a blessing- is this the reason that explains the loss of Nate’s libido or is it truly down to his work load? The passion we had has now declined, faded into something that is now virtually non existent. This must be the definition of growing up; getting married and living the family routine with a waning passion. Now I’m starving. Internally screaming at him from inside my mind trying to make us feel - something. Love is a drug, that’s what they say- right? Adrenaline. I can get that feeling again, every time I close my eyes - going back to any one of those nights in the past- I feel it. It’s not some allusive high that I’m chasing- it is - or was, real. That was the other Riley Brooks- the true, me. A wild-child. How can a girl fuck up with every relationship? I don’t know how I manage to do it? Maybe I should have worked on my brief relationship with Liam- my now brother in law. But, that’s a different story which included a poor teenage waitress in a dive bar and Lady Liberty.

****

January 5th

For this entry, I cannot allow for it to be discovered by Nate.

Deceit- the act or practice of deceiving; concealment or distortion of the truth for the purpose of misleading; duplicity; fraud; cheating. For me, today is just not informing my husband about the full truth. It’s in my past and something that I don’t like to ponder about. I’m still living through this nightmare behind closed doors. If he was ever to ask the reasoning behind this date- I have Lindsey as ‘my excuse’. We have previously had a discussion - to get our stories straight if Nate was ever to discover the true events about this day. The fifth of January always creeps up, then it’s gone in an instant- until it reappears each year.

****

Slowly walking up the path, there was the sense of tranquility. Silent neighbours. The slight wind enabled the tree branches to sway in sync.

“Hey, Linz”

“About fucking time, Riley! I’ve been worried sick about you! Are you okay? I’ve tried ringing you-“

“I’ve had no missed-“ Riley soon remembered that she hadn’t deactivated the ‘Do Not Disurb’ mode on her phone.

“I’m fine- I just… every year, we always meet here at the same time. Where are you? Why have you put flowers down without me?”

“That’s what I’m trying to explain, I’m stuck in traffic. I’ve rang you a few times mainly about the delay but also to discuss about you leaving the other night without telling us.”

“Linz, if you didn’t put these flowers here- who did?”

“Riley-“

“Linz, I’ll ring you back.” Sensing company, Riley focused on the shadow hovering over her.

“There’s a bunch of New York’s finest flowers from, Olivia. She wasn’t sure if you wanted to see her or not as you haven’t returned any of her calls. So I offered to bring them…. It’s been too long since I’ve been here, myself.”

The callused hand gently removed the crinkly yet rusty coloured leaves that floated effortlessly in-front of them.

“The teddy is a gift from me. I hope that you don’t mind?”

Reaching out to the bear, Riley pulled it close to her chest- holding it tightly, it felt to her as if the world had just crashed. Again. The defence mechanisms that she would usually excel in, were now paper thin. Before she could have reacted, his hands gently drew her closer towards him as he knelt down to her level.

“Please…. Don’t touch me. I’m fine.”

The heat from this touch rapidly creeps into my consciousness - needing to pull away, I couldn’t. It’s like a magnet, drawing us closer- unable to separate this unexpected bond. Pulling his head back, he ran his hand through my hair before gently wiping away the tears that were now everlasting.

“You clearly aren’t fine, which is understandable. If you want me to go, I will.”

As I sink further into his torso attempting to hide my emotions, I inhale his aftershave- which has now sent me into a coma. My heart and brain have different scenarios imaged in my mind. What am I doing?

“You have a right to be here as much anyone- Drake.”

- - -

Jackson

Our sleeping angel

01/05/2014

Sweet little flower

Of heavenly birth

You were too precious

To bloom on earth

Love you always, Mommy and Daddy xxx

[stormboundscholar]

Journal Entry

31.13.2023

Hey everyone. I hope you guys have been doing well! I haven't posted in a while because things have been just a little hectic. I just wanted to post once again before the year ended.

It has been... Interesting lately. I've had my share of ups and downs. My studies are a major part of my life (probably to an unhealthy level) so my exam results effect my overall mood. This is usually manageable, but I I had a streak of bad exam results around two weeks ago and I had to change my life a little bit. I am trying to be a little more grounded, and to study a bit more than usual. It's worked so far, and I am starting to see some results too. I hope that I can keep this up.

I could continue talking about work, it would probably be more appropriate for a study blog like this one. But to be honest I am just not feeling it today. You may notice a sharp tone change after this paragraph because I just want to vent a little.

I want to be honest, It has been a hard year.

I am a perfectionist. I expect a lot more from myself than I should. But I just feel like I don't have a choice, or maybe I am just continuing a mistake.

I am tired. I am basing my identity on my achievements. I have seen this before on a lot of media that I consume. I am becoming an arrogant asshole because I am just not fit for the job.

I live in a developing country. Fuck developing, you could just say poor. I was born a male and in my nation that means it is my responsibility to provide. I don't want to be poor, and I don't want a theoretical family I may have to be poor. The only way I can do that is if I get into a good university and then a good job. So I feel like I have to be one of the best. But I can't handle the work load.

I am also very alone. I have been neglecting my family, my friends, and people that I would have wanted to know more deeply. I feel that it has been getting harder and harder for me to join their conversations, and I feel like an observer rather than a participant in conversations. I am rotting in a prison I built myself, only my echoes to talk with.

My body is also a mess. I can't continue my weight loss for some reason. It's probably because I have been almost completely sedentary lately. Also haven't been getting much sleepor sunlight. It's a wonder that I am still alive despite all of that.

I think that this is burnout. I am showing a lot of symptoms of it at least.

I don't know what to do. I have so many things to manage but I'm not strong enough. I feel as if I am failing to keep up with everything in my life.

Fuck is it bad. I built a rube goldberg machine of fuck-ups to ruin my life.

I will try to be better this year. Despite everything my situation could still be fixable.

Sadly my first priority for the next 5 months will still be my studies. I have dug that hole too deep to climb out of it.

I may try to be a little more active. Some bodyweight exercises should be a little helpful. I have also been taking the stairs instead of escalators lately so that could help.

Friends are a bit tricky. I haven't had a serious hobby since last year and that limits my conversations. I'm also a little distant to them which makes conversations challenging. I also learnt that some people find me intimidating which could be pushing them away. Fuck do I have a lot to do on this front.

I also decided to try being a little more romantic this year. I'm 18 and I haven't even had a date before, maybe having a partner will help with loneliness. So I will be a little more daring this year on this front.

An incredibly depressing list of goals for 2024. It's pretty much the same as last year's list, except I am starting from a worse point. I still hope that I can use these goals as ideals for who I want to be.

If you've read this, thank you. I wouldn't want to spread my pain to others but my brain still wants to be heard. If you skipped to the end, well all that you'd miss is yet another person whining about life. Nothing exceptional.

Good night everyone and good luck with whatever troubles you might be having!

[hiratelier]

I can finally see myself falling out of using vocalsynths constantly in the next year, because at this point I've gotten myself into new hobbies and interests that I'm far more invested in ^^

It'll be that one hobby I'll get into for like once a month (and maybe post something about it if I even feel like doing it), but other than that, I'm not as interested in vocalsynths as I once was since 2012. I'll look fondly upon the stuff and memories I've made, even if I'm not that active in the respective community anymore (and for good reason because ever since that my wellbeing has improved drastically). I still treasure my own singing robots, and the tradition of making anniversary covers for them will still continue even on their 9th anniversary (I might end up treating them as OCs on a regular basis LOL)

But man 2023 has been the year of slowly falling out of interests you've been into for nearly a decade and falling in into media you never thought you would enjoy and hyperfixate on until at some point in your life...This happened with F/GO (as I've stopped playing the game and lost interest in what's going on in the story; but I like to see whatever TYPE-MOON work they got cooking), and I can see it happening with v*calsynths, though my loss of interest is centered around the releases of new libraries. I'm far more interested in the songs my favourite producers are releasing and if there's one song I'd like to cover, I might chuck it into my cover inspo playlist. Maybe that's the one thing that drew me into this hobby anyway LOL. I guess F/GO and vocalsynths are being scaled down to minor interests of mine that I do indulge in once in a while.

I don't want to be stuck with uploading covers to my YouTube and BiliBili constantly, and I've been planning to upload more animatics, speedpaints (maybe), and other OC shenanigans. And since I got my Community tab back I can start uploading art there again (though I have already uploaded some art there). I also have some major projects that are currently being worked on (one of them is being finalized), and I am so excited working on them :D

I guess I just wanted to say that I'm falling out of using vocalsynths (as I've done with F/GO) and I'm treating it as a small hobby of mine except for bigger occasions (such as anniversary uploads) or when I'm feeling very inspired, and with the new hobbies and interests that I've picked up, I feel more free in what I want to do now haha;; you'll see me upload more comics/art, animatics, speedpaints, and other media and there'll be a decrease in cover uploads over time! I have two cover uploads left, but they'll be posted in December

[callofdudes]

This is gonna be another rant post. You don't have to read it. I just have nowhere else to put this.

You guys can tell me if this is bad to put this out here, but I honestly have no one else that I feel I can turn to with this, so I'll put it here. This post by @//wispscribbles has been on my mind lately. It perfectly sums up how I've been feeling lately.

It's been something I've been feeling since I knew the game would come out, and since I've taken other hits to my personal life. Major blows.

Why I don't feel I can go to anyone else is because to other people the idea of having such a strong, deep, emotional connection to a fictional character is stupid. and going to them with these things really hurts me when I hear that.

I grew up pretty much forced to be silent, a pretty abusive family never gave me opportunity to be my own person and tried to snatch that away from me. So I've always clung to fictional characters.

These made up characters were the only friends I had. And only just two years ago did I actually, really start growing a little circle of a couple friends for myself. I was always really isolated from all those things. So fictional characters was where I turned when I couldn't get love from my own family or bare minimum friendship.

And that really hurts me when stuff like this happens in the game...

I know it may be "stupid" because they did what they had to. But just the whole game in general and how it felt seeing clips felt dry to me. And I don't know why if affected me so much. Other than I'm already not doing well at all.

I've been trying to push away and sort of avoid what's been happening lately. I was starting to feel better, to battle my depression, and now it's come back twice as bad. I've always been scared of who I might be if I was truly happy. I've been staying in bed much, much longer. I stay up past 1 just so I can have the interaction with people I feel I want but have always been scared to reach out for.

I've fallen back into the eating disorder that I've been stuck with since I was ten. I was just starting to get over all these things and work through them. I was getting good and healthy and I felt good!

And that's where I hate it the most. I was doing so good... And not good enough.

And unfortunately, I don't know what to do. I feel... Numb. I've slowly been losing my passions, stuck in a house with the same videogames, a job, a dying console, no friends, one family member I can trust and... That's it.

Even when I have tried to make friends, I'm so socially anxious and terrified I can barely go anywhere by myself. I can't adult because I never had a childhood. It's always been adulting. I can't make friends because I struggle to hold basic conversations with people. I've never had just a casual conversation with someone my age.

And that's one of the reasons I can't make friends. Is because I never had any to begin with.

These fictional characters have been what I've clung to since I was eight.

They're who I turn to when the world goes to shit and a bunch of stupid stuff happens. I honestly don't mean to ramble and spill all my business like this, but I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.

I've been lucky enough that through my loss of enjoyment in some of my videogames, technology, hiking, art, music... That I haven't lost writing. Not yet.

My writing is where I can keep my characters alive and that's why I think, and I hope I don't lose this too.

So honestly, I thank you all a million times for each like and comment and reblog. Even if it makes me happy for a few minutes, it helps sometimes. Because these characters are pretty much all I have, and I want to do them justice.

Yeah... Sorry about this, too much stuff happening and I don't want to dump it on you guys. Stay frosty ok? 👍🏻

I really hesitated to post this and I don't have my ducks in a row. All the mental health posts about how I want to take a break but I genuinely can't. A couple days is all I can do and I hate it sometimes.

This will probably get taken down once it fully sinks in that I probably shouldn't post this. I'm here to give you fics and cod, and this isn't it. Sorry.

[3416]

Maple Leafs player survey, Part 1: Desert island movies, future coaches and more

By Joshua Kloke | Feb 3, 2023 | The Athletic

Maple Leafs fans, it’s the All-Star break and there’s a lull in the schedule for a while here, so let’s take a step back and reflect: Even after Wednesday’s loss to the Bruins, the Leafs still have a .673 win percentage after 52 games, good for fifth-best in the NHL and are once again in contention for home-ice advantage in the first round of the playoffs.

In short, for now, life is good, right?

With that sense of big-picture positivity in mind and no games to wring your hands over until late next week, The Athletic wanted to keep things light. We posed six fun questions to the Leafs over the last few months in the hopes of providing fans with a look inside the characters and relationships that make up this team.

Part one looks at the Maple Leafs’ desert island movies, the cleanest, and messiest players and which Leaf is likeliest to become a head coach.

Part two, soon to come, will tackle an entirely different set of questions.

–––

What is your desert island movie?

If the Maple Leafs were ever forced to ride a bus between games like a minor hockey team and then had the option of watching just one single movie for the whole team, I feel confident in stating “The Dark Knight” would be the movie of choice: When asked if they had to watch just one movie for the rest of their lives, the majority of Leafs chose the 2008 classic.

“Probably my favourite,” said Michael Bunting.

“It’s an unreal movie,” said William Nylander confidently.

“Heath Ledger,” he added, which sort of says a lot.

In fact, Ledger’s performance won over another Swede.

“For the Joker performance alone,” said Pierre Engvall.

Some of the Leafs actually had more detailed reasoning for picking “The Dark Knight”.

“You’d probably want to pick a really long movie, right?” said Matt Murray, before noting that the two-and-a-half-hour banger is “one of the best movies of all time.”

Rest assured, there would be some pushback from other Leafs.

“I’d go with ‘Goodfellas,’” said Mark Giordano, because Mark Giordano is a person who knows what’s what. “I love everything about that movie. I’m a big mob movie guy.”

Justin Holl went a little off the board with his vote for “Billy Madison.”

“I just think it’s a great flick. I read something about music in your formative years sticking with you, and maybe it’s the same for movies,” he said.

Minutes later, Holl came back, unhappy with his choice.

“I’ve gotta revise my movie. ‘The Grinch.’ Christmas every day,” he said, before walking away confidently.

Speaking of uplifting choices, Conor Timmins voted for “Peanut Butter Falcon.”

“I highly suggest it,” Timmins said. “I like a wholesome, feel-good movie.”

Perhaps to be expected from someone educated at Harvard University, Alex Kerfoot furrowed his brow and had some questions of his own when the question was posed to him.

“What’s the difference between your favourite movie and a desert island movie?” he asked.

“You’d have to watch it again and again,” I explained. “So one of my favourite movies is ‘Seven,’ but it’s dark, I don’t know if I could go back to that place again and again.”

“I think I’d want some comedy,” Kerfoot said. “Keep things light, keep myself happy out there… I think I’d go with ‘The Internship.’

“I think because they (Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn) hadn’t come out with one for a while and when it came out and there was a lot of built-up anticipation,” he said. “I just think they’re so funny together. Movies are a little bit like music. When I hear a song, I think back to when I first heard that song. And with ‘The Internship,’ I was at a happy point in my life. I like to reminisce.”

Others said they wouldn’t have a vote, like David Kampf, whose only request would be for a “sports movie,” or Calle Jarnkrok.

“I’m not a big movie guy,” Jarnkrok saod. “I watch more TV shows. I’m watching ‘Yellowstone’ right now. I watch every show there is. When you’re on the road, there’s nothing else to do, so I just watch a lot of TV.”

Interestingly enough, Ilya Samsonov also didn’t vote for a movie.

“’Game of Thrones.’ I started watching it during COVID. My wife said to me, ‘Watch this, please. Your life will be changed after this.’ I said, ‘No way, I won’t like it.’ But I had a lot of time, and I started watching it, and it was unbelievable,” he said.

Finally, John Tavares and T.J. Brodie reassured my confidence in them as smart dudes when they voted for ‘The Shawshank Redemption.’ I told Brodie that would also be my vote, with an asterisk.

“It might give you that sense of hope that you’re going to get off the island, but ultimately, you’re not,” I explained to Brodie.

Brodie just gave me a blank stare.

“I was just thinking that I’d be there for so long, and it’s a long movie,” Brodie said. “It’s a time killer.”

Can’t argue with the logic of one of the team’s most responsible players.

–––

Who is the cleanest and messiest teammate?

It’s worth remembering here how much time an NHL team spends together.

For that reason, these players probably pick up on personal habits in a very real way. And that’s why when I asked players who the cleanest and messiest teammate was, none of them looked at me with scrunched faces. If someone is keeping things tight, or if someone is verging on becoming a slob, they’re going to know about it.

Let’s start with the messiest Leaf. The salaciousness here is undoubtedly what fans are going to be interested in.

“I know who is the messiest,” Kampf said without hesitating. “Bunts. He always has clothes around his stall. Trainers have to clean up after him all the time.”

“Bunting,” Giordano agreed. “I haven’t been to his place, but at his stall, he’s got his slippers and stuff all over the place.”

It’s not just how he conducts himself in the dressing room, apparently.

“The messiest is Bunting,” Brodie saod. “He spills on his shoes every meal.”

It’s worth noting here that Bunting himself laughed off the notion that he was the messiest, and instead voted the way a few other Leafs did: for Nylander.

“The messiest has to be Willy,” agreed Timothy Liljegren. “I haven’t been to his apartment this year, so I don’t know though.”

Nylander also earned a vote from Wayne Simmonds, who sits near Nylander in the dressing room.

“His trainer has already tidied up his stall,” said Simmonds, shaking his head. “You can’t judge it now.”

I asked Nylander himself for confirmation.

“Could be,” said Nylander with the kind of grin that straddled the line between guilty and ambivalent.

As for the cleanest, the votes were split between three players: Auston Matthews, Tavares and Kampf.

“His whole lifestyle is clean,” said Bunting of Kampf.

“I like it if I have everything, just…” said Kampf, motioning his arms around in a precise manner. “I like it in my life, to have everything clean.”

–––

Which Leaf will eventually be a head coach?

This was a simple question that, admittedly, I thought would draw some routine answers: Pick the veteran who knows the game, right?

“Jake Muzzin,” Kampf said, confirming my suspicions. “He’s a smart guy and he could be a great coach.”

Well, I was wrong. More on that in a bit.

Because there were votes for Muzzin, sure, including from Matt Murray.

“You can tell the way he thinks the game, he sees things big picture and he’s always thinking about the little things within the game,” Murray said.

“He’s got that personality,” Brodie said.

There were also votes for two other vets including Tavares and Giordano.

“Last year, I would have said Jason Spezza,” Engvall said. “I could see Giordano being a good coach. And not just because of his age. He’s played for a long time, he knows a lot about hockey. He’s a confident guy.”

“Maybe (Giordano) could be an assistant coach,” Liljegren said. “Johnny has this serious demeanour and Gio is a little bit more talkative.”

“Like good cop, bad cop?” I asked.

“…maybe not bad cop,” Liljegren deadpanned in a way only Liljegren can.

“That’s a compliment,” Giordano said when told he earned plenty of votes. “I could see myself coaching one day, for sure.”

But there were still some curveballs.

“We have a couple guys who know the game well,” said Simmonds, noting Tavares and Mitch Marner. “Those guys think the game extremely well.”

I was surprised by that answer, but not as surprised as the answer I got from Calle Jarnkrok.

“Ras, for sure,” Jarnkrok said of defenceman Rasmus Sandin.

No offence to the youngish defenceman, but his relaxed, take-life-as-it-comes demeanour doesn’t scream NHL head coach.

Jarnkrok disagreed.

“He looks like he takes notes when he’s listening to Keefer,” Jarnkrok said of Sandin’s studious approach with Sheldon Keefe. “He could be a head coach.”

Ask enough silly questions and you might learn something, I guess.

[troutfur]

is this still going? hmm. ocotillokit, a grey tabby with dark stripes and a long tail

You were a lil' past the deadline but since you're cool and we're mutuals I'll allow it. <3 Sorry it took like. 4 days.

The chart I got looks like this:

[Image ID: Under the header “What will Ocotillokit’s life be like? (02/17/2023)” 16 rows of tally marks crossed out two by two until there is only 1 or 2 left uncrossed. To the left, a shield chart at the top with the following geomantic figures: Populus as the first mother, Cauda Draconis as the second mother, Amissio as the third mother, Carcer as the fourth mother, Amissio as the first daughter, Coniunctio as the second daughter, Rubeus as the third daughter, Fortuna Maior as the fourth daughter, Cauda Draconis as the first niece, Fortuna Minor as the second niece, Fortuna Maior as the third niece, Caput Draconis as the fourth niece, Albus as the right witness, Rubeus as the left witness, Coniunctio as the judge, and Coniunctio as the sentence. Below the shield chart, an astrological house chart with the first twelve geomantic figures above mentioned assigned to houses 1 to 12 in the order mentioned above. /end ID]

Interpretation under the cut:

Judge and sentence are both Coniunctio, meaning our character's life story centers around a rather uncomplicated idea of making connections. These connections stem from facing anger and aggression (Rubeus as the left witness) with wisdom and tranquility (Albus as the right witness). So we have on our hands SandClans' resident rational cool head and rational thinker. I'm thinking they'd be a good addition into the Clan as one of our elders or at the very least a senior warrior whose ideas hold weight. Let's find out more of their life story to see what it reveals about the path getting there.

In the first house we have Populus, stillness and passivity. So, not a character who is out doing stuff. Someone more lowkey, living in the background, not very notable nor facing major growth as a person.

In the second house we have Cauda Draconis, foregone conclusions and endings. The second house, as many know is the weak link of this whole system. I really don't see an angle to interpret this in light of the traditional meaning of the house as referring to material posessions so I'll just put it in my back pocket to use it as a reinforcement of the next Cauda Draconis of the chart.

In the third house Amissio! In the house representing close platonic relationships this could be about feeling like they lose their social circle as they grow up. Perhaps being so plain and boring their apprenticeship denmates just move on from them once they are warriors. Perhaps they have a tragedy of dead littermates (though I would for no particular reason lean towards the idea of stillborn littermates here). Perhaps they just can't keep friends.

In the fourth house Carcer! We've seen this one before folks, strict parents and/or mentors. Not much too interesting to say here but perhaps if we're going with the dead littermates thing, overbearing and overprotective parents who just want to shelter their surviving kit? I think that is an interesting angle as to how their passivity developed.

Amissio in the fifth house and I'm thinking this should represent a lack of children rather than a tragedy related to them. A loss of the opportunity to leave a legacy, if you will. In relation to house seven I'm seeing a potential angle already but let me not get too ahead of myself.

Coniunctio in the sixth house, connection through health. I'm thinking! How's everyone feeling about a congenital cataract in one eye? And it is a bonding experience with another elder who developed cataracts from age? No particular reason why I leaned towards that but I like the idea of a cat developing a disability associated with age young coming to bond with an elder over the experience.

Rubeus in the seventh house could tell us that a reaction to singleness is anger. I'm not really feeling it though. I don't want that type of character in the dynamic of SandClan and that doesn't seem like boring background dude material. Perhaps, this is about dating preferences? Wanting to spice up his life with romance but ultimately ending up with people too chaotic for him who end up not meshing?

Fortuna Maior in the eighth house! Now that's interesting, independent success in the face of death. Or in death. Very open interpretation. I'm not feeling this is quite the right time to use this as a "succesfully kills someone" figure. But I also don't feel like the other obvious interpretation of "thrives upon the death of the strict parental figure" is applicable. And honestly since this is a character that is supposed to be mostly static I don't see how it fits. What I could most see is perhaps independent success in moving on? Perhaps when his elder buddy finally kicks it he is able to go on on his own without too much hiccups.

Cauda Draconis in the ninth house. Once again, I don't have much of a "journey" specially given Populus on the first house implies a mostly static character. Perhaps this is telling us that it's a foregone conclusion any attempt at a personal journey, to change their essential plainness, is doomed to fail.

Fortuna Minor in the tenth house. Dependent or short-lived success in the house of authority figures and figures that command respect. I see this boding well for my elder idea, just a dude that became respected just by living enough. Not a particularly hard to achieve form of respect, save for the difficulties of saying alive out in the desert.

Fortuna Maior in the eleventh house tells me this character will have success independent of benefactors. But again, as a lowkey dude relegated to background character, I don't see their success amounting to much of note beyond "staying alive long enough to get the perks of elderhood". So, ya know.

Finally Caput Draconis in the twelfth house, endless potential in the house of adversaries. Tends to bode badly, but I'm not sure what kind of adversary or antagonistic force a dude like this would collect. Cranky apprentices who don't want to be tending to his needs? That's kind of a cute interpretation of it. At odds with the younglings who are full of potential.

Putting it all together:

Ocotillokit's life is one spent largely drifting along. Raised in as much a sheltered environment as a Clan can be, they developed a personality that's rather withdrawn and passive. This led to all sorts of things drifting away from them, friendships, opportunities to start a family, etc. Though they found some connection with elders in the experience of losing sight, to a congenital cataract, they still weren't able by and large to stop being dragged along the current. Romance was one avenue this was attempted to be plugged, not to very great results, as their choice of "interesting" partners more often than not ended with someone too chaotic for them. Once their elder friend passed on, they had success in moving on, and managed to live a good life into old age when they became an elder. Although often at odds with the apprentices, he is genuinely able to temper their hot heads with their wisdom and connect at least on some level. And that is ultimately a comfortable position they, the plain and boring background cat, found themselves in.

As a name, I suggest Ocotillostripe maybe?