#i made this at like 3am last night so forgive me if this is messy

[wholesome-cryptid]

Legend of Thunder Eusine (or well Eugene i guess) being one of the characters of all time

[masterwords]

Ok, so I’m so hyped for May and all the domestic Hotchgan! And you said blow up your ask box, so….

I would love a fic about Derek and Aaron taking a cooking (or baking) class together! I just think it could be so funny and sweet. (And probably more messy than they think it is. Maybe a little competitive 😅)

Turns out...I am not good at writing cooking classes. LOL This idea was one of my absolute favorites and I found it to be incredibly challenging. I had three different drafts, none of which were good, so I set myself a 30 minute timer this morning and just went to town...landed here. It's better than the others, but not great. At least it's coherent! I didn't edit it, just skimmed...so if there are horrific embarrassing errors. I'm sorry please forgive me. We're in the thick of baseball and getting ready for tournament season and end of the school year stuff so my time isn't as plentiful as I'd like but we're getting there! Doing the thing! (Not on AO3 yet...I'm being lazy.)

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: food, it's all food based.

** hey shorty **

“You should take Penelope,” Derek muttered, one last attempt at salvaging his Saturday afternoon. “She would love this.”

“She bought the gift for us, Derek. To do together.”

He’d forgotten that part. Maybe not entirely, but he was clinging to some thread of hope that maybe she had wanted to go to the classes too. And if she did, he wouldn’t have to.

“It’s just gonna be a bunch of nerds…” Now he was whining. He wasn’t proud of it.

“It’s an hour, Derek.”

“An hour I’ll never get back.”

In the end, it turned out to be two hours...but two hours Derek was glad to have been present for. The instructor, an old woman with a thick Scottish accent and a frown that could rival Hotch’s any day of the week got right to business. No jokes, no wasted time.

She started by explaining the history of shortbread, and Derek breathed an audible sigh of relief. His ultimate fear was that they were going to be making something awful...it was described by Penelope as a “historical cooking class” and she gave him no more information. Hotch knew but refused to divulge – so he’d looked it up, and it turned out there were three possible classes it could have been given the time and day. One of them was making something called a medieval beef pie and something about the thought of that made him feel ill. Shortbread he could do.

Or so he thought.

“Pilcaithly Bannock,” she said and Derek couldn’t help glancing around the room to see if anyone else was as lost as he was. Turned out, he was not alone. “It’s a traditional shortbread made with the addition of almonds and a few flavors you may find intriguing. The recipe we’ll be using comes from a cookbook written in 1861.”

At her direction, everyone filed up toward the front of the classroom where she handed them a bin full of ingredients and cooking utensils with a photocopy of a recipe taped to the top. Hotch and Derek glanced at one another thoughtfully, both impressed by the instructor’s organization. Suddenly Derek, who had never considered himself much in the kitchen, felt like he might actually be able to do this.

Hotch baked. He loved to do it. His insomnia sometimes led to incredible pastries, flaky dough and sweet treats that helped him ease his troubled mind in the wee hours of the night. He would come back to bed around 3am with the house smelling like a bakery and a little flour in his hair and Derek would wake up starving and salivating. But him? No. He could grill, and he could do that with the best of them...and he could eat, boy could he eat...but baking required so much precision, measurement, time and patience. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it, it was that he didn’t want to. Nothing about it was appealing except eating the end result.

They were not supposed to talk while they worked, but everyone seemed to want to chatter a little. The instructor poured herself a mug of coffee and stood in a corner observing for a long while. Surrounding them was the chaos and clatter of a kitchen, mixing bowls and whisks and spoons and running water.

“What does it mean when it says to beat the butter to a cream?” Derek whispered, leaning over close to Hotch. “Isn’t that already what it is?”

Hotch tipped his bowl in Derek’s direction and showed him the thick peaks of creamed butter with a smirk. “Just use your whisk and whip it.”

“Too bad we don’t have stand mixers in here.”

“Seems like a good time to put those muscles you work so hard on to good use…” Hotch muttered and Derek, under his breath, called him a shithead.

“Mine’s gonna be so much better than yours.”

“Keep dreaming,” Hotch replied so quietly, so sure of himself that it became Derek’s entire mission in life to do this one thing as perfectly as he could. So, stepping back, he read the entire recipe top to bottom and then again, closer, before he set to whipping the butter. He was a little behind the rest of the class, they all looked like they were adding in the flour and sugar and almonds, but he wasn’t concerned. He could take his damn time.

And he did. He chopped his almonds into fine little bits, he made sure there were no clumps in his dough that he would definitely classify as a “paste” in accordance with the recipe, and when he scored his final product before taking it up to the oven he was...well, he was proud.

Until he saw Hotch’s, which looked borderline professional. His heart sank. The students all piled their trays into the waiting preheated ovens and set to their next task...cleaning up while the shortbread did its thing.

“If mine is better,” Hotch said while he scrubbed his countertop, “you take me out to lunch at Shake Shack.”

Derek scowled. It wasnt’t that he didn’t like Shake Shack, but he wasn’t in the mood for greasy burgers and milkshakes. “And if I win, you take me down to Così.”

When the timers began going off, the instructor pulled them out of the oven one by one. She inspected each tray before handing them off to their owners to begin cooling. The look she gave Derek was impossible for him to read, but he could see the admiration on her face when she looked at Hotch’s perfect little slab of shortbread. He began mentally preparing himself to eat at Shake Shack, to watch Hotch with his mushroom burger and frozen custard quietly gloating over his perfect performance. He realized in that moment that while he loved Hotch, he probably would have hated him had they met in high school. That smug look on his face was getting Derek all sorts of riled up and he couldn’t decide if he wanted to kiss him or smack him. Maybe both.

“How are they?” he asked when Hotch broke off a corner to try. He just shrugged and looked...disappointed.

“I could have done better. They’re a little tough.”

Derek stared at him agape. “They look professional, man.”

“I over-mixed the flour. They’re not bad but they don’t crumble the way they’re supposed to.”

Derek, horrified by what his own creation must be like in order for Hotch to be disappointed in his own turnout, stared down at his slab. They were darker than Hotch’s by at least one full shade, and a little extra even on the edges. Slowly, he reached out and broke off a corner of his to try and it crumbled in his fingers.

Hotch was watching him closely with a sweet smile on his face. “That’s perfect, Derek.”

“What are you talking about? It fell apart.”

The instructor made her way to their counter and peered at both of their creations. First she looked at Hotch’s, broke off a corner, and Derek saw the same look of disappointment on her face that Hotch had.

“They taste incredible,” she started with a smile. “But you’ve overmixed a bit, haven’t ye?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Give it another try at home.” Hotch smiled and nodded at her encouragement, proceeding to clean up the rest of his station and package up his failed attempt at shortbread. He could turn it into ice cream topping or something else at home at least. It was salvageable. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the instructor inspecting Derek’s.

“Nice color,” she began before grabbing a bit and watching it crumble in her hands. Her smile, once somewhat timid, widened. “Ahhh. That’s perfect.” She snapped off one whole cookie and held it in her hands reverently before snatching a chair, dragging it over to where Derek stood and stepped up on top of the seat. She stood now beside a very confused Derek, her hands still cradling the cookie.

“An old Scottish tradition is to break a slab of shortbread over a bride’s head. If it crumbles, the marriage will be good and fruitful. Shall we give this young man’s shortbread a try?”

The class erupted in laughter and applause, so she held her hands now over Derek’s head and snapped the cookie. It barely took a second before it crumbled to bits and fell over Derek’s head and shoulders in cookie dust. He shut his eyes and laughed along with everyone.

“Ahhh. Well, if that’s any indicator of the strength of your marriage…” she said, doing her best to get safely down off of the chair with Derek’s help. “Job well done.” Derek glanced at Hotch and shrugged, thinking he would find the man looking jealous or disappointed in himself...but all he found was Hotch with tears in his damn eyes and a smile on his face. The big softy.

In the car afterward, Hotch sitting in the passenger seat with two takeaway containers of shortbread on his lap, Derek poked the bear. “Did you hear her say mine was perfect?”

“I did.”

“She used the word perfect. Not good or great...perfect.”

“I heard.”

“Just makin’ sure. I know your ears don’t work so good, shorty.”

"Derek..." Hotch mumbled, giving him the side-eye. Derek just smiled broad and pulled out of the parking lot.

"Whassup shorty?"

Hotch had no response, but he couldn't help the ghost of a smile that ticked up at the corner of his mouth. Being called shorty was probably the least of his concerns. Derek was about to be insufferable over this shortbread ordeal for the remainder of the weekend and he would just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Derek, with a wicked little grin on his face, drove them straight to Shake Shack, bypassing Così on the way. He won the competition in class fair and square, but the instructor was right. He did have a pretty damn good marriage, and part of what made it so good was knowing when his partner might need a little pick-me-up...even if he did make the superior treat. He won cooking class.

But Hotch needed that frozen vanilla custard for his wounded pride and Derek was going to make sure he got it. (But if he crumbled a little of his perfect shortbread on top...well, could he really be blamed? It was perfect.)

[goldenbuckyyy]

At least I'll have me

Summary: Someone from your past shows up at your doorstep at 3AM.

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader (past)

Word Count: 2,197

Warnings: Swearing, crying, angst, ambiguous ending (maybeeee part 2?), hitting, shoving, anything else? let me know if I missed something!!

A/N: I had been wanting to write something like this for a while now and I got this idea randomly last night at 2 AM and thus this was written last night! I like finding songs that fit my fics and it was pretty hard to find one for this one. But I found “I’ll Still Have Me” by CYN. Give it a listen and get in your feels.

All mistakes are my own. Please do not repost or translate my fics on any other site nor this one.

I appreciate any likes, reblogs, messages, and interactions!

“No,” you muttered. Your voice sounded so broken and hurt. You couldn’t believe this. You shake your head as you sniff and feel your lips start to tremble.

“Please stop. Don’t do this to me,” you begged.

You didn’t want to be able to still read him like this, but you can. You can see the deep emotions swirling behind his eyes and it kills you that he is feeling this way.

You didn’t want to be able to still read him like this, but you can. You can see the deep emotions swirling behind his eyes and it kills you that he is feeling this way.

You didn’t want to be able to still read him like this, but you can. You can see the deep emotions swirling behind his eyes and it kills you that he is feeling this way.

But he deserves this and you know it.

But you?

You don’t deserve this.

You don’t deserve to feel this way because of him.

You’ve shoved down every single feeling Bucky Barnes made you feel and now it’s breaking to the surface.

You shouldn’t be feeling guilty, but your heart feels so heavy that all you want to do is run into Bucky’s arms and sob into them while he holds you. You feel so torn at this moment because you want to let your walls down, but these are the walls you spend years building up because of him.

You placed yourself so high on these walls to avoid the pain that he had left you with all those years ago.

You didn’t deserve this.

Bucky tries to reach out to you to pull you towards him. One warm flesh hand and one cold metal hand. You shove him away as soon as you feel his touch by pushing at his chest. He stumbles towards the wall.

The loud sound of his back hitting the wall makes you curse underneath you breathe as you look over your shoulder slightly to see the dark hallway. You sigh in relief and look back at Bucky as you run a hand through your messy bed hair.

You didn’t expect your morning to go like this.

It was three am when you woke up to the rapid knocks on your front door and you rushed down the hall, rubbing your tired sleep-deprived eyes, and tugged your rube closed as you opened the door hastily.

You had frozen in your spot when you had seen the ghost of your past.

The man who had broken your heart in more ways than one. He hurt you in ways that you had never dreamed you could have been hurt.

But he did it. He absolutely ruined you and you had to build yourself up all over again.

That’s why when he rushed in, mouth running rapidly with apologies and almost getting on his knees to beg for your forgiveness. You were already rushing him to get out of here.

You didn’t want to hear his pleas for forgiveness and you didn’t want to hear about how badly he felt for what he had done to you. He knew what he was doing when he did it.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was small and broken. Oh so broken and pathetic.

“Fuck you,” you spat out. Your own voice filled with venom and hatred. Everything you felt at this moment was rage and you hated the man in front of you.

“You don’t get to come here and apologize to me after being gone for so long!”

You start pacing around in front of him as you look at him as if he is crazy.

“You left!”

“You walked out that door and never looked back! It was easy for you!”

You want to claw your heart out of your chest from how heavy it feels at this moment. Your eyes are watering with unshed tears as you feel yourself getting heated after finally letting out all the resentment and hate you had for him. Bucky was leaning against the wall with his head in his hands as you noticed he was crying.

Bucky Barnes was crying in your living room.

You never thought you’d see the day.

You almost wanted to laugh when you heard his sniffling, and you did.

You let out a giggle as you felt your emotions going crazy, his eyes snapped to you as if he couldn’t believe you were laughing at him, and you felt your heartbeat racing as your breathing started to become quicker.

Your unshed tears started falling fast as your giggles turned into quiet sobs as you reached for the countertop next to you to grip it. You gripped it to ground yourself to the situation.

You bit the skin on your knuckles to choke back the sobs in your throat.

You shut your eyes as you try to stop the tears from falling. Your lips are still quivering as you take in a shaky inhale as you try to calm yourself.

You can’t let them see you like this.

You wipe away the tears on your cheeks, your hands moving furiously, as you open your eyes to see Bucky doing the same and inching his way towards you.

“Don’t come any closer,” you whisper. You look down at your hands and notice the tiny specks on your fingertips.

You grip your hands into fists and look up to keep breathing calmly.

“Y/N,” he says as his voice breaks, and you turn away from him as you wrap your arms around yourself.

Your final shot at keeping yourself together.

“I miss you,” he says and something in your snaps.

In an instant, you are twirling around, palm up, and you meet his cheek with a loud smack.

He tumbles from the impact, his face twisted, cheek red, and he manages to catch himself with his metal hand on the kitchen chair.

The loud scrapping the legs make on the wooden floors when he stumbles to his feet, eyes meeting yours, his lip is bleeding, and you don’t allow yourself to feel guilty for making him bleed.

You hold your ground as you swallow hard to push down the incoming sobs. You set your hand down as you shuffle on your feet. You keep eye contact with him as he wipes away the blood with the sleeve of his navy-colored shirt.

You raise a shaky hand and point a finger at him. You let out a shaky breath, “Don’t do that to me!”

“You left me,” you hiss out.

You grip the roots of your hair and let out an exasperated scoff as Bucky fish mouths for words at you.

You hear the flick of a switch from behind you as you turn around to look at the hallway.

This is exactly what you didn’t want to happen.

You didn’t need them to see a strange man crying in their home with their mother crying as well.

But there they were.

Your twins stood in the hallway, rubbing their tired eyes, and they look around the room until both of their eyes landed on you.

“Mommy?” The softness of your little girl's voice makes your heart stop as she grips her big brother's hand into hers when she notices Bucky.

Her big curious blue eyes are staring at him in wonder as she looks at her brother in confusion. He only looks at her back with the same look as his eyes wander to bucky as well, but his eyes are yours.

Bucky lets out a choked sob as he sees the kids staring at him. He realizes that they’re looking at him like a complete stranger.

And that’s because he is. They don’t know him. He’s never met them before.

And they’re his kids, for god’s sake!

“You left us!” You finally let it out.

Bucky’s crying gets harder as he covers his mouth with his hands to keep his sobbing at bay as the twins start slowly moving closer to you.

You look at them and shake your head.

“Mommy is okay, babies. Go back to bed, go to mommy’s room, and lay there with the dogs, okay? Mommy will be right here,” you tell them as you try to keep your voice calm and soft.

They watch you carefully, their curious eyes still on you as they both watch the tears slowly fall down your cheeks.

You can tell they both want to run into your arms and ask you what’s wrong. They were both fiercely protective over you as much as two little five-year old’s could be.

You watch them as they both slowly turn around and walk down the hallway into your bedroom, but not before they both turn in sync to have one last look at the man crying.

They enter the room and shut the door gently behind them.

You turn back to Bucky as you sniffle some more and cross your arms.

“You don’t get to miss us when you left us! You’ve made your bed!” You cry out in a low voice as you grab his frame and start shoving him out of your house.

He is trying to stop you as he cries and tries his best to choke out some words, but he only cries more when you keep shoving him more and more until you reach the door.

You pull the door open and shove him off into your porch.

The soft rays of the sun already filling the morning sky around you.

That’s when you notice someone, no two someone’s, on your lawn.

They immediately stand when they notice you and Bucky.

Steve’s face is filled with worry as Sam only looks hurt. They both look devastated when they hear you and Bucky both crying.

“You have to audacity to be out here waiting for him?!” You exclaim as you shove Bucky one last time off your porch and he tumbles down the steps with no chance at catching himself on anything.

You know he could have outpowered you with his strength, but he didn’t even try to stop you. He let you shove him and push him all the way until he landed on his ass on your lawn.

Steve and Sam fumbled to his side as they helped him up. You scoffed as you rolled your eyes at the scene in front of you.

When you had lost Bucky, you had never thought you’d lose Sam. Especially Steve.

But here you were.

With nobody, but yourself and your twins.

“Get the fuck off my property before I make you,” you snarl at them as your eyes turned red with your powers wanting to come out and play. You clenched your hands to keep them at bay.

You stand on the porch as you watch them basically drag Bucky to his motorcycle, but of course... He stops and pulls his arms away from them as he turns to see you again.

“Please,” he pleads as he falls onto his knees as your breathing hitches.

“They’re my kids,” his voice is filled with begging. His face is red, his lips are shaking, and tears still running down his face.

“They’re not yours! They don’t even know you!” You don’t know how, but his face breaks even more.

“They’re mine and they’re only mine because you did this to us,” you cry out as your heart feels as if it’s breaking all over again like it did six years ago when you found out you were pregnant, and Bucky didn’t choose you.

He chose them.

You clamped your eyes shut as you tried to swallow the lump in your throat as you felt your hands start flowing with your powers.

“Leave.”

It’s the last thing you say as you turn on your heels and stomp back into your home.

You quickly shut the door and lock it. You lean against the wood as you let yourself calm down as you don’t want your kids seeing you like this. They’re already going to be so confused and asking a million questions about the man crying.

You let out a couple of deep shaky breathes as you hear the rumble of the motorcycles drive away.

“Thank god,” you mutter as you slowly look out the window to make sure they’re gone.

You sigh in relief once you don’t see them anymore. You slowly turn off the lights that were on and make your way down the hallway, your hand flicking the light off there too.

You find your bedroom door and open it slowly. Your broken heart feels full again when you see your babies in your bed, laying down facing each other, holding hands as your two fur babies lay down by their feet. They both lazily look up at you as they feel your presence. Little guard dogs.

They both relax when they notice it’s just you.

You shove off your robe and climb into the middle of the bed. You slowly maneuver yourself in the middle of your kids as you place one arm underneath their small frames. They both only melt into your embrace as they both reach over you to wrap their arms around you.

You let yourself cry silently as you let yourself think about what just happened the past couple of hours.

What the fuck just happened?

[salmonmakiii]

hii! i'd like to request a timestamp if it's okay with you? Could you people write about 3am boyfriend tsukishima, angst to fluff? thank you so much and have an amazing day!! 💕🤗

Heya! Sorry this took long, writer’s block sucks :( I hope this came out nice!

[03:00]

About : Tsukishima x reader Note : Angst, Fluff. Forgive me if I have mistakes!

It was an accident. You and Tsukishima knew that.

But all the pent up stress and those lack of sleep he’s had, being rational was the last thing on his mind right now.

You met Tsukishima 2 years ago when you had just moved to your apartment. He was the next-door neighbor and you would greet him every morning. A few weeks passed and you guys suddenly became friends because you share the same interest; stargazing. The apartment rooftop was perfect for that. You accidentally met up at around 3 am, awkwardly talk with each other, and would go back about an hour later.

You were interested in him and was happy that you finally got the chance to talk. Although you admit, he was a bit cold and snarky with his comments but other than that he was fun to talk to. The next day you met up again, then the next day, then the next, and then the next. This became a regular thing for both of you. Of course, that was before the busy schedule you both had. Now, you’d probably meet up twice or three times a week.

And with that frequent emotional talks, you both grew closer, and eventually, Tsukishima confessed to you one night. So here you were, two years of being together. There were playful insults thrown at each other, but never actual fights. Your favorite was when he would diss you non-stop when you’re not taking care of yourself.

“Can you just eat? I don’t want to drag your ass to the hospital.”

You would often visit him every morning before his class starts and these were one of those mornings. You visit him in his apartment and there you saw his boyfriend, holding his head with his left hand as he held a paper in the other. A thick stack of papers was right in front of him. You’re guessing it was the assignment he’d been working hard on since last week – because he didn’t totally complain to you at all about it for the past week.

“Didn’t you say you have morning classes today?” Tsukishima asked, his eyes not leaving the paper.

“No. The professor called in sick today, so I’m free.” You teased as you sat in front of him. He scoffed and mumbled something about how lucky you are.

“Do you mind if I go get a drink?” You asked, already on your way to the dispenser.

“Sure,”

You gave him a mini thanks and searched for the glass in the cabinets. Once you got it, you filled it with water in the dispenser.

“When is that due?” You asked the glass was now filled. You walked over to him again as he hummed.

“Tomorrow.”

“Ah, okay.”

You sat in front of your boyfriend once again, watching how his eyebrows were furrowed and how he had eye bags under his eyes. You took a sip of your drink and frowned at your dead-looking boyfriend. You wanted to help him, you do, but you don’t know how. You looked at his knitted eyebrows and an idea popped up in your head.

“Kei,” You called. He only answered with a hum. Pouting, you called him once again,

“Kei, Look at me,” Finally lifting his head, you put on a silly face that he always despises, but secretly found funny.

“What are you doing?” he asked, shaking his head as he tried to stifle a laugh. Seeing that it wasn’t good enough, you leaned in closer.

“I don’t know. I just feel like there’s something wrong with my face, is there?” You asked, still making the face. Tsukishima finally laughed and you were happy to see your boyfriend smiling.

You cheered, but while doing so, your hand suddenly knocks the glass of water in front of you, spilling the liquid all over the table. The stacks of paper in the middle soaking up all the water. The room was now dead silent, both of you staring at the stacks of paper and spilled water with wide eyes.

Your look at Tsukishima and the paper, your eyes shaking at the horrifying expression the boy across you had.

“K-Kei-“

“What did you do?” He asked, his voice low.

“I- I accidentally-“

“Did you know how long it took me to print out all these?!” You flinched at his shout and your feet felt like it grew roots. You stared at him, trying to form words to apologize, to calm him down, to reason with him, anything. But all you could do was stare, mouth agape.

Tsukishima walked past you, going to the kitchen to get a towel. He walked right back towards the table and wiped the spilled water.

“Let me help-“

“No. Just-“ He sighed, scrunching the soaked paper in his hands.

“Just get out.” Tsukishima continued to wipe the table, his back now facing you.

His words felt like knives in your chest. There wasn’t a hint of his everyday cynical attitude in his tone at all and you were scared. Afraid of upsetting him more, you bowed a full 90 degrees, mumbling a shaky apologize as you took careful steps out of his apartment.

If anyone were there to see you walk by, they’ll think you just exited from a murder scene.

Back in your apartment, you sat on your couch, still trying to process all of it. You spilled water into his work he’s been doing for a week and he just kicked you out of his apartment without sparing you a glance. You were screwed.

You jump a little when you hear a door slam, you stared at your door.

Kei must be on his way to campus…

After an hour of staring at the ceiling, you mustered the courage to text an apology to him. Shaky hands and eyes a bit watery when you pressed send. Sighing loudly, you lay there on your couch, trying to calm yourself down and think of a way you could make it up to him.

“Can I send it to your email just in case? You know how my laptop is.”

You jolted from your position, eyes wide. The memory of Tsukishima’s voice replayed in your head as you frantically open your laptop. You opened your email and your heart races with excitement as you quickly downloaded the file as you ran to your bedroom to get your USB. Running back to the living room, you hastily plugged in the USB and surprisingly got it in the first time. Copying the file to the USB, you grabbed your jacket, tote bag, wallet, and ejected the USB as you dashed out of your apartment for a copy shop.

≻───── ⋆✩⋆ ─────≺

You leaned on the railings on the rooftop as you sighed. The wind softly blowing against your features as you looked down at the almost empty streets below you. Most of the lights in the surrounding buildings were off and the sky wasn’t that dark anymore. The moon was slightly on the west side, still illuminating the night sky. The stars above you twinkling as you’re enveloped in silence. It’s the perfect night.

After you had printed out all the papers, you put it in two clear folders, re-check the order, and finally set it nicely inside Tsukishima’s mailbox. You text him to give him a heads up, but you’re still worried if he even read your texts. You took out your phone from your pocket, the screen telling displaying “03:00”. You opened your lock, the wallpaper – a picture of you and an annoyed, blushing, Tsukishima – made you miss him even more.

You open your message with Tsukishima, he still didn’t read your message.

What if he didn’t see my message? What if he already printed out a new batch of it? What if- huh?

You eyed your message.

Tsukishima had just read it.

Just as you were still confused about what to do with this information, you hear someone clears their throat behind you. You flinched and turned around. Your eyes meeting those familiar golden ones. Tsukishima was staring at you, his face stoic and cold as ever. He was wearing his grey hoodie with a roaring dinosaur in the middle, his hair was a little messy but it looked cute on him.

“K-Kei! I almost had a heart attack!” You held your phone to your chest in hopes to calm your beating heart.

“You’re being dramatic.” He said, walking up to the railing and leaned against it.

“So, I heard you spilled water on someone’s project-“

“Kei-“

“That they worked HARD for,”

You winced, hearing him emphasize. You stared at your boyfriend and he was staring right back at you with his smug face. You looked down and fiddled with your fingers.

Tsukishima felt like he was scolding a puppy. He felt the tiniest guilt, but he didn’t want to let you go that easily.

“I’m guessing that’s why you’re here right now, even though you have an 8 am class tomorrow.” He teasingly scoffed. Usually, his teasing would make you feel less tense but it didn’t seem to be working right now. He sighed loudly and ran a hand through his hair.

“Thanks,” His voice was above a whisper.

“Huh?” You snapped your head up in shock. What was he thanking you for?

“I got the package you sent me,” He gave you a side glance.

“But you just read my message?”

“I saw you putting it in my mailbox.”

“Oh,”

There was silence once again. Tsukishima stepped closer and abruptly snaked his hand on your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. You looked up at him and you can see the small blush on his cheeks, his eyes were looking at anything but you.

“Sorry about getting mad at you,” He said in a rather gibberish mumbling, but you were glad you could make up what he was saying.

“Why are you sorry? I’m the one who spilled that water.” You said, reaching up your hand to pinch his cheek.

“Besides, stop acting like that, it’s weird.” You pulled his cheeks, riling him up.

“Will you stop that?” He batted your hand away and you laughed at his bashful sight.

“Let’s just go back, it’s freezing up here and I don’t want to take care of you when you catch a cold.” He groaned, his hand still around you as he walked back towards the entrance.

“What makes you think I need you?” You pinched his sides.

“I don’t know. I’m afraid you might flood the whole apartment if I don’t,”

“I told you it was an accident you salty excuse of a human being!”

“If you don’t shut up, I’ll squish you,”

“If you mean squish as in cuddling, then I won’t shut up!”

Tsukishima suddenly leaned in and placed a kiss to your lips. His actions catching you off guard. He plastered on a smirk, seeing that his plan had worked.

“If I talk some more, will you kiss me again to shut me up?” You asked,

“No. I’ll throw you off this rooftop.”

“You wouldn’t-“ Tsukishima gave you a daring glare, his grip on your arm tightens. You shut your mouth immediately and looked forward.

“Okay! Shutting my mouth now.”

You both ended up cuddling in his apartment that night.

[anothertimdrakestan]

Totally F*ckabke

Tim Drake x Reader

(SFW don't worry haha)

Words: 1.8k

Requested? Yes! From a lovely anon!

“Hi! Can I request 20 with civilian fem reader and Tim?” (20. well fuck me. "gladly")

LINK TO PROMPTS  -> REQUESTS ARE STILL OPEN!

Ok so I don’t know who you want to say what and I believe with every ounce of my being that it could 1000% go either way and it’s totally cute so I decided why not write both! Thank you for the inspo!

Reader -> Tim

Public speaking was never your strong suit. You’d like to meet a person who doesn’t get sweaty, jittery, and just a complete nervous wreck during presentations. It didn’t help that this was one of those shitty presentations where the class got graded on paying attention so all eyes really were on you and you were the last presentation of the day. With note cards shaking in your sweaty hands you slowly walked to the front of the room, looking at your classmates who looked bored out of their mind.

Making your way to the front of the room you stopped when your teacher screeched “Timothy! No sleeping in class! What is this? The fourth time I’ve caught you this week?” Glancing up you watched as the school genius rolled his eyes, lazily sauntering to the front of the class slumping into a front row seat. With a yawn Tim propped his head up on his arm mumbling something about the irrelevance of this class for someone of his intellect. While you couldn’t help but agree, you needed to ace this presentation to secure your grade for the semester.

Finally done with the situation, the class’s attention turned to you. Taking a deep breath you began, hoping you wouldn’t run out of time before the bell; trying not to look at the notecards was easy for the first few slides, but nearing the end you needed to be reminded of a key fact to your presentation. Looking down at your notecards you realize you’d smudged almost all the words with your shaking, sweaty hands. So frustrated with yourself you just let slip “Well fuck me” with a groan. While this may have shocked any normal class it was what Tim said next that shook the world.

“Gladly” With that your high school classroom descended into chaos. Your teacher continuously switched between yelling at you for cursing and Tim for even worse while some people in the class whooped and patted Tim on the back and certain girls glared at you for drawing Tim’s attention. Standing in front of the class, a blushing mess, you wanted to melt into the floor and die in one of the cracks in the floor.

Suddenly the bell rang, the majority of the students in your class stood up as you froze, realizing you probably just flunked this class. Deciding you needed to stay back and beg for the teacher’s forgiveness you pressed yourself to the wall and watched students filter out, some winking at you, some glaring, and some making wildly inappropriate gestures.

After begging for another chance and explaining your outburst your teacher let you off, clearly more upset with Tim, who had already left the classroom. As a student who normally worked really hard she let you go, but you had to make a whole new presentation as punishment. More work, but not a flunk so it was a win. Thanking her profusely you practically skipped out of the class, all had not been lost!

Abruptly turning towards the exit you missed a certain classmate waiting outside the classroom for you. “Y/n- wait up!” recognizing the voice you rolled your eyes and kept walking, but you couldn’t help a little smirk at the idea of Tim - Mr. Future Wayne Enterprises CEO waiting for you. As you opened one of the double exit doors he sprung out the other jumping in front of you, looking a little regretful and surprisingly nervous. Stopping in your tracks you crossed your arms and waited for him to talk.

“So, um, I just wanted to say sorry cuz I, um, I just kinda blurted it out and I’m really sleep deprived - like all the time, I practically live off coffee you don’t even know - that’s not the point, basically totally my bad, but like: can you blame me you’re really pretty and very nice plus I think you’re smart even though you don’t show it off but what I mean is, uh, please accept my apology. Plus I heard you get to do the presentation again so that’s good!” Finally he paused to breathe, you took a moment letting it all sink in and somehow finding his exasperation cute. Tim looked up at you with expectant eyes. With a sigh you decided it was fine. Smiling up at him you nodded. “It’s okay, plus pretty boy you’re not so un-fuckable yourself” watching his face flush was payback enough.

“Well if you think so, maybe I can... make it up to you? I can help you with the second presentation?” you agreed, liking the idea of getting to know the sleep deprived, fast-talking, genius coffee monster. “It’s a date!” you smiled, exchanging numbers before you walked off, unable to wipe a grin off your face. What you didn’t notice was Tim behind you grinning punching a fist in the air mouthing “YES” as you walked away.  

Tim -> Reader

With a yawn you cursed yourself for covering the late shift for y/b/f at Big Belly Burger, especially after a long day of school. No one ever came in but the store was open 24/7 so for the night it was just a chef who was surfing the internet with earbuds in and you, trying not to sleep on the cash register. When the clock hit 3am you decided it was time for your shift drink, black coffee. 

While you were in the back grabbing a coffee mug you could’ve sworn you heard the entrance bell jingle, but it was probably just your imagination. Stretching your arms you made your way back towards the coffee pot and saw four boys sitting at the bar. Every single one looked different, the tallest looked bored, like he didn’t want to be there while the second tallest looked expectant, constantly messing with the shortest, ruffling his hair, pinching his cheeks, and just constantly mothering the young boy who looked about ready to fight anyone who messed with him again. In the back of the group was a lean looking boy, he yawned and looked intently at the coffee pot you had begun brewing, he pushed his slightly messy hair back and you couldn’t help but trail your eyes down to the skin showing when he raised his hand... 

“Hey princess a little help over here?” the tallest boy raised an eyebrow at you, snapping you out of your moment as you rushed up to the counter with a smile. “Yeah, sorry, long night. No one usually comes in this late but what can I get for ya?” putting on your best smile you couldn’t help but steal glances at the yawning boy, while the other two older looking guys were good looking, he was the only one who radiated kindness and a lack of the overconfidence the other three carried themselves with, he reminded you of yourself. 

Taking their order you had to shake the chef awake, but he began preparing the food. Walking out you noticed the boys had stayed at the bar, clearly waiting to order drinks from you. “Alright what do we want? Milkshake, coffee, soda pop, or water?” the tallest answered first, “Chocolate milkshake!” while the kid looked up at the once motherly figure as he replied, “I’ll do a vanilla and Damian, uh the kid, will take a water. What about you Tim?” mentally logging the two youngest’s names you and Tim made eye contact for the first time, looking directly at you he lost all form of language. Trying to cover for him you asked, “saw you looking at the coffee pot earlier, can I get you some?” he nodded, looking down as one of the boys started laughing. “Jay stop please” came from Tim. 

Trying to break some tension you said “So little fella here is Damian, tall and brooding is Jay, english major is Tim, and the one who paid is Dick” you waited for confirmation. Slightly impressed the boys nodded, adding that they were brothers. Chatting while you prepared and blended their shakes you realized they were the Wayne brothers, but you didn’t want to embarrass them. You were so tired, your brain holding no self control, wanting to learn more about the boys, especially Tim. Learning that Dick demanded they bond every other week and this was tonight’s chosen activity you understood the different boy’s emotions. 

While handing each boy their drink you held on to the handle in hopes you’d touch Tim’s hand. “Uh it’s hot here, grab the handle then I’ll let go” feeling his hand wrap around yours made the both of you blush and clearly distracted Tim as he dropped the mug of coffee. “Well fuck me” Tim groaned, he jumped up glaring at his brothers as the laughed, the two of you began wiping up the mess. Tim hopped over the bar to help you clean on your side where the majority of the coffee was spilled, you couldn’t help but be impressed with his agility. While both of you bent down below the bar you decided to be brave, whispering in his ear, “you said ‘fuck me’ and I just want you to know I would gladly” he completely flushed and you popped up, throwing out paper towels. 

Tim eventually rose from behind the bar, still blushing uncontrollably and smiling. “Shit lemme get behind that bar I want what Drake’s having princess” Jason began to get up with a smirk before he was pulled down by Dick. “Sorry buddy she’s clearly going for Timbers.” Dick smiled approvingly while the youngest Wayne rolled his eyes, tired with the flirting. “TT y/n I believe it is, I can see our food is ready but please take all the time you need trying to get with my brother but can I please eat while the two of you idiots make eyes at each other.” a wildly embarrassed Tim leaped over the bar again, this time going for Damian. 

Spinning on your heels you grabbed the food and placed it in front of each boy. As they ate you chatted with them. Damian and Jason were clearly bored with the small talk while Dick couldn’t stop grinning. Before leaving Tim tried to hype himself up to get your number. As the other boys walked out he stayed with hopeful eyes. Not having to say anything you knew what he wanted. “Would you like a receipt?” you asked with a wink, again unable to form coherent words he nodded. Handing him your number on a folded piece of paper, you kissed his cheek over the bar and waved goodbye. Watching him walk away unable to wipe a grin off his face as his brothers patted him on the back you felt like you could actually see a future with Tim.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is the youngest age you can remember back to? I have some vague memories from preschool.

What sports are you trying out for this year? Ha, good one.

Did you wear your hair in a ponytail today? Nope, it’s in its usual messy bun.

Who do you have on speed dial? No one. Is that still a thing?

What colors do you like to paint your toenails? I don’t paint my toenails.

Would it be cool to learn how to DJ at a club? I don’t have an interest in being a DJ.

Where are you going to be three hours from now? Right here in bed, likely sleeping.

What job would you NEVER take, even as a last resort? Something dangerous, illegal, or made me uncomfortable.

If you broke your computer, would you be able to fix it on your own? No, definitely not.

If someone looked in your closet, how would they judge your style? I don’t hang up my clothes in my closet except for my jackets, but if someone were to see my wardrobe they’d see a lot of black, a lot of leggings, and a lot of graphic tees. They’d be like okay she clearly likes to be comfortable.

What was the shittiest hotel you’ve ever stayed at and why? Fortunately, I haven’t had a bad hotel experience.

Have you ever gone on a boat and been sick the whole time? I’ve never been out on a boat.

Did you get a good sleep last night? No, but do I ever?

What is the weather like outside? It’s currently 46F.

If someone makes a spelling or grammar mistake, do you ignore or correct? I ignore it.

Do oversized sunglasses actually look good on you? I don’t wear sunglasses.

What is the most overrated thing in the world? Hm.

Have you heard any completely untrue rumors about yourself lately? I haven’t heard any rumors about me.

What is one word to describe your room? Small.

Have you ever kept something from the wild as a pet? No.

Do your parents try to plan out your future for you? No.

Do you think that surveys are a huge waste of time? I’ve been doing them for a very long time, so apparently not. I honestly really like doing them.

Are you wearing a hoodie today? No, it’s too warm for that.

Did you sleep alone the last two nights? I always do.

You’re single, right? Yep.

How long was your last phone conversation you had? A few minutes.

Who was it with? My mom.

What was it about? She called to ask me something.

Excited for anything? No.

Got laid last night, didn’t you? No.

Do you have drama in your life? No. I have plenty of other issues to keep me occupied, though.

What’s something you really want right now, be honest? I’m hungry.

As of this minute, what is going through your mind? I’m hungry and I also want Starbucks.

Have you laughed until you cried? Yeah. It’s been a very long time since I’ve had a good laugh like that, though.

What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

What color are your shoes? I have several pairs of shoes.

Can you crack your neck? Yes.

What is the last thing you drank? Water.

Where would I have found you last night at 11pm? Right here in bed.

What’s your plans for next Friday? Tomorrow is Friday and I’ll be doing the same things I do everyday.

Does anyone hate you? Probably.

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you like? I don’t like anyone currently. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? I’m not going anywhere.

Who will you be sleeping with tonight? Myself.

Is there anyone you wouldn’t mind punching in the face now? No, I don’t want to punch or hit anyone. 

What do you have pierced? Just my earlobes.

Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Yeah, a lot of people.

Where is the person you want right now? I don’t want anyone.

Are you too forgiving? Yes.

Will this weekend be a good one? I just hope I feel better.

What is your favorite thing about being sick? Uh, absolutely nothing.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t do? Yes.

Are there any people who don’t like you? Probably.

The boy/girl you truly care about needs you at 3am, would you go? I don’t have a guy in my life right now.

If you had to get a piercing right now, what would it be? Nah.

Do you have any bruises on you? I don’t think so.

Are you ticklish? Just my neck.

Ever liked someone who treated you like crap? Yes.

Who do you like right now? Sigh.

What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated? A year.

Are you gonna get high later? No.

What was the first thing you said when you woke up today? I haven’t gone to bed, yet.

Do you blow dry your hair? Nope.

Do you look decent when you wake up? I don’t look decent ever.

Have you ever liked someone older then you? Just by a couple years unless we’re including celebrities.

Is it hard to make you laugh? It’s harder now than it used to be. I feel like I don’t laugh as much anymore. :/

How late did you stay up last night? I’m still up at 8AM.

Which is worse for you: being hot, or being cold? Being hot, most definitely. Ugh.

How many drugs have you done in the last three days? I don’t do drugs.

[kayliemusing]

37

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? - I think a few hours ago lol

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? - how does it everything work out in the end

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? - i don't really have one yet

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? - When I was 8, my family and I were driving home from the christmas eve service. It was snowing big fluffy snowflakes and i was in a sparkly dress in the backseat. rascal flatts was playing 'god bless the broken road' on the radio and we were all sitting in this really nice content silence.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? - I think I'd try to do more, go out more, experience more, write more.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? - Write a novel(s) / write successful novels - Fall in love - finally go to a taylor swift concert lol

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. - My mom is someone I super close to. She has these vibrant blue eyes that literally carry an ocean of good things. She has a warm soul and she always uses her energy to lift other people up or just to hold their hand when life is rocky.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? - Yes

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? - I don't remember. A while ago I think. Maybe like last september-ish and I only remember that because my job did a really not cool thing to me and I cried when I told my mom and then cried when I told my best friend lol

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. - My mom because we could talk about life while stargazing.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? - maybe. if i felt super comfortable with them and it was the right time for it, then probably.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? - I don't know, actually. Probably not since high school or roughly around then bc i'm always asleep by 10 pm lol. it was probably with one of my friends.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? - I'd probably tell my mom thank you for everything she's done and had to sacrifice for me/our family, and i'd tell her i loved her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? - Beautiful! Bright! Lovely! God tier! Wow!

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. - "I couldn't get the boy to kill me but I wore his jacket for the longest time" by Richard Siken. First of all, this quote makes me like !!!!! just exclamation marks!!!! I think I just love the poetry and the subtext in this quote, because it's kind of like being haunted by this boy was in itself its own kind of death. So like yeah you didn't kill me, but you haunt me instead.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? - What The Hell Is This: a memoir by me

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? - Buy a house and move to a different city, invest a lot of it, buy a car, buy another cat, send money to charity, quit my job.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? - I'm a forgiving person when I feel like someone is worth forgiving, which I kind of don't like about myself because I don't know if that's necessarily the right thing. I don't like that I feel like people have to earn forgiveness, but if I'm hurt by someone or someone has hurt someone I love, I tend to hold grudges and I will especially hold grudges if the hurt or offense is never addressed. But if someone were to apologize and I felt like they were sincere and they gave me a good explanation for the actions, I'm definitely forgiving then.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. - n/a

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? - pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. - I don't mind some tattoos and piercings, but I don't like tons of piercings and I definitely don't like tattoo sleeves or anything like that lol. You do you, but I could never lol.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? - Generally, yeah. It depends on my mood that day. Sometimes I'll wear a full face, other times I'll do bare minimum or nothing at all. Makeup makes me feel nice and it can really make your features pop.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. - Taylor Swift baby. Taylor has been such an inspiration to me as a writer and a human being. I think she sees the world very vividly and very romantically, and I love that about her. I love that she's kind-natured, even when the world tries to put a masochistic spin on her, she's simply just good. I love her honestly and vulnerability in her story-telling, and I love the work-ethic and careful creativity that's in her work. On a more personal note, her music feels like contentment and joy, and sometimes nostalgia. I started listening to her music in the fifth/sixth grade but I remember when Speak Now came out and at that time I was starting to get into writing and I could really see that she was a writer too so I clung to her, and then Red was released while my dad was fighting cancer and that album was just something I really pressed into as a means of comfort and escape and I'm so glad that I had her music lean on.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. - *mind goes blank*

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. - I haven't actually been to a concert that's really impacted me meaningfully because I've never gone to anyone I legitimately wanted to see lol. When I was 10, I went to a Jonas Brothers concert with my sister who was a bigger fan of them than I was and I do remember it being a good time. Then when I was 15, my best friend took me to marianas trench because our other friend baled so she had a spare ticket. It was a really good show and it actually made me get into their music more than I had been before which was awesome.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? - I would love it if taylor swift wrote me a letter and I honestly wouldn't care what she wrote in it as long as it was something nice lol

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? - I used to have a work space in my room but I moved the desk upstairs to our office. Now I just write in my room and that for me looks like a made up bed, a nightstand with a candle, and a vanilla-scented lamp to create a warm cozy atmosphere.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? - I usually write in the evening and then maybe I'll watch youtube or I'll listen to music or scroll through tiktok lol. Then I put on my pj's, skincare routine, brush teeth, and I go to bed (where I end up reading for half the night but whatevs)

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? - I'm pretty open with my mom so I don't think there's anything she doesn't know about me lol.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? - I wouldn't mind dying my tips pink or blue just because I think that's a universally cute look. As for styling it, probably what I do now, maybe curl it a little more.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? - I don't think I even know five people (that i'm close to) yikes

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. - I wish for success, because I always feel like a failure or inadequate in someway - I wish to fall in love, because I'd like to know it at least once - I wish to be able to write again in a way that makes me happy, because I feel like I keep disappointing myself and I just want that creative freedom again

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. - I've never done anything super creative lol but one year I dressed like a bumble bee and I loved that costume because it was a little frilly dress with wings.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? - fun fact I've never been drunk or high

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? - Anything that involves killing or spiders

storms: you can only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? - All too well by taylor swift baby

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. - I have not fallen in love before but I imagine it feels like contentment and coming home.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? - I wouldn't do really short hair, but my favourite hair cuts on me was a short bob.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? - Just your standard white hot chocolate, and i'd trust anyone to order it for me bc it's not that difficult lol

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? - My writing / my career I think

[honeyopinion]

20/20 Albums of the Year

Circles by Mac Miller  |  Hip-Hop, Soul, Funk Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For... Pouring One Out for Mac

I wrote a few different drafts of this album summary, and none of them felt like they really fit the impossibly large bill of accurately describing the posthumous importance or brilliance of this album. If you are a fan of hip-hop or soul music of any kind, try to give this piece of work a chance. I for one, used to judge Mac based on his early frat rap days in the late 2000s. But a decade later he came to leave the world with one of the most surprising and frankly impressive artistic evolutions that I’ve been able to witness in real time. RIP Mac. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora 

Start With: “Circles” or “Everybody”

Marigold by Pinegrove  |  Alternative Country and Folk Rock Released: January 17, 2020

Best Album For… Passing Through a Small Town on a Cloudy Winter Day 

Pinegrove was one of the last great concerts I got to experience before the pandemic. And it was my favorite performance of theirs from the last 6 years of seeing them play live. Is this my favorite album of theirs? Honestly, it’s not. But I still find it extremely enjoyable, and the memory of seeing these songs performed live, along with some of their classics, was enough for me to include it on this list. This is an album that marks Pinegrove’s exit from their pop punk roots. It’s still sentimental, but much more country and folk rock focused vs. anything trying to be associated with emo or punk. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora   Start With: “The Alarmist” or “No Drugs”

Watch This Liquid Pour Itself by Okay Kaya  |  Synth Pop, Art Rock, Folk Released: January 24, 2020

Best Album For… Crywanking at 3am, Bathed in The Dull Light of Your Overheating Laptop

What if Feist and Father John Misty had a secret love child? They might sound something like Okay Kaya. Self proclaimed “Singer ~ Crywanker,” Okay Kaya brings serious BDE to weirdo art pop that she seems like she could be a plant  from the mind of Nathan Fielder. Kaya delivers with such deadpan precision as she rolls out line after line of sarcastic joy, staring blankly at our dystopian reality. “Here I am, the whole world is my daddy,” “Netflix and yeast infection,” “Sex with me is mediocre,” “I just want us to do well like Jon Bon Jovi’s Rosê,” and, “My parasite and I are blushing / In the zero interaction ramen bar,” are just a few examples of some of her memorable and biting lyrics. The entire album is both a critique and nihilistic fondness for the absurdity of our lonely technological society, not quite sure how to deal with taboos like repressed female sexuality, depression, and codependency. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Baby Little Tween” or “Asexual Wellbeing”

UNLOCKED by Denzel Curry and Kenny Beats  |  Hip-Hop Released: February 7, 2020

Best Album For... Nodding Your Damn Head To, Feeling Cooler Than You Actually Are

I had to double check that this was an album. Clocking in under 20 minutes, this collection of songs feels more like an EP, especially with the track titles that purposefully look like file names and placeholders. But for a short album, Denzel wastes no time, furiously zigging and zagging effortlessly over Kenny Beats’ 90s New York-indebted production (ad libs and all). Kenny pulls out samples of an array of pop culture references made by Denzel (like quotes from movies and weapon sound effects like a lightsaber) — as he rotates his flow between admirable impressions of DMX, Nas, and Joey Bada$$.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “So.Incredible.pkg” or “DIET_”

Cardboard City by Zack Villere  |  Pop, Electronic, R&B Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For… Pal-ing Around With Your Friends From High School, Maybe Quoting Superbad At The Same Time

The first time I watched a music video from Zack Villere, I noticed the top comment said: “how did frank ocean get trapped in mark zuckerberg.” And while that definitely gets at the heart of how Zack Villere presents himself, he is not a phenomenal singer like Frank Ocean is, nor does he come off as an asshole like Mark Zuckerberg does. I would say that he is just a slightly awkward nerdy white guy who loves hip-hop production and R&B melodies. So the better question is really, “how did drake get trapped in michael cera?” This premise should not work at all, but somehow it does. This is only Villere’s second album, but he shows some serious production and songwriting chops, plus a commitment to his delivery that comes across as genuine, charming, and unique. 

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Grateful” or “Superhero Strength”

The Slow Rush by Tame Impala  |  Psych Rock, Synth Pop, Disco Released: February 14, 2020

Best Album For... Throwing a Silent Disco For One 

Tame Impala continues on their now 10 year streak of psych rock dominance. Along the way we’ve seen Kevin Parker master and stretch the boundaries of psychedelic production. This has resulted in his music coming as close to sounding like the best aspects of The Beatles, while also expanding into hip hop drums, R&B hooks, plus more and more electronic elements. This is an album that I was not super impressed with when it initially came out, but as we entered the pandemic and were tasked with finding small joys in staying at home all the time, I found myself going back to this album and appreciating the themes of solitude and self reflection that Parker has drawn from throughout his career.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  

Start With: “Posthumous Forgiveness” or “One More Hour”

1988 by Knxwledge  |  Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Pumping Your Brakes and Driving Slow, Uh *Homie* Although this album is named after a year in the 80s, the sound here is a perfect portal back to 90s golden era hip-hop, with all the gospel, soul samples, and the kind of deep bass you want to feel in your chest. This is the rare, largely instrumental hip-hop album that I find myself going back to, other than works from the legendary J Dilla and MF Doom. Knxwledge is good friends and a frequent collaborator with Anderson .Paak (in the form of NxWorries). Here we get Anderson to grace us with his presence on the track “itkanbe[sonice]”, and of course it sounds just like an authentic vintage soul sample. When I hear this collection of songs it makes me wish I still had a car, so I could inevitably damage my speakers listening to this.

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Start With: “dont be afraid” or “thats allwekando.”

Future Nostalgia by Dua Lipa  |  Pop, R&B, Funk, Disco Released: March 27, 2020 Best Album For... Alarming Your Pet With Your Enthusiastic Lip Syncing

This album is a pure sugar rush. Like Bruno Mars with the help of Mark Ronson, or Calvin Harris a few years ago, Dua has harnessed a nostalgia (it’s even in the title, wink) for disco, funk and R&B, and is instantly a sexy, catchy, not-so-guilty pleasure. It’s sad that the majority of these songs are all bonafide club hits that didn’t have a proper home this year … except for my living room. And hopefully yours.

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Start With: “Pretty Please” or “Future Nostalgia”

Hold Space For Me by Orion Sun  |  Alternative R&B and Hip-Hop Released: March 27, 2020

Best Album For... Wishing Frank Ocean Was Your Dad

“Alternative R&B” is a contentious term, but what else would you call one of a few R&B singers cool enough to make it onto (NYC indie darlings) Mom+Pop Records?? On one hand, she brings the vulnerable and introverted lyrics of an indie singer songwriter like Tracey Chapman, crossed with the raw presence and sweet melodic delivery of a true R&B star like Aaliyah. I’d even go far enough to refer to her as the musical stepchild of Frank Ocean and SZA.

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Start With: “Ne Me Quitte Pass (Don’t Leave Me)” or “Lightning”

You and Your Friends by Peach Pit  |  Indie Rock and Dream Pop Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Going Back To Your College Town To Crash A Party

Peach Pit seem like they would be cool dudes to hang out with. You have no problem picturing them as the band playing a house show in an indie movie about college kids. And that’s because there’s a familiarity to the scenes that their songs portray, of stumbling through your 20s, either being too dumb or having too much fun to notice. It’s funny to refer to this as “Indie” rock since this is Peach Pit’s major label debut with Columbia Records. But It has all the trappings of Indie; sticky melodies, gentle reverb, an “I’m not trying that hard” vibe, and lyrics that are oddly specific enough to be interesting, but still vague enough to be relatable.

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Start With: “Feelin’ Low (Fuckboy Blues)” or “Shampoo Bottles”

Heaven To a Tortured Mind by Yves Tumor  |  Psych Rock, Indie Pop, Post-Punk, Alternative R&B, Experimental Electronic Released: April 3, 2020

Best Album For... Tearing Up The Fucking Dance Floor With Your Hot Robot Girlfriend

If Tyler the Creator, Alex G, King Krule, and Blood Orange all got into the studio together and dropped a shit ton of acid on Halloween, their recording session might sound something like Heaven To a Tortured Mind… And even then, you still might have trouble putting your finger on exactly what you’re hearing. “Dream Palette” is a good reference track for Tumor’s most wild and mesmerizing qualities. The biggest styles of the past half century of music have been loaded into this gleefully effective genre blender, with blades of dissonance slicing everything up, creating a surrealist sonic smoothie.

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Start With: “Super Stars” or “Dream Palette”

The New Abnormal by The Strokes  |  Indie Rock, Dirtbag Disco, Synth Pop Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Mixing Yourself Another Drink This Saturday Night

Back from the dead, The Strokes return with their first album in 7 years to turn some heads and settle back into some old habits. The charming messy haired garage rock of the early 2000s still pops up here and there, but this is really a record where the group is mature enough to show you that they actually are trying, and are unafraid to take joyous swings for the fences. Julian Casablancas pushes his scratchy alley cat yelp of a voice into something more vulnerable, sunny, and sweet, like he asked for a piña colada (you know, with one of those little umbrellas) instead of a double shot of scotch before hopping up on stage… Or maybe he did both. But these days, everyone is looking for some sort of break from our groundhog day lives any way that we can. Sometimes that sounds like selling out, or depending on how you look at it, stepping up. This album is the result of a group of old friends who got together to make music they simply want to make for themselves. Now far removed from the 2000s New York scene where their younger selves were acting too cool and disaffected to care about having fun.

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Start With: “Eternal Summer” or “The Adults Are Talking”

The Loves of Your Life by Hamilton Leithauser  |  Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: April 10, 2020

Best Album For... Drinking Down At The Docks, Watching The Sun Set

While I am a fan of The Walkmen, I have no idea what their frontman Hamilton Leithauser looks like or how he dresses. But hearing these songs off of his latest solo, I imagine the following: a member of Mumford and Sons if they were edgy and cooler, giving off a “cowboy rocker meets depression-era dock worker” aesthetic. That’s exactly how his music comes off to me. It’s a convincing blend of blues rock, Americana, and old timey country music. All expertly narrated by dusty country guitars and standup bass, tarnished horns and flutes, and what I imagine to be a restored saloon piano. The Loves of Your Life originally started as a collection of short stories, each about characters based on both people he knew and strangers. Leithauser then wrote the music separately, and finally came to mix and match their parts together in a surprisingly convincing fashion to create the album.

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Start With: “Wack Jack” or “Cross-Sound Ferry (Walk-On Ticket)”

What Kinda Music by Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes  |  Neo-Soul, Electronic, Hip-Hop

Released: April 24, 2020

Best Album For... Cooking For Someone You’re In Love With

Exactly what kind of music do Tom Misch and Yussef Dayes make? It’s orchestral, it’s jazz-infused, it’s hip-hop beats joined with gentle soul. It’s a little sexy, it’s a little mysterious, and you’re going to want to listen to it a whole lot. That’s it. That’s what kind of music it is! Send tweet. 

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Start With: “What Kinda Music” or “Storm Before The Calm”

Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams  |  Electronic Pop and Art Rock Released: May 8, 2020

Best Album For... Browsing Depop for Your Next 80s Normcore ‘Fit

Hayley, Hayley, Hayley. You are too good for this wretched world!! After exploring more adventurous sounds and genre hopping over the last few Paramore records, Hayley decided to go out on her own. This really frees herself from the expectations that come along with being the face and heart of a wildly popular band for the last 15+ years. Thom Yorke fans rejoice, because Hayley Williams has a clear admiration for Radiohead’s haunting indie electronic vibe, while emoting some pain and darkness atop her love for 80s pop and art rock (think Genesis, Devo, The Talking Heads). This is a promising new avenue for Hayley to explore herself and process her pain and desire completely on her own. I see this new project of hers only blooming further from here.

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Start With: “Simmer” or “Sudden Desire” 

Set My Heart On Fire Immediately by Perfume Genius  |  Indie Pop and Art Rock Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Daydreaming That You Were Somewhere Else

For his 5th studio album, Perfume Genius enlists production wizard and guitar god Blake Mills, along with Grammy Award-winning arranger and multi-instrumentalist Rob Moose to create a beautiful swirling mosaic of 80s pastel pop that also packs serious classic rock grandeur. Bass guitar dances between satin smooth lines on one song to churning distorted currents on the next. Sparkling string arrangements and organs bleed together to expose a fading sunset that you’ll want to try and hold in your hands to keep it in sight. Perfume Genius is unafraid to challenge traditional masculinity, packing a 21st century queer machismo into both the quiet moments and jubilant explosions.

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Start With: “Without You” or “Describe”

græ by Moses Sumney  |  Indie Pop, Art Rock, Neo-Soul, Psychic Folk Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Astral Projection 101 

I mean this in the best way possible, but I think that Moses Sumney is a witch. Or maybe a wizard? There’s no other reasonable explanation for the level of creativity and wonder that he summons. This album feels like a private concert by a waterfall (similar to one on the cover), with ethereal pleas, and heavy ideas—like meditating on what lies beyond the constraints of the physical self and reconsidering how well we can actually trust memory and the mind. Sumney layers his voice to create the effect of a ghostly choir, accented by a stark intimidating falsetto that reverberates through the ruins of an abandoned temple where Sumney is the only one in attendance.

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Start With: “Cut Me” or “Polly”

WILL THIS MAKE ME GOOD by Nick Hakim  |  Psychedelic Neo-Soul Released: May 15, 2020

Best Album For... Playing Pool in a Hazy Dive Bar

Nick Hakim is a silky smooth smokey crooner who paints with warbly piano loops, dreamy reverb-heavy guitar, boom bap beats—not to mention a falsetto that would make Smokey Robinson jealous. Clearly a fan of Motown and 60s jazz, Hakim could be considered a peer of Thunder Cat and Anderson .Paak’s to a degree. I remember seeing him perform at Music Hall of Williamsburg a few years ago. The performance ended with him falling down on stage (presumably from being under the influence of multiple substances). But while the song continued he popped back up and belted an impressive high note like it was nothing, drink in hand. And it’s that kind of messy beauty that also makes this album so engrossing. Like watching the eye of the storm get closer and closer, but unable to look away from the sheer magnetism that nature can wield.

Spotify      Apple Music      YouTube      Pandora  Start With: “All THESE CHANGES” or “ALL THESE INSTRUMENTS”

RTJ4 by Run The Jewels  |  Hip-Hop Released: June 3, 2020

Best Album For... Making Your Next Protest Sign

Run The Jewels’ fourth outing might be the most unapologetically angry rap album in the “fuck this” year of 2020. And it reminded me that I should absolutely still be furious about everything that happened during this groundbreaking yet terrifyingly familiar year: country wide protests over the continued murder of innocent black people at the hands of the police, government drone strikes and detaining kids in cages, the state of our environment worsening—and that’s not even addressing the pandemic or election. Killer Mike and El-P are here to scream from the rooftops that our current system of cutthroat capitalism and white supremacy is killing the planet and its inhabitants, and I’m glad that they’re using their platform to continue to sound the alarm.

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Start With: “out of sight” or “ooh la la”

Your Hero Is Not Dead by Westerman  |  New Wave Revival and Indie Pop Released: June 5, 2020 Best Album For... Wanting Your Old School MTV

The cover of Westerman’s first proper album is mostly black and white, except for the title, which is scrawled out in lettering which spans the Crayola color spectrum. It’s an album that on the surface is cold and buttoned up, but when these choruses open up, the maximalist 80s power pop bursts like the bulbs of a neon sign. There’s a level of even-keeled cool and confidence in small moments on display here that makes this relatively new artist seem well beyond his years. Having seen him play at Rough Trade a few years ago (opening up for the stellar Puma Blue), the songwriting growth on display on this record is impressive. I’m only sad that there wasn’t an opportunity to have seen him play these new songs live.

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Start With: “Easy Money” or “Confirmation (SSBD)” 

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers  |  Indie Rock and Alternative Country Released: June 18, 2020

Best Album For... Burning Incense and Breaking Out a Ouija Board to Talk to The Ghost of Your Former Self

This is without a doubt, a career defining release for Phoebe. Taking everything she’s learned from writing, performing, and touring with the likes of Lucy Dacus and Julien Baker (in boygenius), and Conor Oberst (in Better Oblivion Community Center), Bridgers levels up to become the truly prolific singer-songwriter she’s been telling us she would always be. Bridgers has explained her personal definition of “a punisher” as a well meaning person who’s, “just talking to you and they don’t realize that your eyes are glazed over and you’re trying to escape.” Vital to understanding this album and its central message is that Phoebe finds herself caught between the contradiction of falling victim to this phenomenon while also doing it herself, especially if she ever met her musical idol, Elliott Smith. Punisher serves as a warning to her audience that if you focus too much on trying to find yourself through other people (via escaping through fandom, drugs, toxic relationships), you’ll always feel lost and dissatisfied, without the proper self awareness to ever quite know why. 

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Start With: “Garden Song” or “ICU”

Women In Music Pt. III by HAIM  |  Rock, Pop, Folk, R&B Released: June 26, 2020

Best Album For... Preparing For A Better 2021, lol 

With this album, HAIM skyrocketed to the #1 position of family bands that start with an “H.” Sorry, Hanson! But seriously, HAIM has outdone themselves on this one. If there was one album from this list that I would dub my personal AOTY, this would be it. You might wince at any tracklist longer than 10-12 songs these days (I know I usually do), but almost every song proves itself worthy, pulling at a different thread of my heart until there’s nothing left. Sunshine State Beach Pop? Check. Blues Tinged Dad Rock? Yup! Dive Bar Country? Mmhmm! No, wait, what’s that you say, Glitched-Out R&B? Yes, yes, and yes. You can have it all, sister! ‘Cause when you’re Haim, you’re family! ;) And these three “women in music” continue to prove that they are just about the best Assorted Pop Rocks(™) act in the world right now.

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Start With: “I’ve Been Down” or “Don’t Wanna”

Lianne La Havas by Lianne La Havas  |  Neo-Soul and Indie Pop Released: July 17, 2020

Best Album For... Sipping Coffee and Journaling on a Weekend Morning

This album exudes a warm vulnerability, like a comforting hug we all needed this year. On her third album, Lianne La Havas makes the risky decision to self title it, a move that artists make when they believe that it is the piece of work that they most want most directly associated with their name. It’s one thing to name your first album after yourself if you can’t think of anything else at the time, but to make a self titled album in the middle of your career, it means that you are sure about having captured who you really are and who you want people to remember you as. “If I love myself, I know I can't be no one else,” La Havas admits on the standout track, “Paper Thin.” She knows that she will meet her destiny and reach self actualization, but only through self love. And finally, I cannot overstate how breathtaking La Havas’s voice comes across on this album. The strength and control on display in her vocal tone and vibrato is quite a spectacle. 

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Start With: “Paper Thin” or “Sour Flower”

Limbo by Aminé  |  Hip-Hop and R&B Released: August 7, 2020

Best Album For... Trying and Get Over Kanye With

On Limbo, Aminé establishes himself as one of the torchbearers of soul-sampling, lyrics-driven hip-hop that still cares about storytelling, skits, and presenting vocals clearly. Kanye West, Drake, and J. Cole all paved the way for someone from the next generation like Aminé to keep the dream alive and avoid succumbing to the “feel good, don’t think” form of passive listening that mumble rap has made the standard for mainstream hip-hop.

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Start With: “Pressure In My Palms” or “My Reality”

Shore by Fleet Foxes  |  Folk and Indie Rock Released: September 22, 2020

Best Album For... Running Along The Beach With Your Arms Stretched Out

It was really kind of Robin Pecknold and co. to have released an album this triumphant, calming, and awe-inspiring during the year of our Lorde 2020. On behalf of myself and anyone else who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, the SAD people of the world really needed this, man. And to anyone who is quick to judge these beard-o’s of being boring, you’re simply not using your ears properly. Yeah, you know those two things on either side of your head? Get the gunk out of them! That way you’ll hear the choir of angels with acoustic guitars who are here to guide us through quarantine and beyond. 

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Start With: “Can I Believe You” or “A Long Way Past The Past” 

Listen to all of these albums together in our playlist.

[kominum]

swept away // t.h.

hello, new writing blog here! i have another writing blog for a different fandom, but i wanted to make a separate one for t.h./p.p. scenarios. since this is new, i’ll be writing for prompts that interest me, but you can send in some as well for blurbs and whatnot! 

genre: some angst, some fluff, pining, uni!au 

prompt: you’re baking cookies in the communal kitchen at 3am and you’re really angry and hungry (adjustment from the prompt where another person is angry and hungry)

length: ~1.8k

This should not become a habit, you think to yourself. In fact, it shouldn’t have happened enough to begin with to even come close to becoming a habit, but after a couple of nights with too much alcohol and hangovers you’d rather never experience again, you’re here. 

Here, in this communal kitchen, at 3 in the fucking morning, baking chocolate chip cookies in the oven. 

Yes, homemade cookies are better. Yes, the tear-apart cookies from the grocery store are low-key trash. Yes, you know that they’re really not that good for you. But no, your professor decided to be an insufferable asshole during a physical chemistry lab session for the fifth fucking time, and you’re going to unwind somehow. You know that if you don’t, someone else will get the bad end of the stick aka someone will unfairly be on the receiving end of your murderous stare and you’d rather not get on anyone’s bad side. There’s a part of you that desires to be liked by everyone, which is probably 80% of the explanation as to why you let this asinine professor walk all over you for four hours a week.

So here you are, messy hair, lids heavy, eye bags dark, curled up in a chair and staring angrily at the oven, just waiting for the cookies to cook and let themselves be devoured by you. In the last few times, no one has been here, and you’re not worried about anyone catching you clad in a fandom hoodie and stained sweatpants. 

As you’re thinking about all the different ways you could “accidentally” spill a harmless but staining chemical on top of your professor’s hair (especially the one that he very first yelled at you about because he truly thought you were stupid enough to not wear gloves, but instead the chemical had stained past the nitrile for fuck’s sake), soft padded steps make themselves known behind you. Naturally, you freeze and peer into the reflection of the oven cover, eyes trying to make out the details of the person behind you. A young man walks in donned in an oversized t-shirt with some scrawled text on it and pink pajama pants who later jumps back when he spots you around the corner. You watch him flinch in the reflection and almost drop his unwrapped bags of microwave popcorn before you turn in your chair and just...stare.

He’s cute. Despite the outfit, he’s ridiculously cute, and you can’t find the energy to muster a smile or even say hi. So essentially, he’s receiving a bitch stare while fumbling with the unpopped popcorn, finally managing to place it correctly in the microwave and glance in any direction but you, his fingers tapping rhythmically against his thigh. Your 3AM, sugar-addicted brain decides that it’ll do the stupid thing and force you to speak.

“Don’t you have a microwave in your own room?” 

Cutie in pink zips around to look at you, completely bewildered, and he clears his throat. “Well..uh..the uh, um...microwave in my room is broken. Housing hasn’t come by to fix it,” he mumbles towards the end, your ears picking up a British accent. You hum in understanding and take a glance back at the timer on the oven, gauging whether or not your cookies needed more time. They’ve got a couple of minutes.

“Housing can take forever sometimes,” you add, trying to sound empathetic. “Both bags of popcorn are for you?”

“No,” he replies, sounding slightly offended. You throw your hands up in innocence, fighting a smile. “My mate and I are having a movie marathon. What about you? I can smell the cookies.”

“Yep, all 12 for myself. One of those days, you know? And it’s perfectly fine to have 2 bags of popcorn to yourself. Lord knows I’ve done it,” you snort, thinking about how just two weeks ago, the two bags of butter popcorn had become your dinner on a night that you needed to really hunker down and study.   

“One of those days? Wanna talk about it?” He asks while listening for the number of pops in the microwave. Harrison would never forgive him if he burned popcorn because he was too busy talking to a girl. 

“Well,” you rub your temples and stand up to take the cookies out of the oven. “Long story short, I have an asshole professor and I see him way too much for my own liking. If he makes another snide sexist comment about women being in science, I’ll be sorely tempted to complain to someone higher up.” Your hand picks up a cookie to check the bottom and nods in approval. “Want one?” You ask over a cookie in your mouth, handing the tray to the boy who’s putting in the second bag of popcorn. 

He shrugs, “Thanks.” Doing the smart thing, he blows a bit on the cookie first before popping half of it into his mouth, eyes closing in satisfaction at the warm chocolate hitting his tongue. “Anyone who argues that warm cookies aren’t the best things sent to Earth, I have half a mind to have a go at ‘em.” 

“I’m with you on that,” you laugh. “Better this than alcohol. Wanna take some more for your friend?”

“Yeah sure. Actually,” he pauses, gazing deeply into the microwave. “You wanna come watch the movies with us? Bring the cookies there too?” His eyes are full of hesitation and he chews nervously on the inside of his lip. Maybe he was too forward, maybe he was too friendly, maybe -- 

“Why not?” You shrug, said too fast and partially out of need for human contact and partially because the popcorn smells too good. It’d be nice to balance out the sweetness with some salt. “I hope they’re good movies.”

“Trust me, we have great taste in movies.”

And that’s how you found yourself following a cute British boy to his room with a tray of cookies and a warm heart. 

-

Things had kicked off since then, the surprised look on Harrison’s face that day still ingrained into your mind. You had also passed out on Tom’s shoulder and woken up with a sore back on the couch, both boys missing but a note on the table for you. Since then, numbers had been exchanged and a group chat formed. Tom has taken to asking you if you want cookie dough every time he goes to the grocery store now, and their room never seems to run out of microwave popcorn. Late night sessions turned into not-so-late rants, sometimes just tiredly knocking on their door and either one of the boys opening it for you. Sleep is important, and not only for the weak.

Yet when being caught up in the wind of things, you couldn’t deny that you felt something for Tom. College was a busy time and yes, you should have fun, and yes, you should shoot your shot or whatever the Internet says these days, but the fear of rejection outweighs the possible acceptance. Things are too good with Tom and you wouldn’t want to lose that. You know that if Tom denied your feelings, you’d immediately run away and lock the door on your heart for who knows how long. You’d abandon all traditions and any paths that could cross with them, foreshadowing that if you ever did see them, the embarrassment would overtake you. At that moment, you would want nothing more than to dig a hole and stay in it for the rest of eternity. 

“You’re being so dramatic,” you mutter to yourself, knees bent as you lay on a throw pillow against the arm on Tom and Harrison’s couch and flip through their Netflix. The microwave had long been fixed, and though your ears can definitely register the sound of corn kernels aggressively hitting the sides of the bag, they evidently didn’t catch Tom coming to see if you’d made a choice on a movie yet. 

“Who’s being dramatic, darling?” He asks in a genuinely curious tone and you almost want to smack yourself in the head. 

“Harrison,” you fib, mind scrambling for a scenario. “He’s watching the popcorn like a hawk.” 

“Oi!” He yells from the corner where the microwave is. “We can’t be having burnt popcorn under this roof, not on my watch.”

You give Tom the look, the kind that says see what I mean? and it only makes Tom laugh, which makes you happy because that’s the sound that dissolves any of your worries for the day. Well, except the one where you might accidentally burst and confess your undying affection for the guy. Other than that, it’s one of the few things that can really calm you down and let you relax. 

As Harrison dumps the popcorn into a bowl, Tom comes to sit next to you and your feet naturally pick themselves up to give him his space. He then pushes them back down so you can spread your legs over his to create a perpendicular model, and you try to ignore how the motion makes your heart flutter or how just his hands on your legs send heat surging through your system. It’s not fair -- no person should have such an effect over another human being. Can this be illegal? Can this not be allowed?

While thoughts are swirling in your brain, Tom can only think about how much he craves the moments like these, the ones where you’re comfortable enough to be in a position like this, the ones where you sometimes crash in his bed and he gets to see what your sleeping face is like. He prides in the fact that you seek him out on the rough days, that you see him as a source of comfort. Tom wants nothing more than to be that and more for you, just for you. It’s sappy, it’s gross, it’s cheesiest of all cheesiness, but he can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed by how enamored he is with you. 

Harrison had caught on long ago on how whipped he was. “Just tell her bruv,” he pushed one time when Tom had gotten a little tipsy in their dorm. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“She rejects me and never wants to see my face again,” Tom had immediately slurred back and his eyebrows had sagged into the saddest kicked-puppy look that Harrison had ever seen for the first time in a while. Of course, he rolled his eyes to let Tom know that he was being unreasonable. Clearly, you were just as smitten, but both of you were as blind as bats. 

With the apprehension that neither will accept the other, both you and Tom have learned to become content with whatever is happening now. But at the end of the day, when good nights have been said and lingering hugs given, you and he both can’t help but wish for just a little more time with each other.

Just, a little more.

[homme-brella]

aesthetic themed ask list

It’s friday night i’m by myself listening to music in my bed in the dark and i told all my friends to leave me alone but i don’t feel like journaling properly so i’m just going to do this as an exercise lol. Found this list in my drafts of my old account i made for my ex.. oh how times have changed since 2015. 

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? just now i guess?

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? who killed jonbenet ramsey???

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? i don’t feel like i’ve accomplished much - actually got stuck on this question during a job interview (i didnt get the job lol) probably... finding my current job and seeing an actual path for my future for once.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? telling my friends how much i love them saturday night.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? drop out of cpa, quit my job, travel the world and send cards back home to my friends to remember me by.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? no bucket list... i just wanna travel the world...

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. she reminds me that people aren’t perfect, that sometimes you shouldn’t be selfish, that there are more people who have opinions than i’d like.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? it didn’t get bad until jr high / high school i don’t think i can complain.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? sunday night.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. jessica. she loves the stars as much as i love her.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? no i can barely do that with my friends.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? i guess it was 5-6am when we talked. cass is a dear friend of mine. 

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d tell Ron “stand tall, stupid”

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? pretty.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. “i don’t have everything that i love, but i love everything that i have” - my dad said this a lot. i try to remember to love everything in my life, and put 100% of my energy into loving them.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? lmao i was looking through my archive i think it’d be “needs to be held, cries often”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? probably pay off every debt my entire family has, and then invest the rest and treat my family & friends nice.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? sometimes. I can be pretty petty sometimes, but I think it’s a defense mechanism. Sometimes i wish i could take the high road but sometimes they don’t deserve it lol.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. idk how to count a hundred words but “don’t stay with someone just because you’re loyal”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? pastel probably?

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. i like them in moderation! although my mama is strict )-:

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? no idk how to do makeup well and i’m also really lazy. thank god for permanent makeup.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. “She likes spring, I prefer winter” -Slchld. I think this song reminded me that it’s ok to have differences between you and your s/o. I think it made me an open minded person, and open to flaws and acceptance. I think it also got me through a time when I was losing myself and it reminded me that it’s ok to be different and like what you like, as long as you know what you like, you know?

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. Love is love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Us the Duo  - went with my ex when we were about to break up. gave me hope that we could work things out because they sang our song and we held each other but it didn’t end up working out. i still have a bad habit of attaching people to music

Daniel Caesar - went with my best friend, we found a spot near the side of the stage and interacted a lot with the drummer - he actually was the highlight of the night the way he enjoyed himself so much. It was freezing out but it was honestly such a warming sensation being in that venue.

HONNE - went with a group of friends, i actually introduced them all to HONNE, it was amazing singing those songs with them, it bonded us but also marked the end of our time together.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love a letter from my grandpa telling me everything that happened to him during the war.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? It’s not lol.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? brush teeth, hop in bed, scroll on phone for hours, sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? their daughter’s a hoe ToT 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? pink. idk i like pink.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? ron devon cass andrew mitch, we would get an RV and travel across the country for a month or two, making stops in random cities.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. i wish ron lives happily ever after with the girl he loves - because he deserves it

2. i wish to be successful in my career - so that i can afford to travel and see the world with the people that i love

3. i wish that the dreams my friends are manifesting come true - because i love my friends.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. i think i was pinocchio one year that was kinda cute.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? called my entire local committee and hysterically laughed and hyperventilated on video call lol.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? kill a person

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? wait that’s really hard lol ummmm maybe one song? maybe the different people i see can sing different songs for me.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. i think so! it’s when you think about them throughout the day - consider their feelings and what you could do for them. but idk i’m single as fuck lol.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i did rock really short hair lol

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? uuhh i don’t really drink starbucks but i like the seasonal drinks - pumpkin spice latte.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? peace.

fin.

[porchwood]

Okay, here goes. The incredible @everlarkedalways created a GoFundMe to help me out through present circumstances, but before I share that link, I wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on. I feel awful accepting financial help, in part because I’ve been such a dry well for the past 18 months (I have nothing creative to give back/say “thank you” with) and also because so many of you have previously contributed monies to help me through other crisis points over the past five years (yes, it’s been that long and no, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better). But things are maybe the most desperate they’ve ever been and I really can’t say no to badly needed help.

Because I’m long-winded, I’m going to try to condense this into a simple chronological order. Things have been relentlessly bad since my car accident on December 26, 2013, but this is where the current run really started: 

December 2017: The day after Christmas, I went to the ER at 3am with excruciating chest and upper back pain, a bad experience all around (terrible staff, indifferent care). Their best guess was that I’d had an acid reflux attack, something I’d never had before (but have had since, alas :/).

January 2018: The ER bill saga began, and after loads of paperwork/headaches applying for any kind of aid/bill forgiveness, they put me on a payment plan for the $1,343 balance (and yes, that was "after” insurance - Marketplace policies are crap and all they did was “adjust” the total; nothing was covered). Meanwhile, I started taking Lucky to an acupuncturist over an hour’s drive away, desperate to find something to ease her severe separation anxiety (nonstop barking and howling when I was gone, which we have been struggling to treat, with varying degrees of success, for over two years). The sessions were very expensive (around $400 for one month - I had to put them on a credit card that I’m still chipping away at) and actually made her WORSE.

February 2018: The downstairs neighbors left a mildly threatening note about Lucky’s howling - the day before my birthday. In a ridiculous twist of luck, I managed to find a great sitter who only takes little dogs and was (and still is) able to watch Lucky for me as needed, but it cost me $25/day. (At most I would use her two days a week, but you can see how quickly that would add up.) At the same time, I also started administering CBD drops (suggested by our new vet) to Lucks when I had to leave her at home.

July 2018: After increasing the dosage multiple times, I finally started seeing improvement in Lucky’s behavior from a combination of the CBD drops and SAMe, which was huge (note the timespan), but these therapies cost about $100 month. I resolved to make it work somehow.

September 2018: I found out that my workplace had been bought out by an area salon and would be changing hands soon. Shortly thereafter the new owner sent us the employee handbook, which stated that we could not have another job in the same field (many massage therapists in this part of the country work at multiple places as there simply isn’t enough work to go around, especially in the off-season). The new owner was originally okay with me keeping my second job (on-call work at a yoga studio), and then I learned that that position was switching from a subcontractor to an outright rental (I would have to pay up front for the use of the room and possibly make none of it back while having to promote myself as a business), so for several reasons I decided I would leave that second job at the end of October and try to pick up more hours at my “main” job. One bright spot in all this: the downstairs neighbors moved out at the end of the month, but...

October 2018: ...the day after the neighbors moved out, the landlord informed my roommate (a THG fandom friend and content creator) that the owner of our building had sold the property and that we had 30 days to vacate. I can’t even begin to articulate how stressful, expensive, frightening, and exhausting that time was. By the end of October our only real option was a little house approximately 10 miles from town, and miraculously we got ourselves moved out there - to the tune of lots of $$$ and insane energy expenditure.

November 2018: Because I now lived about 20 mins from work and I have to come home at lunchtime to take Lucky out (and give her a booster of anxiety drops), I had to switch to split shifts. If you’ve ever worked split shifts, you will understand why this sucks (you’re never home, you’re always tired, and you never see or spend time with the people you live with). My new boss put me on the schedule for two additional days a week (I initially had just two days a week, period, hence the second job), which initially seemed very promising, but neither myself nor the rest of the staff realized that the new management had an either/or policy when it comes to pay. (This is messy and frustrating to explain, but in a nutshell: instead of getting paid commission for massages and hourly for the rest of your clocked-in time - laundry, desk help, etc - you get paid ONLY commission, i.e., nothing for all the extra things you do, unless the commission divided by hours amounts to less than minimum wage, in which case they pay you minimum wage for the week instead, including for your massage hours. Which is not cool but is, apparently, legal.) So I was driving about an hour a day (20 mins each way, twice, to the tune of about 300 miles/week) just to make minimum wage (we were entering the dead season for massage and I’m the perpetual “second string” therapist anyway, so some weeks I had just four clients in four days :/), which was exhausting and disheartening.

December 2018: Daylight glimmered: my sister (with whom I am extremely close and who I hadn’t seen in a year and a half) flew out to see me after Christmas. A coworker agreed to cover the whole week and a half of her visit for me, and I was a little nervous about taking the time off (unpaid, of course) at such a rotten financial time, but I hadn’t had a vacation of any kind since moving to Maine nor a weekend off since August of 2017. I resolved to be extra frugal during her visit and my work schedule was going to be almost full after she left, so I was pretty sure I could squeak through somehow.

I saw her off on her return trip, and that night I was carrying some dishes down from our living room when I took a very bad fall down the stairs. These are awful, steep “Maine stairs,” and in my fall my left leg shot out through the open side of the staircase and wedged the knee against the bookcase in the dining room below. When I tried to get up I realized that something was very wrong with my knee, and my roommate helped me to bed with ice, a brace, ibuprofen, etc. The following morning I went to the hospital and was directed to the same stupid ER (the last place I ever wanted to go again, but they don’t have urgent care out here and wouldn’t let me just see a GP, so I broke down and cried in admissions). The care I received was middling, if not as bad as on my previous visit, and the nurse-practitioner ordered no weight-bearing for three days, which meant losing the rest of that (desperately needed) work week, and advised following up with orthopedics the next week if the knee wasn’t better.

My wonderful roommate made all kinds of accommodations for my comfort for those three days, and I implemented all the extra therapies I could think of (turmeric, arnica, l-glutamine, Epsom salt soaks, etc). I asked my employers about the possibility of picking up non-massage hours (covering the desk, laundry, etc) but was given the impression that there was nothing for me to do till I could return to massage again. I went to the orthopedic doctor last Thursday and his diagnosis was an MCL (least concerning of the knee ligaments) sprain or tear. I was already strides ahead on his self-care recommendations (getting myself off the crutches, constantly wearing a good brace) and he was supposed to refer me for some PT, but I haven’t heard a peep on that front, and I’m not particularly concerned because, Lord knows, my insurance probably wouldn’t pay for that anyway. He estimated 4 weeks to full recovery but I’m determined to get back to work before that.

So, here’s where we’re at: I’m out of work at the worst time of year, and at the very least, I’ll lose 2.5 weeks of pay (on top of the planned week I took off, plus Christmas and New Year’s were unpaid holidays). Because we live in Maine where everyone has beastly heating fuel, even in a decently insulated house (as I believe this one to be), it costs us around $350 a month to keep the place at 58 degrees through the winter months. (Yes, 58 degrees. 60 if we’re splurging.)

My credit cards are maxed out from car repairs and copious Lucky expenses (including an emergency vet visit - she ended up being fine but it was one of those things that happens after hours/over a weekend and you really shouldn’t wait several days to have checked out).

Oh, and just for fun, our January rent payment got lost in the mail. The landlord was very nice about it and we promptly sent out a replacement, but this meant paying $35 for a stop-payment on the missing check (did I mention that I had to buy checks, to the tune of almost $30, just for paying rent?).

Those of you who have already donated: you are quite literally keeping me going right now. You covered Lucky’s rabies booster yesterday and refills of her food and supplements (all of which, naturally, were running out at the same time), and Lucky is absolutely the reason I’m still alive, so her care honestly means more to me than my own.

I have no idea what my medical bills will look like at this point. I’m assuming the ER visit will be around $1000, and I’m sure the orthopedic visit will be up there somewhere too. As soon as bills start coming in I’ll apply for aid (or, likelier than not, a payment plan), but in order to do that they’re going to want my new tax returns, which means I’m going to have to get my taxes done (probably in Feb) just to find out what my ultimate medical expenses will be. (I used to do my own taxes cheaply through TaxAct, but I was a subcontractor for part of the year, which complicates things and means having to pay someone $$$ to do them this round. I may actually owe on my taxes this year, which is terrifying.)

The healing has been going well overall and I’m hoping to be able to go back to work next week, but I don’t want to assume my knee will oblige. To add insult to injury, I just got hammered with a terrible cold (the kind that levels you in bed), so my body is triaging itself and I’m not sure which is going to get the care first. Surprisingly enough, Lucky’s being a great little nurse, but recovery is a difficult and very lonely process, especially when you get saddled with illness on top of injury.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I’ve been reluctant to talk about the miserable past year, but in light of the fact that I’m receiving (and, I guess, asking for :/ ) help, I thought you should know what’s been going on. Thanks for listening and blessings on your day. <3

[borderline-rat]

I'm tired to hear your voice whispering my name at the back of my head and to turn around to make sure you're not there, I don't want to be back to this night where I listened to the rain with you on the phone and you moaned my name because you missed me. At this time I thought I could make you mine, when I heard it, a bit muffled by the distance, "Kittyyy", you said, stressing on the last syllable in a soft sigh, and I could almost picture you laying down on your bed, in a golden light, with another rain than mine streaming on the window, eyes half-closed because you were thinking about me. I laughed a little because I felt so powerful in that single moment of you letting yourself go, I laughed and said "I'm here, love", even if I wasn't - not physically - with you. Who cared about that back then, even miles away I could feel your hands on the skin of my back, making me shiver and trying to pull you closer to me, always closer, never enough. And I know you could feel me too, my fangs sinking in your neck, always deeper, trying to make you bleed just to make you mine. At this very moment, if you had said "come over", I would have, and I didn't care if it was 3am and if you were 9 hours away from me, I would have walked to the train station, jumped on the first train or bus that would have taken me to you, and I would have say, "I'm here, love", once again, but this time, for real. After that moment - or was it before? I can't remember - there was this other time you called me, breathless and almost scared, as I was, on the other side, shaking and crying because of what just happened. Left eye, left hand, and the next second you were calling me to tell me "Kitty, what the fuck? I heard you! I heard you, you were there", and I was, indeed, for I know how to travel through anything and when I really want something I'll do everything I can to have it, no matter how many laws of the universe I have to break to get it, no matter how many gods and monsters I have to fight. I had you again, at this very moment, for a minute out of the time, you were mine, fully mine, because I showed you things you never saw, because I got you closer to me than you ever were to anyone else. And every night I spent with you after that were worse and worse because I slowly realized that no matter all the things I made you feel I would still not get 100% of you. I clawed your back and I felt your warm breath against my neck when I sang this song to you in the dark, never enough, all mine, you have to be, and you were, oh god you were, but in the end, you always left and I was alone in a bed with messy sheets smelling like you and the whole room was full of you only but you weren't there anymore.

So yes, I'm tired of your voice calling my name. I'm not yours anymore because you refused to be mine. Why would I keep belonging to you after you used me like the toy I accepted to be just for a smile and a neck kiss? Stop whispering behind me. The name Kitty is not yours anymore. It's mine and mine only. Others have moaned this name, in this life and the other, and they're all gone now, and of them all you've been the worst. Some of them I can forgive, some of them I can't forget, but you... Fuck off and choke on the pieces of me I've let go into you. Till the day I die you'll feel my cigarette smoke burn your throat and your mouth will taste like my mouth like the kisses you refused to give me, and all you're gonna be able to see is the colour of my nightmare eyes, and I'll be alone doing my thing and everytime I'll sink my fangs in someone else's skin, and trust me I will, you will feel it and wonder why you left a god.

[snowyseahorse]

All of them

why do you do this to me

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

Are We There Yet by Timeflies and Chase Rice

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

Where to find Better People

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Pulling myself out of my worst emotional/mental state like a year ago and evolving because of it (and I guess my grades too lol I have a 4.0 and I’m taking 4 AP tests monday-wednesday)

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Dancing in my room and Feeling Good

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

I’d tell the truth more and tell people I love them and take easy classes because What’s The Point and make out with more people (I haven’t made out with anyone in like 6 months I’m sad) and get my driver’s license and cry more

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

I don’t! I just want to be happy. Nothing else matters.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

Jeremy @diediedie000000000000000000000 is my closest friend right now and he’s fantastic. He has the most confusing eating habits and I don’t even try to understand them; he’ll eat like 3 servings worth of pastries and beef jerkey and sunflower seeds and 5 thin mints for breakfast. His metabolism is golden too, so he eats so much but has no body weight or fat. His hair is black and long enough to run my fingers through, which always messes it up. (but he says he enjoys it so it’s all good) He likes the aesthetic when it’s wet and all over the place, but doesn’t like actually having wet hair. His skin is perfect too and he has cute little freckles below his eyes that make him look like a literal angel. He doesn’t like drawing attention to himself but is a sluT for attention from his friends, so when I randomly take pictures of him he looks so bashful and pleased and adorable and tries so hard not to smile. On FaceTime sometimes he’ll just straight-up ask for attention and I turn off my laptop and we both lay down on our beds and make noises at each other. It’s so hard to believe that he used to ignore me in the hallways because he’s shy. I’d pass him and call his name or touch his shoulders and he wouldn’t even make eye contact. He also lied and said that he doesn’t like cuddles, and now he’s one of the most physically affectionate people I’ve ever met. (he also said that he didn’t like to say “I love you” to his friends and guess what else changed) Even at school he’ll get really close and just touch my leg or my side. (our computer graphics 2 class probably all thinks we’re dating) He does this cute thing where if I pet his nose he like leans his head into my hand like a cat and my brain is just like oh my gosh protect this human. He has a lot of cute mannerisms too. When I’m on the call and he has to put his phone down he makes the same little face that he uses for literally every snapchat he sends, with his lips pressed together and his eyebrows raised. If he’s explaining something really intensely he will sometimes curve his fingers like he’s holding two tennis balls and tense up his entire body. He’s an enneagram 4, which basically means that he gets high off of being special, and we use it as a meme when we’re talking about him. Whenever I do something weird I ask him if it “satisfies his ennegram 4” and he replies that it does. He also likes doing things that make him feel closer to someone, I guess because it reaffirms his importance and reliance. Wearing no makeup or having messy hair or singing in front of him are things he really appreciates(I’ve done all three). I’m painting him as really soft and pure but he also can be quick to retaliate (”if someone starts something, you can be sure I’ll finish it”) or become defensive if he considers himself provoked. He doesn’t like having people dislike him though, and is really proud of not hating anyone or having any real enemies. His memory is terrible, especially at night, and honestly it’s a miracle if he remembers anything that happens past 9pm. Even his short term memory after dark is pitiful. There was one night where I tested him and told him to remember a song, and 10 minutes later when I asked he has no idea what I was talking about. I’d ask him to corroborate the story but there’s no chance that he remembers. The lack of memory makes him really doubtful of facts too. My favorite test is to ask “Jeremy, did I grow up in a fjord?” (I didn’t) and he usually starts with “no”, but if after he answers I don’t say anything, he always changes to “yes?” and prompts my “JeremY, this literally happens every time. You KNOW that I didn’t, and just because I stay silent doesn’t mean that you’re wrong.” Am I a bad person? He really just needs to be protected; I’m so worried that one day he’ll literally sell his soul or do drugs or blow all of his money and just think nothing of it. I would never trust Jeremy with finances. He’s an impulse buyer, and sometimes also gives people way too much money to eat spicy food or something else unpleasant; it drives me insane because I despisE spending money. Video games are another one of his vices. He’s amazing at every game he plays. It’s really just excessive at this point. Pokemon is his childhood and he destroys me on Pokemon Showdown constantly. (I’ve never played a proper pokemon game) He got me into PS, eating in my room, and RWBY, and I introduced him to Be More Chill and Heathers and Hamilton. He can sing really well, which is only further proof that he’s actually an angel. I feel like we have a pretty good balance as friends. He tackles his emotions head-on while I avoid them at all costs. He like to be able to rely on other people and I only want to rely on myself. He only owns one pair of shoes (by choicE) and I love feeling pretty by wearing makeup and outfits I like. He keeps his family out of his social life and I tell mine everything. He’s a wonderful friend and I don’t deserve him at all but I try my best to.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

Yes! My family is wonderful so I got lucky.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

I don’t know. I usually don’t. It was probably Jeremy though.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

Jeremy,,,,,, because he’s my closest friend.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

To an extent. It depends on who they are.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

I haven’t stayed up until 3am probably since I was dating my ex boyfriend, so him.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

Probably tell my mom that I love and appreciate her.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

They wonderful and u n i q u e

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“It is a dangerous thing to unbelieve something only because it frightens you“ - Cheshire Cat in the book “Heartless“ (I just really like it because it’s so consistent with truth and fighting against oneself)

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

I don’t know, maybe something about evolving and getting through thing and becoming better. Maybe “Better” because it also aligns with the OneRepublic song

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

I hate spending money, I’d probably just hold onto it forever

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

I used to be more so, but life isn’t as black and white as it used to be. 

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

Literally 12 year old me was doing fine. She doesn’t need a letter. 14 year old me maybe did.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I don’t think I’ll get any more piercing than the ones in my ears now because earrings irritate my ears and it just wouldn’t be worth it. I like the look of tattoos that are slightly darker than the skin, and are on the person’s hands or waist, but I probably won’t get any. I don’t know. People can do whatever they want with their bodies.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Foundation, eyeliner, mascara, concealer, some highlighter. I just like the look of it.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. 

I don’t know, but TOP is always a good choice for this. I made my Depression Castle in minecraft listening to them.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

I believe in you

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

The only one that made me feel anything was when I saw OneRepublic with my ex boyfriend. He started talking about depression and my hearT.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I’ve talked about the first person I was in love with, and I’d probably want the letter to be from her because we don’t talk that much now. We’re going to prom in the same group and she’s going to be so gorgeous and I’m going to gravitate to her like I always do and I don’t know. I just want to know that she doesn’t hate me.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

Yes! I’m sentimental as hec and so I have pieces of paper from my friends and small things and sticky notes all over the back. (actually I calligraphied “Riley” and “Katherine” onto sticky notes a while ago to put there because I don’t have anything physical to remind me of you two)

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

Call Jeremy, brush my teeth, floss, I’m probably already in pajamas, take my makeup off, unmake my bed, take my bra off, get into bed, say goodnight, sleeP

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

That I masturbate………. My mom was talking once about how I might not orgasm until I’m in my 20s and that’s ok, and I just kind of laughed. It would probably be fine if I told her but ya know

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

I just redyed it pink today!

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

Jeremy, Marissa(she doesn’t have a tumblr), @parksandrecmeup, @sparklygemsuniverse, and @internet-pringle and honestly I’d go anywhere with them

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

Happiness (it’s what I always wish for at 11:11)

That my future will be wonderful

That the world will improve

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

When I was smol my mom sewed this thick piece of fabric together and we painted and stick feathers to a mask so that I could be Hedwig from Harry Potter. I was so warmmmmmm

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

Never been either because I’m boring

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

Kill someone

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

Song, because I can still go about my normal life and interact with society

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

Twice! The second time was better and softer. I was always smiling and happy, and texted him 24/7. My heart felt like it glowed.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

Nah. I like my hair

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Hot chocolate because I Avoid starbucks, and anyone can order for me tbh

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Myself *sunglasses emoji* (I’d say Jeremy but like he doesn’t need my help, my main goal is helping myself)

[dazzling-ji]

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund? 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed. 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk. 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent. 

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions. 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.

[bentchcreates]

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli 

#YAWeeks over but my latest read is this! LOL. I’m actually *cheating* because I technically started this last month in an attempt to knock me out of the reading slump but it took a while for me to warm up to this.

Now, maybe it’s because of my moods™ that’s why I found the start slow and I was annoyed that there were too many characters, but oh my god, when I got past 9% of it and got back to it (at 3am today, true story), it was a breeze!

I loved Simon’s POV. I’m usually iffy with first-person-present, but when the pace picked up, I couldn’t put it down. Simon is funny and insightful and well, all too normal, which is both refreshing and a relief. I haven’t read YA contemporary in a while and this reminded me of why I liked it so much in the past.

I loved the idea of the emails, the epistolary parts of the book bore amazing depth to “Blue” and “Jacques”, and the added mystery subplot of the whole thing was super enjoyable. I kind of knew who Blue was before the clues were obvious, but maybe that’s just because I’m a lot older than the target demographic. It didn’t take away the satisfaction for the final reveal, though, and actually, when Blue finally showed up as his true self, I was left grinning uncontrollably at a medical clinic’s waiting area this morning. Heehee!

I also liked how this book dealt with the heavier themes. The coming out parts, the whole trouble with Martin, and then Leah, and then Abby towards the end. I liked how a well-meaning and well-loved character like Simon could mess up the way he did - hurt his friends without really meaning to, esp. Leah! Argh! - and still come out of it changed, but fine, without compromising any of the characterization. People who made mistakes had to ask for forgiveness, and people who got hurt had to reconcile that things like that had to happen because that’s the truth of life. Everything changes.

I have so many things I liked about this book and i could talk about it all night!!! I can’t wait to go and finally see the movie. But I’ll wait for a couple of weeks before I do, I think. Everything’s so fresh right now and I don’t want to be disappointed when the movie changes all the parts I love about it. LOL

*my Kindle copy of this was a special birthday gift and huhu, I am so much more grateful for this now! <3

4.5 of 5 Stars. 

Blurb:

Sixteen-year-old and not-so-openly gay Simon Spier prefers to save his drama for the school musical. But when an email falls into the wrong hands, his secret is at risk of being thrust into the spotlight. Now Simon is actually being blackmailed: if he doesn’t play wingman for class clown Martin, his sexual identity will become everyone’s business. Worse, the privacy of Blue, the pen name of the boy he’s been emailing, will be compromised. With some messy dynamics emerging in his once tight-knit group of friends, and his email correspondence with Blue growing more flirtatious every day, Simon’s junior year has suddenly gotten all kinds of complicated. Now, change-averse Simon has to find a way to step out of his comfort zone before he’s pushed out—without alienating his friends, compromising himself, or fumbling a shot at happiness with the most confusing, adorable guy he’s never met.

Buy Links: 

Print book is available in most bookstores internationally.

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0062348671

Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/simon-vs-the-homo-sapiens-agenda-becky-albertalli/1119908802;jsessionid=2F817EE2E237FDE04AF14128E932AC39.prodny_store01-atgap10?ean=9780062348678&st=AFF&2sid=Goodreads,%20Inc_2227948_NA&sourceId=AFFGoodreads,%20Inc#/ 

Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/audiobook/simon-vs-the-homo-sapiens-agenda-3

Audio book is available in leading sellers:

About the Author:

Becky Albertalli is the author of the acclaimed novels Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (film: Love, Simon), The Upside of Unrequited, and Leah on the Offbeat. She is also the co-author of What If It's Us with Adam Silvera. A former clinical psychologist who specialized in working with children and teens, Becky lives with her family in Atlanta. You can visit her online at www.beckyalbertalli.com.

[settle4half]

can you answer like.. all of those aesthetic questions??

(YOU KNOW ILY RIGHT - also under a read more for those who want to know me better i guess)

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

yesterday, bc the new bts album came out and i was humming anpanman ~

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

there’s no question of truthfulness that i want to know the answer of.

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

i was born on the same day/year as jungkook from bts. i’m still alive.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

wow, idk?? spending a chill afternoon with one of my best friend? supporting her??

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

i would drop out of university, get a loan from a bank and travel the rest of the year.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

visit another country this year, pass all my exams this session, get a job during summer.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

one of the most hard-working, talented and good people i know. literally the prettiest person, very understanding and loving and supportive. being around her literally puts my soul at ease. very funny, nerd-ish in the best way possible of the term, living too far-away from me, wish i could always hug her and kiss her puffy cheeks. she made me who i am today.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

not really, when i think back, it’s generally the bad thing that comes to mind; i was a very lonely child well into my teenage years, and my relation with my parents only recently became good enough to call myself pleased as well. it could have been WAY worse, so i’d say it was just okay.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

yesterday, of frustration.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

my friend (soul sister really) carmela whose @ i don’t know anymore bc i’m a mess on tumblr. she loves the stars, she knows the stars, and it’d be the most magical thing in the world to be there, watch the admiration on her face, hear her explain things to me.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

sure, i’m an open book.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

my best friends, idk, last time 3am caught us all together, maybe a couple of weeks ago.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

ugh idk, i have nothing to say to anyone.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

I LOVE THEM i have brown eyes and i love them bc it’s either starry-eyes or melted chocolate eyes AND BOTH are magical i love brown eyes so much.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“I have cried myself to the person I am today” bc it’s my own life journey, tbh.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

“Overcoming and accepting the wrongs of my self”

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

BTS CONCERT TICKETS !!! travel!!!

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

i feel like i am!!! i can get over so many things in the name of love (of all types)!!! and i hate it bc no one actually appreciates it!!!! fuck off!!!

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

you are so damn angry all the damn time and rightfully so. you’ll go through shit for a while still, but you’ll meet people so extraordinary that you’ll cry in a bus station because you feel too blessed and happy to be met with kindness. i miss your desperate determination and resolution. you will create so much out of it and i’m so proud you made it. i know it’s not easy, it never was. you’ll change so much, i can barely recognize myself in you anymore. you’ll learn so much more. hey, regrets are piling up. but go forward, i’m waiting.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

pastel at heart, punk at exterior.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

I’D LOVE THEM ALL. i want all the piercings, and tattoos are cool but i feel pressured to find some i really love b4 getting any. i’ll eventually get both tho!~

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

depends on my mood, my general go-to make-up consists of face-cream, eye-shadow and mascara, and maybe lipstick. i barely put any face make-up bc i’m lazy, but i’d love to look on fleek all the time.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

BTS saved my life, and i’m not just dramatic when i say this. they literally help me be a better version of myself every single day.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

“Don’t break your tenderness.”

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

basically summerwell 2016/2017, i looooved the years&years performance, they were my fav band at that moment, and i cried throughout all and i just?? it’s very emotional, the kind of energy that forms in a space where you know everyone loves the same thing as you do, wow!!

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

can i be a cheese ball? bts: we see you.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

i have!! cups (one for each type of beverage) some pen holders, tissues, and that’s kind of about it ~

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

read fanfiction for 3 hours until you fall asleep.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

don’t have such a thing.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

i’d like green at some point, but i’m quite pleased with a black bob at the moment ~

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

my 2 uni best friends, my other 2 best friends and before mentioned carmela. let’s see japan together!

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

i prefer to keep them secret until i can make them happen heheh, but you can figure them out from answers on some other questions here... oups.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

the bed-sheets ghost.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

uhm kissed someone?

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

kill someone, but tbh i’m so desperate for money that i’d step on any other of my principles.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

why is this question so radical omg!!! song: paradise from bts and person.... my best friend that i described (heheh sorry you got stuck with me)

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

yeah..... with park jimin from bts, this is SO LAME but like??? i literally smile like a fool when i see his selfies and i feel my heart grow 10 times in size when i hear his voice and i just want him happy forever.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

yeah sure, and i guess i tried it, but i don’t think short hair really fits me, not with my current body proportions.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

americano, it’s not that hard, anyone can work that one out.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

my friends and BTS.