#i made the executive decision that shes a young adult lol

[madebysimblr]

Shaun: Xavier! You said you were going to visit, but I didn't believe it! It's lovely to see you again!

Xavier: Sorry about that Shaunie. You remember my daughter, Sorella?

Shaun: Of course! Haven't seen you since you were a baby- oh honey, are you ok?

Sorella: Yeah, just a bad day.

Shaun: Well, there's no bad day that petting a dog can't help. Come meet Bandit. He should be out here.

Layla: [UGH] What is wrong with you people!? Do you not hear what I'm saying???

Shaun: Layla, this is-

Layla: MOTHER can you please talk some sense into these people. They don't understand 'allergic to lillies. It's like they're trying to kill me on my day.

Sorella sighs

[period-dramallama]

Becoming Elizabeth review: episode 3

Tw for grooming, csa. Just in case.

- Are her ladies watching her peeing?! The Tudors had some concept of privacy! Her ladies should not be watching, that’s weird. And why is Jane there? She’s not Katherine’s servant.

-Yes, the doctor would taste the pee, but I don’t think he would swallow it. Maybe he’s just a weird guy.

-”It is a death sentence” look yes some women died in childbirth in their mid to late 30s. It was more likely than dying in childbirth in your 20s BUT it was not a death sentence. Elizabeth Woodville, for example, successfully gave birth to a daughter (who lived to adulthood) in 1480, her 43rd year. Her mother did just the same in 1457. Catherine Parr’s death came as a shock. Elizabeth of York’s death came as a shock. 

-The doctor is incredibly rude, though. She’s the wife of the previous king! She’s your employer! You are not irreplaceable, douche nozzle!

-Tommy S’s jealousy... well done. Excellent line: “nobody else gets to play with you.” Speaks fuckign VOLUMES

-what IS the music in the dress cutting scene? Did they assign tracks randomly to scenes? WHY is the Tudor equivalent of elevator music playing?? This should be a suspenseful scene!

-What are Jane Grey and Kat Ashley doing here?? 

-Mary saying that Henry VIII ‘danced on a string’ for Katherine...did he?? Pretty sure he was the one with the power?? Nearly had her executed??

-For a guy in his 60s, Stephen Gardiner sure looks young

-Katherine Parr calling Anne the great whore... c’mon. And Katherine Howard a silly girl. That was an unnecessarily cruel thing to say to a girl who loved both those women. And Katherine surely didn’t believe Anne was actually guilty, IMHO.

-”I notice wisdom is not on that list” Sir Pedro i love u

-the utter hypocrisy of Tommy S saying Elizabeth has made a fine mess... what has Tommy S ever done except make mess after mess?

-Nice that they emphasise Elizabeth’s desire to be treated as an adult

- Kat calling Elizabeth ‘my birthday girl’ :’)

-Elizabeth wearing the B should have happened earlier, it’s the decision of a 13 year old who thinks “well my father has died so nobody will care about that anymore” not a 15 year old.

-To quote Lindybeige, FIRE ARROWS! 

-BUT i do love edward’s participation in Elizabeth’s surprise, lil boi must have been so excited to take part :’)

-Tommy S standing in front of burning river... foreshadowing that he’s going to hell lol

-Are they playing Snap?

-I almost wonder if Anya writes these party scenes so the production designers have an excuse to go wild

-not that I’m complaining, love me some revels

-Elizabeth Queen of Trolling

-I’m getting flashbacks to the song in The Other Boleyn Girl

-the secondhand embarassment, I cannot even. KILL ME.

-Edward turns into Simon Cowell

-Elizabeth and Jane getting

-Edward tearing Ed a new one YES YES YES

-Elizabeth’s pain :’(

-Jessica Raine is KILLING it this episode but please give her a better storyline

-Their last scene should have been in private, don’t say those things in front of servants!

-PLEASE Katherine show Elizabeth some affection before she leaves PLEEEEEASE

-I am weak. I am weak.

-LMAO Spanish Princess started autoplaying after the episode finished NO THAT IS NOT WHAT I NEED

[idontwanttowhy]

Review: Holiday Love ホリデイラブ (2018)

A frustrating Fatal-Attraction-esque jdrama

Synopsis

Takamori Azu (Riisa Naka) has been leading a seemingly perfect life with her husband, Takamori Junpei (Takashi Tsukamoto) and their daughter Nanaka. However, her world crumbles when she is told that Junpei has been cheating on her with a part-time co-worker, Izutsu Rina (Matsumoto Marika)--by Rina's husband, Izutsu Wataru (Nakamura Tomoya) no less. To make matters worse, she discovers that Rina won't let go of Junpei and is doing everything in her power to destroy their relationship. A rollercoaster of betrayal, mistakes, and obsession ensues.

AC Overall: 8/10, be prepared to be mad

So this drama is about people being unfaithful in their marriages and the tolls that takes on themselves, their relationships, and their families--and ultimately how they dealt with it all. I was very frustrated throughout the drama, partially because of the cheating and partially because of how everything panned out. But what kept me watching was the mistress, Rina's, plans to be with Junpei, despite both his wife's efforts and her husband's efforts to separate them. Be prepared for Fatal Attraction-level obsession. Matsumoto Marika did a great job playing the obsessed, unstable mistress. Give it a watch for the mess of it all, from will-they-won't-they get back together drama and possible revenge cheating, to unhealthy obsessions and extreme ~moves~ because of it. Some of it was predictable, but the execution was creative at times. And it's pretty short, good for a binge.

AC Review (Spoilers, and very long)

Ngl, this drama had me Fuh-RUS-TRA-TED practically the whole time. Bc I 1) could not understand Junpei for cheating and 2) tbh still don't understand how and why Junpei had two women who wanted to be with him. But I digress. Actually no, this whole review is going to be a digression. First ep we see Junpei fucking some other woman and they talking about "I wish I had married you" and love and blah blah blah. Which makes it decidedly not an "I fucked up and my dick slipped" situation. Not that the latter is better bc they're both shit. Idk if it's better if someone "slips up" because of a lack of control, or a strong love towards someone else. Jury's still out. But Junpei whispered sweet-apparently-nothings into this woman's ear for a YEAR, and dead acted like nothing was going on at home. And then had Rina assed out in front of his wife and her husband talking about "I didn't say all that" like suuure want receipts? So ultimately everything was his damn fault. Anyway. My girl Azu, blessherheart, was completely blindsided when Rina's (very attractive though also very abusive but very attractive and why would you want Junpei over him but yeah he's abusive so I get it but if he wasn't then...) husband showed up with a beat-up Junpei talking 'bout "he's fucking my wife, what are we going to do?". And poor Nanaka! The children in both marriages suffered the most bc they really were just innocent bystanders who got caught up in the bull and will probably have some trauma because of it. Like Nanaka was such a happy spirit but got depressed when she lost all her friends! My heart really went out to her.

Anyway anyway. So my girl Azu did the right thing at first--had Junpei's ass sleeping in the car and everything, which I loved, and was determined to divorce him. But then she got tricked into (almost) sleeping with a Japanese Micheal Cera (simultaneously old- and young-looking somehow) by a client-like gurl. I was proud that she stopped it (and he didn't continue without consent) but like, her sister and best friend's response was like "how could you (almost) fuck a stranger" and I'm sitting here like "she was drunk? he was blackmailed into this? she thought she knew him at least a little? and she realized she didn't want to and didn't actually have sex with him? and where was this energy when they found out about Junpei??". And then the best friend proceeded to give shit advice, talking about "don't tell Junpei, it'll ruin his ego" when realistically, she shoulda just told him the minute she decided she wanted to be with him still (which I'll discuss later) bc they were split up at the time, and he did (arguably, though maybe not, still depends on the person's pov) worse. But no, he found out through the mistress (of course!) and thus put Azu in purgatory. Her flip in the decision to be with him again was because he had always been there...which I get (prob bc of my scorpio sun) but ughhh I wish she hadn't welcomed him back so easily. Like yeah, say you still want to be with him, sure, but make him sweat at least a little more? Make him beg? act different? idk. She made him feel too comfortable too quick, which made him feel more entitled to being upset about her and JMichael Cera talking about "I know I shouldn't be mad, kedo..." and making my girl Azu sad, which leads me to...

THE MISTRESS. with her baby voice. wtf. And Junpei couldn't keep his dick in his pants even after all the shit. I mean, they didn't fuck but dude was acting sus again around her, which was just more fodder for her in the end. (His only other female co-worker watching and knowing everything was me the whole time. Like, you dumb, dumb man). He was waaay too nice after all the shit, letting her into his dorm and letting her do him favors so he felt guilty and letting her try to talk him into leaving his wife. I was sooo mad that after all the mess, Junpei still didn't grow any balls to say to her, point-blank, "I'm not leaving my wife, please leave" until way too late for me. And she really, and i mean REALLY, went out of her way to get Azu to cheat and molded him like putty. I had no faith in Junpei. Throughout the whole thing. Dude is spineless. And...so was Wataru, but in the macho-man kind of way. Controlling to hide his insecurities. Violent for no reason (did we need the r. scene? fuck) But in the end, he was the one that caved the least when it came to the cheating, trying to figure out what happened, and taking concrete steps rather than the wishy-washy moves Azu and Junpei were making. And then he grew as a father after kicking Rina out, because then he spent time with the kids (after his mom said she had a life lol) and they ultimately chose him in Tokyo which was super interesting and redeeming...wait wait wait but he was still very abusive and there is no excuse for that. I really had to stop myself--whenever he wasn't yelling at grown ass adults and breaking shit--from thinking that he was a good person. The struggle. But this man really said everyone's dumb, and I low-key agree. I could understand him the most (though it doesn't excuse anything, ik ik). But I would've changed the locks too.

We gotta talk about the best friend too. I watched on viki with the comments, so throughout the show people were like "oh they should be together" and shit, which had me kinda tight because I really appreciate when shows allow for platonic friendship between a cishet- man and woman? Esp without one professing their ever-present love to the other. Dude gave shit advice but ultimately was the only one thinking straight and suspecting Rina was behind it all. And then actually doing the groundwork to prove it. And he sent her new clients when the news of the affair broke and everything. And and he had Nanaka's approval. Honestly there wasn't anything to dislike (except the shit advice...).

The ending tho, was the kicker. Homegirl put on a whole play for the company and really sought to end his life. I expected something, bc how could someone as obsessed as she was just back off? (and he deserved it bc Junpei didn't sacrifice enough for me, got around everyone knowing about his affair but had his wife's business out on the street, didn't have to lose his job like he was supposed to, etc...) but I didn't expect a performance. The flair. A1.

This show didn't necessarily have me gasping (except for that scene)--more like "wow I saw that coming but wow they really did that". Good stuff. And I learned that in Japan if a spouse cheats or otherwise does something that's cause for divorce, they have to pay a compensation fee! Wild.

If you made it to the end of this rant, I appreciate you ;

[themesozoicsperm]

Another 5 underrated Halloweeny cartoons

Last year I make post like this about 5 very obscure spooky cartoons that needed more love. This time Im gonna talk about some cartoons that are quite known but could also be more popular. As I said last year, if like me, you wanna watch every cartoon in existence, here are some 5 underrated cartoon series to watch in halloween.

1) The Real Ghostbusters

This one was actually one of the most popular things back in the day, and to this day you may find some remains of its once huge fandom lurking on the Internet, but the idea of this post is to make new people interested in it, specially young ones.

As you may know, most 80s cartoons were practically long commercials for selling toys and this was no exception, HOWEVER, the execution here was so great you easily forget it. Sure it was quite cheesy at times and the script got worst past the first couple seasons (this because some of the best writers quit after some pretty terrible and misogynist decisions the producers made), but trust me, the main reason to watch this is because it was WACKY as hell. Some scenes really catch you off guard, you don’t expect a lot of things to happen, either because the writers were master minds... or they just didn’t care and wrote the first thing that came to their minds.

And then, there is also the ghost designs. Just look at those things in the image above! What the hell are those supposed to be? the ghost of aliens? They dont look like death people at all! There are so many good ideas in this show that are incredibly inspiring, specially if you like to design creatures like me. And the animation for its time was pretty cool too!

I would also recomend the sequel show, Extreme Ghostbusters, which was a pretty good follow-up and also counts with wacky creatures designed by the amazing Fil Barlow!

2) Aaahh!!! Real Monsters

Another one that was pretty popular back in the day, basically Nickelodeon’s gold mine along Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. This one also had a lot of incredible monster designs so full of personality and an incredible voice cast that goes from Charlie Adler to Tim Curry himself. At least for me this show seriously did better work recreating “monsters as a kid would imagine” than Monsters Inc or Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.

The Gromble specially steals the show with its Dr. Frank-N-Furter-like personality, every single of his lines could be your seniour quote. Really so much thought in these creatures, making multiple gags about their appearances or abilities, rather than just being randomly designed monsters.

Is kinda sad that modern shows wouldn’t try an artstyle like this, specially because people nowadays would label it as “too ugly”.

3) Garakuta or Mr. Stain on Junk Alley

A pretty obscure one! Shall have probaly saved it for another list? Anyway, a lot of you may know Popee the Perfomer, a creepy cartoon by Ryuji Masuda that usually makes into “topz 10 mast disturbenz car2ns lol”, and it was indeed pretty unsettling. But before that one Mr Masuda make other interesting cgi projects that really deserve some recognition too.

One of those was Garakuta (also know as Mr Stain on Junk Alley), and used to air on Adult Swim (at least where I live >:( ). It consisted in short 10-minute episodes about a hobbo living an alley full of garbage as well as a lot of creepy crawlers. It may wasn’t really “halloweeny” or “spooky”, but at least half of the episodes revolved around scary stuff and creatures, but somehow always fnishing in a funny gag or almost ghilbi-like tear jerking ending. The uncanny 2000s cgi just adds to the creepy factor, aswell as being a silent show with no dialogue at all adds to the “classic fairy tale” feel.

I do actually consider this one an anime since is totally japanese ^^.

4) Making Fiends

Oh god! one of the saddest ones! And not because of the show itself but because of the story of its production. Basically, this one started as a series of internet shorts by Amy Winfrey on early 2000s, you know, the time for internet stuff like this (ie: Salad Fingers). Nickelodeon noticed it was kinda popular so decided to buy the rights to young and inexperienced Amy and make a full series. It sadly didn’t do well enough, and as is law on Nick: if its not a inmediate sucess... them cancel it and replace it for more crappy sitcoms or moar Spongebob. Poor Amy was left alone with no work and not being able to make more Making Fiends on Internet since the rights didn’t belonged to her anymore.

The premise is basically what the title or theme song tells you: a Mandy-like girl called Vendetta has a whole city scared under her control, she has the ability to make creatures that follow her orders and like to terrorize the citizens, but then another girl called Charlotte came, with a totally opposite personality to Vendetta she tries to be everybody’s friend, and of course, worlds collide! Unlike other shows of this kind, Charlotte doesn’t try to make Vendetta a “good” person, she is just being herself while Vendetta is also being herself, 2 different queens wanting to rule their world in 2 different ways.

At least the show kinda generated a little cult following with time!

5) Warau Salesman

I already talked about one anime here so lets talk about another! Literally meaning “The Laughing Salesman”, this show got a little more popular this year after some review on youtube came sometime ago. However, IT CAN BE MORE POPULAR RIGHT!???

As practically every other show on the list, this one is also episodic, which is kinda weird for an anime, isn’t it? It just doesn’t tell a continuous story, is more like... gotta quote that one review... The Twilight Zone, every episode we know about some random person who wants something in life, till sometime its complaints are heard by this humble gentleman called Moguro Fukuzou, who promises to solve all his/her problems free of charge!!! Just... do exactly what he says, really...

We really never know what’s the deal with this guy, the main attraction, the show itself, is he a demon? just a horrible person? what are his ambitions? is he actually evil or just like to do awful pranks?

This show actually actually got a decent remake recently! but didn’t do good since an anime that is not about school teenagers with superpowers is not profitable these days.

PS: this is one of those anime that I would actually consider “adult” since most of its episodes revolve the adult working life, alcoholism, money, taxes and how hard the life of the average japanese businessman is.

Let’s finish with a bonus of some specials mentions that also deserve a watch, may talk about some of these shows in the future!

Martin Mystery, The Drac Pac, Gravedale High, Mr Meaty (mostly gross and unsettling than spooky), Monster Farm, Toonsylvania, Hilda, Victor and Valentino, The Funky Phantom, Legend Quest, Creepy Crawlies (1987), Gegege no Kitaro and of course YOUR SUGGESTION HERE and the Moomins, yeah THE MOOMINS, because 1) is not really underrated, became pretty popular again this year after the new series premiered and 2) While most tumble talks about how the 90s show was pretty cute and how gay Snufka and Moo-man were and all that...

the show itself wasn’t always cute...

[kinetic-elaboration]

November 18: Thoughts on The 100 2x07

Okay, gonna try this again with another ep. Long Into the Abyss

The last time I was watching T100 I was back at the beginning of S2 so I could remind myself of some stuff for a fic so now I’m really out of sorts.

I remember watching this ep for the first time and thinking, ‘oh, I guess Keenan isn’t going to be important, then.’ The fucked-up-ness levels of this scene are supremely underrated. Much like how they experiment on Maya--they know no shame. Also I feel like the implication is that Keenan isn’t the first person they’ve killed in this way. Does no one.... miss them? Why was there no revolt from the populace on the grounds of ‘they’re experimenting on us’ if not on the grounds of ‘they’re experimenting on these random kids’?

That Keenan was felled by rain makes me think that the rain was....dun dun dun, acid the whole time.

“Civilian check-in will take place at 0900 hours. All civilians must be accounted for by your station supervisors.” I mean first there are only two stations lol but otherwise... collecting more data for the Ark AU.

“This is not our home, it’s theirs” is SUCH a retcon and I’m still angry about it.

It makes absolutely no sense that Abby is still in charge even though the duly elected Chancellor is back in the settlement. I mean I know they’re just making shit up now but they’re not even trying.

Jaha’s faith would be more compelling if it didn’t mean randomly abandoning big chunks of his people--not just Marcus and the 48 but every other station that may or may not be out there. I guess he still sees them as a whole not as individuals or even as sub-parts. (I’d say he’s being selfish but in fact he will sacrifice himself too.)

This would have been a good time to lean even more into the 100 as a distinct people all their own. Clarke (and co.) care about the 48 than anything else. But no one else does, really; they were already thrown away.

That was the worst speech Chancellor 1 and Chancellor 2 could have given because now it’s super obvious they are not on the same page.

“The Grounders are attacking because of me” is 100% true and you should say it. People in this fandom love to hate on fuckboy Finn but the actual main characters stuck behind him right up until the bitter end lol, let’s not forget that.

Also yes Clarke’s line is stupid (”The Grounders are attacking because that’s what they do”) but.... she’s not entirely wrong that the Grounders have historically targeted them for almost no reason, over and over, since day one. So yeah they’d probably be attacking anyway. Not five minutes ago Jaha was saying they were just trying to get ‘invaders’ off their land so....yeah no one knows.

Raven’s Gate!

The Mount Weather delinquents! I love them. I love their group dynamic. I love the bizarre way Jasper is sitting, and how much faith he has in Clarke, and Monty being the voice of pessimistic reason. I do not love Monty’s hair. That is an unfortunate cut.

WE’RE CRIMINALS RIGHT SO LET’S BE CRIMINALS.

Says the boy whose crime was being a stoner.

Like tbh now that I’ve looked at the whole season from afar, trying to make it make sense for fic writing purposes, I see that this whole ep’s story line probably mostly exists just to buy some time while actual progress is made outside the Mountain but... I still love it.

Give Ricky Whittle an Emmy lol.

S2 Clarke was such peak Clarke... she’s so smart. Figuring everything out all the time.

[All Grunting]

David Miller is the true and only MVP I said what I said.

Mount Weather population: 382. You know people can give bone marrow without dying. Perhaps you could stop being so greedy and impatient.

Octavia trying to be brave and strong while looking young and scared and small is Endearing.

Totally forgot Nyko was a healer.

Or an Angel of Death lol.

I’m just going to say it. Bellamy was turned on by Clarke electrocuting Nyko.

I’m not super crazy about the Finn and Lincoln comparisons given that Finn acted of his own free will and Lincoln was turned into a cannibal.

The only scenes that really matter are the MW ones as per usual.

“Ye of little faith.”

“That’s my boy.”

I love Miller’s little thief kit omg. And Monty the Stereotypical Hacker.

“And they said we wouldn’t amount to anything.” UNDERRATED LINE.

“Abby, you cannot seriously be taking seriously the thoughts of a teenage girl we previously agreed was completely expendable lol??”

I’d say ‘why do the Grounders need such a comically large force to wipe out a tiny little enclave of scared refugees’ but of course the last time they went up against an even tinier group of refugees they got roasted, toasted, and burned to a crisp so...fair enough.

“She was Anya’s second” as in that should matter because Clarke and Anya were such good friends....?

Jaha hates not being in power so bad. Like he’s this-close from saying ‘Abby stop playing and hand over the pin to a real adult.’ Like he truly thinks she’s just fucking around and he’s entitled to the final say because...habit I guess?

Another point to Finn: if they left they would NEVER come back for the MW kids lol. What an obvious lie. Does Jaha believe his own bs??

Also someone should have pointed out that the Grounders have literally never been good faith with them. Never. Like who says that if the Ark left the Alpha Station site that the Grounders wouldn’t pursue them and kill them anyway? The delinquents abandoned the dropship site and were followed and attacked. (Am I mis-remembering or was ‘leave or die’ the offer then too?) The Ark doesn’t know how much land “belongs” to Trikru (prob because none of it does lol). Like, Jaha’s confidence that Lexa wasn’t lying to him the whole time--like every other time she opens her mouth, because almost everything she says is in fact a lie--is wildly misplaced imho.

All of that said and I completely stand by it--he’s not wrong that he’s the real Chancellor and it is ridiculous that the actual elected Chancellor has to beg the rando who just happens to have the pin to do something. Like--he is right  on the procedure but wrong on the substance is what I’m saying.

And here another example of how only the person who controls the army has real power.

Remember when Abby and Clarke had a good relationship? And it was significant and moving? Anyway another answer to ‘why are you throwing everything away on this plan’ would be ‘because it’s not a shitty plan, you’re just not hearing it out,’ or alternately ‘because we need to deserve to live as I have already said back in the pilot and walking away from MW would be morally abhorrent.’

Netflix subtitles don’t know Miller’s name lol.

MW surveillance of Alpha Station.

Honestly as soon as the stuff with the Grounders moves to the fore I just zone out. Maybe it’s because the tension is gone when you know what happens or maybe it’s because I never really believed ADC but...eh. She has a cool glove though.

They really do hammer home the idea that the MM aren’t really “alive.” Someone bring back that ‘they’re the souls in the underworld’ meta stat.

“This is our world. We deserve this.” Imo this is the hubris of the descendant of American Executive Branch survivors, the belief that, because they were chosen to live for their importance to the whole concept of America, that they now deserve not just survival but a return to that which they themselves destroyed. (I know in this universe it was some rogue AI blah blah blah--it’s more interesting if it was a nuclear war in the traditional sense in my opinion.) Dante has the other side of the argument: We are the keepers of history. The responsibility, over the entitlement. And he recognizes that this legacy is already stained, perhaps irrevocably. Is it ridiculous that he drew his line in the sand? Did he even make that decision, about the Grounders, or did his father make it? Does he think it’s okay because the Grounders are ‘savages’? Because the MM can survive without the bone marrow but not without the blood?

I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what the concept is here with saving Lincoln. Like is this real science about overdoses or just like shit made up as they went along? The only thing I got was the heart thing with the electric shock but like...unclear on the rest... is it just waiting out the detox, I guess?

The dropship has a cute tiled floor. I never noticed that.

They didn’t lie! They were just being as dramatic as possible! Griffin women specialty.

I never shipped M/inty but that was a nice moment. Love those attempts to expand Miller’s character. Also completely forgot that what Miller found was the engineering schematics.

“It’s not complicated really. We just need to keep them alive long enough for the drug to leave their system.” Okay so I was basically right. Not sure how she came to that conclusion from the fight scene but w/e.

L just strikes me as like a young person pretending to be a leader rather than like an actual leader... I’m sorry. But that’s just my read.

Anyway here she is, bad faith as always--moving the goalposts again. “You can have your truce if I get one thing”--LADY YOU GOT YOUR ONE THING THE FUCKING REAPERS HELLO. You don’t get a second thing. I mean fuck really you’re already getting two things: the Reapers and an ally in taking down the Mountain. Now you want a third thing?? No. No more things.

“The one you call Finn”--see, honestly, fake. You’re from fucking Baltimore, no one talks like this or has ever talked like this in the history of human speech.

Anyway, that was intellectually exhausting. Missed seeing my girl Maya. And even more importantly, Raven. And Bellamy had so little to do. He looked damn fine though.

[shebuujie-blog]

The Fuck Is Karma?

I had no idea what karma was until I saw my dog get it

It made me question, how could something so innocent and controlled get hit by something called karma?

How could she be hurt by an idea that if you do bad it comes back to serve you the same dose?

Once I witnessed her get hit by something adults have feared as a spiritual entity, i knew once and for all that this thing called karma has much more to it than we think.

Now, as a human being, we have the option to speak, act and communicate amongst each other. We can choose the body language we use whilst doing anything. 

Humans have opposable thumbs and we also can do what we want. Make our own decisions and control our surroundings and environments. 

Animals don’t have the same freedoms and liberties as we do. Yet, we enjoy the company and fellowship even the love of animals. But we don't really give them the attention we should.

My puppy Shanel is what you would call a “Pit Bull”. She is not used for fighting or solely kept for protection. She is apart of the family like any other house kept animal ( pet ). I tend to pay attention to her a whole lot more because we discovered throughout her time with us that she is extremely intelligent and very caring. She learns quickly and she never gives up. 

I know that animals cannot plot or create an idea to do something bad KNOWING that it is bad.

It simply cannot happen. She would have to b trained at this and it would only be a reaction to a specific action or reaction by another person or object. That is the only thing I could imagine an animal doing to put Hatred behind an action unless raised in that fashion.

When I have the intention of doing something to harm another person, i get what you would call karma right? WRONG. 

I would only experience karma if I did something or someone did something to make a series of events happen at the right time. Now I am not saying coincidences are true, I am only pointing out that Karma as a n idea is up for challenging. 

I have kind of built my life up thinking that Karma is something i should be aware of. It isn't. Let me break it down to you.

Karma: What goes around comes around. Do good it comes back to you> Do bad it comes back to you. What ever you put out there will always come back to haunt you. 

True: Bad things happen to those who are good. Bad things happen to those who are bad

         Good things happen to those who are good. Good things happen to those who are bad.

False: There is a spirit flying around following people keeping track of what they do so that they can give them a dose of their own medicine for sport. 

True: If i drive over someone with my car and keep going the only CONSEQUENCE is jail time or fines in some states...lol

      If i drive over my car and SOMEONE SEES THE ENTIRE THING (OR A CAMERA WAS INVOLVED) AND CALLS AND REPORTS ME, I would than get this consequence RIGHT?

The difference between the first scenario and the second is consequence. If you do something wrong, your intention will not be the cause of your consequence, the actions you take or allow will control that. TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. We could discuss the timing of this as well. Lets dig deep.

Scene: A group of gang members are standing in front of someone's home being very loud and obnoxious. A white woman lives in this home. It is her choice to live in this neighborhood. She also happens to be racist. The gang members are ALL BROWN SKIN people. This happens often. She hates it. She calls the police and reports dangerous activities outside of her home. She doesn’t ask anyone anything or even bother to see why they were even standing there. She owns a gun. She also knows that the police will not come to her house fast enough. She decides to ask them to quiet down a bit or move up the block a bit. She didnt want any problems. They said ok sure and went on up the street. 

Everybody wins. She forgot she called the police. She decides to let them show up and explain that maybe a sign should be placed on the sidewalk or her home. Why not? 

On the other side of town; a young girl just so happens to have robbed a young couple with her older brother. Running home after a bust. Laughing and excited on adrenaline they head home as fast they can. They are both BROWN SKIN people. They live on the EXACT same block as The woman and the gang members. The women has just returned to her room to read after the noise has been silenced outside. She is also still a bit agitated at the fact it happens often. She is also contemplating moving or getting aggressive to assert herself. She chooses assertion, no one will run her out of her home! The two siblings are now almost home. Coming down the block they notice the gang members. They decide to talk to them and show them the stuff they got. Not knowing, they have just been asked to quiet down, they get loud and rambunctious again. They two children now head home after praises and lectures. They continue to be loud as they walk and the woman has just missed a part of her favorite show because of the noise the siblings are making. 

She gets her gun to threaten, not use against the loud people outside assuming that it is the gang members yet again. It isn’t. These kids just so happen to be stealing to feed their family. Mom is ill and dad passed away due to work related illness. They have been struggling for a while, so this was awesome. Money and jewelry! 

Yes. You think that no one should be doing anything bad to anyone else. It is not like that for everyone on this planet. Keep in mind we all have issues. No one issue is more than another.

The woman grabs for her gun and goes to the front door. She opens the door and sees the two siblings standing there loudly playing with each other. Coincidently dressed as the gang members. She points the gun and screams for them to leave now. They are frantic in haste and cannot understand whats happening. The brother is not armed but has a bag in his hands. The woman being racist assumes they are going to rub or shoot her first. She pulls the trigger as the sister tries to step between them and calm the situation. She drops to the floor. 

Sister needed her brother to help her execute the plan. Mommy is hungry and no one can work yet. Their too young. 

The siblings did indeed perform an unforgivable act. The victim also has performed acts of their own. The woman has also performed many acts in her life before this moment.

Not one of these people experienced karma. They only experienced time and consequence.

There is a consequence for every action you take and decision you make. Even making a choice at the wrong time can be your ending. The split second can change everything in your life. 

Karma is an idea. It is something we grew up to fear. The bible has many lessons inside of it. Yet, The only true god is YOU. You are the only one in charge of your life. You are the only one who can make things happen. Time is your only friend. Use it wisely. The future you grow towards will not be there unless you choose to.

Yes there are things we can not explain. Those can also be explained. The choices another person makes can and will affect you if it may. Do not call that Karma. Call it Real Life. 

My puppy only gets hurt because she isn’t paying attention. I tell her no. She doesn’t listen. She runs into a table leg. Now she is listening. That isnt Karma, that’s Real Life.

--SheBuujie

[onewomancitadel]

Recently christened Sweet Lovely Anonnie, wishing they could send links. There's a video, "ben solo but i need a hero is playing" that made me laugh and I thought I'd send it as a small contribution to your Reylo adventures. Just curious, but do you think that Kylo Ren's sacrifice for Rey was a good narrative decision? Would you rather have had him live instead of her? Or both, maybe?

Yes, hello once again Sweet Lovely Anonnie! I'm pretty sure you can send links (via a hyperlink) if you have a Tumblr account and send an ask through the dashboard view (new ask style).

Thank you for sharing that, that's very sweet of you, thank you for thinking of me. I have seen it before since I recall it was made shortly after TROS and posted to Twitter, it looks like there are reuploads of it on YouTube.

It does make me very happy. Wonderful song. I can't believe they never gave Ben Solo any lines.

Just curious, but do you think that Kylo Ren's sacrifice for Rey was a good narrative decision? Would you rather have had him live instead of her? Or both, maybe?

I need to set stage and scene:

ENT. The Force Awakens and REYLO which changed my life no exaggeration. ENT. The Last Jedi and REYLO which changed my life no exaggeration. ENT. The Rise of Skywalker and REYLO which changed my life no exaggeration in a terrible way. Lol. I've been recovering from the psychic emotional wound of the young villain's death-by-redemption and Rey's regression into childhood and I'm not fully there yet.

It was a terrible narrative decision because it was motivated by a) too evil to live, good enough to die and b) retreading the narrative steps of Return of the Jedi because they're derivative hacks trying to appease a loud minority of idiots. Here's an excerpt from something in my drafts about tracing narrative logic, even in bad stories:

This is another, 'I wrote out a long post but decided to truncate it' post, which is about the idea that sometimes a poorly executed story does have its own logic, it's just that that logic is inappropriate for the source material. On the other hand, trying to trace that logic isn't a tireless pursuit, and can actually teach you things about what the storytellers were thinking.

"Two that are one," to describe the Force dyad in The Rise of Skywalker isn't describing traditional symbolic marriage, or the potential of children: it's describing Ben giving up his life to save Rey, which has unfortunate implications for redemption (too evil to live, good enough to die), and for Rey's story (the belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead, but she's all alone and regressed to a child on a desert planet) - most damningly because Vader's paternal (familial) sacrifice is not the same as Ben's, which is romantic (and he's a young man). So in trying to emulate Return of the Jedi and hit the same emotional beats, they didn't appreciate the new context of the Sequel Trilogy.

So no, it was bad. To heal the wound of Anakin and Padme they needed to end up together. For Rey to find her belonging she deserved that narrative boon and to end the story as a fully grown adult. For Ben to realise his redemption proper (which was too late in the film itself) you don't just get to end it before it gets interesting. There were many, many ways they could've ended it so long as Ben Solo lived with Rey. They also erased Rey Nobody (anybody can be special!) and made her just... take on the Skywalker name because they're stupid. It's called marriage.

It's sort of ridiculous being exposed to this 'dyad' (two that are one!) who feel each other in the Force and Rey taking on his name and no one wanting to talk about what that really is: MARRIAGE. MARRIAGE. BABIES. CHILDREN. MARRIAGE. MAYBE NOT EVEN BABIES BY NECESSITY. MARRIAGE. COSMIC MARRIAGE. COSMIC HEALING. UNITY. MARRIAGE.

You can have the fun hijinks with the rest of the characters! The Reylo romance doesn't preclude that at all! Rey can be an independent character and have a romance! It's foregrounded in her character desires! Belonging! Home! Hope! Something to fight for that's her own thing, that's not just the heroic cause but something even greater than it!

Better writers than me have discussed this topic to death. The myth is dead in SW.

There never could have been an ending with Rey dead and Ben alive. The only other possible ending could have been them both dead together, like Romeo and Juliet (there is a Romeo and Juliet swell when Kylo Ren absconds with Rey in TFA, if I recall correctly),

but that is still completely inappropriate for something that is meant to end the trilogy of trilogies. George Lucas had three trilogies had mind and this was the one that was supposed to end Anakin Skywalker's Hero's Journey. It needs to be finished and healed and everything fixed. As TROS ended, this wasn't even true for the rest of the conflict, with the First Order alive and scattered... what boon was there? What happiness? It undid the Original Trilogy's. It undid Vader's beautiful sacrifice for his son.

It's a deep wound for me. My space wizards didn't have fat Jedi babies. I'm only mildly okay with it as of very recently, but I still cry looking at Ben Solo...

I mean, we did get Reylo canon. There was that.

That's the only victory. But it was very hard, for a long time, to think about redemption arcs or romance or my fandom presence in general, and building up that confidence has been hard - identifying where it went wrong has been hard. Lol

If you are interested in Reylo I did link some earlier seminal metas and writers and theories which have changed the way I relate to fandom and the way I analyse and feel about things, no joke. Great fandom. Wonderful ship.

So there's your answer from me lol. I'm not sure I covered it all, really. As much as TROS hurt, it did feel good to be right about TLJ, though - Reylo dynamic and a Force Bond. I'll carry that forever lol. Never had a feeling like watching TLJ and witnessing the first Force Bond scene, I howled.

Thanks for your ask and have a nice day! <3 Thanks for stopping by again! <3 <3 <3

[curetapwater]

I've made lots of decisions behind your back on my own for this AU, but this one specifically I feel as though I want your input:

Should Sonic propose?

My biggest gripe is that while I technically have them aged up a bit, probably 19 or 20 the both of them, it still feels. A little young.

Sonic in original source material is already pretty marriage-averse (we stan an aro-coded icon). I can however flip his idea of marriage on its head like "I thought that marriage would cement me in my place and I'd never have any freedom but our relationship has been an adventure and maybe marriage would be the start of a new adventure I'd love to embark on with you."

Marriage proposal cements that Amy will never reclaim Sonic as her partner therefore cementing her as a family disappointment, so it feels almost... necessary to push her to the edge...

But I don't feel like either of them would want a public proposal, much less a televised one, much less one in front of Amy, who they've both been avoiding for a long while. And I've already played the "finds out about major plot point through the news which sets off an event bigger event" card. I'd rather not be repetitive.

I'm going to ask more people, but your input is always incredibly appreciated.

Firstly, it honors me to no end that my input is so valued by you! I'm sure you know since you're asking others too, but of course these are just my thoughts and if you take them in a different direction than me I still have faith that you'll execute your own plans very well! Anyway, imo for the purposes of the narrative (especially Amy's arc), I do think it's important that Sonic and Shadow get engaged. A few thoughts:

The age is certainly jarring by our standards (I'm about to be 21 and I certainly am not ready for that kinda commitment lol), but I think considering the setting (assuming you're keeping the heavy fairy tale/Disney inspiration) I don't think marrying as a young adult is too shocking. Most Disney Princesses are roughly 15-19, and the majority of them marry or at least get engaged to their princes by the end of the movie (the implications there are ripe for discussion), so if D!Mobius is drawing from that source material like Auradon does, then I don't think them getting engaged at 20-ish will raise any eyebrows, especially since that doesn't necessarily mean they're getting married immediately. My parents married at like 21/22 if that means anything regarding my perspective on this.

I agree that canon Sonic would never marry, although I think you're right about how D!Sonic's perspective on it could be a little more open. The way I see it, a lot of Sonic's aversion to committed relationships is that he doesn't want to be slowed down by being tied to another person (valid), but Shadow is literally one of the only people who can keep up with him. I think that viewing their marriage as their next big adventure works really well! Especially since I assume D!Sonic probably lived a pretty quiet palace life before he met Shadow.

Yeah, publicized marriage proposals that aren't discussed prior rub me the wrong way, because that's a huge commitment to put someone on the spot like that with. I'm not sure how you'd go about portraying the proposal, maybe the actual proposal happens privately but their announcement is public? And because Amy is a princess (or however nobility works in this AU) she's a large public figure and just Has to be there to hear the announcement regardless of how anyone feels? Like, "oh the king is making a big announcement today, the noble Rose bloodline has to show up" idk

I imagine because this'll be prose it's no longer gonna be a musical (not that that's impossible to pull off) but I just wanna say that in the movie I love that in this scene they have a callback to Did I Mention because in D1 that was the scene where Audrey first felt betrayed.

But like I said, that's just my thoughts! I'm excited to see where you take this!

[elliothuntington]

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[dillydedalus]

what i read in february

check to find out if i defeated my nemesis thomas mann by reading the magic mountain or surrendered to his absolute rule over my unread books shelf

milkman, anna burns this is deeply divisive on the bookish internet apparently with fights over a) whether it’s brilliant or garbage, b) whether it’s difficult, c) whether literary difficulty is a moral issue (with both renouncers-of-milkman and defenders-of-milkman variously taking either side). here’s my lukewarm take: a) it’s good, b) it’s not that difficult but can be frustrating to read, c) it’s not a moral issue, like, obvi. anyway, y’all probably know what this is about (girl in belfast during the troubles finds herself stalked by dangerous paramilitary, gossip & violence abound). i found the decision not to use proper names, either for the characters (narrator is middle sister, other characters are ‘maybe-boyfriend’, ‘wee sisters’, ‘third brother-in-law’, etc) or the setting really interesting - it added both to the conversational feel, the paranoia in the community and the universality of themes like civil violence, paranoia, mistrust, sexual harrassment, pressure to conform etc. 4/5

paradise, a.l. kennedy (uni) idk man this is well-written and especially the writing about drunkenness & the depth of hannah’s addiction & misery (and joy, which kennedy does not avoid) is vivid, but i’m still p meh on it, and it was definitely too long for what it was doing. i’ll add more after the class where we’ll discuss it (update: the class was unfortunately a mess so I’m still ehhh about it) 2.5/5

die verängstigten, dima wannous (tr. from arabic) an english translation, the frightened ones, is coming out some time this year i think. this story is told thru two narratives, one by sulaima, a syrian woman with anxiety living in damascus, whose brother has been disappeared by the regime and whose lover nassim has fled the country, and one thru chapters of the unfinished novel nassim leaves behind for sulaima, narrated by a girl called salma, whose life story mirrors sulaima’s own. this is a very interesting set-up, and i think both the narrative structure and the combination of anxiety as a psychological illness and anxiety/paranoia as a social state caused by political repression & violence were really interesting, but sometimes the book felt a bit muddled and confusing to me. 3/5

der schlaf der gerechten, wolfgang hilbig (the sleep of the righteous) this is a collection of connected short stories set in a mining town in east germany - the first 4 stories follow the narrator figure (who’s not necessarily the same, but very similar throughout all stories) as a child and young adult, growing up in a town almost without men after world war 2, whereas the last 3 describe the narrator’s return to this town as an adult after reunification, struggling with his own and east germany’s past. i ADORED the first stories - they are insanely good, dark, atmospheric, beautifully written and so evocative of the materiality of this town, the ash, the coal, moulding fruit, gritty, grimy, ash coating everything (the blurb on the back says that your hands will come away from the pages stained with soot, and i feel that). the second set is good too, but it moves away from that sensual evocation which i loved so much. 4/5

the golden fool (tawny man #2), robin hobb y’all i really tried to read this one slowly, and it worked for four days but then i decided that i might as well read read the entire second half in one day so. anyway this is hard to talk about w/o spoiling a lot but robin hobb truly is the queen of character writing. loved the elliania plot, loved the coterie forming, loved the bingtown delegation, loved fitz and the fool having Feelings Drama (made me Big Sad tho - also fitz is my son & all but good god he can be a dumbass). i feel like this one’s mostly setting everything up for fool’s fate but it’s good. 4/5

the sixth extinction: an unnatural history, elizabeth kolbert engaging & accessible nonfiction book about extinction, including both past extinction events, the history of science about extinction and focusing on the current extinction event (with several example species, from frogs to rhinos) mostly caused by humans fucking everything up. 3/5

the course of the heart, m john harrison tbh i just didn’t get it.... maybe i’m not versed enough in gnosticism & weird esoteric shit. anyway, this is about three friends haunted by some spiritual ritual (lol) they held while at uni with a sinister guy called yaxley. you never find out what they actually did, but they construct a whole mythology about it that i uh. didn’t get. tbh i pretty much checked out halfway thru. 1.5/5

barracoon: the story of the last “black cargo”, zora neale hurston (audio) interesting & sad & really touching account of cudjo lewis, one of the last africans to be shipped to america as slaves, mainly made up of his own narrative, collected & put together by hurston. some interesting background info about how the book came to be as well. 3/5

how to survive a plague, david france in-depth account of the aids epidemic in the us, especially in new york, combining personal stories, insight into aids activism, scientific progress (and for most of the book, lack thereof) and staggering political neglect and failure. well-written, informative and well-explained but (obviously) very emotionally draining.  4/5

fool’s fate (the tawny man #3), robin hobb lmao i love emotionally dying about robin hobb books. anyway A LOT happens in this one & i was very emotional about most of it but most emotional about fitzchivalry farseer (idiot, son boy, changer) and the fool (beloved!) and my man burrich (lol say the words ‘heart of the pack’ & i’m already overwhelmed). anyway this was a very epic & hardcore emotional conclusion to this series & robin hobb may make me cry any time she wishes. 4/5, series rating 4.5/5

what it means when a man falls from the sky, lesley nneka arimah collection of short stories mostly set in nigeria and in the us. some of the stories are magical realist-y, some are more realist, but almost all are concerned with familial bonds and bondage, the complicated relationships between parents and children. the stories are well-executed and precisely told, but while i liked quite a few of the stories (esp. the title story) i just didn’t feel particularly strongly about most of them. 3/5

heimsuchung, jenny erpenbeck (visitation) another interesting take on 20th century german history from erpenbeck - this one is centred around a house by a lake in brandenburg & told thru the various people connected to the house over the years & decades, owners, visitors, neighbours, etc. it’s an interesting concept & well-executed & clever & erpenbeck can write but it kinda paled for me in comparison to her aller tage abend, which does a similar thing in very different way. 3/5

currently reading: look okay i have Not finished the magic mountain but i am still reading it so i still have a chance of defeating mann in single combat. i’m actually kinda liking it but it’s A Lot, so i’m taking it slow. also call me zebra which i am v v...... unsure about??

[havanaland]

My rambling, un-edited thoughts on Spiderman: Homecoming!

I LOVE Tom Holland's Spiderman. He's so charming and dorky and he's so much more believable and multi-dimensional as Spiderman than previous iterations were and I loved his character arc in the movie!

One thing that always resonated with me about Spiderman are the patriotic undertones of the movies. Wisecrack did an INGENIOUS philosophical analysis of the Spiderman movies and highlighted how the Spiderman movies were always direct reflections of American culture at that time. In short, Raimi's Spiderman depicted the new hope blossoming in immediate post-9/11 America. In both Spiderman 1 & 2, there are scenes of New Yorkers banding together to help Spiderman. Marc Webb's Spiderman focused less on Peter's economic hardships (as the 2008 crash was still too fresh a wound at the time) and instead, focused on Peter's technical genius, which reflected the skyrocketing technical advancements in both mainstream consumer products and entrepreneurship. (See both Moviebob's "Really That Good?: Spiderman 1 &2" and Wisecrack's "Philosophy of Spiderman" for a deeper look at this)

So when it came to Homecoming, I was viewing the movie through the same lens. This movie seemed to focus a lot more on the generational struggles, attitudes, and issues that are unique to, for lack of a better term, millennials and "Generation Z." Peter Parker is smart and dorky but that doesn't completely isolate him like the nerd tropes of the 80s and 90s. He longs to prove himself in this "internship" and even though he held up well in Civil War, no one trusts him to do the job right, his every effort is discredited, and he is largely ignored. However, he is not infallible and the movie did a great job avoiding the "Young and in Charge" trope where the child is smarter/wiser than the adult when he does make a mistake that ends up costing his Spiderman suit. I think it was a brilliant bit of writing that made his character arc really interesting. I admit, I totally teared up like . a dork when he was tearing up over losing the Stark internship. 😭😭😭😭

I also think another reason why I feel the "generational struggle" is a theme here is because it seemed like they were very deliberate about diversifying the supporting cast. Most of the time, big blockbuster films like these have 1 or 2 roles with a person of color in the ENTIRE MOVIE but I was really impressed that in several scenes in Homecoming, Peter Parker was often the only white kid on screen. Also, even "Michelle" made some comment about the Washington Monument being built by slaves .. and I have a hard time believe that line was not deliberate. I know people of color and especially black Americans have talked about these issues FOREVER and it's not some new thing but I DO think it's a uniquely millennial thing to be so mainstream when it comes to these convos. However, I am totally willing to admit that I could be living in my own little progressive web-fueled social justice bubble and maybe those convos aren't as commonplace outside my bubble. Anyways, I did think it was noteworthy. Very curious as to what other people thought about that aspect.

So I hit a bit of conundrum. Though it is VERY clear that the character development, writing, humor, and action are better than previous movies, I have to say I am still not sure if I love it more than the original Raimi movies. *dodges objects thrown at her*

I think that the Raimi movies are just so much more personally resonate and important to me. The first Spiderman was my foray into the superhero world and that movie is what made me fall in love with the genre. At the time, I also related to Tobey McGuire's Peter as I was really cringe-ingly awkward. Plus, I could SO relate to Peter's nerves around Mary Jane bc they made me think of the nervousness I would feel whenever I talked to a girl I liked.

One of the things I *LOVED* about Raimi's Spidey movies was the relationship bw Peter and MJ. People give me flack for that shit but man, I was SO into that couple back then. The little push and pulls in their relationship just put me on the edge of my seat as a teenaged girl and I just did not feel that same chemistry with MCU's Peter Parker and Liz. I did not dislike Liz ... I thought she was a cute character but .. there wasn't really any depth or connection between the characters in the movie. And I get it, romantic build-ups aren't really MCU's thing but man, that honestly was one of the things that really drew me to Spiderman in the first place. Cheesy, I know lol But I'm a hopeless romantic. And I don't believe that MCU can't do it -- I was totally hooked on the Tony and Pepper romantic arc in the Iron Man movies.

And ALSO cheesy: I really did love those scenes in Raimi's Spiderman flicks where the New Yorkers came together to help Spiderman. I can't put my finger on why those scenes elicited such a strong emotional response from me, but they did. lol

Those Spiderman movies were also personally important to me bc that was the *first* (and only?) time that my mom and I ever had intersecting interests in geekdom. My mom got way into it and for a good couple of years, I got to be a nerd with my mom. She never got into any other superheroes but I was always happy we had Spidey. 💖

Anyways, I really honestly loved the new Spiderman though. It's better in almost every way, and I think this Peter Parker is well-rounded and much more believable as a kid. I also respect the writing decisions too! They actually trusted the audience and didn't spoon feed us everything. One example that comes to mind is when Peter told his friend, "Don't tell her! After all Aunt May has been through?? I don't want this on top of all that!" I thought that was a masterful way at referencing Uncle Ben without spelling it out for the audience and still conveying the emotional weight of that event. UGH SO GOOD where tf do they find their writers lol

I was also shocked that they had the "best friend reveal" so early! That totally caught me by surprise. The part where Peter goes up to the door to get Liz and Vulture answers the door instead OMG 😱 I think I literally gasped. And I also clenched up during the car ride as he and Peter talked back and forth and you can see the realization creeping up on his face. Again, such GREAT writing and great acting too! The execution through the movie was amazing.

ALSO I LOVED THE SURPRISE HANNIBAL BURRESS AND DONALD GLOVER CAMEOS 😍😍😍😍They were nice surprises and I think I went "Whaaa~aaat!! <3" in the theatre.

And of course, I enjoyed that there were also clips from my favorite Chris sprinkled throughout the flick hehehehehe 😘

Anyways, definitely seeing it again! <3

[ranwing]

Kadam Fic: Just Breathe (10/?)

Title: Just Breathe Series: Season Four Remix Pairing(s), Characters(s): Kadam, Kurt Hummel, Adam Crawford, Burt Hummel, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Camen Tibideaux, Cassandra July, Blaine Anderson, Sam Evans, Adam’s Apples, Original Characters Rating: PG13 (Rating may change) Genre(s): canon divergence, major lol Klaine and Blaine. Parts: 10/?

Summary: Auditions mean new challenges for Kurt and those around him, forcing him to face both his past and his future.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine

On AO3

Rachel arrived at NYADA early on Monday morning for her scheduled meeting with Madam Tibideaux. It had been a stressful weekend and she was painfully aware that her behavior wasn’t her best. It had been painful to see Kurt leave on Saturday for his photo shoot and she hadn’t been a very good friend by hiding away, expressing little real interest in his show when she should have been cheering him on. He seemed to understand and didn’t press her, but she could see that it bothered him and the tension between them remained until he decided to spend the night at Adam’s place.

She hated that she couldn’t find it in herself to be happy for Kurt. He more than deserved his professional opportunity and she felt awful that all weekend she could only think about him starting preparations for his first big role while she was sitting at home and feeling sorry for herself. It felt so strange to have their situations reversed so profoundly.

Rachel knew that it was childish and more than a little embarrassing, but she was having a tremendous difficulty in accepting that she was the one not being the one doing well. She was supposed to be an adult but seeing Kurt get what she wanted, both a happy and solid relationship and a professional job in the near future while she was struggling was more difficult than she ever would have believed. Mostly because she never thought that she would be in this position. She felt very much in limbo and was more than a little ashamed to admit that she would rather their situations be reversed. Or at least that they were both happy and optimistic.

And she hated that she felt like this. Kurt was her friend and he seemed happier and more secure than she ever could remember. He more than deserved her support, if only for all of the support that he’d given her over the past few years. It was demoralizing that she couldn’t bring herself to feel unvarnished happiness for his success and could only dwell upon herself. She really was a terrible friend.

It was almost a relief when the school week started and she had something to distract herself with. Not that she was looking forward to this meeting but knew that she had no choice but to attend. Her teacher could be brutally harsh with her criticism and Rachel didn’t think she had the strength to handle that level of blunt judgment. If she was being totally honest with herself, she could own up to the fact that she had been falling short at school lately. She had devoted so much of her focus to the Funny Girl audition that school had admittedly fallen to a distant second in her considerations. Now she didn’t have Funny Girl and her position at NYADA was more tenuous than she wanted to acknowledge. Fixing this would not be easy and she wasn’t sure if it would be worth the effort.

When Madam Tibideaux’s secretary advised that the Dean was ready for her, Rachel took a steadying breath and tried to set her face into a calm expression. Kurt had warned her to expect a proper and thorough critique and to try to be more receptive than she usually was to criticism, but she knew that Madam Tibideaux would be using the opportunity to rip her apart. Her teacher had been far less Rachel’s supporter now than she had been when Rachel first arrived at NYADA.

When she stepped into the office, her teacher was seated at her desk signing a pile of documents in front of her. “Good morning, Ms. Berry. I’ll be with you in just a moment,” she proclaimed as she added her signature to one of the many sheets of paper awaiting her attention. “Please have a seat.”

Rachel sat in one of the office chairs facing her desk and waited patiently for the Dean to finish with what she was working on. The older woman picked up a stack that she had completed and called out for her secretary.

“Please make copies of these for their files and double-check them against the list before they go out,” she instructed. “I’ll finish the last of them after my meeting. They need to be in the mail by the end of the day today.”

“Of course,” the younger woman said agreeably as she took the paperwork away and closed the door behind her. “I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

Rachel watched her walk out. “Were those the acceptance letters?” she asked curiously.

“And the rejections,” Madam Tibideaux confirmed. “It certainly took me long enough to make my final decisions. Some of them weren’t easy. There are a lot of exceptionally talented young people who are going to be very disappointed. It’s one of the reasons that I insist on personally signing every letter myself.”

“You do?” Rachel tried to think back to her own letter, but didn’t remember very much of it beyond her excitement at seeing that against all expectations she made it in.

Madam Tibideaux nodded. “I might very well be deciding the careers of these applicants, and ending someone’s hopes. It’s a tremendous responsibility and the very least that I could do is take ownership of that responsibility with my own signature.”

That was not something that Rachel would have thought the Dean capable of being concerned over. She was normally so imperious, looking down upon the students as beneath her concern and quick with a cutting remark. Rachel wouldn’t have expected her to show so much caring to the hopes and dreams that she was very well crushing with those carefully worded rejection letters.

The Dean acknowledged her with an appreciative nod and then turned her attention to her student once they were alone. “Well, let’s get started,” she determined as she opened up the video file of Rachel’s showcase performance. “You certainly gave me a lot to think about with this performance.”

Rachel swallowed tightly, not sure if that was necessarily a good thing or not.

The video played for a few minutes and Rachel watched herself. It seemed like a pretty good performance from her perspective, but she knew that Madam Tibideaux would be looking for anything to be critical of.

“For the first half, your performance was more of less what I’ve come to expect from you the past few weeks,” the teacher said judgmentally. “Your chief strength has always been your technical soundness, and this was no exception. Your voice and enunciation were clear and straightforward. This was more or less what I expected of you from the fall semester.”

Well, that didn’t sound too bad, Rachel considered. “Thank you, Madam,” she said carefully.

Madam Tibideaux gave her a disapproving stare. “That wasn’t intended to be a compliment,” she said tersely. “We’re just a few weeks away from the end of the spring semester and I haven’t seen any significant growth in your performance ability since you sang at the Winter Showcase. While your technique was strong, the execution was rather pedestrian. And something of a disappointment to me.”

She sat back in her seat, picking up her pen and tapping it thoughtfully as she appraised the student sitting before her, a bemused expression on her normally impassive features.

“You still have the habit of remaining stationary during a performance. We gave you a full stage with a set to utilize and you pretty much remained rooted to the spot. I was hoping to see a more dynamic performance out of you at this point, but you always seem more focused on each note being perfect than actually considering all the other aspects of your performance.”

Madam Tibideaux glanced at the screen of her computer, watching another few seconds of the performance. “What I’m not seeing here is any real sign of growth from you. Not in several months. You’re no better a performer now than you were when you first came to NYADA, so it is a bit vexing that you seem to have lost interest in developing your talents any further than you already have.”

Rachel felt each word like a blow to the gut, her august teacher being brutally critical of the one thing that Rachel had thought was beyond criticism. “Madam Tibideaux, it’s not like that,” she insisted. “I do work at it and I was sure that my singing ability is growing.”

“Well, you’ll have to forgive me but I’m not seeing it,” the Dean insisted flatly, her mouth drawn into a firm line. “But let’s finish your appraisal, because it wasn’t totally without some value.”

That small statement that her teacher had found something positive to comment on gave Rachel a desperate hope that she wouldn’t be completely eviscerated.

Madam Tibideaux resumed the video. “Once we got past the first half of your performance became a bit more vibrant. Something rather interesting happened at this point.”

Rachel watched the video, trying to see what her teacher had noted. She shook her head in confusion. “I’m sorry, Madam. But I don’t…”

There was a quiet smile on the older woman’s face. “I’m curious to what you were thinking of at that instant, because that was the first flash of genuine emotion that I’ve seen in any of your vocal performances in weeks. You normally are so focused on technique that the emotional component of your songs comes across as affected and insincere. This though… this was different.

“Now granted, it’s obvious that you’re not playing Roxy Hart there,” Madam Tibideaux mused. “And it does highlight an inherent weakness in your performance style that I’ve pointed out before. Whenever you’re playing a role, you have difficulty in translating sincere emotion and use a lot of emoting tricks to try to cover up that fact. But here is where you get more sincere and more genuine that I’ve seen out of you in some time.”

She turned off the video and gave her student a piercing stare. “Something in that song hit a chord in you, and I’m rather curious what you were thinking about during your performance.”

Rachel felt her cheeks heating at the realization that she had been that transparent. She hadn’t expected her teacher to catch the connection that Rachel found in the material, nor had she expected it to come out so profoundly in her performance.

“I..,” she stammered, trying to get her thoughts in line. “It… I was thinking about my ex. Things ended badly between us and…” Her voice trailed off, embarrassed at how trite that sounded, even to her.

Madam Tibideaux made no comment about Rachel’s relationship woes, cocking her head thoughtfully. “Most artists use their personal experiences, good and bad, to lend emotional authenticity to their performances. It’s a skill that takes practice so that the character remains true while you use your own experiences to give the performance impact. Clearly that’s something that’s not in your wheelhouse since there is a very marked difference to where you were trying to play Roxy and when you were just yourself.

“But as I said, that part was probably the most genuine performance I’ve seen from you in some time. Which makes doing this evaluation very difficult,” she mused. “I get the sense that there was a certain lack of preparation, which would explain the unevenness of your performance. It did appear that you were winging it, so to speak, and got lost somewhere in the middle when it became more about whatever you were mentally working through and not the character. Am I correct about that?”

Rachel felt herself nodding, knowing that she couldn’t deny what her teacher was accusing her of. She knew that she hadn’t prepared as well as she should have because she had been so focused on her callback and it showed.

Madam Tibideaux’s stare became more piercing. “Do you want to explain why you felt that it wasn’t necessary prepare properly when you had this opportunity to represent your school?” she demanded, not bothering to temper the sharpness in her voice.

Rachel never liked being reprimanded, even when she knew that it was deserved, and she knew that her teacher would not find her answer a satisfactory excuse. “I had my callback audition to prepare for and it just ended up not having the time to really practice. I’m sorry… I know that’s not an excuse, but…”

“No, it’s not,” Madam Tibideaux agreed, not hiding her displeasure. “I have to admit that I’m very disappointed, Ms. Berry. But not entirely surprised. You’ve been distracted for some time and it’s been noticed that your focus has not been on school for some weeks now. And not just by me. That makes me ask some very hard questions about how invested you are in your education here.”

“Madam Tibideaux, I do want to be here,” Rachel protested. “You saw what I was willing to go through in order to get admitted.”

The older woman nodded. “Yes, you did express your desire in a most emphatic manner. Which is why seeing you slacking off like this is so disappointing. I would have expected you to be much more invested than you’ve shown of late.

“This performance highlights your greatest strength and your greatest weaknesses. As a singer you are an amazingly strong technician. And you are driven and ambitious. Those are both important qualities. But artistically you have a lot of serious deficits that I’m just not seeing improvement on. You have a difficult time with criticism and I’m not seeing you putting in any real effort to evolve as a performer. The Winter Showcase seems to be the high point of your development and it’s been a slow decline since.”

Madam TIbideaux considered the video a bit more, her mouth drawn into a perplexed frown. “From my perspective, it looks like you’ve lost interest at being here. You’re not looking to become a stronger performer because in your mind you apparently no longer need improvement. That’s become very evident in the way you’ve treated your education here. As the person who personally granted your admission, that is monumentally disappointing. Not just because you’re not taking advantage of what NYADA has to offer you but because you took a slot from someone else that might have been more invested in their education here.”

Rachel felt her eyes start to sting with the strain of holding back her tears. Madam Tibideaux’s censure came through loud and clear despite her carefully selected words. She thought that Rachel no longer deserved her spot at NYADA, and may not have deserved it from the start. She felt her stomach tighten painfully and it took every iota of control she could salvage to avoid running out of the office in tears.

“Madam Tibideaux, I assure you that I want to be here,” she insisted. “I need to be here.”

“Why?” her impassive teacher asked, fixing Rachel in her seat with her sharp stare. “Are you here because you want to be the best performer you can become or because you think that having NYADA on your CV will instantly launch your career?”

Rachel blinked back tears. Kurt had asked her that very same question and she had disregarded it at the time because she had been so certain that she would get Fanny. If she was totally honest with herself, NYADA only had renewed importance now that her dream role was out of her grasp.

“You are very much on the bubble,” Madam Tibideaux warned. “There are always a few students with each incoming class that don’t survive their first year, and I wouldn’t have thought you would be one in danger of washing out. But here we are.”

She appraised her student thoughtfully, tapping her pen as she considered her options carefully. “I’m not quite sure where to go with you, Ms. Berry,” she said with deliberation. “You really could go either way and I’m not certain if you warrant a further opportunity or investment on this institution’s part. It’s frustrating at how little it took to distract you from your studies and your lack of worth ethic makes me question your devotion to developing you craft.”

“Madam Tibideaux, I can assure you that I am hard working,” Rachel insisted, alarmed at the direction that their meeting had taken. “I’ve devoted my life to being the performer that I am. There is no one that will work harder…”

Her teacher’s frown didn’t soften in the least. “I’m sure you think you have,” she granted. “What I see from my observations of you is that you’ll work on things that already are easy for you or where you get quick acknowledgement. I’ve been advised by your dance teacher that you are on the verge of failing. You acting professor is hardly impressed with your work and you are at best a middling student in your technical classes. The one area where you did seem enthusiastic about your studies was your voice class and even there, you’ve been showing a lack of interest beyond having a place to show off what we already know you can do.

“Now, do you want to know what I think?” Madam Tibideaux asked. “I think that the instant that this part that you were seeking became even a remote option, you felt that NYADA had served its purpose.”

Rachel couldn’t argue with that, and it began to come clear that she was perilously in danger of being cut from NYADA.

“Madam TIbideaux…”

“If you had consulted your academic advisor, or even myself, we would have told you that you’re not nearly ready for a major professional role,” the Dean advised her firmly. “Being in a professional production isn’t just about showcasing yourself. It’s a tremendous responsibility, and you are in no way prepared to handle all that it entails either as a performer or a person. We want our students to succeed and we want to guide you properly so that you have the best opportunity for success. That can’t happen if you disregard teachers who try to correct you and insist that you know better when you clearly have no clue about how the business actually works.”

Rachel felt the tears start to leak from her eyes, and in her heart she knew that her teacher was obviously reaching the point where she was ready to cut her losses. “Madam Tibideaux, I know that I made a lot of mistakes but I know that I can live up to your expectations. Please, just give me that chance and I’ll show you that I can.”

Madam Tibideaux didn’t answer immediately, studying the younger woman seated before her and Rachel felt like she was on trial for her life. It was bad enough losing Fanny, but if they took NYADA away from her, she didn’t know how she would ever bounce back.

“Ms. Berry, this isn’t about my expectations,” Madam Tibideaux said firmly. “This is about your wanting to be more than you are now, however good you may think you are. This is about you opening yourself up to learning from what criticism you are given. Because if you can’t handle a teacher correcting you during a lesson, then how will you handle a director not liking how you are playing a part?”

Rachel just nodded, realizing that her teacher was right. “I know that now,” she said morosely. “I didn’t listen to what they told me that they wanted at the audition and I lost out on my chance. I just don’t know if I have it in me to take that kind of criticism.”

“Then you’re not going to stand a chance,” Madam Tibideaux warned flatly. She gave her student an appraising stare and Rachel felt herself all but squirming beneath her sharp gaze.

“Ms. Berry, this is a very difficult business you’re trying to get into,” she stated with a clear tone of rebuke in her voice. “You’re going to hear ‘no’ a lot more than anything else and unless you are able to learn from your criticisms and try to grow from them, you’ll never survive. Making it in this industry is as much about emotional fortitude as it is talent, and there are many, many exceptionally talented people who don’t survive because they couldn’t handle criticism or rejection. That’s something that you have to find in yourself.”

The Dean leaned back in her seat and took a glance at her notes. “I think that we can consider most of this semester more or less a wash. But you do have a few more weeks and your final critiques to show us that you’re indeed serious about continuing your studies here. “

“I am,” Rachel insisted. “I need to be here. That’s become very obvious.”

Madam Tibideaux studied her, as if trying to determine how sincere she was. “You’ll have my evaluation to work from. I think that you should take the rest of this semester to really think about your future, both here and in the greater theater world. Because it only gets harder after this.”

“I know Madam,” Rachel assured her, wiping at her eyes. “I will.”

She felt strangely hollow as she walked out of the Dean’s office, like everything that she had thought true about herself had been scooped out and tossed away. But she also felt lighter, as if the fears that had been weighing her down were suddenly lifted from her shoulders. She could never have imagined that such a brutal evaluation that called out all of her weaknesses and failings would leave her feeling better than she had in days. It felt like now that all had been stripped away, she could finally start moving forward.

But one this was clear to her. Madam Tibideaux was right in that she had a lot of thinking to do.

* * *

Santana was barely able to contain her excitement as she walked into the loft after her shift at the dinner. “Hey bitches,” she greeted, slamming the door behind her.

“Just one bitch,” Rachel corrected from the kitchen where she was slicing up some fruit and soy cheese for an afternoon snack.

“Where’s Hummel?” Santana asked, stealing a slice of apple from Rachel’s plate and popping it into her mouth.

“School right now,” Rachel answered, swatting Santana’s hand away when she reached for another piece of fruit. “And he’s spending the night over at Adam’s. He said something about a study session.”

Santana snorted in amusement. “The only thing that Hummel is going to be studying is Prince Harry’s abs.”

That was a distinct possibility, Rachel considered with an amused smile as she bit delicately into a slice of pear. And she wouldn’t blame him one bit as she had eyes and Kurt’s boyfriend was an exceedingly well put together man.

“Adam’s trying to keep Kurt distracted until he hears from his father,” Rachel explained. “He’s got his doctor’s appointment today and it’s kind of important, so naturally Kurt is worried.”

Santana nodded, her dark eyes softening at the reminder. “I’d forgotten it was this week,” she admitted. “Kurt hasn’t been talking about it much.”

Rachel shrugged, knowing full well that her friend’s tendency of keeping his worries to himself wasn’t a habit that he would ever totally overcome. “I’m glad that he went to Adam,” she stated insistently. “He’d just sit around here worrying, and there isn’t anything we’d be able to do to really comfort him. Adam will be able to get him focused on something else.”

“Probably his penis,” Santana noted wryly as she put her sore feet up on the table. She gave Rachel an appraising stare. “You seem to be in a better mood than I’ve seen lately.”

Rachel pursed her lips thoughtfully and considered her roommate’s observation before nodding. “I’m not sure if it’s better, but my head is a lot clearer,” she claimed. “I’ve got some serious thinking to do about a lot of things.”

Santana cocked her head curiously at the other girl’s admission. “I get that,” she granted. “And I’ve got some news that might cheer you up a little bit.

“You remember my late lunch regular? The one with the terminal comb over?” Santana asked.

Rachel’s eyes narrowed as she tried to remember the particular customer that Santana was referring to. “Is that the one that you said looked like an old avocado that someone dropped,” she questioned.

Santana nodded enthusiastically. “That’s him. Well, he was in today and after he’d ordered his usual and he asked me to sing something for him. The place was kind of empty and at first I thought he was just creeping on me, but when I was done he asked if I’d be interested in a job.”

“What kind of job?” Rachel asked.

“Apparently he’s the owner of that piano bar down by the subway,” Santana explained. “And he’s got an opening for a singer and offered me the spot.”

Rachel felt a momentary stab of jealousy at seeing another of her friends getting a professional opportunity that she wasn’t, but was able to tamp down her immediate instinct to complain about her recent disappointments and offer her friend the support she deserved.

“That’s really great, Santana,” she said earnestly, wanting to be happy for her friend. “You’ve got the perfect voice for torch songs and standards.”

“Wow… that sounded almost… sincere,” Santana said with mock astonishment.

Rachel couldn’t help from sighing, very aware that her friends had good reason to expect that her response to their opportunities would be less than totally supportive. “I mean it,” she insisted. “You’re an amazing singer and I think you’ll do really well with this.”

Santana looked genuinely surprised that Rachel was being honest. “Well, it’s just two nights a week so I’m not giving up my day job,” she explained. “On their slower nights. The pay kind of sucks, but I get a fifty/fifty split on the tips with the pianist. And if they like me, I might be able to get a better slot.”

“They’re going to love you,” Rachel said, giving her roommate a reassuring smile. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Well, that’s not the only good news,” Santana said teasingly. “They’re going to be looking for another singer this summer because one of their regulars is having a baby, and I suggested you for when she goes on maternity leave. I’ll just be for a few weeks, but it might turn into something a bit more permanent if they like you. He’s heard you sing before at the diner and it’s not a guarantee, but he’s open to considering you. Interested?”

Rachel looked at Santana in surprise. “He really wants me?” she asked, feeling that hurt spot in her heart left by Funny girl start to ease just a bit.

“I suggested you,” Santana said honestly. “Look, I know what you’re thinking and yeah… maybe I am throwing you a pity line because you’ve been positively depressing to be around. But it’s not a bad deal, and it’ll give you a place to perform in front of an audience. The only thing is that we’ll need some appropriate clothes and I’ll need your help to convince Twinkle Tush to raid the Vogue vault for us again.”

Rachel laughed brightly when it finally got through to her that Santana was being serious. “Santana, thank you,” she said sincerely, feeling her throat tightening a bit. “I don’t know what to say.”

Santana’s gaze was appraising but gentle as she looked to her friend. “I know that you’ve had a rough time of it,” she granted. “When this opportunity came up, I thought it would be good for all of us. I’d have also tried to get Kurt in if he didn’t already have something that’s going to keep him busy for the next few months.”

She gave Rachel a tentative smile. “This way we all get to do some performing for a real audience, and I won’t have to put up with you moping around like someone shot your overpriced, hypoallergenic dog.”

“Santana, that’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” Rachel insisted. “You didn’t have to. I mean, this is your opportunity. You earned it.”

Santana’s laugh was more like a harsh bark. “Oh yeah… I earned a chance to sing boring show tunes in a seedy piano bar during weeknight happy hours for a couple of drunks. What an accomplishment. I’m just inviting you along to suffer with me.”

Rachel knew that Santana would not get overly sentimental about her generosity and she was smart enough not to push her friend too hard on accepting her gratitude. Even if it didn’t work out in the end, the fact that Santana made the effort meant the world to her.

“And it’s great that you got a paying gig,” Rachel insisted. “It could lead to big things. I mean, Bette Midler got her start singing in bath houses. Who knows what this could lead to?”

Santana couldn’t help preening a bit at Rachel’s encouragement. “Well, it had better lead to me bringing more cash in. It’s time I really started paying my share.”

Rachel nodded, considering their absent roommate. “Especially if Kurt does what I’m expecting and moves in with Adam,” she said softly.

Santana didn’t respond immediately. “I was wondering if you had picked up on that,” she said carefully.

Rachel sighed and nodded. “He hasn’t said anything to me, but let’s be honest… it’s pretty obvious that it’s coming,” she explained.

“And how do you feel about that?” Santana asked, probing carefully.

Rachel paused to put the kettle on the stove, taking a moment to put her conflicted feelings into order before saying anything. “You know… back in Lima, whenever I thought about my future in New York, Kurt was always a big part of it. He’s my best friend and he’s supported me so much that I could never imagine trying to do this without him. When I first came here, I was miserable until he joined me.”

She looked up, her dark eyes shimmering. “I thought that Finn and Blaine would join us and we’d all be happy, building our futures here. But nothing turned out the way I expected,” she said with genuine regret. “Finn and I are over, and I don’t think we’ll ever see Kurt willingly in the same room with Blaine ever again.”

Santana nodded in agreement, waiting for Rachel to get to the point.

The smaller girl got out their mugs and found the box of green tea with ginger that Kurt always kept on hand for them. “The only thing that turned out the way I wanted was Kurt,” she admitted. “I’m terrified of losing him, and I know that I really depend on him. But I can see how happy he is with Adam and I don’t want to be the one standing in his way. He doesn’t deserve that.

“So when it happens, and I know that it will sooner rather than later, I’m going to do what a best friend is supposed to do,” Rachel stated resolutely. “I will cry a little bit, because I’m going to miss not having him around all the time, but I’ll be happy that he’s moving on with his life. I will help him pack and move and make sure he knows that I love him.”

She paused, one additional stipulation coming to mind. “And I will remind Adam that if he hurts Kurt, I will happily break his kneecaps,” she added.

Santana nodded in approval. “Well, I really hate to say it Berry, but you’ve really changed. And in a good way,” she claimed. “Because a few weeks ago, I thought for sure that you’d be barring the door to keep him from leaving.”

She wasn’t wrong, Rachel considered. A few weeks ago, she would have seen Kurt moving on with his life as betrayal and resented him for having a life that she would not be the absolute center of. Now she wanted to be happy for him and refused to be the one who caused him pain. He’d had enough of that from people who were supposed to love him.

“I know,” she granted, knowing that denying what Santana said would be pointless. “But the past few days have kind of cleared up how I was seeing things, and I’ve let a lot of things happen because I was too wrapped up in my own interests.”

Santana nodded in approval, giving Rachel a kind smile. “I have an idea,” she proposed. “You and I don’t hang out much together unless Hummel is around to play referee and I think we’re both entitled to a bit of fun.”

“What do you have in mind?” Rachel asked.

“I think that it’s overdue for us to play tourist in New York,” Santana stated. “I say we hop on the subway and see where we end up. There’s a whole lot of this city that we haven’t seen yet.”

Rachel’s expression brightened at the prospect. She had been so single minded about achieving her goal that she totally missed out on the fun of actually being in New York.

“I think that’s an absolutely fantastic idea,” she said happily. Before Santana could react, she pulled the other girl into a tight hug.

Santana blinked in surprise at Rachel’s exuberant response, which was a marked contrast to how dressed she’d been since her callback. Maybe they’d finally reached the turning point where things were starting to look up for everyone.

And the fact that she had been the one who brought that smile to Rachel’s face made Santana feel better than she ever wanted to admit to.

* * *

Adam watched his boyfriend, relieved that Kurt was able to find comfort at the center of their group of friends. He had managed to convince Kurt to go to school and try to focus on his classes rather than moping about his flat all day and for the most part, it worked out. Kurt was too dedicated a student to let his classes slide and once at his lessons, he was able to give them his attention. Kurt was still deeply worried about his father, but having something to distract him had done him a great deal of good.

He’d been with Kurt when he’d spoken with his father, and I couldn’t blame his young lover for being so anxious. Faced with the threat to his one living parent, Kurt had borne up exceedingly well but even he had his limits. Watching him trying to be brave when facing his worse fear had been heartbreaking.

He watched Kurt’s free hand squeeze tightly on itself and quickly reached out to take Kurt’s hand in his and offer what support he could. Kurt’s furtive glance to his boyfriend was grateful and Adam gave him a reassuring squeeze to provide what comfort his presence could.

“Dad, I can be on a plane tomorrow,” Kurt insisted, his voice taking on that wavering trill that betrayed nearly overwhelming tension. “No, I want to be there.”

He fell silent as he listened to his father and Adam saw his eyes began to glimmer from tears that threatened to fall. “Dad, it’s not a big deal. I know that Carole will be there, but…”

He paused and listened to his father and Adam was growing concerned. He knew that Burt’s treatment had been weighing heavily on Kurt’s mind, thought he rarely showed how worried he was. Fortunately school was demanding enough that Kurt couldn’t dwell on it all the time. And from what Adam knew, the elder Hummel did seem to be weathering everything as well as he possibly could. He was still dividing his time between his work in Washington D.C. and managing the shop back in Ohio. That would have been daunting for anyone, but adding the burden of his cancer treatment just made his fortitude even more admirable. It was obvious now where Kurt got his strength from.

Now that the initial course of treatment had been concluded, they were waiting on the results of his testing that would determine how effective it had been. All going well, he’d be in remission. But Adam knew that Kurt feared that the news would be bad and that this father would be facing additional treatment. That fear was only compounded by Kurt being in New York and not able to be with his father.

Adam could completely understand Kurt’s need to be with his family during this stressful time, but with the semester starting to wind down and upcoming finals and critiques, the timing was awful. Kurt couldn’t afford to miss classes, even for a few days. But how could he stay apart from his father at a time like this?

Kurt lowered the phone and looked to Adam, his eyes impossibly wide and young looking. “He wants to talk to you,” he said softly, barely holding back tears.

Adam nodded and accepted the phone, giving his hands another reassuring squeeze before letting Kurt try to regain his composure. “Sir?” he greeted carefully.

“Hey, I told you… it’s Burt,” Kurt’s father correctly with a warm chuckle. “Listen, Adam… I’m sure that Kurt told you that I’ve got my follow up with the oncologist this week to see how everything went.”

“Yes, he has. He very much wants to be with you when you get the results,” Adam affirmed carefully, not wanting to overstep his bounds.

“I know he does,” Burt sighed. “And I know that he really can’t. We knew that once he moved to New York that he wouldn’t be able to run back here for everything, but it’s okay. I’ll have Carol with me and Kurt being here isn’t going to change what the doctor tells me.”

Logically, Adam knew that Burt was right, but that was hard to accept when he saw the worry on Kurt’s face. “He still wants to be there,” Adam pointed out.

“I need you to do me a favor,” Burt requested. “I know it may not be possible, but try to keep Kurt distracted until my appointment. I’m going to call him as soon as I get the results. And I’m going to come to New York this weekend to spend some time with him. I just don’t want Kurt fretting until we know what’s happening.”

Adam sighed, knowing that an impossible task was being laid on his shoulders. “I’ll do my best, but you know Kurt,” he warned. “He’s going to worry no matter what I do.”

Burt chuckled ruefully and Adam could almost picture him running a hand through his hair in the same manner that Kurt did when frustrated. “I know he will, and I’m sorry for putting this on you. But it’ll be better for him to try to focus on his school work,” Burt explained. “I’m feeling great and Kurt needs to remember that it was caught real early so the odds are in my favor. I just don’t want Kurt to be in the dark about what’s going on.”

“I understand,” Adam said carefully, knowing that the older man was right. Kurt would not appreciate being shut out and finding out after the fact that his father was waiting on his test results, even if everything turned out well after the fact.

“Thanks, son,” Burt said gratefully. “I’ll call you both as soon as I’m done with the doctor.”

Adam handed the phone back to Kurt so that Burt could try to reassure his son. Kurt listened to his father, biting his lower lip as he listened to his father’s attempts to put his mind at ease and seemed to grudgingly accept that for once he couldn’t manage everything around him. After reluctantly wishing his father goodbye until they spoke after his appointment, he ended the call and let Adam pull him into a warm hug.

Admittedly, his efforts to keep Kurt distracted were not entirely successful. He’d tried to keep Kurt busy outside of class, going for runs in the morning and planning activities with their friends. It was obvious at times that Kurt’s mind was drifting and he wasn’t entirely there. Except for his class work, which Kurt would never allow himself to slack off on, he found it hard to focus and to not think about his father.

While the wait for Burt’s appointment had been agonizing, Kurt had weathered it with his customary fortitude. Adam smiled with pride as he watched his group work through their latest routine with Kurt fulfilling his role in the arrangement. The song was one of the most complex that the Apples had ever attempted and it gave Kurt something to concentrate on. Being amongst friends did seem to cheer his boyfriend up a bit and Adam felt some relief that Kurt was able to smile a bit.

When they broke for the day, Mei and Corrine gave their friend a warm embrace, apparently sensing that something was up. Adam knew that Kurt had not advertised his father’s medical concerns, but hopefully they would have good news to announce at their next session.

Once the rest of the group had cleared out, Adam came up to Kurt. “You sounded wonderful,” he complimented honestly. “Your range is really making figuring out these arrangements easier for me.”

Kurt gave him a smile. “I’m kind of like vocal Velcro. I stick no matter where you throw me.”

“Well, that’s going to come very handy when you are looking for work,” Adam advised him. “I’m starting to think that there’s nothing that you can’t sing.”

Kurt couldn’t help from chuckling a bit at the compliment. “Your bias is showing again,” he accused playfully.

Adam’s blue eyes crinkled as he grinned broadly. “When it comes to you, always,” he admitted. “You know I think the world of your talent and considering how well you performed under the circumstances, I think that I’m entitled to think highly of you.”

Kurt’s smile faded a trace at the reminder that all was not totally well in his world. “What time is it?” he couldn’t help from asking.

Adam checked his watch and gave his lover a reassuring smile. “It’s a little after four.”

“Dad should be at the doctor now,” Kurt mused, mentally trying to calculate how long the appointment was likely to run.

“He’s probably going to be there for a little bit,” Adam surmised. “We should have time to get back to my flat before he calls. And we can celebrate afterwards.”

Kurt looked to him, his eyes all but pleading for reassurance. “You really think he’s going to be okay?”

Adam’s expression softened and he reached out to cup Kurt’s face in his broad hand. “I do. I really do,” he insisted. “And if the news is less than good, we’ll handle it. Your dad is so strong and he’s not going t let something like this stop him.”

Kurt leaned into him, taking comfort from his support and giving a watery sigh. “Can we go home?” he asked plaintively. “In case he calls.”

Adam nodded, seeing that Kurt had pretty much reached his limits. He wrapped his arm about Kurt’s shoulders, guiding him along and using his presence to shield Kurt from the commotion of the other students. It was a short subway ride to his flat and he quickly had Kurt sequestered in the privacy of his home as they waited for the news.

His attempts at keeping Kurt calm and distracted were clearly no longer working, Adam considered as they waited on pins and needles for the all important phone call. Even his offering of tea and biscuits and a cuddle on the couch failed to ease Kurt’s mind and he was very nearly climbing the walls in anxiousness. Adam became concerned that Kurt would send himself into fits when at nearly six o’clock, Kurt’s cell phone rang.

Kurt’s face paled when he saw that the call was from his father and quickly answered the phone. “Hi Dad,” he greeted, clearly struggling to keep the tension out of his voice. “How did it go?”

Adam watched his boyfriend carefully as he listened to his father, seeing the way his knuckles whitened as he gripped his phone. Tears began to roll down Kurt’s face and he didn’t say much beyond a few sounds of affirmation.

“That’s great, Dad,” he finally said, no longer able to keep the quiver out of his voice. “I’ll see you this weekend.”

When he ended the call, it was all Adam could do not to pester him about his father. Kurt took a long, shuddering breath and looked to his boyfriend, the tears falling freely now.

“Sweetheart?” Adam said gently, holding out his arms.

Kurt flung himself into Adam’s offered embrace, grasping at him and shivering as the pent up emotions in him demanded release.

“He’s okay,” he sobbed, pressing his face into Adam’s supportive shoulder. “He’s in remission!”

“Oh, darling… that’s wonderful,” Adam exclaimed, holding him tight.

Kurt was sobbing openly now, finally giving into the stress that he’d been keeping under wraps, and all Adam wanted to do was offer him the support that he needed. He held Kurt tightly in his arms as his lover cried, making comforting sounds as he stroked Kurt’s hair.

“It’s all right, love,” he assured the younger man, feeling his shirt getting damp. “He’s going to be fine.”

“I was so scared,” Kurt sobbed, clinging to Adam as if his life depended on it. “I couldn’t lose him too.”

Adam didn’t say anything, knowing that Kurt’s fears were not unfounded. Losing his mother to cancer at a young age had clearly weighed on his mind during this, and Adam knew that losing his father would have broken something permanently in him.

He let his lover cry out his fears and relief, loosening his embrace only when he heard Kurt quieting. “Better, love?” he asked gently, letting Kurt pull back a bit and regain his composure.

Kurt sniffled and nodded. He wiped at his eyes, brushing away the tears. “Oh God, I must be a total mess,” he bemoaned. “I’m the ugliest crier in the world.”

“That’s only because you feel things so strongly,” Adam assured him. “And you’re still beautiful.”

Kurt gave him a wan smile that didn’t quiet reach his eyes, but Adam knew that it would take a little bit before he fully regained his usual poise. “Your bias is showing again,” he accused playfully, giving a slightly watery chuckle.

Adam just reached out to cup Kurt’s face in both hands, his thumbs smoothing away the tear tracks on his cheeks. “You amaze me,” Adam insisted, his voice husky as he felt an overwhelming sense of love towards the young man standing before him. “You are so strong, to deal with everything that you have. I just feel so privileged that let me be a part of your life.”

Kurt’s eyes glimmered as more tears threatened, but not from sadness. “You silly thing… I wouldn’t have gotten through this if it weren’t for you,” he insisted.

“Yes, you would have,” Adam claimed brightly. “Because you couldn’t do otherwise. But now… I think that we’re deserving of a bit of a celebration.”

Kurt’s smile became a bit brighter at the prospect. “Did you have something in mind?”

“Well, we are still continuing your education as an honorary Englishman, so I could take you to my favorite chip shop,” Adam proposed. Kurt would normally shy away from fried food, but after the emotional stress of the past few days he could use a bit of comfort food. A plate of fish and chips always made Adam feel better when he was down. “Afterwards, we can pick up a bottle of wine and spend the night cuddling in front of the telly.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” Kurt countered, letting a slightly teasing tone color his voice. “We go to your chip shop and you feed me all kinds of unhealthy food. Then we pick up that bottle of wine. I insist on a Riesling. And then we come back here and make love until neither of us can move.”

Adam grinned widely. “That sounds like a capital idea,” he said agreeably. “Why don’t you go wash your face and freshen up? I’ll call your girls and let them know the good news if you’d like.”

Kurt smiled at him gratefully, pausing to kiss him warmly. “Thanks. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said, gently running his hand down his lover’s arm to give his hand a squeeze.

Adam watched him disappear into the bathroom and close the door behind him, feeling a sense of relief coming over him. He’d been desperately worried, and not just for Kurt. He’d gotten rather fond of Burt since their first meeting and was relieved to know that he would be well. And while he might not see much of his lover while the Hummels were in town, he couldn’t begrudge Kurt this.

In the meantime, he had some good news to spread and some minds to put at ease.

* * *

“Why didn’t you tell us, honey?” Mags asked, pulling Kurt into a tight hug. “We would have wanted to help.”

The rest of the Apples made distressed affirmations, clearly upset that Kurt had not come to them with his troubles. And that warmed Kurt’s heart. He wished that he had been able to say something, but he was so used to keeping silent during his difficult times.

Mei grasped his hand, pulling him towards her. “We got the feeling that something wasn’t right, but we had no idea it was something this serious,” she said sadly.

“Guys, I really do appreciate it, but really wasn’t anything you could have done. I really needed to keep things as normal as possible. I worry enough on my own,” he explained. “And Adam was taking really good care of me.”

They didn’t seem too happy with the answer, not liking that they couldn’t support their friend when he’d needed them, but had to respect Kurt’s feelings. They had come to know him quite well since he’d joined the group and understood his reluctance to bring his troubles to others.

Adam clapped his hands, getting the group’s attention, wanting to get their attention off of Kurt. “Okay all… let’s take it from the top. I think that we’ve got the vocal’s pretty well down, but let’s see if we can get through the choreography without running into one another.”

The group hurried to their places, forming a V formation on stage with Adam at the front to lead them off. Mitchel cued up the music and the slow, pounding rhythm like a heartbeat began to fill the small theater.

“Nature, nurture, heaven and home,” Adam began to lead the group off, his voice resonating across the stage. “Sum of all, and by them, driven. To conquer every mountain shown. But I’ve never crossed the river.”

Behind him, Kurt and Tommy joined in, their higher voices layering with his and providing a pleasing counterpoint. “Braved the forests, braved the stone,” the three sang. “Braved the icy winds and fire. Braved and beat them on my own. Yet I’m helpless by the river.”

Jules and Mitchel then joined in, building on the collection of voices. “Angel, angel, what have I done? I’ve faced the quakes, the wind, the fire. I’ve conquered country, crown, and throne. Why can’t I cross this river?”

The rest of the men in the group joined in and they all began to move in formation, as if soldiers marching to battle. “Angel, angel, what have I done?” they sang in harmony. The sound was full and rich, ranging from Kurt’s bright tenor to Jule’s near bass. “I’ve faced the quakes, the wind, the fire. I’ve conquered country, crown, and throne. Why can’t I cross this river?”

The men then paused in place, falling silent as Mags and Jill began to sing. Both were altos and their voices flowed luxuriantly together. “Pay no mind to the battles you’ve won. It’ll take a lot more than rage and muscle. Open your hearts and hands my son. Or you’ll never make it over the river.”

They stepped forward with Mei and Corrine falling in behind them, the altos now supporting the brighter sopranos. “It’ll take a lot more than words and guns,” the girls sang strongly. “A whole lot more than riches and muscle. The hands of the many must join as one. And together we’ll cross the river.”

Now with the whole group in full voice, the real complexity of the song became clear. They began to sing in a round, forming complex patterns and the contrasting lyrics and vocally playing off one another. The men sang of the struggle, while the women sang of hope. The choreography became more intricate with the song’s complexity, the group forming patterns and passes as they flowed past one another, their voices playing off one another. The song continued to build until they all found themselves back in their original formation, singing together as a whole.

“Nature, nurture, heaven and home,” they song together, voices rising to the climax. “And together we’ll cross the river. And together we’ll cross the river.”

“And together we’ll cross the river,” Adam finished alone, providing a gentle finish as the music drew to a close. He took a deep breath, shifting from performer to chorus leader and considering what they’d just accomplished. He turned to face his group, who were looking to him expectantly for praise or criticism.

“That was… bloody amazing,” he stated. He paused, thought for a quick second and then nodded again. “Absolutely fantastic, everyone. It was everything that I could have expected.”

He was ready to suggest a slight change to the choreography and the timing of a few points in the song when they were startled by some applause and cheers coming from the back of the theater. Adam spun about, seeing a middle aged man and woman step into view.

“Dad!” Kurt exclaimed, all but running off stage and throwing himself at his father. Burt caught him in a tight embrace and all but lifted his son from the ground. And if Kurt clung to him a bit longer than absolutely necessary, no one was going to comment on it.

“I thought you weren’t going to get in until tomorrow,” he claimed, looking up at his father.

“We were able to get on an earlier plane,” Burt explained, giving Kurt’s hair a bit of a ruffle and earning a protesting squeak in response. “We wanted to surprise you.”

Carole took Kurt into her arms, providing the motherly warmth that he so often missed. “I told him he should call you, but you know your father,” she complained playfully, kissing his cheek.

Kurt’s eyes seemed to shimmer a bit with happy tears and whatever protests he might have had for that unnecessary surprise were appeased by having his father with him.

Kurt turned to the rest of the group, who were watching curiously from the stage. “Hey guys, these are my parents,” he introduced.

“You all sounded incredible,” Carole complimented, giving the group a warm smile. “Adam, your group is amazing.”

He gave Kurt’s folks a warm smile and hopped off the stage to greet them. “It’s good to see you,” he said sincerely, giving Burt a warm handshake and Carole a peck on the cheek.

“That was some pretty impressive singing,” Burt complimented. “I really like how everyone’s voices get used and not just one or two people in the front.”

Adam smiled brightly. “That’s always been something we’ve tried to do,” he insisted. “We’ve got a lot of talented people and I try to make sure everyone gets their chance when we’re doing arrangements like this.”

Burt nodded approvingly. “That’s a lot better than how Kurt’s old chorus used to do things. It was always the same few people on lead all the time.”

“Dad…”

“I’m just calling it like I see it,” Burt insisted.

“Come on… let me introduce you to everyone,” Kurt said, hoping to distract his father from his usual tirade about how New Directions had been managed. He took his father in hand and began to lead him about, making the personal introductions to his friends.

Carole came up to Adam and let him throw a casual arm about her shoulders as they watched their loved ones. Kurt’s smile was the brightest that Adam could remember in the past few days, free of the shadows that had tainted every waking moment.

“I wanted to thank you for keeping an eye on Kurt,” she said gratefully. “He would have just driven himself insane trying to manage everything. And probably would have driven his father crazy in the process.”

Adam looked down at her fondly. “I’m glad that I was able to help a little bit.”

“It took a lot off Burt’s mind, knowing that you were watching out for Kurt,” she insisted. “He may not show it, but he’s gotten rather fond of you.”

The affirmation that Kurt’s family accepted him and found that they could depend on him during a time of trouble cause Adam’s heart to swell warmly.

Burt and Kurt rejoined them, both of them laughing and smiling. “How about you show me and Carole around this fancy school of yours?” Burt proposed. “We’ll go out for dinner tonight.”

Adam tried not to let his smile fade, knowing that he’d have to relinquish Kurt’s attention and time for the next few days. But he refused to be childish and knew that his boyfriend needed a bit of time to reconnect with his parents. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have Kurt all to himself much of the time. He could be a gentleman and allow Kurt the time he needed without whining.

Burt looked to the Englishman. “Adam, we thought that we’d go out at seven. How about you and Kurt meet us at our hotel? One of the guys in the New York delegation told me about this steakhouse nearby that sounds like the perfect place to celebrate.”

Adam blinked in surprise. “Oh… I wasn’t sure… I thought you’d want some time to yourselves,” he said politely; ready to bow out gracefully if necessary.

Burt chuckled, giving Adam’s shoulder a playful jab. “And have Kurt pouting all night? Besides, I kind of owe you one for keeping him sane the past few days. The least I can do is treat you to a good dinner.”

Adam looked to Kurt uncertainly, who was positively beaming alongside his father. Realizing that this was Burt’s way of including him with the family, he nodded and accepted the invitation. “Well, how can I say no, then? I’d love to join you all.”

Burt smiled broadly, pulling his wife under his other arm. “I’ll give you back Kurt in a little bit,” he assured the younger man.

Kurt paused to kiss his boyfriend. “I’ll meet you back at your place in about an hour,” he promised.

Adam watched, grinning to himself as Kurt lead his parents out of the auditorium, chattering at a mile a minute about all the things he’d been up to at school. Turning back to the rest of the group, he gave a bashful shrug at their knowing smiles. “Well, I suppose we’ll have to carry on without Kurt,” he offered. “We still have a bit of time.”

Mags shook her head. “Oh no. You are going to go make yourself handsome for your big dinner with the in-laws,” she insisted critically. She reached out to snatch Adam’s beanie off his head before he could pull away. “You need a haircut.”

Adam ran a hand through his hair, feeling that it was a bit overgrown. He didn’t mind it being longer because Kurt always liked playing with his curls. But he had parents to impress.

Mags took him in hand. “Come on,” she urged. “Let’s get you to the barber and figure out what you’re going to wear tonight.”

* * *

Kurt was all but bouncing up the stairs to Adam’s apartment, mentally calculating that he had about an hour to shower and make himself presentable before they had to leave to meet his parents. Hopefully Adam had already taken advantage of the chance to shower, otherwise they’d be crammed in the tiny bathroom together and neither of them would be ready in time.

He used his key to open the door, still feeling a tiny thrill of having a key to his boyfriend’s apartment. “Adam, are you here?” he called out, hanging his jacket on the hook by the door. “I’m going to run into the shower!”

“I’ll be out in just a second,” Adam called out from the bathroom.

Kurt began to toe off his shoes and unbuttoned his shirt, ready to shrug off his clothes before hopping into the shower. He looked up as Adam stepped out of the bathroom and felt his jaw drop.

Adam was dressed in several of the pieces that Kurt had brought home from Vogue with him in mind. The black slacks clung to his hips and showed off the long line of his legs and drew attention to his toned waist. The dress shirt was teal silk that brought out the blue of his eyes and made his chest and shoulders look amazing. Finished with his dress shoes, he looked elegant but without being fussy.

“You got a haircut,” Kurt noted, seeing the way his curls lay neatly defined and smoothed with a bit of styling pomade. The shorter style drew attention to his strong jaw line and elegant cheekbones.

“Mags insisted that I needed it,” Adam explained. He held out his arms and turned so that Kurt could see his outfit from all angles.

“Did I choose all right?” he asked. “You’ve got a much better eye for fashion than I do.”

Kurt couldn’t help from smiling. “You look amazing,” he assured his boyfriend. “You didn’t have to go through so much trouble. It’s just dinner with my folks.”

Adam just smiled warmly at him. “Exactly. It’s dinner with your family and we’re celebrating your father’s good health. I wanted to show my respect for the occasion.”

Kurt felt his eyes water, but for a good reason. “You are such a gentleman,” he teased gently. “And you look gorgeous. I’d better hop to it if I want to look nearly as good.”

Adam just smiled and kissed Kurt warmly. “You get into the shower. I left you plenty of hot water.”

“Love you so much,” Kurt sighed, forcing himself to pull away. “I won’t be too long.”

Forty five minutes later, Kurt emerged from Adam’s bedroom; his hair styled neatly and dressed in grey slacks and a sage green shirt that brought out all kinds of amazing colors in his eyes. Adam smiled in approval.

“Lovely,” he complimented, kissing Kurt on the lips. “I’m going to be the envy of every man there.”

Kurt couldn’t help from chuckling. “At least the men whose inclinations lean towards our own,” he corrected. “And yes… you will.”

Adam smiled, his eyes crinkling in happiness. “I’m so glad to see you back to your old self, love.”

Kurt sighed, pursing his lips and nodding. “I know that I wasn’t my best,” he agreed. “Thank you for putting up with me.”

“Always. Now let’s not keep your folks waiting.”

* * *

“You really ate a whole steak and a lobster?” Finn asked incredulously over the Skype line.

“Just a lobster tail,” Kurt clarified, sipping at his coffee.

Finn shook his head in astonishment. “You are really scary with how much you eat,” he admonished playfully, earning a wry grin from his stepbrother. “Nobody believes me when I tell them.”

“You take my dance class twice a week and you’ll see why I eat the way I do,” he insisted. “I totally burn it off. And I’m really getting muscles now.” He angled the camera on the laptop so that Finn could see him flex his arm to make his bicep pop.

Finn laughed. “Adam must love that,” he noted.

Kurt grinned smugly. “He’s not complaining.”

Finn fell silent for a second, looking wistful. “I really miss you, bro,” he said simply.

Kurt just smiled, squelching the instinct to call his stepbrother out on using the hated “bro” label. “I wish you could have been here,” he mused. “But how do you like New Orleans?”

Finn smiled broadly, getting that excited, animated quality that he always showed when really happy about something. “You would love this place so much,” he insisted. “The people here are amazing and the food! Puck and I had crawfish the other day! They’re like this tiny little lobsters and they call them mudbugs. And there’s this place down by the river that makes these crazy donuts… they’ve got so much powdered sugar on them that you end up wearing half of it.”

“That’s so not for me,” Kurt insisted, grinning at Finn’s delight at finding new and delicious things to eat.

“They’re really good,” Finn promised him. “And I’ve never seen you turn down dessert.”

“Finn… my clothes…”

“Anyway, Mom and Burt called me right after they called you with the good news,” Finn assured him. “Sorry I couldn’t join them when they came to visit you, but we just got here.”

Kurt nodded reassuringly. “It’s okay,” he insisted. “I’m just glad that you seem to be doing okay down there.”

Puck suddenly came into view on Kurt’s monitor. “Hey little dude!” he greeted brightly.

“Hi Puck!” Kurt responded brightly. “I was wondering where you were.”

“Just chatting up some tourist girls. Let me tell you… me and my boy here have been hitting it on the regular,” he said slyly. “The women here just love guys doing good deeds.”

Kurt couldn’t help from laughing. “I’m so thrilled that working with Habitats for Humanity is helping you get laid!”

Puck looked at him in shock. “Dude, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to you talking about sex.”

“Hey, it’s not like I’m not getting it on the regular,” Kurt reminded him teasingly. He burst out laughing at the shocked look on Puck’s face.

“Anyway, we both are coming up for your shows,” Finn promised. “We’ll take the bus and meet Mom and Burt.”

“That sounds great,” Kurt agreed. “I told them that the best time to come would be the last night that we do Hamlet and then we start Much Ado two days later. That way you get to see both performances.”

“Just let us know the dates,” Finn reminded. “I really can’t wait to see you.”

Kurt smiled warmly, very badly missing his brother and his friend. “Me too. You keep an eye on each other. And stay out of trouble! I’ve heard that Louisiana jails suck!”

“We will,” Finn promised. “Say ‘hi’ to the girls for us.”

Kurt closed his laptop and leaned back on the sofa, feeling his mind settle as he had a moment to enjoy some peace for the first time in days. Now that the stress of worrying about his father was resolved, he could finally let himself relax.

He was so used to not letting others see him troubled, because tears were signs of weakness that an attacker could use against him. He always had to appear strong, even if he was dying inside. He did it when his mother died, and when his father had his heart attack. He did it when his father first revealed his cancer diagnosis and had to put on a brave face in front of his ex. Even his girls were kept at arm’s length while he grappled with his deepest fears.

He found himself smiling when he realized that there was someone that he could cry in front of. It hadn’t even been a thought in the back of his mind when it happened, but he knew that Adam would never use it against him. Knowing that he had been that open with his feelings in front of the man he loved felt… freeing.

Looking at the clock, he knew that he had a half hour before he had to meet his family. They had enough time for lunch before his parents had to leave for the airport, and he didn’t want to waste any time he had with them. Kurt knew what was important to him and he wasn’t going to waste what precious opportunities he had.

Kurt knew just how fortunate he was. He had his father alive and well, a stepmother and stepbrother that he had grown to deeply love, and friends that had come to mean as much to him as any blood relation. He was taking his first steps towards the career he’d been aspiring to since he was a child. Last, but most certainly not least, he had a boyfriend who had stood by his side, supported him and shown him the kind of love that he’d always dreamed of.

One thing was certain; he was no longer afraid and would be embracing everything that came to him without reservations.

*Song used by Adam's Apples - The Humbling River by Pucifer

[insecure-hbo-recaps]

hella open

Previously on Insecure: Issa slept with Lawrence but Lawrence is apparently with Tasha. Lawrence told Tasha, and it didn't go well. Lawrence moved out of Chad's place. Molly's therapist helped her try to move up a level at work. Issa starts to accept that Lawrence is done.

Issa is having a red wine and chill with some random. She's wearing a purple football jersey for the occasion, which is an interesting choice. Her hair is braided down in a protective after-shampooing set of Celie cornrows like... it tickles me when famous black women publicly do stuff that is just-for-at-home and mainstream media loses their shit over it (see also Rihanna wearing sparkly bobby pins in her wrapped hair) but, Insecure is for us. I'm not so sure I can cosign this ostentatiously quirky style choice, lol.

The guy moves in to kiss her and Issa awkwardly accepts it. She continually giggles while he is trying to be sexy, past the point where he is amused by it. As an aside, this is everything:

Issa is frankly annoying him now - I get that it's weird for her to have sex with a new person after being with Lawrence for five years. The first time I had a serious long term relationship I was surprised how weird it was to begin sleeping with someone new again. It wasn't something I thought I'd have a problem with, since obviously I'd never had a boyfriend and that was the weird thing. But, it was. Issa asks to reschedule, but she has blown this dude's high - he's wearing jeans with cutouts at the knee, this is some Eric Benet California shit - he doesn't really want to try again. This didn't work. So Issa gets dressed to leave.

Dunes. Issa is about to leave for work when she catches sight of the plume of smoke she burned into her wall at last week's party. She also notices before she goes that the new property management has issued what appears to be every apartment notices for noise violations, taped to their doors.

On the way out, Issa runs into one of the bloods that crashed her party. He has a really big, weird shaped head.

It reminds me of this kid I went to high school with named Mickey who had a big oversized head that sort of came to a point at the top; so more a triangle than round head. Of course now that I've spent several years working in developmental pediatrics I know what happened there is that he should have had a helmet as an infant and his parents didn't get him one, but at the time it was just there goes Mickey with his big ass pointed head that he for some reason chooses to accuentuate with a cloth headband. (This was obviously during the Rocafella era when that was en vogue for men.) I actually think that he ended up being shot and murdered as an adult, but for the life of me I cannot remember his last name in order to check and I'm not exactly on speaking terms with my high school classmates.

Anyway, Mickey (I don't know that we ever get to hear his name and I'm going to make the executive decision that it doesn't matter) says he had fun at Issa's party and she watches him go.

Molly's law office. She's skyping with Hannah in the Chicago office as well as the TSA agent from Get Out, Quintin, a fellow lawyer in a trendy bow tie. There's a Chicago joke about the sun shining so he's going to the beach. That doesn't work here because Chicago is not an overcast city and we don't have an excessive amount of cloudy days. You're thinking Portland, Insecure writers. Idk why the actor didn't correct him, since apparently he's also from Chicago. In the summer I hang a dark blanket on the window behind my blinds because my bedroom is east facing and there's too much sun for 75% of the day. Anyway, they bond over being the token black lawyers and it's all lovely and relatable.

High school. As you may have noticed, I really don't give a shit about this storyline. I did think it was interesting that Issa ended up being the bad guy in this scenario, as the show's hero, because you are definitely tempted to take her side in this. Frida comes across as an overly Clueless White Person with her concerns that the after school program is only black children while Issa isn't bothered because she's just glad the program is full. When I watched this the first time I was uncomfortable with it because while I didn't exactly disagree with Issa's blase attitude, I did think the show made it clear enough that she wasn't doing the right thing to take it. Of course this season will make it overtly clear - more than the first season did in my opinion - that Issa's judgment is sure in the fuck not to be trusted, and this was just another way that they established that. Duly noted that white people aren't always wrong when it comes to race. Issa's attitude doesn't sit well with Frida.

Multicultural Silicon Valley start up, aka Lawrence's computery job. It looks like he's wearing one of those Untuck It shirts. Tangent. I went out with this guy who was born in the 70s because he started hitting on me when I was working on my laptop at Map Room and trying not to cry because I was texting with my new boyfriend-even-though-we'd-been-fucking-for-the-last-three-years-not-as-a-couple because he up and booked a flight for a 10 day trip to Costa Rica and didn't tell me about it til afterward. I was two La Fin du Mondes in already and when I went to close out, the random man offered to buy me another, apparently not noticing my teary eyes. Anyway, because he was born in the 70s, he was particularly preoccupied with anything young and trendy, and frequently mentioned his Untuck It shirts to me. Granted they do look expensive and well made in real life. But they're also just regular fucking shirts that charge a 300% premium because they cut them slightly shorter so that you don't have to... guess what... tuck them in. I've literally only ever seen or heard of these shirts due to advertisements during daytime CNN or MSNBC viewing so like... who's supposed to be impressed by this?

Anyway, The Generic White Guy is obnoxiously eating snack food made from crickets, and Lawrence is talking about his trip to Phuket, so we get the full range of lovely diversity at work in this cool, trendy environment. Apparently the ethnic girl next to Lawrence slept with Corny Colin, which the blonde teases her about. Ethnic Girl is not amused by it. The group discusses a company social, but Lawrence can't go because he "promised someone he'd pick up some chairs." So he's going to go to Tasha's family bbq after all. The group clearly regards Lawrence as a trendsetter amongst what's hot and what's not - a distinction I feel that certain types of black people, in certain environments, are relegated to simply because black culture is presumed to be cooler than the other prevailing cultures - and everyone is disappointed that he will not be going.

Loading dock. Molly is wearing a fabulous black skirt suit with leather trimmed lapels. She's on the phone with her mom about the vow renewal thing her parents keep bugging her about. A worker comes out with her bookcase and assumes the random black man standing nearby is there with her. He asks if he should hand it over and everyone looks at each other, blanketed by the wrongness of the assumptions all around. Molly scoffs that she's not with him, and makes to pick up the bookcase by herself.

Yes, it is exactly as absurd as you'd think it would be, and two things. Motherfuck this whole concept where black women aren't allowed or should be or expected to be the normal amount of "feminine" granted to every other woman. I had this epiphany somewhere not long after high school when I realized how panicked and backed up against the wall I felt that my natural inclination was to resist any kind of vulnerability and the realization that I didn't want to have to be "strong" all the time. That wasn't going to work for me. I am damsel in distress all the time. You will stop when I cross the street, even if I'm timing it wrong with the stop signs - when I politely give you the right of way, you will insist I cross instead. You will pause to let me pass and open doors when I do. You will push my car out of the snow. You will offer to carry the leftovers from the restaurant. I dated a guy who insisted on walking down the stairs in front of me when I was wearing high heels, just in case I tripped. Point being, with regards to this scene, I wouldn't have lifted that shit. I wouldn't have carried shit. I would have been pointedly unable to carry that box. I'd have stood there for a half hour if that's as long as it took for someone to offer to carry the box for me. But it wouldn't have. When you behave with the expectation that you are a woman and you expect to be treated like a woman, something kinda funny happens... people treat you like a delicate woman. It doesn't escape my notice that the black man the worker assumed was there for Molly is there with a white woman, whose boxes he handily carries, while Molly struggles absurdly with the bulky oblong in her five inch heels down a flight of stairs. No ma'am. Later for "strong black womanhood," in this physical sense at any rate.

Molly's fantastic apartment. She's telling Issa she's putting her therapy on hold until she finds another therapist. Naturally, therapy was hitting too close to home, so Molly's instinct was to run from the truth. They are trying to put together this Ikea ass bookcase (related to my previous tangent, whenever I need this kind of manly work done, I outsource it now. Task Rabbit is an app, y'all. That's what it's for. It's not as solid a solution as having an actual man around or anything, but on some level I simply refuse to become a handyman myself just out of sheer principle. You will not deny me my femininity this way, it is a political issue at this point to me.)

Anyway, Molly is bitching about the therapist trying to get too close "just because we both got brown titties." Issa abides this silently. I can't believe they unironically drink Carlo Rossi. I remember being a kid and trying to learn about this kind of stuff and making a note from, of all places, an episode of Intervention about what kinds of wine people actually drink. Haha! (And yes, it was the huge gallon jug of Carlo Rossi.) Issa encourages Molly to keep looking for a new therapist, which Molly flips back on Issa regarding not finding a new Lawrence either.

Issa recounts how she couldn't do casual sex because she was too stuck in her own head. I'm so glad this has never been a problem for me LOL. I don't even know what my social life would be like if I had a hang up about this issue. They decide they should be doing their "ho phase" together - but then Issa met Lawrence and he "made [her] fall in love with him and shit." Issa wants to get on Team Fuck Love, and asks Molly "can you teach me how to ho?" "Bitch that's rude... and yes," Molly replies.

Late night spot. Issa is wearing a ridiculous outfit as she ridicules the other thirsty women in the spot that are there for an apparently different kind of thirst than the one she is. Seriously, what were we supposed to think about this outfit?

Baby, no. Especially as a woman walks past wearing the exact same bad dress. She's also wearing what I'm sure are an expensive pair of espadrilles, but they are wedge espadrilles, with a red floral print. Plainly, that outfit is ridiculous. Issa suggests a vacation to somewhere where they'll be exotic. Molly doesn't care, and seems very underwhelmed by the night.

Issa is chatting with some guy, making awkward double entendres and sexual innuendos. The guy is not amused and flat out walks away from her mid conversation. The next guy at the bar keeps peeling his eyes around at everything else but Issa, finally admitting that he's only talking to her because his friend wanted to talk to Molly. Issa is the grenade. Dayuuuuum, bro. "Do you have any other friends?" he asks, which Issa doesn't dignify with a response.

Molly is talking to Sterling K Brown and is still underwhelmed with the night - the way his friend was only talking to Issa, she's only talking to him. He asks for her number and Molly coolly hands him her business card. She joins Issa at the bar, who has given up on the night and ordered a plate of wings. I get it. There's only so much humiliation you can take when you put yourself out there to pick up a random at the bar. Hell, at least Issa has a friend with her while she does it.

Tasha's house. Tasha is in bed with Lawrence with her hair wrapped gossiping about tv shows. Lawrence tries to distract her and get amorous but Tasha isn't interested in going there. She pushes Lawrence away and we are treated to more of the show-within-a-show.

Back at the Dune's, Issa (in her middle-of-the-bed pillow) can't sleep so she pulls out her vibrator. The battery dies and she spends like ten minutes walking around the apartment looking for new batteries. And, why don't you have a magic wand? True story: I held off buying any kind of sex toys because I never had any and it made me have to seek out men if I wanted to have a sexual encounter; I (it turned out, rightly) figured that if I had any sex toys it would discourage and demotivate me from meeting actual men. Guess what... I was completely correct, and my love life took a marked down turn the same year I bought a magic wand of my own. Could have been timing, coincidence, I don't know, but it was interesting. I have since incorporated it into my regular sex life. (My boyfriend-that-I-loved-so-much-I-was-always-crying was amused the first time I used it with him, calling it "violent" and "over the top" because I was "loud" and it "plugged into the wall." lol. I did nothing but laugh and concede the point, because he was right. But in other news, fun fact: it also works on men, so if you are hooking up with someone that you don't actually want to have sex with, everyone can have an orgasm with no intercourse whatsoever.)

There are a few scenes about Molly's being underpaid and Issa missing the discrimination that I'm going to skip because the point has been made already.

Lunch. Molly is on a date with Sterling K Brown. He's showing her pictures of his niece on his phone, because he's a Good Black Man looking for a Good Black Woman. Actually, given the champagne flute and the bottle on the table I'm going to assume this is brunch (mimosas, you see). Sterling K Brown is wearing an interesting outfit, what says the tribunal?

This rote-date-conversation centers around the fact that they both have ticking biological clocks, and that Sterling K Brown is not being at all ambiguous about his intentions. Molly seems uncomfortable, and isn't following this conversation as well as a woman would be if she were truly interested. I gotta say, Sterling K Brown comes off as a LITTLE thirsty... but, considering Molly really does the most when it comes to choosing a man, like... you can't empathize with her at all. Do we know this, do viewers know this? Molly is wrong and ridiculous and has no clue what she is doing, and her choosing criteria is wildly outdated, immature, and foolish. Like, there is no shrewdness to her relationship behavior at all. She is doing nothing that would prove to be in her best interests or better her life circumstances at all, even if it were just casually dating a potential husband so that you have that back up available when things aren’t going well. This is the kind of thing I might of done before I realized it may be an actual real possibility that I actually might not find the husband I wanted some day.

California Family Cookout. There's ribs, there's dominoes. You feel right at home. Lawrence shows up in some hipster ass shirt, carrying chairs as promised. Tasha is wearing a lime green midi dress with scribbled print and a lopsided sew in. It works, as long as you don't pause at the wrong moment. Why am I hating on both their outfits? Let's move on. Tasha's relatives line up to get a good look at Lawrence and he is clearly there in a capacity of Tasha's Man Friend... which he looks decidedly uncomfortable with. Well, what the fuck were you expecting, Lawrence? Why do you think she hedged around inviting you, and made it clear you didn't have to come?

Lawrence's coworker texts him, and he decides to take it as an out, telling Tasha he'll be right back. "Oh... ok," she says. Damn. Again, people were furious over the "thirsty" character of Tasha. Meanwhile I'm just over here wondering why fellow black women didn't have more sympathy for her flexibility. Some of the time when I peek back into conversations in The Community, I am reminded of all kinds of toxic shit I used to feel and believe when I was younger that I eventually had to unlearn in the interests of any kind of healthy interpersonal life. She cheerfully says she'll see him later, and he leaves.

Molly is at a cupcake shop - those are a thing, y'all, and why? I live near one that granted, makes delicious cupcakes, but they cost like fucking four and a half dollars for one REGULAR SIZE muffin tin mold cupcake! Funnily enough, they are actually named "Molly's Cupcakes." Someone calls out that they will pay for her cupcakes, and it appears to be someone Molly knows:

A guy named Dro and his ostensible wife, who playfully criticizes Molly's insistence on wearing "ugly" dark colors - it's a black greek thing. (The wife is Delta, which I presume makes Molly AKA). The married couple set up the plot for next week's episode, expositing that they are in town for the Kiss n Grind party. It's clear that Molly knows Dro from way back, and the wife is newer.

Dunes. Issa has decided to paint over her burnt wall. She's typically spastic at it, dripping paint everywhere and making a mess. While cleaning off the roller, she spots Mickey Bighead lounging by the pool and is apparently attracted by what she sees. Molly calls; Issa notes her "high pitched fakeness" as she describes the date with Sterling K Brown: although there is clearly nothing wrong with him it's obvious to the both of them that Molly just isn't into it. For SOME reason. And this is the thing that is frustrating about Molly... there's never any legitimate or tangible reason why she has no interest in normal men and normal relationships, or why she brushes off scenarios that would be good for her. Like, what is she looking for instead? What's wrong with Sterling K Brown? Why would she not be interested in him? There are no red flags - it's not his looks, it's not that he's not a professional peer, it's not his baggage as he is unmarried with no children. And perhaps that is the point the show is making - that just because she should be interested in him, that doesn't mean she has to be. In the larger context of women "wanting it all" or "not settling," the point is valid. But in a practical sense, Molly is being ridiculous and her actions are not justified. This is how bitches end up single til 40 when they wind up marrying a bald janitor in the end anyway, is all I'm saying. Making smart choices don’t always feel like the choices you want to make.

Molly is comparing her lack of interest in Sterling K Brown with the fact that Candace and Dro are happy despite the fact that Dro was a mess and never had a "five year plan." So I guess that's what her problem is. She has no idea what will make her happy and is constantly peeking in other peoples' lives like it will tell her what would work in hers. You can always find a reason why a person is lacking when you compare them to someone else because... people aren't the same.

Start up Happy Hour. Lawrence shows up and his coworkers are happy to see him. They know the workplace is one big ho fest once enough drinks start flowing. Ethnic Girl is still pointed about regretting hooking up with Generic White Guy. Which, rude.

Issa has painted over her wall, which looks really good. But then she notices she neglected the smoke on the ceiling. Knowing she can't reach it, she reckons with it and tells it, "you can't have my joy." She spots Mickey Bighead going into his apartment and concocts a plan. She pulls out her charger and takes it down to Mickey's asking whether he left it at her house at her party. He seems momentarily taken aback, but recovers smoothly enough to invite her in.

Start Up Saturday. Lawrence gets a text from Tasha wondering where he is. Ethnic Girl asks what his deal is - and I kind of hate those "work people" that you can tell their primary source of social capital comes from people they meet in and around the work environment. Like other people are wrong for having a life outside of work and are not as immersed as you are. They ask whether Lawrence is single as a waitress comes up to flirt with him. Although Lawrence says he has to take off soon, her overt interest is all it takes for him to stay for a round of shots.

Back at Mickey's they're talking about Gossip Girl. Blake Lively is the most generic white woman on the face of the planet. "Yeah, white people," Mickey says. "There's so many of them," Issa adds awkwardly. Lol. Issa daydreams a confidence boost rap to convince herself to make a move: "even if it's wack, you can still get some head!" Unflattering accidental pause moment:

Issa makes an awkward kiss move, accidentally knocking him in the nose with her forehead. It works anyway, and they start making out. The first time I watched this I was a little annoyed because while I understand Issa's excitement over her new body, her constantly barely clothed state this season just seems so gratuitous. The fact that I personally don't like her body type - not to say she hasn't done a lot of work on it! - mainly just annoyed me. And I don't enjoy her sex scenes. Molly's sex scenes and Lawrence's sex scenes are great. So it's always kind of a let down when we have to watch Issa have sex. Her bra collection is excellent though, I guess.

Mickey asks if he could titty fuck her, which Issa "respectfully decline[s]." He wants to put her legs over her head, which she is uncomfortable with. Her head is squashed into the headboard and it's terrible. To her credit, Issa asks to change positions and finds a way that suits her better. He's wearing white socks. Aw. Flashbacks.

Molly is at home, working with a glass of red. Sterling K Brown invites her to a SZA concert and she declines. He comes back with a dinner invitation which she doesn't even reply to. Whatever, Molly. But hey, she heard my complaints and hired some random men to put the cabinet together for her! There's that at least.

Start up Saturday. Everyone's drunk and Lawrence is explaining the concept of his app to the two girls. What IS "Woot Woot" exactly? Besides the fact that everyone makes fun of him when he talks about it, as far as I can tell it's some kind of group chat client? Idk. Tasha calls, and Lawrence puts the phone to his ear in the loud bar. Tasha is mildly agitated, asking what happened to him because he never came back; her family members are even now in the background asking about him. He apologizes and says he ended up drinking too much. Tasha says if he didn't want to come he should have just told her. Lawrence tries to brush it off but then admits he isn't looking for a serious relationship. Tasha is put out because he ghosted on her in front of her entire family; if he didn't want a serious thing he shouldn't have come. He embarrassed her. Lawrence apologizes in a way that still blames it on her: "I know how much you wanted me to be there." It's her fault for expecting his intentions to match his behavior, not his fault for not being up front and leading her on. Tasha tells him to stop acting like he gives a fuck about her feelings, because he "fronted like it was [something more], apologizing for shit" he knew he wasn't sorry for.

Lawrence insists he was being genuine. Tasha: "You're a fuck nigga. You're worse than a fuck nigga. You're a fuck nigga who thinks he's a good dude." And she hangs up. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the cultural conundrum facing all of us in this new technologically advanced hook up landscape we are all attempting to navigate. I don't know how it used to be before Swiper Not Swiping and casual sex became the rule, not the exception, but I also find that men are preoccupied with being "good guys" in a way that belies their shitty behavior; some kind of veneer of honesty and distance that doesn't quite square with the level of intimacy and acquiescence they are seeking from their partners. Maybe back in the day it was understood you couldn't get that level of commitment without expressly acknowledging it; I find these days men think they get to have their cake and eat it too on this issue.

Anyway, look at this shit:

Bitch, what are you wearing? Those 1980s Jessie Spano mom jeans. Her name is "Arpana" which leads me to believe she's supposed to be Indian, but I think in real life her body type would indicate she is something else. She's probably Latina tbh. (And no I'm not going to google this to find out.) Anyway, Lawrence is laughing off his conversation with Tasha well enough as he rejoins the party.

Back at the Dunes, Issa is sneaking out of Mickey's apartment. She isn't quiet enough and he wakes up, offering for her to sleep over. Super generous considering she lives literally right upstairs. As Issa grabs her phone to go, she decides she isn't actually willing to sacrifice her phone charger for this farce, so she snatches it up too. But not to fear: it turns out Mickey was aware of her ruse the entire time, as his phone has been sitting plugged into his own not-missing charger the whole time. Issa can't even be mad as she lets out a chuckle and goes. She seems pleased, at least, with this first foray into "honess."

[insecure-hbo-the-recaps]

hella open

Previously on Insecure: Issa slept with Lawrence but Lawrence is apparently with Tasha. Lawrence told Tasha, and it didn’t go well. Lawrence moved out of Chad’s place. Molly’s therapist helped her try to move up a level at work. Issa starts to accept that Lawrence is done.

Issa is having a red wine and chill with some random. She’s wearing a purple football jersey for the occasion, which is an interesting choice. Her hair is braided down in a protective after-shampooing set of Celie cornrows like… it tickles me when famous black women publicly do stuff that is just-for-at-home and mainstream media loses their shit over it (see also Rihanna wearing sparkly bobby pins in her wrapped hair) but, Insecure is for us. I’m not so sure I can cosign this ostentatiously quirky style choice, lol.

The guy moves in to kiss her and Issa awkwardly accepts it. She continually giggles while he is trying to be sexy, past the point where he is amused by it. As an aside, this is everything:

Issa is frankly annoying him now - I get that it’s weird for her to have sex with a new person after being with Lawrence for five years. The first time I had a serious long term relationship I was surprised how weird it was to begin sleeping with someone new again. It wasn’t something I thought I’d have a problem with, since obviously I’d never had a boyfriend and that was the weird thing. But, it was. Issa asks to reschedule, but she has blown this dude’s high - he’s wearing jeans with cutouts at the knee, this is some Eric Benet California shit - he doesn’t really want to try again. This didn’t work. So Issa gets dressed to leave.

Dunes. Issa is about to leave for work when she catches sight of the plume of smoke she burned into her wall at last week’s party. She also notices before she goes that the new property management has issued what appears to be every apartment notices for noise violations, taped to their doors.

On the way out, Issa runs into one of the bloods that crashed her party. He has a really big, weird shaped head.

It reminds me of this kid I went to high school with named Mickey who had a big oversized head that sort of came to a point at the top; so more a triangle than round head. Of course now that I’ve spent several years working in developmental pediatrics I know what happened there is that he should have had a helmet as an infant and his parents didn’t get him one, but at the time it was just there goes Mickey with his big ass pointed head that he for some reason chooses to accuentuate with a cloth headband. (This was obviously during the Rocafella era when that was en vogue for men.) I actually think that he ended up being shot and murdered as an adult, but for the life of me I cannot remember his last name in order to check and I’m not exactly on speaking terms with my high school classmates.

Anyway, Mickey (I don’t know that we ever get to hear his name and I’m going to make the executive decision that it doesn’t matter) says he had fun at Issa’s party and she watches him go.

Molly’s law office. She’s skyping with Hannah in the Chicago office as well as the TSA agent from Get Out, Quintin, a fellow lawyer in a trendy bow tie. There’s a Chicago joke about the sun shining so he’s going to the beach. That doesn’t work here because Chicago is not an overcast city and we don’t have an excessive amount of cloudy days. You’re thinking Portland, Insecure writers. Idk why the actor didn’t correct him, since apparently he’s also from Chicago. In the summer I hang a dark blanket on the window behind my blinds because my bedroom is east facing and there’s too much sun for 75% of the day. Anyway, they bond over being the token black lawyers and it’s all lovely and relatable.

High school. As you may have noticed, I really don’t give a shit about this storyline. I did think it was interesting that Issa ended up being the bad guy in this scenario, as the show’s hero, because you are definitely tempted to take her side in this. Frida comes across as an overly Clueless White Person with her concerns that the after school program is only black children while Issa isn’t bothered because she’s just glad the program is full. When I watched this the first time I was uncomfortable with it because while I didn’t exactly disagree with Issa’s blase attitude, I did think the show made it clear enough that she wasn’t doing the right thing to take it. Of course this season will make it overtly clear - more than the first season did in my opinion - that Issa’s judgment is sure in the fuck not to be trusted, and this was just another way that they established that. Duly noted that white people aren’t always wrong when it comes to race. Issa’s attitude doesn’t sit well with Frida.

Multicultural Silicon Valley start up, aka Lawrence’s computery job. It looks like he’s wearing one of those Untuck It shirts. Tangent. I went out with this guy who was born in the 70s because he started hitting on me when I was working on my laptop at Map Room and trying not to cry because I was texting with my new boyfriend-even-though-we’d-been-fucking-for-the-last-three-years-not-as-a-couple because he up and booked a flight for a 10 day trip to Costa Rica and didn’t tell me about it til afterward. I was two La Fin du Mondes in already and when I went to close out, the random man offered to buy me another, apparently not noticing my teary eyes. Anyway, because he was born in the 70s, he was particularly preoccupied with anything young and trendy, and frequently mentioned his Untuck It shirts to me. Granted they do look expensive and well made in real life. But they’re also just regular fucking shirts that charge a 300% premium because they cut them slightly shorter so that you don’t have to… guess what… tuck them in. I’ve literally only ever seen or heard of these shirts due to advertisements during daytime CNN or MSNBC viewing so like… who’s supposed to be impressed by this?

Anyway, The Generic White Guy is obnoxiously eating snack food made from crickets, and Lawrence is talking about his trip to Phuket, so we get the full range of lovely diversity at work in this cool, trendy environment. Apparently the ethnic girl next to Lawrence slept with Corny Colin, which the blonde teases her about. Ethnic Girl is not amused by it. The group discusses a company social, but Lawrence can’t go because he “promised someone he’d pick up some chairs.” So he’s going to go to Tasha’s family bbq after all. The group clearly regards Lawrence as a trendsetter amongst what’s hot and what’s not - a distinction I feel that certain types of black people, in certain environments, are relegated to simply because black culture is presumed to be cooler than the other prevailing cultures - and everyone is disappointed that he will not be going.

Loading dock. Molly is wearing a fabulous black skirt suit with leather trimmed lapels. She’s on the phone with her mom about the vow renewal thing her parents keep bugging her about. A worker comes out with her bookcase and assumes the random black man standing nearby is there with her. He asks if he should hand it over and everyone looks at each other, blanketed by the wrongness of the assumptions all around. Molly scoffs that she’s not with him, and makes to pick up the bookcase by herself.

Yes, it is exactly as absurd as you’d think it would be, and two things. Motherfuck this whole concept where black women aren’t allowed or should be or expected to be the normal amount of “feminine” granted to every other woman. I had this epiphany somewhere not long after high school when I realized how panicked and backed up against the wall I felt that my natural inclination was to resist any kind of vulnerability and the realization that I didn’t want to have to be “strong” all the time. That wasn’t going to work for me. I am damsel in distress all the time. You will stop when I cross the street, even if I’m timing it wrong with the stop signs - when I politely give you the right of way, you will insist I cross instead. You will pause to let me pass and open doors when I do. You will push my car out of the snow. You will offer to carry the leftovers from the restaurant. I dated a guy who insisted on walking down the stairs in front of me when I was wearing high heels, just in case I tripped. Point being, with regards to this scene, I wouldn’t have lifted that shit. I wouldn’t have carried shit. I would have been pointedly unable to carry that box. I’d have stood there for a half hour if that’s as long as it took for someone to offer to carry the box for me. But it wouldn’t have. When you behave with the expectation that you are a woman and you expect to be treated like a woman, something kinda funny happens… people treat you like a delicate woman. It doesn’t escape my notice that the black man the worker assumed was there for Molly is there with a white woman, whose boxes he handily carries, while Molly struggles absurdly with the bulky oblong in her five inch heels down a flight of stairs. No ma'am. Later for “strong black womanhood,” in this physical sense at any rate.

Molly’s fantastic apartment. She’s telling Issa she’s putting her therapy on hold until she finds another therapist. Naturally, therapy was hitting too close to home, so Molly’s instinct was to run from the truth. They are trying to put together this Ikea ass bookcase (related to my previous tangent, whenever I need this kind of manly work done, I outsource it now. Task Rabbit is an app, y'all. That’s what it’s for. It’s not as solid a solution as having an actual man around or anything, but on some level I simply refuse to become a handyman myself just out of sheer principle. You will not deny me my femininity this way, it is a political issue at this point to me.)

Anyway, Molly is bitching about the therapist trying to get too close “just because we both got brown titties.” Issa abides this silently. I can’t believe they unironically drink Carlo Rossi. I remember being a kid and trying to learn about this kind of stuff and making a note from, of all places, an episode of Intervention about what kinds of wine people actually drink. Haha! (And yes, it was the huge gallon jug of Carlo Rossi.) Issa encourages Molly to keep looking for a new therapist, which Molly flips back on Issa regarding not finding a new Lawrence either.

Issa recounts how she couldn’t do casual sex because she was too stuck in her own head. I’m so glad this has never been a problem for me LOL. I don’t even know what my social life would be like if I had a hang up about this issue. They decide they should be doing their “ho phase” together - but then Issa met Lawrence and he “made [her] fall in love with him and shit.” Issa wants to get on Team Fuck Love, and asks Molly “can you teach me how to ho?” “Bitch that’s rude… and yes,” Molly replies.

Late night spot. Issa is wearing a ridiculous outfit as she ridicules the other thirsty women in the spot that are there for an apparently different kind of thirst than the one she is. Seriously, what were we supposed to think about this outfit?

Baby, no. Especially as a woman walks past wearing the exact same bad dress. She’s also wearing what I’m sure are an expensive pair of espadrilles, but they are wedge espadrilles, with a red floral print. Plainly, that outfit is ridiculous. Issa suggests a vacation to somewhere where they’ll be exotic. Molly doesn’t care, and seems very underwhelmed by the night.

Issa is chatting with some guy, making awkward double entendres and sexual innuendos. The guy is not amused and flat out walks away from her mid conversation. The next guy at the bar keeps peeling his eyes around at everything else but Issa, finally admitting that he’s only talking to her because his friend wanted to talk to Molly. Issa is the grenade. Dayuuuuum, bro. “Do you have any other friends?” he asks, which Issa doesn’t dignify with a response.

Molly is talking to Sterling K Brown and is still underwhelmed with the night - the way his friend was only talking to Issa, she’s only talking to him. He asks for her number and Molly coolly hands him her business card. She joins Issa at the bar, who has given up on the night and ordered a plate of wings. I get it. There’s only so much humiliation you can take when you put yourself out there to pick up a random at the bar. Hell, at least Issa has a friend with her while she does it.

Tasha’s house. Tasha is in bed with Lawrence with her hair wrapped gossiping about tv shows. Lawrence tries to distract her and get amorous but Tasha isn’t interested in going there. She pushes Lawrence away and we are treated to more of the show-within-a-show.

Back at the Dune’s, Issa (in her middle-of-the-bed pillow) can’t sleep so she pulls out her vibrator. The battery dies and she spends like ten minutes walking around the apartment looking for new batteries. And, why don’t you have a magic wand? True story: I held off buying any kind of sex toys because I never had any and it made me have to seek out men if I wanted to have a sexual encounter; I (it turned out, rightly) figured that if I had any sex toys it would discourage and demotivate me from meeting actual men. Guess what… I was completely correct, and my love life took a marked down turn the same year I bought a magic wand of my own. Could have been timing, coincidence, I don’t know, but it was interesting. I have since incorporated it into my regular sex life. (My boyfriend-that-I-loved-so-much-I-was-always-crying was amused the first time I used it with him, calling it “violent” and “over the top” because I was “loud” and it “plugged into the wall.” lol. I did nothing but laugh and concede the point, because he was right. But in other news, fun fact: it also works on men, so if you are hooking up with someone that you don’t actually want to have sex with, everyone can have an orgasm with no intercourse whatsoever.)

There are a few scenes about Molly’s being underpaid and Issa missing the discrimination that I’m going to skip because the point has been made already.

Lunch. Molly is on a date with Sterling K Brown. He’s showing her pictures of his niece on his phone, because he’s a Good Black Man looking for a Good Black Woman. Actually, given the champagne flute and the bottle on the table I’m going to assume this is brunch (mimosas, you see). Sterling K Brown is wearing an interesting outfit, what says the tribunal?

This rote-date-conversation centers around the fact that they both have ticking biological clocks, and that Sterling K Brown is not being at all ambiguous about his intentions. Molly seems uncomfortable, and isn’t following this conversation as well as a woman would be if she were truly interested. I gotta say, Sterling K Brown comes off as a LITTLE thirsty… but, considering Molly really does the most when it comes to choosing a man, like… you can’t empathize with her at all. Do we know this, do viewers know this? Molly is wrong and ridiculous and has no clue what she is doing, and her choosing criteria is wildly outdated, immature, and foolish. Like, there is no shrewdness to her relationship behavior at all. She is doing nothing that would prove to be in her best interests or better her life circumstances at all, even if it were just casually dating a potential husband so that you have that back up available when things aren’t going well. This is the kind of thing I might of done before I realized it may be an actual real possibility that I actually might not find the husband I wanted some day.

California Family Cookout. There’s ribs, there’s dominoes. You feel right at home. Lawrence shows up in some hipster ass shirt, carrying chairs as promised. Tasha is wearing a lime green midi dress with scribbled print and a lopsided sew in. It works, as long as you don’t pause at the wrong moment. Why am I hating on both their outfits? Let’s move on. Tasha’s relatives line up to get a good look at Lawrence and he is clearly there in a capacity of Tasha’s Man Friend… which he looks decidedly uncomfortable with. Well, what the fuck were you expecting, Lawrence? Why do you think she hedged around inviting you, and made it clear you didn’t have to come?

Lawrence’s coworker texts him, and he decides to take it as an out, telling Tasha he’ll be right back. “Oh… ok,” she says. Damn. Again, people were furious over the “thirsty” character of Tasha. Meanwhile I’m just over here wondering why fellow black women didn’t have more sympathy for her flexibility. Some of the time when I peek back into conversations in The Community, I am reminded of all kinds of toxic shit I used to feel and believe when I was younger that I eventually had to unlearn in the interests of any kind of healthy interpersonal life. She cheerfully says she’ll see him later, and he leaves.

Molly is at a cupcake shop - those are a thing, y'all, and why? I live near one that granted, makes delicious cupcakes, but they cost like fucking four and a half dollars for one REGULAR SIZE muffin tin mold cupcake! Funnily enough, they are actually named “Molly’s Cupcakes.” Someone calls out that they will pay for her cupcakes, and it appears to be someone Molly knows:

A guy named Dro and his ostensible wife, who playfully criticizes Molly’s insistence on wearing “ugly” dark colors - it’s a black greek thing. (The wife is Delta, which I presume makes Molly AKA). The married couple set up the plot for next week’s episode, expositing that they are in town for the Kiss n Grind party. It’s clear that Molly knows Dro from way back, and the wife is newer.

Dunes. Issa has decided to paint over her burnt wall. She’s typically spastic at it, dripping paint everywhere and making a mess. While cleaning off the roller, she spots Mickey Bighead lounging by the pool and is apparently attracted by what she sees. Molly calls; Issa notes her “high pitched fakeness” as she describes the date with Sterling K Brown: although there is clearly nothing wrong with him it’s obvious to the both of them that Molly just isn’t into it. For SOME reason. And this is the thing that is frustrating about Molly… there’s never any legitimate or tangible reason why she has no interest in normal men and normal relationships, or why she brushes off scenarios that would be good for her. Like, what is she looking for instead? What’s wrong with Sterling K Brown? Why would she not be interested in him? There are no red flags - it’s not his looks, it’s not that he’s not a professional peer, it’s not his baggage as he is unmarried with no children. And perhaps that is the point the show is making - that just because she should be interested in him, that doesn’t mean she has to be. In the larger context of women “wanting it all” or “not settling,” the point is valid. But in a practical sense, Molly is being ridiculous and her actions are not justified. This is how bitches end up single til 40 when they wind up marrying a bald janitor in the end anyway, is all I’m saying. Making smart choices don’t always feel like the choices you want to make.

Molly is comparing her lack of interest in Sterling K Brown with the fact that Candace and Dro are happy despite the fact that Dro was a mess and never had a “five year plan.” So I guess that’s what her problem is. She has no idea what will make her happy and is constantly peeking in other peoples’ lives like it will tell her what would work in hers. You can always find a reason why a person is lacking when you compare them to someone else because… people aren’t the same.

Start up Happy Hour. Lawrence shows up and his coworkers are happy to see him. They know the workplace is one big ho fest once enough drinks start flowing. Ethnic Girl is still pointed about regretting hooking up with Generic White Guy. Which, rude.

Issa has painted over her wall, which looks really good. But then she notices she neglected the smoke on the ceiling. Knowing she can’t reach it, she reckons with it and tells it, “you can’t have my joy.” She spots Mickey Bighead going into his apartment and concocts a plan. She pulls out her charger and takes it down to Mickey’s asking whether he left it at her house at her party. He seems momentarily taken aback, but recovers smoothly enough to invite her in.

Start Up Saturday. Lawrence gets a text from Tasha wondering where he is. Ethnic Girl asks what his deal is - and I kind of hate those “work people” that you can tell their primary source of social capital comes from people they meet in and around the work environment. Like other people are wrong for having a life outside of work and are not as immersed as you are. They ask whether Lawrence is single as a waitress comes up to flirt with him. Although Lawrence says he has to take off soon, her overt interest is all it takes for him to stay for a round of shots.

Back at Mickey’s they’re talking about Gossip Girl. Blake Lively is the most generic white woman on the face of the planet. “Yeah, white people,” Mickey says. “There’s so many of them,” Issa adds awkwardly. Lol. Issa daydreams a confidence boost rap to convince herself to make a move: “even if it’s wack, you can still get some head!” Unflattering accidental pause moment:

Issa makes an awkward kiss move, accidentally knocking him in the nose with her forehead. It works anyway, and they start making out. The first time I watched this I was a little annoyed because while I understand Issa’s excitement over her new body, her constantly barely clothed state this season just seems so gratuitous. The fact that I personally don’t like her body type - not to say she hasn’t done a lot of work on it! - mainly just annoyed me. And I don’t enjoy her sex scenes. Molly’s sex scenes and Lawrence’s sex scenes are great. So it’s always kind of a let down when we have to watch Issa have sex. Her bra collection is excellent though, I guess.

Mickey asks if he could titty fuck her, which Issa “respectfully decline[s].” He wants to put her legs over her head, which she is uncomfortable with. Her head is squashed into the headboard and it’s terrible. To her credit, Issa asks to change positions and finds a way that suits her better. He’s wearing white socks. Aw. Flashbacks.

Molly is at home, working with a glass of red. Sterling K Brown invites her to a SZA concert and she declines. He comes back with a dinner invitation which she doesn’t even reply to. Whatever, Molly. But hey, she heard my complaints and hired some random men to put the cabinet together for her! There’s that at least.

Start up Saturday. Everyone’s drunk and Lawrence is explaining the concept of his app to the two girls. What IS “Woot Woot” exactly? Besides the fact that everyone makes fun of him when he talks about it, as far as I can tell it’s some kind of group chat client? Idk. Tasha calls, and Lawrence puts the phone to his ear in the loud bar. Tasha is mildly agitated, asking what happened to him because he never came back; her family members are even now in the background asking about him. He apologizes and says he ended up drinking too much. Tasha says if he didn’t want to come he should have just told her. Lawrence tries to brush it off but then admits he isn’t looking for a serious relationship. Tasha is put out because he ghosted on her in front of her entire family; if he didn’t want a serious thing he shouldn’t have come. He embarrassed her. Lawrence apologizes in a way that still blames it on her: “I know how much you wanted me to be there.” It’s her fault for expecting his intentions to match his behavior, not his fault for not being up front and leading her on. Tasha tells him to stop acting like he gives a fuck about her feelings, because he “fronted like it was [something more], apologizing for shit” he knew he wasn’t sorry for.

Lawrence insists he was being genuine. Tasha: “You’re a fuck nigga. You’re worse than a fuck nigga. You’re a fuck nigga who thinks he’s a good dude.” And she hangs up. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the cultural conundrum facing all of us in this new technologically advanced hook up landscape we are all attempting to navigate. I don’t know how it used to be before Swiper Not Swiping and casual sex became the rule, not the exception, but I also find that men are preoccupied with being “good guys” in a way that belies their shitty behavior; some kind of veneer of honesty and distance that doesn’t quite square with the level of intimacy and acquiescence they are seeking from their partners. Maybe back in the day it was understood you couldn’t get that level of commitment without expressly acknowledging it; I find these days men think they get to have their cake and eat it too on this issue.

Anyway, look at this shit:

Bitch, what are you wearing? Those 1980s Jessie Spano mom jeans. Her name is “Arpana” which leads me to believe she’s supposed to be Indian, but I think in real life her body type would indicate she is something else. She’s probably Latina tbh. (And no I’m not going to google this to find out.) Anyway, Lawrence is laughing off his conversation with Tasha well enough as he rejoins the party.

Back at the Dunes, Issa is sneaking out of Mickey’s apartment. She isn’t quiet enough and he wakes up, offering for her to sleep over. Super generous considering she lives literally right upstairs. As Issa grabs her phone to go, she decides she isn’t actually willing to sacrifice her phone charger for this farce, so she snatches it up too. But not to fear: it turns out Mickey was aware of her ruse the entire time, as his phone has been sitting plugged into his own not-missing charger the whole time. Issa can’t even be mad as she lets out a chuckle and goes. She seems pleased, at least, with this first foray into “honess.”

[karlyhokes]

GENERAL WOMANHOOD:

i ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS IN 1 HOUR AND 19 MINUTES... 

1. Do you like the color pink? No I do Not 2. Did you play with Barbie dolls as a child? YES, I LOVED MY BARBIES 3. How easily do you cry? SEMI EASY 4. What is the silliest thing you’ve ever cried over? FEAR. WHEN I AM REALLY NERVOUS I CRY OVER THE SILLIEST THINGS AND NOT SAYING THAT FEAR IS SILLY BUT IT’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO BECAUSE IF YOU COULD CHANGE IT THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE AFRAID IN THE FIRST PLACE. 5. What food do you eat the most of when you’re sad? I DON’T EAT 6. How moody are you when you are you are on your period? I AM NOT SURE I HAVEN’T HAD A PERIOD IN 5 YEARS DUE TO MY MIRINA. 7. Have you ever thought you were pregnant because your period was late? YES, WITH TORREY I THOUGHT I WAS PREGNANT TWICE AND I WOULD OF PROUDLY HAD AN ABORTION BECAUSE I KNOW HE WOULDN’T HAVE WANTED IT. HE TOLD ME. 8. Have you ever been on the pill? YES I HATED IT. MADE ME FEEL SICK EVERY MORNING 9. Would you ever want to have children someday? YESSSSS, NOW THAT I HAVE THE ONE I LOVE THE MOST. SHE WANTS CHILDREN AND I WANT CHILDREN. MY BIGGEST FEAR WAS THAT I WOULD BRING CHILDREN IN THIS WORLD AND MY SPOUSE WOULD LEAVE ME, CHEAT ON ME, OR SOMETHING STUPID AND HONESTLY!!!! I CAN’T HANDLE THAT AND IT’S NOT FAIR TO THE KIDS. I WAS  A VICTIM OF A BROKEN HOME AND IT BROKE A LOT OF ME… 10. Have you ever given birth? If not, would you ever want to? NO I HAVEN’T BUT I WOULDN’T MIND IT. I PROBABLY WILL CRY THE WHOLE TIME AND HOLLER AND SCREAM I AM NOT SURE LOL. ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WILL BE VERY SCARED.. 11. How good of a cook do you consider yourself? TO BE 22 I HAVEN’T MADE ANYTHING THAT I COULDN’T COOK. 12. What is your favorite thing to cook? SPAGHETTI 13. Can you sew? NO THAT’S WHAT I  HAVE MY DAD FOR AND MY GRANDMA 14. Do you consider yourself a feminist? YES VERY!!! I CAN’T STAND MEN WHO FEEL LIKE WOMEN AREN’T EQUAL TO THEM AND I CAN’T STAND WOMEN WHO FEEL BELOW A MAN… EFF THEM 15. How do you define “girl power?” IF WE PUT OUR MINDS TO IT WE CAN DO ANYTHING A MAN CAN DO. CUT GRASS HELL YEA I CAN GET A TAN WHILE DOING IT, PLANT FLOWERS, COOK, CLEAN, CHANGE A DAMN DIAPER, EVERYTHING. I ALSO BELIEVE A WOMEN WITH POWER IS A WOMEN OF CLASS AND CONFIDENCE. IF YOU LACK EITHER ONE OF THEM YOU DON’T HAVE POWER BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE RUNNING YOUR LIFE, YOU ARE LIVING THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE INSTEAD OF YOUR OWN. IF YOU ARE CONFIDENT BECAUSE OF THE CLOTHES ON YORU BACK OR BECAUSE YOUR “MAN” GIVE YOU MONEY WHEN HE WANTS AND LETS YOU DO STUFF WHEN HE TELLS YOU CAN THEN THAT’S NOT POWER. POWER IS WHEN 2 ADULTS CAN MAKE EXECUTIVE DECISIONS IN 1 HOUSEHOLD, POWER IS WHEN A MOTHER CAN RAISE 5 KIDS ON HER OWN JUST LIKE A MAN SHOULD BE ABLE TOO, POWER IS YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH A GUY TO FEEL ACCOMPLISHED YOU SHOULD BEABLE TO GET OFF BY YOURSELF. THERE’S A LOT OF THINGS TOWARD POWER BUT MOST OF ALL MY FIANCE AND I ARE EQUAL IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND I BELIEVE THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO HEALTHY. 16. Have you ever wished you were born a male? – HELL NO. 17. Breastfeeding or formula? TRY BREASTFEEDING BUT I WILL NOT ONLY NURSE. THEY WILL ALWAYS RECEIVE BREAST MILK UNTIL THEY ARE A YEAR AND A HALF YEARS YOUNG. BUT, THEY WILL BE OFF THE TIT AT 3 MONTHS CONSISTANTLY MEANING IF I AM HOME AND THE FAMILY ISN’T DOING MUCH I WILL NURSE BUT IF WE ARE VISITING FAMILY ETC THEN I WILL PUMP BOTTLES FOR THE MUNCHKIN TO BE FED BY OTHER PEOPLE. AT 6- 9 MONTHS I WILL ONLY NURSE TWICE A DAY AND THE REST WILL BE FROM BOTTLES. I WILL NURSE THEM IN THE MORNING WHEN THEY ARE WAKING UP, AND AT NIGHT BEFORE BED. I PLAN TO STORE MILK (AS MUCH AS I CAN) FOR OUR NEXT BABY WHICH WILL BE IN 2-3 YEARS SO I WILL KEEP IT IN A DEEP FREEZER SO I DON’T HAVE TO PUT MY BREAST THROUGH SO MUCH. 9-18 MONTHS THEY WILL BE NURSED AT NIGHT ONLY AND THEY WILL HAVE A SIPPY CUP OF BREAST MILK FOR BREAKFAST AND FOR LUNCH. SO THAT’S WHAT I PLAN TO DO FOR OUR LITTLE KIDDOS. MY WIFE WILL PROBABLY BE DIFFEERNT. 18. What is your opinion of equal pay? – HELL YEAH WE BOTH WORK EQUALLY SO I SHOULD GET PAID THE SAME WAY AS JOHN DOE 19. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? PRO CHOICE. IF YOU ARE A WHORE AND CONSTANTLY GETTING ABORATIONS THEN YOU NEED TO HAVE A RESTRITION BECAUSE 1. IT’S NOT FAIR TO YOUR SPOUSE ONE DAY WHEN THEY WANT A FAMILY BUT CAN’T HAVE ONE BECAUSE YOU WERE LOVING THE CREW. 2. TO EVERY CHOICE IN LIFE THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES AND SOME GIRLS LIVE BY OH PLEASE DON’T LET ME GET PREGO NOT BITCH YOU NEED TO BE SAYING PLEASE DON’T LET ME GET A STD. PREGO PEOPLE USUALLY IS GOD’S WAY OF SAVING YOU AND TRYING TO GET YOU TO CALM DOWN. BUT, IF YOU ARE SICK AND YOU KNOW YOUR BABY WILL BE RETARDED OR DUE TO YOUR ILLNESS IT WILL BE HARMFUL FOR YOUR BABY THEN YOU SHOULD ABORED IT I AM SORRY BUT HEALTH COMES FIRST AND YOU CAN ALWAYS RETRY. SO TO ME IT’S CHOICE BUT ALSO BASED ON CIRCUMSTANCES. 20. Have you ever experienced any sexism? If so, please explain. – Have I? OH YES I GET IT ALL THE TIME. I LEFT MY LAST JOB BECAUSE OF A MAN RUBBING HIS PENISE WHILE LOOKING AT ME DURING MEETING. LIKE UHHHHHH IT PISSES ME OFF SO PLEASE KNOW I HAVE. HE TOLD ME YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN MY HOUSE BITCH SINCE YOU ARE BIRACIAL AND HE SAID HE WOULD SLEEP WITH ME EVERY SINGLE NIGHT UNTIL I GAVE HIM BROWN BABIES AND ONCE I WOULD DELIVERY HE WOULD EJACULATE IN ME AGAIN. UM NO SIR. THANK’S THOUGH. 21. What is one thing about women you think most men don’t know? HOW EMOTIONALL FUCKED UP THEY ARE… HE’S SO SAD BECAUSE GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND BUT I BELIEVE THEY DON’T UNDER BECAUSE THEY HONESLTY DON’T KNOW. 22. Complete this phrase: I’m so glad I’m a woman because I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM FULL, I AM FREE, AND BECAUSE I AM HAPPY. LIFE EXPERIENCES: 23. Have you ever been a Girl Scout? –MY MOM LIVED BY GIRL SCOUTS 24. Have you ever been a ballerina?YES I DANCED FOR 19 YEARS AND 16 OUT OF THE 19 YEARS I WAS A COMPETITOR. IT WAS REQUIRED TO DO BALLE WHILE COMPETING. 25. Have you ever been a cheerleader?YES THROUGH COLLEGE, THE BEST EXPERIENCE. 26. Were you ever voted as a homecoming or prom queen? –HOMECOMING I WAS NOMINATED TWICE BUT NEVER GOT IT. I WENT TO A MONEY HUNGRY HIGH SCHOOL SO IF YOU DIDN’T COME FROM MONEY THEN YOU DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING. I ALSO COMPETITED IN PAGEANTS THROUGH MY LIFE AND I WOULD WIN LIKE MISS. SOUTH CAROLINA ETC BUT WHEN I COMPETED IN HIGH SCHOOL I NEVER WON BECAUSE EMMA WEBB’S PARENTS WERE IN THE PTA AND THEY WOULD BUY HER OUT SO SHE COULD WIN. I SWEAR I HATE POOR LOOSERS. HOW DO I KNOW THIS STUFF? UMM I WAS GREAT FRIENDS WITH 1 OF THE JUDGES AND THEY SHOWED ME MY SCORES AND THEY WERE 5 POINTS HIGHER THEN EMMAS. 27. Have you ever hosted a sleepover?MATTER OF FACT I AM HOSTING ONE TONIGHT AND TOMORROW NIGHT. UH I AM GOING TO BE TIRED. BUT IT WILL BE FUN 28. Do you belong to a sorority?HELL NO, I AM NOT PARTICIPATED IN A GROUP OF GIRLS WHO I HAVE TO PAY TO BE MY FRIEND 29. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal?YES I STILL DO CURRENTLY INSTEAD OF IT BEING MY JOURNAL IT’S MY PERSONAL GROWTH DIARY 30. American ladies: did you vote for Hillary Clinton?YES I DID BUT IT’S NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS A WOMEN. I DIDN’T WANT D. TRUMP TO BE PRESIDENT BUT WE DON’T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT. PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: 31. What is the longest your hair has ever been? –THE LENGTH IT IS RIGHT NOW. PAST MY BRA. I AM GOING TO SEE HOW LONG IT GETS BY THANKSGIVING AND THEN MY BIRTHDAY AND IF IT’S LONG ENOUGH I AM GOING TO GET LAYERS PUT IN IT. 32. Have you ever cut your hair super short?THE SHORTEST I HAVE EVER CUT MY HAIR, IS TO MY SHOULDERS AND I CUT 7 INCHES OFF OF MY HAIR. 33. What hairstyle do you wear the most? –CURLY I WEAR IT UP IN A BUN IF IT’S STRAIGHT I WEAR IT DOWN 34. Have you ever dyed your hair? –NOPE MY HAIR NATURALLY CHANGES COLORS DUE TO THE WEATHER. WINTER IT’S DARK DARK BROWN, FALL IT’S SANDY BLONDISH BROWN, SUMMER IT’S REALLY LIGHT BROWN LIKE REALLY LIGHT, AND SPRING IT’S SANDY BLONDISH BROWN. SO THERE’S NO NEED FOR DYE. 35. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed?WHAT I WEIGH NOW 148. UHHH I AM GOING TO START RUNNING AGAIN. BACK TO THE GYM I GO NEXT WEEK. 36. How muscular are you? –I HAVE FORM IN MY ARMS AND LEGS. I HAVE 21% BODY FAT WHICH THEY SAY IS GOOD. 37. Are your ears pierced? -YES 38. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your ears?YES BELLY BUTTON 39. Do you have any tattoos? If so, of what and where? –NOPE – IDK IF I WANT ANY EITHER 40. How often do you wear lipstick or lipgloss? –ABOUT 2- 3 TIMES A WEEK DEPENDS ON HOW BUSY MY WEEK IS 41. How often do you paint your nails? –Never! I get my nails done once a month 42. Have you ever worn any fake eyelashes or fake nails? –FAKE EYELASHES YES BUT THEY ARE A PAIN SO I HATE WEARING THEM. FAKE NAILS NOPE! I GET POWDER OVER THE TOP OF MY REAL NAILS AND THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. 43. How often do you shave/wax your legs? –ONCE A WEEK – SHAVE I DO NOT WAX BECAUSE I AM NOT THAT HAIRY 44. How white are your teeth? –SEMI WHITE I NEED TO BLEACH THEM THIS WEEKEND 45. What do you think is your best physical feature? –MY CURVY BODY AND MY LIPS 46. What do you think is your worst physical feature? –I STRONGLY DISLIKE MY THIGHS 47. Do you have a “look” (i.e. a mad/annoyed/upset stare)? –YES I HAVE A MAD LOOK 48. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions? – THAT’S ALL I DO FASHION STYLE: 49. What is your favorite fashion brand? –ANYTHING JESSICA SIMPSON OR JENNIFER LOPEZ 50. Do you wear skirts and dresses at all? If so, how often? –YES ABOUT ONCE A WEEK 51. What is your dress size? -4 52. Do you wear any high heels or stilettos at all? If so, how often?2-3 TIMES A WEEK 53. Have you ever worn high heels casually? YES LOVE IT 54. How often do you wear a bra?EVERYWHERE 55. Does it matter if your bra and panties match or not?NOPE UNLESS I AM GETTING BUSY 56. Which are you more likely to go without: a bra or panties?PANTIES 57. How much of your underwear is white?ABOUT ½ I LOVE WHITE 58. Have you ever worn a skirt or a dress without any panties underneath?NOPE 59. What is the shortest length of skirts and dresses you are comfortable wearing? –Mid thigh 60. How expensive was your prom dress? –CHEAPEST DRESS I’VE EVER OWNED. 61. What clothing item do you own the most of (if shirts, be specific to what kind)?MISS ME JEANS 62. How much jewelry do you typically wear? –WATCH, 3 PANDORA BRACELTS, 1 DECORATIVE NECKLACE, MY CROSS NECKLACE & MY ENGAGEMENT RING 63. How much makeup do you typically wear? –EYE SHADOW, BRONZER, AND MASCARA WITH LIPSTICK 64. Do you like eyeshadow?  -NAKED BABY 65. Do you carry a purse? -YES 66. What is your preferred way to carry a purse: In your hand, on your elbow, or on your elbow?ELBOW OR SHOULDER 67. How big is your closet? –ROOM SIZE 68. Have you ever looked through your closet an thought “I have nothing to wear”?ALL THE TIME 69. Have you ever worn the same outfit more than once? –DON’T LIKE TO BUT I BELIEVE I HAVE 70. One-piece swimsuits or bikinis? –I LIKE BOTH 71. Have you ever worn a mismatched bikini?YES 72. Do you like tube and halter tops-YES 73. Do you like crop tops? -NOPE 74. Are you comfortable showing off a little cleavage?HELL YES THAT’S SEXY WEDDING CRAZE: 75. Have you ever been a bridesmaid?NOPE 76. Would you ever want to get married?YES AFTER I AM 25 77. For how long have you thought about your wedding?NOW 3 MONTHS 78. How much of your wedding do you already have planned out?COLORS, USHERS, BRIDESMEN, LOCATION STATE, A LOT OF IT. 79. Indoor or outdoor wedding?OUTDOORS 80. Would you want to have a lot of bridesmaids or just a couple?A LOT DATING & RELATIONSHIPS: 81. What is your current relationship status?ENGAGED 82. Do you consider yourself a hopeless romantic?NO I DON’T 83. Are you a virgin? If not, which gender did you lose your virginity to?NOPE – TECHNICALLY I LOST IT TO BOTH GENDERS. A MAN AND A WOMEN A FEW YEARS LATER. 84. What personality trait are you most attracted to?CONFIDENT, JOCK, BUT FUN 85. Have you ever been on a blind date?NO I THINK IT WOULD BE FUN 86. Has anyone ever tried to set you up on a date?YES AND IT DIDN’T WORK I AM TYPE A PERSONALITY 87. Do you kiss on a first date?NOPE 88. How often do guys hit on you?ALL THE TIME 89. Have you ever kissed another woman? If so, did you like it?JUST SHELBY 90. Have you ever dated another woman?JUST SHELBY 91. Is sex before marriage wrong?NOT IN MY OPINION. 92. After how long would you start to consider a relationship to be serious?FROM DAY 1, BUT PROBABLY MOVING TOWARD THE NEXT STEP SUCH AS LIVING TOGETHER AT THE 2 YEAR MARK. 93. Would you rather your lover give you chocolate or flowers?NEITHER ENTERTAINMENT: 94. What celebrity do you most admire?JENNIFER LOPEZ. 95. Do you like romantic comedies? Any favorites? -NOPE 96. Do you have a favorite romantic movie? –YES PRETTY WOMEN 97. Who is your favorite Disney princess? –BELLE FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST 98. What is your favorite Disney song? –BEUATY AND THE BEAST SOUND TRACK 99. Do you watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? –I SHOULD 100. Have you ever watched Sex & The City? –OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW – MY FAVORITE SHOW/ MOVIES 101. Have you ever watched any shows such as Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model?NOPE 102. Do you read romantic novels? If so, do you have any recommendations?NICKOLAS SPARKS 103. Beyonce or Taylor Swift? –I LIKE BOTH BUT I WOULD GO WITH BEYONCE 104. Oprah Winfrey or Ellen DeGeneres? –ELLEN ALL DAY….. A PILE OF RANDOMNESS: 105. Are you named after anyone?NOPE 106. How many male friends do you have?USE TO HAVE LIKE 15 NOW I HAVE NONE 107. Have you ever called your female friends your girlfriends? -1 108. Have you ever called a non-lover a term such as honey, dear, babe, or darling?YES 109. Have you ever dotted your I’s with a heart or a smiley face?WHEN I WAS YOUNGER 110. How many items do you own that are of a floral print design?HARDLY ANY 111. Name five things you always have in your purse.DEBIT CARD, CREDIT CARD, LOTION, HAND SANITIZER, LIP BALM, & A HAIR TIE 112. Have you ever lost anything inside your purse?LOOSE MONEY 113. Have you ever carried a spare pair of underwear with you in your purse?NO 114. What is the most amount of money you’ve ever spent in one single shopping trip?$1000 115. Do you consider shopping a sport?I DO BECAUSE I SWEAT, RACE, AND COMPETE FOR THE BEST SALES 116. Have you ever used your cleavage or a bra as a purse? -NO 117. Coffee or tea?I EQUALLY LIKE BOTH BUT TEA PLEASE UNLESS IT’S STARBUCKS THEN COFFEE 118. Can you do the splits?YES- LEFT RIGHT AND MIDDLE 119. Do you do any yoga?YES ONCE A WEEK 120. Have you ever been told that to have cute handwriting?ALL THE TIME 121. How well can you write in cursive?SEMI GOOD 122. Have you ever successfully been on a diet?NOPE BC THEY ARE UNHEALTHY FOR YOU. I EAT CLEAN ALL THE TIME 123. Do you or have you ever belonged to a book club?YES 124. Have you ever talked yourself out of a driving ticket by using your looks?NOPE 125. Have you ever drank a non-alcoholic beverage out of a wine glass?WELCHES GRAPE JUICE IS THE BEST THAT WAY 126. Showers or baths?BUBBLE BATH 127. Have you ever tried using a toilet while standing up? YES I HAVE GREAT AIM 128. Have you ever been considered the mother of your group of friends?ALL THE TIME 129. Do you own any sex toys?YES ABOUT 20 RATINGS: 130. From 1-10, how feminine do you consider yourself?8 131. From 1-10, how much are you like your mother?8 132. From 1-10, how much do you look like your mother?9 133. From 1-10, how much are you like your father? 8 134. From 1-10, how polite are you?10 135. From 1-10, how cute do you consider your laugh?1 136. From 1-10, how strict are you about manners?9.5 137. From 1-10, how much of a neat freak are you?6 138. From 1-10, how much of a hopeless romantic are you?4.5 139. From 1- 10, how healthy do you eat?8.8 140. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays?10

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[theadventuresofhelena]

Cambodia

So, it’s safe to say that Allison and I passed out on the plane ride from Viet Nam to Cambodia. It was short, only about 45 minutes, but we were happy we got to sleep on the bus rides that day and the planes. We definitely had made the most of the day and night prior in Viet Nam and felt like we didn’t miss anything during Cambodia, so that was really awesome! We landed in Phnom Penh and headed straight to an orphanage. One thing that did sort of suck was my voice still hadn’t fully recovered so I had lost it again. So when we got to the orphanage I basically had to follow Allison around while she spoke with the kids because I couldn’t speak for myself. I definitely was bummed that I couldn’t speak, but I still got to meet with a lot of the kids and they were all so wonderful. It feels weird to call the kids because in reality, they were teenagers, almost adults. The guy we got to speak with the most, he was eighteen years old. And the other kids we were with were anywhere from 13-18 years old, so there were no babies or toddlers, they were much older than I imagined them being. I’ve always wanted to adopt since I was young, so coming here was tough. Seeing their living conditions and their positive attitudes around us was heartbreaking for me. I still haven’t quite fully digested it, it will take me a while, but I’m so incredibly happy that I got to meet these people. They were all so lovely and sweet. We didn’t get to stay for long which was really unfortunate, but we got to play games with them and just talk about anything and everything so by the time we had to leave, it was hard to say goodbye. We all took a big group photo and then said our own personal goodbyes. Next, we had lunch briefly at a restaurant. The restaurant was absolutely beautiful and jungle-themed. We got to eat a little bit of everything, it was awesome! They brought out a bunch of different things for us to try, it was like a buffet style but little servings of everything. After we ate we went to the Toul Sleng Museum and Cheung Ek Killing Fields (The first day had a lot of tough things to see and experience). The museum was horrifying. I can’t even explain what happened there, it was so recent in our history, too. There were faces of all the prisoners who came there to be executed (there were hundreds of thousands of them all along boards in about 5 different rooms) and there was one in particular that I will never forget because his facial expression was the most pure form of fear I have ever seen. That was all you could see in this photo of this man. The killings fields weren’t any better, there is a small-temple like building in the front center of the killing fields that has a very large glass container that contains skulls. Within the container they have different sections for male, female, and infant/child skulls and different areas for people who had been killed with different weapons such as knives, guns, spears, and much, much more. It was a lot to take in just in general, but especially in one day. However, we ended the day lightly by taking a small boat cruise along the Tonle Sap river during sunset. It was actually an insanely beautiful sunset and it was a nice place to be to reflect on everything we had seen. Our tour guide for the day, Red, was with us as well, and on the bus ride to the river he told us his story of him growing up and everything he had gone through. It was unfathomable what he had been through and it was incredible what he has recovered from so I thanked him for telling us his story because he didn’t have to do that at all. This first day in Cambodia made a great impact on me, personally. It really made me check myself and all my privileges. We walked back to the bus after the boat cruise and went to go eat dinner. We ate at one of the most beautiful restaurants I have ever been to. We were out on a deck that was lit up with christmas lights wrapped around poles and this restaurant was also had a jungle theme so there were plants everywhere, it was freakin magical. Allison and I sat across from two girls we had yet to really meet. So while we were eating dinner, we talked with them and got to know them a bit better. But soon they found out about the wifi and they got onto it and it quickly turned to a one on one conversation with Allison. I didn’t mind though, we both didn’t really want to get on the wifi because we felt that it would ruin the experience. So we stayed off of it and just had a really amazing conversation. We talked about what we saw today but also about random things. That night was probably one of my favorite moments on this trip so far, it was just so nice to feel so in the moment of where I was and what i was doing and be doing it with a really good friend. We left the restaurant and went to our hotel and I was roommates with a girl named Chelsea. She was really cool and I had never really seen her around the ship before so I was excited to be able to meet someone new! We both took showers and fell asleep immediately. We got up the next morning I think around 5:30 or 6am to get the free breakfast and check out. We took the bus to the National Museum where we stayed and got a tour from Red about the different god and goddess statues as well as the pieces of Angkor Wat that were being displayed. After the museum we were headed to the airport to get to Siem Reap, Cambodia! Once we got to Siem Reap we went straight to a Woman’s school. That was probably one of my favorite things I got to do. I met so many wonderful girls who were just so sweet and kind and I had gotten my voice back a little bit so i actually got to talk with them and I added a few of them on Facebook as well! The man who started this school for women is in the process of creating an internship for native English speakers to come and teach English here and I was like whaaaaat that’s basically what I want to do for the rest of my life plz take me! So that was REALLY awesome that I got to talk with him and have this as a possibility for the nearby future. Saying goodbye to them was really hard, but it was nice knowing that I would be able to add them on Facebook later when I had service. That night we had to ourselves, so we just checked into our hotel and then all decided to meet in the lobby at 6:30pm to go get dinner and explore the town. We left and got tuk-tuks (rickshaws) to the night market where we walked around and did some random shopping before eating dinner. Allison and I passed by one of the tanks that carry the fish in them that take the dead skin off of your feet and we both had always wanted to try it but were too cheap of people to pay for it, but at the night market a guy had it for about 2 dollars a person for an unlimited amount of time. It’s the cheapest price either of us had seen, so we knew we had to do it. The only weird thing was that these fish were slightly larger than what I’ve seen before but we figured it would be fine so we paid the guy and slowly dipped our feet in there. And let me tell you, it was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt! It tickled SO much! We asked the guy to take pictures of us and we got some good ones so I will definitely add them because they are hilarious. It takes a while to get use to the feeling too, but after a few minutes you finally get use to it. We were there for a good while and our feet were so dirty because we had been on them the past 3 days in dust and dirt so the fish had a lot to work with to say the least. When we finally decided to get out, we could definitely tell a difference with our feet, they were a lot softer! It was pretty cool. We gathered everyone up and headed over to Pub Street to find a restaurant. Siem Reap is a fairly small town and travelers come here to see Angkor Wat so the Pub Street is filled with backpackers and travelers; aka a lot of fun. We walked all the way down the street trying to find a place that all of us would want to eat at. The people we were with wanted American food, but Allison and I were looking for more of Cambodian food. We found a restaurant that had both so everyone was happy with that and we sat down and ate. We were sitting next to this woman named Michelle and she was a hoot and a half. She was so funny and she ordered a barbecue crocodile pizza, so obviously we all had to try it. And the rumor is right-it tastes like chicken! It was really good actually so I pigged out and ate my spring rolls, noodles with chicken and vegetables, I think I had one and a half slices of her pizza, a chocolate milkshake, 2 beers, and ice cream for dessert. For all of you wondering, no I have not gained weight! But I was slightly shocked at my body for being able to eat all of that, for sure. Afterwards the group split up and we all agreed to meet at a bar called Angkor What? Allison, Michelle, and I went on the hunt for weird foods. Michelle said she had to eat a tarantula and we fully supported that decision so we walked along the streets and it took a good 0.5 seconds to run into a stand that was selling tarantulas, scorpions, and small red snakes to eat. Michelle got the tarantula and Allison got a scorpion, and I ate their weird foods and didn’t get my own. I highly do not recommend any of them lol they were all pretty gross and didn’t taste like really anything. But I only tried a tarantula leg and not the body so I could be mistaken on the not tasting like anything part. What I had was just crunchy! Pub Street is so much fun just to walk down because they have small little carts that are all blaring their own music and selling shots, cocktails, and beers all for dirt cheap. It was amazing! We danced from cart to cart all the way back to the Angkor What? bar, where we all took a shot together and then headed across the street to dance at this one club. We ran into some other SASers who were on our Cambodia trip so we were with them for bit, but we had a very early morning of watching the sunrise at Angkor Wat so we were back in the hotel and in bed by 12am. We woke up at 4:30am and met in the lobby at 5, then we all took tuk-tuks to the ticket office where we had to get a photo taken of us and then our ticket for the day. We got back in the tuk-tuks and were headed to Angkor Wat! We entered through the west gate which was less popular so at first we are thinking wow, we came at a great time there is no one here! But it turns out we came from the back side so we had to walk around to the front and in the front there were at least one hundred people waiting for the sunrise just like us so once we saw that we were like oh just kidding. Angkor Wat honestly just blew me away, it was insanely huge, we probably could’ve spent half of a day walking around this site alone. We got about 3 hours there so that was nice, but of course, it seems we are always running out of time. In the beginning of our 3 hours we sat on the lawn in the front near the pond and watched the sunrise. It was absolutely breathtaking. It’s hard to put into words everything I was feeling and experiencing, I don’t think I have ever felt more alive and free than in that moment. And being there with a friend and just taking it all in, was unbelievable. After the sun had risen a decent amount, we decided to do some of our own exploring and walked into it. The structure itself was insane, we were told it took about 40 years to build and people worked on it everyday and they had elephants to help them. The sheer size of it is mind blowing but all the intricate work on each piece of stone was just insane and it’s all hand carved and built-ah it’s just crazy to see something like this in person. The photos don’t do it justice. (but when do they ever do honestly?) We met back at our meeting spot and had our tour guide take us through a little bit to give us some more information on it, but soon we were on our way out of the site and onto the next! We went to the site that has the trees coming out of the building and that was so amazing to see in person as well, the trees are so tall and heavy-looking we couldn’t really fathom how the building was holding them up. Unfortunately the sun wasn’t in the right position so the pictures aren’t that great but I’ll post them anyways so you guys can see them! After this site we went to one more temple that was really freaking cool because you were allowed to climb to the top of them by climbing very old scary steep staircase- so obviously we did that. Going down was a lot scarier than coming up though, it was nearly a straight drop down! But everyone survived and no one was injured and then we went to the bigger part of the temple and explored around there for a bit. But soon our time was up and we had to make our way back to the airport to go back to Viet Nam.