#i love this show so much i have sm thoughts some of them are coherent

[catguangcorner]

autism goes crazy i love keeping notes as i rewatch we've graduated from my notes app to a google doc im thinking of colour coding it and adding a little episode summaries on top it's like my own personal deranged slightly incoherent wiki

[andre-and-cal]

freaky headcanons now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 𝓓𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 Caldre Headcanons :3

GUYS LMK IF YOU WANT TOP CAL & BOTTOM ANDRE HEADCANONS NEXT cuz I have sm ideas for those but I’m too shy to do it without an ask ngl so Plsplspls lmk !! 🙏🙏

These were long overdue I’m sawry I’m a #slacker… more headcanons coming soon heh zeroplan I see yew…

But uhHh here r my headcanons yippee I wanna incorporate these into my fics >_<

NSFW

Top Andre, Bottom Cal

Andre has a habit of slapping a hand over Cal’s mouth and muffling his moans, especially when he’s doing him from behind in a risky environment. He’ll have one hand on his mouth, and the other on his crotch, whispering “Shhh, shhhh, shut the fuck up,” in his ear while pounding into him relentlessly. It gives Andre a rush whenever he hears Cal’s noises get all muffled against the palm of his hand, and to feel the moisture of his lips pressing against his skin and Cal’s hot, wet, shaky breaths of air fanning into his hand.

Calvin secretly used to fingerfuck himself and imagine that it was Andre’s fingers. Whenever he’d smuggle porno tapes at the store— gay porno— he’d slip a finger or two inside his ass and envision Andre in between his legs and doing it for him. But the first time he decided to start exploring himself in this way, when he went knuckles deep and finally found his prostate, he came quick, and he experienced a high he never knew was possible. He used to be too embarrassed to admit that he did this, but he no longer needs to because he has Andre to finger him or fuck him instead, just as he’d hoped.

Andre was very careful the first time he and Cal had sex, when he took Cal’s virginity. He didn’t want to hurt him, and he was constantly asking him if he was okay. Their first time was slow, but they both savored every moment of it. Andre secretly likes when Cal wants him to go slow, because it gives him a chance to explore Calvin’s body. Calvin goes insane— in a good way, of course— whenever he feels those hands caressing his hips or feeling up his sides and waist and his body as a whole. Calvin feels appreciated and pretty, while not feeling shameful over that fact anymore.

Calvin’s favorite position is doggy style. He really loves the feeling of Andre shoving his face into his pillows, ‘cause Cal always imagines him as like some sergeant in the army, even while feeling his cock sliding in and out of his tightness. Cal will force Andre to wear his dog tag along with him so that it feels more… “army-like” in Cal’s words. Andre makes fun of him for describing it that way though. While he’s into the military as much as Cal is, he doesn’t really show it all too much for fear his parents will get suspicious of their Zero Day plans, so he forces Cal to tone it down as well.

Andre allows himself to be vulnerable around Calvin. But only really when Cal’s asleep, drunk, or high, at least. During aftercare, sometimes when Cal’s half-asleep and drifting off into slumberland, Andre will mumble into Cal’s shoulder— if he’s spooning him that time— about how he’s gonna miss him if push comes to shove with Zero Day. It’s a brief, rare moment of “weakness” for Andre, but he does like to speak fondly of Cal whenever they’re alone together, where no one can disturb them or anything. Now, going back to my point, Andre never knew that they were going to be shooting themselves together on Zero Day rather than going through with the initial plans. Rather, he fully expected them to be able to go through with the plans of escaping in his car, but a tiny part of him knew they were gonna be dead no matter what happened. He never liked to admit this to himself though, remaining in denial about the recklessness of the whole “getaway” thing. Either way, he half-hopes that Cal hears and knows that he’ll always love him, no matter what happens with Zero Day. And on Zero Day, prior to ending his life alongside Calvin after the shooting, his last coherent thought was along the lines of how he was going to try to find Cal in the afterlife— or whatever place they both would end up roaming together.

Occasionally, even while Andre’s shoving his shaft balls deep inside his ass— Cal will find the opportunity to piss him off, even through his little whimpers. He’s just like that; Cal’s middle name is practically Sarcastic. His witty nature will piss Andre off sometimes too— especially if it’s a situation where Andre clearly isn’t fucking laughing. While it does prompt him to grow rough with Cal, it turns on the both of them, because they both know Cal only does it to— well, demand without actually demanding for Andre to fuck him harder. Whenever Calvin does say some smartass shit during sex, Andre will go as far as to strangling Cal— especially while they’re doing missionary. It’s easy access to his neck anyway, and also that familiar deep, dark part of Andre gets really turned on by the feeling of Cal’s pulse drumming underneath his fingers. With this, it also helped Andre coin the nickname “punk” and various other insults in German— for Cal.

Calvin is a bit of a risk-taker and has begged Andre to load Milena and have him blow her— loaded. Eventually, after begging one too many times, Andre finally agreed. The day he agreed, Andre made it seem like they were going out to simply shoot guns together to practice for Zero Day, but as soon as he unpacked Milena from his father’s closet as Cal kept on going on about sucking on Milena, he instead turned around and shoved the barrel so far into Calvin’s mouth that it nearly hit his tonsils. And eventually, it did. He’d nudged Cal to the ground with the gun, kneeling over him as he forced him to take the barrel deep in his throat, even when it got too much for Cal and he tried to push on his chest to get him off. Andre didn’t stop until he’d pulled out his own cock from his jeans and jerked himself off, cumming all over Cal’s face and lips. Despite Calvin’s initial resistance as he began to choke on the barrel, he quickly grew hard, so he got himself off shortly after Andre released his load onto his pretty face.

Initially, Andre also felt off-put at the idea of dirty talking, even going on to dislike it. He was determined to stay quiet or hold back any noises and grunts he might make while planning his first time with Cal, a little after they’d started dating. But every time he noticed the drastic increase in the little noises Cal made whenever Andre muttered the occasional, “Shit, mein Schatz— so tight,” ,, “You like that, yeah?” ,, or something of the sort in German, he became more confident to speak like this to Calvin when they’re alone. After developing more of his “dirty-talking skills”, he got into the habit of praising Cal during sex. He goes from genuinely praising him for taking his cock or his fingers up his ass or when he’s fucking the back of Cal’s throat with his member, and then going to tauntingly praising him for being a “big brave boy” whenever Andre’s spanking him or making him take his gun in his mouth.

Whenever Cal and Andre are arguing and it gets real heated and loud between them, if Cal initiates mildly hostile physical contact— such as with pushing, shoving, yelling, or getting all up in Andre’s face, Andre will bounce it right back to him. Andre struggles with his anger a bit more-so than Cal in some ways— so one day he snapped and shoved Cal, to the point where he fell back into his bookcase. Calvin was a little stunned by Andre’s outward expression of aggression toward him, but as soon as he felt a heat coiling in his groin— he knew he wanted more, so he continued taunting Andre until he was ultimately… well— grabbed by the arm and yanked onto the bed. And then things led to another.

Andre never really imagined that he’d be into spanking Cal, but it all begun on a day when they were home alone at Andre’s together, with Cal sitting beside Andre while he played Grand Theft Auto 2 on his PS2. Mel was curled up in Cal’s lap, but eventually got off. After that, Calvin continuously inched closer until he was leaning on Andre’s shoulder, clinging onto his arm. He then began to gently kiss his neck, up to the patch of skin behind his ear, and then to his cheek and jawline. After around a minute of this, with Cal kissing up on him and trying to get him to notice or pay attention to him, Andre got a little fed up, so he gently pushed Cal’s face down into his lap. He pulled Calvin’s pants down and found himself— in the heat of the moment— spanking his backside, ignoring Cal’s yelps and cries due to the repeated stinging pain. Afterward, Cal’s face was all wet with tears and his ass cheeks were bright red. At the sight, Andre felt a little guilty at first, but when he looked down toward Cal’s boxers, he noticed that he fucking came untouched from Andre spanking him alone, so he grabbed Cal by his “pretty boy blond locks” and forced him to look up at him, before leaning down and smothering a kiss onto Cal’s lips.

Calvin, on Andre’s lap, riding him while Andre holds one of his arms and licks along the scars and scabs he has trailing up his forearm. Bucking his hips up into Cal’s rear end, rubbing the head of his cock against his prostate, and encouraging him to keep cutting himself and to engrave his name into his arm, so that people can identify him as having Andre’s name on his arm for when Zero Day arrives. That’s all I need to say. :3

[prince-simon]

holaa

curious fun question(s) to hopefully make you smile after so many when is the next chap out and are you still alive or have you already joined the holy god of gay? preguntas lol

what were wilmon doing (or not doing) when they spend the night at zarzuela after simon's attackers were caught while relearning each other ? (since the (physical) description is both vague and super detailed wtf?? haha) any unkown spicy or thoughtful thoughts you wanna share abt it? was the scene planned early on? what was changed in the process? and why? thinking back, how was it for you to write it in the middle of sm pain going on plotwise? did it mess with you? do you think this evening/night at simon's childhood room was fundamental in their healing and simon's trust in physical touch? could the awful situation have their love ripped apart (since wille was worried it'd not be as 'before') or was it always sure they get out of it together and in more or less one piece? is simon now wille's sunflower or his heather? ;)

mucho amor och churros to you <33

hiiii let's ignore that this ask has been sitting in my inbox for so long pls thank you for this ask i'm obsessed with it and it did make me smile when you sent it and it's also making me smile now but also pain!!!! bc it made me reread that specific scene. i've also dug around in my beta readers server for thought processes around this scene so hopefully this is gonna be somewhat coherent lmfao

was the scene planned early on? it really wasn't at all. and it actually was supposed to be a smut scene in the beginning haha i told my beta readers, yo, i think we're gonna have some coping smut and then over the course of a week (how crazy is it that that's 2 1/2 years ago now!!!) i wrote this scene

what were (or weren't) they doing? what was changed in the process and why) as it developed i got to a point where it just didn't feel right to show them having sex because it was such an intimate moment for them that even just writing it i felt like an intruder. i said to my beta readers at some point that wilmon can have sex off screen so i think it's very much up to reader interpretation at this point. but "on screen", in the chapter, they were really just touching each other and coming back into their own bodies and to each other

how was it for you to write it in the middle of sm pain going on plotwise? did it mess with you? it was. a lot. to put it simply haha. i mean generally speaking the entirety of chapters 10-12 were the hardest thing i've ever written, emotionally speaking. i think this little screenshot was me in the middle of that scene lol: and this one was after i'd just finished the scene (and the chapter): was the scene planned early on? it really wasn't at all. and it actually was supposed to be a smut scene in the beginning haha i told my beta readers, yo, i think we're gonna have some coping smut and then over the course of a week (how crazy is it that that's 2 1/2 years ago now!!!) i wrote this scene

what were (or weren't) they doing? what was changed in the process and why) as it developed i got to a point where it just didn't feel right to show them having sex because it was such an intimate moment for them that even just writing it i felt like an intruder. i said to my beta readers at some point that wilmon can have sex off screen so i think it's very much up to reader interpretation at this point. but "on screen", in the chapter, they were really just touching each other and coming back into their own bodies and to each other

how was it for you to write it in the middle of sm pain going on plotwise? did it mess with you? it was. a lot. to put it simply haha. i mean generally speaking the entirety of chapters 10-12 were the hardest thing i've ever written, emotionally speaking. these two screenshots were from in the middle of writing that scene and after i'd just finished it (and the chapter):

so yeah it definitely messed with me. i can't say how long in total it took me to write chapter 10 but i do remember having to actively take a day or two off writing in between and implementing some serious self care to make sure my own mental health wasn't completely plummeting. i think it was definitely good that i had my beta reader team behind me to suffer through it with me but also to help me cope and distract myself with silly things so shout out to them always!

was that night fundamental to their healing/simon's trust in touch? i think after the hell they've been through over the past couple days, they definitely needed that moment to remind themselves that they're still alive and that they had each other. so i guess, yes it definitely was fundamental to the healing journey going onwards. i think they needed it to be able to keep going bc we know that chapter 11 was a whole other shitshow but i think without that intimate moment, everything would've been even more fragile

could the situation have ripped them apart? i think if wille hadn't learned to love and respect himself and his own boundaries as well, it would've been hard for them to meet on common ground again, and if they'd stayed together it would've turned so toxic. but because they both learned and grew, they managed to push through (but in any scenario, i think they would've fought for their lives to stay together)

is simon wille's sunflower or heather? heather :)

thank you thank you thank you for this ask i had so much fun answering it and diving into that scene again! hope i wasn't rambling too much and you're satisfied with the answers hahah! <33

[libras-interactives]

Usually, I'm not one to comment or ask stuff unless it's a reply but god UTDM (and Lackadaisy) has a grip on me rn :'D

So I have two questions, and if they've been already answered feel free to ignore them!

1. It's stated somewhere in the fic that Flynn uses a cane. So does he have it simply for cosmetic reasons or does he actually need it for walking?

2. Do you think that Cora and Rocky would get along (when not taking the whole 'one does illegal stuff while the other is trying to stop illegal stuff from happening' thing into account)? I kinda thought they would because they are similar personality wise (or at least somewhat lol). Both look up to a co-worker/their boss, crave some sort of validation and are rather hyper.

Also, I just wanted to say I love this fic sm <3

This was the first time I tried out an interactive one, and I'm glad I did :] The added characters are lovely (love love the boys wanna give them a hug or smth), and this fic helped me make four characters! I'm hoping to share them along with art in the near future, but don't get your hopes up, my motivation is a creature that I cannot seem to tame lmao

Anyway, sorry if all of this is rambly, I'm not the best at wording my thoughts in a coherent way :']

Hiiii welcome to my fixation, hope it's fueling your's LOL. Pls tag me if you end up drawing them, I love seeing people's OCs that come from this! And thank you for the kind words 🥺😭

1) People think it's just cosmetic, he goes great lengths to make sure no one sees him using it as a mobility aid. I don't think anyone - sans maybe his brother, the MC a few times, and Cerberus once or twice - has seen him use his proper medical cane. His regular snake-head cane is (per @acesandocs cool ass design) is cool and impressive for showing off but doesn't help when he's hurting.

2) In spite of their similarities, Cora would be aghast at the idea of her and Rocky getting along ... He's a criminal! And drifter! And has a suspicious face!

Setting aside their actual jobs, if they were on the same "team" - They'd both be annoying each other, because Cora leans more orderly and logical, and Rocky is more sensitive and artistic. But to everyone on the outside, they both have very similar chaotic energy and thought processes haha. She also came from a much nicer upbringing and has a more rigid way of thinking, so she probably wouldn't emphatize well with Rocky's "quirks". They both share that inclination to like or dislike someone right away, and stick with that initial opinion.

[inkandpaintleopard]

Dude do not get me STARTED on the Soft boys

I get that their purpose is to serve as a little breather (until Monster, anyway), but I feel like there could have been more done with that? Like dude this is one of the few mods that even ALLUDES to Frank, it would have been really unique (especially for the time) if Ben and Pico actually got to meet him; it'd even fit into the story because they're trying to go somewhere and "Frank lets us ride in his van all the time, we will ask him for you!"

Also I have just found out that Father Fairest's first name is actually Frank so uh. That could be fun (/s) for Ben

(also I feel like whatever SM Frank is doing in this universe he'd sympathize with both Ben's and Pico's plights, but that's besides the point)

Also just. I say this with a heavy heart but I do not like their designs. I get what they were going for but it feels... kind of cluttered? I think they would have looked better without their costumes on, give Pump some face stickers too to make up him not having spots

If anything I feel like leaning into that "creative" angle would have made for better designs, show them covered in paint and glitter or something because they're trying to make things, maybe even a little dirt because they love to explore just as much as the OG Spookeez, but their clothes show stains way more because they're not pure black

OH AND ON THAT-

It's just kind of a personal gripe but I wish their colors were closer to the originals too. Ben, Pico, and Grace all have the same color schemes as their original counterparts, just muted/pastel with a few changes, but instead of pastel purples and oranges Skid and Pump have completely different colors. I do like how the color of Skid's clothes mirror Pump and vice versa, but it's just weird looking at those three and then these two

Also again a minor gripe in the grand scheme of things but instead of removing the mic entirely they should have had a toy microphone, it still fits with their theme AND the context that they like Father Fairest's music

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, I get all that… before I even played the mod I just thought “Well their designs need work but hopefully their character is good.” Like dude they don’t even get an original song. I like the way they’re introduced but other than that they have nothing going for them.

I hadn’t even considered the whole Frank thing, that would’ve been nice.

I have such weird opinions on their designs; I think my biggest issue with them is that they don’t seem coherent. Why would Pump wear blue? Why do they look like they’re wearing jumpsuits? Are they? Why would they be? And yeah how are they that clean? And where’s the spookyness in it? I think about this for a lot of Skid designs specifically, because I feel like you wouldn’t know he was a skeleton if you didn’t already know what he came from, which is fine for all of us, but I feel like it doesn’t make sense in universe.

I was planning on redesigning them when I finally played the mod, but every time I think about redesigning/stylizing a character, I realize it goes against the way I come up with stories and stuff. For the Soft Spookeez specifically, every bit of dislike I may have for them gets added to whatever story I have in mind. Like oh, one finds their appearance underwhelming and annoying? So does every other Skid and Pump. I can’t get any personality from them? Their character is now that they have no character; everyone else is baffled that they came out of the Soft mod and are completely trauma-free. So on and so forth, help I don’t remember how to stylize.

Wait yeah them having a toy mic would be nice; I find them feeling weirdly detached without it.

[suuho]

hiii friend i hope you are doing well! i was wondering if i could ask for meta analysis of this (https://www.tumblr.com/suuho/708647383291002880/vincenzo-2021-sending-my-love-from-the-other) edit you made? like what the lyric meant to you in relation to the gifs/vincenzo and han seo, and like those lyrics mean to vincenzo about han seo; if they are about them?

this is silly and you don’t have to answer ofc heh!! i just adoreee that edit and think about it all the time heh the vincenzo community needed it heh. thank u sm!!!

hi!! i'm hanging in there, i hope you're well too!! sorry that this took a few days to answer but i had work, and also i wanted to take my time and answer this properly because that's what an analysis should be. fair warning, i haven't had that much sleep so i hope any of this makes sense, and it's also been a minute since i've made that set. (read more cause very long)

so, the edit in question. funnily enough, i pretty much knew i wanted to make this set in some capacity since that song by fall out boy was released (great song, btw) and it took a little while to formulate those thoughts into something coherent, and then to actually sit down and make that gifset. most of the stuff i make i have a vague idea of what it's supposed to look like, but this one surprised me with the overlays and the blending; i didn't expect it to look like that in the end, but i love the colors and i love it for what it is. vinzenco is obviously coded in blue and hanseo in orange/yellow, and i purposely did that. i think, hanseo's death was such an impactful moment in the show, even more than the death of vincenzo's mother, because up until then, we had watched hanseo go through heavy, positive character development, and as a viewer, that makes you root for him. actually, we have been made to root for him way earlier in the show, when we find out hanseo is a victim of abuse by his own older brother (who turns out to not be a goofy paralegal, so in that sense, they have turned the tables narratively on what jang brother to sympathize with), and is willing to change.

i think a lot of hanseo's conflict and character boils down the fact that his abuser is his own brother, someone he is conditioned to love by societal pressures and norms, and that he knows he should love in a familial way, and that he finds himself clinging to because it is all he has left of his family. he has nowhere else to go, no way out, until he meets vincenzo. it is hard to escape an abuser, and the fact that hanseo manages to do so by his own will, and with vincenzo's help, only to in the end die by the hands of his brother anyways? god, that is so tragic. that is why his death hurts so much more than the others in the show. anyways, i am digressing somewhat.

but! the edit in question. the first gif is pretty obvious in relation to the second: i wanted to show a moment in hanseo's life in which he was truly happy, a moment he spent with vincenzo. has vincenzo ever allowed himself an affection like that towards anyone? to hanseo, of course, vincenzo fills a role that has been misappropriated his entire life: the part of hyung, a big brother role that hanseok never managed to remotely tend to in the way he should have. hanseo does not have any hyungs in his life, he doesn't have someone he can trust like that, that he can love like that (i won't deny that i am a hanseo/vincenzo enthusiast because i do love them together, and i do not think of them as ~brothers in that sense, but as a mere narrative tool, that is the position vincenzo fills for hanseo in his life and in the show).

i wish we would have seen more of their quiet moments together, because i think they both gave each other something they had been missing until then.

the middle gif, of course. god, when will that scene not hurt like hell. that is more in relation to the caption and the gif after. in vincenzo's life and in the mafia, there is only way to avenge, and that is an eye for an eye. blood for blood. but the fact that vincenzo chose the cruelest punishment for hanseok specifically? that is purely motivated by the loss of hanseo. what would you trade the pain for? vincenzo chose a knife. and what did hanseo trade the pain for? a glimpse of happiness. if you are dead by the end of the story, you are dead at the beginning of it. that's how it works.

if you look at the song in general, i just love how it speaks to the both of them.

especially the pre-chorus but more so this entire first part of the song is so hanseo for me. the city always hangs a little bit lonely on me, loose / like a kid playing pretend in his father's suit. think about the starched-white shirts and high collars he wears, partly to hide the bruising of the abuse, partly like an armor, and how he lets go of it when he is around vincenzo. hanseo is quite literally playing pretend in his own life; he is controlled by his brother who continuously drills into him that he won't amount to anything, that he is stupid, that he is worthless. but hanseo is neither stupid nor worthless; he is smart, can think on his feet, is mechanically gifted. he is funny. he laughs the way someone laughs who's surprised by his own, actual laugh because he hasn't heard it in so long. his real laugh, not some approximation of it.

model house life meltdown still a modern dream letdown, it kills me / you know i'm dying out here / what would you trade the pain for? if you are dead at the end of the story, you are dead at the beginning of it. i think, hanseo is aware that he is slowly dying as a victim of his circumstances, figuratively and literally. which is what makes him reckless enough to even seek out vincenzo. a lot of hanseo's life is lived with the desperation of a dead man walking.

that bridge is such a gut-wrencher, my god. but this is the part that i find speaks more broadly to vincenzo. like i said, the loss of hanseo is what ultimately made him take a deliberately cruel, downright mortifying approach to his vengeance, to his punishment. and you were the sunshine of my lifetime / what would you trade the pain for? is obviously more in relation to vinzenco's relationship with hanseo. at least, in the intent of this set.

that goes hand in hand with i saw you in a bright-clear field, hurricane heat in my head / the kind of pain you feel to get good in the end, good in the end. that is just, exactly the scene when vinzenco confronts hanseok the last time, and remembers hanseo. whew. my god. what a gut punch.

other than that, i mostly just wanted the set to go from light to dark, because i think killing hanseok the way he did was in many ways a breaking point for vincenzo, hence all the shadows he finds himself in, and the fact that hanseo's death is the reason for it? absolutely insane. give up what you love before it does you in. vinzenco couldn't give it up, not even the memory of hanseo, and so he let it kill a part of hinself as well. he chose the knife to trade for the pain. anyways. i hope that was somehow helpful for you! thank you so much for your question!

[snzunii]

Gojoxreader something about forbidden love then one of them dies

23:45

"but i can't have you, we're bound to break and our hands are tied."

+ pairings. gojo satoru x f!reader

+ tags. romance, fantasy, heavy angst, major character death, mentions of death, depression, forbidden love trope, stepcest, unrequited love, mentions of sex, smoking, drinking, modern au, all in all it's just sad shit that i enjoyed writing becos *coughs* heavy angst

+ word count. 16.7k

+ note. okay i've been writing this for days. i told myself that this would be just 5k words or maybe less but, it's heavy angst so i went all out 😭 and forbidden love is one of my favorite tropes soooooo yeah, and anon thank u sm for requesting this <3 hihihi i hope u guys love this :<

the summary and some parts was inspired from the song rewrite the stars, i thought it just fits so there hehe

ur feedbacks are always appreciated, love u guys <3

"Satoru."

This was two years ago, you thought.

Why is he in front of you? Is this some kind of dream?

It was all the same. His posture, the way he dressed, how he smiled at your mother, how he looked at you with his cerulean eyes that you have always adored.

You looked at your mother, why isn't she shocked? Why are they smiling and all happy when Satoru died a week ago?

"You know each other already?" your stepfather asked, Satoru shook his head while you remained in shock.

How could this happen? Are you still sleeping?

"No, this is the first time that I saw her."

You tried pinching yourself and digging your fingernails into the palm of your hands but it hurts, so that means that it was real.

Satoru is alive and well, and you go back two years.

Just last night you were crying your eyes out. You are grieving that you lost the man that you have loved so much. The man that made you the happiest in the whole damn universe.

You were grieving because you saw it yourself, how he died. You saw it right before your eyes and now he's here.

"Why don't you show your brother upstairs to his room?" your mother said to you.

They are getting worried because you aren't yourself right now, you can't even begin to process what the hell is happening right at this moment.

Your mother called your name and that's when you snapped out of your thoughts.

"Yeah. Okay.." you stuttered, "Follow me."

Confused, you helped Satoru carry one of his bags and you were the first one to go up the stairs while he followed you.

You already know what happens. He annoys you then you would be pissed off but then you'll get close, you fall in love, you hide your relationship from your parents then he dies.

He. freaking. died.

"What the fuck is this?" you whispered as you walked in the hallway of your second floor towards Satoru's designated room.

"Did you say something?" he walked beside you, you jumped a bit then you stopped walking. You turn to Satoru and then drop his bag off the floor.

The next thing you did caught him off guard. You wrapped your arms around his waist as you lean your head on his chest—sobbing, he doesn't know why the hell are you hugging him at this moment as you cry because he just met you.

But for you? You already know him for two years. You already memorized every part of his gorgeous features.

You already know every move, every gesture and every meaning behind the things that he does.

You memorized all of him, you loved all of Satoru.

"Are you real?" you said half coherently, your sobs were covering up the things that you were saying.

Still baffled, he reciprocated your hug because you were crying so hard. He can almost feel the anguish in your weeping, he taps your back gently over and over as he try to find the words to comfort you, "It's alright.."

You tighten your hug.

It has been a week since you lost Satoru and all you wanted is to embrace him again, like this. You thought you would never get to do that again but the universe must be losing one of its screws right now.

You pulled away from him, you looked at his eyes as you wiped your tears. "How is this happening?"

He frowned as he gave you a bit of a confused smile, "Uhm... your mother is marrying my father. That's how, I guess?"

He's confused as hell, he had no single bit of a clue as to why you were acting this way.

"Oh.. yeah." You sighed as you picked his bag back up again, you walked first into his room and placed his bag on the bed. "Here's your room."

"Thank y-" he didn't even finish thanking you because you just walked out of his room, you kind of weirded him out because you just cried on his chest and then suddenly acted like you were straight from the freezer.

You entered your room and everything was in place. It seems like yesterday all of your things are scattered around your room because you were so inconsolable about his death that you don't have the time to tidy up your room.

You threw yourself on the bed, maybe if you sleep you would wake up from this ridiculously real but very impossible dream.

"This is Satoru and he's your new brother." your mother said as she smiled. You looked intently at the white-haired man in front of you, he is freakishly tall, he has blue eyes and white eyelashes. You raised your eyebrow for a bit then you let out a smile.

"Nice meeting you, Satoru." you said sweetly. "I hope we get along."

He gave you a wide smile, "You too."

Your mother tapped your shoulder causing you to turn to her, "Why don't you show your brother upstairs to his room?"

"Of course, follow me." you tell him as you go up, Satoru follows you.

He walked beside you once you stepped on the second floor, "So, I guess we're siblings? I mean step because you know we aren't related by blood. It'd be nice if we really got along-"

You turned to him and stopped him from talking, "You look like you're an annoying prick."

He raised his eyebrow but then he gave you a laugh, "Oh-ho. Showing your true colors now, are you?"

He knew it, earlier, was just piss poor acting. It's a bummer because he was hoping to get along with you since you looked nice and innocent and he was excited because he'd be having a sister to annoy.

"Okay. For your information, I don't want to get along with you but I have no choice because it's for my mom because truth be told, I don't like any of this. I already have a father and I don't get why she is with your father instead of patching things up with my dad."

You frowned when Satoru messed your hair, "You don't have a choice, darling. And my father's a nice guy, why don't you give this family a chance?"

You let out a bitter laugh, "Family my ass."

You slept for hours until dinner time came, you heard someone knock on your door and you opened the door still half-asleep. "Dad said to come and get you."

Your eyes instantly opened as wide as they could when you heard his voice, so it isn't a dream.

Satoru's still here.

"Give me a minute and I'll come down." you told him as you closed the door on him.

Satoru's still confused as to why you embraced him and then cried on his chest but he'd let it go because he thought that you were going through something.

Well, you are. You were mourning his death.

You don't know what to feel now. You were filled with agony that you lost the love of your life and you keep on thinking that you'd give and do everything just to hold him close again.

Maybe this is the universe giving you a chance. You keep telling yourself that it is impossible but it is happening.

He's alive again. You get to talk to him again.

You get to see your Satoru again.

But what's the catch? Yeah, he's alive but you doubt the universe would grant you this big and did you already say impossible wish without having repercussions?

You were happy but you were getting stressed so you walked towards your bookshelf and got the safe box that was disguised as a book and got the box of cigarettes inside.

You smiled, everything was placed the way it was two years ago.

You quit smoking when you got together with Satoru but this bizarre situation calls for a smoke right now.

You were about to place the safe box on the shelf again when you saw some weird white book that you don't remember having.

Your brows furrowed, you placed the cigarette stick down and got the white book. It was blank, the cover was just white with no text in it.

You opened it and there was a text on the first page.

Rewrite what was written on the stars.

"What..?"

Desist the sequence of events that would lead to his demise.

Rewrite what and the desist what?

You figured that it has something to do with what was happening right now. It said, "Rewrite what was written on the stars..."

You laid on your bed as you looked at the ceiling, "Rewrite? Is that why I travelled back two years ago?"

You drowned yourself in your thoughts, figuring out what the words meant and who the hell is doing this.

Is it some kind of prank but then why and how did you travel two years ago?

So, I need to change what happened in the past two years so that Satoru wouldn't die?

You got the book again and frowned, and additional words were added on the first page. It was written in some symbols that you swear you have seen before but you can't point where.

What in the sorcery is this?

You remembered, you liked reading some ancient things when you were a kid with your dad— he even got you some books about ancient letters and stuff but then you stopped reading it when he left.

You stood up from your bed and searched your bookshelf until you saw the dusty old book. You know that there is a list of ancient letters in here. You just need to match each symbol to its corresponding letters.

Alright, Nancy Drew. You need to do some solving.

You got some pen and paper from your desk and then you matched each symbol and letters until you form a sentence on the piece of paper.

Each letter that you wrote weighs a ton in your heart when you form the letter that you were writing into words and once you finished writing it, you felt like all the strings in your heart snapped into two.

You read it out loud, "Do not make him fall in love with you anymore..."

You knew it, you fucking knew it.

You don't want to live a life without him loving you now that you know how it felt when you were loved by Satoru.

But what's important is that he's alive, right?

You can do it, you can shove your feelings down and pretend that you don't love him with every bit of your being. You can be oblivious to the growing affliction that was planted in your heart.

You heard a knock on the door once again and it opened, revealing the person that is and always will be the object of your affection. "They're wondering what's taking you so long- are you reading?"

You immediately closed the books and wiped the bit of tears that were falling from your eyes. "I'm coming down."

"You said that minutes ago. Your mom said to tell you that the food was getting cold and it wouldn't eat itself." he said as he chuckled.

You just scoffed and tried to avoid looking at him but then it really is hard considering that Satoru is now looking around your room.

You bit your lip to stop from smiling, you knew that Satoru was kind of snoopy. It is the reason why you were annoyed with him for a few months.

You don't even know why you fell for him.

He was smug. He annoyed the hell out of you but regardless, he made you laugh with all the silly things that he did.

He understood your feelings more than anyone. He was there for you whenever you needed somebody.

What hurts is that you know you can never let that happen again. He is right there but you can never be with him.

"Who said you can look around?" you said as you stood up from your bed, raising your eyebrow at him.

"Pfft. Come on," he walked towards you and placed his arm above your shoulder, "I just wanted to look at my new sister's room."

"I'm not your sister." you said as you removed his arm. "We're not related, dumb ass. Your dad's just marrying my mom."

"Then that makes you my sister, dumb ass." he mocked you and placed his arm on your shoulders again and dragged you out of your room.

You wanted Satoru's touch more than anything in this world but you know that this, the touching and being close to him can't happen anymore.

"Don't touch me, we aren't close." you said as you removed his arm again.

"Says the one who hugged and cried to me earlier."

You are painfully aware of the fact that you did that and you just need some excuse to tell him why you did that.

"I was being crazy."

Lame ass excuse.

"You don't say." he said in a sarcastic and kind of amused way.

"Just don't talk to me." you said as you went down the stairs.

"Why?"

You didn't answer him and just left him on the stairs.

Because I'm trying not to touch and kiss you because I freaking miss you so much.

...

It has been a few weeks since the time restarted and so far? It was going so hard and painful.

It wasn't easy. Seeing the person you love but can't do anything about it.

You can't even tell him how much you love him. All that you can do is to watch him and be grateful that he is alive.

Your pain is nothing. You preferred to be hurt like this instead of living in a world where Satoru doesn't exist. Loving him in silence is enough for you.

"Can I come in?"

"No! Go away-"

"Too late. I'm already in." he said as he walked towards you, you felt Satoru sitting comfortably on your bed as if it was his own.

"Who the fuck told you to go inside my room and sit on my bed?" you said as you turned your head to his direction, you threw him your daggers and knowing him, he wasn't fazed.

"I heard your screaming match, you are grounded, huh?"

Yeah, funny. You are a twenty year old who still gets grounded by your mother.

"Get the fuck out." you said as you covered yourself with your blanket.

Satoru probably heard that you didn't want him and his father in your house and you're wondering why he's still nice to you when you have been shit to him all this time.

You feel him tap your back, "So, what is your problem with me or my dad?"

You groaned as you removed your blanket, you turned to your side to look at Satoru who is now lying on his side, looking at you as he rested his head on his palm.

"Getting comfortable, are you now?" you said with your brows furrowed. "I'll count to three and if you aren't out of my bed then I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"One.." you started, Satoru just stared at you with his cocky grin, doubting that you'll do anything.

"Two, three." you counted faster and that's when you kicked him out of your bed, literally kicked.

You heard a loud sound when he fell on the floor and next to that was his whining as he winced in pain.

"Stop whining like a child and get out of my room." you said as you covered yourself in your blanket again.

"You're mean." he said while pouting as he caressed his butt. "My butt hurts."

"And? Is it my fault you annoying prick?"

"You kicked me!"

"Cry about it crybaby."

"Satoru. He's your brother?" you heard your friend Yuna asked you, you look at her and to her line of sight— she is looking at him. "He looks so.. hmm, handsome."

Yeah, you know.

"He isn't my brother." you said as you continue on reading your book.

Satoru studies at the same university as you are, of course. You are currently sitting at your usual place with your friends and kind of your make out spot after classes when you were together, you both got some balls on you two, you know.

Making out under the tree near the field? So wrong.

Making out under the tree near the field with your stepbrother? Extremely wrong.

But you didn't care because you were crazy for each other.

"Okay. Do you think I could get his number?"

No.

"Go for it."

As much as it sends stabbing pains in your heart, maybe getting Satoru with another woman would change everything.

Seeing him alive and happy is enough for you to get on with your life. You can move on— just not now, it would take too long to get over him because he is your greatest love but you will.

Your friend excitedly stands up and fixes herself before heading to where Satoru is with his friends.

You just wanted to laugh at yourself, you were getting hurt and you can't even take your eyes off them as they exchanged their numbers.

Satoru turned his head to look at your direction, he gave you a smile but you just looked away and turned your attention to your book.

You leaned on the tree and closed the book along with your eyes. All of what is left to you was the memories of you and Satoru, and it was so beautiful but what hurts is it only lives in your mind now because he can't even remember any of it.

You would have to live in a world where you have these blithesome memories and no one to share it with.

"Hey. Wake up."

"What the hell do you want Gojo Satoru? I swear I will kill you if you woke me up for no reason at all." you said continuously without even opening your eyes because you just know who that voice belongs to.

"I'll sneak you out." you heard him say.

You were still grounded and that means you can't go out and party with your friends which is ridiculous because you're an adult already.

"Are you crazy?" you opened your eyes and looked at him, you looked at the clock and it was 11:45 in the evening.

Your mom and his dad are still wide awake watching their favorite show downstairs.

"I thought you wanted to go out with your friends? I heard you tell your mom that you even bought a dress for that party."

"Yeah. I did- Can you stop listening in on our conversations?"

Satoru laughed, "I wasn't listening. May I remind you that you were both shouting that's why I heard you say that?"

You just rolled your eyes at him as you sat on your bed. Why is he doing this?

Why is he being nice to you even though you are treating him badly?

"Would you really sneak me out?"

"Yep. Jump that window and I'll catch you."

"What?!"

"Your friend asked me out." Satoru said as he walked with you.

"Yeah. I know, I told her to go for it since she's been ogling you ever since you transferred."

You didn't mean to sound so jealous but can you blame yourself?

Satoru noticed the tone in your voice, he just hummed as he walked beside you, "Is she nice?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to go out with her?"

You stopped walking because of his question, if you say no would he still date her?

Why would he even ask you that? Is it that obvious that you are so in love with him?

"Why would you ask me that?" you scoffed as you walked again, "Go out with her for all I care."

You have got to stop sounding jealous.

"Okay, I won't." he said as he gave you his billion dollar smile.

You sighed and stopped walking, you turned to him and looked straight into his eyes. You wanted to say that Okay, don't go out with her and be with me.

"Then why the hell do you even get her number if you won't go out with her, you jerk? I didn't say anything so go do what you want. You shouldn't be asking me that question because it's your decision."

Satoru just looked at you with mirth as he let you babble on, he doesn't even know why but being with you gives him comfort, even though you are being mean to him.

He feels like he knows you even though he has only been living with you for a few weeks.

But despite the things that you are making him feel, confusion is what's on his mind. You sound like you don't want him to go out with your friend but you are urging him.

He sighed and surrendered, "Okay. I will."

It was just words but it crushed you inside. You wanted to hear the three words, the three words that make you so happy that you feel you are floating.

Not these three words that made you feel your heart was being stomped on too many times.

"Good." you said as you try to speak with your voice cracking, "Enjoy."

"You told me that you would sneak me out but you didn't tell me that you'd be coming with me."

"You think I'd let you go out alone in the middle of the night?" he answered as you both walked inside your friend's house filled with wasted people inside.

Satoru's father knows that he sneaked you out and asked him to go with you, though he'd still go with you even if his father doesn't ask him to.

"Fine. But don't tag along with me."

"You really don't like me, huh?"

You didn't answer him. It's not that you don't like him or his father. You just have your reasons.

You just went to your friends' direction. Satoru just watched you drink your ass off with them, though it is kind of hard to keep track of you with all the women who were trying to flirt with him.

Finally, you looked in his direction. You frown as you try to understand what he's mouthing to you.

The neon lights and the loud music isn't helping plus, your mind is also kind of hazy because of all the liquor that you ingested.

"What?" you mouthed back.

He just gestured for you to come to his direction, you clicked your tongue as you put your drink down on the table. You went in his direction. "What do you want, prick?"

"Let's go home." he said as he reached for your hand and not giving you the time to protest as he dragged you out of your friend's house.

"Let go of me." you said with a crystal clear hint of annoyance in your voice.

"No. We're going home. You are drunk and I don't want to get scolded."

Satoru doesn't give a shit if his father or even your mother chastises him, he just can't take the guys who were trying to touch you and talk to you. He thought that maybe it was an instinctive brotherly thing.

He doesn't know. He was just pissed out of his mind.

"I hate you." you mumbled as you squirm your arm out of his touch.

Satoru just smiles at you as he messes with your hair, "Do you really?"

"No." you answered while you walked with him to where he parked his car. "Don't get me wrong, you are annoying as fuck but I don't hate you and your dad."

"Okay. You are drunk." he said as he opened the car door for you, you sat on the passenger's seat and Satoru bent down to fasten your seatbelt for you.

Satoru's scent grazed under your nose and you got to say, it was much more intoxicating than the alcohol that you drank.

You just looked at his face as he fixed your seatbelt, he looked at you when he felt you touch his hair. "Did you dye your hair or it's naturally white?"

"It's natural." he said while looking at your eyes and you look down for a bit and you also notice that his lips were rosy.

"Are your lips naturally this rosy or do you put lip balm on?"

Satoru snickered at your questions. You aren't this talkative especially with him so he thought you really were drunk and it was a great decision to take you home.

But it was funny seeing you like this, he thought that you were cute, as he would put it.

"Don't laugh. Answer me."

"I put something on." he answered you and got some small lip balm in his pocket, "Here."

"What flavor is this? Does it have a flavor?" you asked, "Can I try it on? Put some on me."

He chuckled when you closed your eyes and pouted your lips. It looked like you were asking for a kiss, he thought but then he shrugged it off because you know why.

He opened the cap and you felt his pinky finger, spreading the lip balm on your lips. He looked at your face and he felt like something jumped inside his chest.

He let out a deep breath and ignored it, it was probably nothing.

"There." he said, causing you to open your eyes, you licked your lips and frowned.

"I can't taste it." he just chuckled at you and pulled himself up, he closed the door on your seat and circled around his car to get on the driver's seat. "Satoru, why can't I taste it?"

You asked one more time once he got inside the car, he turned to you and held your chin in between his fingers. "Open your mouth, let's see."

You rolled your eyes but then you obeyed him, he acted like he was checking every part of your mouth but then his eyes widened, "Oh... your tongue is missing."

You clicked your tongue as you gave him a slight smack in the head, "I might be drunk but I'm not stupid you annoying ass."

You throw yourself at your bed as you stare at your ceiling, you are crying again.

How could you not when you are the one pushing the love of your life to fall in love with somebody else?

You got your pillow and pressed it to your face as you screamed to your heart's content— until your screams were replaced with painful sobs, you tighten your grip on your pillow. "I miss you. I miss you so much."

You stopped crying when you heard your mother knock on your door. "Are you there?"

"Yeah, wait a minute." you answered and immediately fixed yourself.

You wouldn't want your mother to see you in a state like this, you looked like a mess. You were devastated on the inside and well, on the outside too.

After you neaten yourself, you opened the door and it revealed your mother. You frowned, this was the exact scene before you had that screaming match that got you grounded two years ago.

"Were you crying?"

You try as much as possible to remember what was the first thing she told you that time but you swear that that was the thing she asked you last time.

Because it is, you were crying before because of your father and now you are crying because of Satoru.

"No. I was not." you answered, "I have to do something, mom. Do you need something?"

All you need to do is to rewrite and avoid the things that would lead to making Satoru fall in love with you.

The time that your mother grounded you was the time that Satoru comforted you the most, he even helped you sneak out. All you need to do is change what happened in here so what happened to that party wouldn't happen again.

Because you surmised that, that's how things began for you and him. When you opened up yourself to him.

You need to avoid that now.

"I just need to make sure that you are okay with them moving in. I know you think that it was sudden but... you understand, right?"

"No, mom. I don't understand. I don't want them here! Do you get it? You never tried fixing things with dad! You never patched things up and just left him! Did you even think about me?!"

You walked towards your mother and wrapped your arms around her as you rested your chin on her shoulders, "I understand, mom. If you are happy then I am."

You heard your mother sigh in relief. She hugged you back and kissed the side of your head as she caressed your hair, "I knew you would understand. Thank you, honey."

Perhaps, this was also the universe giving you a chance to do right by your mother.

You were awful to her for finding the one who truly loved her, this is your chance to make things right.

"Oh, mom." you pulled away, "I'll be going to a party at Hana's next week. I just thought you should know."

She gave you a hum of approval and tapped your shoulders gently, "Of course."

You changed it.

There was no yelling at each other, no one's getting grounded and now Satoru wouldn't try to do his best in comforting you. That means he wouldn't sneak you out this time.

He'll live. You know it.

You would do everything for him to live even if you were hurting in the process.

"This isn't home." you said once Satoru pulled up in front of a diner.

"You need to sober up first. I won't take you home in that state." Satoru answered as he removed his seatbelt and the next was yours, "Come on."

He opened the car door and laid his hand for you, "You know you are being a gentleman but you are still annoying me, why is that?"

"It's my innate power to annoy people, I guess." he jokingly answered, making you laugh.

"Oh yeah. That makes sense."

"I was just kidding."

You ignored Satoru and walked into the diner first. You got into one of the seats because your head was spinning though you are getting a bit sober now.

"Can I have some?" Satoru asked you once you got your order.

You rolled your eyes, he had the chance to order some fries and he didn't, now he's asking for yours?

"Uh-uh. You should've ordered yours." you protected the plate of fries using your arms and when he tried to get on you swatted his hand. "I said no."

"You know you're too mean, right?"

"And what about it?" you raised your eyebrow. Instead of hating you because of your crappy attitude towards him, he finds you amusing.

He enjoyed annoying and teasing you these past few weeks, sometimes so much that you were too close to throw all the books on your shelf— no, scratch that. Sometimes you thought of throwing him the whole shelf instead.

"You know you remind me of someone." he started, you just frowned at him indicating that you were letting him speak because you were too busy eating your burger, "You remind me of myself."

You snorted as you swallowed your food first before answering him, "Am I... irritating too?"

"You reminded me of myself when my dad met your mom the first time." he smiled at you, "It felt like he moved on too fast from my mom and she was already dead three years after they met. I was shitty to him because I wasn't ready for him to move on."

The other reason that Satoru isn't hostile towards you even though you are to him is because he understood what you are going through.

"But it's not up to us you know? We don't get to choose who is that someone that they get to love. All we can do is be happy for them because they are happy. They grieved and they moved on, but it doesn't mean that they would forget about the person who made them happy too."

You bit your lip as you put your food down, you took a deep breath before answering him. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't feel bad that I was being shit to my mom.. and to your dad?"

You know that someday you'd have to accept it.

But ever since your parents separated, the hope of them getting back together didn't leave your heart. You were complete and you were happy— or so you thought.

They weren't happy and you realized that growing up. They just pulled it together for you and finally had the guts to leave each other when you were getting a bit aware of everything.

"Do you think I am a bad person?" you asked him, his face was filled with awe when he saw you started crying. He stood up and sat on the chair beside you— wrapping his arms around your shoulder as he pulled you close to him.

You didn't expect for him to hug you like this but it gave you comfort. This is the first time that you get to spill your feelings to somebody.

You never open stuff like this to your friends because you don't want to burden them with your problems, they already have their own.

It was odd because it gave you assurance that Satoru was the first person you cried to. It just felt safe in his arms.

It was funny because you thought that he was the last person you'd run to when you are in pain. You always thought it was your mother but she doesn't want you to cry about your father, hence, the screaming match you two had.

"I don't think you are. You are just hurting. You are still processing things and that's alright." he said as he caressed your hair. "You have plenty of time to make it right and you can start by being nice to me."

You wiped your tears and playfully smacked him in the chest. "Ha-ha. Okay."

"Going to a party?" Satoru asked you as he peered at your bedroom door, "Hana's party perhaps?"

You frowned, "How did you know?"

"Yuna invited me to go with her. You want to go together? I mean, we'd have to fetch her first if that's alright?"

Satoru isn't supposed to go to this party because he already did the last time and look what happened— he brought you to that diner, however, he'd be going with Yuna. That's different, right?

It changed. You figured that he'd focus all of his attention on Yuna and not you.

"Sure." you answered and went on putting your makeup.

He'd be going with Yuna, you'd be lying if you say that you aren't hurting but what can you do? But your feelings aren't important now, his life is.

...

"No. I want this." you said as you got the CD from the pile. "We will watch this."

He hummed and clicked his tongue as he got the CD from you, "No. I already know what happened there, the girl dies in the end."

You glared at him. You have wanted to watch that movie for a long time and now he just spoiled you big time. "I fucking hate you."

"Language." you heard your mother say as she walked to the living room carrying a huge bowl of popcorn. "Did you two choose already?"

You purse your lips as you sit on the couch while Satoru sits on the floor.

"Not this one because Satoru just spoiled it for me." you threw the CD on the pile, you nudged Satoru on his shoulder with your feet, "You choose. You win. I don't care."

He lets out his annoying laugh as he puts the disk inside the player. Great, he chose the scary one.

Your mom and his dad were sitting on the big couch and you two were sitting on the settee.

You aren't a big fan of scary movies, that's why you are getting kind of uneasy. Your mother wanted a movie night and you remembered what Satoru said a few months ago, that you can start making things right.

And you started by agreeing on 'family' movie night.

It was going well so far and you were able to contain your fear but then Satoru decided to be a freaking nitwit.

"Hey." you looked at him when he called for your name, "Who's that behind your back?"

You jumped and immediately opened the lights. "Mom!"

You don't mean to sound like a child, telling on your mother but that is exactly what you did. Your mother just laughed at you and Satoru's dad rebuked him.

"I was just playing. Sorry." he said as he walked towards you and messed with your hair like it is his favorite thing to do in the world.

And it is, he guesses. It's his favorite thing in the world plus annoying the hell out of you.

But you also let him because getting teased and getting your hair messed up by Satoru was perhaps your favorite thing in the world too.

The movie night is going well and your parents decided to turn in for the night but you both stayed to watch the movie franchise because Satoru forced you to.

It was silent between you two because you were both focused on the movie not until he felt your head on his shoulder.

He removed the strands of hair that was covering your face and just stared at you as you fell into a peaceful slumber, and that's when his lips formed an upward curve.

He doesn't know if has been spending too much time with you but he feels the happiest when he's with you.

He felt charged. He was curious about your whole being, he got this feeling of determination to get to know you better. To protect you and feel your pain or happiness with you.

Is it normal? To feel like that for his supposed stepsister?

He leaned his face closer to yours and much more closer until your lips were a few inches away.

"What the hell am I doing?" he sighed as he paused the movie.

He carefully leaned you on the sofa so that he could stand up. He gently carried you upstairs to your room and tucked you in your bed.

His heart was beating uncontrollably as he looked at your face again but he needed to push it down because your parents are getting married.

He's not supposed to fall for you but you are making it so damned impossible. You aren't doing anything, you just existed and he felt this for you.

Shit just happens, he guess.

He placed a gentle kiss on your forehead and went out of your room.

"This is bad." he whispered, "So fucking bad."

...

The whole car ride to Hana's house was... you don't know, painful? To put it in detail, it was a gut wrenching car ride and all you wanted to do the whole time was to grab your heart inside your chest and maybe stomp on it yourself literally.

You should've taken a cab to Hana's but you didn't, you don't know if you are that stupid or do you just like to hurt yourself like that.

It was hurtful to see Satoru laugh and flirt with another woman, your friend of all people. They try to include you in their conversation but most of their jokes are, you know, more like an inside joke between them.

They're the only people who can relate to it, and all you can do is laugh forcefully as if you aren't dying inside.

You wanted to open it up to your best friend, Ieiri, who you miss very much — but this time you aren't meeting yet or you doubt that you two would even be friends because you and Satoru aren't together anymore.

Shoko knew along with Suguru, which you miss too, because they saw you two under that tree near the field and you don't know how it happened but since then you two were friends with them. You both trust them so they're the only people who really knew the true nature of your relationship.

Not only did you lose Satoru but you also lost these two. You would never meet them if you and Satoru aren't together— and now, you aren't even friends with them. You remember how fun you used to have together, the four of you.

Sometimes, you just want to come up to them and tell them how you missed them but you didn't want for them to think that you were weird. The last time that you saw them were in Satoru's funeral, because you didn't want to see anybody when he died.

You pass by Shoko sometimes in the hallway and you wanted to smile at her but then you fold.

Now, all you can do is drown yourself into innumerable alcoholic drinks but somehow, instead of getting light-headed and free— you feel your chest tighten more and more.

Your head was clouded with the thoughts of Satoru and Yuna, who is by the way flaunting their relationship or whatever that is in front of you.

You just want to pull Yuna out of Satoru's lap and just throw her outside.

"Fuck this." you whispered as you stood up from the couch and you probably had too much to drink that you were close to falling but you still managed.

You walked into the balcony and got some cigarette from your close acquaintance.

You were about to light it up but then someone snatched it from your mouth. You turned to that person. "Does your mom know?"

"No." you answered, you can't be mad at him. You know he doesn't like it when someone he cares about smokes. "Would you tell on me?"

"No but don't get near that thing again." he answered and leaned his back on the railings, he looked at your face and he noticed how distressed you looked. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Where's Yuna?" you asked and didn't even bother to hide the bitterness in your groggy voice.

"She's talking to someone." he said, "Are you really okay? Do you want to go home?"

Are you okay? Of course not. You forgot what it feels like to be alright. You just want everything to be okay, you want Satoru but this world is unfair. You know you can't have it all.

...

Satoru is odd today. In fact, he has been for a week. He wasn't his usual self. He isn't making his usual stupid jokes and irritating the hell out of you.

But that's what you want, right? Him, not to annoy the living hell out of you for once. However, the thing is— you were used to it already.

Your day feels incomplete when he's not the one banging on your door every morning to wake you up. It isn't complete without him talking to you non-stop as he drives you both to the uni or when you two are singing to the song that's playing on the radio.

Did you do something wrong?

You were just looking outside the window as Satoru drove, contemplating whether to talk to him or not.

You sighed as you turned to look at him, you were about to speak but then your mind suddenly went blank and looked at the window again.

Satoru can see you from his peripheral vision, he knows that you must be confused by the way that he's acting.

But ever since that movie night, his mind was going crazy along with the undeniably fast beating of his heart whenever you are around.

He knows that he needs to stop what he feels before it gets deeper.

But it irritates you that he isn't irritating you. You wanted him to talk to you just like he used to.

It's irking, you thought. You don't want to admit it but you are actually missing him.

You are missing Satoru and he is right there.

Why in the hell would you feel that way for him?

Is he tired of you being mean to him? You thought you both established that it was just your way to joke around him?

Are you too much? Do you need to be nicer to him?

"For fuck's sake would just tell me what did I do?!" you snapped and looked at him.

You can't think too much, it drives you really crazy.

On the other hand, Satoru was startled by your sudden movement. He maneuvered the car into the side and looked at you. "What the fuck was that? Are you trying to get us killed?"

"Sorry." you said with a low voice, "But what the hell is wrong with you? Are you avoiding me? What did I do?"

"You did nothing. Okay? Just... I need to- nothing. Just shut up." he said as he looked away from you and was about to drive again but you stopped him.

"We aren't moving unless you tell me what the hell is wrong with you." you said while holding his hand, just to stop him from driving.

It was just simple hand touching but he felt like his heart was quivering around instead of pumping normally.

"Satoru." your soft voice made his ears perked up. Your voice and how your lips part whenever you say his name is driving him crazy.

This isn't normal— is what's on his mind. He can't think straight.

"Please? I.." you paused, "I miss you."

That's it.

He took a deep breath as he removed his seatbelt in a haste, grabbing your nape as he gave you a peck on your lips.

Both your pupils dilated at the sudden contact. You just looked at each other not knowing what to do.

"I'm sorry." he broke the silence. He let go of your nape and fastened his seatbelt as he drove once again.

You just looked outside the window as you subconsciously touched your lips.

You must be crazy because you wanted him to just pull your nape again and kiss you again like that, maybe longer even.

...

All day.

The only thing on your mind the whole day was Satoru kissing you. Thankfully, he had extra classes today so you wouldn't be going home with him today.

You entered the house and you saw your mother on the living room couch with a bunch of magazines.

"Hey, sweetheart." she greeted you, "Where's Satoru?"

"Huh?" you suddenly panicked.

Oh for fuck's sake, you just heard his name and you went nutsy.

"Where's your brother?"

When you heard that word it felt like something shattered. It vexed you— you also felt that small prick in your heart.

"He had extra classes." you said as you walked to the stairs, but before your foot even touched the first step, you turned to your mother.

You wanted to say that he isn't your brother.

He's not really, right?

Your mother noticed how you were just standing there, "Do you need something?"

"Nothing."

You just let it go.

Your mother might think that there is something going on if you say that, considering that you two have been close these past few weeks.

You did everything you could to forget the scene earlier. You did your tasks, you read a book— no, books. You rolled on your bed, stared at the ceiling and looked outside the window.

But you can't take your mind off that.

You even took a bath to freshen up your mind but Satoru's still there.

It's like he's living in your mind.

You were blow drying your hair until you heard a knock on your door. You turned the blower off and opened the door, revealing the man that occupied your head the whole damn day.

"You're home." you said as you looked at him, it felt like your world lit up.

It was like the whole scene before you was a bright light and the center of it all was Satoru.

"Were you waiting for me?" he asked you and gave you a smile.

"Stop smiling." you said as you went back to your vanity table, Satoru then followed you inside and closed the door.

"Why?"

Because he's making your heart crazy? Because that smile was giving you all sorts of feelings that you feel like falling on your knees? That's why, why did he even ask?

He snatched the blower from your hand and dried your hair himself. You looked at him through the mirror as he combed your hair.

Is he done not talking to you? Is he back to his old self?

"So... you're not avoiding me anymore?" you asked and a simple nod was his answer.

"Satoru." you called his name. He hummed and looked at you in the mirror. "Are you really sorry?"

"For what?"

"For kissing me."

He stopped combing your hair. He turned the blower off and you turned to him, you looked up and you saw him staring at your face.

"I really want to because it's wrong." he answered you, "But I'm not."

He moved his hand to cup your face, thumb caressing your cheeks as he looked straight to your eyes. "Is it bad?"

"I want you to do that again. Is it bad?" you returned the question. He just stared at you with his ocean blue eyes, calculating every little move your face makes.

Memorizing every feature on your gorgeous face so that when he closes his eyes as he kisses you, he'd see your face.

"Satoru-"

He bent down and pressed his lips against yours. You smiled in his mouth as you closed your eyes, hooking your arms on his nape as you stood up.

His other hand held your waist and pulled you closer to him, deepening the kiss that you both shared.

You suddenly felt all your nerves, some fussy things were moving inside your stomach and your heart was racing as if it was in a competition.

Satoru bit and sucked your lips into his mouth causing you to heave a bit, making it possible for him to delve his tongue inside your mouth.

His other hand went from your cheeks to your hair, gripping the strands in between his fingers.

You're supposed to feel guilty but all you feel is your happiness filling inside your heart. You had never felt so charged, so energetic.

It felt like your battery was empty for a long time then this happened.

Satoru knows that doing this means that he's letting himself fall in deep and he knows that nothing, not even your parents can keep him away from you now.

"We're going, come on." Satoru said as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder to guide you.

Still dazed, you swatted his arm and tried to walk yourself, "I can walk."

"You can't." he insisted, you just let him touch you. Just for tonight.

You'll let him touch you. You'll let yourself be close to him again even if it's just for tonight.

"Okay." you mumbled as you leaned on him. You held on tight to him because after tonight, you'll let go of him.

You'll move on. You don't know how the hell you would do that but you'll figure it out.

You were unaware of your surroundings because you were with Satoru, all you know is that he talked to Yuna about something and now you are both walking to his car.

He opened the passenger's seat and supported your head as you entered his car. He bent down to fasten your seatbelt and all you did was to look at his face the entire time.

Disregarding the fact that it wasn't going any differently like the last time— though, you didn't ask him any questions now.

Satoru looked at your face once he was finished, he gave you a smile before closing the door on your side.

He sat on the driver's seat and was about to put his seatbelt on when you held his hand. "Satoru. Gojo Satoru."

"Hmm?" he turned his head to you, you gave him a smile as you cupped his cheeks, he held your hand that was on his face.

"You know..." you started, "You look like someone."

Satoru frowned for a bit but then he asked you, "Who?"

"The man that I love." you said as you pulled your hand away from his face as you lean your back on your seat, closing your eyes. "But he's gone."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know." you chuckled as you wiped your tears, "He just went on living as if I wasn't a part of his life, you know? What a jerk, right?"

Satoru just listened to you, impervious to the fact that you are pertaining to him.

"But I miss him so much," tears began to fall one by one until it wasn't unstoppable, "I miss him, Satoru. Can you bring him back? Please? Bring him back to me."

"What are you doing?!" you asked Satoru with your wide eyes when he just hopped in the shower with you. "Our parents-"

It has been a few weeks since that kiss you shared and it was agreed that you are in a relationship with him, just like that.

And since then it was hard to keep your hands off each other. It was hard though, the sneaking and the hiding.

As much as you want to sleep in the same room and just embrace each other all night, you live with your mom and his dad. Sometimes, he would sneak out of his room and go to yours and he would wake up before your parents did to go back to his.

You both admit it, your situation is kind of exhausting and risky.

But you both felt nothing but excitement and happiness. You have never felt this happy ever since your father left. It was a bit sad though that you cannot flaunt to everyone how happy you are.

However, you thought, it doesn't matter if they know or not. What's important is that you and Satoru knew.

It's your precious moments together that's important. You know that it's only yours and you both get to keep that memories close to your heart.

"They went to work already." He gave you a mischievous grin as he wrapped his arms around your bare waist and rested his chin on your head.

You just let him be as you both let the water fall on your bodies.

You close your eyes as you feel Satoru touch your body with his hands, as you feel his lips kiss your face down to your neck. You feel every little bit of spark as the tip of his fingers came in touch with your skin.

You turned around to face him.

You wrapped your arms around his shoulder and was about to kiss him but then you heard a knock on the bathroom door along with the voice of your mother.

You pushed Satoru and gestured to him to keep his mouth shut.

"Mom?!" you said a bit loudly, "I'm taking a bath!"

"I forgot my makeup bag there. Can you hand it to me?" you heard her. You looked at the sink and you saw her purse.

Shit.

"Hide behind the curtain." you whispered and he just nodded at you.

You wrapped the towel around your body and got the purse, you opened the door slightly— enough to hand the purse to your mother.

"Here you go." you were about to close the door when she stopped you.

You feel like your body is shaking. Nervousness was flowing all through your veins.

"Did Satoru leave already? His car's still here."

"Huh? I don't know, why would you ask me? I'm taking a bath here." you said continuously with a hint of being defensive, you just hope that your mother wouldn't sense it. "Maybe he went out for a while. I don't know."

Your mother just nodded and then you closed the door, you leaned on it and exhaled in relief. You look at Satoru who was covering his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

You glared at him but then that glare turned into a silent laugh as you joined him in the shower again.

He was about to kiss you but then you stopped him, he pouted. "Why?"

"We need to get going. We still have classes, you know?"

"We don't need to attend though." he chuckled, you just rolled your eyes at him, "I'm just kidding."

...

"Do you think they're wondering where we are?" you ask Satoru while your fingers are interlocked as you walk side by side at the beach.

In your free hands were your shoes', you just felt the sand on your feet and the mini waves that were thumping on your legs. It was refreshing, looking at the extensive body of water made you feel free.

And it was special because you are with Satoru.

"No. We go home late anyways sometimes." he answered, "Just tell them you had something at your organization then I had an extra class."

You just smiled and nodded at him. Your classes actually ended two hours ago but then Satoru wanted to take you out on a date to the beach. It was a bit far because you had to drive out from the city.

You liked staring out at the sea because it reminded you of Satoru's eyes. Just like his eyes, the sea was calming.

Looking at his irises always gives you the sanctuary and assurance that you need whenever you are feeling overwrought.

You both sat on the sand as you looked at the sea. Well, you were but then Satoru points out the guy that stumbled on the sand and now you are both laughing.

"Stop it." you said and tried with all your might to stop laughing, "You know that's not nice."

"Then why are you laughing with me?"

You snorted and lightly smacked him in the shoulder, "Because he fell, stupid ass."

You just looked at each other as you laughed your ass off. You stopped when you noticed that Satoru was just looking at you with a smile on his face, "What?"

"I'm capturing your laugh in my mind," he said as he point his temple. "I'm making a film here."

"Huh?" you said with a confused tone and face.

"I'm making a film about you in my mind. So that when I want to see it, I can just wind it back to the beginning."

You let out a wide smile, "Oh, so that's a fancy way for you to say that you are engraving me in your memories? Is that it?"

Satoru just gave you a nod and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you close to lean on him. You felt him kiss your hair. "I love you."

You felt like your whole body shook up. Did he just say that he loves you?

You turned your head to look at his face, "What did you just say?"

"I'm saying I love y-"

You didn't let him finish and just turned your body around to kiss him, you both laughed when he fell onto his back in the sand. You cup his face as you savor every touch that your lips were making.

You didn't need to say it back because he wasn't asking you, he was telling you— and this kiss, it was enough for him to know that you feel the same.

You didn't care about other people whether they were looking at the two of you or not. You had your own little world with him.

"You have sand on your hair." you said as you pulled away. And being the menace that he is, he got a handful and put it in your hair.

"Now you have too."

"Satoru!"

...

"I was looking for you." you closed your book and looked up at your boyfriend, "Your blockmate says you like reading here."

You just nodded, you both leaned on the tree. "You know this is a nice make out spot."

You look at him with wide eyes, "Satoru! We're on campus."

"So? They can't see us, the big tree is covering us."

"Stop it." you said as you read your book again. Satoru got your book and held your chin in between his fingers. He pressed his lips into yours as he held the book up to your faces to cover it.

"There. I told you no one would see." he said as he winked at you.

"You're insane." you said as you looked around. No one seemed to look at you two, the students had their own life.

"I know, right?" he said and chuckled. You just shook your head and continued reading with a smile on your face, all the while, Satoru was just leaning on your shoulders.

"We saw that." You and Satoru both looked at the people who were standing in front of you. The woman sat beside you, "I'm Shoko and that idiot there is Suguru."

"You're the idiot, idiot. " You suppressed your laugh because they looked cute and friendly. Suguru scratched his head, "I told her that we should leave you two alone."

"Then why didn't you?" Satoru said, you just nudged his shoulder because he sounded rude when the two of them are just being nice, though, they watched you two kiss so..

"What? I just wanted to befriend them, they look cute together." Shoko made a face to Suguru and then turned to you, "So, what's your name?"

Satoru just stared at you as you cried your eyes out inside his car. You covered your face with your hands as you sob. He didn't know what else to do but what bothers him the most is that he was hurting too.

He doesn't even know you and you barely talk to him but seeing you like this hurts the hell out of him.

"I.." he sighed, "I don't know what to do. Can I do some-"

"Just take me home." you said as you wiped your tears, "Please."

He just looked at you with a glint of concern in his eyes and started to drive away. You just stared outside the window— not even sparing him a single glance because you know that once you do, you'll start breaking down again.

The car ride to your home was silent. The gloomy atmosphere filled the space and naturally, Satoru would want to lift up your spirits but something tells him that he should leave you alone.

He doesn't get it, why does it hurt like this? Why is he hurting too much?

He didn't know that he cares about you like this.

"Can you manage going inside? I need to go back for Yuna-"

You removed your seatbelt and opened the car door yourself, slamming it once you got outside. Leaving Satoru in there as you go inside alone.

That's right, he has Yuna now. You're nothing to him now, you were just simply his stepsister.

Months have passed and Satoru and Yuna are you don't know, getting serious? You weren't driving to school with him just like before.

He wasn't taking you out on dates, he takes Yuna. Of course, she's his girlfriend. What do you expect when you pushed them?

And you are doing all your might to move on from him. Sometimes you are just wishing that there's a on and off button when you fall in love with someone so that you can just turn your feelings off for Satoru or you wish that you are still dreaming.

You try sleeping it off every time to see if you'd wake up from this absurd dream that's why you are asleep most of the time but to no avail, this is really happening.

You have to push through this pain. You can't even open it up to your friends because who would believe that you travel back to time?

"Satoru, why don't you invite your girlfriend for dinner tomorrow?" your mother said and looked at Satoru across the dining table.

You gripped your utensils, why, why did your mother have to say that? Why are they inflicting pain on you even more?

Though you can't blame them because they don't know.

"Yes, that's a nice idea. Let's meet her." His father added.

You just looked down and continued on eating, you can't look to any of them because you know you'd fall apart.

"I'll tell her." Satoru answered and that's when you dropped your utensils, they looked at you.

You stood up and picked your plate up, "I'm finished."

You didn't let them say anything and went to the sink to put your plate down and after that you locked yourself up in your room.

Each and everyday just gets harder for you. Sometimes you just want to run away but where would you go?

"Did you read all of this already?" Satoru asked as he look at your bookshelf, you just hummed at him because you were busy reading a book. "How did you get into reading anyways?"

"My father is a teacher." you answered.

Satoru just looked around until he noticed your book. His eyes squinted as he got that from your shelves, "Oh. This isn't a book."

You looked at him and immediately stood up but it's too late because he already opened it, you forgot to put a lock on it. Shit.

"You smoke?" you noticed a bit of disapproval in his voice. You nodded as you walk towards him.

"Is there a problem with that?"

"Yeah." He answered, "I don't like it. I mean- I just don't."

You sensed the change around his atmosphere. It feels like he was bothered and disgruntled? You closed the book that you are currently reading and walked towards him. "Why...?"

"That thing kills, you know? Aren't you afraid to have some kind of disease because of that?" Satoru answered a bit uneasy, "I just don't want to lose you. What if you got sick?"

You were a bit surprised when you saw tears cascading down on the side of his eyes.

"Hey. Hey." You soothed him, you pulled him to sit in your bed, "It's okay. You are not going to lose me, okay? I'll throw it out. I promise."

He pulled you down to sit on his lap, he buried his face on your neck and tighten his grasp on your waist. You just kiss and caress his hair until he calms down a bit.

"My mom died of lung cancer." he whispered while his face are still buried on your neck.

You just sighed and tapped his back gently. He didn't need to explain anything any further, you understood him and you know that this is a serious matter for him.

"Okay. I won't smoke anymore. I promise."

...

"Baby, wake up." you whispered and poked Satoru's cheek. He sneaked inside your room again and he needs to wake up now because your mom will wake up any time now.

Not that she's checking both your rooms but what if she did? You just can't risk getting caught.

Satoru just groaned and tightened his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

"I don't want to let go of you." He whispered, you chuckled and gave him a peck on his lips.

"You'll see me later. You need to go back to your room now."

Your set up has been like this for a year now. You don't even know how you both managed to keep this a secret for a twelve months.

And that reminds you, this day marks your one year together.

He whined for a bit like a child but then he sat down on your bed. You just laughed at his face because he looked so down. "You always see me anyways. Aren't you getting tired of my face?"

Satoru clicked his tongue and cupped your face, "This face? Why would I get tired of my pretty baby's face?"

You giggled when he kiss your face all over and finally on your lips. "I love you. See you later."

Satoru silently slipped out of your room and went to his as you laid back down on your bed. It feels weird, not having him in your bed. It felt empty.

But you can't do anything about it. You know your mother wouldn't like this because you're supposed to be family.

But what can you do when he's the one who only made you feel like this?

You woke up before Satoru and went down on the living room once you finished taking a bath and fixed yourself. It was your last day on the uni before your summer break and your mom and Satoru's dad's wedding is getting near as well.

They have been living in your house for nearly two years now. You were happy for your mother but when you think about their wedding day coming— you feel this hurt in your chest.

Because you know they'll never accept your relationship but you don't want to ruin your mother's happiness.

You don't want to hide it but you are afraid of what's going to happen once they knew.

You don't want to leave Satoru either.

You sighed, you don't want to keep thinking about it. For now, you'll just go with whatever happens.

Once you got down, you saw your mother cooking breakfast and Satoru's dad drinking his coffee while he read some news. They looked at you and smiled, then there's your guilt creeping up on you.

"Good morning, darling." Your mother greeted.

"Morning." you simply said.

You just got yourself some coffee and decided to drink it on the front porch because you don't want to see their faces. There's the fear of thinking that they may know something. You were uneasy most of the time and Satoru constantly reminds you that they don't know about you two.

"Hey." You jumped a bit when you heard your boyfriend's voice behind you. You turned around and chuckled when you saw how messy his hair is, he's wearing his black baggy sweater that exposes his collarbone. "Good morning, baby."

As much as he want to hug you from behind and shower you with his kisses, he stopped himself. If only he could, you know he would never let go of you.

"You look sexy in that." you remarked.

"Yeah. I know." He said with a confidence and snatched your cup from you.

"Get your own." you said as you snatched it back again, "Mom might see us."

"They won't. They're in the kitchen and I'm too lazy to get my own."

You shook your head and gave him your coffee, "Drink it fast and get ready, I don't want to be late on our last day."

"Okay, boss." He answered, you turned around to enter your house but then Satoru called your name. You hummed and looked at him, "Happy anniversary, baby."

You just smiled at him and went inside. One year, it seems like yesterday you didn't want him in your house but now, you are celebrating your one year anniversary with him.

Life is really unpredictable, huh.

...

"Where are you going again?"

"It's at Ieiri's family lake house." You tell your mother, "Don't worry about me, Satoru's there anyways."

You told your mother that you and your circle of friends are having a weekend getaway at Ieiri's lake house because it was summer already. You need some excuse so that you and Satoru can celebrate your anniversary which was yesterday and luckily your friends are supportive.

You also told your parents that the people consists of ten to fifteen people so it wouldn't be suspicious but the truth is it's just you, Satoru, Ieiri and Suguru.

You didn't want to lie but you really have no choice.

"Let's go?" you turned to Satoru and nodded.

Your mother kissed your cheek, "Okay. Take care, don't drink too much. I know there will be drinking so.." she turned to Satoru, "Look out for your sister, okay?"

You cringed a lot to yourself when you heard the word 'sister'. It weirded you out because you know, you and Satoru are having sex and that's not what step-siblings do.

Satoru noticed your face and snorted a bit but then he gave your mother a smile, "I will."

Not long, you heard some car honk outside, you both went outside and you saw Ieiri leaning on the campervan. "Hey, let's go."

You excitedly went inside with Ieiri and saw Suguru on the driver's seat, he smiled at you. "Hey. Where's Satoru?"

Before you could even answer, Satoru went inside. "Hey, ugly face."

"Hey, monkey face." Suguru teased Satoru, you just rolled your eyes and sat beside Ieiri.

"Your mom bought your excuse?" she asked as she open a bottle of beer for you and for her, you nodded as you reach the can.

"Thank you for doing this." You said, Ieiri just gave you a smile and placed her arm around your shoulder.

"Of course! That's what friends are for."

The road trip to the lake house were fun as usual. It is never boring with the four of you. There's always Satoru and Suguru teasing each other or sometimes its Shoko and Suguru then you and Satoru.

It's basically just you making fun of each other.

"I don't get it. How could you stand Satoru when he's being annoying like this?" Ieiri told you as she glare at your boyfriend.

"Oh. You don't know how annoyed at him at the beginning. I just want to punch his face sometimes, you know?" you added, earning a laugh from Suguru and Ieiri.

"Hey!" Satoru exclaimed, he looked at you for a bit at the rear-view mirror because it was his turn to drive. "You're being mean to me."

...

When you arrived at the lake house, Suguru and Ieiri decided to take a nap on their respective rooms while you and Satoru decided to look around.

You were left with awe once you arrived, it was a two storey window lake house with prow front and a rustic design inside. It was enormous and utterly beautiful, it was the perfect place for you and Satoru to celebrate your first ever anniversary.

"You know I have always wanted a big house like this." you said as you sat on the front porch with him, "So that I could have my own library."

"Okay."

Your brows furrowed and looked at Satoru, "What okay?"

"Okay, I'll build you a big house with your own big library. Then I'll buy you all the books in this world. Read all of them, anytime you want."

"Really?"

"Really."

You smiled and leaned your head on his shoulders. You looked at the lake and started thinking about your future with Satoru. You pictured getting married, buying or as Satoru said, building a big house and having kids.

You wanted all that with him but there's still the thought of your parents finding out. The life with Satoru seemed far-fetched when you two are hiding the beautiful relationship that you have.

"Do you see me in your future?"

You heard Satoru chuckled, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder. "Baby, I already planned everything out in my mind. I even know what our kids names will be."

"You mean child. I only want one."

"But I want ten."

"Excuse me?!" you exclaimed, you looked at him and you saw that mischievous grin on his face, "Okay, maybe two but ten? Do you think my uterus is some kind of baby factory or whatever?"

You know he was just kidding but you like to ride on his stupid jokes because you two click just like that.

"How about eight?"

"No."

"Six?"

"No."

"Hmm. We'll see."

You just want to dig a hole, get inside and bury yourself there.

That's all you wanted to do as you hear your mother tell Yuna how beautiful she is. How she and Satoru were so cute together.

You just want to yell, oh my god, we get it. They're cute, why don't you marry them yourself if you like them together so much.

But you kept your mouth shut. You are just listening on from the kitchen, the plan is to get water and go back to your room immediately but you can't stop yourself from listening to their conversation.

"You'll go to our engagement party, okay?" your mother invited Yuna. Great, they said that was for family only. So, is she? Part of your family?

You took a deep breath just to ease the pain building inside your chest. So, just get out of there and go to your room.

But you must like to inflict obliterating pain on yourself. You saw how Satoru's eyes sparkle when he's with Yuna. You saw how he can't keep his eyes off her.

Is he making a film about Yuna on his mind too? Maybe. Yuna's the star on the film that he's making now and you're a mere side character.

A side character who was essential to get them together but still, your role was just in the beginning and you were set aside like you were nothing when you were Satoru's whole world back then.

"Oh." Satoru said with a love-struck look in his face. You swear you can almost see some heart coming out of his eyes as he look at you with his loving look.

You smiled and turned your body to give him a full look on your dress, "Pretty, right?"

"Baby, you are.." he walked towards you and checked you out again, "I don't know. Gorgeous, alluring, ravishing, captivating, lovely, striking, magnificent-"

"Okay, Satoru." you pressed your index finger on his lips to stop him from saying every word on the dictionary, you noticed some of the saleslady chuckling and cooing at you two. "I get it, babe. Thank you."

Satoru just kissed the side of your head, "You can't blame because you look really beautiful."

You are dress shopping with Satoru for your mother and his fathers' engagement party, you were supposed to go alone but you know Satoru, he would want to be with you every chance he get.

But you aren't complaining, because you also want to be with him every minute of every day.

...

"Dance with me." Satoru whispered to your ear.

If you could, you would. But you know they might get suspicious if they see you that close to each other. No, scratch suspicious— they would know about you two.

But you had to admit it, you also wanted to get on the dance floor and slow dance with Satoru just like your mom and his dad or the other guests.

"Satoru." You sighed and looked at him, "You know we can't."

"Okay, what if we get out of here? We'll come back."

"We'll leave the party just so we could dance with each other?" you paused, Satoru looked at you waiting for your answer, "Yeah. Okay."

You both giggled and you looked around first before subtly slipping out of the party, once you went out of the event hall, Satoru held your hand and dragged you to the event's place garden.

"Milady." Satoru said as he laid his hand for you, you let out a smile as you held his hand. Satoru spun you around then he held your waist once you face him.

You held into his shoulders as you both dance to the faint music from the event hall. It wasn't that far from the garden, so the music that was playing was enough for the two of you to hear.

You then changed your positions and now you're just embracing each other as you sway your bodies. You just close your eyes as you lean your head on his chest, smiling as you listen to him whisper sweet things to you.

"Satoru."

"Hmm?"

"What if we run away? Then we wouldn't have to hide. We wouldn't sneak out. You don't have to wake up early, you could stay with me in bed or maybe even we could stay in bed all day."

"I'd like that."

You know Satoru, he would do everything for you. He would defy anything for you. You know him and that means, he knows you too.

He knows that you couldn't do that even if you wanted to. He knows that you'll worry about everything.

And he is right. You feel like you were betraying your mother, he knows you feel guilty about keeping this to her. He knows that you couldn't live with the burdened feeling of leaving your mother.

You looked up to him, "Then where would we go?"

"Anywhere you like, my love."

You gave him a smile and hooked your arms around his neck, you tiptoed to reach his face and once you did, you closed your eyes and pressed your lips together.

You kissed Satoru like it was your last, you savored every moment. You felt every reactions that your bodies were making. You felt the rush, the heat— you felt like all of the happiness in the world was being poured at this moment.

But that's the problem of feeling this emotion, you can feel it anytime but you don't know when would it be taken from you. Your happiness at this moment was fleeting and it was exchanged with fear.

"Satoru."

You both looked at the person who spoke. It was his father, together with your mother who was looking at you with her surprised eyes.

"Mom.." you stuttered, you pulled away from Satoru. She just looked at you with clear hurt and disappointment in her eyes. You know it's the worst, when she isn't saying anything.

You walked towards her and held her hand, "Mom. Listen-"

You were stunned when she strike your face with the palm of her hand. Satoru's eyes widen at the sudden violence, he didn't waste any time and pulled you close to him. Your mother looked at the two of you with disbelief.

"How could you do this? I thought you were supportive of me? But you were sabotaging me the whole time."

You know yourself that it wasn't your intention to sabotage her. You were just in love.

"It's not like that- I wasn't.. Please."

She just took a deep breath and went back inside. You covered your face with your hands as you sob. Satoru embraced you in his arms and just let you cry.

Satoru's dad gave the two of you a glance before going after your mother. He was surprised but he didn't feel any anger. In fact, he was a bit happy that he get to see his son this happy. So young and in love— though he thought, it was unfortunate that it was you who he fell in love with.

Five, was it?

No, you think it was a countless glasses of champagne to make you this light-headed and a bit out of yourself. You aren't planning on getting drunk on your mother's engagement party but seeing Satoru dance with Yuna on the dance floor, just ruins your mood.

That was supposed to be you, you thought.

Funny, they get to do what you two can't do then. You were just tapping the table as you watch the bubbles on your champagne. You don't know where would you turn your attention to so you just did that.

You know how would this harrowing event end but then, you changed it, right? This night would end differently unlike the one from the past.

You frowned when Satoru walked towards you and Yuna went you don't know where. "Hey."

"Hey!" you said a bit loud and cheerful, so you snickered, "Where's your girlfriend heading to?"

"Bathroom." He sat beside you, "Are you okay? You're getting a bit drunk.. you know that's enough."

"I'm fine! Now, tell me about Yuna. She's nice, huh?" you rested your elbows on the table and looked intently at Satoru who was now frowning at you.

"Yeah. She's great."

"Nice! So... are you going to marry her?" you laughed as you wipe the tears that was already flooding your eyes.

Satoru looked around, some of the guests were looking at you now since your laugh wasn't that hard to ignore. He sighed as he stand up, he's always looking out for you whenever you are drunk and he doesn't know why he keeps on doing that.

You always concern him when you are like this.

He doesn't know if you had a problem with or what but he noticed that you only talk to him when you are drunk, he knows you are avoiding him when you are sober. There are times that he tries to make conversation with you but you always answer him with only a one word.

The last longest talk you had was after Hana's party and that was months ago.

And, you were drunk then.

Like you are now.

"Let's get you out of here." He said, "Before your mother sees you like this. Please?"

You sighed and nodded at him. You stood up and he tried to support you but you swatted his hand away, if you let him touch you then you know you won't keep away from him.

You tried so hard for months not to make contact with him and you wouldn't let yourself now.

He just followed you until you reached the garden, you laughed when you remembered what happened here.

"Satoru." you said, "Remember what happened here?"

"No. I don't. What are you saying?"

That's right, you sighed and shook your head. "Nothing. I'm talking shit. Don't mind me."

You looked at him. You need to fight it. You need to stop yourself from touching him.

But you miss him so much, you miss him so much that it ruins you.

But fuck it, he isn't in love with you now so you aren't breaking any rules from that white freaking book from some kind of magical creature you don't even know.

You walked towards Satoru and wrapped your arms around his waist, you rested your head on his chest. "I miss you."

Satoru thought you were talking about the man that you love that looks like him, which is really him though he isn't aware, so he let you.

You were always devastated. You don't talk to him but he observes you every now and then, he have always noticed how dreary you look. You radiate that kind of energy that he can feel your pain too.

"I miss you, Satoru." you whispered but enough for him to hear. "I miss you so freaking much. I miss being close to you like this."

"I'm.." he paused, "I'm not him. I'm not the man that you are talking about, right?"

He's not him.. you felt like something woke up inside you once you heard him say that.

You pulled away from him and you nodded.

It was like you are waking up slowly.

He's right. He is Satoru but he isn't your Satoru.

Your Satoru always looked at you with gleam in his eyes. He always looked at you and touched you like you were the most precious and fragile thing in this whole world.

He treated you like you were his whole universe. You know that even from his last breath.

Your Satoru died already, he's not him.

"You're right." you answered, "You aren't him."

You calmed yourself down and told Satoru that you are going to talk to your mother, so you left him on the garden and followed your mother inside, she isn't on the events hall so you figured that she was on the dressing room.

You knocked before you open the door and you were right, she was sitting on the chair while talking to someone on the phone.

"Mom.." she looked at you and dropped the call, "Let's talk, please."

"There's nothing to talk about. You and Satoru can't happen. I'm sending you to your aunt out of the country-"

You stopped her. She can't do that. You aren't a child that she could just send somewhere she like. You are an adult who is capable of making decisions.

"Mom, no! Please, would you just listen to me?!" you pleaded. "Just listen, please."

"It's done. You can't change my mind-"

You took a deep breath as you leave the room, shutting the door behind you. If she won't listen then you wouldn't have any choice but to do what you're thinking, right?

You ran to the garden and you saw Satoru waiting for you, you smiled and laid your hand for him. "What happened?"

"Hold my hand." you said, and once he did— you squeezed it, "We're running away. Okay?"

Satoru frowned, "What?"

"Just... please. Let's get away from here."

You don't know how all of this is happening. All you know is that you are now on the passenger's seat of his Satoru's car as he drive to somewhere you don't know.

You were just looking outside and Satoru is looking at you every now and then with a worried look in his face.

"Satoru.. I can't. I can't hurt my mom." You looked at him, tears cascading from your eyes.

"Do you want to go back?"

It was entirely up to you. Satoru would do everything you ask of him.

But if you go back then you'd be far away from him.

So, do you want to go back?

"No... I don't. Just drive."

Why does it have to be like this? You just loved. Is this the cost of being happy?

"Are you sure?" Satoru asked one more time. You wiped your tears and smiled at him, you are very sure.

You want to be with him. That is all you want.

"I'm sure. Okay? So, just get us far away from here. Get us to some place that we wouldn't need to hide. That we can be just us."

Satoru looked at you and smiled, "Okay, boss."

You both chuckled and looked ahead but then your smile faded.

All of it happened too fast.

Lights.

Sirens.

You heard all sorts of noises and all you wanted is for them to shut up so you could rest peacefully. You had never felt this kind of weight on your body and all you wanted was to rest.

You closed your eyes for a bit and all of the noise faded, when you opened them the first person you saw was your mother.

You saw how happy she looked, she immediately stood up and called someone. Your mind was a bit hazy, you tried looking around and he was nowhere to be found.

Satoru... where is he?

"Mom." You called for her, she held your hand and cupped your face, "Satoru.. where is Satoru?"

Your mother sighed and kissed your forehead, "He's right there, honey."

You looked at where she pointed at, there was some glass door dividing the room, you can see him as he sleep peacefully.

You felt relieved, you are both fine.

Some doctors checked you out and did some tests on you to see if you were alright. You just stared at Satoru as you wait for him to wake up.

The doctors said that he might take longer to wake up than you because his injuries were far more extensive.

But he would wake up, you know that.

So, you would just sleep on your side— facing Satoru, watching him every second as you wait for him to open his eyes. You wanted to stand up to hold him but you still can't. So, all you can do was stare at him.

You lost track of how long you were watching him.

It has been two or three days? You are doing your physical therapy today, Ieiri and Suguru visited the both of you but he isn't waking up yet.

"Baby." you whispered as you look at him, "Wake up. Please?"

...

"I can't! I can't do this!" you cried out, "Please. I can't. Mom, it hurts."

"You can do it, honey. You just need to- okay, what would Satoru say if he's awake? He would say that you can do it. He would tell you not to give up, right?"

Your physical therapy was excruciating and exhausting. It made you feel like you are in a bottom pit and no matter what you can't pull yourself up.

But what gets you through is Satoru because he'll wake up. He is your strength and you know that he won't let you give up.

So you pushed through— you need to get through this so when he wakes up, you'll be there to help him when it's his turn to do this.

The days turns into weeks. You could stand up on your own now and you are almost done with your physical therapy— sooner you would be sent home but how could you go home without Satoru?

You held his hand, "Satoru. I swear if you don't wake up."

You sighed and caressed his face, outlining every bit of his features using your fingers, "I miss you. Please, wake up."

You never left Satoru's side. You were about to nod off but then you heard the doctor went inside his room. You stood up along with your mother and Satoru's father, you frowned when you saw the doctor's face.

"Mr. and Mrs. Gojo, I know this is a very hard time for you but this is the time that we ask you about his health care directives— you should decide to take him to long-term care facilities or take him off the ventilator-"

"What?" you said, "No. We're not taking him off. We aren't pulling the plug or anything. He's going to wake up."

It was automatic that you felt scared when you heard them say that. There's no way that you are giving up. You wouldn't give up on him because you know that if you are the one on his shoes, he wouldn't give up on you too.

"Honey. They're just saying our choices." your mother calmed you.

You sighed and sat back down to the chair beside his bed and held his hand. "Satoru, get your stupid ass up."

Your tears fell one by one as you rest your forehead on his bed while you hold his hand.

This is so unfair, you cannot lose him.

He can't do this to you.

You pulled your head up when you felt him squeeze your hand, it wasn't strong but you felt it. "Satoru?"

"Hey." Your eyes widen as your lips formed a wide smile, he cleared his throat and slowly opened his eyes, "My stupid ass is up."

...

"The food here is shit." Satoru whispered to you causing for you to chuckle. "Why would they give us this shit?"

You snorted, "You have no choice because this shitty food is only the one you could eat."

You were so happy. After weeks, you never lost hope that Satoru would wake up and he did. He was so energetic and talkative like he was before.

You would talk and laugh with him like the usual thing you both did.

"Tell me what you want to eat and I'll buy you that once you're allowed to eat something from outside." you said.

Satoru hummed as he thought about it carefully, "Anything sweet will do."

You assented, "Okay. I will get you all of it."

You get what you both wanted to do, to fall asleep in each other's arm and now he doesn't need to sneak out or something. It's just a bit unfortunate that it had to be in a hospital bed but at least you two were together.

You looked at him as you play with his hair, you both are turned to your side— facing each other.

"Okay, I've reached a decision." you tell him.

"Hmm?"

"Three. But that's it. No more."

Satoru pouted, "You really won't consider five?"

"I told you my uterus isn't a baby factory!"

Satoru chuckled and tightened his arm on your waist, "Okay. Fine. You win."

"Okay. There's no take-backs. I win. Three it is." You said as you giggle but then your brows furrowed when you noticed how pale he looked. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. You're here. I'm alright." he mumbled. "I'm more than alright."

"Are you sure? I'll call a doctor-"

"No. Just stay here, okay? I need you here." you nodded but you were really getting worried. He looked like his energy was being sucked slowly out of him, you can feel his hold on you gets detached slowly.

"Satoru, please. Just let me call-"

He cupped your cheeks and gave you a faint smile. "You know I love you so much. So much."

You bit your lip, your eyes are welling up and you don't like any of this. You aren't getting a good feeling about this.

"I know that." You closed your eyes and pressed your lips into his. "You know I do too. I love you so much."

He just hummed. "I know, baby."

"Satoru." you said his name, "Don't… please."

"I'm getting tired. Can I close my eyes?"

Is this what they say? The calm before the storm? The surge before death?

Is this it?

He was fine. He woke up and he laughed with you, he was making his usual stupid jokes.

Your tears began to fall. You pulled him close to you and laid his head on your arms as you plant a kiss on his hair, "Alright.. you can rest."

"You aren't him." you repeated, "I know because he died right here in my arms. So, it's impossible because the man that who loves me is already dead."

Maybe it's time that you let go. You are in a dream that was designed for you to get hurt and in order for you to wake up, you have to accept that Satoru's gone.

You know that this dream was made for you to see that you should lose hope because Satoru would never come back.

He wouldn't come back to you.

No matter what.

He wouldn't.

Satoru smiled at you, he walked towards you and held your face. "It's time for you to wake up."

You smiled and you nodded, it's time for you to start accepting that he's gone.

He leaned his face closer to yours— you both closed your eyes and he pressed his lips on yours.

You opened your eyes.

You are back on your bed, you looked around and you saw the unbearable surroundings. You stared at the ceiling.

So, it was all a dream. He didn't come back and you didn't travel two years back. You knew it, Satoru would never hurt you like that. He wouldn't love anyone beside you so you knew it was a dream.

You can hear that continuous sound but you closed your eyes and just held him close to you. The nurses and the doctors rushed inside but they stopped when they saw you.

They turned off the monitor so that you can have peace with him.

You felt someone touch your back, you turned your head and saw your mother and his father, "He's not going to wake up now, is he?"

"I'm sorry, honey."

You just closed your eyes and caressed his soft ivory hair. They left you alone as you hold Satoru close to you.

"It's okay." you whispered, "I'm here, Satoru. You can rest all you want and I'll just hold you."

It was faint but you could hear them say it, that's when you let out your tumultuous cries because it felt real.

Satoru is gone and he wouldn't come back.

"Time of death, 23:45."

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

So jkks are saying ” all the boys have a beautiful bond” “don’t blame jk for what the shippers are saying” ”he’s not feeding anything, him and tae are just friends” and i can’t help but laugh. if they think jikook is real (i stopped thinking that awhile ago) how can they not see how inappropriate his comment was? how can they ignore that he admitted to knowing everything happening on sm and yet he continues to bring up tae and validate their relationship while he fails to acknowledge jm(in a serious matter)every single time? Idc about jikook i think jm deserves better but it pisses me off how they ignore all these things when it comes to jm. It’s like saying jk cares about showing his bond with tae more than he cares about the hate jm gets but in another way

Shippers have selective memory and thinking, that's a fact. When JK never posted for Jimin's bday after 2019, or when Instagram was suddenly "for work" but they started taking it as Real and Definitive Confirmation the one time he mentioned Jimin on instagram. Or how one verse from a sad song was about Jimin but all the other breakup songs definitely weren't about him. Or when they were crying over JK writing a love letter for Jimin's bday in 2019 meanwhile Jimin was on vlive literally choosing a question from the millions he got and choosing to say "I'm not dating anyone at the moment". I could understand why he did this but in the end, he said it.

So yeah, pretty much all of them just take whatever piece of information is convenient and what makes sense with a preconceived idea and then work their way around it, ignoring what doesn't fit the narrative.

I said back then when it happened but people thought it was significant in some way when JK answered questions about Jimin that the comments were full of "taekook day" and how he "ignored" those, and I said it didn't mean anything. And it doesn't. When he was talking about tae in the last vlive he was pausing to check the comments and we all know what they were saying and now nobody's talking about choices lmao.

The reactions and double standards to these things are more annoying than the situation itself, maybe the reactions are the only annoying thing. It would be best if everyone just accepted "okay I'm uncomfortable with this" or "what does this say about them?" and moved on.

I like jungkook, I don't hate him, I've loved him for a long time now. But I also just recently realized that I like him better when I'm not thinking of him in relation to Jimin or anyone else. If I've never thought that he was dating Jimin, this wouldn't have mattered at all. And I wouldn't be uncomfortable and sad about something that isn't supposed to be a big deal. But because I do have higher expectations/standards for him when it comes to Jimin, I tend to feel like this. And I want to say that's just me and my silly imagination thinking that they're together, I would love to say that it's just my imagination, but I know that not everything was made up.

If they're together, I can understand Jimin. I've never had a problem with understanding Jimin or understanding his intentions and his statements to me were always coherent in every sense, except for very few situations here and there but nothing heartbreaking. Apart from Jimin, overall it's not a dynamic that I can understand fully on the present day. Maybe I understood it perfectly a year or two ago, but I don't now. And like I've said the other day, I'm tired of the back and forth and trying to make sense of some aspects of it all, so there's no point in me talking about things that I have no real knowledge of.

There's no bitterness, no bad feelings at all, I'm not one to resent anything or anyone and I know I'm partially to blame for taking this whole thing so seriously and letting myself become this emotionally attached to an idea. There's a lot of sadness I won't deny that but I'll live. And a lot of #acceptance.

I just want to say that it's something I have to leave behind because it doesn't bring me joy anymore, it hasn't been a happy experience for me for like a year and I'm sure now that I'm more comfortable not talking about their relationship as anything more than bandmates and friends, like everyone else, or them individually, BTS in general, etc. For any speculation beyond that, I just feel inadequate.

It's also not about one incident in particular, I've been genuinely feeling this way for months now and I was just slowly coming to terms with that, and these past two days talking about them were not great for me, so yeah, I've made up my mind. Maybe this sounds so dramatic and theatrical but I wasn't lying when I said that they used to be a very important and serious thing? presence? for me and I don't see it that way anymore, so I'd rather be honest and take a different approach that matches my actual feelings about them (which are not bad, I want to make that clear, just not the same as before). 🙂

[lunaekalenda]

i really enjoy your writing and i saw that your requests are open!

can i request a fic or a drabble about levi having a massive crush on y/n but later finds out she has a long term s/o (she doesnt really talk about her relationship) and levi tries to get over her but hes stubborn and he can’t ): BUT y/n gets cheated on by her s/o and levi is there for y/n as she heals and it becomes a REALLY slow burn kinda love (-: could be modern au or canon verse whichever you’re comfortable with

thank u sm in advance! i hope you have a great day <3

hiiii!!! thank you so much, i'm really happy knowing that you enjoy it! 🥺 and thats really cool omg!! i hope you like it and it was what you’ve asked for!!! (also I wrote a lot ajajja sorry i got inspired)

𝔠𝔯𝔲𝔰𝔥

❁ levi x female reader!

❁ maybe levi cursing a bit but nothing we haven’t seen before on him lol

❁ and some kicks but again nothing levi hasn’t done before lmao

"That was a good one!" Connie congratulates you when you're again on the floor. The Titan wood figure is now divided in two parts.

"Next time, be a bit more careful." Jean says, looking to the boys that are trying to fix the figure. "I think they will have a hard time fixing it." You blushed when you looked at the boys, both with their hands in their heads. You bowed at them, saying sorry, when they looked at you.

"But that was a-ma-zing." Sasha says. They all agree and Connie looks to the sky.

"I think it's time to eat. You coming?" you moved your head from one side to other.

"No. Jurian is waiting for me to eat." Connie moved his eyebrows and Jean looked with interest.

You usually don't like to talk about your relationship, but this three were your best friends, and you basically threatened them, telling them that if they opened their mouth you would crack them.

"Oooh, then have fun." Jean says. He and Connie smile to each other.

"And try to eat something more than the other’s mouth." Connie laughed right after saying that, and your ears blushed while you walked to the other exit. They waved their hands at you and you waved yours back. You could see Jurian's hair from where you were. But a hand on your shoulder stopped you.

"Oi, wait."

You recognized that voice. When you turned back, Captain Levi was there, looking at you.

"Yes, Captain?"

You were clueless, but Levi's brain was trying his best to form a coherent phrase.

"You're good at it. But next time, try not to break our training models, got it?" You blushed again, remembering the accident. He looked at you, and you thought he was disappointed, but he was totally hypnotized by the way your ears started to get a red color, along with your cheeks. He cleared his throat and looked away. "Try to be more careful next time, but just in the training."

"Yes, Captain Levi." He turned around and went back to the control point, were Hange was waiting for him.

"Wow Levi, that was by far the longest interaction between you two in years."

"Shut up, four eyes"

"I have never seen you so focused on someone."

Levi clicked his tongue, but Hange was right. He had a damn crush on you since you entered the Survey Corps. But, what really caught his attention, was your innocent appearance, that later did not agree with your fierceness in battle. He fell by the grace of your body as it moved through the trees, and your sweet smile every time you come across him. Your voice is driving him crazy and just thinking of all the times you cared for him makes his heart shake. He looks behind him before leaving the control station, making sure you’re gone.

Jurian was playing with a flower when you arrive. He kisses you cheek before holding your hand.

"Did you wait too much?" he moved his head, saying no.

"It's fine, don't worry."

You two walked in silence towards the cantine, but you never ate there. Jur knows a little field apart from the training camp where you can't be seen. He brought a bag with some food, so you sit on the field and start eating.

"How was the practice?" he asks. You swallow the tea and answer.

"It was fine. Levi came to notify me for breaking a figure." he laughs quietly.

You met Jurian on your second year on the Survey Corps. You were being examinated, they were about to decide in which squad they were going to assign you. Your amazing skills on titan elimination and the control of ODMG assured you a place in the best squads: Levi's, Hange's and Erwin's. If you could have chosen, you would choose Levi's, the Special Operations Squad, but the three captains decided to put you on Hange's squad. You're happy to be there, they are really good as captain and you feel comfortable, but you're not into capture titans and experiment with them.

Jurian was also a soldier trying to enter on one of the highest squads, but he didn't pass the test. He was assigned to a little squad on charge of the food and the carts. You started talking later that day, when he told you that you were lucky to join a squad, and somehow both of you started to see each other everyday, which ended in a relationship of four years and a half. You kept this in secret, because

a) the Survey Corps members are really gossip

b) you're not a fan of showing your private life to everybody.

But, that was your error.

Once you two finished eating, Jur said he had to do some training with his squad.

"Now?" he nods "I thought all the trainings were finished for today"

"It's a special one. You know, carts and that things." You nod. He kisses you fast before leaving. You start to walk towards your room. Not surprisingly, Connie is yelling at Sasha, and she's eating something that looks like an onigiri.

You shared a room with Sasha and Historia, but now that Historia left the Corps, Sasha and you sleep alone. Connie and Jean are always on your room, paassing time, and the four of you became a group.

"Sasha just open your mouth, I want to eat too!" she shakes her head. You sigh before unpacking the bag Jurian gave you, telling that he couldn't bring it with him to the training. At the end of the bag, you saw his belt, where the ODMG has to be fastened. You think that probably the training hasn't started yet. You make your way out of your room, almost colliding with Jean, who was about to enter.

"You're going somewhere?"

"I'll be right back, wait a bit!" You started to run towards the training camp. The captains advise not to go out at night, but without that belt, Jurian was unable to train.

"Where are you going?" Levi's voice scared you. You looked around, but you couldn't see him. "Up here." Your gaze runs to a tree. He's is perched on a large branch of the tree, leaning against the trunk. his Maneuvering gear still on. He goes down fast.

"I... I have to give this to somebody, Captain."

"Interesting... May I accompany you?"

If Levi goes with you, he will discover your relationship with Jurian, but if you say no, he probably distrust and lose all esteem he has for you. So you start telling him when you two start walking.

"It's for my boyfriend." his face freezes.

Right now, on Levi Ackerman's head, the remote possibility of you dating someone has gained weight.

"Boyfriend, huh?" he says. He's about to turn back, run and hit something, but he pressures himself to stay calmly. He knows he has now zero opportunities with you, but he keeps in mind the fact that maybe you two have just started and maybe that relationship is going nowhere.

“Yes. We’ve been together for four years.” Levi almost chokes on his saliva, but he hid it well. 

“Tch, I’m just accompanying you, you don’t have to explain to me.” He said. The truth is that hear you talking about your boyfriend hurts him, hurts a lot. But he has to know who is he. You two keep walking. “Wait, where is he? The boy dorms are on the other side.”

“He said he had a training now.” Levi frowned.

“In which squad is he?” He asked. You explained him the position of Jurian, and his eyes where serious. “There aren’t trainings now, and less of that squad. What the hell is he doing?” You looked at him, confused. Jurian is a good and honest guy, it’s impossible that he is lying. “Are you armed?” you shake your head. “Stay behind me and be quiet, got it?”. You nod and Levi starts walking in silence, followed by you. You could see the doors of the training zone from behind him, and two low voices could be heard. You frowned, trying to recognize any of them. One was laughing. It sounded like a woman.

Levi entered the training zone with silent steps, making sure you two aren’t exposed. He pulls a blade out of its sheath, silently, and makes his way to the control station, where a lamp is on. He walks until he’s in front of the door, the voices now can be heard.

“Is it okay, Rian? I mean, your girlfriend...”

“I told you a hundred times she’s so obsessed with being a good soldier and enter Levi’s squad that she’s useless for me. At least she’s pretty and it’s on a good squad.” That voice... That was Jurian. Your boyfriend. The boy you have been dating for the past four years and a half.

And the boy that is cheating on you.

You started crying. You didn’t care about Levi being in front of you our the people inside the cabin. Levi looked over his shoulder to make sure you’re okay. His gaze went a little bit more sweet when he saw you were crying.

He opened the door with one kick, making the two of them yell. Jurian hugged the girl, and you recognized her. She was also in the cart squad.

“What the heck?”

“Tch, I see now.” Levi takes the belt from your hands, and he trows it in front of Jurian. “For this type of training, you don’t need a belt, you bastard.” Levi put his blade again on its sheath. “Do you have something to say?”

“We... wait, why is she here?” He looks at you. Your anger starts to rise at lightning speed.

“You’re a disgrace, Jurian”

“Oh, wait, she’s your girlfriend? I thought it was the girl you were kissing a year ago.” The girl says. You look at her.

“What?” A year ago? So this is not new? You feel your tears running. Levi clicks his tongue once again.

“Look, bastard. You’ll  be cleaning horse shit from now on, and I’ll put in your position someone who takes his job seriously and does not dedicate himself to being unfaithful and flirting with all the women of the regiment”

Jurian opened his mouth before starting to yell.

“You’re no one to give me orders! and I will not tolerate disrespect towards my person withou...”

“I’m tired of hearing you.” Levi kicked Jurian’s knee with strength, making him fall. He growled. “Now, do what I said, because I’ll remind you in case you have forgotten: I’m your Captain. I can give you orders and beat your ass up if you’re being disrespectful towards a comrade.” he says. Jurian tries to get up, failing a couple times, and the girl he was with runs before being scolded by Levi. “Now go.”

“But I’m taking my girlfriend with me.” he says.

“I’m not your girlfriend.”

“We haven’t broke up yet.”

“Huh?” Levi asks. “Do you think she wants to see your face again? Let's go." He says to you. You nod.

"You're really going with him without hearing an explanation?" Jurian says from the floor. You stop, looking at him, but Levi reaches your hand.

It's well-known that Captain Levi avoids all type of contact, so his hand holding yours surprised you. You followed him, letting Jurian behind. Once you have walked a while, Levi stops.

"Are you okay?" he asks. You have your eyes wet, almost crying again. Levi remembers his hand on yours and lets it go. "Well, I'm sorry you saw that."

"Better for me watching it. At least now i know he wasn't a good guy."

"He's a bastard and he doesn't deserve a girl that cares that much." he says. You look at him but he starts to walk again. You follow him. "Go straight to your room, talk with your friends and rest a bit." he says. "I'll go notice Erwin about the use of the training camp on free hours." You nod and Levi scans your face. "You're okay?" he asks again. You nod and show him a little smile. He turns back.

That smile was about to kill him. You returned to you room, the three voices yelling could be heard from outside.

"We should go and search her!" Sasha says.

"But she's with her boyfriend, let her have fun" This time is Connie

"But don't you think she has been outside for a while?" Jean agrees with Sasha. You open the door and the three of them sigh. "How was it?" Jean asks. Your eyes are still wet and your breath isn't rhythmic.

"He was cheating on me. For years." They all looked at you. Connie and Sasha shared a gaze before hugging you. "Did you said something to he?"

"Fortunately, Captains Levi was with me... I'll have to thank him tomorrow." Jean moved his enormous body to yours, and covered you with a hug after Sasha and Connie ended. Your friends, well, you four had a special friendship, and you couldn't be more thankful for having them by your side.

The next day, when you knocked on the official's room searching for Levi, Hange smiled at you.

"He went today on a little expedition with Erwin. He's going to return on a couple hours. Do you want to help me cleaning the titan's place while you wait?"

You didn't want, but Hange looked so happy you couldn't say no. After a couple hours, nobody told you two that the expedition came back. An hour later, there was no sign of return. Another hour later, you two were about to lose your nerves when a cadet entered running.

"Only fifteen from the twenty that went are back, and all of them are injuried, we need help!"

Hange and you ran from the titan's experiment zone to the improvised hospital. There, a lot of soldiers where laying on beds, with several injuries. Levi was leaning against the wall. You walked towards him and he looked at you.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Are you okay?" you asked at the same time. You had that natural impulse to worry about everybody, but now that Levi helped you, you felt a debt to him.

"I'm okay." he says, but he has a long cut in the abdomen, it even tore his shirt from the deep.

"Would you let me help, Captain? I have a little knowledge of injuries, and the one on your abdomen looks bad." He looked at it and clicked his tonge.

"If it is okay for you..." He walks to a empty room and sits on the bed. You look at him, examinating the cut. "Do you need me to undress?" he asks. You nod silently and he starts to unbotton his shirt. His head was a mess. He's not working with normality since he's about to have your hands on his nude body. "Just the shirt, no?" you look at the cut now that it is discovered. A little bit of it is hidden under his pants, but nothing to die for. You nod again while threading the needle. "Have you stitched a wound before?"

"Yes, I helped Connie and Jean a couple times." Levi looks at you, but when you turn around and your eyes meet, he looks through the window. You clean his wound with a little bit of water before start stitching it. You work on silence and Levi is really quiet, not like the other two boys. You let your eyes look his skin. It isn't smooth or soft, full of scars and poorly healed wounds. You kept working on the cut, Levi's face showing pain. His skin was hot against your fingers. Captain Levi has been always a role model for you.

His abilities on battle and the way he speaks to you make you think of him as a true captain. Connie is lowkey scared of him and Sasha says that he's superior to all the army together. Levi could be distant sometimes, but you never experienced that before. The way he always assists your kills and helps you when you're in danger says a lot about him. His grey eyes were fixed on your face, concentrated on making a good work on his skin.

"Does it hurt?" you ask, your voice lowered because of the concentration.

"No." he simply answers. You where about to end stitching. Once you're finished, you cut the restant thread and clean it a bit with water. "Thanks."

"Thanks to you, Levi." his heart shaked. You didn't use Captain before his name. You where treating him like a person, not like a superior. "For helping me yesterday."

"It was nothing." he says, simply. He pulls a shirt out of a nearby ark and dresses carefully. "So you wanted to enter my squad?" he asks, trying to lighten the mood. You look at him, surprised. It's the first time Levi tries to hold a conversation and he remembers what Jurian said yesterday night.

"Yes, that's why I worked so hard." you explain. Jean, Connie and Sasha are part of it, and with Levi as the Captain, they were recognized everywhere. "I really admire the way you fight and help the soldiers. I really wanted to be part of the Special Operation Squad." His face is serious, but he's regretting telling Hange inside. They were who told Erwin, and Erwin decided to put you on a squad where Levi has no business, to avoid him from get distracted or give his life for yours. Damn.

"Actually, I need someone with your strength on battle." he says. He's lying, with him and Mikasa in the same squad... "Move to our squad with your friends." he sounds indifferent, but he's so nervous his soul is about to leave his body. You looked directly at him, happy.

"For real?" That expresion, oh man. You have destroyed the Captain with it. You are so beautiful, looking at him with your eyes sparkling from happiness. "She's so close" he thinks, but then he retracts himself. "No, Levi, no." He just wanted to hug you and tell you he was going to reach you no matter what, and be there for you every time you needed him. He (surprisingly) wanted to kiss you softly to feel you melt against his body and look at your eyes sparkling for the rest of his life.

But he nods. He just nods. You smile at him and bow in signal of respect. "Thanks, Captain!"

"I'll talk to Hange, don't worry about it. Oh, and you can call me Levi. Formalisms are only for threathening." You let out a quite laugh. He kind of smiles, and you tell him how he should take care of the stitches ("I had my wounds stitched before, y/n") before leaving to tell your friends you four are going to train together starting next week.

Hange was sad because you left their team, but they were also happy because a boy who really likes titans entered on your place. In any way, you promised Hange to keep in touch with them.

The trainings with Levi's Squad were hard, but they where worth it. The first day, Levi told you to watch their training, and you were amazed by the way they train. Connie and Sasha making double surprise attacks; Jean and his superior ODMG control and leadership; Eren learning to use his titan form with Mikasa having his back, and Armin making strategic plans on a second. And Levi. The grace of his body, the speed and the strenght, the precision of his cuts. The first day you trained, Levi destined you to Jean's sub-captaincy, but, when he was observing you, he thought maybe you where the one with whom he could make the most effective double maneuvers. So you two started to train together, as a team of two. At first it was difficult for you, Levi is just a born soldier, and your abilities have been born of effort. But, you learned from him, and you quickly joined his movements. He was surprised by the way you understood his next movements without telling you. Months later, you two are on complete sync. He's comfortable with you, but the fact that now he talks with you every day, spend every single minute with you and also works with you is making him go insane. All this months of couple training and couple missions made you understood that Levi really cares for all of you, from Eren to Sasha, and he's having your back on every kill, on every assistance, on everything. All the times you ran out of gas or your blades weren't working well. When a titan tryied to kill you or the times you cried because of the death of your comrades. All those times, he was there for you, holding your hand, letting you cry on his neck or smiling to you after a good mission. The fact that, for the first time, you had someone who understands you and who really cares for you by your side, make your heart flutter.

"You're not going to ask her out?" Hange asked Levi. He clicked his tongue but stayed on silence. On the other hand, Jean was following you to your room.

"You like Levi." he said. You blushed and looked at your friend.

"N-No! Jean, the fuck?!" He laughed but raised an eyebrow in your direction.

"Oh, come on! I'm your best friend, you're obviously falling for the Captain. And I bet he's attracted to you." Your blush increased. But, maybe you liked Levi? You thought. It wasn't impossible. He always treated you so good, and his attractive face and his perfect body... Maybe you were falling slowly for the Captain... For the way you feel protected, important and adored when he fights with you, or the intimacy when you heal each other after a mission. The way he talks to you, and he listens all your ideas. You feel somehow important when he's areound you. Jean smiled slowly. "Go and tell him." You looked at your best friend with surprise. "You like him, for godness sake, you should tell him!" All this months, a little love flame has been increasing on your heart, little by little, but Jean's words made you realice you're about to burn.

You like Levi. You like your Captain.

"And if he rejects me?" Jean laughed before hugging you.

"Then he's a dork. But then keep things profesional. But I'm 100% sure he feels the same. Now go!" You follow Jean's advice and search Levi on the trees, were he was standing guard four months ago. You found him on the same tree, in the exact same position. He laughs when he sees you.

"You're going to return a belt?" he asks. You laugh while he goes down the tree. You shake your head.

"Actually I was searching you." Your hands were sweating and you couldn't make eye contact. He noticed that.

"It's everything okay?" He asked. You nod.

"It's just... What do you think of Captain-Subordinated relationships?"

"They have to be respectful to each other, I guess... Wait, did I made something wrong" You shake your head. Damn, this was hard. Killing a titan was a hundred times easier. "Then?" he was running out of patience.

"Maybe I started liking you, Captain Levi."

He had to blink twice. All the little Levi's working on his head were about to start a fire on his brain. "What?" he asked. His hands were about to tremble, but he hid it while asking you again. "What did you said?" You looked at him, but his face was unreadable, as usual.

"That I like you. Romantically talking. I just wanted to tell you, but now we can keep things profesional and this never happened, but I wanted to be honest with you and with myself." You stretch your hand towards him, and he keeps looking at you, but then he starts laughing. You don't understand anything. Like why the hell is he laughing? Does he think a love declaration is funny? But he looks at you.

"For years, I liked you for five fucking years. I still like you. Hange told me to forget you but I was unable. So I guess all my effort has been rewarded with a caring and pretty girl?" You laugh nervous, is he pranking you? But he's serious. His hand takes yours, but he pulls you towards him. "I cared for you and tried to call your attention, and then discovered you where with that boy. But you didn't deserve what he dis to you. I wanted to kick his soul out so bad. Why he, that had you, was looking for others and make you feel bad? Tch, he was lucky you were there." His hands searched yours. "I'm not a huge fan of physical contact, but every time you healed me I just could think of your hands in all my body. And sorry, but I really like you."

You both stayed in silence for a bit. So it was corresponding? And now? You're dating? You're going to keep things distant?

"So you think we should keep things like we have been doing?" He frowned.

"The hell, y/n? No. If we both like each other, isn't that how relationships start?" he was right. "Unless you don't want to."

"I was the one telling you first, of course I want."

"Cool. Should we discuss this drinking a cup of tea?" He asks. You nod before taking his hand, and looking for his reaction, you tangled your fingers with his. He smiled and took you hand to his lips.

"Let's go, Levi."

[foopeach]

I am once more,,,,thinking about hucow au,,,,,

None of my thoughts are coherent, obviously, I’m stupid- but they are there nonetheless so have these.

Jonathan is such a sweet boy tbh

He actually tries very hard to be a good producer for the ranch

VERY hard, actually, he needs to take a break sometimes because he gets overworked

We’re gonna ignore that that means he’s coom too much

He’s actually considered best producer on the whole ranch!

Not only because he’s so easy to get along with but also because he takes pride in his work!

He often takes on lots of jobs outside of being milked. He’s big and beefy for that purpose.

Personally I think Jonathan (like most of the joestars) is a very sturdy field ox, which makes him desirable for hard labor tasks

You can often find him hauling around large deliveries or carrying construction material for the ranch

Sometimes he also heads over to the crop area and plows fields

Jonathan is a very hard working boy, but he’s also oddly sensitive

He’s always asking for reassurances in his jobs and loves it when you tell him he’s a good boy

Head pats are his weakness

I’m telling you, jsut walk up to him while he’s in the middle of some grueling task

He’s all sweaty, exhausted and ready to take his break for the day

just gently grasp his face and give him pats and a good brushing??? Maybe a smooch?

INSTANT revitalization, he’s revving up and leaning into your hand and giving you small licks ready to keep working

He’s such a simp for you it’s almost funny

Whenever he’s off duty or he’s not on schedule for being milked he’ll usually leave his stall to go find you

He uses his nose to find your scent, because he’s throughly covered you in his own by this point

“Hello my love, can I join you?” In literally any task your doing, even if you’re not lovers or doing anything

All he wants is to stay by your side always

He’ll headbutt you gently to get your attention and then he’ll gently nibble the edges of your clothing

He’ll also pick random flowers he sees in the field and then hand them to you if he doesn’t eat them first

He tried braiding them into your hair once.

It didn’t work, unfortunately

At the end of the day he just wants bring you into his stall and crush you to his chest because he lovs u sm it hurts

Joseph though, that’s a whole different story

He’s a cheeky, CHEEKY motherfucker in both work and relaxation

He’s aware that he’s got the same strength and work stamina as Jonathan and that makes him an ideal work ox but that doesn’t mean he likes it

He’s gonna avoid doing anything outside of fucking milkers and other cows as much as he possibly can

He’s sneaky about it too!

When he figures out he’s scheduled for work next week he’ll locate the timesheets for the ranch and literally change them so he’s not on schedule

He’ll also fence hop and graze around in neighboring fields when he gets bored of the ranch activities

Speaking of, he’s a very social bull

He’s traveled far enough when skipping out on duties to befriend entire neighboring ranches

He’s also caused a large breeding scandal because he couldn’t keep his hands off the cows over there

Stupid idiot is so horny all the time and he will let you know

He’s so stupidly insistent on getting laid, too

He knows he’s sexy and he knows how to use it to get your attention when he wants it

Again, he’s aware he’s got the same structure as Jonathan, except instead of using it for helpful things he just oils himself up and flaunts himself for you

He’s also really aggressive towards other people on the ranch who he thinks he might have competition with (aside from Jotaro, who he has TRIED to get into a spat with and it ended up with them needing to be pried apart forcefully and Joseph chipping a tooth)

It doesn’t matter if it’s a human coworker or it’s another animal, he always treats them with varying degrees of hostility

ESPECIALLY if it’s something in relation to you

He’s really insistent on taking up all of your time, really

He’ll flick you with his tail when you’re not giving him the attention he wants

He’ll also just straight up chew all of your clothing

Sometimes (and by sometimes I mean all the time) when he gets the urge to breed or get milked and there’s no one around he’ll intentionally seek you out to take care of his needs

He’ll latch on to you and give you long licks while he humps you

He’s just a dumb, horny, social bull

Which is funnily enough, the complete opposite of Jotaro

The only thing he has in common with the other two work bulls of his size on the farm is 1) Jonathan’s work drive and 2) Joseph’s aggression (although it’s unbiased in gender)

Jotaro makes a very strong effort to let everyone know he does not appreciate extended social interaction unless it’s someone he likes

Especially with the people who irritate him on the farm (coughjosephcough)

He’s the most likely to get into fights

He has horns and he will use them

He’s also one to fence hop when he feels like it, but only when he’s not scheduled for work

He just likes the peace that open, unmarked fields give him

He can graze peacefully for hours on end that way

When he does do work though he’s very thorough.

He rivals jonathan in terms of workload and is just as good about finishing it

To quote joot himself “if I say I’m gonna do something it gets done”

He actually quite likes the work out it gives him, he’s proud of his physique

He’s usually one of the bulls they send for shows because his pelt is the most well groomed and shiniest out of the big bulls

You wouldn’t think it but he’s actually quite interested in keeping up his appearance and hygiene

He loves the feeling of being well groomed and handsome

He is not good however, at getting milked

Piggying off of Bisky’s hucownons- Jotaro is willing to do it but he makes it as difficult as he possibly can for every party involved

He completely rejected the idea of having multiple people responsible for his milking very early on, and even then he didn’t like the single one they assigned him

So he just opted to do it himself

His resistance to the idea isn’t great for him either

He gets a really heavy swell to his balls sometimes and he doesn’t want to deal with it so he just lets himself suffer as much as possible before wanking off into the bucket provided

He doesn’t have a high sex drive but the few times he does have the urge to breed it is very intense

Which is why it’s a good thing he has an attachment to you

You’re the only person on the farm he’s even willing to consider getting milked from, let alone mount

He doesn’t show it at all but he has a very deep level of affection for you

He kind of wants to hold you in his arms all the time

He likes the idea of having you pressed against him in a non sexual circumstance

Proximity and small gestures is his love language

[mellindi]

Hi India!! Thanks so much for giving me all that notion inspiration. It looks like I know what I'll be doing for the next... long time, lol. Idk if this is a question you'll be able to answer, but for some reason the notion theme extension isn't changing the theme. Did you ever have that issue? Or know how to fix it? Also, what do some of your other pages look like? (the backstory or outline pages or the full episodes ones. Do your write your scripts in there?) Thanks sm for answering!! <3

Heeey! And you're welcome! I love finding out about cool stuff and sharing them with y'all ♥ So with the extension, it only works in the web version so make sure you're using that. Once you change the theme, you have to refresh the page (the tab that you have Notion open in) for it to change. If you're choosing a dark mode theme and your Notion is set to light mode, you'll need to set it to dark mode too so that it shows up (hopefully that makes sense). I write everything in those sections that are linked on the homepage (some of it coherent, others... not so much, lol) but they're really boring right now because I haven't put much thought into their appearance (yet, it's next on my list!)

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Hey, this might be random and out of the blue but I was wondering what are your thoughts on "unreliable narrator" regarding an oblivious-about-his-feelings protagonist? You see, I've seen recently a lot of discourse about if wwx really loves lwj because of him being one of these type of protagonist... and now I was looking at your posts about tyk and what I got from some of them is that zzs also counts as one (what I always got about him is that he's pretty cold, to be more precise). And it just seems like it's a thing for one of the characters to be like that and tbh it was never a trope I enjoyed... I've always felt as if it's lazy to do this where writers won't develop a characters' feelings and then use the infamous "it's always been you~" and that's it, the reader have to be like "oooh, it's always been him/her". And there are cases it even made me mad the way an author seems to underestimate the reader by how shamelessly they do it 😂

But then there's 2ha where I really enjoyed it? It's just that I feel meatbun did a great job here since I always felt Mo Ran was actually in love with CWN, and for moments I even could feel something fishing about his feelings for SM. But tbh, even without the flower, I could buy it as him being just bitter at cwn not "paying attention to him" and since SM was the only one being nice with him, he convincing himself he had feelings for him instead... So in this case worked for me always. Anyways, I didn't read mdzs but watched cql and I actually like how flirty is wwx and I think it's a very balanced couple. Idk if it's that different in cql and since there are explicitly a romance, it feels more one-sided or not. The same goes for tyk... I hope that wasn't a lot of rambling!

Hey! Apologies for the delay in getting to this - I was intending to answer it once I'd written my TYK reaction posts, and then those took longer than I thought, and then I just forgot 😬. But thanks for sending this, I always like getting asks like this!

To answer your question - I don't dislike the trope! I think it can be clumsily done, like many things, but when done well it can be a really deft method of characterization. It can be intriguing to see a character where there's a big gulf between their internal monologue and their actual behaviour and responses to others.

So, I'm speaking here as someone who loves novel!Wenzhou - while I like some aspects of show!Wenzhou, overall I think their relationship is a little less consistently and coherently written. Like you, however, I love the way Ranwan is written, and I also actually prefer show!Wangxian to novel!Wangxian.

I would say broadly that all three of these novels' main pairings do fit some kind of "protagonist is unaware of his own feelings" premise. And in the case of TYK and MDZS, their live action adaptations don't keep that premise. I'd guess that's at least partly, if not mostly, due to censorship - if something can't be explicitly developed as a romance, then centering the relationship and showing a connection more early on because more of a storytelling necessity. But I'm not entirely sure that these three examples are necessarily comparable, because the manifestation of that premise in the three books has pretty different in-story circumstances*.

In MDZS, the biggest barrier in Wei Wuxian not recognizing his feelings for Lan Wangji is sexuality - he's just under the impression that he's straight. There are definitely some indications that he has a crush on Lan Wangji. In his first life, he teasingly throws a flower to Lan Wangji at the Phoenix Mountain night hunt, and in the Lotus Seed Pod Extra he won't shut up about Lan Wangji and how much he wants to bring him to Yunmeng. And after his resurrection, he has a moment in fondness towards Lan Wangji where he thinks "how can someone as boring as him always make me so happy?", and after Lan Wangji takes him back to Cloud Recesses after the confrontation at Jinlintai, he has several "oh shit he's hot" moments. Realizing he's not straight is part of the development of his relationship with Lan Wangji, but there are hints that he always had a bit of an unconscious crush.

I think the problem for me there is less that his feelings aren't developed in the text, but rather the way they're developed. The examples of Wei Wuxian's feelings are definitely scattered throughout the text, but they don't fully cohere to me - they stick out too much as obvious hints, without Wei Wuxian's characterization or his relationship with Lan Wangji really fully coming through for me. It's partly just some idiosyncrasy of my response to the text, and also the major discrepancy between his level of investment in the relationship and Lan Wangji's. Because Lan Wangji has been pretty intensely in love with Wei Wuxian for a long time, and was willing to commit the pretty big transgression of turning against his sect for him. And when Wei Wuxian comes back to life, he takes a lot of delight in excessively teasing and flirting with Lan Wangji - ostensibly because he thinks Lan Wangji dislikes him, and that Lan Wangji is stuffy and boring, but actually because he just plain has a crush on Lan Wangji and likes flustering him - without having any knowledge of the latter's feelings for him.

That's a big part of the conflict between them in the novel. And it's an interesting distinction from the show, because more page time is given to the post-resurrection arc in the novel, so that's where most of the conflict and relationship development goes. Whereas in the show, most of that happens in the long flashback, and the present day features them already being fond of and understanding each other, and Lan Wangji just doubling down on spoiling Wei Wuxian now that he's back. I don't think as a premise how the novel does things is bad on principle, but there's something about the contrast between the gravity and seriousness of Lan Wangji's feeling and Wei Wuxian's flighty behaviour towards him that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. He realizes he's not straight, and he confesses his feelings for Lan Wangji, but... Lan Wangji has had years to built Wei Wuxian up in his head, and Wei Wuxian has only just now realized the nature of his feelings! I can't help but wonder whether Wei Wuxian is actually prepared for the reality of a long-term relationship, or is actualized enough in what it means to be queer in a not-very-queer-friendly setting, to be shacking up with Lan Wangji immediately. So I guess I can buy the way his feelings are developed as a means of realizing he's not straight, but the text never fully convinces me that they're as strong or committed as Lan Wangji's are. (And on Lan Wangji's side of things, it's never convinced me of any reason why Lan Wangji would like Wei Wuxian in the first place, but... that's another topic.)

(A character who thinks he's straight and realizes he's actually not is something MXTX also does in SVSSS, with Shen Yuan/Shen Qingqiu. Only in that case I'm not sure he ever fully admits to himself he's not straight 😂.)

I would say the reason why Wenzhou and Ranwan work for me, when Wangxian doesn't, is because in those cases, both parties do seem equally invested in the relationship, even if they express that investment, or come to that investment, differently. But I would say the way both those books handle the unreliable narration is pretty different, and that's because Priest is a much subtler writer than Meatbun. Not subtler as in better, necessarily, but much less forthcoming, and more inclined to hint and allude to things in the text than spell them out, including characters' feelings.

So the way this works in ERHA is that we get lots and lots of expounding on the nature of Mo Ran's feelings for Chu Wanning. There are so many scenes early in the novel where he thinks about how much he hates Chu Wanning, but also how much he lusts after him, and where he thinks "ugh my feelings for him are so COMPLICATED... I can't figure it out" (like..... sir). Meatbun is a heart-and-id-on-her-sleeve type of author, and her characters' feelings are never really a secret. Even though Mo Ran takes awhile to realize that he just has a big old crush on Chu Wanning and always has, there confused and intense emotions that Chu Wanning stirs in him are always present front-and-center on the page.

And the reasons for his unawareness about his feelings are of course the flower, but also, as you said, the fact that he's just desperate for kindness. I think, especially given his trauma, he's a person inclined to think in black and white, and the text even spells this out at one point, saying he'll always hate someone who injured him, but always remember someone who was kind to him. (I mean, this is the person who, pre-flower, gleefully killed everyone in the abusive brothel he grew up in and burned the place down - and the person who remained determined to reward the person who saved his life as a child even after being infected by a magic flower that turned him evil.) So you hit the nail on the head when you say it makes sense with his character to turn his adulation to Shi Mei, who seems to be the one treating him well.

Honestly it's kind of a fascinating bit of misdirection by Meatbun - it looks like it's another novel with an oblivious-to-his-own-feelings protagonist, because it would make sense for him to be so for entirely non-magical reasons. But then, it's revealed that before the flower, Mo Ran was, if not aware of the romantic nature of his feelings for Chu Wanning, then at least very actively and earnestly devoted to him. And from a readerly perspective, I think the fact that we're already aware of his sexual attraction to Chu Wanning, and of how obsessive he was towards Chu Wanning in the 0.5 timeline, makes his realization that he's in love with him feel properly established. And I feel like their love for each other stems from a concurrent place - that is, they both recognize the kindness they desperately want in each other, they both believe in each others' goodness or capability when others won't, and they've both had about an equal amount of time to fixate on each other. Is their relationship "healthy" by realist standards? No. But I hope they never get better and live in codependent bliss forever.

With TYK, it's a different situation, because Zhou Zishu is not at all the kind of character who consciously thinks about his feelings. He is honestly loath to even admit he has them. His approach is kind of like that John Mulaney quote that goes "I'll just put all my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die." So the development of his feelings is done much more subtly, and doesn't get actively remarked on in the text very much. What does get remarked on is his trust in Wen Kexing, and his belief in the sincerity of Wen Kexing's intentions towards him.

Because that's the big conflict in the novel - he holds himself back from giving in to Wen Kexing's seductions because he isn't sure if Wen Kexing is serious or not (and the fact that he's got a terminal illness). Wen Kexing, for his part, starts flirting with Zhou Zishu mainly for espionage reasons, but along the way actually develops a big crush, and they spend a good portion of the book... essentially playing gay chicken, lol. They do a ton of plausible deniability flirting, but neither of them is entirely certain that the other actually means it. Some big moments between them center on one of them being startled by the realization that the other might actually be genuinely into them - there's a moment where Zhou Zishu observes Wen Kexing being very invested in saving his life, and wonders, "could it be this person was actually sincere?", and another scene where he takes care to ascertain that Wen Kexing is actually being serious about his offer to sleep with him, before actually taking him up on that offer. (And then they get cockblocked.) And on Wen Kexing's part, there's a scene where Zhou Zishu alludes to wanting to rescue him from having to go back to Ghost Valley, and says "If I weren't dying, I would keep you as a pretty face in my house" and Wen Kexing is a bit taken aback and says "you want to keep me?" (That might actually be my favourite exchange between them in the book, and there's a lot that could qualify.)

So I wouldn't say Zhou Zishu is actually unaware of his feelings, in the way that Wei Wuxian is. It's more that He Is Looking Away, He Does Not See It. He's not a person who's inclined towards sentimentality or self-reflection, and so he's just not very transparent in his narration of what he's thinking or feeling in a given moment. And furthermore, he's someone who's very used to propriety (just saying the word "fuck" is an act of thrilling rebellion to him), so he's very accustomed to guarding his feelings. (Wen Kexing's shamelessness rattles him in this regard, which is another reason why he tries to clamp down on his burgeoning crush on him XD.) But his actions towards Wen Kexing to develop over the course of the novel, even if his internal thoughts don't keep a running tally of all the times he flirts with him and grows more affectionate towards him. Sexuality also isn't really the issue for him, the way it is for Wei Wuxian. He remarks in his narration on Wen Kexing's shamelessness re: being gay, but it's the shamelessness that is foreign to Zhou Zishu - it's never implied that he's surprised or put off by a man being interested in him, and he's even willing to sleep with the Scorpion should he lose a bet. He's much more opaque than Wen Kexing, but there's still every reason to believe that he was already aware of his own attraction to men, or that he's possibly been with men before.

It's also interesting, because MXTX's big kink when it comes to her pairings is "love interest being intensely devoted to the protagonist for a long period of time, without the protagonist's knowledge," and that dynamic plays out in both Wei Wuxian and Shen Qingqiu's discovery of their feelings. But with Priest - well, I can't make claims as to her whole canon, but in terms of both Qi Ye and Tianya Ke, the common denominator between the two pairings is "world weary protagonist finds the will to live again through a very persistent love interest**". So, with that premise in mind, it makes sense for Zhou Zishu to be more reserved, and for Wen Kexing to seem more active and aggressive. But in actuality, Zhou Zishu does establish a pattern of reciprocity and is equally active in their relationship development. (And ultimately, neither of these people has any experience with a committed relationship or with emotional intimacy, so they're starting off on pretty equal ground.)

So, all of this is to say that I don't dislike the trope on principle. It all depends for me on how well it's done, what the specific circumstances of it are, and how much of a sense of reciprocity I get in the relationship. Provided that the way it's done makes sense with the characterization, and that the characters' interest in each other lands, I can really enjoy it. I have definitely encountered media where it feels underdeveloped, but I wouldn't say that's the case with any of these examples, even if only two out of three of them work for me.

*Honestly, this is why I'm not into playing trope bingo when it comes to my preferences anymore. It's all about the execution! Something can be the perfect trope for me in the abstract and still be executed in a way that frustrates me or leaves me cold.

**Though the characterization of the love interest, and the texture of the dynamic, are very different in the two cases - yet another danger of defining things solely by broad archetypes.

[marginalias]

relistened to the album a few times and i actually love skinz - it’s probably my favorite track, but that’s because i’ve been on an industrial/noise kick for the past year - and thematically ip2 does feel like ip1′s evil twin (skinz>libido, suit dance>instinct, gaslighting>byredo, ult bliss>tog, it even has the same progression lol)

some thoughts (music, performance, mv, lore), maybe too many thoughts

ip2 is a really good album but absolutely feels like it’s gone through a massive transformation from whatever the initial concept was - i feel like i can hear a few points where the lines have been redistributed, it might just be confirmation bias and presumably a lot of this stuff has been rearranged/restructured/rewritten to better fit a group without... their... lead... vocalist...... brb have to go smash my head through a cinderblock

ANYWAY

thoughts on the music: oh they’ve done it again my god. skinz/gaslighting genuinely addictive, put ult bliss in the MOMA, suit dance just genuinely nice and fun. all their performances are incredible and their repertoire of vocal techniques has expanded unbelievably in the past year. extremely extremely impressed with kyubin in particular, especially because they autotuned the shit out of that man in asoiaf and now they’ve figured out how to use more of his natural vocal color/his technique has improved so much! love hearing mill get more lines, killing the rap verses even though they should have perhaps rewritten the gaslighting verse to not contain the word “teetering” just my opinion. they’re really playing with texture and dynamics as well - whispering, growling, belting, falsetto, WHOEVER WAS SINGING AT 2:09 IN SKINZ I WILL --dialup noises-- like i almost ascended.

i still think ip1 is the stronger album in terms of unity of concept - suit dance my beloved i am still not entirely sure where you fit in this album of toxic possessive sm anthems but you’re doing great mwah

thoughts on the stage performances: genuinely if not for the skinship bits, it’s just a solid sexy bg performance. it’s kind of down there with sage in terms of coherency - there are a lot of disparate parts interspersed with cool points. i think the “death drive” concept behind ip2 (restoring earlier states of being with the end goal being nonexistence) explains the repetition of a lot of previous choreo (i counted designer, dora maar, asoiaf, savanna, libido, maaaybe angel? and love’s characteristic power gesture that he likes to do while belting ok cry break). i think if the original lore was intact all of this would make so much more sense as a death drive concept (starts with libido, ends with savanna) and tie into the time travel narrative from dpj/lsg.

based on that, if you held a gun to my head and made me guess, i would say the skinz choreo has been in the works at least since the end of libido promos and they didn’t have the budget to create something out of whole cloth after aug 2, so we’re seeing them change up the formations slightly to disguise the fact that there’s an even number of members. the first stage had some holes in formations that probably only showed up because of comeback nerves. kpop performances lend themselves better to odd numbers of performers --gritting my teeth-- but astro and oneus make 6 work, and i think shinhwa was a 6 member group, so it’s not impossible, just not the most convenient number to work with. but i think this was pretty clearly originally designed for 7.

also oh my god i had forgotten how much i LOOOOOVE popping and locking bless them for giving mill that little spotlight.

thoughts on the skinz mv/lore: booooo it was funded by thoughts and prayers. would not be surprised if they blew their actual funds on an mv shoot with all 7 members in july and then had to reshoot this in nov/dec after delaying their fall comeback long enough to revise the whole album and oh i will stop there before going full doomer about 8d’s financial ruination.

the mv itself is pretty but feels like a really weak refrain to libido, where you have these intimate shots and innuendos representing the ego/conscious in color (junji-rie lollipop scene is highly underrated as one of the most shockingly sexual parts of the libido mv btw and i haven’t seen anyone talk about this) and then sink the viewer into the black and white realm of the id and subconscious desire. it does a really good job of highlighting the point choreography too.

if libido is about the entanglement of repressed sexual desire and divinity and creation, then we would expect the title track of ip2 to be destrudo or mortido and for the album to talk about monstrous/consuming sexuality and gross mortality and destruction. and the MUSIC!!!! DOES THAT!!

but the mv is sort of a flat sketch of the music - skinz is about the death drive (destrudo/mortido) as repetition and restaging of scenes from earlier in life, the eruption of the past into the present, the desire for destruction at the hand of a romantic/sexual partner - and the mv is about, um, a fan’s desire to be accepted and possessed by their idols in the most G-rated way possible, i guess? there’s not really a way to y/n your way into a choreography without a backup dancer which they absolutely cannot afford right now, so i’m seriously wondering what the id (b/w) portions are supposed to be representing. a fan’s sexual appetite for their idols underlying benign fantasies? if we were going to go this route i think we should have also gotten voyeuristic handicam aspect ratio from inside the choreography, as if someone was inserting themselves into both the id and ego of the video and “possessing”/restaging the full experience of the libido mv.

also it’s cool that they literally “restaged” the mv on the black platform! not entirely sure what the glitch/artifacting effects are meant to indicate - maybe artificiality and simulation - but they do remind me of this brian eno quote:

Whatever you now find weird, ugly, uncomfortable and nasty about a new medium will surely become its signature. CD distortion, the jitteriness of digital video, the crap sound of 8-bit - all of these will be cherished and emulated as soon as they can be avoided. It’s the sound of failure: so much modern art is the sound of things going out of control, of a medium pushing to its limits and breaking apart. The distorted guitar sound is the sound of something too loud for the medium supposed to carry it. The blues singer with the cracked voice is the sound of an emotional cry too powerful for the throat that releases it. The excitement of grainy film, of bleached-out black and white, is the excitement of witnessing events too momentous for the medium assigned to record them. (from A Year With Swollen Appendices)

speaking of aspect ratio why were the color/ego shots pillarboxed so inconsistently? are we actually communicating different things when the color shots are letterboxed vs pillarboxed? because the taped footage from the practice studio in the beginning has the same aspect ratio as the shots that are supposed to be a fan’s y/n fantasy, but seems to communicate that someone is observing? am i looking too hard into an mv that clearly has a budget of whatever mom had in her wallet at the moment? the answer is probably yes but i just want to believe in competence so bad.

i wonder if the original mv concept was more grimy? i know a lot of people were theorizing that someone would die, and i was ready for a kind of dc deja vu/oneus tbontb thing where people are killing each other offscreen, but from the skinz mv teaser i was expecting “smack my bitch up” by the prodigy, and it has echoes of that - initial scene with the car as the hit and run, the ktv room as the bar, the beach as the strip club - without the misogyny (thankfully), recreational drugs (would probably get them banned in korea), or violence (boo). again, might be confirmation bias, especially since the first person shooting style was probably chosen for budgetary reasons, but i would have loved to see that sort of destructive/self-destructive all-night bender rampage, especially because the “smack my bitch up” mv was incredibly controversial and highly censored and i know jaden jeong is probably into that kind of thing.

anyway i will update this if the suit dance mv has anything to say but i have no idea at this point so i will conclude my thoughts after saying that i hope they haven’t actually ditched the lore. doesn’t seem like it at least music-wise but holy smokes this mv was dire. maybe i’m missing something! who knows! someone else figure out the aspect ratio thing please and perhaps this will all make sense.

[nctsjiho]

Relationships with: WayV

Click here for: NCT 127, NCT U, NCT Dream, WayV

Kun:

MOVE!

I-

These two~~~

Unexpectedly the duo you never knew you wanted needed

For the longest time they weren’t in any groups together and didn’t have many practises in common (besides NCT 2018 stuff)

They usually would just say hi in passing, but never really hang out if it wasn’t for multiple members going out to eat

But one day JiHo approached Kun asking him for a favour

He found out the reason why they didn’t talk a lot was because JiHo felt really shy around him for some reason

“I don’t know, I just felt too nervous around him” (JiHo during a random Vlive)

Near the end of 2020 a video got released on the NCT YouTube channel of JiHo singing with Kun accompanying her on the piano

You could somewhat say it was JiHo’s debut as a vocalist

Kun said that he didn’t see it as a favour, but that it was an honour JiHo chose him to do this with her   (///.-) I’m not crying heh-  

Ever since then they have been very comfortable around each other

JiHo praises him a lot on his vocals, piano and producing skills

Kun praises her on her vocals as well and has become another of her vocal coaches/supporter

JiHo said that if it weren’t for Kun, she would have never posted a vocal cover. “All the guys are supportive but Kun pushes me to better my skills so I can comfortably show them to NCTzens” ^^ I’m blushing this is cute

People ship them platonically after the cover and want them to put out more, but with both of them singing together

Ten:

Loves teasing JiHo

Dance partners

“JiHo is such a good dancer guys!” (Instagram Live with Yangyang)

Speaks up immediately when someone says something bad about JiHo

Jeno physically protects her, but Ten isn’t afraid to tear someone down with words (the members have to calm him down whenever it happens because he gets really worked up)

Jokes around a lot with JiHo during practise

Another one who brings out the chaos in JiHo

JiHo X WayV is just a bad idea in general, no manager can calm them down once they get started I feel sorry for the WayV managers

The two often butt heads, but they also make up quickly because they’re too close of friends <3

Learns her Thai and she’s pretty good!

Makes fun of her a lot though, but he also tells her how great she’s doing

Is happy that he’s no longer the person who knows the most languages in the group. During variety shows they test JiHo more often and he doesn’t have to rack his brain switching from language to language

Share mutual respect for each other

Winwin:

Has a soft spot for Winwin (like everyone else does) but isn’t overly affectionate and he appreciates that

Was awkward with JiHo for a while, but then she started learning Chinese. He noticed how much effort she put in to become accepted in NCT as the only girl. Now he doesn’t feel awkward anymore

He looks up to her because she’s so hardworking

Share a lot of cute fan favourite moments, usually where they are in the background of videos or vlives laughing together

They spent a lot of time practising dances together and said he’d like to dance together with her for an NCT Dance video

Lucas:

Robbed from being Dreamies together

Was sad he couldn’t join NCT Dream, but was about to sue SM for not letting JiHo be in Dream

Spoils JiHo a lot!

Gives her expensive gifts such as shoes, handbags, jewellery, etc. (she tells him not to but he still does anyway)

Only 1 year older but acts like JiHo is a baby

Lucas said that he wants to model with her for Vogue or Dazed or some fancy fashion magazine like that

Says that JiHo is the only one who matches his visuals

“I thought our members were good looking, but JiHo has set the bar too high and I think I’m the only one who’s up to her standards.”

JiHo will not for the life of her acknowledge the fact that he said that on national television (also disagrees because Renjun, Jaemin, Doyoung and Jungwoo exist)

JiHo calls Lucas Prince a lot, because she thinks he’s very handsome

JiHo sometimes ignores some of the boys’ calls, but answers Lucas every time, no hesitation

Is the one who called her Jihyun for a few months when he first got to know her, even though everyone kept on correcting him, he kept forgetting  -_-

Now the members call her Jihyun teasingly

Xiaojun:

JiHo thinks he’s really cool

They always talk in front of the practise room, when one comes out of practise and the other was waiting to go in

Group members have to physically separate them, because they zone everyone else out when talking to each other

Love going out to eat together, or just go to a cafe and talk

JiHo will actually join WayV to visit Xiaojun while he’s filming a drama

(JiHo isn’t allowed to do that anymore, definitely after not telling one of her manager that she was flying to China to see Xiaojun, poor manager almost had a heart attack when he couldn’t find her and she didn’t pick up her phone for 3 hours ;;; )

Instagram pictures together <3

Domestic af, they look like they have been friends since birth

Hendery:

Cutely awkward together

Super giggly for some reason ^^

She’s the least close with Hendery out of all WayV members, but since she likes WayV so much she’s been hanging out a lot more with him and became closer

He’s really good at English so he helps her with her Chinese and whenever she gets tired of speaking Chinese he will switch to English or Korean (whatever works really)

Also one of the people who thinks she’s really cool and kind of intimidating

But off-stage she’s really sweet

Send each other a thumbs up after practise or when the other gets off stage

Ten and Kun said they want them to get closer because they are kind of similar

Yangyang:

Chaos-

Multilingual messes

JiHo completely understands German but before meeting Yangyang she never really tried speaking it before. She’s nervous to mess it up but Yangyang is really excited and helps her a lot with German. Since he also forgot a bit of German they take classes together

75% of her attention is taken up by Yangyang when JiHo hangs out with WayV

Exposes so much about JiHo on Vlive and Instagram (He got a warning by the managers to be careful because he might spill something that’s not supposed to be made public)

Legendary Instagram Live where the two of them were up until 3 am and were so sleep-drunk. JiHo couldn’t form a coherent sentence, mixing up every language she knew. Yangyang dissing his members and both of them laughing hysterically

The fans absolutely adore them and the members are absolutely terrified

Ten said that whenever JiHo’s with him and Yangyang, he can’t be with them for long or he’ll actually go insane

---

Side Note: my posts weren’t showing up in tags for the last 3 days so I contacted Tumblr and apparently it was a bug on their end. Luckily they fixed in in literally 10 minutes! In other words: I’m back to posting again!

If you have any questions/comments please feel free to let me know. I have a few posts ready to go already, so i’m excited!

[panlight]

submission

I wish we had more of the human Edward in Midnight Sun, instead there were little flashbacks, which I liked a lot, from the beginning of his vampire life with Carlisle and these I also caught myself wishing they would be more recurring and longer during the narrative. I understand that according to Meyer’s world building, vampires tend to remember very little of human memories, but Edward is built to mourn these losses, his sins, the eternal question “what if…? He is Hades (I’m rolling my eyes with this comparison, but it’s in the book), the god renegade by his brother (in this case his adoptive father, Carlisle) living and reigning over the dead forever, with no choice. Wouldn’t it be a rule that he was one of the most attached to his old life? That he struggled to keep the memory of his mother Elizabeth, to whom he was closest, alive in his mind? That he always took care of his properties? And this I’m just imagining: the house, the law office of his late and distant father, the cars and the furniture. The only mentions we have about her possessions during the saga are about the jewels and these are only used for Bella to live the cliché of having an old engagement ring, a family relic and nothing else. She didn’t even bother to honor her mother-in-law by putting her name on Renesmee, despite wearing her ring. In fact, it is described that Edward came from a wealthy family, it would also be normal for him to keep portraits of his relatives. He must have some picture of his human self with the family somewhere, no? Old newspapers kept that reported about the war, his ambition at the time. And diaries! It was common in those days to keep diaries, his parents certainly did. Stephenie Meyer, are you really denying me the pleasure of having this vampire boy, tortured by his monstrosity and said like mommy’s boy, reading and regretting the blurry pages of ink that his devoted mother used to write her thoughts, emotions and memories of her family life in the Edwardian era? What could she have recorded? The advances on the piano that her little prodigy made over time, her favorite toys, the games they played together, her first words, her recitals, development of reading and hobbies, her religion? By God, mainly, his religion! Where does this fervent idea of Edward’s that he is condemned to hell come from? Was religious interest born alone or was it stimulated by others when human? Was it Elizabeth who instructed him in religious terms? Did she know anything about vampires or did she think they were just scary stories? Anyway, I just wanted more of him as a character.

We only know Edward from two perspectives: the monster he believes to be and the perfection idealized by Bella, two extremes. The narrative leads us to believe that there is no more powerful love than these two teenagers feel for each other, but it also shows us, intentionally, that Isabella Swan doesn’t care to show the slightest interest in human Edward. Until the scene of the conversation with Carlisle in New Moon, a few months after the beginning of her courtship, she didn’t even know what the color of Cullen’s human eyes had been like and didn’t mention any time, if I’m remembering well, when would be his birthday. Her focus of interest is totally on her post-human life. Where are the insignificant questions, but makes us empathize with the character? I mean, Edward will always be stuck at his 17 years. His life as a human has shaped him to be what he is today. Did he have or wish to have any pets? Did he have any allergies? Did he like his tutors? Did he attend a private school, no? What was it like? The human mind is not an encyclopedia like that of vampires, so what subjects did he like and dislike? What moments of his life marked him the most? Did he always compose or did he become more confident with the passing of his vampire life? Where are the imperfections that make us human? Did he have scars, bruises? Was he an athletic boy and well disposed to sporting activities or in poor health? Was he easily ill? He was the fastest vampire. Did he like to run? What did he want to achieve with the war? Just the glory? The pride of his parents? Personal satisfaction for fighting for a cause he believed in? His mother was not so inclined to accept his life as a soldier, but what about his father? Did he encourage it? What about your friends? Did Edward have friends as a human? He is said to be the kindest and brightest of all the Cullens, but what did he do to deserve such a great distinction? Did he show more interest in the afflictions and thoughts of those around him when human? Did it qualify him as a sensitive boy? What kindnesses was he used to do? He always wanted Bella to make the most of human life, but why he didn’t care to show what he was like when vampirism destroyed everything? We could have Bella visiting Chicago, his old house. What a drama that would be! Instead we had long pages of a weird Edward who enters her room without her permission or knowledge. Stephenie can write whatever she wants, but I refuse to believe that the son of Elizabeth Masen, a woman I believe is a lady of high society who values etiquette and old habits above all, would have raised a son who did not respect the privacy of a woman, especially a beloved, because her Edward is a gentleman, after all. I don’t know, but it seems that Meyer, through Bella, is more interested in building him the basis of the epitome of perfection that vampirism has made him than he should really be as a human, with only a few more accentuated characteristics. I just want to know more about Edward before being Edward Cullen. Seven hundred and a few pages and Edward Masen rarely came to the surface of them. What do you think about that? Do you find it interesting that human memories tend to fail and disappear over time for vampires? Because forgetting what makes you what you are must be scary, it reminds a lot of Alzheimer. Or do you think it’s just an excuse to not develop their human part anymore? Because one of the most recurrent criticisms of books is that Meyer sinned in character building, Bella practically didn’t exist before arriving at Forks in Twilight (2005), many pieces of her life and tastes were missing, which she tries to patch up in Midnight Sun. I’m sorry if the text got confused to understand.

I too think it’s sad that Bella didn’t ask more questions about Edward’s human life, or really any of their humans lives. I think SM is also a bit inconsistent with how much it “fades” or not. It’s sort of implied that if you try to hold on to it, you can keep it to some degree. Rosalie, for example, has held on to her human memories so tightly. (It seems to me if vampires never forget anything, if they think about their human memories in their early days, before it fades, then they will have those memories forever, right? They might be imperfect or fuzzy but they’re there).

And I’m really curious about his religious upbringing, too. His obsession with being damned and doomed doesn’t sound like 1918 Chicago theology but something older. I suppose it could be influenced by hearing Carlisle’s thoughts, since he IS from the older, fire-and-brimstone, most-people-are-damned era, but Carlisle himself is more hopeful, hoping (foolishly perhaps) they might get some measure of credit for trying. Sometimes I think Edward would have been more coherent as a character if he came from an older time period. 1918 is not THAT long ago but SM writes him, at times, as if he were hundreds of years old. 

[rouiyan]

𝘚𝘏𝘖𝘞 𝘔𝘌 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘓𝘖𝘝𝘌 [ 𝘭.𝘫𝘯 ]

⧏ part of the before i met you collective ⧐

synopsis: after an accidental leak, the news of you and jeno’s relationship becomes the talk of the world. to satiate the incredible curiosity of fans and news outlets alike, the two of you take on a variety show, knowing brother. will this bold move prove to everyone that your relationship is more than just a publicity stunt?

✧ lee jeno x (fem.) reader ✧ idolverse au, knowing brother au, established relationship au

✧ genre : fluff ✧ word count : 1.9k ✧ disclaimers : minor swearing, i talk about eyes a lot lol

✧ author’s note — was supposed to be a short drabble but i got carried away and ended up going into so much unnecessary detail. super fun to write; this idea expertly fought my incoming writer’s block.

you let out a suppressed laugh as jeno profusely denies the apologies that come his way from the girl that just recently joined the makeup team. she had used a much thicker brush than needed on his lips and in turn, they’ve grown almost twice the size, the natural mauve color spilling over the edges. he gives you a pointed look but it’s taken with less seriousness than he’d like, his lips clearly making the expression funnier than intended.

“stop, y/n,” he mumbles, though his face is more of a pout as you crane your neck to watch him, the same girl now fussing with makeup remover blocking your view of him. as she leaves to grab a thinner brush, jeno turns to look at his reflection in the mirror and you make your way across the room to stand next to where he is seated. the both of you stare at each other’s reflections in the mirror, smiles filled with soft adoration. “you nervous?” he speaks, eyebrows shifting up ever so slightly. you swear the way the lights of the vanity reflect off his pupils make it look like he holds the stars in his eyes (and you're sure he does). nodding, you express to him the pressures you’ve been facing, “i hope we do well.”

he hums and removes his stare from the mirror to the actual you, looping his arms around your waist loosely. “we will, babe. we’re unstoppable when we’re together, you know?” he feels more than hears the soft chuckle that you let out and he raises his head to look you in the eyes. “i guess you’re right.” 

it’s been a little over a year since jeno asked you out, right outside the convenience store a few blocks down from the nct dream dorm. a chilly two a.m. snack run where jeno had spontaneously been gifted with the confidence to tilt your head up with his index finger and swoop in for a kiss after his heartfelt words were received with tired enthusiasm. he thinks about that night a lot more than he’d ever admit. 

he also thinks about a similar night, only three weeks ago from now, outside the same convenience store, this time at three a.m., when his hands intertwined themselves with yours on instinct and when you looked up at him with that pretty little smile of yours. he can still hear the shuffling of feet behind him, the click and flash of a camera following. he can still feel the way his heart stopped as he drew his and your hats lower, turning over his shoulder to be face to face with a camera peeking through the shadows. he can still remember the way his hand unwinded from yours, instead wrapping around your whole frame, bringing you closer to his chest and further away from view. he could still hear your heartbeat against his, erratic, and he still remembers praying to dear god that they didn’t catch your face. he stills feels the guilt gnawing at his gut when he found out that it was too late. what was supposed to be a simple first anniversary was turned into a day of phone calls, pr meetings, frustrated managers, and even worse, angry sasaengs camping outside both of your dorms.

he knows it’s not exactly his fault, though he did admit that to the higher ups much to your dislikes, but he can’t help but feel responsible for all his desperate fans going after your reputation, your job, group, family and friends, and most importantly, you. in all honesty, he also received plenty of backlash from your fans as well but it aggravated him much more than it should’ve that people would dare talk shit about his girlfriend. 

making headlines, your relationship with jeno was widely labeled as sm’s bid for attention and monetary gain, however untrue that was. most fans were in denial because of countless other situations where a rumored couple would be later revealed as a publicity stunt, especially since you and jeno were of a big company and from popular groups. of the many game plans that were presented to the two of you, he found this one the most effective. to go on a variety show together and show the compatibility and chemistry between the two of you, to verify your relationship as real and deserving of humanly respect.

jeno is brought back to reality as a colored brush is applied to his lips once again. he looks up to gauge what had happened whilst he was spaced out and sees that you are talking animatedly to the manager that had accompanied you here today, a bright look on your face as your fingers fiddle with a water bottle lid. after getting his makeup done, properly this time, he stands and stalks over beside you, half listening to the conversation about mic settings. with a pout, you hand the water bottle to jeno and he immediately unscrews it, neither of you looking at each other, the act seemingly a casual exchange. 

jeno corners you before going on set, hands on your shoulders, to tell you that, “we’re going to do great, princess.” the nickname rolls off his tongue with ease and leaves a pink dust across your cheeks, blooming under the blush that’s applied on top. he gives your shoulders a reassuring squeeze and slips in a few more encouraging compliments (“so pretty,” tucks strand of hair behind your ear, “i got quite lucky didn’t i?”) before the two of you are called on set to start filming.

the cameras start rolling and as the hosts go about their usual introduction banter, you slip a finger into the indent in the door and on cue, slide it open, revealing your smiling face, jeno’s secure hand on your back, reminding you that he is there with every step into unfamiliar territory. the hosts turn and gape at the pair, having not met backstage to save the guests as a surprise. hodong, is the first to talk coherently among all the commotion, “wah, the power couple of the century is here today!” chuckling at his comment, you and jeno take your places behind the podium at the front, wary of their stares on you. for a second, you feel as if you are in an actual classroom, introducing yourself on the first day of your transfer with an uneasy feeling settling in your stomach. 

“hi, it’s nice to meet you, i’m y/l/n y/n, from sm high! please take care of me!” your nose scrunches at how cringy the school name sounded in comparison to when you and jeno were making it up back in the dressing room. jeno follows with his introduction after you politely bow, “hi, i’m lee jeno, also from sm high! please take good care of us!” a chorus of applause echoes around the three-walled setup and you feel jeno’s hand move from the small of your back to rest upon your shoulders; unconsciously you lean into his frame, his warmth inviting you in ways you don’t even process.

“so the rumors are true, huh?” you look over at soogeun, one of the hosts that you had chosen to sit next to. he’s kind from what you can tell, and almost exactly like the person you see on tv. the other hosts are busy chatting with jeno and you look over at them before settling on the man speaking to you. “yeah,” your voice is soft, “they’re true.” a smile adorns your face as you say this and the little moment that’s caught on camera is enough to melt the audience, (or so the editors think as they go through the tape after filming). 

the hosts inform you that instead of the ‘ask about me’ segment they’re going to, instead, ask the two of you questions, more or less about your relationship. you figure that this has a lot to do with the whole reason you're here and you feel comfortable knowing that you get a chance to explain, to clear the air of assumed rumors. 

the first to ask is janghoon, a simple question to start the segment off, “how did you guys first meet?” jeno and you take turns answering the questions, jeno taking the lead on this one. “it was… january of 2015, i think. like, one year before i debuted and y/n was new to the company. i remember that she was chosen to be in a debut group almost instantly after she joined and some of the other boys in my group were talking about how talented she was.” he takes a second to look over at you, seeing the way your eyes light up when they meet his, “i first talked to her at a showcase, i think. she was already pretty close with mark and haechan, from my group, because they trained together for a bit. even then, i remember her being probably one of the prettiest girls i had ever met. and it wasn’t just the looks though, she- y/n’s always been a kind girl and i guess that i always thought she was too good for me… i still do, for the most part.” 

your eyes are slightly wide when he finishes and he gives you a questioning look. “wow, i don’t remember talking to you until that one halloween party…” the room falls to silence before everyone laughs at jeno’s bewildered expression, clearly baffled at how you didn’t even remember when the two of you first met.

the show moves on good-naturedly before heechul pops the big question, “do you guys love each other?” he says it rather sarcastically, in case you are uncomfortable in answering, but you take it upon yourself to make this situation into a bit of a turning point in all the fun. “of course, jeno’s a big part of my life. whenever i’m not onstage or working, he’s always the one i’m with. this job, it really isn’t the easiest. besides getting to do what we love we also have to be watched constantly, but it’s okay for me at least, having someone like him by my side makes it all okay.” you can almost imagine the cameras showing jeno’s face at this moment, the little hearts edited into the frame of the captured scene, his expression a mix of shy smiles and lovesick eyes. it’s easy to say when you mean it and you know that it’s also easy for jeno when he simply wraps you up in his arms, with content coating his embrace and without care as to the cameras shooting in all directions.

it’s safe to say that the episode went viral, only a few hours after its airing. most fans gushed over your relationship with jeno, sharing screenshots of you in his arms. jeno loves how some fans are even shaming those who look down upon your relationship and he's even happier that he’s allowed to take you out on dates, to add you as a plus one to special events, and to finally be able to call you his, loud and proud.

(bonus: jaemin is beyond excited to watch the episode right when it comes out, popcorn and lights dimmed in preparation. he even dragged a poor renjun to watch it with him, claiming he needed a shoulder to cry on if you guys were being too sweet. he didn’t actually cry, but renjun practically vomited as he watched jeno hoist you up upon his shoulders to reach the basketball hoop during the game segment. he hurled towards the trash can.)

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