#i love the blonde australian dork

[rosedpetal]

For You

Summary: You decide to gift Chase before Christmas.

Pairing: Robert Chase x Reader

Word count: 403

Masterlist

He waited for the coffee machine to fill his cup, a tired sigh leaving his lips. It was freezing today, and he cursed himself for not wearing gloves again before leaving his apartment.

"Morning, sunshine." You chipped, a small smile tugging at your lips.

Robert didn't want to give you a snarky answer so early in the morning, but he was cold, tired, and the damn coffee machine wasn't warming up fast enough. So he just groaned in response, careful not to hurt your feelings.

"Robert? Look at me." You said very quietly and he controlled the urge to roll his eyes, turning to face you, and when he did, he froze. You held a package wrapped in red, a golden bow on it. "This is for you."

Your sheepish smile disarmed him, and he took the gift from your hands, opening it with care. Inside the package, was a pair of wool gloves. "I knitted them myself!"

God, you were adorable. With your cheeks flushed from the cold, your pretty hair in a braid, and your eyes twinkling with anticipation at his reaction. He couldn't help but wrap his arms around you, making you squeal in delight.

It wasn't Christmas, nor his birthday.

He was grateful. But puzzled, at the same time.

"Why?"

Robert has known you for a couple years now since House opened a new spot on his team and immediately took a liking to you with your weird sense of humor, gentle demeanor and humbleness.

"I've seen you try to warm your hands up for the past few days, and I had to do something about it." You explained, a light blush creeping on your cheeks.

Robert considered you carefully, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "You have a crush on me."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement.

You huffed in annoyance.

"You totally have a crush on me!" Robert smirked. "Wow, is it the accent? The hair? The eyes?"

"Gimme my gloves back." You crossed your arms over your chest, a little pout forming in your lips.

"NO." He said, quickly putting your handmade gift on. His heart fluttered at how warm and fuzzy they felt, and he had to fight the urge to pinch your cheeks. "My gloves. Mine."

Your blush deepened, and you immediately took your seat at the table when you spotted House limping his way to the room.

[headcanonsandmore]

(Accidentally) In Love, Chapter One

Summary: Tegan Jovanka has been best friends with Nyssa Traken for years. All their colleagues assume that they are an old married couple, but neither Tegan nor Nyssa have ever really understood why. Things, however, may begin to change in the run-up to the wedding of their young friend Yasmin Khan...

~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Read on FFN.                      Read on AO3.

~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Good morning, Tegan!’

Tegan Jovanka grinned, as Nyssa Traken walked through the door, smiling prettily. She was wearing her white sundress, with contrasted nicely with her pale skin and curly hair. A small white cardigan (originally gifted to her by Tegan a few years before) was draped across her shoulders, as the weather in the mornings still had something of a nip to it.

The two of them had been friends for years, having worked in the department for… was it coming up to the ten year mark? Gosh, that time had sure flown by. They had met on the first day Nyssa had started working at the University. They made something of an unusual pair; the brash Australian and the sweet-tempered southern Englishwoman, both working in the admin department for the University of East Anglia.

‘Cuppa?’

‘Oh, yes, please. May I have-’

‘Milk and no sugar?’

‘You know me too well.’

The two of them chuckled, and Tegan headed into the kitchen. As the kettle boiled, she could hear the sounds of Nyssa turning the radio onto Classic FM. Nyssa had something of a fondness for classical music; the sight of her face lighting up whenever one of her favourite pieces came on was like sunshine. Tegan smiled, knowing that Nyssa was probably already nodding her head along to whatever was now playing.

Her best friend really was awesome.

Taking care not to spill tea on her blue button down shirt and white capri trousers, Tegan carried the two mugs back into the office. Nyssa smiled at her in gratitude as she approached.

‘Good weekend?’

‘About the same,’ Nyssa said, taking her mug from Tegan. The mug had been bought while Tegan had been on holiday back to Australia, and was emblazoned with “you’re just my cup of tea”. ‘My landlord is still unsure of what to do with the cottage, though. They said they’d let me know sometime today as to their final decision.’

‘Hmmm,’ Tegan said, pursing her lips as she cupped her own mug (“lady of the manor”) between her hands.

‘You never have liked my landlord, have you?’

‘Whatever gave that impression?’

‘Oh, one or two things…’ Nyssa said, chuckling. ‘But how was your weekend? How did that date go?’

‘Urgh,’ Tegan groaned, making a face. ‘No spark whatsoever. Seriously, is it too much to ask to find one woman of a certain age in this entire city who isn’t boring as sin?’

‘Oh, Tegan…’ Nyssa sighed, sympathetically. ‘I’m sure there’s someone out there for you; you’re amazing.’

‘You might want to tell other women that,’ Tegan chuckled, setting her mug down on the coaster. ‘Nah, it’s fine; you know me, I’ve always had difficulty finding someone.’

‘I know, but I want you to be happy,’ Nyssa said, looking genuinely grieved. ‘You deserve the best.’

Tegan reached across and squeezed Nyssa’s hand.

‘Nyssa, if it means so much to you, if I’m still single at 70, we can get married.’

‘Oh, I’d be a terrible wife,’ Nyssa said, giggling. ‘And don’t make fun!’

‘You’d be the best,’ Tegan replied, with a grin. ‘C’mon, am I that predictable-’

‘Ah, Tegan! Nyssa!’

Tegan rolled her eyes and reluctantly let go of Nyssa’s hand, turning in her swivel chair as a blonde man stuck his head into the office. He was one of the professors for the sports department, but was also a) a massive dork and b) a right pain in the arse. This beige-clad twit exclusively wore Edwardian cricket gear and a cheerfully bewildered expression.

He was also notorious for being late with his paperwork. Assignments, class updates, working timesheets, you name it; the man could not keep a handle on any of them. Which made both Tegan and Nyssa’s working lives a nightmare, especially around the end of each semester. The git.

‘What is it this time, Doc?’

The man sighed, frowning as he put his hands on his hips.

‘You really are so pessimistic, Tegan.’

‘Can you blame me?’

At this, Nyssa snickered, catching eyes with Tegan.

The man sighed.

‘I can’t help it if my paperwork gets a little shoddy at times. That moron who shares an office with me keeps leaving cat badges everywhere.’

‘I’ll tell him you said that.’

‘Good; although it probably wouldn’t do much. Can you imagine being around someone who is so unbearably smug about everything?’

Tegan stared at him.

‘Vividly, yes.’

The blonde man glared at her.

‘Oh, very funny,’ he said. ‘Nyssa, your partner is a piece of work.’

‘Oh, ha ha…’

Tegan rolled her eyes. People had a weird habit of calling Nyssa that; for the life of her, Tegan couldn’t work out why. Yes, Nyssa was great, but it wasn’t like that between them. Clearly, people were just being silly. Goodness forbid two women be such good friends that they could finish each-others’ sentences.

‘Peri seems to spend half her life trying to stop those two fighting,’ Nyssa said, chuckling to herself.

‘I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,’ Tegan replied. ‘Poor love must pull her hair out at times-’

‘Heya!’

Two women had poked their heads through the door. One was blonde and seemed to have too many teeth when she smiled. The other was calmer, with a warm Sheffield accent and a cheerful grin.

‘Hello, Yaz,’ Tegan said. ‘Hello, Doc.’

The two fiancés stepped into the room. The Doctor was wearing her normal raincoat with the rainbow-striped top and slightly-too-short trousers. Yaz was, of course, wearing her standard leather jacket and jeans.

‘This one’s got some paperwork to hand in,’ said Yaz, bumping her partner on the arm affectionately with her elbow. ‘And on time, just for once.’

‘Oy!’ the Doctor said, pouting a little as she handed over the papers. ‘I’m not that bad; that one with the bow-tie never hands anything in.’

‘Pretty sure he’s in Central America on some expedition right now,’ Tegan said, chuckling. ‘ Your wedding plans going okay?’

‘Just about,’ Yaz said. ‘Your invite should be going through the post now.’

‘Wonderful!’ Nyssa said. ‘I do love a wedding, and you two are so sweet together.’

‘Oh, stop…’ the Doctor said, but with a tone that clearly didn’t mind. ‘Still can’t quite believe it, m’self.’

Yaz flushed a little, grinning as she pressed a kiss to her fiancé’s cheek.

‘Okay, lovebirds; this is a workplace, not a registry office. Off you go,’ Tegan cheeked, grinning. ‘And I’ll look out for the invite.’

Yaz and the Doctor waved, before leaving, hand in hand.

Nice couple, Tegan thought. Yaz had briefly worked alongside Tegan and Nyssa, before moving to work with the estates team. She’d met the Doctor at some random faculty party, and the two of them had been inseparable since. Tegan smiled; it was nice to see a couple so in-tune with each other.

The Australian swivelled around again, and was just opening to mention this to Nyssa, when she saw that the curly-haired woman’s brow was set, her eyes scanning an email.

‘Nys… everything okay?’

Nyssa stared down at her computer screen for another moment, before turning her seat to face Tegan.

‘Not exactly. My landlord just send through the final notification through; my tenancy is definitely not getting renewed.’

‘Oh, no!’ Tegan replied. ‘But you love that place!’

‘Yes, the cottage is lovely,’ Nyssa sighed. ‘But the landlord really can’t keep it going with just myself as a tenant. They’re going to get it marketed up for a higher price. Which I definitely cannot afford.’

‘Such a shame, Nys,’ Tegan said, placing a hand on her friends arm. ‘Do you know where you’re going to move to?’

Nyssa shook her head.

‘You know how difficult the rental market is at the moment. And it’s not as if the university is paying me a huge salary.’

‘Hang on,’ Tegan said, her brain suddenly firing on all cylinders. ‘My old roommate is moving out next month; why don’t you move in with me?’

Nyssa stared at her for a second.

‘I- oh, Tegan; that’s so thoughtful of you,’ she said, mouth widening into a huge smile. ‘That wouldn’t be imposing on you, would it?’

‘Not at all!’ Tegan replied, grinning. ‘I’d love it! And it would be great to finally room with someone I know well.’

Nyssa reached out and squeezed Tegan’s hand, smiling.

‘I do so appreciate it; you’re wonderful, Tegan.’

Tegan felt her cheeks flush. Oh, Nyssa was so sweet.

‘Oh, stop it-’

‘No,’ Nyssa said, giggling. ‘You are truly wonderful and I won’t hear anything against it-’

There was a cough from the door.

Oh, what now?…

‘Sorry to butt in,’ came a Mancunian accent, quickly followed by a man with short hair and a leather pea coat. ‘You seen that Southern prat with the pinstriped suit? Tosser shoved his paperwork onto me; said he had a date and booked it out of the office.’

‘Oh, not again,’ Nyssa said, sighing. ‘We have told him to try and coordinate his time better.’

The Northerner sighed, handing the paperwork over.

‘Sorry; I know how hard you two work.’

‘It’s fine,’ Tegan said. Unlike most of the other Doctors at the university, this one was basically a hero when it came to helping out with the admin. She found it hard to dislike him. He was just so… earnest about everything. ‘Thanks, Doctor; fantastic as always.’

‘Ta,’ he said, forehead crinkling into wrinkles as he smiled. ‘I’m off to help Martha Jones with her dissertation; see you both later.’

                                                               *

 The moving-in day arrived. It was a Saturday, at the start of a bank holiday weekend, meaning that they had three whole days to get everything moved in.

The process of actually moving everything in took all day. Nyssa had a fair amount packed, so the two women spent a good few hours driving back and forth from Traken Cottage to Tegan’s place. Mercifully, Tegan lived on the ground floor, so they didn’t need to worry about carting Nyssa’s wardrobe up several flights of stairs. It also helped that Tegan had called in a few favours from some people amongst the University staff, meaning that Dan, Ryan and Ace were helping them out.

‘Nyssa, where do you want this?’

Ace and Ryan were trying to jimmy the wardrobe through the doorway. Both of them were rather red in the face from the effort.

‘Just to the side of the bed, please,’ Nyssa said.

‘Your wish is my command, my lady,’ Ace said, winking.

Tegan rolled her eyes and swotted Ace on the arm.

‘Sorry, Tegan,’ Ace chuckled, the light of the overhead lamp glinting off her leather jacket. ‘Trust me; I’ve no intentions whatsoever on your wife.’

‘Best friend,’ Tegan and Nyssa corrected, in unison.

Ryan chuckled, grunting as he helped Ace manoeuvre the wardrobe into place.

‘This solid oak?’ he asked. ‘Did they not have Ikea back when you bought this?’

‘It was from an antique fair,’ Nyssa said. ‘Tegan insisted on splitting the cost with me.’

‘Well, your rent had just gone up,’ Tegan said, already dusting the wardrobe. ‘And it was too lovely to just leave there.’

Nyssa chuckled, nudging Tegan with her shoulder playfully, the two women grinning at each other as they applied wood polish to the oak.

Ace and Ryan both rolled their eyes.

Eventually, after a lot of heavy lifting, lots of swearing (mainly from Tegan and Ace, with a couple of minor curses from Ryan and Dan) and a few splinters off the wooden furniture, all of Nyssa’s things were unpacked, sorted and placed into her new room.

After thanking the other three for their help as they left, the two women then collapsed onto the living room sofa, with two very soothing cups of tea on the table sat on coasters in front of them.

‘Well, that was that,’ Tegan sighed, stretching out her toes on the carpet. ‘A day well spent, I think.’

‘Indeed,’ Nyssa said, reaching forward to cup her mug in her hand. ‘Thank you so much for helping me with the moving.’

‘Hey, what are best friends for?’ Tegan replied, shrugging. ‘Besides, I know how expensive those moving companies are, and I only charge in biscuits and tea.’

Nyssa chuckled, fondly, sending her mug back down on the coaster before leaning back into the sofa.

‘Ow,’ Nyssa said, adjusting where she was sat. She reached under the cushion. ‘Somethings poking into me…’

Her hand pulled out of the cushion, something grasped in her fingers. And Tegan felt her throat seize up as she realised precisely what had been stuffed underneath there.

Nyssa stared at the long silicon cylinder.

‘Tegan…’ she said, slowly. ‘What… what is this?’

Tegan’s face had, by this point, raced past red and was rapidly approaching a delicate shade of maroon that it had not achieved since she was a teenager.

‘Er… w-well…’

Nyssa’s face registered the embarrassment plastered over her friends face, and her brain seemed to put two and two together.

‘Oh.’

There was a very prolonged pause. Tegan’s palms seemed to be sweating.

However, the two of them then looked up, took one glance at each other, and both descended into fits of laughter

‘Oh, Tegan…’ Nyssa gasped, eyes watering. ‘Your face was a picture!’

‘So was yours, Nys! “Tegan, what’s this?”, as if you didn’t know what it is!’

‘Well, you don’t expect to be sitting on your friends vibr-’

‘Shhhh!’ Tegan spluttered, and the two of them descended further into laughter. ‘You can’t say stuff like that, not with that posh voice of yours!’

‘Cheek!’

Nyssa gently shoved Tegan, and the two of them landed in a heap on the sofa, both laughing their heads off.

‘Why… why do you have it, then?’

‘Oh, my cousin Donna got it for me as a joke last year for Hanukkah,’ Tegan said, her cheeks sore with laughter as the two of them sat back up. ‘I’ve never actually… y’know-’

‘I get the picture,’ Nyssa said, quickly.

‘Yeah, you do!’ Tegan cheeked, winking.

The two of them laughed again.

                                                     *

‘Korma alright?’

Nyssa nodded.

‘Delicious,’ she said, covering her hand with her mouth as she gave a small burp. ‘It’s been a long time since I had a takeaway.’

‘Really?’ Tegan replied, her mouth full of naan bread. ‘Gosh, looks like you moved in just in time; you need to have treats more often, Nys.’

‘I do!’ Nyssa said, in mock outrage. ‘I’ll have you know that I bought double-chocolate digestives last week!’

The two women chuckled, enjoying the others company. They had been close for so long that it seemed strange that they were only now living together. But it was… nice. If this evening was anything to go by, this new living arrangement was going to be a lot of fun.

After the washing up had been done, Tegan grabbed a bottle of wine and pulled Nyssa over to the sofa.

‘To celebrate a successful moving-in,’ she said, liberally filling their glasses.

‘Indeed,’ Nyssa said. ‘And thank you again!’

Their glasses clinked together.

There wasn’t a huge amount on telly that evening, so Tegan pulled out her old DVD of ‘The Wizard Of Oz’ and set it playing. It had been one of the first films that she had loved as a kid, and she had never quite found herself able to stop watching it. Whenever she was a little lonely or upset, she’d watch it and everything would feel… well, not alright, but that things could get better if she kept trying.

Sometime during the movie, the two women found themselves resting back against the sofa, Tegan’s arm around Nyssa’s shoulders.

‘Tegan…’ Nyssa said, her voice slightly slurred. ‘Are you going to bring women back here? Will I have to keep to my room?’

‘What?’ Tegan replied, surprised. ‘No; I’m a bit beyond that stage of my life. Besides, if I ever did bring home someone, I’d want them to meet you.’

‘Whatever… whatever for?’

‘So I could say to them “this is my best friend; we live together and I love her very much. If that’s a problem, there’s the door”.’

‘Oh…’ Nyssa’s face broke into a wide smile as she turned her head. ‘You love me, Tegan?...’

‘Course I bloody do,’ Tegan said, smiling. ‘Haven’t I made that clear already?’

‘Yeah, but… but you never said you loved me…’ Nyssa said, giggling. ‘Oh, but I’m not a lesbian, though…’

‘What are you then?’

‘A little tipsy,’ Nyssa giggled. ‘Yes, a rather tipsy bisexual.’

Tegan chuckled. Nyssa leaned into her side, and the Australian wrapped her arm closer around her friend. Damn, Nyssa smelled good. Was she using a new conditioner? Pomegranate, perhaps. It suited her very well.

‘Thanks for moving in, Nys,’ she said, softly. ‘You’re the best.’

‘No…you are…’ Nyssa replied, a little sleepily. ‘‘nd pretty too…’

Wow, that wine had really gone to her head, hadn’t it? Tegan let out a chuckle, eyes closing.

‘Love you too, Tegan… love you too…’

Tegan got the vague sense that a pair of lips had just pressed a kiss to her forehead. But she was probably just imagining it… after all, only Nyssa was here, and she didn’t see Tegan that way…

                                                            *

Beep, beep, beep…

Tegan startled. Sitting up numbly in bed, she turned her alarm clock off. She must have forgotten to turn the blasted thing off. Typical; now she was awake early on a Sunday.

Tegan yawned and stretched. Deciding she might as well get some food, she climbed out of bed, pulled her dressing gown around her and headed towards the kitchen. The sunlight was already filtering through the closed blinds, and outside she could hear the sound of birdcalls. Tegan set the kettle going, and started putting bread in the toaster.

‘Morning…’

Tegan turned. Nyssa had walked in, wearing an adorable velvet robe in deep purple. Her hair was slightly rumpled and her voice still had a slight husk from sleepiness.

As ever, Nyssa somehow managed to make even early-morning-starts look gorgeous. And yet Tegan found herself unable to be jealous, only contentedly thoughtful.

‘Morning, Nys,’ she said, shooting a grin at her friend. ‘Cuppa?’

‘Yes, please,’ Nyssa said, smiling as she got a bowl out of the cupboard. ‘I’ll just make myself some porridge. May I have-’

‘A spot of milk and no sugar?’ Tegan finished. The two of them shared a smile. ‘Of course you may.’

This felt… right, having Nyssa here. Like they should have been living together long before this.  A few minutes later, the two of them sat down at the small kitchen table, both focusing for a while on their respective breakfasts.

‘Everything alright, Tegan?’

‘Hmmm?’

Nyssa grinned, halfway through her bowl of Ready Brek.

‘You’re staring at me.’

Tegan blinked. Yes, she had been staring at Nyssa over her mug of tea, plate of toast ignored.

‘Sorry; you just look really pretty.’

Nyssa’s cheeks flushed.

‘Oh, stop it…’

‘I’m serious!’ Tegan exclaimed, smiling. ‘You’re gorgeous, Nys; seriously, how no-one hasn’t snatched you up yet is beyond me.’

Nyssa smiled, her face flushed prettily pink. Well, Nyssa was pretty anyway; the blush just accentuated it further.

‘I could say the same for you, Tegan.’

Tegan felt her own cheeks flush.

‘Flirt,’ she giggled, taking a bite of her half-cold toast. ‘Just because I’m living with a glamorous lady like yourself, that doesn’t mean I’m that predictable.’

Nyssa let out another giggle. It sounded like birdsong to Tegan’s ears as she quickly polished off her toast.

‘Well, I’m going to have a shower,’ Tegan said, standing up. She crossed the room and gave her mug a quick rinse under the tap before putting it in the bowl to wash up later, along with her plate. ‘Are you going to have a lie in? That wine went to your head last night, after all…’

Nyssa chuckled. The two of them had dozed off for an hour on the sofa after watching the film, and Tegan had helped Nyssa to her room; the poor woman really had no tolerance for alcohol.

‘No, I’m fine. I’ll read some of my book and hop in the shower after you’ve finished.’

‘Just a word of warning; I do sing in the shower.’

‘I’ll make a note of that if I ever decide to join you in there.’

‘Don’t tempt me with a good time; that bathroom doesn’t have a lock on it,’ Tegan said, giving a quick wink as she walked past Nyssa and out of the kitchen. She could hear the tinkle of Nyssa chuckling to herself as she walked down the corridor.

Tegan headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind her, and began to brush her teeth. She was just about to spit the toothpaste out when a sudden memory rose from her unconsciousness.

A… kiss?

Tegan startled for a second, mouth full of minty paste. Was… was she remembering that right? Nyssa had kissed her on the forehead. Yes, that would be right, since there was no-one else in the room. It had felt… nice. Nyssa had lovely lips, after all. Not that Tegan looked at her best friends’ lips, of course. This was just a platonic observation. It was just now that Tegan knew that Nyssa’s lips felt nice, too. When she was kissing someone. On the forehead. Platonically.

What the hell am I thinking?

Feeling her cheeks flush, Tegan spat out the toothpaste, and wiped her mouth with the hand-towel, feeling rather out-of-sorts. Well, she mused, not exactly. Tegan hardly disliked the idea. But that was normal for two friends, especially best friends. Best friends did that, right? Perfectly normal platonic affection. Obviously.

Then… then why had her heartrate increased when she had first remembered it?

Tegan discarded her pyjamas and climbed into the shower. As she set to work shampooing her hair, she couldn’t shake the strange feeling that was bubbling in her stomach.

Don’t be silly, she told herself, sharply, I don’t fancy Nyssa. I’m not some adolescent with a crush! This is my best friend we’re talking about; Nys probably didn’t mean anything by it! We had both had a few glasses, after all.

Yeah. Yeah, that was it. They were two best friends who were now living together, and enjoying each others’ company more now that they were sharing a flat. Yes, Nyssa was wonderful, and funny, and smart, and sweet, and utterly gorgeous, but Tegan didn’t see her that way. Definitely not. Nyssa was her best friend, after all. Best friends didn’t look at each other like that.

Best friends didn’t think about each other in that way.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone; hope you enjoyed the first chapter!

[surveyhoursss]

97.

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)

Italics=partially me or used to be in the past.

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. (I quite literally am anorexic tho)

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay. (oop)

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...

I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore

I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.

I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO (again, oop)

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction

I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly... or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff

I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks

I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil

I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.

I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon

I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.

I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.

I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.

I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.

I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.

My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.

I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.

I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.

I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.

I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE... So I MUST be a whore myself.

I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse

I'm a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist

I'm a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.

I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.

I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.

I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.

I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.

I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.

I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.

I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep

I'm a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.

I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.

I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.

I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.

I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!

I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.

I'm WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.

I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE

I'm not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.

I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.

I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.

I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins

I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan

I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against abortion.

I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.

I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.

I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.

I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.

I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.

I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.

I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.

I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.

I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish.

I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. (i mean, 3rd generation immigrant)

I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.

I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.

I'm STRONG so I MUST be stupid.

I'm AUSTRALIAN so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.

I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times

I'm GAY so I'm after EVERY straight guy around.

I don't want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be lesbian.

I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.

I love MARCHING BAND, so I MUST be a friendless freak.

I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.

I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. (oop)

I CRY easily, so I MUST be a wimp.

I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist.

I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake.

I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST play the bagpipes and eat haggis.

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

Back again, with my opinions that no one asked for.  This time, it’s my takes on the animated versions of Pyro.

1. X-Men: The Animated Series Pyro

This, this is my boy right here.  Look at this dork with his terrible 70′s fluffy hair, hanging out at the bar with his not-so-hetero life-partner Avalanche.  This was my first introduction to the character (in fact, the cartoon was my first introduction to X-Men in general, and sent me down the path of reading comics). 

This version of Pyro is an established career criminal and professional lackey, usually working for Mystique but not above a bit of robbery or kidnapping on the side if he’s bored.  He and Avalanche are presented as buddies who have probably been working together for awhile.  They first show up in the episode “The Cure,” hanging out on Muir Island waiting for Mystique to give  them orders, then completely screwing up Mystique’s plans when they decide to kidnap the scientist Dr. Adler for extra cash . Apparently Mystique can’t leave them to their own devices for even a day.  

Pyro also hilariously tries to flirt with Rogue by setting a chair on fire and making a bad pun.  It goes about as well as you’d expect:

Get your hands off of her, Pyro, she is too good for you.  (The best part about this is, I don’t think he even used his powers here?  He just tried to impress Rogue as “guy with a flamethrower,” rather than “fire-controlling mutant.”  No wonder she throws his dumb ass through the wall.)

Pyro and Avalanche both show up again later, alongside Blob, creating a distraction so that Mystique can try to assassinate Senator Kelly in the animated series version of the Days of Future Past storyline.  In a much later episode, the same trio cause trouble again to lure the X-Men out so that Mystique can try to win Rogue back to their side.  That episode feels out of continuity to the rest of the series, since a flashback shows Rogue previously working with the Brotherhood (alongside Pyro and Avalanche), but none of them recognize each other when they “first meet” in “The Cure.”  I can assume that maybe Rogue lost her memories in the trauma of absorbing Ms. Marvel, but I don’t know what Pyro and Avalanche’s excuse is.  Frequent head injuries?  Maybe they’re both just really dumb? 

I am fond of TAS Pyro, and he’s probably the closest to comics Pyro out of the animated adaptations, despite being portrayed as British rather than Australian.  He looks fairly similar to his comics counterpart, and fulfills the same role of being a hired pain-in-the-ass that annoys the X-Men, mostly for money, as well as being Avalanche’s BFF.  He’s also clearly a full-grown, experienced adult who’s probably somewhere in his thirties at least, which is about the age I estimate for comics Pyro.  He’s kinda dumb, but practical.  He just wants to commit crimes with Avalanche, get paid, and run away before the X-Men can beat him up.  That’s a reasonable dream, right? 

X-Men Evolution Pyro:

Well, at least the guy loves his work.  I give him an “A” for enthusiasm.

I have mixed feelings about this Pyro.  He’s a lot of fun, but not really the Pyro I know and love from the comics.  This Pyro is one of Magneto’s Acolytes rather than a member of the Brotherhood, working alongside Gambit, Colossus and Sabretooth.  He really, REALLY enjoys setting things on fire, and doesn’t seem to care who gets hurt in the process.  Or rather, he seems to also enjoy people getting hurt, and tends to laugh maniacally while torching things, to the point of seeming really unbalanced.  I can’t tell if he’s completely detached from reality and is viewing things like a video game, without a real understanding of consequences, or if he knows exactly what he’s doing, and just likes to hurt people.  Either way, Evo Pyro seems much less stable than comic book Pyro, who can also be pretty wild and over-the-top in his fights and probably enjoys fire a little too much, but still acts an an overall rational person. 

Meanwhile, Evo Pyro repeatedly watches a video of Magneto seeming to die and laughs hysterically at it:

He is delighted when Wolverine shows up looking for a fight (because he was “bored out of his skull,”), and seems disappointed when Wolverine leaves abruptly afterwards.  It’s interesting that, after Magneto’s apparent death (not really) in Evolution, the other Acolytes all go off on their own, but Pyro hangs out alone in their base, as if he doesn’t really have a life to go back to, or any real identity outside of being “Pyro.”  When the series ends, he is shown in the future as having joined the Brotherhood (with Toad, Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, Blob and Avalanche), apparently working for SHIELD in some kind of Freedom Force style team.  I’d like to imagine that he’s super cheerful and friendly when he first joins up, and they are all a little bit terrified of him. 

The character design is different, but looks pretty good for a re-imagining of the character.  They’ve remembered the most important aspects of Pryo, namely “scrawny,” “fire colors,” and “crazy blond hair all over the place.”  He also seems to be actually Australian, judging by him using the term “down under” at one point.  In fitting with the “teen X-Men” theme of Evolution, this Pyro looks very young.  If the Brotherhood are all in high school, Pyro looks like he’s college age, like a couple of years older at most.

Like I said, Evo Pyro is fun, and surprisingly popular (I find a lot of Evo Pyro fan-stuff when I’m looking for comics Pyro), but it kinda feels like he got shafted, story-wise.  In both this series and Wolverine and the X-Men, cartoons where the Brotherhood got a bigger role and more development, Pyro didn’t make the cut as a Brotherhood member and wound up in a minor role as an Acolyte.  He feels kind of under-developed, and is mostly there to either be menacing or comic relief. 

Wait a minute....menacing....comic-relief....under-developed.......laughs hysterically at violence......

Maybe Duggan has actually been writing Evolution Pyro in Marauders this whole time?

I don’t want to take anything away from fans of Evo Pyro, but I kinda wonder what we could have gotten if he’d been a Bayville high school student and part of the more sympathetic teen Brotherhood.  Would he have a better developed character?  Would they have made him an annoying twerp like Toad (I say that with great affection, Toad is probably my favorite Evo character) or a smug secretly-insecure hot-shot like Quicksilver?  Or anger issues like Evo Avalanche?  Would they let him keep his original name and nationality, or would he be an American teen with a cutesy on-the-nose name like Ash Embers or Flameo Hotman?    We’ll never know!

Wolverine and the X-Men Pyro:

Again an Acolyte rather than a Brotherhood member, this Pyro has even less development than Evo Pyro.  He shows up in the first episode being rescued from the Mutant Response Division (along with Boom Boom, Dust, and others).  In that scene, he’s clearly meant to be Australian (saying “mate,”), and appears to be on friendly terms with Boom Boom and Dust.  Later on Genosha, he seems to be one of Magneto’s guards/lackeys, and doesn’t appear to mind Dust being thrown in prison.  He’s either a true believer, or is mercenary and practical-minded like comics Pyro, and has decided that following Magneto is his best chance for survival,  Pyro does apologize to Nightcrawler and offer a quick “Nothing personal,” when Magneto sends the Acolytes after him, so maybe he doesn’t revel in his work the same way Evo Pyro does.  The only other notable thing he does is get in trouble for telling Lorna news about Wanda going missing (Magneto is pissed enough to throw him into a cell for that), so I assume that this Pyro is also a massive gossip.  It’s the best I can do with what very little we get of him.  The X-Men don’t seem to have any issue with Pyro (or even recognize him) when they first rescue him, so I’m guessing that he didn’t have any criminal history before joining Magneto in Genosha?  Unlike TAS series Pyro, who’s overall attitude is, “Be gay, do crimes!  And by crimes, I mean arson and kidnapping!” 

I’m not fond of this design.  It’s a nice updated look, and really more stylish than what he’s worn in the comics, but the hair is too douche-bag frat-boy for me, and I can’t get past the little soul-patch on his chin.  Shave that nonsense, Pyro, you can’t pull off facial hair.  He looks older than Evo Pyro but younger than comics Pyro - maybe mid-to-late 20′s? 

This Pyro is sadly kinda forgettable.  I’m not sure why Pyro got largely skipped over as a Brotherhood member in later X-Men cartoons, but the fact that the character was long dead in the comics by the time the cartoons aired probably had something to do with it.  Kinda sad that they wasted the potential they could have gotten out of teen Bobby vs. teen Pyro in Evolution, though. 

(Come to think of it, Gambit got similarly shafted in Evolution and Wolverine and the X-Men, since they pushed him into a minor recurring side-character role.  At least in the original X-Men TAS, Gambit actually got to be an X-Man and main character.)  

Obviously, TAS Pyro is my favorite out of these, but I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.  Nothing wrong with being a fan of Evo Pyro or even the barely there WatXM Pyro, they’re all good!

[listen-to-miracles-again]

For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun. I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed. I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat. I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy. I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS. I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape. I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist. I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch. I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell. I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell. I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people. I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible. I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay. I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash. I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants. I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem. I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store. I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage. I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore... I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe. I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut. I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob. I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo. I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend. I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars. I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy. I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore. I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut. I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one". I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST! I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life. I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention. I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual. I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer. I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser. I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll. I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi. I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT. I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13 I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent. I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy. I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid. I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat. I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly. I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7 I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals. I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up. I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork. I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty. I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self-control. I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister. I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore. I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border. I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot. I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis. I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay. I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich. I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino. I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party. I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy. I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone. I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too. I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't. I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social. I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy. I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch. My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills. I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch. I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs. I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser. I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE… So I MUST be a whore myself. I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual. I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak. I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker. I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted. I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled. I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak. I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant. I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo. I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent. I’m QUIET if I don’t know you so I MUST be emo or anti-social. I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend. I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers. I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare. I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth. I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE. I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid. I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE. I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER! I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future. I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue. I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex. I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian. I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see. I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE. I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER. I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED. I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST. I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST. I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick. I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY. I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard. I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean. I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid. I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the time I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian. I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting. I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak. I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life. I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp. I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around. I CURSE A LOT so I MUST be a bad kid and have problems I DON'T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!! I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian. I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman. I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights. We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time. I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room. I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me. I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again. I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear. We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men. I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me. I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman. I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male. I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men. I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that. I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual. I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me. I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind. I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love. I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parentshe loves another male. Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it Sorry for the long post. I just think this is important. I got this from Ivory’Lee Lambskank on m.fanfiction.net

[hiim-nico]

Kaminari has Terrible Pickup  Lines {Kamisero}

This is actually fluffy as shit. There are 31 parts, but they’ll all be in this post. 

Word count: 6190

Monday morning was the first time it happened.

“Hey, Sero!” Kaminari called after him. Sero stopped, turning around to look at the blond who was jogging to catch up to him.

“What’s up, Kami?” Sero asked once the blond caught up to him and had stopped. Even if he had a crush on the guy, he had to at least act normal. Kaminari was his best friend after all.

“If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.” Kaminari winked at the stuttering mess of a boy and ran up to Ashido who was several yards ahead of Sero.

The second time, they were in math class that same day. They had been talking about triangles.

Kaminari had given Kirishima a note to pass to Sero. Written on it was the following:

“If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.

-Kami ;)”

Sero blushed like mad and hid his face in his hands.

Sero was walking in the park after school that day, trying to get thoughts of one Denki Kaminari out of his head. That was until the object of his thoughts came up to him and began talking.

“Are you lost, Sero? Because heaven is a long way from here.”

Sero thought he might actually spontaneously combust by how red his face was.

The 2 boys walked around the park for a while, following a stream until there was a beaver dam blocking the water.

“Hey, Sero?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you a beaver? Cause dam.”

Sero wished the ground would swallow him up.

The next day, they were changing into their hero costumes when Kaminari whispered to him.

“Hey, Sero?”

“Hmmm.”

“Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?”

Kaminari winked at him and he could feel his entire body heat up. His face was probably redder than Kirishima’s hair.  

After school, the pair of boys was in the library studying.

“Sero, if you were a library book, I would check you out.”

Sero blushed and said, “Kaminari, you don’t even check out library books.”

“I know. That’s what makes you so special.”

Sero’s face looked like a rotten tomato.

They were in class the day after that. Kaminari had just broken the tip of his pencil when they were working on some class work together.

“This pencil is like my life without you,” Kaminari had said, holding the pencil up to show Sero.

“Oh? And how is that?”

“It’s pointless.” Kaminari smiled and Sero blushed redder than a fire truck.

Sero had tied him up in hero training later that day and was walking towards him to untie him when it came.

“I wish I was cross-eyed so I can see you twice.”

Sero decided Kaminari could stay tied up a little longer while his face calmed down, much to Kaminari’s protest.

They were on a field trip this time, going to a hero museum.

“Sero, I must be in a museum-”

“You are in a museum.” Sero cut him off, but Kaminari continued talking like he hadn’t said anything at all.

“Because you truly are a work of art.”

And yeah, Sero was a blushing mess again.

The Bakusquad had gone out for dinner. Mina had ordered the chicken, Kirishima had ordered a steak, Bakugou had ordered something spicy, Kaminari had ordered the same as Mina, and Sero had ordered the same as Kirishima.

When their food arrived, Kaminari leaned over to Sero to whisper, “If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.”

“You’re such a dork,” Sero said back, hiding his now beet red face in his hands.

It was after school and the 2 boys were hanging out in the common room, snacking on some carrot sticks.

“Hey, Sero?”

“Are you going to use another pickup line on me?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, let’s hear it then.”

“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a-”

“A cutecumber. I’ve heard that one before.”

Kaminari just pouted, which Sero found adorable.

They were in geography class and studying America and its states. Kaminari passed another note through Kirishima.

“Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see.

-Kami;)”

Sero glanced over at the blond, which was a mistake because Kaminari was grinning at him and as soon as he caught Sero’s glance, he winked.

Sero looked away and attempted to cover the blush on his cheeks.

The boys had gone to a vending machine during lunch to get a soda each. Kaminari turned to Sero after the taller boy had gotten a cherry Coke from the machine.

“Your name must be Coca-Cola because you’re so-da-licious.”

“I don’t get it,” Sero said, furrowing his eyebrows and looking at the blond, puzzled.

“So-da-licious. Like, soda. Because Coke is a soda. But also like delicious. Because you’re absolutely delectable to look at.” At the flustered and still confused look from Sero, Kaminari sighed in exasperation. “Nevermind. It works better if you write it out.”

Sero wasn’t even sure where this one came from, but Kaminari spit it out nevertheless.

“Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.”

“Where did that even come from?”

“Well, I saw that tree and it has leaves and koalas eat leaves so I thought of koalas.” Kaminari shrugged.

“I have no idea how those connections happened in that stupid little head of yours.”

Kaminari pouted again.

They were changing out of their hero costumes this time, and Sero was shirtless.

Kaminari whistled and fanned himself with his hand. “Oi, Sero. Is it hot in here or is it just you?”

While Sero’s face was heating up, Bakugou turned and let off a few explosions, yelling “STOP FLIRTING WITH HIM RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, YOU KNOCKOFF PIKACHU. IT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING.”

Sero was currently pulling on his shirt, hoping nobody could see the redness in his cheeks, although all of them had gotten used to seeing Sero so flustered around Kaminari.

Kirishima was restraining Bakugou and Sero took to dragging Kaminari by the back of his shirt. “C’mon, Kami, before you get yourself killed.”

Kaminari was pouting again, and Sero could honestly say he would die right now if he could die of cuteness.

They were in the cafeteria for lunch this time. Kaminari was sitting next to Sero on one side of the table, and on the other side was Ashido, Kirishima, and Bakugou.

“Hey, Sero,” Kaminari said, turning to the boy beside him.

“I swear to God if you’re about to use some shitty pickup line I might actually barf.” That was Bakugou.

“Yeah, what is it, Kami?” Sero responded, ignoring what Bakugou had just said.

“What does it feel like to be the most beautiful person in the room?”

“I have no idea. Kaminari, what does it feel like to be the most beautiful person in the room?”

Kaminari was blushing at that one.

Bakugou started yelling. “I’LL TELL YOU TWO LOSERS HOW IT FEELS. IT FEEL FUCKING GREAT.”

Kirishima quickly shut him up by clamping a hand over his mouth. “Babe, be quiet and let them have their moment.”

Kaminari seemed nervous this time. Like ‘twiddling his thumbs, looking down at the ground, biting his lip’ nervous.

“Hey, Sero?” His voice was smaller, less confident. Sero didn’t like it much. He preferred the extra confident Denki Kaminari everybody knew to this version.

“What is it, Kami?” Come to think of it, this was the only time Kaminari had shown up at his dorm room unexpectedly by himself. If he did ever show up unannounced, he was usually with another member of the Bakusquad. But today he was by himself, and that was a little odd.

“Um,” Kaminari scratched the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his Sero had picked up on. “Are you my appendix? Because I don’t understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.”

Sero was speechless for a few moments, and Kaminari looked dejected.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Just forget I said anything.”

“No, wait,” Sero said, placing a hand on the electric blond’s arm. “Are you…” He paused, thinking a moment. “Are you asking me out?”

“Uh, yeah. I’ve been flirting with you, like, all wee-”

“Wait, you were, like, actually flirting with me? It wasn’t just a prank or something?”

“Yes, I was actually flirting with you. Why would that be a prank?”

“I don’t know, sometimes the stuff you do doesn’t really make sense.”

There was a beat of uncomfortable silence.

“So, um, you never really answered my question. Well, it wasn’t really a question but it was kinda implied there was a question there so-”

“Yes.”

“What?” Kaminari looked up at Sero from where he had previously been looking at the carpet underneath his feet.

“Yeah, I’d love to go out with you.”

“Really? You really mean that?” Kaminari was practically vibrating with excitement and the air around him was crackling from his quirk.

“Yes, I really mean it. Now calm down before you zap me.” Sero had long taken his hand off the other boy’s arm as a safety precaution.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.” Kaminari reined in his quirk and made sure it didn’t accidentally zap his- Wait. What should he call Sero? Crush wasn’t the right word anymore, but it seemed to early to call him a boyfriend. It didn’t matter really, because he was going on a date with Hanta Sero, the boy he’d had a crush on from the minute they’d met. Kaminari was ecstatic. And if the massive smile on his face was anything to go by, Sero was pretty happy too.

“So, um, when are you free?” Kaminari asked, a little timidly. He hadn’t actually thought he’d get this far, but he had a list of ideas for the perfect first date. Man, Ashido was gonna go wild when she heard about this.

“Well, Friday and Saturday we have the remedial lessons, but on Sunday I don’t really have anything to do.”

“Yeah, I’m free on Sunday too.” He really wasn’t. He had promised Kirishima he would study with him, but he hoped to God the redhead would understand. “Does noon work?”

“Yeah, noon works for me.”

“Alright. See you tomorrow, Ser-”

“Hanta. Call me Hanta.”

“Alright, Hanta. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow, Ka-”

“Try again.”

“Denki. See you tomorrow, Denki.”

“Better.”

And with that, Denki walked away.

It was after their first date, which had not been totally free from the stupid pickup lines Denki had been using all week when another one of said pickup lines came.

“Hey, um, Hanta?”

“Yeah, what’s up, Denki?”

“I, uh, I had a really good time tonight.”

“I had a good time too.”

“So, um, if I were to ask you out again, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?”

“Absolutely,” Hanta said after analyzing what Denki had said.

Denki’s face brightened up at that. “Really?”

“Of course, Denki. Would I lie?”

Denki laughed. “I guess not.”

“It’s settled then. We’re going on another date. Next week, 5 o’clock on Sunday?”

“Sure, I’d like that a lot.”

“Okay, well, now that that’s settled, we should probably start heading back or we’re gonna miss curfew and Aizawa’s gonna yell at us like the dad he is.” And with that, Hanta grabbed Denki’s hand and ran across the street, dragging his date along after him.

Denki and Hanta were hanging out in the taller boy’s room where Hanta was trying to pick out what to wear for some fancy party his parents were dragging him to.

“Which is better, this one,” Hanta asked, holding up a teal blue shirt with a black vest, “or this one?” He said, holding up a deep purple shirt with a black vest that had white pinstripes on it.

“You know what you would look really beautiful in?” Denki commented absentmindedly, sitting on the bed. “My arms.”

“Oh, my god, Denki. Now is not the time for your pickup lines. Just help me pick out a shirt.”

“Okay, okay,” Denki said between chuckles. “The purple one, but with the vest from the teal one.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t have thought of that. Thanks, Denki.”

“No problem,” the blond replied, still laughing lightly.

They were lounging around in the common room again, both in sweatpants and t-shirts.

“Hey, Hanta.”

“Huh?”

“Feel my shirt.”

“Why?”

“Just do it, and guess what it’s made of.”

Hanta felt the shirt and took a wild guess of what it was made of. “Uhhhh, cotton?”

Denki chuckled lightly. “No, it’s made of boyfriend material.”

“Was that your stupid way of asking me to be your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, what about it?” Kaminari pouted.

Now it was Hanta’s turn to laugh.

“Stop laughing at me, Hanta!” Denki huffed.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just really hard to keep from laughing when my boyfriend is so cute when he’s pouting.”

Denki looked up at him, smiling widely. “Boyfriend?”

“Yeah, boyfriend. You couldn’t possibly expect me to say no, could you?”

“I guess not,” Denki smiled, pecking Hanta on the cheek lightly.

Hanta’s face turned a dark shade of crimson, and Denki laughed louder.

Hanta was walking to class when Denki came up behind him.

“Hanta, your hand looks really heavy. Let me hold it for you,” Denki said, grabbing the noiret’s hand and holding it, smiling widely.

Hanta’s face looked like a tomato, but to Denki it was cute. So, he gave Hanta a quick peck on the cheek. Hanta looked at him and tried to hide his face in Denki’s shoulder. Denki just laughed at how cute his boyfriend was being.

Hanta and Denki had just gotten back from a date (their fifth) and were standing outside the door to Denki’s dorm room. It was the perfect time for a kiss, in Denki’s opinion.

“Hanta?”

“Hmmm?”

“Are you going to kiss me, or do I have to lie to my diary?” Denki asked with a playful smirk.

Hanta leaned in, and it felt like electricity was dancing over his skin. It probably was, considering Denki’s quirk. When their lips met, it was electric, the feeling he got throughout his body. He loved it. He wouldn’t change that feeling for the world.

They had been eating s'mores at a campfire with the Bakusquad, a party thrown because 'those 2 idiots finally got it together and started going out.' Hanta had been eating a particularly gooey, melted s'more when the line came. "Hey, Hanta?" "Yeah, what is it, Denki?" "I've been wondering, do your lips taste as good as they look?" Hanta, a blushing mess but still trying to keep a facade of being cool asked back, "I don't know, why don't you find out?" So Denki kissed him, causing a few explosions and a gagging sound from Bakugou, and a couple of 'awwwwwww's from Ashido and Kirishima.

Denki was staring at him, and Hanta noticed.

“What are you looking at?” Hanta asked.

“Oh, sorry. It’s just, your lips look so lonely… Would they like to meet mine?” Denki questioned, a huge grin on his face.

Hanta blushed, of course, but responded with, “They love meeting yours.”

The two kissed, and it felt just like their first one.

“Hey, um, Hanta?” Denki was nervous again. Like 'twiddling his thumbs, looking down at the ground, biting his lip’ nervous.

“Yeah, what's up, Denki?”

“Uh,” Denki began scratching at the back of his neck again. “My mom thinks I'm straight, can you help me prove her wrong?”

Hanta chuckled. “That was a good one, Denki.”

“Heh, yeah.” Denki still looked nervous.

“Was there something else?”

“Well, I mean, I guess you didn't get it. I was, uh, I was kinda asking you something.”

“Wait, were you asking me if you could tell your parents about us? Because honestl-”

“No,” Denki cut him off. “No, I kind of already told them. I was asking, uh, if you'd want to meet them. As my official boyfriend. It's fine if you don't want to or something, but I was supposed to go over this weekend for dinner so I figured I could bring you along.” Denki was rambling, and he knew it, but he couldn't stop trying to fill the silence between the asking and the inevitable rejection. But he had run out of things to say and now he was just staring at his feet, one of which was rubbing the carpet underneath it.

“Denki, look at me.” Hanta knew Denki could get self-conscious sometimes. And sometimes he needed reassurance in the form of a smiling face.

Denki slowly looked up at his boyfriend's face.

“Do you really want to introduce me to your parents, or are they asking you to?”

“No, I want to. They haven't been asking at all. This is all me.”

“Okay, then I'll come.”

Denki smiled, wider than Hanta had seen since he had first asked the taller boy out.

“Really? You'll really come to meet my parents?”

“Of course I will. Because my amazing boyfriend wants me to.”

Denki's smile somehow got wider. He hugged Hanta until the noiret could barely breathe. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much, Hanta.”

“Of course, Denki,” Hanta wheezed out. “Now, could you let go of me before I pass out?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

“It's fine, babe,” Hanta told him, kissing him on the cheek.

And Denki's already thousand-watt smile got even brighter somehow.

Denki had been eating candy this time.   "Hanta, can I tell you something?" "Sure, what's up?" Hanta asked, his expression a serious one. Denki grinned. "My lips are like skittles. Do you wanna taste the rainbow?" Hanta covered the blond's face with his hand. "You dork. I thought you were gonna tell me something serious." Denki pouted. "So I don't get a kiss?" Hanta kissed his cheek. "There. Nothing more." "But Hantaaaaaaaaa!" "Nope. Maybe later. You made me think something was wrong." Denki pouted some more and moved to the opposite side of the couch.

Denki and Hanta were in Denki’s room after a date. It was Hanta’s 18th birthday. They were heavily making out when Denki pulled out this line.

“Is that a mirror in your pocket? ‘Cause I can see myself in your pants,” he said breathlessly between kisses.

Hanta laughed until Denki showed him just how right he had been.

It was their 5th anniversary, and they went out to dinner to celebrate.

“Hey, um, Hanta?” Denki had been hyped up all day (something Hanta found adorable), but now he was nervous. 'Twiddling his thumbs, looking down at the ground, biting his lip’ nervous.

“Yeah, what's up, Denki?”

“Uh, okay.” Denki got down on one knee (his good one, Hanta noted. His bad one was stretched out in front of him, which Hanta was grateful for.) “When a penguin finds a mate, they stay with them for the rest of their life.” Denki took the black velvet box out of his pocket, and Hanta slapped a hand over his own mouth. “What I was wondering, Hanta Sero, was,” Denki continued, opening the box. Hanta may have been crying. “Will you be my penguin?” Denki, looked up at Hanta, face full of hope.

Hanta nodded his head, falling to his knees (careful to avoid hitting Denki's bad leg) and hugging his fiancé. “Yes, yes, oh my god, yes. Of course, Denki. A thousand times, yes.” He was definitely crying now.

“Okay, penguin, can we get up now? My leg's starting to hurt,” Denki said, using the new pet name for Hanta.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” So Hanta got to his own feet, helping Denki get to his as well before kissing the blond passionately. The restaurant erupted in cheers and applause for the 2 budding heroes and new fiancés.

The pair sat down, now on the same side of the booth they had previously been sitting across from each other in. Denki slid over the black velvet box containing the ring. “You don't have to wear it if you don't want to.”

“No, I'm gonna wear it,” Hanta said, opening the box to examine the ring. It was a plain silver color on the outside with the words “Forever and Always” engraved on it.

“Look on the inside,” Denki said excitedly.

So, Hanta did. The inside was golden in color, and if you held it just right and looked very carefully, you could see the words “Chargebolt and Cellophane” engraved on the inside. “Chargebolt and Cellophane. Forever and always. Denki, you big sap, oh my god.” Hanta said, tackling his fiancé in a hug and kissing his face all over. “I love you so much, y'know that Denki?”

“Course I know, Hanta. You did just agree to marry me, right? I didn't hear you wrong?”

“No, you heard me right. I'm gonna marry you. Oh my God Denki. We're getting married. I'm gonna marry you. I'm going to get married to the love of my life.”

Denki was blushing a little. “I love you so much, Hanta,” Denki said, pressing a kiss to the taller man's cheek.

“I love you too, Denki.”

While Hanta and Denki were attacking each other with kisses on one side of the booth, a waitress came by with a piece of cake for the happy couple.

“Thank you,” Hanta said as she set the plate down.

“Oh, no problem. And congratulations you two.”

“Thank you so much,” Denki said, grabbing one of the two forks on the plate to start eating his celebratory cake with.

The waitress walked away, leaving Hanta to pick up his fork and take an experimental bite of the cake. “This is really good,” he said after swallowing.

“I know. Here, have some more,” Denki said, holding out his fork for Hanta to eat the bite of cake off the end.

And that was how their date ended, feeding each other bites of cake between kisses, Hanta with a ring on his finger.

It was their wedding day, and both men were nervous because "Oh my god, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams." Hanta was standing at the altar, waiting for the procession to begin.  The music began playing, and the doors opened to reveal the bridesmaids and groomsmen pairs. Up first was Tsu and Iida. After them was Yaoyorozu and Hagakure. After that pair was Midoriya and Uraraka. After them was Katsuki and Eijiro (only because Katsuki insisted he be with his own husband). After them, were the maids of honor, Ashido and Jiro.  Lastly, Denki and his father walked in (because Denki's father was gonna walk him down the aisle whether Denki damn well liked it or not) and Denki looked stunning. Like, 'Holy shit I might have a heart attack right here and now' stunning. As Denki walked down the aisle, Hanta watched his future husband draw closer. Once Denki got up to the altar, he grabbed Hanta's hand and didn't let go. The officiant (Shoto) said the opening words in his usual monotone, although it was accompanied by a small smile. "Friends, we have joined here today to share with Hanta and Denki an important moment in their lives. In their time together, they have seen their love and understanding of each other grow and blossom and now they have decided to live out the rest of their lives as one." The opening reading was by Eijiro. It was something he had written himself. "Before the two of you got together, everyone could see you liked each other. Like, everyone. I mean, like, even Aoyama could see it. And all he ever sees is himself." Aoyama piped up from the crowd. "It's true, I could tell." Everybody laughed. "You guys are perfect for each other. Every relationship has ups and downs, and you guys have dealt with the downs and ridden high over the ups. You've dealt with things better than me and Katsuki have, that's for sure. I can't tell you how many death threats I get in the span of a week." "Stop talking about me and read the damn speech, Shitty-hair," Katsuki yelled at his husband from the front row. "Okay, okay. Shut up, Kat. Anyway, Sero and Kaminari, you guys are two halves of a whole idiot." That brought out another chuckle from the crowd. "But you guys are pretty great together." With that, Eijiro stepped down and sat next to his husband. Now, it was Shoto's turn to speak. "Marriage, as defined by Google, is 'the legally or formally recognized union between two people as partners in a personal relationship.' Marriage, as defined by my husband, Izuku, is 'the official name of a long union that is the beginning of a family.' Marriage, as defined by me, is when two people love and care about each other so much that they choose to unite themselves and spend the rest of their lives together, whether their union is legally binding or not."

Then it was time for their vows. They had opted not to write their own. "Alright, repeat after me. 'I, Denki Kaminari,'" Shoto began. "I, Denki Kaminari," Denki repeated. "'Take you, Hanta Sero,'" "Take you, Hanta Sero," "'To be my husband,'" "To be my husband," "'To have and to hold'" "To have and to hold" "'From this day forward,'" "From this day forward," "'For better or for worse,'" "For better or for worse," "'For richer, for poorer,'" "For richer, for poorer," "'In sickness and in health,'" "In sickness and in health," "'To love and to cherish;'" "To love and to cherish;" "'From this day forward'" "From this day forward" "'Until death do us part.'" "Until death do us part." Denki had the widest smile Hanta had ever seen on his face. "'I, Denki Kaminari, take you, Hanta Sero,’”

“I, Denki Kaminari, take you, Hanta Sero,”

“‘To be my husband, my friend,’”

“To be my husband, my friend,”

“‘My faithful partner, and my love’”

“My faithful partner, and my love”

“‘From this day forward.’”

“From this day forward.”

“‘In the presence of our family and friends,’”

“In the presence of our family and friends,”

“‘I offer you my solemn vow’”

“I offer you my solemn vow”

“‘To be your faithful partner’”

“To be your faithful partner”

“‘In sickness and in health,’”

“In sickness and in health,”

“‘In good times and in bad,’”

“In good times and in bad,”

“‘And in joy as well as sorrow.’”

“And in joy as well as sorrow.”

“‘I promise to love you unconditionally,’”

“I promise to love you unconditionally,”

“‘To support you in your goals,’”

“To support you in your goals,”

“‘To honor and respect you,’”

“To honor and respect you,”

“‘To laugh with you and cry with you,’”

“To laugh with you and cry with you,”

“‘And to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.’”

“And to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.”

“'I, Denki Kaminari, take you, Hanta Sero, to be my husband,’”

“I, Denki Kaminari, take you, Hanta Sero, to be my husband,”

“'My partner in life and my one true love.’”

“My partner in life and my one true love.”

“'I will cherish our union and love you more each day’”

“I will cherish our union and love you more each day”

“‘Than I did the day before.’”

“Than I did the day before.”

“'I will trust you and respect you,’”

“I will trust you and respect you,”

“'Laugh with you and cry with you,’”

“Laugh with you and cry with you,”

“'Loving you faithfully through good times and bad,’”

“Loving you faithfully through good times and bad,”

“'Regardless of the obstacles we may face together.’”

“Regardless of the obstacles we may face together.”

“'I give you my hand, my heart, and my love,’”

“I give you my hand, my heart, and my love,”

“'From this day forward for as long as we both shall live.’”

“From this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”

“Alright, now Hanta, repeat after me. 'I, Hanta Sero,'" "I, Hanta Sero," Hanta repeated, clutching Denki’s hand, although he had no idea when that had happened. "'Take you, Denki Kaminari,'" "Take you, Denki Kaminari," Hanta was smiling, and he may have been crying. "'To be my husband,'" "To be my husband," "'To have and to hold'" "To have and to hold" "'From this day forward,'" "From this day forward," "'For better or for worse,'" "For better or for worse," "'For richer, for poorer,'" "For richer, for poorer," "'In sickness and in health,'" "In sickness and in health," "'To love and to cherish;'" "To love and to cherish;" "'From this day forward'" "From this day forward" "'Until death do us part.'" "Until death do us part." Was Denki crying?

"'I, Hanta Sero, take you, Denki Kaminari,’”

“I, Hanta Sero, take you, Denki Kaminari,”

“‘To be my husband, my friend,’”

“To be my husband, my friend,”

“‘My faithful partner, and my love’”

“My faithful partner, and my love”

“‘From this day forward.’”

“From this day forward.”

“‘In the presence of our family and friends,’”

“In the presence of our family and friends,”

“‘I offer you my solemn vow’”

“I offer you my solemn vow”

“‘To be your faithful partner’”

“To be your faithful partner”

“‘In sickness and in health,’”

“In sickness and in health,”

“‘In good times and in bad,’”

“In good times and in bad,”

“‘And in joy as well as sorrow.’”

“And in joy as well as sorrow.”

“‘I promise to love you unconditionally,’”

“I promise to love you unconditionally,”

“‘To support you in your goals,’”

“To support you in your goals,”

“‘To honor and respect you,’”

“To honor and respect you,”

“‘To laugh with you and cry with you,’”

“To laugh with you and cry with you,”

“‘And to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.’”

“And to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.” They were both definitely crying now.

“'I, Hanta Sero, take you, Denki Kaminari, to be my husband,’”

“I, Hanta Sero, take you, Denki Kaminari, to be my husband,”

“'My partner in life and my one true love.’”

“My partner in life and my one true love.”

“'I will cherish our union and love you more each day’”

“I will cherish our union and love you more each day”

“‘Than I did the day before.’”

“Than I did the day before.”

“'I will trust you and respect you,’”

“I will trust you and respect you,”

“'Laugh with you and cry with you,’”

“Laugh with you and cry with you,”

“'Loving you faithfully through good times and bad,’”

“Loving you faithfully through good times and bad,”

“'Regardless of the obstacles we may face together.’”

“Regardless of the obstacles we may face together.”

“'I give you my hand, my heart, and my love,’”

“I give you my hand, my heart, and my love,”

“'From this day forward for as long as we both shall live.’”

“From this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”

“Now it is time for the exchange of the rings. Denki, will you now present the ring as a symbol of your love, honor, and loyalty?” Shoto asked.

Denki turned around to get his ring from Jiro. Holding the ring in his hand made everything feel just a little more real.

“Hanta, will you receive this ring as a symbol of Denki’s love, honor, and loyalty? And will you always wear it as a symbol of your own love, honor, and loyalty toward him? If so, please answer ‘I will.’”

“I will,” Hanta breathed out before Shoto had even finished saying the proper response.

“Denki, will you now place the ring on Hanta’s left hand and repeat after me.”

Denki placed the ring around Hanta’s left ring finger but didn’t slide it all the way on just yet.

“‘This ring I give to you,’” Shoto began.

“This ring I give to you,” Denki repeated.

“‘In token and in pledge.’”

“In token and in pledge.”

“‘Of our constant faithfulness.’”

“Of our constant faithfulness.”

“‘And unconditional love.’”

“And unconditional love,” Denki finished, sliding the ring down the rest of Hanta’s finger.

“Hanta, will you now present the ring as a symbol of your love, honor, and loyalty?” Shoto asked.

Hanta turned around to get the ring from Ashido.

“Denki, will you receive this ring as a symbol of Hanta’s love, honor, and loyalty? And will you always wear it as a symbol of your own love, honor, and loyalty toward him? If so, please answer ‘I will.’”

“I will,” Denki said, smile on his face and happy tears in his eyes.

“Hanta, will you now place the ring on Denki’s left hand and repeat after me.”

Hanta placed the ring around Denki’s left ring finger, doing the same thing Denki had done.

“‘This ring I give to you,’” Shoto began.

“This ring I give to you,” Hanta repeated.

“‘In token and in pledge.’”

“In token and in pledge.”

“‘Of our constant faithfulness.’”

“Of our constant faithfulness.”

“‘And unconditional love.’”

“And unconditional love,” Hanta finished, sliding the ring down the rest of Denki’s finger.

"By the power vested in me by the website I became ordained on, I now pronounce you husband and husband." "Hey, Hanta?" Denki asked, draping his arms around the taller man's shoulders. "What is it, Denki?" Hanta responded, wrapping his arms around the blond's waist. "If I had a garden, I'd put your tulips and my tulips together," Denki said with a smirk. "You may now kiss the groom." "Why wait?" And then the two came together for their first kiss as husbands, and it felt exactly like every other kiss they'd had, but somehow it felt so much different, and it tasted like rain, and sunshine and the somewhat-metallic taste Denki's mouth always had because of his quirk. But honestly? Hanta wouldn't have it any other way.

When the two broke apart, Shoto said, “I present to you, Denki and Hanta Kaminari.”

The crowd cheered and applauded, and the happy couple walked back down the aisle and outside the church to take pictures and get in the limo to go to the reception.

The reception was fantastic. Catered by the Bakugou Catering Company (with their friends and family discount), Katsuki had cooked most of the food himself, so Hanta and Denki knew it would be great.

They danced their first dance as husbands, getting swept away from each other but meeting back up again by the end, and soon enough it was time to cut the cake.

Baked by the Sato Bakery, the cake was beautiful. 3 carefully stacked teirs, white icing contrasting well with the black decals on the cake. It was magnificent. And to top it all off (literally) there was a mini Denki and mini Hanta dancing on the top of the cake.

“Didn’t I tell you we’d look cute on a wedding cake together?”

“Um, no?” Hanta looked at his husband a little oddly.

“Oh, that’s right. I didn’t. Well, the other way that I would have proposed if I hadn’t used the penguin line would have been saying ‘Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?’ In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t pick that one.”

“I’m glad too. If you had, I wouldn’t be able to call you penguin, penguin.”

“I guess that’s true.” Denki laughed, a full laugh with a wide smile, showing off all his pearly white teeth, and it made Hanta fall more in love with him every time he did it.

“Good morning, love,” Hanta said, walking out of the bedroom to the kitchen, where Denki was currently making pancakes.

“Good morning, Hanta.”

Hanta wrapped his arms around his husband, setting his chin on the shorter man’s shoulder. “How’d you sleep?”

“Mmmm. Good. How about you?” Denki turned to kiss Hanta’s cheek, but apparently Hanta had had the same ideas, so now they were kissing and none of them were complaining.

Except the pancakes. “Babe, I think the pancakes are burning,” Hanta said, releasing his husband from the kiss.

“Oh, shit. You’re right.” Denki quickly flipped all the pancakes off of the griddle and onto 2 plates. “Oh, I nearly forgot. I’ve got another pickup line for you.”

“Oh, you do?” Hanta asked, grabbing his plate. The couple walked over to the dining table to eat. Denki nodded. “Well, let’s hear it then.”

“Did it hurt?” Denki asked with a smile.

“Lemme guess, when I fell from heaven?” Hanta said, smirking back.

“No.” Denki paused. “When you fell for me?” Denki finished, smiling even bigger.

“Like a bitch.”

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Same here. But I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.”

“You’re so sweet you’re giving me a cavity,” Hanta answered.

“Oh, my god.”

“What?”

“Did you, Hanta Kaminari, just use a pickup line on me?”

“So what if I did?”

“You’re not allowed to! Pickup lines are my thing! You’re not allowed to steal my thing!”

“I stole your heart, why can’t I steal your thing?”

“Hantaaaaaaaaaa, now you’re just using more.”

Hanta laughed, “Alright, I’ll stop.”

“Y’know,” Denki said, swallowing his pancakes. “I still think that if you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple.”

I don’t wanna sound like an asshole because likes are good. Reblogs are better though. 

[bigskydreaming]

gingerjab replied to your post “ANYWAY. The petition/prayer circle for Michael Trevino to be cast as...”

I’m forever an asshole obsessed with fire/ice ships so Thunderbird or Sunfire, fuck the inhumans one off and St. John. Also, Rahul Kohli as Neal Shaara/Thunderbird/Agni. Also I’m sposed to be asleep so ignore if this is a shit idea.

For the record, I actually kinda like the Inhuman guy, cuz I mean, its not his fault he’s part of a trash franchise. I think it probably helps that I’ve only ever read one issue with him, so as to render it absolutely impossible for his writing to piss me off. I like to just close my eyes and pretend he’s a mutant. Y’know. Like I do with Kamala!

Who is obviously a mutant.

(And like.....let’s be real. The dude is a pyrokinetic with a demon form, the codename INFERNO, and his REAL name is DANTE Pertuz. DANTE. INFERNO. Like, that’s the on-the-nose-fuck-your-subtlety-we-came-here-to-be-pretentious-as-fuck-with-our-literary-references-look-how-dignified-it-makes-our-character balls to the wall character concept I am HERE for. I’m like OH HAI I SEE WHAT U DID THAR. And they’re like “oh yeah? You got it? Hahaha, we were worried nobody would, phew, good job tho. Totally adds to the character right? Pretty clever of us.” And then I’d be like Hahahaha no, not even a little bit, but ‘scool, I like him anyway cuz I’m easy like that. I put out for puns.” And then they’d be like awwwww, dammit, we worked so hard on that. And I’d be like....well, that doesn’t speak highly of your abilities, I mean it was a super obvious joke. And then I stopped making up conversations with hypothetical people in my head.)

Also, in defense of comic book St. John Allerdyce and absolutely NO OTHER VERSIONS EVER because agreed, they all suck....

Comic book St. John is a snarky Australian asshole who in between acts of mutant mass destruction, has a side career as a successful romance novelist under a pen name.

(I’m not even joking. Comic book St. John, in canon, writes romance novels in his spare time as a hobby. LOLOLOL c’mon, how is that not a great character beat for a supervillain slash occasional kinda-if-you-squint-superhero).

Anyway.

I too am also trash for fire/ice ships because SCREW SUBTLETY, WE SHIP THEMATICALLY. But like, its gotta be the RIGHT fire/ice ship. I weirdly have standards with my fire/ice ships? Probably just because I’m obsessed with Bobby Drake but whatever, who cares, how is that relevant.

I mean, OBVIOUSLY, you have your proto-fire/ice ship, the one, the original, the Word I came out of the womb prepared to preach and ship and like, spread to the masses....Bobby Drake/Johnny Storm. Because like. They are elemental dorks whose competitiveness is only matched by their dumbness, how can you not love them, I DEFY YOU TO SAY.

I’m kinda meh on Iceman/Pyro, because like, original comic book Pyro and Bobby never even interacted I think? And in cartoons they’re always totally different generations/age groups, and in the movies they’re like....boring and stale and not even all that attractive and also did I mention boring, omg no offense to whomever wrote them, but I tried reading Bobby/Pyro movie fanfic years ago because like, that’s the only movie Bobby fic there is, unless you want to read about him being an asshole to Rogue and/or cheating with Kitty and just generally driving Rogue into the arms of the much (much much much much, like ewww) older Logan or Gambit. Because srsly, so appealing. So obviously, I caved and tried reading Bobby/Pyro fics because like, they had the word ‘Bobby’ in them, and the bar is too low in my X-Men fic reading habits. And omg I fell asleep. I just. It was all just the standard m/m cookie cutter generic ‘good boy plus bad boy uwu yaoi-zowey’ bleh starring two not at all deeply written or well-acted meh-looking white dudes, and just. Why.

But that’s what I mean when I say I’m wary of fire/ice ships, because sometimes with powered characters like, authors think oh hey, LOOK ONE IS FIRE AND ONE IS ICE, THIS TOTALLY COUNTS AS THEM HAVING OPPOSITES ATTRACT PERSONALITIES AND THUS I DONT NEED TO GIVE THEM A PERSONALITY, RIGHT? Like. They’re just very boring and unimaginative in execution, just because they expect the basic premise of fire and ice/’obvious opposites attract, obviously’ to do all the work for them.

(Katey if you’re reading this I’m super for sure not talking about YOUR superpowered romances, because you are wonderful and GOOD at writing and imaginative, and thus none of this applies to you. Requisite disclaimer.)

So, when they did this random Bobby/’New Pyro Dude like where did he even come from I still dont know’ hook-up, I was prepared to like, yawn endlessly, because I figured it would be more boring imaginationless ‘ooh look what an obvious pair they are and yet still praise me for how clever I am for pairing them’ crap. 

And I was absolutely right!

(But I mean, it was written by Marc Guggenheim, the odds of it sucking were totally in my favor. Betting against them being well-written under his pen might feasibly be construed as cheating. Whatever).

And also, the art did them ZERO favors, like I know they’re both generic blond dudes in their twenties, but I LITERALLY COULD NOT TELL WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WHICH in any of the panels that they were like, in bed together or dressing or talking or literally anything until they started using their powers to fight bad guys. It was soooooooo bad. Like the art just manifested every ‘look at the white gay date his mirror reflection lol what is variety even’ cliche and beat you over the head with it.

(Also Bobby is supposed to have brown hair, which at least would’ve helped a LITTLE bit. Meh. Still was gonna suck because like, nobody had any intention of WRITING them together, like, developing their characters and laying the groundwork for a possible relationship. It was just ‘oh look, the fire and ice dude got drunk at a wedding and hooked up, cool deal, now on with the story.’)

Anyway, the ONLY redeeming potential for a Bobby/Simon relationship in my opinion is ENTIRELY due to a fic I read with them. Its probably the only fic written about Simon ever, lmfao, so its not like the writer’s characterization of him has any competition among either canon or other fans’ renditions of him. But it was pretty well written, I actually liked their portrayal of Bobby, which I’m SUPER picky about in fanfics, and they actually invested time in developing Simon and his POV and giving him an actual personality and shit, that wasn’t half bad. So if Simon was written like that in the comics and their relationship progressed in similar ways, I could feasibly be on board with them.

But it won’t, so I’m not. Meh. Anyway.

I actually really REALLY like both Shiro AND Neal, with the caveat that I hate Neal’s stupid offensive-ass codename, I know Claremont only named him Thunderbird because he introduced him in an anniversary issue that was supposed to be a call-back to the original Giant Size lineup, and he needed a stand-in for John Proudstar, but like....wtf Claremont, just use your brain and save Neal to introduce a whole issue later and stick Jamie in John’s place the way everyone else does. He literally went by Thunderbird in the comics already in his Hellion days, which YOU wrote, so why the fuck did you feel the need to be stupidly offensive and act like Native American people and traditions are interchangeable with those of a guy from India? Ugh he’s so....gah.

Anyway. So I actually like both Shiro and Neal, though pretty much only when people other than Claremont are writing them, lololol. Which is admittedly...rare. Because of all his pet characters, they’re both at the top of the list of ones nobody else has any interest in touching. Bizarrely, my favorite run involving Shiro was when he was randomly shoe-horned into that Alpha Flight relaunch in the late 90s, that only lasted a couple years? Dunno if you know what I’m talking about, the team with Radius, Flex, Murmur, Heather as Vindicator and Mac was a robot or some weird shit.

I have no real thoughts on either of them with Bobby though, for a fire and ice pairing. Tbh I can’t really see Bobby/Shiro like, at ALL lmfao. For one, Shiro’s always felt written as though he’s a good ten years older than Bobby at least. Like they’re not really compatible dialogue-wise lol. And he’s pretty much never had any patience for Bobby in the comics, which has a lot to do with most of their interactions being written by Claremont himself, and Claremont infamously haaaaaaates Bobby’s character and trashes him any chance he gets, aka the few times editorial makes him actually use Bobby in a script. But I also think even under other writers, like....Shiro honestly is not the type to have any patience for Bobby’s antics or brand of humor, like.....he’s like JP but without the superficial crush JP used in canon to view Bobby’s idiosyncrasies as endearing instead of migraine inducing. I don’t think any readers would buy someone of JP or Shiro’s personality-type crushing on Bobby twice, lololol.

I DO however kinda like the idea of Neal/Bobby? If someone ever actually brought Neal back and gave him a new codename and stuck him on a team with Bobby? They’ve also barely interacted in canon, and the only time I can think of, Neal was super rude and dismissive of Bobby, because like, Claremont was writing it of course, so it made total sense for him to have the dude who’s literally been an X-Man for two issues talk down to the X-Man of several decades like the latter had no clue what he was doing, lol. Oops, still slightly salty there. 

But honestly, I doubt anyone who didn’t have hyperfixation fueled grudges on a fictional fave’s behalf would ever even remember that one canon interaction, and tbh Neal’s pretty much a blank slate character wise. His only defining traits from what little he’s been used are that he’s fairly young, in his early to mid-twenties, from a wealthy family, a little full of himself but in a ‘really wants to impress people and prove himself’ kinda way instead of an overly entitled ‘i genuinely believe I am superior to all you buffoons’ kinda way. And he was always endearingly enthusiastic and eager about new stuff he encountered from being with the X-Men.

(He was also randomly obsessed with Psylocke, but I truly think Claremont was like, well I’m just gonna write him like I would Warren Worthington because why not. So yeah, obvsly he’s super obsessed with Betsy. Duh.)

Anyway - I would like someone to do something interesting with Neal, and I think his and Bobby’s chemistry has a lot of potential and they could bounce off each other well. 

Also, I like Rahul, but I was randomly fancasting some of the more obscure X-Men awhile back for Reasons (I forget what they were tbh, but I’m sure I had them. I usually do). I came across this Indian actor named Karan Tacker and was like ohhhhhhh he totally looks like he could be Neal Shaara.

I mean, I’ve literally never seen him act, so who knows what his acting is like, but since we’ve established Neal’s character is essentially whatever the person to actually use him next wants it to be, I don’t think that’s a big deal lol.

So this is totally superficially based casting, like I think this guy looks and ‘feels’ the way Neal’s typically been drawn and the kinda vibe he gives off.

Also, incidentally, having absolutely nothing to do with anything, let alone my selection process, by pure coincidence the dude just so happens to have abs for daaaaaaays.

But I mean. Like I said, that is neither here nor there. Obviously.

Of no relevance whatsoever. I didn’t even notice, tbh. Don’t even know who hijacked my body and ghost wrote these last few sentences, quick, call an exorcist.

....oh noes, is this one of the consequences of being an ‘anti’? IS THIS MY COMEUPPANCE? *flees*

[dfuentes96-blog]

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch. (rarely, but still)

I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.

I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm ATHEIST so i MUST hate the world.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...

I'm a DANCER, So i must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore

I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.

I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that’s how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.

I'm a STONER so i MUST be going in the wrong direction.

I'm a VIRGIN so i MUST be prude

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so i must be violent.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so i MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so i must do weed and steal stuff

I'm a PUNK so i must only wear black and date only other punks

I'm ASIAN so i must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm MIXED so i must be screwed up.

I'm MUSLIM so i MUST be a terrorist.

I'm in BAND, so i MUST be a dork.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.

I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.

I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.

I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie Hollister.

I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naïve.

I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.

I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon.

I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.

I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.

I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.

I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.

I don't like the SUN so I MUST be albino

I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.

I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.

I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.

I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.

I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.

I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.

I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.

I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.

My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.

I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.

I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.

I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.

I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE, So I MUST be a whore myself.

I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse.

I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist.

I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I Must be homosexual.

I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.

I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.

I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.

I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.

I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.

I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.

I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep.

I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.

I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.

I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.

I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.

I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.

I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.

I'm ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!.

I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. (I want to be, though)

I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.

I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE

I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.

I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy .

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.

I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.

I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.

I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan.

I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.

I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.

I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see."

I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.

I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.

I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.

I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.

My friends say I look like a WITCH, so I MUST be an OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.

I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED.

I DON'T CURSE (in English), so I MUST be an outcast.

I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish.

I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.

I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.

I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.

I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s.

I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.

I’m GAY so I MUST be after EVERY straight guy around.

I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.

I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.

I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.

I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.

I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have no clue.

I hang out with BOYS, so I MUST be a tomboy

I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be head over heels in love with someone

I ROW FOR MY SCHOOL, so I MUST be some weird homosexual who wears spandex

I hang out with the WEIRD people, so I MUST be weird.

I STILL LIKE TO WATCH CARTOONS so I MUST be immature

Stereotypes I fit under are bolded, so if you hate stereotypes and want people to shut up, put this on your own profile and make it known how stupid stereotypes are!

[venus-strikes-again]

I hate Labels

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun. I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed. I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat. I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy. I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell. I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy. I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants. I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem. I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store. I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage. I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid and stuck up. I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut. I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob. I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo. I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend. I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars. I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut. I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandal I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST! I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life. I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention. I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be going out with them all. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer. I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser. I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll. I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi. I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT. I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent. I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy. I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid. I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat. I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly. I'm a SKATER so I MUST do weed and steal stuff I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7 I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals. I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up. I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork. I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty. I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control. I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister. I'm on a DANCE team, so I MUST be stupid and stuck up. I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border. I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich. I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino. I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party. I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too. I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't. I DON'T LIKE to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social. I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy. I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch. My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills. I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch. I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs. I READ COMICS, so I MUST be a loser. I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak. I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker. I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled. I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak. I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant. I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo. I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent. I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend. I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers. I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare. I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid. I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE. I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and A MURDERER! I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.

I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future. I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue. I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian. I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE. I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER. I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED. I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST. I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST. I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean. I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid. I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos. I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting. I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak. I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life. I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp. I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems I don't HAVE MANY FRIENDS, so I MUST be antisocial. I have a guy best friend, so I MUST be going out with him. I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash

I SUCK MY OWN BLOOD FROM WOUNDS, so I MUST have a vampire fetish. I'm a good actor/actress, so I MUST be a liar. I'm a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone's ass. I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant. I'm a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict. I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian. I'm a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie. I'm INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs. I'm a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life. I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd or suck-up. I have GREEN SKIN, so I MUST be a wicked witch. I'm DIFFERENT, so I MUST just want attention. I'm an ACTOR/ACTRESS, so I MUST be mean. I'm AMERICAN, so I MUST be an overweight pig with no boundaries I'm a GIRL, so I MUST suck at all guy sports I like CATS, so I MUST dance like a cat in my spare time. I SPEAK GERMAN, so I MUST be a psycho Nazi I WEAR GLASSES and RETAINERS, so I MUST be a nerd I'm HALF ASIAN HALF BRITISH, so I MUST be short I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST be rebellious I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals I'm a DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people. I HAVE a BIG FAMILY siblings, so WE MUST be financially challenged I'm ALWAYS SMILING AND LAUGHING, so I MUST have a great life. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention I COPIED AND PASTED THIS INTO MY PROFILE, so I MUST be a plagiarist. I FROWN a lot, so I MUST have a bad life I get BAD GRADES, so I MUST be a slacker who doesn't try I'm a JEW, so I MUST hate all Germans I like to listen to HANNAH MONTANA, so I MUST be childish and immature I am POLITE to TEACHERS, so I MUST be a teacher's pet. I don't have a SOCIAL LABEL, so I MUST just be emo. I like COUNTRY music, so I MUST be a redneck hick. I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect. I love SHOPPING so I MUST be rich I like to READ, so I MUST be a nerd

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

[obtusemedia]

In Ascending Order: Top 35 One Hit Wonders

For the most part, giant megastars seem to rule the pop universe, from Michael Jackson and Madonna in the 80s to Beyoncé and Taylor Swift today. There’s always been a B-List group too, full of semi-big names that cranked out hits, yet never had the longevity or the stand-out personality to become towering icons (modern-day equivalents of this group would be Alessia Cara, Demi Lovato, or Big Sean). 

Every era of pop has had its transcendent figures and workmanlike hitmakers, even the weaker time periods. What really makes a certain era of pop great is the fluke hits from fringe acts that faded away or suddenly disappeared. One-hit-wonders often get a bad rap, but some of our favorite all-time songs have been from no-name acts. There are even some one-hit-wonders that have had longer staying power than hit songs from A-listers.

For example: R&B legend Mariah Carey has notched 18 number-one songs on the Billboard Hot 100, and one of them was “Love Takes Time,” which topped the charts for three weeks in 1990. I’ve never heard it in my life (I’m just going to make an assumption that unless you or someone you know is a big Mariah fan, you probably haven’t either), yet some goofy early 90s novelty song by a band who never had another U.S. hit, is still instantly recognizable, quotable and...well, beloved might not be the word, but it’s certainly had a long shelf life. (Ed. note: I wrote this before Taylor Swift semi-sampled it, but now this is doubly true)

To honor these brief flashes of brilliance, I’m counting down my 35 personal favorite one-hit-wonders of all time. Fair warning: it’s heavily weighted towards the mid-80s, early-90s, and late-90s, all great times for silly bubblegum, which lend themselves well to one-hit-wonders.

A few base rules, because defining a “one-hit-wonder” can be tricky:

1) The Mike Posner Rule: No songs on this list released in the 2010s. Sure, ILoveMakonnen and Gotye are looking like one-hit-wonders now, but who would’ve thought that dork who released “Cooler Than Me” back in 2010 would have an even bigger hit (about being a one-hit-wonder, of course) in 2016? You gotta give these artists some time to potentially get another hit. Also, I refuse to acknowledge that my queen, Carly Rae Jepsen, is technically still a one-hit-wonder, because she is a pop genius. Listen to EMOTION.

2) The Jimi Hendrix Rule: Technically, some legendary acts, like Jimi Hendrix, Modest Mouse or Talking Heads have only had one major hit on the charts. Still, their impact stretches beyond the Hot 100, so they can’t count, as well as other legends who had bad luck getting radio airplay. 

3) The Britpop Rule: If they’re considered music gods in England, but only got one American hit, they don’t count. I refuse to penalize Blur or Oasis because Americans had bad taste in the mid-90s and didn’t give them more hits over here. FYI: This rule doesn’t count with non-UK countries, so being only big in Australia or Canada or the Vatican City is fair game. Sorry folks, England’s music scene, at least for the English-speaking world, is on a higher level.

4) The Macarena Rule: This list is based on quality, not how big the song was. If there’s a massive one-hit-wonder missing (like the Macarena), that’s because it’s probably tacky and I hate it (or it’s just okay).

5) The Justice Stewart Rule: When categorization gets tricky — does an artist’s second single that reaches 19 on the charts but is now forgotten count as a “hit?” — I’ll just resort to this: I know a one-hit-wonder when I see it. 

Let’s dig in.

Honorable Mentions:

“Maniac” by Michael Sembello (1983): Flashdance is wonderful. This song is wonderful. 80s soundtracks were wonderful. 

“MMMBop” by Hanson (1997): Those harmonies are weirdly gorgeous for a band that wound up being America’s warm-up for the Jonas Brothers.

“Unbelievable” by EMF (1990): Top-five jock jam ever. 

“It Takes Two” by Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock (1988): It probably should’ve been 3 instead of 5 minutes long, but that production is golden age hip-hop at its finest.

“Stuck In The Middle With You” by Stealers Wheel (1973): Catchy Bob Dylan ripoff with a nice little groove. Although I’m sure most of you non-Boomers probably just recognize it from Reservoir Dogs.

#35: “What’s Up?” by 4 Non Blondes (1993)

One of the more ridiculous songs on this list (and that’s saying something), and probably the most shameless song of the grunge era, “What’s Up?” is thought of as a bit of a joke. Huffington Post even called it the “worst song of the 90s,” which is insane to me considering what else came out that decade.

Besides, how bad can “What’s Up?” really be? Maybe it’s my awful taste speaking, but this kind of bangs in a super, super cheesy power-ballad sort of way. It’s like if Bon Jovi was told to write a bohemian version of one of their monster 80s hits. It’s also a perfect choice for karaoke: showy, theatrical, and emotional as hell. 

I get how 4 Non Blondes’ pseudo-granola vibe could make some people want to claw their ears off, but I can’t help it. It’s a guilty pleasure, and most of the best one-hit-wonders are.

And don’t forget: without “What’s Up?” we wouldn’t have this wonderfully silly early-YouTube gem.

#34: “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba (1997)

DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK UNLESS YOU WANT THIS STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOR THE NEXT EIGHT MONTHS. 

“Tubthumping” basically serves as the last hurrah for Britpop: Pint-pounding English bluster with a snarky undertone, all rolled into one perfect little pop-rock nugget. Of course, Chumbawamba were actually radical anarchists, so they’d probably hate being compared to Supergrass and Suede, but still: This sounds like a dancier, simplified Oasis tune.

I’m a bit shocked at how something this nakedly British became a deathless classic in the U.S., but then I hear it, and I start yelling along to the chorus, and it all makes sense. There was no way something this maddeningly catchy and fun wouldn’t be massive, especially in the very-random late 90s. It’s a bit more subversive than your average jock jam, but in a way, that makes it even better. 

#33: “Word Up!” by Cameo (1986)

I’m not sure there’s a more criminally underrated 80s funk jam. Prince himself would’ve killed to write something with this slick of a robot groove. 

Of course, the super-catchy production and hook don’t carry the song alone: I absolutely adore singer Larry Blackmon’s nasally voice here. It sounds like he’s singing with his nose plugged, and it totally matches the ridiculous party vibe “Word Up!” is going for. Also, in the video, he wears a massive bright red codpiece. I can’t not give props for that. 

Don’t forget: LeVar Burton, star of Reading Rainbow, Roots, and that really great Community episode (“YOU CAN’T DISAPPOINT A PICTURE!!”) has a...wait for it...cameo.

I’m just saying, at your next wedding reception, maybe pass over the super-basic picks like the Cha-Cha Slide and throw on “Word Up!” instead. Trust me, it’ll get people moving.

#32: “My Sharona” by The Knack (1979)

When you look up “power pop” in the dictionary, there’s a 70 percent chance “My Sharona” will be the definition (30 percent chance it’s Cheap Trick). “My Sharona” is one of the most primal, timeless pop-rock tunes in history, with it’s super-simple riff and catchy-as-hell hook. Just maybe don’t listen to closely to the lyrics; they’re definitely about jailbait. 

Still, even with a semi-creepy story behind it, “My Sharona” has maintained as a 70s classic rock staple for a very good reason: It seems like it’s existed since the beginning of time. Also, points for a kick-ass guitar solo.

#31: “Return of the Mack” by Mark Morrison (1996)

The pinnacle of smooth-as-hell 90s R&B. Somehow, English singer Mark Morrison makes getting dumped and subsequently moping around sound like the coolest thing ever. The lyrics are straight out of an emo song, but Morrison’s Kermit the Frog-as-mafia-don vocals sound as assured as ever, and the production is made for slo-mo cruising down the street. Are we sure this guy is from the UK, and not New York?

No matter where it originated, “Return of the Mack” remains effortlessly suave over 20 years later, something that most songs on this list can’t claim. 

(Also, it inspired this really goofy Burger King ad, another thing most songs on this list can’t claim.)

#30: “Missing You” by John Waite (1984)

You know how there’s always that scene in 80s high school movies where the protagonist mopes around after he/she’s been in a fight with their crush? There’s always a super dramatic song playing in the background playing? I’m not sure “Missing You” has been used in that context, but it’s somehow the archetype anyways.

John Waite, who was also the lead singer of semi-successful bands The Babys and Bad English (so this is semi-cheating, but nobody in my generation remembers those bands, so I’m counting it), really sells this song about denial. Waite claims “he’s not missing you,” but you can tell that’s a bold-faced lie. In fact, he even admits this: “I can lie to myself” is repeated multiple times throughout the song. It’s fairly heartbreaking.

Sure, “Missing You” is a bit less silly than most one-hit-wonders, but sometimes, a serious artist only gets one hit, and Waite made the most of it.

#29: “Beds Are Burning” by Midnight Oil (1987)

In the middle of a list filled with a lot of supremely goofy songs, “Beds are Burning” is as deadly serious as lead singer Paul Garrett’s super-intimidating The Hills Have Eyes face.

“Beds Are Burning” is bluntly about Australia’s horrific mistreatment of Aborigines. The song repeatedly tells the listener, “It belongs to them/let’s give it back,” in reference to the land that the indigenous Australians were forced off of their land in the 1930s, 50s, and 60s. In other words, white Australians’ beds are burning because of severe guilt due to their mistreatment of aborigines. Heavy stuff for a catchy 80s pop-rock tune.

Still, “Beds Are Burning” features more than just an important message: It has a slinky cowboy groove, haunting vocals from Garrett, and a U2-esque anthemic chorus. Even if you don’t know what the song is about (which I didn’t at first), it’s still a masterful 80s alt-rock tune through and through. The lyrics just add another layer of brilliance.

Frankly, Midnight Oil might not deserve to be on this list, as they’re legends in their native Australia, but since the rest of the world knows very little of their music, we might as well celebrate their one worldwide smash.

#28: “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers (1988)

How about something a little lighter? Well, you can’t get much more light-hearted than this proudly cheesy love song from the two most Scottish men alive. 

“500 Miles” is incredibly simple, but that’s a huge part of its power. This is the perfect song to lead the bar in a sing-along after a few drinks. Like “My Sharona,” it feels weirdly timeless. Can you imagine a world without this song? Without “I WOULD WHALK FIVE-HUNDRED MYLES AND I WOULD WHALK FIVE-HUNDRED MORE” blaring in your eardrums, super-thick Edinburgh accents and all? No, you can’t. “500 Miles” is an adorably innocent love song that’s absolutely deserving of its long shelf life and How I Met Your Mother references.

#27: “Tenderness” by General Public (1984)

This is a textbook one-hit-wonder: 80s new wave? Check! British? Check! Lead singer with a unique voice? Check! Way quirkier than your average Madonna single? Absolutely!

“Tenderness” wasn’t a massive hit at the time (27 on the Billboard Hot 100), but it’s achieved longevity through the same avenue that a lot of songs on this list have remained relevant: Being in beloved movies! In this case, Weird Science and especially Clueless, everyone’s favorite movie where step-siblings fall in love (yes, it’s still weird, I don’t care how hot Paul Rudd was).

Semi-incest aside, “Tenderness” is certainly one of the weirder 80s pop tunes around, which is saying something. The jangly-guitar and synth groove is almost reminiscent of New Order, or R.E.M. in the early 80s, but what really makes the song memorable is lead singer Dave Wakeling’s intense desire to find tenderness. He sounds legitimately panicked during the chorus: “WHERE IS IT?!?” That goofball weirdo charm is likely what’s helped “Tenderness” stick in people’s brains over 30 years later.

#26: “St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion)” by John Parr (1985)

Alright, the competition is over. We’ve found it: the most 80s song ever recorded. 

“St. Elmo’s Fire” has a bit of everything: Massive hair-metal guitars! Drum machines! Overproduced synth lines! A fake keyboard brass section! And to top it all off, John Parr himself, who sings the cheesiest possible faux-inspirational lines with utmost sincerity and in all-caps. “You broke the boy in me/BUT YOU WON’T BREAK THE MAN!!” “Take me where the eagles fly/HIGHER AND HIGHER!!”

I’m dumbfounded how this super-intense pump-up jam wound up on the Brat Pack, talk-heavy drama of the same name. If anything, it sounds super-similar to most of the Rocky IV soundtrack, particularly John Cafferty’s runner-up entry in the “Most 80s song ever” sweepstakes, “Hearts On Fire.” It also bears more than a passing resemblance to fellow 80s-montage classic “You’re the Best Around.”

You know what all three of those songs have in common? They’re all supremely corny, dated, and absolutely perfect. “St. Elmo’s Fire” might be the best of the bunch, with Parr’s thunderous vocals perfectly complimenting the skyscraper-sized production. Sylvester Stallone must be kicking himself for not hiring Parr for Rocky V.

#25: “Jump” by Kris Kross (1992)

Generally, in the music world, prepubescent artists are bad news, but there are two major exceptions. One of those is (duh) the Jackson 5. The other? 14- and 13-year-old Atlanta rap duo Kris Kross and their timeless classic, “Jump.”

Sure, it’s a little awkward that two kids who are barely old enough to start staying up past 9 p.m. repeatedly call themselves pimps (what did you think a “mack daddy” was?), but the awkwardness is endearing. It also helps that Jermaine Dupri’s beat goes HARD. This is arguably better production than anything that other pop-rap stars of the time like MC Hammer or Will Smith got, and these two kids have enough charisma and decent flow to make it work. 

Sure, “Jump” is the Kidz Bop version of The Chronic, but let’s not pretend it isn’t a total banger.

#24: “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone (1982)

This is a pitch-perfect bar-rock song. The lead singer isn’t that great, the chords are simple, but damnit, it works. Lead singer Tommy Heath’s limited vocals add to the pathetic everyman angle of the lyrics. 

I’m sure you know the story by now: A lonely guy finds the mythical phone number scribbled on the wall of a bar bathroom, and contemplates whether to call. It’s kinda sleazy, but also kind of creepy, considering how the singer sounds in love with a woman he’s never met (luckily, it’s a fairly self-aware song). 

“867-5309″ is just a no-bull, timeless power pop jam that should never go out of style as long as there’s shy guys who don’t know how to pick up the phone. 

P.S.: You haven’t truly lived unless you’ve tried calling the famous number. Unfortunately, the number doesn’t exist anymore in my area code, but you might get lucky.

#23: “In the Meantime” by Spacehog (1996)

I don’t know if this is embarrassing or not, but I only know this song because of Rock Band. To be fair, I’m willing to bet a lot of late Millennials like me discovered some of the forgotten hits of the 70s, 80s, and 90s through that game and Guitar Hero, so it’s probably not a huge faux pas.

Regardless, I’m so very happy Rock Band introduced me to the glam rock majesty of “In the Meantime.” In the mid-90s, where most rock music was either super-angsty, super-rootsy, or super-British, Superhog opted for a fourth route. Although the group’s members were all from the UK, their sound skewed less towards Britpop’s mod-era worship and landed closer to Ziggy Stardust-era Bowie. And they pulled it off big time: The Thin White Duke would be proud of a bonkers space opera like this.

It’s too bad Spacehog weren’t able to pull another cosmically stellar track like “In The Meantime,” with its crunchy guitars, soaring chorus, and sci-fi lyrics. 1996 America was more interested in Matchbox 20, I guess.

#22: “Video Killed The Radio Star” by The Buggles (1979)

This song both predicted and created the idea of the 1980s. As the very first song ever played on MTV, it was never a massive hit, only reaching 40 on the Hot 100, but it still is an iconic snapshot of when new wave reached the mainstream. It’s still well-known and referenced nearly four decades years later. It even was the main sample in a Will.i.am song (which was sort of a disaster, but also sort of wonderful).

Of course, it helps that the song is a perfect tune. The clash of the processed, robotic male vocals and the valley-girl female singers really created a unique sound that sounded both of the future and somehow retro at the same time. Although it does sound very dated, it’s the best kind of dated that sound continue to be a staple at 80s-parties as long as Gen X is around and kicking.

#21: “Closing Time” by Semisonic (1998)

There are few 90s anthems as perfect as “Closing Time.” It’s the best-possible version of the late 90s’ watered-down alt-rock. Yeah, it has zero edge, but that’s kind of expected: Semisonic were already all in their 30s before they finally notched a hit. Also, the song is about becoming a parent (the metaphor being that the womb is like a bar, and closing time would be...labor? Something like that), so it was never going sound like Nine Inch Nails.

That clever metaphor, coupled with singer/songwriter Dan Wilson’s arena-ready chorus and everyman vocals, makes “Closing Time” a perfect representation of alt-rock’s graceful aging into dad-rock (literally, in this case). It only makes sense that Semisonic released other fantastic pop-rock nuggets in the late 90s, none of which reached the heights of “Closing Time,” unfortunately.

Don’t feel too bad for Wilson, though: As a songwriter, he’s co-penned some tunes you might have heard of (okay, not the last one). He’s doing just fine.

#20: “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell (1981)

“Tainted Love” joins the ranks of “All Along The Watchtower” or “Hurt” as a song where the cover is the more famous version. Gloria Jones actually song the original version of the song back in 1964, and it featured a much fuller soul sound. It’s not bad, but think about this: The lyrics paint the picture of a person being tortured by an emotionally abusive partner. Wouldn’t cold, robotic synths match the mood a bit better than a sunny Motown vibe? 

Besides, Soft Cell’s new wave sound would work well with nearly any song they put their minds to. It’s tense, paranoid, and catchy as hell. “Tainted Love” is one of those songs ubiquitous with the early 80s for a good reason, and it doesn’t even need to resort to weird antics like so many other new wave hits of that era to grab your attention. The timelessly angsty melody and lyrics were already there, Soft Cell just provided a more appropriate and memorable framing. 

#19: “American Boy” by Estelle feat. Kanye West (2008)

“American Boy” is the audio equivalent of a first-class cross-Atlantic flight. It’s a perfectly smooth trip, from the mechanical, sleek electropop production (from will.i.am, of all people) to Estelle’s assured vocals. 

Honestly, this song was a genius idea: There was already an “American Girl,” why not flip the gender and turn the story into an international romance? Estelle perfectly slides into the role as the curious British outsider, while Kanye...well, if being American is to be brash, you don’t more brash than Yeezy. The Louis Vuitton Don’s verse tiptoes the line between corny and funny perfectly, as per usual for Kanye. 

Estelle, with her smooth vocals, is who really makes “American Boy” shine, however. The superstar guest verse is just extra whipped cream on the already-fantastic cake. 

#18: “The Impression That I Get” by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones (1997)

The late 90s really seemed like a happy-go-lucky time. It was pre-9/11, the economy was healthy, and the SuperSonics were one of the best teams in basketball (and still, you know, still existed). Another factor might be the silly, super-positive pop music of the era. After six or seven years of this, it made sense that pop radio would eventually flip to Sugar Ray and Smashmouth by the end of the decade. It’s hard to stay angsty forever.

“The Impression That I Get” fuses the time period’s carelessly cheerful attitude — the lyrics are all about how lucky the lead singer is — with another late 90s hallmark: ska! Yeah, the genre is sort of a joke now, but looking back, those songs were fun and fairly harmless. “Impression” might be the best of the bunch, thanks to lead singer Dicky Barrett’s nearly-metal growl, adding a bit of an edge to the otherwise-bouncy song. And speaking of bouncy: “Impression” is just a lot of fun. The chorus is built for group sing-alongs, the horn section and ska guitars are lively and danceable. 

Sure, it REEKS of its time period, but who said being dated is a bad thing when it comes to pop?

#17: “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)” by Dead or Alive (1984)

Is this song even real? Is this band even real?! Dead or Alive, and especially their Boy George-on-ecstasy lead singer Pete Burns, almost felt like a caricature of an 80s one-hit-wonder. They’re essentially a more tasteless version of the fake band from that one Hugh Grant rom-com.

But yes, “You Spin Me Round” is very, very real, and thank god for that. Even with how insane the 80s were, there weren’t many hits that dared to be as in-your-face and aggressive as this one. It’s like Flock of Seagulls or Duran Duran cranked up to 11. Burns’ vocals are unbelievably vampy and fun, while the pulsing hi-NRG production leaves the listener with no room to breathe. It even sounds like a rotating record! 

“You Spin Me Round” will always be fondly remembered as one of the great 80s pop hits, because Dead or Alive didn’t half-ass anything. They took what would be a boilerplate synthpop tune and took it balls-to-the-wall. Kudos. 

And shame on Flo Rida for neutering it.

#16: “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry (1976)

Ah yes, everybody’s favorite song about selling out (either that, or Reel Big Fish’s more overt 90s ska classic).

A song about a rock band making *gasp* a disco song and somehow combining the two genres had to live up to its premise, and man, “Play That Funky Music” more than meets that standard. It’s got a funky, Nile Rodgers-worthy groove and a catchy pop chorus, all without without sacrificing that sweet rock edge (peep the electrifying guitar solo). 

Sure, other classic rock acts tried their hands at disco later in the 70s, and some even turned out pretty great. But the original will always be special.

#15: “Shake It” by Metro Station (2008)

Alright, alright, you got me. This one is in the top half because of pure nostalgia (in 8th grade, this song was the coolest, trust me). “Shake It” might be the most late-00s song ever written, but who said that’s a bad thing?

This song is great for really simple reasons — monster guitar groove + synth riffs + vaguely emo vocals + mindlessly fun lyrics = late-aughts perfection — so here’s a fun fact for y’all. The lead singer, the one with 80 bajillion tattoos? Yeah, that’s Miley Cyrus’ older brother. I’m not kidding. Wonder how it must feel to only have one hit while your sister becomes a massive international superstar...

Anyways, “Shake It” is one of the best songs 2008 had to offer, and even if you don’t have fond memories of dancing to it at junior high summer camps, it still kills.

#14: “Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger (1997)

As I mentioned earlier, by 1997, edgier alt-rock was quickly being replaced by sunnier, goofier pop. Still, just like how The Verve gave Britpop one last hit that same year with “Bittersweet Symphony,” (that song won’t be on the list, by the way...the Britpop rule applies), Seattle gave the world one last blast of angst with “Flagpole Sitta.”

Harvey Danger’s single hit is a sarcastic and paranoid condemnation of late 90s cheeriness. Lead singer Sean Nelson (that’s the guy who looks like Seth Rogen) rails against trends, mindless pop and the death of the punk scene. What really makes “Flagpole Sitta” work, however, isn’t its righteous indignation, but rather its passionate, yell-y chorus. You can now fight the man at the karaoke bar or on road trips as easily as you can sing along to 80s soundtrack hits!

“Flagpole Sitta” might have shown open contempt for the late 90s pop scene, but its spiked bubblegum chorus helped Harvey Danger’s bitter attitude go down a bit easier.

#13: “99 Luftballons” by Nena (1983)

Everybody loves a wacky foreign-language hit! “Rock Me Amadeus” and “Gangnam Style” are firmly planted in our consciousness, and “99 Luftballons” occupies a similar space.

Of course, there’s one big difference between “Luftballons” and the other major German-sung hit of the 80s, “Amadeus”: Nena’s subject matter is as far from wacky as you can get. It’s about everybody’s favorite topic, nuclear war! Yeah, the song tells a story about East Germans mistaking 99 balloons for enemy aircrafts, so they blow them up, triggering a 99-year war and a nuclear winter. Good times!

Still, even if you don’t know the song’s meaning (which most Americans don’t), “Luftballons” still has plenty to offer. Mainly that it’s a total JAM. That synth riff is so beautifully 80s I could cry. Nena definitely has some rock swagger in her vocals, and each snare drum hit sounds like a firecracker. It was destined to be a hit regardless of subject matter or language barrier.

#12: “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday (1985)

Aimee Mann has become something of a Gen X cult favorite since her debut as the lead singer and bassist for 80s one-hit-wonder ‘Til Tuesday. In fact, she even notched an Oscar nomination! Still, in my opinion, she’s never topped “Voices Carry,” the song that put her on the map.

First, the lyrics. Mann paints a vivid picture (helped by the excellent music video) of a woman who’s forced to hold back her personality because of her controlling yuppie boyfriend. The edgy artist vs. bougie WASP isn’t a new battle, but rarely do you see those two stereotypes in a relationship, working out their differences (except in Pretty in Pink, I guess). The story is heartbreaking regardless, even if it’s cliché by now.

Musically, “Voices Carry” works just as well. The tight new wave guitar rhythm is complimented well by the piercing synth stabs. Mann’s vocals switch on a dime from timid whispers during most of the song to full-on belting during the emotional third act.

I’m a little worried that this classic might not get as much attention as other, wackier 80s-one-hit wonders, but “Voices Carry” absolutely deserves the same love that Flock of Seagulls or a-ha gets.

#11: “Come On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners (1982)

If you don’t like this song, you’re a monster. Or you’re named Eileen and have gotten plenty of jokes because of it. You can get a pass if that’s the case.

Anyways, how could anyone hate “Come On Eileen?” It’s about keeping your chin up in the face of a bleak Thatcher-era UK economy and it has a timeless quality that helps it stick out among its early-80s counterparts. No synths to be found here, folks. Instead, you get Celtic fiddles and Kevin Rowland’s yelping, nearly unintelligible vocals.

“Eileen” just oozes with optimism. Rowland truly believes he and his titular girlfriend will break out of their dead-end industrial town and be happy someday, and his backing band is more than happy to provide some extra energy. What more could you want?

(Hot take: This wasn’t even Dexy’s best song. This was.)

#10: “You Get What You Give” by New Radicals (1998)

What would you get if a Smashing Pumpkins sound-alike made a heartland rock song about the evils of American consumerism? Well, you don’t have to wonder, that song exists. And it’s perfect.

On the surface, “You Get What You Give” is another sunny late 90s pop-rock song, with its bouncy pianos and uplifting chorus. A closer look at the lyrics dispels that notion: Lead singer Gregg Alexander is royally pissed-off at the one percent. He’s gonna smash a Mercedes. He condemns the corrupt health insurance and banking industries. Alexander even infamously took pot shots at 90s celebrities like Marilyn Manson and Hanson (probably the only time those two were grouped together). It’s pretty funny, honestly, to see a scrawny guy in a bucket hat tell a bunch of people he’ll “kick their ass(es) in.”

Hubris aside, “You Get What You Give” is a beautiful contradiction between furious lyrics and a sunny melody. Late 90s pop-rock was (almost) never better than this.

#9: “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” by The Darkness (2003)

Although the 2000s weren’t an amazing decade for one-hit-wonders (remember Mims or Jibbs? Yikes), there were a few exceptions. One of the big ones was The Darkness, who actually sounded much closer to 1978 than 2003. 

“I Believe In A Thing Called Love” is cock-rock at its most over-the-top and self-deprecating, and it’s a glory to behold. Lead singer Justin Hawkins’ falsetto could probably knock over a building. 

And those lyrics...I’d call them so-bad-they’re-good if it wasn’t obvious that they were intentionally ridiculous. Tie it all together with not one, not two, but THREE face-melting guitar solos (Hawkins even squeals “GUITAR!” before the second one...god this song is so wonderful), and you’ve got a recipe for the 21st century’s greatest 70s rock song. 

Also, in the video, the band fights off a giant space octopus by shooting lightning bolts out of their guitars. WHY WAS THIS BAND NOT BIGGER?!

#8: “Groove Is in the Heart” by Deee-Lite (feat. Q-Tip) (1990)

By 1990, the good part of the 80s was over, but the gangsta rap and grunge we associate today with the early 90s hadn’t really taken off yet. Most of the hits were nondescript, bland 80s leftovers. Of course, even a year this bad had some classics that snuck in, and one of those was the unstoppable “Groove Is in the Heart.”

Deee-Lite’s image might have screamed psychedelic 60s, and singer Lady Miss Kier’s old-school suave vocals certainly helped bring them a Mad Men-era vibe. But that beat? Early 90s techno at its finest. It’s both chaotic and controlled; tight yet loose. Funkadelic bassist Bootsy Collins lays down a smooth-as-hell bass line and some silly adlibs ( “dig!”), while Q-Tip, who would normally be the best part of any other song, is relegated to an okay guest verse. It’s not that the legendary MC is bad, it’s just that the rest of “Groove” is so perfect. 

Unlike other early 90s dance classics like “Pump Up The Jam” or “Gonna Make You Sweat,” “Groove” actually feels like a real song. Yeah, it kills on the dancefloor, but it doesn’t sound awkward and repetitive on the radio, thanks to actual verses, a top-notch rap feature and the myriad of wacky sound effects throughout (slide whistles! popping noises! that weird noise you make when you stick out your tongue!).

“Groove Is in the Heart” proved to be too pristine to top for Deee-Lite, but at least they taught us where the groove comes from.

#7: “Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne (2003) 

I have no clue how these guys managed to make lusting after your girlfriend’s relative somehow sound cutesy and not super weird, but “Stacy’s Mom” is a classic for a reason.

The reason? Well, first of all, Fountains of Wayne were nakedly trying to copy The Cars here, and they NAIL IT. There’s that new-wave guitar chug, the squiggly synths, the dorky-yet-somehow-cool vocal delivery, and it all culminates in a killer chorus that’ll be stuck in your head for days.

And although the plotline of the song sounds a little awkward on paper, it somehow works in the song. It probably helps that the protagonist is supposed to be a kid. At the end of the day, it’s more adorable than anything else. 

A cute concept, coupled with stellar production are what have kept “Stacy’s Mom” a classic even as Fountains of Wayne faded away.

#6: “Your Love” by The Outfield (1986)

Some songs just sound like they’ve existed since the beginning of time. “Your Love” is one of those songs.

How do I even describe what makes this song a classic? It should be apparent from the first listen: The frequently repeated chorus is soaring and instantly recognizable. The melody is both melancholic and romantic at the same time. 

The lyrics don’t even matter. It’s all about that hook. That perfect, untouchable hook. It should be displayed in museums. Hell, the whole song is a hook, let’s be real.

Maybe that’s what made “Your Love” stick around: There’s no bull, no gimmicks, just naked emotion and one of the catchiest choruses you’ll ever hear. 

#5: “I Melt With You” by Modern English (1982)

This might be the most nakedly romantic song on this list. There’s a reason this song has been overplayed to death in rom-coms and TV shows: it’s a beautifully flawed depiction of love.

Lead singer Robbie Grey’s vocals are almost monotone, which contrast perfectly with the lovelorn, almost Cure-esque lyrics. “I’ll stop the world and melt with you” might sound weird, but given to a trembling, awkward vocalist like Grey, it’s downright swoon-worthy. 

“I Melt With You” is prom slow dance 101, and it will live forever as long as there’s gawky teens to ask their crushes out.

#4: “California” by Phantom Planet (2002)

All apologies to 2Pac, The Mamas and the Papas, and Katy Perry (no apologies to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, because I hate them), but Phantom Planet’s “California” is the best song ever written about the Golden State.

Personal anecdote time: I lived in Southern California for four years. Most of the negative stereotypes of the L.A. area — the lack of seasons (Christmastime is especially weird), oppressive heat, plastic people, and that infamous traffic — are all spot on. Just a few months ago, I ditched the sunshine to return to the comforting Northwest drizzle, so believe me when I say that this song isn’t this high on the list because I think California is the happiest place on earth (that would be Disneyland, which is its own thing).

But for three minutes, “California” suddenly makes me miss the palm trees and sunburns. It makes L.A. sound like the goddamn promised land, where all your problems and stresses will go away. Everything will be okay once you reach California.

The chorus doesn’t just arrive, it EXPLODES with excitement and anticipation. The guitars and drum beat pound like a truck speeding down a mountain, and lead singer Alex Greenwald sounds like a man driven to insanity by his quest to return home. It’s one of the most cathartic choruses you’ll ever hear in pop.

So yes, the song most known for being the theme to The O.C. (which I’ve never seen, so there’s no bias from that standpoint) is one of the greatest one-hit-wonders of all time, and possibly the best song ever written about a state. Now I just want to visit Santa Monica again.

(Also, yes, that is comedian Jason Schwartzman on the drums. Obviously, he’s doing just fine.)

#3: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot (1992)

No, this is not a joke. Yes, “Baby Got Back,” one of the silliest rap hits of all time, is a legitimate classic. Don’t fight me on this.

I bet you can rap a decent portion of this song whether you know it or not. Hell, you probably even know the iconic intro by heart ( “Oh...my...gawd Becky. Look at her butt.”). That infamous opening line is a perfect thesis statement: Yes, Sir Mix-a-Lot does like big butts, and he cannot lie. And then he spends four minutes proving his devotion to women with big booties and how they don’t get enough respect. It’s something to behold.

Most hip-hop heads will dismiss “Baby Got Back” as being corny and not serious enough, but that’s the charm of the whole thing! Sure, Mix could probably have written a more serious tune about how black standards of beauty were being ignored by the fashion industry and how domestic violence is a despicable act (yes, he actually covers both topics in the big butts song), but why not sneak that message into a super catchy, funny song? 

I guarantee you, no backpack rapper ever came up with a line as wonderfully stupid as “My anaconda don’t want none/unless you got buns hon.” That line was so perfect that Nicki Minaj built an entire song around it (and its song’s stellar bassline) 22 years later. It was one of Nicki’s biggest hits. Coincidence? Hell no. And I haven’t even mentioned the super-energized Rick Rubin beat!

"Baby Got Back” isn’t the greatest rap song ever, but it’s easily the greatest hip-hop one-hit-wonder. Even white boys (like myself) have to shout that.

#2: “Take On Me” by a-ha (1984)

First off, take a few minutes to watch the music video. I know you’ve probably already seen it, but it’s the greatest non-Michael Jackson/Lady Gaga video of all time. Just watch it again. I’ll wait.

Honestly, it is hard to talk about “Take On Me” without bringing up its iconic video, but let’s give it a try. a-ha’s magnum opus doesn’t make a whole lot of sense lyrically, since the Norwegians didn’t know a ton of English — what on earth is “take on me” even supposed to mean? — but in a way, the language barrier makes it even more cute. It’s like the awkward French guy fumbling through an English conversation to try and impress his new American girlfriend.

Even with the odd lyrics, “Take On Me” has primo new wave production, with synths on top of synths on top of synths, all creating an infectious, danceable beat. And of course, when lead singer Morten Harket reaches that dog-whistle final note on the chorus, it’s a magical moment. God knows how many unfortunate karaoke singers tried and failed to hit that note. 

It might be a bit cliche to put “Take On Me” this high, seeing as it is one of the most, if not the most, famous one-hit-wonder of all time. But it deserves its enduring legacy. Even without the classic video, “Take On Me” would have stood the test of time based on quality alone. What could possibly top it? Well...

#1: “She Loves You” by The Beatles (1963)

You know, it’s really a shame that these four lads from Liverpool couldn’t string together another hit, because their primal, simple rock-n-roll certainly had potential. One wonders what could’ve been...

Kidding, of course. Here’s the real number one:

#1: “Steal My Sunshine” by Len (1999)

It was the end of the millennium. People began to worry about the end of the world. The pop music machine knew it might be their last year to crank out super-cheesy late 90s hits, so they gave us an embarrassment of riches. “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” “I Want It That Way.” “All Star.” The only prominent meme featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20. The only good Christina Aguilera song. It was a smorgasbord of songs that would all age badly, but they still remain wonderful nearly 20 years later.

One of the biggest hits of that year, however, didn’t come from giants like *NSYNC or Britney. It was by a crew of sleazy Canadians dressed like New Jersey guidos. That song was “Steal My Sunshine,” and it is the greatest one-hit-wonder of all time.

In fact, it’s more than the greatest one-hit-wonder ever: “Steal My Sunshine” is the greatest summer song ever. The juxtaposing guy-girl vocals, the bouncy production perfect for either the beach or cruising with your bros with the windows down, the lyrics literally describing a crazy summer afternoon...This song was tailor-made for sweltering July and August days.

Every year, Billboard tracks what the song of the summer is for those three months. It’s a pointless exercise: “Steal My Sunshine” is the song of the summer every year. Are you honestly going to tell me that 2016′s winner, “One Dance,” or 2000′s champion “Bent,” or god forbid, 1993′s “(I Can’t Help) Falling In Love With You” is more summery than Len’s ode to goofing off in the sun? Nope.

Sure, “Steal My Sunshine” is stupid, extremely dated (it might be the most 1999 thing ever recorded) and honestly kind of trashy. But aren’t those all qualities we love in our one-hit-wonders? Most beloved one-hit-wonders (with some exceptions, like “Beds Are Burning”) are silly, ridiculous time capsules, and that’s exactly how we like it. And few songs are are as ridiculous, silly or as much of a time capsule of a better place than Len’s “Steal My Sunshine.” Summer’s almost over, better listen to it while you can.