#i love the black but ed wears so much black that details are often lost

[ofmdee]

heady empty except for him 💖

[thoughtfullyyoungduck]

This is awkward

Summary: could u maybe do a reddie x daughter where she gets her period, but wants to hide it from richie and eddie bc they’re guys, so she steals richie’s phone and calls bev for help. but like as she goes over to bevs house (maybe they live close) richie and eddie think she’s missing or lost and they freak out? i just feel like that’s such a reddie situation lmao

warnings: period talks 

In retrospect, she really should have seen it coming. All the signs they taught you about in health class presented themselves full force, from having abdominal pain and a bloating stomach after eating a cracker, to using the bathroom more than she usually has to. 

Never the less, it remained a shock when she wakes up at five in the morning to searing throbbing in her lower abdomen that leaves her helplessly whriting. The clock strikes six am at the exact moment she groans, curling her body into a fetal position and covering her stomach with her arms.

She lays still for a while, tossing and turning in an effort to find a pose that won’t hurt, but nothing helps, and so she decides to go to the medicine cabinet and fish out medication to reduce the ache. In order to do that, she removes the heavy silk comforter off her body, and shivers as her temperature reduces from the added coldness that sticks in the room. It’s nearing summer time, so the sun is gleaming up every last detail of the room even at six o’clock, rendering the lightbulb hanging from the ceiling useless.

She gets up, and as soon as turns around to readjust the comforter out of the corner of her eye she spots a red blood stain, soaked into the covers of her one person bed. Ellie’s first instinct is, embracingly enough, to cry, the sight of blood leaving her squeamish and ready to do whatever it takes to get rid of it.

Her pain tolerance is high, but the second a blotch of blood presents itself anywhere near or on her, it needs to be removed point black.  

It clicks in her mind what this situation means and what the logical explanation is, but she’s still in a daze that allows her to calmly rip the covers of the bed an paddle downstairs to the washing area, carefully avoiding to touch the blood itself, free of any panic or discomfort, beside the continues stabbing sneers. Only after disposing of the covers in the washing machine and shutting it with a small click, she sobers up and worries.

Ellie grabs a towel of a mountain of dry-cleaned clothes that Richie was ordered to organize room by room but forgot after a last minute stand up show the night before and wraps it around her middle. The towel specifically is her favorite, colored blue with the animations of winx club printed upon it, as a child her favorite cartoon show, with her name embroider on the top thanks to her uncle Mike. A trait she copied from Richie was that she lost stuff so much that Eddie got sick of it and started writing her name on article of clothes and shoes so that if someone found it they returned it to the right person, and because at the time Mike was practicing embroidery, he sowed her name in the towel as a gift.

The edges of the towel are worn out and frayed, but the texture is soft to the touch and smells like sunscreen, in a way tied to a few of Ellie’s preferred treasured memories. It’s the only at hand though, and time is of the essence, and she wants to wants desperately to avoid any more blood spillage.

Scanning the floor while hurrying to a bathroom Ellie cautions that she stays upright and doesn’t hit her toe against the doorframe like she idioticly does time and time again. She reaches the bathroom she unlocks the door from its hinches and opens it soundlessly, her parents lost in dreamland a door over. She feels weirdly docile about the whole thing, not at all trembling or making rash decision like she foresaw whenever she thought of this moment. The bathroom door shuts behind her, and she silently awaits for any sound to emerge from Eddie and Richie’s bedroom, but none materialize, thankfully.

At that point, there’s not much she can do. The house is empty of anything remotely resembling pads, with Richie and Eddie not needing them and Ellie hadn’t required them so far either.

Having two fathers is a blessing that Ellie is magnificently proud of, and most of the time she forgets that core families usually exist of one father and a mother. Richie and Eddie fill up any void that a mom could possibly leave behind, and so she is often oblivious that her home situations isn’t ‘normal’. There is nothing that a mother adds that Richie and Eddie don’t provide her, but maybe this is the one exception.

Ellie learned about menstrual cycles and how to deal with them via sex ed in school, but at home not a word was ushered about this. Unintentional no doubt, since Richie took it upon himself to bring up as much cringe-worthy conversations to shy her away from trying anything stupid. She never brought the topic up, and it must have slipped from Richie and Eddie’s mind too.

She debates waking up Richie and Eddie to drive her to the store, but it’s too early for that, the sops opens at nine, and there honestly sounds nothing worse but rousing her fathers for something like a period.

Richie will joke, and Eddie will research the whole thing down to the smallest details to aid her with all the knowledge found on the internet, but what she would really benefit from is a girl simply explaining the whole thing to her.

The solution literally falls in her lap, as Ellie accidentally knocks over the parfum Beverly left behind last time she visited. Aunt Bev and uncle Ben live two streets away, in a giant modern home they fosters pets in, at the edge of a forest.

They reside there any time they aren’t on their boat travelling around the world, but with Beverly six months into her pregnancy, they swore to not go on any outings up to the birth of their very first child.

Both Ben and Bev work every weekday, but if Bev is home, she’ll be happy to help, Ellie is certain. She should call first, to let Bev know she was on her way and to ensure Bev won’t contact the police on her, a figure appearing out of the blue early morning might not present well. The only problem with that is that Ellie’s phone was dropped in the water of a bath, cracking the phone’s screen from the hard landing and drenching it in water, causing all the phone’s functions to give out.

Calling aunt Bev is only an option if Ellie locates a phone, and her best bet on that is her pops.

Richie obsesses over his phone, and while he says that’s not the case, Eddie humorously hid it once and it send Richie in such a frenzy he explored the whole house top to bottom and discarded any and all cabinets to locate it.

Eddie chides the overexercise usage and resorts to conking Richie over the head if he dares to divided his attention to it for over ten minutes, but it’s all in a loving way, Eddie wouldn’t ever dream of hurting Richie.

A compromise was formed, Richie promising to leave his phone unattended on the bedside table at the end of the bed, and Eddie dialing down his complaints. The phone can’t ramify it’s toxic radiation from that far, but it’s close enough that the alarm clock rouses them up if necessary.

Invading Richie and Eddie’s bedroom is a dangerous game to play at, Eddie’s hearing out of this world with precision and picking up on the smallest, barely there clamor, but assisted with a tad of luck, Ellie might be able to evade waking them. After all, she’d rather get caught sneaking in, than having to provide a valid reason she ought to shop.

------

The clock strikes eight a.m. when Richie stirs awake, the light streaming through the window in such a way it glistens directly in Richie eyes, and in order to avoid it he swivels around on his stomach. His arm covers Eddie side, snoring loudly right net to his ear. Huffing out a laugh, Richie retracts his arm to cover his eyes from the sun that maliciously demands him to wake.

Eddie sniffles, his hand lifting in search for Richie and sighing happily when his fingertips bump against Richie’s shoulder, tugging his arm back in position.

‘Too early’, he grumbles, smacking his lips to rid himself of his dry mouth and burying his head further into his pillow. Richie laughs, kissing his husbands bare shoulder and readjusting Richie’s shirt he’s wearing after.

Weekends are a synonymous with rest and sleep, but Richie starts the day bright and fresh anyway, cooking a giant breakfast with Ellie to lure Eddie out of bed under the guise of food.

It strikes Richie as odd that Ellie’s not up and about it yet, he strains to hear any movement in the house but he comes up empty.

���Aren’t you gonna make me breakfast, babe?’ Eddie asks his lips curled in a teasing smile, accustomed to their morning routine.

‘Sure thing Eds’, Richie says gooey, slobbering a kiss on the first part of Eddie he can reach, his temple, knowing that Eddie revolts the thought of kissing without brushing teeth first.

‘Wait I was kidding come back,’ Eddie whines, outstretching his arms to stop Richie from getting up but failing.

‘You’ll be so much happier when the food’s ready, trust me. I’m going to wake our munckin up too.’

He steps away from the bed, pulling his shirt, bunched up thanks to the wild gestures he performs in his sleep, down in the meanwhile and yawns so wide his jaw protests.

His limbs feel lose and relaxed of waking up not so soon ago, and they seem to be begging Richie to crawl back under the cover and cuddle with Eddie some more, but tour life stretched itself through all the aspects of Richie’s life these past months, and he really long for some time to spend with his daughter.

As he stumbles blindly, his hand scours the miniature table, but the only thing he can find are his glasses, neatly tucked away in what must have been Eddie’s doing after Richie zonked out.

At first he thinks he missed it, but then his glasses help him see clearly, and he notices that the phone is no longer there.

‘Hey, Eds?’

The only answer he receives is a grunt, muffled by the blankets Eddie hides under.

‘Did you hide my phone again?’ Richie asks, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Eddie shakes his head without looking up, napping on.

‘Huh’, Richie responds, deciding to let Eddie wake at his own terms. He probably ditched the phone somewhere and is drawing blank on where it could be, but it’ll be found again soon. With a deflated shrugs, Richie leaves the room to wake up his daughter, excited like a kid on Christmas to rope her into mischief.

Eddie huffs, forcing the blanket of off him and screwing his eyes open, scratching at a spot on his back that insistently itched all night.

Soon, Ellie will run in with coffee, with a meticulous steady head so none of it spills, and announce that breakfast is prepared. Some of it will be burned, other things will be so delicious Eddie will look forward to it every day of the week till he eats it again. Regardless of how good the food is, the most important thing is that it’s family time, and that no interruption or distractions occur but the laughter and unprovoqued leering both Richie, Ellie and Eddie gathered throughout the week.  

Eddie smiles contently, resting his eyes a tad longer and imagining the inviting warm smell flowing up from downstairs. What he gets instead is frantic running up the stairs, loud thuds that rattle the foundation and follow each other quickly, subsequently followed by the bedroom door ricocheting of it’s hinges.

The urgency behind it spooks Eddie, who scrambles out of bed before Richie manages to utter a word.

‘Ellie’s not here.’

----

‘Thank you for helping me aunt Bev’, Ellie reinforces Bev, who brought out mint tea and joined her on the sofa to watch tv.

The movie provided background noise to the conversation they previously held, Ellie a little intimidated otherwise.

‘Any time honey you know this.’

Bev smiles brightly enough that her pearl white teeth show, her hair in a braid swiped over her shoulder, she radiates happiness to a degree Ellie has never seen.

‘I love dad and pops, I do, but you know how they get’, Ellie grimaced, his hands twisting nervously in the hem of the shirt she wormed herself in on the way here. A laugh bubbles out of Bev, already nodding her head.

‘They mean well but yes. I’m glad you confided in me.’ On instinct, Ellie dropped her hand down to pet the soft fur of Ben and Bev’s dog, a lifelong companion to them but also to her. She swiped nothing but air, Ben took the dog on a walk in the park, leaving the two girls to discuss thing among themselves. It was sad she didn’t get a chance to say hi to them, but she figures she’ll visit again later.

‘I really should get going,’ Ellie starts, her hand enclosing the plastic bag filled with supplies Bev landed her gracefully. ‘Pops and I love arranging breakfast, so I should really get home before they wake up to me not hanging around the house.’

Bev blinked innocently, surprise grazing her features. ‘Well, it is nine am, will they not be awake yet?’

‘It’s not that late yet is it?’ Bev’s phone rings loudly, startling Ellie out of her stupor. Even from her angle on the phone, she deciphers her pops names before Bev announce that it’s Richie.

‘Oops’, Ellie mutters, grimacing as the severity of the situation begins to down on her. She’s in big trouble now. Accepting the call, Bev puts in on speaker, a hand apologetically stroking Ellie’s arm conveying that yes, Bev’s sorry, but Ellie might get killed today.

‘Beverly’, Eddie distraught voice shakes through the microphone. A sinking stone weighs Ellie down, flushed with guilt, she hadn’t thought she’d be here so long, she only counted a five minute drop by.

‘Do you know where Ellie is? She’s not in her room or in the backyard either.’ In the background something smashes to the floor, in addition to cursing that sounds more like roaring, and Richie running out.

‘I really think she snatched my cellphone. Maybe she called someone to pick her up?’

Bev attempts to capture their attention goes unheard, the bickering between Eddie and Richie hardly begun.

‘I fucking told you Richie, dump the goddamn phone so much.’

‘How the fuck is that my fault? It has nothing do with that’, Richie argues frustrate, it’s obvious from the way he snapped back at Eddie he is equally as overwrought as Eddie.

‘You’re right, it’s mine. I’ve pushed her away by being to hands on. I should have given her more freedom to do what she wanted and I-‘

‘Eddie no. I honestly don’t think there’s anyone less strict as you. You remember when she was ten and she asked for two ice creams in a row and you just gave them to her because we were on a vacation?’

‘Stop dad. Pop’s right, I’m not running away for fuck sake’, Ellie yells out eventually, frustrated by the conversations taking place.

‘Ellie?’ A chair is pushed back and screeches across the floor, intending on the floor Eddie hammered on about being careful on.

‘Stay where you are, we’re on our way.’ Richie grounds out, seizing hold of his jacket and racing to the car. The connection then severs and dead silence is left in its wake.

‘Good luck with that.’

----

Though Bev, Ben, Eddie and Richie live nearby, Ellie is shocked by the fast response as the car halts not fully parked, Eddie and Richie jumping out in pajama’s.

Bev opened the door, so they waltz right on it without regarding Bev, seizing Ellie in a close knit hug both Richie and Eddie participate in.

‘Don’t you ever, ever scare us like that again. You hear me?’ Richie threatens, his words crackling with relief that his daughter is fine.

‘I’m sorry, I won’t. I honestly thought I would be back before you knew it.’

‘Why are you here in the first place?’ The family remains close, Eddie’s hand holding Ellie’s forearm loosely.

A blush shoots up her cheeks, coloring them bright red at the question. 

‘Yeah about that, Is it not enough for me to promise to never do this again?‘

[valiancyvulnerability]

Body Image and Young People

This is a big topic that has so many layers to it. I have been trying to collect my thoughts the past few days in order to try to cover as much as I could, so I am going to do my best.

I want to begin by going into detail about my battle with my own body over the years, in detail, in order to create a clear image about what goes through someone’s brain that is struggling with severe confidence issues.

I never was a skinny kid, necessarily, but sports were never truly my scene. Throughout my last few years of elementary school and middle school, I was pudgier than most of the kids in my grade, but I was not an unhealthy weight by any means. That being said, as I mentioned, I didn’t play sports, so I was already a target for people that felt superior to me as someone who wasn’t athletic and was “heavier”. This was the stem of my self-confidence issues, but it didn’t get to its worst until I was in high school.

I became accustomed to swimming fully clothed at pool parties, wearing clothes that were oversized in order to cover any lines or bumps that I felt like were flaws on my frame. If that meant wearing sweaters and sweatpants in the summer, then that’s what I needed to do. 

When I turned sixteen, I wanted to change my whole image into someone I wasn’t (see past blog posts) and started working out excessively and cut my eating almost entirely in order to lose weight, and in my head, get people to like me. I got results both physically and socially and ended up losing about twenty-five pounds, so I persisted. I was so focused on how I was viewed by people, that I failed to acknowledge the issue at hand until February of 2020.

My anxiety was at its peak and when Covid-19 hit, I found myself alone and focusing on nothing else but what I was eating, what I looked like, and what number the scale flashed back at me. I substituted all my meals with a powder drink that satisfied me for a few hours, and then I would repeat. I lost about twenty pounds in a month. 

The way this situation is different, though, is that I wasn’t attempting weight loss in order to please others, it was a competition with myself, and it wasn’t a friendly one. I didn’t view it as what it truly was until I started passing out. One afternoon, I got ready to take prom pictures with my friends with a local photographer in my town. I went to go pick up my friends and got out of the car and they started speaking to me, but I could hear nothing--I blacked. I started sweating and couldn’t form my sentences properly. I would get up and walk to my bedroom when I felt it coming, and I would just wipe out completely. I knew it was an issue, but it was not enough to get me to stop what I had already started, because I wanted results. Anytime we would get carry-out or I would eat an actual meal, I would return to my room and tremble, thinking about every bite of food I had just consumed.

Although I am on a more nourishing and healthy track now, it is still a daily occurrence where I want to slap myself across the face for eating breakfast, for going out to dinner with my family, or for having a snack now and then. I have spent many a night, alone, driving around screaming and crying at nothing simply for feeling the way I do. It’s almost an addictive behavior that I didn’t want to acquire, but the truth is that I did, and I am doing my best to overcome the obsession that gets in the way of my everyday routine, and we are getting somewhere.

Enough about me, though. The reason I am writing this in the first place is because I have so much to say as it’s something I know I am still personally dealing with, and I know the majority of people my age are. If we are being honest, we all would change something about our body if we could. Whether it be that we want to lose weight, or gain it, we all have our personal battles. In today’s day and age, though, it’s a more toxic world regarding body image and perception. Here is why.

SOCIAL MEDIA

As of 2019, teenagers often spent up to nine hours on social media on a daily basis. The most toxic platforms for young people struggling with their body, in my opinion, would be Instagram and TikTok. Because most social media apps are programmed to spit out information and content that interests the user, the posts that are viewed are specific to each individual. 

With Instagram, especially, everyone aspires to be an “influencer”. They are skinny, tan, have clear skin, travel, eat power foods, and young people love that. The reality is, is that most of us don’t live perfect lives like that, but we truly wish we did, so we want to get as close as we can.

With this, diet culture is a very popular concept among those wanting to bring a change to their bodies. Although this has been something that has been advertised for years now, mainly for adults, the new wave of diets for adolescents is scary. Most of them are malnourishing and can do more damage than one would think. Often times, though, they are bizarre or unheard of, but seem simple enough for someone who wants fast results. Because of this, once again, it’s easy for both myself and people my age to get reeled in quickly into that idea.

(I don’t want parents reading this to think that this necessarily entails that social media needs to be taken from their teenagers, but it is something to be aware of. Social media is a great way to stay connected (especially now) and gives us a voice to do good and bring change, as well.)

THE SOCIAL FACTOR

Because this is an issue that most of the youth deals with, whether it be minor or major, it can become a competition without intending it to be. If my friends are losing weight, why aren’t I? If they’re doing this diet, then I need to. They feel better about themselves than I do. What am I doing wrong? 

If you find yourself feeling like this too often, and it gets to a point where it gets in the way of your relationships, then it’s a conversation to be had. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are competing with those you hold close to you, but you also shouldn’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells every time you are with them to not say the wrong thing. Find some common ground, and support each other at times of insecurity.

High school can be a terrible atmosphere for someone who feels like their weight isn’t ideal. Teenagers are quick to make mindless comments and insults about people’s appearance. Whether it comes from a place of low self-esteem themselves or not, it doesn’t justify it, and this can be a direct and harsh cause of body image problems.

THE MENTAL FACTOR

If someone struggles with general anxiety, depression, or another mental condition, having your body as an enemy can sometimes heighten the severity of the issue as a whole. It truly goes hand in hand. For me, my anxiety was at its worst when my eating habits were at its worst. I was focused on what I was eating, focused on what the scale read back to me, and in the rare moments I wasn’t fixed on that, it was worrying about other things happening in my life. Everything was just raised to a higher degree.

The two words I have been trying to avoid so far, “eating disorder”, is something that I would love to say is just a false or dramatic phrase, but the reality is is that it’s a demon, and a real one. With the world of social media, again, they’re often glorified to be an artsy aesthetic to be achieved. Eating disorders does not mean “just not eating”. It can be anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, body dysmorphia, and because there are so many forms, it’s not always going to be apparent just looking at a person. Often times it isn’t. That is something to keep in mind, because one of the most damaging things for someone struggling with an ED is making them feel like their issues aren’t valid because it’s not physically obvious to you, or that someone else is worse off in your eyes.

HEALING

The first step that has helped me, personally, is just becoming comfortable. I need to become comfortable with myself in the way I am now for me to appreciate any way my body looks in the future. If I’m unhappy with myself now, when am I ever going to be happy, regardless of the supposed improvements I’m making? It’s been a tricky thing for me to figure out, but I force myself to go to pool parties, I hang out around the house sometimes just wearing underwear, so I can become familiar and comfortable with seeing myself and my body so I can reach a point to where that’s normal. 

The next thing is to follow the steps that you know are going to be beneficial and healthy for you. If that means working out to gain muscle, to lose weight, or dieting, then do it, BUT do it in such a way that is going to be, again, beneficial. Don’t go to the extremes for quicker results, because you will end up falling down a hole that will be hard to climb out of.

Lastly, if you see fit, go to therapy! There’s a large stigma around therapy as it makes people think that those who go are insane or can’t function on their own, which is far from the truth. Think of it as more of a helping hand from someone who has a different view and has solutions that may be overall helpful. Reading this blog is simply just how I see things, and that goes for any post I make. I am not a professional. I am not an expert. I am an eighteen year-old that just wants to share his experiences in order to bring awareness. There are many great therapists out there, and there are several websites you can visit to find one that meets your needs specifically.

I am overjoyed to see that the modeling industry, for example, is heading in a more positive direction as far as inclusivity goes. Plus-size models, LGBTQ+, and people of color are booking shows, spreads, and can be seen on billboards. This is just the start, and the rest lies within everyone as people to stop shaming others for their appearance, because if we didn’t from the beginning, there would be no reason for anyone to feel uncomfortable in their own skin to begin with. Imagine a world free of judgment for a moment. Imagine how differently every single person on the planet would be living. It’s something to think about.

I want to reiterate--don’t be afraid to ask for help! It is a direct demonstration of strength, rather than weakness, to admit that you need an outside source to help you get through whatever battle you may be experiencing.

And as always, be kind to one another and stay safe out there!

[aiaranradnay]

the SOS

A/N: this is for @frickfracklesackles challenge which i was supposed to post like ages ago.. so sorry about that.

my prompt : “zombie apocalypse with quote   “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” ―  Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone”

pairing : Dean x Reader

word count : i don't really remember... its way above 500 *rolls eyes*

warnings : meh... idk. Its flangst ... and character death..? yea..

Beta-ed by the host of the challenge @frickfracklesackles thank you so much :)

feedback is very much appreciated even if its just a ‘fuck you’ ;)

Loud mullet rock blared through the speakers of the sleek, black car as the boys drove towards a town in the middle of nowhere. Sam was sitting shotgun, buried in the pile of research and maps.

This little town didn’t even exist on the maps, yet suddenly it was all over the news. Apparently they had launched a new video game – a real life-like experience with uncut gore, blood, and high end graphics. Now, that wasn’t a big deal; kids these days often pulled up a new stunt, got famous and made the town proud. The real deal started when the ‘life like experience’ turned into ‘real life’ itself. Things escalated from bad to worse and soon the boys were packing up for a road trip to this particular town. Dean was currently drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, his mind preoccupied by the SOS message he had received that morning and wondered if they would get there fast enough to save the sender. His foot subconsciously hit the gas, accelerating further.

They had been over the case files at least a hundred times by now, yet they were clueless. The few survivors they interviewed were a dead end, either too petrified or too awestruck by the events to give out sensible info. The SOS sender was now unavailable – this was terrible news. Dean sighed heavily, trying to convince himself that nothing was wrong. You were a highly experienced hunter. There was no way that you could’ve been outsmarted by some crap game. He smiled a bit, remembering your love for video games. You must have been real pissed about the case. By the end of day two, the only info they had managed to dig up was that the main theme of the game was a zombie apocalypse, the only goal being survival. The game was available in the town’s only cafeteria. It was a new place, built just a few months ago. All players were to sign in and provide some minimal details so that the game could program itself to the person’s liking. Each person that had played the game was convinced that they were out there for real. The first few to play, who were now dead, hadn’t survived the apocalypse in the game either. Over the days, people managed to complete the game, but now lived in the trauma. One even committed suicide, convinced that he had been bitten by a zombie and hence was a threat to the town. The boys had no clue about the creator – what new monster they were dealing with.

With the time running out, they were left with one choice... to simply wing it. Gearing up with the usual defence ammo, they set off to the café. One game of rock, paper, scissors later and Dean was walking to the game station in the café while Sam watched the perimeter for the troublemaker. Dean nervously sat to play, entering the details into the screen and waiting while the game loaded. A sudden shock wave coursed through his body and he found himself lying on the barren grounds of the game world. His green eyes wide with shock and alarm, he hurriedly pushed himself upright. Looking down on himself, he inspected his change of clothing; gone were the layers of flannel, replaced by survival gear, his usual handgun in a holster. He also carried a fully loaded machine gun, another two rounds of its ammo strapped to his belt. He hardly had time to admire them as the first horde of the dead men appeared. It was slow and foul. About a score of zombies – decaying, mutilated and gross looking, trudged towards him, their arms outstretched, a low rumbling growl of hunger echoing through the place when they spotted him. Dean knew that guns weren’t exactly the best weapon choice when it came to zombies, but it was definitely better than having nothing. He pressed the trigger, shooting a few right in the head, bringing them down. A few more of the undead joined in, their pace more hurried now. Dean backed off slowly, shooting down the newcomers that simply kept coming, before he turned and sprinted off, trying to find safer grounds.

He soon reached what looked like a cluster of abandoned buildings. Slipping into one of the rooms, he inhaled in wheezes as he calmed his racing heart. He needed a strategy. To face the zombies head on was plain suicide. From what the other surviving players had said, he had to trust ‘the girl’. “Find the Easter egg... she’ll help you win” they had said. He had no clue what that meant and wished you were around. He sighed, wondering why you’d sent the SOS... this case was totally your forte. A sudden whoosh of cold breeze broke his train of thought. His hand immediately found his gun, clicking off the safety catch, ready to fire. A soft ‘plink’ sounded from across the room. He raised his gun in the direction of the sound, steadily moving forward. The sound repeated - this time from the opposite end, and again from the other side. He soon was whipping his head around like a mad man, trying to find the true source of the sound. Was it the monster they were hunting? Suddenly, peals of laughter filled the air; high pitched and melodic causing Dean to freeze. No it couldn't be. He throat went dry with disbelief. That was exactly how you laughed.

Was he missing you that bad now?

"Oh my god! You should have seen your face. You looked spooked." Dean swung around to see you standing there at the corner, laughing your head off. Your hands rested on your hips, trying to hold yourself steady while you guffawed. Your words came out in a broken string of phrases, interrupted by hiccups of laughter. Dean simply stared at you. You still looked the same; your soft hair framing your face, your eyes shining even brighter with the tears of laughter, your lips parted as your gasped for breath. That whole look of pure happiness you had upon seeing him.... almost as if you'd never parted ways all those years ago, and yet, you were so translucent. It was all so surreal. "Y/N?" He reached out, his hand seeking you, wanting to be sure that you were real. Just as he touched your shoulder, you dissipated with a hiss. He withdrew his hand, cursing under his breath. "Dude! Don't do that. You're wearing iron you dumbass" he subconsciously twisted the ring on the his finger. You had gifted that to him two birthdays ago. You popped back on the other side of the room. "Y/N..." he started. “What is all this? Are you a - a - " You dismissed his question "I'll answer everything later Dean. First you gotta tell me. Do you know what you're hunting? Is Sam with you?" "Um yeah... He was, before I got sucked in here." He stated." And no... we don't know what we're dealing with." "Ah shit! I hoped you would figure it out. That's why I sent you the SOS message. Without knowing what the creature is, Sam's toast. We have to get it before it finds him... And the only way out of here is by finishing the game. Come on now... We got zombies to kill." You said while heading out, signaling him to follow. As the two of you hurried past a few buildings, you continued to tell him what you'd learnt. "It's a trickster...  An actual one this time. I’ve got a stake in my car. We just need to get outta here." You suddenly stopped and raised your hands, making a rusted truck go airborne and sent it flying towards the oncoming zombies. Dean joined in, shooting down as many as he could. You bashed a few zombies into each other. Blood and goo seemed to spray everywhere. Within no time, the two of you had reached your destination; a train station. “This is where it ends,” you said, turning to Dean. “You see that train there? That’s our ticket outta here... and it leaves in ten minutes. The problem however, is the horde of zombies that’ll be here in about two seconds. You gotta climb aboard and leave, I’ll hold them off. Hurry now!” you motioned, not looking at his face. Dean didn’t budge; instead he just loaded his guns and stood by your side. "I'm not leaving you here by yourself, sweetheart. We're gonna get out of this together." You gave a small nod before preparing yourself for the fight, reigning in all your power. This fight would need much more strength than usual; you'd probably even disintegrate due to the exertion. But that was a headache left for later. The first wave of the undead came at you, their pace surprisingly quick. You concentrated hard, making things fly into the nearest group of uglies. Dean tried his best to assist you, shooting clean headshots. The two of you made an excellent team, and together you were unstoppable. While you crushed them, Dean bashed their brains out with the hilt of the machine gun, the bullets emptied a long time before. The battle was almost won. Then, the ten minutes were up. Your attention was now divided, as you concentrated on holding the train in place, forcing it not to leave and fight the monsters at the same time. The strain was tearing you apart, and you were sure to snap in no time. If you lost control of this, you'd go wild and beastly and probably even kill Dean in your fit of insanity. Dean seemed to notice your exhaustion and took the lead. The two of you backed off towards the train as fast as you could while fighting. As you hopped onto the train you let go of the restrain, causing it to jerk ahead before gaining full momentum and thrusting you two out of the game world.

An hour later, the boys were in the café, cleaning up the mess. Between the two of them, the trickster stood no chance of survival. Dean had plunged the stake deep into its heart while Sam distracted it. You had stayed out of the scene, not wanting to startle Sam and throw him off his game. However, you had to face him at some point... and the opportunity presented itself when he came to rip the game lines off the power board. As his hands found the main cord, the air around him turned colder, and you shimmered into existence. His hands immediately found his gun, his eyes wide in shock. Dean hurried from across the room. "Sammy don't!" "Put the gun down, Sammy" you chimed, "I'm just here to talk." The boys had a million questions to ask, but one look from you shut them up. You then told them your story. You’d come here for the game, not really realizing that it was a potential case. You just heard the praise of the game and had popped up to try. Once in the game, you realized that something was terribly wrong. However, the only way out of the game was by playing it till the end. So you played. You were the first one to finish the game and come out victorious; the only player to have successfully defeated the game. Upon further investigation, you realized that the other players were dead and it was all some kind of twisted joke of a trickster. By then, the trickster had known who you were; he'd ambushed and killed you, just when you were calling the boys for backup. You’d chosen not to leave and tethered yourself to the game ever since; the gamers who played after that had your help in winning the game. The only reason you'd stuck around without turning into an angry damned spirit was because you expected the boys to come and had willed yourself to stay sane at least till then. Now that the case was done, it was your cue to leave. Dean seemed heartbroken; he was blaming himself for what had happened. Sam excused himself, knowing the two of you needed to talk. "Dean..." you started. "It’s not your fault, okay? I knew I was dying when I sent that SOS. stop blaming yourself, there's nothing you could've done.” he refused to meet your eye, his expression pained, his face looking way older with grief. When he finally looked at you, his eyes glistened with unshed tears of guilt. “Come on Deano! You gotta cheer up! The case is done!"

He sighed wearily. "So what’s next? You’re gonna die... for real. How is that supposed to be a happy thing?" "Dean! I'm going to another world altogether! I’m gonna experience an afterlife! How is that not fun and exciting?" He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “Only you can be crazy enough to be excited about dying.” he huffed. Your eyes sparkled with excitement. "To a well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure...” you smiled, "...and this is gonna be the biggest adventure of all time." Sam had returned by the time your conversation ended. "Thank you for coming, boys. You are the best family I’ve ever had. Burn the game, just in case. See you in a billion years... wish me luck." you smiled broadly, winking a goodbye. The whole room was filled with hues of orange and gold as your translucent frame lit up, and you found your salvation. The boys piled into the car, ready to leave, But Dean still seemed sombre. "You know what sucks, Sammy?" The younger one simply raised his eyebrow in question. "I never got the courage or the chance to tell her that I loved her."

Sam was rifting through your belongings, the ones that Dean had insisted they take after they failed to find your body. A packet of letters addressed to the boys fell on his lap. "Actually... Dean?" A lone letter sat in the younger Winchester's hand as he read through it. "I think she already knew it." He held up the letter for his brother to see. "Dear Dean,        By the time you get this, I'm pretty sure I'll be dead. But i do owe you an explanation, so here goes… The reason I left all those years ago was because I fell for you... and I knew you felt the same when I heard you talking to Sam. But we couldn't have been together. I have too many mistakes on my name...mistakes that could harm you. You are an amazing person and i am blessed to have had you in my life. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry Dean... I love you too. Yours forever, Y/N."

taglist : if you wanna be added, send me an ask... and if you wanna talk ping me :)

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[goodmorningawfulbye]

Prime numbers for Miel!!!

I had to look up a list of prime numbers because I only knew a couple XD

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?Like, official titles, nope! Her parents work for the government (well. worked.) but they’re commoners!. As for like, nickname-y titles, she gets called Golden Eagle sometimes because of her hair and sniper-y behavior on hunts (she likes to get up in trees). Even though eagles don’t really snipe. XD3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? She had a pretty good childhood, certainly better than some people she knew, but it wasn’t idyllic or anything. Her parents were busy people who just knew how to maximize their time with her when they could.Good memory: the time she and her parents (and her cousin) went on an architecture tour. Looking at all the buildings just enthralled her. Bad memory: The time she realized not everyone had fun with their parents like she did. She noticed Prompto was alone all the time and didn’t talk about his parents much. It broke her heart, but what was she, slightly awkward and not even 10, going to do about it?

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?She doesn’t have any siblings, but she was raised treating her cousin Acheta as almost-a-sister. They were very close from late childhood into adulthood, when said cousin got Miel her job (which got her the chance to hunt, too!)7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood?Already did!11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?She’s flex-atarian XD. She likes poultry, but is fine with just vegetarian foods, as long as she gets enough protein and fats and stuff. She’s also kiiiiiiinda lactose-intolerant, but she drinks milk anyway. 13. What is their least favourite food?She’s never liked tofu. Or mustard. 17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?She likes taking pictures of pretty things she sees, likes selfies, and likes having her picture taken, even though she’s kinda “eh” on the way she looks, often feeling good at the start of a day and feeling gross at the end (but she does work long shifts, and then change clothes and hunt sometimes. Why would a waitress-hunter, greasy and dirty, feel gorgeous all the time?)She keeps her favorite photos (of any variety) in albums, or the BEST ones in frames. 19. What’s their least favourite genres?Books: trashy romance (she likes love stories, but bodice-rippers offend her slightly). Movies: horror. life is already a nightmare. Video games: most FPS’s bother her to no end.  Also, she doesn’t like reality TV (if that’s like... a thing? XD)23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?Her memory is pretty good. She remembers names better than faces, but remembers birthdays and random details best of all. Most of this is long-term. Short-term requires a lot of focus, and she’s often lost in thought, though she can spit back what people just said most of the time, and keep numbers in her head for a while. 29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective? She gets very protective. “over” protective is, in her eyes, rude. She’s being the perfect amount of protective. She wants to protect them, forever. (every once in a while, she’ll tease them.)31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?She avoids it for the most part, but will occasionally, on special days, have one (1) drink. As a result, she’s never really been drunk, but she does get a little tipsy sometimes (and then she’s very giggly and flirty).So! This makes her the certified caretaker of the group when they go drinking, because she’s always sober enough to remember where people’s keys are and hold their hair back if needs be, and she can wrangle them all down the street to go home, because she can remember everyone’s address to tell the cabbie. She’s everyone’s mom the next morning, doling out water and painkillers. 37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?She loves reading, prefers fiction, reads pretty fast (slower than she used to, but still, devouring books when she gets the chance), and likes and writes poetry.41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?She’s bi, and very proud of it. She oftentimes prefers men, but not to the disadvantage of women, really. (She played with the idea of polyamory before she found what she was looking for.)As for what she finds attractive, she likes people who have passion and  talent more than someone “powerful.” She’s also a sucker for pretty eyes, glasses, and pretty eyes behind glasses. (and she likes blonds, even though she is one!)She also, honestly, likes her partners a little clingy. She’s ridiculously independent at times, but if you need her, she will be there. So be prepared to ask for her attention (you’ll get it right away).She expects the same of her partners. Just some attention and some support when she needs. 43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?She’s religious, but in a bit of an odd way. She thinks religion is fine as long as it isn’t weaponized. Non-religious people are fine, too. 47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? Do they enjoy fancy parties and love to chit chat or loathe the whole event?She likes parties a lot-- a chance to dress up, which she loves, and an excuse to be social for as long as she can stand it! Black tie wear is great, she loves getting super dressed up, and loves seeing others dressed to the nines as well. She likes to chit-chat, but not to the point that she’ll seek out strangers, nor does she tolerate people coming up to her with a conversational agenda. (Do not ask her about Hunting or the Past or, god forbid, “how everyone’s holding up” and you mean Prompto. She will be A Bitch; do not mess with him. She’s protective and knows he’s sensitive.) Don’t think you can ‘splain something to her, either; someone once tried to tell her how archery “should” be done and she nearly had a contest with him right there. 

...They played darts later, still in formal wear, and he was taught a lesson (she and Prompto both whooped the dude’s ass. wooooooo target practice!)

[forthepursuitofknowledge]

Meet Noah

Fill in about your muse:

➥ What is your character’s full name?: Noah Kelten ➥ When were they born?: 14th sun of the 4th astral moon (However he does not know of his birthdate) ➥ Do they have any brothers or sisters?: Despite having no blood related kin, he does have those he considers something of adopted family. Due to recent events however, he’s lost touch with those people and is somewhat reluctant to let anyone else in. ➥ What kind of eyes do they have?: While Noah does happen to wear a mask at nearly all hours of the day, occasionally those who look close enough, or catch him in the right light would notice an emerald hue hidden well behind his metal shell. Noah’s eyes are studious, they observe and search for details wherever they might be. ➥ What kind of hair do they have?: Noah’s hair was lengthier up until he started wearing a mask, given he wears it so much, he felt it appropriate to cut his hair rather short. His hair is a chestnut brown which very rarely let’s much sun escape it’s surface, almost giving it a darker or even black shade at time of heavy sunlight. ➥ What is their complexion like?: Noah’s skin is fair, spending so much time away from the sun underneath robes doesn’t leave one with much of a tan to be frank. Though his left side of his body along with his face is covered in reddened skin from his burn scars, something he is very self conscious of. ➥ What body type are they?: Noah’s a thinly sort, after his being attacked by a Black Mage left his in medical care for some time his body weakened and while he is on the mend. Though he’s been getting better and putting his body to more use, his left side is still substantially weaker due to the serious nature of his wounds and without further strength / endurance training he will remain that way. (Though there is someone aiming to help that, so huzzah!) ➥ What is listening to their voice like?: Normally when one hears Noah’s voice, they might think of someone stern, strict, Noah places a good amount of confidence and knowledge into his voice, letting himself seem knowing even in time when he knows little. He has a very polite demeanor to those he’s just meeting, though once you’ve gotten on his bad side it’s easy to tell given his more cold and upfront way of addressing you. To those that get to know Noah a bit better they’ll actually find that behind his mask there is in fact a man who can be playful, jovial, and have fun...though perhaps in more mundane things like telling a good story. Noah is however known to be something of an actor, able to change the sound of his voice to suit a ‘character’ he portrays at a masquerade, usually for his own fun. ➥ What do they hate most about themselves?: His scarred skin, Noah has a great deal of self loathing, most of it coming from his mother refusing to look at the boy even growing up. However to Noah his scars remind him of a friend he’d lost, and his foolish desire for revenge that has now branded him quite literally for his anger. To him, these represent a shame he has yet to wash off, or really even confront. To some, they are nothing serious, and by no means is he monstrous for them, but to him, he wears his mask as penance, hiding his shame and the momento of his former self. ➥ Do they have a favorite quote?: “Preparation is the precursor to success.” ➥ What sort of music do they enjoy?: Noah love music of all sorts, he’s not one to really pick a favourite as each song has it’s own tale to tell. ➥ Have/would they ever cheat(ed) on a partner?: No. ➥ Have they been cheated on by a partner?: No ➥ Have they ever lost someone close to them?: Yes ➥ What is their favorite sound?: The sound of running water, particularly a stream. After Noah’s attack he was able to flee to an area of Limsa and collapsed by a stream of water, the sound was calming after such an ordeal and so it became ingrained in him, the sound was calming to him, even at times when he would panic.  ➥ Are they judgmental of others?: Yes yes yes! Noah is extremely picky about who he can trust given some recent events that have turned his opinions on some others around. He feels he has to guard himself from even those he might call friends. There are only two or three individuals he feels he can truly trust. Everyone else has varying degrees! ➥ Have they ever been drunk?: No, Noah at one point believed alcohol was the poison of the mind, but has since learned it can help aid in times of stress. He tries to enjoy a single glass of scotch in the evening. ➥ What are they like when they stay up all night?: To be fair Noah doesn’t sleep much to start, his normal attitude becomes intensified, his frustrations seem larger, his annoyances seem greater. He becomes more focused on work than on the people around him. Whe nhe’s well rested however, Noah is far more relaxed, and even willing to be a bit more kind and forgiving. ➥ Have they ever been arrested?: No ➥ What evokes strong memories for them?: People who do not take precaution to the dangers of Aether or it’s learning seriously. ➥ What do they do on rainy days?: Read, no surprise here from the man who lived in libraries most his life, Noah will find a good book and simply enjoy the story. When he was younger he had a fear of thunder that would only be quelled by burying himself into a book. Usually, a story about Knights and their bravery helped him feel more and more brave to the point of no longer having as much fear of the sounds of thunder. ➥ What religion are they?: While Noah openly believes in and prays to the Twelve, having been a Thaumaturge, he does also however believe in the Xaelic and Raen gods. The Dawnfather and Dusk Mother intrigue him, and in his studies of them he has become fascinated, believing that there is room for both sects of belief. As such, he tailors his greetings and departs to the beliefs of those around him, offering blessing of the Dusk Mother or Dawn Father to Auri, and blessings of the Twelve to Eorzeans. ➥ What word do they overuse the most?: “Bothersome” ➥ What do they wear to bed?: Noah tends to wear a shirt and shorts to bed, though there’s been times where he’ll simply wear his small clothes. Depending on how long it’s been since he slept (the man has an over active mind so he at times goes 36 hours without sleep) he may simply pass out in whatever he’s wearing at the time. ➥ Do they have any tattoos or piercings?: None. ➥ What type of clothing are they most comfortable in?: Noah prefers loose robes, something of taste but nothing to bind to his skin too taught, a habit he got into after his burns first came about. However he is not opposed to something more close fitting if the need calls, but in his element he enjoys looser fit robes for certain. ➥ What is their most disliked food?: Anything with a slimy texture, Noah can’t really do slippery or slimy, even sweets like pudding can make him shiver just because of the texture. ➥ Do they have any enemies?: He has some that he rather dislikes, but in terms of enemies he has one, the Black Mage who killed his friend. Noah has vowed that he shall not once visit the grave of his departed friend until he has brought that man to justice. ➥ What does their writing look like?: Noah has fine penmanship, having practiced most of his young years he refined a more fluid and artistic form of cursive.  ➥ What disgusts them?: Noah is often disgusted by people who are closed minded, the sort that shut out possibility. He is not a fan of those who are willing to take risks without the thought of consequence. Not to say he always plays things safe, but he knows what he’s getting into and what the results might be before he makes that first jump.

---

Was tagged by @childofamdapor

Tagging @feralwhenhungry @aeolian-mode @bride-and-bride @itsaritz @guardian-of-amdapor @jateshi

And anyone else who see’s this who wants to do it cause I DON’T REMEMBER EVERYONE RIGHT NOW OKAY!?

[heckin-awesome-duck-blog]

I hope you dont mind if I add to this. (If you'd rather I didn't message me and I'll delete)

This is an interesting type post and I would like to share my similarities to the above as well as some other things may differ or weren't mentioned.

-black and white thinking

-literal thinking (i can occasionally pick up on if someone is joking but a lot of the times I think they are serious when they're not or vice versa)

- only stim in noisy environments or when I'm getting overwhelmed

-also don't wear makeup

-also gets mistaken for a teenager even though I'm also mid twenties

-is that person flirting or being nice

-facial expressions who?

-fake eye contact

-special interests are probably more important for me now than they've ever been bc everything is too much and I very much need them to survive (although sometimes my depression interferes)

-i still have no clue how to make friends. The only people I can seem to befriend are fellow neurodivergent people

-very picky eater

- not very coordinated, gets lost easily in places I spend a lot of time in as well (like where i work)

-cant filter background noise and it's the accumulation that gets me overwhelmed rather than volume

- gets spooked easily

- only likes being touched by certain people, otherwise I have to touch where they touched until it feels right again

-anxiety and depression complicates things

-conversations are not my strong suit

-love to organize things, have my whole life, want to do it for a living honestly

-love small details in things, like wrinkles on people's faces, or legs on a bug, or intricate designs in home decor, etc

-semi verbal, meaning I mostly speak through scripting and echolalia but my verbal abilities aren't always reliable. I go nonverbal often, however since I'm just pegged as a quiet person most people don't notice unless they decide to try to have a full convo with me

-unique sense of humor

-self care is (And probably always will be) a work in progress

-cant drive (although I might have to learn soon and I'm uber anxious about it)

-miss huge plot points and sometimes can't follow a movie bc I tend to get distracted by details in the set, costumes, or the way a character speaks (I've watched Moana a few times now and I still have no idea most of what goes on, the animation is just so beautiful I can't follow the plot)

-i enjoy(ed) math in school and hated English bc math was basically always the same but English there is a lot of context you have to take into consideration (also I'm just not great with language)

-literally cannot wear flip flops bc if I do I cannot walk, been this way my whole life. I don't like anything between my toes or fingers. I like to explain to others by comparing me to the videos of the cats trying to walk with booties on

I saw a really good post today about how autism affects @cactus-spirit and I thought oh man this is a really great idea! Not only is it helpful when you have those moments when you feel like “Am I faking?” But I think its a great idea of showing how together but diverse everyone is on the spectrum to just have one post where you can go back to.

So here’s how my autism affects me and kind of also some of the things that I do that female’s with autism get put under as symptoms.

- My sensory development got worse as a an adult and what I mean by that is almost everything makes me want to puke or have a headache.

- I don’t wear makeup.

- My special interests are still very important to me but not as intense as they use to be.

- Background noise is higher than it should be and I can’t filter it out. In fact when I’m mad at something it just get’s louder.

- Although I’ve gotten better at making friends, in the beginning, I still can’t keep friends. I tend to fall apart after a while and I get anxiety from hanging out with them. Like everything they do starts to annoy me and I know it’s not their fault. I also always worry I’m being a bad friend.

- I’m terrible with names and forget things midway through sentences every time I speak. Unless it’s very simplex answers my sentences are never going to be the way I imagined them. It can also take me a while to get the answers out.

- Hypersensitive/Hyper defensive.

- I tend to work better with people if I have already planned out activities.

- I will have foods that I will only exclusively eat and then all of a sudden get sick of them and switch to a new group of select foods. I can’t ever eat to place something in my body for substance. It has to be specific foods.

- I always have to be the good guy and if someone sees me as the bad guy I completely break down and have meltdowns.

- I repeat phrases and words without meaning to when I explain something. My explanation can be long-winded at times as well.

- I like sounds in short bursts. Even when I’m watching shows I’ll get over stimulated and have to turn them off.  Unless it’s something I’m highly interested in.

- I tend to stick to only one or two people like glue even when I want to hang out with other people. I become overstimulated and anxious thinking about other friends.

- I’m super imaginative and have creative thinking skills.

- I tend to see the best in people which can be awesome but it’s more of a coping strategy for me because I have a hard time processing being let down.

- I work best with schedules but can’t make schedules and asking for help when I feel vulnerable sends me in spirals.  It’s not that I can’t ask for help it just takes a lot of spoons for me to do it.

- HELL NO to change.

- I don’t do well in clumped up crowds when the crowds are spread out I feel a little better.

- I hate to be touched except for by one person. I will allow occasional hugs as long as someone asks me.

- I’ve never been in AP classes but I was called smart or gifted. Really it just meant I listened to rules better than most kids my age and behaved better than them. Which I feel is kinda shitty because they were just acting like kids now that I think about it.

- Extremely bad high school experience and bullied all through middle school. Whenever someone brings up high school it bring’s out my PTSD and I become depressed.

- When I was a kid, kids scared the living shit out of me.

- I had a very extensive vocabulary as a child.

- A strong sense of justice.

- I have selective words I stick to. “Yeah” is one of the big ones.

- Echolalia.

- I like working by myself unless I’m the leader in creative type projects.

- I fidget with my body. Twirling hair, pulling out my nails, ripping off my skin, scratching, or straightening my body out, picking my chapped lips.

- I need to be stimulated at all times another wise I fall asleep breifly. I can’t really sleep well.

- I have very low stamina.

- OCD, Depression, and high anxiety.

- I look way younger than I actually am most people mistake me for a teenager when I’m in my mid-twenties.

- I can keep a conversation going to a degree as well as my ability to grasp social quotas quickly when properly explained to me. However, I don’t just get them right away off the bat.

- I need things to be broken down for me.

- Masking.

- I hate wearing clothes.

- Black and white thinking.

[filmsbyme-blog]

Ran is the 1985 Japanese masterpiece by award winning screen writer and director Akira Kurosawa. Ran is based on Shakespeare’s King Lear and the history of Mōri Motonari (1497–1571), a sixteenth-century Japanese feudal lord with three sons. Ran’s story of the three arrows – unbreakable in their unity, but easily snapped one by one – comes from a lesson Motonari imparted to his three sons in order to keep them from fighting each other and dissolving his empire. The film also indirectly addresses Kurosawa’s fears that the three superpowers – the US, the Soviet Union, and China – would destroy the world without unifying behind the idea of nuclear disarmament. Kurosawa created a powerful hybrid by mixing an adaptation of Shakespeare with his classic samurai epic and modern strife. 

The movie begins by introducing Ichimonji Hidetora and his three sons Tarō, Jirō, and Saburō. Hidetora, who is now 70 years old, decides to retire and chooses Tarō as his successor with his brother Jirō's support. However, the youngest Saburo objects to his plans and consequently, is banished. “Ran” in Japanese means “chaos” “revolt” and “madness”.  The story of ran is a story of bloody betrayals and treachery between the father, the brothers, their advisors, and their wives.  

The driving force behind Kurosawa writing Ran was his dissatisfaction with how King Lear suffered despite doing little wrong. Unlike Lear, Ran is heavy with Buddhist influence and shows human suffering is determined by how one has behaved previously. The godlike detachment of Ran shows human folly, barbarity, and war in order to analyze the foolish games of men. As Kyoami says, “Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies.” The law of Karma is very present. Kurosawa suggests that violent environment and behavior will only breed future violence in the generations to come. “You have spilled so much human blood you cannot measure it. You have lived without mercy or pity. But father, we, too, are children of this degraded age of strife,” Saburo says, implying that a father who as demonstrated the laws of power and the practice of cruelty could not expect his sons to live any other way.   “I am lost,” Hidetora says. “Such is the is human condition,” Kyoami reponds. Hidetora continues, "This path I remember; we came this way before.” “Men always travel the same road,” Kyoami explains. Kurosawa shows that the history of the world is foolish and crazed mankind repeating its mistakes and never learning. In narration, he also demonstrates how mankind has nothing to blame except itself. Tango exclaims, “Do not slander God or the Buddha! They are the ones who are crying! The evil of human beings... the stupidity of the sinful creatures, who believe their survival depends on killing others, repeated and again throughout all the time.” 

Another example of Buddhist influence in the film comes when the oldest son Taro and his wife Lady Kaede seize authority from Hidetora. They sit side by side, with a scroll hung above them and the three figures form a triangle. The scroll reads “Bodhisattva” which represents compassion, mercy, and wisdom. This imagery is ironic when compared to the anarchy of the story.  

Despite the film’s critical acclaim Kurosawa could not gain financing for the epic and spent years creating gouache and watercolor-based concept art of the characters and sets for the film. In this film, Kurosawa strived for the austere Japanese aesthetic ideal of wabi: the minimum is expressed and the maximum left for the beholder to supply. The elaborate and ornate was to be avoided. A hint, a suggestion should suffice.

Ran features one of Japan’s most distinguished living actors, Tatsuya Nakadai, who has made well over 100 movies. Still, he is best known to American audiences as a role in which he is nearly unrecognizable- Hidetora, the 70-something feudal patriarch of the Ichimonji clan. Nakadai, then in his early 50s, wore heavy makeup intended not only to age him but also to resemble a Noh mask. He said, ''They had to draw in every single wrinkle; the only parts of that face that were actually mine were the eyes.'' They are, however, no ordinary eyes. They're large and expressive. No one who has seen Hidetora will soon forget what they look like, huge with horror, as the mad lord descends the steps of his burning castle. This detail helped Ran win a BAFTA award for hair and makeup.  

Costuming is an important aspect for the mis-en-scene and characterization in Ran. Japanese costume design emerged from a fabric history involving high-toned color and ornate weaves and embroideries, and films have capitalized on this tradition. Ran was costumed to enormous acclaim by Emi Wada winning an Oscar and Academy Award for Costume Design. Since their introduction, Taro wears yellow; Jiro, red; and Saburo, blue. This color coordination heightens the sense of chaos in the battle scenes. This battle is a melee of red and yellow banners blowing freely, falling out of sight as troops fall, and finally the yellow is simply engulfed by the red. Additionally, Lady Kaede is based on two important Leitmotifs in Japanese cultural. Emi Wada noted the influence of noh (nō) costumes and masks. The glassy, immobile white face, and uplifted eyebrows resembles the mask of serpent-women in noh theater. The snake is an important leitmotif as the transformation of woman’s jealous nature. The manipulation of a fox leitmotif is also present. For example, when Lady Kaede demands the head of Jiro’s wife Lady Sue, Kurogane brings the fox statue head from the Inari shrine and warns Jiro about her.  Kurogane claims to have been tricked by the fox. He then tells the most famous tale of fox impersonation in Japanese drama, the story of Tamamo-no-Mae. He warns Jirō, “There are a lot of foxes in this area, and according to hearsay they often cheat men... It is said that at last she turned into a white fox with nine tails... Well, after that the traces of the nine-tailed fox were lost. It is possible that the fox has settled down in this vicinity (1:49).” Kaede wears a white uchikake (long outer white kimono) symbolically indicating the white nine tailed fox, which conceals an inner kimono bearing serpent image. The fox has traditional seductive sexual characteristics embodied in female transformation and is a symbol of false love. The white also represent her position as a widow after the death of the oldest brother Taro. Her true self revealed where she admits she was trying to destroy the family. When Kaede is killed, she wears a kimono worn by demonic woman such as the costume in the nō play Dōjōji, the story of a women who takes revenge when the priest will not marry her, she turns into a serpent. The gold, black, and white triangles resemble serpent scales. The creation of each character in Ran is complimented by the detailed costuming.

Samurai have become one of the most recognizable aspect of Japanese culture, even though they were effectively banned in the 19th century. Kurosawa’s father was proud of his samurai heritage. The samurai genre remains popular. The themes of honor still resonate with Japanese and international audiences today. However, the Ichimonji family breaks this idea of honor with their backstabbing and ignoble treachery. Another theme is inheritance, a tradition taken very seriously in Japan and is strictly regulated. The Ichimonji also breaks this tradition, demonstrating the greed that disrupts society.  The story of Ran is a warning for those who do not uphold the tradition’s of society. 

The end of Ran summarizes Kurosawa’s view of the human condition. A blind youth- Tsurumaru- wanders to the edge of a precipice, oblivious of being poised unseeing between life and death. Ignorant of the tragedies (the many deaths), alone, blind, and unaware of his perilous state. This signifies the human race, who acts blindly and recklessly. However, the Buddha watches over Tsurumaru and humanity- the opportunity for goodness to prevail.  

Works Cited

Jan, Feei-Ching. Buddhism in Kurosawa's Films: A Critical Analysis, California State University, Fresno, Ann Arbor, 1989. ProQuest, https://search.proquest.com/docview/303805650?accountid=14882. 

Joseph McLellan, “Oscar-Nominated Kurosawa Stands Tall Among Directors,” The Frenso Bee, 9 Feb. 1986: 14. 

Winning, Rob. "Ran." International Dictionary of Films and Filmmakers, edited by Sara Pendergast and Tom Pendergast, 4th ed., vol. 1: Films, St. James Press, 2000, pp. 995-997. Gale Virtual Reference Library, http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/CX3406800729/GVRL?u=vic_wlu&sid=GVRL&xid=b85760af. Accessed 16 Oct. 2018. 

"Costume." Schirmer Encyclopedia of Film, edited by Barry Keith Grant, vol. 1, Schirmer Reference, 2007, pp. 375-382. Gale Virtual Reference Library, http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/CX2587600053/GVRL?u=vic_wlu&sid=GVRL&xid=69de0231. Accessed 16 Oct. 2018. 

Krasilovsky, Alexis. Great Adaptations: Screenwriting and Global Storytelling. Routledge, 2018. 

Muchnik, Federico. The Strategic Producer: on the Art and Craft of Making Your First Feature. Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group, 2017. 

Rafferty, Terrence. "The Actor with Stardom in His Eyes." New York Times (1923-Current file), Jun 15, 2008, pp. 1. ProQuest, https://search.proquest.com/docview/897789484?accountid=14882. 

Serper, Zvika. “Lady Kaede in Kurosawa’s Ran: Verbal and Visual Characterization through Animal Traditions.” Japan Forum, vol. 13, no. 2, Sept. 2001, pp. 145–158. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1080/09555800120081367. 

Richie, Donald. The Films of Akira Kurosawa. Berkeley: U of California P, 1984. Humphreys, Christmas. Buddhism: An Introduction and Guide. London: Penguin Books, 1951, rept. 1962. 

“Episode 1.” Miro Motonari. Kiku TV. NHK, Shibuya. 14 December 1997. Television. 

Kurosawa, Akira, Director. Ran. Toho, 1985.

[toomanysurveys9]

can’t believe you’re really gone..

“Aesthetic-themed” questions

32 questions

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? thursday before we left for geneva.. so two days ago.

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? i think i’d want to know the exact date that i have wyatt because the closer it gets, the more scared i get because unless i have to schedule an induction or c-section (which i shouldn’t have to) i have no clue when i’ll have him and i’d like to know how much time we have and be prepared..

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise the last time i got to see my grandma randolph before she was put in hospice.. because of the stupid song playing on my ipod..

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have an actual bucket list.. i just have things in my head that i wouldn’t mind doing.

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. well, there are three people that i go to in my life. jacob, kayla, and my mom. my mom and i haven’t always got along due to various reasons, but we’re very close now, and i love her more than she could know. i don’t know what i’d do without her. before jake and i left for the weekend, he was being a complete asshole, and she said all i have to do is say the word and her and my dad will drive the over two hours just to get me. she was also more than willing to drop everything and come get me from his grandpa’s last night because i was having braxton hicks and they got pretty intense, more than normal. and she’d come today if i asked, but jake would be pissed cos he’s decided i’m fine, even though i wasn’t going to ask him to leave with me.. i don’t know. she’s just great and i know she’d do anything for all of us kids.. i’m lucky to have her as my mom.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? it was mostly good and happy, yes.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? thursday night before michelle (jake’s sister) came to pick us up.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. jacob i guess, because i do basically everything with him and i think it’d be nice to just lay there and look at the stars..

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? no. not with a stranger. i don’t trust people.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i love brown eyes. jake has brown eyes and i absolutely love them.. my mom and sister also have brown eyes, and although they hate them, i like them. i have blue eyes.. i kind of hope wyatt gets jacob’s eyes..

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. so, this is cheesy, but there is a quote in the animated movie sing that buster moon says that i’ve liked lately because there have been some rough things going on lately.. “when you’ve reached rock bottom, there’s only one way to go, and that’s up!” there are more that actually mean something to me, but i don’t feel like getting that in depth with it right now..

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? i have no idea, to be honest. i’ve never thought about it, because it’s not something i would write. my life has mostly been boring. and the parts that might not be boring are just bad and not something i’d want to write about in an autobiography. i’ve never really done a whole lot... never really made a difference anywhere.. getting pregnant with wyatt is probably the only great thing i’ve done, and that wasn’t even really my decision, exactly, but i’m so lucky..

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? take care of bills/debts for myself, jake, my parents, my siblings, jake’s mom, and kayla. plus i would get my dad a jeep. my mom whatever car she wants. get a house for jake and my family. his mom and sister. and kayla and her kiddos. plus, i would of course give all those people some money to do with what they wish. savings. college fund for wyatt.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? i forgive so much and so easy. sometimes it’s fine, but other times it just does more damage for me, so it’s not a good thing in those cases..

winged eyeliner: write a one hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. i’m definitely not going to type one hundred words... but i’d tell myself just to relax a little and not start hurting myself.. cos that’s hard to stop, and it becomes a constant struggle, even as a 23 year old.. stuff like that.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? neither, honestly. i guess i’m more punk than pastel though...

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. i enjoy them. i have several piercings and tattoos and want more tattoos. after baby of course.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? i do not. i don’t have the motivation to do it that often. so i don’t really. plus, i’m not super great at it like most girls anyway.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. i don’t feel like it right now..

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. wow. i don’t know. i’d have to think about that one.. that’s a lot of pressure.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. my favorite was ed sheeran. he is wonderful. and i went to it with my mom, stepgrandma, and erin. my grandma couldn’t get up to where we were sitting though so they sat down lower. it was cool getting to spend time with my sister.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? leslie. she recently lost her dad and i tried so hard to remind her i was there for her without being annoying.. but i don’t know. i think we’re not really friends anymore.. i guess too much time and distance really did mess things up a bit.. which sucks..

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have one..

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? depends. usually i go to the bathroom and lay on the bed while wyatt moves around.. i eventually fall asleep. sometimes i read or play around on my phone..

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? i don’t know. my mom knows basically everything at this point. i guess i wouldn’t want my dad to know about the first party i went to even though i was 21.. i drank way too much and it was a rough night for everyone.. i was begging people to kill me.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i don’t want to dye my hair. if i had to, though, maybe a redish brown. that way it wouldn’t be too crazy since i have brown hair anyways.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? probably begging people to kill me. i also threw up on tito. oh, and i kept thinking about walking and trying to get hit by a car, but no one knows that..

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? do anything to hurt those i love.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i’m a girl . but i wouldn’t rock really, really short hair because short hair doesn’t look good on me.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? getting through the last couple months of pregnancy so i can get a job and make sure my shit gets taken care of, and that wyatt gets everything he needs, and of course some things he wants. wyatt.