#i love that puppet hes so ugly but it is very reminiscent of what it was inspired by. with of course a probably different budget

[radrobotz]

did i only watch the avgn movie 2 days ago thats fucked up its already felt like a week at least. but anyways i am still thinking about it i dont know why the practical effects were really goofy but charming i liked when you could very clearly tell when something was a miniature. and that fucking puppet

[fullmetxl]

Characters: Scaramouche / Wanderer & Gender-Neutral Reader Tags: Spoilers for the 3.2 Archon Quest, Character Study, Romance(ish) Summary: Because who is He now, if not a discarded puppet? He’s mine, you think with pursed lips and burning eyes. And I won’t give him up. — Scaramouche is defeated. You intend to save him. A Scaramouche x GN!Reader one-shot that explores the 3.2 fight and its aftermath.

Read it on AO3.

Scaramouche :

“No!”

Electricity sizzles in the air, a sound so deep and deathly that it leaves all those who listen to it shattered.

But the Dendro Archon, Lesser God Kusanali, Buer, the God of Wisdom is unrelenting in her pursuit. She does not listen to the pleas coming out of the prototype of a man. She extends her small hand, beckoning the Gnosis forward and out of the carcass in front of her.

“No, wait.” His pleas increase tenfolds, tone shaking with all the emotions he can muster.

Everything he has ever felt comes crashing down—the love of a mother’s touch, the betrayal of being casted aside, the grief of losing a friend, and the anger… so much anger. It all comes undone before him, before his very eyes.

Nahida looks up at him, green eyes glowing with an understanding of things that were, things long past. Her bright eyes shine with empathy and wisdom.

Why does she pity him? Him, a God made anew?

He grits his teeth, emotions flowing out of him like a river cascading down a mountain. He leans all his weight forward, arm fully extending out. “Please.”

But Nahida never stops. She continues to extend her hand, the Electro Gnosis a mere distance away from her grasp—the purple-pink hue so reminiscent of The Sacred Sakura, once a beautiful sight. But just like the blooms that descend upon Inazuma, so too must everything come to pass.

And yet, he can’t give it up.

That power should be his. Is his, by right. Was that not the reason he was created in the first place, after all? Was that not why his own mother created him in her own image, a vessel for Godhood?

Because who is He now, if not a discarded puppet?

“That’s mine, don’t even try!” he cries out with all that he has, pushing himself forward, his whole weight placed on his mere volition—his desire to be what he has always meant to be. As he does, he feels the tubes that had been holding him back slowly come loose, the strings pulling his fate snapping.

No, no, no.

This can’t be how this ends.

“I'll never go back…” he whispers frantically, pain leaping out of him. Images of a dark void filled with nothing but cold loneliness and grief come surging back.

Shakkei Pavilion, the tombstone enacted for him.

He won’t go back.

But without a Gnosis, without a heart of his own… It's all been meaningless, hasn’t it?

The Gnosis finally falls into Nahida’s hands, and with it, his vision begins to pulsate violet. Electro energy splinters through the course of his veins. He feels the connection with his true purpose fade away.

His body falls and everything becomes a blur. Tears cloud his vision.

He has already given up.

Without the Gnosis, he’s finished.

The existence of what once Kunikuzushi was small and ugly. He is no longer The Ballader or Scaramouche.

And if he’s not a God? Then he’s an empty carcass, filled with nothing but shattered dreams.

A broken marionette.

When oblivion comes crashing down on him, it envelopes him like a mother would embrace her babe, dark and tender.

Everything drifts away.

------------

You:

They call him Scaramouche, The Ballader. The Sixth of the Eleven Fatui Harbingers.

You know him as Kunikuzushi.

“No, wait. Please.” His voice comes twisted and ragged, a burst of emotions echoing in the chambers.

You have seldom heard him reach this breaking point. When he was young and made anew, perhaps. But these emotions have not flowed out of him in a very long time.

My mother discarded me because I cried too much, he once confessed to you when he had first been brought in, before he assumed the title of The Balladeer.

Perhaps that is why he chose not to feel.

Your heart twists in your chest, but you stay put. You must not be seen, after all, least you want to attract the Traveler’s attention. The Traveler cannot know who you are or know that a Fatui Agent has entered this sanctuary. You glance towards the blonde standing near the entrance, its floating companion nearby.

Harbingers aren’t afraid to make a dramatic entrance when they need to but you are no Harbinger. Your talents lie in stealth and secrecy, and so, you stay put.

There’s also the fact that you aren’t here on official business. You are here because of Kunikuzushi and nothing else. Though Il Dottore may have chosen to leave him behind, you aren’t ready to cast him away so quickly.

He’s mine, you think with pursed lips and burning eyes. And I won’t give him up.

You hear the fall, the crash and you almost jump out of your hiding spot. Your knuckles turn white as you dig your nails into your palms.

Dust fills the air.

You listen as Lesser God Kusanali and The Traveler chatter away, and amber light surges through the sanctuary. You glance back, watching a golden Knowledge Capsule—or what appears to be one, anyway—floating in the air.

“That’s right. This… is the last memory of my predecessor,” you hear Lesser God Kusanali explain, her eyes glowing like emerald orbs, infinite and wise.

Lesser God Kusanali, the Traveler and the little floating entity that you think referred to itself as Paimon begin to fade, their bodies transporting to another realm.

As soon as you are certain that they have teleported far away, you walk towards where the would-be-god stands. Beneath it, a rubble of debris stands, a cloud of hazing fog. You squint, trying to make sense of what you are seeing, your nose dry from the dust.

And then, you see him.

A broken marionette, twisted on the ground.

You are kneeling next to him in an instant, your eyes reeling in his body in a frantic and desperate search. You find he is alive and sigh in relief. He is wounded, several cuts on parts of his body, but there’s not much blood. Rather, the more pressing issue is the fact that he fell from such a height. It is likely he suffers a concussion.

You glance up from where he descended, scowling. Such a height would have killed most mortals.

Then again, Scaramouche isn’t human.

“Scaramouche,” you murmur under your breath, voice soft and hand softer still.

“Balladeer,” you say in an almost frantic prayer. You lift his head onto your thighs, caressing the beads of sweat away from the creases of his forehead, gently tucking strands of hair back.

“Kunikuzushi…” You graze your fingers over his soft skin and call upon your vision, trailing down his cheeks softly.

Kunikuzushi doesn’t awaken. Instead, he appears to be crying, silent tears streaming down his face.

You caress the tears with your thumbs, closing your eyes.

“I would save you.”

A plea to him, a promise to yourself.

You feel your powers unravel before you.

Light beckons forward, shines through you as your healing touch cascades down and trickles down onto Scaramouche’s pale skin. He glows white, like fireflies flowing together in a harmonious dance in Liyue Harbour on a cool autumn night.

You let your magic fully encompass him.

What you find is pain. So much pain. Insurmountable levels of pain.

You’ve known all along how much pain Scaramouche carries with him. But right now, it engulfs you, ensnares you and you have to bite your lip to not cry out from the pain.

So you you just push more healing magic into him, a wave of nausea settling at the pit of your stomach.

How long you let your vision embrace him, you know not. But by the time you come back to your senses, you are drenched in sweat, your hands trembling from the effort.

“You are helping him,” a voice lulls you back to reality and you snap your head towards the chirpy voice.

Lesser God Kunali stands in front of you, her child-like features both ethereal and dainty. You shudder, reaching for your weapon but she shakes her head.

“At ease, Snezhnayan spy. I mean you no harm.”

You exhale, eying the Dendro Archon cautiously. You are a good judge of people and though you have never encountered a God before—only a would-be-god vagrant from Inazuma—you find no lies in her expression. You allow her to approach the two of you with a nod.

“I am Nahida,” she says as if it were a casual thing in the world.

“I know who you are,” you mutter back, dark eyes looking towards Scaramouche. You feel her presence next to you as she sits down, hands reaching above.

Green energy flows out of her, slowly and surely, and you can’t help but admire the sheer power she exudes.

Still, you keep your guards up.

“He is in pain,” she points out.

You nod once, continuing to push your healing magic into his wounded body. She places a hand on top of yours.

“And you are tired.”

You scowl, jerking your hand away from hers.

“Don’t presume to know me, Buer. I will not relent until he opens his eyes again.”

“You bear him much love,” Nahida points out and you don’t say anything to confirm or deny her allegations. “I wonder,” she begins, tilting her head curiously, “What caused him to stray away from this love to seek out Godhood?”

“You know nothing,” you snarl, glaring at the Dendro Archon with such venom that you even surprise yourself. “He is not a puzzle for you to figure out, a pastime for you to waste your time on. He is mine, mine to do with as I please, you hear me? And I will not have you try to twist him into a story that fits your narrative.”

“I see.”

You eye Nahida, finding her with a serene expression on her face, looking up at the machine that once bore Scaramouche.

She stays silent for a long while, listening to your healing magic fluidly encompass Scaramouche, a steady hum echoing in the sanctuary.

“He almost did it, you know. Reach Godhood.” She breaks the silence. “But a God filled with anger is a curse for the people of Teyvat. I could not let him be.”

You lick your dried lips, eyes flickering to her form, and speak, “He is relentless and stubborn. I have never known him to stray away from a goal once he set his mind to it. But I am glad you stopped him, I do not think this outcome would have been the right one for him.”

You know such words are selfish and unbecoming of even yourself. But whether they are uttered out loud to a God or just thought in the privacy of your mind, it is how you feel.

“Interesting,” Nahida continues. “You say this despite your allegiances to the Fatui Order?”

“Yes.” You glare at her again, a lofty element to your tone. “Just because I serve the Tsaritsa doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything the Harbingers do. I serve Her will, not theirs.”

She nods with a small smile. “Tell me, what would you do for him, if you could?” she asks.

You glance away, voice more soft. “I would give him a heart, if I had one to spare.”

She sighs, a content exhale.

“Come, you are tired. And I have it in me to help you, Fatui Spy.”

You shake your head, coughing lightly as the fatigue begins to grip you, your insides twisting in pain.

She once again places one of her child hands on top of yours. This time, you don’t refuse the touch. “His wounds are deep—both psychological and physical. He will not awaken now, he will need time. And you need to rest. Let me create a shelter for the both of you.”

“Why?” You give her a suspicious glance.

“I see truth in your heart. And that is the greatest Wisdom of all,” she explains as she stands on her two feet, her white curls falling gracefully.

You hesitate, glancing back at Scaramouche, whose pain still seems as deep as the sea. Your healing touch has only grazed the surface.

As much as you hate to admit it, Nahida is right.

“I promise, where I take you, no Fatui or mercenary can find you. You will be safe,” she says.

You stop healing Scaramouche and rise on your feet, looking down at the child.

“Very well, Buer, God of Wisdom. I will take your offer. But stab me in the back and know I will make sure your people never have an Archon to ever pray to,” you threaten as you give her an icy stare.

Though you know you are far from being able to execute such threats given your exhaustion, you fully intend to make it clear to Nahida that going back on her word is not an option.

“A contractual way of negotiating. I almost feel like I am in Liyue. I accept,” she says with a hum, placing one of her hands on Scaramouche’s leg, the other reaching out to you.

You take her small hand into yours, sitting down next to Scaramouche. You feel your body begin to tingle, green energy encompassing the other of you.

As you look upon Scaramouche one last time, you notice his pale face, the way it glistens with tears of hope and pain.

Kunikuzushi. Scaramouche. The Ballader. Or whatever you may choose to call yourself in the future.

Please, just.

Don’t die.

[farty-city]

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly… is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say. 

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless 

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

 facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp 

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up” 

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song 

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it 

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

 sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty” 

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting 

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

 feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

:(

panic attack 

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers 

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes 

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content? 

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it 

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown 

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy 

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade.  John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy. 

I hope this has given him peace

[mst3kproject]

The Ship of Monsters

Check me out, I’m being topical!  I had another review almost finished for today, but when I saw the news I knew I had to set that aside and find a movie about life on Venus.  This one is a ridiculous Mexican film starring Lorena Velazquez from Samson vs the Vampire Women (looking only slightly less like Cher) and one of those amazing cardboard robots you only get in the very worst of late 50’s and early 60’s sci-fi.

An atomic war on the planet Venus has killed off all the males, so an expedition is sent out in search of replacements, consisting of a native Venusian named Gamma, her Uranian navigator Beta, and their robot Tor.  After promising the Empress that they will bring back only the most manly of men, they wander the solar system a while collecting creatures with penises before an engine problem forces them to land on Earth.  The first human they meet there is Laureano Gomez, a singing cowboy with a well-earned reputation for telling tall tales.  One might assume one could predict the rest of the movie from there… but then Beta turns on Gamma and reveals that her true mission all along was to conquer a planet to feed the vampires of Uranus!

I gotta say… I did not see that coming.

The Ship of Monsters is supposed to be a comedy.  It’s seldom funny when it’s trying to be, although it mercifully avoids being the kind of desperately unfunny a lot of bad comedies are… possibly this is because it’s in Spanish, and by the time I’ve realized something is stupid there’s another subtitle to distract me. The jokes, such as they are, are pretty standard.  Tor the robot was created by an alien race, who were aware of Earth but never bothered exploring it because they thought the inhabitants weren’t very intelligent.  Laureano is in the habit of telling ridiculous stories to his drinking buddies, so of course when he claims the Earth is being invaded by space monsters they don’t believe him.  That sort of thing.  The movie is much funnier when it’s just showing us absurd situations, but to nobody’s surprise, The Ship of Monsters is at its funniest when it’s trying to be serious.

This hilarity comes in many forms, covering just about all the possible bases for a dirt-cheap 1960 sci-fi film.  We have spaceship sets made of cardboard, covered with buttons that don’t actually press and levers conveniently placed so people can bump into them during fight scenes.  We have Tor, with his tin can body that’s always a little dinged up but never in the same places, giving us clues as to what order the scenes might have been shot in.  He also has wiggly spring antennae and makes a little whirring noise every time he moves. We have space babes in silver bathing suits and glittery high heels.  Vampire-Beta, sporting plastic fangs that look like they came from the bottom of a cereal box, could be the female counterpart to the guy from Dracula vs Frankenstein, and the puppet used to represent her in flight is nearly as bad as the one from The Devil Bat.

The ‘monsters’ of the title are a bulging-brained Martian prince, a scaly cyclops, a spidery creature with venomous fangs, and the mobile skeleton of what appears to be a *damn worwelf (he tells us that his race has Evolved Beyond Flesh... apparently not Beyond Bones, though).  The costumes are all terrible, particularly the warwulf puppet, whose backbone extends into his mouth and who has to be carried around with his feet dangling in any shot that’s not a close-up.  It’s nice, though, that a little imagination went into them, and somebody gave a bit of thought to the idea that a monstrous appearance is relative.  The Martian tells Beta that he admires her ambition and might even marry her if she weren’t so ugly by his planet’s standards.

At the end, naturally, this alien invasion is defeated by Laureano, his twelve-year-old brother, and a cardboard robot, while Gamma just stands around and screams.  With a movie like this I expect nothing less.  The denouement contains my favourite intentional joke in the whole thing, in which Gamma stays on Earth with her True Love, and Tor the robot takes his, the Jukebox, back to Venus with him!  Tom Servo would have given a speech to congratulate the happy couple, and I can just see him breaking down into happy tears before he got five lines in.

(The wirwalf skeleton is not present at the climactic fight, by the way… no explanation is offered, and I strongly suspect that they broke the puppet trying.  I rather enjoy this omission, because it lets me imagine him getting lost or maybe buried by an enterprising dog, and finally finding his way back to the landing site only to learn that they’ve left without him.)

I called Laureano a cowboy but he only has one cow.  Her name is Lolobrijida and she is the very first time I have ever seen a movie spur a hero into action by killing his cow.  She gets a proper Teenagers from Outer Space death, with her skeleton left behind propped up by metal struts like a dinosaur in a museum!

I also called him a singing cowboy, which he is – there are several songs, including one in which he tries to explain to Gamma and Beta what ‘love’ means.  The songs have pleasant but forgettable Mexican pop melodies, and none of the lyrics make a whole lot of sense.  Being translated over-literally from Spanish probably didn’t do them any favours (my own Spanish tops out at yo no tengo dinero), but I still can’t imagine that the What Is Love song clarified anything.

Laureano himself comes across as kind of a fool, but he’s not actually a full-on idiot, which is quite important.  If he were the kind of one-dimensional ‘comedic nitwit’ embodied in characters like Dropo, or the janitor from Reptilicus, he’d be insufferable.  Laureano is no genius, but he’s got personality traits besides being stupid – he cares deeply for his little brother Chuy and for his animals, and he doesn’t treat Gamma and Beta’s appearance as two women for the price of one.  Very quickly he decides that Gamma is the one he loves, and he sticks to that, doing his best to let Beta down gently even when she offers to make him a king.  He’s also smart enough to trick Beta into dancing with him so he can steal the device she uses to control the rocket and Tor, and to listen to Gamma when she tells him about the various monsters’ weaknesses.

Gamma and Beta, on the other hand, don’t have a lot to them besides the basic fact that Gamma is the Nice One and Beta is Evil. Gamma starts out in the story with a strong sense of duty, and it’s a bit disappointing to see her abandon that because of Tru Luv.  I would have liked the ending better if she’d taken Laureano home with her so that the two of them could be the Adam and Eve of the new Venusian race.  Meanwhile, Beta shows no sign of any loyalty except to herself and her own ambition.  Her original mission, to secure Earth as a blood supply for the Uranians, falls by the wayside as she decides she’s going to conquer and rule the planet herself.

So The Ship of Monsters isn’t exactly a feminist manifesto, but neither is it complete misogynistic garbage like Project Moon Base.  The whole premise, after all, rests on a planet of women being able to develop space travel all on their own!  This is a fairly surprising plot point, because in many ‘planet of women’ movies like Fire Maidens of Outer Space or Cat Women of the Moon, the ladies need the virile Earth Men to come to them.

There’s also a little bit of actual science peeking out of the cracks.  The moment for launch of the rocket from Venus is determined by when ‘the elliptical orbits coincide’.  Launch timing is, indeed, a delicate art depending very much on what’s orbiting where. There’s also the moment when, trying to land on Earth, Gamma and Beta worry that the friction, combined with our oxygen-rich atmosphere, will set their ship on fire.  This stuff is pretty impressive coming from a time when the moon landing was still nearly a decade away.  There are even a couple of scenes in zero gravity that honestly aren’t totally terrible.  I mean, I’ve seen better, but I’ve also seen much, much worse.

There’s also one weirdly prescient moment when Laureano, telling one of his silly stories in the pub, describes being surrounded by dinosaurs – only to get a laugh a moment later when he mentions that they had beautiful plumage.  I’m not sure whether this is meant to be a joke in that Laureano is exaggerating an actual encounter with an angry bird into something more fearsome (I think we’re to assume that the whole story is totally made up), or whether it’s just supposed to be funny that Laureano thinks dinosaurs had feathers instead of scales.  Either way, it’s the equivalent of the moon Fornax in Menace from Outer Space being so reminiscent of Io.  There’s no way the writers could have known that, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

The Ship of Monsters is very cheap and very dumb, but it’s good fun for those of us who like crummy old alien invasion movies, and I recommend it to anybody in that demographic.  As for actual life on Venus… I feel like a lot of the people getting excited are too young to remember when Bill Clinton told the world that we had totally found life on Mars.  Humans have been discovering life on other planets for about two hundred years and every single one of those ‘discoveries’ has turned out to be either a mistake or an outright lie.  We have plenty enough to panic about this year without a Venusian invasion.

[migleefulmoments]

Cassie-isms #1

Cassie thought she’d lay some sick proof on us today and came up something that just made me chuckle. The more I investigate the information the cc fandom holds so dear, the more I realize that none of them care about the quality of the source of the information so long as it blows smoke up their asses and helps them keep their cc fantasy alive. Any Tom, Dick or Mary can make up any nonsense- as long as it helps them keep pretending, they love it. The standard for anything that shines a light on reality is quite high but for anything that is cc positive- there is no low too low. Every rumor, lie or blind is written into the cc lexicon. Their main tropes have come from catfishing GHOSTS; mislabeled fanfiction (X) that was retracted before the Board of Directors even joined the fandom (X); nonsense stories that never happened like the Max Adler story (X), anything from DCAN, the Bryant Park ccriot & the “Mia was high on coke” night. I have already debunked so many of their favorite “facts” in my other posts tagged #Debunking cc lies including my favorite one (X) but today I present to you this installment by Cassie as she reminisces about the time when Chris Colfer came out in real life and the TV show he was on got upset. You know the show, the one where he played a gay character on a show full of gay storylines, created by an out-and-proud gay man who is a gay activist and has a show on the air 10 years later staring transgender actors telling transgender storylines.....yes! That the show!!!!! According to cc lore-Fox Execs were upset when he came out and they tried to push him back in the closet. I’ve heard that story many times from ccers but I had never seen the “irrefutable proof” until today:

cassie1022

So, I was looking for a particular quote from the early days of G/lee from C and stumbled on this. Fox tried to shove C back in the closet and the bullshit excuse was that they didn't want him labeled as a "gay actor." That's evil AF. I also came across a second early Q&A with VF and he said, before season one wrapped, that there was a love interest coming in season two and he wanted the guy to be unattractive so people wouldn't question why he was with Kurt. It hurts my heart knowing how self conscious he was and knowing they used that against him repeatedly.

(I image she is picturing him in preschool- feeling ugly, sitting the corner across the room from an equally dejected, lonely Darren playing with his puppet trying to get the courage to take it over to play with Chris)  

The link that appears on her post won’t let me paste it here which is good because I can got to keep the name of the news organization where she obtained this “proof”.......Cele/bitchy(X). Yes that is Cele/bitchy. That immediately leads to a “self, what kind of journalistic integrity is adhered to at a place called Cele/bitchy? “I best click that link and find out”.  I was greatly rewarded for my effort. 

If you can’t read the highlighted area it says “From the National Enquirer Print Edition”. The National Enquirer, the same people who claimed Hilary Clinton had an alien baby? Yes that very same one.  But it gets better- I clicked on their legal disclaimer and basically it says “this is for entertainment and the website is nonsense”.   

Yeah, that is the same one that the cc fandom has on their homepage.  

[emeraldtawny]

Edgar x OC: Masquerade (Pt. 1/5)

Okay...attempting something a little different this time around.

So, I’ve never made an OC for Ikemen before but then this lil idea popped into my head and I wanted to write it....but I didn’t want to put Alice through the torture and angst I have planned, so I made a character to fit the prompt~! If OCs ain't your thing, all good. Just for this story (which should be around 4 fics long depending on if my brain has another sudden epiphany), I will be using this OC who I have drafted out already, name and all but shhhhh, it’s a surprise ;3

The angst build-up begins hehehe >:3

The Bright Family business. It isn’t anything glamorous - and hardly something to brag about - yet, to the man behind the closeted affairs, it’s all he knows and all he will ever know if history is to remain the unchanging mistress she is. He learned quickly never to ask “why?”; questions like that would be answered insufficiently, always leaving a bitter taste in his mouth and still does to this day. He’s a natural at this point, being the flawless Jack of All Trades that he is. Emotions are repugnant and make the jobs he does unsavoury, questions never help anyone and the best option is to remain silent and commit to the job at hand. As long as he remains the good puppet that he is, there won’t be any problems - as long as the blood-soaked hands of a sinner are never exposed to the light.

Tonight is a tame job, a simple infiltration into a coveted party for the elites of Cradle. He is to find evidence of possible espionage and, if any spies exist to conspire against the Red Army, to eliminate them without a commotion. He enters the mansion without incident, his clear emerald eyes brightly contrasting against the black masquerade mask he wears, a party theme he can’t help but smile at how perfect it is for him. Edgar keeps his carefully trained smile on his face, flowing through the throngs of people as his eyes scan the crowds and his ears eavesdrop each conversation with pinpoint accuracy.

The sound of a body hitting a table and glassware clinking loudly against other glasses pulls people’s attention to the scene unfolding, Edgar’s included. An older gentleman has a woman pushed against a table, his arms on either side of her enclosing her in. Her face hardly seems phased by the man’s incredibly aggressive actions, yet she attempts to free herself by grabbing his arm. He shoves her rather forcefully back, her hips hitting the table with a thud clearly resonating pain, yet still, the woman remains impassive.

(How very intriguing.)

Despite his priorities lying with his family duties, his gentlemanly upbringing - as well as his interest in this enigmatic woman - pulls him towards the discourse. As he gets closer, the man’s rushed, semi-slurred words become clearer.

“You woman are all the same. All you want is money and expensive jewellery, so why the hell are you turning my offer of everything you could ever want down?!”

(Ah, a man trying to save his fall from grace by shifting the blame. How boring.)

The woman’s response, however, makes him have to repress the sly quirk of his lips. “Because that would require me being within metres of you for long durations. No amount of money is worth that torture.”

Her delivery in the most aloof tone causes the man’s rage to peak. “Why you--!”

“Pardon me, sir.”

It is now that Edgar intervenes, the two sets of eyes moving from each other to focus on him. Edgar assesses the woman, her lavender eyes piercingly bright beneath her jet black mask, the edges adorned with golden feathers. The man seems flustered to have been interrupted but maintains a haughty demeanour against Edgar.

“What do you want? Can’t you see I’m busy reprimanding this lady’s unsavoury manners?”

Edgar’s eyes move to the man now, his calculated smile constructed perfectly to give no hint of weakness away, “I was just going to thank you for entertaining my date. I was running late and couldn’t notify her in time, but I appreciate you keeping her company before I arrived.”

While the man seems taken aback and confused, the woman’s eyes remained locked on Edgar in a gaze that could only be described as analytical.

(Let’s see if my hunch about you is correct, shall we?)

Edgar’s lips curl into a more dazzling smile, holding his hand out to her. “Shall we be off then, my darling?”

Her eyes move to his outstretched gloved hand then back to his eyes, hues of green and purple conversing silently through vision alone. Then, as naturally as one could imagine, she takes his hand and moves to stand beside him, her free arm looping around his in a way reminiscent of couples, love one would dare say. The man baulks, completely stunned as the two saunter off as if nothing ever occurred.

Out of earshot, Edgar grins as he guides the mysterious woman adorning his arm through the ballroom. “Are you alright?”

“Fine. You don’t need to feign sympathy for me. I appreciate the help though, so thank you.”

He chuckles in response. “That’s an awfully bold assumption you’re making of someone you’ve only just met.”

She meets his gaze, an almost apathetic look in her eyes, “I consider myself quite good at reading people, as I’m sure you think so of yourself.”

(Well, well...she is just as I thought. Curiouser and curiouser.)

Allowing himself this slight diversion to his goals at hand, he guides her into the middle of the ballroom where couples move and sway to boringly dull orchestral music. Sensing his intentions, she releases his arm and Edgar takes the opportunity to pull her towards him, his hand resting reservedly on the curve of her waist as they stand in a ballroom dancing position. They meld perfectly into the crowd as they dance, becoming nothing more than two more faces in a nameless crowd; a perfect opportunity for discussions.

“You’re a curious girl. At a distinguished party for Cradle’s finest, and you’re here alone and already causing an uproar. Just what are you planning?”

She remains silent, simply keeping her eyes locked on his own as they move perfectly in sync with each other and the music, anyone watching their dance enraptured by the precision and perfection of their almost fluid-like movements. After a twirl, she leans in close as if having lost her balance, whispering discreetly, “Why would I tell the Jack of Hearts my reasoning for being here?”

Any other soldier would pale at their mission being uncovered, but Edgar simply chuckles, the sound almost delightful in a bone-chilling way. He wraps his arm tighter around her waist, holding her close enough for his hair to brush against and tickle her cheekbone as he whispers back, “So I know for sure what your objective is, and if it conflicts with my own.”

Edgar was expecting her lithe body to tense in his grip, her breathing to catch or at least shorten. Yet here she is, her eyes as calm and as emotionless as….as his own. It’s her turn to lean closer, to let the strands of hair that hang free from her partial updo brush against his skin, to hear her lips part to take in a breath before she whispers, her tone still calm despite the clear implications in her actions.

“White suit, red tie. In the far right corner. He’s who you’re after.”

“What--?”

Before he can even formulate a question, she pushes against his chest to free herself from his grip. He thinks to grab her and demand an answer to her cryptic clues, but thinks better of it; he’s already given himself more leeway on this mission than is necessary so any lead to reach his goal is one he will take advantage of. The woman, nameless and enigmatic, turns and walks back through the crowd, Edgar’s eyes lingering on her as she’s swept into the mass of people.

His eyes move to the corner of the room, a man in a pristine white suit and a blood red tie, his demeanour obvious to Edgar of his hushed whispers and failed attempts of being discreet.

(Got you.)

…

As Edgar leaves the building, his gloves removed and carefully disposed of, he can’t help but think back on the odd night that has occurred. Espionage was in play and he quelled any chance of it rearing its ugly head, enough of a reason to be satisfied, albeit in an empty, hardly fulfilling way. However, his way of obtaining the information he needed still sticks out in his mind.

Coming and going as quick as the wind, breathing a message to steer him towards his goal before leaving without a trace. Once again, she becomes just another faceless human in this hardly unique world. But for that brief moment, her individuality shone through, and Edgar couldn’t help but reflect on it.

(She knew who I was and what I was doing. If she was just guessing of my title as the Jack of Hearts, then I would have been liable to believe her...but she also knew who I was looking for.)

His delicate eyebrows furrow as his face is set in a hard frown, infuriatingly unable to reach a conclusion that makes any sense. Resigning himself to reaching no end to his stream of unanswerable questions, he sets off back to the Red Army headquarters, an odd feeling of relatability flickering softly in his chest.

For just a moment when that woman didn’t back down from his clear threat, when she just stood there and stared at him without an inkling of fear, he was reminded of himself; Edgar saw himself in her, this feeling of connecting with someone whose name he doesn’t even know foreign to the man who has been trained since birth to keep everyone at arm’s length. The thought makes him laugh, the sound melancholic and far from the feelings a laugh usually elicits.

(I’m not even worth the ground I walk on. My hands have caused so much strife that Hell likely has a seat reserved just for me.)

He smiles once again, the masquerade mask not the only concealment of the Jack’s true face. One final thought crosses his mind as he drifts off into the night.

(I’ll find you somehow, and then you’re going to tell me everything.)

[fangren]

even more Naruto thoughts!

(continued from this post.)

Kimimaro

-Kiba’s fight was the first to show the power difference, but the fight against bone guy was even more of that. this is probably the first time when seeing Naruto summoning a bunch of clones (foxed up clones at that!) only gives the impression that he’s about to get his ass kicked. which he does.

-Kimimaro’s bone stuff is way way grosser in the manga. but then again, what isn’t?

-and then the best guy arrives! Quickest Recovery Ever no Jutsu! at least the anime messes around with the order of events a bit to make Lee’s participation a bit more plausible.

-Lee just fucking... asking Kimimaro to stop in the middle of an attack so he can take his medicine and Kimimaro just fucking letting him... it’s very good.

-drunk Lee is also pretty good? even if he doesn’t stick around long. you can tell that Kimimaro is just like constantly ‘wtf?’ in his head.

The Sand Siblings

-their entrance is pretty fuckin badass! even if the still shot of it in the anime seems kinda... off?

-god damn is Temari a weapon of mass destruction. I weep for that stretch of forest, so many plants and animals must’ve died because of it.

her smile at the end is very much a shippy moment, even if she’s 16 and he’s only 13 this arc. but they don’t actually hook up until like right before Naruto’s wedding when they’re both in their early 20s, so...

-Kankuro is still the most ‘meh’ of the siblings, and he gets paired with the most ‘meh’ of the boys, so... At least his puppet combo was pretty cool. completely fuckin destroyed Sakon and Ukon, good riddance.

-I like Gaara and Lee’s interactions. it shows how far Gaara has already come, and that Lee doesn’t really hold grudges... it’s very good.

-Kimimaro’s backstory is just fuckin bullshit. I don’t care how powerful his fuckin kekkei genkai was or whatever, locking a kid in a jail cell with little interaction and like near minimal food is not a recipe for a superhuman killing machine. it’s the recipe for human veal.

-lil’ Kimimaro is pretty adorable, though. meeting Zabuza and Haku on the road and immediately falling for their ‘nah we’re not from Mist’ line; yelling at flowers; not really knowing what was ever going on... I’m surprised by how much I liked the kid.

-also his stage two dinosaur form is rad as hell. easily the best stage two form.

Sasuke vs Naruto, round two

-as I said, this arc is ultimately about Naruto’s heart breaking. and this fight is where it really happens...

-"That was not the kind of fight I wanted." the line is only really in the anime I think? but it perfectly sums up Naruto’s feelings on the first fight on the hospital roof.

-the Itachi flashbacks take on a whole different feel when you know that throughout them the Uchiha are planning a coup and Itachi is against it. and early on at least, you really get the feeling that Itachi very much loves his little brother.

-that doesn’t make the trauma and pushing him to get the Mangekyo by killing his best friend excusable though. even if I kinda remember something fucky going on with that that Madara or Tobi did? can’t really remember right now.

-the fact that Sasuke is very much ready to go along with it during the fight is fucked up, though. acknowledging someone as your best friend, and using that as a reason to kill them... that is hella fucked up.

-Naruto, meanwhile, is just... reminiscing about how he saw Sasuke as a kindred spirit but was unable to get close to him like he wanted, so he decided to call him his rival while secretly looking up to him... how he thought he’d finally become friends with Sasuke, only to now wonder if that had been just his delusion this whole time... and even then still wanting Sasuke in his life... it’s heartbreaking.

-in another world, with another Sasuke that didn’t suck... this really would be the start of a profound and mutual love between them. but it isn’t, cause Sasuke sucks.

-Naruto summoning the fox’s chakra was really badass, though, but in a somber way if that makes sense.

-the fight has some amazing progression, particularly in the anime (episode 133 is really well animated!) Sasuke having the upperhand until Naruto summons the same level of fox power as he’s been using up until this point and turning the tides, only for Sasuke to upgrade his sharingan and turn them back, and then Naruto finally gets his first tail, only for Sasuke to counter with his second state with the horrible hand-wings... it’s very well crafted, i think.

-ultimately, on Naruto’s end... whether it is as friends, or brothers, or something more, he absolutely does love Sasuke. which is why this arc is so heartbreaking.

-because Sasuke just keeps going off in a direction that Naruto can never meet. ‘the pain of loneliness makes people stronger, so I’m going to kill you and become even stronger.’

-and god damn if he doesn’t try. there’s a particularly brutal piledriver in the anime, and some good shots of Sasuke just looking completely terrified of what he’s doing even as he decides to do it anyway.

-though, ultimately, he decides to spare Naruto’s life - justifying it as a way of spiting Itachi, though of course there’s always the unspoken question of his own lingering feelings.

Epilogue

-I kinda wished we’d seen more of the team regrouping and finding out what happened. we never did hear what happened to Lee, even if it probably wasn’t much.

-I had thought this would be the first time Madara gets name-dropped considering where they were fighting, but I was wrong.

-Shikamaru’s shitty aspects rear their ugly head again... also, I don’t like all the focus on Temari’s legs during their scene.

-and, of course, Akatsuki! OG Zetsu’s first appearance, and a bunch of not-at-all accurate voices for the still-silhouetted other members. fun.

-I haven’t watched the start of Sakura’s apprenticeship with Tsunade in the anime yet (I think a good chunk of it is in filler episodes), but I still wanna talk about it cause it really is Sakura getting kinda shafted again. don’t get me wrong, going the medical route is very good for her, but ultimately ending up as little more than a copy of Tsunade’s moveset is not. especially considering how vastly different Sasuke and even Naruto ended up from their Sannin mentors. once again, Sakura deserves better.

that, finally, is all for now. I... might actually give the Part One filler hell a shot, or at least some of it anyway. but I doubt I’ll post any thoughts about it, so... consider this a bit of a hiatus from these long posts. I hope they haven’t been too annoying.

oh! one last thing I nearly forgot cause I’ve only seen it in the manga so far. but, well, there’s a very nice bit of NaruHina at the end of Part One, as Naruto is leaving with Jiraiya... just wanted to mention it :)

[allthecreepylittlethings]

Childhood Nightmares: A Pinocchio Analysis

(TW: Before reading this, please be aware that this blog will discuss triggering issues like abuse, neglect, and human trafficking. Please skip this post if any of these topics upset you.)

I probably don't need to explain too heavily why Pinocchio would be talked about on a blog dedicated to all things creepy and disturbing. But I'm going to anyways because I blocked out this movie for years over one particular scene that I'll get to in a second.

And before we go too far, I want to make clear this is purely focused on the Disney movie. My Grandpa did start to read the actual book to me as a kid but we never finished, unfortunately. I already know that the original source material for this movie was far darker, but maybe I'll save that for another time.

The strange thing about Disney's Pinocchio is that most people remember enjoying it as a kid and there was a lot of subject matter that didn't really affect them. Except for, again, that one scene, which is still coming later. What was weird to me as a kid, however, was the fact that my mom really didn't seem to like the movie and kept emphasizing that a lot of it was scary, especially if you're a parent. I sort of shrugged this off, thinking she was just being overly sensitive. My mom and I have always had different tolerance levels when it comes to horror or disturbing subject matter, after all (not to pick on her. I love my mom!).

But when you re-visit the movie as an adult, it becomes a different experience entirely. What might have seemed like a whimsical story about a puppet learning how to build up his moral compass becomes a scary story about neglect, abuse, manipulation, and just an ugly town with characters bent on taking advantage on naive kids. While I could write ballads about all of this, I'm just going to break it down as briefly as I can.

Geppetto is a terrible parent...

Now to be clear, Geppetto is not a bad person. From the start of the movie we see that he's a very sweet-hearted old man, insanely talented as a clock and toy maker, and has two pets he treats with complete adoration and affection. He is a genuinely good person.

We also see his genuine desire to be a good father to Pinocchio. When he is granted his wish from the Blue Fairy and finally has a little boy, he welcomes Pinocchio with open arms and celebrates with him. He plans to send Pinocchio right off to school so he can learn like all little kids should. All of those points are good things and his heart is clearly in the right place.

So what makes him such a terrible parent in this movie? His complete obliviousness to Pinocchio's real needs and being almost completely negligent to his son's wellbeing. From the start, it's obvious Pinocchio has no idea what being a living being entails. He doesn't understand why he shouldn't play with fire, asks why people need sleep at all, and doesn't understand what the words "right" and "wrong" mean. He is completely naive, new to the concept of being a living thing, and clearly needs some time to adapt and learn more about his new life before plunging headfirst into trying to be a normal child.

This doesn't happen. Instead, the very next morning after Pinocchio comes to life, Geppetto sends him right out the door to go to school, not only expecting Pinocchio to understand how to ignore strangers and know his way to the school all on his own, but he also anticipates the outside world to just turn a blind eye to the fact that a LIVING PUPPET is suddenly walking among them with zero explanation. Even in the magical universe that is Disney, someone's going to notice that, if not everyone. And it's likely to be a terrifying experience for them. Or, if they're more of the villainous type, it's the perfect opportunity to exploit this oddity. Which is exactly what happens. Really, nearly the whole plot of this movie could have been avoided if Geppetto had just used his head and thought about what he was doing.

Stranger Danger...

One of a parent's worst nightmares is their child disappearing without a trace. It's one of those horrible realities that people have to prepare for and take precautions to avoid. Unfortunately, Pinocchio is still brand new to the world and knows nothing about any of this (and as mentioned above, Geppetto did nothing to teach him). This makes him a very easy target before even addressing the fact that he's a freak of nature, bound to attract attention.

The fact that there are characters immediately ready to take advantage of him is terrifying, and it naturally doesn't take much to trick him. What makes it worse, however, is it happens more than once. The first time Pinocchio runs into Honest John, he gets tricked into being sold to Stromboli, an extremely angry and violent individual who locks Pinocchio in a cage and tells him that once he becomes old and useless, he'll be chopped into firewood.

Stromboli is the first instance in the movie of what could easily be described as the Disney-friendly version of human trafficking. And that's not to downplay the horrors of real human trafficking. Obviously a work of fiction does not compare to the real thing, especially when it's a children's cartoon. But let me elaborate a bit on my reasoning for labeling it as such. Even if Pinocchio isn't being sold for... well, what human trafficking usually sells its victims for, it's still a disturbing concept. He's taken from his home by force, locked up so there's no escape, and is intended to be forced to perform in front of people for the rest of his life, which will end in a violent manner.

He is given a second chance when the Blue Fairy rescues him, but almost immediately after, he gets tricked again by the same people who betrayed him the first time. Of course they promise that this time it'll be different and he won't suffer, and he falls for it. This could be reminiscent of the cycle of abuse (grooming, violence, apology, repeat), and I can't help but wonder that if Pinocchio was taught anything about manipulative liars and how to spot someone who means harm, would things have turned out differently?

Okay... I've stalled long enough, so let's get to...

That Scene...

If Honest John and Stromboli were only a minor reference to human trafficking, they barely hold a candle to The Coachman, who may arguably be one of the most evil villains featured in a Disney cartoon. As a kid, my mom used to talk about how she felt Stromboli was the scariest character of the movie, and while he definitely was unsettling for his brief screen time, he just didn't compare. Not by a long shot.

When we're first introduced to The Coachman, we know something's very wrong with this guy. The fact that Honest John immediately assumes he's being hired to perform a hit for him should be enough of a hint that this character is a monster.

Again, this feels like a heavy lead-in to human trafficking as the conversation takes place. He explains that he's looking for "stupid little boys" and wants Honest John to help lure them to him. After he explains he plans to then take the boys to Pleasure Island, he adds that he has no worries about the authorities catching on because, "They never come back as boys..." Obviously, you can assume that he doesn't mean exactly what this sounds like, but it's still frightening line that I'll explain further in a second.

Pleasure Island, despite what creepy images the name alone might plant in your head, is still a messed up place but for completely different reasons. Here, the kids are encouraged to binge drink beer, smoke cigars, smash and destroy anything they get their hands one, and basically just do whatever they want (and I will admit... that kinda looked fun when I was a kid). Underage drinking/smoking aside, they're lured into this false sense of security where they can be themselves without being punished, and the friendly Coachman encourages them all to do it. All the while, the children never notice the figures in black, shutting and locking the gates so there's no way they can get out. They're trapped and unable to realize it until it's way too late.

And then... that scene... Oh God, that scene...

We discover in one of the most horrifying scenes ever presented in a cartoon, that the children are being turned into donkeys to be sold to places like the salt mines or the circus. Even more upsetting is the ones that didn't fully complete the transformation are tossed into a pile on the side and deemed as useless. We never learn of their fate but I can only assume it's not good. Watching Lampwick discover what's happening to him and frantically screaming for his mother, all while knowing no one is coming to save him is a hard thought for even a kid to swallow.

What makes this scene so much worse as an adult is having that full understanding that the children are being robbed of their humanity through the transformation and just how awful of a concept that really is. This was always a horrifying concept to me to the point where I've never been able to watch The Dark Crystal more than once because of that goddamn podling scene, and I still struggle through Willow because of the pig scene. Since we still see emotions of fear and sadness coming from the donkeys as they're being sold off, it almost dips more into, "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream," territory. They know what's happening to them, but they'll never be able to call for help or tell anyone. Even if they were to somehow bump into their families later in life, they'll never be able to tell them, "Help! It's me! I'm still alive!" Again, this also feels eerily similar to human trafficking. They're robbed of their humanity, sold to the highest bidder, and silenced so they can never reach out for help.

"They never come back... as boys..."

Their only hope is that someone somewhere discovers what the Coachman is doing and puts a stop to it. But that never happens. There is no final comeuppance, no justice, the children are never saved, and The Coachman is likely still doing this long after the movie is over. I mean, we can hope Pinocchio or Jiminy alerted someone about this after they're safe at home again, but we ultimately never know if they did. Even after he reunites with Geppetto and gets asked what happened to him, he goes quiet and doesn't tell him and that's honestly heartbreaking when you think about the fact that he's a victim of trauma and just a child.

Now, I could write about Monstro and how terrifying that whale of a whale was, but he gets a pass because, unlike the other characters who played the villain, Monstro was just an animal. Not a vindictive, manipulative, horrible piece of garbage. Just an animal living as an animal would. If someone happened to get swallowed along the way, it wasn't entirely deliberate, it was because he was hungry. So while he is his own brand of nightmare fuel, it's not in the same way as the characters I've described above.

Looking back, I remember loving this film as a kid and thinking it was just another story of adventure where important lessons are learned along the way. But now that I'm older, a parent, and have had a bit more life experience, Pinocchio is not what I remembered it to be. I'm not saying I don't still love the movie. I do! In fact I've found more bits to love about it, re-watching it as an adult. But the thing is, it's far from a happy movie. Just because it has a happy ending does not mean it's a happy movie. Pinocchio embarks on a horror story of being manipulated, used, imprisoned, nearly killed several times, being made to watch as new friends are subjected to a cruel fate, and only barely managing to make it home alive. And again, he's just a child. He single-handedly goes through a gauntlet of horrors most adults will never see in their entire lifetime, just in the span of a few days.

I don't know what sort of adult he ultimately grew up to become, but I wouldn't doubt that this misadventure messed him up for a long time.