#i love that it costs like. £20 its so funny u can do it in 5 minutes its like its so easy its so funny

[obsob]

legally changed my name today!!!!!!!!!!!!! weeeee

[ghostiiess]

[NSB HEADCANONS] - buying halloween stuff with seb

pov: title says it all

warnings: lot of flirty, dad jokes, mention of skeleton and fake blood? i think that’s all? Let me know if there’s more!

type: fluff!

member: sebastian moy from nsb

Taglist! (Open! Send an ask if you’d like to be in it!) : @nsb-rkive @kentisbaby @firebenderwolf @hyuneee0 @yawnzzznnn @ghostyycat7

Bold can’t be tagged.

REBLOGS AND LIKES ARE VERY APPRECIATED!

So you guys decided to go to target to buy more halloween stuff for your apartment

“C’mon baby, our apartment NEEDS to look spooky! Otherwise, how the city will know we love halloween?!”

So you guys decided to go buy more (uneessary) decorations to make the Halloween spookier

I say uncessary bc u guys really didn't need all of that 😭

(More under the cut!)

I am sure that seb’s moto was once “yolo”

even though its not his favorite holiday, he still love it!

No bc he is spending his money like there’s no tomorrow

He said it’s to make you happy but ngl i think it’s more to make HIM happy...

Even more if he can pass it with you <3 how cute

ANYWAYS!!

So you guys went to target and right as you guys both entered, seb saw pumpkins

Which mean!! More pumpkins, more cooking with him (wait at Christmas when I’ll drop a cooking headcanon with him), more cutie stuff with him!

“OMG Y/N!! DID YOU SEE ALL THE PUMPKINS?!”

Yes, we did seb, thank you

He is becoming a kid all over again lmao

And it’s not even Christmas! 🤣

He would buy every little themed-fall candles he see

“WDYM???? It’s for ambience!!”

Seb would be the type to say ‘i won’t buy that much, i don’t need a shopping basket’ then ends up saying after 5 minutes ‘ok i need a shopping basket’

Lol, you now have 20 ambience for your apartment 💀

Also, he would buy halloween snacks

“YOU NEVER TASTED THESE HALLOWEEN COOKIES?!! Y/n, are you sure you are living in the same world as me, bc these cookies has been really popular since 2020”

He would hold your hands 🫶🏻 and this is amazing

“What? I can’t hold my girl’s pretty hand while shopping?”

Also, he would talk about random stuff while checking the prices

Ngl, he would put a lot of stuff in his shopping basket, then says “wait, this is kinda ugly” after like 5 minutes, then put the stuff he took on random places in the store

“Baby, do you think we should make pumpkin pie this week? DAMNNNN why is this decoration cost $40?!”

“We could be smashing the pumpkins while listening to the smashing pumpkins!! (the music group)”

He think he’s funny (he is)

“Do you think the group like to smash pumpkins while listening to their songs?”

Ngl, idek if Seb know this group since all he listen is the weeknd (no hate to him, i like his songs alright, the weeknd's a great artist)

He would be the type to say “wow, that is so cute!”, check the price and says “wow, this is so ugly!”

Boy act like he doesnt have a thousand of dollars in his bank account 🙄

Btw, Seb would make dad jokes

« Hey babe, guess where the ghost went for his vacation? »

Then you’re like « idk… » and he’s like : 😮😏

« To Mali-boo! (Malibu) »

Now, this is the moment where you either laugh or cry

You decide

« baby, do you know what's a ghost's favorite play? It’s Romeo and Ghoul-iet!! »

😐😐😐

Thank you Seb, we really appreciate it

Thanks for making us laugh ig

« wait, baby, do you know how cute we would be if we were Romeo and Juliet this year? »

« I’d be your Romeo and you’d be my Juliet »

« And I’d even give you the flower like in the movie with the weird frog »

He is talking about Nanette and this is not okay bc Nanette is like the coolest characters, why is this character so funny like-

Also, Seb would buy spooky stuff

AND THIS MAN WOULD LAUGH

And also jumpscares you

« omg, you should have seen your face!! You were shocked as hell, omg wow! Should have take a picture »

He would try to make you laugh by talking to the decoration

Also, he would see fake blood and he would literally be 😐 « i remember when you wanted to do a prank with fake blood and accidentally cut yourself so your hands had both fake and real blood… aaah funny times.. »

Like, he would see a skeleton and says « hey man, i don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but… you forgot to put your clothes on »

WDYM FUNNY TIMES LMAO, WE ALMOST CUT OUR HANDS AND HE’S SAYING ITS FUNNY LMAOO

Also, Seb would dance to the Halloween music in the store

« eeehh it’s our song, my love! »

« Why are you not dancing with me? »

When it was time to pay… oh god 🤦🏻‍♀️

apparently his card is acc working, but just know that his card used to declined every single time when he was going shopping with the boys

I am not even kidding, like Seb had like 4 cards a day just to make sure one was working

The total was $300 and 17 cents HELP

So guess who paid for all the Halloween decoration that your man bought? It’s you...

i am sorry, babe.

« I promise, my love!! I will buy the dinner and others things to compense the amount of money I’ve spent »

No bc this man agreeded to do that with you on if he was the one paying it (he convinced you with that and also said « you’ll never have to buy things when you’re with me »)

When he came back home and started installing the things, he accidentally broke your Halloween mug

« Oops…. »

RIP the $30 mug… ☕️

He just want the best for you, that’s all

He quickly went back to target and bought another one (he stole kane's money)

he didn’t even told you that he broke one, don’t tell him i am the one who snitched him 🫣

And he also bought more Halloween candies because there is never enough Halloween candies for him

And he also bought ramen bc yummy 😋

This headcanon is already super long, but shopping with Seb is either super relaxing, super cute and fun, or super dangerous and you guys are this close to be kicked out of the store 🥰 it cannot be another choice, it’s either one or two

Happy Halloween with your boyyyy, Sebastian moyyyy (if u have the ref i love u)

[matrixonvhsanddvd]

Here's my set up!

In England most ppl do use roll ups. U tend to find that ppl who only smoke straights (pre rolled) are older ppl, ppl who have more money and ppl who don't smoke often enuff to bother. A packet of straights can last a really long time and will keep better than a packet of baccy (loose tobacco) as there's less to dry out.

I use a rolling tin because i cant roll freehand for shit no matter what (and im a handy person, its just too fiddly for me), it's easier to do while walking and i have physical difficulties. It's rare that i see anyone else use a tin, i only started because my bff did! It's not uncommon for ppl to use a rolling machine tho, which is like a tin that's been reduced to just the liner and..rolling pins?

Tins are no more expensive than a good rolling machine and tend to last longer. I prefer to change the liner when it dies rather than but a new one tho. They can be annoying to clean if u care about that but they're useful in that they can hold ur supplies! And put stickers on :3

A packet of tobacco is usually about 30g for £12-17 (tho average is about £14) now from a regular supermarket. It did used to be less before the recent inflation :( a 20 pack of pre rolls is about the same price. To give u an idea of how much more cost effective roll ups are than straights; a 20 pack currently would last me 2-4 days (IV had to cut down coz i have no money lol but this is numbers only, not counting factors like poverty) and 30gs of baccy would last me 2-3 weeks.

It's still common to see empty cigarette packets littering places and u will occasionally see a tobacco packet. They're all decorated now with warnings and warning images due to the law, all packets. They have different warnings and related pictures they get used but I'm not sure how often new ones are added? This one is my favourite atm for sure:

It's also useful to at least have the ability and resources to make a roll up if ur ever desperate/smoke drugs. Old fags on the floor can be picked up and u can squeeze any unsmoked baccy out into a bag to use for a Frankenstein roll up. I tend to find certain brands of straight cigarettes only get half smoked ?? Very good pickings if ur bottom of the food chain.

Its also easier to roll a spliff if u can...roll lol (spliff as i know it to be is a regular fag sized roll up with a blend of baccy and weed) and any other combo of smoking materials (other drugs, herbs etc).

On community culture (i promise this is the last bit), rolling sumone a fag is way more intimate and thotful than just handing em a straight (tho depending on ur Poverty Status™ it may be difficult to accept a straight due to their higher value). There's also the act of passing on the rest of ur fag to another person, usually towards the end of its life. Here that's called, 'twos'. So itd be, 'can i have 2s?' or, 'u can have 2s if u want?' which is a fun word for it i think!

Sorry to ramble but i figured ud be interested and i enjoy teaching ppl about menial things like this lol

----------------------------------------

Holy fuck thank you so much for detailing all this to me, I was honestly really happy reading all of this because it interested me so much. It's funny to me still how the demographic for rolling cigs here is usually the polar opposite lol, it seems its always people who are a lot older who enjoy rolling them up more than just buying a pack of straight cigs.

Also I absolutely love the pack you showed off of course, I'm always a sucker for the ones with "gore" on them, but also I've just never seen a tobacco pack before so that's really sick, thank you!

I guess if someday I'm ever down in England for some reason, I will be very caught up on smoking culture at least. Thank you again for sharing lol

[sakkac]

self-indulgent rewrite for obey me! detective event

if i could rewrite the detective event for obey me, i would have MC as a rumored great detective like in the original, and diavolo makes the request of them to look for the key, but add that satan is a pissbaby, as subtly as he can be, abt this arrangement. he’s the self-declared greatest detective in all of devildom (ever since ch 11), and suggests that someone may have taken the key, bc diavolo is the prince and everyone besides the transfer students are devils, lmao. no one takes into the idea, and the brothers tire of satan yelling out repeatedly “only one version of the events is ever true!” when they rlly are just looking for a fucking key and not solving a murder this time, so they all gladly help MC instead and elect to ignore/bully satan. mammon eats it up, bc now he can be one of the Accepted Brothers instead of the victim, and get revenge on satan (but, mammon’s insults kind of suck bc hes not used to being on the other end lol). satan temporarily declares himself MC’s enemy as a result, but also somehow, begrudgingly, becomes their partner during the course of the event. at the peak of this, satan still gets to find the feather and puts it in their hair btw. the rest is basically the same, just w more satan acting as a detective instead of Shut Up Mammon, except for the end of the event.

after finding the key and getting the treasure chest as reward, satan asks MC to meet him, alone. he apologizes for acting so desperate, bc he just wanted to be a detective, like inspector adler of “the mid-fall murders,” and got carried away. he admits that he had fun being partners w MC, tho, and asks, if he’s right abt what’s hidden in the treasure chest, if they’d allow him the pleasure of being their plus one. ofc, the brothers all barge in and interrupt, “what do you mean, plus one?? and what makes YOU think you know what’s inside?” MC opens it while the brothers argue, and finds the tea party invite. lucifer laughs and says it’s v like diavolo to do things like this, and suggests the brothers and MC should all go to it together, before everyone starts arguing again. during this time, MC finds satan’s gaze on them and they open their mouth to ask if his hunch was right, but he makes a shushing motion and smiles, and the event ends with that.

tldr if i could rewrite the obey me! detective event, i would make satan 666x more annoying bc he deserves to be seen like that, in addition to the “safest choice” idea devs pin on him

[blanket-hole]

Im calling this the faberry files cos I feel like a spy when I'm really just very gay

This is just basically timestamps of every faberry moment I could find as I was rewatching season 1-3. I don't know if anyone wants to see it but I just put it here cos why not. I wasn't really planning on posting it but here we are so it features my gay ass commentary. Anyway there u go.

gay ass looks-

-1x04- so far I’ve seen a gay ass look Quinn gives Rachel at 35:36

-1x05-39:50-not that gay but a little bit, also long

-1x09-43:02 she looks so adoring

-1x10-during endless love

-1x11-9:37 voiceover is mean but just look at those eyes and tell me I’m wrong,34:00 she literally looks so adoringly I can’t

-1x12-10:41 pretends not to see her only to look straight (or not) at her

-1x15-35:02 they’re even talking about love at the time and sitting weirdly close for enemies

-1x16-41:30 

-1x20-43:06 I can’t really see where she’s looking under those long ass lashes but I think when Rachel does that little giggle she stares at her while smiling, might just be Faberry goggles tho

-1x22-9:05 I think thats like the cutest smile my little gay heart, 14:23 Quinn is fully checking her out rn like not even subtle they’re on stage

-2x04 16:12, 41:48 at Rachel singing

-2x07-23:19 that could in no way be regarded as a platonic look of enjoying the song, especially since its just started 

-2x09- 43:04 part of dog days but its just so cute them holding hands also weird since they are still meant to hate each other lol

-2x10-6:03 this could just be my Faberry goggles but im counting it :D, 31:20 staring at Rachel while she looks sad

-2x11-11:04 could be at puck but she was looking at Rachel before when they were further apart so imma take the w also Diana looks really cute in this bit

-2x16- 4:27 is being kinda mean but also the way she looks at her <3<3<3 :DD also 5:21 if u don’t want to wait through a bit of a scene and the look then is suuuuper gay, 43:17 she looks so proud of her girlfriend :DDDDD

-2x18-52:49 she looks like such a proud girlfriend in this bit

-2x21-1:29 its only a quick look from Quinn tho

-3x06-28:26 Quinn gives Rachel the GAYEST lingering look at the end of the song (unless my eyes deceive me but I don’t think they do cos I’ve checked like 3 times :DDD)

-3x07- 25:00 this is possible the outright gayest look from Quinn ive ever seen, its during one of the songs but I had to put it in

-3x08- 41:10 the look of joy on Quinns face when Rachel touches her shoulder is just pure gay energy

-3x14- 17:27 ‘for the rest of my life’ looks at Quinn, ffs just get married already, 24:07 she literally bites her lip like wth how is this not canon

-3x19- 39:08 kind of but Quinn looks really happy when he says Rachel Berryand its so cute

Scenes together-

-before I had this idea- the “eavesdrop much” talk, and a couple of other things e.g. the ru Paul scene and the sweetie scene. 

-1x05-41:59 during somebody to love weird foot tap thing

-1x06- 18:34 gay ass looks as well, 22:58

-1x07-21:45, 28:53 (the you obviously have a lot you need to express scene), 32:07 they just get wierdly closer for no reason

-1x09-26:09 not much but still

-1x13-3:06, 11:01

-1x15-34:18 sitting really close together next to each other when they’re meant to not like each other?

-1x20-5:42 they also sit really close and a bit of gay staring

-2x02 35:40 (on left of stage next to mike) they’re seen really close and talking, 38:55 standing unreasonably close and also in weird positions for a conversation, 31:28 Quinn looks really sad when Rachel sings to Finn (could also be a Fuinn thing tho so idk)

-2x04 28:11

-2x08-9:44

-2x13- 30:51

-2x14-8:19 its shortcut the level of gay panic on Quinns face is enough for its own spot

-2x15-0:03 how closeted is it to be the only two in the celibacy club fighting over a guy that neither of them want or need lmao I just think its really funny

-2x16-9:31 the level of gay panic on racehls face when she says she’s right is just a mood, 22:27 I think this is  a scene about miscommunication and Quinn blatantly states that she thinks Rachel is much better than Finn and that she believes in her I have a lot of feelings about this scene but ill leave it at that

-2x17-16:20

-2x18-2:38 not much tho, 10:53 they’re being civil and touchy feely also leads into pretty/unpretty, 21:50 when it pans to Quinn it makes it seem like it would be a Fuinn jealousy scene but she doesn’t look jealous at all just a bit sad i think she possibly is worried about Rachel and while she understands (which is why she’s helping) she wants her to feel beautiful in her own skin sorry if I read a bit too far in lol

-2x20-29:42, 33:12, 35:30 I love how finn last episode said Quinn was so closed off with her feelings and then this scene like maybe she can be herself around Rachel idk

-3x01-10:57 Skank Quinn fully checks Rachel out as she’s leaving in this scene also right after a scene where she said she’s not interested in the boys

-3x05-22:55 talking about finchel tho

-3x08-0:00, 21:54, 37:48

-3x11-14:28,20:00 is also a gay ass look but shes talking to Rachel so I put it here

-3x12-13:09 she only taps Rachel tho

-3x13-15:43 Quinn is acting like the stereotypical ‘gentleman’ and its very Faberry canon esque, to put it the best can

-3x14-34:28 this scene I just can’t the way Quinn lights up when she see her and her voice softens a bit and what she said this is the gayest scene no-one can explain it it a hetero way just ahh

-3x15-10:28 they’re holding hands :DD

-3x19-31:48 

-3x22-23:12 those tickets cost so much money I swear they should have been way better friends after high school pft, 40:15 Quinn looks so proud of her girlfriend

Possible scenes, could be just drama-

-1x09-29:27 could be at Rachel

-2x10-12:40 kind of about being sad about Finn but could be jealousy?

-2x16- 34:47 could be about Faberry but is framed as finchel or fuinn

-2x17- 37:28 probably just finchel drama but still Faberry jealousy

-2x18-17:16 they say how they’re ‘fighting about Rachel again’ and Im putting it in idc about finchel :DD

-2x19- 23:19 more about Fuinn like always in this category but Faberry jealousy

-2x22-2:27, 3:29, 8:25 finchel/fuinn/faberry jealousy

Sitting really close when they’re meant to not like each other-

-1x15-34:18 

-1x19-32:33 

-1x20-19:16 in the scene Quinn kinda checks her out but then they stand really close so I put it here

-2x02 23:24 sits really close to Rachel when she dresses in her Britney Spears costume and in the scene Quinn looks like she’s purposefully trying not to look at her and at 29:20 Quinn chose to sit right behind Rachel again, 39:52 seen sitting right behind her again

-2x10- 35:03 standing really close when it would make a difference if Quinn stood anywhere else (e.g. next to her friends or boyfriend) I just think its weird lol

-2x15- 6:28 (before Quinn starts plotting against Rachel, they’re in celibacy club together but all they do is argue so its still a bit weird)

-3x07- 4:54

I dont know where to put this-

-2x17- 35:10 they kinda just look a bit nervous and small interaction I just wanted to add this because I thought it was cute the way they moved around each other idk

-2x20- 14:46 Rachel knows Quinns eyes so well she knows the flower and colour of the ribbon (also gardenias are for secret love which it would surprise me if Rachel already knew)

-3x04-20:26 Rachel isn’t sitting near her boyfriend or anyone she’s even really friends with its a bit weird that shed be sitting in the corner right next to Quinn away from the other chairs

Songs- Ive probably missed a bunch of these but I tried lmao-

-somebody to love

-halo

-ride with me

-no air

-keep holding on

-bust a move

-proud Mary

-crazy in love

-imagine- there is a gay ass look

-you can’t always get what you want

-dont rain on my parade

-my life would suck without you

-gives u hell

-hello goodbye

-like a prayer

-home(kind of)

-give up the funk

-any way you want it

-faithfully

-dont stop delieving 

-Empire State of mind

-ice ice baby

-toxic

-damn it Janet

-time warp

-sweet transvestite

-start me up/living on a prayer

-hot patootie

-forget you

-umbrella/singin in the rain

-I think I wanna marry you

-just the way you are

-ive had the time of my life

-Valerie

-the Dog days are over

-the most wonderful day of the year

-welcome Christmas

-heads will roll/thriller

-fat bottomed girls

-sing

-blame it on the alcohol

-tik tok

-do you wanna touch

-afternoon delight

-get it right

-loser like me

-pretty/unpretty

-born this way

-pure imagination

-New York New York

-Fix you

-last Friday night

-hit me with your best shot/one way or another

-I cant go for that/ you make my dreams

-I kissed a girl

-feed the world

-summer nights

-we found love

-gotta be starting something

-Im sexy and I know it

-stereo hearts (not technicaly but a lot of Faberry so I’m putting it in)

-fly/I believe I can fly

-heres to us

-its not right but its okay

-its all coming back to me now

-paradise by the dashboard light

-we are the champions

-tongue tied

-you get what you give

[etherealskeletons]

i hate my uncle i say that often but its something that needs to be said a lot bc hes such a nasty disgusting fat fucking roach. me and dad get into a few [minor] car accident back in july/august and insurance gives us a lil bit of money to fix the cars up and this piece of shit is always up my dads ass asking if he got the money yet because he wants all of it and feels entitled to it [for whatever reason] like bitch what the fuck??? fuck off???

fixing the car was a bitch and cost some moneys i wanna use whatevers left to fix dads fucked up teeth - he needs fuckin.. $2500 worth of work done bc he hasnt gone to the dentist in 20+ years and everyone knows this my dad is very vocal about how he needs work done before he loses anymore teeth and this drug addicted loser is like “SO YOU GOT THAT MONEY YET????” and is open about how he loves to waste tons of fucking money at the casino and my dad is fucking stupid and irritating i love him but jesus christ he makes me wanna throw shit at him for being so fucking stupid

he had his mail for the cars sent to this bitches house so deans tearing open all the mail we get from state farm or the state or just literally any fucking piece of mail that has either of our names on it with hopes that theres gonna be a check inside he can cash in illegally - and what makes me upset is he got away with this before!!!! hed do this with my grandparents all the time and didnt get in trouble, and like a year or so ago he opened my dads mail in the past and found a $60 check from the storage guys and did check fraud and pocked the money for himself im!!! hhf!!! im sitll mad about it bc his excuse was “haha oops sowwry~ i caved~ can i have smore moneyyy~? pweaaaseee uwu??”

nd my dad would fuckin GIVE him money behind my back even after promising me he wouldnt, hed say shit to his piece of shit brother like "haha if she finds out shes gonna be soooo mad~ ill get in sooo much trouble~~ we cant make a habit of thisss~” and would LAUGH when id get so fuckin upset that hed break our promise and send lots of money over to his begging bastard brother bc its funny when im mad and having a meltdown ig!!!! now hes like “idk why u dont trust me like im gonna do it again and again like i did all the time in the past omg i said i wouldnt do it this time and i actually mean it so stop freaking out ://” and he keeps promising that this time is gonna be different but idk i just cant trust it fully,, and that sucks i hate that i cant trust him but hes the one who would do this bullshit behind my back and would laugh when id literally be having a big fuckin meltdown and would be like “omgg i didnt think youd get THIS upset” even though itd happen over,, and over,, nd over,, with the same results every time :^)

its just!!!! ANNOYING,,!!!!!! i hate that everyone ignores the elephant in the room that hes a 60+ year old leech and a drug/gambling/prostitute addict i hate that hes related to me i hate that im close to him that were in the same state that he knows exactly where i live bc he could come and harass me for money like old times i jsut!!!! i fuckignfd!!!!!

i hate everything i hate everyone i hate hate hate im jus!! mean little bastard that doesnt like anything or anyone

[rainingspellforlove]

shouldn’t have

hi im back with another fic >< but it’s eunhae’s uwu. read this while listening to raining spell for love to experience more angst ;;-;; enjoy my first eunhae’s  fic and my first angst fic! 

listen to raining spell for love : 

https://open.spotify.com/track/7j4r8X575ZnyWk0jkukNp7?si=irOj7OmgRFynzGCaL754dg

It's been so wrong. Hyukjae always feels it so wrong. But he did loving him. He's already falling deep. But now it cant be anymore. This is impossible. He shouldn’t have loved him from the start. He knew he's always been wrong for having this feeling. He knew  it will  break himself someday. He knew he will be in this state of the worst heartbreak ever. But how can he (un)love this angel? He had already fallen. Fallen for him too deep.The fact he's been in love for his one and only best friend is already hurting. The one who's been always with him from his early days until now.   But now, he's shattered. 

Hyukjae and donghae still been friends till now. 20 years old friendship. They had been known each other since their middle school days. it’s been so long. They went through a lot till today. They overcome all of their problems together and they depend on each other a lot. Everyone will say they have their unique friendship. They always been so close and too many things that only of them understand. They’re just too close. They had many similarities in their own way. People said that it’s too much similarities for them to have and their chemistry is so unbelievably amazing. It’s like they are naturally meant for each other. Just like a pair of shoes. 

It’s so natural and a common thing to say they always crash at each other’s houses. That was before eunhyuk moved back to the dorm. back then donghae always comes to eunhyuk’s apartment almost everyday. and vice versa. but it mostly donghae who asked to come or donghae just comes to eunhyuk’s without notice. They always been like this. Donghae who likes skinships a lot while eunhyuk just lets donghae do whatever to him. Maybe some people will think that their moments are just fanservice but thats just how they are. they’re just being the way they are. 

They always rely on each other a lot actually. They almost didnt keep a secret between each other. they knew each other too well more than any other members. They even knew each other’s individual schedule or events. like who who will eunhyuk meet after this, or what will donghae do tomorrow, those kind of stuffs. every lil things they did, they always knew for each other. they are just unbelievably close. 

But who knows, one of them is really falling. It’s too much for him to receive these affections alone. He always keeps it cool but deep inside he might explode. It's already long enough for hyukjae to love him since then. The way he keeps hiding his feelings for himself. Not telling anyone about it. Imagine hiding this stupid feeling alone for the closest person  in this fucking world. He did suffering for himself. He always keeps it for himself. He didnt want to ruin this freaking long friendship just because of this dumb feeling. Donghae loves skinships so much. Like soooo much. He always touchs hyukjae unconsciously. At first, hyukjae always gets used to it when donghae did sudden hugs or held his hand. He already gets used to it. it’s been 20 years ofcourse he must get used to it. Donghae is indeed a clingy person so he always clings into hyukjae unconsciously like a habit. That’s a problem actually. Hyukjae actually didnt mind it at all when donghae being such a clingy ass but sometimes he cant handle that. 

Actually there’s one time he cant handle it. That time when they did a comeback for D&E, they did a blueroom live. Then they talked about their nicknames for each other. When they talked abt donghae’s nickname “haeknojam” then donghae starts to kiss hyukjae’s hand suddenly while laughing like an idiot  and he did it twice! in a fucking live broadcast. Hyukjae always keeps his cool and just lets donghae did it. he just said “Aniyoo” for times responding to donghae. That time actually, his heart almost explode. He thought why he did these in a live broadcast. and why did he kiss hyukjae’s hand?  hyukjae still cant figure it why he did it. that time after filming, donghae just acts like nothing happened. but hyukjae deep inside was flustered as hell but of course he acts like usual. Being playful and stuffs. Donghae just being himself too, being random and stuffs. Donghae always like this. It’s just hyukjae who’s been dazed and confused all the time. That time hyukjae tried so hard to calm his self down by jumping and dancing all the time. When donghae comes to ask,

“Hyukjae-ya, why are you practicing at this time, our schedule just ended right?”

“O-Oh i just wanna get myself sweaty,, i feel like my body stiffen, so yeah i keep practicing”

“Yeokshi uri d&e leader. dont push yourself too hard. promise me you will rest after this, okay?” he handed hyukjae a towel and  circling it into his neck while then keep wiping his sweat in hyukjae’s cheeks with that towel

“u-uhm of course. thanks”

“youre welcome always, my E oppa~~ chat me when you arrive at the dorm okay? lets go home” replied him while smiling 

“okay i will...”  

then donghae went to the car and went home. hyukjae feels his knees are gone then he sat on the floor.

“why he keeps confusing me...... sigh”

day after day of their promotions went well. At the end of the promotions, donghae was not like his usual self. It’s not he completely different person but he’s less clingy. and he often checks his phone and sometimes smiling while looking at his phone. Hyukjae thought maybe donghae looked at some funny things on his insta but thats just weird because he’s being too often looking at the phone. then he often picks up his phone outside it’s like he hides something from hyukjae. It’s not usual for him to do that. He always picks up his calls in front of hyukjae but not right now. It’s been weeks he did that, but actually hyukjae didnt care at all. Maybe he had something that is really his privacy. so he didnt think about it too much. But, day by day passed and it’s been 1 month already. He still being like that. When hyukjae came to his apartment, actually donghae asked him to come but donghae keeps being on the phone.  It’s not the real hyukjae if  he hadnt been curious. He was curious as hell. At first he keeps resisting himself not to be curious but maybe he cant after all. When hyukjae prepared the food he bought for donghae, donghae suddenly put his phone and went to shower. Hyukjae hesitated at first but he didnt care so he went quick to the table and looked at donghae’s phone. He enters the passwords (actually he knew it because donghae already told him when they went to a drive together, donghae cant open the phone because he focused on driving so he asked hyukjae to reply his mother’s message) and checked his kakao and insta. then he found one person other than him and his family in his pinned chats in his kakao. Then he opened the messages. 

Hyukjae never been so speechless before, it’s the first time. It turned out that person is donghae’s lover. He looked at those sweet messages and actually this saturday is their 3 months. they talked about how they can meet at saturday. it’s not just how his heart breaks in pieces. the fact he didnt tell him about it at all. and it’s been 3 months. how... hyukjae thought maybe if donghae told him, he can be prepared at anytime... 

“i thought we keep no secrets... but this is actually my fault too. i did have secret. so i deserved this.”

“but it hurts like hell what the fuck....” then hyukjae put donghae’s phone back to its place.  and tears keep falling without hyukjae realized himself. then he took his bag and left the food prepared for donghae. He left the house and cried on the way to the dorm. Hyukjae left a message to donghae via kakao.

Donghae who came out the bathroom after showering, becomes flustered. 

“Hyukjae ya, how’s the food is it good?”

no answer,,

“Hyukjae, where-” 

then he got notif from hyukjae 

“sorry i left first, i have something to do. I already prepared the tteokbokki. Have a good meal”

Donghae was so confused but he ate the tteokbokki anyway. he still didnt feel something strange..

few days after that, super junior have a schedule together for an interview. It’s so obvious that hyukjae tried so hard to avoid donghae at all cost. He distants himself from donghae and avoid donghae’s affections. He tries to keep it cool and still jokes around to the members. but he only avoids donghae. when donghae tries to talk to hyukjae after the interview ends, hyukjae keeps telling him he must go home. then donghae holds hyukjae’s hand

“Lee hyukjae, whats wrong with you? you’re obviously avoiding me? did i do something wrong?”

“N-no at all. you’re just touching me too much.”

“but i always did these to you,and you’re okay with that”

“yes but right now it’s not. okay good bye i must go right now. let go”

“just tell me why... please...”

“you didnt need to know”

then hyukjae pulls his hand harder and finally donghae let him go. donghae becomes frustrated himself. 

Leeteuk who saw this on the back feels there’s something wrong with these two... 

Hyukjae becomes so distant from donghae day by day, but no one notices it. it’s just donghae who feels something wrong but hyukjae will never tell him why. the members didnt feel it weird either because the atmosphere while being together as full members still feel lively. It didnt sound wrong at all. but only leeteuk who feels something weird. leeteuk who sees them quietly when in a dressing room, donghae didnt talk to hyukjae at all. hyukjae too, he didnt intend to talk to donghae at all. hyukjae always talks to kyuhyun or yesung in their leisure time. and donghae who hangs out with siwon all the time. it feels natural. but it feels weird too. then leeteuk asks donghae to come outside...

“Hey whats wrong?” leeteuk asks

“Me? im fine? why hyung asks that?”

“hyukjae. seems like you both not in a good terms recently”

“oh that. i dont know either” 

“ask him then what you did wrong”

“i have. but he said i didnt need to know?! he’s weird as fuck. how can i know what i did wrong while he’s being childish like that”

“hmmm, maybe you hide something and he did feeling betrayed or stuff? it may happen. those things always happen right for us”

“ah... maybe i know.....” 

then donghae rushed to hyukjae. 

“we need to talk”

“there’s nothing to talk about”

“hyukjae please.” 

“let me go”

“lee hyukjae... please”

“fine. i’ll give you 5 minutes”

“you saw my phone right?”

“thats- yeah i didnt mean to but yes i saw that you actually had a lover”

“thats why you’re mad?”

“yes? ofcourse? i feel betrayed you didnt tell me at all. i thought we’re close enough to tell about those kinda stuffs” (actually there’s not the only reason donghaeya.....)

“im about to tell you that night actually.. sorry for not telling you, im afraid that youre uncomfortable with this... pls forgive me okay”

“i-im okay for those kinda stuffs. im happy for u bro actually. but it’s just i feel sad you didnt tell me..”

“ so you forgive me?”

“hm maybe?” hyukjae still feels uncomfortable with this, its like he didnt want to see this fucking handsome angelic face in front of him anymore

then donghae becomes so happy and hugs him rightaway. hyukjae quickly tries to let go of him. 

“alright alright, let me go. lets just go home okay” donghae smiled happily after he heard he already been forgiven. but hyukjae still pretending. he pretends that it’s all okay for donghae for having a lover. but he’s not okay at all.

hyukjae forgives him but he cant face him actually and pretends to be fine all the time. everytime he meets donghae, he just feels uncomfortable. it didnt feel the same. hyukjae cant see him the same as before. hyukjae still keeps his cool and lets donghae did his skinships to him freely but deeply inside he is hurting. one day, he went to the building’s rooftop to get some fresh air in the middle of their schedule. Leeteuk suddenly comes to him.

“hyukjae ya....”

“oh whats wrong hyung?”

leeteuk doesnt say a word but immediately hugs him and pats his hair.

“i know it’s been hard”

hyukjae is flustered why he did this...

“hard? what do you mean hyung? hahaha”

“you loved him, am i right?”

“him?”

“eish stop pretending to be fine. i knew you two fights few days ago then you told him it was because he didnt tell you about his lover, it’s not the only reason right?”

“so you knew......”

“jtub told me that donghae already had a lover, donghae didnt tell me at first haha then he admitted it himself after then.”

“oh right.”

“what will you do then after this?”

“i dont know.. i cant keep pretending all the time. it hurts me to see his face it’s like i wanna punch him”

“even you loved him you want to punch him? lol”

“yes i hate that idiot smile of his until i want to-”

“kiss him so bad?”

“HYUNG”

“okay okay hahaha im kidding”

“but... sometimes i think of that too but ofcourse i wont do it” 

“he kissed your hand in a live broadcast why wont you?”

“no way i would kiss him first. its just me who had this feeling. he never feel the same, he just likes to play with me. its confusing”

then hyukjae silents for a bit

“hyung.. is it okay for me to go for a while? i kinda want to distract myself for  a while”

“its okay hyukjaeya. i respect all of your decisions as long as youre happy with it”

“ehm, it hurts so much seeing him these days. he keeps calling with his lover while there is me there in his house. thats fucking hurts. i cant do this anymore hyung. it’s like i wanna punch him for real. i hate having this feeling from the start.. i-i- *sobs*” hyukjae cried in leeteuk’s embraces. he cried so hard that time. 

“shussh shussh it’s okay hyukjae.. it’s a natural thing for us to fall in love. it’s not our fault to fall in love in the first place.”

“heuk- heuk- but i hate feeling this way. i hate myself” hyukjae still sobbing

after crying for so long, leeteuk’s shirt becomes so wet then leeteuk just laughs

“how can you hide those red eyes hahaha”

“right..... i dont know......”

“here i bring sunglasses lol just go home after this okay, so the members wont be suspicious haha”

“thank you so much hyung.... youre the best” 

“nah its always been my job to babysit all of you. so where would you go?”

“Japan. Maybe next week”

“okay, take care hyukjae. i will call you then”

then one day, hyukjae comes to his usual bar to hang out with donghae. but he comes alone. he feels like he wants to drink until he passed out for the last time before he goes to japan. then there’s jtub (donghae’s friend who is a composer too) who hangs out alone too. 

“Oh hyukjae, you come. Alone? where’s donghae?”

“nah i just feel like drinking alone”

“why?”

“i dont know i just want it”

then hyukjae really drinks a lot like A LOT. jtub tries to stop him but hyukjae insists he must drink more

“stop it or you will pass out here”

“i ddont fckin caree.. it issss m-my pplaaan annywway tto ssleep hhere until tomorrowww”

hyukjae lost it. he really lost it. he’s blabbering random sentences just now

“why.. wwhy sshould i llove that iddiot, i wanna kick hhis fckin handsome fface riight nnow,,,,, bastaard hhow you come to pplay wwith myy ffeelingg llike this,, itt hurtts sso mmuch i hhate yyou” then he sobs

“argghhhhhhh my head’‘ss sppinning” 

jtub didnt know who he was talking about but right now he needs to call someone to bring this idiot to come home

“hyukjae you need to come home.. i’ll call donghae”

“NOO DDONT CCALL THHAT BASTTARD” he tried to take jtub’s phone but it failed because he cant control himself because of the alcohol

“ah... so he’s heartbroken....... eish i didnt know that hyukjae is falling for his best friend.. eish let them finish this problem themselves i should back out”

“nno ddont him ppleasse, or i will kick hhis fucckin facce when hhe comess llater” then he sobs and passed out in the long table near the barista

few minutes later, donghae comes in a rush. 

“donghae ya here!” jtub calls

“oh my, what did you feed him huh?!?”

“wow slow man, he’s drinking and paying those bottles himself you know, i tried to stop him but he insisted to drink it until morning.”

“why’s he like this... he never been like this before...”

“you didnt know? why’s he like this? really?”

“uhm no, why? do you know?”

“try to figure it yourself then, its your problems anyway.”

“so he’s like this , because of me?!”

“spoiler : yes”

“oh man, why... okay then i’ll be going first” 

donghae tries to wake up hyukjae but still didnt get a respon. 

“Hyukjae-ya lets go home”

“ehmmm i want to sleep here”

“but it closes soon. you must go home. let me take you home eung?”

then hyukjae wakes up and see donghae  who’s ready to pick him up

“oh it’s lee donghae!” 

“yep it’s me. lets go home okay?”

“the way i wanna kick your face but i didnt have the strength right now, i’ll just kick you tomorrow”

“pardon? what?” donghae flustered and shocked

“right? it’s on you bro lol” jtub said

“okay okay lets just go home” donghae took hyukjae in his shoulders and caught him by the waist. then they both go to hyukjae’s dorm with donghae’s car

hyukjae falls asleep in the car. and keeps talkin in his sleep a bit

“lee donghae you bastard”

donghae is surprised and turns his head to passenger’s seat. 

“The fuck?!” 

then hyukjae sleeps again

“why’s he like this and why me?”

they finally arrived at hyukjae’s dorm and kyuhyun didnt come home so it’s just the two of them there. donghae hardly brings hyukjae to his room in his druk state. 

“im glad that you’re this tiny,  i can bring you home easily”

then donghae puts hyukjae to the bed and takes off his jacket, socks, and shoes. he wipes hyukjae’s forehead too with wet towel too.. hyukjae wakes up suddenly.

“stop being so kind to me” he stops donghae’s hand from wiping his forehead

“huh? why? im your closest friend it’s my job to take care of you idiot”

“i can take care of myself well. just go” hyukjae turns his head to the left side and puts the blanket covering his whole body. 

“why do you like this?”

“its not ur business”

“hyukjae ya... tell me whats wrong”

“Us. we cant be like this”

“why? you’re my closest friend-”

“We’re not supposed to be like this donghae ya. we must not”

hyukjae wakes up and turns into donghae. 

“We.... cant be like this donghaeya... we cant be....” hyukjae starts to cry

“hyukjae... why cant we... “

“why are you crying.. dont cry...“ donghae said again while carressing hyukjae’s tears with his thumb

“ *sobs* we- cant- be- like this... we just cant.....” hyukjae is still sobbing while talking

“tell me why, what should i do to stop you from crying please dont cry it hurts seeing you cry like this” donghae said softly 

“you.” 

“me? why?”

hyukjae still crying and doesnt want to answer.. 

“hyukjae tell me... please.. i dont wanna see you cry...”

hyukjae then holds donghae’s hand in his cheeks...

he looked at donghae’s eyes with those falling tears.. 

“you deserved to hate me forever.” 

hyukjae leaned in to donghae’s face and pressed a soft kiss into his lips. 

hyukjae pulls out and donghae is flustered and confused...

“h-hyukjae w-why-”

“leave me right now”

“b-but you have to tell-”

“leave or our friendship ends. leave please”

“hyukjae-ya.... “

“PLEASE LEAVE. *sobs* please...”

then donghae gets up from the bed and leaves hyukjae alone...

that’s it. that’s the end. hyukjae’s first love comes to an end. that angel is finally gone.... 

hyukjae cries in his bed so hard... the worst feeling ever. he hates himself more than anyone else. but he must end it. he must end this stupid feeling. the overflowing feelings he had for his best friend for years. he will stop loving him no matter what. 

“Thankyou for making me feel loved although actually it’s just me who feel that way... im happy... thankyou...” then he’s still crying for so long in the middle of the night

meanwhile donghae is feeling so flustered and mad. he didnt know why he’s mad. the fact his best friend cried because of him.. hyukjae’s eyes that told him everything. hyukjae’s puppy eyes that only shines everytime suddenly covered by the rain. the hard rain that falls because of him. he never knew. he never realized.. he didnt want to believe it. but it’s just feel so real. his tears falls in his cheek when hyukjae kissed him... he never feels the saddest kiss ever... it hurts so much. he didnt knoe either why it hurts so much. it feels like hyukjae will leave him for real... he cant imagine how his life would be without hyukjae.. it will never be the same.. 

donghae still feels confused.... he didnt know what to do after this... or tomorrow, or days after this.... he just didnt know what to do... 

the next day, hyukjae is already in the airport waiting for boarding to Tokyo. his eyes are completely red becuase of crying that night before.  He decides to go there to heal and repair himself. he just needs time alone for a while. he didnt know when he will be back to work as super junior. he’s already takin care of all of these with the company, and the company said yes. it’s up to him when will he decide to come back.... 

“hyukjae-ya, already at the airport?”

“eung hyung, there’s still 15 minutes before boarding”

“okay then, take care hyukjae... and one thing what if he asked me where you go?”

“hm, dont tell him hyung, just say that i want to spend my time alone.”

“fine i’ll do that. eish that insensitive bastard haha i’ll kick his face for you someday”

“nah hyung just let him be it’s my fault anyway for loving him in the first place. it’s never been his fault”

“aigu my precious dongsaeng already grown up”

“eish hyung your precious dongsaeng here is 34 years old”

“youre still a big baby to me anyway..”

“thankyou hyung. i’ll call you often when im in tokyo”

“yes sir!” 

“oh its time for boarding, im off hyung, bye bye!!”

“okay take care hyukjae ya, have a proper meals okay?”

“of courseee goodbye hyung”

hyukjae finally ends his phone call with leeteuk and walks in to the plane. finally he made up his mind and try to heal himself first.. he’s afraid that this feeling disrupt his works with him. so he must repair himself more to become a better person.. 

meanwhile donghae who didnt know anything at all,,

he worked out like crazy... he’s already working out since morning. and it’s already evening. he worked out and worked out.. he did everything in the gym. he’s like a mad person right now. he didnt pick up the calls from everyone.. even his lover too.. 

the instructors there feels worried because it’s not usual for donghae to act like this. then the instructors try to call jtub, donghae’s friend who’s been at the same gym with him. 

actually jtub is very busy right now so he cant go there to save that idiot friend from overworking his body. then jtub called leeteuk because leeteuk already said to him if donghae acts weird, he’s free to call him. 

leeteuk comes to donghae’s usual gym rightaway after finishing his schedule. 

“eomma ya. it’s already 7pm. and he’s been working out since 7 am?!?”asks him to the one of the instructors

“yes sir. he’s been like this since morning. we’re too scared to disturb him because he seems not in his right mind”

leeteuk walks in slowly to donghae. 

“donghae ya”

donghae still wont listen he still in his threadmill

“lee donghae please come down.”

“come on donghae you never been like this, you never disobeyed my orders. come on donghae please stop this. you makes yourself sick”

donghae finally stops the threadmill and come down. 

he falls rightaway in the floor. 

“donghae-ya are you okay? hey? donghaeya?”

“hyung... it’s my fault...” after that, donghae lost his consciousness

Donghae wakes up in his house with leeteuk who waits for him.

“Oh are you okay? do you hurt yourself?”

“no-no im okay hyung..” 

“eish why did you work out like that? you know it can kill you. what if i didnt come? who will take care of you? oh my god this kid. how old are you huh? youre fuckin 34 please grow up” leeteuk keeps nagging while wipes donghae’s forehead 

“sorry hyung...” 

“promise me you wont do this again oh god”

donghae just nods... then he suddenly remembers something

“i need to meet hyukjae.. i need-”

“stop he wont meet you”

“even he doesnt want to, i keep going to meet him”

“what would you say then? ask him for an apologize for something you didnt realize?”

“hyung... so you knew..”

“of course. just stop it. you wont ever meet him right now. you just cant”

“no hyung i must-”

“he’s leaving. he’s not in south korea.”

“what..... are you serious?”

“yes”

“where did he go? i can go right now”

“no you cant, just let him alone donghae ya. okay? please listen to me, he’s hurting. you never knew how he feels. because you never feels it. what do you want to say to him? anything that you would say, it wont heal him. because it’s on you. you’re the source of his broken state. he will overcome this someday. just wait okay?”

“but.... it hurts so much.. i dont know it just hurts so much seeing him cry.. seeing him so weak like that night. i really want to embrace him but he keep pushing me off, he keeps crying and crying.... his trembling voice when he tried to talk to me hurts me so much... he’s never showing this side of him for these time being.. i just didnt know what to do... it hurts so much seeing him in that state, i want to see him so fuckin much... i just- ” then he cant say anymore.. he’s loss at speech... he’s crying... 

“hyung... why im late to realize this.... why..... he’s already left what should i do.... im fuckin stupid... im so fucking dumb......” 

donghae cries in leeteuk’s shoulder.. leeteuk cant say anything... he just pats donghae’s back softly.. “just wait for him okay.... he’ll be okay..”

donghae still cant figure out why he’s also breaking.... he just feels that his heart is shattered knowing these situations at once.. 

confused, flustered, and mad. he’s mad at himself... 

“how can i never realize  in these time being?” 

part 1 end 

[bimbosupreme]

Whining about bradamante

Still can’t believe I got brap when I was aiming for ces last Christmas, her skills are weirdly supportive (debuff clear + 20% party np charge third skill) yet selfishly defensive (casts defense up on herself + guts for herself for her second skill) & I dont like that her np shoves her ass in my face — you think I wanna sniff sniff skid mark check every other turn get outta here (I won’t burn u at least)

Its one of those jack of all trades master of none situations, plus she’s got a quick np

I mean I guess you can run a team that has her as your star generator but she’s a lot of investment of materials for someone that’s gonna be relegated as support when there’s better low cost options if you want to run support (either for heals, debuff clears, np charge, or star gen —mash, hector, Martha, & Asclepius are a couple I can list off the top of my head and Asclepius who is coming soon, is just amazing at debuff clearing + np charge which is braps third skill on top of his other crazy good support skills)

If I were to improve her I’d give her more survivability (invincibility/evasion) and a damage boost to her np (maybe add a quick res down effect), that way she can be the star of her team, the quick res down can compensate for the fact that she’s not doing big damage numbers in the first place, (she has a QQAAB deck), without np gain though I’m not even sure she can loop with skadi (im not gonna test it out but for reference I think Kama can loop and kamas np gain on attack is 0.74%, brap is 0.7%)

or instead of a survivability skill they can add either a np gain/star generation up to capitalize on her deck more, her first skill could also be extended to a party wide arts & quick damage up so she’s more supporty

I just looked at her np she has a 60% chance to inflict stun. Uuuuuuurrfffhhhhg, just don’t use her np on the same turn the enemy is gonna np I guess, envision the enemy is going to np next turn... if you had evasion/invincibility on your other servants up to prepare them for that and then she lands the stun the boss won’t be able to np the turn u casted ur buffs for but will np the turn after (I have the same issue with servants that do a chance of np charge down)

which means I have to keep her np stun in mind for her overall funny performance as a servant, if I do plan to bring her along

Point is that she’s very glossed over I hardly see anyone discuss brap and it’s probably because of this and her..voice..

I do like how Merlin messes with her lmao, it’s a bit sad how she hasn’t shown up in an event or story since her release in Quetz’s Christmas event and even then she was written kind of...bland.. she’s just looking for her bf and “I’m a good person” is her character but like I said she has a funny whiny voice when she’s talking about Merlin or being harassed by him so I’d like her to interact with artoria about this or with the other knights of the round or simply with astolfo more to break her out of this boring trope she’s been written as

Personally I’d love the more forgotten about servants that aren’t fan favorites (I’m looking directly at you rin), should have more love shown to them — and on that topic I’d like to see servants interact with other servants that are nowhere close to their origin, like maybe Marie Antoinette should talk to Xiang yu or QSH I don’t know I just need her to not be brought up with Sanson and Mozart so constantly it’s kinda boring, likewise for Edison, Helena, and Tesla— they can’t seem to get their own characterization that doesn’t involve each other

[chemicalpink]

Bonding(M)♡ Park Jimin

Pairing: Stripper!Jimin x Dom!Reader

Genre: Smutttt , Steamy(ish), Stripper!AU, College!AU

Summary: in which Jimin is known (and fawned over) for being a stripper, whereas the reader is secretly working as a dominatrix for both money and research on her psych major, until Jimin discovers her and asks her for a favour in return to not spreading her secret.

Word Count: almost 3k

Warnings: honestly… some dom on dom action and a bit of plot if you look closely

A/N: It started with a kinda ehhh plot, got lost in the middle, ended up being smut af, and the end… i just idk I kinda want to make a fluffy part 2 if you like this mess. Also, please bear with me, I just recently got into a fandom again after 5 years on hiatus. K love u. Oh! and requests are always open!

You can read Part II here!

“I heard that just by looking at you once, she has you all hardened” some guy gushed over to his friend in a quiet voice

“But nobody has really seen her face” another voice joined as you rushed by to get to your Behavioural Analysis class. 214...214….This was the third time you were late to class, work has just been too much lately, not that you were complaining, money-wise it was great, the word was getting around pretty fast, and research was just as good but sometimes you wondered if it was really worth the sweat dripping down your back as you ran from the bus station to get to class. 

The door made a creaking noise and you flinched a little as you took a seat at the back of the room, next to a platinum-haired boy you, unfortunately, knew too well. 

“Miss (Y/N)” the whole room seemed to turn to look at you as the professor acknowledge your presence and you felt your heart skip a beat, anticipating the worst “Its the third time this week that you try to sneak into my lecture” you wouldn’t normally care about some man’s piercing eyes towards you, it was actually a part of your job to step over that type of confidence, but this was just… not your stage, you turned to look down, his gaze somehow becoming overpowering 

“I overslept. My apologies” a stifled giggle made its way from your left side and you felt the sudden urge to roll your eyes at who it belonged to… Park Jimin. It’s not that you hated him. You just hated the fact that of all places, you had to coexist with him in the same class, same campus, the same era in time. 

You really weren’t sure what evil you had done that the universe just seemed to get you back ten times stronger. Having to share a classroom with Jimin was bad enough already, he seemed to make your inside bubble every time he talked, but when the professor asked for you and him to be involved in a differential, it just had to be a payback for always arriving late. You were 99% sure at any time you would implode. The case was pretty simple tho, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Which seemed to fit perfectly to your classmate, so you thought about playing your cards in front of everyone, maybe if you were that someone that just shook their little brains, they would finally comprehend they were praising an egocentric little bitch. 

You could feel Jimin’s eyes waiting for you expectantly as soon as the teacher called out your name “Well NPD would pretty much sum it all up” and there it was, the same stifled giggle from before 

“Childhood trauma would also do it, Y/N” his tone was teasing you, and you knew better than to get involved but it was just not your day, your whole body turned towards him and a teasing smiled crept its way to your face 

“I thought you would know better, Jimin” his eyes squinted at you “Exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward other people… sounds a lot like you” the whole class seemed to quiet down as you said it. No one had ever dared to talk to THE Park Jimin that way… not with his status on campus.

“Should I keep going?” you felt your heart beating faster as you tried to keep up with his eyes-that were glued on you as he clicked his tongue and bowed his head as if asking you to proceed “Self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with high-status people, Sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others-” 

“And that would be it for today, you are dismissed” your eyes were still locked with Jimin’s as everyone gathered their things, you heart not slowing down and a boiling feeling within you, much to your surprise, Jimin was the first one to break eye contact, getting ready to stand up and leave the classroom, his right hand was already pushing the door open when he turned around to face you, still packing up your things.

“You know, Y/N, it's so brave of you to talk that way taking into account what you do for a living” you felt your heart rate quicken and you began to breathe rapidly. He-no. he couldn’t. Could he? No. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about” “Sure you don’t” stop the overthinking Y/N. He doesn’t know. No one knows. 

“So tell me… where should I pick you up if ...you know, I want your services” you could swear your heart stopped beating for a second just before the boiling sensation of rage took over and venomously spatted “I’m not like you” he chuckled 

“Of course not, kitten. I dance for a living. You make people cum” something took over you as the last word left his mouth.

 That side you didn’t use except for work, just happened to overdrive your body and within seconds you had THE Park Jimin pined against a wall. Yes, the same guy that was way too famous for making all the girls swoon over him during Friday nights after class, in a small strip club just outside campus. The Park Jimin was an overly famed dom and took pride in it. 

And you- well you had your fair share of fame, but in a legend, almost mystic type of way. No one was supposed to know you were the famous dominatrix that attended every. single. need from the people visiting her small studio-like office, a few blocks away from where the boy danced his life away. 

“So I guess its true then” he smiled that teasing smile of his, and you would be lying if you said it didn’t make your knees just a little bit weak “you do make any guy harden at your touch” you let your hand fall from his chest and quickly turned away as you tried to steady your breath 

“Listen… no one can know about this” he smirked as his eyes somewhat darkened. You knew this look. You would have to pay the price of his silence

“Just tell me already how much its gonna cost, you perv” your tone was kind of desperate as you stole a glimpse of the classroom’s clock and realised that you were already late for work. “a hundred? I’ll get them by the end of the week” 

“Actually” he paused as he looked at you as if something seemed funny to him about this whole situation “Social service will do this time. I’ll stop by your dorm tonight” you slowly felt whatever it was that possessed you a while ago. Rage? Indignation? Both? Whatever it meant that he would stop by your dorm, you weren’t having it. 

“I have work tonight” 

“So do I” so… there really was no way around it 

“Listen, money is no problem Jimin” 

“I know. But unless you’d like the whole campus to know who our beloved and mysterious dominatrix is… I’ll see you… let’s say, 2 am?” he bit his lip as he exited the room. Not giving you a chance to even consider manipulating him into getting your way, which was indeed, your speciality. 

The thing was, between attending evening classes, late-night work, homework and maintaining a somewhat normal social life, Jimin stopping by to whatever he meant by ‘social service’ meant you’d have to cram your studying time.

Work went by pretty quickly. And you couldn’t help but keep on wondering what was waiting for you with Jimin. It wasn’t that you were ashamed of what you did for a living… but it would lose its spark if people knew who you were.

Your head started to ache as you started getting ready to leave. It was already 1:30 am, which meant that it would take you around 20 minutes to get to your dorm and hopefully have enough time to change out of the red kinky thigh-high leather boots your work required that day. 

But boy were you one to get the times wrong. 

As you entered the hall of the unit, your eyes fell on a very glittery Jimin sitting on the floor outside your studio, unbuttoned black shirt and phone in hand. 

You walked up to him, exhaling loudly as an attempt to calm yourself down. You nudged his side with the tip of your boots. He looked up. 

“I was about to call you, but then I realised that I didn’t have your number” great. so he was an asshole and also had lame pick up lines. You really wondered how exactly did he have so many girls falling for him 

“And you’re not getting it” you opened the door and motioned for him to enter “Come on in, and may I ask, how exactly you got into the girl’s unit?” 

“Ah… little Y/N. I can get any girl to do whatever it is that I please” you closed your eyes as another wave of pain hit you 

“Yeah… you stay here. I’ll just go grab an aspirin” the dorm wasn’t big, as a matter of fact, your bed was just a few steps from the ‘living room’ where you left Jimin, but it did what it promised, let you crash. 

You could have sworn you were gone less than a minute before encountering a semi-naked Jimin propped up on your bed, striking what he might have thought of as a sexy pose, patting the bed by his front side for you to sit “Okay. I’m done. Get out”

He sat up “No, wait. I really need this. And you too, Y/N” he smiled at you, but not that smirk you had been used to seeing, the smile that radiated confidence and ego but one that almost seemed friendly, one that made him look innocent, cute, dare you say it. 

“A favour for a favour. As classmates that do kind of the same for a living” You grabbed the chair from your desk and sat in it, crossing your arms. Willing to put on a fight for as long as it benefited you 

“Fine. Be quick” 

“I’m just asking for a few minutes of your night, once a week. I need help with my show. And who knows? you might end up liking it” and there it was, every ounce of liking towards him that he built with the friendly smile and appealing to the sentiment of belonging to the same team. Gone 

“No way”

“Fine. Then just be ready for your little secret to come out” Was it really worth it? He did say, just a few minutes every week. But the thought of having Jimin over, dancing and doing who know what in your dorm, was unbearable. Then again, he did say he needed it. 

“Just a few minutes every week?” 

“Yeah” 

“Fine then stop by tomorrow. Same time” he smiled brightly at you “Now get lost. I need sleep”

What happened the next night though, nothing could have prepared you for it. Your assistant told you you had a new client coming, so as per usual, you were ready to test him out from simple to more complex things. You heard the door closing as some footsteps approached the bed behind you 

“Just stay there. I’ll be with you in a second” 

“God. those bunny ears really do suit you, Y/N” you could have sworn that your heart skipped a beat as you felt heat building up inside you, from rage. But this was somewhat to your advantage, he had just stepped in the lion’s den and had no idea 

“I thought we agreed on meeting in my dorm” you said as you walked up to the bed, taking a seat behind him, with his back between your thighs 

“I thought this might be more fun” of course he was more than excited to play this game, but you weren’t going to let him win. 

Something flashed in his eyes. Something you have become very familiar with. Lust. And then Jimin pushes you against the wall, his fingers laced with yours, your back against the cold wall that held all of your work tools. And you saw what he was going for. Tying you up. But you were having none of it. In a matter of seconds, it was him pressed against the wall, his eyes reflecting the pink led lights from the room. You held tightly on his crotch as he tried to gain dominance over you, keeping him in his place. He just smirks.

You stay there for a moment, him locked under you, and the two of you stare at each other like you’re waiting for someone to make a move. A stalemate. And then you can’t tell who breaks it first, but somehow your lips collide in a hungry, urgent kiss. He kisses you deep, hungrily, desperately, like he wants to consume you whole. As you let your firm grip go, his touch is rough, his fingers grip so tight against your hip that it hurts, and the pain just spurs on the arousal beginning to pool in your belly. 

Jimin bites your lower lip as he pulls away, his eyes scanning over your face. The room felt silent, steamy like the bright lights were invited you two to step it up, taunting you to take it forward. Your breath hisses in involuntarily as you look down at the bulge in his pants, your eyes flitting back up to Jimin’s face. He has a cocky calm look on his face, and it occurs to you that you had never expected Park Jimin the stripper to be like this. 

For a moment you consider stopping, standing up and strolling out. This is a bad idea, the rational side of your brain chides. He’s… himself, the single-cell brained asshole that always sits beside you in class, the self-centred stripper Park Jimin, this is so wrong. But when you look into Jimin’s dark eyes and see the way he licks his lip while staring you up and down, the confidence that emanates from him. And all reason flies out of your head. You want him.

“C’mon spread those legs for me” he whispers to your ear and you can feel his hot breath tickling your neck. He knows what he’s doing. He knows what to say. Saying it without cockiness or nastiness but stating it firmly and calmly… sweet God. 

But this is a game you are not allowing yourself to lose. The hand you have been keeping on his crotch rapidly makes its way into his pants, stroking him over his underwear. He lets out a suppressed grunt and the sound makes you smile. 

Your smile widens when you stop stroking and grab him full in your hand and feel his thighs stiffen. Somehow his lips find their way to your neck, placing you in his previous stand, bot of your bottoms soon discarded, as he held both of your hands behind you, you felt a warmness near your pussy, followed by his voice.

“Tell me how much you want it”

“I don’t beg” everything that had gone thorough between you two in the past few minutes was better than anything you could have imagined. But the way he seemed so bothered by you not sticking to his dominant side’s orders just made you even wetter and weak in the knees. 

And then Jimin slides inside of you.

The last thing you see before closing your eyes and succumbing into pure please was Jimin’s jaw clenching, his platinum hair all messed up. He takes it slow, likely on purpose, and you let out a cry at the feeling. His cock is thicker than what you’re used to, and it stretches you out. It’s been such a long time since you’ve had sex, and when you did have time in the past, it was always rushed. You, dominantly riding a guy until you had a quick, mildly satisfying orgasm. But it was never this – dominated, teased, sprawled under a man with plump lips and a silky smooth voice. 

When he’s finally all the way inside of you, you release a long breath that you didn’t even know you’d been holding in. You hear Jimin let out a stuttering breath, the two of you are still for a moment, just feeling one another, you exchange silent glances to which you weren’t quite sure the meaning of and then Jimin starts to thrust.

He is fucking into you hard, his pace steady and at just the right speed to have you crying out his name while shutting your eyes and drawing your nails into his back for balance, or maybe just to somehow be able to feel him closer. The blood is rushing to your face and you’re slightly dizzy from the mask you have on but all you can feel is him, the loud slap of skin resonating between the four walls of the small room as he slams into you. 

You can hear the vocalizations he makes with every thrust, grunts, growls, and then small soft mewls as he arches upwards and hits you at different angles. Each push of his cock leaves you a writhing mess beneath him. Just as you feel an unavoidable heat forming in the lower part of your belly, he stops. He completely stops. Steals one last glance at you, adding his signature smirk after pulling his pants on and leaves you there. All worked up against the wall, your mouth hanging open as he walks out. If you didn’t hate Park Jimin before, you were sure as hell you did now. 

[gaming-thoughts-by-an-idiot]

Fallout 3: DLC The pitt

• Werner: " we have to keep moving, there's no time!" Also Werner: *moves slower than a slug*

• "If u dress up as a slave" sure, sounds like some weird foreplay but ok

• Wait wait wait, was I supposed to leave my weapons?????

• I swear to god, if they take my weapons...

�� Ok dude, where am I supposed to go?

• Dude what the fuxk??? Where am I going????

• Am I supposed to go over the bridge??

• Ok srly, if they take my weapons...

• Hhhh should I go back and just dump my weapons off????

• Ok ok, taking out mines... dogs... NOT NICE DOGS

• AUGH THEY TOOK MY SHIT NONO WE'RE GOING BACK

• OK LETS GO, FUCK YOU

• Ok dump off all my stuff.... get a haircut....

• Ok he looks cool now

• Let's get this shit back on the road!

• Yay... here we go again

• HE FUCKING STOPPED, I WAS AT THE GATE ARE YOU FUCKING you know what it's fine its whatever

• Why does he have a eye patch, is it like Gage? Decoration?

• ... I miss Gage ;-; my baby, my raider baby, ;;-;;

• I wish I could run in this game, that would be swell

• Save statiooonsss, gotta love mah stationnnns

• Like... does these dogs belong to the Pitt slavers or?

• God, I'm collecting the mines

• Omnomnom human

• Helloooo daddy

• Oh nevermind, he was prettier on a distance

• Trogs?

• I feel so naked

• But I see now I wouldnt have lost them forever, they're just in a safe

• Also, have I played this before???? Achievements say yes, memory no...

• The more I talk to the slavers, the more I miss my nukaworld raiders... I'm having Gage withdrawal

• Deleted like... 20 levels worth of saves...

• Pfff, a slaver was like "talk you piece of shit" and kicked a slave as if he was a toddler... and then he shot all three, but lol

• Here we are, many slavers around... watching and what do I do? Steal, I loot, I'm in rags but nono let me loot

• Ooooh trogs r food.. ok ok

• ... oh wait... no... is trogs like.. ghouls????

• I'm playing on very easy so yeah, it's fine I guess

• "I hope you said goodbye YAGAGAHAGAHAH" - raider slaver

• Me, smiling at the laughter: lol

• Raider slaver: wtf are you smiling about?

• Me: *sweating gif meme*

• Midea: lately the boss have been bringing slaves from all over...

• Me, knowing it's me who enslaved the new slaves: *sweats in stress*

• Man, it would be so funny if I could meet everyone I enslaved

• Wonder if I can do like a "bad" choice here

• Marco: hey not so loud

• Also marco: IM MAKING WEAPONS DONT TELL ANYONE

• Me: ... ok

• Everett? Had a boyfriend in XoXo droplets called that

• Well it's time

• AAAA I REMEMBER THIS PLACE NOW OMG I HATE THIS PLACE AHAHA

• FUCK

• Fuck, I almost pissed myself, fucking weird gollum fuck

• Omg the wild men people are just raiders... I keep thinking "oh god it must be horrible", and it probably is... but I'm playing on very easy cuz I'm here to chill, I've already played on normal twice maybe three times.

• Oh my god, gave me such a fright

• Fucking gollums

• I'm just grabbing as much as I can, cuz I like exploring

• Ehehe lockpicking and computer at 100, nothing can stop me

• Game: bring us 10 ingnots

• Me, a dumb bich: did you say "all of them"?

• Wow, he just ignored my skills

• I can just keep giving him ignots lol

• I found wild billy, but I told milly hes alive and well, oh well, 100 in speech bro

• I WANNA BETRAY THEM ALL AHAHAHHAHAHHA

• he better be pretty

• .... I miss Gage

• Like, what do they even do with all the steel?

• He sounds like hes worshipping steel

• Asur: blahblahblah

• Me: whatever

• Omg the song butcher Pete, would be perfect here

• Radio doesnt work here ;-;

• Some of them are like born here. Do they make the kids work too?

• Let's do this!!!

• AAAAAAA

• That was easy

• I love this weird ripper, I walk up to them and woosh dead

• I've won :)

• I got lost, but I found like five nuka colas so im ok

• I'm so daft.... the door was there all along

• I accidentally stole something fuck

• It's so funny cuz like, they're talking like they're soooo badass... but I know they would cry if they met the disciples, my precious psychopaths ♡

• Woooow that's a biiig house, omgggg a big statueeee, I wonder if hes like, insecure about something

• I slapped a raider in the face with a book

• I'm here to be evil, not to be nice

• It's a crib in here??? Awwww

• ;w; this is precious

• BABIES

• hes legit, Moriarty

• IT SAID I COULD BASICALLY SAY "YOINK" AND STEAL THE BABY OMG

• It's a baby

• Its making baby noises

• ... not stealing it

• Her, the baby

• Bye baby

• Let's talk with mindea

• Gheez, shes like angry cuz I betrayed her heh

• HAHA

• "WE JUST NEEDED TO KIDDNAP HER FOR OUR FREEDOM" OK

• Fuck, I'm lost again

• Oh... I... I can fast travel...

• Yay, steelyard woo

• I have the feeling I'm going the wrong way

• Ok I found the way

• How the fuck do i get up there

• !!ahh??? Theres a door!!! Have there always been a door????

• It's the final count down Wabababaa wbababababaaa

• You shit man

• "Leave now, and never come back" I getting some lion king flashbacks

• Me: you can go

• Him: fine asshole

• Me, pulling up my weapon, vats locked: :)

• Ehehehe murder

• Fast travel eyy

• Are we done yet

• Why dont they know who I ammmmmm

• Jesus, he scared me, ran up to me, jesus christ

• Pfff "you got some cure, just dont think about what it may have cost others" lol are you trying to guilt trip me?

• He was in the brotherhood and hes angy

• Cool, I can give toys to the baby, that's cute!

• The baby is ugly

• Finally I can leave

[letterboxd]

How I Letterboxd #2: Dave Chen

In our second of this series, we put Dave Chen in the Letterboxd spotlight. The podcaster, musician and filmmaker is most famous on Letterboxd for his weirdly specific lists. He tells us how he uses the platform, why every film that exists is miraculous, and why we shouldn’t sleep on Not Another Teen Movie.

Hi Dave! How long have you been on Letterboxd? About eight years. I believe I first signed up when it was in beta. I loved (and still love) the interface: how smooth the user flow is for logging/reviewing films, and how beautiful all that movie art looks as it’s organized on the site.

What do you mainly use Letterboxd for? I love reading the reviews on Letterboxd. On a film’s page, the site surfaces many of the most popular reviews and I find it’s a great way to find some quick, witty, and thoughtful comments on something I might be considering watching. But of course, I also love reading and making funny lists. Finally, I’ve heard Letterboxd is great for keeping track of films at a film festival but sadly I haven’t yet attended one since I started using it again.

Do you rate films? Would you consider yourself a generous or harsh rater? I rate films to remind myself how I felt about them at the time I watched. Of course, my opinions on movies change but it’s sometimes interesting to look back and think back to a time when, “Oh right, I did love that movie in the summer of 2019 when I was going through XYZ”. Our feelings about movies can often reflect what’s going on in our lives.

That said, over time, I’ve come to understand that films are miracles. I don’t think I’m the first person to come up with this observation but they are like miniature plays resulting from the collective work of hundreds or thousands of people that have been preserved for your amusement, and you can just play them on demand. Many of them cost only a few dollars. Some are free! Every film that exists is miraculous.

So, despite some of my harsh reviews, I do try to keep that perspective in mind.

You’ve been a member for a while but most of your reviews are recent. What brought you back? We note that you restarted with your third viewing of 1917! I am pretty active on Twitter and I started seeing a bunch of screen-capped reviews go viral there. But to be honest, much of social media can be exhausting to me these days. What I realized recently about Letterboxd was that much of it is free of the negativity. It’s just a bunch of folks who love movies sharing thoughts on those movies, but it also feels like a real community of people. There are filmmakers on there who share their thoughts on films and their favorites, and that’s of course endlessly fascinating (such as Sean Baker). Even the negative reviews can be fun to read. There’s a lot of pithiness and wit on the site, and its design really helps facilitate that.

Okay, take us way back, what was the film that got you hooked on cinema? My first cinematic true loves were the films of John Woo. I’d watched action movies before but I was introduced to John Woo ironically by a counselor at my church youth group! I became dazzled by movies like The Killer and Hard Boiled. It was then that I realized that things I had seen dozens of times (e.g., a shootout in a warehouse) could be elevated by sheer craftsmanship.

What keeps you from sharing your four favorites on your profile? A few reasons. For me personally, it takes months if not years for my thoughts on a film to really crystallize. My relationship with a movie doesn’t end when the credits roll—its ideas and themes and images are often clanging around in the back of my head for months if not years afterwards. As a result, my favorite films of all time change pretty frequently and I didn’t want to have to think about maintaining my four favorites over time.

Michael Caine in Alfonso Cuarón’s ‘Children of Men’ (2006).

Is there any film you could say is your all-time number one? If I had to name one though, it’d probably be Children of Men. It combines all my favorite things into one movie: science fiction, action, Michael Caine and a heartfelt message about how humanity has to be kinder to one another if we are to survive the challenging days ahead.

Your most popular lists are weirdly specific and fun (but true!). What are some other weirdly specific lists on Letterboxd that spoke to you? All the lists I like fall into that category. I love it when people make connections that I never otherwise would’ve thought of. To make a funny list, I think you need to be able to juggle extremely specific pattern recognition with a description that makes people feel like they are learning something about the films or their subjects. While the vast majority of the time these are just for fun, sometimes they actually can lead to insights about filmmakers, actors and the specific themes they try to bring to life in their work.

Also, shout out to Thijs Meuwese, who is leading the way on creative lists.

What is your favorite or most useful feature on Letterboxd? The Stats page [generated for all Pro and Patron members] is a beautiful visualization of the history of my film watching. As I continue to build out my watch history, I’m curious to see the trends that will arise.

What’s a movie where you don’t understand why Letterboxd members love or hate it so much? To answer this question, I took a look at some “worst-rated films on Letterboxd” lists and here’s a totally random one for you: the teen romantic comedy parody Not Another Teen Movie. It’s rated a 2.6 and a lot of the humor of this film has aged poorly but there are some amazing gags in here and it features Chris Evans in a performance that will likely be the apex of the comedic phase of his career. My brother and I still quote this movie to each other. Don’t sleep on it.

Chyler Leigh and Chris Evans in ‘Not Another Teen Movie’ (2001).

Your feature film, Stephen Tobolowsky’s one-man show The Primary Instinct, has a Letterboxd page and a pretty solid rating, congrats! How do you feel having that livestream of instant reactions to it? I’m glad that the ratings are decent, but to be honest, I can’t bring myself to look at them! As part of the filmmaking process, I’m totally open to constructive feedback from people I know and trust, but I’m not sure I can handle the same from strangers. Nonetheless, I’m grateful some Letterboxd members have seen fit to watch the film and take the time to rate it! Perhaps if I make more films in the future, I’ll feel better about checking out the reviews for an individual one.

Among your other skills, you are a talented musician. Can you tell us about some of your favorite film scores? Any cello-heavy scores or composers you find particularly influential? While not really cello-specific, the music of Nicholas Britell makes amazing use of strings (see Moonlight and [TV series] Succession). His music is achingly beautiful and is often in rotation in my playlists.

More generally, Hans Zimmer and John Williams are both legends and I’ve always found their work to be very interesting. In recent days, I’ve been quite taken with the work of Daniel Pemberton, whose work on films like King Arthur and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. have a great populsive energy to them. Finally, when I’m into something more moody, atmospheric or modern, I appreciate the work of Cliff Martinez.

Are you self-isolating right now due to Covid-19? Discovered anything great and new to you to pass the time? We hope everything is alright otherwise! Yes, I'm quarantining due to a “stay safe and healthy” order in Washington State right now. Like many people staying at home, I’ve been watching a lot of TV, which includes things like Tiger King, Devs, Better Call Saul, and Dave (the show on Hulu). These are the things that give me comfort and distraction these days.

Jennifer Ehle in Steven Soderbergh’s ‘Contagion’ (2011).

What are your go-to comfort movies that you recommend to people at this strange and difficult time? This is a weird recommendation, but I’d say Steven Soderberg’s Contagion is a great choice. Contagion depicts a virus far more deadly than Covid-19, and how it eventually leads to the deterioration of the social order. But it’s also a deeply hopeful movie. You see governments come together to try to figure this thing out. You see the people on the front lines risking their lives to fight the fictional virus and I think it’s a great way to help people understand how courageous and valuable all our medical workers are in times like these. It’s “competence porn” in an era where I think we need to be reminded of what competence looks like.

[Editor’s note: Dave isn’t alone, Contagion has consistently been in our 20 most popular films for the past month.]

When the universe is allowed to go back to the cinema, where do you prefer to sit? As close to the center of the theater as possible, with my eyeline at about halfway up the screen.

What’s in your ‘hall of shame’—the movies you haven’t seen and know Letterboxd will boo at you for missing? Don’t worry, we’ll protect you. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari and Say Anything. Also Firefly, the Joss Whedon show which I don’t think is on your website anywhere. Many people have been complaining to me about this oversight in my viewership for years so I think it’ll do well if we can list it here.

Which film from the past ten years that went by fairly unloved do you think will be a future classic and you’ll fight to the death for loving? I’m going to cheat a little and list a movie that’s eleven years old: Tony Gilroy’s Duplicity. This movie didn’t do super well at the box office when it was first released and currently has a 2.8 on Letterboxd. But it was one of my top ten films that year. I think Clive Owen and Julia Roberts have great chemistry, but I think the film’s depiction of corporate espionage is outlandish, fun and irresistible. These characters are playing a "triple game" and it’s so much fun to see the layers upon layers of deception that they’re creating, and the cascading impacts they have on their relationship. Also, how can you say no to a movie that has Paul Giamatti and Tom Wilkinson as competing CEOs literally going at each other?

And finally, please name three other Letterboxd members you recommend we follow. I collaborate with Melissa on YouTube/podcast reviews and she is incredibly thoughtful and articulate. I always appreciate Khoi’s thoughtfulness. And Mike Ginn—this guy is hilarious.

You can enjoy more Dave on his website; his YouTube channel; and his podcasts The Slashfilmcast and Culturally Relevant. Dave was photographed by Brandon Hill.

[incorrect-bangtan-boys]

(im not sure if both of u stan them but) stray kids 1. 3. 4. 5. 7. 15. 18. 19. 20. lmao

DONT WORRY WE BOTH STAN!!

1. Who’s your bias?

AUSSIE LINE!! Like my first bias was Felix and then Chan just existed and i realised I was in love with both of them. They’re both just such good people. I jsut love them so much! Felix’s freckles literally make my knees weak by the way… just a fun fact about me. 

3. Who’s your bias wrecker?

Vocal! King! Kim! Woojin! He very very quickly became my favourite kpop vocalist and i love his smile and his laugh! He’s best boy with a voice of pure honey!! also i like his face very very much

4. Hyung line or maknae line?

how DARE YOU!! The audacity!!! ME???? PICK BETWEEN MY BOYS?!?!?! I could never! 

5. What is your favorite era?

My favourite era is I am: Who. I am Who has my favourite songs in it and i just love that album so much. But Miroh era is quickly becoming my favourite cause it’s my first comeback and I’m just so emotionally invested in these 9 morons. (okay but Jisungs hair in I am Who is just the best Jisung and Felxi hair and you can fight me on this!) 

7. What’s the first song you heard?

Well Admin Ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ) introduced me to Stray Kids and we listened to a bunch of songs in one day so i cant really remember which song was first… WAIT NO I REMEMEBR!! IT WASNT WITH ADMIN Ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ) IT WAS HELLAVATOR AND IT WAS PREDEBUT!!! HA! It was so fucking long ago! But it was hellavator and then i completely forgot skz existed for like…. 10 months

15. What’s a concept you would like to see them try?

Well i mean, they wanna do a Monsta X concept, I want them to do a Monsta X concept…. Miroh was close but im watiing! 

18. Your favorite title track?

My Pace or Get Cool :D My Pace makes me all emotional cause it’s all “you do you! You’re great the way you are! Don’t compare yourself to others” and that makes me WEAK But also Get Cool has the iconic Chan line “Don’t matter if the world is a cold place.. cause I’m getting COOLER” which is a line me and admin Ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ) never fail to scream when we listen to it together! 

19. Favorite choreo?

Mirror or Miroh! Mirror cause i LOVE that mirror image symmetry shit! and Miroh cause it has a māori haka influence in it which i die for honestly. any time māori is mentioned (im looking at you Zone) i fucking die! 

20. Favorite live performance?

oh god, either Miroh or Victory Song. acutally yeah victory song! ITS SO GOOD AND SO POWERFUL. Also LEE FELIX WITH HIS VOICE DEEPER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH RUINS MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! FUCK HIM THOUGH WHYY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME also @Chan stop showing your abs, it’s a personal attack against me and i do not appreciate it. 

~Admin (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Worry not my child they are literally my ults.

1. Who’s your bias?

Han Jisung owns my heart and soul. He’s been my bias since the beginning, we’re so similar and I love that for us. He’s the smartest dumbass and that just so gotdamn relatable. He’s also so funny and loud and annoying and his members will never let them live. Also fucking relatable, @admin (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ALLOW ME TO LIVE YOU BITCH ♡♡♡♡♡

3. Who’s your bias wrecker?

Minho, Hyunjin, and Jeongin are tied, I just can’t pick between them. Minho is the weirdest person (that Miroh heart version dance practice is priceless, and I also do the exact same thing constantly, but I’m not an actTuAL KpOp iDOl yOU AbsOLUte InsANE PeRsOn) and also forever done with everyone. When he did that dance on Dingo School where he had to dance Miroh and change concept every like five seconds it killed me. Hyunjin is too pure but also not at all in anyway pure, ‘safe show’ shut the fuck up you nerd, I saw you dance to The Eve, don’t even with that shit. Jeongin is the sweetest angel and I just want to protect him at all costs, but he’s also a little demon and I love it. He’s my son and I didn’t know I was prepared to be a parent, but life just do you like that sometimes. 

4. Hyung line or maknae line?

I. hate. this. question. what kind of satan came up with this????? (I also think it is important to note that I spent at least five minutes trying to remember how the fuck to spell satan for this answer)

5. What is your favorite era?

Aesthetics wise??? I Am: You. Changbin’s X through his eyebrow is still the best styling decision in kpop, fight me. Also Get Cool is iconic and everyone looked so good in My Side. Musically, I gotta go with I Am: Who, it’s the first kpop album I’ve ever owned and it has my absolute fave skz song Voices on it.

7. What’s the first song you heard?

As Stray Kids, I listened to Hellevator within hours of it coming out. But, I also watched the show and that compelled me to listen to 3racha, so really my first song was Runner’s High.

15. What’s a concept you would like to see them try?

Just like admin (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧, that Monsta X vibe. I think they’d do it so well. Miroh era has a bit of it, but I’d love to see them go full blown powerful horny on us. Or maybe something just outright bittersweet, a Spring Day with that soft aesthetic would be so cool, or something like Euphoria that’s just beautiful and lovely.

18. Your favorite title track?

Including pre-debut, Hellevator, cause lord that song is too relatable, the rap is beautiful, and Jisung’s high note is my religion okay. Sorry mom I’m not Jewish anymore, Jisung existed and I strayed (get it, ha at least I make myself laugh). Post-debut???? Get Cool cause I need that sheer happiness in my life and they are so cute oh my lord???? Miroh cause I love a good uprising and also everyone’s looking so so good???? My Pace cause we gotta get that good good (side note: fite me Luhan) passionate uplifting mess. Also na nananana na na na nanana, what inspiring lyrics boys, you really know how to bring a tear to a bitches eye. 

19. Favorite choreo?

Get Cool for the meme, Miroh for the sheer talent and oh my god Chan you fucking menace, Voices cause it’s so thematically and aesthetically perfect, My Pace for Hyunjin’s killing part in the second verse, I just can’t with that. I just love skz choreo okay, this is a judgment free zone.

20. Favorite live performance?

Victory Song… my boys out here tryina kill me. I am deceased, goodbye world, you were kinda sucky, but at least I saw Go Go live so who’s the real winner here?????

- admin Ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ)

[memoriesthatkeepyounear]

150 Random Questions

1.) What’s better, having high expectations or having low expectations?

 Low lmao

2.) Would you rather go without junk food for a year or go without TV for a year?

 junk food

3.) Describe your perfect man/woman.

Tall, funny, weird, silly,serious,optimistic,driven,adventuous, list goes on

4.) Thoughts on school dress codes?

they’re honestly stupid and degrading but some are necessary

5.)Any strange phobias?

Not that i can think of

6.) At what job do you see Donald Trump best fit?

6 feet underground 

7.) Who was your first crush?

NIck Jonas lmao

8.) Who was your first best friend?

Girl named Morgan don’t remember her last name.

9.)What is one weird thing about you?

I hate when I have an uneven amount of tattoos.

10.) Top 5 TV shows you like to watch?

11.) What are your favorite boys names? Degrassi, Greys Anatomy,TVD,Black Mirror

12.) What are your favorite girls names? Marley,Tasha idk i dont really have any lol

13.) Do you have any tattoos? If so, what are they? Yes, there’s too many to name each one lmao

14.) Do you plan on getting (more) tattoos? If so, what do you want to get as of the moment? yes many mor, next one is an alien head with a space ship and UFO.

15.) Do you have any piercings? Do you plan on getting more? i mean just my ears and eh maybe

16.) Do you like hugging people?

eh i could live without hugs tbh lol

17.) Think of ANY person on earth right now.  Who did you think of? you don’t want to know (CB)

18.) Do you have an iPhone? yes iphone 8 plus

19.) What is the worst thing that could happen in your life right now? losing one of my jobs lmao

20.) Do you watch anime? no

21.) What brings true happiness? music,traveling,friends,concerts.

22.) What is the most expensive thing you’ve ever paid for? honestly, i dont know i dont remember

23.) If you could have any job in the world and get paid millions of dollars a year for it, what would you be and why? tour manager or selling merch for a band

24.) Do you want children? If so, how many? honestly no but if i had to have children probably 1 or 2

25.) Name and describe someone who you feel most comfortable around. I’ll just name them, Pape, Chase, Michele, Destany,Chris,  Zion, Mary,Tori, Alyssa

26.)If you could invent a holiday, what would it be? Corbyn Besson Day just because LMAO

27.)Would you rather have summer weather or winter weather all year round? This isn’t a choice but spring weather

28.) If you could make an alien race, describe what they would look like. they would look like an alien racing, obviously.

29.)  What was the first thing you learned to cook? Grilled Cheese

30.) Describe your sense of humor. I’m funny as fuuuuck. I’ll send memes, stupid random shit i can think if, anything.

31.) What is the key to happiness? Surrounding yourself with positivity, and trying to find the positive out of anything negative that happens. Not worrying what other people think of you except yourself. Surrounding yourself with good people

32.) How many phone numbers do you have committed to memory? Whose numbers are they? One of my sisters, both my parents, thats about it lmao

33.) Name three songs that make you want to dance. Dazed adn Confused-Jake Miller, Mojo-Round2Crew,something different-wdw

34.) What job did you want to have as a child? Vet Technician

35.) Do you have any talents or skills? My talent is getting all the rings in the ring game on toontown

36.) What was the worst punishment you’ve ever had? I got grounded for a month-dont remember what i did tho

37.) Did you ever do anything weird as a child? Oh im sure i did.

38.) What is your dream car? a car that doesn’t break down

39.)  Describe something that made you laugh this week. probably something corbyn did or sue or my friends

40.) Did you have a dream last night? If so, describe it. Yes and i”d rather not lmao

41.)  Do you ever have repetitive dreams? Describe it/them. oh yes and u don’t want to hear that either

42.) Describe the worst/ scariest dream you’ve ever had. I’ll always remember this--I was younger maybe like 11 and it was that my dad went psychotic and my sisters and her friends snuck outside and tried to get away but he found us, threw us in his car and had my neighbors at the time help him kill us idk bro it was wild. thats the short version.

43.) Describe the best dream you’ve ever had. there’s so many and no thank you

44.) If God himself gave you a choice of either having unlimited money for the rest of your life or finding your one true love starting tomorrow, which one would you choose (keep in mind, you are still able to make a ton of money if you choose love, and you are still able to meet your soul mate if you choose money)? probably finding my one true love-thats worth more than any amount of money

45.) If you could do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) right now without consequences, what would you do and why? honestly i dont know

46.) Do you have any recipes that you know off the top of your head? What is it/ what are they? yes, how to make whipped cream lmao 

47.) Do you have your license? If so, do you have a car? no

48.) Have you ever had a near death experience? yes

49.) Do you personally know anyone that has been to prison? yes

50.) Have you ever been in a physical fight?

yes.

51.) When you get out of the shower, do you towel dry, blow dry, or air dry your hair? depends, if im not leaving the house i towel dry and then air dry but if i have to look good i blow dry.

52.) When you go to the movies, what snacks and drinks do you take with you? candy, popcorn, soda or an icee

53.) Do you like going to the beach? If so, do you like to stay dry or go in the water? If not, why? i like goigng to the beach adn going in the water, i hate sand

54.) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

sometimes.

55.) If you could have a superpower ASIDE from being invisible or being able to fly, what would you have? reading minds.

56.) If you were able to live for however long you wanted to (i’m talking thousands of years without aging), when would you choose to die? in this moment tomorrow lmao

57.) What do you think happens after you die? the light you go into is really the light when ur leaving the womb and your soul goes into a baby just beig born

58.) Do you believe in aliens? yes

59.) Do you believe in ghosts? yes

60.) Do you believe in spiritual things like ouija boards, tarot cards, and crystals? Do you believe they are portals for evil entities to enter the mortal world? yes

61.) If you could make one mythical being real, who/what would you make?

i dont know

62.) Do you get tan, or do you burn? the first time i tan, i burn the rest of the time i tan

63.) Describe your shower routine. I get in, shampoo, shave, rinse, conditioner, exfoliate sometimes, and body wash then rise hair and get out

64.) Do you enjoy school? Why or why not? Im not in school

65.) In your opinion, what is the worst way to die? struggling 

66.) Do you get carsick, sea sick, or airplane sickness? no

67.) What’s one memory that you wish you could live again and again? probs seeing one direction lmao i miss them

68.) What were some of your stuffed animal’s names from when you were a kid? scraper-he was a dog i still have him

69.)Do you have any pets? no

70.) Describe your daily wardrobe. homeless

71.)  Describe what your daily wardrobe would be if you were rich. beautiful,with the trends

72.)  Create a character right now.  Give them a name, age, and character description. Jessica Arkansas from Ohio, 22, makes youtube videos, fun when drunk,funny,works alot, drinks alot, smokes weed sometimes, love making people happy.

73.)What was the last thing you bought? Aromatherapy sleep lotion and shower gel from bath and body works.

74.) Have you ever bought a CD? What band was it for? uh yes I have many CDs, jonas brothers

75.) Describe your perfect ice cream sundae. the traditional one

76.) If you could make ANYTHING happen right now with no cost, trouble, or obstacles, what would you do? make corbyn besson fall in love with me

77.) What are some of your favorite physical activities to do? hiking, walking, going ton the gym

78.) What were some of your favorite shows as a child? Dragon tales, The Amanda show, hannah montana, thats so raven, wizards of waverly place, jonas,little bear, oswald. theres much more

79.) Describe how you would survive the zombie apocalypse. I wouldn’t

80.)What are some things you shouldn’t say at work? anything unprofessional

81.) If you were told that if you killed someone, you would save 100 people, would you do it? depends who the person im killig is (if its ****** or ********* then absolutely)

82.) How’s the weather right now? cold

83.) What is the background on your cell phone right now? its flowers that gnash tweeted one time when he released the broken hearts club

84.)Is it better to work at a job that you love or a job that pays well? a job you love.

85.) What do you have within arms reach of your bed? my stuffed giraffes.

86.) Have you ever been fired from a job? If so, why? no

87.) Have you ever won a trophy, prize, or medal? If so, for what? yes many, for soccer

88.) Do you have any posters, pictures, or art hanging on your walls in your room? If so, what are they? I have 1 poster and its corbyn and then i gave 2 2019 calendars one is jake millers and the other is a friends tv show one and i have hats on tacs hanging, poloroid pictures and a giant s for my name

89.) Are you afraid of the dark? If so, why? yes, because the dark is mf scary

90.)What is something that you’ve never done but would like to try? sky diving or parasailing

91.) If you could choose three famous people or characters to be friends with, who would you choose and why? wdw bc why not and they cool, the cast of friends because they are me and i love them, niall horan bc hes the loml

92.) Do you smile at strangers when you pass by them on the street? sometimes

93.) Do you have a favorite TV commercial? If so, what is it? no

94.) Do you like your handwriting? no

95.) Cable TV or Netflix? netflix

96.) What are your favorite smells? beautiful day from bbw

97.) Do you consider yourself physically strong? no im a weak ass bitch

98.) Describe a time where you said something really rude or mean, whether intentional or not.

oh there are mnay times im a bitch

99.) Do you ask strangers to pet their dogs? yes

100.)What is your most embarrassing moment?

wasn’t even my fault but when a group of drunk girls mauled me down a flight of stairs in front of people and DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE LMAO also whe I tripped at my high school graduaton going to get my diploma.

101.) Has anyone really close to you ever died? If so, who was it and how did you handle it?

yes, my uncle and i did not handle it well.

102.)  Describe your plan of action if you were home alone and you heard someone break into your house.

Lock myself in a room and call 911 or fight them lmao

103.) If you were to be born again, would you want to be born male or female?

probs male

104.)  What shampoo do you use?

the cheapest one i can find

105.) Guess the meaning of this word: ulotrichous.

I dont even know where to start lmao definitely a phobia for something maybe

106.) Do you let messages (phone, email, text, social media, etc…) build up, or do you have to look at them right away?

texts i let build but everythig else i dont

107.)  Where is the nearest McDonalds to your house?

on the other side of town like 5 mins away

108.)  If you had $1 billion and you had to spend it in exactly one week, what would you spend it on?

makeup, concerts tickets, plane tickets, clothes, alcohol,food.

109.) What is the best thing you’ve ever eaten?

pasta for sure

110.) If you could go on a trip around the world with up to three people, who would you bring (they can be people you know personally or famous people).

Michele, Zion, thats about it lmao

111.) What expletive/ explicit phrase do you say most often?

fuck off i guess

112.) What is your personal definition of success?

happy with yourself, your job, your life as a whole

113.) How was your day today?

it was good, tiring.

114.) What is the closest Big City you live by?

hartford or probably new york

115.) Have you ever been in a car accident?

no

116.) Do you hide anything from your parents?

yes

117.) If you could possess one talent, what would you be able to do?

sing or dance.

118.) Ugly and smart or beautiful and stupid?

ufgly and smart

119.) What is the worst thing you’ve ever seen in real life?

i dont know

120.) Use only 3 words to describe how you want your future to go.

happy, imperfectly perfect and promising.

121.) QUICK! give me a few things a brick could be useful for

hitting myself in the head

122.) If you could make a dream society, describe it in great detail where it would be, who would be in it, and what rules there would be?

somewhere warm, my friends/favorite artists, no negativity, everything is free, the artists who live there HAVE to perform every other weekend.

123.) If you could make any animal miniature, what would you make and why?

giraffes so in can have one as a pet,

124.) What are your favorite candle scents?

salted caramel, flannel, vanilla bean noel, champagne toast, hot cocoa and cream,endless weekend

125.) If you HAD to have one plastic surgery, what would you get and why?

something to make me skinnier

126.) Do you prefer to hang out with the same sex or the opposite sex?

opposite--less drama.

127.) If you could make a charity, what would the profits go towards? How would you raise money for it?

animals,homeless people, children

128.) Describe the body you wish you had.

just a flatter stomach and thinner thighs

129.) If you were a famous director, what would your next movie be about? Describe the plot, characters, and possible title.

probs a romcom or a romance movie--to tired to make a plot

130.) If only women were to rule the world, how different would the world be by 2050?

very probably better tho

131.) What is your favorite alcoholic drink?

jack and coke.

132.) Do you have a problematic friend?

doesn;t everyone?

133.) Are you more spontaneous or more of a planner?

spontaneous

134.) If you could change your full name, what would your name be?

idk

135.) What is one song that describes your life?

probably wait for you by jake miller or invisible by anna clendending

136.) What is one show you’ve been meaning to watch but can never find the time for?

all of the ones in my list

137.) Do you find it easy to drop toxic people from your life that you’ve known for a long time?

yes

138.) Do you like children? Why or why not?

yes bc they’re cute af and funny and honest

139.) What is your zodiac sign?

pisces

140.) Do you like to dance? Do you dance often? In front of other people?

when im drunk

141.) Name some of your favorite colors.

blue

142.) Have you ever shoplifted? If so, what was it?

yes random stuff from walmart lmao

143.) If you could speak three additional languages, what would they be?

spanish, italian and french

144.) Have you ever been in legal trouble?

eh

145.) Have you ever had surgery?

yes twice.

146.) If you could change 2 things about yourself, what would you change and why?

my body and my face bc uglyand fat

147.) What do you want done with your body after you die?

cremated

148.) What three physical features do people compliment you most on? What do they say about them?

my hair, eyes and outfit sometimes.

149.) If you could have your own business, what would you do?

something that requires me to travel

150.) What current friend do you have that you’ve known the longest?

Angelica--known her before we were born 

[tyirsims]

Gosh i think i do sound like a Hater. im going to put this under a read more so if u are excited u don't have to see me complaining

ive always loved the idea of a farming pack but can't help but feel like, atm, this pack is only going to go halfway. Looking at the description on origin, two of the four features listed are: "buy early for exclusive content" and "new world". I don't think anyone would begrudge me saying the former of these two is equally funny and tragic for the first listed feature of a $40 game, and honestly idk if its an unpopular opinion but worlds are not features. a key feature of a game isn't where it is. sims will be walking around aimlessly in henford on bagley just as much as they do in oasis springs.

It seems much of this pack is relying on the recipe system in the base game which is usually totally inconsequential or simply annoying when it's enforced. like okay i can harvest eggs now and eggs on toast costs §4 less... fun? also do cows and llamas like... move lol? like walk around? or is this a cowplant situation?

i mean the chickens and rabbits definitely look cute - doesn't really feel like a flagship feature to me though. maybe that's the sticking point.

'Cause then what else is there? New skill with cross-stitching, okay. And not to be pessimistic but I'm guessing that the produce contest will be a weekly notification that quickly becomes annoying.

i was lowkey very excited for a farming pack, thinking that it would be a more integrated and refined version of what arnie is doing with his farming mod. but it looks like there isn't really any element of a farming business, just more things to click "harvest all" on. which is even less impressive considering the amount of high-quality custom harvestables being churned out by just a handful of modders.

i mean on the plus side, as usual, it looks great, but i'm just struggling to see how this is delivering any gameplay that will keep a person invested for longer than a 20 minute overview video on YouTube. early doors though, i guess. i'm sure new info and streams will come out and hopefully there's more to this pack (lot challenges sound interesting?) because at the moment it seems like a 6-month-too-late attempt to chase the cottagecore trend.

Not to be a Hater but..... what is the gameplay in this new pack? like i give my sim a bunny then what?

[dcnativegal]

Does the Federal Government act in its citizens’ best interest?  Discuss.

(written in January 2018)

Tomorrow is the State of the Union. Roads all around the Capitol building will be lined with police and traffic around there will be gridlocked. My friend Farrar, who is the Curator of the House of Representatives (and the least pretentious person you’d ever meet) will be sitting at the base of the podium as she must. The Awful Man who is our president by electoral but not popular vote, will lie and distort. What he says will be dissected by the left and praised by the right. Two years ago, I would have written, The Wonderful Man who is our president by electoral and popular vote will tell us things. What he says will be dissected by the right and praised by the left.

I also know that Obama deported more immigrants than previous presidents and stepped up the murder of other nations’ people by using drones. I’m having trouble finding something to praise about The Donald, just to be fair … um, most of my clients in Christmas Valley love him? (There must have been ONE thing he’s done that is beneficial and good. I’ll have to dig…)

Meanwhile, I’ve been reading articles about the relationship between the Oregon Ranchers and the federal government in articles like this one from the NYTimes.com:

Fear of the Federal Government in the Ranchlands of Oregon (https://nyti.ms/2Deywit), and this one from the other side of the aisle as it were: Fractured West: In Oregon and elsewhere, rural residents increasingly balk at Democrats’ progressive governance (https://www.city-journal.org/html/fractured-west-15611.html).   

I will say upfront and for the record that I do not understand the whole rancher/ timber/ spotted owl/ Bundy tangle for a single second. I will keep trying. Around here, the closing of mills wrought economic devastation decades ago. Was it the ending of logging thanks to that endangered owl, or was logging waning as an industry anyway? Coal is waning and there was no owl or canary to blame. I hope that healthy economies and wise environmental policy go hand in hand. Okay, call me a tree hugger.

What I do want to express is my own point of view on the goodness, the stupidity, and also the evil of the federal government, based on my life in the Capital City, the District of Columbia. As a social worker for the past 30 years I give thanks for the Older Americans’ Act, Social Security and other federal programs.  I also have many friends who have worked for the government. I think the federal government is all three things: good, stupid, and evil.

I will be learning for a very long time the particulars about how my understanding of government intersects with the understanding of the conservative people amongst whom I live, move, and have my being. Their experience is very different, although their reliance on the safety net is the same as urban folks’.

Valerie told me a story. One of the longtime rancher families have been using a gravel road through federal property right next to the Forest Service compound in Paisley. About once a year, this family rolls a big dump truck along the road to another part of their property to pick up several loads of gravel. Some whippersnapper, yes from D.C., figured this out and told them they couldn’t anymore: they were trespassing on federal property without legal right of way. The family stood up against this silliness and the regional manager stepped in. He has some age and wisdom on him and he told the young whippersnapper that the best way to get along with the ‘locals’ is not to be a rigid, bureaucratic dumbass. Either give them the right of way legally, or just leave the whole situation alone. Locals 1, D.C. Dumbass 0.

**

Top of the list of governmental evil is the work of “The Agency”, known to non-agency people as the Central Intelligence Agency, where my own dear father worked most of his adult life.  The CIA did the following:

·      Used LSD on government workers and soldiers. (Watch Wormwood on Netflix for a positively chilling multi-part documentary on how callously the CIA threw one of their own under the bus after giving him LSD. In fact, they murdered him, and covered it up for decades.)

·      Hatched plots that failed, like trying to overthrow Castro with exploding cigars.

·      The CIA also masterminded seven coups, each of which toppled  democratically-elected governments like that of Salvadore Allende in Chile and Patrice Lumumba in Congo. (Here is the map: http://foreignpolicy.com/2013/08/20/mapped-the-7-governments-the-u-s-has-overthrown/.  

We are learning that the Russians interfered far more than we could even imagine in the election process of 2016 and before. Ha, we are collecting karma. Our outrage should be tempered with the knowledge that we did the same stuff, more violently, and pre-Internet.  

**

I have said more than once that the key, that is, the entire solution to the swamp of lobbyists writing the bills and pulling the puppet strings of our congresspersons and senators (thank you NRA, Big Pharma, Northrup Grumman….) is campaign finance reform. If the American public was willing to pay a tax, a progressive tax so that richer paid more, to help candidates get elected, the swamp could return to a protected area of wetlands, and our congress could follow the will of constituents instead of corporations and organizations like the National Rifle Association.

In the absence of campaign finance reform, we have competing interests which establish public policy, and thus we get… the stupid and the evil.

Let us for a moment consider the good. ­­­­­ My friend Bonnie Milstein helped to establish the Americans with Disabilities Act. Her friend Sara Pratt enforced the Fair Housing Act which made a big difference in pushing against racism in rental housing. The Family Medical Leave Act allows people to take time to be caregivers or get extensive treatments without losing their jobs.

The Supreme Court finally allowed same sex couples to wed and therefore benefit from the more than 1,000 federal benefits that previously only accrued to straight people.

As a social worker, I am grateful that every jurisdiction in the United States has an agency dedicated to the welfare of people 60 and over. (Go to www.eldercare.gov and type in your zip code to find out which one is yours.) That the government, or ‘the state’ becomes the guardian of people 60 and over or younger than 18 who are not cared for properly by family. That there is a safety net, however shredded and stigmatized by wealthier people who think all who ask for help are malingerers.

Another act of good government was the Voting Rights Act of 1965. When my kids, their dad and I were visiting South Africa some 15 years ago, Jonah did some math in his head. He knew that the Voting Rights Act finally allowed black folks to vote, since the right to vote had been hogtied by rules that only applied to black folks following the passage of the 15th Amendment in 1870. Jonah also knew that apartheid ended in 1994. We visited in 2004. He says, so Black South Africans have been allowed to vote for 10 years (by then), and Black Americans for 40, right?

Right.

Eventually, the federal government corrects injustices. I wonder when reparations for slavery will come about.

There is much that is good in federal law and policy.

Then there’s the stupid. Like enacting Medicare Part D without limiting how long Big Pharmaceutical companies can keep their new drugs as patented, and making the American taxpayer pick up all drug costs once a recipient hits the other edge of the donut hole. If that flew over your head, just know that Medicare Part D covered medications but ultimately was a huge giveaway of bazillions to pharmaceutical companies, much of which was footed by the American taxpayer. Thank you, President Bush. Funny how it is such a sin for a person on food stamps to be supported by the taxpayer, and totally fine to support big corporations that already make huge profits.

I think that the area of stupid government policies and regulations are a big catchall for complaints of my neighbors, especially ranchers, former loggers, and the unemployed. I don’t understand how, yet. Valerie says that places like Lake County tends to get the young and the clueless federal workers and thus, the regulations handed down did not fit at all. I will keep listening.

The evil is distressing and much of it is ignored by the conservative capital P Patriots.  There’s the internment of Japanese citizens during World War 2—an exhibit and documentary just came through Paisley last week. There’s the turning away of ships filled with desperate Jews. There’s the entire Vietnam War. The murder of the Black Panthers’ leadership by the FBI. Did you know that the Panthers acted as a crucial social service provider in its day? They even used my old church to give out food.

I do agree with the capital P Patriots that federally waged war in Waco against the Branch Davidians (1993) was nuts. As was the killing of the black movement called MOVE in Philadelphia in 1985, which was less important to the capital P Patriots because, who cares about Black people. But it was the same government impetus: these particular folks are wrong and therefore it’s better to just kill them.

Let me say one more thing about the goodness of government that is important for not only the federal government but all democratically elected and appointed civil servants. It is designed to be fair. You are hired on the basis of talent and not who you know or how you voted. The current president thinks that bringing business practices to government will some how make it more efficient. What business practices introduce is cronyism and corruption. Every time Trump asks someone in the government whether they are loyal to him or not, he tears at the very basis of fair government.

I think that the reds and the blues can agree on so many things, and I believe we all want good government, not stupid or evil government.

I’m going to contemplate some more on bridge building, since I have to do that here in Lake County Oregon. I have no choice. It is not optional.

Meanwhile, my definition of patriotism remains the same as James Baldwin’s: "I love America more than any other country in this world, and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually."

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

I Wonder....

Hologram- The Technicolors plays in the background.

What race did i think i was in all this time? It was like this perpetual reminder constantly nagging me in my head...

what your 18 better not be singe for long-

 better go to college and forget about boys

- better get a degree and make lots of money

...married at 22 no degree - 

better excel in your career and climb the corporate ladder. 

hours of work and devotion 

BUT wait, dont work too hard you gotta have kids before your 30

what about an apartment- 

how about a trailer- 

how about a HOUSE. 

.. First son at 27- 

turning 30 at the end of this year. where did the time go?

...together for 11 years, married for 7 years, a 2 year old , a house, a dog, two cars.

i did exactly what i wanted to do in life.   i suppose.

don’t get me wrong i probably would seem obnoxiously ungrateful if i didn’t just stop there and say THANKS.

beautiful son. gorgeous husband.

the list goes on-  everything ive set my mind to in the past decade i have made come true.

NOW WHAT

i had this alarm in my head that i had to do “all this before 30″ why?? health reasons? statistic reasons? rumors? stories, why?

i feel like im rounding the last bend to a marathon i didnt even ask to be in? (or did i??!)

i think throughout my hussle and bussle (although i DID have SOME fun) i got lost in it all. I quickly entered the world of being 18 shattered battered and...engaged? positive that the love i was about to receive would catapult me into everything id ever needed.  (i guess it sorta did.)   career driven. beautiful. man on my side. ring on my hand “livin life” literally just climbing any career ladder i could- i had my “husband” as my cheerleader at my side. HUSBAND guys would say- “you’re to young”. yeah i got that ALOT. going to 21st birthday parties as the only married girl there. WHO WAS I.  we took married and young by the horns. i was so driven. you get over whelmed by the freedom. naturally you fall into some sort of rhythm because nice things cost money, and time just passes as you work and watch your work pay off. you feel accomplished. i was sure i saw my career in site and one would assume this WAS IT. this was the magic they talked about- enjoying your 20s- having a career u love- being MARRIED and secure. perfect...................

we were... the first couple to have an apartment. (so; big parties- no rules *rolls eyes)  we had a”wedding” so we had all these lovely gifts and things to lavish ourselves with in our first apartment. THE DREAM right?  just working and living and having fun. we traveled alot,, camped- we had big dreams to always be “like this” forever. in a moment (5 years into the beautiful maddness actually) we were sure we needed to materialize this power we had. this “love” we had needed to be a thing, a thing we wanted to nurture and bless and carry with us on our adventures. we had so much love we were ready to see what we could grow. (and grow it did- we had JP) 

the first year was hard- a new dynamic...we werent 2 anymore we were 3. and all of our decisions had a larger precaution. we wanted different things. rooted things. more stability. more direction. the air was different.

i was different.

i had put my career aside in my mind to concentrate on.on being something that something ELSE would flourish and grow beautifully in (um literally?) KIDS. i will be the first to tell you, kids were not on my radar (i just never saw myself as a kid person, i never understood the look parents give their little humans time after time- it confused me- it scared me i guess. it was just foreign.) till... i put allllll other thoughts aside. most definetly my first act of unconditional unselfish love. “hey self, we are about to give up our entire self to producing another human being” everything you smell eat touch. EVERYTHING. its like...well its like nothing youve ever gone through before until youve gone through it. we are fuckin amazing..the body can do some fuckin shit. COMPLETELY change in order to make this THING ... HUMANS and yeah. real hearts and lungs and little legs (oh and the hiccups, the awesome hiccups)

PHysically and mentally you go through some shit and although that may have been obvious to some- most??? it was not for me.

Mount Everest- Labrinth.

its just alot. im already not the best mentally- so to add this new function. emotional bandwith overload papi.

first its like 2,000 percent mom over load. YOU ARE A MOM and this teeny tiny creature needs you. NEEDS you. a need you thought you knew BUT YOU DO NOT. its this overwhelming warming beautiful amazing thing, the need a kid has for their parents. (i was IN IT- DEEP in IT)   IN love wasnt even the world. i do not loveeeee my son. my son IS LOVE. i can not explain it. but you get mentally rewired. i am not the girl i was before, im just not. 

i no longer wanted the career i had before. i no longer even wanted the LIFE i had before. i wanted more of this drug my son was giving me. this surreal daydream of laughs and kisses and just moments. time literally passes differently now. i see things differently now,  i feel things differently now. things have so much different meaning. i swear its as if im stuck in some molly, acid, shroom trip.

i feel like someone lit a fire to my soul and everything i touch now is illuminated differently.  when a person is growing inside you you can feel their heartbeat. you can feel the brush of their leg as they roll over to get comfortable. life has different meaning. LOVE has different meaning. love darling is caring you for 9 months and waiting with baited breathe for a stranger youve created. its a smell youve never smelled before and instantly is your favorite. its like you were never comfortable before they fell asleep in your arms, youve never known true peace until their skin was comfortable by yours. ITS PURE MAGIC .  i was different.  

some of the things i loved before, i- was confused about now. 

Love was different for me now,

how i wanted to give love.

how i wanted to receive love.

like a perpetual darkness was lifted from my eyes.

Wash.-Bon Iver

Im sorry i didnt know it would change ME. (im sorry about how cliche that sounds..)

from the moment i was little. it was go to school. get good grades. to go college. find a nice boy. get married. move in together, start a family- live happily ever after

but they leave out the nitty griddies. (even my own parents were divorced. who was anyone kidding) the years following our marriage all we heard about was how divorce was at its all time high. we vowed (among other things) that , that wouldnt be us. we both came from homes and divorce and we didnt want that for us. 

i think it was then that divorce became this ugly word. scary word. bad word.  i mean it is though..right?...

verb

1.legally dissolve one's marriage with (someone)

2.separate or dissociate (something) from something else.

we got married because. well im sure for different reasons?

i got married because,( it was what i was suppose to do?). you find someone you love and are attracted to and if your lucky enough to have them feel the same way- you... marry them. and thats that.you cant have kids or live with someone who you arent married too (said the stigma of my parents and those around me)  i mean i know theres more to it then that but a brief outline? leaving out all the mooshy stuff. you make this feeling legal, you change some names and now your not only emotionally reliant on this person but basically reliant on them for every fuckin single thing else too (basically).

marriage is beautiful.  if your lucky enough to find your soul mate in this world. someone who just gets you and enjoys your company and wierdness then your blessed and you would probably want to spend the rest of your existence with this person.  i mean it makes sense. 

its just as i’ve developed into this next stage of myself, ive made each of my actions have more purpose (i do this because everthing i do my son now sees and its just different now) howww i do something- what i say. i just think about it all and that includes the things i was naturally doing before that i never thought of.

marriage.  do i love my sons father yes. hes attractive and im attratced to him. hes funny and knows just how to make me laugh. its the little things. how he makes JP laugh or when their doing snuggles in his bed. how my son says Dada when hes upset or how he looks just like him. before my love for my husband was an array of things from love to lust- obsession. all the best and worse of love. we were inseparable. engulfed in each other in EVERY way, i knew we were in love and so did everyone around us. 

and then my son was born.

JP....i dont think you have to marry someone to show them how much you love them. i think true devotion starts with intention and your soul mate will know by your actions where your true feelings are.always be true. always be kind. i think if you want to love someone- love them fully, respectfully and unconditionally. learn and grow with them and from them and continue to make each other better people. and in that time you find your spark ignites another i employ you to indulge in meeting new people and new interactions. Make your heart full if you feel it hurting.  not bonded by anything physical but truly understanding that you were meant to love. REALLY LOVE. and maybe thats with one person forever, or a series of different people through out your life time in so many different and amazing ways. boys, girls.. just loving people and sparking the light in them only YOU can ignite. and becoming your best self.  only to continue to become your best self with that same intention for others. 

and thats my truth.   i look into your eyes and just want the best for you.knowing that’s different for you as it is me. but realizing i want to live by the example i want you to live by.

.... im not her anymore.

the day you were born i became someone new.