#i love my grandma and I wish I could see her without seeing my aunt but she’s always fucking here

[yoohyeon]

I hate my aunt so much

[yveltalreal]

tbh zygarde seems way more likely than houndour

HOW. HOW IS ZYGARDE MORE LIKELY? HOW IS A LEGENDARY POKEMON WITH NO PROOF OF EXISTENCE IN MY WORLD MAKE MORE FUCKING SENSE THAN A POKEMON THAT IS CONFIRMED TO LIVE ON THAT ROUTE THAT I RECOGNIZED??

you werent fucking there dont pretend you know what happened more than me because you werent. fucking. there. you arent in my world you arent in my life you dont fucking know what happened. you didnt lose an eye you didnt get permanent nerve damage in your fucking hand you didnt end up covered with scars across your entire body. you didnt feel the cold unfeeling hospital you didnt feel alone because your mom stayed behind in a region that was not her own to make sure you werent alone but you had to be alone because you couldnt be with her. you didnt have to force yourself not to be afraid of your own service pokemon. you didnt have to force yourself to come to terms with the fact your starter might evolve and you might be afraid of her too.

i know they were houndour and houndoom. i know they were hounds i know they were. i spent almost every moment of my fucking life with that same species. my moms houndoom was one of the pokemon that practically raised me. my entire family is nothing but hounds and teeth and you want to tell me i cant recognize a fucking houndoom. that my trauma has picked the wrong dog. i fucking wish it wasnt houndoom i fucking wish it wasnt that pokemon. do you know how fucking badly i wish i could look at my own mother without fearing she'd rip me apart like the pack of houndour too? do you fucking know how much it hurts to be afraid of your own mom when its not even her fucking fault? do you know how fucking hard it is to be afraid of my aunt and uncle and grandma and everyone else who has only ever loved and cared for me?

my entire childhood was spent petting houndour and houndoom. knowing them as safe. knowing them as family. it so scary to see what meant safe become what means danger. its so scary to be isolated from so much of my family because just looking at them makes me feel the teeth and the flames and the way my throat hurt from screaming from help when it was just me and the fucking dogs. no one helped me no one was there to help me no one was close enough to help me for THREE FUCKING DAYS.

IT WASNT FUCKING ZYGARDE IT WAS HOUNDOUR I KNOW IT WAS HOUNDOUR STOP PRETENDING YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS. YOU DIDNT HAVE TO FEEL THEIR TEETH AND THEIR FUR AND THEIR FLAMES AND THEIR CLAWS AND THEIR TEETH AND THEIR BREATH YOU DIDNT HAVE TO BE CHOKED OUT BY THE SMOKE, UNABLE TO SMELL ANYTHING BUT DOG AND FLAME AND BLOOD.

i could have died. i should have died and i didnt and all that happened was im afraid of my own family. i should have gotten my own houndour by now. it should be a houndoom by now. but i didnt fucking get one because i cant even know one might be nearby without being unable to breathe. i cant even look at canine pokemon without crying or my chest feeling tight. somtimes i can force myself through but never for houndoom. never for fucking houndour or houndoom. ill just feel their teeth again, pulling away, leaving me with nothing left.

maybe if i was a zygarde id be happy i got attacked. happy that i could prove that a legendary pokemon was real but its not real. its not fucking real. what is real is the pokemon that nearly killed me that you claim you know more about

so no. zygarde is not more fucking likely. you know whats more likely? that you're a pathetic piece of fucking shit who probably lives in their mothers basement because they're too fucking stupid to make it through high school or keep a job. whats more likely is that you have no friends in real life because no one can stand how fucking annoying and stupid you, so you have to surround yourself with fellow idiots online who have the critical thinking skills of a walnut. whats more likely is that

Bzzzrt! Everything above this is typed by Maple! He deleted this all and shut off his phone before actually replying but I put it back for you because you deserve to be called a dumb fuck like the idiot you are <3 -Love, .Zip, ZZT

[checkadii]

tipsy or drunk or mildly tipsy idk vent

Sometimes I wish dad went back because I don’t want to deal with him drunk ever again had enough of that growing up but then I think about it some more and I’d rather it be me than mom because at least here he has grandma and aunt to be wary of because they won’t tolerate him drunk but if he went back there’s literally nothing stopping him from being drunk starting from noon and moms tired enough but I’m still worried and scared for herlike . They love eachother they really do. They do care for eachother . But then I think about things some more again and I remember how I would sleep with ac off in the summer without a fan or proper ventilation in the goddamn Middle East just because it was loud and everytime I hear them starting to raise their voices while talking-becoming-arguing I just step out and stand in the living room doorway and they’d stop and then I think about when I was like. What. 6 and they got into a really bad fight one of the first I ever saw and dad kept me sat on the couch next to him and wouldn’t let me to go mom and she was holding my sister and we were both crying and my other aunt was there trying to get them to calm down and he yelled at mom about her deceased mother as an insult because yes unironically your mom and your dad are genuine insults here and they are very offensive and then he cursed/insulted ? Said something taboo about her very very elderly bedridden dad and so she just. Left. Started going upstairs with my sister and left me down there next to him and only came back down briefly to yell fuck you too because he did it first and neither of them comforted me from what I remember and then I think about it moreee and I remember how my mom would ask me and my sister if we’d be happier if it was just the three of us and I don’t remember how we answered her and the bajillion other times they fought and ohh there was this one time I locked myself in the bathroom and more or less started bashing my head on the wall. Ouch btw don’t reccomend but it got them to stop so. and think that was when they’d start trying to make sure I wasn’t there for arguements because whenever I was they widk try to settle it immediately so I’d. just sleep little and started saying up more and that’s probably when my internal clock hm got fucked up idk if jsut leave my room and take three steps to the living room doorway and they’d stop and I made sure that I kept my door open with a bottle or something since it swings shut by itself and I never really wore eerphones in the house at night even though I really wanted to sleep to music when I could and just had to deal with speaker plus low volume and the goddamn ac dude summers sucked and then I remember that my brother might’ve touched me and took a shower with me and that maybe the signs were there and that my sister used to yell the r slur at me and pretended she didn’t then talked about me behind my back even though our room was more or less connected with just an incomplete partition and I just doon’t know anymore and I started talking to myself at one point but it derailed into years of still ongoing feelings of paranoia where I’m convinced I’m being constantly watched and judged and I can’t do things without being conscious even while alone and I’m afraid of my thoughts and mind being resd and sometimes I’m convinced I see something but I don’t and sometimes I feel like there’s so many people in my room when it’s just me and that they’re hiding under the bed or on my closet or under my desk and I don’t knoww and then at this point I’ve taken to hst staying in a bubble and think about yhingd I like so I don’t have to think about other things and that leads me to forgetting the world sround me an di forget to keep in touch with friends and I forget to reply and just be thrrr for people and I don’t know

[blee-bleep]

Hello, I’m fairly new (you have a lot of talent, you make wonderful art) but I just saw your post about your grandma. I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is a very difficult thing and can be very confusing when you lose someone you had a bad relationship with. I was once in such a situation too. I don’t know how it was with your grandma, but I hated that person so much. And when they left… I missed them and I didn’t understand why. After all the things they did… after everything they caused… I still cared about them. I even felt guilty. How could I care about someone like that? I used to get angry at myself every time I grieved, every time I cried. Don’t make my mistake. When we lose someone, no matter how they influenced our lives, there’s an impact. After all, they were still a part of my life, a part of my world. They were a loved one. A member of my family. It changes a lot. And after all, I knew deep down, they still had some good in their heart. After everything… they didn’t deserve to die. And maybe, the thing I missed most was the relationship I wished I had with them.

It was very hard for me to move on. To let go. And I think this is mostly because I didn’t understand that I needed to forgive them. I kept holding on to this pent up feeling of hatred. This anger. But I should have forgiven them for everything they had done. Because forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. It most certainly doesn’t justify it. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Forgiveness is taking the knife out of your own back and not using it to hurt anyone else. Forgive them not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. You deserve to be able to let go. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. If you haven’t already, I think you should think about this.

And in the end, we shouldn’t see death as a bad thing, as when someone passes away, it creates another beautiful life. Like flowers dying in the winter, making place for beautiful flowers to blossom in the spring. That is, the merry-go-round of life. 

I hope you have someone to help you through these difficult times. And remind yourself that it is okay to grieve. It just shows that you have a good heart. I don’t know how it is for you right now but I hope I helped at least a little bit. Take care!

Oh and, life has many different chapters. Don’t let one bad chapter close the book.

-Sorry for the long text and all-

Thank you for this ask. i rlly needed to read it, especially abt the knife metaphor. I didnt live with my grandma as close as my other family members were but I still grew up with her, and her image is everywhere in my family (literally, my grandpa's genes are basically nonexistent). so its really hard to process how to grieve for someone you had a bad relationship with. her death esp impacted my parents and aunts, and there's a certain tension between them now.

for me, Im still learning to forgive and learn how to live without her, but rn its the guilt of not building a happier relationship with her im angry about because after all this time, she is still my grandma. this doesnt mean it justifies the horrible shit she said and done (and shes over 90!), but i feel like i can't make peace with myself when we heard that she finally passed. so thank u for your reassurance through this message. grief is truly hard

[gyubby99]

Reminders for me!! :)

My family would have to clean up my room and I’m not there, they would be wondering what they did wrong, they’d be wishing that they could bring me back.

My mom would feel bad for not being there for me. She’s always tried, and I appreciate her for that.

My friends would watch Belle without me and it would feel empty bc it’s my favorite movie

My online best friend would never have anyone to rant to about silly stuff and about her listening to her love playlist dreaming about having that one day. I would never get to see her happy.

My ocs would die

New Hellaverse episodes without me

My former teachers would be sad without me

My classmates would have no one to ask for help with math anymore

My friends wouldn’t have anyone to spend recess with

My aunt would beg me to bother her one more time

My grandma would miss scolding me even if it gets into her nerves sometimes

My best friend will have no one to talk to when someone breaks her heart

My online friends will miss a jelsa icon

People would be sending my hazbin acc messages

My godmother thinking it’s her fault because her dad did something to me. It never was.

People will think of me at the mentions of my favorite things and be sad.

I’ll never hear my favorite artists again. I’ll never hear Taylor again. I’ll never watch Belle again. I’ll never see frozen again. I’ll never get to read fanfics again. I’ll never get to write again. I’ll never get to sing or learn new things again

Everyone would see me lifeless and beg me to wake up like I begged my dad.

Everyone would see my letters and wonder what they did wrong, what they’ve done that was not enough.

I haven’t cleared my search history yet

Vox will lose his number one fan (L)

No more rants from my dump account

No more musicals to get into

My friends would think they weren’t a good enough reason to stay

My cat would lose the only person who’s nice to her

Everyone I love would lose me. I don’t want them to lose someone they love

My brother won’t even speak to anyone after he hears about it

My brothers gf would miss her baby sister

[a-concert-just-for-me]

Whatever hasn't been answered/whatever ones you feel like answering of these (cuz it's a lot lol): 1-4, 6-7, 12-13, 16, 21-23, 25-28, 31-32, 35-36, 43-44, 47-49, 51-52, 54-56, 59-65, 68, 70, 73, 79, 81-82, 84-85, 87, 89-94, 97-100

Noddy you’re insane. But I also like a challenge. Here’s most of them.

1. What were your summers like as a kid? My grandma and grandpa lived right next door, they took care of us while my parents had to work. In the summer, I usually just played pretend outside with my two cousins and sister that also lived next door on the other side of us.

2. Do you enjoy thrilling rides like rollercoasters? Yes!

3. Who was your childhood hero? I looked up to the creators of atla a lot!

4. What is your favorite book? Probably still Behemoth, the second book in the Leviathan series by Scott Westerfeld

6. What is your favorite outfit? Probably my cherry blossom tee with a pink skirt. Comfy and cute.

7. Does seeing people in love make you happy? Sad? Annoyed? Annoyed and jealous, if I’m being honest. I wish I could feel that way. At least as naturally as other people.

12. Iced drinks or hot drinks? Iced drinks. My favorite drinks are iced coffee and iced tea.

13. Bright colors or neutral tones? Hmm. Probably neutral. I’m a big fan of pastels, if that counts.

16. What’s your favorite feature of yours? As much as I complain, probably my squinty eyes. My Dad and Grandpa both have them too and I like that I inherited that feature from them. I think it’s endearing that our eyes disappear when we smile, lol.

21. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? I remember arguing with a cousin over the phone when I was little on if it’s okay to run a red light if no one else is at the intersection. I insisted it was because my grandpa told me it was. She valiantly disagreed. That phone call lasted forever XD

23. What's your dream date? I don’t know. Maybe a movie or car ride so I don’t have to make eye contact LMAO

25. Do you like parties? Nope. Too loud.

26. Did you enjoy high school? Somehow, yes. I liked band and during lunch I got a break from everyone by eating lunch in a teacher’s room.

27. Who is the craziest person in your family and why? Pfft. Dear lord. Just one? My family has issues. Gonna skip over the mental illnesses and addictions and interpret this lightheartedly. My bisexual??? aunt is the life of any party. She can make friends anywhere. She lies all the time, over the dumbest things too. She is so fucking funny and problematic and I love her.

28. What's your favorite holiday tradition? 4th of July. My grandpa hosts the best party in the area at his house. My uncle and dad are usually the ones that organize it. Along with the help of most other family members who cook, clean, set up, etc. A lot of people come out and we eat barbecue, play games, light sprinklers, and watch the fireworks show.

31. What's a show that everyone loves that you didn't? Survivor. It’s so boring to me.

35. Who are your top 5 celebrity crushes? Only one I can think of is Robert Sheehan. I love his hair.

36. If you could learn one language fluently what would it be? Ugh this is hard. The weeb in me says Japanese. The “language I’ve studied but am not great at” in me says Chinese. And the practicality in me says Spanish.

44. Do you have a favorite quote? “And the universe said I love you because you are love” and “despite everything, it’s still you.”

47. Biggest pet peeve? Someone demanding me to do a task without 1. prior notice and/or 2. me even agreeing to it

48. Favorite personality trait about yourself? I care a lot about fairness.

49. Sum up your type in three words. Goofy. Kind. Introverted.

52. Hot or cold weather? Cold weather

56. Favorite dessert? Cookie cake

61. What's your guilty pleasure movie? The Spongebob Movie

62. What's your comfort movie? Also The SpongeBob Movie

63. Is there a genre of music you don't like? Not a huge fan of country. Or rap with a lot of bass in it. Sensory ick

64. What's an album that you think has no skips on it? Through the Tides by Fish in a Birdcage

65. What's your favorite thing to watch on youtube? Reaction videos and aviation/diving disaster documentaries

68. What are you craving right now? Indian food

70. What's something you haven't done that you think most people have? Been in a relationship.

73. What time of day do you like best? Night

79. Do you like surprises? Hell no

81. What books influenced you most as a child? The Leviathan series, also the Care and Keeping of You books

82. Do you like kids? Yes! They can just be overstimulating sometimes.

84. Any wild stories passed around in your family? Apparently one time my dad and (older) cousin were walking across the beach on their way back to us from the bar and my dad tripped on a cord. The cord came unplugged and he accidentally cut off the music to someone’s wedding. Oops.

85. Do you consider yourself an independent person? Socially and emotionally? For the most part. Financially? No.

87. What was your childhood dream? I wanted to be a counselor to do better for the mentally ill kids like me than any of the “professionals” that handled me did when I was at my worst

89. What's one thing you want to achieve this year? Get a job that doesn’t make me burn out (impossible challenge)

93. What's your craziest work related story? One time a kid bit me on my boob really hard and left a bruise for weeks. One time another kid bit my finger and made it bleed so hard I had to go to the urgent care. One time one of our kids somehow spelled out the word ‘sexy ❤️’ by placing random letter stickers

94. What's the best job you've had so far? Being a carhop. It had a lot of downsides too but it is the only one I haven’t gotten fired/nearly fired from due to my autism swag yet LMAO

97. Are you more of a planner or a spontaneous adventurer? Planner, for sure

98. Do you think you see yourself the way other people see you? No. Depending on the context, most people would either see me as pretty wise and smart for some reason (friends) or the dumbest and most immature person you’ve ever had the displeasure of working with (coworkers). It seems like there’s never any middle ground. I’d like to think I’m in the middle of those extremes.

99. What's the last show you binged? The Owl House

100. What's one of your fondest memories? Making shadow puppets for my sister as we snuggled up in her bed when we were little

OKAY I’M DONE

[what-if-nct]

wait- why’s everyone turning 30 all of a sudden? ARIANA GRANDE IS TURNING 30? SELENA GOMEZ IS 30? YOONGI IS 30????? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? I THOUGHT THEY WERE IN THEIR 20S!!!!

no please don’t tell me johnny is turning 30- it would be a nightmare to see a guy like that turn into a dilf- 😭

breaking news, wonho is 30. WHAT THE FUCK GUYS? EVEN TAEMIN IS TURNING 30! WILL YOU GUYS STOP TURNING 30 AND TURN ANOTHER AGE LIKE- idk 69 or 420- oooooh that’s a sick number! i wish i could turn 420 and then smoke wee- OK THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT!

oh yeah we’re dying on jaehyun’s birthday in 2046. everyone blame it on jaehyun because it’s his fault. also, 2020 was 3 years ago?

Yeah, 93 babies turn to be 30, Then next year Taeil will be 30, and Sehun and Kai. Also my best friend and sister are like anticipating my 30th birthday more than me cause next year they're turning 30 and I'm like passing the 29 torch to them. Especially my sister cause we'll be 29 the same time for two months till my birthday. 30 is no different than 25. It's not a big deal. It just feels like dude I'm like an adult adult, I'm close to Carrie Miranda and Charlotte's ages in sex in the city. Which if you watched Sex in the city you'd know Carrie was still an absolute mess in her 30's. I honestly thought they were in their 20s and Samantha was 30. till they mentioned their age, then when they flash back to the 80s when they were 20 and Sam was 30, they looked like kids and their teen mom. Our perception of age is so skewed.

Time isn't real, it's made up. I am just trying to heal from everything in my 20s. Cause I do feel like I wasted most of my 20s cause I had to take care of my aunt since I was 25, and I do hold some resentment not gonna lie cause she treated me horribly but I was the only one able to help her, I honestly still hate I had to move in with her at 23, I don't know why my uncle thought that was a good idea. I'm sorry but that woman is genuinely evil. She told me and my sister we were the reason my grandma died and stood behind it when my sister called it out. She did not care. We were children when she passed. How can you blame children. You have no idea how much I wanted to just move out without saying a word. But rent is so high right now,

But I really started acting out at 24 just to have some resemblance of "fun' in my 20s. Which just led to me developing so much trauma I still haven't processed properly especially since the worst of it is only a few months fresh. And I just want to try to heal and I'm sure I'm playing catch up compared to people age I'm honestly just happy to make it this far. And that's what really matters every birthday you made it no matter the scars you brought with you, you made it. But at least I have a better sense of who I am. I did think I didn't know who I was had a whole breakdown. But it was just I thought who I am just isn't good enough and I have to be someone better.

So I'm trying to learn who I am is good enough and outside validation doesn't matter. Loving your body is easy, that's nothing been there for years. but loving who you are that is the hard part especially when you think you're not enough or you think you're too much and everyone hates you and you need to mold to a likeable version of yourself. And everytime I think what is wrong with me, I've always been made to feel who I was, was the problem and no one is ever going to love me but I hear with age you care less about what other people think and I really hope it is true. Happy 30th birthday all the 93 babies, you're doing just fine no matter where you are, no need to rush take your time.

[athetos]

Got to talk with my grandpa and a few relatives today and it was really nice. We looked through photo albums and my grandpa basically forced me to take some of my grandmas old shirts cuz he’s trying to slowly get rid of a lot of stuff. He also talked a lot about her last couple weeks which was heartbreaking but also comforting at the same time. I live in a different state now so I wasn’t able to physically be here for any of this and my brother travels for work so he wasn’t there either. It was nice to know how my family came together, usually this side of the family is pretty argumentative but even my aunt who hasn’t talked to any of us in years pitched in and came over for a few days. I miss my grandma a lot. I didn’t see her much after my parents divorced but it was good to reminisce over stuff that she did while I was growing up and also to learn a lot of stuff I didn’t know, like how she swam with a tiger and got locked in a cathedral in Europe. I love her and am grateful for the time we had together, I wish I could have physically been there during those last days though. Tomorrow we are going to her memorial and then we are going to a local restaurant she loved that we reserved part of. I don’t have my medication right now so the one pro is I can drink without worrying about having the world’s worst hangover after only a couple beers. I think it will be a good experience.

[annieintheaair]

I can't see what's coming ahead in the night but I'm willing to risk it. I'm willing to fight for every mistake.

My great aunt, Hedy, never got married or had any kids. I remember talking to my mom about it a long time ago and my mom always told me that it was okay because "Hedy had us." What she meant is that even though Hedy didn't have her own kids or husband, Hedy had my mom and aunt, and of course, my Grandma. Eventually, Hedy also had my siblings and me and my four cousins.

Throughout my childhood, I remember Hedy always being so happy. We had so much fun with her when we went to visit her and my Grandma. It wasn't until she was much older and seemed to be losing parts of her mind that weird things started to come out of her mouth. One minute it was about a cobbler (did she mean a shoe cobbler or a dessert cobbler?) and a potato chip man. Was there some story inside that she was dying to tell us?

As I drove home from the movies tonight (I saw AfrAId), I couldn't help but tear up for some reason. I thought about this week and how it has been kind of rough dealing with certain friends and then a random incident where my Volvo windshield shattered and now I have to buy a new one (I have to say, I have handled this incident like a champ and not cried once about it, despite how annoyed I am with having to pay a $500 deductible unexpectedly).

The day my windshield shattered, I had been at my sister's house all afternoon and was driving home in the rain. Had I stayed home that day, I'd be $500 richer, which is kind of painful to think about. After the incident, I looked at photos from the day with my nieces and nephew and their smiling faces reminded me that it was all worth it, even though it cost me $500.

I don't know why but it wasn't until I was driving home from the movies tonight that I remembered my mom telling us that it was okay because "Hedy had us." I thought about my eight (technically nine) nieces and nephews and what my life might look like down the road, continuing to live the single life without a husband or kids. We all loved Hedy so much and were devastated when she passed away. Hedy wasn't just like a great aunt to me but like a bonus grandmother. Maybe I'm meant to be the Hedy of the family. Right now I'm just Aunt Annie but someday, I'll be Great Aunt Annie.

I thought about what Hedy might have been trying to tell us. Maybe she had some heartbreaking story that she held in for so long that would have explained to us all why she never got married or had kids of her own. As I drove, I thought about how I admired her but wanted to have the courage to share my stories with my nieces and nephews. Maybe, someday, when they're older and going through heartbreaks of their own (and my heart will break for them but it's inevitable), I'll tell them my stories and give them the strength they need to move forward.

Back in March, after my breakup, I thought about how maybe my purpose in life is to be an amazing aunt who shows her nieces and nephews how loved they are. I know I'm not perfect but I do my best every time I go to my older sister's house and we pull out all of the crafts, make friendship bracelets, and then they give me the tightest hugs when I leave. I try to FaceTime with my younger sister and brother's kids whenever I can and always want to make sure that they know me, too. Much like my mother, I wish I could be in all of the places at the same time so that I could spend equal time with all eight.

I don't feel like I'm missing out when it comes to kids because I have amazing nieces and nephews that I love so much. They say that you never know love until you become a parent but I think that also holds true for being an aunt. You never know how big your heart can grow until you have nieces and nephews. I never understood how much my great aunt, Hedy, and my aunt, Sandy, loved me/us until I became an aunt myself.

I have been a flight attendant since my older sister was pregnant with her first child, Charlotte. All of my (eight) nieces and nephews know me as Aunt Annie who is a flight attendant. My siblings all raised their kids to look up at the sky, see airplanes, point, and say my name. Even though I'm not on all of the planes, they have some understanding of my job. My mom says I'm the "eccentric" aunt and in a way, I guess I am. I am happy to be the fun aunt, who does all the crafts, plays the games, buys them the things their parents won't, and listens to them and hugs them whenever they're having a rough day. I think everyone needs that in their lives and I know that life is not meant to be lived alone but gosh, I am so lucky to have this enormous family.

It's almost 10pm though and I'm tired and can't wait to crawl into my fresh (gecko/lizard-free sheets since I finally captured the gecko that has been living in my house/bed for over a month). It's my one night off and wow, I am tired.

xoxo

(Aunt) Annie

[peakyswritings]

OMG THIS WAS A ROLLERCOASTER Brummie I’m so sorry it took me so long to write this comment but I wanted to do it properly and with a clear mind!

" I...don't"

I LOVE how she took the reins of her own life here. And she did it in front of everyone💅🏼

Seems like Cal showed his true colours, with his little fit. And I loved how protective Tommy immediately got. Made me melt.

“ By order of the Peaky fucking Blinders. That's who"

This line always eats

I got so scared for (Y/n) when Cal attacked her, and I was so glad when Tommy arrived. You described the scene so so well, it was like having it in front of my eyes!

And I loved how you alternated it with Arthur and John’s scenes, which made me laugh so much😂. Arthur comparing moustaches was something I didn’t know I needed until now.

" At least he doesn't smell like Aunt Pols Sunday roast though, ay Arthur?"

Ah John, the little shit you are

And them freeing the crowd😂

" Y/N, meet Jayne. Cal's daughter"

Oh my god, what he did to the poor woman😭 his cruelty knows no limits. I’m glad the truth came out in front of everyone, he deserves the shitstorm that’s coming.

As Cal's reputation in high society came crashing down around him, so did his body as his widening eyes darted from face to face to the sound of scum and bastard leaving their mouths. All thanks to the strategically placed cane of an elderly woman, intent on seeing him take his fall from grace in a more... physical sense.

GRANNIE

I was waiting for her, I swear😂

" Now where in the bloody hell does Meredith think he's going?"

Listen I could quote every part of Arthur and John that made me laugh, but I’d probably finish this comment tomorrow😂 when they started making (and later taking) bets I lost it

But going back to (Y/n), my heart broke for her. Of course now she’s worried about people whispering behind her back, probably ridiculing her. And although Tommy’s intentions were good, no one can blame her for being upset. But I couldn’t help feeling bad for him🥺. Tommy and Grannie’s bond is one of my favourite things, they really grew fond of one another🥹

Cal was gone. His life ended by Tommy with a bullet through his head. Buried by his hand in a six-foot deep hole in an unmarked grave. His name forgotten for an eternity. No flowers laced in tears sitting beside his earthy tomb.

And we all rejoiced

I loved what (Y/n) did with Cal’s money. At least little Jayne will have the freedom to decide for herself when she grows up, without worrying about marrying for money.

The fact that Tommy keeps on visiting her, but respecting her wishes and waiting for her to be the one to approach him🥺

" Into the closest she goes!" she teased as you hurried passed her

Oh this made me giggle a bit.

Her conversation with Grannie was wonderful. You can tell her grandma wants the best for her, and only wishes to see her happy. And we finally found out about Grannie’s past! What a plot twist! My heart aches for her though, being separated from the man she loved…

I was giggling like a schoolgirl at Tommy and (Y/n)’s final confrontation. He was so soft with her🥹 These two are made for each other.

" Tommy. And I ride him every day" the corners of your smiling lips turned into an amused grin as a scoffing laugh loudly responded to your choice of name.

Ahhhhh I loved this

The image of Tommy gardening (and failing miserably) had me laughing. Poor man, he was really desperate, wasn’t he?

AND THEY MADE IT. They said those words. Amen.

They truly deserve their happy ending!

Brummie, you’ve outdone yourself with this series. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, and each part of it had me hooked. Your writing is just amazing, you have such an ability to mix drama, angst, fluff and funny moments never fails to leave me speechless! Amazing job!

MASTERLIST PREVIOUS PART

Uptown Girl (Part Nine/ Final Chapter)

Summary: As the gathering of guests in the small bricked church, wait on your stuttering response. Tommy is also left, holding his breath for the finale of his carefully timed plans to come to fruition. Will things pan out as he intended? Or will fate be the ruling decider over the day's events?

Warnings: Language, angst, violence, mutual pining, use of one racial slur.

Word Count: 5500

Fuck, fuck, FUCK...where are they?! Tommy's panicked eyes darted between the large oak doors to you stood at the altar as your stuttering response torturously echoed back to him.

Hands clammy, ears ringing. His heart rattled furiously against its bony enclosure as a surge of adrenaline coursed through his veins. Forcing him onto his feet just as you let your long awaited response slip past your lips.

" I...don't" your wobbly voice answered, head shaking in unison with the internal thoughts that had spurred on your response as Cal's grip on your fingers tightened, crushing them between the pads of his palms.

Rather poor and homeless, you thought to yourself as your answer settled among the many guests attending the supposedly joyous day. The very same answer, you'd be a fool to deny you hadn't already settled your mind on, ever since the day you learned of the promise your father had selfishly made on your behalf.

A life of hard labor suddenly sounded as peaceful, as comforting as the last rays of summer glittering through the technicolour stained windows warming your skin.

Your willingness to take on the burdens of others had finally made way for something you had shown throughout the entirety of your troubled life. Will power. Backed with a shit tonne of your famously brooding stubbornness, of course.

"Now, sweetpea..." Cal's teeth gritted together, pulling you into him like a flimsy rag doll, limp from hours of play as a sudden dread of fear rolled up your spine, eclipsing your renewed confidence as he made his intentions clear.

" Father, proceed" his head snapped towards the cloaked man, brazenly ignoring your protests and the wave of startled gasps from the members of high society watching from the pews.

"I'm sorry sir, but we..."

"I said proceed, goddamit!" Cal's voice snapped with fury, holding you tightly in place when a bellowing voice boomed from the far end of the small chapel, swiftly commanding Cal's attention.

" Enough!" Tommy yelled, hands clasped fiercely onto the back of the wooden bench in front of him. " You heard her. Now, let her go" he warned, his menacing tone of voice accompanied by the two gloomy shadows sat beside him. Teeth baring as they excitedly awaited to draw the blood of any man who dared to pick a fight with them.

"Him?" Cal scoffed as he snapped his eyes back to you, refusing to accept that less than a month's worth of time spent with a cutthroat gangster was enough to sway your mind from a life of unimaginable riches and titles that he had to offer " A gypsy thief?"

As your eyes turned to Tommy, a watery cloud of unspent tears settled in front of your vision as those present waited on your answer for a second time. An answer you found yourself unable to give under the suffocating sea of eyes, drowning you under the pressure of their stares. An answer you would flee from in a flowing stream of taffeta and lace down the aisle you had solemnly walked mere moments ago.

Running past the lure of Tommy's eyes, you crashed through the church doors and away from the answer he waited on berated breath for.

" I think it would be best if we postpone..." the priest turned to the many guests as the heavy tension you had left at the doors of the chapel in your dramatic departure, weaved its way through the sounds of shuffling feet and hushed whispers.

" Wait!" Cal stopped him as he smoothed back the stray hairs, greased with lacquer that had fallen In front of his darkening eyes.

" She just needs a little convincing, is all" his attention narrowed in on the towering wooden doors, sharply turning on his polished heel with an unstoppable determination to have his way.

Unwilling to sit idle, to see for a second time the bruising damage a private conversation with Cal ended in. Tommy stepped over his brothers, rapidly following after the echoes of raised voices that distanced him from you.

"Hold up, gents" Arthur's long body lurched in front of the exit, stopping the two pompous friends of Cal from interfering in the scrap undoubtedly about to take place.

" By the order of who?" Dicky, the son of the notorious butcher of Bordesley Green spat as a heavy hand settled on his shoulder, a quick smirk of enjoyment flashing across its owners face as he looked to his younger brother. Prolonging the schooling of the self-righteous twat in front of him on just who he was up against.

" By order of the Peaky fucking Blinders. That's who"

Dragging your body outside, you let your gasping lungs inhale the welcome chill of Autumn approaching as you let the weight of your body rest against the hood of one of the many cars lined up along the browning hedgerow.

Finally, it was over. Your refusal of marriage made known to all those present. For if god was your witness, then so were they. And soon the joyful chattering of gossip would rapidly make its way among high society. With tales of Cal's abhorrent temper unmasked under the watchful eye of the almighty and all those attending.

" Please, just a moment" you briefly looked up to the sound of concerned footsteps making their way across the cemented ground as you rested your trembling hand on your heaving chest. But concern was far from what was coming your way.

Within a blink of an eye, you felt the full force of Cal's body slamming you into the car. His fingers wrapping tightly around your throat.

" You little bitch!" he seethed through gritted teeth, releasing the shame, the anger he felt for having been shown up in front of the many noble faces of high society he deemed more important than the sentiments of the woman he was supposedly in love with.

"You dare to show me up? Me?!" he spat, inches from your face as his fingers curled around your throat.

" Cal..." you mumbled, desperately scrambling for air as you watched the dimming rays of sun cower behind the looming frightful sight in front of you.

" Now, we're going to go back in there. And you're going to tell everyone how you were overcome with a touch of the old cold feet. Ok sweetpea?" he squeezed his fingers around the protruding veins of your neck, impatient for your response his ignorance and straining grasp hadn't realised he was delaying.

"No..." you wept, furiously shaking your head as your hands searched for something, anything to hinder him from squeezing the last breaths of life you so desperately wanted to live.

" When will you understand, Y/N. I always get my..."

His damning words were abruptly delayed as you felt his body being pulled off you, his grip releasing from your neck through searing gashes as his nails dragged along your reddening skin.

With dazed eyes, and rattling lungs, you pulled yourself up to the sound of feet shuffling along the gritted ground, bodies grappling in a bloody fight, dulling out the ringing in your ears. Tommy.

"Lard" Arthur noted, pointing at the neatly curled moustache sported by one of Cal's lackeys as he internally weighed up who had the mightiest tash of whiskers out of the two of them.

" I beg your pardon?" the gentlemen's brows scrunched with insult that he, a man of such standing would use a kitchen staple intended for the roasting of spuds on his pampered face.

"To keep the strays in place" Arthur replied, smoothing down his own perfectly trimmed moustache with the pads of his fingers.

" Lanolin" the pompous man turned his head up and away from the gangster and his accompanying guard dog keeping a strong hold on the church doors.

" Beggars can't be choosers" Arthur sniffed as he straightened his tailored suit, raising his chin above his competition. Still bloody taller.

" At least he doesn't smell like Aunt Pols Sunday roast though, ay Arthur?" John sniggered, earning him a sharp blow to the side. The toothpick twirling between his teeth, dangerously close to making its way down his throat from the force of his brothers strategically placed knobbly elbow.

" Fuck off, John boy"

"Stop!" You screamed watching Cal and Tommy throw fists at each other, the flaps of their tailored suits casting shadows under their scuffling feet with every dodge of their bodies.

"Tommy, please!" you tumbled forward, trying to calm the rage within him before he left you with the slaughtered image of a dead body sprawled onto a guests' car as he held the upper hand over Cal. His gun swiftly pulled from its holster, now firmly nestled into the neck of his opponent.

" Y/N, back!" He pushed you away from the line of fire with his free hand. Bloody knuckles staining your ivory gown as his finger squeezed around the beckoning lull of the trigger, seconds from blowing a bullet through Cal's skull.

" Mr Shelby?" A meek voice broke Tommy away from his gory endeavor as you turned in unison to see a veiled woman holding the hand of a dark haired tot, tearfully sobbing through her wobbling bottom lip.

"Can't hear anything" John mumbled with his ear pressed up against the wooden doors as a small crowd of inquisitive eyes gathered around him.

" It's gone quiet" Arthur smirked to his brother, satisfied the grave Tommy had personally dug that morning would soon be filled with the body of the bastard that had delayed his punishment in the back alleys of Small Heath.

" Perhaps an ambulance is warranted?" One of Cal's acquaintances stepped forward before swiftly being pushed back into his rightful place in the newly established pecking order, void of status and wealth but instead, muscle and crazed instability.

" Are you doubting my brother's ability to get the job done, ay?" Arthur squared up to the mumbling man, offended by the mere suggestion that a Shelby, reared from fighting stock would acquire backup to take down one lone man.

" Wha...?" the pompous prick replied, suddenly realising that the only call worthy of being made was that to the foreboding sound of a horse-drawn hearse.

"Alright, alright! Give us some space. Bloody hell" John rolled his shoulders as the many guests pushed forward, eager to see the gruesome sight like the jeering crowds that waited on the ax mans delivering blow from times before.

" Anybody would think they've never seen a scrap before!" John shouted over the murmurs and growing excitement as he looked to his brother.

" Well, brother..." Arthur's smile deepened into a mischievous grin as he pushed the doors open, freeing the crowd like a King would his loyal subjects. " '...'ave at it boys and girls!"

"Tommy? What's going on?" Your eyes darted from the small child's whimpers to Tommy lowering his gun as he released his grip from around Cal's collar.

Plagued with his own childhood horrors, he'd be damned to inflict such nightmares on another innocent mind caught in the cross fire between the affairs of adults, their fragile minds were too young to understand.

" Y/N, meet Jayne. Cal's daughter" Tommy pulled away, resting his hands on his knees as he caught his breath.

" Daughter...?" Your brows knitted together, your attention pulled back to the sweet girl standing patiently next to her guardian.

" Our Jayne's only surviving family" the sister from the convent informed you as the sound of the crowds footsteps came to a stop, curious by the unexpected change of events.

" Utter nonsense!" Cal straightened the lapels of his suit as he eyed the rosy cheeked toddler from the corner of his eye. Seething with disdain for the image of himself he saw in her.

" Dear god...she's the spit of you" Johnathan remarked as Cal's head snapped away with a scoff.

" Only surviving family? But her mother...where's her mother?" Your curiosity peaked for the small child and the unusual tale her presence brought as you noted the subtle exchange of glances between Tommy and the woman that cared for her.

" Dead" Tommy straightened his back, his eyes snapping to the gulping man whose hidden lies, now held the attention of all those present.

" Found strangled to death in her bedsit two years ago, with her newborn daughter screaming in her bassinet beside her. Cal's daughter" Tommy looked to you as the horror of the childs early life came to light.

"Her murderer stood here, a free man, with us today" Tommy let the darkness that Cal had hidden from his life of riches be known as the sudden realisation that you could have shared the same fate rattled your nerves.

" A troubled life she led, but we are not ones to judge. Little Jayne is in our care now, away from danger" the sister revealed as she caressed the plump cheek of the small child, before her eyes snapped to Cal shuffling away from the growing whispers and stares of those stood watching.

His liking for visiting the back alleys of Birmingham and the service's they had to offer, was now laid bare for all to see. How he had dodged the repercussions of the horrors he had inflicted with the help of his wealth and status, avoiding the deadly drop of the hangman's nose as punishment for the life he taken from a woman few cared for, exposed. His most favourite choice of punishment, brushing down the film of sweat sitting on his forehead, those of the hands he used to squeeze the life from Jaynes' mother.

As Cal's reputation in high society came crashing down around him, so did his body as his widening eyes darted from face to face to the sound of scum and bastard leaving their mouths. All thanks to the strategically placed cane of an elderly woman, intent on seeing him take his fall from grace in a more... physical sense.

" Ever so sorry. Shakey hands" your grandmother looked down past her nose to Cal slumped on the ground at her feet, her fingers as steady as a meadow of flowers on a windless day clutching around the top of her cane.

" Now where in the bloody hell does Meredith think he's going?" Arthur's moustache twitched at the scrambling man, formerly known as Cal, running through the gritted ground away from Arrow House.

" I'll get him" John swiftly pulled out his gun, closing one eye as he honed in on Cal heading for the small pasture of galloping horses.

" Steady on, John! You'll take one of the bloody toffs' heads off" Arthur lowered his brother's revolver as the herd of guests ran forward, keen to see how the day's thrilling events would end.

Stood back, Tommy's eyes drifted to yours. Desperate for your acknowledgment, for you to seek comfort and refuge in him. But as he watched your eyes cast down to your shuffling feet, he was met with the glistening flicker of unspent tears, pooled under your batting lashes. Shit.

" Bloody hell, that horse is as skittish as a Catholic girl on confession day. She'll buck him off" Arthur's eyes narrowed in across the field to Cal precariously sat on your white mare.

" Five says she won't"John put his hand out, keen for the day to not got to waste as he waited for his brother to take the bet.

" Go on then" the two brothers shook on it in a slimy spit-covered pact as serious as any pinky promise.

Gripping onto the ivory mane of your horse, Nelly violently bucked with her hind legs as Cal desperately tried to control her erratic movements. The crowd of people that had gathered by the rickety wooden fence, encouraging the theatrical display with waving hands and hurling cheers until she delivered one mighty kick, throwing Cal off head first into the muddied ground below him.

With a satisfied flare of her nostrils, notorious Nelly gave one last boot into the face of her unwanted rider for good measure before happily trotting off to join the others grazing.

" 'ere" John relented, pulling five coppers from his pocket to a gloating Arthur.

" Five bleeding shilling!" Arthur looked down at the jingling coins in his hand, expecting the feeling of crisp pound notes to warm his fingers.

" Tit" Arthur mumbled, smacking the back of his younger brother's shaved head as the crowd's laughter grew to a roaring thunder at the sight of Cal, muddy and dazed, slumped in the grass feet from them.

Stood away from the crowd, their echos of laughter, their grinning smiles of amusement tapered back to you. Your life had been turned into a circus, on display for the enjoyment of others.

Pulling up the dragging ends of your dress, you turned and leave, running from the laughter of those who would soon be gossiping about the pitiful life you led during their afternoon luncheons in the most prestigious of tearooms.

" Y/N!" Tommy called after you, watching the cascade of tears that you had desperately kept from the peering eyes of others, trickle down your cheeks.

Shit, shit, shit, Tommy thought to himself as he ran after the rippling ends of your muddied dress, suddenly realising he had taken it one step too far in his fondness for a dramatic conclusion.

" Darling..." Tommy's feet came to a stop behind you, his hands gently cupping your waist as you sought solitude behind the small bricked chapel away from the lingering sounds of laughter.

" Go away, Tommy!" You snapped your head back to him as he raised his hands in surrender. Carelessly brazen enough to approach you without precaution like he would with your jittery horse that shared your guarded nature.

" Y/N, I'm sorr.."

"I'm glad you all find this funny. My life, the grand finale to your finishing act" you cut off his intended apology, pulling the netted veil from your head, the pearl necklace from around your neck through frustrated sobs." Would you like me to get up and dance for you all too?"

" Hey, c'mere" Tommy sighed as he tested the waters with an apprehensive step in your direction, unable to withstand the upsetting sight he was responsible for.

" No!" You snapped back, unapologetic with your adamant refusal to be comforted by the day's event and the harrowing fate that could have awaited you if your response had been two letters short.

" No, Tommy. Not this time " you shook your head, watching the hurt of your rejection pull down the corners of his eyes as you turned to leave. Shunning him out like he had done to you without the slightest possibility for reconciliation.

" Don't fret dear, she'll come around" Grannie made her presence known as she turned the corner to see the internal battle Tommy was inflicting upon himself as he watched you leave.

" I'm not so sure, Dowager" he turned back to see the gentle smile, creased with fine lines of wisdom greeting him.

" Call me, Grannie" she placed her cane in front of her, slowly stepping towards a man whose fractured heart had taken another self-imposed blow.

" I'm afraid she comes from a long line of stubbornness, Mr Shelby. Best let that steam cool off, or I'm afraid you may get burnt. And nobody likes the sting of that" she patted his arm, drawing his attention away from you marching down the dusty path his longing eyes desperately wanted to follow after.

"That was quite the finish, Mr Shelby. Are you sure you're not classically trained?" your grandmother teased, earning her the boyish smirk of amusement she had grown fond of.

" Not too much, then?" Tommy's eyes playfully asked as he gave her his arm to take, leading her back to the ruckus you had fled from.

" Goodness no. What's life without a little show, hm?" Grannie giggled as a loud wave of cheers came from the enclosed paddock.

" Seems we're not so different after all" your grandmother nodded to John sat on Nelly riding her one handed like a bucking bronco as Arthur worked the cheering crowds collecting bets.

" Five shillings says she kicks him off" Grannie turned to the grinning gangster with her hand out, lightening the heavy mood that shadowed above you both.

" You're on"

Sat back at your brooding spot in the bay window of your grandmother's cottage, you watched as the maple tree in front of her house disheveled its crisp leaves from its branches one by one into a high enough heap to jump in to, in a fit of giggles. But laughter had escaped you for more than eight weeks since Tommy dramatically exposed Cal's secret. And although you were safe from ever feeling his heavy hand strike you again, you let yourself slip into your solemn thoughts, relentlessly mulling over what had been unearthed.

Cal was gone. His life ended by Tommy with a bullet through his head. Buried by his hand in a six-foot deep hole in an unmarked grave. His name forgotten for an eternity. No flowers laced in tears sitting beside his earthy tomb. And like everything in your life, you were faced with an unexpected twist of fate.

Arrogantly bold enough to assume you would be his wife, Cal had prematurely signed his estate over to you until you birthed a son.

A child that never came to be, a demise quicker than expected, you were left with his thousands and the harrowing reminder of the young child he had fathered. Jayne.

Relinquishing the hefty sum of money left in your name, you forwent a life of unimaginable riches, and set up a trust fund for the orphaned child in the hope she would be able to carve her own future, free from the ruling hands of greedy men.

But with all matters settled, one still occupied your every waking breath. Tommy.

" Speak of the devil!" Grannie announced, suspiciously in tune with your internal thoughts of melancholy as she turned her head to the sound of a Bentley steadily driving up to her gated home.

" Right on time" she giggled as you flew up from your seat, eyes darting in a frantic panic to the weathered window.

" Into the closest she goes!" she teased as you hurried passed her, making a beeline for your trusted hiding space in the cramped hallway. A spot you had cowered yourself in each week over the past two months.

"Mr Shelby" Grannie opened the door, the gentle autumn breeze bringing notes of whisky and tobacco, with a handful of ribbon tied hydrangeas along with it.

" Grannie" he greeted her, kissing her cheek in a loving familiarity as his eyes searched behind her for a sign of you.

" Y/N?" He sighed, questioning your whereabouts as you battled with a precariously placed broom beside you in the darkened room, the door ajar enough to see the shine of his blue eyes longing for a glimpse of you.

" Indisposed I'm afraid" your grandmother gave the disappointing weekly response he'd become accustomed to.

" In the closest" she quietly mouthed, rolling her eyes as Tommy's darting gaze met yours through the thin line of light. Taking you aback enough for you to stumble into the aged broom with a thud. Oh, bollocks.

" Tell her I came by" Tommy left the bouquet of flowers in the hands of your grandmother, his pining eyes still firmly fixed on the shadow of your body behind the door.

" You have my word" your Grannie patted his hand before he turned to leave with one last glimpse of your batting eyes through the rays of sun shining through the glass-framed door he'd opened.

Never staying for long. Never intruding into your life without your welcome. Tommy would make the long drive to your Grans home in Cheltenham, arriving on the dot at exactly 12.05 every Friday.

Like a delivered telegram, like a small hello. He made it his weekly routine to show you how much he still longed to have you back in his life. How much he missed you.

" No sense in hiding anymore, dear. Your inherited clumsiness gave it away" your grandmother shut the front door, turning to see the irritated pout sitting on your lips.

" For you" she handed the freshly picked bouquet of flowers, you ceremoniously tossed in the bin along with the others.

" My sweet summer child, sit with me" Grannie sighed, ushering you to her favourite armchair beside the window of her garden.

" Before you say anything, it will never work" you stopped the words of advice your stubbornness was intent on ignoring.

" I don't even like him...that much" you started to ramble, releasing the many excuses you had convinced yourself of one by one to your grandmother's stuttering lips as she tried to get a word in. " He's so pig headed, so cocky. So..so stubborn!"

" Stubborn?" your grandmother raised her brow, a pursed smile of amusement for the characteristic he shared with you. " You're more alike than you care to realise, my dear"

" I'm nothing like him. We come from two completely different worlds, Grannie" you crossed your arms, blowing the lock of hair from in front of your eyes as you fell back into your seat like a stroppy child. " God, why won't he just let me be..."

" That's where you're wrong, my dear" Grannie leaned forward, taking your hand.

" I have a confession" she whispered. An urgent enough secret that she felt it best said in a hushed voice to you, the only person within close proximity to her home, if not miles from the nearest sign of life. " We're counterfeits"

" Counterfeits?' you voiced louder than intended as you scooted forward in your plush seat.

" Good heavens, child. Do you want the whole of the county to hear?" she scolded you and your rolling eyes as she returned to her story

" His name was Jack. Known to some as, Jack the lad from Digbeth" she divulged into her past, reliving her younger years through the memories she cherished.

" A strapping stable boy who worked on my father's land. We had taken a fancying to each other, and after a summer's night in 1847 I found myself in a rather troublesome ballooning predicament.

" Grannie..." your cheeks blushed, hearing the details of your grandmother's risky teen years hidden behind the prudishness she had shown throughout her entire adult life.

" Don't think I don't know how my favourite afternoon treat was void of its jammy filling, dear" her brows raised, reddening your cheeks to the same shade of her favourite jelly before returning to the tales of her younger years.

" He asked me to marry him, said we'd run away together and join the fair...a hopeless romantic. Of course, when my father caught wind of our plans, my Jack was banished from the home, and I was quickly arranged to marry into a noble family before my growing secret revealed itself before my wedding night" she finished, feeling a pang of sadness for her long-lost love she'd never see again and the son they shared, your father.

" My dear, we're not of blue blood, not even a hint of turquoise" she wrapped her fingers around your young hands, free from the wrinkles that creased hers.

"You come from the same cobbled streets of the man whose heart and your own you're breaking. Fate brought you together, my child. Best not to piss it off with your shared stubbornness and start off on the wrong foot, dear. Bygones be bygones, hm? She sent you a gentle smile of encouragement as your brain scrambled to reevaluate your life after yet another exposed secret.

A family of commoners. The most freeing of revelation you could have ever discovered. Not only were you free of Cal, you were free of the restraints high society held on you. Free to love and live the way you wanted, with the man you wanted. If you would let your bullheadedness be buried with the troubled past you still held on to, of course.

"Easy girl" Tommy brushed his hand along the mane of your horse, calming her jittery nerves when something, or rather, someone caught his attention in the dark orbs of her eyes.

As the smell of your sweet perfume filled his senses, the sound of your heels clicking along the cobbled stable floor sang in his ears. His hand, unsteady as your horse's temper, rested on her back, fingers rising with each calming, heavy breath she took.

"Am I in hell?" He teased, the curling lilt of his black country accent heard through the small smile of playfulness on his lips as he stood with his back to you.

Slowly approaching, you rested your hand gently on his coated arm as his shoulders relaxed in response to the comforting feeling of your touch. Only for the skin prickling reaction to be swiftly snatched away when you poked him in the ribs shortly after.

"Nope. Still alive" Tommy grunted, a hint of a throaty laugh heard through his wincing breath.

" Hey" his voice pattered out upon seeing your radiating beauty, his eyes had gone too long without gazing upon as he turned around.

"Hi" you quietly replied, apprehensive as to how he'd take your sudden appearance back into his life you'd hidden yourself away from for two months.

"You came home" his lips softened into a loving smile as he stepped towards you, desperate to pull you into him.

" Is it my home, Tommy?" Your eyes lowered, darting with every quickened breath back up to his gaze as he took in the fading sun's glittering film of light on your wind-nipped cheeks.

"Ours" he soothed the redness from your skin as his thumb brushed over the slopes of your face down to your plump lips as an unknowing silence of how things would pan out, settled between your bodies.

" New horse?" Tommy broke the quietness hovering over you both, lightening the mood before a heavy discussion of hurt feelings ensued.

For now, he wanted to bask in the moment as you stood in unison with him. And with your relieved sigh of acknowledgment to the black stallion stood outside the stables, he was reassured to know that you too, welcomed the distraction. Let bygones be bygones, as your Gran would say.

" Moody looking thing, what's his name?" Tommy led you forward for introductions, resting his hand on the slope of your back.

" Tommy. And I ride him every day" the corners of your smiling lips turned into an amused grin as a scoffing laugh loudly responded to your choice of name.

" Tommy, eh? Sorry mate, but we can't have that. I'm gonna have to steal your girl back" he patted down the muscled body of your stallion before guiding your giggles outside to the front of Arrow House.

"Still in tact, I see" you looked up at the bricks of your childhood home, feeling his eyes roam over your face, hand holding you tightly next to him. " Seems you managed fine without me"

" The house hasn't been the issue" Tommy turned you to face him as your hands brushed up his chest, fingers curling around the lapels of his tailored jacket.

" It's me. I've been bored. Got me gardening, it's been that bad" he revealed his newly-founded hobby as your eyes drifted down to the potted flower, miserably limp with a stubbed out cigarette in its earthy soil.

"Goodness, going well I see" an amused smile for the green thumb he didn't inherit from his Aunt pulled at your lips as you felt him raise your eyes to meet him, his thumb hooked gently under your chin.

"No more avoiding me, sweetheart" His fingers brushed along your skin, cupping your cheek in his hand as he searched for reassurance that things wouldn't slip into how the past two months had panned out.

"Especially not in closets, eh?" he teased as you matched his toying smile, closing your eyes as he pressed his smiling lips into yours in a tender embrace.

" I lov.." you both stumbled to give your confessions of loyalty as you broke apart.

" Ladies first" Tommy shot you a wink, his playful response echoing the moments you had spent together in blissful torment of each other.

" I love you" the three-worded confession slipped past the draw bridge of stubbornness you had lowered to welcome him back in.

" I love you too"

Pulled into the warmth of his chest, an intoxicating sense of calm and comfort pulsed through your bodies.

For as the saying goes, home is where the heart is. And your hearts had finally found a home, in each other. Always.

The end.

Thank you to everyone that commented, reblogged and liked this series. Your interactions helped me finish this final, long awaited chapter. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the ending in the comments below! Thank you again, my lovelies ❤️.

Brummie xxx

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[timeoverload]

I didn't go to bed when I wanted to last night. I couldn't shut my brain off or get comfortable. I was having a lot of bad thoughts but I stopped myself from saying anything about it.

I was really upset because the only working light in my room broke. I liked it because I could change the brightness and the color of the light. I tried to reset it several times but it was strobing so I gave up on it. I guess I'm not good at fixing stuff like that by myself. The bulb on my ceiling light has also been burned out for a while and I didn't have any bulbs to put in it. I had to sit in the dark last night and it sucked. I went to go get some light bulbs when I woke up so I can see. I forgot how blinding my ceiling light is because it doesn't have a cover on it. I am wearing a hat to protect my eyes from getting strained. I don't have any prescription sunglasses. I wish I didn't have such sensitive eyes. I really didn't want to have to order a new floor lamp but I think I'm going to have to. I'm going to look at them this afternoon but I don't know how I'm going to get it put together in here. I'm going to have to clean up the floor. It is going to be a challenge but I need to do it anyway. It probably won't be perfect but I need to do something.

I got some food and some snacks when I went to the store. I still don't have much of an appetite but at least I have something to eat here. I had to get some pop but I got orange soda this time. I have been drinking too much mountain dew and it's disgusting. I can tell it is irritating my bladder. It's so hard to stop and I never thought I would have this problem. The orange soda isn't much better for me but it has 50mg less caffeine. I think it would be easier to stop if I slowly wean myself by having drinks that contain less caffeine. I am just frustrated because I get so grumpy without it. I love my sugary drinks. I hate coffee and I know that wouldn't be any better for my teeth. Flavored sparkling water is also gross. Everything I like is bad for me so I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I could just enjoy the things I consume without consequences. I used to be able to eat whatever I want.

When I was leaving the store, there was a lady asking for signatures on a petition to protect women's reproductive rights. I dropped my bags and signed it immediately. I told her that I think she is doing a good thing and that I appreciated her. It is not just about abortion, it is about saving women's lives. I would say that the majority of women don't want to ever have an abortion but there are times when it is necessary. It is a big deal to me because I am more likely to have a high-risk pregnancy. I haven't shared this with anyone before besides my ex, but I did have a miscarriage a few years ago. I have been scared to tell anyone about it. I think I was under too much stress and my body couldn't handle it. I am a lot more likely to have preeclampsia because my mom had it with me. My grandma and my aunt also had it. I also don't want to die due to the government interfering with my healthcare. It just makes me sick that I have to worry about that. If the laws change, I am going to have to move somewhere else if I want to have a baby and be safe. It's sad because I like living here and it's a good place to raise a family. Anyway, I'm really glad I signed that. I hope it will make a difference.

I was also up late last night because my grandma sent me a horrifying picture of my mom. Her face is pale and puffy. The skin around her eyes looks mottled. Her eyes were closed and it looks like she has 2 black eyes. I called my grandma and talked to her for a while. She said my mom got on a bus and made it to Fargo. My grandma said she reserved herself a spot at a shelter somewhere but it might be in another city. I'm not sure where she is going. It is supposed to cost her $50 a night so I don't know how she is going to afford that. Apparently she got her SSI so she has that at least. She would probably be able to find housing if she just stayed in one place but she is on a mission I guess.

I just checked my messages from my mom and she sent me a bunch of selfies and videos of herself last night. She does not look good. She looks a lot older than she is. Her face has changed so much. She is just muttering things to herself and making faces. I don't know where she is but she was sitting inside. It looked like she was in a waiting room or something. It doesn't seem like she knows what is going on at all. It is very disturbing to see her like that.

I am very overwhelmed. I feel like garbage and I just want to sleep. I can't sleep all day. I don't know much I will get done. I have so much I need to do. I really hope my day gets better.

I hope everyone else is having a good day so far. 💖💖💖

[iriemorning]

nicks and flicks

i've been called many names all throughout my life. the first of them was from my dad himself, the one who made my first name—irish, from the infamous soap irish spring, then they combined it to my birth month. though i mostly stuck to the former. it's only one word, simple and short. gender neutral too, since i had a boy classmate in kinder who also bore the same name.

it was also very befitting of the things i have grown to like with its connections to ireland and they're like, the green country. i never realized my silent fascination to this color brewing all over the years until the pandemic hit—when we all got stuck in the premise of our homes and that means practically saying bye to our yearly tradition of visiting the mountains. or seeing the nature in particular, except from the screens. that's when my love for green grew, in all its shades, forms and hues.

so, yes, being called irish is the pillar of my whole being. though it's also the most formal one. when i hear that, there's an invisible wall between you and me (dont take it to heart, sometimes a certain distance in between is good)

but when i get called by one of my nicks, it always tugs my heartstrings a certain way; gets me transported back to a particular point in my life in a split second...

ayit takes me back to my hometown, when i was my grandma and grandpa's first grandchild, and all my aunts and uncles were all doting on me. it felt really good, being treated as the only child and youngest in the hood. i was very small, and they all took care of sending me to kindergarten in the mornings, making me sleep in the afternoons even though i wanna watch cartoons, then my dad tying my hair to a ponytail at the evenings to meet my mom in the mall after she came home from work. the very small ayit was carried and passed on to several backs and shoulders until she could walk and climb the mountains on her own.

ayreng takes me back to my elementary and junior high school days; when my parents, siblings and i moved to another town where i met my childhood and lifelong friends. i played hard in the streets, ran fast with all my might and scratched my knees. to this day i still carry those scars with pride. it was also when i started to discover my hobbies and identity by getting into reading groups and writing scripts and news articles in the campus. she joined math and english quiz bees and journalism events and even made it to the student council miraculously. she's all over the place. (wish i have the same energy to do all that now) ayreng was also dubbed as 'miss author' by her batchmates, and after all this time i am still her biggest fan.

rish doesn't take me to a place, but it was something my closest circle have adopted to call me naturally. it sounds the most endearing of them all, and my most favorite. not only my best friends, but when some of my high school classmates approach me with this and they ask or request something of me, like inquiring about an assignment, i always soften up. how could i not melt with such a cute rishhhh in your message?

iris. oh dear. my online fangirl persona that was birthed in 2020. she's like a whole different person. so nice and cute, debuting with baby pink layouts and befriending the whole fandom. the attention was exhausting so it only took a few months before i deactivated the public account in the same year. but the closest friends i made along the way were still my mutuals in a more private account where i still fangirl accordingly, without worrying about likes and retweets and hostile reactions from the public. over the years, iris learned to be more comfortable and at peace in her digital footprint, while still having the freedom to support the idols that changed her life.

and now i'm here, with a new name that took years for me to create. it started all the way back to my ayreng days, when i was having all these ideas for different books. all famous authors have catchy names that also fit their style. so i made up potential usernames that perfectly encapsulate me not just as a writer, but as a whole being. so i went back home—to irish. it's like giving birth. from there, irie was born.

and upon further google inspection (circa September 2023):

Irie is a gender-neutral name of Jamaican origin. It derives from the Jamaican patois term meaning “cool, good, nice,” as in “Everything irie?” The word may also refer to a state of harmony and peace.

“Irie” is a Jamaican slang term that originated in the Rastafari movement. It's used to describe a feeling of peace, harmony, and positive vibes. When you're “irie,” you're feeling good, happy, and content with your life. It's a state of mind that's often associated with reggae music and Rastafarian culture.

and thats when im like, this is it. im sure of it. i finally found the name that will kickstart my writer persona. like a stage name of some sorts, but still undeniably screams like me.

good morning. irie morning.

from now on, i hope that whenever you see my name, it'll always remind you to have a good day.

[templebet]

this has no target audience i just need to put into words how much i love my aunt. we through her a graduation party and we all wrote her messages in a book and mine said how proud i was of her and how glad i was we got to go to school together and that she's truly the best of our family and i hope she knows how much i meant that. she is what i would've expected my grandparents to create. she's not like my grandma, but she has her spirit. in every situation I've seen she had been ready to extend grace, while knowing where to draw the line. she has been kind without fail every time im with her. i didnt know one could be so kind. my family is complicated, in some ways she knows and in some she doesn't. I've seen horror after horror at the hand of my family. everyone's words have eventually hurt me. except hers. she has been told things about me, and it always killed me to see my face tarnished in her eyes, but never once did i think she believe them. i trust her in a way i could trust no other. i wish we were closer. i wish she could know everything

[my-dsm5]

i wish i could understand the difference between romantic and platonic love. like i understand it in theory and as a concept, but i am still confused. like i used to have this expectation that romantic love was something that was like a spark and fulfilled me in a way. yet now, i don’t feel that way. i guess it feels like i dont need it? like the love i feel for those around me is enough to satisfy me in life.

i did not believe in unconditional love until fairly recently. i am used to being the better friend in every regard. me being the better friend was the condition set forth for me to receive love from my friends. recently, that hasn’t been the case. i feel that my current friends and i experience highs and lows. i feel that these highs and lows make it so no one is the “better friend”. it feels despite flaws, the love is still there.

i think i used to see romantic love as some proof of value. like “look here is someone who loves every aspect of me”. but like, love doesn’t need to be romantic to be that way. when people would say they don’t see me in a relationship, i would take offense. but know i somewhat agree. i do not see someone loving romantically (not in a bad way). i no longer fear dying without having had a romantic partner. i feel indifferent towards it.

my mom, aunt, and grandma have been more inquisitive about my dating life (or lack there of). they have it in their head that i am simply hiding my romantic relationships, but in actuality, they just don’t exist. my mom has her reasons to fear this, but she is ultimately responsible for that. she is entitled to feel how she does, but she is entitled to install that fear into me.

loving people was something that i was taught to do as if love was scarce. but that isn’t how i want to live my life.

[writingwithcolor]

Hi! My main character is a Korean girl who will be away from her family over Korean New Year. How would she celebrate this holiday when she's not able to be around family? Has anyone had any experience of this when you were away at school/college for the holiday? Or is it a holiday that absolutely necessitates going home and being around family? Thanks in advance :)

Celebrating Korean New Year with no family around

Oh, this is a great question. This isn’t an uncommon experience, and it’s only become more likely because of the pandemic.

National Holidays in general

Seol (Korean New Year) and Chuseok (Korean Harvest) are the National Holidays in Korea; they’re the only holidays where we are guaranteed at least three consecutive days off - the day itself, the day before, and the day after. If any of the days coincide with the weekend, then the government also compensates for it with the same number of additional days off. This is at least in part to make sure that people whose families live far apart get at least one day to travel to their families, a day to relax and enjoy, and a day to get back home. Because of this, most people do manage to see their family for Seol and Chuseok.

I’ve seen plenty of college students who just decide to study or do part-time work instead, and this goes the same for working adults. More women might choose to not go home, because Confusianist expectations mean women are far more likely to be put to work with cooking traditional dishes and whatnot, especially if they’re married.

Seol (Korean New Year)

Now, what do Koreans do on Seol? 

Four things come to mind immediately:

we eat tteokguk

have charye

give sebae 

play yut 

Between these, charye and sebae are impossible to do without your family, but I’ll mention them anyways.

1) Charye

I’ll keep charye brief because this is also done on Chuseok, so this doesn’t quite define Seol the way Sebae does. Charye is the most commonly performed memorial ceremony for our deceased ancestors, up to and including your own parents and your spouse if they’ve died. The actual ceremony varies by region and family, but most usually include setting up a ceremonial table with a selection of food according to both tradition and the deceased’s personal preferences, lighting up incense, and pouring spirits. Once the ceremony is done, the prepared food is eaten by the participants, and many families often tell stories of what the deceased were like in life.

Because charye has its roots in both Confucianism and ancestor worship, both of which are losing influence in the modern day, there is a growing number of families who choose to skip or simplify the ceremony, and the food is more often bought or replaced with mockups. A lot of Christian families also don’t perform charye as they feel it’s too close to idolatry.

2) Sebae

Sebae is when people give deep, formal bows to the elders in their family, and by bow, I mean something like the picture below. The hanbok (traditional Korean clothes) isn’t necessary, and most teens and above skip wearing it, but parents love to dress up younger children if they can afford it.

Image of two people bowing, wearing traditional Korean clothing

When you bow, you usually say “Saehae bok mani baduseyo (새해 복 많이 받으세요)” which means “Have lots of luck/good fortune in this new year!” In response, the one who receives the sebae gives deokdam (words of blessing), and in case of minors, some pocket money as well. This is called sebae money and is usually given via a white envelope (it can be other colors too, but red is characteristic of China, not Korea). As sebae is given to all the elder generation of the family (grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, etc.) children can usually receive quite the tidy sum in return, which is why it’s the favorite holiday of many children. But even if you aren’t a minor, you still give sebae to the older generation and receive deokdam.

While your Korean character might not be able to do sebae in person, it’s highly likely she will at least call or maybe video call her parents to do a sebae, or at least say the traditional greeting and receive deokdam. 

3) Tteokguk

Now, if there is one tradition your Korean girl is likely to keep, it’s preparing and eating tteokguk. Tteokguk, also known as rice cake soup, is easy enough to make and eat by yourself. While there’s a great variation of recipes, the basics is adding slices of rice cake into meat broth, then add what you like and looks good. There’s an old saying in Korea that you don’t grow another year older until you’ve had a bowl of tteokguk. This usually leads to children eating more than one bowl while those in their late twenties to early thirties tend to joke about not eating it to stay young.

4) Playing yut

Playing yut might be something your character may or may not do, depending on whether she has the yuts lying around. A game of yut is played with a board and four yuts, which are uneven sticks that serve the roll of dice, depending on how many of them fall face upwards. It’s a traditional Korean game that has been around since before the 10th century at least and probably well before that. It’s almost always played around Seol because it has its roots in wishing that the new year will bring with it a bountiful harvest. Your character may not know that last bit, though, just that it’s usually played around Seol. Your character could convince some of her friends to play yut with her, as the rules are easy and the game is near addictive if I say so myself.

I hope this gives you some ideas for what your Korean character might do!

- Mod Rune

WWC Follower Additions

@phen0l said:Speaking specifically to celebrating New Year away from home (e.g. at college): in my experience, people who can’t go home to their families will get together with their friends and do it instead. I’m Chinese and my best friend is Korean - in our school years we’d celebrate Lunar New Year together and combine respective practices. When we were very young, she’d come over to mine and my parents would even give her New Year money. 

So maybe anon can consider whether their character has any friends that would be down for celebrating with them!

@sylvrn said:My family doesn’t really celebrate holidays as intensely, but we still eat 떡국 because it’s food and it’s chill. We did do everything else at a relative’s house in a big family gathering when we lived in Korea but in Canada we don’t do much except for a happy new years phone call to our grandma and sometimes our uncle :)

[timeoverload]

I feel a million times better than I did yesterday. I'm feeling confident now that I will be able to get through the rest of the week without any issues.

I took a probiotic before I went to bed last night and it helped a lot. I just need to be better about taking them every day because I forget sometimes. I guess I didn't realize what a difference they make. I was also happy because I wasn't in pain the entire day. My back didn't bother me at all and I got to do the things that are normally a challenge for me. I'm surprised that I'm not sore at all now that I'm home because that's unusual for me. It would be awesome if I felt this good all the time.

I had so much energy earlier and I think I'm manic right now. I literally could not shut up the entire afternoon and was laughing about everything. I feel like I'm really annoying when I get like that but maybe I'm just too hard on myself. I guess I would much rather be manic than depressed.

I think it helped that it was another slow day for eye cases. I was done by 2:30 so I helped dispatch and load the autoclaves. I wasn't thrilled about having to put sets together and wrap total pans but at least I got a break from running around.

It was really nice to see my grandma today. She seemed to be doing better than the last time I saw her. I miss getting to sit and chat with her so I'm glad I got to do that. I wish she wouldn't have decided to move a few years ago because I used to be able to walk to her place. I just feel bad because she is lonely and doesn't have anyone to talk to. I also worry because she was telling me about how she has problems with her blood pressure and she has been passing out a lot. I guess it has happened to her several times when she was alone and didn't have anyone to help her so she laid on the ground for hours. She deserves to have someone around that can help her more. I think that I probably should be that person but I don't feel comfortable driving my car that far. I need to figure something out because I want her to be safe and happy because she deserves it. She has given so much to others and hasn't gotten much back in return.

I also got to see my aunt for like 5 minutes and give her a hug. I hadn't seen or talked to her in 2 years but it didn't seem like she was in the mood to talk to me. I'm not close with any of my extended family anymore unfortunately. A lot of them live too far away and everyone is so busy. I try not to let it bother me too much or get sad about it though.

It would be great if I could continue to be in a good mood. I hate being grumpy and depressed all the time. I'm doing my best to stay positive.

I need to stop staying up past 11 because I get mad at myself about it every morning. I'm going to try not to do that tonight. Tomorrow will be a busier day so I don't want to be super tired. I don't have much else to say right now and I still have things that I need to do tonight so I should do that soon. Hopefully I can get stuff done quickly so I have time to relax before I go to bed.

I hope everyone has a lovely evening and a good day tomorrow!! 💖💖💖