my-dsm5

[my-dsm5]

i use to think unconditional love didn’t exist, but like it does. the catch is tho, it is always going to be one sided.

[my-dsm5]

my mother is a perfectionist.

recently she bought an online cookie decorating class.

even tho this was our first time making something of this nature, she was getting frustrated that our cookies were not coming out as good as the teachers.

i feel an bit of this frustration manifested as snippiness towards me.

i was happy to just to be able to hang out and do a new activity, to me things were perfect.

i feel there is a message here, but i feel i feel i lack the ability to truly articulate it.

[my-dsm5]

i have been unemployed since march and it makes me so anxious. i feel like i shouldnt eat, sleep, feel anything until i get a new job.

i feel my emotions feel so bad and taboo right now. i feel i have to take so much from my family because i am not working.

the stress of not having a job has made my sleep schedule the worst it has been in years. i have been waking up at 2-4am everynight.

i feel that i can't clean my room/unpack until i get a job. my room in this state has made my depression so much worse. but i feel that if i clean my room without having a job i would just kill myself to be completely honest. i dont want to die now, because i dont want people to see my room in this state/have to clean it out in this state.

a job will give me a sense of schedule/normality. i feel like i am taking up so much space and i should just disappear. having a job would help to ease some of those feelings.

[my-dsm5]

i try so hard to have people understand me and what i am saying and no one does. i try so hard. i want it so bad, but it feels so out of my grip. i feel i am able to put myself in someone else's shoes, but i feel like i never see people put themselves in my shoes.

even around people i feel so isolated. i want to fit organically, but i dont think that will ever happen.

it feels like i always have a mask on. at this point, i am not sure who i am underneath it.

[my-dsm5]

one of my biggest pet peeves is people trying to tell me something about my self and it not being true.

"you are so reserved, you dont tell me anything about yourself" i talk so much. i always have something to say. when people say this it feels like a jab. it feels like they arent listening. and often times they are not. when i feel the conversation changes topic or you avoid what i say, i am not going to bring it up again. why should i, you obviously dont care. when presented with multiple things to discuss, you never choose the one that is directly about myself. the "you are so reserved, you dont tell me anything about yourself" is pointed in such a way as a fault on my end, but i havent done anything wrong.

"you dont allow yourself to feel your emotions" i feel them, i am always feeling them. the consume me as a person. i dont have to display my feelings to experience them. me trying to analyze the emotion doesnt stop me from feeling the emotion. if i were to just feel what i felt without any logic my emotions would get in the way. (thus making me feel worse and spiral).

i know me. i know myself. i dont need you to tell me.

[my-dsm5]

i was almost positive i was getting better. i thought i was being better, preforming better, doing better. i have been the same, which means i have been getting worse. this behavior and mentality i have was tolerable, even understandable years ago. but now? its sad. its frustrating. it s pathetic.

one possibility is i have myself to blame. i need to have more self discipline. i need to reteach myself. but i would have to take full blame for who i am.

the other possibility is something is wrong. i am mentally ill. but this possibility both comforts me and scares me. while i may not be to blame, it means that this will never go away. how i feel and how i think can be treated, but it will never go away. it is something that i will always have to work to suppress.

[my-dsm5]

i want to be comforted so desperately, but i am not sure if that’s likely or possible

[my-dsm5]

it’s in my head. i can stop the behavior. i can do better. i know i can.

but i am so tired, and i feel so drained.

getting “help” can make things so much worse and more complicated. i am scared it won’t be worth it. i’ve been doing alright so far.

you can’t grow in the same environment that made you sick. maybe if my environment changes, how i feel will go away?

[my-dsm5]

i won’t be able to be truly happy without disappointing my parents. some things i will never be able to do because it would guarantee my parents cut me off.

i feel that even with friends i am preforming. it feels like i am constantly preforming.

but i like preforming, it makes me feel as if i fit in.

[my-dsm5]

i wish to be easy to love and care for. loving me takes more effort than it’s worth

[my-dsm5]

i want to stop feeling! i want to stop thinking! i am not having a very good time! everything hurts and i want it to end

[my-dsm5]

i wish i could understand the difference between romantic and platonic love. like i understand it in theory and as a concept, but i am still confused. like i used to have this expectation that romantic love was something that was like a spark and fulfilled me in a way. yet now, i don’t feel that way. i guess it feels like i dont need it? like the love i feel for those around me is enough to satisfy me in life.

i did not believe in unconditional love until fairly recently. i am used to being the better friend in every regard. me being the better friend was the condition set forth for me to receive love from my friends. recently, that hasn’t been the case. i feel that my current friends and i experience highs and lows. i feel that these highs and lows make it so no one is the “better friend”. it feels despite flaws, the love is still there.

i think i used to see romantic love as some proof of value. like “look here is someone who loves every aspect of me”. but like, love doesn’t need to be romantic to be that way. when people would say they don’t see me in a relationship, i would take offense. but know i somewhat agree. i do not see someone loving romantically (not in a bad way). i no longer fear dying without having had a romantic partner. i feel indifferent towards it.

my mom, aunt, and grandma have been more inquisitive about my dating life (or lack there of). they have it in their head that i am simply hiding my romantic relationships, but in actuality, they just don’t exist. my mom has her reasons to fear this, but she is ultimately responsible for that. she is entitled to feel how she does, but she is entitled to install that fear into me.

loving people was something that i was taught to do as if love was scarce. but that isn’t how i want to live my life.

[my-dsm5]

i feel stunted. emotionally, socially, developmentally. im just stunted. like i feel a lot of things that i should have done and processed earlier, i haven’t.

it feels like no one is at the page that i am, so talking about things just makes me feel bad.

[my-dsm5]

i don’t want to say i have mommy issues. but i feel like my mother’s issues with me have destroyed me beyond repair.

my mom has instilled in to my sister and i the importance of confidence. she emphasized we should be confident, we’re pretty, smart, leaders, etc. yet it feels like these traits she only valued when presented in the way that she deemed appropriate. it feels like she wants us to be confident regardless of what she what us to do, but it is obvious she wants us to do it in specific way. i love my natural eyebrows. yet, my mom always remarks about how i should get something done to them. little things like that over 22 years changes how you treat your own self confidence. she wants me to be a leader, but dislikes most of the decisions i make for myself. 

it feels like i won’t ever meet the expectations of who she wants me to be. my sister once said to me “yeah, i’m not saying mom wants to be me, but she really doesn’t want to be you.” i feel my sister and i fill very different roles in my mother’s brain and the way she lives through us is thus very different. i feel my my mother strongly views me as an extension of her. she sees me as what someone who she could be. while she still sees my sister as an extension of herself, she still recognizes my sister as her own person.

i wanted to go to the store, i wanted to get into fashion, i liked leaving the house. but we always fought at the store, my fashion interests were never considered, i was difficult. so i started avoiding the store.  “you’re so lazy”, “you never leave the house”. i just felt that this wasn’t a thing me and my mother could bond on. this was my sister’s and mom’s thing, and when i was involved, i ruined it.

my mother never seemed to understand why i never went, but to me it felt obvious. i don’t like to cry in the dressing room. i don’t like having to dress business casual in fucking middle school. i don’t like the clothes that i feel comfortable in to be constantly criticized. now i go to the store more frequently, and my mom sees it as me “growing out of my shopping aversion”.

i use to try so hard to be who my mother wanted. i would cry at night wondering why i was the way i was. i  desperately wanted to “stop being difficult”. i wanted the closeness her and my sister had. but after a while, i got tired. i stopped trying. it feels this has made things worse.

i realized that i can not have both my happiness and my mother’s in regards to my life decisions. a year or two ago the conversation of kids came up, and i expressed i didn’t want any. my mother burst into tears, “i just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want the relationship that we have”. she believes that my queerness is a result of the people i am around. she believes that how i act isn’t me, but a facade. “what happened to my sweet girl”. the sweet girl in question was 5 and quite frankly, i do not want her to exists inside of me no longer.

i was not planned. my parents make that very clear. my dad would have finished college. my mom wouldn’t have had her body messed up. my mom would have been better off financially. i honestly believe if my parents did not have me, they wouldn’t have gotten married, and would have been much happier. my mom mentioned how we were super poor in the past. “i would have to eat of the scraps of food you didn’t finish”. it feels like i am trying to pay off the burden for a mistake i did not make. and i feel like the burden and strain i paced on my mother justifies the distain she shows me at times. 

i love my mother though. when i need her, i can depend on her. and that makes me even more distraught. i lover her so and i do not want to think of her negatively. i want to be able to just forget the hurt and move on, but i can’t. i so desperately want to be a good daughter, but i am doing such a bad job at it. my mother is sick, and i am trying to be there for her. it feels now every bad thing doesn’t matter. i just feel confused. 

i try not to edit these posts too much. so i am going to stop here. everything in my brain feels cloudy and i feel so confused. i feel that the cloudiness i am feeling is showing up in the writing as i type this.  i may revisit this and reflect in more detail when i calm down or am in a different head space

[my-dsm5]

i have unrealistic expectations and i am scared you’re going to let me down. part of me wants to believe you won’t, but i feel doubtful.

i am scared you are going to abandon me. i am a lot of work, and i know you get tired because of me. im scared one day you will have enough and cut ties. it always happens and i do not blame anyone but myself. i try to manage myself, but it feels like everything always floods to the surface.

i am scared i am just a minor sentence in your story, not even influential enough to be a page. i know you care for me, but i feel that in short time you will heal from the temporary pain of my absence and pay me no mind.

i am scared i am going to mess up the only good thing i have going for me right now. having two people care so genuinely about me scares me. i want to continue to have this bond, but i am so scared i will mess something up.

[my-dsm5]

i feel there are two nonphysical things that i am insecure about. my social level and my ability to be loved.

i feel that due to how i was raised, my social level is that far behind my peers. i feel that me having untreated and undiagnosed autism has a huge role to play in that. i feel my mother recognized the autistic traits i possessed and treated them in a way that aided in masking, but harmed me in other ways. i have bitterness in my heart about this, but i feel not all of the reasons she had for handling it the way she did her malicious/bad.

however, what she did has damaged my ability to engage with people. i feel that i am constantly preforming to satisfy how my mother wants me to be perceived and what would be a good way to be perceived by who i am engaging with.

i frequently doubt my ability to be loved. this goes friends as well as potential romantic partners. i feel whenever my “true self” is present, people do not respond well to it. 

i feel i have masked very well in my life. however, it feels recently i haven’t masked as much and in some cases it feels hard to do so. i think this is because i am around people i feel more comfortable with. and while that is a good thing, it makes me feel so anxious.

i feel as if i am missing out on something or like an imposter. like surely if these people got close enough to me they wouldn’t think of me deserving to have their praise. i have had people be nice to me and it be a facade, i have often been the punchline to a joke i didn’t even know was being told. but i am 100% certain the people around me aren’t like that. but i can’t help but feel like i am missing something. i grew up in a “people will always wrong you, you only have your family. fuck everyone else” household. 

the people in my life now are genuine and kind, this unfortunately doesn’t soothe my worries. in some cases it makes them feel worse. people who are kind show kindness to a vast amount of people. so it doesn’t make me feel as if their kindness is directed towards me.

do i think my friend love and genuinely care for me? yes. but that doesn’t mean i feel deserving of it. i don’t understand why my friends treat me kindly, and the guilt i feel from it eats me up.

[my-dsm5]

i don’t like how everything hurts my feelings. i know its normal, but it is a trait i do not want to have. it’s a trait that inconvenience others and makes people feel negatively about me. i do not want that.