my-dsm5

[my-dsm5]

existing as someone who society despises in every way shape and form chips at your soul constantly.

being black, being queer, being fat, being a woman, and being mentally ill

being black and constantly needing to know how tolerant the area you are in towards black people. knowing that black women have been shown to be the least desirable in terms of partners. black women being seen as stepping stones, as mere place holders until someone "better" comes along, so much so that this trope is in media constantly.

being queer and constantly being scared. knowing that there is a large majority of people trying to dismantle the little inequalities we have. having to constantly explain how you love and gender expression, but people aren't genuinely curious. they are looking for a fight, or to discredit who you are. explaining to both cishet and lgbt+ people that you can still be gender queer and still identify as a black woman.

being fat and never truly feeling good in your body. when you have confidence, there will always be someone who is "glad" but they still are hoping you lose weight. people happy you are doing healthier things, but the happiness comes from the possibility of weight loss. having a restrictive eating disorder and being fat? people will assume you are lying and invalidate you.

being mentally ill and knowing it makes you harder to interact with. knowing that while i can experience mentally ill symptoms, no one has to put up with it. wanting to be better, be more tolerable, yet just not being able to mask all the time.

im tired of being

[my-dsm5]

i always feel so guilty wanting more from my friends. it makes me feel gluttonous and greedy. I know my friends are beyond depressed, their finances are tight, and they struggle to even live day by day... yet i want more. they do a lot for me, in some cases more than i am even used to. i know what they do for me takes a lot of effort for them, and i appreciate it. having mentally ill friends means coming to terms that their 100% will be very different than the average person.

but that does not stop the pain and yearning.

[my-dsm5]

i think the saddest aspect to come to terms with as you grow older is no one is going to come and save you

[my-dsm5]

i do not believe i deserve to be comforted. i do not possess the ability to comfort other people, so i feel it is one of things i can not feel entitled to.

i have often had people snap at me when i have tried to comfort them, so now i often freeze when someone needs comfort. even just being in the vincinity while someone is upset makes me freeze, because i am used to someone snapping at me for just being in the area. i feel best if i just try and be undetectable as possible, but near if truly needed for assistance.

i feel genuine fear when someone needs comfort and i do not know why. i feel there has been something more severe that has to have happened to make me the way i am, but what i can recall is a few bad instances of attempting to comfort someone.

i feel that others inability to aide me emotionally is punishment for my inability to aide others emotionally

i want to be comforted so desperately, but i am not sure if that’s likely or possible

[my-dsm5]

i use to think unconditional love didn’t exist, but like it does. the catch is tho, it is always going to be one sided.

[my-dsm5]

my mother is a perfectionist.

recently she bought an online cookie decorating class.

even tho this was our first time making something of this nature, she was getting frustrated that our cookies were not coming out as good as the teachers.

i feel an bit of this frustration manifested as snippiness towards me.

i was happy to just to be able to hang out and do a new activity, to me things were perfect.

i feel there is a message here, but i feel i feel i lack the ability to truly articulate it.

[my-dsm5]

i have been unemployed since march and it makes me so anxious. i feel like i shouldnt eat, sleep, feel anything until i get a new job.

i feel my emotions feel so bad and taboo right now. i feel i have to take so much from my family because i am not working.

the stress of not having a job has made my sleep schedule the worst it has been in years. i have been waking up at 2-4am everynight.

i feel that i can't clean my room/unpack until i get a job. my room in this state has made my depression so much worse. but i feel that if i clean my room without having a job i would just kill myself to be completely honest. i dont want to die now, because i dont want people to see my room in this state/have to clean it out in this state.

a job will give me a sense of schedule/normality. i feel like i am taking up so much space and i should just disappear. having a job would help to ease some of those feelings.

[my-dsm5]

i try so hard to have people understand me and what i am saying and no one does. i try so hard. i want it so bad, but it feels so out of my grip. i feel i am able to put myself in someone else's shoes, but i feel like i never see people put themselves in my shoes.

even around people i feel so isolated. i want to fit organically, but i dont think that will ever happen.

it feels like i always have a mask on. at this point, i am not sure who i am underneath it.

[my-dsm5]

one of my biggest pet peeves is people trying to tell me something about my self and it not being true.

"you are so reserved, you dont tell me anything about yourself" i talk so much. i always have something to say. when people say this it feels like a jab. it feels like they arent listening. and often times they are not. when i feel the conversation changes topic or you avoid what i say, i am not going to bring it up again. why should i, you obviously dont care. when presented with multiple things to discuss, you never choose the one that is directly about myself. the "you are so reserved, you dont tell me anything about yourself" is pointed in such a way as a fault on my end, but i havent done anything wrong.

"you dont allow yourself to feel your emotions" i feel them, i am always feeling them. the consume me as a person. i dont have to display my feelings to experience them. me trying to analyze the emotion doesnt stop me from feeling the emotion. if i were to just feel what i felt without any logic my emotions would get in the way. (thus making me feel worse and spiral).

i know me. i know myself. i dont need you to tell me.

[my-dsm5]

i was almost positive i was getting better. i thought i was being better, preforming better, doing better. i have been the same, which means i have been getting worse. this behavior and mentality i have was tolerable, even understandable years ago. but now? its sad. its frustrating. it s pathetic.

one possibility is i have myself to blame. i need to have more self discipline. i need to reteach myself. but i would have to take full blame for who i am.

the other possibility is something is wrong. i am mentally ill. but this possibility both comforts me and scares me. while i may not be to blame, it means that this will never go away. how i feel and how i think can be treated, but it will never go away. it is something that i will always have to work to suppress.

[my-dsm5]

i want to be comforted so desperately, but i am not sure if that’s likely or possible

[my-dsm5]

it’s in my head. i can stop the behavior. i can do better. i know i can.

but i am so tired, and i feel so drained.

getting “help” can make things so much worse and more complicated. i am scared it won’t be worth it. i’ve been doing alright so far.

you can’t grow in the same environment that made you sick. maybe if my environment changes, how i feel will go away?

[my-dsm5]

i won’t be able to be truly happy without disappointing my parents. some things i will never be able to do because it would guarantee my parents cut me off.

i feel that even with friends i am preforming. it feels like i am constantly preforming.

but i like preforming, it makes me feel as if i fit in.

[my-dsm5]

i wish to be easy to love and care for. loving me takes more effort than it’s worth

[my-dsm5]

i want to stop feeling! i want to stop thinking! i am not having a very good time! everything hurts and i want it to end

[my-dsm5]

i wish i could understand the difference between romantic and platonic love. like i understand it in theory and as a concept, but i am still confused. like i used to have this expectation that romantic love was something that was like a spark and fulfilled me in a way. yet now, i don’t feel that way. i guess it feels like i dont need it? like the love i feel for those around me is enough to satisfy me in life.

i did not believe in unconditional love until fairly recently. i am used to being the better friend in every regard. me being the better friend was the condition set forth for me to receive love from my friends. recently, that hasn’t been the case. i feel that my current friends and i experience highs and lows. i feel that these highs and lows make it so no one is the “better friend”. it feels despite flaws, the love is still there.

i think i used to see romantic love as some proof of value. like “look here is someone who loves every aspect of me”. but like, love doesn’t need to be romantic to be that way. when people would say they don’t see me in a relationship, i would take offense. but know i somewhat agree. i do not see someone loving romantically (not in a bad way). i no longer fear dying without having had a romantic partner. i feel indifferent towards it.

my mom, aunt, and grandma have been more inquisitive about my dating life (or lack there of). they have it in their head that i am simply hiding my romantic relationships, but in actuality, they just don’t exist. my mom has her reasons to fear this, but she is ultimately responsible for that. she is entitled to feel how she does, but she is entitled to install that fear into me.

loving people was something that i was taught to do as if love was scarce. but that isn’t how i want to live my life.

[my-dsm5]

i feel stunted. emotionally, socially, developmentally. im just stunted. like i feel a lot of things that i should have done and processed earlier, i haven’t.

it feels like no one is at the page that i am, so talking about things just makes me feel bad.